#but as someone who makes worlds I can empathise with not feeling guilt over what you put your characters through

[sleepybutalrightiguess]

Ok, an odd thought, but what if the christian god was all loving, omniscient, and omnipotent like an author? Because before I felt like he couldn't be all three and allow the world to be as it is, but I make stories myself and last night I ended up going on a side track to myself about one of the stories (one where the fourth wall is thin most of the time but sometimes is just glass) and like, I put my characters through a lot of terrible things, but it's ok because they aren't real. They are little puppets I make and move in my mind based off of a game, its fan games, and other fan creations from its community. What if God loves us like we love our characters? What if he knows our stories, our arcs and our struggles? What if he doesn't feel guilt over our horrible circumstances because we aren't real, we are just little puppets is a story he crafts?

[ashtraygrrrl]

i started wrtiting a longer post about this, but i just wanted to get to this point so ill just make a smaller post for it.

after watching oppenheimer and bawling my eyes out unexpectedly at its end, i started thinking about something. we, all of us, in the world, know what happened during Hiroshima and Nagasaki. we are aware of the number of lives lost and people in pain, both physical and emotional, because of it. but we have it in the back of our minds. we are able to discuss it "objectively" because we can keep the awareness of this pain in the back of our minds. and that is a good thing; we shouldn't have to feel pain for something we are not responsible for every time we discuss it in politics or history.

still, if we think about it too much, we do feel the pain, because we are empathetic beings, and we have all lost someone, so, to varying degrees, we can imagine the amount of pain the relatives of the people in those cities, or overall japanese people, felt during and after the events.

it is a thing that weighs upon our collective consciousness. even if we weren't its perpetrators and we feel no guilt whatsoever over it, the amount of pain is so large, that if we think about it too much, if we think of the victims and their relatives as individuals, families, lovers, who were apart for one or another reason, we can imagine the pain. i cannot empathise with the phrase "a hundred thousand people killed", but i can with "a father was on a work trip when he heard the news, and he suddenly knew he didn't have children anymore". that hurts. it aches, and that's why we would rather speak in numbers; because we can detach ourselves from the human beings who lost their lives or loves. and again, that's okay, we do this with so many other things because if we stopped and felt for every tragedy ever, we would lose all faith in humanity, and we would hurt endlessly, but it is good to think about the individual victims of these events sometimes, so that we do not forget the reality of the world, the scope of what they went through, of what humanity's been through.

i don't know, perhaps im an ~empath, but i experience it like that.

[shiningclown69]

Diaspro: A Brief Analysis

Time to give my unqualified 2 cents about Diaspro and how she could have been better

Like all my rambles, this is q long and all over the place (even tho i tried to organise it)

Note: This is my personal opinion! If you like her the way she is, ok good

Diaspro is haughty, spoilt but her primary role is as a love rival for Bloom due to her love for Sky.

She tends to be simply a thorn in Sky and Bloom's side in the show. There are very brief moments where her motivations are expanded upon more, but she mostly just wants to get in Bloom's way bc of a common love interest.

She falls into a lot of stereotypical love rival cliches but like many other people, I think she has potential to be an interesting character

While it is implied that she is to marry Sky because of political reasons, I believe she does actually like him romantically. Being a part of royalty is just an additional perk.

The comics also show Diaspro's parents passively pressuring her to marry Sky to be queen, but she's more firm about marrying Sky bc SHE LIKES HIM, and not bc of the kingdom.

(Ik the 'training to be a perfect bride' scene exists, but I think these two ideas are not mutually exclusive. I think she does genuinely like Sky, but is *also* influenced to her parents' propaganda. Both up the stakes and force Diaspro to double down on chasing Sky. I think making her like Sky also gives her more agency as a character)

Ik this is a v common trope, but I like the similarities between Diaspro and Sky. Both are fighting to be with the person they love, but Diaspro is on the losing end here and trying to claw her way back.

An additional layer Diaspro is given is that she is Sky's childhood friend, and thus has a longer history and an assumed closer relationship with him. This is part of Bloom's insecurity in her relationship with Sky, similar to Krystal and Helia.

This is also probably the reason why Sky is being more polite with Diaspro than he needs to be. He holds her in high regard not just because she is from a powerful family, but mostly bc he's doing it out of friendship.

However, this friendship aspect rarely expanded on beyond that in the show. Sky treats Diaspro mostly like an obligation he owes to his parents, rather than having an internal dilemma. Except maybe that scene where he gets very upset that his parents are caring more about political appearances/her parents' influence rather than actually caring about Diaspro in S2.

This is expanded more in comic #31 (spoilers) where Diaspro falls horribly ill/bedridden and the only thing that seems to make her feel better is Sky's company (yes ik dont ask just accept it).

Sky feels a great sense of guilt, as there is word going around that Diaspro's illness is caused by his rejection/heartbreak. While very hesitant, he contemplates marrying her so she can get better. I assume he only considers this due to their close friendship with each other.

(Look, ik this sounds dumb. But in Sky's defense, in the magic world anything is possible. So who knows at this point??)

I feel this friendship element was not used to its full potential in the show. I rly wish there was a montage of Diaspro and Sky hanging out as kids or smth. That could give better insight as to why Diaspro likes him, as compared to "she just likes him" yknow??? She seems like a very firm person who clearly knows what she wants and would not tolerate getting married to someone she disliked/only marrying for a position.

There HAS to be a catalyst as to why Diaspro likes Sky. And I wanna see them be actual childhood friends!!! This background knowledge make readers empathise with Diaspro's emotional pain (beyond that throwaway line where she said she trained her whole life to be his wife) that she got her longtime childhood crush get taken away by some random girl who met him for 2 days.

It would also be interesting for the viewers to get a childhood flashback from both Diaspro's perspective and Sky's perspective just to see the differences in how they perceive their rs up to this point. It would also help viewers empathise with Diaspro more, while also understanding Sky's viewpoint.

Maybe a bit cliche and impossible, but I also want the final conclusion to be Sky fighting Diaspro instead of Bloom. Mostly bc I wanna see the dynamic between them (e.g I think Diaspro would hesitate to physically harm Sky, giving him the chance to win) but also bc this conflict is for these two to resolve, not Bloom.

Both of them have similar objectives but are on opposing sides, and it's up to Sky to be firm and prove his resolve by striking down Diaspro. In her moment of weakness when she falls and loses, he offers her a hand to signal a truce.

Very cliche, I know. But I think its a good way to involve Sky in this issue, instead of him appearing as a bystander while Bloom fights out his issues by herself. I also think it helps make Sky seem like a more likeable chara (even if the forgiveness act is cliche, cliche suits Sky anyway lol)

Diaspro's decision to take Sky's hand can also be different depending on what direction you wanna go for her.

If you want her to get a redemption like me and cleanly resolve the plot, she takes Sky's hand and comes to the understanding that she ultimately wants him to be happy and her doing this only worsens their friendship. She basically moves on gracefully and decides to dedicate herself to her kingdom instead.

(Maybe potential to slot a dubious enchantix transformation here? Idk she sacrifices her own goals and saves Sky from 3 more seasons of turmoil or smth)

If you want her to be a badass bitch and still wanna see her fight it out with Bloom, she takes Sky's hand but takes advantage of his vulnerability to turn him into a crystal statue. The "If I can't have you, no one else can." resolution, if you will.

I personally like the redemption route, but it's up to you. Ik a lot of people really want her to snap and lose it.

But what happens to Diaspro after that? Obviously, if you took the badass bitch route, Sky severs his friendship with her forever, like in S3. I would ideally like for Diaspro to never be seen again after that to show that there are consequences for her actions.

I'm gonna mention Comic #31 (again) that takes an interesting route with her redemption.

Diaspro has been rejected by Sky, after a long period of absence she returns to Magix and she needs books from the Alfea library. Bloom is paranoid about Diaspro attempting to steal back Sky

However, when Diaspro bumps into the winx and the specialists at a cafe, it turns out she's back bc she has decided to dedicate herself to study how to be a good ruler for her kingdom (thus Alfea books). She makes it clear that she has no intention on stealing Sky and Bloom is relieved, inviting her to sit with the rest of her friends. I think this is really sweet, bc I want them to be friends.

However, due to a spell from the Trix, Diaspro falls very ill. Sky often visits her without telling Bloom. This causes Bloom to grow worried and her insecurity resurfaces. Sky mentions to Brandon that there is no cure and the only thing that makes Diaspro feel better is his company. Sky hesitantly contemplates marrying Diaspro to help her illness. Bloom confronts Diaspro at her mansion, but is hesitant to tell her the problem.

Ok this is where the part I like comes in.

Diaspro is perceptive enough to pinpoint Bloom's worries, asking if she is worried that Sky is visiting her. She clarifies that she is not faking her illness, and that Sky only comes here to help her and nothing else. She also states that she does genuinely feel better when Sky is around. Bloom apologises.

Previously when Sky visits her, Diaspro also asks if Bloom knows about him visiting, Sky tells her not to worry about that (its ultimately Sky's own problem, bc he's so dense he decides not to tell Bloom and goes to visit Diaspro in secret, making Bloom worried. Im gonna kill him.)

I like that Diaspro is actively conscious of the way she makes Bloom feel. Obviously in the show she's very aware of Bloom's insecurities and takes advantage of it, but I like the more good-natured twist in this. The fact she also reassures Bloom that she has no ulterior intentions is really nice.

Ok back to the story. Bloom receives a call from Timmy that Sky might be in trouble, his ship has crashed while on a mission and the rest of the specialists are on their way.

Diaspro overhears this and insists on coming. Bloom urges her to rest instead as Diaspro is so weak she can barely stand or walk. However, Diaspro insists on following her, as she wants to help Sky and repay him the favour. Bloom helps hold Diaspro as they hobble out of her house.

Diaspro instantly feels better exiting the house as the Trix's curse is lifted. Bloom and Diaspro then fly to the crash site, use both their powers to visualise where Sky is located, and save him together.

Even though the conclusion of the story implies that Diaspro is back to her old self, I rly like this nice version of Diaspro. I like that she is genuinely concerned for Sky's safety and willing to take great pains to help him. I also think her working together with Bloom to accomplish a shared objective of helping Sky is really cute.

I think this is a viable way to continue Diaspro's relevance in the story, without her being antagonistic. Bc honestly, its kinda annoying that she keeps coming back only bc the showrunners wanna shoehorn another thing to disrupt Sky and Bloom's relationship, and they were lazy to think of anything else. I want Diaspro to have a purpose too!!! I want her to be a character who can learn and grow....

I think this also opens up a potential friendship between Diaspro and Bloom. I am a huge sucker for the dynamic of Diaspro being stubborn and "You can't stop me from going!!!" and Bloom sighing, going "Ok fine..." and then helping her.

Comic #15 also very briefly touches on this, where they get captured by a dragon and have to escape its lair together. They don't really share many moments of friendship there, but Bloom saves Diaspro's life and they have a small talk about their rivalry. (Bloom is more magnanimous in her behaviour towards Diaspro here lol)

Diaspro begrudgingly thanks Bloom for saving her but states that they will return to being enemies when they escape the lair. Once again, might be just me being partial to the "begrudging thank you" trope where they slowly become frenemies after that, but I think that moment was quite cute.

I think having a separate friendship could divorce her from the idea that she's in the show just because of Sky, and make her a less one dimensional character (aka not just Sky's Ex). Having connections and relationships with the rest of the Winx/Specialists could also be good.

As proposed by other people (Rus) , she could also bond with Aisha and Stella given their harsh upbringing as Princesses. Or yknow, maybe she could be with Chimera as a weird pseudo smug older sibling (parent manipulation bonding lol). I'm sure the writers can come up with something, there are so many possibilities.

(Idk where to put this, but her King Liason's outfit in S5 was so cool, idk why they got rid of it? Seeing her lead an army or be a commander for her kingdom when the Winx fight a big bad villain would be so cool.)

Anyway, I want better for Diaspro than to be shoved into the same love triangle every season like she's stuck in groundhog day. I'm not sure if S9 will try to be super faithful to the original, but if its a fresh reboot I hope they try harder with Diaspro.

[normal-thoughts-official]

Umm what are your thoughts on Magnus thinking Raphael doesn't need him anymore

Y̴̖̳̏͐̓͝͝͝O̴͉͔̪͙͎͌̋̊̽̚Ü̴̦ ̵̡̧͍̙͎̤̓͜F̵̺̹̼̫̳̻̖̓̈́̎Ơ̵͈̟̘̼̲O̴̤̻̭̻̟̺̖͗̆͌͒͆͊͂L̴̨͚̝̟̙̥͆̏. you absolute idiot. my thoughts on magnus thinking raphael doesn't need him anymore??????????????? C̶̨̛̖̘̜̟̪̱͗̈́̓̑̋͛́̽͛̃̑̈́Ą̵̢̣͕̥͚̩͔̗̤͙̺͝ͅN̷̢̜͇̪͖̫͓̦̟̰͎͈̫͔̹͌̓̏̐̔̊̽͝ͅ'̵̩͇͐̅͌͋̕T̵̡̡̼̰̼̯͇̝̗̼̫̝̺̝͖͑̀̒͛̈͘͜ͅ ̷̧̘̬͕̯̘͇̹̳͔̑̓͜Y̷̨̥̙̻̣̯̦̓̏̏̂̒͐̕Ơ̸̭͔̤̤̮̙͇͙͇͙̩͐̌̂̈́̐̇̌̌̕̚͝U̴̢̡͙͕̖̥̗̔̿̒̓̉̓͌ͅ ̶̺͚̯͙̘̦̻͚͒͒̍͗̌̚͜͠S̶̢͆̉́̋̈́́Ȩ̵̪͚̹͉͉͉̼̱͖̏ͅĘ̶̛̞̣͚̲̳̻̪̤̲͎̳̠̻̎̊̽̀̉̑͝ ̴̧̛̫͖͍̺͙͓͈̹͕͛͊͊̓͋̄͑͗̉͆͠͝T̵̡͍̱͍̙͈̞͍̪̭͌̄͂̎͑͂Ḩ̴̧̫̪͖̫̞̞̀̔̾̿̃͗̋͐̌͊̀̕̚È̴̢̨͓̞̠̲̱̠͉̾̀ ̴̢͇͈̣͙̝̭͔̰͔̫̦̈́̀͘Ṁ̶̡͓̖̭̩̱̗̗̘̯̖̹͖̳̭̙̺͋͐̈Ḭ̷̢̧̢͔̙̪̣̞̣͙̘̑͌̈́̐̾̅̆́̆̑̃͋͒͒̎͠Ş̵̱̘̰͓̫̦̺͚̙̹͚̗͎̭̠͆̀̏͐͋͗̈́T̷̢̡̡̛̪̝̟̻̠̼̦̦̰̦̗͓̣͌̌̐̋͊̐̔͛̕Ą̵͔͉̜̪̦͓̗̤͇͖̘͓̱̰̜̈͒̍̊͂ͅK̵̛͈̜̱͉̜̖͈̈́́̒̀̐͒́̂̔͆̾̏̂͂̕̕E̸̡͓̣̪̮͉̮̻̹̰̒́̾̋ ̴̡̮̝̝͇̫̮̭̞̦̘̙̥̥̗͒̿͝ͅY̷̡̨͙̝̰̗̗̫͛́̕͜͠͝Ō̵̬Ų̶̡̖̗͙̞̲̺͖̣͉̜̿́͒͆́̏̚͠ͅ'̵̮̭̗̙̘̰͍̥̣̪̩̖̦͂̀̋̆̓̉́̅͜R̸̼̤͙̞͚̼̤͆͛͌̄̈́̑͘Ê̸̡̢̩̳̤͙̳̘̲̞̦̳̻̩̔̐̄͐̑̒̿̒̽̈́̌͒̏̚ ̷̛̮̂̈̽̄̇̆̍̄͂̋̒͛͝͝͝M̶̧̢̛͙̮̣͎̮͍̝̪͔͎̘͔̐̊͐̄̃́̄̄͋̆̕͜͝A̵̧̮̙͖͓̭̯̘̪̿͊̌̉̆̄̈́̾̅́͆͋́̾̓͝K̸̘̩̯̼̣͍̠̝͈̤̮̝̻̬̿̈́Ǐ̶͖̹͈̫͙̀͛̀̆͆͊̿͘̕͝Ṋ̸̨̨̗̰͖̳̝͉͑̏̀̀́̂͗͌̽̈G̸̢̰̟̜͎̪̬̞̲͔̘͍̋̆. not only is this one of my favorite angsts ever, nay! you just posted self promo bait!!! i have a whole ass fic about it (link). and you know what the worst part is???? im gonna make a huge ass answer to your question anyway!!!! do you understand how naive you were now??? do you have any idea what you have unleashed?????

ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok. so i think the saddest part about this is magnus' assumption that like... if he isn't useful, he isn't desirable. which we know is 100% how magnus rolls (therapy-needing icon) and would particularly ring true in raphael's case because like... magnus took raphael in when raphael was at his lowest. their relationship was started off by the fact that raphael needed him. and that makes it even harder for magnus to shake that feeling off

like, don't misquote me, it's not raphael's fault and that is not how he sees magnus at all. and i don't think magnus singlehandedly saved raphael or whatever; raphael had to build his own network of ppl and resources to get over his addiction and get back on his feet and build himself back together, as anyone does. no one can carry a burden as big as singlehandedly taking care of any one person, nevermind one in the state rapha was in. but the fact remains: raphael and magnus met when raphael was at his lowest, and they built their relationship because magnus helped him

and magnus knows raphael's got this whole repentance thing going on, he knows that raphael feels like a monster and a burden and like his debt to magnus is unmeasurable. and that makes him second-guess everything about their relationship, imo, because like... raphael probably feels like he has to keep magnus company, he has to do as he says or whatever, because he has a debt

and to some extent it's nice that magnus is like... aware of that imbalance, which is inherent to that situation, but then i think it becomes pretty much... being convinced that raphael doesn't like him and only puts up with him because he has to since he owes magnus

and when magnus "adopted" rapha, magnus was at a particular fragile point. i'm pretty sure rapha was the first person magnus ever let into his life, fully, enough to really know him and his insecurities and his true self, after camille. his other friends - catarina, dot, ragnor, elias - all knew him from before. and we know how after camille magnus locked his heart; yes, he was referring to romantic relationships, but when you are constantly afraid of falling in love with someone in case they will abuse you, you can't fully build platonic relationships either, because there is that wall that is there, a certain level of intimacy that you won't allow yourself

and with that i don't mean that romantic relationships are inherently more intimate or deeper than platonic ones! i mean that to build any sort of intimate relationship, romantic or platonic, you need to be able to allow yourself to be vulnerable, and magnus was obviously not allowing himself that, because he was scared of being vulnerable after it was used so viciously against him the last time he opened up his heart

but magnus is still too caring of a person to leave someone in a state as bad as raphael's - no sire, battling addiction, alone in the streets, probably no knowledge of the shadow world (this is probably where i should add my mandatory disclaimer that i'm not following book canon and i don't care how it went there, i'm talking about the show), no clan, no family, basically no one - alone, so of course he's gonna bring him in for a night and feed him and try to find a way to help him

but then you add to that two facts: 1- magnus is hopelessly affection and touch-starved and desperately needs company; 2- there is not many places raphael can actually go to

so of course magnus lets raphael stay. and it's for his own sake as much as it is for his, because again, magnus is starved, and he is at a point of his recovery where he needs to let people in, even if it's slowly and in a relatively safe situation - like, what can raphael do to hurt him? okay, there's a few things, but still. it's just easier to let yourself be vulnerable when the person you're allowing to see it is someone you've seen equally as or even more vulnerable. especially if they have no connections to people you know, as it is in rapha's case

PLUS, he empathises. i've said it before and i'll say it again, raphael and magnus have so much in common. from background (immigrants, brown, downworlders, one is bi the other is ace which are two groups known for their ties and solidarity with each other, trans if you go by my headcanons which i will because this is my blog and i do what i want) to coping mechanisms (both clearly deal with their problems on their own and try to avoid letting other people help them as much as they can, even if in very different ways - magnus creates a persona so he can be surrounded by people and not let them in too close whereas raphael doesn't let them get close from the get-go), to some of their personal psychological issues (this unbearable responsibility they carry on their shoulders, like everything and everyone is dependant on them and it is on them personally to help everyone they find: see raphael and how involved he got with simon and the way he talked about the other vampires/the clan even before he became clan leader, and magnus and Literally Everyone That Came Into His Path; the feelings of monstrosity they both feel due to their downworlder status and their past; the guilt; the self sacrificial/giving til it hurts tendencies; etc), to a few personality traits (similar sense of humor, both natural leaders, both pretty bold in their own ways; they also have many differences in personality but they are quite compatible/similar in other ways as well).... i could go on. i'm not saying they are Literally The Same Character (that'd be bad writing anyway, and there are notable differences such as raphael being way more recluse than magnus, their different moral codes, etc.) but there is a lot in common, which results in a nice dynamic in which:

they have fun with each other (think "because you're totally unbiased"; that was clearly a tease, neither of them were really upset by it, raphael looked at magnus expectantly like he expected magnus to laugh and magnus just glared at him in a clearly playful way)

they care for each other deeply (think every interaction we got between them or that included them talking about each other to a third person lmao i think this one is undeniable)

they trust each other incredibly (think raphael being tortured and going to magnus before he went to his own clan, then staying at his house, he obviously feels comfortable and safe there more than anywhere else including his own supposed home; and i wish we had gotten to see more of raphael taking care of magnus as well but of course the writers always forgot magnus had friends and family beyond shadowhunters lmao, but still, i think it's undeniable that the trust goes both ways because of the sheer difference in the way magnus treated raphael as opposed to other people who came for his help, including downworlders like simon)

they are openly affectionate with each other in a way they aren't with most people (think them hugging or the way magnus casually touched raphael's face like it was perfectly normal. that is like, the only s3 raphael scene i claim lmao)

hmmm where was i going with this. man i should really get checked for ADHD or whatever

RIGHT they built a nice relationship. which magnus craved!!! he really really needed someone he could be affectionate with, someone he could trust, someone he had fun with! and again, it's not that he didn't have that, but it was the first time he was building a relationship like this again from scratch after camille. plus, i'm sure camille pushed him away from his friends because that's what abusers do, and i'm sure magnus also pushed them away to some extent because again, being vulnerable was hard. but with raphael there was no escaping it. like, he was living at magnus' house

and he needed that! and i think raphael and their relationship had such an important catalyst role in magnus' recovery from camille. not that raphael saved him - again, that's not even possible - but the way their relationship was constructed was essential for magnus to start opening up again. without it i really doubt it would have been possible for him to open up to alec, and i think their relationship and history is extremely overlooked and underrated by the fandom

but like... the fact that he was in such a vulnerable emotional state to begin with, plus the fact that their relationship was kickstarted by the fact that raphael needed him, will obviously lead to him thinking that raphael only puts up with him or whatever because he needs him/feels indebted (because magnus knows at this point that raphael is not the kind to use people, but he also knows that raphael already acts like his mere presence in the world is something he has to make up for it's the catholicism so of course he's gonna feel like he needs to make up for magnus for such a huge gesture. anyone who's not an asshole would, but like, particularly raphael). cue magnus like, probably feeling guilty for getting so attached to raphael because he's an idiot

and like of course raphael feels indebted and grateful but he also does genuinely in fact like magnus (for all the reasons listed above) and also like, he did in fact also need more connections, he had just lost all of his previous ones. but most importantly he does care for magnus and loves him immensely even beyond all that magnus did for him. and he does see magnus as a person and knows about his struggles and vulnerabilities because it's impossible not to when you live/have lived together, and he just... cares and empathises

but also raphael obviously thinks he's a burden to magnus because duh, and i don't think magnus ever really told raphael how much taking raphael in helped him, how much it meant to him and his recovery, how he was doing it for himself as much as he was doing it for rapha, because 1- he's scared of being so open and vulnerable; 2- he's scared of making raphael feel even more guilty; 3- he's stupid and i think part of him assumed it went without saying

like he was always so openly affectionate with raphael (maybe even too much in his eyes, maybe he was scared of being too attached, putting too much on his shoulders, it's not this traumatized kid's job to deal with his issues for fuck's sake) and magnus has always worn his heart in his sleeve and he feels everything so deeply i think he sometimes forgets that it's not actually plain for everyone to see and feel. particularly not non-warlocks, since it's kinda implied that warlocks have some level of sensitivity to each other going on. plus raphael is autistic af so he can't tell what magnus is feeling if magnus doesn't fucking say it, and he has a terminally low self esteem that i assume would be even lower by that point (due to, you know... the general shitshow state his life was in), so of course he doesn't assume he's as important to magnus as magnus is to him, particularly not when he is literally burdening him (in raphael's eyes). so he thinks it's obvious but it's Really Not

so we have like a lot of misunderstanding angst with both of them wanting to get closer but thinking they are imposing on the other and pulling away, and both of them taking the other pulling away as a sign that they aren't comfortable and aaaa

so like i think that rapha would mention moving out so he can get out of magnus' hair, and magnus is all crestfallen because he's so not ready to be alone at home again, but he can't be selfish and hold the kid back just because he has shit he needs to deal with, right? it's not fair

and then like lowkey spiralling afraid that after that he's going to be alone again and raphael won't want to see him anymore, or worse, that he'll force himself to out of pity or guilt, and magnus will just be a chore to him

and raphael feeling like magnus wants to get rid of him and will want him out of his hair and aaaaaaaaaaa

and magnus of course is all put together and excited about it, "yes, my boy, don't worry, i'll help you move" and playfully tilting his head and being all excited and getting into chop-chop mode because as long as he can make himself useful he can avoid thinking about how he's gonna be alone again. and rapha of course taking this as magnus being eager for him to leave

and just doijasiodjasoij they're IDIOTS. i think this would be more or less resolved by raphael because at the very least he has to thank magnus for everything he's done and tell magnus that he means so much to him, that he'll always be thankful. and magnus again is all put together, all "it was nothing, my boy" but rapha pulls him into a hug and suddenly they are Not Letting Each Other Go. like it's tight and maybe they're both shaking a little because Badly Repressed Emotions and they're just. so unwilling to let each other go for what they feel like will be forever because they are sad and dramatic. and raphael even wonders for a second if he's like, super strengthing magnus into the hug by accident, but even when he tries to let go magnus doesn't even notice and is still hugging him tight, so he's like. okay. guess i can stay for a little longer then. and keeps hugging him

and lol i have half a mind to be like "and then raphael ends up staying because neither of them actually wants raphael to leave so what's the point" and actually i think i might be going this route for this particular hc. but of course eventually raphael does leave because you know... kids grow up and all daihdsaioj and i think that they still have some things to resolve, particularly from magnus' side? i think raphael is more in touch with him than the other way around, even if mostly we've seen him coming to magnus for help, but like... that trust is there, you know, and we didn't see a lot of the opposite

i know s3 raphael was fake anyway but like i imagine him finding out that magnus lost his magic and he had no idea or that he lost his home and being like "why didn't you ask for my help?? our help??" because you know all his other friends would have wanted to help him out too, and magnus is just. he doesn't want to be a burden. he feels like if he is, he's going to lose anyone. he needs to be there for them

and it's so much bullshit of course and raphael is pissed - not at magnus, he couldn't be mad at him, but just pissed in general. and he draws magnus in for a hug and tells him that he can always come to raphael, whenever he needs, and raphael will drop everything to help him. the clan is doing okay (especially post-valentine and impending doom and all, you know, they can take care of themselves lmao. like look of course raphael is a very involved leader but you get what i mean, they won't die if he goes help magnus with something) and he has second-in-commands he trusts anyway. and he doesn't want magnus to hide his problems for him and not come for his help and aaa

just.... rapha being like "you think i wouldn't do anything i could for you? anything to make sure you're alright?" and magnus being like "you don't have to" and raphael going, "you didn't have to do it for me either. but you did" "you don't owe me anything" "i do, but this is not about that. magnus, you're my family" and magnus tearing up because it is so immense to him to be someone's family, something he almost can't grasp

and magnus slowly learning that no, raphael doesn't need him, but that's not important because he wants magnus in his life anyway. and they can always rely on each other, no matter what, even if they aren't dependant on each other - and that is a good thing :)

[everybodyelsesgirl]

#atotsweek2021 

day seven:  we will never be apart, indefinitely

since I hadn’t been able to take part in the other days this week, I’m going to make this a sort of all-in-one post with some of the things I've wanted to say about the show and what it’s meant to me, personally, so if you want to read that then click the read more I guess?!

what does the show (and the fandom) mean to you?

one of the main reasons that I started watching the show when I did was because of the gifsets here on tumblr (in particular, it was all the sets of the “what did you have for dinner” scene that finally tipped me over the edge, both literally and figuratively lol) and the overall discussion around the show and it’s approach to a genre which tends to be pretty rife with toxicity a lot of the time. I’d been feeling pretty frustrated (and probably slightly traumatised) by some of the shows that I’d been watching up until then, but I really wanted to give atots a chance after I’d seen people talking about it here.

so, of course, when I started watching I tried to go into it with relatively low expectations; I was looking for a distraction, something relatively harmless to occupy myself with for an hour or two every week. and whilst the show wasn’t perfect, it managed to capture so many aspects of life that I have been personally struggling to reconcile: chronic illness and how it can destroy your sense of self; the loneliness of self-isolation as a means of protecting yourself from being hurt by others; feeling like you’re living someone else’s life or living your life out of obligation to other people, and the struggle to understand how and where you fit into the world when you try to break out of that cycle; and, of course, a relationship between two people built on mutual trust that allowed for both of them to learn from each other and grow together as individuals in their own right.

the way the show handled these themes with genuine care and sensitivity had a deep emotional impact on me that I absolutely did not expect and so, once it came to an end, all I wanted to do was talk more about it. and I felt so fortunate that there were other people here who had connected with these things and wanted to talk about them too. honestly, being able to talk about the show with people here has helped me to process some of my own trauma and guilt in a way that I genuinely never thought I’d be able to. I see so much of myself in both phupha and tian’s characters, so seeing how people here empathised with their choices and motivations (as well as the people that didn’t) has honestly helped me to empathise with myself more. I don’t think any other show has had such an effect on me like atots has and, really, I owe a lot of that to the community here on tumblr for persuading me to decide to watch it in the first place.

name some of your favourite blogs/fandom creators? 

I’m going to be somewhat biased towards @systoles-lfc here purely for the masterpiece of hyperfixation which is the chronological list of phutian moments that I have been using as a resource for memes like the heathen that I am (also your fic is honestly so beautiful and perfect, I feel like I haven’t raved about it enough and I am sorry for that 😔😔). 

but I also want to mention @ataleofthousandstars and @phapundao and @taleofstars and @billkinsdancing for all the amazing edits and gifsets and other great content, and also big thanks to @eyepietime​ for always validating my ridiculous tag-essays lol 💖💖💖 

I know I’ve definitely missed lots of people, but I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for making such amazing content; it has honestly helped keep me sane since the show ended and I was left with an incredibly painful atots-shaped hole in my life.

anyway, here’s to many more #atotsweek’s to come and the definitely inevitable season two that we’re all just patiently waiting to be announced any day now! 🤡🤡

[atopearth]

Collar X Malice: Unlimited Part 6 - Side Stories

ONWARD (Kazuki SS)

Awww, I love how Akito and Kazuki first met. I think it's really cool that it was Kazuki who chased after him and was interested in him because he saw him doing music related stuff. I guess I'm so used to Kazuki being so harsh and whatever with Ichika that having him actively befriend someone is refreshing haha. I thought it was so cute how Kazuki so genuinely thought Akito's music was amazing, that probably really touched him. On the other hand, it's kinda sad to hear that people only talk to Akito to make fun of him, that's so sad. I wonder if Akito just allows it too because of what happened to his sister, so he wants to know how she might have felt? Anyway, I really love how Akito didn't listen to Kazuki, and told him straight the first time he went over to his place and met Ichika that she was just worried about Akito being here considering how late it was, and that he should greet her since he's in their home, and that it wasn't wrong for Ichika to be worried about him, which I'm very glad for. Kazuki is wayyy too blinded into thinking of Ichika as "the enemy" that it gets really frustrating a lot of the time. Anyway, seeing Ichika in third person perspective is interesting, she's so cute~ It's really cool how much Akito expanded Kazuki's world in music, like not only did he introduce him to bands and other people who play guitar that can give him better advice on his playing, but Akito also tried his best to contribute a lot to helping Kazuki mend his relationship with Ichika. LMAO at Kazuki's imagination of what Isshiki was going to be like and then called him ordinary😂😂

I really enjoyed seeing much more insight into Isshiki's feelings to his pro debut being cancelled. I think what hit me the most was when he talked about starting solo again, and people came to see the "tragic vocalist that got mistakenly arrested" instead of listening to his music as a musician, and I think that probably broke his heart quite a bit. I can see why he would have wanted to quit. Isshiki is really admirable though, but I guess hearing about Fujii's death pushed him to putting everything he could into his music, since it made him realise that your daily life can shatter in an instant, so he wants to appreciate every opportunity and chance he has to sing, and share his music and feelings to as many people as he can. Hearing Akito shout at Kazuki saying he doesn't have the right to continue composing music, especially as a pro made me really sad. The whole time from when Akito met Kazuki to them having fun tweaking their music and everything, Akito was suffering. He was happy that he could compose music and find it fun again, but he also felt really guilty for "having fun" because this was something he felt that he took away from his sister. It was because of this "fun" that he chose to ignore her and signs of her plight because it was too annoying to deal with, and that regret torments him to this day. And then now on top of that, the guilt and pain of all those bullies' lives are weighing on him because he told Zero that the whole class was a part of it and practically deserved to die, and then they did... It's understandable why Akito would think that he doesn't deserve anything "happy" since all he's been doing is taking away lives and the happiness of others.

Honestly, I love Akito and Kazuki's relationship, so seeing them make up and have Akito admit he really enjoys composing music etc was really nice. I also loved how Akito gave Kazuki his own guitar pick, it was so pretty! I'm so glad Akito got them to all take a photo before Kazuki's debut concert with Isshiki and officially formed a band with him. I'm glad Akito wanted to keep such a precious memory. And yep, I really loved this side story. I honestly didn't think there was much to add to Kazuki, Akito's and Isshiki's story anymore but I'm glad I was wrong haha! I think the emotions, their thoughts and their feelings throughout the story were portrayed really well to kinda show how much of a journey Kazuki was on whilst all the X-Day stuff were happening. It was like a whole different life compared to Ichika. But anyway, I really liked how we got to see more of the friendship between the three of them and how they all worked hard because of their passion for music, and how they felt connected to each other through listening to each other's music. I think that's really sweet and I can see better why Akito and Isshiki were always so protective of Kazuki and really understood him, and wanted Ichika to acknowledge him and his hard work. Still doesn't change the fact that I didn't like his attitude to her in the main story, but I liked seeing Kazuki try his best to grow in music and as a person with Akito's and Isshiki's support and acknowledgment.

Pride (Minegishi SS)

I guess it's interesting to see that aside from civilians in Shinjuku having to try and get used to normal life again, Minegishi is also trying to get used to dealing with "normal cases" and prioritising those rather than just X-Day incidents. I guess it's to expected since the Investigations HQ is disbanding. Considering how much SCRPO gets looked down upon, I'm really happy that Ichika and her diligence in telling civilians to report anything suspicious helped Minegishi and them solve a case with a kidnapper. LOL when Minegishi said he wants to be closer with all his subordinates and then he told Ichika she can call him "Mine-chan"😂😂😂 Imagine calling him that at the police station😂😂 Anyway, I've always really liked how sincere Minegishi is, so I was really happy when he personally went to thank Ichika for helping out with the case, praised her, and then even took her out to lunch. Anyway, even though the incidents are over, people like Saeki and other Adonis members haven't been captured, so it's understandable for Minegishi to still "care" about the X-Day stuff.

I know Minegishi is mainly interested in Ichika because of how crucial she was to solving the X-Day incidents and he wants to know more about her to see why they targeted her but awww, it would be so cool to have a Minegishi route! Lmaoo at Minegishi's joke saying he came to the station just to see Ichika and receive chocolates from her😂 It was so cuteee when Ichika ran after him and actually gave him chocolates she prepared~🥰 It's so cute how Minegishi loves teasing Ichika because of her funny and honest reactions🥲 I loved the chat Minegishi had with Sasazuka and Okazaki at the cafe hahaha, they're all interested in Ichika in their own way, it's so adorable lol. It's nice to see that Minegishi was in a sense frustrated that he believed he could lead the way to solve the X-Day incidents but in the end relied on one of the many subordinates he didn't take notice of alongside a group of police dropouts. I guess that would be difficult to face when you're so capable. I'm glad Minegishi was a bit more honest with her about his intentions and thoughts. Awww, I loved how Ichika teased Minegishi back in the car ride home! I totally dig their relationship and would have super loved an actual route with Minegishi, so cuteee!

