#brother jebediah pyre

[girl-in-the-waves]

Big shocker I’m thinking about UTBOH again...

I’ve been thinking about Jeb and reading “Cultish” by Amanda Montell, and had some sort of epiphany about my feelings leaving the church. I remember growing up I would hear the church called a cult a lot, and all the mormons I would talk to about it had strong opinions. “Of course the church isn’t a cult!” usually followed by laughter, “You can leave whenever you want!”

Can you?

That’s when I started thinking about Jeb again (lets be honest when am I not). Andrew Garfield did a fantastic job with his faith crisis scene, but I could never put my finger on why I connected with it so much, why it meant so much to see it on screen. He shows why the “you can leave whenever you want” counterpoint feels so off: you can leave the church whenever you want, but it’s painful. You can see how painful it is for him in that car. His whole life is crumbling down around him, and that’s exactly what it feels like. Why would you leave when it would bring you so much pain? Everyone he loves would be impacted by his decision to leave the church. Everyone! That is huge crazy immense pressure! That’s not even considering the eternal complications if you’re making the wrong choice, if your doubts really are evil. My family converted when I was like 6 or something, and my biggest motivator in the church was making sure I could get into the celestial kingdom to be with my parents forever. Leaving the church not only meant my whole life was in vain, but if I was wrong, I would be cast out from my family for eternity. And my family was in it for a relatively short time! It’s always the bloodline mormons that say it’s not a cult, even though it would be hardest for them to leave. 

I think I often feel silly for still thinking about the church so much 3 years after I left, but seeing a faith crisis helps me put it back in perspective. So to any other ex-mormons perusing Tumblr: I’m proud of you. Whether you were born in the church or converted, you did a hard thing and I’m proud of you.