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#been reading fanfics for roughly 17 years now and i still get that feeling
mikeysgerard · 1 year
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You ever clutch your phone to your chest whenever you finish reading a fanfic and you're like, sighing and thinking "yeah, that one's gonna stay with me forever" and smile all content and happy to yourself because you just read the most amazing thing on earth
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enfant-du-fleurs · 2 years
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on the horns of a dilemma part 1 // Jake Kiszka x Female Reader
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WARNINGS: angst, strong language, cheating, mention of alcohol and other substances.
NOTE: Hi! Well, as you all can see, this is my first fanfiction EVER, so maybe this could be very shitty, but I put all my blood, sweat and tears on this, and I’m not joking with putting my tears on this because I was crying meanwhile I was writing this, so… enjoy it. Also, english is not my first language but if I write my fanfics in my language... nobody is going to read it, so pardon me if there is a mistake c: There is A LOT of songs references.
Words: +11,000
Pairing: Jake Kiszka x Female Reader
SUMMARY: Jake is one of your closest friends since you were on middle school, they have grown up together, but you always had a crush on him, you never considered yourself attractive enough to be with him. Now, Jake is getting married and you're realizing that maybe if you had been a little braver a while ago, things would be very different. Everyone is tangled up on the horns of a dilemma.
PLAYLIST
SEE YOU SOON – BEABADOOBEE
I WILL - MITSKI
MOON SONG – PHOEBE BRIDGERS
ANNA (GO TO HIM) – THE BEATLES
THE WINNER TAKES IT ALL (COVER)– CARLA BRUNI
KNOWING ME, KNOWING YOU (COVER) – ANGIE MCMAHON
CRY – CIGARRETTES AFTER SEX
BACK TO THE OLD HOUSE – THE SMITHS
TAKE CARE – BEACH HOUSE
I'D HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT - LEITH ROSS
WIFE – MITSKI
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Y/N’s POV:
Dear Diary,
Here I am after about... 13 years, maybe? Maybe more. I'm an adult now and I feel stupid to write here again, but maybe that's what I need, because if I tell this to someone in my circle of friends, they will surely see me as the most horrible and dumbest person in the world, although maybe I am.
As I had already written a long time ago, I've always loved Jake, perhaps when I met him, I only appreciated him as a good friend, but over time, Jake inevitably won my heart. When I was about 15 years old, I was finally able to accept that I liked Jake, but I didn't want to say or do anything about it, I didn't want to damage our friendship because it was one of the most important things to me after growing up a bit alone in such a small town. I just didn't want to lose him.
In addition to the fact that I never consider myself pretty enough for him to like me, because… he was always a very handsome boy, he got along with everyone and had many girls behind him, but the best of all is the way he treats everyone, always friendly, looking into your eyes, paying attention to every word and movement, these details made many people (like me) fall at their feet. Their girlfriends were gorgeous and I... I was just like the song; I was a teenage dirtbag compared to all of them.
I saw him fall in love many times, I listened to him every time he told me about some girl he liked, as well as every time his heart was broken even though mine was five times more broken, but I always had a piece of advice to tell him. There was a time when Jake would ask me a lot if I liked someone, but I always told him that no one in particular, always tried to change the subject of the conversation by making the worst jokes that could exist. He also saw me have some "romantic" approaches with other people, but nothing serious, in fact, I've always tried not to tell him if I liked someone, because I could never fall in love in the full sense of the word with someone other than him.
One time, when we were... roughly 16 or 17 years old, we were at an "underground" party with Josh (it was our first party of many) where we ended up terribly drunk. I still don't understand how the police never arrested us for possession of alcohol. Well... that's not the point, the important thing here is that on that day, precisely on that day, on a random May 16, he gave me a long, passionate kiss out of nowhere, he took my face in his hands, walked over without warning, and just kissed me. Why did he kiss me? He did it because he was... drunk, as far as I know, that’s why he did it, not because he had feelings for me, even Josh was shocked by that, but I remember being petrified processing what the hell was going on. The next day I had asked Jake if he remembered what had happened at the party, but he was sure he didn't. The answer was clear, he was never attracted to me.
Just as I watched Jake grow up and he watched me grow up, I also saw how his dreams were coming true, he was finally living his best life, he had the band of his dreams along with his friend and brothers. What more could he ask for? I was happy for him, genuinely happy to see him on stage shining with his family because yes, Danny was his brother too. I attended almost all the concerts of the band and I was moved in the same way because it filled me with pride to see him at school events, then in bars to huge venues, it's something indescribable and priceless.
Now... why did I do a little recap? the problem (well, at least for me it is a problem) is that obviously a lot of time has passed and although I repeatedly had the opportunity to tell Jake how I feel, but I just never had the guts to tell him and the big problem with this is that... he is going to get married in a couple of months, he hasn't told me personally yet, in fact I found out through Josh a couple of hours ago, I don't know why Jake hasn't told me yet and I'd rather not know, but anyway tomorrow we'll go to a cafe to have breakfast, well… we are no longer young enough to spend a whole night glued to the bar, we can’t  resist the same amount of alcohol in contrast to everything we used to drink when we were younger, although it’s not like we are extremely old now, but… is not the same as it was.
He has been with his girlfriend for a long time, I know her, she’s an angel, a very nice person and... I understand why Jake loves her so much, she is intelligent, nice, beautiful and is the type of person that makes you feel calm. As much as I want to, I can't hate her. I never saw her as competition because that idea seems absurd to me, besides there is no point of comparison, Jake is the Sun, she is the Moon and I am not even a star, they complement each other quite well.
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The next day, you went to the usual cafe in downtown Nashville, you were a little late and worried about leaving Jake waiting for so long, but when you entered the cafe, you didn't see him at first glance, which crushed your heart, but after looking closely, at the most hidden table, you identified his back. Despite the years, he kept his long hair, that day his hair was slicked back, and he was wearing his white cropped shirt. The years still didn't pass through his face. By this time, Jake had already removed his mustache, so he looked like he was back in his early 20s.
You gave him a little pat on the shoulder and proceeded to sit in front of him; seeing you, he greeted you with a friendly smile.
“Forgive me for being so late, I hope you didn't have to wait so long” you said while you noticed a peculiar shine in his eyes.
“Bah, don’t worry, If you took a hundred years to arrive, I would stay waiting for you all those hundred years” His answer made you feel a slight tingling in your stomach just like when you were a teenager “You are my best friend, I would wait for you as long as it was and especially because I have something magnificent to tell you” continued breaking all the charm, again -the best friend-.
“Oh yeah, well, go ahead” you said with a low-key forced smile.
“Okay, but first… let's eat something, I already ordered some pancakes, you just need to order something”
The waitress came over so you could order your breakfast; since your stomach hurt from being nervous, you only ordered a small sandwich and chamomile tea. As you and Jake ate, you kept glancing at him to see if he noticed you were looking at him and tell you why you were having breakfast together, you knew very well that it was to tell you about his wedding, you wanted to hear it come out of his mouth, but at the same time... you also wanted him not to say it and instead of inviting you to his wedding, you wanted him to tell you that his relationship with his partner had finished and then escape together from the cafeteria riding a horse with a golden mane, although you knew perfectly well that it was something very far from reality since he was apparently madly in love with his future wife. Even though you loved him, you felt bad for even imagining in the silliest way that he might change his mind about the wedding.
Jake lost his gaze in your tea to take a deep breath.
"Remember when... we said we hated Tears in Heaven?" he asked you meanwhile a giggle came out from his mouth.
Your eyes widened like two blooming flowers upon hearing his question and you answered serenely accompanied by a goofy smile "Of course I remember. And to think that Eric Clapton has praised you many times, only if he knew."
"It's that we had heard it so many times until we hated it."
“Yeah... but it's sad that baby died.” you took a sip of your tea taking away your gaze from him.
There was a moment of silence again, but Jake broke it with a sigh, "We've grown up together and we've come so far. Who knew we'd do so well in life? You as a journalist and me as a musician, everything is amazing, looking back at the things we've accomplished and now that we're in our early thirties...time goes by so fast."
"It's been a long time... now we're two adults who are doing... well, you're doing great."
"You're doing amazing too, you're one of the most recognized journalists in America."
You blushed letting out a shy smile that gradually faded "Well yes... but, I don't know, lately I haven't been feeling all that well emotionally. Sometimes I want to forget everything."
Jake frowned at your last words "Why? Is there something you want to talk about?" he leaned towards you and was looking for your gaze even though he sensed that you didn't want to look him in the eye.
"It's just... I don't even know why I feel like this" you lied "I think now I'm regretting not having done many things when I had the opportunity to do it" your gaze was lost to avoid eye contact, but Jake’s gaze was so piercing that it was hard not to see his eyes “But I don't want to ruin our breakfast so...”
"If you need to tell me something, I'll always be there for you, it doesn't matter if it's something silly for you, I'll always listen to you" he rubbed his thumb against the back of your cold hand, although you wanted to have physical contact with him, you slowly removed your hand. He was a little disappointed that you took your hand away from him, but on one hand he understood and continued "Well, we better change the subject of the conversation, don't you think?" you nodded and he continued "So... I told you to come here to tell you something extremely" this was where you realized that he was going to tell you what you already knew when you saw how his eyes lit up and his cheeks were pink; he looked genuinely happy "I haven't told you because like I told you…I can't process it but…I'm getting married!"
You feigned astonishment as you took another sip of your tea, but your heart was being crushed. As you set the cup down on the table, you looked up to meet Jake's eyes with a smile that hid pain. "Oh, Jakey. That's great! When is the wedding?"
"I knew you would be happy!" he took a sip of his tea "It will be May 16, but it won't be here, it will be in Scotland. Of course, you are invited, in fact, I would like you to help me a little with the organization"
When you heard the wedding date, you felt an emptiness in your chest and your eyes quickly began to fill with tears. The desire to cry betrayed you and began to fall from your eyes.
“Oh my god, Y/N! Are you okay?” he asked tenderly.
"Yes, yes, of course I am, I'm just... I'm very happy for you and I'm crying with happiness. That's it" once again you lied and tried to wipe away your tears.
Jake showed his perfect smile again that could collide the whole town "You had scared me for a moment" he giggled "But it makes me happy that you are happy and especially for accompanying me in important moments."
You couldn't feel bad about him, you couldn't hate him, or his fiancée, but you did hate the fact that things could be different.
While Jake was eating his breakfast calmly, you hurried to finish yours, you didn't want to be there with him anymore because you were going to keep crying and that was going to worry him.
Once you finished your sandwich and your tea you said "Well... my good old FRIEND" you made a clear emphasis on the word friend "I have to go because I have to prepare for an interview with... Tom Hiddleston, so that... I am very happy to see you and see that you are well and especially that you are getting married. As for your proposal to help you with the organization, I will have to check it and as soon as I know if I am not so busy, I will tell you" you asked for the bill of what you ate and as fast as you could... you left the cafe, not even Jake could tell you "goodbye" and on the one hand, that's how you wanted it to be because you didn't want to hear a "goodbye" from him. Also, about the interview with Tom Hiddleston, it was also fake but not impossible and you wanted to make him a little bit jealous since he knew how much you liked Tom Hiddleston when you were younger. Jake noticed that something wasn't right when he saw that later you didn't react the way he wanted, but far from feeling angry, he was very worried about you. He was hurt to see how gradually your behavior from "crying for happiness" changed to literally running away from there.
Once outside, you ran to your car and headed home. You didn't want to know anything about anyone. It was all so overwhelming it just made you want to kick Nashville to hell, be quiet and drive away.
_____________________________________________________________
­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Y/N’s POV:
Dear Diary.
It’s me Y/N again being ridiculous and childish as always.
I went to breakfast with Jake to give me the damn news that he's getting married. He just wanted to see me there to tell me that he will have his wedding, he also wants me to help him with the organization and honestly, I can't do it, I couldn't bear to see him again, I feel so heartbroken and embarrassed by how I acted. I felt bad for having lied to him so many times in just one day.
I know I'm being fucking selfish, I know, but I've spent a lot of time hiding my feelings for fear of losing him and now I'm losing his friendship for being weird and losing him at the same time. I feel so stupid because I don't understand why I'm reacting this way right now as an adult, because honestly with all these negative feelings, I feel like when I was in high school, and I saw him with his girlfriend from back then.
It's impossible to hate them and I never will, it's impossible, they're both so lovely but they hurt me, but do you know what triggered my crying to come out? It was the damn date, the same day that Jake ever kissed me, that same day but from now...he's getting married. It disappoints me to know that day was only important to me, but I can't do anything about it, I can't force him to love me and after all... he deserves to be happy.
I don't know if I'll be able to attend his wedding, but I definitely won't be able to help him to organize it. I'll see what excuse I'll come up with to keep my distance. I know what I'm going to do is horrible, but I need to do something for the sake of my emotional stability.
______________________________________________________________
­­­­­­­­ To "calm down a bit", you spent the rest of the morning and afternoon watching movies like "My Best Friend's Wedding" and other romcoms to maybe comfort yourself a bit. You wanted to fool yourself that there was a chance you could cancel all plans and stay with Jake.
At some point in their friendship, they had said that if they both stayed single, they would get married and be together because they got along quite well, but the paths of life are not always as we want and although there were always people in love with you, you were always the maid of honor but never the bride.
When the sun set, you took the beer out of your fridge and gave in to the urge to drink one after another until you were completely drunk, although you were always aware of your actions while you were under the influence of alcohol, this time you stopped worrying about what you would do, you were so drunk that you bawled the lyrics of all those songs that expressed your pain, from Dolly Parton to The Smiths with "Back To The Old House", returning with ABBA and for the punchline: "Anna" by The Beatles. What you needed most was a hug and although anyone could give you a simple hug, you needed to feel the warm arms of your beloved Jake around you, but his hugs didn’t belong to you, they belonged to someone else, and it had always been that way. Your phone started ringing over and over again, checking who was calling you saw that the one calling you was Jake. You didn't feel like talking and you felt sorry that he realized you were crying.
"Jake?" you took the call "What happened? Do you need anything?" you asked letting out a tiny sob.
On the other end of the phone, Jake noticed that you were sobbing "Are you okay? It's just... I'm calling to ask if you're okay, I heard a weird sound and, in the morning, at breakfast, you left very quickly. You were fine and then... you left me"
When he said the last thing, your heart was crushed and you remained silent although the alcohol was nothing to cause you to confess everything, your brain was reluctant to say anything inappropriate "Oh... it's that... I told you, I had many things... to... do" your voice betrayed the amount of alcohol you were drinking "and... I had to... go"
"Are you drunk?"
"Um... kinda. Why?"
"Y/N, I've known you for a long time, obviously I'll know when you're drunk... and without me"
Jake tried to joke, but instead of making you laugh it made you sadder.
"Yes... I'm drunk, terribly drunk and yes, I'm also crying over a stupid movie. You know how sensitive I am"
Jake chuckled. "What movie are you watching?"
"Nope, I'm not going to tell you the name of this fucking movie, I don't want to ruin your day, or your week, or your month, or your life..."
"Okay? Well... I just wanted to know how you were because I was intrigued by what happened this morning and I even got upset and thought that you were mad or that I had done something that bothered you... next time you get drunk, invite me over, okay?"
"Yes Jacob... it's fine, I'll buy the drinks next time" your breathing (now calmer) could be heard.
"So... Are you sure you’re okay?"
"Yes... I am. Why? I already told you why I was crying"
"No, no, not for nothing" he sighed "I think... it's time to hang up. Anything you need I'm just a phone call or text away from you, well… you know. So bye!"
You wiped your nose with the back of your hand "Okay, I'll call you later" you moved the phone away from your ear and hung up.
Talking with him was relaxing, especially since he didn't mention anything about his wedding, apart from the fact that he had cared for you, it was very comforting to know that although his heart belonged to someone else, he would always be there for you.
Although you had kept your feelings to yourself for YEARS and had already seen him with several couples throughout this year, you had never been so scared and so sad as now. You needed immediate advice, but you were too embarrassed to give the context.
The first person you thought of was Josh, just like Jake, knows each other very well and was always close, plus you were sure that he suspected about your feelings towards his twin since the day of that mythical kiss. Either way, he was going to find out.
You texted Josh to come over telling them you needed some advice, he always had something to tell you and his advice was good thanks to his honesty, sometimes it hurt and many times it was far from what you wanted to hear, but without a doubt... it was what you had to do, and even if his mouth was full of reason, though that didn't mean you always put his advice into practice.
Josh responded quickly and agreed to come to your house, luckily his house wasn't far from yours, so it didn't take him long to get there. Once in your house, when you opened the door, he saw your red and swollen eyes, he felt your sadness and without further ado, he gave you the warmest hug that your heart needed.
"What happened?" you separated from him so that he could go inside the house.
Once inside and the two of you sitting in different armchairs you collapsed in tears "It's just... I feel so selfish for feeling like this, I should be happy and not feel so miserable."
"But if it's making you feel bad, I think it's better to let what you feel out, don't you think?"
"Just… please, I know I'm going to sound stupid, and I don't want you to judge me."
"Why should I judge you? I'm here for a reason and it's not the first time you trust me with something."
You took a deep breath to prepare yourself for what you were going to say since that would be the first time you would say it out loud and to someone else "The thing is that... it's that... I love Jake and always It's been like that but I'm a horrible person who never had the guts to tell him. Now he's going to marry a wonderful woman and he'll never know how much I love him."
Josh was extremely surprised at your confession; both of his eyes were wide open that it seemed that at any moment they would pop out “Damn...” He was silent for a few seconds to be able to process the information "I just don't know what to tell you this time and it must be one of the most horrible feelings. Why didn't you say anything to him?"
"Because I'm a coward... just because of that, because I was always embarrassed to tell him. Seeing him as he almost always got away with beautiful and intelligent girls, there was simply no chance for me, so I just watched as he was happy."
"I don't know if it's appropriate to tell you this right now" Josh sighed "but maybe if you had told him before, things would be extremely different now. Don't tell him that I told you, but some years ago he had feelings for you too, he told me almost every night, but he never did anything about it because even though you are his best friend, he always felt that you were a little cold, so he was afraid of being rejected and throwing the friendship away” he rolled his eyes “Fuck, you two are so dumb as hell. I bet if he finds out about this he's going to collapse."
"Collapse in what sense?" you said between sobs.
"Collapse in the sense that he's going to feel like an idiot" he covered his face with both hands.
"And if he loved me too, why didn't he do anything? Why did he go with other girls? Was I only his second choice? I have so many questions... that the more I think, the more it hurts."
"It's not like you were second choice to him, just that he's a cowardly fool, plus if I had no idea about you liked him, I'll bet my throat and left foot he has no idea either."
"I believe you, but it's hard for me to understand because even the date of his wedding will be on very special dat, at least for me"
"May 16" you said at the same time.
"See, you do remember that party and he doesn't, he never remembered that he kissed me"
"I had understood that at some point you two had kissed, but... I don't know why he chose that day specifically"
"Because he doesn't remember and maybe he did it before, but nowadays, I assure you that he doesn't remember"
"Assuming he finds out about this. Would you like him to dump his girlfriend?"
You kept silent because if you said yes, you were afraid Josh thinking badly of you "No, I don't want that to happen. I just want him to be happy and knowing him, knowing me, I think the best thing would be go away from him, it would be the best thing I can do, for my mental health, for his happiness and mine too. It wouldn't be fair to his fiancée if he left her on the eve of something so important."
"Sometimes you put others above yourself and that makes you not be honest with yourself, but I get it and if you think go away from Jake would make you feel better, it’s okay." he sat next to you to give you a hug again "Of course we would miss you a lot, but it's very understandable." he rubbed your shoulder with his strong hand.
"I would miss you guys a lot too" you sobbed "and in fact, I'm not going to attend their wedding or maybe I'll go for a while, but I don't think I can stand it. To make matters worse, he asked me to help him with the organization, but... I don't know how to tell him no because I don't want to lie to him anymore, that was enough lies, today I told him I had to interview Tom Hiddleston to get away from him."
"Why don't you write him a letter? You're good at writing and maybe it's easier for you to write about you feel than to tell him"
"Well... that would be less humiliating, but I think I would have to find the most prudent moment to give it to him"
You two continued the conversation, Josh made you laugh but sometimes the crying came back and you cursed yourself because you felt your behavior was childish but Josh made you understand that your feelings were valid, after all you spent SO MANY years holding them back and at some point moment, like a bomb, they were going to explode, and although some people say that time heals all, time never healed your love for Jake.
When Josh left, you were already calmer, down to earth and you didn't feel dizzy either, so you took a blank sheet of paper and a pencil, it was here where you would leave all your love for Jake.
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­­­­­­­­­­­­Dear Jacob,
First, I want to thank you for so many years of friendship, for so many experiences together, drunkenness, concerts, sad moments and of course, happy moments. I'm glad to know how much we spent together.
I recently found out that at some point, you used to feel something for me, something more that you wouldn't feel for a friend, but you never said anything because you were afraid that I would reject you, although that didn’t stop you from going your way. For better or worse, these feelings...were and are mutual to this day, however, my pride never let me be honest even with myself, and I didn't have the guts to tell you face to face either, but now it's too late.
This letter is not to reproach you or complain, but this is to tell you how much I love you and that I want you to be happy, but just as I want you to be happy, I also want to be happy too after repressing my feelings and desires for a very long time, so it's my time to go. Although we are adults, I want you to know I need time to grow and to exist. I don't want you to feel guilty, finally the one who fell in love was me.
I want to leave you in peace because you deserve to be happy, you and your fiancée are two amazing people who deserve everything, I want your dreams to continue to come true, that your life with her is prosperous and that the love you have between you stays strong. I don't know how long I'll be gone, but please don't look for me, I just know that I'll come back at the right time. I’ll take advantage of this trip to grow emotionally and professionally, I think I will be in Latin America to continue doing my job as a journalist. But please, again I implore you not to look for me, we both must live and continue our lives.
As you can guess, I won’t be able to assist to your wedding, I know that you are probably thinking that I am selfish, but I’m doing this for the good of both of us, it wouldn’t be healthy even for you
Promise me you'll be fine and happy.
Without more to say, thank you for everything, I will always be grateful to you, and I understand that things happen for a reason, and I love you, I love you so much that that is why I am leaving you so that we can exist.
I have no hard feelings, so... I’ll let you go, and I love you Jacob, but you're not mine.
See you soon.
Sincerely, Y/N
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While you were writing, the tears were present, remembering every beautiful moment you had with him, from the time he sang to you on your birthday with his beautiful smile, the first concert you attended together, the prom, when he announced that a label record company offered them a contract. Thanks to the friendship between you and Jake, you learned a lot of things, you lived the most wonderful experiences, but it was time to close cycles, perhaps in Latin America you would find another vision of things, start over, and maybe meet another person with whom to share beautiful moments as well as with Jake, but with reciprocated feelings for the other.
You decided to go to sleep because you had that tired feeling that comes after crying a lot. What motivated you a little bit was thinking that tomorrow would be a different day and that anything could await you. Although it was difficult to admit it, there was still a small hope that Jake would tell you that all this time he has loved you with madness and passion, even if it sounded silly and fanciful.
After sleeping like a baby, you woke up tangled with the sheets of your bed, you felt your pillow a little wet, you thought it could have been your saliva, but it was because even when you were asleep you cried a little.
You rubbed your eyes to see a little clearer and thus get up, once out of bed, you immediately went for a glass of water. You took your phone and there were several missed calls from Jake, when you saw the notifications, you felt your stomach shrink and you were even tempted not to call him back to unsettle him a bit, but you couldn't do that kind of thing to him.
“Hi, what’s up?” you greeted.
"Are you okay? Are you feeling okay?"
"Jacob, I don't know what you're talking about. Why do you say that?" you were really disconcerted because although obviously you weren't well, it was strange that he was worried out of nowhere.
"Oh…it's just, well, I'm not supposed to tell you this" he paused a bit.
"Tell me what?"
