#but ive also had the issue of ive not been diagnosed properly with things i do have as well as the main neurodivergence but

[weareweirdpeople]

I keep getting allianated because I don't fit in, even in the neurodivergent sense.

I just realized that one the reasons I've kept getting made fun of in groups for my whole life pretty much is that I am more "visibly autistic" then people feel comfortable with. That and my wild trauma and lack of ability for socialize with kids my age.

Ive been told by my autistic friend that I have the "autism accent", I "speak like a 5 year old". My autistic friend saw me stiming because I ate spicy food and really liked it and asked if I had never had spices before and made it about me being white. (I am not even fully white tho like kdmdndweree but anyways) and she made me feel weird about it.

Im not good at reading tone. Im not good at telling sarcasm. I'm not good at socializing as a whole. Even while in a group where everyone was neurodivergent of some sort (2 people with adhd and a different autistic friend who will be referred to as S) They still made me feel weird.

They chose to wait till some of the last days of school to tell me how annoying they thought I was, that they shouldn't have heard S out on me entering the group. Theat they made fun of how I speak. That im just plain weird. One of them kept implying that they never stopped making fun of me and no on disagreed. They would tell me not to call myself autistic because I hadn't be diagnosed even though that's barley an option for me and they know it, but they had no issue with criticizing how I interact socially. Telling me I need to introduce them to my new friends so they can tell me if they are good people or not.

My other friend compares me to a 5 year old or an animal a lot. I constantly feel like a bad person for showing any not situational "appropriate traits" but I don't know how to not show them. I have spent my whole life being unable to socialize properly. Until 5ht grade did I have a friend who didn't constantly tell me how weird I was. Who treated me like a person and not an entertainment accessory.

My ex just straight up sexualized my "cute and innocent" traits and told me to get rid of my "bad traits". He never wanted me to be near him in school. He never wanted me near his friends. He wanted me to be a secret for him. He didn't like being near me unless we were alone or it was a sexual conversation. He constantly treated me like this naive stupid little thing. Everyone treats me like a naive stupid little thing.

I get pissed off at offensive shti and social injustice. My friends call me sheltered and soft and sensitive. I'm not sheltered. I didn't get the opportunity of being sheltered. I just don't find racist jokes funny at all. I just don't find using slurs you can't reclaim funny at all. I just don't find shit that everyone can't laugh at funny. Its only funny to me if everyone can laugh at it and enjoy it. I aparently don't understand how jokes work. Maybe thats because the only "jokes" I know in my very neurodivergent family involve word play or spontaneous bullshit.

The jokes I learned at school involve me being the joke. The joke is how weird I am. People like them so sometimes I lean into them a little. I don't comment on if it actually does make me feel bad. But then they don't like it. Then they say I'm weird and uncomfortable to be near.

They tell me I need to be super understanding and Empathetic if someone shares something serious with me. I need to emphasize their feelings and make them feel better. But then the 2 times I actually needed support both times I was told "ehh, I've heard worse." "Its not that bad." "Yeah but you probably weren't bullied as bad as we were".

I can kinda understand the last comment given the context. 2 of the friends, including S were talking about bullying we've felt with. S is physically disabled and autistic and the other friend is also physically disabled and fat. I am also physically disabled but its invisible. I am also autistic. I can understand them assuming that I didn't deal with much.

It just doesn't feel good when thats every time I have a problem. Its always "well it probably wasn't to bad, your sheltered".

They made jokes about their trauma to and infront of me despite me not knowing them too well, so I did the same. But im bad when I do it. I'm too blunt. I'm weird. My trauma is weird. Its weird to even mention that stuff.

Im weird or something that needs to be contained if I stim. Im weir dand bad if I don't understand social cues and context. Im weird and stupid for having reading issues. Im dumb for not understanding "normal things" sometimes. I mean as they straight up called me stupid and dumb to my face.

I struggle with changes in my plan. I keep crying more often over things that shouldn't be cried over. Sometimes I stim when im really upset at home and my dad used to get upset at me for not controlling myself. Maybe I used to have autistic meltdowns at school, I don't even know. I already had so much trauma and everyone at that school scapegoated me anyways. I used to crawl under tables and scream or yell when I got upset and overwhelmed but maybe that was trauma. I don't know.

My family thought my male cousin was autistic. Not me though. It couldn't be me with weird speaking patterns who had to be put in speech therapy as a toddler because my mom was the only one who could understand even 50% of what I said. Not me who has constantly held better conversation with random adults than kids my own age.

Not me whos been a very very picky eater my whole life. Not me whos always been sensitive to loud sounds and a few textures. Not me who can't sit still or focus for the life of my but can tell you everything I know about teenage mutant ninja turtles non-stop sense I was 4. Not me, because im just a weird traumatized girl who's just sooo smart and needs to be challenged more. Only recently has the fact that I either need glasses or might by dyslexic had come up.

This isn't even on tract with the original point but qhat im trying to say is that there have been so many ignored signs of me being autistic because of me being a "girl" and even with other autistic people I get alienated for having said traits.

One of my friends told me that one of the reasons people dont like me if because I act "quirky". Well fucking excuse me. These same people are like "we understand people who joke around to cope with their issues" until its me. My bad. I didn't know everything applied to people other than me. My mistake.

I'll just let you keep calling and treating me like a fucking dog while shutting up about the fact that you randomly punch me as a greeting from behind with no apology or care for if it hurts or not. Ill just shut up until you tell me at the end of the year that im STILL ANNOYING APARENTLY, EVEN THOUGH IVE TRIED MY BEST TO FOLLOW YOUR RULES ON HOW I SHOULD BEHAVE. MY BAD FOR SAYING IM AUTSIC WITHOUT A DIAGNOSIS. ITS NOT LIKE MULTIPLE OF MY TEACHERS, THE SCHOOL PSYCOLOGIST, MY PARENTS, AND MY THERAPIST ALL SAY THERES AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE OF AUTSIM. MY BAD FOR EVER HAVING EMOTIONS ABOUT SOCIAL JUSTICE OR POLITICS THAT AFFECT ME AND MY LOVED ONES.

