#being fair it's all thanks to taika waititi for giving us such a great character as valkyrie

[crowleychild]

omg omg omg did you guys saw the same as I did?? Valkyrie's little peak on Carol's cheek?? the look in their eyes?? The way Carol said she was "a friend"??

THEY ARE SO IN LOVE

It's going to be canon, they wouldn't have done that otherwise. It's happening, omg I can't breath, I just can't

[aion-rsa]

What We Do in the Shadows Season 3: What is an Energy Vampire Anyway?

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This article contains spoilers for What We Do in the Shadows season 3’s first two episodes.

Boredom, tedious, tiresome, flat. These are not the first words which jump to mind when thinking of vampires or comedy, but What We Do in the Shadows wields them like secret weapons without sacrificing a single laugh or scare. The FX horror farce, which is a series adaptation of the 2014 feature film created by Taika Waititi and Jemaine Clement, follows four vampires. They have been roommates since, well, forever, but one is different from the rest.

Nandor the Relentless (Kayvan Novak), Nadja of Antipaxos, (Natasia Demetriou), and Laszlo Cravensworth (Matt Berry), are traditional vampires. They drink blood, a virgin’s if possible. This is usually supplied by their familiar-turned-bodyguard Guillermo (Harvey Guillén). A probable virgin himself, but off limits. Even vampires know not to feed on their own supplier, especially one who has taken down the entire local vampire hierarchy. The fourth vampire does not drink blood. He subsists on the lifeforce of others. He is an energy vampire, and no one is safe from his appetites. Familiars are fair game, and so are the other vampires.

Colin Robinson (Mark Proksch) looks like an office drone, talks like an automated menu, and has the presence of an interdepartmental meeting memo. A simple watercooler chat can drain a listener of the very will to live. It’s tasty. The Staten Island vampires have been named head of the entire Tri-State vampire community and Colin, who will be celebrating a major milestone this season, is undergoing a search for self.

You don’t have to look far from Colin to find Mark Proksch, the actor who plays him. In Better Call Saul, he played Daniel “Pryce” Wormald, the ineptly arrogant pharmaceutical connection who was very particular about his baseball cards. On The Office, he played Nate, a proven entity, but not without handicaps, like hearing, vision and cognition. With offbeat roles on This Is Us, Modern Family, Portlandia, Drunk History, Bob’s Burgers, and Adventure Time, Proksch has spent his career playing yo-yos, his first appearance was as a self-proclaimed master.

Proksch spoke with Den of Geek about vampire centennials, television perennials, and freezing his genitals playing kickball in the snow.

Den of Geek: Hello and thanks for doing this, and I wanted to wish Colin Robinson a happy birthday.

Mark Proksch: Well, it’s a little premature, but thank you.

I know the season is building to it, but will you be throwing a big celebration?

Yes. There will be some festivities, Colin Robinson style.

Do you know his sign?

I don’t know his sign. Gosh, that’s a good question. I don’t think he knows it, even.

Is there anything he wants for his birthday?

I think what he wants most is to know where he came from, and where he’s going. He’s in a bit of an existential funk right now. And he’s doing a lot of research about energy vampires. The problem is there’s not much out there on energy vampires because no one likes them. So, there aren’t many books about them. When he goes into the big Vampiric Council library, he can’t find a single word about energy vampires. And that’s probably because they’re so reviled within that community, that they don’t respect the energy vampires, or have any of their books.

You’ve been doing a lot of research on the history, and the nature, of energy vampires, as you said. What do you think, or, what do you call what he is feeding from? Is it Prana? Chi? Neurotransmissions?

Oh, yeah. We haven’t learned. He still doesn’t know. I think he’s feeding on the exhaustion of others. The everyday life exhaustion of others, I think, is what he feeds on.

Does Colin ever contemplate the carbon footprint of the energy vampire?

No, I think Colin’s in for it just for himself.

How come Colin can stand fire, he laughs it off, but he can’t deal with a cattle prod?

Yeah. Tony, you’re poking holes here. I don’t know. That’s, again, a very good question. Why doesn’t fire hurt him, but a cattle prod shocks him? Maybe, because one is energy? I mean, electrical energy, I should say. I guess heat is its own energy.

In the Cloak-of-Many-Nandors episode, how did it feel to hear Kayvan Novak do you? And did you give him pointers? Did he drain you in the process?

Yeah. Well, Kayvan has been doing all of us, since day one of shooting. So, it wasn’t a revelation to hear him do my voice. That said, we all sent recordings to him so he could perfect it. I haven’t seen the episode yet. The night we were filming my scene, it was about 4:00 a.m., it was one of the coldest nights in Toronto. So, I didn’t stick around to hear him do my voice. But I’m sure it’s as good as he was doing it on day one.

There’s a lot more location and exterior shooting this season. Is that more fun? Or is it just another day in a different cubicle?

I love our set. Kate Bunch, who is our set designer, is an absolute genius. And we film in the cold months, in Canada. So anytime we get to be on set, near the fireplace that actually works, is a plus. Filming on location has its limitations. We can’t film during the daytime, because the vampires will be burned up. So, we always film at night, when on location. And it looks like it’s 11:00 p.m. or 10:00 p.m., when in fact, it’s usually 3:00 a.m. or 4:00 a.m. And so, when we go on location, we’re usually shooting pretty unpleasant evenings. So, I’d much rather film on set. Filming on location can be fun though, because you have a lot more interaction with real people. And I think that’s one thing that makes the show really funny, is seeing these idiot vampires dealing in the real world. So, it’s kind of fifty-fifty for me.

Did you have fun in the snowball fights?

Yes. There are a lot of snowball fights, yes.

The last time I spoke with you, Colin had just gotten a promotion and it kind of went to his head. How is it for Colin now, to be in power at the Vampiric Council?

