#bevause ive been waiting a long time now

[stargazingpsychotic]

If even at my best recently the best idea is to just hurt myself so bad I have to get help regardless of consequences. If I die, I die, if not then maybe I'll have at least got back on meds like I was supposed to months ago. If I can at least get that, and not be how I am now for most of every day that would be something. If I need help and asking for it isn't enough and having tried several times recently with people knowing about it isn't enough then I just have to do worse and worse until it's importable to ignore. And I hate this, I get how this sounds, but what other choice is there? I have nothing to help manage this currently. All I had was later tonight, and once that goes there's nothing to think about making it to, not that it was worth going this long.

[blackvail22]

9/24/23 — 1:10am

theres a lot that happened within the past two days its insane. on the 22nd, i had to train this new associate for the whole day. he's rlly nice, and he's fun to talk to. he caught on really quick! im excited to work with him

also, that same day, i got back with my ex!!! it could be a dumb decision (because this is the 3rd time) but i really want things to work out. again, no one is going to know besides you... and... my coworkers, but thats different

the coworker that gave me his number, he gave me a note at work that says "im awkward so i dont know how to say this out loud, but i like you" and then taped a soda tab on it (it was the "hug" meaning one, which... i dont like but could be worse). so! ive told the new associate i have a boyfriend. im going to tell them i have a boyfriend, but im telling those im closest to at work that its because i dont want my worker to hit on me anymore

if he keeps going after that, i have to report him. im not letting someone get away with that, not this time.

i have to start standing up for myself... im just scared because of that teenager who got killed because she rejected her (adult) co-worker, im afraid its going to be me. this is the reason i dont like hearing abt death.

on another note, back to abt my boyfriend....

im writing this as soon as i ended the call with him. i miss him already. i wonder how and why my brain changes how i react to things because of a label. i feel so clingy. i want to talk to him more. he does make me happy, and i hope i make him happy too

oh, i also bought this candle... its supposed to "smell like london" and it says the scent is "afternoon biscuits and tea" so thats nice. i bought it to think of you, nd its nice that the color of the candle matches my room

oh last thing ! i took my permit drivers test and i passed it! feels so surreal because i never thought i was ever gonna end up driving but here we are lol

anyways i like this song

6:06am —

dude i couldnt fall asleep until like 4:30am and my mom woke me up at 5:30, screaming at me to find something i didnt have!!! i found it! and it was in her bag, a place she didnt look (because she only looked one place!!!!!!) at least i can sleep now, but idek if i can do that because i feel awake now. im going to sob. FUVKKK I HAVE A HEADACHE AND SINUS PAIN NOW IM GOING TO CRY DUDE. and the fact that she walked up the stairs to scream at me (she never walks up the stairs)???? ooo. im so mad bro! like im going to wake up whenever i have my alarms set and im going to punch a wall because i cant sleep without getting interrupted. IM PISSED TF OFF NOW bevause i havent had adequate sleep since my last off day (a week ago) and i dont have a lot of sleep for tomorrow because i have to wake up at 6am for an appointment thats 2hrs away. sure, ill sleep in the car, but with my mom? she wont let it happen. and i dont have another off day untl thursday, and i cant sleep in for that one either becahse i have another goddamn appointment in the morning. like, is this what being an adult is? being harrassed by coworkers, never having enough sleep, never able to fall asleep.... it cant be cause those all haopened when i was a teenager too. stuck in that cycle, though, and i cant wait for that cycle to finally end.