"It's just...I was talking to Josh last night and honestly...we were talking about you for most of the call. He's worried about you, he told me he'd been to see you and that you looked really bad, like sick and depressed, so I told him that it made sense because I told him what happened at the cafe"
You started to worry because you thought Josh had ratted you out, but you decided not to go any further.
"Did he tell you just that?"
"Yes, it was just that. Why?"
"No, no, it's just... he has a point"
"Y/N, please how can I help you? I'm shocked and worried for you as you have no idea"
You didn't answer, you stayed silent, and you could only hear how you were breathing. You wanted to cry, but you were able to contain your tears.
"It's just... emotionally I haven't felt good, I'm far from feeling good and I've repressed myself for a long time to the point that it's affecting me mentally"
"If you want to tell me something specific, I'm here, I listen to you and if you want, I can drive you home. Whatever you need"
"I have many things to tell you, there are many things you should know but now is not the right time" you sighed "Is that why you called me?"
"Oh... well, in this case, I understand that you don't want to talk about this right now, but when you tell me we can meet" you imagined his smile at that moment "and yes, I called you precisely because of that, also I felt that our last call was a biting and I got even more concerned about what Josh told me."
"Oh, sorry if I sounded rude or something, but I really wasn't very open to talking to you."
"Did I do or say something to upset you?"
"I don't want to go into details, but it's not something you need to worry about. In fact, I have something to give you as soon as possible."
"Well, I have the night off tonight, we could have a drink. If you want, I could ask my fiancée to join us and spend quality time the three of us"
You rolled your eyes because the last thing you wanted was for someone else to be there, you just wanted to have time with him, alone "Come on Jake, I don't want to be the third wheel" you snorted.
"But it's not the first time we'd do it, we did a double date once, do you remember? You were with that guy who was a Weezer fan"
"Pff... that happened a long time ago" you forced a giggle "of course I remember, but you said it yourself, it was a double date and now I would go completely alone. I would feel more comfortable if it was just the two of us. I don't have nothing against her, but it's something a little... more personal"
"Okay? I think I know where this is going"
"No Jake, you have no idea, I bet you"
Jake laughed "It's not like you're going to tell me that all this time you were in love with me, you're so unpredictable that I could expect anything but that from you"
The slight smile that was on your face was disappearing, sometimes you felt like pushing him or kicking his butt because of how silly he was, finally you didn't expect much because even though he was cute and you loved him a lot, he was a man.
"Don't get your hopes up, Jake" you tried to joke although you were discouraged "but aside from any joke or whatever you think it is... it's something extremely important, almost confidential, but as I told you, I won't give you more details"
"Okay, okay, I get it" he made his usual giggle that made you feel butterflies in your stomach "At the usual bar?"
"Yep, the usual bar"
Throughout the day you were checking flights to Argentina, Brazil, Chile and Mexico, it distracted you a little from the pain to decide which country you would go to start over. You finally chose to go to Mexico since you had family there and that way you wouldn't be so alone.
You were constantly stopping to think if what you were doing was the right thing, you even considered that you were being very impulsive, but you couldn't keep holding back like that either. It was now or never. You finally bought your ticket to Mexico City at 10:30am for tomorrow. After buying your ticket, you were looking for an Airbnb to stay for a week while you got an apartment and work there. Maybe you were being a little impulsive, but you knew it was best for Jake and you.
You were looking forward to the night, but your stomach hurt a little from the nerves, however it was something controllable. You planned almost everything you would say to him to avoid any undesirable situation, even if you were already in an undesirable situation. You most likely knew things weren't going to go your way, but you still stuck to your "plan."
Basically, your plan was to extend the conversation and just before leaving, you were going to give him your letter explaining that he had to read it when he was calm and comfortable, that it was not necessary for him to read at that moment, but alone.
It was time to go to the bar, you didn't try to get ready, it was just a pair of mom jeans, a plain black long-sleeved shirt, a cardigan, and a red scarf, it wasn't really cold, but you liked your scarf, besides that made you feel protected at times like these. Also, your makeup was very simple, you just put a little eyeliner that adorned your sad eyes. You took your letter and put it in an envelope, it had no decoration or anything like that, you just sprayed a little of your usual perfume so that it would not be something so apparently simple, because what really mattered was each word that was written on the sheet of paper.
On the way, you were playing with your fingers, also every so often you were rubbing your hands on your lap to remove the sweat from them. The driver saw you so nervous that he avoided making conversation with you, a gesture that you appreciated with a generous five stars as a review.
From outside you could hear the band that played that night in the bar, it was a cover band that didn't sound bad. By this time, Greta Van Fleet were already among the most popular bands in the United States, so it was common to hear everywhere followed by songs by Aerosmith, Queen and other rock greats, so you could hear from the parking lot that they were playing "Highway Tune", you immediately thought that if Jake was already inside, he was probably with a smile full of pride... or maybe he was carefully observing every movement of the guitarist to see if he was doing it right.  
You stopped before you texted Jake to see if he was here yet, if so he would probably be at the farthest table so it was important to know where he was. He took a while to answer you, but he had told you that he was indeed already at the bar.
Once inside, you looked for the table next to the window on the left side and there he was, he looked... calm and that's how you wanted to remember him.
He was watching you, his face lit up with a smile like that of a child who sees his mother after a long day at school.
"Y/N, it's good that you're here! I'm all ears, tell me what you want. Shall I ask you for something?"
"Jake! Wait, I'll go to ask for my drink, I'll be right back" you left your bag on the chair where you were going to sit and quickly went to order a rum and coke without ice and preferably more rum than coke. Once you had it in your hands, you took a sip and said to yourself "Tonight is going to be worth it if it's going to be our last night" when you returned to your place, you settled in front of Jake and gave him a look full of nostalgia.
"Hey Y/N What's up? Why are you looking at me like that?" he said worried as the band played "Anna" by the Beatles.
"It's just... all this fills me with nostalgia, and I would like things to be like before"
"But it hasn't been long since we last went out drinking with the boys."
"No, it's not that" you took a sip from your glass "I mean something else, we are becoming more and more adults and our lives are taking a different course due to small actions of the past"
"Why?" He took a long drink from his beer.
"It's just... every day I regret more of what I didn't do before and that makes me so sick that it's affecting my relationship with other people, even... with you" you took off your scarf and left it on the back of the chair.
"If so, I think you do not have to worry, we have so many years of friendship, we know everything about each other, we have listened to each other so much. Honestly, many of the best things would not have happened to me if I hadn't met you, in fact Greta Van Fleet wouldn't have had the same popularity that we have now" he smiled and took another drink, now shorter "now that I'm saying this, do you remember when everyone said that we were going to end up married?"
Your eyes widened like a pair of white plates and you shook your head, obviously you remembered perfectly well, but you pretended you didn't.
"They always thought that at some point we would end up together or something and look at us now. Our friendship will last until the end of the world, so if you feel bad... just tell me” You wanted to be angry with him for saying things so hurtful to you, but you couldn't be mad at him for two simple reasons: one, he had no idea how you felt about him and two, he was Jake.
"Jake, look, I have a lot of things to tell you, you have no idea how much I want to tell you everything that has me wrong, but it will be a little later, right now I want to clear my head, I know that we are here together to talk about what worries me , but first I want to be... happy because this may be the last time I see you"
Jacob immediately put on the most serious face you've ever seen "How could this be the last time I see you? What are you going to do?"
"Remember I told you I had something for you?"
He nodded.
"Well, it has something to do with -it-"
"But what about my wedding?" he paused with an incredulous face "Ah, I think I know where this is going! Surely it has something to do with my bachelor party, right?"
You wanted to slap him and tell him everything at once, but you just shrugged your shoulders with a forced smile. The band now played something more relaxed, they opted to play an acoustic version of Juliet by Cavetown.
"Well, that doesn't matter right now, we're going to drink in the wildest way possible like in our old days" Jake said lifting his beer.
"Like pirates?" you asked with a tender but melancholic gaze.
"Like Pirates"
Beer after beer and rum after rum, you laughed at every nonsense word that sounded funny in your head, it really was like going back in time to when you were about 23 years old and going from bar to bar in different countries to have a good time along with the rest of the band. Although going out with them was frequent, the outings with them became more and more serious, it was no longer for fun, they were already to relieve stress and due to the responsibilities of each one, it was already more difficult to meet with the whole band.
"Hey Jake, does she have a problem with you getting drunk with me?"
Jake snorted and slowly answered "No, not at all…she knows…and she trusts you a lot"
They soon drifted off topic and continued talking about the absurd things of their day to day, even Jake let it slip to tell you that his fiancée was sometimes very scolding with him for not being as organized as she was and that sometimes he felt like a child little boy with her, he loved her but there were many things that he disliked. You might as well draw him out and screw the wedding, but you weren't cruel enough to do it.
The night progressed until it was your time to go, you had had a good time with him, you laughed a lot and remembered many beautiful things, but it was time to put your feet on the ground.
"I haven't laughed like I did right now for days" you giggled "but it's time to go, I have to get my things ready for tomorrow"
"Are you going somewhere?"
"You will know"
You took your bag and got up from the chair, but Jake took your hand, you felt his calluses from the tips of his fingers on the back of your hand. Your gaze met his and although both of you were a little dizzy, clearly his gaze was expressing what you wanted so much to see reflected in his eyes. It was love.
"Y/N…please stay" he whispered.
"No Jake, I can't. It's too late for this"
Now his hand was holding you tighter and at any moment he could have dropped to his knees to beg you to stay with him.
"Please stay with me, I want you to be by my side forever"
"Jake, you're saying this because you're drunk. You're just talking incoherently and that's enough because... you're hurting me" he let go of your hand without any another word and settled back into his chair.
"I'm sorry, but it's just... there are things I can't say when I'm sober"
"Well, I would really appreciate it if you would tell me sober and not like that because once you kissed me when you were drunk and while you forgot about it the next day, it meant a lot to me all my life!" everything began to get out of control and without shame, you began to cry in front of him, with that you had said everything and without having to give him the letter.
Jake looked at you in disbelief, he was trying to decipher what you had just said, because he didn't know if it was a reproach, or you were confessing your love. You began to rummage through your bag to pull out the letter and hand it to her.
"Here's what I wanted to give you" again his eyes met yours "read it when you can, as long as you're alone" without further ado, you took your phone to put it in your bag and almost ran out of the bar. It was so fast Jake couldn't even stop you...again.
You ran far from the parking lot and ordered an uber to take you home. Coincidentally, the same driver who brought you to the bar was the same one who came to pick you up, but this time, he saw that you were crying and before starting he told you "You're still very young, I bet whoever made you cry will have a really bad time" you thanked him for his words and the car started straight home.
He was so shocked and completely speechless, he just stood there by the hand with the envelope in his hands. They had to spend a few seconds to sat down and run both hands through his hair.
As the band played "Back to The Old House," Jake desperately tore open the envelope and pulled out your letter. He turned the letter over both sides, he was looking at the details of the page and then he started to read it. At first, his expression was serious, but as he was reading, his heart was shrinking, and he felt that singular sting that appears when you want to cry.
He had mixed feelings, he didn't know if he was angry with himself or with you and he didn't know if he was sad either, but as soon as he finished reading your letter, he picked up his phone to call you. Looking up from him, he saw that you dropped your red scarf and took it to hold it close to him.
When your phone started ringing, you answered the call by inertia, not even checking that Jake was calling you.
"Y/N...you forgot your scarf"
You turned to see your things and covered your face with your right hand "You can keep it; I can't go back" you said between sobs.
"Hey, listen, I already read your letter..."
"It's too late to talk about this"
"But I want to talk about your letter"
"But I don't want to, please"
"But why not?"
"Because it's late, didn't you hear?!"
"It's just... it's just... I'm mad that you didn't tell me sooner! You make me between a rock and a hard place! Why are you doing this to me right now?" he was crying too, her helplessness was more than her sadness.
"Because I just couldn't take it anymore, Jake! I've been holding it in for a long time and I can't anymore!" the crying got even louder "and I'm also mad at myself for not telling you sooner, but anyway, there's nothing to do. Tomorrow I'm out of here"
"Y/N, please don't do this to me right now, I need you, I want you to stay with me"
"Jake... you already have someone to stay with you for a long time"
"I'll come see you tomorrow"
"I already told you, I beg you not to look for me anymore. Let me exist in peace, every day that passes the pain that you are not with me becomes more intense and it is not fair for you because you are already happy, I am supposed to I'm fine, but I'm not. Please, it's about time we went our separate ways" you snorted "You know something? I'm at the uber and the poor driver is listening to all this. I'm going to hang up because it's embarrassing" without further ado you ended the call and apologized to the driver.
"Don't worry, I didn't pay attention to your conversation, anyway, if it's any consolation... things happen for a reason, everything has a reason to be and exist, I know that the current outlook for you is bleak, but the universe arranges things in a certain way to obtain learning"
The rest of the way was silent until you got home, you thanked the driver and finally walked through your front door. Once inside, you desperately ran to your room to grab your suitcase and put your clothes inside it along with other important things. Your tears were still rolling down your cheeks and Jake kept calling you insistently.
Again, you took the call just to see how things would end and at least give a calmer end to all this "Jake, now what?"
"Are you home already?"
You thought about your answer because if you said you were at home, he would come to see you "No... not yet"
"Can we talk about your letter now? I don't want things to end like this" he sounded very desperate.
"Me neither... and sorry for reacting like that"
"You don't have to apologize, finally... I said a lot of things that could have hurt you, but I didn't know I was doing it, in fact I never thought you loved me that way"
They were both speechless, only Jake's light crying, and your sobs could be heard, that was all.
"Jake... I'm already home"
"Can I go to see you?"
"Just for a while because I don't want to sleep so late"
While you waited for Jake to arrive, you continued to pack your things and arrange the small backpack that you would carry during your flight. You were beginning to regret your desperate journey. What would happen to your family and your house? So you decided to stay in Mexico for a little while to try out what life is like there and take it as a vacation instead of making it your whole life.
The doorbell rang twice and it was obviously Jake. You weren't in much of a rush to get downstairs and to the door, but once you opened it, Jake hurried inside your house.
"I need to talk about it" he said taking the letter.
"What do you want to know?" you asked closing the door "everything you need to know is there, the one who should make the questions should be me"
"I'm an open book. Let's get this over with." he flopped down on the loveseat and rubbed his hands against his skinny legs.
"In all honesty... do you remember that time you kissed me?"
"Yes, I know what happened, but I don't remember when exactly"
"It was a May 16..."you said.
Jake looked up to meet yours, her face reflecting surprise "I swear I... I didn't remember the date"
"I noticed, but I don't entirely blame you, finally you were drunk, and we were two dumb teenagers." You were still standing in front of him until Jake patted the couch twice for you to sit next to him. Once at his side you continued with your questions "Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me if you liked me so much? I know I did the same, but I already explained my reasons, all you need to do is tell me what happened "
"It's just..." he moistened his lips "even though you're my best friend, I always felt you a little... you know, distant, very serious, cold and that you were never going to fall in love with a person as disastrous as me. Simply because you and I are polar opposites, and that's why I thought that our thing was not going to work, plus I was very afraid that you would reject me and therefore make our friendship uncomfortable. But I saw that our friendship anyway, now it depends on a thread, and I could lose you sooner than I thought. Frankly, I've always loved you, it's just that for a long time I gave up the idea that one day you would be with me, and this doesn't mean that I don't love my fiancée, but I just... gave up. It obviously hurt every time I saw you with a guy, even though I knew they were just casual dates, but still…the pain was there. I know that you can misunderstand the fact that I have gone out with some girls, because I did love them, but I never felt the same intensity as with you"
You began to play with your hands and avoided looking into his eyes "Finally we're not so -opposites- we're both scaredy idiots" you let out an unfunny laugh "we could have had it all but because of the damn fear we lost it all, too late to make amends, so I think it's best that we just let's go our way"
Jake turned to you "I wouldn't say it's late"
"Jake, the dice were already rolled from the start. Of course, it's already late, you’ll be taking a very important step in your life, don't do something rash impulsively, don't hurt your fiancée, she's a very nice person and she genuinely loves you"
He was desperately looking for your eyes and your hands "It no longer makes sense for us to keep hiding what we feel, I admit it, you too, what difference does it make?" he came even closer to you and took your hands tightly "Let's go to Latin America together, let's run away together like when we used to sneak out at night to go to parties"
You let go of your right hand and took his chin gently "But this isn't a party, this is real life and… I'm leaving tomorrow" you pushed his hand away and continued "besides, that wouldn't be the right thing to do, it would be very hurtful for your fiancée, you can't leave her like this a couple of months before a wedding" Jake shook his head, directing his gaze to his hands and you continued "So... if you want to do things right, settle your affairs first and then come to find me."
"How am I supposed to find you?" he asked you with a bit of desperation.
"You'll know, but for now, if that's what you want…you know what to do"
He looked at you with a certain sadness, he didn't know whether to direct his gaze because he also felt a little embarrassed to turn to look at your eyes. Even though you really wanted to hold his hands and peck every inch of his face, you were thinking about how his fiancée would feel if she found out that you two kissed, so in solidarity with her, you refrained from kissing him. The only thing left now was to wait.
Jake got up from the love seat and scratched the back of his neck, still looking down "Well, I think we heard the things we needed to tell each other” You nodded biting your thumb nail "it's too late and... I think I have to go now; you'll need a lot of sleep for your flight tomorrow."
"Thanks for coming Jake... I really needed this" you also got up after him. He gave you a soft smile but still a little sadness in his eyes. You felt a little bad seeing him like that so as he headed for the door, you slowly approached his back and then hugged him just as he was about to touch your doorknob making it stop completely.
Tears welled up in your eyes quickly, there was no way to stop your tears. When Jake felt your arms wrap around his back, he reached for your arms so he could turn to you and hold you like it was always meant to be "I'm going to do the right thing, I promise I'll do the right thing" he gently brought your head close to his chest; you could hear every strong beat of his heart.
You lasted a few minutes hugging until Jake left your house. Before he opened the door of his car he exclaimed "I'll come for you! Please wait for me!"
"I’ll be waiting! If you took a hundred years to arrive, I would stay waiting for you all those hundred years!” you exclaimed watching as he closed the door of his car.
Once inside your house, you leaned against the door and let yourself fall. It took so many years to confess your feelings, something that looked so easy but was so complicated to do. You needed to hit rock bottom to change your situation. You needed to sleep to get up early and go to the airport, what was next in your life was to let yourself be surprised by the wonders of life in Mexico and wait for Jake to come for you, but not in the sense of rescuing you like a princess, but to accompany you on your new adventure. Once in your bed, you tucked yourself in and it didn't take long for your eyes to close. The day ended with a small smile on your face.
On the other hand, Jake was on his way home, still reflecting on what had just happened, he still couldn't believe that you were keeping your feelings to yourself for so long, although he couldn't help but think that he was also stupid for not telling you before. Along the way, the best he could do was call his best friend who was also his twin.
After two unanswered calls, Josh finally answered the phone on the third call. With his sleepy voice it was heard as he said "hello" almost like a whisper.
"Josh... it's me" Jake said eagerly.
"I know it's you. Don't you think it's too late to call me right now?"
"Yes, yes, I know it's late, but I have something to tell you” There was no response from Josh other than the slight sound of his breathing "Josh... I'm not getting married"
The curly-haired brother's eyes widened, and he jumped up from the bed "Don't fuck with me, what the fuck did you do? Did you cheat on her?"
"No, of course not," Jake replied indignantly, "I just…I've been pondering if I really want to spend my whole life with her under a stronger commitment than just living together."
"It has nothing to do with Y/N right?"
"I'd like to say no, but actually yes"
"I knew it! I knew this was going to happen!" he hit the mattress with his right hand frantically "And you know it perfectly well, I always told you to tell Y/N before someone got hurt and now her and your fiancée are or will be hurt."
"I know and I feel stupid, I just did a drama at Y/N's house and I just went to make a fool of myself, but it doesn't matter because... honestly, a weight was lifted off my shoulders.”
"Maybe you don't feel that pain anymore that you used to have every time Y/N dated a person, but what I'm really worried about is how you're going to tell your girlfriend...fiancée or whatever that you're not getting married anymore. "
"I don't know…" he sighed and scratched the back of her neck "I honestly don't know how I'm going to do it; besides, Y/N is going to Mexico tomorrow and I think she'll be there for a long time.”
"I did know that, she'll be there for a long time, I think she wants to start things over there."
"Why did you not tell me?" he hit the steering wheel "Maybe I could have stopped her from leaving and we could have worked things out."
"No Jake, obviously I wasn't going to tell you that she was leaving because you were busy with your stuff, plus I'm sure she didn't want you to know, and I had to respect that"
Jake was overwhelmed with despair and conflict. "I told her that I wasn't getting married anymore and that... I would come back for her." His eyes began to get teary.
His brother let out a long sigh of desperation and anguish "Jake, brother... don't make promises if you can't keep them."
"Why do you say I can't keep it?" Jake raised his voice.
"Let's face it, it's going to take you too long to tell her you don't want to get married anymore. I know you so well."
Jake was upset with what his brother had just told him, however, he knew he was telling the truth, telling his now ex-fiancée was going to be extremely difficult, but sooner or later he had to do it, besides, he had just had the lesson of his life about saying things and being honest with the people around himself.
He drove to his house, parked the car and when he entered, there was that girl with whom he wanted to take a step forward by marrying her. She had fallen asleep in the couch that was looking at the window to see him arrive. She apparently thought of staying up to wait for him, but her sleep defeated her.
She really was a very good woman, you could see that she genuinely loved Jake, she cared a lot about him, trusted him and was willing to do anything for him, almost like you, the only difference between her and you it was that Jake was with her, but you loved him just the same.
When Jake saw her asleep, he felt a lump in his throat, because he knew how much she loved him and it would break her into a thousand pieces to know that he no longer wanted to marry her, much less... continue with a relationship that was not reciprocal. She gave a lot and Jake apparently did too, but the truth was that he was never going to love her the same way.
He sat down next to her, looked at her face carefully, from her long eyelashes to the small pimple that appeared on her right cheek. It didn't take long for Jake to remove the hair that covered her forehead, although he did it carefully, it made her wake up. Opening her eyes, her lips curved into a smile until she met Jake's anguished face. "What's up, baby?" she asked her.
Jake didn't answer her question, he kept stroking her hair. She was silent for a few minutes until he said "Nothing, nothing's wrong. Keep sleeping" he closed his conversation with her with a small kiss on her forehead, releasing a small tear that rolled from his eyes to her cheek.
"We talk tomorrow, okay?" The woman with long dark hair nodded with the same smile as before and continued with her deep sleep while Jake kept looking at her sadly thinking about how he was going to put an end to his problem, although surely one of them would get hurt, well, he had two options : stay with his fiancée, make her happy but break the promise he had made to the love of his life and therefore, leave her waiting in another country, or leave his fiancée with a strong pain that will cost her a lot to forget but keep his promise.
TO BE CONTINUED
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lilydalexf · 3 years
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Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic  during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.
Interview with Dreamshaper
Dreamshaper has 54 stories at Gossamer. Her stories often feature Mulder and Scully exploring their feelings in ways you really, really wish you could’ve seen on the show. I’ve recced some of my favorites of her stories here before, including Found in Memory, Just By Existing, Purpose, and Promise. Big thanks to Dreamshaper for doing this interview.
Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?
I'm not at all surprised people are still reading X-Files fanfic! There's a deep catalogue of good and interesting fiction there, and the X-Files still has cultural significance. And of course there were the recent seasons to bring it back to mind. I think if you had asked me in 2000, I might not have supposed that it had this kind of staying power. So now I'm thinking of this interview as a time capsule--what will my answer be in 2040?
My own fic was not designed to have staying power. If anyone is reading it now, bless them, they are kind and patient. I would only recommend probably reading the first and last things I posted just to see what kind of growth is possible. The first time I ever posted fic, someone told me to never write again. I was a teenager. I was crushed but I went on writing anyway, and I worked hard to improve.