I think, as much as Colin loved having some power, I think his M.O. is really, just fading into the background. That way, he can prey a lot easier. Just trying to mix into the group. Be a spider with his web, in the background. I think that’s how he prefers to prey. And so, even when he becomes part of the Vampiric Council, he still allows others to exceed him in power. And so, this season, when Nandor and Nadja are the heads of the Vampiric Council, he’s more than happy to be the secretary. The most boring job you can have in a council setting, taking the notes.

Who do you think Colin would prefer on the throne, Nadja or Nandor?

That’s a great question. I think he would probably prefer Nandor, because Nandor is so stupid. Nandor is very, very dumb. And so, he, Colin, can get Nandor to do pretty much anything he wants. Whereas Nadja, I think Colin likes Nadja. And I also think that Nadja’s too smart to fall into Colin’s traps.

Does he get a jolt out of things like the heart ripping?

Yeah, I think so. I think he does enjoy that type of stuff. Yeah.

Can you feed off Nadja’s ghost in the Nadja doll?

I can’t. And I think I’ve tried to several times. I don’t remember what made it on air. But there’s been several times where I’ve tried to feed off of the doll, and it doesn’t go anywhere.

Will Colin’s research turn up any famous energy vampires? And have you come up with your own?

I’ll drop in names for energy vampires, every once in a while. I don’t think any of them have made it so far. I mean, I’ve done Andy Warhol, who seems, to me, to have been an energy vampire. Truman Capote. I would love to have Bob Newhart on as an energy vampire, because I think he’s brilliant, and he would absolutely kill it. Yeah, I’ve thrown in some of those names. David Crosby, I’ve thrown in. I mean, the more left field, the better. But I don’t think any of those have gotten in. I don’t think they want to insult people.

When you look back on your character’s past, do you find any trace of Les Nessman DNA?

Only in my acting. I loved WKRP, and Les Nessman was definitely a good energy vampire. Just a great character, and acted brilliantly. Yeah, I’m sure I stole from him. You know, it’s interesting, I mostly watch classic television. And I’ll see something, and I’ll be like, “Oh, that’s where I got that. That’s where I took that from.” I haven’t seen him since childhood, but it made an impression on me that, “Oh, okay. That’s why I do that.” And that becomes very eerie to me, when I realize I’m just a culmination of things I’ve been watching my whole life.

I’ve recently been watching it and was amazed by the physical comedy. Arthur Carlson was a genius. So, tell me about the physical comedy in What We Do in the Shadows. Because you’re using not just you, the actors, but you have the effects, and there’s a lot going on, especially, in the backgrounds.

Yeah. I personally love being able to do physical comedy. And Colin Robinson is so great for that, because he’s so at two with his body. He’s not a physical human being. He’s not athletic, to say the least. And I think it adds an extra layer to the character, when you actually see him physically emote, really. Whether it’s dancing, or playing kickball, he’s very unsettling in his movements. Then when you add in the ability to fly, once in a while, or throw people against a wall, it really becomes a playground that not a lot of shows let you get to do. Explore those extremes of physical comedy. And so, I love it for that reason.

You mentioned being free to emote. In the opening episode, you actually are peeved when you can’t feed off of Nadja and Laszlo, and when they shut you down. Does Colin get drained when the feedees don’t give with the Prana?

Yeah, I think he gets really frustrated. It’s almost like a dog that’s always promised a treat, but never is actually given the treat. I think he becomes furious. And he thinks it’s unfair, I would expect, and thinks that they’re not playing by the rules. His bizarre social rules, in which he should be allowed to feed on whenever he wants. Because he gets to do it all day long at work. Anytime he’s out of the house, he gets to do it. But when he’s in the mansion, they know what he’s up to, and they can shut him down pretty quickly. I think he gets frustrated.

Also, still with the first episode, your toilet duties. They only seemed designed to annoy you. So, when you’re actually annoying yourself, isn’t that like cannibalism?

I don’t know if he’s annoying himself. I think he’s really into what’s going on in those toilet buckets. That’s all. I think he’s curious.

You meet a big fan in the rogue vampire house, in Queens. Does Colin’s reputation precede him? And will we see a growth in his vampire community renown?

That’s a great question. I think his reputation does precede him. That said, I don’t know what the writers have in store in that story. I mean, it would be interesting to see him rise to a level of energy vampire stardom, and how he would handle that. But I don’t know.

Is that a little counterproductive?

It would be in his mind, absolutely. Again, it goes back to him being the spider with the spider web, and just, kind of, hanging out in the background.

Do you think the connection you make with energy vampires is different from the connection traditional vampires make? And might we be seeing something of an underground, within the underground?

I think with the traditional, bloodsucking vampires, I think it’s mostly sexual. For them, they just want to get their rocks off. I think with energy vampires, it’s much more subtle, and a little more complicated. And I don’t know if those relationships could last, the energy vampire relationships. What we saw with Vanessa Bayer’s character, Evie, I think that ran its natural course, as far as romantic liaisons with energy vampires.

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What We Do in the Shadows season 3 airs Thursdays at 10:00 p.m. on FX.

The post What We Do in the Shadows Season 3: What is an Energy Vampire Anyway? appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[wigwurq]

WIG REVIEW: AVENGERS - ENDGAME

You guys can you believe I saw a Marvel movie within like 5 days of its release? I DID IT! AND NOW I CAN WRITE A LOT OF SPOILERS - READ ON ONLY IF YOU HAVE SEEN THIS 3 HOUR MARVEL OPUS TO ITSELF! But what about the wigs? OH GURL. LET’S DISCUSS.

