#but im afraid of writing them too inaccurately | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

saliyahdomera · 1 year

Text

House of Horrors -S.S

in which you’re betrothed to Ominis but Sebastian has other plans that lead to a night of horrors in the Gaunt Manor

AGED UP TO 18 (in this AU, they get married at 20 instead)

Warning: cussing, some sexual content but not full blown smut, inaccurate social standings and customs and such blah blah, made up Gaunt family members, made up Gaunt names, sorry not sorry, some violence and gore

This horrible and I am so so so sorry. It’s a good plot in my opinion but man I do not know how to write. I apologize in advance. I promise Im a good writer, this one just did not turn out for me but I wanted to post it anyways….

lmk if i missed anything!!

MINOR DNI!! 18+ HIGHLY ADVISED

I heard murmuring downstairs as I exited my room. Descending the stairs, there stood the Gaunt’s. Being bethrothed to the youngest son, Ominis since I was born meant a lot of things. It meant always being seen with him in the social eye, being his eyes when Sebastian couldn’t, and even living with his family.

When my parents died, the Gaunt’s took me in to keep up their end of the deal in light of everything. My family’s fortune was in my hands now, and when Ominis and I get married in two years, our families will combine and so will our riches.

I wasn’t the only one who lived with them. Sebastian Sallow, Ominis’ best friend and his Lord-In-Waiting. Sebastian was always right behind Ominis, being his eyes and making sure he was always taken care of. They were quite inseparable and I’ve grown quite fond of both of them.

“Good morning dear, I hope you slept well.”

“I did, thank you my Lord.” I bowed before Damocles Gaunt, the head of the household and Ominis’ father.

“You do not have to be so formal. Please dear.” He smiled as I muttered a small ‘sorry’ his way. It felt improper not to address him as such.

Everyone was gathered around the table as I sat next to Ominis. “Y/N!” His eldest sister, Catherine, spoke up. “Della and I were going to go pick up our dresses for the ball next week. Would you like to accompany us?”

Ominis had a large family. Being the youngest of seven kids was never easy for him. He was the last to do everything, right now that being married.

The eldest is Catherine, at 28. She has been married to Silas Huntington for 8 years now and has 2 children. Ida, 6 and Lyla, 3.

Next would be the eldest brother, Otto at 26. Him and his wife, Cornelia O’Hara, have been together for 6 years. They have one daughter, Fawn who just turned 2.

Francis is the second eldest brother, at 24. Him and his wife, Charlotte Roûge have been together for 4 years and have twins, Rita and Etta , both just turned 2.

Della is the designated middle child at 21. Her and her husband, Warren Carnell just announced they were pregnant, which is why all the siblings are in town.

The twins, Victor and Genevieve, beat Ominis by 2 years. They are both freshly married to Josephine Beckham and Benjamin Allard.

Ominis is the youngest, at 18. He’s been bethrothed since birth like the rest of his siblings. The only differences between their marriages and his are that his future wife needs to be able to guide him due to his blindness, and so far, no male heirs have been born. Unless his sister Della has a son, it’s up to him to bore an heir to the Gaunt lineage.

Having a child scared him though, he was afraid it was inherit his blindness and suffer as he does.

I looked to Catherine and nodded, “I would love to. I don’t think I have anything to wear.” She reached for my hands and smiled.

“Oh I’m so glad to hear that. I was hoping you didn’t. I sort of had one made for you.”

—

Catherine led me into the back of the shop to the fitting rooms where my dress she had made was waiting for me. She was giddy along with Della, who had come in to make some alterations around her newly popped belly. “Go on! I’ll go get into mine too.”

She ran off as I stepped behind the curtain. In front of me stood the most breathtaking dress. A long dark green velvet gown with a square necklace and long sleeves. The breast line was dropped and the skirt was lined with a beautiful pattern made of gold lace. I took it off the hanger as a woman came in to help me get into it.

Once it was on, I couldn’t move. It fit perfectly. It was a slimmer fit, but not scandalous. I ran my fingers over the fabric, feeling every little detail to take note.

Everytime I got a dress, I had to memorize it with my fingers so I could describe it to Ominis. It was always disappointing getting all beautiful just for him not to be able to see it. Memorizing the feeling made it easier, that way he could at least get a picture in his head.

Stepping out, Catherine was stood there waiting for me, Della at her side.

Catherine’s dress was a traditional high breast line dress with shorter cap sleeves. It was a beautiful baby blue, her husband’s family color. It had slight navy detailing throughout with a gold waistband.

Della’s was a mix. Longer sleeves graced her arms while a higher breast line was sewn in to adapt to her growing belly. It was a beautiful blush with gold detailing throughout.

“Wow.” Catherine walked up to me, looking me over and spinning me around. “You look spectacular!”

“You picked wonderfully Catherine.” She held my hands there for a moment before Della came over as well.

“You’re going to be such a beautiful bride for Ominis. You make him so happy, it’s refreshing to see him smile.” Della tucked a piece of hair behind my ear as she spoke. “Thank you.”

“She’s right, I’m overjoyed you were chosen to marry our sweet baby brother.” Catherine chimed in before we went to change.

While the shopkeeper’s assistant was helping me get out of my dress, I couldn’t help but feel guilty. I did care for Ominis but, I wasn’t as loyal and doting as his family made me out to be. Marrying into a darker family such as the Gaunt’s was hard on me. While it may seem they are all caring and sweet to me, it doesn’t mean I don’t see what goes on behind the scenes.

I took solice where I could, and that was in the arms of Ominis’ Lord In Waiting, Sebastian Sallow.

Late nights wrapped in his arms, his hands combing through my hair while he listens to my worries. He gives me peace when things get dark at the manor. Sebastian is always there when I need him to be.

It was an innocent friendship, until it wasn’t.

Late one night, I was in Sebastian’s quarters talking to him about the latest developments in the Gaunt family that had me frazzled. “I just don’t understand Sebastian. I wish Ominis was spared from all of this. I wish the whole family would quit, it’s worrisome.”

He sighed, “I know, I’ve been living with them since birth. Lady Gaunt’s old lady in waiting was my mother. When she died in child birth, they raised me to be Ominis’ right hand man.” He cleared his throat as I looked up to listen to him. “It’s hard watching them partake in such devious affairs, but it’s our duty to be silent and show up when called.” The way he was looking at me made me stomach flutter. “You know better than me how hard this is. As much as Ominis may love you, to the rest of his family, you’re just a baby maker, the heir carrier. You are only here for Ominis to use you for his own heir making desires.” His tone darkened as he spoke.

“Sebastian I know my-“ Before I could finish, his lips were on mine. It was heveanly. I knew how wrong it was, and if anyone found out I’d be ruined and the Gaunt’s would probably kill us both. I was supposed to be saved for Ominis, but Sebastian’s lips on mine was too enticing to pull away. His hands wrapped around me as he pulled me closer to him, my hand quickly tangling in his hair.

He pulled away quickly, shock and regret lacing his features. “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what happened. I can’t believe I just did that to you-“

“Shut up and do it again.” I pulled at his collar as his lips were on mine again. I couldn’t get enough once I got a taste.

This had been going on for a couple of months, and it’s escalated over time. It went from innocent kissing to intimate pleasure. The guilt weighed heavily on me, but 90% of the time, Sebastian and I were the only ones in the manor. The Gaunt’s were never home, or at least not all of them at once. They were always off making deals or killing or sacrificing. They were always involved in dark wizard schemes, leaving Sebastian and I alone in the manor.

He had ruined me, we both knew that. My pureness was taken from me, my innocence gone. We both knew how wrong it was, and how much Ominis would be hurt if he ever found out, but we were addicted to each other. I felt even more guilty because I had caught feelings. He saw me as a human being and not just someone to produce an heir to the Gaunt fortune. I wasn’t just a baby maker to him, he saw my personality and got to know me.

The guilt hit me hard in the dressing room hearing Ominis’ sisters speak that way. I knew deep down I had to end things and come clean, but I wasn’t ready to face the consequences.

But I was afraid I already had.

Over the last week or two, I had noticed some odd signs indicating something wrong with my health. I was afraid I had caught a disease. I know my older sister warned me of diseases caught from these activities and the signs. If a man was unclean, or things were too frequent, I could catch something.

It worried me, and I was afraid someone else would see the signs and out two and two together.

—

Back at the manor, we were all eating dinner when Lord Gaunt stood up, lifting his cup. “I just want to say that not only am I so glad to have all of my children in my home again, but to the new additions coming soon. Another grand baby, hopefully an heir and a new wife, to bring us heirs.” He raised his glass as everyone drank to the toast. I looked to Sebastian, and I realized he was right. I am nothing more than my womb.

And now I’m afraid I’ve caught something that may inhibit my ability to bare children.

—

The day before the ball, I decided to secretly sneak to go see the house doctor, without anyone’s knowledge.

“What brings you here? You’re not in for a yearly check in for a couple of months? Are you sick?”

“I think so. I don’t know how I got it, but I’ve not been feeling right.”

“What signs are you having?” I spoke to him about my worries and concerns before he said he should do a wellness check. He sat me down and angled me so he could take a look to make sure I was healthy for my bethrothed.

“I’m just going to make sure everything is healthy down here. If you have a problem and cannot bare children, we will need to take immediate action.” I grimaced as he started the examination.

“Oh.” His tone had me worried.

“What? Do I have something?” My breathing was speeding up.

“Ma’am,” he made me decent and sat me up. “Pardon me for asking, but have you and Ominis…?”

“No!! We have not! Why do you ask?”

He took a deep breath, ask if he was searching for the words. “Don’t lie to me please. Have you let any man-“

“No! How dare you assume! What’s wrong with me? Please just tell me!”

“You are with child.” I sat there in shock. I was always close with Doctor Keizer, but there’s no way I could go this far into my personal life. I knew I could always go to him when I had issues, especially before Sebastian and I grew close. “Now, Y/N. Will you please tell me what happened? You know what you say in here stays in here. Who’s is it?”

I couldn’t believe it. How would I pull this off? People will begin to notice my symptoms. Ominis will surely know what I had done. “Please Y/N, we need to figure this out so I can help you.”

“Sebastian Sallow, the Lord-In-Waiting to Ominis.” Doctor Keizer cleared his throat.

“Oh dear.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Well, you have options. I won’t make you decide anything this moment, but I suggest you take a few days to weigh the risks and benefits. Please come see me when you know. And please trust, this doesn’t leave my office. Your secret is safe with me.”

“Thank you.” He gave me shoulder a pat before sending me on my way.

What was I going to do?

—

(Sebastian)

It was the night of the ball, and I was fortunate enough to be invited to each one of these every year. Since I was Ominis’ eyes in public, I was automatically assigned to accompany him to every ball.

Ominis was very self sufficient, a wonderful dancer and usually good at finding his way around but he knew I loved going to these.

Ominis thinks it’s because I like the social aspect, or dressing up. I really enjoy going because Y/N always looks so breathtaking. I know it’s wrong, but how could I not love her? She’s so beautiful and she has such a kind heart. Her laugh lights up the room and her smile makes my heart stutter. She is so intelligent and has such an incredible personality.

She takes my breath away everytime she speaks.

I know I should tell my best friend that I’m bedding his future wife, but I can’t give her up yet. She’s addicting, every touch, every taste. I crave her presence, her kiss. I can’t live without her.

“Are you ready?” Ominis knocked on my door as he entered. I straightened my jacket before replying with a ‘yes’.

The ride there was silent. Something was on Ominis’ mind and I knew not to poke and prod.

The ball was beautiful, the Black family always throw the biggest ball of the year, and somehow it’s always better than the year before. I stood with Ominis, his father and the rest of Ominis’ brothers and brother in laws. The women of the family always rode seperately, as to make a special entrance. The crowd was silenced not long after the men had arrived as the servant at the door announced the women.

“Ladies and gentlemen! I now introduce Lady Amelia Gaunt, her daughters Lady Catherine Huntington, Lady Della Carnell-“ He went on to list the many women who were apart of the Gaunt family. I only cared about the last name. Y/N’s name was always last, and Iloved seeing her enter every time. “And finally, Duchess Y/N L/N, bethrothed to Ominis Gaunt.” The crowd bowed to them as the descended the stairs and towards the men. All the wives took their husband’s to dance. Lord and Lady Gaunt never really danced, they preferred to watch their children dance.

I watched intently as Y/N walked up to Ominis as he escorted her to the dance floor. It was intrigued me how she taught him to dance with her without sight. I would always notice a little tap or squeeze to signal him what to do. They had a secret language only the two of them understood, but it made for beautiful dances between them. Over the years I caught on to a few of the signals, but each one is so unique that it was rare.

I looked around at everyone dancing, disappointed that I will never have a chance to go find a wife. My position doesn’t allow for that, especially since my mother disobeyed that rule when she had me. “Why don’t you go dance with someone? I’m sure one of my daughters would love to dance with you!” Lady Gaunt grabbed my arm and smiled down at me.

“It’s okay, I would feel horrible taking them from their husbands. I prefer to sit back and watch.” She nodded and resumed watching. Little did she know I did want to dance, but only with one girl out there. I watched as they danced song after song. After awhile as everyone bowed to their partners, Ominis and Y/N returned as she whispered something to him and he smiled. I heard Ominis reply ‘why not?’ before letting her go to stand next to his mother.

That’s when time slowed down. Y/N walked up to me and held her hand out. “May I have this dance Mr. Sallow?” She smiled and I thought I was going to faint. I looked to Ominis before he spoke up, not even turning my way.

“Go Sebastian. Have some fun.” I took her hand as I led her out to the floor. We danced and I held her close. This was a dream come true. She looked stunning tonight in the dark green velvet gown. Her hair was tied back and she wore beautiful family jewels around her neck and on her head.

“You okay? You look dazed.” She laughed at me as I returned to the moment.

“Very much so.” I watched her lips curl up in a smile before it fell. “Are you?”

“Yes, just very bored of these events. It’s always the same.” I laughed at her.

