#but like the title looks better with 3 because it puts like......EMPHASIS on the words yk

[sakurango]

𝐈𝐅 𝐈'𝐌 𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐄𝐅𝐔𝐋, 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐃𝐀𝐘 𝐀𝐅𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐎𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐑𝐎𝐖 𝐖𝐈𝐋𝐋 𝐁𝐄 𝐘𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐃𝐀𝐘.

୨୧ @eevuisekai ♡ like/rb if saved * credit if used

[ponytailzuko]

writing down my overall thoughts on the live action

first of all, i walked into my step dad watching it of his own free will - and then me and my entire family sat down to watch it. both my step dad and mom had never seen the cartoon in their life, so this was a first time viewing for them. they enjoyed it. my mom even asked where season 2 was. so i think the live action served its main purpose - get new people who haven't watched or wouldn't have watched the cartoon into the franchise. they did it! yippee.

anyways, my own thoughts have an inherent bias due to having seen and loved the cartoon. i believe my parents when they say that from their perspective, it holds up on its own. obviously, i don't think it was ever going to be better than the cartoon, but wanted to write my opinions what i liked, changes i enjoyed and changes i didn't, etc.

putting it under a read more because this sucker is long:

i don't know anything about film making - set design, props, fashion, cgi, etc. nothing particularly stood out to me in a way that ruined the show, and i only really pay attention to it when it serves the story. so i'm just not going to comment on it for the most part. most of this is about writing choices i liked or disliked. anyways here we go.

the good:

aang was a highlight for me. i know some people have problems with moving his backstory to the very beginning of the story, but i liked it. it immediately made me get in aang's shoes and feel his connection with his people, his home, and gyatso - and made it very easy to connect with his grief when he woke up from the iceberg. live action really emphasizes the last airbender part of the title throughout, and how aang feels isolated in his duty as the avatar, as the last airbender preserving his culture, and by being from another world - lost in time.

i liked how he sought out his past lives so often. really makes him feel like a child who doesn't know what he's doing and had the rug pulled out from under him by losing gyatso too soon. he's looking for adult guidance, and kyoshi, roku, and kuruk are all there telling aang THEIR version of how to be the avatar. feels like good set up for later when aang gets to define HIS version of the avatar, and how he wants to bring peace to the world. we already see it with their versions of the avatar feeding into aang's feelings of guilt and self-isolation - that he needs to do things on his own. it gets concluded with katara and sokka declaring him family, and they won't leave no matter what.

in that nature: adding more emphasis on katara's grief as well, since it was APPARENTLY not enough for people watching the cartoon and called her whiny for mentioning it. in general, it feels weird that katara's flashback to her backstory happened in season 3 of the cartoon when there was a whole episode dedicated to aang and zuko's backstory all the way in season 1, another one for zuko's backstory in season 2, and then bato of the water tribe elaborated on sokka being left by hakoda. glad to get katara backstory earlier. love you katara <3

and from that: sokka and katara's conflict being about if she should waterbend. feels very natural and something they would fight over. it is a vital aspect to their culture, but also if word gets out there is a waterbender in the village, there could be another raid.

aang stealing zuko's notebook is another highlight. it is both such a petty kid thing to steal and be upset about someone reading your diary, but also it actually serves a purpose in giving aang a guide for his avatar journey. the show sacrificed paralleling aang and zuko's backstories like the storm, but they still intertwine aang and zuko's story through this notebook and the connection aang makes with zuko through it. very sweet.

in that note: the set design adding little things such as those little statues in zuko's room. feels like it really was lived in by someone obsessed with finding the avatar for 3 years. i really liked details like that they put throughout the show

suki extrapolation with her mother and her conflict of being duty-bound to her village but wanting to see the world, and how this relates to sokka. made me genuinely invested in their relationship in a way i wasn't from the cartoon. i also loved the actress' portrayal of suki, she's so awkward and i love it. need to see more of her.

iroh in season 1 of the cartoon feels less like his own fleshed out character and more of a comedic relief expansion of zuko's b plot. he's made to make zuko's slice of the show more fit for a fun kids show by giving him someone to talk to and be funny with. he's a fun tea-loving uncle, but it's hard to parse what he really feels until later. live action iroh keeps that fun tea-loving aspect, but he has his own baggage and its GREAT. i think i genuinely enjoyed live action iroh more than the cartoon. he has so much more growing to do. could talk about this version of iroh (and his relationship with zuko) forever. i need season 2 just for him.

iroh and aang's prison arc together.

making zuko's crew have issues with him earlier and making them 41st division was nice. i really liked that change.

secret tunnel with familial love between katara and sokka was so cute. enjoyed it.

the ???:

azula and ozai's addition is a 50/50 to me. i think the sick power plays ozai is doing between his two children are genuinely interesting. the change in how ozai doles out praise and the dynamics between azula and zuko is also interesting and i enjoyed it. but i also find their screen time unnecessary. could be used to further the dynamic between the main protagonists, or they could be saved for season 2 or 3. did like how azula used zhao to thwart zuko and it fucked zuko up immensely in the head. very nice. also not sure how i feel about azula being good at archery, feels like getting good at a nonbending discipline isn't something that meshes well with her character for me, but that's a nitpick.

combining plotlines such as jet and the mechanist in omashu + the change with bumi was... fine? it served its purpose. liked some aspects and didn't like others.

the spirit world stuff was really cool and i enjoyed how koh preys on people lost in the fog. very interesting concepts that got us to be able to experience katara and sokka's backstory first hand. felt immersive to me. but also wtf, wan shi tong? katara and sokka being gone from the plot for so long? come backkkkkk! COME BACK! DO WE HAVE TIME FOR YOU TO BE IN SPIRIT JAIL WHEN I HAVEN"T SEEN YOU GUYS INTERACT ENOUGH? i did like yue being in the spirit world and interacting with sokka. that was cute as hell.

northern water tribe and yuekka had parts i liked and parts i didn't. they kept the sexism and arranged marriage but also yue opted out? feels detrimental to yue and sokka's relationship and how they connect to each other out of their sense of duty. did really like hahn being nice, it would have been really interesting to see how yue felt stifled with an arranged marriage even if hahn was perfect. also liked yue being able to waterbend and the little scene with yue and sokka making dessert, so cute. yue freezing sokka to the ground before sacrificing herself.... didn't like that. wish they let sokka let her go, understanding it was her choice.

katara in the nwt as well. katara fighting master pakku and losing, but everyone watching thought she was SO COOL. loved the guy asking how she did the ice disks and she has to teach him. but confused on the fact that pakku doesn't take her as a student, and we don't see her being taught but people still refer to her as a master. i'm going to assume she learned waterbending by learning from her fanclub and also teaching them her moves.

why did they almost kill momo?

the bad:

everyone and their mother has said the exposition is bad so i won't hammer it home too much. this isn't actually much of a problem for me because it was actually necessary to get the point home to my mom who was watching it for the first time. i was also told that screen test audiences asked for the exposition to be added in the first episode after production, so i don't have much to say there.

aang's decision to leave home not being running away but due to the fact that he was stepping out to get a breather. this felt like a weird change to me, since the rest of the show hammers in about aang running away from his problems and his duties in a way the cartoon doesn't. would have felt WAY more heartwrenching to see the temples under attack while aang runs away from being the avatar and it would have hit harder when gyatso tells aang to let go of that guilt and pain... that it wasn't his fault. it was harder to feel the root of aang's guilt when i know that he didn't even plan to leave for very long. alas!

continuing from that point about aang's attribute of 'running away': lack of episodic plotlines. everyone and their mother has also hammered home about the lack of them from cartoon. i don't actually hate the change, but i do think it does some disservice to aang's character that they didn't adjust for. i'm being told that aang runs away, but i haven't been shown aang doing so. i've been seeing aang do his duty as the avatar and research it every episode. give me a reason to believe why this is a character flaw that aang needs to face.

similarly, i think this does a detriment to katara's role in book 1. since aang is more focused on what he needs to do as the avatar, katara becomes more his partner in finding out more about what it means to be the avatar instead of pushing him to be more motivated into doing so. (ex: 'we need to continue on our journey and not stay on kyoshi island' or 'we need to help haru in this village')

aang, katara, and sokka get separate plotlines so much that they don't feel like a solid dynamic. again, detriment of the lack of the smaller episodic plots. does make more sense that katara says aang is family at the end of season 1 instead of the beginning for this reason, though.

katara feels like one of the weakest aspects of the show to me. katara doesn't get the narration. katara isn't the first thing when aang gets out of the ice. and katara's rage just feels lost. i think a simple script or direction change in ep 1-2 to make katara's actress play her with more of that rage during her arguments with sokka would've worked wonders. katara has this feeling of anger at injustice that motivates her throughout the cartoon and i don't feel it here. also miss some of her sass - katara should've hit aang in the head with an acorn.

sokka's weird engineer arc? he's a warrior. why are you saying it's okay to not be a warrior when he is - what is up with setting up sokka as a disappointment to hakoda? HELLO? DOES ANYONE HEAR ME? i'm confused where they're going with this, please tell me that sokka has misinterpreted and created that memory due to insecurity. this is where my bias is totally coming in. this worked fine for my parents who hadn't ever seen it. BUT WHERE ARE THEY HEADING WITH THIS?

kinda wish information about zuko's situation was dropped more subtly throughout instead of zuko being like "my father banished me and i need the avatar to get back" like episode 1. like ok give me a moment to just be like "ugh this zuko kid is a fucking BITCH" before i have to feel for him, damn.

also zuko going straight to barbecuing feels weird to his character when they're also trying to tell us that zuko's capable of kindness and also has a strict honor code? zuko is against using bounty hunters in a way he's not in the cartoon. he talks down on the terrorism in omashu since its not 'honorable', but he also was about to burn katara who was down on the ground. of course, realistically if you're throwing fire around, you are going to burn people. but there was a suspension of disbelief in the animated version that isn't in the live action. zuko does things such as immediately resorting to fire instead of hand to hand in his fight with sokka. in the live action, i'd expect zuko to use MORE hand to hand in comparison to fire, not less. plus the fact they took out moments such as zuko not burning zhao in the agni kai or holding his hand out to save him during the north. weird dissonance at points with his character for me.