What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?
I think of two things. As for the show itself, I still think of Mulder/Scully as the ultimate in romance. I can still picture certain moments from the episodes, from the movie. I look for pairings with tension that reminds me of theirs--an almost-regency level of UST, but with a modern element of danger.
As for the fandom itself, I grew up in it. My entire online life and the core of how I participate in fandom was formed here. I was 17 or so when I started writing and posting MSR. I was 18 or 19 when I started meeting fans in real life. I was fortunate enough to fall in with people who were equal parts gracious and nerdy, and while my own nerdiness is innate, I remember and emulate the kindness which was shown to me.
I have an entire side post to this question about how strongly I disagree with the current age stratification in fandom--this idea of not interacting across artificial age divides is tragic to me.
Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?
ATXC, and mailing lists. I don't actually remember the names of all the mailing lists! I can picture myself sitting in my kitchen on my computer, and what the emails looked like--the font, the signature lines--but not the names. I can even remember specific conversations we had! One of them must have been Scullyfic, because I remember the first meetup being planned. Is that right? Was it the Scullyfic meetup? [Lilydale note: Probably was Scullyfic. There was a big email flurry when the first Scullyfic mailing list meetup was being planned.] My mind was absolutely blown by the idea of a fan con. Now I've led panels at a dozen of them.
I remember some of the arguments, too. It's funny that some of them are the same arguments I still see here and there, like whether or not criticism of a fanwork is valid. Real Person Fic being this unbelievably shameful thing you had to ask to be shown, and the doyennes of the fandom would have given you the cut direct at Almack's if they'd found out, you know?
This was also the era of AIM and ICQ. mIRC too, right? I spent a lot of time in channels. I absolutely loved when people started to be more open about themselves in chats. I was always so interested in how fandom fit into people's lives. Some people I talked to were moms, college students, people who had interesting careers, and they all just found ways to make fandom work for them. They had a need and were meeting it, despite the pressures of their offline life.
I don't know how to explain the impression that made on me, but--it normalized fandom. That seems obvious, maybe, but I hadn't known this was something you could integrate into your everyday life.
It also normalized the idea of women taking their own needs as primary, in a way that went beyond what I was exposed to in my home life, or through the feminism of the 1990s. There was this wild intersection of the--the domestic and intellectual life of women, and the playful life of women, just making itself known to me in a way I'd never seen before. That was enormous. Absolutely a foundational experience for me.
My experience was that ATXC and email lists were like, these surface-level interactions where people figured out, roughly, if your mind ran on a similar track to theirs, and then you were invited to make deeper relationships in more private corners of the internet. Social media filled both functions at once, I think, for a while. But the privacy was missing. I'm not surprised that Slack and Discord are starting to fill that private corner gap--everything old becomes new, etc.
What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?
UST and monsters. This is still an unbeatable combination for me!
What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?
I loved romance novels--I read so many of them. Somehow, before we even had a computer at home, I started to tell myself romance novel stories with Mulder and Scully as the lead characters. This was how I talked myself to sleep--I wasn't a good sleeper. Then when I got online and did whatever search led me to ATXC, I was just shocked. Shocked! Can't do the surprise justice, in this era where fanfic is relatively mainstream. Other people had also independently invented this thing I loved! But they wrote their ideas down! I jumped on the bandwagon immediately.
What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?
It's like my relationship to my childhood, frankly. Foundational, but I don't think about it all that much on a daily basis, right? I smile and reblog gif sets. I get nostalgic. I get embarrassed by social mistakes I made. I feel the way many of us do about memories from our teenage years. I wouldn't be who I was without it, but I'm not still in it.
Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?
I was. I've spent 20 years in fandom! I did some beta work for someone who'd started writing slash--The Sentinel. The actual Sentinel, not just an endless loop of Sentinel AUs based on Sentinel AUs based on etc. I had some idea at the time that I was queer, but this was my first real exposure to romances that weren't straight. So I tore my way through the early 2000s slash fandoms as they developed: The Sentinel, Due South, Stargate Atlantis. Popslash, where a mix of good writing and absurdity ruled. Bandom, where I met my wife. Since then, many smaller fandoms.
It's hard to compare any of these things to each other, let alone to the X-Files. In each one, I was lucky enough to find a circle of women who were strong beta readers and good friends. I never wrote as much or for as long as I did in the X-Files.
Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully?
I watched the new episodes. I've shown friends important episodes--I remember that a few years ago, another friend and I tried to hook a third friend on the show by binging some favorites--mostly shippy MOTW, so it was like, Arcadia, Triangle, Bad Blood. Fun stuff!
We finish watching and I'm like, well? And? And she says, that was fine, but I'm more of a man-pain, secret babies kind of person? I'll never forget it. She had no idea but she'd hit the nail on the head! We were wheezing with laughter. We went back and watched mytharc episodes, which was much less fun for me, but much more interesting to her.
Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom?
I don't read X-Files fic often. I look at new things sometimes, and I've reread a few old classics, but my reading taste has changed so much. I still love straight romance, but it needs to be fast and sharp in a way that is hard to find.
I read fic in other fandoms when I have time. In the past few years, I've finished a degree, had a daughter, renovated a small Victorian and then sold it and bought another one during this pandemic--so time has been short. Currently I read some Untamed fic, some Good Omens fic, Magicians, Schitt's Creek...a sampler. Whatever friends are writing, whatever they recommend.
What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?
I never have a favorite of my own fics. I'm never satisfied. The second I post something, I'm always full of regrets. I've written fics that did very well and still hated them a month later. People have asked me over the years to move more of my stuff off Livejournal and onto ao3, but I do it really reluctantly and only by specific request. Everything's ephemeral! Let the old works diminish, and go into the West!
Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story? Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online?
I have no oldies to dust off. I do periodically think of X-Files stories I would tell, but I don't have enough time for current interests--and so it goes.
Do you still write fic now? Or other creative work?
I do. I was most recently writing in The Magicians fandom. I posted a couple new stories in an old fandom last year--I'd written Good Omens fic fifteen years ago, and then again for the Amazon adaptation. I have a pile of original novels in various stages of completion, but I'm never happy with them. One day I'll figure myself out, perhaps, or I'll just keep writing myself this and that and leaving it all in a drawer.
What's the story behind your pen name?
So AOL had a character limit for user names--I think it was 10. I was a teenager at the time I was coming up with the one I'd use for fandom, so I went with Dreamshaper. It was kind of literal, in the sense that I was going to share the stories I'd been telling myself to help me sleep. But the character limit meant I went with Dreamshpr, which I later liked because of the alternate reading of Dream*shipper*. A reminder to the younger fans that we were the original shippers!
I would also come up with new pen names when I wanted to experiment with a fic that didn't fit my usual style. I don't remember any of them. I probably did that a dozen times, so, sorry to those poor completely abandoned stories.
Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?
Giddygeek on tumblr and ao3. I'm most active on twitter, but largely about my domestic life with dips into fandoms or original writing; message me on tumblr if you're an old friend who'd like to reconnect elsewhere.
Is there anything else you'd like to share with fans of X-Files fic?
Just gratitude--I'm so glad that I found people to share an obsession with, and that they were good people, at a time in my life where that made a significant difference to me. I don't know where I'd be now without my time and my growth in this fandom!
(Posted by Lilydale on December 22, 2020)
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unforth · 3 years
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Hello unforth! Thank you for your wonderful blog, and the the untamed art blog!! I followed you years ago for destiel, and you were one of the people that got me into the untamed. I watched it last summer and have been binging various cdramas ever since!! I had a question for you about reading. After watching the untamed I read the novel, and didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would. I think you’re someone who prefers the show, but if not, sorry if I’m remembering wrong… hoping you understand. I want to try reading other novels but I found the romance in mdzs to be kinda off. I guess I’m wondering if you have a recommendation for the best novel you’ve read so far? It would be great if it’s one with fanfic but if not I’m still curious to try! I hope this didn’t come off as rude about the untamed, it’s just a personal preference. Thanks in advance, and thanks again for all your work in fandom!
Howdy! *waves*
You have not misremembered, I definitely prefer the Untamed to the novel of MDZS (and I'm with you, no shade on people with different preferences, of course!). I also didn't enjoy the novel of MDZS as much as I thought I would, though I think some of that was because I read the Exiled Rebels Scanalations translation which - again, no shade, translating that was a HUGE job and kudos to them - but I do here from native speakers that some questionable translation choices were made, which can detract from some people's enjoyment of the novel (and can enhance other people's, it just depends how those translation choices relate to each person's personal likes and dislikes).
Now, I can tell you what I've read and what I've thought of each one, happily - I don't know what turned you off about MDZS specifically, beyond an aspect of the relationship dynamic, so it'll be hard for me to say which of these might appeal to you more? But, here's a list of which danmei novels I've read, and my opinion. The list is shorter than you'd think - danmei novels are long and I read slow, lol.
Note that all of these end happy, for various definitions of "happy," and the main ship is canon in all of them. Also note that I tried to avoid spoilers, but sometimes it's hard to even talk about the ship dynamic without some mild spoilers.
These are (roughly) in the order I've read them; I just finished the last a few days ago. All art is by the official artists, but I'm not always sure what their names are, sorry - I've tried to figure them out for my art blogs but it's REALLY hard.
1. Mo Dao Zu Shi, by MXTX.
(since I'm writing this post for you, and you're already familiar with it, I'm not putting in TW and plot)
My take: I figure knowing my opinion of MDZS will help you assess all this? There are things I loved about MDZS, including the book, but MDZS is still obviously trying to figure out pacing. Whereas in SVSSS, the storyline doesn't always flow that smoothly and the ending is rushed, in MDZS in my opinion the biggest issue is that she clearly didn't plan some things ahead. For example, Miangmian and Wen Ning are both introduced within a few pages of when they'll be needed to Do Shit. It shows that she hadn't quite worked everything out as she was going, and every once in a while was like, "shit shit I need a character for this thing" and hastily added them. The plot itself is better paced, though, though I could have wished for a less talky denouement. When it was the only one I read, I also often thought, "this author doesn't understand consent," and, "this author has kinks I don't share." Now that I've read all three of her books, I completely retract the first one. MXTX absolutely understands consent, and was intentionally playing with it in MDZS. Not sure if the evidence of that got lost in translation, or what, but...yeah.
Relationship Dynamic: ...the second of those opinions, I still kinda feel. The consensual non-con is just not really my thing, like I'm okay with it in small doses? And I don't love some aspects of Lan Wangji's domineering attitudes and Wei Wuxian's act of bare tolerating it. And don't get me wrong, now that I'm more familiar with her work, I think it was an intentional writing choice and I also think they're both largely roleplaying it a lot of the time...but I still don't personally enjoy it much.
2. Scum Villain Self-Saving System, by MXTX.
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Genre: modern transmigration into a fantasy xianxia world.
Where to find it: English translation by BC Novels | donghua season 1
Trigger warnings for: graphic descriptions of suffering, non-con of the "fuck or die" variety, and body horror...I can't think of anything else rn?)
Plot: SVSSS is MXTX's first novel, and is a satire of classic stag harem novels. Shen Yuan, the protagonist and half the main ship, is reading a serialized web novel by "Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky" about a demon named Luo Binghe who has a harem of over 3,000 women and has done all kinds of ghastly awful things. He hates this novel but has read all, like, 3 million words of it or something, and trolls every chapter...until one gets him so angry that he dies...and then he wakes up in the book right around when the book starts, in the body of one of the early antagonists, a cultivator named Shen Qingqiu who abuses a young, innocent Luo Binghe physically and emotionally and, ultimately, is horribly tortured to death. Shen Yuan, in Shen Qingqiu's body, thus sets out to not be horribly tortured to death by Luo Binghe. Hijinks ensue.
My Take: In terms of my opinion of it...SVSSS secured for me that MXTX is a much more brilliant author than I thought when I'd only read MDZS. She understands tropes and subverts them brilliantly throughout the story, and from a writing standpoint, I was impressed with her. However, from a plot standpoint...she's got all the ideas but hasn't, imo, yet figured out how exactly to bring them all together. The pacing is off at times, and the ending felt abrupt to me. It's also the only danmei I've read where I ship a side ship more than the primary one (which is, of course, Shen Yuan (as Shen Qingqiu)/Luo Binghe. (also, oops...I read SVSSS after TGCF and just put them in the wrong order, oh well, not gonna change it now.)
Relationship Dynamic: In terms of relationship weirdness...it's hard to sort in that regard, because, like, it's supposed to be weird? I think it's a really interest book but I'm not sure I'd recommend it in your situation. Bingqiu's main dynamic is...uh...tolerance and obsession? They're kinda hard to describe. Shen Yuan often seems like he's just kinda putting up with Luo Binghe, whereas Luo Binghe is...god. So hard to describe, lmao. He's a big clumsy ox in a museum full of porcelain dishes and he really, really loves his Shizun. (also note that Shen Qingqiu is Luo Binghe's teacher. They don't get together until after they're not master/student, but if that's not your thing, another reason to avoid.)
3. Tian Guan Ci Fu, by MXTX.
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(art is by Starember)
Genre: historical China (loosely), xianxia (note that I'm still figuring out exactly how stuff gets classified so sorry if I get one wrong, but I think I kinda get it???)
Where to Access It: English Translation by the astonishing yummysuika | manhua (this is an official translation by Bilibili! It's a few chapters behind the actual release, but still...) | donghua season 1 is on Netflix | a live action adaptation is juuuuust getting started on script reading and filing
Trigger warnings for: MCD, temporary MCD, body horror, graphic violence, epic levels of mind fuckery, uh...genocide?...again, racism/colorism, probably other stuff, sorry, I can't take as long as I'd like to for this post so I'm not being as thorough as I oughta be.
Plot: TGCF is about Xie Lian, an 800 year old man, and it commences at the moment when, unexpectedly, he ascends to godhood...for the third time. Unfortunately, when he ascends, he accidentally does some damage in Heaven, and he has to repay that, so he gets sent back to earth to deal with a ghost who's been causing some problems. Hijinks ensue...and then fucktons of angst ensue...then more hijinks...then more angst...and basically it broke my heart like four times and I am grateful for it every day? The main ship is Xie Lian and a ghost named Hua Cheng, but it's hard to even talk about without some spoilers because of some identity shenanigans. (they're VERY mildly identity shenanigans, but still).
My Take: So, you asked what my favorite of the danmei novels I've read is? It's TGCF. TGCF is one of my favorite novels ever, and it has a growing fandom, a donghua that's on Netflix, and a live action that's just starting to film. TGCF is the culmination of the skills MXTX developed through her first two works, imo. She clearly plotted it out all from the start, and while Book 1 especially often seems kind of random - lots of elements are introduced and then kinda...apparently...forgotten? And never explained? But she actually DOES bring it ALL together and it's flat-out masterful. I'm a big fan, obviously.
Relationship Dynamic: it again depends on your preferences and what you didn't like about MDZS, and there's no way to talk about it without spoilers, so consider yourselves warned. Xie Lian ascended to godhood first at the age of 17, and right around then he also saved the life of a 10 year old boy...and that boy is Hua Cheng. Hua Cheng is a follower of Xie Lian's, in that Xie Lian is literally a god, and Hua Cheng is literally one of his followers. However, they're separated for almost 800 years, so the age difference is largely irrelevant, and while some people complain about Hua Cheng's behavior being stalkery and obsessive, I honestly think they're dead wrong. It's more like when you read a celebrity/fan AU, and it starts weird, and then they really genuinely fall in love. Like, the fan may have been in love the whole time, and how they felt about the celebrity before they really met might feel slightly ooky, but it's how they act AFTER they meet their idol that matters more, and...yeah, Hua Cheng is great, they're both great, antis fight me. Xie Lian is easily one of my favorite characters EVER, he is all my favorite tropes in one horribly, wonderfully fucked up martyristic idealistic sweet kind laid back package. I would kill for him, lmao. In terms of their relationship dynamic...they love and respect each other? There's really nothing that weird about it other than the aspects of the "fan" Hua Cheng that get revealed over time - and he's always terrified that when Xie Lian realizes what a fanboy he was, Xie Lian will be upset or disgusted, but of course Xie Lian never is. They adore each other. It's glorious. Highly recommend. :D There's also no explicit content in TGCF (unlike MXTX's other two books).
4. The Husky and His White Cat Shizun (aka 2ha) by Meatbun Doesn't Eat Meat.
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Genre: original world, xianxia, time travel, dimension hopping, it's so many things, 2ha is so hard to describe lmao
Where to Access it: English Translation by the amazing yummysuika (things are complicated, though, and it's not finished) | a manhua is in the works and should be out this year | a live action called "Hao Yixing" or "Immortality" is already filmed and could theoretically air literally any time cause it's completely ready, but when will it actually come? Who knows!
Trigger warnings: all of them. Literally. MCD, temporary MCD, murder, suicide, suicidal ideation, suicide attempt, rape/non-con, abuse, manipulation, gas lighting, torture, graphic violence, body horror, literal graphic onscreen horrible blood murder of a small child (I had to skip that chapter), teacher/student relationship sort of but not exactly, probably other stuff, this book is dark as fuck, and a lot of these tags apply to behavior of one half of the main ship toward the other, but...it's complicated, and there are reasons things happen, and those reasons aren't "well they're just a bad person."
Plot: This is another one that's hard to describe because there's sooooo much mind fuckery going on, but I'll try. 2ha is about Mo Ran, who rises to be the Emperor of the World, Taxian Jun, but slaughtering all who oppose him...and who is so miserable that he commits suicide, only to wake up in his 16 year old body. This is pretty much perfect from Mo Ran's point of view, because he's gone back so far that the love of his life, his fellow disciple Shi Mei, is still alive. He has a chance to fix everything that went wrong, starting with preventing his awful evil Shizun, Chu Wanning, from letting Shi Mei die.
Spoilers: the main ship in this book is Mo Ran/Chu Wanning.
Hijinks do NOT ensue. There are no hijinks in 2ha. It is all pain all the time (but I swear it ends happy).
My Take: ...well, from a structural standpoint there are some pacing issues. The book is incredibly long (over 300 chapters, over 1 million words) and there are definitely some chunks that could just be excised and it'd still be fine. However, other than that, it's pretty amazing and absolutely masterful how it's plotted. As a reader you'll spend 100+ chapters thinking you know what's going on, and who the good guys are, and who the bad guys are, and how they relate to each other...and then Meatbun starts in on revealing what's ACTUALLY going on and she then spends 200 chapters repeatedly punching you in the face! Like, I went in knowing a LOT of spoilers, because the tags were so dark that I felt that for my mental health it was important I have a general idea what was going on, and I STILL ended up sobbing my eyes out (and I am NOT an easy crier and don't usually cry at books) over something I knew was coming.
Relationship Dynamic: That's about the only thing that the title accurately conveys about this book. "The Husky and His White Cat Shizun," sounds so soft and fluffy, right? That's how they get you, ha. But, Mo Ran is absolutely a big dumb husky who wants to do the right thing (well, sometimes he does) but just completely fails depressingly often. When he sees someone he likes come in the front door he WILL jump all over them and bark in their face as his way of trying to communicate affection. And Chu Wanning is equally absolutely a cat. He is emotionally constipated, poor at expressing himself, uptight, touch starved, desperate for affection, and so lonely my chest hurts when I think about him. And for how they relate to each other...well, picture that big dog greeting a loved one at the door...except that loved one is the most hide-bound proud white cat you can imagine.
That's their dynamic.
(However, also...there are multiple timelines at play, and Taxian Jun does some truly awful things to "his" Chu Wanning in the original timeline, and many of these things are graphically described, and while it's ultimately all explained, it still all HAPPENS, so if you're going to have trouble reading fucktons of abuse between the main ship, I would not recommend this book)
5. Thousand Autumns (Qianqiu) by Meng Xi Shi.
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Genre: historical China (like, references actual people, as far as I can tell), xianxia
Where to Access it: ...reading Thousand Autumns is HARD, it's split over like four websites/translators. This Carrd can kinda help? I can get you the rest if you want | donghua season 1 | I heard there's a live action in the works? But I don't know more than that.
Trigger warnings: graphic violence, mentions/threats of sexual violence (but it's all stopped before things really go wrong), starvation, description of child death (from starvation), near-death, emotional/mental abuse, major semi-permanent character injury, god, minor character death, they're major characters depending on your pov, I can't actually think of others, after writing about 2ha it feels positively fluffy). Note that there's not really any explicit content, just implications of smut, and not til basically the very end and extras.
Plot: Yan Wushi, sect leader of a demonic sect, has just come out of an extended seclusion to improve his cultivation when he and one of his disciples come across a man who is wounded to the point of near death. This turns out to be Shen Qiao, the sect leader of Mount Xuandu. When Shen Qiao awakens from his wounds, he's lost his memory, AND he's blind, and Yan Wushi decides it would be great fun and an excellent use of his time to fuck with Shen Qiao by trying to turn him evil - because Yan Wushi is certain that ALL people are inherently evil, and shattering Shen Qiao's veneer of righteousness will just help prove that.
Spoilers: it's not a veneer.
Not spoilers: Not many hijinks ensue, but there are a few hijinks, and even when it's not hijinxed, it's still not that painful...usually.
My Take: despite that synopsis, a lot of the plot of Thousand Autumns is actually political, and I like political plots, so I liked that aspect of it. However, it has some serious pacing issues imo, and it's also hard to read in English atm because it's not fully translated; it's close, now, much closer than when I read it a few months ago, so it'll be easier to read soon. Or maybe I shouldn't say it's pacing problems, but rather, it's more of a sequence of multiple major plots, strung together, with the growing relationship between Yan Wushi and Shen Qiao playing out in the background. I think if I'd known there was no "one big plot" that would have actually helped me, because it kept feeling like, "Oh, THIS is the main thing," but it never was. Things would feel climactic...except then there'd be more. So it's probably better to actually think of it as more...episodic? And the episodes/stories build, and interrelate, and do have a culmination, but not all of them directly tie in, and not all the threads end up coming together/getting resolved.
Relationship Dynamic: early on, Yan Wushi is definitely abusive and manipulative, intentionally so, and I would argue that, imo, Shen Qiao falls for it. However, mid-way through, there's some big reveals, and after that when they're reunited Shen Qiao no longer takes any shit and Yan Wushi continues to act like he doesn't care even when he clearly does. They're not a typical ship in ANY WAY, and I'd say their relationship is more founded on mutual respect than on love. Indeed, in the author's notes at one point MXS actually says they doesn't see them as the kind of couple to ever exchange love declarations, and I thought that was really interesting and it really helped me to understand how they worked together because I'll own I struggled with at times. Yan Wushi is self-interested, often cruel, and ethically and morally dubious. Shen Qiao, on the other hand, could probably ascend to Daoist godhood, he's so pure. Yet...they DO work. I'd say "opposites attract" but that's ALSO not their main trope, not exactly. They're a VERY hard ship to explain, and I know some people who've read the whole book and still don't really...get them...and I've had to really think about them to wrap my head around them...but the more I've thought about them, the more I like them.
6. Those Years in Quest of Honor Mine by Man Man He Qi Duo.
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Genre: historical fiction set in either actual China or make-believe China, I'm not sure if this is directly incorporated any real people
Where to Access It: English Translation by Perpetual Daydreams | manhua (untranslated, I'm not sure if there's anyone translating it into English) | I think there's a live action in the works? Not sure beyond that though.
Trigger Warnings: suicide attempts, suicidal ideation, drug addiction, drug abuse, chronic illness (different character than the drugs), manipulation, abusive, awful parents and parental figures (not all, but definitely some), some homophobia (but way less than there could have been), probably other stuff
Plot: After 7 years away, Zhong Wan returns to the capital of the Empire with the three children of his benefactor, the seven-years-dead Prince Ning. Prince Ning was executed for treason against the previous Emperor, and Zhong Wan has done all he can to protect and raise the three kids, but he's got a lot of worries about returning to the capital and what could happen to his charges if they get pulled into the politics surrounded the Emperor. But, even worse, he's got even more worries about being reunited with Yu She, nephew of the Emperor, with whom he has more than a little history...and about whom he has been lying for the past 7 years, claiming that he is Yu She's lover, in a bid to help use Yu She's reputation to protect Prince Ning's children.
