#but itll be hard to manage getting the texture right

[whoreishghost]

i am like Not able to eat basically at all rn and this has beem ongoing for like 3-4 ish weeks now. in the first 2 weeks i cld eat a bit more but still like rlly way way too little and when i had my adhd review i was pretty surprised i had acc gained a bit of weight so i just sort of brushed off the not eating as me misremembering how much ive eaten. but now i like, am basically on a liquid only diet (and i cant drink anything thicker ? ig than like a diet coke bc that also makes me feel sick, tried having a milkshake at one point and i felt soooooo bad) bc 1 i like just dont get hungry at all, and 2 even if i feel ig the closest thing to describe wld be peckish (like im craving a specific flavour or texture) by the time i start eating it i rlly rlly do not want to be and its like, u know when ur so full its like hard to chew and u just want to spit the food out? like that. ive been trying very hard to like force myself thru this by like letting myself eat and buy whatever food i want at literally any time of day bc while it is expensive ive lost kind of a lot of weight v quickly (tw ed: this is about as much as id lose in a month whilst restricting v heavily in just under than 2 weeks). its worked to a degree but honestly im mostly just wasting food and honestly money, and whenever i do manage to eat a bit, itll be like 1 small size serving of poke (currently the only food that has been tolerated even slightly, ig maybe bc it has a "fresh" flavour? idk) eaten over the course or 5-6 hours bc i cldnt eat it faster than that which even then was not rlly tolerated bc i felt fucking disgusting physically, and then basically anything else (eg a genuinely really nice tasting stew my wife made, a mozzarella and avocado sandwich, just an avocado w salt, pasta, etc) makes me so nauseous and uncomfortable that i have to go force myself to throw up right after ive eaten to not literally be in hell for like 8-9 hours (i have an extremely low tolerance for managing nausea and the amazing ability to basically never throw up ever by myself hence the "forcing myself" which yes bad but also i refuse to be regurgitating and getting acid reflux whilst in pain for that whole day because i tried to eat smthn). i originally thought it was probably psychological bc ive been doing v v badly and to a degree it is (i cba to cook or eat rlly) but even when i have the food to eat i cant do it then either? idrk what to do, i have brought it up to drs multiple times who just tell me its poor mental health management and imply i need to ig "try harder". theres also the fact that it is v triggering for my disordered eating brain bc i am unintentionally restricting a lot and i am losing a lot of weight and its been v difficult not to just spiral down that sort of thought process into just not eating at all. feeling kind of like this is either gna randomly stop at some point and itll just be a confusing period of my life or im going to get v v unwell without support and be blamed for it

[musherum]

i can stay alive long enough to make the mushroom soup ive been wanting to make. i can do that, at least

[boybandsim]

leafeana replied to your post: 

WAIT i was just scrolling through your blog cause im hungry for content and saw this again and realized you asked what version i was playing? which i dont remember answering whoops

im playing it on pc! which is great bc then i get to mess around with mods (like the one that gives cindy some real clothing lol) but its also got its downsides since my computer is definitely not a gaming computer, which means graphics take a serious hit and lagging isnt uncommon

im...not sure if its royal edition?? I think windows edition has all the features of royal edition, although im not completely sure. I think luna has a cutscene in Insomnia thats only in royal edition, so once im there ill be able to tell. technically im in Insomnia now but ive time traveled back and it might be a while before i push on to the finale. after dealing with Altissia --> the start of Insomnia linearly i wanted some time to chill with the bros and pretend

everything is fine for a while. it has been a WILD ride for sure and yeah I haven't even started up any of the dlc yet! theres so much content!! ive been practicing playing as the other bros during medium-hard combat which has kept it feeling really fresh too. also its hilarious just blasting bad guys with a bazooka while the other people are in there swinging around swords and knives. and i haven't done any of the crossover quests yet, which seem big and exciting!

ill be forever sad that i missed the assassins festival but theres definitely plenty to do that I'm excited for. and im getting really into the fishing!! charmed is definitely the right word like..its not perfect at all but this game is so genuinely endearing with its characters personalites and development and its themes and music as well and it really does some things SO well.