Overall, definitely more of a fluff story than anything else. Makes you wish that Minegishi had a route, but also gives a bit more insight into the idea of the X-Day incidents "ending" and missing it. It makes me miss the main plot of the original game haha, and I guess that was the aim of this route, but at the same time, gotta move forward to accept other things~

Crossroad (Yoshinari SS)

Honestly, I've always loved Yoshinari because he's obviously capable considering he's in the SP, but he's so silly it's hilarious. Lmaooo at his drawings and notes on all the guys, I loved Enomoto's and Sasazuka's ones, totally shows their personalities😂😂 Yoshinari's sound effects are so funny, especially when he's sad🤣 Hahahahah, Shiraishi calls Yoshinari Inari-kun😂 I actually like inari sushi hahaha. Anyway, considering Shiraishi's nicknames for Sasazuka and Enomoto, him naming Yoshinari anything is actually friendly lol. It was so cute how happy Yoshinari was when he got Ichika to laugh, he's so adorable for trying so hard to talk to her so she won't feel so tense and guarded around him. Considering all the "exotic" things Okazaki likes to try, I'm surprised the durian shake is the one that made Yoshinari nearly vomit hahaha, but maybe that's just because I'm used to the people around me liking durian.

LMAO when Yoshinari collapsed from hunger and even made Kazuki be nicer (since he was initially quite prickly with Yoshinari) and carry him to their apartment to feed him lol. It's actually kinda cute how that encounter ended up making Kazuki feel like it was easier to approach Yoshinari and chat with him lol. Omg, I didn't expect Yoshinari's past and his relationship with his parents to actually be so...sad. I mean, I can understand to an extent why his parents might feel "resentment" or whatever towards Yoshinari since he never came home, was in a gang etc whilst they were probably working their asses off just to make ends meet, but I honestly don't think I can really empathise with them if they can say something to him like just die somewhere that won't trouble them or whatever, like really??? That's just such a cruel thing to say to your child. It's depressing to think that Yoshinari wanted to make up with them and tried to be an upstanding guy and worked hard to be an SP and stuff to show them that he's changed, but they didn't even want to give him a chance and literally just disowned him, that's really terrible.

I love how Yoshinari would willingly "make fun" of himself just to defuse and ease a situation (when Kazuki and Ichika clashed after she followed him to his band practice place), but I really love his sincerity. He's not great with his words, but seeing his sincerity and consideration for Kazuki made Ichika understand that she could trust him and wait for Kazuki because someone like Yoshinari asked her to, and that gives her confidence since she isn't aware what Kazuki is always up to. I think it's sweet to see Ichika appreciated that and told him that she trusts him, and I think that really helped Yoshinari too, since he always feels like he's "trouble" because of his past, but hearing someone appreciate him for doing what he did must make him happy. Lmao at everyone in the office being mean to Yoshinari for planning on going on a date with Ichika hahah. Aww, Yoshinari in work mode is pretty cool~ 

Aww, Ichika crying and hugging Kazuki feeling relieved that he's okay and not in danger anymore was so cute. Gotta feel sorry for Kazuki, he's always targeted lmao. Anyway, seeing the scene with Ichika and Kazuki being able to be more honest with each other and care for each other openly made me really happy. It also made me think, this is probably one of the reasons why I always found it "sad" in Sasazuka's route that they made it like Kazuki needed to "grow up" and live by himself so she could be with Sasazuka properly, when I feel like it's so sad that Kazuki and Ichika have finally made up and can be a "proper" family now, but they didn't even get to spend much time together yet. But it's okay lol, since we get to see her bond with Kazuki in moments like these in other routes.

I can understand why Yoshinari is so insistent on detaching himself from Ichika and them though. As an emotional person myself, when I get attached to people, it would definitely affect my feelings, my thoughts and how I handle things regardless of how much I want to stay logical, so I usually adopt something similar to Yoshinari's way of doing things. But I'm so glad that Yoshinari just went screw that after Ichika gave him a scarf for Christmas haha. In the end, as he said, people aren't machines, and life is too short to hesitate and give up on things like that when it's so difficult to find someone you actually like! Too bad the world wants to bully Yoshinari too, so even though he was able to talk back to Okazaki and tell him he seriously wanted to tell Ichika his feelings, the writers didn't want him to lol. Oh, and I loved how all the guys treated Yoshinari like an abandoned puppy outside in the cold and kept giving him food and stuff so he would keep warm whilst on the job, that was so cute hahaha.

Overall, I quite liked Yoshinari's story, I think it was really cute to see how even though Yoshinari is kinda like the "joke" character that gets bullied, he also has a past that allowed him to connect with Kazuki on a deeper level and help mend Kazuki and Ichika's relationship in his own way. I really liked how sincere Yoshinari was to everyone, and I think it's with such a personality that everyone is able to do the same with him. I think a romance with Yoshinari and Ichika would be so adorable with how they are, and I also really like his friendship with Kazuki so I think they would be a really warm family hahahah. If only we got proper routes for all these side characters🥲🥲🥲 Definitely enjoyed all the side stories and in a sense, they were probably much more fun than the actual routes haha!

[limjaeseven]

Don’t Wanna Know (5/8)

VERSE 2: PART 5 OF 8

Pairing: Jinyoung X Jaebeom ft Seulgi of Red Velvet

Genre: Fluff, Angst

Word Count: 2,064

Summary: Jinyoung gets casted in his first mainstream movie and he wants to tell Jaebeom about it. The elder never picks up his phone.

Warning(s): Mentioned cancer, sad JJP

Jinyoung had hoped that they would stop ghosting each other after their fight in high school but that didn’t really happen. They had always bickered and argued, being complete opposites but after that first fight, Jinyoung didn’t think he could take anything like that ever again. He remembered those four months of ignoring Jaebeom because looking at his face hurt.

The words tore him apart, but what was worse was the way Jinyoung could see Jaebeom beating himself up. From the dark circles to the short tempered attitude, he knew that Jaebeom was hurting just as much as he was but the things that he said held Jinyoung back from comforting him. He wondered when things would get better and though they eventually did, it was a painful journey.

Their next time they didn’t talk to each other for a while happened after they graduated from college. They had been living in the same apartment for almost four years and had gotten good jobs at respectable firms, Jinyoung having signed with a small acting company and Jaebeom with a production house. Things were going well till Jaebeom told him he was in love.

Seulgi was her name, she was an intern at the production house and the most beautiful woman Jaebeom had seen. He spoke of her endlessly to Jinyoung, who just felt the strong urge to bury himself alive. Jinyoung had known he was in love with Jaebeom for years. It wasn’t even that he liked men, he just knew that he wanted no one but Jaebeom.

He remembers the first time he got her home, she was one of the nicest people Jinyoung had ever met, making it impossible for Jinyoung to hate her, and most importantly, she made Jinyoung happy. Jinyoung had never seen Jaebeom smile like that, like the weight that he forever carried on his shoulders had vanished and been replaced with a cloud.

They went out a lot, Seulgi never staying over mostly for Jinyoung’s benefit. She lived alone so Jaebeom spent most of his time at her apartment. Shared breakfasts with Jinyoung became texts letting him know that he’d spent the night at her house and driving together to work became apologies about needing to drop her somewhere.

Jinyoung hoped that it would fade, despite the fact that Jaebeom was happy, a selfish part of him wanted them to breakup, sending Jaebeom rushing back to him. The other part of him weighed down with guilt over those thoughts. It was a vicious cycle of jealousy and self-hatred that made Jinyoung feel like he was drowning.

The world came crashing down on Jinyoung when Jaebeom announced that they were moving in together. Jaebeom was leaving him for good, Jinyoung thought. He knew that he wasn’t actually going anywhere, they were still best friends and nothing would ever come between them but for Jinyoung’s brain it was a big red signal telling him that he wasn’t needed anymore.

“Isn’t it too fast, hyung? You’ve only been dating for six months” Jinyoung didn’t know if he was trying to reason with Jaebeom or himself.

“I barely come here anymore, half my clothes are in her wardrobe. I know it’s faster than usual but I think she’s the one, Jinyoungie” And Jinyoung believed his words. The look in his eyes told him that this was it, the woman he was going to marry, he could already picture them with two little kids in his head. It took everything for him to not fall to the floor from the sheer emotional exhaustion.

Packing was much easier than Jinyoung thought it would be, he hadn’t noticed the way that most of Jaebeom’s possessions were already gone. He didn’t know if it was ignorance or denial on Jinyoung’s part but Jaebeom had found someone he wanted forever. He had known that it wouldn’t be just the two of them forever, he knew that eventually they’d have to find their own paths in life but this was all too soon.

Jinyoung cried that night, as he sat on the floor of Jaebeom’s empty room. He couldn’t imagine living alone, even when Jaebeom wasn’t at home, Jinyoung could at least walk in there, smell his perfume on the clothes, fell his presence in the space but now it just felt sad.

They met less and less as time passed by, their lives packed with work and love for Jaebeom. Jinyoung moved into a smaller apartment closer to his workplace, unable to sleep without Jaebeom across the hall from him in their old home. The housewarming party was just Jaebeom, Jinyoung and a bottle of wine, which was only for the younger since Jaebeom had sworn off alcohol.

Then came the day that Jinyoung got casted in his first movie, it was a medium budget rom-com and Jinyoung was only a supporting character but it was still a big deal to him. He had tried to call Jaebeom to tell him about it but the elder never picked up his call. Desperately wanting Jaebeom to come meet him on set once he called and called but it was never answered.

Months passed by and the shooting wrapped up, but there was still no contact from Jaebeom. He tried going to his apartment only to be told he had moved out months prior. That’s when the despair really kicked in, Jaebeom didn’t want him anymore, he didn’t even bother telling him he was moving out. As a last resort, Jinyoung went to Jaebeom’s workplace, just to talk to him once and he wasn’t there. He saw Seulgi but she looked uncomfortable as she spoke to him.

“Where is hyung?” He asked, desperate for answers.

“I’m sorry Jinyoung but Jaebeom can’t meet you right now, he’s been quite busy and wants no distractions” He could tell she was lying, Seulgi wasn’t a good liar.

“Can you just give these to him?” Jinyoung handed over two tickets for the premiere of his film to her before leaving. He still didn’t receive any calls from Jaebeom, things were over between them forever, he thought.

Jinyoung didn’t realise how quickly the day of the premiere came. He felt like he was dying as he donned on his brand new suit and walked down the red carpet with his co-stars. His smile didn’t reach his eyes as he looked into the cameras, his jokes not carrying any of the energy. The seat he had reserved for Jaebeom and Seulgi was just down the row and no matter how many times he checked, there was no one there. Even after the movie started, Jinyoung hoped that they would come in, apologising for being late and congratulate him afterward for his achievement.

He received compliments from his colleagues and critics alike who attended the screening but he didn’t hear any of them. He put up his act long enough for him to exit the building from a side exit, away from the public eye.

The tears welled up the moment he was alone, Jinyoung’s body growing weak as he let the events of the previous hours sink in. It had probably been the most important moment in Jinyoung’s life, and Jaebeom didn’t come. He tried to walk around outside the theatre a bit to get some air but his lungs felt like they were full of water. He struggled to breathe, his legs moments from giving away.

Every attempt at rationalising Jaebeom’s actions failed and Jinyoung realised that he was fighting a lost cause. Breathing deeply, he reached his hand out to hail a taxi. Just as he was stepping into the vehicle, he thought he heard his name being called out, it sounded like Jaebeom’s voice. He didn’t turn back though, he just scolded himself for fabricating his presence because there was no way Jaebeom was there.

It had been two days after Jinyoung’s housewarming party that Jaebeom collapsed at work. He was in the middle of directing a scene for a music video when he just crumbled and fell, fortunately one of his co-workers caught him before he could hit his head on the ground.

Seulgi had been nearby at the time and accompanied him as he was rushed into the hospital. Jaebeom had changed his emergency contact from his parents to her just to make sure Jinyoung wouldn’t find out about his condition. Seulgi knew, he had told her that early into them dating, letting her know that he wouldn’t be around for too long. He had also made her promise to never tell Jinyoung.

She had waited outside the ICU for nearly four hours before the doctor came out to tell her what was wrong but all she could hear was ‘worse’ and ‘not much time’ through the cloud of fear surrounding her. He had let her know that he was unconscious but she could meet him when she heard Jaebeom’s phone buzz next to her. She had received it from one of the nurses who had seen it fall out of his jacket pocket as he was wheeled in.

Seeing Jinyoung’s caller ID terrified her, what was she supposed to tell him? She hoped that if she didn’t answer he would not call again but the calls kept coming. Scared, she blocked his number, making a mental note to tell Jaebeom when he woke up.

But he didn’t wake up, not for a while. His body grew weaker in the days he was at the hospital, his body waiting to succumb to his condition. Their apartment was too far away from the hospital for Seulgi to travel back and forth everyday so with the help of her parents she moved into a place nearby after being informed that Jaebeom could easily be admitted for months.

And that he was, it was three months till he was discharged. It took another few weeks for him to finally come back to normal. He finally got a hold of his phone the day of the premiere but was surprised to see no calls from Jinyoung.

“Did Jinyoung not even call me once?” He mused. He asked Seulgi about it who had completely forgotten about blocking Jinyoung and she apologised profusely as he told her about what she had done. Though he tried to empathise with her actions he was mad beyond belief. He knew he would have hurt Jinyoung immensely by just disappearing off the face off the earth for months.

He tried to call Jinyoung but his phone was switched off. Dejected, he headed to bed to get some rest but just as he was about to turn the lights off he noticed two tickets on the bedside table. He had never heard of the movie mentioned on the tickets and was confused as to why they had premiere tickets to the show.

Looking up the name of the film on his phone, Jaebeom felt his entire world come crashing around himself. Park Jinyoung, his Jinyoungie was listed as one of the cast members. Jinyoung had finally been casted in a movie and Jaebeom had missed its premiere.

The screening started at 7 pm and it was nearly ten, Jaebeom cursed out loud as he rushed to throw on some clothes, he hoped Jinyoung was still caught up in the interviews so that he could at least show his face at the event. He ignored Seulgi as she asked him where he was going and hopped into his car, driving as fast as he could.

Parking his car outside the theatre, he noticed the press interviewing the main cast in the lobby of the theatre but Jinyoung was nowhere to be seen.

“Lim Jaebeom?” One of the staff members called out as they noticed his presence.

“Have you seen Park Jinyoung anywhere?” He asked them, panic rising in his body.

“He didn’t look very well, told me he was going home early. He just left so you might still be able to catch him” They pointed in the direction where Jinyoung had gone and Jaebeom thanked them before running full speed to catch up with Jinyoung.

“Jinyoung!” He shouted out as he saw Jinyoung step into a taxi. The younger hesitated for a moment and Jaebeom waited for him to turn around, but he never did. Jinyoung quietly climbed into the car and drove off, leaving Jaebeom panting on the sidewalk.

[sinnabonka]

Hey Hun! Lots of love to you. For starters I wanted to say that there should be no cell in your body blaming yself in any way. You and your blog were hope for so many people. You were the "you are not crazy" of the final weeks, and I'm forever grateful to you. Instead of dying of anxiety I managed to have a blast in this time of waiting, thanks to you. I passed my master thesis, because you gave me strength to see past the fear. I laughed in those weeks more than in last 5 years, and all of it because of the hope you gave me.

The rest of the msg is going to be pretty emotional rant about the awfulness of it all, and I know my opinion doesn't matter to anyone but I wanted someone important to me to hear my thoughts, if that's ok. It's also ok if you don't want to read it ofc. It's like my breakup letter to the show.

I hear many people cheering for the finale and i find it really hard to deal with. I always considered myself an open person who fights for healthy love as the only redeeming quality of the universe. I could see people's point of view, even if it didn't sit well with mine, and I would always try to hear them out respectfully until they weren't being respectful themselves. That said, I'm fully unable to understand cheering for this type of spiteful content and hearing those cheers makes me feel like the entire world is listening to "this is how you treat your fans, this is how to abuse your power over naive sheep, this is how to keep dumb, hopeful minorities in check" and taking notes.

It also upsets me that the people who gave this show all of themselves and tried to understand it to the core are given no resolution, are spitted on and buried under the rug for doing their best to appreciate the art and the story it was telling. Yet people, who just hang around and watch the show doing the dishes, with no consideration to it's story or characters, got as nonsensical ending as their whole idea of character development in SPN.

I know people say that it was good enough, because it leaves space for guessing and own interpretation, but I feel it's really undermining the extend to which the finale was awful and hurtful to the fans. There is no end that realistically could stop fanfic writers from finding way around it in the world of Supernatural, so saying it was thoughtful of them Is like excusing abusive partner because "they could hit me harder, but they didn't. That means they care"

Lose ends, characters being written in a way that is totally not true to them and their development (personally my biggest allegation), dismissing years of story development, proving that it was all 'queerbaiting' in big part in the end (hell, even the whole "Cas is in heaven so do with it what you will" is a shameful way of appalling to LGBTQ community after using them so hard.

In the pie scene, the roles should be swapped, it's Dean who should say that Cas is on his mind and Sam explaining him that it's only right to keep on living doing good in their name. That's what Dean told Sam at the beginning of the season, when Sam lost Rowena, so it would be at least a bit poetic. This would at least give us some truth from Dean for once, but he died how he lived, in shadow of his fear to be true towards his feelings and needs. And as he died, he bound his little brother to the hunting till the end of his days, by guilting him into it on his deathbed. Guess Dean took after his father.

Have you realised what that emotional "love speech" from Dean to Sam resulted in? It was writers taking back Cas' confession after they didn't need our viewership anymore.

They basically gave us love confession to get us to follow the finale and when they didn't need us anymore, not only they didn't commit to the confession, but they undermined it by having Dean's speech to Sam go the way it did with obviously higher emotional charge, successfully taking back the value of Cas' confession and making it about a bait for "Tumblr idiots"

Finale killed my feelings towards Destiel, not because it wasn't confirmed canon, but because from what I see in the episode, they canonically confirmed that

- for Dean, Cas was only means to an end, which is such an awful way of ending Cas' character arc. They gave him everything he was scared of and nothing close to consolation price and they dare to tell us he had a happy ending, "because they said so". Well, I didn't see him being happy, and knowing what i textually know i can empathise enough to say that he faced a miserable finish. Even Chuck got an end that was better than Cas' fate.

- Dean, given power to do anything he could dream of, chooses to not even greet Cas, after Cas gave his whole life to Dean, told him he loved him and died for him. I know some people consider the little smirk of Dean confirmation of his feelings, but let's be real for just a second. If someone you deeply loved for years confessed to you, told you they thought you don't love them back, you would be freaking running to see them and tell them how much you love them. That smirk to me reads as "I'm relieved to know you're not going to spend eternity in mega hell that i left you in" and we really need to stop giving credit to writers for scraps like this when it's the last episode ever and we know this isn't going anywhere.

Not to mention that by having Jack bring Cas back behind the scenes it just highlights the fact that Dean didn't ask him to do that in episode 19.