Hijinks ensue.
And so does a political nightmare.
My Take: TYQHM was a hard book to get into because there are just so many characters and it's all about politics - this is NOT a xianxia or wuxia novel, and these characters are NOT cultivators. There's basically nothing supernatural in the whole book; instead, it's about Zhong Wan and Yu She figuring out their own histories, and accepting each other, while trying to survive in a political world that increasingly wants both of them dead. However, I adore political plots, and when all was said and done I really enjoyed it, and I'm trying tooth and nail to claw other people into the fandom with me, so far with basically no success. It only has like 15 works in English on AO3. And so not only does it not fit that requirement of yours...
Relationship Dynamic: ...I think you would also probably not like the relationship dynamic? Zhong Wan is a bit like Wei Wuxian-as-Mo Xuanyu, except more...genuinely? Like, it's his actual personality, not an act, in quite the same way. I don't mean the "flamboyantly gay" part...usually...he definitely has his moments...but he's just...like, he's been through so much that he'll basically say anything, and drag himself entirely through the mud, to distract people who might hurt the three kids (they're like 16, 13, 13, now I think? It was never THAT clear to me, tbh...certainly, all are at least 10...) and, later, Yu She. He has zero face, and doesn't mind having negative face when he feels the situation demands it...and Yu She, on the other hand, has MAJOR depression issues, is sure he deserves nothing, and mostly wants to destroy everyone around him and then kill himself, at least until Zhong Wan starts giving him a reason to live again. But, more than that...Zhong Wan is like the fucking epitome of a bratty subby bottom. He wants to get fucked SO bad. And Yu She is an incredibly reluctant dom, hilariously so at times, uncomfortably/manipulative so at others. When all was said and done, I was pretty fond of them both, but there were definitely moments that made me grimace, and given what you say of how you felt about MDZS, I think this one is less likely to be to your taste?
Bonus 7: Guardian by Priest. I never finished the novel version of Guardian because the translation had some issues that caused me not to enjoy it, so I won't get into it too much, but again, Guardian is a very different book than any of the others, because it's modern fantasy(ish, like, it's still deeply embedded in Daoist-related tropes but it's more "magic spells" and less "cultivation." Like, in terms of what it's like, it felt more like Japanese modern Onmyoji style stories, to me, than it felt like the ancient Chinese wuxia/xianxia cultivation stories.). I'm not gonna get into lots of details, because I read part of the book more than a year ago, and have seen the show (which is VERY different) like three times, so I can hardly even remember what they're like in the novel. There was definitely some weirdness, though? If you're potentially interested, I'd suggest starting with the drama instead. The plot for that is...
Plot: Zhao Yunlan heads a Special Investigation Unit in the human world tasked with maintaining a treaty between humans and the dixigren ("undergrounders") who are (in the show) aliens (in the book...it's the world of the dead). While doing this job, he keeps running into this professor, Shen Wei, who definitely knows more than he oughta.
Hijinks ensue.
And then it murders you with feels.
The live action streams from YouTube - here.
(Warning: uh, I don't want to give spoilers, but my "guaranteed happy ending" does NOT apply to the Guardian TV show...but it does apply to the book, as I understand it.)
*
Anyway, this was a terrible use of my time but it was definitely more fun than what I should be doing, and it's probably way more information than you wanted or needed, but since I wasn't sure what exactly you had in mind, I figured...might as well be thorough?
(Today's hyper-focus fail: this post, ha...)
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lycorogue · 3 years
Note
For your ask game... 7, 13,15 and 16!
Livrever! You're just as bad as @cyhyr! You should also be well aware of my wordiness! Welp. Looks like I'm dusting off that good old Long Post hashtag again today. 😂
[Fanfic Writer Ask Game Questions]
7. What story/headcanons do you feel the proudest of?
By far the headcanon (which became a story) that I'm proudest of is the origin story of the lucky charm bracelet Marinette gave Adrien in "Gamer."
She already had it on-hand, and she didn't seem to have made it specifically to gift to Adrien. She even said he could "borrow" it, but never got it back. I think the charm bracelet was a spur of the moment decision to try to cheer him up and build up his confidence. When I was a kid, my mom gifted me various inspirational cards and worry stones to help me through finals and remind me that I could achieve anything I put my mind to. It felt fitting that Marinette's parents would do something similar, and THAT is where the bracelet originally came from.
If you want to read the full headcanon-inspired story, you can find it here: Build Your Own Luck
I love this headcanon so much I'm making sure to work it into my "I promise, I'm still working on it" WIP One and the Same.
Honorable Mention for favorite headcanon would be the headcanons I came up with for my Plagg-centric/Plagg-Appreciation story Forever in Darkness. In particular, my headcanon that Plagg was Aladdin's "lesser genie of the ring" from the 1001 Arabian Nights tale. I basically had that headcanon since I first saw Origins and Plagg mentioned meeting a genie before.
(Also, ya know, I still consider my first completed multi-chapter story Peeping Tomcat my magnum opus... so... yeah... proud of that one too)
13. When did you start writing fanfic?
I've been dabbling in fanfic pretty much ever since I understood what fandom was. When I was in elementary school I would create a whole series of X-Men OCs (only to discover a decade or so later that nearly every OC I thought of is already a canon X-Men character, they just never made the cut for the 90s cartoon).
In middle school and early high school (so roughly ages 12 through 15), I created a self-insert Batman OC (and love interest for Dick Grayson's Robin). She was Selena Kyle's niece that moved in with her. She struggled between excitedly being her Aunt Selena's apprentice as a cat burglar, and using those skills to be a hero with Batman and Robin. I can't recall the character's name anymore, but she went by the alias Black Panther (because that was my school's mascot and I'm a nerd like that).
About the age of 16 or 17 I joined my first play-by-post role-play game where I played Harley Quinn. It didn't last long before the game master went to college and the whole thing fell apart.
Then there was a fanfic dry spell. I did work on original works almost constantly from the age of 10 straight through to college. Then I had a college professor that more-or-less broke my creative writing spirit, sadly. I still wrote for video production classes and scriptwriting classes, but I didn't write anything recreationally for over 5 years.
Then, in 2009 I got back into the "Hey, Arnold!" fandom. August 2010 I wrote my first fanfic for the fandom. It would be the first fanfic I would ever publish online. I've been working on fanfics again ever since. 😁 (if you don't want to read the story on FFN, you can find the import over to AO3 here)
15. What is the fanfic you’ve written that you’re most proud of?
As I said before, I still think of Peeping Tomcat as my magnum opus. It is the longest story I've written. It is the first multi-chapter story I was able to actually complete. There are a lot of moments in that story that I just love to reread myself. It's the first story I've written that I felt compelled to write a sequel to (sadly, said sequel, One and the Same, has been stubborn the past 4 years and won't properly form, so that's still a WIP). It's the only ML fanfic I've published that has inspired fanart (but it's not my first fanfic ever to inspire art. That honor goes to my sadly abandoned HA! fanfic What is Truly Meant to Be). Plus, I got to emotionally torture poor Adrien, but also give him a happy ending.
Runner Up, I think, would have to be Prescription for Love, which is my interpretation of what Adrien did off-screen during the season 3 episode "Backwarder." A lot of my reviews have stated how much people loved Kagami in that story despite not particularly enjoying her canon characterization at that point in the series. Plus, Adrien is an oblivious little mush.
Honorable Mentions to the aforementioned Build Your Own Luck as well as my first Christmas-themed story Woven Heartstrings. I am still amazed at how perfect the gifts are for all of the characters, and I was the one who thought of them!!!! Plus, I've had a surprisingly large number of kudos/comments on that story outside of the holiday season, so it must really resonate with people even outside of December. Final Honorable Mention goes to the aforementioned Plagg-Appreciation story Forever in Darkness.
16. What fanfic tropes do you avoid writing for?
Goodness. I actually don't write for tropes. Not really. I aim more for "how close to a legit episode can I make this story?" or just general "This plot bunny showed up and I guess I'm nurturing it now???"
I don't know if I even KNOW all of the basic fanfic tropes....
If I used the This or That (Fanfic Edition) game as a guide, I think the tropes off of that list I'd avoid would be:
Flower Shop AU - I don't know much about flowers for that to be worth trying
Historical AU - I am TRASH at historical anything... although I'm a HUGE steampunkest... go figure
Major AU reworks in general - I am perfectly content snuggled into the canon. I like this show for a reason. And I like fanfic because the world building has already been done for me.
Crack??? - I don't have anything against crack. I quite enjoy it. I just... I'm not creative enough to come up with something so bonkers????
Whump - Not intentionally, at least. I almost never go into a story with the goal to torture the characters. That just... kinda... sorta... happens??? Sometimes???
Enemies to Lovers - I ADORE this trope, but I don't know if I could ever manage to write Adrien/Chat Noir as Marinette's/Ladybug's enemy nearly as masterfully as the other works already out there. Especially when some of my "competition" includes Discordant Sonata by @edendaphne and Curiosity and Satisfaction by @imthepunchlord.
Whew! This was even longer than the 4-question ask from Cyhyr! You ladies sure do know how to get me to talk. 😁
Thanks so much for the ask! Anyone else interested in getting to know more about me and my writing style? Feel free to drop me those asks. 😁
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Ask for writers
I was tagged a while ago by @theisolatedlily @zanniscaramouche and @tomlinvelvetfics. Sorry it took a while!
1. describe how you first started writing and when you first posted: I’ve been writing since I was literally able to, but I first started writing fanfic on ff.net back in the good old days. I wrote HP fanfic, among other things. In 2012 I made the switch to AO3 and started writing Ziam fanfic.
2. which of your characters do you typically resonate most closely with? do you base any characters off of yourself?: I’m very similar to Louis in a lot of ways, so his POV definitely comes easiest to me. When I’m writing Ziam I find that I prefer to write from Liam’s POV, though I don’t feel I’m necessarily similar to Liam.
3. where do you often find inspiration?: Movies, shows, random posts on Tumblr.
4. has quarantine helped or hindered your writing process?: Not necessarily either of them, I feel. I’ve had a little bit more time but since I don’t work much I’ve always had the time to write. It’s more the other way around, writing has helped my quarantine.
5. do you listen to music/noise while you write or do you prefer silence? Silence. I can’t write with music on.
6. what is your biggest writing pet peeve in your writing or in general?: In general, bad grammar or ooc characters pulls me out of a story really quickly. I don’t tend to read much fic, since I don’t want other people’s writing style to seep into my writing, so I suppose that would be my own biggest pet peeve, is when I find that I’m not writing in my own voice.
7. describe your ideal writing setup: Basically just at my desk, in a good chair, because right now my chair sucks and my back issues are making me lightheaded a lot, which is why I haven’t written as much as I want to.
8. favorite time of day to write?: Early in the morning/day. When I don’t work I like to write from around 9-11 am since I have the most energy in the morning.
9. favorite genre to write + one you’d like to try writing in the future?: Fantasy, for sure. Soulmates/fates/dystopia fics are still great.
10. do you struggle with writer’s block? how do you typically overcome it? I do when I haven’t been writing for a while, I need to be in tune with my story to really keep it flowing. I tend to force myself through it by just committing to certain times to write, and trying to keep that regularly so I don’t stray too far from the fic.
11. what is the easiest part of your writing process and the most difficult? I tend to write as I go, meaning that I sit down and the words just come pouring out. When I’ve outlined and I feel like I need to stick to that, it sort of feels stifling and I struggle, so I’m best at just free writing and letting the story go where it needs to go.
12. how do you come up with original characters? (if applicable): I don’t usually write original characters into my stories, but if I did it’d be from people I know or based roughly on characters in shows/movies.
13. what is your favorite and least favorite word? My absolute least favorite word is cum. Especially as a verb. That’s a hard no from me. I don’t really have a favorite word.
14. what is one thing about your writing that you’re really proud of and one thing you hope to continue working at?: I feel I’m a pretty solid story teller, and that I manage to put emotion into my work that translates to the people who read it. I want to keep working at my craft, I don’t feel there is something I’m particularly bad at, but I know I can improve a lot.
15. what work of yours has your favorite ‘verse/world building? how did you come up with it?:  Definitely there’s no fair in farewell. It’s been in my head since 2014 and I finally sat down to write it in 2017/2018. It’s got so much world building and such a unique storyline, I’m still so proud of it. I don’t remember how I came up with it, it sort of feels like the story’s always been there, just waiting for me to sit down and tell it.
16. what font and size do you write in? single spaced or double?: calibi, 11, single space.
17. what is a typo(s) you find yourself making consistently?: I don’t really know? I don’t think I make a lot of consistent typos. I just write fast and mess up words on the regular lol. but this is a question better suited for my beta, @lightwoodsmagic!
18. (if applicable) do you separate fic writing from fandom?: Yeah I really only write AUs. 
19. what emotion is your favorite to write? which is the most difficult?: Angst is my absolute favorite. I love writing emotional stories, with a lot of introspective characters. I feel that lust is the hardest to write since I’m aroace and I just cannot compute that people want to do the deed lmao.
20. what is one thing you hope readers always take away from your works?: that there is always hope and fate always works her way.
21. what is the best and worst writing advice you’ve ever received?: The best is to not compare yourself to anyone else, since it’s a race you’ll inevitably lose. The worst, oof, I don’t really know.
22. which one of your works would you most want to see turned into a film/television show?: There’s no fair in farewell, absolutely. I feel like it has movie potential.
23. do you write scenes chronologically or out of order?: Chronologically. Usually my stories go where they want to go, so if I wrote out of order none of the scenes would match up.
24. how do you handle criticism?: My first instinct is to be frustrated. My second, more thoughtful attitude, is that I will listen if it’s something I feel is valid. I am very vulnerable in my works and so criticism feels personal sometimes, but I’m also secure enough in my work to know when something is valid and when I should stick to my own ideas.
25. what is the advice you would give to someone who is looking to start writing?: Do it. Write what appeals to you. Write from your heart and your soul.  
26. what kind of feedback on your work always makes your day?: Any comment is great, but I love when people point out the parts that made them emotional or that resonated with them. I love when people pick out quotes that they say helped made them feel better.
27. which fic ‘verse of your own would you most like to exist in? which fic’s characters would you most like to befriend?: Oof. I don’t think I’d want to exist in most of my AUs. I’m pretty content with my life as is, but I’d love to befriend Zouis in my Zouis wallsficfest fic just because I am that mom friend and they both needed hugs.
28. what do you always enjoy getting asks about/wish people would ask about more?: I’d love to get asks about my fics in general! These asks are pretty damn fun!
29. what has writing added to your life? how has it changed you?: It’s added so much love. Love for my writing, love for the stories and universes I put out. And love in the form of dear writer friends who have enriched my life and who have become some of my most favorite people.
30. why do you write?: because I’m a writer and I have to.
boost yourself + tags!
1a. share the last sentence you wrote:
The only one who has a choice is Harry, and this time, Louis will have to listen to it.
2a. describe the wip you’re most excited about:
I’m only working on my @onedirectionbigbang which is a Pygmalion fic and it’s so far 27k of pining and angst and if that doesn’t tell you enough IDK what else to tell you 
3a. share the piece of dialogue from one of your works you’re most proud of: 
Nothing particularly comes to mind at the moment. 
4a. share the best first and last lines from your work(s): 
I always try to start and finish with a good line. Here’s the ones from TNFIF:
Sometimes, when he looks down, Louis envies them.
And every day he thanks God for giving them the chance to find each other.
5a. link the last fic you read: 
I uh, kind of reread my own fic last night, does that count? It’s under the moonlight
6a. link the last work you published: 
My christmasfest fic room for your love underneath this tree
7a. link to your ao3 (if applicable):
we_are_the_same
8a. someone that inspires you: 
Louis Tomlinson, and as far as writers go, @londonfoginacup and @lightwoodsmagic
9a. a comfort fic/work that you’ve been grateful for this year:
I truly don’t read much, but anything Emmu writes is top notch for comfort honestly. She infuses her fics with so much warmth and charm that I can’t help but fall in love with every universe she creates.
Alright, I think a lot of people have already done this, but if you haven’t and want to, consider yourself tagged! I’m gonna tag @lightwoodsmagic @jacaranda-bloom @disgruntledkittenface @fallinglikethis @vintageumbroshirt and @dinosaursmate just to see if they want to share!
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chrisemrysfics · 4 years
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That moment I can’t recall for sure when I first touched fanfics. And then you get this long post because I rambled about trying to recall and finding the clues.
Read more, but yeah if you’re curious, it’s pretty much my history with reading then writing fics, the fandoms and years, with one two little notes on what I was doing original writing wise.
Long story short: I first started reading fics in (most likely second half of) 2008 and first started writing by the end of 2009, 2009-2011 was a very productive time and it was in YGO GX fandom, then I had a burn out for multiple reason, and it’s by first half of 2013 that I finally had another good productive time with BBC Merlin (while I had mostly left YGO GX, with one fic I still open to finish in some ways), end of 2013 I started writing for Pokemon, and then for a few years I’ve picked up fandoms but never really went far, like I had short term burst of inspiration energy, and long term was just very slow updating because I didn’t wish to quit any of my fics, and then in 2017 I discovered DGM and by July 2017 I was writing for it and have been quite productive since then, especially the first year or so, a big part because it was like, the first big love I have had since BBC Merlin, and it grew as my all time favorite.
A big part of Assassin’s Light being easy to write for a period of time is because it’s half DGM, of course as you noticed things did need to slow down for me, but my love and inspiration for DGM has not lessened. MDZS did come and quickly made me fall so very deeply in love with it, I don’t hide that I love it a little bit more than DGM, but at present time, both DGM and MDZS are my focus, with a slightly easier time writing for MDZS.
(Everything else is still on-going, but very, very, very slow).
The problem is, my files for my fics, I moved them at some point, or copy paste, the oldest dates from 2014 which is two years after I stopped college, which is likely also due to how I changed laptop and such along the years. And the other problem is, I once left ffnet then came back, so I can’t see anymore the actual, initial publish dates.
The best I can use is the date of when I joined ffnet, which is in 2009, but this also places me at 17. I could have been writing my first fic before that, but I wouldn’t have been able to post it until then, and I don’t feel like I had multiple chapters to post, so it is likely that I started writing fics at 16/17. It was my second (of three) years of high school at that age range.
As I feel like I can recall I was reading fics in middle school, the best I can guess is that I started reading fics in my last year of middle school (14 to 15), probably toward the end of it, which kind of feels about right? But that means I spend around a year just reading, like if it’s at the end of middle school, it’s close to when I got to 15, so 2007 (as I would have had my 15th birthday in 2007).
Which sounds about right, I do feel “2007″ is the year I remember. In 2008 I would have had my 16th birthday, and it would have been a year or so since I’ve started reading fics, but the ffnet profile says I joined 11 December 2009, so that’s past my 17th birthday, and makes it easily two years since I started reading fics.
Which blows my mind a bit because I was convinced I started writing not long after, but apparently, not? Like I don’t recall having posted elsewhere before ffnet, so in all logic, it is in December 2009 that I made my account, and likely posted my first fic not long after. So however long I was reading, I was already 17 when I first wrote fics (or late 16 if I started writing a bit but didn’t post).
It is possible I have been mixing up my fic dates with original write, as in that case, I am certain I started writing my first novel in the end of middle school, so the “2007″ in my brain is quite likely when I started writing my first novel (it was end of middle school, so the last few months of being 14 and around being 15, which does all place the year as 2007). Which does make more sense, now that I’m trying to remember, I think I didn’t know yet fanfics when I started writing my original novel?
In short: 2007 aka 14-15, I was writing the start of my original novel (I didn’t finish back then), and somewhere 15-16 so in 2008 I started reading fics (and it was my first year of high school, which, actually does fit better the settings of the school library I vaguely recall). And roughly one year after, in 2009 when I was 17, I made my ffnet account and posted my first fic (which was written either on the spot, or started a few weeks before I made my account, but in any case I was 17 when I wrote my first fic).
For the record: that first fic was Angel and Sephirot in YGO GX, although Eventful Journey followed soon after, so both were completed somewhere in 2010 as I remember I was writing quickly back then, like it was already December 2009 so early 2010 I was very, very likely writing and posting for both fics, and by the end of 2010 I had completed Angel and Sephirot. I know my next multi chap was Hellish Chronicles, and I can find review reply from 2011 in my ffnet inbox. I do think I had some time between Angel and Sephirot and Hellish Chronicle, so that’s why I do feel I finished that first fic at most mid 2010 (and continued more slowly working on Eventful Journey).
I was writing other fics that I had adopted during/after my writing on Hellish Chronicle (which I haven’t put back as I lost contact with the original author, so out of respect I haven’t put them back up), and by September 2011 I can find messages where I mention I was working hard for the start of the second year of college, which does fit since I dropped college after I finished my second year in June 2012, and this also really slowed me down when it came to fics.
In December 2013, I can see the “oldest” fic is Always by your side in BBC Merlin, which is the first I had reposted, and my AO3 was made on February 2013, and I recall that I removed my fic from ffnet when there was some crackdown on fics, but only because I could post them on AO3, so this means I removed my fics from ffnet somewhere between february and december of 2013 (at most, from february to december, less if I didn’t remove them right away). And I started writing for BBC Merlin in 2013 (which seem to be end of 2013), which was after maybe one year or one and a half since I properly wrote anything multi chaptered (while some of the last YGO GX writing I did, one shots, were dated October 2013 so there were still months).
2007 (14-15) is first dabble in original novel, 2008 (15-16) is when I first started reading fics (and never stopped since then!), December 2009 (17) is when I created my ffnet account and so could post fics, first half of 2010 (still 17) is when I likely wrote and finished Angel and Sephirot, 2010-2011 (17-18) is when I was writing for YGO GX, end of 2001-first half of 2012 is when I had too much going on to write as much and so spent months either not writing, or like, writing one chapter every few weeks/months, but also it’s second half of 2012 that I started working again on my first novel, February 2013 I made my AO3 account, in July 2013 I first started writing for BBC Merlin, October 2013 I had written some one shots for YGO GX, but was mostly writing for BBC Merlin.
Let’s see for when I started dabbling in other fandoms. Pokemon is December 2013, December 2014 and early 2015 is when I touched KKM (didn’t go far back then in the fics though), end of 2015 is when I wrote a bit for FNAF (same, didn’t go far), March 2016 is when I started on White Collar fic (once more, didn’t go far), (and March 2016 was also when I first posted my first novel), August 2016 is when I started on Natsume Yuujinchou fic (went a few chapters with not too much time between updates), May 2017 is when I started working on Outlast fic (didn’t go far), and it’s in July of 2017 that I finally touched DGM, which soon became my focus.
Assassin’s Light was started in January 2019, or well, was posted then, I had started writing for it before, through end of 2018, but yeah early 2019 was Assassin’s Light, and in general since 2017 I have been mostly focused on DGM. And then October 2019 I posted Shadows Symphonie, and since then I mostly focused on MDZS while also working on my DGM fics when I can; and leaving everything else to work on whenever I have a higher dose of inspiration-energy. Which is rarer, but I haven’t quitted my other fics.
All in all, I was relatively able to be quick from 2009 to 2011, but college and personal stuff really burned me out, I lost interest in YGO GX especially as it felt different to how I came to write by 2013 (which is why my first two fics are the only one that I might rewrite one day), BBC Merlin stole my heart and brought me back to writing fics properly, I wrote more for it compared to all other fandoms that followed until DGM. All those other fandoms, I had a burst of inspiration, but the actual drive didn’t last, which I also suspect is because it did take me years to feel more, recovered. That and I was working on my original writing too, so. And then when I came into DGM, it brought me a large dose of inspiration, and I’ve wriiten more for it than any other fandom.
