#because were not making concious choices about our understanding the same way hes making choices about character and story

[chaos-lioness]

Senokir not being evil and Fusaka being just spice have the same energy, and the energy is Matt Mercer’s confidence in his own story choices

[dadoroki]

Reminder [3]

Dabi x F!Reader x Hawks

Description: the final chapter to the story ends here. You’re given an ultimatum, having to choose between your painful past and your current present.

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]

A/N: I can’t believe it’s been about 7-8 months since I wrote part 1. Whoops!

“Not so hard, Keigo.”

You hissed in pain as the man dabbed the cold cloth on your facial injuries. “Not my fault you wanted to play hero and fight all those Nomus yourself.”

If it wasn’t for him, you wouldn’t have been alive. Iv tubes were hooked onto you and the beeping sound of the monitor aggravated you more than the nagging winged-man himself.

“Yeah well someone had to do it.” The sunset highlighted your face and Keigo couldn’t help but fall distracted. The moment was cut short the minute he heard a loud screech coming out of you. While being distracted, Keigo had accidentally pressed deeply into your wound and in return, you punched his arm. “Ow, sorry sorry.”

“Whatever.” You groaned as you laid back down, facing your back towards him. He was about to question your sudden change in attitude but sensed a weird aura around. Getting up from his seat, he headed towards the door in a hurry. “I’ll come by tomorrow alright? There’s something I gotta deal with.” Without looking back at him, you gave a weak wave.

He quietly shut the door to your room but before he could turn the corner, a voice caught him off guard. “So you and Y/N, huh? Never thought she’d go for someone so low.” How did he know your real name? A low chuckle left Hawks’s lips. He turned around and sent a fake smile followed by a wave. “Oh, I’m sorry. Have we met before? Oh right! I sent dozens of my feathers at you. Hope it didn’t kill ya too much!”

Dabi clenched his teeth, roughly pushing himself off the wall. “I’m gonna burn you to pieces you little chicken shit. You hear me?” Hawks playfully held his hands up. “Woah, calm down buddy! But if you’re serious, why don’t we take it somewhere else?”

~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

And that’s exactly what happened. The two men faced eachother with two different expressions. One held eyes full of rage and anger while the other was smug and laid-back.

“What’s with the face? Makes you look even more uglier than you already are.”

“Shut the hell up.”

Hawks rubbed his chin, observing the man infront of him while thinking deeply. “I still don’t get it. Why do you hate me so much?”

Dabi only scoffed in response. “Enough talking. When I’m done with you, I’ll be sure to give Y/N your burnt chicken wings as a present.”

Hawks didn’t have time to think as blue flames ignited his way. He flew around the abandoned area, the flames following close and burning everything behind him. Now it was his turn to strike. He flew towards Dabi, a long red feather making it’s way into his hand and he striked. Dabi managed to dodge all his attacks with ease, causing the winged hero to flinch. “Huh, you’re so weak. I don’t understand Y/N.”

Hawks ignored his instigation, attempting to hit him at least once but continuously missing all his shots again. “Look at you, you can’t even hit me. Why would she pick a weak man like you? You couldn’t even protect her.”

Emotions ran deep inside Hawks. More specifically guilt? Insecurity? Deep down, he knew everything Dabi said was nothing but the truth. He couldn’t protect you and for that, his worth for you was a newly engraved insecurity. That sadness turned into matched anger, causing him to hold a tighter grip on his feather and putting all force into the swing.

Dabi let out a maniacal laugh, gripping onto the man’s wrist and throwing him onto the ground. He watched unapologetic as Hawks squirmed beneath him in pain. He reached down to his jacket pocket and took out a shiny object, twisting it between his fingers above the injured hero in a taunting manner. “Keigo Takami.”

Once the name reached his ears, he froze in sheer horror. First your name and now his? He slowly realized the shiny object was the promise ring he gave you. “You.” The unstable man continued with poisonous venom leaking from the single word. “It’s all because of you. Y/N no longer cares about me and that’s all because of you! I’ve always despised you Keigo. Even when we were kids.”

Hawks was at a loss for words. He was in disbelief, unable to comprehend the situation. “I’ve always despised you since the day we met. The day I realized my feelings for Y/N. But of course, you just had to be in my way. You were always in my way.” Dabi psychotically laughed, recalling the memories like it was yesterday. “You know, I used to blame Y/N for not knowing how I felt. But I loved her so much and felt stupid for even thinking about blaming her.”

Dabi laid his hand flat on Hawks’s face, watching the man hiss in pain as the light heat made contact to his skin. “And then I started to blame myself. I was the reason why she didn’t love me back. I wasn’t good enough for her.” The heat began to increase, making the hero groan in pain. If the first one didn’t leave a burn mark, this one definitely did. “But then I realized it wasn’t my fault nor was it her’s. It was yours, Keigo. Did you know I was planning on killing you back then? To pretend it was a double accident? I was gonna kill you but then I thought about Y/N. She’d be alone and depressed out of her mind and so I chose to spare your life. Man, was I stupid for that.”

With that, he removed his hand to reveal a complete burn mark along the hero’s left side. He stood up and dusted himself off, facing his hand towards the half concious man lying helplessly on the ground. “You ruined my life Keigo Takami and now, I’m about to end your’s.”

Before Dabi could finish him off once and for all, a pleading voice called out for him in a distance. “Touya, please! Stop it!” The voice was so pure and angelic that Dabi couldn’t help but retrace back to the old days. Back when he was Touya. He slowly let his hand fall, backing away from Hawks.

Dabi was undoubtedly a powerful man. However, no matter how powerful or strong you are, everyone has their own weakness. And for him, it was you.

You limped over as fast as you could, the pain from days prior still taking in effect. “You need to let this go. This was all in the past.”

“The past can come back to haunt you.”

“The Touya I know wouldn’t do that.”

“I’m not Touya.”

“You are to me. You’ll always be Touya.”

That’s all it took for Dabi to be wrapped around your fingers. Those eyes once filled with hatred and rage were replaced with sadness and despair. In that moment, he fell completely vulnerable to you. “Just choose me damnit, Y/N.”

You rose a brow, confused at his words. “I know we have our differences but my feelings for you never changed. You promised me you’d always choose me so why can’t you just do that goddamnit?”

You realized at that point, you were given two critical choices. These two choices would lead to two very different outcomes.

Firstly, there was Touya. He wasn’t the same person he was back then but nonetheless, you still made a promise to him. Plus, it was hard to see him as Dabi when all you saw was Touya. Deep down, you were aware that some feelings were still there for him though you definitely wouldn’t admit it.

Secondly, there was Keigo. You always saw him as a friend but as time went on, it was like the friendship turned out to be a stepping stone for something new. Honestly speaking, you already imagined what it would be like to have a future with him.

The time to choose was now. You deeply sighed, getting ready to reveal your answer.

~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

You stood infront of the mirror, taking a full look at yourself. Who would’ve thought the day would come for you to finally get married. A long white dress that made you look like a princess, your hair pinned up, and a sparkling veil travelling from the top of your head all the way down to your dress. The final piece was a necklace which you were having trouble putting on.

“You need help?”

Glancing back, you saw that beautiful faint smile to which you returned. The man made his way behind you and took the necklace from your hands. You watched as he clipped the chains together and smiled, matching his gaze through the mirror. “Thank you, Touya.”

“Anything for you.” He admired you from your reflection, eyes travelling all around to every single detail. He never thought he’d see the day where you were like this. All dressed up for the wedding. An uncomfortable silence filled the room and you couldn’t help but clear your throat. “You should get going soon. You shouldn’t even be here and your family came by the way.”

Touya hummed in response and nodded. He made his way towards the door but stopped and faced you. “It’s not too late, Y/N. Just come with me an-”

“No, Touya.” You said abruptly. “I’m not changing my mind. You know I can’t. It’s the right thing to do anyways.” The right thing to do. He sighed in defeat and quietly left your room. The moment you heard the door shut, you deeply exhaled and rubbed the sides of your forehead in stress. You stared at the promise ring Hawks had given you years ago. Today was the day where he would replace that promise ring with a wedding ring, just like he promised.

“Keigo. I choose Keigo.”

That was a sharp pain in Dabi’s chest like he’d been stabbed right there and then. He was expecting some kind of hope, at least just a little bit, to have you say his name. But you didn’t. There wasn’t even any hesitation when you spoke.

“Why? Why him? Am I not good enough for you?!”

You stared at the ground, unable to look the broken man in the eyes. “It’s just how it is, Touya. I don’t make the rules and I can’t choose any differently. I’m sorry.”

Huh, what a joke he thought. When you’re chained to the institution, you have no choice but to submit yourself. That’s exactly what happened to you and because of that, you were now their little puppet to control. Had that not happen, would you have chosen differently? Would you choose to live your life with him and keep that promise?

Hands deeply shoved in his pockets, Dabi walked away from the building and never turned back.

Tags for my peeps that had to wait😂: @trenchcoatdevilsworld @bmthevick @thepplaskingmonthsago

[nanonkorapat]

eyes and wyel

I said "please don't make me do this" and then y'all had the audacity to make me do it, so here we all are.

So in this in depth rant analysis I'll discuss the way the concept of eyes/staring/looking is handled in where your eyes linger (you can find all episodes here, in case you missed it). You see I'm not really good at this and I've never written a post like that before, but I just can't stop thinking about it.

Anyway, let's start with a quick mention to the title of the series. As we all know the eyes are the window to the soul/a mirror of our heart (if you don't actually believe this, then this post will have no meaning to you). You see, I always found the fact that you can understand so many things about someone just by looking at their eyes very fascinating. But what does it mean when your eyes linger at something or someone? I feel like the most obvious answer to that question is that it shows desire or even love. That's it, you just can't tear your eyes away from that someone. You don't want to lost sight of them, not even for one second. But I think it can also mean something else. Have you ever really stared at someone because you were just trying to understand them? As if, if you stared long enough they would give you the answers you want, as if everything would be magically revealed.

I think in wyel, it might also be that case, alongside with the feeling of desire. I'm not saying Tae Joo and Kang Gook don't really know or understand each other. But I feel like they have both created in their minds an image of the other that might not be entirely accurate. Tae Joo will flirt with Kang Gook and Kang Gook will stare at him and think "Why? Why is he doing this? What does this little brat want now? Can't he see that it is killing me?" and Kang Gook will ask Tae Joo a favor, to not try and seduce him, and Tae Joo will stare at Kang Gook and think "Why? I don't understand. Why is he reacting like that? Why does it always feel that too many things are left unsaid? Why do I feel this anger and jealousy inside my heart? Does he feel the same way? Talk to me Kang Gook, talk to me, talk to me". What I'm trying to say is that some things are very hard to say out loud. Maybe sometimes they are trying to find the truth, to communicate, to understand each other by looks and touches.

And let's not forget what Kang Gook said in this scene.

Aside from everything else, this is still Kang Gook's job. It is a master/servant relationship and Tae Joo is the only one who can't or doesn't want to see it. Kang Gook doesn't even have the freedom to look away, even if he wanted to. Even if what he is seeing is causing him so much pain, he can't look away. Of course, he might be using his job as an excuse to keep looking at Tae Joo. But in that scene we can also see how much he dislikes this situation. As I said on another post, he doesn't feel free. He isn't even allowed to make simple choices about his life. And as we now know they have been together for 15 years. He has been basically living as a shadow his whole life. But he can't look away now. He can't free himself and he is probably drowning in a pit of self loathing for that.

This is already getting too long and we haven't even talked about any of the actual episodes yet. I apologise to the 10 of you who will actually read this, but that's me! I ramble a lot.

Okay so when I started writing this I was planning to comment on some scenes from each episode, but as I was watching it again and taking screenshots, I noticed something interesting. These boys look at each other so much. Like a lot. Of course it’s normal to look at the person you are talking to, but they look at each other so much, even when they aren’t talking. If they are in the same room, they will look at each other. I can’t really explain it, you should see it yourself. It’s easy to see the difference when Kang Gook is on a date with Hyemi. They don’t look at each other as much as Kang Gook and Tae Joo look at each other. And I don’t mean only when Tae Joo comes and Kang Gook keeps stealing glances at him. Even when they talk or eat, they just don’t spend the same amount of time staring at each other. One might say it is because they just met. Well yeah, but also, just go and watch it again and you’ll understand what I’m on about (hopefully). 

ANYWAY let’s just get to the actual scenes. 

#1: Okay damn let’s talk about this. This is the scene Tae Joo’s father hits Kang Gook and threatens Tae Joo that he’s gonna send him to England if he doesn’t behave. Look at the sadness in his eyes. After he gets hit Kang Gook turns at Tae Joo and gives him a strained smile. Tae Joo desperatly needs someone to comfort him, to tell him that his father isn’t going to send him away, that he won’t be separated with Kang Gook who has always been the person closest to him. I believe he feels sad Kang Gook is being punished at that moment because of him, but most importantly he just doesn’t want to go. Kang Gook has always been a constant in his life (except that one week in Japan maybe). I can see why Kang Gook said that Tae Joo sees him as him mother. He always was the one to comfort Tae Joo and put him back together and Tae Joo seems to always depend on Kang Gook for emotional support. 

#2: Tae Joo’s face before and after Kang Gook says “If you are that good, maybe you don’t need a bodyguard anymore”. Again his whole face changes completely and he looks so shaken. The truth is he probably can’t imagine his life without Kang Gook, the thought alone terrifies him. Maybe he is even slightly hurt that Kang Gook even said something like this. Like this friendship, relationship, or whatever it is, isn’t as important to him as it is to Tae Joo. I-

#3: Tae Joo asking if Kang Gook saw him and Mingyeong kiss the previous night. I believe Tae Joo probably knows Kang Gook did see them. And the fact that he brings it up like that makes Kang Gook so angry. He’s probably wondering why did he have to bring it up. And why is Tae Joo even asking when he knows his job is to always look after him and of course he saw it because he is his bodyguard and he must watch him 24/7. It hurts Kang Gook that he saw that kiss and that he didn’t have a choice. But he is also very angry because Tae Joo is oblivious to all of this and his feelings. 

#4: I don’t have much to say about this. Look at the softness in Tae Joo’s eyes and how, although this is a kind of awkward situation, he isn’t averting his gaze. For fuck’s sake, where’s his oscar??

#5: Now Tae Joo is experiencing all these confusing new feelings and he can’t stop thinking about Kang Gook. The famous shadow speech. You can see both confusion and maybe anger in his eyes. I am not sure if he is actually staring at Kang Gook or if he is seeing a shadow. That scene is just a really good example of a very confused boy. And all that hurt is turning into anger. 

#6: I believe at this point Tae Joo has actually started realizing what his feelings mean. He gets into the restaurant and doesn’t look at Kang Gook at all. This is the first time he acknowledges them. Right after Hyemi asks if Kang Gook likes Tae Joo and then if Tae Joo likes Kang Gook. We basically know he hears everything they say so that can’t be random. He wants to hear the answer. So he looks at Kang Gook with the same sad eyes and waits. And then he hears the famous “master/servant relationship” response. 

#7: So many things have already been said about this scene. They both realize the importance of what really happened. And it’s not just the “you were supposed to be protecting me” thing. Kang Gook mechanically went to Hyemi. It wasn’t even a concious choice. His instinct told him to protect her and not Tae Joo. He probably sees this as Kang Gook not caring enough about him, actually not caring at all. He would just let him get hurt. 

#8: Nothing to say about this, I just had to include this. 

#9: This. This parallel. Even when he was on a date with Hyemi, from the moment Tae Joo entered the place, Kang Gook couldn’t stop stealing glances at him. And ofc she noticed. I believe Hyemi is actually very smart and observant. Kang Gook probably really tried to like her and forget about Tae Joo, but his eyes betrayed him. You see, that’s what eyes do. You can’t control it. That’s why I think this is all very interesting. 

FINAL POINT I PROMISE. Look at the following screenshots. 

#10: As I said, while watching it again to take these screenshots for this post, I noticed how much they look at each other. They literally can’t take their eyes away from each other. That’s why the moments that they DON’T stand out so much. Bet you didn’t see that coming, huh? I think it’s mostly Tae Joo trying to avoid Kang Gook every time he’s angry or upset and Kang Gook trying to avoid the topic of their feelings and hide the truth. Them not looking at each other though, feels me with so much sadness. You can feel something is clearly very very wrong. 

In conclusion, 

[nathan-livingston-hnd1c]

Seeing the Light Evaluation

9th December 2020

What was the project theme and what did you think of it?

The theme for our first brief for foilo one was Seeing the Light it was a portrature based brief i found it a bit akward at first becasue we were in lockdown when the brief was given to the class so it thought that it would be difficult reaching out to people to include in my final images but on the other hand i had lots of different locations near where i live and within Glasgow City Centre that i wanted to depict when it came to shooting my final portraits. 

What part of the project did you enjoy the most? (Making the photographs, editing, optimising, printing?)

The part that i enjoyed the most was the pre production part. While i was doing my reasrch for the Brief i came across a really intresting social documentry photographer named Rob Bremner he is originally from wick and his most notable photography work is his portraits of the working class men and women on the streets of Vauxhall and Everton, Liverpool in the late 1980s. 

What i like the most about bremner’s work is the ambient light source that is depicted in alot of his portaits. 

Mostly i love the nostalgia and the image quality in a lot of Bremners early Portraits, they give you a strong idea of what working class britain was like during that particular era. 

His work can be found on Social Media and on various photography journals myself and Rob both follow each other on Instagram. 

Here is a portrait example by Rob Bremner.

photo https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.dazeddigital.com%2Fbeauty%2Fmasculinity%2Fgallery%2F27840%2F0%2F80s-liverpool-lads-by-rob-bremner&psig=AOvVaw3LrmOOpZ34tzj55gg2QNoM&ust=1607611491070000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CAIQjRxqFwoTCJCfhdKRwe0CFQAAAAAdAAAAABAa

What new techniques have you experienced?

During the first few weeks of the brief the class were given the oppertunity to come into the HND studio every thursday etheir on the morning or the afternoon and we were introduced to a new range of studio lighting techniques and we were put into groups of two or three students and we took portraits of each other using a different lighting technique each session.

I also experienced a new range of composition techniques when it came to shooting my final portraits i took portaits using a range of different viewpoints of one of my models in Glasgow Green.

I also learned more about the different file types that is commonly used when it comes to the post production stage of my final selection of images.

What new technique would you like to develop further?

I would definetly like to futher develop the techniques that is used within the studio and this is for all of my projects i feel that i am struggling to understand the process of studio lighting. 

i feel that it might also be benefical if i did some more reaserch into this. 

What new photographers did you reaserch for this project?

Other than Rob Bremner i investigated another photographer called Kevin Cummins. 

Kevin Cummins is a well known portrait photographer in the Manchester music scene and has taken both individual and group based portraits of Artists and bands such as Joy Division, Morrissey, Oasis, Stone Roses etc. 

What i like the most Cummins work is his black and white style and his choice of locations in which he shoots his music portraits they are often shot within the run down parts of Manchester. 

Kevin Cummins work can be found on his website and on Instagram.

https://www.instagram.com/kcmanc/

http://www.kevincummins.co.uk/biography.php

How have they influenced your photographs?

I feel that a lot of Rob Bremners work influenced my final Photographs in terms of natrual lighting but not so much by choice of locations for my final images. 

I took portraits of Ryan Baston at Glasgow Green back in early october and my final images have a mixture of both dim and harsh sunlight. 

What new technique did you enjoy the most?

The techniques that i enjoyed the most was optimising my final images, i used Adobe Lightroom to edit my final selcetion of portraits i made variations of the same image in different colours using the colour channel mixer and i made adjustments to the contrast and exposure. 

Did you encounter any problems in your project?

alothough i enjoyed the pre production stage of the Brief when it came to the production of my final photographs i felt that things did not go the way i had hoped they would for various reasons. 

