#boils down to a love story

[thoughtfulchaos773]

A show about Self-hatred, Love, & Connection

TW: Self-hatred, Suicide also Sydcarmy warning for the antis

Carmy's self-hatred is a big part of his character and it's his biggest hurdle in getting past his trauma. His self-loathing becomes apparent in the first season, particularly in the episode "Hands," where he tolerates verbal abuse. This inner critic is rooted in familial and complex trauma, existing long before his experiences in NYC.

The Familial Pattern

Those experiencing self-hatred may or may not, be in a situation that requires them to be in contact with someone from their painful past, causing distress and a tendency to withdraw to avoid experiencing painful memories and emotions...

Jodi Clarke, MA, LPC/MHSP

The Berzatto family has a history of self-loathing, with Donna's mental barriers and emotional and verbal abuse, not just from her but from extended family members, who made an impression on the Berzatto siblings.

The episode Fishes dives into Donna's inner critic that's similar to Carmy's, she says no one would care or miss her, we see the reasoning for self-hatred from the berating of Carmy, to Uncle Lee vehemently telling Mikey he's nothing, to the unforgiving nickname for Natalie, such abuse and extreme criticism is to the point that it becomes ingrained in their thoughts.

Mikey unfortunately succumbs to the pattern, but Natalie breaks the curse by attending Al-Anon meetings and loving those who instills confidence in her.

Her own actions in seeking comfort lessen the impact of Donna's self-loathing influences, as she asks for an embrace from Steven. I believe that this moment shows us how connection can help calm down our extreme inner critic.

Also Natalie's connection with Pete helps her own self compassion and feeling deserving of the good things in life. Pete tells her how great the restaurant is. He easily gives compliments to Carmy. This treatment is foreign to the Berzattos but is embraced by Natalie as she breaks the cycle.

Connecting to those who make you feel good is also foreigner to Carmy, he struggles with Pete's compliments and receiving it, he pushes those away from fear of the unknown territory of feeling good.

Feeling undeserving is one of the reasons he avoids emotional intimacy with Claire. Not only does she remind him of a past filled with ridicule from Richie and Mikey but he can't understand why someone could love him. If he could open up and allow intimacy, he would be on the path towards acceptance.

Solace in Sydney

Theres one significant moment of self-acceptance and that happens in 2x09. Carmy's character growth is clear as he chooses to listen to Sydney's words and affirmation instead of ignoring them.

I want to note that it frustrates me when people comment that Sydney's voice only contributed to Carm's work-life when his self-hatred shows up in his personal life.

From "Let It Rip" to "You Were the Most Excellent CDC," we take a look in Carmy's potential to overcome anxiety and self-loathing. The difference between "Let It Rip" is that Sydney's voice and his bond with her and it gives Carmy moments of feeling good about himself like Natalie feels with Pete. That moment of acceptance is a big step in his relationship with himself and Sydney's love for him serves as one of the remedies for his self-hatred.

I want to emphasize that Sydney can't fix Carmy, but her company, talents, and aspirations help him feel good and encourage self-compassion and confidence. Sometimes, loving someone helps you fall in love with yourself more, as long as this person also supports you in the same way.

To beat loneliness and self-loathing, Carmy needs to open his heart and contribute to filling his own cup, then he could receive love when someone pours into him.

But it's funny because he's already doing this with Sydney. He allows her love to wash over him, and even through mistakes, he tries to believe in her the way she believes in him.

Carmy will experience true love for himself and others when he moves forward and strives toward a genuine connection (forgiveness, compassion, etc.). When Carmy receives that love, he will finally feel deserving of something good happening in his life.

[icecreampizzer]

Also really loved the antigrandma's design so I drew her too :] extremely normal old woman yuri in the cookie clicker

[24-compass-roses]

*sees subway* orv reference

*sees sunfish* orv reference

*sees lemon candy* orv reference

*sees a rlly ugly squid* orv reference

*sees character* orv reference

*sees reader* orv reference

*sees author* orv reference

*sees 49% 51%* orv reference

*sees sword and shield together* orv reference

*sees Korean guy in a white coat* orv reference

*sees Korean guy in a black coat* orv reference

*sees a constellation in the night sky* orv reference

*sees story* orv reference

*sees story based off another story* orv reference

*sees story based off another story that’s based off of multiple other stories because the thing about stories is they never really die, they just get retold and remade into other stories and the point of a story is to keep on telling it and telling it because it may save someone’s life someday* orv reference

*sees the incarnation of love itself, strong, raw, hurting, and absolutely desperate to reach one stupidly wonderful and wonderfully stupid person who so stubbornly refuses it each and every time because they don’t believe they deserve it despite a cacophony of voices loudly insisting that they DO, they do deserve it, and that maybe love isn’t something that’s earned through deserving at all but instead given and received* orv ref—

[mollysunder]

For once I actually went through the Arcane AMA and found those quotes about Silco's motivation. It's kind of wild to see it in full context.

