#being an extremely selfish person who years for love and validation

[winepresswrath]

One of my favourite things about the locked tomb is the way it depicts love in the context of other people. Harrow loves Alecto loves John who feels some kind of way (tbd) about Gideon who loves Harrow, who is John's favourite. Nonalecto thinks Gideon is overrated but wants to be kissed enough to be kissable and Gideon makes friendship bracelets with Ianthe who wants to marry Harrow and whose sister is the other half of soul and her sickest obsession and her Barbie doll in a tower. Coronabeth is in love with Judith, who went to all their birthday parties. Judith is too sensible to have great loves, but the only people who really get to love in isolation are Gideon and Harrow and they mostly choose not to at the time. They're too busy being choked by trauma and duty and the miserable grind of isolation and loneliness. It's when we see them in the context of other people in Canaan house that the love becomes obvious. Love in the ecosystem of community. Ten thousand years of polycule hell. The most loyal man in the world being constantly torn between his two best friends, only to end up in a love triangle featuring bestie #1 and a woman desperately trying to kill bestie #2. There's no one it's safe to kill because everybody loves somebody. There's no vengeance that only targets the deserving.

[absolutehomosexuals]

Astarion's ascension is extremely popular, despite it clearly being the designed bad ending for him.

So many fans of this version want to argue that it's a "valid" path to choose if you enjoy his character, or that it's equally good as his Spawn ending. The "it's what he wants" argument is the hegemonic justification in question.

But is wanting something better than needing another thing? Yes, he talks about ascension ever since he finds out about the ritual.

Yes, when push comes to shove he's still committed to ascend. But is this enough? Should we support his choice, even when everything but his words tell us not to? Should we trust the judgment of a deeply traumatized man about the best way for him to feel better?

This may sound harsh, but the answer is no.

Because in many circumstances, we see Astarion behaving unhealthily as a result of his trauma: he's hypersexual at the beginning of the game, using sex as a survival mechanism. He's yet to learn what his boundaries should be, what it means not to be an object, to see himself as a person that deserves respect and has so much more to offer than just his body. His trauma is still fresh. And he's so scared of losing his freedom, being trapped under slavery again.

We can't blame him being so desperate to feel safe that he will trade everything he is for it.

Because that's what the ritual means, Cazador says so himself: despite gaining the ritual's power, Astarion is still part of the bargain for said power. He still loses his soul in the process, and that is clear once we see how he acts post-ascension.

Of course, someone that is still suffering from the consequences of 200 years of abuse wouldn't care if he became less of himself, in the process of becoming untouchable ever again. Astarion's behaviour towards himself highlights that he doesn't care for the person he is because that person is, sadly, the product of those centuries of abuse.

He doesn't want to be that person anymore: even better, he doesn't want to be a person anymore: people suffer, people get taken advantage of, people are submitted by more powerful beings. He is willing to give this up not despite losing everything he is, but because of it. And that's what happens after his ascension: he retains his body, which becomes an empty shell of who he once was, with someone else inside of it to fill the void left by his soul.

This situation is a perfect, brutal metaphor of an abused person that later in life becomes the abuser himself, a thing that often happens to male victims of SA.

This is what is fundamentally wrong with Astarion's ascension: he's choosing power, his abuser's tool, over healing. Instead of learning to feel like a person again, to deal with his trauma to life after having endured it, he chooses to not feel anymore, while letting thousands of spawns (like he was) be consumed to get what he wants.

This terribly selfish act is the first instance of Astarion behaving like Cazador, considering the spawns as lesser beings, as nothing but his tools, like all vampire lords do. In this process he also sees himself, the person he gives up being, as a tool. He isn't healing. He's losing all of himself entirely.

Why would someone see this sacrifice as not only necessary to leave his trauma behind, but also preferable to healing from it?

The fan-favourite characteristic of Ascended Astarion is his behaviour towards Tav: in this version of "himself", he clearly is even more sexual than he was in his first days with the tadpole. And this expression of his sexuality is drastically different from the one we got to know prior to this point.

He is dominant, prevaricating, demanding in his avances: he enjoys being in a position of power even in his relationship.

This isn't the Astarion that slowly learns to trust his partner, to build a real loving relationship with someone who sees him as equal and truly cares for him.

Everything that he learns during his romance and his plot gets nullified by his ascension; and yet, this gets overlooked in favour of this more sexually appealing version of him. For people that claim to love his character because of his complexity, Ascended Astarion fans seem to only truly love him when he's less of himself than ever.

When all that's left of him is his body, and he behaves more like the toxic love interest from a young adult romance book, a great number of his fans get wild. Is this all that they want from him? The husk of the funny, sarcastic, dramatic and complex character, filled with this more traditionally masculine attitude, replacing what he used to be? An Astarion that never heals from his trauma, choosing to leave behind everything he was instead? Who resembles his abuser more than ever?

Do his fans who like his ascended version so much to genuinely think this is the best outcome for him, or do they just enjoy being able to project this "macho" fantasy on a physically attractive male character, that otherwise isn't anything like this prototype of man?

We can't help but think that appreciating Ascended Astarion is the same as believing in, if not loving, his hypersexual facade: it's overlooking his humanity in favour of sexualising him.

Which is the biggest disservice one could ever do to his character.

[florallylly]

my PERSONAL OPINION on ro//nance: 

so a disclaimer: feel free to ship whoever you want to ship. these are just my thoughts and my perspective on the explosion of ro//nance since season 4. it’s not my intention to condemn or tell anyone to stop producing their content, i just want to scream into the void before it festers. 

your wish fulfillment is valid, but so is my opinion. so if that’s not smth you want to see feel free to skip !! 

diving straight in… i wanna talk about nancy wheeler. 

to be clear: i don’t hate nancy. i think she is headstrong and determined and knows what she wants. she sticks to her guns and definitely has the potential to be a truly good person. that being said, she is extremely selfish in canon. 

from season 1, my interpretation of her is that she’s infatuated with the concept of steve harrington and the status that he could bring. he’s a fantasy that’s suddenly become attainable to the nerdy miss wheeler. of COURSE she’s going to relish his attention. 

note: i actually don’t think anyone else except barb, mike, and steve himself, ever called steve an asshole. so . do with that what you will. 

anyway, nancy and jonathan act like steve suspecting that nancy is cheating is SO unreasonable. which honestly? it’s not. catching your girlfriend alone in her bedroom with a guy who TOOK NONCONSENSUAL ILLICIT PHOTOS OF TWO UNDERAGE TEENAGERS… that’s suspicious. perhaps his reaction wasn’t the best, but he’s also like 17 years old and protecting himself the way he knows how to. and of course his friends aren’t going to take that laying down either. 

i don’t know if any of the supporters of ro//nance have ever been cheated on, but it’s not just heartbreaking… it’s HUMILIATING. and such a hit to the self esteem. and i don’t care what the circumstance is, unless it’s nonconsensual. cheating is cheating and i firmly believe that a cheater will always be a cheater. 

in this case, it’s also reasonable for nancy to be pissed when she sees the movie theater because she didn’t actually cheat at that time. both of them had bad reactions but they also both had good reasoning behind their actions. 

YES steve called jonathan a queer, but keep in mind it’s a common insult in the 80s, especially with the AIDS epidemic going on. don’t use modern standards to condemn him, but also don’t excuse his behavior. YES he was wrong, but he grew (obviously what with his friendship with robin). and do you really think he’s not going to go for the throat when he thinks that jonathan slept with his girlfriend? 

it’s a classic case of everyone’s the asshole but everyone’s not the asshole. 

moving onto season 2. BULLSHIT. nancy was projecting. like she felt so guilty about barb and associated that night with the first time she had sex with steve, so she associated steve with barb’s disappearance/death. she was processing her trauma which is totally fine, but also not an excuse to treat steve like that. to be fair, drunk words drunk words. 

what she forgot was that steve also experienced the same thing. maybe not the grief and loss that she felt, but it’s HIS house. he has to stare out at that pool every night and know that it’s a murder scene and a grave site. he may be processing his trauma by trying to forget and be a “normal kid.” and that’s fine. 

and to be SO clear: they didn’t technically break up. you could say that they did, or take that as your interpretation, but in my opinion they’re not broken up until they have a conversation explicitly discussing ending things. couples fight all of the time. it’s not uncommon to want a little space afterwards before apologizing/making up. 

so yes. nancy cheated. and she never thought about the consequences of her actions, especially regarding steve. imagine how he felt. in season 3, he admitted to being IN LOVE with her. and she called him bullshit and cheated on him. be so real, if this happened in real life, you wouldn’t be as kind as steve. he stayed friendly with BOTH nancy and jonathan, and continued to babysit their brothers. 

steve called himself a bad boyfriend, but did we ever see evidence of that? he was constantly wooing her and romancing her. like if she didn’t want that, she could have communicated that throughout the YEAR they were together. the only possible way that steve could be a bad boyfriend was regarding their difference in trauma response. which is not being Bad. it’s having different personalities and perspectives. so ??? just a gripe. 

