#besties it has been the longest week and I’m so so so tired

[geryone]

It hits 10:30 & I physically have to fight to keep my eyes open

[ladylooch]

How Country Feels - [Mack X David]

A/N: I am so excited to bring this to you today for many reasons. First of all, it’s Mack and David in Iowa. So we know it’s smutty and adorable. BUT! Mostly I am excited to give this as a gift to my bestest bestie @casualhilarity. You graduated!!!!! From your really tough 6 week training program and I am so so so so so so proud of you! There was never a doubt that you would be successful in this adventure. This step is just the beginning for you. I cannot wait to see what is next! In the meantime, please enjoy our thoughts on Iowa coming to life in the longest post I have ever made on Tumblr 🥹💜

Word count: 8.2k

Warnings: mentions of death, cancer, grief, smut (18+ content)

10,000 feet above Des Moines, Iowa, Mackenzie Hischier looks out the window as her plane begins to descend from her connecting flight from LAX. She has been flying across the world for almost 18 hours trying to get here. Queenstown, New Zealand was home for her the past three weeks. Her internal clock is all sorts of fucked up from the massive time swing she is going through, but she was able to sleep in sync with the Central Time Zone on her first flight. She is hopeful that will curb some of her jet lag. 

The landscape below is much different from the crystal blue water and rigid mountain peaks she came from. Instead, it is flat and vast, various different shades of greens and brows. It’s also windy. She scrunches her nose as the plane swings a bit to the left before continuing on at a smoother pace. There is not much out here to block the wind, but thousands of windmills dot the prairie below them to capture the best energy source nature can give this area. Mack has never been to Iowa, or the Midwest outside of Chicago, which doesn’t feel or look anything like what she is seeing. 

Shortly after landing, Mack walks out of the secure area, heading down to baggage claim 2. As she gets closer to the carousal, she sees a tall man with a thick black mustache, blue jeans, and a plain white t-shirt stretched across his broad chest. His hands are stuffed in his pockets as he leans against the wall by baggage claim 2, boot clad feet crossed over at the ankles. A worn, NYR baseball cap is on his head, hiding his green eyes that are devouring her even as they hide in the shadow of the bill. Mack can see the toothpick in his mouth as she gets closer. He pushes off from the wall, starting to walk towards her. Never in her life did she think she would do this, but her pace quickens and she hustles her ass across that tiled floor to be picked up by him.

“Hi!” She exclaims as she throws herself at him. He catches her easily, hauling her up his chest, both big hands clutching her ass.

“Hi honey.” He grins up at her. Mack licks her lips, then puts them on his. He squeezes her tighter into their kiss. “Mmm, missed that. Missed you.” He lets her slide down his body, Vans hitting the tile again. “Thought it was winter in New Zealand. How are you so tan?”

“There was so much sun! We got lucky pretty much the whole trip.” This trip was with two of her colleagues because it is a big feature with the magazine. Mack is grateful they had a photographer so she could focus more on the stories of the locals and less about getting the perfect shot for print.

“Good. Glad it worked out for you, baby.” He says, wrapping an around around her shoulders. “You tired?”

“Um, yeah. Don’t let me fall asleep.” She mumbles into his side.

“I won’t. You’re in Iowa now. We gotta work when we get back to the farm.” Mack’s eyes widen. She looks up at him with concern. David starts to laugh.

“I’m kidding. Work is done for the day.” 

“But tomorrow?”

“It begins all over again. Gotta feed the cows, let the chickens roam, check fence, and a thousand other tasks.”

“Hard working boy.”

“Yeah.” He grins proudly. The beeping of the baggage claim alerts them before the metal begin to turn. David sees Mack’s bag and steps forward, easily hauling it off. “Just this?” Mack nods. “Let’s go baby.” He holds a hand out for her to take. She laces their fingers together, surprised at how rough his hands feel. Her gaze travels up his arm to his bicep, noting it is rock hard and bulging even without flexing.

“How long of a drive is it?” She asks after they are tucked into David’s big, black truck. He whips it fast and easy out of the parking spot, then roars the diesel engine out of the parking ramp. 

“Ah, about an hour.” He tells her, sliding his hand over to cup her thigh. She weaves her fingers through his. He squeezes them tight. “Plenty of time for you to tell me everything about your trip.” Mack smiles, adjusting herself in the passenger seat so she can look at him while she talks. She loves talking to David. As great as everything else is with him, he is a great listener and always asks the best, most insightful questions about her work. She could talk to him for hours. When she is done, she switches the topic of conversation to him.

“Tell me about the farm. What can I expect?”

“Um,” He chuckles, nudging his hat up off his forehead to scratch an itch. “Well, it’s pretty quiet out there. We are about 15 minutes south of the town closest to us. It has been hot this summer, so I hope you got some summer clothes in there.” Mack does. She packed as accordingly as she could. “Hours are long. I’ll be up before you and come back around dinner time.”

“Oh, I thought you have staff?” Mack questions.

“I do, but someone needs to manage them.” David says. “My farm manager is off on vacation right now. Usually takes the whole month of August off and leaves it to me before he is back to managing it on his own when I head East.” 

“Oooo, you’re the boss.” Mack giggles.

“Yeah of the farm and you.” He quips. Mack rolls her eyes. He is not the boss of her, but he can keep pretending he is.

“Am I gonna see you while I’m here?” She jokes. David licks his lips and nods.

“Yeah, I’ll be able to step away. I have some things planned for us too. Figure I could take you back up to the state fair next week. Get you something on a stick.” Mack gives him a weird look. ��You ever been to a state fair? County fair? Nothing?” Mack shakes her head no to both. “Holy shit.” He chuckles.

“At least I don’t think we did when we lived in Jersey. I don’t know that was a long time ago.”

“A fair is where you eat fried food, mostly on a stick, and play games to win prizes, drinks some beer or other frozen drinks to stay cool. Farmers and 4H kids bring their animals to the fair to be judged.”

“What is 4H?” Mack wrinkles her nose in confusion. David looks slack jawed at her. 

“Oh baby. It’s gonna be a whole different world here for you.” He laughs like it’s cute to him.  

Mack feels the first itch of apprehension tickle her spine.

She has been all over the world, but she may be completely out of her league here. 

- - -

The moment Mack steps out of David’s truck in the parking lot of the local watering hole, she can hear the consistent beat of the country song thumping in the tiny bar. David says its a bar, but to Mack it honestly looks like a shack she would avoid if she was alone. After getting a tour of the farm earlier, David informed Mack they were going to be meeting his friends for drinks. He has been talking her up all summer and they’re all eager to get a glimpse of this mystery woman who has stolen David’s heart.

Mack purses her lips for a moment, then looks down at her outfit. She is dressed in a flowing black, long sleeved top from Dior and Black frayed shorts from a boutique in Paris, paired with a Gucci belt. On her feet are black and white Nike Air Force ones. She has on various expensive, designer jewelry and a Prada cross-body bag her mom and dad got her for her last birthday. David had told her she looked good for where he was taking her. She feels very, very overdressed, like even her silk pajamas would be too fancy for this place.

“David.” Mack mumbles when she meets him at the back of the truck. He grabs her hand in his.

“What?” He asks. He is in dark jeans with a blue and white, light weight flannel. His sleeves are rolled up his forearms, exposing his tattoos and the tan skin from a summer of hard work. He took a shower and styled his hair perfectly with a crisp part and a perfect swoop.

“I am so overdressed.”

“What do you mean?” He asks. “You look great?” Mack doesn’t know how to tell him that she is pretty sure her outfit costs more than this bar does. “Don’t worry about it. You’re beautiful and sexy and you’re walking in on my arm. No one is going to mess with you.” Mack snorts and then starts to laugh.

“I wasn’t thinking that, but I’m trying to make a good impression.”

“Babe, they are going to love you. Trust me.”

Within an hour, Mack senses that isn’t going to be the case. 

She can feel the judgement. Detect the way it crawls over her body from his friends. The looks of “not one of us” and the whispers between the girls. She has been talked about enough behind her back throughout life to know when it’s happening right in front of her face. It started when she tried to order a Paloma. The bartender had looked at her like she grew a second head. She glances at David nervously.

“Curley, it’s tequila, grapefruit juice and lime. You got all that shit behind the bar.” David gestures to the wall of liquor. 

“You wanna come make it David?” Curley asks.

“Fuck. Sure.” David shrugs, going behind the bar and showing Curley how to put the drink together. “You think you got that for next time?” Curley did not look like he had it for next time, so Mack switches to tequila and soda instead. 

The conversation around her has centered on all things farm and rural life. What so and so is up to now. Who had a baby. Who just got divorced. Who was cheating on who. It all seemed very juvenile and uninteresting to Mack. David stayed out of it for the most part, listening along with Mack until his friends, Cody and Trevor, started talking Iowa Hawkeye football. Then she lost him to that.

Mack fingers the cocktail napkin that is soaked with condensation below her glass. It’s times like these where Mack feels so out of place in a country she is a citizen off. She knows this isn’t a full, direct correlation of America, but how can she be more out of place here than when she was in Tokyo last year? Or she can get down and dirty in the rice fields of Thailand and feel more connection with locals who don’t speak the same language than she can in the center of the country she was born in.

David’s lips on her temple break her internal discourse. Mack smiles at him. He rubs her shoulder as if to ask “you good?” She nods at him, smiling reassuringly. 

Dun, nu, nu sounds through the bar speakers, then the whole group slaps their hands on the table. “Woo!” They yell. Then Dun, Nu, Nu. Slap, “Woo!” The whole table erupts excitedly, as a man begins to drawl over the sound system. The table turns to look at David, screaming out the next lyrics, “You were raised on an asphalt farm!” Mack blinks, feeling lost. David tips his head back, laughing loudly.

“Davey! It’s your song!” A girl who Mack can’t remember her name, screams then chugs more of her Miller Lite. 

“Get up and swing your asphalt girl around.” Mack’s eyes widen. David chuckles, tapping her thigh assuringly. 

“No, we are good.” David knows Mack would rather be a metal sign on the wall of the bar than get up when no one else is dancing. Being on display is not her thing. She is grateful for that until she sees the sneering glares of the two women at the end of the table.

“Oh, she’s too good for dancing too.” Mack faintly hears.

Mack looks at David. She can tell he didn’t hear what she heard. Not surprising with how loud his other male friends are signing along to the country song. Mack looks down at the girls, noticing how they avoid direct eye contact with her. The blonde one puts her hand up to her mouth, whispering in the red head’s ear. Then they both giggle. 

“No, let’s dance.” Mack suddenly says to David. She isn’t going to let two, small town, hick bitches intimidate her. 

“What?” He responds, surprised. 

“Yeah, show me what you got cowboy.” She jokes as she stands.

The entire table sucks in a huge, deep breath.

“Oooooooo She is in trouble.” One of the boys mumbles. David gives her a sympathetic smile.

“We aren’t cowboys, honey. We are farmers.”

“What is the difference?” Mack scoffs, laughing, thinking he is pulling her leg. David winces slightly at the large yelp of the table behind him, then grabs Mack, pushing her towards the center of the bar.

“I’ll show you later.” He chuckles, kissing her mouth. 

“Did I say something wrong?”

“Ah, no. They’re just sensitive. Don’t quite understand how other people are outside of these state lines.” Mack gets quiet, retreating into herself again. David practically drags her around in a circle because she is shutting down internally. “Hey…” He trails off. “This is all new to you. It’s okay.” 

“They don’t like me.” She looks at the center of his chest as she says it, not wanting to see the confirmation on his face.

“Nah, they just don’t know you, sweetheart. A lot of layers to your onion.” David can twist into any which way that he wants, but they both know Mack is right. They don’t like her… right now at least.

When Mack and David head back to the table after their dance, the mood at the table has seemed to shift. Now, they all ignore her. 

“How is the herd looking, Trent?” David asks the guy across from Mack. David’s hand is around her shoulder, rolling his fingers in a circle over the thin material of her shirt.

“Should be a good year.” Trent says. “We really need it. Been hurting the last few.”

“Yeah, we all have.” David nods. “Weather has been shit. Can’t out work that.”

“We can sure fucking try tho.” Trent grins, then clinks beer bottles with him. David brings his over to clink with Mack’s glass. She does so. Trent sucks at his teeth, making a slight slurping noise after swallowing more beer. 

“Mack, where did you grow up?”

“In New Jersey before we moved back to where my dad is from in Switzerland.” He nods.

“You have a job growing up or anything?” David cocks his head to the side at Trent. “I’m just trynna find something to relate to her with.” He justifies.

“Um, no. My parents wanted us to focus on school.” Trent sighs like he is disappointed. 

"Must be nice to have a daddy who was able to give you anything you wanted. Didn’t have to work your way through high school to make ends meet.” 

“Trent, knock it off.” David snaps. “Mack knows what hard work is.”

“Does she? Cause the rest of us aren’t thinking she does.”

“Hey, don’t speak for all of us.” Cody snaps. “Drink your beer and shut up.”

“I’m just thinking that it must be nice to have an NHL daddy who can call in a favor to get you a job where you barely have to work as an adult too.” David stands up, chair knocking back to the floor. He reaches across the table to grab Trent, hauling him up to a standing position. 

“Apologize, right now, and I won’t smear you into the wood floor your daddy installed.” 

“I-I-I’m sorry. I think I’m drunk.”

“No shit.” David sneers, shoving Trent back into his chair. The rest of the table goes ghostly silent. Other bar patrons look over their shoulders at the group. Mack is flaming red over the embarrassment of the words thrown her direction and David’s intense reaction. She is equally mortified and turned on.

“I’m going to go to the bathroom.” Mack whispers as David kisses her cheek in reassurance. David gives her a sympathetic look, drowning apologetic eyes watching her as she heads to the back of the bar. 

Mack goes into the first stall, leaning her back into the tiled wall and covering her face. She sucks in deep breaths, trying not to cry. This night could not get any worse. She wants to leave so bad, but she has never been one to back down from a fight. She isn’t going to start now. She doesn’t want them having the satisfaction of seeing her rattled and vulnerable. No, she’ll throw her walls up and fake charm the pants off them. But first, she is going to grab some fresh air.

She heads through the double wood doors, walking down the parking lot, away from the posse of smokers out front. Her arms are crossed over her chest tightly trying to fight off the chill. She doesn’t understand how it can be so hot in the afternoon, but cool down in the evening. Another thing about Iowa she just “can’t understand”. Tears sting her eyes a bit. She feels dumb. Why is this bothering her so much? That guy is a douche. She knows who she is. She shakes off his words, running her fingers through her hair. Mack knows its because she wants to belong here with David. And from her perspective, so far this trip has been less than successful.

A big, heavy jacket comes around her shoulders. She looks to her right, seeing David. His eyes are boring into her, studying her face.

"Looking at the stars?" He asks her.

"Mhm." She looks up at the millions of little dots. Now this reminds her of being in the Swiss Mountains. The same sort of inky black sky dotted with delicate twinkles. He runs his fingers along her shoulder, resting on the back of her neck. He guides her into his side.

"Talk to me, Hisch." 

"I guess I don't have much in common with this version of you.” Her European accent drips into her voice. She is surprised to hear that. It only comes out when she is feeling emotional, creating a difficulty with keeping a Western dialect. David grabs the opening of his jacket on her, tugging so she turns completely towards him. He steps forward, crowding her space. He brings a big paw to her chin, tilting her face up to his.

“What version?” He asks, laughing it off. “Baby, I am who I am. No matter where I am.” He brushes her hair back behind her ear. “And you’re everything I’ve dreamed of.” Mack can see how much he means it. It’s in his touch on her cheek, in his gaze stroking along hers, in the sureness of his voice. She nods. He captures her lips. The kiss is soft, sweet sucks and gentle nudging of his tongue against her bottom lip. His other hand winds around her waist, pressing into her lower back to keep her tight to him.

David says the right things, but that kiss says more to Mack than his words ever could.

His lips on hers erase it all- the insecurity, the doubt, the not belonging, the not good enough.

He grounds her because he knows what she needs immediately, sometimes before she even knows. But tonight, it is his physical reassurance soothing her more than anything. He towers over her, shielding her from everything with his muscular body, and consumes her in a way that feels safe not smothering. 

"Just say the word and I'll go back in there to straighten Trent out." Truthfully, having him storm back in there would be so fucking hot. She would get to watch him teach Trent a lesson and get all hot and bothered between her thighs. 

“What is the other option?” She murmurs.

“I take you home. We can spend the rest of the night by ourselves.”

Mack contemplates what home entails. She wants him to hold her hand in his dark truck the whole way home. She craves for him to undress her slowly in that small house. His boots hitting the floor at the foot of the bed while he urges her to lay back so he can take his time undressing her. She needs his rough, calloused hands on her soft hips as he pulls her panties down her legs. Then she wants him soft and slow, gently thrusting deep into her in a missionary position as he irritates her lips with his mustache.

And that’s exactly what Mack gets. 

“You look so good for me, honey. So wet and soft and perfect. Take me so well.” He praises her from where he holds his weight above her. His hot breath dances over her face, coated in light beer and her from his previous perch between her thighs. Mack is blissed out, drunk on him and the stroking of him against the walls of her pussy. 

“David.” She sighs, collecting him to her chest. He presses his to hers and then rolls his tongue into her mouth. He gathers her moans, sucking them up greedily so they are only his tonight. He fucks her deeper, harder, perfect bucks into her wet heat. “Fuck you’re so good. So fucking good.” She cries.

“Yeah? Best?”

“Yeah!” She yells.

“Say my name, sweetheart. Say who makes you feel this good.”

“You! David!” She howls.

“Good girl. My girl.” He groans. Mack’s inner walls clench him, pulling him deeper with each flutter of her getting closer and closer to the edge. Her heels dig into his butt, forcing him to stay right fucking there. She turns her face into his neck, sinking her teeth into him as she comes. 

Afterwards, David plays with her fingers as she lays on his sweaty chest. He kisses her forehead, inhaling the scent of her deeply. He keeps his face there afterwards, as Mack starts to go limp in his arms. Her eyelashes brush gently against his warm skin. He shifts her hips a bit, turning to the side so she can lay more comfortable in the crook of his arm.

“Goodnight, honey.” He whispers on her forehead. Then kisses her a final time before leaving her to her slumber. 

- - -

Two weeks into her trip, Mack is still having some trouble adjusting to Iowa. Every thing is completely different here. The grocery store, the little town he took her into, the restaurant options and drinks, even the air is different! It’s laced with manure and dust, making her nose plugged up so she constantly has to drainage. Her eyes have been almost swollen shut every morning of that first week.

“Do you have allergies?” David had asked her. Mack didn’t think so, but she’s also never been to a place quite like this. After a few days of Zyrtec, Mack can finally breathe through both nostrils.

In celebration, and because she is admittedly very bored, she gets into the shower. It’s the only thing in the farm house that is modern. David likes to take long showers after working in the field all day to get clean and relax. He’ll bring a can of Coors Light in with him and have some alone time. Mack thinks is is adorable, getting to see his self-care routine in Iowa. He doesn’t do this after games in NYC, but she thinks that might be because his adrenaline is usually still roaring after hockey. His favorite post-game routing has seemingly been sex. 

After getting clean and putting on some light make up, along with a sundress, Mack got to work putting together a meal for them. She opted for easily transported items like chips, sandwiches, and cut up fruit. Then she made some lemonade from the cup of lemonade mix she found in the pantry. David loves Lemonade down here. She is starting to enjoy it too. This time she puts fresh strawberries in for a little extra sweetness. 

Mack glances out the front window to where two farm hands are working. She puts her feet in the cowboy boots David got her at the boot store in town when she first got here. They are more broken in now and are no longer hurting her feet, so she feels comfortable wearing them for today’s excursion. Then she grabs the basket and steps outside. 

Mack covers her eyes with her hand, looking out at the vastness of the farm. David took her on a tour her second day here, but she doesn’t remember anything. She worries about getting lost out there. She double checks that she has her phone. At least she seems to have good service here. 

“Um, hi.” Mack says nervously as she walks up to the two farm hands by the barn.

“Hi Mackenzie.” They greet her happily. Something about being the boss’ girlfriend she is sure.

“Mack is fine. Um, do you know where I can find David?” She holds up the basket with their lunch. “I want to bring him lunch.”

“Oh, he is in the far back 40 on the edge of the farm property.” One of them says. 

“Okay. And I can get there with that?” She points to the small utility vehicle they whip around on the front of the farm. 

“Yeah….” They trial off, giving each other a look. “Do you know how to get there?”

“I know everything branches off from this road, she points to the left. But after that I am a little lost.”

“I can take you.” The older one, who seems to be more in charge says. “We can take the truck.” Mack nods. “I can put that in the bed for ya.” He hoists it over into the truck bed, then they both get into the cab. 

“What is your name?” She asks once they start down the dirt road. Rocks kick up against the mud flaps and the underbelly of the truck, making her have to yell a bit over to him.

“Felix.”

“Nice to meet you.” She smiles politely. “Thank you for taking me.”

“Of course. Mr. David says you are our special guest. Can’t let you get lost out here.” Mack blushes, biting her bottom lip. 

“Oh I don’t know about that. How long have you worked on the farm?”

“About 25 years. I worked for Mr. Chuck before Mr. David.” Mack knows Chuck is David’s dad. She doesn’t ask, but wonders if he was there when Chuck passed away on the farm.

“That is nice. You must like it here?”

“Yes, they are fair to their workers and their families. Last year, my wife had cancer. The treatment was expensive. We had to travel up to Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. But Mr. David paid for the whole thing and kept my job. My wife has now been in remission for five months.” Felix does the sign of a cross then kisses his lips in praise. 

“Wow.” Mack murmurs. David never told her that.

“He is special. Nothing like his siblings.” Felix’s face seems to cloud over. “We are happy he bought them out of the farm.” Another thing Mack wasn’t aware of. “He has made changes, some hard to learn at first, but all have been good. For us and him. More money and security. People on other farms around here want to work for him the most.” Pride swells in Mack’s chest at hearing that.

Felix turns to the right, heading away from the road and out for a few minutes. They come over a hill, down into a valley where Mack see’s David’s black truck. She frowns, realizing he is out here working alone.

“Is he always out here alone?” She wonders.

“No, just today.” He says. “It’s a hard day for him.” Mack furrows her brows, but nods along. He didn’t say anything before they left. He seemed normal too.The truck comes to a slowed stop. David is working along the fence line. He wipes his forehead with his forearm, looking up at the truck. He sees Felix, then grins huge when he sees Mack.

“Felix! Look at you bringing me pretty little things after busting me for that in high school.” Felix roars with laughter, his big chest shaking as he leans out the rolled down window. 

“This one seems a little less crazy.”

“Eh, you don’t know her like I do.” David winks. He tosses his tools into the cab of his truck. “Stay here, honey.” He says to her. Mack stays put, letting David come to her door. He opens it up, then gives her his hand to help pull her down safely from the high farm truck. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I brought lunch to you.” 

“Oh?” He wiggles his eyebrows, then drags his gaze along her body in her blue, linen sundress. 

“Actual food.” She fills him in. He quips a smirk at her, then leans down to kiss her. 

“Basket in the back, sir.” Felix says.

“How many times do I have to say not to call me that?” David rolls his eyes.

“How many times I gotta tell you it’s about respect?” Felix quips back. Mack smiles. She likes Felix a lot. She can see herself getting to know him more over the next few weeks. 

“Fine. Hey, when you get back up can you tell Becks to get to the N.E. pasture and start working some of the cows into N.D. pasture instead? I don’t think I’m going to get to that today.”

“You bet. I’ll have Reed go with him too. That kid needs to get the hell off my project.”

“He’s a little wild.” David acknowledges. “That’s why he is with you.” David reminds Felix who sighs heavily. “Look what you did with me.” He grins. 

Felix waves and drives off back to the barn after David hauls the picnic basket out of the back. 

“I brought a blanket too.” Mack pulls it out of her bag that she had slung across her shoulder. David drops the tailgate of his truck, then lays the blanket along the back.

“That’s good otherwise your thighs would be burning in that short dress.”

“Is it short?”

“Honey, you know it is.” He slaps her ass to prove his point, getting some of her bare cheek against his palm. Mack leans forward, feeling the fabric slide further up her thighs as she digs in the picnic basket. David runs his fingers up from her knee to cup her ass. He reaches for her arm, pulling her away from the food. “Want something else first.” He sighs against her mouth.

“What if someone comes to find you?” She weakly protests. She had this in mind for lunch too.

“They’ll call me.” He murmurs against her mouth. “Trust me, I don’t want any of my guys seeing you, honey. I wouldn’t take the chance if I didn’t think it was safe.” Mack nods, believing him completely.

He wraps an arm around her waist, pinning her tight to him. His hard cock protrudes from beneath his zipper, pulsing for Mack to touch. Her fingers, clutch the back of his neck, feeling his skin sweaty and hot beneath her fingers. He smells sexy like sweat and deodorant that works just as hard as her man. It’s hot, sexy as fuck to the point that Mack wraps her leg around his waist to grind against him.

David moves his mouth from hers and presses kisses along her throat. He sucks her skin hard into his mouth at the nook of her neck and shoulder, then continues down. Mack arches back, letting her head fall back so he can access her chest completely. His lips continue their path over the swell of her left breast, then he nudges the fabric to the side. Her nipple pebbles in the sunlight, pink and beautiful, just for him. He opens his lips, pulling it in. His tongue strokes over her sensitive peak, then creates a wet trail to the other one, grabbing it between his lips. He lets that one go with a final slurp, then goes back to kiss her mouth. 

“Mmm.” Mack hums. Her fingers go to his belt, working it apart. She pulls his hard length out of his jeans and underwear, stroking along his shaft, feeling the velvet skin tight in her hand. She works her fingers up to his head, stroking until his slit releases pre-cum. 

“Fuck.” He groans, breaking away from their kiss. David turns Mack, lifting her dress up over her ass and pulling her bare skin back to his. He works his cock between her ass, savoring how she grinds her cheeks against him while he holds her tight by her stomach. He kisses her shoulder, tasting her warm, vanilla skin. 

“Bend over.” He growls before she reaches between their bodies and holds his balls, stealing his breath. She rolls them over in her hand as she lays forward obediently. Her right cheek presses into the blanket she brought. David moves her dress up, pulling her thong underwear down for her ankles to hold. David strokes his cock as he puts two fingers at Mack’s entrance, testing her. She is soaked, almost dripping down those creamy thighs for him. He curses again, then plunges into her welcoming heat.

Mack’s arms stretch above her head, gripping the blanket in her palms. Her hard nipples stroke against the ridges of the truck bed with each direct thrust of him into her. David works his hands off her hips to the front of her thighs, keeping his hands there to protect her from the lip of the tailgate. His lips kiss her spine, then he get into position to fuck her hard and fast just like she begs for. The truck suspension squeaks from his powerful pumps.

“So good.” Mack calls back. She opens her eyes, taking in the surrounding Iowa wilderness, grinning at how sexy it is to be fucked by this man right here. Maybe she could be a country girl after all. She giggles.

“What?” He asks her.

“Maybe I am a country girl.” 

“By the time I’m done with you, you will be.” He laughs, slapping her ass with his abdomen with each drill of his cock into her. 

“Oh.” She groans, felling like a completely, coming undone mess at what he is doing with her. His unhooked belt slaps the outside of her thigh as it swings. She moves one hand from above her head, bringing it to her clit to roll it in rapid circles. “David…” She moans loudly, letting her voice go, carrying out across the field.

“Mmm, yeah. Let the world hear you baby. Let everyone know who’s pussy this belongs to.” He brings a hand under her stomach, arching her lower back and hips up so he can drive at a different angle. Mack’s eyes roll into the back of her head, almost securing to her brain at how incredible his cock feels pressing into her velvet circle. 

“Right there. Davey, please don’t stop. Never stop.” Mack wails. 

“Not until you coat this cock, sweetheart.” He assures her. “This what you wanted, huh? Made your man a little meal so he would stuff you full of his thick cock?”

“Yeah!” Mack admits shamelessly. “Ohmyg-“ Mack chokes on the last word as the intensity of her orgasm rips the breath from her lungs. 

“Oh fuck. Baby yes.” He moans, losing control at the hard flutters of her around him. “So fucking good, baby. Perfect for me.” His hoarse voice coos at her as he paints ropes of cum on her walls.

Their heavy breathing makes them hot, sweat beginning to bead along their spines as they lay limply against each other on the truck bed. Then, David straightens up, gliding himself out of Mack gently. She whimpers at the emptiness, wishing he would stay there for a little longer. He delicately drops her dress back over her butt after bringing her panties up into place. She turns, leaning on the tailgate as her legs shake. David tucks himself back into his pants, buckling his belt before focusing back on her. He grips her chin with his thumb and pointer finger, giving her a soft, wet kiss. 

“You are amazing.” He sighs. Mack grins into their kiss.

“You too. Never felt like this.” She whispers, holding him by the back of his neck against her forehead. Never thought she would admit things like this to someone either. But as per usually, David is scratching out all of her rules and rewriting new ones, like spending weeks in America’s heartland and turning down jobs from her editor.

“I’m starving. What did you bring us?” David asks, picking her up and setting her on the tailgate behind her so she can reach the picnic basket. She brought them turkey sandwiches with fresh lettuce, tomatoes, and homemade pesto mayo she put together yesterday afternoon. All the flavors have marinated deliciously together, creating a flavor bomb in her mouth. 

“Holy shit. This is amazing. Thank you!” His genuine appreciation makes Mack’s chest warm. She smiles coyly, with her mouth full of food. He leans down to kiss her. Mack gently chews the rest of her bite, looking over at David who is devouring his sandwich is two more huge bites. She chuckles, then licks her lips before speaking.

“So Felix said today is a hard day for you?” Everything about David’s demeanor changes like a snap. His face darkens. He begins to fidget next to her, slightly pulling away as his body gets rigid. He sniffs, then takes a big glug of lemonade from the mason jar. 

“Yeah.” Mack hesitates, remaining quiet while watching him stuff some chips in his mouth. Then she puts her sandwich down on the plate next to her, turning to sit facing him. She puts her hand on his thigh, continuing to stay quiet until David sighs heavily. “My mom died ten years ago today.” Mack stills, then rolls her bottom lip into her mouth. 

“I’m so sorry.” David nods, clearing his throat.

“This date every year I come out here and fix fence and talk to her. Tell her about what I’ve been up to the last year. Cry a little bit. Then go clean off her and dad’s grave and put some fresh flowers down from her rose garden by the house.”

“That sounds like a nice way to honor her.” Mack murmurs, moving her hand from his thigh to his hand, lacing their fingers together. He brings the back of her hand up to his mouth, kissing along her knuckles.

“It is. Unfortunately, I’ve had ten years to get the tradition perfect.” He sighs. “Every year on this date though, it feels like it just happened.” Mack can imagine so. “Sucks.” He sniffs again. Mack rubs her thumb along the tendons of his hand.

“Will you tell me about her?”

“She was hilarious. Spunky as shit. Had to be with how crazy my siblings and I were in our younger days. We used to pretend to be super heroes and jump off the barn into the hay. It was all fun and games unless you were a bit off…. Or got pushed off like me.” Mack’s eyes widen. “But my mom was always watching out the window and would rip my brothers a new asshole anytime they were picking on me. She was strong and full of joy. She loved worked in her garden. A few of the plants have died off over the years cause of deep freezes, but most of those rose bushes are hers. I hire Felix’s wife to tend to them in the summer so they’re always taken care of. Mom would have wanted that, since she isn’t here to do it…” 

Mack squeezes his hand then brings her other hand up to run over his back. She rests her mouth on his bicep, continuing to listen while holding him. 

“I think that’s why it was so hard when she got sick.” His voices starts to get tight. Tears pinch Mack’s eyes. “That… but also she has missed so much. She didn’t get to see me graduate from high school or college. Didn’t see me get drafted or my first game in the NHL. At least my dad was there for those, but it wasn’t the same. He didn’t have the words like she would have when I struggled to stay up in the NHL those first few years or the way he rode my ass when I was home every summer to be a better farmer.” David shakes his head. 

“It’s like every year something happens that I’m sad she isn’t here for. This year, I’m sad she doesn’t get to know you.” Mack’s bottom lip shakes as two tears go down her cheeks. He turns his lips into her hair, then continues to talk against her head. “She would have loved you- strong, independent, sassy, and so pretty you could bring even the most stubborn man to his knees.” Mack smiles, cupping his cheek to hold him against her. “Those dimples… baby.” He sighs, “they get me every time.” 

“I hope she still likes me now… even from wherever she is watching over you.”

“I think so.” He smiles. 

“Could I go with you to their resting place?”

“Yes, of course you can. I just gotta check the rest of this fence and then we can go.”

“Thank you for telling me. I didn’t know…”

“I know. I’m sorry. I don’t like talking about it. Probably why Felix told you.” Mack nods, understanding that Felix was looking out for David too when he told Mack about today on the drive down. 