“Well at least tonight I actually got out and danced. This is the first time I’ve done this.”

She stared at me with surprise. “For someone who’s never danced, you’re very good at this.”

“Don’t flatter me. The Gaunt’s still trained me, I just never got out like this in the social eye. Especially with my best friend’s bethrothed-“ I stopped talking as I saw her face drop in what seemed to be horror before quickly snapping back to a pleased expression.

As I spun her I looked to see what she was looking at, I saw someone speaking to Lord Gaunt as he was staring Y/N down. Something was wrong and now I was worried. I couldn’t let her out of my sight. As I caught another glance, I saw him point me out as well, it seems something is very wrong. I was worried for both of our safety now.

The dance ended as she bowed but she shot me a look that let me know she knew she was in trouble. She walked to Ominis while I was frozen. I slowly exited the dance floor to get a refreshment when Lord Gaunt appeared behind me. “Don’t think I don’t know what you’ve been up to, what you say about my family.” Before I could turn around to respond, he was gone, and so was Y/N.

This was not good.

The night continued on, and none of the other family members seemed to know where they had disappeared to.

As time dragged on, I felt like we were never going to leave until Ominis answered my prayers. “Can you escort me out? We are heading back to the mansion. My mother said there’s some business I need to attend to.”

“Is everyone coming?”

“No, just us three.”

My stomach was spinning in the carriage the whole way back to the manor. Something didn’t feel right and I think Ominis knew too. He was quieter than usual and although he may not know what was wrong, he knew something was off. With his other senses heightened, he was very keen on picking little disturbances up quickly.

Arriving to the manor, it felt eerie. It didn’t feel like my home anymore, it felt like a trap, a prison.

Ominis hesitated before following his mother in, leaving me to be the last to walk in.

I never expected to see what was before me in the grand entrance. While Lady Gaunt and Ominis walked up the stairs to their respective chambers, before me stood Lord Gaunt, Y/N tied with her hands behind her sat beside him. She was tied to the chair and obviously she had been tortured. Her hair was a mess and there were marks and blood covering her body. She was left in nothing but her corset and pants. She was struggling to breathe and her eyes were puffy with tears. I looked up quickly to notice Ominis standing above us on the grand staircase out of his father’s eyeline. While he could not see, by his facial expression Ominis knew exactly what was happening.

“Sebastian. Welcome back, I hope you had fun at the ball.”

“What is going on?”

He smirked as he drew his wand out of his sleeve. “I know what you’ve been saying about my family. How you don’t care for our ways of business, or how you don’t support the ways of dark wizards. You don’t believe in killing what you claim to be ‘innocents’.”

“What are you talking about?!” I took a step forward before he spoke up again, his tone harsh now.

“I don’t care who dies, but since you do, indulge me and I might just spare the mother of your unborn child.” His wand flew to her throat, making her cry out in pain from it digging into the skin of her neck.

My eyes flew open wide, she was with child? “What?”

“Don’t play stupid boy. I know what you did to her, going behind Ominis’ back. You took her for yourself and she went willingly. You’re lucky I don’t kill you right now for what you’ve done to this family.”

“I had no idea. She never told me! I am so sorry, I wish I had known.”

“Do you want to know what you can do to atone for the sins you’ve committed?”

I didn’t say anything, instead I couldn’t help but stare at her, she was carrying my child, and I did not even know and now she’s suffering because of me. “Kneel.”

“What?”

“You heard me Sallow, get on your knees. Pledge your allegiance to me and I might just spare her. He dug his wand deeper into her neck, making her cry out again. “GET ON YOUR KNEES!”

His voiced boomed and echoed throughout the mansion. I looked to her then to Ominis. He shook his head as if he knew I was watching. “Kneel boy!” Y/N cried out in pain again which mad me drop to one knee. “That’s a good boy.” I heard him walk towards me and take the point of his wand to lift my head up by my chin to look up at him. “Now do you care to tell me why you decided to go and rip the innocence from my son’s bethrothed?” In the corner of my eye, I saw Ominis untie Y/N and rush her upstairs.

“I love her sir.”

—

(you)

“I love her sir.” I stopped in my tracks as Ominis tried to pull me to safety. I slowly turned to see the wreckage I have caused. Sebastian met my eyes as Ominis pulled on my arm again.

“We have to go now!” He pulled harder as I followed him, having to tear my eyes away from Sebastian. I heard yelling from his father and Sebastian soft, saddened voice. I couldn’t make out what they were saying as Ominis and I reached the top of the staircase, the full view in front of us. I looked to see Sebastian kneeled, Lord Gaunt across the room from him. I saw Sebastian say something before looking down. Time slowed as I rushed to the railing as Lord Gaunt raised his arm and yelled.

“Avada Kedavra!!”

I gripped the railing with one hand as I watched the horror unfold before me. My right hand reached out as I leaned over the railing, a blood curdling scream leaving my throat. “Sebastian!! No!!” I felt like I was going to collapse when Ominis grabbed me and ripped me away from the scene that just unfolded.

“We have to go!” As I let Ominis lead me away, I couldn’t rip my eyes away from Sebastian’s lifeless body. I felt numb. The man I loved was dead, and it was all my fault. I watched as he slowly disappeared from my sight as Ominis kept leading me somewhere. My feet were moving but there was no noise, I was not there. I was with Sebastian’s body, mourning him as he lay cold on the floor.

I did not see my surroundings or where Ominis had finally stopped us, I didn’t even realize I had gotten into a carriage. I was stuck with the image of Sebastian’s final breathe burned on the back of my eyelids.

I will never forget the burning of my vocal chords as I screamed for him.

The flashing of green is engraved into the back of my brain.

Ominis’ voice was faint, the words mumbled and incoherent. All I could hear was Sebastian’s words “I love her sir.” He loved me and it was that love that caused him to die.

A piece of me died with him that day.

A piece of me will forever reside in the grand entrance of that manor.

A piece of me will be left with Sebastian’s body whether he’s buried or burned.

But yet a piece of Sebastian lived on in me.

“Y/N? Please react. Let me know you’re there somewhere.”

“Ominis…”

“I know.” He reached out to find my head before leaning it on his shoulder and wrapping his arms around me, rubbing my back and combing my hair down. “I know…” His voice while calm, was broken.

And I think a piece of him died that day as well.

#sebastian sallow smut #sebastian sallow x reader #hogwarts legacy ominis #ominis x you #ominis gaunt #ominis x y/n #sebastian sallow #hogwarts legacy #ominis x sebastian #sebastian x mc

39 notes · View notes

shizuoi · 5 months

Text

20 Questions (for fanfic writers)

thank you for tagging me @seek--rest ♡♡♡

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

2. what's your total ao3 word count?

468,946

3. what fandoms do you write for?

i dabble in anything that attracts my interest, but for the last year it's been exclusively lockwood & co!

4. top five fics by kudos:

my scorching sun, show me the way (marvel's eternals)

you'll find love with me somehow (marvel's eternals)

i can see your heart beneath your ribcage (you should save it for me) (enola holmes)

prepare for trouble (and make it double) (the magnus archives)

pulling teeth behind bottom lip (山河令 word of honor)

5. do you respond to comments?

yes unless they make me uncomfortable

6. what is the fic your wrote with the angstiest ending?

i don't really write non-happy endings but you might think you've caught her (but you've blown your only shot) (tua) had an open-ended dark ending which was pretty ooc for me

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

dskjalhsgdfjkal literally close your eyes and click on any of my fics tbh but recency bias demands the hanahaki au heartburn (l&co)

8. do you get hate on fics?

maybe once or twice but i deleted the comments immediately and haven't thought of them since. i don't tend to write in very big fandoms so i fly under the radar for the most part i think

9. do you write smut?

do i ever :3

10. craziest crossover:

i'm more an au person than a crossover person; closest thing that would qualify would be the l&co now you see me au pros and cons

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

i...think so? it wasn't a direct copy/stolen per se, but it felt heavily inspired...

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

many times!! very honored every time people ask ♡

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

TheMalapert and RainShadow07 and i have a few things cooking (katabasis, permutations, a secret new series coming up :3)

14. all time favorite ship?

oh jesus this is tough but i can't say no to some good spirk

15. what's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

mm not sure, my interests bounce around a lot so sometimes i'll think i won't ever pick anything up again and then BAM inspo so i'm gonna cop out of this question LOL

16. what are your writing strengths?

dialogue and realistic character interactions and introspection. characters are very important to me and i always strive to do them justice by taking readers through their struggles in a compelling way that makes the outcome that much more satisfying. i also think i do a decent job at creating interesting worlds (on the surface)

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

following up with my previous answer, i'm good at ideating smaller/surface worlds, but my worldbuilding is pretty weak when you dig deeper. i do this on purpose sometimes because if i get too sucked up in the worldbuilding/situation, it throttles my ability to explore characters without feeling trapped and that really frustrates me. i have a fic im going to post this month that i did so much research for the world and parts of the character's backstory that i'm creating that i basically paralyzed myself for months because i was too afraid to write the character inaccurately in accordance with all the research i had done and knowledge i had accumulated. definitely something i would like to improve on!

18. thoughts on dialogue in another language?

when done with respect and intention, it's a very powerful tool. i have a fic that i'm writing where there's non-english dialogue and i think about this poem often

19. first fandom you wrote in?

young justice i think? (on ye olde ff.net)

20. favorite fic you've written?

til' veins run red and blue because it has a strange longevity on ao3 and every time i go back to read it just to make sure it's not bad i always emerge very pleased with myself LOL

tagging: @ohmyoverland, @synestheticwanderings, @woahpip, @dappledwrites, @lemonsharks, and anyone else who wants to partake!! consider yourself tagged ♡♡♡

#thank you for tagging me seek this has been in my draft for literal years #text #tag games #tagged in

5 notes · View notes

shai-manahan · 2 years

Note

OK OK OK CALM DOWN CALM DOWN THIS IS NOT AM EMERGENCY BUT I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW JUST HOW MUCH I LOVE YOUR WRITING AND IF LIKE- ????? THE WAY YOU DESCRIBE THINGS IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND OMG THAT NIGHTMARE SCENE IS GIVING ME NIGHTMARES THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT SO I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU THAT I ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOUR WORK AND HOW GLAD IM THAT YOU DECIDED TO BRING IT TO LIFE- SO KEEP IT UP AND PLEASE TAKE CARE YOUR HEALTH AS WELL 👍👍👍👍👍👍

also i have a few theories about our MC if you don't mind-

1. so... as i played through the nightmare scene for the 9th time in a row to fully relish the horror and trauma, i realized that our dear (but unfortunate) MC must have gone through something MUCH MUCH worse than merely watching their father get oofed off by their mother 🤔🤔🤔 because i once read somewhere that if someone experiences like a really bad traumatic experience their brain will instinctively suppress their memories and lock them away to protect the person from getting anymore affected and also to give them a sense of normality? dunno about that our brains can be really mysterious sometimes, which brings me to my second theory

2. OK OK OK i know this may sound crazy and also scientifically inaccurate, but i think MC has some sort of Dissociative disorder? i mean- how do you explain their sudden black out from their home to their journey all the way to Bale's territory and the bar? or maybe im just overthinking it and perhaps its somehow related to the hallucinations and the syringes that have been emphasized over multiples times in the demo

3. why do i feel our MC is being drugged with something 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔 or maybe something happened before or after the incident with their father otherwise why would Alex act so sus, Vincent too, YALL TOO SUS

and so ends my theory spree as i have exhausted my remaining two brain cells to make SOME kind of sense and connection through this whole theory thing

ALSO ALSO ALONZO WHY DO I HAVE A FEELING I WRONGED YOU SOMEHOW AND SOMEWHERE AND IF I DID IM SO SORRY -

which puts me to my next question, i wonder why our MC just offed 11 of their coworkers 🤔 corruption maybe? whatever the case Is, it still doesn't excuse bernard (or whatever his name is, he's a jerk) for acting like the lil piece of poop he is, to both us and finn cause oh boy imma bout to throw hands (you better sleep with one eye open you lil shit)

ALSO ALSO ALSO MORE WESLEY LORE YAY omg now i feel kinda conflicted rn like i still wanna sock that lil bastard for exposing us but i feel kinda pity for him too, also that wholesome moment between them was so cute if not for the current angsty situation, but i guess i'll them off with one good bish slap on the face for the whole expose before listening to their side of the story

and now finally, after going through your whole blog i realized that we have a hidden mental health stat- lol my mc is gonna be one helluva self sabotaging half depressed boi bu the end of this IF 😂

SORRY FOR THE EXTREMELY LONG RANT / ASK I WAS JUST TOO EXCITED AFTER PLAYING THE WHOLE DEMO AGAIN OVER 9 TIMES BEFORE FINALLY FEELING SATISFIED- IM SORRY 😭😅

Oh that is long, but don't be sorry! I love seeing long messages like this 😌And I’m so glad you love the story to this extent 😭

First of all, so there'll be no misunderstandings, I want to make it clear that what the MC is going through isn't exactly a dissociative disorder, although there is some degree of disassociation happening. I can't explain further because it's a very huge spoiler, but not everything they've been experiencing can be solely attributed to the level of trauma and other related occurrences that DID patients often went through before being diagnosed. It's a little... different.

This does not mean, however, that the MC has no repressed memories 😔 If you look carefully, there are actually some more hints spread throughout the demo, although some of them are hidden behind certain routes. A lot are in Chapter 2, though. Anyway, the revelations relating to it won’t be the focus of Book 1, but there will be a lot more clues in the future.

And yeah, I'm afraid Alex and Vincent will continue to be sus all the way.

YALL TOO SUS

ah but I wouldn’t have done my job right if they’re not sus :)))

why do i feel our MC is being drugged with something 🤔

🤔🤔🤔

ALSO ALSO ALONZO WHY DO I HAVE A FEELING I WRONGED YOU SOMEHOW AND SOMEWHERE AND IF I DID IM SO SORRY

Well, I suppose that depends on the perspective but Alonzo does believe the MC has wronged them haha which is tbh actually valid.

which puts me to my next question, i wonder why our MC just offed 11 of their coworkers 🤔 corruption maybe?