god okay this is a lot of words. sorry for rambling and for the late reply! no one i know plays this game or has much interest in it so youre getting all my bottled up enthusiasm

PLEASE DO NOT EVER APOLOGISE FOR RAMBLING SEND ME AS MUCH AS I LOVE WORDS AND THOUGHTS AND TALKING ABOUT FFXV DUDE <3333 also literally no worries about late replies or replying at all im forever shit at them myself i get it bro nw nw nw

hell yeah pc is royal edition with a bunch of other shit and the dlcs (bar ardyn) incorporated, dont worry, also i would die for that one cindy in a decent outfit mod i know the exact one youre on about LOL (also i can recommend you some other mods if u like!!)

if i can share some knowledge with you right quick cuz i had the same problem and wouldve died to have someone tell me i went from barely 20fps on a good day to being able to run multiple programs with ffxv in the background; specialk is a very quick install and majorly helped with multithreading; otherwise for the in game options are using low resolution texture pack (assets option); shadows look near visually identical on the lowest option compared to the highest; all nvidia effects can be turned off with no significant graphic change; turning off anti aliasing entirely genuinely makes the game look better for me; i can post my full settings if itll help you and ive also read through a few tutorials for modding around lag so i can try and help you with that, i do get pretty major lag spikes though and frequently find it near impossible to stream/record, but i manage to nail that 60fps on average if im solely running ffxv with a few cut corners like those

also dont blame you with altissia, ngl i boiled through the story rollercoaster right quick after exploring most of the open world before even touching altissia and ended up ignoring all postgame content for starting a new save immediately and replaying just to get that hangout time in the open world that wasnt just go-back-in-time-through-magic-dog. but i feel you so hard dude i just want more of them chilling. literally i have 300 hours in this game already and i know half of those have been using the car listening to tunes LMFAO

yeah the crossover quests are funnn the one with terra wars is sweet and the ffxiv one is SO funny its literally hysterical i was roaring with laughter a couple times!!! and good on you practising i didnt touch any of the extended combat until my third save and yeah honestly if you want to do the postgame menaces those skillsll come in useful, its funny because the maingame bosses arent that hard but the postgame is mental. but yeah i love blowing shit up with proms bazooka it fucking rules nerds can keep their swords

ALSO SAME... i wanna play the promptis date so bad!! i wanna play episode duscae so bad!!! wanna play the platinum demo with baby noctis so bad!! knowing theyll never be ported kills meeeeee. sad & upset but as you say theres so much to do and the dlc honestly offer so much im still finding shit i havent done and ive spent a year playing already

honestly so much of this game for me is literally just booting it to go hang with the guys its really relaxing lmfaooo... hiking around with these goofy dudes. sometimes i just wanna chill with the anime boys. YEAH literally its sweet and charming and then fucking heartbreaking and even though the writing is hammy as hell im honestly so willing to forgive it. not only for the clear amount of care and love that went into specifically building the guys relationship (which anyone knows is the best and most realised part of the game) but the details and amount of lore you can uncover if you take a step and interpret a little. maybe thats too generous a statement for what was an executive nightmare and critically underdeveloped but i grew up on ffxiii and knowing the versus 13 lore and that ffxv was part of that extended canon im satisfied with it being another side to that story and running with that. i think supplemented with its additional content years after release ffxv isnt a complete experience but enough of one to leave an impact or at least it did majorly for me! ive been obsessed.

OMG sorry im nerding too its all good lol just genuinely i love this game and its hard to find people talking about it these days but i really had such a good time and still am continuing to and i love it fuck it ball hard

real shit though it has the best fishing minigame of all time hands down nothing has come close fuck the haters

[vincent-frankenstein]

different anon, but heck yeah u should definitely infodump about lucid dreaming!! im really interested in it

aaaaa okay !!! uh hold onto ur ears yall im abt to talk em off lmao

so !! if u didnt know, lucid dreaming is basically when you become aware that you’re dreaming while youre in a dream. once you’re aware, you can take control of the dream in literally any way u want — u can do anything, go anywhere, meet anyone, all with the knowledge that nothing can hurt u and nothing can stop u

its a fascinating concept and, the feeling when u actually become lucid for the first time? its better than anything else in the world. its the most invigorating thing u can ever feel, i think. but actually becoming lucid is, ,, , , hm. a time and a half. 

