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wovenstarlight · 2 years

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Hello! I'm thinking about your cached AU again and I was wondering, what is Yoojin's relationship with Song Taewon with like? Because their relationship in canon (at least up to where I've read) is heavily influenced by the fact that Yoojin is an F rank who holds power over S Ranks, making him both a threat and someone to protect. Does Taewon just go red alert whenever Yoojin around now? Does Yoojin keep trying to be friends with him? Does Taewon find that terrifying?

HAHAHAHAHHA. OH BOY. THIS SURE IS A QUESTION THAT HAS AN ANSWER. a very long answer so i'm putting it under a cut. thanks for waiting and im sorry if its incoherent its like 6ish local time. or maybe not im not very concerned wth reading clocks rn

(on ao3)

——

Be careful.

Taewon had wondered, when he received that message from Sung Hyunjae, if it was some sort of joke. A sly way of telling him he’d made trouble somewhere and he’d better prepare for the incoming paperwork, perhaps. The fact that it had been encoded suggested some degree of seriousness to it, but it was vague enough that he’d dismissed it and gotten ready for this long-delayed meeting.

Taewon locks eyes with Han Yoojin and is immediately struck by the complete lack of fear he finds there. So much so that he barely notices when Sung Hyunjae crushes his car with the breezy efficiency of a compactor.

And even as Sung Hyunjae gets out of his own car, even as he turns that amused, glittering gaze onto Han Yoojin, no apprehension sparks to life. No nerves. Just a cool, faintly disappointed look that he turns on the Seseong Guild Leader.

It stops the man in his tracks. Song Taewon blinks at Sung Hyunjae, faint smile frozen on his face, and looks back at Han Yoojin, who’s gazing at him now with a welcoming smile on his face.

…So that was a real warning, then.

Surely it can’t be for what Taewon thinks it is.

—

Taewon was told Han Yoojin was an A-rank. While the Hunter Association staff had confirmed his stats were well within standard range, they’d also made no secret of gossiping about how even the A-rank he’d come in with had looked vaguely spooked. How Han Yoojin carried himself with that unthinking confidence and grace all S-ranks had. How, when Seok Gimyeong had gone to personally take him through the registration process, Han Yoojin’s expression had gone flat and stony, and while he’d cooperated, something in his demeanor had had everyone around him going quiet and hurrying through the steps as fast as possible.

What it boils down to, in the end, is a sense that he’s not what he seems.

What Taewon thinks it is, quite simply, is a high-rank fear-inducing skill. Han Yoojin has no reason to claim he’s lower-ranked than he actually is, not when being higher-ranked would mean getting fast-tracked to a much better lifestyle than what he had before.

What Taewon realizes upon meeting Han Yoojin is that either he was very, very wrong about the other man’s ambition (or lack thereof, as it happens), or that the fear induction skill is far more potent than anyone let on.

“Chief Song-nim?”

Taewon stares at Han Yoojin. He’s merely standing there with a bag of instant coffee in hand, gazing at Taewon over his shoulder, and yet, if Taewon’s phone was in his hand right now, he’d probably have crushed it. As it is, he realizes distantly, his nails are digging little crescents into his palms. “Han Yoojin-ssi,” he gets out, and then stalls immediately.

He’d come here with the assumption that Han Yoojin was an A-rank. Which means all his questions (I wanted to check, are you safe, are you being pressured, why did such a high-rank monster appear in a dungeon with only two S-ranks in it and how did you kill it anyway?) were tailored for an A-rank. For someone that needed protection.

Is something wrong, he’d wanted to ask.

Is something wrong with you? is what his mind supplies now.

“Are you—alright,” he manages eventually.

Han Yoojin stares back at him, fingers tensing faintly around the bag as Taewon speaks. “I… yes? Why wouldn’t I be?”

“…With… the Babar’s appearance in that last dungeon.” It gets easier to speak once he’s started. “And all the higher-ranks you’ve been around lately. I’d understand if you were feeling—stressed, or strained.”

“Ah.” Han Yoojin relaxes. “No, I’m alright. It’s been quite busy, but I’ve adjusted well enough, I think. Thank you for your concern.”

Truth, Taewon thinks. He seems too confident for it to be anything but. But how can that be? To face an SS-rank monster as a supposed A-rank—

“Are you sure?”

Han Yoojin glances at him out of the corner of his eye. The tension isn’t back, but there’s a frown tugging at his lips. Taewon forcibly uncurls the fists his hands have balled into, and continues. He needs a reference. He needs to know what Han Yoojin looks like when he’s lying. “The Babar alone was an SS-rank, and you may have had your brother and ward with you, but even then, facing such a monster as an A-rank—”

And there it is, the slightest creases around his eyes, how he looks down and to the side slightly before meeting Taewon’s gaze once more, lips thinning into a line. Taewon’s so busy thinking over their conversation so far, matching these markers against what’s been said, that he doesn’t realize what he’s saying—

“…seeing them fight… They may be your family, but they’re S-ranks before that. Which makes them dangerous, more than you know—”

Until it’s too late.

“What are you trying to say, Chief Song-nim?” Han Yoojin asks, letting go of the bag of coffee and turning to face him properly. His voice has taken on a sharp edge, and Taewon steps backwards before he even consciously acknowledges the sound. Han Yoojin just steps forward to match, bringing him dangerously close— “If there’s a point to this, I’d like if you could—”

Taewon has a hand around his throat.

Han Yoojin raises a hand (touching? grabbing?). Seize his wrist, twist his arm, shift the grip on his neck, until Han Yoojin is pinned face-down against the counter, cheek pressed against its surface.

Then Taewon realizes he’d moved to begin with.

“…What are you doing?”

Han Yoojin’s flat question kills Taewon’s hasty apology before it can even leave his mouth. His grip tightens instead of loosening. Some quiet part of his brain is counting out the handful of people and low-rank Hunters present in the building today. A much louder part of his mind says he’s testing the hold.

Han Yoojin flexes his hand again, shifting easily even in Taewon’s grip, and he—

He panics.

Looting flares, black not-smoke wreathing his fingers and Han Yoojin’s limbs. Vague surprise flickers over Han Yoojin’s face before his eyes rise to a point in the air before himself, likely checking his status window. Whatever he sees there has his eyes widening sharply.

And then, all at once, something closes off in his face, and he goes limp.

A different kind of alarm spikes through the white-out fear in Taewon’s mind and he tilts his head to get a better look at Han Yoojin’s face. There’s a tightness around his eyes, still, lips pressed together like he’s bracing for something. But when those eyes flick up to meet Taewon’s stare, there’s also a dull sort of… familiarity?

