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#but also my joint pain is too bad to even more my arms rn so. future
ominousposting · 1 year
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alright whos gonna write about rain with joint pain
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gvmdisease · 5 days
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health rant bc now i’m feeling extra icky
my everything hurts so so much it’s bette than it was yesterday but fuck it’s still so bad i can barely raise my arms over my head bc my shoulders hurt so bad and aren’t moving right i got up to see my mom bc she was yelling at me to come see her and my back neck wrists and hips all popped and cracked and i also lost my vision when i stood up too my chest pains haven’t been too bad and neither my disney i mean it’s the normal but the pain in my joints are just not good and i’ve been meant to clean and shower and i’ve barely been able to get out of bed i’ve had like 2 liters of water and have had two meals but doing each of those things drained me so much im really really trying to not let this shit get to me but god it’s so fuckign hard i was told that if i gave all of my new meds and supplements a week i’d feel so much better and it hasn’t helped at all if anything i feel worse they’ve helped me sleep better but even then when i wake up i still feel exhausted and the pain hasn’t stopped it hasn’t gotten better nothings happened my mom told me to wait a week and it would get better my dad and my doctor told me that too and at this point im losing hope that things will get better that i’ll ever start to feel better this is exhausting i hear ppl joke about being disabled and i hear ppl say they wish they could have the things disabled ppl do but this is exhausting mentally and physically physical therapy??? yeah i got six fucking visits and then my insurance stopped covering it bc “i didn’t need it” and how much is it three hundred fucking dollars a visit i was supposed to go two days a week until i was more stable i can’t get a can i csnt get crutches my parents think im being dramatic i can’t miss school snymore and all i want to do now is fucking cry that’s all i do at this point it always makes the pain worse but what am i meant to do im practically a fucking kid who has debilitating pain and it’s so normal his parents don’t even care i missed all of ostara which is a holiday i celebrate a full fucking week and i didn’t get to celebrate at all im so fucking tired of this never ending loop of pain and i try not to talk about it i do bc no one needs to hear it but fuck every fucking second of my life for the past three years has been in pain my first day of school this year was spent trying not to cry bc i forgot to wear my knee braces and had to limp my way around school im overall just fucking done i’ve relapsed i’ve cried i’ve wanted to attempt again over this fucking shit bc nothings helping tylenol and ibuprofen barley even fucking work anymore like what the hell i fucking hate this and i wish i would just fucking stop but it won’t bc most likely this will be my life until i’m dead and haha it’s so fucking funny not being able to hang out with your friends anymore it’s so fucking funny barley being able to reply to texts i’m a fucking kid i don’t fucking need this i’m failing almost everything rn trying to manage my home life my pain and school and it’s obviously not working out fuck if that stupid fucking attempt would have worked i wouldn’t have to be here going through this fucking pain this wouldn’t be my fucking life i hate seeing all of my friends hang out with ppl do things that make them happy i hate seeing my friends able to bind their chest everyday or most days and ik that’s selfish but fuck i lost most of my life to this shit i lost almost everything i was passionate about to this hospitals and doctors are nothing new to me but seeing no one have answers or giving me false answers takes a toll on you after a while
anyway sorry if you read this i’m just feeling icky my pain won’t go down and it’s not a fun time
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animated-moon · 3 years
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dating oikawa hcs
warnings: oikawa being a pretty boy
a/n: the things i’d do to be his friend 😪😪
☆。*。☆。
before
» you were actually the manager of karasuno (oh no)
» during their joint practice oikawa tried to talk to you because you didn’t really seem like a bad person and in fact he thinks you’re quite interesting based off on the interactions you had with the team
» but also because he noticed that you were staring at him 50% of the time (i mean who wouldn’t)
» so when you were handing out the bottles to both the teams he was like “hii karasuno’s manager-chan :D”
» and you were like “who are you”
» oiks:🗿
» “i’m the captain of aoba johsai, oikawa tooru! hello :D”
» “ohhhh you’re haji’s best friend, right?”
» oiks: 😀😄😀 bcus you called iwa “haji”?????
» turns out you were staring at iwa the entire time
» you were distant relatives but he didn’t know that
» immediately turns to iwa with tHaT (😒) look
» “i didn’t know you knew iwa-chan?”
» “oh, it’s fine. how would you have known?” and you unintentionally gave him a sly smirk and then he misunderstood EVERYTHING
» “oh. okay. sorry.” *walks away stoically*
» when you disappeared he was like “iWA-CHANNNN YOU DIDN’T TELL US YOU HAD A CUTE S/O!!!”
» poor iwa was so confused because he ain’t got no hoes and oikawa was shaking him too much for him to process anything
» then at this point you appeared again and handed iwa’s bottle to him and oikawa gave you the 👁👁 look until you started speaking
» “oh yea, tell aunt i said hi. we haven’t talked in a long while.”
» oikawa: 🤨☝️
» “aunt?”
» *iwa realizes who the cute s/o oikawa was talking about is* “tHEY’RE MY COUSIN YOU-”
» after the practice you and iwa caught up w each other before they left and the entire team started bombing iwa with questions about his cute cousin
» oikawa was strangely quiet but iwa didn’t question it
» meanwhile in oikawa’s brain:
» “cAN’T BELIEVE IWA HAD A CUTE COUSIN AND DIDN’T INTRODUCE US >:(”
» “this is betrayal and i will not talk to him any longer”
» “wait no he’s my best friend”
» “well not anymore 😤😤”
» lowkey a petty king 
» after that though, when you went to hang out w iwa you began seeing oikawa more and more
» and the thing is it wasn’t even on purpose- he just appeared at all the right places at the right times
» but oikawa also found himself intrigued by you because you showed no sign of swooning over him like other people did
» everyone would like a breath of fresh air, but he wanted more than just a breath (me failing to be deep)
» asked iwa for your number and got it along with multiple death threats in case oiks was up to no good
» as you started talking, you slowly caught feelings because he was actually really really sweet, albeit a little narcissistic
» he also provides really good comfort when you’re upset and not in the slightest insensitive of your emotions
» he caught feelings because once he accidentally overshared and unloaded all his frustrations in your chat
» he thought you’d not wanna be his friend anymore after finding out what a horrible human being he was under his happy, smiley mask :(
» but that truth only made you stick by his side even more
» when the karasuno vs seijoh match came y’alls were really close already so that made you ???
» you really wanna support karasuno but oiks!!! you knew just how much it would mean to oikawa if he defeated kageyama
» on the actual day you stood w karasuno but you had secretly given oiks a good luck charm and pecked his cheek before running away
» you saw him stare at you and caress his cheek and literally flamed up
» he really wanted to win the match to assure himself that he was better than kageyama and also, your hope was with him, so how could he lose?
» when the match ended and he lost tho, he was so, so, so, upset and his self destructive thoughts came crashing down
» you rushed out to find him outside the stadium on the brink of tears
» the first thing he said when he saw you was “sorry”
» ????
» “sorry i couldn’t live up to your standards and win the game”
» well that hurts
» you took after iwa’s trait of not being able to express your feelings so you just hugged him. tightly.
» “it’s not your fault.”
» with that he broke down and continued to for the next half hour or so
» after he stopped crying you guys just sat in silence and he was basically rethinking his life choices
» which was when he spontaneously held your hand and leaned in closer to you
» you: ?$/9;&294&48,!’!&!-&/&;&,@/“”-&:$,!:)?3&;)
» then he just waited for you to close the gap and obvs you got the meaning and did it
» you both were lost in a kiss when
» “oI SHITTYKAWA WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY COUSIN”
» “...🙂...rUN (Y/N)-CHAN-”
» but after that you hunted him down at seijoh and talked it all out w him
» congradulashions you got yourself a boyfie 🕺✨
» iwa was 🤬🤬 but at the same time 🥺🤲✨🤩🥳
during
» no one at karasuno knew you were dating oikawa
» so when he came to karasuno to fetch you for your date, a riot started
» hinata was shaking you because “y/N-SAN YOU WERE DATING THE GREAT KING?”
» kageyama: *death glaring oikawa*
» tanaka and noya busy threatening oikawa to treat you right or they’ll [redacted]
» suga and daichi trying to calm everyone down (suga actually went to ask you about it after because he got a lil curious)
» tsukki, narita and ennoshita: ���🏻🧍🏼‍♂️ we been knew tho
» yams: the only one congratulating you two to last long (asahi came later because he was lowkey scared of you people)
» kinoshita: *proud smile and thumbs up from afar*
» oikawa just enjoying this riot and kidnapping you when he finally had the chance to
» being with oikawa naturally gave you tons of unwanted attention
» about 90% of his fans gave you murderous glares when you walked past
» and you guys had at least 10 arguments (big and small) about his fans being too friendly or HIM being too friendly
» he always apologizes after because he knows just how insecure he made you :(
» a big sweetheart and cutie <3
» he isn’t afraid to show you affection so pda is fine but he never goes overboard or embarrass you in public (actually he might but)
» loves to tangle your arms or hands together!! it gives him a sense of security
» likes to nuzzle his head into your neck
» he’ll always hover around you when you’re in school so that you don’t get assaulted by any of his crazy fans
» shows and brags to everyone about how YOU’RE his s/o and how amazing you are
» makes narcissistic comments sometimes but it’s lowkey funny
» iwa’s always being THAT brother and making sure oikawa don’t do no funny things to you
» makki and mattsun also became your best friends and you started hanging out with the seijoh 4 a lot more often
» he has a lot of nightmares and his mental health is as bad as the state of my room rn so please comfort him
» i think he secretly has inferiority complex
» love him or i’ll [redacted]
dates
» not a lot of big dates normally because he’s very preoccupied by volleyball
» so usually arcades?? or park dates?? or even just shopping
» he’s trying his bestest best to fit you to his schedule and shove things away to make space for you because he didn’t wanna make you feel neglected 😭🤲💖
» tbh i think the reason he broke up with his girlfriend (the one mentioned in the anime) is either bcus of fan issues or bcus he neglected her
» he doesn’t want you to go through that pain so he always tries to make time for you
» when you both occasionally go on a big date, he’s all dressed up and treats you like royalty
» on days when he don’t feel so good, it’s the other way around
» i believe you force him to have a lot of stay-home self care dates because he ALWAYS overworks himself
» he cries sometimes because of how grateful he is for you not leaving him bcus he felt like he wasn’t really giving you the amount of love you gave to him ;(
» once he was overworking himself again and you surprised him with tickets to the new planetarium and he almost cried (actually he might’ve but just for the dramatic effect)
overall
» very affectionate and absolutely adores you
» might spew some poisonous words sometimes (when he’s really really pissed) but he really really didn’t mean it
» love him
» appreciate him
» and he’ll do the same for you <3
» 10/10!! in my early haikyuu days (before i saw tendou) i used to have so many thoughts about this manz ;(
- fin <3
@flairlust
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thewhumperinwhite · 4 years
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FBI AU: Intravenous
Art Knows Things, And People Need Money.
Previous: Rescue / Interrogation / Awkward / Painkillers / Father / Flashback / Visitation
TW for: hospital, needles; blood; self-harm (kind of); references to suicide and destructive behavior; dislocated joints; drugs, including IV drugs; references to self-medicating; negative self-talk; abuse of power; attempted murder; referenced minor character death.
@whumpitywhumpwhump
----
Simon has been cleared to leave the hospital for roughly twelve hours now, and he has spent eleven of those hours asleep. Then he took a shower, drank three cups of coffee, and came straight the hell back to Art’s hospital room.
He was gone for half a day; in that time Rona has let Karim Mun into Art’s room as an experiment, and Art himself has refused medication for hours and then almost died again, and Simon wants a drink so badly he can’t think straight.
“Explain it to me again,” he says to the RN, fighting very hard to keep his voice level. “How is it fucking possible that he could be hooked up to that many machines and you still not know he’d taken no painkillers in fucking six hours?”
The woman’s eyes dart toward the door, and Simon makes himself step back to give her space; even if the fuckup is hers she’s doing her best at a hard job, he doesn’t want to corner her, he’s not a monster. “S-sir— Agent Blake. Our policy is that pain-management is patient led where possible to... to reduce the risk of over-medicating—”
“Over-medicating?” Simon says, and reels himself back in, makes himself lower his voice back to reasonable inside levels. “Nurse, the kid had his leg torn out of its socket, you didn’t think it was suspicious that he hadn’t taken anything all—”
“Ma’am!” Simon recognizes the nurse calling from the hallway from the reception desk; she’s young and pretty and looks nervous as a cat, very conspicuously not looking at Simon. “There’s a call for you at the front desk,” she says, and the RN sags with relief and scurries with a perfunctory apology to Simon. Simon steps aside to let her go; if it was just a fuckup there’s nothing he can do about it.
The nurse from the reception doesn’t leave. She looks at Simon nervously, and then away, like she wants to say something. When she doesn’t, Simon sighs and moves to brush past where she’s standing in the doorway.
“I think someone paid them off,” she says very quietly when Simon passes her. Simon freezes.
“You what?” he hisses, and she looks up and down the hall, sees no one, and grabs him by the sleeve to tug him back into the empty room. “Who? How do you—”
She looks at the floor, chewing her lip. “I don’t— I don’t know for sure. But I heard one of the doctors on the phone, and— I don’t think they were supposed to hurt him, but I think someone told them to— to leave him alone, not watch him. When the other boy started yelling for help they all came running, I don’t think they meant to— to—”
Simon— can hardly see, he’s so angry. “I’m sure,” he hears himself say. “I’m sure they all thought someone wanted to sneak in to leave the key witness some flowers—”
“I don’t,” the nurse says in a small, miserable voice. “I don’t think it was— that man.”
Simon blinks, trying to clear the red fog in his head enough to see her. “What are you saying,” he says, his mouth running on autopilot.
“I— I knew the voice,” she says very quietly. “I heard the man talking on the phone. I don’t think it was the man on the news, the, the cult leader.” She finally looks up and meets Simon’s eyes. “I think it was Senator Lange.”
Simon stares at her, his ears ringing. Then he says stiffly, “Thank you,” and turns to walk out of the room.
He’s read Michael Lange’s file at least a dozen times now. He has the address memorized.
——
There was a solid year after Michael died when Art was high more than he wasn’t— when he did a lot of things with the few assets available to him, in pursuit of getting high and staying that way, that he will never, ever tell Karim, not because Karim would judge him— Karim has made it inescapably clear by now that he has terrible judgement— but because it would be too fucking humiliating.
Anyway. If you had tried, at that point, to explain to him the difference between being high because you wanted to be, and being high because you couldn’t be trusted to know your own pain threshold, he would half told you that it didn’t matter, and to pass the fucking pills.
The difference is, back then the point was not to think, and now he wants to think so bad it’s killing him, and his brain will not work because they have taken away the little hand-pump he wasn’t using and switched to injecting shit straight into his IV tube.
Which is still in his arm, by the way. He fucking hates needles.
