#but i cant right now because my friend is out for the day
Text
𝑀𝓎 𝒲𝒶𝓎
Synopsis: You and heeseung have been dating for about 3 months now. You both were the most popular people on the entire campus. It was all fine until you two got in a fight because of his ex. But now you have to go your own 𝒲𝒶𝓎.
Mentioning: All of enhypen (heeseungs friendgroup), yunjin lsfm (y/n bestie), yunah illit (heeseungs sister and your bestie), karina aespa (y/n bestie), keeho p1h (y/n brother), yeji itzy ( heeseungs ex ),more..
°•More under cut•°
Pairing: Popular bf!Heeseung x Popular gf!Fem Reader
Taglist: @mitmit01 @mimisxs
BOLD = CANT BE TAGGED
Warnings: Cursing,Fighting,love language is pt so will hug,cuddle alot,nothing much,idrk! (this specific chapter might be cringe)
SFW MINORS ALLOWED!!
𝑀𝓎 𝒲𝒶𝓎
Thinking about it you realized you met him at Yunah's party. That was the day you met the Lee Siblings! Also when he met you and asked "I like you can i have your number?" Remembering that you decided to relive that moment and started replaying the memories.
You were at Yunah's house and she asked you to grab somethign from her room. You didnt know that the room on the right was hers and you went to the left. Oh boy did you know what was happening in there. You walked in to the room on the left and walked in to see some random group of hot dudes all playing League Of Legends. You did NOT expect that. "Oh sorry, but what are you doing in Yunah's room?" You asked the group of boys. Wow you were stupid. "Uh this is my room.." You tilt your head as you look at the boy who said that. His room? Who is he? "Uh who are you?". Are you dumb though? "Wow thats a new one. I guess ill introduce myself. Im Lee Heeseung." Holy shit bro. You never seen him but heard about him. Your in THE LEE HEESEUNGS room. "Oh sorry-" you tried saying before getting cut off. "Its fine your Yoon Y/N right?" Heeseung said. How did he know? "Oh yeah." You say shrugging. "Oh your Keeho's brother right? Your the most popular girl" Someone else shouts. "Oh uhm yeah!" you say trying to leave the room but they keep talking to you. "Im Jake." Oh so the one who said your keehos brother is Jake. "Dont be friends with him! Hes a loser and a bop. Im Riki." oh, so this is a competition about friends. "Yah! Dont say that Riki, your making yourself a loser! By the way im Sunoo :)" wow. so your gonna assume the other 3 are Sunghoon, Jay, and Jungwon. How do you know this? Yunah told you about them, plus you've seen them. "Oh well ima go bye!" You said while looking at Heeseung. He was smiling and you might have smiled back. You walk into Yunah's room and grab her hat like she asked. "Im back!" you yell walking down.
"What took you so long Yn?" Yunah asked you. "I got a little distracted" Wait when did he ask you out? That night lasted FOREVER. Oh yeah when you went to grab a jelly shot he and his friend group was there. You tried grabbing the jelly shots from the cabinet (why were they there?) but failed. You were lowkey embarrassed. "Here i got you." Someone says pressing his body against your while reaching to get it. You turn around "Oh thanks hee-" you got cut off AGAIN. "Your welcome princess. By the way your really pretty!" Heeseung says while smiling at you. "Oh thanks" You say and all you can hear from behind was "OOOH~!" bro- anyway. "I like you can i have your number?" What do you say? A really hot,tall,pretty guy just asked YOU for YOUR number. "Yeah sure!" You say and dial your number into his phone. "Thanks" He says then you walk away. You go back to Yunah,Karina,And Wonyoung. "Heeseung just gave me his number now what do i do?" You looked annnoyed but was not. "GIRL ARE YOU NOT EXCITED?! YOU GOT LEE HEESEUNGS NUMBER!" thats all you remembered so then you went to the next party and then the next hoping to see him until one day
You were at Jake's party and they were bumping loud music and you were lowkey over-stimulated. The people everywhere you went were loud and someone noticed it and pulled you to the side. "Hey you okay? You dont look so good" It was Heeseung. "Oh yeah just over-stimulated." you reply. "Yeah, Sometimes it gets too loud."