First, I didn't even know the "dirty little thing" insecurity was an agreed upon perspective, I just thought it was one writer's opinion but no, Christian Linke (Praeco) let us know that was Silco's thing. Ok. I can see how that can tie in to how Silco and Jinx connected, personal insecurities from a hard life.

But then Amanda Overton (leeloo104) goes into detail.

I already know the creative team said they don't think political struggle is "relatable" (yikes), but I've never seen this extra tidbit before!

What do you mean this all so Vander will respect Silco again?!!??!? First of all I could really go in about how Arcane's team seem incapable of having any character fully articulate an actual in-depth explanation about on their grievances with the status quo and what changes should be applied that isn't somehow about familial validation. *looks at Jinx*

Instead, we need unpack how this motivation is at best, very weird, or flat out doesn't make sense. The quote makes it sound like Zaun was fully Silco's idea to win back Vander's love and respect, but Silco said a free Zaun was their shared dream. And regaining Vander's respect seems like a moot point when Silco killed Vander.

Unless Silco knows Vander isn't dead, and that Singed's been slowly turning Vander into Warwick. But then why does he talk to the Vander statue like Vander is dead? I don't doubt Silco wouldn't visit Warwick even in Warwick's confused state. Either way, the Vander that Silco wanted to receive validation from doesn't exist anymore.

I get that they probably wanted to connect Silco's motivation to Jinx's obsession with Vi, but that can be problematic too! It just ends up where Silco and Jinx are written in a way where their search for emotional validation takes precedence over any attempt for them to communicate a coherent and detailed observation on the surrounding politics of their environment.

It would be one thing if they were minor characters, or this was just related to Jinx because she's the youngest in the cast and her story is about understanding who she is. But it's both of them, Silco's at least in his forties, and they're a part of the main cast. On top of that, I'd say their the two most politically influential Zaunites in the cast, and we know NOTHING about what they stand for, what they think the future should look like. Nothing, just vibes.

[lazuliquetzal]

I keep on telling people you're the only one who knows how to plot. Can you teach all of us how to plot, please? I love you.

I AM SUMMONED? PLOT BRAIN SUMMONED?

I love plotting. It's my favorite part of the writing process. Plot is "things that happen" and the best part of writing is imagining things that happen. I'm going to assume that whoever may be reading this knows how to imagine The Happenings, so I'm gonna be talking more about structure, but in like, a kinda abstract sense.

A good plot is a little bit more than a string of events. Plot is like music: there's variation in rhythm and sound and melody, but ultimately there's cohesion, because it's all one song. You can have a bunch of wild things happening, but no matter how strange, there should be something that links them all together, because you're telling one story.

Plot structures are patterns in stories. I'm pretty sure most of them were developed as analysis tools (as in, story already exists > look! it follows this pattern) rather than as writing tools, but people use them as writing tools because it's a neat little way to organize the chaos that is "shit happens." Stories follow patterns for the same reasons music follows patterns: we enjoy the certainty of hitting certain beats. But we also like being surprised. A good pop song doesn't sound like a random collection of sounds, but it also doesn't sound like the middle slider of other songs.

There is this shared concept in both music and writing: the idea of tension and release. Basically, you're playing with reader expectation: there's an imbalance in the experience (tension), and we want to see that imbalance resolved (release). All the common plot structures deal with this basic pattern:

You set an expectation

There are complications to the expectation

You meet the expectation

And this rhythm is happening on multiple levels in writing. Scenes follow this structure (we're gonna get past that door, we're gonna find the murder weapon, we're gonna collaborate and come up with a plan) and all those scenes feed into the overarching expectation (we're gonna solve this murder!). I usually think of chapters as their own mini-story, part of the larger whole. And I think of scenes as their own mini-story, part of the larger chapter. I have engineer brain. I see the gears spinning in the clock. That's why all my chapters have at least One Important Thing happening, because that's that particular chapter's Step #3.

And One Last Important Thing:

In music, a delayed resolution is almost always more interesting than the standard resolution. In writing, that means you wanna drag out Step #2 for as long as you can. That's where the bulk of the story is happening, that's how you build tension, that's how you get people to turn the page.