But its fine for you to fake claim people. Its fine for you, a trans person to make rules about who is trans or not. Its fine for you to make me really uncomfortable with that type of shit and for me not to say anything for your comfort. "You need to learn to just go with something you don't like and not say your opinion" I do that. I do that every single fucking day.

Its just that even with all the energy I have to put into trying to be normal, to focus on my work, to shut up so my friends can at least get their work done, to even with a modified schedule struggle to have my shit together, I STILL CANT FULLY PASS AS ALLISTIC. I DONT EVEN PASS FOR NEUROTYPICAL. EXCUSE ME FOR NOT WANTING TO DO THE PLEDGE OF FUCKING ALLIGENCE, AND THEN CALLING OUT THE TEACHER ON THE FACT THAT SHE CANT FORCE ME TO DO THGMAT WHEN SHE TRIED TO MAKE MW RE DO IT.

I guess I can't ever have opinions near people. Or be myself around people. Or be myself fully at home. Or talk about the things I like freely. Or exist without constantly having to put in effort to try to fit in even a little. Screw me for being born I guess. I'll try harder next time to make you more comfortable I fucking guess???

I don't know how to fit in and even around other autistic people I'm a freak.

It really hurts.

[thechronicpaingame]

Saw my rheumatologist today (just 2 years late) 🙃 went as about expected. I have no idea why after all these years they still look out for joint involvement when I've never had joint issues. Even in my big old flares Ive never had joint involvement. The current swelling (right above my knee) is consistent with my flares however. She said she could feel a bursa there but no proper fluid.

Being referred to cardio for potential POTS (I knew this already but be nice to have it properly diagnosed even tho I can't take beta blockers because I have asthma so like, what else is there).

She thinks I'm having vertigo episodes, so to an ENT also. (I still think this could be a POTS thing maybe).

Bloods done, but I don't predict anything showing up (par for the course huh).

Blamed a lot on my fibro (but my fibro differs to what others experience of it is, I think it's likely more like ME). But whatever it is, something is progressively getting worse (and these things aren't degenerative so like, what is it).

She's concerned about the weight loss (over 2 stone in the last 6-12 months for no reason 🤷🏻‍♀️). Haven't been this low weight numbers wise since like 2013.

Can't believe I'm like 15 years into this and there's still no real answers to any questions. (I've had poor health since being a kid, many polyarteritis nodosa flares) but the chronic every day stuff is 15 years. Overdue a big one.

I try to stay as positive as I can but on days like today it's hard.

[puppyie-innit]

about me :0

pinky promises are the ultimate form of trust for me

i wholeheartedly 1000000% believe m a child

i rarely ever can properly answer the question “how old are you?” “yur ___ yeh?” like i dunnoooo

i hate, with all my heart, disappointin people/makin em mad ;<

i am so young, my mind an heart is too. “you think like a kid!,” is the best compliment you can give me

i don’t think like the rest of the world, my mind is filled with innocence an therefore i am innocent.

I don’t understand the word “ love,” but i feel it in my own wholesome way.

im opposed to profanity, unhealthy romance, sexual stuff, an curse words, it triggers in me a dark kind of trauma

my heart is full of love, love to give, but i don’t believe i deserve it in return…

my favwrite color is RED!

if i like you, i WILL hug you!

if i love you, i will hug you even MORE, follow you everywhere, jump up and down, an wag my tail around you!!

i never understood the reason behind hygiene, so be prepared for lots of dirt, hehe :D

..ive never had or taken a baf before

if you want to make me happy, call me a good girl/puppy/kid

if i trust you, ill open up my heart around you. ill let you see the bad parts of me that i never let anyone get ahold of.

..i don’t think i deserve anythin good, but ill cling onto every good thing you hav to offer

oh yeh, m very clingy to

..an i get jealous easily

an i say m positive but m actually a rlly negative person…

i hold onto things that bother me, an don’t let em go

I don’t forget anythin.

i forgiv easily!

i look for the good in people, regardless if they hurt me or not

people say m loyal, i try my best to make it true

i hav clinical depression an anxiety, to the point where i wanna giv up often…

m a hard worker, an only take breaks when all my work is done, it doesn’t feel right otherwise

if i see you more than once a day i feel off, why would i deserve to see you more than one time?

i physically, genuinely, can’t say the t-word

i am naturally a ler, my bwain is a lee. >\\\<

i am NOT t-wordish at all defintwly not nupe!

..except when it comes to this idiot @jogabsha @jogabsha2

i hav diagnosed autism, specifically azbergers

oh yeh, i also can’t spell…

sugar gets me HYPER

i rarely get sleep due to insomnia, but i rest sometimes

i believe m fat despite people telling me m skinny an thin an the “perfect weight.”

i struggle to eat, often only consumin 1-2 small meals a day.

i study the calories of everythin

my love language is physical touch, i will love you if you love me like this

i hav abandonment issues an hav lost many frens, mostly due to bullyin

i over-apologize for stuff that isn’t even my fault, profusely

m a sad person but also a happy person? it depends on if m slipped or not.. which is usually all the time. i sad slip tho too

m VERYYY sensitive, an wear my heart on my sleeve

i get panic attacks frequently

i cry a lot, an hav heavy eye bags

ive been told m a open book an very transparent

my favorite youtuber is tommyinnit, hence the username

i will do anythin an everythin for my big bruder!

[fagcrisis]

tell me if this is stupid im just thinking out loud but i kind of feel like recently like i have. less adhd than people who dont have adhd? like. ive had adhd all my life i was diagnosed as a kid i took meds i know i got it from my dad. this does also mean that ive learned how to handle it properly and its definitely incredibly debilitating in a lot of aspects, for example i have severe memory issues, and i struggle with menial tasks and emotional regulation. this is a genuinely disabling mental issue in my life, that made it impossible for me to pursue higher education or find a well paying job even before i had post covid syndrome

HOWEVER. like the actual attention deficit part? i know a ton of ppl who arent like. diagnosed w adhd nor have they self diagnosed bc they dont exhibit many of the symptoms but they cant read books (self reported i havent like, divined this fact from the ether), they struggle to pay attention at school or work and they take out their phones in the middle of conversation way more often than i do

and also peoples reports online about their own lack of attention also differs from the way i experience it? this bit is harder to explain but i dont really jitter and my attention doesnt wander, its more like i have 7 things i want to do at once and i cant stop the urge to switch between them constantly. also a way bigger issue in my life is that i frequently fixate on things for hours at a time and cannot be arsed to care about anything else

ive definitely read things about how adhd probably should not be called that but its been more. obvious isnt the right word like, apparent? to me recently that thats the case

[nerdygaymormon]

Im keeping this on anon because I-I... Well, you'll see.

