#but it’s 1:00am and I’m crying stressing over two people who went off just to go off

[caught-in-the-filter]

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[shortprince-cos]

Patton Angst Fic Because I Can't Stop

Summary: Patton decides to run...a little experiment.

Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort.

Ship: Platonic or Romantic LAMP, your choice.

Warnings: Suicidal thoughts, exhaustion, crying, not eating, breaking down a door, loneliness. Tell me if I need to add anything else!

~~~~~

Patton was tired.

That was more of an understatement. He woke up at 6:00 every morning to make breakfast for all of the sides. Most of them ate a little differently, so it required a lot of work to get all of the meals perfect.

Everyone took their meals back to their rooms to eat. An occasional thanks was given, but most meals were lonely, with only Patton eating at the dinner table.

Patton didn't mind.

After eating breakfast, Patton would clean the house. He did this every day. He probably didn't need to clean the whole house every day, but he wanted to. He wanted it to be perfect.

He would take a 'break' at noon, just in time for lunch. Making all the sides different lunches every day took a lot of work, but it was worth his family being happy.

...They never thanked him. Or sat with him during lunch.

But they appreciated him! They just didn't show it very often!

Patton didn't mind.

Believe it or not, Patton did take breaks. He went to check on everyone during the day, just wondering if they needed anything. Sometimes they would ask for water, or some kind of help, but more often than not, they dismissed Patton, saying they were 'too busy for distractions'.

Patton didn't mind.

He returned to cleaning after lunch. That usually lasted until 5:00. Patton would spend at least an hour working on the perfect dinner, one that everyone would enjoy! Dinner was usually the time when the whole family could get together and just talk about their day, or whatever they wanted really! It was when everyone was done with their work, and they could just spend time together!

...More recently, no one even came to get food. Patton wasted an hour making perfect meals, only to eat a fraction, and have to throw the rest away when it goes bad.

Patton...did mind. But he always acted like he didn't.

Patton stressed cleaned and cooked every day. No one knew that it was because of stress, but they never talked to him anyway, so it wasn't their fault.

Sometimes things got too overwhelming. The amount of work he had to do for Thomas, even though it was very little, it weighed heavily on him. Trying to fix everyone else's problems, but ignoring his own.

It was better to ignore those problems anyway, it's not like he had anyone to help him with them. Not like he helped the others.

Constantly worrying about the right decisions. Not just his decisions, everyone else's too. All of these things were torture, but they were worth it.

Were they worth it? No one thanked him. They barely even talked to him. It almost seemed like they were ignoring him after the last video. They only talked if they needed something, or they were in a video. Movie nights were long forgotten, the last one probably before the courtroom. After that, everyone was on edge, and started spending more time alone.

Patton lay in his bed, thinking about all of this. He rarely even fell asleep in his bed, most of his sleep was on the couch, when he couldn't keep his eyes open at 3:00 in the morning. He only went to his bed if he needed to think, and boy was he thinking.

'Was any of this worth it? They must acknowledge some of the things I do. Right?'

Patton was finally breaking down from the pressure. Actually realizing what was happening to his family- to him.

'Maybe I should test it. If they notice, I'll come right back, no harm done. If they don't notice...maybe I wouldn't be in the way anymore.'

Patton decided to run an experiment. He would stay in his room until someone noticed he wasn't there. He was sick and tired of being left alone, so he'll finally see if they actually cared or not.

Hopefully they would notice immediately. If they didn't notice in the first week...Patton wasn't sure if he would be around for the second.

---

Logan woke up at 8:00am precisely, as he always does. He quickly got up, showered, got dressed, brushed his teeth and hair, and tied his tie before going downstairs.

Logan didn't see any breakfast today, or any Patton for that matter. It was...odd, but Logan didn't think too much of it.

'He must have taken a day off. Usually he would tell us, but he must have forgotten.' Logan thought. Oh well, that meant Logan wouldn't have many distractions today.

Logan started brewing some coffee. Should he have breakfast? Of course it's 'The most important meal of the day!' as Patton would say. Was Logan going to have it? No. He usually wasn't hungry in the morning anyway, and he only ate it for Patton.

"Coffee instead of Crofter's? Who are you, and what have you done with Logan?" Logan turned to see Virgil coming down the stairs in his pajamas with his hoodie on top. His sarcastic joke making Logan chuckle a bit.

"Well, Patton left me with an option today." Logan explained while pouring his coffee into a mug that said '#1 Teacher!'.

"Patton isn't making us eat breakfast today? We can have whatever?" Virgil's face widened with a bit of surprise, but he looked more excited than anything.

"It seems he has taken a day off. Coffee?" Logan offered Virgil his mug, Virgil quickly accepted and drank it black.

"Patton took a day off? I'm shocked. Like, actually shocked. That never happens."

"I am 'shook' as well."

"Never say that again."

"Did I say it wrong? Is that not the meaning?"

"No, it was right, but it was super embarrassing and cringy. I have no idea why we taught you these things, it was obviously a mistake."

---

Logan's day went by normally- well almost. Patton never knocked on his door, and Logan never heard the vacuum running. He...missed it? He had no idea if that statement was correct, but he knew that working was a little harder without the white noise of the vacuum running from downstairs.

Why Patton vacuumed the entire house every day was a mystery to Logan. He certainly didn't need to. But the noise in the background was always comforting for some reason.

Logan didn't take any breaks today. He forgot to eat lunch, and by the time he was done with his work, it was 9:48pm. Oops. Guess he should probably eat something.

Logan made his way downstairs, surprised when Patton wasn't there. Logan also didn't understand why Patton slept on the couch most of the time, but whatever figuratively floats his boat, Logan supposed. It was odd not seeing him all day though.

Logan only ate Crofter's on some toast for dinner before going back upstairs at 10:13pm to go to bed.

He got to his bedroom door and hesitated. He glanced to Patton's door, debating something in his mind.

'Should I see if he's alright?' Logan thought. 'No, I'm just overreacting. All he did was take a day off, there's no need to worry.'

No need to worry.

---

It was two days later, and Virgil was worrying a bit. He hadn't seen Patton for awhile, and while he was happy he wasn't being helicopter-parented, he couldn't help but wonder where he was.

Despite being upset with him for accepting Jan-Deceit, Virgil wanted to just break into his room and find out what was happening, but as always, his anxiety stopped him.

"Logan?" He decided to ask Logan if he was being irrational or not.

"Yes Virgil?" Logan responded, not looking up from his book or moving from his spot on the couch.

"It may be just me, but, I'm worried about Patton." That got Logan's attention.

"Well, it certainly isn't just you. I have to admit I am a bit troubled for him as well. However, it has only been three days, I don't think we should jump to any conclusions. Besides, if Patton wanted to see us, he would. He might just want some time alone right now, especially after the last video we did." Logan explained. This calmed Virgil down a bit.

"Right." Virgil cringed, remembering the events of the episode he missed. "Ok, thanks Logan."

"No problem, Virgil." Logan smiled at Virgil before returning to his book.

Virgil sighed and plopped down next to Logan on the couch. He didn't really want to go back to his anxiety-inducing room after he just calmed down.

The two sat in silence the rest of the day.

---

