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taetaespeaches · 4 years

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“I never would’ve thought Agust D would be so soft after sex.”

yoongi x reader (or oc) genre: smut; fluff word count: 3.1K

a/n: ok, so, Kid is ready to give Yoon that good good just after hearing like half the mixtape, our girl hasn’t even seen the damn mv yet guys, like, she’s ready to pounce after just seven songs from her man. And honestly, mood. I hope you lovelies enjoy this, I hope it lives up to your expectations lmao, and thank you for reading :))

YOU paced back and forth from one end of your kitchen to the other as you waited for Yoongi to answer his damn phone. I mean, seriously, how long does it take to pick up the-

“Hello?” Yoongi’s low voice interrupted your thoughts through the phone’s speaker.

Gasping, you eagerly asked, “Can I start listening?” omitting a proper greeting.

“Oh hey, I’m fine, how are you?” He teased.

You rolled your eyes, fully aware he couldn’t see you. “You’re expecting a lot of self-control from me right now, Min,” you complained.

Yoongi allowed himself to chuckle before responding with a humored, “if you want, you can listen, Kid.”

You squealed in excitement, bouncing around in front of the oven. “You’re sure? I don’t have to wait for you or anything?”

“Nah, I’m almost there anyway,” he told you, and you could tell by the tone of his voice he was grinning. “Just no music video yet,” he said in a whiny tone which you knew must be accompanied with a pout. He enjoyed watching your reaction to his music videos.

“No music video, I promise,” you smiled, absolutely fond of the man. “Oh my god, I’m not ready for this am I?” You yelled out, Yoongi scoffing in response.

“Jesus, you’re ridiculous,” he groaned.

“Shush, I’m hanging up, I have a long-awaited mixtape to listen to, thank you very much.”

“Ok fine, fine,” he laughed, but before you could hang up, Yoongi added, “Hey, Kid?” You hummed in response. “Love you.”

You’ve heard the words a million times, but it never failed to make your heart pound. However, that didn’t stop you from teasing him a bit. “Yeah, yeah, love you, I gotta go, priorities, baby. I don’t know if you’ve heard but the Agust D just made a comeback.”

He chuckled into the phone once more before giving you a, “See you in a bit,” and then hung up.

Immediately, you were pressing play on the mixtape on Spotify, already having had it pulled up for five minutes.

The first song, ‘Moonlight’, started off soft before scratching records came in, and then your boyfriend’s voice. When he gave his iconic laugh with an “August D” you smiled in pride. That’s my honey boy.

You turned your attention to the meal you were preparing for you and Yoongi, one of his favorites, stirring the contents in a big pot on the stovetop. Bopping along to the music, you listened to the lyrics that talked about his story, starting in Daegu to flying high with his group, how he goes through feelings of confidence in his work to feeling untalented, the struggles of writing this exact mixtape due to the pressure from a larger audience, expectations, and self-doubt. You knew those struggles all too well. You were with him throughout it all.

You’d been given glimpses of the songs throughout the writing process, some tracks in full while others you only saw lyric scribblings on those yellow notepads he leaves around his studio and that littered your apartment. You first saw the chorus to ‘Moonlight’ written on one of those notepads that sat on your bedside table.

“I like this,” you told your boyfriend, holding the notepad in one hand as the other found its way in his dampened hair, his face resting against your bare chest.

“Huh?” He looked up at you, his hand gripping your waist as his eyelids fluttered. The sheets were in disarray around your still nude forms. “Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah, is it for D-2?”

“Maybe,” he told you with a yawn. “Not sure.”

“I think you should use it,” you told him, your finger outlining the shell of his ear as his lips curved into a lazy smile. “It’s beautiful.”

“You really think so?” He asked, uncertain and a bit more awake.

“Yeah, definitely.”

He kissed the center of your chest before nuzzling his face further against your breasts. “You always know best, Kid.”

You felt your eyes prick with tears as you listened to the song, feeling immensely proud of your boyfriend. Of how hard he worked, of overcoming the doubt and fear, and just simply for the talent, passion, and artistry he shared with so many people.

As the mixtape played, you went through phases of dancing around, squealing in excitement, gasping at lyrics and phrasing, and more bouncing and dancing. You tried your best to focus on the lyrics, though you knew it would take a few listens to catch them all as you were too excited to comprehend everything just then.

Completely invested in the music, you didn’t hear your front door open, unaware of your boyfriend’s presence until he appeared in your peripheral, catching you doing a little strut that resembled Yoongi’s swagger walk he did on stage. Your head snapping to him, you were met with his gummy grin, his shoulders shaking in laughter as ‘Burn It’ continued to play throughout the kitchen.

“Are you leaving me for Agust D yet?” He teased, walking toward you.

“Do you realize how sexy you are? Like do you have any idea?” You asked accusatorily. “Like what the fuck, dude?”

“Jesus,” he huffed, a smile still plastered on his face. “You’re actually ridiculous.”

“Yeah, and you’re ridiculously talented, Min. You’re not told that enough,” you told him seriously. Reaching you, he placed his hands on your hips as you wrapped your arms around the back of his neck, stepping further into his arms.

“I’m told that plenty,” he dismissed with a bashful grin.

“No, you’re not,” you told him as ‘Burn It’ continued to play. Instead of responding to you, he kissed you which you immediately deepened, Yoongi stepping back a bit by the unexpected force behind your actions, though his arms wrapped tighter around your waist so your body was flush with his.

Pulling away, he chased your lips, making you smile. “I don’t even have the words right now to tell you how proud I am of you,” you told him seriously, tears forming in your eyes. You watched as Yoongi took a deep breath, keeping his own emotions under control at your sincere confession. “Just know I’m really proud,” you said as tears threatened to fall.

He quickly nodded just before bringing a hand to your jaw as he caught your lips again, giving you several quick pecks as he composed himself.

Letting out a breath that sounded to be one of relief, Yoongi peered around your frame, inspecting the food cooking on the stove, as well as the food that had spilled outside of the pot, with a grin. “That looks good.”

“Hopefully,” you said with a smile as Yoongi nuzzled his face against your neck, refusing to let you go. With the overwhelming pride and love you felt, mixed with the fact that the man on the mixtape was all yours, and he was standing in your kitchen, in your arms, pressing sweet kisses to your neck, you had a sudden desire for him.

As ‘People’ started playing, you were instantly struck with the memory of coming to his studio as he was working on that very track. It was just the instrumental then, but it was interesting and different from the other stuff he had been working on. Yoongi must have been thinking upon the same memory as he lifted his head, a gummy grin directed to you as his eyes found yours.

“I remember the night you wrote this,” you smiled, biting your lower lip. That night, you had spent about an hour of it sitting on his desk as Yoongi sat in his chair in front of you, his chin resting on your knees as you both discussed your ideas of life, and people, and changes, and what it all meant, if it even meant anything.

You had already been dating for well over a year, but it was a moment where you and Yoongi felt a closeness between you both that hadn’t really been there before, becoming more mentally and emotionally attune with each other.

The conversation eventually faded out, the intense feeling of understanding between you both leading to you having sex on his studio couch.

“Trust me, I remember it very well,” he chuckled, his mind running through every moment of that night, from the feeling of closeness, to the warmth of your body underneath his as he pressed you against the couch cushions, the way you moaned his name and whispered ‘I love you’s’.

As the chorus of ‘People’ sounded from your laptop, your eyes widened at the sultry soothe of your boyfriend’s vocals.

“Since when do you sing like that, Min?” You teased with a smile, your eyes bouncing around his soft features. As he let out a breathy chuckle, you slid your your hands down his neck to rest overtop his collarbones as you leaned toward him and kissed him deeply.

The action took him by surprise though he easily found his rhythm, his hands slipping underneath your shirt, feeling at the bare skin of your waist.

As you began backing up, he quickly felt around to shut the stove off before following you toward the bedroom, never breaking the kiss. Your hands found his waist as his moved to your face, taking control. You began lifting his shirt up, you both separating just long enough for you to pull it over his head and discard it somewhere in the hallway outside your room.

Eagerly, you unbuttoned his jeans, Yoongi helping you get the clothing off him as he released his hold on you to step out of them. Backing up, your legs hit the edge of the bed and you locked your eyes with your boyfriend’s. Smirking at him, you pulled your own shirt off before unhooking your bra and letting it fall to the floor at your feet.

Yoongi bit his lip, his eyes settling on your chest before slowly dragging them back up to meet your darkened gaze. Tilting his head at you, you quipped, “What are you waiting for?” Yoongi scoffed before approaching you and pushing your body so you fell against the mattress. He reached for the waist of your jeans, taking no time in unzipping them and tugging them down your legs, you lifting your hips to help him. Your panties were removed next, Yoongi dropping them to floor as he allowed his eyes to rake over your body, taking in every inch of you.

You sat up on your elbows, watching the man as he looked over your nude form. “For a man who brags an awful lot about being a king and a boss, you seem a bit timid, baby,” you teased in a sultry tone.

Your boyfriend scoffed again, a smirk forming on his lips. “Be patient,” he scolded, though he stepped toward you, nudging your inner knee with his leg, making you widen the gap between your thighs as he stared down at your center.

“My patience disappeared the moment I clicked play on that mixtape,” you smiled. “I want you.” With that, you sat up, your hands slipping underneath the waistband of his underwear, lowering them until they easily slid down his legs, pooling at his feet. You kept eye contact with him as you left a sweet kiss to his lower abdomen, just above his pelvic area.

He let out a quick breath as he smiled, lowering his body on top of yours, your back meeting the mattress. “If I had known Agust D would get you this worked up I would have released a mixtape two years ago,” he joked, your hands grabbing onto his sides as his lips found yours, kissing you passionately.

One of his arms was being used to prop himself up overtop you as his opposite hand slid down to your core, his fingers feeling between your legs. He groaned into your mouth at feeling how wet you’d become, and you smiled against his lips.

Not wanting to wait any longer, you used your strength to push against his body, rolling him over and straddling his hips. Yoongi’s breath was heavy and shallow as he anticipated being inside you, his large hands gripping your hips, his eyes eagerly taking in the sight of your form on top of him. He always did love you on top.

Placing one of your hands to his chest, your other found his hardened length. You stroked him a few times, Yoongi letting out a soft moan at the feeling, his hand sliding up your abdomen to your breast as he squeezed the supple flesh in his palm. At his touch, you guided him to your entrance, sharply intaking breath at the feeling of him slipping inside, letting the air out in a throaty moan.

“Fuck, Kid,” Yoongi breathed out, pinching your nipple between his fingers as you moved your hand from his dick to his chest, bracing yourself against him as you began slowly grinding atop him. Yoongi’s hand left your breast to your thigh, clutching the muscle as he bit his lip, watching your body move. “You’re so fucking hot.”

You held back a moan as you increased your pace, looking up to the ceiling before squeezing your eyes shut as he hit particularly deep. “Fuck,” you breathed out, lowering your gaze to Yoongi’s face, meeting his hooded eyes as he looked up at you in bliss.

His chest was like velvet underneath your hands and you wanted to feel more of his skin on yours. As if reading your mind, Yoongi moved his hands to your lower back, pulling you toward him so your chest was flush with his. He kissed you messily as he lifted his hips off the bed to move in and out of you as he held you to his body.

“I love you so much,” he confessed shakily against your lips, his breathing erratic due to the pleasure you were giving him.

“Oh my god, Yoongi, I love you,” you moaned, moving your face to his neck where you kissed and nibbled his skin lightly.

Wanting to treat him, you reluctantly pulled yourself away from him, sitting back up as you rocked back and forth on him, arching your back and placing a hand to his thigh to support yourself. Yoongi’s hands grabbed onto the sides of your legs as he watched you, looking more and more fucked out the longer you rode him.

Eyeing his thin but toned body, his smooth skin, and the flex of his abdomen as he took sharp breaths, you groaned. “You look so good,” you told him, admiring the man beneath you. Your man. All yours. “Feel so good,” you moaned.

One of Yoongi’s hands left your leg to find your hand that was pressed against his lower abdomen. He took your hand in his, intertwining his fingers with yours before bringing it to his lips and kissing your knuckles softly as he locked his gaze on yours.

The intimate action had your lower abdomen tightening. Sitting up straight, you brought your hand toward him which he grabbed with his other hand, helping you to support yourself as your motions atop him became hastier, approaching your high.

“Yoon, I’m gonna-”

“I know, baby,” he nodded, squeezing your hands as you neared your climax. “Me too.”

You let out a whimper, lowering your body to Yoongi’s again, your dewy chest meeting his, Yoongi wrapping his arms around your lower back as you both worked each other into your finishes. Yoongi buried his face in your neck as he let out small muffled grunts, you breathing out a moan in his ear. As he came, he hugged your body to his tightly, letting go inside you. The feeling of him releasing had you crashing into your own high, biting your lip as you moaned breathily, Yoongi kissing your neck sweetly as you came down.

You relaxed atop Yoongi, breathing heavy as his fingers toyed with the small of your back, soothing back and forth along the curve of your ass. You had a hand on his neck, slipping your fingers into his damp strands, your other hand on his chest, dragging your fingers along his pectoral.

“The mixtape is really good,” you assured him in a whisper, kissing his jaw. “Well, what I’ve heard so far.”

Yoongi let out a breathy chuckle, flattening a palm on your lower back. “Thank you, Kid.”

“No need to thank me, I’m just being honest.”

“No, thank you for always supporting me. In everything,” he clarified, emotion thick in his voice.

You lifted your head to peer at his face, catching the glassy shine in his eyes. “Always,” you assured him.

He nodded, looking at you with a soft smile. “I know,” he whispered, barely audible, giving away that he didn’t trust his voice, knowing it would break if he spoke louder. “It means- you mean the world.”

You lowered your lips to his face, giving his plush cheek a small kiss. “I never would’ve thought Agust D would be so soft after sex,” you teased with a big smile, Yoongi scoffing, though he couldn’t hold back his gummy grin.

He groaned loudly, stretching his arms over his head. “I’m starving,” he changed the topic, making you giggle.

“Well, lucky for you, your girlfriend made you a delicious nearly cooked meal that is probably very cold at this point,” you smirked.

“Oh, lucky for me?” He questioned with a small smile.

“Mhmm,” you confirmed with a small chuckle.

Yoongi sucked air between his teeth, ticking his head to the side. “Remind me to wife you up later.”

You scoffed playfully, rolling off his body as you prepared to stand up and find some clothes. “In your dreams, Min.”

Scooping your t-shirt off the floor, you slipped it over your head before grabbing a pair of panties from your dresser drawer, all while Yoongi’s eyes followed your every move. Sending your boyfriend an air kiss from where he sat at the edge of the bed watching you, you walked toward the bedroom door. “Hurry up and get dressed, Gramps, I need your album commentary.”

You exited the room, turning toward the bathroom to clean yourself up. Yoongi shook his head with a chuckle. “Yeah, in my dreams,” he mumbled as he stood up to get dressed. Taking his sweet ass time, you walked back past the bedroom toward the kitchen, noticing him still stumbling around for a shirt.

“Hey, hustle, Min! I still have a music video to watch, my dude!” You called out to him as he looked to you with widened eyes. “Your shirt is out here, by the way.”

“Ah, what did I tell you about patience,” he whined out, a pout on his lips as he walked through the hallway, grabbing his shirt on his way, feeling full of appreciation and adoration for you.

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chrizbang · 3 years

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Pairing: Bang Chan x female reader

Genre: Romance, eventual smut, slow burn

Warnings: Idol!Chan, awkward date, mentions of food, suggestive (just a mention of penis, lol)

Word count: 1.702

Chapters: 1, 2

"Are you an idol?"

"What are you going to wear?" Mia asked. She was sitting on your bed, next to a pile of clothes. You were trying to choose the perfect outfit but nothing looked good enough. Yeah, you were panicking. "I don't know," you whined, defeated. "Why don't you wear a cute dress? Like this one?" Mia raised a white tight dress in the air.

"Mia, it's a date at his house. I need to wear something casual but it still needs to make me look hot. I need new clothes." "Nope." Mia got up, gathering some clothes from the mess on your bed. "You need to get your shit together. Here." She handed you a white long sleeve shirt and a leather skirt that made your ass look amazing. "Use it with some vans and boom! Hot and cozy." "I think that will do." "And for your make-up?" "I want something soft since I'm only going to his house." "Makes sense. Get ready already so I can take you there." "Are you really going to do this for me, bestie?" You made a silly face. Mia rolled her eyes. "Just get dressed."

Mia stopped her car at the address that Chan sent you. She asked you if you wanted her to get you when you left, but you assured her that you would take an uber. On the way, you messaged Chan telling him that you were close. When you arrived, he was waiting for you at the door. "Hi," you waved at him. For a moment you realized that you looked like an excited teenager and you had to fight the urge to laugh at yourself. "Hey," Chan smiled and hugged you. It was a quick hug but it was enough to make you feel your legs shaking. "Come in," he said. You noticed how that the place looked big, it was well decorated but simple, nothing fancy. "So, remember the guys you saw at the restaurant with me?" Chan asked, standing next to the door with you. He helped you to take your coat off so he could hang it on the coat rack. "Yes, I do." "We live together. I asked them to leave, so it's just the two of us." "Oh," you widened your eyes. "Okay." "I-It's not what you're thinking though. It's just so we could have privacy." He raised his hands, trying to defend himself. "It's okay," you laughed. "I think it's for the best. I would probably feel really embarrassed around a bunch of boys I don't know." Both of you stayed there for a moment, avoiding each other's eyes, not knowing what to say. Chan was wearing a white t-shirt that looked really good on him and some jeans. His hair was way too styled up for someone who was staying at home. "It's there something burning?" you asked. "Oh, shit!" Chan ran to the kitchen, trying to save something that was inside of the oven. "Oh, fuck," he complained while he put it on the balcony. Whatever that was, it was not edible anymore. "What was that?" you asked him. "I wanted to do something different for our date so I tried to cook a pie. But it clearly didn't work." You laughed out loud, throwing your head back. "I'm sorry, Chan," you said, crying because of how much you were laughing. Chan smiled, feeling satisfied by hearing you laugh. "It's okay," he giggled. "I guess we'll have to order takeout." "Sounds good to me," you chuckled, cleaning your tears. Chan ordered fast food. You were eating it in the kitchen with him but you couldn't help but notice the poorly placed curtain at the end of the kitchen. You laughed. "What?" Chan asked, his mouth full of food. "Nothing," you said. "Hey, I wanted to ask you something. It's okay if you don't want to talk about it." Chan raised his eyebrow. "What is it?" "Are you an idol?" Chan widened his eyes, choking on his food. He grabbed a cup of juice to help him out. After taking two big sips and clearing his throat, he started to talk. "Uhm, yes, I'm an idol,” his voice was low almost like he was telling you a secret. "That's very nice, Chan." "Sorry for not telling you." He looked worried. "It's just that things are way more complicated when it comes to relationships when you are an idol, and-" "Look," you interrupted him. "You don't have to explain yourself. It's not like you were hiding that you were married with kids." Chan laughed, feeling relieved. "Your friends, they are also part of the group, right?" "Yes. I'm the leader," Chan said with a soft smile and pride in his expression. Chan talked about the group, their hardships, and the members. You could see the love in his eyes when he talked about them. He clearly was passionate about it. He assured you that he would introduce you to them the next time. "So there will be a next time?" you purred. "If you want to." He smiled and you felt your heart skip a beat. "I would love to."

"There something..." Chan said, pointing to your mouth. "What?" "There something on your mouth." "Here?" you asked, touching the right corner of your mouth. "Here," Chan reached to your mouth, cleaning it with his thumb. You knew that your cheeks were bright red. You chuckled, lowering your head and looking at your food. "Thank you," you whispered. "You look really cute when you're shy," Chan teased. "Stop," you laughed, hiding your face with your hands. "Don't act like you're not shy too." "I am," Chan agreed, shaking his head and licking his lips. "It's been a while since the last time I had a date. I don't really have much free time." He looked thoughtful. You noticed that he was trying to be careful with his words. Maybe he didn't want to scare you away. "I can imagine." "To be honest, I wasn't even looking for a date. But when I saw you..." Chan stopped and looked at you, his eyes were shining bright, his cheeks red and the cute dimples were prominent on his face while he smiled. "I don't know. You are something else." "Chan, stop." You closed your eyes, not knowing how to deal with his compliments. "You barely know me." "That's why we are on a date, right? I want to know everything about you." You smiled. Maybe he was just being a philanderer. But the way he looked at you made you feel like he was being honest. You and Chan talked a lot. He wasn't joking when he said that he wanted to know everything about you. He asked about your work, your family, your friends, your dreams, the things you liked to do. He listened to you with so much attention and care that you didn't even notice that it was late.

"I think I should get going," you said, the disappointment of leaving was very clear in your voice.

"Really?" Chan pouted. "Yeah, I have to work tomorrow." "Okay," Chan got up to get your coat. "Thank you for coming, I had a lot of fun today." "Thank you for having me," you said, following him. "I'm sorry for not being able to take you home." "Chan, don't worry about it." Chan locked eyes with you. You saw his eyes wandering for a moment to your lips while he licked his. You felt like you were going to faint if he didn't do something. Should you kiss him? Was he going to kiss you? You weren't able to know the answer because somebody opened the door, startling both of you. "Oh, hey. Sorry, I forgot about your date," a tall man said. "Y/N, this is Hyunjin, Hyunjin, this is Y/N," Chan said, his lips distorting in a way that showed that he was upset for being interrupted. "Nice to meet you," you giggled. "Nice to meet you too." "I have to go," you said, walking through them to the door. "Text me when you get home, okay?" Chan asked. "Sure! Bye." You waved at him and left. While you were walking away, you were pretty sure you heard Chan saying something like "I could have kissed her if it wasn't for you" to Hyunjin. You laughed.

"How was it?" you heard Mia asking through your phone. You threw yourself on the bed, sighing. "It was amazing." "Don't fall in love, girl. It was just one date." "I'm not in love." You rolled your eyes. "But it's impossible not to be amazed by him." "Did he kissed you?" "No. I think he was about to but somebody else came home and I left." "I can't believe you ran away," Mia mocked you. "I didn't run away, Mia. I just... I don't know, I'm too shy about this. I'm not bold like you" you scoffed. "t's okay, baby. I still love you even though you are a little chicken." You rolled your eyes again. Suddenly, you heard the ringtone of your phone indicating that you had a message. It was from Chan. "Wait, hold on. I'll call you later, I just got a message from Chan." "I hope it is a picture of his big cock." "Mia!" you laughed. "Bye." "Bye, girl." You opened the text to see what Chan sent to you. Chan, 10:32 pm: Hey Chan, 10:32 pm: I was wondering if you wanna come over to watch a movie Chan, 10:32 pm: When you are free Y/N, 10:32 pm: yeah, sure Y/N, 10:33 pm: I would love to Chan, 10:33 pm: Okay then Chan, 10:33 pm: I'll introduce you to my friends Chan, 10:34 pm: But I need to warn you that they are very loud Y/N, 10:35 pm: that sounds fun Y/N, 10:37 pm: I need to warn you that I might stay a little shy for a while Chan, 10:38 pm: It's okay Chan, 10:38 pm: You can hold my hand if you want Chan, 10:38 pm: You know, just to help you overcome your shyness Y/N, 10:38: I would love to You smiled and went to sleep, excited for your next date with Chan.

A/N: Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed. Sorry for kissblocking the caracthers (idk if this is a term, lol).

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givemethatgold · 4 years

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Fix’er Upper Pt. 3

Pairing: Eventual Frankie Morales x F!Reader Warnings: Clumsy injury, more stupid fighting Length: 2.5k Notes: If these two dummies could have one (1) adult conversation they’d be in bed together by now. Instead, we get this! *waves around vaguely*

PART ONE, TWO

Money was tight. You had been trying to ignore the dwindling stack of cash, telling yourself that you didn’t actually need to fix the cracked drywall, replace the old oven, or fill in the missing patches of shingles.

That ignorance had finally come to bite you in the butt. You were rudely woken at three a.m. to the clap of thunder and the pat-pat-pat of rain hitting the house. You loved storms, the excitement of the lighting, and how fresh the air smelled once the rain had passed.

You rolled over onto your back so you could watch the lightning flashing between the cracks of your curtains. A tap on your forehead quickly destroyed the excitement you were feeling. The wet ‘splat’ was quickly followed by another, and another, and before you were able to scramble up and search for the closest thing resembling a bucket, it had turned into a steady stream.

“Fuuuuuuuck!”

The next morning, the sun rose and shed its light upon a beautiful scene. The leaves, now free from dust, were beginning to turn, the grass glimmered with raindrops, and the sky was clear. You, on the other hand, were a verifiable disaster.

Hair unkempt, heavy bags under your eyes, and wearing the first items of clothing you could find in your scramble last night. Your exhaustion was so complete, it hadn’t even dawned on you to change or freshen up a bit before going out into the public eye. All you could focus on was getting to Hank’s Hardware and buying all the shingles you could get your hands on.

Once again, however, you were harshly reminded of your dwindling savings and just how expensive fixing up a house could be. The owner, Allan if you remembered correctly, had shown you the right size and style for your home’s roof and you nearly choked at the price.

“You know,” he had said gently, “we do have the option of a payment plan. I don’t let just anyone use it either. It’s for trusted customers. I have a good gut on who I can trust.”

“Really?” You asked, feeling a little pathetic while also knowing now was not the time to let pride ruin such a good thing. “And, um, what does your gut tell you about me?”

“Welllll,” he smiled, hooking his thumbs into his suspenders and leaning back a little to size you up. “You’re hard-working, feel like you have something to prove, won’t back down from a challenge, and are in way over your head with that damn old house.”

“Oh.”

“No offense, ma’am! Sometimes I forget myself and talk to strangers the same way I’d talk to my friends.” He patted your forearm gently then hooked it back into his suspenders, pretending he didn’t notice you jumping at the physical contact. “But it’s true. No denying you won’t be able to shingle all by yourself. I’d offer, but I’m in no shape to be climbing up roofs.”

“That’s very sweet of you, truly. But I’ll manage! I doubt I could afford a handyman, so it’ll be me and my stubborn self scrambling around up there.” You joked, but it fell a little flat since the both of you knew it was the truth.

“I’ve got an idea...” Hank trailed off, his gaze searching around by the till. “Maybe you two can help each other out?” He fiddled at the computer for a minute, then grabbed a flyer from the corkboard mounted behind the counter before handing you two pieces of paper. One was a receipt of what you owed him after this latest excursion and a detailed timeline of when small payments could be made.

Glancing up at him, you gave him a watery smile and thanked him for being so kind. Allan waved you off and pointed to the second paper.

‘Help Wanted’ it read, ‘Morales Acres. Light physical labour, quiet environment, rate of pay dependent on quality of work.’

“So friendly and welcoming,” you murmured, sarcastically, under your breath. Not quietly enough though because Allan snorted out a laugh and agreed that the ad was worded very abruptly. However, he vetted for the owner of the farm and suggested you head over to see if he would be willing to trade labour for labour.

Or at the very least, you thought, pay you so you can afford a roofer.

Following the directions Allan had provided for you, you quickly found Morales Acres. Surprisingly, it was a very short distance from your own home, making you wonder if the owner had been one of the people to drop by during your first weeks here.

The driveway was a beautiful, winding drive. The view of the farm was obscured by thickets of trees on either side of the road but you managed to catch glimpses of a pond and a few bales of hay before rounding a bend and driving into the yard.

A small gasp left your lips at the sight. It was picturesque! Something out of a travel magazine, or on every city girl’s Pinterest board. The driveway came to an end in front of a statuesque barn painted in the classic red and white, stone walls cordoned off certain areas that, from where you sat, looked like they could be used to house sheep or hens. A few small sheds were lined up along the other edge of the yard but the main attraction was the neatly lined rows of apple trees all heavy with fruit.

Climbing out of the cab, you slowly made your way into the yard with your mouth hanging open dumbly. It was just so peaceful here and it was obvious that the owner cared deeply for the property. You were enchanted and fell immediately in love.

“You must be the help Allan called to say he was sending over,” a warm voice rang out.

Looking around for the source your gaze widened, then immediately hardened, when you caught sight of who was talking to you.

“You!”

“You?!”

To say it had been a smooth business agreement would be a total lie. You and Market Asshole, Frankie you reminded yourself to call him, had bickered back and forth for the better part of an hour before shaking hands. Surprisingly, you had both argued more for the other person’s benefit, something you had been mulling over since.

If this guy was such an ass, why was he also acting like his help with your renovations wouldn’t be worth as much as you picking apples? You knew your presence disturbed his peace, and that you weren’t as strong as he might have hoped his helper would be, and he still hadn’t trusted you with all the workings of his orchard.

So, while you weren’t going to argue anymore, you knew you were getting the better end of the deal: you help him gather his harvest and get it safely stored in the barn, then he spends the same amount of hours helping you. While the weather during September was prone to drizzle, you had convinced him that a tarp thrown over the baldest patches of roof would be fine and that the apples couldn’t wait.

He had grumpily conceded your point but had sworn that as soon as the last of the fruit was picked he’d be over to do a proper job of it. So continued the uneasy truce between the two of you for the past four weeks. The first week was the hardest as your hands, unaccustomed to work, blistered, and your muscles ached from sudden use. You had initially tried to pass the time by making conversation but you got the hint and stayed quiet once Frankie started choosing trees farther and farther from yours.

Slowly, however, the blisters healed and gave way to callouses. Your muscles became accustomed to the work and you were able to carry twice the amount as you had started off with. Your home could now boast electricity and running water everywhere it should be, and the pile of discarded furniture had been reduced to ash by a spectacular bonfire which Jacquie and her family had joined you in admiring.

Today started off as a normal day. You showed up for harvesting at the break of dawn, having discovered you much preferred the cool morning air over being up on a ladder with the midday sun beating down on you. The trees were obscured by a low fog that had yet to burn up, but you knew what section you needed to start on.

Enjoying the way the fog enveloped you, making you feel like you were in a magical world, you began to hum and your steps took on a dreamy dance-like quality. You had never taken lessons or had even been allowed to make such a spectacle of yourself while living with Brad but now you felt free enough to spin, twirl, and glide. Overcome with the joy your freedom gave you, you began to belt out “These Are a Few of my Favourite Things”, The Sound of Music having been played on repeat when you were a child.

Once you reached the ladder, you hoisted the basket onto your back and continued to sing whatever songs you could remember while you worked. A particularly boisterous rendition of “Do Re Mi” had you flinging your arm out wide and leaning back on the ladder for a dramatic finish.

The apples threw you off balance.

With a screech, you fell backward, managing to twist yourself around to land awkwardly on your hands and knees instead of on the basket of apples strapped to your back. You seemed to have come away unscathed, with just scratched knees and a throbbing in one wrist. Thankfully it wasn’t your dominant hand.

“Whoa!” Frankie called out, catching sight of you on the ground with the ladder tipped on its side, “Everything okay? Are you okay?”

Coming to a skidding stop next to you, he grasped the basket and slipped it off your back with ease.

You took a few deep breaths and nodded. “Fine! Fine, just bruised knees and ego...” you assured him.

“What were you thinking?!” He tore into you, “You could have broken your neck! Or ruined a whole barrel of apples! Then what would I do?! This job doesn’t come with health insurance for Christ's sakes!” Running his hands through his curly, brown hair he let out a huff of air and walked over to where your ladder lay on the ground.

“Un-be-fucking-lievable!” You called out, incredulously. While trying to get to your feet, to march over and wag your finger in his face, you put too much pressure on your injured wrist that caused pain to scream down your arm.

You managed to mask the cry of pain as a cry of frustration and got to your feet. Surreptitiously cradling your hand against your chest, you grabbed another basket and walked past Frankie to start climbing the ladder again. Looking at the ground so he wouldn’t see the tears of pain in your eyes, you mumbled, “I’ll be more careful, alright? I’m sorry.”

