#been looking forward to this all summer
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peng… ❤️ they bird on my word till i bird bird bird bird is the word
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Im sorry i havent been able to open commissions this spring break :( i have been sick with a fever and im not sure if ill be able to open commissions yet 😿 im sorry for all the trouble!! I have work and schoolwork after this week, but i will try and look for a time period when i can open comms <_( ; *_*)_>
#lego#monkie kid#lego monkie kid#lmk#golden winged peng#peng#lmk peng#lmk s4#i was looking forward to opening comms this break but im not sure if id have enough time to work on them now :(#im very sorry to all those rhat have been asking!! I know i will be able to open comms this summer#But i will try my hardest to open them before this summer as well#For now take a peng i forgot to post until now
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various situations
#im having so much fun this guy is RIDICULOUS#i loved playing the little part in aa3 where he takes over for Phoenix after he jumps off the fuckin bridge#and I’ve been looking forward to playing investigations#he is unhinged truly#and turnabout reminiscence which i just finished now is so good#young Edgeworth is insane im also going insane#i love the little sprites omg#also just in case anyone doubts how insane I’ve become i have spent literally all summer just playing all the ace attorney games like#im serious it has been 10 games? I’ve put in probably by now 350 hours just in ace attorney this summer#I literally cannot stop playing#something’s deeply wrong with me now.#anyway#miles edgeworth#ace attorney#aai1#aai1 spoilers#idk how to tag for spoilers here there are so many acronyms
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"And this one is..."
redraw of one of my favorite scenes in all of mononoke/ayakashi! i wanted to try out a new coloring style and my god it took a while but i like how it looks, at least in some parts.
#mononoke#kusuriuri#kayo#FINALLY. DONE#i started this before i left in june and ive been looking forward to finishing it all summer :D#praying i didnt forget some obvious detail that ill only notice after uploading
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bought some records today put together a bookshelf and painted the inside of it slowly unpacking my stuff and cobbling together what i want my space to look like and making it mine
#also putting the final changes for my course syllabus which is good#i'm definitely tired and i feel like i've been running all summer but i am looking forward to the year kicking off
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#Good Omens season 2#Good Omens TV#I know everyone else already shifted into this mode like a month ago and by now already know the plot of the entire show beforehand probabl#but I've been stubbornly avoiding all spoilers and anyways I had to finish DS9 which I will be doing tonight#thereupon I will die 1000 deaths and resurrect to rewatch gomens s1 one more time next week#and then next Friday I will binge the entirety of s2 all at once like a whalefall feeding frenzy and then I will EXPLODE <3#so nice to have things to look forward to in this world. you've got to have goals you know.#good omens#Starky's Original Posts#GIVE IT UP FOR HOT REPTILE SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!!#man I've missed this and I didn't even realize it tbh...... like it turns out yes it is actually fun and engaging to watch new things#and be excited for what will happen in them#wah :')#[voices in the distance yelling at me to answer ppl's messages and do something productive/creative instead of just#wolfing down tv shows and fanfics and nothing else but luckily I am running away so so fast and they can't catch me]
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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So what do you do when your favourite rapper makes a catchy song about the hardships of life that you want to love but upon release can’t connect with at all and after a few listens almost outright dislike because none of the pain and hardship life has put you through has ever made you a better person or given you the energy/motivation to do better and it actually just did the complete opposite and you’ve lost out on precious years of your life and so many opportunities while trying to process the trauma and undo the damage
But everyone else seems to love the song to the point that you start to wonder if maybe you’re just a fucking idiot for not being able to make something good out of said trauma and hardship instead of just being filled with crippling anxiety and depression and bitterness and grief and rage
#käärijä#yes this is about ruoska#the mental health tanked again this week#sorry to put my ramblings in the main tag but I need someone to tell me I’m not insane for being so uncomfortable with the song#I’ve been nervous to say my full thoughts because people loved it so much and I didn’t want to rain on their parade#and the umk performance and mv were genuinely well done#but it just really hurts#if the metaphorical whip that hurt me was a tangible item I’d fucking shred the thing to pieces#and then burn the remains#so that no one else could ever suffer the same way again#it didn’t push me through life#it made me want to give up on it completely#I’ve been at my happiest and most driven and most fulfilled when I finally got a fucking break from it#one of the opening lines about sitting at the gas station actually triggered a really fucking bad memory I would have loved to forget#it fucking sucks because his songs have brought me so much happiness#a kind I haven’t felt in a long time#and then there’s….this#if nothing else I wanted to love it for Erika’s sake#but I just can’t#am I just misinterpreting the lyrics?#or projecting too much#I probably am#because god I am NOT looking forward to hearing it all though Kä summer camp#and i hate that
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Today is DAY 15/16/18 (one of those) of SUMMER VACATION DEPRESSION SPIRAL.
