#but I’ve been very productive recently so i feel p good about that

[ninawolv3rina]

Pretty/Dangerous

OC: Faedril “Fae” Silvarin

[roo-bastmoon]

IMPORTANT INFO: issues around Jimin’s album

I have an ARMY friend (who shall remain safely anonymous) who works in film production for the music and entertainment industry here in the US. They offered me some valuable insights today into production limitations and possible issues related to Jimin’s solo album.

Below the cut is a transcript of their messages to me. I share this in the hopes it better informs our discussions around fair treatment of BTS members’ releases. It is by no means a definitive account of Jimin’s situation—simply an insider’s ideas on what likely happened around a few things.

I understand there are very big feelings about this topic, especially with the apparent differences around JK’s single, and I appreciate everyone’s viewpoints. However, if you choose to interact with this post, you will be respectful to others (including members) or you will be blocked. You are always welcome to DM me privately if you need to vent—we are all human and we all need a bit of grace, so you’ll always have that with me.

Sending you guys so much love, Roo

Anonymous Insider

Some “light reading” while you’re resting up and recovering, lol. This is all just based on what I’ve been watching and seen. Of course, I don’t have access to their production budget sheet and Korea works very differently than the US when it comes to production, but this what I’ve been seeing when it comes to their videos and particularly the promotions for FACE.

(I’m sending in sections, lol)

Alrighty - I’m still like deep in edit-land (still am two days later 😭) but I started typing this on the train between meetings, ha ha. (And am still on the train doing this, lol.) Also this rambles a bit I’m sorry! So the first thing I did was go back to the interview where Jimin talked about the music videos — it was a Japanese TV show and he’s talking with a host in Korean.

He’s talking about “wanting to do it all,” laughs and says, “I wanted all the music videos” and that “they” (the company assuming) said “무리다” which has its roots in the word 무리 which means a herd, a party, a group — basically “it’s too much,” “it’s unreasonable,” and “it’s impossible” are decent translations as it refers to something or an idea being “too much” — then the host and Jimin burst out laughing and the host goes “서리와 무리다” which I read as “sorry (in konglish) but we can’t” and they continue to laugh. So based on that —it sounds very understandable.

We can imagine Jimin sitting down with his team and planning out SMFP2 and LC videos, with the 30 dancers and all the party scene extras, and then Jimin saying he wants to do the music shows with 6 different sets in rented locations so they could have total control. And if Jimin in that process went “what if we made official music videos for all of them?” the team would understandably go “that’s just not reasonable!” 1) because it would give Jimin a budget no other member had gotten and 2) there aren’t that many production houses in Korea. It’s a very small scene — it may just logistically not been possible. There aren’t enough DPs and crew and editors. Sometimes, as a producer, you have to tell your creative talent “I’m sorry, but no.” — I say it every week!

So what about the music videos? Well, here’s what I know from meticulously watching all the behind the scenes for BTS videos over the years. They work with a small team. They likely own a good deal of the gear — they shoot mainly on RED cameras and heavy expensive Cooke lenses (which you can’t get this stuff easily in Korea. I lost a lens cap for a Canon CINÉ Lens in Seoul and it was like this whole big deal because getting gear there is an import challenge but anyways) they use MOVI and Ronin gimbal stabilizers and Jimmy Rigs a lot.

Recently they’ve been using technocranes but I wonder how many technocranes there are in Seoul. As I said, they likely own a lot of this gear which can help with costs. But we’ve also been told — and I’ve heard through my industry friends — that Hybe PAYS. And in Korea there’s no unions in the entertainment world, and often the rates are shit (hence Netflix investing so much there - blerg) their standard work week is also already 12 hours longer than the US. It’s a whole thing. and they spend so much money on sets. It’s incredible.

They rent these huge spaces outside Seoul and BUILD — I mean the build out for SMFP2 was astounding. They easily dropped 1million on that video. The rigging, the build-out, the custom set and the custom camera rigs to achieve the 360 shots - the drone shots. They’re astounding videos. No US label is spending that money on videos these day. Absolutely none of them are — my friend recently produced a video for John Legend. They were trying to pull the whole thing off for $100K which is ridiculous. It’s really almost impossible.  

But on the Big videos they spend a lot of money, but they also produce a lot of other stuff too (and these are often looked at as Performance Videos vs all-caps MUSIC VIDEOS) -— like RM’s video shoot at DIA Beacon… that was a much smaller, fairly single camera shoot — all shot on drones or a MOVI handheld rig. No set, they also didn’t like pay for the set because DIA: Beacon is an art museum — and similar a little bit to Letter for Jimin, which was much smaller set and easy in-house gear.

(And it was also released on Bangtan TV channel vs Hybe Labels Channel, which is a good indicator of how they categorize these shoots.) But the big videos, they go for broke. I mean they spend so much money and again they may own a lot of the equipment but there’s still so much people-power and labor involved. Take the dancers’ rehearsals. You have to pay people for all that — you have to pay them for the weeks of rehearsal, you have to pay them to be in a video. It is so expensive — like, I would not be able to budget that video for under 1 million, that’s how much it costs.  

So then Jimin wanted to do music shows —- and so because he’s Jimin and it’s BTS, Hybe rented larger venues and locations for all of the shoots. None of them use the actual Broadcast spaces or were provided by the broadcast studios. The smaller companies do though — remember when BTS first started out they went to SBS to film on the day? — but they don’t do that anymore. They rent huge facilities so that they could be a mini concerts for ARMYs to visit with Jimin and see him.

They also have to do this kind of outside of the city and they built huge sets because they’re going to want to show off if they’re gonna be on TV but that is so expensive. (I don’t think you were an ARMY then, but when ON was released, at the time it was the “biggest broadcast performance ever” and they keep upping that ante for sure!) It’s possible the broadcast companies spend some money but what BTS is doing is so outside the usual budget and given the tension with the broadcasters and HYBE — they (Hybe) wants control of their products, and so I think they pay for that control.

I can’t imagine they got out of any of those days for under $500K; I mean, there were two different sets, all the crew; they’re paying for all of it. We add it up and they probably spent close to $3-5 million between Jimin’s music videos and his music show performances, and I would be understandably like: “That’s it!” Like, that’s the budget for an EP, you know.

I don’t think Jimin could have it all because that wasn’t the case for the other members. RM got to lead videos and J Hope had pyrotechnics, which definitely costs money and safety and insurance. You know he had visual effects his first video (a lotta visual effects) and again a lot of challenging technocrane work, but I haven’t really seen them build something on the scale of what they built for SMFP2 in a very long time (or ever?).

We heard from the Art Dept that Jimin did not want to shoot on blue screen, so they built the set for him. This cannot be the same label that is shafting him — that allows him to spend that amount of money just because the artist said “I want to shoot in a real space!” because I’m gonna be completely honest— he could’ve done that on a blue screen — I’m glad they built a real world because BTS almost always shoots on Blue/Green Screen. They build him a huge set like that. It’s absolutely incredible.

I was also reminded this morning that people are talking about radio for Like Crazy and not supporting the song — and I just keep thinking that they did exact rollout for Butter, Dynamite, and Permission to Dance. They released Like Crazy. It had both a Korean version and English version. (Obviously that wasn’t the case for the English BTS songs.) They released two additional remixes. Then they kept releasing, like, alternate cover versions — alternate covers of the main remix, alternate cover the other remix. They were trying to maximize the direct-to-consumer store and exact same way they had tried to maximize it with Dynamite and Butter and Permission to Dance.

The way you were buying Like Crazy was the same process I took on Dynamite. They did the exact same playbook. So the fact that they were unable to get the kind of radio play they wanted or maybe they weren’t prioritizing radio because they knew that they were gonna have a better chance at direct to consumer sales... Maybe they didn’t want to fight radio. Maybe Geffen was like “We don’t have the right ‘Ins’ yet!” — I’m not sure, but the fact that they got completely screwed over by Billboard doesn’t mean that they weren’t actually rolling it out in that way, because as soon as they started doing the whole alternate cover thing, I was like: “Well, they clearly want us to try to go for number one!” You know, “They clearly think that they are going to be able to get number one on the hot 100 and we’re gonna use these sales to do that!” And clearly that’s all changed now.

They keep changing the rules on us, so — with JK, they’re obviously trying to, you know, use whatever tools they have available to them at this point.

Finally, when it comes to restocking the digital single CD. There are still albums available in the store. So why would they manufacture and ship more (likely thrown away) plastic that’s just for one song, when those CD singles only serve to raise sales for the charts? All of the other member’s CD singles are out of stock except The Astronaut, which they treated more like a proper album a bit (kinda like the Butter CD releases). Because they still have both versions of his full albums in stock, so if I were Hybe, I’d be like “No,you need to buy the album, we still have albums, we’re not going to sell you a single song when you can buy the album!” That makes more sense to me. The albums cost more.

TL:DR, haha — so I feel like this narrative around Jimin’s release has been ramped up because, from my professional opinion, he’s had the most expensive release so far (by far) and if we want to compare him to, say, Beyoncé — well she owns her own production company (Parkwood Entertainment), so she can funnel her own money into a Visual Album, I don’t know if Jimin has considered that at this point in his career, but in the future, he might!

((Not including costs for Suga’s tour because that’s a whole other thing, and the tour probably made money I would expect to balance out the cost of the tour itself))

Anonymous Insider

This isn’t to say that the other things, the part where he didn’t get the cake celebration, or the posts, the issues with the linking and this general feeling that Jimin was short-changed in these things isn’t valid and understandable. I think Hybe relied too much on D2C sales and I don’t think they leveraged their might as much as could have for JM. They could have risked more for him.

{This is an end of Anonymous Insider’s messages to me. They noted that they are an intermediate non-native Korean speaker so please excuse any translation errors. They translated things themselves using Naver tools that aligned with the video subtitles.}

So, listen, I still don’t think Like Crazy was sent/promoted to radio (which was a mistake and still is a mistake) and I am furious at the shady articles and lack of celebration for Jimin…

But after reading the way the members approach their work in the Beyond the Story book and now hearing from someone who produces these works for a living, I have to wonder if the company was doing everything they knew how to do for Jimin, but the second it didn’t work out because of the western music industry culling streams and sales, they pulled back all their resources and pivoted for Yoongi and JK. (I also wonder if leadership shut up about it all due to liability issues, or not to cause bad blood with the music industry for future releases.)

Again, I’ll never forgive the lack of celebration and the split streams (not without a great explanation), but at least now I think there’s a good chance no one was actively trying to sabotage Jimin on purpose. They seemed to have wanted that #1 and then it all went to shit because Billboard and radio want to get paid. Maybe leadership decided not to put any more resources into Face but instead pivot for all the future music coming out (including PJM2.)

Perhaps I'm a cockeyed optimist. I’m just hoping like hell they never engage in payola. I want all our boys to win, but I want us to win fairly. And even if everyone cannot have the same investment every time on every project, I hope when they come back together in 2025 that everyone feels good about their solo works and each other. This is my prayer. Love, Roo

[bright-and-burning]

tagged by @landoisokay and @bsaka7 to do my 9 favorite albums (with commentary. i had a lot to say...)

these are all relatively recent because i pick and choose older songs individually more than i listen to them as a single album. like i could pick at least an album’s worth of queen songs, but they’re not all off the same album, ya feel.

in no particular order!! w some explainers below the cut:

dreamland (2020) - glass animals. i almost put how to be a human being but i’ve been listening to that album basically on repeat for the last three weeks so i needed to switch it up. such an experience of an album honestly?? where how to be a human being makes me feel like the main character in an over-saturated murderous movie set in miami, dreamland is like, over-saturated fast car movie set in tokyo (the like. hollywood idea of tokyo, to be clear). forever intertwined with midnight walks through empty cities during covid, driving too fast, the first time i hung out with people after getting to come back to college, neon lights on cinderblock walls and $12 plastic handles of liquor. fundamentally bittersweet as an album imo? but so full of bangers that you forget that it’s . really sad. tokyo drifting with denzel curry was my top song of 2020 and spotify helpfully informed me that i listened to it 30 times on my 19th birthday. lol. the “get loose, streetfighter” with the street fighter sound effect… oh yeah baby that’s art. it’s all so incredibly loud also a song of all time tbh. whole album is floaty and sharp all at once, insane production, the perfect sadness layered underneath, every song building into this brilliant crescendo… perfect album for 2020 eve for like so many reasons, i could wax on about this for AGES so if u want more drop an ask no joke it’ll make my week. still holds up soooo well

lemonade (2016) - beyonce. LOL. this album dropped right around when i was getting cheated on by my gf of. over a year. and then we broke up and i signed the papers to transfer schools the next day without telling anyone. so this album fr got me through uprooting my entire life to start over. (what timing, to get cheated on right as beyonce drops her got-cheated-on album). i knew beyonce belonged on here (too influential musically to me to Not) but i was stumped on what specific album to include (i had 4 on cd in my car in high school, for example, and homecoming: the live album felt like cheating) until i remembered how much play time this one got, and how much i leaned on the album and the visuals then (which. by the way. i bought on itunes bc it wasn’t available for streaming. used precious data bc school wifi wouldn’t let me download it. possibly the last album i bought on itunes??)

