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meshkol · 5 years

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Twitter Threads (or That One Time Tony Dialled It Up to Eleven)

Summary: Social media is hard and full of trolls, and Tony has poor impulse control.

Notes: I hate this so much. Less cracky than I wanted it, because I suck at writing humour. Fill K-3 for the Tony Stark Bingo 2019: Gossip Press. Unbeta'd as per usual. Any relation to existing twitter handles is entirely coincidental.

Warnings: Social Media, Twitter, Homophobic Language, Sexist Language, Ableist Language, Internet, Trolls, Protective Tony Stark, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Goes On A Rampage

No one can say that Tony’s ever had good impulse control, especially about people he loves.

@1234ideclareathumbwar posted: I donno what it is about dr strange but he must suck dick like a pro if hes got iron man whipped god knows theres nothing attractive about him except those dick suckin lips #drstrange #ironman #wtfisstarkthinking

@100percentDONE-xxx replied: yeah its not like he can give a decent handjob ffs must me the lips or maybe hes just tight every1 knows stark loves a tight whole hes prolly cheating neway poor cripple

@itsawrapandimreadytoparty replied: Probably just lays there and thinks about the wizard gods just to get that $$$...I’d think of England even for a nymphomaniac drug-addicted sugar daddy too, tbh.

@BlessYouThor-ness replied: still can’t believe he chose strange over THOR like everyone can see the chemistry between them and tony is such a bottom he’d take thor’s cock so well fuck yes

@they-did-the-thing777 replied: is it just me or does strange look like an alien maybe there’s no magic at all just aliens and he’s got a tentacle dick and stark just wants to mark off another box on his worlds-biggest-slut checklist #tonystarkispathetic

@snowflakes_makeme_lol replied: hes just fkn ugly i s2g stark id spread 4 but strange??? that bitch be ugly asf n not worth gettin my dk wet prolly get aids

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: You guys are the pinnacle of our evolution and I am in awe of your genuine kindness and polite generosity (and grammar). Wow, I can’t believe Stephen Strange saved all of your jerkass lives TWICE for this shit and you know what? Everyone knows I’M the cocksucker in this relationship, dumbfucks.

@kiki_blow_this_popsicle_stand replied: HOLY SHIT LMAO

“What are you doing?”

He doesn’t bother looking up from his tablet, backing away from that thread because he has no interest in seeing the replies, and hunting for the next war he can wage. “Destressing,” he replies gleefully, clicking on a thread that mentions Pepper. He can feel Rhodey behind him – and, what’s more, he can feel the disapproval seeping out of his pores too now that he’s peeking over Tony’s shoulder – but he’s on a roll, and fuck impulse control when he can sass and bitch on twitter. Some people just need to be removed from the genetic pool of the human race and not be allowed to procreate, honestly.

Somewhere in bumbfuck-nowhere, Fury is having a coronary and Stephen is rolling his eyes so hard they’re permanently lodged in his cranium.

@rudethatyoureallamatwink posted: Does anyone else think that Pepper Potts only got the job at Stark because she’s got awesome legs and a great twat and Tony Stark wanted to stick his dick in? #idfuckher #pepperpotts #starkindustries #idfuckhimtootbh #tonystark

@MyNameIsGoFuckYourself replied: lol ur gross shes like 35 or smth but wvr u want crusty ol lose pussy u do u bro #oldchickgross #getbotox

@shredderinmymetal3-14 replied: @MyNameIsGoFuckYourself lmao wtf?? He started fucking her when she was like twenty or something so she was still nice and tight back then. I mean I’d still fuck her right now cause she’s one hot cougar and I bet she’s learned a thing or two from the Slut Extraordinaire. And anyway, how tf do you know what her cunt’s like?? The only hole you’ve fucked is your mom.

@queeen-bee-says-hi replied: Wow, you guys are pigs. Pepper Potts is a strong, independent, beautiful woman who is worth a thousand of all you, and your mothers would be ashamed of you all.

@gags_are_the_best_fight_me_bitch replied: @queeen-bee-says-hi hey look theres the feminazi if you want i can replace that stick up your pussy with my dick you know you need it ill fuck you real good show you what a real mans like

@truthisanillusion replied: I’ll fuck @queeen-bee-says-hi AND @OfficialPotts_CEO at the same time fucking feminazi cunts, god knows you bitches would be grateful for my prick in your gaping lesbian pussies

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: Wow. So. Uh.

