#but i'm going to be a really incredible person when i can

[olderthannetfic]

I accidentally killed my own desire to write, and I need some advice. To be really blunt about it, what's the point of writing? When I would spend lots of time laboring over making a good story with a plot and characters who were in-character and connecting all the dots narratively so payoffs were satisfying, my reward was dead silence and virtually no clicks. I posted some mindless smut to my side account one day and got more hits in a day than most of my other works combined got in a year. I know, I know. "Write for ~*~yourself~*~" is the common response. It's the "be yourself!" of writing. It's supposed to be a magical phrase that'll make everything okay. But... I don't like knowing that something I spend months working on won't be read by anyone while something I write in a car while bored got thousands of clicks. I don't like making something I'm proud of and then no one ever looks at it. That's not fun for me. It's not fulfilling.

For a solid decade, I've tried to ignore how the level of interactivity in fandom is falling. Fewer comments. Fewer kudos. No comments in the bookmarks. You put your tumblr and Discord in the AN and get a handful of asks and one person who adds you, talks to you twice and then ghosts you. Most of the comments are "well, actuallys", made even more annoying by them being wrong as opposed to actually correcting an error. I avoid fandom drama, wank, and infighting. I don't engage with things I know will make me unhappy. I try to be happy over in my own little corner. I comment on every single work I read. I want people to enjoy fandom. I used to.

Some dumb smut I wrote in 40 minutes gets five times the hits of the writing I'm most proud of, and it gets it in just under three months. I am not a great smut writer. I haven't stumbled onto an incredible talent I had that makes it so the issue is that I'm so amazing my smut brings all the boys to the yard. People just don't like what I write and put effort into. It's very likely that despite 20 years of writing fic, I suck at writing. And people enjoy my writing most when they don't have to put up with anything substantial and can just skip to the sex.

So for the last eight months, when I write, I just sort of give up. Close the Word doc without saving. No one will read this. No one cares about this. There is no fan eagerly awaiting every update like I await updates from my favorite authors. There's not even someone saying, "update soon!" Close the Word doc. Delete old WIPs. There's no point. I do not tell stories worth reading. I used to. In the FFN days people genuinely enjoyed my work. I'd never have had an opportunity to do the 'I won't update until I get 3 reviews' thing because getting that many on a chapter was usually something I'd do overnight. Post before bed. Wake up. Read the reviews before school. I peaked in high school, I guess.

And now I'm just sort of lost. I still have lots of ideas. Ideas for fics fall into my head all the time. That's never been a problem. What I don't have is any motivation to write them. What's the point of writing? If no one else is reading, I guess the point would be so I could go back and read my own story and have fun with it. Write for myself. But I can review the story and have fun with it in my head without writing it down. It's substantially faster and more importantly, isn't incredibly depressing.

So, at the risk of definitely being calld the second-coming of True Art Anon or a troll or validation-seeking or haha mentally ill haha... what's the point of writing?

--

Okay, so write porn in a car while you're bored.

Look, you can whine all you want about my response, but what you've written here is blatantly about depression.

Lots of people in fandom are still interacting. And no, it isn't just on fics that are objectively written to some pro fiction standard or whatever. Teenagers still breathlessly review poorly spelled cracky masterpieces about this year's big anime and so forth.

Yes, there may be reasons why you in particular are in a slump when it comes to fandom friendships or "plz update" comments. We can talk about that. But this ask is all gloom about fandom in general. That's not realism: that's you having a problem.

--

As for why a person should write: because the actual hours you spend doing the writing are fun.

If they aren't pleasurable in some way, find another hobby.

--

But if you want an answer to the age old "Why did my 5 minute fic get 1000000x more asspats", I've seen meta about this for literally decades.

The most likely reason is that the fic we write quickly and without much thought often feels fresher and more fun. The things we labor over endlessly can feel overworked. Even in cases where they don't, they're often heavier subject matter or more niche subject matter. On top of all that, we just care more, so even a high level of feedback doesn't really feel like enough for the effort and care we put in.

--

Do you really need me to tell you why you don't feel the same as in high school when things were fresh and new?

Go read up on combatting burnout or dealing with post-college anxiety or managing stress in a dead-end job in your 30s or finding meaning in your 40s or whatever is going on.