Stopping your ascent with a hand on your arm he stuttered out what might have been the beginning of an apology but he couldn’t quite seem to put the right words together so he just cleared his throat.

“Just...” he said in a much softer tone, “just be more careful. Okay? I can’t lose my best worker.”

The lame joke made you smile despite yourself.

“Employee of the month,” you replied in a dry tone, “hurrah.”

You shared wry smiles while a silent apology passed between the two of you. His dark brown eyes held a warmth to them you had never noticed before. Their hue reminding you of every tree in the orchard from the early light to the sunset, golden flecks reminiscent of the sun. His face, weathered from so much time spent outdoors, was marked with laugh lines, worry lines, and a small scar gracing his left cheek.

Your eyes wandered past the scar to note how long his scruffy facial hair had grown and how it had started to obscure those pleasantly pouty lips.

Then, with a start, you realized you were staring at this infuriating man’s lips like a hormonal teenager. With an embarrassed squeak, you quickly scurried up the ladder, hooking your elbow around each rung to avoid any more pressure on your wrist.

To say Frankie was coping well with having someone around would be a gross overstatement.

It’s not that he didn’t like the company or wanted to be alone. The problem was that he was starting to like her company too much, to care too much. And caring too much had been the root cause of all Frankie’s sorrows.

First, there had been his Dad, trying to impress the man who never even wanted kids. Then the force, always feeling like he needed to prove himself and desperate for praise. After that was his wife, ex-wife, and trying to be someone he wasn’t so she would stay interested and in love. The pressure created by caring about these people and the expectations they had for him drove him to abuse drugs. Then his friends came calling and Frankie went against his gut because they had cared so deeply about something and he had cared deeply for them.

His wife, his kid, his family, his job, his friends. He had cared more than they did and he had come away worse off. At least now he was clean and sober, and was very aware of the irony of him now making and selling an alcoholic drink.

No, it was best to stay alone. He loved too freely and put too much stock in being loved back and every. single. time. it hurt him.

So, he closed himself off from you. Initially, he didn’t think it was going to be an issue, especially considering how you two had met. But then he found himself smiling at your stories, idly leaning against a branch so he could watch your graceful moments. He hated watching you leave, knowing you were going home to that piece of shit house that he should really be fixing up for you.

He recognized the signs and nipped them in the bud; working farther away, replying to questions with the fewest possible words, focusing purely on work, and maintaining a professional relationship. It pained him to push you away but deep down he knew it was best for the both of you.

Which brings him back to this moment.

Frankie was too stunned to notice your awkward climb up the ladder. Standing there, dumbly, for another few seconds. Wondering, all the way back to the idling tractor, what the hell had just happened.

One minute he was just driving the tractor minding his own business and the next he was having a mild heart attack after seeing his only worker laying limp on the ground. Then, after arguing like usual, you had shared a...a moment and stared at his mouth almost long enough to tempt him to use it.

Part Four

If you’d like to be tagged please send an ask!

@rebelliouscat @pedro4ever @speakerforthedead0 @yespolkadotkitty @ilikechocolatemilkh @weirdowithnobeardo @pedro-pastel @disgruntledspacedad @a-skov @trash-dino-5000 @reader-s-cantina

#Fix'er Upper #Frankie Morales x reader #Frankie Catfish Morales x reader #Catfish x reader #catfish x you #Frankie Morales x you #triple frontier fanfiction #Frankie Catfish Morales fanfiction

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beifongsss · 4 years

Text

playing with fire pt. 6 [sokka]

Pairing: Sokka x reader

Summary: You’re a Fire Nation citizen who saves Sokka and Katara from some angry villagers. Aang “convinces” you to come along with them, finding your knowledge of the nation useful. Not everything is smooth sailing though as both Water Tribe siblings have their doubts about you.

this will be a series :D this is a filler tbh

w.c.~2.9k

prologue. one. two. three. four. five.

.masterlist.

They reacted instantaneously.

In unison, Aang and Katara gasped, their jaws hanging as they stared at you. Sokka’s eyes widened as he took multiple steps back, trying to put as much distance as possible between the two of you. Your heart dropped slightly at their reactions, noticing the distrust that was beginning to creep into their eyes.

Toph was the only one who didn’t react.

“You mean you dunderheads didn’t know?” she cried out, a disbelieving expression on her face. You all turned to her, curious expressions on your face. Even though she couldn’t see you, she knew you were all staring at her confusedly.

“You did?” Aang asked, looking at Toph suspiciously.

“Yes! Why else would my parents get all weird and proper around her?” Toph replied. “Besides, the name (Y/N) isn’t exactly the most common. I knew she had to be the Princess. Why do you think I’ve been calling her ‘Princess’?! Haven’t you ever seen a portrait of the royal family?”

Silence ensued as the Gaang realized that they had, in fact, never seen a picture of the Fire Nation royal family. In Aang’s defense, he had been gone for an exceptionally long time and there were no pictures of the family down in the South Pole. They all shifted their gazes back to you, now a little more curious than distrustful.

“So you’re a princess?” Aang asked, trying to wrap his head around the news. You nodded silently. “Then why are you here with us?”

“It’s a long story,” you whispered, looking back down at the ground.

“Well we have time so start talking,” Katara said brusquely. You sighed softly, motioning for everyone to sit with you. Katara looked at you weirdly, crossing her arms stubbornly before gaping as Aang and Sokka took seats near you.

“Aw loosen up, Sugar Queen,” Toph said, smirking as she took a seat next to you. “If she tries anything it's four against one. Let’s hear her out first.”

Begrudgingly, Katara sat down, making sure she was right in front of you just in case. Her eyes narrowed before she tilted her head, silently telling you to start talking. “I was born in 83 AG to Fire Lord Ozai and Princess Ursa. My mom used to tell me it was a blessed day because she was gifted with not one but two angels. Me and Zuko.”

Sokka let out a choked gasp at your words, looking at you in disbelief. “Y-You mean you and Zuko are t-twins?”

You nodded softly. “I was born twenty minutes before him, making me the crown princess. Two years later, Azula was born and our family was complete. For the first few years of my life, we were a happy family. And then we got our firebending.”

Aang’s eyebrows furrowed at your words. “You got your firebending?”

“Yes,” you replied, nodding again. “I was the first one to show the signs of being able to firebend. My first display of fire terrified everyone. Fire Lord Azulon declared me a prodigy and I immediately began training with both my fire and a sword. When Zuko showed signs of firebending, he joined me but it was clear that he wasn’t a prodigy and so Ozai separated us, claiming that he’d only be a distraction for me. Zuko and I had always been very close but that definitely messed us up.”

“Fire Lord Azulon?” Toph asked, snorting lightly. “Why don’t you just call him ‘grandfather’?”

You shook your head, forgetting that she couldn’t see it. “That man wasn’t my grandfather; at least he never acted like it. The only reason he liked me is because I was talented. He didn’t even like Ozai. He always preferred Uncle Iroh.”

“Iroh?” Aang asked. “What do you mean?”

“I’m not supposed to be crown princess. Iroh was the original crown prince, not Ozai,” you explained. “When I was young, we received a letter from Uncle Iroh. Back then, he was still a general and his goal was to take over the city of Ba Sing Se. He told us about how his son, my cousin, Lu Ten was killed in battle. Overcome with grief, Uncle Iroh ceased his 600 day siege and left. He traveled around, not ready to come back to the Fire Nation or return to battle. It was during this time that Ozai requested an audience with Fire Lord Azulon to make an impossible request.”

Katara looked at you, a little concerned at the expression that had made its way onto your face.

“It started off normally. He had Azula and I show off how far we had gone with our bending. Fire Lord Azulon eventually dismissed us all except for Ozai,” you took a soft breath before continuing. “Azula and I hid behind the curtains, curious about what Ozai wanted to say. He- He asked Fire Lord Azulon for the throne, claiming that since Uncle Iroh had lost his only son, he needed someone with an heir in charge. Azulon was furious and told Ozai that he would never betray his first born who in turn had just lost his first born. He told Ozai that he needed to feel Uncle Iroh’s pain and commanded him to kill his first born.”

Shocked gasps rang from the group. Even Toph couldn’t hold back her surprise.

“He ordered your father to kill you?” Katara asked, sadness creeping into her eyes. You nodded.

“Azula and I ran out of there and she immediately began to terrorize Zuko, knowing that there was no way that Ozai would kill me,” you continued. “I was his pride and joy, a ruthless firebender. Unfortunately, Zuko wasn’t. He was soft and sweet and so, so pure. In Ozai’s eyes, he was weak. It wasn’t until a few years later that I learned that Ozai thought about a ‘loophole’, asking Fire Lord Azulon if it mattered which of his first borns met their end. Azulon waved him off, stating that he didn’t care for either of us. The next night, Fire Lord Azulon died in his sleep and our mother disappeared.”

The silence was almost unbearable and you looked up to meet Aang and Katara’s pity-filled eyes. Toph was abnormally serious and Sokka wasn’t meeting your eyes. You continued to speak, wanting to fill the silence.

“Ozai took the throne, claiming that Fire Lord Azulon’s last wish was for Iroh to be stripped of his title. That’s how I became crown princess.” You paused for a bit, sighing heavily. It felt good to finally tell someone about everything. “To this day, we still don’t know what happened to our mother. Zuko took it the hardest, of course. He spent the most time with her. Azula, well she was a different story. She was convinced that our mother never loved her. I tried my best to be there for both of them but we all changed. Azula and I threw ourselves into our firebending lessons and Zuko took it upon himself to start learning about our military forces. By thirteen, I was already working on bending lightning. I was one of the youngest firebenders to ever do that but losing my mother had made me more reckless and aggressive and firebending was the perfect outlet. I was the perfect weapon and Ozai knew it.”

You paused for a few seconds, wondering if you should continue. Sighing yet again, you continued to speak. “When Zuko and I were thirteen, everything just got worse. By this point, I rarely saw him. Azula was getting more and more aggressive as time went on and honestly, so was I. I had mastered almost all aspects of firebending, except for lightning, and I had mastered sword fighting. And then Zuko got challenged to an Agni Kai.”

Everyone except for Aang seemed confused, prompting you to explain.

“An Agni Kai is a firebending duel. It stops once someone gets burned,” you said somberly. “It turns out that in one of the war meetings, a general proposed a plan to take over an Earth Kingdom town that would result in the deaths of an untrained Fire Nation battalion. Zuko said that leading them to death was wrong. The very own nation that they loved would be leading them straight to the slaughter. He called the general out on his tactics and accepted the Agni Kai when the general challenged him.”

“Zuko did that?” Sokka asked skeptically. “He tried to save the soldiers?”

“He wasn’t always mean,” you replied, chuckling humorlessly. “During the Agni Kai, I was sitting between Azula and Uncle Iroh. We were all watching anxiously as Zuko approached his opponent. You can only imagine the shock we felt when his opponent was revealed to be Ozai, not the general.”

“No!” Katara gasped, her hands coming up to cover her mouth. You didn’t meet her gaze.

“When he noticed it was...our father, Zuko threw himself to the ground, begging for mercy and forgiveness and stating that he would not fight Ozai.” You shook your head, trying to blink back the tears that had welled up. “Ozai said he had to learn respect. He said that by speaking out of turn, he had insulted him as a parent. When Zuko refused, he said he was dishonorable and that he was going to teach him a lesson. That’s how he got his scar. He was immediately banished, sent on a quest to find the Avatar and capture him. Only then could he regain his honor and reclaim his title as prince.”

“But the Avatar had been missing for nearly one hundred years!” Katara said, looking at you in confusion.

“I know,” you replied. “He wasn’t supposed to find Aang. Ever. Zuko left and Uncle Iroh joined him in his banishment. I didn’t do anything.”

“What do you mean?” Aang asked.

“I mean I didn’t do anything!” you shouted, a tear spilling out of your eye. “I’m his older sister. I’m supposed to protect him! And I didn’t do anything. Spirits, you should’ve seen Azula’s face during the Agni Kai. She had the biggest smile on her face. Uncle Iroh looked away but I… I just couldn’t. I couldn’t move. I froze. And I couldn’t save him.”

“Ozai would’ve burned you too,” Aang said softly, his eyes wide. “You can’t blame yourself for what happened.”

You sniffled, wiping your nose with your sleeve and ignoring Aang’s words. “After his banishment, I lost my bending.”

“How does one just lose their bending?” Toph asked loudly, earning an elbow to the stomach from Katara.

“I don’t know,” you replied quietly, hugging your knees to your chest. “Seeing Zuko getting hurt was rough for me. It didn’t matter that we were separated from a young age. We would always sneak out to the kitchens together to steal snacks and stay up late just playing around. He was my best friend. I just woke up the next morning and my spark was gone. I haven’t been able to bend in three years.”

Aang looked at you sadly. You were his friend and your sadness was so overwhelming that he couldn’t help but feel sad as well.

“Ozai was furious when he found out,” you whispered, rolling up your pant leg to show an ugly scar on your calf. “He did this and then he made me focus on my fighting, giving everyone some bullshit excuse about how I wanted to prove that I was just as capable at fighting without my fire. Azula never found out.”

You raised your head slightly, ignoring everyone’s horror-filled glances as you met Sokka’s bright blue eyes. “Not everything I told you was a lie. When Ozai thought I was old enough, he sent me into battle. He didn’t care if I lived or died. To him it was a win-win situation. Without my bending, he didn’t really see any use for me but if I survived, he still had an heir. I was sent to a small Earth Kingdom battle, led by the same general who had challenged Zuko to an Agni Kai. I took the chance to escape during battle.”

Sokka looked away from you, his jaw clenched and his expression hard.

“I ran when I was fourteen. I searched for my brother, always getting their trail but never being able to catch up to them. Eventually I just stopped.” You stretched your legs, looking back down at the ground. “I settled into a small Fire Nation colony, doing little errands for the old ladies who lived there. When I gained their trust, they vouched for me and I was able to live there peacefully. No one argued with them because they respected them too much. After a few months, you guys came crashing in and the rest is history.

The Gaang exchanged unreadable looks before Katara turned back to face you. “How do we know we can truly trust you?”

You pondered on her question for a few seconds, opening your mouth to speak before you were beaten to the punch by Aang.

“I trust her.”

The group went completely silent at the Air Nomad’s words. Sokka kept his gaze down as Katara gave Aang an incredulous look.

“But she’s Fire Nation!” Katara cried out. “She’s Fire Nation royalty and she’s been hiding that from us. For all we know she’s trying to capture you to help her brother!”

“She already had so many chances to do that, Katara,” Aang said patiently, shooting you a soft smile. “She’s proven time and time again that she’s on our side. She even fought both Zuko and Azula! She’s saved your life multiple times as well! So yes, she has my complete trust.”

Tears welled up in your eyes at Aang’s words and you smiled through the tears when Aang got up and gave you a hug.

“I want her to stay with us,” Aang said. “Besides, you’re right. She’s from the Fire Nation which means that she has insider knowledge.”

You chuckled at his words, nodding along as you glanced at Katara. The Water Tribe girl bit her lip before speaking, knowing that Aang was right. “Alright, Aang. I trust you. But if she does anything that I find weird, I won’t hesitate to bring her down.”

Aang frowned at her words before looking at you. You nodded in agreement, silently assuring the Air Nomad that Katara’s words were reasonable. The tense atmosphere was broken when Toph yawned loudly, stretching before speaking. “Okay now that we all know about Princess over here, can we please get some sleep?”

The rest of the group nodded in agreement and you helped set up the tent and sleeping bags, smiling lightly when you noticed Toph and Katara settle in next to each other. You noticed that Sokka was still sitting a little bit aways and you walked over to him slowly, trying to ignore the curious glances from Aang and Katara.

“Hey,” you said softly, standing next to him. Sokka didn’t reply. “We have the tent all s-”

“Were you ever gonna tell me?” Sokka asked roughly, standing up quickly. His sudden movement took you by surprise, causing you to stumble back a bit.

“S-Sokka, I-”

“Or was I just supposed to be happy with the lies you were telling me?” he snapped, cutting your words off. “Because it seems to me like you weren’t planning on telling us the truth anytime soon.”

You stood silently as Sokka spoke, your mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. Aang looked away from the two of you as Katara swallowed nervously. Sokka was being a little too rough with you.

“We were perfectly fine before you came alone, Your Highness,” Sokka sneered, giving you a steely gaze. “We didn’t need you.”

You reached out, softly placing your hand on Sokka’s arm. “I’m sorry, Sokka. I really am, but you have to understand that-”

“Understand what?” Sokka yelled, pushing your hand off of his arm. He underestimated his strength, pushing you harder than he meant to and knocking you down. You could hear a soft gasp from Aang. “Just leave us alone.”

“Sokka, stop!” Katara cried out, rushing over to help you up. Sokka’s gaze softened for a fraction of a second as he noticed your distraught face.

“No, it’s okay,” you whispered, gently brushing off Katara’s help and standing on your own. The silence was almost overwhelming as everyone watched you walk over to the large pile of rocks. You climbed to the top, sitting before turning to address Aang. “You all go to sleep. I’ll take the first watch.”

Aang opened his mouth to argue and state that you all needed the rest before noticing the way Katara shook her head. There was a new kind of tension in the air, namely between you and Sokka. Katara was the first to fall asleep, closely followed by Toph and Sokka. Aang laid on the hard ground as quietly as he could, trying to ignore the sniffles that were coming from your direction because he knew you just wanted to be left alone.

And just like that, the blooming romance between you and Sokka had been crushed before it ever began.

taglist!

atla: @musicalkeys, @mywigglybaby, @aangsupremacy, @iguessthefloorislava, @dekahg, @boxofteenageideas, @bottledcostcowater, @butterflycore, @coldlilheart, @the-firebender-girl, @ajediherowitchrunner, @lammello, @a----rag, @astroninaaa, @samsmultifandomblogs, @sadskater25, @oddment-niwit-blubber-tweak, @eternallyvenus, @emberislandplayers, @sunflowerazula, @moonnei, @stilllivindue2spite, @knaite-solo, @riespage, @wastelandbbyg, @edgy-hufflepuff-bro

pwf: @ilovespideyyy, @binaryssunsets, @existing-but-nonexistent, @milk-n-cheese, @itsthatsadbitch, @nin-tendou, @honey-ruel, @reclusive-chicken-nugget, @teenbiology, @davnwillcome, @fandomarchiveilyd, @minninugget, @sukifans, @nugget-barnes, @vintageroses1014516, @donteatmycookiesplease, @fanficdepot, @birdlovinghyena, @cipheress-to-k-pop, @my–shitty–art, @woohoney, @castalette, @lozzybowe, @spacelesbianfanclub, @macymafia, @deadsunflower01, @olsenholic, @thia-aep, @loganrwebb, @porkbumh, @awkwardnesshabitat, @romanticraccoon, @jackbamexpress, @marievanleeuw, @lunariasilver, @francesciak, @alive-ahahah-fuk, @reillykwatson, @naanlianid, @on-jah-bruh

#sokka x reader #atla sokka x reader #sokka #atla sokka #aang #katara #toph #toph beifong #avatar #avatar: tla #avatar: the last airbender #avatar x reader #atla #atla x reader #zuko #prince zuko #fire lord zuko #sokka imagine #atla sokka imagine

643 notes · View notes

dspd · 4 years

Text

ypu can thank @sokka-with-his-hair-down for the following word vomit with a lil jinzula content

just saw a jinzula reference and now I'm thinking about Azula being released from Fire Nation's version of a psych ward and going to get rehabilitated with Iroh in Ba Sing Se and Jin just being a cutie and helping the heck outta her until Azula is like...oh no I have feelings for a pleb what do I dooooo????

-----

okay so like...after the comet Azula's held in luxury as doctors try to help her. Zuko visits every day, staying as long as a young ruler can, only leaving on the bad days when she's starts to lose control, her guards handlers hurrying away when items go flying or her face twists in rage, screaming familiar insults fed by fear and the ghost of Ozai's upbringing. Eventually she regains some balance, Zuko's unwavering support and the calming repetition of her now hobby, tea making, the rocks that she clings to when she feels herself slipping. She quickly learns the palace holds too many triggers as she's allowed to venture beyond her suite, two guards following too close behind as she wanders the halls. She feels lost, more like an intruder in this remodeled building that somehow stills rakes her over and leaves her soul bleeding.

She walks past the pond Zuko and Mother loved and tears up when she sees the turtle ducks have returned. It's a tiny feeling but she can't control herself and turns away.

She wanders down a servant's corridor and remembers the one time she sat on Zuko, snapping sparks into his face and mocking him, repeating words Ozai had said to her, a raw, primal delightful power coursing through her, then a nugget of guilt growing when he begins to cry only to be crushed under defensiveness when Mother gathers him up, wiping his tears away...and ignores her again. She trembles and walks past quickly with a stiff legged gait, unwilling to run away yet unable to stay.

She tries not to think about whether the guards saw the tremor or whether she could look back and see contempt in their eyes.

She reaches the main doors to the Royal Hall and gasps when she remembers Mother's disappearance, Zuko's absence as he healed, then his banishment, all while Ozai tryna that gaze on her and built her up again, giving her more and more responsibility. She isn't sure if it's the remembered pride or the following memories of hiding in her bed and fear of failure that starts it but all of a sudden she's can't breathe and she's gasping, hanging onto the wall, trying to push it back, pull it inside and lock it away again and Zuko's pulling the door open, drawn by the shouting in that stupid, idiotic way of his instead of letting the guards handle it and he's pulling her in to a soft embrace that burns.

She's shuddering and sobbing and she knows it's bad because she can feel the rough fabric of Zuko's royal robes against her fingers as she clutches him, face pressed into his chest as she tries to cram her stupid, idiotic weakness into a tiny corner in the back of her head like Ozai taught her befits a royal. It doesn't work and she's overcome with the new crashing wave of frustration over her lack of control.

It's only when she feels the cool spread of that stupid bitch Katara's healing along her shoulders and neck that she manages to claw back into a semblance of who she needs to be. Those stupid hands with their stupid water bending pull her into the darkness of deep water, the overwhelming feelings floating on the surface she's sinking away from.

She's not deep enough, not numb enough, to miss the repulsive feeling when she finally looks at the guards and sees nothing but pity in the guards eyes.

So when Zuko, in that stupid, weak way of his, gently suggests she move away she's nauseatingly glad and shamefully hurt, little internal dragons that swoop and chase each other, nipping away until she's not sure of anything. She can hear him talking but it's a distant thing. She's too busy fighting the little voice in her head saying she's being abandoned again.

She wants to say it sounds like Father so she can dismiss it like she's been practicing, but it sounds too much like Mother.

Mother never lied so it must be true.

The move happens so fast that it feels like she blinks and she's standing at the entrance of Iroh's new home in the stupid city of lemming, Ba Sing Se. It’s cooler, She's kind of afraid in a new way. Mostly, she's tired.

So, so tired of being like this.

She's angry with herself next when Iroh gives her a critical glance and a tentative smile before taking her hands and welcoming her. She can't stop feeling things and even his words about starting over and reassures her that he's here for her and that he's sorry, that he feels like he abandoned her and he wants her to know that he never chose Zuko over her and he loves her very much...

That little voice changes into Zuko and Father and Ty Lee and Mai whispers to her and twists the meaning and she knows it's wrong but she's so tired of fighting it.

So she sighs and tries to smile and accepts his tea and hand holding and changes the subject.

When she finds out she'll be helping at his tea shop, she doesn't have the energy to be outraged that she, the stupid heir apparent of the Fire Nation, will be taking orders and delivering stupid, poorly brewed tea.

It's full and aggravating but she practices holding all that in. The nightmares slow, Zuko's letters reassure her, and she learns how to handle minor annoyances. She's mature enough to acknowledge she never learned how to handle them correctly the first time, something that makes her grin to herself in a moment of wry happiness. It's a bittersweet feeling and she's tired of feeling but still...it's new and exhilarating and she feels a bubble of hope in her chest.

In Ba Sing Se, she's nobody. It's oddly freeing to be Mr. Mushi's niece and her new name is nice in an unfamiliar way. She won't admit it but she likes the way the repeat customers act with her. They aren't afraid to joke with her or share a concern. A couple younger ones flirt with her and, as she peeks out from the bangs she's growing out, she's pleased it's friendly and without the teeth she came to expect from Father's generals who disagreed with her expanding military duties.

°°°

Early on, after moving in with Iroh, Azula was still prickly and unbalanced and bored out of her mind at the dull, repetitive lifestyle.

There's a quiet girl that comes in sometimes. She's soft-spoken, with a kind smile, but full of life at the same time. Azula remembers the first time she came in, greeting Iroh with a wide smile and talking to him like she's his niece, not Azula. Azula dismisses her with a sniff, turning to help another table but when Iroh sits down and shares a it with the girl, Azula can't help but sidle closer, ears straining to overhear. The girl - Jin, she later learns - had been a customer before when Iroh and Zuko had come to Ba Sing Se as refugees. No one can be so interested in her failure of an uncle so she grabs a broom and sweeps closer. When Jin asks after someone named Lee, Azula loses interest.

The girl is just another stupid commoner, obsessed with boys or whatever. Nothing interesting.

By Agni, she's so bored.

A few days later the girl returns, carrying a box filled with the local excuse of food and Azula buries her sneer of displeasure when Iroh pulls his apron off in a hurry, sliding into the booth, bald spot almost outshining like the girl's eyes.

Azula realizes she's been staring into the stupid girl's eyes and looks away. Her scowl grows as a stupid grandpa comes in with muddy shoes, ruining the floor she just finished cleaning. She stares at the tracks, hopelessness trapping her in place. The stupid grandpa doesn't even notice as he finds a seat and the hopelessness sours into bitterness.

Of course.

She's a failure, too.

A prickle between her shoulder blades warns he and she looks up. Right into Failure Iroh's stupid commoner girlfriend's gaze. They lock eyes and Azula struggles to hold it. Even if she can't be what Father raised her to be, she won't lose to this stupid smiley girl.

She can't stand it, that peculiar sensation of being watched, so she looks away. Failure Azula. Just like Iroh and Zuko and Mother. She glances back, bracing herself for the inevitable stupid judgemental look but the girl is smiling shyly at her and walking up, introducing herself and so friendly and stupidly nice. Azula's anger is simmering but she's confused and why would this girl be so nice to a stranger????

So, like her failures for family members, Azula flees.

It's not exactly an auspicious start, and Azula knows she's spiralling when she spends twenty minutes interrogating Iroh that night. What did her tell the stupid commoner? Did he ask her to approach? What does she want?

Iroh's calm at first but as Azula's voice rises and she pulls at her hair to feel something other than panic and keeps asking again and again his stupid face changes. She realizes with a start that he's seeing her for real. The rotten core of her that she's managed to hide away from even Zuko. The part of her that drove Mother away. It's written all over his stupid face.

Azula can't sit still anymore. She jumps up and is out the window in moments, shimmying down the wall and disappearing. She runs quietly, keeping to shadowy streets and inky black alleys. She's lost by the time the frenetic energy seeps out of her body, a stitch in her side forcing her to pause at a fountain for a stretch and drink.

Azula stretches out on the lip of the fountain, staring up at the stars. She used to hate the night sky. It's a visible, inevitable reminder of the Fire Nation's weakness. Her weakness. Every day, as the sun sinks below the horizon, Azula feels the fizzle of her bending wane, that hot space below and to the left of her heart cooling from hot, blue flames to red-orange fingers. It's barely more than embers in the Earth Kingdom as the days grow cooler and Azula's not sure how to feel about it.

There's a step across the courtyard and Azula's slipping down into the shadows again as two stupid lemmings approach. One is holding a torch while the other swings empty buckets. Azula frowns. Somehow the cheerfulness isn't as grading as usual. Their voices are soft in the quiet.

Azula closes her eyes and wonders if she'll ever feel half as content and comfortable as the air these two exude. There's the sound of splashes on the other side of the fountain.

One of the girls sighs. "I wish we could look at the lanterns tonight."

Only years of training lock Azula in place. It's Iroh's stupid commoner girlfriend.

The other girl laughs. "You know they're only lot for festivals, Jin."

"Except that one time," Iroh's stu- Jin replies, "I still can't believe Lee lit them."

Azula can almost smell the stupid happiness from the memory.

"Yeah, yeah. You have wierd luck with dates, I get it. Hurry up.and grab the other bucket! We still have to come back for more."

Based on the sounds, Azula can picture them struggling back the way they came.

Something makes her pause at the edge of the courtyard before leaving. She hesitates. But then she can hear the duo approaching again and she makes up her mind.

She pretends she doesn't stay long enough to hear the gasps of surprise before she hightails it out of there.

The feeling of elation that fills her chest and slides down her arms reminds her of the day she stood on the deck of a war balloon for the first time.

---

so...yeah...I wasn't planning any of this so idk where it goes but in the end Azula eventually has it bad and idk maybe Mai and Ty Lee come to visit, tentatively open to trying to be friends for real this time and, after seeing Azula's interest, Ty Lee wheedles Jin's story out of Iroh near the end of their visit. Mai's holding her face with an I can't believe this is happening expression, Iroh is concentrating too hard on his tea pot, and Azula's face is red as Ty Lee chokes out that of course Azula and Zuko would have the same taste in women.

And maybe the next day, when Jin slips her hand into Azula's while they wave goodbye, Azula looks at Jin who catches the look and smiles that smile she hated so much at first and Azula has the revelation of her life

#atla #my writing #jinzula

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staticscreenwriting · 4 years

Text

The loneliest time of the year || Part one

Part 1 of 4

Summary: With a broken heart and the fear of having failed as a father, Frankie returns to his parents house for Christmas. What is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year feels quite lonely. Though when an old friend shows up unexpectedly with her young son in tow, Frankie’s Christmas seems to gain a little more happiness. Can they help each other fight the ghosts of their pasts and overcome their fears ? A/N: This is part of my 12 days of Christmas / Advent special. Every sunday leading up to Christmas you will get another part. That’s 4 parts in total. Likes, reblogs, comments are all much appreciated.

[additional note: I am German. Sometimes I get the tense wrong or make mistakes. I am useless when it comes to punctuation. Go easy on me, please.]

Christmas time is the most depressing time of the year. Seriously, you can look that up. There’s a bunch of statistics about it and essays using long fancy words.

It’s a time that makes you so acutely aware of how lonely you actually are. And then you’re left to reflect on all the reasons why and that’s just fucking depressing.

Frankie maneuvers his car along the streets of his hometown, a light dusting of snow covers the ground and the trees to his left and right have long sharp icicles hanging from their branches like the sharp teeth of an imaginary monster that lives under your bed.

He passes by the old movie theatre, the 7/11, the diner where he got his first kiss, the red brick building that was once a printing house but has been turned into a Starbucks for some reason, and the public library that he used to volunteer at when he was in high school. There are ghosts in all the windows looking back at him. Ghosts of the boy he used to be and the memories he thought long forgotten.

This wasn’t the plan. He’s not supposed to be here. Or maybe he is. Maybe this is exactly what he deserves. To come crawling back home to mom and dad because the future he had tried so hard to build for himself came crumbling down on him in a matter of moments. And all of it is entirely his own fucking fault. If only he wasn’t such a damn mess.

“I'll have a blue Christmas without you

I'll be so blue just thinking about you.”

“Ah fuck off, Elvis!”

He turns off the radio and is left with just the quiet and his thoughts until the little blue house at the end of a cul-de-sac comes into view. This house has seen many versions of Frankie. Highs and lows. He wonders if he even knows the person he is anymore.

Across the street sits a park and then another little house, this is one red and the shutters are white and the paint is chipping. It used to sit empty for a while but there’s a car in the driveway and light coming from inside. Maybe he was wrong, maybe he isn’t the only one that changed, maybe the town did a little bit of changing too.