SEASON 3…. so YEAH nancy is selfish. her and jonathan’s job at the hawkins post … like YES fight misogyny and feel infuriated because of your treatment. however, don’t strong-arm jonathan into supporting you when he NEEDS that job. unlike miss picket fence upper middle class nancy wheeler, the byers don’t have a lot of money. they’re living on a single income and jonathan works too. like he doesn’t have the ability to just drop the job. of course, he follows her in the end though. honestly, that only validates nancy’s perspective that she’s always right and her crusade for whatever is righteous. 

but she doesn’t care about collateral damage. she never took into account jonathan’s feelings. she never took into account the effect this could have on future jobs. employers DO check references sometimes fyi. (also i KNOW that it was due to a lot of misogyny, but irl new hires are often the company mule. like she could have tried to work her way up. she hasn’t even been working there that long, and she a high school student expects to be published within months?? just be a little realistic here) 

i honestly commend her because she’s bold and she’s brave. she makes a GREAT reporter. but she makes a bad friend and a bad girlfriend. from what i observe, she takes things for granted and gives too much credit to herself. these are just character flaws and that’s human to have flaws. it’s possible to be a good person and also do bad things. i actually like nancy a lot, but it has to be acknowledged that she rarely faces consequences for her actions, and has never been confronted with the fact that she constantly puts herself first with no regard for other people. 

just a quick note for season 4 bc this is getting SO long: when nancy told steve he “almost deserved” to get shot in the face. okay bitch. now i’m mad. bc? what did he do? and like. tbh WHO deserves to get shot in the face. i don’t care if it was supposed to be a flirty statement, it was SO out of pocket. 

it’s also clear that nancy takes credit for steve’s “transformation.” if i’m being honest, the only thing she really pushed him to do was to drop tommy and carol. STEVE made the decision to run back in to fight the demogorgon. STEVE made the decision to help dustin and fight the demo dogs. STEVE made the decision to stay behind to watch the kids while they stormed the lab. show me one instance where nancy influences his actions, and i’ll acknowledge it, but i just don’t see it. and i think she gives herself way too much credit. because she wasn’t there by his side working through it with him. she was dealing with her own problems (which is okay), but she can’t act like she completely transformed him and made him a heroic babysitter. think on that. 

into my thoughts on ro//nance: 

robin is steve’s best friend. she’s not JUST his best friend. he’s her platonic soulmate. when they were conceived, they were a being with four arms and four legs. but they were Too Cunt and Powerful so they had to be separated. they are literally two parts of one soul. 

now imagine: ur best friend admits he’s IN LOVE/HAS BEEN IN LOVE with his ex. and she broke his heart. that in itself already has me livid, but if i found out about the “bullshit” spiel, i would have to start throwing punches. 

i believe in season 4 that the reason why robin is so curious about nancy is because she wants to know what type of girl steve fell in love with. like what’s so appealing about nancy that she’s the only one he said he fell in love with? and i also believe she didn’t know about the cheating at this time because NO WAY would she have been nice to nancy if she knew. 

maybe you guys can forgive cheating, but i sure can’t. and especially when it happens to my best friend… it’s over. like sorry i treasure my best friend…. 

reiterating that nancy isn’t a bad person, but she just Doesn’t work with robin. putting aside robin’s opinions, nancy fucking hates her LMFAO. like she is So cold to robin out of? jealousy (a cheater is a cheater is a cheater). so it only really proves me right that nancy doesn’t actually care about the people she’s with. does she think that flirting with steve is okay after playing around with his heart before? has she ever taken into account the fact that steve may have been healing or emotionally unavailable? did she ever consider how steve felt after they broke up? 

robin did. and she’s ride or die. 

and a rebuttal to a post i’ve definitely seen before: yes, lesbians do tend to have a small dating pool which leads to a lot of friends dating exes. (i, a lesbian, have experience with this). HOWEVER, a cheater is different. because you have to acknowledge that a lot of lesbians stay friends with their exes. steve and nancy are AT BEST friendly in canon. if you would date someone who cheated on their friend, FULL OFFENSE, you’re not a good friend. that’s just a fact. 

you’re not only completely disregarding their experience, but you’re also forcing them to be in the same space as someone who betrayed them. and that’s more of a betrayal than the actual cheating imo. sorry but IN MY OPINION, i’d never want to be friends with anyone who ships ro//nance lol. it just shows me that you don’t care about your friends’ feelings like that. 

this is kind of a rant and totally nonsensical, but i have to yell about this bc i feel like it’s not even talked about. nancy is always characterized as a perfect girl, but she’s not. and that’s OKAY! but you can’t erase her history just to have two cute girls kiss. 

it’s also completely ignoring CANON love interests (vickie). which i get because she didn’t get a lot of screen time, but god can’t we find another alternative. 

and be honest: a lot of people ship ro//nance so that jonathan/argyle can get together too. or they act like it’s okay bc steddie get together and steve is happy now. 

THOUGH steve would approve of the relationship bc he’s a GOOD guy and KIND, i think that robin would have rejected it. she’d defend that man to the DEATH. 

so when you ship ro//nance, you’re erasing stobin. because robin would want someone who loves steve just as much as she does. someone who understands that he’s her soulmate and she can’t live without him. and nancy just isn’t that person. their history and nancy’s perception of steve just stand in the way of that kind of relationship. 

not to mention that steve and robin are One. like this is more conjecture but they are Literally the Same Person. and if steve wasn’t compatible with nancy, what makes you think that robin would be?  honestly, the whole concept of ro//nance just completely bamboozles me. i’m confused and i’m irritated. because it’s almost like none of you have actually had a REAL relationship. or YOU don’t care about other people’s feelings. nancy kin i guess. 

again again, my personal opinion. i choose not to consume ro//nance content, but somehow it keeps cropping up so i do have to put in my two cents. by all means, keep shipping and supporting them, but it would be nice if you read through this and thought about the characterization. 

[scraftyisthebest]

Thinking about how the Explorers contrast the Rising Volt Tacklers in several ways. Namely, they are both groups with one the protagonists and the other the antagonists, but the Rising Volt Tacklers are a group of friends who have known each other for years (at least the adults are veterans) and are all good at a particular task. They have no insecurities or desire to be more than what they are, know who they are and what they're good at, and trust each other and their skills. Their talents and skills complement each other well to the point where they work together, trust each other, and the teamwork between them is so good that they make a very effective unit. This supportiveness extends to their care for Liko, Roy, and Dot, who they treat as their children and give them a loving and nurturing environment to allow them to grow into the people they're supposed to become. Meanwhile the Explorers are a more dysfunctional group where they're all only really together on a professional level, and the admins all have some clear desire to be recognized and validated for their talents but see each other as threats and don't have an environment where anyone truly supports or cares about each other, and they're all more focused on trying to one up each other rather than work together. They don't have a good environment to help them either, as Hamber and Gibeon are both very detached from everyone on an emotional level, Hamber clearly picks favorites with Amethio being his "favorite", and Gibeon outright states the group all exist purely to serve him.

And then you have certain admins having close relationships with certain characters on the RVT. Coral and Sidian are developing a close rivalry with Liko and Roy specifically, with Coral and Liko in particular having a relationship slowly becoming more personal between them. Spinel and Dot have an indirect relationship of animosity between them as Spinel has repeatedly gotten in Dot's way when it comes to technology and info gathering. Amethio and Friede also have a long standing direct rivalry between them. Chalce is an enigma since she's done the least so far and has no direct relationship with anyone on the Rising Volt Tacklers so far, though as time goes on we may see that with someone, though I'm not sure who yet: notably she's strongly implied to be an intellectual and a researcher.