We begin in the Mid-waste (I think?) where Hawkeye has been taking some time out of the fight and hanging by a sleeping tree, Bran-style (oh get ready for a lot of GoT crossover comments as I saw this right after the Battle of Winterfell episode and I might get my nerdy details conflated). Anyhoo, did you know that Hawkeye is married to Linda Cardellini? Is she just the supportive wife in everything? Side note: this fact might have existed in an earlier MCU movie. To be fair, I have seen MOST MCU movies (except Thor 2 and Spider-Man and I’m not correcting that) and only saw the other ones like once so I was going into this movie like most of America: vaguely confused about former facts and really exhausted about where this 3 hour movie was about to take me. ANYWAY, Hawkeye’s entire family vanishes like at the end of Infinity War and ugh I see what you’re doing Endgame: this movie is gonna be a BUMMER.

Iron Man of course lightens the mood with some cute banter with Nebula but also: they’re fully about to die in the space void and did RDJr lose a lot of weight or is this just that Marvel technology they used to make Chris Evans look spindly in the first Captain America? Anyway, things are looking BLEAK but then our girl Captain Marvel shows up and saves the day.

Back on earth, the Avengers are really bummed out about half the population being gone (but not so bummed out that ScarJo and “Best” Chris Evans haven’t taken some time to get haircuts - they look great!) But no time for  hair maintenance talk: Brie Larson is ready to go back to space! Also her hair looks good! This movie was made before Captain Marvel and it looks like they just used her real hair and it’s so much better than her wig in that movie. 

Anyway, to space! Wait, now Brie is wearing a wig. UGH. Dammit, space! However, I think this is ScarJo’s real blonde hair (a more natural look than her blonde bob wig seen in Infinity War) and what a long strange trip it’s been since Black Widow’s first perm to her mall hair in Age of Ultron and beyond. Thank the lord for this lewk. 

So the (remaining) Avengers land on whatever planet Thanos is living on now and apparently he’s using old Avengers costumes as Scarecrows? Ok I know we’re supposed to hate this guy but he’s all for population control, gardens, AND now recycling are we sure we hate him? The Avengers definitely still hate him and after learning that he destroyed all the jewelry he spent all of Infinity War finding, they are PISSED. Thor is so pissed he kills him! Which is a super hot-headed thing to do and is basically as bad as “worst” Chris Pratt’s behavior with Thanos in Infinity War and will these alpha males ever learn??? How are they gonna reverse this whole half of the population missing thing now?

Spoiler (haha these are all spoilers!): THEY DON’T. FIVE EFFING YEARS PASS. And in real movie time, at least like 45 minutes? In which we’re supposed to believe that Black Panther (and other notable Avengers but mainly Black Panther) are going to remain dead. GET ON WITH IT MOVIE. Even more damning: Black Widow is now a sad sad lady making sad sandwiches alone and with THIS HAIR LEWK. I was so damn happy for ScarJo to be wigless and THEN THIS. WHAT IN OMBRE HELL. I think (?) what we’re supposed to think is happening here is that she’s so damn sad that she’s failed at hair maintenance and let her blonde highlights grow out into this mess? Here’s the thing, this wig is actually fine - it looks like real hair - but with A TERRIBLE DYE JOB WHY UGH. 

Speaking of new lewks, ScarJo still skypes with the remaining Avengers (bless her heart!) and Captain Marvel went ahead and got THIS HAIRCUT WHAT. I guess the internet can stop talking about how much she needs a scrunchie? I think that this is actually truer to her comic book self but also is giving me all the Lilith Fair vibes (IN A GREAT WAY!) It is still a bad wig in a man wig way (the back taper is a mess) but you’ve gotta love the 90s gelled sideswept bangs for pure nostalgia. 

Speaking of nostalgia! Ant-Man is back from the quantum realm and damn am I happy to see Paul Rudd (ALWAYS). He is shocked to learn that five years have passed while he was gone (this storyline is very Flight of the Navigator) and goes to find his now teenage daughter even tho he looks exactly the same (tho this would be true regardless - Paul Rudd doesn’t age). However, she’s all alone in her house with no Judy Greer or Bobby Cannavale in sight and does this mean they’re vanished or just not in this movie? Is this daughter being raised by Michael Pena now? Also why isn’t he there? EVERYONE IS IN THIS MOVIE I DEMAND ANSWERS. 

So anyway, Paul Rudd is all: why don’t we just time travel through the quantum realm and get those damn jewels and fix this whole Thanos situation? Best Chris and ScarJo are in, but Michael Douglas and Michelle Pfeiffer are the real pros at this whole quantum realm thing but are definitely vanished (as is Evangelline Lilly) so they go find Iron Man since he’s smart, right? Unfortunately, he is now living in a cabin by a lake and has a daughter (mazel! but this is def gonna throw a wrench into the time travel thing). Also Gwyneth is around looking tanned and vaguely ginger. Her wig is basically a more expensive, highlighted version of Nicole Kidman’s wig in Big Little Lies which is to say: MUCH BETTER BUT STILL PRETTY SHITTY. There is also a “joke” (?) about Gwyneth reading a book about composting which I think was supposed to be a Goop dig but honestly: WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THAT THIS MOVIE IS ALREADY SO LONG CAN WE JUST GET TO SAVING BLACK PANTHER AND THE OTHERS?

Iron Man def is like: dudes I’m not time traveling - I’m gonna do this whole dad thing WHICH IS FAIR so they go find the like #5 smartest person they know: DR. HULK. There are no pictures of this (that I could find) but Bruce Banner is now living life just AS the Hulk (but not an angry one) so he’s basically a bulky green guy in glasses which is fine but where does he buy those huge cowl sweaters? Asking for myself. Also ScarJo finds Hawkeye in Tokyo being some sort of hooded vigilante with a fauxhawk and guyliner and jeez someone is not dealing well without Linda Cardellini. 