bad things always tend to happen to me. is it because i bring bad energy? AHHHHHHH i just need to scream cry

i am going to try to sleep now. I've rambled on for way too long

11:17pm

been incredibly sad today. i think it was my lack of sleep, or maybe it was my mom yelling at me and waking me up. still, my heart feels so ... heavy. i cant help but feel bad for people who love me. if i was them, i would choose anyone else to love endlessly. im undeserving of it all, anyway. i dont feel happy tonight. i hope tomorrow's better. i dont know what changed and made me feel this way because when i woke up and went to work, everything was fine until half way through my shift. it didnt really effect me, but them saying "oh, fun's over.. [my name]'s in a bad mood again.. everyone get away" keeps playing in my mind. it didnt affect me then, so i dont know why i keep thinking about it

i just want to fit on my roof and look at the moon, but its been rising really early so i dont think ill be able to see it now. ill watch some livestreams from space of the earth/the moon instead. something to comfort me while listening to music. i havent been able to watch any videos all the way through recently.. havent even been able to watch those gaming streams i like. hopefully ill feel better before i go to sleep

[lazulishark]

Hhhhh I’m so frustrated I wanna go see my therapist but I can’t bcs they’re not giving me any more sessions with him and we can’t afford to pay him ourselves

[incoherentlynonexistent-blog]

Unfortunate Outcome

Amazing how one person can change everything.....incredible as that same person becomes somebody they swore and promised to never become.....funny how you believed them, and the unfortunate outcome is the consequences you suffer because you trusted their word over everyone and everything....

It's so degrading...to now be where you're at only because you believed in something that wasnt ever real...

Hurtful to actually feel the loneliness kick in.....

Depressing to remember how little of an importance you were to them....

Unwilling to heal and move on because how do you pick yourself up after consistently being there for someone then for it to become abandoned and forgotten.....

It's the Unfortunet outcome to their mishaps that led me to becoming helpless and needy.

Sad thing is, I don't even know what it is that i want

Idk what I need....

I know I dont need this constant bullshit

Unfortunetly because I had so much hope and expectations

Its stupid to look back and realize how naive and oblivious I used to be

Now I guess they can say I made my own mess when they're the ones who lied and ridiculed me because I was drug along for so long

The most unfortunate thing about this is the outcome. Despite how much "better" they find this to be, I won't ever be able to be better....yea I have my good days, but even those arent good.....

Doesnt matter where they go

Doesnt matter the time they let slip by

Hell it doesn't matter what they do .

In still feeling the same things

I doubt ill ever have anything to help me endure this

I live everyday waiting still

I go about each day hoping anyone would love to be here again

I literally feel myself slipping

I'm already dead because of them

Added with how I'm still feeling

I'm not sure of this feeling will subside

It's all mind consuming

I can't just stop about this

It's the one thing that no-one understands

The reason why I'm like this

The answer is simple

Given the empty promises and then being just thrown way like yesterdays garbage

I'm miserable with this unfortunate outcome.....

I didnt get closure

Instead I get the only thing that's never changed

Them leaving my life.....

Something promised against but in the end

They all prove to be the same person that leff you to begin with ......

It's hard living and feeling like this

I have no faith

I don't have confidence

I'm trying to find a purpose

But I can't get far or enough to cease the memories....

They're just haunting to me now...

Only because of how and what I've done

You really think I can just magically become better

No.

It's not possible unless you actually are willing to be here

Or unless you actually gave me the closure I've been desiring

Until I'm given that

I will not get better.

I will not heal

This unfortunate outcome will be my life sentence

This isn't what I what wanted

None of this is

I don't want the depression

I dont care for the desire.

I just want to feel happy again.

I want a reason to actually smile and feel good about myself......

I just wished someone would hear me out

After asking for three years now...

I cant just move on

God Damn it man

If they only knew just how bad I really am

I wonder if things would be different....

I wonder if anyone wouldve left....

I just want someone to be here for me

Irs not ever been about my sex life or being in a relationship

My goal was to only be around the people who want to be here

Maybe ive beckne to fucked up to obtain that chance again

Unfortunate outcome is me being treated in such manner when the pupils who inflicted all that hurt and damage are the ones at fault for me becoming this way. They shut me out because I'm still fucked up over it. I was the original victim that became traumatized and untrusting, but I wouldnt be this irritable bitter suicidally depressed person that's unwilling to move on if it weren't for their actions.

