#but i feel like on a deeper level he truly wanted to connect with mc

[fruifruit]

i can’t find a way to transform this into a comic right now but i truly believe “i don’t want to battle you anymore” is one of the worst things that mc can say to kieran

[flower-seeks-the-moon]

More Tarot Musings on Baxter Ward

Hi, it's been a while since I updated my fics or posted anything about Baxter Ward my beloved, but I come here today to give you this. If you've read my previous practice card reading for Baxter before and enjoyed it, I hope you'll also like this one!

Today, we're here to take a look at his tarot birth cards and the Fives of the Minor Arcana. Because 5 is a significant number to his character and his DLC - born on the fifth month, and the significant periods he met the MC having 5 years in between each of them.

I'll be using my The Philosopher's Tarot deck, but I'll also add the original RWS imagery to make it clearer what I'm referring to in some areas.

Part 1: The Birth Cards

This is an interesting topic on its own with a little numerology used to determine a person's birth cards, but essentially: your birth cards determine your life paths, who you may become as a person, and the lessons you will need to learn.

Baxter's birth cards (for 5/19/1997) are XIV: Temperance and V: The Hierophant.

Somehow, he truly can't escape having angelic imagery connecting to him one way or another.

So what do these cards mean for Baxter?

As a person, he is someone who is well-suited to leading others and taking charge of a situation in a socially graceful manner. Baxter can present himself as a reliable and welcoming man who has a good understanding of people. He's adaptable - when it comes to handling people and social situations, he's very willing to accommodate others and expand his horizons. If it means trying to understand someone on a deeper level, he is willing to do it so he doesn't hurt others and keeps them happy.

Strengths

+ mediation + flexibility + accommodation

Unfortunately, as indicated by both cards, with The Hierophant emphasizing adherence to the overall community's well-being and Temperance possibly indicating an inclination to people-please everyone and settle on a middle ground? Baxter runs the risk of spreading himself too thin and overextending himself. The two cards together paint a picture of someone who feels that their own needs and wants take a backseat to others'.

Another weakness is fearing the unknown, which aligns with one interpretation of The Hierophant as someone bound to dogma or tradition.

Weaknesses

- rigidity - self-sacrifice - fear of the unknown

Here's the interesting part: Temperance and The Hierophant contradict each other, as I have laid out so far. Did you notice that there's something odd about the strengths and weaknesses? How can flexibility and rigidity be a part of the same person? Open-mindedness with the fear of the unknown?

Temperance advocates compromise. It encourages meeting someone in the middle and experimentation, which brings forth new and unfamiliar things. Pair this with The Hierophant, which advocates sticking to old traditions and what's old and familiar to you, with an emphasis on order and structure, and you get a walking, talking contradiction.

Doesn't that suit Baxter Ward and his duality? A love for all things black and white, formality paired with a cocksure and cavalier way of going against tradition - being improper but polite.

Someone who's trying to freely express himself, who rebels against a hateful and dogmatic upbringing, but still finds himself bound by the chains of his upbringing. The way his parents have raised him continue to sabotage his life, and particularly his relationships, despite his desire to get to know and understand others.

The Baxter Ward we know and love.

Part 2: The Fifth Cards of the Minor Arcana

Five, ah, five. Five years after the first meeting at a Soiree. Five years after that summer in 2016, which changed him. Born on the fifth month of the year. And even one of his birth cards is the fifth card of the Major Arcana.

Let's get into it:

5 of Wands

The card of conflict and disruption, misunderstandings and confusion. It could mean either an internal struggle (vs oneself) or an external struggle (vs others).

internal conflict - He is his own greatest enemy, always in conflict about what his heart wants and what he thinks he deserves. He believes that MC's life is better off without him and simply can't comprehend the idea of someone wanting to stay with him and be a part of his life for who he is, and not what he provides. external conflict - Misunderstanding his own place in other people's lives, his friendship/relationship with the MC as the biggest example. It could also point to how he never quite gets along with people and his lack of friends despite his attempts to be congenial and flexible with everyone.

5 of Cups

The card of loss and grief, it's a simple read: someone who mourns what's lost and loses sight of what remains with him. Note how the figure never notices the two remaining cups behind them. For Baxter, he has always trained himself to mourn the loss of someone or something that hasn't yet left him. He thinks in terms of what he can lose instead of in terms of what he can keep and hold on to.

5 of Swords

The card of shortsightedness and intentional miscommunication. It calls out the selfishness of one who makes a decision for someone else without consulting them, taking their agency out of their own hands, or employs cruel tactics to communicate. What he did at the end of Step 3 was both cruel and shortsighted, taking away the MC's ability to decide for themselves by assuming their relationship will have a forgone conclusion he drew on his own.

5 of Pentacles

The card of uncertainty, insecurity, and struggling. This is also an interesting card since the Pentacles suit governs things material and financial. But it can also be connected to the home, career, and family. Narratively, it fits Baxter's character arc - he threw away the safety net of his parents' wealth plus all those connections they can give him. He wanted to be free and become a better person and gave up what he was born and accustomed to. This is how he finds his true companions, completing that part of his story.

Other Notes

So that's a wrap! I had this lying around in the drafts for a while after sharing a more disorganized ramble on Discord to my fellow Baxter-loving friends. @im-pure, this took a while but here it is LMAO. Thanks to everyone on the server for providing such an encouraging place to discuss this character <3

Disclaimer: This is just for fun and not to enforce or dictate a specific interpretation of this character on you, the reader's, personal headcanons, and conclusions. I'm not some sanctimonious prat who believes other fans' interpretations to be inferior to mine. That said, I hope this was interesting!

[mandysxmuses]

(( could you go more into the color symbolism of your Keeper characters? as in, why certain colors were chosen for them? ))

//OH BOI, absolutely

With Emma, the answer might be a little disappointing but it really was a matter of the stereotype of girls liking pink, there isn't really much deeper symbolism there. She just likes pink, just thinks it's neat, though as she got older she wore a bit more purples and was canonically wearing a lavender dress when she died

and the purple there had nothing deeper either she just. thought it was neat

That being said, her having ginger hair like Trost might be the best hit for symbolism since it could symbolize how he was the caretaker she was the closest to and the way they were both connected to the tragedy

and with most of the others, I can really put my tinfoil hat on and draw all the red lines. ... about characters I created.

Ok so Niemand/Tulpen's main color has always been yellow. As the certified main helper character -- wait crap

SORRY ALWAYS FORGET HOW TO SPELL THAT WORD. as the deuteragonist I wanted to make sure he had a bright, hopeful color associated with him and that it was unmistakable. From the very first concept he was supposed to be the one helping MC out of the bad scary place, so it was both important to have a color they could easily pick out in any environment while also not having it clash with my vision of who he is as a character.

And despite everything he is still one of the most innocent and childlike characters in the Void, which I think yellow is a great representation for, just childlike warmth and innocence

also

help. what did I do wrong

Jemand, similarly, is one of those characters I've had in mind from the very get-go so I've had a while to solidify his design and personality

Black-and-white is deeply embedded in the character. Even his spirit, which along with the others' is supposed to look like a cloud, still follows a strict checkered color-scheme and it's a cloud, boi is defying physics for his aesthetic and we should love that for him. We should be jealous, honestly, and feel bad about ourselves to not have that.

But not getting into how great he is and how awful we are, since he can do that himself...

Jemand is one of the only characters who can, and is the only one who DOES, choose to appear in grayscale. He can make his entire body look like it's showing up through a black and white filter, and while I don't bring it up often while writing him, he usually looks like that unless he's in an environment where that sort of thing would bring on too much confusion for his safety (ex. Earth).

And I think there is a strong symbolic importance to that.

It's important to note that during his performances and concerts, despite remaining in grayscale, Jemand's shows are some of the most dramatic and bombastic explosions of color you'll see. They are over-the-top and beautiful, and he really goes out of his way to make sure they're incredible to any audience.

But there is something deeper to those performances. Anyone close enough to Jemand will have him admit at some point that despite the parties and shows, he feels empty. He not only feels like people only appreciate him if they see something so surface-level, but that's all they CAN do because who he actually is would be so unlikable they'd leave if he showed anything real.

And while that's already complicated, and while it would be understandable since Jemand truly has done some horrific things, these sorts of feelings have been stewing even since Emma was alive. It's something that goes to the core of his character.

But that's another thing the black-and-white can symbolize.. it's technically a form of deception. If there's one thing about Jemand, it's that he constantly lies. He can do so effortlessly and without even thinking about it. He paints a black-and-white view of the world where he's an innocent who can do no wrong and everyone else is the bad guy, and sometimes he lies when there isn't even any need to do so for his own self-preservation. I think the checkered motif can symbolize a blinkered view on behalf of whoever only has his deceptive words to go by.

And while I did want to do this in chronological order, just for Renee I'll break the pattern like she breaks spines, because the black-and-white motif also carries over to her, and for a similar reason.

I mean obviously she's not a shameless liar but she does have an extremely black-and-white sort of way of thinking. "You are a bad person, you are a good person", etc. etc. she thinks in strict dichotomies, no nuance. And while it is very understandable with what she's been through, this "one side or the other" perspective is preventing the recovery of the boys she claims to want. Similarly to Jemand, she'll think of any and every of her own actions in the most charitable light possible, and try to justify any and every abuse to the people she hates.

... I guess I don't need to explain the symbolism of her other main color being red mksaldmd

BUT SHE DOES ALSO HAVE GOLD, she both wears gold jewelry and her office building has some gold highlights inside

Which I think could symbolize her somewhat holy/religious nature, being literally empowered by the spirits of dead humans

ALRIGHT BACK TO TRYING TO DO THIS CHRONOLOGICALLY

(lmao I messed it up from the get-go by putting Niemand before Jemand)

Laut's color is purple, and this is typically a color symbolic of royalty and wealth and... well. Laut is the only one who puts any form of emphasis on wealth and even exhibits some forms of classism (and the only reason this DOESN'T make him look like a complete tool is because he doesn't actually know what wealth or an economy even is or anything)

But yes, he is a very pompous uppity "high class" man, who wants to present himself with an air of regal superiority, so purple really suits him

and he wears a purple SUIT hahaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

TODDIIIEEEEEEE

(ngl I think it's funny how that literally started as Schatz's nickname for him that he hates, and then some of his ships were like "I'm gonna call u that" and he's like "omg I love that name..........")

anywho

while Toddie's bright orange hair is the first thing most people would notice about him, he kind of has the most basic look of everyone of the Void, just dressing in brown sweats and sometimes not even wearing shoes

And while the orange could be said to have symbolic meanings to his character and is technically his "main" color, the brown, to me, holds a lot more to him. It's a color that doesn't match his spirit yet he chooses to wear it.

He deliberately goes without bathing or other forms of hygiene as a form of self-harm. He doesn't want to be friendly, he doesn't want people near him. He wants (or at least thinks he wants) to be repulsive.

But given that orange is a color that has symbolized warm feelings and optimism and happiness, I do think that does hold some truth to who Todd was, and who he could still be even if he's convinced he can't

and while there technically are a lot more characters I could get into the weeds on this is actually already getting really long so

I PROMISE I'LL GIVE A PART 2

[actualbird]

Oh god!

I really love the poly headcanons they are so sweet.... (or don't but that's part of it and i think the tot boys+MC deserve all the love the world has to give).

But, liking it or not, our 4 beloved boys are kinda complicated (that's what makes them perfect). Plus I never thought about how people get in poly relationships. So i was thinking, how do you think they all get into a polyrelationship together?

(I really have no idea of how that would happen)

hi, two anons!! im glad you guys liked my nxx team polycule stuff!! i'll answer these in one go, my "headcanon" (in quotes because i think this kinda turned into a character analysis/minific of sorts HAHA) being what first anon asked, How They Get Together.

heads up, wc of this is 1.9k words long so buckle up for a bit of a read jfsjdfkjbf

because first anon, youre right!!! the boys are stupendously complicated which i love so so much but canon has also shown us clearly that each of the boys' quirks and habits and tendencies causes a lot of (mostly played for laughs) friction. the bickering, the backhanded insults, the "im the best one here" preening contests. theyre all SOOOO RIDICULOUS and it is hilarious but yep! the boys r complex!! and that means this beautiful ship, imo, has a lot of phases to get to the actual romantic relationship bit.

how they get together, in my opinion, starts because of mc.

not in the sense that she matchmakes them all, but like.

phase 1 of the nxx team polycule is this:

through being in love with her (which we all know the boys 100% are), each of the boys come to terms with their own flaws and weaknesses. it's very apparent to me in all the story thus far that these boys are flawed as hell, it's very compelling but even more compelling to me is how all of them also do intense mental gymnastics to Not Confront Those Flaws. like, marius is a dickbag always teasing and toeing the line of insincerity, vyn is a controlling mf who always tries to sway situations to his benefit, artem is so repressed to the point that he has genuine trouble with emotions, luke is a self sacrificial bastard and also a huge hypocrite about how no, actually, hes the only one that should be hiding his pain and being dishonest, no dishonesty from other people!! in the beginning of the story, all the boys have their flaws and seem to have just kinda...not addressed how those flaws are harming them and the people around them.

and then mc rolls around and they all fall in love with her. and she sees those flaws and she doesnt let them slide. she challenges the boys in her own ways to see another side of the situation, to acknowledge what theyre doing. she doesnt want to get rid of flaws, thats impossible and also not cool. she just has this beautiful hope for like, all of humanity, that goodness can prevail with the right work. so when she sees her beloved nxx boys, she believes that for them as well.

which leads to phase 2 of the nxx team polycule:

the boys, more aware of themselves, become more aware of each other.

they werent Unaware of the others of course. it's just that they didnt like...truly connect on a personal level just yet. they saw the other teammembers with their emotional armor and flaws and saw a wall that wasnt worth looking past.

but after mc makes them realize that hey, flaws arent the end of the world actually, it's alright and the person behind them may just be worth it, the boys like. end up understanding the others. A LOT OF THIS BIT IS UNINTENTIONAL, ON THEIR PARTS KJDSBFS. like they stumble into understanding each other by accident, they didnt plan it, but over the course of nxx investigations, it's inevitable that they end up seeing the depths of the others. i delve into this a little bit in my fanfic "filler eps of the lost gold" where the boys are just going thru their actions and then trip over another boy's fears or desires and through that, gain a deeper understanding mutually.

and with understanding, sometimes, comes trust.

phase 3 of the nxx team polycule goes like this:

everybody in this team, whether they like it or not, whether they know it or not, has a heart that wants to give love so desperately.

marius lives in a world full of snakes so he cant have his heart on his sleeve for his own protection. vyn wants to be seen as perfect and the heart is inherently messy so he holds it back. artem for a very very long time was focused on work and success and achievement that he neglected his heart. and luke has been giving love all his life in a sense but in a way thats hidden.

all these tendencies that are brought upon their life circumstances results in this: they want to love honestly but they havent been able to do this

until mc. and all of them want to push back whatever fears or patterns their life has instilled in them because they see her and see somebody so unwaveringly good that all their hearts begin giving love to her to make her happy and to make themselves happy as well.

but heres the thing. the boys dont just see mc. by this point, they have connected and understood and come to trust each other as well, and the consequence of that is that They Can See Each Other Now Too, Truly.

and heres the thing. all of the boys are unwaveringly good as well.

one by one, each of the boys realize that what they feel for the other boys in the team starts to...change. yeah theyre all friends, they pick on each other a lot of the time, but the bedrock of the relationship is solid and strong now. but when marius is with luke, marius sees a light inside of luke so bright that he seems unaware that he gives off. when artem is with vyn, artem sees a goodness inside of vyn that hesitates to make itself obvious and known because vyn is scared of getting hurt thanks to it. all of them see the other and their goodness and, unbidden, their hearts want to give love to each other as well.

and because theyre all a bit stupid in their own way theyre like, huh, weird! wonder why this feeling is so familiar! and yet i cant seem to name it...and then they all independently compare these feeling with the feelings they have for mc, a feeling they do know the name of, and theyre like.

WAIT.

THESE FEELINGS ARE...VERY BASICALLY EXACTLY WHAT I FEEL FOR MC.

which only means one thing: theyve fallen in love with everybody else

marius: //goes to his studio to Think and sees that a bunch of his recent art actually had little crumbs of these feelings already, etched into the brushstrokes and scenes. has an emotional crisis about it

vyn: //records a 1 hour long entry in his audio diary to examine and gain control of his feelings but by the end of the hour all he knows is that he wants to hold these people and be held by them

artem: //quite literally just bluescreens, artem.exe has stopped working, sits at his study and slowly, slowly, thunks his head down onto his desk, valiantly trying to ignore the fast pulse of his heart

luke: //manically vents about it to peanut who, by virtue of being a bird, doesnt get it. just keeps talking at peanut to get a grasp of it all and then lies down on the floor, overwhelmed

mc, sitting in her apartment watching some netflix: ...why do i inexplicably feel as if something very, very important has just happened?

phase 4 of the nxx team polycule is basically:

pining: extreme difficulty level

because pining is already hard when ur pining for one person. what more for an additional 3 more people. and those additional 3 more people are pining back.

and all these boys are SOOOO OBVIOUS with their romantic feelings, in their own special way. the way they show their affection to mc starts to bleed into their interactions with the others and everybody can CLEARLY SEE WHAT IS GOING ON, LOL, but also all the boys are too chickenshit to confront it, because if they confront it, what will even happen??? being in love with each other, all of them, thats going to be such a complicated fucking relationship, holy shit. it's 2030, yeah, being a polyamorous group relationship isnt completely unheard of, but sue them, theyre scared.

but mc (who i forgot to mention already knows of the boys' romantic feelings for her, shes just hasnt made a move yet on any of them because SHES IN LOVE WITH ALL OF THEM AS WELL and shes been trying to figure out how the hell to make that work, she cant bear to choose just one of them, she'd be heartbroken over leaving the rest of them behind) sees that the nxx investigation team is now all pining for each other FULLY and she kinda wants to laugh when she realizes whats going on because like, what are the chances? that this would happen? that they all found each other and their feelings fell into just the right place for nobody to be left behind?

theyre all scared, she can tell. and she is as well, she wont lie.

but shes always had a belief that goodness can prevail with the right work.

and love is one of the greatest goods out there.

phase 5 of the nxx team polycule:

It's Time For Communication, Baby!!!!!

the exact scenes of how this happens is a bit vague to me. it could go two ways: mc going to each of the boys independently to talk about feelings, hers about everybodys and his about everybodys as well. OR they have a fucking meeting about it all together and artem literally schedules it in his google calendar, or something.

either way, they like, actually talk about this. starts casual, maybe over a chill date, maybe over dinner at a nice restaurant, maybe over a walk in the park as the sun is starting to set. but where ever it happens, the end result is the same: a heart is laid out bare and it is taken in gentle, grateful hands.

marius: OKAY, NOW THAT THE FEELINGS ARE OUT OF THE WAY, CAN I PLEASE KISS ONE OR ALL OF YOU, PLEASE, IVE BEEN WANTING TO KISS U GUYS FOR FOREVER

vyn, laughing fondly: has anybody ever told you patience is a virtue? we quite literally just talked it all out.

marius: //needy whining noises

artem, embarrassed: ive...never kissed anybody before

luke, embarrassed but trying to play it Cool: ....same here

mc: kissing is great, you two will love it!

marius: awesome, awesome, so is ANYBODY going to give me a go ahead or WHAT????

phase 6 of the nxx team polycule:

i dont want to say it's happily ever after, once they all get together. thats not really realistic.

they all have their quirks and tendencies and habits. and those will inevitable clash against each other. theyll have their arguments, theyll get upset, theyll sulk and be angry, sometimes. but also...

theyll see each other smile and feel like their love shining so brightly. theyll reach out for another's hand and be held in such a way that makes them think that their heart is in a safe place. theyll love each other and theyll put in the work to continue loving each other. because goodness will prevail.

and they all see each other as the most good people in the world.

so whatever happens, theyll get through it together.

[twiceasfrustrating]

before requesting this I would like to say I do not condone any of the actions here, this is simply meant for entertainment purposes.

since your requests are open,could I request a yandere! MC scenario?

I've seen many yandere scenarios of the brothers and side characters but not of MC.

Suppose MC uses their pacts in order to get what they want from the brothers.

Ofcourse if you're not comfortable writing this you can rightfully ignore.

Rating: Mature

Archive Warning: Graphic depictions of violence

Category: Gen

Fandom: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!

Characters: Mammon, Satan, Main Character

Additional Tags: yandere!MC, torture, abuse of power, nail removal, GN!MC (you/your)

Summary: MC just wants to be friends with all of their demons, but Satan doesn't think you can be friends with a difference in power dynamics.

A/N: You never need to tell me you do not condone something. In this house we believe in the separation of fiction and reality. Also, that fanfic is a good and healthy way to explore things (positive and/or negative).

Now sure if this is what you had in mind, but I like experimenting with my yanderes and the way the game canonically treat MC is... a little flighty sometimes.

Word Count: 1106

“Please, Mammon,” they brush a strand of hair aside and look up at him with pleading eyes and a slightly askew smile, “You’ll help me out won’t you? You’d be my hero if you did.”

“O-Of course I’ll help ya out,” he stammered out, trying not to meet their large, bright eyes.

“Really?” They cheer as they throw their arms around him, “You’re the best, Mams. What would I ever do without you?”

“Yer just lucky I’m so nice.”

“I really am. Thank you, Mammon.” And with a kiss to his cheek, his loyalty was all but sealed. He couldn’t help but stare as they practically skipped away from him.

“They’re playing you like a fiddle.” Satan chimed in, not even bothering to look up from his book.

“Eh? What’cha talin’ about?”

“You gave in so easily and all they had to do was butter you up a little.”

“Whaaaat? No. That’s just what friends do,” he claimed as a deep blush spread across his face.

“Friends? You know that, no matter how much you trust them, you can’t be friends with someone that holds your pact. They will always be your master.”

“Whatever.” Mammon huffed before getting frustrated and walking away.