1. That’s revolting and my AI just delivered the IPs of @gags_are_the_best_fight_me and @truthisanillusion to the authorities for premeditated violence, rape, and hate crimes. You’re welcome, and feel free to send a cash donation to the charity of your choice for my thoughtfulness. I’d recommend something for women’s or LGBTQ+ rights, and I’ll match it with a multiplier of 1000x.

2. @queeen-bee-says-hi, good for you, and I can see from your profile that you’re a student. Consider your crops watered and your schooling paid for, all the way to your twelfth PhD if you want it.

3. @OfficialPotts_CEO can and will murder you with her pinky nail. I’ve taken on Thanos and I’d rather go ten rounds with him than piss her off. THAT’S why she’s CEO, not because of her admittedly awesome legs.

4. I hate this hellsite. If I buy it, can I kill it?? Rhodey says “technically” so I’m gonna look into that now.

@i_stan_one_legend_named_virginia_p_potts replied: IRON MANNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!! DEFEND THE QUEEN!!!!!!!!!!! #PEPPERPOTTS4PRESIDENT

@iaminlovewithcapandimunashamed replied: lmfao incels be fkd when #ironman comes to town

@truthisanillusion replied: Hey @YouKnowWhoIAm No one trusts you or likes you, you fake ass super “hero” taking it up the ass like a faggot stfu and die already, kthxbye

@queeen-bee-says-hi replied: whAT OH MY GOD THAT IS NOT NECESSARY

@OfficialPotts_CEO replied: Tony, stop picking fights and threatening to buy twitter or I’ll ground you. And just accept the gift, @queeen-bee-says-hi - after all, he’s already done it.

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: Shut up Pepper, you aren’t the boss of me.

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: And jokes on you @truthisanillusion because I’m already dead inside come at me bitch I’ll be the one in the multi-billion-dollar suit of armor surrounded by Avengers

@OfficialPotts_CEO replied: Actually, I am. Don’t make me take away your toys. Or call @Sorcerer_Supreme_With_A_Scalpel. He’s on speed-dial, sweetheart, and he likes me better than you.

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: Rude.

@Sorcerer_Surpreme_With_A_Scalpel replied: The last time you threatened someone, your house got blown up. Please refrain from egging on internet trolls or I’ll dump you for Rhodes for my own sanity.

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: ALSO RUDE.

“You know, I’m not even remotely bi-curious and I would totally tap that,” Rhodey says absently, though his lips are quirking into a smirk.

Tony rolls his eyes. “Hands off, you little shit, or I’ll tweet about that one time in MIT when you ate that—”

“Fuck you.”

“Been there, done that,” Tony quips cheerfully. “Not remotely bi-curious my ass—”

“You know what’s better than picking fights with twelve-year-olds on twitter? Kicking your ass right here. You come at me, Stank.”

Tony opens his mouth to reply but then gasps, already losing himself in another thread after sending a middle finger emoji into the last one.

@mwahahaha-666 posted: You guys can wax poetry about Tony Stark all you want, but screw that basic-ass rich boy - everyone knows Doctor Strange is the smokin’ hot one. #takemenow #mybodyisready #drstrange

@ukulele_jedi_master replied: PREACH!!! stark may be loaded but stephen is the one that looks like a prada model giMME THAT MAGICAL DICK

@xxx-foreverfit-xxx replied: Fuck both of you. I just wanna be a fly on the wall when they’re fucking each other...or better yet, DIRECT them on how to ruin each other #ironstrange #otp

@highpercentageofuselessnessachieved replied: i wonder if he can clone himself like can u imagine?? being fucked from all ends by #drstrange cock?? what i wouldn’t give to be tony stark omfg i don’t even want the money just the hard dickin from that fine piece of ass

@its_a_fact_that_captain_america_has_a_big_dick replied: He’s got Iron Man wrapped around his little finger so he must have the biggest dick and the know-how to use it properly. Yes pls and thank you very much, I’ll take that monster dick pronto.

@TGBYHN_4_LYFE replied: dude i tell u what i would do what @xxx-foreverfit-xxx said: sit in the corner w a ridign crop in 9’’ stilettos rubbin myself while directing them 2 do what i want...make em touch n stroke n suck n bite n fuck each other til they cant walk anymore n then cuddle w them n stroke their hair

@catcatcatcat-cat replied: I would give my college education, my life, my cow, and my internet access away for the rest of my life for a sex tape

@xxx-foreverfit-xxx replied: @TGBYHN_4_LYFE omfg fuCK YES CAN YOU IMAGINE listening to them moan as they lost themselves in each oter, so fucking desperate to get off that they’re begging you to let them cum even as they try their hardest to obey, covered in precum and sweat and hot as fuck