As result, I'm unable to look at any Destiel scene and not think "in here Cas already loved him and in here Dean already abuses the power he had over Cas, because of his one-sided love"

And yet, the episode and endgames for everyone (maybe not Sam, but he was seriously pinning for Dean his entire life. Wincest much?) managed to be so bad, that not even bringing Cas back or following up on Destiel would make a difference in my eyes. I know you believe that Destiel would save it, but for me as much as it would be a redeeming quality, it wouldn't be enough to save this awfulness that writer doomed characters with.

And all the Wincest scenes in the finale... I low key expected them to make out and it made me feel physically sick. Also, cutting Misha out because of coronavirus is a cheap excuse. We all know better than to believe that, so let's not fall for the self pity play from the abuser.

If you managed to stay with me till this point, thank you so much for hearing me out. I hope i didn't anger you with my monologue. I will always think of the lamp when i think of you. The reality is that you were the lamp for so many of us in this darkness.

Love you so much, wish all the best to you, take care of yourself and stay safe!

Oh my god, if I didn’t cry with the final, I definitely am crying now. And now I have to explain my partner why I’m staring at my laptop and sobbing ugly. What have you done? 

First of all, I hear you pain, my friend! I share it! I didn’t spend a second after the final without the feeling of my heart being shuttered into million pieces, being stitched back just to break again, and so on and so on. 

I had my first panic attack in two years yesterday, when I kept thinking about the message the show sent to the fandom via Dean’s fate. I have a few posts in my draft on the matter, but I am not sure I will ever share them, because it is one strong depresso, and I don’t think people following me should see how fucked up it really is (if they didn’t get it by themselves, of course). 

I want to remind you, my gentle soul, that the story belongs to us. We know Dean, we know Cas, we know Sam and others. We know that the final is not who they are! I know it’s hard to ignore the text, the canon, because it’s kinda godsent, but the truth is essential. And the final is not the truth.

The truth: 

Cas loves Dean, he sacrificed himself for him, he saved his life on multiple occasions, he told all those beautiful things and he meant every word.

Dean loves Cas, he was on his lowest every time he lost him, Cas was his “big win”, his best friend, his brother, his white light that lead him out of his anger, hatred and despair. He took a dog and called it Miracle, he was looking for a job to retire from hunting, he didn’t kill Chuck - all of that, because the sacrifice Cas made was not in vain! The message was clear. 

I choose to ignore the “Carry on”, the only attention it is going to get is me creating 20 more mails just to put a one star review there and to drop some more salty or bitter comments with it. Maybe I will read through some reviews, too, add them to my collection. 

Maybe I will one day write here an article from scriptwriting perspective how fucked up in was, because that’s what I can do about it, without throwing up. 

If you can’t ignore it, I understand it. It is painful, it is disrespectful, I hate it as much as you do, probably. 

If there’s anything I can do for you to feel better, just drop me a message, we can talk about it. I am on the lowest, too, but maybe we can help each other.

You say I was your lamp. Let me lead you our of the darkness one more time <3 

CW can suck my metaphorical dick (I’m tagging every angry post with it), but Supernatural is not just the show on CW, it’s a big family. 

And you can’t give up on it! You can’t give up on Dean and Cas, you can’t give up on Destiel! It’s so much bigger then the show itself.

Rediscover the show for yourself, remind yourself that Dean and Cas are real, it was never one sided, it was always something amazing. 

What is real? We are.

Don’t you ever change.

I rather have you, cursed or not.

It’s love, hun, and love always wins. 

[masked-buffoon]

Chapter 12: Curtain call (Part 6)

Warnings: none

Author notes: and this is the last part... I hope you liked the chapter...! Do tell me what you think about it in the comments...! I’ll take a moment to write the next chapter, then I’ll come back...!

"Eh? Not yet…?"

I felt disheartened when Dazai told me I was still unable to obtain my detective license.

It had been a couple of days since the case had ended. Sakunosuke-kun had gone back to his mother, who had immediately taken fate in her own hands. She was a brave woman and, despite how mentally weak she had been described to us, she had not dwelled too much on the past events, determined to give her son the best life possible. After thanking us for everything, she had left to a hotel, pending to find a proper home. Ever since, I had rested and taken care of a few minor cases with either Dazai or Kunikida. But I was still not a detective…

"There are things that need to be done before~ That's all I can tell you~" My friend answered as vaguely as ever.

"Thanks for your wonderfully useful advice." I rolled my eyes.

So, the entrance exam was not over… Even if the case was completed…

The Agency was unexpectedly calm in the afternoon, so I decided to go out and have a walk. I had bought a brand new computer for the Fox and wanted to deliver it to him myself. What kind of face would he make, I wondered… He would most certainly be surprised… Or shocked? Messing with him was terribly fun and I was terrified to realise I was getting used to it… Why, it was true that he had interesting reactions…

I had had the large package delivered to a shop near the abandoned building, so I would not have to carry it for too long. At this hour, he was either looking for clients in the old underground casino or working at his place. I tried my luck, without trying to be discreet, this time.

"Fox…!" I exclaimed upon seeing him.

He calmly turned towards me, and grinned, visibly happy.

"Ogawa…! You came back…! Well, I did see you on the surveillance cameras I installed after the panicked attack you gave me last time… But still, I'm glad to see you…!"

"I'm happy to know you enjoy my company so much." I chuckled "I also heard you set your bomber friend free?"

"Indeed." He confirmed "Thanks~ What's that thing you're carrying around by the way?"

"Oh that? It's for you. As an apology for the one I broke, and a thank you gift, too."

"I thought you had no more money…?" He accepted the present.

"I officially am ruined." I smirked "But, you know, I still have one or two offshore accounts from my days in the Port Mafia…~"

"Oh… I see. That's a valuable information you're giving me there~"

His eyes widened when he opened the package.

"Seriously…?!"

"... Is it not to your taste…?"

"You have to be kidding, that computer is…" He paused "It's awesome…! One of the best currently on the market…!"

"Well, I figured, since you'll work for me in the future, I need you to be more efficient than you are now." I declared, satisfied.

"So you officially got accepted into the Agency?"

"Not yet…" I sighed "There is still something left to be done, but I don't know what…"

"Only you can find that out. Except if you can read their mind…"

"That'd be cheating…"

"Didn't you already cheat to solve your case by coming to me?"

"That was… Another type of cheating." I crossed my arms.

"If you say so… Well, I hope for you that you'll get that job. I have something that might interest you about that, if you want, by the way."

"About the Agency…?"

"Its director. He has an ability which allows his subordinates to control theirs. Isn't that something you'd be after…?"

I looked down.

"It's true that, a week ago, I would have tried everything to get my hands on such an ability… Controlling The Sweet Appeals… That's something I've yearned for since… Since my birth, I guess. But if I don't meet the criteria to become a detective, I don't care anymore… I did my best, and I spent wonderful moments by their side… With that memory, I feel I don't even mind dying." I admitted.

"Is that so…?"

"Yes…! I think I am happy now, Fox. When you're happy, it doesn't matter whether you die or not."

"... Shouldn't it be the opposite…?"

"When you're miserable, you want to die, of course, but it'll leave a bitter taste when it's time to go… I know that feeling, I've experienced it, once. But when you're happy, you can leave without regrets. That's the most important to me." I smiled.

"I see… Well, I'm not here to discuss philosophy with you."

"I'm sorry, you were surely in the middle of an important work…"

"Obviously…! I finally found my neighbour's cat and I got another client… I was just talking to them when you came in."

"Oh, my apologies, then…! Please don't mind me, I'll leave…!"

"It's not a big deal." He snickered "Actually, that client wants to talk to you, too."

"Don't tell me…"

He turned on the screen of his computer. Sitting with his back turned towards us, Dazai was swinging on his chair, humming a song only he knew of.

"Dazai…" I groaned "I should have doubted it…"

"Oh, Ogawa…! Here you are, finally…!" He turned towards me.

"You heard everything?" I deduced.

"I, and, in fact, the entire Agency did."

I blushed, embarrassed. All these sweet and naive words… They had heard them…? What about my image of a stern young woman…?!

"Goddammit… You set me up…!"

"Kind of." He laughed "I asked the Fox a favour. We still needed to see what you would do with the information about Fukuzawa-san, after all. To see if you weren't going to threaten him, for example~"

"Who are you taking me for…?" I raised an eyebrow "Really, you…"

"Give me some space…" Yosano-sensei groaned, pushing Dazai aside to sit in front of the screen.

"Sensei…"

"That's me…! You remember our last talk?"

My heart thumped in my chest, painfully.

"Vividly…" I said.

"I understand. I'd like to discuss it with you again, if you'd like. I have something you may want…"

"I'm coming."

I immediately made my way back to the Armed Detective Agency, where the doctor was waiting for me. She offered me a drink in the cafe beneath the offices. I did not dare talk, afraid of what she would tell me. I had had to reflect on my relationship with my deceased mother and admit I had been loved… The only person I had talked to about this matter was Dazai, but that was because he knew the identity of the real murderer. I looked down, barely touching my black tea, as she took a look at a file. She pushed it in front of me.

"First of all, I want you to know that you really are your father's daughter."

I blinked at her.

"What…?"

"I had a paternity test done to see whether Taikin-san was your father or not. He had a suspicious behaviour, mostly regarding the picture you found..." She told me "The results are negative. I'm sorry, but you truly are an Ogawa…"

"It doesn't matter… Being a Taikin would have been as disgusting, anyway…" I mumbled "And they're all dead now..."

"So… What answer have you come up with?"

"Regarding my mother…?"

Her eyes were enough to answer me. I thought for a moment.

"Before I tell you, sensei… There is something you must know." I raised my eyes at her "The massacre I have told you about… I am the one who committed it. With my own hands, I murdered the ones who had given life to me, and spared my sister on purpose."

Her look was one of horror. I was expecting just as much. Sitting in front of a disgusting person like me, who had sinned and gone against the world itself by killing her parents. There was no redemption possible for a parricide like me. There was not even a chance, for no one would ever be willing to give it to me. No human on this Earth was able to smile and say I was forgiven.

"I thought so…" She simply sighed "Your behaviour… You were not appeased the least, as though you blamed yourself… I understand better why you reacted so strongly when I told you that your mother loved you… You felt guilty because, deeply, you already knew so… Am I right?"

"In fact… You can't be righter…" I chuckled bitterly "I killed someone I shouldn't have… But killing isn't like hurting; you can't go back on your deeds. So, indeed… My mother loved me, dearly, and, to thank her, I took her life. Am I not loathsome? Am I not someone you won't ever want to see again?"

I had not noticed that, as I was pronouncing these words, I had gradually stood up from my chair. I was oddly panting, distressed, and barely containing my tears. Yosano-sensei did not say a thing. Instead, she brought a hand to my head, and patted it gently. Why…?

"I am sure that, from where she is, she is happy that you finally understood her feelings, even if you cannot tell her directly anymore…"

I sat back, astonished. Did she not… Hate me…?

"I… Are you not… Grossed out, by me…?"

"Why would I be?" She put a reassuring hand on top of mine "I'd rather try and empathise, instead of judging you. You are Ogawa, don't let your past define you. I know the you now. Perhaps I would have detested the previous Ogawa, but I like the present you and it is all that matters to me. The only thing I wanted, truly, was for you to recognise your mother's love, not to be unfair to her… Had I known that the burden was this heavy, surely I would have asked you to take more time, but… You should know you don't have to live with that guilt forever."

Her opinion differed completely from Dazai's and mine. How could I not feel eternally guilty for an unrepairable crime…? Was it not my punishment for being so blind…? I asked her.

"It is true that guilt will haunt you, but…" Her face darkened a second "You'll learn to live with it. Your mother wouldn't have wanted you to carry that weight forever… Eventually, you will have to let go. You said you were happy… Please, look forward to tomorrow instead of remembering that terrible past. Let ghosts be what they are; ghosts. You can only move on…"

"So I… I should focus on what I should do next… Shouldn't I…?"

"That's exactly it. You're a detective of our Agency. Be proud of it, and don't lower your eyes."

"Well…" I attempted a poor joke "I'm not yet a detective…"

"That's because I forgot something…"

Hidden under the paternity test she had shown me earlier was an official card from the government. My name was written on it and it was signed by the director himself. My detective license…

"Yosano-sensei… Truly, I —"

Dizziness got the better of me without any apparent reason. The world turned around me and I fell from my chair, only to be caught before hitting the cold floor.

"A predicted reaction…~" Dazai's voice echoed in my ear.

"That weird sensation…" I muttered "As though I can actually… Control these voices… That's the directory ability, isn't it…?"

"Mmh… You worked well, Ogawa." He put a hand on my head "Just rest for now… Kunikida-kun will forgive you that much~"

"... I guess he will… Can I decide to… Sleep…?"

"You're in control now." He assured me, before adding, lower "You're really going to live, now…"

I closed my eyes. Yes, I would live, day after day. I had been reborn as a new person, as a detective. These years of torments were finally over…

A single tear rolled on my cheek as I lost consciousness.

[ohlayarfp]

Film Review - Misteri Dilaila by Syafiq Yusof

Misteri Dilaila is a Malaysian horror thriller film that went viral in 2019. I rarely watch Malaysian films because when i do, it’s usually the same plot all over again. Drama, romance, action, comedy and everyone’s favourite, Horror. I feel like these genres are the usuals everywhere but what makes it unbearable for most of us Malaysians is how similar every story is. Rich boy meets a poor girl. Rich boy falls in love with her and when they get married the mother hates the poor girl. They fight and one day someone dies and the end. For horror, it’s just about some people getting haunted by a ghost that was sent by a close friend of theirs.

The thing I understand about the horror hype for Malaysians is how our culture is deeply rooted with mystical beliefs and as religious as we tend to be, ghost stories seem to intertwine with our faith for countless years. Personally, I believe in Asian ghosts more than the western versions. This is probably due to my own family having our fair share of sights into the world of the undead. 

The reason why I chose to talk about this film is because of how disappointed I felt when I watched it. Unlike most Malaysian films, it had the potential to be a great one. The look of the film was far better than the usual ones we got and the story building had a Gone Girl vibe. What made me disappointed was the fact that while watching that film I was hopeful and excited thinking finally a Malaysian Filmmaker is making a psychological horror instead of those in your face jump scares. 

The story is about a married couple, Jefri and Dilaila, who were spending their holiday together at a luxury vacation home in Fraser’s Hill. After a petty issue where they end up quarrelling at each other, Jefri discovers his wife went missing the following morning. Next thing he knows, a mysterious woman who also goes by the name of Dilaila shows up one night where she claims to be his wife. Adding more confusion is the supernatural occurrences that regularly haunts Jefri whenever he’s alone in the house.

Throughout the whole film, I was at the edge of my seat thinking that there’s finally a malaysian filmmaker that is about to introduce a character with a mental illness as the protagonist which would’ve justified his hallucinations of the ghost. Unfortunately, it was just like other films where there’s no actual context to the sightings, they were just ghosts being ghosts and haunting him for no reason. Well that’s for the 2nd version of the film.

Another fun fact about this film is that it went viral due to the alternate endings it has. When the film came out in the cinemas, people were surprised to hear that they had different endings when they discussed it with their friends. This was purely the filmmaker and his team’s intention. Different halls have different endings and this was meant to be a surprise for the audiences. It was a great marketing strategy and considered as a genius way of thinking for some people while some were mad that they were being ripped off. 

*SPOILERS AHEAD*

As a person that watched both versions, I was unsatisfied with both versions as both endings angered me. Nevertheless, I didn’t think it’s an absolute flop though. Both versions have the fair share of plot twists. The first version revealed that the protagonist we thought all along was the actual antagonist. He was the one that killed his own wife whilst every supporting character was a part of the police team that were acting to make him confess to his wrong doings. It was then stated that the hallucinations he got was a result of his guilt and him being under the influence of drugs all along.

The second version on the other hand is more mystical. The ghosts made more appearances in this version. The protagonist is still the good guy but the inspector that was involved in the case turned out to be a fake policeman and he was working with the imposter Dilaila. Towards the end, Jef found out that his wife has been dead a long time ago and the ‘wife’ he was holding turns out to be something else (this we never see on screen though). 

Personally if i were to choose an ending, I would choose the 1st version as it makes more sense logically but I can understand why people love the 2nd Version.  Malaysians and their thirst for horror films explains the statistics. But a famous film reviewer on YouTube (ZhafVlogs) once made an instagram poll and asked his subscribers to choose between the two versions and surprisingly it was a tie. This proves that the director made the right decision to come up with alternate endings. 

*END OF SPOILERS*

The film then landed in a controversy within the next few weeks after the premiere. Someone noticed that the story was awfully familiar. It was then proven that the story was 90% similar to a few films from India, America, Russia and more. People were comparing it to a film called “Vanishing Act” and they were right. 

As a film student, I am aware about the concept of adaptation so I personally see no wrong in the filmmaker’s act. However, I can understand why people are mad. The filmmaker went silent once news got out about him “stealing” the idea and “claiming” the story as his. But based on my research, I never found him claiming the story as his before. Although, he also never mentioned about him making a remake of the initial film as well. The filmmaker went silent for a long time and people kept sending him hate comments but soon died after a few months. 

A year later, the issue was raised yet again by someone and this caused the filmmaker to finally speak up. He explains the concept of adaptation and how he was inspired by a scriptwriting book called Save The Cat which said that “A good artist copy, but a great artist steals”. He also states about there being so many films abroad that have the similar concept to an older film such as Fast and Furious with Point Break, Avatar with Pocahontas and Inception with Paprika. He finally came clean and stated that he was inspired by a stage play from France called “A Trap for a Lonely Man”. He then added his own twist by adding some horror elements knowing that it being the target audience favourite genre.

Also regarding the quote from Save The Cat, (in my opinion) I feel like what the author was implying is about ‘stealing’ stories from life. Not stealing the exact plot codes from other films. This is based on my understanding from the phrase which I assume Syafiq may have misinterpreted it.

He raised logical points from a filmmaker’s perspective and he also raised some issues about being pressured from his father (Yusof Haslam) and brother (Syamsul Yusof) who were well known filmmakers as well. He said that everyone kept on telling him to be better than his father and brother. Sadly, when he was at his lowest, even his family turned their backs on him and said that it’s fully his fault. 

From my point of view, I was initially furious with him for not being able to defend himself by explaining about the adaptation because I feel like most Malaysian audiences are unaware about it. People assume adaptation is from book to film when it's more than that. I, myself, learnt that from film school. And I’m not entirely defending him as well, I’m still disappointed in him for not speaking up sooner. But I do empathise with him as well. The audience were quick to attack him. The film industry in Malaysia is not entirely in the best state for these past few years. So a film like Misteri Dilaila made everyone hopeful for more quality films like it only to be betrayed at the end when they found out that it wasn’t his own creative idea and a total rip off. I still feel like he did a good job with his visuals which was an improvement from the local films around that time.