Satan only sighed. It seemed he’d ruined the mood. Perhaps it was better to go back to his room and read instead.

~~~

“Satan?” They peaked their head into his room, not bothering to knock, “Can we talk?”

He looked up from his book only to see them welcoming themselves in and closing the door behind them, “I suppose, since you seem so desperate to.”

“Well, I heard what you said to Mammon earlier… Do you not think we’re friends?” After everything they’d been through with him, they thought their relationship meant something.

“You’re overthinking it.” He set his book down, “It’s just that people with such a difference in power dynamics can never really be friends. You will always stand above me with our current relationship.”

“But that’s not how I feel…”

“But it is what it is. No one is saying it is a bad thing.”

They paused for a moment, “Can we be friends?”

He sighed, “I just told you that we can’t ever truly be friends.”

“But that’s what I want, Satan.” What did they have to do to be friends with Satan? Something that proved they could connect on a deeper level… then they saw his pile of books and they understood a way to bond with him.

“You really don’t get it. Sorry, but could you leave for n-”

“Stay.” As soon as the command was out of their mouth, he was frozen in place.

“What are yo-”

“You like these books, right? Let’s find something we can do together.” They looked through his stacks of books, knowing that they had seen him reading a really interesting one the other day. Carefully, their finger passed over the binding of each spine before they finally stopped and giggled with glee, “I found it!” They removed the book from the stack and showed it to Satan with an elated smile, “Tell me, is this a good read?”

His eyes lingered a little too long on the front cover of the book before he managed to swallow the lump in his throat. If they thought they could scare him, it wouldn’t work, “You don’t have the stomach for that kind of thing. You get squeamish when stepping on a bug.” It was one of his books on torture.

“You’re right,” they said as they flipped open to a random page, “I don’t like hurting people, but I don’t have to do anything.” They pulled down the edge of their shirt, flashing their pact mark at him, “Or did you already forget how you got here?”

He stared them down, calling out their bluff.

They looked back at him, eyes perfectly void of all feeling, “I want us to get along, Satan. You’re the only one that doesn’t seem to want to be my friend and it hurts my feelings. If I have to take an interest in your hobbies, I will. We can bond over them.”

They looked down at the page and grimaced, “How barbaric! But if this is what you’re into… Satan, change into your demon form for me please.”

As if he had a choice. They were pulling on the pact they had with him and forcing him to change. Still, he continued to look at them in disgust. He was almost insulted when they came up to him and reached for his hand, examining his finger closely.

They looked down at the book again before nodding and pressing backward on one of them, “Can you please put the tip of your tail right here?”

Once again, he had no choice. Although, even he could tell that his heart was speeding up in his chest. They were taking this too far to be a simple joke.

“Satan, are we friends now?” They asked with a curious tone.

He would spit on them if he could, “Until the sun sets.”

“There is no sun in the Devildom?”

“That’s my point.”

“Oh,” Their expression shifted to one of hurt, “I understand. Well then, would you please apply a little force?”

He braced himself as his tail settled between his finger and nail and began to slowly creep forward. The thin end fit with some difficulty, but it worked. It was as the width of his tail started to get slightly fatter that it really started to hurt. The leverage of his tail slipping further in bent his nail backward. There was blood where it began to pull and separate from the skin, eventually only being held on by a small section of the root. The entire time, he bit his lip to keep from screaming and showing how much he was affected.

“Stop.” They commanded and he nearly sighed in relief, “You’re bleeding.”

No fucking duh.

“Let me help you.” They grabbed at the hem of their shirt and tore the fabric to separate a thin strip that they then wrapped around his finger, “Does it hurt?”

“Let’s do it to you and find out.” He smiled at them in a barely veiled threat, one that changed into a wince as they pressed down on the fabric where his nail was now missing.

“It’s not nice to threaten people, Satan. I was just making sure you were okay.” They laid their hands on either side of his face, shifting so they could press their forehead against his own, “I want us to be friends rather than just pactmates. Don’t you agree?”

[rozenwaffle]

ERROR 606: STATUS_PLUGPLAY_NO_DEVICE

In the interval of 23:30 of the 8th day and 2:46 of the 9th day of the 707Route, MC has a moment for herself and thinks about what distresses the boy she loves so much and whom she sees suffering for all the events that happen in his life, again and again.

That moment, which could be decisive in her story, is where she decides to take a step forward towards a Good Ending.

It's been eight days of getting to know you, sharing many things in common: the same foods and treats, the way you dream up the stars, the fascination with robotics, the amazement of mechanical engineering, and the love of cats as playmates. You taught me that you can smile even with pain, that sometimes helping your friends is a way to help yourself, that you can always give yourself a little more for the people you love, and that, even if you do not always recognize your good deeds, the people who really love you value your effort.

For four days I was a stranger who fell in love with your jokes and cooperated in the traps of your friends, three more to fight your doubts and express how much I liked you and how much I wanted to meet you in person, with the camera in front of the apartment door insufficient contact for me. You did not always accept my calls. I was aware that your work is exhausting. I did not understand why your maid was so hard on you but listening to your voice fuel the confinement in that unknown apartment. Your stories were amazing, and I always wanted to know more; seeing your creations was exorbitant because I never met someone so creative and intelligent; seeing your outfits filled me with joy and admiration as your beauty could be appreciated in many different ways.

And suddenly, something began to change...

On the fifth day, your insinuations were constant: that relating to you was dangerous, that you never have to ask about the past of a hacker, that you couldn't take a relationship to the level you wanted. None of that really mattered, I wanted to know about you: how is your workplace, if your resting place is really comfortable if you ate appropriately beside the HBC or Dr. Pepper, why does your maid scold you so much, and maybe... defend and support you, as you have done for me since I got to know the RFA. Your constant concern for me grieved me, my helplessness of not being able to help you, and taking away the stress that my protection overloaded in you distressed me. I could only help from the corridor, encouraging you, sensing you.

On the seventh day, we met... in a quite peculiar family reunion. The situation was bigger than just my feelings for you; the past haunted you in the form of an even darker shadow than you wanted to become so that your other half would always live in the light, the weight of your actions, and your sense of futility towards they collapsed you, added to the pressure of an even more dangerous persecutor. I saw you fall deeper and deeper, and you did not take my hand; I heard the hiss of your quick typing next to your whispers in code, and my voice could never reach you; I tried to approach you being your support so that you did not worry about minor tasks and you were comfortable. Still, it seems that I could only bother you to the point that on repeated occasions, the laughter that I expected so much to hear from your lips was subjugated by the screams you uttered when it seemed uncomfortable.

Yesterday, the eighth day, I crossed the line unintentionally, not the one you suggested to draw on the floor but to interfere in your past to better understand the pain you were going through: the betrayal of your hero, the lie of your protector, the ambition of your father, the torture of your mother, the hope of recovering your brother, the intimidation that the agency imposed on you to persecute you and the suffering that the conjunction of all this caused in you by denying the cheerful character who was talking with me for the flat. You said 'HE' was an invention, that 'YOU' is the true one, that it was my fault to let myself be deceived, that from the beginning my input was wrong, that my feelings for you did not matter since, sooner or later, you would disappear from my life... and as for getting used to your absence, you crossed the door this night.

While I wait for you, I remembered everything that had happened. It's true, I was a fool to enter the apartment of a stranger, but my intention was to help, and I was alert too. I am a fairly normal person compared to the genius you are; I never suspected that returning a cell phone to its owner would connect me to such great danger, and, nevertheless, I am still grateful for it. I assure you that you know a lot about me and that all this is something that anyone could know if they search properly because, like you, we all have a past that persecutes us. Probably yours is much more powerful than mine, but you must know better than me that "God only places on our back the burden that we can bear," and makes me love you more.

You are so strong that you do not realize that the little one is still screaming to help you; it helps you to guide you so that you do not get out of the goal you planned, it encourages you to follow it trying, and you do it unconsciously; You wanted to be a flame that did not become extinct by changing your name, and you have become my light, you ignited a passion in me that I had never felt and the desire to give everything for the one I love; you wanted to preserve your purity by cloaking yourself so as not to be discovered by corrupt hands. Still, you let me find you, observe you and analyze you; even if you are a jewel in the rough, you are worth more than a celestial vault. You are a genuine engineer for activating the mechanism of my heart and creating a value code... without touching me.

I know you are avoiding me to harm me less than you have done because... yes, you break my heart with every word that comes out of your mouth. Still, I know that you are looking to continue protecting me. You are more hurt because you deny accepting something you can have, afraid of reaching happiness without believing that you truly deserve it, self-punish yourself by repressing yourself when you have worked so hard.

Some say that Lucifer's wings are bathed in tar and burned by God's will; I believe that you have been plucking yours whenever you feel you will be happy. In that case, I will give you a hand to get up no matter what you have done in the past; I will be your support when the obstacles of your past make you stumble in your way, I will sing about trips to heaven when despair comes out of your mouth, I will pick up your feathers to put them back, I will hold your wings when you try to take off, and when you raise the flight I will run to you and follow you in case you need help again because I will be your guard.

I heard your voice... and I was afraid you would say 'goodbye' to me. You talk about how bright I am, how much we are different, about your darkness and your despair. You think that you have disappointed me of the imminent danger. Even if you hurt me, how strange I am to love you, tomorrow will be the same. Then you retract, saying that the stranger is you... and that you expect me to accept you as you really are.

In my dreams, you speak of yours, of how you will disappear with them, and of your fear of hurting me.

Tomorrow I will cling to you, I will make you feel that I will never abandon you and that I love every layer of your being... And if my feelings still do not reach you, I will try again, and again... until our feelings are properly connected.

Originally in Wattpad:

[katyichigo]

My little review of Banana Fish

a poetic and absolutely heartbreaking masterpiece.

After watching the whole season, and reading two extra chapters that give us some kind of closure about what happened years later , and while listening to the so amazing Endings “Prayer X” and “Red” while crying my eyes out, I couldn’t not share my thoughts about all the different kind of emotions this manga made me feel. (in this review I will solely focus on Eiji and Ash's relationship)

 So the story starts as we delve into the lives of Ash and Eiji, two guys who are the complete opposite of one another, one being an emotionally broken american guy, and the head of some gang in NY, and the other an innocent warm and kind japanese guy, living a completely normal life. Together they will try to uncover the secrets of that drug called “banana fish” used to brainwash and control its victims, and try to stop its traffic.

The anime being well paced, with a good bunch of interesting characters, good OSTs, quickly grabs the viewer’s interest, as we can see both MC bonding together, experiencing something new, finding a new purpose to their lives, thing they had lost over the years: Ash being an unloved killing puppet and a sex toy to Golzine, and Eiji who wasn’t able to do pole vaulting again due to his injury, but found in Ash a reason to fight, the one for whom he would take risks and trust his life in.

 Ash and Eiji’s relationship is interesting in many points. At first, when we generally seach about the manga, what comes the most is “shounen Ai”, so I was expecting to see that...when in the end, it wasn’t really the case. Nothing romantically ever happenned between them, and they bonded on a deeper level. It’s no mere love story, or friendship. They call each other “friend” or “greatest of friend” throughout the whole story, but I think the one who explained their relationship the best, was Sing in the extra chapter “Garden of The light”, when Akira asks him if Ash and Eiji were lovers, he replied:

“connected to each other, soul to soul” (Well, we could easily say they were soulmates) 

 At the beginning of the story, we can notice how easily they connected; Eiji didn’t show any trace of fear when meeting Ash, which was surprising for the latter. He immediately noticed how pure and innocent Eiji was, almost like a child,-when Eiji was somewhat older than Ash, even if he didn’t look like it.

I like to think that Eiji represented Ash’s lost innocence (when he was 8), and that he wanted to protect it at all costs. Ash didn’t want Eiji’s soul to be stained by killing people or even holding a gun, and after Eiji ended up being involved with Ash’s cruel and deadly world, he couldn’t prevent it anymore, and got obsessed with protecting him, thus turning Eiji into Ash’s Achilles heel.

As for Eiji, Ash represented all he ever wished to be: a charismatic, confident and fearless guy. He was able to defy people, to survive painful injuries, while Eiji felt like a burden to him at times, making a bunch of mistakes and unable to endure the same things.

But despite all that, Eiji was the only one who could see Ash’s true pain and suffering, and the only one who could appease it with his warmth and care. So that led to Ash experiencing for the first time the greatest feeling: to love and be loved. To find someone who truly cared about him as a person, who viewed past his flaws, his past and his sins. 

I could write for hours about how their relationship was the best part of the anime, how well developped it was,...How Ash went from the untrusting, cold guy to a man who found a new hope and purpose for his life, and most importantly: freedom and happiness. 

I’ve watched a few animes since 2020 has started, and this one, sure did left a big mark on my heart, alongside “Devilman crybaby”, “91 days” and “Neon genesis evangelion” of course. 

[pleasefeedthebirds]

A Relatively Deep Dive Into My “Crème de la Crème” MCs - #1. Mavis Linnet

(From the astonishingly crisp interactive fiction by @hpowellsmith! ...It’s not weird to tag, right?)

Mavis “Miss Linnet” Mallee-Linnet

she/her/hers

Light brown complexion and loosely curled brown hair

Favors conventionally masculine fashion 

Accommodating

Manipulative

Traditional

Exceptional Poise

Noteworthy Wit and Intrigue

Commonplace Spirit

Unremarkable Flair

LOADS more info and spoiler content under the cut!

I envision Mavis as having grown up in a wealthy household, where she was still raised reasonably well about the importance of non-profligate spending. Her parents both taught at Olmstead’s Valley School, where she was in attendance for the bulk of her college-age years. Sailing was manageablely smooth. Mavis got along well in her studies, had time for both dressage and lacrosse, and—for her genuine interest in the subject matter—made it on the good side of many educators there (albeit not as often her fellow students, being for all the world their definition of a teacher’s pet!).

Her life took an abrupt shift in its trajectory when Mr. Mallee, her father, had a shameful affair come to light. Their rural community was small enough that such a thing made waves. Her other father, Mr. Linnet, sent Mavis off to Gallatin with the still-favorable Linnet name, and spent a pretty penny to do so. Primarily, he did this to save her from suffering by association, and was very vocal about these intentions. He’s definitely also relying on her to save their social standing, and despite the point being markedly unspoken, Mavis quietly understands.

So, Mavis feels an immense pressure to make the most of her time at Gallatin. She tries to conform unfalteringly to the school’s every long-winded social expectation, which exhausts her utterly. However, by her proficiency in book research, and her sincere knack for studying people, she has grown excellent at “playing the game” in high society. 

More than ever, Mavis is dedicated to her studies at Gallatin, even when the prescribed syllabus is less than stimulating. She keeps her head down so to never risk rocking the boat. This mode of being doesn’t make her happy per say, but the Gallatin atmosphere has her shoehorned into believing there’s no feasible alternative. She’s cognizant of surface level flaws in the system, but plays along because she thinks she has to. After all, it’s her way out of rural smallmindedness and into an academic world. That said, things certainly can change, particularly when one can’t help but notice atrocities being committed against literal children!

5’10”, with broad shoulders but slender hips. Her body makes an upside-down triangle shape.

Prone to acne, her skincare routines are extensive, and she’s usually up at the crack of dawn every day to get her proverbial ducks in a row.

Her hair is thinner than it looks, and she takes especial care when rationing it about her scalp. She feels vulnerable with it all the way down, so favors hair styles with low centers, such as looped pigtails, a nape bun, or double braids. Also labors to hide her considerable widow’s peak.

A heavy tea drinker. For all of her wits, she doesn’t realize that her mug o’ choice (earl grey) is highly caffeinated. She slugs the stuff down each day without ever realizing, because it “makes her feel better” about mornings.

Though it’s hardly polite, she LOVES gossip, and writes down every secret she hears as her guiltiest pleasure.

Miss Dalca and Mr. Griffith both make her uncomfortable—the former for her extreme progressiveness, and the latter for his gruff demeanor. Mr. Blanchard is her favorite teacher, and I bet she’s accidentally cried in his presence before. She’s scared of Lady Renaldt, and makes herself known to the headmaster only out of necessity.

Virtue: 91%

Popularity: 75%

Coursework Grade: A

Exam Mark: A+

Extracurricular(s): Birchmeier Society and the Gallatin Swans (goalkeeper)

*[Though not doable ingame, I like to think that she overloaded her schedule and dropped the Swans halfway through the semester. Mavis is never the type to drop anything, so having to take that step back was a double-edged blow to her confidence, in addition to being a sheer relief on her stress levels. Since the Birchmeier Society was where her heart truly lay, she managed to build herself back up there with Freddie’s support.]

Entanglements: Romantically engaged to Freddie.

Besties and then some with Freddie. They’re both hardworking scholars with each their own zest for learning, and by preparing for classes, exams, and Birchmeier Society biz in the same shared spaces, Mavis spent disproportionately more time with her than with anyone else. Freddie encouraged Mavis to be a bit less hard on herself, and was brave enough to stand up to her whenever Mavis’s fatigue was turning her curmudgeonly. Mavis helped get Freddie out of her own head on multiple occasions, taught her to break the most overwhelming situations down to deal with day-by-day, and bolstered her confidence anytime it faltered in the face of the Gallatin sphere. The engagement was Mavis’s idea, which she accidentally blurted out in a rare impulsive burst of feeling. After processing the implications, she was ashamed to have second thoughts upon remembering Freddie’s financial situation. It seemed for a while that the engagement was off, following a hard conversation that soured their relationship for awhile. I don’t think Freddie would easily bounce back after having her family standing scrutinized. However, the mine plot—when Mavis had to ultimately turn her back on everything she’d built at Gallatin—spurred character development enough that Freddie deemed her worthy of a second chance.

Friends with Gonzalez, who couldn’t help but respect that Mavis was competent in lacrosse, academically accomplished, and generally pretty nice to people. I don’t think she realizes that Mavis keeps a stiff mask. Mavis found Gonzalez refreshing, albeit off-puttingly honest, and couldn’t find a way to fault her spirited nature. I can’t imagine them engaging much off of the field (i.e. post Mavis quitting the team), but the two were mutually supportive in their interactions, even if Mavis was probably repressing some criticisms of Gonzalez’s fast and loose attitude all the while.

Friends with Max after he tutored her in flair, per Lady Renaldt’s instruction, via a sick dance sesh. I like to imagine him groaning about the task, assuming that Mavis would be a hopeless case, and then being pleasantly surprised at the fact that she can absolutely hit it (even just in the name of compliance with authority). He tried to make a move on her and was politely rejected. I think he supports the idea of her at a distance after recognizing that she’s not trying to breathe down anyone’s neck, and really is a kind, tired gal being squeezed dry by the system.

Friends with Hartmann, who was initially confused about which “side” Mavis was on in her prefectural feud with Max (Mavis shushed him at the opening commencement, which she liked, yet supported Max when he dipped out the common room window). They came to understand each other in the later game, bonding over how ill-affected they both are by the pressures of their respective positions. They don’t “hang out” much, but a couple of key deep conversations put each in the other’s good books.

Pleasant acquaintances with Karson. Mavis rarely went out of her way to talk to them, but whenever they crossed paths, she was good to Karson, and sympathized (albeit at a respectable distance) with their situation as a servant. When trouble in the mines was first coming to light, Mavis got sniffing, and sussed out enough clues that Karson eventually passed Blaise’s note on to her directly, trusting her moral compass enough to do so.

Unpleasant acquaintances with Delacroix. His unconventional take on life, passion for the intangible, and apathy towards collegiate procedure all make her uneasy. In his own right, Delacroix probably takes her for a stuffy, self-centered dud, which after all the times she’s reflexively shut his occult talk down, is pretty fair.

Acquaintances with Blaise. Mavis made nice in the early game because she had to, and was secretly relieved when she “resigned.” This was short lived, and turned into a misplaced sense of guilt after what actually happened to Blaise came to light. Mavis didn’t end up in the mines herself, but she did everything she could to help her, Miss Dalca, and eventually Gonzalez escape. When all was said and done, Blaise still made Mavis uncomfortable, and she let her be to get on with her life.

Approached Rosario at the punch table in an attempt to court the princess in the room… absolutely blew it. Ended up tripping over her own tongue when she realized that the heir is not so predictably wooed by traditional measures as originally anticipated. I like to think of that moment as a point of deeper connection for Mavis and Freddie, where both were totally overwhelmed by the noble sphere at Archambault and turned to each other for comfort. Otherwise, Rosario was a Rosari-no for Mavis.

Was weirded out by Auguste. Mavis fears any authority figures who don’t like her right away, and they’re too close to the ever-frigid Lady Renaldt for her comfort. She did totally trash them (benevolently) at dressage on sports day, though.

Gave Florin the widest possible berth. Mavis wanted nothing to do with that kind of scandal, but definitely found her shallowly cute. 

Some Choice Plot Pieces (cue spoilers):

Gathered evidence against Miss Dalca in compliance with Lady Renaldt.

Had an adequate working relationship with Miss Benton.

Gathered information for Annick against Lady Renaldt.

Endgame (cue SUPER spoilers):

Worked in secret against Lady Renaldt.

Sent Gonzalez to the mines, but most everyone got out (I believe Miss Dalca died?!).

Settled things quietly with Kathrili Burgin.

Went on to study at Gessner.

Joined Freddie for the summer.

[nad-zeta]

Oda Forces MBTI

Okay, so I am a secret MBTI fan, so I haven't found many done on Ikesen, so I decided to do my own.❤🌷

So for those who don't know Myers Briggs Type Indicator is a personality categorizer that splits humanity into 16 "freakishly accurate" groups. So I used https://www.16personalities.com as my info source! So without further ado...

Oda Nobunaga - ENTJ Commander 

"Commanders are natural-born leaders. People with this personality type embody the gifts of charisma and confidence and project authority in a way that draws crowds together behind a common goal. However, Commanders are also characterized by an often ruthless level of rationality, using their drive, determination, and sharp minds to achieve whatever end they've set for themselves".

So, I can definitely see the very charismatic confident and freakishly intelligent Nobu fitting this perfectly. It's no secret that Nobu has a certain charm that draws people in to back his goals and ambitions. As for ruthless, there must be a reason Kennyo and Shingen see him as a ruthless tyrant yikes.

So, here are his ideal compatible matches:

INTP, ISTP, and INFP

Mitsuhide Akechi - ENTP Debater 

"No one loves the process of mental sparring more than the Debater personality type, and it gives them a chance to exercise their effortlessly quick wit, broad accumulated knowledge base, and capacity for connecting disparate ideas to prove their points. Debaters are the ultimate devil's advocate, thriving on the process of shredding arguments and beliefs and letting the ribbons drift in the wind for all to see. They don't always do this because they are trying to achieve some deeper purpose or strategic goal, though. Sometimes it's for the simple reason that it's fun".

Hello sneaky kitsune! Did someone say using wit to tease people for fun! This is 100% Mitsu in my mind; he, after all, does gather info from the shadows and loves to tease everyone around him with his witty remarks. ENTP is the rule-breakers, they love making jokes and can size up situations super quickly

Ideal compatible matches INFJ, INTJ, and ENFP

Hideyoshi Toyotomi - ESFJ Consul

"Consuls are altruists, and they take responsibility to help and to do the right thing seriously. They base their moral compass on established traditions and laws, upholding authority and rules. Supportive and outgoing, Consuls can always be spotted at a party – they're the ones finding time to chat and laugh with everyone! Consuls truly enjoy hearing about their friends' relationships and activities, remembering little details and always standing ready to talk things out with warmth and sensitivity"

Mama-Yoshi sure loves to help and support everyone and anyone! He is the most social in the Oda forces, in my opinion- like he gets swarmed by a woman every time he goes shopping. As for upholding rules and authority, we all know poor old Nobu has to sneak around to get his candy fix when Mamahen is on patrol.

Ideal compatible matches ISFP, INFP, and ISTP

Masamune Date - ESFP Entertainer

"Entertainers get caught up in the excitement of the moment and want everyone else to feel that way, too. No other personality type is as generous with their time and energy as Entertainers when it comes to encouraging others, and no other personality type does it with such irresistible style. Wanting to experience everything there is to experience."

#Masa the hurricane. He spent the better half of his route encouraging mc to let go and have FUN! I mean, he drove off of a cliff for crying out loud, this boy is the embodiment of new experiences and playfulness. ESPF is reckless, daring and super energetic  

Ideal compatible matches ISTJ, ISFJ and INTP

Ieyasu Tokugawa - ISFJ Defender

