#but also i still need a hyperfixation to live and i can't see myself moving on from spn anytime soon

[celestie0]

HI ELLIE!!! Omg, I just started reading IHM. I was originally going to hold off until it was done (or mostly done), because I'm a serial monogamist when it comes to a series (RIGHT NOW I AM LOYAL TO KICKOFF lol), but I ended up reading IHM anyways for some reason. I LOVE IT SOOOO MUCH. I know that we're only two chapters in, but I always love and adore how much thought goes into your characters and writing. I found myself giggling the whole way through lul. One thing I noticed after chapter 2 is as much as Gojo annoys reader, he's also strangely attentive to her needs and is a complete foil to Choso. I'm sure this was supposed to be obvious, but I thought it was very sweet how he called her beautiful in the dress (the same dress that Choso didn't acknowledge her in) and how the ring he picked for her was similar to one that she had saved in her wedding mood board. I'm pretty sure it's not exactly intentional on Gojo's part (or maybe it is?? hehe), but I thought it was an interesting detail. Also, I know this is within spoiler territory, so don't feel obligated to answer this, but how angsty will it get between reader and Gojo's relationship? :,) I know that they're both still healing from personal trauma from their past relationships, so will that come into play as they develop feelings for each other? It seems that Gojo is hesitant to talk about his divorce, so would that be a factor or an obstacle that will hinder him from getting too close to reader? Can't wait for future chapters!!! <3 Thank you for spoiling us *__*

OH MY LOVE THIS IS SO SWEET N CUTE N MADE MY ENTIRE DAY!!! PLS???

omg i feel you about the serial monogamy towards one series/show at a time 🤣 except for me it’s probs just hyperfixation 💀 but i’m so happy you decided to give ihm a read 🥺💕 it means sososososo much to me n i’m really excited for the seriesss

AWW IM GONNA SOB TYSM i have put quite a bit of thought into the characters in ihm bc i really want it to be like a web? of interactions btwn them all, and i’m so glad you saw that choso is foil to gojo!! yes!! he is very attentive to her, and i think sometimes it’s intentional n other times it’s just bc they’re meant to be honestly 😭💕 we’ll see that reader too is very vigilant too despite everything she’s got going on :”) i LOVED writing the scene where he calls her beautiful in the dress, every girl deserves to be called pretty in a dress she really adores!! and yeah the ring was totally coincidental but 🤣 again i guess they’re meant to be? hahaha

yesss i think there will be quite a bit of angst between the too, mostly surrounding their ex lovers, and just in general their pasts. i kinda wanted it where reader has lived in town her whole life (childhood home) whereas gojo mysteriously moved in next door less than a year ago, so they both don’t know much about each other despite being next door neighbors. but honestly i think a lot of the angst actually comes from secondary plotlines that end up bringing reader n gojo together!! but there will still be angst between them for suuuure 😭😔 yes gojo is very hesitant to speak up ab his divorce, sorry i simply cannot write gojo without avoidant personality bc i feel like he bottles up a lot in the show too so it just felt fitting 💀😞 but for reader too, i think she kinda…doesnt care to learn much about him as of right now bc she finds him annoying lol, and then later on when she has feelings i think it’ll be too painful for her to learn ab certain things too…so yes definitely i can see how they both would avoid their feelings and instead do the thing most adults do and joke about their feelings to lighten tension or completely avoid them all together 😃😃 (or do i just need therapy loool)

THANKS SO MUCH FOR THIS ASK my love :”) hope you have a wonderful day/evening/night!! much love from me <33

[zachthealien]

The time has arrived.

Today, I've bought the Stanley Parable Ultra Deluxe. And I played a little- not all, of course, but a little.

Normally, I don't play games like these. Mostly because of cost issues, after all, I can't just go buying every game I like. So, for most of my childhood, I never really played the games I wanted. But today, I am happy. I was finally able to buy a game that I want, before I find another hyperfixation.

But I am not here to talk about my experience with the game. Maybe later, if anybody wants to hear, but not now. I am here to talk about my feelings with certain parts of the game, and what I understood of them.

When we're getting introduced to the memory zone, the Narrator mentions the developers, and how he hid the memory zone so they wouldn't find it. That raises a question- Is the Narrator really in charge of the game? For most of our playthrough, it seems so. But this strange ending gives the vibes of something else- that maybe, the Narrator is being ordered, or just aware that he's not in power.

Why does he have to hide, anyway? Is he afraid? Afraid of what? What can the developers do that strikes so much fear in the Narrator, that he had to hide something that makes him happy?

For now, let's move on. I'll leave that question to you.

While we're walking through "Pressured Gas" reviews, the Narrator reads some of the negative ones. And at first, it seems like all of those reviews are bad, right? That all of those reviews are meant to insult the Narrator? Look closely.