I don't trust anybody any more

I don't even crack a smile

You know who you are

The person im addressing anyway ..

I hope you're happy

I hope you feel accomplished at what you created

With the unfortunate outcome that you refuse to have anything to do with what you started and fucked up numerous times......it leaves me like this.....

Idk how else to stress this fact

Because I cant get that little bit of respect....

When I shouldn't have been involved anyway

I should've walked away

I should've listened to the voice in my head

"Don't worry on going to the laundry mat

If I'd knew then what I knew now

I would've never showed up

I would have never existed

But its thanks to you ive gotten like this

Thanks to you I sit all day every day for the past few years pondering about whats wrong with me

Why am I not wanted. Why does everyone leave....see that's the difference between us, you're the one who does all the leaving. I linger because I believe in equal opportunity especially when so much effort was put into it in the first place. I believe in those who remain loyal and true on their word, but you seem to still believe in empty promises. You're using you're ears to see and you're eyes to hear. You're the most cruel and cold hearted creature. Not human.....because with human emotion, I couldnt do what you do, I cant lead them on, shut them out, I cant make someone feel like their the one for me, but then shut them down and out when the one I want is around. I will never understand you're selfish decisions and with how you know youve done wrong but you still don't bother to change.

Maybe I've become an unforgivable asshole, but that's the unfortunate outcome when someone so heartless just takes you for granted then you're the bad guy for not only reacting actually a little more civil than you should've, but because god knows whatever words come from my posts or even texts, god forbid they remind you consistently of what you've done. Everything I am and everything I do now is because of you..

Days I'm angry, I blame you

Days I'm depressed, It's your fault

Days I cut, blamed you because just the little bit of open honesty wouldve prevented me cutting myself, but only to relieve that pain that I cant get out through crying.

Its the pain that makes your chest ache and have the urge to just scream in agony. Its that lodged in lump that swells in your chest when everything that was promised, shared, and enjoyed together now sets this darkened, and dead look to it. I find myself shying away from every and any little thing that you had any relations to. My music has changed. My faith in life itself is nonexistent. Ive become so angry and bitter, that I am constantly snappy.

It doesnt matter how angry I were to get with anyone else, because every one probably tells you I'm fine.....

I'm not fine

Im not ok

I'm suffocating myself

Its hard to not still be bitter....

How can I not still be angry when you left once again.....ive been irrational and disrespectful, but I never thought that this unfortunate outcome would involve me getting worse....I figured at some point within these four years .....I figured you wouldve not done this so much that I'm probably permanently fucked up....I mean fucking look at me...have you ever seen anyone so pathetic and humiliating?....

Loving someone is so beautiful but sad, because when you fall for someone, there's some part of you that breaks too, its gone for ever because its with that person you wanted to give your whole heart to, but they'll only always have what's actually left of you. For some reason being in that persons presence or just respected enough to be even thought about by them, makes life worth living even if I were to spend it alone. Its not because you lack feelings or really the past that I held over your head....I just wanted for someone to finally treat me differently.....

You wound up treating me the same

This is my unfortunate outcome

Its been a battle especially the last two years

I've never in my life have I ever felt so much pain

Ive never loved anyone as much as I love you

The unfortunate outcome for you is me being gone when you want to come back

I already know how it's to be

Its why I never understood you

But I still kept trying to

Maybe that was my mistake

Because my unfortunate outcome is the distance between us and how little I've meant within the last couple years....idk myself what you could ever do to make things better.....

Unfortunate outcome is what's done is done....

Its ruined

We're ruined

Were gone....

The end....

Hope you're doing well.....

Sorry for being impulsive and annoying

I'm sorry for being a fucked up mess.

Wishing you a lifetime of happiness....