To be fair, I don't think arresting them counts as offing lmao but yeah there's a heavy corruption occurring within the police force and everybody knows it; it's just that most of the people in Gaile cannot do anything to stop it. And don't worry about Bertrand, he already sleeps with one eye open lmaoooo although he does have kind of a huge role (spoiler: he will always be an asshole).

Wesley's reuinion scene, though... if you all think the flashback scene is already conflicting you, well, the reunion might uh.... actually nevermind, I'm not gonna spoil it.

There are four types of mental health stats in the demo right now, but I'm arranging all the variables in a spreadsheet to see if I've missed anything. I kinda have a lot of them lmfao.

#I LOVE SEEING THEORIES NEVER HOLD BACK PLS #interactive fiction #hollowed minds series #hollowed minds book one #hollowed minds #theories #hollowed minds theories #writing #wip #interactive novel #interactive game #if game #choicescript #dashingdon #hosted games #cscript #cscript game #ask #taconextdoor

34 notes · View notes

acid-ixx · 2 years

Text

i am holding nana's oc's in my hands and i am not letting them go

#🍨... yael's talking #i just wanna write headcanons about them #but im afraid of writing them too inaccurately #i cant find a personal fave #theyre all my skrunkly-wunkly #the isekai ocs. horror protag. househusband. villainess oc's are good #okay maybee slight favoritism for the horror protag #they each deserve love tho #BUT im rereadinf every stuff nana wrote #<- in case but nana is @koinotame

9 notes · View notes

drabbles-mc · 3 years

Text

Delivery

Neron ‘Creeper’ Vargas x F!Reader

Request by Anon: Could you do one where the mayans are in lockdown and you go into labor. I can maybe taza/bishop or letty delivering and baby daddy freaking out and telling the guys not to look. Im not picky about the guy whoever you think fits best.

Warnings: language, mentions of birth and all the stuff that goes along with it I guess? I really didn’t get graphic with it at all, Creeper being a softie

Word Count: 3.5k

A/N: Full disclaimer I know nothing about giving birth. Everything I know I’ve learned from TV shows. So, if any of this is inaccurate in any way, that’s why lol. Regardless, hope you guys enjoy the fic! Creeper as a dad gives me all the soft feelings. Also sorry for not posting as much this week--saying it’s been a long fuckin’ week would be the understatement of the century so I haven’t really done much writing at all. Hoping to get through some more requests this weekend though! xo

Mayans Taglist: @garbinge @mayans-sauce @thesandbeneathmytoes @paintballkid711 @tomhardydallasstarsgirl @queenbeered @sillygoose6969 @sesamepancakes @yourwonkywriter @chibsytelford @gemini0410 @multiyfandomgirl40 @behindmyeyes-insidemyhead @plentyoffandoms @georgiaaintnopeach @twistnet @themoonandthewicked @bucky-iss-bae @encounterthepast @rosieposie0624 @mylittlelonelyappreciationtoo @mijop @xladymacbethx @blessedboo @holl2712 @lakamaa12 @masterlistforimagines @kkim120 @toni9 @shadow-of-wonder @petlaufeyson (If you want to be added to my taglist just let me know!)

Going into lockdown at the clubhouse at 39 weeks pregnant hadn’t been on your list of things to do. Truthfully, for the last month or so of your pregnancy you’d stayed away from the clubhouse altogether unless you needed to get something from or for Creeper. He completely supported your decision, too. There was way too much smoke and alcohol and chaos at the clubhouse for you these days. Plus you needed to be somewhere with some kind of air conditioning or you turned into an entirely different person.

To his credit, Creeper did everything he could to keep you comfortable. And the last thing that he wanted to do was tell you that they were going into lockdown. You knew from the second he came home that afternoon that something was off.

“What’s up, baby?” you asked, walking over to him as he stood at the entrance to living room.

He met you halfway, gently caressing your belly before leaning in to kiss you lightly on the lips, “You know I love you, right?”

You leaned back, hands resting on top of your baby-bump, “What’d you do, Neron?”

He held his hands up in surrender, “I didn’t do anything, Mama. I swear.”

“What’s going on?”

“I can’t just tell you that I love you?”

You arched one eyebrow, “Not with that look in your eyes, you can’t.”

He chuckled, loving and hating how well you could read him. He sighed, running his hand back over the smooth skin of his head, “I love you. Promise you’re not gonna be mad at me for what I’m gonna tell you?”

“I don’t make promises I can’t keep,” you crossed your arms, waiting for the hammer to drop.

He didn’t want to meet your eyes as he said it, but somehow he managed to, “I gotta take you to the clubhouse.”

Your eyes narrowed, “Why?”

There was a long stretch of silence, “Lockdown.”

“You’re kidding me. You’re joking, right?”

“I’m not. I’m sorry, baby,” he reached and took your hands in his own, “You know I wouldn’t ask you to do this if I didn’t think you needed to.”

You sighed, watching his hands as he traced his thumb along your knuckles, “Shit’s getting that bad?”

He gave one slow nod, “Just tryin’ to keep everyone safe.”

Pressing your lips together into a thin line, you nodded. You knew that at the end of the day, he had minimal say in decisions like these. And, he was right, he wouldn’t ask this of you if he didn’t think it was necessary. That didn’t make you want to do it, though.

“Alright. Let me pack a bag.”

He shook his head, “I got you, baby. Just get your purse and shit. I got the rest.”

You chuckled, “I can pack my own clothes, Neron. I’m pregnant but I’m still capable.”

He insisted that you let him, trying to make up for the fact that you were in the position of having to leave because of him in the first place. You let him have that, standing back as he collected things to pack for you. You were impressed that he knew all of your favorite pieces of clothing, things that were actually still comfortable for you at this stage in your pregnancy. He didn’t say much as he got everything together for you.

“Grab the hospital bag, too, baby,” you said as you leaned against the doorframe.

“Yea?” his eyes grew wide.

You nodded, “Yea. You know how long we’ll be in lockdown for? ‘Cause this little one is ready to pop,” you gestured to your stomach.

“Shit. You’re right.”

You laughed, “Usually, yea.”

He refused to let you carry any of the bags to the car. You knew that he wouldn’t let you, but you still offered to. He opened the passenger side door and helped you step up into the car. You leaned back in the seat, taking a deep breath as you tried to mentally prepare for what the next few days were going to be like. The guys would do anything for you. That was always the case, but ever since you became pregnant, all of them had been extra attentive when given the opportunity. You often wondered if Creeper had anything to do with it.

When Creeper parked in front of the clubhouse, you saw a lot of familiar faces. You saw the guys, of course, but you also saw everyone’s family members that you didn’t get to see all that often. Most of them kept their families separate from the MC and you couldn’t blame them for it. But during times like this, everyone came together.

Creeper had all the bags slung over his arms and shoulders as he ran to open the car door for you. You chuckled as he held out a hand to help you out. How he managed to not tip himself over was a mystery to you. He directed you over to Bishop before scampering off to get his dorm set up and as comfortable as it would get for you.

You looked at Bishop, both of you had tired smiles on your faces. You were each exhausted for very different reasons, but there was still that level of sympathy there. He leaned in and kissed you on the cheek and you did your best to give him a hug.

“So, Neron tells me that you’re the one I’m supposed to be mad at about this?” you laughed as you gestured to the clubhouse.

Bishop laughed, nodding, “Afraid so. I’m sorry, sweetheart. I know this isn’t where you wanna be right now.”

“No, it’s not,” you chuckled, gently rubbing your hands on your stomach, “But it’ll be alright.”

“Anything you need, you let us know.”

You nodded, “I will. Thank you, Bishop.”

He shook his head, “Thank you. I can’t imagine how tough this is.”

“We’re tough,” you gently patted your stomach.

He smiled, “You guys ever find out what you’re having?”

You shook your head, “Nope. Keeping it a surprise.”

He took your hand and pressed a kiss to the back of it, “You’re truly amazing.”

Bishop offered to walk with you back to the dorms and you let him, hoping that you would get a few crumbs of information about what was going on. Creeper didn’t tell you too much these days for fear of stressing you out and negatively affecting the baby. You appreciated his concern but not knowing occasionally drove you nuts. But Bishop was keeping a tight lip as well. You asked a couple questions and he skillfully dodged them. That was when you knew for a fact that Creeper had said something to the guys. The man really did try to think of everything.

Just as you were about to walk up to the door, someone cleared their throat behind you, “Excuse me.”

You and Bishop both turned, your eyes growing wider when you saw Chucky walking by, air conditioning unit wrapped up in his arms.

“My apologies, Y/N,” he said as he brushed past you as carefully as possible, “but this is for you so I hope you’ll forgive me barging through.”

You chuckled, shaking your head, “You’re fine, Chucky. No need to apologize,” you paused as you followed him back into the room, “Where…where did the AC unit come from?”

“The office,” he replied as he and Creeper started getting it set up in the window.

“Chucky,” you shook your head, “I can’t take that from you. You’ll melt out there without having it all day.”

He and Creeper both turned around and simultaneously shook their heads. Chucky spoke up, his tone genuine as ever, “The two of you need it much more than I do.”

You smiled, resting your hand on your stomach, “Thank you. I…I really appreciate it.”

Once the air conditioner was all set up, Bishop and Chucky disappeared out of the room and left you and Creeper by yourselves. You sat down on the edge of the bed with a sigh, glad to be back off of your feet for a little bit. Creeper came and sat down next to you, gently rubbing your back. He pressed a soft kiss to the side of your head as you leaned against him. It was hot, and you were uncomfortable, and truthfully the clubhouse was the last place you wanted to be. But he was trying so hard to make it as nice for you as he possibly could, and you couldn’t fault him for that.

“Thank you, baby,” you reached and rested your hand on his knee, “for doing all of this.”

“Anything else you need?”

You shook your head, “Just for you guys to get your business sorted,” you laughed, “But really, Neron, I’m fine. Thank you.”

He stayed with you for a little while, helping you finish unpacking everything. Despite the chaos, you always felt safe with him. Even when things were falling apart, he always made you feel like he had it all together, and that was the kind of stability that you needed. He’d been your rock throughout your whole relationship, but even more so since you became pregnant. He stepped up to the plate in ways that you wouldn’t have ever even imagined. You hadn’t really known what to expect because of his involvement with the club, but he reprioritized immediately. And no one in the club was brave enough to try and stand in his way about it.

A couple days went by and you were much more comfortable than you thought you were going to be. It wasn’t quite like being at home, but you could only expect so much. All things being considered, things were going smoothly. Letty was by your side almost constantly and you had to admit that it was nice to have another woman around in the midst of so much testosterone.

You were trying to find a comfortable position to sit in on the couch in the clubhouse. Nothing really felt comfortable at this point but you still tried. You were ready for lockdown, and your pregnancy, to be finished. You just wanted to be able to hold your baby in the comfort of your own home.

Letty saw you struggling and brought you a glass of ice water, knowing there wasn’t a whole lot else that she could really do for you. You appreciated the gesture, though, and it did help a little just to hold the cold glass in your hands. You were about to thank her when a sharp pain shot through you, catching you off-guard and causing you to drop the glass. It shattered on the ground as you groaned in pain, pressing your hand to your side.

“Fuck,” you tried to take a deep breath but it was hard to breathe through the sudden surge of pain.

“Shit, you okay?” Letty was crouched down by your side in an instant, trying not to step on the broken glass that littered the floor.

“Um, yea. I’m…I’m alright,” you took a steady breath.

“Uh…Y/N?” her eyes grew wide, “Do you…do you want me to call Creep?”

The shooting pain that went through you had temporarily distracted you from the fact that your water broke. You saw the look on Letty’s face, though, and it brought you back to reality. That’s when the anxiety really started to rush through you.

“Are they even here?” you hadn’t seen any of the men in a couple hours, and you had no idea where they had gone off to.

“I’ll go get Chucky and ask,” she stood up.

You grabbed her hand before she could leave, “No! Fuck, sorry just…send someone else. I can’t be here alone.”

“Shit, shit,” she looked around and spotted the newest prospect, “Steve! Go find Chucky or one of the guys. Get them in here now.”

With a nod he took off on his mission, barreling through the front door. Letty crouched back down next to you, trying to find the right things to say to help keep you as calm as possible. You appreciated her efforts but all you could think about was the fact that you might be delivering this baby essentially alone if none of the guys were around or close to being back. Another shot of pain went through you and you cursed, squeezing hard onto Letty’s hand. She cringed but didn’t say anything, trying to be whatever it was that you needed.

Hardly a minute later, the door to the clubhouse swung open and an entire entourage came charging in. Creeper led the pack, practically sprinting over to you. The fact that most of the guys still had on their sunglasses and had helmets dangling from their hands clued you into the fact that they must’ve just gotten back from wherever they had been.

“Are you okay?” he tried to nicely but quickly take Letty’s space by your side, “What do you need? What can I do?”

“I need a fucking hospital,” you grit your teeth through the pain of your next contraction.

“I think it might be too late for that, Y/N,” Bishop said with a slight shake of his head, clearly not thrilled about having to give you that piece of news.

“What?” you and Creeper responded in unison.

“I think you can either give birth here, or in the car on the way to the hospital,” he sounded calm but his brain was racing at a mile a minute, “But I don’t think that baby is gonna wait for the whole commute. The hospital isn’t exactly close.”

“Fuck,” you leaned your head back, nails digging into Creeper’s arm for a moment as you tried to breathe your way through another contraction. You looked over at Bishop, “You sound like you know what you’re talking about, Bishop.”

“I mean, I’ve always had the easy part of things. I just had to stand there and be encouraging.”

“Well,” you waited for his eyes to meet yours, “congrats. You’ve been promoted from presidente to doctor.”