I've been working on my issues for a while; getting diagnosed properly, working through trauma, and being kinder to myself. And I just... Discovered a huge issue with how I was raised regarding sex.

I was raised Mormon and raised to be sexy but sexless. I had to conform to male ideals of how a woman should look, which was sexy, but if I ever implied anything but being a stalwart virgin I'd be shamed... Or worse.

This has led to two horrific things in my life:

The first one is that I realized I've been fantasizing about being raped since I started puberty as a young child, that being the only 'acceptable' way to have sex without being damned. Ive had a high libido my whole puberty and post puberty life, but no one ever taught me how to care for those urges. Ever. And its intensely horrific that a young child would yearn for sexual violence.

The second is when my parents caught me looking at pornography. It wasnt even porn, it was erotic content, but it was enough they took *every* possible device in my name, cutting off every avenue of communication, and confined me to the house for weeks and started talking about forcing me into rehab for my 'addiction'. The truth was I had absolutely no way to manage my high libido and no one that would help, so I turned to the thing I thought I could hide. I had to essentially escape to the neighbors, claim abuse, and then after months of consulting with my psychiatrist, a psychologist, and two bishops my parents stopped controlling my life (and instead are trying to 'good advice' me into controlling my life anyways)

Over mild erotic imagery.

I already know I need to leave the house and make my parents as minimally involved in my life as possible, and I'm also going to have to wipe my records from the Church to keep them from trying to stalk me. While theyve let me have control, theyre always breathing down my neck and trying to 'drag me back' into the Church... When it was the Church that caused all of these problems in the first place. This is severe sexual and religious trauma and I know I need to leave, but I cant drive, I cant afford a place to live, and if I wipe my records now my parents will get far worse.

Its okay if you don't answer this ask, a-and if youre willing to talk to me in private refer to me as the Barbie Anon and I'll reveal myself, but I need help. Where can I go?

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. You're in a tough situation.

I'm not an expert on available resources beyond some national help lines for things like suicide. Actual resources are usually available through your state or city, or from local non-profits. You could try contacting The Trevor Project and asking one of their counselors if they could point you towards resources that could help you leave your home. If you're in Utah, perhaps you could contact the Encircle House near you and see what they can suggest.

I know when it feels like you're stuck in a situation you can't get out of, it feels like this will never end. Please know that life gets better. As we get older, get a job, go to college, go to counseling, get some benefits & assistance, and so on, we get more control over our life and we get to make changes.

Good luck! Wishing you the best!

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

the anon who doesnt have aspd and taught myself empathy again here! i've never talked to a psych (self diagnosed autism) and as a teen i was p sure i had aspd (i Knew shit was strange w me and really wanted an explanation and once i figured out my mix of trauma and autism things made sense) coz lack of remorse and shit but i never actually really matched the rest of it -- i dont have substance abuse issues and never have, im p easily entertained, i've had the same three friends basically my entire life. i do though describe myself as the worlds most boring hedonist coz like yeah i sometimes have a hard time controlling my impulses and im motivated by fun but for me thats usually p simple -- easily entertained. read a book, video games, jump around to music. i AM frequently bored though?? like its my most frequent emotion and ive spent a Long time learning to cultivate my joy and really feel it properly. but im also the most easily excitable person i know. i dunno, i have v large emotions that appear then disappear quite quickly. a favourire hobby of mine since i was a kid has been to start arguments between the ppl i care abt and see how large i could make them in a single session then solve the argument w/o the ppl realising i'd manufactured and egged on the argument. which typing that out now seems uh. an interesting hobby. but late last year i told my younger brother and he laughed coz its a v me thing to do and was like "yo thats fucked. pls stop doing it to me" so since then ive mainly tried to just like playfully tease ppl in a normal way coz cognitively i understand its a fucked thing to do and im trynna be like, a decent person who doesnt go outta my way to play w ppl for funsies. which yeah that uh... maybe i Should look into aspd more again, i did a fairly shallow look into it as a teen and relating to azula as much as i did as a kid (and izaya as an older teen/young adult) was deff a sign of smth

i've followed you on this blog for a while (i think you'd only had it for a couple weeks when i first followed u?) so yeah i did know the story abt u and ur fiance! v cute

i feel like maybe we need a different identifier than "the anon who doesnt have aspd" because that might not be, uh. accurate! i have o clue why a lot of people with aspd seem to congregate around my account but i guess this is an aspd helpline now??????? whuh????

like im not complaining its just. how did i get here

also i think ive deadass used the "worlds most boring hedonist" descriptor for myself before and i deal w chronic boredom the same way you do- i have a LOT of hobbies and i plan elaborate projects and that entertains me but only temporarily

and thats the thing about aspd! it- like every other disorder- is a spectrum. you might not have substance abuse issues, and i do. you did.... your interesting hobby, and i find it morally fucked!* i have no idea your relationship with criminality, and i got fired for stealing