Because of the Covid 19 situation i was struggling to get people who would be willing to be photographed due to social restrictions and my options were limited to only two people which were a family member and a student who i worked with last year when i was studying photography at NQ level. 

One of my chosen locations was at Kelvingrove Park and my decision was to approch skateboarders at Kelvingrove Skate Park and ask them if they would like to be photographed however i felt very intimidated by the idea of doing this so i made the concious decision not to approch them. 

I also encountered a lot of technical issues in terms of lens choice. I only had my 10 - 22 mm wide angle lens to shoot from home but i was then given the oppertunity to borrow a set of 50 - 105mm zoom lens form the college which turned out to be a much better lens choice for shooting portaits. 

I also had an issue with my own laptop. during the process of optimising my images my laptop got a virus and i was not able to download Photoshop, Lightroom and Bridge so i put in a request to borrow a laptop from the college and while i was waiting to get one i used the Macs in the library to continue with the coursework. 

How did you learn from them and how did they affect your final images?

I learned a lot about the type of lens that would be the best choice to shoot my final portraits with this was because i ended up using a verity different lenses for everyting i shot for this project. 

I think my final images were affected a lot by the different focal lengths that was used with the various sets of lenses, but also when it came to optimising my images and saving them as Jpeg files i strugglged to save them in full resolution of 300 ppi this was because some of the images i chose to submit were badly cropped. 

What would you do differently given the chance to complete the project again?

I would give myself more time to orginise my photoshoots and make arrangements with people were happy for me to photograph by starting the production process a lot sooner in the time we were given to complete the project. 

even though i had a lot of nice locations in mind i felt that i left it a bit too late in the duration of the project to get my final shots completed. 

Discuss any technical issues with your final images? (Focus, Sharpness, exposure/highlight, shadow, detail etc)

When it came to shooting for my final seeing the light portaits some of my images were out of focus this my have been because i was rushing through the shooting process.

Some of my images turned out to be quite dark so i had to make adjustments to the exposure using Adobe Lightroom. 

I was also using flash for some of my images. 

Going deeper; if you were asked to complete a project using this technique, what would you do? What new ideas would you have? This may be explained as a visual, drawing, sketch, photograph...you decide on how you present this section?

I would like to complete a location based still life project with the use of ambient lighting, someone i follow on social media has already shot something similar, he did a outdoor product photography shoot using a bottle of pure gin as his subject choice. 

The final image includes the sunset as a natrual light source.

I would like to do something similar to this but with green goblin glasses which i have at home as my subject choice, i would like to see how the sunlight bounces off from the objects. 

This is a project which can be easily done at home.

[dapper-ships-herself]

@dokiqx @raudrfox2

The answer changes a bit depending on the s/i, so I'm gonna start with more general and like personal and then go into my s/is.

Dazai and I both, let's say wrestle with certain feelings about life and the world around us. When it feels like you're adrift and very little matters, it helps a great deal to have someone to ground you, and that's Dazai and I for each other. When the world is cruel, we can reach out our hands and feel the warmth, and through that feel safe and real. Neither of us are used to letting ourselves be fully vulnerable to the people around us, we're always masking something, maybe not for entirely the same reasons, but we are. Our relationship is when we both let those walls fall bit by bit, letting go of fear and trepidation. He never even thought he could feel real love before, both of us had thought we weren't worthy of it.

And Dazai is a genius, he's amazing and confident in his abilities, he can see straight through pretty much anyone, so I think why would he even want me, I'm so boring and predictable, I'm not a fan of taking risks and putting myself out there. But Dazai sees all my good qualities, he appreciates my strong empathy and my compassion, he sees how even though I struggle with my own worth I put so much worth into the lives around me, and I have a fun way of thinking about a lot of things, I'm creative bright even when I think I'm not. I become like a fresh, sunny spring day for his soul. And Dazai, his hands are so stained and his mind so jaded, even as he works to redeem himself and be on the side that saves people, he thinks there's too much darkness to ever truly be washed away. But I know that even though he's done a lot of bad, what matters most is what he's doing now; he's trying so hard to be good, to move away from the darkness that only acted as a negative feedback loop for him, that was never good for a boy with a mind like his. He is actively trying to be a good man, and I remind him of that. Neither of us are ever going to be perfect, but that's fine when we're together through our flaws. And through it all, we help each other see the beautiful things to live for.

Okay, now let's go into some specifics for the s/is.

ADA! Gillian has been through some pretty deep trauma with the loss of her little sister when they were kids, and at the time she thought she'd never ever recover from that and stay in the emotionless darkness forever, but with the help of Fukuzawa and Ranpo and the other agency members, she was able to heal. Despite the guilt and trauma that still sticks to her, how easy it would be to write the world off as simply cruel and uncaring, that's not her style. She loves the world, she loves the people in it, she knows that there's darkness but that only means that the rest of them should try their hardest to spread as much love and compassion as they can to balance that out. To Dazai, her unwavering light is strange but so calming. She's so strong in her determination to protect her family and everyone and everything that needs saving, it really touches something in him. She teaches him that it's okay, that they deserve to laugh and love and live, and she helps show him how to actively view the world for it's good parts. Even if someday it's hard, some days she's sad and can't forget the past, some days she tries very hard to push away the anger that festers in her at the unfairness that abounds, she still tries and now they can stand by each other's sides and try together. And he also knows what it's like to suffer and lose the one person who's most important, and he helps her confront the guilt that still clings to her, in fact that's something mutual. And she also, even though she accepts and appreciates her ability for how it lets her help people, it's also an ability that takes away a person's free will and can cause a lot of destruction, and she is afraid of the inherent evilness of it, and though Dazai respects how she's made the concious choice to only use it to help people, he sees her fear and helps her accept it.

Mafia! Gillian and Dazai probably have the most complicated relationship of all. Neither really wanted friends or saw the use of them, but they became each other's first real friend after he joins the mafia. They connect and resonate in a much stronger and more natural way than either were really prepared for; and then they were part of the quartet with Ango and Oda too, and she loved them all. She could be quoted as saying the three of them were probably the only things keeping her sane in the Port Mafia. And then she went away on a mission for a few weeks, no contact with her friends, and suddenly that little slice of joy she had was shattered, Oda was killed, Ango had been a double agent the whole time, and Dazai had abandoned her without so much as a good bye, much less and explanation. It sent her to a dark place for a while. She wanted to hate Dazai, and she certainly felt bitter, but she couldn't bring herself to hate him; how could she, really. She disliked being in the Port Mafia, but not only does she feel she'd have no where else to go, that if she left she'd be leaving her father, Ougai, aka the only person who's ever seen to genuinely want her around and stay that way, but her ability is literally to control darkness and too much light literally causes her pain and discomfort, it's clear to her that she was born to forever stay in the world of darkness and never be able to stand in the light. When she and Dazai eventually meet again four years after he left the mafia, there's a lot of complicated feelings too work through. She's bitter and angry and can't understand why he'd leave her like that if their friendship really meant anything; Dazai thought it was the right move at the time, he justified it to himself by reasoning that he knew she felt chained to the mafia and he had to leave quickly and cleanly in order to successfully rid himself of his dark past, he couldn't risk waiting for her to come back from her mission and having to convince her. But, really, he was afraid. After all, he's convinced that everything he desires will slip through his fingers the moment he obtains it. If he tried to hold on to the happiness she brought him and selfishly took her with him, he'd only bring her ruin some other way, and he wasn't deserving of her. He genuinely does regret it though, and it's not easy for him to admit that he was wrong but he knows that this is one instance where he was so terribly wrong. They have to work through these feelings in order to get anywhere, and she also has to realize that she does have the capability to step into the light, which she does partially with Dazai's help. There's a lot of fighting through the bullshit to finally be together.

Jekyll! Gillian takes the stuff mentioned earlier about always masking some part of ourselves to the extreme. Her ability, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, literally manifests her jaded view of the world into a physical creature of chaos, aka Hyde. And she rejects Hyde hardcore, that's why she's so unstable, destructive, and difficult to control, as well as hates her in return. She puts on the sugariest of sweet faces to try and mask this darkness, but Dazai is able to see it. He recognizes her mask easily, because he's basically doing the exact same thing. Eventually, after a lot of plot haha, they're able to help each other let go of their facades a bit and better accept themselves for who they are. They find this kinship in each other that honestly makes it easier for them to let go of their guards at least a little bit. They both hold a lot of jaded darkness with themselves, and they've both done some pretty terrible things and dirtied their hands, him in the mafia and her in the Order of the Clocktower, and they were both able to break away from that to try and become better people, and that's really nice for them to be able to relate to each other.

Circus! Gillian is, true to the name of her troupe the Circus of the Disillusioned, disillusioned about much of the world. It's dirty and cruel and not on your side. But, the circus always promoted family, the whole reason Voltaire formed the troupe was to attempt to not lay there and accept their wretched fate, that they as humans should try and create at least small pockets of a world more right and colorful. And this ideal stays with her. So yeah, they're both not huge fans of the world, but she has a more innate desire to change that, and she believes it's the duty of humans to fight through and not back away from the world through means like suicide (does that make sense? Trying to word it properly). So she actually is pretty, hm, disgusted is too strong of a word to use, she clashes a lot with Dazai's suicidal jokes. And she's too tsundere and jaded herself to outright be all flowery ~I will help you~, but that sort of discussion is a theme between them early on. Their abilities are foils for each other as well, Dazai is an ability nullifier, she's an ability amplifier, and that sort of reflects their views too.

Guild! Gillian at first seems to have the most innocent view of the world, after all she's rich and spoiled by her father, Francis. And she acts rather carefree too, like someone who's always been secure and never known difficulty. But she has known pain, and there's more than a naive rich girl beneath the surface. She's cunning and knows how to read people, she's been trained in the art of business since she was a child and had it drilled into her that you must never roll over for the world. She's also been taught that she's the daughter of the great Fitzgerald, which means she's meant for greatness too, and she hides it from her father but that's left her with a desperation to prove herself and live up to a great big shadow. But she's genuinely kind too, she loves the world for it's flaws and wants to support the people in it. So yeah, they're ways of thinking clash a bit, but at the same time they work perfectly in other aspects. At first, it's more like he's interested in her for the sort of contradictions she poses, but he starts to genuinely respect her and admire how she chooses to see kindness and work for it, how she takes things in to her own hands to make the world she sees in her mind real. And she respects him for his intellect and eventually for his resolve once she learns of his past. And respect is pretty much the bud that will bloom into love.

There's a lot of fighting to find the light in the dark and acceptance of ourselves.

I hope this was all coherent and not to rambly ha.

[renzgonzales-blog1]

CHAPTER 3: AN ANTHROPOLOGICAL CONCEPTUALIZATION OF THE SELF: THE SELF AS EMBEDDED IN CULTURE                    “Since Then” Filipinos follow different traditions and cultures despite our similarities and differences. Our ancestors created this cultures and we adapt these cultures because it is introduced to us. The identity toolbox refers to the features of a person’s identity that he or she chooses to emphasize in constructing a social self. We came from different families, tribes, and ethnicities but it is still in our minds that we should unite as one. Family membership could be the most significant feature to identify a person’s social identity. Everything we do will reflect to our family just like you did something wrong infront of other people and they will tell you like “Is that what your family teach you?” It is what others perceive about us not knowing the real reason behind it. Personal naming is a universal practice that establishes a child’s birthright and social identity. We are born in this world with names and that names came from our parents who really loves us. When we’re in our mothers womb they always think about what name they could to this child and they really work hard for it. We all have different practices on our cultures and we believe that this practices is really good for us. Here in the Philippines we adapt the sociocentric view. Even were 18+ our parents still accept us as a family and we could still live in a same house not like in other countries when you reach 18 you should live independently. Im 18 yrs old but my parents are still working for us to survive. These cultures became a true trademark of us Filipinos and it will remain in our hearts until the end of time.CHAPTER 1: PHILOSOPHICAL PERSPECTIVE OF THE SELF

“Decisions I make”

“Philosophy employs the inquisitive mind to discover the ultimate causes, reasons, and principles of everything”. This chapters deals with different philosophers and their philosophical view of the self. Each one of them contribute on how they perceive and understand the true meaning of the self. We exist in this world for some various reasons and we think that we have a purpose in it. According to Plato: The Self is an Immortal Soul, his philosophical view of the self has a great impact on every individual lives. He introduces the three part soul the reason, physical appetite, and spirit or passion. He believes that when a conflict occurs, it is the reason’s responsibility. Reason helps us to think deeply, make wise choices, and achieve the true understanding of eternal truths. Physical appetite includes our basic biological needs such as hunger, thirst, and sexual desire. The spirit or passion includes ones basic emotions such as love, anger, ambition and aggressiveness. As we grow older things get sucks than the way it used to be. When I was a child I didn’t value decisions that I make and I do it inappropriately. At this stage things get worser and I am not able to solve the problem easily because I didn’t let the “Reason” rule over the situation. Those experiences taught me on how should we manage our decisions in life because even a single decision can change our entire life. We eat in order to survive, we sort things out to satisfy our desires, we easily get tempted by the inferior perspective we didn’t wanted, we love unconditionally, we set goals for success and create ambitions in life. At some point these things helps us to make ourselves more human but instead of thinking the positive outcome, we should also think the adverse effects of this wants and should limit our actions properly. These things should be in control because if we don’t, our life might get miserable. Physical appetite and spirit or passion are prone to judgement. When these things are brought to contact, conflict might occur and we should let Reason rule over the situation. We should be responsible in the things we do, think more before we take actions and learn to be contended on what we have now. Even these simple things will make things better and better and I believe that “Genuine happiness can only achieve by people who consistently make sure that their Reason is in control of their Spirit and Appetites”.

CHAPTER 2: SOCIOLOGICAL PERSPECTIVE: THE SELF AS A PRODUCT OF SOCIETY

   “Mirror”

Everytime we go outside it seems like were always concious about our dress code, smell, looks and many more. This world is full of judgement and insecurities but how do we get rid of it? The looking-glass self by Charles Horton Cooley introduces to highlight that the people whom a person interacts with become a mirror in which he or she views himself or herself. Technically speaking, people who surrounds us become a mirror because they are the one who sees us and its up to them how they perceive and think about what were showing to them. Self-identity or self-image is achieved through a threefold event which begins by conceiving an idea of how a person presents himself or herself to others. We have different ways on how we present ourselves to others but attitude is the major concern. Its up to us on how we treat other people. If we treat them in a bad way of course you should expect that bad things will reflect to you. You should treat others the way you wanted to be treated and always remember the golden rule. Second is conceiving an idea of how he or she analyzes how others perceive him or her. We may encounter different perceptions and opinions from other people but we shouldn’t let their opinion ruin us because maybe these things bothers us the most and we might have wrong interpretations that will lead us to negative self-image. The third one is conceiving an idea of how he or she creates an image for himself or herself. Since we are in the modern world we tend to improve our appearance by improvising ideas to make ourselves good-looking. Some of us are very concious of what they wear, what they look-like and what they smell. Creating a good self-image prevent judgement from other people because it is pleasing in them if they see or feel a good ambiance within us but at the end of the day there perceptions about us don’t really matter as long as we know what is right and what is good for us. We shouldn’t change ourselves just to make them please, instead just be you and don’t let the world define who we are.

CHAPTER 3: AN ANTHROPOLOGICAL CONCEPTUALIZATION OF THE SELF: THE SELF AS EMBEDDED IN CULTURE

                   “Since Then”

Filipinos follow different traditions and cultures despite our similarities and differences. Our ancestors created this cultures and we adapt these cultures because it is introduced to us. The identity toolbox refers to the features of a person’s identity that he or she chooses to emphasize in constructing a social self. We came from different families, tribes, and ethnicities but it is still in our minds that we should unite as one. Family membership could be the most significant feature to identify a person’s social identity. Everything we do will reflect to our family just like you did something wrong infront of other people and they will tell you like “Is that what your family teach you?” It is what others perceive about us not knowing the real reason behind it. Personal naming is a universal practice that establishes a child’s birthright and social identity. We are born in this world with names and that names came from our parents who really loves us. When we’re in our mothers womb they always think about what name they could to this child and they really work hard for it. We all have different practices on our cultures and we believe that this practices is really good for us. Here in the Philippines we adapt the sociocentric view. Even were 18+ our parents still accept us as a family and we could still live in a same house not like in other countries when you reach 18 you should live independently. Im 18 yrs old but my parents are still working for us to survive. These cultures became a true trademark of us Filipinos and it will remain in our hearts until the end of time.

CHAPTER 4: PSYCHOLOGICAL PERSPECTIVE OF THE SELF

             “True Me”

We have our own perceptions about how can we understand the true meaning of the self. This chapter deals with psychological perspective of the self. According to Carl Rogers he suggests that there are two components of the self-concept the real self and the ideal self. When we say “real self” this thing refers of what one is and what one can do, basically it is what we have right now like the way we act, the way interact other people, the way we live and etc. The ideal self refers to a person’s conception of what one should be and what one aspires to be, so the ideal self is what a person wanted to be. We set goals and create ambitions in life for us to be a successful person someday. These things makes sense at all, it will help a person to shape and mold its true character and it will lead us to a better future someday. Each one of us has desires and dreams just like me I wanted to be a Radiologic Technologist someday because I want to help my family to get rid of difficulties in life. We can make our ideal self as a motivation towards from our success but we can achieve those specific goals if we work hard and strive hard for it. If we get tired we should rest and learn not to quit and always remember why you’ve started. The closer the ideal self to the real self, the more fulfilled and happy the individual becomes. According to Winnicott that the self is composed of true self and false self. I encounter a lot of people doing this kind of stuffs especially first day of classes. False self might occur if we meet people especially first time. Most of my classmates tend to show their false self because maybe they’re afraid of judgement and a thing we call first impressions. I show my false self to the people im not close with and people I didn’t know. I regret those days that everytime I open up, it hurts because they don’t deserve to know me. I only show my true self to the people always behind my back who always supports me and accept me of what I really am and they are my family and my closests friends. Its up to us how we portray ourselves to other people as long as were kind enough to make them happy because I believe that the things we do are the things matters the most.