Roman had just gotten back from his adventure in the imagination. He had been gone since...the video, but now he was ready to face everyone again! Saving an imaginary town full of imaginary people sure does boost your confidence!

But it was time to actually confront his problems. Like Patton and De-Janus. It still felt weird to say his actual name.

Roman emerged from his room for the first time in at least a week. The halls were empty. That's not normal. But were any of them 'normal' after the newest video? Not really.

Roman cautiously made his way down the steps to find Logan sitting at the table, and Virgil sitting on top of the couch.

They both kind of looked awful. Logan had bags under his unconcentrated eyes, his mind clearly wandering from his book while he fidgeted with his necktie.

Virgil...looked like Virgil, except he looked really tense and his brows were furrowed with worry.

"Well, I'd certainly hoped for a more enthusiastic response to my late arrival." Roman called attention to himself at the bottom of the stairs.

"Roman!" Virgil immediately shot up from the couch and ran over to hug Roman, which was...strange.

"Roman, where have you been?! You've been gone for three weeks!" Logan scolded while walking over to Virgil and Roman.

"Jeez, L. I just got back and I'm already getting yelled at?" Roman complained. "Wait, three weeks? No, that- that can't be right. I've only been gone a couple days."

"Well, clearly your calculations are wrong."

Virgil suddenly pulled away from Roman, choosing to shove him instead.

"Hey- what-?!"

"Do you have any idea how worried I was about you and Patton?! You've been gone for so long, I thought something had happened, but Logan told me not to worry, but then I started worrying more because what if we should have been worried and something did happen to you and we didn't know because we weren't worr-"

"Virgil!" Roman grabbed Virgil's shoulders to get his attention. "Calm down time, I'm fine. But, why are you worried about Patton? Where is he?"

"We assume he's in his room, but we haven't seen him for about seven days, three hours, fifteen minutes, and thirty-three seconds." Logan explained casually.

"And you haven't checked on him, why?"

"Logan says he's probably just taken the week off, or something..." Virgil quietly mumbled.

"Ok...that is very weird though. I mean, has Patton ever taken time off? Like, since we've known him?" Roman questioned Logan.

"Well, no. But I suspect Deceit has told him that he should take some time off, given the point of the last episode." Logan explained while Roman cringed at the thought of the last time he saw Patton.

Virgil groaned as well.

"Something wrong, Roman? Virgil?"

"Nothing..." The two quietly moaned in unison.

"Very well, if you two are so bothered by Patton's absence, I suppose we could go check on him." Logan offered while gesturing upstairs.

"Logan, you've been fidgeting with your tie throughout this entire conversation, and you expect us to believe you aren't worried?" Virgil accused while Logan very clearly stopped toying with his necktie.

Logan cleared his throat, his face turning slightly pinker. "Well- uh- lets just go."

And so the three of them journeyed up to Patton's light blue door, hoping to find their friend perfectly fine.

"Should we knock?" Virgil asked.

"Yes, if he doesn't respond, then we'll go in." Logan said in his 'I don't have feelings, but I'll comfort you anyway' voice.

Roman knocked three times and awaited an answer.

Nothing.

Roman knocked louder this time.

Nothing.

"Patton?" Roman tried opening the door, but alas, it's locked.

"Should we-" Virgil started before Roman kicked the door in surprisingly fast.

"ROMAN, YOU SHOULD HAVE WARNED ME FIRST!" Virgil exclaimed before looking into Patton's room.

"Empty." Logan stated the obvious.

Everyone slowly walked into the lifeless room.

"Wait." Virgil said quietly.

Well, almost lifeless.

Virgil slowly walked over to Patton's bed, which now everyone could see had a small figure hiding under the covers.

"Patton?" Virgil whispers as he kneels down next to the bed.

Suddenly a little Patton face comes out from under the comforter. "Yeah?" He asks in a small, meek voice.

"We were worried about you, are you alright?" Logan questioned as he walked over to where Patton was on the bed.

"Oh, so now you're worried." Patton replied with an attitude that he never had before.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Virgil tried his best to not let anger seep through his voice.

"Nothing, apparently." Patton buried himself in the blanket again, leaving the other sides confused.

"Yikes, he really has been spending too much time with Janus." Roman stated, which made something in Patton snap.

Patton immediately pulled the covers off and sat up angrily. "No! No, I haven't, because he's afraid you guys will hate him even more if he talks to me! And none of you guys ever come out of your rooms anymore because you're all mad at me! No one ever even acknowledges me anymore! I'm just so-so a-alone!" At this point Patton had hot tears rolling down his face while he gasped for more air.

"I-I know you guys need t-time, but...I can't do it anymore, I just c-can't."

"P-Patton-" Virgil started before Patton started laughing- wait, laughing?

"Its funny, right? How-how I can take all the time in the world to work through my issues, but the moment you guys need time..." Patton slumped in exhaustion. "God, I'm so selfish. I can't even last two weeks without you guys."

"Maybe, but we shouldn't have ignored you. We should have talked about it instead of ignoring it." Virgil said. "Instead of ignoring you."

"N-No. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm j-just overreacting, is all." Patton wiped away his tears even though new ones kept forming. "I-I'm fine."

"You're clearly not fine, Patton." Logan put his hands on Patton's. "You've apparently been sulking in your room all week. When did you even intend on coming out?"

"But Logan," Patton's face lit up. Oh no. "We came out years ago!"

Three different groans rang out in the bedroom.

"Patton, you know very well what I meant." Patton's face fell quicker than it rose.

"I-I know...Roman, when did you get back?"

Roman's face got a little happier. "Just today-"

"Patton." Logan interrupted, squeezing Patton's hand a little more. "You didn't answer my question."

Patton looked between the three of them before looking towards the floor and mumbling something indecipherable.

"Uh- what was that, Pat?" Virgil asked cautiously.

Patton quickly looked back up to meet Virgil's eyes. "I wasn't going to!" He exclaimed.

Everyone's faces were quickly filled with shock and disbelief.

Roman moved to sit next to Patton as well. "W-What? You were just going to stay in your room forever?" Patton only shook his head. "Then, what-?"

"No." Virgil suddenly interrupted, the shock never leaving his face. "Patton, tell me you weren't going to-" Virgil raised his hand to cover his mouth.

"Spit it out, Virge!" Roman exclaimed.

"It seems Patton was going to d-" Logan stopped in disbelief. "excuse me- duck out. R-Right?"

Roman gasped. "Patton, that's not true is it? It can't be true."

Patton started sobbing. Well, there was his answer.

Virgil shot up from where he was kneeling and quickly pounced on Patton, giving him a giant hug that was probably long overdue.

Logan and Roman looked at each other before joining the hug pile too.

Eventually they had to stop, considering Patton had to breathe sometime, so they all climbed off of each other.

Patton still had a few tears streaming down his face. "I'm-I'm sor-"

"Don't you dare apologize for feeling like that. Just don't." Virgil scolded quickly.

"Well, then you guys can't apologize either!" Patton claimed.

"Yes we can!" All three said in unison, which made Patton giggle a bit.

"Well, that's not fair." Patton complained with a small smile on his face.

"Alright, alright." Logan attracted everyone's attention. "Now that we have that sorted, maybe we should relax and try to de-stress for awhile, hm?"

"Sounds super!" Roman exclaimed before picking up a giggling Patton in a bridal style hold.

As Logan and Virgil exited the room, Roman leaned down and whispered to Patton.

"I'm sorry about the video. I shouldn't have overreacted like that. I know you're trying your best."

"Well, I'm sorry too-"

"Ah bupbupbup!" Roman booped Patton's nose playfully. "I thought we said you couldn't apologize anymore today!"

Patton only giggled more in response.

Soon enough all four of them were on the couch watching an array of Disney movies, the earlier events drifting from their minds.