Also he’s almost certain Karim was here, and now he isn’t, and if Karim was here when he— when his body did whatever horrible thing it seems to have done, then Karim will be upset, and at the very least Art would like to know that Karim is not being allowed to lay there stewing in guilt and self-recriminations and oh-this-is-all-my-fault-for-getting-kidnapped-and-brainwashed.
The nurse who comes to dose him this time is new, with a shaved head and a tattoo on the side of his neck that prickles something in the back of Art’s stupid drug-addled brain. Which, whatever, the previous one didn’t listen to him at all but he figures it’s worth a try.
“I don’t need anymore,” he says; he wants it to be a snap but his stupid stitch-and-bandage lips are too clumsy. “They fucking— just gave me one. Hey—” He tries to flail at the man with his non-elevated arm but the wires and tubes are too complicated to reach. “I don’t want it.”
The man looks at him, and Art stares at his eyes, the pupils blown wide and dark circles underneath. “Nobody ever does,” the man says in a blown out croaking voice, and pushes the needle into the receiver on the tube and presses the plunger all the way home.
Art looks at him, and then he raises his arm to his mouth and pulls the IV needle out with his teeth.
The sudden tear sprays a small amount of blood into his mouth and across his cheek; seeing the look of absolute shock on the face of the man who is not a nurse, Art thinks, no one’s gonna fucking believe I wasn’t trying to kill myself this time.
The man blinks, looking kind of disturbed. “Jesus,” he says. Then he pulls up the hem of his scrubs and reveals a small knife poking out of the waistband of his pants. He shakes his head. “That was fucking stupid,” he says, perhaps reasonably.
Blood and IV fluid are going everywhere, and Art can hear several different machines giving distress signals. The man who isn’t a nurse looks helplessly around at it.
“Lost... lost your window, fuckhead,” Art says thickly. "Now you're... wasting your getaway time."
The man looks at him. Presumably they are both hearing swiftly approaching footsteps.
“Fuck you, you fucking freak,” the not-nurse says, and he stabs Art in the stomach.
——
Rona is in the hall, trying to get the cute nurse to describe to her in exactly what tone Blake told her “thank you” before storming off to probably commit a felony, and then suddenly the hall is filled with women screaming. 
Rona turns, and sees a man with a shaved head barreling out of Art Lange’s hospital room, past several panicking nurses, knocking one straight to the ground. She has time to see blood on his hands and scrubs and the big tattoo on the side of his neck, and time to see the small knife in his hand, also bloody.
He’s looking over his shoulder while running. It’s very, very easy to trip him. She doesn’t even need training for that. It is useful for swinging a leg over him and pinning his arms behind his back, though. 
“Hey, does anybody fucking work here?” She snaps. There are several people hovering in doorways up and down the hall; one of them is a 6’5” guy in a labcoat that’s obviously hiding huge biceps. “You,” Rona says, pinning him with a glare. “How much can you deadlift?”
“Uh,” Dr. Muscles says, startled into compliance, “400?”
“That’s enough,” Rona says, she squeezes the tattoo-man's wrist brutally until he drops the knife onto his own back. “Come grab this guy. Hold him exactly like I show you and don’t move until I tell you.”
“What?” Dr. Muscles splutters. “Ma’am, I— I’m not—”
Rona looks up at him, watches him see her eyes and teeth. “Did it sound like I was asking?”
Dr. Muscles is heavier than Rona, so he won’t need any particular skill to hold Tattoos down, just weight; Rona installs him and then runs back and— 
They are moving Art onto a gurney; a pale-faced nurse has her hand pressed over his stomach and there is blood pumping out through her fingers. A big wad of gauze has been taped over his wrist where his IV tube should be. His eyes are squeezed shut but he is obviously very much awake.
Rona jogs next to the gurney. There will be time for— there will be time later. “Kid! Did he say anything useful?” Some of the nurses stare at her; she ignores them.
Art cracks one eye open. “No,” he croaks. Then his face breaks into a wide, shaky grin, and Rona stops; he looks like a little kid. “I think Micah is scared of me,” he says, and then she watches them wheel him down the hall.
Rona thinks Micah isn’t the only one.
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thechildoflightning · 4 years
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Tectonic Plates- Ch3
Title: Tectonic Plates [Masterpost]
Fandom: Sanders Sides
Pairings: None
~~~
Chapter Title: Transform
Summary: 
Everything over the past few weeks comes together
Warnings: Memory Loss, Borderline Passive Suicidal Thoughts, Tics, Chronic Pain, Gender Dysphoria, Deadnaming, Fatphobia, Ableism
<strong> TW: Memory Loss, Borderline Passive Suicidal Thoughts, Tics, Chronic Pain, Gender Dysphoria, Deadnaming, Fatphobia, Ableism </strong>
I don’t currently have the spoons for in depth tws at the end of the chapter rn, so message me if you have any questions about tws
[ao3 link]
~~~
Chapter Three: Transform
Patton wakes to searing pain that courses through his entire body, pain strong enough that it makes his breathing hitch and stomach curl with nausea. He squeezes his eyes tight as if that would do anything to help. Maybe this is all a bad dream he’ll wake up from. He’s not hopeful. He doesn’t dare risk moving, the fire in his body so unbearable that Patton doesn’t risk doing anything. He takes small shallow breaths and wishes for it to be over.
He fades in and out of consciousness. He’s not sure if thats due to pain or exhaustion. He remembers glancing over at his clock at one point and finding it significantly early, though Patton can’t remember what time it read. He doesn’t know if he forgot from pain, or if it’s just his memory failing him once more.
He wants to cry, but he doesn’t risk it because heavy loud crying will make his body shake and that will just make everything worse.
He briefly wishes he had no bones, just a puddle of human goop that doesn’t ache, before realizing that would only help so much. A lot of the pain is in his joints, but it’s also in his nerves and getting rid of bones wouldn’t help that any.
So maybe he gets rid of his bones and nerves.
He wouldn’t feel anything that way.
He could go back to sleep forever without pain.
He almost wishes for it.
Almost.
He’s not quite sure what stops him.
He floats in a haze, not quite awake, not quite asleep. Tiredness seeps into his body, dragging him to sleep, and the pain fights it, demanding Patton’s awake to feel the torture it performs on him.
His alarm goes off at some point, and he barely pays any notice to it. He’s in too much pain to think of anything but the pain, and thinking of the pain makes it worse. It’s a vicious terrible cycle, so terrible, that Patton doesn’t even notice that his door has been pushed open until his ma is settling at his side.
“Hi honey,” she whispers soothingly.
“Hi,” he croaks out, the single word taking more energy than expected.
His ma looks at him and she radiates love so strongly that Patton just wants to curl up in her arms and break down crying. But both of those actions will cause him to hurt more, so he settles for lying on his bed, head facing his mother, pushing back tears.
“I… I don’t think I can go to school today,” he says.
“That’s okay,” his ma dismisses immediately and Patton breathes a small sigh of relief. He never thinks that his parents would make him go- knows they understand, knows they wouldn’t push it. But well- he gets worried sometimes. He misses a lot of school, he takes a lot of energy to care. He knows his moms love him but he can’t help worry about his place in their lives occasionally.
“Do you need anything?”
“Heat,” Patton replies immediately, “And meds too please. And… and can I get some water? Is that okay?”
“Of course hon,” she soothes, “You are going to have to eat something with the pain meds though.”
Patton knows that. He knows that he doesn’t want to because eating takes so much effort and his stomach is already swirling in displeasure.
“Okay,” he says.
“Can you rate the pain? And tell me where it hurts?”
“9,” he says, “and everywhere. It hurts everywhere.”
“Okay. If you can’t, that’s okay, but can you try to be a bit more specific?”
My legs, hips, back, neck, shoulders,” he says, “Back especially. All along it.”
“Do we need to go to the ER?” is her next question.
Patton’s in enough pain that he considers it for a minute. It’s always a challenge debating on what he does and doesn’t need, when the pain is enough to warrant medicine, hospital admittance, and anything else.
“No. Not yet,” he settles on, but keeps it as an option. His meds don’t take away the pain entirely, but they do work decently well. Hopefully with the assistance his body will stop torturing him.
“Okay. Do you want me to stay? I can ask your Mom to get everything.”
“Can you?” he asks hopefully, not wanting to let her go.
“Of course,” she says, pulling out her phone to call his Mom and explain what’s going. She finishes quickly and turns her attention back to Patton.
“Can I hold your hand?” she asks.
“Yes. DOn’t touch my shoulder.”
She nods easily and carefully takes his hand in hers, smoothing over the back of his palm with her thumb. He gets heat, meds, water, and chokes down a little bit of food. It’s a slow, painful process. But the heat and meds help enough that Patton slowly drifts off once more.
-
He wakes to an empty room. He takes observance of his body, feeling out where it does and doesn’t hurt. It’s still flaring brightly with pain, so hot it burns. But it has subsided somewhat from a torturous pain to a heavy, burning violence. 
His back aches and he reaches for his phone at his bedside table, shooting off a quick text to his moms.
A moment later his door opens, and Blythe is slipping into his room, TENS unit in hand.
“Ma is picking Liam and- tehch- Dani up from school, Mom’s at work,” she explains their absence as she approaches Patton’s bed, “Do you know- hu- the intensity, frequency, and- hu hu HU- and the duration and all that? Because I don’t but I’m sure Moms have it. I can ask them.”
“It’s in my notebook,” Patton says, “but it can also really vary.”
“Okay,” Blythe agrees, walking over to his desk to grab the blue notebook and flipping to the pages about pain treatment- specifically for the electrical nerve stimulation the TENS unit will provide.
“Let’s just start with what it says in there and then I can adjust it,” Patton tells her.
“ACK- sounds good,” she agrees, finding the page. She picks up the notebook, before immediately throwing it with a tic.
“Yeet,” Patton mutters as she picks it up, rolling her eyes at Patton’s commentary.
She comes back over to Patton’s bed.
“Okay,” she says finally, “You’re going to have to turn- tehch- over.”
“I know,” Patton says miserably, not moving.
He breathes a few times.
“Help me?” he requests.
Blythe nods and sets down the notebook and TENS unit.
“What do you want me to do?” she says.
“Help shift my hips when I turn,” he instructs.
Blythe nods and begins the painful process of flipping to his stomach. He wants to go fast to get this over with, but he also wants to move slowly and carefully. It’s a balancing act- and Patton’s balance is notoriously awful.
They get there eventually, Patton gritting through the pain.
Blythe helps with attaching the electrodes to his back and then the TENS is switched on, providing welcome relief.
“Hey, wanna watch a show with me?” Blythe asks, once Patton’s settled for a minute.
“Sure,” Patto agrees, welcoming an easy distraction.
“Okay, I’ll go- ACK hu-  grab my computer,” she tells him, “Don’t move.”
Patton snorts, “Wouldn’t dream of it.”
She gives him a look and races out of his room.
-
The next day is better, but that isn’t saying too much. It’s a glass half full, half empty sort of situation. Patton can get out of bed, can even get to school, but his body still thrums in pain. But he gets through, and it’s not too bad even though it hurts and Patton- well he doesn’t quite count it as a win but it’s certainly not a loss. 
He isn’t binding because there’s no way he’d put his binder on right now with his current back issues, but it does mean he gets misgendered more which sucks. The dysphoria creeps back in and more people deadname him and Patton wants to transition so bad, but right now he’s just stuck.
He’s ready to go home.
Luckily enough, his last class of the day rolls around.
Unluckily enough, the teacher announces they will continue working on their group project.
Shit, Patton forgot about that.
His group shuffles together, and Patton sighs in grits his teeth as he joins them. Part of it is from pain, part is from annoyance with the project in general.
“Okay,” one of the girls said, “Can everyone get their stuff out? To see where we all are?”
Patton forgets her name, but does remember she’s been consistently rude to him and unwilling to listen when he’s explained his accommodations.
The group starts pulling out computers and papers. Patton himself only pulls out one measly paper of a short outline. It’s all he has done so far. The girl’s gaze turns angrily towards him when she realizes that all he has, and Patton sinks in his seat. His other two teammates look at him in pity, but don’t jump in to help.
“That’s all you have?” she asks.
“Yes,” Patton mumbles.
“Eileen! This project is due next week.”
“M’ name is Patton.”
“Okay- Patton, whatever. This project is due in a week and you’ve barely started! We’re being graded as a group here. And I need an A in this class. I get that you don’t care about school or are trying to sabotage the group because you don’t like me or- or whatever, but it doesn’t matter. You need to do your work. Stop slacking off and get it together. By the due date.”
It’s been a long day, a long week, a long year.
Patton’s so goddamn tired and his spoons are running low and he doesn’t want to deal with this stupid project or this stupid partner of his who’s name he doesn’t even remember. Patton’s trying okay? He’s been trying so damn hard, so damn hard for everyone. Being disabled isn’t easy, and people act as if it makes it so hard for their lives, but how do they think Patton feels?
He’s the one with the memory that doesn’t work, with the body that acts constantly, with being scorned for being overweight, who’s judged for using a mobility aid, and who everyone thinks is faking. Patton’s the one dealing with this, not them. It’s not fair. It’s not fair.
Tears prick in the corner of his eyes.
He can’t cry. He can’t. There’s no way they’ll take him seriously then and they’ll probably call him a girl and-
“I told you at the beginning,” he says, voice shaky but loud, “That we got three extra weeks.”
“Yeah!” she says, “If we need it. And we’re probably going to need it now because you can’t do one stupid assignment. But taking extra time is failing.”
“I do need it,” Patton snaps, and he’s loud enough that he gains the attention of some of the groups near them. “I’ve always needed it. That’s why it’s given to me. Maybe you don’t, that’s fine. But I do.”
“I don’t get why you can’t just do it?” she argues back, “Are you just fine with failure?”
“Yeah,” Patton says, “Yeah I am fine with failure. I fail all the fucking time. Life is a series of failures when you’re disabled and it sucks. Do you think I want to be in pain? Do you think I like forgetting almost everything? Do you think I enjoy struggling to keep up in a project with some annoying ableist teammate who’s not listening to me? No. I don’t. It sucks. But this time- this time I’m not failing. I’m demanding the time I need, and that’s not failure, that’s success.”
“You shouldn’t need to push for extra time,” she says.
Patton laughs, effectively gaining the rest of the class’s attention as they all tune in on their argument.
“You know what” he says, “You know what, for once you’re right. I shouldn’t have to push for extra time. I should be able to just tell you I need three extra weeks and you should accept that. I shouldn’t have to push for accommodations, that shouldn’t be my responsibility. The world is ableist and it sucks, so it’s either push for accommodations or let myself suffer. It just depends on how much energy I have.”
“Look I get that you’re disabled or whatever,” she snaps, “But it’s pretty hard to work with you when you demand extra time without even telling us why. You should at least share with us about how you’re disabled.”
“Share with you?” Patton asks incredulously, “Share with you? It’s my disability, I can share whatever I damn well please. It’s up to me and only me what I disclose and you-”
Patton forgets the rest of the argument, coming back with a rush as he takes a bite of his chicken, and stares across the table at his family at dinner.