CHAPTER 5: THE WESTERN AND EASTERN CONCEPTS OF SELF

Western concept of self has different aspects that will introduce different personalities. I can see myself in Western Self as Monotheistic. I believe in one God the Creator and the God who sustain our needs. The term ‘self’ refers to an individual human being, along with their body, mind, and in some cases, the concept of a ‘soul’. The western view of the ‘enduring self’ refers to the notion that “you are the same person you were earlier in your life. In other words, it assumes that we humans are selves that endure through time” So, despite the many mental and physical changes that may occur during our life, we are essentially the same ‘self’ throughout our many developments. While western traditional has, for the most part, accepted and championed the idea of an ‘enduring self’, the exact definition and characteristics of this ‘enduring self’ are diverse. However, the Enlightenment philosopher David Hume and the founder of Buddhism, Siddhartha Gautama, both rejected the idea of an ‘enduring self’, even going so far as to claim any concept of a ‘self’ is an illusion. Individualistic cultures are those that stress the needs of the individual over the needs of the group as a whole. In this type of culture, people are seen as independent and autonomous. Social behavior tends to be dictated by the attitudes and preferences of individuals. Cultures in North America and Western Europe tend to be individualistic.Western Concept of self as Individualistic it talks about our personal freedom

In individualistic cultures, people are considered "good" if they are strong, self-reliant, assertive, and independent. This contrasts with collectivist cultures where characteristics like being self-sacrificing, dependable, generous, and helpful to others are of greater importance. Western Concept of self as Individualistic it talks about our personal freedom

CHAPTER 6: THE PHYSICAL SELF

“Apperance”

The aim of art is to represent not the outward appearance of things but their inward significance. There are many ways you can describe a person. The way I would describe myself is that my physical features are unique, for me of course but for them, I didn’t think so. Over time, a person transforms his self image into his identity. As a result, hairstyle, types of clothes, and particular possessions are bounded with a person so tightly that, if ever taken away, would cause drastic depersonalization. In the past few days there’s a lot of people asking why I changed my hairstyle without knowing the reasons behind it. Im not that type of person who usually improvise ideas to make myself better looking. As you can see we have our own charisma and beliefs on how can we change ourselves to have a better outcome appearance. Everyone of us has its own way to express ourselves physically. Since I was a child I didn’t value the importance in beauty not just on the inside but in the outside. We filipinos it is in our culture to have more or less the same concept of what is beautiful. A while ago when I was scrolling down in my facebook account I red a statement of a guy he said that “Auto reject because Im ugly”. So I found out that people who are physically attractive are the ones who are favored in a relationship than unattractive people, unlike others people tend to set standards for himself/herself. In the physical sense, they are things like personal hygiene, personal dress code, and accessories that highlight one's personality. It is not surprising how often people define themselves using their physical appearance in this highly populated society where first impression is crucial. When I started in college I thought it would be hard for me to gain friends because I thought that some of my classmates choose friends if you are good-looking. In our generation if you are physically attractive you have a lot of advantages in life. Most people who are perceived to be attractive are favored over those who are not in many social situations. However, it is important for us to see the person’s inner being before judging them. Physical appearance alone is not enough to see the person’s true character. Face is just an expression of well being and emotion but becomes a root of all forms of discrimination. It is just a masterpiece of God’s creativity but becomes a basis of a judgmental society. We should be kind to everybody because everyone’s fighting a hard battle.

CHAPTER 7: THE SEXUAL SELF

          “Sex”

“Sex is nature in people” When God said... Go to the world and multiply, many religious belief follow God’s order but when we do it, it should be proper. This cruel and relentless world has full of temptations and judgment that every single person committed sins in a way that they might destroy their lives. Im just 17 years old and Im really curious about the word “sex” not just me but also the world. Some of my friends shared about their “sexperience” and it is quite silly because you heard it from them verbally. It is full of nasty words and goosebumps is all I feel. I didn’t know the feeling of having sex with a partner. There are different forms of sex but to be honest I tried only self-stimulation or masturbation. We should admit it that we all do this kind of stuffs and sometimes we are fantasizing erotic images like naked men or women especially our crushes, just kiddin’. As the time goes by our population are getting higher because of the teenage pregnancy and PMS or premarital sex. Sex is sacred and it is gift from God over those people who are married but why some of us do sex in an ordinary way? as what I’ve said earlier maybe they are curious and maybe tempted. In biblical views, it is said that our body is the temple of the holy spirit and we should respect our body not just in terms of sex but taking care of it properly. We all have different sexual orientation, just like me I can tell that I am attracted in both sexes but it occurs more naturally in male. There is no problem of being a gay or bisexual the only problem is the judgmental people who surrounds us and keep telling things in an inappropriate way. Why you can’t keep your eyes open and see the beauty in it?. I know that most cases of HIV/Aids belongs to the LGBTQIA+ but instead of making things worser, you should able to do nice things that make other people please. Reproductive Health Law or RH Law is responsible to this kind of situations. It always keep telling us on how can we prevent pregnancy and STD’s or sexual transmitted diseases. Catholic Church is not in favor of it because they believe that it tolerates people to do sex. We are in the modern world where people thinks practically in order to make our country a better place. We can’t control people especially those who are sexually active. This law will might help them and it always keep telling them to use contraceptives to avoid different circumstances. As a concern citizen we should be responsible in the things we do and always remember not having sex can be the safest sex method to avoid this kind of phenomena.

CHAPTER 8: THE MATERIAL SELF

“Things I want”

“Self is everything that an individual considers to be his or hers, not only his or her body and material possessions but also his or her reputations and beliefs (James,1980). There are few material components of the self the body, clothes that people wear, and one’s house, cars and pets. Base on what I have read on the book women are more submissive than men in terms of perceptions about physical appearance. As I observed on my environment men especially women do really conscious the way they act and talk or how they express their characteristic through materials they have. People can be possible describe the person correctly by knowing the wants and needs.Sometimes, I noticed this kind of attitude but I am not fully aware the outcomes after getting my needs or wants. At this age I am still practicing how to give a limit to myself, because it is really hard to stop i regret those days I made my self spoil on something.There is nothing wrong when we say material self. Human as we are we tend to know our wants and needs and it is natural for us to be satisfied on something. But people should be more aware on getting something. In a reason, the desire for material possessions also have negative effects on one’s sense of self and identity. They are giving more importance to material instead of values.

CHAPTER 9: THE SPIRITUAL SELF

     “Faith”

We all have our different beliefs when it comes to religion. There’s a lot of ways on how can we serve God, by worshipping him, praying, and reading the bible. Religion is the most contradicting part of spirituality, if religion is good why it divides its society? The question that makes people think and perceive of what religion will might bring to us. Im born in catholic but I have a christian faith. It is not right to judge other peoples beliefs we should respect them and let them. I that theres no religion that could save you, it is the relationship between you and God. I regret the days that im in the point of my life that I don’t believe in God anymore and everything has changed. I don’t have someone to ask for help, to pray for and share my thoughts when I’m alone. Maybe those experiences made me realize that my faith is not strong enough to believe in God because I let my self drowned by my own doubts and letting my self conceived by the enemy. There’s really nothing wrong in believing God have faith and trust in him and things will work out. Victor Frankl introduces the way of finding meaning in life. According to him one can discover the meaning of life in three different ways by doing a deed, experiencing a value, and by suffering. In doing a deed the way of finding meaning of life is through achievements and accomplishments. If we have a lot of achievements in life maybe we find our purpose in it and lead us to understanding the true meaning of life. Second way is experiencing a value. Loving is an example to this one. The feeling that someone loves us is one of the most wonderful feeling we can feel. We will know our value why we exist and why we live in this world. No one can become fully aware of the essence of another human being unless he or she loves him or her. The third way of finding meaning in life is by suffering. Through sufferings man can encounter the significance of existence. If there is a purpose in life at all maybe there must be a purpose in suffering and in dying but according to him no one can tell another what this purpose is. We can find the true meaning of life by staying longer in this world. Day by day we experience a lot of struggles and trials maybe these things will help us to understand the abstract meaning of life. The practice of animism here in the Philippines is still existing nowadays. Some of them believe that stones, statues and etc. exist to protect them and guide them toward a fruitful life. It is not right to worship a God you made by your own hands, instead serve the God that will sustain all your needs in life and give you true salvation.

CHAPTER 10: THE POLITICAL SELF

“What politics provides us”

Politics. It is possibly the most hated word in the English language. Most people hate politics and government without really knowing what they are. Many different definitions of politics exist. One definition defines politics as the conflict between groups over something they both want. Another similar definition calls politics the "who gets what, when, and how." Government is defined as the institution that has the enforceable right to control people’s behavior. But why do people hate politics and politicians? Is it because politicians cannot be trusted, or maybe because they spend too much money? Whatever the reasons are for hating politics and government, both are needed as a mechanism for people to protect themselves. In some cases, politics is really a must for us to understand how it works and what politics could give in the Filipino citizens. As a student Im still learning about politics and how can I manage my political self in the near future. It is necessary for us to vote politicians like PRRD because they are the one who will help us in times of needs. When calamities may occur it is the responsible of the government to help and serve people but when we vote it should be wisely and think who deserves the spot. Through politics we are able to know what is the relationship between the country and the fellow citizens who are involve with this and learning the value of what is main purpose of politics in our lives.

CHAPTER 11: DIGITAL SELF

“Modern World”

“Think before you click” a simple phrase tat has a thousands of meanings. Everytime we woke up the first we find is our mobile phones. Checking notifications and if someone message us. Using of modern technologies is very rampant in our society nowadays. Technology made our life easier than before just like us in the past few years we use the charcoal iron, for it to be heated you should burn the charcoal inside to create heat and now you can use it to flatten clothes but now we use the electric flat iron and it is very convenient and less effort. Using of social media is excessive especially in our generation. Theres a lot of advantages that social media can give but we must be responsible if we’re engage in this kind of practices. These things should be in control because if not our life might be in tragic. I have a friend who usually posts on facebook everyday like what shes eating, what shes doing, where she is and many more. I told her it is not necessary to post those kind of stuffs because she might get stalked by someone and it is a major concern. Avoid posting our personal information because it will be use against us like blackmailing. As time goes by social media is part on our daily lives it use to communicate our love ones especially those who are in other countries. There’s nothing wrong in posting those kind of stuffs in social media as long as we limit ourselves from it to prevent different kind of circumstances

[vhaven93-blog]

On Will and Karma

ON WILL AND KARMA

By Daniel Allen Kelley

There's a widespread assumption that when someone discovers his or her True Will, everything falls into place and obstacles are magically removed.

I used to believe this too...

But I've discovered over the years that this assumption isn't only wrong, but the opposite of the truth. I'm reminded of a discovery made by a man some years ago regarding butterflies. He noticed that a certain species of butterfly struggled disproportionately more when emerging from its cocoon than other butterflies do. So, on one particular occasion, he decided that he'd gently slice open the cocoon of one such butterfly, so as to ease its struggle. To his surprise, the butterfly died soon after it emerged. So he repeated this experiment several more times, and each time he did so the butterfly perished. As it turns out, Nature evolved this struggle so as to strengthen the butterfly's wings for flight. So when this struggle is cut short, and the butterfly emerges from its cocoon prematurely, it can't fly. Consequently, the poor insect dies either from starvation or by becoming a predators next meal.

The plight of the butterfly struggling to emerge from its cocoon is analogous to the human being's discovery of his True Will. You see, before we discover, and make the commitment to honor, our True Nature, we cultivate various personae to serve as Stewards in its absence. We then build our lives around these personae. We make decisions, form relationships, choose career paths, inculcate various axioms to govern opinions and behaviors, all around a loose net of surrogate selves.

But then we wake up.....

Sometimes the discovery of our True Nature happens but we don't actively engage or embody it. Why? Because to do so isn't without its risks and dangers. Sometimes those risks can even prove fatal! Socrates was given hemlock to drink. Jesus was told to drag his own cross up to the top of Golgotha and was crucified to it. John Kennedy was shot in the head while sitting next to his wife. Martin Luther King Jr. suffered a similar fate.

And the list goes on and on...

The moment you make the concious choice to honor your True Will, you immediately come into conflict with the established structure erected by your unawakened self. And it is due to this adversity that many people retreat back into their former personae. But now this decision is made with the conscious understanding that this is a lie. From this lie comes resentment. From resentment is born hatred. And from hatred is born depression. And this is finally capped by contempt. Research has proven time and again that it's contempt, and not hatred, that finally destroys a life, corrupts a soul, and eradicates empires.

So what to do when you decide to honor your Truth but clash with former structures?

First, take full accountability for them. One of the fastest ways to take the wind out of your sails is to shift responsibility away from yourself. I've learned this lesson the hardest way a man can learn it. Even if you have sound reasons for blaming others, take full accountability anyway. Look at it this way: If the responsibility rests with you, then your bodymind creates the energy needed to bear it. But if you point away from yourself, you inadvertently place your power into the hands of someone else.

Which brings me to the topic of Karma.

Karma is a very misunderstood concept in the West. The word Karma means "work". It doesn't mean "revenge" or "justice". And the real gist of what karma is revealed itself to me as a result of taking full accountability, not for the actions of others, but for my reactions to them. This started to articulate itself to me shortly after the birth of my daughter, but only recently have I reached a point where I feel confident enough to discuss it with other people. You can look at Karma this way:

There are some games that people play with themselves and eachother that they only win if you participate. And this is especially important with regards to the games one plays on oneself. For example: Let's say I'm thinking of some traumatic episode from my past. Now, all know how that story goes. You start off by thinking of the event, then that memory triggers a negative emotion, which leads to an unending chain of bad memories. And instead of doing the smart thing and simply allowing the emotions themselves to temporarily take center stage, without repressing or expressing or feeding them, but allowing them instead to self-liberate, we add our thoughts and opinions and rationalizations to the mix and generate KARMA in the form of a negative feedback loop of a bad mood, taking it out on others, and forging new bad experiences that become new bad memories.

The same thing happens in our dealings with other people. If someone insults you, and instead of laughing it off or calmly asserting that you won't stand for it and then ignoring the person, or whatever, you instead lash out and compound the problem, the now you've decided to play the same toxic game and Karma is generated.

So a big part about embodying your highest Values in a world that doesn't recognize that version of you, is re-educating yourself on how to pick and choose your battles. Personally, I find that there are indeed times when you must shout and make your stand against tyranny or evil. But more common is the situation where you simply don't respond in the manner in which you used to. Instead, supplant every negative impulse and response with a positive one. For example, when I decided to honor my highest Values, I noticed that my social anxiety vanished. See, when the anxiety dominated my life, I'd allow many opportunities to slip away. Now, there's a confidence there that wasn't there before. So when I feel myself responding in the old way, I actively use that energy to seek out and engage an opportunity that I'd previously let slip away. This has the effect of defusing the negative impulse.

So remember: Even if you lose the whole world as a result of discovering your soul, choose your soul over the world. You'll soon find that the parts of the world that reject you are doing you a favor. Don't engage! If you remain true to yourself, the Helper will come. I've seen people lose everyone and everything and still hold true to themselves. As a result, they end up with more opportunities and supporters than they previously thought possible. Against all odds, they stayed the course. Eventually, this creates a positive feedback loop and opportunities increase exponentially. If you ask these people, they'll tell you that there were countless times they wanted to give up, or even kill themselves. Betrayed by people they thought were friends. Cheated on by their wife or husband. Shunned by their kids. Their body falling apart. Innumerable sleepless nights spent staring through eyes filled with tears at the bedroom ceiling. But they stayed true to themselves and endured.

So ask yourself: What are my highest values? Who am I REALLY? What's the highest target I can aim at that I stand a moderate chance of hitting if I really strive to hit it?

Then focus on it with unwavering concentration....

One powerful ally for me has been a sense of humor. If you can laugh at yourself you've really got a superpower there! Life is tragedy touched by malevolence, of that there can be no doubt. But if you can still manage to crack a joke about it, even in the darkest hour, you've attained something great. I'm still learning this as I go too. It's one of the most difficult things for me, because the melancholy that hits me can be VERY overwhelming. Who knows? Maybe we'll meet eachother on the Path someday, and add a few smiles to this sea of frowns.

Hoc Opus Hic Labor Est

[someonetotaketheedgeoff-blog]

15.09.2018 - Journal

(Some of this was written when I travelled with my family in America in the last 2 months)

4.07.2018

I picked a good time to quit comedy… just moments before Nanette. Maybe I’ll actually do something good if I make music instead of making jokes about fucking myself with an ex-girlfriend’s dildo.

I wont stay up late waiting to go on. Or be brutalised by Open Mic magazine on Facebook. Anything not to upset my fragile sense of self-esteem. There’s not much that's funny to me anymore… oh well… who gives a fuck anyway…

… So Liam goes into his little room and quietly dreams up his last open mic set…. hahaha… comedy can get you pretty fucked up! ... who gives a fuck anyway…

9.07.2018

Whenever I’m in a big city all I hear is it whispering (or perhaps screaming) to me - ‘can I just have some fucking money?!’  

I wonder how much I’m a product of my own fear. And also how much of what I make is a response to that fear.

It’s mostly been about death for me for the last 3 - 5 years. All I’ve done is use death to explain everything. I’ve used it to draw a line under certain things within myself and the exterior world. Seems lazy to me now.

Is laziness the fear of pain? Is a lack of motivation due to fear? A fear of failing?

It seems fear’s only a good motivator when you’re aware of what you’re afraid of and why.

23.07.2018

Travelling in America/being in America’s like being in GTA but you’re not any of the main characters.

24.07.2018

Not doing anything or not trying IS FAILING!

25.07.2018

Saw a guy stop in the subway, put his bag on the ground and re-adjust himself to get out a camera so he could take a photo of some graffiti on the wall that said ‘I love porno’.

Being in an all black neighbourhood I feel as if the black people are annoyed at me or my presence.

I keep think about the word ‘nigger’ and I keep thinking about the word ‘cracker’.

The current most popular, agreed upon philosophy on slur usage is do not say any word that has negative history associated with it and do not say ‘nigger’ if you’re not black.

Recently ‘retarded’ has been considered more offensive than it used to be and if you happen to use it you’re now accused of being an immoral person and presumably you think people that suffer mental deficiencies are bags of shit and you want to set them all on fire.

I have no problem with discussing words and I’m not even so much of a Doug Stanhope/iDubbbzTV nerd that I think the best world is a world where you say everything all the time in every context.

What I have a massive problem with is the presumption of hate and the pompousness of people downright attacking people that slip out ‘x’ word when a word is still in the process of being fazed out. It’s bloody political correctness gone quickly without open discussion and kindness!

Words are simply the end point of a vortex of shit and ideas and slang and culture. They are the bookend to a concept and when people get really caught up with words it kinda scares me.

The problem with these kinda bullshit discussions (especially on the internet) is that when you argue or discuss this shit the assumed reason for your questioning is that I want to be able to say ‘nigga’ with my friends for some unknown reason. But I don’t and I don’t understand why anyone would want to other than the fact that they’ve been told they can’t or they’re at a Klan meeting.

What I’m confused about is if words hold so much apparent power and evil due to their history then isn’t simply being white the most offensive and on the nose thing you can do? Probably, kinda, yeah.

Yet black people don’t fucking loose their shit when you walk into a room being all white and whiting the whole place up by being white. They simply get on with their lives. I believe the same shit could be applied to words. At least in a reactionary sense… it doesn’t make sense to berate a stranger with venom for saying that the fact that none of the self serve screens in Macca’s were working was retarded. I don’t know if this metaphor works. I’m just slightly confused as too why I get all my information on how to best treat minorities forced onto me from young well off white people in beer gardens. I just sit there and listen for a bit and then I stare into the reflective glare coming off their nose ring.

1.08.2018

Saw a full American fat guy in a servo. He was so fat I had to focus on not double-taking at him by staring intently at the fridge at the Dr. Pepper selection.

He looked beyond human.

13.08.2018

For some reason I am smoking again. It’s a never ending battle. Oh well. Strangely I don’t mind.

I smoked a cigarette I crafted from all the butts I could find in my parent’s house. Something I’ve done probably over 100 times in my life.

I find that I clench my jaw all the time. I’ve only noticed it recently. Through meditating and not doing drugs. I’ve noticed it. I thought I had neck cancer but the strange feeling of ache comes from my constantly clenching my jaw.

I worry that maybe I’ve done drugs and drank for so long now and started at a young age that the tracks within my brain are a little fucked. Or maybe I just have too high hopes for a sober life to be a more peaceful, and mentally stable one. Maybe the only thing I’ll gain is a healthier body.

I’m just afraid of all the horrible shit that’s inside my head. I’m afraid of being unlovable because of my desires and my personality. I don’t want to face in fear of losing Tash and revealing to her that I’m evil.

This seems to be the crux of all relationships. All of them. In the whole world. You know that you need to face the truth to get to the next stage. But it seems it will be so lonely, so terrifying and so cold… we don’t want to see the monsters that might lurk within us.

The thing is it’s almost impossible to have an honest relationship and never have turbulence. You can have a dishonest relationship with turbulence but the turbulence will be about bullshit like - ‘you said you were going to clean the extractor fan in the kitchen weeks ago…’ or ‘stop leaving your guitar on the couch…’ and such things might blow into massive arguments.

Relationships are designed to be a nightmare. Not by anyone in particular but by our hope for them and isolation and alienation we all experience internally in this society.