Everyone goes through fallow periods in fandom and in life.

Feeling reinvigorated has to do with internal factors and some general life circumstance stuff. It doesn't have that much to do with number of kudos. That's just the surface trigger for a mood that was already there.

[dvilsdesire]

The many faces of Raphael

So I headcanon that Raphael can be seen as two very different people, depending on who is dealing with him. I truly believe that Raphael acts a lot. It is the nature of a devil, to understand their company and possible opponent, to lean into what it is that he could use against someone, and in turn, to lure them in for his own gain. To be manipulative and attractive, to get inside their head and to get under their skin so they can't stop thinking about what he can GIVE them in return for whatever it is that Raphael wants.

Raphael is a devil, and he is a smart devil, with wit and charm to top off that personality of his.

However, the opposite side of that charm and wit, when he is within company and attempting to manipulate someone, is someone far more cold.

Behind closed doors, Raphael, whilst he is still charming in his own way, and intelligent, is also far less performative, straight to the point, and often cold and blunt. Whilst he still has a very creative vocabulary, there is simply no NEED for it behind closed doors, and it would be wasted energy (unless he's getting something out of it).

This also comes down to the power that Raphael holds and can wield. For mortals on the Material Plane, Raphael is generally in control and much stronger. He can manipulate and control the situation a lot easier than he can in the Hells--for he is the only devil in the room (generally speaking), and he can use that to his advantage. Most mortals are terrified of his kind, and he can use that against them, trapping them and making sure to manipulate the situation so he is their only choice. He is a master at trapping others and even making them feel like they are making their own choice, when really... it's the only choice they actually have left because he's likely taken out the competition.

In the Hells, it's obvious that Raphael is not popular (especially if we can go off Haarlep's letter in endgame). As a cambion child, he would have been looked down upon because of that. If we lean into the theory that he's a nepo baby, it means devils would have hated him even more because of the privileges he was given above others, when that's not supposed to be how the laws of Baator work (though this is a theory I'm sort of... 50/50 on considering those laws).

I honestly think most devils see Raphael and think he's incredibly annoying to deal with, a fucking nerd loser who likes to sing (Yurgir pretty much confirms that Raphael sings even if it's for torture purposes), and is... as what most of the fandom has stated, a theatre dork.

This is where I see Raphael's power shift change in how he acts. If he knows he has the advantage over someone, he is that charming and pompous actor, grandeur in nature. However, when that power shifts, I believe Raphael is far less theatrical, and behind closed doors, he likely is a lot cooler and colder in nature.

I consider his relationship, in particular, with Haarlep, to be something far more domesticated (though not without its power games of course, and Raphael's constant need to attempt to stay in control, though Haarlep is far too good at twisting that control).

The art of a devil is being able to manipulate and gain control, to keep that control and bend anything to his whim. Raphael will always see himself as in control, will always be selfish, and will always be a cruel and sadistic, evil devil. Everything he does, he does for his own gain and benefit, whether or not it's control, power, souls, whatever else, and in doing so, he picks the best personality to go with what will get him what he needs, what people will find attractive in him.

But I do believe that behind closed doors, he drops some of that facade as it's simply not necessary, and especially when he is within the Hells, when that power dynamic can change as other devils are around him he must follow the laws of Baator.

[mirai-e-jump]

TV Life, 9/20/2024 Issue ft. Kamen Rider Gavv Cast Members (translation below)

Publication: September 4, 2024

Chinen Hidekazu x Hino Yusuke x Miyabe Nozomi

"What were your thoughts when you read the script?"

Chinen: I finished reading it in an instant due to how interesting it was. The more I read, the more I was drawn into the world of this show, and my excitement grew so much that I couldn't wait to play the role.

Hino: Me too. I was so curious about future developments, that every time I read the script, I couldn't wait to get the next one (laughs). Every character that appears is full of personality and intricately intertwined, making this a show that I think children, as well as adults will enjoy.

Miyabe: Naturally, the dialogue is interesting and fun to watch, but each and every character actually has their own problems and insecurities. I thought that the depiction of them growing while confronting these issues was wonderful and gives a human feel to the story. I'm personally encouraged by Shouma and the other's hard work and dedication, so I'd like to do my best to deliver the feelings I have to the viewers as well.