Wishing you luck on your endeavors

Ill miss you

I have been already

Life just won't ever be the same. I just know if it was went about differently I would be able to handle the sudden blocked phone and Tumblr better than what I am now. I'm wasting mt time is the sad thing because I'm sire you're thought is why if I'm to be the way I was before, well, it would be nice to have at least that wanting to talk to me or even asking things sbout my life. I literally have been wanting to fit in, and I'm sorry I tried to get in your way. I'm sorry for being this way period.....in sorry I can't bring myself to be better.....I literally feel like I have no other place to go or anything to do.....I should be doing soemthing with my life, bur in not.....only bevause I spend every day trying to avert seeing or even tbe chance to see you kr anything related to you That will rip my chest right then and there.

It's those things I want to feel better about.....I want to be able to see you without getting so severely depressed. That's the last unfortunate outcome, because of that, how I feel.....I think it's best if we just never saw each other ever again......Obviosuly you're already on that route but if that's really what you want, then you really will not ses me ever again. I mean you can scream yell my name. I will not look at any part of you.....I'm prudent because maybe youre right, just sticking with avoiding them, and I guess you do lose some feeling. I hate being like this. Idk what else to do. I dont need your help. I need your understanding. I dont need to be questioned, at least at what I'm doing, because idk anymore.....I get flustered easily because my mind stays so caught up on you that I fuck up everything I touch or work on.....then it goes back to the angry blaming you thing.....never ending......so how can I get better? What do I do? You just left. You didn't leave a note, you didnt say goodbye, and of all things I've ever done for you, you never helped my unfortunate outcomes...you rejected me time and time again.

I just idk how to be ok.....

I just feel like I'm losing touch with my existence

As in because you live in my mind so much I try to avoid that too....I've become a blank spaced emotionless robot....I'm depressed but I look solemn. I then break soon as I snap.....I'm getting worse.....idk its so hard to put into words. I just feel myself losing control over everything including my decisions.....

Whether you believe me or not.....I don't care to convince you anymore. Honestly I'm not even doing that now. I just needed to get what I could out....atleast While its flowing....well it was....I think I explained the best I could and linked the way I think...

Respond or don't respond

Respectfully, I'm refraining from tagging your blog name in the post. If you see it and or read it then its actually ok if you don't ever speak to me again.....I mean you're the one in charge and I know if you don't soeak first, then there's just nothing left to do but just hope you enjoy life.

Take care of yourself Kourt.....thanks for everything.....

[ohnomyfishjustdied]

