#but I didn't thought it would have a connection with hindi!!

[1v31182m5]

idk and idc if this is known, but asha means wish in hindi

Oh my god really?? Thank you for telling!!

[felinecryptid]

A Phone Call Away

this is just goldenpunk fluff idk what else to tell you, there's no plot to this

“Hi,” Pav whispered, as soon as the call connected.

“‘ello,” Hobie hummed. “Wha’ are ya’ upto?”

“Nothing, I’m just out getting some groceries. Auntie sent me out and told me not to come back, until I find the brand of tea she likes,”  Pav smiled and Hobie could feel the sun shining on his face. Then he frowned. “Are you still in bed?” 

Hobie laughed. ”I was readin’ a book,” He said, holding up 1984.

“Gadhe. Tell me you've eaten something, at least,” Pav shook his head, putting a bag of potatoes in his cart.

“Ate some leftover chips, luv’, don’t worry about it.”

“I am going to worry, it’s like 2 in the afternoon at yours, and you’re still in bed. I’m not even there to cook you something.” Pav whined. Hobie felt something warm curl up in his chest.

“Awwh, babe, you love me?”

“Of course, janemann, I love you so much.”  Pav held up a pack of tiny biscuits Hobie recognised to be ‘little hearts’. “I would literally kill to kiss you right now.”

“I’d die to kiss ya’.”

“Yeah.” Pavi stared at something off camera, doing some calculations with his unoccupied hand. “Hey, do you think I should get the family pack for 150 rupees or buy two 4-packs of maggi at 160?” He turned to the camera, showing a yellow pack of noodles to Hobie.

“I don't even know the difference,” said Hobie, finally getting up from his bed, looking for the copper water bottle Pav had bought for him.

Pav hummed, “I’m getting the two 4 packs,” He dumped the said items into his cart. “Should I get schezwan chutney for you?”

“The red spicy one? Oh fuck yea’ ov' course,” He said, watching the shirt ride up Pav’s shirt as he reached for the sauce on the top shelf. “It too high for you, shona?” Hobie asked, seeing the predictable blush rise up Pav's face at the hindi pet name. He loved it when Hobie tried and butchered hindi.

“Jaanu, you know I'm in public. I can't respond like I want to, that's so unfair.”

“I know, mere subah ki kiran,” He said, voice raspy, words feeling unusually rounded yet familiar.

“Hobie!”

Hobie laughed. He could see the deep, almost-maroon blush high on Pav’s cheeks. 

“Have you been learning from Gayatri again?” Pav asked, voice accusatory, and a sparkle in his eyes.

“I'm not gunna conform o' deny tha',” Hobie finally found the bottle under the bed, and drained it.

“I love you so much, you ass.”

“I love ya too. Wha' time is it at yours now?”

“Around eight pm, why do you ask?”

“I thought we’d eat together, you could have dinner early and I'd’ve a late brekkie.”

“It’s a late lunch at this point,” Pav scolded. “But yes, I'd like that. What are we eating?

“Mac n' cheese?”

“You know that auntie would kill me if i told her that's my dinner.”

“Jus' tell her it's a snack.”

“You are the snack,” Pavi giggled, highly weird behaviour when in public, but Hobie liked the thought of them being disgustingly cute for everyone to see. Everyone to see their love. Everyone to see how important Pav is to him.

Another part begged him to hide Pav away bc what if his enemies hurt Pav to get at him?

Hobie shook his head, because what enemies did he have? He was a tattoo artist and Pav was a physics academic. It's not like they were fighting supervillains everyday.

Pav thought the head shaking was for his comment because he doubled down. “No you definitely are.” 

“Does tha' mean you wanna eat me instead ov' the mac n’ cheese?”

“No- I mean- Yes, but what the fuck Hobie, I’m literally at the supermarket, and yes I have earphones in, but-” Someone knocks into Pav.

Hobie recognised the glint of her earrings a moment before he heard her voice. “Oh my god, Pav! You didn't tell me you were back in India?”

“Gayatri! I'm sorry, I came back like 3 days ago, and I've been too busy with packing Maya auntie’s things, I literally forget to sleep,” Pav laughed.

“Sounds like an excuse, Pavitr Prabhakar, you little bitch. If you had let me know, I'd have helped you.”

“That's exactly why I didn't tell you, aren't you working on that new movie? With Ranveer Singh in it?”

“So what, I could make time? And what kind of friend would I be if I didn't help Maya auntie and you to pack her things- Where's she going by the way?”

“Oh, uh- she's moving to the UK, in with us.”

“Oh, she's leaving?”

“Yeah, Hobie and I thought it'd be better if she lived with us and UK has better resources aur sach bolun to unko mujhe apne paas hi rakhna hai.”

“Yeah that's good, I'm going to miss her, I'll miss you both,” Gayatri's voice seemed sad. “But now I've got an excuse to barge into your house.”

“Wasn't I reason enough?”

“You? yes. Hobie? yes. Dono saath mein? Nope, thank you I'm pretty sure I’d have to bleach my eyes.”

“Thats-”

“Shut it. Speaking of hobie, show me the ring?”

Hobie watched as Pav swapped hands, bringing up his left ring finger into view, a familiar ring shining under the harsh grocery store lights.

Gayatri muffled a squeal. Pav’s grin was so wide that Hobie thought it was bleeding off him to Gayatri and him because Hobie found himself smiling into the cabinets as he took out a box of pasta.

“Ohh! kitna pyaara hai! is that real moonstone?”

“Yeah, it's covered with a thin layer of artificial diamond, it's custom made.”

“I'm so jealous. if my next partner doesn't put in at least this amount of effort, i'm breaking up,” Gayatri shoved Pav gently.

“Hobie would love to hear that. Hey, Hobie, did you hear that?” Pav turned to Hobie gleefully, Gayatri butting into the frame with a delighted look.

“Hi Angrez, wasn't stealing Pav’s heart enough? You had to take Maya auntie too?”

“Oh you can’t hear him, take my other earbud.”

Gayatri takes it, sticking out a tongue at both of them.

“Hello guruji,  you are the one 'elpin' me charm them,” Hobie saluted her with the spoon he was using to scoop out salt.

“Oh my god you are so impossible, what's the status on the Kohinoor?”

“Still on the king's head, regrettably.”

“You promised to get it back if I let you have Pav-”

“Hey, am I a tradable commodity now?”

“-at this rate you have to return the entire British museum, including interest.”

“I'd gladly do tha' on its own.”

“I’m going to accompany Pav to yours to make sure you do just that. Okay, guys, you can get back to your mushiness. I need to get going.” Gayatri waved at him and handed Pav his earbud, disappearing out of frame.

Pav looked at him with a giddy smile “I saw you put pasta in water, what do you want to bet I can check this out and get a take out box in ten minutes?”

“Not one euro or a rupee, I know ya can, including Maya auntie’s favourite tea.”

“I already found it,” Pav held up a box and Hobie couldn't resist blowing a kiss.

“You're on then,” He said, holding up a bag of shredded mozzarella. “Let’s see who gets mac n’ cheese done first.”

___

Translation:

gadhe - you ass (but this is the animal ass)

janemann - love of my life (not exactly but close enough)

maggi - verrrryyy popular desi masala ramen noodles

copper infusion water is considered healthy hence the copper bottle

schezwan chutney - a chilli garlic paste its delicious idk the recipe

shona - gold/love

jaanu - my life

mere subah ki kiran - my morning sunshine

Ranveer Singh - famous actor

aur sach bolun to unko mujhe apne paas he rakhna hai - and to be honest, i want her to stay close to me

dono saath me - both of you together

kitna pyaara hai - its so cute

angrez - foreigner (of the english kind)

guruji - extremely respectful word for teacher (when i say extremely respectful i mean it)

kohinoor - famous diamond stolen from india during British Raj

A/N:

this took me forever to edit

i tried a different process of writing which was quicker to finish but took so long to edit iwndiedksndid but ill do this again bc i like this way much better

this fic was inspired by my parents shout out to them for doing long distance straight after marriage with a 1 year old (me) i could never

comment if ya want more bc they keep me alive

[the-fandom-crossroads]

I've seen a bit of your essays about egypt references in sumeru. Will you do one for each character? Asking because I really wanna know what you think of Alhaitham, Deshret and Nabu Malinka

Oh Wow I'm so glad folks are still finding those! (also so sorry it took me like a month to respond)

So I double checked and I only got around to posting Nilou, Cyno, and Apep on Tumblr. I thought I vaguely touched on King Deshret just before 3.0 launch but I think that was just in a comment on someone else's post about Sumeru and Egypt. Same thing with Candace unfortunately.

I'd have to look into Al-Haitham a little more. Other than his name being Arabic there doesn't seem to be much linking him to the Egypt side of things. Most things from the Akademiya are Hindi inspired and I don't have enough knowledge in that area to feel comfortable assuming links between things.

For Nabu Malikata it was a waiting game. We knew about the flower goddess in 3.0, but it's only been the last two area updates where we've even learned her name. Now that we have all of it. . . It actually doesn't make it that much easier. Nabu implies Mesopotamian gods might be involved meaning there love myths are on the table along with the OsirisXIsis myth which would be the easy answer (if it was like a role swapped version lol), then you have the Tanit and Babel dropping Torah references left and right. On top of all that since we know Nilou is supposed to symbolize Nabu and Nilou has Hindi connections in her stuff we can't rule out Hinduism from our list of old religious sources.

Basically Mihoyo pulled from every middle eastern primary (hopefully) source they could get their hands on. And didn't care which they put on some characters. Characters like Cyno or Candace are easy to break down into Anubis and Horus. But even King Deshret has other things mixed in there. Like they legit replaced Amun-Ra with Deshret. Like they redesigned the eye of Ra to mean King Deshret in Teyvat. I'm guessing because Ra is so well known they couldn't use the name? But it just makes things messier.

So short answer Candace, Deyha, and King Deshret are definitely on the table for me to finally post their breakdowns. (Seeing as Candace's character quest or hangout apparently isn't happening). Nabu Malikata's breakdown and King Deshret and Nabu's love story on the other hand are in time out until if figure out if they're even an Egyptian myth or a Sumerian one.

And no time frame for any of these. It took me a month to get to this ask. I'm not exactly the fastest historical researcher at the moment.