When you look at it, I have indeed the most fics in DGM (especially as I did events), then it’s BBC Merlin (which is still one of my all time favorite, alongside DGM and MDZS), and then it’s YGO GX (which is due to how I was more active very early on then the burn out hit me).
And while in number I don’t have as many MDZS fics, in spirit I certainly place it as same level as DGM.
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jadeile-writes · 4 years
Text
Fanfic Progress Update 66
Hellllllo, everyone~! It’s Saturday, so it’s time to see what I’ve been up to. Stay tuned to the end of this post for a spoiler-y glimpse into the next chapter of Adventure gone Mini.
Current WIPs:
Adventure gone Mini
Fandom: Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild / The Minish Cap
Summary: Sidon is given his very own Sheikah Slate, the first replica Purah has managed to make, and sets out to travel with Link with the intention of registering warp points for convenient travel in the future. However, when a malfunction shrinks them down to the size of bugs, and they meet little people called the Minish, they have to change their plans from “fun adventuring” to “getting out of this mess”. Not that those two have to exclude one another. Link/Sidon.
Progress: Chapter 39 is the current latest chapter and was posted on 27th of May. Chapter 40 1/4th done and scheduled for 17th of June.
I post a new chapter every three weeks on Wednesdays. These updates always include a sneak-peek for the next chapter, slowly getting longer over the three weeks waiting period.
—–
That month of the year
Fandom: Hazbin Hotel
Summary: Every year, for a single month, the Radio Demon gets… emotional. His antlers are in velvet and he’s pumped full of hormones that make him behave quite unlike himself: suddenly, everywhere he looks, instead of seeing fellow demons all he sees are helpless little fawns that nobody is taking a proper care of! Solution? Adopt them.
Husk, Niffty, Camille, Honey, and the rest of the older Fawns put up with their Mom/Dad’s nonsense every year, but this time there’s a new, rotten apple in their midst and they have to protect Alastor from this crook. Without Alastor knowing about it. As Husk likes to put it: “This is fucking bullshit. …I mean fudgy nonsense.”
(Crack taken seriously. Gen)
Progress: The first two chapters are finished. The third chapter is more than halfway done. I want to have a few chapters written before posting anything. No progress since last time.
This fic is co-authored by Maximillian!
—–
Hah! Our afterlife is the most hilarious bushwa, dearest
Fandom: Hazbin Hotel
Summary: This is not a stand-alone story! This is a oneshot/drabble collection in the universe of “Shit, the Radio Demon is a part of my afterlife”. Read the main story before bothering with this one.
I decided to give my readers a chance to throw Radiohusk prompts at me, and had the Afterlife-verse as an option to set the stories in. Everyone liked that, so this fic is now a thing. Enjoy the extra mischief from these two dorks!
Progress: Chapter 17 is the current latest chapter and was posted on 29th of May. Chapter 18 hasn’t been started yet, but the scheduled posting date is 5th of June. A sneak-peek will be posted on Thursday.
I now have a whole bunch of new prompts, roughly 20, so we have plenty of chapters to look forward to again! : D
This fic receives a new chapter every Friday.
—–
Secret drabbles and ficlets!
Fandom: Hazbin Hotel
Summary: I’ve occasionally written completely random Radiohusk fics and shared them with a bunch of friends without posting them on AO3 or here. I’d like to rectify that and start posting them here at random for everyone to read. I won’t be posting them on AO3 because I don’t want to, so keeping an eye on this blog is even more rewarding than before for a while.
Progress: I have four separate ficlets at the moment (yes, still four, because another one wrote itself), and a few nearly finished ones that I’ll probably get done sooner or later (with one exception that I’m unlikely to actually finish at all). I’ll post them at most once a week, on whatever day I feel like doing it. Basically, keep your eyes open ;)
—–
Other WIPs I’m not currently working on but intend to get back to someday:
PoE Drabbles (Pillars of Eternity)
DC Drabbles (Justice League)
Diaphanous Relations (Forgotten Realms, R.A. Salvatore’s books)
Experiment in Romance (Hazbin Hotel)
—–
That’s it for the WIPs! Here are the promised sneak-peek into Adventure gone Mini (Note: the text may end up slightly different in the fic itself due to more editing happening before publishing). Enjoy!
Mini
Link and Sidon were man-handled through a hallway into another part of the building. Whereas the first room had been vast and grand looking – and thus perfect to play tag in – the next place had a more… sacred temple kind of atmosphere. There were ornate pillars all around the place, mystical yet peaceful looking paintings hanging from the walls, and an altar against one wall. There was also a small fountain in the middle of the room.
Before the fountain stood an adult Minish dressed in the same robes as the children were. They turned around to look when their rather noisy group entered the room.
—–
That’s it this time. See you next Saturday!
AO3    FFnet    Purple Crayon    Ko-fi
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bakudekuficlibrary · 6 years
Note
do you have any fics with gay!kacchan and bi!deku?
Hello! Here are all the fics I could find where they explicitly state their sexuality.
-Ellie
12 Works.
Cuts Like a Knife by rainbowtourmaline ( T | 20,505+ | 10/? )
“Are you sure you’re not getting nostalgic for the good old days?” His mentor asked as Izuku turned back to look at Katsuki through his binoculars. “It’s never a good idea to dwell on the past my boy.”
“I’m not homesick.” Izuku said with bated breath, his knuckles turning white at how hard he was holding his binoculars. “Just hungry for vengeance and justice.” Or so Izuku believes at the time.
In a world where All Might didn’t say Izuku could become a hero, can Izuku be tempted back to the light side?
Only Us by yoichipines ( T | 3,105 | 1/1 )
“What if it’s you, and what if it’s me and what if that’s all that we needed to be and the rest of the world falls away…what do you say?”
A Katsudeku fanfic very much inspired by ‘Only Us’ by Laura Dreyfuss and Ben Platt? Sign me tf up!
180 degrees by snoodlesfounder ( M | 56,084 | 17/17 )
They haven’t seen each other in ten years, but it feels as if they were never apart.
Midoriya Izuku’s father, Toshinori-Midoriya Yagi, has cancer. He is fading fast, and there is only one solution, an unofficial hospital in the middle of Montana, in America. Because the hospital is uncharted, no communications go in or out of the hospital, and because of the ‘healing’ method, no one can leave.
It has been ten years since Bakugou Katsuki has been in love, or maybe it’s been ten years since he’s seen the person he’s in love with. However, the voice on the balcony between he and Kirishima’s apartments is just a little too familiar.
[Past Child Abuse | Past Rape/Non-Con | Past Drug Addiction | Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism | PTSD]
Unknown Number: I Love You by Explosion_Boy (push_it_hajime), Lillabelle ( T | 50,352 | 11/11 )
Opposites attract right? Well that’s what Midoriya’s friend, Uraraka, thinks. Her friend from another school talked about another guy, Bakugou Katsuki, and the two girls decided the two were perfect for each other. Now Midoriya is left with the number of a guy he didn’t even know.
How bad could it be?
[On Hiatus] We’ll Be Just Like All Might! by Wonpillows ( T | 26,288+ | 10/? )
A role reversal in which Bakugou Katsuki is born without a Quirk and his best friend, Midoriya Izuku, has inherited a combination of his parents’ quirks. After being bullied during one of their last days of Junior High, Bakugou makes a resolve to be the best and strongest Hero in the world, even if he didn’t have a Quirk. Luck would shine on the young man one day after encountering a sludge monster, as he would inherit one of the greatest Quirks to exist. He along with his friend vow to become an unstoppable duo and rid the world of Villains.
Hate To See Your Heart Break by estupidaval ( M | 3,249 | 1/1 )
“Have you ever felt disgusted with yourself?”
Jirou turned to look at Izuku. His face was turned slightly downward so no eye contact would be initiated. Her mouth felt dry.
“W-what?”
[Implied/Referenced Homophobia]
One More Night by Otaku_Princess010 ( E | 7,530 | 2/2 )
Bakugou stepped into the room, his presence already consuming everything. Izuku couldn’t ask what was happening before being yanked forward. Izuku’s soft lips were roughly crashed against Bakugou’s rough, heated ones. Their teeth hit each other and Izuku could swear that he was already feeling a bruise form, but he didn’t push back, he didn’t fight it. It only took a heartbeat, but Izuku was pushing his lips back against the blonde’s, moving with his. Izuku instantly knew what his classmate had come for.___________
Bakugou and Izuku have an intense and heated rendezvous one night. And these nights honestly need to stop. But neither one of them are putting in the effort to stop something so good. Until Izuku decides that he has to come clean, which takes much more than he would have thought. Based on Adam Levine’s One More Night and Payphone
How Much Longer?! by RizetheOtaku ( E | 16,903 | 2/2 )
Katsuki realizes his feelings for Deku, and tries to push him away at first. But Deku won’t let him, and how could Katsuki say no to him?
(or pining Katsuki who’s sort of in denial about his feelings but then talks it out with Deku like the little ball of fluff he is, and…smut happens.)
SeriesPart 1 of The Wonder Duo
The Odd Pair by Pop_Rocks (v_love) ( T | 7,088 | 1/1 )
Bakugou shouldn’t have felt the way he did, or at least, that’s how he imagined it. He thought that something had to be wrong with him for staring at Midoriya during class, or gently letting his eyes fall closed every time he heard him answering a question. After their last date though, things seemed to fall into place more neatly. At least, for a moment they did.
SeriesPart 3 of Kacchan and Deku’s Hooplas
Anyways, How Long is Your Dick? by Lololsuckadick ( M | 992+ | 1/?)
I read the text on the website, it was a paragraph on Craigslist about how some dude was in need of a roommate to share the bill with. Oh great, he also wants his roommate to be his fuck buddy too.
OR,Izuku wants a roommate and a fuck buddy, and guess what? Bakugou seems up to it, expect he doesn’t know it’s Izuku, of course.
[Rape/Non-Con]
Can I Buy You a Drink? by ZaneBee ( T | 1,410+ | 2/? )
Katsuki Bakugou was at age 23 when he began working at his friend Kirishimas Bar. It was all fun until Izuku Midoriya started coming in every weekend with a different dude. Eventually he gets tired of seeing the young adult looking so bummed out after each date and offers him a drink on the house.
Good Luck by expiredbruise ( T | 1,488+ | ½ )
In which, for some reason, Katsuki and Izuku, who are still in UA, are blasted into the future to talk to their older selves before getting married.
Chapter 1: Bakugou
Chapter 2: Midoriya
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chalky-charlie · 5 years
Text
WIP Questions Tag
I was tagged by @queen-of-ice101 ! Thank you, this was really fun; the best tag I’ve answered!
1. Describe the plot in one sentence?
Charlie fights his alcoholism and his feelings for Jason.
2. Pick one sight, smell, sound, feel and taste to describe the aesthetic for your novel.
Sight - Sparse autumn leaves on rain-wet roads.
Smell - Home
Sound - Booming bass and aimless conversation
Feel - Skin against skin
Taste - Your sweetheart’s lips 
3. Which 3+ songs would make up a playlist for the novel?
I’m not okay - Weathers
Moments - Tove Lo
Chewing Gum - Nina Nesbitt
Colder - Nina Nesbitt
The night is Calling - Weathers
Lost Boy - Troye Sivan
Sober - P!nk
(I actually need to post the condensed playlist for this WIP)
4. What’s the time period and location in which the novel takes place?
 Present time in a fictional town in Illinois, USA.
5. Are there any former titles you’ve considered but discarded?
 “War between the sexes” and “Finally Found You”. All titles, including the current one, are lyrics.
6. What’s the first line of your novel?
“ Dancing under the dim light, bodies move and collide languidly, spontaneously, in sync with the booming bass. “
Meh, pretty boring, but I’ll work more on it when I edit it.
7. What’s a line of dialogue you’re particularly proud of?
 This is from an old draft of the story, roughly translated into English, from a scene I’m not sure I’m going to keep in the final version:
"You threw me out! You refused to talk to me for weeks ... You didn't even look my way. I had to come up to you and practically beg for forgiveness for having feelings for you! You have no idea what you made me go through! I was 13 years old and you were my only friend and you abandoned me! And now you wanna tell me you felt the same for me all along? Fuck that! "
(This is old and cringe-y and dramatic but I remember writing this and feeling so proud. I still feel proud of myself for writing it, despite the dRaMa ™)
8. Which line from the novel most represents it as a whole?
 At the moment I don’t think any line represents it at all lol
9. Who are your character(s) faceclaims?
I never really settle for just one face. I feel like my characters look like themselves and trying to find just one person that fits my image of them is kinda hard so I chose the people I think they might look most like:
 Charlie - Troye Sivan and George Pomogisebe
 Jason - Francisco Lachowski (when he was younger)
 Ethan - Colton Haynes and Alex Lange
10. Sort your character(s) into Hogwarts houses.
Charlie - Ravenclaw (I think?)
Jason - Gryffindor 
Ethan - Hufflepuff
1. Which character’s name do you like the most?
 Charlie’s (hehe)
12. Describe each character’s daily outfit.
 Charlie: A sweater layered over a buttoned-up shirt and jeans. Doc Martens.
Jason: A hoodie + sweatpants or Jeans and a plain t-shirt. Trainers, always.
Ethan: Graphic tee (prob marvel themed) and a plaid shirt, sleeves rolled up to the elbow. Vans.
13. Do any characters have distinctive birthmarks/scars?
Nothing worthy of notice.
14. Which character most fits a character trope?
 All of them! Charlie is the party animal that’s actually super sad all the time, Jason is the school’s varsity team captain, super popular and an overachiever, and Ethan is the typical shy nerd next door that is completely oblivious to how attractive he actually is.
15. Which character is the best writer? Worst?
 Ethan is the best writer. He eats-sleep-breathes fiction, wether it’s movies, tv shows, games, books, comics etc. He def writes fanfic in his free time (nerd...).
Charlie is very intelligent but he’s not very good at putting his feelings into words. He’d probably make the worst writer.
16. Which character is the best liar? Worst?
 Charlie is the best liar. He’s been lying to himself and everyone else around him for years. Boy doesn’t even know how to tell the truth anymore.
Jason would be the worst liar. He’s always been open about how he feels an is too scared of being caught in a lie to try.
Ethan is a pretty good liar too; he’s been covering up for Charlie for so long, he’s just used to telling white lies on the daily.
17. What character swears the most? Least?
 Charlie swears the most. He has no filter whatsoever and doesn’t give a fuck who listens.
Jason was raised to be a nice Christian boy, he’s mastered the art of dodging the no-no-words. (Yes, he is the guy who’ll say ‘frigg’ in the middle of an argument)
18. Which character has the best handwriting? Worst?
 Ethan has the best handwriting. Jason has a habit of taking notes fast (science classes, hello!) and Charlie puts minimal effort into actually writing, he prefers typing anyway.
19. Which character is most like you? Least like you?
Ethan. It took me a while to come to this conclusion. Usually, I draw from my personal experiences in order to create a character (like “would I cry if a friend did this? would most people?”) but once I start developing them I stop drawing from within and start building them based on my understanding of their personality, backstory etc. 
Yet I noticed I kept sympathizing with Ethan, understanding where his actions were coming from, knowing what he would do next because it was what I would do and I found that weird; I thought I was slacking off on his development until I realized I understand him so well because we have similar personalities.
Unfortunately, this means we probably wouldn’t get along.
20. Which character would you most like to be? 
None of them. I love my boys, but they’re all so fucked up in their way, I wouldn’t want to be them.
_____
I tag @alucrds @sleepy-and-anxious @kuebiko-writes @floralandrogyny @cloudy-moons32 @monstrouswrites and @reeseweston ! 
I can’t wait to read your answers to this tag. Hope you have as much fun as I did!
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a-beast-of-prey · 6 years
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RULES: tag 10 followers you want to get to know better!
TAGGED BY: @zappsta Thank yooou~!!
TAGGING: Just pinch it and tag me, idgaf
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NAME: Jazmin 
STAR SIGN: Sagittarius 
HEIGHT: 168cm, roughly 
WHAT’S YOUR MIDDLE NAME? Ebony D’Arkness Dementia Ravenway
PUT YOUR PLAYLIST ON SHUFFLE. WHAT ARE THE FIRST FOUR SONGS THAT POPPED UP?
Fortitudo ~In Labours and Dangers~ (Bayonetta OST)
Apex Beat (Transistor OST)
Fine Shrine (Purity Ring)
Joker [KoFXIV ver] (King of Fighters OST) because of course a KoF song’d show up here lmfao
GRAB THE BOOK NEAREST YOU AND TURN TO PAGE 23. WHAT’S LINE 17?
I grabbed Razorhurst first, but there were only 13 lines on that page so I grabbed Battle Royale which. I still haven’t even read yet oops.
Even though Mitsuko had the gorgeous looks of a pop idol, she always wore a strange, listless expression on her face.
EVER HAD A POEM OR SONG WRITTEN ABOUT YOU? 
No, but my former best friend used me as inspiration in quite a number of his shippy fanfics because of his crush - no, it turned out to be an infatuation - on me. I don’t ever think I’ll look at his works, let alone Sonic fic in general, ever again.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU PLAYED AIR GUITAR?
Idk uh... a week or so ago maybe? But it was brief. I tend to slap my hands against my thighs or the steering wheel if I’m jamming along to any kind of beat.
WHO IS YOUR CELEBRITY CRUSH?
*vague shrug* Don’t really have one I don’t think?
WHAT’S A SOUND YOU HATE + A SOUND YOU LOVE?
Hate: People chewing messily and loudly with their mouths open.
Love: Rain on a corrugated roof. It’s a very home sound, to me.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS?
Fanatically as a kid, but nowadays I’m like. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 
HOW ABOUT ALIENS?
Also a ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Idk, I don’t disprove of either thing, but I’m also not holding my breath over their existence.
DO YOU DRIVE? 
Yes’m. I’m working towards moving up from red P plates to green. I... could probably do that soon, if not now, actually... hmst.
IF SO, HAVE YOU EVER CRASHED?
No, but I’ve dinged and scraped my car, and my younger sister’s that I used to drive around before I got my own. I also scraped the side of a van while trying to reverse out of a narrow parking lot at the train station while their door was open. There wasn’t any visible damage on either car, surprisingly, and they didn’t press charges. (Thank fuck, because at the time I was a dead broke TAFE student; I had no job and literally no money, there was no way I could’ve paid that couple back.)
WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ?
I’ve been terrible with reading books for the past few years. I have two piles of them that I’ve bought but haven’t touched in as long;;; But the last one I have with a bookmark in it is Goldenhand. 
DO YOU LIKE THE SMELL OF GASOLINE?
I slipped in a big puddle of it while refilling my car last month and the smell clung to me even after I bought and swapped clothes. And it took a couple of days and washes for that pair of jeans and hoodie to stop smelling like it. So uh. Big no.
WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU SAW?
Uhhhhhh. I feel like it was one of the Star Wars’ in cinemas, but it’s been a while since I’ve watched any movies and my memory sucks.
WHAT’S THE WORST INJURY YOU’VE EVER HAD?
Um... probably falling off my bike down a craggy outback path as a kid and getting a shitton of road rash? Honourable mention goes to the time I was half asleep and had my bed right next to my desk, woke up groggy, and bashed my brow against the corner while I was lifting my head. It was sharp enough to draw blood. There’s a scar in my right eyebrow if you part it, and there’s still stains on my mattress and on the pillow case I’d had on at the time. And ohhhhh my god was there a lot of blood.
DO YOU HAVE ANY OBSESSIONS RIGHT NOW?
KoF, for sure. Battleborn’s been on the backburner lately thanks to that long period of time where I didn’t have any PS+ membership and thusly couldn’t play it, but now that that’s no longer an issue, I’ve been itching to boot it back up again. I’ve been getting my passion for Borderlands reignited on and off a lot too. I’m still working on a Gaige runthrough in 2, and a Claptrap one in Presequel. My little sis and I also have a Presequel runthrough together - her as Tim, me as Nisha - that I’ve been meaning to ask to continue... I’m developing an interest in Skullgirls and Street Fighter, too. The last of which is thanks to a bunch of friends. :’)
DO YOU TEND TO HOLD GRUDGES AGAINST PEOPLE WHO HAVE DONE YOU WRONG?
Not for the most part, no. Stewing on that negativity all the time is too tiring for me, so I generally let shit go and move on as best I can.
IN A RELATIONSHIP?
Nah. Even before falling out with the aforementioned best friend/former crush, I haven’t felt up for dating. So i’m just very platonically Gay with this weenie rn.
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webcomixwastaken · 6 years
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Fanfiction/Writing Meme
1) is there a story you’re holding off on writing for some reason?
/eyes bear novel waiting to be edited so it can be an actual readable manuscript /hugs BotW fic closer anyway
2) what work of yours, if any, are you the most embarrassed about existing?
I’m not regretful for writing “World Wide Story”, but it did feature several problematic/lazy tropes of the fandom that I would not indulge anymore.
3) what order do you write in? front of book to back? chronological? favorite scenes first? something else?
I actually am fairly linear but 1) I outline very extensively 2) have an email draft saved solely to jot down paragraphs or conversations that need immediate documentation
4) favorite character you’ve written
MATVEY KOURINEV (he’s from the bear novel)
Gilly from WWS holds a dear place in my heart, as does Francis.
I’m really happy with how I was able to portray Maru and Abigail in my Stardew fic.
5) character you were most surprised to end up writing
Francis was a big darkhorse. Likewise with Sam from Stardew Valley.
The countess from the bear novel is surprisingly hilarious.
6) something you would go back and change in your writing that it’s too late/complicated to change now
I still don’t like the title “Hold Your Destiny”. I wish I could change it but with a substantial amount of subscribers and beautifully loyal commenters the brand’s stuck
7) when asked, are you embarrassed or enthusiastic to tell people that you write?
Nope.... mostly.
I won’t deny I write fanfic to people IRL, but I won’t mention it off the bat in public spaces. I’m not embarrassed by it, but it’s exhausting to get into defending or explaining it. I’ve got plenty of original work to chat about anyway.
8) favorite genre to write
I actually LOVE slice of life! Mundane day to day stuff is my jelly and jam!!
9) what, if anything, do you do for inspiration?
Stop writing and consume other media. Every idea is recycled anyway.
10) write in silence or with background noise? with people or alone?
It doesn’t really matter; works out all those ways. I do like my weekly writing crew though because of the accountability.
11) what aspect of your writing do you think has most improved since you started writing?
Character development (clearer objective/intention behind actions), consistent POV, axing out the rambling backstory/descriptive padding to focus on the action
I tend to be slightly lazier with my fanfiction though because I see it as a medium where self-indulgence ought to be allowed. It’s a strength of the genre.
12) your weaknesses as an writer
Individual narrative voices especially in alternating first person POVs, creating conflict (because I love my sweet slices of life, I’ve been told that sometimes things fall into place a little TOO perfectly for my characters even if they do have challenges up ahead)
God. Damn. Titles.
13) your strengths as an writer
Vocabulary, dialogue, and balanced description (”big vs small moments” as my teacher used to say).
14) do you make playlists for your current wips?
nope
15) why did you start writing?
....because it’s fun??
And because I am good at it. It came a lot more naturally to me than music or drama despite the fact I’ve had years of practice in those fields, and I also feel more confident in my skill here than I ever did there.
16) are there any characters who haunt you?
Ursa and Yurie hover behind my headboard, Matvey glowers at the end of the bed and Polina is my personal poltergeist wailing from the ceiling. Because I’m supposed to be married to the bear novel but instead I’m having a torrid affair with Zelink fanfic.
Meanwhile, Gillian, Frances, and Tonia are sobbing in a corner because I shut them in a folder and avoided them for over a year (I’ll rescue you guys soon I promise)
17) if you could give your fledgling writer self any advice, what would it be?
“GO TO TUESDAY WRITING MORE GOSH DON’T BE LAZY”
18) were there any works you read that affected you so much that it influenced your writing style? what were they?