A relationship is a small life within your life.

Dependant on the extremity of a relationship (and obviously that is a relative thing but for sake of argument we’ll say a relationship where you truly considered that you would commit yourself to this other person until you or they or both had died) it could possibly be an interesting simulation of life after death (at least in an abstracted way).

When a relationship of said extremity begins to fall apart (for whatever reason) it’s interesting to note that you feel as if you’re dying and that there’s in fact no perceivable life to lead after the break up or if their is one it will be hellish and a subhuman existence not worth living.

When you survived a relationship that you’d committed everything to how did you feel?

I assume it was horrendous. But assuming you’re still alive and reading this… you must’ve started to feel somewhat normal once again.

Like awaking from a vivid dream it fades away rapidly. You played a different character, you lead a different life. You feel a horribleness deep inside. Not about the person but about the situation. Is this how it has to be? That the people you commit so intensely to, that you fuck and spend countless hours with then have to perish abstractly and then repressed as they fade into the background sometimes never to be spoken about or spoken to again…

I have a girlfriend now. And it terrifies my to think that the pattern may repeat.

***

We believe the internet is everlasting. Whether we research it or not, whether we know it consciously or not.

As much as we might make comments about Facebook and say things like- ‘be careful uploading those photos of your arsehole… you know that stuff will be up there forever’ I believe we’re secretly subconsciously screeching with joy at the fact that these photo’s will be up forever. As much as people have a disdain about Facebook and social media we adore it’s implied permanence. We believe that Facebook will be around after we’re dead. I say ‘believe’ because do you know how the fucking internet works? Do you know how a website is created? I fucking don’t. I don’t know if the internet would still exist if all the power plugs in the world were pulled out of there sockets. I’m a fucking idiot! A fucking idiot that has faith in the permanence of the internet… I mean… obviously… I write a blog mostly about death and existential dread and it put on… the internet.

The internet is now our saviour. It is the modern sleek titanium, bomb proof, indestructible, deathless park bench where you can scratch ‘L.D. was here’ and have a more solidified faith that it’ll be around for a while. And the longer it hangs around the more eye balls will see it, eye balls connected to a concious brain that’ll have no choice but to think ‘hey that guy was there’… and even if it’s just for one second your existence has been stretched just a tiny bit longer.

(People that love us are what we all orbit around all of our lives. If they happen to reject you at some point or disappear we then break away from that orbit and hurtle through abstract nothingness).

17.08.2018

Going to the pub was a bad idea. I went there thinking - ‘well… I kinda want to have just one drink’. The legs were aching and my poor sense of personal entitlement to some kind of ‘treat’ was raging within me. A very problematic thing for anyone that isn’t fulfilled in the work that that do (i.e. most people). I felt as I for some reason I deserved a beer. Also it was freezing cold. My feet were soaking wet and frozen due to my old decrepit shoes. I continued walking up the street. I noticed I had all these thoughts swirling in my mind. They all flew past me whispering - ‘it’s OK to have a beer’.

I watched them all swirl around in my head. I crossed my metaphorical arms and tutted. As I tutted I looked at the swirling thoughts and said - ‘fuck off… are you serious? You know this’s absolute bullshit. We don’t ‘deserve’ a drink… we don’t even probably technically want one… why are we actually going to do this?’

‘Yeah but we’ll only have one! Not even a pint mind you and then we’ll write a new to-do list and then maybe we see someone maybe we don’t and then we head off home and get down to work for a couple of solid hours before we go to bed’ said one of the thoughts.

‘Well OK… when you put it like that… that sounds nearly OK… but don’t you think there’s a chance that we might throw all that shit out the window and because we actually weren’t planning or trying to get drunk…. you’re going to use reverse psychology on me and then we actually will get drunk and most likely indulge in more heavily than if I’d actually planned to indulge…’ I replied.

‘Look don’t read into it just get into that pub… get a beer… have a cigarette in the beer garden, get out you’re little notebook and it’ll be just a quick little pop in, no worries, blah blah, etc, tomato tomato’ ’

‘Well alright then you’ve swung me round, but surely just like a small drink, like a ten ounce… you know we’re trying to focus on money and we’re only starting to face the fact of how much money we piss away on alcohol and other similar shit…’

‘Yea, yea, yea don’t worry just a ten ounce… don’t you worry about that’.

I walked up to the bar.

‘Yes what can I get you?’

‘Ah… could get a ten ounce of Little Creatures?’

‘Ah it’s actually $5 a pint right now and $10 dollars for a jug?’ she grinned slightly.

‘Ah…’.

I turned to the floating thoughts. I gave them a warning look. They all looked back at me like a pack of hyenas.

I began drowning internally - ‘Ah fuck! Na, na, na, I knew some bullshit like this was going to happen… action stations… we gotta think of some other shit… what else do they have on tap… maybe a stubby? Fuck!’

‘Hey this is great news! What a bargain! Don’t worry about it we’ll just drink that one pint and leave… no worries’ cackled the hyenas.

I ended up drinking maybe 5 pints. A bunch of my friends turned up and I talked a bunch of shit for a long, long time. It was as if ‘the plan’ had been completely erased from my mind like the bar lady had men in blacked me with the shine of her bar blade and I was back in the drinking business and also the business of not following my dreams and the business of having no self control.

The arguments in the pub got very heated. I have a few friends that can get heated during argument, (I mean who doesn’t) but I have to say it stresses me out a bit but even more so it confuses me. Every time an argument gets to that stage I don’t really trust anything that’s happening anymore. Your/my emotions are taking over and also everyone’s pissed. I think it’s interesting to me to watch people’s attention spans disintegrate at the pub. The more everyone drinks the quicker a group conversation subject topic can change hands. It’s not hard to do, barely anyone notices it and you can do it in a matter of seconds. You could be having a super intense discussion about anything and if you just interrupt everyone enough and interject a barrage of some current novelty bullshit topic that’s circling you can derail shit very quickly.

21.08.2018

Last week at the pub a friend told me that he basically waits for inspiration. He felt he should never force himself to create anything. Recently I’ve been getting back into the Stephen Pressfield way of thinking that he explains in the book The War Of Art. A book that basically shows you how to be a professional whatever, artist, musician, sports player, whatever. It’s a book that gives tools to fight the part of you that doesn't want to sit down and do the work. In other words it fights the notion of ‘waiting for inspiration’.

Very, very few times in my life have I been struck with overwhelming flaming inspiration to do anything. It happened more when I was a child. When I’d wake up early on a weekend I’d have the inspiration akin to fucking Michelangelo to go and make Lego spaceship car things out of all the see- through green pieces of Lego.

But when you get to around 7, 8, 9, 10 and beyond I think (I’m not a psychologist) you begin to second guess all that shit. You begin to be your own worst critic. Because fascinatingly nearly every kid up until that age will be happy to do a bit of drawing or play various characters in a fictional story they create on the spot. And then it all stops and this horrible awareness kicks in.

I define it as the point where you used to play with toys as a kid in your room. Each character having a crazy back story and way of speaking. You’d play, alone and be completely immersed. Your mum or dad would pop there head into the room to ask if you wanted cornflakes or some shit and you’d be like a focused director waving off an intern - ‘yea yea, sure, just have it on my desk, I’m working right now’. But then something changes around that age and when one of your parents pops their head into the room you freeze and quite your voice. You suddenly feel cripplingly self aware, maybe even stupid. You tell them to go away maybe or wait for them to leave before you get back into to the action.

Then one day you go to the studio (aka your bedroom with a mat on the floor resembling a city that we all had) and the juice is gone, the mojo is gone, you pick up the toys and you try to croak out their particular voice and you just feel stupid, looking quickly back at your bedroom door, making sure no one heard.

All of this stuff reminds me of a Picasso quote [R.I.P. 25.10.1881 - 19.06.2018*] - ‘Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up’.

I’ve always found it interesting. I think encapsulates what I’m saying. Most people have some kind of creativity or at least blissful ignorance of expression at an age and then their brains get bigger or something and they become pimply teenagers that struggle to even walk down the street without worrying about everything detail about themselves and then they learn to just manage that shit as they enter adult life.

*I’ve chose Picasso’s death date to be the release date of Nanette. I can’t really be bothered explaining why that is right now so I guess if you really want to know you’ll have to watch Nanette.

30.08.2018

I’m often confused as to why everyone has an opinion and why you seemingly have to have an opinion.

’I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing’ - Socrates

In my college years I used to be a bit of an air headed stoner art wanker and I still am but the difference is now I have opinions on things. Back then I didn’t really have opinions. And I did it on purpose because I knew that I didn’t know anything. However it didn’t really help me socially and it didn’t help in my relationships and it didn’t really help with my self-esteem. Not initially but eventually I started to feel like I was just drifting away into an abstract world of nothingness. People don’t really take you seriously when you don’t have any solid opinions. It’s probably not a ‘masculine’ trait.

Reminds of a Dylan Moran bit:

‘Men; strong opinions with no information’

[irlfae]

about my host

a modest introduction to myself first seems fitting as this is for documenting purposes. I am protective by nature but am aware, in polarity to skye that I am not the only protective.

I don't possess a name for personal choice, and assume once skye comes to terms with me that I will be given one. I have only recently fronted. I'd describe myself as an observational, attentive, and logical. I am aware of the trauma I am protecting her from, and avoid a person in her life and become dormant unless they are aggressive. I have only confronted this person while they were attacking her. I do not take away her concious actions but rather linger, being ready to catch her if she slips into panick due to this person.

I do not want attention or acknowledgement from this person, and if skye knew what I am capable of she would not want that either.

I have been watching my host for months. she does not have a sense of self, or a sense of our system. she is confused, finds euphoria in exploring the community and afraid of ,,faking it", in her words. And more so afraid the idea of having something wrong with her. She has an extreme aversion to anything that can make her be judged or labeled as unstable, in need of help, dependent, really anything that makes her not seem picture perfect.

Her system is all female aside from one. I am aware of them, she is in denial. she is torn between wanting help herself and to acknowledge her disorders and not believing that she is apart of a system.

Oni, self named, had approached skye directly. Oni is female, and earned the term ,,feral" from skye herself.

Skye allowed oni to manifest fully, for personal reasons. Skye had no idea how to solidify onis existence. to allow her first front, or rather force it. she sat infront of her mirror and watched herself change. Oni was too young. Is still very young. And seeing oni as someone she does not recognize to be her own identity terrified skye.

skye has since ignored oni, oni is however rarely dormant.

oni is the only one that skye recognizes.

information I found intriguing about her.

skye is quite fond of cats

particularly because she behaves like a cat in many ways.

ex: napping, living and thriving for affection of the petting kind, skittish, always curled up in resting positions, even sitting, makes lots of chirps, whimpers, and is aggressive in ,,play" mode.

she's fond of the nickname kitty, its validating and endearing to her, and the idea of her partner(s) calling her it is satisfying.

She however cringes at bdsm, and pet play, but often day dreams about her alter partner ,,collaring" her as a romantic gesture.

she is incredibly skittish and vulnerable, and her main protector is currently dormant or hasn't found her voice. which leaves skye very exposed and dependent on her main partner and alter partner.

the alter partner has earned my respect, I believe all of our system respects and values him and what he does for our host. the exception being oni who does not hold value to anyone or anything.

skye has an eating disorder, where she starves herself, she enjoys being hungry, it gives her euphoria. however often complains about it, and will only eat in request or when she is faint.

she is very careful with her image and does many things to conceal unfavorable traits such as starving, becoming panicked or afraid and will often put more energy into concealing extreme emotions rather then confronting or overcoming what is causing them. She wants to appear delicate. I truly believe because of this behavior alone she is, and does not have to try.

she is competitive, and turns everything into competition even if it is one sided. After learning that this does not stem from insecurity but rather her determination to be good at everything I find this endearing. she wants to be successful at things she invests into, and impress others who are also holding the same interests.

she loves compliments despite becoming an incoherent, flustered mess after receiving them. she does not know how to take them to heart and only a select few have been taken seriously by her.

She enjoys them not for the attention but for the insight it gives her on others perceptions of herself, something she lacks.

she wants friends, however does not seek them out. She does long for platonic companionship, however will not admit that to the one person she talks to, her partner.

She is hypersexual due to trauma, and will entertain the idea of it when she is being flirted with. she has a very small attraction to females, but would never pursue a relationship with one due to insecurities.

She misses her alter partner and often cries and becomes resentful to her main partner who does not allow him to front often. I find this selfish as the alter partner has become essential for her well being.

I documented these things because it is my main thoughts any time I am given space to sort them to the full extent. I believe my role is to help skye accept and come to understand our system.

[insidethecrack]

The Schizophrenic Linguistics : Squirrel

It’s the first time that I’m going to put all of this in words (and pictures). I don’t know if I must call this a “theory” or just “fucking random magic”. Today, I invite you to dive into one of my passions : linguistic. It’s one of the best science of the world, it’s the study of languages. And for a strange reason, linguistic was an important key of my life. Discovering the world of linguistic during my master’s degree litterally changed my life. It enabled me to do great progress in my social life, and above all, to improvie my understanding of how my mind works.

Today, I’m going to try to explain to you what connections my brain did... 

First of all, you may need the basics of linguistic. Let’s go back to the very beginning and ask Ferdinand de Saussure what is a language. “A language is a system of signs, a sign being the association of a mental image and a sound image.” It means that when I tell you the world “squirrel”, your mind can produce this kind of image :

The best part is that you don’t have to think. You will hear or read the word “squirrel” and your mind will propose you the right picture. Isn’t it fabulous ? I think it is. (but maybe it’s because squirrels are fabulous)(did I tell you that all these texts were collected in an anthology among others called “A squirrel on the driveway” ? didn’t pick that example randomly :D)

But squirrel is an easy word. If I say squirrel, we will all picture the same thing... more or less. A cute little animal eatings nuts, jumping from tree to tree, hidding during winter. The thing is, we won’t all picture the exact same squirrel. Maybe because some of us have never seen any real squirrels, or because we don’t live in the same part of the world and squirrels aren’t the same everywhere, or because we had a pet squirrel, or because our favorite animation character was a squirrel, etc. So, for a single simple word like “squirrel” we might end up with as many squirrels as people imagining them. (I know, that would be fucking awesome right ?) Lucky us, not picturing the same squirrel is not really an issue. It’s “just” a squirrel. (quotation marks are because squirrels are important !)

But what is going to happen if we’re not just talking about squirrels ? What if we’re talking about more abstract concepts ? Such as... love ? respect ? tolerance ? teaching ? schizophrenia ? helping ? good music ? beauty ? violence ?

Spoiler alert : the same thing is going to happen, we will have as many definition of love as squirrels as person imagining them. Same for respect and violence and good music and helping and beauty and etc. 

BUT even though we’re all picturing different squirrels, we all use the same word. That’s right, we all use the same word even though it has a different meaning to each of us. Anyway, we still have to use the same unique word to represent something tht might be very different from a person to another.

I remember the fight with Z., my very last roommate. She told me “respect is important”. According to her, I didn’t respect her because I use word like “fuck” “shit” (and the angrier I am, the more I use them). According to me, she didn’t respect me because she didn’t respect my boundaries. For her, respect was a matter of good speech, appearance. For me, it’s a matter of allowing everyone to live their life safely. It’s not a matter to say which one of us is right, because in a way, we both were. What you must remember is that to live together, you must agree on the meaning of a word. What squirrel will we agree to consider as THE Squirrel of reference ?

In a society that speaks a language, words are connoted. We fill the words with things that are beyond the word itself. For a lot of you, a squirrel is just a word/animal you know and that’s it. For some others, it’s your little companion every morning when you leave for work. For others, it’s a nuisance, just like rats, but in trees. For me, it’s the perfect metaphor for this article. Also my fetish animal (like squirrels, I forget where I hide my things). This is far more than just the word squirrel and the mental image of a squirrel. We filled the word. And once again, let me remind you : this is JUST the word squirrel. 

Let’s try something more complicated, let’s try love. In our occidental society, the image we have of love is pretty much paved. We all saw romantic comedy. We know the trick. We all read this article about how couples should fight, but not to much, but still. Or how jealousy is a proof of love (disclaimer : it’s not a matter of agreeing or not, we’re just discussing what society associates with the word love). We don’t even think about it... unless we fall in love with someone who don’t imagine love the same way as us. For example, when a friend with a very high sex-drive fell in love with a demisexual person, it was very hard. Especially since the other considered that a couple had to be exclusive, which was not the case for my friend. Lately, on twitter, I saw a lot of things about how cheating the other was unbearable and it makes me feel so weird that everyone is just ok with this rule like it’s gravity and not even try to consider other options. Not because they must do otherwise, but just because we live in a world which values monogamous heterosexual relationship. So we have this whole cheating = not loving, when in reality, it’s more complicated.

But here we are, filling the words with way more than what they were supposed to say. It’s not completely a bad thing. How tiring would that be if anytime we talk we have to define every single word. It would kill the first purpose of language right ? Right. 

And this is where the difference between neurotypical and neurodiverse appears. And this is where I stepped aside from what I read and start creating my own hypothesis. So please, don’t take this as an absolute truth, just as an observation I’m making which might be completely biaised.

For what I observed, neurotypical people fill the words without realising they’re doing it. They’re using the social meaning of words with no problem. For a neurotypical person, the mental image and the sound image are like that : 

The mental image and the sound image are intertwined together very tightly. So tightly that one can’t go without the other. So tightly that they can’t see what is between their two hands : the social connotation, theirs. 

But for neurodiverse person, and especially for schizophrenics, it looks more like this :

The connection between the mental image and the sound image is more fluctuant. It’s almost as if we had to build a bridge for each association. Which means we are way stricter about what a word says. A squirrel is a squirrel and love is love. If I picked a squirrel, even if it’s just for a metaphor (and an excuse for cute pictures), you can be sure it was not an innocent choice. If I choose a word, you can be sure I wanted THIS word. Which makes things easier. When I was talking with Z., she was confusing respect and politness, which are two very different things, they can go along, and they often do, but they still are very different things and you can have one without the other. If you understand that, talking with me will be really easy.

Except that I’m unable to understand all the social connotations. Well, I can, but not naturally, I have to learn them. It’s like when you’re learning a new language. You have what the textbook says, and you have what real people in the real word say. If you tried to learn a foreign language and speak with foreign people, you probably already got that feeling : your grammar is perfect, but you’re missing something. Well, schizophrenics have that feeling. All the time. Even in their first language. 

I’m a stranger in my own language. 

I’m convinced this is a very sweet torture coming right from hell. 

So, to sum up,  Neurotypical people have access to the social filling of words and naturally understand it BUT are not conscious of this social filling. Neurodiverse people are concious of this social filling and can spot the missunderstandings it causes BUT don’t have a natural access to it. It means neurotypical will fill the words, won’t realise they’re doing so BUT will expect you to understand his underlying meaning. While neurodiverse will miss this social filling, and therefore, not always properly understand what’s going and can occasionnaly “missbehave” because they won’t follow a code... they don’t even know is here. 

To speak in a more concrete way, and make you understand how common it is in our everyday life. Example 1 : ex-boyfriend lives on the other side of France. (well, at this moment we’re together, not ex, obviously) After living together during a whole year we’re experiencing long distance relationship. So one day, he asked me how I feel

me : I’m sad you’re so far away. him : well it’s not my fault.

What the social filling says in this case : you’re the one who went away, which means that’s why we are appart, so it’s your fault I’m sad. What I was saying : I’m sad because you’re so far away. To me, it wasn’t a matter of who’s fault it was. It didn’t even occur to me that he could be “guilty” of the situation. I was sad. And it was because the situation made us far from each other. End of discussion. But he heard that I was kind of blaming him for this. 