Within those relationships, each Explorers admin really comes off as a foil and contrast to the character on the Rising Volt Tacklers who they are setting up to have the closest relationship with.

Liko and Coral contrast each other because Liko is very kind and selfless to an extreme, always prioritizing other peoples' feelings over her own and caring more about other peoples' happiness, while Coral is very selfish and prioritizes what she wants over all else, even disobeying orders from Hamber in order to do whatever she pleases and gets very angry when things don't go her way. They've started interacting one on one more often and Liko tries to console her and try to make things better for her, and Coral tends to lose it anyway, but because of this contrast there's definitely a one-of-a-kind relationship between them forming.

Roy and Sidian don't really have that much of a contrast between each other beyond their personalities, which is a basic contrast since Roy is very energetic and upbeat while Sidian is more stoic and serious. But it does also contrast their duo relationships with Liko and Coral. Especially since as duos their relationships are evidently close but different. Liko and Roy are often on the same wavelength and get along extremely well while Coral and Sidian clearly do care about each other but butt heads a lot and outwardly can't stand each other. Liko and Roy show their friendship and mutual care for each other in a very healthy way, they acknowledge they care about each other and appreciate each other. Meanwhile Coral and Sidian likely do value each other deep down but seem to be unable to show it in a positive and constructive way, on both sides since Sidian is somewhat overprotective of Coral in an overbearing way that she finds annoying.

Then you have Dot and Spinel who are both relatively reclusive and stay in a closed-up space by themselves most of the time and are very tech-savvy and web-savvy and use that to their advantage. Both are very good at gathering intel and info about things but while Dot very liberally shares the information she gathers to the rest of her teammates, to their benefit, Spinel keeps himself privy to information he considers valuable without sharing it to his fellow Explorers, keeping it solely for himself, which is evidently going to be to their detriment long term. Spinel so far has been rather dirty playing and refuses to show his face or get involved in the action himself, letting others do the work for him, while Dot has been trying to get out of her shell and put herself out there. So far their similarities have led them to butt heads in a way where they've never met face to face, but Spinel has used his skills to interfere with Dot's work and get in her way through interference and misdirection, and Dot has some personal hostility towards him as a result.

And the longest standing dichotomy and relationship so far is between Friede and Amethio, who are active rivals. The dichotomy is that Friede is a very strong Trainer, a natural leader, and wise Professor, and he's good at what he does. He doesn't demand respect from anyone, but naturally commands it by his presence and skill and is revered by his peers, including the three kids who look up to him and respect him. Meanwhile, Amethio struggles with self-esteem and a desire for respect. He clearly wants respect from others for his strength: that seems to be the one thing he really wants, to be valued and recognized as a strong Trainer. Yet he struggles to get that from his peers, as his fellow admins don't like him or want to work with him and have absolutely no respect for him. It's implied they do recognize his strength as a Trainer but are jealous of him and feel threatened by his presence in the group. All he has is his two grunt subordinates Zirc and Onia who are devoted to him, but that doesn't seem to be enough to relieve him of his own insecurity over the lack of respect he gets from the rest of his peers. It especially comes to a head when Friede actively toys with him and eventually, Amethio learns Friede could've effortlessly beaten him from the start but chose to play around and never took him seriously.

The only one who is currently an enigma so far is Chalce, aka Agate. She's the biggest enigma of the group so far since she's had so little screen time and has done very little in the midst of action, and she has had no personal interactions with anyone on the Rising Volt Tacklers so far. From what little we can piece together; she seems to be the intellectual of the organization and a scientist or researcher, since she was in a lab with Spinel who the latter disclosed some information to, and she disguises herself as a teacher at Naranja Academy right now. So far Chalce hasn't really had a personal relationship with anyone on the Rising Volt Tacklers, but I do think at some point as we see more of her she will. It will be interesting who she becomes ironically close with among the RVT and how she will contrast them, given how little we've seen of her character so far.

Anyway my long neurodivergent ramble aside, just some thoughts on the interesting foils the two groups share, especially now that we've seen more of the Explorers' admins and more of their characters, and how they foil certain other characters who they're starting to become oddly close with.

[opinionettey]

DIFFERENT WAYS THE SIGNS ARE SELFISH :(IMO)

ARIES - Aries want their cake and to eat it too. Aries don’t like to hear the words no, they’re the youngest and the first zodiac and they are ruled by the HEAD, so they can have a very “ME FIRST” attitude. Although they are loving, they usually need to be benefited in some way. Aries will throw a temper tantrum to get their way and can become aggressive.

LEO - Leo needs attention in order to feel validated, which means they could do and say things just to get their way. They’re the kings and queens of the jungle, so yes they’re in charge, ALWAYS. A Leo needs all your time and all your affection, they will not be afraid to look elsewhere to be admired.

SCORPIO - Scorpio has a strong need for control, so it’s not above them to do what’s necessary to control you, even if it means lying and hiding things. Scorpio doesn’t trust easily and they sure don’t trust you, so they can have a mindset like , do as I say, not as I do.

CAPRICORN - Capricorn is a very stern and serious sign, they don’t care much about others emotions, because they don’t seem to have any. (Of course they do) they’re just to busy to sit and feel them. Don’t expect Capricorn to sit and sympathize with you, unless you’re paying them.

TAURUS - Taurus can be extremely stubborn, if they don’t want to go somewhere or do something they simply won’t, even if it’s for the greater good. If you were in a friend group with Taurus and Taurus doesn’t want to participate in the group activity because of a certain person or thing, they simply won’t , ruining the activity for the rest of the group expecting said group to completely change the plan to go in favor of them.

AQUARIUS - Aquarius like to believe they’re the people who started things first because they’re known to be the “trend setters” of the zodiac, however, regardless of being friends with them for years god forbid you buy the same shoe as them or join the same sport as them. They wouldn’t support you, even if they’re the ones who inspired you. They would go to everyone they know and say you copied them, instead of supporting and encouraging you to climb the ranks with them.

TO BE CONTINUED ….

[astrologys-the-life]

My Astrology observations: Aries edition

Every Aries sun express themselves very differently and they don’t have as many consistent themes compared to other signs. That is because they often have very strong interests or hobbies, each individual will have different likes , hobbies or interests. Therefore, depending on what they like, those topics will be emphasized.

For example there might be an Aries who likes hockey and another Aries who enjoys cooking. The One who likes hockey will emphasize that as a part of their personality by wearing sports jerseys everyday and often going to games multiple times within a week. On the other hand the aries who enjoys cooking might enjoy partaking in cooking competitions and watching cooking shows every night. Although they are very different personalities, they both strongly show off their interests. Which is why it is harder to find consistent themes with Aries suns since each one has different interests.

Overall Aries suns are very high energy, social people who can make long lasting genuine connections. They do have a tendency to be immature or childish when they are around loved ones, they aren’t childish in a toxic way, but more in a competitive way. Meaning they might want everything their friends have, or may get jealous if they didn’t get something their siblings have. This is often because Aries wants to feel special and important, because the people in their lives mean a lot to them. They sometimes need extra validation or attention from the people they love, the people in their lives mean everything to Aries and they will always make sure to have their back. If you’re looking for loyalty, then Aries would be your perfect match.

Aries moons are one of the most common placements I’ve experienced within my lifetime as I’ve probably had more than 10+ long term friendships with Aries moons.

Aries moons have a dominating energy about them, this type of energy isn’t everyone’s cup of tea which can cause issues within their personal relationships, whether family, friend, romantic. This is something that Aries moons will get better with accepting over time. Aries moons often take a long time to mature and develop due to selfishness & immature thinking. When underdeveloped they often have bad attitudes towards the people that love them, they may also expect prince/princess treatment from loved ones leading them to have a spoiled/rotten way of seeing things. They also are extremely volatile if they do not get their way, they will stoop extremely low and expect no consequences for their actions as well. If there are consequences to their actions they often times can not handle the reciprocated energy. They may have a tendency to bully the people in their lives if it means they will get what they want, and aren’t afraid to step on others to get their way. They have a harder time with expressing sadness or deeper emotions which leads to a lot of anger being expressed especially through teenage years.