~~~~~

Y'all wanted a stupid title, so there ya go! This fic was super self indulgent, so that's why it is the way it is.

If you ever feel alone or like life isn't worth it anymore, I highly suggest getting some help from a professional. Please don't shut yourself in away from people who care about you, because that will only make things worse. Remember, if you're gone, there's always someone who will miss you, even if it doesn't feel like there is.

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Reblogs are appreciated! 💖

[loyolahcmass]

Homily on I’m Still Standing by Elton John

Here is the preview of Fr. Rossi’s homily about the song I’m Still Standing by Elton John:

"Still Standing": How Elton John Survived Fame, Addiction and Suicide Attempts — and Learned to Love Others and Care for Himself

 “Come to the feast.”

Gospel of Matthew

 It was Oct. 25, 1975. 

 Elton John seemed on top of the world as he commanded a crowd of 50,000 fans at LA’s Dodger Stadium 

 The weather, like seemingly everything else in the 28-year old’s life, was perfect.

He vaulted across the stage, managing handstands on his keyboard while belting out hits like “Bennie and the Jets,” “Philadelphia Freedom,” and “Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting.” 

 The sunshine danced off his spangled custom-made Dodgers jersey, emblazoned with an appropriate team number: “1.” 

__________

 Earlier that week, his new album Rock of the Westies topped the charts, just like his last six.

 2% of all records sold on the planet bore his name. 

 Officials had declared it “Elton John Week” in Hollywood and honored him with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. 

 Now movie stars watched as John became the first person to rock the arena since the Beatles nine years earlier.

__________

 His mother, stepfather and neighbors were also in the crowd, ferried over by John on his private jet for the occasion. 

 They were among the few who knew that just two days before, he had swallowed a bottle of tranquilizers. 

 “I shall die within the hour,” he announced to a crowd of friends and family, including his grandmother. 

 Then he hurled himself into a swimming pool and waited for the end to come, or for someone to save him — whichever occurred first. 

__________

 “It was stress,” John now says. 

 “I’d been working nonstop for five years. 

 “But it was typical me. 

 “There was no way I was going to kill myself doing that. 

 And, of course, my grandmother came out with the perfect line: ‘I suppose we’ve all got to go home now.”

__________

 Paramedics fished him from the water and pumped the poison out of his stomach. 

 The show went on, as it always did, but the cost was becoming increasingly apparent to those around him. 

 “I was at the height of my ‘can’t do anything wrong’ thing, and yet my personal life was a total wreck.” 

__________

 He would characterize the act as a cry for help. 

 It was like, ‘Look at me, I’m really unhappy. 

 "Can you do something about it? 

 "Because if you don’t, I’m going to be dead.’”

__________

 The jarring incident forms an emotional pillar of Rocketman, the biopic starring 29-year-old Taron Egerton as the music legend. 

 The “based on a true fantasy” film blends flamboyant musical numbers with gritty drama, evoking both the public and private sides of rock’s greatest showman. 

 The unique blend underscores the turmoil behind the glitter, particularly at the moment of what should have been his greatest triumph. 

__________

 “That iconic Dodger Stadium performance is a part of rock history,” says Egerton. 

 "Elton wasn’t well at that point. 

 "I think it’s such an incredible thing for someone to survive such a low ebb."

__________

 Elton was increasingly alone, because his friends didn’t want to see him destroy himself.

 He spent most of the ‘80s in the grip of his cocaine addiction, recalling only a “complete and utter blur.” 

 He began to suffer seizures as a result of his drug use. 

__________

 Associates would find him blue on the floor and help him to bed — only to discover him snorting lines a short while later. 

 At one point, he was using it every four minutes. 

 “I would only know how to be the myth ‘Elton.’ 

 "I wouldn’t know how to live off stage. 

 "There was no balance in my life. 

__________

 “The self-loathing I had was awful.

 “I would walk around the house, not bathing for three or four days, staying up watching pornography all the time, drinking a bottle of scotch a day. 

 “And I was bulimic as well.

 "So, I wouldn’t eat for three days, then gorge on six bacon sandwiches and a pint of ice cream and throw it up. 

 "And then have a shower and start the whole procedure over again.” 

__________

 Flying across Europe on his private jet, he’d look down at the snow-white peaks of the Alps and think, “That’s like all the cocaine I’d ever sniffed.”

 And this was during the time that the star Elton John sang his greatest anthem, “I’m Still Standing”.

 It’s a brave song, but unfortunately, it wasn’t true for him as a human being at that time.

__________

 In the Gospel today, Jesus tells a parable of a king (God) who invites a bunch of fortunate people to his royal feast. (A good and fulfilling life with God).

 But they all say, “No thanks!”

 Why would people ignore an invitation to an incredible party?

 Why would some react with violence to the bearers of such an amazing offer?

__________

 Why not ask Elton John?

 He’d tell you himself that such behavior, his behavior, exemplifies an irrational spirit and self-destruction.

 It’s a symptom of a false understanding of freedom.

 It's the refusal to let ourselves be loved by God and other people who care about us.

__________

 When Elton John made the video of “I’m Still Standing,” his behavior had just broken up a long- standing relationship.

 And he was blaming the other person.

 Even though he had been up until 4:00AM that night and had six martinis and a lot of cocaine.

 He was fooling only himself.

__________

 It would take him many years to realize that true happiness comes when we learn that we've got to take care of ourselves and let others, including God, love and care for us as well.

 Elton can now sing with honesty the lyrics of the song:

 “I’ve finally got a taste of love.”

 Thank God it wasn’t too late!

[amygeeunit]

The Quarantine Chronicles: These Last Five Years & What I Thought I Wanted

There’s nothing like being alone in your own thoughts at 1:00am in the midst of a global pandemic... Instead of aimlessly scrolling through my Instagram timeline or checking my bank account with all the money I have saved from not going out, I’ve had time to think about what the 28 year old, almost 29 year old Amy needs versus wants...

I think in high school or at some point in our lives we have all fallen victim to “By the time I’m age this, I want to have x, y and z.” At 16, I thought at 25 I would have my life 85% figured out. Pretty funny concept now that you think about it, right? I actually laugh at how naive or how troublesome it is to have these unrealistic goals and tag an age onto them... I pictured myself living in a nice apartment, potentially dating someone, or if not just focusing on my career. Fast forward to 2020, besides this year being a complete clusterf*ck, I’ve had extra time to sit down and think of these last five years in a nutshell.

All I remember from 2015 was going to Vegas, still working in retail, having foot surgery and getting into CSUF. The rest is foggy because it’s been five years. Huh? I thought 2015 was last year...

2016 seemed to be one of my better years. I started at CSUF, went to Iceland, interned at Rastaclat, ended up getting a job at Rastaclat, entered into my first serious relationship, moved back out to Orange County and felt like at 24 - 25 I was killing the game (or so I thought.)