[the-yuri-librarian]

Bloom into You Analysis: Ch. 3

Its finally here! This time, its Bloom into You Chapter 3. This one is going to be a little shorter just because there is not as much to talk about, story progression wise. A lot of this chapter is more dedicated to progressing the student council election arc than it necessarily is progressing Yuu and Nanami’s relationship. Either way, lets get into it. My favorite panel is actually the title card:

I just think its cute! Analysis below the cut:

Yuu and Nanami are now in a brand new post-kiss world. Yet, the kiss isn’t the only thing on their minds. As I said above, a lot of this chapter deals with the student council election. The characters are putting up fliers, taking candidate photos, conducting interviews about their candidacy, etc. And, because Yuu is Nanami’s campaign manager, she is heavily involved in all of this, and is spending a lot of time around Nanami, which gives her a lot of time to reflect on the kiss. But first, Nanami pulls her aside and apologizes for what happened, insisting that she only asked Yuu to be her campaign manager so they could work together as friends. Yuu forgives her, says it is fine, and they move on. It is not until after the apology that Yuu begins to truly reflect on what happened. And, the truth is, she is frustrated. Her thoughts reveal that that was her first kiss, and she, in her words, “didn’t feel anything” (Ch. 3, pg. 8; emphasis original). While she does not seem surprised by this fact, she is definitely disappointed. But, she cannot get this moment out of her head, her thoughts circling around and around it. This comes to a head when all the candidates and their campaign managers line up together for a photograph. Yuu’s and Nanami’s hands bump together, and Yuu takes this opportunity to conduct a test. She takes Nanami by the hand behind their backs, where the camera can’t see, and she watches Nanami’s reaction. Nanami, of course, gets flustered because she didn’t expect this and she blushes, which seemingly infuriates Yuu. She glares at Nanami behind her back, literally thinking, “It’s not fair” (ch. 3, pg. 18; emphasis original). Her thoughts continue:

This moment, more than any other, the confession, the kiss, or anything else Nanami has done seems to be what confirms for Yuu that they are not the same. Which leads to the next page:

And this is where Yuu’s character arc is introduced into the story, and it is set up wonderfully in this panel through, what is effectively, the “show don’t tell” rule. Any writer or creative who partakes in storytelling has heard this rule. It boils down to this: when you are telling a story, it is, generally, better to show the audience what happens as opposed to telling them what happens. For example, if you were writing a short story and you wanted to convey that a character is scared, you wouldn’t write “Yuu was scared” because that is telling the audience she is feeling. Instead, it is generally better to write, “Yuu clenched her sweat soaked palms and took a small step back.” (This is not the best example, but its gets the point across). This shows the audience that Yuu is afraid through her actions and has the potential to produce a more visceral emotional reaction in said audience. Nakatani is likely well aware of this “rule,” and, since Bloom into You is being told through a visual medium, she is able to utilize a blend of showing and telling to depict Yuu’s complex emotional state. By doing so in this scene, Nakatani is setting up Yuu’s internal conflict, or what her story is really about, by creating a situation in which Yuu’s actions contradict her words. The above panel is an excellent example of this. Look at Yuu’s thoughts on the page. Her inner monologue is claiming that the situation is not fair, is claiming that Yuu doesn’t know know what it is like to have someone special. She thinks that she cannot feel love and therefore cannot love Nanami. Through Yuu’s thoughts in this scene, Nakatani is, in some ways, telling the audience how Yuu feels. But, look what the physical actions Yuu is taking. Nanami starts to walk away, and Yuu steps towards her, holding her hand out. She is reaching for Nanami. It almost looks like she is going to call out to her. But why would she do that unless she already has some feelings for Nanami? In an updated version of the part two analysis, which is linked in the master link document at the end, I focused on two moments in chapter two, in which Yuu repeatedly insists that Nanami can’t like her because, according to her, ““We’re both girls” (pg. 4 & 26). Yuu clings to these notions, according to my interpretation, because she is trying to protect herself from the fact that she is attracted to Nanami. This scene supports that intrepretation, while also implying that it may already be too late for Yuu; she may already like Nanami. The problem is the way Yuu feels doesn’t match up with the romanticized version of these feelings in the love songs she likes and romance manga she reads. And, because of that, she stops herself from reaching out, giving in to her own beliefs and ultimately cutting herself off from the way she feels, instead isolating herself. In this panel, the night sky in the background symbolizes how far away from Nanami Yuu feels. She’s not even on the ground, and is instead floating up with the stars. This contradiction in character — the Yuu who simultaneously has feelings for Nanami and cannot have feelings for anyone at the same time — is the main internal conflict of this story. It drives Yuu’s actions forward from chapter to chapter, as she learns, slowly, that though love may never be what you expect it to be, it will always find you, because there is plenty of love in the world. And, now that this contradiction is in place, it can begin to affect the story, which it does at the end of this chapter (lots of images below):

After the election events, Yuu and Nanami go home, and Nanami invites Yuu to a coffee shop (this shop will become important to the narrative later, but for right now its just a coffee shop). Yuu agrees, and they have this exchange. In this scene, Yuu’s actions reveal a lot about her mindset. Nanami asks if she can just stay by Yuu’s side and be in love with her, and Yuu agrees, but she doesn’t know why. Internally, she is calling Nanami unfair and acting as if Nanami is twisting her arm about the situation. But is she? Yuu is being a bit of an unreliable narrator here, and to prove it I want to talk about Can’t Defy the Lonely Girl (blog spoilers: review on this coming in a few weeks). Can’t defy the Lonely Girl is another girl’s love manga that tells the story of Ayaka and Sora. The general gist is this: Ayaka desperately wants to get into a good college, but she has bad test anxiety. As a result of this, she did not get into her first choice high school. One of her teachers is aware of this, and cuts her a deal: “Sora Honda has not come to class a single this semester; if you can get her to come to class refularly, I will write you a recommendation letter to whatever school you want.” Ayaka agrees, and goes to Sora’s house to talk to her. Sora agrees to come to class on one condition: Ayaka must agree to one “request” everyday. The first request? Sora wants to kiss her. As the story progresses, whenever Ayaka doesn’t want to do something that Sora wants her to do, Sora uses her request to get her to do it (its mostly harmless stuff). During some of these moments, Ayaka internally relents that Sora is being “not fair.” And this brings us back to Bloom into You. Compare this scene to the description of Can’t Defy the Lonely Girl above. How is Nanami being “unfair” to Yuu here? Yuu can just say no. It is not like Ayaka’s situation, where her and Sora have an agreement that she desperately needs to keep in order to achieve her goals. What is stopping Yuu from walking away? Nothing about Nanami’s mannerisms or speech imply that she would not respect Yuu’s wishes if asked to leave her alone. If Nanami is not the one pressuring her, then who else is left to pressure her but herself? This is not to say that I think Yuu loves Nanami yet; its far too early in the story for that. But, I definitely think her feelings extend beyond just platonic friendship. The question only remains: How does their relationship develop from here?

Not that these are back, I’m only going to do them twice a week, but there won't be a set upload schedule. This is probably not a good idea for blog growth, but with my current schedule, it will be better for me if I stay flexible. Please look forward to chapter four later this week. Also, if you missed chapters 1 and 2, here is the masterlist with all the links: https://hero.page/theyurilibrarian/personal. Each time a new analysis goes up, the previous analysis will be added to this list, and it will always be attached at the end.

Thanks for reading! Here’s the bonus panel for this chapter:

[astranva]

TikTok Series | Christmas Dance

Word Count: 1k

Category: Fluff

Warning: F word mentioned like twice.

Summary: You and Harry do the Winter Wonderland/Here Comes Santa Claus TikTok dance.

// masterlist where the rest of the TikTok pieces are //

..

When you had seen all these people do the Winter Wonderland / Here Comes Santa Claus dance on TikTok, you weren’t so sure if Harry would be willing to do the dance with you because:

1)   The both of you couldn’t learn TikTok dances if your lives depended on it.

2)   You always ended up laughing too much to go on.

3)   You always turn it into the both of you goofing around.

But Christmas in 2020 was predicted to not have its usual spark, something that you and Harry, along with the rest of the world, were disheartened by.

There he sat, listening to a podcast through his earphones as he drank his tea with one hand, the other mindlessly playing with your hair as you rested your head on his lap while scrolling on your phone.

At Harry’s sigh and slight movement, you looked up at him to find him scrolling through his phone. “You done?”

He hummed, looking down at you with a small smile, “Yeah. Liked the last one better though.”

“Are you still going to tell me about it before bed?”

It was a tradition that the both of you had started during quarantine; he’d listen to podcasts, then talk about them with you before going to bed. It was always amusing because of how diverse Harry’s podcast preference was.

“Of course.” He wiggled his fingers in your hair.

“So, now that you’re done-”

“Uh oh.” Harry joked, grinning down at you.

“Shut up,” you giggled, scrolling on your phone to reach the TikTok you wanted to show him, “Can we do this?”

Showing him a TikTok video of a couple doing the Winter Wonderland dance, Harry watched intently, smiling and raising his eyebrows throughout it.

“You sure, lovie? We always fuck up these dances.”

“I know, but it’ll be fun.”

And that was half an hour before the both of you were in the matching Christmas pajama set Harry had bought during his quarantine shopping; red fuzzy pajamas, white Christmas trees, reindeer, and ornaments on it.

For emphasis, the both of you stood in front of your newly decorated tree, it twinkling with the lights you had wrapped around it along with the festive ornaments that brought life to it.

You had watched two tutorials, taking notes as attempting the moves together, laughing at the parts that seemed too complicated for your mediocre dancing abilities when it came to TikTok choreography.

With his hair flopping, Harry ran his fingers through his hair to push it back from his face, watching as you fumbled before beginning to record.

Moving to your phone camera’s view, you and Harry did the first move as the song sounded.

Grabbing your hips, you and Harry both wiggled your butts, Harry giggling as you did.

You went to the right side, only for Harry to move to the same side.

“Oh, fuck! I was supposed to go to the left.” Harry laughed, putting his hands on his waist as he watched you move to your phone.

“Yeah it’s right for me, left for you, left for me, right for you.” You reminded him.

“Got it.” He nodded.