A developed Aries moon is much different than an underdeveloped Aries moon. They are the life of the party, they can make even the most mundane tasks a bunch of fun. They are risk takers who push beyond their boundaries and the boundaries of others who are capable of evolving themselves to higher levels of life, money, experiences. They also are the most honest friend you’ll ever find, they’ll make sure to tell you if your breath stinks or if your hairs a mess. They don’t mind giving a little tough love, which is such a fresh of breath air. They are very open about what their thoughts and opinions are, so you will always know where they stand. No questioning with them. They enjoy close friendships and prioritize their friends, they love going on adventures with their friends whether it’s to the beach, the pool, a party, or the park they always make sure to have a good time and love making the most out of their memories. They are reliable and creative people full of lots of love. They will always stand up for their friends, and make sure to protect them if it’s ever needed, However, since Aries moons take longer to develop they may not reach this point of healthy development until much later in their lives, usually around their late 20’s or early 30’s.

Having an Aries mars is a blessing as long as the energy is used correctly, Aries mars is such a strong placement that it needs a healthy outlet or else it can be self destructive. Aries mars needs to channel their energy into energizing activities that require physical movement that will benefit them such as weight lifting, dancing, cooking, sports, etc. they need these healthy outlets because they have large quantities of energy with good stamina that must be burned off, especially since not everyone can keep up with such high energy. If not channels in a healthy way this can lead to them being annoyed easily by others, creating unnecessary arguments, starting fights for fun, because there is so much strong energy that isn’t being used properly it will linger around and cause unnecessary harm to others. Aries mars can go very far since they don’t burn out easily, this can get them very ahead in whichever area of life that they want to put their all into. Anything is possible with this placement. As long as their hotheadedness doesn’t get in the way, if an Aries mars is ever mad it’s definitely intense but it will leave just as quickly as it came so don’t expect people with this placement to hold grudges over silly things. However, if you made a huge mistake with an Aries mars they will declare war and they won’t be backing down until they feel justified.

Aries mercuries are hard to come across, they enjoy talking with many different types of people. They are very straightforward with their thinking and mostly see things black or white. They don’t think much of the consequences of their words so don’t be surprised if they accidentally hurt your feelings. Don’t expect much of an apology either because they mean what they say. They are good conversationalist and the convos are never dry with them. Lots of fun, lots of laughs.

Anyone with an Aries Venus may struggle within their personal relationships, family, friends and romantic relationships because they always make sure to put themselves first. Although prioritizing yourself isn’t a bad thing, but when it comes to identifying other peoples wants and needs they may choose to ignore the other persons needs/wants/ expectations from the relationship since they are so focused on themselves. They may feel as if they don’t owe the other person anything, and that the other person shouldn’t expect anything from them. They have a bad tendency to prioritize themselves over their relationships/friendships. This is often due to fear of true intimacy, being intimate and close with others may be scary and uncomfortable for them so they’d rather avoid it all together by making sure to focus on themselves. Whatever relationships they choose to have with others will force them to face themselves in ways they may not want to, so the relationships may not be long lasting. They may prefer surface level relationships that don’t dive too deep. If they choose to get over these fears they make very protective loyal and loving partners who would move mountains for your happiness, however this may take quite sometime as it really depends on what level of comfortability they are within themselves.

Aries risings are very lucky people, all areas of life for them tend to be easier in various ways. They may have been born with a talent, born with wealth, born with beauty, whatever it is they can have easy lives if they choose. Depending on their character this can make them really lazy since life is easier for them, it can cause lazy tendencies. If used positively they can make quite an impact on the world and do something really big with their lives. An example of an Aries rising would be Rihanna, she made a huge impact on the makeup industry by adding diversity for various shades of makeup skintones from dark to light changing the makeup industry forever by making it more inclusive. Overall Aries risings hold quite some power!

Please keep in mind these are my observations based off of my personal experience. Everyone is different ant these may not apply to you. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post :)

[onlyplatonicirl]

Errink word waterfall for no reason

I think when you really analyze just how absolutely fucked Errink can be, it becomes a very interesting dynamic

I know a lot of people who write them in super healthy nice relationships, and there's nothing wrong with that, fluff heals the soul.

But let's assume we're going off their more canon-ish personalities, and see logically how that plays out.

(This may lean a bit into personal interpretation so if you don't think its accurate, remember im not comyet or CQ and errink isn't canon anyways lololol. I just love my hypotheticals.)

Ink is driven mostly by his drive to stay alive, to feel emotion, and to not be forgotten. He wants validation, he treats emotions and feelings like a drug, and will seek them out anywhere he can find them. This state of soullessness can occasionally drive him to make morally unethical decisions in his pursuit of feeling and entertainment. It is not out of bounds to call him selfish at all. He is extremely selfish, whether he wants to admit it or not. His emotions can impact who he is as a person. Most of his life he's aroace but if he downs a vial of pink stuff then he'll have love hearts in his eyes because he doesn't work the same way people with souls do. He is at the whim of his paints, and while he can keep himself stable, he can also mentally alter his state of mind however he pleases, which is an incredibly scary ability.

(Side note: When i wrote the tcoti chapter when ink was acting like a lunatic over error, I had a few people be like "Lorel this feels out of character, Ink wouldn't behave like that." YES!!! That is extactly the point!!!! He has full control over his own emotional state, and therefore his mental state. He can manipulate himself into a wildly different person if he so chooses, and he literally chose to douse himself in pink out of guilt to the point he could no longer think straight anymore and his whole thought process was clouded with an extreme, unnatural, and manic sense of obsessive love. Him being out of character was precisely the point, and something I absolutely love about Ink.)

Now moving onto Error:

Error is a manbaby, Error is incapable of a lot of empathy, and has this absolutely insane murderous mentality that literally results in mass deletions of entire universes and civilizations. His actions are absolutely monstrous, and I feel like a lot of fans overlook just how wildly evil a lot of his actions. Does he have an excuse? Sure - he's completely insane. Spending so much time in an anti-void that corrupts whatever's in it past repair can definitely have some ill affects on your mental health and world views. He cannot be touched, he cannot socialize with others without trying to intimidate them, and he does not have any friends. Well, anyone that he genuinely has a friendship with anyways besides generally tolerating. For the most part, he is alone, left to knit and watch TV. Despite his actions being abhorrent when it comes to his disregard of other character's lives, he's clearly not without feeling. He is shown to care about others on occasion, he does genuinely like a few people enough to not want to kill them, and he enjoys trash tv. He has a very distinct personality. He's not a complete monster, but is not really the most friendly and approachable guy either. Plus, not to mention what being alone for years and years on end can do to your social skills. Now put the two of them together.

Ink would find Error to be absolutely fascinating. Ink, when on a default emotional palette, is a pretty friendly guy, and really likes making connections. (Again, for selfish reasons of entertainment? Very possible.) Why wouldn't he want to make a connection with such an utterly unique character, one who's personality and morals are unlike any other he's come across? Error would hate him, of course he would - Ink directly interferes with his plans of absolute destruction, and Error interferes with Ink's. The two cannot coexist peacefully. They are each other's antithesis.

But imagine time passing. Years, decades. How long do you think Error can continue to sit in a white void of silence before it starts wearing him away? It's already sandpapered his mind into a mangled mess of what it once was, but no one can be alone for so long. Error never seems to make any progress destroying the universes. More pop up than he can destroy. Not to say he doesn't try - what else can he even do if not that? Even with his narcissistic and temperamental behavior, would it really be a stretch to say that he may eventually start to fade, to become lonely, to start rethinking the ideologies of destruction he's had since he can remember waking up in this blank space? Would it be out of character for him to begin to feel a gnawing at his soul, wondering what will become of him one day? a deeply subconscious craving for any type of positive presence in his life - a friend, a family, someone who loves him whether that be romantic, platonic, familial. Those with souls naturally wish to seek affection. There is only so long one can go spending their whole lives alone and without any type of affection or anything. How long can you spend knowing you are utterly despised by so so so many?

And Ink? He's found that spending time with Error has been emotionally fulfilling him in a way he never thought possible. new experiences combine emotions into something new, something more diverse and broad than simply "happy" or "sad" or "mad", like a elementary schooler's mood chart. He's found a comfort in someone who's outcasted and unique for it, just like he is. While they don't have the same problem, Error has no qualms with his lack of soul, just as Ink has no qualms with is horrid crimes. Ink gets hooked on this feeling of new emotional bonds. They're like the connecting of neurons that had not previously been attached, lighting up an entirely sperate pathway in a brain. It's addicting. So Ink wants to try something new. Something he's never tried before, and something he thinks will utterly shake the course of his world - an brand new form of enjoyment, to fill up the emotional void in his chest and fall back on his endearing opposite.