Mack and David finished their lunches and she helps him check fence. She walked the line with him and pointed out normal fence she thought looked bad and he taught her about what to look for instead. When they were done, they loaded up into David’s truck, then drove back towards the house.

The house is just comes into view when David peels off to the right and drives to an open unassuming field. There is no fencing, just in ground stones that mark the Carlson members that are buried on the farm. David grabs a bucket full of cleaning supplies. He gives Mack the flowers he picked earlier that had been resting in a bucket of water, then takes her hand to walk over to his parents grave. 

Mack begins to cry immediately, feeling so overwhelmed with sadness for David. And his parents. For everything they have missed. For the people she will never know. For all the moments that David will never get to have with them and how fucking cruel it is that he has to go through that for the rest of his life. All those happy days will have a shade of grey because of who is missing. It’s not fair. She wants to change that for him, ease some of that, but instead, all she can really do is cry sympathetically. 

When they get to his father, Charles E. Carlson’s headstone, David drops her hand and puts his work gloves on. He uses his tools to cut away the over grown grass and weeds. Then he grabs the soapy water and rags to clean the dirty away from the head stone. Mack kneels off to the side, by his mother’s stone, watching quietly, sensing her help is not wanted. This seems methodical and therapeutic to David.

He rests his butt on his heels while he looks down. He presses his palm on his dad’s name, then works his way to his mom’s and does the same thing. This time, wet tear drops fall from his eyes onto the dusty stone as he cleans the grime off. Mack swallows hard, new tears of her own falling down. David puts his left hand on his mother’s name, Beatrice. Mack reaches out, putting hers on top of his. David opens his right arm for her to slide into his side. Then he holds her close.

Mack doesn’t know, but while he holds her tight, David is telling his mom, where ever she is resting, that the girl in his arms is the one.

- - -

Mack can’t believe it is her second to last night here.

As different as it all was when she first got here a month ago, her and David have settled into a nice routine. Every morning starts early, with a romp in the sheets. Sometimes fast, sometimes slow, always incredible though. After that, Mack wanders down in his shirt to make him coffee and some eggs to wolf down fast after his shower. She sits with him at the table as he tells her all the different chores he has for the day. She asks questions. He patiently answers. 

Then, after a long smooch with wandering calloused hands, he heads out to the field. Mack will meet him for lunch, or if it’s too hot, he comes into the kitchen to take a break in the air conditioning. They spend 10 minutes of his hour long lunch eating and the other 50 devouring each other. On the tail gate, on the kitchen table, on the kitchen floor, on the couch- wherever they can make it to before their clothes start falling to the floor.

David will return back to his chores, then come home around dinner time. Him and Mack trade off making dinner. He likes to grill for her as she tries different self- prepared marinades with fresh produce from the farm’s garden. Then they end the night watching the sunset on the front porch, which is where they are right now.

The porch swing sways gently from David’s light rocking. A calm, cooling breeze blows through the wrap around porch that hugs the white farmhouse his family built generations ago. Mack thinks about her flight in two days that is supposed to connect her with Newark before she will turn around in 24 hours to head towards Aruba. Dread pinches her stomach uncomfortably. She has started to fall in love with this place and all of it’s differences that she hated 4 weeks ago. David is staying here for two more weeks. He would be returning to New York a few days after she gets home from Aruba.

Mack looks down at his forearm across her stomach. Her fingers tips drag along his tanned skin, watching the goosebumps form on him from her touch. An emotional sigh falls from her lips. His lips touch her hair in recognition, fingers pressing deeper into her side.

“You okay?” 

“I don’t want to leave.” She confesses. He moves so her back falls across his lap. His other arm catches her head in the cook of his elbow. “Wanna stay here with you.” She whispers, reaching up for his face. 

“Baby, if you wanna stay you can, but if you need to go, that’s okay too. There is a whole life of yours outside of me.”

“I know. But it can wait until I’m ready to rejoin it.” David smiles down at her. His fingers run up from her stomach, along her left breast, to cup her cheek. Mack presses up to meet his lips. His hand tangles in her wild, country hair, gripping her tight to his mouth so he can taste her thoroughly. 

“You’re sure? I don’t want you to feel like you have to stay here.”

“I don’t.” She assures him, gripping his wrist where that hand still holds her face. His thumb rubs a track across her cheek bone, looking into her brown eyes. 

“Okay. Then stay. I want that.” He admits. “Was feeling really sad in the field this morning, thinking about driving you up to the airport.” Mack smiles, nodding in agreement. He pulls her up to kiss him again, then lets her head settle in his lap as she wiggles down. Her hair splays across his thigh as he works his finger prints gently into her scalp. Her eyes flutter, wanting to close and give into how good this feels. 

Mack loves the salty breeze off the ocean, the sand between her toes, and the way the pace of island life is unapologetically slow.

But not even that can compete with how good it feels here in David’s arms on his front porch swing.

More Mack & David can be found here.

[nixxmcleod]

A week ago I turned 27 Such a daunting number for some reason, I don't think I've ever felt the immense amount of love I've felt this past week though. Saturday I went to go watch @onerepublic w. Bianca & Jeandré , will definitely share more of that AMAZING night! Sunday I had my birthday brunch with the WHOLE FAM! It was wholesome to say the least. I got tickets to @imaginedragons and @whoisjeandre got us tickets to @rksbandofficial , WHAAAT? Jeandré and I then went to go eat wings at our favourite restaurant at Texan wing bar, Monte Casino Monday I met @biancablanc to get a matching tattoo that I'm OBSESSED with. That night I had a lovely morrocon dinner with a close friend @emma Tuesday was MY ACTUAL BDAY and my bestie Annandi met me at the park with her doggos, drinking rosé 😍 after, Carli came to my house for a champagne lunch (without the lunch) and after that, my close friends joined me at my favourite restaurant Crawdaddy's, Brooklyn. Wednesday I had a huge birthday bash at @BarAcoustics & I had the privilege of having some of my FAVE local musos perform. @bradleybath , @harmonicflow & @thestingingrogers Thursday was Open Mic Night at Railways Cafe and I had another party with some of me and Jeandrés closest friends and chosen family. Friday I had the privilege to play a gig for the first time at Pashash, and for the first time as a 27 year old. It was a gorgeous night & my mom invited ALL their friends! My mom has been my biggest supporter and rock in this time, also spoiling me rotten with so many gifts and helping wherever she can. Thank you ♡ Saturday we had a little day braai with my longest and closest friends, all while we'reI appreciate and love you guys to bits. Sunday was the BIG DAY. My music school had it's year-end Showcase. The stress that went into this event is crazy. It's my 4'th year doing it and this year was the most successful! Thank you @c_motiv , @Rohan for sound & Jeandré for stage hand! My shoulders are lighter, my heart is full and I am tired to say the least lol! I recieved so many gifts too (I like that love language lol) amongst MANY were Songwriting books. Lol, I get the message 😉❤️ (at Pretoria, South Africa) https://www.instagram.com/p/Clio1DUt6dW/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[wheeier]

no taking back

summary: it was only fun and games. but steve had other plans.

warnings: modern au, tooth-rotting fluff i guess, little but of swearing

+ olivia rodrigo’s sour album (stream besties), the movie tangled at the end because it just radiates as a comfort movie

yes a modern au !!! i just saw this on tiktok (the sour part, but the rest was my idea!) and thought it was so cute so it gave me an idea to make it as a fic, enjoy !!!

steve harrington x fem!reader

olivia rodrigo’s new album just released and you were thrilled to listen to it and stream it the whole day.

when you finally got to listen to it, you asked your friends—robin, nancy, and the party, if they listened to it and which ones were their favorites.

robin told you that her top three were hope ur ok, jealousy, jealousy, and brutal.

nancy said she really loved favorite crime.

max said hers was also brutal.

el told you that she played good 4 u and traitor on repeat that hopper had to go into her room to turn it down.

when mike comes over to the cabin he can assure that el does indeed play them on repeat and get pissy about it (but he secretly loves the album, but he wouldn’t let her or anyone know that).

and lastly lucas and dustin are fans of deja vu and 1 step forward 3 steps back. max even told you that they would sing the bridge of deja vu on the top of their lungs.

you slightly laughed at the memory of them telling you about it.

however, there’s one more person that you haven’t talked to about it yet.

steve.

your smile faltered and faded when he came across in your mind.

your feelings for him had deepened over the time and listening to the sour album made it feel like you two had broken up, which in fact, is not true because you were never together in the first place.

suddenly, an idea popped in your head. instead of being sad about steve, you thought about texting him, although it’s almost 1AM, you knew he’d still be up.

Sailor Man

You: hey

You: u up?

Sailor Man: duh

Sailor Man: this has been our nightly routine u always bother me when i’m about to go to sleep

You: fuck off

You: don’t pretend that you’re not binge watching outer banks until 4am

Sailor Man: i’m not?!?

You: yeah right

You: anyways

You: can u do me a favor

Sailor Man: will i get free pizza afterwards

You: no

Sailor Man: k

You: what the fuck

You: fine

Sailor Man: hehe

Sailor Man: what’s the favor ;)

You: dont get me started with that winky face i swear ure so dead when i see you at the wheeler’s house tomorrow

You: have you listened to olivia rodrigo’s new album

Sailor Man: ohh the bitter album?

You: ITS SOUR DUMBASS

Sailor Man: I DONT KNOW?!?

You: I CANT DO THIS HJAGSK

Sailor Man: shut up

Sailor Man: i’ve heard some of the songs but i haven’t fully listened to them

Sailor Man: why

You: can you like

You: ask me to be ur girlfriend then break up with me right after so i can experience and actually feel the whole sour album

Sailor Man: what

You: just do it !!

Sailor Man: you’re so funny (y/n/n)

Sailor Man: okay

Sailor Man: will you be my girlfriend?

You: yes !!!

You: ...

You: hello

You: dont tell me u fell asleep

Sailor Man: i’m not doing the last part you might as well forget about it

You: wjat

Sailor Man: :D

You: wtf

You: okay steve cut it out i’m not doing this anymore u’re not funny

Sailor Man: nope

Sailor Man: go to sleep we’re dating now that’s how this works

Sailor Man: okay i dont know if you’re still reading this now and i am terrified to say this to you in person like TERRIFIED. might piss my pants if i did. so (y/n/n), my favorite dumbass, my favorite person to talk to at night even if it interrupts my binge watching marathon, you make me so happy to the point that even when i sleep you’re still in my dreams. i like you. i have like the biggest fattest crush on you. and thank you for doing that sour album thing or whatever, because of that i get to finally ask you out

you rolled on your back after you read the message, facing the ceiling as your mind processed what just happened. was he playing with you? was he actually serious about asking you out?

Incoming video call...

Sailor Man

you took a deep breath before tapping the green button and placing it back down on the bed.

“hey,” you can tell that he was tired based on his voice. “can you show your face, please? i miss you.”

ignoring the butterflies in your stomach, you hesitantly lifted the phone and shifted your position to lay on your side. “hey.”

“hey yourself.” steve grins. that stupid grin that makes your stomach turn, that grin you always want to see everyday.

“what’s..up?” you avoided looking at him and started to admire your surroundings and the posters placed on your wall. this was the only time you were glad you weren’t with him in person.

“i just wanted to see if you’re okay.” of course he will ask that. he's steve. he cares about other more than himself.

“i am, thanks.” you showed a smile that doesn't reach your ears and steve knew something was bothering you. “hey, look. i'm sorry about my confession- if it made you uncomfortable i'm sorry-”

“no,” you cut him off, looking back at his face on the screen. “i’m fine, really. you don't have to apologize. i was just, surprised.”

there was silence between the two of you for a few seconds, before you spoke again. “did you mean it?” you voice was only above whisper but steve managed to hear them. “of course,” he answered almost too quick, without any hesitation. “i've been trying to find the perfect opportunity and had been asking god for signs because i can't make a move myself-”

“asking god?” you chuckled and steve smiled hearing them, glad that he somehow lightened the mood. “well, more like begging.” he continues and you giggled.

once your laughter died you both fell into silence again. you still couldn’t believe that out of a fun joke, it would turn into a whole another situation. “so, um.. just so you know, i’m not mad, or upset, or anything. i really was just surprised. it felt like a dream because i didn’t know that you like me back and all i did was just supposed to be a fun joke but—”

“hold on, back?”

“what?”

“like you back. you said i like you back.” steve sat up on his bed and fixed his hair as his eyes widened. “i did...” you said slowly, not catching up.

“does that mean you..”

then it hit you. “oh, right. yeah. i- i like you..too.” you waited for his reaction and once you saw him smile you couldn’t stop yourself from doing the same.

“i knew it. and well, i guess that confirms it. we’re dating now. no taking back.” he smirks then laughs when your rolled your eyes. “don’t flatter yourself, harrington. i did not say shit.” you pointed your index finger on the screen, barely containing your giggles.

“based on your beautiful smile i think you don’t need to say it. i like you, and you like me. we’re dating.” steve gives you a teasing smile. you tried keeping your serious face but it won’t last longer so you finally smiled again. “alright, fine. no taking backs. we’re dating.” you said then laughed as he whisper-yelled ‘yes!’ while fist pumping the air.

he soon joined your laughter and you stayed like that until your jaw was pretty much in pain because of your smiles. when it was all quiet again, you both just admired each other’s presence through the screens of your phones. “i wish i was there with you.” he mumbles. “yeah, me too.” you hugged your cold pillow beside you, closing your eyes for a moment and imagining it as steve.

“are your parents home?”

you snorted at his random question. “i’m actually alone right now, they’re out because dad got promoted at his work so he and mom and i think a few friends went out to celebrate. they should be home by an hour or two. why?”

“nothing.” was all he said before hanging up. you were left confused but then he’s your best friend after all, so you knew right then and there that he’ll do something stupid. after you turned your phone off you suddenly felt watching a movie so you went to the kitchen to make some popcorn.

when it was finished and had been put in a bowl, that’s when you heard your doorbell rang—in a pattern which you recognize, and only one person does that.

you let out a quiet laugh when you realized who it was and set the bowl on the counter before opening the door.

“hi!” steve greeted you with a smile. “uh, hi?” you laughed nervously and stepped aside for him to go in. “i smell popcorn, are we having a movie night?” he says as he steps inside and shrugged off his jacket. “actually yeah, i’m planning on watching—”

“tangled.” he finishes off, you subconsciously smiled upon hearing your favorite movie. “how’d you know?”

steve snatches a few popcorns from the bowl as you both arrived in the kitchen. “(y/n), you have watched that movie 7 times this week and always gush to me about it.”

“well, you’re the only one that is around my age that i can talk to with that movie. robin and nancy aren’t that into it.” you replied, grabbing the bowl and making your way back to your bedroom, steve following your heels. “and you think i’m the best option to talk to about that?” he asks, plopping down on your bed and resting his back on the headboard.

“you’re not complaining.” you shrugged as you grabbed your laptop and sat beside steve.

“yeah, probably because i like you.” it came out of his mouth casually. you froze in place and felt your cheeks heat up, finally nodding your head slowly, “..probably.” as you typed in the movie in your laptop you felt steve scoot closer, making your breath hitch.

you were both in a comfortable silence while watching the movie, except for a few jokes and comments that steve makes and him explaining how similar he was to flynn rider.

“you know, since i’m eugene, you could be rapunzel.” he suddenly says. you eyes were still on the screen but your eyebrows furrowed. “why? i’m nothing like her.”

finally looking at steve, you almost screamed how he was already looking at you. “oh, you are so rapunzel. you may not have the longest hair in the world, but you are pretty much similar.” he replies, smiling and not taking his eyes off of you.

you paused the movie and shifted your body towards him, intrigued by his explaination. “how so?”

“well, first off,” steve starts, resting his hands on the soft mattress. “you’re both sweet, you’re both a huge ray of sunshine, have gorgeous eyes and smile, and eugene is head over heels over you — and since he doesn’t exist in real life, i’d like to be the substitute.” he finished with a confident smile.

after about three seconds, you burst out of laughter. you laughed. as much as he loves the sound of your laugh, he can’t help but pout. “(y/n), i’m trying to be sweet here!”

“i’m sorry!- it’s just- i can’t help but laugh at your flirting.” you managed to say between your laughs. you know he’s kidding but he looked at you like he was offended.

your laughter died down and held steve’s face. “it’s cute, sorry.” you mumble with a little laugh. when he finally smiled you turned to your laptop and continued the movie.

steve gazes at you for a few more seconds before watching the movie with you again. “thank you.” you whisper, glancing at him.

“you’re very much welcome, my rapunzel.” he says smiling before he slides a bit down on the bed so his head could reach your shoulder and rests it there.

you giggled as you heard him whisper,

“thank you, olivia rodrigo.”

[yeahthatwouldbedark]

Yen per second

tropes: death trope, friends to lovers (if you have won a golden medal in squinting really hard), rivals to lovers, bully romance bestie, college au, friends with benefits, Oikawa and reader have known each other since childhood.

trigger warnings (for the entire series): child abuse, domestic abuse, sexual abuse, bullying, depression, child neglect, terminal illness at some point, broken home, mental breakdowns, panic attacks, anxiety, death, injuries (Oikawa’s bad knee for example), substance abuse

If you don’t read the trigger warnings… I am under your bed. I haven’t edited this because I’m tired but I might some other day. 

Chapter 3

17.9k words

November the 2nd

The students of the Fine Arts are the embodiment of chaos. Never will you encounter one with a linear stream of thought. Their working environments are, more often than not, in utter disarray― uncorked tubes of paint leaking on the desk, brushes in desperate need of a rigorous cleansing session, sketches left unfinished, pointe shoes discarded near the bar installed on the wall, books piled on top of one another, and several bottles of the artist’s sleep-repelling drink of choice. To an eye accustomed to order, a sight like this is akin to calamity.

If by some miraculous struck of fate their creative space are pristine, their minds are anything but (which wasn’t inherently a bad thing). The speed at which their thoughts and perspectives leap from one corner to another is the driving force behind ideas. It does, however, inhibit their sense of time and space. The words slip through their teeth at times most people consider inopportune. This tends to slow down the engine. The ideas that could have been stepping stones towards the betterment of their skills… wane with the same velocity at which they came.

It is a cycle every artist is forced to endure.

This is what Chiharu tells herself, at least. But the logic she so often suppresses, the rational part of her that frantically struggles to aid her decision making, knows the truth to be entirely different. In this regard, she is more intelligent than Y/n. Chiharu is in tune with her needs and desires, knows that facts and logic cannot be denied despite her wishing they would evaporate. Y/n is, for lack of a more extensive elaboration, numb to her own moral values, her core longings.

For the longest time, each has served as the complementary cog in the machine for the other. But with stagnation there is no growth. Because even though one is aware, and the other is not, the one thing they have in common is their refusal for inner maturation. 

It has been weeks since that night, and Chiharu has yet to produce a piece that might earn her a decent grade. She lies amidst incomplete ideas that have been developed up until the point where her she no longer desires to concern herself with them. She entertains her rioting psyche much in a manner similar to how Y/n fulfills her instinctual need for knowledge; by hoarding sensations. The first loses herself in past experiences, the latter in the present.

Chiharu tries. She truly does try to haul herself out of this loop of constant stagnation disguised as progress. But with every attempt another piece is started only to be abandoned a day later. This causes her to waste paper, paint, and empty canvases that could have been used at a later date, when she is feeling refreshed.

“Why ADHD of all things!” She groans in frustration, kicking down a chair on her way out of the bedroom. “Of all the fucking things.”

She thanks the deity that made it possible for Ayame’s classes to be canceled (the professor had a bad case of food allergy) because now she has someone to wrap her arms around until they grow numb.

“Haru-chan!” Ayame sounds excited as she catches sight of Chiharu’s form, waving the hand that holds her phone, “Look what I-

But Chiharu doesn’t let her finish, which many would consider rude but neither she nor Ayame mind. She throws her arms around the other girl’s waist as she lies down on the couch, and buries her face in her belly (her silky nightgown provides some comfort). Ayame’s soft fingers come to rest on her shoulders.

“Haru-chan?” Ayame asks, now concerned, “Haru-chan are you sick?”

“Sick of being distracted and useless and lazy and-

Ayame jumps up at once, throwing Chiharu off the couch.

“That’s not true, Haru-chan!” She waves her arms frenetically, her phone falling on the carpeted floor with a thump, “You try so hard and you’re so talented! Everything you paint is so beautiful!”

Chiharu loves Ayame, and that’s putting it mildly. She adores the zest for life and skittish yet confident approach to adventures that encompasses her character. Ayame doesn’t believe the risk an action or situation bears until she’s been burdened with the consequences (she cries and snivels but recovers pretty fast), which has made for an interesting journey throughout their years of friendship.

Yet, as Chiharu stares up into her brown eyes with a mixture of bewilderment and wonder, she realizes the fundamental difference between adoration and admiration. It’s an unwelcome epiphany, because she is supposed to feel grateful towards the girl for the support she has shown for so long. Ayame isn’t deserving of the scrutiny she is being subjected to as a result of Chiharu’s insecurities. So what if ‘beautiful’ is the only adjective she uses to describe her work?

It takes effort to hold her tongue, to smile.  

“Thanks bubblegum!” Chiharu pulls her down on the couch, wraps her arms around her shoulder, “Now confess! What’s made you so hyper today?”

The concern is no more. Ayame’s eyes light up and she picks up her phone and shoves it in Chiharu’s face.

“Look, Haru-chan, look!” Her voice is sure to ignite the neighbors’ wrath but Chiharu has no qualms about fighting them so it’s alright. “I got 60% on the statistics and probability quiz! So many questions looked so easy but I thought I was going to fail again and now I’m so happy because I did better than before!”

Chiharu’s arms tighten around her. “It’s what you deserve for studying so hard!”

“I did the same thing Y/n-chan told us to do in high school and it worked!”

Of course it did, Chiharu thinks sullenly. After Ayame failed to enter the high school her mom had wanted her to get accepted into, the girl had been a waterfall of snot and tears, sobbing after every five minute break. She had been inconsolable. Chiharu hadn’t known how to approach her self-loathing. Y/n, on the other hand, had pulled out a pencil and paper and written down several questions with alternatives and development sections.

“What’s this for?” Chiharu had asked, holding up the questionnaire like a wet sock, “We’ve had enough tests to last us a lifetime, don’t you think?”

She’d rolled her eyes. “Just fill it in, will you?”

Ayame and Chiharu had done just that. Y/n had taken their answers back to her aunt’s home and the next day, at 6 AM (Chiharu would never forgive her for waking her up so early), she’d pulled up with strategies that they could work with. Needless to say, they had been successful throughout their high school career.

It may have been because of her absence, the unwillingness to interact, that had forced Y/n’s advice to some obscure corner of their mind. Ayame had rediscovered it, nurtured it and improved. Chiharu had needed this reminder.

She kisses Ayame on the cheek until the skin goes red and she runs to her bedroom to take a cold shower. It’s time she treated her art the way it deserved to be treated.

 Maki and Mattsun are in Tokyo so they invite Tooru out to eat at a place that makes exquisite katsudon, with the additional promise of buying him several milk bread buns. He laughs because it’s amusing how they remember his favorite food to the point where it is used to bribe him. It works like a charm, and he’s not complaining when he’s in desperate need for some company, a smidge of positive familiarity from the past.

He heads out clad in jeans and a thin charcoal sweater the inadequacy of which is only dulled by the grey coat that reaches his knees. In one of its pockets he conceals the one item that grants him a semblance of tranquility. Its metallic surface is cool to the touch so, despite the chilly weather and the wind that is adamant on stealing his scarf, he makes a crutch out of it. It’s where his hand remains for the remainder of the short trip downtown.

Seeing the two of them sitting at the table brings back memories. They’re sitting side by side the way they always have. Even though their appearance is slightly more put together, Tooru can tell it’s just for the occasion. It means that they’re less comfortable around him than they used to be. He’s known this for a while now. Or maybe he’s become more apprehensive of everything and everyone that stems from Miyagi.

Still, he embraces them because… well he’s missed them.

“Heard from Iwaizumi that you’ve been seeing your dad lately?” Maki says, lifting the glass of sake to his lips.

Tooru chokes, the liquor almost entering his nasal cavity. As he coughs and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, Mattsun places his palm before his lips.

“The way you said it,” His words carry suppressed amusement. “Makes it sound incestuous bro. But yeah,” He looks back at Tooru, “Things fine with your old man?”

In a few moments Tooru recovers.

“We’ve been having dinner together.” He admits, pouring himself sake instead of his friends (a rude gesture he can’t be bothered to take into account at the moment), “Mostly Saturdays. Twice a month.”

Mattsun’s eyes track the way Tooru’s fingers curl around the bottle instinctively before the latter even drains the glass. It’s a practiced movement, the mastery of it a result of nights spent alone. The two don’t comment on it, and Tooru carves his disposition in such a way that it looks overjoyed, that his addiction is no more than exaltation stemming from time spent among friends.  

“Shigeko doing alright?” Mattsun asks.

The mention of his half-sister is almost enough to weaken his resolve; his mask almost slips. Tooru pulls himself together before the men sat opposite him can catch a glimpse of the caricature residing behind the meticulously crafted veneer. He cannot bear to see the disappointed downturn of their mouths should he allow his charisma be squandered by the mere mention of someone whom he barely calls a sister. She’s not worth letting himself be perceived as anything but a compelling leader.

“She’s excellent. They’re all one happy family.” Is all Tooru says, downing the glass before pouring Maki and Mattsun some sake, “What about you two?”

“Meh,” Maki shrugs, “It’s fine. College is expensive so I’m just working for now. Helping around the house and stuff.”

It’s Mattsun who drains the glass and slams it down on the table, startling the other two.

“Better than fucking yourself raw in the ass with a shitload of coursework just so you can prove to your mom you can handle working in fast-paced environment.”

Chewing on his Takoyaki, Maki pours salt on his best friend’s wound, “Call me when you fail. I’m gonna need the entertainment.”

They laugh, joke around, order bottle after bottle until all they’re bottling up is the one topic they’re dancing around. It sways at the edge of their mouth like a man condemned to the gallows. In his drunken state, Tooru can almost hear the incessant buzz of flies over the carcass of the topic. No matter at which point in their lives they meet, the sound will forever haunt him. Because he’s the reason the topic exists in the first place. His conduct is the very cause things turned out the way they did.

So they keep dancing around this corpse. Sometimes the dance is classy, like a waltz. Other times, when they’re stumbling over their inebriated words, their attempts at redirecting the conversation resemble a crowded club; people jumping up and down almost in unison until the beat of tension gradually peters out.

It gets to a point where he can no longer be bothered to hide his addiction or the listlessness of his movements as he places his elbows on the table. But he hangs on, because he’s the goal-oriented leader whose focal duty is to strive for perfection. Oikawa refuses to sink lower in their regard.

When they part, he embraces them and wishes them a safe trip back to their hotel after they refuse to let him call them a cab. Then, inspired by those two, Tooru lets his feet lead him back home. Just like reaching for the bottle, letting himself be led by half-lucid intoxication is a practiced move.

He removes his coat, lets it fall soundlessly on the couch as he fishes out his phone. The message from his father almost has him catapulting it against the wall.

Old man: Dinner on Saturday at 6 PM.

Naturally, Tooru doesn’t bother replying. There’s no need to when they both know he’s attending. What he does mutters in the privacy of his living room, though, is an exasperated ‘who ends their texts with a period’. The words are almost slurred, lethargic as they leave his tongue. His movements are blurry as he tries to rest in a comfortable position on the couch while he stares at her profile picture. It’s blank. It didn’t use to be blank when they were in high school. There would be the occasional kitten or anime character. Sometimes flowers. It stopped changing when they were sixteen.

He remembers the night he asked himself why that was. His mother had gone out with some of her friends, Y/n’s mother included, so Tooru had grabbed the opportunity to bring Emiko over and fuck her until she’d run out of breath. After she’d left, he decided to scroll through his contacts on Whatsapp and found it odd that his weird neighbor’s picture had remained stagnant for over a year. The black and white kittens had been the sole resident of her account, staring right through Tooru’s pettiness.

Imagine a boy of seventeen sitting with his back to the wall, scowling at the sight of baby cats. To him that was all the affirmation he needed for the tightening displeasure in his chest. She was a weird, boring loser that refused to change. A week later, while high and drunk, he’d texted her for the first time.

Seeing emptiness where the picture should have been overwhelmed him. He knows that, if he doesn’t lose consciousness, he’ll start sobbing. In his refusal to give any ghosts or spirits from the past, present, and future a reason to deprecate him more than they already do, Tooru reaches for the flask concealed within the pocket of his coat with shaking fingers.

  November the 3rd

The comfort that the library is said to provide before 2 PM, is overrated. Of this, Y/n is now certain. Students come in with bags of chips to munch on while they’re busy trying to make something of the lectures they sat through. She’s one of them, of course. Why would she be any different? The cheapest bag of spicy chips from the store has time and time again proved to be a reliable source of sustenance.

Paired with fairly decent observatory skills, Y/n is well aware of how she appears; alone, belonging to no study group. She hears some of them talk. She hears most of them groan over their notes. In the end, it makes little difference in her life.

Initially, Y/n had intended to make use of this quiet space and the shelves brimming with books. Gradually, she’d started to fall asleep until the middle-aged lady at the desk asked her if she were alright, to which she always answered with a nod and a thank you. Lately, she’s been staying up here until the woman wraps the scarf around her neck and pats it three times (the cue that she’s calling it a night), and then gathers all the papers and files spread on the desk. It’s a routine she enjoys; not stifling or haphazardly structured.

Now, at 1:43 PM, Y/n is currently sorting through some of her meal plan when a presence makes itself redundantly obvious by pulling out a chair opposite her. Recognizing the perfume, she doesn’t need to remove her gaze from the list to check who it is.

After their professor had assigned a project in groups of two, she’d had the paramount discontent of being paired with him. Nevertheless, she’d set the hour and the date of their meeting and… he’s arrived earlier than expected.

Y/n puts the list aside for later, and adjusts the sleeves of her turtleneck. The action isn’t missed on Tooru who, with a swift to his right, is able to decipher the meaning of the upside-down letters. The thumping within his chest cavity obtains an unnerving quality; that of luring anxiety into the forefront of his consciousness.

“Any idea how to start this thing?” She asks him without preamble.

The smile is slow to settle on his face. Extracting his pen and notebook from his backpack, he answers her with newly-summoned easygoingness.

“How strange,” He says, and she frowns, “You were always first to introduce your designs to your project partners.”

She remembers. Of course she does. It was one of the most memorable occasions when Oikawa Tooru had embarrassed her in front of the class. To the professors his remarks consisted of light teasing. Y/n had thought they couldn’t possibly know he aimed to mock her. Now, more than a decade later, Y/n is very much aware of the utter disregard they had displayed towards the vitriol Oikawa Tooru had graciously provided.

She remembers because she’d been excited to share her idea with the rest of her group. She remembers because her hair had grown past her ears at that point, thick strands sticking out in ways that made them easy to yank on. It’s easy to remember because his words, unlike the many times before, had been soft-spoken.

“Stop talking,” He says, tugging on her hair, “You sound stupid and annoying.”

Everyone agreed. To this day, Y/n can’t understand if that was their original opinion of her or if they’d been spurred into mocking her by Oikawa. At the time, she was too embarrassed and… in physical pain from the stubborn wound on her head to retort.

At present, she observes as realization clears the haze of rushed speech and his eyes flit from her eyes to the window.

“That was in fourth grade.” She says simply and slips out a paper from within one of her notebooks, “I made a list. Of ideas, I mean. We can weave yours and mine together.”

He does the same, handing her a sheet of paper.

“Here,” His hands are warm to the touch, “Take a look at mine.”

She takes her time absorbing each item on the list.

“These are good.” She says, “Great even.”

It’s true. She’s impressed by how innovative his ideas have turned out to be. Near the end of the list, scribbled over and over again, she is presented with the sillies thought to have ever been brought to existence. A tad too eagerly for her liking, Y/n points at it.

“This is absolutely ridiculous. I want us to use it.”

Tooru’s thoughts are a whirlwind of logic that, like a child preparing for his first game, struggles to tie his shoes and present himself with coherent speech. It’s a peculiar process; the chaotic effort to clear a linear pathway for self-expression. So when his fingers tug on the sleeve of his coat and he at last unearths the desired albeit unrelated sentence to the subject currently in discussion, Tooru doesn’t hesitate to give it voice.

“My father and his family have invited me over for dinner this Saturday.”

She glances up from the paper, stoic. “Okay.”

“Come with me.”

“Why?”

The exchange is too quick. His goal seems impossible to achieve.

