#boundary work

[allsadnshit]

yesterday marked my 6 months in therapy and i felt inspired to draw a little about my recovery! I used to be someone who thought therapy, self help books, and changing habits was just not for me and wouldn't work no matter what I did. I was having panic attacks, stomach aches before work every day, and slowly starting to feel resentful towards everyone around me. I think it's true that you can't receive help unless you want it, but I also think sometimes the best way to show others it's worth it to ask for help is simply to do it in your own life first! I'd be lying if I said everyone will stick around when you learn to uphold boundaries, and there is a lot of mourning that goes into learning how to grow and change... but ultimately there's nothing more loving you can offer yourself or the world than getting the help you need and learning how to ask for what you need and how to walk away when it is not respected. It's always painful to lose friends, opportunities, or even the satisfaction of being seen as selfless and giving... but anything you give away that you didn't have enough of for yourself is not an act of kindness it's an act of self betrayal!

hope someone who needs this message as bad as I did sees it and knows I am cheering them on!!! love u thank u

[unwelcome-ozian]

[unleashfeminineenergy]

NORMALIZE TALKING HIGHLY ABOUT YOURSELF

[inkskinned]

there are a lot of posts out there that are positive and healthy coping mechanisms for handling the holidays. this is not one of them :)

i think there's like. going to be times in your life you will be stuck in a social situation that you cannot escape from gracefully. i do not know why the internet doesn't believe these times exist. it's not always just that your physical safety is at risk - sometimes it's legit like "i just don't currently have the energy or time to put in the effort of responding to this." sometimes it's a coworker you hate so much. sometimes it's just like, fine, you know? like you know you can handle your aunt when she's cheerily horrible, but if you actually set a boundary around her, it's going to be weeks of fallout with your father.

i don't know why people think the answer is always just "cut them out!" or "don't let them get away with that!" because ... the real world is tricky and complicated. i think kind of a lot of us have an internal "radiation poisoning" meter for certain people. like - i'm talking about the ones who are absolutely giving you gradual ick damage. like, you can handle them, but you'll be exhausted.

and yes. you absolutely should listen to your therapist and the good posts about handling others and set good boundaries and take care of yourself. prioritize peace.

HOWEVER :) ...... since im often in a situation with a Gradual Sense of Ick person i cannot just "cut out" of my life (without losing someone else precious to me) - i have sort of developed the most. maladaptive form of mischief possible. because like, if i'm going to have to listen to this shit again, i like to have a little bit of private fun with it.

now! again, i am physically safe, just mentally drained by this man. you should only do this with people you are not in danger with. which leads me to my suggestions for when your Unfortunate Acquaintance shows up and says oh everyone pay attention to me.

my favorite word is "maybe!" said as brightly and happily as possible. whenever the Horrible Person starts in on a topic you do not want to go further with, particularly if they make a claim that you know to be inaccurate, do not respond to it. you and i have both tried to actually argue with this person, and it hasn't gone well, because this person just wants the drama of an argument. however, "maybe!" gives them literally nothing to go on. it is incredibly disarming. they are used to people having some response. they know they can't prove what they're saying, and maybe! treats them like the child they are. it dismisses them in the politest way possible.

i like to say maybe! and then, in their stunned silence, immediately change the subject. this is because i have adhd and i will have something unrelated to talk about, but if you can't think of topics fast enough, i recommend just pointing to something and saying, "isn't that lovely?" because fuck you let's bring in some positivity.

by the way. that second trick - of pointing to something and stating an opinion about it? - that just works on its own, like, 70% of the time. i picked it up from teaching preschoolers. it's an intentional "redirect". it stops children crying and it also stops grown adults from finishing their explanation on why women belong in kitchens. dual wielding!

keep it silly for yourself. i absolutely do not care if people think i'm fucking stupid (it's more fun if they do) and as a result i will purposefully misunderstand things just to see how long it takes them to realize i've completely removed them from the subject at hand. when they say "women aren't funny" i get to be like. "which women." "all women." "all women in america?" "no in the world." "like the mole people? the people in the world?" "what? no. like, alive." "oh are we not counting the mole people?" "what the fuck are you talking about." "you don't believe in the mole people?"

similarly, i play a personal game called "one up me." my Evil Acquaintance literally knows this game exists (my family & friends caught onto it and now also play it) and it always fucking gets him. i don't know why. you have to be willing to be a little free-spirited on this one, though. the trick is that when they make one of those horrible little bigoted or annoying comments they are always making, you need to go one unit weirder. not more intense, mind you - just more weird. "you don't look good in that dress." "yeah, actually, my other dress was covered in squid ink due to a mishap at the soup store." "you shouldn't wear such revealing clothes." "wait, what? oh shit. sorry, your son tears off strips when no one is looking and eats them. i swear it was longer before we left the building."

the point of "one up me" is to completely upend this person's narrative. we both know this person likes setting up situations where you cannot "win" and then they really like telling other people how badly you handled it. in a usual situation, if you respond "please don't say something that rude", you're a bitch. but if you let it happen, you're letting yourself be debased. they are not usually expecting door number three: unflappably odd. because what are they going to say when they're telling everyone how badly you behaved? "she said my son eats her dresses" ".... okay?"

if you can, form an allyship with someone whomst you can tagteam with. where they can pick up on your weird "soup store" story and run with it.

the following phrase is amazing and can be deployed for any situation: "oh, be nice :) it's the holidays!" i do not know why this works as often as it does. i'll say it for the most random shit. i think this is bc most of the time these people know they're being impolite, they just like to fight.

godbless. when in doubt, remember that you could always start stealing their pens.

the whole point of this is - if you can't escape. maybe see how long you can just be. like. a horrible little menace.