No, not familiarity.

Resignation.

Taewon feels sick. He all but rips his hands off Han Yoojin, backing away hastily. There’s already shadows on his skin where Taewon’s fingers had pressed against it. There’ll be bruises there by tonight. Earlier, even, because—how long had he had Looting active?

He can’t remember. He can’t remember the last time he lost control like that. His stomach twists. He feels sick.

Han Yoojin still hasn’t moved. Taewon tries to remember how tightly he was gripping his neck.

And then Han Yoojin slowly, slowly draws his arm to his side again, pushes off the counter with his other hand, and straightens back up. A pause. Then he turns, just a little, so he can look at Taewon.

They stare at each other in silence like that for a moment.

Then, in a thin voice: “Interesting skill you have there.”

Taewon’s breath catches. Han Yoojin doesn’t seem to notice as he tilts his head slightly and opens his mouth again.

“Why’d you stop?”

…

Taewon—

Taewon leaves, after that.

He doesn’t remember what he says. What he does. Han Yoojin has a knack for disabling his rational mind, it seems.

What he does know is this: that Han Yoojin’s voice, when he asked that question, was genuinely curious. Perhaps even a little pleading.

What he does know, looking back, is that Han Yoojin didn’t try to pull away. He shifted in Taewon’s hold, yes, and in his panic Taewon overreacted. But he never tried to break free.

(What Taewon doesn’t know if he wants to know is this:

How does a man like Han Yoojin end up feeling resignation?)

#cached au #my sranks #answered #licilou22 #star.txt #guy who has problems disorder meets guy who has problems disorder. what happens next will shock you #spoiler: they are going to have so many fucking problems. Together 🤝#i... hope this answers your question...?#re: protection/threat dilemma: stw's super on edge around him and it makes him lash out in panic sometimes #because hes used to the worst threats being shj or hyh level. and hyj is double that Minimum #but because hyj also presents as Just An A-Rank and genuinely seems like a decent guy + Actually Has A Moral Code #stw's Really Fucked Up about how he reacts to him. so he's just kind of ?!??!?!?! about him #eventually the fear will ebb as he gets used to it. and then he'll be more okay around him. but for now [sucks air through teeth] Nnnhh. No #meanwhile hyj is. not having a good time either. a reprieve from the constant burden/reminder of his brother's death? check #being thrown around and threatened and generally made to feel unsafe in what should be safe company and a safe place? check #just your- whats the phrase kdj used. just some ordinary trauma #hyj is a biiit more hesitant abt befriending him here but stw's formal/polite worksona is so strong that eventually he lets down his guard #which in turn makes stw relax more around him cuz hyj starts being Friendly instead of just Polite #so yes i guess they'll be friends. eventually. ...Very eventually

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girl4pay · 2 years

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Hi ! feel free 2 ignore.

i’m a nanny and my 3 yr old today threw a tantrum where she ended up biting and scratching me and pulling out a chunk of my hair. she’s not usually like this and it was pretty shocking. if one of your kiddos did this, what would you do to like, discourage such violence in the future but also support the kiddo? i didnt know what to do i just told her firmly that she wasnt allowed to hurt people and gave her some space and she calmed down a bit after a while.

omg first of all i’m sorry that happened! i think when it comes out of nowhere and feels so shocking it’s really hard to deal w! tbh what you did sounds a lot like what i would do. the thing w violent tantrums esp at the age you’re talking about is they are inevitable. like you can do all the soft transition periods and emotional validation in the world (and you should!) but violent tantrums are still going to happen bcus age 2-4 is when kids are figuring out that they have the ability be violent intentionally in reaction to their emotional experience. so theres things you can do generally overall to make them secure in their power and agency that they don’t feel the need to exercise violence bcus they’ve learned they can use their words and know they’ll be listened to and respected, and then there’s things you can do in the moment to convey the same.

in general w tantrums i try to stay about 1.5-3 feet away from the kid. far enough they don’t feel threatened, close enough they don’t feel abandoned. i think it helps to treat it as routine - level voice, observational remarks. offer them familiar things like a favorite toy or a pillow (not something that will hurt when thrown lmao). if you’re in a place you think is making the tantrum worse (loud, overwhelming, whatever) explain this to them and offer them a this or that choice on how you can move (‘you can hold my hand or walk alone, we can go to the bathroom or move outside’ etc) unless the kid is physically unsafe do not move them against their will - being ignored and made to feel impotent is like, surefire recipe for escalation. yes this means you might have to be uncomfortable and feel judged in a public space unfortunately. if they are physicaly unsafe, narrate that. ‘i know you’re upset. i know you don’t want to be touched right now. i had to move us because xyz. i’m putting you down now and i won’t touch you anymore.’ i have found quietly humming a song that’s familiar to them like twinkle twinkle, wheels on the bus, classroom type songs is grounding and makes them aware you’re present with them without stressing them out.

once the tantrum has escalated to violence, its really important to remember that rn is not the time to be like teaching lessons. keeping it simple is best. “(kids name), i understand you are feeling angry/upset. (violent action) is not an appropriate reaction and i need you to stop” thank them for listening when they do stop. don’t bring moral judgements or appeals to empathy into it. i find it helps to loosely hold both their hands - like, put my pointer finger under their hand and hold it there w my thumb so it’s like they’re holding my hand instead of the other way around lmao? idk but it works. it’s grounding and it brings them back out of their heads. if they struggle against it, say something like ‘i’m holding your hand because you were doing x. are you ready to stop doing x?” if they say yes let them go and move back away again.

AFTER the tantrum is a really important time i think and when its most likely you’ll be able to convey like a lesson about violence. i’ll literally do like a postmatch breakdown w them and talking it out, usually while doing another activity like coloring or a walk or something. ‘earlier you were very overwhelmed. i noticed when you were feeling that way, you did xyz. did you feel better or worse when i did abc? i’m proud of you for using your words/asking for time to yourself/whatever. when i feel angry/sad/whatever, sometimes i want to (violent action) did you feel like that too?’ in general just connecting with them, bringing things to their attention. depending on the kid three might be a little young for them to fully focus on this. if their attention starts drifting let it happen. you don’t want this to feel punitive, it needs to be a space where they can express themselves and understand that their experiences are normal. don’t force an apology, and if they do apologize thank + forgive them. the last thing i think can help is when you are feeling frustrated or angry, you can acknowledge it and then draw attention to what you’re doing in reaction or as a result of that feeling!