On the ground, walls, basically every other review that he doesn't read, is positive. All saying positive things. The Narrator just focuses on the bad ones. I would say that that is supposed to point out a main flaw in his personality- His 'people - pleasing' necessities, if you want to call it that. It's just anxiety.

Part of the skip button ending (if not, whole.) talks about how the Narrator is so obsessed with flaws and imperfections, that he does absurds things to get rid of it, no matter how much effort it takes or how much it will hurt him. He is always trying to make the player happy, Stanley happy, himself happy, and that only ends in his doom.

He is so obsessed with that, really, that even after living through the skip button ending, he insists on making a new Stanley Parable, with new gags and objects to play with.

You could argue that he was doing that to prove a point, to show that Stanley Parable didn't need to be bought by a greedy company, or that it didn't need new things, but the whole gag itself fights against that.

"For The Stanley Parable 2, I asked myself: what do players really want?

And of course, the first and most obvious answer is that they want to be individually recognized and validated as people."

What do the players really want?

"A common complaint of The Stanley Parable was that it was confusing and paradoxical. "

A common complaint.

He is still focusing on the player, on the fanbase. As a viewer and player, that is good, obviously. But from an outside perspective, and knowing what happened earlier, this seems pretty unhealthy. Even after years, decades, centuries, millenniums of thinking, he still clinged onto that obsession with the player.

Or maybe. The Narrator forgot about the skip button ending.

A common theory is that Employee 432, also known as Timekeeper, locked Stanley and Narrator in the skip button room. That would imply that Timekeeper can/does have more power than the Narrator.

If that theory is true, (we can't possibly know that) then maybe Timekeeper made the Narrator forget. They erased his memory to make him functional again. After all, we can see that the Narrator.. 'broke'.

"...the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never... "

Repeats until you press the button again.

Maybe, if he didn't forget, he would've stayed broken forever. Maybe, he needed to forget- for the sake of the game. But why would Timekeeper let the Narrator live? And why would they let Stanley continued playing this hell of a loophole?

I don't know. It's late at night for me, I'm tired, and I have school tomorrow. I'll be back. Toodle pip!

[hoppipolla]

↳ 8 Shows To Get To Know Me

Thank you @jyuubin for tagging me <3

I don't know if the shows I'm about to talk about will make you learn things about me but they're pretty much my favourites so i'm happy to talk about them ^^

18 Again

This drama was thought-provoking and beautiful in such an authentic way. Seeing a father learn to know his children through the eyes of someone their age was so tender yet so heartbreaking. This drama shed a light on how complex the human condition is and how people have more than one layer to their personalities. Hence the need to always be kind to one another. I don't remember all the details of that drama but that's the drama which made me discover Lee Do Hyun and his amazing and detailed acting ^^

Kimi no Koto Dake Mite Itai

One of the most beautiful kiss brought to screen. If you know, you know. Such a heartfelt drama :(( The absurdity of life doesn’t seem too insuperable when that life is lived while having the well-beings of others in mind. (Yes I am quoting myself, that's embarrassing. That phrase is from the review I wrote on MDL). That's basically what this series is all about. Loved the cinematography and the gentle vibe of the show (that makes no sense but it's hard to put into words what this series made me feel ><).

Avatar: The Last Airbender

The characters' developments in that show!!! I love well-written shows and this one was a blessing. I don't think any animated series can top this one. There is so many good things about it: flawed yet likable characters, thought-provoking dialogues, amazing story arcs, genuine friendships etc. (Iroh's the best character and we can all agree on that ^^)

You're My Sky

Such an underrated series!! Please do watch it, it's amazing! The three main couples all have different stories and everyone acts so well :( A well-written show with a beautiful cinematography? Count me in!

The Untamed

Oh my! Where to start? The Untamed was my first Asian drama and I've never moved on from it. I tend to hyperfixate a lot and so I usually quickly move on once I've finished a series/movie/book etc. but I could never move on from this show. The angst here is peak perfection. Wei Wuxian is one of the best character ever written and I love him to pieces. So many heart-breaking story arcs, so many amazing characters... Just so much pain but it's beautiful???

Weak Hero Class 1

One of the rare series which showed how genuine male friendships could be. WHC1 was really hard to watch but it was worth it. I am still trying to recover from it tbh... I just hate how cruel and brutal the human kind can be. I don't want to start any discourse but I liked Beom Seok. It doesn't mean I was ever okay with what he did but he is a much more complex character than most people think.

Beyond Evil

THE most amazing drama ever produced. I have written so many in-depths analyses on this drama — it's ridiculous — but it just gives you an idea of how impressive this drama was (both acting-wise and script-wise). I'll stop there because I won't be able to stop myself from rambling otherwise ><

180 Degrees Longitude Passes Through Us

I've written such an emotional review on MDL... Loved it so much. Brilliant performances, amazing dramatic references, stunning dialogues, gorgeous cinematography and a realistic plot. This drama sure felt like an out-of-time experience. I'm still sad I can't get my hands on HQ scenepacks because I would have loved to make some edits :(

So I'm basically someone who loves well-written series with nuanced and flawed characters. I like analysing things and I greatly appreciate subtle acting. I'm also a big softie lol so I like slow-burn relationships full of gentleness.