The age when I read and devoured the most books were about 8-13 years old, so I loves me middle grade something fierce. Sharon Creech, Jerry Spinelli - faves faves faves. And actually, the Redwall series probably has had the biggest impact on how I view and write the fantasy genre. I’m serious.
And since my final year of undergrad theatre major life was basically just dramaturging the heck out of Anton Chekhov for 8 months, I’d say he’s my biggest adult literary influence. Especially in the way of character building and dialogue. Want to improve your dialogue? READ PLAYS.
(Honestly I feel like the stuff I like to read isn’t what I usually write; Ray Bradbury’s work is a treasure and I savour ALL his words, but I sure as hell don’t write the way he does.)
19) when it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.?
I outline a lot and they’re pretty detailed. The outline can definitely change by the way. It changes extremely frequently. Honestly it’s just a comfort/fallback for me to know that I have some sort of direction for the story.
20) do you write in long sit-down sessions or in little spurts?
I have a weekly session with IRL friends where we meet up at a cafe on Tuesday evenings and plunk the words out for roughly 2.5-3 hours. Technically Thursdays too but I’ve been skipping them recently (baaaaaad!) Since Mondays are my days off I sometimes escape then too.
Otherwise I will confess I just veg out at home after work.
21) what do you think when you read over your older work?
“This is clearly older work.”
22) are there any subjects that make you uncomfortable to write?
My fic will rarely go above T, and if it does it’ll probably be M for violence/tragedy rather than any sexual content. There’s plenty of it out there written by folk who can pull it off way better than me anyway!
23) any obscure life experiences that you feel have helped your writing?
Having studied theatre, including stage combat, particularly rapier/broadsword has been hella useful in writing Zelda fanfic. You know, the one with Link the famous swordsman with that famous sword. Oh, same with Abigail in “Beneath the Surface” too. I’m not googling when I describe their fights. 
24) have you ever become an expert on something you previously knew nothing about, in order to better a scene or a story?
Not related to my work, but I now possess a fairly extensive knowledge of sea creatures from the creative writing workshops I teach at my job. For some reason the ages 6-8 classes are always ocean themed.
Did you know some sharks lay eggs that look like oblong sacs?? They’re like big leather tampons. That, and sea dragons can’t move independently. They just cling to seaweed and hope for the best, the poor tiny delicate things.
Not even talking about how much Zelda lore stuff I read up on now, wow
25) copy/paste a few sentences or a short paragraph that you’re particularly proud of
Whyyyy don’t I just be a big fat shill and link you to my AO3
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Of Piercings And Dreams
A/N: Based on my lovely convo with @constellunaa and @rivendell101! I’d write more but Tumblr is being a piece of shit and I’m one more lag from throwing my laptop out the window <3
A late night text from Natsu sends Lucy's mind down a oneway track to more-than-friendly places.
Pairing: Nalu, Fairy Tail
Word Count: 9707
Rating: M
Part: Part One, Part Two
Lucy jerked as she was torn from her laptop screen by her phone buzzing on her nightstand, eyes losing focus for a second as they left the brightness. Her screen read 3:14 AM and Lucy balked at the time, looking back at her screen to see she was on the eightieth chapter of a fanfic she had found at midnight and had decided to start against Levy’s warnings.  
She looked back at her screen, still slightly shaken at having lost track of time so easily. It wasn’t her own fault though! The fic she had been reading was fixing all the plot holes and made the characters even more in character and Lucy’s fingers twitched to hit ‘next chapter’ before a second loud and grating buzz jarred her attention back to her phone.
She picked it up, confused and also a little pleased to see it was Natsu texting her.
Then she opened the message.
An image popped up, sending their previous conversation about whether or not animals were truly fit to rule the world scrolling upwards. Lucy blinked twice before typing her response.
Me - 3:16 AM: Natsu why did you send me a picture of a penis
Me - 3:17 AM: I don’t know if I WANT that to be your penis or not either but I’ll deal with that thought later
Lucy scrolled up again, eyeing the picture like one would a horrific car accident. Curious, but also hating yourself for being curious. It was a nice penis, considering the very few Lucy had experienced and could compare it to. It wasn’t discoloured or nightmare-fuel-looking, and the most prominent thing about the unexpected dick in front of her eyes was the small silver dumbbell through the underside of the head of it.
Natsu (red heart) - 3:17 AM: how sick would it be if I got my dick pierced like that???
Lucy sighed at her phone.
Me - 3:18 AM: Why are you looking at piercings at three in the morning
Lucy’s gaze flicked back up to the bottom half of the picture where the piercing was still visible, imaging Natsu grinning down at her as she ran her tongue over the bar and-
Bzz
Lucy squeaked loudly as she was torn from her impromptu fantasy, shame creeping up her face at imagining her best friend in such a non-best-friend way. She groaned loudly when she saw Natsu was trying to call her. Lucy hit answer, leveling Natsu her most unimpressed glare as his face popped onto her screen.
“Lushi!” Natsu cheered, eyes much too bright for someone that was awake at the same time as students either procrastinating or crying over their homework. Lucy had opted for the former. “So I was looking for a new tongue ring ‘cus my ball is boring now and then I got kinda distracted and stumbled on a thread about piercings and then saw this and it looks so fucking cool! Don’t you think it’d suit me, Luce?” Natsu rambled, grinning at Lucy. Lucy swallowed thickly, forbidding her tongue to let slip how much she thought it’d suit him.
“Don’t you think it’d be a bit painful? I mean, that is a pretty sensitive place to... you know...” Lucy trailed off and looking away from her screen.
“That’s why you’re coming with me, duh.” Natsu rolled his eyes at her apparent obliviousness.
“Uh, no I’m not,” Lucy said flatly. She smothered a grin at Natsu’s high whine, the screen in front of her blurring as Natsu flopped onto his back before focusing again. His bright pink hair splayed on the pillow in rosy spikes, the hint of black roots peeking out through the stark colour. A gold lip ring sat in the right corner of his mouth, metal slightly digging into his lower and drawing attention to how plump it was. Two single jewel piercings sat above his left eyebrow, one topaz and the other garnet, his right eyebrow unpierced but with a slight break two-thirds of the way outwards, a thin scar darker than his tawny brown skin breaking through the also pink-dyed hair. A second large scar stood out on the right side of his face, Lucy’s heart clenching slightly as it always did when she focused too much on the jagged burn scar stretching from his jaw diagonally up to just under the middle of his eye.
Lucy was grateful he never lost his smile after the accident on his final training run of his firefighting course, as selfish as it seemed considering his life had been on the line. Natsu without his smile just wouldn’t be Natsu though, and Lucy didn’t know what she would do if she lost any part of him.
“Please Lushi, I need you there with me!” He pressed, blinking his stupid big green eyes at her. Lucy pressed her lips together, determined not to give him and allow him to carry through with a frankly stupid late night -early morning?- idea. “You’ll be my bestfriend.”
“I am your bestfriend,” Lucy scoffed.
“Nu uh, Happy is! But if you go with me to Gajeel’s then you’ll definitely be my best bestfriend!” Natsu sang, wagging his eyebrows as if he was offering Lucy a years rent.
“If you think telling me I rank lower on your list than your cat is going to make me go with you more then you need sleep more than I do.” Lucy sniffed. Natsu pouted, narrowing his eyes at her through the screen.
“We both know we love Happy more than one another so don’t try and get out of this by bullshittin’ me,” he accused. Lucy blushed sharply at the talk of love, Natsu taking it as proof of his winning. Lucy mentally chastised herself, cursing her heart for jumping at the thought of him loving her. They were best friends, and in all five of the years that they had known each other he had never shown any interest in her or what she did romantically. At most he loved her like a sister, and Lucy had to bite her lip to stop herself from crying at that frankly depressing thought.
“Fine,” Lucy mumbled, unable to help her weary grin at Natsu’s loud whoop of victory.
“You’re a goddess Lucy!” Natsu said, Lucy blushing harder at his awed tone. She eyed her image in the top corner of the screen. Her hair was on it’s third day of not being washed and thrown up in a lazy bun, her pale skin makeup free and bags under her eyes from staring at a screen for several hours straight leaving her feeling spotty and gross. Goddess, ha.
“Yeah, yeah,” Lucy waved off. She was stopped from bargaining to get back rubs out of him by Natsu sobering and speaking unexpectedly.
“I’m serious, Lucy. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Lucy blinked at him, shocked slightly at the almost confession. Natsu looked like he wanted to say more, but decided against it. “So how come you’re up anyway?” he asked, smile breaking across his face and dispelling the unexpected tension as quickly as it had come.
Lucy launched into a detailed description of the story she had been reading, eager to gush to Natsu about it. She rolled over, nestling her head into her pillow as she talked to Natsu. She smiled up at him when he asked questions despite having no clue what she was talking about, and Lucy’s heart sang as she looked at him. She waved her hand as she talked, distracted from Natsu’s face and the ungodly time just by simply talking with him, content for the moment with what she had, and convincing herself in the back of her head that she would always be content with just that.
Lucy blinked, panting as she looked up at Natsu.
“Just like that Luce, c’mon, keep doing it just like that.”
Lucy nodded, dragging her tongue along his shaft, holding his cock with one hand and resting her other on his bare thigh. His skin seemed to ripple under her touch, smooth and powerful and hers. She ran her tongue over the golden metal that pierced just under his head, mewling when Natsu tightened his grip on her hair, jerking against her tongue and lips as she played with his most sensitive areas.
“Fuck, you’re so amazing Lucy,” Natsu groaned, head tipping back and fingers biting into her scalp. Lucy hummed, swirling her tongue around his head with teasing laps. She grinned up at him, feeling the heat from his cock amplified by the metal resting against the flat of her tongue. His head throbbed lewdly in her mouth when she took him deeper, Natsu’s raspy groan making heat and wetness pool between her thighs.
He tasted of salt and musk, bitter on her tongue and almost searing as she took him further into her mouth. Heavy on her tongue, Lucy reveled in the feeling of him filling her mouth, piercing rubbing along her wet muscle as she massaged it and hollowed her cheeks on his thickness. Natsu groaned her name again, rocking up into her mouth. He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, lifting her off his cock and guiding her by two fingers on her chin to him. His lips slated over hers hungrily, Lucy whimpering against him as she climbed into his lap, straddling him. She ground into his hips, burning pressure making her sigh with wanton pleasure as his cock pressed firmly against her mound and core.
“Natsu, I-” Lucy breathed against his lip, his piercing rubbing on her lip and sending shivers along her spine, fingers twisting in his hair at the base of his neck.
“Lucy, I’m gonna fuck you so hard,” Natsu groaned, hands slipping low and dragging over her skin, his fingers biting into her hips as he guided her grinding motions on his cock, throbbing against her lips and making Lucy cry out at the friction that made her toes curl. “I want you Lucy. You’re so perfect. Perfect for me in every way. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted.”
Lucy clawed at his back, sighing his name again as Natsu spoke against her neck, biting roughly at her skin afterwards. He kissed the mark in apology before sucking on it, ensuring a bruise to mare her skin. Claim her. Make her his.
Lucy raked her nails down his shoulder blades when he dragged one finger along her spine, teasing her and making her arch into him, mouth latched to her pulse as he tasted her again. He left trails from her neck to her jaw, a sensitive place just under her ear that made Lucy keen in his hold.
The taste of sea spray hung in the air, floating in from the open balcony doors overlooking the ocean, white curtains blowing in the breeze. Early morning light danced across the sheets behind them and made Natsu glow.
“Now Lucy,” Natsu growled, holding the back of her neck tightly as he ground her down on his hips roughly. Lucy sucked on his piercing on his lip, switching to the ball on his tongue when he thrust it into her mouth. The feeling of the scorching metal pressing on her tongue made lust flare through her bones, fire in her veins stealing thought from her mind as Natsu turned them over. Lucy laid out on the bed, arms thrown above her head as she panted and looked up at Natsu. He loomed over her, danger flashing in his dark and wolfish gaze, tongue swiping along his lower lip as he drew his eyes over her body, slow and greedy. Lucy felt his gaze as though he were touching her, arching into him and lifting her arms to him as she offered herself to him.
“Natsu, please,” Lucy begged, “I lo-”
“Lucy,” Natsu snarled, “I need you. Can’t you feel what your body does to me? When you make those slutty faces and sounds just by me touching you, I need to know what else I can take from you.”
Lucy saw stars from his words, desire catching in her throat and choking back her whine. She was pliant in his hands as he flipped her over, calloused pads of his fingers running along her shoulder as he gathered her hair to one side, revealing the side of her face to him.
“You’re so beautiful, Lucy. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have you.” He sighed, breath coating her ear. He lifted her hips, Lucy’s hands tangling in her white sheets under her. “Fuck, Lucy, tell me you want me.”
“I want you,” Lucy breathed, “God, Natsu, I want you.”
“Tell me you want my cock,” Natsu growled, fisting at her hair. He gripped her ass with one hand, separating her curves so she was exposed more fully to him, his cock sliding along her soaked lips and between her ass in deep grinds.
“I want your cock inside me, please Natsu,” Lucy sobbed. She hugged his pillow to her, Natsu’s thick blanket soft against her skin. She loved his bed and how familiar everything about it was, how his smokey and spicy scent permeated everything and intoxicated her senses.
“Natsu!” Lucy cried, feeling blinding pressure push on her entrance, his head thick and his piercing rubbing on her clit sharply. He pushed in, slow as he stretched and filled her. “Natsu I love you!” she screamed, squeezing hard on his cock as she felt his piercing tease her inside, rubbing on her and creating extra friction and pleasure that made Lucy see fireworks behind her eyelids.
He thrust into her, hips slamming against hers like he hated her. He released her hair, gripping her hips with both hands, raising her higher and forcing her face into the sheets. The fabric swallowed her cries, body rubbing along the bed with each powerful movement of Natsu carving his cock into her core.
“You feel so good on my dick Lucy. So amazing, you take my dick like you were made for it. You were made for me Lucy. We were made for each other.”
Lucy wailed as Natsu’s cock ran over a spot deep inside her, his piercing massaging her like she’d never known, not from her hand or past boyfriends or even any toys she had played with. He was right, they were made for each other, Natsu everything Lucy had ever wanted and driving her wild as he fucked her hard into the pale cream silk sheets, flower petals scattered around her and low sensual music the backdrop floating through her head, over written by the sound of skin slapping skin and lewd grunts and groans and wails of sex.
“Natsu, kiss me, please, Natsu!” Lucy cried, forcing her eye open to look up at Natsu. He swore, voice so deep and hoarse it was no more than a rumble. He reached his hand under her head, thumb swiping across her lip as he pushed his palm between her cheek and the bed and lifted her face to claim her lips in an upside down kiss. Lucy’s back arched, Natsu cupping her jaw with one hand, thumb gentle as it stroked her cheekbone, his other hand softly caressing the front of her throat. His fingertips dug into her pulse when she groaned at the feeling of his hands on her skin, Natsu’s lips swallowing her sounds. His tongue pushed into her mouth easily, Lucy’s breath forced from her lungs with each rough thrust of his cock into her heat.
“Lucy,” Natsu snarled, Lucy’s hands tangling in the thin cotton sheets as he ravished her mouth and body with his own. Her breasts ached to be touched by him and her clit throbbed from neglect, but her body also begged her to keep his hands where they were. “Lucy, I’m gonna cum. You’re gonna make me cum, Lucy, fuck yes, so fucking good,” he breathed, kissing her again before she could respond. His tongue rubbed along hers, piercing addicting as it ran along the roof of her and clacked against her teeth as he tasted her, her nose brushing his chin.
Lucy lifted her arms, sobbing into Natsu as she tangled her hands in his hair and pulled harshly. Her hips rolled against his as best as they could in her awkward position, carpet digging into her knees almost painfully, large building blocks and stuffed animals shoved in the corner and leaving them with room to play themselves.
Lucy felt herself unravelling, his cock thick and filling her so full Lucy almost couldn’t breath. The stretch was delicious, her body only craving more with each rock and grind into her. His cock rubbed intoxicatingly on her walls, piercing sending jolts of pleasure each time she felt it press into her. The string pulled tight inside her was reaching the breaking point, Lucy’s eyes fluttering open as Natsu pulled back, his own emerald gaze piercing her through his heavy lashes.
Sunlight filtered through his hair, the scent of grass and pollen dancing around them making Lucy’s head spin at how lucky she was to have him as he took her in the middle of the clearing, camping gear forgotten by the stream.
“Make me cum, Lucy,” Natsu commanded. Lucy whined, Natsu’s grip tightening reflexively as her sound vibrated against his palm. She squeezed on him as tightly as she could, nails raking along his scalp as her body moved of it’s own violation. “Fuck, Lucy, cum with me. I wanna feel you cum on my dick, need to feel how good I fuck you. Show me how good I fuck your tight pussy, Lucy.”
Lucy unwound instantly, breath falling from her in a stuttering scream until her mouth was frozen open in a soundless cry, intense and overwhelming pleasure crashing over her as Natsu continued to pound his hips into hers. He stilled, snarling a single thing as he filled her with his cock and cum.
“Lucy, I love you!”
Lucy opened her eyes, rolling over and screaming into her pillow.
She was the worst. The absolute, most disgusting, worst person in the world. Her skin felt sweaty from her dream, slick heat pooled embarrassingly between her thighs, proof that her dream had actually happened. Or, well, that she had actually dreamed her dream. Either way, that wasn’t the part Lucy should be focusing on.
No, the part she should be focusing on would be that she had just had the most intense and wild sex dream of her life, and it had starred none other than her best friend.
She opened her eyes, glaring balefully at the clock beside her head, its red numbers mocking her. Her first day off in two weeks and now she had to sit around and contemplate what layer of hell she was going to be sent to when she finally died. Her body still ached at the phantom memory of Natsu inside her, fingers twitching as the stray thought to trail her fingers lower crossed her mind.
Nope.
Not happening.
Lucy could exercise some control, dammit .
She refused to sink to the level of masturbating to her best friend. Her stupid, sexy, model-hot, firefighting and animal shelter volunteering best friend. Who wanted a dick piercing.
Lucy’s libido was really fucking close to winning the longer she thought about Natsu.
Lucy knotted her hands in her hair and screamed into her pillow again.
She pushed herself from her bed, deciding a nice cold shower was what she needed, and then a cup of black coffee. She rubbed her face as she passed through her living room, flashes of Natsu’s sex flushed face and dark eyes and impish grin assaulting her closed eyes.
“Stupid Natsu,” Lucy growled to herself.
“Oi, what I’d do?”
Lucy screamed, tripping over the edge of her carpet as Natsu’s voice sounded from inside her apartment. She scrambled up, glaring at him and making him go pale from where he sat lounging on her couch. “Uh, yo?” he asked, hand still partially up in a meek wave.
“Why are you in here?” Lucy whined, trying to go for intimidating but her knee was kind of throbbing from where she fell and she hadn’t had any coffee yet and her hair could put a bird’s best to shame. The fear melted from Natsu’s gaze as he grinned at her, bright and innocent as if he hadn’t broken into her apartment at... Lucy didn’t actually know the time but she knew it was too early for this.
“I haven’t seen you for a week, Weirdo!” Natsu scoffed. He splayed out on her couch, swallowing hard as he looked away. “I’m allowed to miss my best friend.”
“While that is incredibly sweet we literally talked less than twelve hours ago,” Lucy chastised gently, her heart thumping fondly at how silly he was.
“Not in person, ” Natsu whined. His cheeks were slightly red as his gaze flicked to her before looking away. Lucy cocked her head at his strange behavior before looking down at herself.
And saw her tiny black thong peeking out from under her white sleep tank.
Lucy blushed hard, squeaking as she grabbed at the blanket under Natsu’s ass and dragged him to the floor as she yanked it out from under him.
“Why are you here?” Lucy whined again, part horrified and part annoyed. “And stop looking!”
“Not my fault you sleep in skimpy shit like that!” Natsu defended. He glared up at her from the floor, eyes trailing along her still bare legs before snapping up to her face in large circles. He seemed contrite enough at his wandering gaze so Lucy only made a high noise in the back of her throat and hit him in the face with a pillow. He fell to the floor with a low groan as Lucy huffed and marched towards her bathroom.
“I’m taking a shower and you better have my coffee ready when I’m out!”
She tightened the half-folded blanket on her hips, glowering as she slammed the bathroom door shut.
“Mraw.”
“Hello Happy,” Lucy sighed, banging her head on the door lightly. She looked down, smiling softly at the blue cat winding around her ankles. He headbutted her, meowing again. She sighed, stripping and leaving her clothes piled in the corner with her blanket. Lucy stepped into the shower and turned it on, biting her tongue as the cold water hit the top of her spine.
She ran her hands through her hair, allowing the water to trail down her body. She became aware of how close Natsu was to her, naked in the shower. Memories of her dream surfaced, Natsu's hot hands replacing the cool streams of water running along her skin. Between her breasts, along her stomach, dipping between her thighs...
“Mrooow.”
Lucy absolutely refused to get off in the shower thinking about Natsu when not only was he in her kitchen hopefully not burning her coffee but she also had his cat in the room with her.
She turned the knob as far left as she could, gritting her teeth as water that was one degree above ice washed over her. She could do this. No thinking bad fantasies. Lucy finished the rest of her shower quickly, focusing her thoughts on reading the back of her conditioner bottle rather than allowing them to wander.
She stepped out, grabbing towels and wrapping her body and hair in one each. Lucy smiled when she noticed Happy curled up on her clothes and blanket, content despite the threat of water so close to him. Lucy peeked her head out of the shower, glaring at Natsu's back as he fiddled in her kitchen as if she could mentally threaten to kill him if he thought of peeking. Not that Lucy had much of a leg to stand on, but details. Walking as quickly as she could without running, Lucy made her way back to her bedroom. She gathered her clothes, pausing as she tugged her jean shorts up when the bright blue fabric of her blanket caught her eye.
Her fists twisted in the fabric, teeth clenched around the pillow as she screamed his name. Natsu slammed into her, hand heavy on the back of her neck as he pushed her down into the sheets, skin burning against hers.
Lucy felt need build between her thighs at the dream-memory, quickly turning away and doing up the couple buttons left. Nope. Nuh uh. Lucy threw on her favourite top, the blue and white fabric tight and soft against her skin, ending just under her ribs. And well, if she forgot to put a bra on, who was she to be judged for rushing to make sure Natsu didn't burn her apartment down?
She hurried out of the room after ripping off her sheets and putting them in her dirty laundry pile, throwing her hair into a high ponytail as she made her way down the hall. The remnants of her unease drifted away with the smell of coffee and hazelnuts, Natsu waiting in her kitchen with two large cups in his hand and a bright smile on his face. Plue was jumping at him, paws pushing on his thigh as he yapped at Natsu. Happy called out as well from where he sat perched on top of her fridge.
“You always make it just how I love it,” Lucy smiled, taking the pink mug from him and inhaling deeply. Lucy took a sip, careful of the burning liquid but desperate for a caffeine fix. She moaned happily, basking in the nutty and sweet flavour on her tongue and the warmth travelling through her body. Looking up at Natsu, a different shiver of warmth trailed her spine at how close he was to her, Natsu’s grin fond as he looked at her over his own cup of black coffee with an almost lethal amount of sugar in it.
Deciding to take advantage of how oblivious Natsu could be, Lucy leaned into him. Her head tucked nicely under his chin, body pressed loosely to his as she rested her weight on him. “Whatcha doing, Weirdo?” Natsu asked, laughter in his voice. He held his coffee a safe distance away from both Lucy and Happy, his other hand resting on her head gently.
“Tired,” Lucy groaned into his shirt, nuzzling closer to him. She rested her coffee on the counter, uncaring of Happy sticking his muzzle or paw into her drink if it meant an excuse to get closer to Natsu. Natsu chuckled, wrapping his other arm around her as he continued to pet her head.
“So lazy. Lazy Lushi,” he teased, breath hot on her ear when he spoke. Lucy pouted, stepping on his toe slightly in retaliation. Natsu chuckled again, burrowing his nose into the hair by her temple. “Good thing today is Couch Day.”