[succiducus]

{uraz kaygılaroğlu, 34, agender, he/they/she} We are so glad to see you safe, ADVISOR ABDULLAH MACKENZIE of SCOTLAND! It’s dangerous out in the world these days, but I hear that you are CALCULATIVE and DEDICATED enough to handle it. Just don’t let your RECKLESSNESS bring you down! Stay on your guard, because with your secret being at risk for exposure, you wouldn’t want everyone to find out after the reckoning your heart is no longer in the rebellion.

b a s i c s //

birth name: murat abdullah mackenzie

nickname: abby

birthday: march 31st (aries)

occupation: royal advisor to the stuarts

orientation: demi-romantic / pansexual

status: single-ish

languages: english, scottish gaelic (native). persian, hindi, japanese (fluent). german, amharic, sanskrit (conversational).

character influences: brian kinney (queer as folk), link & ganondorf (tloz), aragorn (lotr), indra (the 100), uchiha madara (naruto).

tarot card: strength

p r o l o g u e //

crooked by nature, they have always had a knack for manipulation and persuasion - nurture worsened it. selfish; power-hungry; proud; a perfect canvas for the pursuits of the family that they'd been adopted into and admittedly for their own gain. freedom granted them invisibility and they remain clutched onto that to this day. they've slipped into and out of many empires, left impacts, bought loyalties but as chaotic as they are, they're not simpleminded. they make calculative decisions and take well thought out actions for the gain of themselves and the mackenzies. prepared, intuitive, controlled - sometimes they seem outwardly unapproachable, they led their army with a strong hand, charm their way through awkward situations, and work hard regardless of their reasonings for doing so. they have two faces and only those loyal to the mackenzies know which one is real. they will stop at nothing to attain what they want.

a c t i : l a l q i l a //

The Mughal Empire had always been, to him, a means to an end. After his discharge from the Scottish military, being reassigned to a new empire to help aid the rebellion in any way that he could, he thought that settling in Delhi was temporary, that he would not grow attached to the people, sights, and sounds that surrounded him on a daily basis, however, that was far from the case. Assuming a new identity, working his way through the ranks of their military, making connections and friendships (even if surface level), and getting acquainted with a culture that his birth parents had fallen in love with after leaving Scotland wasn't supposed to leave a mark on him, but it did. The Grand Memoriam; reconnecting with Cailean and his sisters; hearing the loud accents of the Scottish court in the dining hall; followed shortly by invasions, political fights, chaos, and watching his heart face death once more pushed Abdullah from a state of clarity into one of complete and utter exhaustion. He decided to resign from his position as commander, swear fealty to Claire Stuart, and return home. The Reckoning shook him far beyond exhaustion; it cemented his love for the empire in his heart.

t i m e s k i p //

Grief was not new to Abdullah. He had been mourning Scotland and his place within it for years before The Reckoning took the rulers of the Mughal Empire from him. However, the loss struck him harder than he thought it might. Grown accustomed to serving them, to his every thought encompassing their safety and safety of their empire, suddenly being without all of it made guilt trickle into the space between his ribs. He struggled with this for the majority of their journey home, tried his best to smile when he was supposed to smile; one might say that his years of pretending came in handy when asked if he was glad to be home by fellow clansmen and their family friends. It was interesting, he supposed, how being back on the moors of Scotland didn't remove the sting of having to leave India behind. With news of it's descent into chaos reaching him, the guilt of leaving it defenceless when he did, lingered. But, somewhere between training with his mother in the halls of Castle Stuart and sliding into bed next to the youngest Fergusson, his grief disappeared and was replaced by a warmth that was often threatened by the thought of what those he cared about most were doing behind the scenes. You see, even with the new reign among them, the rebels that he had once proudly stood with were strong, perhaps, even stronger than ever, and in the land under Stuart reign, whether by one monarch or by four, rebels careless enough to get caught were hung. Once a thought that made him chuckle, the reality of losing those he cared about to something they could choose to refrain from started to make him weary.

p r e s e n t d a y //

Exhausted by his days in the military and the monotony of daily life now that he's back home, when the opportunity to put his mind to use once more approached him, he took it. From Mughal Commander to Royal Advisor, Abdullah is settling into his position comfortably while still training under his mother's guidances to become Duke after her retirement - the most prominent issue? He's starting to see each Stuart as people and not monarchs, an issue for the once rebel still lurking under the surface. For now, he's keeping up appearances for the sake of his parents and lover, however, he's come to the realization that the exhaustion from years of pretending is finally catching up with him and if he had to be honest? He simply wished to wake up to the sun illuminating red hair, the loud purr of Mor, and the smell of grass fluttering in through the open window of their bedroom. He supposed, being so close to love and it's beauty had made him soft - he could no longer stomach the rebellion and what it had the potential to take from him.

c o n n e c t i o n s //

cordelia mackenzie (sister) - to be written

karolina mackenzie (sister) - to be written

cailean fergusson (soul-mate) - they have been caught in a dance of cat and mouse for decades, unable to shed their emotional attachment to one another. they fall apart, put distance between themselves, however the universe brings them back together, often stronger than the last time their souls tangled. once on the same side of the coin, they now faced the unique challenge of being on opposites. its led to countless arguments and skirting around the topic of the scottish monarchy yet underneath all of the anger and frustration, they make moves toward one another and for each other out of love, even if they cannot admit aloud quite yet.

[solreix]

ang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib niya habang tinatakbo ang hagdan ng lrt. naririnig niya na ang ragasa ng tren, at bago pa man siya maiwan ay ipinilit niyang makapasok agad sa unang tren na naabutan niyang nakahinto. fortunately, linggo ngayon at hindi sobrang siksikan.

"malas, malas," bulong niya sa sarili nang mapansing wala na naman ang panyo niya. ikatlong panyo na nawala niya ngayong linggo.

huminga siya nang malalim at marahang ibinuga ito upang kumalma. she could feel her heart slowly recovering from the adrenaline kanina. humigpit ang kapit niya sa hawakan nang finally umandar ang tren.

nang maramdaman niyang kalmado na ulit ito, sumandal siya sa pole na kinakapitan at inilabas ang cellphone para magmessage sana sa mga kaibigan. she was about to type when she noticed a familiar shoes from a man na nakaupo sa katapat ng upuan na kinakapitan ng pole na sinasandalan niya.

she looked up a bit, and saw a familiar person na nakayuko, mukhang tulog. and suddenly, memories began to flow.

"wear this for a while, let's buy you flats pagdating natin sa kabila," tetsurou said as he positioned on his knees para isuot sa kaniya ang sarili nitong white converse.

"you really don't have to, ano ka ba. i'm okay," pilit niya.

hindi niya kasi napansing nahalata pala nito ang bahagya niyang pag-ika dahil sa heels na suot. well, she chose this and it's okay. kaya lang mukhang hindi okay sa kasama niya.

"i'm sorry," dagdag niya nang hindi nito pinansin ang sinabi niya at ipinagpatuloy ang pagsuot ng sapatos sa kaniya.

"no, don't say sorry. it's okay. ayoko lang hindi ka komportable lalo ako ang kasama mo," sagot nito, and he really did look like he meant it.

"heels-heels pa kasi, 'no?" she joked.

tetsurou chuckled lightly. "hindi 'yon, ganda. okay lang naman kasi gusto mo, and you feel beautiful with that. but now that you're hurt, gawan natin ng paraan." and he jokingly messed her hair.

that... she didn't expect that. all the hesitance she had before finally meeting him after months of talking online flew. she expected him na pagalitan siya. he might have thought hindi naman pala niya kayang magheels, bakit nagsuot pa siya, but his actions and words said otherwise.

"pa'no ka?" kagat-labi niyang tanong, nakatitig sa paa nitong naka-medyas lang. he was left with it, along with his plain navy blue t-shirt na medyo hapit sa katawan niya, and black pants.

tetsurou looked up at her with those smug smirk. kanina ay akala niya nang-aasar ito, but no, he really had that natural smirk as if he was boasting every time he speaks. on the contrary, he's nothing but gentle with her aside from jokes he would let out that never failed to make her laugh.

"edi heels mo, batak 'to!" he then tried to fit the shoe na ikinatawa nila pareho.

tetsurou ended up walking on his socks hanggang sa makarating sila sa mabibilhan nila ng flats.

come to think of it—it really was the same off-white converse shoes she unexpectedly worn that day. once again, she tried peeking at the person's face, and her heart didn't stop beating again.

this stranger was painful to look at.

ilang buwan na nang natapos. pero bibiglain ka talaga ng mundo. she just wanted to see her friends today, hindi mag-alala ng masasayang memorya kasama ang taong hindi niya naisip na makakasalubong niya na lang.

ni-hindi niya matanong ang sarili niya ng "what went wrong?" dahil alam niyang wala namang mali kay tetsurou.

pero siya... masyado siyang naging okay sa thought na connected sila in some ways friends were not. satisfied siya sa thought na nandiyan si tetsurou para sa kaniya until she realized she was being unfair.

at syempre, kailangan nitong matapos bago pa magkasakitan nang sobra.

tetsu: wala ka namang kailangan gawin. be still, and stay, i can wait.

yn: i can't.

tetsu: anong ibig mong sabihin?

yn: i can't have you wait for something not sure. hindi ako for commitments tetsurou.

and just like that, she managed to erase him from her life. mukhang madali kasi saglit na block lang naman nagawa niya na. alam niyang hindi siya hahabulin nito because that's how he respected her. she had all the shots. and it was unfair.

"paparating na sa—"

bago pa man niya maintindihan ang sinasabi ay umangat ang mukha ng ngayo'y estranghero. agad siyang umiwas ng tingin. he looked the same, yet he felt different. para siyang nakatingin sa abandonadong playground kung saan nandoon pa rin lahat ng bagay, pero malabo na niyang malaro ulit dahil hindi na functional ang mga gamit.

naramdaman niyang bumukas ang pinto sa tabi niya, maging ang pagtayo ng estranghero. before she could even stop herself, she looked at him, and their eyes met.

and he looked away. just like what a stranger would do.

how it was before going back to being strangers:

yn:

tetsu:

[goldendoodlerlockerlove]

4 for the wip asks :)

Thank you so much!! :D

Sincerely, Me is a very rough WIP name for this WIP fic. It takes place in the universe of the musical Dear Evan Hansen, and it came about because I had the biggest desire in the world to write something Kleinsen-related (Evan Hansen x Jared Kleinman). It actually technically takes place in the movie universe, and I don't even particularly like the movie (I have thoughts). I don't hate it or anything, but it could've been done so much better. Anyway, I made it part of the movie universe so some good content could come from there. So, I guess I'd have to call it Kalsen (Evan Hansen x Jared Kalwani) because they changed his last name for the movie.

It's mainly centered around their daughter, Paige, and her best friend, Tyrone. Paige is Cis and Panromantic, and Tyrone is Trans Masc and Straight. They were definitely a fun duo to write, even though I didn't write that much for this fic. I was actually planning on it being a big, multi-chapter fic, but I might just try to make it a Oneshot so I can just finish it and post it. I'm not sure I can make it a big, multi-chapter fic with this concept, anyway.

Here's a little excerpt for you:

She didn’t answer, opting instead to glance at the trees. “I’m surprised you didn’t mention Jared being Indian first.”

She was well aware of his distaste for her calling her dads by their first names. In her opinion, it was entertaining watching his mouth become agape whenever she did this, so sometimes she’d do it on purpose. It never mattered to her--it was sometimes necessary, to distinguish them, and the two of them weren’t fretful of this habit. However, Tyrone always suggested she call Evan “Dad” and Jared “Pitā” instead, which is the Hindi word for Father. 

She never listened to this advice.

Tyrone began chasing a pebble with his shoe, “Well, he mentions being Jewish a lot more than he does being Indian.”

She sighed, crossing her arms as a sudden, harsh breeze cut through them, “I guess you’re not wrong.”

He didn’t stop harassing the pebble even when they approached her house. It was pretty average, as far as regular houses in suburbia went, being all beige and harsh corners, as well as a roof sharp enough to poke Santa on his journey every Christmas (she stole that joke from Jared).

Annnnd here's another excerpt that comes a little later!

“Paige?” She heard an all-too familiar voice float from the kitchen. “Is that you?”

“Yeah, Dad.” She began striding towards the source as Tyrone shot her a look. “It’s not as if I call them by their first names all the time.”