I'm tagging @ohmybitna <3 (I hope you haven't already done it. Feel free not to do it if you don't feel like. No pressure!)

[deusexlachina]

STEMquisition Part 13: Sexually gratify the Qunari by hyperfixating on dragons

In which I make the Qunari horny enough to consider an alliance and then repay The Iron Bull for his help by getting him cast out of his people and nearly killed.

Now that I'm a little stronger, I revisit Emprise Du Leon. I saved them from the army of red templars, but now I also have to save them from demons and also three High Dragons. Did I mention the place is also bitterly cold, and still lousy with red lyrium? Why does anyone live here, and why have they not moved?

The people rejoice, because they're finally safe. I rejoice, because all these dead dragons can be dissected by my good friend Frederic of Serault. This gives us a chance to finally understand what the deal is with Corypheus' pet dragon, who's the only real threat in his entire arsenal.

With Leliana's help, I hire every naturalist we can find in Thedas to help Fred.

We learn that dragons can stem the spread of the blight within their bodies by sealing blighted flesh within cysts, which is scientifically interesting but regrettably does not do anything whatsoever to help fight Corypheus' pet dragon. I get a reward of the Prismatic Greataxe Schematic, which I already have from the Golden Nug, so my reward is instead just this picture of a dragon. The "Rewards Received!" text only mocks my pain.

But The Iron Bull is impressed by my delve into dragon research, because he likes to masturbate after killing high dragons. I didn't make that up. He does.

Slaying every High Dragon in Emprise du Leon has given The Iron Bull enough orgasms that he feels close to me. He talks me up to his bas boss in the Benn Hassrath, the sneaky wing of the Qunari that also includes Tallis, the poor man's Iron Bull. The Qunari are willing to make an alliance with me, starting with collaborating to blow up a red lyrium ship. To cover the Qunari ship, we split up and fight two groups of Venatori.

The ship is taken down, but several mages slowly amble up to where the Chargers are. The ship's not clear yet, but if the Chargers stay to defend it, they're dead. For some reason I can't defend it myself. I guess they're much closer to the Chargers than they are to us? But then how did we see them? There's fog all over the place.

The Iron Bull has to choose between his country and his friends. And when I say the Iron Bull has to, I mean that's my call, because everyone delegates everything to me. Including, uh, fashion choices. I side with the Chargers, because they're our friends, because two of them are scientists, because one of them is a transgender icon, and because they've been loyal this whole time. Most importantly of all, though, they were able to defeat the Envy demon offscreen. I don't know why they can't handle apparently three mages. I guess they were tired. But when you have people this competent, you don't throw them away over a bad day. Sorry, Qunari.

I check in with The Iron Bull, whereupon the Qunari attempt to assassinate him. They used saar-qamek, a deadly neurotoxin. Fortunately, as an ex-Benn Hassrath agent, The Iron Bull knows the antidote to saar-qamek: saying it won't hurt you. The placebo effect is a powerful thing.

The Iron Bull insists that this assassination was a mere formality - a way of showing him he's cast out of the Qunari. It's like when you kick someone out of your gaming group and set their house on fire. The point is the message. And the message is that he's...TAL-VASHOTH. You know, the Qunari who have abandoned the Qun. Like...uh...me. I tell him it's a bit weird that he's saying it like a slur.

But this isn't about me. He just needs to vent about being Tal-Vashoth, in a conversation that is surprisingly not that different if you're Tal-Vashoth, besides this exchange.

[mcrmadness]

So, for the fic asks !

I would like to know about : 1, 3, 9, 12, 16 (17 at the same time, you can count it as a unique question if you want), 24, 29 !

I know it's a lot, but I'm awfully curious !!!!!!

Thank you!!! Now that really makes it up for all the other asks I did not get for this ask game! :D I'm very excited about them now!

1 - What’s something new that you tried in a fic this year? How did it turn out and would you do it again? Hmmmm. It's kinda hard for me to tell what all happened this year and what happened last year, it's all this big mush in my head and feels like one very long year tbh. But I would say that what I tried was: to go more and more towards presenting the relationships as QPR (or through relationship anarchy) rather than the stereotypical romantic relationships we see everywhere. From my own point of view it turned out well and I really liked it, and I definitely would and will do that again, but unfortunately it also meant that the more I wrote G-rated and QPR-driven fics, the less people were interested in reading those fics. So it's a double-edged sword, really.

3 - What’s something you learned about yourself as a writer? After a little while of thinking: definitely how differently I think and how I'm on SO different wavelength from the rest of the fandom (and in case someone else is reading this atm: I only write for two fandoms that are kinda interwined). At the times it made me feel extremely lonely and so alone, and an outsider. Not necessarily being left out, but more like refusing to enter the door if I'm asked to step in, because I don't really belong in there and I don't feel comfortable in there. So I'm just sitting outside in the snow writing my little fics wishing that at least someone will feel like giving them a try. I guess that's what I learned. Again, for the umpteenth time...