2017 wasn’t too bad. I graduated from CSUF in the spring, went to Oahu, continued on in my relationship and spent a majority of my time focusing on my career.

2018 is when life started to get real interesting. My pup, Ben G, passed away while I was out in Illinois visiting my cousin (long story to save for another post,) I started a new job at Pretty Great LLC, traveled to escape 99% of the time, started taking birth control that made me bloated, emotional and feel weird and moved back to Moreno Valley. During this time, my relationship started to crumble due to lack of communication, the wave of grief I was experiencing and everything in else in between that couples go through. I started going to therapy in July and in August, I had my first panic attack. In September, I decided I needed to get as far away from my life as possible. I booked a flight to Japan to visit Sarah since she was stationed out in Yokosuka. Yokosuka has a naval base and is about an hour from Tokyo. I talked to my boss at work a few weeks prior and asked for a week and a half off. Luckily, he was one of the most understanding and best people I have ever worked for in my career so far. Most bosses would have told you to “Get over it” or “Figure it out.” Rob Myers was a saving grace for me that year for letting me have my time off to not think about life. 

While I was in Japan, I remember the time change messing me up quite a bit. I think it took around three days for me to finally be okay without passing out in the middle of the day. In short, this trip changed me. It changed how I traveled, it changed how I process emotions, it changed my outlook on life, it changed many things for me. I came back from this trip and my relationship was virtually over. I didn’t know how to feel, I didn’t know what to do, it just sort of fizzled like a candle using its last part of the wick. October came and I spent my birthday in Big Bear with my parents. I remember crying in the cabin when we got back from Octoberfest. I don’t think it really hit me that I was single, with no friends around and that 27 was already a shit show on day 1. I visited my best guy friend and his sisters in Arizona at the end of October to make up for the previous weekend. I had no idea that November could get any worse for me, but it did. It was two days before Thanksgiving, November 20th, 2018. 

I was driving from Moreno Valley to Santa Ana one morning on my way to work. I took my normal route, left at my normal time, a pretty standard commute. About 2 miles from work, I was at a stop light. At this stop light I waited for about 30 seconds while the other cars went. The light turned green. As I was pressing my gas to accelerate, out of nowhere, a semi truck plows its way through the intersection and t-bones my driver’s side. I remember screaming. I remember it being like a scene from a Final Destination movie where the victim doesn’t know that death or uncertainty is upon them. In that moment, I remember thinking “This is it.” My reflexes shifted real quick and that was it. I remember pulling off to the side of the road leading up to the 5 freeway. I felt like my soul left my body for seconds then came back. I was shaking. I called my dad first and let him know what had happened. I called my mom and then the insurance company. I exchanged words and information with the driver. I remember being upset, but I couldn’t yell or get any words out. I just went by the protocol of what to do when you get involved with an accident. Sure, I have been rear ended before, but never t-boned and let alone by a damn semi truck. This accident passed, I was awarded some half ass money and in the midst of it all, I remember being so mentally drained that I cried out for help on Instagram Stories... I remember going through survivors guilt. I remember saying to myself “Why am I still here? There are people that die in accidents or by drunk/distracted drivers all the time... Why do I still have to live this life of pain and suffering?” In my mind and in 2018, I never knew how to take pain and suffering very well. I didn’t know it would shape me for what these next couple years would throw at me. 

December came and went. It was like a sigh of relief for me to know that the vicious cycle of the 2018 rollercoaster was coming to an end. At this point, I kind of gave zero f*cks as to what happened in life. A few days before Christmas, I visited my Grandma in Illinois and my grandparents’ grave site. I think my trip to Illinois was some type of closure to my 2018 year. I hadn’t been back to Illinois since my Grandma’s funeral in 2011. It was a cold and frigid trip. It was the first trip I had ever driven by myself. The only cool thing was running into Ja Rule at the Palm Springs Airport (before the Fyre Festival documentary came out, otherwise I would have yelled at him.) He was on my flight to Chicago. Jeffrey Atkins, you sneaky motherfucker, you! How I wish I would have known about you tricking people with that one guy... I ordered a “Survived 2018″ crewneck from this small online business store, went to Disneyland with my mom on Christmas and threw caution to the wind.

2019 was interesting, but not as heavy as 2018. I called 2019 the year where I  “rushed to get back to normalcy.” I realized the commute to PG was getting tiring pretty fast, I accepted being single and got back into dance. Dance saved my life, point blank. Whether it was subbing, teaching, training or being on a team, it brought back a sense of joy and also established new friendships along the way. I started a job at a marketing agency in March 2019 that was a short commute and about 6 months in, I realized this was something I wasn’t a fan of. It took me a while to realize that that was okay to feel uneasy about the jobs I once knew.

If I had to rate 2019 on a point scale, I would say it was a 6/10. I felt like the last few months I was suppose to be back to normal and healed from a lot of things I kept to myself. Dating people was weird because 1. I felt behind. What I mean by that was I thought by age 27 - 28, I would have met my “person,” by now. As I seen other friends get proposed to, plan their weddings and start their families, I started to feel like the odd woman out. Was there something wrong with me? Am I that complicated or hard to love? Are my values not aligning with people I like? Am I going to be that person that gets married at 40 or even at all? Will I always be the friend and not the potential girlfriend or wife? Who knows? 2. The reciprocity factor of it all and setting boundaries. 3. I don’t think I ever got over everything that had happened in my first relationship because we never cheated on each other, our trust when out without each other was never questioned and there was a best friend component in it. I was filled with regret, frustration and memories I forced myself to black out even after going to therapy and journaling it. Fact: I dread my birthday each year. I don’t like my birthday in general, but October I have mixed emotions about. The anniversary of my Grandma’s death is on 10/13, my Grandpa’s birthday is 10/14 and my birthday is 10/20. I spent the last couple months of 2019 drinking more than usual, especially after my friend, Beka, passed away suddenly in November. December came and went. I had my first trip to Puerto Vallarta and enjoyed some much needed beach time. I had this “idea” that I would move to the east coast with Sarah because I wanted to start over. That idea went out the window. I ended 2019 with buying a new car after having paid off my Kia Forte back in 2016.

It’s now 2020 and boy... It has been a shit show for the world I feel like. I can’t even begin to describe what a rollercoaster of emotions everyone is feeling right now, but I do have one word for me personally: gratitude. I started off the year so uneasy with finding out my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer again for a second time. I remember going into February with no expectations, yet I had expectations (weird right?) Without going into too much detail I felt like that quote by DJ Khaled saying “Congratulations, you played ya self!” I was constantly frantic about work, friendships, relationships, my future, dance, my parents, basically everything. I was a walking, talking ball of stress. March came around and I downloaded Bumble (yup, I went there) and matched with a really nice guy who actually knew two of my nurse friends. Then, COVID-19 was in full effect in the states and suddenly the idea of dating or wanting any kind of human interaction made me cringe... I had to politely excuse myself and move on. I checked in on friends and they checked in on me. 