“For one, the cook is making Italian. Furthermore,” He emphasizes, grinning, “They have sour candies. A whole jar of them. It’s a big jar. And I mean-“

“Oikawa.” Her interruption is swift, her irises making precise lacerations across his expression, “Why are you so desperate to pretend we are friends?”

He swallows whatever word and spit has settled inside his mouth. It’s shameful, Tooru thinks, how her words aerosolize his resolve to sustain the conversation. She doesn’t stop. She has all the right to keep going.

“I haven’t told anyone about what you said to me that night so you,” She pauses and continues once her eyes are fixed on the list, “Don’t have to try to befriend me.”

This is all wrong. Tooru wants to kick himself for allowing the conversation to take this blasted turn. He’d intended to convince her to come. He’d wanted to speak with her more, not haul the end of their meeting significantly nearer.

He tilts his head sideways, trying to observe her jaw from a different angle.

“Kenma loved the gift.” Tooru tells her, and he catches the instant she resists the impulse to raise her head, “He seemed to deduce it was from you.”

The party is on full-swing much to the introverted Kenma’s dismay. At present, the boy sits on the couch, cornered by the rowdy presence of company as bodies collide and sway to the beat of the music Kuroo and Ayame blast through the speakers. One should think this party had been arranged for their entertainment. Kenma is merely the face of the evening.

Even so, the boy doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, he relishes it. This is what Tooru concludes as the boy’s eyes widen and his fingers accelerate on the screen of his Nintendo. It’s the only form of entertainment Tooru becomes genuinely invested in until the partygoers take their leave.

Kenma sits through the ordeal of opening the gifts. Kuroo and Ayame have gifted him a new and improved pair of headphones. Chiharu’s present to him is an Armani brown sling bag.

“I got it 40% off, my dude.” She announces, putting up gang signs.

Suna, who surprisingly is not high out of his mind, tries to muffle his snort. Chiharu slaps the back of his head in indignation.

“What’s so funny?!” She exclaims, “Huh, fish-dick?!”

The man doesn’t look insulted in the least. “It doesn’t make you look good confessing you got it on a discount, dumbass.”

“Honesty is the superior policy, ain’t it?”

“When you’re about to strike a one night stand bargain?” He shields the back of his head as Chiharu makes to strike once more, this time using the remote. “Yeah, maybe.”

For some absurd reason, his cousin chucks the remote at him. He dodges it by a thin margin.

“Repulsive.” Chiharu’s lips press violently on the “p”. “Shame upon your kind and your cow!”

The gifts remaining are Suna’s, Tooru’s, and an odd, minute package the popularity of which is overshadowed by the bigger boxes and their pretty wrappings. The former’s is a set of old video games that are now bloody difficult to find.

“Had to pull some strings.” Suna confesses proudly, smirks when he catches sight of Chiharu’s venomous glare. “My grandma’s boyfriend is a huge geek.”

Kenma looks up shortly, eyes narrowed. “Thanks, Suna.”

At this turn of events, Chiharu chortles unabashedly as Suna rolls his eyes in a fashion similar to Y/n’s. Be it similarity or learned behavior, it stuns Tooru in such a way that his lungs feel like smoke and his breaths like the ashes of a textbook set ablaze at the finish line of high school. Does she know the impact she’s had on Suna, he ruminates, the way her friend’s mannerisms mirror hers? He shoves his hands in the pockets of his coat and tries not to stare at the boy (the curve of his jaw and the shape of his eyes prove to be formidable opponents). He likes to think he’s succeeding.

Tooru’s gift is, of course, a Rolex. He has the money to spare and Kenma can either keep it or sell it for a decent price and invest the profit on his fledgling company. At last, the small present gets its turn. It belongs to Kenma now, obviously, but it hasn’t come from any of those present.

The moment his eyes land on the object, Tooru glimpses the dawn of realization in the boy’s eyes.

“What is that?”Kuroo asks, arms around Ayame’s waist. “A trinket?”

Kenma’s index hovers over one of the star’s vertices.

“Yeah,” His voice is a admixture of hope and melancholy, “A trinket.”

That does it. She straightens and a section of her fringe strays from behind her ear to obscure her vision. It is at this moment that Tooru realizes it is shorter, that the length suits her. He feels the urge to trap the wisps between his index and thumb, curl the strands around his finger until the ends conform to the shape of him. It’s a tender thought, one he wishes to nurture.

“Thank you for buying it.” Is what she says to him, “I’ll give the money back. With interest if you want.”

This is the opening I needed, Tooru thinks with an excitement that borders on euphoria. Leaning forward, elbows on the table, he smiles.

“Just accompany me to dinner. It’ll save us both some money.”

The moment, she regards him with a contemplative look, is the most happiness-inducing instance ever since his alarm clock blared throughout his bedroom this morning. It equals reluctance, consideration. It’s all he’s given, so he’ll take this little so that tomorrow his fortune is a little greater.

“I’ll give the money back.” She insists. “Bit by bit.”

Tooru digs deep, rummages every nook and cranny within his character to discover the forbearance that, as of late, comes most unnaturally to him. Bit by bit, unclenching the fists he has absentmindedly gathered into nervous fists, he finds it nestled between melancholia and longing.

Momentarily, he bridles at the breakthrough. He wishes he were a victim of the same weakness of character as before, a boy of bewitching countenance and a soul of meanness, because then he would blame it on time. He could blame it on the number of seconds that had passed since the day she left. He could lie down with a bottle of elusive liquor in hand and think ‘not enough time has passed’ and ‘there are billions of seconds for me to use’.

But no matter. He has found this wretched, beautiful aspect of himself. So Tooru smiles, and deserts the subject.

  November the 6th

She’d hate her job if doing so didn’t require a tremendous amount of energy. Energy that she cannot spare for anything unrelated to work or academic achievement. It’s a cliché trope, but one she adopted at an early age and now can’t do without. So, like a machine the cogs of which are plagued by rust, she goes by her day, fulfilling her duties.

At seven, when her shift comes to an end, Y/n bids her coworkers goodnight and out the back door she goes. It’s chilly and, much like the night Oikawa Tooru accompanied her back home, the wind sends her scarf flying up then sinking down into puddle. Before the water reflected a sky stained by clouds. Now there is a piece of cloth completely soaked. She picks it up, squeezes it “dry”, and for the first time in a while takes the bus home.

When she gets there, Chiharu and Ayame are in the latter’s bedroom, squealing in delight. It’s a nice sound, Y/n thinks, but also melancholy-inducing. She wants to be part of it, the vulnerability of their joy and sorrow. But wishes aren’t enough to make her brave. So, she extracts something from the fridge, anything to quell her hunger, and unlocks the bedroom door.

Please don’t knock on my door, she pulls the maroon turtleneck over her head, I don’t want to talk or be with you two.

Still, she sits at her desk and waits for the knock. She waits. But it doesn’t come. Relief and disappointment; the first directed outwards, the second inwards.

She checks to see if she has received any texts from her classmates (they always ask for advice or just straight up copy her work, thinking she will give in). To make a long story short, they have messaged her about the biochemistry assignment and she does reply, but that isn’t what flattens her lungs.

Aunt: hey baby I hope you’re alright and that your studies are going great (4:43 PM)

Aunt: I just wanted to tell you that Isaac is asking about you (4:43 PM)

Aunt: again (4:43 PM)

Aunt: but I can’t tell him anything when I don’t know your whereabouts myself  (4:45 PM)

The texts that follow make her shrivel.

Aunt: I know I can’t make you tell me and that I should probably be grateful you text back but I’m worried about you (5:02 PM)

Aunt: Isaac isn’t the only one who wants to know :(  (5:03 PM)

Something snaps in Y/n, an emotion so raw, so genuine that she can’t identify it because she’s never spared time for reflection. But she feels it pouring through the screen and into the text she sends in response.

Y/n: don’t tell him anything (7:48 PM)

Y/n: I don’t want anyone to know (7:48 PM)

And suddenly, as if blown away by a canon ball, she feels miles of distance interpose themselves between her and the person who housed her in time of need. It hurts a little now. But soon it will be but a dull throb, the intensity of which will decompose. She believes it will deteriorate, that it will not fester until she blows up like a damn whale. It's a disgusting analogy, but an accurate one.

She turns off her phone and settles for working on her laptop. Though lighting is almost blinding, she proceeds to watch the cringe tik tok compilation videos on You Tube while trying to eat the cold risotto. Key word trying. Swallowing takes effort, and her head is pounding the way characters bang their fists against doors, screeching for help.

Y/n doesn’t know where the jolt of fear comes from, whether it’s the mention of Isaac or her response or her confusion at her aunt’s words about wanting to know her location, but she thinks about going on a run. She thinks about how easy, how undisturbed she would feel if she were to have an apartment all to herself. She thinks how much less awkward that would make things in this house, if she were to move out I mean. Nobody would have to walk on eggshells, dance around subject and make insufferable small talk to cover up for the fact that things are not as they once were.

So, Y/n picks up her black pen, and begins to devise a plan.

  “Have you been in contact with your sister?”

His step-mother’s words cause a rift between his thoughts and Tooru himself. When he accepted his father’s invitation to dinner, he had considered a high degree of tension and obdurate silence that was nothing short of marvelous because he didn’t wish to speak with or to any of them. What he hadn’t taken into account, however, was this question.

But Oikawa Tooru is a man in possession of leadership qualities, and improvising happens to be one of them.

“Yes,” He answers, twirling spaghetti Bolognese with his fork, “She’s doing well.”

“It would be proper if she were to communicate this to us herself.” His father speaks, and at first his tone is collected. Then, upon meeting Tooru’s indifferent gaze, it turns caustic, “Not inviting her own father to her wedding. Refusing to let me see my nephew. Ungrateful child.”

“Darling, do calm yourself.” His step-mother places her left hand on his father’s forearm, “You mustn’t get angry, remember?” She turns to look at Tooru with eyes that he knows carry genuine remorse but cannot bring himself to sympathize with, “I am sorry for mentioning Sayako-chan. That was imprudent of me.”

Tooru sighs. That seems to be all he’s capable of whenever he comes over and the topic of his older sister Sayako is brought up.

“That was years ago.” He hopes his words are enough to dissuade his father. “She will decide when to contact you, father.”

If his own words were not enough to make him cringe, his father assesses him with a sneer so similar to Tooru’s it’s almost like he’s staring into a reflection of his disdain for the world. In order to avoid facing his father’s judgement, he brings the fork to his lips and chews as slows as humanly possible. He even considers praying to be reincarnated as a cow in his next life just so he could spend most of his time masticating and regurgitating grass.

“Choose your side carefully, son.” His father’s words are a warning, delivered with the tone Tooru has heard the man address his subordinates, “It would not do to regret your position later.”

Ire swells in Tooru’s chest, and his eyes, pathetically, burn with it.

“You chose your side carefully too, father.” He refuses to set down the fork, his one tether to composure, or so much as glance his father’s way for that matter, “Do the results of your choice dissatisfy you?”

His father never yells, Tooru knows this much about the man that contributed to his existence. What he does is hold one’s gaze, sneer until one’s self-worth is determined by how severe his verdict is. The method is effective, that much is certain.

“You should pay a visit to the headquarters some time.” His step-mother intervenes, anxious to put an end to the familial dispute, “It would help you become familiar with the environment as well as acquire hands-on experience.”

The conversation is relegated to silence.

“Tooru-nii! Tooru-nii!” He hears a juvenile voice call out to him just as he’s about to start his car, “Wait for me!”

Of course, his younger sister would come scurrying after him like a desperate little lamb, vying for his attention. It dawns on Tooru then, that is awareness of her existence had been reduced to zero for the entirety of the evening. The window rolls down enough for them to see each other clearly.

“What do you want?” He asks after moments pass with her just fidgeting in place.

“Can I see the baby?” She blurts out, hands clenched into fists, “I really want to see the baby, Tooru-nii! And Takeru-chan and Sayako-nee! Mom says she’ll take me to see them but I can’t wait.”

Your mommy is lying to you, kiddo.

Tooru does try to weigh his options carefully. Just because he doesn’t want to be near the 8-year-old doesn’t mean that he’s going to go out of his way to hurt her. A year ago, he would have… he used to. He used to say mean things. She would be ecstatic to show him a drawing and he would undermine her effort. He knew it would hurt her.

“I don’t have any pictures of them.” He lies, “Ask your mother if she can find any.”

The anticipation in her brown eyes is replaced by disillusionment. Before he can think to comfort her, Tooru’s hands are turning the key.

“Okay…” He hears her mutter dejectedly, “Bye Tooru-nii!”

Then he’s speeding down the driveway of his father’s estate. A feeling of déjà vu claims him like sleeping gas; he has behaved like this before.

   November the 10th

Rin’s grandmother, Kobayashi Tadame, had been a prostitute in her youth and she was quite adamant in announcing it to all those that crinkled their noses at the mention of sex work. She and her only daughter, Yasuko, had never quite gotten along (they transformed each Christmas dinner into a cataclysm of sashimi whirlwind) because of this fact. Yasuko, much like the preponderant portion of society, had always regarded sex work as an ill-reputed monstrosity. An abomination.

She lived her life scorning her mother for birthing her at the age of 20 without bothering to remember her father’s name, drinking to the extent that Rin’s face became one of the many blurred furniture in the living room, crying herself to sleep each night with his late father’s name on her lips.

She died much the same way― barring her mother from visiting her as she languished in her deathbed from cirrhosis. The only difference was the clarity in her eyes as she beheld Rin’s form reclining on a chair. Yasuko had seen him then, in a way she used to when his father had still been alive.

“You…” Her voice had been as tenuous as a sigh, “Don’t you… don’t you go smoking and drinking.”

A week later, upon returning from school, he’d found his grandmother in the reception desk. He’d known immediately. So he’d taken one last look at his mother in the morgue and followed his grandmother home.

She asked for the key and he gave it to her. When she started washing the dishes and tossing the bottles into the black bags, he hadn’t stopped her. He had been struck by the sudden curiosity to see what the house could look like when all the alcohol-dulled stain of grief had been somewhat removed. The answer? Simply cleaner.

They packed his luggage. He changed middle school and went on to live with his grandmother. He cried a lot back then. And his grandmother always baked cakes for him. She cooked like her minds and muscles could only find rest in exhaustion.

“You need to eat well, Rin-Rin,” She told him every time he offered to help, beating the eggs in the bowl with newfound tenacity, “Grandmother will fill up your belly with good food. You’ll see! Grandmother will become better at this! A chef!”

So he sat, ate the food she prepared, watched cartoons on TV, did his homework, and then went out to play in the dirt amidst the bushes. At the age of 7, Rin had never imagined that the day might come when he might consider another memory far more entertaining than his empire of mud castles.

Kuroo and Rin’s endeavor in the wintry temperatures of December comes to an abrupt halt as Chiharu burst out the door with Y/n trailing behind with dazed smile, likely from the nap she’s awoken from. Kuroo loses the bet as his dick starts to freeze off and shoves it in his crimson briefs. Rin, who is more concerned with collecting the cash, makes no such haste. His dick is too hot to freeze after all.

“Hope you got 3000 yen on you,” He taunts a groaning Kuroo with a quivering smirk. The sore loser wipes his hands on Rin’s midnight blue hoodie, who recoils in revulsion. “Not the dick hands come on now bro!”

Chiharu, who has come out with Y/n so the cold might shock her brain back to alertness, looks on confused at first. Then, seeing Rin’s piss shooting out of the tip she starts chortling in that ear-scarring way only she can manufacture.

“Can’t wait for your dick to get a sore throat.”

Rin shrugs. “Don’t care as long as it coughs up cum.”

Chiharu makes a gagging sound.

“Fuck off, now I want to bleach my memory, you ass!” She faces Kuroo, who flinches from the glare, and curls her index, “Come inside. Ayame says she needs them cuddles and I am sick of not being her first choice when I clearly give the superior fucking cuddles.”

“Always the second choice.” Kuroo taunts her, almost skipping up the stairs that lead to the porch, “Would you like to be Heather?”

Chiharu points an accusatory finger at him. “So you do listen to Conan Grey!”

“Like Y/n I enjoy a variety of nonsensical shit,” Kuroo grins, “For the purpose of being cultured. Not that you would know anything about that.”

Through shouts that are certain to invoke the wrath of the neighbors, the two of them head back inside. Rin expects Y/n to follow them. He looks ahead and keeps his dick out for a moment longer, all to conscious of her gaze at his lower back (as if she’s trying to pilfer a glimpse of his penis). Staring out into the dimly-lit street, he thinks the lampposts are too distant in a repulsively dull way. They’re just there and, irrationally, he wants them to move (an effect of having gotten high before being challenged by Kuroo). He finds himself wishing she would at least speak. It is uncharacteristic of him to find such perturbing discomfort in silence.

She stands beside him, looking down where his dick hangs out between his legs, half-limp. Instead of shoving the damn thing in his boxers like a normal person would, he looks down at it and then back at her. It’s a staring contest, and Rin doesn’t intend to lose (they have this in common).  

“Does it hurt to hold your pee?”

She poses the question with such genuine inquisitiveness that he feels like he could shoot another load of piss while laughing. What holds him back? The hyper vigilance that springs into his head. He’s all too aware of Y/n’s proximity, the plumes of her breath in the cold, and her persistent gaze on his face as she awaits his answer.  

He shrugs, as though this is the only thing he can perform expertly. “Doesn’t it hurt for everyone?”

Unsurprisingly, she ponders this for a few seconds.

“I suppose.” She nods, shrugging. “Does it get hard when you have to pee?”

This is the moment when he feels like he could drag her with him to parties and random getaways and spontaneous road trips. Because even though they haven’t known each other for long, he finds her entertaining and exciting enough not to shut the door in her face. It’s no wonder his dick twitches while his brain shuts down.

He doesn’t lose the staring contest because after a few desolate moments she averts her eyes and says, “Oh, okay.”

Rin wants to reach out with his dick hands and tell her it’s alright, that making these questions isn’t weird. He hopes the lazy smile is enough to send the message. It is.

If his cock was half limp back then, right now there is not a single aspect of it that can be attributed the value of 50/50. His bare chest rises and falls in minute intervals, his breathing growing feebler and labored as the faint calluses of his palms rub furiously against the veins of his dick. His gaze is on the ceiling but all he sees in his mind’s eye is the memory of her presence, her scent, the way it felt to place his hand on her thigh. She’d let him do that without any weirded-out looks or hushed reprimands.

He should have suggested they sneak out while the others are busy grossing each other out. Maybe she’d have accepted, and followed him home, into his bedroom as he picked her up and slammed her on the bed. A gut feeling tells Rin that the two of them would be highly compatible in it. That the sweetest of sounds along with animalistic cries would surge from her chest while he busied himself with marking it.

Who knows? She might have accepted his proposal. Maybe she’d be sucking his cock right now instead of his fist pumping it like he’s trying to milk his grandma’s goat.

Jesus fucking Christ, Rin thinks as his roommate, Atsumu, turns the doorknob and asks where the strawberry candies are, can’t a man beat his meat in peace?

He does finish jerking off, spilling his load into his abdomen. Then he takes a shower to wash of the residue and, for what must be the thousandth time in the past 2 weeks, he checks if Y/n has deigned to respond.

“Is she even alive?” He mutters somewhat bitterly and tosses the phone on the bed. “Would Chiharu even say shit if she were dead?”

He knows it isn’t fair to assume the worst of his friend, especially when she’s dead-set on getting Y/n to open up and allow herself to connect with others, but considering Rin often finds himself in a similar position with his grandma trying to get him to do the same thing and feeling frustrated when she fails once again, he can’t help but be bitter. If Chiharu hadn’t cornered Y/n that night, the latter wouldn’t have walked out… perhaps for good this time. If it weren’t for Chiharu’s pushy desire to force her out of her shell, Y/n wouldn’t have built higher, significantly thicker walls of steel. If Chiharu hadn’t resorted to belittling her, Y/n wouldn’t have fucking left and Rin wouldn’t have to sit here wondering whether they were strangers or friends still.

Certainly, he could show up at her college after her classes but he’s unsure if she’d appreciate being approached after all that’s happened. Over the past few weeks, he’s thought about asking Oikawa concerning her wellbeing and general disposition in class, but the looks he’s been getting from the man lately are enough to let Rin know that the men is less than appreciative of his not-so-subtle attempts at flirting with Y/n.

He pulls himself together and calls Chiharu, attempting to patch up the wounds in their friendship before they fester. He’s honest with himself. A text isn’t going to fix things but it might be the first step to just solving this shit once and for all.

In the meantime, interred in the catastrophe of her passion, Chiharu is none the wiser to the message. She has turned her phone off in order to better concentrate. The effects are gradual. At first, her fingers bend and reach for the device, only for her thoughts to wander. It’s easy to lose focus when your brain demands its absence. Eventually, she steels her resolve to tuck the phone under the behemoth of a pillow that Ayame gifted her last Christmas. From then on the air is thick with tension born of the battle of wills between Chiharu and the unfinished canvas.

“Stupid fool!” She screams and picks up the brush. “You can’t even color yourself!”

The brush runs across paper like a professional athlete. At times it stumbles and stutters, the pain creating flowery blotches up the painting. Japanese painting is Chiharu’s weakest link in her repertoire. Her personality, being naturally spontaneous and rowdy, clashes with the evenness and selective chaos of the genre. This assignment is meant to push her boundaries, shatter them until she becomes the puppet master of her art, until the moment art recognizes her as its equal. A force to be reckoned with.

Smiling, she yells, “Pathetic! You think you can win?!”

Her professor doesn’t hate her, Chiharu understands this now. He’s forcing her restraints into oblivion by having her paint chaos in its most collected shape. She stands before her painting, her breaths coming out faster than air can enter her lungs. The calluses of her palms prevent her flesh from bleeding but it still stings. She clenches her fingers around the brush. The sound of paint drops hitting the floor is but a dull echo of what might have concerned her on a bad day.

Six hours later, she’s closer to finishing the painting than she’s ever been. In her joy to celebrate, she almost forgets to wash her hands. By now, it is instinctual for her to grab her phone after assignments are a thing of the past or… getting there. She doesn’t, however, anticipate Rin’s text to be the first thing to pop up on her notifications.

No matter how they joke in the presence of others, their private conversations are strained to say the least. If one were to ask her to compare them to some random thing, it would be a sore muscle; painful to the touch, tender in the worst way there is, and frustratingly inflexible.

Sore dick 1: yo

Sore dick 1: can you ask Ayame what Kuroo wants for his birthday

Sore dick 1: or what she thinks he might

Chiharu knows what their friend might want because she asked Ayame just the day before about it. Half way through the conversation they began to reminisce about the time in second year when the four of them (Kuroo, Ayame, Kenma, and Chiharu) were taking a stroll and had chanced upon the cutest black cat bathing in the sunset by the side of the road. Ayame remembered how the two of them had flirted with said cat, and the little rascal had jumped into Kenma’s arms instead. At the time, two of them were most dismayed by the turn of events but not for long. They still wouldn’t speak to poor Kenma though. The betrayal was insurmountable.

Still high from the sense of achievement, Chiharu replies and tries not to care that her friend didn’t inquire about her wellbeing.

More than 6 hours later the notification alert hauls Rin out of the slumber that he progressively fell prey to.

Languid as ever, he picks it up from the nightstand and lets his gaze swipe across the rows of text.

Spiky: Ayame said anything’s fine

Spiky: but a pair of oxford shoes would be great

Spiky: *nauseated face emoji*

He knows she’s trying to thin out the threads of rigidity between them. He knows he ought to respond with something that reaches further than a ‘thanks’ can. Rin knows all this, but the resentment runs deeper than he had initially believed. Entangled with his questionable moral compass, it is an admixture he knows he would do much better without. But it doesn’t stop him from ending the conversation right there. 

  November the 14th

As their recently-adapted custom would have it, Y/n and Tooru meet at the same table every day after class. Sometimes they walk together enveloped in silence. Or rather, he follows her around (the vending machine in the first floor, the professor’s office, the bench where she sits and has her lunch) until they reach their destination. To say that him following her around discomfits her, would be a severe understatement and he knows it. He knows it by the way she lets other people come between them in the corridor, in hopes that some distance will secure her a way out. He knows it by the way she hurries to conceal the scar on her forehead with her fringe as the breeze carries away the crumbs of her slightly burnt toast. He knows it because she’s wearing the same green scarf and averting her eyes whenever she sees his eyes land on it.

“Are you sure this is going to work?” Tooru asks her once they’re seated at the table. He removes his coat and looks ahead once more only to be met with eyes glazed with puzzlement. “I’m asking whether you’re sure you want to keep working on this assignment using that specific idea.”

While he’s sitting in his olive-green turtleneck sweater, Y/n’s hands withdraw within the sleeves. Tooru raises a brow.

“I’m sure.” She answers, “Exploring the difference between justification and experimentation of misconduct stemming from psychiatric disorders is a good start. We’ll have to visit some patients though.”

Tooru perks up. “My father owns several research facilities. I could ask him to arrange something for us.”

She shivers a little before posing her question.

“Won’t it bother him?”

“Bother?” His voice sounds incredulous, sarcastic (it is). “He’ll be positively ecstatic. Don’t you worry about such things.”

Her satisfied nod is enough to lift the shroud of his foul mood. The effect of this simple gesture is no different from that of the yellow alien figure he so used to cherish before he put it away. Unlike back then, he clings to the simplicity of this precious thing. His desperation is laughable, so disgustingly pitiable. It is nothing like what a leader is supposed to be.

But as they work and exchange ideas, movies and anime they could watch in order to juxtapose different characters and dissect their psychiatric disorders. She suggests Death Note and Devilman Crybaby and he agrees to give it a try. She jots down the title of the movie he recommends; Neon Genesis Evangelion.

For a minute there, Tooru thinks he can join her orbit. Everything has been going smoothly after all. His connections have managed to open a window of opportunity for them both and now he has acquired a glimpse into what she enjoys watching in her free time. He used to think excitement is a spark but at the moment it resembles more a rushing current; crashing against the shore, steering his thoughts in places he no longer dreams of reaching.

Of course it ends as soon as it starts. It ends because the shiver that rolls through her body alerts him into truly observing her state.

At first glance, her face looks a bit sickly pale. Upon deliberate inspection however, you notice the lilac tint surrounding her eyes, a color that makes the rest of her face look yellowish and malnourished. Her fingers curl around the binder she’s been carrying around since morning, and he feels like serving a ball directly into his own face for not noticing earlier.

“Did you sleep well last night?”

“I didn’t.” Comes her immediate response. She lifts her gaze to his face and Tooru sees the red-pigmentation of her sclera. “I haven’t slept I mean.”

His eyes widen. He almost asks when the last time she had a wink of sleep was but stops himself.

“Do you want to go somewhere warmer?” He asks instead.

As if on cue, another shiver rattles her limbs. Still, she regards him with that passive, all-at-sea stare.

“We could go to my house.” He leans forward on his elbows and delivers a smile that she receives with slightly narrowing eyes, “There’s a pack of chips the housekeeper bought recently, and it’s massive. We can share and watch movies too.”

His proposition is met with utter silence on her part. Tooru himself does not know what it is he was expecting. All he knows is that now he feels like a hopeless fucker, desperate for some form of acknowledgment. Somewhere within, though, he knew this silence was the best he could hope for. It was, perhaps, a kinder reaction than he deserved.

“Or we could just go to a café.” He amends, spurning the notion of surrender. “I can take us there.”

It’s the wrong thing to say.

Y/n wants to disappear. This time it’s not because of anything that Oikawa has done or said in her presence. It’s not her mom’s fault, because it never is mom’s fault. It’s Y/n’s fault for taking off her grey zip up hoodie upon entering Oikawa’s apartment, for not covering up the bruises that litter her arms. So, even though her mom and dad and brother aren’t here, she wants to disappear the moment Yuiko-san points them out.

It’s not because she understands that what Vanessa did to her, just for failing to answer her calls immediately, is cruel but because the shame that surges from the subconscious and into the surface is so inexplicable that it makes her feel like the stupidest person that ever lived. She needs to know things. Knowing things is what she does best. Not knowing… anything, is not a viable option. It isn’t supposed to be. And yet it stares her in the face, sneering.

“I’m not very aware of my surroundings.” Y/n answers, slowly enough not to come off as too eager to slink off this situation. She slides her arms into the sleeves of the hoodie. “So I trip often. It’s like I have two left feet.”

The last part is said with an awkward laugh that fails to elicit a similar reaction out of Yuiko who, in a gesture too subtle too be considered any more unnatural than blinking, rests her hand on top of her clenched fist (an involuntary reaction to feeling cornered).

“I know you’re unaware of your surroundings.” Yuiko speaks in such a soft voice that Y/n briefly thinks that curses from her mouth would sound like counseling sessions. “But you should be aware of yourself, sweetie. Promise me you’ll try?”

Y/n looks down at Yuiko’s hand caressing her knuckles and nods even though she doesn’t fully understand.

“But enough of this!” The woman practically leaps off the couch, startling Enid, “We have a birthday to celebrate!”

Y/n frowns. “Birthday? But Tooru-san’s birthday was months ago.”

Yuiko’s face falls, and Y/n wants to slice off her own tongue for speaking. It’s similar to the look her mom wears whenever Y/n does something that incites her displeasure. Will Yuiko-san pinch her until Y/n’s teeth are ground to dust? Will she scratch her, slap her maybe? Will there be rings involved?

The woman’s smile reappears and, as she walks towards the kitchen, Y/n’s lungs cry with relief.

“I asked Tooru a month ago and he said your birthday is today.” The sentence is tentative, as though the maker were approaching a skittish animal. “Was he wrong?”

And then Y/n remembers the date. Yeah, she muses, I suppose it’s that time of the year. Because birthday’s have long since stopped mattering. She counts her age by academic years, not those she’s been alive. As Yuiko carries the cake to the dinner table and motions for the pensive teenager to join her, Y/n wonders why it used to matter for the first six years of her life. She wonders why it matters to Yuiko.

“I’m sorry, sweetie.” The woman lights each of the seventeen candles, smiling all the while, “That it’s just the two of us.”

Y/n is too mystified by the whole ordeal to produce something less incriminating than the following statement.

“Isaac wanted to visit that new sea-food place.” She shrugs, “So there’s no helping it.”

Yuiko has to take several deep breaths so as not to go in a fit of rage. Y/n doesn’t see this, but I do.

“Tooru should be here any minute now.” She announces and takes the seat at the head of the table, with Y/n right by her side. She misses the way Y/n’s eyes widen. “I told him to be here at 5. It’s 7! The rascal won’t listen to me anymore. Perhaps I’ve been too lenient-

“Yuiko-san,” Y/n picks up the knife and cuts into the cake, smiling her practiced smile, “Thank you. Let’s eat.”

That night, Y/n is content and empty, both heavy and light as a feather, and as she stares at the ceiling she questions how this could be. He didn’t show up, of course. Usually, he heeds his mother’s advice and requests, but when it comes to her he does everything in his power to steer his behavior in the opposite direction.

It weighs on him, just a little at first. Then, with the consumption of booze, it flees with the evening breeze. She doesn’t know this.

What she does know is that on August the 6th, after Yuiko forced him to attend the Tanabata festival, she made her first ink-written wish ever. Iwa-chan, Mattsun, Maki, and Emiko had done the same. When everyone else had left, Oikawa told her there was an ice cream place nearby.

“Do you want me to take you there,” He began, staring ahead with his arms crossed, “Or will you get one for both of us?”

Having nothing else to do, nothing waiting back home, Y/n rose from the bench and said, “Sure. What flavor?”

She got him the banana and bubblegum flavor he wanted and the caramel and pistachio for herself. She should have known he wouldn’t be there once she got back. She should have just pretended not to know where the ice cream place was located. Instead, she sat and began to lick her ice cream absentmindedly.

His ice cream melted. Y/n didn’t mean to let it. Maybe she hoped he would show up eventually. Maybe it was because she hated taking things from others in fear of them asking for more than she could give in return. Either way, she remained alone and with hands so sticky she wanted to cut them off instead of simply washing them.

“I will walk slowly next time,” She said, finally tossing the sticky mess of a cone into the nearest bin, “Sweating makes my eyes burn.”  

Right now, she thinks it is for the best that she didn’t pretend that night. It would have made her appear needy, a feeble creature he might have spat on and hurled invectives at. And she doesn’t need him in the least, or the things he represents in her life. She needs neither the anguish nor the joy. Ironically, as the rain knocks against the glass and the covers provide shelter for her bruised arms, Y/n is blissfully numb.

Then why does her chest feel like it carries lungs of stone? Why did blowing those candles leave her feeling so utterly deserted, more so than when she had her meals by herself?

“I’m not going to do anything.”

His voice is the whip of clarity yet it stuns her. Tooru wishes she would look at him, see that he truly means no harm. That his intentions conceal no unkind motives. That whatever memory his words have triggered, will not take shape in the present.  

