#but I remember my last Mass Effect run where I *tried* to romance Kaidan

[rawliverandcigarettes]

Reading about a cool post about romancing a more diverse set of aliens in the next Mass Effect (yes please), I'm realizing I'd really want more focus on different ways to get close to NPCs that don't necesserily involve smooches or sex scenes. I know that would explode the budget, but... I don't know, I see room for a relationship system that does not 100% rely on the "is romanced" boolean, where cutscenes/missions activate or do not activate depending on the specifics of the relationship you're developing with a given character (with a tag system for example).

That way, there is a conversation where you pour your heart out with a given character that is available whether or not you romance them, but that you *could* miss out on if you decide to romance them but put the focus on the more competitive aspect of your relationship instead of the vulnerability. A sort of web of possible situations that would tailor more closely to who you are as a PC and how you want to engage with the world without betraying the NPC.

That would imply uhhhh budget, and a very strong relationship design system (let me design it bioware wait actually don't I could not handle working on mass effect emotionally I think). But. Would be cool, and would allow me to RP aroace characters without feeling completely alone and adrift in the uncaring void of space. :3

[concussed-to-pieces]

Wishful Thinking

Fandom: Mass Effect

Pairing: (Referenced) Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard

Rating: Holy shit tame.

AN: Happy N7 Day, everyone! Starring the scene in ME2 that murdered anyone who romanced Alenko! Audio for 'About Horizon' can be found here. Enjoy!

The dream started the same every time. The only thing that changed was how he reacted to her.

He was screaming at her from across the Collector-strewn battlefield almost before he knew his body could move again. His biotics sang and raced over his skin with barely restrained power.

“Shepard!” His voice cracked but her head still turned. Those eyes...it was her. Back from the dead, scar-less, 'a china-doll shadow' was what Anderson had said. And no slight amount of anger in his words, at that. Cerberus had done more than overstep the bounds when they dragged Commander Shepard from the grave.

All that faded from Kaidan's mind as her eyes met his and widened gratifyingly. “Come here!” He yelled.

Tears started pouring down her cheeks, making Kaidan grit his teeth against the residual paralysis and begin to limp his way across the field. He tripped on some loose debris, cursing as he almost lost his footing. Shepard seemed to come alive at that, bolting for him and leaving her gun behind. “Kaidan!”

He caught her in his arms as she attempted to slide a hand to his shoulder to help him walk. “I know I'm being awful forward, Shepard. Forgive me later.” He choked out. Shepard nodded into his chest, biting her lip and allowing him to hold her. Her whole body shook with suppressed sobs. “Shhh, Shep. I can't even believe you're here. Let me have a few seconds with you before I wake up.” Kaidan whispered soothingly into her hair. “Just a few. I'll let you go soon.”

“Don't you d-d-dare Alenk-ko.” Shepard hiccupped, glaring up at him. Kaidan's heart clenched painfully. He had missed that face so much.

He ran his finger across the bridge of her nose, smooth skin where there had once been a pink scar. She flushed at the familiar motion and he cupped her cheek to make her look at him. “I know. And I don't care.” Kaidan murmured.

This is what I should have done.

Shepard's eyes filled with tears again and she clenched her jaw bravely. Her lower lip trembled when Kaidan bent slightly, searching her eyes with his own. “Shep...I uh...”

You died. And yet I still got you back.

It was Shepard's turn to hush him, her eyes full of understanding. “It's alright Kaidan. I've missed you so much.”

“So damn much.” Kaidan echoed, pressing his lips to hers. He hoped she would close her eyes, so she wouldn't see him crying.

“Kaidan...” She breathed when they parted, the sound of her voice sending his biotics into a frenzy like it used to before…before everything.

Kaidan couldn’t even find the words, couldn’t get them out past the lump of survivor’s guilt in his throat, and the dream Shepard faded away. He was alone in his bunk, the blanket pulled up to his shoulders with his single pillow tucked into his chest in an attempt to mimic the feeling of the Commander’s body against his own.

Jerky flashes of Shepard’s last moments had followed him for the past two years. The way her body had plummeted to the planet far, far below, his frantic screaming reverberating in the escape pod as he watched her fall, watched her burn up and die.

Later, he had taken a grim solace in the fact that she was definitely dead of asphyxiation before she hit the atmosphere. In the moment, though, Kaidan had nearly lost every hard-earned ounce of his control, nearly ripped the pod apart with his biotics.

He vaguely recalled being brought to a Med bay somewhere, his migraine at an intolerable level and the bright lights making him even more nauseous while someone slathered the back of his neck with medigel because he’d burned himself out, of course he had. Damn L2 implants, always failing at the worst times. Chakwas, God bless her, she’d put a towel over his head to block out the light and give him some privacy to sob and dry heave like a good Alliance marine.

Shepard. The Commander had been the axis which his world rotated on. Losing her had thrown Kaidan into a nightmarish new world, one where people didn’t seem to be able to stop talking about ‘honoring her memory’ and ‘it’s what she would have wanted’.