Lucy cheered against his chest. She left her coffee on the counter, slinging both arms around Natsu’s neck. His chest shook against her as he scooped her up, walking back to the couch with Plue and Happy weaving between his steps. Lucy could sense his easy grin, toes curling in her thick socks as she took the few seconds to indulge herself in Natsu’s spiced hickory scent and the feel of his strong arms and torso against her body.
They fell onto the couch in a jumble, Lucy firmly on his lap as Natsu settled into the plush furniture with a grunt. “Our coffees,” Lucy whined, looking over Natsu’s shoulder at the pink and black mugs left on the counter. With a groan she pushed off Natsu. He moved to follow, falling back down with a sly grin when she leaned over him and pressed back his shoulder. She stuck her tongue out at him, padding back into the kitchen. Lucy returned quickly with their cups, stopping to grab her light cream blanket to throw over them. She handed Natsu his coffee, climbing back into his lap and cuddling against him, leaving Natsu to pull the blanket over them with a wry grin snuck at Lucy. She ignored how the way his eyebrow rose shifted the piercings in his skin, and how kissable his lip ring looked in the gentle mid-morning light that filtered in through Lucy’s thin curtains.
“One of your drama’s or that new wizard series?” Natsu asked, grabbing her remote from her coffee table and turning on her TV. Lucy shrugged, nuzzling deeper into Natsu and burying her nose in his neck. A shiver rolled through her as the thought of straddling and kissing his neck occurred to her, actions easy even if the fallout wouldn't be. Stupid Natsu and putting his dick in the forefront of her mind at three AM, now she was hyper aware of how close she was, sitting on his lap and a wiggle away from grinding down on him.
“You’ve wanted to watch that wizard show,” she mumbled. Natsu shivered slightly, and Lucy frowned. She knew she kept her apartment cold but she didn’t think it was that bad, especially because Natsu generally ran hot.
“Wizards and dragons!” Natsu sang, clicking play on the first episode of the series. Lucy giggled softly to herself at how eager Natsu was. She sighed, content again as she sat in Natsu’s lap and determined to stay that way, Happy and Plue curled around her feet on her couch.
Couch Days with Natsu were her favourite part of having days off. It was their own little pocket of the world, a place where Lucy and Natsu could just be Lucy and Natsu, and Lucy didn’t think she would trade that for anything .
Lucy groaned as she shouldered open her door, dropping her purse and laundry hamper beside her. Lucy was going to kill her stupid neighbour and their gackle of ten kids. Did Lucy look like she wanted to climb eight flights of stairs because there was no room in their dumb little community elevator? Honestly, what kind of person wanted that many children? Lucy could understand if she had been a foster home, but nope , her hoard of blond over blue children could all pass as fucking clones . And if Lucy had to have one more forced conversation about how the family was being forced to live in their vacation apartment while their home was under renovation Lucy was going to shove her last laundry packet into that stuck-up woman’s fat stupid gaping mo-
“Yo!”
“Natsu would you please either announce yourself when you break into my apartment or at least send me a text?”
Lucy lifted her head from where she had been banging it lightly on the door. Natsu was perched on her counter, legs swinging as he grinned at her.
“If you didn’t want me to come in then why’d you give me a key?” he asked. Lucy rolled her eyes at his smug eyebrow lift. Jackass.
“For emergencies .” Lucy complained. She shuffled her things into the entrance before closing the door, confusion making her tilt her head as she took in Natsu’s clothes. He still had his leather jacket and white pillowed scarf on, pale grey fabric of the sleeves and hood making his skin seem even richer and the colour of his hair more obvious. Usually he was the first to strip all unnecessary clothes and leave them scattered around Lucy’s apartment, and the sight of Natsu fully dressed to go out sent off warning alarms in Lucy’s head. “Why are you still wearing your shoes and jacket?” she asked, eyes narrowed in suspicion.
Natsu beamed at her as he hopped off her counter, walking towards her. “My appointment at Blue Iron is in half an hour!” he said, grabbing Lucy’s laundry and placing it on the chair by her entrance closet.
“Wha- oh my God you were serious?” Lucy gaped. Natsu eyed her over critically, as if she might have a fever or had run head first into a telephone pole -which she had sadly seen Natsu do more than once.
“Duh, Weirdo. Did you snort some of that laundry powder again like when Happy knocked you over a year ago?” Natsu asked, resting a hand on her forehead. Lucy glared up at him, huffing as she rested her hands on her hips.
“Natsu as your best friend and apparently your damn brain I refuse to allow you to get your dick pierced.”
“But Lushi ,” Natsu whined, wrapping his arms around her waist and hugging her to his chest. He blinked large puppy-dog eyes at her, lower lip pushed out. “You said you would .”
Lucy held her resolve for all of two minutes before caving. She knew her face betrayed her by the way Natsu crowed in victory, crushing her and swinging her in a bear hug. Lucy groaned, limp in his arms as her feet swung a foot above the ground. “Okay, but when Gajeel starts laughing at you for crying I’m not stopping him.”
“Psh,” Natsu scoffed, looking down at her in offence, still holding her above the ground, “I ain’t gonna cry .”
“Natsu Dragneel you are having a needle put through your penis and then having a metal bar put into that hole. If you aren’t going to cry then my favourite colour is black.” Lucy said dryly. She couldn’t help but smile at Natsu’s pout, sighing heavily and pointedly until he put her down. “C’mon you dumb dragon, if we’re going to make your appointment then we should get going.”
Natsu cheered up instantly, grabbing her purse and hand as he dragged her out the door. “You’re the best Luce!”
“Yeah, yeah,” Lucy rolled her eyes, grinning at her flip-flop clad feet as she allowed Natsu to lead her back to the damn stairs. The walk down to Gajeel’s piercing and tattoo shop took about twenty minutes, Natsu filling the evening silence with idle chatter. About Happy, his and Gray’s -Natsu’s other best friend, even though Lucy knew he’d rather be pinned under a beam than admit- latest wrestling matches during down time at the station, his own random thoughts on what they saw as they passed. Lucy laughed along, arm slung through Natsu’s as they walked beside each other and throwing in her own stories or opinions. Natsu laughed loudly at her comment on a tree stump that looked less like foliage and more phallic, stopping in front of Gajeel’s shop. “You ready?” she asked.
Lucy grinned smugly at Natsu’s less than enthusiastic gulp, leading him into the shop and shaking her head at his sudden bravado when the tinkling bell chimed above their heads. Honestly, Lucy wouldn’t be surprised if he was going through with this just because Gray or his cousin had scoffed when Natsu mentioned it to them.
“So ya actually showed up, eh?” Gajeel rumbled, wiping his hands as he walked from behind the counter, markers and ink wells scattered on the glass top where Gajeel had been doodling designs.
Lucy smiled to herself, pleased at being right.
Natsu scoffed, puffing out his chest and walking with more of a cocky leen, Lucy completely unfooled as his arm tightened around hers. “I see ya brought Bunny Girl for emotional support,” Gajeel continued to drawl. Lucy rolled her eyes at the nickname. She gets drunk and gets one measly cute little bunny outline tattooed on her ribcage and suddenly it’s a nickname for life. “Wha’dya do, drag her out of her apartment?” Lucy pouted, looking down at her clothing. She thought it was cute and casual, an over sized t-shirt she had stolen from Natsu a couple years ago as payment for doing his laundry, black fabric soft and worn and red hockey team design faded with age, the front tucked into her high waisted shorts while the back trailed to just below the cuff of them. Her shoulders were exposed as the shirt hung loose, left one lower than the right.
“I’m here now and that’s what matters. So who’s doing Natsu’s piercing? I know Jet’s gotten pretty good-” Lucy brushed off, curious about who would be handling Natsu’s piercing.
“You crazy? Like I’d make any of my staff suffer by dealing with Strawberry’s junk here. Nah, I’m the one who’s handling Natsu’s appointment today.” Gajeel grunted, turning on his heel and walking to the back of the shop where the curtained off rooms offered some semblance of privacy. Lucy grinned at Gajeel’s back as they followed him. She knew him well by now, both from him being Levy’s fiance and being friends in their own right. He could bluff all he wanted, but Lucy knew Gajeel was doing this because he didn’t trust anyone else with his little cousin’s piercing. Why he had to be such a stubborn bastard about it was a thing that had eluded Lucy for years.
“You ready?” Lucy asked Natsu, pausing outside the curtain. His lips were pressed in a thin line, fingers tangling and playing with Lucy’s nervously where they held hands. He nodded, eyes pinched as he exhaled heavily through his nose. “Hey, just think about how cool it’ll look when it’s done,” Lucy said softly. Natsu’s gaze flicked to her, thankful as he gave her a tiny grin.
“You think it’ll look good on me?” he asked, voice a little higher than usual. Lucy gulped loudly, thoughts once more forced back to what Natsu’s dick would look like with a piercing, expanding to him naked and looming above her with a wicked grin, all danger and pink hair and dark skin and piercings and scars.
“Yeah,” Lucy rasped, throat suddenly dry. “I think it’ll look really good on you.”
Natsu flushed at her words, head ducking so his chin was tucked into his scarf slightly. “O-okay.”
Lucy nodded numbly, ushering Natsu into the room at Gajeel’s rough bark asking if Natsu was pussy-ing out.
“Remember, I’m right here,” Lucy whispered into his ear, squeezing his hand. Natsu gave her another small smile, more confident as he squeezed her back and settled into the black leather chair. Lucy perched on the stool beside his head, her knees just below his shoulders.
“Drop the pants, dipshit,” Gajeel grunted, fiddling with his plastic gloves and a sharp, thick looking needle. Lucy felt anxiety well in her throat for Natsu, no longer caring about the chance to sneak a completely platonic look at his dick -circumcised, Lucy’s subconscious was pleased to note- when faced with the reality that she was about to watch Gajeel put a fucking needle through it. Natsu made a low noise in his throat that reminded Lucy of a whine, doing as Gajeel said -if a little reluctantly and shaky. Natsu rapped his fingers on the chairs of the arm, tilted back slightly as his jeans and boxers were undone and open to reveal his length. Gajeel’s face twisted as he was forced to look at Natsu’s dick, but made no comment.
Lucy blinked when Natsu reached for her hand, giving him a gentle squeeze as they interlaced fingers. Natsu kept his gaze on his soon to be pierced dick, and Lucy rested a hand on the back of his neck, giving him a soft squeeze as she rubbed her thumb along his slightly clammy skin. She looked back at his limp length, Gajeel placing a pale blue piece of paper like on a bench of a doctors’ office on Natsu’s lap and swabbing the underside of his head with a q-tip .
“Oi,” Natsu called, flexing his grip on Lucy’s hand as he looked to Gajeel. “You have a fuck ton of these things- shut up I’ve overheard Luce’s convos with Levy I know way more ‘bout your dick than either of us are comfortable with but now you’re ‘bout to shove a fucking piece of metal through mine so fuck the pretenses is this gonna hurt like a bitch?”
Gajeel eyed him before snorting, gathering the needle and a clamp beside him. “The clamp’s gonna be more than a pinch and the actual needle’s gonna be a little bitch.”
Natsu grinned, a little forced but a little thankful, at Gajeel, letting out his breath through his nose before nodding. Gajeel grinned back, shifting his dick so Gajeel had better access to the underside of his head and began to gather the skin on either side of where the piercing would be. Natsu bared his teeth when the Gajeel clamped his skin but otherwise remained unaffected. Lucy continued to rub his neck with her thumb, biting her lip as she watched Gajeel gather the needle and place it beside his skin.
“Okay, Strawberry, three, two, o-”
Natsu whined as Gajeel punched the needle through him, skipping the last number. Natsu buried his head in Lucy’s lap, grip tight on her hand as he kept his lower body from moving. “Just breathe in and out and don’t pass out on me,” Gajeel grunted, less harsh and almost soothing. Natsu nodded his head, movement so small even Lucy almost missed it. She carded her hand through his hair, trying her best to soothe him and herself as she watched Gajeel line up the piercing with the end of the needle, pushing both metallic pieces through the hole until a little node was against Natsu’s skin, gold like the rest in his face.
“Just... one more... thing...” Gajeel mumbled to himself, focused as he wound the other ball onto the dumbbell and sealed off Natsu's piercing. He cleaned it with a fresh q-tip, the most professional Lucy had seen him all through the appointment. “There ya go, all pierced like a big boy. And ya didn't even cry in front of Bunny Girl!”
Natsu bared his teeth at Gajeel from where he twisted his head in Lucy's lap, either an attempt at a snarl or smile Lucy didn't think Natsu knew himself. She took the opportunity to check out Natsu’s new body jewelry. He was laid so the underside was to the ceiling, gold metal more obvious against his slightly reddened skin, but the hint of danger that his piercing gave his entire aura made Lucy bite her lip. She knew it was wrong, but she couldn't help but stare at it, her thighs clenching together as her body became more and more desperate to know what it felt like. In her hand, her mouth, her clit, her body...
“Oi Lucy, you want one for yourself?” Gajeel called, snapping Lucy from her highly inappropriate train of thought. She blushed under Gajeel’s knowing leer, lips pulled into an amused grin and his snakebites and centre lip ring making him seem more like a devil than his almost-red eyes and thick, black, mane of hair.
“What?” Natsu rasped, looking at Lucy. His eyes looked slightly glazed, distant as his gaze trained on her heated face.
“You ain't the only one to overhear their conversations, numbnuts,” Gajeel grinned, gloves thrown in the garbage and his body leaned back in his leather chair with his arms crossed over his broad chest smugly. “And I know how much Bunny Girl likes piercings .”
Lucy squeaked, playing with her earrings in her left ear, a dangly star and a crescent moon stud. She looked away, catching Natsu’s intense gaze, still far away as he looked at her direction. Lucy bit her tongue when he swallowed heavily, hand slipping from hers and resting on her thigh, palm on the inside and his thumb brushing the side of her knee. “Didn't know you liked that.”
Lucy inhaled, nodding. Natsu's grip tightened on her, hand creeping up so slowly Lucy was certain Natsu wasn't aware he was doing it. Time slowed around Lucy, something hot growing behind his fog that made Lucy feel like she was back in her dream.
“Fun little note, you can't have sex for a year.”
“ What?” Natsu snarled, whipping to face Gajeel.
Gajeel broke into gut-splitting laughter, almost falling out his seat. “Your fucking face!” Gajeel guwaffed, snorting as he continued to laugh. “Fucking shoulda caught that on camera! Nah, I'm just shittin’ on ya. But it's probably best if you keep Bunny Girl off your dick for four to six weeks, and ya won't be fully healed until four or six months so for fuck sakes wear a condom.”
Lucy squwaked, twisting away from Natsu and pouting when Gajeel grinned at her again. He lobbed a roll of gauze at Natsu, standing and stretching as he spoke. “Now wrap that shit so I'm not being forced to see it. You're gonna treat me to a steak sandwich for doing this, and I haven't had shit to eat today.”
Natsu grunted and rolled his eyes at his cousin, wrapping his new piercing with delicate hands. Once it was secured Natsu tucked it back into his jeans, pushing himself off the chair with a second grunt. Lucy followed after, steps faltering when she heard Natsu hiss in Gajeel's ear. “We ain't like that and you know it so stop it with that stupid shit.”
Lucy's heart sank to her stomach, but she forced the reality check down for a later time to cry about. She knew it, but she couldn't help the hurt at hearing Natsu confirm it. All her dreams were simply that, and the sooner she stopped whatever delusions like the one by the piercing chair had been the better their relationship would be.
“And you're buying me a milkshake for dragging me out of my apartment in my lazy clothes,” Lucy chimed, brushing past them with a forced grin and bounce in her step. She walked backwards for a bit, sticking her tongue out at Natsu's exasperated look.
Lucy had been raised on Jude’s ‘fake it until you make it’ approach to high society social interaction, and it was one of the only few things Lucy was grateful to her father for passing down to her. That and her ageless skin.
Not that she thought Natsu really cared about either of those things when faced with emptying his bank account for his cousin.
“Luce, come back to bed.”
Lucy looked up from her laptop, smiling as she let her gaze drag over Natsu, splayed in their bed and backlit from their tiny lamp that was still on. She stood up, closing her laptop before walking the three steps from her desk to their bed. Natsu shuffled over, leaving room for Lucy to fall into the sheets and snuggle into him. Their kiss was soft and slow, drawn out as though to reinforce that they had all the time in the world to be with one another.
“There's my girl,” Natsu sighed, lips warm as they brushed Lucy's. The kiss deepened, Lucy sighing happily as Natsu tucked her under him, holding himself above her on his forearms.
“I love you,” Lucy whispered, holding his face in her hands as she tangled her legs with his. She giggled at his bright grin, eyes soft and crinkled at the edges, piercings glinting in the light of the lamp.
“What brought that on, Weirdo?” Natsu hummed, peppering Lucy’s face with kisses and nuzzling any skin he could find but her lips. Lucy ran her hands through his hair, black roots longer now, a couple inches she would guess, which meant that she would have to dye his hair again on the weekend.
“I dunno. Just wanted to say it.” Lucy smiled, happiness sitting light in her chest and wiping all exhaustion the day had brought on her. “Because I can.”
“Yes you can,” Natsu chuckled. He caught her mouth in another sweet kiss, the weight of his body comforting as he settled further over her, the fingers on his right hand gently tracing her temple and brushing away golden strands of hair. “I love you too, Lucy.”
Lucy smiled as Natsu pressed another kiss to her, this one deeper and longer but still just as tender. She knew it was silly that she was so euphoric just from chaste kisses and cuddles under the blanket of night, but Lucy couldn’t find it in herself to banish the bubbly tingles that went from the tips of her toes and made her head light. Her nail raked along his scalp, rougher than before as the light feelings condensed into a low simmer in her gut, heat burning in her blood. Natsu remained silent, his wandering hands and the pressure of his tongue running along her lower lip and prodding at the seam of her mouth communicating his understanding of what Lucy wanted. His touch was burning and addictive as it slid under her shirt, fingers greedy and teasing as he cupped her breast and felt the weight of the large globe, no barrier between their skin as Lucy had discarded her bra hours ago.
Lucy hummed his name as he began to kiss along her neck, cool metal of his piercings a relief to her burning skin as they brushed against her. Natsu’s teeth drew a high noise from her throat as they dragged along her pulse, his touch rougher as he pinched one already stiff nipple, other hand cradling the back of her neck as he guided her to how he wanted her. Lucy’s arms snaked around his shoulders, holding onto him as he tasted her skin. Lucy dragged a thigh along the side of his body, moving upwards with slow and purposeful movements before sliding back down, her pointed foot teasing the inside of his own leg as she wrapped herself around him.
“And you call me the pervert,” Natsu chuckled darkly. He settled between her open thighs, Lucy chirping happily at the familiar weight and Natsu’s compliance to her silent wishes, both knowing the other so well words often were no longer needed.
“Because you are,” Lucy hummed happily, brushing the hair from his eyes. She loved how bright they were, his emotions always on his sleeve around her, even if his thoughts weren’t. Now was not one of those times, though, amused heat simmering in his heavy gaze, lips quirked as he looked down at Lucy’s own lightly flushed expression. “But so am I.”
Lucy tugged him down to a kiss sharply, demanding as she thrust her tongue into his mouth and along his, tasting him eagerly. She was done with slow and sweet, Lucy wanted to taste Natsu’s fire, burning and overwhelming and everything she craved. Words were nothing between them, Lucy and Natsu communicating through a trailed hand here and a catch of breath there, their clothes lost as easily as the passage of time around them.
A twinge of pressure and then Lucy’s breath was stolen at the sensation of being filled, Natsu thick and burning and focusing all of Lucy’s thoughts on him as his cock pressed into her. As slow as he kissed her he pushed in, Lucy moaning softly at the lights behind her eyes as his piercing rubbed at her favourite places, Natsu knowing her body better than he knew his own. They moved together, pieces of a puzzle that were always meant to fit in one seamless picture, neither fully complete without the other beside them.
Natsu kept his pace slow and deep as he rocked into her, new waves of pleasure washing over Lucy each time she lifted her hips to meet his, nails clawing at his back and leaving wakes of red behind.
“Fuck Lucy,” Natsu hissed, her hand fisting in his hair making his back arch in pleasure and his thrusts into her roughening at his own fog of lust. She tugged harder, desperate to hear more of his sounds. Lucy followed as he rolled on his side, dragging her with him, her leg curled over his hip and his grip biting into the flesh of her thigh.His other arm fit under her side, hand flat on her back and Lucy arching into his touch and crushing her chest to his. The agony of his touch was beautiful in that Lucy found herself craving more with every brush of his skin against hers and her mind driven wild with the one desperate need.
“Natsu,” Lucy whined against his lips, breath catching before another ‘I love you’ could fall from them, Natsu sealing her mouth with his in a forceful and demanding kiss. Lucy accepted his way of telling her that he felt all that she felt in the moment.
Lucy’s cries grew louder as Natsu’s grunts turned feral, teeth gentle as they latched at the sensitive skin just below her ear on her neck, soft tongue soon lavishing her neck with soothing and lewd licks, the feel of his metal piercing on his tongue making her toes curl as it pushed against her. Lucy tugged Natsu away from her neck, nibbling along his own pulse once it was revealed to her, tracing the way from his collarbone to his ear. Lucy gently tugged on his own double piercing, her lips curling in a soft smile at his low sound of pleasure.
“Do you know what you do to me Luce?” Natsu growled, his voice vibrating in his throat against Lucy’s lips as she trailed wet kisses along his dark skin. They rolled over again, Lucy beneath Natsu as he pinned her arms above her head, hands gentle but firm as they held her wrists to the pillows. Lucy panted up at Natsu, crashing his hips to hers as she tightened her legs around him, desperate to keep any part of their bodies touching that she could. “Fuckin’ drive me wild, Luce,” Natsu said, voice rough with lust and low, but he was so close to Lucy that she heard every word he was saying clearly. “You’re so perfect, Luce, so fuckin’ perfect.”
“I love you,” Lucy gasped, rolling her hips up to his and matching his fast and hard pace.
“God, I love you too Lucy. I love you so fucking much.” Natsu grunted, breath hot over her face and the heat was intoxicating as it consumed her fully. His grip tightened on her wrists, Lucy sighing in erotic pleasure at the tightness and the knowledge of the barely there bruises that would be leftover on her pale and creamy skin tomorrow and the tender kisses that Natsu would lavish her with when he saw them, a sly smirk and a dangerous twinkle in his eyes as he brushed his dry lips over the inside of her wrist.
Lucy’s words were lost in sobs and breathless screams as Natsu drove himself as deep and hard as he could, piercing massaging her spot inside that made her lose all grip on reality, body moving above hers hypnotic as his muscles contracted and stretched under taunt and sweat glistened skin. As he kissed her again Lucy broke, pushed too far to the edge for too long as she watched the man she loved move above her and return the burning passion with his emerald gaze that she knew was in her own.
“Lucy!” Natsu cried, burying his face in her shoulder and grip harsh on her wrists as he came, Lucy shuddering in pleasure as his cock throbbed and pulsed inside her. She felt him fill and coat her inside, inner muscles fluttering in the aftershocks of her orgams around his spent length. He dropped beside her, hands gentle as they released her wrists, tickling her own sticky and sweaty skin as they trailed from her wrists to rest on her ribs.
Lucy giggled again, meeting Natsu’s worn and dopey grin with a bright one of her own. She leaned towards him, brushing his nose with hers and drawing a scratchy chuckle from him at the motion. “I love you,” Natsu rumbled, and Lucy smiled again, unable or wanting to hold back her happiness at her place in their bed and his arms. She slung her leg over his hip as she pushed him onto his back, cuddling into his chest and leaving him stuffed inside her in a lazy desire of staying connected in a way that only he could be with her.
“I love you so much, Natsu,” Lucy mouthed against where his heartbeat thudded against her cheek. Natsu mumbled something that was lost to sleep, his arm snaking around her shoulder and pulling her tight to him, thumbs brushing her skin in soothing circles. Lucy smiled again as she drifted off, catching the final thing Natsu mumbled against her temple before she was lost to her dreams.