His hands reach for hers and she pulls back. She tucks everything into her backpack and binder, and stands. At this moment, her eyes are the coldest he has ever seen. Sure, they were blank or tearful (rare), but this is much different.

“See you tomorrow.”  

Her gaze is meant to burn. Tooru shivers under it long after the sound of her shoes has waned.  

  Practice is tedious. It drags on and with each second ticking away, Tooru finds himself trying less and exerting himself more. It’s a paradox, I know, but entirely possible under circumstances such as this; wandering thoughts, a body that is too accustomed to moving to be as idle as his spirit. He sends the ball flying, and it smacks the precise point he had aimed for. He receives the ball once more, and the same happens. Like a claw arcade machine swamping the yen, Tooru retrieves it again and again.

He inhales his comrades’ praise like air. Their looks of adoration are a delectable full course meal. Seeing as Tooru thrives on others’ worship of what he represents, he feasts on it. So it is no easy thing for him to understand he doesn’t really want to be here, that his social battery is zero function and all acid.

At home, he takes a shower and then opens the bag of chips. He doesn’t mean to reach for the bottle of vodka. It just… easy to do so. To a magician, the flick of his wand determines the success of his conjuration or its utter failure. While Tooru is nothing of the sort, he understands the principle. The bottle has become an extension of himself, an artificial limb that feels more real than his own flesh. Alcohol determines the flow of his life, not blood. A bit dramatic. But it’s the truth.

Tooru is sober when he puts on his coat and sets out for the spot that has recently become one of his favorites. He’s a bit tipsy by the time he gets there on foot, taking small swigs out of his hip flask (he has 3 others in the pockets of his coat). The wind lashes across the deserted place, and he shivers. The vodka feels like a warm hug. So warm that he drinks it slowly, like some who is not used to the scorching taste of it, just so he can preserve this consolation for a little while longer.

He manages until 10 PM.

“Fuck,” He slurs, “No buses.”

What else is there to do but call someone to pick him up and let him crash for the night? His mother would help, but she’s far from here. Iwa-chan would come but it would be a hassle and Tooru would be too ashamed to ever face him again. He could, but would that really serve his image right. Because getting shitfaced once isn’t the end of the world, being a volleyball player, heir, and college student with an addiction is a brand. He would rather die by falling off a skyscraper and have his brain matter make puddles on the pavement, than be branded.

His fingers hover over Chiharu’s number. She could come. She would come… for him. Because she cared about him enough not to let him drink himself into an early grave or from frostbite (an exaggeration, sigh). So his thumb hovers like a ghost over the bright screen before it dives and taps the number.

Chiharu, whose appetite is that of a ravenous beast, is chilling on the couch alone munching on spaghetti arrabbiata. Ayame is out with Kuroo (again), having a midnight picnic at 10:29 PM and possibly having sex in some open field. Y/n is back on her bullshit, but at least she had dinner so Chiharu is at peace. As long as the two of them are healthy (even moderately so) Chiharu is satisfied. It helps that she’s almost done with three out of five pieces of the assignment.

When she receives a call from Tooru, she isn’t all that surprised considering his need to check up on people he cherishes. Mouth lathered with sauce, she picks up.

“What’s up?” She asks, foolishly expecting him to answer like a normal person. She places the bowl on the table and sits up straight, “Tooru what’s wrong?”

On the other side of the call, her cousin is quiet. The beat of silence is so uncomfortable and asphyxiating that her nerves nearly fly out of her body in a fit of annoyance and concern.

“I, uhm… got kinda drunk,” He explains, the syllable of each word stretched out like a pair of tights, “And… and I can’t see that well… so can-

“You dumbass!” She screams and he has the audacity to laugh. “How many times have I- Oh never fucking mind! Where are you right now?”

His answer is astonishingly immediate. “That deserted place we went with… with Y/n that… one time.”

Chiharu frowns. There is something she doesn’t fully understand, a ribbon of information that eludes her. But all she does is huff in frustration and tell him to stay where he is and that she’s going to bring him home. Food long forgotten, she brainstorms how she’s going to support his massive frame all the way here on her own. Ayame, physically feeble as she is, would help her. No doubt there. But with her unavailable, only one alternative remains.

She raps her knuckles against the door.

“Y/n, you free right now?” She shuffles her feet as if they were cards.

“What is it?” Her friend asks, likely turning around in her chair, “Something broken?”

“No it’s- can you please come out? I have a favor to ask of you.”

There is the sound of footsteps and then Y/n unlocks the door. The light of the living room burns so she has to squint to make out Chiharu’s face.

“I know it’s kinda shitty of me to ask you for anything right now but please come help me carry Tooru’s stupid fucking flat ass here.”

The girl’s aggravated request makes Y/n squint even more, until all she sees through the hail of eyelashes is a blur of spots and colors.

“Why should we carry a six foot something man all the way here?” She asks.

“Promise I’ll tell you on our way there.” Is all Chiharu says as she motion’s for Y/n to follow her. “C’mon let’s hurry.”

“Alright, alright,” Y/n sighs, retreating inside her room, “Be ready in 5 minutes.”

“Make it two please?”

Damn, thinks Y/n wile stripping down to her undergarments, is it that serious?

Apparently it is kinda serious. It’s November and Oikawa Tooru decided it was a brilliant idea to get munted in a scarcely inhabited area with no means of providing warmth. Y/n doesn’t waste energy shaking her head in disappointment. Nobody got time for things that don’t interest them, unless they are to profit from them. And she is neither taken aback nor concerned by the ordeal. He did this to himself.

She reiterates this mantra all the way to their destination, sometimes aloud.

“Your lack of sympathy towards those in need,” Starts Chiharu with a frown, “Along with your intolerance for small mistakes isn’t something to be proud of.”

Y/n shrugs. “Call it what it is. A habit.”

“Even worse then,” Chiharu’s tone is accusatory, “That you can’t feel sympathy for addicts.”

Not addicts, Y/n ruminates as she catches a glimpse of him on the bench, just him.

Chiharu follows Y/n’s line of sight and marches there like a soldier on duty. Before he can slur whatever greeting he has in mind, her hands clamp down on his shoulders and she begins to shake him. Partially to vent out her anger at him for making her worry and partially in hopes it will knock some sense into him. The second takes no grand effect of course. But she still does it in hopes that it might.

“Are you out of your fucking mind?!”

Every living thing can tell she’s on the verge of tears. Tooru’s gaze can’t stop wandering, perhaps seeking a way out or just to piss her off. Even he doesn’t know. What he does know is that there’s a certain presence nearby, steadily approaching.

“Are you out of your fucking mind?!” His cousin’s rampage continues. It’s at this moment that he sees her, his eyes widening just the slightest, “Answer me you stupid fool! You stupid fucking fool! Why-

“Y/n?”

She looks at him with those same eyes, the cold ones from before. Instead of a shiver, what he feels is scalding humiliation surging through him like a river out of a broken dam. He considers her stare of utter disinterest a thousand times more degrading than if she were to curl her lip in a sneer the way he does. It shows that she never expected much of him to begin with. Shattering expectations is one thing. Forcing a person to have none with regards to you, is a discreditable feat.

His cousin, now finished with her snarling and insults, places his arm around her shoulder.

“I hate you for doing this to yourself, Tooru,” Chiharu tells him, but he’s not listening, “I’ll fucking kill you tomorrow, you dunce.”

He feels surprise and excitement ripple through him the moment Y/n takes his arm and mimics Chiharu. Through the shame of it all, Tooru finds an absurd amount of temerity. He removes his arm from his cousin’s shoulder to cradle Y/n’s face. She sees this coming and moves out of his reach.

It’s a reflex. The realization makes his eyes burn. He lowers his head, swallows painfully through the tightness of his throat. After the awkward interaction, they support his weight all the way back to their apartment. Chiharu keeps tossing slights his way, and he hauls what pretense resides within him to laugh at them. Not because her words necessarily hurt. They’re just… not the center of his attention.

Through the humid night air, he is trying to soak up the warmth of her skin. Her scent, vanilla and lavender, clings to his clothes, to his skin when his fingers brush against her thick zip up hoodie. It’s simultaneously comforting and disorientating, like having your balance shifted then set upright once more. He figures it’s the alcohol. Add to the mix the fact that he’s been waiting for the slimmest chance of making physical contact with her, and you get a recipe for mystification.

He’s sober enough to remove his own garments once they bring him home. Chiharu chucks a pair of sweatpants and one of her painting hoodies at him and tells him to take a shower. He grabs the nearest shampoo, and the familiar scent soothes him. The steam claims the attributes of a field of lavender, waiting to be harvested. He breathes it in, tries not to recall that one specific memory that begs to come forward.

His muscles are so tired he can’t even jerk himself off. Sad, but true.

He flops down on the bed like the sack of shit that he is and Chiharu, who is already under the covers, pats his back the way a parent would their child’s. He falls asleep more easily than he’d like. He

“Hey, dumbass,” Chiharu hollers at him for what must be the twenty something time since she awoke, slapping the door frame, “Get your ass up now. I made disgusting hangover soup.”

The thought of ingesting shijimi at… whatever time it is right now, only serves to make him wrap the fluffy blanket around his body tighter. He is not a human. He is now a burrito and burritos don’t have to eat hangover soup. He will not consume the abomination that is any concoction of Chiharu’s making. Nobody can force him into such an endeavor. That’s right, nobody.

But something certainly can. And as his accursed luck would have it, that very thing unravels in his brain like one of those clowns in boxes. His eyelids lift just as fast. He lifts his head just enough to sneak a peek over the rim of the blanket. The door is open, so if he as much as farts quietly Chiharu will hear it, storm into the room, and swipe his head clean off his body. So he isn’t brave enough to groan at his own thoughts.

“Maybe she’ll be too busy eating to care about me.”

The voice and his thoughts send a throbbing pain ringing through his head. Maybe he should fart and have Chiharu kill him on the spot after all. He rubs his dry ass fingers all over his face and heads for the bathroom, determined not to delay the inevitable. He asks Chiharu if they got any spare toothbrushes and she answers that Y/n always keeps at least four in the top left drawer below the sink. The moment he spots a bright yellow one with green stars and midnight blue moon engravings on the handle, his fingers peel the packaging off. I bet he’d like to say the action happens on a subconscious level. The truth of it is that he is fully aware of his desire to see her reaction him having used the toothbrush.

He leaves the restroom with a grin (smiling through the pain). One that declines into a pout of confusion once he glimpses no sign of Y/n at the dinner table. But then again, it’s a week day. That means college.

“Yo, how are you feeling?” Chiharu speaks from behind him just as he’s taking a seat before the bowl of soup. He makes a face at the volume as well as the thought of eating a meal cooked by her. “You know what, bitch! Hope your headache is so bad that you bleed not only out of your nose but your ass too!”

He winces, already picking up the spoon (the boat to hell), and mumbles. “Have some care would you?”

“Yeah, yeah, just eat the damn soup and stay here for now.” He hears the distinct sound of leather rubbing against leather, and turns back to see his cousin. “Also if Y/n comes out to eat tell her there’s leftover spaghetti in the fridge.”  

Tooru’s hand halts just before the spoon may reach his lips. His hangover brain cannot conjure a scenario in which Y/n, of all people, might skip classes. Even before graduation she submitted every assignment via email. Tooru knows this because one of her classmates complained to the history teacher about the unfairness of it all, and the latter had answered that it was because of severe health issues. There is some truth to it, reader.

“She’s here?” Tooru asks like a stupid bitch.

“Classes were cancelled. Professors having a meeting or something. That’s what she said. Anyway I doubt you’ll see her. But if you do,” There comes a pause. It’s the pause of uncertainty, the hopelessness of hoping for reality to be even just a little bit different. Then the heels of her footwear produce a clicking sound as she heads for the door. “Yeah tell her there’s some in the fridge. See ya!”

Tooru finishes the dreadful thing and washes the bowl. After much effort of finding the remote, he turns on the TV. All there is left to do is wait. Tooru is good at it… waiting. But the thing about waiting is the enhanced cravings it thrusts upon you, until your breaths, the silence, and existence become unbearable burdens. Thus, patience kills itself.

This happens at precisely 3:56 PM (I know this because I’m the damn narrator and obsessed with time). Tooru is concerned to say the least. He’s aware that she wakes early and hits the sack at unhealthy early hours of the morning. He knows she’s not all that aware of her surroundings. He now knows this is the reason she did so poorly in PE. But he had never thought she’d forget her meals.

Maybe she just doesn’t want to see you, a voice tells him. He shakes it off and knocks.

“What is it?”

His first thought is that her voice sounds dry as a dessert.

“Are you hungry?” He asks, once again like a dumb whore. “Haru said there’s-

“I know.” Is all the answer he gets, which shouldn’t stun him considering he’s been acquainted with her manner of speaking and mannerisms for the better part of his life yet it does. A minute seems to pass before she speaks again, her voice now sounding much closer. “You’re still there, aren’t you?”

“Yes, and I’m not leaving.” He chuckles. “Unless you op-

The door flies open. Instead of jumping back he greets her with a grin and brushes past Y/n and into her bedroom without waiting for opposition.

No toothpaste, he thinks as he sits at the foot of her bed, just vanilla and lavender. For someone who deems the action of memorizing other persons’ signature scents in order to draw in the yard of intimacy, he sure does spend an awful lot of his waking hours regurgitating the memory of her childhood bedroom. There are moments when, instead of the scenery ahead, the scents flash before his eyes in swirls of pigments. Purple for lavender. Neon green for toothpaste. An admixture of sunset orange and sunflower yellow for vanilla.

Right now, however, Tooru is trying his damn best to see her only. No memories, just the sight of her face crumpling in a disgruntled frown as his fingers feel the fabric of her covers. The frown deepens when he tilts his head and smiles.

He decides to gain the upper hand by being the first to speak.

“How come you’re not eating?”

Seemingly through with silently forcing him to leave, she sits at her desk once more.

“I’m studying.” She responds a moment too late.

That makes no sense to Tooru. But then again, he’s an athlete so skipping meals has always been an inherent taboo stamped stubbornly into his psyche. But her posture― the shrug, the leg bent so that the corner of the chair presses into her heel― injects him with the suspicion that such is not the case with her. Or it’s not all there is to it.

“Studying?” He props, eyes glued to her shoulders. “Studying equals starvation?”

“I’m not starving myself. I just forgot to eat and-

“And to sleep by the looks of it.”

Her fingers curl around the black pen the way a frightened child holds on to the garments of their mother; like it’s the only tether to sanity they can find.

“This is the first time you come into my bedroom. Uninvited.” Her words have him one edge, and hilariously enough his ass seems to slide a little closer to the brink of the bed, “And all you’re doing is commenting on my appearance.”

“Not the first time, cutie.”

Y/n stills, and Tooru wonders if that was perhaps the wrong thing to implement in the conversation. But she still hasn’t turned around, or glanced at him from the corner of her eye. Briefly, he considers spitting out something, anything to viciously strike a nerve. He clamps down on the impulse.

“Your previous bedroom is quite the pretty thing.” Tooru finishes.

“So those people just let anyone become an audience to my private space.” Before he can retort with something teasing, she shrugs. “Unsurprising. And it doesn’t matter.”

It doesn’t matter? But it does matter. Tooru shakes it off and jumps off the bed.

“Come on.” He says merrily, hovering over her desk, “Let’s have lunch… or dinner. You don’t have to eat what’s in the fridge if you don’t like it. Just show me the way to your favorite place and I’ll pay.” He takes a moment to consider the means of transportation, and embarrassment inundates his cheeks, “I don’t have my car parked anywhere near, obviously, or I’d offer to take you there.”

“No.” Comes her curt reply.

Tooru finds himself wishing he could allow himself to snap like he used to. It was much easier to be the one scrunching your nose in disgust of someone’s presence than be the one on the receiving end of rejection. That goes without saying. And perhaps it’s this resentment towards his indecisiveness that has him asking a question, the answer to which is as plain as a pikestaff.

“Why not?”

His palm lay flat on the desk (something to ensure balance). Y/n glances at it from the corner of her eye, wishing he would remove his entire presence from her vicinity. Tooru perceives her discomfort but wants to indulge in her presence still, even just up until the moment she’s dignified his question with an answer. With a pang of nervousness, he realizes that could be just a matter of seconds.

Y/n reaches for the curtains, pulling them so that no tendril of light could ever aspire to penetrate. She’s about to tread muddy memories. She needs the darkness.

“On your 17th birthday…” Picking up her pen once more, she begins and Tooru is all ears (gaze attentive and settled on her face, senses heightened as though he were hunting prey instead of words). “When I told you what was wrong I didn’t think you’d say that. I mean… I kind of did but I didn’t think it would be that bad if I answered honestly.”

He remembers it.

“Remember your reaction?”

He remembers all of it. It’s a memory that drives away all thoughts of sleep. He doesn’t want to have to welcome it into the front of his mind again and again and again. So he drinks and trains, options that are currently unavailable.   The strength it takes to coerce it back to a forgotten corner of his psyche is staggering. It weakens him against the very thoughts and behaviors he’s trying to make amends for.

“Do you realize how suffocating it is to be forced to hang out with people you can’t stand?”

“Then tell me why you’re here.”

She looks up at him, face impassive. It would have been so much easier to work and grovel for forgiveness if she cared to allow him. But she’s painfully accustomed to this. Her lips aren’t trembling. Her words aren’t thickened by tears.

It’s not that Tooru wishes otherwise. There is just a multitude of sensations and blunders and bad decisions piled up on top of one another and he can’t attain the strength to rise above them all.

Y/n pushes back the chair and opens the door once more. No words need to be spoken. Tooru manages to tear himself from the desk.

“That’s not- that’s not what I wanted to say.” He says, his eyes on the verge of burning. At this moment, he is itching for any reaction of hers that isn’t utter disinterest. That’s precisely what she delivers. “Don’t look at me like that.”

“Okay.”

“Hear me out? I said I didn’t- fuck I didn’t mean to say it like that.” His eyes are closed one second and wide as saucers the next. He reaches for her shoulders then retracts them like claws. Breath scarce, he offers a haphazardly-crafted explanation, “I swear I was on edge. My hangover has me fucked in the head. I wouldn’t have phrased it like that if I were in my right mi-  

“Oikawa.”

He sucks in a breath. “Yes?”

“I don’t care.” She regards him with those same confused eyes. “What you do with your health, your memories, your existence. I don’t care at all.”

His existence, Tooru understands, doesn’t compute. He used to matter to her. He knows that, has probably known even before Chiharu screamed it for all to hear. He used to matter so much that she would help Emiko make banners he would sneer at. He knows he used to matter because he saw her cover her mouth after his team’s victories. She did it in order not to let him see her smile. Because he’d claimed it was atrocious.

She thought it would ruin his night. Ironic. Now his day is ruined because he can’t see it. She wouldn’t let him. For valid reasons, Tooru admits.

All the same, he draws near. Just one step forward. She retreats one step backwards. It’s just like the first day of their reunion. Every single second in her presence is spent with him vying for her forgiveness, or something of the like. He has to pay for them, either in yen or shame.

Tooru allows himself to ask the question that, like acid, has been eating at the mire-layered corners of his mind for the past year and some. He tries to smile through the attempt.

“Do you still smile like you used to?”

But voices, masculine and feminine, sound down the hall and Y/n is already turning away. Tuning everything out, even her very breaths, with the music blasting through her orange earphones. Tooru doesn’t receive an answer, let alone a demonstration. I’m warning you, though. When he does, it breaks him.

   November the 17th

Contrary to popular assumption, Rin is quite party averse due to his subtle need for privacy. He attends them, yes. But enjoy them, particularly in nights such as these when all he desires is to sit on the floor with his back against Y/n’s bed and gorge on takoyaki while she hoards books on her laptop? Yeah, not so much.

He’d even rather listen to his grandma tell him he shouldn’t use girls for sex, even if they’re okay with the arrangement. She’s projecting, he knows that. But after a while, it becomes an overbearing subjected that puts him off from visiting his grandma more than once a month.

He would do anything just to get out of here and not feel like he owes anyone his presence. Kenma wouldn’t bat an eye at his disappearance. Ayame and Kuroo would undoubtedly pester him about it but it’s nothing he can’t handle by setting his phone on silent. Oikawa’s take on his departure wouldn’t be of much significance to him. Chiharu, in contrast, would inquire about his whereabouts, if he finds the party boring, if something gave him diarrhea et cetera. She wouldn’t lay off.

Despite the air conditioner, Rin’s hands are cold. The slight tremble in them can only be attributed to restlessness. He heads out on the balcony for some fresh air. Not many people like to freeze their asses off so it’s unpopulated at this moment. He doesn’t expect the door to be open, or for Kenma and Oikawa to be there.

Each of them dons a thick coat and woolen scarf, an appropriate attire for the November weather.

They don’t catch sight of him in the threshold. Nor do they hear his breaths come out in puffs of silver steam. The noise of horns and cars and shouts overwhelms everything.

“She really thinks we can’t be friends because of what happened?” Rin has never heard Kenma sound so incredulous, even though you wouldn’t know it by looking at the latter’s face. “Are you sure that’s what she said?”

“Believe it or not,” Oikawa shoves his gloved hands in the pockets of his coat, “That’s what she said. She almost didn’t pick the gift.”

“Could have been because she’s broke though.”

“That too,” Oikawa’s laugh sounds pained, but what could Rin know about it. He thinks it looks like counterfeit money, too flat and shallow, not at all the texture of one of genuine quality. “But mostly because she thinks there’s no mending your friendship. I,” He pauses, a sigh leaving his lungs in silvery tendrils, “Think she needs you to be direct. She might not even know she needs you to communicate this to her.”

Rin doesn’t think twice before turning around and worming his way around the hyper partygoers. He thinks he’s escaped Oikawa’s sharp glances. Blissful in his ignorance, he closes the door behind him and climbs into the elevator.

Rin knocks twice. The third time is when the door creaks open. Her eyes peek over the side of the door, wide with disbelief at the sight of him at her doorstep.

He pushes the door, careful not to crush her against the shoe rack against the wall, and enters the house before she can think to strategize some excuse for why he shouldn’t be here in the first place. His presence is wanted. She wants him here, maybe even needs him. Of that he is now certain.

“Potato wedges with caesar dressing and mint chutney.” Y/n tells him out of nowhere. “Want some?”

He follows her into the living room. “Yeah, lets eat them outside.”

“It’s raining.”

“You don’t mind that.”

“True.” She pick out a tray from the kitchen drawers and places the plate of fries and the bowls of sauces on it. “But the fries do.”

Rin snatches the tray and is out into the balcony before she can complain about it. “We like cold fries, though.”

She comes back with warm mint tea (as if that will stop them from catching a cold) and sits beside him on the threshold because it helps her feel more within the borders of good health. Not that it makes much sense since she’s still outside, teeth about to start their clattering dance. But hey! All is well because she’s wearing this thick ass purple hoodie patterned with orange little boats and the pair of old grey sweatpants her aunt gifted her during the months she was living in their house.

Rin is wearing less and faring better. But he’s a “warm-blooded motherfucker”, as Kuroo often calls him while the rest are shivering, so the difference is understandable.

“You’re a dick.” He tells her while dipping his fry in the chutney.

“Dickess.”

Rin can’t help but snort.

“A huge fucking dickess then.” He says, munching on the fry. “Not texting back for weeks.”

Y/n gives him a sideways glance. “You’ve never been ghosted before?”

“Never this hard.”

The confession is staggering. She wasn’t expecting a confirmation. Suna Rintaro has been ghosted before? But ghosting is either that or not at all. What does he mean by ‘hard’?

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

Her response amuses him. They spend several moments in silence, the kind of silence friends share when both harbor secrets they struggle to entrust the other with. But neither minds the nature of it. It is better than having to bequeath their pain to someone who might either revile or reject them for it, especially when that someone happens to be someone they rather enjoy having around.

“Sometimes my dick gets hard when I have to pee.”

Y/n turns slowly, faces him unreservedly.

“Me too.” She says.

“Your… dick?”

“No, I meant,” She adjust her position so that her butt cheeks don’t hurt. “I meant that sometimes I feel horny when I have to pee. Recently I found out that it’s because when the bladder gets full, some of the nerves of the clitoris are stimulated which makes you crave even more stimulation, either in the form of masturbation or sex. Any sexual activity will do. Or you can just pee.”

“Peeing is boring.” Rin smirks, “I’d take the sexual activities.”

Y/n picks one of the largest wedges and covers more than half of it in caesar dressing.

“Makes sense you would.” She tells him, her look lodged some place far away, “Because you can.”

Rin feels himself shift to the side almost subconsciously.

“What does that mean?”

His question receives but a shrug on her part, like she can’t be bothered to elaborate on her statement. He tries to sneak a more intimate glimpse into her mind, into her very soul but for all his efforts, Rin finds himself at a dead end. It prickles him, like those needles you get in your feet when you’ve roused your limb out of numbness. Weeks of numbness have now given way to this odd, discomposing impression.

Maybe he wants to tell her that he’s missed her. Maybe he wants to kiss her until air becomes less a necessity than the need to feel her lips. Maybe he does want to use her, be her friend. Rin wants everything all at once with an intensity most cannot perceive of him. The man himself has no knowledge of this.

Ignorance, in this case, breeds more silence of the conversational sort. Because while their mouths are sealed, rain-trodden Tokyo is determined to revive the clamor of the day.

  Tooru doubts anyone will think doubt the sincerity of his excuse for leaving earlier than initially planned. After all, in the eyes of the others, he has no reason to feel upset, frustrated, or livid with himself. They would, without a doubt, believe his words to carry truth.

My head hurts, guys. I think I’m gonna hit the sheets early tonight.

So he took his leave without much ado and drove back to his apartment. As soon as he hit the sheets, however, that memory slammed headfirst to the front of his mind. He hates his brain for reminding him every day of how much of a little bitch he is, what a cruel person he’s been for the better part of his time on earth. Sometimes Tooru, the way his neuron-based pana cotta has been wired is divine retribution for his daring to exist.

Even in the hollow tunnels of his house, the place that is meant to provide the most comfort, he cannot find it in him to let go of the… anger I suppose. It’s fundamental, he realizes, a reaction that will forever be with him. Every single thing he has done, is inclined to do, will assume the shape of anger and all its other properties.

Sad thing for a man to admit. But true.

“I…” The word is filled with a sense of alienation, a desire for the pronoun to belong to someone else, “I haven’t seen it… in a while.”

This is how it starts, his journey back home. It starts with nostalgia, melancholy, a longing to see it once more before his mind and sanity are torn asunder.

Only just remembering to snatch his coat off the rack, Tooru grabs his car keys, furiously presses the buttons of the elevator, and hits the road.

“What am I doing,” Tooru whispers himself a question the answer to which he cannot fully grasp. “What the fuck am I doing?”

Frantic. That is the word he chooses to describe himself the moment he turns the key, the instant that the sole of his foot makes contact with the gas pedal, and the second the lights littering the city’s landscape blur into the background in a mind-churning, invigorating, neon-tinted motley. It’s psychedelic, this need, to the point that it persuades me to agree with his adjective of choice. It’s almost as if his dread exists in the same plane as my mild interest, and for a moment I see him as something more than the boy who keeps making mistakes.

I see him more intimately, and though he doesn’t perceive me as anything different than the wind blowing his hair in all directions as his car flashes past billboards on the highway, I begin to feel the narcotic pull of bleakness. It is akin to the urge to open the door of the fridge, subconscious and disorientating once you find the same items over and over again. Yet it also carries the sensation of looking into the ruins of a house of cards, the crushing pessimism before the slightly resigned effort to rebuild it. I don’t wish to look further, but their stories need to be told and I am the one with the means to do so.

Skyscrapers are replaced by houses far and few between. The scenery vacillates between the two time and time again, until the clock strikes 2:47 AM and he’s parking his car before the apartment complex he grew up in.

Tooru exits the car. He winces when the wind closes the door with much more force than he intended. He climbs the flight of stairs at the front and takes the elevator because he has decided that not a soul or a devil is to have knowledge of his return (the elevators have cameras but that’s fine apparently).

Turning the key, Tooru prays for his mom not to wake. Before he enters, he gives in to the magnetism of the neighboring apartment. It’s only a glance. After the conversation he had with her only days before, Tooru cannot bear to look at it. It felt like confirmation.

And it doesn’t matter.

Because it did matter. How could it not? Most of her life was spent in isolation, in that now-empty room that was loathe to rid itself of traces of her. The room clung to the memory of her. It’s why Tooru would sneak glimpses of it each time he emerged out on the balcony for some ‘fresh air’. It’s why one night, when he succumbed to alcohol once more, he made the reckless decision of climbing into hers and sat before the door for an hour or so.

At dawn, he had extracted the photo from one of the hell-deep drawers and put it back never to gaze upon it since. He does the same now, in the wee hours of the morning when he should be dead asleep.

The process is, of course, loud. Everything sounds louder at night. His breathing is too loud, like that of a student desperate to find that one sheet of paper full of notes on a specific paragraph. If his mother hasn’t awoken yet, she will soon.

“Is it- It must be,” Tooru whispers in the darkness, his fingers stumbling upon a smooth surface, slightly sticky to the touch. “There… found you.”

There are sciences for the study of the evolution of words, embryos, the brain. As he brushes the pad of his thumb along the shape of her jaw, Tooru wonders if there is one that might trace the curves of her lips back to when they could smile with no restraint. He wonders if something so abandoned, so far-cast into oblivion, could ever truly evolve. He wonders if it is still the same. Not like in the picture. Way before that, when her smile was all cavities and somewhat uneven tilt of the corners of her mouth.

The worst part about this particular thing is that the picture he currently holds could have been that of a genuine smile. It could have been unadulterated happiness, for both of them. It could have been his arm thrown around her shoulders, little by little pulling her closer to his side.

Instead, the boundary between their bodies is thick. Her lips are sealed in a fallen smile while his own suppress amusement. It makes him sick.

Birthdays are not monotonous. There is cake, milk bread, and a myriad of dishes he cannot be bothered to memorize when they are to find their doom in the pit of his stomach. There is music and there are people whose attention is pinned on the man of the hour. Their adoration feeds his ego, which in turn craves it all the more. It’s insatiable.

So what happens when it’s getting darker and he is, out of the blue, overwhelmed by the presence of his closest friends? You unlock a very frantic Oikawa Tooru whose hollow-hearted smiles deteriorate the instant his right foot is out the restaurant’s entrance.

She’s there, of course. His mom insisted that she come along, and so she did. Unlike him, she bathes in the flickering light of the porch instead of the praise of others.

Her short hair fails to conceal her features. Tooru beholds all of it; the bridge of her nose, the circles under her eyes, the small pimples scattered across her forehead, the pallid complexion that resembles bone dust more than skin… not at all like what he is accustomed to observing. But perhaps, he’s never cared enough to truly see. Perhaps she’s always been like this. Perhaps this is nothing out of the ordinary, so he decides it’s best that he remain the same as well. As she sits on the stairs, the inconsistent, heartbeat-like lighting casts her features in a portrait so remote that Tooru feels as though he could reach the place where she resides only once infinity has reversed its nature.

But she’s only a few feet away from where he stands, clad in a plain olive-green long-sleeved shirt and beige Bermuda shorts, and so he draws closer for reasons that make are not founded in logical reasoning but, rather, in a penchant for forsaking silence.

He sits beside her.

“If you want to be alone,” He says like the hypocrite that he is, “You could go home.”

She glances at him out of the corner of her eye. Her fingers pull on one another, an indicator of discomfort.

“Your mom wanted me to come.” Y/n answered, not truly answering.

“But you could go home.” He pointed out, “If you don’t like it here.”

She lowers her head, but her eyes keep shifting towards his figure. Her hands, Tooru notes, unfold and inter themselves within the pockets of her shorts. He almost doesn’t catch her confession as a motorbike rumbles past.

“They aren’t home and I forgot to take the key.”

The laughter that escapes him is genuine and it scares the shit out of him. Because though he doesn’t want it to be mocking, he is accustomed to hearing the sneer in his own voice when conversing with her. This is unnatural.

“How do they even let you live there?” He asks. “You’re mentally and physically catastrophic.”

Y/n perches her jaw on her palm, face now turned away from him. “This is the first time it’s happened, though.”

He could offer to plead her case as he often does for his close friends. He could lend her his balcony so that she can climb into her own, thus recovering the key. He could simply stay here, allowing both of them a moment’s respite from all the ruckus inside the restaurant. What he does is nothing of the sort.

“Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to die scaling the building,” The words shoot a current of pain as they part from his tongue, “You know, before your mom finds out.”

She doesn’t look at him. He figures she doesn’t want to see him or him to see her. They’re sitting way too close anyway. If one were to gaze upon the other, they would most likely shatter. Although, I frankly think the opposite would have happened. But I understand. At the time, it occurred to neither of them that perhaps that moment of intimacy could have propelled them in a journey to healing. It did not cross their minds that things could be mended, or that they needed to be.