9 - What fic meant the most to you to write? I don't think my fics really mean anything to me. I'm not emotionally connected to them at all. Sometimes I like my writing in some bits a lot, and I would like to mention here a few atm unreleased bits of my very long WIP called Nostalgia. There is one bit I wrote either last year or the previous, but I just keep going back to reading it over and over again because I'm genuinely proud of the writing in that one and I feel like I really outdid myself with that.

Unfortunately you have to just believe my word because it's not published yet, and I don't know if it ever will be and when if so (I still cannot wait to show it to people cos I like it so much???) because it's about the reunion era of die ärzte, and I need to work on all the 80s chapters first before I can even think about posting anything related to that.

12 - What fic was the most difficult to write? Did you finish it? I think I have to answer this with Nostalgia as well. I don't know if I'll ever finish it really. It's the most difficult one to work on because it's based on real events, so I have to change the plot and events every time I learn new facts (or "facts" thanks to BFR...) from the guys. I also have to do lots of researchs for my timeline all the time, and the fact that not every fact is available. Recently I learned something about Bela's and Farin's 80s roommate-ness that I had never noticed before, and now it's like, forcing me to change so many things about all the 80s bits that I HAVE written so far. Because turned out that one flat in a video was not the one where they lived together, and IRL Farin moved out way before than what I thought he did, and now my whole 80s timeline has to be reworked. It sucks, but no can do. Who told me to be this precise with my fanfic research...

16 - What were you go-to writing songs? Nothing really. I usually don't listen to music when I write, but occasionally I might hyperfixate on a band or artist and can't come up with anything else to do while listening to them, so I start working on my fanfics. Usually my fanfic working in general is completely spontanous. I don't plan it. I just start thinking about random things that suddenly create a new train of thought that leads to me opening the fanfic files. And I often just write in completely silence because of that. I can't even hear anything when I focus properly, and I also can't listen to anything where I can understand the words because then I can't write cos it will it impossible to focus on writing words myself.

17 - What were your go-to writing snacks? I'm the world's most boring person because: nothing. Like your ask already suggested, these could have been in the same question so pretty much the same answer applies here. But yeah, I usually don't eat anything when I write. Often also because whenever I enter the hyperfocus, I forget about everything around me so I will also unintentionally ignore any needs and won't feel hunger AND would not even remember to eat anything even if I had snacks :D Besides, I in general don't really eat snacks that often. Occasionally I might eat chips or a bit of chocolate, but usually that's when I am watching videos or doing something else where I don't really need my hands.

24 - What’s something that surprised you while you were working on a fic? Did it change the story? Well I already mentioned the roommate thing I learned, so I can't mention it here... or can I? I guess I can. It did change the story quite a lot, but I don't know if it really surprised me. I don't really know, I feel like I wasn't surprised by anything at all, besides that little roommates fact.

29 - If this were an awards show, who would you thank? I'd definitely thank FUB for existing and being so extra during these past tours that I have so much content I barely need to even write anything myself anymore :D And then next I'd thank you because I honestly don't think I'd have my fics public on AO3, and I would have not kept posting the new ones there without your support. It sucks to not have readers, but even one reader is still a reader and worth it. Besides I'm not really writing to get attention (even if it might not look like that), I am writing to make other people's day and if I manage to succeed at that at least once, my work here is then done. So thank YOU for reading and for leaving comments on my fics! I kid you not, on my AO3 there would be absolutely nothing or half of the fics max of what I have there now, if you didn't keep commenting on them. (And while that again sounds very toxic of me, I am not trying to keep you as a hostage and I'm not saying I will never post again if you stop commenting. I'm saying that RSD makes it hell to post any creations ever, as you know, and I have kept coming back with my old and new fics only because I knew they would at least make your day better if no one else would enjoy them! /gen)

Okay, here are your answers. As you can see, I am very boring what comes to writing :D It's not just my texts that are boring, I myself am very boring to. (Which... probably makes sense cos I'd write such exciting and awesome things if I myself was exciting and had wild stories to tell.)

[queerstudiesnatural]

.