So when you write a fake dating fic, those bitches better not get together until the very end. I came here for fake dating, not for real dating, damn it. If you resolve that expectation early on, you better replace it with a different expectation that's just as engaging.

But also don't drag it out for too long. Sorry. The hard part of writing is learning the difference between too short and too long. Writing is unfortunately a nuanced skill which is why my advice is like "do this but not too much teehee." But tension and resolution is just rhythm, you can build a sense for it if you engage with enough stories.

[girl-drink-drunk]

the way deadpool and wolverine was a celebration and memorial of all the 20th century fox superhero movies. they weren't the powerhouse cash machines like the marvel movies these days but they still mattered. they still happened. the way those characters were shunted off to the void to be forgotten by the tva/all of us but they came to help because they're still heroes was beautiful. also jennifer garner was elektra again and oh my god did you see her muscles-

[thisonetimeinmeridian]

I saw a targ stan on twitter say the targ loyalist in them was starting to get annoyed when a bunch of tiktok videos kept appearing all reacting to the Stark theme and Winterfell in episode 1. All basically saying that that's where their true allegiance lies, and it felt like going home hearing that. Like ok go off, but you could've just kept scrolling on past, but instead, you decided to get pissed off and mouth off on twitter that people loved and were loyal to a house that wasn't your pro-incest and blood supremacy house. It just makes me laugh and gives me a concerning amount of joy.

[centaurianthropology]

Why Spenser Starke is a Fantastic Horror GM (and the Core Fantasy in Candela Obscura)

So, I have seen some rancid takes about Spenser Starke online. Less so on this webbed site, largely because people around here are not in a pissing contest to prove who’s the most cynical, superior, and dickish. But there have still been some mind-blowing ones, from “he says UM too much” (guess who else does that? Brennan, but I don’t see these people criticizing him), or “he describes scenes like shots in a movie and that’s BAD WRONG” (while you might not stylistically enjoy it, I for one adore seeing a new interpretation of how to narrate while GMing, and think he’s doing great).

But the two that rub me the wrong way most are that he “controls the narrative too tightly” and doesn’t allow the characters to meander too long before throwing them back into the narrative, and that he’s “too harsh” in that even mixed successes tend to net characters damage of some sort. I saw accusations of “GM vs Player” mentality, but everyone was clearly enjoying themselves and the experience.

And that, I think, highlights the fundamental disconnect between these complainers and what’s actually happening on the screen: they don’t understand the core experience.

They have likely never played horror TTRPGs. They may have never played TTRPGs period, and instead are armchair DMs based purely on how Matt and Brennan DM, not really understanding that there are a thousand other ways to DM. But if they have played TTRPGs, I would guess that they’ve exclusively played D&D or its ilk. And I say that because there’s a very clear belief here that empowerment and ‘winning the game’, as well as wandering about freely to create your own narrative at your own pace are all fundamental parts of the TTRPG experience as a whole. But they aren’t. They’re fundamental to D&D, yes, but this is not what players come to a game like Candela Obscura for.

Each TTRPG has a central fantasy playing out. In D&D it’s heroic empowerment. D&D is mechanically built around getting more and more power and eventually defeating the big bad. A good GM in D&D, like Matt Mercer, focuses on giving out challenges, but always helping their players strive to overcome and grow and become better. This self-actualization is at the heart of the experience.

Horror games are not about that at all. The closest to that fantasy is something like ‘Vampire the Masqerade’ or other World of Darkness games, which do feature power growth, but the core fantasy is actually about learning that you are a monster. And embracing power will lead to even greater monstrousness. The horror in games like this is both political and personal, and the system is mechanically built to accommodate that horror.

And if you watch LA by Night or NY by Night, you’ll actually see that Jason Carl employs a fairly similar narrative tightness to his storytelling as that of Spenser Starke. Because a huge part of horror is about establishing and maintaining a mood. To do that, a DM has to keep a tighter rein on pacing, cutting from scene to scene and moment to moment in a way that is more directed than in D&D, because that helps establish and maintain the vibe being created.

Candela Obscura plays, thematically, a lot like one of my favorite games to run: ‘Call of Cthulhu’. CoC is a game all about disempowerment. The power differential between the players and the monsters is vast. Combat is vicious, short, and deadly, and direct combat almost always ends badly for an investigator. There is an entire chapter devoted to running away for a reason.