*i have done something similar but i have a moral policy of like, only fucking with people who Deserve It. who deserves what varies case by case and what exactly i do... i need to explain weird spiritual stuff to go in depth andyeah im not really itchin to be called crazy on tumblr dot cum

aspd in general is very misunderstood and no literature really focuses on what its like to have the disorder, only the perceived damage being around someone with the disorder will bring- which is why i initially self diagnosed thru tumblr posts from ppl talking about their symptoms in a serious educative way

sometimes i think like, maybe i don't have aspd, maybe i'm just autistic and i'm spreading misinformation- but i never really felt "at home" with other autistic people. its like- yeah i click better with other autistic people, but i'm still masking, i'm still faking, and even in this situation i can drop the mask partially but not fully. growing up with a personality disorder and trauma in communities largely filled with autistic people with trauma, very quickly teaches you that there's something different about you. it's an isolating, traumatizing feeling- my experience with this was mainly symptoms of npd, but like.... knowing you have a problem, wanting it fixed, and knowing nobody around you knows how deep the problem runs, and might even find its existence laughable or dangerous... it's isolating! and its shitty!!

generally i tend to Know if things i'm doing are bad or not, i just tend to not care in the moment, because it's better than being bored! entertainment wins out over everything. it's actually kind of terrible; i'll do stuff just to see a reaction out of people- it's like izaya, honestly, what happens when people are pushed to their breaking points?

thats kind of how i got so much into angst and psychological horror. not only did i want to break the characters, i wanted to break my audience. i'd tell my friends detailed stories about torture partly because i was interested in my story, mostly because i wanted to see their horrified reactions. i wanted to see how far was "too far," and i keep that stuff in my current narratives- i keep the pov extremely tight and do silly little tricks with narrative and formatting to make the audience feel like they're Really There

so yeah look into aspd. do it boy listen to me im the ps5 im speaking to you inside your brain. do it boy do it

[weathernerdmando]

so i have a doctors appointment tomorrow with a new primary doctor and im going to get situated with them bc i need a place to get my adhd medication, but im also gonna ask if they could do at least a preliminary or whatever evaluation for elhers danlos or hypermobility spectrum disorder or something along those lines. and im hesitantly looking forward to that. bc i would really like some answers.

gonna put my reasonings behind a readmore (this is mostly for myself but also if anyone who’s offically diagnosed sees this and has thoughts on it you’re totally welcome to).

in short, something is wrong, even if it’s not ehlers danlos or hsd like i suspect right now.

Its not just bc of the joint issues that i want to look into it honestly. its the joints, yes, but its the Moderate to Severeish (i think i was borderline for surgery iirc, 40 degree curve lower back, 30 degree upper before treatment, its probably back to around close there bc i haven't been to the chiro in probably 6 months now?) scoliosis, the gi issues (fucked up hunger signals (rn, for example, i dont get them half the time even if i know i havent eaten in close to 24 hours, as well as just not feeling hungry but knowing i need to eat bc im shakey, irritated, anxious and unable to focus), constipation that feels like im getting stabbed that i just have to wait out, stretchy and soft skin, the heel lump thingies (can’t spell the offical term), i think the stretch marks, the high and crowded palate, the inability to write for longer than 2 minutes without severe cramps and pain (amongst other issues with my hands, apparently i dont just suck at using chopsticks, my fingers are straight up collapising and htey shouldn’t be. apparently.). i had a submucus cleft palate as a kid, which was surgically corrected (i dont have a uvula lol!) as well as at least one eye muscle surgery and at least one ear surgery for tubes (possibly two, i can’t remember). i still have really shitty vision (-6.5 in left, -3.5 in right, and they’re crosseyed when i take my glasses off. this is with corrective surgery and wearing a patch on my right to make my left eye stronger). as well as the back pain, the neck pain, etc.

I also have what i’d guess is a 4/5 ish to possibly a -8 out of 9 on the beighton. thumbs to wrist - check. elbows - check. i think my knees might actually hyperextend after all, but im not sure, what i do know is i dont think ive ever passed out bc my knees were locked/all the way back and ive stood in that position for a while before. If im standing with the kneecaps forwards but the feet angled, i think that’s where i can see it. The other thing is one of my pinkies is iffy (depends on the day, and i think it doesn’t quite go to 90), and the other i think is at 90 but im not sure, and that one also depends on the day. so at minimum, 4, at highest, 8 i think. 

My ribs also go under my hip on my right side if i just. Lean over. Fun to show people but that is most likely not fucking normal. My upper and lower ribs move and some of them Shouldn’t. If this gets me answers as to why sometimes it feels like something catches in my chest (one of my boobs, usually my left) and makes breathing Fucking Painful I’ll be thrilled. And my scapulas *definitely* move in a way they shouldn’t and I suspect my shoulders might actually too. As well as my ankles (what do you mean that ballerinas work to stretch like i can do normally?? also the ankle injuries and the growing-pains-that-might-not-be-growing-pains-especially-since-they’re-still-happening as a kid??) and i swear my right wrist either didn’t heal properly or something else is wrong bc a) it shouldn’t be clicking i don’t think and b) i dont think the bones are supposed to sit like they do. And also my hips. something is up with those but idk exactly what but i think you’re not supposed to be able to do what i can.

im autistic and adhd too which raise the chances Something is up bc they’re incredibly comorbid, as does having the scoliosis i think.

just hoping if they don’t know, they won’t say well nothing is wrong, but maybe “we dont know, lets refer you to someone who does” even if I can’t afford that yet.  

[dani-the-toad]

1,7,22 gender asks

How did you choose your name?

the most cringe way possible! back in time when i was like 8/9ish i played pokemon mystery dungeon explorers of sky. i named the squirtle i played as danichi and then i started using that as part of my online persona and oc names for the various rps i was part of. the most popular character was actually danichi tochira assf who is webcomic famous lmao. it eventually changed to just dani when i was still they/them and eventually daniel toad when i became he/him and neopronouns!