Once he realizes what happened, he springs up from his chair. His hips and back shriek in protesting and he almost falls over. He catches himself on the table, hand clutching the wood, before racing off to his room, tears streaming down his face. He ignores the worried calls from behind him.
He crashes onto his bed and dives under the covers, wrapping them firmly around him even as he continues to sob. Seconds later and his moms enter the room. His ma crouches by his bed and his mom sets his cane against the bed stand table before joining him.
“Darling,” his mom whispers, “What’s wrong?”
Patton shudders through the tears and wonders how to respond.
“We have a group project in school,” he starts.
“Okay,” his ma says, taking his hand to rub soothingly.
“And- and there’s this girl and she won’t listen to me about my accommodations and it sucks because I can’t meet the normal time but I also don’t have the energy to push for my accommodations and it’s- I don’t want to push for extra time I just want her to be okay with it. And she’s been really rude and I yelled at her today and the whole class was paying attention and I don’t even remember what the end result was because I forgot and I-” he sighs, tears slowing, “I just hate it,” he sighs, “Like I’m disabled. For life. Some things might get better, some might get worse. Okay. I can deal with that. I’ve been dealing with it all my life. It can suck at times and be hard, but I mean- I don’t remember when I wasn’t disabled, I was a baby. It’s part of my life. But it’s just-”
Patton breaks out in a fresh wave of tears, pausing for a minute while he sobs.
“It’s just that I have- I have to prove it everywhere I go. I have to push to get my minimum needs met and nobody understands and nobody listens and it sucks and I don’t know if that’s ever going to improve and I hate it. And it- I even worry about you guys. Cause like- I know you love me. I know that, okay? But when I see how everyone else refuses to even meet the bare minimum of my needs and the two of you being the best moms I could have ever asked for, I start to wonder if it’s too much, y’know? Like if I’m too much.”
“Patton-”
“And it’s like, I know that's stupuid. I know that’s the internalized ableism talking, that I do deserve you and I deserve my needs being met. I know that. It’s just hard to remember when there’s so much external ableism pressing down hard on me. Y’know? And that- that sucks. And it’s- it’s been a rough few weeks and I do not have the spoons to deal with this.”
“We love you,” his mom says.
“Yes, we love you very much,” his ma says.
“I know,” Patton says, “I know. I love you too.”
He sniffles and wipes at his nose.
“Can we do anything to support you?” his ma asks.
Patton shrugs, and it pulls at his back painfully. He relaxes his shoulders.
“I don't know,” he admits, “I do feel a bit better now.”
“Sometimes we just need to get it all out,” his ma agrees.
Pat nods.
“I’m tired,” he admits after awhile. “I think I’m gonna go to bed. Worry about the project tomorrow. Thank you. Love you.”
“We love you too,” his moms say together, his mom setting a kiss on his forehead and his ma with a kiss on his hand and Patton feels so intensely, purely, loved.
He turns in his part of the project four weeks later, on the extended date he was given. The girl who’s been on his case scowls at him as he turns it in, and he ignores her. The teacher accepts the project without complaint, only stopping Patton briefly to ask if the time was enough.
“Yes,” Patton says, “Yes it was.”
The girl’s still mad at him. Patton’s going to continue to face endless ableism. It sucks. It’s going to suck. But he has his family, and he has their support and he’s just going to keep stumbling forward because really, what other choice does he have?
And maybe along the way, the world will slowly change into a place Patton no longer has to demand to be accommodated.
~~~
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limesicle · 5 years
Text
5 times Haiji didn't cry and 1 time he did
Ao3: link
Chapter: 1 of 1
Words: 2954
Pairing: Kakeru x Haiji (KazeTsuyo) 
Rating: T
Tags/notes: angst, injury mentions. I didn’t read the source material so idk that much about backstory whoops. Also, not super /shippy/ but I mean Haiji looks at Kakeru like he’s worth more than the entire solar system from day one sooo
Summary: Title says it all.
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The first time is when he realizes his body is breaking.
His father pushes him to train, and he pushes himself. Again. Again. Until he can feel his joints that are hardly a decade and a half old start to pull apart. His tendons strain to bind him together. His veins pump equal parts oxygen and agony.
Haiji looks around the team. At the other boys, legs free of braces, shoulders free of the weight of having his father be coach. Most of the time, he clenches his teeth and does what he needs to do. He looks at the team and sees some looks of pity, some of contempt. He hears the doctors warning him that if he keeps going, he won’t be able to walk by the time he’s thirty, but he can’t listen to them—he can’t quit yet. All he has ever known is running. (He squashes down the fear that it’s all he’s good at.)
He misses practice. Once. Twice. Then three days in a row because the inflammation is so bad he can barely crawl to the door of his bedroom.
It’s worse when he gets back—the looks of pity, the looks that seem like they’re just waiting for him to fall. And then there’s Fujioka, who still looks at him like he can make a comeback—like he’s more than broken pieces held together by fraying threads–like he’s strong, when he’s just too weak to show the world he’s breaking.
The second time is at the end of high school.
Fujioka wants him to go to Rikudo instead of Kansei. Haiji knows there’s a part of him that wants to follow Fujioka, that believes in miracles and happy endings. He could let a dream like that seduce him, but he won’t. He made his choice.
Haiji stands in the middle of the path. Fujioka is a step or two behind him. He can feel the barest hint of late afternoon sun setting, and the breeze that lifts his hair reminds him of what running feels like. For a moment, he closes his eyes against the dimming light and thinks of miracles. Then he thinks of the way his leg is shaking even when he’s only standing still. And all the reasons he made his decision in the first place.
His lip trembles, but he turns to Fujioka with a smile and shuts the door on a future he doesn’t dare to dream of. I’m not strong, he says and wonders if someone who has never been anything else has a chance at understanding.
The third time is after surgery.
By now you’d think he would be used to it. For years he hasn’t been able to take as much as a single step without the pain reminding him that he isn’t whole.
But he’s not used to it.
Haiji clenches his teeth and carefully does the exercises the physical therapists describe. He tries not to get frustrated at the days and weeks of months of sitting still. But every time he fails to take a step, every time he hits the floor for trying too hard, every time his body screams in agony as it strains to meet his demands, it gets harder to keep the tears from his eyes.
As he sits on the floor, head bent to rest between his knees, arms clenched around his body, he learns to regulate his breathing again. Steady his heartbeat. His body learns that growth takes patience and not just hard work. His mind learns to fill the empty hours with his university work.
And there’s a new dream brewing. Something that comes from deep inside his soul.
It’s then that he decides on Hakone, and the fire that’s been long gone from his eyes starts to return.
Hakone.
Because he can’t run, he throws himself into researching and planning. He finds the people he needs one by one. He gathers them until they’re just one person short.
And then, as if by red strings or the winds of fate and things he didn’t used to believe in, Haiji finds him. Number ten. He sees salvation in the way a petty thief runs away from the convenience store.
Kurahara Kakeru is a name he recognizes, because he spent the past years scanning through anything related to running—high school, college, or otherwise. Kakeru runs by, and the breeze that follows causes his heart to skip a beat. He feels the touch of the wind god, Fujin, in that breeze and sees the wings of Hermes on his heels.
Hours later he can still see Kakeru running. Kakeru is a shooting star and his feet light the path that Haiji has so desperately been trying to follow. He has dreamed of the Hakone Ekiden for years, and for the first time, he can see exactly how he’ll get there.
It’s not easy to get Kakeru, or anyone else, really, to agree to his plan. But in each one of them, he knows there’s a soul that wants to run. He just needs to find it. As he struggles to get them to agree—one by one—and struggles to get them to get along, to train, to run, he realizes that maybe he’s not so weak anymore.
At first, he finds himself turning to Kakeru, because he’s the most experienced runner on the team—other than himself. And then he finds himself turning to Kakeru just because he can. Kakeru who is blunt and stubborn and selfish in ways he probably doesn’t understand. Kakeru who runs on a path of starlight. Kakeru who is honestly brusque and righteously short-tempered and awkwardly charming.
Haiji finds himself as the team comes together as a team—watching each one of them find their own path to run. He is still looking for an answer for why he runs. How can he love a sport that breaks his body and wears down his mental stamina? It’s exhausting and infuriating and each step along the path is a battle. Sometimes he wonders. Sometimes he thinks he settles into the pace of his feet against the track and thinks he already knows.
The fourth time is the moment Prince finishes his race just fast enough to let them go to the qualifier.
They have a chance. It’s a dream that is four years in the making, and they’re still only at the start line. But they’ve earned the right to try.
Fujioka stands by his side. Steady in his presence and solid as always. Their paths are different now, but he always did love running with Fujioka at his side.
This time, his lip trembles, and he takes an extra minute to make his way to the rest of the team.
The fifth time is when they qualify.
The race is crowded with people trying to win, showing months or years of hard work in their steps. As they move forward, they spread out, finding their own pace within the pack. Haiji runs beside Kakeru near the front. He waits until the right time, and then with a tap on the back, he tells Kakeru to fly.
The mess by the water tables is unexpected, but he makes it by. He feels a shift in his leg as he lands and nearly stumbles the next step. As he runs, all he can think is don’t break, don’t break. He finishes the race thanking his body for holding out. Kakeru isn’t far from the finish line. As the minutes tick by, the rest of the team joins them until only Prince is left.
And then the race is over. And they wait to hear which schools made it. With each school announced, the tension rises. By nine, the pressure is so high he can barely think. Haiji stands with the men he’s spent the past ten months making into a track team, and waits as they all hold one collective breath. And then ten is announced.
Kansei University.
It’s another goal passed. The finish line is almost within sight. His heart soars, full the bursting point with happiness. He turns to share this elation with the team and catches just a glimpse of Shindo sobbing into Musa(also sobbing)’s shoulder, the twins piling onto Nico-chan, King unplugging his ears with disbelief written across his face, and—Kakeru fills his field of view, blue-gray eyes practically glowing. For a moment, they stare at each other, hearts beating to the same tune of joy. Haiji leaps forward, ignoring a twinge in his right knee and any doubts he would usually have about jumping into Kakeru’s arms.
(The one time.)
They train hard in the time they have before New Year’s. They deal with the twins’ doubts and struggle with the limited time. Haiji spends more time in the hospital than he has in a while, checking and double checking. He still thinks of himself as broken pieces and wonders if the glue holding him together now is just as weak as it was before. He thinks of four years of planning and doubts that it was enough.
Haiji silences thoughts about himself and turns instead to thinking about the team. (He still wonders what he’s running for, too). He offers encouragement where he can, support where needed, and a reminder or two that rest is important.
And then the day comes.
The first day is difficult. Prince starts them out well, and Musa follows up. But then there’s the drama with the twins and romance of all things. In the middle of a race. Haiji ignores the temptation to say a variety of things to instill fear into their souls instead of sparkles and hearts. Instead, he opts for a gentler approach.
Kakeru, sitting next to him in the car, doesn’t seem surprised at all. When asked, he mentions something about Musa, dark baths, and Hana-chan. He says it with flush darkening his cheeks and his eyes dart away from Haiji’s. Haiji lets himself be distracted for a moment. And then he turns some of the things he thought of directing at the twins toward himself.
Shindo’s section of the race is the most difficult to watch. Haiji watches him stumble and stand again a hundred times. If Shindo stopped, Haiji wouldn’t blame him, but there’s a part of his soul that’s begging him to keep going. It’s selfish, he knows, but a part of him needs this race—to heal, to move on. So he watches the screen, hands stiff with tension, and tries not to let the guilt set in.
The vice grip around his chest eases a little once Shindo is done with his section and back inside. Be shares a look of reassurance with Kakeru, as they finish pulling the blankets up around the figure of their now-sleeping teammate. Yuki hangs back just a moment. Haiji reads a kind of frustration and guilt in his expression. After a moment of thought, he steps out of the room pulling Kakeru with him.
The rest of the evening passes relatively uneventfully. Kakeru passes in and out of sight. Shindo wakes before too long and they videochat the rest of the team. It’s not the same as physically being in the same place, but there’s a kind of peace that comes with unity, even if it comes in the middle of a race.
As he tries to sleep, he can feel a ringing in his bones, the sound of something that’s not quite in the right place. His knee doesn’t hurt—not yet, but it’s only a matter of time. In the morning, he wakes with a start, shaking off the tendrils of dreams of times past. His doctor arrives bright and early, right on time. He can see the sense of resignation in the man’s eyes—a sense of something that’s almost pity. Haiji watches silently as the doctor gives his old injury one last check and hands him the painkillers.
He doesn’t expect anyone to have noticed the doctor, but perhaps he should have. Kakeru’s voice, in particular, is loud. Worried. Haiji tells them about the visit and assures them that painkillers are just in case. Kakeru’s eyes settle on his own. Haiji sees a kind of acceptance there—it’s different than the doctor’s resigned worry. He’s not sure if he’s reading more into Kakeru’s expression than he should, but to him he sees a look that speaks understanding.
As the race begins again, the knot of anxiety in his stomach tightens. It’s the second and last day. It’s the day the race ends. It’s the day his dream ends. It’s a day of endings. There’s an unsteadiness in his chest as he watches Yuki head down the slope, snow swirling in the background. Yuki flies down the mountain like a blizzard.
He watches Nico-chan senpai and King. He shares a short phone call with Kakeru, wondering what Fujioka could have said to make him sound like that. In the end, all Haiji can think of is the truth. The adrenaline of the day is already pumping through his veins, but his heart picks up a notch. To me, you are the greatest runner. (He only finds out from Joji later, much, much later that Kakeru says he’s in love after hanging up.)
When he watches Kakeru run, even just within the confines of his phone screen, he sees starlight like he always does. But this time, he sees something else too. There’s an air of tranquility. There isn’t a smile on his face, but Kakeru looks content, like he’s glowing with the kind of radiance that can only come from inside.
It isn’t long before he stands at the relay point. Waiting. His heart picks up its pace. The painkillers in his bloodstream silence any inklings of pain. He takes a deep breath in. It’s almost over. He exhales and Kakeru comes into view, the glow in his eyes a hundred times brighter than it was from the screen.
Kakeru runs, and he looks like something heaven sent. His form is beautiful and his speed is hardly human. Haiji blinks and he can almost see wings sprout from his back. (It doesn’t take him long to learn that Kakeru broke the record Fujioka set only eleven minutes prior.)
When Kakeru passes him the sash, he doesn’t say a word aloud but the smile on his face says enough. He passes Haiji the sash, and with it a wish of good luck. The sash is warm from Kakeru’s hands, and it feels heavier than just a piece of cloth. It’s the weight of the hopes of the other nine. But it doesn’t feel like weight. It feels like wings.