And Error, maybe Error's willing to go along with it, after spending so long alone, maybe he's just happy someone genuinely cares.

Ink promises him a happier life, one where he can be truly happy instead of truly being miserable. Error isn't entirely sure about it but agrees anyways. They both take it slow.

But underneath their relationship lies two extremely flawed, manipulative, and selfish creatures, sucking the life out of one another to stop the leaks in their own boats. And they're not quite sure if it's even working.

[withacapitalp]

this got so long i'm sorry lol. that post about jonathan hurting steve just reminds me of my number one issue w steve and jonathan/nancy becoming closer which is that the onus is almost always placed on steve to make amends and take that first step w/little to no emphasis on that effort being reciprocated. like, steve apologizes to jonathan for everything in s1 (as he should) and saves his life twice. whether or not you think jonathan should apologize for how intense the fight got is up for debate (i would just like acknowledgement of how seriously he did/almost did hurt steve) but steve def deserves an apology for 1)the photos (which he never got - obv he broke the camera but then he also bought jonathan a new one all w no actual apology to steve on jonathan's part, it wasn't only nancy's privacy he invaded) 2) the fact that he slept w nancy knowing she and steve were still together (which he literally verbally acknowledges when nancy says she waited for him or w/e). that second one obv also goes for nancy bc she also doesn't apologize to steve for leading him on for a year while having feelings for someone else then cheating on him. this isn't me saying jancy are terrible ppl and entirely unsympathetic (nancy is obv v traumatized and struggling w barb's death tho this does not excuse the way she treated steve) but they both did some fucked up shit to steve that ppl rarely make them acknowledge or even feel bad for, which creates a v unbalanced dynamic imo.

Oh boy this did get long!!

So this might just be curating different fandom experiences, but I don't personally see a ton of Steve being the one who has to make amends in fandom or Jonathan and Nancy not having introspection on their pasts. In canon I totally see that though, and it's a lot. Like I think they're all just really human, which I love. They fuck up, and they mistrust, and they have to learn and grow into being close. It isn't automatic.

I think like.......here's my thought process. Apologies are nice. Apologies are good. The right thing to do is always to apologize if you feel like you've wronged someone.

But I also think Steve wouldn't accept it.

Okay I'm putting the rest under a read more because I'm going on a little meta rant on Steve Jonathan Nancy and why apologies are a complicated thing for them and ultimately not what any of them really need.

First Steve because he's my blorbo. Steve is a really interesting character. He has this veneer of extreme self confidence that hides a really soft core of a person that ultimately experiences a significant amount of rejection. He has this brittle exterior that's bitchy and snarky and gives as good as it gets, but things touch him in a deeper way that I think is easy for a lot of people to ignore. I could totally see Jonathan awkwardly trying to bring things up to maybe try and apologize only for Steve to be like nah man we're fine! It didn't work out no biggie, I'm aok, you guys work together and we didn't.

Steve is constantly searching for validation and love (Implied because his parents are neglectful or at the very least have an extremely bad marriage that would be enough to add layers to anything) I think that the bullshit conversation really impacted Steve in a significant way, but if he shared that, then he's leaving himself vulnerable to getting hurt again, so he would do everything in his power to truly make everyone think he's okay, even potentially making himself think he's okay too, when deep down he isn't.

I alsoooo don't really think that Nancy or Jonathan necessarily feel bad. If Steve is pushing so hard to say he isn't hurt, then eventually I could see them not thinking too hard on it. Jonathan because in canon they aren't really friends obviously (Which is a goddamn travesty by the way I wrote an entire series of fics because I hated that they weren't friends) and Nancy because Nancy is an extremely self focused person.

Not selfish. I think it's important to make the distinction between selfish and self-focused. I don't think she's intentionally doing things to hurt the people around her for her own gain, but she thinks about how things effect her and how things impact her first and foremost. Not even just with Steve, but with everyone. A good example of this is in season three when she cost Jonathan his job too with her sleuthing. Her boyfriend who is in a very bad financial situation at home and could have really used a job that actually pertained to his interests and might have lead to future relationships in his industry. She didn't feel bad about that, she was too focused on the injustice to her. Even something as simple as never knocking when he's in the dark room and ruining his pictures over and over.

She just doesn't think about other people, which makes sense! She's a teenager, she's a privileged person, and she's smart as all hell. She gets extremely focused on doing the 'right' thing (according to her rules and her mind because she knows she's smart and thinks she's the smartest in the room always) and she misses doing the best thing a lot of the time.

For Steve, someone who is clearly extremely not self focused-which is also not a great way to be because extremes never are- and Jonathan- Someone who has been forced to put his family first his entire life- that is always going to be a point of conflict in her relationships with them.

But I don't know if we've ever seen Nancy give a genuine apology in the show, and I honestly doubt we ever would. It's not in her character really. But! Regardless of all of that, apology isn't really the end goal. Saying your sorry shouldn't be the end of something. I would much rather see Nancy Steve and Jonathan grow into people with more empathy and ability to own up to their shit/call people out on their stuff in the future rather than rehashing their past again. Unfortunately I have a feeling season five is gonna be a lot of rehashing lmaoooo

[zimbardos]

I finished Infinite Jest.

(This post contains spoilers)

I'm proud of myself for doing it. And only in two months especially since English is far from being my native language. I used the Wiki to look up difficult words while reading.

I was very pleased with the ending. It was perfectly ambiguous enough to end there. I was sure Gately died in the hospital and got a flashback to his rock bottom, it seemed so open-ended in a good way.

And then I found out I was wrong about many things. I missed a lot of the plot (since it's not chronological or clear). It's definitely not spoon fed to you and you have to really research the timeline. I was extremely impressed at how the different plots connected to each other perfectly. It's so brilliant now that I get the inter-connectedness and the incredible Lost-style foreshadowing. I don't know how he did it. Nothing in the book is meaningless, everything serves a purpose and tells a bigger story. It's incredible.

I really feel like it was worth the effort. It was difficult but I feel so complete now in a way.

Infinite Jest really helped me on a personal level too, to come to terms with the way I see academic achievement. I watched the film The End of the Tour about two weeks before I started the book. I really loved the movie and I stayed up watching his interviews, discovered I like the way he looks at the world (keep in mind DFW obviously was a really shitty human being irl though) and I decided to order the book, which I rarely do (I don't really buy books before reading them because I often end up disappointed with the book and feel like I've wasted money on it). IJ came to me at a time in my life when I was very confused about achievement. I'm studying to become a clinical psychologist, in my country it's an extremely competitive, long and difficult journey where you're constantly evaluated and compare yourself to others. I thought a lot about how do I not care enough that if I fail on this journey my self esteem won't shatter, while simultaneously caring enough to work hard to achieve it.

During my first year, I was really anxious about getting on the Dean's List. No particular reason other the selfish need for affirmation that I was good (the fact that I NEED to be good to get to my dream job obviously contributed though so it's not all narcissism) an entire year of worrying about it intensely. A few days before I watched the movie, I got an email that I was on the Dean's List. Seeing my name there made me happy, but that high only lasted about 10 minutes. I was confused, sad and disappointed as to why the suffering was so long and the pay-off so short. I tried to make sense of it. Why wasn't I really happy? I naively thought I'd be happy when I get the email. My overall wellbeing during that year was great, but it had the caveat at the back of my mind of "This is good, but I'll be TRULY happy when I'm on the Dean's List". It didn't fulfill all my dreams. Is this what is going to happen to me when I become a psychologist? I saw videos of doctors who talked about finally getting to their M.D.s and realizing the day to day life as a doctor was just as gray and boring and grueling (obviously that doesn't mean that pursuing these careers isn't worthwhile, it's just not going to magically solve all your problems and you shouldn't look at it that way). It was scary in an existential way. A small crisis.

