#but i actually dont think i can tell who actually loves me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cantsaythetword · 1 year

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Somehow everything that's gone pear shaped ATM is linked back to it being my fault and I'm realising holy shit I really need to be better

#he speaks #kinda a vent post #i feel like im fucking up all my relationships cause im a pushover and i have to make things easier for strangers/acquaintances #rather than people i genuinely love #i think my view of people and friendships is fucked #i cannot tell who actually likes me #and after one shakey moment im like OK FUCK YOU NOW HATE ME FOREVER #which i know makes me sound like a whiney lil bitch #and its hard to communicate that to people cause i know if i dont choose my words VERY carefully it can come off as manipulative #so i just... dont tell people?#i act like everybody's friend cause that's what i want my role to be #but i actually dont think i can tell who actually loves me #unless its REAL obvious and then its only temporary until even the slightest thing happens #idk why it is that way #or how to fix it #but i need to #i need to fix it #my gf is mad atm and im like 90% sure it's at a few people and an overall situation #but im terrified that shes mad at me #not cause she'll do anything #just cause in my head people dont get mad at their friends #(WHICH I KNOW ISNT TRUE)#idfk guys my brain is just fucked #i need to sleep or something

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haunted-xander · 8 months

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Baby's first kiss(ing attempt)

#girl whos never had a crush before vs girl who doesnt know she can be upfront about her feelings #rynes like 'wow gaias so cool shes so great i kinda wanna kiss her but thats normal right haha'#and gaias like 'rynes great but shes weird so i cant just say i want to kiss her she probably doesnt even like me that way'#i dont think ryne would ever realoze she has a crush on her own i mean she hasnt had friends her age before #u think she knows the difference between loving ur friends platonically and romantically #at most she realizes that oh my feelings for gaia are different than for the twins/wol/lyna but shed probably just be like #well ofc its different we met in a different way and i cant hang out with the twins/wol/lyna this much so its normal #and gaias just a massive tsundere whos actually a coward with her feelings #like of COURSE she cant just tell ryne she likes her thats WEIRD and shes Normal ok shes so Normal #(she isnt but next to ryne she might feel like she is)#anyway i think wol should give them relationship advice bc SOMEONE needs to teach these girls how crushes work #ryne waters #gaia #rynegaia #gaiaryne #urithan #thanuri #only mentioned but still #final fantasy #final fantasy 14 #final fantasy xiv #ff14 #ffxiv #art #my art #xanders art #digital art #fan art

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elsecrytt · 1 month

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masochist gojo. gojo who's in love with pain, so much that it feels like pleasure, he can barely distinguish between the two anymore.

gojo who's so starved for touch. who's had an infinite space between himself and the whole world for so long, for so many years, every day in and day out.

gojo who's survived off glancing presses when a barista hands him a coffee, the rare hug from his students (who are mostly orphans) that he can't bring himself to decline.

gojo who craves more but can't bring himself to accept it except in fleeting moments with strangers or students.

his hands that long to be held. he wants it so bad that he teases a cursed spirit, laces his fingers with its own, right before he utterly crushes the being in battle, untouchable all over again.

gojo whose skin is hungry for someone else's. he hasn't felt the warmth of a hand in his own in so long. not since - since his youth.

gojo who sometimes wishes he could get hit. who sees the impact of curse techniques on his infinity and feels a wild, strange desire for them to go straight through and strike him.

he imagines it, vividly, being impaled by a long spear (inverted spear) that goes straight through him. how it would lance his flesh so cleanly.

being struck so hard, across the face, in the stomach, enough to knock the wind out of him.

enough to feel it with his whole body.

gojo who wants to be touched so bad he doesn't even care if it hurts anymore. infinity couldn't protect him from geto's betrayal.

gojo who keeps infinity up not because he doesn't want to get hit, but because he's terrified of what he might do when it happens.

gojo who got hard whenever geto sparred with him. he still doesn't know if it was because of geto, or because he had no infinity back then, no way to block the strikes.

he dreams of his youth. bruises littering his pale, pretty form like kisses, proof that he was human, there, that there was someone who could reach him.

dark purple things that turned pretty colors as they healed. he remembers pressing into them, relishing the hurt, feeling like he was getting hit (touched, reached, connected) all over again.

nothing ever touches him again. not like that. not like anything.

