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#but I also feel like my social skills have atrophied and I know this is a mid twenties thing but I would also love to have people in my
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people who made friends in their mid to late twenties how did you do that
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ideasatemynights · 7 months
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I headcanon that newt used to be self conscious about his weight but stopped caring after awhile
Oh yeah definitely, I 100% agree with that!! I've thought A Lot about Newt's relationship with his weight as someone who's fat irl and is also pretty similar to him in personality according to irl people I know, which definitely leads to the Projection. Some general sorts of headcanons about this (warning for internalized fatphobia, disordered eating, and just a fair amount of self hatred below. Also I wrote this in one big block in the middle of the night, so it's going to be kind of incoherent.):
☆Absolutely is someone who's always been naturally chubby/fat. He didn't really think anything of it when he was really little because he looks like his dad and uncle and they're so cool and he loves them so much!! He was always more focused on catching cool bugs and playing Godzilla with his dad and uncle anyway.
☆Once he got to be a little bit older in school, he definitely started feeling insecure. He already had a target painted on his back because he was too smart, too loud, too passionate, too rude, basically too ND for all the other kids and even the teachers (not helped by the fact that he was always ahead in school), so his classmates absolutely started picking on him for his weight and probably his height too. Because of all of that, he started feeling really bad about his body and wishing that he looked different.
☆This also intersects with my HCs about Newt being trans and his relationship with his mom. His mom was the only person in his family who was more thin and conventionally attractive and because he was AFAB, before he came out she basically just wanted to use him as a doll to parade around and show off on the rare occasions she actually saw him and because of that she tended to be critical of a lot of aspects of his appearance. There was a lot of her fussing over him and telling him that he should diet, grow his hair out, be more proper and less messy, dress more feminine, etc, which didn't help his self esteem. Once he came out as trans, she basically just stopped talking to him altogether.
☆There's also a lot of fatphobia in trans spaces, medical gatekeeping based on weight, belief that fat people can never be read as their correct gender, lack of gender affirming products for fat trans people, etc, which also doesn't help.
☆Once he started at MIT (probably around 15 based on canon info??), he was even more in the spotlight because he was known very publicly as a prodigy, was in a lot of news articles and stuff, won a lot of awards, etc, which added a whole other layer of scrutiny from the public to his appearance. He was also pretty isolated from same age peers because of it, so when he did get to socialize with them, his naturally poor social skills were even more atrophied because of it. Because of that, he was subjected to even more weight based bullying than he would have been otherwise, which did an additional number on his self esteem.
☆When Newt started writing with Hermann, he never would have admitted it, but he was kind of happy that Hermann couldn't see him. He had kind of reached a point where he assumed anyone would immediately write him off because of his appearance and particularly his weight and he was so happy to finally be able to make a friend who couldn't dismiss him based on the way he looked. He knew that Hermann could definitely find pics of him online, but he was hoping that the relationship he built through writing would cancel out the way he looked (obviously a super unhealthy thought process, but uhhh). The fact that the first healthy relationship Newt had ever had with a peer was also with a guy who didn't originally know what he looked like also unintentionally reinforced some bad body image stuff.
☆When Newt figured out he was falling in love with Hermann, he was even more terrified of Hermann learning what he looked like. Like he hadn't had a good track record with making friends or people affirming his appearance in the past, but he uhhhh especially hadn't had a good track record with romance. He had been rejected a lot and when someone had gone out with him, they were clearly using him for easy make out sessions and the sort, while not really caring for his personality or appearance in the slightest (and oftentimes making digs at them). Newt was certain Hermann wouldn't do that, but he was still convinced that the only way someone could like him was despite his weight and he was terrified that Hermann wouldn't like him enough for his personality to cancel out the difference (once again, not true and definitely unhealthy, but he's having a real bad time).
☆So they finally meet in person and it goes poorly. It had nothing to do with Newt's appearance and logically he knows that, but there's still some small deeply unkind part of him that's convinced that Hermann took one look at him and decided he was too fat and ugly to even consider staying in contact with, much less dating.
☆(In actuality, Hermann took one look at him and instantly thought that he was the most attractive man he had ever seen in his life. He desperately wanted to press Newt up against the wall and grab his love handles and kiss every inch of his mouth and face and neck and chest he could get his hands on. Being Hermann, he was deeply mortified by having such lewd thoughts about a colleague, especially one so obviously attractive to him, which definitely contributed to them both being incredibly awkward and off their game while meeting.)
☆By this point, I think Newt's in a really bad place mentally with his body and his relationship with his weight, so I think he ends up in a depressive episode for a while. This has the side effect of killing his appetite and so he ends up losing some weight which is really not physically healthy for him, but he feels a sick sort of pleasure in anyway. When he meets back up with Hermann when they're both stationed in HK, Hermann is still fucking pissed at him (just as Newt is likewise), but he's also legitimately worried about Newt because he doesn't look well by the standards of his body. Hermann ends up eventually asking about it, which only pisses Newt off and honestly brings up a fuckton of trauma for him and also causes Newt to believe that Hermann really is disgusted with him and his body.
☆As the war rages on and rations get tighter and they start working longer and longer hours, Newt loses even more weight which once again causes a sick sort of pleasure in him, despite logically knowing as a biologist that this is in fact very very bad for him and his body. He never intentionally tries to restrict food or lose weight, but he can't help feeling some pleasure at being so much more thin than he's used to. By the time the movie starts, he looks like he actually does in it, where he's soft around the edges, but not fat anymore. Hermann doesn't bring it up both because it's the result of the last days of war and because last time Newt got very upset, but he watches from the sidelines and is very worried about him.
☆When Newt drifts with Hermann, there's a lot of surprise on Newt's end that not only does Hermann like him and not only is Hermann actually in love with, but Hermann actually likes his body in its natural form when it's treated well. In fact, Newt is kind of stunned at how attracted Hermann was to him at their first meeting and the fact that while Hermann would be attracted to him at any weight, Hermann definitely distinctly prefers him fat and healthy and happy. This also causes Newt to realize that Hermann was legitimately concerned about him when he asked about his eating habits, etc, and that maybe the way Hermann treats him is the way he should have been treated all along.
☆Now this obviously doesn't fix everything in one go because a lifetime of trauma doesn't just go away overnight, but going to mandated therapy post war helps, along with a healthy relationship with Hermann, more time to relax, the ending of rationing and the entire world recovering, etc. He eventually gains all of his original weight back and then some and Hermann is so fucking in love with his incredibly handsome sexy fat husband and his wonderful mind and personality. Like don't get me wrong, they're still complete bitches to one another, but they adore each other and work through their insecurities together and it's wonderful.
Once again, I'm writing this at 3 am, so I'm sorry if this doesn't make any sense. Also forgive me for the huge block of text, you unlocked A Thing I Go Insane About.
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crestoflames · 6 months
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ugh
every time I have a debate with someone about something where we’re on opposite sides and disagreeing, I just feel like a huge asshole. even if there’s nothing malicious happening, just two people discussing something passionately on opposite sides. like I’ve learned over the years that you can never stop people from having disagreements because it’s just human nature, but i still hate myself for it. I always wanna apologize too even if I don’t think I did anything inherently wrong
i feel the need to just make myself shut up and step away but it’s hard sometimes. i definitely am better about it than I was when I was younger, but i feel like i still should be much more skilled at just disengaging and picking my battles at my age.
i just wish i could stop feeling so strongly about some of my opinions that are relatively inconsequential in the grand scheme of things and just not join in if I know I’m gonna be disagreeing with someone. i don’t wanna be seen as an irritable bitch, but I feel like that’s what everyone thinks about me. i’m still just bad about not fully realizing when I’m already in an irritated mood (usually from stress or hunger) and not engaging until I’ve dealt with the cause of that.
it’s like, when I’m focusing on handling certain other things in my life and succeeding, then my social skills atrophy and I become less vigilant and more relaxed and don’t spend time thinking through my every response.
idk what I’m saying at this point. i just need to gain more irl friends and that will prevent this. also i dont think it’s due to being autistic and having ADHD, because most of the people i know online also have both of those including the people I end up disagreeing with. its just a me problem
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i have so many things to post about, and many photos to share--including cat stories! and my new rapid-bruising superpower--but i’ve been trying to spend almost no time doing ‘fun’ things while i’m struggling so hard to focus on ‘work’ things. 
about a week ago, i finally gave up on that strategy, since it hasn’t been working, and i switched to aiming for acceptance about my limitations (rather than hoping i can overcome them with caffeine, or not sleeping, or self-shaming). @actuallylukedanes was a huge part of that, just by being my best friend and loving me as much as they do. it’s harder to believe you’re a terrible person when the person who knows you best disagrees. anyway, i’ve been feeling better this last week after letting go of that self-inflicted stress.
so tonight i’m going to a local ‘yarning’ group at the library for the first time, where they plan to make a knitted/crocheted vegetable garden to display there. little yarn vegetables! it sounds so fun. i’m nervous because New People, but it helps that i went to a group like once when i lived in utah, and i suspect the people i’ll find here are likely to be similar to the ones i met then--mostly older women who are genuinely friendly.
i enjoy my online social life and i don’t actually want to stay in our current city, so i don’t feel a driving need to make local friends. but my general leaving-the-house skills AND in-person stranger skills atrophied during the pandemic, and i’ve always been someone who actually enjoys those brief stranger interactions that come from shopping or appointments or public transit, so it is important to me to get those skills back (and go back to getting fresh air). 
thus tonight’s meeting, and my movie pass, which will be taking me to see m3gan on wednesday. last month i read two op-eds that felt as though they were trying to send me a message: one was about how movie trailers don’t represent things accurately, so people should just see movies for their own reasons and not bother with trailers. when i read that, i sort of agreed, because i once saw a movie with a comedic trailer that turned out to be a thriller. and THEN right after reading the op-ed, i saw a man called otto and agreed even more.because  while the trailer did show vaguely what the movie is about, it also left out a central storyline that i wish i had been prepared for going in. (maybe i’m just really dense and it was implied in the trailer? but i didn’t catch it.)
and the other op-ed was encouraging people to watch more movies outside their comfort zones. i no longer remember what the argument for that was, but it did remind me that my viewing habits have narrowed a lot over the years. i used to watch just about anything when i was younger, in terms of giving movies and tv a chance--i followed actors i liked more than caring about genre. and starting to watch more theater movies has reminded me of that as well, because i see more trailers and that can mean i become aware of movies that otherwise i would probably not even hear about. 
there was a trailer for a new creed film, for example, and i’ve never seen any movies in that series, so if i hadn’t seen the trailer i doubt i would have known or cared. but it stars michael b. jordan, who i adore thanks to his work in the black panther movies (i will always melt for truly good antagonists) and jonathan majors! (who had such heartbreaking range and power in lovecraft country i will follow him anywhere) and tessa thompson, which just makes it, like, a cast too good to be true. and my immediate thought as the trailer played was, ‘well, but it’s a boxing movie.’ and then i remembered, i watched a boxing movie! i saw the one with meg ryan, because at one point i tried to watch every meg ryan movie. so why wouldn’t i do the same for another boxing movie with a cast i love? i didn’t used to reject movies categorically the way i do now.
and then on top of all that, my favorite movie podcast (you are good) discusses all kinds of movies. but both the hosts are huge fans of horror movies, classic and current, and that means they discuss them a ton even when they’re not covering them officially on the episodes. i have never been a huge horror fan, so i’ve had fun listening to their episodes about old ones that i haven’t actually seen and don’t want to. (friday the 13th, halloween, texas chainsaw massacre.) and the frequent exposure to horror movies in a nice vicarious way...has made me kind of want to become the sort of person who does watch horror movies. at least sometimes, to see what i think. 
i saw the whitney houston biopic with kayla at the theater, and one of the trailers they played with it was for m3gan, and kayla was so horrified--she just started shouting ‘no’ at the screen at increasing volume, lol. but i think it looks kind of awful in a fun way, (the trailer gave me such pretty little liars vibes somehow) and once i realized that the lead actress was also from get out, i decided to make it my first ‘who knows if i’ll hate this’ movie day. (i want to see missing next, i feel similarly about that one.)
anyway, i’m actually letting myself have fun plans this week, and i’ll just have to balance work and appts and fun going forward. i bought a really pretty planner that will make figuring all that out more fun...and on top of the rest of it, i now have a therapist whose first focus is on how important sleep is to her with every client, so now i’m struggling to live on a sleep schedule--which isn’t something i even had as a kid! so it’s a work in progress. but aren’t we all? hopefully soon i’ll start catching up more here. i miss you guys. <3
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sasquapossum · 2 years
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Programming Warps Your Mind
Just another random thought that I have to write down to get out of my head. I think there are two aspects to this.
