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#but anyway. here is td. what crimes will they commit
smile-files · 2 years
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fear the tear
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It’s That Easy To Get Off A Rape Charge
(OK, so I can’t remember if I’ve told you guys this story, but if I have, I’ll tell it again.)
I’d been out on the town with a group of friends. Lets call them TD, NW, CB, TF, and PR. TD and I were the only women in this group. We’ve all known each other for years, we’d drunk, gambled a bit, won more than we’d lost, and now we we’re heading back to PR’s for the night. It’s February, cold, the pavement is slippery. Slightly dodgy part of town, around two in the morning.
We happen to be directly under a streetlamp when this girl comes running around the corner, slips on and icy patch, an cannons into CB, knocking him flying. He picks her up, dusts himself off, asks if she’s OK.
It now become’s quite clear that she’s not OK. Her dress in torn, there’s blood on it, she has a split lip, she’s crying.
Just as we notice this, three men come rushing around the corner, see us, and backtrack. Leaving TD and I to look after the girl (let’s call her M), the men go after them.
Thy manage to drag on of them back, the other two get away. It’s not until they get him under the streetlamp that I realise that I know him. I’m friends with his sisters. I never particularly liked him, but I didn’t have anything against him until now. We made small talk in the kitchen sometimes, you know. Among the general profanities he’s spewing, he comes out with this sentence that I remember: “She should be grateful a white man wanted her.” If I wasn’t hugging M I could have kicked the shit out of him.
Anyway, we drag him down to the police station, where we are told that they can’t take him into custody without reasonable reason to believe that a crime has been committed. (Apparently ‘we very nearly saw it’ doesn’t count.) So, legally, we’re obliged to let him go free.
We take M down to a hospital to get a rape test. (The others were all for letting her clean up first, but I’ve been there before. Having a bath renders a rape test invalid.) M has nowhere to stay, so she stays at CB’s. (She works for him now.)
In court, the (male) judge dismisses any jury members who have been the victim of rape or sexual abuse, on the basis that they’re unable to judge impartially. We now have a predominantly male jury with only two women. TD is not allowed to give evidence, because she was abused by her husband, which the judge feels with make it impossible for her to be impartial.
The other five of us, plus M and the rapist (let’s call him HC), are all cross-examined. The defence’s case is that, as we all agree that there were three men, M may have been raped by the other two, and HC was just an innocent bystander, or even was chasing them when we caught him.
Here are some of the questions HC’s lawyer asked me: “Did you know M before this event took place?” “Are you currently, or have you ever been, in a sexual or romantic relationship with anyone else giving evidence here today?” “What were you wearing?” “Are you currently in a relationship?” “What did M look like?” When I describe how the dress was torn and bloodied, and she was shaking “I mean, how far would you say the hem of the dress was from her knees before it was torn?” “How much had you had to drink?” “How well do you know HC?” “Are you sure you couldn’t have mistaken him for someone else?” “What sort of relationship does HC have with his sisters?” “Has HC ever made a pass at you while you were in his family home?” “Have you ever had any interest in HC?” The question “Do you consider yourself to be a feminist?” was only disallowed because the judge felt that it was politically motivated.
And this endless shitbag of a raping bastard got off scot free! He walked. He’s still at liberty. On the basis that there were three, and he might not  have been one of them.
So next time someone says that Donald Trump has never been convicted of rape, this is how easy it is to get of a rape charge.
(Epilogue: This all happened a few years ago now. M is now a florist. She fell pregnant from that night. Her son is nothing like his father. CB married one of HC’s sisters, my friend (let’s call her CC), earlier this year. Neither she nor her sister have any contact with their brother anymore. M doesn’t know that CC is HC’s sister. HC is now in debt to the total tune of more than six hundred thousand pounds, due to unwise gambling.The debt is mainly spread between about six people. When it is called in, I am reliably informed that the money will go to rape charities, except for some in a trust fund for M’s son.)
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morphogenetic · 3 years
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oh yeah im gonna uhhh copy these from what I said on twitter bc i want people here to have a chance to read these but: very long dr2 thoughts incoming. these were originally disparate threads but im too lazy to combine them coherently so this is what you get. under a readmore bc its very long and annoying lol
1. im gonna talk about this more when im further in and also when its not 5 am, but theres Something about the way that dr does its plot twists that feels kind of insulting to the intelligence of its audience. like. yeah a good plot twist is well-foreshadowed but at a certain point if you have an amnesiac protag and a traitor that gets mentioned from the very beginning............ik that there Is a reveal about this at some point already but its like. Really. R.
