#both leads do random little fuckups

[mermaidsirennikita]

in romcoms today you get like this chaste kiss at the end while they sorta get together

in Notting Hill (1999), the leads kiss, have a little thing without fucking and then she leaves for her douchey boyfriend, meet up again way later and have a wonderful time and FUCK, then there's an issue and she leaves again, and then Hugh Grant walks through several seasons while Ain't No Sunshine plays, then there's another little misunderstanding moment + a grovel from her, THEN a RACE FOR YOUR LOVE bit

and not once was I bored, I was iNVIGORATED throughout it

[the-other-art-blog]

okay i love anthony that pathetic disaster man but you are absolutely correct that he needed to apologize and actually talk to the people he hurt and make amends!! like why are people so upset about kate vs edwina when this clown was responsible for 90% of the bullshit this season. at least in the book he apologized more than once, and his fuckups weren't nearly as bad as in the show (and i say this as someone who didn't like him in the book and vastly prefer his show counterpart). this is a huge issue i have with the writers of this show, they prioritized stupid drama rather than consistent and natural character progression, then used kate's accident and the queen as a trump card to make everything okay, then rushed a happy ending without the main characters talking things through properly (the talks between kate and edwina dont count bc they dont address the actual issues they faced during the season). anthony esp needed to talk to both of them about why he did the things he did and make amends for it. with kate, the fact he denied anything happened between them, then proposed to her sister in front of her, then kept doing this inappropriate stuff around her, and the way edwina was treated throughout the whole thing - that should be a huge weight over any romantic relationship for a long time. with edwina, him pursuing her to that extent while making moves on her sister after proposing only for her to find out at the altar in front of a huge audience including the queen - she deserves to bully him forever and burn down at least one of his properties. imo the writers/actor interviews saying she just didn't care about him afterwards is a poor excuse, because he would still be in her life as a brother in law. like this stuff tears a family apart, the sharmas wouldnt survive thr scandal like the bridgertons would, he has the power here as the wealty titled man while kate and edwina would be shamed (edwina mentions that if he doesnt propose it hurts her prospects, kate tells him if he backs out of the engagement edwina will be ruined). he was running from his feelings for kate due to his trauma, but he could have proposed to any random lady that wasnt kate's sister. at no point in the story does he acknowledge how his actions hurt others and put them in impossible situations. the writers took things way too far with the love triangle and wedding for drama's sake which made their main leads into jerks without considering how they left little time for proper resolution. this happened last season too with daphne, the writers wont hold the main bridgerton siblings at fault bc that would make them look like the bad guy, but their love interests (who have so far been poc...) have to apologize multiple times

THIS!!!!

It's Shonda, prioritizing drama instead of developing healthy relationships and a good narrative is what she does.

[elopez7228]

Scenic Route 13/47

Read on AO3 : https://archiveofourown.org/works/18268208/chapters/43229774  

Start over : https://elopez7228.tumblr.com/post/620919089893933056/scenic-route-0147

***

“If you’re going to follow us on tour I’m going to have to introduce you to the others,” Ben told her.  

Rey chewed on her lip nervously and he practically read her mind.  

“Don’t worry about Syed. She can be a jerk sometimes but she’ll come around. She won’t cause you any trouble.”

He was heading to the door when her hand on his forearm stopped him in his tracks. Her palm burned on contact.  

He turned around, feigning disinterest. But he had lost the ability to speak for a second. What was he, fifteen again?

Rey’s hazel eyes locked with his own. She had freckles on her cheeks and nose and she looked unwittingly adorable, even in shock.

“Ben, is this Syed girl actually your girlfriend?” Her eyes widened, ”She always keeps track of who you take out or share your room keys with, doesn’t she?”

Ben turned to her, towering over her with his massive frame. One of his arms rested casually on the wall behind her. Rey didn’t move. She could feel his breath, his sharp cologne, and she could see the outline of his muscles through his t-shirt. She blushed visibly, looking down.  

Ben didn’t miss her reaction. “What? You’re jealous too?” He smirked.  

He was expecting it. Rey blinked. She inhaled him, and for a fleeting moment a memory replayed itself, surging back from the depths of her subconscious. She suddenly remembered the feeling of kissing him—prying his lips open and seeking out his tongue as she breathed against his mouth.  

But she didn’t remember how it had happened. Had it been in a dream? Was Ben worming his way into her erotic fantasies?

Ben was well aware that she was eyeing his lips, though she probably didn’t realize it herself. His heart beat faster and he swore that his pants felt tighter. He concentrated on making the tension in his gut disappear.  

“Don’t you worry, we’re not together. But let’s just say we have history,” he replied.  

It was a euphemism at best, but Rey didn’t want to find out. She nodded. “I...I should start the dryer,” she said lamely.  

The moment had clearly passed. Ben chewed half-heartedly on his lower lip. He’d wavered. He should have kissed her. He needed the taste of her lips the way a parched man needed an oasis. Had he missed the perfect occasion?  

Rey ducked out of the corner she had backed into, bending over in front of the washing machine in order to transfer her clothes to the dryer. Her phone bulged awkwardly  out of her front pocket, so she paced it on the machine next to her for the time being.  

He responded in kind by letting his arm drop in a futile gesture. “Okay. If you still want to shower, I think there are stalls by the pool. I can give you access. Looks like you have a good forty five minutes courtesy of the dryer.”

She avoided his eyes but managed to nod. “Yeah, sounds good, let’s go,” she murmured as she got up.

Out of the corner of his eye, Ben observed that she had left her phone behind on one of the washers. Taking special care not to touch the screen with his fingers, he slipped it into his pocket as Rey exited the room. Now he would know if she was truly an Earth Soldiers operative.  

He guided her to the pool area which he unlocked with his room keycard. It was an indoor heated pool, and she would find showers in the locker room. He turned to leave.  

“I’ll be in the lobby,” he clarified, “Rendezvous downstairs?”  

Rey thanked him and beelined to the changing rooms. He made sure to distance himself before taking a sharp left into a corridor. It was there that he pulled out his spoils from the laundry room.

It was some kind of Android.

He could just barely make out her fingerprints on the illuminated lock screen. But would he get the password pattern right without activating the autolock? He examined the traces carefully. It looked like an “E” on first sight.  

Failed attempt.  

Then he tried an “F”, an “F” for Finn.  

Bingo

He cracked a disbelieving smile as the lock screen dissipated.  

But he didn’t have much time. What should he look up first? He badly wanted to go through her Facebook, her social network, or her emails maybe...he could find her photos with Finn. What did he look like? He wanted to look upon the face of the man who was inconsiderate enough—or insane enough—to snub a woman who had no equal.

Concentrate Kylo, what are the vitals?  

Call history.

He scrolled through her recent calls and took screenshots on his own phone. Her voicemail was empty.  

Emails: Jessika, Poe, and what appeared to be work memos from her job...in England.  

Then, he opened her photo album. Wyoming landscapes, two selfies—with Phasma in the background —the sheer level of amateur fuckup  there was absolutely incredible at this point. He scrolled a little lower...

Ben chewed on his lip for the hundredth time that day.

A series of selfies of her and a young black man with a charming smile. He looked sweet and loving, if one were to believe exhibits A through Z of the evidence footage.  

Ben’s mouth suddenly went dry as he scrolled through the pictures of her trying on a wedding dress. A delicate, lacy A-line  gown with a corseted bodice and a short train. Her beauty was breathtaking.  

What struck him most was how happy she was, Ben had never seen her smile like that, with such effortless sincerity. He had finally gotten to know her well enough, after a string of haphazard encounters over the past three days, and now he felt a sudden pang of aching sadness.  

He took some more screenshots with his own device and noted the emails and addresses of Rey’s friends: Jessika Pava, Finn Storm, and Poe Dameron. He also recorded the name and address of her workplace, and listed all of her British connections (most of whom were employed in London). What the hell was she doing Earth Soldiers, then? None of it made sense.  

Either she really had no connection or she was communicating with the activists using another phone. The second option was by far more probable, seeing as she had access to both the Millenium Falcon and BB8.  

In any case, he had to give her phone back. He would rather not risk putting it in the laundry room for fear of having it truly stolen. He walked up to a room service attendant who was making the rounds with a cart. A fifty dollar bill ensured that she would take the phone to the reception desk and claim that she had found it on a dryer in the laundry room.

Then he headed to the lobby where Syed informed him that Shakti and Skylar were taking a tour of the city while the rest of the band were in their respective rooms.

So much for introductions.

While waiting for Rey to reappear, he sent a summary of his findings as well as some coordinates to Snoke, who would no doubt find suitable people to investigate each and every element he brought up. If they found a link had been established between her and Earth Soldiers, or the Skywalker clan in particular, he would be the first to know.

Rey emerged from the corridor leading to the lobby in a frenzy. She was wearing clean clothes but her bag was stuffed to the brim with the rest of her unfolded laundry. Ben and Syed rose to their feet simultaneously.  

“I’ve lost my phone!” she exclaimed anxiously, “It’s an absolute catastrophe, I won’t be able to travel alone without a phone—what if I drop dead in the middle of the desert?!”  

“Are you sure you checked everywhere?” Ben asked, “what if it’s at the bottom of your bag?” he hoped he sounded convincingly worried about the situation.

“No, I...I emptied all of the contents. And my pockets too. I’m retracing my steps...I went back to the laundry room but it wasn’t there I—“

“Try asking the front desk,” Syed suggested, “Someone may have seen it and turned it in.”

Ben raised an eyebrow, taken aback by this unexpected show of benevolence on Syed’s part. Rey’s face lit up.

“I didn’t even consider that! Thanks!”

Out of the corner of his eye, Ben saw Rey run up to the receptionist and exchange a few words before the woman presented her with a phone. She buried her face in her hands, her body visibly sagging with relief against the counter.  

Then he turned to Syed, cocking his head to one side. “What was that? Are you playing good cop now?”

She gave him a dirty look. “I’m a professional. I know my job, and I deliver. Did you have doubts?”

“Not for a second,” he responded. He then turned his attention to Rey, who was approaching them triumphantly, smartphone in hand. She gave Syed a brilliant smile.  

“Thank you so much, I was on the verge of a breakdown. And...sorry for the whole coffee thing earlier,” she said, extending a hand towards the other woman.

“Syed,” she said as she shook it, “No worries. Kylo tells me you’ll be following us on tour?”  

Rey glanced over to Ben, seeking his approval, but his face was impassive.  

“Oh, no, I mean, not the whole tour. Just some dates. To uh, have a few road stops here and there cause the drive is long,” she was babbling at this point, “It’s just that I’m traveling alone and it would be good to have people to meet up with if I’m having an off day—“ Rey paused, clamping her mouth shut before she could add or if some random blonde woman decides to follow me and steal my car. “—Anyway, I don’t want to spend too much time here in Jackson Hole, but I think I’ve decided to attend your concert tomorrow, if you don’t mind?”  