Example 2 : a friend was an au pair in Ireland during 6 months. She traveled a lot, took a lot of pictures, and met a lot of persons. When she was back, she had a lot of stories to tell. And you know I can’t resist a story... but pictures... well... most of the time, I don’t really care. So when she asked

“Do you want to see my pictures of Ireland ?”

I politely said that I was not interested in seing pictures because to me they all look quite the same. And I hurt her. Because what she heard was that I didn’t care about her and her travel and adventures. I think she didn’t even realise she was hurt, and even less why she was hurt. The worst part is : if she had asked “can I show my pictures of Ireland ?” I would have heard that what was important was that sharing the pictures was an important thing to her. It was more about her telling me about her trip with her own ways than pleasing me with some parts of it. And I’m terribly sorry I missed that, because I was deeply interested in her telling me about her adventures, however she wanted to do it. 

Example 3 : more random situations. But did you know that when people ask you “hey, what are you going to see at the cinema tonight ?” they’re not asking you what film you’re going to see, they’re asking what film AND if they can join. Same thing, if they tell you “are you interested by this movie ?” you must hear that they’re asking if you want to join them for this movie... Did you know ? Because I didn’t. This kind of thing happens almost everyday. In a form or another. 

I have to collect all these situations, analyze them, put them in a neurotypical - neurodiverse kind of dictionnary so I can understand people and be understood, and not hurt them and not being hurt. It’s a very exhausting thing to do. I have to spot context + saying to see the connection. And sometimes... I even have to ask friends to translate because I’m fucking lost. And you have no idea how many times I turned guy down without even knowing because I hadn’t realised they were hitting on me ! (and you have no idea because... well... me neither. As I said : I’m not conscious of any part of the process !)

These difference in language between neurotypical and neurodiverse is so deep, that sometimes, it’s easier to speak with my American schizophrenic friend, even if he has no clue about French and that cultural differences can get in the way, than with French people of my cultural background... 

I cannot hear a question which is not asked. And if you ask me something, you’d better be sure you want the answer. I cannot hear anything else than the words said, and I don’t say anything more than the words I say. This makes me sounds... cold... pretentious... unsympathetic... mean... most of the time. I’m the kind of person you must learn to know because you can’t get me at the first sight. It’s not a behaviour I take, it’s just that this relation to language creates a barrier between me and society. 

I’m a stranger in my own language. And you would never know because I master my first language in the best possible ways. It’s invisible. And it’s even more invisible that it touches the way we use words, and most people have no clue how they use words. So, how would they understand that I use them differently ?

This was the first realisation linguistic offered me. You may not realise what a liberation it was. All these situations are deeply painful. Because I KNOW for a fact my grammar is perfect... so it was terribly dreadful to be missunderstood so often. It didn’t solve the problem. But at least, it gave me perspective and a sense of what was to be fixed. Well, not fixed, just how I could make it better. I developped many strategies to communicate with neurotypical. I force them to clearly say what they really want to say... I rephrase what they said, I ask multiple questions to check with them. When I have to express my own feeling, I use a lot of analogies and metaphor, I try to connect these images to stuffs they know, so they can translate it in their own internal language. And I clearly say that I can’t understand implied stuffs (not before I really know them). I’m still seen as a cold person (which is terribly hurtful, because even if I can accept to be described as dark, I don’t recognise myself in “cold” -__-), because this is a very “intellectual” approch to people, and society says you’re supposed to let things happen naturally (dear society, nature forgot me, how am I supposed to do ?) and not say outloud everything. But I’m less often hurt. And more important, I hurt others less often. 

So this was the first article about the Schizophrenic Linguistics, I hope you found this interesting. It was the basics, but linguistic taught me many more... let me know if you want to hear about it ! 

[sailorgreywolf-legacy]

Legacy - Chapter 56

The pace was once again blistering, and Mexico felt emboldened by it. He preferred the steady beat of a march to waiting and plotting. Though he had experienced enough idle activity, this one felt like definite progress. There was only one goal now that Mexico had an army at his back and a firm plan on paper. He was going back to his capital for the first time since he had marched on it with Hidalgo, and this was different. He was marching to victory and he could feel it. It was a very welcome feeling after all the years of fighting.

He was pulling on the jacket that Iturbide had given him as a gift. With the proper tailoring, it looked perfect on him. He could credit Iturbide with having excellent taste. But, his mind was not on what he was wearing, it was on the question of Spain. They has advanced completely unopposed so far, but that only fed the feeling of foreboding. He knew Spain well enough to know that he would not give up, even when he knew he was outnumbered. Spain had to be planning something to stop the inexorable movement of the independence. Mexico wanted to be able to preempt it, but he knew the most important thing to do was to continue as he was. He had the larger army, and there was little Spain could do to stop him. And yet, his mind lingered, trying to imagine how Spain planned to stop him.

He heard a clearing of a throat behind him and he turned. Guerrero was standing in the doorway behind him, and he was a welcome sight. Mexico said, pretending to be coy, "What do you think?" The other smiled at him and stepped closer, and replied, "I don't approve of his gifts, but I will admit that he knows how to dress you." Mexico felt himself smile. He had expected the compliment, but he still enjoyed it. But, as he did, he saw the man's expressions slip. There was one of bitter unhappiness beneath it. Guerrero said, "I just-" He paused as he seemed to gather the proper words, and he said, "I don't imagine you like this."

He looked like he wanted to say something else, but he held himself back, and Mexico thought he understood what was left unspoken The class divide between them became more obvious when he dressed like this; there hadn't been anything that obvious before. But Mexico wanted to dismiss it because nothing was different between them. He said, "I haven't seen myself like this since this war started." Guerrero's eyes raked over him one more time, and the look in them was difficult to gauge. But, then he said, "There are some people I want you to meet."

Mexico nodded, he suspected that these were the rebel leaders that his general had sent letters to so urgently. He was intrigued, as he had only spent his time with the highest leadership. The others did not know about his existence, but they had fought for him in theory. He met Guerrero's dark eyes and said, "I would be glad to." He felt a smile slip through his composure. He was glad to see it returned on the other's face.

Mexico took a step, and with an easy familiarity, Guerrero fell in step with him. As they walked, Mexico adjusted his cuffs once more and asked, "Have you told them about me?" Guerrero looked at him questioningly and Mexico elaborated, "Have you told them who I am?" It was important to establish this before they met. Mexico needed to know if he should present himself as a country or just another officer. Guerrero responded, with confidence in his voice again now that he understood the question, "Yes, I told them that you are our country. You don't have to pretend." Since the question came to mind, Mexico said, "How did you explain it to them?" The other said, "The same way Jose explained it to me: That you are the immortal embodiment of the country. You are here with us because you want to be free."

Mexico nodded, it was a good enough explanation, and it invited very few questions. But, the thought occurred to him that he had never actually talked about himself to Guerrero or invited him to ask questions. Surely his existence was puzzling to mortals, and there must be far more that Guerrero wanted to ask him. He asked, genuinely curious, "And you never questioned that?" The mortal scoffed, "Of course I have questions. But, I suppose, I assumed you would tell me as they come up."

Mexico was surprised by how much respect this showed. Guerrero had not pried with the expectation that he would explain eventually. Mexico was touched. He said, with the lightest tone he could muster, "You can ask me anything you want. Later, of course." He caught a small smile from the mortal, which assured him that Guerrero would take him up on that offer later in the day.

They turned a corner and the mortal opened the door for him. Mexico stepped into a room where two other men who he did not recognize. They had been talking to each other, but they fell silent when Mexico walked into the room, followed by Guerrero. They both looked at him with a kind of curiosity, but it was restrained and respectful. Mexico decided not to make the first move, Guerrero had promised to introduce him to these men. So, he held back until his general started speaking.

As he expected Guerrero said, "This is Commander Guadalupe Victoria. He has been in command of our forces in Veracruz." He gestured to the trim slightly rakish man on the right, who gave Mexico a smile that was both undeniably charming and undeniably handsome. There was something rugged about him that Mexico couldn't quite explain to himself. He was also struck by the fact that the name was definitely not his birth name. He was intriguing, but he was not the only one in the room.

Guerrero continued, "This is Nicolas Bravo. He has been imprisoned until recently." This man struck Mexico as more subdued, but by no means timid. He could see that these were men who had faced the brunt of the war as fully as he had, and he felt a pang of regret that he had not met either of them earlier. Guerrero continued, "And this is Mexico."

Mexico nodded in acknowledgement. He was holding himself at a distance, even though he had no reason to distrust these men. He throughly expected for interactions to be formal, as this was their first meeting. But, Victoria stepped forward and enthusiastically extended his hand to Mexico, and said, "I have been looking forward to meeting you since I got the letter." Mexico took his hand and was surpirsed by how firm the other's grip was. His composure cracked and he smiled and said, "I am grateful for what you have done." He turned to the other man in the room, and added, "I realize that neither of you fought for me as a person, but I am grateful all the same."

He could feel Guerrero's eyes on him, but he could only guess why. Victoria's smile did not falter, he finally released Mexico's hand and said, "Don't be modest. The general was quite detailed about your own accomplishments. You have not waited for us to win freedom for you." Mexico felt something like a blush take to his cheeks at the fact that Guerrero had written such a glowing letter that these men would already hold him in high esteem. The other, who had been relatively quiet, stepped forward and said, "I am glad to finally have the chance to meet you. I have been waiting patiently for the chance at freedom."

Mexico could sense a fire simmering underneath the surface of the man's calm. He was not surprised that these were the men that had refused to accept a pardon and continued to fight. For all their variety, the tenacity and the passion had to be the same. And yet, he felt a distance from the newcomers, since Guerrero had been there personally with him through the hardest part of the independence. He was still distinctly aware of the fact that Guerrero was standing next to him, and he was tempted to turn and look at him, but he maintained his composure. He noticed as Victoria's expression slipped for a moment and he said, "As much freedom can be gained with a royalist in charge."

It was a slip in the carefully constructed formal atmosphere, and social niceties dictated that it should be ignored. Mexico did note it, even if he did not respond to it. He expected that tempers would run high when it came to Iturbide, but he had not expected it to happen so soon. Sensing the tension, Guerrero stepped in and said, "We need to organize our troops, but I hope that we will all be able to talk more tonight."

It was more artful than Mexico had expected; this time he did turn and look at Guerrero. He was learning so quickly and getting surprisingly good at politics. Pride welled up in his chest and he had to put concious thought into not smiling. With a few more formal promises concerning the night, Guerrero made his exit and Mexico followed him.

As soon as they were out of earshot, Mexico said, "They are both republicans, aren't they?" He knew the answer already, but he wanted to hear it. He heard the resignation in Guerrero's voice as he said, "I do not blame them for their frustration. Jose gave us all the hope of a republic with his declaration and we all gave our support to that. Iturbide is a difficult compromise and none of them are keen to accept him. I suspect they blame me for choosing to negotiate with him."

Mexico was somewhat surprised that they did not know that he had pushed for the alliance with Iturbide. It appeared that Guerrero had omitted details to shield Mexico's reputation. In return Mexico said, "There wasn't a choice, we either negotiated with him or let him win. We both know that." Guerrero nodded in agreement, "I have explained that, but I understand why they are not happy. They have agreed to bring their men to our army, and that is enough."

Mexico was about to retort and insist that no one had the right to blame him for doing what was necessary, the other changed the subject, "You don't mind spending your night with me instead of Iturbide, do you? Those two deserve the chance to get to know you. If anything can remind them what we are actually fighting for, it is meeting you."

Mexico smirked, and wondered privately if this had been the goal all along. Bringing in other insurgent leaders had given him an excuse to divert Mexico's attention away from Iturbide. But, he didn't mind the cunning. There was also no harm in escaping Iturbide's strange magnetism. He replied with a smirk, "I'm sure Iturbide can stand to be deprived of my presence for a night."

He saw a question struggle behind Guerrero's eyes for a moment, but it stayed in his mind. But Mexico could guess at it because it was the same question that the man had stopped asking over the past couple weeks. Guerrero wanted to know what Mexico spent time talking to Iturbide about. Mexico had been as forthcoming as possible, but he had kept the way in which Iturbide had consistently hinted at the power and prestige that Mexico could have as an empire, but never in such a way that it was an explicit statement. It always took the guise of flattery about how powerful and strong Mexico could be if he took up his mother's mantle of empire. It had all created a concept that had not left his mind, and had pushed aside his enthusiasm about the idea of being a republic.

But, Mexico would not reveal any of this to Guerrero because it was not anything concrete. It seemed petty to say that Iturbide was just flattering him with an idea that was antithetical to Guerrero's ambitions. Instead, Mexico said, "I look forward to it anyway. I would like to get to know the others who have fought for me." Guerrero nodded as well, and then he said, a smile spreading across his face, "I'm glad that I am one of the people who has been able to see you get your freedom. Nothing can keep you from it now." Mexico smiled and said, "I am glad that it is so close." He thought for a moment to add the caveat that had been on his mind before, but he didn't bring the question of Spain up. For now, it was enough to be close to liberation and to have such exceptional support.

The day passed into night in the same repetitiveness as the past few weeks, progress was slow, but certain. However, the change in company provided Mexico with an interesting opportunity for the night. He found himself sitting next to Guerrero, who had spent the day by his side. After all the time they had spent together, Mexico felt far more comfortable with the man there. The layer of formality that had been present before disappeared as the night went on and Mexico found himself more comfortable.

Victoria leaned forward and said, a manic gleam in his eye, "I was this close to getting to the viceroy." The burning passion that the man had shown before was almost blinding now. Mexico found a fascination in it; he could sit here forever and listen to his story. Victoria had a polished quality to his speach that seemed to indicate intelligence rather than pretension. Mexico could tell that he was not the only one enthralled. In total, there were five people at the table, including a Colonel that Bravo had introduced as Manuel de Mier y Teran, and everyone had been silent as Victoria recounted his conquests. The man continued speaking, "I attacked his convoy and he managed to slip away like the Spanish coward that he is."

Bravo spoke, and his manner was no more restrained, "Wouldn't that have been something. Then we would have no need to be negotiating with someone like Iturbide." Guerrero's voice was intentionally calm when he countered, "But we have to now. He has decided to declare in favor of independence, and he brings so much creole support with him."

Mexico watched the faces of all the others very carefully, trying to judge their reaction. It was not wholly negative, he could detect that they all understood that this was necessary. But, Victoria retorted, "I did not refuse a pardon and face loyalist persecution to put my trust in one of them." He met Guerrero's eyes and his look was a challenge. The other took it and said, "I am not asking that you trust him. I have only trusted him so far as I need to. I wrote to you because I was hoping you would be able to bolster my position against him."

When the other man opened his mouth to respond, Mexico cut in, feeling that he should back up his general, "I don't doubt that you all would have chosen a republic over the solution that Iturbide offers. But, we must face what we have risked and what we have lost and take this chance to have peace and freedom." Mexico could feel that all the eyes were on him, but he was comfortable in his position. He was trying to mediate any anger that might be directed at Guerrero for his decision to bring Iturbide to their side.

Victoria's expression shifted as he let out a sigh and said, "I am here to show my support for the plan, but I think that we can do better." He looked directly at Mexico and continued, "I do wish sincerely for your freedom, and I will not create more conflict that will impede that. But, I want it to be perfectly clear that this is not my ideal solution." Seeing the opportunity to delve further into Victoria's stance, Mexico parried, "What would your ideal solution be?" He caught a glimmer of renewed interested as Victoria said, "If you want to know, my position has never changed and I still favor a republic. If there is to be a leader, then it should be one of us. We have fought and sacrificed for it."

Mexico nodded, more to himself than to anyone else. He understood the reasons for it, but he couldn't stop the thought that it would never be possible. It had been Morelos's dream, and if he was still alive it may have been possible. But, given the necessity of compromise, it would only alienate Iturbide. Victoria had apparently not yet finished, and he said, "But I do fear that we are welcoming Cesar into our ranks."

The allusion was interesting and Mexico guessed that it came from an education. He was more than familiar enough with the classics to respond, "Well, I hope that this does not end with his blood on the Senate floor."

The words passed his lips easily as banter, but as soon as he said it, a chill shot down his spine. He couldn't help but feel that there was something horribly prophetic about the statement, though he did not want to imagine why. It implied that this entire bid for independence would collapse, and he could not face that idea. It was not comforting when Bravo cut in and said, "We should remember that we have popular support, and if Iturbide takes the wrong step and endangers the liberty we have fought for we can fight again. Our support is conditional, and we are not granting him the ability to do as he pleases."

This statement caused another unpleasant chill to pass over Mexico's skin. He suspected that Iturbide was planning to do exactly that, and he felt a jolt of fear at the thought that chaos could ensue if Iturbide took a step in a more monarchist direction. Mexico glanced at Guerrero, who was sitting next to him, and was disappointed to see the man nod and agree, "I have negotiated a representative government with him, but if he does not respect that, I will move against him."

If it were just the two of them, Mexico would have objected, but given present company he decided to just let it play out. But, an unbidden part of his mind noted that if Guerrero was doing what was best for him, then it would occur to him that stability would be better than ideals. But, Mexico kept the thought to himself, and tried not to dwell on it. Agreement went around the table and Mexico felt himself withdraw from the conversation.

He listened as the topic switched from the serious matter of politics to trading war stories. Mexico responded only when he needed to, and was careful to offer his encouragement when needed, but it hardly felt sincere. He was still thinking about the possibility that Iturbide's offer of empire was sincere and that it would bring immediate backlash. He was hardly paying attention when Victoria abruptly stood and said, "I am sorry to deprive you all of my company, but it is getting late and I need to be well rested for the days ahead."

Mexico watched him leave and tried to sort his feelings about the man. He could not deny that the man was intelligent and charismatic. His stories of the war spoke to his courage and conviction, which were invaluable traits. And yet, he did not seem particularly amendable to pragmatism. That could be a problem creating a lasting solution, since Victoria could likely bring so much support to his side easily. It would be even more decisive if Guerrero chose to join him. Mexico didn't like the idea of having to consider his general and dear friend an impediment, but he couldn't afford to underestimate the pull he might have as an opposition figure.

A light touch on his arm broke Mexico out of his train of thought. He turned to Guerrero, who had touched him to get his attention. Mexico realized that they were alone in the room; he hadn't realized how deeply he had descended into his own thoughts spurred on by the thought of doing all he could to avoid being in a position where he was weak enough for Spain to threaten him.

He turned to Guerrero and was about to speak, but the other spoke first, "Are you alright?" Mexico forced himself to smile, though he was unsettled, "I am fine." The look on Guerrero's face was one of disbelief, and when he replied, he said, "You haven't been-" He paused while he searched for a word, and finally settled on, "You haven't been yourself."

Mexico was slightly surprised that Guerrero had noticed while being engaged in the conversation. But, he couldn't admit to what he had been thinking, since he had doubting Guerrero. So, he summoned his best composure, and replied, "I was listening, but I didn't want to interfere." Guerrero's eyes were no less concerned when he said, "If something is wrong, I want to know. I've almost lost you once, I refuse to do it again."

Mexico considered for a moment that he could be completely honest with his feelings. But that would require saying everything that he knew about Iturbide, and he couldn't do that. Instead, he said, "I do not want more war when I am independent. If we continue to fight over every ideological difference, it will never end." Guerrero said, seemingly relieved that he had finally found the source of Mexico's unhappiness, "I do not want that either. I truly do not." He turned and took one of Mexico's hands in his own and then added, "But I will not let Iturbide do anything that will hurt you. I will not stand down if he tries to use you for his own gain." Mexico nodded, but the conversation had done very little to settle his unease. He decided that, for the moment, he could treat it as a hypothetical situation. Everyone agreed on the current plan, and conflict would only come from deviation. For his own sake, he had to hope that the current plan would come to fruition.