he never feels it. he never feels anything.

satoru gojo who wants, so very very badly, to feel something.

pain is a choice for him, always a choice. he alone has the privilege of deciding whether or not anything can touch him.

he could try to let more strangers touch him. one night stands, discreet arrangements. he had a pretty face and a body to match. there was no shortage of willing partners.

he lets them touch him, lets them hurt him. lets them drool over his body and use it at their leisure. they tell him he's beautiful, and he believes them.

white hair, blue eyes, sprawled out with a lean, unmarred body full of bare flesh for them to bite and scratch and bruise. he finds people who will do it, do it hard, fuck him up until he's lost entirely in the feeling of being touched, having someone against him, with him, above him.

it makes him feel like a piece of meat. it makes him feel good.

or he thinks it does, anyways.

sometimes, when he's gone particularly long without sleep, when his partner has gone particularly hard, he gets a real rush.

heart racing out of his chest. a cold sweat that overwhelms him. breaths coming in labored gasps. he can heal himself, he's physically fine, so this must all be in his head.

he acknowledges that information, distantly, like it's not happening to him. it doesn't help.

it feels like part of his body has been ripped away from him, something vital and important, and it's about to get up and run away.

always, always, it happens when his partner is no longer touching him. when he lays alone in the sheets, by his own volition, because of course these partners are not meant to be attachments.

love is not a privilege, though, not for the strongest sorcerer. it's a curse.

it's the only curse which infinity cannot protect him from.

so gojo stays untouchable. distant.

but the hunger doesn't go away. never.

he likes to imagine that suguru swallowed this one last curse before he died. something sweet and bitter, like losses at the arcade, sunny days at the beach, walking together with shoko, nanami, haibara.

but even suguru couldn't have absorbed this curse. it's in his bones, deep, longing and wanting even after he's dead and gone.

gojo is hungry. he is so, so hungry. and he has nothing to eat that will not leave him just as empty as before.

touch-starved. love-starved. pain-craving.

if someone could hurt him then it wouldn't matter that he was terrified of attachment. they could latch onto him, into his heart, under his skin. bury themselves in his chest like they belonged.

they could kill a hundred and twelve people and it wouldn't matter, because he wouldn't be able to kill them.

gojo is hungry, so hungry.

please feed him.

#jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen gojo #satoru gojo #gojo smut #gojo character study (?)#touch-starved gojo MY LOVE #i refuse to believe this gojo is not canon #light stsg but when is a gojo fic NOT hinting at stsg #gojo x geto #gojo x jogo? less unlikely than you think #okay i lied he doesn't REALLY want to fuck jogo - he's just really really pathetic #gojo is just a silly little guy but he is actually a sad clown who annoys people to avoid emotional intimacy #tw: mental health #gojo is coping and he is coping POORLY #it's building up to gojo x reader but that would be a lot for a piece i wrote in thirty minutes so it ends here (for now?)#stay tuned for masochist sukvna because let me tell you. ALL my favorite men are masochists. thats simply canon i dont make the rules #he's begging you please hurt him. please show him he can touch another human being. please remind him he's real.#tw: panic attack

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trashcreatyre · 7 days

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I think the main thing that pisses me off about like 90% of mephiles ships is that people will be like "how old is he??" Look that fanwiki says that he's ten and they RUN with it. Like they don't read further. I'm so convinced that most people don't even know the plot of 06 bc the shit I've seen people draw and write with the characters is just mind boggling.

#trash rambles #like yeah i understand thwt nearly all of the named sonic characters are either minors or unspecified #but like #even if he was actually ten #shipping him with other minor characters would be so weird 😭#plus i dont think it would even matter if he has actually a minor because that uncomfortable power dynamic would still be there with most #other characters #and like #god idk #the amount of dog shit mephiles ships i have to have blocked in my tags is extremely upsetting #LIKE. WDYM?#MARIA??????#STOP IT 😭#tikal makes more sense but that one still makes me uncomfortable #idk i dont even remember all the ones i blocked i just remember that find the maria posts was like #devistating #that and the one person who liked all my 06 posts and was a mephiles and elise shipper (theyre siblings to me so someone like that liking m #art of them is understanbly upsetting)#that being said how old do i think infinite is??? because he doesnt have an official age (that i could find)#personally i think hes anywhere from 19 (at the absolute youngest) to like. early 30s idk 💀#somewhere between thoes idk #the only version of him that has a 100% solid age in my head is for the ghost au and hes 22 in that (bc hes a junior in collage)#n e way #i just woke up so ignore if this is illegible #ugh idk i really try not to be gate-keepy about stuff i like because its annoying but like #i love 06 so much it kinda hurts tl see people just kinda not knowing even the basic plot or like. only going off the fandubs (which i #really enjoy but at a certain point you can only say mephiles is ur favorite and have people quote it at you or in the comments of your 06 #posts so many times before you just like. idk. (also ive had people irl tell me 06 sucks after i told them directly it was my favorite sonic #game??? like??? bro you asked ME.))