I’ve spent more time with my parents, more time on myself and then it finally clicked: I am where I need to be in this exact moment. I don’t want to date anyone in quarantine, I don’t want to understand or have expectations for another human like I’ve been searching for these last 6 months. What the fuck, Amy? You are everything you need right now and it is not in another person. I’ve danced in quarantine, I’ve cried in quarantine, I’ve laughed in quarantine, I’ve journaled in quarantine, I’ve found myself again in quarantine. As easy as it sounds for most people, the concept is quite large. Since I was 18 years old, I have ALWAYS wanted to live by myself and try it out. It’s ten years later and in the midst of this uncertain time period, I know that 2020 is the year that I finally accomplish this. So, in short, 2021 I’ll be back on the “dating” field or whatever, but 2020 is my year to literally work. on. myself. This includes: my relationship with myself, my relationship with my friends, family, acquaintances, coworkers, etc., my health regiment, my mental health, my physical health, my emotional health, I think you get the point, right? In a time where some of us feel alone, I feel secure. My days vary and maybe I’ll post something tomorrow where I say “That post was trash, quarantine was terrible,” and while it is on most days, I’m so grateful to connect more deeply with people on a spiritual and conversational level. I was tired of hiding behind my day-to-day busy routine when I finally came to terms with myself.

We are all in this together. We are all processing what we need and want. I use this blog as a way to express and share what so many people keep to themselves. Maybe you can relate, maybe you think I’m too out there. Either way, to each their own. 

Until next time.

[yourcelinesaconlineventeblr]

Yes, another loss (And we are broken)

We’ve misplaced our baby.

I felt her kick for the first time on Wednesday night time around 1:00am once I couldn’t sleep. It had been a very tough day and feeling these first flutters of motion felt like slightly kiss from heaven. A number of hours later at 7:30am on Thursday morning I rushed off to a commonly scheduled exam at the start centre. They couldn’t find a heartbeat and a number of other rounds of ultrasounds confirmed she had handed away. It all occurred so fast and, honestly, I didn’t consider them at first. Did they not hear me? I felt her alive a couple of hours ago. I’m positive of it. Didn’t they hear me?

Final weekend for the primary time I bought a couple of maternity gadgets and a few baby woman clothes. All was progressing because it should and I assumed a (late) Mom’s Day purchasing journey was in order. With delight we had begun to let the truth sink in that we have been truly going to have a daughter that comes to full time period as we finish creating our household. (Yes, our scans a month ago showed the child was a woman, although we hadn’t shared that publicly but.) I feel like it’s all I’ve needed my entire life and this was my last probability. We felt so complete. So grateful. And not that it should matter, but this wasn’t a “surprise” child. This was a baby we longed for and prayed for and tried for over many long, tearful months of waiting and hoping and wondering if I used to be “too old” for the present of 1 final youngster. In fact we know an excessive amount of to imagine any stage of pregnancy is “safe,” but at almost half method by way of the being pregnant we had a deep sense of perception that this child would reside and thrive, and the whole lot up to now had confirmed that right.

So we’re surprised. Like—certainly this is all a mistake. Nevertheless it’s not. It’s actual and our child is lifeless. There’s no plainer or truer strategy to say it.

We’re taking the weekend to attempt to rest and I’ll be admitted next week to have an induction and hospital labor and supply—the best choice for this stage of being pregnant. The considered laboring a lifeless baby repulses me however it’s what it’s. I don’t anticipate I’ll need to speak about it any time soon, which is why I’m sharing all of this now. (Then again nobody actually knows what they’ll need in grief until they need it.) We feel like we want so much proper now, but don’t know what or how one can ask for it.

These previous couple of years have been brutal and we’ve grown battle weary. There’s not a big milestone in our lives in six years that wasn’t also marked with some kind of pain or struggling or deep sense of problem.

In the previous few months alone we’ve had our roof collapse, main hail injury on our automotive which has diminished its value and made it unsellable just before we have been going to trade it in for a larger one, then went hundreds of dollars into debt to repair the mechanics of that same automotive after it mysteriously had a string of unrelated things going fallacious with it out of the blue (our mechanic has warned us that we ought to be prepared for it to die past repair any day), we lost major financial help, had individuals reap the benefits of our generosity which sent us into more personal debt, had several others backflip on an array of various ministry-related commitments that they had made, had main appliances and costly electronics we depend upon for work all of the sudden breaking, and lots of other smaller (however nonetheless troublesome) things. These events in isolation are just a normal part of “life happens,” but once they are piled on prime of each other for months on end (and years on finish), you start to marvel for those who could be going crazy. Or if that is the worth we’re required to pay to proceed in vocational ministry. (Our first miscarriage occurred two days after deciding we would pioneer a brand new YWAM ministry in Sydney, and every single one since has correlated with a serious ministry determination we’ve made inside days of creating it.)

If it feels like we’re feeling sorry for ourselves, that’s right. We are. We’re uninterested in life being exhausting and we’re means beyond faking wonderful. We’ve acquired no time for platitudes and “God’s ways are higher than our ways” and “God is in control” one liners so please don’t throw any out-of-context Christian cliches at us, nevertheless nicely which means they is perhaps. As a lot as we can we’ve been placing one foot in entrance of the other, selecting to trust God, selecting to not be overcome. We’ve carried out this for years. But for a way lengthy? When do we get to wave the white flag? (Jesus, are you sleeping?)

By means of these notably troublesome months that appeared to return to a head early this yr, our baby has been the shining pleasure in the midst of our personal hardship and ministry pressures and financial-related stress. With getting pregnant and then having a miraculous inflow of employees be a part of the ministry we felt like issues have been perhaps turning a corner. And now this. Dropping this child seems like an excessive amount of. Can you break extra whenever you’re already damaged?

I’m not telling you all of this to make you are feeling sorry for us or to elicit pity (we have enough of our personal already), however simply to say that life might be so rattling exhausting typically (we’ve all been there—you too, little question). And it’s in these occasions things typically really feel like they hold getting worse. Not higher. So how do we cope when we’re walking round with already-tender hearts? What then once they appear on the verge of breaking utterly? Is this a desperate cry for assist? In fact it is. And but we’re not even positive of the precise help we need. The grief makes issues feel messier and louder and extra urgent than they could truly be. We know that.

Clearly we’re left surprised and completely heartbroken by dropping this baby. This really is the primary factor. The injustice of premature dying is so confronting. We’ve already been giving every part we should hold our heads above the surface and proceed to search for God’s goodness and apply gratitude for the various, many things going “right” in our lives. But we’re additionally tired. Uninterested in preventing and uninterested in what seems like dropping.

You could assume writing Grace Like Scarlett has made us “experts” in coping with grief. And in some ways, positive, we are nicely outfitted with a few of the instruments we need and to a point we have discovered how one can grasp on to hope when life feels hopeless. (That is the grace of God at work in ways unseen but by some means felt, enabling this miracle.) And sure, we sense the freedom we have to feel how we really feel and walk straight into our grief as greatest we understand how. However we definitely aren’t “experts.” Expertise or knowledge softens nothing. Pain is pain and grief is grief. It just hurts. If something we’re surrounded even more by the heartache of it all since messages land in my inbox every day from families looking for help or a listening ear after their very own loss and heartbreak. Some days it seems like our entire world revolves around ache—ours and others. We might have never seen this coming.