Also not dealing well? THOR! #2 Chris is off in Asgard living life with the best supporting characters from Thor: Ragnarok (TAIKA WAITITI 4EVR) and LETTING HISSELF GO. Oh also, Tessa Thompson is there too being a fisherman (?!?!?!) even tho she’s an effing valkyrie how did she get this job?!?! But I have to give full credit to Chris Hemsworth for fully embracing the deglam life here and for the next several hours of this movie. DEGLAM THOR IS EVERYTHING. 

However, the wig is obviously terrible. ZZTop beard aside, the wig is these weird dreadlock tendrels which I’m guessing Thor wouldn’t have had time to maintain between playing video games, drinking beer, and eating pizza. Side note: I was really disappointed that he wasn’t eating Billy’s Pan Pizza (Lisbeth Salander’s #1 food choice in Sweden through all of those terrible books) which I actually tried in Iceland once and spoiler alert: original flavor INVOLVES HAM. Just saying: the devil’s in the details. Anyway, Thor and Iron Man decide to give this whole time travel thing a try (why not?) AND YES ONCE REASSEMBLED, IRON MAN’S FIRST POINT OF BUSINESS IS MAKING A BIG LEBOWSKI JOKE.

Iron Man somehow whips up some time travel gps bracelet and holy shit all of the Avengers movies are literally about jewelry. Then it’s on to making some sweet new time travel suits, Hawkeye gelling up that fauxhawk, and away we go to the quantum realm! Nothing bad can happen!

First stop: the first Avengers movie! OH GOD I SEE WHAT THEY’RE DOING HERE. The MCU literally made a plot where they could journey back to all the other MCU movies like a greatest hits tour and THIS MOVIE IS ENDLESS. This also involves journeying back to the ghosts of wigs past AND GURL I’M SHOOK. I guess I have to give credit to the MCU for wig consistencies - these wigs are as shitty as the originals! - and I guess they saved a lot in the already nonexistent wig budget. Also TILDA EFFING SWINTON IS THERE. This cast, dudes. Dr. Hulk and Tilda have a whole Back to the Future (which they make fun of in this movie, btw and I wasn’t here for it) discussion about time travel that I pretty much zoned out on until Tilda was just like eff it: here’s the jewelry you want, you seem pretty chill now, Dr. Hulk. 

Oh and Tom Hiddleston’s shitty Loki wig is back! Jesus Christ this wig. Also, Robert Redford is back? How do I not remember him being talked into the MCU?? Anyway, the jewelry Iron Man and Best Chris were looking for is DEFINITELY snatched by Loki so they have to figure out a new time travel scenario.

Oh and Best Chris and Iron Man totally made up after being at odds for the last 2-3 Avengers movies. Also what do we think the hairspray budget was for these two? There is also a LOT of talk about Best Chris’s ass in this movie (they literally refer to it as America’s Ass) and I feel like this could very much be its own movie with maybe some added Best Chris badass twitter wars. Just saying. 

Meanwhile, back in olde timey Asgard circa Thor 2, RENE RUSSO IS BACK (also Natalie Portman LOLOL everyone is in these movies). However, Sir Anthony Hopkins is definitely not wasting time on this nonsense and: fair. Also omg this wig on Rene. GURL. I don’t know what GoT prostitute dayplayer they stole this from but regardless: it’s a mess. Also apparently, Rene is about to die (I didn’t see Thor 2) and Deglam Thor is a MESS about it (also still very much a drunken mess also). He almost effs up the plan by going and crying on his mom (don’t worry - Bradley Cooper in his best work to date as Rocket Racoon got the jewelry!) And Rene tells Deglam Thor it’s ok to not be who he’s supposed to be an just be HIM which is very good advice OMG I LOVE RENE RUSSO. 

So speaking of parents, Iron Man decided to go find some Infinity Stones in the 70s where his dad, John Slattery is! Apologies for the quality of this picture - it’s the best I could do. Anyway, John Slattery was made for period piece witty repartee tho his man wig (like all man wigs) is a friggin’ mess. He and Iron Man have some fairly emotional dialogue despite the fact that John Slattery doesn’t know that he’s talking to his son and also someone refers to RDJr as Mungo Jerry so I was really down with this whole section of the movie. 

OH AND MICHAEL DOUGLAS IS THERE (again apologies for photo quality). What Marvel does best is face deaging technology (I still demand this be used for more 80s movies Michael Douglas wasn’t able to make at the time) but what Marvel consistently does worse is: wigs, specifically man wigs. WOOF. Regardless, they got all the jewelry they needed from the 70s! Moving on! 

Over in Thanos town (probably what it’s called), nice Nebula is reunited with her former shitty self and also her sister. Jeez this whole part of the movie is family reunions. Anyway, Gamora’s wig is still a Hot Topic mess. Also a mess: Nebula let Thanos into the whole time traveling jewelry snatching heist which will definitely ruin everything.

Meanwhile, over by the cliffs of sorrow (also definitely official name, probably), ScarJo and Hawkeye and their upsetting hair looks are trying to get that one piece of jewelry that can only be gotten with human sacrifice, which they somehow had forgotten since Infinity War when Thanos sacrificed Gamora to get it. Maybe they just weren’t that tight with Gamora and forgot this? Anyway, the most important thing is that ScarJo gave herself these highlight braids which make this whole look slightly better but it’s still really bad. Also bad: one of these characters has to die! In the end it’s ScarJo I think because she doesn’t have a Linda Cardellini to go back to (or 3 kids) but I don’t really like what the MCU is implying here about the value of single ladies but regardless: goodbye ScarJo and your wig! You are probably better than this whole mess anyway!