"Defenders have excellent analytical abilities; though reserved, they have well-developed people skills and robust social relationships, and though they are generally a conservative type, Defenders are often receptive to change and new ideas. They have a tendency to underplay their accomplishments and may never be truly comfortable in the spotlight, personality type is private and very sensitive, internalizing their feelings a great deal".

I found it most difficult to match Ieyasu, but I think this fits him best. He is a sensitive soul that secretly loves helping and healing everyone. He always underplays his acts of kindness by his contrary behaviour, but we see you Yasu, we see you. ISFJ need their alone time to recharge, and their Patronus (Hello harry potter fans) is a deer so if that ain't a clear cut sign I don't know what is

Ideal compatible matches ESTP, ESFP, and ESFJ

Mitsunari Ishida - INFP Mediator

"Mediators are affectionate, kind, creative, and idealistic. Rewarding them and those they love not with logic and utility, but with a world view that inspires compassion, kindness and beauty wherever they go. Mediators can lose themselves in their quest for good and neglect the day-to-day upkeep that life demands. Mediators often drift into deep thought, enjoying contemplating the hypothetical and the philosophical more than any other personality type. Left unchecked, Mediators may start to lose touch, withdrawing into "hermit mode," and it can take a great deal of energy from their friends or partner to bring them back to the real world."

Mitsunari is a bight ray of angelic sunshine. We all know this boy goes straight into hermit mode; basically, the second he picks up a book. He is creative kind, caring, and if it weren't for mama-yoshi hand feeding him like a lil baby bird, he would probs starve to death. INFP is known to be sweet lil cinnarolls, and whose heads are always in the clouds.

Ideal compatible matches ENFJ, or the ESTJ, ENTP

I highly recommend you take the test yourself if you haven't yet!  Enjoy!❤

[star-spangled-eyes]

Winner Take All: Part 11: The Talk

This alternate universe fan fiction uses characters created and owned by Pixelberry Studios. Character names, descriptions and likenesses are owned by Pixelberry Studios. The MC, Bragnae Bennett, and story is created and owned by this author.

Book: The Royal Romance (Alternate Universe)

Alternate Universe Theme: Senior Year of College for Drake, Leo, Bragnae and Madeleine in the United States  

Pairing: Drake Walker x MC / Leo Reese x MC (Bragnae Bennett – *pronounced Brawn-yah)

Warnings for this series: NSFW, Adult content, suggestive and strong language, sex

Series Description: Bragnae Bennett sought adventure when she first went off to college. Now, navigating through her senior year, she finds herself befriending two gorgeous guys, Drake Walker and Leo Reese, who engage in a seemingly innocent bet with her during a game of pool that leads to a surprising threesome.

Their intimate evening prompts deeper feelings than they all expected to arise, and Bragnae is suddenly swept up in both of their charms, unique to each man himself. Through the pressures of college, work and maintaining a social life, which man will prevail and win Bragnae's heart?

Master List

A/N: This chapter gets a little sad, but I think you’ll enjoy it.

Warnings for this chapter: NSFW, Adult content, suggestive and strong language

Word Count for this chapter: 5319

Setting for this chapter: Bragnae tells Drake everything.

Permatags: @burnsoslow​​​​ @cora-nova​​ @dcbbw​​​ @thorfosterlove​​​​ @emceesynonymroll​​​​ @edgiestwinter​​​​ @of-course-i-went-to-hartfeld​​ @msjr0119​​​​ @notoriouscs​​​​ @drakewalker04​​​​ @pedudley​​​​ @desiree-0816​ @choices-lurker​​ @kingliam2019​​ @loveellamae​​​ @drakexnadira @flutistbyday2020​​ @indiana-jr​​ @moonlightgem7​​

Series Tags: @yukinagato2012​​ @marshmallowsaremyfavorite​​ @nomadics-stuff​​ @ravenpuff02​​ @texaskitten30​​ @themadhatter1029​​ @randomfandomteacher​ @queenjilian​ @princessleac1​@seriouslybadchoices

Part 11: The Talk

“Hold that thought, Bragnae,” Drake said as he moved to sit up. “I’m gonna grab some water first. You want some?”

She sat up too, reaching for a blanket to cover up with. Her mouth felt dry from all the pleasured gasps he gave her, so water sounded great. “Yes, thank you.” As Drake made it to the door, he bent down to pick up his discarded jeans throwing them on before leaving the room.

Knowing she was about to deliver a blow to their pleasant afternoon, Bragnae didn’t want to do it wearing nothing but a blanket. She’d be vulnerable enough telling him about Leo, and she didn’t want to make it worse. After collecting her clothes, she got dressed save for putting her shoes back on.

Drake came back into the room holding out a water bottle for her to take. As she wrapped her fingers around the cool plastic, his grip remained. He smirked as he pulled her to him for a kiss. “I don’t know why you got dressed. I’m just going to have to take it off you again.”

She giggled awkwardly trying to come up with a believable excuse. “You’re not exactly naked anymore either, which is a damn shame.”

“Yeah, well, I did that for Leo’s sake just in case he was home. We try to keep each other’s dicks out of sight when we can,” he told her as he plopped down on the bed. He leaned back on his elbows taking a swig from the bottle. Drake was absolutely stunning laying back on the bed with just jeans and a bare chest. He could be a model with those muscles and the denim provocatively hanging off his hips.

Bragnae brought her mind back into focus and away from Drake’s abs. She sat down on the bed, keeping her body more rigid than comfortable. It would have been easier and much nicer to just enjoy this moment with Drake instead of ruining it with what she had to say. Feeling parched, now more so from being nervous, she took a drink from the water bottle.

“So, what do you want to talk about?” He reached over and stroked her knee with a tranquil expression on his face.

Clearing her throat, she looked at him, mentally capturing his face this way – happy, calm, devastatingly handsome, and with the utmost affection in his eyes all aimed at her. “I need to tell you something, and it might be hard to hear.”

Instantly, his expression shifted to a cautious curiosity. “What is it?”

Taking a deep breath, she began. “The day after you and I got together to watch the movie – the night I basically kicked you out of my apartment, I hung out with Leo. We met up so he could teach me some self-defense, and then he asked me to go out with him to the club later that night.” As she paused, Drake sat up to be more level with her eyes as she spoke. His brow had furrowed as he listened intently.

“I agreed, so he took me there. We danced and had a good time. And we,” she hesitated again, knowing this next part would disrupt everything they had become. “We had sex.”

“What?” Anger and confusion spread over his face like wild fire. “I thought you told me he wasn’t trying to pursue you. Why did you lie to me?”

“I didn’t lie,” she said calmly. “At the time, he wasn’t.” She didn’t want to leave him confused, so she kept going. “As soon as we were finished, Leo became this different person. He ignored me and treated me like I meant nothing to him.” Although it stung to have to retell this story, it wasn’t nearly as bad as it once was – not now when she had finally forgiven Leo. “He took me home that night, and then I didn’t hear a word from him until the day he walked in here and saw you and me kissing in the kitchen.”

Drake scoffed, looking away as he shook his head in disgust. “Fucking asshole.”

Bragnae was a bit surprised by his reaction to chastise Leo, but it was short lived when he returned an intense glare in her direction.

“So, let me get this straight. I tell you ‘no’ one time, and the next day you run off and sleep with someone else? I didn’t think you were that type of girl, Bragnae.” His tone was both bitter and harsh.

She sat back, somewhat stunned by his assumptions of her. “First of all, I am not that type of girl. I liked Leo, and what happened between us that night happened naturally. I wasn’t just out for sex. Secondly,” she leaned toward him with a confident stare. “You were the one I was hoping to get to know better, but I had no idea why you suddenly seemed uninterested in being with me that night. I know the reason now, and I really wish I didn’t kick you out that night because I wouldn’t have gone out with Leo the next day if I hadn’t.”

“But, Bragnae, it wasn’t as if I told you I didn’t want to see you again. I explained myself and even asked you if I could call you. Why did you think I wasn’t interested?” She could see the hurt in his eyes as he desperately tried to understand her actions.

“It’s completely on me, Drake. You hadn’t called or texted me all day, even after I left you that message telling you how sorry I was for making you leave.” Drake opened his mouth to speak, but Bragnae continued her story quickly to cut him off. “I know your mom and sister came to visit you. But because of past relationships, where I had to endure mind games from immature boys, I figured you were ignoring me and playing those games too. We weren’t exclusive and I had no idea what your intentions with me truly were. So, I allowed myself to go out with someone else who had expressed clear interest in me.

“That didn’t mean I stopped liking you. I was upset that you hadn’t called.” Bragnae looked down at her lap, and fidgeted with the cap of the bottle. “I felt a connection with Leo that night, but then he ditched me and it… hurt very badly. I wanted to tell you when you took me out to dinner, but I couldn’t talk about it yet. I was devastated. I knew I wanted to be honest about this before you and I moved our relationship forward, but I just needed more time. And I’m so sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner.”

He looked at her incredulously. She could see him contemplating something and waited for him to speak when he was ready. “So, if he wanted nothing to do with you, why was he there to save you the other night?”

“Well, after he saw you and me together, he had a change of heart. He wanted to speak with me a few times after that, but I essentially told him to fuck off each time. The night I was attacked, he showed up at Mikey’s to talk to me again.”

“What the fuck did he want to talk to you about?” His gaze was intense, but Bragnae answered him despite wanting to curl up in a shameful fetal position.

“He told me that he cared for me, and that he was sorry for hurting me.” She pursed her lips together.

“So, he did all of this even though he knew I was with you?”

“Yeah, but Drake—.”

“Don’t,” he said, cutting her off, “…defend him. He knows what he did.” Drake looked away clenching his fist. “We’re supposed to be friends.”

Bragnae felt terrible. And she still had more to tell him. Ending this tortuous conversation seemed so far away. “So, after I told him I didn’t think I could ever forgive him, I later found out that Leo had stuck around the restaurant. He saw me walking home, and kept an eye on me to make sure I got there safely. As soon as he saw the guys chasing me, that’s when he interfered. I was lucky he was there.”

Drake’s hard expression relented, dropping his eyes to the bed as he exhaled a softened breath.

“After he fought those guys off for me, he took me back to my apartment,” a lump of emotion swelled in her throat as she continued. “He helped to clean me up. I was so scared, and he made me feel safe.” She looked at Drake wistfully as tears collected in her eyes. “I asked him to stay with me that night.”

He did a double take before he could actually speak. “Did you do anything with him?”

“No,” she told him, shaking her head. “I didn’t even kiss him. But I did ask him to lay in the bed next to me. I’m sorry. This turned into a huge mess, and I never intended it to be this way. And I especially didn’t want to hurt you.”

Drake leaned forward with his head cradled in his hands. He was silent for a moment, but then turned back to face her. “You said what Leo did to you hurt you so much that you could barely talk about it. So, that must have meant you had significant feelings for him. Do you still have feelings for him?”

She slowly nodded. “Yes.” He looked at her for another second before standing up in a fury, kicking one of his bags on the floor.

Bragnae got off the bed, and gently touched his back. “But I also have feelings for you, Drake. Very, very deep feelings. I care about you so much.” Tears streamed down her cheeks as her hand felt the tenseness of his back.

“I think you should leave,” he told her in a low, defeated voice.

Bragnae took in an inaudible gasp, and suddenly there was a tremendous ache in her heart. Even though she expected she’d have to give him space, it didn’t hurt any less hearing him ask her to leave. She sniffled. “Okay.”

She bent down to put her shoes back on, and grabbed her purse. Digging in the bag, she pulled out his truck keys, and placed them on his desk. He was still facing away from her when she went to pass him. She couldn’t ignore the urge to press herself against his back in hopes to convey the remorse she felt. “I’m so sorry, Drake.” Before he could say anything else, she let go of him and walked out of his room to the front door of the apartment.

Reluctantly, she opened the door and left. Once outside, Bragnae burst into heavy tears, taking her time as she walked down the stairs, and aimlessly wandered away from the building. After taking a minute to let it all out, she calmed herself down. She realized she didn’t have a car to drive home, so she’d have to call for an Uber. But first, she wanted to let Leo know that Drake was now aware of everything. She couldn’t stand the thought of him being blindsided. Retrieving her phone, she found his name and called him.

The phone rang a few times before he finally answered. “Bragnae? What’s up?”

“Hey, I just wanted to let you know I just told Drake about us. All of it.” She exhaled a deep breath waiting for him to respond.

She heard him sigh on the other end. “Oh.”

“I wanted to give you a heads up because he’s probably going to want to talk to you.”

“Yeah, I figured.” He was silent for a moment. “You doing okay?”

His question brought the tears back. “No. Not really.”

“Alright. Hang in there. Thanks for letting me know.”

“Yep,” she said, swallowing to push the hard lump back down her throat. “Talk to you later.”

Bragnae ended the call, taking another big breath. Brushing the tears off her face, she looked to her phone again to arrange for a ride.

“Bragnae!” Drake said from behind her. She turned to see him walking down the stairs towards her. “How are you getting home?”

A little surprised to see him, she couldn’t find the words right away. “I was going to grab an Uber.”

He stood in place, fidgeting with the keys in his hand. “Come on.” He motioned with his head for her to follow. “I’ll give you a ride.”

“Thanks.” She started towards him, but he didn’t wait for her to catch up. She had to hustle her steps to reach him. He didn’t open her door this time, which was a painful reminder of how much she hurt him.

After getting in the truck, Drake started the engine and began the drive to her place. It was a long and awkward ride home. She stayed silent, and so did he. Hugging the purse in her lap, she kept her eyes on the road in front of her.

Drake pulled into a parking spot and threw the gear in park. He sat back, staring in front of him not saying a word. She dared a quick look in his direction before deciding she’d better leave.

“Thank you for the ride,” she barely managed to say as she made a move to open the door.

“Bragnae, wait.”

She carefully looked back at him. His gaze locked with hers.

“I’m still trying to wrap my head around all this. I’m pissed at Leo for what he did to you and to me. And I’m upset that you didn’t tell me before now.” The muscles in his jaw clenched before the rest of his face relaxed. “But I still care about you, Bragnae. I didn’t want you to think I was going to ignore or abandon you because of this. I’m not Leo.”

The tiniest of smiles appeared on her face. “I know you’re not.”

He worked his jaw allowing his eyes time to take her in. “I’m going to need some time to think about everything.”

“I understand.”

“I’ll call you when I’m ready to talk, okay?”

She nodded, and gave him one last look before turning back to the door. Letting herself out of the truck, she turned back to him. Not knowing when she’d see or hear from him again was a horrible feeling. There could be so much of his life that’d she miss out on, and the thought was unbearable. He was only going to get busier with the hockey season starting up in another week, and she hated that she couldn’t be involved in that with him. Not until he was ready.

“Congrats again on getting the first line. I’m really proud of you.”

He swallowed, looking at her with sadness wrapped up in emotion. “Thanks.”

Bragnae shut the door to his truck and turned on her heel to head to her apartment. After a few steps, she heard him pull away. At least he still cared about her, and he wasn’t just going to run away from this. She was glad he was mature enough to want to think this through. That, at least, was good news even if it resulted in him turning away from her in the end.

The rest of the day went by at a snail’s pace. With no homework to do, she zoned out in front of the television. Shows she’d already watched played comfortingly in the background as she sat with her legs held against her chest not really paying attention. Madeleine was working, so the apartment was quiet save for the television.

Even though the afternoon had been hard to get through, she was glad Drake knew everything. She was not someone who enjoyed keeping information from people. It was overdue, and she knew it. A knock at the door interrupted her thoughts. She paused the show, and got up to answer it. On the other side of the door was Leo, and he was sporting a brand new black eye.

Her heart sank. “Oh, my God. Leo. Come in.” He walked inside, and she immediately reached up to cup his face to inspect his eye. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he said gloomily before holding up a plastic bag in his hand. “I brought ice cream. We both had a crappy day. Thought you might want to indulge with me.”

“Did you get punched, and then run right out to get ice cream?” She looked at him with a slight smirk.

“Shut up. It’s my comfort food,” he said with a wink and smile. “You want some or not?”

She mirrored his expression. “Yes, please.”

“Grab a couple spoons,” He told her as they walked into the kitchen together. Bragnae grabbed the utensils before joining Leo at the counter atop the bar stools.

“So, what flavor did you get?

“Um, the best flavor. Chocolate Fudge Brownie.” Leo removed the Ben & Jerry’s pint from the bag and popped the top.

Bragnae’s eyes widened. “Ooh. Good choice.”

Leo scoffed. “Look who you’re talking to here. I’m the king of ice cream,” he said, tilting the full container towards her. Bragnae scooped some onto her spoon and took a bite, melting as soon as the delicious taste hit her tongue.

“Ohmigod, that’s amazing.” She closed her eyes for a second to savor the flavor.

“You’re lucky I like you,” he said, lifting his own spoon of ice cream into his mouth. “I just gave you the first bite. The best bite,” he confirmed as he finished swallowing the ice cream. “I never give anyone the first bite.”

“Well, don’t I feel special?” She asked teasingly as she dove in for another round.

“You should,” he smiled, taking another scoop for himself.

Bragnae’s giggle trailed off as she looked at the bruised skin around his left eye. “I’m sorry you got hit.”

Leo shrugged, keeping his eyes on the ice cream as he took his time to fill the spoon. “It’s okay. I deserved it.”

“But you more than made up for it.”

He turned his head to look at her. “To you, maybe. But I selfishly went behind his back to try to convince you to be with me. He’s my friend – I shouldn’t have done that.”

“What happened between you two today?”

Leo returned his attention to the pint, idly digging a crater into the ice cream. “Well, when I got home from the gym, he wasn’t there. So, I took a shower, and by the time I was done, he had come back. We had a stare down of sorts in the hallway at first, and when I started to speak… he gave me his right hook.” Leo used the spoon to point to his eye.

Bragnae felt incredibly guilty. Even though Leo was responsible for some of the blame too, she felt bad that he was punched because of her conversation with Drake.

“He told me I was a shitty friend for doing what I did. And he gave me hell for ditching you that night, too. But I will say this,” he continued, using the spoon to emphasize his point, tapping it in the air. “I’ve been in a fight with Drake before – for some reason I can’t remember right now – and let me tell ya, he let me off easy today. He could have really beat me down. I think it’s because I helped you out with those guys. Or maybe because I didn’t put up a fight. Who knows?”

Bragnae patted his back.

“How are things between you and Drake?” He asked, taking another bite.

She sighed. “I don’t know where we stand.”

“Knowing him, Drake’s going to need time. But despite that, I know he still cares about you. I know he’s not going to want to let you go – no matter what.”

“How do you know?”

“If I was in his position, I wouldn’t want to let you go.” He looked more deeply into her eyes. “I would never let you go.” She felt his words deep in her soul. “What did he say when you told him about us?”

“Not a lot actually. Mostly, he asked questions. I told him everything. And before he told me to leave, he asked me if I had feelings for you.” Bragnae reached for the ice cream, but Leo tilted the top in his direction instead.

“And do you?”

Bragnae rested her arm on the counter, giving him a knowing look. “Don’t you know?”

“I’d like to hear it from you.”

She looked down at her hands. “Yes.” Her voice was almost a whisper, and then she found his eyes again. “For quite some time now. And they grew exponentially after last Thursday.”

Leo’s eyes searched hers for a long moment. His face revealed nothing. Then, he offered the ice cream to her again. She scoffed a chuckle, and dug her spoon in liberating a big chunk of brownie and fudge from the softening chocolate.

“Damn! You’re getting the best bites!” He feigned frustration in such a cute and playful way.

Bragnae rerouted the spoon from her mouth, and brought it to his mouth instead. He looked at her before slowly wrapping his lips around her spoon, taking the bite.

She cocked an eyebrow and smirked at him. “And you’re lucky I like you.”

He smiled as he chewed the delectable treat, watching her the whole time. “Mmmm…delicious.” His sultry tone could have melted the rest of the pint.

The offered bite had caused Bragnae to lean in close to him. As she observed Leo enjoying the ice cream, she became lost in the deep ocean of his eyes before her gaze dropped down to his full lips.

“Don’t,” he told her.

“Don’t what?” Her eyes shot back up to his.

“Don’t kiss me.”

She swallowed. “How did you know I wanted to do that?”

“Because I want to do that.”

“So, why haven’t you?”

He took a deep breath looking at her mouth. “Because I won’t be able to stop if I do. I’ve been craving to kiss your luscious lips for weeks. If I start, even just a little, it will certainly lead to more.”

His words only enticed her further. There was a burning need inside her to press her lips against his – to feel what it was like to kiss him with no barriers between them. He had confessed his true feelings to her, apologized, and atoned for his wrongdoing. A kiss now, after he’d come so far since that night at the club would be different… amazing… renewed.

“Leo,” she whispered. They both stared at each other waiting for the other to proceed. Bragnae felt her heart beat faster as he returned the same desperate look she was giving him.

As the memories of the day rushed back to her – sleeping with Drake and telling him everything, she knew she couldn’t allow herself an indulgence with Leo. Not now. Not when she was upset the way she was. It wasn’t fair to her, or to Leo, or even to Drake. As much as she thought she wanted to dive into his soft lips, she knew it’d be a mistake. At least for now, it would be. She needed time to sift through her feelings of both men, and wanted a clear mind when she finally did kiss him.

Her eyes closed, breaking the tension between them. “I’m sorry.”

Leo blew out a breath he’d been holding. “Don’t be. It’s probably for the best. It’s been one hell of a day.”

“Yes, it has,” she said disappointedly, looking at her lap.

Taking her hand, Leo regained her full attention. She was surprised by his gesture, and yet she was happy he was touching her – to have him hold her in such a tender way.

“You know this already, but I’m going to say it anyway. I want to be with you, Bragnae. I think about you all the time. I care about you so much that it hurts.” He paused to let it sink in. “And if you decide you want to be with Drake instead, it’ll be hard, but I won’t stand in your way.”

Placing her spoon on the counter, she tenderly cupped his cheek. “Thank you for letting me know. I’m going to need time to think about all of it, but I’m so glad you came over. I needed this.”

Leo turned into her hand, placing a gentle kiss on her palm. “Me too.”

~

Two weeks had gone by and Bragnae still hadn’t heard from Drake. She missed him, and hated not being a part of his life. Hockey season was starting up, so she knew that occupied a lot of his time.

She took that time to distance herself from Leo as well. Like Drake, she also needed time to think about things, and remove herself from the whirlwind of having two incredible men vying for her attention. While some might find that exciting, it was more stressful to Bragnae than anything else. She wasn’t the type of person to juggle more than one man at a time, so all of this was new to her.

Having strong feelings for both of them didn’t help the situation. She figured if she gave herself time away from Drake and Leo, she’d be able to have more clarity about who she felt pulled towards most. Drake, of course, was making the decision for her to stay away, but Leo understood that she needed time.

Despite his decision not to speak to her, Bragnae still wanted to support Drake, so she decided to attend his first hockey game of the season. She had originally planned on making it to all of his games anyway, and didn’t want what happened between them to change that. At least she’d be able to see him this way.

Bragnae arrived at the arena where Drake’s game was to take place. She sat in an open seat in the fourth row at center ice. Much like the other rink she’d visited before, there was only one side for spectators to view the game from.

It wasn’t long before the players from both teams took the ice. After the national anthem was sung, the players skated to their positions, waiting for the puck to drop. Drake stood as the right defenseman, which was closest to where she sat. Her breathing quickened at the sight of him as she watched Drake lean his weight on his stick – his eyes focused on the center line.

The puck dropped and both teams unleashed their fury to retrieve it. The Pit Vipers were facing another team with gold jerseys called the Arctic Wolves, and they appeared to be equally matched in terms of talent.

The first period ended with no goals scored. Both teams had fought hard to keep the puck out of the net. After a quick intermission the teams took the ice again. The start of the second period was even more exciting than the first. It seemed both teams had been properly motivated by their coaches and the lack of points on the scoreboard to amplify their skills.

The Pit Vipers worked together to score two goals by the end of the second period. As the buzzer sounded, the team rose from the bench to return to the locker room for one last intermission. Bragnae watched as Drake said a few words to the referee facing in her direction. Just as he was about to skate off, his gaze found her in the audience. He looked at her for a few seconds with no change in his expression. She didn’t wave or nod, she just kept eye contact with him until he turned away to leave the ice.

Now, he knew she was there. She hoped her presence wouldn’t distract him during the final period, but it was nice to feel his eyes on her again. Bragnae killed time during the intermission by using the restroom and playing with her phone. A part of her hoped he’d call her soon after seeing her at the game today, but even if he still needed more time, she was relieved to be able to see him now.

The players took the ice again to finish out the game. Drake and his friend Chuck covered defense as the puck came sliding their way. Chuck gained control of it, and passed the puck to Drake who skated expeditiously down the rink. Drake delivered the puck to another one of his teammates who shot it into the net to increase their score to three. The team celebrated in the corner. Drake had earned an assist with the goal – his first of the season. Bragnae smiled as she cheered for the team along with the other spectators.

The teams continued to battle for the puck as the clock counted down. With only a minute left to go, the Pit Vipers were doing their best to keep the puck out of their end to claim the shut out of 3-0 at the end of the game. The other team’s players dug in and furiously tried to regain control of the puck, but they weren’t successful. The buzzer sounded once more giving the win to the Pit Vipers. The audience stood and cheered as a sea of royal purple jerseys flooded the ice to celebrate the victory.

Bragnae clapped along with the others as both teams showed their sportsmanship to each other on the ice with quick handshakes. As most of the audience started to disperse, Bragnae stood there watching Drake rejoice with his team over the win. He wore a dashing smile that made her heart ache and soar at the same time. She was glad he was happy, but she knew when he thought of her that beautiful smile wouldn’t grace his face.