His heart dropped into his stomach and he immediately shook his head, “Y/N, I don’t think—”

“Bishop. It wasn’t a suggestion. You’re the only one who has been through this in present company. Time to step the fuck up,” you impressed yourself with how confident you sounded, because on the inside you felt like you were falling apart, “Plus,” you managed what you could of a laugh, “It’s your clubhouse.”

He was nodding but you could see it in his eyes that he was trying to get a million different thoughts in order. He looked around, trying to figure out what he needed and what had to be moved around and changed in order to get this done. People used to do this with nothing, surely they could all figure it out.

At some point the switch in his brain flipped and he started directing people, the authority shining through in his voice as he sent people off on their miniature missions. He helped you move to the other sofa, leaving the shattered glass behind. There were a million different feelings coursing through you as you watched the clubhouse get turned into a makeshift delivery room. Creeper didn’t leave your side, letting you come close to breaking his hand each time another contraction hit. Through every one he kept his voice calm and level, and if you hadn’t been so overwhelmed you would’ve made a point to thank him. That was the farthest thing from your mind, though.

Neither of you explicitly said anything, but at one point you and Bishop looked at each other and simultaneously recognized that the two of you were going to be a whole different kind of close once this was all over with. You trusted Bishop with your life, like you did with everyone in the MC, but this was going to be a whole new level.

“Hey!” Creeper shouted over the hustle and bustle of the clubhouse, “If you’re not Bishop, or Y/N, get the fuck out.”

You choked out a laugh at the bluntness of his statement. You couldn’t pretend that you weren’t relieved by it though—the last thing you wanted was an audience for this. Once everyone began filing out, he returned his attention to you, gently wiping the sweat off of your forehead.

“You’re doing great, baby,” he nodded encouragingly, “I love you.”

Everything fell away into an extremely painful and exhausting blur. Time meant nothing to you as the three of you got through the whole ordeal together. Each of you was in uncharted territory. The two of them hid their nerves and uncertainty well, knowing that you had enough to worry about without them adding to the stress.

Bishop took a deep breath as he looked at you. He tried desperately to remember what it was like to be in the delivery room all those years ago, trying to channel the reassurance that the doctors emitted despite the fact that he was wildly unqualified, “Y/N, it’s time to push.”

You were already exhausted, sweating and crying and in pain. The thought of getting through this last stretch almost felt like too much. But when you felt Creeper bracing his hand against your back, his other hand gripping yours tight, you got the slightest bit of a second wind.

Truthfully, you almost blacked out from the pain. At one point you were certain that you broke Creeper’s entire hand and that he wouldn’t be able to ride again from the damage done. Somehow, miraculously, Bishop managed to keep his composure throughout the entire thing. Going through this with you felt like it was much higher stakes than anything he had ever done with the MC. The amount of adrenaline in his system was unreal and he had no idea how he was able to keep his hands steady. Both his and Creeper’s voices sounded extra soothing and reassuring. Focusing on that and your breathing were the only things keeping you tethered to reality as your body became overwhelmed with everything that was happening to it.

You groaned in pain, tears streaming down your face as you locked your fingers around Creeper’s hand, giving one last push. You collapsed backwards, unable to stop your crying as you tried and failed to catch your breath. There wasn’t a single coherent thought in your head as your mind and body tried to sort out everything that it was going through.

Everything else immediately faded away when you heard the sound of your baby crying for the first time. You sat upright, fresh tears in your eyes as you looked at Bishop and the baby. This time, Creeper was the one giving your hand a squeeze.

Bishop carefully wrapped the baby in a blanket and walked towards you, there was a smile on his face, “She’s beautiful.”

A sob slipped past your lips as you held out your arms to take her, a smile taking over your entire face as Bishop gently handed her over to you. You looked at her, unable to believe that you really did it. Glancing over at Creeper, you saw the tears in his eyes as well. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her, reaching out to gently rest her tiny little hand on top of his.

“I’ll give you guys a minute,” he gave Creeper’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze as he walked to leave the clubhouse.

It was just the three of you in the silence of the empty clubhouse. You sniffled, tears still staining your face as you smiled down at your baby. You looked over at your husband, “You wanna hold her?”

It was the first time that he looked up at you, the first time he was able to pry his eyes off of his daughter, “Yea, yea,” his voice was soft and you could tell that he was trying to keep his emotions in check.

You carefully handed her over to him and you could see his entire demeanor shift as he held her. From the second he cradled her in his arms he was an entirely different man. He was whispering things to her that not even you could hear. You rested one hand on his shoulder, shifting your gaze back and forth between him and your daughter.

“We did it, Neron,” your voice was quiet, a little hoarse, “We did it.”

He looked up at you, a smile on his face, “You did it, Mama,” he leaned over and gave you a quick, light kiss on the lips, “You did so good.”

“How’s your hand?” you smiled.

He chuckled, returning his gaze to the baby, “I’ll live,” he glanced up at you, “Not bad for a lockdown delivery, huh?”

You shook your head, “Not bad. Might have to keep Bish on the hook for the next one.”

His eyes lit up, “Next one?”

You leaned against him, “Yea,” you gazed at your daughter, reaching over to trace your thumb lightly along her cheek, “Think your hand can survive another delivery?”

“Anything for you,” he turned his head and pressed a kiss to the side of your head, “I love you.”

You smiled, unable to take your eyes off of the baby, “I love you too.”

#mayans mc #mayansmc #mayans fx #mayans mc imagine #creeper vargas #creeper vargas x reader #creeper vargas x you #creeper vargas fanfic #neron vargas #neron creeper vargas #my writing #fanfiction #drabblesmc

278 notes · View notes

oliviasugarbabe · 4 years

Note

i hope im not bothering you, but im a fandom writer and im greatly interested in the sugar baby lifestyle, so i was hoping to ask a few questions! is the stereotypical lifestyle of a sugar baby exaggerated or is it genuinely like that for some? is there something that most people don’t understand about with the relationship and what goes on, or is it as simple as it is portrayed in the media? do you have any tips when writing about being a sugar baby? thank you very much, i appreciated it! 💓

Not at all babe! I haven’t made a post like this yet so let me just write out a whole response about this stuff! I have lots to say to bear with me haha. I know you’re asking for your writing but I get constant questions about if sugaring is really this easy great glamorous thing from those thinking about doing it so I’m just gonna cover it all.

Yes the stereotypical lifestyle of a sugar baby is exaggerated, it’s not as simple as hopping on an app and getting a date with a reasonably attractive older man who will shower you with money and gifts for nearly nothing in return. I always tell girls this! It looks more like being active on multiple apps/sites and/or freestyling. It looks like hours upon hours on your phone perfecting your profiles, chatting with men who often will be time-wasters with no intention of spoiling you, and tons of dates with time-wasters too. Also, hours of screening men to make sure they’re legit. An insane amount of grooming yourself. Nails, hair, waxing/shaving, teeth whitening, exfoliating, moisturizing, soft feet, gym, perfume, makeup, cute lingerie, not getting the tattoo you want, even perhaps fillers and plastic surgery (I have tattoos and no surgery and I’m not skinny, but I know I’m giving up lots of rich older traditional men by looking this way) Having a spreadsheet to keep track of the lies you tell to each man (honestly that part is fun for me tho) and just way more work than you’d think from the popular stereotype.

Lots of men won’t give you the money you want, and it can take a long time to find a guy who will and you might not even like him. Sugaring also includes fucking old, wrinkly men like a porn star and 100% making them think you love it. They’ll do weird shit like lick your whole face and you gotta pretend that’s fine too. These are rich, often white, privileged men from a generation and brotherhood that often look down on women and you have to fake the correct personality with each one. Can you drop everything to travel with him? Can you come up with a lie for your parents/roommates/friends? Can you say “no” to bareback sex in a cute way? Answer his call/text when you’re in bed and just wanna be left alone with Netflix? Ask for money without being nervous? Can you keep the conversation going on a date if he’s boring and awkward as hell? Giggle when he shits on your generation and other women? Not feel guilty about his wife he’s cheating on? Lie to everyone you know? Read on the internet about how disgusted some people are about what you do for money? Be seen with him in public? Be spotted by someone you know? Sure, these things are technically optional; you can just refuse every man who isn’t perfect, but a lot of women on here are afraid to talk about the fact that when you’re doing this because you need money, there are often tradeoffs and boundaries crossed in order to get paid, because that’s what sex work often is. I think it’s glamorized a lot and that ultimately hurts sex workers. I need breaks sometimes when I can’t take it anymore and I don’t have a current “main” daddy. Sex work has also done serious damage to my desire to EVER be in a normal relationship with a man, get married, or have kids. I already pretty much hated men but now I hate them more lmao.

Lastly, like any sex worker, you perhaps will have to live with the constant risk of being outed to your family and friends, and the risk of having one of these men do something horrible to you.

But yes, some girls DO live that lifestyle we dream of but it’s rare and hard to find and these women are often models or at least look like ones, live in the right cities, have the right connections, etc and just have access to that shit in ways that I don’t and many women don’t. Privilege still shows its face in the sugar bowl! Truthfully, there’s generally, for most of us, more money in escorting. Way more payoff for your time. I’d rather just have sex and leave with my hourly rate than spend all this time and energy being a whole girlfriend most of the time if I’m being honest.

As for what the relationships are like, refer to the details above lol! Aside from that I should say I’ve had some good relationships but they’re men like any other. I deal with neediness, clinginess, condescension, etc a lot. They’ll flake on dates. Resist spending money just when you thought they might be a serious daddy. And again, it’s not just about being young and attractive. You usually also have to be interesting, smart but not too smart, sexy but not slutty, fuck like a porn star, confident, and sometimes, not show much that you’re a real person. Like, you can cry in front of a real boyfriend. If you cry in front of your sugar daddy, you might get dropped like a hot potato. You know what I mean? Be a perfect girl on his arm, or he’ll find someone else. Some daddies are good men sure and not like this, but still, lots of sugar daddies are part of a certain lifestyle and attitude and they expect something specific in return for their money.

Lastly, writing about sugaring and sex work is something I do for fun and to be a part of my own community and to give honest word about sex work. I think that writing about sex work is best left to sex workers. Fandom writing is fun and harmless tho! If you’re gonna write about us, you made a good start finding someone who is actually in that world to ask about it! Sex workers write books and blogs about this life and I recommend finding them. There are a lot of inaccurate, shitty, harmful portrayals of us out there and I hope you do whatever you can to not contribute to that! Although....if you’re writing a sexy fanfic or something I feel like it’s fine either way cause I’ve gotten hot and bothered by all kinds of severely problematic wattpad stories and such so like. Anyways, if you want me to keep helping you, you can DM me and I’ll answer your random writing questions. I understand completely why people are drawn to writing about sugar baby lifestyles, it’s just not always what they wanna hear. I hope your piece comes out good! I’d love to read it if you wanna share eventually!

18 notes · View notes

numba99 · 5 years

Text

The Intern

Summary: You are an intern at MSG, strictly forbidden to become involved in with any of the Rangers players. However, this becomes difficult when you catch the eye of a certain player. (y’all should know vague summaries are my brand at this point) Word Count:1.8k

Warnings: none for this part. But also I just want to toss out I know nothing about like sports broadcasting which is what im using as the internship here please don’t drag me if something is inaccurate or something I am trying my best okay ty also didn't proof read teehee <3

You walked up the block, nervously fidgeting with the end of your shirt. To tuck or not to tuck? That question had been nagging you then entire subway ride. You were most certainly over thinking it, but you didn’t wanna mess anything up. You had somehow managed to nail your dream internship at Madison Square Garden doing sports broadcasting for the Rangers. It felt like at any second the other shoe was gonna drop and they were going to tell you they accidentally confused you for the real intern they wanted.

That fear was pushing you to want every last delight to be perfect, hence the intense internal debate about tucking or not tucking in your shirt. You wanted to look professional, but not stuffy or uptight. The more you thought about it, the more silly it seemed and you finally decided to just play it safe and tuck it in.

As you finished adjusting your shirt, MSG came into view. The building towered over you, making you feel so small. You’d been there countless times for concerts and hockey games of course, but it felt foreign to you now. You couldn’t wait to get the first day over with so you could stop being so nervous about everything

You finally reach the door staff people were let in, flashing your badge to get through. Now that was cool. You weaved through the hallways, reaching your supervisor’s office without having to ask for help. Considering you had the sense of direction of broken compass, you were impressed with yourself.

“Hi Beth, I’m here,” you greeted, knocking lightly on the door. Your supervisor was pretty young; you guessed she was in her late 30s. You appreciated that, having been afraid you were gonna be stuck with some old dude you couldn’t relate to at all.

“Y/n, welcome! And right on time too, I like you already,” Beth smiled, waving you towards the seat across from her desk. You noted she had her shirt tucked in. Good call. You only met Beth once at the interview, but form you gathered she seemed nice. Tough, but nice. The type that wants to push you to succeed and as long as you don’t cause any problems, you won’t have any issues with you. Which was fine with you, you were good at taking direction. Nothing was going to ruin this for you.

“We’re not going to be here too long, I wanna show you around before things get too busy,” Beth began, “I just wanted to touch base with you and go over some ground rules.”

“Of course,” you nodded.

“So there’s a lot you're just going to lean on the fly or by watching. Don’t ever be afraid to ask questions, I’d rather explain to you how to do something than tell you what you did wrong,” Beth told you, “Be careful with your phone, no taking pictures or videos in the locker room unless it’s for work purposes. Be on time - but you’ve already got that covered. Um hmm... I know there's more, but so much is just learning while you do it.”

“That makes sense, I’ve got lots of observing to do I’m sure,” you replied. It’s what you expected.

Beth nodded, “Definitely. You’ll mostly be doing observations for the first few weeks, but I’ll definitely give you more to do as you get more comfortable.”

“That sounds great, I look forward to learning from you,” you smiled. It sounded kiss up-y, but you really meant it.

“I look forward to working with you,” Beth replied, “Oh one more thing, and it’s pretty important. No fraternizing with the players, that’s a pretty strict rule I have. Team events are okay, making friends is okay, but romantic relationships are strictly prohibited. It’s just not professional, you know?”