“Not at all, you’re welcome to,” Ben replied, “I can even give you backstage access, but we won’t have too much time to hang out because we need to set things up for the next show.”

“That won’t be a problem,” Rey smiled, “I’ll take the time to look around a little. Since I landed in Denver I was so busy I never had the chance to really see any of the place. Do you know what I could do around here for fun?”

Syed was going to throw up. It was hard enough to play nice for long without having to play tour guide too. Fortunately—or unfortunately—Rey only seemed to have eyes for Kylo. Alas, it seemed like Kylo was no better in that regard. If anything, he was worse. It took a painful amount of effort on her part in order to stop the bloody Brit from running for the hills. But she managed to keep her voice somewhat natural: “Well it is a winter sports lodge, you could always take the chairlift up the mountain and come back down on foot. Or go on a boat ride down Snake River a few miles north of here.”  

“Ah, a hike would be a great idea, but I’m not sure if dogs are allowed on the ch—oh shit, BB8!” She had completely forgotten that BB was still in the parked car, for over an hour now. She shouldered her knapsack, still half-open and overflowing with laundry, and ran towards the exit.  

Syed and Ben remained standing in the lobby, watching her run like the wind. As the automatic doors screeched to a close,  a feeling crept over them, like calm and devastation at once. Like going back home to examine the damage a tornado had done to your home. Everything was suddenly dead silent. Ben felt empty inside again, and he took a deep breath. As though he had stopped breathing in her presence.  

Syed sighed audibly in exasperation, “Okay, spill it. What the hell’s your problem?” She spat venomously.

“It’s her.” He responded, his mind a million miles away.  

“Trust me, I got that part.” She rolled her eyes, “Where did she come from? Why is Snoke interested in her?”

Ben turned to face her in a slow and deliberate movement. “I’ll explain, but not here. Right now your job is to monitor her every move. The good news is that the dog doesn’t recognize you. Unlike me, who it tried to take a bite out of, stupid mutt.”  

Syed’s eyes widened in amazement. “Her dog really tried to bite you? Are you kidding me?”

“It belonged to my uncle, Luke Skywalker. But it doesn’t add up: why is some English tourist touring the U.S. in Han Solo’s car, accompanied by Luke’s pet? There are too many coincidences here, I have to figure out her relationship with them.”

“So you can do what? Punish her with the intensity of your longing looks?”  

Ben blanched. The fact the Rey threw him off his game was one thing, the fact that Syed was picking up on that and threatening to use it against him...that, he would never tolerate.  

“We’ll see about that.” He said through gritted teeth. “Someone has to get her to talk. If I can get her to admit what my mother has been plotting against FORCE, I’ll sound the alarm.”

“And you think it’ll be some pillow talk confessional? Is that your plan?”

Syed maintained her sangfroid for the most part, but her voice shook with a certain anger that didn’t escape Ben’s notice...but he certainly approved of the idea of a pillow talk confessional. A flame licked down his spine, obliterating all his worldly pain for a moment. He managed to smile, looking for Rey’s telltale silhouette as he scanned the hotel lobby with his eyes.  

“And why not? The ends justify the means after all...and you’re going to help me.” He slid a hand into his pocket, revealing a packet of cigarettes. “I’m going to take a smoke break. Fetch the others, I’ll take care of Rey for now. We’ll meet up at the Gun Barrel Bar in an hour. I advise you to take this seriously because Snoke certainly is.” He turned to leave.  

Instead of leaving herself, Syed blocked him, placing a hand over the fly of his trousers. He was trying to hide the fact that he was still recovering from the idea of bedding Rey. She gave him a stroke from base to tip, smooth and fatal. Her other hand latched on to his torso, and she brought herself up on her tiptoes to graze her lips against his mouth. “Don’t try to hide the effect she has on you, Kylo” she whispered in his ear, “I know you by heart. Don’t try to tell me that this pillow talk scheme is all in the name of Snoke. You’re thinking with your dick here. Don’t screw over the mission you were assigned.  Be careful Kylo—you’re at risk of disobeying the boss man yourself. I hope that fucking her will be worth the pain, because you’re going to lose the mission, and your job.”

“Fuck you,” Ben hissed, and Syed let him go.  

“Whenever you want, wherever you want, baby. And I’ll be quick about it too.”  

She held up her middle finger as she sauntered in the direction of her room, ostensibly making sure that her point got across.

[jlf23tumble]

1D Day: Hour Four

Over the past few years, I’ve seen people try to insinuate that Zayn wasn’t into 1D Day, that he was moody or distant or some other adjective that implies he was on his way out the door, and to those people I ask, did you actually watch any of this, especially hour four? I mean, seriously, watch Zayn over the course of the whole day, but hour four is a revelation if you’ve ever had that notion. He’s witty, charming, happy, smiley, completely on board with every stupid game, and so professional with the fans and the rest of the team that he makes Liam look like an asshole (and Liam is so very far from being an asshole, like, ever). 

In fact, both Zayn and Liam are naturals as hosts; they’re a dream broadcasting team, and for all the (justified, mind you) attitude Louis and (especially) Harry throw down as the day progresses, it’s the complete polar opposite with Ziam. I could watch hours and hours of these two because they manage to convey that fake on-air TV personality chirpiness with a sincerity that’s endlessly compelling. They’re also off-the-charts HOT on this here day (Louis, too, but Jesus CHRIST have mercy on us in hour four). Let’s break it down under the cut.

Hour four kicks off with Zayn and Liam skateboarding onto the set, and Liam is honestly me with his plaintive “I’m really rubbish at skateboarding” as he basically stands on a board that somebody literally pushed in a straight line into the shot.

Zayn’s all excited that this is his first hour (like, he’s literally pumped up for it, and some could argue that he’s as coked up as Harry appears to be, but he’s not as aggressive, he just seems legit happy to be there). Liam’s an old pro by now, and the general mood is positive and calm, in spite of the mega fuckups in hour three and the immediate in-ear issues they’re both already experiencing. Help, they're so hot:

The first segment is about invention ideas from fans, and joining them in the Google+ Hangout (lmaoooo) is Peter Jones (Liam: “a very rich man”) from Dragon’s Den, aka the UK’s Shark Tank, and for all of his cash and presumably all of the D’s, this feels VERY low rent. Way to sell this Google ad, team…maybe that’s why Google+ is a total failure, hmmmm, makes you think. Anyway, the first invention is a 1D Kube, and noah fence to this fan, I’ve made better merch, c’mon, people think outside the box:

Because Peter’s gross, he suggests using nude body parts of the boys instead of their faces, and me as Liam, completely creeped out by that suggestion. The next idea is a 1D pillow, where you go to sleep, and the pillow pipes two 1D songs directly into your brain before powering itself off, but Liam wisely says this might be more distracting than soothing. Peter’s right there with the idea that it should instead offer up soothing pillowtalk (Zayn, take notes!), which instantly worries both me and Liam because it’s weirdly sexi instead of sexy sexi.

The final invention is fart pants, which boils down to deodorized boxers for people like Niall who practically shit themselves when they fart in closed tour buses (paraphrasing). Naturally, Peter likes this idea a LOT, and asks Liam a low-key invasive question about someone stealing his underwear, which leads to a riveting tale of the missing pants and a nervous Liam asking Peter exactly how he knew about this incident. Peter laughs it off as something he found online to embarrass Liam with, but try harder, asshole…they answer worse questions than this before breakfast.

Next, we get Julian “I can’t bother to find out how to spell his last name,” one of the D’s cowriters, in a cringe VT about picking up girls with 1D lyrics. It’s so fucking gross that only Ben Winston could have come up with it, and it goes on FOREVER, even though nothing about it is interesting or cute or witty or anything other than tedious yikes for the women involved. Even Julian knows it’s creepy, and he seems like a guy who’s pretty comfortable with creepy.

We get back in the studio to some actually attractive people who have chemistry together, and, no, it’s not Julian and John “I can’t bother to find out how to spell his last name either” (they make sure to sit far enough apart to maintain their extreme masculinity):

Liam has some good interview questions for these two, such as, “What’s your favorite song that you wrote on for this album,” and John thinks he’s clever by saying it’s both “Little Black Dress” and “Little White Lies,” but the real gem here is the audio of Liam creating “Better Than Words” out of thin air. Look at this fondness while we all listen to Liam’s genius (it’s kind of embarrassing, this whole bit):

We move to fan selfies, and Liam does a terrible Irish accent to request potato selfies for Niall. Moving on to the call box of doom, the two Larries currently rocking out in there seem to dig “Strong” the best (as you do), and Zayn, valiantly battling someone in his ears, politely whispers, “You can crack on listening,” before shutting the door softly.

The VT of randomness from New Zealand prompts Liam to ask, “Zayn, what did you get up to in New Zealand?” (the answer is getting a snake tattoo that’s one of Liam’s favorites on him, in case you’re wondering). But before we can ponder any of that too closely, it’s time for opera singer Rebecca to return for the excruciating opera version of tweets.

Scott’s on the scene to point out the obvious, i.e., Ziam makes it all look so easy, but this next segment is not for the faint of heart. The boys have to blindfold each other (!!) and then feel up crew members to see if they can identify them. Whyyyyy is this so tender:

Someone else blindfolds Liam after he does Zayn (Liam, after it’s done: “Nobody touch me”), and there’s a brief moment where they can feel each other, and Zayn says, “That’s you, Liam,” and fuckkkk me up, wowwww, it’s a lot to take in:

 Anyway, they go on to feel up a lot of doughy white guys to see if they can blindly identify them, and AGAIN, it’s gross because Scott keeps encouraging them to feel this person up below the waist, too (note, they don’t know if it’s a guy or a girl). Fortunately, it’s a parade of doughy white guys until they get to Lou Teasdale, and Zayn identifies her immediately because she’s so fidgety.

We head over to another Google Hangout, and god, words cannot express how good Ziam is at this because even though the same shit happens here as it does in the last hour, these two handle it all like pros. I live for Zayn’s, “Have you been watching the whole show? Are we doing a good job?” with an intense amount of sincerity, and thank god these girls give him the thumbs up because they truly are.

My fave part of this segment is the girls who ask them what their first CD and concerts were. Liam says Linkin Park for CD and Gareth Gates for concert, which earns him boos from the homophobes in the studio, but warm hugs from me. Zayn, who answers this fan question to Liam instead of the girls who asked it, says he can’t remember his first CD, but his first gig was JLS with the boys, and wow, the first date realness here:

Zayn’s genuinely sweet throughout all of these fan segments, asking questions and being invested in the answers, dawwww. The last question is about where they get the inspiration for their dance moves, and Liam says he blags its, but Zayn is here to kill us all by saying, “My inspiration for dancing comes from you, Liam (Louis in the background: “hahahahaha”) because you’re such a good dancer,” and god, I’m not ready for this right now, tbh.

There’s a BSE VT from the fans before a bingo spin to figure out who to follow (again, just follow them all, what does it even matter at this point, ratcha fratcha). But the most annoying part of this bit is that even *I* can hear the in-air buzz of chatter from Ben’s team, so I cannot even imagine how annoying it is in actual ears, holy fuck.