His mom is a hugger, always has been. Still is. At least that hasn’t changed. She has him wrapped in a warm big hug as soon as he gets out of the car. She smells the same way she did when he was a little boy. Like lavender and fresh cotton and warmth. His mom, Frankie thinks, has the ability to talk faster than anyone else he knows. Even faster than Pope when he’s drunk. She bombards him with information about various distant relatives and has him caught up on the last several years of their lives before his dad even manages to get to the door.

His dad looks older than the last time Frankie has seen him, but not in a fragile way. Age doesn’t make his dad look sickly or weak, it just makes him look wise. He’s got lines etched into the skin around his lips, from all the laughter and the smiles. Every adventure, every memory, it’s all there in his face and Frankie admires that so much. With every day passing he himself just looks sadder and more worn out.

“Darling, let him come inside. It’s freezing out here.”

Ever since he was little, Frankie knew that what his parents have was special. There was so much love in the way they talked with each other. It exuded from every word. From every look. They were a package deal. One could simply not be without the other. It’s something he knew most of his family members were envious of. Hell, he himself was envious of it.

“Hey Pops, good to see you.”

His dad wraps him in a hug as he steps into the warm house. His dad isn’t a hugger, he’s more stoic and calm but that doesn’t make him any less loving. There was never a day in his life, that Frankie ever doubted his father’s love for him. It’s just that he’s not the most physically affectionate guy, and that’s fine. When he does give out hugs, they are the best.

“Did the Murphy’s house get sold then?” Frankie questions, motioning over his shoulder towards the little red house. The couple who lived there, Margaret and Edwin, were lovely. They were the kind of old people that others just adore. Always a smile on their faces, always greeting you with the most infectious of good moods. They were already old when Frankie was a kid, but they were the kind of people you’d expect to live forever. Though death doesn’t care for any of that and eventually it came for them too. The house went to their only son, a man that always intrigued Frankie. Michael was a photographer and always on the road looking for a new adventure. He was his parents' age but there was a youth about him that made him look much younger. He always seemed like more of a friend or older brother to his daughter than a father.

His daughter. (Y/N) and Frankie weren’t friends. Not really. For that, they didn’t spend nearly enough time with each other. But whenever she would come around and spend the summers at her grandparents' place, Frankie and her would gravitate towards each other. There was an undeniable attraction, a magnetic pull. She always had the most exciting stories and for a teenage boy, there was nothing more exciting than a pretty girl with adventure in her veins.

He hasn’t seen her for a long time though, eventually, she went off to college and he joined the military. She came around less and less and then when first Edwin and then Margaret died, the house stayed quiet and lonely. Last time he saw (Y/N) was when he randomly ran into her at a bar but even that must’ve been at least 10, maybe 12 years ago.

“Oh no. Their son, Michael, do you remember him?”

“Sure.”

“He had a bad accident. Can’t work no more, needs a lot of help. You know what he was like, always on the road never really having a place he called home. Other than this house. So him and his daughter are back here. Do you remember her?“

“ (Y/N), yeah.”

“She’s moved back too. Gave up her entire life to help her father. Poor thing now works at the diner waiting tables for a living all the while taking care of Michael and her young son.”

“She has a kid?”

A sting of pain runs through his heart. Big brown eyes stare up at him in his mind, eyes that look so much like his. Eyes he couldn’t wait to see sparkling from joy on Christmas morning. Eyes he ain’t allowed to look into anytime soon.

“Yes, a little boy. Leo, he’s 7 years old. So well behaved and smart. Such a lovely little boy.”

A warm mug of coffee is thrust into Frankie’s hand as his father guides him to sit down on the big couch in the living room that’s been there ever since he was a kid.

“We invited them to come around for Christmas Eve dinner which reminds me that I still need to get a present for the boy.”

“Darling, it’s December 5th we still got time.”

Despite his heart laying in shambles by his feet, being around his parents sends a warmth through Frankie. It’s so familiar and comforting to be here. Maybe this isn’t all bad. Maybe this is exactly what he needs.

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me: One sweet reunion.

Frankie sits on his old bed in his old room. There are fewer posters there and the wall that used to be painted a dark blue is now a soft peach color. The old dark wood furniture has been replaced by white cupboards and two beds, both white too. An adult-sized bed for him and a toddler bed for Rosie. Little butterfly decals decorate the walls and soft pink curtains hang before the window. This is more Rosie’s room that’s his now, only she isn’t here to see it.

A knock on the door shakes him from his daydream. Voices echo through the halls and up the stairs. Voices he doesn’t recognize but by the tone in his mother’s words, he can tell they’re friendly faces.

“So we thought maybe we could borrow your car.”

Frankie sees her before she sees him. Had he not knows she was in town, maybe he wouldn’t have recognized her. (Y/N) looks older. Not old. Just more mature. She must be in her 30s now. Grown into her body. A mother.

“Of course dear, Frankie can help you get the tree if you want. We still need one ourselves anyway. Two birds one stone.”

“Frankie is home?”

(Y/N)’s voice shines with a glimmer of hope.

“I am.”

A smile spreads on her face, and that one he recognizes so well. It’s equal parts mischievous and warm. Familiar and comforting. Sassy and soft.

“Oh man, it’s so good to see you. It’s been some time, huh ?”

“Sure has,” he replies and the two of them share a quick hug. She’s cold from the air outside and smells like winter and snow. Her hair is hidden beneath a beanie and her fingers are kept warm by some fluffy blue mittens. She’s adorable. So fucking adorable.

“So, you want help getting your Christmas tree?” Frankie asks as she pulls away, missing the softness she brought.

“Well actually I was just asking to use your dad’s car but since you’re here, would you mind helping out ?”

“ Course not! We need a tree anyway and I’ll have you know, I’m great at finding the best Christmas trees.”

“That so?”

“Sure is.”

Another big smile spreads on (Y/N)’s lips. “Okay cool. Let me know when you’re ready. Leo and I are free all day.”

“That’s right, you have a kid now.”

There’s an infinite sense of pride that washes over her face. He knows the feeling, sees it in his own mother when she talks about him. Feels it in his heart when he thinks of Rosie.

“Frankie has a baby too, little girl.”

His mother means well. Doesn’t matter though, the mention of her still sends a pant of pain through him. Right to his heart and then it spreads slowly but surely to the rest of his body. Like an ice pick melting slowly.

“You do? Oh, I can’t wait to meet her.”

His heart breaks. Shatters. Crumbles.

“She’s uh — she’s with her mom for Christmas.” And pretty much any other day too.

“Huh, well I guess you’ll just have to tell me all about her then. “

He appreciates this. Her not asking but just taking the situation for what it is. Questions ask for answers he can’t give, doesn’t want to give.

“I can do that.”

“Okay great. Let me bother you no longer, just come knock on our door when you’re ready. You know where I live.”

With a wave and a smile, she makes her exit and steps back into the cold. Snow now falling in big white flakes from the skies, like big bubbles of soap. Like star fragments.

“She’s such a nice young woman, I wish life was a bit more gentle on her. “ his mom spoke up from beside Frankie.

“Yeah. Yeah, me too mom. Me too.”

When he steps out of the house a few hours later, the ground is already covered in a thick coat of fluffy snow. His boots leave deep prints in the pristine white blanket.

Across the street, he can hear a melody of laughter flowing through the air before two figures jump out from behind the house, wrapped in warm clothes, throwing snowballs at each other.

“Mom you’re cheating!” The young boy, Leo calls out, laughter ringing along with his words.

“No way! Nu-uh.”

“Yu-uh! “

The exchange puts a smile on Frankie’s face. It reminds him of his own childhood. When the world didn’t feel like it was working against him. When it was kind. When things were easy. When he was happy.

Realizing neither of the two has spotted him yet, Frankie squats down and gathers some snow in his glove covered hands. In a swift motion, he pulls his arm back and throws the snow in (Y/N)’s direction hitting her right in between her shoulders.

“Hey!”

There’s a second where anger and confusion reign over her face and then she realizes it’s Frankie who threw the snowball and it melts into warmth and mischief.

“I’ll get you back for that, dude. “

“That a threat?”

“Nah, it’s a promise.”

The boy regards them with careful curiosity.

“Leo, come here. This is my friend Frankie.”

To be quite honest, Frankie hadn’t really considered himself a friend of (Y/N) but to hear her introduce him as such felt real nice. He had friends, good friends, brothers even. Pope and the Millers knew him like the knee themselves but this was different. This was home.

“Frankie, this is my son Leo.”

The boy is all (Y/N). Same smile, same eyes. Like a copy and paste.

“Hey, Leo, nice to meet you.”

The boy gives him a shy wave. “Hi.”

“You guys ready to get some Christmas trees?” Frankie asked, looking from (Y/N) to Leo and back to her. The excitement on their faces makes him feel a little giddy.

Back when he was a kid, buying a tree was one of his favorite things to do during Christmas season. His dad always used to wake him up real early so they could be one of the first people at the Christmas tree sale. They’d stay for hours looking for the perfect tree. Now perfect didn’t mean it had to be actually immaculate. Perfect meant perfect for them. Sometimes they’d decide to find the fastest one or the one with the biggest hole. One time they found one with a bird's nest still inside.

Those were the good times and Frankie, knowing now how harsh life can be, will never take them for granted.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Two perfectly imperfect Christmas trees.

“Too big.”

“Too small.”

“I can literally count the branches on one hand.”

(Y/N), Frankie realizes as they look at what feels like the 12 millionth tree, is very particular when it comes to her Christmas trees.

“Mom, can we just pick one? They’re all good!” Leo chimes up as his mother dismisses yet another tree for being too skinny.

“I just want it to be perfect. When I was a little girl my dad and I were always traveling and when we’d come to my grandparents for Christmas they’d have this big beautiful tree every year. I want my dad to have that again.”

There’s more there, he can tell. By the way, her voice shakes slightly and the determination and chaos raging in her eyes. Frankie has yet to find out what exactly happened to her dad, what kind of accident he got in. But it’s not really a conversation starter now, is it?

Leo’s eyes meet Frankie's, a clear message traveling between them. A silent understanding.

“Look (Y/N) how about we let you roam this place in peace until you’ve found the perfect tree and Leo and I go see if we can find one for my parents? “

Leo nods his head in enthusiastic approval. A smile playing on his lips that is so strikingly similar to the one Frankie has seen so many times on the boy's mother.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, two of us are gonna find a perfectly imperfect tree for my folks and you go find the tree of your dreams. Just call if you need us, okay?”

She takes a breath, lets out a sigh. “Okay sounds good. Leo?”

“Sounds good to me too, mom.”

“Okay. Well, you boys have fun then.”

As she rounds the corner in search of the tree straight from a Christmas fairytale, Frankie turns to Leo who regards him with a guarded kindness.

“Thank you. “

“ For what? “ Frankie asks and raises his eyebrow in confusion.

“ For not making fun of my mommy. She’s so worried about grandpa, sometimes she goes a bit crazy.”

“ Nah she’s not crazy. She just wants to make everyone happy. Why would I make fun of her? Did someone make fun of her? “

It sends a flash of anger through him, the idea that someone might ridicule her for caring too much. If anything it’s what makes her so endearing. The world could do with more people like her. People who care. Deeply.

“ She talked to my daddy on the phone yesterday. I think he made fun of her. She cried. “

“ That’s — that’s not nice.”

Leo shrugs his shoulders in a way that seems casual but weary. As if he’s so used to it. Geez, the kid is 7. This isn’t something he should be used to.

“ Dad is not a nice person. Mama always says he’s busy and that he wants to see me but I don’t think that’s right. I think mama just doesn’t want me to be sad. I think daddy doesn’t really want to see me. Don’t think he loves me. But that’s okay mama loves me so much that’s enough. “

Leo’s words sent small cracks to Frankie’s heart and it’s quite hard not to let it crumble entirely. He’s never known what it feels like to be unloved by those that are meant to love you most. His parents adored him, still do. Even when he doesn’t deserve it. He can’t even begin to understand how much that must hurt. How devastating it must be, especially to a 7-year-old.

And yet Leo looks so — at peace. Like it bothers him sure, but it’s no big deal really.

Because he is loved either way. By (Y/N).

“ You’re a cool kid, you know that? “ Frankie asks and pats the young boy’s back in a friendly manner.

“ Mom says so. “

“ Well, she’s completely right. You really are. Now, you wanna help me find a tree? “

Leo nods enthusiastically.

“ Okay cool, but I’ll have to tell you how it works. “

“ We don’t just look for one we like?”

“ Oh no, you see the Morales family has a very specific tradition. Each year my dad and I go looking for a special tree. “

“ A special one? “

“ Mmmh. We always think of something special and then try to find a tree that fits that special thing. One time we tried to find the tallest tree on the lot or the widest or the skinniest. “

“ So what are we looking for this year? “

“ How abouuut … we look for one that has two tops? “

A giggle falls from Leo’s lips. “ That’s silly, that’s not a thing. “

“ Sure it is. You wanna go look for it? “

“ Yeah.”

There are big trees and small ones. Ones in shades of greens and some that look almost blue. There are fat ones with lots of branches and skinny ones that look like they’ve seen better days. None of them have two peaks though — until …

“ Frankie, look !”

His small, glove-covered hand is outstretched, pointing towards a tree before him. It’s a big tree, wide too. It’s blueish green color shines through the white haze of the winter's day.

And true to Leo’s words, the stem of the tree goes halfway up before it diverges into two different branches. Two tops.

“ That one’s perfect! “

“ He’s special! “

“ He is special. Good job, kid. “

The two share a high 5 as a laugh sounds from behind them.

“ I see you boys are getting along well. “ (Y/N) says as she approaches the two of them, placing a kiss on her son’s head as she reaches him.

“ We found a special tree, mom.”

“ Did you? Well so did I, it’s perfect. “

Her eyes wander towards Frankie’s and for a second it’s only the two of them there, veiled in shared understanding, a silent thank you.

“ I’m glad you found your tree, (Y/N). “

“ I’m glad you two had fun. Now hooow about we get those trees home and set up? “

“ Can we have hot cocoa at home, momma? “

“ Duh. Of course. You can’t decorate a Christmas tree without a good hot cup of cocoa.”

The softness in her voice, the pure adoration she holds for this boy, it makes Frankie think back to Leo’s words about his father and about (Y/N). About how she loves him enough for the both of them. And he can see it, clear as day. Her love for Leo.

Those two, he thinks, don’t need anyone. Especially not someone who doesn’t treat them with the love and respect they deserve. Those two are their own warmth, their own little universe. And it’s enough. It’s plenty. Everyone who’s allowed to be a part of their little world should be grateful because it’s a good world. It’s gentle and kind.

“ Alright you two, let’s get those trees home. “ Frankie pipes up and for a moment he is part of their little universe too. And it’s wonderful. He doesn’t wanna let go of this feeling. How anyone ever could is entirely beyond him.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Three mugs of cocoa.

Bobby Helms’ voice echoes through the room accompanied by the soothing crack of a vinyl record. It’s an old one, one (Y/N) has found in a box of her grandparent’s stuff. Jingle Bell rock fills the air with a sense of excitement and wonder only a good old Christmas song can bring.

There are 3 cups of cocoa on the table, one of them in a Star Wars mug. It all feels warm and cozy. Homey. And for the first time since he’s back, Frankie doesn’t feel out of place. He doesn’t feel like a stranger watching through the window into someone else's life. Someone familiar. Someone he once knew. Someone he once was.

Right now he feels like he’s right where he’s meant to be. With friends who chose him. A family that lets him into their lives and willingly shares a piece of their kindness and warmth and magic with him. Not because they are bound to him by blood, by shared trauma. Just because they like him, as he is.

(Y/N) and Frankie sit on the old leather couch that’s been there in this same living room for so many years. One that has seen different versions of (Y/N). Some of him too.

In the corner of the room, across from the big window leading out into a snowy dreamland, stands a perfect Christmas tree. (Y/N)’s perfect tree. It’s decked out in lights and ornaments and tinsel. Leo hops around the tree, adding yet more ornaments here and more tinsel there, a big smile on his face the entire time.

And as she watches her son relish in the pure unfiltered joy only a child really knows, (Y/N) smiles too. Because sometimes this is what it means to be happy, seeing your loved ones smiling.

“ Thank you, Frankie. “ she says, eyes still locked on her son.

“ For what? “

It’s the second time that day that he is being thanked and for what? For being there? Really he hasn’t done much. This is what friends do, isn’t it? What they should do. Help each other out. Be there for one another.

“ For playing along with my crazy antics. I know it’s just a tree but I just want this Christmas to be — to be good. For me and for Leo and for my dad. We haven’t had the best year and I just want to make this perfect for us. Or as perfect as possible. Thanks for not letting me see how annoying I was back at the tree sale. “

Frankie shakes his head dismissively. “ You weren’t being annoying. I get it, don’t worry. Leo, he uh — he said something similar to me earlier. Said his dad made fun of you? Made you cry. “

(Y/N) lets out a scoff, curls her lips in an unamused smirk. “ Derek’s a — “ her eyes trail towards her son who pays the two adults no mind “ — he’s such a dick. Always has been. But he was suave and he had a motorcycle and I just kind of fell for his bad-boy charms. He’s unreliable though and a goddamn child. When I told him about Leo he bailed on us. Sometimes he tries to be a dad, whenever he gets one of his moods and feels like he needs to turn his life around. Those don’t last very long though. He sends birthday gifts and Christmas presents and he calls every once in a while but — well his interest in Leo isn’t all that big. “

“ What an asshole. Why’d he make you cry? “

“ Ugh, it wasn’t really any particular thing, just an amalgamation of so many. He was making me feel stupid because of the tree thing. He was being dismissive of my feelings. He didn’t want to talk to Leo. It was just his entire mood that day that once again made me realize why I ended things with him in the first place. And it isn’t fair. It really isn’t. That I have to work twice as hard to be a good parent because I have to fill both roles and he gets off scot-free. Not even a guilty conscience. How am I ever gonna be able to play both roles and play them well? How can I do that? I feel like I am failing already. “

“ Are you kidding me? “ Frankie says and softly nudges her shoulder with his “ You’re a great mother. You’re fun, you’re loving. What else could Leo want? (Y/N) you are doing an incredible job, trust me. Little mistakes you make that might seem big to you, they really don’t matter to Leo. Not now and especially not in the long run. He’s gonna remember the good times. The snowball fights and the hot cocoa and the tree decorating. Those are the little moments that will become memories. “

“ You think so ? “

“ I know so. It’s what I remember about my childhood. And it’s uh — it’s what Leo told me. He said that his dad might not be around but that it doesn’t matter because you love him twice as much. Said that’s plenty enough. The boy loves you. You’re a wonderful mom. “

He forbids his mind from going to that dark corner where he’s banished all his own fears. Those that whisper to him in quiet moments. About how his shortcomings, his mistakes, his faults, how all of that will stain his relationship with Rosie. His ability to be a good father.

Lord knows he wishes his daughter was here now. Maybe not in this exact moment, a toddler really ain’t much help when setting up a tree. But here. In his arms. With him. During Christmas time. He fears that she never will be. That the times he gets to see her will become few and far between. That he will one day only be a distant memory to her because he ain’t ever given the chance to make any good ones with her.

His heart aches from how much he misses his little girl at that moment. But he has to remind himself not to wallow in it. Because once he goes there, lets himself fall into this big black hole of grief and of missing and of fear, there’s no coming back.

So he looks back at the people around him, at their soft smiles and the Christmas lights reflected in their eyes. Shining with happiness. Shining with joy.

And as the snow falls softly outside, he tries to focus on the warmth in this room. The warmth from the fire and from the hearts so soft and so filled with love.

Because he’d rather get lost in a beautiful dream than the sad reality of his fears.

#frankie morales x reader #frankie morales imagine #francisco morales x you #francisco morales x reader #frankie morales x you #francisco morales imagine #frankie morales imagines #francisco morales imagines #triple frontier imagine #jos2020xmasspecial #catfish imagine #catfish x reader #catfish x you

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kurts-still-here · 3 years

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Nothing Breaks Like A Heart Chapter 4 Kurt/ Sebastian FanFiction

Hello everyone, I am back with chapter 4 of “Nothing Breaks Like A Heart”. Please read etheir on here or A03 or FanFiction. Net and leave any comments, questions or feedback for me. I love hearing from you guys and everyone was super sweet about the chapters so far. This chapter is still about Kurt and Sebastian and it’s still really sad :( Anyway read for yourself and have a good day!! :)

Archive Of Our Own

FanFiction.Net (Chapter 4)

Have You Ever Wondered Which Hurt The Most Something And Wishing You Had Not, Or Saying Nothing And Wishing You Had?- Unknown

ONE WEEK LATER

Kurt was depressed. There was no denying it because everyone including himself knew it. His family had thought his behavior wouldn’t get too much worse after that night but it did. Instead of wanting to have someone around and staying around Sam and Finn, he isolated himself in his bedroom and the only time he came out was to get water. Carol and Burt had tried to get him to eat breakfast and dinner with the rest of the family but he wouldn’t budge, saying he wasn’t hungry. Sam or Finn would knock on his door to check on him once in a while when their parents were at work but Kurt would just answer, not even opening the door and the boys quickly got the message that he wanted to be alone. Everyone knew that the isolation wasn’t doing Kurt’s mental health any good but then again, they didn’t know what to do about it. Kurt was stubborn and once he had his mind set on being alone there wasn’t anything you could do to change his mind.

He ignored all the phone calls and texts from all his friends because the one person he wanted to talk to wouldn’t answer him. At first Kurt had tried calling and texting Sebastian in hopes that he would forgive him for saying what he said (and not saying what he didn’t say) but Sebastian was also stubborn and didn’t respond to him. That hurt, everything hurt. First he had lost his boyfriend, then his best friend and now he was pushing everyone else away because he was afraid that he would lose them too and he’d rather it be on his own accord.

He hadn’t cried since the day after Sebastian left. The previous day he had but now he just felt numb. Trust him, he had wanted to cry but he kept the tears at bay. Crying wasn’t going to be able to fix the mess that he was in. Crying wasn’t going to undo the injuries that Blaine gave him or make Sebastian come back. It was useless and therefore he wasn’t going to cry. Maybe he would eventually, maybe he would break down from the stress but for now he was as okay as he could be (which wasn’t much).

He knew that everyone was worried about him. He knew that he should at least answer some of the messages from his friends, to assure them that he was okay. Or that he should try to get up and go to school knowing that he had a bunch of work in all of his classes waiting for him. Or that he should eat dinner with his family to make sure that they knew he was alright but he had no energy for that. It had been a week since his incidents with Blaine and Sebastian and instead of feeling better he felt worse. His body still ached, he still had to lug his foot around in a heavy air cast, the bruises were taking their sweet time healing, his stomach and hurt still hurt and his wrist wasn’t healing. The physical pain was something he could deal with, what he couldn’t deal with was the mental pain and the feeling of loss that was overcoming him. It was a weight on his body, holding him down and drawing him of all his energy to the point where he struggled to roll over to the other side of his bed.

And it was all his fault. Because maybe if he had just said that Blaine was right and had given him his phone and had promised him that he wouldn’t hang out around any other boys so much then Blaine wouldn’t have hit him and Kurt would still feel loved. But then he was pretty sure that what Blaine had done was considered abuse and that he was wrong. And then maybe if he could’ve just worded what he said to Sebastian differently and had not freaked out then Sebastian would still be around. But then he didn’t know what love felt like therefore how could he truly know if Sebastian loved him or not. He probably just thought that he loved Kurt because they had been friends for such a long time. How could Sebastian love someone like him? He had ruined his relationship with Blaine and now he had ruined his relationship with Sebastian and was well on his way to ruining all his other relationships with everyone else. He guessed that’s all he did now, ruined things and that’s why it was better if he just accepted defeat. If he just kept himself holed up in his room, away from the people he loved so he wouldn’t hurt them.

Sebastian was depressed. There was no denying it because as of right now he hadn’t left his dorm room in a week and Nick and Jeff kept bugging him to at least get up and get coffee with them. They were the only ones that knew about Kurt. Sebastian had gone to his dorm room that day, crying and unfortunately his roommates had seen him. They had asked what was wrong and after having them swear not to tell anyone, Sebastian had told them how he had told Kurt he loved him and how Kurt didn’t feel that way about him. He told them that Kurt and Blaine had broken up, leaving out the part where Blaine beat the shit out of him, and took it as the time to confess his feelings. The only thing was that the time he picked had been the wrong time. Or maybe there was never going to be a right time because Kurt was probably never going to feel the same way about him.

Nick had told him that Kurt was going through a rough time since he had just been attacked and that he was probably confused and upset and Jeff had offered to talk to Kurt for Sebastian but he had turned down the offer. He didn’t want to hear from Kurt at the moment. He hurt too much. He was heartbroken and he knew that Kurt probably was too. And he knew that in a way he was being a horrible friend, being selfish by putting his feelings over Kurt’s when Kurt was in an unstable state. He had been getting texts and calls from the New Directions asking him if he had spoken to Kurt because he wasn’t talking to them and the Warblers also kept asking about him but Sebastian didn’t know anything. It made him feel even more guilty to learn that Kurt was ignoring everyone especially when he heard from Rachel that Finn had told her that Kurt wouldn’t come out of his room and had stopped going to school. He knew that he was to blame but he still couldn’t bring himself to suck up his pride and call Kurt.

So instead he stayed in his room, saying that he was sick and doing all his work away from everyone else. Nick and Jeff hadn’t bought his excuse one bit and told him that he wasn’t helping himself or Kurt by isolating himself but seeing how miserable their friend was they agreed to cover for him. All Sebastian did was work and sleep. Nick and Jeff had brought him food but he didn’t eat it. His friends tried to cheer him up, making jokes and telling him about their days but they gave up when they could tell that it wasn’t working.

Sebastian didn’t know what was going to make him feel better. Ultimately it would’ve been Kurt but that was out of the question. Not only had Kurt hurt him but Sebastian had hurt Kurt and he didn’t even understand why Kurt kept calling and texting him. Why Kurt wasn’t upset with him for being selfish and a bad friend. Kurt should hate him but he didn’t. Instead he was leaving him voicemails begging for his forgiveness and texting him with apologies, like he had something to be sorry for.

Sebastian was the one who should be sorry and he was. He was sorry for being in love with Kurt and he was sorry for telling him that when he was going through stuff. He was sorry for not being good enough for him and he was sorry that he never would be. And he would apologize if he wasn’t so stubborn and prideful. And then maybe they could’ve talked and taken things slowly to the point where Kurt would start feeling better to the point where he could make up his mind. He had said he wasn’t sure how he felt about Sebastian so maybe they still had a chance of being together. But then again, Sebastian didn’t want to take any chances of making anything worse so he didn’t respond to Kurt. He locked himself away from everyone so he wouldn’t hurt any of his other friends.

“There’s a reason me and Sam called you all here today,” Finn said, staring at the glee club in front of him. He had called them all over to his house because he needed to talk to them about Kurt. Him and Sam were extremely worried about their brother and he wanted to know if anyone had any ideas of what to do.

“Does it have anything to do with the fact that Lady Hummel basically fell off the face of the Earth?” Santana asked, looking at her nails. Finn could tell that she was worried though, even if she was still being a bitch. “Because I would love to go up there and drag him out of his room for you guys,”

“No there will be no dragging of anyone Santana,” Sam told her and she scoffed. “We all need to be very gentle with him, he’s vulnerable,”

“You’re talking like he’s a baby or something Sam,” Quinn told him. “Kurt will be fine, he’s tough and he just needs some time to recover,”

“Wait, no,” Finn said, looking around confused, “How much do you guys know? About what happened last week,”

The group looked at each other, confused before Artie answered for them, “Only that he went missing but that he showed up late. Isn’t that all that happened?”

“No,” Sam and Finn said at the same time.

“Someone attacked him you guys.” Sam informed the group. “Bad. He's pretty beat up.”

“Yeah and he won’t tell us who it was.” Finn added. “And he said he broke up with Blaine but he won’t tell any of us why and Blaine won’t respond to any of my messages. And Sebastian got into a fight with Kurt and I don’t think they’re talking either. It’s a mess,” No one seemed to notice how uncomfortable Sam got when Finn mentioned Blaine.

“Wait slow down,” Mercedes said, “Start with the attack,”

“Okay,” Finn started, “So he showed up covered in blood and he was crying hysterically. We asked him what happened and he said that he broke up with Blaine but he didn’t tell us why but he did say that he walked home because it wasn’t that far and then he stopped talking and said he didn’t want to talk about what happened.”

“We let it go because it was obvious that he didn’t need to talk about it at the moment but we’re pretty sure that someone beat him up,” Sam added. “He said that his body hurt so Carol checked him out and said that he probably had a concussion and that his wrist was sprained and that his ankle was dislocated. She snapped it back into place but he has to wear this huge boot on his foot.”

The group just stared at the two boys with wide, surprised eyes. They knew that people didn’t like Kurt because he was gay and they knew that he had been beaten up before but it had never been this bad before. And to think that he was just walking home, it was a shame.

“Oh my god,” Brittany gasped, covering her face with her hands. Someone had hurt her dolphin and that was not okay with her.

“I’m going to beat their ass,” Puck yelled, standing up from the couch.

“No Puck, you can’t do that,” Finn assured him. “We already offered to do that and he said he didn’t want us to plus he won’t tell anyone who did it,”

“You could start up an investigation, Finn,” Rachel informed him. “I can get my dads in on it and everything. They have a whole team of lawyers. This can’t go unpunished.”

“I don’t think that’s something Kurt wants Rachel,” Sam told her. “I think he just wants to forget about it but… ya know, it’s hard for him to do,”

“Okay, well what happened with Sebastian?” Tina asked. “They’re best friends and they’ve never fought before,”

“Sebastian’s in love with Kurt and Kurt doesn’t love him back,” Sam admitted to the group.

“That’s some bs,” Puck yelled out again. “I’ve seen the way Princess looks at Seb and you can’t tell me it’s not love,”

“I know you guys but just think about it,” Finn told them. “When Seb came over we specifically told him to be gentle and easy with Kurt and he did the exact opposite. Telling him that he loved him when Kurt had just gotten out of a relationship that none of us even liked or approved of and had just gotten beaten up was the wrong way to go about things. He could’ve just waited a little while longer for Kurt to recover and get his feelings together but he decided to do it at the wrong time,”

“We aren’t mad at him and we know how frustrated he probably was since Blaine treated Kurt like shit all we’re saying is that he could have picked a better time to talk about it,” Sam said. “And now they’re both upset and I think Kurt keeps trying to call him but Sebastian won’t answer him and now Kurt’s miserable,”

“We just don’t know what to do you guys,” Finn told the group. “We love Kurt and this past week has been the worst for him and he didn’t even do anything wrong. But now he won’t eat anything, won’t talk to anyone and barely even comes out of his room.”

“And when he does he looks like a ghost,” Sam said. “We miss him and Burt and Carol are going to be leaving for DC tomorrow and we don’t know if we’re going to be able to handle making sure he’s okay,”

“I just say give him however much time he needs,” Mercedes shrugged. “I mean yes I miss him but he won’t stay like this forever.”

“Mercedes is right,'' Santana added on, “And Seb and Kurt are best friends, they aren’t going to stay like this for the rest of their lives. It’s obvious that they need each other so they’ll both eventually come around. Seb will answer Kurt’s texts and Kurt will realize his feelings for him and bam, the problem is solved,”

“Princess is going to be fine,” Puck said and the rest of the room nodded. “He’s strong,”

“It’s obvious that you guys don’t know how bad this situation is,” Sam said, shaking his head. “This is bad, you guys haven't been around or seen him,”

Everyone in the room besides Sam and Finn froze, staring at something behind them and the boys turned and saw Kurt standing there with a glass of water in his hand, staring at the group with wide eyes and it was obvious that he was startled to see everyone there.

“Hey bro,” Finn greeted the boy, nervously. “You okay?” Kurt just stood there frozen, eyeing the group nervously.