"How do you personally view the roles you play?"

Chinen: Shouma's a cheerful and energetic boy who loves to eat. He's usually innocent, adorable, and incredibly charming, but he's also a very mysterious character from another world. I think his clumsy side and his ability to work as hard as he can in everything he does is what'll make the viewers want to cheer for him, so I'd like to keep that in mind as I perform from now on.

Hino: I play the role of Hanto, a young man who works as a freelance writer, and who's pursuing info on the enemy Granutes. One of the unique characteristics of Hanto is that his feelings towards the Granutes are stronger compared to the others, so I'm always conscious of how to express that in my performance. Going forward, I hope you'll also make sure to pay attention to the development that causes him to transform and become Kamen Rider Valen.

Miyabe: Sachika's the gyaru president of the general store "Hapipare." She's really upbeat and energetic, and she's the kind of person who could just go up to the cool and difficult to approach Hanto and say, "Hey there!" I have no gyaru qualities in my everyday life (laughs), so to prepare for the role, I looked at works in which gyarus appeared and incorporated them into Sachika.

"So, to reference the theme of sweets, how would you compare each other to sweets?"

Hino: Because Hide looks so cute and has some fluffy vibes, I guess he'd be a marshmallow. He's perfectly white and pure just like a marshmallow. Truthfully however, because he also has a strong and unshakable core, he'd be candy filled marshmallows!

Chinen: Those exist?! (laughs). Still, being told I have a strong core makes me happy. Nozomi-san would be yokan.

Miyabe: Yokan?! How surprising (laughs).

Chinen: In contrast to the role she plays, Nozomi-san's usually a very refined person, so when I thought, "What elegant sweets are there?," I came up with yokan.

Miyabe: Thank you. Hino-kun is……

Hino: Huh? You seem stuck (laughs). There's tons of variety and something for everyone, isn't there?!

Miyabe: Since he's always positive when communicating with us and the staff, he's a friendly person, so I guess he'd be dagashi. The fact that he's loved by all ages, genders and generations is also appealing.

Hino: I'm relieved you gave a good answer (laughs).

"And, TV Life will start running your "Relay Series" beginning with this issue."

All: Alright! (clapping).

Chinen: Our seniors had also decided on their title. What should we do?

Miyabe: It should include "Gavv."

Hino: Definitely! I'd prefer it to be catchy and easy to remember, but…

Miyabe: I think serializations are a place where each person's individuality can come out, so how about "GavvPare!," which would be a lineup that reflects the essence of Gavv? (from "onparedo" = lineup)

Chinen & Hino: Oh~! Sounds good!

Miyabe: It'd be great if people could get to know the show and us throughout the series.

Chinen: Yeah. The first one will be mine. Once again, we look forward to your support over the coming year! _

GavvPare! Vol.1 (Chinen Hidekazu)

Q. Tell us your memories of sweets!

A. When I was a child, there was a rule in the Chinen house where sweets were only allowed on weekends, and so that in itself lead to a strong desire to eat sweets. Naturally, I didn't take eating them for granted, so I was really happy to spend time on the weekends choosing and eating my favorite sweets. By the way, when I had a craving for something sweet on a weekday, I'd chew on sugar cane as a substitute for sweets. (laughs).

[crazylittlejester]

i'd love to hear all your head canons on Warriors! and the others too if you have any. :)

i'm trying to get into writing fanfiction but its difficult when the canon version of Link is just "blank stare and sometimes arson" /j. Warriors is one of the Links i have the most difficulty with characterization lol (Legend, Hyrule, and Four or also giving me trouble /lh)

aight this is definitely gonna be so much more than you asked for but im not havin a great day and you asked about my special guy and gave me permission to yap about him, so here are a lot of headcanons + the way that I write/characterize him in my own fics! (my bad for spelling errors or if this is incoherent)

- I hc he came from a rather large family out in the country, so he had a lot of sisters growing up and a lot more space than the city but he moved to the city and has stayed there since he joined the army at 15/16