< Previous - Masterlist - Next >
AN: Did i just leave yall like that. YES. It was short cause i lowkey feel sick and literally am throwing up. But i hope you enjoyed this so far. We are halfway through this FF woooo!
#enhypen#lee heeseung#heeseung#enhypen x reader#heeseung x reader#heeseung ff#heeseung imagines#heesung enhypen#lee heesung x reader#enhypen fanfic#enhypen fanfiction#heeseungismymanz
27 notes
·
View notes
Text
sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:
thing that I already do
thing I have tried 10 times
thing I already do
thing that I don't have the money to do
thing I already do
thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail
thing that is impossible given my situation
thing that doesn't apply to me
thing that I already do
thing I have already tried
hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently
thing I have already done
#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things#out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever#all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever#or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple#and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already#done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and#all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3#my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster#talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo#I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache#or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop#e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all#sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef#t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of#way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I#think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i#gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant#mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain#or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right#now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like#most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once#that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY#Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth
21 notes
·
View notes
Note
2.
(An embarrasing story)
Funfact☝️ IM NEVER EMBARRASER HAH
#Sugh storytime#When i was younger my uncles wife was an absolute bitch but either way i was right with her and we were all like calm and happy and everyth#And onr day i was at my cousins house in my pajamas because cousin sleepovers☝️ and mind you i looked like a rats nest#And it was 4 in the morning and i was thirsty#So i went downstairs to get water and guess whos there#Alllll of my uncles wifes friends and cousins and family#And there i am lookibg terrible eith bloodshot eyes and a birds nest and water spilling down my shirt so she waved high and in my panic#I went to her and i jumped to hug her.#She was 4 months pregnant#I did not know#I ran and jumped on her to give her a hug#slamming into her stomach#Everyone gasped and my unckes wifes mother screamed#I thoight it was becayse of the back of my hair#I ran out the room crying#My cousin now is really really dumb and i cant help but think its my fault for slamming into him whike he was in the womb#I still remember this and cringe myself to sleep
18 notes
·
View notes
Text
I tried to be nice and clean for my dad since he hates messy spaces and the kitchen is messy but i just came home from a 12 hour shift and passed out on the kitchen floor :C
#I feel so bad#I'm gonna give him one of those home made coupons i used to make as a child#I still feel bad tho cause i wanted him to wake up to fesh made breakfast and a clean house but#instead hes gonna wake up to a half cleaned kicthen with everything oit of the cabniets and on the floor and a bigger mess than i found it#and then its not even like i can clean it right away either :((#Like all day tomorrow we're going to my aunts house and then i'm busy with work and hanging out with my friends on monday and tuesday#Currently i can finish it on wensday but idk if im even free#THIS SUCKS#AND I CANT EVEN SLEEP BECAUSE OF INSOMNIA I JUST CANT MOVE#NOW I HAVE TO LAY HERE FOR UNTIL MY BODY WORKS REVELING IN MY SELF HATING THOUGHTS :C#inp4ut shenanigans#inp4ut insomnia rambles
11 notes
·
View notes
Note
Holy fuck I thought Jo was in a speedo for a second 🥵🥵🥵
crying at the thought of jo in a speedo cause i know he's miserable 24/7 and speedos are for people who love life. like adachi.