@bigfoot_is_nessie1987 replied: I s2g the amount of fanfiction I write about those two alone should have me committed but I literally can’t stop the two of them are so fucking hot together that it should be illegal god bless Iron Man and Dr Strange and their sexy, sexy chemistry and sexy, sexy bodies #killme

@one-upon-a-time-in-asgard2 replied: They are the hottest couple in the history of the universe and so fucking pure I love them both so much also @bigfoot_is_nessie1987 I demand a link to your fics cuz I’m always looking for more ironstrange porn #otp #ironstrange

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: @Sorcerer_Supreme_With_A_Scalpel Hey, they think you have a big dick. Little do they know that they’re totally right and that you also have the added bonus of actually BEING a big dick too! #dontthreatentoleavemeforplatypus #orilltagyouinthirstposts #awesomethirstposts #stephenhasabigdick #andiloveit #goodshit

@mwahahaha-666 replied: OH MY DUCKING GOD

@its_a_fact_that_captain_america_has_a_big_dick replied: Well, I’d be mortified that Tony Stark is replying to this except Tony Stark is acTUALLY REPLYING TO THIS BLESS YOU IRON MAN

@Sorcerer_Supreme_With_A_Scalpel replied: One of these days I’m going to murder you with your own bravado and not lose a night’s sleep over it. And fine, I won’t touch Rhodes...I’m sure Rogers is free anyway, and he’s always so polite when I visit.

@bigfoot_is_nessie1987 replied: Please don’t read my fanfiction I will literally combust in embarrassment also I am dying over here in Copenhagen omfg

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: BRO CODE, DUDE. YOU’RE VIOLATING THE BRO CODE. I HATE YOU SO MUCH AND I WANT A DIVORCE.

@catcatcatcat-cat replied: ...oh my god what does that mean you guys are MARRIED??!?! BLESS THE WIZARD GODS!!!!

@Sorcerer_Supreme_With_A_Scalpel replied: Rhodes, I know you’re reading over his shoulder, so if you could please take away his phone now before he ends up on the cover of the Times...or breaks the internet. Again. Thank you in advance.

Tony reacts immediately, trying to make a break for it, but Rhodey’s already tackling him into the couch, a hundred and ninety pounds of lean muscle and pretty Class As. Tony hisses breathlessly, the wind knocked out of him, and he struggles valiantly to keep his hands on his tablet while Rhodey does his best to rip it away. He doesn’t have a very good position so he makes a hair-brained, split-second decision to throw his body weight to the side, making them both roll off the couch. Rhodey’s a jerk though, and manages to react fast enough so that Tony takes the brunt of the impact, and he can’t even help but groan in a mixture of mild pain and disappointment as he feels the tablet being removed from his lax fingers.

“Sucks to be you, Stank,” he says breathlessly, fingers flying over the keyboard, and Tony cranes his neck until he can read Rhodey’s reply (and on Tony’s fucking account what in the hell!):

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: I think I broke your hot mess of a husband, Stephen. Come collect him before he murders me with his eyes or gets his hands on another electronic device. We’re in the lab.

Three seconds later, Stephen walks through a portal, looking oh-so-fucking-gorgeous in his battle robes, and wearing a scowl of irritation that bodes well for rough, mock-angry sex in the near future.

Tony grins unapologetically, and abandons the lure of social media in exchange for his pseudo husband.

It’s an easy choice.

Also read on ao3.

Feel free to prompt me things on my Bingo Card!

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myviewoftheuniverse · 4 years

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God Bless America’s Nuts

To the 4th of July 2020 celebration at Mt Rushmore

Beautiful. Well done. Congratulations to all Americans. You're all a bunch of crazy nuts but somehow after over 240 years all of you lead the world to this very day. It's been a great ride for millions upon millions of people that have struggled to get here for over the same 240 years. They came here and lived amazing lives and their children, and children's children are living amazing lives beyond our imagination. From bowling alleys and picnics to billion dollar yachts and the New York Yankees, and on to the Space Shuttle. Everything this country has accomplished has included all races, creeds, colors and nationalities for 240 years. No matter how bad natural born citizens of America think it is in this country, they need to realize that millions upon millions of people from every other country in the world still want to get here, and will do anything to do so. (if you moved to almost anywhere else in the world for a year,, you would get a great lesson in how things work elsewhere and you would appreciate American Freedom far beyond what you realize) Both sides are all a bunch of nuts like I said, and you've all been fighting for the same 240 years over issues that sometimes are petty and should be left alone to each individuals decision, the government oversteps it's bounds far too often, and other arguments are so valiant and true, the movement leader as in MLK is truly an American hero. (those men should stay on Mt. Rushmore, MLK should be added, and any other black American hero similar in stature to Harriet Tubman. Would that not be Fking awesome? My idea! Just now!