#hope this helps 💕💕💖#childcare

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it-lives-in-westchester · 4 years

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ILITW Fanfic

A/N: So PB crushed all of my hopes and dreams....which was also a great motivation for finishing this fanfic. This is how I personally think MC and Redfield!Noah first meeting went. It’s just filled with my own headcanons and such. Never published any fanfics here before, so please be gentle with me. Named MC Claudia because that is the name I gave her while playing.

Word count: 5272

Warnings: Some bad language and mentions of death/suicide.

The woods around the small town of Westchester, Oregon always had this eerie energy to it. Everyone knew about the wild animals that lived there, especially after the “feral animals” attacks last year. Even without the animal attacks during the homecoming dance at Westchester High, every generation could remember a tragic event that happened in those woods.

There are unmarked graves of people who were sacrificed in witch rituals. A sass suicide that happened in the 70s seemingly done by a creepy cult. Countless mysterious deaths that might have just been accidents or gruesome murders. More people one can count who walked into the woods and never came out again.

Claudia Harrington was well aware of the tragedies that have happened in the woods, after all, she had lived through two of them up close. Still kinda a miracle she survived both of those events, she was not sure if that was a blessing or not. Feeling more numb than ever and her insomnia getting worse than ever.

This was the 3. time this month she had tried to make a new system with the stuff in her room. Maybe she should listen to her mom more often with her having too much stuff in there. Opening one of her drawers, it was a pile of papers, that could have been from anywhere from a week ago or 5 years ago. She sighed deeply and started to make three different piles, one to keep, one that was just blank paper she could reuse and one to throw away. God, there was a lot of crap in there she noted.

Essays from High school, Reports of stuff, notes from Ava, drafts of short stories she had written, essays from her first year at college, checklists. Then something caught her attention. A handwritten letter, it was her handwriting she was sure of it.

"Happy Birthday!" was the first thing written on it. There were no memories she had written this. She continued reading it a bit curious.

"I can't believe you and Jane wou…." Claudia crumbled the piece of paper and threw it in the trash.

Now she remembered it was a stupid thing her consular said she should try. Writing letters to people that they would never read just say everything you wanted to tell them. Claudia did not feel like it helped a whole lot. She thought she had thrown them all away, guess she had not done that.

Continued to look through the paper pile. However, the “letter” she found earlier was the only thing that was on her mind. After a few minutes, she picked up the crumpled piece of paper from the trash and started to read for herself.

Happy Birthday!

I can’t believe you and Jane would have turn 18 today, I know kind of unbelievable, it seemed like it was just yesterday we believe turning 18 meant we were finally adults, oh how wrong we were right?

For being honest with you Noah I have no idea what to write here. This whole thing just feels wrong knowing you are not really gone. I just hope you are doing well, wherever you are.

You’re probably not, but hey I can pretend right?

Good wishes, Claudia.

After reading the whole thing Claudia swallowed a bit. She could not believe she had written this crap almost 2 years ago. Damn, it already been two years since it all happened? It still felt so fresh in her mind. It still stung, after finally reconnecting with Noah after years of not talking to each other. Feeling like things would be okay between them for the first time in a long while.

But then he had to throw all of that away, lying to her face about everything. Luring her and all of her friends to a messed up game of “Are you scared?”. Knowing full well it could end with death.

Oh, how she wished she could hate him for it, after all, he had threatened her with a knife and almost killed everyone because of sheer stupidity, but she could not do it. Still feeling terrible about the fate that Noah Marshall had met all those years ago in the ruins in the woods.

The "official" story about what happened to him, was that he had a mental breakdown because of unchecked mental illnesses and trauma with losing his sister at such a young age. Delusional and hurt going back to the unsafe caves where his sister died in a hope that it could bring her back. The cave collapsed with him inside and killed him.

It was dumb, but what else were the townsfolks of Westchester gonna believe. That the corrupt spirit of his sister manipulated him and then convinced it might be a good idea to sacrifice all of their friends in a hope to free her. Then sacrificing himself in the end so he could free her from that awful half-life she had been living for 10 years. Of course not. Sometimes Claudia even had a hard time believing it as the truth. Even though she witnessed it from start to finish. Still hoping she would see him again in the hallways at school during her senior year of high school.

It was still bothering her on some level that everyone, including her, was just to ignore it. Like everyone did last time after what happened to Jane. This time around they had decided to keep contact, but still.

It could all happen again, right? Some other stupid kids finding the ruins and getting the same life as Claudia and her friends had been living. No that could not happen. They had not fixed anything, it would come back. Maybe when they are 30 or something and has to deal with the consequences then.

Looking at the clock, it was around 04:45 am. Looking out of the window it was dark the only thing she could see was the snow on the ground that reflected the moon lightning. Maybe she should..no was she crazy?

Going back was the whole reason this all started again but at the same time. If she knew earlier that Redfield was gone and it was Jane, could she have prevented it? All that damage? All those deaths? Besides she was not tired so better do something that might be effective and not just scroll through social media till the sun came up, that had seemed to become a habit of lately.

Thank god her parents were gone for the weekend, so they did not have to question her on what she was doing at 05:00 am. Putting on her winter coat and boots while going outside to her backyard. Going past the tree Cody died in and then entering her shed.

It had been a while she had been inside the shed behind her house. An old flashlight that was her fathers was on a shelf, that could be useful. After picking up the that she noticed her bat, Barb lying against the wall. That might come in handy in case things went south like last time she thought, then she grabbed it before going out in the woods.

The woods had not changed over these past 2 years. Tall trees that made it impossible to see the night sky. Weird noises in a lot of places but certain areas where there was not a single sound you could hear. Having a weird feeling that someone or something was always watching you. It almost felt like for each step she took into the woods the heavy feeling in her chest became bigger. At least the snow on the ground made it easier to see where she was going, maybe the flashlight was not necessary.

Finally, she arrived at the clearing, this was here her, Ava, Andy, and Noah had found Dan in the woods, that seemed like it was forever ago.

Halfway to the ruins now, you can do it.

However when she was halfway through the clearing suddenly she heard a tree branch snap.

Almost just by instinct, Claudia turned around. What the hell was that noise? Behind her was nothing, maybe it was a bird or another small animal… c’mon Claudia that can’t be it. She took a better grip on her bat.