Anyway, all the (remaining) Avengers time travel back to present day (aka 2023 just go with it) and everyone is so stoked that they got all the jewelry but then bummed when they hear about ScarJo. Side note: I forgot to talk about Iron Man’s highlights and feathered lewk. It’s upsetting! Moving on! Linda Cardellini calls Hawkeye which means this whole time travelling thing worked and they brought back half the population and also most importantly probably Black Panther so go team! But before we can talk to Linda Cardellini, Thanos crash lands into the Avengers HQ AND DAMMIT NEBULA.

So then everyone is somehow transported (?) to Thanos town aka Fightsville which feels like a great place to probably die in the apocalyptic fight FOR JEWELRY. All the Avengers yet again suck at fighting computerized Josh Brolin aka Thanos and then he calls in all his evil space backup army and everyone is definitely effed. It’s a lot like the part in the Battle of Winterell when the Night King does a Nancy Pelosi clap and reanimates all the dead people to fight the living and Jon Snow cries.

It doesn’t even help when Deglam Thor gives hisself the most wild lightning based makeover. Seriously, he surrounds himself with lightning, gets those badass Total Eclipse of the Heart eyes, and somehow is able to use lightning TO GIVE HIMSELF A HALF UPDO AND BRAID HIS BEARD HAIR AND NO I’M NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP. The lightning fails to remove his beer belly and again: I’M HERE FOR #2 CHRIS COMMITTING TO THIS DEGLAM BODY. I don’t know the hows and whys of lightning makeovers - I guess it’s just restricted to hair. Which still looks like crap, beard braids or no. Moving on: Best Chris can somehow use Thor’s hammer now and did I miss something? I think it’s a Chris thing and I’m glad that everyone agreed that Worst Chris wasn’t invited to it. But also he’s not there. YET.....

BUT THEN. Dr. Benedict Cumberbatch who I definitely forgot about (and who has the most hilarious American accent) creates all his sparkler circles. Also his whole wig/goatee lewk is like that one adjunct professor you had who kept office hours at a coffee house and/or a part-time vampire. Anyhoo, he BRINGS. BACK. EVERYONE. Black Panther (and all of Wakanda!) Spider-Man! Guardians of the Galaxy! ETC! THE JEWELRY HAND CHANGED HANDS MANY TIMES. THERE WAS SO MUCH GOING ON. Everyone starts kicking ass but it’s still not enough until Captain Marvel and her 90s pixie cut show up and I swear to god all the lady Avengers made a protective barrier around her like the Lilith Fair is serious getting back together (I WISH!) It was all the ladies you love - Valkyrie on a flying horse! Wakandan warriors BUT NOT LUPITA BECAUSE US IS BETTER THAN THIS! Elizabeth Olsen in that terrible red wig! Kate from Lost! Gamora and Nebula I think! - plus also Gwyneth who I totally forgot had an Iron Man suit too but sure! It was a very girl power moment that almost worked but very did not. In a final moment we all saw coming since before Infinity War, Iron Man sacrificed hisself for the jewelry hand (also: humanity). Thanks for your service: the jewelry was saved! OH MY GOD THIS REVIEW IS SO LONG. Am I still writing this? Are you still reading this? THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.

In the end, everyone is saved and reunited...to have a sweet funeral (apologies again for picture quality)! I shit you not: they gave Iron Man’s electric heart a viking funeral at his cabin. Really! And all the other prestige actors you weren’t sure would make it to this movie were there: Marissa Tomei in some sweet beachy waves! Michelle Pfeiffer in some not so sweet beachy waves but whatever: I’m always happy to see her! Michael Douglas! The Winter Soldier in his somehow shittier than Loki wig! That chick from How I Met Your Mother! Other people! Samuel L. Jackson! Oh and I think Iron Man’s daughter is now being co-raised by Jon Favreau? Ok! It was also a funerary co-production for ScarJo and I guess (?) Elizabeth Olsen’s computer boyfriend (aka Paul Bettany) who somehow wasn’t able to be revived by jewelry for reasons unknown. Oh and  where the eff were Bobby Cannavale, Michael Pena OR GODDAMNED JUDY GREER I DEMAND ANSWERS!!!!!

SO THEN. Captain America has to go back in time to return the jewelry because Dr. Hulk promised Tilda Swinton and I still don’t get how time travel works in this movie. Also Dr. Hulk is still running the time travel machine even though the whole Ant-Man crew specializing in this technology are back but ok? It all goes great until Captain America returns IN OLD AGE MAKEUP WHAT. Turns out he took a detour to have a life and get married and huh? He then tells Anthony Mackie that he can be Captain America now - officially making the MCU America of 2023 on the level of real America in 2008 and I can’t believe they didn’t cut to a weeping Jesse Jackson (or at least Don Cheadle?) However, Deglam (still!) Thor makes Valkyrie the King of Asgard which officially makes MCU Asgard of 2023 definitely way better than the America of 2019 (yeah I went there) and then he decides to be a Guardian of the Galaxy which means we get to spend an agonizing 3 minutes with Worst Chris. Then they cut to the 1940s and a slow dancing Best Chris and Hayley Atwell and truly: if you can just time travel and be happy can’t we bring back all the dead Avengers too then? HUH? Whatever: THE END! Oh and there’s no post-credits scene but still watch the first like 5 minutes of credits to enjoy the truly mind boggling way that the MCU chose to credit the 5000 people in this movie. Are we please done with Avengers movies now?

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ (BUT NOW I WANT A LIGHTNING MAKEOVER)

[underthebluerain]

Watched Thor: Ragnarok yesterday. Some of it I liked, some of it I loved, most of it was a mess, some of it I hated. The things I loved made me really emotional and saved it from being a wholly bad experience. The things I hated are the reason I am really glad I didn’t spend money on it.

Fair warning, this "review” is as messy and disjointed as the film. Also long.