"I knew the progress would not go unchallenged. Eventually, Tony had to face me." Mexico had paused in the middle of telling his story. He was facing away from America and it was hard to tell what his expression was. But, there was a hard edge in his voice as he continued, "I should have known he would be vicious. But, I hadn't seen him for over ten years and I had let myself forget exactly how cruel Tony could be."

America heard Mexico take a deep breath to try to calm himself and he was worried about what was coming next in the story. It seemed that thus far when Mexico got this worked up before he spoke, it was because something terrible was going to happen. But, America dared not say anything. He knew that Mexico would continue more quickly if he didn't ask any questions at all. And as he expected, Mexico continued without paying him much mind, "We had a few small battles along the way, but the army was so big and popular that there was very little resistance. We were closing in on the capital when we finally met a sizable force, and Tony was with them. I hadn't seen him since the first year of my rebellion. I wasn't certain what to expect."

The scouts had reported that this was the biggest force they had faced and it was directly between them and the capital, and Mexico looked from Guerrero to Iturbide, waiting for one of them to speak. Iturbide was the first to do so, with a smirk appearing on his face, "This is the final challenge. If we defeat this one, there will be nothing between us and entering the capital in triumph."

Guerrero nodded, though his agreement seemed less than enthusiastic. He turned to Mexico and said, "We'll need a strategy, even though I'm sure you would love to dispatch them as quickly as possible." Mexico felt himself smile at the wit. He was eager to return to his own home in the capital after being gone for so long, but he knew that rushing would only put the cause in jeopardy. He needed to carefully proceed so that he could finally have a victory and a lasting one. He told himself that after all these years of fighting, waiting only a little while longer would be worth it to not make the mistakes that he did earlier in the war.

Iturbide replied, "But, it is a victory that we are this close and outnumber them." Mexico detected a slight twitch of unhappiness in Guerrero's face at the casual use of the word "we", but he made no comment on it. Instead, he stayed on the topic, "It is a victory and there is much that we can hope for from here. But, it is better to not look past the battle."

There was another knock on the door, and Mexico expected that it was another scout reporting on the enemy troop movements. Iturbide motioned for the man by the door to open it. The mortal who stepped in was carrying a letter, and he immediately looked around and said, "Commander Carriedo instructed me to give this to the rebel commander."

The sound of the name made Mexico draw in a sharp breath. It was not the first time that Spain had sent him a letter, but this felt like the moment he had been expecting. He knew that he could not avoid coming face to face with Spain. Iturbide stood and took the letter from the man and then turned it over several times. He ran his thumb over the wax seal, but did not yet break it. He looked at Mexico and said, "So, it's from him. He's finally leading an army himself." Mexico nodded and said, clasping his hands together, "He was going to do it eventually. If he wants to have a chance to stop me, he has to do this now."

He took a deep breath and said, "But it is too late, and I am looking forward to finally forcing him to defend his empire." Guerrero said, sharply, "Is this Spain?" Mexico turned to him and said, "Yes, apparently he has finally tired of sending threatening letters from a distance." The other replied, "He once threatened to humiliate me on the battlefield, I wonder if he can."

Mexico felt a pang of concern; he thought back on the first time he had fought Spain and how he had been defeated. He thought momentarily of Guerrero facing Spain himself and the possibility that the centuries of practice would tip the scale. But, Mexico shook off the thought; no one would face Spain except for him. He needed to do it personally and show that he had learned since he had impulsively fought Spain before.

He replied to Guerrero, "It seems that we will be testing that soon." Iturbide had broken the seal on the letter and read it while they were talking and he said, "Perhaps not. He is suggesting that we meet to speak. He promises that it is under the banner of truce."

Mexico scoffed, he had not expected that. After the vitriol that he had seen in the letters from Spain, he had never expected any compromise. He suspected that even if the temporary truce was sincere, Spain had some trick. There was absolutely no possibility that Spain had reconciled himself to losing his most valuable colony. He voiced the thought, "I don't know what he wants, but this is not an offer of peace." Iturbide replied as he folded the letter carefully, "I agree with you, but we cannot afford to give up a chance." Guerrero responded, looking at Mexico instead of Iturbide, "I agree that we should take the chance. If he offers nothing of substance, then we will attack."

Mexico contemplated for a moment, waiting for the feeling of dread or foreboding to come over him, but it did not. It didn't convince him that there was anything to be gained from talking to Spain, but at least the truce seemed genuine. He said, "Then we should write back to Antonio and let him know that we accept his offer."

The reply came within the hour and the meeting was set by the afternoon, and Mexico was dwelling on what it would be like to face his colonizer again. He had not expected or wanted it to be this way; he wanted to face Spain on the battlefield where he could cut him down without complications. Conversation would open him up to facing feelings he had not dealt with in years. He longed to feel nothing but hate for Spain, but he knew that it was far more complicated than that.

As the hour drew nearer, he paced and almost rhythmically pulled his sword from its sheath and pushed it back in. Strictly speaking, he should not have brought a sword to a meeting with a declaration of truce, but he did not trust Spain and would not let himself be parted from his weapons. His mind was on what Spain could say or do and he hated that he was not certain. When he had first rebelled, he would be able to predict exactly what Spain would do, but now it was not as clear.

He suspected that this strange temporary truce was to meet his opponents in person and size them up, and nothing more. But even that seemed unnecessary. Mexico could think of nothing that Spain could gain from this, and that thought unnerved him. He didn't like approaching Spain with no idea of what was going to happen; it brought on an old childish fear. He was trying to calm himself with the physical feeling, but it was hardly working.

Guerrero opened his door and paused when he saw Mexico pacing. He knew him well enough to know that this was a sign that he was upset. He said, "Ale, are you ready?" Mexico stopped in his tracks and looked at his general. He said, voicing only one of the anxieties he had been dwelling on, "Promise me that you won't believe anything he says." Guerrero immediately said, "What?" Mexico thought it was apparent, but he explained anyway, "Tony doesn't know anything about me, but he thinks he does. I have no idea what he is going to say, but I don't want you to believe it."

It was one of the thoughts that had occurred to him more than once: Spain might want this opportunity to undermine Mexico in front of his generals by revealing what he knew. Most of it could not be true because what Spain believed was based on a lie, but it could be damaging nonetheless. But Guerrero reached out and placed his hand calmly on Mexico's dominant hand, which was still firmly on the hilt of his sword. The mortal spoke and his voice was soothing, "Why would I ever believe him over you? I am prepared to meet an imperialist who is probably going to disregard me."

Mexico nodded and swallowed the rest of his objections. After this long, he had no reason to fear Spain. Even if he had wanted it to be simpler, there was nothing that Spain could say to him that would make him forsake his independence. He took a deep breath to calm himself and said, "Then I am ready."

The room was well lit, and there was a table between the parties, though there was nothing on it. Mexico was glad for it; it would prevent either of them from doing anything physical. Spain was on the other side of the room with two mortals flanking him, but Mexico suspected that the men were only there as backup in case this meeting should turn violent. Mexico had both of his commanders at his side, and he could feel their presence conspicuously; it was comforting. He could have sworn that Guerrero was standing closer than Iturbide was. The old habit of protecting him seemed to have come to the surface again.

Mexico stopped on one side of the table and fixed his eyes directly on Spain. The other country's gaze raked over him, and Mexico felt a familiar discomfort. It felt like Spain could see straight through his clothing and the hunger in his eyes made Mexico's skin crawl. He could feel the ghosts of touches on his skin as Spain looked at him. Mexico drew in a sharp breath and braced himself.

He refused to be the first to speak, if Spain wanted this encounter, then he would have to start it. Spain smirked and said, "I have missed you, Alejandro." His tone was unpleasantly familiar, and Mexico recognized it as the tone Spain always used when they were alone together. It was horribly disconcerting to hear it when they were surrounded by other people. He replied, "And I was hoping to never see you again."

Spain grimaced, and for a moment Mexico hoped that he had hurt the man with the barb. But, that hope was crushed when Spain said, his disdain dripping from his voice, "You have developed the most provincial accent." Mexico smirked, he liked the idea that he had broken one of the mannerisms Spain had carefully taught him. But, this seemed tame compared to what he was expecting.

Spain changed the subject without waiting for Mexico to respond, "I wanted to talk to you alone, but I knew that these two would never let you out of their sight. Surely we don't need the traitor and the half-breed here." Mexico heard the sharp intake of breath to his right and he knew exactly why. But, he couldn't take his attention off of his enemy. Mexico said, barely restraining himself, "They don't trust you for good reason." Spain scoffed, "If I wanted to hurt you, I wouldn't have asked to meet. I want to talk to you and no one else."

Mexico understood all of this suddenly, it had been to isolate him and influence him alone. It was underhanded, though Mexico was certain that he could easily resist Spain. But, he didn't get the chance to respond, because Guerrero growled, "This isn't about what you want." Mexico saw the Spaniards expression changed, darkened by a jealousy blacker than anything Mexico had seen before. He turned decisively towards the man he clearly thought of as his rival, "Oh, this one likes you. Do you really know him as well as you think?"

He turned back to Mexico with a smile that spoke of feigned curiosity, "Have you told him about us?" Spain's tone made Mexico suspect that he already knew the answer, and guessed at exactly why. Mexico tried to deflect the question, because it was not something he wanted to discuss and it would only undermine Guerrero's confidence in him to hear the lies that had always been present in the court, "It is not relevant to this conversation." Spain immediately responded, "So you have not?"

Mexico refused to dignify the question with a response. He glared at the Spaniard and tried not to imagine what lies Spain was alluding to, though he already was certain that it would be at best an exaggeration of their relationship. Spain continued, shifting his gaze back to Guerrero, "Well, then I will tell you. You may be occupying it for the time, but it is still my land."

Mexico understood what he was saying under the surface of the metaphor, and he was disgusted by being refered to as nothing more than property. He was about to speak, but Guerrero was faster, "It won't be your land for much longer. Have you noticed that you are losing the war?"

Mexico could almost sense that Guerrero was leaning closer to him, and if he could, he would probably have drawn a weapon by now. Mexico could hear that the mortal was barely restraining himself. But, Spain hardly seemed fazed, "You do not worry me. You are a curiosity and Ale gets bored of his toys eventually." Iturbide finally spoke, "Is there a diplomatic reason for this or did you just want a chance to vent your bile?"

Spain dismissed him quickly with a wave of his hand and saying, "Quiet, traitor. This isn't about you." He then turned his gaze back to Guerrero and continued in the same patronizing tone, "He is already moving on, so you must not be that interesting. He's found another already." He looked back at Iturbide and his meaning could not have been clearer. Mexico said, barely keeping his anger out of his voice, "Do not presume that you know anything about it."

The smirk that appeared on Spain's face made Mexico''s skin crawl again. He did not want to hear what was coming, but he could not stop the other from speaking. Spain leaned forward and Mexico could feel Guerrero shift uncomfortably beside him. The Spaniard's voice had a sickening level of smugness to it as he said, "If I am not right, then why is everything you're wearing new?" He paused for only a moment before adding with a scoff, "I paid better."

Mexico could feel his temper boiling, but he had to remain calm enough to not draw his longed to leap over the table and fight Spain, but he could not. He tried not to visibly react and instead turned the conversation back in his favor, "How much longer are you going to insult me before you offer me your surrender?"

He knew that it was unlikely that Spain had any intention of doing anything but undermining him, but the comment put Spain back on the defensive. Mexico refused to let Spain forget that he was outnumbered and losing. He refused to let Spain have power over him again or to let Spain shame him for the progress he had made. Spain shook his head as he spoke, "My dear boy, I have no intention of surrendering. I am giving you the last chance to give yourself up."

Mexico let out a laugh at the delusion of the statement. He could not believe that Spain really thought that there was any chance of victory. He could see the way Spain's expression hardened at the idea that his colony would laugh at him. That in itself was deeply satisfying. Mexico finally said, "You have lost and you expect me to surrender out of pity? Or can you really not face it? You only have the capital and Veracruz, unless am I mistaken." He turned to Iturbide in a theatrical gesture, "Have we lost territory that I am not aware of?" Iturbide, catching on to his act, replied, "No, we still hold all of the country with the exception of the capital and Veracruz."

Mexico turned with a triumphant smirk to Spain, "So, what reason would I have to surrender?" Spain replied with what sounded like a carefully planned response, "You don't know what I have protected you from. If you win, the most powerful empire will take you, if I don't take you back. You will fail at the first challenge and be subject to whoever takes the opportunity. I am a kinder master."

Mexico put his hands on the table and leaned forward, "You were never kind. I would rather take my chances with anyone else than go back to you." Spain replied, mirroring Mexico's movements so they were the closest they had been the whole encounter, "You were never innocent. Pretend that you never asked for it, but you enjoyed my attentions."

Mexico pulled away, taking a step towards Guerrero. He saw the conquistador in Spain's eyes, but he no longer cared. The man was weak and desperate, and Mexico refused to fear him. He smiled at Spain and said, "Goodbye, Tony. I will see you on the battlefield, if you have the courage to face me." He then walked away, turning his back on his old colonizer. He felt Guerrero touch him breifly on the shoulder and he turned to the man who was looking at him with a pride that made his heart jump. He heard Spain yell at his back, "You're making a big mistake, boy. You will always be selfish and reckless and you will never succeed on your own!"

That night, Mexico actually felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders; he had confronted his monster and come out of it with his support intact. Though Spain had been cruel to him, and the second to last remark had remained present in his mind. Had Spain really believed that he enjoyed his advances? It was hard to imagine what level of self delusion would lead Spain to believe that his affection had been reciprocated.

Mexico was in his room slowly taking off his weapons and laying them aside. He knew that he would need them soon, since Spain would have to take his bait and fight him. If not, he would effectively be forfeiting the war. Mexico hoped that now he had fought in battle after battle, he had the experience and skill to finally beat Spain when they fought. There was a knock on his door that he was not expecting, and he was immediately intrigued. Surely nothing required his attention for the night. It was unlikely that Spain would make a move this quickly; Mexico knew him well enough to know that the shock of being rejected would keep Spain at bay for a time.

He went to the door, and opened it to find Iturbide standing there, still wearing his uniform. Mexico said, "Agustin, is something wrong?" The mortal met his eyes and the look on his face was one that Mexico had never seen before. There wasn't the usual smooth confidence in his voice when Iturbide said, "May I talk to you?" There was a thickness in his voice that touched Mexico, and he immediately said, "Of course."

He stepped out of the way so that Iturbide could step into the room. As soon as Mexico closed the door, Iturbide said, "I am sorry that I did not say more today. I was shocked." This seemed incredibly unusual to Mexico that the man would apologize. But, he did not blame the mortal for his silence; he had been the target of Spain's rage and had not expected the others to fight his battle for him. He replied, "I do not blame you; I did not need you to say anything."

But Iturbide shook his head and continued speaking, "I did not expect that. I did not think Spain would act that way. From the way that he spoke about you before, I thought that he at least respected you. But I can see how wrong I am now."

The confession was so honest that Mexico paused for a moment and realized that Guerrero could not be right, a man who was only in this movement for his own gain could not make a confession this raw. But, Mexico still could understand the first impression. Spain was a very different man when he was trying to be charming. Mexico tried to explain what he had learned through hundreds of years of colonialism, "He has two faces, and I know them both well. When he is in control, he will be very flattering. And perhaps he was being more honest with you then. But I rejected his authority and nothing makes him angrier than that."

Iturbide let out a sigh and looked like he was struggling to express what he was feeling. After a few minutes of silence while the mortal wrung his hands, Iturbide finally said, "I have been thinking about how I fought to bring you back to him. I could have given you over to a man who treats you like that." The guilt of this thought was clearly gnawing at him. In this moment, Mexico felt like he was seeing the core of the man more clearly. He felt like he could see how much Iturbide cared about him.

He said, trying the assuage the guilt, "There is no use in looking backwards. You are here now and it is thanks to you that I am this close to independence." He looked Iturbide in the eyes and attempted to convey his sincerity. But Iturbide shifted uncomfortably and said, "I need your forgiveness for my actions. I cannot sleep without it." He met Mexico's eyes again and said, "I have only ever done what I thought was best for my country. I didn't want to hurt you."

Mexico took a deep breath and replied, using the words that immediately occurred to him, "I do forgive you, and I would not have accepted your offers of friendship if I did not think you were sincere. Do not waste time on this, because Antonio will make another attempt to end this war and we need to be ready for it." The other nodded and then smiled in a way that was familiar, "Thank you for that. Good night, Alejandro."

[caemec]

The proposal - Armin

Sometimes, Candy really didn’t understand her boyfriend. They were together since more than seven years now, and still at the same situation than the first day. Well, not exactly, maybe she was a little over dramatic. 

He was now living in his own apartment, became a quite influential youtuber, while she had finally reached her last year of study, and lived in the student district in collocation with Alexy and Priya. They met each other family since years, and all those basic couple stuffs. But Candy was more than ready to make a new step — a big one. The problem was, Armin still didn’t propose anything. Even speaking about it seemed prohibited. 

It was why, after her last class of the day, when she came home, she literally jumped on a disconcerted Alexy. She needed to know everything he knew. Without further delay. 

Did his twin planned something ? Did he tell him he wasn’t ready for that ? Or maybe he said he didn’t even want to marry her at all ? Could he maybe chea... 

“STOP.” She froze while Alexy sighed with dismay. “Candy, just, stop, please. It is nothing like that. And he doesn’t cheat on you. He never did.” 

He made her wait the time to put her on the couch and serve her a glass of water. His best friend could be a veritable ordeal when she decided it.  

“You can breathe. Girl, of course Armin already thought to you and him as wife and husband. Well, maybe not in the classic way, but wathever, you know in what you are stepped.”  

“He... Seriously ?” She blinked with consternation and relief. Before frowning as she was thinking about the reason he still didn’t propose yet. “But if... Why... It doesn’t make sense...”

“I know, for me neither. He has a particular logic. In fact, I never saw him so serious and concerned by anything else. Like, you are still a student, with your thesis he thinks it’s not the time to bother you” Candy raised an eyebrow at this senseless argument — how could his proposal bother her ? — “you don’t live together yet and he believes it is a strict condition for you, and everything like that.”

She could pratically be hurt. Since when Armin forgot who she was ? Right, she wasn’t so free and glib than him — who could ? — but they already lived so many unbelievable stories together, essentially because they were both adventurers. They were sort of jack-of-all-trades. Compared to those moments, what was an engagement ? 

However, the answer was simple : if for her, it was a logical suite to their couple, for Armin, who traditionally had to propose — since he was the man, and she was the woman — it was so much more. They never spoke about marriage, and he maybe took it as a sign she didn’t want it. Of course, in this condition, he had all the right to felt insecure and anxious. In fact, Armin was maybe purely and simply afraid she could reject him. The same feeling she had because he didn’t propose anything. They had a little bit of a tag team. 

“Well, I’m not agree. Honestly, I’m more than ready, and if he is too, well, we will not wait like that until the end of the world.”

“Do you want me to speak to him, and give him all the signs he needs ?”

“No. If that moron continue to doubt like that, there is only one solution. Come on, take your jacket, we have a shopping to do.”

“What the... Candy !”

“I’m gonna cry. Really.”

“Don’t, or I will begin too.”

“It’s the most beautiful day of my life. My brother will finally have what he wants, and my best friend will also become my sis'. I can die in peace.”

In front of them, the jeweller had all the difficulties to keep his smile for himself. It wasn’t every day he had the occasion to help a woman who needed an engagement ring for her boyfriend — unfortunately, about that subject, traditions were still a little to much anchored in their society. It was quite a hard choice, by the way — and the twin’s lucky guy didn’t really help. 

Once they were out of the shop, Candy took her phone and called her boyfriend to fix a date.  

“Hey princess, what’s up ?”

As soon as she heard his voice, Candy knew she was doing the right thing. More than ever.  

He was late. Of course he was, until evidence to the contrary, he was still Armin. It was too perfect until now. 