Haiji runs knowing this is the last time. He knows his body well enough, by now. He has heard the doctors tell him again and again that it’s only a matter of time. But as he runs, his chest feels light. It’s the final stretch of his dream. He only has a few more minutes left before he wakes, and it flies by. Even as he pushes his body toward the breaking point, he feels complete. Haiji runs toward the finish line. His broken pieces have been put back together and bound with veins of gold. He is whole. For the first time since long ago, he feels whole. And as Kakeru’s face comes into view once more, he knows why.
He smiles as he hurls himself forward. His leg is done for, and there’s some kind of comfort in knowing there’s no way to save it now. Even with the painkillers, his tendons are screaming in agony. He can feel the grinding of gears that no longer fit being forced to work. And yet he runs with a smile on his face. Runs straight forward, right across the finish line. Forward, forward, because he has finished one dream, but he sees the future in front of him—in the starlight at Kakeru’s feet, in the worried lines of his brow, in his arms that steady him as he finally comes to a halt.
It seems like mere instants. It seems like hours. The time he spends clinging to Kakeru passes in a whirlwind of emotion. There’s the elation of having finished the race. He had expected to be lost after he crossed the finish line, but he has never felt more at home than he does huddled against the cold pavement. His leg that he spent so many hours of torture to run with once again is in pieces, yet he has never felt more complete.
Tears sting the corners of his eyes. He blinks the first few back, but Kakeru murmurs you’re strong and you’re my reason for running within the same short breath, and the rest can’t be stopped.
Bonus:
The way home is long, and he spends most of it next to Kakeru. They’re all exhausted by the time the doors of Aotake are in sight once more. Nira greets them with an enthusiastic bark, and the most any of them can muster is a smile and a couple pats on the head. The building that’s usually bustling with activity during waking hours is quiet as they make they’re way to bed.
Kakeru dutifully brings Haiji to his room, unhooking his arm from around his shoulder as they reach the door. He mutters something about an ice pack and hurries out of sight. He appears again a minute later, this time with an ice pack in hand. Even after handing it to Haiji, he hesitates, making it obvious with his body language that he doesn’t want to leave. After a moment, Haiji takes pity on him. The door swings shut behind the two of them.
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choco-style · 4 years
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lately I’ve found myself mind yelling “shut the fuck up” more than usual and I don’t know who to talk to because there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it, I just have to wait to go to school and feel better, which is crazy because the general opinion on school is “god I hate it I just wanna go home” and that’s what I used to think too when I was in my awful 5-8 grade class
and it’s not just real life people I want to shut up, I feel like I’m getting more defensive and my favourite creators are getting called all kinds of things by people who claim to have the higher moral ground (or whatever you call it), when they themselves wish terrible things upon people who have either done nothing wrong, or who have apologized for everything they did wrong. and it’s 99% on tumblr. now I understand why no one fucking likes this site.
and I’m back again in this state where “I wanna go home” doesn’t at all refer to the actual apartment, but to a mentally happy place. and it sounds edgy when your brain says I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home please shut the fuck up
this isn’t even that bad and it’s nothing serious and I don’t know how I feel about all this I just needed to let it out and tumblr is where I can write longass “diary entries” and very few people who I care about will read them, and if someone has a problem with them I don’t give a single shit about their feelings and I hope they get the help they need to not turn into a shitty person or worse.
ive also been kinda mean??like not quite but kinda??? i dont know i just feel like i peaked and now im just kinda there. but im not even in the neutral empty doorway kind of state, its like now im in the room but idk what i wanna do and i need to pee but theres no toilet and im just there. like how dreams feel sometimes,,,,, idk aaagh
during the first 5 days of the week i look forward to the weekend because that keeps me happy and good and nice but then the weekend is the worst part of every week and i look forward to going to school, and now i wont even have this escape because this is the last week were going to school this decade and i have to breathe the same air and hear the same sounds as my family and i dont want to, i wanna go to school and be distracted and plan out my evenings and mornings when im basically alone. or something. i dont know what im talking about. i just dont want winter break. i dont wanna talk to my family when theyre all together. whenever theres even two people from my family in the same room i feel like i want to cry and i end up wishing id made plans or something, anything just to be somewhere else. 
youtube videos arent working anymore. or they are, but not really. i can block out the sound partially but i can still hear other people. and i think its normal but also fucked up. “what is?” well thanks for asking, me in “ “s, having these people argue so much is common but fucked up, having to stop whatever ur doing just to check whether or not a family member is crying, only to find out theyre laughing, is fucked up but maybe common. wanting to be home alone is common and not fucked up i think. going into a mental crisis because youre in this eternal circle of being sad - amplifying it because ur an attention whore - realising ur an attention whore - instead of stopping, u amplify THIS to feel absolutely terrible except not really because its not real or is it - now ur making urself look like the victim of realising ur not the victim. jesus fucking christ u stop thinking about it and it happens again a while later. just shut the fuck up, me. shut the fuck up. make my brain shut the fuck up,  i would literally probably cry happy tears if someone could make me shut the fuck up forever. or maybe i wouldnt but right now i feel like im gonna cry thinking about it. or its just placebo. or not placebo, the negative one. or idk. maybe i was right the first time i dont know. and now my back hurts cuz im like a little bug or whatever im just writing like. reversed arched. i dont know how to explain it lmao. i dont wanna read this thiing ever again but i most likely will! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! be happy lol u knwo the meme thats like cmon work. idk what it was but the reference is in my brain and i feel like i could use it. and now i sound weird. well not weird im just going thru the thing i explained earlier in this thing. but i wont write abt it im just gonna not think about it bc that seems to work really well. felt the need to add ^^ as if im talking to someone or maybe making my thoughts talk to me rn like how i would talk to someone irl lmao.theyve actually been silent for a while so idk.
id title this “if im being honest” to like show im trying to get my rthoughts out with no real filtering but aaah idk. i dont wanna do it bc the title would be like. bigger and semibold and itd draw attention to  it. i want this to not be read by people but maybe someone will. i have like 2 or 3 people in mind who would maybe maybe maybe read this but i dont know. its really not anything so you shouldnt read it. maybe someone could skim this. is that how you say it. also there is some filtering of my thoughts because i dont wanna name anyone im not looking for trouble i just wanna talk into the void and feel better and maybe this is really it. i do feel kind of relaxed now. my uhhh wrists, yeah thats what theyre fcalled, they kinda hurt and my fingers dont hurt but like, the joints are very,,,accentuated? but not like visually they just. i can conciously feel them? and my throat and kinda eyes? thats bc of almost kinda crying but lol idk. and like ive always hated accentuated feelings and i read this thing on wikipedia about sensory overload and idk if its a normal thing that happens like when something stings or hurts or if its a symptom of something or i dont know but ive always kinda joked about it and its also related to tics. ticks? ticks. tics. and its not really what im feeling rn but its a thing that happens sometimes. kind of. but like when u walk up the stairs and u feel ur right leg has been doing/making more effort pushing u up than ur left leg and u try to balance out the effort and it can be hurtful i guess bc if something like an eye or arm hurts u try to balance out the pain and that can be bad dont do that but like i can do it bc i wont do it in bad scenarios. i went off track lololol sorry
this is kind of what my mind speeches and discourses look like so yeah i hope this goes unnoticed or someone notices it and i can just say nah dude im good trust me because i am i think and u should maybe probably trust me bc usually i have it better than everyone i talk to online or in real life so its fine if u trust me because its nothing to worry about really. ur precious and u desrrve more attention than whatever this thingy is. take care of yourself. the only thing ur allowed to think about this post if u read it (or not but like sure), according to my selfish brain, is that oh wow its cool that u tried mimicking (??) ur thoufhts and id be lioke yeah haha i dont even know whats wriitten in here anymroe im cool like that hahahhahahhhhhhhahha hehe hoho hihi you know. so dont feel anything else than indifference and maybe admiration. i wouldnt say the former if this were something i put thought into but it isnt so enjoy! honesty. kinda.
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acupofmatt-blog1 · 5 years
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I Don't Wanna Love You Anymore → MARA :(
Tagging→ @acupofmatt @acuplara
Location→ Lara and Evie’s apartment
Date→ February 16, 2019
Summary→ Lara comes back into Matt’s life with a simple text. Old Matt might’ve replied, but Matt’s different now, so she goes to Lara and Evie’s apartment to confront Matt. Turns out, Lara’s a little different now, too.
NOTE: This is painful as fuck
LARA
i just wanna let you know im back in the city and im sorry for the shits i did to you before ok? i know we aint gonna be chill rn but thats ok i can handle it. i just want you to know im sorry and everything. i hope youre good n shit Shrugging her shoulders, Lara hit 'send' on her phone before tossing it onto her bed. She knew that her being back in the city after months was going to cause some waves with a few people, but she did not have it in her to care. Her fingers gripped the zipper of her suitcase, unzipping it before she began the journey of unpacking her clothes. Her time away with family that she hadn't really met before had been humbling. She was under the watchful eye of her father for most of the time, which meant she was hardly under cause to misbehave like she normally would have outside of the US borderlines. Now that she was back? That was a different story. However, she wasn't an idiot. She knew that her biggest problem was going to be with Matt, and for good reason. Whenever Lara had left, she knew that she had ended things horribly with the girl. She was scared and quite frankly, her sudden departure to Singapore with her father was something that sat wrong with her for a while. It was wrong. It was mean. It wasn't her. As time passed though, Lara realized it was probably for the best. Matt deserved better than someone that was going to flake because things were growing serious. Shaking her head, Lara gripped her emptied suitcase before she was exiting her room to store it in one of the hallway closets. Her roommates weren't going to be home for a while, and it was more than a good enough time to spend some quality time with the joint located in her pocket.
MATT
Matt was on cloud 9. Things were looking up for her. Reagan decided to give them a chance. They weren't official or anything, but Matt was committed to making them work. She wanted this. A new start. Whatever past mistakes she made in other relationships, Matt was not going to bring to this new, potential one. No lies, no leading on, no hot and cold, no communication, no walls--no. Matt was still the same, but emotionally? She grew the fuck up. It took her a while. A long, long while, but Matt liked where she was. After Lara left, the first few weeks, Matt didn't sleep with anyone. Because Lara was going to come back. It was a test. And Matt wasn't going to mess up this time. But then? Weeks turned to month, then months. And Matt knew she wasn't coming back. So she slept around. A lot. Way too much. Matt held it the fuck in. Until she couldn't--because Matt wasn't that girl anymore. Matt allowed herself to feel. So then she laid it on the table: Lara left her. Lara wasn't coming back. That's when Matt cried to herself for a while. Until she got over it. It helped not seeing Lara. It made it easier to forget how she felt. And then things changed. Matt met Reagan and there went Matt again--putting up walls. But she couldn't. Matt was different now. She couldn't put up walls to Reagan. Things got complicated, but now they were here. Getting somewhere. Matt could really see things looking up for her. Then her phoned chimed.
Matt expected it to be Reagan. They had been texting since Matt got home. But no. It was Lara. Matt dropped her phone when she saw the text. What the fuck. Matt's first thought was to run away. Hop a flight to Chicago and never hear from anyone ever again, but Matt wasn't a little bitch. She was going to deal with this. Once Matt read the message, Matt realized she wasn't a little bitch--she was a BIG bitch. And she was pissed. Three months. Nearly four. And this is all she gets from Lara. The months of pain, of crying herself to sleep, of waiting, of longing, of anger...and all she gets is "sorry for the shits i did to you?” “Are you fucking kidding me?” Matt asked aloud with a bitter laugh. “Fucking unbelievable.” Matt could leave it on read and move on. But no. Lara couldn’t even say what she was sorry about. Was she even sorry? Sorry that she left? Matt said it was for “understandable reasons” that Lara left but what was the reason? Matt did EVERYTHING right. Matt owned up to her mistakes and worked HARD to fix them. Lara just leaving was not an “understandable reason.” And Matt needed Lara to know that.(edited)
So Matt grabbed her phone and bag and headed to Lara and Evie’s apartment. Matt hadn’t been here in months. It felt like a distant memory. A memory she could barely remember. Matt scoffed. Fuck the sentimental bullshit, Matt was pissed. Matt immediately knocked on the door and as soon as it opened, Matt’s breath hitched when she saw it was Lara. Lara. Her firefly. Her Lara baby. The girl Matt was a little fool for. The girl Matt was in love with. The girl Matt called her fucking fresh start. The girl that left her. Twice. The girl that broke her heart. The girl that almost made her quit on love. Matt composed herself and looked straight at Lara. “Sorry for the shits I did to you? Do you fucking call that an apology? We need to fucking talk. Because I do that now. Not that you’d know anything about it.” Matt pushed past Lara and stepped inside. Matt had balls when she needed them.
LARA
As Lara lit the joint in between her fingers, she managed to walk around her apartment. She needed to get reacquainted with everything, and the best time to do that was whenever Evie wasn't home. Truth be told, she had been home for almost 24 hours, and most of that 24 hours had been spent with all the talks and conversations and catching up's between her and her best friend. She was out of the apartment now, so Lara was having some alone time. She puffed on her joint as she made her way into the kitchen, living room, and landed back in her bedroom. God, it was almost pathetic the amount of memories that were located in such a room. So many fights and make ups and happy memories lay within the four walls and honestly, it was suffocating. She felt bad for the way she had left things with so many people, and quite frankly, she was happy to be back. She was better. She was braver. She was... apparently expecting company. At the sound of the knocking on her door, Lara put her joint out, leaving it laying haphazardly in the ashtray on her desk. She would revisit that little buddy later on. "Coming," Lara shouted, unsure of what was going to meet her. Either Evie had forgotten her key, there was some strange surprise Postmates driver for her, or someone had gotten word of her being back. Or... "Um..." Lara mumbled as she opened the door, immediately hit with the fiery words of the one and only, Matt Solis. She hadn't expected her to show up at her door. Maybe she wasn't as brave as she thought she had become.
"I admit the delivery could have been better," Lara started as she sighed out her words, pushing the door to a close before resting her forehead against the material as she waited. She hadn't prepared for this, and quite frankly, the slight buzz that her smoking had caused was clouding her judgment. "I... do you want to start or should... I?" She paused momentarily as she turned around, meeting the eyes of her ex... girlfriend? Things had been murky on what they were before she had left but god, they had been something beautiful. "You look.... pissed, look I'm sorry, Matt. I don't know what else you want me to say here." Her words flowed quickly out of her lips as she stared at the girl before her, knowing that she was the one in the wrong here.