Reading through the whole issue and looking at how this decision to “copy” the plot codes as he was inspired from the Save The Cat book has opened my eyes. As a filmmaker, I feel like i should always do research before starting on a project and the best thing is to always be honest with our intentions. If it’s inspired by a remake, then set it straight and give credit to the original piece. Don’t keep it to yourself. It is terrifying though, being in his state where everyone turned their backs on him, even his own family. He released a few films after that, saying that film is his job and that it is his source of income so as much as it may seem hard sometimes, life still goes on. Sadly, he received a lot of backlash and people lost their faith in him. People were being sarcastic and teasing him if the film was even his.Seeing that happened to him opened my eyes. People may let it slide but they’ll never forget. Once you screw up, people will remember and use it against you. 

Pictures of the set:

Links to Film Reviews:

A Non-Horror Fan's Guide To Watching 'Misteri Dilaila'

https://rojakdaily.com/entertainment/article/6414/a-non-horror-fan-s-guide-to-watching-misteri-dilaila

Misteri Dilaila (2019) Review

https://www.caseymoviemania.com/2019/02/misteri-dilaila-2019-review/

Movie review: Misteri Dilaila

https://www.thesundaily.my/style-life/reviews/movie-review-misteri-dilaila-DJ649603

Link to news about the controversy :

Is Local Horror Film ‘Misteri Dilaila’ a Rip Off? Here’s What The Director Had To Say..

https://juiceonline.com/is-local-horror-film-misteri-dilaila-a-rip-off-heres-what-the-director-had-to-say/

Horror fans slam ‘Misteri Dilaila’ for ripping off Hollywood film ‘Vanishing Act’

https://www.malaymail.com/news/showbiz/2019/03/05/horror-fans-slam-misteri-dilaila-for-ripping-off-hollywood-film-vanishing-a/1729154

Clarification/Statement by the Director about the issue (in Malay);

https://www.facebook.com/photo?fbid=649749852534594&set=pcb.649750949201151

[marinaaniseed]

Dark ‘n’ Stormy Pt. 1

Christ on a bike, this took me forever to type up from the handwritten scribbles I created on honeymoon.

A/N: Here are a bunch of caveats and notes:

- I haven’t watched all of the MCU films. Hell, I haven’t seen all of the Thor films.

- I’ve never read the comics.

- Based on the above two points, I may well miss things that are obvious & canon. My bad.

- I haven’t written outside of work for yonks, so this is going to be rusty.

- I haven’t written fanfic for around 15 years, and I’ve certainly never published any. It took a lot of getting out of my own head to get to this point.

- I have no idea how I should label this according to fic conventions.

- I wrote a lot of this while drinking, so let’s assume my tenses are all over the place and I’ve typo’d everything.

- In my head, Thor is hairier and squishier than in Endgame.

- Endgame spoilers (I assume).

- This is almost 7,000 words long and almost nothing sexy happens. Stick with it, I’ll write that bit next.

- If you’re under 18 and have somehow found this, I’m obliged to tell you not to read this. That being said, I know what I got up to as a teenager, so on your head so be it.

- I know that some people don’t like Thor being insecure about his squishiness, I can understand that. This Thor, my version of Thor, is because that is how my squishy husband was when we first got together. It took time for him to become more confident in his body and accept that I’m attracted to him because of his body, not in spite of it.

- Written from a female POV because hey, write what you know. In the same vein, there will be hints of bisexuality and discussions of mental health.

*****

You were bored with walking down the desolate road. Sure, the emptiness was part of what made Norway beautiful, but as someone trying to hitch a lift, you could do with a bit more traffic. If you didn’t find accommodation soon, it would be a rough night.

You’d left Oslo that morning. Picked a direction and started walking, hitching a ride as you could. The last guy had dropped you at the clubhouse of his motorcycle club. Nobody knew of any jobs for you, so you carried on walking with your thumb out, hoping to attract a lift. The job was less important at this point, you needed somewhere to sleep - preferably not under your bivvy.

After a further half an hour, you heard a vehicle slowing down behind you. As you turned, you saw it was a lorry from the Ægir Microbrewery. That was good. You walked round to the driver’s window and found an attractive woman sticking her head out to look down at you. Beer and a hot woman. She must be driving somewhere fun.

“Where are you heading?” she asked.

“I don’t mind. Where are you going?”

“New Asgard.”

“Works for me.”

You clamber into the cab, the woman taking your backpack and putting it behind your seat.

“Thanks. I’m y/n,” you said as the lorry began to move again.

“Brunnhilde.”

“Are you an Asgardian?”

“I’m a Valkyrie.”

“Oh ok. Wow,” you paused, trying to take in this information. “If you don’t mind me asking, why the lorry? Don’t you have magic and stuff that you could use?”

“The Norwegians prefer it if we use your technology. Winged horses and aeroplanes are a bad combo. The beer is because we can’t brew enough for our king.”

Aha. Thor. Of course, you have heard of him and how he had established New Asgard in Norway. It had been an international relations minefield but Norway had ceded the land in exchange for some ‘help’.

“You’re not Norwegian,” the Valkyrie said after a while. “I can tell by the way you talk. What brought you out here, searching for a lift?”

“Ah,” you smiled. The eternal question. “I’ve been travelling around, doing odd jobs since the snap. Trying to see the world in case it just disappears one day I spent the last month working in a bar in Oslo. I left because the landlord tried it on with me. I doubt New Asgard will have any jobs for a mere mortal like me, so I’ll stay the night and try again in the morning. What currency do you use in New Asgard?”

The Valkyrie doesn’t respond immediately but you can tell she’s thinking.

“I have a job for you,” she said eventually. “Our king isn’t quite who he used to be, these last few years have been especially hard on him. I’m largely in charge of rebuilding. Until things change, one way or another. There’s a little hut by the docks you can stay in and in exchange you can clean his house and cook for him. Sound fair?”

“Sounds very fair but...why me?”

“Thor doesn’t like what he’s become, doesn’t want his people to see him this way. He only sees me because I bring him beer. But he might be more tolerant of a Midgardian. He’s always had a soft spot for your people.”

The rest of the journey takes just under an hour and you pass the sign welcoming you to New Asgard as the sun is setting.

Brunnhilde stops at the hut.

“This is it. Don’t worry about a key. Nobody locks their doors here.”

You climb down slowly with your rucksack and push open the wooden door. It’s sparse but it’s better than the alternative. You shrug off your bag and leave it next to the bed before returning to the lorry.

You’re driven up the hill to the furthest cabin. It’s a little bigger than the others but gives no hint that the occupant is royalty.

“Let me get the beer in before I introduce you,” Brunnhilde advises.

You watch her as she ferries full cases to the house and empties to the lorry. You begin to nap when she taps on the window to get your attention. You’ve never met royalty, let alone a god before. How are you supposed to act? Do you curtsey?

“I’ve brought you a visitor,” says Brunnhilde as she crosses the threshold before you.

“Are they here about the cable?” comes the reply.

“No. This is y/n. She’s going to look after your house. Cook, clean, that kind of thing,” she gestures as you step to stand next to her.

Thor is not how you imagined. He’s better. He’s soft, round, hairy. He needs a wash, you can smell him here, but he looks comfortable. Comforting.

He finally pauses his game and lets out a startled yelp when he sees you, grabbing a cushion to hide his torso before scurrying into the next room. When he returns, his face is flushed, trying to hide under his hoodie.

“Apologies,  y/n. I wasn’t expecting such beautiful company. Valkyrie, no, I don’t need help. I don’t want help. I want to be left alone.”

“Thor, she has nowhere else to go. I’ve let her stay in the hut by the docks. Let her work for a week and if you’re still sure, I’ll take her back when I next get supplies. Or, perhaps I will find my own use for her,” she winks, groping your arse slightly.

You blush a little, then a lot at the thought of having sex with a Valkyrie. Thor mumbles his assent and you hear his stomach grumble from beneath his hoodie.

“Perhaps I could start by making dinner...my...lord?”

“Thor. I’m not worthy of that title, so just call me Thor.”

Valkyrie rolls her eyes but answers for him. “Yes, dinner would be good. Please cook for all three of us, I’d like to sample some Midgardian cooking.”

No pressure, you thought to yourself as you stepped through detritus to get to the kitchen. This was not going to be easy.

The floor looked good in comparison to the state of the kitchen surfaces.

“Umm…” you said, pausing to survey the devastation. Broken glass, mouldy mugs, and who knows what else. You heard Valkyrie stand behind you.

“This is worse than last time, Thor,” she said softly. “I will order some of that pizza you love and myself and y/n will go to Tønsberg to pick up some supplies so that she stands half a chance tomorrow.”

You smiled sheepishly at the blushing god as you made your way carefully out of the cabin.

***

The next morning, you woke up early. You wanted to make a solid start on Thor’s home before he woke up in the hope that he’d see your worth and prolong your stay in New Asgard.

In the cold light of day, the cabin looked even worse than it had the night before. Valkyrie had put the food away but the cleaning supplies were in bags by the door.

It was overwhelming to look at, no wonder Thor hadn’t touched it. You knew a fellow depressive when you saw one. Cleaning your own stuff was always a chore. Cleaning other people’s was much easier - you didn’t have the shame or guilt.

You could hear Thor’s thunderous snores coming from the bedroom. That would be the last job. The most intimate room.

To stop yourself from becoming overwhelmed, you opened a cleaning app to work through the tasks. One thing at a time. You couldn’t let it get to you. This man, god, whatever. He needed help. f

Thor eventually appeared around noon, shuffling over to the fridge to grab a beer before slumping onto the settee with his games controller. It was always sad to see a person like this, you thought, as you took your tablet with a sip of water. But you knew what it was like to be that person, too.

“Good afternoon,” you smiled, placing a cup of coffee next to Thor. He mumbled his thanks, eyes not leaving the screen as you retreated to the kitchen to make him some brunch.

He seemed to approve of the stack of pancakes you’d made, drenched in syrup and topped with streaky bacon.

“ y/n, that was delicious. May I have another plate, please?” he mumbled to his chest. It was curious how he mumbled when he spoke to you. He was certainly not quiet when he spoke to his gaming friends online.

“I’m glad you enjoyed it. Of course, you may have more, you only have to ask.”

You assumed as king he would be used to asking for things but this king seemed shy. No, not shy. That wasn’t quite right. Anxious. A feeling you knew all too well. He was on edge, you could understand why. You’d seen the news, you knew enough of the past few years to empathise with him.

After you handed him the second plate of pancakes, the rest of the day was spent pottering around - cleaning, tidying, and handing Thor beer when you could see him getting low. Glasses of water and cups of coffee kept them company, but he preferred the beer. You’d occasionally find him shuffling into the kitchen, looking for snacks, gently reminding him to call for you when he needed something.

You washed up after dinner - 7oz Fillet steak with triple-cooked chips, homemade onion rings and a thyme-roasted tomato - and bid him goodnight. The cabin was by no means clean but it was a start.

“Thank you y/n. This is much better. I’m sorry I couldn’t, I’m sorry I let it get so bad.”

“It’s ok Thor, I understand.” You desperately wanted to hug him but that didn’t seem appropriate. “Is there anything you’d like me to do differently tomorrow?”

“I like Pop-Tarts for breakfast.”

***

Over the course of the week, you developed an easy routine. You came to know when Thor needed to be fed and watered before he knew it himself. He was eating a little better now you were cooking for him, although you had to up your portion sizes. You’d been surprised, wandering around the supermarket with the Valkyrie just how much food she’d piled in. Surely it would go out of date before you used half of it? Apparently not.

The cabin was much tidier now and it was easier to manage. You could just clean after the god rather than trying to fight with the whole house. You had time to observe him, to try to understand the powerful yet damaged man.

You’d grown to like Korg and Miek, too. They’d been a shock when you first met them, causing you to drop Thor’s coffee on the floor. Thor had laughed at the blaspheming, cursing litany you’d let out before you switched to apologies. For a split second, he’d wondered if you had such a filthy mouth in bed, before quashing that thought. You wouldn’t want him, certainly not like this.

“y/n, these are my friends, Korg and Miek,” he said once you regain your composure. “Korg, Miek - this is my friend,  y/n. She is from Midgard.”

You exchanged embarrassed pleasantries, pleased that Thor had introduced you as a friend.

After returning with enough coffee for everyone (you hadn’t thought to ask if Thor’s alien friends drank coffee) you set about mopping up the mess you made. Thor could feel himself staring at your arse as you knelt down with towels, so ripe and round and peachy. Oh Norns, what he would do to feel it in his hand.

***

While you could wrap your head around Korg and Miek, explaining from your hut via Skype to your family and friends was another matter. You were vaguely in contact but it was unsettling. For five years you had thought they were dead. You had grieved for them, let go. Having them back was too odd. Skype was as much as you could cope with. You kept your location vague-ish, for fear they would turn up and force you to face everything. There were loose assurances, lies (to yourself or to them?) that you were fine. That you would be home soon.

Home. What even was that anymore? The one person you wanted back couldn’t be brought home. They weren’t dusted, but they’d died as a result of the snap nonetheless. At least Alex had a body you could hold a funeral for. A body, ironically, turned to dust at the cremation.

C’mon brain, not now. You began listening to a meditation on Headspace, hoping to find some sleep.

***

It had been a week and you were sad at the prospect of leaving. Although, there was still the possibility that the Valkyrie would take you in.

You heard her before you saw her.

“Is this even the same place?” you heard her exclaim. You stuck your head around from the kitchen where you were making a fresh cafetière of coffee.

“Would you like some?” you asked, waving a cup.

“No, thank you. I’m off to get supplies and wondered if I was taking you with me?” She looked at Thor but he was engrossed in his game. “Thor!”

He jumped, turning towards her. “What?”

“Are you keeping y/n or not? It’s been a week.”

“Oh,” he blushed. “I’d like that very much. If she’d like to stay?”

You nodded your head as you set the coffee down next to him.

“Excellent,” he roared, standing beer in hand and pulling you into a sweaty bear hug. He’d remained covered up in front of you since that first day, but you could feel his softness and warmth. You were both rosy-cheeked when you parted.

“Forgive me,  y/n. I forgot myself,” he said looking down.

“That’s ok, I should be getting back to work,” you said, hurrying into the bedroom to gather his laundry

“Fine, but I may still want you for some work of my own,” the Valkyrie said with a wink as she turned and left the cabin.

***

That afternoon, having washed up after lunch, you realised there was nothing that needed doing. It was too early to begin preparing dinner, so you wandered over to Thor with a beer.

“I’ve done everything that’s immediately obvious, is there anything I can help you with?”

Thor studied you with his odd-coloured eyes. “Korg and Miek aren’t here, so perhaps you’d like to grab a beer and play with me?”

You failed to suppress a giggle at that last part and Thor looked mortified.

“It’s ok, I understood what you meant,” rubbing his arm in reassurance before turning to grab a drink of your own.

With your back against the cushion, your feet don’t touch the floor, so you kick off your shoes and sit cross-legged.

“I hope this is ok?” you asked, as Thor handed you a controller.

“Certainly,  y/n.”

You sit staring into those eyes, amber and aquamarine, a beguiling combination.

“What? What is it?”

“Oh! Sorry, I didn’t mean to stare,” you could feel your cheeks burning as you took a large swig of your beer. “It’s just I’ve never met someone with heterochromia before.”

Thor tipped his head to the side, confusion written over his soft, hairy face. One you’d quite like to sit on if you thought about it.

“Heterochromia...your eyes are two different colours?”

“Oh, that,” he said, running a finger over his scar. “That’s a more recent addition. My sister stabbed me in the eye.”

You’re frozen. Eyes wide and beer halfway to your mouth. What can you say to that?

“A kind rabbit gave me this one,” he says, pointing to the amber one. “Before that, I wore an eyepatch, just like my father,”

You can tell by the way he says this, that his father is gone, in a pre-snap kind of way.

“So, it’s like a glass eye? Like a fake?” you asked, confused as to how a rabbit could give him a false eye. Maybe it was an alien space rabbit?

“No, no. I can see through it.”

You’re puzzled but decide against further questions. A lot of weird shit has happened over the past five years, ignorance is often easier.

“Will you show me how to play this game?”

“Certainly,” he says, taking your hands in his to explain the controls. Despite their size, they are gentle, pressing your digits into the control pad as he explains the mechanisms.

***

After a couple of hours and a couple of beers, you’re starting to get the hang of Fortnite, although you’re nowhere near as good as Thor.

“y/n, may I ask you a question?” he asked as you return from a bathroom break.

“Sure, what is it?” you say, returning to your cross-legged position.

“What is that tablet you take every day? Are you ill?”

“Aha, you’re more observant than I realised. That’s citalopram. An antidepressant. It helps me to feel less sad,” you say, explaining until you see a spark of recognition.

“I’m sorry,  y/n, was it the snap?” he asks, terrified that he is responsible for your sadness because he didn’t go for the head.

“Yes and no,” you shrugged. “I took tablets before, the snap made it worse.” You can see he doesn’t quite understand, so you take another large gulp of beer. “You know how without the beer, you feel an emptiness, an abyss? That nothing will make you happy again? Feel anything again? Or you do feel things but they’re the wrong things? Inappropriate. Like, you cry uncontrollably at something happy but you feel nothing at a friend’s funeral? Or it’s just sadness, anger, frustration. Hating yourself, hiding away, avoiding mirrors so that you can’t see the awfulness that’s you? Well, this is like the beer for me. All the bad stuff is still there but it takes the edge off enough for me to function. Proper therapy would help but there are not enough counsellors in the world to undo the damage caused by the snap, let alone the damage done before it.”

Thor is lost for words. He can’t understand how the Norns could let someone so beautiful feel so much pain. He wants to hold you, to kiss and caress away as much of your sadness as he can. But he doesn’t want to scare you or make you feel duty-bound to respond. He lays a calloused hand gently over yours, tilting your chin up with the other to meet his gaze. He can see that you’ve lost a lot but doesn’t dare to pry. It’s not his place and he doesn’t want to open those wounds.

“y/n, you are so strong and beautiful. You could’ve been a Valkyrie, I don’t know how you do it. You’re far stronger than I am.”

“Ah Thor, I appreciate the flattery, even if it’s the beer talking. I’m not stronger than you, the pain just weighs on us differently.”

“It’s not the beer, I mean it. You understood completely as though you could see inside of me. Tell me, do you think those tablets could help me?”

“I’m not sure how an Asgardian would react to our medicine,” you say with a frown. “Surely there are healers you could talk to?” The look on Thor’s face suggests that they are only really concerned with the physical rather than the mental. “There is something that might help.” His eyes brighten and there’s a hint of a smile at this. “We have a concept called self-care, it might make things seem a little better.”

“How does it work, y/n?”