save rock and roll (2013) - fall out boy. oh man. 2015 me was on one bc i was a HUGE mcr/fob/atl/p!atd/green day girl but at the Exact same time. a 1d girlie. my shuffle would literally go from mama to up all night. ANYWAYS. was stuck between american beauty/american psycho and save rock and roll, but i think american beauty/american psycho didn’t hold my attention for long and only recently came back on my radar (has some very toxic inspiration won’t lie). the mighty fall ft big sean? life changing. big fan of rappers being dropped into songs that you aren’t expecting them to feature on. “i’m either fuckin or workin so the grind don’t stop” is a work of art. young volcanoes and save rock and roll were legitimately like. the most comforting songs of all time as a sad and lonely 14 year old

when we were friends (2019) - the backseat lovers. starts out so strong and keeps it going. what an album to listen to while absurdly into someone who then starts dating your roommate lol. just like, beautiful stuff. makes me yearn. crazy good to belt out in the car while driving

cleopatra (2016) - the lumineers. feels like home, and being dumb young and in love to me. i’ve been listening to them since ho hey played on our local membership supported radio station when i was . 11?? finally got to see them two summers ago and bawled my eyes out the entire time. this whole album no skips but also like. so overwhelmingly nostalgic and infused with feelings with nowhere to go that i can’t help but want to cry. i learned how to play ophelia on a piano in a basement of a dorm i’ll never see the inside of again lol. patience makes me insane and it’s literally just piano. the lumineers in general make a lot of music that makes me ache for times and places i can’t return to, but this album is pretty peak for it

lungs (deluxe edition) (2009) - florence + the machine. god florence just does not miss does she. dog days are over another local member supported radio station hit. i started listing all the perfect songs off and then had to stop because i was listing the entire track list. floaty and romantic with a heavy edge of morbidity and violence. remember when i said i love when rappers on songs you aren’t expecting? if you listen to anything from this post PLEASE listen to you’ve got the dirtee love ft dizzee rascal from this album. a long ass album that’s good the whole way through, i’ll truly never tire of it

ctrl (2017) - sza. i think SOS might be better and eventually take this slot but i’m trying not to let recency impact this too much. drew barrymore went quintuple platinum in my bedroom in high school. it really was the perfect album for insecure 16 year old me? speaks of growth that listening to this album doesn’t hit me where i live half as much as it used to, that instead of being like damn so real sza to things like . “im sorry im so clingy i dont mean to be a lot... lonely enough to let you treat me like this” im like. damn good song

hozier (expanded edition) (2014) - hozier. take me to church another song that member supported ad-free radio station introduced me to. what a fucking album my GOD. angel of small death and the codeine scene… jackie and wilson was literally like. the love song to me. still is can’t lie. need to be saved and have hands through my hair. every single song has lines that literally make my jaw drop, i feel like i discover something new on every listen through. “free and young and we can feel none of it”… foreigner’s god makes my chest ache. i can’t fucking believe this album is ten years old???

mt joy (2018) - mt joy. another album that reminds me of home; my whole family listened to this for months on end during covid. i’m your wreck is such an opener… “and whatever happens please remember all the laughter” like i’ll cry. my instagram bio is from this song lol. the bit where it shifts into what my family calls shoulder lean mode… anyways. ASTROVAN!!! A SONG ABOUT JESUS SMOKING WEED but like. also an emotional tale of assuring mom how music’ll work out even if they’re broke the whole time. whole album gives me Feelings. this might be the happiest album on this list and it’s. not really that happy. just a very specific kind of like. optimism. we move forward even when we look back. the world fails us but we build it better. idk. like the last song is a break up song, but it’s whole thing is “so if you worry, don’t worry bout me, i always wanted you to see the california coast-line on your own time.” so like yeah, love is burning out, but don’t worry about me. i told u. Feelings.

uhhhh no pressure tagging @mecachrome @freeuselandonorris @monacotrophywife and @oscarpiastriwdc

[90363462]

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9 Erotic Bucket List Adventures That Aren't Sex

Sex sells and that's on Little Bo Peep.

Kiarra Sylvester

Jul. 12, 2022 07:00AM EST

Sex sells! That’s on Little Bo Peep, Mary and her little lamb, and whoever else. We see it all over the television and even outside of it. These days, novelty experiences are on the rise and are no longer reserved for bachelor and bachelorette parties! Folks can enjoy erotic outings and ideas any time, any place. And social media is making it easier than ever to sell these products and experiences in new and intriguing ways. Seriously, do phallic- and p*ssy-shaped desserts not make for Instagram-worthy content? 

Is it not aesthetically eye-catching to add those things to our Instagram Stories and feeds? It’s very similar to the popularization of selfie museums, in my opinion. They were popular by themselves but because of the new influencer agenda on social media – everyone can be someone – it makes specific experiences appear to be richer. Leave it to someone like myself, a sexuality enthusiast, if you will – the person whose friends send all the raunchy, wild content to because in their mind there’s no limit – to find a good sex novelty experience.

My documentation of my trip to New York’s Museum of Sex was followed by my TikTok algorithm recommending a bakery in NYC that sells vulva pastries. It made me wonder how many other fun places like these existed in the world. Though there are many, I compiled a list of 9 novelty sex experiences that would make the teenaged version of you that used to frequent Spencer's blush.

Kinky's Dessert Bar

New York, New York

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Black-owned and specializing in tasty goodies that are as sweet as they are sexy, Kinky’s Dessert Bar comes in at the top of the list! This adorable little pink shop is vibrant and fun-looking with a name to match it – who wouldn’t want to stop by? Alas, those under 18 aren’t allowed inside, and for good reason. However, if you are old enough to ride this ride, don’t leave feeling teased – try one of their explicit waffles, cupcakes, or cookies. 

Booze and Nudes 

Dallas, Texas

Booze and Nudes used to be a whole movement that began in Atlanta, however, it seems the OG promoters stopped doing this event. It garnered so much traction in ATL that they took this act on the road (trust me, I know). I’ve been pressed to find another one ever since but only recently found this new one based in Dallas. By far one of the most fun girls' night out experiences I had – dick swinging and all – it was like a less intense strip club (which is welcomed) combined with a sip and paint. The dates here are limited, so try it out while tickets last.

Museum of Sex

New York, New York

​This museum covers a wide variety of sexuality-related topics rather than finding any one niche. And, the Museum of Sex also doubles as a novelty store as well making for a one-stop-shop. My favorite part about this museum is they switch out their funtivity every now and then, at one point there was a booby bounce house. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that they will run it back!

Members Only Waffle House 

Toronto, Canada

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If you’re a U.S. resident looking for an excuse outside of Carabana to visit Toronto, here it goes! Similar to Kinky’s Dessert Bar, Members Only brings all the boys and girls to the yard with their phallic-shaped waffles. However, they have also expanded into making other NSFW treats, most notably ones featuring female genitalia, because balance.

Red Light Secrets 

Antique Vibrator Museum

San Francisco, California

I would love to make a trip to visit the Antique Vibrator Museum, as masturbation via sex toys is one of my favorite topics. This museum is run by Good Vibrations and in all fairness, it’s just one small room so it’s probably best to plan this trip around other things to do if you are ever in San Fran. However, it’s still worth visiting to be able to see up close and personal the transition of vibrators along with the sexist history that they harbor.

Philly Naked Bike Ride

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

​Though the Naked Bike Ride occurs in multiple cities and countries, I first discovered this event living in Philadelphia. As much as I love riding bikes and being naked, I’ll be the first to admit this isn’t my forte as a combined act. Bike seats are already so comfortable so just imagine. Nevertheless, I’ve heard it’s nothing less than an experience. Plus, the purpose is to advocate for body positivity and eco-efficient options, and who doesn’t like nudity for a good cause?

Leather Archives and Museum 

Chicago, Illinois

Leather Archives and Museum is committed to highlighting the leather, kink, fetish, and BDSM history through their exhibits. Not only is this a fun stop to make if you’re ever in the Chicago area, but it also brings better understanding to a community that is often misunderstood.

Amsterdam, Netherlands

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In addition to its architecture and canals, Amsterdam is most known for its liberal attitude towards sex and drugs. Their wild nightlife scene points to them being a city that is forever young, wild, and free. But specific to sex, they are known for legalized sex work which occurs in the Red Light District. Red Light Secrets in particular talks about the history of sex work which I think is great considering how stigmatized it is, despite the whole sex sells bit. But, the most fun part about this experience is that it’s located in an old brothel! 

Seattle Erotic Art Festival 

Seattle, Washington

This is a multimedia art festival showcasing the erotic via visual arts, performance, film, and literary art. Though the time to attend for 2022 has come and gone, the festival has already released dates for 2023. If all goes well with the world, you can expect to attend on April 21-23. This event has a minimum age of 21, so be sure to leave the kiddos behind for this sweet getaway.

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Kiarra Sylvester

Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.

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[itsstraykids]

hello hello! i had the absolute fuckall busy 2days, hope u didnt mind the accidental ghosting. i kept wanting to reply but i was feeling too tired to do it lmao. hello! hope ur doing well! i absolutely love the word coinkydink btw, im stealing it thank u. the fact!!!!!!!! that u do music production!!!!!!!! so cool!!!! consider me amazed yayy. ive always been unhealthily obsessed with chan's vocals, seeing him sing, esp with as much love and enjoyment/passion as he does is chills inducing to me. and yeah!!! his skills are so impressive, esp 3racha with rockstar album i very much agree!! i still cant pick a favorite song, and its funny bcs that's seldom the case no matter how much i love the whole album. cover me was played a lot tho (i was soo proud of hyunjin!!) and their vocalss yess!! seungmin han i.n leeknow and then ofc chan felix hyunjin changbin, they all did such good jobs, and their voice shined a notch brighter yes!! (mildly obsessed everytime changbin sings btw i am a sucker for it) their vocal heavy songs have always been some of my beloved!!!! never-ending story that i never get enough of, levanter and in christmas evel the way 24-25 was my immediate favorite! skz and ballads is smth mind-scratchingly wonderful, like always. what are some of your other favorite kpop groups?? what genres do u like as well, like i really love and find myself obsessed with k-indie, if we are talking korean language songs? what kind of songs do u like and listen to!! just wanted to know more abt u as well!! esp now that ik u produce too!! and just wanted to say ur art!!!! its so amazing and gorgeous!! so talented!!

^^apologies if i sound mildly incoherent (ik i do) its so damn cold outside both my face and brain have made it a mission to resemble chunks of ice cream so im!! thinking in circles p ls excuse. hope u have a good day an amazing week and great end of year and holidays!!

no worries at ALL dude the holidays are crazy, i really like this secret santa project but there’s so much else going on it’s also a lot 😅 yes! i’m stoked you liked rockstar. i thought it was so good, i was really in love with the songs/choreo/vibes and the members all seemed so happy! OMG YES Changbin’s voice is so good…why doesn’t he sing more it’s crazy…i have rewatched their conodoll episode a couple times because all their voices are just wonderful to listen to

i like 24-25 too! and that music video is just too sweet, it gave me cavities lmao. my fave kpop groups are skz, txt, and my OG (and forever) kpop band is shinee! i’ve been getting into xdinary heroes too. it seemed like everyone released amazing EPs this october-november, i was living for it. good music was raining down left and right.

i like so many genres in all languages! rock, punk, electronic, indie—i used to listen to a lot of k-indie (nell, the black skirts, the koxx, clazziquai) but now i don’t really know any more recent bands. i’d love to hear what your favorite songs/bands are!! i’m in a finding-new-music phase right now. i just found out about this new zealand band called the beths, their album “expert in a dying field” is a lyrical masterpiece.

thank you for your sweet compliments!! haha i’m trying to get better at portraits…oof, sorry it’s so cold where you are! bundle up and i hope you get some sun soon!! i’m in california so it’s actually really nice weather. exactly like the rest of the year. i do miss having seasons. but it’s also nice to go to the beach and not freeze lmao

best of luck in the final week before the holidays!! gonna be a crazy one i think, i have to bake stuff until my oven gives up and cries

[lifewithoutmeds]

May 13, 2023

Almost a month to the day from my last writing, and sadly, discouragingly, i’m in nearly literally the same position i was last month at this time.

i had a bad few weeks. i slipped up with everything. i fell into a deep depression. and now only very recently do i have the tiniest bit of hope and wherewithal to try and make small improvements. 

in the last few weeks i’ve:

gone to ireland, which was just an okay time. did some nice sight seeing in northern ireland, ate some good meals, and did some fishing at the Grand Canal in Dublin, all of which was pretty fun. but i also had to face that sometimes i just don’t like my friends/the company i keep, and also i just don’t like sharing a room/bed, and i really like just lying down and not thinking, which is hard to do while traveling abroad. 

i seem to be in a constant level of dissatisfaction. i know traveling should be fun but i don’t enjoy myself when i’m out there, i know that being at home should be relaxing but i feel bored and meaningless, i know time with friends should be fun but i find myself dreading social events and looking longingly forward to the time when i could be home alone, by myself.

today is saturday afternoon and on thursday afternoon after work i drove into anaheim to meet up with jessica’s family and lana’s family. it was only an hour and a half but it was exhausting. all the children, all running around, all without inhibitions/sense/propriety. it was difficult to find any moment of calm or to have a real conversation without someone having to yell at some kid.

yesterday was good though. went to a dr. appointment in the morning where we agreed to wean off of my current prescription of lexapro and abilify, the latter of which may have been contributing to my weight gain, and wean in Wellbutrin, which may serve double to alleviate my depression and also contribute to weight loss. so that gave me a little hope. afterward i packed up for fishing, picked up c and p, and we went to my fav fishing spot where we fished from 11:30 to about 3:30, then went to the local bar/brewery and ate/drank, before hitting the road back again. i was too tired to shower/clean up and just crashed, and ended up sleeping for some 12 hours.

today when i finally got up, i had some coffee, and started on my list of to - do’s: make bed, check on thor, wash dishes, check mail, shower, clip fingernails, run vacuum, read 20 pages, and journal. this is my last thing to do (well, i will likely check on thor one more time tonight.)

this feels better than before, when i was just in what seemed like inexplicable and unnecessary agony, believing life to be meaningless pain and suffering, but it helps to read and get my mind off things. i’m still watching productivity and money videos on youtube, so i’m not completely helpless/at a loss. at least i think there’s some meaning there, i suppose?

upcoming things (May): mother’s day tomorrow. on the agenda is: pick mom up, go to church, have lunch at local japanese place, get what she wants from Armstrong Gardens.

tuesday: hopefully, a psychiatrist appointment. saturday: happy hour with matt and kendy in santa monica may 24 - may 27: camping at rock creek lake monday, may 29: memorial day holiday (likely just resting)

[paulidin]

#TeamPixel You may have seen in recent captions I've been looking for a friend to let me take photos of them so I can get practice people-capturing in my portfolio. Yesterday, @MagicCatJenny lived up to her name by being a very magical model indeed! Here's just 1 image of her elfin character tossing a stick into a tiny creek from a bridge just because I asked her to. I was thinking fae folk play pooh sticks, right? . It was a good several hours of exploring El Dorado Park in Long Beach, then deciding on a place to park as a homebase, then walking from one scenic spot to another, stopping at restrooms for outfit changes. Jenny had ideas about the kinds of shots and scenes she wanted and I had ideas about the kinds of photos I wanted to add to my catalog and I think it was a really productive and generous back-and-forth kind of day. Kind of work but kind of play. I'm building my gallery page of all the photos I've edited down and will probably share that tomorrow. . If you need help doing something like protecting queer lives & rights or protesting book banning, guns, or cops, try using @resistbot to tell your representatives how you feel about one issue. And later maybe another. And so on. If you go out to vote or protest in person, please #WearAMask. . I'm lucky enough to be comfortable but I'm still poor and could use help saving for a new car. If you like what i share online, you could gift me! - Cash app $paulidin - Venmo @Paul-Roth - PayPal @paulroth (at El Dorado Park) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cpbgpg_rEAJ/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[adamnewing]

Internship ePortfolio - Entry 2

The first days of my internship were not overly difficult as I spent the majority of my time completing fairly simple tasks and familiarising myself with the type of work that is regularly done by the Rainmaker team. This was a good opportunity for me to slowly integrate myself into the team and build confidence. Had I been given a demanding or difficult workload early on I feel as though I may have become overwhelmed and stressed – reducing the quality of my internship experience. This was also a good opportunity for my supervisors to get an idea of my strengths and weaknesses and my proficiency level with software programs. My initial tasks included changing the text on pre-set graphics for shows like ‘Off The Bench’ – a country footy show, basic video editing/clipping to send to clients for social media use, and some basic sets design mock-ups. Although my work on Off The Bench was quite basic, I got my first taste of seeing some the work I completed on a finished show which was exciting and rewarding.