- I know most people hc all the Link’s parents are dead but NOT ME, Wars still has his mom, but he hasn’t been home since he left. I hc he hasn’t been able to bring himself to go home because he feels like the war changed him so much as a person that he won’t belong there and nothing will be the same, and that his family won’t take him back because they’re expecting the same kid who left and he just isnt that person anymore

- I will die on the hill that this man is a fake blond (and that he also straightens his hair). I hc he started dying his hair because he was so desperate to fit in and also to look like the other heroes because his image is incredibly important to him. A whole war was started over him because Cia wanted him, he feels like he needs to at least LOOK like that classic image of the hero. Tied in with this i think he has a lot of insecurity about himself and how he looks because he forces himself to look such a particular way and he’s created this character of himself and acts it out so thoroughly he’s forgotten who HE actually is

- This is a popular hc for him because in his game soldiers turn against him, and you have to fight them in game so a lot of people hc there have been assassination attempts against him and that these include poison. So I hc he has a very intense fear of food that sometimes prevents him from being able to eat all together because he can’t trust where it comes from. Some days he has to watch it be made, some days he has to make it himself, and rarely he just can’t do it. This is all based on my own food allergies and fear of cross contamination, and I also gave him a safe food: oranges! My thinking behind this is that when I get like this eating prepackaged foods are the most comforting to me because it makes me feel like it couldn’t have touched something I’m allergic to, and oranges have a peel which is just a barrier between them and the world. Can they still be poisoned? Absolutely, and Wars knows this, but he’s irrationally dependent on them because in his mind they’re safe because he NEEDS them to be, otherwise he just can’t eat. Like deep down he knows it’s stupid and they’re not guaranteed safe for him, but when he’s panicking he’ll grab those because he’s convinced himself they’re safe and he’s yet to be wrong

- Purely self indulgent hc but I also gave him my blood sugar issues, which is truly just an angst source for me because he’s caught in a trap of having an issue where he HAS to eat semi frequently or bad things will happen but his deep rooted fear of all his food being contaminated makes it really really hard for him to do so

- I hc he’s got a journal that has so so much in it that’s a mix between a diary, battle plans, history book in the making, sketchbook, and more. To me he’s got such a big big brain and a thirst for knowledge and he absorbs history like a SPONGE. He met all these people from other eras during the war and he learned so much about them and their cultures and times, and now he’s going through time to some of these places??? He’s writing that shit DOWN. He’s absolutely the first one to figure out where everyone is on the timeline. He also got used to observing soldiers during battle and noting their strengths and weaknesses so he could plan where to put them in battle and thats just somethin he cannot turn off, so he analyzes the chain and all his notes on them are in this book too. He TELLS them these things, with the intent to help them grow stronger, and he absolutely offers to help them work things out and because of this the group has really become a solid unit. Also the whole thing is written in his native language that NONE of the others can read (I hc he’s brazilian/scottish and his native language is the equivalent of portuguese)

- He’s a very touch oriented person, though the war and his trust issues kinda messed that up for him, but he IS getting better with it. He does much better if he’s the one initiating contact, and he’s definitely a shoulder to lean on for the others and his hugs are very nice

- I hc he HATES shit rubbing against his neck, which is one of the reasons why that scarf is so thoroughly pinned down

- I also hc he came from a family of tailors, so he’s definitely one of the people the chain goes to if they need sewing help

- He’s the one who gives the others haircuts, and he taught Wind how to properly care for his curly hair

- I hc he has temperature regulation issues because of the severe burn scarring Volga left him with, so he and Wild are ALWAYS the first two to overheat

i have more, i could talk about him for hours, but my brain is getting fuzzy so i’ll stop here for now lmao sorry for yapping so much 😭

[saurongorthaur9]

ROP S2E7 Spoilers

So...the stupid kiss did indeed happen, and as promised yesterday, I need to vent and get it out of my system. It was every bit as stupid and unnecessary as I feared it would be; somehow, I was hoping if that was what happened, that somehow it wouldn't be as bad as it sounded? But yeah...it was. This is probably going to be a pretty long post, as I've been thinking a lot about what bothers me so much about it as a concept and I have a lot of Thoughts.