Before she could work herself into deep pit of sadness, Bragnae bent down to retrieve her purse, and started to make her way out of the row of seats. Reaching the aisle, she walked up the steps towards the door, but stopped when she heard her name being called. She looked over her shoulder and saw Drake at the edge of the rink looking up at her.

Stepping to the side of other people trying to leave, she returned her attention to him. Drake beckoned her with a gloved hand to come closer. Swallowing, she made her way back down the steps to get to him. He opened a latch on the wall, and slid the door to the ice open so they could hear each other better.

He stood with both feet on the ice, but hugged the boards just a foot away from where she was standing. He smelled like sweat and triumph, but she didn’t care. He was allowing her next to him, and that’s all that mattered.

“You came to the game,” he noted, taking his gloves off as he spoke.

“I didn’t want to miss it.” She grinned. “It was spectacular. You played great, Drake. Nice assist.”

He ran a hand through his wet and matted helmet-hair. “Thanks. We worked together, and got it done.”

His warm brown eyes locked with hers, and a chill shot down her spine. He didn’t look at her with the affection he once did, but at least there wasn’t a burning anger or deep sadness in his eyes now as he spoke.

“Listen, I’m going to shower, and get changed. Will you wait for me? I was thinking we could go somewhere to talk if you’re not busy.”

Bragnae drew in a sharp breath. He was ready to talk to her again, and she was more than happy to oblige. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

[cassandracaiin]

Gary’s Mental Health: An Analysis of His Character.

Spoilers ahead.

If you play Love Island The Game 2019 and make it to Day 26, you stumble upon a concerned Gary, who is sitting by himself. After a brief chat, he proceeds to tell your MC that he’s had some problems with how he felt about his body in the past. He often comes across a simple guy, who is always bantering and fooling around, and most players tend to think that he only talks about his nan and cranes, so the sudden seriousness of this conversation may have seemed odd for some of you. Despite this, the unexpected confession he makes didn’t go unnoticed by the fandom, with many starting to appreciate him more because of it.

Few realize how important and revealing this conversation is. If you connect the right dots across the whole game, it helps to explain lots of his actions, beliefs and behavior. So, in this analysis I’ll be doing that: I’ll be providing you with all the information you’ll need to understand the subject, inserting exact quotes of the game and breaking down some crucial scenes. Because of this, this post will be really long, so get comfy, grab some snacks and prepare for an extensive reading.

Before starting, I must remind you that Gary is, indeed, a fictional character. That’s why I’ll be analyzing quotes and scenes straight out of the game and trying not to speculate furthermore. I think it’s interesting to tie the traits and personality of a fictional character to real life psychology and mental health, so this will be me basically explaining his condition and relating it to his canon personality and actions. Also, in some portions of this post I’ll be applying “real world rules”, because his mental illness is a real thing that happens in the real world.

I’ll go as far as to say that, after reading this entire rant, you’ll probably never see Gary the same way again— but that’s okay, because he’s such a layered character who also used to struggle with a mental illness and, instead of mental illnesses being a taboo topic, they should be met with open arms and discussed overtly and sincerely.

Mental Illness Warning/Trigger.

As I mentioned before, Gary’s condition is a real thing, so this post contains several mentions of mental health related topics and illnesses. If you feel uncomfortable about this type of things, I advise you not to keep reading. I’ll try to keep it as light and understandable as possible, regardless. Those who want to dive deeper should check the links I’ll leave at the end of the post.

This is a heavy topic, but I strongly believe it should be addressed. Even more importantly, I want to spread awareness, because, as you will read further ahead, this is still an under-recognized and frequently left untreated condition, that is becoming more and more common all around the world.

Disclaimer: I’m not a psychiatrist, but I am a med student. I’ve had classes and training about mental health and, specifically, about Gary’s condition. I’ll be leaving some extra sources and additional content down below, for those who are interested in verifying the information that I’ll be breaking down for you. Also, I’m open to receive feedback about it from someone who could know more than me, such as a doctor or a psychiatrist, because, as I said, I’m still just a med student.

So, without further do, let’s get started.

What does Gary have?

After reading the conversation he has with MC in Day 26, Gary’s evident diagnosis is Muscle Dysmorphia. We’ll be using the acronym MD to refer to it from now on.

What is MD?

MD is a subtype of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD).

What is a BDD, you may ask? It’s a condition in which people see themselves differently than others see them, and it’s characterized by persistent and intrusive preoccupations with one's appearance, that are really difficult to resist or control. These unwanted thoughts or ideas (called “obsessions”) make them feel that they need to perform certain activities (called “compulsions”). When applied to MD, the obsession becomes the level of muscularity, and the compulsion is to achieve a higher level of muscularity.

MD comes with the exaggerated belief that one's own body is too small, too skinny or scrawny, even though the individual's build is normal or exceptionally large and muscular already. Is often confused with vanity, but this is not the case, as most MD patients don't want to look great, they just want to look acceptable. Typically, people with MD have low self-esteem. It can be experienced by either males or females, but in this post I’ll be addressing the patients as males, because I will be also relating it to unhealthy masculinity.

What causes MD? It doesn’t have a specific cause, but there are factors that could help its development. Most studies sustain that suffering from bullying for smallness or weakness is the most frequent trait in MD patients. Some also attribute this disorder to the effect of the media, as society bombards people at younger ages with images of what an “ideal” body looks like, even more considering how marketing campaigns once targeting only female body image insecurities are now aimed at males as well. Because of this, MD is likely to increase in general population.

Does it have a treatment? Yes, it does. Most are treated with therapy that targets damaging behavior, as for example, cut down on the amount of time they’re checking themselves in the mirror or in the gym, which helps them think less about their appearance. Therapists also help them deal with the fears they might have, like possibly losing muscle mass or size if they exercise less.

Many do not seek treatment; the biggest hurdle is convincing the person with MD that he needs help. The psychological and social consequences often go unrecognized, especially because they usually appear to be in good health, at least in the short term. To properly address MD, society has to change in how we approach our body image in general. Traditionally, males are not supposed to be concerned with looks, let alone talk about them, because if they do, they will be viewed as “feminine”. Encouraging men to talk about their inner feelings is a good first step to bring down stigmas about their body image.

How does MD affect someone’s life?

People with MD engage in behaviors aimed at achieving a muscular physique, as I mentioned earlier. They include excessive exercise, following rigid diets, and also spending countless amounts of money in supplements. Sometimes, they may also use anabolic-androgenic steroids (I’ll be referring to them as “AAS”), which cause serious damage to the body if used excessively.

Low self-esteem is a crucial factor here. People with MD try to enhance their self-esteem by building muscular mass, but they keep feeling that is never enough. “Every muscle could be bigger. I could be leaner” they tell themselves. They look at the mirror and they feel like everything is still small and weak, that they’re ugly, that they have no chest muscles, no arm muscles, no abs— And the reality is that they are often huge and incredibly muscular. Some of them also touch, flex, poke or pinch their muscles a lot, to make sure that they haven’t lost size.

Their relationships with other people often fall apart as time passes. They frequently avoid important social or occupational activities, like going to family reunions or to work, because of the need to maintain their excessive exercise and rigid diet.

How does one draw the line between being fitness or having MD? Believe it or not, Gary explains it in the game. He says, “I was really shocked when the doctor told me that if it���s getting in the way of the rest of your life, then it’s a problem”. Certainly, when working out and obsessing about the body becomes a problem in the person’s life, along with having these bad thoughts about themselves, it’s better to seek help and ask a health professional about it.

So, why is Day 26 so relevant?

Day 26 is important for Gary’s character because it tells us a huge lot of things about him and his past. Across his dialogue there are so many details that few people seem to truly notice, so I’ll be breaking down this day for you.

Let’s start analyzing this day from the beginning, with it being the first conversation MC has with Gary. She finds him sitting alone by the pool, rubbing his upper arm. After greeting her, he flexes his bicep and then pokes at it. If MC asks him if he is worried about his gains, he surprisingly responds “Yeah, I am a bit”. In comparison to the rest of his answers, this is the one that tells us that the reason he is bummed out is because of how he feels about his body, rather than how he actually looks.

Next, he asks “Do you think I look as good as I did when we first met?”. After seeing him acting this way, we can notice that he is looking for reassurance, but even if MC answers that he looks better every day, he responds with things like “Thanks! It’s nice to have that support, even if I don’t think it’s true” and “I never believe anyone when they say I look buff”. As you probably read in this post, this is a common trait amongst individuals with MD. Even when people around them tell them that they are big, muscular, huge and so on, they never truly believe it themselves because they just can’t see themselves in that way—the person that looks back at them in the mirror is still somewhat skinny. And here’s a huge clarification: Gary knows that people think he is buff, but he doesn’t see it himself, and that’s why he doesn’t exactly believe it.

At this point, I think Gary is starting to notice that the chat could turn to a topic that he’s not ready to talk about yet, because he seems to divert the conversation by saying that the reason he doesn’t believe he’s buff is because he simply doesn’t want to get big-headed about it, and that thinking this way keeps him motivated. But even with those modest answers, he’s still letting us know that he’s always aiming at improving his physique.

And after that, he flexes his arm again. If you payed attention, you may have noticed a pattern here, which is another common characteristic of MD patients: the one where they have the compulsion to feel and touch their muscles, as a way of making sure they’re not as skinny as they think they are.

Gary finishes the chat by commenting lightheartedly “Those weights aren’t going to lift themselves” and walking off in the direction of the gym. This bit actually makes me sad, because it leads me to think that he gave in to the compulsion of going to the gym.

After the challenge, MC meets him again and he, indeed, says “I started to do some weights, but then I had to check my head a bit”, indicating that after compulsively going to the gym, he realized that he wasn’t working out for the right reasons and what was actually driving him to exercise were the intrusive thoughts of his MD. Beyond that, this is also a sign that he can actually distinguish between his normal and healthy interest in working out and the compulsions caused by MD.

Later in the conversation, he explains that it all started when he used to see this massive and muscular superheroes in comics and noticed he didn’t look like them, because he was small, even smaller than the rest of the kids at school. He tells MC, “I’d look at those superheroes, and then back at myself. I didn’t look like them”. This is a clear reference to the media influencing the development of BBD’s and specially MD in younger boys.

It’s evident that at this point in his life he began to believe that having a muscular body would be a solution to his problems, and you can confirm that in this phrase: “It can feel like everything is telling you, things will be better if you’re stronger or more muscly”. And after his nan stepped in to take on the role of his dad, the bullying towards him increased, which just made this belief even stronger. “And whenever someone would say something to me, I’d wish I was bigger and stronger than them so they wouldn’t dare” he states, following with “So when I got older, I started working out”.

Gary goes on to say that exercising didn’t help on the long run. “At first, working out made a huge difference. I started to feel more confident. I felt like I could stick up for myself, and I got a lot more positive comments. People started to notice me in a good way, you know?” he declares. He basically tells MC that he started building his self-esteem around his physique, rather than around his inner self.

“The problem is, it never felt enough”. We see here, once again, a classic trait of people suffering from MD.

After this, comes a phrase that got me thinking: “Especially once I left school and had more time and money”. When reading this, I asked myself why having more money was relevant in things going downhill for Gary. By this point, he had already been working out and probably paying for the gym membership anyway, so I figured that this “new” money could have gone elsewhere, maybe in buying supplements to grow muscle mass faster. I can’t rule out completely the possibility that he got to the point of using AAS, but giving his personality and recovery I don’t think he went that far. Or at least I hope he didn’t.

“I kept going to the gym even when I knew I’d been going too much” he continues “It was actually my nan who noticed things were getting out of hand”. For this, us Gary fans should feel grateful. This is one of the billion reasons why he loves his nan so much. The woman rescued him from sinking deeper into his disorder, she was the only one who noticed that he wasn’t in a good place and that working out was actually tearing his life apart. She could see right through the healthy and good looking muscular man she had in front of him, as nobody else was able to see that he was still just a scrawny insecure boy on the inside. This was probably one of the lowest points in his life, if not the lowest, and his nan pulled him up and stuck with him through it all.

Afterwards, Gary states again that he struggled when it came to stop exercising. “I’d hurt my wrist cos I was lifting more than I should, but I didn’t rest or stop lifting so the problem just kept getting worse” he says “Eventually it got so bad that I had to take time off work, but I was still trying to go to the gym because I couldn’t stand missing sessions”. Even if he wanted to stop, the compulsions and unwanted thoughts took over him and he kept going to the gym.

When being asked if he couldn’t see how bad the situation was, Gary answers with “Being so strong and tough was so important to me that it felt like I couldn’t ask for help”, yet again being a reference of the way society influences young men, leading them to believe that being masculine and strong means also not talking about one’s feelings, less opening to others about one’s insecurities.

When talking about his therapy, he explains that once he started speaking about how he felt, he could see everything more clearly. He says “I’d lost sight of why I wanted to be so buff before. I couldn’t see that it wasn’t good for me”. Indeed, at first he wanted to get more muscular to enhance his self-esteem, to make himself feel better and gain confidence, but at that point it had become an actual disorder, getting in the middle of his life, getting him injured and making him stop going to work, amongst other things. Focusing on his body was actually making him feel worse because it came along with the sensation that he wasn’t making progress, even after all the time and effort he’d put into being more muscular. He also comments “By that point, I was like, ‘mate, working out is my life’”, this also being a characteristic of patients with MD, as their obsession takes over their life.

To wrap this section of this post, let’s talk shortly about his recovery. Gary says that his wrist eventually healed and that he kept going to therapy. “It took a while, but now I know when I’m doing something for the right reasons” he tells MC “It’s a constant balance though. You have to keep working on it”. After starting therapy, he understood that he can keep working out and caring about his looks without it taking over his life again or making him feel worse about his image, but that he will always have to maintain a certain equilibrium, so he doesn’t get out of control again.

“It’s okay for me to work out and be active, but I have to check in with myself. If those thoughts start coming back I know to call up my GP and get talking again”. This phrases are a total relief, as they let us know that he has learned when to seek help and, more importantly, to read the signs of his own mind telling him about his MD thoughts coming back. It’s even more relieving when he finishes with “I can still have tough moments, but I’m so much better at working through them now”.

Overall, Day 26 makes us realize that he hasn’t always been as confident as he seems, less felt good about his body image. It gives his character more depth; he’s not just a lighthearted lad that talks about cranes, makes dad jokes and loves his nan anymore. And reading between lines helps us get an even fuller picture of what he went through and the state he is in now.

How do MD and his past affect Gary’s general behavior?

After all that information, let’s start this with something simpler. I’m going to name a few stressful events for Gary during his time at the Villa: the morning after the first recoupling, Lucas and Henrik’s arrival and all the girls-pick recouplings.

Where is he after all those events? You guessed it, he’s at the gym.

I have been asked if this is him working out to relieve anxiety, but I’m not sure if it’s always the case. Of course, he mentions that for him there’s nothing like burning off some tension in the gym, so most times he could be working out to clear his mind and to feel less stressed out.

Despite this, in other situations and considering his condition, it could be also him starting to feel insecure about himself. It’s likely that when he begins feeling that way, those bad thoughts about his body image and compulsions, caused by MD, start to come back, so he can’t avoid going to the gym to make sure he doesn’t lose body mass and muscle. Because of his MD, he could have the sensation that, if he loses size, bad things will happen to him—girls won’t pick him at the recouplings, people will start to make fun of him again for being small, he’ll look less attractive in comparison to the rest of the male Islanders and so on. Having all of this in consideration, in some cases I actually think it’s him still struggling with insecurity and his MD, rather than just anxiety and stress.

There is a moment in the game that got me confused at first, but after thinking about it I was able to figure out what was really going on. It happens when MC goes to spot the boys at the gym and, during the conversation, Rahim points out “See! I told you your form was off, Gary”, which makes the corners of Gary’s lips turn upside down. “All right, settle down. I don’t usually use a gym, okay” he responds and strikes a pose, flexing “This is all natural…”. I’m sure that in this moment he was lying. From what he confessed in Day 26, we know he’s been working out since his teens (remember that he’s 23, so he has at least been doing it for five or six years), so it’s obvious that his body built is not exactly natural, more so if we consider that he used to get bullied for being too small. In this situation and with a recoupling coming soon, he probably didn’t want to get embarrassed by Rahim’s comment in front of MC, so he blurted out some excuse, basically saying that his bad form is technically product of him being unexperienced. Again, we see him being insecure.

Now, I’m not saying that him being at the gym and working out is always a bad thing. In fact, he it looks like he has fun and socializes with the rest of the boys when they’re all exercising together. He seems to have a good balance of how much time he spends there and, most importantly, knows when to stop. We notice this when he tells MC things like “There’s nothing like burning off some tension in the gym. But I need to have some other ways to deal with how I’m feeling too” and “I don’t want to end up just going to the gym whenever I’m bored or stressed out about something else”. The thing is, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we find him at the gym after stressful events, even more when you have in mind that he doesn’t want to go there with the sole purpose of relieving stress.

So, we see Gary often flexing his muscles, right? I actually think this behavior of his has two sides. As you may have read earlier in this post, people with MD have this tendency to touch their muscles a lot. I think that in situations of stress like Day 26 this could be the case for him. But the other side of it, and the most important one in my opinion, is that this adds a cheeky, playful and confident aspect to his character. It lets us know that he enjoys the attention and that he likes to show off.

Now, it’s certain that him showing off means that his recovering has been really successful so far, knowing that people with MD tend to avoid showing their body to others because they are ashamed of the way they look. The fact that he’s in a swimming suit during the entire show, being recorded for national TV and knowing millions of people are watching, is a huge signal that he feels significantly better about his body and image. He has learned to love and appreciate his body in some way, hence the question he so often asks, so cheekily “Like what you see?” and he feels proud enough to show it off. The fact that he knows he’s attractive to others makes all the difference for his self-image, even if he doesn’t necessarily believe it himself. And, trust me, that with him being a MD patient it took him a lot to get where he is now in terms of confidence and feeling comfortable in his own skin.

Moving to another topic, something that always caught my attention is that Gary is constantly worrying about others. We see this in cases like when he comforts Lottie after Hannah gets dumped from the Island or when he pulls her for a chat when he notices that she’s stressed out about the Rocco situation, when he offers Chelsea a tissue after he sees her crying over the gossip-sneezer drama, all of the moments he demonstrates being protective of MC’s feelings when they’re coupled up and even during his Mr. Love Island speech. His type also includes a girl who cares about others and doesn’t get involved in drama, to match his personality. After analyzing his past, we understand why he is always trying to reach out when another Islander feels sad and why he is one of the first ones to offer a helping hand. It’s mainly because there was a time in his life when he struggled with getting help for feeling bad about himself and wished someone had reached out to him in a similar way. He knows that people could be struggling internally without anyone noticing, just like it happened to him.

I’m sure that during his stay in the Villa, Gary tries his best not to hurt anyone. An example of this is his chat with MC after he lies about kissing Marisol. He feels bad about it and promises to apologize to her, and the players don’t get frowns for calling him out as a signal that he owns his mistake. Another example is if MC chooses to couple with him in Day 9, right after the recoupling Gary tells her that he feels bad for Lottie, because he knows that she fancies him. He says, with a sad expression “I feel bad that I’m here treading on someone’s toes, but I guess that’s what it’s about, right? I just hope everyone here finds someone that wants to be with them, long term”.

If you’ve gone this far in this post, I’m sure that by now you may have a few questions about his overall personality, so to finish this segment I’ll answer the most relevant ones:

Is Gary’s confident personality a facade? I’m one hundred percent sure it is not, especially considering that he has a cheeky sense of humor and that he likes to show off. In my opinion, he acts this way because he has learned that confidence is good. That his body is good enough to show, and that his personality, stories and awful jokes are worth sharing with others. It’s incredibly healthy for him to feel this way about himself.

Is Gary fragile? My answer to this is yes and no. Why yes? It’s mainly because we still see him acting insecure across the game and because he will always have traces of low self-esteem, giving his condition. He will be always more likely to overthink about his physical appearance and more prone to feel poorly about himself when he compares himself to more muscular men. Why no, then? Because after the end of the chat with him at Day 26, he states that now he knows when to seek help, how to maintain a balance on his exercising habits and that, overall, he has accepted his illness. He doesn’t get hijacked by bad thoughts about himself anymore and he seems to know the boundary that distinguishes a benign interest in physical appearance from the bad thoughts that come along with MD, which makes him less prone to come back to that low point he reached in the past.

Relationships.

Now I’m going to make a few comments about his main relationships while in the Villa, with them being his relationship with Lottie and his relationship with MC.

We never know for sure if he eventually tells Lottie about his past, but I have the feeling that he doesn’t, especially because in Day 26 he tells MC “I don’t always tell people why she’s (his nan) so important in my life. And now you know”, suggesting that maybe she is the only one in the Villa that has this information as of now.

Either way, the thing that bothers me about the way the Lottie-Gary ship is written is that most of the time we see them arguing and not agreeing in lots of things. In some cases, this could be considered “cute” or “entertaining”, but it isn’t when you notice Gary confesses a few times that it worries him and has him on edge, saying that he can never know how Lottie is going to react to things or wondering in what mood she’s going to be in. As a clarification, I’m not debating in whether Lottie is unstable or not, because it really doesn’t matter if it’s true or not. What matters in this case is that Gary perceives her being that way.

The constant uncertainty of his partner’s behavior could harm Gary in the long run, as we know that he is still attending to therapy sessions and going through bad days from time to time, and without someone who he can know for sure will support him and reassuring him whenever he needs, things could start to get more difficult for him to handle.

Moving to his relationship with MC, if you have done a Gary playthrough, you know that he constantly tells her that he doesn’t feel like a weirdo when he is around her and, basically, that he feels that he can be himself. If we take in consideration his history and personality, this makes a huge difference for him, as we’ve seen him get to the point of lying so he doesn’t get embarrassed in front of the girls. When being in a relationship with MC, he is finally able to let go of some of his insecurities and stops worrying about how other girls perceive him.

So, moving past that, I just wanted to quickly point out something about their relationship that seems interesting to me. In one of the gem scenes, Gary tells MC “My nan would like you. You keep me in check. She’d say I need someone like that around”. I couldn’t help but notice that he uses the same verb in the past when referring to him getting his thoughts straight by differentiating between the intrusive beliefs caused by his MD and what is actually real. This could be his way of telling MC that she keeps him grounded, that he could never feel insecure when being with her and that she, somehow, helps him to keep away the bad thoughts about himself. And of course his nan would like that—she’d love seeing his grandson with someone who he feels safe with. Because of this, I think that his relationship with MC is by far the healthiest one he could have in the Villa, and even in the playthroughs when they’re not a couple, the reason being that he opens to her about his past either way.

In conclusion.

I think it’s really interesting the way Fusebox tried to insert real life troubles and conditions into their characters. For me, this made a big difference when playing the game, because the majority of the characters feel real, specially in comparison to Season 1; whether you like a character or not, we all have to agree that every single one of them has a very defined personality and behavior, and that is a compelling aspect of the gameplay.