Like an Olympic athlete I am at PEAK performance.
Perfect scores in Random Crying Jags, Short Term Memory Loss, Disassociating on the Couch, Time Loss is Relative, Shame & Self Loathing, and Social Phobias.
Though the professional organizations of mental health providers attempted to thwart my performance with articles, conference videos, meditations, and medications, I’m pleased to report they have all failed miserably to stop this mental crisis from thriving.
Daily training includes compulsory viewing of television series for 10-16 hour stretches, repeated napping, listless but distracting masturbation sessions, abstaining from showers until your hair hurts, and occasional bouts of random productivity that are instantly forgotten upon completion or abandoned halfway through.
Why are all these tabs open?
What day is it?
How come there are so many competitors in this sport on tumblr?
#all because my parents body shamed me and my doc asked me to make a five year life goal plan#five years? wtf I think about the next holiday and start having panic attacks#what am I looking forward to? what would I like to accomplish or learn? where when who?#THIS me? in this country? with this profession and this comically low salary in his MF economy?#barely paying rent with less than 2K in savings zero safety net?#I have absolutely no optimism left in me it has been squeezed out#mental health#depression#shame spiral#adhd#ocd#manic depression#chronic fatigue#brain fog#this is not what I wanted to do with my summer but also I can’t think of anything else to do#I must face society again soon#another week and I’ll be forced out of this soup by necessity of bills#August is a cruel month
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starting to feel really complicated about the upcoming Finnish production of Moulin Rouge!
#like. on the one hand I'm of course looking forward to it#but on the other hand. well. it's just that this is hardly my first rodeo.#I've seen some of my all-time favourite productions being redone by other theatres before and they're never as good#(with the possible exception of the Karlstad/Jönköping Les Mis I guess)#(but that was all about Alex being my fav + Philip Jalmelid delivering the most out of this world rendition of Stars I'll ever hear)#and then I'm just very prejudiced against the theatre that's staging the Finnish MR!#with one notable exception every musical I've seen on their big stage has felt... just a little bit soulless to me I guess#maybe it's just because that stage is so big and it always feels like theatre set up in an airplane hangar#or maybe it's because the type of audience they attract almost always gives off a certain slightly detached vibe#or maybe it's something about the way they work itself#or maybe it's all three!#but I'm a little worried that though it's by the same director the Finnish MR! experience simply won't compare favorably to the Swedish one#and then there's the weird feeling you get when it comes to these things... or at least *I* get when it comes to these things#if I'm right in my premonitions and I'll walk out thinking it doesn't hold a candle to the Swedish production that is#inevitably Finnish people are going to love the Finnish MR! and praise it because it's a good production no matter what#so then I'll be stuck in that weird mood#where I'll feel like everyone around me is watching the shadow and I'm the only person who's been outside the cave to see the Real Musical#and I know it's stuck up and silly to feel that way! and yet#oh man. just please let me see the u/s Zidler and I'll be too happy to even compare the rest of it to Stockholm#anyway!! I guess this is something I'll need to work through myself as a musical fan before I go see it#also maybe some fanart of the Swedish production? I've honestly been too exhausted the entire spring and summer to even think about that#but I'd like to draw something#maybe one day?#Moulin Rouge! posting
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okay I severely misjudged spaghetti guy he’s actually just really cool
#okay so I came to this flat and he wasn’t here. greeted by a very dirty flat with shit all over the kitchen counters over cling film#I meet first my other flatmate who told me he stays in his room constantly bc of previous bad flatmates#has literally just a saucepan and some salt in the kitchen. so I’m like okay spaghetti guy potentially not great but could just be#how this guy is yknow#on Tuesday I get an email back saying he’s coming back from Norway tonight looking forward to seeing you feel free to use the kitchen sauces#rlly friendly message that I wasn’t expecting. I also didn’t know he’d been on a trip i just knew he wasn’t there bc his door was open#(to a REALLY nice room. multiple rlly nice plants (which he has little care labels for!!!) and it’s tidy and pretty#and he’s got a sheep teddy on the bed)#meanwhile I am in my own head bc I don’t wanna cook in the kitchen until I can clean it and I can’t clean it without moving his shit and#I haven’t seen him yet to talk abt it and I can’t bring myself to talk to him immediately bc I’m dying#and embarrassed as hell by how I’ve been cooking in my room with a microwave and air fryer (loud) and sneaking my shit out of the kitchen#but then yesterday I DO talk to him!! and he’s super friendly!! actually interested in having a conversation and Good at it.