I also spent a lot of time in the studio watching how the media control room is used during the filming. I spent about 3-4 hours watching the Rainmaker team in the studio as they filmed a product launch for Giant bicycles. This was a little more straight forward as much of the content used on the product launch was created by Giant meaning most of the responsibilities for rainmaker came down to executing the production. Whereas a lot of other shows created by the Rainmaker team require lots of pre-production as they make graphics, overlay/vision, rundowns etc.

These first 40 hours went very smoothly and with each day I have become more and more comfortable at my internship and confident in my abilities. According to Geunpil and Moon (2019) “Self-determination theory (SDT) presumes that individuals have three basic psychological needs – autonomy, belongingness and competence – and they experience high levels of self motivation and well-being when those needs are satisfied” (p. 483). I believe my internship experience has been positive so far because those three fundamental needs are all being met.

I feel as though I have learnt a lot in such a short amount of time and have already started developing current skills and acquiring new ones. Although I’m mostly comfortable with where I am currently at, I know there are still skills I will need to improve to ensure I can complete work of a higher quality and at a more efficient rate. I’ve recently come across the ‘70/20/30’ model that essentially illustrates the most effective sources of learning (Instructional Design, 2022). According to the model work-related experiences are the most effective sources for learning which may be why I feel as though I have already developed so much of my knowledge and skills. Based off how my initial experience has been so far, I am excited to see what lies ahead in my internship as I undertake new tasks and a more challenging workload. I am also interested in seeing how my skills and qualities continue to develop overtime.

(Instructional Design, 2022)

Ryu, G., & Moon, S. (2019). The effect of actual workplace learning on job satisfaction and organizational commitment. Journal of Workplace Learning, 31(8), 481-497. https://doi.org/10.1108/jwl-05-2019-0061

The 70:20:10 learning model. (2022, August 30). Instructional Design Australia. https://instructionaldesign.com.au/the-702010-learning-model/

[silentauroriamthereal]

2.4 million words

With a little under an hour to go before it’s 2022, I just realized that I just crossed the threshold of the 2.4 million word mark in my writing in this fandom. 

That’s right: including my current fic, I’ve now written precisely 2,400,350 words in the Sherlock fandom as of this very second! 89 of these are posted; 1 is in progress, and 1 more is being actively plotted as we speak (more about those two below!). I’ve been feeling bummed about how slow my production in general has become of late. We got hit with some hard news about my mom’s health in early November and it’s been a shock. I’m also working my full-time job and multiple part-time or contract jobs on top of that, and I’m just busy, stressed, wrestling with endless anxiety, and there’s this whole pandemic thing on top of that. 

But this is feeling good. 2.4 million words! Before I started writing in the Sherlock fandom, I had previously written 1.4 million words in the Harry Potter fandom over the course of several years. I just received a translation request for my very oldest story in that fandom two weeks ago, a story that I would have posted way back in 2003. Meanwhile, here in this fandom, my oldest story (Resurrection), posted in July 2013, received its newest bookmark as recently as December 28th. Sometimes I’m actively shocked that there people still reading my oldest stories. I will never stop being amazed and delighted that there are people still actively looking forward to reading stories of mine that I haven’t written yet. That’s mindblowing, and I love every last one of you for it! 

More than that, this fandom has saved me in so many ways over the years. Some of you are Patreon patrons of mine. Others of you have sent one-time (or multiple!!) donations to help me when I was in actual financial crisis. (I will never, ever, to my dying breath, stop being grateful to all of you who have done that, who are still doing it!!) You’ve reached out to me in every medium where I exist, online and off, you’ve checked in on me when I’ve gone radio silent for too long, you’ve emailed, left comments on stories just to reach me, messaged me here on tumblr. Some of you have physically visited me in this city or that. One of you has knitted me socks (GORGEOUS socks, @chained-to-the-mirror!!). You’re friends, family, community, and I’m glad down to my bones to have this community to write for, share our love for these characters and all that goes with it. It’s really quite incredible! 

Okay, upcoming projects: right now, I’m about 12,000 words into a story called Cupid’s Venom, which features Mike Stamford trying to play the role of Cupid, Sherlock becoming obsessed with the notion of attraction/emotion-as-toxin, along with attempting to research the character of Cupid (aka: the stupidest possible ways to take Stamford’s well-meant advice!), and then I plan to finally write a sequel to my story Isosceles that will see Sherlock and John go to LA to visit Corey Graham (aka the superstar that Sherlock dates in the first story). I’ll probably give it another cheesy shape-based title like Trapezoid or something. Time will tell! :P 

Meanwhile, that’s my longer than usual update about where I’m at with my writing: I’m 2.4 million words deep, baby!! Here’s to a bunch more! Happy New Year to you all! <333333333333333333333333333333

[f-ngrl]

LAYBACKNCHILL

Finallyyyyy my LBNC label info post. I’ve been hoping to find motivation for it for a long time and tonight is the night let’s go. It may be long and much blabla but idc, you can scroll past if you’re not interested :D

Rapper Chaboom founded the label Layback Records first, and then renamed it to LayBackNChill (LBNC) later. The motto is “to live a laid-back life by making laid-back music between people who have a good relationship”.

This year they are my favorite crew (next to my other favorite crews wysd and d.o.g) and here are some reasons why

see how I just called them a crew when they are actually a label? They are more like a crew. All of them seem close with each other and they all release (very fire) collab albums between 2 or more members regularly. It feels so natural in a time where most labels‘ actions and signings are (understandably) business decisions.

even before I knew their motto I would have described them like that. Most of the members are “old” but haven’t “made it” and while I think that must be a huge pressure, they seem just really chill about everything, the music doesn’t sound try-hard at all. It’s just consistently good music.

bc of most member’s ages I personally can identify well with them :P

the music is so good obviously. It’s a group where I regularly listen to music of almost every member. This is personal again but I just like trap I think, and most older rappers do boombap, and that’s just not as exciting for me. (or at least most of the recent stuff I’ve been listening to was trap. Haven’t had time to check all their old music it’s so much :D)

Chaboom did what few hiphop labels (and by that I mean labels that actually release mostly rap and hiphop and not all other kinds of mixed stuff) achieved and signed women, 2 of them. More abt them and the other members now.

and. sorry if this post is messy, their pics not ideal etc i’m too tired. and this is just for reference for later. ah here their LABEL IG page. Follow to not miss out on releases :P

차붐 (Chaboom) | 차종혁 (Cha JongHyuk) | 1985.4.5 | rapper

Founder and CEO

Used to have a boombap style

Participated in SMTM777

Is close with VMC and others

He gave kaogaii his stage name

He was originally a producer before he started rapping

Wybh’s “Equus (remix)” was originally Chaboom’s song feat. Paloalto, Swings, Deepflow (news to me 🙈)

마진초이(Marginchoi) | ??? | producer

Not much is known about him

He usually works with other LBNC artists the most

He was LBNC’s only producer until HD BL4CK joined

songrec? idk everyone he produced more than 50% of LBNC’s music I’m sure of that. They really mainly work only with each other. Pick a random LBNC song and it’s probably produced by him. I just tried it with 3 songs and it worked. Try Leebido - DDOOK DDOOK (Feat. Chaboom, ChaMane, Don Mills)

오아이 (O.I) | 최지윤 (Choi JiYoon) | 1998.8.22 | singer/rapper

(on the left in the photo)

She usually sings but also rapped on her collab album with Wonjjang

They’re so cool check out the album, here the song Stars with kitsyojii and Leebido

리비도 (Leebido) | 이병민 (Lee ByungMin) | 1992.6.21 | rapper

He debuted only in 2019 but has tons of nice Eps

Two EPs of his own and 2 with HD BL4CK, 1 with kitsyojii and kaogaii, and 2 with Chaboom nice work

Song rec: thisineverthat (with Chaboom) so underrated. Their concept seems to be brand names and products lol free ads for those I guess. But it goes hard just listen.

가오가이 (kaogaii) | 백한솔 (Back Han-sol) | 1991.2.18 | rapper

Part of crew Hofgang with kitsyojii. They’re besties since middle school. Their concept is being childish I love that.

Participated in SMTM a lot

Has also become a YouTuber

Changmo gave him libilly merch because they’re both from Namyangju, but they never met or talked (?)

Songrec: Purple Kimchi with Viann (producer) and kitsyojii from their recent collab album

키츠요지 (kitsyojii) | 조승환 (Jo SeungHwan) | 1990.5.25 | rapper

Hofgang with kaogaii

He likes to start diss battles, first I thought it’s silly but ig it’s just for fun and entertainment (still silly xD). First Jo Gwangil for being fast and then some high schooler (I forgot) for being not that good well lol.

Also participated in some SMTMs and even Superbee’s rap academy

His old rap name was Joystick because he wanted a rap name with “Jo” like his last name, but changed it when he joined LBNC

His rap is simple I think but I really like the style. He’s one of my fav and most listened rappers these days.

Song rec for a popular song: 일어나 Remix which got featured by Dingo

Now that I think abt it, kitsoyjii and kaogaii have gotten a lot of support from Dingo in the last months, the funny concept seems to be working. Maybe you’ll see them become more popular soon

원쨩 (Wonjjang) | ??? | rapper

If you read my posts you’ll know she’s one of my fav female rappers. She has an aggressive style and a deep voice so cool

Loves anime

Read my profile post abt her here

She hasn’t released any songs since that post :( anyway, songrec: tlqkf with HD BL4CK from their collab album

요보이 (YoBoy) | 강요셉 (Kang Joseph) | 2002.10.14 | rapper/singer

He is the youngest member

Was on hsr 4

He does a lot of singing, but it’s nice

Song example: Chillin Vibe (Feat. Chaboom, kitsyojii, Wonjjang, Leebido, O.I, kaogaii) (prod. marginchoi)

에이치디 블랙 (HD BL4CK) | 현동권 (Hyun Dongkwon) | producer

The bestttt he’s my fav producer rn

He also worked with Skinny Brown and is friends with Swervy & friends

Member of team yaya

Not much is known abt him but he debuted a long time ago and is pretty young I think -> signs for genius

Have 2 monster collab songs: Seoul Forest (Feat. Don Mills, KHAN, kaogaii, ChaMane, kitsyojii, Leebido, Basick) (a new one) and Lighter (Feat. Kash Bang, Leebido, Blase, Yami Tommy, ICE PUFF, Flavordash, Dayday) (a little older)

Generally if you look at his past featurings, it’s a rich list

Can’t wait for someone to make him a namu wiki page so I can find out 1 thing abt him :D I once found out his first name by reading all the comments on his ig and checking what his friends were calling him but I forgot :(

면도 (myunDo) | 임현도 (Lim HyunDo) | 1994.8.4 | rapper

He was on SMTM a few times and on Sign here

Apparently has/had 6 ferrets

He has his own label B.A.D (ballin’ all day)

I don’t really know his music yet (his signing was announced along with a long album, but it’s not out yet) but here’s a song that got stuck in my head: myunDo, 최서현 (Choi Seo Hyun) - HOUSE PARTY

이그니토 (Ignito) | 민재기 (Min JaeGi) | 1982.9.1 | rapper

He’s the newest and oldest member (ha ha) – newest to sign and oldest in age

He’s been in khh for a long time and was more active in the past

Idk his music well yet either

Latest song he did when his signing was announced: Shocking Asia (feat. Don Malik, EK, Keem Hyo-Eun, Chillin Homie, BLACK NINE, Maddoaeji)

As you can see I once again can’t keep up. Hopefully they don’t sign so many ppl in the future because they’re such a nice gang and if there are too many people, not all of them can collab all the time. Which I hope they can keep doing bc what they make is great. I got into them slowly and then noticed one by one that all members make really good music. At least as far as I’ve gotten now.

And notice how I gave you songs where they all feat with each other? Just doing that bc I hope someone will listen (all yt links btw). But their albums and solo songs are just as great (maybe even better sometimes bc more consistent), can be listened without skipping no problem. If you want more music recs for a member just ask :) I hope you will get to like them too bc everyone who’s not listening is missing outtt ok that was all thx :)

[somnianus]

On Chinese and Eastern Dramatic Acting vs Western

Part 1    Part 2

Mostly in ref to the Untamed/Word of Honor, but applies to a lot of East Asian works-

I’ve been getting the sense that people I know from the west (also being Asian-American myself) often interpret Chinese/Japanese/Korean drama and theatre to be too corny/cheesy/over-acted. A quick search on some internet forums confirms this. Maybe it’s because I used to watch a lot of C-dramas when I was a kid (Legend of the Condor Heroes/Return of C Heroes/Journey to the West/The Reincarnated Princess/etc), I personally did not notice that the acting was over the top. 