For 240 years all races, creeds, colors and nationalities have had to deal with a lot of garbage, headaches, (migraines), mental torture, financial ruin and loss of life to stand up for something involving Freedom. Whether you're a front line employee or manager at a corporation that loses his job due to bullying office politics, or someone in the neighborhood vandalized your property or harmed a pet, people do fkd up things in this country. Why, we'll never know but it involves education, and educating each other. We can't imagine living in a time when there were water fountains and bathrooms for white and black people. It makes you vomit just to think of it. It seems barbaric, yet that was normal life not so long ago. We are all here today, after 240 years and after the last 6 months. Can you people try to figure out how to get along? whatever the hell the formula is then mix it up and drink it. Because watching this behavior is fking ridiculous, from Karen's to BLM movements gone wrong because of a few idiots. White people need to keep that Karen's in line, informed maybe? About how life works? And BLM people need to to keep the vandals in line, informed maybe? About how life works. I'm sitting here watching this shit(and sorry to be vulgar but this is total bullshit. How many people out there have GREAT days 6 out of 7 days a week? 23 out of 30? Life is fucking great in this country from the bottom to the top on an average good day. We're all fucking happy. Then someone has to throw a fucking wrench at the side of your head. Why do you have to fuck someone else's day up? and interrupt the whole fucking program?) I'm sitting here watching this unfold with my popcorn in hand. I've laughed at so many Trump insults, and I've laughed at a million Liberal insults. You're both definitely on edge, or even over the edge already. I don't know what the fk is going to calm you people down but please I beg of you, figure out the formula, mix it up and pass it around so everyone can drink it. Maybe a formula that makes you not notice or even understand the terms, race, religion, skin color, handicap, sexual preference, nationality, hair color, mental illness, physical appearance, intelligence, eye color, the word yesterday? just something that makes us live one day at a time, moving forward, enjoying every moment we can with family friends, pets, the outdoors, alone or with someone, in the city, your quiet neighborhood, or your loud neighborhood with fun goofy friends. If you want to ride a skateboard off a damn roof then do it, if you want to laugh on your yacht then do it. As long as it doesn't harm another human being. Stop pushing other people around, physically and verbally and stop trying to find fault in other people. Everyone does have faults as far as I know, you do too, i know i do, even the Dali Lama and the Pope, and JC. So let's regroup, drink that formula and love one another and all that shit. I assume that's how we all get to Logan's Run? Where everyone, even though they look different, just walk thru life not noticing they have differences, and we all do the same fucking thing every night at 8, and we all go to Carousel to cheer for the people flying up a tube into Heaven. Let's do this. (and do me one fucking favor. can you fire the dildo head cop that pulled two black dudes over, just like they predicted 60 seconds earlier on video while sitting in their car. two exchanges happened in the first 60 seconds that are difficult to watch and digest. one dude says something like why'd you pull us over bro? and the dildo head police officer says "you looked at me when you drove by."...????????????????????????????? If looking at people is now outlawed you might as well shoot me in the face right now, go ahead and electrocute me, I'm 100% positive it would be fun to watch for more than one person out there. It would be a big hit on youtube for sure or even FB live. The other exchange was ...dildo head "you over there, do you have id? ",,,dude "No man.... Why you asking me for ID when you know me!!!???".......WTF was that about???????????????? This is what our taxes are paying for, just for police officers to pick on enough black people until they find one that had weed in the car? The weed days are over guys. That shit is done. Let it go. And forgive me if I am misreading the situation but the dildo head seems to be behaving like a 14 yr old bully with two little kids on their tricycles in front of him. They're doomed. That was the most ridiculous exchange by a police officer that I've heard in 55 years living on this planet.) Both sides of the battle, you're all a bunch of nuts out there, and me too for watching it because it's ugly, terrible and people are getting hurt on both sides. One thing though, I'm pretty sure that the crazy shit hasn't even happened yet. We are on a war path to disaster. Fasten your fucking seat belts, this ride does not make any stops. One last request. All Major League sporting events in all sports are free thru 2030. Just stand in line, camping outside allowed. (don't worry they'll be plenty of tickets given out under the table for the celebrities, we'll just have to live with that...they get their seats as always) oh by the way, tickets are issued randomly, game day only, starting 5hrs prior to the game. Next ticket out of the machine is yours. Stay safe you nuts...sorry for any msispllinginsgins

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