A disclaimer to begin with: yeah, part of me is disappointed that it wasn't the kiss I hoped it would be, but I knew from the start that a Sauron kiss would be very, very unlikely. If it had happened, it would have been less about a ship for me, and more about the validation for me of getting an onscreen Sauron kiss in a huge, professional production as I've written about in other posts. I would have loved a Sauron kiss, but that's not what is really bothering me on more than a surface level. So with that disclaimer aside...

I think I can break what bothers me down into two basic categories.

The first is more straightforward: it was SO unnecessary. Yes, there needed to be some way for Galadriel to get free, but there are so many ways it could have been set up without a weird, incredibly uncomfortable kiss that came out of absolute nowhere being necessary. He could have gently stroked her hair and slipped it behind her ear or into her hair itself (I used to have very long hair, and a pin like that would definitely get stuck if you tucked it in.) If they wanted to go the humorous, cliché route, they could have had him sneak it to her in a pie (that's a joke, I'm also glad they didn't do that, but my point is, they had options).

They could have set up the scene with a different tone and gone the Frodo-and-Sam-as-orcs route and had them fake a fight. I actually would have loved this. It could have been a culmination of the resentment and tension that's been building between the two of them all season to let off some steam at each other. It could have been one of those "we're fake fighting, but we're also real fighting at the same time" sort of scenes (which are delicious when pulled off right) where we could have gotten some real interesting character development and relationship development between the two of them before the orcs pulled them apart (but not before Elrond slipped the pin into her hand or tunic while pretending to push her or something).

The kiss however did nothing. Per my last two paragraphs, it being a kiss wasn't necessary for the plot. It didn't do anything to reveal anything about Elrond and Galadriel's relationship or develop it in any way. It didn't develop either Elrond or Galadriel's character in any way. It was purely and utterly for shock value.

And that's the first big thing: I really hate things used for shock value. It's a personal pet peeve of mine. And to make it clear, there's a different between using something for shock value and doing something shocking. Mirdania's death was pretty shocking, but it served the purposes of both showing how utterly ruthless Sauron is and solidified the elven soldiers' doubt in Celebrimbor's sanity. But using something for mere cheap shock value is so disappointing of the show. The writing had been SO good, everything had been so deliberate and intentional, that it made the sudden breach of that even more jarring and unpleasant.

And it makes me super worried for the future of the show. This show isn't Game of Thrones; it doesn't need shock value. But now they've set the precedent that adding pure shock value is okay for this show. It makes me afraid what else down the road will be thrown in the audience faces just to illicit an unpleasant reaction.

The second major thing that is bugging me about that scene is a little more insidious and subtle. I've seen people saying "it wasn't romantic", but the thing is, whether or not it was intended, romantic tension has now been introduced to Elrond and Galadriel's dynamic. Let me explain.

That scene was a pretty clear example of the Forced Proximity Trope. For anyone who doesn't know what that means, it's the trope of forcing two characters into a circumstance where they share space or physical intimacy that they wouldn't otherwise share. The most infamous version of it is the There Was Only One Bed trope. And the thing is, it's an incredibly romantic-coded trope. It's almost always used between two characters who have suppressed feelings for one another as a way to force them to confront said suppressed feelings. Even if it's used in a not explicitly romantic way, it still sends a subconscious message of romantic tension because that is what that trope is almost exclusively used for.

So yes, there is now romantic tension between Elrond and Galadriel, and I have a feeling they don't plan on doing anything about it.

At this point, I'd almost feel better if they went all the way and went ahead with the subconscious romantic tension. Like, putting Elrond and Galadriel in a romantic relationship wouldn't be my thing personally, but at least it would provide a sense that the writers had a purpose for the scene and for creating that tension. Dropping that and then not going anywhere else with it, and letting that tension fester for the rest of the series without acknowledging it or doing anything about it would be so disappointing and insulting to the audience.

But again, I'll be very surprised if they ever bring it up again.

And I'm sure the writers knew what they were doing. The only two options are that they were oblivious to the connotations of using that trope or that they knew full well, and used it anyway. And I suspect it's the latter. As good as the overall writing for this season has been, I just can't imagine the writers aren't aware of what they were doing in using that trope. I mean, they've deliberately used a number of romantic-coded tropes to build up the Galadriel/Sauron tension. They aren't oblivious, which means they used the Forced Proximity Trope deliberately and fully aware of it's implications.