I don’t really speak for the quality of acting of these actors because I barely follow them in their careers, but I do know that some of them are immature actors or don’t have much formal training (which may cause the cheesiness above). However, Eastern dramatic acting in general does seem like a common complaint, so I decided to look into it - this is all coming from someone who JUST recently got back into watching C-dramas btw, doing my own research so don’t mind me if there’s some incorrect things down here, I am by NO means at all an expert in drama and theater (lol):

^Villains are often depicted with very exaggerated facial expressions (Above, Xue Yang, The Untamed)

Part 1

1. Chinese concept of mo vs western equivalent of “mimesis” or “imitation”

From this, an excellent chapter on Chinese theatrical concepts vs Western concepts.

Mo plays a significant part in traditional Chinese theatre, usually held to be antithetical to the realism of Western theatre because of its emphasis on theatricality. 

Mo means mimesis or imitation, but in a very different sense from the Western concept. One of the first Chinese scholars to use this term, Fu Sinian, used it to compare Western theatre to Chinese theatre:

Presenting a real event and performing an entertaining show are not compatible. The former emphasizes imitation (yige zhong mofang^b); the latter stresses spontaneity and entertainment. The former performance produces a lifelike image; the latter has nothing to produce. The former puts emphasis on the plot; the latter puts emphasis on theatricality. Therefore they are completely contradictory to one another.

This guy actually goes onto critique Chinese theater, saying it should be more like Western realism, so that there will “be no singing, and the acting will imitate people’s real gestures.” However! Other Chinese critics tried to approach Western vs traditional Chinese drama as two DIFFERENT but still valid forms of art. For example, Yu Shangyuan (1927) said western performance is “writing realistically” (xie shi) and chinese performance as “writing suggestively” (xie yi). Western dramas really rely on an accurate/semi-accurate representation of life and realism. Traditional Chinese drama and acting relied on the “symbolic and imaginative.”

Then what is mo? It is the emotional display, the emotional revelation, that is shown on stage. Starting from the Yuan dynasty, the Chinese drama was thought to be a continuation of poetry rather than its own independent stage art.

Poetry is where the intent of the heart goes. Lying in the heart, it is “intent”; when uttered in words, it is “poetry.” When an emotion stirs inside, one expresses it in words; finding this inadequate, one sighs over it; not content with this, one sings it in poetry; still not satisfied, one unconsciously dances with one’s hands and feet. [anonymous, 1975, from Shi Daxu 200 BCE]

Chinese drama with dancing and singing, was the most expressive product of poetry. The importance of mo cannot be stressed enough - it is the measure by which traditional Chinese drama was judged, how well this drama make you feel? Love, pain, loss, guilt, happiness? Plot becomes something that doesn’t matter as much (more on that later).

^Beijing/Peking Opera - highly stylized, emotive, “unrealistic” performances

To emphasize how central and important this concept is, it’s thought that a good Chinese playwright never fails to “seize a highly dramatic scene to stage an elaborate presentation of an emotional state.”

Love is of source unknown, yet it grows ever deeper. The living may die of it, by its power the dead live again. [Peony Pavilion, Mu dan ting]

This quote really shows how important it was to show these emotions on stage, to inspire the audience to feel deeply. Chinese critics believed that the best part about drama was how efficient it is to display emotion. Playwrights should “depict extreme bitterness, extreme happiness, extreme silliness, and extreme sobriety; imitate these feelings to the utmost (miao mo jin xing^p).”

Such performances are not necessarily accurately mimicking reality, but they are obtained through the “revelation” of a character’s internal emotional world.

2. Mo vs the depiction of reality or theatrical truth

The Chinese concept of aesthetic truth relates a lot to theatrical truth. In a lot of traditional Chinese art, painting, poetry, etc, aesthetic truth is not empirical, and doesn’t have to be accurate to life, or realistic. It’s a “truth that lies beyond mere superficial likeness.”

To the Chinese artist, an accurate resemblance between art and reality is not only superficial but often distorting. Chinese artists hold a dialectical view on the “form” (xing) and the “spirit” or “content” (shen) of an artistic object. According to them, xing  and shen are not always complementary. On the contrary, they often stand in opposition to one another. (referenced in the chapter above)

Traditional Chinese artists would rather represent the object with the wish that their representation matches its spirit, or abstract identity, than its actual form because a “photographic image is a shallow image.” It’s easy to draw a picture of something realistically, but it’s much harder and more satisfying to depict its nature, its feeling, its spirit.

This also naturally affects theater and dramatic performances.

Dramatic writing can be divided into two types: “a painting-like work” or a “transformed work,” in which the latter has higher artistic value because it reaches more towards the essence of dramatic object. Realistic imitations are fine, but they’re not really enough to reveal the mo or true feelings of something.

In addition, traditional Chinese dramatists believe that “all dramas are nothing but allegories. One need not ask about their origins in actual life.” You might be able to see, then, that these older playwrights and critics really fancied the overdramatic depictions of emotions.

a. The Chinese notion of theatrical truth/aesthetic truth vs European

Onto what we, as part of the Western audience, are more used to:

For Italian neoclassical critics, the pleasure of a drama hinges  on how accurate, how realistic, the depiction is. Castelvetro, the leading Italian Neo-Classical critic and creator of the concept of “the three unities,” claims thus:

We cannot imagine a king who did not exist, nor attribute any action to him.

Another Italian critic, Robortellus, said that a creative/imaginative story with no “verisimilitude” (truthfulness, in this context, realism) is less appealing than one that imitates a real-life event:

Thus if a tragic plot contained an action which did not really take place and was not true, but was represented by the poet himself in accordance with verisimiltude, it would perhaps move the souls of the auditors, but certainly less.

So basically, it’s fundamentally the opposite of Chinese theater. Italian dramatic works prized being realistic, being properly adapted from reality and real events. Chinese dramatic works, however, enjoyed the emphasis on heartfelt emotional demonstrations, or mo. Even in critical writings, the word “truth” is used, but it is usually used to modify the word “heart” or “emotion.” It is very concerned with the internal, the truthfulness of heartfelt emotional expression.

Taken these contexts, you can see why the Chinese stage/dramas are wholly “unreal” as Tao-Ching Hsu puts it. Everything, the makeup, the costumes, the props, is expressive and suggestive rather than imitative.

b. Bejing/Peking Opera, jingju

A famous example is the Beijing/Peking Opera, jingju. The makeup and costumes themselves are fantastical representations. The colors and patterns suggest different moods, temperaments, characters, and even changes in emotions. Actors would make distinct movements to depict distinct emotions with varying levels of energy. The stage itself may be sparse, because it is not as important as the expression of emotion and drama. 

The stage is sparse not because of the lack of technology or funding, but because it leaves room for the actor themselves to fully express their internal thinking/feeling/emotions. Characters can cross hundreds of miles in a few steps or may take the whole stage to cross a supposed road. This representation looks “unreal” to a realistic-minded audience, but it is very genuine to a Chinese audience.

Summary (so far)

This crucial understanding of the concept of mo (the emotional revelation), and the way traditional Chinese drama depicts life and stories, informs how their modern works are also portrayed. Coming from a Western dramatic background, where realism and plot are the most important aspects of a work, it can be very confusing, right? Even Chinese scholars began to judge their own dramatic works through a Western lens.

How does this traditional background affect modern Chinese dramas and works? I think it still has a very large effect, even though much of Western ideals about dramatic works have been heavily integrated into modern Chinese dramas.

Part 2: On Theatricality and how it transfers into Chinese Cinema

[just-here-for-the-moment]

Paloma, Part II

Series Masterlist - Part I - Part II

Word count: 8900+

Rating: explicit, 18+ only

Outline: Statesman!Frankie "Catfish" Morales, Agent Jack “Whiskey” Daniels, and "You" (OC cis/het female reader, Statesman research analyst, code name “Paloma”; age 26; reader is “blank canvas”/no physical description/no use of “Y/N”)

Warnings: “plot bloat” (trying to get Paloma where she needs to go); fully legal age gap; curse words; alcohol; Whiskey acting like a bastard; a little sprinkling of angst; open-mouth kissing; protected P/V sex; some extra-soft!Frankie

On your third Monday at Statesman New York you led a planning meeting that should have been easy. Jack Daniels made it anything but.

The worst part was that you hadn't even been properly introduced yet. Where Champ had rolled out the red carpet for you at Louisville HQ, Whiskey was a phantom, too busy to meet with you during your first couple of weeks. That made what happened in the meeting even more humiliating.

You started by outlining the research that your team had gathered, the analysis that they had carefully done, and presented the options and outcomes. When you were done, Whiskey threw his copy of your report down on the table and said, "That's horseshit."

You felt your face heat with embarrassment, but you tried to hold your ground. "Excuse me?"

Jack waved his fingers dismissively, "That's alright, I'll excuse you. This isn't the kind of work I expected from our new 'hotshot' team lead. Why isn't there information about the facilities we'll be targeting?"

"There are no 'facilities' at this location, Agent. It's a one-and-done for a drop and extract. There's nothing to raid, nothing to seize, and nothing to see."

"Really?" He arched one eyebrow at you and rubbed his thumb over his lower lip. The sheer cockiness of it made you burn with irritation. "So how come the information we got last Friday tells us that there's a production facility the next block over? You really gonna send our agents halfway around the world without botherin' to target the facility next door?"

You froze. Was he correct? That didn't seem possible. How had your team missed that? You held his gaze with as much assertiveness as you could muster, trying to match his attitude so that you wouldn't appear to be weak. "I don't have information about any facilities."

He cracked a smirk, "Well then, you're not very good at your job, are you darlin'?"

You swallowed hard and tried not to let tears rise. How dare he talk down to you? What the hell was his problem? Another agent spoke up, saying that if new information had come in recently, then you could review it and reconvene later to discuss its impact. The meeting disbanded.

You felt like you had been sucker-punched, and you weren't sure if you wanted to flee to your office, or sit gripping the edge of the table and glare Whiskey down. You opted to stay, waiting for everyone else to file out. Finally it was just you and Whiskey left, sitting at the big conference table and having some kind of a stubborn staring contest. This was not how you wanted to start your new job.

"What the fuck is your problem with me?" You gritted the question out and held his gaze. You knew that cursing at a senior agent, not to mention the one who was the face of Statesman Whiskey and de facto head of the New York office, probably wasn't the wisest way to start your tenure... but neither was backing down and letting him roll right over you.

"Nothin' personal, darlin', but I can't let you give my agents incorrect or missing information. Your team should have known about the facilities at this location."

"It sure felt personal, Agent Whiskey. If you have a problem with my work, you take it up with me privately. I don't mind admitting when I've made a mistake, but it's shitty to treat people like that in front of others." You glared at him, trying to look as fierce as you could.

He finally looked away from you, and muttered something that might have been an apology.

"What's that, Agent Whiskey? I didn't quite hear you."

"I said, 'I'm sorry.' You're right. That was unfair of me."

Before you could stop yourself, you found acid on your tongue. "Well, well, the great Agent Whiskey lowers himself to apologize. No wonder you flash that charm at everything on two legs. Your manners can't stand on their own, can they?"

If you hadn't been so focused on gathering up your paperwork, you would have seen a flicker of hurt cross his face. Instead you stomped out of the conference room and thanked the stars that you hadn't cried. By the time you got back to your office, a cold ball of regret was starting to form just below your ribs. You prided yourself on being able to work effectively with everyone, and you were extremely proud of your track record at Statesman so far. Why hadn't you been less confrontational, or tried to smooth things over? Why had you jumped straight to a pissing contest?

---

"God, what an asshole!"

"I told you, he's kind of a lot to take." Ginger's voice on the other end of the phone came through calm and sweet, as she always was.

You spun your chair to lean back and stare up at the ceiling of your office, trying to keep tears from forming. "Ugh, he's such a colossal jackass. I cannot believe he tried to undermine me like that in the meeting. I could have strangled him!"

"Just stay out of his way as much as you can. I'm sure he'll calm down once he sees what kind of work your team produces. You're doing great."

"Yeah, well... not so great actually. It turns out he was right. There was a report on a facility that came through very late on Friday, and one of my analysts went home sick, so I didn't get it in time for the meeting. That's the worst part: he was right, the bastard."

"Oh, Paloma. I'm so sorry. I'm sure that stung."

You let out a deep sigh. "I'll be okay. I just hope I get the chance to catch him making a mistake, and then I'll shove it in his stupid face. Make him lap it up with that ridiculous mustache of his."

Ginger giggled. "As much as I'd like to imagine that with you, I gotta run. Call me later? I miss you!"

"I miss you, too. 'Bye."

You hung up and spun your chair around, coming face to face with the sight of Agent Whiskey leaning in your office doorway. His arms were crossed casually, one foot propped over the other, looking like he could stand there all day. Your stomach leapt into your throat and then dropped down to your shoes. How much had he heard?

"Oh, kill me now," you breathed.

"Not just yet, darlin’. We have work to do." He popped up from his perch in the doorway and took a seat in one of your visitors chairs.

"How can I help you?" You kept your tone respectful, although it verged on frosty.

"Well, we need to revise the mission plan to include the new intelligence. Then we need to have a talk about civility."

You arched an eyebrow. "Oh, civility? I see. What kind of ‘civility’ did you have in mind, Agent Whiskey?"

"Well, for one, you can call me Jack. And for two, I was comin’ down here to apologize again, but apparently there's something you'd like to shove in my face and have me lap up with my ridiculous mustache?" He twitched one eyebrow up, looking smug and amused by the double entendre.

You closed your eyes and suppressed a groan. Maybe this was a hallucination and you were still in bed at home. Or maybe you hadn't actually left Louisville. You cracked one eyelid open, finding Whiskey’s deep brown eyes still on you. You decided to try to be the bigger person and smooth things over.

"I'm sorry. I was venting to a friend, and obviously that wasn't intended for your ears."

"Well now, I’m a big boy. I've heard worse and survived."

"I apologize. I let myself get irritated by your behavior in the meeting. It wasn't professional, and it won't happen again."

"Well, for my part, if I think you've made an error, I'll be sure to talk with you privately instead of calling you out in front of the team. Deal?" He stuck one broad, well-manicured hand out to shake.

You reached your own out somewhat reluctantly, then warmed to it, feeling how large and soft his hand was when it wrapped around your fingers. "Deal."