1. Confusing Description With Execution
A computer program is a description of a solution. It might be a very very detailed description - as in millions of lines sometimes - but it's still a description. Execution is done by computers, or sometimes the things attached to the computers. Programmers sometimes lose track of this distinction. They look at an economic or political problem, for example, and they "solve" it by expressing their idea of how it should be addressed. Then they stop. They think they're done ... because in their world they would be. (Yes, I know a real practicing software professional has to handle stuff like deployment and monitoring and debugging after the code is written, but for practical purposes the programming part ends there.) Besides the fact that their solution might be incorrect, they often don't consider the cost or difficulty of actually executing their program. Literally never even enters their mind. "You just need to..." is a favorite phrase among programmers, and should always be a red flag to everyone else.
2. Computers Don't Push Back
No, they really don't. Computers don't have a will or opinions of their own. Every programmer knows that the computers do what we said instead of what we meant, no matter how ridiculous the result, can seem malicious. The ways they fail can also seem pretty diabolical sometimes. It might feel like the computer's fighting you, but it really isn't.
People do.
People, unlike computers, do have their own will, their own interests, their own opinions. They're not just being dumb or weak or flawed. Sometimes they're just being different. Sometimes they're explicitly and implacably imposed to whatever you want to do, or how. Many programmers, unaccustomed to having their will actively and deliberately opposed, lose their ability to persuade or compromise. (OK, some of them never had it, but the nature of people drawn to programming is a topic for another day.) This can negatively affect their ability to work in a team, their social lives, or their participation in civil society. The skills that are required to succeed in these areas are the same ones that are never exercised in the act of programming, and thus atrophy in those who spend the majority of their waking time that way.
The combination of these two phenomena can make interactions between programmers and non-programmers (or other aspects of the real physical world) particularly trying for both sides. A programmer might believe that they're doing the world a favor by expressing their opinion on how something should be done. "There, solved it for you." Unfortunately, their "solution" is often both incomplete and unwelcome (because of points 1 and 2 respectively). They expect gratitude, and what they get is ... well, it could be many things but none of them are even remotely like what was expected or desired.
I don't have a solution to this. "Solution" might not even be an operative term. It's just something that programmers and people who interact with programmers should be aware of.
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I need to get better at dropping what I’m doing to write my thoughts down. I was doing my makeup for work and had a good idea and now it’s gone. I don’t even remember what it was pertaining to.
Well crap i guess. I was hoping if i came here and started tapping away on the keyboard it would come back to me and yet it is gone. I think it was regarding something I saw on the news. MEHHHH
I do want to try to start squishing my ideas down into children’s book type fables. And maybe rejigger my feminism website to have very simple text on the various pages with an option to “go deeper” and get my wall-of-text ramblings on everything
On another note, I watched Family Guy last night. I’ve admitted before many times, to myself and a buddy I know who openly admits to doing the same thing - I use tv to supplement my lack of human company. I’ve done it since I was in my early 20s and moved out. I guess I understand why I started doing it. I was so embarrassed of who I was, and felt like I’d so profoundly misunderstood the rules of socialization, being around other people just felt like too large a demand. Even just simple texts, there was always this feeling of “what do they want from me????” Of course now I know it was just simple human connection, the very thing that I’m lacking lol.
Anyway, watching new episodes of Family Guy really cheered me up. I know that show has been more popular to hate than like since the 2000s, and understandably considering the weird ways hyper-popularity and commercial pressures affected it. It seems like it grew back into its own though. As if now that it’s past its peak, it can be itself again. It’s super weird to see the characters with their phones all the time. It seems to also still reflect the times and a little bit of what I feel. It was like being back amongst old friends (though obviously of the one-way, 2d variety. Can’t deny that’s how many people felt in my past anyway. I was never good at holding my own against strong personalities.) It was also just a huge relief to be able to laugh at stupid stuff again. I feel like I haven’t done that in close to a year. I was stuck in a horrible cycle of watching reruns that were giving me depression.
It was a little disturbing to realize how empty my life feels without tv to care about, and it’s not the first time I’ve felt like that. I think the first time I’d had that epiphany was the first time I lived alone in my early 20s. I would feel so uncomfortable without tv going in the background, I needed a show to see new episodes of or I felt like I had no reason to live, I would go to sleep with tv going. I’ve allowed my beliefs and goals and their importance to me to rise above my reliance at times for giving me reason to get up every day, but I think it’s time to admit how deep my need goes. I’ve come to understand the level of socialization we evolved to have and how far we’ve come from our natural ways. Being in the company of other humans and touching them produces happiness-inducing hormones. We would have spent half our day chilling, grooming, cuddling, and fucking. Of course we’re all depressed and anxious out of our minds all the time.
I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Screams are echoing from every direction that this world and its culture is causing people great pain, even when their lives aren’t giving them direct cause for it. The obvious solution seems to be to get people to reconnect with one another, but then I circle back to how asocial we’ve become and how atrophied people’s social skills have become. We’ll have to relearn how to have manners and be people we can stand again.
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bella-studyblr · 3 years
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Task Management:
Creating + Maintaining a Schoolwork Schedule
Key elements
Your schedule suits your individual time/task management preferences.
It is flexible enough to accommodate sudden changes, plus fluctuating energy levels, states of concentration, symptoms and moods.
Daily tasks are not over-whelming; they are small enough that they are achievable.
You do not get “burned out.”
It allows you to be consistent.
Steps to create your schedule
Decide if you want your planner to be paper or digital
Find an “order” that’s logical and achievable for you (more on this later)
Refer to your addendum/syllabus and write down all the assignments, tests and other events taking place that week/month (and their due-dates).
Then break these down, assigning tasks to each day of the week (more on this later).
Break down your tasks even further (more on this later).
Decide if you want to follow a simple daily to-do list or a timed schedule (more on this later).
Find your “order(s)”
Mandatory: Schedule assignments around other commitments (work, social, hobbies, etc.).
Do the hardest task first to get it out of the way (so that the rest of your tasks are less daunting, and because your smaller tasks require less energy therefore can be done even after completing the hard task).
Do the easiest task first to build momentum (give yourself a feeling of accomplishment which will motivate you to continue, and boost your self-confidence early in the day to establish a positive mindset for the rest of the day).
Do the task that’s due first to minimize deadline stress, and so your assignments don’t fall through the cracks (causing you to get discouraged and lose momentum).
Plan according to your energy level throughout the day and week: Do you have Pilates once a week? Maybe you can reserve that day for easier assignments. If you know you’re going to be tired for whatever reason, account for that in your planning.
Consider your state of concentration: If you know you’re too groggy or spaced out for the first hour of your day, you can either schedule easy tasks in that time, or none at all. If you take a medication in the afternoon/evening that makes you tired, schedule easier tasks or none, and get harder tasks done earlier/later in the day. If you have ADHD and crowded places mess with your concentration, but you like studying at a café, go when it’s not busy.
Be mindful of your emotions and symptoms: If you have depression, or are prone to depressive episodes, you’ll need to consider that when scheduling. You might have to rework your entire schedule when you get into a depressive episode (like adding lots of breaks). If suddenly you’re going through a big life event (like a breakup), you need to account for that when scheduling. For instance, if you can’t stand to be alone, maybe you can go out instead of staying in, and if your motivation is low, you may need to up your reward-system or break down your tasks even more.
Break down this week/month’s tasks
Refer to your addendum/syllabus and write down all your due dates for the time period you’re scheduling for.
Based on due dates, outside commitments, predictions of energy/mood/symptoms, assign assignments to the days of the week/month that make most sense for you.
Break down daily tasks into sub-tasks
You can do this (in advance) for your full week/month’s assignments, or do it every morning/evening.
Generally, your assignments will follow a variation of this formula: brainstorm, create an outline, research, write rough draft, edit and revise. Test/exam prep will look something like: check to see what the test is based on, pinpoint important sections, review to see how well you know the material, create a list of items to study, rewrite select notes, make flash cards, study topic 1, study topic 2, etc.
What are the individual components of these steps? Here are some examples. Brainstorm: what should my topic be, what should my thesis be, what points can support my thesis, what do I need to research, what questions do I need to ask my prof? Outline: topic, thesis, points, conclusion. Research: write down all the important parts from each source (separately), then sift through to sort into Supporting Point 1, Supporting Point 2, etc. Rough draft: opening statement(s), intro, point 1, point 2, etc., conclusion, closing statement(s). Edit/revise: read and check for grammar only, then read again and check for spelling only, read again and check for cohesiveness only, etc. Topic 1: Part A, Part B, etc.
Each of these small components can be individual items on your to-do list. Big tasks like, “write essay” are too big for most people. Even “write rough draft” is daunting. If you start with something specific and small like brainstorming, and work your way up, it’s a lot easier to approach. Plus, being able to check off tasks more often and more easily will boost your confidence and your sense of competence, thus building momentum.
Here is a sample to-do list: Research X for Point 1 of Literary Essay, create outline for History Essay, Edit/Revise Assignment 1, study Topic 1 and Topic 2 for Test 1.
To-do list or time-based schedule?
To do list: Write down all your assignments for the day. Put them in the order you want to do them, or go through them intuitively (based on what you feel like doing, or what’s most practical at the time/place you’re at).
Timed-based: Write down all your assignments, then write down the time you’re going to do each of them. You could set reminders or alarms if you want, or simply refer to the list. There’s an awesome app I recommend if this is your thing. It’s called Structured (iOS only).
Curate your study environment for maximum focus
Eliminate distractions such as uncomfortable clothing, sounds (or silence), phone and computer notifications, clutter in the room and on your desk, people who may try to talk to you (shut your door and/or inform them that you’re busy).
Designate a space to doing homework only and avoid spaces that you associate with other things (do not study in bed, as you will want to relax or sleep, and/or you will mess with your sleep by weakening the bed’s association with sleep).
Build associations: Incorporate other events and items into your study/homework routine that you only use while doing that, so that you associate those things with studying/homework (examples: specific playlists, pencils/pens, cups/bottles, scents, rituals, decor, etc.).
Ensure good lighting (preferably including daylight).
Get dressed in clothes that make you feel good about yourself. They don’t have to be “professional” and they should definitely be comfortable. Do not stay in your pyjamas. Believe me, I know this can be hard, and I love PJ’s. But they are not good for productivity.
Don’t “multi-task.” It may feel like you’re getting more done this way, but by splitting your focus, not only do tasks take longer, they also diminish in quality. Commit to the task you’re doing.
Meditate: You can even meditate for just 1-5 mins right before studying, homework and/or classes.
Practice self care (daily!)
Sleep (enough, well, and regularly).
Daylight: Get outside, work by windows, use a light therapy box. These can help regulate your sleep, improve and maintain mental health, and boost energy.
Fresh air: Getting outside even for a couple minutes can help you refresh and reset, and feel good about yourself and your life. Fresh oxygen can help you wake up and is great for your health. Even just opening your window can do a lot for your mood, energy and motivation.
Movement: Try to move at least once per day. The benefits of exercise are numerous and immense.
Healthy and consistent eating: Avoid spikes in insulin levels by eating regularly so you don’t have extreme dips in your energy level. Also, brain power uses calories too, so make sure you’re eating consistently, and try to eat healthy. There are so many other reasons eating consistently is good for your health (and by extension, your productivity).
Relaxation and leisure: Make time for fun and socializing, as well as intentional relaxation. Hobbies, movies/tv, time with friends/family, meditation, baths, progressive muscle relaxation, etc.
Therapy: Your therapy sessions are not daily, but you can do 5 minutes of inner-work per day based on what you and your therapist are currently working on. Working with a therapist is a great way to stay on track with your goals, and develop the skills and positive mindset required for success in school.
Reward yourself
Track progress: Reflect on all the assignments you’ve completed and your grades to remind yourself that you’re capable!
Completing to-do lists daily maintains a sense of accomplishment which keeps your momentum going. Check those items off! Or give yourself gold stars! ⭐️
Treat yourself with non-food rewards: Tie completed school work with fun tasks like video games, or take yourself out for coffee, or some other small (non-food) outing. What I’m trying to do right now is not do my leisure activities until my daily tasks are done.