What is your favorite part of being transgender?

ohhhhh so much actually, whoever said being trans is suffering is a dumb bitch because i have never been happier than when i figured out that im just a little dude. my favorite part is probably the confidence it gave me, i used to hate myself so deeply and that started changing so much when i started playing with my gender. now i can say im the sexiest man alive and actually believe myself, now i feel like me outside of cosplay, idk i just feel like myself more often than not. i still have major disconnects with myself but thats a different issue entirely that im still working on

Do your neurodivergencies and/or disabilities affect your gender?

very much so tbh. i feel very disconnected from my humanity (most likely caused by the mental illness) and thats very much influenced how i identify in general, im catgender! im boy leaninf yeah but in the cat sort of way. i use neopronouns because they help me identify myself a little better, even if im the only one who uses them (and thats fine!) but the way my brain works just really changed how i viewed my gender overtime, i used to be a fuckin truscum and then i realized thats stupid, transphobic cis people wouldnt accept me even if i was a “”normal”” trans person so why not make them fear me why not have fun with my gender why not be a stupid little rabid cat!!!

thanks for sending the ask!! i have a lot of gender feelings especially because its been changing overtime and only becoming worse LMAO i should link my pronouny somewhere to show off how many pronouns i collected tho

[12thgirl]

Mmmm yesterday

[albatris]

ik this is probably an inappropriate question to ask but i deal with stpd and just recently discovered this. Previously thought it was just depression/anxiety but ive been on like 7 antidepressants/2 of which were more geared towards anxiety. I was wondering if you take any meds or have any advice you might recommend. Id really appreciate it. Im running out of ideas lol.( Sorry to bother and thank you)

nah you’re all good, I don’t have any problem with questions like this n I’m happy to share any experiences of mine that people might find useful!! though in this case idk how much help I’ll be, sorry D:

mostly about meds but my bad for goin on a whole ramble in the middle about therapy?? I talk a lot and have trouble staying on topic

'cause meds n therapy both have been useful to me but both probably would've been pretty useless without the other

under cut for personal rambles

so I was in the same boat as you for several years, I was in treatment for depression and anxiety and then borderline later on, way way way before anyone landed on schizotypal

as such I’ve been obviously dealing with stpd symptoms for basically my whole life but I only got diagnosed early last year n it’s the first time I’ve been. like. actually in any sort of therapy that addresses it properly and I’m still getting a feel for it

in terms of meds, I’ve been on a whole slew of different antidepressants, didn’t find one that worked until I was maybe 18 or 19? so I’ve been on the highest dose mirtazapine since then....... helps with that kinda baseline anxiety background hum, helps with obsessions and guilt spirals..... I didn’t think it did much for depression until I tried coming off it??

like, it gave me a slight boost in terms of energy and motivation, not a huge one, but definitely noticeable once it was gone

but yeah, it was kinda..... yeah, this med is about as helpful as I’m gonna get, so I decided to stick with it. I recently have considered coming off it ‘cause the sedation was a nightmare, but that’s on hold for the time being

I’ve been on two different antipsychotics, first quetiapine, which did absolutely nothing and was even more sedating on top of the mirtazapine, and currently I’m starting on aripiprazole. still on a super low dose, but working up to something that will hopefully ease some psychotic symptoms. side effects of insomnia and nausea but eased off mostly after the first week

but yeah, I haven’t really had much experience with antipsychotics or how helpful they are yet, atm I’m gonna wait and see whether there’s any real positive effects

but meds are super hard to give advice about, ‘cause different ones work for different folks, what works for me might not for you, what works for you might be something I tried and hated, etc etc etc, y’know

honestly the most helpful thing for me has been therapy, I’ve pretty much been in therapy since I was like 5 and I’ve done a lot of it

meds might be helpful to some people on their own but for me I think they would have been mainly useless without some form of therapy

meds kinda helped with some of the “edges” ie, the resulting depression and anxiety of the personality disorder, hopefully will help with some psychotic symptoms too, therapy has also helped with some of these issues on the edges, and I’m currently addressing some of the more specifically schizotypal core issues, although I will likely have to continue doing the work on those issues for most of my life

if you have a good doctor who listens to you, if you want to continue trying out meds then you might still find one that helps you out! I don’t really have a lot of advice here, because the effects can be so different from person to person. but I’ve found that meds only help on a really small scale, they kind of take a little bit of the weight off but it’s still a whole lot of heavy lifting on my own

so therapy was real good for some of that stuff too, skills for easing some of the load. therapy for me involved Other People, but for others it could involve other resources, such as online workbooks n that kind of thing....... ‘cause I know personally for me I fuckin HATE meeting new people and having to bare my soul for them, so therapy gets. interesting

and I know therapy is not realistic for some folks (and also not what this question was about but I’m just rambling now)

n I know especially that that shit gets fucking HARD when any sort of psychosis and paranoia is involved, in terms of stpd, I flat out refused to speak about certain symptoms with professionals due to paranoia and fear, and had a lot of issues trying to come into a therapy environment and immediately having complete strangers be like “ok tell me about what’s up”

like, no???? fuck off?? I don’t even know you??

n until recently all my therapies where only tangentially useful as a schizotypal, like, I did a bunch of social anxiety stuff which helped with some of the surface level day-to-day social anxiety (not so much the more deep-seated stpd social anxiety, that whole “it gets worse the closer you get to people” type, very fun), I did a lot of work around depression and suicidal urges and goals and meaningful living and whatnot, I did DBT which also encompassed a lot of work on interpersonal skills and handling dissociation and paranoia

n like. some of it was helpful? none of it got to the core of the issue or addressed what I really needed to address

I got super lucky with my current psychiatrist in that she was someone I already knew for around a year and a half beforehand ‘cause she helped out in my DBT group therapy. so I was able to get a feel for what kind of person she was beforehand and got to find my feet in trusting her in a more distanced context before entering one on one therapy. she also specialises in personality disorders and was the one who actually diagnosed me so it wasn’t like she was like “oh you’re definitely schizotypal, I’m gonna just pan you off to someone more experienced now” which was nice

she’s also the one who’s helping me out with meds currently

but ya, therapy can be A Lot, ‘specially for schizotypals who tend to isolate and get uncomfy in those vulnerable scenarios. in order to make the most out of it I have to practice an extremely uncomfortable sort of “radical openness” which is like..... well, I’ve spent most of my life being miserable and unhappy and feeling trapped and stuck in these patterns, and this has gotten me nowhere, in order for something to change I need to be radically open about my experiences

which gets HARD because the knee-jerk reaction to paranoia and delusions is often to pull back and isolate, and often I’ve struggled with the idea that it’s not “safe” to speak about certain things or that something bad will happen if I do