He gave your hand one final squeeze. An involuntary tingle ran up your arm, and you found yourself wondering whether he was as talented with his hands as he was smart with his mouth. Oh god, what was wrong with you?

You cleared your throat and pulled your hand away, trying not to jerk it back like he’d burned you.

“I’ll, um, I’ll have my team revise the mission plan to include the new intelligence, and then we’ll reconvene tomorrow. Sound good?”

“Sounds fine, darlin’.” He winked at you and you felt something flutter just below your navel.

---

Despite the conciliatory conversation with Whiskey, you still felt awkward and hurt, not to mention confused by some of the warmer feelings that had popped up uninvited. You spent the next six weeks trying to fly low and avoid Whiskey. You sent your senior analyst as your replacement for every meeting that you possibly could, and when you did have to attend them you timed your entrances and exits so that you wouldn't be in the conference room any longer than necessary. You transferred reports to Whiskey's office electronically, and when a hand-delivery was required you sent whoever happened to be closest to you. It worked great. You hadn't said more than "hello" and "goodbye" to Whiskey in so long, you were starting to feel like maybe you had escaped the awkwardness, the horrific start to your time in New York. It felt like a bad dream from another era.

One late Thursday afternoon, your plan fell apart. You got a request from Whiskey's assistant for a hard-copy file, and the entire office suite was empty. Each of your team members was off doing other things or had left early. You avoided it as long as you could, running to the ladies room to pee and then lingering in the hallway outside your office, just in case someone from your staff came back. After 10 long minutes you realized that you were "it" and that nobody was going to come save you. You sighed and trudged to the elevator. It seemed to move too quickly, depositing you at Whiskey's floor in no time flat.

As you rounded the corner you saw that Whiskey's assistant was gathering her things to leave for the day. After one too many disasters with "pretty young things," Champ had put his foot down and assigned someone to Whiskey who would keep him on the straight and narrow. Mary was what you called a "motherly hard-ass," while Ginger called her a “saint.” Mary had worked for Statesman almost as long as Champ, and she knew her stuff inside and out. Most importantly, she was completely immune to Whiskey's flirtations. He had tried once or twice to charm her, but after finding that her warm exterior concealed a brick wall of professionalism and a razor-sharp wit, he had relented.

"Hi Mary!" You kept your voice cheerful and light, trying to hide the twisting in your gut. "Here's the file he requested."

"Hi Paloma, you can go on in." Mary smiled wryly, "He actually asked to see you if you showed up. Sorry, kiddo, you're a lamb to the slaughter." She patted your back in sympathy.

Your shoulders slumped, "Ugh." Just as you were about to air your disgust in stronger words, Whiskey's door opened.

"Paloma! Glad to see you, darlin'. Come on in."

You shot Mary one last look, pleading for reprieve. She patted your shoulder and bid Whiskey a good night.

You forced your legs to move, and when you got inside Whiskey's office you perched on the edge of the sofa in the visitors area. Whiskey preferred to entertain visitors away from his desk, so he had a cozy corner of the office set up with two large chairs, a coffee table, and a black leather sofa that seemed to take up half the room.

You tossed the file on the table and spoke in a monotone that bordered on rude. "Brought you the file. Need anything else?"

Whiskey gestured to the bar cart. "Can I get you a drink, darlin'?"

"No." You shook your head. "But thank you."

Whiskey shrugged and poured himself something amber in a small glass. You couldn't take your eyes off his hands as they deftly maneuvered around the glassware and ice bucket. They reminded you a little of Frankie's hands: strong and thick, sure and precise in their movements. But where Frankie's hands were warm, work-worn and calloused, Whiskey's were primped and clean, just as manicured as his sharply tailored suits and slick mustache. You bit the inside of your lip to bring yourself back to reality before your brain could wander any farther down the path of what Whiskey's hands could do.

You focused your gaze on the file on the coffee table and waited. Whiskey settled himself into the big chair closest to your end of the couch.

"Paloma, darlin'. Thanks for coming up."

You cringed internally and tried to screw up the courage to ask him to just call you Paloma. The nickname of "darlin'" was starting to grate. For a moment you weren't sure if it was because you found it unprofessional or because you wanted to hear it more. Shit. What was wrong with you?

"What can I do for you, Agent Whiskey?"

"Please, call me Jack."

"What can I do for you?" You refused to give in, drawing your mental line in the sand. You could have a whole conversation with him without calling him Jack, couldn't you?

"Well now, I was hoping we could finally chat a bit - outside of a meeting, that is. You've been here almost two months and I'm sorry that I haven't taken the time to get to know you better." He winked.

You suppressed an eye roll and pursed your lips. "What would you like to know?"

You weren't going to make this easy for him, you decided. If he wanted information beyond your resume, or even a friendly conversation, he would have to work for it. You weren't simply going to open up like a flower under the sunshine of his charm.

"Well, I understand you're from Louisville. Beautiful place." He leaned forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his knees, trying to close the space between you.

"Yes." You scooted all the way to the back of the sofa and crossed your arms, somewhat amused at the difficulty you were giving him. He hadn't expressed any displeasure yet, but you were certain that he was going to get frustrated sooner or later.

"Well, darlin' I had no idea that we were growin' them so smart down there, not to mention so pretty. If I'd known, I would have lured you up here to the big city a lot sooner." He looked like he was about to wink again, or try to devour you.

"Is that so?" God, he was really buttering you up, wasn't he? You crossed one leg over the other, keeping your arms crossed over your chest for good measure.

"Yes, it is. I was awfully impressed by your analysis on the Rex Smith case ‘bout a year ago. I had no clue there were that many shell companies in the mix. I would've thought three, maybe four, tops. But you found thirteen!"

Your jaw dropped a little at that. Not only had he seen your work on your first case as Assistant Director in Louisville, but he had reviewed the case file thoroughly, remembered such a tiny detail, and was also giving you credit? You were starting to think that you had underestimated Agent Whiskey. His charm and sass were legendary, but you now realized that those traits didn’t indicate anything missing in the brains department.

He smirked at your reaction and teased you gently. "Better watch that mouth, darlin'. You're liable to catch a few flies if you don't close it."

Goddamn him. You closed your mouth and tried not to sulk. You didn't like making mistakes, especially not such idiotic ones. If you weren't careful, he was going to knock you on your ass.

"Can I get you that drink now, darlin'?"

"No, thank you. I need to get going." You uncrossed your legs and stood up. Whiskey stood at the same time, and you found yourself entirely too close to him, your bodies just inches apart as you tried to negotiate your exit from the seating area. Something warm that smelled like cedar and smoky bourbon was emanating off of him, and you were certain it was from the expensive side of the cologne department. His coffee-brown eyes held yours, and you caught yourself staring at him while your brain sent you panicky messages to, “Move! Speak! Leave!”

Whiskey let the moment hang, seeming to enjoy every second that passed like torture for you. His eyes were twinkling so hard you thought you saw sparks. You heard yourself exhale a breath that was far more shaky than you would have preferred. He put his hand out to shake yours, and you found yourself imagining what would happen if you bypassed the polite gesture and wrapped your arms and legs around him, knocked him to the floor and kissed that stupid mustache right off his face.

Instead, you reached out to shake his hand and accidentally brushed the front of his hip, just an inch from his crotch.

"Oh my GOD! That was an accident. I'm so sorry, I'm sorry!" You scrunched your eyes closed and buried your face in your hands. Mortification consumed you as you heard Whiskey guffaw. You felt like you were going to die of embarrassment, and you were pissed off that it wasn't a real possibility. Death would have been extremely welcome.

Whiskey put his hands on your shoulders and squeezed. His laughter died down to a soft wheeze. "Hey, look at me."

You dared a glance through your fingers. His eyes twinkled and his white teeth still showed in a wide smile. "I'm sorry I laughed, I know it was an accident. You weren't trying to take advantage."

You moaned and Whiskey chuckled again. "It's alright, darlin'. You didn't break anything."

“Argh! I’m so sorry. That’s the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done.”

“It’s okay, I didn’t think anything of it.” He pulled you gently toward him, and you did something you never imagined possible: you let him wrap you into a hug.

“I’ll forget it if you will, darlin’.” His deep voice rumbled against your body and you felt yourself melting a little. Tears of embarrassment pricked at your eyes.

You sniffed and pulled back. Whiskey let you go, but kept one hand on your elbow. He looked at you warmly and smiled. “Really, darlin’. Don’t think anything of it.”

You found yourself staring into his dark brown eyes, warm and shiny with humor. The mood shifted almost imperceptibly, turning him magnetic. Something in you snapped and you wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed him.

Whiskey hummed a surprised noise against your lips for a moment, then opened his mouth to let you in. His mustache was softer than it looked, and hardly tickled at all as you wrestled each other for satisfaction. You found yourself tumbling down to the couch. Whiskey lay over you with one strong arm wrapped around your lower back, keeping you pressed close against him. His lips and tongue were eager and searching, and you responded in kind, nibbling his plush lower lip and flicking your tongue across the back of his top teeth. The taste of his liquor intermingled with the scent of his cologne, and it sent your senses reeling. He tasted and smelled and felt so good, and you wanted to stay there and drink him in forever.

Your lips parted from Whiskey’s and you took a gulp of air, looking into his brown-black eyes above you. The inrush of oxygen kicked your brain into gear and you felt cold; both from the absence of Whiskey's mouth on yours and from the dose of harsh reality that washed over you. This was wrong... wasn't it? As good as it felt, it wasn't right to make out with the boss in his office, after hours, on a couch for God's sake. What the hell were you thinking?

"Oh, shit!" You shoved Whiskey's shoulders up and away, rolling him toward the back of the couch as you slithered out from underneath him. You landed on the floor, then crouched and stood up. Whiskey shifted on the sofa, turning to lay face up on the plush leather and folding his arms behind his head. His grin hovered somewhere between 'Cheshire cat' and 'kid let loose in a candy store.' You groaned at the sight while irritation and the desire to flop back down on top of him fought equally within you.

"Well now, darlin'. You need to be off somewhere?"

"Yes. This was not a good idea." You waved your hands in front of you as if you were trying to erase a blackboard. "I think I need to leave."

"Feel free to come back anytime, darlin'. I'll be right here."

You took three swift steps toward the door and then spun to face him. "I need you to stop calling me 'darlin''. My name here is Paloma."

He cocked one eyebrow at you as you continued. "And another thing, Agent Whiskey: this never happened."

Before he could respond you yanked his office door open and jogged to the elevator. What the hell was wrong with you?

---

"Ginger, you have got to help me. I don't know what's wrong with me." You shuddered out a breath as you kicked your shoes off and sat down at your kitchen table. At your elbow was the biggest drink you could pour without causing a hangover.

"Are you okay? What happened?"

You gulped. "I kissed him."

"What?! Why?"

"I don't know! I just... I was in his office and he was standing really close to me and then I went to go shake his hand but I accidentally touched his crotch and..." you trailed off as Ginger laughed. "It's not funny, it's embarrassing!"

She giggled at you. "That sounds kind of funny. You'll laugh about it later."

"I won't. I wanted to die of embarrassment, but then he was so nice about it and he was looking at me softly and I just- I kissed him! What the hell is wrong with me?"

"Try not to worry too much. You're not the first lady to make that mistake and you won't be the last. He'll forget about you as soon as someone else catches his eye.”

"Yeah, I know." You weren't sure if being one in a long string of women made you feel better or worse.

"… although it does seem like you have a ‘type’ now.”

“What?!”

“Well he is tall, dark, and handsome. If he weren’t such a jackass I’d say he reminds me of Frankie.”

“Oh, hell no. That is not a fair comparison. They’re nothing alike.”

“You’re right, Frankie was a gem. Listen, just avoid Whiskey and keep your eyes on your work. He'll forget about you and it'll be like it never happened. And as irritating as he is, I know he's not a gossip. Don't worry, this won't get around."

You threw back your head and let out a long breath. "Okay. You're right. All I have to do is my job."

"That's right. And you're really good at your job, Pal. Don't let this derail you, okay?"

"Okay. Thanks, Gin. I appreciate it."

"No problem. Listen, I have to go, but I wanted to tell you that I’ll be coming to New York next week. I have to do some training with, uh, a consultant. And when I’m done we can have a girl’s dinner out, okay? Just try to have a good weekend."

"Thanks, I will. You too."

You sighed and finished your drink. The idea of calling in sick tomorrow floated up, and you seriously considered it. But you had already spent six weeks avoiding Whiskey, and your integrity wouldn’t let you call out without a good reason. You could make it one day until the weekend, right?

---

You awoke Friday morning with a pounding headache and a cotton-dry mouth. You were dreading going to work, but duty called. You showered and dressed as slow as you dared, and found yourself dragging into the office only 15 minutes late. Fortunately, there was enough work to keep you distracted, and at your 10:00 department heads meeting you found out that Whiskey was out of the office for the day. Relief washed over you, and you suddenly felt lighter. You could survive until the weekend without worrying.

The rest of your day was uneventful until around 4:00, when an assistant brought you a vase of fresh flowers that had been delivered to reception. You frowned and looked for a card. The arrangement was beautiful, featuring dark yellow daisy-shaped flowers with fuzzy chocolate brown centers, and pinky-purple blooms shaped like bottle brushes. Both types looked oddly familiar. You leaned closer to examine them as your brain twisted in confusion. Were those...? No way... orange coneflowers and dense blazing stars? Who the heck would send you an arrangement of Kentucky wildflowers? Mom? It wasn't your birthday yet.

You felt an icy ball of lead punch you in the stomach as you opened the notecard: "Even though nothing happened, I had a hell of a time. Hope to see you again. -Jack"

That motherfucker.

Just as you were about to sweep the flowers into the trash, there was a heavy knock on your doorway. You looked up, and your emotions spun from anger to elation so fast you almost threw up. Frankie stood in your doorway, looking soft and rumpled in a plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, his sweet curls escaping the same well-loved baseball cap he always wore.

"Frankie!?" You leapt out of your chair and practically ran to him. He swept you up in a bear hug and pulled you six inches off the ground. "Oh my God, Frankie, I'm so glad to see you!"