“Hi Kurtie,” Brittany beamed, getting up and hugging him while ignoring all the warning glances that her friends gave her. Kurt didn’t flinch away or anything but he didn’t hug back either.

“You wanna hang out with us Kurt?” Sam asked him. “We could watch a movie or play a game.”

Everyone in the room nodded together enthusiastically and Rachel even scooted over some so that Kurt could sit next to her but their expressions changed when Kurt started shaking his head and had tears in his eyes. He looked so scared and they were starting to see why Finn and Sam were so worried. Kurt was so broken that he couldn’t even trust his friends and that hurt them.

Before anyone could say anything Kurt turned and hurried out the door but instead of going back to his room he placed his glass down on the kitchen counter before grabbing his keys and shoes and walking out the door. It was raining outside again but Kurt didn’t care. He got into his car and slammed the door shut before backing out of his driveway and driving down the street. He didn’t know where he was going, only that he needed to get away from everyone and that being in his room wasn’t enough.

He was crying. He had tried so hard not to but once again he was greeted with tears. And once again there was no control over his emotions. He wanted Sebastian, no he needed him and he couldn’t have him. Because he messed up just like he always did. If only he knew how he felt. Then maybe he could figure out if he really loved his friend or not.

It wasn’t like he hated Sebastian because he didn’t. They were best friends and Kurt would never hate him no matter what. Had they had fights before? Yes. Had they always seen eye to eye? No. But did they let that get in the way of their friendship? Absolutely not. Except now they were and everything was messy. He was a mess. And to think that this could’ve all been avoided if he had just listened and done what Blaine said. Or if he would’ve listened to Sebastian and wouldn’t have started dating him in the first place. He had ruined his own life.

He ended up driving to a nice, little park that he used to go to with his mom when he was little. She would take him there sometimes after school if he had had a particularly hard time with bullies that day. They would take a walk around the pond and feed the ducks that were there. Or they would go to the playground and his mom would push him on the swing or they would build a sandcastle together. Or they would just lay in the grass and would look at the clouds together. Oh to be young and have your mom with you. When your only problem was bullies and not abusive boyfriends and best friends that had feelings for you. Sure the bullies had hurt Kurt when he was a kid but he had no idea that he would grow up to deal with worse.

He parked his car and got out, still crying and the rain still pouring outside but he wasn’t bothered by it. It felt good and refreshing. He slowly walked throughout the park. He was the only one there seeing that everyone else knew better than to be outside in the bad weather but that only made Kurt want to stay in the rain more. Away from everyone. No looks of pity or sounds of people talking about him. How much of a mess he was and how they were worried. He didn’t mean to worry them but this is how he had chosen to cope. This is how he had always coped but he guessed that maybe he was going a little too far and that the coping was also a little bit of a punishment for him. For ruining everything so much.

He walked around for a little while, watching as the rain blurred his surroundings. Kurt loved the rain. Rainy days when he could curl up in bed with a book or a movie or driving in the rain and hearing the sound of the raindrops falling against his window. Sleeping while it was raining was the best. He didn’t know why he liked it so much or what he liked best about it. The way it sounded or the way it looked. The way it made him feel when he was in the comfort of his own house while it poured outside, feeling warm and safe. Or the way it made him feel alive when he walked in it (although that wasn’t the case right now). The way it made everything else look, how it washed out the scene and added a new element to it. He liked all of it. But now it was doing something else for him. It was making him feel something. He had been numb all week but right now, here he was feeling the cold rain fall onto his skin and crying and he wouldn’t have been able to do that if he was still in his room. Sometimes he wondered whether it was better to feel your emotions or whether not to. Because sometimes when all you felt was pain and sadness then you didn’t want to feel anything at all and you shut off your emotions not being able to feel any emotions at all. But then isn’t it better to feel sad and miserable for a little while but at the end of it all you can still be happy.

He found a bench underneath a tree and sat down on it, having walked for about an hour. He pulled out his phone and saw that once again he had a hundred texts from his friends asking him where he had gone. This time he decided that he would answer one of them to let them know that he wasn’t being beaten up again and texted Sam.

From Kurt

To Sam: i’m okay, i just needed to get out of the house, i promise i’ll be back soon

From Sam

To Kurt: oh okay, good to now, just wanted to make sure you’re okay, sorry if we freaked you out a little, see you when you get home 💖💖

Kurt closed out his messages from Sam when he got his message and went to Sebastian’s. He knew it was a waste of his time but then he had the slight hope that maybe he was over it and would at least talk to him.

From Kurt

To Sebastian: hi Seb, i know you’re still mad at me but can we at least talk?? 🙏🙏

From Kurt

To Sebastian: please, i’m so sorry seb, just give me a chance, i miss you😔😔

From Kurt

To Sebastian: i need you, you’re my best friend and i’m so sorry i ruined everything but i want to be your friend again 😭😭😭

To Kurt

From Sebastian: i’m sorry

He sent the last text and seeing that Sebastian had read them and had chosen to ignore him, Kurt burst into more tears and put his phone away before pulling his knees up to his chest and hugging himself. Was this how it was going to be forever? Did Sebastian truly hate him now? How bad he had really messed up?

He cried some more before deciding that he should get back home before everyone started to worry about him again. They would already be shocked enough to see him drenched in rain again and he was getting tired. The rain had been a nice change but his room was better, safer. He got up off the bench and started walking back towards his car, taking in the sight of the rainy park once more.

He got in his car and turned on the heat, warming up his body a little before driving away from the park. He drove home with the radio on with the volume turned down low, not really paying any attention to the songs playing but needing some type of background noise besides the raindrops. He took his time getting home, even deciding to take the longer route home. He hoped that by the time he got back that everyone else would be gone so he could just slip upstairs and wouldn’t have to worry about them. He felt bad for ignoring them and for making them worry about him but he just couldn’t talk to them. He was sure that Finn and Sam had been filling them in on his behavior from the previous week and he didn’t want to be asked any questions about who attacked him or what had happened with Sebastian. It was bad enough that it had constantly been on his mind ever since it had happened.

He arrived at his house and unfortunately everyone was still there. He parked in the driveway and got out of his car, the rain having stopped. Kurt was shivering, now thinking that it was a bad idea for him to have gone for a walk in the rain. There was nothing he could do about it now though except to go inside and change. So he went inside, opening the door as quietly as he could and snuck inside but unfortunately he had run into Finn who had seemed to be waiting for him to get home.

“Hey, whoa you’re soaked,” Finn exclaimed when he saw his brother. “You okay?”

Kurt was kind of getting tired of being asked that question. “I’m fine,” He said back, a little too harshly. “It was raining outside,”

“Oh,” Finn said, his face dropping a little at Kurt’s tone, “Well if you’re hungry, we ordered pizza. You can go change first and then you can come back down if you want. We were all going to watch a movie too,”

“No thank you,” Kurt said, turning down the offer. He still needed to be alone. “I’m not hungry and I think I just need to go to school. I am going to school tomorrow,” He added, surprising himself and Finn. He hadn’t really thought about it yet, it just slipped out.

“Oh,” Finn said. “Well that’s good, I guess you do need some rest then. Well goodnight little bro. I would hug you but you’re kind of wet,”

“That’s okay Finn,” Kurt assured him. “Goodnight,”

Finn went back into the kitchen, probably to inform everyone that Kurt was back home, safe while Kurt went upstairs to his room. He took off the wet clothes that he was wearing and put a dry pair of pajama pants and a sweatshirt on in their place. He was still cold and not having the energy to do his skincare routine (he hadn’t done it in a week) or at least wash off his face, he got into his bed and laid his blanket on top of it, snuggling into its warmth. It was comforting, just like the rain had been and Kurt decided that he should start seeking comfort in the things he had like the rain and his bed then seeking comfort in people. It would always rain and he would always have his bed but he couldn’t say the same about the people in his life.

So he fell asleep, listening to the rain, contemplating on whether someone truly needed to be loved in life or not. The saddest thing was that he came to the conclusion that they did. Sure he didn’t know what the feeling felt like, if he had truly ever loved someone and if someone had ever truly loved him but he wanted to feel the feeling. To know what it felt like and if he felt that way about Sebastian. Love was so complicated.

#glee #glee fanfiction #kurt hummel #sebastian smythe #kurtbastian #lol blaine #lol klaine #please read #and reblog #and comment #have a great day/night!

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stinkywizard · 4 years

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Summary: Safe within the memory-filled dome in Rumblecusp, Caleb opens up about his complicated feelings regarding his past. Jester listens, and teaches him a thing or two about love and worth.

Note: SPOILERS for Critical Role Episode 103

Jester’s eyes shine with memories. They curve and fade and reappear endlessly, and she refuses to close her eyes and miss a second; not when she is a night’s sleep away from potentially losing all of this. A lifetime of unforgettable moments. She can’t sleep a wink.

Her Momma is up there, in the shifting lights filling the dome. A few times. She appears singing at the party, being slobbered on by a Nugget, gathering her daughter into her arms. Jester wants to reach out and touch that one. Memorize it until it’s burned into the back of her eyelids.

But as the night wears on, Jester’s eyes wander away from her mother, and to the precious memories of her friends. Many of the scenes splayed before her are familiar. She reminisces on the memories of their family’s journey- the moments of tears, of laughter, of peace and hardship.

But there are other scenes that Jester has never seen before. Yasha and her wife surrounded by flowers. Fjord with a crew full of people.

As her eyes flit across the space, Jester finds herself drawn to a particular memory. In one corner of the dome, just above Caduceus’ sleeping form, three children stand with their arms wrapped around each other, laughing.

One, she pinpoints as a younger, less hardened version of the guard from earlier, Eodwulf. She watches as the dark haired boy throws his head back, jostling his friends, who startle into another fit of laughter.

Caught in Eodwulf’s arm is a girl.

She was handsome.

The dark haired girl has sharp, striking features- so unlike Jester’s own soft attributes.

She touches her face absentmindedly.

Astrid’s deep brown eyes dance with mirth as she glances sideways. Glances at...

Oh.

A scrawny redhead boy, with shining blue eyes catches his balance and laughs unabashedly. Smiles freely.

Oh.

The feeling comes unbidden that she is intruding on something private. Something tucked away into the secret parts of her friend’s soul. Yet there it is, shining brazenly in the sky. Though she still feels vaguely guilty, Jester cannot tear her eyes away from the little redhead boy that laughs like there isn’t a care in the world.

“Can’t sleep?”

She jolts, heart pounding, head snapping to look at the source of the voice.

Against one end of the dome sits Caleb. His piercing blue eyes meet hers and for just a moment she swears she sees the glint of that hopeful, radiant, child. Her arms prickle with goosebumps. She looks away.

The children flicker and dance. Laughing. Smiling.

Caleb follows her gaze and his face softens ever so slightly.

“Hm. A different time, ja?”

“Ja,” she replies with a hesitant grin, mimicking the wizard’s accent.

Caleb smiles back at this, then shifts to see the memory better- crossing his legs, and resting his chin on his palm.

He looks awfully young like that.

Caleb strokes Frumpkin absentmindedly, the soft glow turning the familiar’s fur a glistening orange.

“Sometimes I think about that boy. That time before everything fell to pieces.” He finally says, with a deep breath.

The memory replays. Again, and again.

Jester feels an odd tightness in her chest, and wonders at the tears prickling behind her eyes.

She wants to ask how it fell to pieces. Ask about Astrid, ask what was it about Astrid that made Caleb fall in love with her? What made her so special? Ask about Mr Icky-Thong, about what terrible thing he did that took the light and the love from the eyes of those children. But most of all she wants to grab Caleb by the face with both hands and tell him that boy is still in there somewhere, she just knows it… and maybe if he could just believe he’s in there… maybe-

But she doesn’t. Jester sits and watches the memory. And watches Caleb. And tries not to cry.

Caleb still seems entranced, speaking into the silence.

“It wasn’t all bad you know.” He looks at her now, then seems to regret it, opting to turn his eyes to the sky instead. “The academy I mean. My childhood.”

A hand waves and the laughing Bren disappears, replaced with a new scene. Now the boy is sweeping a hand and muttering something. The spell activates, and a shimmering dove appears, which takes flight. His mouth opens in pride and amazement.

Another movement of slender fingers, and the dove becomes a cat. Similar to Frumpkin, but more solid. It rests on the shoulders of the young wizard, who is eagerly bent over a book.

The illusory boy stops, and looks up. Jester let’s out a gasp as his eyes meet hers... then pass through her. She sees the object of his attention a mere moment later.

Una Ermendrud glides through the air, skirts swishing by Jester’s ear, stopping to press a kiss against her son’s cheek.

Caleb’s eyes are wet.

“It wasn’t all bad,” he repeats, to himself or to her she is not sure.

“They loved you very much didn’t they,” Jester says, taking in the beautiful woman.

“Very much.”

She nods.

“And you love them very much… still. After everything.”

Caleb hesitates, a wary look in his eyes, before slowly tucking his head in affirmation.

They sit like that for a long time. Both silent. The sounds of their friends breathing, and occasionally snoring, fill the space. Jester feels her heart swell looking at all of them. The people she doesn’t want to... she can’t forget. The people she would do anything for. Finally Jester looks at Caleb, her Caleb- real and solid and present, with his weary, pained, but still striking blue eyes. A kind of desperation comes over her.

“You know what though Caleb?” She begins, with a slight huff.

He seems surprised at the sound. “What?”

“I think...” she stops to formulate the words. “I think that they would be glad you still love them. Your parents, I mean. And Astrid. And Eodwulf.”

Caleb watches attentively.

She continues. “Like, I know you think that it makes you a bad person for loving them. And missing them. And remembering them. But you’re wrong Caleb.”

Jester feels the tightness again. She breathes in and out sharply. She looks at her friends… thinks of her Momma, her father.

“Because, like, love is what makes you human.”

The words rush out in a stream.

“It’s what gives you the strength to get up every day. Even when it twists you all up inside, even when you get hurt,” she looks back at him intently. “It’s worth it.”

Caleb is frozen in place.

“And the people that loved you Caleb? They knew they could get hurt. They knew the risks. But they loved you anyways. And I don’t think they would want you to take that for granted. You were worth it. You are worth it.”

He seems taken aback. “Really?”

“Really Caleb. I just know it.”

The words hang in the air, then Jester watches his still form quiver, then crumple.

The silent sobs come over him in waves, smaller, then more powerful as he shakes his head over and over.

“Oh Jester,” he mutters thickly, trying to catch his breath. “Oh Jester, oh Jester.”

Alarmed, she quickly picks her way through the sleeping bodies, and past the glowing images to his hunched form. He tries to hide his face, but she takes it gently in her hands, brushing away the tears with her thumbs.

“Oh Caleb, I didn’t mean to make you cry,” she mumbles, smiling sadly.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” Caleb says, voice overcome with embarrassment and emotion. “I don’t know why I’m... oh I’m sorry Jester.”

“You are a silly goose,” Jester laughs quietly, and pulls him in for a hug. Caleb tenses once, then eventually surrenders to her touch.

“Sometimes we need to cry when no one else is watching to be okay again,” she says under her breath and immediately feels far too exposed. She is sure he noticed- he notices everything, but Jester finds she doesn’t mind all that much after all.

Once Caleb’s breathing is lulled back into a slow rhythm, and she is beginning to think that she could just fall asleep like this, tucked snugly into his arms, Frumpkin nudges Jester’s leg. She becomes immediately conscious of just how long she has been sitting there, holding him, and pulls back.

“Sorry.”

Caleb inhales sharply, quickly withdrawing.

He shakes his head. “Ah no, don’t apologize. I’m sorry for all that.”

“Oh it’s totally okay Caleb. It was… nice.”

They avoid each other’s eyes, sitting frozen until an especially loud snore makes them both jump.

They laugh, glad to have a distraction from the heavy silence.

“We should sleep,” Caleb says, when his hushed chuckles have subsided.

“Ja,” Jester says again in a Zemnian accent, and he nudges her playfully, earning another muffled giggle.

As she goes to stand Caleb clears his throat.

“Will you uh… not… I mean- don’t get me wrong Jester I trust the Nein completely, but-“

“I won’t tell,” she interrupts, and Caleb looks relieved.

“Yes. Thank you.” He nods at her appreciatively then leans back onto his bedroll.

Jester climbs back under her own blanket, her eyelids suddenly very heavy.

I won’t tell.

Caleb already has his eyes shut, curled up against Frumpkin.

And oh he looks so peaceful.

Jester smiles softly as she drifts off to sleep.

I won’t tell that the little redhead boy didn’t lose his heart after all.

#widojest #critical role #caleb x jester #jester lavorre #caleb widogast #the mighty nein #critical role ep 103 #I put this up on ao3 but forgot to put in on here so #yee haw #comments and feedback much appreciated #my writing

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haildoodles-writing · 4 years

Text

Till the End of Time

Summary: After his mission, Agent Whiskey comes home to check up on you.

Pairing: Jack Daniels (Agent Whiskey) x reader

Warnings: angst, memory loss/health issues

A/N: Finals are finished, so I finally have time to write haha. This oneshot can be based either on the idea that Jack remarried after his wife died, or if he just didn’t have a previous marriage; either way. I highly recommend listening to “Love Me Tender” by Elvis Presley for this!

* * *

Agent Whiskey couldn’t find it in himself to walk through the door.

He was standing in the hallway to his apartment complex, fiddling with his keys as he stared out the hallway window. The building, located a train ride away from the Statesmen’s Headquarters, was much too luxurious for him to ever be comfortable with--but it had quick access to the med center at home base, and it was next door to Agent Ginger herself, so it had to do.

Through the front door, Whiskey could hear Elvis Presley playing from the record player. The same song, over and over--but it was the only one you would listen to. It was the only one that calmed you.

Instead of walking in, he pressed his forehead against the door, heaving a gentle sigh as the wood pressed against his bruises. He didn’t trust the Kingsmen, rightly so, and he had attempted to retrieve Poppy’s case from them and enter in the access code himself. But they proved his distrust wrong, sending him home with a wounded pride--and a handful of bruises for good measure. He’d likely get a pay cut in the morning, at worst. At best, maybe he’d get a scolding from Champ. Maybe.

It didn’t change the fact that he was too nervous to unlock the door, though. He was frightened that you would react badly as soon as you saw his bruises, as you’d done so before.

But he could hear you humming, hear your quiet vibrato, and it made him push the key into the lock. He needed to see you.

Quietly, slowly, he creeped through the front door, slipping off his boots and hanging up his hat. He shrugged off his jacket and replaced it with another--the red one, your favorite. The one you were most familiar with. In the entryway mirror, he cleaned himself up the best he could.

He heard your nurse call for him softly, and he padded over. On the kitchen counter, June was organizing and restocking your prescriptions: red for morning, yellow for afternoon, blue for evening. More pills than he could count.

“How is she?” he whispered. He tried to fight off the guilt that ate at his throat--he loathed being away from you for longer than the usual 9-5; this time, though, he’d been gone for over a week. He didn’t know how you would react after not being around him for so long.

June, always the gentle one, smiled and gave Jack’s arm a squeeze. “She’s alright today. Took her pills without fightin’, which is good news.”

“Good,” he said. He could still hear you humming, your voice brushing down the hallway from your shared bedroom.

He still didn’t move, though.

“She asked about you a few times,” June said, knocking Jack from his thoughts. “Sporadically, too.”

Unbidden hope filled Jack’s chest before he could snuff it out. “Do you think she’ll . . .”

“Recognize you?” June finished, closing the lids to your pill organizer before stepping away, pulling a key from her pocket. In a swift movement, she unlocked a nearby kitchen drawer, fitting the box amongst your other medications.

“At this rate, it’s a fifty-fifty chance,” she sighed. “You know she’d be fine if this was a regular day, Whiskey, but it’s been--”

“It’s been a week,” Jack ground out. “I know.” And he hated it.

It had been months. He’d been begging for a demotion for most of that time, pleading with Champ to knock him down to a regular shift. She’s sick, he would say. She’s getting weaker. Her memory’s fading. But Whiskey was their best agent, and Ginger wasn’t yet ready to take his place, so they couldn’t afford it. He would have to wait. And wait.

And wait.

But each day, you deteriorated further, your own body chipping away at your smile and laughter and warmth until you became a brittle shell of yourself. And there was nothing that Jack or the Statemen’s best medicines could do to stop it--nothing that could tell him what, exactly, was wrong with you.

“Go see her,” June urged, reaching forward and straightening the collar of Jack’s jacket. “I’ll be here in case anything happens.”

You always are, he wanted to say. Hell, she even had an apartment adjacent to their own--one that, when Jack was absent, she never visited. He paid her a hefty sum, sure, but it didn’t keep him from wishing the aged woman didn’t have to be around so much.

Stuffing his hands in his pockets, Jack brushed past June and made his way to his bedroom, glimpsing at the photos of you and him lining the hallway. They weren’t covered up today, which was a good sign; still, it did little to calm the anxiety pooling in his stomach.

The doorway to the bedroom was cracked enough for Jack to see you sitting on the window seat, overlooking the city--and the Statesmen Headquarters--beyond. The warm evening light seemed to sink into your skin as you leaned against the window glass, dressed in one of Jack’s shirts and an oversized sweater. He wasn’t sure if you knew the shirt was his.

“. . . love me long,

Take me to your heart.

For it’s there that I belong,

And we’ll never part . . .”

Your voice was soft, timid, but it soothed him instantly, as it always did. He simply stood there, entranced, watching as you sang to the city below. It wasn’t until the song came to an end and you turned around to replay it did Jack move, stepping into the room for you to see.

Your hand paused just above the record player when you noticed him. Immediately, you blushed like a schoolgirl. “Hello,” you said, a small smile pulling at your lips. And for a moment, you looked so normal that Jack’s composure fell apart, and he nearly fell to his knees--

“Are you the new nurse?”

His heart fell flat. No, no--you wouldn’t recognize him that quickly. It had been too long. There was no point in hoping.

“No,” Jack whispered, coming to stop a few feet away from you. Enough to keep you comfortable. “I’m just . . . here to visit.” For a moment, he saw you glance at the bruise adorning his cheek and tense--but then, slowly, he reached forward and moved the tonearm back to replay the song. You seemed to relax at that.

“You can sit, if you like,” you offered eventually, straining to shift your legs back a bit. He almost declined, seeing that you had to force yourself to move--but you had asked him. He couldn’t refuse.

As you moved, he was able to glance at your form a little better. You were paler, your skin losing more of its warmth, and you had lost even more weight in the week that he was gone. You didn’t look like you anymore, and that thought alone nearly broke him.

For the duration of the rest of the song, he watched as you hummed, returning your attention to the cityscape. He didn’t bother with conversation, content on just watching you. He had missed you, more than he could really comprehend--no matter how much the situation hurt him.

“You’re familiar,” you admitted after a while, once the song replayed again. “What’s your name?”

“Jack,” he replied, watching with a soft smile as you raised your hand in between you two. He took it gently, and your eyes lit up for a moment. And then it faded; it always did.

“Who’s the lucky lady?” you asked, eyeing the ring adorning his finger. On your own hand, you still were wearing your own band. You didn’t seem to notice.

For a second, Jack had to force himself to breathe, if only to keep himself from crumbling. It’s been a while, he had to remind himself. That’s it.

“The love of my life,” he said after a while, matching your own gaze. Something flickered there at his response before disappearing all over again.

Your expression grew soft as you dropped his hand, leaning back against the window as you were overcome with exhaustion. “A lucky woman, indeed,” you whispered.

It didn’t take long for you to fall asleep after that, lulled to sleep by the song you both knew like the back of your hand. He picked you up and tucked you into bed before hunkering down in that same window seat, watching your chest rise and fall.

Tonight, you didn’t recognize him. It was alright, though.

He’d try again in the morning.

“Love me tender,

Love me true,

All my dreams fulfilled.

For, my darlin’, I love you,

And I always will.”

* * *

General Tag list: @mutantsandproud @gollyderek @hiscyarika @aerynwrites @theforceofdarkandlight @murdermewithbooks

Let me know if you want to be added to my General taglist, Pedro Pascal list, or Agent Whiskey list!

#my writing #ff #fic #fanfic #agent whiskey #kingsmen golden circle #jack daniels #agent whiskey x reader #whiskey x reader #jack daniels x reader #statesmen #kingsmen

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gerudosage · 3 years

Text

this week was stupidly busy with general work stuff & family birthdays, so i haven’t been around much, apologies ! with any luck i’ll be on tomorrow evening, but no promises. i have been working on stuff behind the scenes, though, replies going into my queue & a few big headcanons getting drafted up, but they’ll be posted when they’re ready !

in the interim, to keep things ticking over, here’s a silly little drabble involving n.abooru & her wife talking about their kids, & first loves :> it touches on a few heavier topics, so content warning for mentions of war, implied death, violence, allusions to contraception & mentions of alcohol, & a read more for length.

❛ - & she’s nervous, i think, but i keep telling her, she’ll be fine. it’s not how it was when we were growing up, y’know ? ❜

❛ oh, i know, ❜

❛ between you & me, ❜ & if those weren’t her favourite words to hear, truly ! her head, which had been held, unmoving, as rhian’s now - stilled fingers weaved the hair upon it into a voluminous braid, turned just slightly sideward, tipped only so far back, to show how intently she would listen, as if she didn’t hang off of rhian’s every word already. with the slight dropping of the other woman’s voice, as though anyone was around who would dare listen in, it was probably for the best. ❛ i think she’s worried about who she’s going to find there, ❜

❛ oh. oh. that’s … ❜

❛ i know, & i’m not sure if telling her that it’s unlikely will make it better or worse, honestly. she’s never really asked about it, but i suspect that’s because she never thought she would ever actually leave, ❜

❛ well, did you ? ❜

❛ what, think she’d go ? ❜

❛ think any of us would go, ❜

❛ oh. oh, fuck no, ❜

a laugh bubbled up from within her at rhian’s nonchalant delivery, the involuntary tipping of her head undoing all of her beloved’s hard work, hair cascading freely down nabooru’s shoulders. the atmosphere of the room, which had begun to grow heavy, broke immediately, & if rhian minded that her effort had come to nothing, it was seen only in the gentle nudging of nabooru’s back with her foot, as she joined her wife in laughter, finding it infectious.

❛ what ? ❜ she asked once she had gathered herself, still smiling, feigning innocence. ❛ you asked, ❜

❛ i did, yeah, but you’re usually a little more, shall we say, diplomatic than that, ❜ nabooru retorted, smile growing across her own face. ❛ such a lack of decorum ! and in the chief’s chambers, at that ! ❜

❛ honey. i live here. ❜

❛ oh ? ❜ & the smile upon her face widened into a grin, already delighting in the inevitable wind - up. ❛ i don’t remember you asking permission to move - ow ! ❜

❛ serves you right, ❜ rhian hummed, withdrawing the hairbrush she had just so viciously attacked her wife with. it would be an injury that would never be forgotten, a war wound nabooru would moan about for months to come, but, really, entirely worth it. ❛ shut up & drink your wine, i’ll start again, ❜

❛ if you must, ❜ if awards were granted for acting, the fake sigh which was heaved from within her surely would have won nabooru all the accolades in the world, although she straightened her head, & her back, once more, shifting back into position on the pillow at her wife’s feet, though her wine, she left untouched. ❛ so, jeska’s overcome because she’s convinced she’s bound to run into him, & you’re, what, ninety per cent sure that she won’t ? ❜

❛ the last time we spoke, he was spinning some story about traveling to labrynna, & making a new life there, ❜

❛ ah, that classic. it’s almost like i’m there with you. twenty rupees saaaaays … he wanted either the glamorous life of a bard, or to settle down on a farm - with you by his side, of course, no matter what. he was drunk, yeah ? ❜

❛ … i didn’t actually agree to that bet, first of all, so i owe you nothing. but yeah, a little bit drunk. pissed, really. i’m pretty sure the ports were all still closed then, too. there’s no way … ❜

❛ … but you still hope he managed it, ❜

silence fell, nabooru’s hair running like waves through rhian’s fingers, & the fire crackling in the grate sounded, suddenly, much too loud for the room. there was a gentle tugging at her scalp as rhian worked, her focus having seemingly shifted entirely, & nabooru reached for the hand mirror by her side, angling it that she might see rhian’s face as she worked. her vision, as always, was somewhat blurred, but still, she could see the tell - tale tightness of rhian’s mouth, & the clench of her jaw, as if keeping a stiff upper lip could banish the feelings entirely.

❛ there’s nothing to say that he didn’t, ❜ she started, watching rhian’s reflection, ❛ maybe not then, but eventually. does she look like him ? ❜

❛ as much as any of the rest of us do, ❜ thank the goddess that rhian couldn’t properly see the sheepish grin which crossed nabooru’s face at her answer, having known, even as the question left her mouth, just how stupid it had been to ask. ❛ no, no, i know what you meant, it’s fine. &, well, she does, sometimes, though she doesn’t realize it. it’s the hair, really, & some of her mannerisms, honestly, it’s scary. you can see his influence, & it’s why she’s nervous, i think. she hasn’t said either way if it’s because she wants it to happen or not, but i think she’s afraid that she’ll be, well, recognizable, if she runs into him, ❜

❛ she should be proud to be recognized, rhian, she’s beautiful, ❜

❛ i think so too, ❜ rhian acknowledged, & despite the turn the conversation had taken, there was still a faint, unmistakable glow of pride within her on her daughter’s behalf. ❛ but just this once, it might have been better if she looked more like me, ❜ one hand stilled, holding the finished braid in place, whilst the other scrabbled for a ribbon to tie it with, their nightly routine almost complete. ❛ what about your girls ? ❜ rhian asked, then, & nabooru stiffened. ❛ do they take after their father ? i always thought makeela was your miniature, ❜

there was no reason for her to be so nervous, nor for the sudden pit to have opened up within her, & yet, she had no way of stopping it. she had taken rhian into confidence about many things before she had taken her as her wife, but their current topic of conversation had always been tip - toed around, a delicate matter neither had been eager to bring up. it was only fair for her to answer, considering rhian had spoken, so far, so candidly about jeska’s father, & yet, still, nabooru hesitated.

❛ oh, she is, ❜ she started after a moment, rhian listening carefully as she pulled the ribbon tight. ❛ she takes after him in the nose, i think, & in temper, sometimes, but otherwise, she’s just like me. they do call her a great beauty, don’t they ? truly, she should thank me for passing on such a magnificent face, ❜ humour always was a great deflector, & the air of ( not entirely fake ) arrogance which nabooru put on as she spoke was almost as effective, eliciting a snort of laughter from rhian as she finished her task, & let the heavy braid fall. ❛ she hates it when i say that too, grumbles about it all the time. i can’t blame her, really, but it’s just so fun, & so easy, to wind her up ! & vaiana … well, vaiana … ❜

❛ i understand, ❜ rhian said softly, filling the silence as nabooru trailed off, leaning down to squeeze her shoulders in an attempt at reassurance. ❛ it’s harder, i think, when they look alike. harder, still, when they ask about it, even after so long, after … well, everything. jeska’s terrified. she won’t say, but i think she does want it to happen, deep down, even if she won’t admit it to herself, & i think that’s almost worse, not knowing if you want to know. she’ll have no peace until she decides, one way or another, & i haven’t a clue how those dice will fall, ❜

❛ makeela couldn’t care less, ❜ nabooru confided, gently brushing her wife’s hand away so that she might stand up, her movement fluid despite the creaking in her left knee. ❛ or so she says. we haven’t spoken much about it, but when we have … she says she doesn’t need to know, because she’s had me. not - not always, but … enough of me, that it didn’t matter, ❜ it was reminiscent of her relationship with her own mother, & how, when the subject had been tentatively broached, she had been fiercely insistent that vashti was the only parent she would ever need in her life - but still, at times, she had wondered, & she was sure that, no matter what she said, on some level, makeela must have been the same. ❛ she’s still so kind about it. i don’t know where i got her from, truly. vai, though … ❜

❛ wait, ❜ realization shot through her like a bolt of lightning, & rhian sat straight as nabooru sank down on the divan, making herself comfortable atop the small mountain of pillows on her end. ❛ is that why she’s leaving ? she thinks - ❜

❛ she won’t find him, ❜ nabooru interrupted quickly, confidently, mournfully. ❛ i told her as much, but she’s determined, & stubborn as an ass about it, about everything. what else am i supposed to do ? she’s a woman grown now, & she’s more than capable of looking after herself out there, i know that in that, she’ll be fine, & i can’t - i can’t blame her for wanting to know, & i don’t, but i … i just … ❜

❛ it’s hard when you can’t protect them, even when you know they’re going to be hurt, ❜

❛ i swear, rhi, if i’d known it was going to be like this, i’d’ve taken the fucking purple potion, ❜

it was rhian’s turn, then, to snort loudly with an unexpected laugh, nabooru’s weary exasperation resonating strongly even as her delivery caught her off guard, the other woman having reclined on the divan with her head buried within her hands as she spoke, the picture of regal aggravation. she would have hit back with a quip of her own, had her laughter not been cut short by a heavy knocking at the door of their chambers, & nabooru immediately rose, though her eyes went not to the door, but to her wife. an interruption this late at night could only mean one thing, & they lingered only a moment, savouring the last of their peace, before nabooru rose, & padded across their chambers to answer the call.