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r0zzk1ll · 1 month

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"this man, is weird.. CRAZY weird.." "he was always very bright.."

#i think abt this soo often u have no idea #no one understands them like i do.. sighh..#platonic or romantic idc There is something Happening there #this also implies that sammy doesn't hate norman/displays some form of positive feeling towards him #bc it's shown in canon that he doesn't rlly like many ppl in the studio #and despite sammy's descent into insanity norman still appreciated him for who he was #they way norman talks abt sammy in his first audio log feels so personal too #probably kicked his feet and giggled abt him idk man #like okaayy what u kno abt him pooks... something u wanna tell me.. twirls my hair/..#IM SO ILL OH MY GODDDDDDDD #CAN ANYONE HEAR ME #i could go on a full 2 hour youtube rant abt how tragic they are #both together and as separate people #and dont even get me STARTED on the reason for norman's heart obsession while in the cycle and why he collects them #UGGHHHHHHHH KICKS THE WALL PUNCHES THE FLOOR I HATE THE FLOOR #been mentally ill about them since 2017 ❤ we up #at least until my pea sized 8 yr old child brain found out normmy was a thing #finding that shitty ms paint ship art changed my life..#theyre literally my og otp 5eva nothing will top them ever #smushing their faces together like barbies type shit #i do wish they had some kind of interaction actual gameplay wise in batim (or even batdr)#idc what kind i just need to see them in the same room together interacting in some way #batim #bendy and the ink machine #normmy #sammy lawrence #norman polk #norman x sammy #rosey rambles #I LOVE DOOMED YAOI

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arsenicflame · 2 months

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(in general, removed from any specific au's where he needs to swim/not swim for Plot)

(personally, i think my stance is that he has some ability to keep himself afloat in calmer waters- on the shore or in a pool- but not in the way where its a particular skill. hes spend enough time dicking around in the shallows with Jack & Sam & Ed to know how to handle himself in water where he cant consistently reach the bottom, to feel comfortable cooling off by a waterfall, but is also keenly aware that if he goes overboard, even in relatively calm waters, being able to swim isnt going to do anything to save his life if a dinghy isnt sent. hes not gonna drown the second he's in the ocean or anything, but hes screwed if the waters a little too rough or its late or a raid and it isnt noticed before the ships a way away.)

#this came to mind bc i was writing a thing that had this 'of course izzy cant swim' moment and i suddenly realised. i dont know where people #stand on this. god knows i love a drowning fic but thats situational not swimming to me. for the whump #doesnt mean you think he has no swimming skills; you gotta put that man in a Predicament #so! poll #this was gonna be a yes/no/other poll buuuut i ended up deciding to add treading water (type things) as an option in the poll #because i figured itd be the most common nuance take (its my take after all) and id rather leave nuance for people who have unique ideas #(and maybe some people will consider treading water as just swimming too so. fair divide! give u ur own special button for Statistics)#ok but actually tell me your headcanons. tell meeeeee #nyxtalks #ofmd #our flag means death #izzy hands #israel hands #additional: i say stay afloat bc i dont see it as a traditional tread water as such. more like... leaning into natural buoyancy?#like how you can lie on your back and float. hes completely untrained but he has something that works for him #ed can swim btw. it was something he wanted to learn so he did. but hes never had any interest in teaching izzy #(this will come back to bite him later)#hes occasionally raised it with izzy; when hes doing laps in a quiet spring they found. but the topic switched and it never went anywhere #(i debated adding my personal comments to the op for a while but. i like hearing what other people have to say. so.)