“I completely understand,” you nodded. You didn’t think that would be a problem. Sure, there were plenty of players you thought were cute, but you doubted they would think you were. Besides, you were not about to risk this placement,

“Perfect. Now it’s tour time,” Beth replied. Beth showed you where your office would be first, since it was right next to hers. it was less of an office and more of a glorified closet with a computer, but hey a place to call your own was pretty cool. It was awesome to see this side of the Garden. Sure, it was just a bunch of offices, but everything was decked out in Rangers colors and pictures so it felt so much more exiting.

The coolest thing by far was seeing the locker room. It felt a lot bigger than it looked on TV, then again it was devoid of a team full of giant hockey boys at the moment. Beth explained most the time spent here would be observing her interviews with players and taking the notes for her. You knew you were going to see players in person, but standing there it was all starting to feel real. You were practically giddy, though you were hiding it under a layer of professionalism.

Beth showed you around a little more, before returning you to your office. She told you to just get yourself comfortable and watch some past interviews to prep for later. Your stomach did a flip when you realized you’d get see all the players tonight.

Luckily the day moved quickly. You got to watch the game in the viewing room with some other press outlets. Beth told you to take notes as you watched, which would be used to ask questions and write up articles or social media post later. Even though it was work, it was fun. You couldn’t believe this was your internship.

You tried to hide your nerves as you followed Beth in the flow of reporters to the locker room. It was surreal, seeing all the players there. You tried not to stare to hard, especially since some of them were changing. Beth warned you some of the guys are pretty shameless about it. They had won that night, so everyone was in a good mood, joking with their locker mate.

The first player to make eye contact with you was Lias Andersson. He gave you a small smile and you returned it, though you could feel yourself blushing. You quickly turned away, telling yourself to get it together. You turned your attention to what really mattered - jotting down players answers to the questions they were being asked. First it was Kreider, than Buchy, and lastly Andersson. If you weren’t so focused on getting all the details, you would have been completely starstruck.

“Are you new?” a voice asked as you were finishing up your last thought. You looked up, finding Lias smiling down at you. You were always somewhat partial to him, and he was even cuter in person.

“Um yeah, I’m an intern,” you replied, “Is it that obvious it’s my first day?”

Lias chuckled lightly, “No, I’d just remember seeing a pretty face.”

“Oh,” you replied, at a loss for words. Was he joking? Was this some sort of intern initiation. “Thanks. Great game, I’ve gotta go.” You cringed at yourself as you walked away. What the hell was that? And why were you so awkward about it?

“Ready to head out?” Beth pulled you from your thoughts. You nodded, happy to get out of the room. You watch Beth go through the notes - which she said were very well done - picking out the best quotes and putting together some little statements to release. After that she let you go, congratulating you on a successful first day.

---

The next day you woke up feeling on top of the world. Sure it was just one day and you didn’t really do much, but it went well and you were super excited about it.

“There’s my little intern superstar,” you best friend and roommate Jess greeted you. You laughed and rolled your eyes as you poured yourself a cup of coffee. It was a rare day you two had off together; Jess was a nurse who often worked nights, so your schedules didn’t match up a lot. “Come on tell me more about it, I was half asleep last night when you told me.”

You plopped down next to her on the couch, giving her a non sports fan friendly report about how it went. As much as you tried to get Jess into hockey, it just wasn't her thing. However, she did appreciate the good looking guys, so her next question didn’t surprise you much.

“So which one are you hooking up with first?”

“None of them. My supervisor said there’s a super strict rule against hooking up with any of the players,” you replied, “Besides lots of them are a bit older than me anyway, Or taken.”

“Just because there’s a goalie doesn’t mean you can’t score. Isn’t that the whole point of the game?” Jess teased.

You couldn’t help but laugh at that one. “Yes, but not for me, I can’t risk it.”

“Well there’s nothing against you setting up friends right? Let’s take a look at these guys,” Jess took out her phone, pulling up the roster and going through the list with you. “Zi.. Zibanejad? Don’t know if I said it right but he’s cute.”

“You did, And he is, but hes taken,” you told her. She sighed, but moved on.

“Ooh, Kreider is painfully my type,” she nearly swooned.

“Not sure about him actually, I think hes taken,” you said.

“You say that like it’s going to stop me,” Jess joked before proceeding, “Oh what about this guy Andersson?” Your heart skipped a beat at the mention of his name.

“Funny story with that actually,” you replied, before launching into the weird run in you had with him yesterday.

“Holy shit he wants to fuck you y/n,” Jess replied.

You blushed, “I wouldn't go that far. It may have been a joke, him being nice or something I don’t know.

Jess shook her head, “Men are not nice. At least not for no reason. He's totally into you. You gotta hop on that.”

“I can’t,” you repeated, “I could get fired.”

“How would she even know? Is she going to follow you into the bedroom,” Jess replied.

“I don't know, but she seemed really serious about it,” you told her.

Jess rolled her eyes. “The way I see it is you’ll be hooking up with the guy by the end of the year. And then you can get me in with this Kreider guy. We’ll be the cutest hockey wives the NHL has ever seen.”

“Yeah right,” you mumbled, playfully tossed pillow at her. As much as you knew it was ridiculous, couldn’t get Lias’ face out of your head for the rest of your day.

#l andersson #lias andersson imagine #lias andersson fanfic #new york rangers imagine #nhl fanfiction #nhl imagines

86 notes · View notes

fairycosmos · 5 years

Note

does being good at math mean you are smart? sometimes i think im smart because of that but other times i think i am a complete moron. I don’t know what to believe. I cannot trust my own mind. how is what i think valid or credible in any shape or form. this just gives me so much anxiety, that i cannot even trust that my own thoughts are objective enough, i just have to accept that they are even when i know i will never be certain of the truth. what is your take on this?

hey bro i think……there are a million different ways to be smart, for real. and i know we’re raised in an educational system that has ruined learning by imposing grades and inducing anxiety to stress young ppl into producing the ‘results’ they need, but i’d suggest trying to take a step back from those toxic/unnecessary ideas when possible….. being good at maths is great, as it shows a strong capability to problem solve and compartmentalize. but it’d be ok if you weren’t. it wouldn’t mean anything about who you are. look, there’s emotional intelligence, creative intelligence, existential intelligence, interpersonal intelligence…..and so much more beyond that. to me, this sounds like an issue with your confidence and your self perception more than anything else. it seems like you don’t think you deserve to be listened to unless you’re 100% right about everything, which isn’t possible for anyone. like i said before, this anxiety is ingrained into us from a young age, but i think it’d be more effective to try and tackle that, rather than trying not to fuck up 24/7 and berating yourself when you do :( because that just leads to a cycle of self hatred and emotional turmoil. you really deserve better than that, dont you think? ik this is a stressful idea, but i’d really recommend talking to a counselor or a professional about this if it’s having an impact on your mental well being. maybe someone at school, or your doctor/parents could refer you to a service in your community? you need to learn how to let yourself be, how to identify self hating thoughts that are only there because you’ve been taught for so long that these are the standards you must meet. once you start challenging them, and implementing healthy coping mechanisms to deal with the anxiety when you feel like you’ve made a mistake, then you’ll notice a massive difference…..just takes time and concentrated effort. i get that it’s a lot to think about, but please dont write it off completely. it’s alright to talk about this sort of thing, and biting the bullet and going for it is the scariest part. you’re not alone. look, you’re a human, so of course you’re going to act like one. i think most ppl have moments where they think they’re the dumbest person on the planet, especially when we’re young. it’s humbling, it’s how we grow and learn right from wrong. if you thought you were smart all the time, your ignorance would probably prevent you from actually being so. if you think you’re dumb all the time, your sensitivity and inaccurate self judgement is probably warping your reality a little. the majority fall somewhere in the middle, in my experience. also, sure there’s an objective truth, but it will always be slightly marred by your own perception when it comes to your own life, it’s like that for everyone. we don’t all register things in an identical manner, even if we’re looking at the same thing. and that doesn’t mean anyones an idiot, it’s a matter of our individual brains working uniquely as they should. honestly seems like reality is a lot less defined than we’re led to believe. so it’s a GOOD thing to question what you think you know bc that means you’re open to learning more and changing your view point as you gather new info, which is to me a sign that you’re hungry for knowledge. you dont have to be certain of anything, really. you just have to try your best. if you fall flat on your face, you will survive it. you will get up knowing better. but anyway above all, i think it’s important to know that your existence and worth as human being truly doesn’t hinge on whether or not you can prove yourself through being the smartest person in the room. i understand striving for a certain academic caliber, and to an extent it’s not an unhealthy goal, but imo it’s better to prioritize being the best type of person you can be. there are likely so many wonderful attributes about yourself that you don’t even see because you’re so stressed abt what you’re bringing to the table on an intellectual level. but the ppl that love you and the ppl that will love you in the future don’t see that alone when they look at you, you know? goddd this got long sorry, but i understand being insecure abt this sort of issue. it occupies a lot of my mind, too. and i’m shit at maths lmfao! but yeah dude, you’re not what you think you are and you don’t have to be so afraid. it may take months or years to really learn or internalize that, and that’s alright. getting to a place where you’re comfortable in your own skin is a long process for most. but you’re on the right path if you’re trying every day to be a bit more gentle with yourself, even when you feel dumb. if you want to talk more abt this i’ll be here, but until then please take care and feel free to put down this weight you’re carrying, even just sometimes, even just to rest.

#anon #being smart.....it's never been me. but it's not going to dictate my whole life anymore

11 notes · View notes

thechildoflightning · 5 years

Note

I'm not much of an artist but I really want to draw the sides as you imagine them in your series!! I know you mentioned how patton has dark hair and wears pastels but is there any other notable features with each of them?

First of all- the “im not much of an artist” if you art, you’re an artist. That’s it, that’s all it is. And it would be super cool if you did draw art, but know that there is absolutely no pressure.

As for the characters and their appearances, be prepared for me to ramble…

(look my own series has become my own special interest and its an issue)

Character Appearances in Just Keep Stumbling Forward (baby im waiting for you)

Patton Agnes Wilson

Race/Ethnicity- Black

Height- 5’8”

General Appearance- Patton’s skin is dark, somewhere around a deep oak color. He has wide dark brown eyes and black very kinky curly hair. He cut it real short when he first came out as trans, but he generally keeps it longer now. He’s had dreads, long twists, and an afro. He’s been on testosterone for years now and has had top surgery and pretty much always passes as male. But he still cannot grow facial hair. It’s a thing. He’s got a round (but not very curvy) body and is fat.

Clothes- Patton will wear just about anything, but often pastels, light colors, and whites. Either aesthetically pleasing, or clashing horribly there is no inbetween. Prefers shorts over pants. Very much an overalls person. Will wear skirts but generally not dresses. Often wears more casual clothes. He’s also known for stealing his boyfriends clothes the most, specifically Roman’s worn out t-shirts. Also wears the occasional cute short sleeve button-up with fun patterns or designs.

Roman Hussain-Barlo

Race/Ethnicity- Arab (Yemeni)

Height- 6’1”

General Appearance- Roman has golden bronze skin and deep chocolate eyes. He’s the tallest of the four. He has black hair and generally keeps it shorter on the sides with a bit of length in the front, but it’s really not that dramatic of a difference. It is a mix between wavy and curly. His body is soft and he is slightly overweight. Narrow shoulders, more rectangular in shape than broad. He also grows a beard after college, but keeps it pretty cropped due to fear of racist views of Muslim people and their beards. Has a notable scar on his forearm from his brother attacking him with a whisk.

Clothes- Roman generally wears dark jeans and t-shirts. To work his t-shirts are also usually dark, as he is a theater director. While he pretty much wears the same things at home and work, his work clothes are definitely nicer. Paints his nails a lot. He also wears a necklace with each of his families birthstones on it. Is also not afraid to wear skirts, dresses, heels, etc. It’s not really his style, but he’s done it more than once to make A Statement against the ideas of toxic masculinity.

Virgil Jude Torres

Race/Ethnicity- Ashkenazi Jew, but if you asked him he’d probably just say he’s Jewish and leave it to you to assume he’s white.

Height- 5’7”

General Appearance- Virgil has light sandstone skin that tans easily. He has deep set chestnut colored eyes. He keeps his hair a similar shorter length as Roman. His hair is a deep brown almost black and pretty curly (between Roman and Patton). He’s gangly and has limbs that seem to go places. Seems smaller than he is because he’s always hunching in on himself. He has self-harm scars on his arms, legs, and chest. He also has two long vertical scars on both wrists from a past suicide attempt. He has a scar on his stomach where his liver transplant was. He also has little scars all over his body because they’ve accumulated during his time at the cult. there’s a large burn scar on his back and on his feet almost all the way up to his knees.

Clothes- Virgil covers as much of his body up, mostly due to being self conscious about his scars. Wears black jeans or other dark pants. Band shirts with his notable hoodie, or long sleeves if he goes without it. He’s comfortable wearing more revealing clothes at home. At work, he goes for dark button ups instead of t-shirts.

Logan Kasem Dāwsukpon

Race/Ethnicity- half Thai and part Roma (a nomadic people that have been continuously persecuted, and still are. Better known -inaccurately- as the racial slur “gypsy”)

Height- 5’10”

General Appearance- Logan has light copper skin that tans more in the sun. His eyes are almond shaped and a honey brown color. His hair is a leather black and very straight. He keeps his hair shorter on the sides and longer on top. Generally starts off by buzzing the sides, but it grows out quick and he kind of just leaves it. Logan has a very average androgynous build. He’s the fittest of the four, but still not really muscular. Has good posture and seems to fill up space, so people always assume he’s taller than he is. Pretty noticeable jawline. Talks with his hands, but otherwise generally shoves them in his pockets or fiddles with them.

Clothes- Pretty much like is the Sander Sides videos, bit more color variance. Still stays to neutral tones, dark colors, or black. Wears a tie. Patton has gifted him more than one extravagantly patterned one, and he does wear them, just always with a black shirt or its “too distracting.” Hates all shoes but tennis shoes with a burning passion.