I also like the way they made the Love Island boys break stereotypes and dismiss toxic masculinity. In Gary’s case, we see this reflected in him being always open and sincere with his feelings, having him making subtle comments like “Sometimes we all need a little cry. Nothing wrong with that”.

Because of everything I’ve written in this post, I could say that the fandom is not wrong when they classify Gary as being soft. He is, indeed, a softie—the softest boy in the Villa, in my opinion. But he is not just that. He is also incredibly emotionally intelligent, as he learned how to overcome his mental disorder, how to communicate and accept his feelings and how to reach out to others and offer them help, amongst a billion of other things. We see him also being very mature for his age, with many pointing out that he seems older than he actually is. I can’t deny that most of his maturity probably comes from being raised by his nan and because he has gone through a lot in terms of accepting himself and growing as a person in general.

On a quick side note, I’ve noticed people with clearly poor understanding on mental health that have tried to write him as a villain and end up usually turning him into an insecure, self-centered, egotistical character, labeling it as layering, when the reality is far from that. Vilifying insecurity, low self-esteem and fear of rejection/failure is not layering. Those are common flaws and issues that cause distraught in many people on a daily basis and, in my opinion, they should be approached with proper understanding, respect and reassurance.

Anyhow, it makes me so happy seeing much more Love Island fans recognizing the true good and soft nature of Gary’s personality as time passes, and even happier that a lot more started appreciating him because of his issues. His story represents, in my opinion, a story of recovery. There are few things better than seeing someone that used to struggle with how they felt about themselves, keeping their head up, accepting their flaws as their own and doing their best to keep getting better, and that’s what he represents at the end of Day 26.

I’ll be leaving down below some of the papers I used for my additional research, as well as some simple articles and videos about MD, if some of you would like to know more about it and spread awareness.

Let’s take this character’s story as an example to follow, as it indirectly encourages people to accept themselves and to share their mental illness stories once they feel ready to do so. I think that by supporting this type of characters we’re letting the writers know that we do like to read characters like this, with true layers, defects and with backgrounds that feel just real.

Finally, as some friend of mine said, let’s jump on the Gary tour bus and spread some love, positivity and appreciation for this amazing character*:･ﾟ✧

Links, articles and videos.

[Nature article], [The Guardian Article], [TED Talk], [TED Talk Q&A], [BDD 2015 Conference], [ABC Science Video], [ABC News Video], [Paper n°1], [Paper n°2], [Paper n°3], [Paper n°4], [Paper n°5], [Paper n°6].

[taww]

First Take Review: Gryphon Essence Preamplifier & Stereo Amplifier

Okay, let’s get this out of the way: with a combined retail of over USD $40k (and that doesn’t include another $6k for the optional Zena DAC module), The Gryphon’s Essence preamplifier and stereo amplifier are by far the most expensive electronics I’ve ever had in my home! They might be the Danish firm’s entry point into separates, but that’s akin to calling a $146k Aston Martin Vantage “entry level.” There was a time in the not-so-distant past when spending such sums of money on stereo gear struck me as pointless excess. Perhaps I’ve been numbed by flipping through too many issues of The Absolute Sound or walking the halls of an audio show; perhaps I’m just entering a life stage (mid-life crisis, anyone?) where I’m allowing myself to indulge in such luxuries. Whatever the case may be, I’ve now had the good fortune of several months with the Essence combo, and despite a number of people prodding me for this review it’s been quite difficult to put into words how they perform. Why? Because every time I sit down to do the “work” of reviewing I just end up getting sucked into the music and forget to do the reviewing bit! But, here goes...

The arrival of the Gryphon components was a case of one thing leading to another. My first experience was when I strolled into Gryphon’s room at RMAF 2018. After being disappointed by so many other mega-buck systems at the show, I was delighted that this one actually sounded like music! Frankly, a lot of über-expensive show systems landed on my ears like amusical hi-fi effects or whimsical fancies of what some people think music should sound like, rather than an actual musical performance. Like other big systems, the Gryphon rig was imposing and fancy-looking, but with a decidedly purposeful, even stark, aesthetic. And the sound - so tangible and luscious, maybe a little dark and brooding, but in a way that connected me emotionally to the recorded performance rather than distracting me with sonic affect. 

At the time I was happily running the Valvet A4 Mk.II monoblocks, and also had @mgd-taww​’s Pass Labs XA30.5 at my disposal. Both delivered the pure and colorful musical flavors of Class A amplification, and both are superb amps. But things got thrown for a bit of a loop when I settled on the Audiovector SR 6 Avantgarde Arreté speakers as my new reference. I had auditioned them at AudioVision SF with the Gryphon Diablo 300 integrated amp ($16k) and the sound gave up nothing to high-quality separates - big, bold and dynamic with tremendous poise and nuance. Coming back to the Pass and Valvet amplifiers (coupled with a Pass Labs XP10 line stage) certainly wasn’t a let-down, but they didn’t have quite the same level synergy with the Audiovectors which sounded more complete and visceral with the Gryphon integrated. 

This combined with the strong aural memories from the RMAF room led to a call to Gryphon’s US distributor, Philip O’Hanlon and Pandora Pang of On a Higher Note. Philip acknowledged that the Diablo was indeed excellent but teased that Gryphon had recently introduced a new line of separates worth consideration. The Essence had just arrived in the States and he had one more set in stock if I were so inclined... and next thing I know, a pallet loaded with what my wife lovingly referred to as “an illegal arms shipment” landed at our doorstep.

Serious crates for serious gear

Like all separates in The Gryphon’s 35-year heritage dating back to the original DM100 amplifier, the Essence line features pure Class A operation with minimal negative feedback, but brings it at a lower price point ($22,990) with more conservative aesthetics and practical packaging. Prior to the Essence, to get a Gryphon amp one had to shell out anywhere from $39k for the Antileon EVO to $57k for the flagship Mephisto (double those if going for monoblocks). The tradeoff is a lower power rating - just 50wpc, albeit in pure class A and doubling into 4 ohms and again into 2 ohms - so you’ll want to pair it with a reasonably efficient speaker. The Essence preamp meanwhile is a repackaging of the Zena preamplifier launched in 2018 (also $17,500), reskinned with cosmetics to match the amp. It features fully balanced operation via a discrete DC-coupled Class A circuit with zero global negative feedback, and can accommodate either of two optional internal modules, the Zena DAC ($6,000) or an MM/MC phono stage ($2,250). Being strictly digital I opted to evaluate the DAC, which I’ll talk about in a later installment. I’ll also save more details about the design and operation of this beautifully-crafted gear, including Gryphon’s unique Green Bias system, for a more in-depth review. For now, let’s get down to the business of how it sounds...

The Essence Preamp

When the Essence components arrived I clearly needed my wife’s assistance to safely unpack and set up the 45kg/99lb Essence amp. But she was busy making reeds for her oboe that evening, so I initially made do setting up the preamp (it weighs in at “only” 13.4kg/29.5lbs) and comparing it to my Pass Labs XP10 with the Pass Labs XA30.5 amplifier.

Firing up the Essence preamp from a cold start was one of those “damn, I don’t understand how a preamp can make this much of a difference” moments. Even though the Pass XP10 is a very solid performer - I find the sound of my PS Audio DirectStream significantly improved by it vs. feeding an amplifier directly - the 3x-as-expensive Gryphon outclassed it from the first note, taking musical resolution from the micro to nano level.

The first thing I noticed was how the entire back of the stage opened up. I never realized how triangular it sounded before, becoming narrower as you went deeper. With the Essence it suddenly feels rectangular and whole, with winds, brass and percussion able to naturally spread out and breath on the stage. It didn’t even take a big orchestral recording to experience this - my very first track was an intimate vocal with piano accompaniment, soprano Elsa Dreisig singing Strauss songs with pianist Jonathan Ware (Qobuz). The sense of the space - a church, as you can see from this video - and where the performers occupied it became strikingly tangible. Piano has starting clarity, with all its complex overtones unfolded and laid out for your ear to sample at its leisure. Dynamic resolution is also unlocked - subtle gradations in vocal intensity flow so organically. Going back to the Pass pre, macro dynamics weren’t Iacking, but the transitions somehow came across more synthetically, as if the volume dial was being turned rather than the performers modulating their instruments in the original performance. 

One thing that didn't change too much was overall tonal balance. I find the Pass pretty neutral and extended, if anything having a subtly warmish character to it, at least by solid state standards. The Gryphon doesn't deviate notably from that, leaning slightly in that direction though with more sophisticated and varied tonal richness and density. The quality of the frequency extremes, however, is a different matter. Most striking is how triangles sparkle and ring with startling presence on the Gryphon. With a claimed frequency response out to 1MHz, the Essence pre delivers the highest highs with a sense of ease and finesse. And the bass is everything people have come to expect from the Gryphon house sound - deep, taut and powerful with beautiful tonality. The Pass Labs wasn’t missing any of the music per se, but the deepest bass notes and highest overtones sounded constrained vs. the effortless and wide-open delivery of the Essence.

So, yeah - a preamplifier that costs 3x as much as the Pass XP10 sounds clearly superior. Not much of a news flash, and a much fairer comparison in the Pass lineup would be the XP32 ($17,500) or at least an XP22 ($9,500). But what took me aback was how a preamplifier like the Essence could bring out so much life and nuance that was being curtailed by an otherwise fine piece like the Pass. The net effect was to make the musical performance feel significantly more tangible, visceral and unclouded - something that even the change of a DAC or amplifier doesn’t consistently achieve. The Gryphon Essence pre is simply an incredible conveyor of the musical signal.

And we haven’t even tried the amplifier yet...

The Essence Amplifier

Once I got my wife to assist in positioning the hefty Essence amp in the cabinet (safety first!), I hooked up the Audiovectors via my usual Audience Au24 SX cables and powered up the Gryphon using the stock power cord (the amp requires a 20A IEC connector, so standard cords won’t work). I played a bit with the Green Bias settings but obviously settled with it in red-hot Class A operation for serious listening. And while the amp has since benefited from multiple months of break-in, it was apparent from its first notes that the Essence had resolution, clarity, dynamics and tonal completeness on an altogether different level from any amp I’ve experienced in my system. But there was something else remarkable about its presentation that’s taken me many months to put my finger on, and I think I might be finally getting it.

The Essence amp has a very special ability to deliver the leading edge of a sound with incredible speed, precision and clarity. I’ve heard amps with fast leading edges (some attribute this to high slew rate), I’ve heard amps with very clean ones (lack of distortion and ringing). The Essence delivers a combination of fast and clean that is truly exceptional, and perhaps close to the state of the art. Every impulse and note attack hits you with perfect timing and delineation, then decay with similarly impeccable control. By comparison, amps like the Pass Labs that struck me as very pure have a bit of fuzz to them. Ever listen to an AM radio station when the signal gets weak, and all the starts and stops of sounds get staticky and fuzzy? There was a bit of that feeling going back to other amps in my system... no, they weren’t literally fuzzy and distorted. It’s just that the Essence amp sounds exceptionally lithe and clean, removing an extremely subtle layer of distortion that became difficult to un-hear in other amplifiers. 

Coming from the Pass XA30.5, the Essence’s midrange was less overtly warm but even more substantive in tone. The Pass is certainly on the warm and lush side for a solid state amp, but past Gryphons I’ve heard had their own dose of chocolatey richness, so I was initially surprised by the balance of the Essence. It has the midrange density and lush tonal colors I was expecting from a Class A Gryphon amp, and yet it also sounds close to dead neutral in character. There’s a crystalline transparency that makes everything else sound a bit cloudy by comparison. Class A amps usually get the tonal part right, but can sound a bit sluggish or rounded dynamically; Class AB amps often have great transient speed but with some roughness around the edges and a bit of tonal hollowness. The Essence backs its exceedingly snappy and clean transients with real tonal substance and an infinite palette of realistic tonal colors. It can simultaneously preserve the gravitas of a string bass ostinato, the glowing warmth of a French horn, the delicate nasality of an oboe and the ethereal lightness of a flute all in balance. Orchestral recordings have never sounded this vivid and realistic in my home.

An interesting display of the amp’s prowess was in violinist Hilary Hahn’s recording of the Vieuxtemps Violin Concerto (Qobuz). The album also contains Mozart’s popular “Turkish” concerto which probably gets most of the plays; the Vieuxtemps is infrequently performed and mostly known by violinists as a sort of advanced student concerto (yes, my teacher made me study it). Vieuxtemps was a Belgian virtuoso of the romantic era and while the concerto has its charms, its orchestration is rather clunky. This actually made for a fascinating sonic experience in the concerto’s orchestral exposition, where different instruments pass melodic fragments back and forth in somewhat disjointed fashion rather than the more cohesive harmonization and counterpoint you’d get from a German master. A flute here, a clarinet there, a timpani roll or violin flourish coming and passing - the Essence conveyed each one with striking clarity and trueness of timbre and dynamics, arranging all the instruments across the stage in perfect proportion. So much of the feel of an instrument lies not just in its tonal makeup but the shape and feel of its notes - the reedy breathiness of a clarinet, the ringing “bong” of a timpani, the firm attack of a trumpet, the brush stroke of a violin. This is where the Essence’s leading-edge precision and lack of electronic haze help it truly evoke the feeling of sitting on the stage with the musicians, each and every instrumental entrance having that tactile realism.

Having been a classmate’s of Ms. Hahn’s I also have first-hand experiences of her playing, and the Essence strongly evoked memories of hearing her performing in recitals or practicing in our conservatory. Though we were both teenagers at the time, she had already developed her distinctive tone and focused intensity, and hearing that reproduced so vividly through the Essence and Audiovector speakers is uncanny.

The frequency extremes of the Essence amp, particularly in combination with the Essence preamp, are also something special - the crazy-wide specified bandwidth of Gryphon components is no joke. The speed and tautness and slam of the bass brings realistic clarity to the foundation of the music. It’s bass that I like to call “sneaky” for the way it doesn’t unduly call attention to itself, but then will come out and smack you in the face as in a live event. Instruments like string bass or contrabassoon are naturally portrayed in the orchestration, rather than getting buried in the mix. The top end is extended and articulate, capable of bringing out all the energy and brilliance of string, brass and percussion instruments, and yet certain recordings that tend towards brightness actually sound warmer and smoother than I've heard before. It sounds so pure and free from distortion, so that if there’s any distortion already present on the recording it does nothing to aggravate it. Sibilants and tape hiss and clipping are still there, yet come across less obtrusively, making them easy to tune out in favor of the music. 

Case in point: the DSD remaster of Strauss Don Juan, recorded in 1958 by the Cleveland Orchestra under George Szell (Qobuz). My wife and I have listened to this recording dozens if not hundreds of times and while the performance is riveting, the recording quality has always been a bit hissy and strident. My wife asked to listen to it again on the Gryphon setup for study purposes and halfway through I remarked, "does this recording sound a lot less bright to you?" She concurred - we had never heard it sound so clean and natural, and for the first time I didn't notice the tape hiss at all. The Gryphon gear really does excel at extracting the essence of the musical performance locked in the recording, neither artificially filtering nor amplifying the distractions of its mechanical limitations. I’ve heard far too many ultra high-end systems that need absolutely pristine audiophile material to sound their best. With the Gryphons, every recording in my collection has never sounded more distinguished and compelling.

The sense of space that the Essence preamp conveyed with other amplifiers becomes even stronger in combination with the Essence amp. I have never heard the different sections of a symphony orchestra arranged so palpably. Winds and percussion have clearly delineated space behind the string section, and delicate clarinet solos that are typically a bit hazy in recordings are conveyed with both clarity and intimacy. There’s something about the Essence’s blend of clean transients, tonal rightness and harmonic resolution that bring out the distinct ambience and texture of each recording - the aural equivalent of the “mouth feel” of a wine. Going back to otherwise excellent amps makes everything feel a bit more homogenous, a hair less stimulating.

There are a couple of potential shortcomings to call out, and they may be interrelated. The first is that the bass in combination with the Audiovector speakers isn’t quite as hard-hitting as with, say, the 600wpc Class D Legacy iv2, or as what I heard with the Gryphon Diablo 300 integrated; nor is it as plump and room-filling as with the Pass XA30.5. Quality-wise it’s exceptional - fast and deep and pitch-perfect in ways they can’t match - but sometimes I just want it to fill out the space a bit more and punch me in the gut a little harder. I mostly miss this when listening to pop tracks, e.g. anything from Billie Eilish where the raw punch of the Legacy amp factors more strongly than the n-th degree of refinement from the Gryphon.

The other nit is that the soundstage, while vividly painted, feels a bit less “generous” than bigger-sounding amps like the Legacy or Pass Labs, or the Gryphon Diablo for that matter. There’s a bit more emphasis on the precise constituency of an orchestra, as opposed to its sheer scale - a little more of the trees, a little less of the forest. To some, this may make the Essence feel a hair light in presentation, despite its rich and layered midrange.  Ears I trust tell me moving up the Gryphon line to the Antileon EVO or Mephisto can give you the best of both worlds, but those are obviously at increasingly exorbitant price points. 

I’ll need to try tweaking these area of reproduction more (e.g. cables), but as it currently stands, I could see the Essence best matching with speakers that are tonally richer and a bit less critically damped on the bottom end, vs. requiring care with something leaner and more laser-focused. It’s slightly lean with some recordings on the Audiovectors, and I’d definitely want to check before paring it with the likes of a Magico. It goes without saying that when you get to this level of fidelity (and cost), you should expect to spend a fair amount of time and effort on component matching.

As a side note, I was able to further extend the capabilities of the Essence via Furutech’s DPS-4.1 power cord (custom built with 20A connectors) and DSS-4.1 speaker cables. These upped the clarity and transparency yet another notch or three, opened up dynamics further and created a wider sense of space on recording after recording. I’ll have more on these excellent cables and how they synergize with the Gryphons in a future installment.

Capturing the Essence

It’s been challenging pinning down the character of the Essence system, the amp in particular. Even more so than other great Class A amps I’ve heard, including from Gryphon, the Essence amp has a combination of purity, openness, refinement, clarity, speed and dynamic life that defy the usual idiosyncrasies and limitations of Class A vs. AB vs. D. It’s dynamically fleet, rhythmically incisive, tonally sophisticated, dimensionally resolving, and sneakily powerful and punchy. In combination with the superb companion preamp, it uncovers a sense of space in virtually every recording I throw at it with greater detail and palpability than I’ve heard before, without seeming artificially holographic like some tube amps. The tonal purity and resolving power of this pair are simply at a level I have rarely experienced anywhere at any price. Moreover, the name “Essence” couldn’t be more apt - all these sophisticated qualities are squarely focused on conveying the beauty and quirks of the original recording without need for enhancement or editorializing to make it enjoyable. The closest aural recollection I have of this sort of musical resolution was the MSB Reference + Magico M3 system at RMAF 2018, which had a significantly superior DAC and a total cost approaching $300k. 

As for the price... well, I can say that the monies spent on a piece by The Gryphon clearly go towards obsessive engineering and craftsmanship in the service of state-of-the-art music reproduction, rather than ostentation or frivolous excess. This is musical fidelity of the highest order, and my new reference in amplification.

[eve-mega-theory]

My theory on Eve’s MVs, from Sister to Raison D’etre

People have asked, and since no one else has yet (and since I’ve always wanted to do it), I’ve went and put together a theory that connects all of Eve’s MVs into a single large narrative about the cycle of depression. Since I go over every song in-depth, and each song is filled with detail and complexity, it’s long. I actually had to skip over a lot of little details making this, because if I did the length would just get out of hand. Also keep in mind that I’m not assuming my theory to be the “one true meaning.” I just took a lot of personal meaning from this series, and its portrayal of depression and how to overcome it has helped me immensely. I want to do these videos, which are clearly labors of love, some justice.

*I’m going to put time stamps for the other songs to make things easier to follow. It's not required, but I recommend that you rewatch the previous songs as you read.

**Each of the early videos have a dominant color to them, which is often used in later MVs to subtly reference them, which I’ve listed next to the title.

Sister (Red):

The first Eve MV released was Demon Dance Tokyo, but I believe the 1st, and arguably most important video in the timeline is Sister. The MC suffers from severe depression throughout the series, and this is where it originated from. His sister died in an accident while he was young, and he was overcome with guilt that he was so distant from her while she was alive. He felt like this happened because he was rotten to the core, with him declaring that even if he went back in time, he still would've made the same mistakes, because that's just the kind of person he is. He ends up repressing those memories to deal with the guilt, and he becomes distant from people. The video's expressed entirely through notebook paper and paper mache because as a child, the MC was fond of drawing and sketching, and used this to cope with these difficult times and express himself.

Chocolate Town (Brown):

This song’s pretty easy to miss, as it’s under the account of the artist “Sou,” who did many collaborations with Eve in the past. It’s sung by Sou, but written by Eve, and it shares too many similarities with his city-scape series to be ignored. It fits perfectly in between “Sister” and “Demon Dance Tokyo.” There’s a large time skip between the two songs, in which the MC goes from grief-stricken child to selfish teenager, and this song fills in that gap, making for a more seamless transition. His appearance here is more similar to that of “Sister” (0:15), as he tries to live the way he used to. The world is no longer a rose-tinted explosion of color, but a uniform chocolate brown, more sickening and suffocating than sweet (0:51). He doesn’t experience new things anymore, he just stays in his comfort zone and drowns himself in the things he knows, as he’s locked in place by a vague apprehension that eats away at him (0:21). He’s suppressed the memory of his sister, but the guilt remains. That guilt leaves him unable to connect with people the way he used to, out of fear of hurting or being hurt. The ‘book of spells’ from Nonsense Literature is referenced, as the MC keeps the deeper parts of his heart locked away (1:30). As he grows distant, his friends do the same (“Mason does seem quite superstitious,” which you could take to mean the MC’s real name is Mason) [0:32].  He tries to just ignore it and go with the flow (0:36), but it’s not enough. The tries to drown himself in desire to ignore the pain he’s feeling (1:10). Deep down he knows it’s wrong, but the guilt he feels keeps him trapped (1:15). 

In the second half of the song, it’s revealed that after Ano Ko Secret, the MC successfully worked up the courage to talk to the blue haired girl, and a friendship formed (2:00). As shown in later MVs, the two would play on the playground together, and we see here that even during this difficult time, the MC felt complete when he was with her. Even so, here she’s obscured in chocolate, showing that the MC is unable to see outside his own problems. Because of his selfishness, he’s unable to connect and they grow apart (2:08). Losing her hurts him, as he lost the only real friend he had left, so all that’s left to him is his suffocating city of chocolate (2:30). He tries to just keep enjoying his little comforts and joys (2:45), but it’s not enough as his “heart is destitute” (3:08). His pain and guilt continues to eat away at him from the inside. Being alone isn’t enough for him, and he won’t let himself truly connect with other people. Combine that with his focus on simple pleasures, and it’s no surprise that he turns to being on top of the ‘social heirarchy’ as a teenager in “Demon Dance Tokyo.” 

Demon Dance Tokyo (Green):

This song depicts 3 people touring around Tokyo, dressed in the finest clothes and dining on the finest food. In actuality, this city is in the MC's head, and is a metaphorical manifestation of his psyche. That's the style and layout of this series, they all take place in the MC's head, and almost all are in a city that changes from song to song to reflect his mental state. In this case, he sees this touristy, trendy world because he's like a desperate tourist, trying to run away from his problems by flying off somewhere else and drowning in the superficial; food, parties, clothes, women, etc. Since he repressed his guilt over his sister's death, this is how he chases happiness; by running away from that guilt and chasing materialistic fulfillment. Relationships to him are the same way. He just chases after people who look trendy and beautiful to him, and puts on a fake mask to appear cool. That greed is personified by his crocodile form dining on the women and the massive Godzilla towering over the city. He wants to be above everyone. At 2:40 of that song, his undercurrent of loneliness takes over, as it often does, because those kinds of relationships never last. At 2:57, that loneliness overcomes him, making him desperate. He's still selfish and bad at relationships, but he swears to one girl that he'll be her everything on matter what. This leads into the next song....

Nonsense Literature (Black):