Develop a positive mindset
Take promises you make to yourself seriously. The more you break promises to yourself, the easier it will get to continue breaking promises. You will lose respect for yourself which lowers motivation, and you will lose trust in yourself which can become debilitating as well. The more you keep promises, the easier it will get, the more motivated you’ll become, and the more you’ll trust and respect yourself. Your confidence will improve, and you’ll feel better about yourself. Productivity is choosing yourself. Discipline is choosing what’s best for you instead of what you feel like doing in the moment. Discipline is a muscle, and like any muscle, it can be strengthened, and it can atrophy.
Remember your “why.” What is the end goal of being in school? What’s your career path, and why did you choose it? What will your life be like when you have that career? What would your life be like if you gave up and didn’t make it to your goal? Aiming for your dream while running from your nightmare is a great strategy for maintaining motivation. Lighting a fire under your *** can be a huge motivator.
Remember how good you feel when you get schoolwork done, and let this motivate you to stay consistent. You can also remember how you feel when you don’t get work done, but definitely focus more on the positive!
Go to therapy and/or hire a coach. There are SO many benefits to therapy and I’d honestly need a whole other post to get into it. You don’t need to be depressed or mentally ill at all in order to benefit from talking to a therapist. They can even help you with time management, procrastination, motivation and more! If you can afford it, please do it. It’s such a worthwhile investment.
Be consistent
No “zero days.” Do at least a bit of homework or studying every day so you don’t slip into vacation mode. Make schoolwork a daily part of your life, so it just becomes the norm.
Build productivity momentum (track progress, check items off your to-do list daily, treat yourself, keep promises to yourself, remember your “why,” remember how success feels).
Stay on top of projects. Your assignments are made up of smaller tasks you assign yourself across time. “Success is the sum of small efforts repeated day in and day out.” - Robert Collier
Avoid burnout (more on this later).
Keep it interesting (more on this later).
Avoid burnout
Self-care: shower and/or bathe regularly, maintain proper sleep habits, stay hydrated, take care of your skin, do relaxation activities like meditation and reading, do fun activities, pamper yourself every now and then with face masks or foot baths, take your meds as prescribed, eat well and regularly, get outside often, move daily, etc.
Break up study/homework sessions into small, manageable chunks of time, with constructive (refreshing) breaks in between.
Break assignments down into even smaller tasks so that you aren’t over-working yourself during the course of a day, and so that you don’t overwhelm yourself (the stress can lead to burnout).
School-life balance: Keep up with your social life as best as you can, make time for your hobbies, maintain self-care, say no to things that don’t serve you, etc. Try to follow through with scheduled schoolwork 100% of the time, but know that you won’t. Sometimes you’ll need to prioritize mental health over schoolwork (be careful though, this is a very fine line, and a slippery slope). Sometimes things will come up and it’ll be out of your control. But more than anything else, there will be times when you just decide to prioritize something else like fun and socializing over schoolwork. This is why your schedule needs to be flexible: to accommodate sudden invites to hang out and random decisions to skip a homework/study session, but more importantly, flexibility will reduce the odds that you’ll skip in the first place. If your schedule includes hobbies and socializing, and anything else that’s important to you, then you won’t feel deprived. If you have school-life balance, you’ll have more of yourself to devote to schoolwork when it’s time to.
Keep it interesting
Romanticize your life by putting effort into making all of your daily tasks a special occasion.
Make meals and drinks special by using your favourite dinnerware and cutlery. Perhaps even incorporate extra elements such as: a beautiful tablecloth, napkins, candles and/or dim lighting, music, wearing your favourite clothing, etc.
Pretend you’re the main character in a movie about a successful, productive student (because you are the main character in your life).
Make games out of studying if this is something that interests you (the Forest app comes to mind).
Use lots of colours in your notes and buy colourful stationary! 🌈
Vary your approach/methods if needed to avoid boredom.
Study with friends (online or in person).
Reward yourself often.
Remember your “why.”
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blazehedgehog · 3 years
Note
Do you ever think of yourself as being on the ASD? Up until the past few years (I'm 25 now), I never considered the possibility but as I delved deeper I identified with a lot of common behaviors (obsession, preferring isolation, social issues/anxiety, pickiness) and explained why I found it so difficult to assimilate in high school.
I’ve occasionally wondered, but there are a lot of things that kind of go against the grain of that kind of diagnosis. The few symptoms I exhibit of ASD also overlap with something that’s far more likely, and that’s that I probably have ADHD.
I had two or three teachers growing up try to convince my Mom that I had ADHD and that I needed to be medicated for it. My Mom refused to believe them, because back in the early 90′s, the traditional definition of ADHD included hyperactivity, and I was not a classically hyperactive kid. The image of ADD kids back then was being unable to sit still, unable to stop acting out. ADD kids were loud and grabby and uncontrollable, which I definitely was not.
We understand a lot more about the condition now and even though you should never self-diagnose, I’m 99% sure I have ADHD. My inability to focus on one singular hobby (hi, I’m an artist, game developer, sound engineer, youtuber, streamer, and writer), my extremely selective and poor memory, my inability to switch tracks and get motivated on something else after my mind is already set, my utter impatience for certain things, etc.
My isolation and social issues can be explained simply by my depression more than ASD, I think. I’ve talked about this before but I fell apart in high school. Things happened to me in middle school; I had bullies that acted like my friends, they did some deeply horrible things to me, and it completely destroyed my ability to trust anyone for decades. To some degree, it still persists to this very day. It just... wrecked me, in a way that’s hard to describe, and harder to even comprehend. I stopped showering. I stopped brushing my teeth. I just gave up on taking care of myself. I’ve blocked most of the memories out because of trauma coping mechanisms; I only know some of these things because other people have told me they happened. It really was that bad.
I had a really bad stretch of like, five years, from around 13 years old to 17 or 18, maybe even 19. I did eventually get away from those bullies in high school, but the combination of self-loathing they left me with combined with my ADHD and the mounting anxiety problems I was developing meant I coasted through an entire semester of algebra class absorbing absolutely nothing and I got a failing grade. Friends (new ones) dared me to skip one class with them for fun, and I figured “Well I’m doing bad in algebra anyway, so yeah, I’ll skip with you and go to the bowling alley.”
And that started the snowball. I became unmoored from the routine of school, which can be a big problem when you have ADHD. Skipping algebra every now and then became always skipping algebra. Then I started skipping gym too, because getting undressed in front of the other kids in the locker room was an introvert nightmare. Skipping two classes turned in to skipping three. Then four. Then all classes. Who cares, right? I couldn’t muster up the interest, especially when I realized I had no idea what the current lesson plan was anymore.
My girlfriend dumped me. The school waited until the start of my senior year to pull me aside and inform me that it was impossible for me to graduate under any circumstances (the first and only sign of disapproval they had shown me in three and a half years). My internet friends were yelling at me. I lost touch with my real-life friends. I had massive, gigantic, reality-ending panic attacks that left me too paralyzed to leave my room even to go to the bathroom. I teetered on the edge of having a nervous breakdown. I lost over 100lbs, leaving me nothing more than skin and bones. The mountain of stress I was feeling was taking a toll on my health.
I shut down. Closed myself off to the outside world. Ryan did not exist anymore. And for something like a decade, that’s how I lived. My only human contact was with immediate family (when they could drag me out in to the sunlight against my will) and with a core group of shrinking internet friends. The few that did not lose respect for me, anyway.
That does things to you. The parts of your brain that knew how to socialize atrophy and you forget how to hold a conversation. When I was still going to school, my cousin and I told each other we should become therapists, because we were excellent at listening to people and being mediators. We could fix anyone’s problems. Now, those skills died inside of me. I went from being able to make anyone feel better to constantly sticking my foot in my mouth. Being a nuisance, even when I wasn’t trying to be. I lost all sense of what was appropriate to say, or how to convey my feelings. Or convey anything outside of a keyboard, really. I made a lot of people angry and upset totally by accident, or pushed them away without realizing what I was even doing.
And all of these bad habits fed in to each other like an endless loop. It was a slippery slope that steeply went down, and down, and down. The more isolated I became, the more I wanted to isolate even more. The shame and embarrassment for who I was becoming kept getting stronger. I was caught in a spiral.
I was getting close enough that I could see where the bottom of the barrel was. I call myself introverted, but I’m also the guy who, completely of his own volition, downloaded the Shoutcast Server software in September of 2000 and hosted an all-night live internet radio broadcast. Alone. I was livestreaming myself playing video games for the internet four years before Twitch.tv was even invented. Whenever it came time to read aloud in class, I was always one of the best, clearest students, never needing to sound out words or pause for anything. Nowadays I'd never say I was anything but an introvert, but deep down there’s also been a voice inside of me dying to get out, and at some point I woke up and realized I could be better. I just need less fear and more confidence.
The person you see writing this blog today is the result of finally starting to become aware of what I was doing to myself, and forcibly dragging myself back out in to the world, inch by inch. I don’t think it’s going very well, but at least I’m still making an effort. I fell apart in to many small pieces, and they’re taking a long time to reassemble. I finally graduated high school about five years ago. (I re-read that post a few months ago and started crying.) As you may pick up on from the differences between that post and this one, I’m still learning a lot about myself and what’s wrong with me. The picture is always becoming clearer by the day.
But knowing the problem means you can find the solution, right? That’s what you’re doing, too.  It’s a slow process, but I continue the fight to heal the damage I’ve done to myself.
Anyway, sorry for getting so randomly heavy and spilling my guts out like this. I appreciate people looking out for me like this. And who knows, maybe I am on the spectrum after all. Just because I have my own theories doesn't mean they're necessarily right.
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wanderingnork · 3 years
Note
I’m also booked to go to the cinema soon to watch a quiet place 2. Like you I’m more anxious to actually be entering the building than watching the movie. Can you give a low down how it went for you (I know each cinema and each location is gonna be different) but it would be nice to have someone I know explain what happened and how you felt if that’s okay?
Of course!!
I went to a Cinemark. When I booked my ticket, I did it online, and the service automatically blocked off two seats on either side (that I didn't have to pay for, of course) that were a physical barrier between me and the next seats on either side.
I noticed the staff social distancing between each other when they could and they were all fully masked. There were LOTS of stanchions in the lobby to guide people in an orderly way and keep anyone from just crowding around. I could smell the cleaning chemicals when I walked into the bathroom, which was reassuring.
Prepare yourself to see not nearly enough masks. If I had to give a percentage of people who were masked, it'd be well below 50%. However, despite the presence of one *obnoxiously vocal* anti-masker (ick), everyone still maintained social distance. People stuck pretty much to the groups they came with, no roaming. I didn't see anyone trying to claim the Social Distance Seats once we were in the theater itself, either.
I did notice that my social skills have greatly atrophied over the last year and a half. Trying to interact with staff was...a challenge. They were all really nice, though. I'm sure I'm not the only panicky one they've seen.
Gotta say, a solid hour and a half of spring-loaded tension, jumpscares, and high-speed action did absolute wonders to get rid of the anxiety.
The energy coming out was...special. It was like the excitement of the long-anticipated movie, the relief of overcoming anxiety, the thrill of being out in public, and the post-horror-movie dopamine all smashed into me at once. I physically couldn't stop smiling and I was visibly bouncy when I got home. It's been like...four hours and I'm still feeling good jitters.
At no point did I feel unsafe--the anxiety was more about lingering fears and unknowns than about anything that actually happened.
Just a reminder--we've all survived, and are still surviving, a global "horror movie." Anxiety is normal. Be gentle with yourself. If you get there and feel unsafe or too overwhelmed, it's okay to step out. Your health, including your mental health, comes first. <3
I hope you feel safe, though, and that you enjoy the movie!!