putting the rest under a cut bc, hooooo boy this is gonna get long

first things first! you absolutely have to keep a dream journal. forgetting ur dreams is all well and good when ur not trying to accomplish anything in them, but if you become lucid and then wake up with only the vaguest memory of what you actually did? thats painful.

u can either go all out and get a fancy journal and write them down physically each morning, or u can do what i do and just download an app. i personally use the app Dream Catcher, which lets u tag ur dreams for easy organization. just get in the habit of writing down your dreams every morning, and if you really, really cant remember anything, just write down that you didnt dream anything that day. you’ll train your brain to remember your dreams better

secondly! reality checks! are absolutely imperative! the idea behind them is that, if you do something throughout the day that “proves” your reality, eventually you’ll start doing it in your dreams as well. for example, a common thing in my dreams is that i’ll have extra fingers, so i check my hands a lot throughout the day. 

it can’t just be a casual thing, too. if all you do is glance at your hands and b like “yo looks normal, we gucci”, then you’ll do the same in your dreams even if you have Weird hands. trust me, Dream-You is an idiot, you gotta be obvious with this stuff. take a few moments, look at your hands, count out your fingers, and really think to yourself “am i dreaming?”

try to get in the habit of doing that at least 15 times a day, and eventually you’ll start doing it in your dreams too. 

now, if you just stick with doing those two things — which is what i’m doing right now — your chances of becoming lucid will raise astronomically. even just those two tiny things can train your brain into realizing when the world around you is real and when it isnt. you can also attempt something really easy called a MILD — a mnemonic-induced-lucid-dream — which can help your chances even more without upping the effort 

whenever you go to bed, just take a few moments — even just five minutes can help — and just. lay there. and think to urself, again and again “the next scene will be a dream” or “i will become lucid in my dreams tonight” or something similar. get ur brain really focused on lucid dreaming right before you fall asleep and chances are, those Vibes will bleed over into ur dreams and you’ll become lucid

practice those three things consistently, every day, and pretty soon you’ll start becoming lucid. it takes time, though! dont be discouraged if you end up not becoming lucid for the first few weeks, or even months. sometimes your brain just needs a bit of extra training

that’s what ive been doing for the past year or so — bc damn do i Not have the energy to actually put in too much effort — but!!! there are other techniques!!

my personal favorite is the WBTB, or wake-back-to-bed method. with this technique, you set your alarm for roughly 5-6 hours after you go to sleep so you’ll wake up inside of one of your REM cycles, specifically one where your dreams will be the most vivid. dont do anything, just roll over and go right back to sleep. 

you can even use a MILD along with this, repeat whatever mantra u usually use as you fall back asleep. you should start to see hypnagogic imagery — blobs of color and vague shapes floating before your eyes. just observe them. at one point, they’ll start forming more familiar shapes, and places, and maybe even people — and there should be a moment, a snap, where you go from observing these images to actually being in the scene. you literally build the dream around yourself, its magical

i have read that WBTB can cause sleep paralysis, but i’ve never personally experienced any problems with it, aside from the fact that im always tired the next day.

another thing that could severely increase your chances of being lucid but also involves Effort — meditation. specifically mindfulness meditation. the act of bringing full awareness to your Existence, honing in on just Your body, Your mind, Your breath, will make you a more aware, mindful person, which in turn makes you more perceptive of dream signs. also, the ability to clear your mind and center yourself with a moment’s notice really comes in handy when the dream becomes destabilized and you have to take control

if ur an adhd lad like me — or neurodivergent in any way, really — the idea of meditation can be,,,, terrifying. honestly, i havent meditated in like six months now, because it really wasnt?? doing anything for me?? mostly because im absolutely incapable of sitting still for that long without Something to stimulate me

so! loophole! guided meditations. having someone else guide you through the process can make it a bit easier to focus. just find one that works for u on youtube. there are even guided meditations made specifically to prime ur brain for lucid dreaming!