What he finds in all this? A sense of calm, amusement. Tooru disregards the distant pang of a wrong recently committed.

When they’re back, his mother learns of Y/n’s blunder and goes livid when the latter suggests that she uses Tooru’s balcony to jump into her own. Tooru, on the other hand rests his elbows on the slightly rusty, forest green railing of the common balcony, and observes with amusement.

“Are you insane” His mom says, “Absolutely not.”

“But-

“No, you’ll stay with us until your family comes back and that’s final.” His mother urges Y/n towards Tooru, whose features morph in a displeased pout, “Just a second. I’ll be right back.”

Once his mother is out of reach, Tooru finds the girl staring off into space. They don’t exchange words, nothing to indicate a desire for communication. Then the light flares above their heads. They turn around to find his mother occupying herself with a camera in her hands.

Instinctively, Y/n straightens herself before assuming a relatively dispassionate pose. It annoys him. It amuses him. He feels this all at once and it infuriates him, so he recalls moments of her discomfort to retain a sense of normalcy. Tooru’s tendency to gravitate toward such thoughts sends a tide of self-loathing coursing through his body.

But his mother’s finger is about to snap the picture so his face shows nothing of this conflict. He feeds himself lies throughout the night. To maintain those lies he has to provide nourishment in the form of even more lies. He sleeps, but the gluttony of his fear never stops.

He didn’t mean to say it. He didn’t mean to fucking say what he said. He didn’t understand why he succumbed to the urge to make her life a purgatory, punishing her for mistakes that most would find either endearing or aggravating. All he knows is that his words are simultaneously thought out and unpremeditated and he doesn’t understand how this could be a thing.

It doesn’t matter that she played along. What is of importance is the probability of her having taken his words as a genuine suggestion, albeit a malicious one. She, her smile and her frowns could have been truly lost, perhaps forever. What matters is that the moment she entrusted him with her concern was a chance he should have taken, grabbed it by the neck and make use of it. Now that chance remains stranded in the past, wholly out of reach.

“I found you,” Tooru repeats, an absentminded litany, as he sets each item back into its previous position and shoves the picture in the pocket of his coat, “Let’s head back.”

The moment the main door clicks shut, regret sinks in. Regret for not staying until his mother woke. Regret for stowing this photograph away but, presently and most importantly, for seeking it out. 

Chapter 4

@heizenka​ 

[princessofgayskull]

somehow I’ll still love you more (kitra fic sneak peak)

so this is a scene from my upcoming fic somehow I’ll still love you more, which at is core is going to be a kitra/baby fic. However, there’s a lot I want to say about this (you know me, can’t keep that word count down) so this fic will be nothing if not a full course meal.

The fic is told in a nonlinear fashion. This particular scene I wanted to share with you guys because I believe it touches on a lot of what the fic is going to be about. It’s set between the episodes White Out and Light Spinner in Season 2. Enjoy! (this has not been beta’d yet)

“Scorpia,”

“Hmm- huh?”

“Stop doing that.”

“Stop doing what?”

Pulling up the hand brake, Catra stopped the speeder in its tracks before whirling around, her left eye twitching like the movement was the only thing keeping her eyeball in place. “That- that thing you’re doing with your mouth. That noise you’re making under your breath.”

“Singing?” Scorpia raised an eyebrow. 

“You call that singing?” Catra scoffed at her inferior. Look, Catra got that growing up in the Horde meant there weren’t any private music lessons (even if that was in Shadow Weaver’s job description she’d just relegate that responsibility off to some tone deaf Force Captain so she’d have more time to make Catra’s life a living hell and dote on Adora on the side) that all those half-witted princesses definitely got growing up, but it was like Scorpia was trying for the same sound her pincers made when she dragged them down slabs of concrete. 

Catra’s hand squeezed the brake handle until the pressure hurt the bones in her hand, her left eye still twitching. It was like Scorpia was trying to tank Catra’s recent promotion as Hordak’s second in command by being as annoying as she could on purpose. But who wasn’t trying to derail all of Catra’s hard earned progress these days?

“Oh um, I could stop. If you want.” Scorpia muttered, her face falling into an expression that gave Catra the urge to both scream, puke, cry, and beg for forgiveness at the same time. And lately, every action, every word, every little breath that any took in her direct vicinity set off a domino effect of violent emotions in Catra, every single one too enormous and too consuming for her body. 

Good thing Catra didn’t have time for any of that. 

“Just-” Catra’s breath faltered when Scorpia refused to look at her (what? Now she was the bad guy just because she needed focus or Hordak would have her sent to Beast Island? Or worse?!), “- just don’t do it right now, okay?”

This earned Catra an enthusiastic nod, and she was too fucking tired to do anything but figure that was going to have to do, given the time crunch, and not mention, the insane amount of pressure she was running under. Clicking the brake, Catra pushed the handle down, fucking ecstatic to be driving the speeder the rest of the way in peace and quiet. Finally. Scorpia didn’t say another word, didn’t make another noise, until Catra was pulling up to the edge of Dawn’s Pass and activating the brake again.

That was good enough for Catra.

Just as Catra moved up to the edge to take a watchful stance of the town, Scorpia opened her big mouth. “Uh, boss? Not that I don’t love these recon missions with you lately, but I gotta ask: why are we staking out this village again? The Horde’s occupied this place for the last twelve years, and this isn’t exactly what I pictured when you said we were going to start hanging out over work? I mean, unless Dawn’s Pass has a mean bowling alley. Does- does it?”

“No,” Catra’s tail twitched in irritation. 

“Oh.” 

A cadet, waving his baton in a steady motions, stood at the broad brick wall that blocked off the town as his shift replacement approached from the west, whistling a tune through their helmet so ear shattering it put Scorpia’s new little song to shame. Keeping her eyes trained on the two of them, Catra braced herself for the metallic scent of magic to hit her nose. There was the quick swish of her claws unsheathing, and then, a pregnant silence. 

If they’re going to strike, Sparkles and Rainbow and- and Adora, or any of the other dopey Princesses- are going to strike now.

But Catra watched unfold was a typical exchange between Horde Cadets: a simple salute, a complaint about standing for ten hours, and a wish for good luck during the dull, boring night shift. No Princesses. No magic. No threats anywhere in sight.

Nothing. Just like Dawn’s Pass went from being a primary target to just another boring occupied village and Catra’s paranoia had wasted another night. Grimacing, her claws digging into her forehead, Catra actually found herself hoping Hordak would be too busy wasting pleasantry on the Princess who sat at (or on it, literally, because Entrapta just thought she was the shit and that she could waltz into any room) his throne to speak with her tonight. Her lengthy string of failures was getting harder and harder to choke her way through excusing.

“So um,” Scorpia started up again, sending Catra’s ears laying flat up against her head. She exhaled a hot and irritated sigh, but the Horde’s hostage/princess stayed true to her inability to take a fucking hint, “when you said we were going to start hanging out after we came back with all that tech from the the Northern Reach, I just- I just didn’t picture us, you know patrolling.”

An angry pulse ran up Catra’s back at the mention of their tech victory- Entrapta’s tech victory- back in that shitty winter wasteland she almost froze her tail off in. “Scorpia,” her voice was thin, “I told you a thousand times, I don’t have time. Just take what you’re given and try not to complain.”

Wow, did she just sound like Shadow Weaver right then. Whatever, Catra turned her head away from Scorpia, in no mood to deal with the fallout of seeing her sort-of-friend’s expression, maybe the Old Crone was right about some things in the end.

“Can I ask why we’re here? Like here, here? What makes a place with no bowling alley so interesting?” The second Scorpia let up, Catra let her forehead hit the rim of the speeder and didn’t even blink at the ringing pain. Ugh, Scorpia just never gave up. How many times did Catra have to ask for some damn silence so she could think? 

Running her claws down her face- again- Catra grunted, “Dawn’s Pass can’t fall into the hands’ of the Rebellion. If we lose it, or if they’re conspiring with the Princesses, we’re going to lose the Horde’s longest occupied village and we’ll be giving up the tactical advantage it gives us against that flower Princess’s kingdom.” And I will have another failure under my badge. If I lose another town, I can basically kiss my Force Captain badge goodbye. And maybe my life.

“Ohhhh…” Scorpia trailed off. At this point Catra was going to end up with a bitch of headache just from rolling her eyes at the other Force Captain. “Yeah, that makes sense. This’ll be fun! Patrolling the occupied territories with my bestie!”

Catra made a noise of disgust, but it wasn’t enough to stop Scorpia from pushing herself onto the front seat and almost pushing Catra out of it. Leaning the exoskeleton covered parts of her elbows onto the rim, Scorpia let out a contented sigh, her ditzy gaze trained on the town as Catra struggled- yipping and yelping to no end and scratching up the dinged up leather of the seat- to get her tail out from under the other woman’s butt. 

Do the words “personal space” just mean absolutely jackshit to her? Catra, gripping her freed tail, growled under her breath and turned away from Scorpia. The seat was practically hers now! Looks like kneeling on the floor would have to do! It’s like I’m wearing a sign on my forehead that reads “what’s mine is yours, including the air I breathe!” Ugh, of course Hordak doesn’t listen to me, nobody does! Not even Scorpia! Everyone is too busy with their own heads up their asses to see what I’m trying to accomplish, or to give me enough space to let me do it! And she wonders why I don’t wanna “hang out after work,” or whatever.

Maybe bringing Scorpia as her backup belonged up there with some of Catra’s worst ideas; not like she didn’t have a pretty impressive tab of those wracked up already. Whatever, the universe wasn’t exactly open to responding to any of Catra’s actions with anything other than another round of punishment, so it wasn’t like acting on her impulsive or emotional notions were really going to be her undoing. Not with Hordak out for her neck, her badge no longer wielding the protective force that came with having real authority. 

Catra was an idiot to think that power would’ve actually lasted her longer than a week, that now that she’d taken out Shadow Weaver and left her to her rotting self in a cell that there wouldn’t be another player on the board that could take her shield of Second in Command away from her. Well, that’s what she got for letting Entrapta into their vents. Helping them win the war or not, Horde or not, their resident techwhiz was still a Princess.

And princesses weren’t good for anything other than being annoyances that stood in Catra’s way.

“Are you seriously humming again, Scorpia?!” Catra yelped out, the volume of her voice loud enough to scare several birds from off the town’s wall. Her split eyes had been trained on the town as she crouched at the bottom of the speeder, the only entertainment the angry spiral echoing in her brain, tailing the action of a family and their wagon of sparse supplies as they approached the gate when the grating sound smacked her upside the head. The resulting intensity of her fury was almost enough to give Catra the strength to put her fist through the wall of the speeder.

Scorpia retreated into herself. “Sorry.”

Holding back a response, Catra just scoffed again and turned back to the previous subject of her attention. Watching one of the men of the family reach the gate and request entrance into his town was better than directing a full on meltdown at her inferior, kicking her out of the speeder, and forcing her to walk her way back to the Fright Zone. Catra wasn’t so far drowning her rage to something that idiotic, yet.

It was big yet. Catra knew that as she tried to shift her position, rolling her head on her shoulders and squeezing her fists, breathing only through her nostrils despite understanding that there was no sitting with an anger this encompassing. The feeling pushed and pushed and pushed at her physical walls until it was practically promising that Catra’s building fury would end one mesmerizing explosion, one that would take her, Scorpia, the family, the Horde Cadet, the entire town, all of it, out with a bang. 

Now if only Scorpia had the brains to know that when she started her singing up again.

Catra peeled her blue eye open. The sun was beginning to set, and it had bathed the surrounding forest in shades of soft pink and orange, a scene so painfully ordinary it meant they couldn’t be anywhere else other than reality. Underneath the shadow cast by the stone wall, Catra took in a breath as she watched the first man continue to negotiate his family’s entrance into their own town.

Okay, so she’d hadn’t blown them all to fiery simtheriens- not the speeder, not the wall, not the little girl watched over by another man stumbling barefoot in the grass, letting out happy babbles as she pulled out clumps of grass and started sticking them in her cloth diaper until her father got down on his knees just to get her to stop. Guess Catra could count that as victory that her emotions hadn’t ended in an explosion that ended a child, a baby. Catra figured that given the fact that each step the little girl took on those chubby little legs of hers was a leap of faith that she probably wasn’t even a year and a half old.

The other man, the one that had chosen to forgo the customary negotiation in favor of watching the little girl experiment with walking near their wagon, moved from his kneeling position to pick her up. Something about the way the villager held her with a grip firm enough to keep his child from falling, yet not with so much strength that he hurt left a series of psychosomatic bruises up and down Catra’s ribs. She watched as the man ran a hand bigger than his daughter’s entire head through her soft and downy mauve hair, careful to avoid the tiny stumps in her head that would eventually become long enough and pronounced enough to match the horns of her father’s head. Catra let out a breath she was holding just to suck in another.

“Dada!” Even from the faraway vantage of the speeder Catra’s ears still picked up on the sound of the little girl recognizing her father. Because the universe was both impartial and cruel. Right as Catra realized she had stuck one set of claws in her mouth and she was chewing on them- who was she?! Adora?! Out her biting her freaking nails ‘cause something had the nerve to make her uncomfortable?- the baby stuck her tiny, chubby little hand into her father’s bright orange beard and yanked without mercy.

Now that guy’s screams scared the rest of the birds away.

As the family’s head negotiator rushed away from the Horde Cadet to tend to his husband’s facial hair, their daughter laughing up a riot at their combined reactions, Scorpia leaned over to where Catra sat on the floor, her tail twitching back and forth. “Uh boss?” she started but Catra didn’t turn away, her hand clutched into the fabric that rested above her sternum and not on her Force Captain badge for once. “Should we do something about these guys?”

“Why? They’re not Princesses.” They’re just a normal family trying to get into the place they live, so they can take their daughter home and have a dinner together that’s not mush, and then tuck their daughter in, tell her bedtime stories, be there in the night in case she has nightmares and needs them.

The fathers joined in on their daughter’s laughter.

“Well, that is true.”

A new feeling crept up Catra’s spine, but this time around the discomfort didn’t bring to her the edge of explosion. Implosion, actually. It was the same heaviness that settled in her lungs and crawled up to her throat, a slow and destructive effective infection of Catra’s self, when Hordak shut down her ideas to let Entrapta speak. When the Princesses left a trail of glitter behind running, tripping over themselves to follow She Ra’s lead. When Shadow Weaver cupped Adora’s face and showed her with praise for the simplest fucking task. 

Yeah, Catra knew it made her the world’s biggest idiot to keep her eyes on the seemingly indifferent family and the happiness that radiated off them. She was aware of the damage she brought on herself by not turning away, the risk she ran by letting her emotions run her. So why couldn’t she look somewhere else, anywhere else?

“I can’t wait to be a mom.” Scorpia said out of nowhere. Ears flying straight up, Catra blinked before turning to gawk at her. 

“Wait, really?” A mom mom, as in a  person who takes care of and looks after her children? 

“Yeah, I mean, it’s something I’ve always wanted.” Scorpia shrugged, somehow rubbing her neck with those big pincers of hers. “Why, do you think that’s a bad idea?”

“Scorpia, we’re in the middle of a war,” and that was putting it bluntly, “Besides, Hordak doesn’t even allow fraternization between his soldiers, much less-” her sputtering stops, Catra’s brain still tripping over the word fraternization, “having a family!”

“Well, we’re not going to be at war for the rest of our lives, Catra. Once we get the rebellion to surrender, I kinda wanted to set down roots, do something other than be a Force Captain, not that I don’t love doing that. I’m sure Hordak will loosen up about the whole fraternization thing as soon as we win! I mean, you’ve seen how he was with Entrapta!”

At her words, Catra came close to all out hurling over the speeder’s edge. It was crappy enough of Scorpia to bring up how Entrapta and Hordak were getting closer every day and shoving Catra out of the position she worked her ass off for, but then she had to go and frame it like that? 

Look, Catra got that Entrapta wasn’t the most socially aware princess, but yikes. That didn’t mean she didn’t have some sort of standard.

“What about you, Catra?” Scorpia continued, “What do you- um, what do you see yourself doing after the war?”

Catra met Scorpia’s eyes, only to regret it. “I- I-” she stuttered, looking away and forcing her eyes closed. Pfft, after the war? After the war? How the hell was Catra supposed to picture an after when her entire life, her entire purpose, every goal she’d ever had, was only because there was a war to begin with? 

The Horde conquers the rest of the planet, sends the Princesses running, puts She Ra in the ground, and what, Catra was just supposed to have a plan for after that? What… what was Catra supposed to do when they did win, when the Horde pulled off everything she worked for?

Even though she was expecting to find an emptiness, a blank space, a new start for the after the war when she tried imagining it, all Catra could picture was blonde hair tied up in a tight ponytail, melodic laughter accented by brief snorts ringing in her, the bluest eyes cutting through the longing. The same longing that plagued Catra when she forced her eyes open and saw the two fathers talking to their daughter in gentle yet bright voices, explaining to her that the soldiers had processed their papers and they could go home now.

“I don’t know.” was Catra’s quiet response. 

There wasn’t any promise Hordak would keep her alive that long anyway, or if there would be anything left to live for by the time Catra got Adora down her knees and ended it all- by giving into that implosion that lived deep down in her core, letting it rip right through her and seeing to it that her love for Adora severed the universe in two, creating black hole that would suck them all in eventually- right then and there. Like it always promised to.

A part of Catra tried to push beyond that implosion, tried to picture the future Scorpia envisioned in her mind of setting down roots and birthing legacies. Was there a part of her, beyond the pain and the brokenness, that wanted what Scorpia wanted, too?

Watching that family tonight had been the only part of her mission that hadn’t felt the same as downing a vat of acid down her throat. And as hell bent as Catra was on obliterating any princess that dared to mess with this town’s occupation, there was no animosity in her heart towards that little girl.

She was kinda cute, in the mischievous, funny kind of way. And almost fun- for a baby, that is.

But when Catra closed her eyes once more to picture that little girl and her happy, innocent smile, all that was waiting for her was the image of a shriveled shadow, locked and rotting away back in the Fright Zone.  

[jenni42085]

Nervous <One>

Chapter 1

 Evangeline “Lena” nervously shakes her leg and tries to let the music soothe her mind and soul.  Mentally she is thinking of how much people will be upset if she just decides to trade in her return ticket sooner to be closer with her daughter.  Her parents and his parents both agreed she needed a break and some “me time” but she wasn’t too sure if this was a smart idea.  She realizes her daughter is young and won’t fully remember her being gone for a week but guilt still plagues her.  She leans her head against the window and thinks of him.  

 Thinking of all the good things he is missing, not by choice but rather fate’s choice.  300 days since he was taken from her in a tragic car accident.  She can still remember the officers at her door looking sad and not sure what to tell her.  A wave of sadness washed over her as she felt the sadness that has slightly controlled her life the last 300 days.  Some days were better than others but a day like today where she is flying to see her best friend Marylea in California with out her precious Eevee makes her a little bit more on edge and more time to let her mind wander to different places and topics.

 Usually having the playful but shy 1 year old makes her mind focus on her instead of who isn’t with her anymore.  She is wondering if this week will help her or make her regret ever coming out.  It’s only a week she thinks to herself.  A small part of her thinks that she needs a little time away to completely heal but the rest of her feels guilty for letting her family watch her daughter.  Her greatest joy lately in life has been being a mom.  She thought being a wife was an amazing thing but since being a mom she has felt like her life was complete.  She leans her head back as the plane endures some turbulence, I pray this plane makes it, Eevee can’t lose another parent.  With those final thoughts she drifted into a well deserved nap.

 **************************************************************************************************************

 “No, no, no” Jeff yells as he frustratedly throws the next headshot back in the stack of the others “These girls aren’t what we needing for his image!  Does anyone ever listen to me?”  As he says this he looks around at a few people to have them acknowledge him and his question.  He sees yet another text from his client Chris going unanswered since he already knows what Chris is going to ask him. 

 “Maybe he could just not go because of a ‘medical problem’” he heard someone say.

 “Absolutely not!  This man is Captain America!  He has great health and it really great with the press AND his fans.  There is no way he is going to miss this premeire.”

 “Well, what exactly is he wanting?” Marylea asks as she quietly places his drink order in front of him.  She was still new to California and was looking for better work than being a runner.  She wanted to write but she knew she had to first pay her dues.  So until they thought she was ready to write, she’d be getting coffee.  

 For the first time in a long time he felt hopeless.  He knew Chris never had any crazy demands, so he was trying hard to please him.  It is not that often you get an actor who isn’t a complete douche bag, acts crazy in public,  or hasn’t made a bunch of unattainable goals.  Jeff runs this hands through his bleached blonde hair and grabs his coffee and looks at his new assistant.  She hasn’t been there long but he knows she always got his coffee right and she was always quiet.  Maybe the mouse is finally showing that she is more than a coffee runner.  “He wants a real woman.  Not a model, an actress, or anything like that.  He wants to take a person to the charity event and movie premiere who makes him happy.  Someone who looks like they go together.”

 “You know he is our client and we will do most everything for him but, we aren’t a dating site.”  Anna states flatly as she takes a sip of her water. 

“Not the point. Happy people make for better press.  The guy wants to go out a few times with someone who isn’t completely star struck.”  Jeff knows what would make his client happy, he just has to find it. 

Marylea stood quietly as she debated on letting Jeff know that she had a person who could possibly fill that position. She’s well aware that Lena hasn’t been seeing anyone since the death of her husband. And she had  met Chris a few times and sat in a few meetings with him and honestly he seemed like a good guy.  She thinks they would actually make a great couple since they are both so loving, giving, and most importantly selfless.

Jeff noticed that Marylea had gotten even more quiet and was silently debating something in her head. “Speak.”

Startled Marylea looks up at him like a deer caught in headlights. “I.... ummm ....”

“Well...”, Jeff stares at her slightly intimidating at her. 

“My friend is in town for a month or so.  She isn’t a model or anything like that.”

“Ok and ?” Anna replies with the look that Marylea shouldn’t have been talking. 

“Well, to be honest. She’s black and quite beautiful if you ask me. She is single and honestly needs a boost in confidence”

Anna rolls her eyes while Jeff looks intrigued, “ If she is so beautiful why isn’t she in a relationship now?”

 Marylea was really hoping no one would have asked that question but it would come out sooner or later. “Her husband died about a year ago. She has a one year daughter.  She’s been giving all her time and energy into raising her alone.  Even with that on her plate she still volunteers and fosters animals.”

 “So no crazy exes?” Jeff questions.  Marylea shakes her head quickly. “Why is she out here for a month?  Where is the baby?”

 By this point Marylea has decided to pull up a chair and sit down with the table of inquiring minds to the issue. “All of her friends and family think she needs a break. Her parents are watching her daughter for a week, then she is being flown out here. As her bestie, it is my job to get her back in society as a 34 year old mom. You know kind of get her groove back.”  

 Jeff slowly shakes his head. “This.  This might actually work”. He stands up and stretches as he is thinking that this will benefit everyone. “The press eats it up when people have kids and everyone knows how much Chris loves kids we could have them doing events for kids.  Depending how beautiful you say your friend is she might have a gig for a bit. But this is upon Chris’ approval though.”

 “That’s fine. Hold on I have a few good pictures of her and Eevee.”

 “She named her daughter after a Pokémon?” Anna replies with a smug smirk. 

 Marylea doesn’t appreciate anyone talking about her god-daughter like that.  “No, her name is Evelyn. Eevee is her nickname thank you very much.” 

 By this point Gary has joined the group at the table and smiles like he has won the lottery. It’s not very often Marylea even talks let alone sticks up for herself or anyone but here she goes. “Meow!  This little kitty is finally showing her claws.”

 Hearing that Marylea blushes and puts her head down slightly. “I wouldn’t have suggested her if I didn’t think she was a good choice or that you guys had anyone who would fill the requirements you are looking for.”

 “Good point. Well, she a beautiful girl and her daughter is adorable.”  Jeff says as he hands Marylea’s phone back to her. 

 She opted on the most recent picture she has of her bestie granted it wasn’t the happiest day. Ezra’s funeral. Lena was in a simple black dress with her wedge heels to give her some height. She had opted to pull her naturally curly hair into a sleek bun. Lena was never one for a lot of makeup but on that day she wanted to look her best for him so she did smoky eye makeup and wing tips. Eevee was in her arms in a black tutu. 

 “When does she get here?”  Jeff questions. 

 Marylea looks down at her phone. “She should be here in about an hour. Her flight from West Virginia left on time from the looks of things.”

 “So we can meet her soon?”  Gary perks up to hearing this news. He honestly was tired of looking through millions of head shots of females who didn’t fit the criteria that was asked. 

 “Yeah. I was going to have her meet me here to get my house key then get settled.”

 Jeff thought about things and looked at his phone and quickly sent a message out to Chris. “Have her come here and we will let Chris meet her directly to see what he thinks.  If he approves then you can tell her about a gig she has.  Deal?”

 “Deal!” Marylea replies excitedly.  

 ************************************************************************************************************************************************

 Lena rubs her eyes and stretches as she is one of the last ones to get off the plane. She didn’t think she needed sleep but apparently she did.  It felt to actually sleep soundly and not have to wake up every 45 minutes or so bc she was afraid something was happening with Eevee. 

 This will be the longest she has gone without her little girl and it is kind of uncomfortable. Only a week.  She continues to think of the benefits of having a week away and she isn’t really getting a lot of positives.

 Lena takes her cellphone out and messages everyone to let them know she made it safely and check on her daughter.  Once she knows everyone is ok, she breathes deeply and is enjoying the feel of the sun on her toasted almond skin.  She doesn’t need a tan but a little extra sun would be great for the full on J.Lo effect that she likes.  This is going to be a good trip.  I’m ready for new experiences and new friends.  Uber drops her off in front of a boring blue building, she texts Marylea to let her know she was outside and waiting for the key. 

 “Lena!!!  You finally made it here!”  Marylea shouts when she sees her bestie of ten plus years.  Marylea practically knocks Lena over in an embrace. “I’ve missed you soooo much!”

“I know!” Lena replies just as excited as her bestie. “I’m loving it out here already. It’s so much better than Charleston.”

“Now you see why I hate coming home sometimes.”

“I totally get it. So what time do you get off?”

Marylea thought about breaking the news to her or just letting her relax first. “Well I don’t get off for another few hours. You can hang here if you want. And ...”

“I don’t mind waiting for you and seeing how much of a big shot you are from a small town,” Lena replies. She wasn’t really tired the nap on the plane ride was plenty of sleep. At this point she was ready to explore. 

Hearing Lena say she has no problem with waiting for her made the stress in her chest relax. Might as well let her get her guard down then tell her, but it might be better to do it like a band aid.  “That’s great!  I may or may not have a project/favor to ask of you.”

“Shoot. Anything for you!” Lena replies with out thinking. 

“Are you sure?”

“Yes of course.  This is vacation right. What’s the worse you could ask of me?”

Marylea looks at her feet as they ride up the elevator. “Funny you should say that.... so you know this is my new job.”  Lena nods and keeps smiling. “Well, I may or may not of gave your name to be a date for a celebrity.”

“Excuse me?”  Lena relaxed smile went straight into a deer in headlights look. “You are shitting me right?” 

Marylea shakes her. “I shit you not.  They want needed someone who would go to a few functions this month with a client.”

“Ok but they couldn’t find a model or another actress?”

“See that’s the thing he requested someone who wasn’t in the industry.  He didn’t want a white or ambiguously racial lady.  He wanted someone real.”

“So you thought I would be a great person to fill those shoes?!?”  The elevator comes to a halt and Lena feels her blood pressure raising.  “I mean have you looked at me?  And I have a daughter. Who would want to date me?!?  Even if it is fake.” 

Marylea can tell Lena is having a small manic episode due to the fact she was speed walking down a hall way in a place she has never been in. “Lena calm down please. Everyone can see you!” She squeaks out, even though the outside of the building looks horrible the inside has been renovated with all glass walls which everyone can see.

Lena turns around and stops in her tracks. She is feeling stressed but, she doesn’t want her best friend to lose her job that she has worked so hard to get. “Yes yes. I’m sorry but have you looked at me lately and thought to ask me first?”

“You were on the plane.”

“Not the point,” she replies with a grin. 

Marylea tilts her head to the side and grins back,” would you rather have a smoke signal?” 

“Yes.”

“Smart ass.” To that Lena flips her off then hangs her head down. “Look I know you aren’t thrilled about it but, I figure this is a good stepping stone for me to start writing and not being a coffee runner.  Plus when I was told what they wanted I couldn’t think of anyone else but you.”

Lena’s face soften with happiness to know her best friend thinks that much of her. “What about Eevee?  I can’t be away from her for a month to do a ‘gig’. I’m stressed out from being away from her after 13 hours.”

“They already know you have a child and etc., and it’s not even guaranteed that he is going to be cool with this whole idea my boss has thought up.”  

************************************************************************************************************************************************

Chris nervously sat on Jeff’s couch as he waited for this mystery lady to show up. He knows that he asked Jeff for something of a miracle but he was starting to realize while he is waiting maybe he could have done a dating site. But he couldn’t kid himself he has been trying on and off for 3 years and every time he would think the lady was into him for him, she would start asking for help to “break in” to the business.  At least with the girl being Jeff’s assistance friend maybe just maybe she has no interest is the business. 

“Lena calm down!  Everyone can hear and see you!”  He heard Marylea whisper scream at a short messy bun wearing beauty speed walking down the hall way.  Chris couldn’t see her facial features but her body type was that of someone he wouldn’t kick out of bed. She had on ripped Bermuda shorts with an oversized button down yellow shirt that made her skin glow. He noticed she has a few tattoos showing. 

“Jeff.” Chris asked standing up stretching. “Is your mystery girl here yet?”  

Jeff looks up from his desk looking at Marylea and the mystery tattooed girl walk into her office. “Yeah, I do believe she just walked in with Marylea. What do you think so far?” 

Chris walks closer to the glass wall to get a better look at the girl even though she is still pretty far away. “ I don’t know. Maybe we can try. I still need to see her face to face and not from a distance.”

Jeff noticed the way Chris was focusing on the short mess bun wearing girl who was pacing around in Marylea’s office that he might have found something he likes. Granted the picture he was shown of the girl she was quite beautiful, hell she’d be his type if he wasn’t already crushing on someone else. 

“Well, I’ll get Marylea and Evangeline to come meet you for a few minutes and tell me what you think.  You know I’ll never make you do anything of this nature unless you want to.”  

“Yes I know.”  Chris replies still not taking his eyes of the girl pacing. Her body language looked like she was on the brink of a panic attack. 

************************************************************************************************************************************************

“Marylea.” Jeff’s voice came over the intercom and made both the of females jump attention. “Is your friend here and ready to meet him?”

Marylea quickly glances at Lena with pleading eyes and her clasped together. She sees Lena nod her ok. “Yeah she’s here and I’ll bring her to your office.”

“Ok great hurry up. Time is of the essence.”  Jeff said as the line when dead. 

“You know you owe me right?”  Lena looks at her while her hands are slightly shaking as she looks into the mirror. “By the way. . . You never told me who this ‘big shot’ was.”

“Don’t freak out ok?”

“Yeah, see saying that makes me want to not only freak out but panic majorly.”

“Lena.”

“Spill it Marylea.”

Marylea takes a deep sigh, “ it’s Chris Evans.”

Lena stood there a moment and took in who she just said. “Like Captain America Chris Evans?”  Marylea looks silently at her and slowly nods. “ no way on God’s green precious earth. Have you looked at me and have you legit seen him?!? “

“Look, Jeff thinks you would be perfect for Chris. Just meet him first. Please??”

“Fine let’s go.... this won’t last long. He’ll meet me and see what I’m in and immediately turn me down.”  Lena says as she links her arm with Marylea. 

“Stop thinking the worst. Please. You and I could really use something awesome happening to us.  Plus you are a smoking hot momma with a cute booty”  

Lena sighs deeply and leans her head on Marylea. “I know we both do but how do you know that this is it?  Like couldn’t we just win the lottery or something easier?  Something less stressful?!?” 

By the tone of Lena’s voice she could hear her friend was close to having a minor panic attack. She started breathing deeper so Lena could hear and start unconsciously breathing deep also.  This trick has always worked and apparently still does now. 

The pair stand outside of Jeff’s door for a brief second knowing the two men could see them. Marylea squeezes Lena hand and Lena gives her a nod of approval. 

Even with the nod of approval Lena is wondering why me.  Part of her is nervous because it was Chris freaking Evans, then the other part of her worries about what Ezra’s family thinks of her leaving Eevee for a week while she goes out with a movie star. 

Chris can see the nervousness of the messy bun golden brown skin goddess as she is tightening her grip on Marylea’s arm. Good to know he wasn’t the only one who was nervous. He got a better look at her, she had dark brown eyes, an adorably small nose, plump lips that looked kissable, and a diamond stud lip ring on the right side of my mouth. 