Both CoC and Candela are built on danger, vulnerability, and a constant sense of tension. And Spenser is fantastic at all of these. He keeps his narrative laser focused, moving between moments rapid-fire to keep up that tension, and to introduce new dangers. He is a ‘vicious’ DM only in so much as even mixed successes hurt. But this also keeps the tension up by keeping the characters and players on the edges of their seats. They are almost never safe. They are almost never well. They are constantly juggling dwindling resources. They are underpowered, vulnerable, and afraid.

And that’s the core fantasy here: exploring fear in a safe way. Being stressed out in a way you can leave behind as soon as the scene is done. Constantly living on the edge, fighting the odds, and knowing that you likely won’t succeed or will only do so at great cost. And he is masterfully keeping that intensity running through each session.

He gives characters time to talk about themselves, time for scenes to play out, until he feels the tension begin to flag, and then he pushes on. He never lets the air go entirely out of the narrative sails. He has a great sense of when a character needs a moment (his use of the red PTSD lighting exemplifies how closely he’s paying attention to his players and adjusting the setting to fit their moods). He sometimes pushes on, gets pushback from a player who wants another beat, and is always happy to give that to them. He keeps the pace up, but is always very careful to make sure his players have what they need to still enjoy this particular experience.

All this is to say that Spenser is absolutely killing it at being an exemplary horror GM. His sense of pacing and tension, his ability to direct action while still always embracing player autonomy, and using the mechanics of the system to never allow them to feel entirely safe are all great tools in a horror GM’s toolkit.

Horror games are not for everyone. Certainly there are plenty of people who only ever want the hero fantasy of D&D, but I think it’s important to recognize what the goal of a game is, and what constitutes success within those parameters, rather than parameters that only exist in an audience member’s mind, because they don’t really get how horror games work.

[puppyeared]

i think the reason why im so drawn to spirit tracks and pkmn scarvi is that having the legendary/princess as a companion rather than a goal that marks the games completion makes me feel satisfied the way i would after helping a friend

my brother always teases me about how I still havent finished botw after almost 7 years bc "id rather be out picking flowers" which i wont say is untrue. and yes i know Zeldas been holding off ganon for 100 years, yes i can get some sort of idea what her relationship with link was like by recalling memories and going through her diary. ive always loved botw for its unique storytelling and setting which makes it stand out, because it lets you get to know who you're saving.

but because theyre memories, it only works if theres something for the player to investigate that already happened. its retroactive (but effective nonetheless)

on the other hand, spirit tracks does something similar but instead of having the player try to piece together memories and interpret them as a spectator, you actually have an opportunity to get to know zelda yourself by talking to her and working together. besides making it a gameplay mechanic, giving the player control over how they interact with zelda makes it so much more personable.

and I find that making the goal feel personal instead of an obligation gives me more of a reason to work towards it. I know what kind of person botw zelda was but as the player, shes still very much a stranger to me. but spirit tracks zelda? thats my friend!!!! she invited me to go to the beach after we get her body back!!! i dont want to whip her to make her move faster thats mean :(

you know how hostage negotiators are trained to introduce themselves and get to know the person theyre negotiating with because its harder to hurt someone when you know what their favorite food is? its kinda like that, because it feels like im helping a friend than being told or led to do smth

and although i havent played scarvi myself, i feel an attachment to koraidon and miraidon even just watching playthrough clips because its like!! thats my weird scaly dog!! it loves sandwiches and we're friends!!! you know!!!!!!

[otrtbs]

The thing about the "I love you, that's all." in Art Heist, Baby! really is this moment of reflection for both James and Regulus at separate times and in separate places.

They're both grappling with impending death and taking stock of their lives. All the things they've said and done and all the things they'll never say and all the people they'll never see. It's a jumble of all the could've, should've, would've's in their mind but one thought shines through the clearest.

Love.

That's what they both want to leave with. That's what they want to take with them when they go. In the end, that's all that really matters. They had loved each other and been loved in return. Through crimes and heists and tumultuous families and soul-killing bank jobs, they loved each other. That's what mattered.

That's all.