Next up is a live link to Finland, to say hello to the fans who created a massive fanbook that Zayn carefully flips through and sincerely thanks everyone for creating. The VT he introduces next is Louis playing footie, and YES, look at this angel who’s only 22:

Naturally, there are LOADS of technical problems and fuckups, but it’s so refreshing to hear that “hahahahaha” in a massive, empty arena, and to see him practicing a sport he clearly loves.

We’re back with the poor bastards running the Guinness Book of World Records, this time with Liam’s ass smashing balloons (Zayn: “If he wins, do we get our names put down as well?”). The first time is a bust (ha) that ends up hurting Liam’s balls (how, I don’t know):

Everyone agrees they can do better, but Zayn’s not having any further fuckups as he literally coaches Sandy in the background about how best to hold the balloons so that Liam’s ass can smash them in the most efficient manner:

Sadly, it’s not enough to smash the record, much to everyone’s chagrin, but there’s no time to fret or redo, we're off to Stan teaching Zayn’s school to sing (ooops, the VT is incorrect, it’s Scott teaching the X Factor staff to sing “What Makes Your Beautiful,” and they’re the shittiest singers ever, so go off on judging people, I guess).

As per usual, the highlights are fucking horrific. Can’t wait for hour five!

[orangeccreamsicles]

Dirk: => Theorize

TT: You know a lot about Sburb, don't you? TT: In the short time that I was a sprite, I cataloged as much information as I could, thinking it may come in handy. You could say that the knowledge granted to me could be categorized as "a lot". TT: That being said, I only know what a sprite would know. I’m not fucking omniscient. TT: Why? TT: I’ve been thinking about my future self.

TT: Ah. It’s not good to dwell on events out of your control or out of the realms of possibility TT: But it is still possible, is it not? TT: Under specific circumstances, I can foresee you becoming the you we were able to catch a glance of. Extremely specific circumstances. TT: And what about not becoming him, but becoming someone who ends up playing? TT: There is a greater possibility there. TT: That’s enough for me to want to do a little digging. TT: Fine. What is it you were looking to know? TT: Derse and Prospit are the two planets on which your dream self can appear, I know that already. Are there any conditions which must be met to appear there, and can they exist outside a session? TT: The game decides which planet you inhabit based, for the most part, on core parts of your personality, and just a bit of fuckery. TT: Alternates of myself have never appeared, separate from you or not, nor have any civilians, so I would deduce you must be an active player with their own form to appear. TT: I've known instances in which the moons and planets can be removed from their session along with its players, as well as instances in which a moon may be transferred to a new session, but there are no records of either Derse or Prospit existing independently from a session. TT: And my dreams? TT: They match very closely with accumulated descriptions of Derse. A purple planet, populated by black chitinous folks, violent in nature, and sensationalizing nobility not yet awakened. TT: A prince, a knight, a rogue, and a seer, tucked away in towers high above the general population, while a war stirs in the tabloids between the Dersites and Prospitians. TT: It is likely that your dream self has awoken early on Derse, but keep in mind that the possibility that these dreams are a reflection of your fears of the future taking form in rumors you’ve heard of a death game is also present. TT: Sure. TT: So. We may yet play the game. TT: We knew that the moment we realized who your future self was. TT: But the differences were large enough to disregard that future. What about now? TT: Now, it’s the same story. Nothing has changed, save for your newly acquired knowledge. TT: What about his cause of death? TT: That’s a different matter entirely. TT: Is it? Burnt to a crisp by a psionic. Have I pissed off any psionics that you know of recently? TT: The alternian empress has psionic capabilities. TT: Why the fuck would we be fighting the empress? TT: I’m not sure. TT: Who do you think it’s more likely would have killed me? An angry psionic from a separate timeline, unaffected by whatever may happen in this timeline but certainly affected by where I stick my nose and how far I take it, already known to be on bad terms, or a far off empress who barely acknowledges the Earth anymore, targeting some random fuck off already slated for death by a game created by who knows what. TT: We don’t know if it was just or heroic. TT: We can make a pretty good guess. TT: It could go either way. TT: One possibility is more likely than the other. TT: Perhaps. Don’t rule out other factors. You’ve met other psionics, we may meet more yet. TT: He was years in the future. We don’t know who killed him or for what reason. TT: We only know the cause. If that. TT: Didn’t he say you and Sollux were on relatively good terms? TT: He said that they were okay, but he fucked something up. I’d say this is as good of a fuckup as we’re going to get. TT: Fuck. I don’t want to see a worse fuckup than this. TT: Neither do I. It was pretty bad, dude. TT: Fuck off. TT: Oh, are we done? I can fuck off quite easily if you’re done wasting both of our times. TT: And by that I mean fuck off right back here, I’m not done. TT: Picking up on some of Vantas’ vocabulary, are we? TT: Pick up the pace. I may have all day but that doesn’t mean I want to spend it talking to you. TT: It’s still likely to turn out similar to the future we’ve seen. TT: It’s a possibility. One that’s more likely than, say, you turning into a murderous psychopath and killing everyone you know and love. TT: That’s comforting. TT: What else do we know? TT: He and Bo were matesprits up until his death. He and his session had yet to win. At some point he and Wig vacillated pale and pitch. TT: I can’t help but feel that last part is unimportant. TT: That’s all we know. What else do you want me to say? TT: Something more substantial than my imminent relationship drama would be nice. TT: I’ll be sure to let you know when you decide to talk about anything other than that. TT: Seriously, you do not shut up. TT: I’m lonely, I’m sad, I’m feeling angry and betrayed, can’t you find someone to vent to that isn’t me? Like Joanne! Or Roxy! Or Cass, I’m sure she’d love to know about how in the few hours after you came home and celebrated, you managed to fuck everything up! TT: Can we get back on topic? TT: Uncomfortable because you don’t want to confront your mistakes, aren’t we Dirk? TT: The future version of myself that we saw isn’t a self in which I’m able to become, at this point. TT: Correct. TT: But something similar is possible. TT: Likely, even, depending on how much of your dreams are real. TT: So. TT: So? TT: What do we do? TT: Don’t ask me, dude. you're the one this affects. I'm just the guy that runs the numbers and tries to keep you from getting too far into your own head. TT: By the way, I’m pretty sure that’s a thing you’re doing right now. TT: Is there a way to prevent the game if it’s already slotted to begin, or to stop it once it’s started? TT: Those two questions are, really, asking the same thing. TT: If it’s meant to begin, it’s already started. TT: In a sense, it’s always been running. TT: It’s already here, and all that. TT: The only solution I can see for now is to abandon this universe to be destroyed by the coming meteors, and escape to a new one. TT: Still, that is entirely hypothetical. Perhaps you’re doomed to play and it would simply follow you to your new world, dooming every subsequent place you choose to hide out in until the weight of the worlds you’ve killed drives you to face your fate. TT: Perhaps it doesn’t matter what you do. TT: ... TT: Too much? TT: I’ve been reading a lot lately. TT: You have a flair for the dramatic. TT: It has to have a beginning point, doesn’t it? TT: If it’s some sort of loop, there has to be a starting and ending point, even if they create themselves. TT: I have some theories regarding loops and Bro that you may want to hear out some time, by the way. TT: As if this conversation couldn’t get any more lighthearted. TT: The starting point would be the creation of the game itself, kickstarting events that would lead to the empowerment of the final boss, as well as the creation and destruction of the universe. TT: You’re getting a little off track. TT: Right. TT: The closest thing you could get to a starting point is the development and revitalization of old codes by the companies Skaianet and Crockercorp, depending on the universe. TT: Of course, those were only found, not created. TT: Those both sound pretty fucking familiar, dude. TT: They sure fucking do, man. TT: So Jane and Jade or Jake are responsible for the apocalypse game? TT: They had nothing to do with it in timelines I’ve studied. Plans for their development and release were far in development before either of them would have even be aware of their inheritance.  TT: So they could be in development now. TT: If they are, they won’t be released for a while yet. It’s kind of a big fucking deal in any timeline when they’re announced. TT: Great. TT: So the bottom line is, either I’m fucking delusional and seeing things where they’re not, TT: Entirely likely if you ask me. TT: I didn’t. TT: Or, we’re completely fucked, my dream self is awake, one of those companies are going to release a death game that we either ignore and go down with the rest of the world, or play and have an extremely high if not guaranteed chance of dying in some other horrific manner. TT: That sounds about right. TT: And even if we survive, that only heightens the chance that I’m going to fuck up yet again and piss Sock off enough that he burns me to a crisp. TT: The future is bright. TT: Fuck! TT: Lmao. The chances of any of these things happen individually are low enough, but the longer you go on the worse the chances get. TT: BUT. TT: If you’re so worked up about this then we can plant a copy of myself in Mom’s lab. TT: Skaianet has a subdivision studying and predicting meteor paths, that’s what she does. TT: Kind of suspicious that a company responsible for the end of the world VIA meteors has a branch dedicated to looking at them. TT: Or, it’s a major company that deals with all kinds of fields, the largest of all being the development of new technology, which happens to line up with the massive influx of advancements regarding space travel that communication with trollkind has brought upon us as a society.  TT: I like my theory better. TT: You would. TT: This is something that you’ve had on your mind for a while, yeah? TT: I’ll tell you right now, it’s not going to happen, and if it does, we’ll be able to figure it out in time to make a real plan about it. TT: So stop fucking worrying about it. TT: If there were a problem, I’d tell you. TT: You’ve made sure of that.

[akatokuro]

The Inevitable StS Rewatch, Episodes 20-22

AH YES, AFTER TWENTY EPISODES, MY TRUE ANIME STS NEMESIS HAS ARRIVED....... THE ANTI-CAMUS.............

- When I first watched Saint Seiya a million (or six) years ago, I didn't really have a strong opinion on the Crystal Saint. Like, yumetabibito made sure to inform me what was actually up with the "Hyouga's master" situation, and it was obvious at a glance that Camus was the superior option for drama and Hyouga's development, but... he seemed okay for what he was?

- But on rewatch, phew, the Crystal Saint comparatively is... really, really bad!

- And it's not like Camus got much more screentime or anything versus the Crystal Saint. Camus is literally featured in like two episodes total out of 114. I don't even really count Camus as being present in the majority of the Hades arc, because he's there as part of a blob with a Saga-shaped head so Saga can dramatically Athena Exclamation at people. But even so, Camus is so much a better character in like every way possible holy cow.

- Before delving into that, though, I do want to note that a) Marin is super cool! and b) these early Aiolia cameos continue to be charming and also hilarious. I really seriously doubt Toei knew Aiolia was a Gold Saint at the time of writing these appearances, and only had his cameo in the first chapter of the manga to go off of. This leads to some really weird but ultimately interesting depictions, like the Silvers repeatedly disrespecting poor Aiolia hard. It was an accident, but it really works for his character and his endless, endless rage.