Jared was perched over the stove, nursing a bottle of water as he continued frying something on a pan. He enjoyed nursing a bottle of alcohol instead on some late nights, but he was trying to consume less for Bri’s sake. “Sorry about your sister. I thought she was going to be napping around now, but I guess it was my mistake assuming she would do anything I expect.”

Paige let out a snicker, “It’s fine, you know Ty loves her anyway.”

She leaned closer, trying to sneak a peek at his latest concoction, “I thought you wouldn’t be home. What is that?”

“I took the day off. It’s Rosh Hashanah, remember? This is chicken breast with leeks and potatoes. Your dad should be coming home soon from the park.” 

Paige felt her hand connecting hard with her face, “Oh God. Oh no. I can’t believe I forgot!”

A strength she always prided herself on was her ability to remember dates more so than everyone else in her family. The fact this one slipped by her was frustrating, to say the least--not to mention Rosh Hashanah was always her favorite Jewish holiday to celebrate. Perhaps Grace was making her more distracted than she first thought.

She turned towards Tyrone, “I’m sorry, I still can’t believe I forgot about this. I was hoping we’d be able to hang out tonight.”

“Well, I can’t see why he can’t stay for dinner.”

Her mouth agape, she turned on her heel to face Jared again, “Who are you and what have you done with my father?”

When he gave her a questioning look, she continued, “You’ve never let anyone stay over for Rosh Hashanah. It’s family time.”

Tyrone gasped, bouncing on the toes of his feet, “Does this mean… you consider me family?”

Paige grit her teeth and elbowed her friend, a fruitless attempt to calm him. One of the things that annoyed Jared the most was people who weren’t part of the family trying to insert themselves into their tight-knight dynamic. Sure, it seemed for a while Tyrone was the exception, but it was still thin ice to tread. A reason why was because someone else, someone older, tried doing the same some time back, and ended up uprooting all of their lives once it was revealed they were a no-good scam-artist. And, for irony’s sake, that person ended up being Grace’s current foster father.

Just for some context, Bri is Paige's little sister (So Evan and Jared have two daughters) and Grace is Paige and Tyrone's bully (mostly Paige's). And I was planning on having it be revealed to Paige the first time all of the events of the musical (Connor's death, The Connor Project, Evan's speech, etc.), which was never mentioned to her before because Evan and Jared were too embarrassed by it all. They kind of wanted to sweep it under the rug, which evidently wasn't the best way to handle the situation.

[unsent-unspoken]

To my future daughter/son:

your first heart break would be the worst thing that could possibly happen to you in your young years. i think na hindi kayo aabot sa edad ko na hindi nasasaktan. but, even if you do have your first heart break at the same age that i do, it will suck... a lot. i'm not sure if it's going to make a difference kung nasaktan ako earlier in life, but this is what's going on with me.

i have guarded my heart ever since i can remember. naniwala ako sa sinabi ni daddy nung bata ako na hindi ako magaasawa. baka nga mag-madre pa raw ako. i grew up with women around me from school hanggang sa bahay. mas gusto ng mga lalaki tita dianne niyo — witness ako sa ilang lalaking sumubok na manligaw sa kanya. but that didn't bother me. i've accepted early on na hindi ako magpapamilya at maiinlove. basically, i've always thought na the "love life" aspect ng buhay ko would just never come into fruition. it's simply just not part of the plan. so, i've carefully guarded my heart even hanggang college where there was a change of environment — i was no longer in an all-girls school. i've had crushes, yes, but never someone i saw romantically. at pag may nagsabi sa inyo na "maghintay kayo after college/magka lisensya, maraming pipila/magkakagusto sa inyo", that's not always the case. ibstarted working and, guess what, i was in a workforce dominated by women. pity, i guess, na i'm not romantically attracted to women kasi ang daming magaganda at mababait na babae diyan. but still, love never comes close to me. i would joke around with friends about meeting someone and magka-jowa na or even "sana all" sa mga relationships nila, but i never meant any of it. it was all superficial and just a plain joke. i was contented with just me — walang jowa, not even dating.

if ever i tell you na pinag-pray mo kay lord, maririnig niya, please know na minsan kahit hindi mo ipagdasal, ibibigay niya. towards the end of my stint with my first work, i met someone that changed my life. i met a friend. my safe space 🐳. maybe, by the time you read this or by the time i tell you about this, yung balyena na yan won't hurt as much as it does today. but here goes... i met someone and i couldn't believe it. i was acquainted with this guy a year before i resigned nung kasama siyang nag-pickup sa akin para mag-ayos ng isang work stuff on a weekend. got acquainted with him then tapos we never got to talk after that day. fast forward, six months before ako mag-resign sa work, i met him ulit with our mutual connection and we started talking. i know it's cliché and maybe cringey to say this pero i felt like i knew him before pa. not just mere acquaintances, parang matagal ko na siyang kaibigan. when we started talking, it was hard not to be myself. (note: i wasn't the best when it comes to keeping true to myself agad-agad. it would usually take months for my friends to get to know me – all of me.) with him, i felt this odd sense of familiarity. maybe ganon lang talaga siya as a person — charming and easy to talk to — but i wasn't someone to blurt out and open myself up down to the bones to someone i just met. kahit yung mga tita at tito niyo na mababait matagal akong nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob to show then who i was. with this guy however, it came so easy. again, he feels familiar, like i've known him my entire life. and that's not an exaggeration. i wouldn't believe anyone na magsasabi sa akin ng ganong description before i met him. but, apparently, it was true. you can meet someone and feel like you've known them all your life. meeting him changed my life in a lot of different ways.

i never asked for a love life. as far as i can remember, i never asked for it kay lord kasi wala naman akong pake sa part na yun ng buhay ko. i didn't need it. but there i was, enamored by my new friend and slowly falling. i didn't realized i actually liked him until months after meeting him. he was my calm, my safe space. when i feel like i'm slipping and when i feel like everything is falling apart around me, siya yung naging takbuhan ko. in a matter of a very short time, he became my confidante and someone who knew me best. don't get me wrong, i was still good with my friends and i still get to tell them things. still... he was my safe space. when i ultimately admitted sa sarili ko na i like this new friend of mine, i prayed for it to go away or for him to go away. if it wasn't for me, i don't want it. i like having him as a friend and i didn't want to ruin it dahil lang may gusto ako sa kanya. before everything happened, ang joke pa nga namin is pag nagkagusto ako sa kanya, i'll tell him and then i'll ghost him. i tried to pray it away. it didn't. i tried to cut my responses shorter to create some distance. that didn't pan out so well. i still ended up talking to him and hanging out with him. i was falling... and i didn't mind. ang alam ko lang was that i liked this guy and i wouldn't mind going out with him. it wasn't a crush, that became pretty clear to me.

but everything eventually fell apart -- as always. with my life, things eventually fall apart. it's just how my life is designed. the person i love, after a while, said na we should probably go back to being friends and stop talking to each other. i thought everything was going great until that time. so, we parted ways and i was heartbroken. i lost a friend, my safe space, and the person i love. after around 2 months of not talking to each other, i saw him post a story with his ex -- yung ex niya na niloko siya at sinaktan siya at pinaramdam sa kanya na hindi siya enough. the photo was taken by his ex. naka-lean yung ex niya sa shoulder niya tapos siya may kausap na friends. he wasn't even looking in the photo. after i saw it, i was heartbroken over again. any progress (or what might have felt like progress) was gone. i drank beyond my usual limit the following day -- when no one was there to see me break. sinarili ko yung sakit kasi walang nakakaalam. i told a few people eventually -- two people who knew about us and si tita inah niyo. i wanted them to tell me what to do, how to fix things up. i didn't get any answer.

there is a huge possibility na you wouldn't end up needing this or maybe even reading it. i'm not even sure if i'll have at least one of you. and, honestly, as of writing, i can't whole-heartedly tell you na everything turned out well eventually. the truth is... i'm still not okay. no one teaches you how to deal with your first heartbreak. you definitely won't see it in books, hindi yun tinuturo sa school. no one would even be able to help out. maybe not even me. i'm still broken. the photo was just posted four days ago. i thought writing about it would help me come into terms with it. it hasn't.

this is the pain i would never wish on you. i wish na you fall in love with someone who loves you -- on the first try. i wish na even through your guarded heart, love would seep in and you meet the person you're meant to be with. no pain, no heart breaks.

i thought by writing this, i'll be able to help myself as well to accept the truth and the pain. but right now, all i have is pain. it's apparently possible to feel empty and still be in excruciating pain. so, i don't know how to help you. i'm turning 26 this year and people around me, most of them, fell in love a lot earlier and at a younger age than i did. maybe you will too. apparently, coping with a heartbreak (especially your first one) doesn't come with age. hindi pala ibig sabihin na matanda na akong na-inlove at nasaktan ay kaya ko na kaagad i-handle better yung ganitong sitwasyon -- even if i've repeatedly seen it around me. i'm turning 26 this year and the person i love couldn't, didn't, choose me. i still feel that i'm worthless. hindi kayang i-pursue kasi hindi enough. i feel inadequate. i feel that the whole world, pati si lord, hates me. feeling ko na guinea pig lang ako and that when i start to want something in my life, it's taken away from me -- like he was. when you get your first heartbreak, everyone around you will tell you na enough ka at siya ang mali for not seeing you for who you are. it's hard to believe. every bone in my body tells me that i'm a mistake, a burden. i believe na things would just be better off without me -- parang siya.

i still love him. and i still care about him. and i miss him every single moment that i breathe. it hurts not to be with him. and, yes, nagagalit ako sa kanya kasi i keep asking the question, "bakit siya? bakit yung ex niya kaya niyang piliin at mahalin pagkatapos ng paulit-ulit niyang ginawa sa kanya? bakit hindi na lang ako?" there is this famous line ni liza soberano a few years back where, in the movie, she said, "panget ba ako? kapalit-palit ba ako? (no.) then, why?!" i resonate with it. i know that we were never together but how i felt towards him was, is, real. and people around me, if they knew, would devalue the pain i feel attributing it dahil na-attach ako kahit walang label. don't expect everyone, or maybe even anyone, to understand what you're going through. there are a lot of people in pain but it would always be different. i still keep asking the question 'why' over and over. nagagalit ako sa kanya, nagagalit ako kay lord, at nagagalit ako sa sarili ko. galit ako sa mundo. i don't understand anything and i am in pain.

so... right now, i don't know how to help you. maybe i'll go back to this post in a few years and be able to edit it into something more helpful. all i can say is, right now, my life is shit. i'm going down a dark void in my head where all i want is for my life to end. i greatly welcome the peace of death. i don't know how to deal with a broken heart. uminom na ako, nag-cut na ako -- things i probably wouldn't do before this. nothing works. i hate hearing the cliche statements na sinasabi nila kapag nasasaktan ka (e.g. "everything happens for a reason", "kawalan ka niya", "you're better off without him", etc.). what i want to hear is how to fix it -- right here, right now. where is that miracle move on drug? a machine to make me forget?

i'm turning 26 this year and i'm just as clueless as you are. but i hope na if you ever have your heartbroken, kahit ilang beses pa yan, tell me and we can cry about it together. tell me and we'll go to a rage room. tell me and we can try different things to make you feel better.

i still don't have an answer kung paano ka tutulungan. a broken heart won't be easy to mend -- kahit na pang ilang beses pa yan. wala tayong manual or guide paano maging okay. i still miss him and i still want to be with him. what i would give para kami na lang. but, to close things off, life is shit. and i'm still trying to figure out how to breathe again kahit na ayaw ko na. you're good heart doesn't deserve this type of pain and i hope you never have to go through it. in the end, i would still have chosen a simple life with him. i didn't want a life after him; i wanted a life with him. and it still hurts. it fucking hurts. 🐳💔

[ae-diaries]

Officially Stepping into My New Era today!