This is where things really get bad for the MC. Out of desperate loneliness, he tries to get into a serious relationship with this girl (maybe one of the girls from the last song), but he doesn’t really know how to connect with people anymore, putting thick mental walls between them. Despite regularly meeting with the girl, he doesn't really know her at all,which is why she has a cone on her head throughout the video. As a result, their relationship is no more than "becoming idiots, dancing on air," so it doesn't take long for them to start fighting and disagreeing, at 1:16. Since he refuses to open up to her, he starts to feel trapped and bitter around her, becoming paranoid at 1:29, and eventually believing she's taking advantage of him and lying to him, that she doesn't understand him at all, that he doesn't even understand himself, that he might be going a bit crazy, but they keep hanging out, during 1:42. At 2:00, he can't take it anymore. "I lost my composure when you laughed at me in scorn;" either he was genuinely betrayed by her or he just misunderstood. Either way, that betrayal severely damages him, and depression takes over hard. While you see many tiny dancing demons throughout these MVs, the main face of his depression is the mysterious cloaked One-Eyed Man. He essentially acts as the devil on his shoulder, feeding him all the worst ideas, telling him to protect only himself, morality be damned, and believing that he's doing it for his sake, that he's protecting him. In this case, he uses this moment of weakness after his betrayal to take control of the MC. He rips his guts out, opens up his head, and stuffs it with books. It’s the same as whispering into his ear "you don't need people, they'll only hurt you. You don’t need this world, it will only hurt you. I’m all you need. Use this sharpened blade of words to ensure no one will ever do this to you again." The MC, smiling, gratefully accepts. He cuts ties with that girl, as well as the rest of the world. He's become a monster: safe, but empty.

Dramaturgy (Light Blue):

This one is basically "depression the song." This time the world is like a stage play, with the MC being an actor. After shutting himself out from the world, he's lonelier than ever before, his self esteem skyrocketed down, and his life has come to a screeching halt. He no longer even feels human. Every day is a struggle just to keep on living. By making the whole world into the enemy, he's incapable of revealing any of himself to them, disassociating to the point that he might as well be just an actor wearing a mask. He's trapped even within the safety of his own mind. If you act only how everyone wants you to act all the time, eventually you feel like there are actual physical walls all around you. It's exhausting to keep up, and you start to forget who you are. He’s also developed an inferiority complex, and a fear of other people. He just doesn’t want to be betrayed again. At 2:13, he wants to reach a climax where he breaks out of these walls around him, but he can't do it, because he NEEDS them, they’re there to protect him. The One-Eyed Man makes sure he never forgets this. At 3:28, we get a kaleidoscope zoom-in to the MC's psyche, which stops at a floating white cube. These cubes contain him at his deepest level, his fundamental perception of himself. His hopelessness, and the One-Eyed Man's words have reached to his very core and torn him apart at the deepest level. At 3:48, he's lost himself. He likely becomes a shut-in at this point as well, only doing the most basic necessities and heading straight to his room when he gets the chance.

As You Like It (Yellow):

You might’ve noticed that although yellow’s the most prevalent, this MV has plenty more color to offer. It's probably the most colorful so far even. Not only that, the pacing's way faster, the music more upbeat. Why would this come immediately after the most depressing and hopeless song yet? That's because this song is in the MC's imagination, like a daydream. While he's lost almost all hope, trapped in his own head and unable to move forward, he's still able to cling to hope by escaping reality into this fantasy. In this escapist world, he's cooler, a popular musical artist, singing his heart out to a big crowd. And he's able to conquer his fears, deal with his stresses, and connect with a girl the way he wishes he could. After all, while he doesn’t let himself connect with others out of fear, whether he realizes it or not,he just wants to be loved and understood. So he makes up this ideal fantasy girl with perfect fashion taste (0:03), who can do that for him. In the song, he represses his true self in the form of the Glove-Mask Man so that he can deal with life’s stresses (which hit him one after the other at 0:35, and are symbolized by the rocket taking off at 0:22), and he disassociates, literally splitting into two people. He starts to struggle against him (1:33) so that his honest self can reach her, and he finally pulls it off at the end, her responding with a wholehearted smile (3:26). A perfect conclusion. Thing is, his ideal girl is a reflection of reality as well. The playground at 0:28, where he wishes he could go back to his childhood memories, partly shows that he’s letting his past drag him down, but he also describes talking with this girl in memories of old, because he had a real-life friend when he was young that he would talk with at a similar playground. She is his goal in these dreams, because he never forgot those times they had together, and he has subconsciously idealized her as a result. On a sadder note, this fantasy also confirms that he’s become a shut-in in reality, as we see him lock himself away in his room (1:02). That’s what he wishes he could escape from. Regardless of the truth behind the scenes, this dream of his gives him hope that he’ll get through this difficult time.

Outsider:

Now we leave the escapism and return to the MC’s mind he’s trapped in. All the past colors come into play here, as we see that the only color in his world comes from these past scars and experiences. He can’t see anything else, he’s painted by them. The test tubes everywhere (0:59) show that he's genuinely trying to deal with his pain by organizing and compartmentalizing it, and by grasping onto hope with his fantasy, he's able to get by. But he's not at all perfect at it, with his little demon-monsters knocking over test-tubes and purposely painting each other. The pipes everywhere all lead to his brain, with each of them pumping these experiences and memories into him. It’s like they’re in his blood stream, a part of him. These pipes also nourish past monsters, like the Godzilla monster depicting his narcissism. He’s come to hate these less desirable parts of himself, so at 1:30 he tries to just break the tubes to sever that part of him, but that just breaks the overall flow, flooding his brain with black, bringing him back to square one. You can’t just get angry at yourself and remove all your flaws. It takes immense time and dedication. This accidental overflow causes some of the monsters to transform into even worse forms. At 3:02 he's sitting next to an especially nasty-looking demon, shaded black and red. This demon is a reminder that his refusal to confront his guilt toward his sister is at the heart of all of this. He keeps struggling with himself, hating himself, and he won’t tackle the fundamental problems. But at least he’s fighting. The last lyric "because this tiny bit of courage will ignite the fire in my heart," shows that just by being aware of the struggle, he's trying to change and improve, he's not giving up.

Tokyo Ghetto:

This song takes place after a lot of time has passed. His cityscape is more dilapidated and volatile. Now, instead of the One-Eyed Man, the prime demon in control is the blue robot with the teeth mask. The robot symbolizes anxiety, a primal, damn near uncontrollable feeling which desires to keep him here by any means. He’s always watching, and he’s not afraid to get physical against the MC when push comes to shove. The shady-looking people in the town are extensions of that anxiety, individual worries and fears. This is why the town is more colorful, yet somehow more harsh and uninviting. All this time has allowed the anxiety to get in his head, to drive his imagination wild and fill his heart with more and more worries. He wants to believe these worries are on his side, but they just want the easiest path(1:41), they don’t give a damn about his wishes. The MC makes meager attempts to escape from the hell of his own mind, always being swiftly pulled back into a never-ending cycle (0:40). After a long while of this, he meets a girl who he sees much of himself in, and he reaches out to someone for the first time in a long while, in the hopes of maybe being saved by her (1:02). Problem is, she acts the same way he used to back in Tokyo Dance, and he winds up getting a taste of his own medicine. Every time he tries to get close to her, she just pushes him away. Like him, she’s actually hiding pain from the past too; she just refuses to show it (2:01, “it was sentimental, though it wasn’t like you at all) . At 2:40, we get a full glimpse into her mind. Many pairs of her shoes are bound together all around her, symbolizing that day after day she ties herself down, and the holy statue behind her symbolizes her holier-than-thou attitude. At 2:55, she happily bites into one of those shoes, drawing her own blood. She hasn’t yet learned that her self-destructive lifestyle isn’t the right way to go. At 2:59, we see their two psyches summed up perfectly. The girl, shrouded in darkness, putting up a cool front and slowly losing herself, standing confidently all the while. The MC, aware that he’s in a bad place, but desperately groveling, searching for any kind of escape at all. Without being able to find solace in the girl, shadows grow, the town floods, monsters come out of the sewers, the Blue Robot gathers his power (2:55). The MC’s anxiety is bubbling up as his desperation to find an escape increases. He’s pinned down by the water (symbolizing stress and struggle to change), and with the girl out of his reach, merely electing to watch him crumble, the Blue Robot is free to strike with all his might, revealing his true, monstrous form (3:48). The MC, in his weakened state, is torn to bits, reduced to trash (4:01). He’s back to square one, and the cycle begins again. He remains trapped in the Tokyo Ghetto.

Ambivalent:

After being trapped in that cycle for so long, the MC decides that he needs to do some serious soul searching. He looks deep into his subconscious, deeper than any song that’s come before. He peers all the way into his basic, fundamental outlook on life, to try to get to the heart of the problem. Keep in mind that he’s not trying to commit to any real action; he’s just introspecting, trying to take a look at his core values. This world is split in two sectors: the safe pink room, where his heart and memories lie, and the planet, which symbolizes change and reality, or rather his perception of it. He’s been resting in the pink room, stagnant, for so long that everything is overgrown, and his heart is weak, without motivation. Even resting is exhausting for him, something he’s only able to do thanks to his yellow wheelchair representing his hopes (As You Like It). The MC wants to understand why he can’t venture out onto that planet. Every time he tries, it’s a labyrinth of endless signs all telling him to stop and turn back. The plants themselves attack and hurt him. It’s a volatile world full of unknowns and hostiles. The source of this hostility is the disagreement between him and the cat, who's with him at all times here (1:26). Believe it or not, this cat is the One-Eyed Man’s true form. He doesn’t appear mysterious or “all-seeing” because the MC is self-aware of the One-Eyed Man’s influence, and he’s just thinking in the safety of his room; the One-Eyed Man has no power without perceived danger. He’s a cat because he represents the primal part of us from long before humanity developed complicated cognitive ability and intelligence. He only cares about the MC's safety and desires, and doesn’t give a damn about anything or anyone else. He was always watching, acting as the hidden voice behind every decision. When the MC wanted to run away from the pain of his sister's death (Sister), he helped him. When the MC desired safety from the world above all else (Nonsense Literature), he granted it to him. When he struggled with depression (Dramaturgy), deep down that desire never actually left. When that desire became the core of his being, the cat even created the Blue Robot as a sort of "hired muscle" to keep the MC in check for his own good. Despite the awfulness of the One-Eyed Man's actions, he’s just granting the MC's wishes. He genuinely cares about the MC and wants what’s best for him; that’s why he’s so cute and small. But the MC has been blaming him for all of his problems, without understanding his own responsibility in the matter, leaving them at an impasse (1:26). They both come to understand their disagreement with the words: “when I was a kid, I picture myself as a main protagonist in this world. I started to get embarrassed so I turned my eyes away.” (1:36). He's finally come to accept and understand his share of the blame, rather than just blaming the cat. His hair being green here could also show that he never truly grew past his selfishness after all this time. He begins to recall all the things he’s taken for granted and ignored in his life, and he realizes he wants to protect them (1:48). He doesn’t want to just be selfish, he wants to live for their sakes and be useful to them. Now that they’re talking on even terms, the cat can understand his desire for selflessness and gives him a match. They've agreed to stop letting memories of fear and pain that have long since passed guide their every move, so they burn them away (2:00). Those times won’t disappear, but it doesn’t mean they can’t move beyond them. The cat now realizes he was being overprotective, and that the MC can make his own decisions, so he decides to try and get out of his way (2:15). The MC's world is no longer centered around his own desire; he can see the 'bigger picture' (2:24). But while the cat is taking a more reserved role in his life, he didn't completely disappear (2:55). After all, desire is what gives our lives meaning. The difference is that the two are now a pair bringing out the best in one another, a balanced mix of selflessness and desire. Now that they’re in agreement, a world of possibilities is open to them, and the MC is ready to reach out and grab them, and begin his life again (3:01).

Last Dance:

The MC has now returned to the outer layers of his mind, and he wants to turn his newfound paradigm shift into action. Due to this shift, the city’s layout has gotten more realistic, lively, elegant, and inviting, far closer to the real world. He and his demons are hiding from it all at the center of his mind, a small, comfy room resting above a black center (2:32). This is to show that the MC is aware that the real world wasn't the problem; his own outlook was. His nails are being painted red by a demon to show how long he’s been letting these memories paint him without fighting back (0:22). He doesn’t blame them though, he understands himself and how this all came to be, so he gives one of his demons a hug (0:25). The room is more organized and homey to reflect his understanding. But he sees how small his world has been, and he wants to try and get out. He’s decided what he wants to do, but still easily comes apart when trying to move (0:37). He's put back together, revived by the support of the One-Eyed Man, who's lost his overbearing, omnipresent appearance, and learned to keep his dark side more under control (0:41). It's possible he's even taken on 3 different forms simultaneously, to reflect how both he and the MC now understand his multifaceted nature (0:47, 1:00, and 1:03). So the MC is spiritually strong, but he still unravels in the face of anxiety. At 0:33, he says “with different values, that guy who I hate put on a ridiculous sneer," referring to the Blue Robot, his main enemy. Even though the One-Eyed Man created the Blue Robot, it was never in his control. Anxiety doesn't think for itself; it's a raw, unfiltered emotion that carries out its objective long after its needed. The MC can't beat it alone, even with the One-Eyed Man's help. He realizes he absolutely needs the support of others if he’s going to move forward, and he needs a goal to get him moving in the short-term. He recalls the thing that’s given him hope for all this time, the person who was at the center of all his hopes for tomorrow, and the person he wants to protect most (1:52). It was a girl who spent time with him back when his sister first died. He was in a dark place and full of guilt, and that girl’s kindness gave him hope. But he drifted apart from her due to feeling guilty that he didn’t deserve to be around someone like her, that he would only get in her way. But he always idealized her, and those memories kept him going long after they stopped meeting. The elegant woman dancing is his perception of that memory (1:52). She’s also the girl from As You Like It, but that version of her was only a fantasy he himself didn’t even realize was based on her. She’s here because he only now consciously realized this, and he wants to reach out to her again and start over, without being selfish or afraid. Now fully motivated, he vows to be like “the melancholic patients who chose tomorrow,” and venture out into the world in spite of fear (2:12). He’s taking a leap of faith, venturing on a thin balance beam along with all his demons (3:02-3:32). Obviously they won’t really leave, since they’re a part of his psyche now. He has to understand and accept them, thereby rendering them harmless, or at least manageable. He reaches the girl (3:36), but before this point, he realized something about her. Notice that her hair is painted a light blue, the color of Dramaturgy? This means that throughout the song, upon examining his memories of her more closely, he realizes that she wasn’t as perfect as he was choosing to remember her. In reality, she was suffering too, and the reason they drifted apart so easily was because they both felt undeserving of each other. Deep down a part of him always knew, but when he gets a taste of the blue paint, (2:14) it's the first time he consciously considers the idea. When she tears off her hair and he gently caresses it, he accepts that her pain was real (3:15). He's finally taken the physical journey out of his mind, and he gives her a gentle, honest smile; a far cry from his actions in Demon Dance Tokyo (3:35). At 3:58, the One-Eyed Man gives the MC a book from Nonsense Literature, this time as an honest offering. The One-Eyed Man will help him through this new chapter as a partner, rather than a controlling force.

We’re Still Underground (Orange):

Now it’s time for the grand finale, We’re Still Underground, in which everything finally comes together in the most stunning video so far. This video marks the first time the MC has ever accepted the real physical world in the entire series. After Last Dance, he’s finally venturing outside of his room and moving forward again. As a result, this video is the real world mixed together with his mind. It’s almost like a fantasy world, filled with weird and unknown things. After all, in Last Dance he said “I will not understand everything right now,” but he’s still going to move forward. The camera shows reality, then pans down to the MC’s perception of things. His mind is now jaw-droppingly beautiful and full of color and life. The crows from Tokyo Ghetto are now beautiful pink birds, and big flying ‘monsters’ personify his newfound hope and optimism (0:14). The world is filled with vegetation and vines, similar to the blue planet from Ambivalent. Again, this is all new and uncertain to him, so it’s covered with the same vegetation. At 0:20, we see that much of the city is flooded, calling back to the water from Tokyo Ghetto. He’s moving forward, but much of the world is closed off to him due to that stress and worry. At 0:28, cloth being hung like laundry symbolizes how the MC is more collected and calm than before. We zoom into the house he’s spent so much time in, and it’s dark, overcrowded, and filled with masks symbolizing his mental journey (0:35). As an added bonus, his hair is orange, which is the color we’d often see in Outsider when all the colors were mixed together. He finally ventures out to fulfill a basic task, buying from a gas station, but even that proves to be a little too much. The people around him are shifty looking like in Tokyo Ghetto, and eventually a big octopus busts in and forces him to leave and settle for a vending machine (0:40). Both in the gas station and vending machine, you see the eye from the One-Eyed Man marking various items and signs, symbolizing that he’s using desire for the end goal and new things drive him forward (0:41, 0:43, and 0:46). The lyrics here are him wondering if he’s good enough for the girl he’s going to try and meet again, and deciding that if she’s hurting so much, then he needs to help her through it. Meanwhile, we finally learn who this girl he looks up to actually is. She looks very different from any version the MC had in his mind, dressing quite plain and modest, and having both blue hair and blue eyes, perhaps to symbolize her Dramaturgy-type depression. We learn that that song sums her up pretty well, but her depression still takes a somewhat different form from the MC. She’s not afraid to go out, but the life she’s living is completely dictated by other people. She’s afraid to do anything for herself. This is why she receives texts from the One-Eyed Man, and her world looks so realistic, dark, and rainy. She believes this is the only possible road for her, that THIS is reality. She’s like the opposite of the MC; she’s TOO selfless, and her One-Eyed Man, her desires, have taken on the form of everyone around her, as it believes that’s the safest route for her. She herself is empty. At 0:53, the playground is fenced off; no playtime allowed, your childhood doesn’t matter, your memories don’t matter, those times you played with the MC as kids (As You Like It) don’t matter. At 0:54, she sits in her house, dejected, the zombie poster behind her a good description for her mental state, and there’s a constant hue of water all around her. She always feels like she’s drowning, anxious that something about this isn’t right, that she’s about to lose herself. Meanwhile, MC is biking over to meet her (0:59), but they both end up falling into water (1:06), drowning in anxiety right at the moment before they both meet. Once they meet, they each see an answer in each other, a person to rely on in this difficult stage of their life. The two of them are then seen running toward a sort of junkyard of gold (1:26). Now that they see hope in one another, they are able to catch a glimpse of all the good things in life that they had taken for granted, ignored, treated as trash. Upon seeing it, they decide they want to move forward, and bite into an apple, symbolizing rebirth like Adam and Eve. They’re accepting this new chapter, and all the sin and desire and change that comes with it. For a moment, at 1:40, the girl sees the world the way MC does, with the beautiful monsters and rising bubbles everywhere. She’s inspired by his hope, and realizes she’s “still underground;” something needs to change.

At 1:44, the camera pans underground to show us a web of complex piping and overgrowth. It’s meant to call back to Outsider, and I think to show that while he’s moving on and changing, he still has an undercurrent of guilt with him. At 1:49, we see the girl surrounded by posters of people. They all have one eye; she doesn’t just feel oppressed and subservient to her loved ones, she also feels like she must be obedient to society’s whims as well. The lyrics here are calling back to everything that the MC went through in the past, especially Tokyo Ghetto at 1:55, where he remembers that giving up made him feel at ease, and that he feels helpless because of it. But his hopes and dreams (2:06) kept him believing in tomorrow. We see more shots of the duality between the two of them. At 2:15 we see the girl skateboarding on a bright green skateboard, rather out of place and spontaneous, hinting that she’s playing at embracing her individuality and optimism again. (Also, at 2:20 we see a poster of an apple with the One-Eye on it. This could further imply that rebirth and upheaval are what she truly desires deep down). The line at 2:22 “I’m not saying this as a joke, but everyone mocked me,” could imply that either his selfish, fake self of old would never be listened to by others, or that the demon residents of his mind aren’t going to help him (again calling back to Tokyo Ghetto). At 2:21, both characters’ strong desires for change finally manifest in a Matrix-style “red pill, blue pill” choice. They now have to take a true leap of faith, and accept that their lives are going to change irreversibly from this point on. We don’t see them choose, but the line “It’s goodbye to this town,” speaks for itself. At 2:26, we get a badass shot of the pair as two halves of the same whole, perfectly in agreement on what must be done. They’ll support each other through what happens next. At 2:28 we see a massive protest from the less agreeable parts of his mind, likely people from Tokyo Ghetto and on the far left the glove man from As You Like It. The billboards say “No,” and “Give Up,” and some have the One-Eye on them, perhaps a plea for the One-Eyed Man to return to their side. At 2:31, the MC and girl are seen spraying graffiti in direct rebellion to everyone, perhaps a last burst of courage before making the big choice. At 2:35 we see the MC abandon his bike in a carnival, perhaps a last goodbye to his naive childhood and an acceptance of adulthood. At 2:36 we see the girl with an umbrella in the rain, which is meant to further connect her to As You Like It. At 2:45, the pair has made their choice, and the town begins its massive upheaval. At 2:51, the two are back in the playground they used to play at, swinging way up in a leap of faith, looking toward the skies. At 3:00, “there will be no rerun,” this is the moment. At 3:08, he vows not to avert his eyes anymore, to accept whatever life throws at him without running away. At 3:13, the pair move up toward the future, toward the skies. The line at 3:18 is extremely important, as the MC directly calls back to when the two were young at the playground. He remembers how the guilt they both felt kept them from relying on one another, and while he treasures the friendship they had, he wants to make sure they never grow apart like that again. 3:23 is them coming to fully understand where they went wrong at that playground, and where they went wrong after they drifted apart. The MC’s mind is filled with symbolism; books from Nonsense Literature, birds for his greed and overactive mind, board game pieces for his attempts to distract himself and shun other people, every-day appliances for his focus on basic survival rather than true living, the list goes on. The girl, however, is completely empty, just an empty husk with no will of her own. They vow that while they’ll always be imperfect, they never want to return to this state of being. They cast aside these fake, improper forms they’ve made for themselves. At 3:36, we get to see VCR tape footage, a clear sign that this is in the past, showing sketches the two shared at that playground as kids. This calls directly back to Sister’s paper notebook style. Sketching was how the MC expressed himself as a kid, so it was deeply personal for him, and it looks like for the girl too. The images of a monster boy and a magical girl with horns come across as cries for help and a desire to escape, but neither of them realized the other’s suffering. This was where it all began, at a time where neither of them really understood what was happening to them; they were just kids. The VCR tape then shuts off, we see flashes of the town, and a messy drawing of the MC saying “goodbye.” He’s finally made peace with himself, he accepts the mistakes he made, he’s saying goodbye to that naive child that was behind every decision of his, and moving on. At 3:51, the two are played in reverse, undoing the damage they’ve been causing to themselves. This is a goodbye to their self-destructive tendencies. The line “wait for the 1, 2 signal,” directly calls back to As You Like It, and how once they get the ball rolling, things are going to happen really damn fast, and they need to be ready for it. 4:03 is the epic climax, where the Blue Robot, anxiety, once again appears in a last-ditch effort to stop the two. He’s not in control anymore, and he knows this, so he reveals his true form: a massive, feral, insane, uncontrolled mess of fear that wrecks havoc all across the city, almost like it’s willing to destroy the whole thing if it has to. The two are prepared, and together they run with everything they’ve got. At 4:14, we see masses of planes dropping hellfire on the beast in an attempt to quell it. Perhaps this is the One-Eyed Man, dropping in one last bit of support for the two. Maybe it’s a show that the pair now has more control over their minds, and are finally able to fight back against the entities that used to control them. Whichever it is, it’s enough to save them, and at 4:21 the sun rises, the two safe and sound overlooking the now destroyed city. At 4:23, the cube from Dramaturgy, their core, is perfectly fine, showing that they’ll get through this massive upheaval intact. At 4:25, we see that amidst the destruction, a massive tree has sprouted up, symbolizing rebirth. Perhaps this tree was able to sprout up from the piping underneath, meaning that the two making peace with themselves allowed their pasts to finally stop clogging up their brains. Finally, the video rewinds to before their upheaval, and we see the MC’s room, this time in the real world, no strings attached. We’ve finally been shown the real life setting for the vast majority of the MVs. Not long after, the MC pukes up darkness, which is a little nod to the fact that while the world itself wasn’t technically real, the pain and struggle he was going through certainly was.

This World To You:

This song is like the epilogue of the MC’s journey. He’s overcome his inner cycle which has kept him trapped for all this time, learned to empathize and think things through (2:07), and he’s now able to confront the feelings that were at the core of this struggle all along: his guilt toward his sister. During a beautiful purple sunset, he’s bicycling through the vivid new world open to him, grieving for her and accepting that “her tomorrow’s never coming” (0:48). This acceptance hurts him (0:31), and at first it even feels like he’d rather things just remain the way they are, (0:37) but it’s the only way he can learn from his mistakes and become someone she’d be proud of. He thinks from the newly found perspective he has, and seeing things more objectively, more selflessly, he wonders how similar her life was to his (1:11). He’s seeing his sister not as a vague, hazy image built up in his head made up of his worries, anxieties, and guilt, but as a normal person, with their own worries, feelings, problems, and dreams. By empathizing with his sister, coming to terms with the improper image of her he built up in his head, he’s able to move on, and empathize with other people in a similar way. By doing this, he no longer has reason to be afraid of the world out there, and he can start to reach other people’s hearts, learning from the mistakes he made in the past. Instead of wallowing in remorse over his sister, he can be someone she’d be proud of, and help other people who are hurting in the way he couldn’t with her. This spurs him on, and although the fact that she died so early is a fact he’ll always carry with him (1:52), he’s found a hope for tomorrow he’s needed all his life (2:14). However, he also accepts that death and pain is always a possibility (2:20), and that things won’t always go his way. But instead of fall into despair, he’s able to believe that things will get better, and that he has the power to make them better, reflected in the beautiful vista filled with sea creatures swimming in the sky (2:38). The creature at 2:39 is elegant, beautiful, a sight to behold, vividly painted by all sorts of colors, a callback to Underground. Its face also looks similar to the girl he’s managed to reach, symbolizing that reaching her is one of the cores of his hope. Throughout the video, we see the city to change to reflect the MC’s stream of consciousness. At (0:02), the MC is recovering from the wreckage after the mental battle in Underground, and he’s dealing with the grief of his sister, and as he comes to terms with it, the buildings gradually get cleaner and more structured, eventually colored with lights of his empathy and understanding. At (1:51), he continues to change toward hope and acceptance, and he moves toward an industrial zone, reflecting how the city is moving forward, springing back from this change stronger than ever, rebuilding and even adding new zones and structure. At (2:12), we see the sign “think it through,” as a reminder that the one-eyed man, once a force he saw as evil, is now a friend, working with him to overcome his anxieties and fears. The signs throughout the city spatter negativity like “arrogant” and “pathetic” and “regret,” but are now mixed in with “hope” and “future” and “I would put a flag here.” Then at (2:37), his hope is stronger than ever.  Then finally, the MC’s empathy and selflessness is made manifest in a way it never has been before. At  (3:01), the MC’s city seamlessly transitions into the perspective of the girl, and at (3:20) it beautifully changes into the girl’s more realistic view of the city. By empathizing with and reaching her, part of her perspective has now become his, as he’s able to learn from her and see things more objectively. He’s come to terms with his guilt, and allowed himself to truly connect with someone. By doing this, the world has opened up to him, and he’s finally able to become a part of society. He has made it.

Baumkuchen End:

At this point the MC has managed to enter society and step into the real world without running away (0:09 and 0:16). Rather than monsters of anxiety and fear, everyone he sees are normal people just like him. However, things aren’t going quite how he thought they would. He’s not afraid anymore (0:46), but he feels surprisingly empty. The world is a little less vivid than Underground, and the MC’s hair has been colored white, blank and aimless. He’s realized that things are more complicated than he expected. He went through so much to overcome his mental hangups, and now that he’s succeeded, life is still going forward. He’s struggled with that mental cycle (symbolized by the orange and blue swirl at 0:57) for so long, that he’s having a hard time seeing past it, and he feels unsure what to do with himself now that the cycle which defined him for so long is gone (0:45, “there’s nothing left to do”). In Tokyo Ghetto, the reason he couldn’t escape from himself was that deep down, he didn’t really want to leave. Part of him wants to go back to that time where things made sense, and he could comfortably wallow in hopelessness and self-pity (0:30). It’s like he hoped that once he reached this point, the credits would roll and everyone would live happily ever after (0:34, “there seems to be no ‘critical hit,’” and 0:37, “I was expecting an answer,” and we see the MC’s many paths disappear in front of him, leaving a blank wall of vague white). Not only that, but the MC is having a harder time with empathy than he expected. He wants to see beyond himself, but his own limitations are getting in the way of that. His ego has swelled somewhat after his victory (0:41), against his better judgment. Whether he likes it or not, he’s not an omniscient being that can just teleport into other people’s perspectives and points of view; he’s a human being, with their own emotions and biases and egos, and he can only see other people through the cage of his own skin. At 0:24, he vents over this struggle, lamenting “it’s all about me,” feeling both “disgusted and separated.” He hates these limitations and how he’s growing apart from the girl he reached out to. He’s afraid of getting trapped in a never-changing rut in which he can’t reach anyone, never changes, and slowly loses himself again (symbolized by the optical illusion triangle surrounded by orange inside the MC. It’s a cycle, always moving further inward, never changing.) However, things are far from hopeless. The MC isn’t the kind to give up anymore. He’s grown, and he’s more self-aware of his predicament. Throughout the video he’s introspecting, thinking to himself (0:48) and refusing to look away from the problem (0:43, 0:29, 0:38, 0:46, all throughout the video). To deal with these newfound problems, rather than get complacent and give up, he’s decided to ‘go back to school’ (0:41 and 0:58) and accept that he still has a lot to learn, that he needs to keep improving. And this time he has plenty of help. All the sides of his mind that were once his enemies: the one-eyed man’s multiple sides, the black blob of terror, the anxiety bot, and the bull-faced man (which is a japanese symbol of young people’s perspective of society); now that he’s managed to reign them in and keep them in check, he understands that they’re a part of him and they’re not going away. So instead of shunning and hating them, he’s decided to teach them how to work together (0:58). And since they’ve always wanted to help him, they eagerly accept. Through this teacher-student relationship, he’s realizing that there’s a lot he can learn from them, and they can actually help him in positive ways, like a paradigm shift. They actually have more sides and depth to them than he realized, and by shunning and fighting them, he was suppressing important parts of himself needed to improve. For example, the MC let desire aimlessly control him for so long (1:10, a strong callback to the brown of Chocolate Town), that for the longest time he ran from and shunned it (1:12). However, that desire is actually needed to motivate oneself to learn and change. That’s why the MC’s other sides are now wearing brown (0:47), because they’re all painted by the MC’s personal desire to improve. Understanding this, at 1:15 the anxiety bot makes a “no” motion, to tell him that he shouldn’t run from it. Speaking of the anxiety bot, his appearance has changed; he looks more inviting and friendly, and isn’t defined by the blue of depression anymore. “Anxiety bot” isn’t really the right name anymore, now he should be called “Motivation bot” instead. Because of the MC’s paradigm shift, the bot isn’t focused on instilling fear anymore. It’s instead focused on giving the MC a desire to improve. Because he needs a little fear to put things into perspective and keep from getting caught in a rut. He needs that reminder that time is limited, and that if he doesn’t do something, he may very well end up lost and alone. They both believe in him and know he’s strong enough to manage, so they use that fear as drive to move forward. Anxiety’s been symbolized by water throughout these MVs, and we need water to survive, so the MC keeps it under control and make sure he only takes it in in small doses (symbolized by the water bottle at 0:44).

Now that all of this is in place, the MC can start to really confront and understand the problem. He decides that the main thing he wants motivating him is the fear that the girl is suffering, with him unable to reach her or help, basically a repeat of what happened all those years ago (1:16). He’s not going to let that happen, and we see him twirling a yellow key (1:23). This is a callback to the fantasy he dreamed up in As You Like It, and how he realizes the fight isn’t over, he still needs to make that dream real. He defiantly declares “I don’t care if it’s a lie” (1:24). He’s going to make it real. At 1:25 his other sides all proudly take the stage. This calls back to Dramaturgy, but now he’s not afraid of the stage, he embraces it confidently. Now, after deciding his next move (1:30), he takes action. His first step is to hear the girl’s perspective for himself, to ensure he doesn’t create a convenient image of her in his head like he did with his sister. At 1:33 he talks to her with the support of his other sides. He opens up to her, sharing his worries and fears (“when he gets annoyed with his daily routine, he wants to break it down”). He talks in the third person because he’s starting to look at himself without being as clouded by emotion. In response, she confides in him. She tells him that she’s still having a hard time, she’s not sure if she can manage through the day-to-day, desperately gripping the rails (1:42). At 1:45 we see a shot of stairs, symbolizing that she’s suffering an uphill battle, unable to see her destination. Not too different from the MC’s situation. The girl is in a hospital gown connected to an IV, calling back to the hospital theme of Last Dance. Whereas before she was an elegant light as he struggled sick in bed, now she’s the one who needs his help. He processes what she said (1:48), and realizes that of course just reaching out to her isn’t enough. She needs to be helped through her predicament. If anyone here’s played Persona, think social links. Just wanting to help isn’t enough. He needs to regularly make time for her, teach himself how to properly talk to her, and gain life experiences. Basically, before he can tell her how to improve her life, he needs to work to improve his OWN life, turn himself into someone she can look up to, instead of just wallowing in his uselessness. This snaps him back to reality, gets him out of his doldrum (1:52 “I was attacked by this helpless dizzy night”), and we even see him reading a self-help book. A little bonus detail, in the background of the train as the MC is fighting to improve himself, we see the girl from Tokyo Ghetto, wallowing in self-pity. Turns out letting herself be consumed by her bad habits didn’t work out so well, and now she’s all alone. It could also be the MC’s old self from Tokyo Ghetto, as a visual reminder of how far he’s come. Back on track, we see the MC visiting a bakery, and ordering a strange ring cake, a Baumkuchen (1:55). This cake appears throughout the MV, and is a visual metaphor for the MC’s current actions, and how his perspective has changed. The cake is visually similar to a tree trunk, and a tree is a symbol of strength. It lives for up to entire centuries, and almost nothing can bring it down. This is possible because of its incredibly sturdy trunk and roots dug deep into the ground. A tree has rings in its trunk as a marking of its age, and the more rings it has, the longer it’s lived. This means that the stronger and wiser a tree is, the more rings it will have. Quoting a Japanese chef who specializes in Baumkuchen, “The appeal of the cake is in its many layers. The layers represent the accumulation of happiness, making it a strong icon of luck.” Sound similar? So by purchasing this cake, he’s moved beyond the As You Like It fantasy in which he does one big thing and the credits roll. Now he understands that the story’s never really over. To keep himself from falling back into his old ways, he has to create a sturdy trunk out of many small rings. This means taking on positive habits and responsibilities that he continues constantly throughout his life; working a job, going to school, scheduling his time, learning to cook, reading books to learn. He seeks to keep getting more rings, making more roots, and never getting too set in his routine. He now understands that the battle is never truly over, and he can always improve more. That’s why he’s willing to jump off the building for the cake at 2:05, because he comes to accept its importance. Once he does that, everything clicks, and he sees the light again. At 2:08, the girl’s IV is juxtaposed against the beauty of the sky. At 2:15, the Motivation Bot acts as a sort of gatekeeper. He hears the MC’s newfound purpose, and allows him to move beyond his little apartment from 0:25. At 2:18, he becomes more self-aware. He sees the enormity of the world, and how much he has to learn, and he realizes that if he keeps assuming he’s done all he can then he won’t be able to keep up. At the same time, it’s beautiful, and full of opportunity. At 2:28, the other selves watch him with pride, and once things have sunk in, they’re there to calm him down and snap him back into reality. Now the MC’s learning from them. They listen intently, (2:33) and once he’s ready to fight to get his life together and reach the girl, the Motivation Bot gives him a big hearty throw to get him started (2:42). At 2:47 we see the chairs the MC had been resting on, painted orange and blue to symbolize his previous cycle of guilt and self-destruction. They’re now empty, as proof that the MC is finally setting himself up to move beyond that cycle. At 2:45 the girl’s anxiety and hopelessness coalesces into a teddy bear, a callback to Ano Ko Secret. This is a final challenge to the MC’s selfishness and childishness, something he must overcome to finally reach others. Since her pain is a reflection of his, he’s essentially fighting himself too, and the bear attacks him with a laser at 2:53, tearing down part of the red tower from Demon Dance Tokyo. If you remember, in that song the tower was a symbol of the MC’s memory of his sister. Now, it’s being damaged because if the MC can’t grow beyond his past mistakes, he won’t learn from the mistakes he made with his sister, and he won’t be doing her life justice. 2:54 calls back to the MC’s fall at the beginning of As You Like It, a symbol of his frustration and hopelessness toward his situation, but now when he hits the ground (2:59), he takes it in stride, grits his teeth, and keeps running. At 3:04, he uses everything to fight to reach the girl; the memory of his sister, the help of his other selves, his positive habits and drive to improve. At 3:14, for the first time, the girl’s eye is colored with orange, meaning the MC’s efforts have truly touched her. At 3:16, the MC successfully reaches the girl, with the help of all his other sides supporting him. He’s made it,  and at 3:20 the glove man from As You Like It gives him a round of applause. He’s sitting in the orange-blue chair, he’s nothing more than a dream. The MC has accepted that the battle doesn’t just end, made his dream real, and the glove man is proud of him for that. At the beginning of the video, at 0:19, the explosion from As You Like It rocked the MC and girl’s world, but this time he was ready for it, looked straight ahead, and overcame that trial he feared so much. The MC’s journey will continue, and he’ll be ready for whatever comes.

Raison D'etre: 

 The MC reached the girl, and that's deeply affected her. The MC realized he could only help her after helping himself. By being a living example of what she wishes to be, she not only knows she isn't alone, she's also starting to understand what she needs to do. This video is the first time we see solely in the girl's mind rather than the MC. Her outlook's changed from the pure blue of sadness to a mix of the black of discontent and the yellow of hope. As she leaves her now messy room, going about her daily routine, she starts to get lost in introspective thought, likely something she hasn't done in a long time. Her falling into the underground of her mind, it looks similar to Ambivalent. That's because we're looking deep in her subconscious mind, seeing her fundamental outlook. It's like the mind of a child; pieces of an amusement park, a mess of toys and blocks. Our previous looks at her were almost barren of imagination; grey, lifeless, mundane. But here it's full of color and life. This shows all her deeper emotions and hopes were buried deep down inside her, and she kept from becoming totally empty by making sadness her purpose, her identity. Atop it all, we see the queen of this place, an alternate version of her with her old all-blue color scheme. An imposing crescent moon presides over the entire city, and the blue girl wears a similar crescent as a mask. A crescent moon is merely the first stage of the moon's cycle. It's perpetually a crescent moon here because the girl never moves forward, she's always waiting for something to change things for her, and this mentality blinds her. We even see that her leg is chained by blue as further proof. We can see by all the toys and such that she's being childish, she's emotionally immature. She's elected not to think and to just assume things will get better, letting her hopes come to her. If you look closely, her robot-arm things look like distorted, stylized power outlets. We see in her irl room that she's constantly plugged in, a little too exposed to technology. Nowadays our perception of the world is all too skewed by our biases via the internet. We believe what we want to believe, and there will always be a group of people online to confirm it. This girl is no different, the internet is keeping her that much more locked down. We see irl that as she walks around, the uniform grey people around her flicker like a computer glitch. She's not seeing people as they really are, the internet is skewing her perception. When we see her in the subconscious world, she's cloaked in black and red. The red is used to symbolize the girl looking to her past. For the male MC, red was almost always negative until Baumkuchen End, as guilt toward his sister was holding him back. But with the girl, the past is actually a source of hope, as she remembers the good times she had with the MC as a small child. She sees who he was, and who he's become through nothing more than his own strength. She also spins her past regret into something positive, as her failure to see outside herself and reach out to him more back then has turned into a vow to do better now. So her past frustrations and memories are coming at odds with her present blue self who expects others to come and fix things for her. At the 1:30 mark, she wakes up after this realization, horrified, having a bit of a quarter-life crisis. She finally sees things for what they really are, and she knows this can't continue. We then see the irl city surrounded by red, in the windows, street lights, cones. She had the opposite problem of the MC. While he looked to the past too much, she didn't do it enough. She needs to remember the past to remember who she is, to be able to make her own decisions. At 1:40 we see a sort of medical blockade, to show that she's put a much needed temporary stop to things so she can think about where her life's going. As she walks along, moving up stairs rather than down, she sees her black and red reflection. It scares her, because it can't be ignored at all anymore, it's pervading her real life as well. Essentially, there's no going back to her old way of life now that she's seen the truth. In her subconscious, the mental bedrock supporting the irl city fails, and her world turns upside down. Turns out her "realistic" view of the city wasn't any less a delusion than the MC's. She fights with her present self, doing markedly better, and forces her out of the subconscious and into the real world. She can't hide anymore. Now that her present self has been brought into reality, she really starts to see the truth of things. At 2:38, she sees her current path for the barren, ruined wasteland it is, and screams out in discontent. At 2:41, she realizes she'd been drowning in stress and fear the entire time, choosing not to notice. At 2:45, she's in the fetal position surrounded by a cocoon of introspection, a symbol of rebirth. At 2:48, she sees her present self in a beautiful field of reeds, as she comes to understand her. Finally, at 2:57, Her present self is flanked on both sides by red cones. She clearly sees who her enemy is, there's no doubt in her mind anymore. The two fight, her present self almost like that of an omnipresent goddess, what with her blue rays and power of flight. Yet the red girl is still able to reach her, breaking her mask of wait in the process. When she sees her face, she's almost dumbstruck, realizing her present self isn't just her enemy, she's a part of her. The two meet in the middle, coming to an understanding, similar to what the MC did in Ambivalent. The red of the past lifts away, reverting back to the yellow of the future, as the two are ready to move forward. The girl then wakes up with a smile. Like the MC, she's not going to wait on a miracle to come and rescue her anymore. From here on out, she's going to make her own choices, and decide for herself who she wants to be.

*If you’ve read this far, then thank you so much. I’ve really enjoyed making this, and these MVs have felt like looking into a mirror. Whenever I wouldn’t understand what a video means, I would just think in terms of my own struggles and experiences and everything would quickly come together. I doubt any of this was even what Eve and his animators intended, but that’s the beauty of art. Regardless of what an artist intends when making something, its messages can sometimes resonate with its viewers in ways even they didn’t expect. These MVs have impacted me so deeply that I had to get this out there, and if it reaches even one person and helps them a little, then posting this will be worth it.

Bonus Song:

Ano Ko Secret (EVERY color):

I was having a lot of trouble deciding where this song could fit, as it’s just so damn colorful and happy. In a tale about depression and guilt, why would the MC have such a fun romantic comedy amidst it all? He already has a daydream in the form of As You Like It, he doesn’t need another one. And then it seemed obvious. This song is at the beginning, before everything got out of control after the MC’s sister died. The MC and blue-haired girl have their true hair colors, because they’re both real (0:43). They’re both quite young, but because the MC is a standard happy-go-lucky kid (with an overactive mind and a touch of narcissism), he FEELS like a grown-up. When he sees the blue-haired girl, he’s infatuated with her at first sight, so she’s pretty and mysterious, also a grown-up (0:52). The MC is constantly experiencing new things, symbolized by the multi-colored bears popping out of the gacha machines en masse (0:11). He has no idea what the future might hold, but he’s eager to see it all. He even has a good friend in the form of the especially large orange bear (1:22). As orange is what we see when all colors are mixed together, this shows that the MC is able to confide in his friend and be totally honest around him. The fact that he’s a bear instead of a person could also symbolize how the MC literally sees himself as the ‘Main Character’ of his life, and others are background characters. Again, a little on the narcissistic side. But he’s so interested in the girl, that she looks different from everyone else. Because of that interest, he’s afraid to talk to her, so he enlists the help of his friend (1:03). Even together, he can’t gather up the courage, so his friend consoles him (1:19). When he finally does manage to talk to her, (albeit only through texts), all she seems to care about is his friend (1:37). He likely had a crush on her too, so with all her interest centered on the friend, asking her on a date is out of the question. He feels left out, betrayed by his best friend (1:54). But, angered, he refuses to give up, and he pushes past his fear to reach out to her anyway (2:05). Despite his best efforts, his anxiety wins out (symbolized by the black bears shooting down the white bears), and he stops just short of reaching her (2:18). However, he sees the girl reject his friend from the sidelines (2:47), and he rushes over, looking past his feelings of betrayal to console him (3:01). He doesn’t meet the girl, but when he saw her reject his friend, for a moment he saw a bit of himself in her, symbolized by them both exploring the same bear shop at 2:41. It’s a feeling he doesn’t fully understand, but he’s not afraid of her anymore, and he later works up the courage to talk to her off-screen, as proven by later songs. Neither of them truly realizes how similar they are to one another, and how their fates will be later intertwined, but their friendship will be a source of hope for them in the coming years.

[chazukekani]

BSD Animate Times Interview

Uemura Yuto (v.a. Nakajima Atsushi) & Miyano Mamoru (v.a. Dazai Osamu)

-

Overall, what’s the difference between Season 1 and 3?

Mamo: Comparing to Season 1, my impression towards Atsushi-kun has changed a lot.

Yuto: Since being rescued by Dazai-san and became a member of ADA, I think Atsushi-kun started to recognise the good deeds of his own ability. Meanwhile, he also faced the question of how to use his ability properly, but I think he is getting closer to the answer.

It has been three years since I performed in Bungo Stray Dogs. This project enabled me to host radio programme as a MC, which is a new challenge for me. I think I shared some similar experience with Atsushi as well.

-

In terms of acting, what is the difference between Season 1 and 3?

Yuto: Rather than being the same old story that we used to, I think there is various new elements introduced in Season 3. Under this changing circumstances, I always wonder how should I portray Atsushi.

-

How about you, Miyano-san?

Mamo: I think Dazai has been well described from various perspectives. In series of Fifteen Years Old, Dazai’s personality has been enriched. His personality has always been stuck in my head, which I can’t easily forget.

Dazai’s changing perception in life and death also enabled me to have a deeper understanding towards him. I feel more related to Dazai since then.

-

After performing in Fifteen Years Old, did this make any impact of your state of mind?

Mamo: Although Dazai has been a prodigy since then, I still find Dazai somehow acts like a child. I think Dazai still concern more about himself, rather than showing care to others during that time. I think Dazai’s encounter with Oda Sakunosuke, Akutagawa Ryunosuke and fellow ADA members is when Dazai truly started to grow.

-

What do you think of each other after performing in BSD for such a long time?

Mamo: Bungo Stray Dogs is the first anime that we are actually working together with. Audiography director (Wakayabayashi Kazuhiro) once told me, ‘Your junior is now the protagonist, please take good care of him.’ , whilst I answered ‘No way’ (laugh)

Together: (laugh)

Yuto: I heard about that recently!

Mamo: No! I didn’t mean I don’t like you! Since I couldn’t meet Uemura-kun regularly in our agency, I really concern about his thoughts towards the characters. I really value his opinions much. As the first time to perform as a protagonist, I am really glad to see him endeavour in this project.

I once joked that ‘Just act as if you have to do or die!’. Yet Uemura-kun seemed to take it serious, and really tried his best to act. I can really feel his guts while he was Atsushi.

The coherence between Atsushi and Uemura-kun also pushes him forward. I can feel the passion in his vein during recording. This is indeed an treasurable experience for Uemura-kun.

It seems to me that Uemura-kun struggled in first two seasons, and somehow shown his dark side when he was confused (laugh). However, I think such conflicting thoughts also contributed to him as an voice actor. I think this is also a remarkable growth for Uemura-kun.

When we were preparing for Dead Apple, I was not able to record together with him, but after watching the movie, I feel relieved. I think Uemura-kun can also do very well even I wasn’t beside him.

During Season 3, we once managed to have a dinner together. When we talked about topics relating to acting, Uemura-kun became serious again! So the director just joked that Uemura-kun will behave weirdly during any dinner with me. (Inside joke from BSRadio)

When we were having dinner, I told Uemura-kun, ‘ You have found your own way to act, aren’t you?’, and then he just became serious again! I think it is really interesting to know how much Uemura-kun has grown.

-

Uemura-san, what is your thoughts on Miyano-san’s advice?

Yuto: Dead Apple has indeed granted me many opportunities to examine my technique. Although Atsushi has been fighting along side with Kyouka and Akutagawa, Atsushi rarely has a time to stay with Dazai, and just fight without his assistance. This is also the first time which Miyano-san wasn’t by my side during recording.