(honestly this was more of an issue with dr1 telegraphing its twists miles ahead but like. when you add like 6 blatant red herrings to try to confuse the player its just. Not good)
2. anyway minor nitpick that has nothing to do with the actual game and is a localization thing: who the fuck decided that "theater bonus prize" had to be the right order for that in English. that is super fucking unclear. you could justify "bonus theater prize" just as well.
honestly I've noticed a bunch of typos in the localization that really make me question it. this clearly isn't an original game issue but its not just forgetting a word or smthn, its forgetting the first letter of a word in a minigame. forgetting punctuation quite often. its..idk. its baffling to me bc dr isn't even a super old game? the official loc is WAY recent and I didn't even notice it being this bad in dr1 so idk what the hell is up
actually wait im thinking abt this more and dr2 having SO MANY translation errors is annoying when like. its a popular as fuck franchise (for some reason) and yet the quality of your translation is worse than obscure shit like rloop? what is wrong with you. ive already heard some tales about how gonta and (the one girl in v3 idk her name) got localized and ???? what the actual fuck happened there
3. honestly half of my problems w dr are literally just Plot Structure Things and I dont think v3 is gonna change those much. wow there are 5 islands! and there's obviously going to be a conclusion chapter! i Wonder how many people are going to die if two people die (ish) per chapter! wuoh!!!!!
4. i would like to criticize the 3rd case in dr2 specifically bc of it doing a hangman, a logic dive, and then another fucking hangman. who on EARTH thought that was okay. you do the first hangman and then instantly figure out The Case's Major Twist like. you didn't need those other two
5. honestly i might be going harder on dr2 than I would be otherwise purely because my last two games were fucking rloop and 13s which have absolutely MAGNIFICENT mysteries that feel properly foreshadowed the whole time. if you play two absolutely wonderful games In A Row then a completely average game is gonna feel like a mess lol
6. oh this is a dr structure complaint and not exactly something I know how to fix but once you get past the halfway point the murder mystery aspect starts getting way more boring for me bc you just have fewer and fewer people who could actually commit the crime.
like at this point in dr2 im like
-hinata is the protag
-komaeda seems way too plot important
-chiaki wouldn't kill anyone
-akane is gonna die probably but she's not cunning enough to kill
-nidai . is a robot
which leaves literally three fucking people (excluding fuyuhiko bc i don't think they'd put him through more pain). Please
7. ig dr's structure (in general, i cant see this Not applying to v3 and it applied to 1) would work better for me if it did something like rloop or yt//td. i know that's basically turning it into a different game but if you make your entire cast Potential Willing Murderers...hm.
its really hard to do death games generally but they generally feel less interesting to me if its just like "heres a motive, now Kill" like. idk. the motives never really have felt strong enough for me to believe they'd actually kill people. except the second case of 2 bc yeah that one actually tracks for me, but otherwise I'm like. the locked room mystery of 1 actively makes me angry bc the motive is stupid as fuck. Things Like That
8. idk man obviously im gonna finish dr as a series bc a) I already own it b) it's too influential in the cosplay community for me to not, but it is genuinely kind of baffling to me how THIS is the spikechun game that got popular. its not bc of the M rating bc 999 is RIGHT there. at least the music slaps but it keeps feeling like a slog, and when I finished the last two games I played - both of which are 40+ hour games - in A WEEK because of how engaging they were...it feels a little more painful than it would otherwise
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I live in Parma, Cuyahoga County, Ohio. I am planning on buying a project car that is currently not running. I am going to keep it in a garage out on the farm and slowly build it back up. What kind of insurance do I need on it? My old car used to have storage insurance on it for winters, about $20 a month. I don't want to pay $70 per month for a nonrunning car!""
What makes car insurance cheaper for young drivers?
I know it's to do with the car. Sometimes engine size and security features and the year it was made. So what other thing and what cars fit into cheap insurance
Should I get Term Life Insurance at a young age?
I am currently 30 years old and in excellent health but since I am getting ready to start a family, I want to be prepared for the future of my loved ones. After reading about different life insurance options, I am deciding to go with Term Life Insurance for 20 years. Is it true that Term Life Insurance premiums don't change throughout the life of the term? If so, shouldn't I sign-up now while my annual payment will be low and locked in at this rate? My employer offers a very small life insurance benefit that I am already a part of but I want more just in case. While I am asking, are there any circumstances where a payout won't be made if I were to die under a term life insurance plan? Is it guaranteed? What if I (God forbid) get Cancer or have a heart attack? Thanks in advance!""
Will my motorcycle license show up on the car insurance?
So before you guys rule me out as being immature about getting a motorcycle without my parents knowledge let me tell you about my background. I am a college student studying at Northeastern in Boston. I have my own apartment in Boston and I share with 3 other people. I pay my own rent and food and I work 2 jobs. I work around 25-30 hours a week and I am a full time student on top of that. I have a car that is under my dad's insurance and I pay for the insurance and gas. Lately, the insurance and gas is really killing me financially. So, I'm planning to give my car back to my parents and I will just get a motorcycle for the city. Its cheaper gas and insurance wise and its easy to find parking for it the place I live in. I have taken place the winter seasons and I'm planning to put it in a storage for the winter seasons. My question is that my mother is thinks that a motorcycle is unsafe and that its dangerous. I believe its up to the driver to be safe or not, and also being aware of the surrounding. My mom take cares of the insurances and she just tells me how much I have to pay her for the car, and I was wondering if I get my motorcycle licenses in MA, does it show up on the car insurance? I'm planning to insure the motorcycle on my own with a different company and register it under my name. So basically I don't want my parents to find out about it. I don't want to cause them any trouble. Lets say that I take my name off of the car insurance, but down the line I want to put my name back on the car insurance does my motorcycle license show up during re apply for my name under the car insurance?""