Watching Taylor Swift's Eras tour multiple times online got me reflecting on my own life eras – as I too have experienced significant shifts over the past few years. So here's a trip down memory lane. Daming chika nito 🤣

One of my greatest dreams in life is to work as an OFW abroad, especially in Japan. This seed of dream began to take shape in 2013 when it was first planted in my heart by God. But, I knew there's a lot to improve, so for several years I chose to gain experience and dedicate my service in different companies and institutions to develop a well-rounded skill set. Over time, this seed grew within me, making me feel uncomfortable and unsettled.

They say that dreams don't work unless you do. So, in December 2020, I took a leap of faith and applied through my target agency. Upon meeting the qualifications, I made the life-altering decision to step out of my comfort zone and explore further. It was undeniably scary, but I knew that I'd regret it if I didn't give myself this chance. After all, why settle for less if I can be more? 🤭

Unbeknownst to many, the path toward pursuing my dream started with a messy era in 2021. I hit what felt like my own version of rock bottom.

Sh* happened. Quarter-life crisis, heartbreak, burning regrets, and pandemic woes.

Japan closed its borders due to Covid-19, leaving my application status stuck in limbo. I even tested positive for the virus during the surge, subjecting me to social stigma. I lost my balance. I wanted to shrink. Amid all that, a traumatic experience, bigger than these overshadowed all my personal battles.

The first quarter of 2022 was turbulent. My father's life hung in the balance for two agonizing months. I stepped up for my family, acting as my father's quad cane in the hospital, as any good child would. We felt like we were drowning, yet the prayers and support from those around us buoyed us to the surface.

During the season of waiting and setbacks, I felt I wasn't much fruitful. But hey, those moments taught me a big lesson: surrendering everything I couldn't control to God. And guess what happened next? Things started falling into place, leading me straight to better days.

2023. Just like Teytey being named 'Time Person of the Year', I'd say this was my year too! My breakthrough era. A dream that began a decade ago finally became reality— I'm now living and working in Japan beyond my wildest dreams.

Who says achieving this in your thirties isn't possible? I used to be that person tbh.

At my age, I never thought this would still be possible. Parang di ako makapaniwalang mangyayari pa ang lahat ng ito. A few months before my flight, I had this internal battle. I doubted so much if:

"Kaya ko pa ba?''

"Is it worth it?"

''Deserve ko ba talaga ito?"

"Paano kung yung saya ko of all the good things I'm receiving ay may kasunod na namang pagsubok?".

I'm a failure in so many things. Hindi naman ako magaling. Courageous at ambisyosa 😂 lang.

But time and time again, I've seen GOD WORKING IN MY LIFE (during high and lows). It's His grace that brought me here and sustains me.

Connecting the dots, I now understand why certain things were delayed —

To lean on God.

To humble me.

To honor my parents.

To focus on the present.

To spend more time with my niblings.

To further serve my school community.

To complete my thesis and graduate with my MA.

And to prepare me for the next chapter.

Just like plants growing after rain, my willpower has grown too. I've realized that this resilience is the true fruit of my journey.

Behind the scenes, I couldn't do this alone. I owe about 90% of being here to the incredible support from my family, besties, friends, colleagues, students, former teachers & professors, govt. folks, and my agency. 'Grateful' feels like an understatement.

And hey, huge thanks to Past Aemira for trusting the process and God's timing. We fought dragons together! And you never gave up! Proud of you, self!

So, here's to launching Aem(Era) version 3.4 🤣 this year, with a grateful heart.

Whatever 2024 brings, I entrust it all to you, Lord!

Thank you all for your warm greetings!

Feeling overwhelmed that I couldn't help but share my journey to Japan in this short video clip. It's something I'll look back on fondly.

#January2

[cessandee]

What's up?? A lot has happened since then and I'm only gonna talk about the things that are not serious, aka my lovelife. (Next time na yung other part of my life.)

So where do i start? I read all my last entries about him and I say feelings/emotions do change a lot. We've met 2 times already. On a weekday again, him from work and me it's my day off. I actually want to clear my mind from other things that's why I agreed that day. I actually want to eat kfc but then decided that he should be the one again to choose where we will eat. He chose Burger King, for the reaons, 1. I ordered onion rings last time & thought it was like BK's and got disappointed, 2. He believes that burger will make you gain wait haha. and maybe 3. He is naiilang to eat rice with me? HAHAHA.

Okay so dun palang sa BK dami nya ng ekis for me. Ayaw ko na isaisahin pero medyo bawas points sya sa labas namin na yun lol. Tho sya nagbubukas at naglalagay ng ketchup ko?? di ako kinikilig dun sorry hahaha gusto ko lang yung normal gentleman muna tutal we are getting to know each other right? And isa pa sa napansin ko. We are so not alike pagdating sa hobbies, likes, wants hahaha sobrang opposite namin. I feel like we dont have a common denominator eh. Isa din yun sa nagpabawas lalo ng points nya ngayon sakin haha to the point where I ask myself gusto ko ba sya? parang hindi. yikes. Like how can you like a person if you have no any mutual connection to begin with? Tapos lalong nagpainis pa sakin na gusto ko na itigil ko kasi parang nagllokohan nalang is the way sya magapproach sa mga sinasabi ko sa kanyang problems and stuff. Like, be honored that I'm opening up myself to you... tapos ganun lang response mo? Huhu so not giving! Super ekis. HAHAHA. Nacocompare ko tuloy sya kay HC pota hahahahaha he did way better at comforting me kaya nafall ako dun eh. Grabe this is his chance para makuha loob ko pero parang pinpapalayo nya lang lalo. Eto pa sobrang kainis kasi I stayed at the hospital until 4am before going home. I'm so tired from pm shift tas I can't go home until I know that lolo is okay na. I'm agitated, tired, dont know what to do and I didnt get the chance to tell him the whole detail of what happened because he never asks and I feel like he is not interested so why would I bother right? And I said that baka I'm gonna go home around 2-2:30am hoping he would fetch me because he's out with his cousin. He said edi sabay na tayo 2/2:30 bounce na daw sya dun. I was pabebe konti syempre sagot ko sige kung 2:30 ako uuwi which is a yes naman diba. But then he changed his mind saying he cant promise 2:30 daw lol he is the one who said that time kaya so funny feel ko pinigilan sya ng friends nya. Edi i said in a cold tone wag na keri ko naman magisa. Rereply pa sya want nya ko makita tas update nya nlang ako pag pauwe na sya at baka pede pa nya ako MASABAY. Like he really said that?? Baka pwede nya ako masabay? DUDE HUHU. Sobrang not givingggg he got me there. Super NO for me that time hahaha. Like he could just said "sunduin kita" "hatid kita" HAHAHAHHA. Masabay talaga? Like so i know we are just friends pero diba?? You want more something from me or am I just imagining things? HAHAHA i didnt replied to him after that and he updates me pa that they went to eat sa bf! the nerve. Tas pauwe na daw sya sabay ba daw ako tas yung sunod na chat nya na nakauwe sya is clearly he drive home agad and didn't wait for my text for at least 10mins. What if pala nagreply ako ng g sabay ako hahahah babalikan ba ko nun for sure hindi.

Kaya ngayon nag-aaya sya ulit after work na naman nya kasi dayoff ko. I'm not sure parang ayaw ko na muna hahaha. Di kasi ako nadadala sa words nya lang na ang ganda ko LOL aanuhin ko yan. I want effort, I want vinovoice out nya sakin hindi yung hanggang chat lang. Tsaka hayy ewan. Siguro ang gusto ko talaga sa lalake kahit di matalino is mataas naman ang EQ. At kayang kaya maghandle ng emotions ko. Grabe Lord yun pala susunod na ipagppray ko haha a guy who could handle my emotions and moodswings na sobrang patient. Sa ngayon hindi ko nakikita sa kanya yun traits na yan hahaha. If I'm gonna rate him from 1-10 kung gano sya possible maging bf ko ay 4 HAHAHAH sobrang na turnoff talaga ako sorry. Ayaw ko na nga sana replyan eh.

Yun lang hahahaha oh diba sobrang iba feels ko dito di na inlove huhu. Hayy. Everything is gonna be alright. Mag work na muna ko malapit na mag 6 haha.

10-19-2023 04:27 AM

[miss-ing-diary]

October 23, 2022

Diary Entry #15

Monday comes and nothing much happened this day except for when I got to work and went to my usual spot he then took a glimpse of me then turned back to what he is doing which is talking with his seatmate. We had a little meeting and that's it. One more thing, do you remember what I told when I was thrown out from POD to releasing department? Well, I felt it again. I don't know if I'm just being emotional here but I felt unwanted. Ate Rea was supposed to be in my shift and not me and I could see on Cess that she wanted her soo... *faint smile*. Nonetheless, I understand because she was her friend. No hard feelings. I just thought I belonged to the group.

So, move forward. As usual I greeted those people whom I have connection with as I went inside the office. I asked Ate Donna if the admin will give me a pen since mine will be empty soon and I saw him took a glimpse of me and Ate Donna but I just didn't mind it. Next thing was I went to admin and exchange my empty pen with a new one. I felt a little embarrassed because the Head admin was watching the scene I've caused last night. The scene was when I got angry with the trucker who didn't know how to follow instructions. She said “natuwa siya dahil nakita niya akong umimik”. She even said that “galit ako pero nandoon pa rin 'yung lambing sa boses ko” 🫣. When I went out the admins' office I run towards Juls showing my new pen (it was a childish thing to do I know but it is my usual reactions so sorry, okay?). Anyways, he was near Juls that time so he also watching me while I ran towards where they were sitting. After that I sat on his left side since I was doing something there when he said that I was so diligent and then asked me the reason why I didn't want to be in their shift. It was confusing so I wouldn't include that part here. After that he went outside (maybe to get his motorcycle) and I got to work in peace. I greeted Kuya Rocky when I saw him and he said “Hi” back to me. He even imitate what Kuya Rocky said and said hi to me too that's when I've noticed that he came back. After that he offered me the last three of his goods but I refused because I don't eat what he is selling but then he said “Hindi ka kumakain? Pwes ngayon kakain ka”. After that it became messy and that's all I would be sharing here. See you 'til then!

So... Morning came and Ate Ange and yours truly were left out by our shuttle, so we decided to get on the motorbike of our co-worker who was also going home. Well, they agreed, so we just need to borrow a helmet from our other coworkers. Ate Angge found and borrowed one, so I'm the only one who needs to borrow a helmet. I joked about borrowing his helmet, and Ate Angge took notice of it and approached him. She even called him 10 percent. 🫣

Luckily, he let me borrow it and said, “Sana all aangkas.” He even said that his helmet was big and asked if it would fit on my head. He then laughed a little when I asked Ate Angge to slow down while we were walking towards the lockers. After that, when we got the helmets, he said that I should go to work later or he wouldn't be able to go home because I had his helmet. Ahhhh!!!! This is a crazy day!