“Hello I’m Evangeline.” She stuck her hand out to Chris then Jeff. She gave them a strong handshake and nervous smile. 

“I’m Jeff and this is of course Chris.”  Jeff introduced even though they all knew Chris didn’t need to be introduced. The silence in the room started to go deafening and Jeff realized he needed to leave them alone to test the waters. “umm Marylea follow me to the board room will you?”

Marylea looked confused as to why they had to leave but she followed him out the room. 

“So.....you just flew in?”  Chris asks slightly nervous. 

“Umm yeah. Just an hour or so ago.”

“Was it a good flight?” He asks as she walks away from him to the window. She is maybe 5’5 if that, which is adorable. From what he count on her body that is showing she has about ten tattoos. Never dated a woman with that many she must be a badass. 

Lena can feel his eyes on her and she isn’t sure how she feels about this. Sure she has been checked out before but right now she feels like he might want more than just a date. “Yeah it was good. I slept most of the way so I consider it a good flight.”

“That’s good. So....”. Chris isn’t sure why this petite girl is making him so nervous. 

Lena turns around to look at him; if she didn’t know any better she’d think she makes him nervous like he makes her nervous.  She slowly crosses the room feeling his eyes on her the whole time. “So what exactly are you wanting or needing?  I’m not a call girl. I’m a mom. And isn’t there a model or struggling actress you could have  decided on?” 

Her bluntness shocked him and herself. She was internally shaking even saying it but, she didn’t have a chance to ask Marylea any of these questions.  Once it was all out she realized how rude she kind of sounded and that honestly wasn’t her character. “I’m sorry to sound so blunt and rude. I didn’t mean it to come off that way. I’m just .... I just ....” She stops again hanging her head in defeat, while plopping her body down on the couch next to the still stunned actor. “I’m just not sure I can be what you are wanting. This last year took a man who I loved very much away from me, I’m raising an one year daughter alone, I’m doing a week away from her and I guess I’m just not fully ready to come out of my shell even though I really need to.”

Chris sits there slightly stunned by everything she said. Honestly he couldn’t imagine how she is holding it all together but he admires that. “Well, I’ll be honest with you. I don’t want or need a call girl, model, or actress.  I tried dating sites but let’s be honest they are. . . “

They both look at each and say in unison, “horrible.”  They chuckle together and he continues.  “I just want some one different to spend some time with. Maybe go with me to a few events. Not as a girlfriend or anything but just a friend.  But if things develop I wouldn’t be upset either.” 

“Ok. That I could possibly do. But I have a little girl who comes first.”  Lena replies as she is slowly relaxing after his admission. 

“Oh I understand that you have a child and want her always to come first and I’ll help you in any way that I can.  Jeff said this was your vacation and I want you enjoy your time out here.  Maybe we could go to Disney one day,”  The look he gives her is meaning that he is honest about what he means. He isn’t sure of her whole backstory but he knows he is a smitten kitten with her genuine smile that lights up her whole face. “Can I see a picture of your little girl?”

Hearing all of this is slightly overwhelming and shocking to hear a man want to not only help out but also spend time with her daughter and want to see her. She smiles at him as she pulls her phone from her back pocket. “Umm let me find the most recent one of Evelyn.”  She shows him a picture that she took of her right before she left. She was in a blue polka dotted onesies with her hair in pigtails. 

He took the phone out of her hand examine the small infant who looks a lot like her mother with the same small nose and genuine smile. Her eyes and skin were a few shades lighter than her mother making him wonder if the baby’s father was white. “She’s absolutely adorable. So she will be here in a week?  Is she flying alone or with someone?”

“My in-laws are flying to Japan so they are flying to Cali with her for the layover.  I hope she is a good flyer.” She replies with a hopeful smile. 

“In-laws?  I don’t mean to pry but did you get a divorce?”  Chris asked before his mind would stop him. 

She knew that it would be asked sooner if not later. “No, he died in a car wreck right after Eevee was born.  I want her to know who he was from me and his side of the family, I keep the connection always open.  She’s their first grand child.”

He nods his head feeling like a dumbass for asking because he could see the slight bit of sadness come across her face when she was replying. With out thinking he puts his arm around her shoulder and gives her a hug. At first he felt her body tense by the sudden physical contact but she slowly relaxed in his arms. 

“Thanks.”

“Thanks for telling me. And just being honest.  I think that is why I needed help from Jeff because I just want to hang out and know someone genuinely. You know?”

“Understood.  Just odd that you would need help.”

“Really? Why is that?”

Lena bit on her lip ring finding the words to say not realizing that he thought she was absolutely adorable. “Well, let’s see. You are very handsome, and from what I’ve seen in the media an all around good guy.”

Chris blushes at her comment. He’s never been good accepting them and wondering if the person who says them are genuine or not. “Thanks. I try.”

A small silence happens between them but not in an awkward way.  “So, how are you guys doing?  What do you think?  Will this work for you Chris?”  Jeff says. The way he said it makes Chris slump, since it makes him feel like he has to accept to be polite even though he wanted to be linked up to her. 

Lena shifts her attention to Marylea who is giving her a hopeful smile.  This is worse then being picked for a team. “We are good. I think we are meshing really well.”

“Ok great!  We just have some paperwork to go over and need you to see his schedule and compare it to yours.” Jeff says as he crosses the room to his desk. 

“Paperwork?”  Lena and Marylea reply in unison. “What kind of paperwork?”

Jeff stops searching for documents on his computer to look at the two females. “Yes, paperwork. NDA meaning you won’t go to the press about Chris or any of his personal business.  Nothing to crazy and he can fill one out for you since you have a daughter.”

Chris looks at her, her expression is unreadable. He doesn’t do anything to be exposed to the paparazzi but he knows Jeff wants to be safe. “I’d rather her not sign it.”

“Umm excuse me?  Ladies I need a word with him. I’ll call you back in a few.”  Jeff says with a slightly frustrated look. 

The women nod and leave the room looking confused like Jeff. “Dude what’s that about?”  Jeff asks. 

“I trust her.”

“Maybe so but I think you should have her sign it.”

“I’d rather she not.  What if I end up with her?  I don’t want that to be a reason why she isn’t with me.”

“But you don’t even know her yet.”

“Key word is yet. I think we might actually be good together. If I don’t feel like it’s ok we can revisit it in two weeks”

Jeff sighs deeply and looks at the hopeful look on Chris’ face. “Fine. But two weeks and that is all.”

***************************************************************************************************************************************************

Lena and Marylea walked down the long hall way to Marylea’s office. Before the two got all the way to her office they hear heavy foodstuff coming their way. 

“Hey Evangeline! Wait up!” Chris says. 

“You guys done so soon?”  Lena asks with a questioning expression. “Ready for me to sign the papers?”

“Yes and no.”  The two women gave him confused expression.  “Yes we are done and no you don’t have to do the NDA.  I trust you.”

“Thanks.  I guess.”  Lena replies.  “So how does this all work?”

Chris shoves his hands in his pockets looking a little unsure.  “Well, we could lunch or dinner today if you would like.  I know you just got into town and I know you and Marylea will want to catch up.  Just figure a meal together to know more about each other and the events I have to attend.”

Marylea can see Lena’s body slowly grow tense, she knew Lena was probably going to put off hanging out with Chris as long as she could.  Before Lena could open her mouth, “How about your guys do lunch since I don’t get off work for a few more hours then afterwards us girls can have girl’s night.”

Lena turns her head and looks at Marylea like she has lost her mind.  “Yeah sure we can do lunch.”

“Great!  Let me tell Jeff I’m leaving and we will be good to go.”  Chris says cheerfully.

As soon as the door shuts, “Seriously?  What have you signed me up for?”  Lena says as she pulls out her mirror to make sure she looks decent to be seen out in public.

“You’ve signed up for a good time.  I promise it will be ok.  Just trust that it will be ok.  I think you guys will get along just fine.”

“Yes yes, but you owe me big.”

“I know.  Drinks on me tonight.”

Chris comes back to the office, “Ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.”  As the two leave Marylea’s office, Chris’ hand moves to Lena’s lower back to usher her out the room.  This will be ok.  This will be ok, she mentally chants to herself.

************************************

[themagicaltunaa]

Answer all the questions

well i have nothing to do so sure

1. What have you eaten today? 

some toast for breakfast, leftovers for lunch, and some cereal for dinner

2. Who was your last kiss with? Was it pleasant?

never kissed anyone, don't really care about that

3. What color shoes did you last wear?

light grey sneakers

4. Who has made you laugh the hardest in the last week?

Jeremy did, when I was watching his Alien Isolation stream on monday

5. What is your favorite scent?

I love the smell freshly baked goods

6. What is your favorite season? Why?

I love fall. I just love the aesthetic of the season, and my favorite holiday is during fall. I would love to experience it one day

7. Can you do a handstand or cartwheel?

lol nope. I was barely able to do it as a kid. If I tried now i’m pretty sure i’ll break something.

8. What color are your nails?

the regular pink color? I don’t paint my nails

9. If you had to get a tattoo on your face to save your life, what would it be?

aw geez, uhhh idk maybe like a tiny star or something

10. What is something you find romantic?

i dont know romantic things 

11. Are you happy?

eh

12. Is there anything in particular making you happy or sad?

no not really

13. Dogs or Cats?

cats. i like dogs too, but sometimes they’re too much to deal with. i’m more comfortable being with cats

15. Which do you prefer:a museum, a night club, the forest or a library?

museum

15. What is your style?

my style is “im trying”

16. If you could be doing anything you like right now, what would it be?

stay up all night to catch up on videos

17. Are you in a relationship or single?

single babeyyyy

18. What makes you attracted to the person you like right now?

nothing, because im not attracted to anyone

19. If you could replace your partner/best friend with a celebrity of your choice, would you? Who with?

i dont like celebrities

20. Are you holding on to something you need to let go of? If so then what?

i’m pretty sure i’m holding on to a lot of stuff, but I can’t seem to remember anything specific. if this question means metaphorically, the answer still works

21. How did you celebrate last Halloween?

I went to a drive thru haunted house with my 2 friends, and after we got some taco bell and went to the beach to eat our food. we sat there for like 10 minutes before it started to rain on us

22. Have you recently made any big decisions?

nope. I try not to in general , I hate having to make any sort of big decision because I starting stressing 

23. Were you ever in a school play?

I’ve always had stage fright so no

24. What movie would you use to describe your life?

uhhhh, I dont watch enough movies to pick one

25. Is there something you have dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? 

oh there’s plenty of things that I've dreamed of doing, but I just can’t do it because of anxiety 

26. Complete this sentence, “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”

I dont like sharing

27. What are two things that irritate you about the same sex?

uhhh idk? maybe the whole makeup culture thing? but it’s not like it irritates me I just don’t get it. I can’t really think of a second thing

28. What are two things that irritate you about the opposite sex?

too much to list

29. What is the best thing that has happened to you this week?

fuck if i know

30. What is something that makes you sad when you think about it?

can’t think of anything rn

31. How long was your longest relationship?

never been in one

32. Have you ever been in love?

pretty sure I have not

33. Are you currently in love?

nope

34. Why did your last relationship end?

see question 31

35. What jewelry are you wearing right now, and where did you get it?

not wearing any atm. actually, I just don’t wear jewelry in general

36. When was the last time you cried and why?

I think it was last week? I don’t remember why, it was probably something stupid

37. Name someone pretty.

the anon that sent me this ask

38. What did you receive last Valentines Day?

oh! I got a few gifts from my bestie :)

39. Do you get jealous easily?

no

40. Have you ever been cheated on?

no

41. Do you trust your partner/best friend?

sure

42. Ever had detention?

no because I was a good bean in school

43. Would you rather live in the countryside or the city?

city. the countryside sounds nice, but just the thought of being out in the middle of nowhere especially at night makes me nervous 

44. What do people call you?

by my name

45. What was the last book you read?

I do not remember. It’s been years since I’ve read a book

46. How big of a nerd/dork are you?

uhhh idk

47. What kind of music do you listen to?

anything that catches my fancy. I don’t really stick to one kind of genre

48. How tall are you?

my doctor said I’m allowed to say i’m 5′2

49. Do you like kids?

they’re alright. I can handle be around them for a bit, but I would never want to have any 

50. Favorite fruits?

watermelon, starfruit, and tangerines

51. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

jeans

52. What’s your earliest memory?

I was like 3-4, and I was at disney world with my family. I remember seeing a stage show of Bear in the Big Blue house, and I remember walking around ToonTown when it still existed

53. Ever had a poem or song written about you or to you?

i hope not

54. Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind it

55. Do you have a collection of anything?

I used to collect seashells as a kid and I still have some of the collection somewhere in my closet. I wanna start a new collection of something but idk what

56. Do you save money or spend it?

i try to save it

57. What would your dream house be like?

something cozy and not too big, with a cat or 2

58. What top 5 things make you the angriest?

its 11pm at the time of answering this, i really can’t think of anything to fill a list rn

59. What top 5 things always brings a smile to your face?

see the previous question

60. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

save the dog. i hate my job anyways so I don’t care

61. 72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

I would definitely tell my closest friends, and some of my family members, probably my mom’s side of the family. If I had the money to, I would like to travel to some places that i’ve always wanted to go to. I would have a month to accept that i’m gonna die so i think i would be fine. i’d rather get plenty of time to know i’m dying rather than like last minute. this has been a topic that i’ve been thinking of for a while now, not because I’m like thinking about death or anything, I just need something to kill time with at work

62. Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

a heart?

63. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

aw cmon, I can’t just think of stuff like that on the spot. I don’t even know where I would want to go

64. Do you like the beach?

It’s nice, especially in the early morning when everything is still calm and the beach isn’t packed with people yet

65. Ever sleep on the couch or a bed with someone special?

no? wtf does someone special mean?

66. Do you have a middle name? If so what is it!

Doesn’t everyone have a middle name? But yeah i do and i hate it so im not saying anything

67. Do you talk to yourself?

in my head all the time

68. Describe your hair.

brown, curly, very long because I haven’t cut it in almost a year, it’s very annoying

69. What is the meaning of life.

I wish i knew

70. What is your ideal partner like?

no one

71. Do you want to get married?

no

72. Do you want to have kids?

 ew no

73. Like or dislike your family?

 they’re bearable

74. Are you Chunky or Slim?

I’m more than chunky, i’m just straight up fat

75. Would you consider yourself smart?

lol no. I’m an absolute dumbass

76. What would you change about your life?

everything if i could

77. Religious or Not?

no not really

78. You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

I don’t drink so this would never happen

79. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

it sure isnt because no one is there

80. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

uhhhh no. I don’t really care tbh

81. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

idk

82. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

i’m not opening the door because no one is there

83. Do you like when people play with your hair?

ehh not really. It’ll just make it frizzy

84. Do you like bubble baths?

no

85. Have you ever been pulled over by a cop?

I need to drive in order for that to happen

86. Have you ever danced in the rain?

no. its not fun getting soaked in the rain

87. Do you trust anyone with your life?

not really? 

88. What was your first thought when you woke up this morning?

why does god allow suffering

89. If money wasn’t an issue, what top 10 places would you travel to? (You get to stay at each place for a week)

1.greece

2. peru

3.disney world only because I have not been to all the parks yet, also i can bug my brother while i’m there

theres a lot more but i’m too tired to fill out the rest of the list

90. How was your day today?

it was fine

91. Play an instrument?

used to play mellophone/french horn in band in high school. after I graduated I haven’t touched an instrument since

92. Describe the what you think of the ocean.

it’s scary

93. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts?

aliens as anything that counts as a living organism not of this world, not green little men from mars nonsense. the universe is too big for only life to be on earth. for ghosts, i’m still iffy about them, but that doesn’t mean i’m gonna start walking around haunted places and call the ghosts a bitch

94. Honestly, are things how you wanted them to be?

abosolutely not. every day I regret all the decisions i’ve made through my life. does that mean I’m trying to fix said mistakes or try not to do them again? lol no 

95. Do you have a mean bitchy scary side?

in my mind i do. I’m too scared of everyone to actually do it

96. When are you vulnerable?

always

97. How much free time do you have?

doesn’t feel like much. saturday and sunday go by way too fast and i feel like when i go home from work theres just not enough to relax. im tired all the time

98. Do you like to go hiking?

never been

99. Odd or Even Numbers?

even

100. Would you ever go sky diving, bungee jumping , cliff diving, wing suit gliding, parasailing, snorkeling, or other extreme activities?

no because I actually have self preservation. I am also a very big chicken

[tidtrek2020]

My names Mary Tidbury, I’m 21 and I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus Erythematosus and Antiphospholipid Syndrome when I was 14 years old. I’ve written my story; I really hope you all read it. Thank you in advance.

 On July 20th, 2012, my 14th birthday, I started to get bad pains when I breathed/ sneezed/ yawned/ laughed. I was away with my nan on one of her bowls holidays and I had a go at playing. On the final night of the holiday I started getting these pains when I breathed in and me being a young just turned 14 healthy child surrounded by all these older people who had aches and pains of their own, I bit my tongue and smiled my way through the night. Fast forward a couple of weeks and I’ve told my mum and dad about these pains at this point, so mums booked me a Drs appointment and dad has told me there’s nothing wrong I’ve just pulled a muscle from playing bowls. At this point the pain has increased I’m only taking short breathes, I learnt how to not sneeze, yawn and definitely not laugh. I went to the doctors and one of the first things they said to me was “it could be lupus, but then again you’re too young for that so we won’t test for it”. I would just like to point out in this moment that Lupus can affect anyone of any age. However, It mainly effects women of childbearing ages from 15+. I was one year younger than that age. Anyway carrying on, when I went to bed I had to find a comfy position so I could breathe normally and every night I would wake up and not be able to get comfy again so I’d wander the landing whimpering and crying about being in so much pain but not wanting to disturb anyone but also wanting everyone to wake up and take this pain seriously, I ended up having to sleep sitting up in a corner leaning against a pillow, it was the only way I could fall back asleep. Fast forward again a couple of months to end of October, I think I’d been tested for pretty much everything possible except for lupus. They finally after almost 4 months decided to scan my lungs. To which they found multiple blood clots on my lungs and it was extremely serious. It was then that they did the lupus test and found that I had SLE and APS. I would just like to say at this point I was only aware of the SLE. I was immediately referred to see a rheumatology Dr and the haematology Dr; I was but on Hydroxychloroquin by my rheumatology Dr and Warfarin and Fragmin injections by the haematology clinic. For a good few weeks I was making daily trips to the haematology clinic to check my INR it then turned to weekly when my INR was put in a range of 2-3 and I was taken off of the Fragmin injections. The clots had finally gone away and I was back to full health but left with an illness that no one knew about and so I felt very isolated and alone. I would play down the symptoms I was experiencing daily as no one around me knew what it was like to live with a chronic illness. So, it was a very lonely period of my life.

 In between 2012 and 2015 I started to fully get symptoms of lupus. I started to get bad joint pain, the worst of this was when I woke up one morning before school and I couldn’t move cos my hip was in so much pain. This does still happen occasionally, but I just need to take pain killers and it can usually help.

 Moving on to the end 2015, I’d left secondary school and I was working as a horticultural apprentice at a garden centre. I had been put onto Rivaoxyban in replacement of Warfarin. I started to get twitching movements in my right arm, I thought nothing of it at first I carried on with my life as usually over the next few months and into 2016 the movement I was getting in my right arm was worse than ever I had no control over it and my speech started slurring and my right leg had started moving involuntarily. I was signed off work and was undergoing tests left right and centre to try and figure out what was wrong with me, at first they thought it was a stroke so I was referred to a neurologist where I underwent numerous MRI scans and CAT scans but everything was coming back clear. I went back to my rheumatology Dr and was told that I had something called the Chorea movement. This is a flare up of lupus, I was put on Quetiapine which is an antipsychotic drug, and this suppressed the part of my brain that was telling my body parts to move and my speech to slur. By June 2016, I was back to full health and back working again and was taken off the Quetiapine.

 In this time also I was having double vision with my eyes. We think it was part of the chorea and I went to plenty of eye Drs but nothing. I still occasionally feel the pressure of it on my eyes, but it did slowly fade away in the end. But I’m still not 100% sure what that was as it was never confirmed.

 Moving on to 2017, now this next part I literally just don’t talk about because I find it very embarrassing but to be honest it was one of the scariest months of my life. In July I had been put on Sertraline, the Antidepressant. I was at a very low time in my life, and this was helping. Moving on to September of that year, being completely honest I also have PCOS (polycystic ovaries syndrome) so I never know when my periods are going to come, and I usually go 2 months between them. So basically, I started my first period since going onto Sertraline at the beginning of September. To cut a long story short, I bled for 4 weeks constantly and extremely heavily. I remember my mum and dad were away for the 1st 2 weeks and it was when my mum came back that I told her that I was worried because it just didn’t seem to be stopping, at this point I was very tired and had very little energy. A week later it was still going on but me and my mum had way before planned to go pick my brother Stanley up from Paris where he had spent a year as a cast member in Disneyland. 2 days before this trip I was sent home from work as I just wasn’t ok and my manager (who is luckily my bestie Lucy) saw this. However, this didn’t stop me from going on this trip with my mum.

 On Thursday 28th September me and mum travelled to Paris by car I pretty much slept the whole way, we got there late at night, so I basically just got out the car and then got into bed at the hotel and slept the whole night through. The next morning me and mum went off to spend the day at Disneyland Paris as Stanley could get us in for free, we went to Hollywood Studios where Stanley was and when he was on his break we went to queue to go on Crush’s Costa, we went through the backstage area and as we were 3rd in line I suddenly became really sick and dizzy. I turned to Stanley and I think I just looked at him ran back the way we came and threw up in the backstage area and went back outside to meet my mum. It was this moment I knew I seriously wasn’t ok. We carried on though and we stayed there for the entire day, I ended up in a wheelchair and I only went on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride but all in all I still had a really great day being surrounded by the Disney magic. I can’t really remember the next day I had very little energy left and just know that we went shopping and I got the cosiest trackies and slippers. 

 On the Sunday we came back home. I have flashes of what happened in this journey and my mum has always told me it was the longest and scariest journey. We had to make a detour on our way home to drop Stanley off at Warwick where He was starting Uni, I remember just sleeping the entire way. I literally had no energy I was so tired and felt so ill. I remember having to get out of the car so that they could unpack all of Stanley’s stuff but then I carried on sleeping. I vaguely remember waking up when it was just me and mum in the car and saying, “don’t take me to A&E, just take me home I’ll just sleep it off”. 

 Next thing I know we’re at the JR, mums telling me to get out the car and go book myself in she’s just going to park. I didn’t make it to the reception, mum ended up finding me in the ladies bathroom. I can’t remember how long I was waiting in A&E for, but I remember just wanting to lay down and sleep. They kept on taking me into rooms and getting me to lie on the bed so they could review me and then send me back out to sit on the chairs back in the waiting room. The 3rd time they did this I remember just thinking fuck off and let me sleep, I closed my eyes and he was like ‘ok you can stay there’.

 That night I was admitted to hospital and proceeded to have 2 blood transfusions, they immediately stopped my blood thinners and was taken off of Sertraline as they believed that this had interacted with the Rivaroxyban and caused this to happen. I was in there for around a weeks’ time until I started to feel a bit livelier. It took me around 3 weeks to fully recover. I was now completely off the Sertraline and they changed my blood thinners to Apixaban. 

 I’ve never said this to anyone, but this scarred me really badly and still does to this day. The fear I have whenever my period comes around and is really heavy. It stops me from doing anything, I panic constantly and for the week it goes on for my anxiety is sky high. I panic if it goes on for a little too long or if it doesn’t look to be slowing down. I remember the time I was literally knocking on deaths door and makes me really emotional every time I think about it. 

 On the 3rd January 2018, I was at work which at the time was in a restaurant so lots and lots of walking around and long hours. I was half way through a 12 hour shift just finished my lunch break and went back to work when I suddenly started to get cramp in my calf on my left leg, it would build up after I’d walked a while and I’d ignore it and it would eventually become unbearable and I had to stop what I was doing and wait for it to go. 

 This went on for 2 weeks before I was adamant that something was not right and I believed it was a blood clot, I’d had a previous clot, so I knew what it felt like. My mum took me to minor injuries in Abingdon and they refused to review me because I wasn’t injured. They booked me an emergency appointment with my GP, and we went straight there, I went in and I said to them I think I have a blood clot in my leg. They asked me several questions and did a Doppler test on my ankles to test if they could hear my pulse. They could. The Dr turned to me and said you haven’t got a blood clot we can hear your pulse fine; you’ve probably just got a sprain and should be fine in 8 weeks’ time. 8 weeks come and go and I’m still in absolute agony when I walk, I’ve been diagnosed with social anxiety anyway so social situations become non-existent because I became so terrified of having to tell people I needed to slow down or stop completely that I didn’t got out. I carried on working and bit my tongue and got on with it because that’s what you got to do! I went back to the Drs after 8 weeks as I was still getting cramp when I walked a short distance. I go through a Doppler test and they are now struggling to find my pulse in my left ankle. A week later I get a call from the Dr to say that they are referring me to the Vascular unit at the John Radcliffe. My appointment was booked for the 18th April but was cancelled and they had scheduled a new appointment in May. I couldn’t make this appointment as me and my eldest brother Will were going away for a month from the 10th May - 10th June to travel round Europe. I tried to get an earlier appointment so that I could be well for the trip, but this didn’t happen. The week before we went away, I went out for dinner with my parents and when I came home, I started to get a dead right leg and after about 20 minutes it finally went away. The next day at work I found that I was no longer getting cramp in my left leg, but I was getting it on my right. I carried on as I would as I was going to see a specialist after I got back. This trip was the best month of my life and despite being in agony I took plenty of codeine and powered through. I think this was the first time I didn’t let Lupus/APS flare up win (at the time I didn’t know it was a lupus thing but still) but usually I hole myself up and become very depressed (even more so than usual). But this time I was outside every single day and night and getting fresh air constantly. I got back on the 10th June and my appointment wasn’t scheduled until the 18th. Me and my sister Annie went to see Ed Sheeran at Wembley stadium on the 15th, coming out of that show I think it was the first time in the 6 months I’d been experiencing this pain that my sister actually realised how much agony I was in. We were walking back to the station I was powering through and pretending I was fine and speed walking; I just couldn’t do it I was on the verge of bursting into tears and sobbing and Annie looked over at me and she made us stop.

 At my appointment with the consultant on the 18th he performed more Doppler tests and he came to the conclusion that I didn’t have a blood clot everything felt and sounded fine. He was going to set up a scan for me just so they could look at my veins and arteries, but he was 100% positive that the scan results would come back clear...

 Fast forward to the 10th July, 3 days before I was due to have the scan me and my brother Stanley were going into Abingdon to do some shopping, we’d parked on the 3rd floor of the multi-storey car park. We got back to my car after walking up 3 flights of stairs and my right leg was fully cramped up, I sat in the car and said to my brother that we’re going to have to wait I need to let my leg to stop cramping. A couple of minutes turned to 5 and it still wasn’t going if anything it was getting worse. I’d gotten out the car tried walking it off, taken my shoe off but none of this worked, I was in complete agony I turned to Stanley and told him he would need to drive us home. I remember sitting in the passenger seat of the car with my eyes scrunched shut because I could feel tears coming but I just breathed through it, we finally got home and I hopped over to the sofa and as soon as I sat down I lead there and just remember letting out a huge wail of a cry and continued to cry my eyes out. I was in so much pain Stanley called my mum and dad and they came home from work. I remember thinking I can’t see an end to this pain, I was so scared, and I was even begging everyone to just make it stop. I was vomiting because of how much pain I was in. 

 The only way I can describe this pain is imagine getting cramp in your calf muscle, and imagine it not going and getting more and more painful, that’s what it was like. 

My mum had rung 999 and an ambulance was on their way. They finally got there, and they ran some tests on me and took me away to the hospital. I can’t remember how long I was waiting in A&E before a Dr saw me but I know before they did I had a cat scan of my legs, I was wheeled into a room where the on call vascular Dr told me I had 3 clots in the arteries in my legs. One on my right groin, one behind my right knee and one on my left groin. I was being admitted to hospital and needed emergency surgery to take the one out of my right groin. The next morning, I was first on the table. My mum was stuck in traffic trying to get to the hospital and I was sat in my room with all these Drs and nurses coming in drawing on my leg about what they need to do. I remember being absolutely terrified that I wouldn’t wake up and that I’d die without telling my family how much I love them. This without a doubt was the most terrifying hour of my life. Not even 5 minutes before they take me down my mum walks through the door and although I was terrified of what was to come, I’ve never felt so much relief. 

 The surgery luckily went really well. Later, that day they do a few more scans on me so they can figure out where these clots have started. They did an echocardiogram on my heart and saw something there but couldn’t get a good look at it, so they decided to look at it with a camera. I was heavily sedated so I would fall asleep and they could stick a camera down my throat. Knowing my luck of course the meds wore off 5 minutes to quickly and I woke up whilst they still had the camera down my throat. I was a very panicked experience and I think my throat was cut up for about a week afterwards.

 As a result of this scan they found a massive clot on my heart. At this point I was having infusions of heparin and was back on warfarin. Trying to get these clots gone. 

 I was in hospital for 16 days, one of which was my 20th Birthday. I spent 6 days in the vascular ward and 10 days in the heart centre before I was finally given the all clear to leave. This isn’t where this story ends though, I was still getting cramp in my right leg so In January 2019 I had minor surgery under local anaesthetic to sort out a narrowing in my artery behind my knee. I’ve also been left with scarring on my heart from the blood clot and will need to have my aortic valve replaced at some point in my life. 

Once my right leg was sorted and the cramp was no more, I realised that my left leg still was cramping up. I went for more scans and it was confirmed I needed major surgery again to remove the last clot.

 I went in on the 6th of November 2019 and was out by the 8th. Surgery went very well, I also can’t thank the nurse who was on every night I was there enough for how much she got me through, I was very distressed for the time I was there, and she was an absolute godsend to me! 

 I had a very tricky recovery from this op I was signed off for 2 months in total as my wound became infected. 

 I’m now happy to say that I’m fully recovered and in no pain.

 I just want to say I know there are a lot of people who are worse off than me but this is my story and it’s fucking shit and has left me both mentally and physically scarred. The last 8 years have been incredibly hard but I’ve hopefully come out the other end of it now, but I still find the memories painful and writing this has left me in tears as for some stupid reason I feel like I’m attention seeking when I talk about all this stuff and I’m really panicking about putting this out there. 

 Anyway, thank you for reading... 

 Peace out ✌🏼

https://www.lupusuk.org.uk/

https://www.mind.org.uk/

https://www.aps-support.org.uk/

[trex98dreams]

Chapter 5: New Kid

Y/N’s POV

I kept on staring at the ring Seokjin gave me until Youngji finally snaps me back to reality.

"You guys are seriously crazy in love with each other," she says. I smile.

"Of course, why wouldn't we be?"

After i finish class, me, Jackson, Youngji and Hanbin decided to hang at Mochi's. Hanbin said he'll be late since he had to help Dahyun on her transferring new students program and Dahyun had to fill so many form to be admitted here. Hanbin really is a one girl guy now. He take care of Dahyun well.

Jackson was surprised that morning seeing as my man had put a ring on me and he thought Seokjin had proposed, but i calm his anxiety down by explaining it's a promise ring. He's acting like that because he's afraid that we're going to wed first than him and Youngji. Jackson wants to be the first to get married after we graduated, so competitive.

I also told them about Seokjin's departure to Australia next week for 3 months and they are already upset since they like spending time with him. They felt sorry for me also since i'm not having a normal relationship with the guy i love and he's always away.

But it's always like this, i get to spend more time with them whenever Seokjin's away and he really depends on them taking care of me while he's off.

Jackson slurps his drinks.

"You know Y/N, yesterday, Hanbin asks me whether should he call Dahyun to make sure she's okay, or she arrived home safely. I was like..'what is wrong with this guy, he's so possessive' but then i wonder, sometimes, i'm like that too, i ask Youngji but she said i'm not possessive i'm just worried, what about you? Is Seokjin possessive too?" He asks me.

I look at him and think. "Maybe, but Seokjin is a good possessive. He looks after me a lot and he loves me so much maybe more than i can imagine. He's a real gentleman and i get really jealous when sometimes i go out with him, there's always girls that would flirt with him because of his good looks. But he would show them i'm his only one. Maybe Hanbin wants his relationship like that," i said to Jackson. He shrugs and stand up to get a drink.

Youngji looks at me. I look back at her funnily.

"What?" I ask her.

She giggles. "Nothing. It's just you look so dreamy when talking about Seokjin. I know he's handsome. No need to daydream honey, he's yours." I laugh and smack her arms.