"Hey, Paloma. I missed you. How's the big promotion? They make you head of the New York office yet?" His deep voice rumbled into your ear softly, and you laughed with joy. You never wanted to let go.

Frankie set you down and broke the embrace, and you immediately grabbed his hand and guided him to one of your visitors chairs. You took a seat in the chair next to him, turning it to face him and get as close as you dared without looking too desperate.

"Oh my gosh, what are you doing here?"

"I'm doing a quick consulting job for Statesman, helping Ginger train a few folks for an extraction. I have to work on the project Monday and Tuesday, and then I'll be in town until Saturday as a tourist. I took the whole week off, so I don't need to be back in Florida until next Sunday." He smiled broadly at you.

You felt your own face split into a wide grin. "Do you need a tour guide? I've been here two whole months. I can show you my favorite coffee shop and we could go to a few museums."

He smiled warmly back at you, and you felt like you had been wrapped in the world's softest blanket. "I'd like that. Statesman gave me an apartment for the week. Should be close by, if you don't mind showing me where it is?" He pulled a slip of paper out of his wallet and read the address.

You threw your head back and cackled.

"What's so funny?"

"That's my apartment! Statesman owns a few units in the same building." You grabbed the piece of paper from his hand to read the apartment number. "You're literally one floor below me for the week."

He grinned. "Well, shit. If I'd known that, I would’ve just told them to let me bunk with you."

You frowned and handed the paper back. "Wouldn't your girlfriend be upset with that?"

Frankie looked down at his shoes. "She's, uh, not my girlfriend anymore. We broke up."

"Oh, Catfish. I'm so sorry." You reached out to squeeze his forearm, and the feel of his warm skin over ropey muscles made you tingle. You vividly remembered how much you used to love grabbing those forearms as he pounded into you, how good they felt wrapped around you in the shower, how strong and safe Frankie felt at all times. You pulled your hand back and cleared your throat.

Frankie stood. "Listen, I gotta take care of a few things this afternoon, but can we go to dinner later? Nothing fancy, if you know anyplace I can go dressed like this," he gestured to his worn jeans and work boots.

"Unless, uh,” he pointed to the flowers on your desk. “Is there a boyfriend who would be mad if I took you out?"

You stood and smiled, biting your lip. "No. There’s no boyfriend, and I'd love to go to dinner. I'll come down to your apartment and pick you up at 7:00? 7:30?"

"Seven is perfect." He hugged you, and the smell of him spun you right back to Louisville. Frankie smelled like clean cotton and hard work, with a faint whiff of mechanic's grease just under the scent of his laundry soap and Old Spice deodorant. You used to tease Frankie about his habit of buying the same deodorant that he’d been using since junior high, but he always swatted you away with a, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Now the scent of it made you want to buy every package in the world and always have the smell around you.

When you broke the embrace it was so hard to let go, to not lean in for a kiss like you used to. He seemed to feel it, too, lingering just a moment longer with his arms wrapped around you and smiling wistfully as you finally pulled apart. You wanted to stay in his arms for hours, maybe even stow away on his flight back to Florida.

“I’ll see you at seven, Paloma.”

You felt your goofy grin reappear. “Okay. I’m so glad you’re here, Catfish.”

---

The hours until dinner crawled, and you spent more time than you thought wise trying to get ready. You showered and put on your nicest outfit, which was really just the all-black, most-recently-purchased version of your normal work clothes. Your job at Statesman didn’t call for anything very dressy, so you hadn’t expanded your wardrobe beyond work staples. Still, you spent entirely too long arranging your hair, sweeping it one way and then the other, trying to figure out what jewelry to wear, and then changing your hair again for the third time. You were contemplating another shoe change when your phone alarm went off, warning you that it was five minutes to 7:00. Oh, well, too late to change anything now. You brushed your teeth frantically and hoped Frankie wouldn’t care.

You floated down the stairwell and found yourself grinning idiotically as you rapped at Frankie’s door. He opened it looking exactly the same as he had at 4:00 that afternoon, and you chastised yourself internally for trying to dress up. Your irritation turned to pride, however, when Frankie looked you up and down with a low whistle.

“Jeez, Paloma, you look fantastic. Should I change?” He looked worried.

“No, you look fine! We’re not going anywhere fancy, I promise. I don’t know why I changed clothes, it was silly.”

“No, you look amazing.” He opened his arms for a hug. You felt warmth rush to your face as you leaned in. Frankie was always so eager to please and to compliment you, to make you feel good. You had missed him so much.

The walk to dinner was easy, conversation bouncing between the two of you as you made your way to the restaurant. Frankie filled you in on everything going on in Florida, about his friends and his parents and his job. You spoke enthusiastically about your new position and how much you loved New York. You decided not to share information about either one of your run-ins with Agent Whiskey.

Dinner passed in a swirl of giggles and wine and good food. Frankie made you laugh so hard you almost choked twice, and before you knew it, nearly three hours had passed.

“Frankie, I think the restaurant is going to kick us out if we don’t scoot soon. Do you want to go walk around a little bit?”

He drained his water glass and nodded. “Yeah, where to?”

“We can window shop down the street, and there’s a cute little park nearby.” You arched one eyebrow at him, “Wanna go play on the swings?”

He laughed and nodded. “Yes, let’s do that.”

You fought Frankie for the bill before letting him win. “Okay, but the next one is on me, Catfish.”

When you emerged into the summer night, you both took a deep breath, trying to clear your heads of the alcohol haze. You weren’t drunk, just pleasantly buzzed and a little silly. Without thinking, you tucked your arm into Frankie’s and snuggled yourself against him as you wandered along. Store windows were lit up against the dark, and you stopped here and there to look and giggle at displays.

You paused in front of an antique store. The window behind the bars was lined in red velvet, and on each of the little red display pillows sat a piece of vintage jewelry.

You were quietly gazing at an enamel bracelet and a sparkly tiara when Frankie’s voice broke the silence.

“You ever want one of those?”

“A tiara? No. I mean, it might be fun for a hot bubble bath, but I can’t exactly wear it to work.”

“No,” he nudged your arm and tilted his chin toward the far left side of the store window. “An engagement ring.”

You froze and suddenly couldn’t breathe. Your eyes shifted to a sparkly, square-cut sapphire ring sitting on the smallest pillow. You couldn’t form rational thoughts, and you weren’t sure exactly what kind of answer Frankie was expecting.

“I mean- uh, I guess I never thought about it. I haven’t seen anyone since we-” you swallowed hard. “I’ve been single since we broke up.”

You couldn’t bring yourself to look at him, and when he didn’t respond right away you found yourself filling the silence with nervous chatter. “I mean, I tried dating but it never went past a second date, and I don’t know anyone who would propose that early, and anyway I just- I mean I didn’t think- and you left so I didn’t…” you trailed off, realizing that you weren’t making any sense.

Frankie’s voice was low and serious. “I thought about it.”

That broke the spell and you turned to face him. “You thought about it? About me?”

He looked at you, almost shy. “Yeah, I thought about it a couple of months after we started dating. But with your job and my work, and… Well, you know what happened. You were there, same as I was.” He reached out a hand to cup your chin. “I was sorry it didn’t work out for us.”

You sighed and melted into him, “Oh, Frankie.”

He wrapped both arms around your shoulders as you gripped his waist. Your mouths found each other in the dark as if your last kiss had been yesterday. Frankie was warm and solid and familiar, and you found yourself aching to hang on to him, to keep him there with you for as long as you could.

You stood on the sidewalk together for what seemed like hours, exploring each other and passing silent messages back and forth with your lips and tongues and teeth. Slow swirls of the tip of his tongue around yours told you he missed you, and the tiny nips you bit against his bottom lip conveyed an urgency, a need that you couldn't express in words. You found your fingers entwined in his belt loops, pulling him as close as you could, mimicking the kind of connection that really required nakedness and absolute vulnerability together.

You turned sideways to loop your arm around his waist and walk unsteadily back to your apartment building, stealing kisses again and again as you strolled, then paused, then continued on your way. The trip took twice as long as it should have, but neither you nor Frankie was willing to break apart for longer than it took to step down off a curb or glance at a walk signal. You just kept kissing, drunk on each other and wanting more and more; silently cursing the fact that the apartment was still so far away, but reveling in the moments that you could seize right now to embrace each other as you walked.

When you reached your block, you murmured against Frankie’s mouth. “Do you have anything? I don’t have any protection at home.”

He cursed softly, “Shit. No, I didn’t bring…” He didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence as you kissed him again.

“Don’t worry, that’s why I asked. There’s a drugstore right here.”

“I always knew-” he kissed you softly, “... that you were smarter than me.”

You giggled against his mouth and wrapped your arms around his neck. “You’re the one who can fly helicopters. I just stare at data reports all day.”

You walked into the pharmacy holding hands and made it through the checkout line in record time, urgently kissing again when you reached the sidewalk, navigating the final dozen or so yards to your building.

The elevator ride consisted of one long kiss, broken only by Frankie’s urgent, “Mine or yours?” You murmured, “Mine,” and pressed the button for your floor, folding yourself back into his arms. You unlocked your front door while Frankie held you from behind and peppered kisses down your ear and cheek and jaw, distracting you as you fumbled with your keys. When you finally got the door open, you tumbled inside together and slammed the door shut.

Now that you were someplace private, you could undress, fumbling against one another as you struggled to open buttons and zippers and bra clasps in between kisses; to continue your soft caresses while you kicked shoes and pants off and away. Finally you were both standing, wearing only underwear while you continued to embrace. You pulled away from Frankie and picked up the box of condoms where it had dropped, then you took his hand and led him to your bedroom.

You tumbled onto the bed together and continued the makeout session that had started miles away and what seemed like an eternity ago in front of the antique store window. Frankie’s strokes along your ribcage and thighs were light and almost ticklish, so familiar that you wanted to cry. You had no expectations of getting back together and attempting a long-distance relationship, but he was here right now. And that was good, right? It was familiar and lovely and sweet.

Frankie hadn’t changed a bit since you parted 10 months ago, except for a few more grays in his beard and one or two more crinkles when he smiled. You ached and ached for him, even though he was right on top of you, kissing you and touching you and murmuring your name. Your brain kept raising the idea of what would happen in a week when he had to leave, or what might have happened a year ago if Statesman hadn’t demanded so much from both of you. The knowledge that you had missed becoming Frankie’s wife because of shitty circumstances, combined with the threat of losing him again in just a few days time punched you in the throat, and a sob escaped your lips as tears sprang to your eyes.

“What’s wrong, babe? Did I hurt you?” Frankie looked you over, rolling to one side to examine your face with a worried scowl. He propped himself up on one elbow and hovered over you.

“No, I’m just-” You sniffed back another sob. “I just wasn’t expecting to see you, and I’m so glad you’re here. It’s just a lot, that’s all.”

He brushed a tear from your cheek. “We don’t have to do this right now; not if you don’t want to. I didn’t come here with the expectation that you would jump back into bed with me.”

Your heart leapt at that. Same old sweet Frankie, doing everything he could to treat you tenderly, to care for you. You knew that if you tried to explain everything you were feeling, he would probably take it personally. Frankie hated to see you hurting, and doubly so if he thought he was the one who had caused it.

“I might just need a minute. I’m okay, I promise. It’s just been a weird week.”

You decided to joke, to lighten the mood and try to ease Frankie’s worry. “My old boyfriend is back in town, and I just found out that I missed out on him being my husband, and I also kind of kissed my boss yesterday, so I’m not in a real ‘steady’ place right now.”

Frankie frowned at that. “You kissed Bill?”

“Oh, no! No, not my boss-boss.” You paused, unsure of whether or not Frankie would hate you for your next words. “I kissed Agent Whiskey.”

Frankie’s eyebrows nearly leapt off his forehead, but he didn’t sit up or let go of you. He didn’t run out of the room screaming. “Is there something I should know?”

“It was a mistake. I was in his office and I accidentally touched his crotch-” Frankie’s eyebrows raised another impossible inch as you continued, “Truly an accident, a horrible, embarrassing accident. And then I think I just felt really vulnerable and lonely and I kissed him.”

Frankie nodded. “It happens, I guess.” He looked at you tenderly. “Although I’ve never kissed my boss. He always has food in his beard.” You erupted in giggles and tucked your face against Frankie’s chest. He stroked your arm and shoulder, laughing against your hair.

Your giggles subsided, and you rolled away from Frankie, laying on your stomach and folding your arms under your chin. You sighed and turned your face to him. “I am glad you’re here, though. I really missed you.” You paused, trying to formulate your next words.

“It took me a long time to get over you, and I’m honestly not sure I ever did. If we hadn’t both had so much work and conflicting schedules, if things had been different-” Frankie leaned over and cut you off with a soft kiss.

“You don’t have to tell me how things could have been different.” He stroked your temple. “After we broke up I just couldn’t handle working around you. I didn’t hate you, I just had to leave. It hurt too much to stay.”

“I’m sorry, Frankie.”

“No, don’t apologize. It wasn’t you, it wasn’t me, it was just life.” Frankie leaned over and kissed your cheek, stroking your back with feather-light touches, raising goosebumps as silence settled over the both of you.

His touch felt amazing, conjuring electricity where his fingers met your skin. Tingles started to form in your pelvis and you found your breath shuddering in time with Frankie’s caresses. You sat up and moved to straddle him, entwining your fingers with his and pinning his hands to the bed next to his ears.

Neither one of you spoke as you rolled your hips gently on his and stole kiss after kiss, feeling his erection grow and press harder against your vulva, still separated by the fabric of both your underwear and his. Finally you broke your grip on his hands and Frankie reached up to cup your breasts. You arched your back to press yourself into his palms, and your nipples stiffened with the friction and the heat of his touch. You grabbed the backs of his hands and pressed them harder against you, as if you could multiply the sensations that were zipping through your body.

You leaned down for another kiss and then swung your leg off and over him. You stood next to the bed and pulled your panties off, then reached over Frankie to grip his waistband. He lifted his hips to assist you, and when his cock sprung free you nearly gasped at how much you missed him and missed this, the intimacy and the raw electricity and the closeness. You reached out to stroke his length a few times, running the pad of your thumb gently up the underside and over his slit. He was damp there, but not leaking yet, and you let go only to grab the box of condoms and rip it open.