During the recording of the movie, director Igarashi-san told me to that Atsushi is the protagonist in the movie. During the battle scene, I really tried to act as if I were fighting in that circumstances.

I always try to immerse myself into Atsushi’s personality and situation when I was acting. These kinds of thinking particularly emerged when I was recording for ‘Portrait of a Father’ and ‘Addict’.

Season 3 seems to be slightly different from the previous stories, whereas telling the story of battles between Port Mafia and Guild. Season 3 seems to focus more on characters’ own development and description.

I think the acting skills required for this season has been levelled up. I am really glad to meet Miyano-san once again in the recording.

Mamo: Same, it is really nice to see you again!

Yuto: Miyano-san has been taking care for me since Season 1, and it has never changed. However, since the skills required in portraying Atsushi is more demanding, I can feel Miyano-san has a different approach in coaching me too.

Mamo: I always remind Uemura-kun to act in the way which he enjoy himself the most. I think it is good to have your own style. I once asked Uemura-kun, ‘Did you have a great time?’, and he told me he did Sauna recently, but it wasn’t what I means! (lol)

Yuto: Yeh I finally got what you mean afterwards... (laugh) But I really couldn’t stop talking about sauna! It seems that all our conversation is related to sauna recently...

Mamo: We shouldn’t be chatting about sauna okay?? (laugh)

Yuto: Yeh I think we messed it up... (laugh)

Mamo: Yet it seems we have a topic in common!

Yuto: I understand that it is really difficult to convey by words... but I really tried to fulfil Miyano-san’s advice, and acted with enjoyment. With the aid of the script and animation, I was managed to balance the characteristics of Atsushi in various aspects.

Although I received advice from Miyano-san, directors also gave me some instructions. I treasure their advice really much, and it is very important to consider ‘authenticity’ when you are acting.

Mamo: I think there is no absolute answers in terms of acting. That’s why it is difficult to explain it through words. However, our job is nothing without words at the same time, so I think we have to solely put our heart in it.

-

At last, what do you want to say to the fans?

Mamo: I am really grateful that our fans have been supporting us till this time. I love the conception of world structures in BSD. It is certainly my honour to be part of this story.

Various perspectives have been adopted in writing this story, and I feel myself definitely in love with Dazai. I really had a great time with all the other voice actors in this project.

It is a precious opportunity for me to work with my junior in the agency, so BSD absolutely holds a special place in my heart. Thank you so much for all the support!

Yuto: When I was informed to be the protagonist in this anime, I couldn’t believe how should I manage it. Bungo Stray Dogs is indeed inseparable in my life.

The director told me that he almost getting confused between me and Atsushi because we are so similar! I actually think I share some points in common with Atsushi as well. As time flies, I feel myself more connected to Atsushi.

I am really glad to be chosen as the voice actor of Atsushi. Thank you very very much for staying with us in such long journey!

Season 3 is a fusion with all the climaxes and emotions. This may be a battle about special ability, but also please pay attention to the character interactions!

[adastreia-12]

E C H O E S (AsraxGN!MC, brief Asrian) 

A/N: Includes spoilers for Asra’s route but I’ve barely started playing it myself so some things may be a bit off!

Rated: Teen  Genre: Angst Word count: 3,821 (haaa.... it was meant to be like 500 tops, oops)  Summary: Magic is alive, and an intimate thing between magicians, connecting them and their feelings. Asra’s magic and yours are tightly connected after years of friendship and partnership; when he leaves you back in plague-stricken Vesuvia, it becomes his only way to know you’re okay. Until you aren’t, and your magic screams just like you did. 

Magic was a curious thing. Ever-changing, evolving and pulsing with life. Unique to every individual, and despite its power, playful and curious. And it was all Asra ever really knew, the sole constant of his life, shining like a lighthouse, providing him with a home even though he lived in the streets when he was young. He was so familiar with it, and yet, few were the times where he had experienced his magic’s interaction with another’s. He knew that each magician’s magic was personal and different at an inherent level, but he had never met another magician in all of Vesuvia since his parents. Since them, never had his magic been touched by someone else’s, nudged playfully and hesitantly before getting familiar with it. Never, that is, until he met you.

Hailing from faraway Milova, you found your way to Vesuvia in search of a rumored magician in hopes that they would take you on as their apprentice, as Asra was informed by you from the other side of his shop’s counter when he first met you. It was truly a wonder he had even heard that back then. He had been too busy bathing in the warmth of your magic’s rawness. He had taken in a shuddering breath, marveling at how volatile and malleable it was. Hot and bright and powerful, it was ready to be bent into shape. It was the polar opposite of his calm, collected energy, a shining gold sun compared to a soft lilac nebula. 

It had taken a snap of your fingers in front of his eyes, but he had agreed.

He had taken you in at the shop and in his life, falling into a routine with you. And while later he would come across more magicians, like the one who gave him Faust’s egg, it had been the first time in his life that he had someone to share his wonders, his oasis, his knowledge with. Someone who could, too, hear the Arcana whisper to them. He slept a bit easier each night.

It took a long time, what with his regular travels, but he taught you all he could. Every trick, every spell, every symbol. Your magic was stronger than his though. Although it was not as jagged as when he had started with you, it still burned golden with the same intensity. You could learn more, he knew that by the spikes he felt coming from it occasionally, despite how refined it had become. But he didn’t know how to give you any more.

So when his grimoires and herbs stopped offering new knowledge, he focused on you more. He began to see you for more than your golden magic, more than just a fellow magician. You became tangible, a person he could touch and get close to, someone who made him laugh, someone he could hug and mess around with. Someone he could travel with. He stopped leaving you behind when he took to the seas.

On your first trip to Nopal together, he came to a realization as he saw you interact with desert’s dunes for the first time in your life. Your laughter was music to his ears and the look of absolute wonder painted on your face as you took off your shoes and dipped your feet in the now cool sand, only illuminated by the flame you held in your hands made his heart flutter and his breath catch in his throat. A spark had ignited in his chest after so many years of knowing you and teaching you and he hadn't realized until that moment that what he was feeling was more than just friendship. He felt your magic reach out to his. He wasn't sure if that had been a conscious choice since you never looked up. But he responded, letting his own touch yours. Warmth took over him and he couldn't help the fond smile from his face.

However long it took him to help you shape up your magic, it felt like it took him longer to confess his feelings to you. When he did, it was because Faust told on him, devious little familiar as she was. It resulted in a lot of blushing on both your parts, and Asra blurting out "I'm in love with you!" in a rare case of him losing his composure.

"Uh, erm… You do?" you said very smoothly. With a quick glare at Faust, Asra could only nod. You short-circuited for a moment, a stammering mess and Asra could swear his heart dropped out of his ribcage when his magic rippled with the after effects of your conflicted feelings your own magic was reflecting.

He was about to try and salvage whatever remained of your relationship when you said: "Okay."

He did a double take and tilted his head in question. His heart was back in his ribcage but now it was hammering against it more wildly than ever.

You looked at him, determination in your eyes. "I… really really like you. Maybe we could try this out and see what happens?"

Asra was no fool. He jumped at the chance and eagerly said yes, a choice that soon proved to be one of the best of his life.

It was shy at first. You would both think twice to touch as much as you wanted, hesitant because of the novelty of your situation. You had never fallen for anyone. He had never loved anyone the way he loved you. Soft and wholesome, but also deeper than any other bond he’d ever had. Magic-deep. He could feel his magic intertwine with yours, mingle and bond with it, become one with every day that passed. More often than not, he felt its warmth wash over him, and even if he wouldn’t tell you, it gave him a sense of euphoria unlike any other.

Whatever timidity held your relationship back had soon gone away, however. The closer you got, the more connected your magic became and that was the highest form of intimacy two magicians could possibly achieve. Wayward touches like forehead kisses and hugs from behind came much easier after that, until they became as natural as breathing.

The traveling became a norm too. Asra would take you to Nopal almost every time now. You had grown accustomed to the sand now, but seeing you watch from his house always put a fond smile on his face. He would sit behind you and lean on a wall, looking at you for a bit before coming over and kissing your temple. You would kiss him back with a smile and go back to watching nature. After a few weeks, you would come back to Vesuvia and open your shop again.

Those were nice days. Simpler days. And then the Red Plague came.

“The plague is spreading too fast, what’s so difficult for you to understand? We need to leave Vesuvia!” Asra shouted at you, desperate.

“And let all these people die? We can help them, Asra! We’re magicians, there has to be something-”

“We’re magicians, not immortals! Please, just come with me to Nopal. Please. I can’t risk losing you.” His voice was softer now. He was begging.

You sighed and shook your head. When you looked at Asra, your eyes were icy, and he felt your magic spike with hostility. It sent daggers through his heart, but he didn’t show it. He was too mad at your stubbornness.

“I’m not leaving if I can help. I went to Dr. Devorak’s clinic. I’ll be starting as his doctor’s apprentice tomorrow. If you’re so selfish and want to leave, go. But do not expect me to do the same when I can help people.”

A flame ignited in his heart where your daggers of ice had been plunged, and the words were out of his mouth before he even realized he said them: “Fine! If you want to throw away your life, you can go ahead and die for all I care!”

A flash of hurt crossed your face before you masked it through steely eyes. You picked up his bag and threw it at him.

“Enjoy your trip, Asra.”

With an angry puff, Asra forcefully put on his hat and, scooping up Faust, he walked out and slammed the door.

He didn’t know. He didn’t know that would be the last time he would see you.

He was in Nopal again when it happened. As more time passed, he had hoped you’d see reason and come join him, but you never did. The house remained horribly empty without your laughter filling it. He remained calm, though, whenever he felt your magic. Despite your argument, despite the horrible things said, your magic’s link to his remained strong. He would feel it pulsing with happiness, with sorrow, with excitement and disappointment. It was his insurance that you were still alive.

One day, he was swept by incredible fatigue through your magic. He bit his lip in worry. You were probably working yourself to death trying to find a cure. Was the doctor taking care of you? He shook his head, and soon after, the fatigue washed away. You were fine.

Only you weren’t. Next came pain. It was brief, only lasting seconds of it, but your magic was suffering, and he could feel it. There was no calmness anymore, and it was dimmer now. He choked on his breath. No. No, you had to be okay. You were among doctors. There were precautions. The pain was from something else, it had to be. Still, he thought about how he left things with you, and soon, he found himself packing to go back. Tomorrow. I’ll leave tomorrow. 

Too late. He was too late.

He woke up to the sound of screaming. He bolted out of bed and ran out of the house, his head snapping back and forth to find the source. No one was there. But the sound was still there, growing ever so loud. The screams turned to wails, and to words.

“Please! It hurts, it burns, please stop!” someone screeched, their voice broken, frantic, pained. That voice. Asra’s blood ran cold. No.

He reached for your magic. It was a mistake. His entire body was engulfed in searing pain that kicked him to his knees. He would have screamed too, had the pain not vanished and been replaced with your screams echoing around his skull. He clutched his head and folded himself until his forehead touched the ground, tears forming in his eyes. Your voice was cracked and strained but you kept screaming in pain. In between your wails, you called out to him.

“ASRA!”

Asra sobbed. ‘I’m here,’ he wanted to scream back, but he wasn’t. He was miles upon miles away, in another country, further away than he could even hope to be able to offer his help while you were hurting.

The screaming stopped eventually, and only then was he able to get up on wobbly feet and run to the beast that helped him travel, Faust around his shoulders.

“We need to get back to Vesuvia now,” he whispered, his voice hoarse. He couldn’t reach out to your magic anymore. There was a void in him where it used to be. He didn’t know what had happened to you, but his suspicions were almost enough to make his heart stop.

His fingers were coated with black ash and crimson blood, and he couldn’t contain his sobs. They racked his entire body, hurt his throat as they ripped through it. His tears fell freely on the sound he had sunken into. Silence answered his sorrow; silence and the weak, almost extinguished thrum of your magic reverberating in your skull. The only thing that had remained of you. The rest had burned while you screamed.

“I’m sorry,” Asra whispered weakly, clutching his shirt, not caring that he tainted its white with black and red soot. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t-” his voice cracked and another sob overtook him. “I didn’t mean what I said, please-”.

He cut himself off, gulping erratic breaths. If he had just been here…

He kept looking at your skull, haunted by the empty sockets that stared back at him. An idea crossed his mind the more he stayed alone with the traces of your magic. With a dangerous newfound determination, he picked up your skull and started walking away, ready to put as much distance between himself and the Lazaret as possible.

To his horror, he soon discovered that his suffering didn’t end at the Lazaret. Your screams rang in his head again a few weeks later, while working at the palace. They shook him to his core, and they almost knocked him to his knees again. He froze as your wails drowned out any other noise out, his eyes wide and unblinking, staring into the void.

“-ra! Asra, hey! Snap out of it!” Dr. Devorak’s voice rang sharp through your pained voice, and Asra could finally breathe again when he looked in his grey eyes. Dr. Devorak took his hands off Asra’s shoulders giving him a careful, concerned look. He realized he must have been shaking him. He looked around and saw pairs of eyes peering at him curiously over medical masks. He looked back at the doctor, disoriented.

“Wh-,” he swallowed and brought a hand to his forehead. “What happened?” he croaked a second after. Dr. Devorak gave him an incredulous look. “You were doubled over and crying,” he said matter-of-factly. Asra touched his cheeks lightly and felt the half-dried tears. His hand was shaking too. He looked back at Dr. Devorak at a loss for words. He didn’t know what to say. Those were your screams. He shouldn’t be hearing them anymore. You were gone. So why was he?

“I…”

The doctors were still looking at him. Valdemar’s piercing stare unnerved him, and he couldn’t stop recalling the sound of your pain. Out of nowhere, he was shielded from view by an apron-covered chest, and a gloved hand rested lightly on his shoulder, pushing him gently the other way.

“Let’s get you out of here,” Dr. Devorak muttered.

Once outside the dungeon and the library and into the halls of the palace, Asra managed to finally take a deep breath that actually reached his lungs. His hands were still shaking as he ran one through his hair.

“What happened in there, Asra?” the plague doctor asked, concern in his grey eyes.

Asra took a good look at him, thinking in horror back on the echoes of your screams, his mind summoning images of fire licking your skin and destroying it. His eyes welled up again but he blinked the tears away. 

“Nothing important,” he said and tried to give Dr. Devorak a charming smile. “Thank you for your help though, Doctor.”

Dr. Devorak appeared to get flustered, instantly losing his composure and blushing furiously.

“I, uh- You’re welcome,” he stuttered out and looked to the side. Asra nodded, and with a fake pleasant smile, he moved to leave.

“Uh, Julian!” he heard the doctor’s voice yell out from behind him. He turned around and gave him a quizzical look with an arched eyebrow.

Dr. Devorak was still blushing and looking at his feet.

“My name is, uh, it’s Julian,” he muttered.

This time, Asra’s smile, albeit small, was genuine. “Thank you, Julian.”

He started spending time with Julian more after that. Your screams came to him often, always rendering him immobile and unresponsive, but he started to seek comfort in the hands of a certain steel eyed doctor, and suddenly he didn’t completely shut down when all he could hear was the pain and desperation in your wild voice. The void where your magic used to be was still there, gaping, but Julian made it easier to ignore.

“If I tell you something no one knows about me, will you tell me what is going on with you?” Julian said one day lazily, head buried in Asra bare chest, legs entangled under the sheets. Asra petted his auburn hair and hummed.

“Perhaps.” No. He wouldn’t. But he was curious.

Julian sat up and rested his weight on his elbow. “My given name is Ilya.”

Asra arched his brow.

“My sister was the last person to use it, before I left her back in Nevinon,” he explained with a thousand yard stare. His lips were curled in a smile, but his eyes were drooped, sad.

“You loved her?” Asra asked, his thoughts drifting back to you, and something wrung his heart. He tried not to wince.

Julian chuckled forlornly. He shifted his body to look better at Asra.

“More than anything. I would do anything for her, even though… I guess I’ve been quite a disappointing brother to her. Haven’t seen her since she was about yay high,” he said, gesturing to a height barely higher than that of the bed. He shook his head. “Haven’t been called that since then either.”

Asra took a while to answer. His mind was clouded with memories of you. How long had it been since he saw you? More than a year had passed since he had left for Nopal without you, like the coward he was.

“Ilya is a beautiful name,” he ended up saying. “It suits you.”

Julian hummed, pleased with himself but unable to hide a blush dusting his cheeks. He soon recovered and cleared his throat.

“I told you something personal. Now, what’s wrong?”  

Asra hesitated. He didn’t want to tell him. But he couldn’t leave him hanging.

“I lost someone. They were dear to me. Dealing with their death is… hard,” he settled for. It was the truth, if not all of it. Julian’s eyes darkened. He looked away, ashamed. Asra knew that the guilt of not finding a cure for the Red Plague gnawed on him. He felt a spark of satisfaction. There were times he still blamed him for your death. But it soon went away. “I’m sorry,” Julian whispered. Asra didn’t answer. That night, your wails were mellowed out by Julian’s company.

Julian soon became Ilya for Asra. And soon after, Ilya became past, your voice too deafening, too maddening for him to stay with the doctor. It haunted him, it stole his sleep and made him see your ash on his bloody fingers whenever he even looked at him. The resentment that cultivated couldn’t allow him to stay with him. He would hear you all the time, sometimes for whole days. Every time he did, he felt a small spark in the traces of your magic from your skull.

“I’m sorry, I already said I’m sorry… Why are you doing this to me?” he whispered between tears at the skull one day, barely even hearing himself over you. The leftover magic spiked and your screams became louder. He sobbed. This… this trace of your magic was all he had left of you and it was an echo of the last time you were alive and he was doomed to relive the pain again and again. He couldn’t bare to tether his bond to you.

Your screams were burned in his mind like a brand that never healed, always sizzling with pain.  He missed you and he couldn’t connect with you anymore. He remembered your screams better than he did your voice now, your voice that he had adored so much. Your magic was painful instead of comforting like it used to be. He was going insane. He couldn’t take this torture anymore.

You just wouldn’t stop screaming, so he pressed his hands firmly to his ears, not caring enough to wipe his tears anymore, only caring about stopping the screams, please just stop, please. You didn’t. So he did the only thing he could: he screamed with you, trying to drown out your voice with his. He screamed until his throat felt like it was being torn by talons and his head pounded. He screamed until he couldn’t scream anymore, choked by his sobs and tears, on his knees and doubled over himself, his hands never leaving his ears, even though it didn’t do anything, even though he just wanted to hug himself as he cried, wishing that were you.

He only let his arms fall from his head and snake around himself when your screams faded away. He kept sobbing softly in front of your skull and Faust finally dared to approach him and wrap herself around him in an attempt of comfort. “Faust… I need to do this quicker,” he whispered to his familiar when he could finally breathe again. Do what? She asked, tilting her head, tongue flicking.

“Bring them back,” he said, a dangerous fire alight in his purple eyes. His magic flared dangerously, and yours cowered. “Whatever the cost,” he said, and then softly, eyes downcast: “I can’t do this anymore.”

And bring you back he did. The days leading up to the Masquerade had been relentless. Your screams hadn’t stopped echoing around his own skull for days, and he thought he might snap, his skin crawling. But in the end, the deed was done and the deal was struck. The seal glowed over what was left of his heart, and you were back. The moment you returned, the screams vanished, and Asra could have collapsed with relief. For the first time in a long while, he smiled, and the smile was genuine. You were there. You were alive. He did it.

He had thought that the day that he would get you back, the day he so carefully planned, the day he sacrificed so much for, the day the screams would stop, would be the happiest of his days in a long time. But then, you opened your eyes, and where he expected recognition and love, he found only alarm and emptiness. You curled into yourself, away from him, as if you didn’t know him. Asra recoiled.

He called your name but you didn’t answer. He asked you if you knew who he was but was met with more silence. Moments later, when you opened your mouth, he dared hope that it had only been shock, but that hope got crushed when grumbled, wordless noises fell off your lips. It only took seconds for him to realize that you didn’t remember him. You didn’t even remember how to talk. He tried to bite back a sob as what was left of his half heart broke all over again. You didn’t come back as you were.

It was supposed to be a happy day for him. But all he could think as he put on a brave face and fought off tears was that the traces of your magic and the echoes of your screams seemed more welcome than your strong but reserved magic and the blankness that governed your gaze when you looked at him.

[crazy-loca-blog]

Personal thoughts on Sunkissed, Ch. 1-2

Note: As the title says, these are just personal opinions on Choices books and chapters. Of course, you may agree or disagree with them, I only use this platform to express my thoughts on what I read every week and what I’d like to see in the next chapters, because none of my friends play Choices so I have no one to comment the books with.

Yeah, another romance book, you may say. Let���s be honest. Most of the time I love my job and I’m truly blessed to be able to work in my field of expertise, but sometimes I have to do things that maybe I don’t enjoy that much (and I have to swallow my pride) just because I have a dog to feed and a rent to pay. So even though I’m pretty sure that the writers would love to try new genders for us to enjoy new stories, there’s a bossy voice that tells them “romance sells!”, and they just have to swallow their pride and keep writing romance stories.

Sunkissed seems to be PB’s latest attempt to do a seasonal book. It definitely gives me those Home for the Holidays vibes mixed with some Big Sky Country plot, especially when it comes to the mother/sister issue (does anyone else feel the Brooklynne/Duck vibes here?). Also, it also looks like this has been thought as a standalone book since the very beginning (nothing wrong with it, let’s just remember how perfect VOS is despite of not being a series). So nope, no matter how much we love or hate the story by the end of the book, I don’t think we’re getting a series here (but you never know… I never thought BSC would get a second book or AME would get a third book… and I expected still expect Perfect Match to be a trilogy!).

So far, I think the family issues and how they face it together is what I like the most about this book. Alexis is the sweetest, and you may realize that our mom just wants the best for everyone despite her sadness for losing her husband. However, things felt a bit rushed. In the very first interaction with Nate, our MC tells him her mom and her sister have a difficult relationship, our dad also writes about it in the letter, and Alexis herself mentions that she hasn’t properly spoken to mom for about a year now, so at first sight, this looks like a huge problem. But then, after a few scenes, it seems like all it took to reunite Alexis and mom was a pool party and a mocktail contest… like really? I assume in future chapters we’ll be having some huge fight where everyone will speak their minds and we’ll get to know what happened at dad’s funeral… I mean, we always expect to have some serious drama and this is supposed to be a broken family, isn’t it?

As per the LIs, sorry, but none of them seem appealing to me. Of course, I can change my mind in future chapters (I usually end up choosing a LI anyways in order to make my chapters longer, ha!), but if you ask me right now, I don’t feel attached to any of them yet. I even find some of them a little… arrogant, maybe? We have Nate, the hot Baywatch-type lifeguard who flirted with us since the very first moment and tried to have some alone time with us while we were in the middle of a family bonding activity at the art gallery (seriously dude?!?! That was so out of place!!); then there is the beautiful and smart Eliana that, in my opinion, made our MC look dumb when she said she didn’t go to some aquarium exhibition because “she was busy studying it in the field” (it really broke my heart because the MC was remembering her dad, I personally felt it like an unintended low blow); and finally we have Samson, who’s definitely the sweetest among the three LIs and the one that seems to have more in common with our MC (she has already shown her art skills when repairing the sign and when talking about art with mom). So after meeting all three LIs, I think I will be more focused in the Kersey family issues than in my MC’s love life (sorry MC! But no one has died for staying single one summer!)

I guess in future chapters we’ll go deep on what we saw at the art gallery. Nobody knows who the “local artist” is, but I guess he’s somehow related to our MC’s dad. Maybe he is the one who painted them and the exhibition is kind of this last wish? The paintings appeared about a year ago (that’s around the time dad passed away) but have been painted by some local for a long time now (Nate actually says some paintings look like they were painted 30 years ago). Also, mom felt personally connected to them… in a different (and probably deeper) level. And let’s not forget about the treasure map… I’m pretty sure we’ll have to pay to collect the map pieces and I don’t know if it will be worthy yet as the book doesn’t mention anything special besides “the treasure”. If we compare it to other books, (for example, in RCD we’re getting our friends’ backstories if we get the posters or in BB book 1 we get a great extra scene if we complete the picture) this description seems poor an vague, but it may become interesting in future chapters.

Overall, I’m not quite convinced yet. I guess in the end, time will tell. Some people say we have a new Passport to Romance here. As I said earlier in the post, I see this more like a HFTH/BSC type of book. Personally, I don’t expect it to be a masterpiece, but I hope to see a nice, fun book that gives me some summer vibes during my cold winter (because, you know, south hemisphere here!)