“Hello?” She said with a bit of uncertainty in her voice. Looking around between the trees, for something, anything. Nothing, just darkness looking back at her. Turning on her flashlight and she started to flash it between the trees like it would comfort her a lot more if she saw something like a deer. Even then the flashlight was old, maybe older than her, so it was not like it did help to see what was between the trees. She tried to listen if any more noises came, but nothing more happened. Nothing felt too of either. She dropped her shoulders a bit, hadn't even noticed how much tension she had put on them.

C'mon, I am not even there at the ruins yet, it just my mind playing tricks on me.

However, when she turned around to walk deeper in the woods she stopped. Two bright lights were staring right at her, with a dark shadow surrounding it, like ink spilling over. Her first reaction was to get away, far away. It was kinda a blur what happened next, it was just her acting on fear and panic at the moment. She was not even sure if she had screamed or not.

The next thing she could see was the stars filling the night sky with no clouds in sight. Claudia looked up trying to catch her breath. Had she fallen over? She tried to collect all of her thoughts in her head.

What the hell, what the hell, what the hell!? Okay just think.

What she had seen was what she thought, right? Wait that would mean…..

She bolted up, nothing was in front of her. No no-no-no. She frantically started to look around the place. It was real right? No hallucination or her lack of sleep made this up. She had seen it, what she had been looking for the reason she was even here in the first place.

Then she stopped looking around when she noticed the glowing eyes staring at her from behind a tree. When it saw that Claudia was looking at it, it came out of hiding. The glowing eyes belonged to a tall thin shadow creature. She noticed that it seemed to be floating a bit of the ground. The shape was like a man, with a head and arms. So from a distance, it would just look like that, a silhouette of a person. However, if you looked closer you could see that the arms were freakishly long with long sharp fingers at the end of them, and it was a lot taller than an average man.

"Hey" Rising from the ground and started to walk towards the shadow creature. "Didn't mean to do that, you just surprised me"

She noticed for each step she took the distance between them did not change. It took around five steps before she realized what was happening

For each step, she took forward the shadow took a step backward.

When she stopped walking so did the shadow creature.

"Okay then….I'll just stand here then, good for you?"

Planting her feet on the ground. Redfi...Noah was also standing still now. On the other side of the clearing. Just looking at her while holding a hand towards his "jaw". Not much of a conversation.

Guess I have to be the one to break the ice.

"Hello….how are you doing?" That made her cringe in an instance, oh Jesus Christ what kinda question was that. This was also the first time it dawned on her that she had no plans on what to do next. Damn those impulsive thoughts in her head. Well, now it was too late to go back with this.

There was no response to her question. Just the natural sounds from the woods like birds and other small creatures coming back to her.

Well, what kind of response was she expecting?

Oh, I have been doing well Claudia, you know expect for this whole being dead thing. Besides that great.

"That was a stupid question, I just realized that" She awkwardly continued. "Maybe you should say something instead because I suck at this as you can see" Could not help herself to laugh nervously after that. Like this was an awkward family reunion with an uncle asking what’s your plan after college and not her talking to an all-powerful forest spirit who could destroy the whole town if it felt like it. It did not seem like Noah even heard her saying anything or he had the most minimalistic reactions to things, she was about to continue talking.

Then she noticed that his eyes were not staring at her directly, but rather her hand. Was still holding a strong grip on Barb, wasn't she?

Oh shit, did I hit him? shit shit shit shIT! No, relax just….

Taking a few seconds of considerations before she dropped the bat on the ground, and then kicked it far enough away she could not reach for it. Noah’s glance followed the bat and then went back into staring right into her eyes when it was out of reach.

“See… Don’t want to hurt you” she tried to give a small smile to show that she was genuine. In hindsight, that statement was almost ridiculous. What would a bat with barbed wire do against an undead forest spirit? Like if he wanted he could have probably just thrown her against a rock breaking her back in an instant. Maybe he could just drop her onto a tree, as Jane did with Cody, better just break Claudia's neck in on swift motion or maybe I should stop thinking about all the ways I could die, sounds like a plan.

No big reactions from Noah unfortunately, the only thing he did was staring at her again, like he was studying her.

Why isn’t he saying anything?

Claudia almost felt like that made it worse than it was. It was not like Redfield or Jane was that talkative in this type of state either, but they were talking, be it pretty simple.

She did not know what would have felt worse between him saying nothing or him taunting her for letting him die because she was a coward like the others would have done. At this point, she was not even sure if coming back was a good idea at all.

C’mon, I can’t give up this easily. I have to try to say something different.

“Can you talk?” that came out a lot more annoyed than Claudia intended to sound like, now it almost felt dumb asking. At least it got a reaction out of Noah, he was now tilting his head and his eyes widened she could see that the colors in them turned neon blue. Almost like he was taken back by the question.

“.....yesssssss...?”

Claudia felt every hair on her body rise. Even felt like the temperature had gone more down. That voice was the same voice that had been haunting her nightmares for years. The whispering voice that seemed to break through the silence like nails against a chalkboard. Still, even if it sounded nothing like Noah, it had to be him, right? It could not be anyone else? Maybe he remembered nothing so she could not even say it was him, because nothing that made him Noah Marshall was even left.

Jane had remembered, right? Even after 10 years and without the advantage of any of her friends knowing it was her. So he had to remember something, he had to remember Claudia, right?

“Do you remember me?” There was no point dodging the question, Claudia just had to know if he did remember. Hoping there was still something of her old friend in there.

This was the first in a long time he broke eye contact and was looking at the ground instead. Claudia tried to take one step forward, this time he did not seem to mind. It almost looked like he was too deep in his thoughts to even notice.

“My name is Claudia, Claudia Harrington, I am… your friend?” She said that last part almost in a whisper, like who knows what to even call their relationship at this point. They have not seen or talked to each other for almost two years. Last time they talked he had held a knife against her throat and then she let him kill himself. What do you even call that? Besides all types of messed up.

"Claudia..mm?" He said most likely to himself. She tried to walk a few more steps. Without a warning, he turned his gaze back to her and Claudia stopped right in her track holding her breath. Feeling like it got stuck in her throat.

He was not moving, she was not sure if it was her imagination or not, but it felt like everything had turned eerily quiet even more than before. Nothing that was living in the woods was making any noises now or knew to stay far away from where they were standing.

She could hear her heart hammering in her chest and she was wondering if Noah could hear it too.

Why did I not tell anyone what I was planing before going out here? Well, they would have probably tried to stop me. Oh, fucking christ I'm gonna die here. Aren't I?

To Claudia, it almost looked like his eyes was flickering a bit. Then he started to float a bit closer to her, but when he was just about 6 feet away he stopped. He promptly straightens up all of a sudden, It almost looked like he remembered something else.