Ahh... sudden change. One word I felt today. a change in style, a change in perspective, and a change in heart. Yes, my heart and I think this change is good. Well, I think I just misunderstood his kindness for something. That's why these feelings formed, but now... I was enlightened. I felt kind of awkward in the office. Everyone has been noticing the change that I'm making to myself and for that I get teased all the time. They even asked if I already had a boyfriend or if I was in love with someone. I had to admit that it felt good that everyone had noticed it. To be honest, there are three reasons why I started to be cautious about my looks. One is for self love, two is because of Ate April. She always told me whenever she got a chance that she wanted to see some change in me and I knew it was for my own sake too, so... and the last one is for someone, not for 10 percent but for someone. He is so kind, sensible, responsible, and diligent. His smile makes me want to smile too. Tbh, he already got my attention even though I dunno, I just didn't pay any attention to it. I won't give any details about him, so mianhamnida! I don't know what to do. I want him to notice me too, but I don't want him to feel awkward, so I'll just keep my mouth shut and just do my work. Be content with seeing him from a distance.

Overall, my week was peaceful and nice. I hope for it this week too. :)

[astrolaurical]

I would like to tell you my story. No I don't claim to be Namjoon's TF. Please be patient while I tell you my story.

It was not until June 2021 that I came to know about BTS. If it was not for Instagram I still wouldn't have discovered BTS. They are so famous but still I didn't know them until now.

First member I noticed was Tae and then Jungkook. Slowly I started to learn about the names of other members. I love all of them. But with Namjoon there was a magnetic pull. I am older than him by 3 years and happily married also have kids.

It felt strange. I loved my husband but still there was an undeniable attraction to Namjoon. It was like I have known him all my life. I wanted to talk to him so badly. I would write to him and before I know it I would have written a whole essay.

I felt like I was writing to an old friend of mine. There was this undeniable feeling of familiarity. It was not until I saw an old video of him that something clicked for me. Yes I have seen him before. It was the same boy who used to come frequently in my dreams. I would not be sleeping but still had visions of this boy coming and hugging me. I felt a presence of somebody around me. I thought

I was going crazy.

There are some strange things that had happened when I was younger which still today I have no explanation to how it happened. The stranger still used to come in my dreams after my marriage. I used to feel upset that why I was having dream about the same stranger. It was Namjoon, now I know.

When I first came to know about who the stranger was I felt ecstatic. Suddenly I wanted to change my life. I felt creative. I started writing poems. I used to before but this was a habit I had long forgotten. Let me tell you sometimes I feel like my poems and his songs have some similarities. There is some melancholic tone to it. When I first listened to his songs, I felt weird. I felt like I was missing someone. The feelings were so strong that I had to stop listening to his songs.

After a month or so I started feeling sad. There was nothing in my life to be sad of. I felt like there was no way out. I felt alone. I didn't want to talk to nobody. I wanted to be alone. Every day chores became burdensome. I did not want to do anything. I felt terrible. I was grieving for something I didn't know about. I don't know how long it started but slowly having interests in spirituality. Once when meditating I saw a flickering rectangular light on my bed. It came twice and disappeared. I felt calmer.

There was this burning sensation in my chest when I thought of Namjoon. Still at that time I didn't know about TF. I am missing someone I have never even met in real life. I loved him but also I was scared of him. I don't know why.

There is some undeniable connection. I felt peaceful after accepting it. Sometimes when I see him I feel like I am seeing myself. Sometimes it is so embarrassing. When I look at his eyes I feel like I am looking at my own eyes.

I searched my symptoms on Google and by chance came to know about the term twin flame and dark night of the soul. I became interested in spirituality after that dark phase. The synchronicities after that was crazy. I always saw numbers like 1111 222 333 444 almost everyday. Now I am typing it down on my phone. There is a definite pattern to it.

We have similar interests. Reading, nature, arts. I changed due to my friends. When I saw him I felt like I was seeing the old me. Even I can say that we are good at similar subjects. Social studies, English and for him Korean and for me Hindi. I used to score really well for these subjects. I was in the top percentage in my school for those subjects. Somehow I was not that good at math and science. I can do numericals quickly but I always get careless and lose marks. Science too was not my strong point. I am not saying we are very similar there are some differences too. I am an Introvert while he is an Extrovert.

Nature always had a healing effect on me. Once I saw a tree and felt a mothering instinct. Somehow I became aware that I was pregnant. It was still really early like right after my ovulation. But I felt like I was pregnant. I knew that I was going to have a daughter. And sure enough I had a daughter 9 months later. I named her Avni meaning earth in memory of the tree I saw. I am highly intuitive. Sometimes I just know.

In case of Namjoon I am sure there is some connection. If not twinflames then a definite past life connection. We even have moles on face at similar place. If it is on his left side mine is on right side. But it is always the eyes. I feel like I am looking at my own eyes.

Below I will share some of my poems.

SILENT LOSS

There is no heartbeat

They told me

I tried staying strong

But at night

When the lights were down

I fell apart

Every dreams I had

Every cute little names

I called

Suddenly felt hollow

How could I not know

They say it didn't form a baby yet

They say you never birthed it

But not one said it is OK to grieve

So I dismissed my emotions

As a fresh wound

it still remains deep inside

I feel numb

There is no more tears to flow

But life goes on

So I should put on a brave face

And move on

MIS-FIT

I feel like a blacksheep;

I feel like the odd one out.

These plans and structures,

Do not interest me I tell you.

I feel like a plant kept in the shadows; wilting, for there is no water nor sunlight;

The days seem so dull in this cold world.

What I want to be? I ask myself.

Alas! It is too late for that now.

I can see my own tired reflection

In the mirror gazing back at me,

With it's soul-less and tired eyes.

Everyday I force myself;

I force myself to become their 'normal',

But I fall behind.

It will all go astray if you don't apply what you studied, they said.

But my mind does not comply;

It wants to be heard;

It wants to see the world;

It wants to feel both joys and woes;

But it is now full of despair.

Tomorrow seems bleak ;

And yesterday seemed like a lie;

Today is dull as well.

I feel like a lost child in the crowd.

Where is it taking me?

Oh, where is it taking me?

LIFE

My womb has seen a death,

My womb has seen life grow.

My womb has felt the tiny flutters and the painful kicks.

The horrid pain that comes in waves,

I have felt it all.

The pain of stitches after opening my womb

I went through that too.

Oh the feeling of helplessness,

The joy of walking for the first time after that,

I have felt it all.

7 layers they cut to take the baby out.

Sneezing, coughing everything is a nightmare.

Those who know, knows.

Still they say I was weak.

They didn't see what I went through before that;

That it was a life or death for me,

That my body struggled through the pain.

You don't know what I am capable of

The labour pains and post operation pains

I lived through it all

So I know how much I can endure

So I know how strong I am

Below I am sharing his eyes and my eyes. I feel there are some similarities. We are from different countries but still there is some similarity. I don't know what do you think?

[jocolatemousse]

Okay. Throuples.

Let's start with what it is.

A throuple is a relationship between three people who have all unanimously agreed to be in a romantic, loving, relationship together with the consent of all people involved.

Lateef Taylor

So basically, you like two people! And these two people like you back! And they like each other too! So you all decide to be in one relationship. And of course, all three must be aware of the set-up. Walang tinatago, transparent dapat.

(Each green double-sided arrow represents an intimate connection.)

As for why I'm interested in it...

I have to start this by saying I don't actually have any poly experience. So take that into consideration as I talk about my expectations.

I also need you to understand that my expectations are based on the premise of having transparency, good communication, and genuine care for one another's well-being, and of course, no favorites. (I know this premise can be tough, but more on that later.)

First of all, I feel like three is a very stable configuration. If the compatibility is good enough, then each of you might complement the differences of the other two. And, in the extreme, when two of you enter a disagreement that is just too difficult to resolve on your own, at least you have someone who loves the both of you enough to directly comfort, help out, or even mediate, if it comes to that.

Second, there's more support. It's the three of you against the world. All three of you look out for one another. The three of you sharing resources, manpower (think of the load of joint tasks now split among three instead of two!) Just like in conventional couples, there's still a chance that your partner isn't available. But in a throuple, you at least have another person to reach out to.

Third, (but on a related note) the potential for growth is greater. You all really need to learn to be open about your thoughts. Each of you will challenge one another in a different way, and you'll all learn more diverse lessons. And if you guys make it, then your bond will be pretty strong.

Most importantly, there's more ways to express and receive love. You know how people have different love languages. And the diversity in that can lead to various expressions of love among one another. More diverse affection, and also more diverse forms of happiness.

There are plenty of minor reasons too, like...

Two of you think of birthday gifts for your partner!! Weakness ko talaga 'yan, hirap ako mag-isip 'pag mag-isa. 🤣 (Pero kung magka-birthday silang dalawa... GG. Hahahahah)

More shirts and jackets na pwedeng i-arbor!! (at mas marami ring pwedeng ma-arbor na gamit mo HAHA)

Diverse dates! Pwede ring tatlo kayo!!! ☺️

Also, I'd be lying if I said I didn't consider the cuddles and the sex. Kasi you can do it with one partner. Or the other. Or both. 👉👈

There are others pa, but I hope that suffices. Pwede naman kayong mag-PM kung gusto niyo pang pag-usapan. Hahaha.

'Ayun, but of course... trade-offs. The premise is tough. And if the premise fails, every advantage can become a disadvantage. Kampihan. Selos. Twice the fights. Twice the stress. Posible ring twice the heartbreak kung hindi mag-work.

But if it does work... I think that would be quite the experience. And if we find someone open-minded enough, and self-aware enough, then I think it'd be worth a shot. 🥰

[notfeelingthyaster]

Imagine (Son of Hades! Percy; Godswapped! Big Three's kids) Mark of Athena Pt. 2 AU (4/7) or (9/12)

So yeah it got... big. I wasn't expecting it - but sure! Here it comes part 2 of 3 of 5! Check the masterpost before reading - it's essential for the understanding. And read the warnings before proceeding. Enjoy and leave reviews and suggestions :))

Hazel, Leo, Frank, and Perseus go back to the Argo II, to find Piper trying to wrangle the Cornucopia into not just dropping mountains of food.

Perseus tries to help - and between him and Jason, who is the son of a fertility god after all - they manage to get a picnic - which, great because it's already evening and they're all hungry teenagers.

That's when they discover that's Jason's birthday - the 23 of July, coincidentally, Neptunalia - and begin to swarm him. It's shocking that he never had a birthday party - or birthday cake. The Romans don't care about it - their prowess in the training fields is what marks them as children or men.

Perseus - who was kidnapped in mid-November, months after his birthday - is internally shocked - but can do nothing about it.

He doesn't think he could give anything useful to Jason in such short notice - so Perseus promises to, after this all ends, take him to see something new - perhaps Cairo? He is sure Carter would be happy to see him.

Ah, yes. The Kanes - one of his only adventures in between those two big prophecies. He went - with Nico of all people - to help the Egyptian sorcerers - and almost ended up possessed by Sadie's god boyfriend's mother. Overall, a bizarre experience.

And he never wants to share a body with Neftis again. It's weird, it's bizarre, he doesn't like it, he gets body disphoria - no.

Even though the Egyptian Underworld is really cool - there are a lot of snakes down there. And a lot of space - which is weird, because Hades also takes a lot of space. Are these hells in different dimensions?

That's not even counting the time he and Thalia mind-wiped a Titan - with Lethe's water of all things. He left Bob/Iapetus under Persephone's care - and then promptly disappeared. Not literally - Perseus just had no time for the titan, and it's something he regrets deeply.