MATT
God, Matt both wanted Lara to shut the fuck up because the shit coming out of her mouth was aggravating her, but she also wanted her to say MORE than whatever bullshit she came up out with. "I am pissed. I'm pissed about a lot of things, actually. You know, I thought seeing you again I'd be this big, stupid ass fool running to your arms again, but ha, you got me fucked up. I'm angry. I'm upset. You..." Matt shook her head. "I don't want your apology, Lara." Matt looked at Lara. "I want you to say to my face exactly what you did. Say that you left. Say that you fucking walked away. Say that you're a fucking hypocrite. Say you're just as bad as I was for just. saying. words." Matt felt her eyes well up because God this was a lot happening right now. "And fucking say you're a coward. A big fucking coward who couldn't even talk to me, but fuck yeah...you could fuck me, right? You fucking ate your words, Lara. I was just another body to you, in the end." Matt shook her head. "So go. Own up to your shit. Because I'm not leaving until you say something." Matt wanted to scream, if she was being honest. Matt wanted to break down in tears and just sob because why would Lara show up now? When things were getting so good for Matt? When Matt was finally becoming better? "You have a lot of fucking nerve sending me a simple text like that when you did more than that. You...let me tell you how I felt. I felt like shit. I felt abandoned. You didn't even--you couldn't even--" Matt felt her lower lip tremble and Matt forced herself to hold it together. "I felt like it was my fault and that I did something to mess it up since most of the time, it was always blamed on me. That I wasn't ready. That I was the one that put up walls. That I was the asshole who couldn't give such an amazing girl a chance....so tell me."
LARA
The more that Matt spoke, the more that Lara felt her defenses crumbling. She knew that she was the one in the wrong between the two of them, but knowing and admitting were two very different things. However, Matt was right. Matt was right about every single thing that she was saying, and Lara knew that. "Matt," Lara started before she was raising her hand to pinch the bridge of her nose. She really wished that she hadn't smoked before Matt had showed up at her apartment. Things were far too hazy for her to genuinely discuss and paint a picture of how she was feeling about things. "Can I just... can you just give me... a second? One fucking second." Her voice was short and curt, knowing that she was more aggravated with herself than absolutely anything that Matt was saying. "I left. I walked away. I'm a fucking hypocrite. I'm a coward. I'm everything, okay? I saw a way out whenever it came to going to my cousins wedding with my dad and I went with it. Leaving was easier than dealing with... I don't know, trying? Trying to make things work whenever I was going to be a world away. I don't..." Lara paused for a second as she swallowed hard, looking down at her hands as she began fiddling with her fingers. "I don't know what the fuck I was thinking whenever I left, but I just know that I am sorry for how I left things. You don't have to believe me for even a fucking second, but I just need you to know I am sorry. And I-I..." Another pause. Lara brought her hands up, running her fingers through her hair as she looked anywhere but at Matt. It was easier to ignore the rising feeling of panic if she wasn't looking at the girls tear filling eyes.
"I never want you feeling like shit or abandoned or... or any of that shit. I never wanted that but I just... I don't know. It's not your fault. Nothing about this is your fault because you were... you were perfect. You were doing everything possible to make me feel safe and secure and I ruined it. And I know I did that. And I'm sorry for that. I don't know... what happened in my head to think that it was fine leaving, but I did. And now we're here and I just..." Lara paused once more as she wet her lips, throwing her arms out at her sides before shrugging her shoulders. "I'm not asking for anything. I just... thought you should know directly from me that I was back. I didn't want you hearing from anyone else or seeing me out or... or I don't know. I'm sorry I sent just a text."
MATT
Matt closed her eyes as Lara spoke because she was trying not to glare at Lara. Granted, Matt wasn't being very chill at the moment--Matt was still working on the whole execution of talking about feelings. But she was trying--more than she could say about Lara who gave her yet another bullshit answer. Matt took a deep breath as she looked at Lara. "I felt it. And for a long time, I acted like I deserved it for the shit I put you through but I don't--I didn't. You know what I deserved? I deserved for you to talk to me. I deserved you to fucking tell me you couldn't do this. I deserved you to not be a fucking coward who runs away. That's what I deserved Lara." Matt took a good look at Lara. It was the same girl physically. Same Lara. But everything else? It felt like looking at a different person. Matt didn't know who this was. Her Lara? No. Not that Lara. It felt odd. It felt like talking to a stranger. And what a tragedy that was--to have so much history with a person and for it to go back to being strangers. "Don't call me that. Perfect. I'm not. I'm working on being better. I'm not perfect, but I was so ready to try to be better. For you. For me. For us. I had so many hopes and you broke them. You tore them up. I was ready to give up on love completely because I thought nothing could compare to you. Ever. You were it to me, is that what made you run away? Did it fucking scare you that someone wanted you so badly?" Matt felt tears running down her face. "Did it terrify you that someone changed for you? That someone loved you so fucking much that they were willing to do anything to have you. I was a god damn fool for you Lara, and you stepped all over it." Matt paused. Lara just ran away. Things got scary and she ran. Much like Matt back then. But it was more than that.
When Matt slept with Scout, Matt was compared to Lara's mom. That Matt was no better for leaving. And then when Matt physically left to Chicago after telling Lara she loved her, Matt was once again no fucking better than Lara's mom. Made her feel that same abandonment. Well, this time, Matt felt a lot like Lara did back then. And Lara? Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. And the realization hit Matt like a pile of bricks. "Jesus..." Matt trailed off as she put her hands on her face and sniffled. "Lara..." Matt sighed. "You...you're..." Matt sighed again. Matt couldn't say it. How could she? It was a lot. It was heavy. It was the truth. And Matt didn't say just words anymore. And Lara had to hear this. Because this is how Matt felt. And Matt was still so god damn angry. “You’re still not admitting to anything. You’re just saying my words back to me. But when are you going to fucking admit that you’re exactly like your fucking mom?” Matt spit out. “You’re just like her. You leave…every time it gets hard. And you gave me so much shit for it when I did it. But you? You do the same thing! The moment things are great for us—that fucking…that terrifies you. So you leave. But you don’t fucking let me GO.” Matt let out a shaky breath. “You cling onto me, still, and then you come back and pull me back in and I fell for it every. damn. time. I’m done. I’m not going to be used anymore. I’m not that girl anymore. I’m not that fucking Matt. I’m not your fucking princesa anymore. Because this time around I’m trying to look out for myself and by doing that, believe it or not, I’m looking out for you. So can you at least fucking admit that, Lara? Can you at least admit you’re a flake who can’t stay for me, but you’ll still hold on for dear life? That you leave and make me sit around and wait for you to do it all over again. I’m your fucking drug Lara…you only come to get your fix and then you leave…I’m not doing that anymore.”
LARA
With every passing word, Lara felt herself shrinking in size. Not physically, but mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually. She knew that everything Matt was saying was right. She had changed everything about how she was with relationships to be good enough for Lara and Lara ruined them. She sighed heavily as things progressed, knowing that she was the epitome of a fuck up. She had left Matt with no word and was now going to have to face the consequences. She knew this and there was no arguing that. However, whenever the conversation flipped into something more, something heavier? Lara's eyes immediately switched to Matt. Her eyes bored onto the girl's face as her eyebrow raised at Matt's words. When are you going to fucking admit that you're exactly like your fucking mom?
The words felt like ice being thrown on her body. She felt like she was going to be physically ill with the way her body was heating up with anger. "Get out." Lara said, her voice soft as she closed her eyes, shaking her head in disbelief. "Get the fuck out, Matt. Get. Out." Regardless of the truth that could be lying with the girls words, there was far too much residual pain from her mother leaving her and her father for Lara to begin to sort through. Much less, hearing the words coming from someone like Matt. She knew that she had said a thing or two about Matt being just like her mother whenever she had left before, but it was a different form of malice in her mind for Matt to be throwing her words back at her. Throwing her life experiences back at her. "Get the fuck out of my apartment, Matt. I'm not fucking kidding. Get out. And fuck off." She felt tears stinging her eyes as the words circled around her head, mudding the way that her thought processes were working. Her mother had left because there was something better for her lying in the form of another man other than her own husband, not because she was scared. It was something that, if in a different mindset, Lara would have been able to clarify about, but instead, she was resulting in anger. Shutting down. Despair. Regardless of what it was, Lara felt like she was about to break down in the fiercest of ways and the last person she wanted around for the show was Matt fucking Solis.
MATT
This always happened. Matt opened up about something--something honest and real--and Lara kicked her out. The last time? When Matt told Lara she slept with Scout and leading Lara on to something neither understood yet. This time? Because Matt told Lara something Lara needed to hear. Just how Matt needed to hear Lara tell her months ago the pain she felt for what Matt did with Scout. For taking Scout back. For leading her on. For saying just words. For never letting Lara in. For always being emotionally unavailable. Matt listened--it hurt like a bitch, but Matt still listened. But Lara? When she heard something too true? She resorted to either running or pushing you away. Matt chuckled dryly. "That's familiar. I've heard that before. This is you pushing me away but the moment you start to miss me and need that fix? You expect me to come crawling back." And a part of Matt hated that this was true.
"I don't expect you to admit that truth to yourself. I'll leave, Lara. I'll fucking go. But don't expect me to be that idiot that crawls right back to you. The moment I step out of this fucking door, I'm gone. I'm no longer...I'm not yours anymore. Because you can't even give me closure--or maybe this is fucking closure. Seeing you for who you really are." Matt voice cracked as she felt tears coming down her cheeks. "So if you tell me to leave again...I'm gone. You don't get to have me anymore. I just want you to know that." Matt shook her head. "It kills me to say that. It does." If Matt was going to leave, Lara had to know. About Reagan. And why walking away from this. Their history. Their tragically beautiful story...it was a little easier than she thought it would be. But maybe it was also because she saw Lara clearly this time...and she felt like a fucking idiot. And she didn't want to feel that way anymore. "I found someone, Lara. So don't think I'm coming back to you. You fucked up. And I deserve to be happy and if you won't even give me this...closure? Fine. But at least you can see yourself for what you are." Matt walked towards the door slowly, waiting to see if Lara would stop her.
LARA
Lara tipped her head back as she heard Matt beginning to speak again, wanting more than anything for her to stop. Everything to stop. She needed a breather or twenty so that she could deal with everything that was getting thrown at her. She needed things to take a moment. Take a seat. Take a break so that she could catch up to everything that was happening. Matt was being so brutally and painfully honest with her, and all Lara could do was freeze up and ignore everything that she knew was most likely right in the end. She swallowed hard as Matt was turning to leave before she was shaking her head. "I never expected you to be here waiting. I'm a fucking idiot and a bitch and an awful person, but I never expected little Mattie Solis to be waiting here for me. I have more fucking respect for you than to believe that." Lara delivered with a cold voice as she exhaled shakily. She needed to try and find some sort of calmness from within her. Matt was being real with her. Honest. She couldn't fault her for such a thing. "I want you... to be happy more than anything and I just... I'm not going to get in between that, okay? I'm not. But you do not have the...." Lara felt her body tensing up again at the simple thought of her mother before she was exhaling shakily and shaking her head. "Just... go. This is your closure. Whatever you're wanting this is..." Lara paused for a moment as she felt the tears welling in her eyes falling down her cheeks. She felt panicked. She felt anxious. She felt like a goddamn mess, but that was okay. She was allowed to feel that. "I hurt you and I know I did. I'm not... I don't... Expect anything but I can't... Just... please? Please go. I..." She shook her head before shrugging her shoulders once more and laughing pathetically. "Go be happy with your someone new and good and... better than me. Just go."
MATT
More than anything, Matt wanted to wrap her arms around Lara and kiss her and tell her she loved her, still, and apologize for being too mean and that it wasn't true. None of it. And that they could just be happy. But that wasn't reality. What Matt said was true. Should she have said all at once? No. That was kinda...a lot. But Lara needed to hear it. Even if Lara hated Matt for the rest of her life... Matt had to. It didn't matter, anyway. Whether Lara hated her or not, they weren't the same anymore. They were two different people. Two ghosts of their past selves clinging onto their back trying to revive what they use to be. But it was dead. They were dead. And it pained Matt so much that she started crying and nodded. "I'll go." Matt managed to say. "I don't know if I'll be happy like you say...but I'll go." Matt opened the door and paused. "I hope you'll be able to see what I was trying to do...sometime in the future. I hope you're able to see it." Matt said before walking away and closing the door, making it to the end of the hallway before leaning over to let out the sob she had been holding back the entire time. Because Matt knew. She lost Lara completely.
LARA
As Matt walked out the door with her final words, Lara was following her. She said not a word as a reply, but the moment Matt was pulling the door shut behind her, Lara was pushing it shut with a loud bang. She felt panicked. She felt like she was about to pass out from the anger that was riddling her body. She felt like she was about to drop to the floor with the guilt and regret that was washing over her. A part of her knew that Matt was right. The going was getting good, but it was way too good. So she walked away without a second glance. She knew that there was a part of that that was right, but she didn't care. She couldn't focus on that right now. "Welcome fuckin' back, Lara. You piece of shit," she spoke aloud to herself as she shook her head, allowing her foot to collide with the door in front of her in a last ditch attempt to be angry with Matt. She knew Matt was right, but there wasn't a chance in hell that she was going to work herself through that right now.
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trainingbrahs-blog · 5 years
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Still no Tide Pods ™
Vik - This blog is the Pink Pearl Dim Sum Restaurant of blogs; a phoenix continuously arising from the ashes of blog obscurity. Let’s quickly recap all the relevant blog nonsense that I roll out each time we post, as if something may have changed and I’m not exactly the same ratchet ass ho that I’ve always been.
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1) I still smoke. I’m quitting tomorrow. I don’t even feel bad anymore.
2) Wife-life-post-break-up-after-party has slowed down since Darcie is “happy” and in a “relationship.” Jokes, Kabir-Darcie is my fave 2019 combo. Karcie? Dabir? Still working on that one.
3) I haven’t competed since Worlds, and am totes cool with it. I’m mad chill rn.
4) Am going to be a purple belt forever, which is also very relaxing. Purple belt middle weight NAGA 2024 is gonna be my time to shine. I’m truly settling into mediocrity.
5) Tide pods still haven’t reached out to sponsor this blog. I’m shocked. And hurt. Our influencer status is shaky at best..
Darcie and I started working together this year and opened a home for precariously housed high risk teens. We are deep in co-lease, three joint bank account, coparent life. To be clear, this is on top of my FULL TIME JOB. And you know, because we are maniacs we also decided to start a non profit. It seemed like a natural progression, and since our feminism is constantly referred to as rabid (I see you puffy chested male identified boo boos) we wanted to find a way to assert our values (aka rabid feminism) by financially subsidizing female competitors, paying experienced women equitable fees to teach seminars and generally creating space through women only open mats to beat each other up on the reg. There’s probably a link to the non profit in this blog, so be a good person and buy a sweater or donate your hard earned dollars to support the local women in your jiu jitsu community. Also shout out to Kaboom and BCJJF for supporting this work and the female jiu jitsu community, you guys are all just the sweetest allies.
#influencer.
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Since I’m not competing this year, I’ve been really enjoying getting my jiu jitsu groove back and am becoming low key obsessed with lifting heavy things. This bisch is not only chubby but also jacked now. Honestly, still mainly chubby, but a little bit jacked too. Also I think I’m going to start smoking weed. It may not go well, I ruined my brain with acid in the 90’s, and this is a potentially catastrophic experiment. More on that next time, you’ll know if it becomes a thing when I abruptly start training at 10th Planet.