".....leave.."

"What!? Wait What?"

Claudia had no idea how to respond or what to do with this. Was she supposed to just leave? Stay? Ask what he meant by "leave"? Had she said something wrong? Was he mad at her for everything that happened? Was there just something else unrelated? What had she done wrong? Her thoughts ran rampant. This was not making any sense to her.

Claudia looked up from the ground and Noah had not done anything. None of them had done anything. She noticed that his eyes seem to flicker a bit between the usual white, neon blue, and orange flames.

"No, I am not leaving until you answer my question," She said trying to sound as brave as possible.

"Do you remember me? Yes, or No" Trying to sound tough as hard when every instinct in her screamed she should run away and never look back.

Noah backed away and looked a bit to the left. Seemingly trying to avoid all eye contact with her.

"......Leave.." he said again, lower this time.

"No, answer my question!" Yelling back at him.

It seemed to get a reaction out of him. Turning his head and looking directly at her, she felt like his eyes were piercing through her soul.

Noah started to float a bit closer to Claudia, without breaking eye contact. He bends down so he was just a few inches away from her face. If he had been human Claudia would probably felt him breathing right up in her face and smelt his breath. Had she finally got him to remember something?

"LEEEEAVE!"

Claudia felt ringing in her ears that made her put her hands against her ears by reflex. She also closed her eyes shut to respond to the pain.

Nope, did not make him remember anything, just made it worse. Of course, I made it worse.

Slowly she opened her eyes. A face of nightmares was looking straight at her. The familiar skeletal face and bright orange eyes of flames. Which made her close her eyes immediately back again.

This situation is probably one where most would have run away screaming and never look back. Claudia was considering it. A part of her did not want to go until she got answers and a part of her felt frozen.

She was still holding her eyes shut. Nothing was happening, was he just standing in front of her? She knew something was in front of her and it was not moving. He had not hurt or touched her and the only thing he wanted was her leaving right?

She started to chant under breath

"I am not scared, I am not scared, I am not scared, I am not scared, I am not sc…"

"Huh….?" The whispering voice responded

Taking a deep breath, before opening her eyes again facing him.

"I am not scared of you" His eyes widened a bit like he was not expecting her to say that. "And I am not leaving you either," She said with the best poker face she was able to do while her heart felt like it would burst out of her ribcage at any moment.

The skeletal face with flame eyes was gone and the shadowy face with big neon blue eyes was back again. He backed away as well so he was not right up in her face and was standing a few feet away again.

"I am not leaving you okay, not again, I promise" Claudia took a hand towards him. He looked at it, almost unsure what she meant by it, Claudia continued talking:

"You don't deserve this, and I should have come back sooner, but I am here now, right?"

Trying to give a small smile. Noah glanced between her face and her hand. She stretched out her arm a bit closer to him. Maybe so he could take the hint.

"So maybe, we can be friends again?"

Suddenly Claudia saw that he tried to reach for her hand, but then he suddenly stopped. Almost frozen at the moment. He stood there for about half a minute.

"no" he started to say. He took back his hand. "no no no"

Claudia wanted to say something but Noah continued talking to himself seemingly forgetting that Claudia was even standing in front of him.

"Why back?.....worst...no no-no" He was hiding his face in his hands. Shaking his head back and forth. He continued rambling to himself for a while most of the words Claudia was catching was: "bad" "why" and "no".

"Noah? It's okay just…."

“DON’T!”

It seemed like the orange flames’ eyes were back again for a solid second. They disappeared just as quickly and he looked down at his own two hands and then at Claudia again.

".....Bye," he whispered and then turned around to leave her.

"Wait you can't just go!?" Claudia Yelled at him. He did not seem to care and continued floating away from her.

"After everything you did you can't just leave, you owe me something," she said in frustration. “bye” he replied with again. She ran so she was standing in front of him now and he stopped right in his track.

"What do you even want me to say or do?"

"...leave..." He said while walking straight through her. It did not feel much kinda like a cold breeze that went past her. Still made her shudder an insane amount.

“Hey!” She yelped and turned around to see him, still did not stop.

"...bye….leave..." he said again, waving a hand at her.

“I just want to talk! Come back! Please” It seemed like nothing she said was changing his mind, he was on the other side of clearing now. There was so much she wanted to say and in the end, she finally shouted at him:

“I’m sorry, OKAY!” she noticed Noah stopped walking away.

“.....what?” He turned around with wide eyes. Well no point holding back now, if she was never gonna see him again at least she can say everything she wanted to tell him before being gone forever. Taking a deep breath before continuing.

“I am sorry for everything that happened between us two.

I am sorry I trusted Redfield even though you were right about him.

I am sorry that I couldn’t save Jane from him as well.

I am sorry I left you after what happened to her.

I am sorry that you are…you’re..that you...” That was it, she broke, started to choke on a sob. Tears were starting to block her vision. She hid her face in her hands and continued to sob loudly to herself. When her knees started to feel weak she fell on the forest floor.

Maybe it was naive thinking that just spilling everything out was gonna make her feel or even make the situation at hand better.

It felt like an aching pain in her chest like her heart was being crushed by a pressure she could not see.

It was almost painful to breathe in. God if she started to throw up she would just die on the spot she felt like.

Guilt

That one terrible feeling she had felt constantly since the homecoming night. Been eating at her soul ever since everything happened. Thinking about all the things she could have done differently.

What if she was not an idiot as a child and backed away when a real-life ghost story wanted to be her friend.

What if she tried to talk to Noah after what happened to Jane, instead of a mutual avoidance of each other.

What if she had taken Jane’s place instead of being coward.

What if she had just tried harder to convince Noah it was another way to end Jane's messed up game.

None of her friends seemed to understand that. It did not matter how many times they told her "It's not your fault, you couldn't have stopped this" It still felt like it was her fault. Their choice that night was between life or death. They did not have to choose between killing another person or themself.

For Claudia, it felt like two people she cared about died because of her. Maybe she shouldn't feel bad after all those two tried to kill her and all of her friends. Still, she knew all the suffering they had gone through how much could have been prevented was the question if she had done different choices. Now she had the possibility to make amends with one of them and she messed up that too.

God, why can't I do anything right anymore? C'mon when was I doing anything right ever.

“...Stop crying..”

“What?” She looked up, her vision was a bit blurry because of the tears, but she did notice Noah was standing in front of her now, instead of the other side of the clearing. Then he lowered himself so they were more eye to eye.