Anyone have experience with ASDA car insurance?
Asda car insurance seems to be the cheapest by far in the comparison websites but are they reliable?
How long does it take for a traffic ticket to show up on your driver's license and insurance?
So i got a ticket on july 17th (of this year) and the deadline to pay, contest, or do traffic school for it was september 17th, two days ago. i checked yesterday for the update because i thought i had a few more days and it said i can extend the ticket (to pay or to contest or to attend traffic school) to november 16th. i chose that and i will eventually go to traffic school but my question is, is point already on my record and will it affect my insurance rates? My friend was saying no because i extended the date and by doing so i havent plead guilty to the ticket (by paying it or attending traffic school for it) so right now because i have the date to fix the ticket extended by two months, it will not show up on my license or my insurance. What do you guys think? thanks a ton for any help :)""
Can i find out someones car insurance company?
a lady hit my car back in march of this year. she agreed to pay for the damage but then moved out and skipped town. well the police finaly found her but the problem is i dont know her insurance company. i have her full name, and her vehicle vin number. i dont want to claim it on my insurance so my rates go up, thats nuts. so i need to find her insurance company so i can file it with hers! anyway i can do this?""
What is the cheapest insurance in north carolina on a car thats financed?
What is the cheapest insurance in north carolina on a car thats financed?
Who buys Insurance like State Farm? ?
If by any chance, anyone know what type of people buy insurance like age or lifestyle (single, or married etc.)? Is it normal for a teenage guy to look insurance up? -Insurance as in Auto, Life, and House and everything if that narrows it down but covering all those types""
Best Insurance company?
What is the best insurrance company for both auto and home please let me know as soon as possible - I live in WV
Is it true that the older you get the more car insurance you pay?
My father lives in california and received his car insurance bill , he's 80 yr old. within the last year never received a ticket of any kind or was in an accident. and now he's paying more. Does that sound right?""
Do you get insurance when you are a RN?
when you are a resister nurse will you get insurance incase you get hurt
Has anyone driven past a police car without car insurance?
I've read on the internet and asked questions here on Yahoo about people driving without car insurance. The majority have said that police cars have a scanning system that automatically checks cars that goes by for MOT, tax and car insurance. I am wondering if anyone has recent experience of driving without car insurance past police cars and have anything happen to them? Have the police cars picked up that you have no insurance? I have car insurance by the way, i am just curious.""
Insurance agents in Chennai?
if you know any insurance agents in Chennai help me?
Where can i get complete information about business insurance ?
where can i get the complete data for business insurance ..
Will a citation for rolling through a stop sign raise my insurance?
I live in PA and just got my first ticket. I was driving in my neighborhood and was in a rush and I just rolled through a stop sign. I know it was wrong and stupid of me but I didn't think much of it. I am a teen driver and my insurance is high as it is, will this foolish mistake raise my insurance?""
How much would i pay for car Insurance?
How much would i pay for car Insurance for cheap car that cost me honda accord 2000,I am 28 Years old, never been in any accident,I got my license 8 years ago""
What are the pros and cons of health insurance?
health insurance why buy it
My car insurance is $200 a month!?
I'm getting my license in less than a month, but my parents won't get me a car b/c they say I won't be driving alone anyway b/c the insurance is through the roof. We have Mamzy. Would it be cheaper if we switch our insurance? It'll go down once I've had my license for 6 months, but still, half a year is a long time to have to wait. :\ Thanksx.""
Insurance on a range rover?
how much do you suspect insurance on a 2004 Land Rover Range Rover Range Rover would be the car is $5000 i know the lady she dais she'd sell to me I just want to make sure the insurance isn't going to be too much I'm 18 B average took driver's course and defensive driving class.......just a guess
Cheapest Car Insurance - Canada?
Need a cheap car insurance... Don't spout off answers if you have no idea... I've researched: TD, RBC, CAA, AllState and Statefarm Living in Ontario!
Cost to insure?
04 - 06 sti used in illinois for a 16yr old male. Is it true that males pay more for insurance then females?
How much does it cost to fill up a 2008 Chevy Malibu and how much is the insurance?
How much does it cost to fill up a 2008 Chevy Malibu and how much is the insurance?
What can i do person has no insurance?
had accident person had no insurance
Advice on car insurance after having an accident?
I only passed my test 5 weeks ago, and 2 weeks after getting my car I had a crash and my car was wrote off (I know I'm the reason its so expensive for young drivers :S) Just wondering if anyone knows of any insurance companies that won't rip me off. (I know this is a long-shot! but it's worth a try) Thanks in advance :)""
What are my rights? re: car insurance?
I'm a bit short of money at the moment, so on the 31st January i phoned my car insurance company and asked them to suspend my insurance. They told me the direct debit request for February had been sent on the 29th January, which they couldn't stop, and would be taken from my bank account on the 1st February and i would later bee refunded that amount. Today i received a letter in the post telling me they would hold the payment and use it when i continue the policy or use it towards a cancellation fee if I don't unsuspend the policy. The policy ends in June! The reason i cancelled is because im on benefits and just don't have the money to afford this right now. Anything i can do?""