Beginning out of frame again, you did the steps, Harry remembering to go the left side before the both of you before “rolling the dice.”

Whipping your hair, the both of you then dropped low, you losing balance before falling on your butt as your hand reached out to Harry, bringing him to his butt with you.

“We’re awful at this stuff.” Harry said, dramatically lying on his back and sprawling.

“Nooo, we’re going to do this!” You laughed, throwing yourself on top of him, “We didn’t whip out the PJ’s for nothing.”

“We were already going to wear them.”

“Yeah, on Christmas day, not eve. Come on, baby, pleeease?”

He released a sigh, one hand reaching to wrap around you on him, “The things I do for you.”

“The things you do with me.” You gave him a grin, watching as Harry mirrored it.

“That, too.”

It took you 5 more failed videos to get it right before finally getting it done on the 6th.

Giggly, you stood beside each other as you watched the video.

“Oooo, yes!” Harry clapped when you dropped it low before coming back up.

“You look adorable, oh my God, everyone’s going to die at this.” You commented as you watched Harry do the dolphin move.

“I can’t believe we finally did that,” he said with wide eyes, opening his arms, “We’ve just successfully did a TikTok dance.”

You squealed slightly, fully aware of how the both of you were making a big deal out of it but in your defense, you had been trying to post one decent dance since March but all attempts were in vain.

“Should we write a shared caption?” You asked, feeling Harry approach you before moving to wrap his arms around you from behind, looking over your shoulder at your phone.

“Merry Christmas?”

“This is offensive to your songwriter title, H.”

“Bring back Christmasy Christmas?”

You grinned, looking over your shoulder before leaning to peck his lips, “Atta boy.”

You’d be lying if you said you didn’t expect it, but 4 hours after you had posted the dance, it had 2 million likes and countless comments.

“OH MY GOD WHAT”

“HARRY DOING A TIKTOK DANCE?????”

“I want to thank my lord and savior, Y/N, for saving 2020 with the TikTok content.”

“he looks so happy around Y/N, I can’t believe there are people out there who don’t ship them/like Y/N? is this even possible?”

“THE MATCHING PJS DON’T TOUCH ME I’M CRYING”

With everyone’s reactions, you knew that this wouldn’t be the last of your TikTok videos with Harry, and Harry’s own version of “goodnight, sweet dreams” was proof of it;

“I love doing these things with you, you know? Like, just being a fucking dorky boyfriend who hops on trends or whatever. I love seeing you smile like that,” he had said before prepping your cheek with soft kisses, “Even when it’s at how much of a baby I am,” Harry had giggled, “Can make TikToks with you any time of the day, lovie, and I’d be happy. As long as you are, too, because I love you.”

[nctsjiho]

Can’t Go On Like This

warnings: none

era: beginning of May 2021

❀ When, the one and only, Lee Soo Man joins one of JiHo’s meetings, he reminds her of what her future could look like if she’d stop sabotaging herself

The noise of fingers tapping against the wooden table in the otherwise silent meeting room, sounded absolutely deafening. The tension was so thick, JiHo was sure you could cut it with only the sharpest of knifes. It was a suffocating feeling, even after having been in this same exact room for hours almost each day of the past month or two.

A fake cough caught everyone’s attention and all eyes were on the one and the only, Lee Soo Man. JiHo’s eyes were blown wide and were lingering with slight fear but more so pure youthful naivety. “JiHo…” The man started which caused the girl to sit up straight and nod in acknowledgment.

“We don’t want to take you out of the group. You know this. But JiHo… We can’t let you go on like this.” JiHo knew exactly what he was referring to and it was embarrassing that it came to a point were the staff she’d previously talked to had to get the founder of the company involved.

The man continued. “There’s no reason to keep you here if you keep declining our offers, it also looks very bad on us. Your fans want exactly what we can, and have tried, to give you.” He put emphasis on that last sentence which made JiHo want to bury herself deep into the ground, but she kept her composure as to stay professional in the situation. “If you keep saying no however because of, what your managers have told me at least, is your lack of confidence, then we will have to let you go and not try to save your contract.”

JiHo could feel the eyes of her closest female manager burn into the side of her face. Kim Yebin had been working with her since 2019 and had practically become her best and closest (female) friend. She was a bit like a older sister or a cool aunt that took care of her, but also treated her as an equal. She only wanted the best for JiHo, and sometimes the that meant that she had to be a little harder with her. The young idol wasn’t particularly stubborn, but when it came to her confidence or her own mental health, JiHo didn’t know how to take care of herself in that way.

For the past few weeks, and even over the course of her working with JiHo, Yebin had always pushed her to be more confident and sure of herself. She always had to remind JiHo that she had no reason for her to doubt herself and JiHo would usually listen, but the second Yebin turned her back, JiHo started doubting herself again.

“JiHo it’s time to start believing in yourself. We already do. Me, your fans, the boys, your family and even the whole company does. There’s no reason for you not to do so yourself.” Yebin pressed a few days ago.

Remembering the words JiHo’s manager had told her, she quickly glanced her way and send her a small smile, before focusing on Lee Soo Man again.

“We’ve given you so many opportunities many idols and trainees can only dream about. We as a company spent a lot of energy in not only NCT but you as an individual member as well. Don’t let that energy go to waste. Now that we cleared up the misunderstandings it’s time to move on and move up. Understood?” JiHo nodded before answering with a firm “Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.” The smallest of smiles tugged at the corners of his mouth before he started to exit the room.

“Tomorrow we’ll have the meeting with Kim So Yeon, the CEO of Esteem. I want to move that meeting to the second floor lounge, so I need someone to reserve that room and notify the front desk so they sent our guests to the right place tomorrow.” He explained to the staff and not long after he left the room.

JiHo let out a big breath she didn’t realise she was holding in before dropping her head on the table in front of her. Her body trembled slightly as the nerves that had started to build up from the second she knew that Lee Soo Man was joining the meeting until now, began to subside.

JiHo felt the small hand of her manager start to run up and down her spine to sooth her. “Unnie~” The girl whined. “I know JiHo. Just... I know I’ve said it so much lately, but honestly, stop doubting yourself.” JiHo tilted her head so she could look at Yebin who watched her with a motherly gaze. “It’s not that I don’t think I’m good enough...”

The girl sat up and looked straight into her manger’s eyes. “It’s like when they asked me to join Dream.” A small sigh escaped JiHo’s lips. “It’s not that I wasn’t confident in my skills. I just felt like Dream should’ve been only the boys. I didn’t think I’d look good with them.” Yebin and one of the group’s other mangers sighed and shook their heads. “This is exactly not being confident in yourself.” Yebin explained which made JiHo mouth an “oh” in realisation.

“If you debuted in Dream, all the fans would have know was Dream with the seven boys and you. And they would’ve loved it, just as much as they love you with the boys now.” The other manager decided to add on to Yebin’s words. “It would’ve been just the same as if you agreed to debut with NCT U back in 2016. You did everything! Sang the guide for the song. You participated in making the performance. You did so much, you proved you could do it and then one day we hear that you decided not to go through with it and continued on as a trainee leaving the boys oblivious to the fact that you were planned to be added to the group since the start. JiHo you didn’t just have to potential, you had and still have the skill to back everything up. So believe us when we say that there’s no reason for you to ever decline an opportunity because you can do it.”

Even though the words were meant to be words of encouragement, JiHo couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty about everything. She had never told the boys about what kind of opportunities she had gotten from SM before and even after her debut. She felt guilty for keeping it all a secret, for changing how things could’ve been.

Being aware of JiHo’s internal turmoil, Yebin placed a hand on JiHo’s thigh and gave it a friendly squeeze. “Cheer up baby doll! From now on things will be better. And to start things off I’ll treat you to dinner.” The mention of food sparked a bit of excitement which was very clear to Yebin and made her chuckle. “You’ve become too much like the boys. You’re all just little kids.” She dramatically ‘complained’. Yebin reached out for her purse and then beckoned to JiHo. “Let’s go!”

When Yebin walked out of the room she heard a rushed shuffling and a taller figure retreating towards the practise rooms. The brown locks and the stature of the person seemed a bit familiar. But with the amount of people Yebin saw daily - whether that was consciously or not - Yebin couldn’t quite put a name to it. It probably wasn’t someone too close to her, since she prided herself in being good with people - names and appearances.

“Unnie, what are you looking at?” Yebin’s eyes must have been lingering in the direction the person disappeared for a while, because she didn’t notice JiHo joining her by her side. “Oh nothing! Let’s just go.” She sent the confused looking girl a warm smile before they headed towards the elevators. “Good, because I’m starving! I was so nervous for the meeting, I couldn’t eat all day.” JiHo complained while holding her stomach of which she was sure could start growling any second now - thank the Gods it didn’t start while she was still in the meeting. “JiHo! I told you not to skip meals even when you don’t feel like eating. You’re already getting so thin lately.” “I’m sorry, I’ll try to eat next time.”

With that both woman left the building to enjoy a meal together and take a break from the endless meetings and stress filled situations.

---

Side Note: The title might change as well as the little description/summary, and this wasn’t proofread because I’m on a little time crunch. I’ll revise it asap if needed! Also who was that, who Yebin spotted???

Have a good day/evening/night <3

[darthkruge]

Anakin Skywalker x Reader ~ Life Day

Summary: Spending Life Day with Anakin. Also, let’s pretend I’m better at titles than I am.

Warnings: Language and fluff, y’all. 

Words: 2.1k

A/N: We’re all going to pretend that there is ice skating in Coruscant. Because there should be. Also, Happy Holidays to all of you lovely people. Thank you for supporting me and being my friends <3

“Come on!!” You said, trying to pull your boyfriend up.

“Y/N...” Anakin groaned, “Come back to bed, it’s early and cold!”

Normally, on days you both had off, you’d concede and spend the remainder of your time lounging in each other’s arms. But today was Life Day! You’ve always loved the snow and it was the first Life Day since you and Ani started dating, you weren’t going to waste it. 

“Anakin Skywalker! You are going to get out of bed this instant and spend the day with me.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah. I know, I can see the future.” You joked.