Remy Alan Zurko

Race/Ethnicity- half white and Roma

Height- 6’0”

General Appearance- Remy is very pale and its a fifty-fifty chance if he’ll burn or tan. He has hazel eyes. He has medium brown auburn hair with a bit of a wave to it. Has a dramatic undercut. Generally looks very youthful and androgynous. Tall and has a fairly athletic build.

Clothes- Wears bright button ups that fit the definition of “business casual” perfectly. Generally wears brown, beige, or white pants and shorts. Is not afraid to show off a bit of skin, either with short-shorts or undoing a few of his shirts button. Wears sunglasses in any remotely bright setting due to photophobia (light sensitivity). Has like ten pairs that all look the same. Likes to wear sparkly nail polish, because he can see the shine in the sunlight and he thinks it looks cool.

I know this was a lot, so if you do draw them, feel free to take some creative liberty, this is just what I’ve been imagining in my head as I write them.

And if anyone else was wondering what they looked like, well here you go.

12 notes · View notes

bambl-ing · 6 years

Note

Could you possibly help me understand what ace is? Demi? I am very confused... not to be rude... I would google it but im afraid of getting inaccurate info. Does it mean that you don’t have sexual feelings? Sorry sorry! I also heard that there is a certain species of goat that have s high rate of asexual individuals which is interesting. Sorry if im being rude... i really just am trying to understand

I’ll try my best!! and you’re not being rude, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to learn and asking about things you don’t understand :> so thank you for asking! I’ll probably end up using a lot of general “you” statements, so I hope I don’t come across as rude either because I swear I’m not singling anyone out “orz (also I don’t know anything about asexual goats but that does sound interesting!)

I guess first just a little disclaimer: since asexuality IS a spectrum it really comes down to the individual, so my personal experience in being ace shouldn’t be used to define whether someone else is ace or not. being ace doesn’t automatically make me an expert, but I’ll do my best to explain what I know!

bottom line, asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction to other people, not a lack of sexual activity. to repeat myself in other words, a lack of sexual attraction to other people doesn’t automatically mean that you have no libido (sex drive).with that can come varying levels of sex-repulsed, sex-neutral, sex-positive, or whatever other terms might be used. personally, I'm pretty thoroughly sex-repulsed; I have no interest in sex whatsoever, and even talking or thinking about it can make me uncomfortable. however, other people who are ace might not be interested in having it, but be fine talking or writing about it (for example: if they’re writing an original work or fanfiction that contains a sex scene, or in roleplay), or even masturbate. still other people who are ace might be fine talking about, writing about, and having it—they might choose to have sex with their partner for a multitude of reasons, or they might just like having sex because they enjoy how it feels. again, asexuality is a spectrum, and it really does just come down to the individual, so if you know someone who is ace who masturbates or has a little or lot of sex? don’t tell them that they aren’t actually ace, and don’t think that they were “cured” of their asexuality. however if you’re curious about it, I would definitely suggest asking someone who is ace and sexually active, provided that they’re comfortable with that!

now I am not demi (sexual or romantic), but as far as I know, being demisexual means that someone only experiences sexual attraction to someone they know well and are comfortable with, so someone who is demisexual wouldn’t go out and have a one-night-stand. again, though, I’m not demi, so it would definitely be best to ask someone who is!

now I’m assuming that the last post I reblogged is what prompted this, so I’d like to address something that didn’t occur to my half-asleep brain last night: being asexual doesn’t automatically mean that someone is also aromantic. (I think I personally am, but it took me some long and difficult times to come to that conclusion.) the post seems to be speaking more for people who are asexual and not interested in sex, as well as people who are aromantic since asexuality does not equal a lack of romantic attraction, and since they do point out that a lack of a romantic relationship can be very alienating they should have included aromantic rather than using an umbrella term of ace-spectrum.

I hope that any of this helped?? I tried not to make it too long but it is a topic for pretty lengthy discussion, so I guess if you have anymore questions feel free to ask!

#ngl I screamed a lil when I saw this cause I'm not used to being asked Important Questions #and also I'm super insecure and doubt myself a lot and feel p dumb #but thank you for being curious and respectful!! and I really hope this made sense #even a little;;#Anonymous

2 notes · View notes

beautiful-rebellious-sunflower · 7 years

Note

Hi! So I'm trying to convince a friend who isn't really a fan of Abby that she's a precious cinnamon roll. What evidence/arguments/gentle nudging would help to show them the light? :)

You know what? I started writing out a whole long essay of feels about Abby Griffin and why I love her so much, but I realised anything like that was gonna be WAY too long! So here it is condensed into handy bullet pointed list form!

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ DISCLAIMER

Someone not liking Abby as a character is fine! I don’t expect my fave to be everyone’s fave, and sometimes you get a character who just rubs you the wrong way and you might not even be able to explain why. But, since I was asked, these are some of the reasons *I* love Abby Griffin, and some responses to common criticisms of her (many of which I genuinely think are deeply unfair and based on ridiculously inaccurate interpretations of her character)

Onwards!

she’s a talented Doctor and Scientist

she designed the wristbands! the whole ‘sending the 100 to the ground’ thing was LITERALLY HER IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE THERE WOULD BE NO SHOW without Abby Griffin

“the most respected person in this camp"

when Clarke destroys Mount Weather she immediately wants to use all that tech not for killing Grounders like Pike does, but for opening a hospital and healing Grounders and Sky people alike god whatever happened to THAT storyline btw??

saves Nyko’s life

saves Raven’s life

saves Lincoln’s life with an amazing smart, brave moment of sheer shocklashing badassery, and by doing so…

becomes the first person EVER to bring back a Reaper!!! Thus enabling Clarke to win an alliance with the Grounders and presumably becoming a legend with them because she LITERALLY BROUGHT A DUDE BACK FROM THE DEAD YO INDRA DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT

saves Finn’s life long-distance over the radio (look we all have our faults but Clarke, Raven and Octavia are equally to blame for this one so no foul to Abby)

saves Marcus’ life under the rubble of Tondc

saves Roan’s life when he’s shot

…literally are you getting my point half the people in the show would be dead if it it weren’t for her

keeps Ontari alive (and thus helps Clarke save the world) by CRACKING OPEN HER CHEST AND MANUALLY PUMPING HER HEART look even Murphy was impressed by that

she’s super badass and incredibly brave even without resorting to violence and killing like other characters

willing to go to jail and the airlock (!!!) multiple times to try and save the people due to die in the Culling

willing to fire herself at the Earth in an ancient rocket cobbled together by Raven just for the chance that she can prove the kids are alive

goes to meet Indra, a heavily armed enemy warrior leader, alone and unarmed, and doesn’t back down even with a knife held to her throat

climbs into the rubble of Tondc to save people even though she herself was safely out of it

saves Raven’s life (again!) by taking the chip when ALIE makes her cut her wrists

saves Jackson and Miller’s lives on Science Island by distracting a drone

she’s a devoted, loving and good mother (FUCK YOU I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL)

kind of a surrogate mom to Jackson who lost his mom at a young age

clearly wants to adopt both Raven and Murphy too

willing to move heaven and earth to find Clarke and protect her

stands up to Jaha to back Clarke in season two even as he tries to have her deposed and thrown into the stockade because…

“I have faith too. In my daughter.”

also in season two, defers to Clarke and gives up any chance of finding survivors from the other Ark stations to focus on rescuing the kids in Mount Weather

understands why Clarke left post-season two and even though it’s clearly hurting her she doesn’t try and drag her back before ‘she wants to be found’

look I don’t want to go too far on this because some of the time Abby DOES show poor judgement and go overboard in trying to protect Clarke?? I can’t deny that but honestly if the worst u can say about Abby Griffin is that she loves her daughter too much then you’re reaching pretty badly tbh, considering other characters have list of faults that literally include ‘torture’ and ‘genocide’

she’s a woman of extraordinary integrity and deeply held ethics, but also pragmatic and not stupid about it

“You don’t have to justify yourself.I broke the rules and I accept the consequences”

she ALWAYS does what she thinks is right…but she also NEVER shies away from the consequences

horrified by what Clarke does in letting Tondc be bombed…but keeps the secret anyway because she knows it’s necessary

deeply hurt by Clarke’s coup in S2 and shocked at the change in her daughter…but steps aside for her anyway to avoid more bloodshed from an actual fight

haunted and grief stricken by her beloved husband’s death…but was the one to turn him in, because she believed that risking the life of one person she loved couldn’t outweigh the risk of many more lives being lost by his actions

she’s the kindest, sweetest darling

befriends Raven, sees potential in her and treats her as an equal and an ally

besties with Purest Cinnamon Roll Jackson

sees the potential in John Murphy

respects and trusts Lincoln as an advisor when she’s Chancellor

constantly torn between worry and pride for her wayward daughter but would do anything to keep her safe

forgives Marcus Kane for all the bullshit he put her through and ends up being his biggest supporter and ally and helping him to become a better man

constantly trying to heal everyone and save everyone even though she knows she can’t

constantly trying to find solutions that don’t involve violence and death

wracked with guilt for things she couldn’t have forseen and couldn’t change, worries that she isn’t a good person and doesn’t deserve to survive

led Arkadia in three months of real peace, turning a ramshackle camp into a growing, flourishing home even while dealing with her own personal grief over Clarke being missing

doesn’t get enough sleep

her smile is like the sun coming out from behind the clouds

Abby Griffin in conclusion

she’s incredibly smart

she’s extraordinarily courageous

she’s self-sacrificing

she’s kind and compassionate

she’s passionately driven and principled

she’s willing to get her own hands dirty

she takes care of everyone even though no-one ever takes care of her

she has to try and be a leader AND a doctor AND a mother all at once and even though it means she’s constantly overworked and has to make impossible choices, she willingly bears the burden of those responsibilities

BONUS ROUND UNDER THE CUT!!! Common reasons people give for disliking Abby, and my response to them! :D

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ DISCLAIMER THE SECOND

Again, this is all just my opinion, and I don’t want to start an argument with anyone who disagrees. The ask here was ‘what evidence/arguments would I use’ so I thought a useful thing would be to lay out why the common arguments of those who don’t like Abby as a character do not sway me personally. My intention is to counter these criticisms with my own thoughts on the subject, not invalidate them.

Onwards!

“She’s an overbearing mother who doesn’t believe in Clarke’s leadership and competency even though it’s been proven again and again. She constantly tries to protect her when Clarke can clearly take care of herself and is trying to Get Shit Done without her mom’s interference.”

This is probably the most common one, and honestly I’m afraid I’m gonna have to repeat myself from my point above - if the worst thing you can say about Abby Griffin is that she loves her daughter too much…assuming that most people who make this argument love Clarke too, it seems like a bizarre reason to dislike Abby?

It also strikes me as oddly lacking in context. Overbearing parents can suck, sure, but…Abby Griffin isn’t getting mad about her daughter staying out late partying with friends or getting poor exam results. Abby Griffin is a mother desperately trying to prevent her only child from being brutally killed, or turning into a cold, ruthless killing machine herself, or else just ending up so broken and emotionally scarred that she loses her forever in another way.

These are not unreasonable concerns. These are things that happen to characters on this show!

Abby doesn’t want to lose her daughter. She doesn’t want her daughter to be hurt. She doesn’t want her daughter to have to make the terrible choices and unbearable sacrifices that a leader in Clarke’s position is so often called upon to do. And you know what? In her position I wouldn’t want that for MY daughter either! Is Abby selfish to want to spare her daughter these burdens? Maybe. Is she naive to think she can continue to protect Clarke under these circumstances? Almost certainly. But I can’t find it in my heart to blame her for trying.

Another thing I would really like to point out here that I think is often shamefully overlooked is that this is a flaw of Abby’s that improves with time. Yes, Abby does often question Clarke’s authority in season two and she is stubborn and open in her dismay at the change in her daughter that the Ground has wrought. But as time goes by Abby consistently backs Clarke and defers to her time and time again - standing up for her against Jaha, prioritizing her friends in Mount Weather above finding other Ark survivors, keeping the secret of the Tondc bombing…by the time season two ends Abby has come to terms with the person Clarke has become, and throughout season three and four she is nothing but a supportive and staunch ally to Clarke’s plans.

When they disagree on something Abby will always speak her mind, and when Clarke is in danger Abby will always try to protect her…just as any mother would, and as any of Clarke’s friends would. But if there’s one thing Abby Griffin has, it’s unwavering love and faith in her daughter. Clarke is clearly the person Abby cares most for in the world, and their relationship is one of the most important in the show - whether they’re at odds or working together, that relationship always makes both Clarke and Abby more interesting and more sympathetic to me. It feels like a genuine shame to me that some people find it a cause for resentment towards either of these characters instead.

“She’s reckless and doesn’t think through the consequences of her actions. She gave Finn a gun and he slaughtered a Grounder village! She smashed that machine in season four just to save Clarke when the entire human race was at stake!”

Actually I somewhat agree with this one! One of Abby’s faults throughout the show is that she often acts impulsively and makes unilateral decisions to do what she believes is right. Sometimes she turns out to be right…sometimes not. Either way this is something that makes me like Abby more as a character - she’s fallible and human! She makes mistakes! She’s so single minded about protecting her daughter that it can blind her to other concerns!

It makes her a much more interesting character, in my opinion, than an Abby Griffin who is unequivocally Right All The Time. As something of a moral compass for the show, it would be very easy for her to be boring, and having that stubborn, reckless streak makes her far more fun to watch. Give me morphine-stealing, black-market-dealing, do-whatever-it-takes-and-lie-through-your-teeth-to-get-what-you-want Slytherin Abby Griffin any day!

Because…at the end of the day, everything Abby does, good and bad, is done out of love for her daughter, and responsibility to her people. She’s not always right, but she is always - to paraphrase Jake Griffin - ‘doing the best she can.’ And I can’t help but love her for that, and root for her to succeed.