I am a resident of California and a permit driver. Do i need to be insured or my parents' insurance will cover
me? will their insurance cover me in case of an accident or not? simply, while a permit bearer, do i still need to have an insurance?""
Who's got the lowest insurance rates these days(auto)?
Who's got the lowest insurance rates these days(auto)?
Who are the top insurance providers in the US for life insurance?
I am wanting to get life insurance for myself and want to find out some good references or list of common providers in US. Also, I need guidance of selecting the type of life insurance (what type of policy do most people normally get). Thanks""
Currently on my parent's auto insurance plan. Can I get motorcycle insurance with a different company without it affecting my current plan?
Currently on my parent's auto insurance plan. Can I get motorcycle insurance with a different company without it affecting my current plan?
Ticket for no proof of insurance in FL?
I received a ticket for no proof of insurance, i did not have the card on me at the time but i do have insurance. When i go to court, will i have to pay the fine or will the ticket be thrown out?""
""Which monthly expense is more expensive: car payment with insurance, or health insurance?""
Wining and dining, or health insurance? Travel and accomodations, or health insurance? Cigarettes or health insurance? Street drugs or health insurance?""
My car was rear-ended but I don't have car insurance?
Someone rear ended my car today. My insurance has been expired for a while now but I still called the insurance company and they filed a claim for me. When I mentioned that my insurance had expired, the lady who filed the claim said that the adjuster will call me on Monday and give me the details. Though the accident wasn't my fault, I am worried about not having insurance at the time. Also, nobody was injured in the accident but my back bumper had a very minor scratch. Was what I did wrong? And should I be worried about anything?""
""Where can I find cheap teen car insurance in Cincinnati, OH?""
Few people in my family actually drive with a license let alone insurance(not including my mother) she doesn't even drive. I'm only 17, how can I and where can I get CHEAP car insurance from?""
""Stolen care, will insurance cover it?""
Hi, My car was stolen a week ago, and just got recovered now. The are dmg on the body that i know insurance will cover. But what about the engine? i dont want that engine anymore, a friend of mine saw them thrashing the car like 150+km/h. and my clutch are probably warned out by them. I dont want the engine, as it could break down on me anytime after the theif been through it... If with JustCars Insurance.""
Do I need to have my own insurance to drive a friend's car?
I have my driver's license but don't own a car. Do I need to buy insurance for myself if I want to drive a friend's car, or am I covered under his policy? The car is insured in Florida and I have a Georgia license.""
I just turned 19 and just got my first speeding ticket. im under my dads insurance will rates go up?
I live in Ohio this is my first ticket and we have state farm, he has been with state farm since he was like 18. How can I prevent my insurance from going up or rates from increasing. What is state farms policy on all this?""
Well for my first car what should it be? thats affordable and wont kill me in insurance.?
I love mustangs as i said before in my last question and i would like to know any suggestions to get other than that (that's a sporty stylish car) with leather seats and tiny (something like a mustang).
Will a citation for rolling through a stop sign raise my insurance?
I live in PA and just got my first ticket. I was driving in my neighborhood and was in a rush and I just rolled through a stop sign. I know it was wrong and stupid of me but I didn't think much of it. I am a teen driver and my insurance is high as it is, will this foolish mistake raise my insurance?""
What happens when you decide to change/cancel insurance before you sign the contract?
I had bought a motorcycle and got a quote from this company for the insurance. As it was a good rate, I accepted, they sent me the temporary insurance paper (3 months) until I paid the full amount. During this time I found someone who bought my bike from me so I no longer required the insurance and disregarded the agreement(contract) never returned it or anything. I assumed they would cancel it upon not receiving any contract and payment,but 6 months later, today, they called me claiming the full amount or they will take me to court/collections. They have no paper whatsoever signed from agreeing to their terms. What should I do ?""
Where can I find cheap auto insurance after a DUI?
I have a bad driving record that includes a DUI and driving with a suspended. I am looking for some way of getting reasonable priced auto insurance in Florida. I went to Geico and they want to charge me around $700 a month! Also what is an SR-22?
Can an insurance company lower their initial written pain & suffering offer if I counter offer?
I've been told they won't but CAN they? Please only answer if you KNOW. Thanks.
""I am 21, and have been driving since I was 16. How much will my insurance be?
My parents always paid for my insurance (dont hate) and now I want to use the car for a courier service. How much do you think my insurance will cost me?
How long until my insurance drops back down after you have an accident?
How long does it take for it to go back down to where it was before you had the accident?
Help With Young Male Car Insurance?
I'm a 20 year old male (or will be in April) and am needing help finding a good car insurance deal. So far, I have used LoveMoney.com to get my car insurance as it's returning costs of around 1400 as-a-pose to over 2000 on comparethemarket.com etc. Although I am looking for 0.8 - 1.1L cars, the insurance is ridiculous and the fact that I have pass plus doesn't make a blind bit of difference. Does anybody know of any cheaper ways to get cheaper car insurance? and as an estimate do you know what the approximate monthly cost would be for a quote around 1400? unfortunately it doesn't state it on the quote. Thanks""
Will my insurance go up?
will my insurance go up if i got a ticket for carless operation? the officer said there wont be any points on my licence but if will my insurance go up? and will i get points on my insurance?