#snap chats#like do we see the mental image. grandpa you cant be sad and slouched over and have your buns out thats not right#also i believe sawashiro should never have more than maybe 10% of his skin showing. this includes his face#so really like the rest goes to his hands and chest and thats it we have to stop there. anything else feels too much#adachi speedo was the realest thing rgg ever did but they immediately nullified it by making him shredded#they are only marginally forgiven for giving him body hair. like there's a vicious game of tug o war going on over there#a lots going on here and its because youtube wont play my music. it buffers like hell and i think its cause they know i use ad block#jokes on them i can accidentally sit in silence for an hour without realizing it this is nothing to me#anyway im listening to sisters of mercy and im reminded of lucretia and now im thinking of final fantasy dirge of cerberus#her names lucrecia with a c but it pronounced the same now innit ...#cannot wait to hang with my best friend and finish that game some day .... almost called her my sister... lol ...#she may as well be a sister to me what am i on. all my friends are family to me#NO TIME TO DAWDLE ON THAT. This Corrosion time .....
17 notes
·
View notes
Text
When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out
#vent#its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything#i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant.#im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something-#-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again.#plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal)#and just#im fucking tired ok#and I'm sorry im a bad friend#i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some.#but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired#i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn?#and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON.#I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it#but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit#and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them#and they can lash out on me#i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not#last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend#it wasnt my fault#that friend ghosted me#im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too#but at the same time im too done to even really care#i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
very busy babysitting a duo of kittens (only two months old) the last few days but i shall be drawing when i return home (this includes requests)
and also if anyone wants to see the babies send an ask and i can post them in response hehe i have taken SO many photos
#yew branch#also i just missed a step on the stairs going down and ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow#i am now trapped on the couch until my back stops exploding at least a bit#upside tho is that the kittens are playing together on the couch#sometimes right on my lap!! theyre so so so so cute#i adore them#BUT YEAH i shall be drawing when i return home provided my back allows me to sit upright by that time#bc it sure isnt rn GDJSGJS#im sad ill have to go home tho.. these kittens are some of the cutest beasts alive#life is worth living because every day kittens are playing and having fun#i miiiiiiight be able to indirectly take one#one of my best friends might possibly be able/willing to take one and keep her with her own cat for me#until i move out of my parents house mid next year#so i might get to have... kitten that ive watched grow up from newborns...#the story behind these kittens is that one of my other best friends took in a stray and she turned out to be pregnant#and had these two!!#im also watching the three adult cats in this house but theyre not nearly as much of a handful#as can be imagined this friend is very tired of having 5 cats in the house regardless of how small two of them are GDJSVSN#which is very very understandable#i dont think i would want five cats unless i had a fairly large house. if i had a large house and plenty of free time most of each day#to give them play time and tons of affection#as well as the physical ability to keep up with them all#then id gladly have five cats#who knows maybe someday ill have a nice big house and plenty of spare time and my ddd will be under control#but that doesnt seem likely#aside from ddd being managed! because i have a pain relieving steroid injection tomorrow and then ill be starting physical therapy!!#im excited and i have a lot of hope for at least the physical therapy to help#PLUS THEY HAVE A POOL FOR PHYSICAL THERAPY!!!!!!! AND I LOVE SWIMMING ESPECIALLY AS A GENTLE WORKOUT#and low impact things are very important for my body specifically i cant do high impact exercise or itll hurt me#plus i just love being in water i swear i was meant to be an aquatic elf from dnd
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
me when running away from everyone makes me end up all alone:
#i dont have any irl friends anymore theyre all gone with my old discord and its been too long to go back#i lost myself over the summer in ways i can never explain.. i dont know where i am if im being honest#drinking is worsening it all#i feel so insane.. genuinely.. i cant stop getting into my own head and letting it all happen#its just me and teddy#im too scared to leave the house for longer than a few hours anymore#i cant handle people looking at .e#me. i cant handle talking. i cant handle daily tasks of anything. even these days moving feels too hard#i keep finding myself face down floating in the river#and when i turn my body over#my face isnt rotten#it isnt bloated at all.#... its just me and i look young and like i died two minutes ago#then i snap out and im making dinner#and im someone else. somewhere else forever#im so alone but id rather it right now. no one knows how bad it is. intentionally. i never tell anyone#because what would they do?#the only thing i ever learned was to run away and hide. i cant stop thinking i need to keep doing it#i just want everyone to be rid of me so i keep running and running and running
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
what if instead of messaging me in the middle of the night about your stupid fucking girlfriend and your stupid fucking problems with her you actually act like my fucking friend and message me like how you message everyone else in our group
#bye ignore my venting bigger problems what fucking ever#im sick of her ass she only messages us for us to help her with her fucking girlfriend problems like we arent even friends atthis fckn point#and i love her shes so funny whatever but god shes literally the worst because i just want to be friends i dont fucking care ab her goddamn#selfish ass gf thats shes obsessed with. be obsessed tell me about it but cant we be friends ab other stuff too#we used to be her 'favorite friend' cause we shared so many interests and we hung around what fucking ever but fuck that right#get a gf and just use us to help better yalls relationship without even telling her you're sharing her private msgs w us huh yeah sure#what fucking ever im so done with this bitch and i cant even get my contacts out cause i have long nails and im js poking my eye#AND SHE WOULD NEVER BE SORRY if our friendship fell apart she would tell everyone i was jealous of her gf or what ever i literally dont care#she was like an older sister before i dont get why getting a gf would have to change shit like ok good for u but what ab us#what about me its not even fucking fair like is it that hard to keep up w ur friends?? NO its fucking not#taking me so long to write a post bc im still fucking helping her with her stupid dumb selfish idiotic gf omfg#just BREAK UP i literally dont fucking care just leave her if she makes u unhappy its literally online tf is she gonna do to u nothing omfg#why am i the one being punished when shes the one with the stupid dumb gf that hates her and herself i dont fucking care i js want m friend#and i cant tell any of our mutual friends cause she dont do that to them its js me so itd be like im being dramatic#and like shit i guess i am but i dont care atp thats all she ever talks to me ab like ok i get it i helped u but stop jfc#but if i said that we'd never talk again bc what fucking ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cause im just dramatic whatever#if u cant resolve these simple problems of communication on ur own then maybe u shouldnt be in a relationship idk js my thoughts! die#sry the 1 person who knows what xactly i mean is asleep and im so tired of getting late night msgs being like hii can u help me SHUT UP#id love to help if we were actually still fucking friends but we arent so js leave me alone bruh#post#nickpost#will delete in morning my mom keeps telling me to put my phone down bt i need 2 say smfh 2 some1#i hate change i hate slight differences in my normal day to day i hate everything i hate not having smth to rely on i hate change i hate it#sry im alg now im js sick of her ass js leave bruh#nimbhe my moms yelling im tired anyway i need to js isolate myself forever no problems if im on an island alone#living my best life in the shade drinking idk water or whatever and just talking to myself bc who even needs friends right!!!!!!!!#its 11:11 make a wjsh#adding more cz whatever im deleting this ltr anyway#its so clear where i stand with everyone cause its always close but not close enough friendly but not friends and i guess its the same w her#bye im out of tags etc whatever nobody matching my freak ever never comfortable in any friendships
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
its so weird to read some of my old fics (do NOT do it but i'm just being hypothetical rn) and reading it. like who even was this person?? i completely was in a haze back in 2020. i literally was posting 3 chapters a day. A DAY. what in the WORLD was that shit.
anyway i remembered some STUPID sappy shit and i didnt remember if i'd put it into a fic or not BUT I FOUND IT.
She and Hope had been dating in secret for months anyway, and any attempt to go talk to Ryan only filed her disposition of displeasure upon knowing that she couldn’t tell anyone, Molly especially, it destroyed herself mentally. They couldn’t really go anywhere near the school, always having to lie to everyone about having projects together when Molly wasn’t around them.
It’d consisted with 9 PM - 2 AM intervals of being able to actually see each other. Hope would sneak through her small bedroom window with a portable record player and whatever she had gotten from the vintage record store downtown, and Amy would always fall asleep around eleven because of her internal clock.