Anakin quirked one of his eyebrows, slightly opening his eyes to look at you. “Hmmm… well, if you’re so good at predicting things, how come you didn’t predict this-”

You squealed as you felt yourself lifted off the ground, the Force pulling you right back into bed. You, however, were having none of it. You immediately jumped back up and away from Anakin’s inviting, warm embrace, knowing that if you caved you’d never leave. 

“Come on!” You repeated, dragging out the last word. 

Anakin threw his head back against the pillows dramatically. “Fine” He was never able to say no to you and you both knew it. If something had the slightest chance of making you happy, he’d do it in a heartbeat. 

You cheered as you successfully pulled him out of bed. You quickly threw his robes at him, his boots in your other hand.

Anakin chuckled. “Eager, aren’t we?”

You just jumped up and down happily as he finished getting ready.

“Alright, come on, love. Where do you want to go?”

“The town!! I want to walk around, look at shit, I dunno! Just- let’s go!”

Your energy was contagious and, before long, the two of you were skipping down the Coruscant streets. Anakin insisted on taking alleyways whenever possible; he wanted to amuse you but didn’t exactly want another Council member to see him grinning like an idiot and laughing hysterically in his secret relationship in the middle of town. You didn’t mind. As long as he was here with you, you didn’t care. 

After walking for another few minutes, you came to an abrupt stop.

“Hey!” Anakin yelped, almost smacking into you. “What the-”

You held up your hand and started pointing excitedly. “Ani, look! Ice skating!! We have to!”

He took one look at you, eyes lit up from excitement and smile bigger than he’s ever seen, and was sold. 

He took your hand and led the two of you to the ice rink. You both laced up your skates, walked onto the ice, and immediately death-gripped the wall. 

“So, Y/N, want to show me how to do this?”

“... I thought you would show me how to do this”

“Why did you assume I knew how to ice skate?!”

“I don’t know! You just- You know things I expected you’d get this! Or like, use the Force or something!”

“You’re the one who suggested this!” Anakin laughed, smiling and shaking his head at your current predicament. The both of you were basically glued to the side of the rink, shuffling forward slowly like two drunk penguins. 

You started laughing, too. You couldn’t help it. Eventually, after spending the next fifteen minutes getting more comfortable with it, you decided to take a risk and only hold on with one hand. 

“Ani, look! I’m doing it!” You were giddy from excitement. 

Anakin chuckled lightly. He loved seeing you like this, so care-free and joyous. 

You came upon a slightly rough spot of ice and skid for a moment, your hand going out to brace you in case you fell. Anakin, ever heroic, jumped into action. 

He called your name and let go of the side of the rink, trying to get to you so you could hold onto him. Emphasis on trying. Instead, he pushed off the side of the rink, was completely unstable, and landed flat on his ass. 

Since it was only a slight skid, you were able to right yourself pretty quickly and without help. So you were pretty surprised when you heard an“Ow!” from behind you.

You turned around and let out an involuntary laugh. Your boyfriend, Anakin Skywalker, powerful and renowned Jedi, was sitting on the floor of the rink, ice in his hair, pouting.

You shuffled back to him and held out a hand. “Are you alright, Ani?” You said, hand coming to comb through his hair. 

Anakin sighed dejectedly and took your hand, face still red from embarrassment.

“...Yeah” 

“You’re an idiot, you know that right?”

“I thought you were going to fall!” He grumbled.

“Anakin, it was like a two second skid, I would have been fine!” You laughed

“I just wanted to protect you��

You looked at him gently. It was true and you knew it. All he’s ever tried to do is protect you. “I know, baby, I know. You’re still moronic, though. But I love you for it.” 

“Yeah, yeah, keep moving, L/N”

You chuckled. “Nice, Skywalker.”

After exiting the rink, you took his hand and walked back to the bench to return your skates. You felt him staring at you. 

“Stop that”

“I’m not doing anything!”

“Yeah! You’re like… looking at me”

Anakin laughed. “So I’m allowed to date you but I can’t look at you? That’ll complicate things”

You playfully smacked his chest. He led you behind the rink and away from prying eyes and, as you tried to squirm away, his arms came around you and he pulled you in for a kiss. You tasted the frost on his breath, making the sensation of his warm lips even more inviting. You lost yourself in the taste of him, in the feel of his tongue and lips against your own. 

You separated for a second, breath mingling as you looked at him. His eyes were soft, snowflakes nestled in his gorgeous hair. His hands cupped your face, thumbs tracing your cheekbones. 

“Hi” You said softly.

“You’re incredible” He replied, reconnecting his mouth with yours. You sighed into him, fingers weaving into his hair as his hands grabbed your waist. You were grinning into the kiss and so was he, your emotions connected as your energies fed off each other. You were so attuned to the other that it was indescribable. You didn’t even need to talk, you simply understood. Understood each other’s minds, bodies, and souls. That level of intimacy- it was all you’d ever wanted. 

“Want to head back?” He asked quietly. Even though you had broken apart from your embrace, Anakin kept his voice low. It was as if everything he said was special, just for you. 

You nodded and picked up his arm, settling it around your shoulder as you put yours around his waist. As you finally returned to your apartment, the two of you flopped onto the bed. The day had exhausted you in the best way. You felt at peace, loved, cherished, and, for once, safe. 

“Did you enjoy our first Life Day together, my love?”

You hummed in content, lacing your fingers with his, twisting to look up at him from your current position. He was sitting against the headboard and you were lying with your back to his chest. His arms wound around your from behind and you rested your hands atop his, absentmindedly running your fingers across his metal ones. 

“I have something for you”

“Anakin, I thought we said no gifts!”

“I know, I know. But I love you and I couldn’t resist.”

He reached into his bed-side table drawer and pulled out a beautiful hand carved pendant. It had the symbol from your home planet on one side and a symbol for Coruscant on the other. You gasped at its beauty, eyeing the intricate details he must have spent hours perfecting.

“Anakin-” You breathed out. “It’s gorgeous, thank you!”

“I wanted it to represent your past and your future. I mean, well, what I hope is your future. I want to spend my life with you. I know the Council forbids it but I am so hopelessly in love with you,” He took a breath, letting his words hang for a moment. “Y/N L/N, what I’m trying to say is that I want you to be my future.”

“I want you to be my future too,” You said, pulling the pendant around your neck. It sat beautifully against your skin and you twirled it around. Seeing your old planet’s symbol, you were reminded of where you grew up. You reminisced, realizing that this feeling of happiness was all your childhood self wanted. As you looked at Coruscant, at its symbol, at the beautiful boy behind you, you were filled with this immense warmth. 

You had a home. 

“I’m sorry for breaking our no-presents rule, my love.” He mumbled in your ear, gently kissing your temple. You leaned into him. 

“It’s alright. I broke it too.” You said sheepishly. Anakin laughed. Of course you did.

You pulled out a poorly wrapped package and plopped it down on the bed. He smiled and you could tell he was excited, even though he didn’t let on to it. Anakin was always surprised when you did something for him even though you told him a million times that you loved him and you wanted to be there for him, just like he was for you. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe you loved him; Maker, there was no doubting your love for each other, it was just that he was always taking care of everyone else. He frequently forgot it went both ways. You, however, were determined to remind him.

Anakin unwrapped the present and just stared at it in shock for a moment. You fidgeted with your hands, wondering if something was wrong. Tentatively, you called his name, bringing him back to the present. He looked up at you and tears had filled his eyes. 

Your eyes widened. “Anakin, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to overstep, I’m so, so sorry-”

He cut you off by pulling you into a bone-crushing embrace, burying his face in your neck. You held onto him and rubbed your hands up and down his back, unsure of what was going on. 

He pulled away and looked deeply into your eyes. “Y/N, I love it.”

“Really?”

“Baby, it’s perfect.”

You let out a sigh of relief. “Thank Kriff, Anakin! You worried me for a second!”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. I was just... processing. I can’t believe you went and made this for me, it must have taken hours!”

You looked at the painting you’d done of Shmi and Anakin at about 8 years old. She was ruffling the sand out of his hair and he was scowling, but clearly appreciative. You always remembered how his eyes lit up when he talked of his mother. You wished, more than anything, that they’d had more time together. 

“I’ve been taking art lessons for a while now and I wanted to do this for you. I know you loved her and how she gave you such moments of goodness in your overall not-so-great childhood. And I hated that you had no tangible reminder of her.” You gestured to the painting, hoping it conveyed the rest of your point.

“How did you-” Anakin was still trying to wrap his head around it. He was so moved, so touched that you valued him this much. He still had some trouble opening up. After being taught for so long to just push it down and suppress his feelings, he was afraid to share those emotions. And now, you come along and don’t just want to listen, you encourage him to talk. He genuinely feels like you care and, honestly, it’s a bit overwhelming. 

“Obi-Wan helped a bit… He dug through some old records, turns out they recorded a bit from when Qui-Gon and he went to Tatooine and met you all those years ago. He let me see it and it just gave me the inspiration I needed. And the rest of the details I filled in based on what you’d told me. I know how much she means to you, Ani. I’m just so glad you like it.”

Anakin looks at you with such love you think it’ll tear you open. “I adore you. Thank you, Y/N, truly. This is- you are everything.” 

“Come here,” You pulled Anakin back into your arms and rocked him back and forth in your embrace. He nuzzled closer to you and you smiled. It seemed you did end up spending Life Day in each other’s arms after all.