In the book, the Enfield Tennis Academy is a highly competitive place and they have a great philosophy that they try to teach the young players in order for them to be resilient to the difficult psychic struggles of being an athlete of this level. There's an emphasis on caring and not caring at the same time, not thinking about the potential future fame, only existing in the moment. I felt very validated and seen by Hal's struggle especially. DFW was deeply concerned with that kind of stuff. You hear from his interviews he was fascinated by the difficulty of dedicating your life to something and then failing (see also: "How Tracy Austin Broke My Heart").

The main thing I got from the book is to try to get to that point where you don't put all your eggs in the one basket of achievement, it alone won't bring you much happiness.

The achievement part is not the only reason to read the book. He also deals with entertainment in general (which is a whole 'nother conversation... especially since things in this regard are so much worse nowadays compared to the 90's when IJ was written. I would have loved his thoughts on how the internet changed the world. We live now more than ever in a world where you have the right to be entertained all the time, constantly, your mind never getting a moment of quiet for itself if you don't want it) and with drug addiction.

Anyway, it's a phenomenal book. I highly recommend it. I feel stronger now in my pursuit of personal academic milestones. I feel changed as a person, the way only truly great books can change you.

[justkenz]

Hello, I've been struggling with something lately and I really have no one else I can ask. My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for 2 years. It's my first relationship ever. A few days ago I broke it off because I kept thinking of wanting to try dating other people in the future. We have an age gap. And being very intimate starting becoming uncomfortable, so I thought maybe I'd lost romantic love for him. Even after my decision I still feel lost and even feel it wasn't a good choice at all. He's such a kind and loving person and he's very important to me. He's supported me through hard times. My chest feels painful all the time when I'm not distracting myself from our separation. Being only friends feels uncomfortable. I feel really selfish, and I know no one can tell me the "right choice", but do you have any advice that can help me?

Hey, so first let me tell you this, the first relationship is always the hardest to get over. Without a doubt. It also sounds like you have some very valid reasons for wanting to end things, and you should give yourself the time to explore yourself and your needs more. Take time to heal, grow, and feel confident in what you want and who you are.

When you leave your first relationship it can feel like you have completely lost your way, especially if you've been with them for a while. Sure, they might be great and of course, they are important to you, but that doesn't mean they are necessarily the right person for you.

I really think it would be beneficial for you to take this breakup as a way to focus on yourself, figure out your wants and needs, heal from this relationship, and then see where life takes you. Who's to say that later down the line you both might try again, but right now I think you should focus on yourself.

It will never feel like the right choice until you've completely healed and moved forward. And, if you decided to try again and get back together, just know that is okay too, it is extremely hard to let go of your first. Take care of yourself, and I wish you the best!

[noroi1000]

Matchup for @adreamofleftoveromens​ 💕

ok so i literally love your match-ups so so freakin much!! i decided to get one and uhm sorry if the format’s wrong but here i am!      

i usually go by ria (nickname) online, so let’s stick to that lmao-

height: 162.8 cm or 5'4.50ish

skintone: pretty tanned (well wheat-ish? Idk what it’s called)

eye colour: dark brown babyyy ✨✨(i wear dark red glasses btw)

gender: afab but demigirlflux is more what i identify with.

body type: not really skinny-skinny but chubby either. i’m in between the hourglass and rectangle body type. i’ve been told that i look 2-3 years older than i actually am which is something i’m sortaa insecure about. and well i have body dysmorphia as well as body dysphoria.

style: oversized hoodie sweatshirts or graphic tees with black jeans. i wear three rings on a daily basis (two on my right and one on my left). i don’t really like skirts/dresses that much not because they’re ‘girly’, it’s more of like i don’t really like how the look on me and they don’t really make me feel very comfortable in my own body.

preferred pronouns: they/she/xe

sexuality: demiromantic and omnisexual (still figuring out my preference lol)

zodiac signs: sun: aquarius, moon: libra, rising: gemini

personality type: intp-t and chaotic neutral. personality-wise i’ve been described as sorta mean, sassy, blunt but also comforting, caring, curious and a bit dirty-minded (ok maybe a lot). i’m a bit of a naturally flirty person but if the person who i’m flirting / reciprocates, i basically keel over and die- like that’s something i cannot control at all. i’ve also been described as rather homebodied. i’m rather reckless, impulsive and short-tempered. i’m very very awkward in person, and have social anxiety. i love talking though, i mean if i know/trust you please expect your ear to be talked off if you even remotely bring up a topic I love. I can’t really approach people and be like “hi hello be my friend”, just extremely introverted. my love languages are quality time/acts of service (giving) and quality time/words of affirmation (receiving). i’m technically the definition of a gifted kid burnout but i’m working on getting better and finally getting academic validation again. i’m pretty angsty and pessimistic and have some pretty bad trust and attachment issues. i’m not really comfortable w/ being vulnerable with any of my friends (excepting my best friend; i love her to absolute bits) cause i’m afraid of being judged and called weird. i end up underestimating myself a lot which leads to low self-esteem. i’m a nightowl which leads to me being extremely sleep deprived. 

my likes: i listen to music at least a good 5 hours a day. my favorite genres would be rock/pop-punk/metal. i really really reallyy love reading so so much. my favorite genres are usually mystery/classics/crime. i love researching about greek mythology. i liked cooking a lot especially spaghetti. i love watching horror and slasher movies. i play badminton and basketball and i’m pretty good at it. i listen to true crime podcasts a lot, usually about unsolved crimes or serial killers. i love nature and animals; both literally deserve to be treated better than they are. i really like history, chemistry and biology a lot. i really love anime but i mean that’s pretty obvious lol. i really like collecting stones, old coins, expired credit cards, etc etc. idk why but i like arguing, well not actual arguing with shouting and crying but playful banter and little insults here and there.

sooo that’s all i can think of for now and please tell me if you need more info. thanks in advance 

I think your Jujutsu kaisen matchup is

Cheeky, a bit selfish, malicious, annoying, brutal, impulsive. Yes, it’s him. Especially in the eyes of older people and those who do not like him.

It’s exactly him. And he does not hide the fact that people consider him just such a man.

He often says something that can make you blush, scared or pissed off. That’s his nature. He just likes to be like this because a few people like it as it is. You can laugh with him and do anything. There is definitely someone who likes him and hates them.

He is very talkative and smiling to his friends. People he doesn’t like the first time will be ignored. That is, people who are strangers will be ignored, and people he genuinely dislikes will be treated as they deserve. No respect, no smile, no nice atmosphere. He’s just gonna be mean.

Honestly, I don’t know him as a person who approaches every person and asks if they will be friends. Basically, he won’t want to talk to anyone he has met only once and they won’t meet again. If there is a person with him who he will see more often, he will obviously want to get to know each other and start a conversation.

From birth, he is considered a prodigy, and that is the fault of a great ego in his mind. God complexes, but he’s not going to be mean to his loved ones. They just raised him that way. To make him feel the best.

In his life, he trusted a completely small number of people. Therefore, his trust does not fade away, and continues until the end. No matter what might have happened. Since he trusted someone, he would not stop. It is the same with attachment to someone.

He is a weirdo. In the eyes of many people, he is exactly like that, and you cannot change their mind. He’s just the way he is to them and that’s it. Therefore, Gojo has become used to such criticism.

He hates feeling vulnerable. He feels it especially when he is betraying or losing someone very close to him.

When you are one of his loved ones, you will only feel happiness.

Headcanon:

• Spending time together and doing everything together. Just you two. Upcoming moments that no one can interrupt you. Do whatever you want. No annoying and mean people around.

• Conversation. Conversation. And another conversation. You can talk for hours. It does not bind how long and about what. You’re just talking!

• He will do anything to make you feel good at all times. He will keep you moment, always say something good and nice. He kept your spirits up. He never hurts and never judges you.

• Despite his ego, he never considered himself less important than him. U never wanted to think like that. Why would he hurt you? You are the most important person to him, so why would he reject you and make you feel bad.

No matter if you try or not, you will still be wonderful to him, one of a kind.

• He doesn’t sleep much because he doesn’t need it that much. Even though he loves to lie in bed and sleep. That you only did not feel worse, he’ll make you sleep. If not at night, then during the day. He will just keep you in bed pressed against him until you fall asleep.

• “baby, you feed me?” If you cook and enjoy it, you can immediately expect to lie “romantic” on the couch or sit at the table while feeding each other.

Every moment you eat spaghetti, he is looking for the moment when you can even accidentally take the same piece of pasta in your mouth and kiss. Funny attempts, but it’s cute.