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honeyrose-tea · 3 years
Note
this has been a strange start to the new year for sure. how are you doing? what did you think of the situation in the capitol? any thoughts or worries about the rest of the month? I'm curious to hear your thoughts on everything. -🌙
thank you so much for the ask💞 almost every day I check my inbox anticipating the next time I'll hear from you. just knowing that someone cares.... it really does a lot for my self-esteem. I don't have many friends right now and the few I do are very busy and have a lot of things they would rather do than talk to me. thank you for making time to listen to me and ask me how I'm doing. you wouldn't believe how many people don't. I haven't always been the most consistent presence for you and I'm sorry. I'm trying to do better and be less selfish because I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of that. thank you for always being kind to me, pen pal.
there is a lot I want to say regarding the capitol and the situation in the country in general. as a social science student (and hopefully one day a professor!) these situations are of great academic interest to me. as a bisexual woman and an informed US citizen who cares about my rights I am also very personally vested in American issues. but first I would like to tackle your question regarding how I'm doing:)
I'm doing pretty good. classes have started back up but most of mine are online. I'm thinking of switching to online exclusively because of how much emotional (and sometimes physical) labor in-person classes are, and also for the sake of my health and my parents'. it's funny how so many things we did with ease before the pandemic seem so burdensome now. even small interactions are anxiety-inducing now, and I find myself having a hard time socializing even casually. like a muscle that has atrophied without use, my social skills are awful now. on a happier note, my productivity and creativity are both at all-time highs since social interactions aren't using up all my energy anymore. I brought my record player to my dorm room and I've been listening to a bunch of music, I've also been writing and recording some music of my own. I have a couple of demos and if you or anyone else is interested, I'll post them on here. once I record and edit full band versions I'll put them up on my soundcloud. I've tried sharing some of my stuff with some friends but none of them really care and I don't want to annoy them. besides, it's more for myself anyway. I wang to prove to myself that I can make music and that I can say something worth saying. a lot of my struggle over the past 6 months has been that I feel as though nothing I do or say can change anything, that none of my actions matter. I struggle a lot with control and I've been working on it for years, but it's still really hard for me. anyway. I'm enjoying class and what I do outside of it. I've been in my element living alone again (in my dorm) and feeling free to wear/do/say what I want, when I want. I wash my dishes and sing to myself and manage my time and drink lots of artificially sweetened and heavily flavored coffee without anyone around to judge me. and I get to cry and masturbate when I want, both of which are helpful in regulating my moods. I don't know. it's not like I'm doing anything exciting, but I am doing each thing I do well and with a happy heart. I feel like this portion of my life is something of a hibernation- the winter seasons combined with the pandemic have me in a cozy little daydream, reading and self-reflecting and getting back in tune with myself and my passions. I have a feeling that the spring and summer will be very vibrant bustling months so I am trying to enjoy my rest and soak in as much knowledge about myself and the world around me as I can. it's hard for me to live in the present and not get antsy (connected to control issues, I think) but I'm getting better at it. on the subject of the future, I've also been using this time to look into grad school and prepare for the GRE (a standardized test required for most grad school applications, similar to the ACT/SAT). I'm learning a lot that I didn't know since neither of my parents went further than undergrad, and I'm getting excited. I'm really looking forward to doing research. I've already been collecting some thesis ideas for an undergraduate-level thesis that I have to complete next year for the honors college, and hopefully I can turn that into a masters and/or PHD thesis when the time comes. now, on to more important matters than my silly little life.
I have very complicated feelings about america. I do have some attachment to some of the original ideas that are at the foundation- "bring me your huddled masses...", "all men are created equal", the general spirit of democracy, etc.- all of these are valid and worth keeping (in some form) to me. I think a lot of good people and ideas exist around us and I believe that we must be as empathetic and kind as possible to one another in order to navigate the current climate and preserve the good that we do have. that said, america was also founded on some pretty terrible, bigoted principles and our history- as well as our present- is marred by injustices. our society has become highly individualistic because of capitalism, and it has resulted in considerable division on every level. the competition that fuels capitalism is like an invasive species of plant, it does not only exist within our economy but it slithers out into our social world and the way we relate to others. I think capitalism coupled with our post-enlightenment founding is the source of most all of our problems as a country. capitalism has taken root in america in a way more malicious and all-consuming than in any other culture, because it was there at the beginning of our country and all of our social norms have grown out of it. many other cultures have existed long before capitalism and though it has modified their culture, it has not altogether become it. because america was founded on capitalism, we have no cultural identity outside of it. america is, itself, capitalism. that is precisely why america is experiencing all of the best and worst parts of capitalism at their most extreme. it is why, as I mentioned previously, we are perhaps the most divisive and competitive society in the modern world, and probably in history. we are the richest and most powerful country but we have the largest wealth gap and incarceration rate, among many other extremes.
all of this is to say that the rise of Trump and fascism in this country has been a long time coming, and unmistakably inevitable. to defeat it we will have to break america down to its fundamentals, throw out everything that is unethical and unjust, and rebuild our entire society from there. this is radical and hard to imagine, it will also be very difficult to execute, but I strongly believe that much of our societal systems just cannot be reformed, they must be thrown out and replaced.
the capitol riots were inexcusable and sickening but decidedly inevitable. this has been steadily building for america's entire existence. I think it will get worse before it gets better, as there are already plans for bigger and more numerous protests across the country in the following weeks. that said, I feel hopeful as I see the anti-fascist movement grow in the wake of fascism, I am hopeful as I see many people being radicalized and awakened to the realities of this country's failings. I don't know how exactly we will even begin to rid ourselves of the biases, prejudices, and downright hatred that plagues our country. I don't know how we will relate on an individual level to those with such deeply-ingrained hate in their hearts. I don't know how we will change our systems of government and economy to reflect new cultural values that we begin to build together. I am not sure what the future will hold. I do believe, however, that we will triumph over this moment and that the future will be better. I think that the only way to radically change and unite so many vastly different people and remove the blinders from their eyes is through a terrible, historic awakening like the one we are having now. the situation itself is awful, but I am hopeful that out of this mess we become a nation more committed to justice and to some of the ideals which we have falsely claimed to be emulating for our entire history.
so yes, I am worried about the next few weeks, months, and even years. there is no end to the pursuit of a just society, and I think every informed citizen is always a bit apprehensive about certain aspects of their culture. there will always be problems to combat and injustices to rectify, but I think that we will soon be moving to a better place, that we will remember these moments and say, "never again". I am hopeful, despite seeing some of the worst of humanity in recent days, that these atrocities will bring positive change.
I know that was long and instead of discussing issues about the capitol, or even just current political issues, I expanded the scope considerably and dragged in a lot of things from history and grander sociopolitical theories. still, I think it is hard to talk about the insurrection attempt without talking about a lot more. thank you for reading my takes and caring about them. I spend a lot of time thinking about these things, and it feels nice to share them with someone other than my annoyed professors who want me to shut up so they can finish the lecture and stick to their semester schedule.
I hope you're well and that you're staying safe and healthy. are you in school now too? have you or your family had the virus? thank you for coming to talk to me, I always enjoy it. I'll talk to you again soon💞
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witharsenicsauce · 4 years
Text
(XCOM) Chosen Stories From the War #2: We’re Not Using the “Zed” Word
For a month, Kon-Mai stayed secluded in the XCOM medical bay, spending most of that month sleeping, in deep meditation, or staring at the ceiling while her thoughts tangled in her mind. Her wounds, despite Malinalli’s assurances, were deep and painful, and often seemed just on the cusp of infection. Her IV contained one dose of antibiotics after another and, when the pain got too bad, the occasional shot of morphine so she could relax enough to sleep.
Seclusion leads to depression. Kon-Mai had never been very social with her brothers before, but being surrounded by the unfamiliar faces of people who kept you at arm's length, it was beginning to wear on her. Tygan was one of the only people who didn’t seem to fear her, but his social skills were lacking to say the least, and thus she didn’t trouble him for conversation.
Her only respite was Malinalli. While often swamped with tending to other injured soldiers, when her nurse could get a moment she would come change her bandages or refill the IV, and then take a bit of extra time away just to talk. She was much more talkative than Kon-Mai would ever be, but even listening to the human girl ramble was a nice reprieve from the solitude.
“I think you need a break.” The girl said to her one morning while changing Kon-Mai’s bandages.
“I have been resting diligently for weeks on end.” Kon-Mai replied. “I am already in the middle of ‘a break’ as you say.”
“I think you need a break from resting.” Malinalli pouted. “You don’t talk to anyone besides me.”
“They do not wish for my companionship.” Kon-Mai tried to sound dismissive. “I am used to being solitary.”
“Is that why you look so sad all the time?”
“I do not look sad, this is just the structure of my face.” Her borther had often commented on her “resting bitch face” and while she hated when he did...she ad to agree. She was no pretty sight.
“Mhm.” Malinalli pulled the new bandages tight and tucked them in. “You’ve gotten most of your strength back, haven't you? If nothing else, your wound looks much better. I don’t even think there’s a risk of dehiscence anymore.”
Kon-Mai was silent. While she’d been out of bed occasionally since the last time, it was only with help from Malinalli and while leaning heavily on a walker, and that was only because her medic insisted that she use her muscles so they didn’t atrophy. There was no other reason: she had no need for food of any kind and, thus, no need for the restroom facilities the other soldiers used. She also had not showered or bathed herself since she arrived, but that was less due to her own genetics and more out of...apathy.
“A bunch of my colleagues usually like to meet in the bar to hang out.” Malinalli kept talking. “I want you to come.”
“I appreciate the offer, but I’ll have to decline.”
“I told them you were coming though.”
“What?” Kon-Mai bared her sharp teeth and growled. Malinalli flinched, but only for a split second. She stood her ground firmly.
“I can’t pick you up and force you to go.” She said, “I mean literally. You’re a lot heavier than me. But, I want you to.”
“I can assure you, your colleagues DO NOT want me to join them.”
“I think you’d be shocked.” Malinalli said. “They’re really excited to put a face to the name. Everyone’s been talking about you.”
“They fear me.”
“Yeah but…” Malinalli shifted on her feet. “How do I put this...you have a bit of a growing...fan club.”
Kon-Mai growled. “Wonderful. As if the pathetic civilian stalkers were not enough, the very enemy wishes for my attention. Would they like me to autograph their plastic swords?” She said in a high, mocking tone.
“They admire you.” Malinalli insisted. “Facing you in battle made a lot of us realize we’re woefully unprepared in melee combat. Goldilocks has been trying to make a training regimen based on your work but without you it’s all guesswork, and I know she’d love to learn from the best-”
“Cease!” Kon-Mai held up her hand. “You prattle like a Sectoid! Who is this ‘Goldilocks’?”
Malinalli seemed to smile knowingly. “I could tell you, but it would be much easier to just...show you.”
Kon-Mai bared her teeth, but it was half-hearted. “...I will need garments.”
“You can borrow mine…wait…”
Kon-Mai raised a brow.
“I guess you can’t. Um...gimme one second!”
.
.
Kon-Mai stared at herself in the mirror of the tiny bathroom. She towered over the sink and had to look down in order to see her reflection, but even at that angle she noticed how ragged she looked. The battle had taken more from her than she’d thought it had. Aside from her main, self-inflicted injury, she was dotted with tiny bullet wounds that had bruised as they healed, leaving her peppered with indigo dots.
She reached up behind her head and ran her hand through her...her hair. Her long, white hair. She had not worn it down since...she couldn’t remember when. She remembered being issued her clasps, the tubs with which her hair had hidden behind. She remembered the circlet fitting around her skull, the priests clasping it in place and then drilling-
She ran her fingers along the slight scars along the sides and top of her head: they looked uneven. She supposed the doctors must have removed her circlet? If they’d removed her chip, they must have had to. Now, her white hair breathed again: her eldest brother’s hair was soft and radiant, almost glowing. Hers, in perfect contrast, was knotted, kinky and so very oily from years being neglected, only taken from the tube every few months to be cut down and scrubbed raw. She shook her head, the while curls bouncing around her shoulders, and ran her fingers through it. It only grew from the back of her head and down her neckline to the nape. There already wasn’t much of it, and the way it stuck together made her look as bald as The Hunter. No wonder he wore a hood, it was not a good look on either of them.
Following her scarred hairline, she reached back and felt along the thick scar where her chip used to be. She no longer heard the Elders’ voices, and they could not read her thoughts. To them, she must have been presumed dead. She had expected the emptiness in her mind to be stifling, but for perhaps the first time in her life, she had been sleeping peacefully at night.
Kon-Mai reached into the shower and turned it on. She was the Assassin, and if she was going to present herself to the enemy, it was on her to make sure she looked presentable.
She pulled off her gown and stared at herself, at her scar, running jagged along her belly. Her dagger had cut so deep; so many torn muscles and arteries, so many split tendons, she had nearly felt her soul leave her body when she drove the blade into her ribs. The fact that the Commander not only saved her life, had brought her back to near perfect health…
She was supposed to die there.
That woman was hiding something.
Kon-Mai stepped under the hot water, shivering at the sensation. She didn’t remember this kind of warmth. Her baths had always been cold, and she herself was always...cold.
She hugged herself and just stood there for a moment, feeling the water run over her body.
Then she reached for the shampoo. If she went to all this trouble to take her hair down, she might as well wash it.
.
.
She put her hair into a single braid when she stepped out, not wanting to encase it while it was wet. With that, Kon-Mai dried herself off and reached for the clothes Malinalli had brought her.
