#but god or fate keeps dangling juuuust enough hope in front of me that I keep going. it’s been like that for eight years
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Every day I grow closer to throwing my phone into the river and when I do I won’t fucking regret it
#i have been. dodging scams all morning#i don’t have any fucking money please just leave me alone#my friendships have been rotten to the fucking core#my mind poisoned#what the fuck is the point in having a smartphone when a fliphone still lets people contact me but doesn’t fucking make my life worse#not that I could afford a flip phone anyway. or service. why would someone want to scam me specifically when I posted my account overdrafted#you can SEE I don’t have money why do you BOTHER#SCAM SOMEONE RICH YOU FUCKIN MORON#alas that the desperate make for such easy targets for the heartless#it’s been so hard to keep going and every day for two months something has happened to convince me it isnt fuckin worth it like its ONLY bad#but god or fate keeps dangling juuuust enough hope in front of me that I keep going. it’s been like that for eight years#and I’ve fallen apart in that time completely. my hair is gone and my teeth will be gone soon too#my bones and joints will follow suit they’re already deformed and weak#the ringing in my ears only gets louder. i haven’t known the familiar peace of silence in years and it’ll only ever get further#and I’ll never afford the medical or psychological care to actually help those things#why bother??? I’ll keep bothering out of spite and stupid foolish hope but I still don’t fucking know why I bother when it never gets better#and it might not! hope is called hope for a reason sometimes shit just doesn’t work out#i could suffer on for abother year or five just to have it all fall apart even more. no payout#hell does exist on earth for some people. if I die and there wasn’t ever joy enough to outweigh everything then my hell was real all along#and I will have been fuckall stupid enough to suffer it for years instead of dying in high school like I planned. or college. or after.#so many times life pushed me to the edge and I crawled back just for things to get worse. every time#and still I hold onto my hope like it’s all that ever mattered. and if life turns out that way maybe it’ll be all that ever did#false hopes and a terribly misplaced heart#fate willing we all find peace
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