Me watching the last bit of the last Harry Potter movie. WARNING SPOILER ALERT

Ohmy. I’m excited to know what is going to happen because it’s so scary. I have the idea that snape is very very mean but i have seen guesses that he is the very best in the last movie and everybody will love him so im really scared. yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas i love it i love it. ohmy fuckkk. What is this buullshit theyre suddenly figthing and now its sort of over but harry is totally collapsing and people are really scared. Ohno a huge scream i hope its not ginny another scream. Scary whispers in my ears. Voldemort is trying to convince everybody that they should give harry and ginny is the best and filtch is actually a genious. Yaaas miss i dont know your name anymore. And i also love luna. Hahahahahha ilove proffesor something woman mcgonnagan or something. shes so cute hahahahah awiieieiie all the other teachers are great too right now but it is especially the music that makes me really happy and excitted of course LOL im so happy Luna knows more go to screaming girl. They like to go through glasses and windows while filming ive seen it more often. Holy fuck thats one big army ohmyyyy are all those peope followers of voldemort. Ohmy. What is going to happen ohmy they broke their own promise. Helena is quite creepy isnt she. In the place where everythinh is hidden if you have to ask youll never know if you know youll never find it something like that. I like that ron knows the spel to open it. oh fuck theyre already there. They need one tooth from the basilisk. Come ooonnnn do it already ohmy fuck what is happening ohmy is it better now he is dead right aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah ther kissing finalllyyyyyyy yaasssss ohmy yas i love it haha hand giggling. Ohmy voldemort is strong now. Ginny is so cute. The eternal wand is breaking? What is this he is using it to strongly or something. Id be scared to death ahhahaah see nevile running. Awieiiei its so sad tho. They have a good backup plann ohnooooo where is neville is he dead nooooo he is not yasss thankfully ohmy hahhahahahah you joker ’that went well’. Wowowowo also there are giants and stuff it seems like voldemort is winning now i do not wish to lose more of my followers or kids. Comeon harry find that stupid thing yaaaas theyre kissing again i love them. Malfoy you stupid fuck. Go harryyy dont die please i have already seen a post that he almost dies or something i cant lose him tho so careful pls. Is he going into that thing that vanishes things ohno he was searching for  that other thing. Whats that creature. I hear something. Harry pls save draco come on you. Yassss save him pls yeysysyysysyysys im so happty rn but watch it for the fire. HE GOT IT ITS IN THE FIRE THE DIADEM IS KILLED HE MUST BE REALLY WEAK RN i hope so but harry isnt really feeling better himself i see. Oh hes testing his skills by killing someone.. very brave V. … THis is such a good movie tho so many emotions are in this movie its so good. Lucius doesnt really look good actually tbh. Harry pls tell what you saw that you will come to him and he doenst have to find you pls do that and pls dont lag again wait imma start you up again bevause this is highly annoying. It now gives no nvrmind it has started. Hogwarts is one big mess tho ohmy its huge and terrible even spiders and stuff. The music makes it a hundred times more dramatic than it actually is tho its terrible who made this awesome shield Albuussusu or his brother yasss slay queen. There is some discussion about the wand what is snape going to do he is sort of nervous. The elder wand belongs to snape ohmy he is the true owner ohno he has to be killed wtf voldemort is such a mean person he is the worst i know. HP has to look at snape being killed wtf is he going to do something ohno there is blood all over the wall wtf is happening please save him HP save him you are such a good person at heart HP ohmy i wouldnt be able to do that at all. Snape is being pretty cute right now tbh dont dieeee i dont want people to die anymore wtf is happening and why does this keep happening. Harry stay strong and hermione too please everybody hears this now not anymore or ohmy thats not fucking true you are such a loser worst thing is its not a scream it is actually more powerful its is a whisper and how much more powerful is a whisper compared to a scream? Thats so true think about it if you will. Now everybody will be mad at harry i know it is true huh wait she was dead right. NOOOO WHY fredddd nooo fuck that shit and whyyyy luyping i said i didnt want to lose anyone anymore ohmy fuck dont you know how to listen you stupid fuck. Is this dumbledores office i think so i wish i was a witch you know how awesome that wouldve been? Aww who is