They were small, of course. That was to be expected, no one here was even close to her size. The pants she was given were more like shorts, stopping just below her knees and hugging her body where Kon-Mai was pretty sure they were supposed to hang loose. The shirt was a flowy dress that on a human would come down to the knees. On her, it almost reached her waist and hugged her lady-lumps a bit more than she would have preferred. It had no sleeves, leaving her arms exposed. She looked over the glowing veins and…
Shook her head.
There were no shoes that fit her, of course, so she walked barefoot into the infirmary, the cold metal floor biting the soles of her feet. Malinalli was waiting for her, and beamed when she saw her. “You look so pretty! And your hair! I didn’t realize you…” She trailed off.
“I do indeed have hair.” The Assassin glowered. “I simply can’t leave it flying like my brother can.”
“No, no, I totally get it.” Despite her dark complexion, Kon-Mai could see Malinalli blushing. “I have to keep my hair back during work so I understand….”
Kon-Mai said nothing, barely meeting her gaze. “Let us get on with it then.”
“Yeah.” Malinalli held out her hand but Kon-Mai shook her head.
“I can walk perfectly fine, if you lead the way.”
“Okay...the canteen is this way.” She opened the door and held it. “After you.”
Kon-Mai had to duck slightly under the doorframe. Perhaps it was a good thing she was barefoot, she could only imagine the trouble she’d have wearing something akin to heels.
Despite the insistence on her independence, every step Kon-Mai took sent a shot of pain up her legs and into her chest. She clenched her fists, biting her lip and willing herself to keep a steady pace with the small human woman. Thank goodness she was walking slowly.
The canteen was, thankfully, close by. They rounded a corner and the metal shifted to dark, polished wood. The bar was much darker, lit with mood lighting and candles, and Kon-Mai could feel her muscles relaxing in the calm environment.
Until she heard the yelling.
“I TOLD YOU!” A distinctly British voice cried. “WE ARE NOT USING THE ZED WORD!”
“Why not?” Resounded another woman’s voice, without the noticeable accent. If Kon-Mai had to guess, she’d say this one was American.
“Because it’s RUDE!”
“Rude to who, the zombies? They don’t fucking care!”
Kon-Mai heard Malinalli sigh audibly, and she looked over to the source of the nose, where two human women sat at a booth.
“It’s the principle of the matter!” The British one said.
“There is no ‘principle’ to this matter.” The other one began counting on her fingers. “They walk like zombies, they’re half-rotten, they eat brains, they talk in weird growls, they are zombies, so I will call them zombies!”
“They still have human rights!”
“NO THEY DON’T! And neither do we, Princess! Have you forgotten the world ended?!”
Kon-Mai approached the table, and the shadow she cast over it made the two women stop and look up at her.
“Guys!” Malinalli called. “Meet Kon-Mai!”
“Oh!” The British woman, a girl in her youth with short purple hair, perked up. “Oh yes! We’ve been absolutely dying to meet you!” She jumped up, and Kon-Mai noticed that clasped in her hair was a little tiara. “Lady Demetria Min of the British Isles!”
“Don’t believe anything she says.” The other woman piped up. “You’re not an actual Lady, Princess.”
“Shut up.” Princess snapped.
The other woman looked significantly older, with wrinkles and scars carved in her dark ebony skin, but the bright red hair she sported gave her a youthful demeanor.
“Kon-Mai, this is Zuri Temitope.” Malinalli gestured to the woman.
“I prefer Tisiphone.” The woman smiled, looking the Chosen up and down. “I don’t know what I was expecting, but you...certainly live up to the hype.”
Kon-Mai nodded in thanks, but remained silent.
Tisiphone turned to Malinalli. “Hm. She’s quiet. I like her already.”
Princess pouted. “Well, come on! Sit with us, don’t just stand there!” Kon-Mai yelped as Princess pulled her into the seat beside her. 
“Maybe she can finish this debate for us.” Tisiphone said as she sat back down. “So. I say that the Lost should just be called ‘zombies’.”
“And I say that it’s rude to call them the zed word, and ‘The Lost’ is more politically correct!” Princess countered, her tone rising.
“I’m not fucking worried about hurting the zombies feelings, Princess.”
“It’s not about feelings, it’s about what’s right!”
“What do you mean what’s right? Our job is to mow them down like grass!” Tisiphone turned to Kon-Mai. “But what do you think? Your perspective is probably a lot different.”
“Yes. Tell her I’m right.”
“Shut your goddamn mouth, Princess.”
Kon-Mai blinked as the two women finally fell silent, staring at her expectantly.
“I believe it was one of your kind that said, ‘a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet.’” Kon-Mai said slowly. “What you call them does not matter, or change what they are. As long as you can do what must be done and eliminate them.”
“Oh fuck off.” Tisiphone said. “That’s a non-answer. You gotta pick a side.”
“Guys, come on, she said her piece.” Malinalli cut in. “Don’t badger her.”
“Why do you object to their current title?” Kon-Mai asked Tisiphone.
“It sounds like some sci-fi fantasy bullshit. Zombies have been part of human mythologies for centuries and everyone knows the term. Calling them ‘The Lost’ is just needlessly complicated.”
“Of course it is!” Princess cut in. “Everything is complicated right now, Tisiphone! But we have it so much easier compared to them, the way they’re suffering. Even if I gotta put them down, I don’t wanna forget that they are human, just like us.”
There was a brief silence, in which Kon-Mai’s eyes drifted to the hallway and she, unfortunately, locked eyes with a familiar Skirmisher woman.
“Betos.” She hissed, and hid her face with her hand, but it was too late. The conversation died at the sound of combat boots clomping their way towards the group.
“The Commander instructed me to fetch you.” Betos’ gravelly voice sounded too close for her comfort.
Kon-Mai looked up briefly, again catching Betos’ narrowed, yellow eyes. 
“I did not expect to see you here.” she said as she stood, Princess helping her to her feet.
“My soldiers are here, and thus so am I.” Betos turned to Malinalli. “You are dismissed.”
Malinalli stammered. “I need to return the patient to-”
“When the Commander is done, she will page you.” Betos said firmly. “You are dismissed. Go back to your post.”
Malinalli looked warily to Kon-Mai, who gave her a nod.
“...Understood.” Malinalli mumbled as she left.
“It was nice meeting you!” Princess called after Kon-Mai. “Come back sometime, alright?!”
Kon-Mai did not answer her.
.
.
Betos’ pace was much faster than her human nurse’s, and despite her best efforts, Kon-Mai found herself falling behind. She dared not call out, but she saw Betos getting farther and farther away and knew if she didn’t, she’d get left behind on this damned ship.
Luckily for her, Betos stopped dead in her tracks and turned to face her, her yellow eyes glowing in the low light.
Kon-Mai bared her teeth. “This was your plan, then? Lead me away, so I would be helpless, and then strike me down?” She nodded. “A devious trick, but it has worked. If you wish to kill me, now is your time.”
“Believe me, if I wanted to, you would already be dead by now. Dead and rotting in your stronghold, where your poor brothers would find the broken body of their little sister, and they would know that your life was taken by your own hands...” Betos shook her head. “But no. No, it’s not enough. Killing you, it wouldn’t be enough.”
Kon-Mai’s goading smile fell, and she felt a chill run up her spine. “What?”
“If you died, that would be it. You might feel a moment of pain and in the end, you might even beg for repentance. But…” She smiled. “No. I began this journey not so different from you. Mox has killed more than you, lest we forget.” ”Do not remind me of that.” ”I will. You are not the monster you want yourself to be. And I want you to look upon that truth, and swallow it like medicine. I want you to renounce your precious Elders and become exactly what you swore to destroy, to live like us, to truly feel.”
“I did feel, once. You saw it yourself, Betos. And yet you did not seem to care so much then.” Kon-Mai blinked violently, hot tears in her eyes. “...Do not be so sure that anything will happen.”
“We’ll see.” Betos turned her back to her. “It’s why the Commander wants to meet with you.” She continued her pace, and Kon-Mai limped along, trying to catch up.
Thankfully, it was only a few more feet down the hallway that they stopped at a single metal door, upon which Betos knocked. “Commander, I have her.”
The door opened, and Kon-Mai froze.
The woman stood up, her long white hair flowing like it had its own wind current around it. She walked slowly around to the front of her desk and locked eyes with the Assassin, those green eyes glowing with warmth and light and calm. She radiated with ethereal beauty.
“Welcome, Kon-Mai Mordenna.” The woman said. “I am Commander Senuna of XCOM. I’ve been so looking forward to our meeting.”
.
.
.
.
.
(God I’ve been looking forward to this. I’ve decided I’m going to post a new chapter once a week on Saturdays, but I already have five or so written so waiting to post this has been torture.
Now that it’s out, I hope you all enjoy!
Also extra credit to the people who catch the “Shawn of the Dead” reference.)
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// Finally got my new timetable for the semester and it’s confusing af lmao. Mostly because where I am in the world we’re back under full house lockdown (the breakout numbers here in Victoria (Australia) were so bad that all other states closed their borders to us, bc WE’RE FULL OF PEOPLE WHO WERE LIKE LOL SOCIAL DISTANCING WHAT IS THAT} so that means all non-essential travel is a no-no. But at least there’s some light shed on the next 6 months?
I’m actually really delighted my university is taking covid seriously -but also big oof guys. My degree keeps getting further delays, and I’m so keen to be just done and out. I KEEP SAYING IT BUT 6 YEARS AND A TRAUMATIC INJURY AND UNIVERSITY POLITICS ARE NOT A COOL COCKTAIL OF EMOTIONS >:(
Anyway this is just a vent space. I’m trying my best to keep a gratitude log. The days without chronic condition fuckery are now WAY more than the days with - I’m still seeing markers of improvement, despite it being three years of life-altering bullshittery, thanks to hard work and good clinicians. And I’ve been told that a 90% if not 100% full recovery is expected? I’ve also somehow chowed down on a fucking hard science degree?? I AM grateful, for all the support and patience from friends, bc it’s terrifying going from independant to broken and reliant on others. This has all felt grossly far outside my capabilities and comfort zone, I’ve always felt 50 braincells short doing this, even before the incident. Like my smart friends would be capable but bc I’m only smart in certain areas ... 
I know imposter syndrome is super common in this space just from a writing community POV. Obviously I have evidence to prove this degree is not out of my league, but I feel like a huge fraud half the time so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Anyway here are my goals for the next 12 months, don’t care if it’s an uncertain pipedream with COVID, I just wanted to write this out somewhere and this is my own damn blog so.
Physical rehab. I’D LIKE MY ATROPHIED MUSCLES BACK THANK.
Regular sleeping patterns and body mindfulness (mm self care, that jazz).
Get into the habit of practicing assertive self-confidence in the areas I’ve chosen to be experienced in.
Regular clear and consise writing skills (yeah I know, what I’m doing is ok, but also I still think I can get that english grammar working a hell of a lot better. I have a novel to write and what I’m doing rn kinda chokes that flow state a LOT. I’ve noticed a lot of passive instead of active voice whoops - pretty sure that’s a fallout from trying to write academically but there’s no reason that can’t be improved).
FINISH THIS DEGREE.
EARN THAT $$
Boss own the kind of job where I have time and energy to do what I love around it (aka, no more breaking ass so hard that I stop writing for 6 months at a time all the time)
👏👏
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thecloserkin · 5 years
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book review: Mira Grant, Deadline (2011)
Genre: Sci-Fi
Is it the main pairing: Yes
Is it canon: Yes
Is it explicit: No
Is it endgame: Yes
Is it shippable: Yes
Bottom line: how is it possible that the book where one half of OTP is dead is shippier than the first one where they’re both alive
Book 2 of the Newsflash trilogy picks up with our boy Shaun, who’s turned desk jockey since he lost George, riding to the rescue of some buddies beset by a zombie swarm. Everyone makes it out alive and Shaun tries to play it like it’s no biggie but the truth is,
I’ve lost one of the integral traits of a good Irwin: I’m not having fun. When I wind up in the field, it’s a chore to be survived, not an adventure to be relished. Without that little spark of gosh-golly-wow to drive me on, I’m essentially a dead person walking … George is the one who stopped breathing, but I’m the one who gave up on living.
Without George he has nothing to live for and so he’s sensibly withdrawn from fieldwork. The one thing that keeps him going is George’s voice in his head, chiding him for (among other things) picking up a coffee instead of a can of Coke. He’s started drinking Coke to appease her. He says it himself: “I am a haunted house pretending to be a man.” As for whether she’s real or just a figment of his imagination, this is Shaun’s take:
Screw sane. I don’t want anything that makes her stop talking to me.