“I love you more, Weirdo.”
Lucy opened her eyes, staring up at the black ceiling above her. They drifted from the nothing above her to the clock beside her, desperate to stave off the rush of emotions swelling in her throat for a few seconds longer.
2:12 AM.
Tears broke the glaze that had stolen her vision and Lucy could only curl into herself, sobbing as pain crashed over her. The dream had been perfect , but that’s all it would ever be. A dream. Natsu would never love her or want her like that, she knew she would never mean that to him and the sooner she accepted it the sooner she would stop hurting. Lucy knew that she was important to Natsu, that she would never doubt, but she also needed to get it through her stupid, thick skull that she would never be his everything.
Not like he was to her.
All Lucy would do was ruin what she had with him if she kept allowing herself to want him like that, if she kept allowing herself to be in love with him rather than just loving him. Natsu was too important to lose, and Lucy would be damned if she let something as stupid as her own desires take him from her.
But in that moment, Lucy allowed herself to cry over things she knew would never be hers, and she mourned the loss of things that had only ever been a whisper of hope in the first place. The clock read a red, glaring 3:36 by the time Lucy cried herself to sleep again, still as far away from crushing out her feelings as she had been when she woke up.
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nichetales-archived · 6 years
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About Me As A Writer
Tagged by @shitabukenjirou ~ <3 
1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean? Foxyena and FoxyenaArts is my name for all platforms. It makes me easy for commissioners to find, and dates back to my years doing furry art commissions, which is also where the name originates. 
2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback? (bookmarks/subscriptions/hits/kudos).
Well, the most hits & kudos is Skipping Practice with nearly 17k hits and ~630 kudos, but Courtship of the Owl has the most subscriptions and bookmarks. 
3. What is your AO3 profile icon, and why did you choose it?
The same as the one I use here. I tend to only use one icon for all sites at once, and I love Matsukawa + glasses and smoking aesthetic so~ 
4. Do you have any regular/favourite commenters?
I do! I don’t know most of their tumblr usernames, but there certainly are a few lovely people I am always excited to see comments from. 
5. Is there a fanfic that you keep going back to read again and again?
Honestly, there’s a few. I reread fics a lot, but my favorite that I find myself always coming back to is  Lust and Lies by DeathBelle aka @worthlesspride. 
6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked?
I currently have 253 bookmarks and 223 subscriptions. 
7. Which AU do you find yourself writing the most?
I don’t have a particular AU. I have ~50 fics in progress and aside from those in a series, they vary from Transhumanism/Cyborg AU to cute lil’ Coffee Shop AU. I actually try really hard to have variety. 
8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total? (you can view this on the stats page)
348 Subscriptions and 525 Bookmarks
9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are afraid of people judging you for it? (Feeling brave? If so, share it!)
I have a TenSemi fic titled Human Juice that is literally nothing but all of my kinks out in the open and I’m so sorry for anyone who chooses to read that whenever I release it. It has everything from Erotic Electrostimulation to Blood Play and more. So much more. If you wanna know more about it, feel free to ask I guess lol.
10. Is there anything you would like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, updating better, etc.
Fluff and just.. happy things. I thrive on painful/angsty/poetic forms of writing and I struggle with just letting them be happy for once. 
11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often?
Both! Right now my posted works are mostly popular ships for main ship, but I have dozens of fics in the works for rare pairs like MatsuKuro, GoshiShira, SemiSuga, OiYama, and more. Courtship of the Owl even has Komori/Konoha in it. 
12. How many stories have you posted on AO3 to this day (finished and unfinished)?
Only 9, but that is about to change real soon ‘cause Avery here has no self control and can’t write just one fic at once apparently. 
13. How many stories do you have saved in/with your writing program?
63 total. 7 of them are for YOI, and the rest are all Haikyuu!!
14. Do you write down story ideas, or just keep them in your head?
I write down all of them. My process actually starts with coming up with a title and creating a premise and theme around the title of the fic. 
15. Have you ever co-authored a story?
Yessir! I have co-authored 2 works with @tettsuroo, though one is not complete yet. 
16. How did you discover AO3?
I honestly don’t remember. 
17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom(s) on AO3?
Absolutely not. 
18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers?
nnnnoooo? 
19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write?
Several, but most notably was @worthlesspride, @tettsuroo, and @kaiyouchan.
20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author?
Learn from other authors. Pay attention to what you like about their works and learn from your peers. Don’t be afraid to reach out, make friends, and create a network of support around you. Learn from others, but always be you. 
21. Do you plot out your stories, or do you just figure it out as you go?
I’ve done both. Courtship of the Owl has a 22 page outline detailing everything that happens in it, while Petals of Pining never had an outline at all. One-shots normally don’t get outlines either. Just lengthy, detailed multi-chapters that have complex plots and subtle details/foreshadowing. 
22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do?
Yes, I have. Someone who I had read and commented on their work supportively commented on one of mine; they disagreed with the ending I wrote and tried to “fix” it, telling me what should have happened and ending the comment saying something similar to “now all is right with your world”.  I simply commented stating I had revoked any and all support/comments/bookmarks of their work and that I didn’t want to associate with someone who thought that was appropriate behavior. 
23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (action, smut, etc..)
I struggle with scene transitions sometimes. How does one get from point A to point B... 
24. What story(s) are you working on now?
You Can See My List of Current Projects Here But Courtship of the Owl and my Secret Santa ficlet + art is my primary focus atm. That list is roughly in priority order. Roughly.
25. Do you plan your next project(s) before you finish your current ongoing story(s)?
I mean... have you seen my Current Projects list? 
26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself?
Mm not really. I try to at least work on something daily, though. The amount may vary depending on how strenuous my job was that day or if I had time to be on the computer or if I was writing on my phone. 
27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started?
Sometimes I wanna vomit when I read work that I wrote only a few months ago so I would assume so, yes. 
28. What is your favorite story that you’ve written?
Demons Wear Contacts.  It’s not released yet, but it’s a Demon!Matsukawa MatsuHana fic. I’ve never had so much fun writing before. The fic is in Makki’s perspective, and will be my next multichapter fic after Courtship of the Owl is done. 
29. What is your least favorite story that you’ve written?
My early works, especially the YOI ones. I had never really written before and while I’ve still only been writing for about a year now, they make me cringe so hard. I’ve been thinking about orphaning them, honestly. 
30. Where do you see yourself (as a writer) in 5 years?
Probably doing the same thing I am now, maybe for a new fandom.  I hope to do more zines though. I’ve quite enjoyed those. 
31. What is the easiest thing about writing?
For me, it’s sensations. I love writing what people feel, the emotions, the sensations of touch, taste, see, etc. Or planning. I’m really good at plannin’ stuff. 
32. What is the hardest thing about writing?
Finding the time and energy to dedicate to doing it. Also writing fluff. I’m so bad at writing happy things, you guys. 
33. Why do you write?
It’s something I enjoy, and it’s another way I can be part of a community, a network of people who enjoy what I do and I can build friendships with. 
Tagging: @tettsuroo, @worthlesspride, @madamemalfoy21, @hajiiwa, @rhealmobsidi, @quinnlocke, @crown-of-winterthorne, @aizawa-shoutas, @mystictrashheap
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wolverrrain · 6 years
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Trash Prince Facts
I was tagged by @moderateslytherin​
Rules: tag 10 people you want to get to know better!
Name: Rain
Star sign: Aquarius
Height: 5ft 6in
Shuffle your music, list the first 6 songs: 1. Northern Downpour - Panic! At The Disco 2. Roman Holiday - Halsey 3. Sibeling - Depeche Mode 4. Transistor - 311 5. Trees - Twenty One Pilots 6. The Ballad Of Me And My Brain- The 1975
Middle Initial: V
Grab the nearest book to you and turn to page 23 line 17: i don’t have any books near me but i will edit when i get home!
Ever had a poem or song written about you?: not that i know of
Last time you played air guitar: i don’t haha but i love lip syncing and kind of strumming the air with one hand for certain songs/if i’m feeling like it 
A sound you hate & one you love: any sounds of people eating vs. hearing the rain fall around me
Do you believe in ghosts? What about aliens?: i don’t really believe in ghosts but i do scare easily and won’t go past the kitchen/living room in my grandma’s house because i feel like my grandpa is watching me lowkey. i do believe in aliens, not necessarily the big green ones, just that there’s probably something else out there lol.
Do you drive? Ever crash?: I don’t have my license yet because I’m lazy and always forget to go into the DMV, but I have never been in a car crash (knock on wood)
Last book you read: fanfic lately, but the last real novel i read was Brave New World by Aldous Huxley 
Do you like the smell of gasoline?: lowkey? idk, paint kinda smells good though if we’re gonna go with weird toxic smells? lol. oh and the smell of exhaust and rain reminds me of hawaii, so i hella love that smell.
Last movie you watched: Coco 
Current obsessions: The Lost Boys, Kiefer Sutherland, Stranger Things (Billy Hargrove specifically)
Worst injury: Probably jamming the corner of my eye into a shelf and having half of my face covered in blood and having to get stitches (and now I have a scar there but for the longest time I thought it was always just bad lighting when I looked in the mirror but nope lol it’s a scar and im just dumb haha)
Do you hold grudges?: Oh for sure. I don’t forget shit. I very rarely allow people to redeem themselves, but I’ll still always remember how you did me wrong.
In a relationship?: haha no. i was in a relationship for roughly two years and now i just want to work on myself and figure my own shit out, plus relationships just seem overrated to me right now. just apathetic really.
tagging: @assholeheartthrob @bastardsquad @lostinsantacarla @papa-nic @aliedelanie @mulletsanddishtowels 
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fourtrisheafanfic · 7 years
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GoT fanfic: White as Snow (Part II)
Tumblr - JONERYS Appreciation Week
Day 3 Prompt: Modern Day AU
Three Part Short Story Fanfic / Modern Fairy Tale / Modern AU
Ratings:Teen+ (Part II)
Tumblr media
Read Part I (link)
Summary: A modern Cinderella Story of a child whose world is turned upside down after the death of a parent. This child made to feel inferior, and in servitude to their own family. Will the love of another help pull them out of their darkness.
PART II: Silver Spoons
++o+ Age 17 +o++
Daenerys and Jon kept in touch over the last two years, mainly exchanging the occasional email and a quick phone call on birthdays. The night of their first kiss was never discussed, as though it never had happened.
Another thing the young friends avoided was conversation about anything romantic in their separate lives. It was an unspoken rule between them. With Dany living in Chicago and Jon in New York, both knew that a romantic relationship would not work. So they enjoyed their friendship.
Dany did go on occasional dates, but nothing serious. There was never anyone that made her feel the way Jon did. No one that made her care enough. She wouldn’t even kiss them, she just knew it wouldn’t mean anything.
So why bother? She would always think.  
Jon had Catelyn Stark to contend with, she always made it clear that he was not part of the family. Just a burden she had to deal with on top of her own five children. The Stark children, as her five were called. The older Jon got, the more Catelyn expected of him. Jon’s junior year was especially hard. Robb took a year off school in order to study abroad and intern in Europe, without her first born around Catelyn had more time on her hands to concentrate on Jon.
To concentrate on all Jon was doing wrong that is. His responsibilities increased, nothing was ever done to her satisfaction. Jon barely had time to study, let alone date. There was never a girl that intrigued him the way Dany did. No one even came close to making him smile the way that only she could.
+++o+++
Dany stares at her laptop, controlling her urge to throw her cup of tea across the room. Hating what she is reading. It is so unfair, she thinks to herself. Hasn’t Jon suffered enough?  
Hi Dany,
I am being a coward today and telling you this in an email…
Every time you ask me about my plans for college, I either ignore the question or give you a half truth. I hate not being honest, especially with you.
Long story short, it has been decided that I will not be going the college route. Catelyn needs my help at home, especially with Arya and the boys and the money is just not there.
Please don’t be upset for me. I’m okay with the decision. Truth is, I don’t really want to discuss it. I hope you can understand.
Talk soon, Jon
Dany lowers her head into her hands, trying to control her emotions. She knows college is not for everyone, and that is fine. But what bothers her is that for years now she has known that Jon has dreamt of college. She knows he works so hard to get good grades and he is talented fencer on his school’s team.
Dany pulls up the main Targaryen Enterprises webpage, navigating quickly to the community outreach tab. Dany worked at her family’s company all summer and played an active role in managing the college internship program. She remembers their generous scholarship program, it is open to students from across the country to apply.
Her stomach falls, the deadline for application has passed. It would not be fair to take away from students that researched ahead of time and met the deadline.
Picking up the phone Daenerys calls the head of the scholarship program to ask for a favor. Even if she were to never see Jon Snow again, she knows she loves him and she wants what is best for him.
Her next step is looking up the staff list at the high school she knows Jon attends, pleased to see the staff list with photos is listed. Writing down the name and contact information of the school’s College Guidance Counselor she formulates her plan.
She will fix this, she has to.
+++o+++
“Jon!” Dany yells from the subway platform, waving her arms frantically. She is so excited to see him.
Jon’s smile is huge, seeing her he sprints over to meet her. Pulling her petite frame into his arms for a tight hug.
“I can’t believe you are here, you must be exhausted. How was your flight?” Jon asks, concerned that she may be too tired after her international trip to hang out. Dany used her spring break to fly to Targaryen’s offices in Paris, with college starting next fall she wanted to spend a week in the Paris office to experience international business, she is considering the major.
“I’m fine! Come on, let’s get something to eat,” Dany smiles. “Actually, do you mind if we just order room service at my hotel?”
Jon just smiles, agreeing to whatever she wants.
+++o+++
“Yeah, it was two months ago when my guidance counselor admitted that he had filled out the Clarke Foundation scholarship application on my behalf, I was just shocked. I’m just not used to anyone doing something nice for me,” Jon admits sadly, feeling a tightness in his chest. Meeting Dany’s eyes as she sits across from him at small table in her suite, he sees how much she cares for him. “It just means so much to me, I won this amazing scholarship based on merit. For my grades, fencing and all of my academic achievements.”
Clearing his throat nervously, Jon never talks about his feelings. “Like for the first time ever I did something right in my life.”
Dany forces her face to remain the same, although her stomach just dropped. She went to great lengths to set up Jon’s scholarship, and cover up her involvement. Hearing Jon explain how much it means to him and why makes her feel trapped. How can she take that away from him, would he even understand why she did it?
No, she can’t. She loves him too much, it is too late.
“That’s wonderful, Jon. I’m happy for you,” she says, looking away.
They continue to talk about college, upcoming summer plans. Dany is still deciding between Brown and Harvard, she was accepted into the early admissions program for both schools. She loves to hear about his siblings. Even Sansa is getting to be much nicer as she grows older.  
“She said what?” Dany laughs wanting Jon to tell her again how Catelyn stark stuttered in horror upon finding out about his full scholarship to NYU.  Dany smiles while cutting into her burger as Jon watches her closely.
“Are you going to eat that entire burger with a fork and knife? I may have just discovered the first thing I don’t like about your Daenerys Targaryen!” Jon laughs.
Dany blushes and gives him a small shove as she joins him in laughing. “No, I am just cutting it in half. It’s easier to pick up that way. Back to your story please, Catelyn’s head spinning off.”
Jon chuckles as he tells Dany again how furious his stepmother is that he will be leaving for college in the fall. Dany smiles happily, knowing her secret role in his story and glad to see him to alive and free.
Hours later, sitting on the couch and talking Jon and Dany finally discuss the elephant in the room.
“You are still the only girl I’ve ever kissed,” Jon blurts out, instantly regretting being so honest with her as her eyes widen.
Dany is shocked, because he is so handsome, girls must throw themselves at him all the time. She know she would if they went to the same school. But she’s also been in love with him since she was eight years old.
“Are you going to say anything?” Jon says, trying to break the tension.
Dany smiles at him and decides that sometimes actions are more telling than words. Moving slowly closer to him as he sits on the couch she watches his eyes carefully. Jon smiles and pulls her close, welcoming her into his arms.
“I don’t want to ruin our friendship, but just for now…  Just for tonight.” Dany’s voice trails off as she decides to be bold.
Her heart racing as she sits on Jon’s lap, facing him. Before she can think of her next move Jon grabs her face and kisses her roughly. The moment his lips touch her, Dany feels as though she is on fire. Without hesitation their tongues begin a slow and sensual dance.
Her hands moving to touch his chest she loves how strong he feels under her hands. Jon holds her hips as they kiss, he longs to shift her closer to him. His dick is so hard, he wants to feel her pressed to him.
When Dany pauses to catch her breath Jon’s lips go to her neck, kissing and gently biting. She gasps loudly, wanting him in a way she has never experienced before.  
“Jon,” Dany moans, crying out his name as she rocks her hips. Rubbing her sex against him, feeling his hardness.
“Shit, Dany,” Jon hisses as his hips rise to meet hers. Suddenly his hands are roaming up and down her arms, and her back.
Feeling bold he grabs her ass and rocks her more tightly against him. Dany bites his lower lip in response, both groaning with pleasure and need. They continue kissing and touching each other for a while before Dany takes his hands and places them on her breasts groaning with pleasure as he immediately caresses her.
“Will you spend the night? I have an early flight back to Chicago in the morning…but I don’t want you to leave,” Dany whispers.
Jon studies her face, trying to decipher what she is asking.
Dany kisses him slowly, “I’m a virgin, I am not asking you to have sex. I just want you to be next to me tonight.”
“I was totally down with sex, if you had wanted that,” Jon deadpans. For a moment Dany is stunned and then she realizes he is joking.
Both laugh as they get up and walk to the bed, they don’t go any further that night. Jon pulls Dany in his arms and holds her as she falls asleep. Only then does he kiss her forehead, whispering “I love you, Dany.” Before letting go and sleeping himself.
++o+ Age 18 +o++
“You okay, Jon?” Robb asks his brother, genuinely concerned. Sure Jon is a very broody person by nature, but he has been incredibly cranky the last week. “You are still coming to my graduation party this afternoon, right?”
Jon fights the scowl, wondering how dense Robb can be and still have been accepted to Brown University. Jon is also graduating, having walked to get his diploma right next to Robb in fact…Snow and Stark as last names lined them up together. Yet this graduation party is for Robb alone.
Although Robb is a year older, his study abroad in high school puts him one year behind. He will be a freshman in college at same time as Dany and Jon.
Whatever, Jon should be used to it by now. Always a second class citizen, always ending up last.
Pinching the bridge of his nose, Jon painfully remembers his guidance counselor admitting that his scholarship from the Clarke Company was in fact from Targaryen Enterprises. Clarke being one of their subsidiaries.
Just finding out days ago, Jon has not fully processed the news. It was Dany that set all of this up, every last piece of the puzzle. There was never a scholarship, the money probably came out of her trust fund!
“Yes, Robb. I’ll be at your party. I wouldn’t miss it,” Jon snaps.
Must be nice to have so much money to just throw around.
+++o+++
Dany smiles nervously as she enters the country club banquet hall that Catelyn Stark rented for Robb’s graduation party. As her father needed to be in Manhattan for business, the timing of this party worked out well with their trip.
And Dany was anxious to see Jon again after so many months. Busy with her own graduation week in Chicago she hasn’t had time to email Jon, so she is anxious to see him today.
As she walks through the party, smiling at a couple of people that she has met over the years, she searches for Jon. Spotting him, surprised to see him staring at her intently and brooding she waves and smiles. Jon nods his head, motioning for her to follow him out the side door of the hall.
“Jon! I missed you, how are you?” Dany cries cheerfully as she leans in to give him a hug. She is surprised when Jon takes a step back.
“We need to talk, Dany,” Jon says coldly. “Let’s walk in the garden, no one is out there now.”
A sense of dread falls over Dany, she can tell he is very upset, angry even.
They walk in silence to the garden, now a safe distance from the banquet hall where no one will hear them.
“I really don’t appreciate being your charity case, Dany!” Jon hisses at her, all of the feelings he has been bottling in for the last week coming to the surface at once. “How could you do this to me?!”
Dany instantly feels sick, realizing he knows about the scholarship. “Jon, I wanted to tell you. I did! When we at the hotel, and then–”
“Why didn’t you then? What excuse do you have? You were too busy sitting on my lap and sticking your tongue down my throat,” Jon yells.
Dany’s eyes widen, shocked he would say that to her. Shocked he would throw their intimacy back in her face. Tears welling in her eyes. “Just let me explain, please.”
“You don’t get it, Dany! Why would you? You are Daenerys Targaryen, one of the wealthiest women in the US. Born with a silver spoon in your mouth!”
“That is not fair, just because I have money doesn’t mean that my life is perfect!” Dany cries, tears streaming down her face. She never imagined that Jon would ever be so angry to talk to her like this. “Jon, try to understand why I did it. I love you, I have loved you for so long and it has killed me all these years to see you mistreated! Your life is like a modern day Cinderella story, evil stepmother and all!”
Jon scowls, “So that makes you what? The prince that saves the day?! I never knew you could think so highly of yourself. Wow – you really are something, Dany.”
Wiping her tears, she tries again to explain. “It killed me that you wanted to go to college, it was finally going to be your time be free, to get away. And Catelyn tried to take that away from you. I had the means to fix things, so I did!”
“Don’t you get it? How can you not see what is right in front of you? The last ten years of my life has been lie after lie,” Jon pauses to control the shaking of his voice. He refuses to cry to her, not now. Not ever.
“For years I have had to just accept the lies told about me! That I was shy. That I was tired. That I was sick. That I preferred to be alone. Everything my family needed me to pretend to be, so they wouldn’t feel bad about pushing me to the side!” Jon is shaking with anger. “I just never expected something so deceitful, so calculated from you Dany.”
Dany bursts into tears, it is killing her to hear his pain and know she caused it. “I love you, Jon Snow. Please forgive me, please. I only did it because I care about you.”
“My answer is no. I do not forgive you,” Jon says coldly, Dany burying her face in her hands and weeping. “Being in love, does not justify your lies and manipulations.”
“Jon, please! If we can just–” Dany pleads until he cuts her off.
“Goodbye, Dany,” say as he walks back into the country club leaving her alone in the garden to compose herself.
As Dany returns to the party she is surprised to find her father holding a microphone and motioning for her to join him at the podium. Suddenly Robb and Catelyn are also at the front. As always, Dany does as told by her father.
“I know we are here for Robb’s graduation but we wanted to lift a glass to both Robb and my daughter, Daenerys Targaryen. Both of these fine young adults will be students at Brown this fall! Dany scans the party guests for Jon, he is nowhere to be found. In that moment Robb places a friendly hug around her shoulders as they pose for pictures.
Jon watches from the balcony, he hates the sadness that washed over him. Seeing Dany with Robb is just a painful reminder that she is out of his league. She always has been. It’s time he accepted it.
With resolution Jon know what he has to do.
+++o+++
The next Monday Jon calls NYU and lets them know that his financial funding has fallen through. He wants to cancel his enrollment. As the woman on the phone places him on hold he is shocked when the coach of the fencing team at NYU answers the transferred call.
Later, Jon hangs up the phone…stunned. Jon will be on a sports scholarship for being on the fencing team.
It’s a miracle…but then why does he still feel so bad.
+++o+++
Dany gets an email from the Targaryen offices the next day, advising her that scholarship recipient Jon Snow has turned down the scholarship. It is settled, Jon has turned his back on her and all of her money. That’s what he sees her as, a spoiled girl with a silver spoon in her mouth. She is heartbroken.
Ten years ago, they were just two kids eating cookies and milk in the kitchen of a funeral parlor.
She sadly wonders how things got so complicated.
+++o+ End of Part II of IV ++++o+++
Author’s Note: Part III of White as Snow will be published for Day 04 of Jonerys Appreciation Week (Wednesday 9/27). Prompt: Angst
Thank you for reading, giving hearts and reblogging! Means a lot to me. xoxo
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