-The moment the movie started with Thor’s monologue it was clear it was 100% off tone with the Thor universe. Like what.

-The first woman we saw in Thor was Jane Foster doing scientific research. The first women we see in Ragnarok are two unnamed fanservice extras who are presumably skurge’s conquests and are there for the guy to show off to, with barely any lines, no important role and (I think) never seen again. Just a thought.

-I will admit, I did fid some moments funny and genuinely enjoyed them. Others were just ridiculous, a sign they completely ignored the kind of story and especially characters they were showing. And the moments that should’ve been dramatic but that were played in a funny way, even worse. Like Thor and Loki’s reunion. Thor thought he was dead, again. Honestly. Take away all the emotional depth why don’t you. (Yeah I still laughed but it was a Robbed Angst Moment).

-Not to be That Guy but... Loki’s in-universe The Dark World play has Lady Sif and the Warriors Three in a bigger role than they had in it (since they are present at Svartalfheim) and also has Jane in it so 1) it’s keeping both Sif and Jane UNLIKE THIS MOVIE and 2) how shitty is that the in-play acknowledges these characters and the film proper doesn’t. I am so tired of Marvel’s self-referential “haha let’s lampshade the fact that the women are missing but not actually do anything to remedy it!” also unashamedly used in AOU and Antman.

-The bit they showed us about the play I liked in general though, it had plenty of Bro Feels. And Odin!Loki mouthing “I didn’t do it for him” lol but also aww. Also interesting that Sif and the W3 were included (just like in his deleted TDW imagining. He really wants Thor’s friends to like him damn) worried about him and Sif was sent to get help...?? They are not helping me forget about sifki tbh

-Also I shouldn’t be surprised that something serious like Loki’s origins was mentioned only to be funny but like... what?? He seriously decided to let everyone know?? Really?? And is this play seriously how he decided to do it?? When was this?? Was everyone chill with it?? When did he become cool with it?? 

-Was Jotun!Loki called a blue icicle or did I hallucinate that

-Literally the only mention of Jane is of how she dumped Thor and him saying he dumped her instead. Besides Jane being missing, several reasons why this is shitty: 1) again, only one mention of her in the entire film 2) the only mention has her referred to only insofar as her relationship or lack thereof with Thor goes 3) Thor wouldn’t be trying to save face regarding the breakup, he’d just be sad about it 4) it isn’t a good enough reason to have her missing, fuck you.

-Thor to Strange: “Who are you and why should I care” lmao same

-Hela being Odin’s daughter is so out of left field. The backstory regarding her helping Odin win the realm even more so. What?? Just what??

-On the other hand, nice to see the fishiness about Odin and Asgard’s treatment of other realms acknowledged as shitty. But they still had Odin’s only scenes  being good to his sons...?

-I am conflicted about Hela’s design because on the one hand I am gay and find it sexy but on the other I kind of resent they gave her the Black Skintight Catsuit™ of Sexy Female Characters.

-The W3 didn’t deserve those sudden deaths and Thor didn’t deserve to not find out about them.

-I SO loved Thor and Loki’s interactions. I'VE MISSED THEM SO MUCH

-The mural with the family was nice. I didn’t like how frigga was depicted lower than her husband (and this even though she’s taller...) and looking at him/the ground while the men are looking forward, but it does make sense given Asgard’s sexism (as established in other movies, because apparently now they have an all-women army. Ok then why was Sif being the only female warrior a big deal?? Answer: this movie doesn’t give a shit about continuity)

-So... Odin was ashamed of how he got the realm... but he still made a hugeass mural about it??

-I do like hearing Odin get called out. also Odin manipulated history, who else isn’t surprised?

-Again with the humour being used to reference a tragic past event: Loki’s apparently telling the Sakaar gang (whom he barely knows) about how he let go of the Bifrost. As if it’s a funny anecdote. They all laugh. What.

-Just let Hulk stay there and rot Thor

-Hulk is an asshole, I didn’t need more reasons to hate him but they gave them to me

-They didn’t just made an AOU reference they actually had the gall to show me ooc!nat and fucking brutasha AGAIN EW EW EW WHY FUCK aaand I officially hate Taika Waititi. I am SO glad I didn’t go see this movie in a theatre can you imagine giving more money to be traumatised with the same shit again omg

-Lmao they literally threw in a line in just to give Banner more degrees than Jane, Phd’s actually, so his are more important right? The male ego truly is astounding

-I thought we’d see more of Valkyrie’s backstory and her grudge against Hela, but at least we got something. Also her name wasn’t revealed?? Was it in the credits? She is cool though. I liked that her introduction was not at all dignified (falling off the ship bc she’s drunk? lol. Wasn’t expecting it tbh) but she got her dignity back. I’ve seen it mentioned that her story of “badass warrior leaves after traumatic battle and becomes jaded drunk who pretends not to care about anything but eventually finds it in herself to come back and fight for what’s right” is a story usually reserved for men and it’s great that she got it.

-I feel so defeated that Asgard had to be destroyed.

-The rock alien was quite funny.

-Thor has literally lost his home, his girlfriend, his mother, his father, several of his friends (not that anyone told him) and his fucking eye give this boy a fucking break

-Thank god Thor didn’t end up believing Loki was dead again bc I would’ve gone there and killed him myself tbh

-I think one of my main problems with the film is that I actually enjoyed the adventure, some of the humour and few emotional moments, but it ignored and/or glossed over so much that was important that it’s not as gut-wrenching as its predecessors. To sum up: this movie was a good fic, but not a good enough Thor movie, you get me? Especially given how this is probably the very last Thor movie.

-Even without watching the Infinity Wars trailer it’s obvious Loki’s taken the Tesseract you little shit. I hope Thor knows and is like “take it out let’s see what we do with it hmm?”