She would always wake up to find a single sticky note stuck on the edge of her desk whenever she woke up to her alarm the next morning.
One of them, Amy still had tucked inside of her phone case, a heavily detailed human heart, with blue and red ink sketched onto a neon pink sticky note, there was a caption that headed the small paper reading the phrase over every now and again makes her almost melt every time.
“You have my heart.”
yeah idk why the fuck but i thought of this fucking idea again today and i was like "omg did i ever put that heart note thing in a fic???" yeah you fucking did.
all that to say ME AND WHO???? imagine. thats so fucking.... RAHHHH.
#NOT TOH FANFIC#see this is why i write fanfic. to enact some gay ass shit like this.#the fucking STICKY NOTE WITH A DRAWING OF A HUMAN HEART AND SAYING “YOU HAVE MY HEART” I AM ON THE FLOOR.#*sighs* sucks i cant reuse it on lumity though.#my friend making me realize i actually have rizz but am just too much of a disaster to actually understand cues with people#its a MESS. im just all over the place. i literally ranted to THE SAME FRIEND yesterday (or the day before??) abt some girl jesus.#anyway i remember writing A LOT OF POETRY back in hs about this one girl and then the same girl i got to talk to--#--my first actual conversation with her i blurted out that i wanted to shave my head. she was like.... oooooo god i was A MESS#still slid into her school dms during covid and was like “haha guess what i actually mf did???” anyway all that to say underlying dysphoria#they're nonbinary now too and i kinda ghosted them like a complete idiot :(. its been two years or so but i still think of them... a lot...#actually i have more lore about this person and its like istg they actually really liked me but i could not pick it up.#we had such SUCH good chemistry and vibes. n they were really pretty. ughhhhhh.#anyway yeah idk crushes are weird sometimes. the universe knows how unstoppable id be with a partner#i feel like i was the reason they were able to find themself and their identity because when we were talking i always encouraged them#and told them to do what felt right. im glad they did. i think sometimes that brings me peace. like i served a purpose.#STILL showed them toh. STILL SHOWED THEM TOH.#we were talking about amity LMAO “this green haired girl seems interesting” SHE SO WAS.#...yeah i wish i could text them but i kinda probably fucked it up.#shitposting shit#idk what this post is i just wanted to talk about this dumb sticky note thing because im rotating it in my brain and remembering how#mentally ill i was back in 2020#talking into the void yk how it isssss
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
dont say this enough but i truly appreciate all of you. thank you for every moment shared
#not to sound incredibly out of it and disconnected from humanity as a whole but all of you are a reminder of an existence outside of this#shitty room. that there is something beyond the day in day out nothing im going to wrestle with forever. i dont know how to word this#i know im unresponsive and reticent and withdrawn and thaat any connection made is temporary and shitty and i am sorry foro that. i don t#know how to be a human being. it isnt due to anyone but mysefl and my shitty insignificant fears. i might not respond i might shy away afte#just a few messages but i truly truly appreciate everything. you make me human#^ sorry that sounds strange as fuck and over reliant on people i cant form lasting connections with but i dont know how else to phrase it#and im going to have to say goodbye one day and it is going to hurt but im not close enough to a single person to make it personal ive just#got frayed and split connections things that mightve been but never bloomed because i just couldnt REPLY so it could always be worse. it is#a mercy it wont hurt as bad as it could when i leave because nobody really got to know me beyond a distant possibility#i wish i could but i just cannot handle being friends with anyone. not of anyones fault but my own#i know im being presumptuous and attention seeking and shitty here. im sorry#i could leave right now. i really could. its a thought that dogs after every single action the knowledge of just how fragile life is. death#is less than five minutes away an easy solution right at my fingertips and still i get too fucking scared to grab ahold of it. clinging to#these ephemeral insignificant connections thaat are now naught but usernames on dashboards and passing thoughts when i ought to just leave
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
not been a good day today fellas