------

i just made a taglist so if you want to join...

permanent tags:

@saltybreaddream

anakin tags:

@anakinswhore @chokemeanakin @kennedywxlsh @coldlilheart @gayidioot @adamgetawaydriver 

[flickeringart]

The Megxit Drama

A peek at Meghan Markle’s chart

The British Royal Family has certainly been the subject of dramatic events recently – Prince Harry and Meghan Markle doing an interview with Oprah in order to explain their break with “family”, royal duties and royal life – revealing quite unsavory things sufficient to depict the firm, staff and members of the family in a bad light. Essentially, Meghan was retelling her traumatic experiences of being treated unfairly, feeling trapped, being subjected to racism, getting no help in times of emotional crisis and robbed of freedom, while her husband Harry passively went along confirming all of it. Whatever the truth is, they certainly painted themselves as victims – compassionate and good-natured. They attempted to remain respectful to the people involved in the story, yet if actions speak louder than words, they certainly weren’t particularly “respectful” by throwing the Royal Family under the bus with this interview. The couple has gotten a lot of backlash as people are disinclined to buy their narrative, partly because both seem to be quite self-serving under the guise of selflessness. Meghan made it clear during the interview that she didn’t know much about life as royalty and went into it all surprisingly clueless, almost setting herself up for disappointment. One could assume that by committing to such a structured existence as becoming a royal, that one would do the homework and at the very least expect to give up the privilege of being “an ordinary person” in favor of being of service. The British Monarchy obviously has symbolic value more than anything else, which is not to say that it’s unimportant or trivial. Symbols carry meaning and the Royal Family upholds that meaning through attempting to embody it physically. The members are not supposed to be inflated and begin to believe that they in and of themselves are princes and princesses or whatever titles they are given. They are supposed to serve the titles rather than the titles serving them.  In becoming a part of this symbol of divine reign, one merges with something far greater than the limited self. One serves to uphold an image that is immortal, ancient and has a function in the psyche of the British people. I dare assume that Meghan didn’t fully grasp this concept and went into it all with far more attitude than people would like – perhaps understandably so considering her lack of experience of monarchy. Prince Harry seemingly got pulled along with it all, presumably wanting to rescue his wife from that which killed his mother while piggybacking on the momentum of the situation and metaphorically breaking free from the “limiting container” of the institution. Harry said in the interview that he felt sorry for his father and his brother being trapped by their roles, which seems like a desperate attempt to try to gain some significance, to end up in the role of the hero and avoid living in the “shadow” of more prominent members of the family. People generally seek significance in some way and will come up with the most creative attempts to cast themselves in the role of superiority, whether it’s through victimhood, humility, bravery, sacrifice or anything else that elevates the self in some way. Whether someone’s behavior stems from an attempt to make up for the lack within or not can be hard to spot, but considering the skepticism the interview has been met with – and the scrutiny (and ridicule) that it has been exposed to – it is safe to say that people’s gut feeling tells them that something is not quite right.

(The chart of Meghan Markle on astrotheme.com)

Meghan Markle has been accused of a lot of things, of twisting the truth, of exaggerating in order to further her own agenda, of being self-serving and manipulative. Some call her “narcissistic” – which is the “usual” label thrown at anyone who lacks genuine care for others, stirs up drama and drags other people through the mud in order to benefit themselves. However, her behavior might not be intentional, but compulsive. After all, no one is 100% sure of why they’re the way they are, whether it’s deemed good or bad by society at large. Where the line is drawn between intentional and unintentional is unclear, yet the odors of shady business and dishonorable motives can be sensed – and people don’t usually like being “sold” something that isn’t what it seems. Generally people don’t appreciate being deceived, which is obviously why the backlash has been so extreme.

She has quite a charming and radiating outer appearance, which is typical of someone with their Sun in the 1st, and in its domicile at that. She also has the sweet and innocent “puppy eyed” look of a Cancer Rising, which displays emotion and vulnerability. It’s not surprising that she pursued an acting career before meeting Harry. The spotlight-seeking Leo Sun in the 1st house of self, the Moon-Saturn-Jupiter stellium in the artistic sign of Libra in the 3rd house of communication and (inter)action, as well as the boundless imaginative Neptune in the 5th house of creativity all contribute to the personality of the actress. Considering that she has an emphasis on Leo and Libra, it’s safe to say that she was in it for the refinement, admiration and class that being an actress could provide. She thrives on positive attention, and is undoubtedly sensitive to discord. With a Cancer Rising and a Libra Moon, she craves gentility and fairness, for everything to be “ok” socially. Cancer is a cardinal sign, and although it’s quite emotional, it’s also very active and motivated to create safety for the self. It does this by avoiding direct confrontation, of appealing to people’s caring side. There’s nothing wrong with this, but people might feel as if the Cancer Rising person’s innocence is “put on”. In the interview, Meghan had no problem displaying her own weakness and emphasizing her own vulnerability. She used these attributes to gain esteem, whereas another person of a different nature, with different archetypes protruding, would’ve felt humiliated leading life with that energy. Her Moon is her chart ruler, which makes her emotions the primary focus – in other words her subjective experiences, mutual care, needs and requirements is particularly emphasized in her life. The Moon is in Libra, the cardinal air sign that strives for balance and justice and awareness - especially as it relates to interpersonal relationships. Libra is famous for wanting to keep everything “civilized” and “respectful”. The tight Moon-Saturn-Jupiter conjunction in this sign points to emotional exaggeration (Jupiter) and restriction (Saturn). By entering into a relationship/business deal (Libra) she experienced harshness around her emotions (Moon-Saturn) on a grand scale (Jupiter). On a side note, Capricorn rules the 7th house, indicating that she encounters discipline and structure through partnership. The institution and structure (Saturn) that she entered into through her marriage with Harry (Capricorn in the 7th) would challenge her emotions (Moon) and it put limits on her freedom (Jupiter-Saturn) and affected her overall health (Sagittarius in the 6th).

Meghan has an Aries Midheaven, indicating that her career involves breaking new territory, doing her own thing, leading her own way. This usually doesn’t go over very well when attempting to work for authority. The person usually becomes frustrated and eager to venture out on his or her own. This is exactly what has happened. Her Moon-Saturn-Jupiter conjunction in Libra opposes her MC in Aries, which perfectly points to her attempts to keep things civil and non-aggressive (Libra), while coming off as selfish and individualistic to the public (Aries). Aries as a sign is famous for not listening to anyone and moving into unpaved territory, which she certainly has accomplished. The public now sees her as someone who goes her own way – doing her own thing and standing up for herself, for better or for worse. Her Mars is in Cancer, which is why her aggression isn’t direct and rather passively expressed. She has the stereotypical female aggressiveness that implies playing on one’s weakness and hurt in order to wear down the target. It’s also in the 12th house, which hints to it being disowned by the conscious personality. Meghan might have a hard time conceptualizing of herself as a force of impact and might not see how her pent up frustration might become an enemy to herself. She has complained about feeling attacked by the media and this is classic of a 12th house Mars attributing aggressiveness to anything but the self. Attack and unpleasantness seem to flood the person from the unspecified sources, and it can arguable be a horrific experience. In the interview she mentioned feeling suicidal at one point and desperate to not be alone with the threat coming from the outside, her own mind, or both. It’s difficult to attribute the cause to any single factor with planets in the 12th. Mars squares her MC and her Moon-Saturn-Jupiter conjunction which indicates struggle in the psyche concerning her emotional involvement with structure and beliefs, vs. her public image vs. her own fighting spirit. She certainly has confronted and challenged established structure (Mars square Saturn), albeit with an attempt to be “respectful” resulting in a passive-aggressive understanding of everyone’s difficulties and struggles.

The thing that drew her to The Royal Family in the first place must’ve been her Libran urge for class, style, aestheticism and beauty. She undoubtedly found it glamorous and exciting to get to be in the spotlight, to be respected as part of something elevated and glamorous in nature. She probably has a need for spiritual meaning, indicated by her Moon-Jupiter contact – and to have her daily work based on sharing “truth” and “generous” disposal of knowledge gained through experience (Sagittarius in the 6th). She also craves structure and order indicated by her Moon-Saturn contact, which she pursued through partnership (Capricorn in the 7th) with a member of a family with unparalleled saturnian streaks of tradition, custom and regulations. To establish herself within the family would not have been such a terrible idea for her because it could’ve met all of her needs for purpose and order. However, her Mars in the 12th house didn’t allow for this plan to work. One could say that her own self-serving function rebelled after having yielded to outside influences for too long. Planets in the 12th house are usually “given up” to whatever circumstance one is in – which often results in the person acting through being “overcome” by something - pushed into a position of having to act. Meghan declared feeling imposed on by the outside, emotionally unsafe and unwell. The 12th house is the house of self-undoing after all, and her actions might’ve proven to be quite detrimental - perhaps continuing to be. Square aspects, as that between her Mars and Moon-Saturn-Jupiter conjunction stimulates action because it’s indicative of friction. She had to fight (Mars) for her needs (Moon), control and integrity (Saturn) and for her beliefs (Jupiter).

[collecting-stories]

The House Party - ep.03 - JJ Maybank

Summary: Things start to heat up as the week reaches its midway point and you make a decision that changes everything.

A/N: Mild smut at the very end of the chapter. 

The S’week Masterlist | Outer Banks Masterlist

///

You weren’t sure how many times you would have to brush your teeth to get the taste of last night out of your mouth but the three times you already had clearly weren’t enough. It wasn’t alcohol, in fact you’d woken up more sober than you expected to be, almost leaning off the edge of your bed, tucked into your blanket, with JJ laying on top of the bedding beside you. It was all very ‘one motel bed’ trope-ish but you’d both been so exhausted last night that you couldn’t even enjoy the implications of it. An ice cube tray of melted aloe vera sat on the night stand and you brought it down with you to the kitchen to refreeze when you decided coffee might help the taste that wouldn’t leave your mouth. 

To put it the only way you knew how, a way JJ would have definitely put it, you tasted kook trash every time you swallowed and it wasn’t going to go away anytime soon, at least not while Rafe was two houses down from you. 

“Morning,” Pope voice half startled you as you entered the kitchen to find him sitting at the island eating cereal. 

“How is it possible that you look so normal?” You asked, grabbing a bowl for some cereal yourself. Breakfast was a good distraction from your phone and the taste in your mouth. 

“You mean as opposed to John B and Sarah who decided to parent trap it on a floatie in the pool?” He asked, turning for emphasis to look outside where your best friend and her boyfriend were indeed asleep on a floatie in the pool. 

“Exactly.” 

“I’m not a big drinker.” He shrugged. “What about you?”

“Am I a big drinker?” You asked. 

“No, how did you end the night?” 

You nodded your head slowly, realising what he was getting at with his question. “JJ was sick, I figured it was better to come back here than make him stay at the party.” 

“Sure.” He agreed though it sounded empty, “did you hook up?” 

“What?” 

“Look, I know how JJ parties, he’s my best friend. And I know what his ‘senior week plans’ were before Sarah hijacked them to come down here. I wouldn’t put it past him to alter them. You know, have sex with as many girls as he can in the keys. Host included.”

“We didn’t have sex.” You replied. 