For many who know us personally, you understand that we’re additionally within the crucial period of making an attempt to recruit students to our first discipleship coaching faculty (DTS) starting in September at YWAM Sydney Newtown. The burden of communications and advertising to get college students is mine and now this. How can I hold doing my job? I’m alleged to be organizing a talking tour for a couple of weeks July and August to share the message of Grace Like Scarlett and help supply hope to people who are hurting, but how can I proceed once I’ve received so little left to offer? Perhaps this all seems unrelated however I assure you it’s not. Our lives are entire, built-in, complicated—simply as yours. So is that this another instance of the enemy of our soul using every means potential to derail what God has spoken? As a result of the one thing that appears constant in our lives just lately is that each time we step out in obedience to what we consider God has proven us we get hit. The timing is uncanny and in addition very complicated. It’s maddening.

Being blindsided once more with loss looks like an assault on so many levels: private and ministry and religious. Properly needs are high-quality, however the actuality is we want miracles on so many fronts—miracles that sustain. The miracle of grace to endure suffering is a method we sustain and I’m grateful for it. The miracle of God’s presence even whereas we’re at our lowest is another approach we sustain and we’re grateful for that too. But we also need the miracle of actual breakthrough—breakthrough that lasts and is not aborted before it absolutely takes root.

As you pray for our household, please hold all of this in mind. We merely don’t really feel able to carrying all that we’re surrounded by and we need God’s grace and the help of his Church and our group to help us as we navigate. Our employees members arrive principally in August. Our dearest associates are miles away. And we can’t put our lives or work on maintain until things are simpler, because what in the event that they by no means are?

In the event you’ve read this far, thank you for not staying away from our ache. I’ll doubtless submit this in all of the places, turn autoresponder on for my emails, after which back away for a short while to nurse my big vulnerability hangover and marvel why I shared so much so broadly. But here’s the thing: if we can’t be trustworthy about our ache, how can we be trustworthy about our hope? If we can’t be trustworthy about our despair, how can we be trustworthy about our joy? The human heart is a paradox, we intrinsically know that. I recognize your understanding if I don’t respond a lot right now. I gained’t converse for Ryan, but though I’m sometimes the one with all of the words, I will say that he’s in immense ache too. He’s articulated it properly to me and I’m grateful these final a number of years have at the least taught us how you can use language to call our heartache. We’re on this collectively and all of our burdens (and joys) are shared. We’re devastated and hanging on to hope by a thread.

Lastly, I need to close with some thoughts about how God enters into our struggling. I spent years forming a ebook round this very factor and I nonetheless consider it to be true:

Our humanity is the very factor that retains us tethered to God. It’s our humanity—our lack, our pain, our weak spot, our recognition that the world incorporates injustice and tragedy and struggling, our want for a Rescuer, our longing for Eden and the restoration of all issues—that helps us to see our need for the Divine. In the present day, we can see that need so clearly. With all that’s gone improper, this potential to “see” is both a gift and an invitation. And that, my associates, is nothing however the grace of God that never quits loving and pursuing and increasing into our lives even at the hours of darkness when we wrestle and squint to see it. As I’ve written in Grace Like Scarlett, “The spectacle of heaven is that it’s birthed into low places… He never stops creating life out of dust.”

I still consider it, even when I can’t yet see it.

Or, maybe more precisely: I consider, Lord. Assist me in my unbelief.

The post Yes, another loss (And we are broken) appeared first on Techno Crats Blog.

[wavyunicornrider]

Yes, another loss (And we are broken)

We’ve misplaced our baby.

I felt her kick for the first time on Wednesday night time around 1:00am once I couldn’t sleep. It had been a very tough day and feeling these first flutters of motion felt like slightly kiss from heaven. A number of hours later at 7:30am on Thursday morning I rushed off to a commonly scheduled exam at the start centre. They couldn’t find a heartbeat and a number of other rounds of ultrasounds confirmed she had handed away. It all occurred so fast and, honestly, I didn’t consider them at first. Did they not hear me? I felt her alive a couple of hours ago. I’m positive of it. Didn’t they hear me?

Final weekend for the primary time I bought a couple of maternity gadgets and a few baby woman clothes. All was progressing because it should and I assumed a (late) Mom’s Day purchasing journey was in order. With delight we had begun to let the truth sink in that we have been truly going to have a daughter that comes to full time period as we finish creating our household. (Yes, our scans a month ago showed the child was a woman, although we hadn’t shared that publicly but.) I feel like it’s all I’ve needed my entire life and this was my last probability. We felt so complete. So grateful. And not that it should matter, but this wasn’t a “surprise” child. This was a baby we longed for and prayed for and tried for over many long, tearful months of waiting and hoping and wondering if I used to be “too old” for the present of 1 final youngster. In fact we know an excessive amount of to imagine any stage of pregnancy is “safe,” but at almost half method by way of the being pregnant we had a deep sense of perception that this child would reside and thrive, and the whole lot up to now had confirmed that right.

So we’re surprised. Like—certainly this is all a mistake. Nevertheless it’s not. It’s actual and our child is lifeless. There’s no plainer or truer strategy to say it.

We’re taking the weekend to attempt to rest and I’ll be admitted next week to have an induction and hospital labor and supply—the best choice for this stage of being pregnant. The considered laboring a lifeless baby repulses me however it’s what it’s. I don’t anticipate I’ll need to speak about it any time soon, which is why I’m sharing all of this now. (Then again nobody actually knows what they’ll need in grief until they need it.) We feel like we want so much proper now, but don’t know what or how one can ask for it.

These previous couple of years have been brutal and we’ve grown battle weary. There’s not a big milestone in our lives in six years that wasn’t also marked with some kind of pain or struggling or deep sense of problem.

In the previous few months alone we’ve had our roof collapse, main hail injury on our automotive which has diminished its value and made it unsellable just before we have been going to trade it in for a larger one, then went hundreds of dollars into debt to repair the mechanics of that same automotive after it mysteriously had a string of unrelated things going fallacious with it out of the blue (our mechanic has warned us that we ought to be prepared for it to die past repair any day), we lost major financial help, had individuals reap the benefits of our generosity which sent us into more personal debt, had several others backflip on an array of various ministry-related commitments that they had made, had main appliances and costly electronics we depend upon for work all of the sudden breaking, and lots of other smaller (however nonetheless troublesome) things. These events in isolation are just a normal part of “life happens,” but once they are piled on prime of each other for months on end (and years on finish), you start to marvel for those who could be going crazy. Or if that is the worth we’re required to pay to proceed in vocational ministry. (Our first miscarriage occurred two days after deciding we would pioneer a brand new YWAM ministry in Sydney, and every single one since has correlated with a serious ministry determination we’ve made inside days of creating it.)

If it feels like we’re feeling sorry for ourselves, that’s right. We are. We’re uninterested in life being exhausting and we’re means beyond faking wonderful. We’ve acquired no time for platitudes and “God’s ways are higher than our ways” and “God is in control” one liners so please don’t throw any out-of-context Christian cliches at us, nevertheless nicely which means they is perhaps. As a lot as we can we’ve been placing one foot in entrance of the other, selecting to trust God, selecting to not be overcome. We’ve carried out this for years. But for a way lengthy? When do we get to wave the white flag? (Jesus, are you sleeping?)