#i miss my ex i have no irl friends that i hang out with anymore because of that#cant believe i used to be happy!! lol!!!#thee suicidal thoughts have come back#lost the good old self harm battle 14 days into 2024#i want to die!!! lol!!!! lmao!!!!!!!!#vent#get me out of here fr this shit fucking sucks#i don’t want to work at this job i have no friends i have no prospects#im scared of driving even tho i just got my permit again a couple days ago#i feel like im never going to do anything productive with my life#i hate the way i look i hate this fucking body i was born into#i hate god etc etc#i cant ever have confidence in a relationship again because im afraid they’re not really attracted to me#and they’re doing it for a joke or something#surely there’s a word for that#idk! i feel like i will never fit in with anybody because of the way i am#(homeschooled autistic idiot raised jehovah’s witness)#not to mention the fact that im queer#god!! i fucking hate everything right now myself most of all#im so sick of this i wish i had a different life#why couldn’t i have been born a skinny dude.#maybe then i’d want to kill myself slightly less#also pls don’t comment on this im going to bed#ill be fine eventually i dont have an actual way to do anything
1 note
·
View note
Text
Ridiculously depressed but I am running ragged (which is surely worsening the depression ToT) so like the idea of weekly therapy to further exhaust me and trigger the anxiety more doesn't sound super compatible
#rant#like. i havent eaten in 6 days im fucking miserable amd on edge. my gi issues are FUCKED right now#so i cant eat and im desperate To eat asap so i really hope my gi issues improve soon jesus fucking christ#anyway... on top of that which... homestly on its own is enough to destroy me emotilnally and exhaust me....#i also am intensely deptessed a friend has like 5 crushes 4 dating options#i looked up advice today! oh no the spiral! i am considering paying money for a matchmaking service just so i can hate myself more i guess#when even that fails. i havent had a crush in 5 years either. i had like 3 crushes BUT they were married or aro#so i stopped my crush. so basically no crush on available for relationships peolle in half a decade. k feel broken#i looked up how to develop crushes today. google amd youtube apparently think its so rare to Not crush that theres no fucking advice#and then on top of it i have regular run of the mill anxiety. where i disassociate if im in public or around strangers.#which helps Me cope and i Feel great. as in not scared. but it means i dont talk well to strangers.#i try to. but i barely know what im saying and i dont see anyone i see them vaguely then block it out. and thats how i handle public.#and if i can manage to be present i need enough of a crowd i can hide. and if i see an attractive person i look away#cause i turn red and cant breathe. and im chicken i guess. so ur supposed to LOCK EYES with hot strangers and stare. but i need to PRACTICE#and then i also need to practice just. MAKING myself go places that make my anxiety shoot up horribly#and just sit and make myself stare at random peoplr and touch my skin and make myself endure being present.#then i have to do the same thing in public places i Like (which makes me more anxioud and in the past often resulted in panic attacks then#suicide attempts and self harm during said pamic attacks) so im not like super hype to endure that#and id rather endure it WHEN MY HEALTH IS SOLID ENOUGH I CAN EAT#because currently? me hungty? me in immense pain? even non anxiety inducing situatilns are shooting my stress level through the roof.#spilling coffee right now is making me feel like dying. just cayse im hungry and exhausted. i want to work up to 1. gi tract DIGESTING FOOD#PLEASE GOD SOON. 2. my back doesnt hurt so bad so i can STAND in public#3 stand in a nonthreatening public place like a bookstore or grocery store and stare at people#4 stand in nonthreatening place and stare at Hot people#5 attempt to enter a place in public i LIKE A LOT like a local hobby club. attempt for an hour if needed#call it a win if i make it to the doorway befote the panic attack hits. 6 attempt again at least standing IN FRONT of building 5 minutes#7 attempt again and maybr peak in and use bathroom so i can leave if im scared. 8 attempt again to enter building and maybe finally join#event i want to join. 8 attempt looking people in the eyes and remaining present at Location i like.#9 attempt looking pretty people In The Eye. 10 attempt saying hi i like your X#11 attempt conversation (if i got through all prior steps). which. this anxiety work could take 3-4 months minimum