“...Don’t cry….” He hesitantly reached out a hand and slowly patted her head for a while. She barely felt it, but that was definitely what he was doing.

"..Is..okay.." he continued talking with a bit of uncertainty, "… don't say sorry….is okay..." was he?

“....Are you comforting me?” Claudia did not know what to think, what was happening? Her worst childhood trauma, the monster who has been haunting her half her life, seemingly trying to cheer her up after upsetting her. When just moments earlier it seemed like he wanted nothing to do with her.

He froze immediately after she asked that. Almost like this was the first time he realized what he was actually doing.

“....working..?” He stopped doing, whatever he was doing. Holding his hands together, waiting for her response. It was hard reading his expression, it was after all just two bright lights that looked at her. It did not look like he had any anger behind his eyes like before as far as Claudia could tell.

“Yeah, we can say that” Claudia responded while wiping her tears away.

At least he did not leave like she feared he was going to do. It was kinda sweet, in a weird way. Maybe it was more of her old friend in there, someone who did care about her.

“....sorry too...” He quietly said. it was almost so low Claudia almost did not catch it at all.

“....hurt you...didn’t I?". He was fiddling with his fingers now and looking lower than before.

"you could say it like that" Claudia responded, a bit unsure what he was talking about this time.

"Sorry," he said again to her. "Sorry… messed up….sorry"

He could be talking about what had just happened, but Claudia's gut feeling was saying he was talking about something else. The whole reason why both of them were even here, to begin with.

"So, you do remember me?"

It was a few seconds of silence, Claudia feared a moment she had messed up again. Nevertheless, Noah started to nod a bit. Even looked like he was rolling with his eyes a bit.

"yes..of course…" she noticed that his eyes seemed to be smiling after he said that, if that even any made sense.

That made Claudia smile as well, she could feel her cheeks hurting.

"I knew you would" She finally said and she felt the tears were coming back again.

"wait… don't cry"

She started to laugh at that comment.

"No no, don't worry, I am crying now because I am so happy" She started to explain. It seemed like he tensed down a bit after she explained herself.

Then they were both sitting in silence for a while, what now? She had to admit it was kinda nice just sitting there with Noah. It was still something left of him inside this shadowy figure, now the question was how to save it. She had no ideas at the moment. Also what was she even gonna tell her friends, they were not so forgiving on what Noah had done. Also with the way he first responded to seeing her again, not the best reaction she could have hoped for. Guess she could tell them later when the time was right.

What snapped her out of her thoughts was a low hissing sound that seemed to get louder. Suddenly Noah went away and hid behind the treelines. Before Claudia could ask what was wrong she felt sunlight hitting her face that made her squint.

She had not noticed how bright it had gotten these past few hours. Guess fearing the ghost of a childhood friend might not even remember you were a bigger issue.

"Yeah….not a fan of sunlight I guess" Remembering how Redfield and Jane had reacted to it as well. She turned around where Noah was hiding between the trees.

"no...hurts a lot" Noah hissed while looking down where the sun was shining.

"I can come to visit again…. Next week? sounds good?" She gave him a thumbs up. He looked at her gesture for a while, before he copied it back. Then he was gone.

Claudia walked to were Barb was and picked the bat up.

"Well looks like I didn't need you," she said to it. She also realized that she never really apologized for potentially hitting Noah in the face, well could do that another time.

The woods were not as creepy with the morning lights shining through the tree. After around 15 minutes, she finally arrived back at her house. Going straight to her bedroom and crashed on her bed until the late afternoon.

#it lives in the woods #it lives beneath #ilitw #ilb #noah marshall #ilitw mc #fanfic #my writing #wellll this probarbly sucks #but I liked it enough to post it #sorry if the english is kinda crap because it's not my first language #claudia harrington

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faranae · 5 years

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Rant Incoming

Those of you who have been here a while know me. I’d prefer to not say anything at all, or at the very least I encourage folks to do their own research when combative topics arise. However, I’m a literal mother and I can not have this sort of accusation just sitting out there without being addressed. Last time I had accusations like this thrown my way in a community I got doxxed over it despite the initial accuser admitting their mistake. People threatened my kid. This kind of thing can literally ruin lives if you let it.

If posting this gets me removed from the @ladystuck2020 gift exchange then so be it, but I will not stand idly by while my character is called into question in a space where I cannot defend myself. Edit: I’m contacting the event staff to be removed from the event. I was very excited to take part, but being removed from the community while also being expected to still take part in/draw art for the exchange is a bit... Ridiculous, really.

I actually gained a fair number of followers from their Discord server today. That server has since thrown baseless accusations at me I feel like I should really defend myself against. I can’t clear things up in-server as my access has been removed. The last thing I need is some exchange of “Where’d Fara go? Oh, banned for being a p*do.” to happen out there and have someone actually believe it. Since most of today’s new folk seem to be from that server, I feel I really need to offer up my side of things.

TL;DR:

Said I thought an anime character was funny, got ganged up on and accused of being a p*dophile apologist because of it, now banned from event server (but not the event!) while the folks who started the trouble and egged it on are still kickin’. Yes, I’m aware that being accused of p*dophilia apologism over thinking an anime character is quirky sounds stupid. That’s because it is.

That’s the post. If you’re on desktop, click through the readmore for details and logs if you care for my side of things. If not, I hope your day is going considerably better than mine and that it keeps bein’ awesome.

Be kind. :)

(Oh, and for all the Ladystuck folks who followed today? I’m not in the exchange any more but feel free to throw a prompt or two my way for funsies. I’ll happily draw for you!)

Whole post:

More than a little concerned that I’ve been soft-banned from the @ladystuck2020 event server after having serious accusations thrown at me and trying to defend myself. I didn’t even start the conversations in question, but since I was the eldest member of the group at the time apparently it was ban-worthy for myself and not the others (my age was repeatedly brought up by the mod informing me of the decision).

What led to the ban:

Group convo decided amongst themselves that because I think Mineta from BNHA is funny I’m a p*dophile/apologist;

Saying said implications were serious and shouldn’t be thrown around so casually was apparently making the minors in the 13+ server feel unsafe, despite fighting my own anxiety attack at the time over having some pretty serious accusations thrown at me for no reason;

As an adult, I “must be aware of the power dynamics at play and should not have continued engaging in the conversation after multiple people expressed discomfort”, despite trying multiple times to exit the conversation civilly before said accusations were thrown and only re-joining the conversation in an attempt to clear my name afterwards.