so it’s difficult, but I have to continually commit myself to being open and placing myself in intensely uncomfortable scenarios, getting used to the idea of trust being An Action, and practicing trust even when I don’t necessarily Feel It

that’s been a really helpful outlook for me and the only thing that’s kept me involved with therapy and meds and treatment. idk if it’ll be useful to others. I also know that some therapists and psychiatrists are shit and being radically open with the wrong people can be a nightmare

but it’s something that applies in my other relationships too and with my relationship to myself, so. *shrug emoji*

but yeah. that’s been what’s helpful for me

meds do a little bit of the work, but honestly I still have to pull a fuckload of the weight on my own, I kinda got to the point with meds where I was just like “ok this is obviously as good as it’s gonna get” and just stuck with it......... which is kind of a bummer of an answer

ik that kinda turned into a whole unrelated ramble in the middle there but I hope this kinda answers a bit of your question maybe or maybe not ‘cause I don’t really know what I’m doing

but also

I hope you have a nice day

[bananonbinary]

if you have any more thoughts on martin having an eating disorder, i'd like to hear em (if u don't/ don't wanna share, that's ok!)

first off: at the risk of tmi, im drawing a little on personal experience and ive never been diagnosed beyond “that’s really not healthy and we need to fix it,” so i dont actually know what disorder this is, specifically.

anyway.

martin does in fact drink a lot of the tea he makes, because it helps to have *something* in his stomach, and he doesnt want people to worry about him not eating. basically any time he feels hungry he’ll go and make himself some tea instead.

he also NEVER eats from communal eating spaces like the office breakroom because if u think his mother didnt yell at him for snacking at home or eating food that wasn’t “his,” you are wrong. he knows that looks weird tho so sometimes when other people are already eating (it’s fine if someone else starts, right?) he’ll give himself permission to grab like a banana he brought from home or something.

he DOES usually eat meals if other people are there to see (which, if hes around they usually are, just cause he doesnt eat well doesnt mean he wont bug everyone else about it), its just like. stuff that he feels its “acceptable” for a fat person to eat in public so its usually a small sandwich or some shit. never takeout or frozen if he can help it, altho he’ll often go for that at home for money reasons.

he used to go through cycles of restriction and binging, but once he started living in the archives he was around other people too much and was pretty much just restricting all the time. this...unfortunately didnt really ever let up, because everything just kept getting worse.

obviously, the whole prentiss situation made things even harder on him. a lot of his go-to food became triggers, so his already poor diet became really unbalanced.

things were actually the worst for him when not!sasha was around, because she (and jon’s breakdowns) made him paranoid that people would KNOW, people would SEE (he’s not even sure what, but they WOULD) and he pretty much didnt eat at all at work.

this fed into all the shit in season 4 because its actually incredibly lonely to constantly be watching other people’s self-care habits and know that no one’s noticed your own. ironically, he had the chance to eat a bit better around then, because no one was around to see, but the constant dissociation just made it easier to ignore so it wasnt really better or worse in the end.

jon kinda noticed all this early on? especially when he was stalking everyone lmao. but like. his own issues with eating properly and his general...everything at the time made him feel like it wasnt really his place to say anything.

by the scottish honeymoon tho he’s been on the receiving end of martin’s caretaking so many times that he basically just copies that to bully martin into actually eating the proper amount. theres kind of a running competition of who can outdo the other with “i made an elaborate meal for the two of us this evening, now you’re OBLIGATED to eat something, you bastard.” also just general turning concern back on the other person. its all very sweet and gay.

jon genuinely finding martin beautiful and lovable and helping him with his self-esteem issues also helps a lot.

its weird, because you’d think trying to tackle a decades-long issue on top of all the other bullshit they’ve been through would make things hard, but Martin is basically having to relearn how to be a person and actually sit in his body again anyway, after the Lonely, so this just feels like the natural time for recovery. when he’s already asking himself “am i sad, am i distressed, am i cold,” its easy enough to add “am i hungry” to his (and jon’s) check-ins.

after the eyepocalypse, they obviously dont need to eat anymore, but jon doesn’t want to undo all martin’s progress and reassures him that he’s always allowed to eat just because he wants to, so he still makes an effort to scrounge up small things as theyre walking. a little package of cookies, a bag of chips, a loaf of bread one time. its not like expiration dates mean anything anymore, and they could both really use the small comfort of pretending to be human for a bit.

[btrsweetnthngs]

The ketamine study end of month 6.

   I've been doing studies on the benefits of ketamine and the beneficial effects it produces in low amounts that actually repair brain damage.  recent studies in patients receiving low doses of ketamine have shown gradual increase of repair on the transmitters that send and receive information in the nurosynapnasis of the brain that were previously damaged. This is helping people that have PTSd, brain damage, have abused saritonin drugs, taken dopamine replacement therapies and have problematic memory lapses. 

I am now a test patient in a study started summer 2019. Previously I had difficulty remembering Appointments, Peoples names, and even how to spell or do simple math. I was suffering from night attacks(ptsd) memory blanks and would glitch(just forget or blank and either start a new one or walk away)  mid conversation. These are all issues I didnt know i was dealing with until a friend started letting me know and I asked my close family and friends and realized it was a regular occurrence for me.    I am diagnosed a the  A dHD however ive never been medicated properly. I have been giving Anti depressants as well as at self medicating with amphetamines and barbiturates. Ive been told by a doctor that I am bi polar or manic, and while doing research and not taking medication have been treating in by leveling out my my highs by cbt so as the lows aren't as detrimental on my health.  The reason that I am writing this at this moment is because I have niticed dramatic changes in my memory since starting the ketamine experiment. For example I am writing... that alone,  but also,from memory , of things I read over a month ago. I can remember math equations for excell spreadsheets. Something I haven't known for years. I can recall where I know someone from just by looking at them( haven't remembered a single soul who I've ran into from my past who obviously knew me, that I knew.) I can remember people from high school when just last year only could recall 3 people I went to school with. I can remember apoointment( haven't missed one in months), birthdays, and to do lists. I know phone number and can remeber everything I did yesterday without being reminded... which hasn't happened in years. More to come. So exciting