Cheapest Car Insurance - Canada?
Need a cheap car insurance... Don't spout off answers if you have no idea... I've researched: TD, RBC, CAA, AllState and Statefarm Living in Ontario!
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/published-list-average-car-insurance-rates-all-jorge-sclafani"
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junker-town · 7 years
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NFL Dad, Week 5: The fleeting joys of apple picking and the Browns' first lead
Relive Sunday's action with one dad, two toddlers, and six hours of the RedZone channel.
I went apple picking with my daughter and her preschool on Friday. It was three joyful hours at a beautiful farm in the Hudson Valley bracketed by a six-hour round trip on a school bus full of toddlers. This was (A) not nearly as bad as it sounds, but also (B) NOT GREAT, BOB. A rule of parenting: any place worth taking young kids to requires a trip that at one point will make you regret your decision to leave the house.
Now, if you haven’t gone to an orchard recently, one of the perks is eating freshly picked apples as you fill your bag. And the progression typically goes like this:
(eating the first apple) HOLY CRAP! THIS IS JUICIEST APPLE I’VE EVER TASTED, WHY DON’T I EAT MORE APPLES?!?!?! I WANNA MOVE SO WE’RE CLOSER TO A FARM!
(apple #2) Mmmm, so good!
(apple #3) Honestly, I’m good on apples for the season.
Anyway, I came home with more apples than any reasonable family would choose to eat, so my wife is making a pie today. APPLE PIE AND FOOTBALL, LET’S AMERICA THIS SUNDAY UP!
EARLY GAMES, FIRST HALF
— At 1:00, I put my son down for his nap. By the time I turn the TV on, it’s a few minutes into the games, and the first thing I see on the RedZone channel is ... Browns celebrating? That can’t be right.
Then the camera cuts to a wider view that shows they’re playing the Jets, and it makes a little more sense. The celebration is for Myles Garrett, finally making his NFL debut today, who sacked Josh McCown on his first NFL snap.
Cleveland Twitter is celebrating like the Browns just got their first lead of the season (they have not).
— “Can you look at my treasures, Daddy?” says my daughter. Assembled on the table are two acorns, a penny flattened by a hand press, and several rocks sized perfectly for a child’s palm. Eric Ebron drops a pass in the end zone.
— A.J. Green hauls in a 77-yard bomb for a touchdown in the Cincinnati rain. Green may be the odd Hall of Fame receiver who is somehow underappreciated his entire career. He’s not as electric as Odell Beckham, not as physically dominating Julio Jones, less elusive than Antonio Brown. But he’s perfect! He’s fast and graceful and has amazing hands (he’s a skilled juggler), and his only sin is playing in a small market for one of the most underwhelming teams in the NFL.
— A shotgun snap flies past Philip Rivers. He flails to push the ball out of end zone and oh my god it’s beautiful. It’s like the Zion National Park of of Rivers flailing.
YOUR 2017 Los Angeles Chargerrrrrrs!!!!!! http://pic.twitter.com/GjtX4SNJTm
— Kyle Brandt (@KyleBrandt) October 8, 2017
Philip Rivers is the master of finding the balance between the smart play and self-preservation, and the result is looking like a total spaz. Like, he got BOTH hands on the ball, but covering it up in the end zone would mean a defender falling on him, and Rivers is too smart to take unnecessary hits. That’s why he’s willing to look so dumb. You ever see him get the snap when a lineman jumps offsides? He throws the ball into the ground like it’s delivering 120 volts into his body.
Phil Rivers throwing a ball rugby style out've the back of his own endzone while screaming at his center is why ill never stop watching nfl
— PFTCommenter (@PFTCommenter) October 8, 2017
— There’s not much to like about the Tennessee-Miami matchup (Matt Cassel versus Jay Cutler, yikes) but the mix of Dolphin teal and Titan sky blue is incredibly soothing to me. Stop the game and make them do tai chi on TV, I’ll be perfectly centered.
— Carson Wentz has thrown three touchdowns in the first quarter, and Philly leads Arizona 21-0. In the seven other games being played, only three teams have managed even a single touchdown.
— Matt Cassel is strip-sacked for a Dolphins touchdown, and there’s the answer to “How on earth can this Dolphins team score a touchdown with Jay Cutler at quarterback?”
— Christian McCaffrey’s first NFL TD is a shovel pass on an option play, and the Panthers and Lions are tied at 10. I am not opposed to widespread use of wide spread use in the NFL.
— DeShone Kizer just committed his SECOND red zone turnover of the day, an interception thrown at a well-covered receiver. That seems bad.
DeShone Kizer is the first player to have multiple giveaways in a game inside his opponent's 5 yard-line since Josh Freeman in Week 13, 2009
— NFL Research (@NFLResearch) October 8, 2017
Confirmed: bad. The Cleveland fans in attendance break out the rarest of surrender cobras: the scoreless first half surrender cobra.
