#buliimyx

[wintergirl238]

I wish I could put into words exactly how it feels to live everyday with an eating disorder - how it feels to live everyday with depression, and anxiety, and such a strong hatred of myself and everything I am.

I think maybe the words just don’t exist.

[vacant-home]

Mad at myself for not appreciating my LW when I had it.

[wintergirl238]

I’ve got this feeling that my life is going to end in tragedy

[wintergirl238]

I always thought once I had the help I need from professionals who knew what they were doing, I’d be able to recover just fine. I’m now realising it’s so much harder than I ever thought. Im on the verge of giving up. Im already failing.

I guess I’ll just be like this forever.

[wintergirl238]

I don’t think anybody cares.

Not my friends, not my family, not even the one person who should care about me most.

[wintergirl238]

Thought I’d be dead by 21

[wintergirl238]

I feel so empty.

Nothing makes me happy anymore.

All I want to do is be alone.

All I can think about is death.

I’m just so so empty.

[wintergirl238]

I don’t want to get better. I want this illness to kill me.

[wintergirl238]

I’m attempting to restrict again so I’m going to start doing a food log everyday to motivate myself. Wish me luck x

Day 1:

Goal - 600 cal

Breakfast:

- red apple (60)

- banana (86)

- black coffee (5)

- lite soda (18)

Lunch:

- brown rice cakes (262)

- avocado (168)

- diet soda (12)

- sugar free gum (10)

Dinner:

- diet soda (11)

- coffee with milk and sweetener (21)

Total: 653 cals

Cals burned: 299 (walking)

Net cals: 354

Goal reached 🌟

[wintergirl238]

I feel like I can’t do this anymore. Life. It’s all too hard. I don’t like who I am. I don’t like anything about myself. And I can’t change who I am and I can’t accept myself for who I am, so where am I left? Hating myself for the rest of my existence? I don’t want a life like that.

I keep telling myself that if I just lose weight, then at least there will be one thing about myself I won’t hate, and maybe then I’ll feel like my life is worth living. But apparently there’s nothing in my life I can control, not even my weight. And that thought makes me want to die. I’m stuck living a life I don’t want.

I just want to be put out of this misery.

[wintergirl238]

Day 3

Goal - 400 cals

Completely failed 😭 I binged about 1500 - 2000 calories and then purged as much as I could.

I managed to go two days. Wow I’m pathetic.

[wintergirl238]

Day 2: How tall are you? Do you like your height?

I’m 173.5 cm. I don’t really like my height. I wish I was shorter than that. Maybe I’ll be okay with it when I hit my goal weight though 🤞

[wintergirl238]

Day 1: Your stats

I hate how much I weigh right now 😣 I’m so ashamed. Anyway here are my stats:

HW: 71kg

CW: 66kg

GW1: 55kg

UGW: 52kg

[wintergirl238]

I need to get back to this + more. I never hit my goal weight but I was getting so close at the time I took this photo. I hate how my tummy and legs look, but seeing them makes me determined to get the body I so desperately want. I can and I will reach my goal weight.

[wintergirl238]

I just binged on an entire jar of peanut butter 😭😭😭 That’s 3000 calories 😭😭😭

I tried to purge but absolutely nothing will come up and I’m so scared of all the weight I’ll gain.

I hate myself ugh 😑

[wintergirl238]

I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this

I want it to to stop

Why did I let myself get sucked into this void?

It’s caused me nothing but pain and misery

But I’m trapped now and I don’t think I can ever escape