Come to think of it, a guy like Seokjin is the kind that only exist in romance books. That's why so many girls fall head over heels for him. He has so many good quality about him already.

First, he had the looks. Oh wow, my main reason why i'm so lucky. He had those stylish swipe back jet black hair that i adored so much, not to mention, those gorgeous sculptured face. He’s the perfect package, with his broad shoulder and his sharp jaw, those charming dark brown eyes that gaze at me lovingly all the time that makes all girls go crazy. Oh! Not to mention those plump lips that i always love to kiss and his tall figure that makes me feel like i'm the shortest person alive.

Who can resist him?

Second, his personality. Seokjin is a calm, quiet and caring person. He's a soft-hearted guy and even that sometimes his joke is not funny or he dances badly, he always try to make me feel better. He is the most patient guy i ever met and he literally showers me with everything. I wonder why he choose me instead of millions of more gorgeous ladies out there.

I told him once, about my insecurity, but Seokjin quickly shut me by saying he thinks i'm perfect in his eyes. He said i'm much more valuable and worth it. So, whose the real winner now eh?

Jackson sit down as he bring our drinks with him. He looks at Youngji and remove a speck of dust from her hair. Youngji smiles and pinch his cheeks which makes him go 'ow' oh-so-cutely. He's really protective of her. Everybody can see it.

Youngji look outside. "Hey Y/N, where's Seokjin? Don't you guys have a date or something before he left again? It's such a short time you know, to have a date when you both are super busy with studying,"

I sipped my drink."Don't worry, we will have our date, he's at home sleeping right now, i didn't want to bother him because he looks so tired after he got here and he also cooks for our anniversary last night. He's amazing." I tell them.

Youngji smile and hold my hand, "You're super lucky."

Jackson smirks. "He's tired.. OoO, did you guys do something naughty last night? Well since it's your anniversary-"

"JACKSON!!" Youngji and me yells making him laugh.

"KIDDING! hahaha, oh come on, we all knew you lost your v-card to him, so what?" He said.

Seriously? Why does he knew all that stuff? Oh now i remember. He and Youngji are my besties. And besties tell each other all sorts of things.

I squint my eyes. "Can we not talk about my sex life, please? Seriously Jackson," i said. Youngji laugh hardly seeing me and Jackson bickering. But it's always like this. One moment we want to pull each other's hair and the next moment, we're friends again.

"Did he get tired of the plane rides or he get tired of you riding him?" He teases me.

"Oh come on! That's just disgusting!" I yell again, blushing this time. Yep, i lost my v-card to Seokjin. But i didn't regret it because i trusted him. He did ask me again and again am i sure, but i tell him i'm ready. That's when we... well.. 'do it'.

Youngji cover Jackson's mouth from talking again and he laugh silently. I shake my head looking at my crazy friends. That's when we heard noises and it was Dahyun and Hanbin coming towards us. They just arrived and Hanbin looks beaming as a sunlight.

"Hey guys," Hanbin said and let Dahyun sit beside me, facing Jackson and Youngji. He high fived Jackson and Dahyun giggles.

"So whatcha guys been talking about?" Hanbin asks. We look at each other and Jackson said,

"Y/N’s sex-life." I looked at him annoyingly while Youngji and Dahyun giggles. Hanbin cover Dahyun's ears.

"Don't let me poor innocent baby to hear guys, jeez.. she's new," he said. Dahyun gently removes his hand from her ears. "It's okay, i can get used to this love." She said. Hanbin blush at the 'L' nickname.

"Fine. Fine. They can be a bit pervert sometimes so bear with it. I'm going to get us a drink okay?" He said and left. We laugh hardly all together.

Youngji turns to Dahyun. "So how's things going on Dahyun? Have the transferring things settled?" Youngji asks caringly.

Dahyun nods. "Yup. Luckily, it will be settled today so i can start my class this semester quickly. Thanks to Hanbin of course, he helped me a lot. Showing me where the University's office and the buildings here, it's wonderful." I smiled at her. Can't believe she left her studies in Japan to study here,with Hanbin.

We listens as she tells how much she liked it here and with Hanbin around, she liked it even more.

"You know, this semester there will also be new students enrolled here. Some are transferred and some are in the exchange students program, me and Hanbin met one this morning, he asks Hanbin as he is new here and asks if Hanbin can show him around, just like me." She said smiling.

We all smiled. There's always new students here every semester, so there's no weird thing about that. Maybe Dahyun is a bit excited since she's not the only 'New Kid' here. "Well, that's great! I'm happy to meet some fresh new faces so i can-"

"Jacksonnnnn..." Youngji glare at him.

"Kidding sweetie, kidding," he laugh, Dahyun and me as well.

I held Dahyun hands. I'm happy because he can make Hanbin happy. Hanbin came and sit beside her, giving Dahyun her drinks. "Did you guys talk about me again?" He ask curiously. Dahyun cups his face. "No love, we're talking about me," and we laughed at her joke.

Seokjin came just in time for lunch as he took a seat besides Jackson, facing me. We all have a nice talk and i look at all of them smiling faces that makes me happy. I squeezed Dahyun's hand not long after and the attention was on me.

"Dahyun, welcome to our little crazy family," i said and she hugs me.

"Thank you for having me." She said gently. We all had a toast, hanging out for the rest of the day.

...

After spending 2 weeks worth with Seokjin, it's finally time for him to go for his exchange student program again. I was a bit upset but i'm used to sending him off. I don't want to send him to Australia for 2 months and have an argument that me and him rarely have one. So i kept on a smiling face.

"I love you, i love you, i love you jagi, don't forget to eat okay? Text me everyday and if your allowance is late again, tell me and i'll send some money for you to buy food and pay half of the rent, take care okay?" Seokjin said as he kisses me over and over this morning.

The memories flash by as i'm on my way home from the airport after sending him. I smile looking at his promise ring.

"Babe..don't worry. I'm gonna be fine. You take care. If you're busy it's okay if you didn't text me, i'll understand, if you get ill, call me ASAP okay? Don't hide it from me. I'll cure you with my voice."

He nods and hugs me for the longest five minutes of my life, pecking my lips and went off, waving at me like and idiot in love, both of us of course.

I smiles as i reached my apartment. The guys have said their goodbyes to Seokjin yesterday because they have class this morning and mine starts at noon. So i'm going home and take a nice shower to class today. Excited for a new day.

...

Jackson and Youngji is on their way to the cafeteria as i arrived. My class is in 1 hour, which I decided to eat first. I'm on my last semester here and if my pointer is high enough, i might be graduating with my friends. Just imagine,

Lee Y/N, Bachelor Degree in Business And Management.

Eomma is going to be so happy. She always told me that business is enlarging right now, if i graduate in that major ,i will easily get a job once i get out. Besides, it's my choice also. I find it fun to learn business and deal with customers. Seokjin's major is Business Accounting. He's almost the same as me with just a bit difference.

Hanbin is in my course also but we're in different classes, while Jackson and Youngji both studying Health Science and Fashion Design. I don't know about Dahyun, but i'm guessing she's majoring something about language by the way she showed us how fluently she speak Japanese to us sometimes.

As i sit down, Jackson is already lapping on his sandwich while Youngji is drawing something on her sketchbook. I put my bag pack beside me. I check my phone and that's when i notice 2 text message.

I smiled. He never did forgot to text me. I replied with the same xoxo and told him to take care. I opened the other one, and it's from Hanbin.

From: Oppa♡

Just arrived here.The weather's nice. Have a nice day Jagi, love you xoxo.

I closed my phone. By now Youngji had already kept her book and was focusing on the food.

From: Cool_GuyHanbin

Going to be late. I'm taking Dahyun and that new kid to show them around. Don't wait for us. Enjoy your lunch, P/S: Told Jackson to pay me back my ramyeon he ate yesterday.

"So?" She asks as she took a bite of her french toast. I look at both of them and said, "Hanbin's taking Dahyun and some new kid around campus, so, we may not be meeting them today,"

Jackson slurps his drink. "That's a relief, i don't have to see Hanbin toda-"

"And Hanbin told me you have to pay back his ramyeon you ate yesterday." I cut him.

He sneered. "So stingy, fineeee next time i'll pay," he replied to which I laugh.

I ate and as soon as i finish, i look at my watch, it's almost time for my class. I hurriedly pick up my books and hand my money to Youngji. I bid them goodbye and walk to my class which is around the building, a bit far from the cafeteria.

I walk and walk when suddenly, a guy accidentally bump his shoulder with mine. Maybe a new kid, that's why he seems so clumsy, might be looking for his class.

"I'm so sorry, i didn't see you-"

"It's fine, i didn't see you eit-"

His voice.

That voice.

I knew it everywhere.

Hell after all this years it still sound the same. Ringing in my memory year after year. As i properly look into the boy who bump into me, i froze.

Speechless.

Numb.

Pain.

He look just as shocked as i was.

"Y/- Y/N.." he stuttered. And it was confirmed.

It was him. That stupid bastard.

Park Jimin.

🍡

[brattywriters-anonymous]

Spectacle. II

@chaneajoyyy

Inspired by our favorite hip hop couple, Offset and Cardi.

I was arguing with my best friend about what he did on her rolling loud set. I’m just gonna write this with Erik x OC (Black! OC);

Erik is a rapper as OC is a rising star. They recently married and his indiscretions have been publicly known via social media, Erik makes multiple attempts to make up for it.

June, 2018:

Erik Stevens, Stage Name: E. Kill. 31 years old. Married to Raelynn Stevens (Maiden, Johnson) They share one child, a 4 month-old Named Kire (Pronouced KYE-REE) Stephens.

Raelynn Stevens, Stage Name: Rae. 29 years old. Married to Erik Stevens. She and Erik share a daughter, 4 month-old Kire Stevens.

December 1, 2017

I woke up to the sun was on the opposite side of the house so I knew it was around 4 or 5 in the afternoon. All I could hear was a whispering back and forth between Shawna and Erik.

“I been calling her! I thought she was gone! I damn sure didn’t think she would wreck my shit!” “What did you think was gonna happen? You thought you were gonna come home to a home cooked meal, decent conversation, and some pregnant pussy? You had an affair, Erik. That’s worse than just fucking some slide tossing her some hundreds and never hearing from her again. You had this girl around you. You traveled for this girl. You traveled with this girl. You didn’t even tell Rae everything.” “If I told her everything, she’d burn this whole damn house down! You know that Shawna.” I shoot up from the couch yawning.

“Tell me what?” I direct the question at Shawna. Erik shoots over to me, bending to check on me, “Hey baby, how you doing?” My husband attempts to grab my hand, I push his hand away with my bandaged right one. “I wasn’t talking to you. What happened to my hand?” Shawna sits next to me, “Hey babes, don’t worry about all of that right now. How’s Kire?” I rubbed my belly, “She woke me up so, she’s good.” Out the corner of my eye I see Erik reaching out for me. “N’jadaka. Do yourself a favor, don’t touch me.” He stands up, “How you wanna move forward Rae? Because I love you. I want my family. Give me the chance to fight for it.”

It’s not until Shawna hands me some toilet paper that I realize I am crying, “I need time. Get out.” He grabs a bag I’m sure he packed while I was sleeping and exits through the front door, as he opens the door, paparazzi floods our front porch. I hang my head low, mortified and wondering how I’ll ever get out of my home. “How am I gonna get through this?” My bestie comforts me in a tight hug, “With help, mami. That’s how. Ya team gotchu baby. Believe that.”

--

December 2, 2017

My assistant Nessa strolls through my backdoor, knowing paparazzi weren’t that indecent to bum-rush my backyard, in awe. “Damn Rae, what happened in here?” I fold my arms shrugging watching TMZ covering my family’s demise for a second time. “I blacked out by the time I was swinging at the records in there”, I nonchalantly point at the dining room. She turns her attention to that, “Daayym! Did somebody burglarize ya spot?” I shake my head, “Nah. I did this. Fucked up that r8 in the garage too.” “What happened? You wouldn’t just do this finding out what happened with that chickenhead.” She holds her hands out looking for answers.

“E came home.” She sucks her teeth, “Forty-Eight Hours Later!” Her spongebob commentator accent makes me crack up at her silly ass, “I needed that” She clings onto me, “I know, boo. I’m sorry he had to be an asshole. How’s the baby?” “The baby is fine!” I succeed in keeping the sex a secret from my assistant, once again. “Dammit, I’m gon catch you off guard! I hope it’s a baby girl so we can get her fly like her momma!” I blush at her correct guess, “Anyway, let me work a miracle. Go take a seat!” I stroll upstairs to retreat back to my baby’s room.

--

When I reach the top of the steps I looked at the closed door to our bedroom, it had a folded paper in between it. I snatch it out of its place, it was a photo of our wedding picture we took after we eloped in the chapel in Las Vegas.

“Baby lets just do it!” Erik’s tipsy slur was apparent, “Do what, N’jadaka?” “Let’s get married babyy. Be my wife!” “Nigga, what?” He got on one knee in the middle of a busy Las Vegas strip, “You know I love you baby. More that I’ve ever loved any woman. I’m tired of spending time without you! We on tour at different times, back in LA at different times! I’m ready for us to live in our home. I’m ready to put a baby in yo fine ass, Rae.” I protested, “I think not! Boy, you tried it!” He sucked his teeth, “I’m gettin’ yo ass pregnant! Anyway, I’m ready to spend the rest of my life witchu babe. Let me make an honest woman of you tonight.” He pulled out my ring, “Baby, it’s just a band!” He shrugged, “Since we getting married tonight, I figured we’ll work our way up to the wedding ring.” I giggled, “Cocky ass, you just know Imma say yes?” “Will you?” I nodded, “Yes. Yes, N’jadaka!”

I love you. I love Kire. I love our family. Please don’t give up on us.

E.

I swing the door open, “Shawna!” “Yes?” “Can you come up here please?” She met me in my room, “What’s up Rae?” “What was everything that E didn’t tell me?” she sighs, “Uhm, have a seat.” “I’m so tired of people telling me what the fuck to do! I want to stand! Tell me what he’s done, Shawna. Please? I can’t know what I’m doing if I don’t know everything!” She leans on the dresser. I hear my google alerts go off, “Has Rae fallen off the edge? What the fuck?” I click the notification which had a picture of the damaged r8 rolling out of our garage. Nessa jets to my room, “Girl. I had to get that car to the dealership! I’m sorry, they’re closing in less than an hour and if I didn’t get it there today it wasn’t gonna be ready until after the holidays.” “No. No. You good Ness. You’re doing your job! Thank you.” She exhales a sigh of relief, “Okay, cool. What’s going on though? Feels like I’m missing something.”

Shawna clears her throat, “Uhm.. So E. Solace didn’t expose everything that happened. She didn’t wanna publicly put that out, she wanted to have a conversation with you.” “With me? Tuh! The broad has nothing to say to me.” Shawna continues, “In May, she found out she was pregnant.” I blinked a few times, “Excuse me?” “E fucked up Rae. He got her pregnant. He immediately told her to get an abortion, her being an IG model and scared that a pregnancy was gonna ruin her image, she went through with it in July.”

--

Erik’s POV

I turn on my TV to see my wife being bombarded by paps on TV, her round shape shades covering her eyes, “Rae, have you decided what you’re gonna do about E’s indiscretions?” “Rae, are you gonna get a divorce?” “Rae, did you speak with Solace?” She ignored every inquiry walking into the Beverly Center. I get a notification on my phone, a text from Shawna, “E. Rae’s new number is 310-021-2231.” I texted her.

I’m on my way. Meet me at Farmhouse, please?

Rae Bae: Yeah. LMK when you get here.

That was simple. Too simple. Mac emerges from his kitchen, “Wassup, homie?” “I’m about to meet up with Rae.” He stops in his path, “Woah, you sure she not gon come at you with a bat?” I flinch at the mention, “Man, nah. We in public. She not gon go off the handle like that!” “Man whatever! Rae Rae went cray cray and whooped yo ass! And the r8?! Your other bae?! That was petty. She bought it!” I shake my head, “I think that’s why she destroyed it. She knew I had ol girl in it.” “My nigga.. I know you not that dumb.” “Yeah. I am.” Mack palms his face, “Wow.. Just... wow. Well, good luck on that meeting. I’d keep my distance. Sit at the longest table they got in that bitch!”

My phone rings, I see my wife’s face on the screen.

--

Rae’s POV

I’m just having the week from hell! My husband’s been cheating on me, it’s in the public eye, I got shows to do for the next month, I need to get in the studio, and now I lost my phone somewhere in this damn mall! This stress and prego brain has taken my irritation to an all time high. “Are Rae and you gonna work things out? Is she pissed off at you? Where are those bruises from, man?” N’jadaka simply answers, “Look, I’m having dinner with my wife, Hope you have a good evening.” I turn around to see him waving off the cameraman, “Hi.” “Hello, beautiful. How you holding up?” “I’m alright. Lost my phone today, but I’m good.”

N’jadaka digs into his pocket and pulls out my phone, “You left it in Saint Laurant. An employee used a picture of you to unlock it and called me.” “You get her number too?” He nudges me, “C’mon Rae. You know I didn’t.” “Whatever, Your daughter is hungry. Let’s go.”

--

The tension in the private room is so thick, it can get cut with a phone charger cord. I requested the waiter leave us a pitcher of water so he wouldn’t have to come in back and forth to check on us. Because I don’t need my business being spread all over the tabloids regarding my private life.

“Baby, talk to me. I haven’t ever seen you so quiet.”

I take a large piece of salmon and engulf it, “You got her pregnant.” “I--” “Think about your answer..before you think about lying.” he sighs, “I did.” “Did you tell her you were leaving me?” “Rae, it don’t matter--” “IT DOES MATTER, N’JADAKA!” “I didn’t tell her I was gonna leave. I told her that we weren’t as serious as we were in the beginning.” Erik is sitting on the opposite end of the dinner table, on purpose I’m sure.. That doesn’t stop me from trying to throw a plate at his head. The plate clashes with the wall, “Oh, so being married and having a child on a way isn’t serious to you?” I chuck the silverware at him, “I can’t fucking believe you!” “I was telling her what she wanted to hear! It was words with no action behind it!”

“Why? Why did you do this to me? To us?” He hangs his head low, “I’m scared. I’m scared of this fatherhood shit. I know I foreshadowed this when I proposed, but it becoming a reality is freaking me out. I guess I was running from it. I called it off with her before our shower.” I take one final bite of my meal, “It’s funny how you say you’re scared. You’ve been to every doctor’s appointment, you’ve been talking to her, reading to her, singing and rapping to her. You’ve been the father that she needs. And behind my back, you haven’t been the partner I need. You’ve been cheating on me my entire pregnancy. Now all of a sudden as of last month, you want your family? Nah. You gon have to show me. Until then, stay where you at. I’ll sync our calendars before I leave for doctor’s appointments. Other than that.. I’ll mail your shit to Mack’s place.”

“Are we over? We throwing away two years like that? Over some hoe I don’t even want?” “Don’t ever forget, YOU DID THIS.” I sync our calendars as I finish my statement. “Don’t contact me. When I need to see you, I’ll let you know.” I rise from my seat, flip over my plate and exit, stage left, through the restaurant’s back door, avoiding paparazzi.

--

Okay, III Is going to be the last one (I promise! It’s gonna tie everything together and Rae’s POV between how E got her back... ya’ll gon see, ya’ll gon see.)

[ofstoriesandstardust]

Can I pls request an imagine with Alex standall for prompt 19. “I just need a hug.” :)

A/N: I can not tell you how unbelievably excited I was to see this in my inbox! Partially because the 13 Reasons Why fandom is slowly disappearing and I’m more than happy to try and bring a little bit more life back into the fandom and partially because I didn’t expect anybody to request from my prompt list! The requests I got have been overwhelming so give me your patience while I try to write all of these! (But don’t let that stop you from requesting; I just need time!!!) Also, I think this is the longest imagine I’ve ever written???

Word Count: 2,316

Warnings: Angsttttt (but happy ending-ish), Swearing (but honestly if you watch this show is that even a warning???), Death, Underage drinking,

Not Okay

Your longtime best friend Jeff stood in the doorway of your room as he tried to persuade you to go to Jess’ end of summer party. You and Jess knew each other through a few classes and had hung out at Monets a few times,  but didn’t start to get close until you had started to date Alex Standall. Because Alex and Justin were so close, you and Jess had started to hang out a lot more in group settings and that soon blossomed into a beautiful friendship. However, a few weeks ago, you had broken up with Alex- well, technically he broke up with you. You two were going through a rough patch in your relationship and rather than stay and fight for it, he walked away. Since then, Jess had been closer to you than ever before, as she understood your pain on a personal level. Jess had already tried several times to get you to come out to this party fo hers, but you knew Alex would show up and you couldn’t face him sooner than you would have to, what with school starting in a few days. You stood next to your closet, putting away some laundry as Jeff pleaded with you to go. “Y/N, please. Leah is sick and can’t go; I can’t show up to the party alone.” Jeff complained as he leaned against your doorframe. You chuckled and continued putting clothes away.

“Yes, you can. You’re Jeff Atkins.”

“Y/N, please?” Jeff asked again with a sigh. You groaned and turned around to face him with your hands on your hips.

“Is Alex going?” You watched as his face changed as he tried to come up with an acceptable answer.

“I don’t know… maybe… probably… yes.” He finally admitted to you.

“Then I don’t want to be there.” You said, shrugging your shoulders as if it was the most simple thing in the world. He groaned and pushed himself off of your doorway and for a brief moment, you thought you had won.

“Y/N, I am so sick and tired of you sitting around here moping. Sure Alex broke up with you. But HE broke up with YOU! It’s his loss, not yours! You need to get out of this damn room and have some fun, drink a little, kiss a boy! So you’re going to that party, no excuses! Alex was not a forever thing! He’s a high school douchehole who doesn’t care about you! He walked away from you so you have no excuse to be sitting around, throwing a pity party for yourself! Get over yourself and move on!”  You stood in shock for a few minutes. Jeff was a generally kind, calm dude and you had only ever seen him angry a few times in the 16 years of friendship, and he even liked Alex.

“Douchehole isn’t a word.” You muttered and Jeff threw his hands up in the air. “Ok, ok, fine! I’ll go to the stupid party!” You grumbled.

-

An hour later, the two of you sat in Jessica’s driveway. You looked at the house in contempt; you were regretting giving in to Jeff right about now. You two walked up to the door silently and Jeff knocked. He looked over at you and sighed while you stood with your arms crossed, glaring at the door. “Hey, look, I’m sorry about yelling at you earlier. You didn’t deserve that. I should’ve been more understanding, I just can’t keep watching you beat yourself up over this because you deserve so much better.” he apologized, giving you a sincere look. You sighed and turned to him.

“Don’t be sorry. I kinda deserved it and I needed to hear it and much better you than someone else. Lord knows I’d probably only listen to you anyways.” You said, with a slight chuckle at the end.

“Are you sure?” He asked to which you nodded in response. He pulled you in for a hug and you wrapped your arms around his tall frame. “Still friends?” He asked, laughing.

“Always.” You laughed along with him. You both turned to the door as it was finally opened. Scott came into view and his smile grew when he saw the both of you. Jeff and Scott bro-hugged and Scott gave you a side hug as you walked into the Davis home. He leads you to the kitchen, where you found Zach, Justin, and Jessica.

“Look who I found!” Scott announced as you walked into the kitchen. The three cheered as they saw you. Jess was the first to run over to give you a hug, followed by Justin, then Zach.

“Didn’t think you’d make it!” Zach exclaimed and you laughed.

“It’s not a party without me and my charm, Dempsey.” Everyone laughed until you felt a pair of eyes on you. You turned around at the sight of your friend’s gazes. There stood Alex, with Clay behind him, who looked extremely uncomfortable. You locked gazes with Alex, but quickly turned away and cleared your throat. “So where’s the alcohol?” you questioned.

“Oh my God, Y/L/N, drinking??” Justin questioned, laughing. You laughed with him and playfully shoved his shoulder.

“Shove it, Foley.” He slung an arm around your shoulders, chuckling.

“Come on, it’s out back. I’ll show you.” You two made your way to the backyard and you stood awkwardly next to the keg as he poured you a drink. He handed it to you as he poured himself one. “How are you holding up?” You stared at the drink in your hand.

“I’m here, aren’t I?” You asked rhetorically, avoiding his gaze. He once again slung his arm around your shoulder, chuckling.

“And that in itself is a miracle.” He said, causing you to giggle. “Come on, drink up.”

-

Two or three hours later, you stood out on the front porch, enjoying the cool breeze and just gazing at the stars. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Alex talking to a few kids from school but you don’t think he had noticed you yet. You stood there soaking in the peace until you heard your name being called. You looked out to see Alex, who was now standing only a few feet from you. “We need to talk.” He stated harshly and you felt the eyes of the few people outside on you. You walked down the front steps.

“Fine, talk.” you said, putting your hands on your hips.

“I can’t believe you.” He seethed.

“What the hell are you talking about Alex?”

“Oh, come on, we’ve been broken up for like 2 weeks and you’ve already moved on. Please. You’re such a slut.”

“Excuse me?” You asked incredulously.

“You know, I always thought you had a thing with Jeff while we were dating but God, I mean, he has a girlfriend, (Y/N).” At this point, it became very apparent Alex was drunk.

“W-what?”

“But you know, you never needed me. You’ll just whore it up with the entire baseball team to get over me? Fine by me. Go. I don’t need a bitch like you anyway.” you stared at Alex in shock.

“Standall shut the hell up.” Jeff’s voice came from behind you and you turned to see Jeff standing with Clay on the porch and coming around from the back of the house was Zach and Justin.

“You know, you should probably tell your little bestie Jessica that you’re gonna sleep with her boyfriend. She’ll hate you really quickly. God, you’re just like Hannah. The school slut. Go whore it up with Justin; let Jessica come running back to me. I always loved her anyway. I don’t give a damn about you. I never loved you.” Ouch. that one hurt… a lot. You had always been insecure about Jess and Alex’s history, but Alex always assured you he was happier with you.

“Standall, I’m gonna kick your ass so hard…” Justin yelled as he moved toward Alex. Zach drunkenly tried to hold him back.

“Justin.. don’t.” You mumbled, voice thick with tears. You turned away from the boys and began to head down the street. God, how you just wanted to hid and never come back to this shitty ass town.

“Clay… Clay… I don’t have time for this.” You heard Jeff say and for a moment you thought to turn and wait for him but your feet kept moving, wanting to get as far away from Alex as possible. Clay said something back but you didn’t quite hear it. “Clay, I had two beers, two hours ago. I’ll be fine.” Soon enough, you heard footsteps and paused as the slightly out-of-breath Jeff came into view. “Damn, you’re a fast walker.” It was at this point that you realized you were crying. Jeff pulled you into his chest, wrapping his arms around you. You had no clue how long you stood there but Jeff held you in his arms until you could cry no more.” You slowly pulled yourself away from his embrace and wiped your eyes.

“I’m going on a beer run; do you want me to take you home on the way? I can even come over after I drop the beer off.” Jeff asked gently. You looked up at him.

“Jeff, haven’t you been drinking?” You questioned, more concerned about his safety then getting home. He sighed.

“Like I told Clay, I had two beers, two hours ago. I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?” You questioned. You had a weird feeling about all of this.

“Yes.” He insisted. “Do you want me to take you home?” You shook your head, both in response and an attempt to clear yourself of this odd feeling.

“I really just need to clear my head.” Jeff looked uncertain.

“Alright, well if you need anything call me, ok?” He said, pulling you in for another hug. You nodded, breathing his scent and shutting your eyes shut. Every red flag in your head was going off and you hugged Jeff even tighter. “I love you, (Y/N/N).”

“Love you too Jeff.” He pulled away and headed back down the street to where his car was. You watched him walk out of view and then turned back in the direction of your home. Another 20 minutes or so passed as you walked home in the silence. All of a sudden, you heard a screeching noise and then a crash. Your curiosity got the better of you and you headed towards the noise. As you approached the scene of the wreck, Clay came into view. “Clay?” You questioned as you moved towards the oh-so-familiar car, you recognized the boy sitting in the front seat. And at that moment, the sky seemed to fall in on itself.

-

And when the sun rose that morning, the news of the tragedy that had occurred in the darkness of the night came with it. It had been two weeks since that horrific night. You had felt so numb since you watched the ambulance take away Jeff’s lifeless body and the true pain of losing him hadn’t hit you, even at the funeral. You sat on your bed, mind at a blank. You heard footsteps and you looked up to see Alex. Strangely, you weren’t angry with him anymore. Jeff’s death had overridden every other little thing, including what Alex had said that night. “Look, (Y/N), I am so incredibly sorry. I was drunk and I didn’t mean a word I said. I didn’t even know what I said until Scott told me the next morning. I was so scared that you’d move on, that you’d see me the way I see myself and I just got so terrified that I left you before you could hurt me. But I never meant to hurt you and I feel so awful that I did. But I’m going to be here for you through this in any way that I possibly can if you’ll let me.” Alex spoke and you looked at him for a brief moment.

“I just need a hug.” You said, standing up. Alex moved towards you to bring him into his arms and at that moment, the grief of losing your best friend since birth hit you full force. You let go of everything as Alex held you close. The concept of time seemed to slip away as you grieved. Alex held you through every heart-wrenching moment. Even after you had stopped crying, Alex continued to hold you as you listened to the comforting rhythm of his heartbeat. The more you thought about that night, the more you realized that it could’ve been you. If you had agreed to let Jeff take you home, it could’ve your lifeless body Clay found. It could’ve been your funeral Jeff attended. And in all of this, you had realized that you were no longer angry with Alex. You just wanted to be with him; you couldn’t lose him too.

“(Y/N), I am so sorry. About everything, About what I said, about Jeff, I just…” He mumbled into your hair but you stopped him from getting very far.

“Alex, it’s ok.” You said, even though you knew that was the farthest from the truth.

“No, it’s not. It’s not ok. Nothing is ok.” Alex said, pulling out of the hug and looking you dead in the eye.

“You’re right, nothing is ok. But you don’t need to keep apologizing for what happened. It could’ve been me instead of Jeff that night and I can’t keep living like I don’t still love you. And I need you more than ever right now.” You said, and you began to feel yourself tremble at the weight of everything.

“Ok.” Alex whispered, pulling you close again. “Ok. I’m gonna be here until you’re ok again, no matter how long that takes. I promise.”

[lunarrpmemes]

Adventure Time: Elements Starters

Skyhooks

“That was definitely the longest adventure we’ve ever done.” “Let’s go take hot showers!” “Look at this fish. It’s... gummy?” “We’ve gotta get to the bottom of this hot shower.” “Home always looks different after a long trip.” “Everything being pink is probably not a big deal, and also I’m tired.” “Why do you worry so much, worry baby?” “Don’t worry, we’re only teasing you because you’re a baby.” “Hey! You look like me!” “Welcome, stranger! It’s so cool that you’re inside our house!” “We’ve obviously stumbled into an alternate dimension where everyone’s a different version of themselves. Yawn.” “I’m in control of my emotions.” “Drink up, babies!” “I used to have a LOT of fear and sadness - but now I’m FINE!” “No! That is body juice.” “What’s that? Do you spurn my fluids?” “Looks like someone’s feeling a little SOUR.” “Stop striding! It just keeps you agitated!” “Hey! You’re meat!” “They look so happy. Like dogs.” “Something smells nice. Nice and toasty.” “She’s everywhere.” “You fixed ‘em? But they’re your friends!”  “Goodbye, boys! It’s better this way!” “They’ll be back. They have nowhere else to go.” 

Bespoken For

“Why does it look like a four-way pizza?!” “Everyone is not dead. It’s much worse.” “What am I gonna do without my besties around?” “Bird watching sounds cool.” “I’m going out to get some magic ingredients.” “Cool. Bring me a snackie.” “You a toucan?” “I’ve tried so hard to help you.” “It’s saddening, it’s maddening, I’m rapping, and- and--” “No, I don’t remember who she is. But I know how to find out.” “It’s okay. I know you don’t remember me.” “Hey, wanna go on a date with me tonight?” “I think she might be an exotic bird.” “You need to get a nice bespoked suit.” “No, that’s just the muumuu, dawg. I’m jacked.” “Pretty fly for an ice guy.” “I’m really into skulls and old teeth in jars, too.” “Well, that was terrifying.” “Maybe you’re going after someone who doesn’t exist anymore.” “Why not take him as he is? After all, you’ve been through a lot of changes yourself.” “It sounds depressing when you say it that way. Think of a different way to say it.” “I don’t wanna be that guy who just hangs out with his girlfriend all the time and doesn’t see his friends... Man, I wanna be that guy so bad.” “These are some low-grade fairies.” “Where did the weird lady go?” “I wonder if my roomie has any more of these soothing donuts.” 