[autistpride]

Credit: McKayla Robbin, We Carry The Sky (2016)

[mymidwestheart]

[moonlit-positivity]

Here is my controversial mental health take of the day: your negative emotions are not the problem, its the way you handle them that becomes the problem. You being jealous that your friend hung out with someone else and didn't tell you, is actually not the problem. It's when you choose to get angry with them, yell & lash out, or passive aggressively do something they hate to get revenge, or when you ignore them and isolate and self harm, those are all harmful ways to cope with your feelings. Rather than react, take the time to validate yourself, because it's normal to feel jealous or left out and chances are that there are deeper abandonment wounds that are triggered here, probably from your childhood. Take a moment to pause before you react. Then try a direct and open communication to your friend instead. Because I guarantee you they'll respond so much better to you opening up a conversation with, "hey, I felt left out when you hung out with so-and-so without me, can we talk about that? And maybe hang out soon?" Rather than the now laborious and torturous emotional work of having to feel guilty for your rage when you lash out or get revenge. Splitting is normal, because who doesn't get pissed off at someone you're close with? Your switching emotions from highly affectionate to devaluation are not the problem. Everyone gets disgusted & hurt by someone they love at some point in our lives, especially small offenses, I guarantee you chances are that person isn't doing it on purpose and would gladly like to know how you feel, these emotions and conversations are normal and necessary for humans to have. But the inability to clearly and directly communicate your feelings and needs to that person when you are hurt is what makes it toxic. You can absolutely learn how to handle your reactions in a safer manner, how to identify when you're feeling hurt, and how to communicate and ask for clarity and resolution rather than react and escalate. Communication is the backbone of every relationship you will ever have. This is what the emotional work of most personality disorders looks like.

[thepeacefulgarden]

[xianta]

So I ended up making a second part to this Craig POV comic lmao

[clouds-of-wings]

Enforcing your boundaries also helps others.

[the-friendly-buzzer]

Due to the lack of boundaries, friendships can turn sour and hamper mental health. You have come to the right place if you are also caught in such a whirlwind. We will list some solid tips for setting healthy boundaries with your friends. Let’s go!

[lavendermooncoaching]

Who am I? What's my story, and how does it affect my coaching methodology?

While I couldn't possibly put every detail of who I am and what my story is in a single post, I do a pretty good job of giving you the gist of it on my website's About page!

[qtr-life-crisis]

Losing Control (Literally)

Do you know what it’s like to have all of your dreams erased in a moment? I had to quit my teaching job a couple of months ago because of something that happened outside of school. I had already been planning on leaving months before this happened. It had become clear this past school year that I couldn’t be in the classroom, at least not at my current school. 

I had given up hope and was ready to start looking for other careers outside education, but when (let’s just call it) “the most fucked up situation I’ve been in” happened I lost control over my own narrative and control over my course in life. Yes, I get to choose my path moving forward but I wanted to be the one to decide to go on that path in the first place.

Instead of getting to leave my job on my terms, I had it taken away from me. It’s like when you decide to stop eating ice cream because you don’t think it tastes good but then someone comes up behind you and says, “You can’t eat that anymore for X, Y, and Z!” You’re like, “Fuck it! I’ll do what I want!” even though you don’t even like the taste of ice cream anymore.

I keep wondering why this loss of control is so hard for me. Really I think it’s the loss of choice. I had the choice of staying in the classroom or doing something else. Several job interviews later, here I am with no teaching prospects and completely empty on hope that I’ll ever be able to go back into the classroom. 

We never truly have control over our lives, but we do usually get to make some choices. Do I apply for this job or that job? Do I read a fiction book or a non-fiction book? Do I eat pizza or a salad tonight? What I don’t seem to cope with well is when those choices get taken away from me. For example, having my decision to go teach in the town that I love completely disappear because someone decided to fuck with my life. I’ll own the fact that it wasn’t all their fault, but it wasn’t all mine either. 

Just because something shitty happened, doesn’t mean it was all your fault. You can not hold your boundaries well and someone still be abusive.  Nothing you did was deserving of what they did to you or how they treated you.

This is my way of taking my story back.

[unleashfeminineenergy]

YOUR FUTURE SELF NEEDS YOU

YOUR PAST DOESN’T.

[hajihiko]

Sonia and Komaeda getting along well enough to room together is so good honestly. Even if its mostly bc she takes no shit, Komaeda was still like the only person to stand up for her when Teruteru was trying to get frisky about her naiveté in the prologue/ch1.

I kind of suspect she was acting more unknowing than she really was then, to suit her role as a princess, but he had no way of knowing that then. Plus, if she was aware then, it might be easier for her to recognize the side of him that isn't all hope n murder? Since outside of the killing game he's pretty polite (if self effacing) and generally not down for creepy behavior.

If you've got any more thoughts on these two's interactions postgame, I'd love to hear.

I dont think it's perfect by any means (nothing on the ship is!) but its proooobably the best quick-solution scenario?

[wyldhunt]

HADES II ↳ Hecate — Ἑκατη, "The Far-reaching One"