I stand by thinking BNHA is an interesting show that utilizes many pre-existing tropes, and just because I happen to like the little purple gremlin I did not deserve to have accusations/implications of p*dophilia thrown at me. You can like a character without condoning their flaws. I tried multiple times to back out of the conversation gracefully.

Later on in the day, I’m contacted by a mod stating I’ve been soft-banned from the server for defending p*dophilia and sexualizing minors. The mod was kind enough to give me channel access long enough to backup the logs, at the very least, and after reading through them a few times I personally don’t see it. They’re below, if you have a second opinion or can give me some clarity here.

I’m admittedly a touch salty over having my character called into question, being accused of defending p*dophilia, and being called names repeatedly... As well as being the only one with action taken against them as far as I’m aware. Just checked. The users who were egging it on and namecalling/throwing baseless accusations at me all still have full access as of this writing.

I’m not going to air usernames but I do want to put some context out there. Anyone still in the server can easily look them up and see what was said by whom, but I’m editing out the names and avatars of other parties because I’m not about that drama shit. All I want here is to put the log out there for anyone wondering why I’ve disappeared, and anyone following up on the accusations thrown at me in the chat.

Sorry again for the drama post, but again I say I really can’t just let an accusation like this stand.

Disclaimer: I am not American.

I think this is the part where my take of “It’s a superhero outfit, which are known for copious amounts of spandex and latex, how can you blame one guy for an entire culture” might’ve been misconstrued as an intent to defend/sexualize minors?

Every author or script writer who has ever written anything clearly problematic into their stories is, by extension, also problematic. /s

Also, I think this might be a case of the younger generation not knowing what pedophilia actually is. Again.

The chat then proceeded to talk about the invisibility character whose name I can’t remember because I don’t watch the show being naked at all times, which I did not comment on at all or interact with because even I think that shit’s whack. I, however, was still typing on the previous train of conversation: Some of boys in the class being shitlords. Yes I forgot Mineta’s name for a spell, don’t @ me.

Fara attempts to leave the convo gracefully count: 2

I’m starting to think none of these people have seen any anime made before the 2010s, especially after the reaction to my pointing out that the Hot tub/hot spring trope has been a thing for decades. My point here is still pretty clearly “You can’t demonize this entire thing for using common practices”. This is a Homestuck server. Homestuck. Do you know how much problematic shit there is in Homestuck?

Either way, I fully intended that to be my last message on the matter.

Until someone decides to step forward and get outright hostile:

Fara attempts to leave the convo gracefully count: 3

Aaaand then they bring out the P word. Let the mob mentality begin.

It’s at this point where my anger finally overrides my anxiety, thank God:

Fara attempts to leave the convo gracefully count: 4

That’s it. That’s the logs. I get dogpiled and I’m the only one with action taken.

I’m not even going to deny that I’m a bit salty, but really? How in the hell is this behaviour ever okay? And why am I the one getting shit on over it?

Sigh.

/endrant

#Fara Rants #Ladystuck2020 #Ladystuck #long post #Trigger Warning #Fandom Drama

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amyddaniels · 5 years

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Read Yoga Girl's New Memoir

Rachel Brathen's book hits stores this week. In this excerpt from the chapter entitled "Forgive," Brathen attends a shamanic ceremony in Costa Rica where she finally releases some ghosts from her past.

Buy Rachel Brathen's book here.

One day John [Brathen's boss at the time in Costa Rica - Ed.] told me the commune was hosting a cacao shaman at the farm and that there would be a chocolate ceremony later in the day. I had heard of chocolate ceremonies for emotional healing and I was intrigued. A cacao shaman works with special types of beans from sacred parts of South America. An ancient ritual to prepare the cacao involves roasting and grounding the beans, then mixing the hot chocolate with brown sugar or agave syrup and cayenne pepper in a large pot. Cacao increases the blood flow to the heart and frees the heart chakra. Emotionally it translates to releasing pent-up feelings, and the ritual can be both intense and therapeutic.

John and I arrived at the farm in the early afternoon and joined the group on the patio. The circle of twenty or so people, some of them new faces, sat around the big pot of bubbling cacao. I’d never met a shaman before and was intrigued to see what he would look like. I envisioned an indigenous man, dressed in beads and robes. Instead, I arrived to find that the shaman was an American man in his sixties, with white hair and a long white beard. I sat down in the circle feeling a little wary—what had I signed up for? Of all places, the shaman sat down right next to me and we locked eyes. Looking into his clear, blue eyes, I felt a jolt of electricity zap through my body. It felt as if he were looking into the depths of my soul.

“Interesting,” he said. “We’re going to do you last.” I had no idea what he meant, but I felt chills up and down my spine. We all drank the cacao and my mouth went dry from its bitter, spicy taste. This tasted nothing like the hot cocoa I used to drink on ski trips back home! My friends from the farm told me it could take some time for the cacao to “work its magic,” but it was only a few minutes before I felt myself welling up with emotion. How did I end up here? In the middle of the jungle, with people I barely knew but somehow trusted deeply? The circle felt absolutely sacred, filled with a golden glow.

For an audio excerpt of To Love and Let Go, click here.

One of the attendees was a sweet man named Jesse who lived on the farm and had come to the ceremony with his wife and kids. Jesse was a realtor in town and a friend of John’s. His last name was Angell (seriously!). I felt curiously drawn to his four-year-old daughter, Grace, who sat on a cushion— cross-legged, eyes closed, fingers in a gyan mudra—meditating. Grace wasn’t trying to be present the way the others were. She just was. Seeing her so intensely present without effort awakened something deep inside of me. We were all just trying to make our way back to what we already are! We are born this way, full of light, emanating love. We see it in children; it’s effortless. But somehow we get lost along the way. I felt a light emanate from Grace straight into my heart and, before I knew it, I had lost track of time and space. My eyes were open but I was breathing so deeply, completely immersed in the intricate workings of the moment unfolding around me. I felt one with the circle, one with the earth and the sky, one with all, and it lasted for what felt like forever. It was the most intense spiritual experience I had ever had. There was no thought, no ego, just light.