Buckle up for an angst rollercoaster, kids:
One apartment for me and George, who didn’t take up any physical space but was so much a part of every room that sometimes I could fool myself into thinking she had just stepped out for some fresh air.
Several people have said it doesn’t really feel like anybody lives there, and what they don’t seem to understand is I like it that way. As long as I’m not really living there, I never have to think about the fact that I’m living there alone.
Outwardly he’s functional i guess but this is not the behavior of a person who has Moved On.
Sometimes I think this series is a how-to manual for small business owners masquerading as science fiction. For Shaun and George, the work used to be everything. Now George is gone Shaun is in the unenviable position of having to make all the tough calls, and second-guessing every last one because maybe George would have done it better. Oy vey. Offhand he informs us that their parents are also suing Shaun for ownership of her intellectual property. I always knew they were vultures but seriously???
So Shaun’s raison d’être right now is to bring down the person or people who murdered George. Obviously this does not mean the ones who pulled the trigger, it means the ones who gave the order & plotted to remove her. In the process of doing this he uncovers an even bigger conspiracy—although maybe it’s merely the same conspiracy from Book 1, only expanded in scope. I’m not sure. What I’m mainly interested in is how bad absolutely clueless Shaun is at signaling or perceiving romantic interest. Like, there’s a co-worker/employee of his, and they’re thrown together rather a lot, and she’s clearly crushing on him hard only Shaun’s too dense to see it. After the whole affair ends disastrously (he sleeps with the poor girl then calls her by George’s name) he ruminates:
”Why would I know what the signs were? I never had to read them before.”
It’s obvious why Shaun, a not-unattractive grown ass man whose other social skills appear to fall well within the range of “normal,” has such atrophied skills when it comes to this one thing. He’s never had to use them. Here’s Maggie the relationship guru:
”Have you ever had a girlfriend?” “Not as such, no.” ”Have you ever been in love?” There’s never been a good answer to that question. I didn’t even try. I just shrugged.
I can’t find the tweet anymore but Seanan Maguire has confirmed that Shaun and George first got together the night after junior prom—they went with other people as a sort of experiment. (@JKRowling see, this is the sort of authorial headcanon that the fans actually clamor for.) The two of them just skipped right over the tentative fumbling awkward initial stages of dating, of getting to know each other, because they already know each other inside out. Shaun says:
Sometimes I’m even arrogant enough to think the Rising happened so we could be together.
Colloquially we use the term two people “being together” to mean they enter into an exclusive romantic relationship. But it’s intentionally ambiguous here whether he means that, or just the two of them finding each other, because what would have been the chances of their being raised together absent a global catastrophe like a zombie apocalypse. Shaun finds it impossible to separate the romantic aspect of their relationship from the familial bond, and that’s why I love incest thanks for coming to my ted talk. Oh, here’s Mahir the relationship guru:
”I mean, I didn’t know…” “What, that I loved your sister? Of course you didn’t, just like you had no idea Rebecca fancied you. You never had to go searching like the rest of us.”
Can I just say, on an unrelated note, I feel SO BAD for Mahir’s wife who’s not even a proper character? She doesn't get any screentime. But this is a small business how-to manual, remember, and the way Shaun is always ringing Mahir at 2 in the morning and Mahir feels obligated to pick up because it’s his boss? Mahir’s wife is a saint, canonize her immediately. Back to my earlier point about how Shaun has less experience with flirting/dating than your average fourteen-year-old:
This sort of thing was easier to handle when George was around. She was always the one who noticed when girls started crushing on me, and she made them go away. One way or another. I’ve never tried to deal with this sort of situation on my own before.
What’s fascinating is that it’s not just romantic entanglements that he’s at a loss to deal with:
I’d never driven any real distance with a passenger—not unless you counted George, who didn’t actually change the way the bike was balanced, or make it necessary for me to compensate for additional weight.
WHEN GEORGE RODE PILLION ON HIS MOTORCYCLE IT DIDN’T EVEN THROW OFF HIS BALANCE!!! He’s not used to having to think about compensating for a passenger’s weight bc with George everything came naturally!!! If this isn’t a metaphor for their entire relationship idk what the hell it is.
She didn’t like touching people, so I touched them for her. She didn’t like emotional displays, so I took up the slack.
She was the yin to his yang, they were a team etc etc. Here is how Shaun reacts when the book’s antagonist gives his Evil Villain Spiel:
”I never gave you much credit for brains, Shaun—that was your sister’s department, God rest her soul, and if she made any errors in judgment, it was in trusting you to watch her back—but I still thought you were smarter than this.” “You take that back,” I whispered.
Shaun couldn’t care less that this fool gives him zero credit in the brains department, but let him impugn George’s judgment even slightly and our boy is ready to throw hands. We stan.
These are my two favorite passages from the book:
George and I shared a lot of rooms exactly like this one, one of us dozing while the other kept working, the staccato click of keys providing the white noise that meant it was safe to sleep.
It’s a work partnership! It’s a sibling bond! It’s a romantic pairing! It’s us-against-the-world, it’s everything! Also this:
George and I used to have shower races. Who could get in and clean and out again in the shortest amount of time. All the guys we went to school with insisted that their girlfriends and sisters took forever in the bathroom, but George always beat me … once a month or so, she’d take over the bathroom for an afternoon to dye her hair back to its original color, which inevitably resulted in her shouting for me to come in and help her dye her roots. The sink on our old bathroom was stained a permanent brown by the time we were sixteen, and we ruined so many towels.
Lol the implied contrast between “other guys who complained about their gfs/sisters” and Shaun who’s been President of the Georgia Mason Fan Club for over two decades.
ANYWAY the twist at the end of this novel is that George is alive. She’s being held at some scary, sterile government facility, and it’s clear from a minor early plot point involving clones that this isn’t George, it’s got to be a George-clone. Because George 1.0 died in Shaun’s arms. But George 2.0 has got all George’s memories so we’re going to go ahead and treat her just like George, which sets us up nicely for alternating Shaun-and-George POVs when we return for the final installment of the “Newsflesh” trilogy.
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centralparkpawsblog · 4 years
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Labradoodle vs Goldendoodle
https://www.centralparkpaws.net/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/Goldendoodle-Medium-sized-cream-colored-F1-Generation.jpg This past weekend I was camping up north with family and friends.
Our campsite happened to be across from a family with two dogs, Fred and George (think Harry Potter). Of course, I had to go over and say, “Hi,” since I can’t help but to want to pet every dog I see.
The two dogs looked like either a Goldendoodle or a Labradoodle.
It turned out that there was one of each!
And, like all dog parents, they were more than happy to talk to me about their dogs.
They had adopted both dogs from the same breeder at the same time. Both dogs were quite young and energetic.
I’ve had limited exposure to the Doodle breeds, so it was quite interesting to learn more about them.
I learned the two breeds are similar in several ways, yet different in others.
Also, I hadn’t realized the importance of choosing a dog from the right generation.
Labradoodle and Goldendoodle Generations
A medium F1 Goldendoodle Photo by Goodlepups (CC BY-SA 4.0)
The dog’s generation is important because it impacts the dog’s traits, especially regarding their dander and shedding.
F1 – The first generation, resulting from breeding a purebred dog with a purebred poodle.
F2 – The result of breeding two F1 dogs
F3 – The result of breeding two F2
If you see a “B” after the number, it means that the dog was bred back to a purebred poodle.
The two most common types are F1B and F2B.
The purpose of breeding the dog back to a poodle is to reduce shedding.
Many Doodle breeds are 75% poodle and only 25% another breed.
History of the Labradoodle and Goldendoodle
Labradoodle
The original purpose of creating a Labradoodle was to come up with a more hypoallergenic service dog[1].
It is believed that the first doodle was a Labradoodle created by Wally Conron in the 1980s.
He was looking for a service dog, for a blind woman whose husband was allergic to dogs.
Goldendoodle
The Goldendoodle emerged in the 1990s on the heels of the Labradoodle’s success[2].
Golden retrievers have been a well-loved breed over the years, but their shedding can be a deterrent to those interested in getting a dog.
When the Goldendoodle started to gain in popularity, their lack of shedding held great appeal to those reluctant to have dog hair in the house.
Physical Differences Between a Labradoodle and a Goldendoodle
Though Labradoodles and Goldendoodles look similar, there are few small differences in their physical appearance.
Most of the differences can be seen in the texture and color of their coats.
Thanks to the poodle, both Labradoodles and Goldendoodles come in three different sizes: small, medium, and large.
Left: Macie the Goldendoodle Right: Dillon the Labradoodle Photo by Roy Niswanger (CC BY 2.0)
Height
These are the average heights to the shoulder.
Goldendoodles are generally taller than Goldens Retrievers and Labrador Retrievers.
  Goldendoodles
Small 12-15 inches
Medium 16-19 inches
Large 19-25 inches
Labradoodles[3]
Small 14-16 inches
Medium 17-20 inches
Large 21-24 inches
Weight
Goldendoodles[4]
Small 18-30 pounds
Medium 30-50 pounds
Large 50-70 pounds
Labradoodles
Small 15-30 pounds
Medium 30-45 pounds
Large 50-85 pounds
Curious about other dog sizes? Click here to learn this info about German Shepherds!
Coats
Goldendoodles
…have longer softer coats compared to the Labradoodle.
Also, some Goldendoodles have a wavy coat that can be red, apricot, cream, or caramel.
Labradoodles
…have shorter more coarse hair than Goldendoodles.
Also, Labradoodles come in a wider variety of colors. They can be chocolate, black, cream, red, yellow, white, and multi-colored.
Things to Know…
When looking for a Doodle or any designer dog breed, the physical and behavioral characteristics can vary greatly.
How Much Exercise Do They Need?
Can you tell which is the lab and which is the Labradoodle?
Both the Goldendoodle and Labradoodle have similar exercise needs.
Though there are always exceptions and, of course, age and size play a role as well.
The two breeds are both originated from the sporting breed group.
Sporting breeds generally require a fair amount of exercise, like walking, playing ball, and swimming.
The good thing about Goldendoodles and Labradoodles are that they don’t need a ton of exercise, like a five-mile run every day. The smaller versions of these two breeds require a little less exercise and space to play.
I’m a strong believer that, big or small, old or young, exercise is a part of dog parenting.
After you exercise them you need to feed them! Click hear to learn which dog foods are best!
Personality Differences Between a Labradoodle and a Goldendoodle
Both breeds are friendly dogs.
However, the Goldendoodle is more social than the Labradoodle.
Also, Goldendoodles tend to be more exuberant when expressing themselves to others.
Though Labradoodles are definitely amiable dogs, they are more reserved than Goldendoodles.
They tend to prefer the company of their family, over greeting everyone they meet.
Both are intelligent dogs and have been used for service and therapy dogs.
Labradoodles excel as service dogs, whereas Goldendoodles are better suited to work as therapy dogs.
Common Health Issues Found in Labradoodles and Goldendoodles
Doodles can develop health issues common to the original breeds[5].
This means that they’re able to inherit health issues from both sides of their family, creating a longer list of health issues.
Goldendoodles Are More Prone to the Following Diseases:
Hip Dysplasia
Sebaceous Adenitis (skin disease common to Poodles)
Subvalvular aortic stenosis (heart disease common to Golden Retrievers)
Addison’s disease
Eye diseases like retinal atrophy, cataracts, and glaucoma
Labradoodles Are More Prone to the Following Diseases:
Hip and elbow dysplasia[6]
Eye diseases like retinal atrophy and Von Willebrand’s Disease
Sebaceous Adenitis (skin disease common to Poodles)
Average Lifespan
Another similarity between the two breeds is their lifespan.
Both breeds’ average life expectancy is 10-15 years old.
Their age is also impacted by the size of the dog, as smaller dogs usually have a longer lifespan.
Labradoodles and Goldendoodle Hypoallergenic Traits
Both dogs are known to be a good breed for those who are allergic to dogs.
Also, both breeds shed less than most other dogs, which they get from their poodle parents.
However, keep in mind though that no dog is entirely free of dander. Both dog breeds may still cause problems for those who suffer from severe allergies.
It is crucial that if you are looking for a hypoallergenic dog that you find a dog that falls into the F1B category.
Ultimately, the dog will have a higher genetic percentage of poodle than of lab or golden.
How Much Do Goldendoodles and Labradoodles Cost?
From a reliable breeder either breed can cost between $1500-$2500[7].
Less expensive dogs can be found; however, less is not always better here. If you are thinking of buying from a breeder, do your research on them first.