- Also, Shun and Saori's friendship is cute as fuck. See, this is why even though the filler is ridiculous, I do like some of the feelings of the dynamics we get out of it before the Bronzies get trapped by eternal stairs.

- I LOVE that Seiya repeatedly loses against Shaina early on and keeps having to be rescued from her by others. I really do like Shaina, but I think her having a crush on Seiya is super unnecessary and a total shame - I love her as ruthless and effective, but not necessarily evil.

- Marin throwing shade at Shaina and trolling her is fantastic. Shaina, fall in love with Marin, not Seiya, goddammit! She is objectively the superior option even putting aside Seiya's brain eventually going full broke for Saori!

- My Camusfamily-loving heart did eeeee to get a quick peek at the village I'm sure they had to go to to buy supplies and such. Please give me a filler episode of nothing but Camus terrifying the grocers as he simply tries to purchase carrots for his kids. Look, he doesn't mean to be scary, guys, he's really just figuring out which carrots to buy, it's just his face...

- I always wonder what's up with Camus (and his kids) wearing, like, the sleeveless shirts but also legwarmers? okay guys.jpg

- Okay okay okay. Crystal Saint time.

- It's really funny to think that the Crystal Saint actually probably preceded Camus as a character concept, since we know Kurumada literally pulled Camus straight from his ass ten seconds before introducing him. What makes it kind of a fun thought exercise to compare both of Hyouga's mentors is that they're really the same character concept and "type."  In some ways CS almost feels like a rough draft for Camus, honestly: Hyouga's kind-hearted master who loves him, and really wants the best for him, but whom Hyouga is tragically forced to fight and kill. 

- Crystal Saint, however, plays this absolutely straight with zero nuance or deviation from the script. He is a Good Guy (slaughtering the poor Sanctuary guards and snapping that one dude's neck aside) who objects to Sanctuary's brutality and evil. He smiles and laughs and pats Hyouga on the head and openly encourages him. The only reason he and Hyouga are forced to fight is because he is literally brainwashed.

- Aquarius Camus, on the other hand, needs no fucking outside influence or brainwashing to make a giant fucking trainwreck out of the situation involving the student he loves. HE DOES IT ALL ON HIS OWN, BABY.

- That instantly makes him a better character, because Camus - again, with pretty much the same amount of screentime - manages an interiority and an agency because he's conflicted about what he's doing and does not know the right or best thing to do, and his priorities are a complete tangled mess. He doesn't have it in him to just turn against Sanctuary on a whim. But he doesn't want Hyouga to die. But he doesn't go out of his way to find out what Hyouga is trying to do and if it's right or not, because oh my god Hyouga is going to fucking die aaaa aaaa aaaaaaaaaaa oh god aaaaaaaaaaa

- Part of what makes me like Camus so much is that he feels really interesting and unique for a "good shounen anime mentor" in what an utter fucking mess he is. Most characters in his type, like the Crystal Saint, essentially have their shit together to be very stable and solid figures for the protagonist to fall back on. They might put up a certain harsh facade in order to push their students forward, but ultimately they are in control of themselves and are deliberately orchestrating how they present and such for their students' benefit. I'm thinking of, like, figures like Hiko from Kenshin, or Izumi from FMA, those sorts. But not Camus. He is held in extremely high regard as a beloved mentor by the text - "not a day goes by that I haven't thought of you!" cries Hyouga (lol), and there's no questioning his love for his student, but he is a legitimate panicky fuckup who makes an assload of genuine, unnecessary mistakes in how he handles things.

- I should probably save some of my Camusramblings for when Camus, like, actually shows up though huh. OR I COULD JUST REPEAT MYSELF WHEN THE TIME COMES. YEAH. I'LL PROBABLY DO THAT.

- I also want to note that it's fucking hilarious that, like, Yakov tells Hyouga "oh no the Crystal Saint is evil now" and Hyouga is like "sounds legit" and fights him; meanwhile against the, er, "master of his master", Camus, Hyouga cries and breaks down and can't bring himself to punch him. I... hmm. HMMMMM

- But that's what makes Hyouga and Camus's relationship great and fun. The love between them is what gets emphasized, more than anything else - because their duty as Saints gets very entangled in the doubt that that love brings them.

- ANYWAY. MOVING ON. tl;dr, Camus is so obviously a superior option for "Hyouga's tragic mentor" in every way - as an individual character, and in his relationship with Hyouga, and how events play out - it's obvious why the franchise as a whole sort of innocently whistled and nonchalantly kicked Crystal Saint down a cliff.

- Shunrei and Shiryuu are cute as fuck! I don't give a fuck! They're sort of fun and unique in this setting as Shunrei is a "normal person" who is forced to just sort of deal with what it means for her beloved person to be a Saint.

- W-why do soldiers from Sanctuary have guns...?

- WHY BUILD A COMPLETELY RANDOM ICE PYRAMID?

- I like how they even ask the filler villain "why the fuck are you building a random ice pyramid" and it's like "IT'S A MONUMENT OKAY. FOR REASONS."

- I do like Hyouga being well-known and beloved by the villagers, though! I could totally see that! Playing interference for his extremely socially awkward master when they need to buy carrots...

- Camusfamily is forever my favorite, but Dohkofamily can be pretty fucking cute too...

- Boy, how many times is Saori's house gonna get blown up...

- Saori's reactions continue to feel really fluid and fun if you pay attention to her. I really like her panicking at first at her house getting blown up (AGAIN), but then forcing herself to hold it together and do the rationally correct thing, with obvious difficulty.

- Tatsumi you useless FUCK

- oh my god tatsumi giving in instantly and giving them information. why didn't you  guys let ikki kill him. jesus fuck

- It's a small thing, but I appreciate Saori remaining focused on her worry for Shun in this situation instead of, like, falling back on crying for Seiya or something. It's a bunch of little things like that that make me able to like them as a shounen hero/heroine pairing. Saori has a lot of different things on her plate, not just Seiya.

- Chains aren't the best weapon to fight against a fire-based Saint, huh, Shun? Try hard! If only your boyfriend was here!

- PHOENIX IKKI TRIUMPHANTLY REAPPEARS IN THE ANIME EARLY TO DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING UNTIL HIS MANGA REAPPEARANCE EXCEPT BE REALLY CREEPILY OOC. THANKS, IKKI!

- i know it's a meme but i still can't deal with that bit ikki waving shun's tears in his face what the fuck

[kittymonks-fanfiction]

Genderswapped Nations Review - Chapter 2

Hello all, welcome back to Genderswapped Nations! Last time, we found an American girl named Ariana being kidnapped by Prussia and dragged to Germany against her will amongst a bunch of other American girls because Prussia thinks they’re the female versions of the personifications of entire countries and wants to lure said countries to Germany for whatever reason. Now for chapter 2, when things get interesting.

..And yes, I’m aware that it is both a Friday and a few months after I launched this blog. I’m a fuckup. 

Chapter 2: Conversation and Costumes

In the long scheme of things this title isn’t horrendous, but it’s still not good. Every chapter has conversations, so the only relevant word to the plot of the chapter is ‘costumes’.

…and unfortunately, that’s also one of the worst parts of this chapter.

The door to Ariana’s room opened, revealing one living room with the other eight gender swapped nations sitting on four sofas.

TITLE DROP!

Ariana sat on the sofa with Louella and Kierra. However, when Ariana sat down, Louella stood. She walked to the center of the living room.

Wow, that’s cold.

“Girls, let us first silently thank that Prussia guy for letting us have one hour to converse amongst ourselves.” She said.

1; you’re not really thanking him ‘silently’ if you’re thanking him out loud. 2; how do you know that you’ll be able to talk to one another for an hour? Who told you this information and didn’t tell the others?

Ariana noticed that Louella was gaining a German accent, like she had begun to develop an English accent and see a flying green bunny everywhere.

What the hell? Are they just shapeshifting into miniature versions of their counterparts through magic? Did Ariana magically inherit the same hallucinations as England somehow?

“Anyway, this is about what to call each other. Everyone knows what nation they are the gender swap of, correct?”

All of the girls nodded. “Anyway,” Louella continued. “We will now refer to ourselves and each other as our male counterpart countries. For example, my name is now Germany.”

“No, Louella!” Felicity whined. “Your name is so pretty, don’t replace it!”

“Now Italy…” Louella began. “We need to act like our counterparts more. Don’t argue, just do it!”

Okay, this is ridiculous. They haven’t even met their counterparts, don’t even know if they really exist, and yet Louella is totally set on pretending to be them for some reason. They aren’t actual nations, they’re just a bunch of kids! Even the nations get ‘human’ names when they aren’t personifi-nations, so if these kids aren’t nations, why are they insistent on calling themselves by nation names?

By the way, hey guys, some German extremist kidnapper told me that I’m the female version of the male-gendered personification of the Shenandoah River. Don’t call me Kitty anymore. Call me Shenandoah River. I know that’s stupid because male!Shenandoah River, who is the actual Shenandoah River that has been around since it was carved by the glaciers that cut across North America millions of years ago, is a good friend of ours, but trust me on this. That guy who was cackling like a supervillain and doesn’t seem to have a real plan is just really convincing for some reason.

“Why do we have to listen to you, Louella?” Ariana asked curtly.

“Because I heard Germany leads the meetings with the nations,” Louella said smugly.

In the first episode of the anime and Paint it White, maybe, but not in real life politics—and probably not in the canon of Hetalia, either.

“But you aren’t Germany!” Ariana said. “None of us are supposed to be the nations they already exist! We don’t need to copy them!”

“Is that right, England? Because you’re attitude is almost a mirror image to the real guy,” Louella noted.

How does Louella know this? And never mind that, this is just like Prussia labeling her as the literal embodiment of the UK in the last chapter because she said she liked tea, only here it’s because Ariana is complaining and England is known to complain. Everyone complains! I’m complaining right now!

In fact, get in touch with Shenandoah River--he’s just as much as a whiner. I mean, he complains about the amount of E. coli that’s been getting into his water, but hey, I’m complaining about shit too.

Ariana realized that Louella was right. It must have been the room!

…Heh?

It was the room she was in that was leading her to act and sound like Britain, and made Louella feel like the boss of everyone else and want to change everyone’s names!

What?

Louella’s probably more like Germany than I am to England, she thought, because that Prussia guy noticed Louella’s tough spirit in that throne room, and must have somehow made her turn into her counterpart faster.

Sudden confusing change in narrative, and…Say again?

Felicity was acting exactly like Italy, and knowing Prussia’s image of Italy, her room was on low.

Well that doesn’t make things any better. That’s just mean.

So to get things straight, these rooms are decked out with a lot of stuff that’s meant to brainwash these kids into acting like they’re from particular nationalities so that they’ll better fit Prussia’s image for them so he can lure the other countries to Germany for some unknown reason? And these rooms have ‘knobs’ or something that can be used to set a room ‘on low’ if wanted? If Germany has that sort of technology , then someone should be raising some red flags! That’s a major human rights violation, I’d think.