so thats how you get lucid. now for when youre lucid

at first, lucid dreaming is going to be extremely hard. dreams fall apart very easily — if you get too overexcited or if a dream-character looks at you the wrong way or if you cant seem to do what you want to do, your lucidity can fade and you’ll either go back to being your normal dream self or you’ll wake up. dreams are volatile and hard to control, and even harder to master

thats where meditation comes in handy. youll have a much easier time controlling your dreams if you can look at the world around you, take a breath, center yourself, and know that you can control it. that being said, you can absolutely learn to take control without ever having meditated a day in your life. its all about your mindset!

you have to go into it with confidence. the key to controlling your dreams is knowing that they’re your dreams. you cant forget that you’re in control. thats why i feel like learning to lucid dream doubles as a lesson in self-confidence — you have to learn to trust yourself, trust that you can handle any scenario thrown at you and come out on top.

if you can achieve this mindset, you can literally do anything. ive had maybe 50 lucid dreams since i started learning about them — which… is honestly a really low amount, but. i havent really had the time/energy to really throw myself into it  as much as i want to. but just in those dreams, ive flown, ive shapeshifted, ive met my sides, ive teleported to vast, gorgeous lands and seen some of the most beautiful things ive ever seen. anything is possible in a lucid dream; thats why its so worth it to put in the effort

but when youre first starting out, itll be extremely hard to maintain that mindset. like i said, Dream-you is dumb as shit — you’ll forget youre dreaming, you’ll be unable to control anything, you’ll wake up before you manage to accomplish anything. more often than not, the dream will destabilize, which is Not Fun

if the dream starts to destabilize — basically, if things start going fuzzy or vague, if you suddenly cant see, if you can feel ur body in bed, basically anything that points towards you waking up — there are ways to fix it. literally just spinning around helps for some reason? spin around, fall down, run ur hands along anything u can find and feel the texture, or just demand that the dream stabilize itself. most of the time, thatll work

and if it doesnt, dont be discouraged. theres always another night to dream

so basically: start a dream journal, do reality checks, mmmmaybe meditate if youre up for it, and your dreams will become like. at least 10x more interesting. trust me, try flying: its literally the best feeling in the entire world

its just !!! such a huge, incredible thing, and its so fascinating to learn about too. all the different ways you can train your brain, all the different things you can do, all the studies done on the subject. i suggest reading about Steven LaBerge or keith hearne. hearne led the study that proved lucid dreaming existed in the first place! he got a lucid dreamer to signal to him that he was conscious while asleep using REM (rapid-eye movement), because lucid dreaming happens during the REM state. also, robert waggoner’s book Gateway to the Inner Self is really fascinating too!

hm wow i really went ham here lmao

thanku for giving me a chance to infodump im very happy rn

[landoftheoutsiders]