-Fuck, I really enjoyed Loki and Thor’s relationship in this movie. On the one hand, the movie robbed them of several emotional moments (Thor finding out Loki’s alive, their reunion, a longer confrontation), but on the other the humour gave them several great scenes of sibling banter and backstory that I loved so much (even if some of it didn’t make sense like the snake anecdote: cute, funny but nonsensical). And despite the movie’s light tone not fitting with the other films’, I... feel like it did kinda fit their relationship here? The film made it work. I still wish we’d gotten more emotional scenes and arguing and angst, but I did like to see that it’s been quite some time since their grievances and that has sort of caused them to cool over a bit, so things are calmer, lighter. And that allows Loki to act less like a “I’m gonna betray you” (which is still there, but he doesn’t play it up so much), and above all allows Thor to say, “look, this has been fucked up for a few years, I don’t think trying to stay together will work”. Which I think is both sincere and reverse psychology. Sincere because Thor has been through a lot of pain and he knows Loki has too, so he doesn’t think he can handle having Loki there but not being able to trust him, and if Loki wants out he’s not gonna force him to stay. And reverse psychology because he’s hoping so bad that he’ll want to stay, that he’ll choose to. Freely. And he knows that the only way he will make a free choice is if he thinks Thor has made his and that it’s to stop pursuing him. I AM EMOTIONAL

-AND LOKI DID COME BACK TO HELP AND THOR FUCKING BELIEVED HE WOULD OKAY

- “IF YOU WERE REALLY HERE I MIGHT HUG YOU” “I’M HERE” GFHXKCJDLKLXKS

-WHAT THE FUCK WHERE IS MY HUG

-AND THEY DID END THE MOVIE TOGETHER SIDE BY SIDE WITH THOR AS KING AND LOKI AS ADVISOR AND GOING TO EARTH AND FACING WHATEVER DANGER IS COMING TOGETHER AND I AM VERY EMOTIONAL OKAY

[nerdy-bits]

AlmightyZing's 2019 Cinema Recap

Overview and Spoiler Warnings

As we all get ready to wrap up 2019 I wanted to share my thoughts on this year in cinema. This has been one of the greatest years for movies that I can remember, and we’ll be setting the bar very high in my first annual year in review. At the time of this writing I have been to the theater 37 times for 34 different movies. 

Throughout this article I will be referencing specific events, so be careful of spoilers if you haven’t seen some of the films I will be reviewing. If a film was still in theaters at the time this article was written I tried my best to keep them as spoiler-free as possible.

Best of 2019

I’ve always struggled when it comes to ranking movies against one another, especially when the content and genres are so vastly different. I’ve put a lot of thought into my top five list, and based these decisions on a number of factors - from personal enjoyment to the quality of performances.

5) Knives Out

RT Critic Score: 97%

RT Audience Score: 92%

Knives Out was by far the best murder mystery movie I’ve seen in a long time. The all-star cast knocked it out of the park with all of their performances and the way the murder investigation played out was a wild ride full of twists and turns. I enjoyed it more the second time around despite knowing who did it, as it was fun to notice the more subtle clues that were left behind. Rewatchability is tough to achieve in murder mysteries, so the fact that I’m looking forward to watching it again when it releases on Blu-ray speaks volumes.

4) Jojo Rabbit

RT Critic Score: 79%

RT Audience Score: 96%

A satire about Hitler and Nazi Germany? Who would dare touch something so controversial? Taika Waititi (and Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds). This film brilliantly tackled some incredibly serious topics while managing to keep a light and comedic tone - mostly. Jojo shows us how susceptible our children can be to propaganda and xenophobia, and how being exposed to other cultures can positively influence their opinions. The entire cast gave us masterful performances that brought out so many different emotions throughout the film.

3) Joker

RT Critic Score: 69%

RT Audience Score: 89%

This was one I struggled with when deciding where to place it on this list. I don’t remember the last time I felt that uncomfortable watching a movie. Normally that would put it on my ‘worst-of’ list, but Joker does that intentionally, and brilliantly. Joaquin Phoenix’s performance was phenomenal and the way the film blended reality and Fleck’s fantasies worked really well. I would love to see more DC villains get this darker, stand-alone treatment.

2) Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

RT Critic Score: 54%

RT Audience Score: 86%

This will by far be the most controversial pick on my list. I won’t get into spoilers since the film is still in theaters at the time of this writing. As we’ve come to expect with the Star Wars franchise, there has been a great divide among fans with the final chapter of the Skywalker saga. Being on this list does not mean that the film wasn’t without fault. The pacing was frantic at times, and some of the characters that had been built up in previous films didn’t get the attention they deserved, but overall I think The Rise of Skywalker did the best it could to answer as many of the questions we had. The fast pacing was a result of having to essentially cover two movies worth of plot in one, since The Last Jedi did very little to advance the story. As a fan of the Star Wars franchise, it was a fun and emotional ride and I look forward to what other stories we’ll get from our favorite galaxy far, far away.

1) Avengers: Endgame

RT Critic Score: 94%

RT Audience Score: 90%

It’s hard to believe it’s been 11 years since we were first introduced to the MCU with billionaire playboy philanthropist Tony Stark. Twenty-one films led up to the magnificent climax that was Avengers: Endgame. Infinity War left a lot of us needing therapy, and Endgame’s opening scene didn’t offer any emotional reprieve. We then jump forward five years and experience the gloomy world that was left behind by the snap. I thoroughly enjoyed the time travel and getting to revisit many of the key moments in previous films. It was tough to lose some of our beloved heroes, but it’s also exciting to look forward to a new chapter with new heroes. One of these days I’ll get through this film without crying. Thank you Marvel. I love you 3000.