“It’s about being loving and caring to yourself. Nurturing and nourishing all of yourself and accepting that you are worthy of love and care. Imagine the things you would do if someone you loved was distressed, except that person is you.”

Thor doesn’t look at all sure about this. Sure, he’s still worthy of wielding Mjölnir but that’s about it.

“Let me help, if you’re willing to try?”

Thor nodded slowly, hair falling in front of his face.

“Ok good, wait here.”

***

You go to the bathroom and began to fill the enormous tub, before rummaging through the cupboards and drawers. A bathroom this big and belonging to a king must’ve had some toiletries, you reasoned. Eventually, you found them, caked in dust. In the beginning, he must’ve still cared, or someone cared enough to bring them to him. Oakwood absolute and golden apple-scented -  a pleasant mix. You weren’t sure how much to use, so the result was a thick, foamy layer, like the head on a cappuccino or a bath in an old Hollywood movie.

“Hey Thor, come in here,” you shouted.

“It’s...a bath,” he said once he’d padded into the room.

“Yes. I find a bath with some pleasant bubbles and things helps me to relax and I always feel better after washing my hair. I thought it might help you too? You can drink your beer in the bath if you like.”

Thor stands there fiddling with his sleeves, shifting his weight from side to side.

“I’ll just go and leave you to it then,” you offered.

“No,no...I’m just not sure about this.”

“Ok, suit yourself. I’m not letting this go to waste,” you said, turning and removing your top. It was partly the beer and partly you wanted to see how he’d react. What way did he mean it when he called you beautiful?

You leave your clothes in a neat pile and climb in, hearing Thor pacing and mumbling in the background.

“Uh, naked...very naked,” he muttered, turning his back and casting his eyes to the ceiling. Of course, he’d seen naked women before, but this was different, you were different. And most importantly, he was different. He didn’t have his chiselled body anymore, didn’t know how to seduce people with this one. After a few minutes of silence, he turns to make sure you haven’t drowned. Only your head is visible above the bubbles, resting against the side of the tub, eyes shut, seemingly dead to the world. He moves towards you cautiously and when you don’t stir, he decides it might be safe. He undresses with his back to you, just to be sure, and climbs in gingerly.

You had no idea a man of his size could be so stealthy. The rising water level was the only clue that you had company. He’s facing away from you, but it’s a start.

“Thank you for joining me,” you said, running your hands across his broad, scarred shoulders. “May I wash your hair for you, please?”

He’s torn. On the one hand, he wants you to touch him and he used to love how soft his hair felt. On the other, he’s deeply ashamed of the matted mess he’s let it become. He only relents because you’ve asked politely, so he leans back until his hair is under the water.

You’re ready with a golden hairbrush when he sits up. Detangling the blonde mane is slow going, you’re constantly muttering apologies to Thor as you accidentally tug on the tightly entwined strands. He doesn’t seem to notice, and in the grand scheme of things, this probably isn’t that painful to him, you reason, but you still feel bad that you might be hurting him.

Eventually, you get to a point where you can run the brush through the length of his hair without it snagging. You empty a sizable amount of apple shampoo into your palms, massaging it slowly into his scalp, working in small, light circles, before moving down to the main body of his hair.

“Mmm,” he sighed as you brush against his neck.

“Ok, lie back, let me wash this out.”

He obeys and you continue to massage, making sure all of the shampoo is gone. You then repeat the process with his beard before moving onto the conditioner. You work this through, slowly, ensuring that everything is nourished, paying particular attention to the ends before brushing it through, just to be sure. You had no idea if this was how you were supposed to look after a beard but you figured you couldn’t make it any worse, so you worked the conditioner through his facial hair too.

“I’m going to leave this in for a bit, so no need to lie back unless you want to.”

You remembered how Thor had enjoyed your head massage, so you decided to take a punt. You moved your hands to his shoulders and started to knead the knots, His shoulders seemed to be hewn from stone but you persisted, eventually making headway.

“Oh, y/n, you are very good with your hands,” Thor purred as he relaxed more.

You raised an eyebrow but kept your smutty comment to yourself. You didn’t want to scare him off now that he was becoming more welcoming to your touch.

As you continued to work out his knots, Thor slowly sank back into you. You moved up to his neck and ears, rubbing and lightly tugging on his lobes.

He loved the way you were touching him. It had been so long since anyone had touched him with such care. He could feel himself melting back into your breasts, you were a lovely pillow indeed.

As he relaxed further into your chest, you decided to be a little bolder. Your hands slipped forward onto his chest, running your fingers through the hair and pressing lightly into the soft flesh until you reach his nipples. At first, you opt for a feather-light brush that causes Thor to gasp, before flicking and squeezing them, steadily increasing the intensity before switching to twisting them.

Thor leans even further into you, obscene, incoherent moans coming from between his plump parted lips. He can feel himself getting hard, something he’s not felt for a long time, bar the inconvenience of morning wood. His hand moves down, partly to stimulate and partly to clean. If this is going to happen, the least he can do is ensure he’s hygienic for you.

And then it happens.

A hand slides down to caress his rounded, hairy stomach. The panic is immediate. He jerks away, remembering how he looks, how he feels. That keg of lard strapped to his front. Water cascades over the floor as he fumbles to get away, grabbing clothes and towels, cursing as he goes.

It’s all such a shock, you forget to check out his arse as he scurries away.

Well, fuck, you think.

You wait until you can hear the familiar sounds of Fortnite coming from the front room.

Your clothes were sodden from Thor’s sudden exit. You hang them to dry on the rack above the tub, dry yourself and mop the floor before returning to face the god swaddled in his soft towel, feeling a lot more precarious about your future in New Asgard than you had a couple of hours ago.

“I’m sorry, Thor. I shouldn’t have done that, I went too far,” you say, standing in the doorway.

“It is I who should be apologising to you,” he said, pausing his game to turn to you. He was glad you’d reappeared but now that you were here, he didn’t know what to say. He wanted you to keep touching him like you were but he was scared he wasn’t good enough for you. How could he be?

“It’s ok, I understand that you don’t want to be touched like that.”

You were wrong but he couldn’t tell you. His heart was breaking as he looked at you, so sad, soft and ashamed, the giant towel swamping your frame.

“What happened to your clothes,  y/n?”

“They’re, um, drying,” you said, blushing. Your earlier bravado was gone and you were left trying to hide, to get away from the beautiful god in front of you.

“Oh gods, I’m sorry,” he replied, his blush matching yours. “Please help yourself to my clothes, I don’t want you to catch a cold.”

You shuffled awkwardly to his room, glad to escape his gaze for a few minutes. You found a clean grey hoodie and threw it on, wearing it like a dress. When you returned, Thor had started a fire and placed your clothes in front of it to dry.

He couldn't believe how delicate you looked in his hoodie, like a tiny ceramic doll he was scared to touch.

“That looks warmer,” he said as you walked past him to return the towel to the bathroom, his gaze lingering on your bare legs, imagining them wrapped around his neck as his licked you with love.

“I didn’t finish your hair,” you said, waving the brush as you came back. Thor grabbed a beanbag and flopped down in front of the settee his the controller and his beer.

“Thank you,” you smiled, relieved that some of the tension had dissipated and he was allowing you to touch him again. The conditioner was still in his hair but you figured it wouldn’t make much difference after all the crud that had been in it before. You brushed gently, working your way through the knots, pleased to see you weren’t pulling as much as earlier. Thor was content to game and drink, so you braid his hair, tying the ends into a knot. It had been a while since you’d played with someone’s hair. As you admire your handiwork, you realised Thor wasn’t engrossed in his game as you thought.

“I think you should do the same to my beard,” he said, tipping his head back to look at you.

You smiled, pleased to have a reason to continue touching him. You cupped a hand beneath his head, gently tipping it forward so he could continue his game while you braid his beard.

When you were done, he slowly padded to the bathroom. Leaning over, you could see him examining your work in the mirror. It had been so long since he’d looked, really looked at himself in the mirror. He looked away as he began to feel his cheeks burning with shame beneath their downy fuzz.

“I’m sorry it’s not very good,” you called, anxious of his reaction.

“No, no. It’s lovely. I wore my beard like this during...during my last battle,” he says, tugging at the thick braid to distract himself from the memory.

“I should probably start dinner,” you said, rising from the settee to start chopping veg.

“No, y/n. You’ve done so much today, let me order pizza. My treat.”

You watch him play with his 3310, scrolling and punching until he finds the number he wants. You’ve not seen an ancient Nokia like that for years.

“Dominos. Hey, it’s Thor again. You know, the god of thunder? Listen, buddy - could you do me the usual but with one extra, please? Any flavour, I don’t mind. Thanks.”

You’ve no idea what he’s ordered since he never asked what you fancied. Although if he’d phrased it like that, you would’ve replied that he was what you fancied.

“Why do you have such an old phone, Thor?” you asked as he handed you another drink, his other hand gently pressing the small of your back to guide you back to the settee.

“I kept breaking the new ones. I’m too rough when I touch them.”

I bet you are, you though. You’d seen him furiously mash the buttons on his controller and wondered how it would feel if he mashed your button. You shrank further into the hoodie to hide your blush.

“Oh, y/n are you cold? Here, let me,” he said, taking the fluffy throw from the armchair and tucking you underneath it.

“Perhaps you could offer some more heat?” you ventured, emboldened by the new beer and gently patting the space next to you. He acquiesced, letting his still muscular arm drop behind your head, allowing you to lean into him a little.

“You know, we have another concept that may make you feel better,” as much to his chest as to him.

“What is that?”

“Skin hunger. Science shows that people who experience the touch of another less often are less happy. Perhaps we could recreate the hug from this morning?”

“I did enjoy that,” Thor concedes, wrapping his arms around you, pinning your arms to your sides. You were right, he was hungry for this. Hungrier still to see you without any clothes on. He regretted not looking at you earlier but he’d liked what he’d felt under the bath bubbles. He looks down to see you meeting his gaze, melting before him. He inches closer to your lips.

Bang, bang, bang.

You jump away from him as the delivery driver pounds the door. Thor heaves himself up, cursing that this is the one time they’ve ever arrived so quickly.

You’re startled when Thor turns around with six boxes in his arms.

“Fucking hell, Thor! Why did you order so much?”

“The Norwegians have a party deal, five pizzas for a set price. I got an extra one for you.”

You don’t have the heart to tell him that sharing one pizza with him would have sufficed. You look at the boxes and see that Thor is waiting for you to choose: Pepperoni Passion, Deluxe, Veggie Supreme, Hot & Spicy, Extravaganzza, and Mighty Meaty. Heh, Mighty Meaty. That’s Thor alright, mighty and meaty. You pick your favourite and take a slice, small dainty bites compared to Thor almost inhaling the one he’s already demolishing.

“Mind if I turn the telly on?” you ask, wanting a distraction from Thor so you don’t watch in awe at his apparently insatiable appetite. You liked seeing him enjoying his food, a little jealous that he didn’t eat the food you made him this way. You don’t want him to think you’re judging him, you’ve already upset him once today.

“Mmm,” he says through a mouthful, handing you the remote. The cross-country skiing is on. That’ll do, you thought.

“You’d be good at that,” you said nudging Thor. “Yes, you would! You’ve got big, strong legs to power you along.”

“Big,” he sighs. “I’m just big.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that. Everyone has bits of themselves they don’t like, Thor.”

“Even you?” he asked, disbelieving.

“Yes, of course,” you laugh. “The trick is to focus on the bits you do like.”

He can’t figure out why someone as beautiful as you would dislike any of your body. It looked pretty perfect from what he’d seen so far.

“And which bits do you like?”

“My favourite is my hands. I like how strong my nails grow, the shape of them. I like how useful my hands are, what I can do with them. I enjoy touching things with them, discovering pleasant textures. I think touch is my favourite of my senses.”

“I like your hands too. I like what you did with them earlier,” he says with what he hopes is a flirty smile. It’s been so long, is that even how you do it?

“Well, I only got your top half earlier, would you like a foot rub?”

“That sounds very pleasant but you haven't finished your dinner,” he says, frowning at the box you chose where over half the pizza remains.

“It’s lovely Thor, thank you. I guess I just don’t like food as much as you do. But I’ll have one more slice, for you.”

This pleases him and he returns to chewing his way through the meaty, cheesy feast.

Once you've collected what you need from the bathroom, you sit down on the rug in front of him.

“You know what they say about men with big feet,” you accidentally muse aloud as you remove his feet from his Crocs and guide them to a bowl of warm, sudsy water.

“What do they say?” a worried voice asked from above you.

“Oh! That they have...big socks.”

“Ah yes, of course,” he laughs, missing the innuendo but the obvious answer tickles him still, causing his soft stomach to wobble.

“I’m going to leave your feet to soak, give me your hand.”

He cautiously extends the one not holding a slice and you wipe away the grease and sauce with a flannel soaked in the bowl, before moving to trim his nails. You file them down and work the dirt out from underneath them.

“Other hands, please,” you say when you’re done.

“But...pizza.”

“So, use your other hand.”

“But you just cleaned it.”

“Yes, but when you’re done you can wash your hands. Honestly, Thor, you’re drunk. Not stupid,” you say with a smile as he transfers the slice to his other hand.

With both hands done, you move to his feet and dry them on the bottom of the hoodie you borrowed. His toenails get the same treatment as his fingernails before you move onto his feet. You apply a little of the oakwood perfumed oil you found and take one foot in hand. The soak has softened his skin a bit but you make a mental note to get some pumice next time you visit Tønsberg. Using your thumbs you stroke firmly, from his toes up to his ankle. You repeat this until you feel the tension begin to leave his foot. Next, you cup his heel, sliding your index finger between his toes, before moving onto the sole of his foot. You focus on the pressure points of his arches, kneading him like a cat making its bed. He’s making noises similar to the ones he made in the bath when you stroked his nipples. Another erogenous zone to remember for the future. You spend longer than you usually would on this part, relishing his sighs and moans, before moving to the other foot. By the time you’re done, he’s a blissed-out mess, unable to focus on the telly or move to grab his beer. You go to the kitchen to wash the oil from your hands and decide to fix him an indulgent drink.

You find the largest mug and make him a hot chocolate, adding a generous slug of mead because it’s been a good day, before topping it with whipped cream, marshmallows and chocolate sprinkles.

He’s managed to sit up a bit, so you hand it straight to him. He takes a sip, gasping as the mead hits him.

“I would never have thought to add mead. This drink - I like it!”

“I’m glad,” you say. “Thank you for a fun day, Thor.”

“No, thank you, y/n. The pleasure was all mine. Thank you for your patience and understanding, it’s appreciated.”

“Well, I hope I helped,” you say, moving to touch your clothes. “These are dry enough. I’ll just get changed and head home.”

You’ve barely shut Thor’s bedroom door when you hear an almighty crash of thunder directly overhead before the deafening deluge of rain hits the roof. You can’t walk home in this, you didn’t bring an umbrella.

Thor knocks on the door and sticks his head in,

“Given the weather, perhaps you’d like to stay here, y/n?” he suggests, one hand on the doorframe, the other gesturing to his modest bedroom.

You nod and leave your pile of clothes on top of his drawers, content to sleep in his hoodie You shuffle under the covers and roll into the dip in the middle where Thor usually sleeps. You push yourself to the side away from the window and wait for him. He switches off the light and climbs in on the other side without getting undressed. You go to touch him tentatively but he’s crashed out as soon as his head hits the pillow. Between his snores and the storm, it’s going to be a long night, you realised.

One thing you hadn’t bargained on was the nightmares. After the initial calm, Thor is restless, whimpering in his sleep. You want to help but you don’t know how to. You give up clinging to the edge of the mattress and let yourself roll into the dip in the middle. You hug him as best you can, rubbing his back in reassurance. He quiets slowly until he’s soundly asleep again. This happens throughout the night and each time you hold him until it passes.

***

You’re vaguely aware of dawn breaking, the cockerels crowing around New Asgard. You’re half asleep. The big spoon. A hand stroking something soft and warm. A stomach. Thor’s stomach. This is pleasant, he is as comfortable as he looks, you think, before drifting off again. It’s only when your sleepy hand brushes against Thor’s burgeoning morning wood that he startles awake with a shout, exiting the bed as swiftly as he’d left the bath the day before.

You lie there confused until you realise where you were rubbing.

Damnit.

[arcticdementor]

There’s no nice way to say this: a certain subset of (mostly) white people have lost their minds online. These people wake up to a vast insurrection crossing all racial and national boundaries – and contrive to make this all about themselves. Their affects, their unconsciouses, their moral worthiness. How can I be Not Complicit? How can I be a Better Ally? How do I stop benefiting from white supremacy in my daily life? How do I rid myself of all the bad affects and attitudes? Can I purify my soul in the smelter of a burning police precinct? Occasional ratissages out into mainstream culture (we’re decolonising the Bon Appétit test kitchen!), but mostly what this uprising calls for is an extended bout of navel-gazing. Really get in there, get deep in that clammy lint-filled hole, push one finger into the wound of your separation from the primordial world, and never stop wriggling. Maybe there’s a switch, buried just below the knot, and if you trip it your body will open up like a David Cronenberg nightmare to reveal all its greasy secrets to your eyes. Interrogate yourself! Always yourself, swim deep in the filth of yourself. The world is on fire – but are my hands clean? People are dying – but how can I scrub this ghastly whiteness off my skin?

You could set aside the psychosexual madness of this stuff, maybe, if it actually worked. It does not work. It achieves nothing and helps nobody. Karen and Barbara Fields: ‘Racism is not an emotion or state of mind, such as intolerance, bigotry, hatred, or malevolence. If it were that, it would easily be overwhelmed; most people mean well, most of the time, and in any case are usually busy pursuing other purposes. Racism is first and foremost a social practice.’ Social practices must be confronted on the level of the social. But for people who don’t want to change anything on the level of the social, there’s the Implicit Associations Test. This is the great technological triumph of what passes for anti-racist ideology: sit in front of your computer for a few minutes, click on some buttons, and you can get a number value on exactly how racist you are. Educators and politicians love this thing. Wheel it into offices. Listen up, guys, your boss just wants to take a quick peek into your unconscious mind, just to see how racist you are. How could anyone object to something like that?

…

See, for instance, the form letters: How To Talk To Your Black Friends Right Now. Because I refuse to be told I can’t ever empathise with a black person, I try to imagine what it would be like to receive one of these. Say there’s been a synagogue shooting, or a bunch of swastikas spraypainted in Willesden Jewish Cemetery. Say someone set off a bomb inside Panzer’s in St John’s Wood – and then one of my goy friends sends me something like this:

Hey Sam – I can never understand how you feel right now, but I’m committed to doing the work both personally and in my community to make this world safer for you and for Jewish people everywhere. From the Babylonian Captivity to the Holocaust to today, my people have done reprehensible things to yours – and while my privilege will never let me share your experience, I want you to know that you’re supported right now. I see you. I hear you. I stand with the Jewish community, because you matter. Please give me your PayPal so I can buy you a bagel or some schamltz herring, or some of those little twisty pastries you people like.