“She slapped Raven that one time.”

Yeah, that was a dick move. What, you expected something different? Just because I love Abby doesn’t mean I have to blindly agree with everything she does! As it happens, I share the opinion of a lot of people who think the writing for the show was at fault in this instance - I don’t think that slap was AT ALL in character for Abby to do, but that’s a discussion for another time. Assuming it IS taken as canon…yeah it was a total dick move. I hope (and genuinely believe) that Abby apologised to Raven afterwards.

But again, I can’t help but think…if the worst charge you can level against Abby Griffin is ‘she slapped someone who didn’t deserve it one time’ then in the context of THIS show that speaks pretty well of Abby, to be honest. Of course it’s absurd to argue that any bad thing Abby does is just fine because other people have done worse things but…just…it’s not unreasonable to get a little perspective here, maybe? This one instance of Abby doing something admittedly unpleasant and unjustified to Raven in a moment of stress is nowhere near enough to cancel out the genuine and loving friendship the two share for the rest of the show, and seems like a pretty thin reason to Hate Abby Forever, especially considering all the awful things literally every other character in the show has done at one point or another except for my precious son Jackson

So although I agree in principle, a lot of the time when people trot out this particular argument it feels a lot to me like playing on everyone’s love of Raven to try and get them to hate Abby…which leaves a nasty ‘pitting women against each other’ taste in my mouth, to be honest.

So yeah, I don’t like this scene. I don’t like what Abby does in this scene. I won’t make apologies for her behavior here. But what I like least of all is anyone who tries to use this scene as some kind of unforgivable indictment of Abby’s character, when it is quite clearly exceptional and uncharacteristic behavior for her; something never seen before or since.

It was a dick move though.

“She killed her husband!”

*sighhhhhh*

I don’t hear this one a lot these days, but I really don’t know why it ever comes up at all as a reason to hate Abby? I mean, I can’t believe I have to spell this out for people because it is all explicitly laid out for you on screen in the show, but here in handy list form:

Abby clearly and demonstrably loved Jake Griffin, was terrified that he might be killed for exposing secret information and begged him not to do it

when he refused to back down, Abby confided in Jaha about his plans, because she genuinely believed that Jake was going to doom everyone on the Ark by going public, including Clarke

Abby and Jake were both personal friends with Jaha, and Abby believed that he would not execute Jake - a reasonable thing to think, as Jake had not yet committed a crime and Jaha HAD the power of pardon and was more than willing to use it on Abby when she later broke the law to save HIS life (hey fuck you Thelonius by the way)

when this did not happen and Jake was executed anyway, Abby was clearly and demonstrably horrified and grief stricken

even though Jake Griffin’s death was neither her intention nor her fault, she still obviously bears terrible guilt for her role in it and will have to live with the pain of losing the man she loved every day for the rest of her life

…seriously, this is all there on screen. Why some people persist in portraying Abby as some kind of cackling murderess who happily shoved her husband out of an airlock is beyond me. She trusted the wrong person and made a terrible mistake; an attempt to save lives that ended up losing the life of someone she loved deeply. It was a tragedy for everyone involved, born of the choices made by several different people all acting out of the best of intentions. Abby never came across as anything but deeply sympathetic to me when I watched this storyline play out on screen, and I’m just baffled that anyone feels otherwise? What show were you watching?

“She’s old and boring.”

Hey: fuck you!

Ok so not a lot of people straight up come out and say this, but a lot of the hate towards Abby Griffin really does seem to be because she has the audacity to be a woman over forty on TV. If you hate Abby because she displays characteristics or acts in a way that you would be swooning over if given to a sexy young man in his 20s, then the problem is a whole lot of socially ingrained ageism and misogyny, and there’s not a lot I can do to persuade people out of that.

~**~IN CONCLUSION~**~

A lot of people have different reasons for not liking Abby Griffin as a character, just as is the case for any character in any work of fiction. Some of them I can understand, even if I don’t personally agree with them. Some of them I think are both unfair and unreasonable. However, at the end of the day, all I can do is try and explain my own reasons for Abby being my favourite character, which I have done at…uh…some length. WOOPS.

I love Abby. I think she’s an interesting character,a sympathetic character, a vibrant and complicated and vital character. She’s someone I look up to, the kind of person I would like to be. And it bums me out to think that there are fans who just don’t like her, or simply don’t care about her, and that I will probably never be able to change their minds on that.

But there are plenty of people who feel the same way I do too. So Anon, if you are still reading this - and frankly I wouldn’t blame you if you had given up some time ago - my advice for you is this:

Agree to disagree. Talk to your friend about characters you both love in the show. Ask them to keep an open mind about Abby, and try to find out why they just haven’t warmed to her in the way you presumably have. And if you ever want to flail over our smol cinnamon roll science babe queen…there are plenty of us ready and waiting to join you :)

#Anonymous #The 100 #Abby Griffin #The 100 meta #all I can say about this is...well...you asked #I am always up for talking about Abby

171 notes · View notes

star-anise · 7 years

Note

I'm in my last year of undergrad and I feel like everything has gone to shit. The past year and a half have been awful, i have depression, anxiety and im almost positive i have ADHD too. I feel like such a piece of shit because I keep asking for the extensions on projects and exams, and I'm afraid I'm gonna be this way forever. Sorry this is a lot but do you have any advice on how to take the first step in digging myself out of this hole ive created?

Okay, so it seems like you came in via this post. That’s pretty much my philosophy here. I don’t know if you’re gonna “be this way forever” or not--I know I will probably be the way I am (depressed, anxious, with ADHD) forever, but that isn’t necessarily the same as being a trash disaster on academic probation forever.

I’ll be honest, I kind of feel like after a year and a half, you’re kind of an expert on what you can do with two hands and a shovel. You’ve been digging yourself out as fast as you can, and it’s been a real struggle. I think it’s time for you to get actual help, as in, other people. Reaching out to me was a good first step. I can help you decide where to go from here.

Keep it simple and take it slow. If you don’t know where to find any of this stuff, feel free to private message me your school’s website; I have a minor knack for reading organizational structures.

For the next week, pick ONE OR TWO of the following options. Even if they’re all good ideas, keep your goals manageable. And then, of those one or two, pick one or two SMALL ACTIONS you can do to pursue them, like looking up a number in your student handbook or making an appointment. If you do more, that’s great, but the siren song of our people is, “I’m gonna accomplish so much!”

Without further ado: Some Options For Help

Your school’s Disability Services/Accessibility Office/Office of Inclusion/whatever they call it

You’re looking for the office that helps Deaf/Blind/mobility-impaired students succeed in school. Mental health falls under the same category. It’s their job to make sure your school is providing you with as much chance at an education as it would provide to someone who’s totally neurotypical. Tell them what you told me.

Stuff they can do:

Tell you what your school’s requirement is for documenting a disability

Give you information on local assessment and treatment options--what psych professionals locally are good? Is there a fund somewhere that will cover your testing? Does the student health centre have a psychiatrist?

Provide you with a letter that tells your instructors that giving extensions, having flexible schedules, or dropping penalties for non-attendance is a legal requirement to accommodate you. This is not necessarily a free pass--a professor may decide that some things are mandatory or non-negotiable--but it is an easy way to bring these problems up early, before they become an issue.

Help find your or fund you a tutor (more on this later)

Help you find other resources and services on your campus

Your school’s Counselling Centre/Wellness Services/Social Work Office/wherever they hide the shrinks

This is the place where they offer free counselling. If there’s walk-in, go to walk-in; if they can book an appointment in a week, go in a week; if there’s a three-month waitlist, get your name on the waitlist.

Funny story--I had graduated undergrad before I realized that students got free counselling on-campus. I’d been in therapy since I was 16, but five years of undergrad? Yeah, no clue. I was looking for therapists on Psychology Today and shelling out hundreds of dollars out of pocket, and there were hot and cold running therapists under my very nose.

In fact, there might be more than just therapists. The school I worked at had regular counsellors, and also a Learning Specialist, whose job included teaching people with executive function disorders like depression and ADHD how to study effectively! It’s worth asking about.

When you see one of these people, it’s very tempting to think they are An Adult Who Is The Boss Of You. They will look at you, understand you with their expert knowledge, tell you what your deal is, and give you instructions on what to do now!

In reality, therapists are not Sherlock Holmes, or profilers on TV. We can’t just look at you and go, “I see by the way you button your coat that you’re a middle child and ambiguity makes you uncomfortable.” We rely a lot on “client report”--on what you say is true. Psychological assessment is a process involving interaction, not a detached observation of stable qualities. If a therapist says something about you that seems inaccurate, it is beneficial and good to say, “No, actually, I think you’re mistaken. To me, it looks more like...”

You’re recruiting an experienced co-traveller to go on a trip with you. They know a lot about rocks and trails and climbing harness, but they don’t know the territory you’ll be travelling together. So first and foremost, you want to find someone you want to go on a trip with: a therapist who is a good fit for you.

If you don’t like your assigned therapist, ask for a new one. We have an ethical responsibility to provide referrals when we can’t provide someone with the treatment they need, and since a good client-therapist relationship predicts therapy outcome like 70% of the time, simply not liking or trusting your therapist is a good enough reason to try somebody new. If you want you can just email them after the session and say, “I don’t think you and I quite clicked. With what you know now of my personality and issues, is there someone else in your office you can refer me to?”

Medication. Different medication.

Not gonna lie, going on antidepressants was like... getting the inside of my brain whitewashed. There was so much space. So much room. I could think and feel without being constantly smothered in negativity! And going on ADHD meds on top of that was like.. the thoughts that had always been slippery, unable to grasp or manipulate, suddenly became solid in my hands. I could grip them, slow them down, tell them to go somewhere else.

Both times, it took five to ten adjustments to get to the right cocktail and dosage. For example, I was on an antidepressant that stopped me from crying and freaking out all the time but killed my creative drive, so we added a drug that gave me more energy so I could write again. Then money got tight, we tried me on a generic, found that didn’t work, and found a way to pay for the first version. Each time, it meant seeing the doctor, trying a dose for two weeks or a month, and then going back to report progress and try adjusting it again.

Again: It’s a process, an interaction. It’s something you get a say in. And if you’re currently on meds--well, let me just say: If you sent me an ask like that, your meds aren’t doing their job. They’re not the right ones for you. So it’s time for an adjustment.

If you can get to or afford a psychiatrist, great! A general practitioner who’s known you for a while will often do. And if you need to, well, I’ve gotten my meds adjusted by a different doctor every time at a walk-in family practice clinic. You do what you can. Information on who and what is available is often why Disability Services is a great resource--who knows, maybe there’s a psychiatrist on campus you can see for free who sees the depression/anxiety/ADHD trifecta all the time!

(General life tip: When they give you an assessment for depression, anxiety, or ADHD, don’t downplay your symptoms. Answer the way you would on a bad day or when you’re struggling. Of course you know how to cope with these challenges, but the unfair part is that you have to cope with them at all)

A tutor or academic coach

This never occurred to me for a long long time, because I was always a “smart kid”, and I always thought tutors were for people who didn’t intellectually grasp the material. Meanwhile: Surprise! I have a developmental disability that significantly impacts my learning! My grad school put me on academic probation and effectively foisted a person of this job description on me, and it was the BEST THING EVER.

If you’ve ever felt like you would work so much better if only you had someone sitting there all the time making you work? Or a sympathetic friend who could help you break it down and be less overwhelming? If the only time you get your work done is when someone else asks you about it? This is the person for you.

Most schools provide these services to students for free, or subsidize disabled students’ tutoring. If all else fails, you can find a tutor on your own and say, “I get this stuff intellectually, but I really need someone who makes me spend time with it, because left to myself I’d get anxious and ignore it all until the night before the deadline.”

If you have good friends who can do this for you, that’s great too--but the biggest objection to the post that brought you here is, “I’m depressed and socially anxious--I don’t HAVE anybody to help!” So this post is aimed at linking you up to people whose explicit job it is to help you--people you, your insurance, or your tuition dollars directly pay for.

#staranise original #virgoduh

47 notes · View notes

gontagokuhara · 7 years

Text

fuck it i just got wifi (this is in reference to my "words fail reads like a suicide note" post that i cant link bc mobile)

also ya this is based entirely on the one (1) time i hammered out my own note so. if its inaccurate w/e thats why. and im gonna skip around w the lyrics some bc i dont have a cut either and i dont wanna totally spam ur dashes

anyways the first lines "i never meant to make it such a mess / i never meant for it to go this far / so i just stand here sorry / searching for something to say" is obviously like. acknowledging how hes a screw up and messes things up which is a key theme in notes, as well as a loss for words (which. song title. obviously) which is more common than u'd might think (at least it was for me). i had no idea what to say

"i never had the perfect girl who somehow could see the good part of me / i never had the dad who stuck it out / no corny jokes or baseball gloves / no mom who just was there cause mom was all she had to be" ignoring the context of the show, this just reads like him mourning his lack of the above 'perfect' girl/dad/mom.

"thats not a worthy explanation / i know there is none / nothing can make sense of all these things ive done" this is like his (or rather lack of) reasoning for what hes going to do, or perhaps the things hes done leading up to writing the note (again, consider the song without the context of the rest of the musical)

"words fail / there is nothing i can say" because how is he to justify what hes going to do? even if hes at this point, hes still hesitating, still considering the consequences; hes at a loss for how to end his interaction with the world, even though thats his endgoal (and who can blame him — its not easy trying to find the the best last words)

"no id rather pretend im something better than these broken parts / pretend im something other than this mess that i am / cause then i dont have to look at it / and no one gets to look at it / no, no one can really see" a lot of my note was...very focused on my own shortcomings and essentially what made me bad, and that same sentiment is very present here.

its obvious evan dislikes himself immensely. he sees himself as being composed of broken pieces, that hes a disaster just waiting to go off. and hes so hyperaware of this, and so afraid of people seeing him for what he thinks he really is. and if he does this, if he takes himself out of the narrative completely, no one can 'really see' him anymore (himself included. he doesnt want to have to live with himself, either)

"cause ive learned to slam on the break / before i even turn the key / before i make the mistake / before i lead with the worst of me" he takes himself out of situations that can potentially damage him before they have a chance to pan out. killing himself would be damage control; keeping himself from making a mistake that 'exposes' who he really is to the whole world

"what if everyone saw? / what if everyone knew? / would they like what they saw / or would they hate it too?" this fear of having his brokenness on display is here again, which is ironic considering (disregarding the actual context of the song and instead focusing on the note impression) if he were to kill himself, it would show how 'broken' and 'messed up' he was.