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puppyeared · 5 months

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who up seeing their disorder in a fictional character but feel like its not their place to put a name on it

#id have to be waterboarded before i can talk abt how i see a lot of my adhd and personality in mitsumi iwakura let alone post it #idk how to talk abt this without feeling like im talking over or invalidating ppls experiences relating with a character #someone was talking abt how ppl tie laios' autism to special interest and social difficulties but not much else which kinda flattens it #and then went into a respectful in depth analysis of other autistic behaviour that laios exhibits and it wasnt phrased meanly #its fascinating and important to me to hear someone explain a little bit abt traits that they recognized and often go overlooked #because it does help me learn more about it. but i think thats also where hesitancy kicks in when it comes to depicting it accurately #like i have adhd and some of my adhd symptoms overlap with autism (time blindness and pattern seeking behaviour) but that only means #it feels familiar to me even without having autism. on top of that traits arent always cleanly determined as being /caused/ by #a disorder. to understand my environment i compare it to something unrelated but similar to make it more familiar and for the longest time #i thought that was a personality thing and not an information processing thing since i loved playing pretend in my head as a kid #so if you make a character who experiences that hoping to reach people that also experience that and tell them its not weird or #smth youre making up like. thats the goal. ppl who dont get it arent expected to it just means it doesnt cater to them but it helps them #become familiar to it yk? since i dont have autism myself i dont feel confident i can depict it properly or explain it in my own words #but that doesnt mean im trying to dismiss it or try and cut it out completely.. ill just leave the floor open to someone who /can/#a lot of issues around fanon depictions are when smth is baselessly popularized or a characters personality and behavior is flattened #especially to fit them into a trending meme. its harmless and its supposed to be for fun but it gets tricky when you drag things that #need to be carefully explained beforehand or else it gets lost in translation. like that tweet abt 'hyperfixating' on cooking pasta #once it becomes popular language usually the original meaning is left out for the sake of simplifying it for everyone that when it #circles back theres a sort of hesitancy like. am i using it the way it was intended or am i unknowingly using the popularized version of it #actually thats probably why i felt wrongfooted during diagnosis bc it felt like i was misusing the words i heard to describe what i felt #i /know/ i see a lot of myself in mitsumi because our minds are always somewhere else and we tend to put good faith first and for me #that personal connection is enough. but idk it feels like its always gonna have to be 'palatable' first before i can talk abt it openly #mad respect to writers and creators who stick to their story even if theres the looming fear of ppl misinterpreting it and letting them #have it.. its been almost 2 weeks and i am so close to deleting that m3 dunmeshi drawing bc ppl keep saying chilchuck wouldnt have 200 HP #IT LITERALLY SAYS I MADE IT WHILE WATCHING EP 1. I USED EARTHBOUND LOGIC AND I WASNT EVEN TAKING IT SERIOUSLY CHILL #yapping

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icewindandboringhorror · 6 months

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examining a seemingly normal image only to slowly realize the clear signs of AI generated art.... i know what you are... you cannot hide your true nature from me... go back where you came from... out of my sight with haste, wretched and vile husk