Maybe after this all ends, he can go visit Bob and the Kanes. Maybe it's time the pantheons are no longer apart.

Perseus knows that all pantheons eventually cross - Isis is as Greek as she is Egyptian - but they don't talk about it. They pretend their Isis and the greek one are different - while the goddess has so many aspects she might as well be a thousand different deities.

Is there a Hindi pantheon? A Polynesian one? Is Amaterasu real? The Orixás? Quetzalcóatl? The Nordics? Are the Celtics aspects of the Norse? What about the Welsh? How many Underworlds exist? If any worshiped god appears - does God with a capital G exists? Perseus is going to find out. But now he has more pressing issues right now.

Leo doesn't want to discuss Nemesis, but, after singing happy birthday to a very embarrassed Jason (who is probably pondering the implications of Perseus' offer - Leo is pretty sure the guy isn't asking his bestie in a date, but who is he to shatter his buddy's delusions?), Perseus corners him.

He doesn't know what to do about the price - he isn't sure of much. Perseus promises that nothing will harm him under his watch. It's weird - Nobody ever cared about Leo before. Perseus hugs him - the first time he starts a hug himself - and Leo feels like, maybe, that's what having a family feels like.

He wonders if Charles Beckendorf was for Perseus what Perseus is trying to be for him - he wonders if Percy is doing this out of guilt. Leo can't complain - the arms feel warm around him.

Percy and he return to the party, to see Piper in a panic. She asked Katoptris for a way to Nico - under Hazel's prompting - and it showed her a vision of Nova Roma organizing the army to invade Camp Half-Blood - Reyna is stalling them, but not for long. She prays for Perseus to come back - she can't do this with no allies.

The reason for it is apparently the abduction and coercion of two of their praetors, their General and a Centurion - enough to start a war. Perseus could shadow travel back - but it would take at least a week to come and go - and they do not have a week. Any Iris Messaging would be useless - they would think he controlled by Piper.

So they go to sleep, hands tied. Doesn't Octavian see they have bigger fish to fry? Lady Terra, Gaea, is out there - planning to destroy everything. He might as well be on league with her.

Perseus sleeps and has another one of his prophetic dreams. It's a giant - one he doesn't recognize - explaining to Ephialtes why do they need Perseus.

Apparently, to wake up Gaea, they need a mortal son of the Earth and a mortal daughter of the Sea. Daughters of the sea are easy to find - all children of Aphrodite are technically from the sea - but children of the Earth can only be children of Hades or Pluto.

And she tried other options - they tried to sacrifice a son of Demeter and a daughter of Venus Victrix - but it wasn't enough. The power in their blood was too diluted, their connection to life only enough to give Gaea this bare level of awareness that she uses to torture them. To wake up completely, she would need Perseus' blood - Perseus' and Piper's - the strongest daughter of Aphrodite alive.

Gaea voice taunts him from somewhere, telling him to not worry - she took the girl who loves him forever, that Annabeth and Malcolm will no longer be a problem.

The vision changes and shows a spiral staircase near the forum, and Perseus can hear their voices screaming - but he knows there's the place they need to go if they want to find Nico. He is not scared - he went through worse. Perseus has no time to dwell in Gaea's taunts - it's probably just her messing with his mind again.

He wakes up and tells his dreams to Jason. They decide they should go - and take Piper and Hazel - the more involved with this side quest of theirs - with them.

Jason goes first - he breathes underwater, and looking at the giant well, Perseus is almost regretting coming. When he comes back, he tells them he had found something, which turns out to be a Nymphaeum.

The nymph Hagno - who Perseus mentally calls old Hag - and others - the nine nymphs that watched over Zeus with Gaea when he was born - appear and flood the chamber with evil water - they say it's payment - the gods' own them. Perseus can see where Zeus' entitlement comes from.

He starts to panic - he shouldn't have come. He hates water - he is going to drown here, under this muddy water that looks way to much like the muskeg for his liking. Hazel is trying to calm him - with no success because she starts panicking too - she is a child of the sky, after all.

The nymphs begin to drain the three of their power, stealing Jason's control over water, Perseus' control over the earth, Hazel's control over electricity, and Piper's beauty in order to be young again.

Perseus is so tired that he keeps paying for the gods' debts, that he keeps giving and repairing their mistakes - that these people keep throwing their grudges unto them. He just wants to let go - die, finally, but they will just throw their problems to new innocent people.

Because Perseus is innocent. They all are - they are children! This can't keep happening, the gods can't keep throwing their shit onto them! And there's no stopping it - he thought last time he solved everything, but alas, he can't solve every little squabble the gods start.

He helped the demigods and minor gods. And then there are nymphs, dryads, satyrs, fauns, centaurs, spirits, personifications, titans, children of titans, primordials, rivers, monsters. An array of immortal beings who would keep on asking, keep on holding eternal grudges that demigods would pay for.

There is no number of wishes that could ever solve this. They would have to reform the whole Olympus - to be the ones making the decisions. To be the ones to stop sending twelve-year-olds in harrowing death missions.

Maybe, this time, Perseus should become a god. Maybe if he is the one judging, he might be able to help. He might be able to stop the gods from doing stupid decisions that only prejudice their kids.

But what if he can't? What if he becomes one of them? Is he prepared to lose everyone he cares about? He was always a loner - but is he able to leave everyone behind? His friends? His mother?

While Perseus wallows in his own panic and misery, Piper comes up with the idea to funnel all their positive thoughts into the Cornucopia, which releases the positive emotions as clean water. It's lucky they have Hazel and Jason - because Perseus is in a very dark place right now.

As the three release almost all their power into the Cornucopia, the nymphs become young again and spare them, as the power they gave them as a gift, and they restore the four back to full strength, as well as telling them the location of Otis and Ephialtes.

Perseus doesn't take this as an apology. He doesn't think it's enough - the nymphs tortured them for their own sake and act as if it's a favor that they restored them - and he has a grudge.

They took from them - and didn't give anything back. A little bit of information and the powers that are already theirs? The hags steal their powers and give them back - and think this is mercy?

Perseus is going to show them what mercy is like. As soon as they are out of the Nymphaeum, the earth trembles - he makes the whole thing collapse into an opening in the earth. He is sending all of them directly to Hades - they took from him and had the gall to tell him to be grateful.

The others in his group look at him worriedly, like he is going to kill them next. Perseus is okay with that - it's not the first time someone hates him because of what he can do. He tells himself it doesn't hurt.

It's a lie.

They go back to the ship. The sun is rising - Hazel gives the others the bare bones of the story, leaving out the part where Perseus freaked out and killed ten nymphs out of rage.

No one asks why they are so tense - why Perseus stormed to the training arena and didn't left since, why Jason doesn't make eye contact with anyone else, why Piper went to her room in silence.

Jason goes to talk with Perseus later - Percy doesn't want to talk. They spar twice before the son of Hades' relents and cries - he didn't want to kill anyone, he just wanted someone to pay.

Jason tells him no one hates him. That those nymphs were monsters - empty platitudes. Perseus says how much he hates drowning - Jason shares how much darkness scares him sometimes.

Piper comes in halfway and lays down on the floor with them, and shares how it's still hard for her to feel like herself - to look at her body and see a girl. How she hopes one day to have the right parts, to be able to wear what she likes and don't feel like a boy.

Leo is the next to wander in - "Are we sharing traumatic life stories?" - and tells them how much he still feels dumb, inferior to those around him - the way his fire always damned him. Frank comes next - him and the peril of ever dying, the crippling anxiety of a piece of wood.

Will is the last to join in. Will tells them about being the responsible one - how it was hard when Lee lost his arm, when Michael died and he was only thirteen.

He tells them how Lee got depression after Michael died and the one-armed boy couldn't help, couldn't save his brother. Will tells them about how he fears for his twelve siblings - how he is the youngest acting counselor because his only older brother doesn't leave his bed anymore.

They just lay there on the floor, together. Until Hazel appears - she had a vision. Nico has no more time. They thought they had some hours more to mindstorm - but alas, it's time.

Not everyone can go - it's a rescue mission, a stealth one at that. And Leo needs time to steer the ship towards the giants. So Perseus, Jason, and Hazel go after her little brother - and Frank, Leo, Piper, and Will will meet them there.

The trio finds the cage - suspended meters over the air. Hazel uses her powers over energy to bring it down - the metal is so overcharged that is simple for her, while Jason battle the two giant eagles with a mini hurricane.

Hazel frees her brother - who is barely breathing - and it seems too easy. The giants appear - and while they cannot kill Perseus, their onslaught against the other two is immediate.

Perseus fights against Ephialtes while Jason battles Otis. Hazel stands guard over her frère's prone body - no one is taking any more family from her.

It's a sight to go down in the myths - Jason is fighting with his sword - Undisonos - against Otis. His chest keeps emitting a sound - the siren song - which keeps distracting the giant, while they strike against one another.

Perseus is not doing worse - stone spikes appear every time Ephialtes tries to stab him - shadows curl around the giant's throat, strangling it.

Ephialtes taunts Perseus - says Annabeth and Malcolm are already lost, already gone. That this is his legacy - causing the death of his friends. It only serves to push him further.

In the midst of the battle, a hydra appears - and Perseus has no qualms in spearing each of its heads with a stone spike, before burning them with hellish fire, draining his powers to kill Ephialtes before the giant destroys him.

Hazel gets caught in the earth trembling - and passes out by Nico, who has no forces to defend her. It's Jason who ends up defending both of them, after a well-localized jab into Otis sternum.

It's not enough - they start to reform immediately, seeing the lack of a god's help. Perseus - who is sustaining himself into the wall and can feel at least four broken ribs and a twisted ankle - rages. He doesn't stop when Dionysus appears.

Dionysus is not Bacchus - he isn't a mindless drunk. But he is a selfish bastard - and says he will only help if they entertain him enough.

Perseus wants to scream, didn't they entertain the gods enough?! Didn't he die enough for them, for their cushioned, easy lives?! Didn't he do enough?! He lost all his teenage years - his whole life - to keep their asses safe, from Hyperion, Kronos, mythical monsters, his own friends.

Jason and Perseus agree to fight together this time and charge the two - both of them at the same time, both equally about to drop down - but rage fuel both of them.

Perseus is drawing strength from the earth below - the same earth that reforms the giants again and again - while Jason pulls force from the river behind them.

Jason blasts the giants with a wave that can only be compared to a small tsunami causing the fake mountain the two were holding to fall on Ephialtes.

Otis charges the two and Perseus trembles the earth, throwing him into the lake, and the two slash at him - Perseus with his ax, Jason with his sword. Jason then uses the water to keep the dust from reforming.

It's like fighting with an extension of themselves - where Perseus fails to block, Jason appears - when Jason misses a step, Perseus is there to cover him. The earth starts to shake - stronger this time - and they know they are doing this together.

Ephialtes then escapes from the fake mountain and charges the two, but they are keeping up. It's difficult, however - Perseus is drained to the point of exhaustion, and Jason is only going because of the water behind him.

A misstep and Ephialtes almost takes Jason's head off. Perseus is only safe because Gaea needs him - for her sacrifice, for her everything.

But the Argo II appears overhead and blasts the giant with Greek Fire from the cannons. Leo is whooping from the balustrade with sunglasses perched at his nose - Perseus can faintly hear "Fireworks" from Katy Perry blasting from inside the ship, and wonders if he has already lost any of his remaining sanity.