He stared at you for a full minute, not saying anything, as if the look on his face alone would crack you into admitting some misdeed. And it probably would have if any had occurred. 

“We didn’t have sex, I swear to god.” You reiterated. “It is what I said it is. JJ was throwing up in the bathroom and I brought him back here so he could rest. That’s all that happened.” 

“With JJ.” Pope scoffed. 

“Whoa, where’s the displaced animosity coming from...pretty sure you’re in my house.” 

“Yeah and JJ is my best friend. I don’t want you stringing him along for the week cause you’re bored and you wanna make your ex jealous or something.” Pope replied.

“You literally just got done telling me that JJ wanted to sleep his way around s’week but I’m the bad guy in your head because of some proposed plan I have to ‘make my ex jealous’?” You questioned. “That’s un-fucking-believable.”

“It would be if I hadn’t seen you in the hallway with your ex right before you left with JJ.” 

“You’re delusional. My ex who? Just cause I was talking to some guy-“

“You weren’t talking and it was Rafe.” 

You shut your mouth, lips pressed together in a line as you tried to think of something to say. Sure, it was common knowledge amongst your friend group that you and Rafe had been hooking up for the better part of two years but that was over and you really didn’t think it was the kind of thing that pogues talked about. And you trusted Sarah not to have blabbed about it to anyone else. 

“How’d you know-“ 

“How’d I know you and Rafe were a thing? Sarah’s not the only one here that knows you. I’ve seen him at your house before when I delivered groceries, not so hard to put two and two together.” 

“Well me and Rafe are over.” 

“You didn’t look over.” Pope challenged. 

“Oh well, thank you for interpreting two fucking minutes of my life and deciding how I feel about something.” You snapped, “I didn’t want him to kiss me okay, I told him to leave me alone. It shouldn’t come as a surprise to you that the word no isn’t exactly a part of his vocab.”

Before Pope could say anything back the sound of footsteps on the stairs caught your attention. Both of you looked toward the staircase in time to see JJ appear, shirtless with just a pair of swim shorts on. His shoulders and chest were red but not as burnt as his back, which you caught a glimpse of as he trudged passed you, not in the high spirits he had been yesterday morning. 

“Dude, your back looks painful.” Pope commented, staring at the expanse of angry red skin that looked more ready to blister than anything. 

“It feels painful too.” JJ grumbled. So far he was 0-3 with vacation. He was stuck in this kook house (which really wasn’t so bad but he enjoyed bitching about it), he was sunburnt to hell, and he’d wasted an entire night of partying throwing up from sun-poisoning (though that worked out in his favour too because he definitely enjoyed the part where he sat on your bed and you rubbed aloe ice cubes on his back and basically took care of him). 

“Guess the beach is out of the question?” Pope asked, getting up to put his bowl in the sink. 

“I can go to the beach.” 

“You definitely can’t.” You replied, coming around to look at JJ’s back. He was sitting on one of the stools, slumped over. “You shouldn’t get anymore direct sun on your back.” 

“Oh cool, I’m so glad I came all the way down to fucking Florida to sit in a house all day and do shit.” 

“Sorry man,” Pope said, though he made no offer to stay at the house. Yesterday had been great and he was looking forward to going to the beach again today with Kiara. John B and Sarah had mentioned tagging along but he knew they’d eventually go off to do their own thing. 

“We could go to the boardwalk?” You offered, ignoring the look that Pope sent your way. You knew he was just being a good friend, looking out for someone he cared about, and it made you wish that Sarah knew enough to do the same for you. 

“What will we do on the boardwalk?” JJ asked, curious enough that he wasn’t immediately rejecting the idea. 

“There’s a water park there and an arcade, plus you know, tons of food.” You shrugged, “I know you wanna go to the beach-“

“I can be persuaded.”

“I think you already have been.” Pope commented. 

The three of you turned your attention to the stairs as Kiara came down, already dressed for the beach. When she saw the three of you in various states of sleepwear she rolled her eyes, “hey Kie be ready early so we can all go to the beach together.” 

“Technically, Sarah said that and she’s passed out in the pool still.” Pope replied, pointing out the glass doors to where the floatie was still carrying John B and Sarah on the water. 

“Let’s wake ‘em up then.” JJ slipped passed you, winking, before he ran outside, jumping into the pool and landing directly on top of John B and Sarah. 

You, Pope, and Kiara rushed to the doors in time to see the floatie flip over, all three teens going under as Sarah shrieked and John B tried to grab any part of the inflatable raft. Sarah surfaced immediately after JJ, throwing her body on him and wrapping her arms around his neck as she tried to push him under. 

“You asshole!” She screamed when JJ ducked under the water, twisting in her arms and grabbing her waist so that he could throw her off him. 

You watched them for a minute longer, as John B finally got involved, before heading back into the house and going upstairs to change. You’d left your phone plugged in the bathroom outlet while you were sitting with JJ and you picked it up now to check your messages. Two from Rafe and one, unsurprisingly, from Topper. It’d been him at the end of the hall that called Rafe away from you. 

-You okay?- was all the text said and you quickly responded. 

-Nothing happened. Thx-

You deleted the messages from Rafe without looking at them. You could hear everyone come in the kitchen, footsteps on the stairs as John B, Sarah, and JJ came up to change. You pulled on a crop top and some shorts, pocketing your phone before hurrying downstairs. 

Kiara and Pope were back to hanging around the island, talking to each other about their plans as you entered. 

“Hey, do you guys wanna meet up later on the boardwalk?” Kiara asked, “we could do dinner or something?”

“Sounds good to me.” You replied, grabbing your backpack from the chair and making sure that you had everything you needed. “There’s a pizza place near the South street entrance that has incredible food, plus it’s super cheap.” 

“I do love cheap food.” 

-

You had locked your shorts and your backpack in the rented locker of the water park along with JJ’s backpack before the two of you headed for any of the rides. Both your phones locked away in your backpack, cutting you both off from the rest of the world for however long JJ felt like staying at the water park. 

“So? Where to first?” You asked as JJ stopped in front of a mounted map of the park. It wasn’t as big as Dorney or Six Flags but it was pretty expansive for being an extension of the boardwalk. 

“Shush, I’m consulting the map.” 

“Consult the bones,” you said and JJ laughed, casting you a glance before going back to the map. 

“Come on,” he grabbed your hand suddenly, having zeroed in on a ride titled the constrictor, 450 feet of enclosed water slide and the two of you were going down it. 

He weaved his way through the crowd of people, leading you closer and closer to the line for the slide. Most people were at the beach on the weekdays which meant a shorter wait line, something JJ was happy about. It was bad enough he was spending his day at some dumb water park with you, he didn’t want to have to wait in line too. Although, he hadn’t let your hand go yet. 

“Should I mention before or after we ascend these stairs that I have a mild fear of heights?” You asked, taking the raft that was offered to you by the water park employee. 

“It’s fine,” JJ assured you, “here go ahead of me.” 

“How does this help?” You asked as you stepped in front of him onto the first stair. 

JJ shifted his raft under his arm, pressing it against his body and holding onto the railing while he used his other hand to hold you, fingers brushing the skin above your bikini bottoms as he held your waist. “See.”

You bit your lip and took a deep breath, “yeah I see.” 

The rest of the way up the stairs JJ kept his hand on either your waist or your back. He wasn’t too thrilled with heights either though focusing on the peach bikinis bottoms you wore, little pineapples polkadotting them. He could imagine you totally smacking him in the face of you knew but he’d take his chances. 

As sly as he might’ve thought he was being you knew he was looking. When you turned around at the first platform before the stairs twisted you caught him looking down, eyes darting up quickly when he realized you were looking at him. You didn’t say anything, just turned back around so he wouldn’t see the satisfied smile on your face.  

“You ready for this?” JJ asked as you stepped onto the final platform, JJ stepping up behind you.

“I’ll see you at the bottom Maybank.” You replied, stepping over to your slide while JJ got set up at his.  

You liked waterparks for the lazy rivers and the wave pools and those crazy contraptions for kids that looked like towering pipes and dumped water on you. Even the log flume was fun. But giant enclosed slides that shot you through winding loops for endless feet until finally dumping you in a pool? Not your favorite. But as you looked over at JJ, who flashed you a thumbs up, you were having trouble thinking about the things you didn’t like.  

The slide was over before you knew it and you were climbing out of the pool, JJ standing on the side waiting for you. “How did you beat me?”  

“I’m like speed racer,” he said, making a wooshing sound as he glided one hand under the other like a wave.  

“Well, speedracer, what next?” You asked, taking off your soaked shirt and wringing it out as you followed JJ back to the map. “Are we consulting the map again?”

“What you think I memorized it?” He asked, looking back over his shoulder at you and grabbing your hand when a woman with a stroller tried to squeeze between the two of you.  

-

By the time you and JJ met up with Kiara and Pope and made it back to the house Sarah was already setting up for a party. John B had obviously been enlisted to help as he was trying to adhere light stripes at the top of the wall in the living room.  

“What’d you do rob a liqour store?” You asked, grabbing the leg of the ladder he was on when he leaned to far to the left.

“Feels like it.” John B replied, “Sarah filled a cart. We’re either having a party or she’s turning into everyone’s alcoholic grandmother.”  

“We’re having a party!” Sarah called, coming in from the pool area, “it’s exactly what we need.”

“Why do we need to host a party?” Kiara asked, looking back at JJ and Pope but they just shrugged, obviously not willing to get involved.

“Because morale is low here people.” Sarah replied, “and it’s senior week, duh.”

“Duh.” You repeated, raising your eyebrows and grinning at JJ who laughed. Sarah watched the interaction skeptically, as far as she knew John B’s best friend had complained of nothing but a bad time. Now he was joking with you like the two of you were friends.

“Can I talk to you,” she grabbed your arm to pull you out of the room, “Pope hold the ladder!”

“Oh cool the bathroom.” You muttered as she dragged you into the hall powder room, shutting the door behind her and trapping the two of you in the crammed space. “What’s up?”

“What’s up? What’s going on with you and JJ?”  

“Didn’t we do this literally yesterday?” You questioned, “I said then and I'll say now, JJ and I are barely friends.”

“Except when I texted Kie earlier cause I couldn’t get a hold of you she said you and JJ were on the boardwalk together.”