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#man im really tired of having feelings for him. i should really just keep my distance and go back to dating apps#i long for the connection we have and hate having to build up something brand new#but im really tired of feeling butt hurt everytime he sleeps with our roommate#like yeah we broke up over a year ago. and still casually do shuff. its just hard for me to turn off that side of my brain#i just want to feel loved and be held by someone without having to build the foundation all over again#ive been depressed the past few days because of it. i act irrationally and cant control my feelings#overall its better if i just let them fuck around and i try to find someone new. only problem is im anxious and not a good conversationalist#plus i hate messaging people over phone. too much anxiety abt what im saying and if the other person enjoys me or not#anyways it sucks seeing the subtle evidence that they went at it while i was away. i have no right to be upset but i cant help but think of#him as more than a friend. i cant and shouldnt but we had dated 6 years previously. its a bit difficult to turn that switch off now#dammit i guess tonight im gonna sleep alone again and try not to cry. whatever gotta get over myself and move on. have to stop only thinking#of my self and being so damn possessive all the time#ash rambles#fuck i feel worse now after typing all that out yippee..
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
im going through hell right now
#i can hardly make myself even do things i like doing#let alone things i need to do#even eating is a struggle#because the effort of getting out of bed and getting food is too hard#and also i cant afford to just buy food because my family is poor as fuck right now#i spend hours just on tumblr or instagram or talking with friends while doing nothing constructive and then i feel exhausted and pass out#i need to do my taxes and i need to deal with work things or get a new job and i need to be an adult#but i cant even get myself to play my favorite video game im so down#the idea of even having to leave my house for four hours to work is too much#putting on pants is a lot of effort#and i cant apply for disability bc ive tried and it's so goddamn hard and they expect you to remember everything youve ever done#and every penny you've ever held#and god FORBID you have family or friends who have ever given you money to help you#its literally ridiculous#not to mention the state of my house is horrible bc my whole family is depressed#and i want to move so badly but i cant even afford the gas to get to my friends house even if i just loaded my car up and left#im struggling#my mom gets paid in 8 days and until then i have approximately 2 frozen meals and some pasta i can eat#everything else in my house i cant eat because of dietary restrictions and most of it is expired anyway
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
💭
#i need to rant so I’m going to do it in the tags#I went on spring break with a friend I made this past fall when I transferred to my current university#and we have known each other for quite a few months before we planned it and I thought it would be fun#but during the trip she was really mean to me#like making fun of me for anything being passive aggressive and just making me walk on egg shells the entire week#by the end I was gaslighting myself and just overall felt terrible#I saw her the week after we got back to get a purse I let her borrow but after that I did not see her at all#and she hasn't reached out to me#which is so weird bc before the trip we would hang out almost every day or every other day getting lunch together all the time etc#but I don't want to reach out to her at all but also im annoyed she isn't reaching out to me like I wasn't the one who was horrible#and the worst part is after the trip she was super nice again like right as we got off the train#and it is very clear she thinks everything is fine and nothing is wrong. that is to say she thinks what she did to me was not a problem#and it is so hard to be friends with her because how tf am I even supposed to be okay with her#but now I feel so lonely bc with my other friends I dont see them as much as I saw her so now I feel so alone and lonely#and I dont want to complain about this to my friend bc she heard enough about it already#but now I feel like im starting over bc I only have more casual friends now :((#ugh I feel like shit but it really annoys me that she isn't reaching out. I dont even want to see her I just want to be like#no I cant see you blah blah blah#yes that is childish no I do not care! bye
5 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
fjiucbjjn
Mistress Mary
mosaicsbrokenheart
swifties grab back!
beastoftheblackhole
It's Weird and Pissed Off
gwomusamane
Amazon-Associate