#and then he’s cooking and like. spaghetti burns but I’m not there for long and seems to be a mistake (he made the same thing for lunch today#and did Not burn the spaghetti) and is otherwise clearly competent bc the food smells Good and despite leaving a few things out it’s like#washed up stuff isn’t dirty and the sides are better despite still under cling film. more a case that he’s spread out than he’s messy#and now today we talked and i offered to hold onto some shit over summer bc complicated situation that boils down to he’s flying back home#and he cant take all his stuff and had to choose between chucking stuff/having literally nothing this weekend. like sleeping on the sofa etc#and then cleans the whole flat?? which I’m assuming a good chunk is his mess? but he did not need to do that. could’ve easily left#bc there are two people still living here who would’ve had to deal with it and he doesn’t know either at all#and THEN tonight we talk abt food which is fun bc we both ordered stuff. and he offers me some honeydew melon bc he’s been gorging himself#these past two days to finish it before it goes bad/he leaves which is also really sweet#and JUST NOW. I take my headphones out after finishing dinner and hear the sweetest fucking guitar#he plays the gentlest like dreamy sounding acoustic guitar I’ve heard in my life in his room (door closed by the time I leave)#this is actually just a really cool dude#now that the kitchens clear I’m gonna cook tomorrow and will probably offer him some bc otherwise he’s gonna be eating out all weekend#he has extra takeout for tomorrow night but might want smth Sunday#regardless I am just. huh??? left a bit stunned bc of the u turn my opinion of this guy has taken. bc my opinion of him was a reflection#of my discomfort moving to this weird dirty basement flat with two people I didn’t know#well. idk where to go from here. I think I’ll start by talking to him more this weekend. bc holy fucking shit.#luke.txt
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these guys are still very much in progress but I am having quite a lot of fun with them. I want to make another giant bug painting for my wall tho - need to go dumpster diving for giant sheets of cardboard
#i am NOT graduating this semester and it is FINE#I've actually been very responsible in the midst of my academic woes about making sure I can retake some stuff this summer#but it's gonna all be okay it's not the end of the world to take an extra few months to finish school#im HUGELY looking forward to having the next bit of time where I no longer have graduation looming over my head#srsly tho logistics SUCKS#mine
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"why do I feel so weird and awful" says man who already made a post half an hour ago that included the reasons he feels weird and awful
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#I'm trying to work out if I need a fun distraction or if I need to do something cathartic instead#I feel strange in a way I can't quite place. I think I might be having emotional flashbacks#and I'm not like... upset at the moment? but I feel like in a couple of hours I'm gonna be hit with emotions I don't want to deal with#there's a very specific feeling that I can't seem to describe in any normal way which might mean I need to write poetry about it instead#something about summer evenings seems to fuck us up sometimes and it's just occurred to me that I think we write more poems in summer#and I only just noticed this pattern because I think we got to the start of summer last year#and started writing poems about how much the summer fucks us up#the thing is I like summer and I've been looking forward to it but it also comes with this kind of weird nostalgic feeling#and it ends up being really bittersweet#it's like that quote or post or whatever about August giving you some of the most beautiful but bittersweet moments of your life#every so often I'm like ''okay I say we get summer depression and winter depression but we're depressed all the time#so are we really getting special kinds of depression in summer and winter?'' and then I get to like June and November#and I'm like ''oh okay yeah no this is a different feeling to the background level of depression we have''#this fucks us up in new and exciting ways that I don't want to fucking deal with but will do anyway because I don't have a choice
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after surgery i'm buying myself pentiment goddamnit