“Oh, oh my god Sarah, you’re right, something is clearly ‘going on’ because I went on the boardwalk with someone instead of just ignoring the people living in my house.” You rolled your eyes at her accusation that something was going on though you sincerely hoped something was.  

When she finally released you from the bathroom the two of you resumed getting ready before you changed into something more appropriate for the party. NC parties were slow going in the early hours until they finally picked up, mostly just crowds of people crammed in an empty rental or spread out on the beach. House parties in the Keys happened a little more erratically. People showed up while it was still light out, hanging around the pool drinking and shit talking until it got dark and they all migrated inside, drunk off their asses and louder than necessary.  

You had moved the table and chairs in the dining room and pushed all the furniture back in the living room for good reason because the minute the sun went down it felt like everyone was spilling back into the house for part 2. You were in the kitchen, ignoring most everyone there, watching JJ set up a shot for Kiara.  

“Is it lime and then salt or salt and then lime?” He asked, glancing at you.  

You were leaned against the counter beside him and Kiara was on the other side with Pope, who already said twice he wanted no part in this. “Lime first, how else does the salt stick right? I don’t remember...I know how to do a body shot.”

“Are you offering?” The grin on JJ’s face as he asked had you practically melting in your spot.

“Guys!” Kiara leaned across the island, snapping her fingers, “can we please just do the shot!”

“Right, sorry.” You apologized, grabbing the bottle of tequila to pour for them.  

While the three of you were talking Pope spun in his chair, observing the louder parts of the party that was raging on the first floor. There were a few people lingering in the kitchen with you, mostly to be closest to the alcohol, but otherwise everyone was contained to the living room, dining room, and pool. When he looked out the glass doors to the pool area he frowned, “hey guys, look who showed up.”

You looked out the door to see Topper on the patio chatting with some local. “I’ll be right back.”

“Can we just enjoy the party?” Pope called though you were already slipping out the door.

“Top,” you called not caring that you were interrupting him, “can I talk to you?”

He apologized to the girl before placing his hand on your back and leading you further away from the party, stopping once the two of you had stepped onto the sand path down to the beach. “Look, someone texted Rafe about the party alright.”

“Well I don’t want you guys here.” You replied, “you weren’t invited by me and it’s my house.”

“Hey come on, you know me alright, I’m not trying to start anything-”

“Doesn’t sound like the Topper I know.”  

“That wasn’t me alright, Sarah made me a little crazy, I'll admit. But I’m over that.” Topper replied. “I don’t understand why you and Rafe broke up and suddenly you can’t hang with any of us.”

“Are you still friends with Rafe?”  

“That’s not fair, we’ve been-”

“I don’t care. You know what happened. You want me to be friends with you Top? After what you and Kelce did. Look, thanks for last night but I don’t need your guilty conscience looking out for me. I need you to get your boys and get the fuck out my house.”

“Putting on the tough act for Topper?” Rafe’s voice came from behind you and you closed your eyes, jaw tensing at the sound.  

“It’s fine man, we’re just talking.” Topper replied, stepping closer to you.  

You opened your eyes and turned around to see Rafe and Kelce standing there, “actually I will tell you the same thing I told Top, get the fuck off my property.”  

“Damn,” Rafe whistled, “you start hanging with the pogues and suddenly you think you’re tough shit.”

“Hey man, let’s just forget it.” Topper said, getting between you and Rafe.

Rafe put his hand on Topper’s shoulder, guiding him out of the way, “you go ahead, I need to talk to my girlfriend.”

“Ex-girlfriend.” You replied, “I said we were done and I meant it.”  

Pope had been watching you talk to Topper from the kitchen door and when he saw Rafe and Kelce join the two of you on the catwalk he’d broken up JJ and Kiara’s shot game to tell them something was going down and you were out there alone.

“Maybe she’s just talking to them.” Kiara shrugged, “I mean, she is a kook. Her and Rafe used to date too so...”

“She dated Rafe?” JJ asked, eyes wide at the implication.

“Oh yeah, she broke it off a couple times but they always got back together.  Sarah told me she thinks they might get back together again.”

Pope frowned, thinking of the way you had looked this morning when he accused you of doing just that, “I don’t think so. We should make sure she’s okay.”

“I’ll get John B.” Kiara replied, making her way to the living room to find John B and Sarah.  

JJ and Pope meanwhile, headed outside, coming up behind Kelce just as you told Rafe that you were never getting back together with him. You saw the two of them passed Kelce’s shoulder and your best at a subtle shake of the head, a silent ‘please go back inside’. But Topper saw them too and alerted Rafe to their presence.  

“Kelce wasn’t lying Maybank, you really have turned into a guard dog haven’t you.” Rafe said, turning his full attention on JJ. Topper pulled you to the other side of the path and pushed you behind him as Kiara, Sarah, and John B walked up.  

“Fuck off Rafe, you aren’t welcome here.” Kiara cut in before JJ could reply.  

“I didn’t know you owned the place.” Kelce challenged.

“I already fucking told you to go!” You said, “so go!”

Rafe only smiled, looking at JJ still, “what pair you guys make man. A bitch and her dog.”

Without warning JJ lunged forward, shoving Rafe back and swinging, trying to punch him. When Kelce tried to grab him John B intervened, getting Kelce in a choke hold. It took a second for all six of the boys to become involved in the fight as Kiara urged Sarah to call the cops. Rafe punched JJ, sending him back into the sand and getting on top of him, hitting him repeatedly while Topper held off Pope and John B and Kelce fought with each other.

“Stop it,” Kiara grabbed at Topper, trying to pull him off Pope and Sarah just stood there frozen.  

You went for Rafe, trying to push him off JJ. When you grabbed his arm he pulled away only to throw his elbow back, colliding with your stomach and sending you to the ground. It was all the momentum that JJ seemed to need to shove Rafe off him and get the upper hand, kicking him in the stomach a couple times.  

“Get the fuck out!” He shouted, spitting on your ex-boyfriend.  

Topper let go of Pope and grabbed Rafe’s arm, helping him up and pulling him away, Kelce breaking away from John B and following them back to theirs, away from the party. The six of you stood there in silence, trying to process what had just happened.

“Some party.” Pope finally said and Kiara glared at him.  

“Didn’t I say this week would be shit.” JJ said, looking over at you before turning and heading out toward the beach.  

“Let’s just go back inside.” Sarah pleaded.  

“Why were they even here?” Pope asked, casting a glance your way.

“Topper said someone texted Rafe about the party.” You said, “could have been anyone...he’s been down here with me before, he knows some of my Keys friends.”

“Whatever,” Kiara cut in, “we have three days left and I would love if we could just, not see them again for 72 hours. Is that possible?”

“I hope so.”

-

“I had a feeling you’d still be out here.” You said, walking up behind JJ on the beach. The light from the houses behind you did little to illuminate the night. The waves were lapping up the sand at JJ’s feet and he made no sign that he even knew you were there. You dropped the blanket you had around your shoulders and sat down, not bothering to straighten out the corners. “I know you’re pissed-“

“I’m not pissed.” He said, digging his heels in further. “I just...you and Rafe, seriously?” 

“It was different, at the beginning.”

“That’s just an excuse.”

“Maybe but...I was 14 when we first started dating and I really thought he liked me. But, he just liked that I was insecure and he tries to remind me of that every time he sees me.” You explained. “Rafe being down here doesn’t change what happened at the water park, I didn’t just kiss you because of him.” 

It’d happened during the lazy river ride that you had forced JJ to go on. He had spent most of the ride pushing your innertube with his foot and trying to tip you until it finally happened and you went over, sputtering to the surface and trying to grab at your inflatable tube as passersby tried to avoid the two of you. You’d pushed his innertube over in retaliation and he’d abandoned it to grab you and try to dunk you underwater.

Serendipitous maybe, as you twisted in his arms, turning to face him, he’d leaned down and kissed you.  

“He keeps showing up.”

“I didn’t invite him.” 

JJ looked back at you before rubbing the heel of his hand across his cheeks and sniffing to get rid of the literal waterworks he’d been two seconds away from. This wasn’t the vacation he had signed up for. And maybe there had been some good parts so far but the complicated bits were starting to outweigh everything else. Still, he shifted back so he could sit on the blanket with you; a step in the right direction you hoped. 

“What’s in the bag?” He asked, looking over at the backpack you’d carried all the way out here with you. 

“I didn’t think you would want to go back to the party so I brought the party with me.” You replied, unzipping the main compartment to reveal the alcohol you had swiped from the house. “I don’t know if you wanna party with me-“

“Shut up and pass me a beer.” 

You smiled, grabbing a beer from the bag and handing it to JJ. Without warning he grabbed your wrist and pulled you toward him, leaning back on his other elbow as he did. You caught yourself, pressing your hand into the blanket to hold yourself up and realizing you were hovering over him. 

“I, uh-“ you stammered, licking your lips briefly before JJ let go of your wrist and put his hand on the back of your neck, leading you into a kiss. You kissed back, ignoring the feeling of the beer bottle cap scratching your hand as you shifted to be closer to JJ, moving your knee between his legs so you were almost straddling him. 

“Are you sure?” You asked when you pulled away to move your hand from the beer bottle. You frowned when you glanced at it, holding it up so JJ could see the cut. He took your wrist, kissing over the small cut on your palm. “I’m not really good at casual things,” you admitted.  

“Is that what this is?”

You shook your head before leaning in to kiss him again. While you held yourself up with the hand that had been cut by the beer bottle your other hand moved to JJ’s stomach, fingers slipping beneath his shirt and dancing along the soft skin of his abdomen, just above his shorts. His grip on the back of your neck tightened ever so slightly as he held your face to his, pulling out of the kiss for the briefest of moments to look at you, “Are you sure?” He repeated your question though it had a different meaning.

“Yeah.” You nodded. It was dead on the beach this time of night and you were far enough down toward the water that no one could really see you from the houses though that didn’t stop this from being the most daring thing you’d ever done.  