“Here,” you handed him a foil packet and let him put it on. When he was covered you gripped him again and gave him three firm, slow pumps, pulling a moan out of the deepest part of his chest. You straddled him again and hovered over him, making eye contact as you lined up to insert him, taking him into the most intimate part of you. He stroked one large hand from your knee to your ass, then cupped both cheeks and pulled you slightly apart to help guide him in. You closed your eyes and let out a soft hiss as he entered. Everything felt so good and familiar, like no time had passed at all, like he had never left.

When you were fully seated on him, you placed your palms on his shoulders for leverage, watching with delight as the tendons in his neck flexed and his Adam’s apple bobbed, veins throbbing on either side of his beautiful throat as you rode him. He reached one hand down to thumb your clit, pressing and petting it and drawing whimpers from you as the pleasure swelled within you. Neither one of you spoke as you gazed into each other, moving together in a practiced rhythm, increasing the pace and the tempo and the force until you were shaking the whole bed. Then your head spun and you found yourself crying out his name as you climaxed around him. You slumped over him and buried your face in his neck, that gorgeous soft crook between his throat and his shoulder. He braced his feet and thrust up into you. Chills wracked your body as you squeezed and fluttered around his cock. He grunted and clenched his jaw, “I’m coming.” And then he pulled you closer and froze, holding you there as he filled the condom. When he relaxed his thighs and arms, you reached down and gripped the base of the condom to keep it on him as you rolled sideways and off.

You both lay staring at the ceiling, recovering your breath, trying to remember where you were and why anything outside of your shared pleasure mattered.

---

Frankie stayed at your apartment all weekend. The two of you kissed and caressed, showered and fucked, made breakfasts and dinners, watched movies and slept curled together, until you almost forgot how much you had missed each other, almost forgot the fact that he would have to leave.

On Monday you and Frankie walked to the office together and kissed at the front desk, parting ways for the day. You ran into Ginger in the hallway and squealed and gave her a hug. She smiled at you and wiggled her eyebrows. “Did you see who our consultant is for this project?”

“Yes! He came by my office on Friday and we went to dinner.” You leaned over to lower your voice and murmur, “And we spent all weekend together.”

Ginger laughed and you grinned and rolled your eyes. “It’s nice. I don’t know if we’re ‘back together’ or anything, but I’ll have fun hanging out with him while he’s here.”

Ginger bit her lip, “I’m glad. I know you guys really missed each other, but I’m happy you can see him while he’s here.”

“Me, too.”

You and Ginger made plans to have lunch together that afternoon, and your mood was light as you entered your office. It dampened a bit when you saw the flowers from Whiskey that were still sitting there. And it dropped further when you saw a note from one of your staff saying that Whiskey had requested that you come see him when you arrived this morning. You decided that you would just have to treat him like nothing had happened, and keep your head up. After all, you were on cloud nine with Frankie in town, so what’s the worst that could happen?

You found Mary’s desk empty, so you squared your shoulders and knocked on Whiskey’s door. He could try to irritate you all he wanted, but you were going to be cool as a cucumber.

When he opened the door, Whiskey grinned at you and motioned you in. You opted to stand next to his desk with your arms crossed. If this was business, you would keep it businesslike. He walked up to you and raised an eyebrow, still grinning like a fool.

You looked at him and frowned. What was his deal?

He started the conversation cryptically, “Well?”

“Well what?”

“Did you get my flowers?”

You opted for the driest tone you could, “Yes. Thank you.”

He nodded, “Good. Listen, darlin’-”

You interrupted him. “Paloma.”

“Right, Paloma. I’d love to take you out to dinner sometime and apologize again for behaving like a jackass in that meeting a few weeks back.” He placed both of his large, warm hands on your arms and squeezed. “If we could see our way clear to some kind of understanding, I think I’d like it very much if we could-” a knock on his door cut him off.

Mary opened it and stuck her head in. “Agent Whiskey? I have the consultant here for your 9:00 meeting.”

Whiskey hissed out a breath and sounded disappointed. “Right.”

You pounced on the opportunity to escape. “I’ll just get going.”

Mary opened the door all the way and Frankie walked halfway in, freezing at the sight of you and Whiskey standing so close together. Guilt creeped up, even though you had no reason to feel that way, and you fought the urge to apologize to Frankie.

You and Agent Whiskey spoke at the same time, words jumbling together as Frankie approached to shake hands with Whiskey.

“Hi, Agent Whiskey. You can call me Ja-”

“Frankie, hi. I was just-”

“Oh, do you two already know-”

“We used to-”

You found yourself standing next to them as they shook hands and sized each other up. Your own discomfort was so strong that you almost didn’t notice that they were jostling each other as if they were fighting for dominance. A strange energy settled over the three of you as they stared at each other. If you didn’t know any better, you would have said it felt like they were fighting over you.

“Whiskey, this is Frankie Morales. He and I used to work-” Frankie cut you off, something he normally would never do, and his next words mortified you.

“Paloma and I used to date when we worked together in Louisville.”

You groaned. You weren’t embarrassed that you had dated Frankie, but the less information Whiskey had about your personal life, the better.

“Is that so? Well, I didn’t know that.” Whiskey’s voice was as smooth as the leather on his couch, and he cocked an eyebrow at you. Instead of irritating you, it had the effect of sending a flutter to your crotch. You gulped, hard.

Whiskey turned back to Frankie. “Any big plans while you’re here in New York?”

“Paloma and I are going out.”

“We’re what?” Your voice was louder than you had meant it to be and both men turned to look at you. You felt stunned by the double gaze, the two pairs of dark brown eyes, the strong noses and lovely mouths; features so similar to one another now that you saw them together. Maybe Ginger was right, maybe you did have a “type.”

Your brain did a somersault, throwing up the most shocking and simultaneously wonderful idea, and you wished you could banish the thought back to whatever delicious hellhole it had sprung from. You almost burst into tears, thinking that the stress of your job had finally broken your brain. Under normal circumstances, the idea and all of its implications would have been curious, but under the current circumstances it was absolutely ridiculous. The absurd, impossible word had popped into your head entirely uninvited: “Threesome.”

Frankie and Whiskey stared at you for three long, agonizing seconds, then they both spoke the same word at the same time.

“WHAT?”

“Oh, shit. Did I say that out loud?” ---

"Paloma" Series Masterlist Just-here-for-the-moment’s masterlist

Tag list: (Please message me if you're on here and don't want to be!)

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[the-bau-quinjet]

Nice to meet you, where you been?

Chapter 2 of In Breakable Heaven!

Summary: Reader becomes acquainted with some members of the BAU.

Warnings: none that I can think of!

Word Count: ~1900

Penny came back out to the foyer, handing you the oversized t-shirt and shorts you left here last time you slept over. You pulled them on quickly, following Penny to the living room where you instantly realized, it was more than just you, Penny, and the tall man in the apartment. You stopped moving as you took in the additional new faces. You had never met Penny’s team before, but she had talked about them a ton. You blushed again thinking of how you must look a mess right now.

“Everyone, this is Y/N! She is my very best friend and she is very sad so we are going to cheer her up.” Penny started the introductions. “Y/N, this is Derek Morgan, Jennifer Jareau aka JJ, and Emily Prentiss.” You took in the names as Penny went around the room. Eyes bouncing between a very muscular bald man and two of the most attractive women you’ve ever seen. “Oh, and for a more formal introduction, this is Dr. Spencer Reid, although you two met at the door.” Your eyes attempted to meet his again, but he was staring at the ground. You couldn’t help the whisper that escaped your lips “Doctor.”

 Either the profilers didn’t hear it, or chose to ignore it, along with the blush forming on your cheeks yet again. You looked around the room again and couldn’t stop yourself from speaking your thoughts. “God, is it a requirement to be hot as hell to work for the FBI?” Everyone laughed as you threw your hand over your mouth, eyes widening. “Oh God. That’s embarrassing. It’s true though, what a good looking team.” That earned more laughter form the group.

  It was clear they were all wondering why you had just sobbed into their coworkers adorable sweater vest. You waited a beat hoping someone would say something. But since they were all staring at you, and you hate awkward silences, you couldn’t help but blurt out “today was my 3 year anniversary with my boyfriend,” Not noticing the slight frown appear on Spencer’s face, you continued “but I went over to his place and found him in bed with another woman. So now I am very drunk.” Their faces all softened, offering slight words of encouragement as you sunk into the sofa and picked up the bottle of white wine from the table. Not even bothering with a glass, you started drinking again. You drank nearly half the bottle before taking a breath.

 “Woah” you heard someone say, but honestly you didn’t know who. “Why don’t we play a game or something? Maybe switch to water so you don’t completely hate yourself tomorrow?” You realized it was JJ talking. “I am always down – hiccup – for a game. I must warn you, I am extremely competitive though. Plus, I don’t get hungover so I’ll be fine.” You looked at their disbelieving faces. “Fine” you muttered, annoyed at having to explain this again, “I’ll switch to water for a bit. But only because I want to win.”

 Penny went to get the cards, confirming your statement “Y/N is right ya know. She has never been hungover. I’ve seen her drink countless tequila shots, chase them each with a wine cooler and clean her entire apartment before 8 AM the next day.”

 “Impressive.” Derek smirked as he looked at you.

 “What can I say? It really boosts my productivity.” The room chuckled as the hot doctor chimed in.

 “Your liver is responsible for breaking down all the alcohol you consume into an enzyme called acetaldehyde, the toxin responsible for hangovers. Recent studies have shown about 23% of people are able to break down the acetaldehyde much faster resulting in little to no hangover symptoms. Whether or not you experience hangovers is based 45% on genetics.” You looked over to him, wildly impressed with the first words you’ve heard him say.

 “What’s the other 55% based on?” You asked, intrigued to finally know why you don’t actually experience hangovers. He looked surprised as he met your eyes for the first time since you entered the room.

 “It’s actually a mixture of volume of alcohol, water, and food consumption.” You chuckled as he said this.

 “Well, it must be genetics for me because there are a few times I remember making very bad choices…” You felt the thought slip away as Dr. Spencer Reid smiled at you.

 “How can she even do simple math right now? Based on the story she’s had 10 drinks in the last 3 hours?” Emily whispered to JJ and Derek. They exchanged glances as Penny finally sat back down with the cards.

 “What should we play?” She asked the room, but mostly you. You could already feel your competitive edge creeping in as you tore your eyes from Spencer’s to suggest one of your favorite group games. “Egyptian Rat Screw!” It should be especially fun since you were all drinking. Nobody seemed to know the game though, so you quickly explained the rules as you took the cards to shuffle and deal.

 “Remember, whoever gets all the cards wins. Slap sandwiches and doubles. Royals have the special rules we just talked about. If you slap and there’s nothing there, you have to put a card in the bottom of the pile.” You said as everyone got situated around the table unsure what to expect. “Ready?” you asked, a mischievous grin on your face.

 --

 After winning the first two games you couldn’t help but tease everyone “I am definitely the drunkest one here. I thought a group of FBI agents would have better reaction times!” You giggled as everyone laughed along with you. You dealt the cards into five piles, one for each agent. “No cards for you?” Derek asked. “Nope.” You popped the “p” as you took in their confused faces. “I’m going to start with no cards and see if I still win.” There was a clear competitive glint in your eyes, with a matching smirk.  They seemed disbelieving that you would pull out another win, but continued along with the game.

 You hadn’t even tried slapping the table until there was only Spencer and Derek left with cards. Emily, JJ, and Penelope were chatting aimlessly, having lost interest a few minutes ago. You sat up and stared at the ever growing pile of cards. The whole game was basically memorizing the order of cards, or at least the general timeline. You knew as soon as Derek played his jack, Spencer would follow with an identical card. As you spotted the first jack hit the pile, Derek taunted Spencer “Haha pretty boy, one chance to get a royal or I’m pulling in the big pile.” The two of them seemed to have forgotten that you could get back in the game. Spencer smiled as he flipped over what you knew to be a jack. It was clear from the smirk on his face he knew it was a jack as well. What he didn’t count on was your cat-like reflexes slapping the pile before he could finish laughing at Derek’s sad face.

 The two of them looked shocked as you picked up the cards, readying them for the next set of flipping. “Damn girl, I thought you forgot how to play.” Derek laughed at the smug grin you were wearing. He only had two cards left. Easily knocking Derek from the game, he joined the side conversation being had in the kitchen as he resigned to another round lost. You turned to Spencer, almost whispering “Looks like it’s just you and me, Doctor.” Spencer looked up from his cards stating, “you sound pretty confident considering your opponent has an eidetic memory and knows the exact order of both our hands.” You stuck your tongue out as you placed your first card. “Not fair.”

 Minutes passed as the game drew on, neither player really making an advance. You yawned as you flipped another card onto the table, losing focus for just a second. Reid recognized the pattern emerging, getting ready to slap after your next card. You forgot to look at the potential for a sandwich, playing your next card. You noticed it a second to late as you slapped your hand down. Spencer beat you too it though, and when your hand landed it was on top of his. You didn’t move at first, shocked to have lost so many cards at once. Spencer was gloating as you picked up his hand and put it on top of yours.

 He finally looked down to see you pulling the cards toward you before jumping up to get them back. You held the cards close to your heart, faking the offense you felt at his suggestion that you would cheat, despite your very obvious cheating. When he reached for the cards, you backed up into the couch, holding them above your head. He knelt over you, leaning forward to reach your outstretched hand, forgetting for just a second that he really didn’t know you at all and being this close should make him uncomfortable.

 You shrieked as he tickled your sides to pull the cards in. He was gloating yet again as he pulled them from your grasp, not realizing how close the two of you had become. The two of you froze yet again as you felt that same magnetic force as earlier pulling you closer as you looked into his eyes. He cleared his through as he sat up, returning to his seat to finish the game. 

The two of you continued the game until you only had a few cards left. “It appears as though your winning streak is quickly coming to an end.” Spencer joked with you, playing a queen. He was clearly trying to ease whatever tension was lingering from your couch experience. You glanced at the cards in the middle of the table. It must have been 45 cards in the pile. You switched tactics to playing the cards as quick as possible to prevent another mistake.