❛ an emergency, i hope ? ❜ she called out as her hand fell upon the door handle, & she half turned back towards her wife, pulling a face all the while, eyes rolling upwards into her head, eliciting another snort of laughter, this time muffled by the goblet rhian had just raised to her lips.

❛ not quite, ❜ through the heavy wood of the door, the pair could already hear shula’s smirk, no doubt relishing, if not the chance to interfere with their evening, the trouble she was about to drag nabooru into, ❛ but enough of the problem that they need your guidance, boss, ❜

❛ chief, ❜

❛ nabsy, ❜

❛ shula, i swear - ❜

❛ it’s a bust up at the training grounds, ❜ shula continued, ignoring her chief’s exasperated muttering, & behind the door, nabooru frowned.

❛ this late ? ❜

❛ apparently it started earlier today. someone didn’t quite make it, but they, uh, well, they claim the whole thing is rigged, so they came back to get what they deserved, apparently, & ran into dayaan on the way. hilarious, really, that they even thought - ❜

❛ alright, alright, i get it. they’re fighting, then ? go separate them, take charge until i get down there, i need to find my shoes, ❜

there was a shout of something that could have been an affirmation, & then silence as shula took off down the hallway, leaving the women alone once more.

❛ do you think they do this on purpose ? ❜ rhian asked, setting aside her goblet & rising from her seat.

❛ they absolutely plan it, i’m sure of it. things getting too quiet ? sure, let’s mess that up, but let’s wait until the chief is on a date, first, then make such a fuss that she has no choice but to come running. honestly ! ❜ nabooru huffed as she bent at the doorway, swapping her slippers for her khussa, as rhian closed the gap between them.

❛ well, it is nice to see you take charge for once, ❜ her wife’s hand found its place on the small of her back as nabooru straightened, & nabooru immediately turned to face her, reaching out to pull her close.

❛ oh, just this once ? ❜ she asked, her indignation mostly fake, ❛ well, miracles can happen, i guess. frankly, they should be giving me a reward for this, we both know damn well shula could’ve handled this perfectly fine on her own, ❜

❛ mm, yes, but then wouldn’t you have complained of missing the action ? ❜

❛ shhh, ❜ nabooru ordered, hands coming up to cradle rhian’s face. ❛ you’re not allowed to be right on date nights. we had an agreement, ❜

❛ i can offer rewards, though, ❜ both women were smiling as their heads came ever closer. ❛ & a good luck kiss before that, ❜

❛ only one ? ❜

❛ well, it is technically - ❜

❛ shhh ! ❜ it was all too easy for nabooru to cut her off, their lips meeting as rhian’s arms reached up to drape around her neck, pulling her deeper into a kiss neither seemed all that eager to end.

❛ they’re going to think you got lost, ❜ rhian murmured, when at last, they broke apart, making no effort at all to disentangle herself.

❛ let them, ❜ nabooru replied, already leaning in for another. ❛ i don’t feel lucky enough to face them yet. guess you better kiss me until i do, ❜

#◆ ― drabble.#mmmmmm i think the ending on this is a little weak but #i'm satisfied enough with the rest of it that i don't care lmao #anyway. please let me talk to you about n.abooru & her wife i care them so much

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nerdygaymormon · 4 years

Text

My Queer Playlist

Whether they’re upbeat & joyful or they convey pain & sadness, songs are a way to bond with a lot of people over something as amazing as queerness. Music has a power & ability to cut through, communicate something, & bring people together. Music can make being queer not so isolating.

Everyone has their own list of songs, but here’s my queer playlist.

It includes songs by LGBTQ performers, gay anthems, songs that are about LGBTQ topics & people, and songs that speak to the queer experience (that you’re not alone, the search for self acceptance, things get better, you’ve got one life so make the most of it, and things like strength, perseverance, & love overcoming odds). And many of these are great songs for dancing, which makes sense as even today most of the specifically-queer spaces are bars and dance clubs.

You’ll notice that as the years go on, the number of songs starts increasing as it became safer to be out & queer topics became more accepted. You’ll also see a shift from borrowing the songs of female empowerment to having actual LGBTQ people singing about their lives and feelings.

-----------------------------------

1939 - Over the Rainbow : Judy Garland - The dreams that you dare to dream really do come true. Rainbows and dreaming of a better world--absolutely speaks to queer desires. When it was dangerous to be open about being gay, the term “friend of Dorothy” was a way for a gay people to identify each other. “Oh, you don’t know Bob? He’s a friend of Dorothy.”

1957 - Jailhouse Rock : Elvis Presley - This is a song about male inmates in prison dancing together. And there’s even a gay crush! Inmate Number Forty-seven said to Number Three “You’re the cutest jailbird I ever did see. I sure would be delighted with your company. Come on and do the Jailhouse Rock with me.”

1963 – You Don’t Own Me : Lesley Gore – This song is all about letting me be who I am and love who I love, stop trying to make me be someone I’m not. Lesley didn’t come out at the time as the music industry was homophobic, she eventually came out as a lesbian in 2005.

1964 - Don’t Rain on my Parade : Barbra Streisand - We do like great big colorful parades, don’t we? This song is about how we’ve got one life so live it with gusto, do the things you most want to do. I’m holding my own parade and nobody is going to rain on it.

1966 - You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me : Dusty Springfield - Generations of closeted women & men could identify with the idea that queer love couldn’t last, it was too risky, so they’d take what they can. You don’t have to say you love me, just be close at hand. You don’t have to stay forever, I will understand. Dusty was a lesbian who didn’t talk about it much at the time in mainstream media for fear of losing her career.

1967 - Respect : Aretha Franklin - Aretha turned this song’s message of demanding respect for oneself into a universal declaration of pride and demand for equal treatment for blacks, for women, for LGBT people. She did things like perform at the Elton John AIDS benefit or a private wedding for a high-profile gay couple.

1969 - Make Your Own Kind of Music : Mama Cass - The message is take pride in your uniqueness and individualism.

1970 – Ain’t No Mountain High Enough : Diana Ross – Love conquers all obstacles if you have enough faith in yourself.

1972 – All the Young Dudes : Mott the Hoople – David Bowie wrote this song’s lyrics and sings on the chorus. The words sound like he’s calling for all the young (gay) dudes to come together. All the young dudes (I want to hear you) Carry the news (I want to see you) Boogaloo dudes (I want to talk to you, all of you) Carry the news (now) And there’s also this lyric that sounds like Lucy is a trans woman or a drag queen, but don’t bully them because Lucy will defend themselves. Lucy looks sweet 'cause he dresses like a queen. But he can kick like a mule, it's a real mean team

1974 - Rebel, Rebel : David Bowie - Part of what made Bowie beloved amongst the queer community is he was celebratory in how he portrayed androgyny and gender non-conformity and he was sexually ambiguous (bi? gay? straight?), while at the same time flaunting sexuality in everyone’s face. He exemplified the message to be yourself, even if you’re queer. This song’s lyrics include “You’ve got your mother in a whirl. She’s not sure if you’re a boy or a girl”

1976 - Dancing Queen : ABBA - This is a story of a 17-year-old girl on a nightclub dance floor, lost in the music and the moment. Of course, “queen” has a different meaning in the queer community and so this is often sung tongue-in-cheek. There’s a delightful campiness to ABBA that has long-appealed to gay fans, and gay singers like Erasure, have covered ABBA songs.

1976 - Somebody to Love : Queen - Freddie Mercury, who composed these lyrics, was gay. The question he keeps asking “Can anybody find me somebody to love?” could be about being gay in a society when any sexuality besides ‘hetero’ was frowned upon.

1977 - I Feel Love : Donna Summer - This is a song about loving your body and your desires, a powerful sentiment for people whose attractions were once seen as deviant and who grew up feeling shame for who they are. Try to listen to this song and not feel like dancing.

1978 - Macho Man : Village People - These lusty lyrics worship the muscled physique of the ideal macho man

1978 – I Love the Nightlife : Alicia Bridges – Alicia was out as a lesbian and this song is about going to the club and dancing the night away, which appealed to queer listeners because that’s the space where they would get to unabashedly & joyfully express themselves.

1978 - Got to be Real : Cheryl Lynn - If you stay real, you’ll find “real love,” in other words, be authentic and you’ll find authentic love. The song was prominently featured in the 1990 documentary Paris Is Burning, which chronicles the ball culture of New York City and the African American & Latino gay and transgender community involved in it. There’s something deliciously ironic about Drag Queens strutting to the words about being “real”

1978 - I’m Every Woman : Chaka Khan - This song of female empowerment & strength appealed not only to women but also black and queer communities across the world because it is about taking on whatever roles you want. And it’s a favorite song for drag queens to lip sync & dance to as they can present themselves as “every woman.”

1978 - I Will Survive : Gloria Gaynor - You can imagine marginalized people asking the same questions in the song: “Did you think I’d crumble? Did you think I’d lay down and die?” The gay community has embraced this song that is a declaration of resilience & pride Even after decades of progress, many LGBTQ people still have to deal with daily assaults on their personhood & “I Will Survive” remains relevant.

1978 - Y.M.C.A. : Village People - Very fun song. The lyrics make me think of young gay teens migrating to big cities like New York (often after being kicked out by their parents). The YMCA’s provided cheap shelter for them. And of course, the lyrics hint at all the gay activity, too. “It’s fun to stay at the YMCA. They have everything for you men to enjoy. You can hang out with all the boys.“

1979 - Don’t Stop Me Now : Queen - Essentially the song is just a man intent on having a wild night out and inviting the rest of us to come along for the ride or else get out of his way. The love interests flip between male & female and back again.

1979 - You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real) : Sylvester - The singer is black, gay and some form of gender queer and sings the song in falsetto. He’s singing the praises of someone who makes him feel good, validated and alive. The words about feeling real, those mean something to queer people.

1979 - In the Navy : Village People - The United States Navy asked to use this song in a recruiting campaign, they thought it seemed like a catchy song praising the life of a sailor. They later decided against it when media started criticizing the use of taxpayer funds for a “gay” music group because it would further enhance the much-whispered talk of gay activity aboard ships, what with all these men stuck at sea with no women for long stretches at a time.

1979 - We are Family : Sister Sledge - A message of unity that resonates for queer people as we often have to build a chosen family, and this song fits that.

1979 - Go West : Village People - The song is about an imagined utopia free of homophobia and discrimination. Why “Go West?” In the USA that’s been the direction of freedom and opportunity, and plus San Francisco had become a gay mecca and it was on the West Coast.

1979 - Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight) : ABBA - A woman is alone in an apartment watching television late at night as the wind howls outside. She says, “Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight.” A sentiment many a gay man could sing along with.

1980 - I’m Coming Out : Diana Ross - Yes, this song is about that kind of “coming out.” The lyrics also are about being your truest self and throwing aside shame’s shackles.

1981 – Elton’s Song : Elton John - A moving piano ballad about a gay teenage boy’s hopeless crush on another boy. The song contains themes of heartbreak and shame. The video is enough to make me cry. This is from before Elton John was publicly out as gay

1981 - Tainted Love : Soft Cell - Having an openly gay man sing this song gave it layers of meaning. The gay experience is not all about empowerment & acceptance. This song coming at the start of the AIDS crisis came to represent some of the fear & paranoia that became part of gay life. “Once I ran to you, now I’ll run from you.”

1982 - Do You Really Want to Hurt Me : Culture Club - Boy George had a 6-year relationship with the band’s drummer, Jon Moss. The relationship was kept hidden from the public, and George often felt hurt because he wanted to be open about his love. While the song is about their secret relationship, the video is about being victimized for being gay. It shows Boy George getting kicked out of different places in various historical settings. In the courtroom, the jurors are in blackface to show the bigotry and hypocrisy of the many gay judges & politicians in the UK (most were closeted) who enacted anti-gay legislation.

1982 - It’s Raining Men : The Weather Girls - Super campy song, ridiculous words, but it’s sung fearlessly with over the top vocals that make it so good. What gay boy didn’t wish it was raining men?

1983 - I’m Still Standing : Elton John - These lyrics of showing a strong sense of endurance in the face of adversity is a theme that resonates with the queer community and is exemplified by Elton John, himself.

1983 - Na Na Hey Hey : Bananarama - This remake of the 1969 song by Steam didn’t change the pronouns. This girl group is singing to a woman, asking her to leave her man because “He’ll never love you, the way that I love you”

1983 - Church of the Poison Mind : Culture Club - A man falls in love with a religious gay man who, because of what he was taught at church, can’t resolve his own feelings about being gay. If you’re living in a society distorted by prejudice, take a chance on joy--embrace love, whatever form it takes.

1983 - I’ll Tumble 4 Ya : Culture Club - A light-hearted song about looking for someone to fall in love with sung by Boy George, the most famous man in drag in the 1980’s.

1983 - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun : Cyndi Lauper - This song is about breaking the rules, letting go, being free and being visible. And yeah, lesbians wanna have fun.

1983 - Karma Chameleon : Culture Club - If you’re a person who doesn’t take a stand because you don’t want to offend anyone by being true to who you are, then karma is gonna get you. Boy George was in a relationship with the drummer, who wasn’t out so it had to remain secretive. Their difficult lover-professional relationship was the inspiration for many lyrics in Culture Club songs, including the line, “You’re my lover, not my rival” in “Karma Chameleon.”

1983 - Relax : Frankie goes to Hollywood - At a time when gay sexuality was still mostly illegal and therefore usually portrayed in song & media by way of clever allusions, “Relax” was a song about gay sex—and despite the video being banned by the BBC and MTV—was the biggest pop song in the world. The chorus was about delaying sexual gratification to increase pleasure ("Relax, don't do it when you want to come")

1983 - I Am What I Am : Gloria Gaynor - Gloria has taken this Broadway song and given it a disco/dance vibe. The song is about coming out of the closet and living life authentically.

1984 - I Want to Break Free : Queen - The video is a parody of the U.K. soap opera Coronation Street, which has the entire band in drag, including Freddie Mercury as a housewife while singing lyrics about wanting to break down the boundaries of acceptability. The video was banned in the U.S. 🙄

1984 – Smalltown Boy : Bronski Beat – Wanting to escape the oppressive nature of a small hometown is something many queer kids long for. The song takes the pain of rejection and makes it danceable. What else makes this song notable is it’s from an openly gay group during the peak of the AIDS crisis.

1984 - You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) : Dead or Alive - The singer is queer and singing a love song, the New Wave music is hot, and this is an iconic classic of the 1980’s

1985 - Lover Come Back to Me : Dead or Alive - The 1980’s synth, the huge hair, and a queer singer telling his lover to come back.

1985 - Living on My Own : Freddie Mercury - This video was too controversial at the time and was banned because it featured drag queens, transvestites, and other questionable people enjoying themselves at a party. The lyrics talk about being lonely & living on my own (which I don’t know if he meant it this way, but it’s a good way to describe how it feels being in the closet), but there’s got to be some good times ahead and the music matches that upbeat hope.

1985 - Sisters are Doin’ It for Themselves : Eurythmics & Aretha Franklin - It’s a feminist anthem that also has appeal as a song of lesbian empowerment

1985 - Somewhere (There’s a Place for Us) : Barbra Streisand - This song from the musical West Side Story is about love that is forbidden by society and dreaming of a place where such love is accepted, a theme queer people certainly understand.

1985 - Thank You for Being a Friend : Cynthia Fee - This song is on the list because it was the theme song for the TV show Golden Girls. When most people think of that show, they think of the 80′s fashions, cheesecake, the one-liners and showed older women as having sex drives. What the LGBTQ community remembers is that it had remarkably progressive outlooks on LGBTQ rights for its time, with nods to the AIDS crisis, coming out and even same-sex marriage. This video shows some Pride highlights from the show.

1985 - Love Me Like There’s No Tomorrow : Freddie Mercury - The lyrics are about two lovers who are forced to go their separate ways, we’re not told why, but it’s clear the singer is sad about losing his beloved. This 2019 video is two white blood cells falling in love, only to have heartbreak ensue when one of them gets HIV. This video benefits the HIV/AIDS charity organization the Mercury Phoenix Trust (MPT). MPT was founded by Queen in memory of Freddie

1986 - Nikita : Elton John - Elton John sings of his crush on a person called Nikita, an East German border guard whom he cannot meet because he is not allowed into the country. In the video, the guard is female, but the name Nikita is a male’s name.

1986 - True Colors : Cyndi Lauper - The lyrics are about seeing who someone really is and loving them for it. And it doesn’t hurt that your “true colors are beautiful like a rainbow”

1987 - I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me) : Whitney Houston - This is popular with the LGBTQ community. We wanna dance with somebody like us, so we go to gay clubs.

1987 - It’s a Sin : Pet Shop Boys - This song is about a person’s lifelong shame and guilt, presumably for being gay. “For everything I long to do, no matter when or where or who, has one thing in common, too. It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin”

1987 - Faith : George Michael - The song, about declining hookups and patiently waiting for a more meaningful connection, portrays a balancing act with which gay culture has long wrestled. “Well I need someone to hold me but I’ll wait for something more. Yes, I’ve gotta have faith” is just as meaningful today in a culture searching for love while swiping left.

1987 - So Emotional : Whitney Houston - This is a great pop song with lyrics that people can easily see themselves in. Whitney sang a lot of non-gender-specific songs, this being one of them. What we didn’t know at the time is that Whitney’s best gal pal had once been more than that, they cut out the physical part of the relationship when Whitney signed with Arista Records in 1982, but remained best friends, so there may be a reason she preferred to sing love songs without a gender. Also, as if the song isn’t iconic in its own right, I will always think of the epic lip sync performance by the drag queen Sasha Velour when I hear this song.

1987 - Always on my Mind : Pet Shop Boys - This is a remake of an Elvis song, but they dropped the references to a girl, making the gender of the person they’re singing about ambiguous.

1987 - Father Figure : George Michael - The phrase “Father Figure” represents how someone can take on a paternal role, encouraging & inspiring another person. Many queer men suffer alienation & rejection from their fathers. As one of these men begins to explore emotional intimacy with another man, the singer assures him that he’ll take on the role of loving and mentoring him, help him work through those issues.

1988 - One More Try : George Michael - The singer is calling his new lover “teacher” (maybe because he feels he has a lot to learn about love). He’s hesitant to enter a new relationship because he has been emotionally hurt by a previous one. The song concludes with a willingness for “just one more try.”

1988 - A Little Respect : Erasure - Singer Andy Bell was one of the first openly gay pop stars to actually sing about queer romance. In this song he’s calling to a lover to not leave and asks the question, “What religion or reason could drive a man to forsake his lover?”

1988 - Kissing a Fool : George Michael - George is lamenting the recent lost love of a man "who listened to people who scared [him] to death and from my heart.” The line “strange that you were strong enough to even make a start” suggests that the ex-boyfriend was in the closet or was reluctant because of the baggage & reputation that came with dating a star like George Michael. Under the homophobic scrutiny, the boyfriend was made to “feel a fool.” In the end, George is heartbroken and is the one left feeling “a fool.”

1989 - Express Yourself : Madonna - “Don’t go for second-best” just because he treats you nicely in bed, but then is emotionally distant. Stand up for yourself and what you need in a relationship. So why is this on this Pride playlist? The music video! All those muscular men.

1989 - Part of Your World : Jodi Benson - This song is from Disney’s The Little Mermaid. Ariel rejected traditional marriage partners and wants to marry a human against her father’s wishes. She dreams of being a part of the human world. For a long time the LGBTQ community has wanted to pursue romance & marriage with whom we want in a society where we could belong & be welcomed.

1990 - Vogue : Madonna - “Look around: Everywhere you turn is heartache.” That’s not exactly a fluffy opening for a dance-pop song—and that’s the point. This is still the time of America’s AIDS crisis, and this song is inspired by New York’s gay ball scene. This song wants you to put away the heavy stuff for a little while and get on the dance floor.

1990 – Groove is in the Heart : Deee-Light – A message of love and good times and the singer, Lady Miss Kier, although a woman, has a drag-queen sensibility to her colorful retro style

1990 - Freedom! ‘90 : George Michael - This song is cleverly about 2 things. One is about his career–the breakup of Wham! and then the success of his album Faith, and how he’s tired of being pushed around by his label so he’s taking control of his career and telling people to disregard the pop imagery of his past. It’s also about him wanting to come out of the closet about being gay, “There’s something deep inside of me, there’s someone else I’ve got to be.” It would be almost another ten years before he was publicly out.

1990 - Being Boring : Pet Shop Boys - “When you’re young you find inspiration in anyone who’s ever gone and opened up a closing door,” I believe this is talking about being in the closet and the hope that comes from people who’ve come out. The final verse, “Some are here and some are missing in the 1990’s,” AIDS wiped out much of a generation of gay people in the 1980’s. Now he’s grown up and out of the closet as “the creature I was always meant to be.”

1990 - Gonna Make You Sweat : C+C Music Factory - Fun dance song. In a 1997 episode of the The Simpsons, a steel mill turns into a flamboyant gay club when this song comes over the loudspeaker

1991 - Losing My Religion : R.E.M. - Lead singer Michael Stipe had several times declined to address his sexuality, so when “Losing My Religion” came out, people assumed Stipe was hinting that he is gay. “Consider this, the hint of the century. Consider this, the slip.” It stands as a classic example of queer coding in the era of “don’t-ask-don’t-tell”. The song was often interpreted as the struggle of Michael Stipe as a closeted gay man to come to terms with what religion taught about him.

1991 - I’m Too Sexy : Right Said Fred - A fun song about a guy who is full of himself, thinks he is so sexy. Richard Fairbrass, the singer of the group, came out as gay at the time of this song, which made the song seem representative of a certain narcissistic part of gay culture that centers on the gym and muscle worship

1991 - Emotion : Mariah Carey - This song displays Mariah’s crazy vocal range, is upbeat and danceable. Mariah grew up a poor, biracial young woman in the 1970s and 1980s. She had a drive to prove she is “worthy of existing,” and this has resulted in a number of songs about self empowerment, overcoming obstacles, a desire to belong, and all those things are relatable to the LGBT community.

1991 - Finally : Cece Penniston - A dance hit about falling in love. A lot of people, including queer people living in a heteronormative world, wonder if we’ll ever find true love, and can relate to the excitement & relief of the lyrics that “Finally, it has happened to me.” This song was featured in the 1994 movie The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, which was about two drag queens and a trans woman trekking across the Australian Outback in a tour bus they named Priscilla. The show is a positive portrayal of LGBTQ individuals.

1992 - Constant Craving : k.d. lang - She had been a country singer, but came out as gay and released this song. Every lesbian knew exactly what k.d. was craving.

1992 - Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover : Sophie B. Hawkins - The song’s lyrics are written from the perspective of a woman who is observing another woman in an abusive relationship. The singer is having a difficult time seeing her “black and blue” and dreams of rescuing this abused woman and making her happy, taking away her pain, and being physically intimate with her. Hawkins has stated that she is “omnisexual.”

1992 - Take a Chance on Me : Erasure - ABBA had a following among the gay community, and Erasure singing one of their songs helped bring ABBA back into mainstream consciousness again. Plus in the video, two members of Erasure dress in drag playing like they’re the women from ABBA.

1992 - This Used to be my Playground : Madonna - The lyrics are about losing childhood innocence and gaining responsibilities. The song came to be seen as an ode to gay friends who died during the AIDS crisis, and the loss of innocence that epidemic caused.

1992 - The Last Song : Elton John - When he learned that his son was gay, the father had “disowned” him, but upon learning his son was dying from AIDS, overcame his homophobia to spend the final moments with his son. This one makes me cry.

1992 – Deeper and Deeper : Madonna - The song talks about sexual desire, though in the gay community it’s seen as being about a young man coming to terms with being gay. “I can’t help falling in love. I fall deeper and deeper the further I go. Kisses sent from heaven above. They get sweeter and sweeter the more that I know”

1992 - Supermodel : RuPaul - RuPaul’s debut single introduced much of America to “sashay/shantay.” RuPaul used this breakthrough hit to become America’s favorite mainstream drag queen.

1993 - Bi : Living Colour - One of the very few songs (that I’m aware of) that celebrates bisexuality. The main line is “everybody loves you when you’re bi”, which is so affirming.

1993 - Somebody to Love : Queen & George Michael - At the Freddie Mercury Tribute Concert, George Michael sang this song about a man calling out to God, asking why he works so hard but can't find love. At the end of the song, he finds hope and decides he will not accept defeat. Given our smaller numbers and the process we go through to accept ourselves, queer people often work harder to find love. And here is George Michael, who became a gay icon, singing the song fabulously.

1993 - What’s Up - 4 Non Blondes - This was the first Top 40 hit by an openly lesbian group (somehow the Indigo Girls never got higher than #52). The song begins with the singer saying she’s 25 but is feeling discontent and confusion. She cries as a form of relief because she feels a little peculiar. In the morning she steps outside and yells “what’s going on?” She tries in this institution (which many think means the homophobic and sexist aspects of American) and she calls for a revolution. Since 1993, in many ways we have seen a revolution that is overturning many aspects of the homophobic restrictions that had gay people feeling stuck in an institution rather than able to fully be themselves.

1993 - Go West : Pet Shop Boys - This is a remake of the song by the Village People which imagines a utopia free of homophobia and discrimination. It’s a song of queer community & spirit, and we’ll all do it “Together!”

1993 - Come to my Window : Melissa Etheridge - Melissa came out publicly coming out as a lesbian and then released an album titled “Yes, I Am.” This song from the album is about a secret love. “Come to my window, crawl inside, wait by the light of the moon.” Certainly many gay people know about keeping a love on the down low. The song’s bridge really voices what a lot of queer people feel: “I don’t care what they think, I don’t care what they say. What do they know about this love, anyway?”

1993 - Hero : Mariah Carey - The song has a message that really speak to LGBTQ people. Inside of every person is the ability to be your own hero. looking to yourself & finding the inner courage to be strong & believe in yourself through the hard ties. ”There's a hero if you look inside your heart. You don't have to be afraid of what you are.” And it goes on to speak about casting aside your fears and surviving and finding love within yourself. Btw, in 2016 Mariah was honored by GLAAD with the Ally Award, and she gave her definition of LGBTQ--”L: legendary. G: gorgeous. B: beautiful — all of you beautiful people! T: tantalizing, and even Q for quality!"

1994 - Streets of Philadelphia : Bruce Springsteen - Bruce wrote this haunting song for the film Philadelphia, which was about a lawyer who was fired for being gay & having HIV. This song is about a man dying of AIDS. The lyrics begin with him seeing his reflection, but the disease has given him lesions & he’s lost so much weight that he doesn’t even recognize his reflection. “Oh brother, are you gonna leave me wastin’ away on the streets of Philadelphia?” This line is asking how society could turn its back on those who need help the most, even here in Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love. As he’s walking the streets, he is thinking of friends who had died from AIDS. He can hear the blood pulsing in his veins, and he describes it as black, because HIV/AIDS is an infection of the blood and the disease is (figuratively) black and deadly.

1995 - I Kissed a Girl : Jill Sobule - A song of yearning, confusion, and freedom

1995 - Queer : Garbage - The term “queer” in these lyrics meant odd or different, but Garbage is very open to the queer community and how we use that word.

1996 – Jesus to a Child : George Michael - The melancholy song is a tribute to Michael’s Brazilian lover Anselmo Feleppa. Feleppa died from an AIDS-related brain hemorrhage. The song’s rhythm and harmony is influenced by the Brazilian bossa nova style. Michael would always dedicate the song to Feleppa before performing it live.

1996 - Fastlove : George Michael - A guy was in a committed relationship that didn’t work out and now he just wants to not worry about love. “Had some bad love, so fast love is all that’s on my mind.” But even as he’s saying he’s seeking a casual hookup, keeps saying he misses his baby, being with someone he loves would be his preference.

1996 – Seasons of Love : Cast from the musical Rent - What is the proper way is to measure the value of a year in human life? The most effective way is to “measure in love”. Since four of the lead characters have HIV or AIDS, the song is often associated with World AIDS Day and AIDS awareness month.

1997 - Go the Distance : Michael Bolton- This song from the Disney movie Hercules is about not belonging and declaring that no matter what struggles lie ahead, I’m going to find my place in the world. That's definitely inspiring.

1997 - You Have Been Loved : George Michael - George Michael wrote this song about Anselmo Feleppa, who died of an AIDS-related illness in 1993. The beginning of the song describes Anselmo’s mother, who visits his grave. The first chorus has Anselmo’s mother saying goodbye, telling him “You have been loved.” The ending chorus has Anselmo dying, telling George, “You have been loved.” The line, “If I was weak, forgive me; but I was terrified,” refers to the trauma George felt during Anselmo’s decline in health. While an intense song about grief and death, it also involves a spiritual struggle. Anselmo and his mother both say that God is not dead, George counters by challenging God. “What’s the use in pressing palms, if you [God] won’t keep such love from harm? It’s a cruel world. You’ve so much to prove.”

1997 - Come On, Eileen : Save Ferris - This is a remake of the 1982 hit by Dexys Midnight Runners which was about getting a school girl to overcome her Catholic repression and begin a romantic (and possibly sexual) relationship. Only now a woman is singing about Eileen and that makes it a queer song.

1997 - Together Again : Janet Jackson - The album notes included: “I dedicate the song ‘Together Again’ to the friends I’ve lost to AIDS.” It’s a sweet song with hopeful words. “Everywhere I go, every smile I see, I know you are there smilin’ back at me”

1998 - Diva : Dana International - Dana is a transgender woman who won the 1998 Eurovision Song Contest. It was the first major celebration of a trans artist on an international stage. Dana’s representation of her country Israel created a furor among Israel’s Orthodox Jewish community. After her win, she addressed her detractors. “My victory proves God is on my side,” read her statement. “I want to send my critics a message of forgiveness: try to accept me. I am what I am.” She was a beacon that many LGBTQ people in Israel list as their first hope that things could get better, that it is okay to be queer.

1998 - Reflection : Christina Aguilera - This song from the Disney movie Mulan is about how others don’t know the real you, which means the lyrics can fit the experience of being in the closet. “Look at me. You may think you see who I really am, but you’ll never know me. Every day it’s as if I play a part.” The song also is adopted by a lot of trans people because how they feel on the inside doesn’t match how they look on the outside. “Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don’t know?”

1998 - Believe : Cher - Whatever happens, you’ve gotta believe there’s something better coming. Keep going and loving, because the next love will be better. It’s about strength and power and hope. And the fact that it’s not always easy to be who you are.