Day 12: Full of Emotions and I Don’t Know How to Handle It

Today started off shitty, and my catstrophizing ass brain thought that the whole day was going to be shitty, but it turned out to be a really nice night and I’m glad it did. Work drama is a thing, but its fine. My store is a tight knit family. I also may have found somewhere else to live, and I actually did something in my free time that was productive. What is happening here? Is Rian actually turning her life around? Tune in to tonight’s episode of, Watch This Idiot Try to Become an Adult!!!!      This morning. God. This morning. This morning should have been illegal. I’m trying to get my shit together by doing more for the store and being early to work so I can get my promotion and become a key holder, right? Well, I’ve been doing really well at that. I’ve been getting to work about 5 minutes early every day, and I’ve been taking initiative on more things that I normally wouldn’t. This morning fucked ALL OF THAT up. I was a little over an hour late. Yep. Totally getting that promotion. I was doing so well guys. Cat yelled at me a little bit, and then Science and I talked about it. We're all good. Cat wanted me to be at work at 10:10, Science wants me to be there at 10. I’ll just start getting there at 10 and do nothing for 15 minutes until I’m allowed to clock in. Sounds like a plan I guess.       After I calmed down from being so late and feeling like the world’s biggest fuck up, Science and I talked more about this morning and I told him why I felt so bad earlier. Cat is being watched like a hawk by upper management. No one really thought that she could do the job, but she’s totally capable. Our fearless leader (operations manager) has been keeping Science in the store more so he can keep an eye on things I guess to make sure that Cat doesn’t give me special treatment? I don’t know. Again, we’re a close knit family, so no one is going to fuck with us. Especially because a manager from another store is bringing up things in the managers meeting specifically calling out our store on things that she has no business in having her nose in. She's a snake if I’ve ever seen one. Long story short, Cat is under a microscope, as is our store, so I felt like I let everyone down this morning when I was late. I wasn’t scared I was going to lose my job or anything, I just felt awful because I knew that it was going to make Cat look bad. I’m sorry, universe, that I am not quite a fully functioning adult yet. I’m working on it.       I just couldn’t go to sleep last night for the life of me. It was 5 in the morning (should have just gone with my original idea of staying up and curling my hair) and my brain was wanting to know what eyelash textures did better with getting curled, and how to curl mine better. Like.. what the fuck brain, okay. Way to be productive at all the wrong hours. Later on in the shift it was nice though because I got to see Gemelli and Puzzle (another friend from treatment). They stopped by to say hey. Gemelli was very concerning, but honestly, at this point, I don’t know what to say or do. I just want her to make it in life and for her to live past 21. Maybe then she'll realize that life is somewhat worth living.       After work, Cat, Science, Tree, and I went to go ice skating. Honestly, the highlight of my night. Cat and I would go skating all the time when we were younger--her more than me. That was our thing though. We’d go play tennis and go skate. Now I want a pair of skates for my birthday. We can go skate once a week! It can maybe help us get closer again. We aren’t as close as we used to be. When her dad was killed, she put up a ton of walls (rightfully so) and hardly lets anyone in. Sometimes I wonder if we’re friends still because of the history or if its because she really still wants me in her life. I just miss my best friend and I want us to be like we were when we were kids, but its hard to compete with Science. I don’t know. Maybe I’m also not as communicative with her as I could be. Regardless of what the situation may be, I hope that skating with her will bring us closer together. Also, when I have a shitty day, the cold combined with a low energy exercise is a good blend to get that serotonin pumping. It really lifted my spirits. More than I thought it would.       Once we were done, Science and Cat went back to the store and Tree and I went to go get Waffle House. We had our normal meals, played buzzed quizzes, and just hung out since we haven’t seen each other live and in the flesh in a hot minute. We don’t get to see each other at treatment anymore, so it sucks. Its amazing what one meet up a week can do for a person

Anyways, Crashy is done with his game and if I don’t stop typing then he's going to start another game, and itll be 2 am before I get to see him. So, I’ll catch y'all next time.  -- Rian Dianna

[newssplashy]

The space has shared desks, cheekily named conference rooms and freebies galore. Some 290 employees work here, and here are nine we “liked.”

NEW YORK — Instagram has a sunny new home in New York City.

The social media giant now has its own floor at 770 Broadway, where its corporate parent Facebook also has offices, on other floors in the building.

The space has shared desks, cheekily named conference rooms and freebies galore. Some 290 employees work here, and here are nine we “liked.”

ROBERT HICKERSON Age: 27

Occupation: Curator

You look like you’re dressed for a day at a hipster beach. Today, it’s like camp counselor who also works at a burger joint. A little “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” Season 6 meets thrift.

Your T-shirt says, “Men Have Made a Lot of Bad Art.” Please explain. I found this T-shirt on Instagram. It was on the publication Women Artists.

I would call the color of your shoes faded coral. They’re a little dingy but they’re just Reeboks I picked up. I really like a fleshy pink. I hide my socks.

You’re loud and proud with yours. It’s all or nothing. It’s either tube socks or those ballerina socks.

You can curate me anytime. Oh my God, thank you.

ALLY KELLER Age: 24

Occupation: Product design intern

How long have you been an intern? This is my second day.

Let’s start with your jacket. I picked this up two weeks ago in Miami at Pinko. I love it because it’s eclectic but still a little New York and structural. The jeans are Levis vintage.

Is that a pajama top? My friend who is a stylist at Moda Operandi took me to Uniqlo and said, “Pajamas are the new thing.”

Cool sneakers. This is a tribute to my mom from the ‘90s, because my dad used to work at Nike in Portland.