How would I respond? I think I would never want to see or hear from this person again. If I saw them in the street, I would spit in their face, covid be damned. I would curse their descendants with an ancient cackling Yiddish curse. These days, I try to choose my actual friends wisely. Most of them tend to engage me with a constant low level of jocular antisemitic micoaggressions, because these things are funny and not particularly serious. But if one of my friends genuinely couldn’t see me past the Jew, and couldn’t see our friendship past the Jewish Question, I would be mortified. Of course, it’s possible that the comparison doesn’t hold. Maybe there are millions of black people I don’t know who love being essentialised and condescended to, who are thrilled by the thought of being nothing more than a shuddering expendable rack for holding up their own skin. But I doubt it. Unless you want me to believe that black people inherently have less dignity than I do, this is an insult.

…

If you want to find the real secret of this stuff, look for the rules, the dos and don’ts, the Guides To Being A Better Ally that blob up everywhere like mushrooms on a rotting bough. You’ve seen them. And you’ve noticed, even if you don’t want to admit it, that these things are always contradictory:

DO the important work of interrogating your own biases and prejudices. DON’T obsess over your white guilt – this isn’t about you! DO use your white privilege as a shield by standing between black folx and the police. DON’T stand at the front of marches – it’s time for you to take a back seat. DO speak out against racism – never expect activists of colour to always perform the emotional labour. DON’T crowd the conversation with your voice – shut up, stay in your lane, and stick to signal boosting melanated voices. DO educate your white community by providing an example of white allyship. DON’T post selfies from a protest – our struggle isn’t a photo-op for riot tourists.

Žižek points out that the language of proverbial wisdom has no content. ‘If one says, “Forget about the afterlife, about the Elsewhere, seize the day, enjoy life fully here and now, it’s the only life you’ve got!” it sounds deep. If one says exactly the opposite (“Do not get trapped in the illusory and vain pleasures of earthly life; money, power, and passions are all destined to vanish into thin air – think about eternity!”), it also sounds deep.’ The same goes here. Whatever you say, it can still sound woke. Why?

…

This stuff is masochism, pleasure-seeking, full of erotic charge – and as Freud saw, the masochist’s desire is always primary and prior; it’s always the submissive partner who’s in charge of any relationship. Masochism is a technology of power. Setting the limits, defining the punishments they’d like to receive, dehumanising and instrumentalising the sadistic partner throughout. The sadist works to humiliate and degrade their partner, to make them feel something – everything for the other! And meanwhile, the masochist luxuriates in their own degradation – everything for myself! You’re just the robotic hand that hits me. When non-white people get involved in these discourses, they’re always at the mercy of their white audiences, the ones for whom they perform, the ones they titillate and entertain. A system for subjecting liberation movements to the fickle desires of the white bourgeoisie. Call it what it is. This is white supremacy; these scolding lists are white supremacist screeds.

But systems of white supremacy have never been in the interests of most whites (‘Labour cannot emancipate itself in the white skin when in the black it is branded’), and they have never really fostered any solidarity between whites. Look at the stories. I had a run-in with the police, you announce, and a black person might have died, but I’m fine, because I’m white. No – you’re fine because you’re white and rich. You’re fine because you look like someone who reviews cartoons for a dying online publication called The Daily Muffin, which is exactly what you are. Bald and covered in cat hair. Frameless glasses cutting a red wedge into the bridge of your nose. The white people who get gunned down by police don’t look like you. Their class position is stamped visibly on their face, and so is yours. And you’ve trained yourself to see any suffering they experience as nothing more than ugly Trump voters getting what they deserve.

Why aren’t there protests when a white person is murdered by police? Answer 1: because, as John Berger points out, ‘demonstrations are essentially urban in character.’ Native Americans are killed by cops at an even higher rate than black people, but this too tends to happen very far away from the cities and the cameras; it becomes invisible. Answer 2: because nobody cares about them. Not the right wing, who only pretend to care as a discursive gotcha when there’s a BLM protest. And definitely not you. Sectors of the white intelligentsia have spent the last decade trying to train you out of fellow-feeling. Cooley et al., 2019: learning about white privilege has no positive effect on empathy towards black people, but it is ‘associated with greater punishment/blame and fewer external attributions for a poor white person’s plight.’ A machine for turning nice socially-conscious liberals into callous free-market conservatives.

The rhetoric of privilege is a weapon, but it’s not pointed at actually (ie, financially) privileged white people. We get off lightly. All we have to do is reflect on our privilege, chase our dreamy reflections through an endlessly mirrored habitus – and that was already our favourite game. You might as well decide that the only cure for white privilege is ice cream. Working-class whites get no such luxuries. But as always, the real brunt falls on non-white people. What happens when you present inequality in terms of privileges bestowed on white people, rather than rights and dignity denied to non-white people? The situation of the oppressed becomes a natural base-state. You end up thinking some very strange things. A few years ago, I was once told that I could only think that the film Black Panther isn’t very good because of my white privilege. Apparently, black people are incapable of aesthetic discernment or critical thought. (Do I need to mention that the person who told me this was white as sin?) This framing is as racist as anything in Carlyle. It could only have been invented by a rich white person.

Give them their due; rich white people are great at inventing terrible new concepts. Look at what’s happening right now: they’re telling each other to read White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard For White People To Talk About Racism by Robin DiAngelo. You should never tell people to read White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard For White People To Talk About Racism by Robin DiAngelo – but we live in an evil world, and it’s stormed to the top of the Amazon bestsellers list. You maniacs, you psychopaths, look what you’ve done. I’m not saying people shouldn’t read the book – I read it, and I don’t get any special dispensations – but you should read it like Dianetics, like the doctrine of a strange and stupid cult.

…

The book is a thrill-ride along a well-paved highway – ‘powerful institutions are controlled by white people;’ true, accurate, well-observed – that quickly takes a dive off the nearest cliff – ‘therefore white people as a whole are in control of powerful institutions.’ Speak for yourself, lady! All a are b, DiAngelo brightly informs us, therefore all b must also be a. She doesn’t advocate for her understanding of the world, she simply assumes it. So it’s not a surprise that the real takeaway from White Fragility is that Robin DiAngelo is not very good at her job.

…

Imagine a devoted cultist of Tengrism, who sometimes gets invited by company bosses to harangue the workforce on how the universe is created by a pure snow-white goose flying over an endless ocean, and how if you don’t make the appropriate ritual honks to this cosmic goose you’re failing in your moral duty. But every time she gives this spiel, she always gets the same questions. Exactly how big is this goose? Surely the goose must have to land sometimes? Geese hatch in litters – what happened to the other goslings? Something must be wrong with these people. Why don’t they just accept the doctrine? Why do they hate the goose? We need a name for their sickness. Call it Goose Reluctance, and next time someone doesn’t jump to attention whenever you speak, you’ll know why. Of course, the comparison is unfair; ideas about eternal geese are beautiful, and DiAngelo’s are not. But the structure is the same. Could it be that Robin DiAngelo is a poor communicator selling a heap of worthless abstractions? No, it’s the workers who are wrong.

(By the way, how did you feel about that phrase, racial humility? I didn’t like it, but her book is full of similar formulations – she also wants us to ‘build our racial stamina’ and ‘attain racial knowledge.’ Now, maybe I’m an oversensitive kike, but I can’t encounter phrases like these and not hear others in the background. Racial spirit. Racial consciousness. Racial hygiene. And somewhere, not close but coming closer, the sound of goosestepping feet.)

I didn’t seek out any of the material I talk about here. It came to me. And it’s making me feel insane. The only social media I use these days is Instagram – because if I’m going to be hand-shaping orecchiette all night, and serving it with salsiccia, rapini, and my own home-pickled fennel, it’s not for my own pleasure, and I demand to receive a decent 12 to 15 likes for my efforts. (I will not be accepting your follow request.) A week ago, on the 2nd of June, my feed was suddenly swarming with white people posting blank black squares. People I’d never known to be remotely political, people whose introduction to politics was clearly coming through the deranged machine of social media. Apparently, that was ‘Blackout Tuesday.’ I don’t know whose clever idea this was, and I don’t want to know, but it came with a threat. If all your friends are posting the square, and you’re not, does it mean you simply don’t care enough about black lives? Around the same time, I was helpfully made aware of a viral Instagram album titled Why The Refusal To Post Online Is Often Inherently Racist. I honestly can’t imagine how terrifying it must be to live like this – always on edge, always trying to be Good, always trying to have your Goodness recognised by other people, in a game where the scores are tracked by what you post on the internet, and the rules are always changing.

[idealnreal]

I would love a meta on a timeline of takuto’s mental state

meta / who ever you are nonnie you have my love forever

I solemnly swear i will not make this a thousand words long crap it is. But yes, lets do this.

1) Childhood to his teen-years

Being quite a sensitive child, Takuto was hyper aware of the emotions running through the house in his early childhood. He still remembers being quite stressed and upset whenever he heard his parents voices being raised. A part of him also understood that he should not expect his father to come back, and he understood enough to feel upset. At school, he was easily overwhelmed in busy and noisy classrooms -- and will often withdraw or to sit on his own. However, for the most part, he was fine with making friends, and did make a few. He also quickly bonded with his step-father, who did get him a cat for a present -- and the combination of both helped him manage his social anxiety.

In middle school, his family moved into another town, and though he experienced a lot of initial stress -- middle school was where he met Shibu and Rumi. And with them, he began to become alot more social and able to manage  his anxiety and emotions. He joined school activities, went bouldering with his friends and seniors. He did have his share of taking on more than he could handle, as he was often who his classmates would go to talk to -- and for help. There were several times where he would mistake the experiences and feelings of another for his own. And would come home terribly upset. He also became more aware of the wider world through both fiction and non fiction, and the news. It was probably in high school when he began feeling anxious of the state of the world -- and his place in it. 

2) University

He remembers his time at university as the happiest of his years. With Rumi and Shibu -- and his new found direction in life -- for the most part he felt completely in control. Sure, there were long nights, short tempers, impossible deadlines and exams-- it never caused him any anxiety that he couldn’t handle. His social circle is limited to Rumi’s and Shibu’s friends, as well as the people he climbs with -- and he never felt the need to have anymore than those. Towards the end of medical school is when he first discovered cognitive pscience and began to research it -- which would become his purpose and joy.

Perhaps the most difficult portion of this stage of his life was his psychiatric residency. He had become painfully aware over how responsible he was over someone’s happiness -- even their lives. This stress made it difficult for him to block himself from over-empathising with his patients again. And he suffered  emotional burn-outs and depressive episodes regularly for years -- straining most of his relationships. Which made him all the happier and prouder when he completed his residency, completed several papers on cognitive pscience, was licensed -- and most importantly, when Rumi agreed to marry him.

3) Prior and after the Incident 

He began experiencing migraines several months before the incident-- which he  thinks could be the effect of staring at his research too long and working late into the night. But despite this, his hope was higher than ever-- as he felt that his life and his future had fallen into place. He was over the moon at the idea that he will marry Rumi -- and though finances were tight, he was sure that his research would one day be able to earn him a decent salary to make their lives comfortable. But his life would never be that simple.

The months that followed the Incident were characterised by periods of intense depression, broken by a handful of days of manic overworking on his research. It is also after the Incident when he began experiencing dissociative/ depersonalisation episodes due to his trauma and survivor’s guilt. He also regularly gets auditory hallucinations, while the migraines also seemed to intensify. However, he feared admitting to anyone that he was suffering from these conditions -- much less seek treatment. He was terrified that it will be used to discredit his research and push him further out of the academic funding circle. Besides, he needed to keep sane for Rumi. He needed to stay strong for her. This is also the point where his distortion begins to manifest.

His first awakening to Azathoth and the subsequent ‘loss’ of Rumi, revealed his path forward. He knew what he had to do, how to do it and why he must see it through. This singular and clear vision began driving him forward on working on his research, despite various failings and attempts to shut his work down. While the migraines and hallucinations have stopped, he still experiences dissociative episodes, as well as very lucid nightmares due to his link with Azathoth -- even if it was under-developed at the time. 

4) Years prior to the start of the game and prior to the third semester

He has pushed away almost everyone in his life in the years prior to the game, his friends and his family-- a result of his unresolved survivor’s guilt and paranoia. He continues with his research and working at a few private practices over the years to help heal people, and to gather data to test his theories. 

And while he suffers from various setbacks to his mental health, he has been able to methodically manage his anxiety, emotional burn out, and his dissociative episodes. He still refuses to admit it to others or to seek treatment -- and he convinces himself that as long as his episodes don’t get too out of hand, and that he’s still able to work on his research, it’s fine. 

Any small happiness he has felt during this period would soon be quenched by compulsive suspicion and guilt. Perhaps any true feelings of joy he felt were all related to advances of his research -- spotting the phantom thieves returning from the Metaverse, and Joker helping him realise that he could integrate the collective unconscious into his theories. 

To make clear, despite his attempt to keep people away -- he cares deeply about every single person he meets, and every single patient or student he takes on. He is genuine in everything he does for them, and he would be the first to go above and beyond to cheer them up or to help them. He shares their joys, as well as their burdens, and these people drive him onwards.

6) Third semester

His full awakening to Azathoth was a cathartic experience. For years, he had worked on studying the cognitive world, formulated theories of how it can be used in therapy and gathered proof that it can be used to heal. And if his first awakening granted him the key, now, he was shown the lock and the door. While his heart was distorted with his messiah complex long before this event, it  has now been given validation and supercharged. Now Takuto had been chosen to give the world and all humanity the peace and happiness it deserves. 

His full awakening also fully merged his mind and self with Azathoth, and as a result, I think he has gained all the maddening knowledge of the world between realities, and of all realities and of all worlds. And by taking root in Mementos, he also began experiencing all of people’s fears, pains, and memories. Now, knowing and feeling all of humanity’s agony -- whatever doubt he had was gone, replaced only by the singular conviction that what he must do was the right thing. 

And this was also the same time his survivor’s guilt twisted into deep self-loathing. When before he would dissociate from a room full of happy people, now, he was convinced that there was no place for him in this perfect and ideal world that he was creating. He would take all of humanity’s burdens and sins -- he would sacrifice his own life and existence-- if it meant their salvation. There was no going back. 

7) Post royal (True Ending)

Atlus: Ta-Da! he’s fine, happy taxi driver man! Me: Uhm, Doubt.

While the change of heart definitely caused his messiah complex madness to disappear -- it left a gaping void of his unresolved trauma, survivor’s guilt and an intense anxiety about his purpose in life and place in the world. He now doesnt trust himself to help or heal anyone -- the only real thing he had about him ‘self’ and his identity. And now -- he has experienced that perfect reality and tormented with the knowledge that he had failed to uphold it, and that if the world was suffering now, it was his fault. The world was back to being the terrifying, chaotic, meaningless place it always was -- and there was nothing he can do about it.

As a result, for the months that followed his defeat -- he would have crippling depression and intense dissociative/derealisation episodes. His would also experience auditory and visual hallucinations -- which, together with everything else, usually resulted in some degree of self-harm.

Yes, I do think he will eventually admit and ask for help from Shibu and his own family-- and he will find some way to pick up the pieces and pull himself back togethe, and that he’ll seek out Rumi and work through their trauma together. But it will be an incredible struggle. There is a happy ending for him -- it just might take a couple more years. And some goddamned therapy.

[inanawesomewave]

IT IS DOUBLE PLEASURE TO DECEIVE THE DECEIVER

Today I want to talk about what happens when the antisocial personality disordered service with complex care needs and behavioural issues -- ah fuck it -- the sociopath, finds out they have been lied to.  What’s your normal reaction when someone you trust and/or love comes at you with a lie? It may take you a while to figure it out, or maybe they’re a bad liar or have lied to you before and you can watch the lie play out as it comes out of their mouth, and a normal reaction would be anger, sadness, despair, all of those things. So what would you do in the wake of that lie? If you were healthy and strong, you might confront it in a controlled way. No matter how strong you are, you may behave irrationally, you may become suspicious or go into paranoia overdrive, perhaps you’ll find yourself becoming increasingly sarcastic or mean, you might just burst into tears, and all of those are normal reactions when you find you’ve been lied to. But today I want to talk about what I think might be the antisocial reaction to lies.  When I’m lied to, there will always be a part of me that feels wounded and in pain, if the person lying to me is someone i’ve let into my life and my mind. Yes, it’s true, we feel pain. I probably won’t know the name of the pain I’m feeling, and when this lack of emotional connection to myself happens, I react with -- yep, you guessed it -- rage. That’s my default setting. I’ve been told in the past, “what you’re experiencing is despair”, “it’s probably because you feel so insignificant”, “it makes sense that right now you would be going through a sense of unease”, or whatever, and when it’s pointed out to me, I can sometimes grab onto that description and root around in my psyche to see if that was a correct assessment, and if it is, I can latch onto it somewhat. But anger is what happens to antisocials who experience alexithymia (an inability to identify or explain one’s own emotions). Like this: 

I often need someone to tell me what they think I’m feeling, and then, if it starts to make sense, I’ll assume that’s what’s what. I’m not the kind of sociopath who will brag about how little I like to hear about other people’s emotions, because really, I love hearing about people’s emotional worlds. Yes, perhaps I despise the assumption that it’s my job to feel on behalf of someone else, that being a good person isn’t so much tied in helping someone with a problem as it is feeling that problem, but listening to how people process their emotions is useful to me, and also kind of fascinating. If you’ve heard that sociopaths have no feelings, what’s perhaps more accurate is we don’t know we have feelings.  So, we lash out. Anger is the most deregulated emotion in antisocial personality disorder, and I believe that’s because it’s our real emotions that are deregulated, but rage and hostility is the other mask we wear, the most pervading one, the one that we have even convinced ourselves with.  So, when experiencing a lie, we’ll get angry.  But it doesn’t end there.  Antisocial personality disorder comes with many choices. I once likened it to living in a constant click-and-point video game, and I stand by that. In moments of violent conflict or threat you might see a glass bottle on the ground and quick as lightening your brain will light the thing up and you’ll run through the options: do I want to pick up this bottle? Do I want to use it as a weapon? Do I want to hide it and come back to it? Do I want to leave it and scan the room to see what else is here? And, in times of interpersonal conflict, something rather more abstract, you may experience anger, and the angry part of your brain will light up (🎵hello amygdala my old friend🎵 ) and your rationale (if we can ever really have that) will say: what do I want to do with this anger? Do I want to direct it to the threat? Do I want to harm them with it? Do I want to pretend it isn’t there? Do I want to hide it and come back to it? Do I want to leave it and scan my brain to see what else is here? But then there comes the big one -- do I want to accept the truth of this anger? Do I want to display it?  Do I want to play the game? 