Smart of Cleveland fans to rock Cavs and Indians gear, though. You wanna display your love for the home squad, but you also want plausible deniability after the game.
— The Jets kick a 57-yard field goal as the half expires. They lead 3-0, and the Browns have still never led this season.
— At halftime, the Matt Cassel and Jay Cutler stat lines are ... not good. CBS made a nearly perfect graphic for them, and I have tweaked it only slightly to highlight the inherent emotion of a combined 75 yards passing at 2.7 yards per attempt.
Matt Ufford
the anthem standers
EARLY GAMES, SECOND HALF
— Fifth-round sophomore Kevin Hogan is in for the Browns. RIP DeShone Kizer, you will be lovingly added to the joke jersey that lists all of the Cleveland quarterbacks since Tim Couch.
Also: where is No Cody Kessler on the depth chart? It seemed like he wasn’t complete dog crap last year. I mean, as Browns QBs go.
— Jalen Ramsey versus Antonio Brown is a ton of fun to watch. Roethlisberger goes deep down the sideline to Brown, who makes a leaping catch — but he’s out of bounds because of Ramsay’s positioning. That subtle boxing out is only done well by the best in the game.
— BROWNS SCORE! BROWNS SCORE! A great one-handed catch by David Njoku for the team’s first lead all year!
He followed that with a sumo celebration that ended with him spiking the ball into his own butt.
— Matt Cassell has thrown a TD pass to Phillip Supernaw; it’s tied at 10 in Miami. Incidentally, “Supernaw” is my response to a game featuring Cassel and Jay Cutler. This is an easy joke that thousands of people have already made, but I am incapable of not making it. I’m protected by dads’ rights, you can’t stop me.
— Some bird-on-bird crime in Cards-Eagles:
Nelson Agholor just destroyed this Cardinals DB in every way possible #Eagles http://pic.twitter.com/4v1aFCVEDd
— Clay Wendler (@ClayWendler) October 8, 2017
That is rookie Budda Baker, in case you’re the one chiseling the headstone. He didn’t just get burned; he got burned, then juked, and then he missed a tackle. And then watched as Nelson Agholor took the Nestea plunge into the end zone to cap off a 72-yard touchdown that put Philly up 31-7.
By the way, are we still calling it the Nestea plunge? I know I’m a hundred years old and that ad campaign was forever ago, but do the youths know about it? Attention youths: Please Snapchat me about your awareness of the Nestea plunge. I’ll check my messages in 3-4 days.
— Ben Roethlisberger has thrown CONSECUTIVE pick-6s to the Jaguars and I am HERE for the Steelers getting dragged at home. Did I pick the Steelers to cover more than a touchdown in a win? Yes, I did, and I will happily be wrong forever if it means that hairy sentient ham suffers a public humiliation every time he uses the media to chastise the star wide receiver who makes him look good every week.
Well, almost every week.
— Here’s Melvin Gordon stiff-arming Janoris Jenkins into the turf.
Melvin Gordon stiff arm on Janoris Jenkins http://pic.twitter.com/91tFxByWKU
— Steve Noah (@Steve_OS) October 8, 2017
I include this because one of the best things SB Nation makes is a show called “Will You Be My Friend?” and you should watch the episode with Gordon. Here, I’ll embed it and you can watch it right now. Go ahead, kick your shoes off and luxuriate on this webpage a little longer.
— My son is up from his nap. He sleepily staggers over and throws his arms around me in a big hug. I know that doesn’t really pop off the screen as anything special, but trust me when I say my brain is FLOODED with dopamine from his carefree smile and chubby arms.
This is the bone that human biology throws to parents. “Oh, is every day with a young child the hardest thing you’ve ever experienced? FINE, bathe in the warmth of infinite love.” And all of us stupid parents are like, “Oh, yeah, that’s good. This is worth surrendering my house to childproofing measures and chiming plastic bullshit.”
— Jermaine Kearse is wide open for a TD, and the Jets lead 17-7. Good night, Browns. You were powerless to protect your home turf from the juggernaut Jets as they cruised to 3-2 for a share of the AFC East lead. Fire up the Josh McCown Pro Bowl campaign!
— Odell Beckham gets open behind the defense for a 48-yard touchdown. He celebrates by performing CPR on the ball.
Giants are on life support but @OBJ_3 is trying to bring them back. http://pic.twitter.com/wWVXXldt0n
— Clay Wendler (@ClayWendler) October 8, 2017
OK, this is just a disastrous mockery of life-saving procedures. First of all, he didn’t even check his ABCs: Airway, Breathing, Circulation. He didn’t perform any rescue breathing. And he performs chest compressions by pumping his arms, which wastes energy; he should keep his arms straight and let his body weight to do the work. No wonder he spikes the ball; his life-saving efforts hastened its death.
— Ben Roethlisberger has thrown his fourth interception. And now a FIFTH! Merry Jagsmas!