[akkivee]

🙂↕️🙂↕️okay okay okay so so far within the og divisions we have:

❤️: they strive for a world where words solve conflict. they pointedly did not use mics to express this. at the end of the track, they’re dynamic as brothers has shifted to a more equal dynamic, where ichiro doesn’t feel so compelled to raise them

💙: they strive for a world without violence and used their mics to resolve the conflict. at the end of the track, they reject their status quo and aim to find a new one to change the world without the use of violence

💛: wanted to be real with each other and used their mics to get that across. at the end of the track tho, they say that truth doesn’t really matter anyway and stay true to the selves they formed their bond with

🩶: a battle of wills using the mics. jakurai’s love for yotsutsuji manifested in the form of sacrificing himself and dohifu trying to stop him using their love for their bond as mtr. at the end of the track it’s that love that’s saved jakurai, healed hifumi and elevated doppo’s status at work

and things have changed for all they’ve stayed the same so i’m genuinely curious where nagosaka fits in this lol

[ssruis]

Toya birthday 4Koma is the tenmas having a contest of who can make him the happiest on his birthday… I manifested this

[dear-mrs-otome]

Jude's maid story, quick and dirty:

Kate gets herself in a bit of a pickle out one day, stepping in to save a maid from getting beaten by her master when she had dropped the laundry by taking on the woman's duties. Jude mocks her for her goody-two-shoedness and calls in her owing him to make her act as a maid for him too.

He takes her to one of his warehouses and proceeds to humiliate her, demanding absolute obedience and making her crawl on the ground like a dog and bark. Then he pins her to the wall and threatens to take advantage of her (a bit hard to do sir when your leg between hers is only turning her on) - before he shifts from sadistic to furious and asks what she would do if she saw some OTHER woman in the position she was in right now/having been put through what she's been.

Kate of course says she'd help said woman, and Jude's all icy rage as he mocks her for wanting to be Pollyanna and thinking she can jump in to play the white knight to rescue people when she's a wimp herself. He says if she's gonna be like that she shouldn't come out with him she'd best just sit tight back at the mansion. Kate of course isn't having that and she defiantly refuses that idea...and an angry and exasperated Jude abruptly turns and leaves her there. Kate musing on how Jude was clearly trying to teach her a lesson about the 'real world' in his own horribly Jude way, and how as infuriating as he is she wants to know more about what makes him tick.

[blue-eli]

Ink October day twenty-nine: Wilder

To bewilder; to perplex.

Comparative form of wild: more wild.

[shinozaki-ayumi]

every day i am faced with the annoying reality that people either don't know how to analyze a text/story whatsoever, or they willingly ignore what the text/story tells them in order to mold it to their personal fandom-warped understanding of it

[blackhholes]

okay so i was thinking about season 5 deals with death but more specifically with the action of killing someone, because we have two situations where a main character kills someone that the narrative treats extremely differently.

the scene at the end of lie ability between lydia and vallack mirrors the scene at the beginning of a novel approach between stiles and donovan to a certain degree. in both situations lydia and stiles are acting out of desperation and it's a last resort kind of thing that they aren't even really cognizant of. lydia screams because this man has drilled a hole in her head and he's about to kill her because of his own obsession, the voices in her head are getting too loud and she just needs to get it out. stiles pulls the pin because he's been backed into a corner by donovan and he doesn't feel like he can do anything so he does the one thing he can do and it ends up killing him.

so then why when the scenes are so similar does stiles' turn into a season long arc and lydia's is never mentioned again? i think in large part it's because of their own feelings towards the events. immediately after donovan dies we see stiles panic, he calls the cops but leaves the scene before anyone can arrive and when the body disappears he becomes hysterical he starts doubting if donovan is even dead, it feels eerily similar the nogitsune when he would lose time and couldn't trust his own mind. but this time he can't blame it on the nogitsune he did it himself and i think furthers the shame and guilt he feels because before he was capable of explaining what he did as the nogitsune as not being him, that's not something he would be capable of, but suddenly he has to face the fact that maybe he is.

he repeatedly brings up how terrified he is of losing scott when it comes out because to him scott is this all-good person who would never stand by stiles after supposedly proving that there's something rotten about him. this forces him to retreat and pull away from everyone leading to the worst break up scene in television history between him and malia when she reveals she knew but it didn't matter to her. to him this is proof that the nogitsune wasn't completely a foreign entity from him so for someone to tell him it's okay is unfathomable.

this shiftiness and isolation is also why i believe scott was so quick to believe theo's version of the story, because to scott it makes sense that a violent murder like theo described would lead to stiles pulling away like that. he doesn't understand why stiles would act this way if it truly was self defense. i think reading the sciles breakup in season five as a latent showcase of nogitsune trauma for both of them illuminates both of their actions a lot better than if you were to read it as an isolated incident.

so back to lydia how come her killing vallack is never brought up again? it's because she doesn't feel the same levels of shame and guilt as stiles. she's a lot more pragmatic, she did what she had to do to survive and she understands that scott and the rest of the pack understand that as well.

so really what i'm trying to say is that the narrative weight for both these events has less to do with any perceived objective wrongness of their actions and is moreso a narrative tool to explore the emotional weight it applies to the agents over time.