1998 - Outside : George Michael - George Michael was entrapped by police committing a lewd act in a public men’s bathroom in Los Angeles under suspicious circumstances. The video mocks the way queer men are held to different standards about sex--many couples were caught getting frisky, but the gay couples are the ones arrested.

1999 - Man! I Feel Like a Woman : Shania Twain - This is about going out, letting down your hair and having a good time. The message is she loves being a woman. “The best thing about being a woman is the prerogative to have a little fun.” My queer friends who identify as women love feeling like a woman.

1999 - There She Goes : Sixpence None the Richer - It’s surprising that a Christian band with a female singer does a song about being attracted to a woman who you just can’t get out of your brain. “There she goes. There she goes again. Racing through my brain. And I just can’t contain this feeling that remains.”

1999 - When She Loved Me : Sarah McLachlan - This is from Toy Story 2, if you remove the idea this is about a toy, the lyrics are about a woman reminiscing a past female love.

2000 - It’s Not Right But It’s Okay (Thunderpuss mix) : Whitney Houston - “I’m gonna be okay, I’m gonna be alright” shows a certain defiance & determination to go on, a message that strikes a chord with LGBTQ people

2000 - Stronger : Britney - This is a declaration of independence and self-empowerment. “You might think that I won't make it on my own, but now I'm stronger than yesterday.” Those are lyrics that queer people can embrace. We always can use an empowering dance song.

2001 - Androgyny : Garbage - I think this song has two messages. First, don’t dismiss people who don’t fit traditional gender roles. The other message is about trans individuals who “can’t see the point in going on,” they’re reminded that “nothing in life is set in stone, there’s nothing that can’t be turned around.” Trans individuals who were assigned female at birth may consider themselves “boys in the girls room.” Then when they decide to present themselves as male, others may consider them to be “girls in the men’s room.”

2001 - I Want Love : Elton John - This song is about a man who’s gone through some hard times, lost love, and as a result has built up some scars around his heart, but yet he wants love. Elton was mid-30′s at the time the song was released, which is a time a lot of people look at their life and want someone to settle down with, want a deeper connection with someone they can trust and have a long-lasting relationship.

2002 - Cherry Lips : Garbage - This song is inspired by a fictional trans woman. “Cherry Lips” talks about a boy looking like a girl who makes the whole world want to dance.

2002 - Beautiful : Christina Aguilera - This song affirms those who feel they don’t fit in. The video includes young people with body issues, a goth punk, a person assigned male at birth putting on women’s clothes and two guys kissing in public. “I am beautiful no matter what they say. Words can’t bring me down.” But songs can lift you up, and this one does.

2003 – Defying Gravity : Idina Menzel – In this song from the musical Wicked, the character Elphaba sings of how she wants to live without limits, going against the rules that others have set for her. Plenty of queer people can relate.

2003 - Gay Bar : Electric Six - The words are straight forward, “I wanna take you to a gay bar.” The music video is nuts, lead singer Dick Valentine portrays Abraham Lincoln in the White House getting increasingly ready for the gay bar--loses the pants, exercises, takes a bath, wears bdsm leather.

2003- If You Were Gay : Cast from the musical Avenue Q - An irreverent musical using puppets had this song between the characters that resemble Sesame Street’s Bert & Ernie. It’s about how a closeted person may have trouble accepting themselves, even if their friend is affirming. This performance of the song by the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus is delightful.

2003 – Me Against the Music : Britney Spears and Madonna - The music video shows Spears and Madonna playing opposites in a nightclub. A cat-and-mouse chase ensues, and Spears finds Madonna in the end, only for the latter to disappear just before they kiss.

2004 - Toxic : Britney Spears - This song is basically a girl addicted to a guy and she’ll do anything to get what she wants, and the taste of his lips is intoxicating. Idk why this became such an anthem in the LGBT community other than in the early 2000′s Britney’s presence in pop culture was dominant, and she was a supporter of the queer community, and each song she put out was more empowering, sexually playful, along with a sense of vulnerability. I think for a lot of bi & lesbian women, Britney played some part in their sexual awakening. Plus there’s a stereotype that gay people walk quickly, that’s because we have Toxic by Britney Spears (143 bpm) playing in our heads.

2004 - Amazing : George Michael - After the painful and sudden death of his beloved Anselmo, George started a new relationship with Kenny. During that time, George’s mom was fighting cancer and Kenny was there for him. To be able to comfort a person in their time of grief and come out of it closer, that’s Amazing

2004 - Proud of Your Boy : Clay Aiken - This song was written for Aladdin and the words make me think of coming out and worrying what your parents are going to think and will they still be “proud of [their] boy”? Clay came out as gay a few years later in 2008.

2005 - Hung Up : Madonna - It’s about living your best life and not wasting anymore time on men who wont call you. And it has that synthesizer riff from ABBA’s Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)

2006 - And I am Telling You : Jennifer Hudson - This song is about an underdog, and being LGBTQ makes us underdogs in our heteronormative society. “And I am telling you that I’m not going.” I’m going to be here and I’m going to thrive, I’m going to be me and you’re going to see me and “You’re Gonna Love Me.”

2007 - Grace Kelly : MIKA - Mika wrote the song after he felt frustrated with record label executives who wanted him to change his sound to be more like another pop singer. Mika wrote “Grace Kelly” to reject pretending be someone else to win approval – in this case the glamorous actress Grace Kelly, or he “could channel a little Freddie” Mercury. Refusing to change who you are to find acceptance is the stuff gay anthems are made of. We love Mika because he’s authentically queer and has no interest in conforming and instead is his flamboyant self

2007 - Billy Brown : MIKA - It was all going according to plan for Billy Brown: he had a wife, two kids and a dog. Then he fell in love with another man.

2007 - Sweet Dreams : MIKA - Mika covers this 1983 Eurythmics’ anthem of resilience. The Eurythmics singer Annie Lennox was seen as something of a gender bender thanks to her buzz cut & men’s suits. This song acknowledges that sometimes life is hard, some people want to use or abuse you, but “hold your head up,” and keep moving on and you’re sure to leave the nightmare for a sweet dream.

2007 - I Don’t Dance : Corbin Bleu & Lucas Grabeel - This song from High School Musical 2 is where Chad, co-president of the drama club, is trying to get Ryan, co-president of the basketball team, to “swing” to the other side, if you know what I mean. The scene in the movie is about playing baseball, and at the end of it, the two of them are sitting together wearing the other’s clothes. Guess Chad got Ryan to swing.

2008 - Talk About Love : MIKA - Super catchy chorus, he’s fallen in love and now all he wants to talk about is his new love.

2008 - Just Dance : Lady Gaga - This is Gaga’s first hit and she tells herself to just dance and everything will be okay. Whatever hard things are going on in our life, sometimes we have to take a break from them, and dance. Lady Gaga performed this at the inaugural NewNowNext Awards, which were broadcast on the Logo network in June 2008. Logo is targeted to the gay community

2008 - I Kissed a Girl : Katy Perry - Katy has a boyfriend, but she kissed a girl and liked it. Don’t pretend you don’t want to run to the nearest drugstore for some new cherry chapstick after listening to this song. This song isn’t about being bi, it’s about experimenting.

2008 - Poker Face : Lady Gaga - “Poker Face” is all about masking your sexuality. During a performance in 2009, Gaga explained that the song dealt with her personal experience with bisexuality. When she’s with a man but fantasizing about a woman, she’s got a “Poker Face” so he won’t know what is going through her mind.

2009 - Cover Girl : RuPaul - The theme song to the RuPaul’s Drag Race TV show which brought Drag performance and culture to the masses.

2009 - You Belong with Me : Taylor Swift - Not 👏 a 👏 single 👏 male 👏 pronoun 👏 in 👏 sight! The singer is pining over her close friend, who is dating a girl who doesn’t really get them. There’s nothing stopping us from reading this as a girl crushing on her gay best friend.

2009 - Bulletproof : La Roux - Everyone was asking if singer Elly Jackson was a lesbian or bi and she was vague in answering. She had a girlfriend but was worried what coming out would mean for her career. She still doesn’t like labels, she feels androgynous but more feminine than masculine, and she doesn’t call herself “gay”, “straight” or “bisexual.” However, she says "if people want to hold me up as a gay role model, absolutely, I’m proud to be that, but I don’t feel the need to say that I’m gay to do it.” The song is about a girl who has been through a lot of bad relationships and hopes that "next time maybe, I'll be bulletproof" meaning she hopes she doesn't get hurt in the next relationship she's in.

2009 - Bad Romance : Lady Gaga - First, it’s gender neutral so any of us can sing without translating pronouns. Second, it’s about loving someone completely, including their “bad” parts, “I want your ugly, i want your disease.” Third, Lady Gaga showed up to the 2010 MTV Music Awards w/ four members of the U.S. military who had been discharged or resigned because of the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy. When she went on stage to receive the Video of the Year award for “Bad Romance,” Gaga wore the now-infamous “meat dress,” as a way to show her anger about the military’s anti-LGBTQ policy. “If we don’t stand up for what we believe in and if we don’t fight for our rights, pretty soon we’re going to have as much rights as the meat on our bones.”

2009 - Whataya Want From Me : Adam Lambert - I wonder if this song is referencing when he was figuring out his sexuality with words like “Yeah, it’s plain to see, baby you’re beautiful and there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s me, I’m a freak.”

2010 - Cold War : Janelle Monáe - The song starts off saying “being alone's the only way to be. When you step outside, you spend life fighting for your sanity.” The chorus is how this is a cold war and knowing what you’re fighting for. Then there’s a bridge about strengthening the weak and if we unite and have faith in love then the mighty will crumble. This is followed by “I was made to believe there was something wrong with me.” So powerful. Alone we feel weak and need to hide, but united we are strong. Janelle has said this and additional songs about being the “other” can be about being a lesbian or being a gay man or being a black woman.

2010 - If I Had You : Adam Lambert - I love how the beginning sounds like Adam is going out to a gay club “So I got my boots on, got the right amount of leather, and I’m doing me up with a black color liner, and I’m working my strut.” Not the way we usually hear about a guy getting ready for a night out

2010 - Dancing on my Own : Robyn - It’s a break up song. “Somebody said you got a new friend. Does she love you better than I can?” But with a great dance beat like this, it’s a sure bet Robyn won’t be dancing on her own for long.

2010 - All the Lovers : Kylie Minogue - A feel-good dance track about love. The video has people strip down to their underwear, form a pyramid and begin kissing. All sorts of people kissing, very pansexual.

2010 - Mine : Taylor Swift - This is a song about a careless man’s careful daughter going off to college and falling in love with a small town waitress. That’s it. That’s the song.

2010 - Ice Cream Truck : Cazwell - This is something of a guilty pleasure. It’s a cute, simple and upbeat 1980’s-style hip-hop summer anthem that conveys happiness about being gay. I would describe the video as delightfully raunchy, a bunch of shirtless male dancers licking their popsicles (and a couple of butts also make an appearance)

2010 - Raise Your Glass : P!nk - The song is a call to the underdogs of the world, the “loud and nitty-gritty dirty little freaks,” to ignore convention and just let loose. Lyrics like these are so relatable: “So raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways, all my underdogs.” Plus, the video has her singing at a gay wedding.

2010 - We R Who We R : Ke$ha - After a news story that bullying led to multiple suicides of gay youth, Ke$ha wrote this song in hopes that it would become a Pride anthem. The song is intended to inspire people to be themselves, and as a celebration of anyone deemed quirky or eccentric. Kesha was upset people have to hide themselves and pretend to be someone other than who they are in order to be safe.

2010 - Firework : Katy Perry - Everyone is a firework–an ordinary, ugly, or insignificant wrapping but in the right situation, they ignite and show how amazing, extraordinary, and beautiful each of us is. No wonder it’s loved by the queer community, once we come out, others see we’re bright and beautiful. The video features a scene in which two boys passionately kiss. And the lyrics “after the hurricane comes a rainbow” fits because rainbows are tied to the LGBTQ community. Katy Perry dedicated this song to the “It Gets Better” video campaign aimed at gay youth who may feel alone or suicidal.

2010 - Teenage Dream : Glee Cast - This song being sung by one boy for another was a big moment on a big TV show.

2010 - F**kin’ Perfect : P!nk - With all the negative messages we grow up hearing about our gender identity or sexual orientation, it’s so affirming to hear “Don’t you ever ever feel like your less than, less than perfect”

2011 - Born This Way : Lady Gaga - Many songs hint at queer identities and acceptance by using metaphors, but not this one, it is direct. “No matter gay, straight, or bi, lesbian, transgender life, I’m on the right track, baby, I was born to survive.”

2011 – Mean : Taylor Swift – This is an anti-bullying public service announcement. Even more than others, Queer kids are subject to bullying, so a song addressing the topic resonates. And then there’s a lyric about moving to the big city, which for us can be understood as a place where it’s safe to be gay. “Someday I’ll be living in a big old city, and all you’re ever going to be is mean.”

2011 - Americano : Lady Gaga - This song is about the unjust laws that exist in America, particularly regarding immigration and gay rights. The scenario is she falls in love with a girl from East L.A. (heavily Hispanic population) but can’t marry due to the laws prohibiting gay marriage. As to the “I don’t speak your Americano, I don’t speak your language oh no, I don’t speak your Jesus Cristo” I think it’s rejecting the religious rhetoric used to justify the laws.

2011 – Call Me Maybe : Carly Rae Jepsen - The video begins with Carly Rae spying on her attractive neighbor as he is working on his lawn. She tries to get his attention with various provocative poses only for her neighbor to give his phone number to Carly Rae’s male band mate

2011 - We Found Love : Rihanna - Finding love in a hopeless place, for many queer people this can be what it’s like in a heteronormative society, or when we’re in the closet and find someone. Or also that hard transition to accept & love yourself, and then going from that to hoping to find someone.

2011 - Take a Bow : Matt Alber - A beautiful, heartfelt cover of the 1994 Madonna song with just a guitar for accompaniment. With an openly gay man singing the words, it transforms this into a gay love song.

2011 – Titanium : David Guetta feat. Sia – The openly queer singer Sia wrote this song about enduring everything the world throws at you and coming out stronger

2012 - Starships : Nikki Minaj - The lyric "starships are meant to fly," is a line about reaching one's full potential in life. A great song to sing when needing motivation to just go for it and not let other people’s ideas or judgements box you in. Nikki has been an ally to the queer community. On MTV she encouraged her gay fans to be fighters and to be brave, and she canceled a concert in Saudi Arabia to show support for women and LGBT+ people in the country.

2012 – Thinkin About You : Frank Ocean – Just before this song was released, Frank Ocean came out. There haven’t been many hip-hop stars who are openly gay. And it got me wondering who it is he’s been thinking about?

2012 - Same Love : Macklemore & Ryan Lewis - I have a nephew who got called gay for wearing stylish clothes, being neat, and interested in art & music. He had a hard time accepting that his uncle (me) is gay because of his experience, and it made me think of this song.

2012 - I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me) : Matt Alber - A gay man singing the big Whitney Houston hit about wanting to dance with someone.

2012 - Wings : Little Mix - Little Mix is a British girl band well-known for being LGBTQ Allies and including LGBTQ themes in their songs. Wings is about believing in yourself and not letting anyone put you down, a message that resonates with their LGBTQ fans.

2012 - Let’s have a Kiki : Scissor Sisters - A drag performer is heading out to put on a show, but when she arrives at the club it’s been shut down by the police. So she calls up a friend and announces “We’re coming over and having a kiki.”

2012 - Closer : Tegan and Sara - Not many bands are made up of twin lesbian sisters. This song is really cute. The lyrics are about the anticipation before the kiss, before anything gets physical.

2012 - For All : Far East Movement - As the fight for marriage equality was taking place, this group sang “Love is for all. Life is for all. Dreams are for all. Hope is for all. Feel the love from everybody in the crowd now, this is for y’all, this is for all.” The video intersperses some uplifting words from President Obama.

2012 - They Don’t Know About Us : One Direction - People tell a couple they shouldn’t be together and that their love isn’t real. Sound like something a queer couple might hear? In the song, no one can stop them, they’re together for life. Also, people thought this song might have been hinting about Larry Stylinson (Louis & Harry).

2012 – Somebody Loves You : Betty Who - The song keeps saying “somebody loves you,” and that somebody is the person singing the song. Most people discovered this song from a viral video of a gay marriage proposal at a Salt Lake City Home Depot

2013 - Lay Me Down : Sam Smith - A melancholy song with a video to match of a husband being buried and Sam saying to also Lay Me Down. But then Sam reminisces about a happier, more blissful time–their gay wedding that was held at the same church.

2013 - People Like Us : Kelly Clarkson - the song is about all the people who are brave enough to challenge the social norms to bring about change in the world. These words in particular strike me, “this is the life that we choose” and “come out, come out if you dare.”

2013 - Popular Song : MIKA feat. Ariana Grande - This is an imaginative updating of the song “Popular” from the musical Wicked. The lyrics are about how being popular and cool in school isn’t enough, and those who bullied others grow up to not be so popular. In other words, the tables will turn, you’ll need more to be successful than being popular.

2013 - Brave : Sara Bareilles - Sara wrote this song of courage as a love letter to a friend who was struggling as an adult to come out as gay.

2013 - Q.U.E.E.N. : Janelle Monáe - The title is an acronym for Queer, Untouchables, Emigrants, Excommunicated, and Negroid. The song is about the empowerment of oppressed people. Monáe uses a question-answer format to explain stereotypes, misconceptions, and oppression.

2013 - Cameron : Jilette Johnson - The song is inspired by a real life Cameron the singer knew & loved. Cameron is a young gender-non-conforming person who isn’t accepted by their family or society. The singer repeats, over and over, that Cameron isn’t the alien the world thinks they are – “Cameron, you’re a star, a light where there is dark. And you’re a hundred times a woman, a hundred times the man that they are.”

2013 - All Night : Icona Pop - The song is about expressing yourself, and that life gets better and we will find ourselves dancing. The video is about the LGBT house ballroom subculture.

2013 - She Keeps Me Warm : Mary Lambert - A beautiful song about how women can love each other, protect each other and desire each other. And the lyrics “not crying on Sundays,” I think means not believing the damning words preached by religion about being gay

2013 – Take Me to Church : Hozier - This is a ode to worshiping in the bedroom. Hozier is an outspoken LGBTQ ally and the music video depicts two gay men being ripped apart by homophobic violence in Russia. It brought international attention to the anti-gay laws in Russia.

2013 - Work Bitch : Britney Spears - The things you want in life are attainable but you gotta focus and work. Britney wrote this song with her gay friends in mind. “I don’t call everyone… that word. I just use it as, it’s like in respect to the gays as a term of endearment.”

2013 - Girls/Girls/Boys : Panic! At the Disco - There is a love triangle between a boy and two girls, and the boy is being played off against a girl for the other girl’s attention. Pansexual rock star Brendon Urie sings “Girls love girls and boys. Love is not a choice.”

2013 - Follow Your Arrow : Kacey Musgraves - “kiss lots of boys – or kiss lots of girls, if that’s something you’re into.” It's sad that a one-liner about kissing whoever you like is still controversial in Country music today, but I love her poking holes in that genre’s homophobia.

2013 - Let It Go : Idina Menzel - From the movie Frozen, this song says to abandon the fear and shame, be yourself, be powerful. The lyrics could almost come from an It Gets Better video about embracing who you are. And these lines are how it feels after some time has passed and we look back at our coming out experience: “It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small. And the fears that once controlled me, can’t get to me at all”

2014 - Sleeping with a Friend : Neon Trees - Glenn Tyler says he was thinking of a straight male friend when he wrote this (but used female pronouns in the song). It’s an unusual love song because it’s a cautionary tale of hooking up with someone you’re close with.

2014 - Rise Like a Phoenix - Conchita Wurst - The lyrics are about combating prejudice and the judgement of others in modern society. Conchita won Eurovision singing this song while wearing a gown, makeup and a beard.

2014 – Stay With Me : Sam Smith – One night Sam fell for someone, but they didn't feel the same. Good ol’ unrequited love. Sam used this music video to come out as gay by admitting the person being sung about is a man.

2014 - Sissy that Walk : RuPaul - A perfect walkway song for all those drag queens, and any of the rest of us, who want to strut what we got

2014 - Really Don’t Care : Demi Levato - The video starts off with Lovato expressing her support for the LGBTQ community and saying that “My Jesus loves all.” The music starts and Levato is singing at a Pride parade. Demi said “When I thought of the lyrics ‘really don’t care’, it made me think of bullying, and made me think of the LGBTQ community, who deal with that so often, but they accept themselves.”

2014 - Break Free : Ariana Grande feat. Zedd - Ariana’s older brother is gay and she grew up around his friends, she’s an ally. And the words of this song, “I’m stronger than I’ve been before. This is the part when I break free ’cause I can’t resist it no more” has the theme often found in gay anthems--that things are tough, but I’m tougher and going to make it. Breaking free of what the world wants you to be to become who you truly are has made this song a coming-out anthem.

2014 - Secrets : Mary Lambert - We grow up hiding things about ourselves, we all have secrets, but how much better when we don’t care if the world knows our secrets. “They tell us from the time we’re young to hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves inside ourselves. I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else. Well I’m over it”

2014 - Feeling Good : George Michael - This is the final song released by George before his death. It expresses a particular kind of joy which comes with liberation from oppression. Nina Simone’s stunning vocal performance of this song in the 1960’s during the Civil Rights movement made it a manifesto of that movement’s burning desire for freedom. And then here is George Michael, a gay man, and the song is born again as a desire for the queer community to be liberated from oppression.

2014 - Centuries : Fall Out Boy - Peter Wentz, one of the co-writers of this song, says the idea is a “David vs.Goliath story” meant to empower people who are a little weird. Justin Tranter, another of the co-writers, revealed in 2018 that trans pioneer Marsha P. Johnson was the inspiration for the song. When making the announcement, Tranter said, “I want every LGBTQ person to know that our ideas are mainstream. We have stories to tell and people will f*cking listen”

2014 - Put ‘Em Up : Priory - The song begins with a religious mom saying her trans kid has some kind of sickness. The mom may not be happy, but “we're hangin' with the boys that look like girls tonight” and “we're hangin' with the girls that look like boys alright”. The video features trans & gay people.

2014 - Jessie’s Girl : Mary Lambert - This is a remake of the 1981 hit song by Rick Springfield, but now it’s a woman longing for Jessie’s girl.

2014 - First Time He Kissed a Boy : Kadie Elder - This is about recognizing your sexual orientation at a young age and the difficulties that can follow. Being a teen isn’t easy and the choices teens have to make aren’t easy, but if you are brave enough and stand up for yourself, you might shock others but you might also become happy. It has a gay-positive video that tells the story in a touching way.

2014 - Welcome to New York : Taylor Swift - An insecure girl falls in love with a city where you can want who you want. “When we first dropped our bags on apartment floors, took our broken hearts, put them in a drawer. Everybody here was someone else before, and you can want who you want: boys and boys and girls and girls”

2014 - Little Game : Benny - Many people may know Benny from his YouTube channel. Little Games is about the ways in which rigid concepts of gender still dictate our behavior today. I think the creepy and catchy melody & video are a good match for the lyrics “play our little game"

2015 - All-American Boy : Steve Grand - A Country song that tells the story of a gay young man in love with a straight male friend.

2015 - Don’t Wait : Joey Graceffa - Joey is a well-known YouTube personality and with this song he came out. The song says to not wait for the world to get ready but to go explore and find what you’re looking for. The video is the adorable queer fairy tale we’ve all been waiting for. I love these lyrics, “The darkness can be such a lonely place on your own, I’ll be your compass so you’ll never feel alone.”

2015 - Calling Me : Aquilo - Growing up, we all grapple with who we are and who we want to become. We all go through a period of being unsure of our personality, creativity and perhaps even our sexuality. We have to battle to not be defined by what others think of us, but to believe in ourselves. It’s a battle we’ve all had to fight. In the video, the singer learns to stay strong, keep his head high and accept who he is, even if others can’t.

2015 - Good Guys : MIKA - Mika plays off the 1997 Paula Cole hit “Where Have all the Cowboys Gone” but instead asks “Where have all the gay guys gone?“ Mika shifts “gay guys” to “good guys” and lists his queer heroes who helped him get to where he is, while also looking forward to what the future holds for the LGBTQ community.

2015 - Body was Made : Ezra Furman - Ezra says this “is a protest song against the people and forces that would make me ashamed of my body, my gender and my sexuality.” This song’s message is taking ownership of your own body and identity, and not letting anybody else interfere with that. Furman identifies as trans and bisexual, and uses he/him and she/her pronouns

2015 - No Place in Heaven : MIKA - He’s singing about how there’s no place in heaven for gay people. “Father, won’t you forgive me for my sins? Father, if there’s a heaven let me in”

2015 - Girls Like Girls : Hayley Kiyoko - This was Hayley’s unofficial coming out as a lesbian and in this song she sings that “Girls like girls like boys do, nothing new” The video has some images of violence as a boy is angry that his girlfriend likes girls, but in the end the lesbians win.

2015 - Cool for the Summer : Demi Levato - She is curious and has a woman she’s gonna spend the summer exploring with. “Got a taste for the cherry and I just need to take a bite.”

2015 – Run Away with Me : Carly Rae Jepson - Carly Rae sings about getting away with someone for the weekend. Whether it’s just that your schedules have kept you busy or you have to keep this secret (“I’ll be your sinner in secret”), it’s very romantic. Oh, and lack of gendered pronouns makes it even more relatable to the queer community.

2015 - Alive : Sia - The song is about someone who had a tough life, but says “I’m still breathing, I’m alive.” It is the personification of resilience and perseverance.

2015 - Youth : Troye Sivan - It’s a really beautiful song about giving the best years of yourself to someone you love. The video features gay couples.

2015 - Genghis Khan : Mike Snow - This video surprised me the first time I saw it. A James Bond-type hero & villain fall for each other.

2016 - Unstoppable : Sia - Instead of just surviving, Sia is going to prove to people that she’s going to succeed. And like her, this song helps us put our armor on so we also feel strong and get through the day and smash through barricades.

2016 - Secret Love Song : Little Mix - Secret Love Song could be heard as being about the struggles faced by LGBTQ people when coming to terms with their sexuality and showing affection in public. I especially like the Secret Love Song, Part II version as the video makes clear the LGBTQ meaning.

2016 – Formation : Beyoncé – At the GLAAAD Media Awards, Beyoncé used the lyrics from this Black-power anthem to advocate for gay rights when she said “LGBTQIA rights are human rights. To choose who you love is your human right. How you identify and see yourself is your human right. Who you make love to and take that ass to Red Lobster is your human right,”

2016 - Son of a Preacher Man : Tom Goss - This 1968 song gets a surprising gay update. The video tells the story of two gay teens struggling to understand their sexuality and feelings for one another while operating within the confines of an evangelical church.

2016 - Boyfriend : Tegan and Sara - This song tells the exhausting story of someone you’re basically dating, but they won’t come out in the open and admit it because they’re scared, confused, and insecure about their sexuality. “I don’t wanna be your secret anymore.”

2016 - I Am What I Am : Ginger Minj - This song is from a Broadway show about drag queens. The message is you only get one life so take your shots, whether or not they succeed, it’s better to live your life authentically as who you are. And I love this video featuring Drag Queens from RuPaul’s Drag Race.

2016 - The Greatest : Sia - Dedicated to the LGBTQ community in the wake of the Pulse shooting, Sia begs us to not give up and to still follow our dreams. The video features 49 dancers, one for each victim of the shooting. The song celebrates the spirit of being defiant and trying to be the best you can be in the face of adversity, which is something the LGBTQ community have managed to do for many decades. Yet despite the uplifting, catchy music and lyrics, there’s also a sense of tragedy about how that spirit and potential came to an abrupt end for the victims of the shooting.

2016 - G.D.M.M.L. Grls : Tyler Glenn - Despite the best efforts by this gay man to make church work, it didn’t work out because God Didn’t Make Me Like Girls.

2016 - Heaven : Troye Sivan feat. Betty Who - Troye sings candidly about what it’s like for a religious teenager to come out as gay. “Without losing a piece of me, how do I get to heaven? Without changing a part of me, how do I get to heaven? All my time is wasted, feeling like my heart’s mistaken, oh, so if I’m losing a piece of me, maybe I don’t want heaven?” Troye explains “When I first started to realise that I might be gay, I had to ask myself all these questions—these really really terrifying questions. Am I ever going to find someone? Am I ever going to be able to have a family? If there is a God, does that God hate? If there is a heaven, am I ever going to make it to heaven?” The video features footage from LGBTQ protests throughout history.

2016 - Devil : Tyler Glenn - A song that highlights the conflict between religious belief and queerness. “I found myself when I lost my faith” and not being able to “pray the gay away.” The constant in his world, what he’s anchoring himself to, is that his mom still loves him, and I love that because studies show the acceptance & love of a parent makes a huge difference when someone comes out.

2016 - Midnight : Tyler Glenn - The Neon Trees frontman gives an emotional song about his departure from the Mormon church, but not from God. The ballad is accompanied by a video that shows Glenn removing his religious garments and replacing them with a glittering jacket.

2016 – I Know a Place : MUNA – This is a song of safety & nonviolence, which is important to the LGBTQ community as there’s many times we don’t feel safe being open about who we are and who we love. All three members of MUNA are queer. This song came out around the time of the Pulse nightclub shooting in Orlando which shattered that feeling of safety people thought they had in queer bars, clubs and spaces where we don’t have to hide who we are and should be free to be ourselves.

2016 - Boys Will Be Boys : Benny - The phrase “Boys will be boys” is typically used to excuse toxic masculinity, but this song turns it on its head. Benny wants “boys will be boys” to mean each person is different and doesn’t need to follow specific gender roles. Whatever a boy is, that’s what a boy will be.

2017 - Believer : Imagine Dragons - The adversity you come across in life is what helps you grow to become a “believer” in yourself. "Oh let the bullets fly, oh let them rain / My life, my love, my drive, it came from / Pain / You made me a, you made me a believer, believer." This song was being written around the time of the election of Donald Trump, and one of the co-writers, Justin Tranter, expressed fear about the future. This song is the result--speak our truth no matter what comes our way.

2017 - You Will Be Found : Ben Platt - This song from Dear Evan Hansen means a lot to me. There’s a gay teen who says this is our song because I found him when he most needed help. But for everyone, this song is hopeful that when you need it, someone will be there for you.

2017 - Symphony : Clean Bandit - As a musician, I really like the imagery of the lyrics--Before all I heard was silence by now with you I’m hearing symphonies, “And now your song is on repeat, and I’m dancin’ on to your heartbeat. And when you’re gone, I feel incomplete.” The video shows a loving queer black couple torn apart by catastrophe and a reminder that music & art are a way for us to deal with grief and celebrate our loved ones.

2017 - 1-800-273-8255 : Logic - This is a song about a closeted guy who is suicidal and calls a help line. The operator wants him to be alive and helps save him in that moment.

2017 - Bad Liar : Selena Gomez - The video portrays a love triangle (with each character played by Selena)–a curious high school student, seductive gym coach and a male teacher. Towards the end of the video, the high school student sings the line, “With my feelings on fire, guess I’m a bad liar,” as she looks at a photo of the gym teacher. It’s a scene that shows the fear & bravery of acknowledging and declaring our sexuality—a moment many queer people know

2017 - Love is Love is Love : LeeAnn Rimes - This song celebrates the LGBTQ community. Rimes said that “A ‘Pride’ celebration is a living thing. It is breathing authenticity. It’s a space we hold for one another, a place to come into what our souls move us to be, it’s a place in love and only love,” adding “That’s why the LGBTQ community continues to inspire me and enliven my spirit every time I perform for them.”

2017 - Swish Swish : Katy Perry - A song about fighting against bullies, “Swish Swish” uses basketball metaphors to talk about overcoming hateful people and thriving. That’s a theme that LGBTQ+ people can identify with.