— The Lions are attempting a furious comeback against the Panthers, but they started it too late to have any realistic chance of victory. In Cincy, with the Bills trailing 21-16 and two minutes remaining, Tyrod Taylor throws a pick. My daughter wakes up and, noticing the smell from the kitchen, asks what we’re cooking. “What did Mommy say she was going to make?” My daughter is lost in thought for a moment, then her face lights up. “APPLE PIE!!!”
— Leonard Fournette rips off a 90-yard sprint for a TD, and the embarrassment is complete. 30-9, Jacksonville.
— The Colts have managed to blow their two-touchdown lead. Leading 23-16 with 24 seconds left, they were a goal line stand away from the W. Instead, on 4th and goal, the Niners get a tight end open with a rub route and he just BARELY breaks the plane. Once again, we are saddled with overtime between two crap teams instead of sending them home with the tie they earned (or ending with a do-or-die two-point conversion, which would likely be more exciting, and certainly faster).
— Oh no. Odell Beckham is injured and crying. You can tell from his face that he knows his season is over. UGH.
The Giants are up 22-20 late in the game, but they already don’t have a rushing game, and Beckham is the FOURTH Giants wideout to leave with an injury. Eli Manning is gonna have to run the wing T from a goal line formation.
My daughter, who is almost healed from her broken collarbone, is looking at the screen with concern. I say, “He’s sad because he hurt his leg, sweetie.”
My wife adds, “Where’s he going to go to make his leg better? Who’s he going to see?”
My daughters face brightens. “To the DOCTOR!”
On the next play, Manning is strip-sacked. The Chargers recover and take the lead on a touchdown pass to Melvin Gordon, his second score of the day. The Giants have no response. They deserve to have the dignity of running up a white flag and packing it up for the day; instead, Eli Manning throws an interception on 4th-and-10. Even for a team that entered the game winless, the final four minutes of this game were especially gutting for the Giants.
LATE GAMES, FIRST HALF
— Ahhh, my beloved Seahawks! The first play RedZone shows of them is third-and-14 for Russell Wilson and the offense, which is the most Seahawks down and distance possible. Alec Ogletree sacks Wilson. Excellent. Yes. This is the good shit I choose to watch every week.
— In Oakland, Jared Cook’s fumble is returned for a Ravens TD, and Baltimore is up 14-0 less than 4 minutes into the game. With Derek Carr out, E.J. Manuel is responsible for getting the Raiders back into the game. With all due respect to Joe Flacco’s crappiness, this game is effectively over. I will not write another update about it unless Marshawn Lynch, like, crowdsurfs in the Black Hole after scoring a touchdown.
— After an easy drive down the field, an apparent Todd Gurley touchdown is wiped off the board when replay shows that Earl Thomas’s goal-line chop knocked the ball loose short of the goal line, resulting in a touchback for the Seahawks (it’s the second time Thomas has done this against the Rams). The end zone fumble/touchback foible remains the most inexplicable rule in football, and I love it very much in this moment.
— Jacoby Brissett throws a pick in end zone. Hey! What are the 49ers and Colts still doing here? This is late game territory, busters. I may have to start organizing this column under different headings. Let’s wrap this one up: The 49ers will do nothing with the ball, punt, and lose on an Adam Vinatieri 51-yarder.
— My daughter wants me to summon pictures of Rapunzel from Tangled on my computer screen. She has never seen the movie or even read the kids’ mini-book. her only familiarity with the story is the generic fairy tale. But she has an electronic reader with a picture of the Mouse’s Rapunzel, and that is enough to stoke the flames of curiosity. (shaking fist) DISNEEEEYYYYY!!!
— Following a methodical Dallas touchdown drive, Aaron Rodgers leads the Packers downfield and throws a perfect strike to Davante Adams. Mason Crosby, however, misses the extra point, and Packers trail 7-6. This game appears to be just as good as Fox had hoped.
— After the Seahawks throw an interception on a trick play, the Rams drive deep into Seahawks territory. On 3rd and 11, Jared Goff hands off to Tavon Austin, who goes untouched for a 27-yard touchdown. I had hoped that whatever Jeff Fisher-brand Seahawks poison the Rams employed over the last five years would be gone from this Rams team, but apparently not.
— I am starving. I haven’t eaten since a late breakfast, and my entry into our small kitchen puts me on the hook for making the kids’ dinner. While I toast a bagel for myself and cook quesadillas for the kids, the Seahawks recover a muffed punt, only to blow easy points by throwing an interception that flips the field position.
Thanks to Russell Wilson’s touchdown-saving tackle, the defense is able to hold the Rams to a field goal and a 10-0 lead. But you know what’s even better than hustling back to save a touchdown? Not throwing 40 yards across the field so a safety can undercut your throw with an open field ahead of him.
While I cook, my daughter is “reading” an illustrated Bible. She’s quiet and content for a long time, until she wants to know why some people are crying. Those are just Lazarus’ friends, sweetie. Don’t worry, he turned out fine.
— Dallas goes for it on 4th and less than a yard from the Green Bay 21, and Dak dives ahead to move the chains. A few plays later, he throws a perfect pass to Dez Bryant for a diving TD. The Cowboys lead 21-6, and are totally dominating time of possession.