• Scare you when you watch a horror movie… It can be cruel or funny. It depends on what he will do and at what point. It’s a Gojo …

• Playing a murderer… It’s a game of tag at home for him. Only when he catches you, he goes to the bedroom, tosses you on the bed, and lies on you.

“You know if I catch you, you won’t get away from me, do you ~? Do not hide~ I won’t crush you or choke you while hugging you~♡. I’ll just catch you, hug you and kiss you until you’re done! You can’t even bribe me with a cake!”

[faeriesinthedell]

Things with my mom have been better this year, I think. It's hard to tell, honestly. I know I'm selfish, I know I can be a jerk, and I know I'm so much like her that's why we butt heads so often. Honestly, sometimes I cry about the fact that I can see my mother in myself. Sometimes I talk like her, or I walk like her, and everyone always confuses us for one another when we're talking on the phone because we sound alike. I love my mother. It's not that I don't want to be like her, but I just don't want to be *too* much like her. I want to be my own person too. As I'm getting a bit older and childhood friends are settling down and having kids, it's honestly making me feel so conflicted. I want to be a mother so badly, and it's something that I've wanted since I was a kid, but I'm so terrified that I'm going to screw up and just repeat the cycle. My great-great grandmother emotionally abused my great-grandmother. My grandma and my mom have an extremely strained relationship. They love eachother so much and they cry every time they leave eachother after a visit, but they also fight constantly and my grandmother always seems to think that my mom is an idiot who doesn't know what she's doing. I know a lot of parents can be that way to adult children, but trust me, my grandma is so much worse than average.

Usually, after a visit with my grandma, my mom will come to me and apologize for how she treats me, because being around her own mother makes her see the parallels, I guess. Things get better and less tense for a while, and then it goes back to normal once my grandma isn't around. I'm just so scared that I'm going to do this to my own children. What if I do it to my husband? What if I don't even realize that I'm doing it? I've always had weird self esteem, and I don't know if that comes from how I was raised, or if that's just something I developed for any myriad of possible reasons. I honestly don't really like myself. I mean, I don't hate myself by any means, but I don't like myself either. But, I know that people see things in me that they like, and that's enough for me. I know it's a crappy source of validation, but hey, it's what works for me. But I'm just so scared that I'm not going to be enough. I'm scared that I'm not going to be enough for my kids, and I'm almost positive that I won't be enough for my husband. He swears that I am, and I don't doubt him, but I do doubt my own abilities. Honestly, I think I'll probably feel that way forever. I want to be enough so badly, but I don't think I will be. Don't get me wrong, I know that everyone on Earth has an inherent value as a baseline, and I know that applies to me too, but I don't think I'm enough beyond that. I don't know how to explain it. I just feel like somehow I'm going to fall short in some way. I know for a fact that I fall short as a daughter. I don't know. I just worry. I want to be a good mom someday. I want to be a good grandma too, eventually. But I also don't want people to make a big fuss about me when I'm old, or even when I'm gone. I don't want people to talk about how good or nice I am, because I'm no better than anyone else, and I don't want anyone ever saying otherwise.

I want to be a good mother. I want to be a good daughter. I want to be a good wife. I want to be good enough for everyone.

[melonmelts]

meow meow meow

I need to rant about things that have been on my mind and it's silly to do it on tumblr but I want to keep track somewhere, and rn I feel like tumblr is the way to go! although I feel so much more content with life, like I haven't felt this hopeful in years! all my evil thoughts keep hanging around, and sometimes they all come flooding in at once. so I just need to write it out and that way I can see everything more clearly.

I fear no matter how happy I am and no matter who I surround myself with, I will always stick to the same way of thinking. I'm afraid and lonely, but also longing for love and validation. I try to feel content on my own, and convince myself I'll be safe and happy on my own, but it's not enough. theres a difference between feeling alone vs being lonely, and it feels like I'll never have a choice. I'm too tired. I'm tired of sudden changes, and feeling so out of control. I'm tired of feeling like thing's are getting better, only to get hit with some random major life change or experience fucking plot twist out of nowhere and or all my emotions coming back to surface. goshhhh my brain, my fucking brain.

I will always overthink and overanalyse everything; too aware of how other's perceive me but unaware of how I perceive myself, and who I am, how I feel about myself. I will always feel jealousy bubbling up slowly eating away at me - I feel envious of everyone, even my closest friends, about the smallest things.

I will inevitably resort to distancing myself, hiding from everyone, and avoiding everything. I can't afford to hurt anyone anymore, it genuinely tears me apart knowing that the closer people get to me, the worse they'll feel around me or about me. I will always feel the need to distance myself from other's before they get the chance to leave me, it's happened all throughout my life, I can't trust myself to be able to fufill someone's needs, to make them feel happy and comfortable around me. I make everyone worry and feel paranoid and by distancing myself it feels like I'm doing it on purpose. no matter how much love I receive, I feel like it eventually fades away because I'm too scared of being vulnerable, too close to people. everything ends up kicking in and I become so extremely self aware and open my eyes to everything I so bpindly missed. I always think - how oblivious can I fucking be. it makes me never want to speak to anyone ever again. I feel so out of touch, so selfish and unaware, yet too aware at the same time?

no one's perfecf and it's okay to make mistakes, but I feel like when I do, it makes too much of an impact, and god do I feel like such a horrible person.

I will always be sensitive to the smallest things. any criticism, even if it's constructive, it makes me feel like an absolute failure and want to drop everything and give up.

I feel the most stable I've been compared to the past few years, but I'll always be atleast a bit unstable and unpredictable. I fucking hate being perceived I hate it I hate it. I always fear I'll hurt everyone because the more comfortable I am with someone the less I think before I speak, and the more likely I am to hurt people.

so I drift away from everyone, I can't reply, I subconsciously stop myself from becoming too close to people, but sometimes I cant help it.

it's jusy a contant battle between myself and my brain but its getting better

things are getting better I have gone through so much already and I'm still here and I'm still going even if its just a little bit at a time.

gosh i cant be bothered to reread i am going to regret this but whageverr

[celestialjupe]

Girl blogging: 2/25/23 12:05

Literally processing so hard right now dbdbif. i just got out of a rather abusive relationship. I knew it was bad but it didnt hit me how extremely foul it was until i started making a list of everything that has happened. I've definitely been in the wrong too, and i regret the kind of person i became in that relationship. I don't regret it because i feel bad for him, i regret it because i know that's not who i am and i sacrificed a large portion of my sense of self because i didn't want to hurt him. That was so stupid, but honestly, no one is above being in a situation like that, especially when they're young and when it was their first relationship. so, im trying not to be too hard on myself about it, because being hard on myself drove me further into that relationship every single time.

The last year was different than the first three. He did a 180, he started treating me much better, but i couldn't erase the past and i couldn't let go of it and stay with him at the same time. I couldn't erase his actions and i couldn't erase mine either. Also, it's kind of fucked up because he could have been treating me well the whole time. But really, he never changed, he just got more strategic and better at disguising the behavior. I was still considering getting back together with him until two days ago. It's been two weeks since i broke up with him. That list really impacted me because to see how many terrible things he had done, how close together, and how careless he was..wow wakeup call. I don't feel bad anymore, if you have to hurt someone to get them to stop hurting you, so be it. Again, i was also wrong in the relationship, mainly in year three. We were like rabid dogs constantly barking at each other and flashing teeth. Looking back, i think i was valid to fight back, i think it makes sense that i opened up to the people around me. I just wish i would've listened then. I'm grateful for the two girls who sat with me and listened to me. Life is strange. but im happy that part of my life is finally over, and i can move on. I already feel better and look better and overall i am better. Things are clearer. I think i deserve that. I tried my hardest. Especially this last year, so many times i sat awake at night, promising myself I'd try harder to be happy, telling myself it was enough and i just didn't want to accept love. Now i know that we were never in love, and i wasn't wrong to be so confused and agitated.