Dionysus considers that the show was entertaining enough, and finishes both giants with his Thyrsus, claiming the victory to himself. Perseus resists the urge to punch him - he is getting way better at this.

Before he leaves, he confirms Ephialtes words - Annabeth and Malcolm will be lost to the weaver - and tells them where to find them.

Back on board, Nico - under the care of Will, who can barely touch the over-energized guy - tells them he was captured by the twin giants as he looked for the Doors of Death.

He tells them he never found the other side - for he could not go into Tartarus - but the earthly side - close to where he was captured - was in the House of Hades - heavily protected by monsters.

Perseus thinks that only he will be able to go into Tartarus - they have to close the Doors both ways, after all. But there's no returning - and no way for him to survive down there.

Will this be his legacy? Dying in an Underworld wasteland, alone? Nico looks at him and must catch what he is thinking, because when everybody leaves the infirmary, Nico holds his wrist.

"Don't do it, Percy-..." He coughs "Please don't do anything stupid. I can't lose you."

"How could I?" Perseus answers "You carrying all the stupid with you. How could you think it was okay to just-..."

"Promise me, Percy" Nico interrupts, as seriously as he can. "I know I did a lot, and you probably hate me..."

"I don't hate you, Di Angelo" Perseus sighs. "I promise you - you'll never lose me okay? I didn't come all this way to save your ass for nothing."

And he leaves, still uncertain. Is it worth it? Could they find a better way? Or does he need to die - over and over again? Were the Fates mad the first prophecy didn't take him?

Annabeth tricks Arachne - and is tricked back by her own hubris against her brother, who keeps telling her to shut up, taunting the already defeated monster - who ends up opening the hole into Tartarus.

They blast a hole into a parking lot - just in time to rescue the children of Athena, who partially already rescued themselves.

"Hey, Wise Girl"

"Hey, Corpse Breath"

Everyone works together to load the statue into the ship. This time, there's two children of Athena. This time, there are ten people in the ship. This time, Nico has never walked into Tartarus.

But in somethings, history never changes: Arachne attaches a thread to Annabeth's weak leg. She tries to bring the child of Athena to the pit with her. But Perseus - who is just behind her - is quicker.

Perseus uses the shadows - with the last of his reserves - to pull Annabeth back, cutting the thread linking her to the pit with his ax. Annabeth is safe - one of her hands holds to the ladder.

But Perseus is not.

He flickers - like a ghost. These were the last of his energies, and he topples backward, into the Pit. A hand holds on to him - Nico. He tries to fly them out - but he is still too weak.

It's time.

"It was always supposed to be that way, wasn't it?"

Nico holds on in despair - he can feel hands holding his calves, trying to push them back - But Perseus is muscular and tall, and there's no one to help.

"No, no, Percy, don't you dare to let go, don't you dare!"

It was always his destiny - the one who sacrifices himself for everyone else. Nico thinks that, if Perseus doesn't ask for his own peace this time, he might ask on his behalf.

"Someone needs to close it from the other side. I am the only one who can."

There's a smile upon his lips - resigned to his fate. There are tears on Nico's eyes. The hand slips.

"You promised!"

He can hear Annabeth screaming, trying to get to them. The floor is too slippery. Nico feels Perseus slipping - the boy flickers again, like a ghost.

"Di Angelo, please"

A figurine of Zeus. A pavilion full of spartoi. Grover telling him stories. A white cell in Olympus. Green eyes flashing black. An invincible demigod against a thousand monsters.

"No, no, I won't fail you, not again!"

A greek with no memories in a toga, a fist punching his face, the warmth of a hug, walking through ruins, his capture.

"Nico, let me go."

Nico's mistakes pilling up, adoration swelling in his chest like a thousand suns. Maybe that's what love feels like.

"No!"

The hand keeps slipping, the Pit pulling him in, and Perseus flickers again - his hand can barely hold on to his ax.

"I see you on the other side"

He falls.

Alone.

Silence. There's a scream caught on Nico's throat - he won't be able to recall the next minutes. Somehow he takes Annabeth back to the ship. He doesn't remember climbing the ladder.

He thinks he wants to jump after him - but restrains himself - it was not the time to play the martyr.

They ask about Perseus, but neither of them can speak - their voices are gone. The parking lot collapse.

Jason keeps asking - if Perseus has shadow travelled, if he called for Blackjack, if he got lost.

"He is gone"

Nico finally answers, because he can't take the questions anymore. They don't understand.

"Gone? Gone where?" Asks Leo, still confused.

"He fell" It's Annabeth, in shock, who replies "He... He fell in the Pit. To save me. Percy fell. He... he's gone. He is in the Pit. Oh, oh my gods Percy is in Tartarus. It's all my fault I can't - I can't, he is gone, gone!"

She starts crying copiously. Malcolm holds her - he is the only one able to do so. Jason falls onto his knees, lost to the world. Piper sits beside him in shock. Will goes overboard and vomits - he looks like he is about to pass out.

Frank supports Hazel as the girl starts crying, trying to breathe and finding no air. Leo sits - there's tears in his eyes, but a determined look in his face. He looks at Nico, as if prompting him.

"He asked us to meet him on the other side." It's everything he needs to say. No one stops crying - but everyone is startled into motion.

"Festus, raise the sails. We've got a brother to save."

They are going to the House of Hades.

[dian-dreams]

I've been asking myself more and more these days if the language barrier is a real thing in music. I keep wondering, is it true that you could never fully connect to art if it's in a language you can't speak?

It isn't like with visual media, where everyone's supposed to have all these different interpretations. everyone sees the same thing, you just have to hope the subtitles aren't shitty. artists making visual media will deal with the occasional asshole saying they don't want to read subtitles but for the most part, most people will manage to find beauty in films, videos, and paintings no matter where the artist is from. it seems that things are different when it comes to music and i wonder why.

my whole life, I've been singing and dancing to songs in languages i can't speak a word of. a lot of my favorite songs and albums are in languages i barely understand, i couldn't even have a conversation in them. but it's never changed the fact that these songs could move me, they'd make me smile and cry and fill me with strong emotions for people that I'd never met. my parents managed to learn english just by listening to Michael Jackson, Destiny's Child, and Mary Mary on repeat for about 3 years. they'd be listening to all these popular american songs on the radio, not understanding a single word of it, but still dance along and belt out every word as if they did. my mother's even told me about the days everyone in the neighborhood would huddle up by their little TVs and watch american films - they didn't know what was going on, even nowadays we'd be watching something and they still don't get it, even though they've been speaking it for over a decade now. but they still find fascination in "good" art. art that makes you feel something.

i don't speak creole, japanese, spanish, korean, hindi, or zulu but a handful of my favorite songs are in those languages. if you could see me singing along to tricot you'd think i was fluent in japanese. it's always been like that where i grew up, from all the weddings I'd be forced to go to, to all that songs I'd stumble upon on youtube, i always managed to find something beautiful. I've cried myself to sleep listening to things i didn't understand in a typical way. i think music makes you feel things because it has no language barrier. it transcends language.

it'll never stop being surprising to me that the west, usually the us, doesn't seem fond of most languages. i always thought that music was the one thing that would make everyone forget that some of us looked different, or came from different places. i thought music for everyone else was what i saw when everyone was dancing to oliver ngoma at a wedding even though none of us were from gabon. i thought music was just shared emotions. languages are just sounds. mere sounds. there are so many emotions that don't have words attached to them and yet we still treat it like it's everything.

i know it's something a lot of other africans can relate to. as well as latin americans and people from the caribbean and some europeans (mostly french people). but i wish everyone on the planet felt this way. i mean its great to find out a song is about something close to your heart, and it always sucks to find out this one musician you really like has been singing songs about praising fascists and dictators. but those kinds of things exist even if its a song of your mother tongue. i wish i never had to hear "you listen to xyz? you don't even understand what they're saying!" ever again. i wish we didn't shun certain artists because we don't want to do the work of asking what lyrics mean. you'd think more people would take advantage of the technology we have now. you'd think we'd appreciate the people who dedicate so much time and energy and effort to help us understand things a lot better. but nooo you'd rather miss out on something amazing.

music will always be more than just words to me. i wish more people felt that way. i also wish i was alive to enjoy zouk machine more

[hiten-chettair]

ICARUS  ______________________________  SELFPARA

6th of May 2018

(trigger warnings: violence, death mention, transphobia)

Hiten’s interest in Hinduism had started on a random day, thinking about their father, about what little they could still remember of him. Dark eyes, dark hair, a radiant smile, and the stories. The stories were what still haunted them, even though they could only remember small imaginative images, little extracts of a complete saga. When they closed their eyes they could envision a lady with blue skin, or a man with blue skin and swords. They could see a man with the head of an Elephant, and a man with two women looking like they had just descended from the sky. It was vague, all of it was vague, and in that moment they wanted to be able to remember everything. 

It wasn’t hard to find information on Hinduism, the first time Hiten had pretended it was an assignment for school. Their step-father checked the browser history and found the many websites that Hiten had opened over the course of the week, and raised an eyebrow. The second time they had focussed their attention on books in the library, even if those were few and far between. The third time Hiten had promised to fix someone’s car in exchange for using their computer for research. The more content they consumed, the clearer it became to them. 

They found believing in Brahman was easy, it was a concept that spoke to them on a level that nothing else had spoken to them before. They knew they had been keeping up with their Dharma in a terrible way. They were not a good son, not a good student, only a good singer on occasion. However, they did believe that Moksha was something that they could obtain if they changed their behaviour. Rituals were not a part of it, but they gave them a sense of contentment, a sense of belonging.

Puja was something they tried to do on a daily basis, it helped them focus, feel closer to their father and at the same time believe that a better life was possible for them. God understood, they knew that. But it had to be done when their parents weren’t home, it had to be done when they were certain they had the place to themselves. They left later for work, the afternoon and early evening shift gave them more time at home. 

They had hidden a few things in their room that they would get out every time it was time for Puja. Their step-father had gotten rid of all the things that had once belonged to their father, so they needed to create something new. 

They closed the door to their room and sat down in front of their bed-side table, where everything was carefully arranged. They closed their eyes, hummed lowly, repeated a few words in Hindi that they could remember, mashed them with an English translation they had found somewhere. It was a mess, but they didn’t think the words mattered much, it was their soul that spoke after all.

They had settled into a trance, not hearing the door open downstairs, not hearing the footsteps on the stairs, only hearing the presence of another human being when their door was opened. 

Hiten turned quickly, only to see their mother watch them in horror. She understood of course, she only needed a single glance to make the connection. It had been her religion too once. Horror made way for rage. “How dare you!” she snapped, her Hindi accent had never left her voice, but it was clearer when she was angry. 

“Mum,” Hiten replied quickly, pushing themselves from the floor and heading for the door. But she pulled it close before they could reach it. They banged on the door, and heard the key being turned. Their heart sank. 

“Mum, let me out, please, I can explain!” They pounded on the wood. But they heard nothing on the other side. She had moved away from their door, but they didn’t know where in the house she was now. 

Panic grabbed them. They wanted to make for the window. Jump out of it, run for freedom. But that would not solve the problem. They hurried to hide their things again, and could feel their heart thumping in their chest with every single step. Their hands were shaking and their eyes felt wet. 