[credulouscanidae]

my inability to be organised, my executive dysfunction, my need for constant stimulation/movement, my memory lapses. these have been things that have affected me my entire life, and they’re things that i have always chopped up to mental illness and trauma.

adhd was also something i ignorantly dismissed as “hehe bouncy leg hyperactive kid” and not really understood it. cuz i wasnt really a hyperactive or disruptive kid. 

but im starting to really...notice things. and i feel like an imposter for “suddenly” thinking i have adhd, but i also havent really had the language up until now to describe what im feeling.

i have been soft diagnsoed with bpd, but also i spent less than 3 sessions with that psych for him to make that evaluation, him just ticking off a list of symtpoms. and i probably do have it. but i cant help but find myself ticking off more boxes of adhd than i do bpd.

i’m realising i dont “feel” in black and white as much as i originally thought i did. i realise i dont “idolise” as much as i thought i did. i definitely have a lot of the complex emotions and lack of identity and have a lot of that bpd fragility that others experience, but i just. idk.

im just realizing theres a lot of things ive grown up struggling with, and ive just chopped it up to me being lazy or dumb. especialyl on my good mental health days where i feel very motivated and “high”, i still experience executive dysfunction and memory issues and shit organisation. just these things that have been affectign me for so long

i guess in the end all i can do is speculate until i get properly diagnosed. and maybe im fixating on the idea of adhd bc i know medication can help it. and im tired of my mind racing at a million miles a second with no rest. im just tired.

[system-of-a-feather]

Due to a general number of asks running along the similar lines of these, I am going to make a general response to those asks and proceed to remove them from the inbox as I don’t feel they will be able to be answered anytime soon and are generally under a similar response and in concept and I felt I would clear these out while I was out for Riku since I have the time and the mental space to read through them. The asks I will be referencing will be at the end under a keep reading - noted in numbers.

-----

To these asks, and any of those reading that might be wondering similarly, we can not give too much of a say on if something is or is not DID / OSDD considering that we are both not a professional and simply due to the innate nature that DID / OSDD are easy to misdiagnose both for other disorders and with other disorders and do need a lot of context that no single ask - or multiple asks - could properly provide a single person enough context to know for sure. Such topics are best talked to towards a professional that can invest time into exploring and discussing individual experiences, the history, and have a better look at the general presentation of your symptoms, experiences, and life history to come to a conclusion about what might be currently going on.

To the first ask, yes, it is entirely possible for neglect to cause DID and OSDD. The two main components to form DID is childhood trauma (neglect included) that might cause a child to dissociate from themselves in a sense of flight/fight and to avoid confronting the pain an fear that they have at the moment and a disorganized attachment to a parent / caregiver.

To the second ask, I am really sorry to hear that you were treated the way you were as a child and that really is absolutely no environment that any human should ever have to have grown up in. I can’t say if you have DID or not as mentioned above, but I would like to say that it isn’t unheard of for alters to form / originate as characters made up for a story or roleplay. Two of the alters in our system that are considerably out of contact with most of the system and partially dormant originated from characters that Riku had originally made that had some parallels to her life as well. One was a well built character, the other not. Like stated above though, it really might be something work looking into talking about with a therapist since there are some reasons to question it there.

To the third ask, there are a number of things that could present similarly to having that feeling other than OSDD / DID considering dissociation (a symptom found in other disorders such as severe depression, schizophernia, PTSD, and BPD) in general can cause similar issues to a certain extent of disconnect, disruption of identity, and a disconnect from one’s own thoughts into making them seem like they are not one’s own. I am not here saying that it isn’t, but I would look into talking to a professional about it. There might be more context that might lean towards OSDD or DID but also might lead to a different diagnosis that is similar with dissociation. If you are concerned about having something similar to DID / OSDD, it really is something you might definitely want to look into with a professional.

-Lucille (Primary Protector)

1)  “I have to ask. As a person who suffered from physical, emotional, and medical (? Idk if that falls under physical or not. Still trying to accept it lol) negelect, I have started to question if I might have DID or not? Can neglect cause it? I know there was some abuse otherwise, but mainly it was neglect and I dont know if that would be bad enough to cause DID or not. If this is triggering, dont feel obligated to answer. Love you and hope you're doing good! ♥️ “

---

2) “Hey, when I was a kid, my parents had terrifying anger. My dad used to be in the army and when I made mistakes or he didn’t like something I did, he went ballistic. There was a time he broke a broom in front of us over his leg. Another time when he slapped me repeatedly and I had to tell my teacher I fell and hit my face - I didn’t even understand why I had to lie. My mom blew up over little things, and I had depersonalization since I was a kid. (1)

A couple years ago my sister made a comment on how my dad used to say ‘I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you!’ But I don’t remember that part. I’ve always been afraid to ask for something, only for my birthday or christmas, and felt I was walking on eggshells around my parents. They were still really loving, but I’ve had difficulty with their anger and my response to real or perceived anger is to fawn. And when I perceive a threat, I start to feel detached from myself. (2)

I noticed too that I have different modes I switch between, and lately I’ve been feeling more distressed and feel myself on different wavelengths/sense of self, and when I switch from one sense to another, I’ve been having micro-moments of disorientation. Then I catch up. I’ve felt multiple presences in my head, usually it’s characters from a long developed fictional universe. There’s one predominant one I feel, who seems to have developed sort of recently over the past few years. (3)

He was formed through a role play game and had many parallels with me during his development. I have diagnosed autism and I feel like just now at 24 I’m developing social skills I should’ve learned growing up. A lot of the time I feel like a child still, and when I’m in different emotional states, I feel I can’t relate much to myself. I also have difficulty with a sense of identity. I don’t feel like the same person as I was when going to university. I feel like I have osdd-1. (4?-end)”

---

3) “ive been researching did because its the only thing similar to what I experience but I dont think I can have it because ive read the trauma causing did has to happen by a certain age & my trauma happened a bit later than that age. I have no clue what is going on with my brain, I often feel as though my thoughts are someone else & I can hold conversations with this.. other person? but theyve never really fronted. they're just there & I'm not even sure if its just 1 of them or multiple.”