#BEGONE!!! *wizard beam blast leaving a black smoking crater in the middle of the tumblr dashboard*#I think another downside to everyone doing everything on phone apps on shitty tiny screens nowadays is the inability to really see details #of an image and thus its easier to share BLATANTLY fake things like.. even 'good' ai art has pretty obvious tells at this point #but especially MOST of it is not even 'good' and will have details that are clearly off or lines that dont make sense/uneven (like the imag #of a house interior and in the corner there's a cabinet and it has handles as if it has doors that open but there #are no actual doors visible. or both handles are slightly different shapes. So much stuff that looks 'normal' at first glance #but then you can clearly tell it's just added details with no intention or thought behind it. a pattern that starts and then just abruptly #doesn't go anywhere. etc. etc. )#the same thing with how YEARS ago when I followed more fashion type blogs on tumblr and 'colored hair' was a cool ''''New Thing''' instead #of being the norm now basically. and people would share photos of like ombre hair designs and stuff that were CLEARLY photoshop like #you could LITERally see the coloring outside of the lines. blurs of color that extend past the hair line to the rest of the image #or etc. But people would just share them regardless and comment like 'omg i wish I could do this to my hair!' or 'hair goallzzzz!! i #wonder what salon they went to !!' which would make me want to scream and correct them everytime ( i did not lol)#hhhhhhggh... literally view the image on anything close to a full sized screen and You Will SEe #I don't know why it's such a pet peeve of mine. I think just as always I'm obsessed with the reality and truth of things. most of the thing #that annoy me most about people are situations in which people are misinterpreting/misunderstanding how something works or having a misconc #eption about somehting thats easily provable as false or etc. etc. Even if it's harmless for some random woman on facebook to believe that #this AI generated image of a cat shaped coffee machine is actually a real product she could buy somewhere ... I still urgently #wish I could be like 'IT IS ALL AN ILLUSION. YOU SEE???? ITS NOT REALL!!!!! AAAAA' hjhjnj #Like those AI shoes that went around for a while with 1000000s of comments like 'omg LOVE these where can i get them!?' and it's like YOU #CANT!!! YOU CANT GET THEM!!! THEY DONT EXIST!!! THE EYELETS DONT EVEN LINE UP THE SHOES DONT EVEN #MATCH THE PATTERNS ARE GIBBERISH!! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THEY ARE NOT REAL!??!!' *sobbing in the rain like in some drama movie*#Sorry I'm a pedantic hater who loves truth and accuracy of interpretation and collecting information lol #I think moreso the lacking of context? Like for example I find the enneagram interesting but I nearly ALWAYS preface any talking about it #with ''and I know this is not scientifically accurate it's just an interesting system humans invented to classify ourselve and our traits #and I find it sociologically fascinating the same way I find religion fascinating'. If someone presented personality typing information wit #out that sort of context or was purporting that enneagram types are like 100% solid scientific truth and people should be classified by the #unquestionaingly in daily life or something then.. yeah fuck that. If these images had like disclaimers BIG in the image description somewh #re like 'this is not a real thing it's just an AI generated image I made up' then fine. I still largely disagree with the ethics behind AI #art but at least it's informed. It's the fact that people just post images w/o context or beleive a falsehood about it.. then its aAAAAAA

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faaun · 3 months

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i feel rly sad and conflicted abt one of my best friends on earth but idk who to ask for advice bc i usually would have consulted her in this situation lmao

#shes cool and i dont want to lose her and i know Logically i love her but atm i feel so strange towards her #and idk what to do abt it bc i know in the past ive like...over-communicated a lot and over the last few yrs ive been trying to not do that #bc thats an anxious impulse i think .so like . self control #AND IMPORTANTLY . i may actually be the problem here ?? ok again i love her i dont want to lose her etc but basically ive noticed a pattern #which is that whenever she gets a bf/a man (even fwb) in her life she basically stops talking to me and the limited interactions we do have #become abt him. and while i support her it is acc too much. like we barely talked while she was w her ex bf until he became abusive and #then we talked a lottt like all our convos understandably were abt him . and then when they broke up we kept hanging out so i didnt rly see #the pattern there but still she seemed to centre men a lot in her life like sbe was excited to not date and find herself and then #immediately afterwards started seeing this other guy with whom shes basically in a relationship now #hes nice and all but like . HES ALL SHE TALKS ABT . actually we barely talk atp but when we do its abt him #she sends me reels sometimes but its all abt being jealous abt him etc . and shes bi but she said she doesnt like the idea of dating women #bc theyre scary . and i thought she was kidding in the ohhh women r so beautiful that theyre intimidating way but no she was being entirely #fr . she explained jts bc she was bullied by a girl in the past but like...bro ur ex bf literally abused you like surely you see men are #capable of just as much harm? but obvs who she dates is her own choice . but anyway she has consistently made plans w me then cancelled the #like an hr before . or asked to call me and then proceeded to not do so . when i ask her to meet/call its the same she just doesnt respond #or she cancels ? and while i understand anxiety sucks it feels SO WEIRD STILL . maybe im the problem slightly too bc ik i have no right to #feel this way but it rubs me the wrong way that ik she has so much time to spend w him/calls him all the time despite meeting him just a fe #months ago whereas i just have to like ...be ok w not actually having talked to her for a long time #its gotten to the point where when she says do you wanna meet/call i automatically respond yes and then just assume it doesnt happen . like #there have been several times over the past few months i double booked plans over when we were supposed to call/meet bc i was sure she #wouldnt show up and ive been right each time #like she sends me texts that she misses me or im her best friend etc etc occasionally and then acts rly . contrary to that ?#ive talked to her abt the issue w cancelling on me twice btw. when i was still dating the situationship person she would get sooo mad at #them for not respecting my time and shed tell me i deserve better etc etc and then like . she doesnt seem to respect my time at all #anyway she said she understand and she admits to like...being flaky etc but does nothing abt it #and its not like i can tell her to stop caring so much abt men bc we sorta had convos like that b4 she got This involved w this guy #and apparently it did nothing and the last thing i want is to police her relationships or get in her way #its just AUSHD AUGH #anyway i rly miss her it just doesnt feel the same at all anymore