But really, that’s just about the stupidest thing I’ve heard all day.  

Alexis got up, and headed for a door.

Just a door. She doesn’t know which one. She could be walking into a screaming metal death trap as far as she knows.

“America, where do you think you’re going?” Louella questioned.

“I have to find the restroom,” Alexis said.

It’s been how long and nobody’s had to use the bathroom yet? That’s not at all realistic. Somebody would be crying and complaining right now if this was a real kidnapping situation.

“And my name is not America! I’m Canada!”

“Whatever you say, Canadia.” Louella said, before continuing to talk to the other gender swaps.

Alexis’s learned helplessness is real. Louella told them to start calling themselves and each other by their nation names and Alexis is the only person who went along with it. Not to mention the return of that stupid joke that probably only came up in the English dub of the anime once.

ALEXIS ABUSE +2

Alexis exited a random door from the eleven doors in the previous room.

Honey, you could be walking right into your death right now. You’ve been kidnapped by a probably-deranged person alongside a bunch of other little girls who are all getting stupid accents for some reason. What if you walked in on something you weren’t supposed to see?

But instead of a restroom, she found herself behind Prussia’s throne in the throne room. Prussia was talking to one of the black-clothes men when Alexis opened the door.

Like that! But why does Prussia randomly have a door leading from his ‘throne room’ (who the hell has a throne room just in their house) to a living room surrounded by eleven bedrooms? Why did he leave it unlocked? Prussia, one of those girls—probably your brother’s counterpart, if I had to wager a guess—could have hacked off the leg of a couch and used it to smash you in the head, allowing for an easy escape while you’re unconscious. Did you really not think this through?

“I’m not going to keep those girls for that long,” Prussia said. “I’m going to kick most of them out sometime tomorrow.”

If the nations aren’t already coming from Berlin, then how do you expect a bunch of people to get to Germany from all over the globe, including from North America and Asia, within a day?

Is this meant to suggest that he doesn’t want the nations to show up and get their gender swaps? Does he just want to troll everyone by leading them on to believe that they have gender swaps by brainwashing a bunch of girls and letting them out afterwards so they’ll never get to meet them?

You’re walking on thin ice, man! It’s a miracle that you haven’t disappeared over all these years, don’t push your luck by trying to get yourself killed!!

“What do you mean by ‘most of them’?” The black clothed man asked.

“I’m going to keep around only the gender swaps of the nations that would get the most pissed if I did that,” Prussia said. “I’m just going to keep the German one and maybe America’s and England’s gender swaps.”

He literally wants to die right now. He wants the other nations to kill him. He doesn’t want to be the one to off himself, so he’s goading all of the other nations on so they’ll kill him and he can basically commit suicide by cop. Jiminy Cricket, this got dark fast.

“And you’re just going to send all the rest of them out into the cold?” The black clothed man asked.

“What else would I do with them?” Prussia questioned.

What the fuck time of year is it? It’s cool enough that Ariana can hang around outside with earbuds in without freezing to death in America, but apparently it’s cold and snowy in Germany?

“You could put them up for sale on the internet,” the black clothed man suggested.

“Nah, do you know how often America is on the internet? He’d bid on them in a second.” Prussia said, sounding somewhat bored.

America specifically? What about Sweden? Considering that he bought Sealand off of the internet (which is probably what this is a reference to), it’s far more likely (and far more canonical) that he would take notice rather than America. I mean, America should be hot on your tail because you kidnapped nine American citizens and brainwashed them, but apparently in this wild storyline he’s not.

Not to mention all of the continued child trafficking implications that come with the suggestion of selling little girls on the internet.

“So, let me get this straight; you’re going to be sending six kids into other countries and expect for them not to be found?” the man asked.

Alright, who the heck is this guy? I love him. I want to give him a commendation for pigeonholing Prussia’s entire plan for me.

“Now that I think of it, it would be a very bad idea to just send off those children and let them be other countries’ slaves.

Past me, what year do you think it is? Illegal immigrants into other countries aren’t taken as slaves, especially if they’re little girls! Do I have to mention human trafficking again?

And I don’t think they would last more than a second if they wandered into Switzerland’s place!” Prussia exclaimed.

Because Switzerland is well known for shooting little girls who wander into Switzerland? Geneva Convention? That sketch in the anime about Italy being shot at for wandering into Switzerland’s yard was a joke about Switzerland shooting down planes flying in its airfield during World War II because of its neutrality. Since WWII is over, he’d have no reason to shoot everyone who comes into his yard!

You’ll see a continued series of mistakes that occurred because I didn’t know anything about history before watching this anime and took events/interactions literally instead of figuratively, often resulting in events that took place in the past (when the anime is primarily set) taking place--or continuing to take place--in the present (2012, that is--when this story is supposed to be set).

“But, it would send the other countries into madness if something bad were to happen to their gender swaps… Still going with my plan.” With that, Prussia stood up, and left the throne room through a different door than the one Alexis was behind.

So he literally is just trying to troll all of the countries and make them want to kick his ass? I can see him being a troll, but I can’t see him trying to make a bunch of other nations—most of them being his friends—want to wage war against him for no reason other than him, presumably, being bored.

Alexis gasped, and closed the door. She entered the living room area again, to see Louella speaking about what she believed would happen when they were released. “We should all stick together if our counterparts decide not to bother picking us up,” Louella said. “And just try to reach an airport and get to our respective countries.”

You mean the United States? Because that’s where you’re all from. You can speak with accents and call yourself by nation names all you want, but that’s still where your parents and your citizenship remains. You don’t even have passports with which to travel to other countries! It would be much easier to go to Interpol instead. And how do you mean to pay for all of those plane tickets across the world? With USD you may or may not have? You’re in Germany!

Ariana noticed Alexis enter again.

This is a relatively rare occurrence, only happening now because Ariana is a Mary-Sue starting after the first chapter. Yeah, you didn’t think it could get worse from there? It has.

“I have something to say, everyone,” Alexis began. But just as she was about to tell the rest of the gender swaps, Prussia entered.

“Get into your rooms now.” Prussia said simply. All of the girls left into their rooms, and Prussia exited again.

That was so curt and sudden and ridiculous that it’s almost hilarious. It’s like Prussia knew that Alexis was about to tell them something important because the fourth wall told him so he popped in specifically to make her stop it. And everyone just went along with his demand even though they had no real reason to do so.

Later, the original England got on an airplane, along with all of the other countries with discovered counterparts.

Okay, so they weren’t in Berlin earlier. In that case, where were they? Were they at the UN headquarters in New York or something? If that’s the case, then why didn’t America mention the fact that American citizens were kidnapped by German extremists?!

England had to sit beside France on the plane, so of course England had nothing to do.

“I bet your counterpart is very dumb,” France said when he noticed how angry England was because he had to sit beside him.

“I bet yours has a beard,” England said.

Boys, how old are you? Those are obviously insults written by a twelve-year-old me, not to mention that they’re totally random and stupid. Neither had really any prompting to insult the other and doing so is only going to make the flight more uncomfortable for both of them.

France growled, and the speakers in the plane boomed. “This will be a day long flight. Passengers, please fasten your seatbelts. Get ready for takeoff.” The place then ascended into the air (With a frightened Italy and annoyed Germany on board), on its way to pick up the counterparts.

On its way to re-kidnap kidnapped girls.

Ariana fell asleep that night, woke up and saw an odd figure looming over her bed. Ariana didn’t know who or what it was, but certainly hoped it wasn’t Iscah.

Oh yeah, she exists and I guess everyone is now afraid of her even though she hasn’t said a single word since she was introduced last chapter (no really, go look! She’s been mute this entire time). But why would she assume it was one of the other girls? The door is locked so no one can get in or out without, presumably, a key. Even if they could somehow get out of their rooms, it’s impossible to think they could have gotten into Ariana’s. 

But the English counterpart turned on the lights to Francisca. Ariana screamed. “Francisca, what are you doing in my room?” she asked franticly.

Oh, I guess she was right to suspect one of the other girls. But still, how did Francisca get in? She would have had to phase through the door like some kind of specter.

In a full-blown French accent,

As opposed to a half-blown French accent I guess,

Francisca replied, “I just got the sudden urge to stalk you. I don’t know why.” She then chuckled exactly like France.

I’m sorry, what? That’s not normal for any person to say or do! That’s not even something France would do in canon! What the fuck?

“How did you even get in here?” Ariana asked.

“When Prussia dismissed us to our rooms, I hid under a couch until everyone was gone, and when you were napping, I snuck underneath your bed.” Francisca said with a sly smile.

That’s ridiculous! If the doors are all locked—presumably using an automatic lock system or keys—then how would Francisca get into Ariana’s room by locking herself out of her own room and then going into Ariana’s? If Prussia’s lock system could so easily be thwarted by a thirteen year old, then what’s the point of it?

“So, now what?” Ariana asked after a short span of awkward silence.

“I don’t know, what would France do about now?” Francisca questioned.

I don’t know, fuck off? You scared and humiliated your rival, now leave and stop creeping around like some weirdo.

…and if you couldn’t tell from this entire situation, younger me really didn’t like France. She thought he was a weirdo. I mean, he’s not a saint, but at least he doesn’t do this.

“Does that even matter?” Ariana asked.

An ominous voice from Ariana’s closet said, “I know what France would do…”

What is that meant to imply? It had better goddamn not be what I think it is, past me. I will knock you into this Tuesday.

“Iscah, get out here!” Ariana shouted.

Iscah exited the closet,

Insert a joke here.

and walked over to Ariana, who just got out of bed. “And what where you doing in here, Iscah?” Ariana asked.

Iscah’s face turned ominous as she said, “You would be freaked out if I told you.”

What, were you going to murder her? Or were you just intending to scare her further?

“I’m already freaked out! I’m just glad Francisca woke me up before you could do anything to me,” Ariana said.

“I wasn’t planning to wake you up,” Francisca said.

“You were just going to let Iscah do whatever she was planning to do to me?” Ariana asked.

“Pretty much,” Francisca said, nodding.

Oh my god, she is. Past me was implying rape. What. The. Fuck.

I WAS TWELVE WHEN I WROTE THIS.

“So I can go to sleep sane,” Ariana said. “Anyone else in my room?”

Allison stepped out from the closet.

Insert a joke but with more USUK shipteasing here.

“And why are you here?” Ariana asked.

“Iscah was in my room, and she was creeping me out way too much.” Allison said with a frightened face as Iscah looked to her with the ominous face.

“So, you decided to come into my room, hide in the closet, and then wait there until morning?” Ariana asked.

“Well, yeah.” Allison said, sounding very dim-witted.

“the ominous face”

No but seriously, if Allison was running away from Iscah, then why would she enter Ariana’s closet along with Iscah and chill out in there until Ariana told her to come out?

“Will everybody just get out of here?” Ariana questioned.

Allison walked to the door, and tried to open it. “Nope, we’re locked in.”