Worst of 2019

Initially this was a bottom five list, but I struggled to find five films that I genuinely did not enjoy, and it wasn’t fair to the two that made the list for no other crime than being okay films. I typically only see movies that I expect to enjoy, and the three I’ve chosen did not live up to expectations. So, without further ado, here are my top three worst movies of 2019.

3) Hellboy

RT Critic Score: 17%

RT Audience Score: 51%

This film was, in a word, forgettable. I honestly had to look up a synopsis to remember what even happened. The fight scenes were gory and at times brutal, but they couldn’t overcome the mess of a plot that had Hellboy double-crossed, nearly killed, and still managing to tear apart the three giants acting as the film’s mini-boss. Meanwhile the main villain slowly gains power and Hellboy defeats her using Excalibur after he’s revealed to be a direct descendent of King Arthur. The film then teases Abe Sapien, although it’s unlikely this box office bomb will get a sequel to pay that off.

2) Rambo: Last Blood

RT Critic Score: 27%

RT Audience Score: 82%

I went into the theater excited for more Rambo at least on par with the 2008 old-man-Rambo film. What we got was an hour of mumbling Grandpa John fumbling his way through a rescue mission after his close friend’s granddaughter gets kidnapped by human traffickers in Mexico, followed by about 20 minutes of Rambo being Rambo. I really enjoyed that last 20 minutes of brutality, but it’s a shame that the rest of the movie didn’t share the excitement.

1) Godzilla: King of the Monsters

RT Critic Score: 41%

RT Audience Score: 83%

How do these movies keep getting sequels? I’ll admit the Kaiju battles were badass, but there needed to be more of it and a better reason for it. The entire human plotline had me groaning and rolling my eyes. I have so many questions. If Godzilla is radioactive, and his fire breath is radioactive, how are there even humans left alive at the end of the movie? I felt like following Dr. Serizawa’s lead and departing the film halfway through. I don’t blame him for wanting to abandon this ship. Since the last movie that made me want to walk out was 2007’s In the Name of the King, Godzilla was an easy choice for the worst movie of 2019.

Honorable Mentions

These films didn’t quite make it into the top five, but I wanted to include them as honorable mentions. John Wick and Alita had originally made the top five list and would now be 6th and 7th respectively. Ratings after that point get difficult, so this isn’t necessarily the second half of a top ten.

John Wick 3: Parabellum

RT Critic Score: 90%

RT Audience Score: 86%

John Wick has become one of my all-time favorite action franchises. From the moment Reek did the unspeakable in the first film, Mr. Wick has shown us why he is the greatest asset in the world. Parabellum was more of what we’ve come to expect in terms of high octane fight sequences and sheer brutality. Being pitted against the best killers in the Continental shows us just how incredible, creative, and deadly Wick can be. I also want to give a shout out to the amazing dogs in the film. John’s pitbull was adorable, and Sophia’s german shepherds were unstoppable. Give me thrilling action and good dogs and you’re almost guaranteed to make me happy.

Alita: Battle Angel

RT Critic Score: 61%

RT Audience Score: 93%

Alita was the first film of the year that I saw multiple times in theaters. I’ll admit that I had very little knowledge of the source material going into it, but the creator of the original comic gave his approval of the adaptation, which is usually a pretty good sign for fans. What stood out to me the most was the way that the motion captured CGI of Alita and the other cyborgs meshed well with the rest of the environment. When CGI is done poorly, it sticks out. This movie didn’t have that issue, and nothing seemed out of place. There’s even some cyborg dogs, which definitely didn’t hurt its chances of making my list. The only issue with Alita is that while it did well at the box office, it ended on a cliffhanger for a sequel that’s currently far from guaranteed.

Zombieland: Double Tap

RT Critic Score: 68%

RT Audience Score: 88%

As a huge fan of the original Zombieland, it was great to see what the gang was up to ten years later. I loved the new classification system for zombies, the Tallahassee and Columbus doppelgangers, and most of the new characters. Madison and the hippy commune were a bit on the annoying side, but nothing could distract from the methodical mayhem we’ve come to know and love from the Zombieland crew. I’d love to see more adventures, and I hope we don’t have to wait another 10 years for them.

Jay and Silent Bob: Reboot

RT Critic Score: 65%

RT Audience Score: 94%

If you’re a fan of Kevin Smith, you’ll love this movie, but I understand that his style isn’t for everyone. I had the privilege of seeing this live with Kevin Smith and Jay Mewes when they came to St. Louis on their Roadshow Tour. This was the second film I’ve seen with Smith in the audience and I think the commentary before and after his films really help add to the enjoyment. It was great to see so many old faces make appearances, including a very emotional scene delivered by Ben Affleck. If you’re a fan of Kevin Smith, I highly recommend checking out this film.

Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs and Shaw

RT Critic Score: 67%

RT Audience Score: 88%

I’ll start off this one by noting that I checked out of the franchise after the 29 mile runway scene in Fast & Furious 6, but I couldn’t resist this spinoff after seeing the previous and I was not disappointed. The main franchise tries to keep things serious despite the absurd circumstances they’re put in, but Hobbs & Shaw embraces the insanity and drives home a great mix of action and comedy. I hope this buddy cop spin-off continues, and based on how well it did at the box office, I’m confident we’ll see the duo team up again very soon.

Most Anticipated in 2020

Jan 24 - The Gentleman Feb 7 - Birds of Prey Mar 6 - Onward Mar 27 - Mulan Apr 8 - No Time To Die May 1 - Black Widow Jun 5 - Wonder Woman 1984 Jun 26 - Top Gun: Maverick Jul 3 - Free Guy Jul 17 - Tenet Aug 21 - Bill & Ted Face the Music Sept 18 - The King’s Man Oct 2 - Venom 2 Nov 6 - The Eternals Dec 18 - Dune Dec 18 - Uncharted

@AlmightyZing