I don't think there was ever a moment where he truly considered me, but i was selfish for not wanting to live my life like that. What surprised me the most was everyone who was happy to hear the news. I thought everyone loved him, i thought no matter what, they didn't know what was happening behind closed doors and he was charming, so of course they love him. Little did i know, everyone saw through the act. I only ever told two people about what was happening, and i didn't even tell them the full situation. No one else knew because it's honestly so embarrassing, and i wasn't ready to be better. even now im scared, im scared to delete him from my socials, im scared that he wont be able to leave it alone, im scared that he wont take no for an answer and ill have to pay for this. I can't let that fear control me. I have to be ready to face it all, and dive into the void even if im not certain of the outcome. So much time, opportunity, self-respect has passed me by and I've just let it. I can't do that anymore. I deserve to show up for myself, even when its hard. breakups are hard, especially when they're easy.

Through all that fear, there is a spark. There's a part of myself that i have ownership of again, a part of myself i haven't seen in so long. There's relief, there's love, there's a feeling of security. There's this newfound sense of certainty that i am here and I will never let this happen again. There's victory. I've overcome obstacles and I've walked through the darkest parts of myself to do that. I took a tour of the worst possible version of myself, i stayed in the dark for so long and I'm finally on the other side of it all. I am happy and proud to be me, feelings i never thought I'd have for myself again. I have forgiveness in my heart now, i have released so much, I'm not angry at anyone anymore. I feel like i can finally be myself and not compromise that.

so yeah, kind of slaying right now.. thank you for taking the time to read if you did. Don't make the same mistake i did, don't wait, leave leave leave LEAVE!! Be safe, stay hydrated, keep your belly full, and do what's best for you.

[burning-basilisk]

And now for something personal and somewhat dark that is also completely different.

This is a long one.

Yesterday, I woke up in my car at 5 AM outside of the house where I helped throw a wild celebration for firedancers and various other types of performers. A wild, wonderful crowd.

Tried the door, but it was locked. My firedancing and juggling props were all inside, but I said "fuck it" and left them there to drive an hour back home. I'll come back for them another day.

Later that day, I got a call from a friend who had a falling out with my ex-wife, though I was able to forgive her transgression, and still consider her a good friend.

She confessed to me that she had, the previous day, seriously contemplated suicide. The thoughts were so loud that she nearly checked herself into a hospital. She said her "meds kicked in" and she was feeling better, now, but just needed someone to talk to. Holy fuck do I still feel deeply honored that she chose to reach out to me.

We talked at length about her current struggles with suicidal ideation, and related them to my own from around a decade ago. She's a very accomplished person whom I admire greatly for the structure and discipline with which she lives her life. She showed me her personal journal, once, and the sheer immaculateness of her handwriting and formatting, let alone the elegant structure of her ideas, made me green with envy. Alas, the mind of such a craftswoman has evidently turned against her to a degree that she could no longer handle on her own, and I am so grateful that I was able to help her feel validated and heard... because the absence of that is what brought her to this dark place, peering into that Abyss that emerges from the deepest depths of depression and, after a while, becomes so insidiously familiar and inviting.

Talking about one's own suicidal ideation is extremely difficult, not just because it's because a very heavy and unpleasant topic, but because those who haven't experienced it can, despite the absolute best of intentions, cause more harm. Loved ones too often panic and lash out, calling the suicidal person selfish. "Don't you care about how much suffering your death would cause? You're being so selfish!" They don't intend to cause more guilt or shame, but they also don't know what else to do. Expressing suicidal ideation is very emotionally risky. My friend was right to be hesitant.

I validated her feelings, because I had experienced so many of them as well. And she also deeply validated me, just by reaching out to me about this, because helping someone in this way is the best possible consequence of my own experience with suicidal thoughts. Being the person who people can trust for that kind of support... that is someone that I absolutely want to be.

Partying and celebrating is easy. But holding on to each other through the dark times... that is far more important. Only through the darkness do we realize who is willing to keep a light on for us, and who might trust is enough to seek refuge in our care.

But my story doesn't end here.

While I was on the phone with this friend of mine, I got a couple of calls from my mother. I ignored them, because this phone call was very emotionally sensitive, but called her back afterwards.

Her aunt had passed away hours prior. I immediately drove to her and accompanied her on a 5 hour drive to where her cousins, three children of the deceased, are gathering to make funeral arrangements.

And now, here I am, waiting for my mother's cousins to decide on the next round of changes they want to make to the funeral flyer. I've already made 5 versions, on a laptop that isn't mine, using software that I am extremely unfamiliar with, and figuring it out as I go. Occasionally, they need me to make a phone call to arrange travel or lodging for another party who is trying to attend a funeral that is scheduled for New Year's Eve. It is not easy, and I normally would absolutely hate doing this kind of work... but I feel a deep clarity of purpose, here.

I can't relate to them much, culturally. Generation gap, and all. And there's nothing here "for me" except that it feels important for me to be here. As always, I question my own intentions and wonder if I'm just being some kind of sadistic emotional voyeur... but I just want to help. This feels important, even if I don't feel much of the loss directly.

These three siblings, the youngest in her 50s, are reminiscing... often cracking jokes and laughing, staving off the grief so that they can just get through this... and I see the cracks behind their eyes when they repeatedly express their gratitude for my presence.

Their mother just died literally yesterday, and they are just... holding themselves and each other together, sometimes very literally. I rarely see strength and vulnerability expressed together in such an intense way.

Despite being far and away of everything else in my life, right now, both physically and mentally, I feel less restless than I have in a long time. I'm not questioning what I "should" be doing, which has been the the most frustrating persistent background noise of my mind for a long time, now.

Again... only through the darkness do we realize who is willing to keep a light on for us, and who might trust is enough to seek refuge in our care.

I want to get better at caring for people... but I don't trust myself to do it right, most of the time.

I think I'm slowly figuring it out, though.

[legoflowerfruitmountain]

A Sun Wukong and Macaque analysis

A different interpretation of Macaque / Liu-er Mihou’s words regarding his and Sun Wukong’s history in Lego Monkie Kid. I base this on the theory that Macaque is a clone of Sun Wukong’s that became independent and reflects the worst parts of his mind.

*points to the Six-Eared Macaque in Journey To The West and the various analysis what he might represent as allegory in the story*

- As seen with Qi Xiaotian’s clones, the feelings they channel are distorted to the extreme. They channel only those feelings and traits, without the balance of the larger self.

Sun Wukong and Macaque used to be ‘friends’ in the sense that Macaque encompassed his self-interest. When that selfish part of him manifested as a clone, this one used to be extremely self-absorbed. That carried over when Macaque became an independent identity and has persisted into the show’s present time.

Having spent centuries as the part of another person’s mind, Macaque couldn’t quite separate his identity from Sun Wukong’s. He remembers that they used to be ‘friends’ and was upset that Sun Wukong didn’t agree with him anymore.

The actual reality - calling back to JTTW - was that Macaque aimed to kill Sun Wukong and and steal his identity and fame, killed part of his family on Flower Fruit Mountain because the monkie yaoguai were dispensable to him, and attacked the pilgrims because they were in the way of his goal.

LMK’s version of Macaque does a lot similar things. Sun Wukong understandably opposes him in both instances, both past and present.

- ‘The Hero abandoned the Warrior.’ Imagine working hard for years to become a better person. Sun Wukong faced difficulties, backlash, unfair consequences, setsbacks, and feelings of failure. He wasn’t the warlord, the warrior he used to be. Not anymore at least even though those parts of him persisted.

Of course, he still craved validation and power. They just were losing their spot among his priorities. (The biggest priority being his family on Flowerfruit Mountain, his friends, and other family.) He was working to become better than his more selfish, violent impulses. He was changing, while not confronting the darker feelings that built up from these changes. 

And part of him - the desire for validation and power and fame and easy success and doing what he wanted, the cunning warlord, the Warrior - detested the hardship.

Felt that the ‘hero’ was undoing everything they’d worked before Buddha dropped the mountain on Sun Wukong. Felt that he deserved more.

- ‘Sun Wukong killed Macaque.’ Which Sun Wukong also did in the original Journey To The West, with understandable reasons.

- There’s also to consider that he might have had an overwhelming identity crisis. He was faced with a person that was hurting his loved ones, a person that carried his face while he did so. Who could pretend to be Sun Wukong.

All of that because Macaque was literally him. A clone of him gone rogue, channelling all of Sun Wukong’s worst parts.

(Qi Xiaotian stops and undoing / killing Porty, by bonking him with the Staff, calls back to JTTW Sun Wukong doing the same with JTTW Macaque.)