Also, be sure that they include a health certification on the puppy’s parents.
Though there is no guarantee that the dog you choose will be healthy, you will reduce the chance if you buy a dog that comes with proper certification.
Final Thoughts
Consider the ball, uh, I mean, breed, carefully!
Both breeds are amazing dogs that carry similar positive traits.
I don’t feel that there is a better breed between the two dogs.
Through my research, the three most significant differences between the two breeds are their people skills, the texture of their coat, and color.
I think both breeds are absolutely adorable and perfect family dogs. I particularly like the different size choices.
That all being said, it is essential to note that these are mixed breeds and relatively new breeds.
The traits that you get in a doodle are less reliable than purebred dogs that have a long and stable history. The lack of reliability also applies to the dog’s overall appearance.
If you decide on getting a Goldendoodle or Labradoodle, I encourage you again to do your research.
There are both excellent and horrible dog breeders out there, and it’s not always apparent which is which.
Alternatively, if you are seeking a more mature dog to avoid the puppy training, rescue groups are great at matching dogs with forever families.
FAQ
Which Shed More, Goldendoodles or Labradoodles?
They both are minimally shedding dogs.
Which Is Better for Allergies, Goldendoodles or Labradoodles?
They are the same. Just be sure the dog is of a generation that has been bred back to the poodle, which decreases shedding and dander.
What is a Teddy Bear Goldendoodle?
In short, it is an English Golden Retriever crossed with a Poodle. They are also known as English Goldendoodles.
Resources
https://www.cobberdogking.com/en/about-labradoodle/how-was-the-labradoodle-created/
https://www.goldendoodleassociation.com/about-the-breed/history-of-the-goldendoodle/
https://rockymtnlabradoodles.com/labradoodle-sizes/
https://www.teddybeargoldendoodles.com/goldendoodles/english-goldendoodle-sizes
https://pets.thenest.com/problems-labradoodles-9759.html
https://www.embracepetinsurance.com/dog-breeds/labradoodle
https://www.westwoodlabradoodles.com/what-does-a-doodle-cost-/
The post Labradoodle vs Goldendoodle appeared first on Central Park Paws.
from https://www.centralparkpaws.net/pet-facts/labradoodle-vs-goldendoodle-comparison/
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finsterhund · 5 years
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Second appointment. They are wasting no time. Things are finally being set in motion.
They brought A PUPPY IN. I was just shocked and then they were in MY APPOINTMENT. This sleeping puppy. He was so small. I got to hold him for most of my appointment. He slept for most of it and was so soft and cute and small. He was dreaming. He kicked his feet and made soft sounds as he dreamed. He's a little tan toy poodle and I never wanted to let him go. He was only six weeks old. He chewed on my stuffed dog's foot and also on my paper and he had the puppy breathe smell I like so much. I got to take him out to pee and he kept trying to eat flowers instead.
He is going to be a therapy dog I think they said. They're socializing him as early as they can to make his training easier snd come naturally. They said I probably needed him. I did. I felt so safe and I only had to stop myself from a stutter loop once with him around. I usually have stutter loops happen extremely frequently. My friend also got to come into the room. I felt a lot better this time.
This cements what I already know. I feel safe with dogs near me. Dogs help me feel safe. I close my eyes and I still see him. Actually trying not to cry on the trip back home.
I remember saying that I haven't held a puppy that small in a very long time. I could feel his heartbeat and his breathing under my hand. It just felt right. I felt strong and in control.
My bloodwork will be determining what medicines to be on so it doesn't hurt my sensitive treasure trove of conflicting medical issues. I will be seeing a nutritional specialist about my atrophy and anemia and within the next few months will be receiving medication.
In September I am seeing the family doctor about the stuff that's been going on with my skin. That means I'll finally be getting that sorted out. Excited. It's been literal years.
We talked about some sensitive topics. But it was okay because the puppy was there. The reason they are jumping through hoops is my ability to consent is complicated by being age regressed. I understand that to an extent. Just wish some issues were taken more importantly. You know how it is.
Everybody is so nice.
They keep grounding me in the present by reminding me that rules I was forced to follow and survival skills are no longer needed. It's hard to internalize them but being reminded in the present helps me overcome them at the time.
Medicine has advanced. Things that required massive needles in the past require tiny ones now. I am scared of blood work but hoping it goes well.
I wish I had a puppy.
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shadowtongued · 5 years
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DISCLAIMER; THIS HAS BEEN IN THE MAKING SINCE DEC 2017, I was just too shy to post it. Keep in mind that I'm not in any way, shape, or form trying to put my headcanons or interpretation of lore over anyone else's and this is pretty much just a general long-form run down for my roleplay blog to help people who aren't familiar with RS, so for my non-RS friends it's more of an explanation of how this 'tall ancient magic alien man' is and works. Physiology and some other cultural blurbs with the occasional emphasis on Sliske, because, well, that's what my roleplay blog is for. This is also mostly a passion project since I'm pretty fixated on this, if you read this at all, kudos to you and ily, ty for coming to my Ted Talk about this. Special thanks to people/friends who put up with me ranting abt this obscure fandom and helped me flesh out headcanons, and @theresiidentdevil  the artwork that i commissioned that i use way too much bc devil really... really did my version of snek man nice. Other imgs used are scrounged from ja.gex’s concept arts and etc. ONCE AGAIN THIS IS NOT CANON, AND JUST MY PERSONAL HYPOTHESIS, feel free to reblog but please don’t like... edit or try to give me heavy crit or come @ me with some lore bit from so-and-sos tweet that I am wrong and am a doodoo head or something. This was just a spot o’ fun and please don’t try to drag my interpretation or expunge this for laughs on the official lore discord. I’ve seen it done before and it’s not cool. individual creative interpretation is beautiful, mob bullying is not.
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To kick things off, the Mahjarrat are one of a few ancient tribes that live on the ash, lava, and stone wasteland that makes up the dead planet of Freneskae. They are highly skilled in magic and intellect by nature, as well as living by a firm form of kratocracy; a government by those who are strong enough to seize power through coercive power, social persuasion, or deceptive cunning. Along with this, their survival revolves around two rituals, one of death and sacrifice, the other of life and breeding. That right there should tell you a LOT about them, socially.  
HEIGHT.
Height varies from Mahjarrat to Mahjarrat, they are always going to be towering over most species, and most humans, as lore states that they generally are 1.5x the average human height. Sans that one wild ass gene of hyper height that makes gargantuan Mahjarrat like Lucien and Zemoregal, who tower over even Azzanadra's spike pope hat. Sliske himself stands at an 8′4 height, but that's just my headcanon for this blog's sake.
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SKULLS / BONES.
The Mahjarrat have thick skulls, if this wasn't pretty obvious with the additions of dual lines of bony ridges running parallel from the brow to back of the skull, and lower. Some, but not all individuals have rather, short horns as their 'first ridge' before normal ridges. They also seem to have a subtle browbone ridge above each eye. Sliske, as well as some of the canon Mahjarrat we know, have these short horns and I like to exaggerate them a bit as sharp and more obvious, because who doesn't love horns? I'd imagine there are also ridges across other parts of their bodies such as the shoulders, elbows, knees, smaller ones on the knuckles, and perhaps down the back and along the hips. Go wild. Anyways, their skulls are thick and heavy, as in if it comes down to having to head-butt someone at the sacrificial ritual as a last resort physical conflict when magic is exhausted, someone is going to be using every exploit they can to survive. Anything counts when your life is on the line. 
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*above concept art is of their lich-like forms. good for seeing skull shapes.
Most also have rather large jawbones and powerful jaw muscles, and have a decent bite force to clamp down; like above, can and will use the force of their jaws if they have to with a good 1,069 psi (pounds per square inch), a little less than a hyena, meaning they can break bones with enough force. The main reasoning for this is their powerful mandible adductor muscles and the leverage needed to keep their jaw closed in their lich-like forms with the loss of skin and some atrophy, when they begin to run low on energy before every 500 years ( more on this later ), otherwise their toothy jaws would be hanging open and they'd look quite silly. It's quite rare for a Mahjarrat to bite unless as a last resort attack, out of spite when healthy ( almost as if saying 'you are weak and aren't worth the waste of magical energy' ), or for other minute reasons. Males tend to have very pronounced 'spikes' on their chins and larger skull ridges, but it's not completely unheard of a female having a 'spiked' chin and larger ridges. Sexual dimorphism isn’t too well explained or solidified by Jagex, we haven’t really seen much due to the few living Mahjarrat we see.
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TEETH / CONSUMPTION.
personal interpretation of sliske’s teeth here.
Speaking of teeth, Mahjarrat have exceedingly sharp teeth for being part of a race that is not carnivorous or needing any sustenance at all. They have more teeth than humans (not really canon, just my personal interpretation, I prefer them being very Alien over ‘grey human reskin’); while almost every tooth has a sharpness to it, be it incisors or tines in the molars. Their front teeth seem to be ridged with smaller points, you probably don't want to get nipped by them, even if it's just playful or affectionate (uh, whatever they deem as affection). It's a real shame that Sliske seems to enjoy this, in the few moments he puts on a faux air of affection to scratch an itch or when deciding to use seduction as a ploy to further his manipulation or intel gathering, among other rare, convoluted feelings towards someone he's 'affectionate' with. Teeth shape and sizes can vary due to the Mahjarrat way of breeding and eugenics to create survivability through offspring on what traits work. Basic Darwinism, tbh. Following my ever favorite serpent motif for Sliske, you can expect his teeth to be pretty ophidian/snake-like. Due to my headcanon to their dark blood color, Mahjarrats may have dark or black gums. Small addition: babs do have sharp defensive baby teeth that fall out into hellish adult ones. Nice.
Mahjarrat do not need to eat or drink, as they are fueled fully by an arcane energy that they receive from rituals, and slowly deplete this over several centuries. Their power can last even longer if an individual is stingy with their power, or unaware of their power like Kharshai, who spent several centuries in a human guise hardly using any energy while unaware he was even a Mahjarrat. Despite not needing sustenance, it's not unheard of for Mahjarrat to attempt eating or drinking for whatever reason, be it pleasure or to emulate others. Hazeel's memories almost adorably describe some Mahjarrat attempting to sit and politely eat with humans to 'bond with them', despite them later having to regurgitate what they had eaten and Hazeel's repulsion at any creature eating at all. Several lore snippets include Zamorak enjoying wine and in Kindred Spirits, Sliske making the comment he may be drunk after downing the contents of a bottle. Whether or not they actually can become inebriated or have any sort of digestive system to even mildly uptake anything is debatable. For headcanon's sake, I like to think Sliske has no issue with pleasure eating and for taste, especially chocolate, fully knowing he'll have to bring it back up later. Most Mahjarrat have tongues that can be dark in color to only slightly brighter due to their dark blood color. Like horns, some end up with a slightly bifurcated tongue tip, some do not and have a single, sharp tip. Sliske is an extreme mutated case and has a very obvious black, snake-like, forked tongue. Just don’t ask him to do the thip thip because he won’t.
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(WHERE’D YA GET THOSE) EYES / SENSES.
Usually, A Mahjarrat's eyes correspond to the color of the jewel embedded in their crown, but not always. They have very, keen eyes and their eyesight is exceptional to suit the darkness of Freneskae due to the constant ashfall and cloud cover. They can see short distances, but farther into heavy smoke and ash than most species, and can indeed see in the dark with excellent night vision and have a structure similar to an animal's tapetum lucidem, which is what reflects light and makes that eerie glare you see from animals in the dark. Due to spending a lot of time on Freneskae and being well adapted to that environment, it was quite a jolt for them to get accustomed to sunlight on Gielinor when brought during the Menaphite War, as they were used to heavy 'cloudy' weather due to ash blocking out what light they did get, and being used to the constant lightning strikes and the glow of volcanic rifts and lava pools. But they adapt quite well and while they still prefer muted lights, they have no problem in the sunlight after adjusting a bit. Think of when it’s a sunny summer day and you leave your dark house and how for a few minutes you have to acclimate. Sliske has the most trouble with this, seeing as he still spends quite some time in the darkness of the Shadow Realm which is hazy and muted in light. He's quite prone to straining and headaches/migraines from bright lights on Gielinor ( and Earth since a lot of my writing takes place on Modern Earth ).