It just really seriously damaged my faith in the writing of the show, just when I'd been building it up after some big disappointments from Season 1. Again, they've set a precedent, and I'm really worried this isn't the last time they'll pull something ridiculous like this.

Maybe somehow they'll turn it around. Maybe they'll have Galadriel and Elrond bring it up again and deal with the tension, maybe they do plan to have a romantic subplot between the two of them, or maybe they have something planned down the road that will put that moment in a light that shows it as something other than shock value. But I'm currently pretty pessimistic about that happening.

And it's extra disappointing, because the rest of that episode was absolutely amazing. That one bad moment stands out like a wine stain on a white dress because the rest of the episode was so good.

Anyway, that's my rant. I just had to vent and get my thoughts out of my head where they've been swirling. If anyone is feeling the same way and wants to vent with me, my inbox and messages are open.

[creatingblackcharacters]

I haven't seen anyone post Madam Director Lucretia from the DnD podcast The Adventure Zone: Balance Arc so I'm going to!! 😤☺️

(Art by defenestratin)

Her character was controversial in the fandom and was a fascinating morally gray in canon imo, being the mysterious/cold/distant/intimidating director of the Bureau of Balance tasking Magnus, Taako, and Merle to go collect the story's plot macguffins: the Grand Relics.

As the campaign progresses though, and as she is coerced to spends more time with the boys while they're at base and is dragged into their silly antics again and worries about them on their dangerous missions, her softer side creeps out, her backstory is revealed on how she became "Madam Director" instead of "Lucretia," and she eventually plays a controversial role in the overarching plot as well as the finale.

(Art by Rabdoidal)

I'm glad it seems people are warming up to her these days (she's won some fan polls even!!) Cuz I think a lot of the controversy stemmed from people understanding but not really accepting that good-intentioned, loving people can make incredibly toxic decisions in the name of that love, and that intense trauma can cause even the kindest people to make the worst, irrational choices with terrible, unforeseen consequences, and that other people can choose to forgive even if you, personally, wouldn't forgive them. (All the people complaining *SPOILERS* she doesn't die at the end to atone her crimes 🔫 *spray bottles you*)

She just tries so hard and suffers such heavy personal loss across this campaign in the background, all for the sake of her friends whom she cherishes so dearly, even when it left her so emotionally shielded/alone for years, and the fact they choose in the end to look past all the damage and hurt and to just see Her and make the choice to love her anyway and and!!! 🥺🥺🥺😭🤧

I just love her a normal, healthy amount. [Send ask.]

"Madam Director" yeah I love how that sounds. That first piece is so gorgeous, I dream of being that skilled with line work 😭 If it's one thing I hate it's when people die to atone for crimes 🙄 the only way you get to die is if I kill you. Otherwise, get your ass up and start doing some repenting! I'm sorry, death does not cancel out ones actions imo. But I also get into it with peers about "not speaking ill of the dead", so. I'm glad that people are maturing to her, she sounds like quite the character.

Hot Chocolate: oooo the art for this character is dope! I love that she has depth, she's not just cold and bitter, she has plot relevant trauma and very natural reactions. Is she a player character or NPC? Also she works for the bureau of balance, that honestly requires a certain temperament in my mind; because you can't just be good, sometimes you gotta be bad. 🤷🏿‍♂️ Anywho what's her class? I'm assuming she's human. Lastly, "Hot Diggity Shit" is my new phrase 🤣

[uncanny-tranny]

Whenever people who are entrenched in diet culture talk about how terrible chemicals are, I just want to whip out this:

[front-facing-pokemon]

[wayfayrr]

I hope life eases up soon man, take care of yourself

Thanks mate <3

stuff's starting to gradually get better now, actually let myself feel feelings after bottling them till it popped

just kinda turns out that throwing yourself into something so you're numb to the other things can really burn you out :') So I'm trying to find motivation to write and answer asks again, I'm hoping it'll be soon but idk atp

[sayheykid]

i genuinely don't think a story's worldbuilding and lore has ever drawn me in the way that check please did. it's been years and i still think about it every day. the characters and plot were always superb but i think what has stuck with me the most is the depth of the settings and how everything feels so lived in and tangible. everyone wants to make a fake world and town and university but no one else has EVER done it that well

[yesterdayiwrote]

Thinking about the whole "Daimler/Mercedes refused to make Lewis a Brand Ambassador" argument, I can see from some angles why they may have been hesitant to commit to it?