[airbenderedacted]

the mood's just been

[bardofhype]

an assortment of Fallout: New Vegas characters as Brian David Gilbert videos

because the hyperfixation is deepening day by day. the polygon videos with BDG will not count so i'm sorry if you're hoping for something like Smash Bros OSHA violations or Sexiest Castlevania Monsters here. also gonna put down the lines from each video that reminded me of the character they're assigned to. here we go ! Arcade Gannon: i wish that i could wear hats (the entire song. all of it) Benny Gecko: My Autobiography ("I ate a brick bench, got a scar on my lip, got equinophobia on a field trip, sold my soul to a demon to see how I die-"/"That demon's still here but I do not know why! May 6, 2030 is when I will die, the scene of my death is incredibly bleak- new videos at the end of every week!") Boone: this video got me a job ("I used to live in Baltimore but now I'm in New York, 'cause there wasn't much in Baltimore for odd video work, so I moved myself to Brooklyn with a bag and a suit and I've got a countdown timer 'till I'm destitute.") Caesar: this song is not a metaphor ("I just think caterpillars don't know what's going on. They're dopey as heck, don't know why we respect something that can't do long division, write petitions, or pay with a check. (AND I CAN DO ALL OF THOSE THINGS!)"/"I'd like to see a caterpillar do that.") Cass: building your online brand ("But, full coordination of your personhood and your branding can be challenging, and that's why I'm here to help you turn your humanity into hu-brand-ity."/"You see, a brand is much like a flower in that it stinks and takes its own path. If you think you know how it will grow, then you've never tasted nature's wrath.") The Courier: that feeling when you bite into a pickle and it's a little squishier than you expected ("Okay, then you tell me: what's the feeling?" "It's... it's, ah... I'm feeling... ffah- shhh- s- s- s- susuuuu- saaaaa-ahhhhh aeeehhh... ... ... I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FEELING IS! I don't know what it is!"/the entire musical part/"... I feel... zjierb.") Fantastic: the rollerblader's world is limitless (again, the entire video) Joshua Graham: MY WEIRD ICE CREAMS: a cooking video ("It's gonna be 90 degrees in New York City today. And even with air conditioning, it just means I'm gonna be in a constant state of slightly sweaty."/"When you have an ice cream maker, the world is your oyster. You could make oyster ice cream, and I won't stop you! I can't stop you. No one can."/"And now we can leave and not have to listen to that for thirty minutes."/"This is an ice cream you have after defeating your arch nemesis in chess.") Lily: Pumpkin Cowboy (the whole song) Raul: shingle jingle (the dance break scene.) The Think Tank: it's time to get good at darts ("By the year 2053, all communication will be done via dart board. There is no more poverty or famine, there is only darts. The world has moved past the need for currency. Criminal activities have long since ceased. War is just a whisper in the memories of those who can recall a time before the dartening. This future can become a reality, so long as we understand that the time has finally come. The time to get good at darts.") Veronica: i'm not superstitious but i am afraid to prune my money tree (again, the whole song) Yes Man: buy my bed ("I need this bed out of my house by TUESDAY, because on TUESDAY, I'm havin' a POTLUCK, and I can't having people comin' to my POTLUCK askin' why the hell there's two BEDS against the wall!")

[obaewankenope]

Okay so, I have ADHD. I'm 18 and was diagnosed 2 months ago? Maybe one? I don't remember. Anyways, I'm constantly thinking about and bouncing between the "hey it's okay you can't do this, it's not your fault, you just need some extra help and you can do it!!!" and "you're so stupid, just try harder, if you cared enough you'd be able to do it. why are you asking for special treatment and being a burden?" lines of thinking.

And that, especially lately, has led me to hyperfixating on the fear that, hey, maybe even when I do start medication and have finally figured out how to manage this with my therapist... what if I still can't do it?

This is especially difficult when it comes to art. I'm an aspiring artist & illustrator, and the struggle to do something that I love so much is so incredibly frustrating.

And it makes me worry that, even when I am finally medicated and have what I need, and even now when I'm REALLY struggling... maybe the problem is me and not the clearly albeist system I'm forced to work in.

Maybe I don't love it enough. Maybe I'm not as passionate and dedicated and driven to succeed with my art as I think I am. And it is so unbelievably soul crushing to think that because, that's it for me, that's all I can think to do with my life. I don't really have anything else, which I know sounds dramatic but, yeah. And the idea that I might not care for it enough, or that simply caring for it isn't enough, is really messing with me.

Uh so I'm not really sure what I'm asking aside from, WHAT DO I DO? How do I manage this? How do you deal with the imposter syndrome? Help????

Okay so, there's a LOT to unpack here, bean, and we're gonna do it now at 2:39am because why the fuck not, right?

You're 18 which means your brain is still developing. That means you have to deal with the chaotic brain chemistry that comes with growing on top of the chaos of adhd. That sucks.

The whole swings and roundabouts thinking on your ability is, sadly, very common. Too common to be as normalised as it is tbh. The first thought process is the Good One. That's the one that is Accurate To You And Your Needs. The second thought process is the Society Mindset Of Judgement.

I call thoughts like that "brain weasels" - a concept my friend Lily mentioned one day in chat and I just instantly accepted it as reality.

All those bad thoughts, all those moments of "you're a failure" are given a Name in my mind. That is Brian. Brain Weasel Brian. My mother calls them Brain Weasel Paddy.