2017 - If They Only Knew : Alfie Arcuri - The song is of a previous relationship where Arcuri’s ex-partner’s parents didn’t know he was gay. Arcuri explained “We were together for a couple of years and half way through the relationship he came out. The song is almost like a diary entry for me telling his parents how innocent our love and relationship was because to them I was like the devil who turned their son gay. It wasn’t like that at all though, it was a beautiful love.” The video is a short film that shows one guy in the closet and his friend helping him see it’s okay to be gay.

2017 - Power : Little Mix - Willam, Alaska and Courtney Act from RuPaul’s Drag Race are featured in this video. The song is about gender politics in a relationship.

2017 - Cut to the Feeling : Carly Rae Jepson - This is a song about liking someone and wanting to skip past all the awkward introductions and just get to the feelings where they’re being real with each other, dancing together and celebrating love. That already works as a queer song, and then add to it this viral video by Mark Kanemura. When she played at a Pride celebration, Carly Rae had Mark reenact his dance to the song

2017 - The Village : Wrabel - Just because transphobia is common, it doesn’t mean it is right or that you are wrong. There’s a line in the song that hits me hard, “One line in the Bible isn’t worth a life.” And the video is beautiful, very poignant and it breaks my heart and gives me hope.

2017 - Heaven : State of Sound - A remake of the 1984 Bryan Adams song which was a standard love song of a boy and a girl. However, there were no gendered pronouns in the song and State of Sound’s video shows it works just as well for all sorts of queer couples

2017 - Bad at Love : Halsey - Halsey flips through all the guys and girls she’s dated in an attempt to understand why she hasn’t yet found love. Queen of bisexual relatability!

2017 - Feelings : Hayley Kiyoko - This song is about having a crush on someone. The video has Hayley chasing after a girl

2017 - This is Me : Keala Settle - The song from The Greatest Showman sings of resilience in the face of hardship — which, after all, is what Pride is all about. “Another round of bullets hits my skin. Well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in”

2017 - HIM : Sam Smith - This is a song about a boy in Mississippi coming out and the conflict between his sexuality and his religious upbringing and how he is grappling with the feeling that there’s no place in religion for him because he’s gay. And the “Him” being sung is used both for God and for a boy he likes.

2017 - A Million Dreams : P!nk - this song from The Greatest Showman is about the power of positive thinking, faith and believing in your dreams. For queer people, it’s a reminder that we are building a better world.

2017 - This is Me : Kesha - A great cover of the song from The Greatest Showman.

2018 - My My My! : Troye Sivan - Troye said “'My My My!’ is a song of liberation, freedom, and love. “Throw all inhibition to the wind, be present in your body, love wholeheartedly, move the way you’ve always wanted to, and dance the way you feel”

2018 - Curious : Hayley Kiyoko - “Curious” is a term used in the LGBTQ community to express same-sex experimentation. In the song Hayley uses it to ask, “I’m just curious, is it serious?” Hayley says she wrote the song about a past relationship with a closeted woman, as well as various romantic experiences with women who were unsure about their sexuality

2018 - Perfect : Alex G - This cover of the Ed Sheeran song is beautiful. And because Alex doesn’t change the pronouns, it’s a very sweet lesbian love song.

2018 - Only You : Cheat Codes & Little Mix - A video with a lesbian mermaid? Yes, please!

2018 - Make Me Feel : Janelle Monáe - Sexuality is simply how a person makes you feel, regardless of gender. The music video for ”Make Me Feel” features Janelle crawling between women’s legs and grinding up on both a male and female love interest under bisexual lighting.

2018 - Sanctify : Years & Years - This song is about a relationship the singer had with a straight man. “On the one hand, the guy is struggling with his sexuality and feeling unable to express himself as anything other than straight while also desiring me. I’m on the other side feeling like both a sinner and saint or a devil and angel, leading this guy down a path of ‘sinfulness’ while, at the same time, helping him explore his sexuality.“

2018 - Kiss the Boy : Keiynan Lonsdale - While he doesn’t ascribe to a specific label in terms of his sexuality, Keiynan is openly attracted to both genders – and in Love, Simon, he played the enigmatic Blue, love interest of Simon. The video is adorable & super-inclusive

2018 - Never Been In Love : Will Jay - It’s such a great bop and I have loved Will Jay since his IM5 days, and this seems perfect for my ace/aro friends. “I’m not missing out so don’t ask me again. Thanks for your concern, but here’s the thing, I’ve never been in love and it’s all good”

2018 - PYNK : Janelle Monáe - Monáe says the color pink “unites all of humanity” because it is the color “found in the deepest and darkest nooks and crannies of humans everywhere.” The video finds Monáe and Tessa Thompson (her girlfriend at the time) along with a group of other women dancing in a desert, having a slumber party and sitting out by a pool while expressing appreciation for the vagina, including some iconic pussy pants. Truly a testament to the power of pink.

2018 - High Hopes : Panic! At the Disco - Brendon Urie says the uplifting message of “High Hopes” is “No matter how hard your dreams seem, keep going.” The lyrics say “It's uphill for oddities,” which is how it can feel being queer in a heteronormative world, but “don't give up, it's a little complicated.” It’s complicated but doable. Urie created the Highest Hopes Foundation, an organization that assists nonprofit organizations in human rights efforts across the globe. “I want to join in on the fight for those who cannot fight for themselves. This is dedicated to all people and communities who are subject to discrimination or abuse on the basis of gender, race, religion, sexual orientation and gender identity.” The foundation donated $1 million dollars to Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network (GLSEN) to establish Gay-Straight Alliance clubs at high schools across the United States.

2018 - All Things : Betty Who - This is the theme song for the wildly popular Netflix show Queer Eye.

2018 - Dance to This : Troye Sivan (feat. Ariana Grande) - According to Sivan, the song is about “that moment when you feel like you’ve been to enough house parties or events, and staying home, making out in the kitchen and cooking dinner sounds like a much, much better alternative”

2018 – Boys : Lizzo – Lizzo sings a song about all the boys she loves, and plenty of gay boys sing along and cheer when reaching the lyrics “From the playboys to the gay boys. Go and slay, boys, you my fave boys”

2018 - Promises : Calvin Harris, Sam Smith - The music video is a glittery homage to vogueing and drag ballroom culture.

2018 - Bloom : Troye Sivan - Our first mainstream pop song about bottoming. This song is a thinly veiled description of Troye losing his virginity “I bloom, I bloom, just for you.” Or maybe it’s just about flowers.

2018 - No Matter What : Calum Scott - This is a lovely song about a son coming out to his mom and her responding that she loves him no matter what. “I just want you to be happy and always be who you are.” She wrapped her arms around me, said, "Don’t try to be what you’re not ‘cause I love you no matter what”

2018 - Old Town Road : Lil Nas X ft. Billy Ray Cyrus - Lil Nas had the biggest hit song ever and came out as gay, and now his choice in cowboy apparel makes sense

2019 - Juice : Lizzo - Lizzo’s message of radical self-love that celebrates the beauty of being different has earned her a huge queer following. Her work is inspired by the difficulty she felt growing up in a world that told her that she did not fit in. She now spreads a message of acceptance and love. “Juice,” is upbeat and fun, full of confidence-boosting lyrics. She made a video for “Juice,” featuring Drag Race alumni.

2019 - Rainbow : Kacey Musgrave - The song is about hope that the bad times will one day be over. Musgraves hopes it will serve as an anthem for those facing adversity, particularly in the LGBTQ community. “I feel a kinship and a friendship with that community. They really opened my eyes up to a lot of different things that I wasn’t aware of growing up in a small town in Texas. I will always be an ally and a strong supporter. ‘Rainbow’ is something that I can dedicate to that community, but also to anyone who has any kind of a weight on their shoulders."

2019 - ME! : Taylor Swift (feat. Brandon Urie) - This is a campy, bubbly song about embracing one’s individuality. "I’m the only one of me and that’s the fun of me.”

2019 - Nails, Hair, Hips, Heels : Todrick Hall - A fun song and video about being who you are and using that to strut and slay

2019 - Love Yourself : Sufjan Stevens - The lyrics are asking us to love ourselves and to show the reasons we believe in ourselves. I especially like this imagery “Make a shelf. Put all the things on that you believe in.” This song was specifically released for Pride month.

2019 - You Need to Calm Down : Taylor Swift - an entire verse that’s literally about going to a Pride parade. The video features a large number of celebrity cameos, many of whom are LGBTQ, including Queer Eye's Fab Five, figure skater Adam Rippon, singer Adam Lambert, television personality Ellen DeGeneres, entertainers Billy Porter and RuPaul, and numerous Drag Queens from RuPaul's Drag Race who in the video impersonate famous women.

2019 - Higher Love : Kygo & Whitney Houston - Whitney recorded a cover of the Steve Winwood song “Higher Love,” but only released it in Japan. The Houston estate selected the DJ Kygo to remix Whitney’s version of the song. Kygo embued it with all the EDM sounds you’d expect from a 2019 dance song and debuted the song at Pride in New York City

2019 - American Boy : Years & Years - A cover of the Kanye & Estelle song, sung by Olly Alexander, a gay man, who is the lead singer for the band Years & Years. With Olly singing, this makes the song about one guy crushing on another guy

2019 - Tiny Love : MIKA - Mika said that he wanted to capture the idea that love can feel enormous, "yet at the same time it’s so tiny and imperceivable to others.” True love is not “a sunrise over canyons shaped like hearts,” or “bursting into song in Central Park.” Rather, it’s “a ‘still-there-Monday-morning’ kind of love.”

2019 - I Rise : Madonna - This song was made specifically to honor the 50th anniversary of the Stonewall riots, and to inspire marginalized people to stand up and fight. It is about resilience, of surviving and rising up from adversity. The video includes footage of Parkland H.S. shooting survivors, LGBTQ supporters, women’s rights protesters, Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman’s testimony about sexual abuse and other social justice movements

2019 - I Feel Love : Sam Smith - Sam remakes the 1977 classic from Donna Summer, a song about loving your body and your desires. The high notes on this song are so exciting

2019 - Show Yourself : Idina Menzel, Evan Rachel Wood - This song from Frozen 2 is about Elsa being ready to be vulnerable and bare her soul. This song has been adopted by the queer community as a coming out anthem.

2019 - Believe : Adam Lambert - A remake of the 1998 song by Cher that is embraced by many LGBTQ people, and it’s absolutely gorgeous

2020 - I’m Ready (with Demi Lovato) : Sam Smith - The song is about being ready for a new love. The video is basically the Glam Olympics

#PRIDE playlist

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dontlikedarkness · 4 years

Text

Wonderland

Growing up together meant a lot of things. At first, it meant nothing more than following each other around daycare and annoying the living hell out of each other. Courtney would put on a front for their parents so that she’d be seen as the victim - but she played the part too well, and soon, she was spending half her time at Duncan’s house. Her parents worked a lot, so they jumped at the chance to have somebody pick her up after closing time. They thought extra time with her friend was an added bonus, although her mom didn’t quite approve; she’d learned through the grapevine that Duncan was a troublemaker at school, but was desperate enough to risk it. Besides, she was confident (and rightfully so, for the most part) that Courtney had inherited enough of her own stubbornness and need for structure to resist Duncan’s antics.

Once they’d moved on to kindergarten and eventually grade school, leaving Courtney with the Bivona household for after school care became a matter of convenience. Duncan’s eldest brother was soon old enough to watch them himself, once his mom had gone back to work after maternity leave, and Courtney’s younger sister, Kate, was easy enough to look after. They both appreciated the company of another kid their age - though they’d never admit it.

It became natural for the two to be together. Her dad would drive them to school in the morning, and his mom would pick them up after, so it made sense that they’d hang out in the times in between. Not that they ever meant to, but they were comfortable around each other, as it tends to happen when you’ve known someone since they were in diapers. They’d gravitate towards the other’s familiar face on the first day of school, and be paired up together every day afterwards. Teachers thought they were a good balance, though they never quite understood it. Courtney was useful when Duncan’s attitude and issues with authority needed reigning in, and Duncan always knew how to bring her out of her shell. As odd as it was, it worked.

The roof had been his idea, of course. Who else would see a house and wonder how much of the neighborhood they could see? Purely for devious reasons, he’d said, though she knew better than that. It took months upon months to convince her to go up with him, and it was her roof - had it been any other roof, chances are she wouldn’t have agreed. The only reason she’d said yes in the first place had been pride, because he claimed she was too chicken to go up there, and she’d needed to prove him wrong.

She’d fallen in love with the spot fairly quickly. It was easier to see the stars up there, and she could get out of her house without ever having to leave. It wasn’t breaking the rules - it was skirting them. Which was good enough for her.

Soon enough, it had become an unofficial meeting ground. A safe place, of sorts. He always knew where to find her when she was stressed and overwhelmed, and she knew where to find him when he was pissed about something. They would go up there just to talk, and sometimes they’d stay for hours before Courtney inevitably realized it was past midnight and they had school in the morning.

Even before they’d started dating, it had been there. It started with innocent cuddling in the fifth grade, because Courtney got cold easily and neither of them ever remembered to bring blankets. They’d bring a laptop up and watch movies until the battery died, or until they found themselves talking, too distracted to focus on the screen. Slowly that had progressed into cautious hand-holding, a gentle swipe of his thumb over the back of her hand. She would lay on his chest, eyes on the stars, pointing out every constellation she knew, and speculating on the ones she didn’t. Eventually he knew them by heart, and he’d hold her hand as she gestured at them, naming them off before she could so much as open her mouth. As much as she pretended it annoyed her, she found it oddly endearing. It meant he cared enough to listen, and he didn’t care about anything.

“Princess” had been his nickname for her ever since they could remember. She’d been playing dress-up one day while he idled about, making off-handed comments about how dumb she looked, when she’d decided on the princess outfit. “It makes me feel powerful,” she’d told him, tiny hands on tinier hips. “Whatever you say, princess,” he’d shot back, and it had stuck. When the name began to send a torrent of butterflies through her stomach, she’d known she was in trouble. That was when the hand-holding had transitioned into kisses; soft at first, and completely innocent. He’d kiss her hand and say “your highness” with a mock bow, she’d kiss his cheek and then ruffle his hair in response to the rare but steadily more common compliment. His forehead, when she was proud. Her nose, because she’d complained about her freckles. Neither of them could admit that they wanted more. It was too scary an admission - she thought they were too different; he thought she deserved better. And so the no-longer-quite-so-innocent kissing and cuddling and whatever else continued for a while.

It was sophomore year when she’d decided enough was enough. He helped her push her boundaries in every way - so why not this? His pining had become painfully obvious, and everyone was urging her to do something about it, because while he acted like a lovesick puppy, he respected her too much to make a move without some sort of sign from her. Of course, there had been many signs, but he was incredibly oblivious to them, blinded by thoughts of ‘she would never want me’ and ‘I’d only drag her down’. It was up to her to take matters into her own hands.

So she invited him to the roof, under the pretext of having a movie night. She was up for re-election as student body president, and he needed an escape from his overbearing father; it wasn’t entirely out of left field that either of them would want a night to relax. She spent an hour up there making everything perfect: she had blankets and pillows and all their favorite snacks, and a slew of romantic comedies neither of them would particularly enjoy lined up to watch. He was quick to figure out something was up, fixing her with an expectant stare the moment he’d finished scaling the trellis. “Somebody die, princess?” He’d asked, and she turned beet red. She’d gone overboard, because that was what she did, and she’d set up a date for an entirely different set of people. All they ever really needed was some cheesy thriller and a bucket of popcorn, not some elaborate set up, but she’d let her nerves get the best of her and had immediately gone into overdrive to take her mind off of it.

He could sense her building panic, and he silenced it all with the gentle brush of a hand over her cheek. She squeaked out a meek protest, though both of them knew she didn’t mean it. Her hand snaked up to twist through his hair, pulling him closer, and before he knew it her lips were on his. Gentle, but demanding, leaving him gasping for air. Nothing had ever felt so right, to either of them.

The transition from best friends to more was nowhere near as complicated as she’d expected. They were slightly more public with their affection, he’d sneak into her room for sleepovers and late-night cuddling, and they kissed a hell of a lot more, but beyond that, very little changed. They still bickered to no end and argued over the simplest things, but it was never enough to split them up. It hadn’t before, and it still wouldn’t. They had a bond no one could explain - nor hope to break.

The roof had weathered it all, a constant throughout their relationship, even as it grew and changed. It was a symbol of everything they’d overcome and everything they had yet to endure, and it gave Courtney the strength to believe in them. The strength to speak up.

“Jealousy doesn’t look good on you, princess,” he teased, feathering a kiss on her nose before pressing his forehead to hers, content in their closeness as they lay beneath the stars. She frowned, shifting herself up slightly so that their eyes were level. “You can’t tell me you don’t see the way she looks at you, Duncan. Like she’d worship you if she could. Like you’re some sort of god and she’s a mere mortal, awed to be in your presence.”

His thumb brushed across her chin before settling there, with her head cradled in his hand. It was difficult to find words when she was there, looking so unbelievably beautiful, ebony eyes wide and almost wounded. He could drown in those eyes. Probably would, if he let himself.

“I hadn’t noticed, no.”

A scowl replaced her frown and she rolled her eyes, though she didn’t stop herself from leaning into his touch. His warmth was addicting. “She’s practically drooling after you.” He pulled her closer, letting her shift against his chest until she was comfortable, his shoulder acting as her pillow. “What can I say? I’ve been distracted.”

“You have?”

“It’s hard not to be, when you look at me like I’m the stars in your sky. You don’t idolize me like she does - you see every part of me, the good and the bad, and you still think of me as your equal. Your better half. Tell me, Court, how could she ever hold a candle to you?” His tone was heartbreakingly gentle, and the soft brush of his hand down her spine had her at peace. “Duncan?” She asked, propping herself up again so that she could see him.

“Yes, princess?”

She sighed then, her hair falling across his face as she leaned forward the tiniest amount. “Thank you. For putting up with me. I know I can be… a lot, at times, and I’m not the easiest person to be around. The fact that you stay… It means a lot. More than you could possibly know.”

A sharp intake of breath was the only indicator that he’d heard, and they both remained silent for a few moments before he spoke, his voice slightly unsteady. “God, Courtney… You make it sound like such a chore.”

“What?”

“Just… being around you. I don’t put up with you, because I don’t have to. Every second I get to be near you is a gift. You are so fucking special, princess, and it hurts that you don’t see everything I see. You are gorgeous, and talented, and smart, and brilliant and funny and all sorts of amazing. You are my everything. You keep me steady, you give me a shake back to reality when I’ve gone too far, and you talk me down when I need it. Nobody understands me the way you do, without even trying, and shit… You complete me, Court, you really do. And it’s terrifying and awful and scary but you are beyond worth it. Princess, I…” He choked up suddenly, and gazed up to her, hoping she’d understand everything he couldn’t find the words to say.

“Duncan?”

He broke, then, a single tear sliding down the side of his face. She brushed it away, leaving her hand there, so small a gesture, and yet so incredibly tender and powerful. He held it there, rubbing gently circles into the back of her hand, relishing the intimacy of it all.

“Fuck, Courtney, I love you. So much. And you don’t have to say it back, but… I needed to say it. I think you needed to hear it, too.”

He expected her to tense up, to push him away; anything to signal that she wasn’t ready, that he’d moved too fast, and screwed everything up as per usual. When she didn’t, he thought that might be worse.

“Duncan.”

“Hm?” He responded, a quiet hum of a response, because words were failing him now.

And then her hand slid free, tangling itself in his unkempt hair, her nails pressing softly against his scalp. “Kiss me, damn it. I love you too. More than anything in the world.”

They melted together, then. Two souls perfectly in harmony, against all odds. Beautiful, and perhaps doomed. But none of it mattered. Not in that moment; not ever, because they didn’t care. They would fight for each other, always. A constant in each other’s lives, just as the roof had been in theirs. Forever entwined.

this can also be found on ao3 here

#duncney #total drama #total drama courtney #total drama duncan #td courtney #td duncan #total drama island #my writing #dontlikedarkness #queued post

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boywivlove · 4 years

Text

| Title | Floral |

| Pairing | Jung Hoseok x Reader

| Word Count | 3k

| Genre | Florist AU, fluff, slight romantic moments

| Summary | Reader has moved back with her parents in her small hometown; after her life hasn't turned out the way she had hoped, and dealing with bouts of depressive thoughts. When she runs into an old friend from school, can he help her through her low point to see the sunlight after the storm?

| Warnings | descriptions of depression and depressive thoughts.

| AN | So this is my second half of the `April showers bring May flowers` collaboration, and I'm really glad to get this out!! This has a mildly gloomy beginning but I promise a fluffy ending!

On a personal note I wrote this fic to kind of get some of my own thoughts out, I think there are alot of us who have gloomy days, and our thoughts are anything less than happy. And I just want to say if anyone reading this also has days like this please know your not alone and you are loved <3 Please enjoy, stay safe, and have a lovely day!

The rain kept coming, pouring down relentlessly as you were stopped at a red light, You didn't mind. If anything it relaxed you. The sound of rain always made it easy for you to fall asleep, driving in the rain drowned out the world to you, making it easier to concentrate on your thoughts, no matter how glum they were. You looked out of your window, the last hours of daylight clinging to the skyline, smudged with the storm clouds that had been gushing rain for the last couple of hours. The weather seemed to match your mood perfectly.

You didn't know exactly when your life started to feel gloomy and dull, but you know it had been a while, almost a year at most. Looking back, you had such high hopes for your life, finish college, finish university, get a good job, move out and live your life. But while you tried your best in education, that's when the thoughts of doubt and paranoia started to bury themselves in your mind.

You were constantly thinking the friends you had grown close to had only tolerated you, and your parents were secretly disappointed in you. It was hard to concentrate on your degree while trying not to have a breakdown in the middle of class. Eventually you had to leave your studies for the sake of your mental health, and you got a new job to keep on top of your rent, and it was good, but after a while, the same nagging thoughts came back, same thoughts, different setting.

You had made your way down the long winding road of the countryside, eventually passing the town's welcome sign. This is where you're going to be staying now, back in the town you grew up in, the town you had imagined all the great things you were going to do with your life. You had decided that you needed a do over, and after a talk with your parents, a decision was made that you would take some time out from everything, and come and stay with them until you get back on your feet.

Leaving your job was hard, but gave you room to exhale and let out some of your anxiousness. But at the same time, you were right back where you started. It's not like you could go back to school, and try and get a degree in a different subject, the only thing you could do was try and work through your issues and try and find a job.

You arrived at your parents house just after 10 pm, and you parked the car in the driveway, leaving the boxes of everything you owned in the garage until your could sort your old room out, your parents had turned it into a pantry, but now it was remade into a room for you, a bed, closet, desk, but the personal touches could come later, right now you wanted to sleep, not even changing out of your clothes you crawled into bed, letting the rain lull you into sleep.

It had been 3 months since you had packed up your life and moved back with your parents, and they had been nothing but supportive, the medication you were given helps only a little with the depressive moments. You had been taking care of yourself and now finally you wanted to start looking for a new job, your parents had said not to worry about rent or paying your way, but you owed it to them, and yourself. You wanted to prove that you could overcome the black dog that hung over you.

It was easier said than done, for a small town, the job opportunities were even shorter. A lot of the businesses here were family owned, and didn't really need any new workers. It had taken you around 30 rejections before you got an offer from a little independent bakery, owned by a lovely old lady named Rose. The pay wasn't great, but hey, it was something, and Rose was lovely, remembering you from when you used to live here as a kid, and gave you a chance.

Now, months later, you and Rose were doing great, you had learnt her tips and tricks for making her baked goods, and found the locals to be a breath of fresh air, the bakery having plenty of regulars to get to know and talk to, a surprisingly nice reprieve from the comings and goings of random faces, a thing that made your old job kind of daunting.

The days you spent in the bakery didn't melt into one, each day had a little something new, a new recipe, new stories from the regulars, and sometimes new faces, and one particular day had a face you had not seen in years.

The sun had finally seemed to come out from behind the clouds, the rain never seemed to stop, but it happened now only with small sprinkles. The hanging baskets of lavender outside the shop dripped onto customers who entered, and the window baskets that held an array of colourful pansies were nicely watered thanks to the rain.

Rose had made you feel so at home in this bakery, and she has so much faith in you, leaving you in charge of the shop for a week or so while she visited her son overseas, and it meant so much to you. Her trust in you had given you something to aspire to.

You were doing your best.

You had just taken another batch of bread rolls out of the oven, and had just set about brewing a pot of coffee when he came in. His hair was speckled in rain droplets as he placed his umbrella in the stand. He approached the counter and peered at the choices. As he was browsing you gave him a once over, he was cute. He was dressed in a white button up shirt and black pants, a long brown corduroy jacket and a deep maroon scarf wrapped around his neck. His face was nice to look at, his hair framed his chiselled jaw nicely, and his shoulders were nice and broad. Now you didn't make a habit of ogling the customers, but you haven't seen this guy in the bakery before, so he was something new to you.

You approached the counter as he was still considering his selection.

“ Hey Rose, you don't have any of those white chocolate almond cookies ready do you?”

He didn't even look up as he was trying to locate the cookie in the rack, it was almost a childlike movement, both his hands placed on the glass and his eyes squinted in concentration. It was oddly familiar to you.

“Hey, not Rose, but we do have some in the oven that are almost ready if you fancy waiting?”

Your voice seemed to surprise him, as his head shot up and his eyes widened slightly

“Oh, I'm so sorry, I never see anyone else behind the counter he he, Is Rose back there?”

He rubbed his nose in a kind of embarrassed movement, looking towards the back room for a second, and then back at you, his eyes roamed your face as he smiled at you.

“Ha ha it's alright, I only started 3 months ago, and sadly no, Rose is visiting her son for a couple of weeks, left me in charge, I`m Y/N”

Your chest puffed slightly, taking pride in the fact that Rose had trust enough in you to leave her business in your care.

“Ahhh Rose must really trust you to leave her pride and joy in your hands,,, wait, Y/N?”

His face was wrinkled slightly, as if trying to remember something that he couldn't quite grasp for a second.

“Yeah? Have we met?”

“ Y/N, Y/L/N from high school ? “

You didn't recognise him at first, it had been so long since you had seen him, but you quickly realised who it was as you remembered the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled, and his bright toothy smile.

“.... oh my god, Hobi ?”

Now that was something that you didn't see coming. Hobi, the guy in front of you was Hobi, the high school funny guy who made everyone laugh, the guy who danced out everything he said. Honestly, you had expected him to be long gone from this town by now, he was always so gifted in the way he moved, you thought for sure he could have gone into a career in dancing.

Still, it was nice to see him after so long, when you graduated high school you tried to keep in contact but the distance eventually fizzled the friendship out. You had always felt bad for never getting in touch with Hobi, you were good friends by the time high school ended. But here he was, sitting with you after closing time having tea and cookies.

“I cant believe your here Y/N, it's been so long since I've seen you!”

Hobi took a bite of his cookie, smiling as he did, his smile hasn't changed, still as bright as the sun. You sipped your tea as he spoke.

“Have you been here long? I've only just come back from a vacation so I'm sorry I didn't know you were here, I would have been one of the first to see you if I did”

“No only three months or so, and it's OK Hobi, if anything I'm sorry I never stayed in contact with you, things have been a little difficult for me you know?”

“How so if you don't mind me asking?”

So you filled Hobi in on how you ended up back in your hometown, and how you're working through your feelings, he was sympathetic, but he didn't baby you or try to advise you on how to go about things.

“Anyway enough about myself, have you been here all this time? You never moved away or anything?”

Hobi laughed as he set his cup down, running his hand through his hair, he took out a business card out of his wallet. The gold embellished font against the crisp white background stood out beautifully.

` Fragrant Florals by Jung Hoseok. EST 1978 `

“ I went to college here, I still studied dance like I did in highschool, and my grandma gave me a part time job in the flower shop, when she passed, she left it to me. I thought long and hard about what I wanted to do, but the shop has so many memories of my grandma you know?”

You remembered Hobi`s grandmother, she had owned that flower shop for over 30 years, and it was nice to know that Hobi stayed and kept it going. You haven't felt this at ease in a long time, it was as if you finally came home and was able to breathe again, and seeing Hobi again made you feel lighter than air.

“Come with me, I want to show you something”

Hobi had met you as you locked up the bakery for the night, you two had been catching up a lot in the past month, making up for lost time he would say. He would come and visit you on his lunch breaks, grab a coffee and some baked treat and shoot the breeze with you while you had no one to serve. Other times you would stop by his flower shop and bring him a coffee when he was busy. It was nice. You can't believe you let yourself fall out of contact with him.

But as much as you had been enjoying your life lately, you had noticed the negative thoughts starting to creep back into your mind. You would catch yourself thinking of all the ways you would mess everything up, that people will start getting bored of you. That Hobi would start getting bored of you… You wouldn't lie to yourself, You like Hobi. He was always a nice boy growing up, and he was a great guy now. But you knew your feelings for him were starting to become more than friends. And you were so scared about messing things up, that Hobi wouldn't want to be anything more than friends, that stopped you from admitting your real feelings for him.

“Where are we going?”

“Ahh, I'm not saying, you have to close your eyes.”

“Hobi were in the middle of a street, iI cant-”

“Trust me, your gonna love it Y/N”

Hobi flashed you a toothy grin, and covered your eyes with his hands, guiding you toward wherever it was he was taking you. You heard the cars passing by and the occasional person greeted you both. You came to a stop a little while after, as he kept your eyes closed with one hand he rummaged around for his keys, unlocking the door as a bell chimed upon opening it.

“Your shop? Hobi, I've been here a hundred times. Why do I need to keep my eyes closed…”

“Don't open them yet! I just need to get the lights…”

Letting out an airy laugh you kept your eyes closed, the shop had a variety of different smells, but overall smelt earthy, just like Hobi. You heard the click of a light switch, and you felt his presence in front of you. You felt his hands on your arms as he gently guided you to where he wanted you to be. He was so close to you.

Hobi smelled so good. His scent was a mix of fruity, woody hints, but also had hints of spices and earth, all his time tending to his plants and bouquets rubbing off on him in the best way.

“Ok, annnnd, open”

You opened your eyes, letting them get used to the light, and what you saw made you take a surprised breath.

He had taken you into the back of the shop, to his own little greenhouse, and turned it into your own little restaurant. In the centre of the greenhouse, surrounded by his many growing flora, was a small table set nicely with food cooling in dishes. Fairy lights hung above the table, shimmering like stars. Magical. You turned to Hobi with a small smile, his own smile a most bashful as he waited for your response.

“Wow, You did all this?”

“Well, this is a small town, not many places to go you know, I wanted to take us somewhere new, so I thought, why now make somewhere new”

He looked at you with such a fondness, you felt your heart flutter slightly.

“But, I also wanted to take you somewhere that's not crowded, I know you've been feeling down again lately, I can tell. You fiddle with your hands when you start over thinking, I wanted, I wanted to make something special for you.”

You felt yourself well up slightly, his gesture had really touched your heart. He was too good for this world, too good for you. You couldn't contain your tears as they fell down your cheeks. You hugged Hobi as he let you cry onto his shoulder. His arm wrapped around you as he brought his other hand to rest in your hair. It was like something straight out of a romance movie. Made even more so by the tapping of rain that started against the windows.

“Hobi, you're amazing, you know?”

“Ah come on, I just thought you would like a surprise.”

“No, I mean it. You always know just what to do, your kind and caring, and you never make me feel bad about how I feel”

You raised your head to look at him, his eyes held so much care in them, his lips parted slightly, as if contemplating what to say, and looking into your eyes, he must have decided. His face came a little closer to yours, and in the softest of moments, he placed a light kiss to your forehead before resting his chin on top of your head. It was like thunder to you, sending a shiver down your spine. You breathed in his scent as your face nuzzled his neck slightly.