A queen meant playing two cards in a row. You knew you had two sevens in a row in your hand, so you were ready to take him down. You glanced up stating “Rule 1: The Doctor lies.” You stated matter-of-factly as you flipped over your first seven. “Oh, and don’t blink.” You said, playing the second and slapping it before he finished comprehending your two Doctor Who references. You just had an instinctual feeling that Doctor Who would distract him.

 You finished the game with relative ease as the others made their way back into the room. You celebrated as you took the rest of his cards, completing the game and adding another tally to the mental scoreboard you had in your head. As everyone sat back down, you put the cards away. It was now 12:30 in the morning and suddenly you were exhausted. You rose from your seat, putting your coat back on your shoulders. “I should go home” you said, earning stares from everyone.

 “You are completely welcome to stay the night here!” Penelope said as you continued preparing to leave.

 “Thank you, Penelope, but I already feel so much better.” You chanced a glance at Spencer to see him staring right back. “I want to go home and lay in my bed and throw all his stuff out the window. Plus I could really use some fresh air right now.” Everyone started to verbally object now. Sometimes you forgot what Penelope does for a living and how much she’s seen. “No really, I’ll be fine.” You continued, “I live in The City Block, it’s only half a mile from here!” This did nothing to satisfy the worried looks on the five faces staring back at you.

 “That’s on the way to my building.” Spencer stated. “I’ll walk with you, okay?” You looked up, surprised. Slowly a small smile appeared on your face. “Okay.” Somehow that was all you could manage. Everyone said their goodbyes as you and Spencer made your way out of the apartment and started walking down the street.

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9 Erotic Bucket List Adventures That Aren't Sex

Sex sells and that's on Little Bo Peep.

Kiarra Sylvester

Jul. 12, 2022 07:00AM EST

Sex sells! That’s on Little Bo Peep, Mary and her little lamb, and whoever else. We see it all over the television and even outside of it. These days, novelty experiences are on the rise and are no longer reserved for bachelor and bachelorette parties! Folks can enjoy erotic outings and ideas any time, any place. And social media is making it easier than ever to sell these products and experiences in new and intriguing ways. Seriously, do phallic- and p*ssy-shaped desserts not make for Instagram-worthy content? 

Is it not aesthetically eye-catching to add those things to our Instagram Stories and feeds? It’s very similar to the popularization of selfie museums, in my opinion. They were popular by themselves but because of the new influencer agenda on social media – everyone can be someone – it makes specific experiences appear to be richer. Leave it to someone like myself, a sexuality enthusiast, if you will – the person whose friends send all the raunchy, wild content to because in their mind there’s no limit – to find a good sex novelty experience.

My documentation of my trip to New York’s Museum of Sex was followed by my TikTok algorithm recommending a bakery in NYC that sells vulva pastries. It made me wonder how many other fun places like these existed in the world. Though there are many, I compiled a list of 9 novelty sex experiences that would make the teenaged version of you that used to frequent Spencer's blush.

Kinky's Dessert Bar

New York, New York

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Black-owned and specializing in tasty goodies that are as sweet as they are sexy, Kinky’s Dessert Bar comes in at the top of the list! This adorable little pink shop is vibrant and fun-looking with a name to match it – who wouldn’t want to stop by? Alas, those under 18 aren’t allowed inside, and for good reason. However, if you are old enough to ride this ride, don’t leave feeling teased – try one of their explicit waffles, cupcakes, or cookies. 

Booze and Nudes 

Dallas, Texas

Booze and Nudes used to be a whole movement that began in Atlanta, however, it seems the OG promoters stopped doing this event. It garnered so much traction in ATL that they took this act on the road (trust me, I know). I’ve been pressed to find another one ever since but only recently found this new one based in Dallas. By far one of the most fun girls' night out experiences I had – dick swinging and all – it was like a less intense strip club (which is welcomed) combined with a sip and paint. The dates here are limited, so try it out while tickets last.

Museum of Sex

New York, New York

​This museum covers a wide variety of sexuality-related topics rather than finding any one niche. And, the Museum of Sex also doubles as a novelty store as well making for a one-stop-shop. My favorite part about this museum is they switch out their funtivity every now and then, at one point there was a booby bounce house. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that they will run it back!

Members Only Waffle House 

Toronto, Canada

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If you’re a U.S. resident looking for an excuse outside of Carabana to visit Toronto, here it goes! Similar to Kinky’s Dessert Bar, Members Only brings all the boys and girls to the yard with their phallic-shaped waffles. However, they have also expanded into making other NSFW treats, most notably ones featuring female genitalia, because balance.

Red Light Secrets 

Antique Vibrator Museum

San Francisco, California

I would love to make a trip to visit the Antique Vibrator Museum, as masturbation via sex toys is one of my favorite topics. This museum is run by Good Vibrations and in all fairness, it’s just one small room so it’s probably best to plan this trip around other things to do if you are ever in San Fran. However, it’s still worth visiting to be able to see up close and personal the transition of vibrators along with the sexist history that they harbor.

Philly Naked Bike Ride

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

​Though the Naked Bike Ride occurs in multiple cities and countries, I first discovered this event living in Philadelphia. As much as I love riding bikes and being naked, I’ll be the first to admit this isn’t my forte as a combined act. Bike seats are already so comfortable so just imagine. Nevertheless, I’ve heard it’s nothing less than an experience. Plus, the purpose is to advocate for body positivity and eco-efficient options, and who doesn’t like nudity for a good cause?

Leather Archives and Museum 

Chicago, Illinois

Leather Archives and Museum is committed to highlighting the leather, kink, fetish, and BDSM history through their exhibits. Not only is this a fun stop to make if you’re ever in the Chicago area, but it also brings better understanding to a community that is often misunderstood.

In addition to its architecture and canals, Amsterdam is most known for its liberal attitude towards sex and drugs. Their wild nightlife scene points to them being a city that is forever young, wild, and free. But specific to sex, they are known for legalized sex work which occurs in the Red Light District. Red Light Secrets in particular talks about the history of sex work which I think is great considering how stigmatized it is, despite the whole sex sells bit. But, the most fun part about this experience is that it’s located in an old brothel! 

Seattle Erotic Art Festival 

Seattle, Washington

This is a multimedia art festival showcasing the erotic via visual arts, performance, film, and literary art. Though the time to attend for 2022 has come and gone, the festival has already released dates for 2023. If all goes well with the world, you can expect to attend on April 21-23. This event has a minimum age of 21, so be sure to leave the kiddos behind for this sweet getaway.

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Kiarra Sylvester

Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.

Sent from my iPhone

[achairwithapandaonit]

first, Happy valentines day :DDD

second, sorry it's been so long since i last checked up on you i guess it was on January??? Im not sure but i believe it's been a month and im sorry but here i am to check up on you :DDDDDDD

OKAAAAAAAAAY LET'S GET TO BUSINESS!!! How was your week ??? How is your day ??? Did you eat well ???? Are you hydrated ???? How are you feeling lately ???? Are you being comfortable or is there something bothering you ???? If you are then i hope you always keep up happy ^^ if there is something that's bothering you i just wanted to let you know that you are not apone and there alot of poeple around here that will always support you and stand by your side

Have a great day <333

:D happy valentines day!

also dw about not checking in :P real life is hard and sometimes internet life takes a backburner (??? is that even the term? this is my first language and i still get confused) because of that. besides,, being mutuals is like. :3 we are all vibing. <3 <3 <3

not much has happened this week seeing as it's only monday hsdkghksg but it has been okay i think. I walked down to the woods near where i live to do some drawings for a uni project earlier then came home and made soup and cleaned the floors. and now i'm doing more project work, but will stop in half an hour probably. (day ends either at 3pm or 4pm i make the rules).

the soup was very good! even tho i cooked it a bit too long. i should probably drink some water now that you mention it.

and it's been a good day where i've been productive, which hasn't been the norm recently cause my adhd kicks my ass hard.

ALSO! :D i have written a lot for a big big one-shot i'm planning to post?? when it's done i guess lol. tho it's getting very long so maybe i'll post it in chapters and that'll work out cause more people will find it that way.

i'm back into bnha again so it's of course a dadmight fic, and i've finally gotten to! write a time travel au!! with this! which has been something i've wanted to do for years but have somehow never managed for any of the fandoms i'm in.

i don't know if i told u i took up knitting?? but sdhgkjsgkshA HSHSHSDHHSDHHS AAAAA MY ADHD KICKED MY ASS AND I'M LIKE,,,, so CLOSE to finishing one half of a pair of fingerless mittens, but i just can't touch it cause funky brain chemicals go nooooo you can't have this one thing

i hope you're having a good day/week!!! are you still into oh my memory is shit at names?? uhh tokyo revengers? i think that was it. i hope your favourite character is having a great time! and not suffering too much in the way that blorbos from shows tend to.

wait wait,, here is a snippet from the last scene i wrote for the dadmight time travel au:

“Who’s Tenko?” Toshinori asks, at the same time that Midoriya asks, “How do you adopt a child?”

Toshinori gapes. “I- Young Midoriya? What. You’re only twenty.”

“Twenty six, actually,” Midoriya says, placing a pile of heavy books down on the coffee shop table. “Is twenty not old enough?”

“I think you should focus on your studies,” Toshinori says.

“This is important,” Midoriya says seriously. “It’s not just a whim.”

Toshinori looks at Midoriya for a good while. He sighs.

“I’m not exactly a great resource for finding out about adoption, seeing as I’ve never done it, but I’ll help however I can.”

Midoriya beams.

What follows is a quick google search on Midoriya’s laptop.

The boy takes one look at the screen and slumps in defeat. “Oh, twenty really isn’t old enough,” he says.

“I thought you said you were twenty six,” Toshinori says, reading over his shoulder.

“Not in the eyes of the law.”

Toshinori’s not sure he wants to know what that’s about. He’s not sure he’ll ever understand the things that make their way out of Midoriya’s mouth.

[official-michael-afton]

Wait what's the recent event and news things?

Let me not only explain but also give an initial reaction to things!

Tw: US Politics, mentions of transphobia, homophobia, and racism

WHAT WE KNOW: A few hours ago, today (June 10, 2021), a tweet was released explaining that Scott Cawthon had donated thousands of dollars to various Republican parties including Donald Trump and Mitch McConnell prior to the 2020 US Presidential Election. You can find the tweet here.

This source can be accessed here

WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT THIS INFORMATION: While not 100% certain this is our Scott Cawthon, it's safe to assume so. The location and occupations line up. This site also appears to be legitimate, though I cannot confirm with certainty. But considering it's a whole database and not just a screenshot, I think it's safe to assume it's a legitimate source unless proven otherwise.

This is the facts, from this point on I will give some advice on how to handle this.

WHY THIS IS A BAD THING: To many people, this seems like a non-issue. People have the right to their political beliefs and I will forever argue that cancel culture is absurdly toxic. However, when ones political beliefs actively harm minorities, they're more than just "beliefs".

Many of the people that Scott has financially supported have pushed anti-LGBT bills and have pushed homophobic and transphobic ideologies. Many of these people have also pushed bills for voter suppression(often in largely democratic and/or POC communities) and pushed racist ideologies as well. Unfortunately, by financially supporting these candidates, one is actively causing harm to minority groups.

Scott has the right to use his personal money how he wants, but there's no denying that FNaF is a major source of income for him. And he likely used a lot of his profits to support these parties. It hurts to say it, but it's very likely that by financially supporting fnaf, we gave him the funds to support the very people trying to hurt us. Thats where the problem is.

WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

I encourage people to take some time to deal with this news. Because it's big and it's heavy. We shouldn't form parasocial relationships, absolutely, but it's very reasonable to feel hurt by this. I've supported Scott since I was a teenager, since 2014, and to know that, while this whole time I've realized I was a man and started transitioning and everything... I've been giving my money to someone who likely used that money to support the same people who fight against my right to exist. I'm sure you can understand why that's painful. Many people grew up on this series and many of us are POC, LGBT, and/or other minority groups that have been harmed by far right political parties.

So take some time to comes to terms with this, find out what this means for you, and how you want to move forward, there is no right answer.

That being said, this is very new news. There may be more that gets revealed, so I encourage waiting to hear more. I want to wait until I hear a statement from Scott or enough time passes that- he just won't. The biggest problem with cancel culture is the idea of dropping someone like a hot potato without even knowing why- so take the time to find out more if you can.

DO NOT. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. HARASS ANYONE IN THE FNAF COMMUNITY FOR STILL LIKING FNAF. It does no good for anyone. People have been in this fandom for literal years, and to expect people to just ditch it is not only unreasonable, it's unproductive. People are still allowed to like this series, own merch, make content, etc. Your mutuals are not the enemy.

SHOULD I STILL LIKE FNAF?

I have 2 points I want to make about this question

I encourage you to stop financially supporting official fnaf stuff. Again, knowing that my money is quite possibly being used to support the people who want to harm people like me and my mutuals, I can't in good conscience continue to give my money to Scott. I won't harass anyone over this, but I encourage you to do the same. I recommend instead, if you have the money, to support fan creators! Commissions, fan merch, etc- that way your money goes to supporting minority creators instead! (If you already own merch, there's no point in throwing it out. I mean you won't get your money back so it doesn't make a difference one way or another)

That being said, I personally believe that you are still allowed to enjoy the fnaf series. The series doesn't push any problematic ideologies(the worst is an insensitive joke here or there, but that's literally every media ever), so I believe you're not doing any harm by liking it still. It's like how people can still like Harry Potter as a series, but refuse to give any support to JK Rowling.

Honestly if you still want to consume new content/games, I recommend watching a let's play or something where you're not spending any money. *Puts on Camp Counselor Voice* And remember kids, don't ever p*rate things, that's bad *wink wink*

Again, this is all very new, so take your time to deal with it, okay?

TL; DR- It's extremely likely that Scott Cawthon has financially supported far-right Republican parties such as Trump, McConnell, etc. Supporting these parties does active harm to minority groups- especially POC and/or LGBT+ communities. This is all very new, so I encourage you to take your time in reacting to this. I encourage you to stop financially supporting Scott, and instead support fan creators instead(if you're able to of course). I believe it's still okay to continue to enjoy FNaF though, and encourage you to support your mutuals instead of dropping the series like a hot potato, if you can.

Remember to practice self care, and please don't discourse on this post. This is just the facts and how I believe we should react to this in the most productive way we can. Love you! 💜