I heartily advocate that sort of thing. Adopting this method of Attributing A Name to the thoughts that Don't Help You, is a good method of teaching your brain to separate the bad thoughts and the good ones that help.

Sometimes it doesn't work. In my depressive episodes, it doesn't work great if at all. But that happens. Sometimes nothing helps then. Sometimes existing is about as much as I can manage. It's Sucky but it's not permanent.

Rarely, is anything truly permanent. We just tend to think they are.

Next, hyper fixating on fear.

Again, pretty damned normal if also very sucky. Our brains, no matter whether we're neurodiverse or not, are Very Good at remembering the bad and giving up lots of Risk Lists to consider. This mechanism helps us as a species in the wild, of course, but in the world we live in now... well, it's not the best mechanism out there.

We can't stop it, though. It's part of our evolution as humans. We can figure out tricks to help manage it. See, the biggest problem we have with fear and anxiety is we try to push it down and away or we obsess over it. Those are the worst options.

Anxiety and fear have to be imagined to be like smoke. Its there in the air. Its part of it when a fire happens and we need fires for warmth. So anxiety and fear is natural. It's healthy to have both but not so much that we can't function. The mechanism is messing up if we can't function.

Anyway.

Have you ever tried to capture smoke in your hands? It's not possible. You can't cup your hands like you would with water, can't grip it like you would a solid. No. Because smoke is a gas and it moves and shifts and fills up any space it can.

Anxiety and fear are like smoke. They're part of everything and exists because of Reasons and they can be a good thing but can also be a bad thing too.

It can also become too familiar for us sometimes. Like a smoker who lights up and savours the smell of a burning cigarette.

We cling to what we know even if what we know is bad for us. It's human nature. But just because we cling to what we know doesn't mean we can't be brave and let it go. That's human nature too.

We're a species of messy contradictions, after all.

Medication helps the brain chemistry and assists that fear and anxiety mechanism. It's not a cure, contrary to belief, but it will help. Therapy helps you work through things and medication helps settle your brain which will help you further.

Does that mean it's going to fix you? No, because you're not broken. You're different but not broken.

With your art and illustration and your desire to become an illustrator, I can wholly understand the frustration you feel.

But I wonder, does that frustration stem from fear of failure or from feeling so many emotions and not being able to figure out their source?

If its the former, then that's understandable. We all fear failure. But sometimes, it's not failure we actually fear. What we really fear is success. Because we don't know what to do if we succeed. That's a long term thing.

Failure can be immediate and short term. It's something we can think about in the immediate future because our brains are able to follow the tangent of time enough for that.

But success. Success means long term considerations. It means thinking about what comes after. It means considering potential promotions, opportunities, work pieces, connections and so on. It means thinking of those things beyond the short term where our brain's are most comfortable.

ADHD brains are not really built for long term planning. We're good planners for short term things. Good problem solvers. But rarely is it a long term sort of solution we come up with.

Not because we can't, but because we get so mirred in the details, in the What Ifs and the Possibilities that we lose our focus on the Whole Picture. We lose the tangent.

I don't necessarily think you're not passionate enough. Hardly anyone who draws lacks passion. They may lack technique, but passion... That's something any artist needs in my opinion. Even just a spark.

But being able to use that passion, to convey it, now that's the challenge. That's Hard.

Sometimes it's next to impossible.

The thing is, ADHD and Autism make you feel things Deeply and Chaotically. This makes you struggle to process those feelings.

Being a young adult with Expectations and Responsibilities on top of sucky brain growth chemistry just makes that struggle worse.

You may not be able to channel your passion into your art currently, but that doesn't mean you don't have it.

Think of your passion like a tube that's got a blockage in it. The pressure inside is immense but you've got nothing on hand to remove the blockage. It'll take time to develop the tools, to find them, to help. Or. It might have to remove itself.

This doesn't make you lacking in passion. It just makes you temporarily injured in the passion department. We don't blame someone for a sprained ankle resting. Don't blame yourself for taking time off because of this.

Imposter syndrome is... Hard. So, so hard.

I don't have an answer for you about how to handle it. I do a pretty poor job of it myself. I fake confidence, am awful at accepting praise, and constantly feel inadequate. I just hide it really well.

But that's emotion. That's fear and doubt and anxiety. That's societal expectations stoking the emotional disturbance of imposter syndrome.

Logic tells me different.

But logic is hard to believe. Especially when the emotions are very Loud and Distracting.

Sometimes you have to call those doubts and fears for what they are: Brain Weasels.

Sometimes you have to think of it all like it's smoke.

Sometimes you have to sit down and meditate, crossing a mental bridge between reason and emotion to deliver a message to both sides.

We are individuals who pick out pebbles from the river and admire them. Sometimes we keep them. Sometimes we put them back. Most times, we move on. Those pebbles are difficulties, challenges, doubts.

ADHD tends to try and keep the pebbles. Imposter syndrome uses them as building blocks.