By means of these notably troublesome months that appeared to return to a head early this yr, our baby has been the shining pleasure in the midst of our personal hardship and ministry pressures and financial-related stress. With getting pregnant and then having a miraculous inflow of employees be a part of the ministry we felt like issues have been perhaps turning a corner. And now this. Dropping this child seems like an excessive amount of. Can you break extra whenever you’re already damaged?

I’m not telling you all of this to make you are feeling sorry for us or to elicit pity (we have enough of our personal already), however simply to say that life might be so rattling exhausting typically (we’ve all been there—you too, little question). And it’s in these occasions things typically really feel like they hold getting worse. Not higher. So how do we cope when we’re walking round with already-tender hearts? What then once they appear on the verge of breaking utterly? Is this a desperate cry for assist? In fact it is. And but we’re not even positive of the precise help we need. The grief makes issues feel messier and louder and extra urgent than they could truly be. We know that.

Clearly we’re left surprised and completely heartbroken by dropping this baby. This really is the primary factor. The injustice of premature dying is so confronting. We’ve already been giving every part we should hold our heads above the surface and proceed to search for God’s goodness and apply gratitude for the various, many things going “right” in our lives. But we’re additionally tired. Uninterested in preventing and uninterested in what seems like dropping.

You could assume writing Grace Like Scarlett has made us “experts” in coping with grief. And in some ways, positive, we are nicely outfitted with a few of the instruments we need and to a point we have discovered how one can grasp on to hope when life feels hopeless. (That is the grace of God at work in ways unseen but by some means felt, enabling this miracle.) And sure, we sense the freedom we have to feel how we really feel and walk straight into our grief as greatest we understand how. However we definitely aren’t “experts.” Expertise or knowledge softens nothing. Pain is pain and grief is grief. It just hurts. If something we’re surrounded even more by the heartache of it all since messages land in my inbox every day from families looking for help or a listening ear after their very own loss and heartbreak. Some days it seems like our entire world revolves around ache—ours and others. We might have never seen this coming.

For many who know us personally, you understand that we’re additionally within the crucial period of making an attempt to recruit students to our first discipleship coaching faculty (DTS) starting in September at YWAM Sydney Newtown. The burden of communications and advertising to get college students is mine and now this. How can I hold doing my job? I’m alleged to be organizing a talking tour for a couple of weeks July and August to share the message of Grace Like Scarlett and help supply hope to people who are hurting, but how can I proceed once I’ve received so little left to offer? Perhaps this all seems unrelated however I assure you it’s not. Our lives are entire, built-in, complicated—simply as yours. So is that this another instance of the enemy of our soul using every means potential to derail what God has spoken? As a result of the one thing that appears constant in our lives just lately is that each time we step out in obedience to what we consider God has proven us we get hit. The timing is uncanny and in addition very complicated. It’s maddening.

Being blindsided once more with loss looks like an assault on so many levels: private and ministry and religious. Properly needs are high-quality, however the actuality is we want miracles on so many fronts—miracles that sustain. The miracle of grace to endure suffering is a method we sustain and I’m grateful for it. The miracle of God’s presence even whereas we’re at our lowest is another approach we sustain and we’re grateful for that too. But we also need the miracle of actual breakthrough—breakthrough that lasts and is not aborted before it absolutely takes root.

As you pray for our household, please hold all of this in mind. We merely don’t really feel able to carrying all that we’re surrounded by and we need God’s grace and the help of his Church and our group to help us as we navigate. Our employees members arrive principally in August. Our dearest associates are miles away. And we can’t put our lives or work on maintain until things are simpler, because what in the event that they by no means are?

In the event you’ve read this far, thank you for not staying away from our ache. I’ll doubtless submit this in all of the places, turn autoresponder on for my emails, after which back away for a short while to nurse my big vulnerability hangover and marvel why I shared so much so broadly. But here’s the thing: if we can’t be trustworthy about our ache, how can we be trustworthy about our hope? If we can’t be trustworthy about our despair, how can we be trustworthy about our joy? The human heart is a paradox, we intrinsically know that. I recognize your understanding if I don’t respond a lot right now. I gained’t converse for Ryan, but though I’m sometimes the one with all of the words, I will say that he’s in immense ache too. He’s articulated it properly to me and I’m grateful these final a number of years have at the least taught us how you can use language to call our heartache. We’re on this collectively and all of our burdens (and joys) are shared. We’re devastated and hanging on to hope by a thread.

Lastly, I need to close with some thoughts about how God enters into our struggling. I spent years forming a ebook round this very factor and I nonetheless consider it to be true:

Our humanity is the very factor that retains us tethered to God. It’s our humanity—our lack, our pain, our weak spot, our recognition that the world incorporates injustice and tragedy and struggling, our want for a Rescuer, our longing for Eden and the restoration of all issues—that helps us to see our need for the Divine. In the present day, we can see that need so clearly. With all that’s gone improper, this potential to “see” is both a gift and an invitation. And that, my associates, is nothing however the grace of God that never quits loving and pursuing and increasing into our lives even at the hours of darkness when we wrestle and squint to see it. As I’ve written in Grace Like Scarlett, “The spectacle of heaven is that it’s birthed into low places… He never stops creating life out of dust.”

I still consider it, even when I can’t yet see it.

Or, maybe more precisely: I consider, Lord. Assist me in my unbelief.

The post Yes, another loss (And we are broken) appeared first on Techno Crats Blog.

[raylovesrp-blog]

Yes, another loss (And we are broken)

We’ve misplaced our baby.

I felt her kick for the first time on Wednesday night time around 1:00am once I couldn’t sleep. It had been a very tough day and feeling these first flutters of motion felt like slightly kiss from heaven. A number of hours later at 7:30am on Thursday morning I rushed off to a commonly scheduled exam at the start centre. They couldn’t find a heartbeat and a number of other rounds of ultrasounds confirmed she had handed away. It all occurred so fast and, honestly, I didn’t consider them at first. Did they not hear me? I felt her alive a couple of hours ago. I’m positive of it. Didn’t they hear me?

Final weekend for the primary time I bought a couple of maternity gadgets and a few baby woman clothes. All was progressing because it should and I assumed a (late) Mom’s Day purchasing journey was in order. With delight we had begun to let the truth sink in that we have been truly going to have a daughter that comes to full time period as we finish creating our household. (Yes, our scans a month ago showed the child was a woman, although we hadn’t shared that publicly but.) I feel like it’s all I’ve needed my entire life and this was my last probability. We felt so complete. So grateful. And not that it should matter, but this wasn’t a “surprise” child. This was a baby we longed for and prayed for and tried for over many long, tearful months of waiting and hoping and wondering if I used to be “too old” for the present of 1 final youngster. In fact we know an excessive amount of to imagine any stage of pregnancy is “safe,” but at almost half method by way of the being pregnant we had a deep sense of perception that this child would reside and thrive, and the whole lot up to now had confirmed that right.

So we’re surprised. Like—certainly this is all a mistake. Nevertheless it’s not. It’s actual and our child is lifeless. There’s no plainer or truer strategy to say it.

We’re taking the weekend to attempt to rest and I’ll be admitted next week to have an induction and hospital labor and supply—the best choice for this stage of being pregnant. The considered laboring a lifeless baby repulses me however it’s what it’s. I don’t anticipate I’ll need to speak about it any time soon, which is why I’m sharing all of this now. (Then again nobody actually knows what they’ll need in grief until they need it.) We feel like we want so much proper now, but don’t know what or how one can ask for it.