— My daughter: “I’m going to the bayou!” She must have gotten her mitts on The Princess and the Frog again. I would love to thaw Walt Dinsey’s head just to punch him in the face one time.
— On second and goal from the Rams 4, the Seahawks throw a jump ball to Jimmy Graham, who uses his height advantage to pull in an easy touchdown. This is the sort of thing that Seahawks fans expected would become commonplace when the team traded for Graham three years ago, but has almost never happened because the coaching staff is allergic to exploiting potential mismatches.
The touchdown caps an impressive, time-consuming 75-yard drive. I didn’t take any notes on it, though, because I didn’t want to jinx it. I am sane.
— The Seahawks tie the game at 10 with a 48-yarder just before the half. Unprompted, my daughter sings, “There is nothing else, and I love you anyway.” That’s it, young lady. No more playing with haunted dolls.
— In Dallas, Green Bay scores on a 7-yard run from rookie Aaron Jones, who’s getting the start in place of the injured Ty Montgomery. The score is 21-12 after another missed extra point. Bad day for Crosby.
LATE GAMES, SECOND HALF
— My son has finished his dinner, and he is singularly focused on playing with bubbles, even though that’s strictly forbidden in the apartment. The kid is WILD about blowing bubbles. It’s not enough to blow bubbles FOR him; he needs to hold onto the wand AND the soap solution himself, even though he ends up immediately dumping the solution out EVERY TIME, which results in tears. So I’ll usually try to hold on to the container with the solution, but he’ll grab at it and start crying.
Please believe me when I tell you I hate these motherfucking bubbles. I am THIS CLOSE to banning all bubble-related objects from the apartment. NO ONE GETS ANY BUBBLES UNTIL YOUR FINE MOTOR SKILLS IMPROVE.
— “Daddy, do you want to go in the hallway?” my daughter asks. My wife is taking the kids to the end of the hall to set up the bubble machine (one of these doohickeys). I tell her I’ll join her as soon as I get a little more work done, and in my head “Cats in the Cradle” plays.
The Rams face a 3rd and 10, the Seahawks blitz their linebackers, and Goff runs more than 20 yards through the space they vacated yards for first down. UGH. In the hallway, I hear the shrieks of delight.
A few plays later, the Rams convert another 3rd and 10 conversion to get into the red zone, and you know what? I don’t really give a shit what the stupid Rams and Seahawks do.
I go out into the hallway. My daughter is shouting “BUBBLES!” and her brother is saying “BUH-BUH!” because he is a tiny diapered caveman. The stress I had from watching football has evaporated. Bubbles, man. I gotta rethink my stance.
— When I go back to the apartment to get some paper towels, I see Jordy Nelson drop a slant that would be a touchdown. Green Bay kicks kicks a field goal (hey, a kick that worked!) to cut the lead to 21-15.
My daughter followed me back inside and, seeing her untouched dinner, suddenly realizes she’s hungry. She eats better when we read to her at mealtime, so I read to her a rugelach recipe from a Smitten Kitchen cookbook. She makes odd requests, OK?
— Hey, the Rams and Seahawks are still tied! How did the Rams blow that scoring chance? Bubbles, man. I ran a bubble screen on them.
— My son comes back into the apartment, and I pull him up into my lap while reading my daughter a marbled pumpkin gingersnap tart recipe. His heart is racing from the excitement in the hallway, and he’s clawing at the neck of his tee shirt. I take it off of him to get him ready for the bath; he’s soaked with sweat. Little dude raved too hard.
— This is too many Seahawks-Rams updates, so let’s wrap this one up, even if it messes with chronology: the Rams can’t stop turning the ball over, and the Seahawks can’t do anything with the ball when they get it. After my kids go to bed, Cooper Kupp drops what would have been a game-winning touchdown. Seahawks win, 16-10.
The lesson: never try to stretch the ball over the goal line if Earl Thomas is in the same ZIP code.
— In Dallas, Green Bay has mounted a comeback despite strategically trying to blind Aaron Rodgers.
The Dallas plan to blind Aaron Rodgers is working http://pic.twitter.com/qWGEOKmX00
— SB Nation GIF (@SBNationGIF) October 8, 2017
YOU FOOLS! Blindness can’t stop Aaron Rodgers! He quarterbacks mostly by echolocation and proprioception.
The light streaming into AT&T Stadium DOES look cool as hell, though. It reminds me of some Getty photos from a few years back:
Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images
Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images
Hard to believe that’s Brandon Weeden under center, isn’t it? Nevertheless, it’s no surprise that a Weeden offense could only look good in still images.
— Dallas has bled a ton of clock with an epic drive to retake the lead, but Rodgers gets the ball back with a minute left and a timeout. He takes the snap staring straight into sun … and throws a perfect back shoulder pass to Davante Adams. On the next play, with the sun still in his eyes, he completes it to Martellus Bennett for another first down. See? He’s like a bat, or a dolphin.
— Anyone who’s ever played the Packers knows how this ends: with an Aaron Rodgers touchdown pass, and your heart broken. Mike McCarthy should be jailed for only going to one Super Bowl with this demigod.
— Time for pie!
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