Sometimes you have to dig out the foundations and toss those pebbles back before you can start to work on fixing up the rest.

This has become very rambly now, I'm sorry. Its 3:24am and I need to sleep. I do hope this helps in some way, though. If not for you, then for others.

[likesomekindofcheese]

How do you think Roger would be with someone who had adhd? (I'm so sorry if you've gotten this before, I only just found your blog)

I've always presented more on the inattentive side, though I can be hyper, but it mostly makes me a really messy person to live with, like I just can't clean anything up, and when I try to it quite literally sends me into a breakdown. And I infodump to people all the time, and I'm just a wreck really in all areas. My adhd is a massive issue in my life and I just honestly wonder a lot how people I idolize and love would treat me because of it

Could I get HCs for Roger in a relationship with someone who has adhd? I'm gonna describe kinda what part of ADHD I present as. I'm like, more of the inattentive type. I daydream a lot and have a really hard time processing words people say, so stuff always flies over my head. But I'm also hyper sometimes, and I can get quite loud and obnoxious. I also overshare a lot (lmao this ask is an example of that I guess) and I hyperfixate on a lot of stuff. I also get really overwhelmed by like, strong emotions, and that translates into me flapping my arms and making really loud noises, which I hate about myself. Basically I'm just a mess, especially so right now, and I so desperately want comfort from Rog

Hi there Nonny! Thanks so much. I think oversharing actually helps so that way I have more detail and more to play off of and that way I will be able to probably have a more accurate portrayal of ADHD as well! Also thanks for your patience! This past weekend I was rehearsing an online play and it got busy and I was trying to conserve my energy and recharge myself when I could!

Also, it’s normal to hate yourself. You have worth and enoughness even when you don’t feel like it. I’ll say it again, your worth, okayness, and enoughness does not change with how you feel. I have to remind myself that sometimes too! If you ever need to send another anon or dm me, please feel free to! I am not a counselor, but I have a listening ear. Let me know once you read it and what you think!

 I wrote about ADHD Reader’s before. Here’s one with Joe! And here’s one with our badger loving spaceman, Bri!

If I get this wrong in any way, drag me gently via anon or dm. 

First off, Roger is a bit inattentive himself. He probably doesn’t have anything diagnosed, he is just a little antsy and easily bored so his mind wanders. He doesn’t have a problem keeping up with your energy. I can see you two enjoying a night stroll and then stopping at a playground to go down the slide and have fun on the swings, for example!

Both of you are more on the messy side. When you move in, your clothes are strewn across chairs and on the floor. When Deaky comes over to visit he has a heart attack at the sight of it. 

He saw you breakdown from trying to clean and hugged you, assuring you would find a way to make it more fun.

But sometimes you pitch in and play music while picking it up and wind up dancing and it’s really cute.

Eventually, he uses some Queen money to hire someone to help pick up after your stuff as a gift. That way, it looks a little nicer and you don’t have to worry about breaking down.

Sometimes he will be chatting away as you ride in his car, squeezing his free hand. Then he feels your grip loosen as you look at the green blurry trees passing outside. He will go “Y/N, what’s up!”

And you look and shrug with an embarrassed smirk. “Was just...just daydreaming. Isn’t it silly?”

You felt a little ashamed admitting that to your rockstar drummer boyfriend. But he shook his golden head and said “no! No, it’s not!”

Both of you get to be loud and obnoxious together since he’s the most extroverted member of the band. Dinners together are so much fun. Even after your dessert plate is cleared with leftover chocolate stains that Roger will scoop and lick off with his fork, you still have fun. You both laugh and talk a lot. He makes you smile so hard your face hurts from all of the smiling.

If there are any spats or conflicts, both of you calm down and take time to process it, then go back to the conflict and solve it.

He helps you remember all sorts of things like the car keys or phone numbers. So then you say “you’re a genius, Rog!” and he says you’re welcome by kissing your cheek or wrapping his hand around yours.

Rog is also really intelligent. He could listen to you infodump and ask questions and be involved. He also buys you gifts and experiences involving your hyper fixation. He loves to give you all sorts of gifts and it’s really sweet.

When emotion overwhelms you, he walks you through it. Talks with you. He gives you space to flap your arms. He never nags you and doesn’t verbally nag you. Nor does he do anything to shame you. He lets you communicate your emotions and he responds kindly. He used to parent you, but he stopped. He let’s you be. Even though Roger is the wild boy, he has a heart of gold beneath all of those cigarettes and cheeky smirks.

 He asks questions about your ADHD. He even reads a couple articles about it. 

You adore him with all of your heart. You know you can be yourself and be loved and safe with him. You love to hug him, be the first to listen to all of his songs, run him hot baths after a long day, and you never stop telling him how wonderful he is to you.

And the same goes for him. You’re his angel and shining star.