#reasons to live#also new doctor who episodes#i've been wanting to play for soooo long but haven't really had the money to spend#so i'm using this as an excuse#trying to focus on all the fun/good/cool things that i can do after#seeing hozier later in the summer#watching the wild flowers come up in the backyard#this is hell but i will get through it and there WILL be an other side i will make sure of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#there's a chance we can get it done tomorrow if the doctor thinks it won't be super complicated#i hope we can cause the longer this goes the more we suffer#i just want it to be over#once i'm all healed i am going to smoke a cigarette and savor every fucking puff i haven't been able to smoke for over a k month now :/#another thing to look forward too#and i think i have a vinyl preordered???? am can never remember what other parts have bought#oh and i'm going to binge rewatch the hunger games (all of them) after surgery#been meaning to do that & im using this as an excuse to do nothing but watch movies all day#got some audiobooks downloaded that hopefully they'll let me listen to during (unless it's going to be loud (??) then i have music)#i'm taking my puppy stuffie husband got me when we had to live apart for a summer before we got married#puppy is so special to me#he goes everywhere with me#i love him so much#i would just hold him and cry and cry and cry when husband had to leave :((((#i am so scared#there's so many young parts too who are just i mean they are the ones holding a lot of this shit like i cant imagine what it's like for the#the little bit that leaks through to me is horrific and makes me want to fucking vomit#i'm worried for them#they're splitting bad :((( and i don't have any way to help#we're doing our tapping and tre and everything but idk how much that helps on the inside#idk man#it's all so much
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im sooooo wishy washy when it fomes to friendships
#txt#oh well.. goodnight#and i hope youre all looking forward to the murdoc may month of mucky murdy madness#because may and june are HIS months and summer is HIS season#and i will be going crazy#and i will be drawing and talking abt gim every day#because i have been SLACKING on my DUTIES as a LOVING SPOUSE.#this is my WIFE. my NUMBER ONE FAVOURITE CHARACTER OF ALL TIME. AND THE MAJORITY OF YOU ONLY KNOW ME AND PETE.#listen. murdoc and i are for lifers#six years this month. SIX YEARS#heres ro another SIXTY
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#caint sleep because my brain wont shut off and also because its super hot#i just keep. thinking#a lot of it is fake scenarios of telling people off that i hate#other topics include: mentally applying to jobs. worrying about my financial state. remembering how much i love my animals#fantasy high. my summer camp job (a loooot of that). my friend that i have a crush on. my rats being incredibly loud#and more! and then it is so fucking hot in my room. like its all boiling. i might be dying of heat (not actually)#but it was raining earlier so i couldn't open my window (i just opened it so im dying less) and we dont have the ac on and i dont own a fan#its a difficult life that i lead#but most importantly: im moving in less than a month. back to my hometown. and im truly not prepared#very much not packed. the place is in a state of disrepair. its unclean#very sleepy. tired. overwhelmed. etc#but its okay! its all gonna be okay. there are things to look forward to and things that make it okay#in a few weeks im meeting one of my oldest friends who is also a tumblr mutual. i didnt know that could happen. but its happening!#so theres that. and also i have a friend i havent seen in a year but we're gonna be working together this summer!! i get to spend#the whole summer with her! and i have animals that i love. and birds exist. and i have a lot of cool friends#and i live with my sibling who is also moving so that's someone to share the burden with#so its all gonna be okay. it just never feels like that when its 6am and youve been trying to sleep for two hours but cant#okay have a good night everyone i love you
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sometimes i think the only time i ever felt true peace was when i was home from college on summer break. i'd be awake all night in my room, brightly colored and filled with thrifted items that had no purpose but to be beautiful. i'd have the window open and a cool summer breeze would ruffle my thin curtains. the streetlight across the street was warm on the asphalt and never flickered. i'd scroll through blogs on here for hours, or read, or write, maybe listening to music about what a good life it is, and i'd imagine how my future would be, how everything would get so much better. sometimes my old cat would be in bed with me, purring. i would give anything to be back there
#Personal#I was miserable as a teenager but if there's anything at all I miss#It was the feeling that my life still had somewhere to go#I'd never dated never been kissed I had so much romance to explore!#I'd go to college and get my own place! I'd dress the way I want!#Now I'm almost 30 and life is just. Going to be like this for the next 50 years. The surprises are gone#I don't look forward to the future. Don't dread it either I guess it's just. It is what it is#Those summer 3ams where I was the only one awake... everything felt full of possibility
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