I don’t have a good anchoring, concluding paragraph, so instead, I’ll just see you all at women’s open mat, and on the sidelines of every local comp cheering for all my pals.
Xo
Vik
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Darc- Live from traction: It’s a recap of the last 3 months of my life!
You guys, Year of the Matriarchy 2019 started off hot. We made homes for kids, started supporting she-athletes and I competed a bunch! Here are some things that we were too busy with in real life for me to regale you with earlier:
1. I moved house twice! YES TWO TIMES. You guys, I am so good at moving. If you need any tips on Frogbox or where to get the best budget furniture, I’m your lady. The answer is Wayfair.ca btw. Anyway, I’m done moving for a while because it’s the pits even when you’re a pro and this new place seems pretty good. Also I promised my cat we’d stay a while.
2. The Portland Open is a thing now and I competed there. I learned an important lesson about always calling ahead to make sure your hotel room has a bathtub (Expedia is a house of lies) and did my first ever side smash so I could feel like a real Lovato/Kaboom student. Yes, it took me 7 months to figure out. I’m not a natural smasher. Also, I was savagely triangled in the finals. (Hi, Naomi!) So I also learned that. Don’t get triangled.
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3. I competed at the Rev again in Tacoma. Everyone should compete at the Rev. It is consistently the most well run tournament I have ever been to. And I’m not just saying that ‘cause I (HUMBLEBRAG) won. I also learned that making weight after Christmas is hard and had to make some risky underwear choices to save .2 of a lb. But don’t worry, I’ve since invested in some ultra light back up pants for these situations to save you all from accidentally seeing my ass in the future. #competitor
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4. I won silver at Pans! I’ve never really done well in major competitions. The last time I was at Pans was 2016 and I got subbed so quickly that Vicky missed my fight trying to get from downstairs to upstairs to watch it and I cried like a kid on Chad’s shoulder. I didn’t win a single match in a big competition until last year’s World Masters, then I got subbed in round 2. So this was a big win for me. Kabir overheard a girl on the mat next to mine finish her first fight and say to her coach “Woah. Nobody sucks here,” which is hilarious and true. Nobody sucks at Pans and Worlds, guys. Those fights are fucking hard.
5. I somehow managed to hurt myself real bad trying to do an armbar in the quarter finals then fought two more times because I’m an idiot. By the finals, I couldn’t lift my left arm or stop my head from turning all the way to the right and I got triangled in ten seconds. You guys! DON’T. GET. TRIANGLED! Then I had public jiu jitsu cry #2 because adrenaline masked how hurt I was and I was just disappointed about losing. Anyway, that was the last time I did jiu jitsu and I’m still living a life of pain. The medical folks say the left side of my thoracic spine got crunched up in some sort of shitty armbar perfect storm and a bunch of ribs popped off my back and now I live in a world of pain. I had a CT scan yesterday and my spine and nerve roots are healthy, so now I’ve just gotta wait my full recovery out. Also, I’m 2 for 2 on Pan American cries. What’s up with that? Also armbars are supposed to hurt the other person. Come on, Omori.
So anyway, catch me also on the sidelines til this shit resolves. Look for the girl in the Cascadia Women’s Fight Club sweater, right next to the really loud shroud of red hair.
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Don't get triangled,
Darc
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gulescamisade · 7 years
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Alaska: Day 6
DAVE: -at this point, he's probably right up against karkat and mituna. karkat for the purposes of comforting him, and mituna because he's the warmest motherfucker here. and daves likely warmer than mituna, so win-win. he's wide awake, shivering, in an undershirt and boxers. His head is pounding although he feels tired, the dizziness still very much a thing, so much that it's making him sick. he's doing everything he can to stay grounded, which means highly relying on emotional defenses he used a long time ago. GOTTA KEEP GOING. GOTTA STAY ALIVE. even if he feels like he's going to puke-
MITUNA: -His left arm is essentially just for show by now. After it essentially breaking against the wing of a buzzard his arm being separated at the joint entirely, it was useless. Well except for consistently reminding him that he's in excruciating pain. Dave moving causes lava to fire through his nerves, making him scream awake and vomit from pain. These megaman boxers do nothing.-
DAVE: -widens his eyes at the scream and vomiting and turns to look at mituna incredibly apologetically- s sorry
DAVE: k kind of a d dick way to s say s s sorry but i r really am
MITUNA: -He sniffs, wretching a little before regaining what little composure he has. At least this pain distracted from the screams in his head. He doesn't think he could bear hearing Terezi rn-
MITUNA: a7 lea57 i know i75 57ill a77ached hehe FUCK
MINDFANG: -With their talking shes starting to stir from what could supposedly be called sleep, not that she had been able to get more then a few minutes now and then. Shes not far from the pile of boys and she opens her one eye to look at them.-
DAVE: hahaha yeah -he's not quite sure he can make it out of this without frostbite. damn his vulnerable human anatomy and his fucking back which is making it hard to move at all- so
DAVE: anyone got a p plan
MINDFANG: I have.... 8een considering...options. -Takes a short breath in between every few words.-
MITUNA: 5park5 are 57ill ou7 of commi55ion
MITUNA: really 5hor7 lived -Leans more on Dave even though holy shit this hurts. Get this warmth-
MINDFANG: My powers are.... also... still unavaila8le. MINDFANG: I attempted....using them while.... you were sleeping. -Directed at Mituna. Yes she tried to pry into your mind, but sadly to no avail.-
MITUNA: dick move
DAVE: ch challenge one of those asswipes to a r rap battle -chattering teeth- h hey whos that one g guy who l likes troll p pokemon
MINDFANG: Smart actually.... If it.... worked on you... then i could consider...trying it.... on... our guards.
DAVE: ho dont do it
MITUNA: youre 7hinking abou7 7av and ruf
MINDFANG: I just said I cant-- -She hisses and then cringes immediately after. Instant regret her ribcage is onfire.-
DAVE: hey maybe if we just g glue ourselves to each o other we can have o one functioning b body
MITUNA: wi7h wha7 dildo hole
DAVE: good question
MINDFANG: Do you...have...an answer?
DAVE: fuck no
MINDFANG: Then your idea...is useless.
DAVE: d did they also j jack up your s sense of humor
MINDFANG: No, 8ut you seem... to have never had any to 8egin with.
MINDFANG: Also...Fuck jokes right now.
DAVE: burned
DAVE: iced
NYALAH: -with as much blood loss, the trauma of injury that her body has endured, and the lack of treatment, Nyalah is quite literally struggling to be alive right now. The only indication that she ISN'T dead is the shallow tick of her pulse. Otherwise, her blood matted body remains bound and crumbled. Too still against the frozen, terrible conditions of their imprisonment.-
MINDFANG: Refrain from mentioning...ice. -Shes shivering already. Underwear and tanktops do not make for good snow gear.-
DAVE: fire
DAVE: -poor nyalah... he wishes he could help her-
MINDFANG: -Please dont die Nyalah, thats a lot of bodies.-
MINDFANG: 8etter.
DAVE: you know what would be cool
DAVE: having a robot limb
DAVE: hows that workin out for you serko
MITUNA: i could u5e one righ7 abou7 now
MINDFANG: -Shes staring so hard at dave right now.-
MINDFANG: -Maybe if she thinks hard enough he will choke on his own spit.-
MINDFANG: If we survive this...
MINDFANG: Ill 8e certain you get one.
DAVE: thanks
DAVE: youre the real mvp
MINDFANG: You are welcome.
NYALAH: -at some point, her breathing is becoming rapid pants. Limbs twitching with tiny convulsions.-
MITUNA: 5hi7
MINDFANG: -Nyahla gains her attention. Oh dear, looks like the cat isnt going to survive after all.-
MINDFANG: -She frowns. Its really a terrible way to go.-
MITUNA: no no no no no no no -Flops and starts trying to inch to her-
DAVE: anybody know anything medical DAVE: that might help DAVE: -also attempts crawling toward her. Shit his back is SCREAMING-
MINDFANG: Not...without the supplies to...8ack it up.
MINDFANG: -She looks away from Nyalah now, out of respect.- 8e 8etter off ending her suffering.
DAVE: wheres her main injury coming from
DAVE: where is she bleeding out the most -he is working his way out of his under shirt, ripping it with his teeth so he can get it off. he may just have to use it to warm her-
NYALAH: -that would be the stapled gash from the vulture beak on her side. It's been agrivated as they were tossed around and not exactly been allowed to heal. She even lies on her belly as an unconscious attempt to guard it. And with the blood that had seeped from the crushing of her horn, things were not looking up for her.-
DAVE: -he decides YES he will use his shirt to warm her, and just kind of identifies her injuries so he doesn't hurt her, laying the torn shirt over her curled body and positioning himself so he's against her where it's least harmful-
MITUNA: -Gently flops over her to keep her warm-
NYALAH: -after a half hour of difficulty, her breathing begins to stablize and she passes out once again. Still breathing.-
DAVE: -we're doing good. mostly-
NYALAH: -it's another half hour before she starts to stir. Sniffing at the bitter air. What might be Dave's hair.- (hff)
NYALAH: (daven)
DAVE: no the better d dave -ITS SO COLD BUT SHES AWAKE AND TALKING THATS GOOD-
NYALAH: ....none better d than daven only ask him -It's strange. She's not so raspy or slurring at her words like she usually is. Could be she hasnt had nip in a while or. Who knows. She curls closer to him.- huddle
DAVE: ok thats t tmi but yeah huddle -WARMTH-
NYALAH: -shift shift. There's someone draped on her.-
MITUNA: -hisses- ow fuck
NYALAH: wait
NYALAH: -slowly starts to pry herself to sit, regretting her own actions but. She's gotta.- psion
NYALAH: -sniffs him.-
NYALAH: dislocation? -asking for a friend. She's sitting up more now, face scrunched up in pain. There's still a considerable welp on her cheek from being slapped around.-
MITUNA: -Groans- yeah and i 7hink i75 broken below the elbow his arm is having a bad time-
NYALAH: kay -hffs, starting to shrug off Dave's shirt. Using only her toes, she stuffs the rag into Mituna's mouth.-
NYALAH: stay -Now bringing her feet over to set by his shoulder. The contortionist cat. Keeps him in place.- sorry in advances
NYALAH: -and then applies a swift force to snap the joint back into place.-
MITUNA: -His scream dies in his gag. She's forced in back in place but disturbed the stab wound that caused the dislocation in the first place, blood gushing from his shoulder.-
NYALAH: shhhh -picks the shirt from his mouth and presses it against the wound. Brow furrowed in concentration. Even using that much force was agrivating her own wound.- n33ds catalyst
MITUNA: oh my fucking FUCK
NYALAH: lay still -doing her best to staunch the ooze of blood. Eyes bright with pain.-
DAELOS: - swings back into consciousness. he wasn't even aware he has slipped in the first place, he's so cold. he can't believe what he's seeing at first, Nyalah moving around after sustaining such heavy injuries. His snorty breath coming out in puffs as he drags himself over.-
[[ The Expunger isn't around currently, and the legislacerators that are there don't seem to be doing anything to stop their talking or mending one another. One of them simply watches. ]]
NYALAH: -puts her whole blood stained paw foot on Daelos's face.- alive
MITUNA: -Choking back sobs, the air stinging his cheeks- 57op moving dunka55
DAELOS: - Shocked for a second, and then kisses that bloody foot- I can see that
DAELOS: - He has nothing to offer but his weight. He leans it in to help her with Mituna-
DAELOS: - It should make things go faster-
NYALAH: -gross. Totally helping Mituna spoon with Daelos.-
MITUNA: -Jesus Christ his world is on fire. It's hard to tell if the screaming in his head is his or the voices-
DAELOS: - Gently crushes you-
NYALAH: -looking that one Legislacerator in the eyes as she attempts the wiggle her biocuffed arms under her butt. Gonna sit on these arms and manuever them up to her front.-
SEAKRAIT: -watches her do this... and the other legislacerators are too preoccupied looking out around them. She doesn't do anything to stop Nyalah.-
NYALAH: -okay cool. Uses her still bound front paws to keep pressing the shirt to Mituna.- NYALAH: sp33k to me
MITUNA: 7hi5 big blue 7ain7fuck i5 colder 7han fi5h nook
DAELOS: Rude... e%ceedingly rude -he will keep lovingly crushing u tho-
NYALAH: best things in life are cold as fish nook NYALAH: fur example NYALAH: fish nook -chirring as best she can. Comforting.-
MITUNA: -Maybe one day...he will know-
NYALAH: -Pls.-
MINDFANG: -Yall are being gross.-
DAELOS: - Scandalized snort. - Really Nyalah
NYALAH: its survival
MITUNA: -Wonders how Feferi is, suddenly-
FEFERI: -Pretty glubbing dead! Like always!-
MITUNA: -Lol get rekt-
NYALAH: -keeping her arms close to her middle, she is giving these biotech cuffs a careful look ver.-
NYALAH: -discreetly shows them to Daelos for him to have a peep at. He's the one who might know how they work and all.-
DAELOS: - Has an intent peep.-
DAELOS: - Of course he knows how they work, but he kind of averts his gaze. He doesn't want to cause a scene and get someone else battered or killed-
NYALAH: -That's good enough for her. She starts to scoot off and inspect Mindfang.- mrrp
REDGLARE: -She's been pretty quiet-- it's hard to tell the difference between her being awake and her being asleep, aside from the speed of her breathing. Her eye opens, and she casts a glance towards the group-- failing to linger for more than a second on each face-- before closing it again.-
MINDFANG: -Her eyes are shut, she was trying to at least pretend she was asleep in hopes that maybe it would give her a brief reprieve from the pain she was in with fractures and a break or two all over her ribcage. At least she hasnt lost a lung yet.-
MINDFANG: -When Nyalah approaches though her eye squints open.- .........What are you doing. -Keeps her arms wrapped around herself.-
NYALAH: -sniffs her.- s33ing
NYALAH: -scoots painfully past her to inspect Redglare.-
REDGLARE: -her leg is gross. bad and getting worse a little too rapidly. She doesn't acknowledge her outwardly.-
MINDFANG: You yourself should 8e resting....
MINDFANG: Its impressive you are still 8reathing now...Do not push it.
NYALAH: -hffs and sacrifices her own shirt to attempt to bind Redglares leg with. All she's left with is a sports bra and how visible and equally gross the gash on her side is.- im pushing it
NYALAH: til i cant push no more
MITUNA: -Groans-
 REDGLARE: -opens an eye again to look at her. She's not sure she understands this... why she's doing this.-
NYALAH: -because it's the harder thing to do. Also she almost died about an hour ago and is probably only moving out of adrenaline shots.-
DAELOS: - Silently gets emotional about this cat. -
KARKAT: =She's doing it because she's a good person and someone has to. He's not really responding to all of this just watching it. Heartwarming as it is. He's just been stupidly crying on and off in the cold but at least someone's got their shit together=
[[ Seakrait straightens up and looks elsewhere pretty quick, almost like she's hearing something no else is. ]]
SEAKRAIT: Yes, sir.