the cute girl and the stupid girl and the cute little snape. Ohmy so first lily was severuss friend maybe they were lovers even thats so mean tho of James to take that advantage. Ohmyyyyy James is actually so mean tho ohmy and even dumbledore is mean is harry snapes kid or what i didnt quite get it. nope nope nope snape is the best person ever ohmyyyy i hope he lives ohmy fuck we all thought wrong all secrets are revealed. Ohmy fuckkk how is this possible snape is so cute noooo he must die in order to ohno snape loved lily so much so so sos o feeaking much thats so mean dumbledore ohmy fuck snape cares HE IS THE ONE THAT SHOWS HIM THE SWORD OHMY FUCK OR IT WAS LILY. HE MUST BE KILLED BY V. what is this movie ohmy fuck im screaming and crying and ohmy fuck i love you HP. Please live in the end but do kill V. Ron is so less handsome compared to hermione and harry NO OFFENSE AND FUCK ALL THESE MOVIES WHY WHY. Hes is ready to die ohmy fuck what is this shit. Oooh that is the stone that wil bring back to life isnt it so he is going to live int the end isnt it hes gonna live right just swallow the stone for me boy do it. I love sirius black more than who is remuss son? DONT DROP IT YOU FOOL AAAH WHY DID YOU DO IT NOW UGH WHY WHY. Watch it he is coming tho. LET HAGRID LIVE OKAY. THE FINAL SHOW. 40 min. Left. The sound is crazy what is he dead the spell was used on him now it was avada kadavra it is one of the three unforgivable spells. AW cute little ugly voldemort with a huge head. So he kills off his own horkroxe thats stupid right where are his glasses tho i like him more with his glasses on hes cuter like that. Im really relaxed i know that he will live, barely, but live. Were snape and lily meant to be i want to know come on now. I wnat to read the books and read what it all is about bevause i believe i missed half of it. HE LIVED THE FUCK OUT OF AN UNFORGIVABLE SPELL HE SAID DEAD WELL HE IS NOT YOU meanER hey that is the sorting hat thats nice. HELP WILL BE GIVEN TO YOU HARRY JUST WAIT FOR IT. hagrid looks quite happy tbh not really sad or anything. Why is he carried to the hogwarts castle tho. Harry is dead i dont think so whahhahahahha he will live. Even miss filch will not do such things and draco not either WHAHAHAHHA ITS YOUR OWN FAULT STAY DRACO NOOO DONT GO PLS. Nooooooooooo i had trust in you you fucker. NEVILLE TOO. No. No.nononononono. thats not going to what i dont remember what i was writing what are you going to say neville go boy yeah you go tell him pls. FRED WHY DID YOU DIE WHY TF. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH HIS FACE OHMY THIS IS GREAT I LOVE IT> THEYRE WEAK now yeah you run pls. Coward the malfoys arent they always have been stupid persons. Harry do you see them now is he right around the corner. GREEN is the evil colour wait they just swapped plaves how tho okay great anyways. You go hermione throw some rocks at him. Yeah neville wake up grab the sword and just go. Wait a moment why could they get into the vault with imperior because anyone could have done it like that and millions of things could’ve been stolen right lol. But wowowowoowowowoowowo you go weasley mother yass. Wowow courage to jump like that hold on to him tho harry or youll die honey. Wutttttttttttttrt have they formed into one for a sec wt is harry still the samen ow IF THE SNAKE is killed harry might live through this drave is YAAAAAAAAAAAAAS NEVILLEEE I LOVE YOU SLAYYY BOY NOW YOURE WEAK HOW DOES IT FEEL voldemort isnt going to win this time. The wand always belonged to harry never to dumbledore ohmy that is genious there he goees he is officially dead right now he didnt even live for so long he couldve lived longer as a normal human being to be honest. HEY LUNA I LIKE YOU. HEY HARRY AND GINNY LIKE YOU TOO. THEYRE SMILING AGAIN NOW ALREADY hey hagrid sweetie. Now he is the only person to live after the avada spell isnt he. Hey herron shipname hermione and ron hahahhahahhah. Its a big mess tho. Okay so via draco it was harrys yay dont throw it out pls. Or break it WOW YOU STUPID HAHAHHAH WHY THO. I guess it will only bring problems but yeah it is kinda hasty to do such a thing isnt it. so he just defeated the darkest wizard ever and only has a bleeding nose wtf hahahha how does he do it tho. WHAT A BEAUTFUL END oh lets see 19 yrs later. LONdon AWIE CUTE BOYS whose childeren will that be. HARRIES AND GINNIES OHMY SO CUTEEE HAHAHHAHA OHMY IM REALLY HAPPY LOL EVEN DRACO IS THERE. He has a ferret that is boring why not an owl. Ohmyyyyyyy herron have kids toooooo yaysyysysy im gonna cry theyre so cute. A#IEIWIIWIWIASDF@#PR UFJ SDK FJ SKDLFSDFKNDFLAKSDJFASJDFOIJAWLKSJDFIJSDLFKJSKDFJK. HES SO CUTE AS A DAD I WONDER WHAT HE DOES FOR A JOB> for a living more lolololol ohmy its so cute tho. 19 years later they havent aged a day lolololol.