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shutup-andletme-go · 3 months

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I cannot rely on one person for me to be happy my happiness isn't allowed to be only triggered by one person I can be happy at every little thing it doesn't matter about this one person

#im in too far fucking deep again #and when he leaves again its gonna hurt just as much. but more.#finch posts #he makes me happy beyond belief and i goddamn love having a friend who knows me inside out and has done for so long #but. your love is my drug by kesha comes to mind. its fucking intoxicating talking to him #and last time he left (we were 12 and his parents moved their family) it made me kinda depressed and i was so fucking needy to talk to him #and now we're three and a half months into rekindling the friendship and i feel the same like i get really sad already >#>if i just dont talk to him for a couple of days without like a trip or friends or smthn else to entertain me #songs are starting to remind me of him #fuck fuck fuck #1am in the morning makes me too honrst #i think im still a bit (a lot) in love with them #ohmygod i dont even think it i know it #i should go to sleep earlier #it would stop me having so many thoughts #i havent seen him in multiple years but i can still imagine kissing him #oh fucking hell fuck my actual whole fucking life #and his closest friend where he lives now well they were starting to be a bit of a thing and surely its not fucking normal>#>to daydream about kissing a girl who ive literally never seen a photo of #holy fucking hell i am such a hopeless poly bisexual #WHY DONT WE REWRITE THE STARSSSS #oh this is circling round to my suspicions i might be kinda like demi romantic??#i should buy myself flowers . wait. no. i grow flowers 🫠#well i could still buy myself flowers . and i should #i need to go to the beach #cant wait to get a proper drivers license #if youve made it this far down my crisis hi youve gotten to the stage where u can tell what songs im listening to!

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percki · 5 months

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best trios are two guys who are in love and a third guy who is in it for the money

#national treasure #the mummy #'the money' does not have to refer to actual money in this case. it can refer to glory or fame or A Specific Goal #star wars #actually the first 3 star wars movies do a really funny job of turning this on its head bc you would think that luke and leia are the ones-#in love but in fact it is han solo who is both in love and in it for the money #pjo #grover is not in it for the money but his ass is in it for the glory!!! first searcher to find pan??? youre telling me he DOESNT want that?#this also can apply to certain love triangles!#tropes... tropes save me... save me tropes #not tagging harry potter cause i dont want them near me but ron harry and hermione are ALSO an example #this is buffy as well. to me #ferris bueller's day off ALSO does a funny job of turning it on its head #in that all cameron wants is A Fucking Break #talk tag

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cowboy-robooty · 2 months

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not going to name names bc thats messed up but omfg i was tryna find records of old heta fandom shit to show inu right and i found a hetalia iceberg and I SAW MY 2019 OPP ON THERE. IT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY LIKE MY EYES BULGED OUT OF MY SKULL BECAUSE IM NOT EVEN JOKING I HATED THIS BITCH SO MUCH WHEN I WAS 14 AND NGL I STILL HATE HER. I DIDNT SAY NOTHING AND KEPT CURTIOUS AND NORMAL OBVIOUSLY BUT ON THE INSIDE I WANTED HER ASS DEAD EVERYDAY AND WELL... you all know im never in the loop with things and had no fucking clue that she was just the antichrist for an entire group of people lol. SHE WAS MY ANTICHRIST THO. I HATED HER AND SHE HATED ME OKAY AND IM LIKE RODF SEEING HOW SHES ON THE FUCKING HETALIA ICEBERG I WAS LIKE OMG.... I THOUGHT ONLY I FUCKING DESPISED HER