EMEKA OKAFORAge: 27

Occupation: Product manager

You’re wearing Aimé. Love it. The texture is brilliant. I saw it browsing through the Ssense website, and it reminded me of 1970s. I like the throwback sports sweater.

And you do black jeans. These are Hugo Boss, Delaware fit slim jeans. They’re the only ones that really fit me at 6-foot-7.

And Common Projects. These are the derbys. I like this, the minimalist branding.

Everyone imitates them. Tell me about your bracelets. These are my seven chakras. A friend of mine who knows that I meditate a lot got me this, to remind me to keep everything in balance.

And how’s that going? It’s hard when you work 75 hours a week.

KEVIN SYSTROM Age: 34

Occupation: A founder and chief executive

You’re one of the more conservatively dressed people here. I grew up on the East Coast, in Boston, and I went to private school and I think that always stuck with me. I like wearing collared shirts and being a bit more preppy.

What are your shoes? Margiela. The fact that I even could say that puts me above most chief executives.

Is your shirt custom made? It is. I’m 6-foot-5. And nothing fits me. I learned about this company Hamilton. It’s a secret I want to tell everyone about. I found the perfect fit, and now I just go online and say, “I want that pattern” and then they show up.

Your watch — it’s Swiss. Is Mondaine Swiss? I have two of these: one red and one in black. And then I found out you could just swap the bands. I doubled down.

You have too much money. No, that’s not true. I like the simplicity of it, and it’s not an over-the-top watch.

ANGELICA ESCARENO Age: 27

Occupation: Technical program manager in machine learning

What do you post on Instagram? Mostly random cute things I find.

You see the world through rose-colored glasses. I do. I really embraced the glasses game once I realized I was going to have to wear them for my whole life. These are Anne & Valentin. They do really interesting acetates and textures.

And then a sleeveless jumpsuit. Most important part. I like sitting cross-legged. Can’t do that with a dress, so the jumpsuit is key.

VIRGINIA NAMAge: 32

Occupation: Fashion partnerships

Cool dress. It’s Jacquemus from a few seasons ago. I liked the ruching. It looks hard to wear, but it’s actually easy.

Is it a play on a baby doll dress? That did not come to mind, but I can see how it has that vibe. I thought of an apron. For some reason I was drawn to that even though I hate cooking.

Do you always wear something underneath it? Because it shows too much, I always wear it with a T-shirt. Today I went with a sweatshirt. This is from Everlane. It’s part of their 100% Human line.

What’s on your phone case? It’s the Kimoji crying face. It’s from her line. I’m obsessed with her. I think she’s so smart.

FARHAN AHMED Age: 35

Occupation: Technical program manager

You’re dressed more adult than many of the people here. That comes with a little bit of age.

Which brands do you really like? For my shirts I like Brooks Brothers. Pants are Bonobos.

The trousers are very preppy. Nantucket red. I like the color. It’s the summertime.

How many different pairs of pants are in your wardrobe? The ones that fit — seven or eight. There’s quite a lot more at the bottom of my wardrobe.

Are those too big or too small? A little too small. You’ve seen the gelato bar and all the food around here, right?

SAMIR MODY Age: 27

Occupation: iOS software engineer

You don’t look like the engineers on “Silicon Valley,” the HBO show. I hope that’s a compliment.

It is. You don’t look schlubby. My mom would not approve of that.

Your pants are nicely fitted. It took me a while to find pants that fit me well. These are Rag & Bone.

Where is your chunky sweater from? Saturdays.

Are you a surfer? How do you get your fix here? I go to Rockaway and I go to Montauk on the weekends.

KITTY BROMHEAD Age: 36

Occupation: Culture lead

I like how your blouse is tied. I stole this shirt from my husband’s cupboard because I’m eight months pregnant so I’m hiding my baby.

New Gucci or old Gucci? It’s this season.

Your husband sounds fancy. He definitely likes his clothes.

Can we talk about your jewelry? I’m wearing jewelry by Karen Walker. I have a ton on from Dirty Hands in Williamsburg and also a Pamela Love cuff.

Those boots are like space boots. They’re Alexander Wang. I love these boots. They dress up anything.

This article originally appeared in The New York Times.

JOHN ORTVED © 2018 The New York Times

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