Mahjarrat have fairly acute senses and sharp ears, and while most concept art shows them similar to human ears, why not lorge, sharp, and pointy ( as not to be so human )? Plus, imagine a few with larger, pointed ones that flick when irritated. That's cute, but deadly. They can hear fairly well and can hear you talking shit. Not exactly up to par with a bat or a moth, but quite up there with horses or cats. I'd imagine the rest of their senses are pretty keen despite not using taste or smell as much as a human, but most senses are still fairly above a human’s.
I'm not exactly sure how they'd fare in the aspect of touch, but it is known that they are very, very strong and can break bones with their bare hands. They have exceptional strength in their bodies and despite teleporting some ways, I'll bet most of them are decently muscular or lean under those robes due to their solidity and a bad example perhaps, but, uh, have you seen Zamorak's exposed chest? I'm sure 'godhood' didn't change that much, albeit some. Who wouldn't love a decently built Enahkra who will hand your ass to you? A babe. Sliske himself, while being one of the leanest of the Mahjarrat, probably has core strength and broad shoulders under those pauldrons. I'd like to imagine he'd also ( as some other of his kin) would be pretty flexible and train his Praetorians to be similar and absolutely strong in the event of having to resort to physical combat or maneuvering out of capture. Most of them were born on Freneskae, a planet made of plenty of solid rock/crystal cliffs and caves, they made pilgrimages pretty often to the ritual site, so some rock climbing was probably involved as they grew. Plus, image small, child Mahjarrat, not able to teleport or be proficient in magic, just out on a day with less lightning, climbing around, chucking rocks into lava for fun. I'm getting off-topic and we'll talk about babbies some other post.
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SKIN / STRIPES / SCARRATIONS.
personal interpretation body/stripe of sliske here. (mildly nsfw)
 Skin colorations are usually running the gamut of dark grey, pale grey, and dull color such as a grey-green, grey yellow and more. It's also notable that Mahjarrat are shapeshifters and are known to slowly take on the appearances of the conditions they are in for extended amounts of time; Kharshai becoming more 'viking-esque' like the Fremennik people who took him in when he was unaware he was human, and also Bilrach's warped appearance from spending god knows how long in Daemonheim with larger ridges, scarring, and some more demonic-looking features. Sliske himself has a very deep, dark slate grey skin tone from the amount of time he spends in the dark of the Shadow Realm, beginning to mimic its dusk. 
Mahjarrat have thick skin, built initially to withstand the heat and abrasion of their home world’s rocky and dangerous climate and environment, but also notably protective against icy and snow-fraught climates, as they have little to no issue or complaint at heading far North of the Fremennik Providence, near the icy fortress of Ghorrock where their ritual stone lays on Gielinor ( it's also notable that Jhallan asks the adventurer to re-seal him within a fuggin’ block of ice to rest again, proving they do not mind the cold at all ). Their skin can scar if proper regeneration is not taken to heal wounds, as Mahjarrat are known for almost instantaneously healing themselves of most wounds on the battlefield to their own volition, but this is quite rarely seen on them, sans Bilrach.  For all we know, they could be quite scarred from lack of regeneration fueled by magical energy or quite severe wounds under those robes that cover most of their body, I personally headcanon that some may have some scarring on their hands and forearms due to the might of some of the spells they use. I also personally headcanon Sliske having a pretty nasty burn across his shoulder and ribs trailing to the hip on the left side from Tumeken's explosive self-sacrifice detonation that wiped out the entirety of his army and at least 3/4ths of the Mahjarrat present, sans the ones spared by Azzanadra's quick shielding. I would think that some of them also may have suffered from similar scars due to Kharshai admitting they were tired and wounded after the event.
Striping and markings can litter their forms in sparse or rather heavy. Most Mahjarrat have at least some facial striping that can be a monochrome pale grey or darker, or a bright color such as Wahisietel's bright red trailing across his ridges to his chin spikes, Enakhra's vivid pink colorations, and Khazard's orange striping. While stripes may look similar from individual to individual you are hard-pressed to find two Mahjarrat with identical markings, and we have never heard of any twins being born from their tribe in canon ( Not saying it's not possible! But that would be a lot of strain seeing as once child is hard enough for a pair to conceive ). It's unknown if the stripes are across the rest of their bodies, but I say to hell with it. Why the hell not? Let the stripes go as angular or curvy as they please across their skin. Why limit the imagination. They are aliens. For the sake of me writing Sliske; he's a very pale silvery, parallel stripy thing under those robes with handsome slate skin. Go figure, that's jus' me though. ( Whatddya mean I made a personal ref of that?? s w e a t s?? slight warning for some not safies. )
CLAWS / FEET.
personal interpretation of sliske’s rock climbin’ sharp feets here.
Mahjarrat probably do have clawed hands and feet, and they are thick and sharp, along with strong ( most likely calloused for some ) palms and heels for climbing ( possibly before they were so proficient with teleporting ) They are also prime last resort weapons if need be and constantly need filing down on Gielinor and other terrains since they aren't around the rocky outcrops of Freneskae and using them there as much, most Mahjarrat seem to opt to wear gloves anyway. Their legs and arms are also pretty sturdy for climbing despite not needing to do so as much. I’d imagine they might just have longer toe and finger bones for mild gripping abilities when it comes to climbing. I’ve also kinda headcanoned often that they probably might have wrapped parts of their feet in bindings, just to keep things like soft arches or tendon areas save when climbing or walking. Ancient hellplanet fashion, baby.
GEMS.
Just about all Mahjarrat ( and Dreams of Mah in general ) have at least one 'crystal' or 'gemstone' in their brows or crowns ( whoever in the wiki said Sliske doesn't have one is a fraud, just because we don't see it due his V tapered hood doesn't mean it's not there, as it has been shown in several concept arts that he does have two yellow-green or 'peridotite' colored diamonds, like his half-brother’s four of the same color ). When asked about it in the Children of Mah quest, Wahisietel states that even they are not sure as to why they have them but believe it to be a direct connection to Mah. It's also implied that a dead Mahjarrat's 'crystal' often records their last thoughts or actions. Most Mahjarrat have the exact same bright iris color as their stones ( the concept art with Sliske having gold eyes throws me off, but I'd imagine there could be some minor color differences ). It seems that gemstones look-alike from siblings and offspring, as Sliske and his half-brother Wahisietel have almost the same colored crystal and shape despite Wahisietel having four diamonds to Sliske's two.
 ORGANS? OR LACK THEREOF? 
personal interpretation of nasty snake man blood here.
It's truly unknown as to just how many organs Mahjarrat have and if there is any comparison to be made to humans. It can be hypothesized they do have at least a heart ( With more chambers than a humans? Or two! Who knows! ) and lungs. If they do have lungs, it could be stated that they are very strong and made to filter out the heavy ash and debris of Freneskae's poor air quality, our adventurer had enough trouble breathing on Freneskae if you didn't take face gear. They do not seem to have a digestive tract as they do not need sustenance or hydration and perhaps have a makeshift stomach that leads nowhere as if they do eat anything, they just have to regurgitate it. Onto blood, they possibly do have a circulatory system and blood, as Lucien states he didn't 'want to spill any more Mahjarrat blood'. Normal human blood would be a bit boring so I like to imagine they have thick, dark-colored blood that has some iridescent properties to it ( not glittery, but if you have ever seen what the ink in a ballpoint pen looks like when dumped out, it has a particular shine to it. ) and never seems to be just one color, like an oil slick. Probably because it's so rich in arcane properties which would also make it pretty toxic, bitter, or awfully sickly sweet. This also means that they would blush pretty dark in color and have dark-colored tongues and etc. rather than red like humans, that's.... kinda cute.  Also, if we are talking about organs and parts, a small blurb, no, female Mahjarrat do not have boobs. There's no need since they probably do not feed their young at all. So breaking canon for the sake of biology, hi, Mahjarrat probably don't have boobs or nips. Kinda doesn’t make sense. SHRUG. But they do have belly buttons, so maybe they are gestated with umbilical cords.
THE BANE OF THE JMOD’S EXISTENCE: MAHJARRAT REPRODUCTION
Y'all wanted it Jmods yell when we ask for it, here it is: my reproduction hypothesis. We have little to no real canon lore for Mahjarrat other than that they do(?) reproduce sexually, it takes a lot of energy to do so (abt 50% physical effort, 50% the pair pooling their life energy into the event, kinda dangerous), and that they are culturally fond of breeding during earthquakes ( this was just a cultural tradition and it's probably possible to breed outside of this tradition, the jokes say it’s almost Pavlovian ). They have a specific ritual for breeding, The Ritual of Enervation. The Enervation is the foil of a Ritual of Rejuvenation where one of their kind is sacrificed to provide all others with energy and return them from their lich-like states to fleshy filled out ones, the Enervation is a pilgrimage to select a mate and breed to create a new Mahjarrat between a pair. It's slightly hinted that the pair chooses their mate based upon battle prowess or cunningness ( Zemouregal Senior chose his mate based on her skills in battle ) . Much like real animals today, they want only the strongest genetics and mutations to continue on. All of them fight each other for their pick of a mate. Very rarely do the pairs have any emotional attachment, this is rare. And the ritual still isn't pretty; I'll say it, they are rough lovers. Expect biting, scratching, bruising, and more. Kinky. Let me tell you, human genitalia are boring as hell when you are describing aliens. Phallic genitalia differs a lot from individual to individual, it's a slight 'grab bag to see what part works best for future genetics'. Mahjarrat bits are pretty internal until aroused since it makes no sense for them to be external seeing as all Mahjarrat lose a lot of skin and muscle to atrophy as they age and lose energy, so they'd do better internally and tucked away. Vaginal genitalia differs heavily as well, anything goes. Barbs? Sure. Flowery looking bits? Sure. It's aliens, guys. Go wild. Same thing with sexualities and genders, other than what they want to present themselves as, we don't know shit, so go for it. I'm fairly sure Mahjarrat really don't mind gender identity and anything goes, they see power, survival, and fighting over everything else. Sliske, of course, is male presenting and yes, has his own unique bits. Uh, ridges, bifurcated tip, fan-like appendage for preventing backflow. I'd describe more but I'm already pRETTY FUCKING SHY RIGHT NOW BC I DON'T KNOW HOW TO talk much abt this. I'm a beginner alien fucker. Give me a break. UPDATE: I went there, I no longer have shame. bc I roughly drew it.
I’m not sure what the good estimate would be when it comes to how long a Mahjarrat gestates, is it longer than a human? Quicker due to magic? We just don’t know. The birth rate is exceedingly low due to the dangers and strain of Freneskae, it's not unheard of for miscarriages or mothers to pass away from lack of energy or during the fray of the constant other tribes attacking each other. Generally, it's a duty to protect a gravid mother of the sake of population, mate or not. Putting aside your disdain for your nemesis was hard but needed if you wanted to keep your tribe thriving. Fathers don't tend to stick around after the ritual other than to check in to protect their child and future genetics as insurance. Mothers rear children and if they could get along and not spat at one another, often looked after each other's children. Maternal groups were pretty common and one could leave another to watch their kids while they went off on their duties of making lightning rods, scouting, and more. 
MISC? 
Mahjarrats don't exactly have the same bonds as humans and familial life was harsh, mainly due to the stress of knowing your own blood one day might betray you and vote you off to be the sacrifice at a ritual. They are not affectionate as much as humans and care in their own backwards way about each other if they are family, but it's an arm's length approach. Sliske and Wahisietel seem to get along and still probably have their ferocious verbal quarrels and have possibly even physically scuffled a bit over things, but managed to have concern for one another, as do Mahjarrat who are as best a definition of 'friends' can be to them. Remember that they are very paranoid of one another and usually only see eye to eye if in the same political faction or having to make a deal or coerce one another to stand up for you if you are challenged at a ritual ( later on this became a huge political agenda between the two main sides; Zamorakian or Zarosian and fighting intensified at dislike for each other ). As they evolved from their creation, they just generally became more and more mistrustful of each other to point of paranoia. So affection is incredibly weird to them and the first thought that comes from it is 'what do you want and why?' and it's expected to be a deceitful notion. Hence, Sliske is incredibly good at persuading others and using deceitful action to lure people but the moment it's done to him, he'll play along but consider it warily as false notions. Sorry not sorry, that's pretty habitual to him and will stay with him, as well as his kin. You're never going to have a 'stable relationship' with any Mahjarrat. Well, not 100% at least. You can try, they might even appreciate it if they aren’t offended.
That’s about all I wanted to say and anything left out of this word spew can be covered in other posts. Like culture.... or babbies. I have a lot to say about Babjarrats but no place right now to keep up this long shit.  UPDATE: i talked abt my thoughts on babjarrats. it was the best of my life.
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