SEAKRAIT: Everyone on your feet!
NYALAH: butt face
NYALAH: -stays huddled with Redglare.-
DAELOS: Nyalah, obey them
DAELOS: Please
DAELOS: - Panicked-
NYALAH: -okay well she's going to stay to help Redglare stand then.-
REDGLARE: -She blinks her eye, looking up at Seakrait. Her voice is kind of quiet as she murmurs.- l3g's w34k. N33d to-- ngh. -holding onto her support.-
REDGLARE: ...Th4nk you.
SEAKRAIT: Orders are to relocate, -she snaps to the rest of the legislacerators.- \|/e're taking them to the pitfall.
KARKAT: =Great. a hole to put them all in=
MITUNA: 7ha7 game 5uck5
NYALAH: -quickly skirts her arms up behind her back and bows with the pain of having to stand.- i have two whole leg
NYALAH: and you two good horn
NYALAH: its even exchange
REDGLARE: h4h.
SEAKRAIT: -She reaches out and grabs onto Karkat's arm, deciding to drag him along in front of the group.- Move.
DAELOS: - Does his best to stand. It's not easy. One leg is useless and his good one is split at the foot. He wobbles. -
NYALAH: -limps along with RG.-
[[ Legislacerators still flank the group on all sides, encouraging their trek. ]]
KARKAT: =clenches his jaw and fights to not jerk his arm back. But he's just so goddamn tired of this and their game=
REDGLARE: - it's one dang slow trudge, that's for sure.-
DAELOS: - He tries to take a step. He falls. -
MITUNA: -He's trudging along-
MITUNA: -Stops for Daelos-
SEAKRAIT: -oh gdi. She snaps back at Mituna and Mindfang- You two get him moving.
REDGLARE: -glances over at Daelos... Eye drifting towards Seakrait again as she barks an order.-
REDGLARE: th1s wh4t you s1gn3d up for?
DAELOS: - Maybe he could shuffle if he has a wall to lean on or if the ground was not snow but at this stage he cannot walk. It's humiliating of course but not compared to the rest of their situation. -
MITUNA: how do you propo5e we do 7ha7 nookbrea7h
SEAKRAIT: I propose you do it. -ignores Redglare-
MINDFANG: -Glares right at Seakrait the entire time shes bending down to help Daelos up.-
MINDFANG: (8est to keep moving, they seem to h8 dead w8.) -Internal screaming as helping to take any of his weight feels like torture.-
MITUNA: -Tries to lean down to try and help him up-
DAELOS: - He's too mortified to say anything. He tried to avoid leaning on Mindfang as much as he can. - I apologize
MINDFANG: (Dont 8other. You are not the one who had the 8rilliant idea to maim a prisoners foot when you want them to-- -hff- move.)
[[ The group continues to be led by Seakrait through the forest, snow drifting gently around them in a too-beautiful discordance to the stains in the snow they leave behind them. Eventually, they see a familiar daunting figure in the distance, waiting nearby what is becoming ever more apparent as a giant hole in the earth. ]]
REDGLARE: -She laughs. Weakly and dryly.-
NYALAH: -presses her good horn at Redglare. One eye shut tight.-
SEAKRAIT: -She pauses just by the cavernous hole, releasing Karkat none too gently and looking over the crowd.- I'll do the honors, High Legislacerator.
KARKAT: The honors. Right. Like there's any honor to be had here. =He's just ready for the hole= Have fun.
SEAKRAIT: -She quickly sets up an automatic pulley system in the ground for climbing, tying the harness around herself, and then she moves toward Redglare. Looks like she's first.-
SEAKRAIT: You're lucky your survival will be left up to fate. But I'm not betting on it. -grabs onto Redglare's arm-
REDGLARE: -She pulls away from Nyalah.- p4ss3s for 4 tr14l, th3s3 d4ys, do3s 1t?
THE EXPUNGER: -gazes at the little crowd, chin high.- Don’t you worry. We’ll come back to retrieve your bodieS aS well, but only after Sufficient time haS paSSed to enSure you are dead. Luckily rot doeS not Set in So quickly in cold environmentS. You will Still be identifiable.
KARKAT: =He just tiredly looks up into the sky and sighs wearily= Fuck yourself on my horn when you come back. It'll be frigid enough for you.
SEAKRAIT: -She heads close to the hole, then grips Redglare tighter in her hold before shimmying them both over the edge and slowly... beginning to lower them down. Redglare can see the drop down is incredibly steep; it's unlikely most anything would survive a straight fall.-
REDGLARE: -it certainly is. She's mostly dead weight, anyhow.-
NYALAH: -shivers in the whole cold. Unable to protest or do much more than watch.-
SEAKRAIT: -They descend at a reasonable pace, but once they're a good twenty feet or so down, she holds Redglare tighter -- closer -- and begins to whisper.-
SEAKRAIT: (Don't speak. Be as quiet as possible down here. No one will hear you, but something else might. If you hear anything down here with you, don't let it find you.)
SEAKRAIT: (Focus on keeping yourselves alive as long as you can. Your leg is poisoned, but it won't kill you yet. I'm going to give you the antidote, bite down on it.)
SEAKRAIT: -She glances down to see how far they are from the floor of the cavern; it's about eight or ten feet now.- (If you understand, struggle.) -And then she moves to press her mouth to Redglare's for just a moment, slipping something pill-shaped inside with her tongue.-
 REDGLARE: -uhm. UHM?? She might have struggled ANYHOW regardless of her understanding-- and she's not sure she does. Poison... antidote... no noise. She's helping them, maybe?? She squirms and struggles, letting out an MPH as she swallowd the pill down a raw throat.-
SEAKRAIT: -And she drops Redglare about six feet from the floor, laughing loud enough that she's sure the High Legislacerator will hear before ascending once again, leaving Redglare alone.-
REDGLARE: -The spark of clarity left, at least, keeps her quiet as she finally hits the ground, with a start.-
SEAKRAIT: -SHE'S COMING BACK UP FOR THE REST OF THE GROUP. One by one she's lowering them down-- Karkat, Dave, Mindfang, Nyalah, Mituna, Latula, Aranea... and then finally, Daelos. Needless to say, he's more of a struggle. She says nothing to any of the others, but once Daelos is down, she spits on the ground of the cavern before ascending for the final time, and it hits the rock with a little plink.-
KARKAT: =A plink=
[[ A PLINK. ]]
MITUNA: -Two in the plink one in the stink-
[[ Shortly after they're left in the cavern, they will feel their powers begin to return. Also, it sounds like there's wind howling above; the storm on the horizon has finally reached their location, and the blizzard is kicking up. ]]
REDGLARE: -She does some very quick sign language as each is lowered. Silence. Danger. Time.-
NYALAH: -she had no powers to begin with but does take swift breaths of the icy air. The storm brewing. She shivers terribly.-
MITUNA: -Groans, but his eyes flicker, ever so gently-
KARKAT: =Silence, danger, time. He glances up hearing the storm=
KARKAT: =He's also going to go look at the plink=
DAELOS: - He's soon leaning into her, just like he had been with Mituna, except now he's trying to keep her warm, although since he's a blue blood it doesn't count for much. At least his hair is warm. -
[[ Funny enough, there's a pill in that plink. ]]
KARKAT: =A pill. He stares at it. It stares at him and he stares at it and it stares at him=
[[ It's sort of slobbery, but it looks like it has some kind of fluid inside. ]]
[[ You know. One of those fish oil looking pills. ]]
KARKAT: =Absolutely disgusting.=
KARKAT: =He can't believe that twat cheeked her vitamins from this morning=
[[ KARKAT PLS ]]
KARKAT: =COME GET YOUR PILL DAROLD=
MITUNA: -Soft crackling-
KARKAT: She spat this out.
MITUNA: (guy5 guy5)
DAELOS: - He doesn't realize he's been poisoned or realize that pill is for him-
MITUNA: (im ge77ing my 5park5 back)
REDGLARE: -She points at herself, her leg. Signs 'cure.'-
[[ Also on the plus side, the cave is a lot warmer than the surface, but chillier under the hole. ]]
NYALAH: -maneuvering her arms back in front of her. Looks to Redglare signing and Daelos's leg. Hhhhh. Alright fine.-
NYALAH: -picking the pill from the goo and stuffs it in Daelos's mouth. Keeps her hands clamped there and makes sure he eats it.-
DAELOS: -???? -
NYALAH: -rip in fucking pieces.-
DAELOS: - HORSE GROANY NOISE OF SURPRISE. but yes he supposes he would swallow this. -
REDGLARE: -signs JUST DO IT. like the shy le beef-
NYALAH: -also stuffs some snow in his mouth to help it go down easier.-
NYALAH: -eating some snow herself. Om.-
DAELOS: - NOW GET YOU FILTHY PAWS OUT OF HIS MOUTH-
KARKAT: =Don't it keeps him quiet=
KARKAT: =He just looks to the cave and starts to walk there=
NYALAH: -when the deed is done, she slinks off after Karkat. Clutching at her side.-
KARKAT: =How far back does this cave go? Is there any wood here? Is there a deeper part where he can just fuck right off?=
[[ The area of the cavern they're in is pretty vast, so it'll take some time to navigate the perimeter, but from first glance, there don't appear to be any exits. ]]
DAELOS: - Following this, he continues to eat the snow that looks the freshest-
REDGLARE: -Seems like the first and only time they'd be able to treat their wounds without being under duress. Her flask would've actually been useful if they didn't take her. Damn.-
[[ There are some fallen leaves and logs around beneath where the hole is above, rotting slowly. ]]
REDGLARE: -instead she starts to mill around the ground. Looking for some good, sharp rocks.-
KARKAT: =Relatable. But he looks around=
[[ Rocks are, at least, in abundance here. Such as sharp, pointy stalagmites and stalactites, for example, but there are probably some other chips and things around. ]]
NYALAH: -doing her best to wipe the grime from her wound with snow. The less she moves, the more the pain catches up to her. She actually has to stop and lean up against a boulder, just to focus on breathing and not vomiting.-
[[ The snow probably won't help Daelos and Nyalah with hydration too much, with the cold lowering their body temperatures and making it more difficult for their bodies to retain the moisture, but it at least wets their mouths. ]]
REDGLARE: -She wouldn't know Flint from any other kind of rock, so she's just looking for something that's sharp enough to scratch marks into the walls of the cave. Maybe having some concievable goal is enough to stop thinking about what she saw just last night.-
MITUNA: p5557 7ula
LATULA: -HEY BRUH DONT MIND HER SHE IS TOTALLY STILL TRAUMATIZED- LATULA: tun3z???
 DAELOS: - With the help of the cave wall he's able to slowly drag himself to his feet. As long as he leans against it, he can follow it in a circle, keeping his eye out for anything that might be missed. -
NYALAH: -finds some crevice to curl into, holding herself as she comes close to passing out again. So cold.-
MITUNA: 5how me your hand5
DAVE: -he definitely needed some help bring the only pathetic human in the group. his fingers and toes are lookin pretty blue, it's a little concerning. his back aches every time he moves, he stopped shivering a long time ago, when they were still outside. now when he speaks he's mumbling into his numb arm just lying there- theresno mmm snow
KARKAT: =Dave doesn't look good at all. Karkat looks at him then walks over to try and cover as much of him as he can= Sh. =cups his hands between his own= We need a fire going.
MITUNA: -Ahead of you, Kark. He's floating logs over, stacking them in a pile. His eyes glow, and his head swims from the concentration. Suddenly, optic blast, but it's weak, drying the logs more than anything rn-
LATULA: -She holds em out... fingertips are a little black.- dud3 your 4rm
LATULA: 4r3 you gonn4 b3 good???
MITUNA: Mnnnngh
LATULA: oh SH1T!
LATULA: dud3 FUCK!!!! TH4T WORK3D?
DAVE: -his hands are numb between karkats- gotta keep goin to the tunnel underground
[[ The logs give them the SMOLDER. ]]
KARKAT: =Blows warm air on Dave's hands= We need fire. If we find a hot spring down there you can punch me.
[[😘 ☁️]]
MITUNA: -Oh thank fuck. He stops, and starts blowing on the logs trying to get that fire going-
DAVE: how much time we allocate for naps DAVE: we cant waste time
REDGLARE: -LOOMS WITH A PAINFUL LURCHING STEP and holding up a rock.- (m4rk th3 w4lls wh3r3v3r you go. 1f th3r3 4r3 tunn3ls 4nd you g3t lost. c4n follow th3 l1n3s b4ck.)
KARKAT: Dave. Shut up. I'm getting you warm. Shut. Up.
REDGLARE: (surv1v4l f1rst. work out sh1fts. st4y qu13t.)
MITUNA: -Guess who has a fire going?-
NYALAH: -a little too quiet in her corner. Everything is being too much for her body.-
LATULA: -holds her hands over it...-
[[ The logs slowly catch into little flame at Mituna's encouragement. The wind howls overhead, sending heavier snow down through the hole. ]]
LATULA: th4nk fuck1n god...
KARKAT: =Thanks Mituna. He's putting Dave closest to the fire and sitting behind him. Snug up against his back=
DAELOS: - He carefully nestles Nyalah in his arms and slowly brings her closer to the little fire. Maybe being warm will do her good. His brow is cinched with worry. -
MITUNA: -Makes a psionic barrier at the top of the hole. Fuck you snow. This is a terrible long term plan btw. He's quiet, concentrating-
LATULA: -hand on his shoulder- uh
LATULA: 1t 41nt push1n too hard 1s 1t? 1n th3 br41nm34tz?
MITUNA: 5h we go77a re57
NYALAH: -definitely 100% unconscious again, even as Daelos keeps her close.-
DAVE: remember when youwere hella wrm
MITUNA: (ju57 le7 me be u5eful)
KARKAT: =mumbles against Dave's shoulder= Remember when I gave you that manicure? =It was like, not even a few days before all this. Holds up Dave's hands to the fire and just tries to focus on him=
LATULA: ...1m proud of you b4b3z.
DAVE: -pauses- ohyeah
DAVE: sall fucked up now
DAVE: youre so quiet (arewe whispering)
LATULA: but 1 sw34r to sh1z 1m gonn4 b34t your butt 1f you push yours3lf to f4r.
LATULA: >8P
MITUNA: ehehehe be7 on i7
KARKAT: I guess.
DAVE: -his breathing is a little shallow- im gonna go to bed while everyone elsisleeping now
KARKAT: =Makes a face against him and scrunches his nose= Run out of jokes already...?