These previous couple of years have been brutal and we’ve grown battle weary. There’s not a big milestone in our lives in six years that wasn’t also marked with some kind of pain or struggling or deep sense of problem.

In the previous few months alone we’ve had our roof collapse, main hail injury on our automotive which has diminished its value and made it unsellable just before we have been going to trade it in for a larger one, then went hundreds of dollars into debt to repair the mechanics of that same automotive after it mysteriously had a string of unrelated things going fallacious with it out of the blue (our mechanic has warned us that we ought to be prepared for it to die past repair any day), we lost major financial help, had individuals reap the benefits of our generosity which sent us into more personal debt, had several others backflip on an array of various ministry-related commitments that they had made, had main appliances and costly electronics we depend upon for work all of the sudden breaking, and lots of other smaller (however nonetheless troublesome) things. These events in isolation are just a normal part of “life happens,” but once they are piled on prime of each other for months on end (and years on finish), you start to marvel for those who could be going crazy. Or if that is the worth we’re required to pay to proceed in vocational ministry. (Our first miscarriage occurred two days after deciding we would pioneer a brand new YWAM ministry in Sydney, and every single one since has correlated with a serious ministry determination we’ve made inside days of creating it.)

If it feels like we’re feeling sorry for ourselves, that’s right. We are. We’re uninterested in life being exhausting and we’re means beyond faking wonderful. We’ve acquired no time for platitudes and “God’s ways are higher than our ways” and “God is in control” one liners so please don’t throw any out-of-context Christian cliches at us, nevertheless nicely which means they is perhaps. As a lot as we can we’ve been placing one foot in entrance of the other, selecting to trust God, selecting to not be overcome. We’ve carried out this for years. But for a way lengthy? When do we get to wave the white flag? (Jesus, are you sleeping?)

By means of these notably troublesome months that appeared to return to a head early this yr, our baby has been the shining pleasure in the midst of our personal hardship and ministry pressures and financial-related stress. With getting pregnant and then having a miraculous inflow of employees be a part of the ministry we felt like issues have been perhaps turning a corner. And now this. Dropping this child seems like an excessive amount of. Can you break extra whenever you’re already damaged?

I’m not telling you all of this to make you are feeling sorry for us or to elicit pity (we have enough of our personal already), however simply to say that life might be so rattling exhausting typically (we’ve all been there—you too, little question). And it’s in these occasions things typically really feel like they hold getting worse. Not higher. So how do we cope when we’re walking round with already-tender hearts? What then once they appear on the verge of breaking utterly? Is this a desperate cry for assist? In fact it is. And but we’re not even positive of the precise help we need. The grief makes issues feel messier and louder and extra urgent than they could truly be. We know that.

Clearly we’re left surprised and completely heartbroken by dropping this baby. This really is the primary factor. The injustice of premature dying is so confronting. We’ve already been giving every part we should hold our heads above the surface and proceed to search for God’s goodness and apply gratitude for the various, many things going “right” in our lives. But we’re additionally tired. Uninterested in preventing and uninterested in what seems like dropping.

You could assume writing Grace Like Scarlett has made us “experts” in coping with grief. And in some ways, positive, we are nicely outfitted with a few of the instruments we need and to a point we have discovered how one can grasp on to hope when life feels hopeless. (That is the grace of God at work in ways unseen but by some means felt, enabling this miracle.) And sure, we sense the freedom we have to feel how we really feel and walk straight into our grief as greatest we understand how. However we definitely aren’t “experts.” Expertise or knowledge softens nothing. Pain is pain and grief is grief. It just hurts. If something we’re surrounded even more by the heartache of it all since messages land in my inbox every day from families looking for help or a listening ear after their very own loss and heartbreak. Some days it seems like our entire world revolves around ache—ours and others. We might have never seen this coming.

For many who know us personally, you understand that we’re additionally within the crucial period of making an attempt to recruit students to our first discipleship coaching faculty (DTS) starting in September at YWAM Sydney Newtown. The burden of communications and advertising to get college students is mine and now this. How can I hold doing my job? I’m alleged to be organizing a talking tour for a couple of weeks July and August to share the message of Grace Like Scarlett and help supply hope to people who are hurting, but how can I proceed once I’ve received so little left to offer? Perhaps this all seems unrelated however I assure you it’s not. Our lives are entire, built-in, complicated—simply as yours. So is that this another instance of the enemy of our soul using every means potential to derail what God has spoken? As a result of the one thing that appears constant in our lives just lately is that each time we step out in obedience to what we consider God has proven us we get hit. The timing is uncanny and in addition very complicated. It’s maddening.

Being blindsided once more with loss looks like an assault on so many levels: private and ministry and religious. Properly needs are high-quality, however the actuality is we want miracles on so many fronts—miracles that sustain. The miracle of grace to endure suffering is a method we sustain and I’m grateful for it. The miracle of God’s presence even whereas we’re at our lowest is another approach we sustain and we’re grateful for that too. But we also need the miracle of actual breakthrough—breakthrough that lasts and is not aborted before it absolutely takes root.

As you pray for our household, please hold all of this in mind. We merely don’t really feel able to carrying all that we’re surrounded by and we need God’s grace and the help of his Church and our group to help us as we navigate. Our employees members arrive principally in August. Our dearest associates are miles away. And we can’t put our lives or work on maintain until things are simpler, because what in the event that they by no means are?

In the event you’ve read this far, thank you for not staying away from our ache. I’ll doubtless submit this in all of the places, turn autoresponder on for my emails, after which back away for a short while to nurse my big vulnerability hangover and marvel why I shared so much so broadly. But here’s the thing: if we can’t be trustworthy about our ache, how can we be trustworthy about our hope? If we can’t be trustworthy about our despair, how can we be trustworthy about our joy? The human heart is a paradox, we intrinsically know that. I recognize your understanding if I don’t respond a lot right now. I gained’t converse for Ryan, but though I’m sometimes the one with all of the words, I will say that he’s in immense ache too. He’s articulated it properly to me and I’m grateful these final a number of years have at the least taught us how you can use language to call our heartache. We’re on this collectively and all of our burdens (and joys) are shared. We’re devastated and hanging on to hope by a thread.

Lastly, I need to close with some thoughts about how God enters into our struggling. I spent years forming a ebook round this very factor and I nonetheless consider it to be true:

Our humanity is the very factor that retains us tethered to God. It’s our humanity—our lack, our pain, our weak spot, our recognition that the world incorporates injustice and tragedy and struggling, our want for a Rescuer, our longing for Eden and the restoration of all issues—that helps us to see our need for the Divine. In the present day, we can see that need so clearly. With all that’s gone improper, this potential to “see” is both a gift and an invitation. And that, my associates, is nothing however the grace of God that never quits loving and pursuing and increasing into our lives even at the hours of darkness when we wrestle and squint to see it. As I’ve written in Grace Like Scarlett, “The spectacle of heaven is that it’s birthed into low places… He never stops creating life out of dust.”

I still consider it, even when I can’t yet see it.

Or, maybe more precisely: I consider, Lord. Assist me in my unbelief.

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