She was alone on the bench, and she just started to realize what she was doing. Oh god. How did men manage to do that, honestly ? She was fighting against herself to stay concious. Candy remembered those meditation stuffs her father tried to teach her, and closed her eyes, trying to relieve her anxiety.

“Is it for a yoga class you asked me to come ?” 

She flinched and opened big eyes. Armin was just in front of her, totally amused by the situation.

“Oh god.” 

His smirk grew up. He raised an eyebrow before giving his hand to lead her into a walk.

“No, it’s just me. But thanks for the compliment. I will remind you next time we argue.” 

She was so nervous that she couldn’t even get in his game. He certainly saw it, because he started to caress her wrist — with time, he learned how much that simple gesture had a relaxing power on her. 

“You know, you’re really pretty like that. In which occasion ?” 

No. Could he know ? Did Alexy... ? No, no, no. He wouldn’t.

“Usually, when the boyfriend says something like that, the girlfriend answers by “oh Armin, on you, it would be even much better! You’re so handsome!”. But I understand if you don’t want to admit it.” 

As she was still froze, he straightened her head with a finger and gently smiled at his apparently anxious and distracted girlfriend.

“If you told me what kind of thoughts are inside your pretty head right now, it would be easier, don’t you think ?” 

That was exactly at this moment she remembered why she was just so eager to marry him. A lot of jokes and sometimes sarcasms, but always with respect and kindness. Even his little smirk he practically always had on his lips showed how attentive to her he was.  

Armin was Armin. Maybe not totally perfect, but enough to make her fall in love with him day after day.

“Still nothing ? Well in that case, let me relax you first. Dare or truth ?”

“Wha... Armin, seriously ?”

“Dare or truth ?” He replied, and she couldn’t keep a little laugh he took for a victory. 

“Dare.” 

Just because Candy was absolutely not ready to make her proposal right now, and because of course he would ask her if she choose the other option.

“Mimic me what’s in your head.” ... Oh. OH. 

She was officially trapped right now. This little...

His eyes expressed his pride, and she knew she already loose his game. If she postponed it to tomorrow, she would be exactly in the same condition. She always would, with him around her. That was one of the effects he had on her. 

That’s why she looked at him in the eyes, took his hand, before kneeling in front of him. People all around suddenly stoped, but she was focus on her boyfriend right now. His eyebrows were frowning, and he really looked like he tried to understand why the hell she was almost sitting on the floor. So, she just took the ring in her pocket. 

Candy offered him a shy smile. 

“Normally I am supposed to say something with that, but as I have to mimic it, I can’t do more”.

A weird silence accompanied her speech. He seemed like if he was in another galaxy.

“Wait... What does it mean ? Hum, I have an idea, but are you... You are ? Really ? It’s not... A trick ?” He couldn’t be more lost than that.

“I love our jokes, but it would be a really, really bad one. So... yes, it is really happening. Well, only if you want it, and I could understand if...” Her voice was no more than a whisper. She was tamed by uncertainty. 

However, she didn’t have the time to continue, because the second after, he was with her on the ground, being busy to kiss her like if it was the last time.  

People all around them applauded, but it was like if they were somewhere far away from them. He was the only one who matters, and Candy felt those million butterflies in her stomach relieved her stress, while his delicious laugh came to her. 

“It’s exactly why I love you.”

Castiel | Nathaniel | Kentin | Lysander ||| global summary

[now-age-conciousness-blog]

WHAT IS GOD? God is a Human Construct. Now calm down, breathe and listen to what I say with an open mind. As Lao Tsu says in the Dao "A bowl is most useful when it is empty" so empty your bowl and just for a brief moment think and ponder upon what I am going to say? I am not saying God doesnt exist, all religions agree that there is a higher power which cannot be explained, yet Gods take on very human charecteristics in all religions not only professing peace and love, but vengance, lust, incest, plaguse, curses, jealousy, hatred, war mongering etc and a vast array of human emotions. The big question here is why? And here lies the absolute truth of my statement. God is a Human construct, religion is a human construct. Have you ever stopped to wonder why all ancient Greek Gods were Greek? Why the Europeans took a Palestinian Jew and made him white? Why African Gods are African? Why are Indian Gods Indian? Why now blacks are saying Jesus was Black? Why paradise to a Prophet in the desert was revealed as a place with an abundance of water? I pose to you a question, if Lions had religious dogma do you suppose that their God would be a Zebra or another all powerful lion? In this way God is a human construct. SO DOES GOD NOT EXIST? On the contrary, a higher power does exist but each persons concept is different and many wars were started and fought on the basis of these constructs until this very day. God exists as a battery if you will, that all laws of physics and mathematics give explanations of the power of God yet still that is again only to our sensory perception but God is something far greater then we have the capacity to comprehend or measure with our limited perceptions. If I was to say that all life has an essence of God, many call it the breath of God, however every religion calls this the soul, and with our sight we can percieve this, one needs only look into a dead mans eyes to see the "spark of life" that was present while he was alive is no longer present after the breath has left his body. Almost all religions say, that this is the soul returned to God. If God is in everything, and everything is creation then our atoms return to the universe and in essence just take up a different form inside of this cosmic life force or what we call God. SO YOU ARE SAYING RELIGION IS WRONG? This question is complex, and something we must analyze very carefully before we make any critical decisions. I have said that dogma has its place, but blind faith is dangerous, and little knowledge of faith is the most dangerous of all Dogmas. For now, until we can get more indepth I will say yes and no and that as people we have completely missed the mark and if we do not turn at this point this will turn into one of the greatest catastrophes mankind has ever known because as all people tout that they follow a dogma of love, we are certainly very efficient at hate and killing those that do not share our particular God ideal. Yet the lesson that God has been trying to reveal to us has been lost in ethno centricity, greed, lust, power, prestige and various forms of corruption. However as God created tigers with claws and fangs, monkeys with strong limds and birds with wings. He made us to reason and think, and it is this that we underutilize and has turned us into a cancer on ths planet destroying and rending all asunder. However it is only knowledge and reason that can set us free So If Religion is A Human Construct and God is A Human Construct How Do We Have Morals? If you believe that God is our creator, if you believe that we have a soul that returns to God, then you must believe that inside of that coding is the manual you seek. If I were to break it down to you it would be like this, your family or partner,your friends, your possesions do not make you happy, it is not their purpose. Anything that affects you, positively or negatively is of your own doing. If someone was to call you a particullaly nasty name, you have many avenues, to ignore it and not let it affect you, to agree with it and go into depression, to verbally challenge the person who said it or to take violent measures either at them or at yourself in the form of suicide. Yet all of those actions did not come from the person who verbally abused you, but from how you chose to react. However if we can communicate directly with God, inside of ourselves and recognize God for what it is the manual will be clear. The difference between ordinary humans and those chosen by God is that they were able to transcend our sensory organs to present to us this index which is the basis of every single God concept that was every used by man as an example of an ideal life. So How Exactly Are We Supposed To Find This Spirit Within? I am glad you asked! Firstly we must recognize that man is made up of many components: 1) Physical Self 2) Concious Self 3) Subconcious Self 4) Logical/Sensory Self 5) Spiritual Self If these things are in balance, you could stand in the very presence of God and see the answers for yourself and find ultimate peace. Physical/Conscious/Sub Concious/Logical and Sensory Self These while being seperate things cannot exist without one another, they are all one in the same, and in later writings I will expand more upon each, but for those that wish to follow this path I will give you a glimpse into the rules our community has for living in the physical world as civilized citizens, adhere to this and many things will fall naturally into place for the next level, the sprituality aspect of our beings. Community Laws 1) Respect everyone regardless of Race, Creed, Faith, Age, Gender or sexual preference. We are all subject to trials, and all destined to live together. 2) People will like you or dislike you, remain neutral but do not allow the desire for acceptance change who you are, the only person with the power to change you is you. 3) Do not seek to attract undue attention by over exageratting your deeds, no deed is greater or smaller then its intention and the deed will attract as much attention as it deserves without you blowing your own horn. Remain Humble in all achivements and grateful for all failures as they are truly your only opprtunity to grow. 4) Express your opinion openly and frankly to those that seek it and only to the person you are addressing, in no way shape or form are you to berate, belittle or gossip about anyone not present to answer your opinion with one of their own. 5) Your word is your bond, do not make oths and promises lightly, even if there is a 1% chance you may not be able to do it, do not promise. If you do make such an oth honour it always. 6) Always praise those who have done something admirable, but never belittle others to make you look good. 7) live with love and compassion for all of creation without hope of reward or agenda. 8) Accept the life you have at this very moment and understand that if it changes for better or for worse it is a result iof your choices, no one else is to blame or give credit to for the life you have. 9) Regret nothing, regret will not change your past, learn and move forward. 10) Do not chase worldy lusts, food, drugs, sex, fame etc. Enjoy what you have and learn from the past, plan and hope for the future and live in the now, because truly that is all that anyone ever has. 11) you cannot own another human being, in all relationships everyone is free to follow their hearts be it education, sexual, career or any other life choice. You cannot allow petty jealosuy or social norm from allowing them to experience their own life in a way that makes them happy. 12) Accept the death of your body, without this realization you will never truly live your full potential. 13) Balance your food, a strong body is a strong mind and a strong mins is the only pathway to God. you owe yourself and God a healthy life so you can earnestlly live and seek whatever truths you feel you need 14) Do not be obbsessed with yourself but strike a balance between humility and vanity 15) Never desire anothers life, you do not know their struggle and never complain about yours as your situation is a amalgamation of your own choices and no one else is to blame. Blessings

[coolbreezeshere]

My husband, "her" and me. The aftermath of depression and gender doubt.

Four days. That’s how long it took me to grasp what he had told me. Four days of crying and a poorly executed suicide attempt. These had been the longest days I have ever experienced. Longer then the day my father died, longer then then the day I was diagnosed with cancer, longer then any day of hardship and deep depression I had faced before.

It happens so quickly, the realization that the person you love most has become a stranger you don’t recognize at all. Saturday night I had fallen asleep with my husband and sunday morning the person I had loved was all but dead and replaced with someone who looked and sounded like him, but wasn’t. I had lost my husband, my best friend and the love of my life to a woman who didn’t exist anywhere but in his mind.

Let me tell you about myself. I have always considered myself an open and accepting person. I go out of my way to help everyone in need and I spend most of my time working to make others happy. I love everyone, men and women of all backgrounds and have had my fair few relationships with same sex and transitioning partners. I never thought that I would have such a hard time when my husband of seven years told me he wanted to be a woman. I always pictured myself being endlessly supportive of people finding themselves and their happiness. But I wasn’t… this time it was different. When he told me, I offered to help, I told him it was okay and that his happiness was the most important thing to me. I told him i would support him. It wasn’t until that night I realized that wasn’t how I really felt. I had told him it was alright, but it wasn’t, not really. I felt cracked down the middle, as if I was two people and the more I thought about my future with him as a woman, the more I felt my future with him crumbling. There would be no father to our future children, no husband to fall asleep with at night and feel his strong arms around men when he rolls over at four in the morning in his sleep to hug me.. no more listening to the sound of his heart beating, with my head against his masculine chest. I felt it all falling apart and I felt lost and alone and afraid. Things happened then, his legs were shaved and his eyebrows plucked and he stopped talking to me about it, as if his one statement was enough to clarify everything to me. I felt physically ill. I had this twisted hot metallic feeling in my insides that felt like my stomach was like a horriffic car wreck, twisted and turned like some tangled gruesome wreckage.

I read every article and post about women in the situation I was in and it all made me feel worse. I saw hundreds of people just telling them to be supportive, understanding and patient.. a peice of advice I had given to people in hard situations countless times. But somewhere there was a part of me that I didn’t know existed, it was the part of me that just couldn’t.. and that made me feel so guilty. Here I was suddenly a hypocrite, thinking about my inability to truly be supportive of the man I loved with all of my heart. Finding myself almost angry that I was expected to not only be accepting of the loss of the husband I had thought I knew for almost a decade, but also to celebrate his loss. I felt guilty, and I felt confused.

There were so many emotions and so many thoughts and questions that I asked and begged him for the answers for, but he left me with silence. You see..he didn’t really seem to understand it either.

He had been suffering from depression for sure long time. A foster child, ripped from his family, moved across the country and shifted into bad situation after bad situation, he had many dark things lurking in his past. As adults I tried to help him get back in touch with his parents. After a few years of trying, and reaching out to his siblings, he was notified of his mother’s death. He was cold and unresponsive about it. He said that it didn’t make him feel much, but slowly started talking about the memories he had about her. Two months later he started talking in his sleep and he spiraled into a depression. He pushed away and made foolish, rash choices. He started drinking and in turn became violent. We got through it. I told him that it was okay what he was feeling and he told me he thought that he wanted me to leave him..because he said everyone leaves him and he would rather have me go now then later when it would hurt him more. But I didn’t leave. I held him even time he cried and stayed through every fight and domestic squabble that ended with some bruises. Eventually he came out the other side. He was finally alright again and he had joy and laughter, love and hope for a future. He asked me to marry him and I said yes. I told him i would never abandon him and no matter what hardships we faced in life, that we would face them together. We had some rough patches over the years since then. When his father died he spent two months trying to push me away. He became distant and he tried to make affairs seem obvious, even though he never took them to a physical level. He got so angry at himself, he didn’t understand why he was trying to make me leave. He said he loved me so much, and he hated hurting me, but still felt like driving me away. I stayed. It was one of the hardest periods of my life, but I had faith that it would pass, and it did. The longer I stayed and the more I told him i wouldn’t leave, the less he tried to push me away and then one day his depression was mostly gone again. There was good days and bad, but most were filled with love and laughter and once again he started planning a future.

I got sick in 2011. The big looming word that scares everyone. The worst xase sinario that pops into everyones head when they think of the worst thing a person could have. I had cancer. I thought for sure he would run away, or act out..but this time he was the one who stayed. He was my rock, he supported me through all of the hospital trips and stayed by my side when they had me incubated for a week in intensive care after my last surgery. He never once left my side. Waking up to see his face when we got the news that I was cancer free was one of the best mornings in our entire life together, not just because of the news, but because of the way he smiled with big tears of joy rolling down his face. I remember the way he hugged me as if he hadn’t seen me in years.

Since then we have moved a few times, we live on a farm with my family now and we grow our own foods and raise our own chickens for eggs and meat. Clean living helps keep feeling good. I had some really tough times following my remission, I gained a lot of weight since my body was suddenly no longer starving from the treatment it packed on every pound it could. I had some self esteem issues and I tried to hang myself once, but usually I am pretty good. It’s like there’s two parts to me. There is the person who has a wonderful husband and a lovely life, who is lucky and thankful to be alive. Then there is this dark creeping shadow that comes and consumes me at times. Like a big storm it comes on fast and I can’t see anything real for what it is. I know I am not the only one who has this. I see my husband’s bad days too.

We stopped being so intimate when I gained weight after my remission. We still had sex, but less frequently. I didn’t work anymore and he worked a lot. Lots of times he was tired and I was too self conscious. I think it was hard on both of us. The more he worked and the more self concious i felt, the less we would have sex, the less we would have sex the more he would watch porn. The more he watched porn of these beautiful, thin women..the worse I felt about myself. And the more he worked, the more distant I became, the more his own depression started creeping in. Around the sixth year in a marriage is often tough. I don’t know what it is about the sixth year but I hear it from a lot of people. The sixth year is a hard year. We were both unhappy with ourselves and the way we felt. We were fat and sad and didn’t know how to fix it. The harder we tried to be more active and connected..the more it felt forced. We went to some counselling. We reminded ourselves about what each others love language is. How we are most receptive to feeling loved. We reminded ourselves about the love we have of one another. You see l, the love was still there, sometimes life just has a way of weighing you down and making you forget the things you loved before. It helped. It helped to have someone to just give us the opportunity to communicate about things we didn’t quite know how to say about our feelings.

His brother died from a fentynal overdose a few months before his confession.

Our seven year anniversary was almost here when I went onto Facebook one morning before my husband woke up. I saw a disturbing post from my brother in law’s girlfriend. I called my brother in law..no answer. I messaged everyone i knew that was close to him and eventually called his building. The landlord told me what happened, and how she had found him. I called the hospital and then coroner and confirmed.. I sat and I cried before I had the nerve or the words to go and tell my husband. I brewed some coffee, I brought him a cup and sat down on the edge of the bed, kissed him on the forehead and let him wake up a little before I proceeded to tell him that his oldest brother, the one who he was the closest with..the one who had just moved to our city and had planned to come meet his little brother for the first time in eleven years that very same week..was dead. My husband didn’t eat that day, and he didn’t speak about it again. I made all the funeral arrangements with his family over the following week. His body needed to be flown to the province his wife and children were in, where his and my husband’s parents were buried. I cleaned out his appartment and sent his personal belongings to his daughter. My husband watched, but didn’t react. He said we would not be attending the funeral, and we didn’t.

That depression started quicker this time. After only a month he was having trouble at work, he was always tired and when he drank, he drank till he had seizures. I tried to do more fun things with him, I tried to take him out of our routine and get some excitement. I didn’t expect to wake up one morning with someone who acted completely shut off,while he told me he wanted to be a woman. Especially after having such loving sex with my husband the night before.

He said it was new.. only a few months. He hadn’t thought of a name or dressed in women’s clothing..he just said he wasn’t comfortable with himself. He said he wanted to be beautiful, and do the things women do to be that way. He told me he never pictured himself as a husband or father, even though he had often brought of having children with me and thought about it much more often then I had. Suddenly he didn’t see himself as a father.. this was all new.

I had so much trouble feeling like I was a bad person because I kept wondering if this was just his was of grieving. Was this a phase? Was this his way of trying to push me away again because he feels like every time he gets hopefull, something goes wrong and that people he loves will always leave him? Did he suddenly never see himself as a father because of all the art his brother kept from his own daughter, that we had to sort through, pack up and send back to her, or was it thinking about how he would make a child suffer if he was to die young like the rest of the people in his family. I wondered if his sadness has gotten sobbad that between that and his depression (And yes there is a huge difference between being sad and depressed) that he was just grasping for anything he thought would make him feel better… that somehow he told himself that if he could juat be a different person theb he wouldny have to feel the way he did anymore.. he didnt have to feel sad or lonley or think about the losses or hardships. These were some of the things that went through my head since he hadn’t thought in depth about WHO he would be if he were a woman, just about the fact that he wouldn’t be him anymore.

I have met and been close with a lot of people who have transitioned or were transgendered and the thing I noticed was that they all knew long before they ever really mentioned it. They had years to spend thinking about who they would be or were on the inside. It wasn’t just a snap decision that came up quickly and without much thought.

I thought about all these things and it made me feel like an unsupportive monster. Here my husband is telling me something deep and emotional and I am here thinking about all the ways that it could be not true.. wishing it would just be a phase that will pass.. how could I be so selfish and dismissive and I hated myself for it. The more I felt like I hated myself the more confused and overwhelmed I got until I just snapped. I waited till he was gone and I tried to kill myself. I didn’t expect him to quit his job and come home early. I expected to just get the last bit of pain over with and then slip away to a place where I didn’t have to be tired anymore..when I maybe could see my family again.. or else just not feel what I was feeling anymore. It was all just too much. I never expected to have to feel the sharp realization and crushing heartweneching feeling of coming around to see my husband’s panicking face above me coming in and out of focus, shaking me back into consciousness as he sounded words at me that sounded like they were garbled through a tunnel. Then even more guilt.. not only had I put even more stress on a person who is going through a hard time but I did it unnessisarily because I didn’t even succeed at taking away my own pain. I was selfish and I was weak but I didn’t know how to be anything but that.