“I'm glad you like it Y/N, I don't want you to feel the way you do about yourself, I know it's hard for you. But I just wish you could see yourself how I see you. You're perfect to me, you always have been.”

“Since when are you this cheesy?”

“Hey cheesy is my forte, and if it makes you happy I'll keep being cheesy”

You shared a laugh, breaking apart from him ever so slightly to look at him again, his hand in your hair made its way to your cheek, his thumb wiping the remaining tears that streaked down your face.

Your mind, ever the interrupter, was screaming at you that this wouldn't last, that this is all a dream. But the thoughts were suddenly silent as Hobi placed his lips on yours, his kiss was soft and delicate, not wanting to overstep a boundary that he might have misread.

You had never felt more at ease. With a deep inhale, it was as if the weight of everything you felt had lifted from your heart, and it finally started to beat again.

You had first thought coming back to your childhood town was a huge step back for your life, but there, in a small flower shop. It was the start of something new, something that you would look back on when you feel yourself slipping into your dark thoughts as a moment that could ground you.

And Hobi, who would tell you everyday that you were worth your weight in gold to him.

#bangtanscenerycollab #bangtanscenery #ficswithluv #hyunglinenetwork #btsbookclub #armysource #bangtanarmynet #bts #bts fanfic #jung hoseok #hoseok #jung hoseok imagine #jung hoseok au #hobi x reader #hoseok x reader #flower shop au

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journal-of-an-outlaw · 4 years

Text

Price to be Paid - Chapter 33

Read on AO3 here

Dear Journal,

I always hate starting these things. Never know what to do to signify another passage starting when the ending of the other was just on the other side of the page. Be it days or months, the one thing that never changes is how close my last entry was. I guess this is to document my thoughts so that when I’m an old man I can look back and reflect on how life used to be. Most of the time I just draw something awful and leave a caption so when my eyes can’t see right anymore I’ll know what I was attempting to preserve. If I make it that far I’ll have plenty of stories to tell.

Anyways.

I know the last time things seemed to be doing well. I got married to a woman who changed me. Dutch had a plan to get us out. John and Abigail were getting along just fine, even little Jack was learning to hunt rabbits and small critters. But it all changed so quickly, where do I even begin…

The bank. I know that damned job was where everything went wrong. Micah and Dutch never stopped talking about it the whole time we were in Guarma so I couldn’t forget any detail even if I tried. And I did try. The first week stuck in that humid hell I was too angry to speak and drank myself into a stupor that would rival Reverend Swanson; alcohol helped me ignore the pain in my chest where my heart used to be. Maybe that’s why he drank. To forget. Everyone tried to talk to me but I wasn’t in a place to listen. They tried to tell me everything would work out, that she was alright and we just had to focus on one thing at a time. But that was bullshit. I just kept seeing Hosea get shot and my wife being carted away, and I was stuck helpless to do anything against it. I’ve never before realized that was my worst fear; watching from the outside as people I love get hurt.

The Pinkertons showed up too fast to not have known about it before but there was no way any of us would have ratted out the gang when we were so close to our goal, so close to leaving and putting behind us any thought of betrayal or being on the run any longer. I spent more than one night stuck on that island replaying it over and over but I couldn't make sense of it.

I should have been faster. I shouldn't have let Dutch separate us. As soon as that snake Milton yelled I knew we were done for.

I shouldn't call him that. I know I can come up with something worse. Technically he is my father in law, but he is the reason Hosea is dead and the woman I love is...gone. Who knows where he’s hidden her away. No wonder she never told me about that mess, I would have never believed someone so good and true was family with that vile man.

She probably thought I’d hate her for keeping the secret, but the truth is I couldn’t care any less. Sometimes you don’t get lucky enough to pick your family. I know that better than anyone.

Micah claims they planned it together, for her to distract her father long enough for us to escape, but I’m not too sure yet if I believe that. I saw the look in her eyes. Panic. Fear. Then that stubborn heroism that should have told me to drag her out with me no matter the cost. It was in the set of her mouth, and how her eyes narrowed enough to give away her thoughts. Just a few of the things I love so much about her. But in an instant she was gone. Locked eyes in the middle of the chaos was the only goodbye I got.

Losing Hosea was hard, to say the least. He was more of a father to me than Dutch was in all the ways that mattered. He taught me to swim and fish and how to read the leaves and stars at night. He taught me that waiting is sometimes the best strategy, and to never go anywhere without a good strong lie as to why you’re there. He was kindness and compassion, but also cleverness and hard edges when he needed to be. I looked up to him more than I knew and his absence will leave a painful hole that cannot be filled.

But my grief is nothing in comparison to Dutch’s. His...it’s like a pain he’s unwilling to admit is there. Like he’s afraid that acknowledging it will break the damn he’s built and everything will come crashing down. I worry what it means for him, for me, for all of us. Hosea was truly the angel sitting on Dutch’s shoulder.

I somehow made it out of Guarma and that whole mess alive. A boat took me back and I had the unfortunate luck to land in Van Horn. I must be getting old, my bones seem to have absorbed some of the exhaustion I’ve been feeling for nearly a month now. But I got myself a horse and should be back at Shady Belle tomorrow afternoon to whatever wreckage is left from my former life.

The thought of seeing my wife seemed to be the only thing getting me through the days since that cursed robbery. Her smile, the sound of her laugh, her soft hand in mine. I miss it, sometimes so much I am nearly brought to tears and in those moments I understand why Dutch doesn’t talk much about Hosea. Like watching the sunrise with burning eyes, sometimes the pain that comes with it makes you aware that it happened at all.

Part of me knows that what’s waiting for me at Shady Belle isn’t good news, but I can’t think about that just yet. Hope is the comforting shadow beside me.

I should have known better than to expect a good night’s sleep. My eyes were so blurry I mistook a tree for a man on the side of the road. Even my body knew that nothing is how it should have been.

Shady Belle was empty. Well, worse than that. It had echoes of the gang being there, our last hurrah as we rode out to the gates of victory so blind to what was about to happen. Cans littered around where we ate together, scuff marks all across the dirt from our boots, even a small pair that must have been Jack’s. The worst though was a carving I found on one of the poles of the front porch of my initials in a heart that she must have drawn without me knowing. I tried to etch it into my notebook but found I couldn't stand there for more than a few moments without the familiar pain of missing her taking over my senses. Maybe one day I won’t feel like I’m being ripped apart by all of these emotions.

Inside was empty. Nothing remained of the time we spent in those walls. I couldn't bring myself to check the room I had shared with YN for the fear of being entirely overwhelmed again. Instead I found a letter from Sadie Adler, a woman of many surprises, waiting for me in the living room. She must have known I would come back.

The quiet didn’t last too long before a couple of Pinkerton fools in the employment of Mr. Milton came around. From what I overheard they returned to Shady Belle every single day to see if we had returned but had no such luck. That meant two things; that the gang got away safely and the other’s from Guarma hadn’t come to the house. For a few moments at least my heart settled but that didn’t last long. These days it never did.

I rode straight to Lakay even though I despise the damp, disgusting heat of the swamps. My eagerness to see people I knew won over my hatred for the area. Eventually I found my way to a small village, if you’d even call it that, of buildings set up along the river bank. Time and humidity had worn away at any pride these homes must have held, the moss clinging to anything that needed to be filled back in. It was silent save for one man in the farthest hut chopping away at some type of meat.

Pearson for the first time in my life was a sight for sore eyes. Luckily Abigail was behind him and Sadie behind her so I was quickly welcomed with warm arms and a bowl of stew that was the finest I had ever tasted. There were questions, so many questions, but they held their tongues for the time being and let me settle into a bed for a few hours of sleep. Finally the exhaustion caught up with my body and I was overcome with aches and a cough, but that I ignored too.

Tilly, Uncle, Lenny, Karen, Sean, Mary Beth, Strauss, Molly, Charles, and everyone else was safe and hidden away. We were safe for the time being.

Micah and Javier arrived the next day with the same story. We all needed rest, but there were things to do. John had been captured and taken to Sisika. Abigail pulled me aside and asked about YN and I did my best to hide my pain, but she told me what happened after we got caught in the gunfire. She was taken somewhere north, or at least that’s where the wagon headed, and some man named Staten was her watcher. My blood nearly boiled, but Abigail calmed me down until the agony of losing her ripped me apart and I had to go sit on the dock before anyone else saw me. How am I to deal with this alone? I would give anything to have her back by my side again, father be hanged.

Not two days later a rain storm kept us inside, and set up the dramatic entrance for Dutch’s grand return. Things all broke loose. Abigail was yelling about John again, Micah on about something else. The man didn’t even have a chance to sit down before he was bombarded again. We raised a glass to Mrs. Adler for saving the gang in Dutch’s absence, her and Charles were the only reasons things continued on.

She found me staring at the water the next morning. I was sitting there, thinking of my wife, and Sadie must have known. She tried to talk about knowing loss and feeling my pain, but there’s no one in the world who knows what I’m going through. What we’re going through. My wife is somewhere I don’t know and I can do nothing about it. Every second of every day I feel like a failure for letting her down. I want to be there for Dutch as he needs the support, but I can’t help think that as time ticks on she’ll forget me and move on. Not sure what I’ll do if that happens.

Bill Williamson is a right fool. That night he came busting into the sleep house going on about how hard we were to find, saying he asked everyone he could find, and I knew trouble couldn't be too far behind. Only someone truly hoping to meet death walks into a nest of vipers. I had just finished my glass of whiskey when I heard her voice.

At first I thought I imagined it. There were plenty of times that the desperation in my mind had boiled long enough that her sweet tones called to me from somewhere just beyond my reach. At first I longed for them, for any gentle reminder that she was as real to me once as the glass currently in my hand. Then after a while they hurt to hear and the words got all jumbled together. Like she was farther away than ever. Like I needed reminding.

But sitting inside that house I heard her clear as a bell. Not the words she spoke, it was far too loud inside for that, but I could tell it was her. My heart knew too and started pounding in time with the rain hitting the roof. Dutch saw me and asked why I had frozen in place but Abigail had heard it too. She stood and stared at me, wondering what was taking me so damn long to move but it was like my legs had grown twice their weight. I finally got myself up and pushed through the sudden silence around me to stand at the door.

There she was again. She had to be real. But she sounded...off. Like something was wrong.

Calling for me, for us, or anyone. I was so full of terror I couldn’t breathe. But someone touched my shoulder and I came back to life, opening the door and finding my dream standing before me. Wide eyed and desperate, much like myself, but there was a warning in her eyes I couldn’t decipher from so far away. Her hands were up in the air shaking like a leaf. Her head shook slightly. I was overcome by a need to preserve this moment of reunion and committed her to memory for once she was back in my arms and I could draw her in this here journal. Honestly I can’t describe how I felt knowing she was at least alive. My heart wanted me to run to her and throw caution to the wind, but my gut told me something worse was lingering in the shadows with an alligator grin.

Just from looking at her I could tell Milton had damn near starved her for the dress she wore was much too large, hanging off her arms and shoulders. The blood was what cued me in. Rust red stains splattered the front and ice filled my veins at the realization of who’s ghosts she wore wrapped around her. That bastard Milton paraded her around in a costume like he was putting on a show, but I was done being a puppet.

Arthur Morgan was nobody’s fool.

Arthur.

His eyes were murderous but whether that was aimed at you or not remained unknown. The rapid thumping in your chest flooded into your ears as well but the words passing between you didn’t need to be spoken. You didn’t need to hear them to know what he would say.

Seeing Arthur after all that time was a breath of fresh air in a world that had been a dusty haze for the past month. It was awful and wonderful at the same time to be standing so close yet unable to move any closer. Your soul ached to return to its rightful place. The stress of standing there with the weight of all that had happened could be seen as your hands shook and your shoulders tensed and your heart broke all over again.

More light passed onto the muddy ground as the door behind Arthur opened and a few cautious faces moved out. Dutch. Abigail. Bill. Lenny. Charles. Sadie. Anger and confusion colored their expressions. You hoped they all could understand.

A strange feeling passed through you as you noticed Micah was nowhere to be found.

Arthur took in deep, heavy breaths as you held eye contact. Under any other circumstance standing beneath the stars in the dark of night would be almost romantic, especially with the twinkling fireflies blinking their messages all around you. But the rain and the tension crackling across the night like lightning changed that. In fact it changed everything.

The rain covered the sound of wagons rolling in and the footsteps of Pinkerton agents as they crept around the perimeter to trap the Van der Linde gang from escaping. The lightning bugs hid the glints of metal from the guns being raised and taking aim. And you, the queen of the chessboard, were meant to hold the outlaw’s attention as the plan slid into place around you. Your father had been almost gleeful explaining it to you and it made you sick.

“YN...what’s going on?”

Dutch held his hand out in front of his adopted brother but kept his eyes trained on you.

“Don’t say anything, Arthur. We don’t know what this is.”

A voice hissed behind you. The horrible reminder that you were not there of your own accord. You were not there to be rushed to safety, to explain and convince those you loved that you have never walked out those bank doors if you thought any harm would have befallen them.

“I…” The words faltered as they mingled with the falling rain. “I am here to...offer a deal on behalf of Cornwall Kerosene and Tar, the United States Government, and the Commonwealth of West Elizabeth.”

“A deal!” Dutch snorted. “And what would that be?”

Tears rolled down your cheeks at the thought of what had to come next. Only when your shoulders shook from the tension of holding them back did you look away from Arthur, praying to anyone who would listen for a way out of this.

“You have nowhere left to run.” The words were plain but landed like a slap in the face. Milton had prepared a lengthy monologue and you fought to remember all of it. “My father has chased you relentlessly and ultimately you will submit. There is a price big enough on your heads that bringing you in dead would still earn him a fortune. But there is dignity and pride in turning yourself over alive instead of ending up d-dead like that...fool Hosea Matthews.”

The hiss behind you continued as the people in front of you balked at your words. It hurt to know Milton was twisting the knife in but you held the weapon.

“If you come without a fight, you will all be allowed to live. If not, I can’t -”

“Allowed!” Dutch responded. “What is this, there’s no honor in this choice. I will not be commanded like some dog after what your father did to Hosea!”

This time the words hurt you and you answered with a flinch.

“Dutch, please,” you licked your lips, your eyes darting to Arthur. “You don’t have to fight! Everything will be alright, just listen to me -”

“Everything will be alright?” The leader repeated back. “I believe nothing of the sort. Mrs. Morgan, do you know what happens to folks like us who the law doesn’t see favorably? Who aren’t the shiny, golden children of society? They are hung like common street criminals and forgotten in the ashes of our history books. I refuse to fade away as an ink spot upon a page, I refuse to let others make my choices for me, and I refuse to listen to a bully who hides like a coward behind others! We demand to be more than that legacy fated for us by others. We demand our god given right that others only dream of, freedom!”

His speech was beautiful but it didn’t change the fact that mere feet behind you sat a Maxim gun, manned and ready to fire, if they didn’t listen to your pleas. Dutch’s pretty words did nothing to stir the rebellious spirit in your chest and instead caused more tears to run down your cheeks. The flare of his independence was bright, but that meant it couldn’t burn for much longer.

You weren’t the only one affected by Dutch. Behind you the men lying in wait rustled out of the bushes and crept up with their guns drawn, each footstep stringing tension across your shoulders.

“I was wrong about your father, YN.” Dutch drew in quick breaths at the sight of the ambush. “He’s not only a coward, but a fool too. You see, he’s underestimated us once again and that will lead to his demise. Now, boys! For Hosea!”

The world erupted in gunfire and smoke around you. At Dutch’s signal everyone hiding inside fired away at the agents planted around the swamp, yelling and filled with rage at the thought of revenging their beloved Hosea. Loss was a strong motivator, and as you clamped your hands over your ears you wondered how long the haze of distraction would last. The maxim gun fired continuous deafening rounds and all you could hear above the ringing in your ears were the screams of people you loved. Your knees sank into the mud as panic rippled across your skin.

Milton shouted behind you, commanding his men like he was trying to storm the gates of hell.

Dutch retreated into the cabin leading his rebel crew in a secret assault against the forces of perceived evil who had come to change his ways.

Where did you fit into all of this? What was your place and how did you go about getting there? Was your only hope to run and hope it would find you? It only took a moment to come to you. There was only one anchor in this hurricane and it was the same one you returned to time and time again.

Arthur Morgan.

As Dutch retreated Arthur hesitated to leave you behind. His eyes darted through the dark to try and find you while he ducked for safety. Terror clenched your heart and you screamed for him to get out of the line of fire, you would find him.

Forcing tension into your shaky limbs you knew you would regret it if you never even tried to get to him. The air above you was filled with shouts and raindrops and gunshots but nothing could distract you; this was your only shot and you would not throw it away. A door to your right swung open and light flooded the ground and you took off pumping your legs as hard as you could to cross the muddy ground getting closer and closer to your goal.

Breathe. You had to get to him, you were so close.

Behind you bodies hit the ground and you had no doubt that Arthur had taken most of them out. He had incredible aim in the worst of times, and this was definitely one of those. Even Dutch couldn’t rival him and after a few competitions no one else had bothered.

“YN! Over here!”

“Javier!”

You had never been so happy to see the dark haired man in your life. He grabbed your arm and pulled you inside, yanking you down to the floor immediately to avoid another spray of bullets from the gatling gun.

“What are you doing?”

“Trying to help!” You pleaded with him. “Someone needs to take out that gun, what can I do?”

“Stay down, Dutch has a plan!”

You both ducked to the floor as a window shattered above you.

“It better be quick, we can’t hold out for long!”

From outside one of the agents yelled above the chaos. “There’s too many of them, we have to retreat!”

“No!” Your father bellowed back. His voice was too close for comfort. “We do not back down, we have the power of the law on our side.”

“The power of the law ain’t fighting two of the best shots this side of the Mississippi, boss! We are!”

Javier let out a breath that sounded like a laugh and shook his head. “Mrs. Adler’s out there too now, won’t be long. Between her and Arthur I don’t think the Pinkerton’s stand a chance.” There was a pause as Javier eyed you warily. “Your father, that is.”

“Javier -”

But you couldn't finish your sentence as the back door flew open and someone called out to him. He nodded at you and crawled his way to the door to see why he was needed, leaving you alone to hide from the debris falling all around. As the door shut behind him, you caught a glimpse of red coat tails that looked awfully similar to what Micah usually wore.

More men were dying outside, you could hear the yells of defeat as the maxim gun came to a stop but you were running out of time. Something inside of you said the clock was ticking and you needed to move.

Breathe. In, out. Breathe.

“Where did she go?” Milton bellowed from outside. The bullets had stopped and the air felt deathly still. “Where did that bitch go?”

“Don’t you talk about my wife like that!” Your heart swelled at Arthur’s words.

It sounded like he was in the barn next door. If you could sneak without being caught this was your chance for a getaway. Perhaps the only one.

“Get out here now before I blow this whole place to hell! Turn yourselves in and die with nobility.”

Your eyes squeezed shut. Block him out, he’s bluffing. A ball of nerves formed in your stomach like a hard thing weighing you down and you fell to the wall for support as you gathered the courage to move again.

“Agent Milton, I believe this is where we part ways. You are alone and outnumbered, give it up.” Dutch answered.

“Never, Van der Linde. I am tasked with bringing you and the others in…” his voice tapered off as soft clicks rang out and you imagined from your hiding spot behind the wall everyone aiming in his direction,

“How about this,” the dark haired man suggested. “You and I can make a little trade. Me and my friends here will walk out of here safely and you will not pursue us if we give you something you want.”

A bark of laughter responded. Milton was not pleased with the child's play that interrupted his duty. “And what would I get out of this deal?”

“Your life?” Dutch shot back. “A chance to live another day? No?” There was a pause as Dutch walked forwards and you dared a peek out of a nearby bullet hole to observe the scene. “Maybe something a little more valuable. Your daughter for instance?”

Two rough hands suddenly grabbed your shoulders and yanked you upwards and you let out a cry of disbelief. They hadn’t made any noise walking up, or perhaps you were too trained on listening to the conversation outside to notice.

“Get your hands off of me!” You cried out at the same time Arthur yelled something from outside.

“Shut up, Princess Pinkerton. And walk.”

You should have known. Did the man who walked you down the aisle really have no regard for your life? Micah gave you a shove to move forward and you hesitated for only a moment. All you wanted was to help your family escape safely and to keep your father from enacting his twisted sense of justice. You wanted to feel safe and free, but there were too many obstacles holding you back. Was this really all your life would be?

With dirty hands you wiped your cheeks, squaring your shoulders and preparing to face him again. It wasn’t going to be easy. But there didn’t seem to be another choice.

“Dutch what in the hell are you playing at?”

Falling rain once again met your face as you walked out and took in the tense scene before you. Dutch, Arthur, Bill, and Charles all had their pistols focused on your father who in turn stared down his barrel at Dutch. The two men were everything the other despised, and you were caught in the middle.

“My daughter?” Milton still seemed shocked to see you. As if he hadn’t been the one to bring his own child to a gunfight and had simply found you there.

Arthur was held back by the iron grip of Charles as he habitually tried to come to you. The look of pure sorrow on his face broke your heart but there wasn’t enough time to think about yourself and how you felt. Soon he would be out of sight.

“That’s right. Take her, and the two of you leave and never come back to chase us around the country. Me and my friends will never cause another day of trouble for you and we all leave with our lives. Isn’t that what we want, after all? To live and go our own ways?”

It felt like he had slapped you across the face with his words. The fact that you were the bargaining chip was not lost as you stared down the man with newfound hatred.

“Don’t I get a say in any of this?” You snapped back. “Or am I unimportant enough to both of you that my value lies only in my silence?”

“Oh Mrs. Morgan,” Dutch chuckled darkly. “I have missed your temper. But today, my dear, is not the day to fight like it's your last. Be a good girl and run along with your father.”

Something in his tone made you hesitate, the hatred pausing for just a moment. Was there something else going on? Had he not abandoned you just quite yet? It was a glimmer of hope but that was all you could find so you held it close. He gave a slight nod in return.

“Fine. But I won’t forget this.”

Dutch’s gun slowly moved to take aim at your head and you caught your breath at the sight. He was filled to the brim with frustration and rage. But somewhere in his eye was a calm collection as he formed a plan.

“Now get out of here. Both of you. And don’t come back.”

Milton’s free arm shot out and gripped yours too tightly, his eyes still focused on the outlaws escaping of their own design before him. His men were all dead. There were two horses left to ride out and no wagon. He had truly and utterly lost but he refused to admit it.

Arthur’s eyes were dark as you tried to meet his but he wouldn't look at you. The flush in his cheeks gave away how worked up he was and you wondered if it was all too much and he had found his breaking point. You wouldn't blame him if he didn’t want you anymore, things were just so damn complicated. It hurt but his happiness came first.

Your father took a step backwards and dragged you with him and panic hit your stomach.

“Dutch…Dutch! Don’t let him do this,” the tears started no matter how much you tried to keep them in. “You don’t know what it’s like, please.”

The small group watched you with hard eyes of confusion and hesitation and you didn’t blame them. Sadie had a mean look to her, but that was probably from the heat of battle. Charles looked sad and your heart ached for your friend. Even Bill looked hesitant to send you off with Milton, but no one moved against Dutch. Something whispered to you this might be the last time you saw them.

You fought every step of the way but eventually Milton got you on a horse and tied the reins to his with a length of rope. Any last drops of hope were drained out of you at the sight of the others breaking away hurriedly. It was just Dutch, Arthur, Sadie, and Micah left that you could make out through your tears as your world fell apart.

“Stop crying, I can’t think,” Milton muttered harshly.

“Everything I love has been taken away from me, by you! And now I’m stuck with you again I think I have the right to be upset.”

“You have no right to anything,” he replied. “You are nothing in the eyes of anyone and that’s all you will be.”

The horses started moving and you looked behind you one last time. Without the rain the evening appeared softer; the firebugs had come out to blink to one another and the moss swung lazily around the canopy. Dutch had finally lowered his weapon but you noticed Arthur was gone from the group, no doubt off to chuck your wedding ring into the bayou and let the memory of you fade with the small metal object as it sank into the murky riverbed.

If only you could touch him, feel him, let him know that nothing was his fault and every mistake had been tallied in your name. Arthur had scrubbed his slate clean in your eyes, it was time he saw that too. You missed him more with each step your horse took away.

It was torture to to ride on with your father as emotions swirled all around you. He pushed the horses at a fast trot to leave the swamps as quickly as possible, paranoia creeping up on him like the sounds of crickets at his back. You could no longer hold back the sobs that shook your body. Sorrow at losing everyone again. Nerves about going back to being a prisoner. Utter and complete heartbreak at the thought of Arthur hating your every fiber. It was all too much. How could one person cope with this much feeling?

“I ever tell you why I joined the Pinkertons in the first place?”

Milton’s voice caught you off guard and interrupted your sorrow.

“N-no, and I don’t care -”

“I joined,” he continued on. “Because I wanted to put order where there was only chaos. The Pinkertons were a respectable organization I could put myself behind, gain respect myself and do something worthwhile for society. We left Boston after your brother...died and I couldn’t stand the pain. My work eventually came second to drinking and I knew then that was my lowest point.”

“But you kept drinking, you still do,” the thought of stale whiskey making you shiver.

“Since you ran off I haven't touched a drop. You see, in the past I myself was the chaos and I needed order to save me. Our family was broken but I couldn't look past my own pain to see that you both needed me instead of the shell of a man I was parading around as. Your mother is a good woman and pulled me up when I needed it. She packed us up and moved us out all on her own. I was simply a shell.” You had never heard your father talk like this and wondered what brought about the nostalgia. It was strange to hear about a time you dreamed so often of but in reality knew nothing about. He looked softer as he spoke. “I never wanted to be like that again. Yes, I still drank to forget but I was finally in control where I belonged. We had a good house, in a good town. I had a good wife and a good daughter. Only when that bastard Van der Linde moved in did you start to get reckless, going to town with that dark haired woman and forgetting where you came from. It didn’t take me long to realize you were the only thing left I had to steer away from chaos. My little girl.”

His honey-covered words were hiding something but you couldn’t figure out what it was. The way he spoke of chaos and control sounded religious; he truly meant to save others the same way he found for himself. You sat in silence for a moment before thinking of something to say.

“I’m not your little girl anymore,” your voice remained steady. “To be honest I’m not sure I ever was. Growing up with a daddy who drinks and hits you takes away any kindness he offers and twists it into something evil.”

“You see what I mean?” Milton’s temper flared for a moment and he carefully brought it back in. “All of them, they turned you away from what’s right. They worship savagery.”

“These aren’t things that changed because I met them, they were always wrong! Do you really not see that?”

Milton hesitated before answering. “The life you lived there wasn’t...These people are just playing pretend. They have no sense of contributing to something larger than themselves and it’s so small minded, you were raised to know better than that.”

“Maybe I don’t want to contribute to something,” you muttered. “Maybe I just want to know what it is to not live bound to any rules other than what I need. I’ve seen your justice, father, and I don’t want any part of it.”

Weariness slipped into your bones at the conversation. It was the longest you two had spoken in months, almost a year, and his blind passion did nothing to sway your feelings towards the Pinkertons.

“I’m sure you’ll change your tune. Your mother is too.”

Your head shot up at that. “Mother knows what you’ve done? And she agrees?”

Before he had a chance to answer, a horse came thundering up the road behind you. Squinting through the evening fog you couldn’t make out the rider but had a feeling in your heart that it was someone you knew. They drew closer and with each passing second you grew more anxious. Your father pulled out his pistol and kicked the horses faster.

“Milton!” A feeling of relief washed over you at the sound of the voice. “You ain’t going anywhere with her. Give it up!”

“Arthur!”

The hose below you let out a nervous whinny. It struggled against you pusining to turn with your legs and the yanking from the rope as your father pressed it to go faster than before. You were desperate to get to your husband but it was nearly impossible with no control and you wanted to cry out in frustration.

“Get back, Mr. Morgan. We had a deal but I’m not surprised you snakes went back on it,” your father spit, looking back. “You’ll get nowhere with this stunt.”

“Stop, please stop!” You begged. Arthur was gaining closer with every second.

Milton spun around to check on the pursuer’s progress and the look on his face was murderous. Rage flushed his face and the pressure to flee made the veins in his forehead stand out at a horrifying attention. He paid you no attention as he kicked his horse again.

With less than ten feet between you Arthur kept one hand tightly on the reins and held the other out to you, reaching as far as he could to try and bring you to him. As if on its own, your arm stretched to try and meet his fingertips. You held on to the saddle horn and tried to ignore the sounds of protest coming from your father that drove the horses on somehow.

“Just a bit more, darlin’. I got you. Don’t be afraid!”

“I’m not, I’m not!”

The sound was bordering hysterical. The distance between you was all you had to overcome and then you would be safe and home in Arthur’s arms again. Your heartbeat matched the echoing of hooves around you at the thought of making it to Arthur and simultaneously what would happen if you didn’t.

His blue eyes held yours with no malice and your own fears melted away momentarily. For a month you had been kept apart, by Dutch, by your father. It was time to end all of that.

Just as your hands brushed one another in their first reunion Milton screamed and whipped around to face the two of you.

“Enough! I’ve had enough of this!” The pistol in his free hand raised to take aim at the moving target. “Leave us now or die!”

“No!” You screamed, moving in front of Arthur as best you could to shield him. “Father stop!”

“Milton put the gun down!” Arthur’s voice was low and hard, anxiety weaving its way through at the thought of either of you getting hurt. By now he had a firm grasp on your wrist and the pressure of his hand on you gave you strength. Your mind ran wild trying to think of a way to get out of this alive.

But there simply wasn’t enough time.

The missing heat from Arthur’s fingers registered at the same time as your scream ripped through the muggy air. You clawed at the empty space next to you and watched in horror as a red stain blossomed across Arthur’s shoulder beneath his hand. He looked up almost bewildered.

“Arthur! Arthur no!”

You twisted out of the saddle and fell to the ground with a hard thump. The impact hurt but you pushed it aside. You had to get to Arthur.

Milton stayed silent but circled back around. You ignored him and ran, if you could get far enough you could both still get away. But hope slipped out of your grasp as he came closer.

The shot hit him right in the shoulder and he was bleeding. A lot. Harsh, ragged breaths pulled in and out of Arthur’s chest as he applied shaky pressure to the wound and cursed in agony. You knew there was no way he could ride both of you in that state.

“How could you!” You screamed at your approaching father. “That is my husband you just tried to kill!”

“Milton -”

“Enough of this foolishness!” Milton shouted, spit flying in his desperation and rage. “I will not have you acting like a child any longer. This ain’t over Morgan. You tell Van der Linde -”

“YN -”

“We’re not leaving him! He could die!” Milton gave you a pointed look. Anger bubbled up inside of you. “No, I refuse to go with you.”

“You don’t have a choice. If he dies no one will come after us and you will stay with me. If not,” your father shrugged. “I’ll kill him later.”

Just as you went to join Arthur, Milton grabbed your arm. You struggled and pulled to no avail. He was stronger and dragged you further and further from your husband who held himself up precociously, blood covering his chest.

“I said enough!” Your father yanked you one last time and looked down at you with rage and a hint of pity in his eyes. “You clearly need to be reigned in more than I thought.”

A blinding pain exploded on your right temple and radiated down your neck. Arthur cried out but the sound was lost as your father brought the flat end of his pistol down, hammering it into your temple to knock you out. Unfortunately it worked; you couldn't fight him anymore and Arthur was all but dead if no one knew where he was to help him.

Your last fleeting thought before losing consciousness was that this had to end. The chasing, the fighting, the pain of losing good people who didn’t deserve their fate. It was time to take back the control others had over you and set everything right that had toppled into chaos around you. In a twisted sense your father’s words about disorder and structure were true. Just not in the way he wanted.

You were no one’s pawn and never would be again.

#rdr2 #Red Dead Redemption #fanfic #price to be paid #chapter 33 #I don't think I posted 32?#oh well

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