When you are used to anger being your default setting, you learn lots of different ways to express it, and whilst the explosive kind of “FUCK YOU AND FUCK EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR” is what we’d most likely think of when thinking of what rage looks like, there’s many ways it can come through, and the example I gave here of reacting to a lie I think is a good place to start when talking about this. Because anger isn’t always fireworks. A lot of the time, it’s silence. Amusement. Catharsis. Comedy. It’s like we have to take the “generic bad” feeling, reroute it to anger, and let it come back out as something else. It’s like, when it comes to our feelings, we have taken a sentence, run it through Google translate into a foreign language, taken that foreign language and put it back through Google translate again, and try to make something of the broken English we’ve come back with. 

You’re trying to humiliate me and now I am angry lie. My angry lie is that I think you’re a bad person. I think you’re selfish. I have never liked you. This is hilarious to me. I deserve better than this...  I deserve better than this is the biggest lie we tell when we’re lied to, because deep down, we don’t think we deserve better than this at all. If antisocial personality disorder has its roots in deeply embedded cynicism, pessimism, isolation and trauma, then every single mask we wear is one of ultimate power, control, self-assuredness and confidence. I deserve better than this can never be true, because that would require empathy, and our lack of empathy is most evident when it comes to talking about ourselves. If we don’t know the names of our feelings, we cannot empathise with them.  So what’s the next step? You know the old saying, “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me”? When you have a lowered ability to experience remorse and guilt, no propensity to feelings of regret, shame doesn’t come into it. I’m not ashamed I let myself be lied to. I’m... what’s the word? What’s the name of this? Oh right, that’s it. I’m angry. But I did the shouting, kicking off, the big display of ego when I was fooled the first time. The second time, the lie lights up in my head: do I want to pick up this lie? Do I want to confront this lie? Do I want to pretend it isn’t there? Do I want to leave it there for a second whilst I scan whatever else is going on, for example: does the liar seem to also be sad, confused, misunderstood, are they nervous? Playing with their hair, looking off in different directions, are they shaking or babbling or misdirecting? And what do I want to do with that? Do I want to tell them my suspicions? And just what is this? Why are these things lighting up? Is it a game? Is this a game?! Can I win it?! And this is why Machiavelli once famously said, “it is double pleasure to deceive the deceiver”, and this is why Machiavellianism forms part of the Dark Triad of psychopathy. Because it’s abnormal to see a lie as a game, it’s clinically weird, psychologically speaking, it’s crazy cuckoo. Why would anyone watch someone lie and feel a sense of relief washing over them (in an awesome wave)? Why would anyone in their right mind see a lie happen, and then wonder for how long the rally of lies can go back and forth, to see who will break first, to take the liar and lie to them so hard they’ll regret ever lying to you? As I outlined at the beginning of this blog, there are normal reactions to lies and even the explosive and distressed ones are normal. What’s abnormal is the willingness and even eagerness to throw oneself into the pit and get right into it. Because people with antisocial personality disorder are always seeking out conflict. Even when we’re evolved, doing better these days, in therapy, writing a blog -- we don’t like the things you don’t like, and nobody likes being lied to. The motivation, however, to not come back fighting and transform the sadness into rage and the rage into a comedy that only amuses ourselves is antisocial. It’s an unwillingness and/or inability to read the social situation, and it’s cynicism distilled. It doesn’t matter who, it doesn’t matter when. We believe that everyone is capable, more than capable, of badness, deceit, immorality and sadism, and what drives our utter lack of faith in humanity is the lie that people tell themselves to prove they would never display those traits. When someone shows their hand, a good person without a diagnosis, it’s double pleasure. It’s the pleasure of overcoming whatever pain you almost felt, and the exquisite pleasure of finally having your worst fears confirmed. Because after all, if it really is a dog-eat-dog world, as evidenced by someone else’s deceitfulness, then chaos can thrive. And, being justified, it doesn’t need to hide behind a mask. And it’s hard to trust a liar again. Our personalities are built around distrust, so the best we can hope for is to feel/not feel that way, and make it work for us. That’s what ASPD is. That’s who we are. And for you, the thought that people are fundamentally bad and self-serving might be a terrifying prospect, so it would make sense you’d want to protect yourself from that. But for us, that thought is what protects us, and it protects us in more ways than you know. 

[sieben9]

“only you”/“an untold story” impressions

{Quick request to anyone reading: I’m watching OUaT for the first time, and I want to avoid spoilers. So, if you want to discuss something spoilery, I’d be grateful if you could start a new post for that. Thank you!}

Yes, both in one post. Mostly because I watched them in one go. And because they’re really just one long story, anyways.

please feel free to insert your own episode-relevant pun here

Before I get into anything else: NO MORE UNDERWORLD LIGHTING! I’d almost forgotten how much that stupid red filter bothered me, until I didn’t have to stare at it while going through my screenshots. Dobby is freeeee~

Anyways, to my intense surprise, especially after the mess that was “Last Rites”, I really liked this finale! Not as a season-finale, because it wasn’t, but it was a very solid, fun two-parter that feels like it should have aired halfway through the hiatus between seasons. (I have Opinions™ on the “season finale followed by a mostly-unrelated epilogue/setup for the next season” format, and not one of them is positive.) The setup for the next season did get me cautiously excited, though. Not quite the “holy crap, I have to watch that!” of the s4 finale, but still good.

Just for clarity’s sake: I will be referring to this two-parter as one episode, just for ease of conversation. I have not slept this weekend, and I refuse to juggle grammar.

OK, just so I have it out of my system:

Gay roadtrip!

“i know we spent the last ten episodes getting my boyfriend back from the dead, but there isn’t room for four in the bug, so bye!” — emma swan, apparently

My joyful little shipper heart aside, the Emma/Regina bits in this episode were just fantastic. From their little heart-to-heart about Regina missing Robin (and Emma actually properly empathising this time) to the oddly even more personal topic of Regina’s constant battle with her “evil” side, it was all that I might have wanted and more.

The scene also left me with a weird feeling, because on the one hand, sure, it’s hard to constantly have to censor a part of yourself in order to be accepted in the company of the people you love (and who love you), but on the other hand… if that part of yourself has “kill it with fire” as the first response to any and all annoyances, maybe, just maybe, that’s something that you should censor. That said, Regina, you should definitely make an appointment with Archie. That sounds like his cup of preferred beverage.

And now to maybe my least favourite part of the episode, so we get it over with… the actual “main” plot. Or the excuse plot, as I will call it, because, really, the whole “Henry destroys magic” thing never really felt like a credible threat. It was more something to get everyone into motion so they could do the actually interesting stuff.

Don’t get me wrong, Henry snapping after losing yet another person—even by proxy through his mother—is perfectly understandable and realistic. That he’d turn his anger on magic as a whole isn’t exactly out of left field, either. He’s done this before, after all. At least this time, he didn’t try to blow up the magic well. I like that well, recent drama notwithstanding.

instead, we get the reverse-cornucopia of magic, apparently

But the plotline itself seemed far too rushed and low-energy to really grab my attention. And the resolution was… ::sigh:: there’s a dilemma for me, here, because I unabashedly love cheesy “The Power Is In You” moments, and the scene at the well did hit that button. It just felt unearned, which is why I couldn’t really enjoy it. (Also, I don’t know what New Yorkers are like, but I know how people from around here would have reacted to a performance act like that. Ah, well. Never Mind All That.)

the real magic was convincing so many people to throw away their spare change

I don’t even know what to say about the Dragon cameo. Nice to see he’s not dead, after all, but everything else in that scene... Nick, if you’d be so kind?

OK, that’s over with. Luke-warm excuse plot with some nice elements to it. I’m not sure if Violet needed to be in this, but I guess Henry needed someone to talk to.

Just as a pick-me-up, I want to give a shoutout to one of the best-executed bits of comedy on this show so far:

“Guy on the third floor is involved in some kind of satanistic ritual and dumped his food on the floor. Pretty polite and tips well, though. 8/10”

Just… very good performance and comedic timing on both parts. I liked it.

Aaaaand over to the “they got sucked through a portal. Again.” part of the episode.

ah, zeppelins; the easiest shorthand for “alternate universe” there ever was

I do kind of like the sound of the Land of Untold Stories and I really, really hope this gets a little more fleshed out in the coming season. How do people end up there when they’re not sucked through Yet Another Portal Accident? Is this what happens to all stories that haven’t been written down by an Author, yet? Is Harry Potter in there somewhere?

So many questions, so little screentime… I’m not sure if I would have liked 8 episodes of stumbling around in this new world, but I would have liked to find out if I did. …listen, it made sense in my head.

This plotline included what is probably my biggest complaint about the writing this episode: Snow selling out Belle. Just… with little to no hesitation. Which is why blaming the writing and not her. If this was supposed to be some kind of big, dramatic moral dilemma, I expect we’d have seen at least some semblance of guilt on her part. Instead, she just told this clearly violent individual about the defenceless, sleeping-cursed pregnant woman within nanoseconds of him threatening Hook. I know Snow’s characterisation has been a bit inconsistent recently, but come on. This isn’t her, and I am disappointed that the show even tried to sell this to me.

And I think I would have believed the version where Snow just blurts out the information about Belle and later feels awful, because holy crap, how could she? (There’s… some precedent for poor judgment on Snow’s part when it comes to sharing information, after all.) But this wasn’t even a Thing for her. I just… ::frustrated noises:: why, show?

So, yeah, the Bad Guy kidnaps Belle. Well done, there. By the way, wasn’t it incredibly difficult at some point to make portals to the Land Without Magic? I get why portalling to Storybrooke would be easier—it’s got magic, after all. But hotel room 318, New York? I guess you could argue that the crystal brought the magic along, but still.

i giggled at this bit, i’m afraid. fellow cat owners will understand.

So, I’m not sure what the “intended” reading here is, but I find it interesting that Rumple seems to understand himself so much less than Hyde apparently does (prediction: they totally know each other; mostly because Rumple knows everyone—guy gets around…) So he went to protect the magic crystal, because what else would the thundering teleport-vortex of doom have come to steal? As has been noted before, Rumple doesn’t really go after people through their loved ones, with one very recent exception, and he had to ask his dad for help to come up with that one. The idea that someone would kidnap Belle to get whatever the hell they want from him, doesn’t seem to occur, even though it has happened multiple times, already. Just… maybe you should have kept that box in your coat pocket, my friend.

Yeah… this is sure going to be fun, I can already tell. What does Hyde want with Storybrooke, anyway? It’s been established that it has one of the least-fun-to-rule populations, and everyone and their dog has magic. Seems like a bad pick, overall.

You do you, though.

And from Jekyll and Hyde, we finally come to this…

that still looks so very unpleasant.

I’m… ambivalent about the personality split, and I really want to wait and see how it turns out. Clearly, this is a good way to have the Evil Queen around again without also having to sacrifice Regina’s redemption arc, which I’m grateful for, believe me. It’s bad enough to have one of my faves on a redemption-yoyo—no need to add a second one.

is it bad that i missed her?

OK, look I’ve seen this Star Trek episode. Ten bucks that it turns out the Evil Queen isn’t “just” Regina’s evil side, she also got many of her more forceful, but overall positive character traits, and both are less without the other, leading to them re-fusing or something. (Yes, wrong fandom. So sue me.)

…obviously, I’m willing to be surprised, but I like this version a lot more than the idea that you can just siphon out the “evil” parts of yourself. (Even Hyde wasn’t really Jekyll’s “evil” side—just the collection of his socially unacceptable traits made flesh. I only read an abridged version of that book, and that a while ago, but Jekyll still seemed like a bit of an ass to me.)

While we’re here: shoutout to Snow and her flask of cocoa-fortifier. That got a surprised (and amused) laugh out of me.

Also, do we want to talk about whether or not it’s healthy to be so at odds with a part of yourself that you think killing it is the best way to deal with it or…? ‘cause, honestly, I would like to talk about that. Seems like Regina is a lot less OK than she’d like others and herself to think…

yeah, that’s not a “finally i’m free!” face

So, cautiously optimistic about s6 so far. The villains definitely seem interesting, and this episode was a good reminder of what I liked about the character dynamic in the first place.

An addendum about 5B:

Goddamn, but this season dragged. There seems to be simultaneously too much plot for too little time and not enough plot to fill ten episodes. This is probably based in my personal biases for and against certain characters (and the fact that I was insanely busy and couldn’t watch the season all in one go), but… yeah, I’m kind of relieved it’s over, to be honest.

[brooke-the-poet]

A serious important post..

Pathological Abusers within Fan Groups.

(This is an excerpt from a much longer essay adressing the topic of predators within disability and fan group communities)

Early fan groups were formed by extroverted Autistic women and men in order to share their special interests, overtime these groups and this aspect of autistic culture was hijacked/assimilated by non-autistics in their effort to socialise. In consequence many aspects have become unfriendly to Autistics, commercialization, conventions, and focus on monetary consumption and socialization, rather than person to person information sharing and connection.

Autistics connect to people in a very direct way, imprinting ourselves onto each other at times. We take connections personally and seriously. The idea of an “acquaintance” is a foreign concept. As this aspect of fan culture has gotten lost, leaving many connection seekers adrift, human predators have merged in to take advantage.

We are all now familiar with internet trolls, those who aim shots in order to cause fighting, but within fan groups a more sinister kind exist. Pathological Manipulators who develop vindictive behaviour and choose to take this out on others. This type of troll will find those in groups who are the most vulnerable for whatever reason, and attach themselves to them.

psychological manipulation: one person is used for the benefit of another. The manipulator deliberately creates an imbalance of power, and exploits the victim to serve his or her agenda.

Often saying they want help, connection, a friend, they weave a tale of need that the victim empathises with and then feels obligated to help.

For Autistic people the call for help triggers a powerful sense of personal obligation and responsibility. Physical pain and anxiety at the idea of not helping is often a consequence, so those who wish to use this to their own personal gain do not have to do much to convince the victim. Once accepted the abuser will then exert what seems like simple influence on the victim.

It is important to note that manipulation is not the same as influence. Everyone influences or is influenced in the course of life in order to achieve our goals.

But influencers recognize the boundaries of other people. They use direct and honest communication. Emotional manipulators disregard others feelings.

This difference is hard to tell for a lot of people, and even harder for Autistics whose neurology makes us more trusting of others and unable to process in real time, the meaning behind others words and behaviour. In hindsight it may become clear but not without much reflection and emotional guilt and turmoil.

Meanwhile without intervention abusers will persist, gaining inside information to use against their victim, controlling them, emotionally and psychologically manipulating them through verbal abuse, death threats and much more. Suicide can also be the goal of this kind of abuser.

Once the victim is further isolated they begin to take on guilt and feed the troll more of what it wants. Getting out of this situation is only possible if an outside person intervenes.

Almost everyone is a potential victim and while there are many guides suggesting strategies and so on for spotting them, trying to use them in real time, is almost impossible. One clear sign though especially in fan groups is, asking yourself:

Does this person claim to know a lot of personal information about the subject, yet provide contradictory information from un-satisfactory sources?

Do they exhibit un-fan like behaviour? Praising people or their interest one day yet disparaging them the next?

(Fans tend to be fairly consistent in their love and praise, often wanting to spread positivity surrounding their interests.)

Do they talk behind others back? Do they bait other people?

Are they inconsistent with their stories? ex: claim to be a teacher or some other profession, yet show no signs of it in their language, frame of reference, skills.

To people who have never been bullied or emotionally abused before, these things, even someone directly telling you to kill yourself, are obvious indicators of abuse but not to the ones who are used to such abuse.

They have rationalized this behaviour over time and attributed it to something being very wrong within themselves rather than accept that someone could possibly abuse them. This way any pain is deflected. And even when the abuse has stopped and the victim is out of the situation, self blame continues.

What fans can do:

Be aware of who is joining your group and who you interact with. Just as you would offline, get to know a bit about each person and if something doesn’t seem right, address it. You’re not being paranoid.

Don’t think you are not in a group, you are. The people you interact with are your group. Don’t expect everyone to be capable of watching out for themselves. Individualism will tell you that everyone is only responsible for themselves, in real life that is not the case. Someone else always knows something one does not, sharing that info never hurts.

Keep in mind that you are interacting with people of all neurotypes, abilities, disabilities, races, genders and so on. We all have different experiences that contribute to human understanding.

Checking up on each other is a must as fan groups often involve people needing to reach out to others for connection, issues around depression and other health crisis. Fandom is cheap therapy in most cases for those who can not afford it. It can be a distraction from pain of all kinds.

For example in my many years of fandom I have been a lay spiritual advisor, a suicide/relationship/ crisis counselor, a confidante, researcher and a therapist. It comes with the territory.

So if someone appears to be using this to manipulate and control people, speak out. Address it privately offline.

Fan groups needs to address this, to create protocol around it. Because often victims will not address it due to shame. Being a fan of something can bring it’s own particular shame, outsiders will say you shouldn’t be online or you should not join groups etc…this is victim blaming. It is not helpful. Online life is real life. People need to have an online presence, within the disability community being able to interact online is the only human interaction many have with the outside world.

Unfortunately we can't live our lives and enjoy things without someone coming along to exploit it. So online protection is a must. Especially by those who want to be allies. For the abled, being aware doesn’t take much effort, pausing your online consumption to check up on people, check to see if conflict or anything weird is going on, is well within the boundaries of a group.

Don't give in to factions. Sometimes one person in a group may garner popularity due to connections to the item of interest. They will likely be surrounded by hangers on who are more likely than not potential manipulators, trying to control the flow of information and that particular person, wanting to keep them isolated.

These groupies may prevent the person in question from making friends from outside the group established by the manipulators. Resist the formations of factions by encouraging engagement with everyone.

Oversharing/info dumping is natural to many Autistics. Not sharing can be a very confusing and curious matter and to us a possible red flag that something is wrong.

But there are also people who are not serious or true about their emotions and will make grand statements in order to gain sympathy yet will them use it to abuse the sympathisers.

Be aware of the difference.

If an autistic person says they do not identify with or has no interest in something, it does not mean dislike or ignorance of that thing, we simply have no connection or feelings toward it whatsoever. Non-autistics should not take this personally.

On a side note the term “Stan” used by non-autistics to describe their form of pathological interests, was coined by rapper Eminem who is Autistic. For the sake of cultural respect, non-autistics should be aware of the many, many cultural aspects created by Autistics from anime to the internet we all use, that they currently enjoy.

Overall interactions should be respectful, fun and meaningful. Autistic or not everyone knows the joy that comes with being interested in something. Special interests have helped me make friends, sent me down winding rabbit holes to locate people who are stuck, who I needed and who needed me. I’ve found inspiration and joy and countless ideas that have helped expand my world. People have the right to explore and enjoy these interests in safety.