"all i ever do is run / so how can i step into the sun?" people consider suicide (whether rightly or not) a way of running from ones problems. we know evan is something of a coward in how hes shown himself to run from his issues, and killing himself would be a final act displaying this. the sun in this instance would be something akin to recovery; and so, if hes such a coward, someone who just runs from his problems and doesnt face them, how can he believe that he'll ever recover? what other option does he have except for this?

im sure this is very jumbled and long but tldr so much of evans dialogue in song can be read as a suicide note, with words fail having the ability to be read as a letter verbatim that has an end result of suicide.

#im. very intrigued by this #suicide /#deh #hcs #ig #dear evan hansen #evan hansen #words fail #gotta love tag whoring #long post

44 notes · View notes

cantwritetosavealife · 5 years

Text

My Dad is a Pastor... P.S. Someone show Hopsin. He gets it.

Dad you need to read this. This connects the religious struggle I have been facing through my life. I think lately I have truly come to know God. I think this rapper is struggling. He is similar to all the people I have come to know in my walk through life with God. I think you and I need to start having sessions together again where you teach your knowledge and discipline with our faith and I can show you what the world is today and where we are at since as Christians we are only as holy as the most unholy person among us.

I Encourage you to listen to this song over and over until you can understand it. It will be hard for you because you are very disconnected from where the world is today.

Dad, I think you gave up on bringing heaven to earth. Dad you haven’t been the same since grandpa died. But I’m gonna bring you back to reality.

I’m really sorry about the language and about the harsh reality that im revealing, I really hope that you understand.

You need to understand that those people who did not find god that you have faced in your life… they went off and had kids.. and I grew up with those kids.. those kids are becoming men.. I want to stand in the middle of all the evil that these people are subjected to and I want to be the rock.. I trust in my faith in God, I know I will fail.. but I’ll stand back up and I will subject myself to everyone’s ability to forgive.

Im sharing this for everyone that feels like they know christian faith better than the ones who taught them. Your right, trust God, question everything in this world, but trust God, contemplate the bible and research what you don’t know about the natural world, the more you connect the two, the more you will learn about yourself and the world, don’t be afraid of what you don’t know.

Ill Mind Of Hopsin 7

It's us, mind power

Live life, mind power

It's us, mind power

Live life, mind power

Yo, fuck anybody I might alarm

Life is a tour, I sit and ride along

Taking some notes and then I write the song

I'm staring down the road my life has gone

Is this where I belong?

Is it wrong to not believe in right and wrong?

My mental state is fucking me up

And I cried upon while asking you for some answers

But we don't have that type of bond

Now my desires gone with the way that I've been living lately

If I died right now, you'd turn the fire on

Sick of this bullshit, niggas call me a sellout

'Cause I hopped on Christianity so strongly then I fell out

Now I'm avoiding questions like a scared dog with his tail down

Feeling so damn humiliated 'cause they looking at me like I'm hellbound

What story should I tell now? I'll just expose the truth

I'm so close to the fucking edge, I should be close to you

But who the fuck are You? You never showed the proof

And I'm only fucking human yo, what am I supposed to do?

There's way too many different religions with vivid descriptions

Begging all fucking men and women to listen

I can't even beat my dick without getting convicted

These ain't wicked decisions, I got different intentions

I been itching to get it, I've been given assistance

But the whole fucking system is twisted

Now I'm dealing with this backlash because Marcus isn't a Christian

And I've been told that my sinful life is an addiction

But I can't buy it, it's just too hard to stand beside it

I need an answer and humans can't provide it

I look at the Earth and Sun and I can tell a genius man designed it

It's truly mind blowing, I can't deny it

Is heaven real? Is it fake? Is it really how I fantasize it?

Where's the Holy Ghost at? How long it take Man to find it?

My mind's a nonstop tape playing and I can't rewind it

You gave me a bible and expect me not to analyze it

I'm frustrated and you provoked it

I'm not reading that motherfucking book because a human wrote it

I have a fucking brain, you should know it

You gave it to me to think to avoid every useless moment

It was a mission that I had to abort

'Cause humans be lying with such an inaccurate source

It's gon' be hard to put me back on the course

Next Jehovah's witness to come on my porch, I swear I'm slammin' the door

A lot of folks believe it though, but I'm not surprised

Humans are fucking dumb, still thinkin' that Pac's alive

I ain't trying to take your legacy and torch it down

I'm just saying, I ain't heard shit from the horse's mouth

Just sheep always telling stories of older guys

Who were notarized by you when you finally vocalized

Now I'm supposed to bow my head and close my eyes

And somehow let the Holy Ghost arise, sounds like a fucking poltergeist

Show yourself and the boom is done

Every rumor's gone, I no longer doubt this shit, you're the one

I'll admit that my sinful ways was stupid fun

And all my old habits can hop onto of a roof to plunge

I'll donate to a charity that could use the funds

Fuck the club, instead of bitches I'd hang with a group of nuns

And everyone that I ran into would know what I came to do

I wouldn't take a step unless it was in the name of You

I hate the fact that I have to believe

You haven't been chatting with me like you did Adam and Eve

And I ain't seen no talking snake or rabbit from trees

With an apple to eat, that shit never happens to me

I don't know if you do or don't exist, shit is driving me crazy

Send your condolences, this is me reaching to you so don't forget

If hell is truly your pit of fire and I get thrown in it

I'mma probably regret the fact that I ever wrote this shit

My gut feeling says it's all fake, I hate to say it but fuck it, shit I done lost faith

This isn't a small phase, my perspective's all changed

My thoughts just keep picking shit apart all day

And in my mind I make perfect sense

If you aren't real then all my prayers aren't worth a cent

That would mean that I could just make up what my purpose is

And I could just sit in the church and say fuck in the services

Man what if Jesus was a facade? Then that would mean the government's God

I feel like they've been brainwashing us with a lot

So much that we don't even notice that we're stuck in the box

Man everything is what if, why is it always what if

Planet Earth what if, the universe what if

My sacrifice what if, my afterlife what if

Every fucking thing that deals with you is fucking suspect

I'm fucking done, I'm fucking done

This is my fucking life and I'm living it, I'm having fun

If you really care for me, prove that I need to live carefully

But I'll be damned if I put my own pleasure aside for an afterlife that isn't even guaranteed

We are you, and you're us, stop playing games

My life's all I got, and heaven is all in my brain

And when I feel I am in hell, my ideas are what get me through pain

Do as you please, and I'll just do me, I'm a human, I'll stay in my lane

Ill mind

It's us, mind power

Live life, mind power

It's us, mind power

Live life, mind power

Songwriters: Marcus Jamal Hopson

Ill Mind Of Hopsin 7 lyrics The Administration MP Inc

0 notes

strigops · 7 years

Text

i’ve been writing a terrible short story about dinosaurs and im still not 100% done with the plot (or even like, 60% done) but here’s my awful, awful first draft of the very beginning

It is two days after your son dies that you meet your daughter. The rain is heavy and she struggles beneath a log pushed from the hillside. She screams and scratches at you as you lift the small (to you) tree from her back. She is smaller than your son and certainly too old for you, with a too-skinny head and a tail that whips you across the snout. Her feathers are not downy like his, the pin-feathers are long gone. The grief makes her bigger, heavier than she is. You name her Eth.

She is afraid of you at first, until you make no attempts to chase after her. Curiosity has her trotting back along the beach from where she had sprinted away on too-fast feet, strutting a loose circle around you. When she clicks in your direction you can’t help the high-pitched (for you) contact call that rises from your throat. It is then that she becomes your daughter, when she answers in a low warble that, to you, sounds the same. When she turns to leave, this time she doesn’t run when you rise to follow her.

She sticks close to you, perhaps out of thanks, and it takes two days and several offerings of killed mammals for her to start following you more closely. You wonder if perhaps you’re only manipulating the poor thing into associating your company with food, until you see her hunt. She’s impossibly quick, but inaccurate. She only catches a small runner, the ones that look like smaller Eth’s, and only half by chance. You realize then that she’s not as old as she acts; she’s still a child, barely older than your son. You wonder, how long do her people keep their children? How long could they love their parents, and how much time do you have left?

Did her people love her as you would?

You resign yourself to teaching her to hunt and survive, at least until she exiles herself from you. But it’s difficult, she is Eth, not you. She is small and made of lightning, incapable of your own lumbering brutality. Hitting her head against an herbivore wouldn’t knock them over, just earn her a vicious kick. Her kind has no trouble taking down those larger than themselves, but they do it as a team. For now, you are her team. Lucky Eth, you think, plunging your great teeth into the side of a small horned-beak. Your daughter deserves to eat like your people do.

Through the days her other quirks reveal themselves to you. You don’t understand her fast language, the high-pitched squeaks and rasping hisses that you hear more often above you from those other feathered flying things. You muddle through it in your own breathy barks and rumbles. You learn what most of her chirps and whistles mean to her, and she seems to do the same for you. You learn the way she plays, racing up from behind you and weaving around your feet, or darting out of the brush and onto your head, bunching up her feathers and screaming comically. You barely push her with your massive head and she falls over dramatically, feet kicking pitifully in mock-death. You learn she likes to sleep by your small front limbs. Eth nudges her head into your feathers and dreams about kicking that killing claw, dreams of one day using it to slice into the hide of an animal much larger than herself. You wonder if you’re giving her a complex, helping her take down things four times her size. For now, her feet flop mostly harmlessly against your own. You drone in a low rumble that once lulled your son to sleep, unaware the sound is beyond her range of hearing.

She has been with you for many, many days when your people start to gather. Her plumage is filled out and full, a brilliant white, feathers like many teeth draped from her forelimbs. She follows you, perhaps somewhat unwillingly, to where the short-claws come to meet. Your kind has convened all around this forest, as they do every year. You think at first to hide your daughter. She has grown strong, but is still so, so small. Your plans are dashed when another short-claw approaches you. You roughly tuck Eth behind you as she squawks indignantly.

“Oleander,” says the short-claw. You think you recognize her.

“Halin,” you reply “It is good to see you.”

“And you,” she cocks her head to look behind you “And your little child.”

The last word drips with dangerous interest, and you huff and puff up a bit. Eth trills a question behind you.

“How do you know of her?” you question.

“Everyone knows of the curve-claw you took from the south. Our people don’t meet often, but we still talk, don’t we?”

She says it like you stole Eth, and you try not to be angry. You exchange as many pleasantries as you’re comfortable with for Halin, and then make your way to the edges of the forest, away from everyone’s leering eyes. Eth follows, clearly confused. You wish for the thousandth time that she understood your language, but knowing would only make her afraid of conversations like this. You are not sure how to tell her the reason for the gathering. You do not know how to tell her that your people are meeting to journey south, to the place you found her. You do know that she will follow, no matter where you lead.

“Strange-Name!” another short-claw calls from behind you. You had just settled down, Eth nestled under your wing, and you turn to give them a pointed look.

A short-claw lumbers determinedly towards you. He is large and brightly colored, and he has led your people to the south for many years.

“Glad to see you here,” Arval says “I was afraid something might hold you back.”

He looks right at Eth, and you feel your feathers raise, a noise you don’t use often bubble up in your throat.

“Easy,” he laughs “I was hoping you’d bring your…child. I’d like a word with her.”

He tells you of the plan, of his idea to go the usual route except farther, deeper into curve-claw land. That is where all the best prey is, he says, there’s hardly anything good enough for the whole clan to consume any farther north. But any further south is dangerous, it belongs to the curve-claws and everyone knows it. Solitary short-claws are tolerated, but a whole band is breaking the truce.

He wants passage to the lowlands, explicit permission from one of its denizens to trespass. He doesn’t say it, not yet, but you know it. Your whole clan has approached you now, and Arval makes his speech.

“I have seen what your kind does to mine.”

He turns and Eth’s attention is on his face, on the many scars carved into his snout, gouging through his lips and eye like little canyons. You know how he got them; blundering into a particularly large family of curve-claws with the intention of raiding their kill, but Eth is ignorant. You’re not sure if you see fear or defiance on her face.

“We will feast like we deserve in the lowlands. So tell me, child,” Arval lowers his head to Eth, “Where were your people born?”

You see her freeze in indecision. She does not understand your language. She does not understand what is being asked of her, and you don’t know how to tell her.

Arval sees the misunderstanding on her face clearly, and turns to you. He knows that you wandered just close enough to curve-claw land to come upon her. He says nothing, but you know what is expected of you. Lead your people into Eth’s home, and let them ravage it. You tell yourself that you will rebel, become solitary again like all those years ago. And if you go at all, it will only be to return Eth home.

Your clan rises at dawn, and so do you and Eth. She is nervous of being so close to so many big things, and stays near, walking beneath you. You want to tell her. You want to lead her away, so she doesn’t have to see her people at war. She is old enough, you assume, to remember her own clan. You don’t want her to see it torn apart. You have a few days, though, to come up with a plan. To either leave or sabotage your own people’s survival. It would be easy to walk away, to rise late at night with your daughter and disappear into the forest. But what had the curve-claws ever done?

You walk for days, always behind all the others, not letting any openings for anyone to snatch Eth right out from under you. She is still confused, still anxious, but still trusts you. You’re not sure she should, you think, because Arval trusts you too.

#this is. so bad.#im trying to use my usual writing style but it's not suited for longer stuff #UGH i wanna post the thing i started the other night cause i actually like it but it's far from done enough :/

1 note · View note