Taglist: @queenlover05 @seraphicmercury @ewannmcgregor

[coindraws]

Bonjour

Been some time since I made a rambling post, so here we go because I like screaming into the void 🤙🏼

I've been staying in Germany with my family again since November because France has a harder lockdown than Germany does and the general circumstances here are just better for me. Kind of sucked because I was looking forward to living alone again but there's no sense right now in staying in a foreign country when my homecountry is doing better. A lot of the other students I got to know returned back to their countries as well and it's a big question mark when I'll go back again. Might be in January when my second semester starts and things have hopefully calmed down but I wouldn't be surprised if that didn't turn out to be the case. Still the only German as far as I know and there's a lot of new French students, so the misery of that continues.

Apart from that I kinda got used to the French uni system but I'm still having a somewhat hard time with it and my French is not really improving since I don't interact a lot with the other students and I only have one seminar where I maybe get to say something or discuss stuff lmao. My first semester is nearing its end and I'm very sure that I'll get my master's degree in Germany only, I had originally planned to get it in the same program as my bachelor but seeing how it's been very chaotic and how I won't be able to receive a scholarship from the EU again because of the way the schedule looks like, I don't think I want to do it. And I just like the German uni system a lot more, plus moving between countries all the time is super exhausting.

This is also really random but I also made a reddit account and I have no idea how that site works but I was so surprised to see so many people recognize my art from tumblr or other sites 😳 Not sure if this is a good or a bad thing but the sdv community is so nice and sweet compared to other fandoms I've been in/seen that I can't help myself but continue to draw for it. Haven't been drawing a lot as I just don't have a lot of time and am very stressed because of university and all the distance learning stuff but I'll get back to it when things get better or during my winter break. I'd really like to interact more with you guys because I need people whom I can talk to about my hyperfixation on Harvey but I'm awkward af 😂 If you aren't however, just shoot me a message or something, I like hearing about other people's lives.

Anyway, I hope you all are doing good as far as you can during these times. 2020 really drained everybody's energy and I can't wait for this year to be over but who knows if 2021 is going to be any better at this point. And here's one of my hamster babies.

[hollow-prey]

the search for physical PS2 copies of the J&D games, entry #5

So, as I have shared here, my hyperfixation has set me on the course of tracking down the original PS2 copies of the main Jak and Daxter games so I can use them as display pieces and so that I can lovingly hold and own them yet again. And because I love physical media and all that comes with it, I would ideally like to find copies that still have their manuals inside. I won't be able to play them since I don't have a PS2, buuuut if I happen to come into possession of a working PS2 at some point in the future, I certainly won't complain.

Right now my main focus is just finding the main four games on the system- Precursor Legacy, 2, 3, and X- as those are the games that my brother had when we were kids and that I have the most memories with. Thankfully, I've already found two of those games, so now I just have to track down the other two. Depending on price points and if I can find them in person, I may also pick up Daxter and Lost Frontier for the PSP, since I now have a bit more emotional investment in those two as well (Daxter for the minimal Errol content, TLF for Phoenix), but those are not a priority at the moment.

I went to the second location of the game store where I bought my initial copies of Jak II and 3, both to see if this location had TPL and/ or Jak X, and to sell a few wayward games that have been gathering dust in our house for what seems like forever just to get them off of my hands.

To my surprise, I found yet another copy of Jak II there (this makes the third physical copy I've seen since I got back into the series), a black label version with the manual and even the same PlayStation Underground card that was in the copy I got from the comics store a few weeks ago. It was also a few dollars more expensive than the copy from the comics store ($15 vs. $9), so I'm glad I grabbed the cheaper one when I saw it.

A cool if slightly uncanny sighting (seriously, this is the third time I've seen this game in the wild since I started my search), but unfortunately that was the only Jak game they had, and I definitely don't need a third copy that I can't play, so I moved on to the PSP section out of curiosity.

And wouldn't you know it, I actually saw a genuine copy of The Lost Frontier on the shelf, in person, with the manual. If it wasn't 30 whole ass dollars, I might have bought it for the novelty and the Phoenix factor, but alas, it was $30, I also have no means of playing it, and I don't even like most of the game from when I watched the longplay on YouTube. Phoenix truly is my favorite part of that game, and as much as I love him, I cannot justify spending that much money on TLF as a display piece. If it was a mainline J&D title, I likely would spend the money against my better judgement.

So right now I'm still only at two games out of my main four, but I'll be keeping an eye out at different places to see if/ when anything comes up. And before anyone asks why I don't just look online and buy them from eBay or something, I mean I COULD if I really had to/ wanted to, but because my brain is still apparently living in 2007, for some things I just prefer to shop for them in person so I can see and feel the quality and appearance for myself. Plus in this case, whenever I hopefully find what I'm looking for, to me it just makes it so much more exciting to stroll into a physical store and actually see the exact games for myself and being able to buy them and walk out with them that day. Idk, I'll have to see how the search goes. J&D were pretty popular games in the PS2 era, there's gotta be copies floating around that I just haven't come across yet.