Well no shit! What did you expect? It’s a miracle that you managed to glitch through your door to get here in the first place, Allison! You didn’t hide in the living room to access Ariana’s room (which apparently works, according to Francisca), so your escape doesn’t make any sense. But really, if all of these girls could just leave their rooms anyway, why don’t they ollie out of Prussia’s lair and get the police before any more shenanigans can happen?

Ariana screamed in a very ghastly manner, because now she had to share a room with Francisca and Iscah, and only Iscah because Allison had led her in here.

“But why would you sneak in here and not Felicity’s room? She wouldn’t have woken up.” Ariana said.

Uhh, wow, thanks for throwing Felicity under the bus for no reason Ariana. What did she ever do to you to warrant you calling her stupid earlier and trying to have her room invaded now??

“She wasn’t there.” Allison said.

And shame on you for having the same idea!!

Just then, the Italy counterpart stuck her head out from under Ariana’s bed. “Hello, everybody!” she said in a cheerful matter before receding back under the bad after seeing all of the other counterparts staring at her. “Goodbye!” she said as she went back under the bed.

See? Look how precious she is! Never mind that she has no reason to be in here right now, she didn’t do anything to deserve such horrible treatment from her new friends!

Ariana had a creeped out face that she then replaced with uneasy smile. “Iscah and Francisca, would you go into the closet?”

Both of the two counterparts went into the closet,

Um…why? Isn’t Francisca freaked out by Iscah as well? What reason would there be for them to go in there together? They’re not being forced and, if Iscah is supposed to be a carbon clone of Russia, then she shouldn’t appreciate being bossed around by someone ‘weak’ like Ariana.

and Ariana covered the door with the desk and chair in her room so they wouldn’t be able to do anything to her during the night.

And yet she doesn’t do this to Allison because…she’s not as creepy? Plot twist; she was actually the one who showed up to draw dicks on Ariana’s face while she was asleep. The others just have really crappy motives (especially Felicity, who has no motive).

“Now no one else wants to hang out with Iscah and Francisca in that closet, correct?” Ariana asked the other counterparts in an eerie manner. When all of thee counterparts

Three? But Felicity and Allison are the only ones not in the closet right now. Are there any other Squidwards I should know about??

slowly shook their heads, Ariana flopped back into bed and fell asleep.

Luckily for her, this encounter with ‘dangerous’ people didn’t make her any less apt to go to sleep. But is threatening Allison and Felicity really necessary? Allison was trying to get away from Iscah in the first place and is probably muttering Catholic prayers and backing away from the closet right now and I’ll be damned if Felicity is going to try any weird shit in the middle of the night. The worst I can see her doing is crawling into or onto Ariana’s bed because she got scared.

While she was sleeping, Francisca began to wail from the closet. If Ariana was awake, she’s be thinking “Only God knows what terrible things Iscah’s doing in there.”

This statement is a mess not just because of the diction and grammar, but because of the implied violence/adolescent rape. Seriously, what was my fascination with rape all about?

But I have to wonder, if the other swaps sleep in Ariana’s brainwashing room, will they all become British too? That’s how the rooms are said to work, so did they just…suddenly stop working alongside the locks on all of the doors?

The next morning, the nation’s airplane landed, and the nations left the plane after grabbing their luggage.

They’re just planning on picking up a bunch of girls, aren’t they? How much luggage do they need?

All of the countries had a good idea about what their counterpart looked like, except Italy, who just imagined Chibitalia.

I can’t tell if this is a dig at Italy for being stupid or a dig at the others for thinking that their counterparts would look like them with long hair (if even that) and boobs.

“Where are we supposed to go?” Italy asked Germany.

“Well, I guess to Prussia’s ouse,” Germany replied.

You mean…your house, right? You do know where your own house is, don’t you? Considering that you took a plane to get to your own country, I’m not too sure.

“I’ll lead everyone there!” America volunteered.

“You’d just get us lost,” England sneered.

“Yes, and Germany should know the way better than anybody.” Japan said.

Yes, because—again—it’s HIS HOUSE.

America pouted as Germany led them to Prussia’s house (Which was relatively close, but caused America to exclaim “Dude, It was that way?”)

“Dude, I’m a Flanderized character!?”

On that same morning at the same time,

Um…didn’t want to opt for the ‘Meanwhile’, past me?

Ariana woke up. She noticed Allison, who was sleeping on the floor with a blanket,

A blanket from hammerspace, I presume.

had glasses on. “That’s weird, Allison wasn’t wearing glasses last night,” Ariana thought.

Probably because Nyotalia America doesn’t need glasses.

“And why am I so hot?”

Wow that’s an uncharacteristically haughty thing to say Ariana watch your ego!!!

She stepped out of bed, and noticed that she was wearing the same uniform as England casually wore, but the shirt part was a dress, and had a black ribbon instead of a tie.

“Whaaa?” Ariana questioned loudly enough to wake Felicity and Allison.

“WAAAA” for Waluigi is right. A shirt dress? Why not just give her a feminized version of England’s uniform instead if you really want to rip off the originals’ style? Like, the jacket’s the same but the pants are a skirt instead. Shirt dresses should only be worn to bed.

“What’s going on?” Allison asked, reaching to rub her eyes but rubbing her glasses instead. “And what happened to my eye?”

“You have glasses on, you moron.” Ariana answered plainly.

Hey, that’s an understandable mistake to make. People don’t usually sleep with glasses on their face, and when they do, they usually fall off. Allison has every reason to wonder if there’s something wrong with her eyes. They must be deceiving her because something impossible in real life just happened.

“I do?” Allison said. She got up, and walked to the mirror present in Ariana’s room. Allison gasped when she noticed her now smudged glasses and shirt dress and brown ribbon. “Dude,” she said, dumbfounded.

So…Everyone has a shirt dress? Eww. Past me needs to learn about style. I mean, have you seen the canon Nyotalia designs? They’re adorable. I’m in love with half of those girls. Maybe not America so much, but the others are great. So why disregard those designs in favor of these ugly ones?

All of the girls discovered they wore the same shirt dresses and ribbons, except Iscah, who just wore Russia’s outfit with tights instead of pants.

Actually, that outfit sounds kind of cute. Commendations in that regard.

When the time came for the conversation hour, all of the girls were blaming each other for their new, and rather uncomfortable and unstylish, costumes.

Why would they immediately blame each other and not Prussia or his mysterious ‘black-clothes men’?

But Felicity didn’t seem to mid hers a bit, and neither did Iscah or Francisca.

“Silence!” Louella shouted.

No but seriously, a thirteen year old girl has no reason to speak like this.

“We don’t need to blame each other, because it was me!”

“What?” Ariana asked.

‘What’ is right! How did Louella manage to sew all of these designs (somehow knowing what their counterparts wore), leave her room, enter the rooms of the other swaps, undress them, and redress them without anyone waking up and noticing? And how did she know that Francisca and Iscah were in Ariana’s closet, Allison was on Ariana’s floor, and Felicity was under the bed and account for that without waking anybody up?

“I don’t even need glasses!” Allison shouted. She threw the glasses off of her face, and began to walk around. “See, those were use-“she was cut off when she tripped over a couch and fell right beside her glasses. She put them on again.

…So she threw her glasses onto the ground—presumably at her feet–, walked forward, tripped over a large couch, and somehow landed back where she’d discarded her glasses so she could put them on again? Never mind the fact that tripping over a couch is impossible, that thing with the glasses had to involve some sort of teleportation.

I know that I meant to say that she ‘tripped over the couch’s leg/foot’ rather than ‘she tripped over a couch’ , but that’s how the finished product was released so that’s what I’m reviewing. And now we have a mental image of an Allison GMOD model flying into the air, flipping over a couch, and landing face first into the floor.

“I like it,” Francisca said.

“Shut it, Francisca,” Ariana said.

Just what this fic needed—more pointless conflict!

“I spent all day yesterday designing these, stop complaining!” Louella said. “I thought our counterparts would want us more if we resembled them even more.”

I’m sorry, what? Why is Louella so determined to go along with these people Prussia says is coming to get them? What is she running away from?

And…she does know that their counterparts can’t see them right now, right? So what’s the purpose in dressing like idiots in the meantime?

“We were fine without these outfits!” Yiesha shouted, sending the group once again into chaos. The girls were quieted when the chime of a doorbell rang throughout the room.

“Who is it?” Kierra questioned.

“It’s Himaruya, here to save everyone with the canon and erase all of the out of place references to rape”

“I’ll look out the window in Francisca’s room. It has a view right above the door.” Ariana said, walking into the French counterpart’s room.

Uhhh, I’m sorry?? First of all, how did Ariana know this? Second, if there’s a straight-up WINDOW in one of the rooms, why don’t they just leave out of the window and go to the police??

She glanced out of the window, and gasped. She ran back into the room with the other girls. “You won’t believe this!” she exclaimed. “It’s them! They’re here!”

But will they want their gender swaps if it turns out that they’re all clairvoyant teenagers cosplaying as badly-designed female counterparts??

It seems like it’s over now, doesn’t it? You just wait… (Creepy Iscah face)

Oh yes, that…well-known creepy Iscah face. You mean ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)?

Anyway, that was chapter 2 and BOY HOWDY was that an experience. It’s only getting worse since the first chapter and I promise, it only gets more convoluted and stupid from here on out. Come back next time for some crappy spy work, sick burns, and really, really flawed logic.

(CANADA/ALEXIS ABUSE COUNTER: 3)

[ylla]

Friday Night Gurus - Chapter 1

Series: JJBA Ships: josuyasu (others will eventually happen too, but im tagging as i go) Tags: au where theyre famous, modern au, pining, josuke is a hot mess and has exactly 0 chill Rating: T (for this chapter only, bc eventually there will be sex/smoking the devil’s lettuce)

AO3 link

reeeeee so i’ve been in and out of the doctor’s office with a sinus infection so intense, i’ve been to the ER due to pain. fun shit. i came up with this AU while listening to music while waiting for someone to come smother me with a pillow to put me out of my misery.

this unbeta’d because i wrote this on my phone while waiting. i plan on keeping up with this idea because it delights me. next chapter will follow shortly too, because i’m trying to break this up into smaller chunks as i hammer it out on my phone (which fucking sucks, lemme tell ya). if you notice anything weird, tell me about it so i can fix it!!

The first time Josuke Higashikata meets Okuyasu Nijimura was because of a fuckup in a magazine photo shoot schedule. The shoot in question was for a feature in Rolling Stone; award season was coming soon and they wanted to feature the current Biggest Names in Music. Some poor intern (who was probably promptly fired) fucked up EVERYONE’S schedule, so all the bands and singers had to come in during the same hellish week in June. It was a nightmare for all involved.

Of course, the cover would feature the biggest name in the industry which, naturally, was Josuke. Discovered at sixteen, with two world tours, four albums (two of which went platinum), and at least 20 different awards, he was twenty-four and still going. His latest album dropped too late for Grammy consideration last year, but he was feeling real confident. This was his year. He’ll get that fucking Grammy, even if he killed him.