They say that when a man comes out of the closet a woman goes into hers.. it’s true.. the more he plucked his eyebrows the less I did.. the more he showered and took care of his hair the less I could even get myself out of bed to go to the washrooms. I stopped shaving, and washing and brushing my teeth, I stopped wearing my nice clothes and my dresses and kept wearing the same dirty, sweat smelling clothes. I had been all week. I stopped eating and drinking water, and I didn’t sleep..I just laid there, facing the wall and wishing I could just disappear.

He wasn’t happy either. He felt guilty and confused about the effect his confesion had on me. He tried to tell me how much he loved me, and he explained that he still wanted to be with me, that he was still attracted to women, but that he would just feel more comfortable being one.. that he wanted to be pretty, that he wanted to feel pretty. He said he still wanted children and that he just didn’t see himself as a father. That crushed me even more. If he was the mother…what purpose do I serve. I had lost my husband to a being that didn’t even exist..and now she wants to take away my chance of being the mother to a family.. I was mad and upset and mostly..I felt all alone. I don’t think I have ever felt more alone in my entire life then I did looking into the eyes of the man I had devoted all my time and love and money and energy into making sure he was okay.. that I had pictures a whole beautiful future with.. children, Birthdays, vacations, anniversaries, births, weddings, grandchildren, and even the hard times, writing our wills, getting old, the illnesses, deaths… all of the things I had spent the last decade thinking about and planning are now crumbling down on me and I’m being crushed by the weight of all my shattered dreams for a future with the man I love. And all the while I keep reminding myself that I want him to be happy.. but I don’t think I can do this.

I called a suicide hotline and went online. I talked about what was going on and some were rude, some were kind, most people gave me the same advise you always see when you see someone struggling with “transiphobia” or what ever hardship they are trying to overcome.. but no one really understood. No one actually knew what this felt like..although they tried to empathize it was different. Everyone was just saying words until someone finally actually spoke to me. His girlfriend had recently left him for a married woman she had worked out with. He knew the struggles of wanting to be supportive but also just deeply disagreeing with it..not because of their sexuality or their gender.. but because you love them as they were and you can’t possibly bear to see such a beautiful person tear themselves apart and change themselves.. because then they won’t be them anymore. You end up feeling empty and for the first time..someone understood that. This complete stranger was further along with this then I was. He got me to eat. After four days awake without eating I had my first meal thanks to him. I felt numb. Dead inside, but somehow this person got through. Either way someone is going to end up hurt.. he asked me who could handle it more. That was what I needed to hear. It’s impossible to get out of this situation painlessly, but he reminded me that I have always been the strong one. I agreed to go see a professional with my husband. I agreed to help him to reach what ever solution or course of action he chooses to take. I promised that I would be there for my husband a long time ago I promised him that when things got hard I wouldn’t just abandon him.. I can’t break that promise now.

Maybe it will pass, and maybe it won’t. You see everywhere how people say doubting your gender can lead to depression, they forget that being depressed can make you doubt who you are entirely. I know it makes me question everything that I am.

There will always be questions, and it’s okay to be afraid. The truth is that you never really know what’s going to happen, and you’re almost never prepared when something does. I don’t know if I will love the woman my husband may choose to become, but I know that I love him enough to stay with him while he figures out what he really wants. Maybe this will pass like the other hardships. Or maybe I will have to find something new for myself. What ever time it takes to process something like this, that’s okay. It is going to be okay.

[renzgonzales-blog1]

CHAPTER 1: PHILOSOPHICAL PERSPECTIVE OF THE SELF

“Decisions I make”

“Philosophy employs the inquisitive mind to discover the ultimate causes, reasons, and principles of everything”. This chapters deals with different philosophers and their philosophical view of the self. Each one of them contribute on how they perceive and understand the true meaning of the self. We exist in this world for some various reasons and we think that we have a purpose in it. According to Plato: The Self is an Immortal Soul, his philosophical view of the self has a great impact on every individual lives. He introduces the three part soul the reason, physical appetite, and spirit or passion. He believes that when a conflict occurs, it is the reason’s responsibility. Reason helps us to think deeply, make wise choices, and achieve the true understanding of eternal truths. Physical appetite includes our basic biological needs such as hunger, thirst, and sexual desire. The spirit or passion includes ones basic emotions such as love, anger, ambition and aggressiveness. As we grow older things get sucks than the way it used to be. When I was a child I didn’t value decisions that I make and I do it inappropriately. At this stage things get worser and I am not able to solve the problem easily because I didn’t let the “Reason” rule over the situation. Those experiences taught me on how should we manage our decisions in life because even a single decision can change our entire life. We eat in order to survive, we sort things out to satisfy our desires, we easily get tempted by the inferior perspective we didn’t wanted, we love unconditionally, we set goals for success and create ambitions in life. At some point these things helps us to make ourselves more human but instead of thinking the positive outcome, we should also think the adverse effects of this wants and should limit our actions properly. These things should be in control because if we don’t, our life might get miserable. Physical appetite and spirit or passion are prone to judgement. When these things are brought to contact, conflict might occur and we should let Reason rule over the situation. We should be responsible in the things we do, think more before we take actions and learn to be contended on what we have now. Even these simple things will make things better and better and I believe that “Genuine happiness can only achieve by people who consistently make sure that their Reason is in control of their Spirit and Appetites.

CHAPTER 2: SOCIOLOGICAL PERSPECTIVE: THE SELF AS A PRODUCT OF SOCIETY

   “Mirror”

Everytime we go outside it seems like were always concious about our dress code, smell, looks and many more. This world is full of judgement and insecurities but how do we get rid of it? The looking-glass self by Charles Horton Cooley introduces to highlight that the people whom a person interacts with become a mirror in which he or she views himself or herself. Technically speaking, people who surrounds us become a mirror because they are the one who sees us and its up to them how they perceive and think about what were showing to them. Self-identity or self-image is achieved through a threefold event which begins by conceiving an idea of how a person presents himself or herself to others. We have different ways on how we present ourselves to others but attitude is the major concern. Its up to us on how we treat other people. If we treat them in a bad way of course you should expect that bad things will reflect to you. You should treat others the way you wanted to be treated and always remember the golden rule. Second is conceiving an idea of how he or she analyzes how others perceive him or her. We may encounter different perceptions and opinions from other people but we shouldn’t let their opinion ruin us because maybe these things bothers us the most and we might have wrong interpretations that will lead us to negative self-image. The third one is conceiving an idea of how he or she creates an image for himself or herself. Since we are in the modern world we tend to improve our appearance by improvising ideas to make ourselves good-looking. Some of us are very concious of what they wear, what they look-like and what they smell. Creating a good self-image prevent judgement from other people because it is pleasing in them if they see or feel a good ambiance within us but at the end of the day there perceptions about us don’t really matter as long as we know what is right and what is good for us. We shouldn’t change ourselves just to make them please, instead just be you and don’t let the world define who we are.

CHAPTER 3: AN ANTHROPOLOGICAL CONCEPTUALIZATION OF THE SELF: THE SELF AS EMBEDDED IN CULTURE

                   “Since Then”

Filipinos follow different traditions and cultures despite our similarities and differences. Our ancestors created this cultures and we adapt these cultures because it is introduced to us. The identity toolbox refers to the features of a person’s identity that he or she chooses to emphasize in constructing a social self. We came from different families, tribes, and ethnicities but it is still in our minds that we should unite as one. Family membership could be the most significant feature to identify a person’s social identity. Everything we do will reflect to our family just like you did something wrong infront of other people and they will tell you like “Is that what your family teach you?” It is what others perceive about us not knowing the real reason behind it. Personal naming is a universal practice that establishes a child’s birthright and social identity. We are born in this world with names and that names came from our parents who really loves us. When we’re in our mothers womb they always think about what name they could to this child and they really work hard for it. We all have different practices on our cultures and we believe that this practices is really good for us. Here in the Philippines we adapt the sociocentric view. Even were 18+ our parents still accept us as a family and we could still live in a same house not like in other countries when you reach 18 you should live independently. Im 18 yrs old but my parents are still working for us to survive. These cultures became a true trademark of us Filipinos and it will remain in our hearts until the end of time.

CHAPTER 4: PSYCHOLOGICAL PERSPECTIVE OF THE SELF

             “True Me”

We have our own perceptions about how can we understand the true meaning of the self. This chapter deals with psychological perspective of the self. According to Carl Rogers he suggests that there are two components of the self-concept the real self and the ideal self. When we say “real self” this thing refers of what one is and what one can do, basically it is what we have right now like the way we act, the way interact other people, the way we live and etc. The ideal self refers to a person’s conception of what one should be and what one aspires to be, so the ideal self is what a person wanted to be. We set goals and create ambitions in life for us to be a successful person someday. These things makes sense at all, it will help a person to shape and mold its true character and it will lead us to a better future someday. Each one of us has desires and dreams just like me I wanted to be a Radiologic Technologist someday because I want to help my family to get rid of difficulties in life. We can make our ideal self as a motivation towards from our success but we can achieve those specific goals if we work hard and strive hard for it. If we get tired we should rest and learn not to quit and always remember why you’ve started. The closer the ideal self to the real self, the more fulfilled and happy the individual becomes. According to Winnicott that the self is composed of true self and false self. I encounter a lot of people doing this kind of stuffs especially first day of classes. False self might occur if we meet people especially first time. Most of my classmates tend to show their false self because maybe they’re afraid of judgement and a thing we call first impressions. I show my false self to the people im not close with and people I didn’t know. I regret those days that everytime I open up, it hurts because they don’t deserve to know me. I only show my true self to the people always behind my back who always supports me and accept me of what I really am and they are my family and my closests friends. Its up to us how we portray ourselves to other people as long as were kind enough to make them happy because I believe that the things we do are the things matters the most.

CHAPTER 5: THE WESTERN AND EASTERN CONCEPTS OF SELF

Western concept of self has different aspects that will introduce different personalities. I can see myself in Western Self as Monotheistic. I believe in one God the Creator and the God who sustain our needs. The term ‘self’ refers to an individual human being, along with their body, mind, and in some cases, the concept of a ‘soul’. The western view of the ‘enduring self’ refers to the notion that “you are the same person you were earlier in your life. In other words, it assumes that we humans are selves that endure through time” So, despite the many mental and physical changes that may occur during our life, we are essentially the same ‘self’ throughout our many developments. While western traditional has, for the most part, accepted and championed the idea of an ‘enduring self’, the exact definition and characteristics of this ‘enduring self’ are diverse. However, the Enlightenment philosopher David Hume and the founder of Buddhism, Siddhartha Gautama, both rejected the idea of an ‘enduring self’, even going so far as to claim any concept of a ‘self’ is an illusion. Individualistic cultures are those that stress the needs of the individual over the needs of the group as a whole. In this type of culture, people are seen as independent and autonomous. Social behavior tends to be dictated by the attitudes and preferences of individuals. Cultures in North America and Western Europe tend to be individualistic. Western Concept of self as Individualistic it talks about our personal freedom. In individualistic cultures, people are considered "good" if they are strong, self-reliant, assertive, and independent. This contrasts with collectivist cultures where characteristics like being self-sacrificing, dependable, generous, and helpful to others are of greater importance. 

CHAPTER 6: THE PHYSICAL SELF

“Apperance”

The aim of art is to represent not the outward appearance of things but their inward significance. There are many ways you can describe a person. The way I would describe myself is that my physical features are unique, for me of course but for them, I didn’t think so. Over time, a person transforms his self image into his identity. As a result, hairstyle, types of clothes, and particular possessions are bounded with a person so tightly that, if ever taken away, would cause drastic depersonalization. In the past few days there’s a lot of people asking why I changed my hairstyle without knowing the reasons behind it. Im not that type of person who usually improvise ideas to make myself better looking. As you can see we have our own charisma and beliefs on how can we change ourselves to have a better outcome appearance. Everyone of us has its own way to express ourselves physically. Since I was a child I didn’t value the importance in beauty not just on the inside but in the outside. We filipinos it is in our culture to have more or less the same concept of what is beautiful. A while ago when I was scrolling down in my facebook account I red a statement of a guy he said that “Auto reject because Im ugly”. So I found out that people who are physically attractive are the ones who are favored in a relationship than unattractive people, unlike others people tend to set standards for himself/herself. In the physical sense, they are things like personal hygiene, personal dress code, and accessories that highlight one's personality. It is not surprising how often people define themselves using their physical appearance in this highly populated society where first impression is crucial. When I started in college I thought it would be hard for me to gain friends because I thought that some of my classmates choose friends if you are good-looking. In our generation if you are physically attractive you have a lot of advantages in life. Most people who are perceived to be attractive are favored over those who are not in many social situations. However, it is important for us to see the person’s inner being before judging them. Physical appearance alone is not enough to see the person’s true character. Face is just an expression of well being and emotion but becomes a root of all forms of discrimination. It is just a masterpiece of God’s creativity but becomes a basis of a judgmental society. We should be kind to everybody because everyone’s fighting a hard battle.

CHAPTER 7: THE SEXUAL SELF

          “Sex”

Sex is nature in people” When God said... Go to the world and multiply, many religious belief follow God’s order but when we do it, it should be proper. This cruel and relentless world has full of temptations and judgment that every single person committed sins in a way that they might destroy their lives. Im just 17 years old and Im really curious about the word “sex” not just me but also the world. Some of my friends shared about their “sexperience” and it is quite silly because you heard it from them verbally. It is full of nasty words and goosebumps is all I feel. I didn’t know the feeling of having sex with a partner. There are different forms of sex but to be honest I tried only self-stimulation or masturbation. We should admit it that we all do this kind of stuffs and sometimes we are fantasizing erotic images like naked men or women especially our crushes, just kiddin’. As the time goes by our population are getting higher because of the teenage pregnancy and PMS or premarital sex. Sex is sacred and it is gift from God over those people who are married but why some of us do sex in an ordinary way? as what I’ve said earlier maybe they are curious and maybe tempted. In biblical views, it is said that our body is the temple of the holy spirit and we should respect our body not just in terms of sex but taking care of it properly. We all have different sexual orientation, just like me I can tell that I am attracted in both sexes but it occurs more naturally in male. There is no problem of being a gay or bisexual the only problem is the judgmental people who surrounds us and keep telling things in an inappropriate way. Why you can’t keep your eyes open and see the beauty in it?. I know that most cases of HIV/Aids belongs to the LGBTQIA+ but instead of making things worser, you should able to do nice things that make other people please. Reproductive Health Law or RH Law is responsible to this kind of situations. It always keep telling us on how can we prevent pregnancy and STD’s or sexual transmitted diseases. Catholic Church is not in favor of it because they believe that it tolerates people to do sex. We are in the modern world where people thinks practically in order to make our country a better place. We can’t control people especially those who are sexually active. This law will might help them and it always keep telling them to use contraceptives to avoid different circumstances. As a concern citizen we should be responsible in the things we do and always remember not having sex can be the safest sex method to avoid this kind of phenomena.

CHAPTER 8: THE MATERIAL SELF

“Things I want”

“Self is everything that an individual considers to be his or hers, not only his or her body and material possessions but also his or her reputations and beliefs (James,1980). There are few material components of the self the body, clothes that people wear, and one’s house, cars and pets. Base on what I have read on the book women are more submissive than men in terms of perceptions about physical appearance. As I observed on my environment men especially women do really conscious the way they act and talk or how they express their characteristic through materials they have. People can be possible describe the person correctly by knowing the wants and needs.Sometimes, I noticed this kind of attitude but I am not fully aware the outcomes after getting my needs or wants. At this age I am still practicing how to give a limit to myself, because it is really hard to stop i regret those days I made my self spoil on something.There is nothing wrong when we say material self. Human as we are we tend to know our wants and needs and it is natural for us to be satisfied on something. But people should be more aware on getting something. In a reason, the desire for material possessions also have negative effects on one’s sense of self and identity. They are giving more importance to material instead of values.

CHAPTER 9: THE SPIRITUAL SELF

          “Faith”

We all have our different beliefs when it comes to religion. There’s a lot of ways on how can we serve God, by worshipping him, praying, and reading the bible. Religion is the most contradicting part of spirituality, if religion is good why it divides its society? The question that makes people think and perceive of what religion will might bring to us. Im born in catholic but I have a christian faith. It is not right to judge other peoples beliefs we should respect them and let them. I that theres no religion that could save you, it is the relationship between you and God. I regret the days that im in the point of my life that I don’t believe in God anymore and everything has changed. I don’t have someone to ask for help, to pray for and share my thoughts when I’m alone. Maybe those experiences made me realize that my faith is not strong enough to believe in God because I let my self drowned by my own doubts and letting my self conceived by the enemy. There’s really nothing wrong in believing God have faith and trust in him and things will work out. Victor Frankl introduces the way of finding meaning in life. According to him one can discover the meaning of life in three different ways by doing a deed, experiencing a value, and by suffering. In doing a deed the way of finding meaning of life is through achievements and accomplishments. If we have a lot of achievements in life maybe we find our purpose in it and lead us to understanding the true meaning of life. Second way is experiencing a value. Loving is an example to this one. The feeling that someone loves us is one of the most wonderful feeling we can feel. We will know our value why we exist and why we live in this world. No one can become fully aware of the essence of another human being unless he or she loves him or her. The third way of finding meaning in life is by suffering. Through sufferings man can encounter the significance of existence. If there is a purpose in life at all maybe there must be a purpose in suffering and in dying but according to him no one can tell another what this purpose is. We can find the true meaning of life by staying longer in this world. Day by day we experience a lot of struggles and trials maybe these things will help us to understand the abstract meaning of life. The practice of animism here in the Philippines is still existing nowadays. Some of them believe that stones, statues and etc. exist to protect them and guide them toward a fruitful life. It is not right to worship a God you made by your own hands, instead serve the God that will sustain all your needs in life and give you true salvation.

CHAPTER 10: THE POLITICAL SELF

“What politics provides us”

Politics. It is possibly the most hated word in the English language. Most people hate politics and government without really knowing what they are. Many different definitions of politics exist. One definition defines politics as the conflict between groups over something they both want. Another similar definition calls politics the "who gets what, when, and how." Government is defined as the institution that has the enforceable right to control people’s behavior. But why do people hate politics and politicians? Is it because politicians cannot be trusted, or maybe because they spend too much money? Whatever the reasons are for hating politics and government, both are needed as a mechanism for people to protect themselves. In some cases, politics is really a must for us to understand how it works and what politics could give in the Filipino citizens. As a student Im still learning about politics and how can I manage my political self in the near future. It is necessary for us to vote politicians like PRRD because they are the one who will help us in times of needs. When calamities may occur it is the responsible of the government to help and serve people but when we vote it should be wisely and think who deserves the spot. Through politics we are able to know what is the relationship between the country and the fellow citizens who are involve with this and learning the value of what is main purpose of politics in our lives.

CHAPTER 11: DIGITAL SELF

“Modern World”

Think before you click” a simple phrase tat has a thousands of meanings. Everytime we woke up the first we find is our mobile phones. Checking notifications and if someone message us. Using of modern technologies is very rampant in our society nowadays. Technology made our life easier than before just like us in the past few years we use the charcoal iron, for it to be heated you should burn the charcoal inside to create heat and now you can use it to flatten clothes but now we use the electric flat iron and it is very convenient and less effort. Using of social media is excessive especially in our generation. Theres a lot of advantages that social media can give but we must be responsible if we’re engage in this kind of practices. These things should be in control because if not our life might be in tragic. I have a friend who usually posts on facebook everyday like what shes eating, what shes doing, where she is and many more. I told her it is not necessary to post those kind of stuffs because she might get stalked by someone and it is a major concern. Avoid posting our personal information because it will be use against us like blackmailing. As time goes by social media is part on our daily lives it use to communicate our love ones especially those who are in other countries. There’s nothing wrong in posting those kind of stuffs in social media as long as we limit ourselves from it to prevent different kind of circumstances.