Meanwhile, the shaman worked his way around the circle, taking his time with each person, sitting with them, guiding them deeper. Eventually, after many hours, I was the only one left. Turning to me, he spoke out loud to the whole group. “We are about to enter a very sacred space together now.” I heard his voice clearly, but it was as if I were somewhere else. I felt like I was floating above the ground. “You are on the verge of something life changing,” he told me. “Everyone has a purpose in life, but it’s very rare that I meet someone and immediately know theirs. I knew it the moment I looked into your eyes. And you are meant to realize and understand it now, too.” When he said this, I started crying, but it was different from the tears I had shed in the past. I wasn’t gasping for breath or wiping snot from my nose. Streams of tears flowed, no, poured from my eyes, but it didn’t feel like I was crying. It felt like I was purging. These are not my tears, I thought. But if they weren’t mine, where were they coming from? “They’re your ancestors’ tears,” the shaman said, as if he’d heard my thoughts. “That light you’re feeling in your chest? We all feel it, too. Keep expanding it. Keep breathing into it. We are going to move into your ancestry now. It’s a dark place and you’re going to need to bring this light with you.”

Rachel Brathen aka Yoga Girl

I did as he said and closed my eyes. “Standing behind you are your ancestors,” the shaman said. “To your left is your mother. To your right is your father.” Behind them were their parents—my grandparents—and behind them theirs, and so on, he said, “creating an infinite triangle of generations behind you and forming the entirety of your past and your lineage. As you can feel, your ancestry is weighed heavy with pain.” Suddenly, I was overcome with emotion. I still felt the light emanating from my chest, but the rest of my body grew heavy with sadness and fear. Visions came before my eyes that felt like memories. I saw it all so clearly. Just like the tears I was crying weren’t mine, the memories I saw flash in front of my eyes weren’t mine either. I saw my dad, as an infant, being thrown across the room by his father in a fit of rage; whipped with a belt; abandoned in a sterile hospital bed. My mother as a little girl with bruises on her arms, all alone and crying under her bedcovers while her sisters ate dinner with my grandmother in another room. My grandmother as a child locked in a cold dirt basement, the space so small she couldn’t stand up or lie down. My grandfather, chased down by his dad and beaten with a closed fist. The flashes of abuse went so far back that I didn’t recognize the children in them anymore, but I felt their fear and their sadness intensely. I was witnessing abusive behavior as it was passed down through generations. I felt my whole being weighed down with pain and sadness, but if I kept breathing into the light in my heart the way the shaman guided me to, it was bearable. Vision after vision passed in front of my eyes, and although I wasn’t speaking, the shaman was able to address them all. He saw what I saw. After a while, I felt myself strangely distant from yet intricately connected to what I was seeing. A part of me understood: this all lives in me. I was witnessing pain passed down from person to person, and however awful it was, it was what it was. I couldn’t change it. It was the past I’d been given, and it was given to me for a reason. In an instant I had a massive revelation: None of the people in my family had acted with intentional cruelty. They were acting out what they knew, repeating a pattern that started long before their own consciousness, generations before they were even born. The trauma was passed on to them and, strangely, they had no other choice. This was the best they could do.

Finally, I saw myself as a child, and all of the emotional damage that was done to me. I saw glimpses of my mother’s depression, her suicide attempt, leaving me alone to take care of myself. All the separation and divorce in our family. I saw my father abandoning us to start another family. Threatening us. Yelling at me. With every flashback I felt the pain I’d been carrying for so many years. With that came the insight that I’d lived my life up to that point with the idea that my parents “should” have done things differently—as if they had made a conscious decision to bring about such hurt. Once I could see and feel what they endured as children, my own childhood began to make more sense. In one swift moment, I understood that my parents loved me the only way they knew how. They had done the best with what they were given. What more could I possibly ask?

The next breath I took was so deep it felt like the whole of the universe was breathing through me. As I breathed out, I exhaled much of the resentment I’d been carrying for most of my adult life. The pain was still there, but it was bearable now. There was still healing left to do, but the weight of my sadness was lighter. With that realization, I cried so hard it felt as if the world was crying through me. I’d been right earlier when I’d thought my tears were not mine. They were the tears of an entire lineage, of all of my ancestors combined. I cried for my mother, for my father, who were just children once, too. I cried for my grandparents and for their parents. I cried for every child who had ever felt unsafe, for every moment of pain they’d ever endured. I cried for all of humanity until, suddenly, there were no tears left to cry.

When I opened my eyes again, it was getting dark outside. The whole day had passed and the only people remaining were the shaman, my boss, John, and a woman I didn’t know. They were all looking at me with tears rolling down their cheeks. The shaman spoke to me: “It is your life’s purpose to take on the accumulated pain of your ancestors, carry it on your shoulders, and transform it to light throughout your lifetime.” As he was speaking, I felt a palpable light shining from my chest. If light was a feeling, this was it. “This all ends with you. All of this pain—it ends here. It’s a heavy life purpose to have, but you can do it. It’s why you are here. This pain ends with you. Your daughter will be the first in your lineage not to take it on.” Goose bumps suddenly covered my body. “My daughter?” I asked. “Yes,” he replied. “Your daughter. Spirit has great plans for her, too.” I smiled. One day. A daughter. Looking at the others, he said, “Place your hands on Rachel. She needs to feel this connection.” They did as they were told, but I felt uncomfortable. My own hands were on fire—I didn’t need people to put their hands on me. I needed to put my hands on someone else. I turned around and put my hands on John’s and the woman’s backs. It felt like flames were shooting out of my palms. John later said it felt like he was being lifted off the ground.

I don’t know how long we sat there, the four of us, on that wooden deck, but I felt the need to rest, so I closed my eyes. When I awakened, I was alone. A quiet rain fell on the tin roof, and a mist rose from the grass. The light I’d felt emanating from my body earlier was still there, and my heart felt like it was swelling out of my chest. Everything was so unbearably beautiful. The silence was otherworldly, like nothing I’d ever experienced. But it wasn’t that the world had gone quiet. It was my mind. The incessant chatter I’d lived with, that little voice in the back of my head that said, You’re not good enough . . . no one loves you . . . that’s why everyone abandons you—the voice I was only ever able to quiet during moments of intense meditation—that voice was quiet. The silence was coming from within. Is this enlightenment? I wondered. With that thought came the instant realization that it wasn’t, because if it were, I wouldn’t be asking the question. I felt no disappointment. Okay, it wasn’t enlightenment. But it was damn close.

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cedarrrun · 5 years

Link

Buy Rachel Brathen's book here.

For an audio excerpt of To Love and Let Go, click here.

Rachel Brathen aka Yoga Girl

#sleep sounds #sleep music #white noise app #nature sounds #relaxing sounds #rain sounds for sleeping

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krisiunicornio · 5 years

Link

Buy Rachel Brathen's book here.

For an audio excerpt of To Love and Let Go, click here.

Rachel Brathen aka Yoga Girl

#sleep sounds #sleep music #white noise app #nature sounds #relaxing sounds #rain sounds for sleeping

0 notes