Josuke still considered himself to be a chill, down-to-earth kind of man despite his superstardom; able to roll with the punches whenever they came. He got that sometimes things just didn’t go your way, but he still couldn’t help it when his precious time off gets thwarted by some dumb idiot.

“What the fuck, Koichi?” Josuke whined on their way to the shoot, “Why couldn’t have this happened literally like, last week?”

Koichi Hirose was his manager, agent, PR guy, and truth be told, the only person beside his mother and grandfather who truly knew him. “Stop whining, it’s not the end of the world.”

“Dude, this was supposed to be my first week off in forever—“

For someone who was 5’3 and weighed 110lbs soaking wet, Koichi could be intimidating. He gave Josuke a look before parking and turning off the car, “Can’t be helped. They wanted to do the cover shoot last since there’s two of them.”

Josuke made a face. He forgot that this would be a dual cover. Him on one side, some band on the other. “Who’s the other band?”

Like he was still in school, Koichi started rattling off some facts, “Arrowhead, they’re a metal band. Comprised of four members. Skyrocketed up the charts this past year with their second album. You guys fought over #1 album and singles on Billboard on and off all year.” Koichi was the type of guy who always did his homework, “Now come on, you’re gonna be late.”

The shoot was operating in some random ass warehouse in some backassward part of Los Angles. Josuke and Koichi waltz into some giant room that was getting set up; a group of 4 people huddled in a corner eating what appeared to be a large quantity of Taco Bell with a sharp dressed man standing near them. Josuke’s kind of people.

“Oi! Tonio!” Koichi called out with a wave, before gesturing at Josuke to follow him over. Josuke barely restrained an eyeroll; his hair was up in a ponytail and he was wearing some worn-out sweats with an old t-shirt, not exactly looking good for first introductions.

“Koichi,” the finely dressed man shook Koichi’s outstretched hand, “good to see you.”

“Josuke, this is Tonio Trussardi, we work at the same agency.” Koichi gestured at Tonio, “And Tonio, this is Josuke Higashikata.”

Josuke held out his hand and got a firm handshake, “Nice to meet you.”

“Pleasure to make your acquaintance,” Tonio’s eyes sparkled. He let go of Josuke’s hand and gestured to the group of people sitting behind him, “These are my charges, Arrowhead.”

He started with introductions, pointing to a man leaned up against the wall, who had sleepy eyes and a face Josuke would find attractive if it wasn’t for the tattoo on his chin, “Yuuya Fungami, drummer.” Yuuya nodded in greeting. Tonio pointed to a pretty girl with long black hair who was intently staring at Koichi, “Yukako Yamagishi, lead guitarist.” She didn’t even acknowledge Josuke, but held out a hand for Koichi to shake (which he did, if a little hesitant due to her staring). He swept a hand towards a man with impressively tall hair and two braids, “Keicho Nijimura, bassist.” Keicho gave them a cold stare and said nothing. “And last, but not least,” Tonio clapped his hand on a scarred man who had been too busy slamming a taco the entire time and didn’t notice people had walked up, “Okuyasu Nijimura, lead singer and rhythm guitarist.”

Okuyasu jumped a little, before turning a little pink and waving, “Sup?” His voice sounded he had came out of the womb smoking like a freight train.

Josuke was taken aback when he got a good look at the guy. The symmetrical scars running parallel on Okuyasu’s face did nothing to detract from how goddamn hot he was. Square jaw, angular face, black and silver hair pulled up into a ponytail, three piercings in each ear, ripped arms that had tattoos snaking up them, good God almighty. The first thought that entered Josuke’s mind when looking Okuyasu in the face was Oh no, he’s hot. The first words out of his mouth were “Those tacos smell so fuckin’ good.” Real smooth.

Without another word, Okuyasu offered him one. Josuke ignored how the blonde guy glared at him, and took the proffered taco, “Thanks dude.”

“S’no prob.”

As Josuke started chowing down, about to start chatting up the cute guy, when Okuyasu unceremoniously got up and walked away. Trying not to look so bitter, Josuke turned towards Koichi, but Yukako was asking him incredibly personal questions about his life, while Tonio started ushering Yuuya to hair and makeup, “Photographer’s not here yet, but you need to be ready since you’re the first up.”

“Yeah yeah, stop pushing.”

Keicho’s cold stare was unwavering and was starting to give Josuke the heebie jeebies, “Oi, Koichi. I’m gonna have a smoke.” Josuke didn’t bother to listen for Koichi’s stammered reproach before heading outside (which might have been a strangled cry for help). Truth be told, he really didn’t need a cigarette, he just kind of wanted to go pout. But luck would have it, when he went outside, Okuyasu was sitting on the curb with earbuds in, watching some video. Nosy as shit, Josuke hovered over his shoulder to see what he watching, “Are you watching Real Housewives of Atlanta??”

Okuyasu nearly jumped out of his skin, phone fumbling in his hand, “Oh shit!” he whipped around, wearing glasses he didn’t have on earlier, unlit cigarette dangling from his lips, “Uh, I can explain.”

Oh no, he’s so fuckin’ cute Josuke hollered inwardly. He held his hands up in defense, “Sorry man, didn’t mean to scare ya.” Pulling out his own pack of cigarettes, he sat down beside him on the curb, “Don’t gotta explain anything to me, I love trashy reality shows.”

“You ain’t makin’ fun of me, are ya?” Okuyasu asked, scowling.

“What? Nah, reality shows are the shit. I love binge watching them.” Josuke fished around in his pocket, “You got a lighter?”

As if Okuyasu was trying to divine if Josuke was lying, he stared at him for a few seconds before handing over his lighter, “Jus’ asking. Keicho gives me shit for watching them, but they’re hilarious.”

Josuke lit his cigarette, “Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life.” Inhale. He gave Okuyasu a serious look, speaking on the exhale and handing his lighter back, “Fuck what he thinks.”

Okuyasu was quiet while he lit up and took a drag. For a moment, Josuke was worried that he had already overstepped his boundaries with someone he literally just met. God, no wonder he didn’t have any friends.

He was snapped out of mentally kicking his own ass when Okuyasu spoke, holding up his right earbud, “Wanna watch with me?”

“Hell yes I do, which episode are you on?”

“The one where Ridickulous shows up—“

“THAT’S MY FAVORITE ONE—“

“DUDE, MINE TOO.”

They ended up talking while watching, not really paying much attention to the show until Ridickulous showed up, which was met with raucous laughter. Josuke learned that Keicho was Okuyasu’s older brother, that the only thing better than chocolate or strawberry ice cream was strawberry ice cream with chocolate chunks, he smoked his cigarettes like he did his joints, he smelled insanely good, most of his tattoos didn’t have much more meaning than “They looked cool as shit when my dude drew them”, and that Okuyasu Nijimura was the most genuine person he had ever met. He was sweet, eager to please, loud, and friendly. Josuke was already dangerously enamored.

Josuke hadn’t even been aware of how much time passed until Koichi came out, “They’re looking for you guys. Keicho’s almost done, so you both need to go to hair and makeup.” Yukako hovered in behind Koichi, her eye’s sliding between Okuyasu and Josuke with a blank expression on her face.

“Shit, I hadn’t even realized,” Josuke stood up and held a hand out to help Okuyasu up, “Let’s go before we get murdered.”

With a grin, Okuyasu took his hand and hopped up, “Yeah, god forbid we disappear for a minute.”

It was hilarious watching Okuyasu, who had never had makeup put on him in all his life, grimace as his face was caked. “This shit smells weird.”

Josuke couldn’t help but cackle while he did his own hair, “Get used to it, dude. This is your life now.”

Makeup finished, Okuyasu got started on his own hair, “Josuke, the least surprisin’ thing you could ever tell me about yourself is the fact that you don’t let anyone else do your hair.” He was fighting with stubborn strands that didn’t want to stay still, “The pomp is cool, you pull it off.”

A quick glance in the mirror told Josuke that he managed to keep his blush to a minimum, “Thanks dude, you got some slick style there yourself.” The shy, pleased grin that crossed Okuyasu’s face was an image he wanted branded to the inside of his eyelids.

Okuyasu was up for pictures first, looking anxious and green. It was clear to Josuke that he had no idea what he was doing. “Dude, just relax!” he shouted, “You’re looking fine!” What he didn’t say was that he meant that two ways. With a slight nod, Okuyasu relaxed slightly, and his pictures started coming out better. Josuke was trying to go for the somewhat disinterested watching, but damn, he couldn’t help but stare. This dude was cute. Out of the corner of his eye, Josuke caught Keicho staring at him again. What was that guy’s deal??

He couldn’t ruminate on an answer, because as soon as he thought that, Yuuya suddenly sat down beside him, causing Josuke to yelp in a totally manly way, “Jesus! You scared the shit out of me!”

“Sorry dude,” Yuuya was eating a leftover taco, “Busy watchin’ the show?” He tilted his head toward the photographer fussing at Okuyasu, shit-eating grin on his face.

Josuke did not like that smug look Yuuya was sporting, “He looks nervous. Jus’ tryin’ to help him out.”

“That’s just how he is,” without looking over his shoulder, Yuuya tossed the taco wrapper behind him, hitting a trashcan, “He doesn’t know how to chill out.”

They sat in silence few a couple of minutes before the eyes Josuke felt on his back were getting on his last goddamned nerve, “Why is that guy staring at me like I murdered everyone he’s ever cared about?”

Yuuya eyed Keicho for a second before shrugging, “That’s just how he is too.”

Before Josuke could even ask what the fuck that even meant, Keicho punched Yuuya’s shoulder as he walked by, “Come on, asshole. It’s time for the cover.”

“Ow, that fuckin’ hurt, dickhead.” Taking his time, Yuuya stood up and stretched, rubbing his punched shoulder. “By the way, Okuyasu’s single,” Yuuya said casually, as if he was answering a question that had been posed.

Josuke sputtered, his face scarlet, “WHAT MAKES YOU THINK—“

Yuuya pointed at his nose, “I got a nose for romance,” and then he dead ass winked at Josuke before walking away. Josuke wondered if he was that obvious. Perhaps that explains why big bro Keicho stared daggers at him. Maybe he needed to work on being subtle, but Higashikata’s were never, ever subtle (thanks mom).

The cover shoot didn’t take too long, much to Josuke’s surpise. Not a whole lot of time passed before it was Josuke’s turn. Okuyasu was dragging his feet, watching intently, while Keicho was demanding they leave. Tonio, bless him, told them that he needed to speak to Koichi about business matters before they left (mercifully saving him from Yukako’s question of “What do you look for in a woman?”) Josuke didn’t know if Tonio was picking up on something, or just making assumptions, but he appreciated it.

When the pictures were mercifully done, Josuke ran to the bathroom real quick to reorient himself, muttering under his breath, “Okay, Higashikata. You got this. You’re cool, suave, and undeniably handsome.” Josuke applied a quick coat of lip gloss before heading back out there, “Get that cute guy’s number.”