It rang hollow. It always did.

The Council still didn’t seem to understand that the Reapers were coming. Sovereign hadn’t been a Geth dreadnought or whatever crap they were calling it this week. Whole colonies were vanishing and the Council continued to twiddle their appendages over it. Some days Kaidan wanted to take every member of the Council by the shoulders and shake them back and forth while shouting why won’t you do something?! How many more humans need to die before you’ll do something?!

And then the rumors had started circulating. About Shepard, and Cerberus. About Shepard working for Cerberus. Kaidan didn’t believe it for the longest time. Even after Anderson had basically confirmed that the intel was legitimate by refusing to speak any further on it, Kaidan couldn’t wrap his head around it.

The attack on Horizon had assisted in his comprehension. Because it was Shepard, it was Shepard. Paler than he remembered, a little thinner. Dark circles under haunted eyes and missing her scar. Like an idiot (as usual), Kaidan had reacted before he thought. He’d hugged her, and then pushed her away. So different from his dreams, where he held her and kissed her and just let his heart rest easy for a few minutes.

“You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me!” He hadn’t meant to sound so infuriated. He was hurt, of course he was hurt, he had loved her. A part of him still did. A part of him that might be all of him.

“Kaidan, you know me.” She had pleaded with him and he’d looked away, unable to meet her eyes. “You know I’d only do this for the right reason.”

“I know where my loyalties lie, Shepard.”

Didn’t that just sit bitter in his throat. Loyalty and duty and honor, always the good soldier Alenko. He knew where his loyalties laid.

With Shepard.

With the Alliance.

Shepard, his heart begged while his mind shouted Alliance! She was still doing good. Still working to stop the Collectors. Why the hell did he have to act like working with Cerberus was the ultimate betrayal? If he was being honest, the reason why he’d been so upset was because she hadn’t contacted him. Christ, it was selfish but anything.

Kaidan rubbed his eyes and rolled over onto his stomach, resting his head on his arm. The datapad beside him lit up when he pulled it closer, one eye shut as he began typing.

Shepard,

I’m sorry for what I said back on Horizon…

…

The message sat in his outbound box for months, a little empty circle next to it to indicate that it was unread. He tried to forget about it. Sometimes he went a few days without checking. Kaidan was unsure if the address he’d sent it to was even functional anymore, but he had to at least try to apologize.

Not only because he’d loved her once (still loved her), but because he was wrong to accuse her if he didn’t know the whole story. She had brought up a valid point. The Shepard he had known (and loved) would never sign on with a group like Cerberus unless she wholeheartedly believed there was a good reason to. He would just have to trust her judgement on this one.

And then one night, the circle was filled in.

Kaidan stayed up later than he intended to (cycling the inbox over and over), woke up with bare minutes to prepare for his shift the next morning. Stumbling through the day in a bleary-eyed daze, he missed the ping! on his Omni-tool.

So as he bedded down for the evening, the new message from that familiar address came as a definite shock. He sat bolt upright, then hunched over the datapad and hungrily absorbed the words in front of him.

Kaidan,

Didn’t want to risk incriminating you while still on Cerberus’ payroll. Also didn’t have the guts to tell you. But we’re going through the Omega-4 relay in a little under an hour and I don’t know if I’m coming back from this one. This is selfish and stupid of me, I’m sorry. I know that if I don’t come back, this will only make things harder for you as far as moving on goes.

The Omega-4? Kaidan’s stomach lurched. The Illusive Man was firing her and her crew off into deep space, Jesus Christ. A suicide mission.

I love you so much, Kaidan. Your heart, your dedication to the Alliance, the way you were always my voice of reason. I’m so sorry that our time together was cut short. If I still have a chance with you, if I come back, I’d love to take you out for a night on the Citadel. Just you and me, drinks and my goofy dancing.

If I don’t though, if I don’t come back or if my luck and the Illusive Bastard’s patience runs out, I need you to promise me that you’ll find someone else. Kaidan I don’t want you to hurt. I want you to be free and whole, not tethered to some old ghosts of a Commander.

Tears welled up in his eyes and the words in front of him blurred together into an unreadable mess. Kaidan tried to steady himself, tried to get a grip on his feelings. It did him no good to bawl his eyes out in his bunk room.

I want you to be happy and safe.

A sob hitched in his chest, making his throat ache. Kaidan couldn’t help the wounded noise he let out.

I love you, Kaidan.

She hadn’t signed the message. She never had before. That lent some credibility to the missive. Beneath the unfamiliar Cerberus armor was the woman he had loved (still loved). And she was in danger. She hadn’t wanted him to worry but now, in a surprising flash of selfishness, she had damned the consequences and replied to him. The what-ifs ran hot and heavy through his mind for a minute.

All he could do now was wait, he realized grimly. Wait for her to come back from where no one had ever returned. Wait for her to send an all-clear. Wait for her.

Wait for her.

For Shepard, he didn’t care how long it took.

Shepard,

I’ll be counting on you to come home safe. For the both of us. I'm looking forward to some shore leave...