Winter Light

“We’ll enter via the sewer line.” “This is a place mat from a seafood restaurant - and this word search is way too hard!”” “I made these sweaters and ear muffs for you guys. They’re bespoke.” “It’s a lot colder now, too.” “Oh, I get it. The top one’s fake.” “This is crazy. It’s like being at the bottom of an ocean.” “Ice to meet you.” “You betta believe it, bucko.” “Do you wanna come with us? We’re on a secret mission.” “She’s, like, ruined the whole world and all our friends.” “Yes, I draw elves. It’s what I like to do!” “It’s not a sewer, but it’ll have to do.” “Oh no, you have an icicle. You look like your kids!” “Back in my old basement, where it all began.” “Cool boy say what?” “They denied their precious birthright.” “Instead of embracing their powers, they were overrun by them.” “Monstrous. Like life itself.” “If you’re so upset about this, you should fix it.” “The universe is an abyss of suffering.” “Best Friends Gang, retreat!” “Everyone leaves, except me. I remember Father made me stay at the table until all the eggs were eaten.” “Well, that sucks and I hate it.” “The goose... Is loose.” “My mystic soup is great for combating Ice Magic.” “I feel drained like a dirty bath tub.” “Ancient magic was actually my major.”

Cloudy

“Woah, neat-o.” “Graduate student? What the heck is that? You graduated, but you’re still a student? Doesn’t make any sense.” “Can the Dog do anything about this?” “What are you doing? Swaddling me?” “Look what happens when you go to sleep!” “Turn around! I can’t go when you’re looking at me.” “Yes sir. I sure like cuttin’ hair.” “All this stuff happened because I acted selfishly.” “I was talking about important stuff!” “I’ve been trying to distract you from all this, but that doesn’t mean I’m happy with the way things are going!” “You know what I’ve been thinking? What if we’re dead?” “I try to keep my worries hidden, but where does that send ‘em? To my kidneys? That can’t be good.” “I can get into that. Maybe when I’m thirty-five.” “I don’t care, don’t look in this direction. It makes me feel like you can hear my most private business.” “Since when is it such a hassle just to take a whiz?” “Are you being digested in there?” “Thanks for not digesting me.” “Nothing happened to us, so now we get to fix it.” 

Slime Central

“Here’s some trail mix for the road.”  “They’re two wack-a-doodle peas in a wack-a-doodle pod.”  “Something about it makes me feel weird in the ethics.” “You don’t wanna stare at happiness too hard, yaknow? Cuz it stares back, man...” “This smells like a locker room for a dead fish.”  “Okay, you look dope.”  “You guys on a team, yet?”  “No, you can’t be on my team!”  “You got something to say?”  “As always, the prize is absorption into the body of our bumpin’ leader.”  “Skate to assimilate!” “Isn’t assimilation amazing?”  “It might be comfy, like a hug that turns you into a hug.” “She can’t absorb us if we’re self-absorbed.” “You need a three person team to compete, and I’m taken.”  “But I’m the plucky underdog!”  “No, you’re just terrible.”  “No, wait! Discontinue the beat!” “They love me! I’m a true Cinderella story!”  “Today’s losers will now be punished with shameful absorption.”  “It’s like being in a warm bath full of snot.”  “It’ll work out somehow.”  “May as well give in to it...”  “This isn’t an uplifting underdog ending.”  “I’m not assimilating!”  “She’s gonna be rejecteeeed.”  “No, I totally faked it.”  “Even though I shoplifted this super cool outfit, I still didn’t fit in...”  “I guess I don’t fit in anywhere.”  “Whatever happened, he was always like... ‘it’ll work out.’“ “Stop being so selfish, I’m the one hurting here!” Happy Warrior“He’s probably having fun, and doing way better without you.”  “Your laugh is really annoying.” “Don’t talk that way about the skyhooks!” “Please keep your hands and bags away from the cloud’s edge.” “Don’t torture yourself! And don’t drop your phone into Fire Kingdom, dummy.” “If I don’t, you’ll die. Hah!”  “So... You guys wanna do something? Got any music?”  “You guys aren’t just, like, boring and old, right?”  “This doesn’t look so bad.”  “You see that bird? Gross.” “No, I’m just super cool.” “I got RAGE!”  “You cannot defeat me!” “Let’s take his armor.”  “I’m going, but I swear vengeance, okay?”  “Your cooking stinks!” “Man, this place used to be nice... er.” “I can’t, she’s like family!” “My flame shield protected me from the Change. The rest of the kingdom... Is lost.”  “She is spicy with anger.”  “We used to really bond over music, and.... Stuff.”  “This is as far as I go.”  “She said some... Hurtful things.”  “I’ll give her a good talking to. I’ll talk her into next week.”  “My wolf is also a loner.”  “When did he get cool? Everyone slept on that.”  “Die in a ditch!” “You used to be about the laughs!” “You can’t run the saw, then stay outta my woodshed.”  “The duck found a secret tunnel!”  “We’re just friends, and I’m proud of that friendship. Getting there took a lot of trust building and emotional growth.”  “... Do you do squats?”  “That big, gross dragon is your ex?!”  “This place is a toxic, aggro-macho-scape.” “That was messed up, and not who you really are!” “The only friend I have is violence, and the only thing we do when we hang is FIGHT!”  “I’m gonna ruin your universe.”  “Honestly, I could still see those two working out.”  “This is terrible, nobody’s paying attention to me!” “That’s a huge extrapolation from what I said.” “Surely, this is the end of all things.”

Hero Heart

“Is this about your ex?” “This is about the purity of battle.”  “Just listen to the beat of your hero heart!” “I only hear the drums of war.” “You’re hurting me physically and emotionally.” “Becoming a crazy, fiery bad boy has made you even more of a babe.”  “It’s a real magic flying carpet!”  “We lost him to the flames of war!” “You got any lotion? Your skin is so... Hydrated.”  “Aw man, I don’t think you should play this game ever again.”  “Look at all these thirsty customers!” “Ice cream pies for all our hot new friends.”  “Jeez, who sneezed in your cornflakes?”  “Look, weird lady - I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, but we’re the only sane people left in this crazy, mixed-up world.” “Lets get in there and mash their potatoes!”  “My children have come home.”  “Oh, a dragon, how fun!” “I see you’ve been playing with matches.” “Fight me, nerd!”  “Ooh! Are we wrastlin’? Fun!”  “Everyone I know is spazzing out on each other.” “Is this the end? Will I be the last witness to the glory of this world that I chose above all others?” “I don’t think I can save the world on my own.”  “Curse these superior genes.”  “Your face tastes like my happy place.”  “My little Sugarplum - you’ve returned to accept your sweet fate!” “This charade has run it’s course.” “In your hearts, you are all sweet!”

Skyhooks II

“You left my friend down there.” “Don’t worry, I’ve got a new plan - a plan where nothing that happens here matters.” “He sees me like a handsome older brother.”  “Its me! I’m saving your tight butt!” “Maybe you’re not made of the same stuff as us.” “No more learning!” “Huh, musta dozed off. And bound myself.” “People say ‘you shouldn’t live in the past.’ But I say ‘why not?’“ “This book is strange, but when you puzzle it out, it’s mostly all charges and frequencies.” “My wonderful ___ will never become this sad, pathetic creature strewn before me.” “I thought I could do it, but I can’t. Being with you is like looking at my old life through a funhouse mirror.”  “I think you need to be the most ‘you’ that you’ve ever been.”  “I do believe in myself. I’m a blossoming debutante on the war path.” “Just relax, you’ll be obliterated soon.” “I - I guess I’m a special person, and I am worthy of respect!” “Can you turn this off and we can talk, maybe?”  “Boy, did I fail deep.” “Maybe I’ll try again in another thousand years.” “I’m not sticking around to see how this ends.” “I didn’t like being ditched earlier.” “I already saved your life, so quit telling me what to DO!”  “You mean these jewels love me more than they love those dum dums?”  “You bossed him back to normal!”  “The jelly is out of the tube!” “Oh, blessings. What a trip.” “Uh... Did you recently get a haircut?”  “Please be careful with yourself.” “I’m... A hero.”  “You really donked up.” “You and I can fix whatever this is, together. Whenever.”  “I was really scared when you left.” “I love you.”

[imxthexhandler]

OOC: Just an update for anyone who cares.

TL/DR version: I’m alive, working on okay, working on writing, sorry for the delay.

I’ve been honest about my stress, insecurities, and depression on this site. I don’t do it looking for sympathy or to excuse making my partners wait, it’s just so hopefully people know it’s not that I hate them or I don’t like RPing. I’ve started therapy this year, and I’ve been put on an antidepressant. I...personally have not seen/felt any changes yet. I keep asking my mom and my bestie if they do.

I’m not sure if my exhaustion is my depression, a side effect of my pill, or if it’s just being mentally/physically tired with work.

Speaking of work, it’s been... Well, it is what it is. I didn’t get the promotion (still dealing with that), it’s stressful as I’m trying to keep the peace with the attorneys and DFCS, trying to help out my clerks, and keep everyone happy while maintaining all of my deadlines and paperwork.

I’m getting really fed up with parents that do not care about their children. It’s really pissing me off. Especially when they lie either about caring or doing their damn case plan to get the children back.

I had a trial on Tuesday. We started at 1:03 P.M. EST. I hit off on the recorder at 10:44 P.M. Almost TEN hours later. I got into my car at 10:58. I have the record for sitting in for the longest court hearing at the damn courthouse.

I’ve just now physically getting over that hearing. I’ve been exhausted the whole week, and it’s been a struggle to write, despite wanting to. And speaking of trying to write, for some reason, I decided to do NaNoWriMo again.

And to top it all off, having a bunch of family drama. My sister is getting cabin fever thanks to COVID, and without her having a way to express herself, she’s just throwing tantrums, screaming, and breaking things. As I’ve stated before, my bed’s broken so I’ve been sleeping out on the couch in the living room which is kind of her room, and she... It’s getting to the point, she won’t let me sleep out there anymore, which is a problem because I can only escape to my brother’s room when he’s working or out on drill for the National Guard. And every plan my brother and I have tried to make with moving out has just been falling apart left and right. He’s getting frustrated, my father’s becoming insufferable... It’s a mess.

Again, no, none of this is excusing me not writing, I’m just dropping a note to let everyone here know what’s going on.

Keep safe, hope everyhing is going well in your corner of the woods, and don’t forget to love each other.

[wannawrite]

I Know

Wanna One’s Kang Daniel X Reader 

Fluff, angst 

Word count: 3094

• you’re besties with Woojin and Jihoon ( you’re their noona ) 

• Daniel gets jealous 

ahhhh the Daniel stans have spoken. excited to work on this one after Daniel being the side for like two scenarios it’s quite funny 😂 Love all of my boys omggg. Thanks for requesting this anon :)) PS: it suddenly got rlly fluffy idk what happened sorry !!

- Admin L

________ 

Woojin was the first person to crush you in one of his tender ‘woojin, i think you’re suffocating me’ hugs. Jihoon joined the hug, nearly squealing. 

“Y/N noona! We haven’t seen you in so long! Did you miss us?” Woojin asked, pouting when you only laughed at him. You rolled your luggage behind you, turning down Jihoon’s offer to help but he ended up carrying it to the car anyways. 

“How have you guys been?” You had missed out on a lot of your friend’s lives as you were has traveled home to visit your family during the term break. 

“Oh! Daniel hyung has been missing you like crazy! He can’t shut up about you,” your dongsaeng teased, causing your face to tinge pink. He leaned over and pinched your cheek. 

“Sungwoon hyung! Don’t lock the car door on us!” Woojin yelled, causing his hyung to jump in shock. Disappointment surged through you that your boyfriend hadn’t come to receive you but you knew exactly how busy he was. He had been anticipating your return for the longest time but there was a complication with one of his tracks and he was needed back in the studio to rerecord it, thus, he had to wait a bit longer to see you again. You hoped to at least see him once before the sun set today. 

“Hello Y/N! How was your trip?” Sungwoon greeted, smiling warmly as you were also his good friend. 

“Hi oppa, and it was good break. I missed you guys though,” you replied.

“Pfft, you only miss Daniel hyung,” Jihoon insisted. “Ahh, what should I do! Y/N noona doesn’t like me anymore!” You attempted to reach over and wrap your arms around your playful younger brother as Sungwoon started driving. 

“Ugh, don’t even ask me why I’m still friends with you Jihoon. I can never forget about my indirect hyungs and dongsaengs, especially you and Woojin! You guys are so special to me." 

"Yah! What am I to you then? I woke up early to drive with these two jokes all the way to the airport for you,” Sungwoon scoffed, shaking his head but a smile was prominent on his pretty features. You giggled, glad to be surrounded by your friends and their banter, it brightened your mood and lifted the spirit. The atmosphere was relaxed and happy unlike in college. Sighing, you realised you only had about two weeks to spend finishing up your assignments, studying and hanging out with your friends. 

Woojin noticed the sudden shift in your mood, he gazed worriedly at you and patted your shoulder affectionately. “What’s the matter noona?" 

"Nothing, just realised how little time I have left with you guys,” you said, grateful for his observation skills. “I’m okay. Just really tired.”

“Sleep, Y/N. It’s a very long journey to your dormitory,” Sungwoon said. You nodded, resting your head on Jihoon’s shoulder and shutting your eyes.

… 

“Baby, wake up. Y/N, it’s me.” A soft, caring voice lured you out of your slumber.

Still blur and teary-eyed, you slowly sat up and came to your senses, rubbing your eyes. You opened them, only to see your boyfriend’s handsome face staring back at you. 

Daniel. 

You nearly shrieked with joy, throwing your arms around his wide shoulders and pulling him close to you. Daniel let out a surprised laugh at your eagerness but held onto you tightly too. He seemed reluctant to pull away and assisted you out of the car. 

The two of you bid the three other boys goodbye as they headed back to the Wanna One house while Daniel helped you to settle back into your dormitory. You knew your roommates were still out on vacation so it wouldn’t matter. 

You nearly fell asleep again in Daniel’s arms. “Is my baby girl tired? Aww….when you’re in your room you can nap while I unpack your things, okay?” he said, eyes twinkling at your cuteness. 

You flopped onto your bed and curled up in a ball. It took you some time to fall back to sleep, so you watched Daniel hurry about your room, neatening and packing your belongings. God bless. “Daniel, come and cuddle with me,” you called out, reaching out to him. “I can’t sleep." 

Daniel smiled, happily obliging. "Do you want to go out tomorrow?" 

"I don’t know…you’re still busy in the studio right?" 

Your boyfriend nodded sadly. "Unfortunately, yes. The rest of the boys are quite free though, you can ask them to take you out. I may be able to meet you for dinner though. For now, you should rest. Goodnight, Y/N." 

So, with Daniel humming sweet melodies and tracing circles on your back, you had no problems going back to dreamland. 

… 

"Wah! Woojin and noona look so much like a couple!” Jihoon yelled, clicking away on his camera. 

“What?” Woojin was quick to reply, “Me and noona? No way. Ugh. Daniel can keep her !" 

Your jaw dropped and you gasped in mock offence, slapping the younger boy’s shoulder playfully. He beamed at you, showcasing his adorable snaggletooth.

Daniel had told Woojin, Jihoon, Seongwoo and Jaewhan to look after you while he and the rest of the group was busy with something. You were upset he was still occupied with work but promised to come home safe and sound to him. Woojin and Jihoon was ecstatic when they found out they would be going out with you and by their idea of going out, they meant driving to the beach in the middle of summer transition. You were hesitant but they convinced you that’d it be fun. 

"We’ll go to the carnival and eat seafood for lunch? Okay? I promise!” Jihoon swore. 

Seongwoo fell asleep on the drive there but was energised and ready to take on some rides at the fair which was pretty crowded considering it was still holiday time. He looked at Jaewhan and back at the rides. 

“Yes, hyung?" 

"Oh…nothing." 

He wasn’t sure if he was ready for more of the vocalist’s strange psychotic laughter. He stepped back to admire you and Woojin’s banter as the two of you posed for 'couple’ photos, it was amusing. 

"Come on! I want to go to the haunted house!” Jaewhan insisted, skipping excitedly in that direction. 

Seongwoo wanted to punch him in his perfect face. Did he really think he could take it? 

“Y/N, I will protect you!” Woojin said bravely. 

“Let’s go!” “Don’t forget about me! I’m a black belt!” Jihoon whined, linking your other arm his.  

Seongwoo groaned, he felt Jaewhan wrap his arms around him even as they lined up to get inside. 

… 

“That was…amazing!” You declared as you ventured out of the haunted house. Jaewhan was the first to get scared by a ghost, he yelled (psychoticlaughter) and clung onto Seongwoo tightly. 

“I really, genuinely, wholly hope I never have to do that again,” Seongwoo muttered, 'that’ was not walking through the haunted house but 'that’ was being forced to hug a screaming Jaewhan. Jihoon and Woojin did freak out quite a bit as they adventured through but emerged unscathed emotionally and physically.

“I think I want to work as a scarer,” Jaewhan announced, seemingly positive about his newly chosen career path. 

The others blinked at him. You had to restrain Seongwoo from punching his friend. 

… 

You were finishing off the ice cream that Jihoon had bought for you just as the car pulled up outside the Wanna One house. 

The ice cream was just for you. 

Not for the entire group. 

It made you feel bad so you attempted to share some with each boy but Jihoon had complained, “Y/N! Don’t waste my love for you on them.” and sulked. 

You were amazed by how clean and tidy the house was, it was also very prettily decorated. 

“Y/N!" 

You spun round at the sound of Daniel calling your name. He hugged you then placed a tender kiss to on your lips. "Ooh, nice ice cream. You pick good flavours." 

"Oh! Jihoon bought this cone for me. You have to ask him what it is, it’s very good!” At your statement, you swore that Daniel’s jaw clenched and his smile faded sightly, he looked away from you to glance at someone over your shoulder. 

“Oh. That’s so nice of him, stop freeloading off others babe. What other flavours did he buy for his hyungs?" 

"Uh… he only bought one for me…” you added in a small voice, licking off the last bit. Daniel’s eyes darkened, for two complete different reasons and you weren’t sure if you wanted to find out. 

Luckily, Jisung called everyone to eat so you managed quickly escape that sticky situation.

… 

The next few days passed by in a blur, you were happy to have your roommates back but that also served as a constant reminder that school was starting soon. You were out of contact with the boys for a bit as you caught up on school work but Woojin and Jihoon were the first to text you to ask you out for coffee. They said Daniel had recommended it and it would be nice if you could try it with them. You asked about your boyfriend and the rest of your friends, they replied by saying that all was well, they were busy but happy and well rested. 

I’ll buy them dinner tonight, they’re working so hard and they’re such good friends of mine, you thought. 

“Y/N unnie, where are you going?” one of of your younger roommates asked.

“Ahh, I’m going to see some friends of mine.” You didn’t dwell on the details. 

“Is it your idol friends?" 

You pursed your lips and glared at her. 

"Ahh, unnie likes her idol friends more than us now,” your other flat mate added in a joking manner. 

“Introduce me to them! I need a boyfriend!" 

They let you go eventually and you rolled your eyes. 

Actually, my dongsaengs would be a nice fit for Jihoon and Woojin. How sweet, I should ask them. 

You broke the question as the three of you sipped on various coffees. Jihoon said he didn’t mind, making a new friend was good anyways. Woojin was a bit more hesitant and shy, his awkwardness was definitely more prominent. "I-I-I-I mean…I g-guess? Management doesn’t really bother us with it now. For now…uh…uh…maybe. It’s good to make new friends right?" 

You laughed and reached over to squish his adorable, reddening cheeks. Woojin covered his face with his hands in embarrassment. 

None of you noticed pictures being taken and uploaded on fancafes.

… 

Daniel was pissed to say the least when he saw the photos of you and his dongsaengs out at a cafe, especially the one with you being all sweet and tender to Woojin. He did clear the air of confusion by mentioning that 'Y/N is they’re good friend and like a big sister to them. Don’t be mean to her or to Woojin and Jihoon.' 

Why wouldn’t you tell him you were free? Did you not want to see him? Why would she go out with them and not me? He wondered. 

He decided to text you. 

6.15 pm

Daniel: hi babe, had to clear some confusion abt pics of u and the boys? where are you? Let’s go get dinner tgt. 😊 

6.19 pm 

Y/N: so sorry abt those!! And yes, I’m treating all of you to dinner today, pizza is on its way. I’m otw back to the house with Woojin and Jihoon. 

6.25 pm 

Daniel: ahh, you’re the sweetest. Thank you so much jagi! You know I love you 😍 

6.28pm 

Y/N: I love you too. Enjoy the pizza first if it has arrived already :) 

"Daniel hyung! Y/N noona sent us pizza? Is it?” Guanlin yelled. Daniel shouted his response and there were cheers from the boys. He couldn’t bring himself to be happy, as much as he knew you wouldn’t do anything with his dongsaengs, he wasn’t sure why you wouldn’t want to hang out with him. It was very strange you were growing so close to those two. 

Whatever. Just go downstairs and eat. 

… 

“Yay! Thank you Y/N!” Daehwi exclaimed, rushing over to hug you the second you were through the front door. 

“Yah! Manners, Daehwi!” Minhyun called out. 

You dismissed the lack of formalities and hugged Daehwi anyways. It brought a smile to your face to see how happy your friends were, beaming, skin glowing and stuffing their faces with pizza. You sat down beside Daniel and grinned at him. He fed you a slice of your favourite immediately, smiling cheekily. 

“Aww…” Guanlin started taking notes, he better if he wanted to ( steal ) win over Jihoon’s heart from Jinyoung. He also took pictures to upload to the official social medias. 

The night was off to a good start and you hoped it would end on a high note but Daniel could only keep his emotions bottled up for so long. 

… 

You received an untimely call from Daniel when you and your roommates were heading out to meet Woojin and Jihoon. They were shrieking excitedly but sweating with anxiety. 

“Hello? Daniel?" 

"Hi Y/N! Are you available today? Let’s go out!” He sounded so sweet and excited you’d hate to turn him down. 

“Uh, sorry babe. I’m-I’m going out with my roommates today,” you said apologetically. Technically, it wasn’t a lie and you were leaving as soon as they had acquainted. 

“Oh, it’s okay! I’ll call you before you sleep tonight, okay? See you later babe, have fun!" 

"Bye, love you." 

I can surprise him with his favourite coffee later! I’m sure he’s at the studio. He’ll be so delighted! 

Your roommates fiddled nervously, repeatedly asking you if they looked presentable. There wasn’t much time anyways, you called a taxi and it sped off to that coffee house that Daniel loved. 

… 

Your roommates excused themselves before they had even take one step into the cafe and dashed to the bathroom. 

What a pain. 

You went over and sat with Woojin and Jihoon who were both occupied with their phones. "Hey,” you started. 

They smiled in response, not offering any other words. It appeared that they were anxious too, Woojin was just rearranging the apps on his phone by colour. Eventually, you got them to stop and actually communicate. 

“Noona…I’m nervous,” Woojin confessed, grabbing your hands. “Are my hands cold?" 

"No! Noona,” Jihoon smacked Woojin’s hands anyway from yours and pressed one to his face. “Is my skin smooth enough? I did a face mask yesterday in preparation." 

You sighed, giggling at their cuteness, you pinched their cheeks. "Ahh, both of you are sooo handsome! I’ll be back.” You turned around and your jaw dropped.

Daniel stood in the line to order. But his face had a look that you would never forget, he was hurt, he looked so betrayed. 

Your roommates emerged, whispering and laughing but stopped when they saw the scene. Jihoon still waved to them.

“Dan-”

Daniel didn’t utter a word, he didn’t even bother to pay for his order. He dropped his head, burning bright red and stormed out of the shop. 

You knew where he was going, and he would need time to calm down so you hurriedly paid for his drink and dashed out after him. He was long gone by the time you were on the street but you ran in the direction of the YMC branch. He would be in his workroom. 

… 

You heard him before you even took a step into that corridor. He was crying and yelling some incoherent words to someone. 

Seongwoo? 

Jisung? 

You waited outside and ducked out of view when they came out of the room. It wasn’t clear who it was but you entered the room anyways. 

“Daniel…oppa." 

"Go away! I don’t want to see you right now!” He managed to shout despite his tears. 

“Yah, I’m not leaving until you’re okay. What did I do?” You took a seat next to him, rubbing his back soothingly. He didn’t fight you off yet didn’t seem to welcome your touch either. 

“Why would you do that? How could you betray me?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t spend much time with you." 

"Yah! I know you like either of them. Who is it? Jihoon? Or Woojin?" 

You had to bite your tongue to stop yourself from laughing. Seriously? You wouldn’t go for someone who was like your younger brother. "Daniel, I don’t want any of them. They’re my brothers, you’re my boyfriend. Don’t think like that. The three of us just click very well and they treat me like their older sister. Why would you think like that?” you questioned. 

Daniel wiped his face free of tears before continuing. “Why else would you lie to me when I called you?" 

He had a point. 

"Ahh, I did go out with my roommates. In fact, I was trying to play matchmaker for those two. Two of my roommates needed boyfriends, two of my younger brothers needed girlfriends. How could I not?” You responded. “Oppa, don’t cry anymore. I’m all yours.” You pressed a tissue gently to his delicate face. “Wow. So handsome, and all mine." 

Daniel tackled you into the warmest hug you had ever gotten. "I’m sorry Y/N, I’m sorryimsorryimsorry." 

"Hey, it’s okay. Don’t apologise, it’s just how you feel. I’m glad you let me know…even if you did dampen my shirt. Wait! I haven’t finished drying your tears.” Your hands cupped his face, wiping it clean with a fresh, soft and sweet-smelling wet tissue. “Oh my god, my boyfriend is so good-looking. God bless.”

Daniel finally cracked a smile and kissed you on the lips. “I’m sorry I was being petty and insecure,” he apologised but you clamped a hand over his mouth. “I can’t hear that! Stop apologising! Just remember that I’m your girlfriend no matter what. Now that Jihoon and Woojin are busy with their new friends, you have me all the time. All day. All night,” you affirmed. 

“In that case, let me help you play matchmaker for them. Okay?" 

"Is that all you want to do?” ( he wants to do you ) you teased. “It seems like everything revolves around the boys." 

"Yah! Okay, okay, we’ll do something you like." 

"Nah. Even if it’s the weirdest, dumbest thing. I’m happy doing it with you." 

"You know that’s one of the reasons I love you right?" 

"I know, you know.” ( team deserved better )

[halalhyungwon]

1-100 odds

Jaz you’re a real one

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

It depends on the cereal, tbh. Some cereals I prefer a lot of milk and others I put less

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

I’ve used my phone, random sheets of paper, pens/pencils, white out tape…

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

A lil bit

7: do you name your plants?

I don’t have any plants :( If i did, I probably would

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

Yes, I do it constantly

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?

Inner joke? Like, inside joke?… I have a lot. And yet, I can’t think of one to share lmao

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

I was on the phone with my bestie for like 5hrs and I hadn’t called them in a while so that made me happy (: 

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

“A total of 32 monkeys have flown in space.”

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

This shade of purple that Minseok had because it is sooo pretty. I’ve wanted to dye my hair that color for the longest time

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

I do have a journal and I used to write in it regularly but kinda stopped once I got into sophomore year of college. It was kinda my brain dump and also where I just spilled all my emotions that I never talked to anyone about

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

Favorite?? Hmmm there’s the bag my cousin bought me for my high school prom. It’s cute and small and white and going over your shoulder. I don’t use it much but I’m still happy to have it.

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

watch exo and seventeen make fools of themselves lmao

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?

I don’t recall breaking into anywhere…but I remember one summer my brother and I went for a walk to a school in my cousin’s neighborhood and an alarm went off and scared tf out of us

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?

wintermint (?) i think it’s called

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? 

One of my friends has this pack of cards that says “I LOVE YOU BECAUSE” and then it has a bunch of bullet points for different reasons you could love someone. She gave me one sophomore year and another one just recently and honestly it’s so sweet

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

Socks and I…we acknowledge each other’s existence and hang out when we need to. I only where socks with my sneakers and boots, and when it’s really cold. I cannot where socks all day. Like it’s impossible. When I wear socks I just feel hyper aware of the fact that there is cloth on my feet and it makes me uncomfortable. I can’t go to sleep with socks on, unless I’m extremely tired and just fell asleep. Even then, I’ll wake up with my socks kicked off in the morning.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

Most recently! My friend and I were trying to observe the meteor shower last weekend. And like the thing is for the first hour or so we didn’t see any and kept trying to find the best place to observe them. Then, I finally saw one, but it was right when my friend was looking down so she didn’t get to see it! And then, another hour or so passes and it just seems like we’re never gonna see another one, so we decide to head back to our dorms. BUt, on the way back we find a spot that would be just perfect to see them, so we just loitered there for almost another hour, jammin to music and just waiting to see some shooting stars! And then the next one comes but it happens right as I’m looking at my friend to talk to her, but she’s looking up so she gets to see it. After that some time passes and it’s already 3:30 a.m. and I’m tired and lowkey gotta pee, so we start making our way back to the dorms again. And then we find another spot that would be good viewing, so we chill there for a while because, though we’ve both seen a shooting star, we haven’t see one together. So we’re standing there, chillin, being goofs and listening to trap remixes of the Wii theme, when we both look up and go “OH!!!” and freak out bc we finally saw another shooting star and it was just great. 

(I realized I answered this even tho it’s not odd but i’m just gonna keep it bc i love it too much)

33: what’s your fave pastry?

do cinnamon rolls count as pastries?…i could really go for one…

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

Yes I do!! But I don’t have many :(( Part of me wants to buy a big set but like I already have a bunch of pens and notebooks (but they arent all aesthetic and pretty and stuff) and I also think i’d stop using them after a week or so

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

I like having a neat room (I cleaned my room today I’m so happy, it looks so spacious) 

39: what color do you wear the most?

Black, probably

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

I don’t read often but I think the last book I really enjoyed … Howl’s Moving Castle

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

@batmanlemonade hey ;) [see #32]

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

No? maybe? idk

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

pickles…

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

I wishhh I could just buy all the cd’s i’ve ever wanted. If I had more money I probably would have a nice collection. The last CD i’ve bought was back in high school and I think it was OneRepublic’s Native album

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

My little brother… whenever i hear transformer, touch it, monster or kkb I think about him bc those are his favorite exo songs loll

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

I don’t think I’ve watched any of these but beetlejuice, and I love beetlejuice

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

I scrolled through my kyungsoo tag for a good hour or so to prove to my friend how much i love him sfdjkl; that’s not very dramatic but it’s the first thing I thought of. She really didn’t question that I loved him, I just love any excuse to look through my tags

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

bohemian rhapsody is a classic sfkl; um it always reminds me of my childhood bc my brothers and i used to watch these animated videos and one of them was of bohemian rhapsody but with megaman characters lmao

59: what’s your favorite myth?

UHmmm I really don’t know lol sorry

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

In sophomore year I wanted to buy my roommate her favorite flavor of ice cream but I didn’t have money so I drew ice cream on a post-it note for her I can’t think of a stupid gift I’ve received…

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

lol no, i just let ‘em be. they’re chillin

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?

my cousin who’s in med school, I haven’t seen her in too long :c

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

I kinda like those days. If I’m in a good mood, gray skies, cool breezes and light rain make me feel better. Otherwise, it’s just meh.

69: what are your favorite board games?

There’s this Korean board game that I can’t remember the name of for the life of me, and tbh since I haven’t played it in a while I don’t remember the exact rules, but it’s kinda of like Sorry! I’ve only played it twice but it was really fun both times

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?

Chai

73: what are some of your worst habits?

putting myself down and procrastinating

75: tell us about your pets!

I don’t have any :-( I’ve been really wanting a cat lately

77: pink or yellow lemonade?

Pink~

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

Hmmm when I was in high school I reeeally loved Michael Buble (I still do, have you heard that man’s voice?) so for Valentine’s day, my friend got me this box and taped his face on the top lmaoo with a reference to one of his song lyrics. The box was filled with flowers and chocolate and gum (but at the time I had braces so i couldn’t even chew the gum lolll)

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

I really wish I could but I’m not creative and this headache I have isn’t helping safhjlk sorry

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

I really like the cover for 1R’s Native album, and also p!atd’s too weird to live too rare to die

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?

Not really, but I’d like to

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

Howl’s Moving Castle, Room No 7 starring Do Kyungsoo, coming out November 15 and..I can’t really think of another one

89: are you close to your parents?

Kinda sorta

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

i have no plans to travel :( 

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?

My hair in it’s natural state lol covered by my hijab

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

Chillin! I was supposed to lock myself up in my room and finally watch the exo and seventeen concerts I have downloaded but i haven’t gotten around to watching them yet. But I have been chillin in my room so it’s been alright

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

infp, scorpio, and i have no idea

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

UHhhmmm Call Me Baby and Heaven by EXO; Healing and Don’t Listen in Secret by Seventeen; Hug Me by Jung Joon Il