After leaving the bathroom, Josuke was greeted to an almost empty room. Okuyasu was nowhere to be found. In fact no one associated with Arrowhead was there; Keicho had muscled them out of the door as soon as Josuke left the room, Koichi helpfully explained, patting Josuke’s shoulder as he felt his confidence leak out of him like a sad balloon.

Josuke pouted the whole way home, and Koichi couldn’t tempt him out of a foul mood. “Josuke, what’s the problem??” Koichi asked, finally fed up with his huffing and sighing, “Why are you like this?”

“Koichi, I’m gay,” Josuke said, head leaned against the window.

“I know this, you’ve told me before. What does that have to do with you sighing like a moody teenager?”

“I was gonna ask Okuyasu for his number, but they left before I could.” He felt like a fucking fool, why did he have to run to the bathroom like a scared baby? It was taking a lot of effort to not punch his own face in. “That Yuuya guy told me he was single and everything. Was I that obvious??”

As they sat at a stoplight, Koichi patted his shoulder, tactfully choosing to not answer the last question, “Don’t sweat it, Hollywood is small. You’ll run into him again.” Actually, Koichi could easily get Okuyasu’s number, but he knew better than to offer. It would only hurt Josuke’s pride.

Josuke shrugged and changed the subject, deciding to throw a pity party for himself later, “So about that Yukako chick…”

Koichi grimaced, “She followed me around the whole time. Asked me how I got such a high powered client when we’re the same age! And a bunch of personal stuff like my underwear size and what kind of man did I consider myself to be.”

“At least she’s cute?” Josuke offered, an apologetic smile on his face.

“She is that…also intense. Very…intense…”

“Did you get her number?”

Koichi sighed as he pulled into Josuke’s driveway, “She took my phone, put her number in it, and then texted herself.”

“Damn,” Josuke snorted with mirth, “Hey man, you might end up getting laid before my dry spell ends. I’m rooting for ya.”

Josuke didn’t need to look at Koichi to know that he was getting a look. He hopped out of the car and waved goodbye as his friend pulled out of the driveway. Upon walking through the front door, he greeted an empty house. “I’m home!” he called out to no one. Josuke really wished his mom hadn’t moved back east, but after his grandfather had that heart attack and refused to move to Los Angeles, someone had to stay with him. He could use advice, and was tempted to call her. No, he was grown ass man. No advice from mom, you die like a man.

…He’ll just call her later.

One shower and ordered pizza later, Josuke laid on his bed, booted up both his laptop and PS4. It was time for Netflix and Learning As Much About Your Crush As Possible. With Netflix on Worst Cook’s in America, pizza in one hand, and beer in the other, he typed in Arrowhead into Google and got to work.

Two hours later, he laid on his bed, hands folded across his chest, and stared at his ceiling, Netflix and pizza forgotten. Arrowhead’s second, self-titled album had been on repeat for the last hour. Metal was never his cup of tea, but Okuyasu’s husky, rough voice made the hair on the back of his neck stand up and chills run down his spine. If he didn’t have it bad for Okuyasu before, he certainly fucking did now. Josuke briefly wondered if this is how he sounded when he woke up in the morning, or when he was needy and wanted—

Josuke promptly rolled over and started screaming into his pillow. Why was he like this?

You’re a fucking mess he thought to himself, You have it bad for a dude who you barely even know, just because the way he sings goes directly to your dick.

“He’s also really hot and nice,” Josuke mumbled aloud. He paused before tearing out of bed, determined to shower, do anything that would get his mind off of Okuyasu. “I also need to stop talking to myself!” he said, ripping his clothes off, jumping into lukewarm water.

After a long, somewhat cold shower, Josuke steeled himself. He was gonna get that fucking number.

[koohiss]

30 years since the last critically acclaimed movie, but only like, 50 or 10 since the last one, depending on how time works, skywalkers are fucking shit up in the galaxy once more...

Luke’s gone, Leia’s still a badass, the heavy metal empire has been replaced with the emo-lite first order, just as much nazi garbage and none of the impressive capes. Instead they have a giant toddler who stomps around and eats shit on a regular basis and jerks off to his grandpa’s dead face, probably. Fucking weeb. This pilot, Poe, who I honestly don’t feel much of a connection to, sorry, is trying to get this old man to give him a map to Luke so he can come kick ass. But the douchelord Kellog’s Frosted Fuckup shows up and shoots everyone, bc uncle issues or something. poe gets captured, but shoves the map into his magic 8 ball, which escapes and finds a random superhuman jedi lady of amazingly ironic ancestry in the middle of, you guessed it, a desert. She’s Rey, and to quote some ghost guy who once got gutted inside a palace’s weird power dungeon murder hole, she’s probably maybe might be the chosen one for real this time, I swear to the force it’s for real this time yoda. Then, this amazeballs stormtrooper, Finn, has morals and courage and heart and all the things they wanted in wizard of oz, and is like, fuck this nazi shit, I’m out, and helps poe escape. Sadly, they crash, and poe apparently dies but really leaves finn to die in a plothole of a scene that someone in the writers room should be really embarassed over. Finn meets rey, and it’s love at first “oh shit”. It’s all meet cute/meet thief for a second, and then shit starts blowing up sideways, there was hand holding and running and “follow me”s and then the girl in white and the guy with the leather jacket get on the falcon and leave the desert planet. Classic. Speaking of classic, being the collector’s machinery that she is, the falcon breaks down and they get caught in a tractor beam of a larger ship, which conveniently Han and Chewie are on. Two gangs show up, the giant squid-tribbles escape, scooby doo mayhem ensues. They get away in the falcon and nope the fuck out. Spooky the gollum wannabe teases Kyle about Han and he acts like a pissbaby, says it’s nothing. Oh, and I guess he surprises everyone because somehow this giant moronic imbecile incompetent failure came from the pure glorious happy love of han and leia. Fuck you jar jar abrams. Fuck you in the eye. With a lensflare. This bullshit. The gang checks the map and realize it’s borked, Han gives the lowdown on “it’s real” and also that some sick asswipe death-murdered the jedi like some moron trilby with anger management issues because his mom cancelled his xbox live account because he wasn’t getting good enough grades at jedi academy due to playing the sith campaign of some shitty remade SW game with a pretty decent plot that every teen boy over analyzes and gets the wrong take away from. Anyways, they go to Takodana and Maz’s epic castle that was never fully explained. For some reason they need her to find the resistance for them, which I’m like, just have Han wave at a holocam for like, 2 seconds and you will find literally almost everyone except luke because he’s pouting over history repeating itself. So naturally while they are all chilling at the castle, the party splits bc Finn is scared and Rey is gonna go home and Han is just like, eyes roll emoji. Who knows where chewie went, they act like he isn’t a character or something. But twist, the big ol space nazis find them. Rey finds a lightsaber (prolly just a family heirloom or smth, nbd) and bolts after having visions of all these epics ass movies and shit. My beloved young padawan super duper force sensitive jedi in training Finn is given the lightsaber, bc even Maz can tell that those two are always gonna watch out for each other and are obvs soulmates and he’s the best bet to get it to Rey, the inheriting granddaughter. (also, didn’t a bunch of little kids get murdered with that at least once, possibly twice???) As they leave, death star 3 and with a much lamer name but really cool lore blows the everloving shit out of coruscant 2.0, killing a few more characters that I was probably more interested in than Kyle’s boring weepy “my parents dont’ accept me for being an edgelord” lame ass backstory. Then the TIE fighters try to wreck my fave dudes with some weak sauce army, but then that same ace pilot who apparently left finn to fucking die, nbd, true love amirite? brings the party to them in an epic callback with improved graphics. Meanwhile, that boring infant Ronald mcdumbass over here shows up and after a let down of a fight (c’mon rey, shoot him!) kidnaps his cousin. Gets all creepy and makes teenagers with poor romance comprehension (not their fault, imo) think it’s love and come up with all this bullshit as to why they aren’t cousins. Sigh. But Rey, light of my life, is stronger than this woobie weeb, and she makes him have to run back to the safety of his darth vader body pillow, while she up and obi wans her way out of this bitch. The theme-swapped leto-joker looking vastly subpar offbrand trashcan may have padme’s hair, but rey has her climb up random shit abilities, which go a lot farther honestly. (they both have her hit and miss fashion taste so at least there’s that in common you goddamned r/los that’s all i will give you) Mr. Hotshot takes everyone back to Resistance HQ and conveniently brings the drama too, since he followed teeny!leias footsteps and lead a superweapon to the not-so-secret-anymore base. Everyone scrambles, finn kinda sorta maybe lies through his teeth a little so he can rescue rey, leia guilts han because apparently no (coughdudecough) director can write a conflicted and damaged woman who also happens to be strong without making her completely subsume to whichever half of the dichotomy is needed for the current scene… They go to death star 3 and prepare to fuck shit up. Specifically by doing things that have never been done before with no guarantee they will survive and sassing each other mercilessly. My babies. They find rey off being her badass self, and then right at the point where everything has to go to shit to make the third act interesting, some motherfucking emo up and kills my geriatric fave. Fuck you, marilyn manson. Fuck you. Chewie takes the logical next step and blows his fucking guts out with a laser crossbow bolt, AND blows the fucking guts out of his fanboy cosplay of the death star, because fuck you that’s why. So that’s how the dramatic “ur up past curfew” conversation goes, because I can never have nice things, no the precious goth boy has to live, apparently my needs aren’t important to multi-trillion dollar entertainment corporations, whatever. The absolute wrench fucker chases my beautiful darlings around the currently imploding fucking doom orb of stupid, and they waste his ass with amazing shows of jedi prowess. Finn fights him first and the bastard cheats with his fucking laser butterfly knife like an ass, and precious finn who has never trained a day in his life for this bullshit can only hold on so long before the cheating bastard takes him down. Then rey, pillar of light and all that is good, curbstomps his ass with the prowling predator walk of her father and grandfather before her. Suck it, ron. She’s the chosen one, bitch. Anyways, so I guess the bombs let fly boy (only) get inside and pew pew up the place enough that it rejoined it’s godforsaken stop-building-death-moons-they-don-t-work ancestors. Old ghastly jazzhands on the demon projector asks the weasley kid to go pick up kyle’s raggedy strung out ass, like I fucking care at this point. Everybody goes home (AKA chewie saves all of your asses because even if you ignore him he’s still a cool dude like that) and they totally gloss over the deaths of characters I care about to give us this arbitrary fucking scene of the golden cock block and ir3cutesty5u the soccerball annoying r2, who magically wakes up and magically doesn’t nuke their inferior asses and instead gives them the stupid fucking map, why do you even need a fucking map, all you need is coordinates, jesus christ it’s space, you can just plug the fucking three axis code into the computer and float ur ass over why is there a goddamn treasure map to safeway just use the damn gps good god. It’s space. With infinite wifi. Rey and chewie go to this bird shit covered island and find luke sulking, probably about getting bird shit on his suede jedi boots or losing his best friend and failing his nephew and sister and and the entire galaxy or something like that and then the movie ends