Sure, on paper you've got a huge mega star of the sport (and sport in general) advertising your brand, your products and promoting them worldwide. Someone who easily generates headlines as well... It seems a no brainer.

But whats the one area that Lewis has always taken a back seat and a more hands off approach in during his time as their driver? Marketing duties. He doesn't like doing them and he largely opts not to participate in them. A brand ambassador role is just one big marketing job and paying someone $100m to do something in the one area they've always been... flaky in. I can definitely see why the numbers guys are a bit hesitant to commit to that?

Look at people like David Beckham, who's become a walking advertising agency since he retired from football. That's becoming what a lot of brands expect from their ambassadors. Is that a direction that Lewis currently feels like he's going to follow? Will.I.Am is a Mercedes brand ambassador (for a fraction of the price I'm sure) and look what they have him doing...

[s4pphic-sh3nan1gans]

love that my mum just gave me a lecture (more like an unnecessary reason to argue with me though tbh) about internet safety as if I'm doing something really terrible and I'm a vulnerable, naïve child when I'm literally almost 20 years old :)

[bluesidedown]

.

[nintendont2502]

on one hand. it's deeply funny how whenever I'm in a new situation/I'm busy my bodies just like yeah we don't need food right it's fineee and then I barely eat because I forget to/don't feel like it. on the other hand I would really like to. yk. try more Japanese food while I'm here? like cmon man work with me here

[burstingsunrise]

If you managed to process it, I would love to hear a story about your experience at Luke's Fonda show🥰 No pressure though, only if you want😊

funny timing for this, i wrote up a little summary post a while ago and have been kind of working up to posting it.

it's hard, because how do you adequately summarize something that means so much to you? it feels like nothing i say will be enough, but i do want to share some things about it, because i think that will help it feel real. thank u for asking and providing the encouragement. <3 emo bullet points ahead! i tried to focus mainly on show-related things but this experience wasn't just important to me because of the shows, so some of the other stuff sneaks in.

that’s the first thing. it didn’t feel real, and it still kind of doesn’t. because i was only there for a few days, and i spent every morning getting coffee with meg and every night seeing luke perform my favorite album. like…that’s not real. that can’t be real. 

accidentally but unsurprisingly coordinating outfits with meg on night one. the scientology recruiter on the sidewalk recognizing us from the day before when we’d walked by.

stress buying armloads of merch from an incredibly patient and probably at least somewhat high guy who immediately forgot about me, but who i will probably forever remember fondly.

roy and the mustard having a chat in the balcony.

standing in the crowd waiting for the first show to start. all of the anticipation mixed with all these different emotions, and then finally luke appears on stage. sings the opening of a beautiful dream. the lights shine on him more brightly as it crescendos and we finally get a good look at him. i turn to meg and i say “he’s so sparkly.”

comedown on night one. hearing “let me see all the things that i was supposed to see” while i was there. seeing it.

being able to look over at meg meaningfully when certain things happened during the shows, including but not limited to luke’s gratuitous displays of ass. poetic, really.

leaving the venue night one, in a daze. one of the security guys saying “have a good night” on our way out the door. he had no idea. no fucking idea what we’d just been through. have a good night! now that your lives have been changed forever! sausages on the sidewalk.

collapsing in the hotel lobby, quietly reviewing photos and videos, actually being able to do it openly and to talk about it or not talk about it, and to finally start to have it sink in.

staying up way too late, and eventually falling asleep in my new luke shirt.

the woman with the intense boston accent who hopped on the elevator and immediately asked me if the hotel had a coffee shop with a level of desperation in her voice that spoke to me deeply.

finding sam and meghna in line for night two, and the strange euphoria of speaking openly about things I almost never can to people i just met, but also already knew. being annoying and posting the same palm trees. wishing it would have worked out for emie to be there too.

grabbing meg’s hand to pull her into the crowd on night two. the feeling of relief. somehow we did it. two nights, two shows, two opportunities for everything to go wrong, but actually everything (or at least the things that mattered most) went right.