[zandel645]

medical frustration. pt 3.

Lastly, the huge problem with my neck. It’s by far the scariest health issue I’ve ever had, even more than severe anorexia, a complicated birth of my child or a broken back. I have no idea what it is. Google doesn’t tell me anything, there doesn’t seem to be anyone else on the planet experiencing what I experience. The neurologist has diagnosed me with cervical focal dystonia and gave me muscle relaxants but I personally think I’ve been misdiagnosed. The research I’ve done on focal dystonia doesn’t match with my symptoms at all.

So what happens? Well one of the muscles or nerves or ligaments (who knows) in my neck stiffen and tighten. This happens without warning, there’s no trigger, it could happen at any time in any place and I cannot predict it at all. It produces a very painful sensation of someone’s hands around my throat, squeezing. I have about 30 seconds to take muscle relaxant medication before I lose the ability to swallow. Once that happens, I have to spit in a cup to get rid of saliva. I also can’t speak or use my voice properly. I can’t communicate with people over what’s happening which is psychologically very distressing. The pain increases every minute, first at my neck then it spreads to my jaw, my head, the other side of my neck, down my shoulder. Sometimes it lasts for a few seconds but the longest it has lasted so far has been 6 hours. That’s 6 hours of honestly excruciating pain, being unable to swallow or talk.

The last time it happened, I took my meds as soon as I could and waited for them to work. And then I waited a bit more and a bit more. I felt my meds working on the rest of my body but not my neck. That’s when I started to panic. The thing that was supposed to make it go away wasn’t working and I was stuck unable to talk to cry in rapidly increasing amounts of pain. My mum took me to a&e which she didn’t want to do because ‘it’ll go away by itself eventually!’ not realising that I wanted to scream. It was only after I started banging my head against the wall in pain and panic and frustration that she took me seriously. The traige doctor tried to examine me and get me to talk and swallow and move my neck. This was so painful that I broke down in front of her and the nurse. As in, screaming and shouting and making incoherent noises. Using my voice makes the pain worse so then I was screaming even louder which then made it worse still, it was a vicious cycle.

Eventually, more doctors and nurses came in to calm me down, I was on the floor screaming, pushing them away, not knowing where I was, not understanding what they were saying. They rushed me away from the waiting area because i was so loud and they gave me an IV and took a blood test. I was dehydrated and my electrolytes were off since I couldn’t swallow therefore drink any water or eat anything at all. They put me on a drip of electrolyte infusions and water. They gave paracetamol through the cannula and tried the first muscle relaxant also through the cannula. Neither of them worked, I was still choked-crying, trying not to scream. Eventually I went completely silent and dissociated, I was in too much pain to me in my body. Then they gave me two more muscle relaxants and then morphine. The morphine helped a lot but it didn’t make the pain go away completely. Finally my neck stopped. And it was one of the scariest and definitely the most painful experience of my life.

People don’t take me seriously when I say that. Because no one has heard of it before, there isn’t a name for it, they can’t see my neck going wrong, they can only trust what I say. But I can’t talk. So they brush it off. It only took a complete breakdown and dissociation at the hospital, fucking morphine, about 10 doctors and multiple medications direct through a vein to take me seriously. And no medication works to fix it, my safe ‘I’ll just take this and wait it out, it’ll only be 20 minutes, I can handle that!’ doesn’t work. And it’s honestly terrifying.

So that’s my body, I hate it, I want a refund from the universe and everything is shit.

[toots-senpai]

I actually enjoy hearing about people and their ADHD, because I also have ADHD. It sounds like it effects everyone differently. Please be kind to yourself. We're all only human.

tw: su!c!de mention!! rant kinda? just mental illness talk

um, im gonna pull away from all the fanfic writing to let you guys know a little about me and like life recently. so i know i've had adhd since i was like 6. i got diagonsed, fun fact, by someone who actually got arrested for over dosing children. i tried doing some research a second ago to find him but i actually cant... (if someone wants to play detective here before my mother and i figure it out first, his name was dr.ruben and he got arrested from around 2009-2013 in milwuakee wisconsin, worked for a catholic therapy center i think) but i think he might've majorly fucked up my diagnosis. ive been in and out of therapy centers and ive been mentally abused by my father for the earlier years of my life and my father didn't believe about my adhd in the first place which might've led to all this confusion as well. but his desbelief in my adhd i now find funny because adhd is basically just your frontal cortex being undeveloped. yet, with all the research i've done with autism recently, it really does seem like i'm coming down to that conclusion. yet adhd and autism is on the same spectrum. ive been diagnosed differently 6 times these last few years and though adhd is on there, bpd and ptsd are always being tossed back and fourth between my psychologists (the people that give the medicine.. that's right? right?) but with all the things ive been seeing on the internet about autism it really does seem like i have it. recently, like i said, ive been having trouble with learning, very bad with forms and i get super stressed and almost suicidal with new people if i dont ground myself properly. on top of that my sensory issues have been through the roof and it really seems that i just.. am stuck? though all this writing is actually keeping me grounded actually but just trying to learn about those personality types a few minutes ago legitmately had me angirly stimming because i didn't understand. um, ptsd is very weel mixed up with autism also, you can also have both. men were the blueprint for autism testing, so women are often misdiagnosed.. recently i have went to a nuerologist for twitching, now.. i think some of it is stimming but i know for a fact that something's wrong in my back, i think they said hyplexia? but at the same time they didn't actually fully diagnosed me. but all this confusion and just sensory issues around those people every time i go there (to the hospital i mean) always makes me forget. it's honestly so much that i can barely put all of it here.

point of the matter is, is that im kinda in a weird state in my life and I don't want to put it all on to you guys again, kinda just want this here so that you guys kinda know.. but with all of the invalidating in my life about my diagnosis's it is really nice to feel validated. kinda crying being the screen because, it really do be hard out here... but thank you so much. you don't know just how much that little sentence made my past week better!!! :))) <3333

thank you. really.