This was not how it was supposed to go. All their life they had tried to gain their freedom. Some part of them had enjoyed starting a ruckus and never getting caught, another part had known that one day it would all come falling down, and their step-father would turn on them, but it would be something they could still mend. It would be something dumb and while they would shun them, they would also be able to see if Hiten did better. They lived with that idea. 

This wasn’t that. 

Starting fights, stealing, cheating, and pranking people was not the same as this. This would have different consequences. 

They were sitting on their bed, body shaking as they anticipated the consequences, when they heard the door open downstairs. 

“Where is he!?” 

Their stepfather bounded up the stairs, and as the sound of the key spoke through the lock, Hiten stood. They thought they were strong enough to face their stepfather, but one look at his rage, and they felt all their resolve falter. 

“I can explain,” they started, but the man had edged closer and with one push Hiten lost their balance and fell to the floor. 

“What are you thinking?!” he said, bending to grab Hiten by their shirt, pushing them further into the floor.

They saw their mother watching from the opening in the door, her face passive. They couldn’t remember the last time they had ever seen her express any kind of emotion outside of Church. 

“We’re going to the pastor, and you’re going to denounce your heathen faith!” He picked them up from the ground, and dragged them out of the room. “Get into the car,” he said, his voice dangerous. 

“I can explain, in Hindu-” 

The fist connected with their stomach and Hiten went down. They started coughing and put both arms around their belly. 

“Don’t you dare. Your mother warned me, she warned me that you might try to convert back to your father’s faith. I told her that we raised a good Christian boy, now look at you, I should’ve listened to her. Now, GET INTO THE CAR!”

Hiten didn’t try again, they stood wobbly, and made their way down the stairs towards the car, still clutching their stomach. It was parked in the drive, the front door still open. They sat down in the back, feeling terrified and weak. 

About ten minutes later their mother and step-father came out, they didn’t look at them, just sat down in the car. Their father drove them to the Church, pulled Hiten out as if they were some criminal and not the child he had raised for the past seventeen years. 

“You’re going to renounce your faith in front of the pastor, you understand?” their stepfather told them, the edge had not left his voice, it was even more dangerous right now, as if every moment he needed to spend in Hiten’s company was a personal offence. 

Hiten did not denounce their faith. They could believe in Hinduism and Christianity at the same time, they could believe in God and believe in Brahman, but they could not pretend that they didn’t, they were sick of pretending. 

Their stepfather dragged them into the church, and had to drag them out again, one firm hand on the hem of their shirt. Their mother walked behind them as if she was about to attend a funeral. They had been pushed back into the car, and watched as their mother and stepfather discussed the matter. They didn't’ fight, of course they didn’t, the two parents agreed upon it without needing many words. They got back into the car and drove home.

Hiten listened nauseated to the car engine as it was shut down. Their house suddenly didn’t look so welcoming anymore. 

Their stepfather got out of the car first, and opened the door for Hiten, he looked in, his eyes filled with fire. “I want you gone before I get back from work. I don’t care what you do, everything you leave behind in that room goes to the trash. Don’t you dare try to speak to me or your mother again. I will not have a filthy heathen as a son.” 

There was no reason for them to fight back, they knew they had wanted this, they knew that there was no other way out of their situation now. They did not wish to lie for their parents’ sake. They got out and walked back into the house, nobody followed them. They packed their things in garbage bags. Three were easily filled with everything they owned, a backpack managed to envelop their essentials. They retrieved the things they used for Puja, and stared at the little postcard of Shiva, wondering if not being a son anymore would mean they no longer needed to follow that for their Dharma, maybe obtaining Moksha was easier now? 

They were gone far before their stepfather returned, threw everything that was theirs into their car, and contented themselves to living there for a little while, until they could find somewhere else to live. 

Their parents would return home to the following message written in huge red letters on their former door. 

OH, AND I IDENTIFY AS NON-BINARY! ALSO I WOULD LOVE TO KISS A MAN!!! HOW IS THAT FOR A GOOD CHRISTIAN BOY?!

[lovingbjorn]

Ninety days. It is Bjorn's 90th day today and my body seem to have an internal alarm. Right after midnight, I started crying for no reason. I thought about Bjorn and checked the date. 90 days since I lost my son. A huge wave of grief just hit me. So today, I write to honor him by honoring those I am most grateful for.

Today I honor those who held my hand. Those who are not related to us by blood but have become family. And I honor those who gave me a reason to get up everyday and function. These people have stayed with me in my dark place and waited for me to come out and see the light again.

So in no particular order here they are.

Doogie, my bestfriend in HS. The first to come for me. The one who saw me first after that miscarriage. And the first in a lot of things in my life. Thank you for the beautiful words, for the sage, for showing me how to honor my son, for loving me when I truly felt unworthy and unlovable. For holding me when I felt like I am breaking apart. I cry until now when I think about that moment you walked into the hospital room. I thought, it has started. People seeing me at my lowest, at my most broken, it has become real... losing Bjorn. That you were there to mourn with me. And I could not have survived it if it was anyone else. I am glad it was you who came to me first. I am happy it was you who showed up and shared that first few quiet moments after that loss. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Darlene and Kento. Both have worked for me since Arkitekto Kolab days and they have been my biggest supporters in EVERYTHING. They have seen me fail and get back up, lose both my parents, and now Bjorn too. Darlene cries whenever I cried and of all my work babies I think it is she who has cried with me the most. Kento, whom I have loved too as my own, spends most of his time comforting me and Darlene. A true gentleman and friend. They were one of the few who I thought to call first when I lost Bjorn. And I did. Thank you Dardar and Kento for everything you have done for me and more.

Monique took care of me when I was hurting, she would show up during the oddest hours just so she can sit with me. And she has been my comfort blanket through all of this. Crying too when I cry, happy when she sees me happy. This girl has a good heart and I would want to see her truly happy because she deserves it so much. Thank you for being with me and sitting with me in the hospital, visiting Bjorn, or just trying to stay alive. I am truly blessed to have you in my life, Niq.

Jam who is on top of my list is not in the photos (for some reason, I don't have a photo of her). She is a steady and true friend. She has her own struggles with friendships but she did not let that stop her from giving and being a true friend to me. Jam, you have no idea how lucky people are to have you. And I am blessed too because you chose to stick around in my life. You came back for me and picked me up when I couldn't. You sat with me and ate peanuts with me in the hospital because it was the only human thing I can think of doing at that time. Yet, no matter how painful it was to hear me talk or see me in my darkness, you sat right there and chose to be with me.

Myk, you moron, leaving me! What am I going to do without you? Well, for a year at least. I tried my best to hide from you after the miscarriage because I thought I have told you sad stories enough. But you came with your love anyway. Accepting all my decisions, processing with me (even if I felt I did not need it), and loving me all the same even if I was being stubborn. I love you, you know that right? I am glad I have you. Please come back soon because who else would rescue me if I get stuck somewhere?

Diane (and Aiys - who is not in the photos) - my favorite brats in the whole world! Our friendship does not need to always have presence. I honestly thought I have lost you guys, but you reached out and I felt so relieved. I have lost friends along with losing my parents and Bjorn. Maybe because I secluded myself so much, maybe because it felt like I can't love anymore, or maybe because I did not want to lose anyone anymore. But in true brat fashion, you guys just snapped yourselves back in and I am all the better for it. I love you guys, immensely.

This kid volunteered to be my son. Roj. And my coach said Roj is in Bjorn's name inverted. And the more I think about it, the more I am glad I found my son in him. Roj is not a replacement, although admittedly, it was easy to see him as so. A few weeks after the miscarriage he came to me and said: "Can you be my mommy?" And boy did I cry. I agreed, of course. Who wouldn't? You see, this boy came out as bisexual during our LEAP journey and I over the weeks I found him to be a true gentleman, a hardworking kid, and a really good friend to all. I felt honored he even asked me to be his mommy. Moreover, I thought, if Bjorn came to be, I would want him to grow up and be like this boy. Thank you Rorow for calling me your mom. I needed that, it did help me get up. I had someone who was counting on me to get up and make something of myself. But more than being a son, you have been a great addition to my family. I can't wait for King and your sisters to finally meet you.

Vince and AJ. The brother and the Kuya. Vince started my LEAP journey with me and I will forever be grateful because if I wasn't LEAPing, I would have done horrible things to myself during the miscarriage. He brought me to people who saw the best in me in my worst. AJ has been with me since day 1 of grieving, he saw how broken I was even before I did and volunteered to sit with me through it all. These 2 are my most constant cheerleaders. Always rooting for me no matter what. Thank you guys, I never had kuyas but you two have been more than that to me. You guys saved me from myself. For that, I am eternally grateful.

Lionheart, Kelly, Pau, Mommy J, Lawrence the fallout (haha), Buddy Beng, and of course, my Coach, whom I love very dearly. Where do I even start? Shale, you are one hell of a woman. I don't know how you carried all of us to the finish line but you did. I love you guys with all of my heart. Thank you for loving the good, the bad, and the ugly in me.

My other Undaunted constants: Rai, Tim, Jeca, Ken, and Mau. Solid support. Grabe. Ang iyak ko parang hindi na maubos-ubos. And here I am speaking tagalog because of you lot. How do I even begin to thank each one of you? We had our crazy nights, and on my loneliest, andyan pa rin kayo. Mau, of course, is in this list because he is awesome. I am here for you guys, no matter what. In the very short time we have known each other, we have been in our most vulnerable, so bawal na unfriend sa atin. We know our worst secrets already! Hahaha

SPAM. I will never forget how you all gathered to just sit and have a drink with me. You all shared painful memories of your past when I clammed up and refused to talk for fear of ugly-crying in front all of you. But you talked anyway. It took all of my strength not to cry that night. So much so that I just burst into tears the moment I got home. I have never truly told you guys personally how I appreciate every single one of you. And I promise to take care of this friendship. I love you guys immensely. Hard to believe, but I really do. What started out as professional connection has become a full-blown friendship that I cannot undo and I refuse to undo. You guys are all blessings to me. I would have stopped being an architect, it is easy to just give up, but you guys are such a great support group, I don't know what I would do without you lot. Thank you, SPAM. I will always always always be grateful for you guys.

Chess and Kevin. My dynamic duo. Thank you for visiting me at home and allowing me to pour my heart out. Shen and Audie were there two. My A+KO babies just barged right back into my life unannounced when I was going through the toughest time in my life. I thought I didn't need it, but I am thankful now that you did. It reminds me to keep on doing good no matter how much I get hurt. Good intentions always sparks another. And I am glad I sparked something in you guys. When I needed to be reminded, you guys came at the right time.

Buck (who isn't in the photo), thank you for allowing me to grieve and go on my own. I owe you a lot. You will always be a brother to me.

And the other people in my life I failed to mention or post photo of bec of the 10-photo limit: Ate Jaqi, Doj, Shailoe, Jimbo, Jorge, Steffi, Karen, John, Miljo, Aya, Sheila, DJ, Yssa, Arvin, Yen, Kooks, & the arki thesis kids Jaje, Joseph, Apollo, Karl, & Alexa. THANK YOU. The old constant friend, the unexpected friend, the coaches, the work kids, the extended work kids, the mentees, the young architect hopefuls who seem to put so much hope in me... You guys have given me little sparks of hope everyday, giving me purpose to get up, reminding me of my good, helping me accept my not-so-good, and believing that I can be bigger than myself.

Thank you for sharing my grief and my sorrow. I am rebuilding myself everyday, and doing that has been made a little bit easier because you all exist in my life.