every time luke gazed our direction, on night two, which felt like a lot, and how every time it was kind of unbearable in the best way. because it’s him and because he was singing songs that mean so much to me while it felt like he was staring into my soul, and because i could look over at meg and know she knew exactly what i was feeling.

the shows going by so fast. i tried so hard to be in the moment and appreciate every second, but it was such a strange, out of body experience. this was something i’d daydreamed about and pictured in my head, but i never thought it was a real possibility. and even in my daydreams, i couldn’t fathom being that close to luke and being there with meg while it happened. it felt surreal that these things were actually happening to me.

the way luke smiled during the breakdown in mum, but also looked like he was dying so beautifully during place in me. admiring his large mouth during slip away. (it really does some riveting things to hit those points of emphasis.)

all the times he ran his hands through his hair to push it back off his forehead. all the times it fell right back where it was. the way he started the shows with it styled, but by comedown it was already just a perfect mess.

his silver nails and his new necklaces and the way his eyes sparkled.

night two, when luke started singing the new bloodline verse. that moment of “what is this? i don’t know this?” it hits different when it’s a song you know so well it’s like it’s a part of you, and suddenly there’s something new to it. thinking about those new lyrics, where they came from, how long they’ve existed, when and why luke decided to add them in, but just for night two.

the talking breaks, ranging from “i’m fuckin’ terrified” early on night one to “can you see my nipples in this shirt” late on night two. octopuses hanging from the ceiling. he didn’t know if anyone would like the album. but he knows we like to scream. making the album was such a very him thing to do, and it’s friday, and he’s in love.

the confetti cannon going off during starting line on night two, being positioned so it rained confetti into my hair, into my purse, down my shirt. it was blue and white and silver because of course it was, because luke thinks about these things.

his smiles and waves and little bows at the end. the shuffle step off stage and the way i watched his back disappear into the darkness until i couldn’t see him at all.

spending both shows with my hands clasped over my heart. it wasn’t a conscious choice. it’s just where they landed.

being stuck in the crowd after the night two show ended, surrounded by groups of people taking pictures of each other’s mascara tears or lying facedown in the confetti. seeing myself in some of those photos a few days later on twitter. and not just those photos - photos from the stage too. the photo luke posted (and took down). and the photo where meg and i are looking up at him with lovestruck smiles.

walking down hollywood boulevard at night, almost silent. walking down the other side of hollywood boulevard the next night, dodging drunk people, talking about luke’s nipples.

making the most absurd pouty face and waving pathetically on the elevator as i left meg on the 9th floor for the last time, then trying not to sob stepping out onto the 16th.

the trip home. feeling physically awful from several days living on iced lattes, kind bars, and no sleep. emotionally drained, sad to be leaving luke and la and meg. sitting at the airport, wishing i could be with my friends at the beach instead.

getting home, unpacking, tucking away my confetti for safekeeping. so incredibly happy but also so devastated to know that it really is possible to have it all, but only for a few days. grateful i had the chance at all, and that it worked out as well as it did.

[bataranqs]

10 Happy Things

May 11, 2024

Slept most of the day let's gooo

My bed and clothes are so warm and cozy

Called my mom and apparently she was out with people but she stepped outside to talk to me for a bit before going back to them and just feeling very very loved

My mom called me back and I talked to my sisters for nearly two hours hwjoiegdjkl we're just absolute nerds the lot of us

The Bible Plan I've been doing these past few days is just re-looking at everything from the basis of just get right with God, are you following Jesus and it's been very comforting to have that reminder like it is relational, it is supposed to be a delightful life we're living, there's no stress at all about doing x or y and if you're supposed to, it will not be anything but good

I can't really move my toes individually (except the ones at the ends) and I think it's kinda cute. They're a pack. They're friends. Do Not Separate.

The Tim Horton's White Hot Chocolate is so insanely good

Dungeon Meshi is such a good manga broooo

There are so many joys that I don't think I'll run out of them, and isn't that just the most delightful thing ever?

When I started this list I was feeling a little tired but now I'm quite happy and excited!! I'm so grateful to Katie for getting me into this, and my friends who also do stuff like this