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: ran out of em
MITUNA: -Keeps this roof going, it's just collecting snow. Good news is it helps keep the heat trapped too.-
KARKAT: Okay.... just. (Get up later.) =mumbles and holds him but lets him rest=
MINDFANG: -Shes returning from having done a quick survey of the immediate area of the cave. And also she had felt the need to move just to keep her brain working again. The sense of getting her mental powers back had come with a huge relief and now she is joining the rest of the group by the fire. Arissa carefully sits down and starts to dig her fingers into the joints and spaces of her metal arm to clear out snow and ice that she had felt trapped in there for hours.-
DAELOS: - While Nyalah sleeps he carefully melts snow in his hands and tries to wipe away the debris around her ruined horn without making the wound bleed again. -
DAELOS: - It would hurt if she were awake so now is the time-
ARANEA: -she's been conscious probably?? she's in alright shape, comparatively, though her chest hurts like a motherfucker and it's been keeping her quiet. she can't stop watching dave.-
NYALAH: -too exhausted to even protest or react to the streak of pain. She's out like a light.-
DAVE: -if he just...closes his eyes... a little...-
KARKAT: =Rest... but just let it be rest.=
KARKAT: =On second thought he's a finicky motherfucker and just all of this is settling wrong to him= ...Mn. No. Okay. Just. No jokes then. =Dave is so squishy and vulnerable, no sleep for you asswipe=
DAVE: are we spooning
KARKAT: Yes. You're welcome little spoon.
DAELOS: - He notices the way Aranea is staring intently at the poor little human and gives her a questioning glance, looking up from Nyalah for a moment. -
ARANEA: -catches his glance, meeting it with an unyielding concern. she scoots closer to daelos and fixes her attention on nyalah instead for the moment. she wonders if she can help her now...-
DAVE: -he is starting to fall asleep again- k
KARKAT: No kays.
KARKAT: Hum one of your dumb raps.
DAELOS: - Scoots to make room for her, she feels to cold nudge of his nose as he talks in her ear. - (Are you alright)
ARANEA: -turns her head to brush cheeks with him- (I'm... Just concerned.)
DAELOS: - Sighing- (Well... there is certainly cause for it)
DAELOS: - He always imagined he would die in a hole but he wants something better for his loved ones and crew members. -
MITUNA: -He keeps asking for death. And yet....-
DAVE: -hums something unintelligible that kind of sounds like my humps-
ARANEA: -she shares some of the light eminating from her fingertips with nyalah. she will likely stay unconscious, but hopefully it will be a more restful kind of sleep. the pain inside her head should begin to subside. concentrating is difficult for her, but her own strong sense of self preservation is motivation enough to keep trying to exercise her abilities. they have better chances together. and after what she saw yesterday, she isn't exactly willing to let anyone else fall at the hands of those bastards.-
DAELOS: - Seeing this warm his heart. Perhaps... just perhaps there is a chance they will make it out of this. He nuzzles Aranea gratefully. -
DAELOS: Thank you
ARANEA: -leans into him, only nodding in response. but maybe some of that light will transfer to him too...-
MITUNA: -He's sweating next to the fire, quiet with the strain of all this snow accumulating on his barrier. His brain is a muscle that hasn't been exercised in forever. A time ago he'd be able to do this no problem. He grunts softly, trapping the collected snow in a psionic bubble and moving it past the entrance of the hole to plop that huge pile somewhere else. Sorry guys, no ceiling for a while. He breathes a little heavy-
DAVE: -he's been practically forced to stay awake because concussions are great and karkat won't let him go to sleep anyway. he's still pretty out of it, but the warmth seems to be doing at least something. he ain't dead yet right?-
MITUNA: -He's really tired you guys-
DAVE: -tired club-
MITUNA: -snow starts drifting into the hole-
TEREZI: =Would have been proud of them.=
DAVE: -rude ass dead rude ass-
MITUNA: -Gdi Excalibur-
TEREZI: =shup=
MITUNA: donde...e57a...la biblio7eca
MITUNA: me llamo 7 bone la arana di5co7eca
DAVE: -watches mituna even if he looks blurry-
MITUNA: -Come on Dave you know this one-
MITUNA: di5co7eca
MITUNA: muneca
MITUNA: e5 en bigo7e grande pero man7eca
DAVE: manteca bigote gigante
DAVE: pequeño
MITUNA: la cabe5a e5 nieve
MITUNA: cerve5a e5 bueno
DAVE: -takes a good minute before saying the next part- buenos dias me gusta papas frías
MITUNA: lo5 bigo7e5 de la cabra e5 cameron diaz
DAVE: -another minute- yeaboi
MITUNA: -Soft bomb noise-
DAVE: -breathes- when are we
DAVE: gettin out
MITUNA: no7 ye7 bu7 youre bein pa7ien7 a5 fuck -A snowflake lands on his nose. He's exhausted, but he's still floating a couple logs to the fire. The wet logs snap and crackle with moisture-
DAVE: were gonna
DAVE: get out of here
MITUNA: yeah i know -He glances up. He's only gonna rest a little while longer before continuing to keep the cold out for everyone. Just thirty minutes alright? He doesn't even know how long thirty minutes will be...but still.-
MITUNA: fuck america though dude
[[ Mituna could try counting 1-Mississippi, 2-Mississippi all the way up to 1800-Mississippi. ]]
[[ It's even the spirit of USA! Amurrica, frick yeah! ]]
MITUNA: -Fuck you America-
DAVE: dude dont
DAVE: youre doin some stuff
DAVE: you gotta calm down
DAVE: with your teleport
DAVE: teleconnecticut
MITUNA: i go77a...do 5ome7hin....even if i75 ju57 givin your 5orry a55e5 a chance 7o re57....ehehe
DAVE: we have a fire were good to go
MITUNA: i75 no7 57rong enough ye7
ARANEA: -she's been drifting in and out of consciousness. being cool blooded as she is, the cold is taking it's toll on her. but being slightly delirious, she doesn't think much as she starts wiggling in dave's direction, her hand out towards him.-
DAVE: -watching aranea and this hand thing she's doing and it reminds him of movies and dead people and angels and all he can do is look at her- im dead now
MITUNA: lmao lucky cock5ucker
DAVE: oh nope im alive
MITUNA: poor bi7ch
ARANEA: -ha... is he likening her to an angel? dont' be silly, boy. she touches his shoulder, or hand, or whatever she can get ahold of first and lets the little bit of warmth she has to offer extend to him-
DAVE: -just like that, he feels it...a warm sensation putting feeling back into his fingers and his toes. he watches her carefully as this happens, without a doubt a little confused and delirious with hypothermia but...it appears that his fingers and toes begin to lose their blue color-
MITUNA: -Grins a little, but he's so tired. His head lulls back, eyes fluttering closed. Just for a moment. Just for thirty minutes.-
ARANEA: (We're going to get out of here.) -affirms what he was already saying... if he had any doubts, he couldn't possibly now.-
DAELOS: -LOUD SNORING ON NYALAH DURING THESE TOUCHING MOMENTS.-
DAVE: -his gaze meets hers and he slowly nods- were gonna
NYALAH: -no worries. She's affectionately chewing his neck fat in her sleep.-
MITUNA: -Probably about 44 minutes later he puts the psionic ceiling back up-
[[ Sleep MORE. It means you need it! ]]
DAELOS: -Except at some point he wakes up. His sleep is rather restless. And other than Nyalah chewing on him, he notices that Aranea has left his side and wiggled more towards Dave. And they're holding hands.-
DAELOS: 👀!
DAELOS: -Well. It's cold and humans are fragile. Perhaps it's merely kindness. He tries to go back to sleep.-
DAELOS: -He finds it a bit difficult to stop low key watching them, though.-
ARANEA: -for once doesn't notice when she's being given extra attention... she's zoning in and out a little too much while still looking at dave.-
DAELOS: -MMmm.....-
DAVE: -his fingers are moving a little now that they actually feel like they exist. he's not sure what's happening now but he also doesn't have the sense or strength to get up and do something else-
DAELOS: -On second thought, he doesn't want to look at this anymore. He's gonna slowly just turn so he's facing the other direction. And eventually he'll be able to sleep.-
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aibrechts · 6 years
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(1 of a lot probably) aaAAAAAND I'm back! This time only at 2am tho haha, and as for why, you see, I met this wonderful, talented young man a few weeks ago and I wouldn't miss talking to him for the world. In any case, on the confidentiality thing, please don't worry meu amigo bonito. I trust your judgement, and either way, I /am/ still masked behind anon y'know hahaha. It's all good
I KNOW ITS BEEN LIKE A DAY AND IM SO SORRY everything is happening all at once All The Time sighs honestly i wish i could just lay back and bask in ur sunny conversation, even if just for one day;;;
that’s true, that’s true, i think i have an idea of who you are (or rather, which blog you run) but it almost seems a shame to figure out... that being said, if you are who i think you are then your writing is absolutely breathtaking, and as golden as your heart
(onto #2!) Chester seems plenty lovable btw haha. And I gotta agree that it'd be nigh impossible to find a better home for him. What he has with you? That's the genuine article, and you take /extremely/ good care of him and the others to boot. I'm sure even a famous boy like him gets awestruck sometimes by how lucky and loved he is. Poor Wisdom though! Like /damn/ hahaha. Tough break, kiddo. Tough break hahaha. That's what he gets for trashing the joint tho. {~J}
chester is the perfect man, it’s true, and wisdom is an absolute brat but he has his moments lol. he’s growing on me, similar to that fungal infection thats growing all over his poor handsome face :( i gave him a special bath for it yesterday, and he LOVED it, he loves being pampered. fifteen minutes of me scrubbing at all his itchy spots and spraying water in his mouth to keep him happy when i have to hose his face, and he looks so lovely clean now!!!!!
i know, i know, its sounds gross lol but it’s really not so bad. we caught it very early and he gets those baths twice a week, so it’s cleared up really well!!! 
it’s simply the time of year, i think. hot and humid, ponies sweating under their rugs, too many of them with stupid injuries - fudge had surgery on two of his legs a few months ago, and he’s about to start rehab; lulu got a.... skin cancer??? cut out of her stomach, and that’s been delightfully gross to maintain; rudi’s vice is flies - he’s very sensitive on his legs, and kicks so hard that he cuts his own ankles, poor boy; nikki went lame somehow and no one knows how or why but she seems fine now???????; and we were SO WORRIED that chester had an abscess in his hoof bc a big chunk went missing out of it, but the farrier came for him today and everything was fine, the hole trimmed out clean and simple. 
BIG SIGH THEY’RE....... SO DIFFICULT. so much to maintain, and rumple is as sick as ever but he’s old so that hardly counts. the only ones who are really maintaining themselves are wyn and louie, and i honestly don’t know how louie does it with how he runs around like a maniac all day. BUT ANYWAY!!!!
3 never did end up coming through lol so i’ll move right on
(and then there were 4) What can I say? Your silvered light dazzles even the sun, and inspires the moon and stars with its iridescent brilliance. It'd be a crime to put someone so amazing on hold hahaha.
i dont know much lol but i know im a saggittarius. i seem to be surrounded by scorpios at this point in my life, and i can hardly find a thing to complain about. you’re all absolutely wonderful, and i always seem to be quite taken with your crew’s company ahahaha. 
rather, im surrounded by water signs in general LOL. my siblings are each pisces, cancer and scorpio, i met a bartender last night who was a scorpio, and kimmy is one too lmao yall are everywhere and im Loving it
(#5 comin in hOt) You were also right on the water-affinity thing though haha. I actually knew how to swim before I knew how to walk, believe it or not. Anyway, that picture is absolute /gold/. It really is. And the prophesy was fulfilled so completely that even Voldysmoldy was blown away. You look dashing, by the way! 120/10 best wrapping paper boob stuffer. On the subject of talking though, /holy hell/ don't tempt me I would /gladly/ talk with you all day without hesitation hahaha
LAUGHS thank you i certainly try my best. my brother’s a good sport, and i somehow feel like a strong mix between him and the sister im now living with (the cancer, if you’re curious ahaha). every day we’ll find ourselves saying the same thing at the same time, and every now and then she’ll give me a strange look and say i sound just like leo, or even that i look like him for a moment ahahaha. 
it’s interesting, it’s strange. i’ve always looked up to them so much (being the youngest and all), so it feels oddly like a compliment, whenever these things happen. 
(#6)(just think, two more of those and you get one of me hahaha). Onto the sleeve tho! The circle maze sounds /fantastic/, and I bet it looks really cool right now, though I'm sure the finished product will be absolutely astronomical. The design you have in mind sounds /epic/! (for real though tatts are so expensive I feel your pain there hahaha)(may the Force be with you I believe in you)(you got this)(you SO got this)(you're gonna kick this resolution's ass). {~J}
lmaoo thank you thank you, i intend to bust so much money on it this year. i still have my lower forearm to design, but i’ve thoroughly plotted out the rest of my arm; the maze is given to inception, the next installment will be vaguely reminiscent of kingdom hearts, and pokemon will take up the space from halfway up my forearm before turning into cc beyond my elbow. so it’s just that part on the back of my forearm that is a bit of a blank canvas rn ahahaha
(holy hell I might need more than 7) I regretfully inform you though that I can't and I shan't cease to flatter you, because you deserve to know the truth of how talented and wonderful you are. And I definitely agree on the balance thing. The devil is in the details and complexity is key, so all the more reason to be proud of how amazing your works are! And /20k/? /Damn/ that's impressive! (and even tho I prefer halloween, I for one will gladly plunge back into the tinsel for you hahaha) {~J}
it’s officially 22k but i haven’t had time to work on it the past couple of dayssssss BUT I FIGURED OUT THE LAST SCENE so it’s only a matter of spare time lololol
(#8 because what's second christmas without snowmen? lol) I'm glad to hear you've got a pretty solid sleep schedule by the way! (and it definitely /was/ worth the discomfort)(still slept like a rock the followin night tho hahaha). I'm really happy that Alma appears to be defying the odds by the way! True to their namesake, and all thanks to their wonderful father. Sheesh. I knew you were dynamically skilled, but this just proves you're magical haha. In your care? I know they'll flourish. {~J}
LOL i am LOVING these message starters btw. yesss tho my family has always been keen on growing things lol. mum had a magnificent herb garden, and i’ve never seen oregano as big as what’s growing in my garden rn. we just planted dahlias where the sunflowers used to be and i wasn’t sure they’d be alright, but they really seem to be flourishing!! im so glad!!!!
(9/9 for the new record hahaha) I'm so proud of both you and them! Not to be punny, but I'm a sap anyway when it comes to plants. or, well, all of nature really haha, and Alma looks really great from the pic I saw! Anyway, speaking of hocus-pocusing, I hope today has been absolutely magical for you, as you deserve no less than the wondrous and the fantastic. Talk to you soon, meu amigo bonito! {~J}
lmfaooo i love that. and yes, their leaves are so cute!!!! so small!!!!! thank u so much tho, the past couple of days have been pretty great. I’m wondering if i can worm a morning off out of my sister, considering she’ll have a day off on sunday and i’ll be working at the cafe from 7 lol;;;; i desperately want to finish starboy, but time really is my enemy right now ahahahaa
thank you so much for all this, i adore you and i hope you managed to get to bed at a reasonable time tonight!!!! sleep well, i’ll see you soon
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