JJ shifted so that he was laying back on the blanket, pushing the backpack away from his body as you straddled his waist. His hands went to your hips, running over your ass and settling on the backs of your thighs when you leaned all the way forward to kiss him, bodies practically pressed together. You kissed along his jaw and down his neck, sucking a bruise into his skin. JJ’s breathing picked up as your right hand moved between your bodies, fingers unbuttoning and unzipping his shorts before you slipped your hand beneath them, grasping him. JJ bit down on his lip as he moaned, the sound coming up from his chest.

You pulled away from him, cool air rushing between your bodies as you sat back on your heels. He watched you, heart pounding in his chest, as you put your hands on the waistband of his shorts, ready to pull them down, “God, why are you not in a swimsuit.”

“Excuse me for not knowing I was gonna get lucky on the beach.”

“I’m gonna leave you on the beach for saying that,” you teased.  

JJ’s hands held you in a vice grip, squeezing your hips, “not a chance.” He replied. He ran his hands up your sides to the hem of your bralette, fingers nudging the fabric up and you caught on to what he wanted, obliging him by lifting the top up over your head and tossing it to the side.  

Your original plan of action went to hell though you could be upset when JJ wrapped his arms around your back and sat himself up, knocking you back and laying you down so he could hover over you. You wrapped your arms around his shoulders as he kissed you.  

“That was a neat trick.” You managed as he mirrored the hickey you’d left on him on your own neck. He smiled against your skin as his right hand moved across your stomach, fingers brushing against the underside of your breast. His mouth travelled down from your neck, kissing between your breasts before moving to the left, tongue darting out to flick over your nipple. His fingers twisted your other nipple at the same time and you tensed, hips shooting up to try and create some friction with his own. He sucks another bruise into your skin, just below your left breast before moving back up to kiss you.  

The new position made it easier to get his shorts and briefs down and you manage to push them down to his thighs after you rid yourself of your own shorts. JJ leans his forehead against your collar, looking down at you with a sly smile. “No underwear?”

“I was in a hurry to get dressed.” You insisted, “now shut up.”

“I’m not the chatty one.”  

“I’m not - holy shit!” You cursed as he slipped his hand between your thighs, coating his fingers before rubbing your clit. His middle finger circled the bundle of nerves before slipping down inside of you, just barely offering anything before repeating the cycle. When he kissed you he slipped his tongue in your mouth and you bit down gently, not enough to hurt him but enough to getting him going.  

You tried to press yourself up into his hand but he pushed you down, slick fingers digging into your skin as he pressed you against the blanket. You whimpered when he pushed his hips into yours, his dick rubbing over your clit and you grip his hair as he tilts his head down to kiss and nip at your breasts again.  

“Please, Jay,” you begged, unashamed and completely oblivious to your surroundings as he lined himself up and thrust in to you. He stilled for a moment once he was completely in, savoring the feeling of you until you tugged his hair. “Move.”

“God, you’re so desperate for me.” He teased, kissing beneath your chin and along your neck.  

Finally he moves, thrusting into you. His pace quickens and you wrap your arms around him, digging your fingers into his back. He groans from the almost pain of the feeling, his hips hitting yours harder to give back as much as you’re giving him. You pulled him closer so that you could kiss him again. You’d be lying if you said that you had been on edge with JJ all day. That every touch and smile, the kiss in the lazy river, it all felt like foreplay as he thrust into you now, slipping his hand between your legs to rub your clit as he did, pushing you closer to the edge.  

“JJ,” you whimpered, muscles in your stomach clenching as you felt yourself approaching your high.  

JJ pressed his face into your neck, biting again at your collar, “I know,” was all he said, repeating it again when the rhythm he’d built up wavered slightly as he felt his own release approaching, “I know.”

One hand fisted the blanket beneath you as your release hit. You came, his name the only thing you could think of, and he came right after, the feeling of you tightening around him enough to pull an orgasm out of him. JJ held himself up on one arm, trembling above you, still connected as his hips still, his eyes on yours.  

You sucked in a breath as he kissed the tender skin of your collar, red from his teeth, “have you ever gone skinny dipping?” You asked.

“Not in the Keys.” He replied, letting his upper body fall against you as well, all of him pressing into you.  

“When I can move again...want to?”

-

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[exciting]

As requested, books / series I read in 2020 in the order I read them, with a few brief thoughts. (This took me a hot second because there are a few and also I moved cities) Should I keep a consistent goodreads? Yes I should but I didn’t think of that at the time, so bone apple teeth & sorry if I offend you abt your faves x

P.S. I can’t figure out how to do a read more on mobile so long post ahead!

A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J Maas - This is one of the most vivid published fantasy books I have ever read... I read it twice in rapid succession. The fandom POPS off. I must say I have issues with certain aspects e.g. fae lore completely ignored à la Twilight, all love interests 500+ years old and technically a different species, etc (I’m not going to deconstruct the entire series here but just know that I could... Nesta deserves better)

Cruel Prince by Holly Black - This fucking slaps, HB clearly has done her research, the lore is near immaculate, and it explores the Fae in such a unique way, tying it to the modern world subtly and seamlessly. My only qualm was that the books felt quite short; truly wish there had been more content.

Throne of Glass by Sarah J Maas (6/7) - So basically I read this in one single, hyperfixated fit which meant I literally locked myself in my room for three days straight and read all six books back to back in a row from morning to the wee hours. Which is not to say it was spectacular; although it was a VERY rich world, sometimes it was too much... this felt like 6 stories in one. Ik she was young when she wrote this but it is my humble opinion that SJM needs a better editor & I personally think Rowan is a grade A asshole / straight up abusive (& personally think the ACOTAR Tamlin plot was born from that?). It’s good but not as good as ACOTAR. Skip-read the last book. 

Grishaverse (Shadow and Bone) by Leigh Bardugo (3) - This is essential to read before SOC but was very much simply a YA fantasy book, although the world was cool and the way the love plot played out was, imo, a subtle middle finger to the fantasy trope. Felt very much aimed at younger readers though? Really liked the sandwhich structure of the Proluge and Epilogue, especially in #2

Six of Crows series by Leigh Bardugo (2) - INCREDIBLE continuation of Grishaverse, better than the original series by a mile. It has the range, the diversity, the representation (the male lead is a disabled asexual and still the most cunning of the entire cast of characters), the plot is phenomenal, and it manages such a well rounded plot in only two books which means nothing is stretched out or squeezed in more than need be. Deserves all the praise it gets.

King of Scars series by Leigh Bardugo (0.5/1) - Personally I don’t consider this book canon, and while it’s nice to see the rest of Nina’s journey & the world again & everyone else, I don't like it. I will, however, be reading book 2 when it comes out, so shame on me, I suppose.

Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo (1/1) - this was incredibly cool although it went off in a completely different direction than I thought it would based off the first few chapters? One of my favourite YA-author-debuts-New-Adult novels in 2020 though!

Crescent City by Sarah J Maas (1/1) - This was supposed to be SJM/s New Adult debut, although personally I would put her other series in New Adult, and I can’t say a remarkable amount was different with this except they said “fuck” and “ass” a lot. WHY is the romantic interest 500 years old AGAIN. I just... don’t... I just don’t think it was necessary... the world was cool though, and the last half of the book was riveting, but the beginning was quite slow and I thought the sword thing was predictable. I am interested to see where this goes though.

A Darker Shade of Magic by V.E. Schwab (3) - This world is so fucking cool... four Londons aka parallel universes & the one in ‘our’ world is set in industrial era London. Magic, girls dressing up as boys, thieves, pirates, royalty... it all just slaps. Schwab is an incredible writer & I was completely immersed.

Midnight Sun by SMeyer - I didn’t think anything could possibly detract even further from the Twilight story but I was sorely mistaken... seeing the stalking from Edward’s POV - and it was worse than depicted in Twilight, for the record - completely obliterated any sort of romance the first half of the original book may have portrayed. I still hold the opinion that the entire series would have been better if some kind of vampire lore had been abided by, if only to see all of the villains thwarted by someone dropping a bag of rice on the ground, forcing them to have to count them all.

An ember in the Ash by Sabaa Tahir  (3/4) - This was just a very stereotypical ya fantasy series, emphasis on the YOUNG... it wasn’t anything to write home about but I remember quite enjoying it at the time. 

The Power by Naomi Alderman - This book is FUCKING incredible and EXCEPTIONALLY thought provoking... essentially women alone develop a power of electric shock etc. and then take over the world from men, and it explores feminism and the balance between equality & tipping the scales in the other direction. Written by a friend of M.Atwood in a similar tone to handmaids tale, I would say? Content warning; there are some exceptionally graphic scenes in the latter half of the novel. 

Hamlet by Wllm Shksp - I can’t believe it took me this long to finally read it but Ophelia is my favourite name in the entire world & we love to see a woman go batshit (although she didn’t deserve that). 

Catherine House by Elisabeth Thomas - this was unsettling in the best sense of the word... it was a little slow & honestly more of a concept than a big reveal, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it after I finished it? A Secret History vibes but make it blurry like the memory of all those dystopian novels you read when you were young?

The Invisible Life of Addie La Rue by V.E. Schwab - This is without a doubt my book of the year, and probably the best book I read in 2020? I stayed up all night on a friend’s couch reading it, got a book hangover and reread the ending, and then thrust it upon my mother who doesn’t usually read but read this, and loved it just as much. HIGHLY recommend and you HAVE to read it, it’s beautiful and endearing and just plain wonderful.

Captive Prince by C.S. Pacat (3/3) - I went into this knowing it was going to be terrible, because I had received a blow by blow telling me as much; although I must say that it did learn a remarkable amount of new words, the books did get better as the series went on, and it did have a rather charming ending? BIG content warning for almost everything.

Sapiens by Yuval Harari - mind-expanding & must recommend for everyone, there is everything in this and I daresay everyone should posses this kind of knowledge? I listened to it as an audiobook (which I recommend because it’s rather hearty) but will be buying this in hardcopy & rereading it with annotations. 

Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller - Without a doubt, one of the most beautiful novels I have ever read, and certainly the most beautiful portrayal of the story of Achilles and the battle of Troy I have ever seen. Patroclus deserved the justice that was given to him in this book; indeed, all of the characters were written with justice and grace. Highly recommend.

Trials of Apollo by Rick Riordan (3/5) - Apollo is my favourite Greek God, and the sexiest greek god, and Rick Riordan’s writing slaps, as always. It did pain me to see Apollo, the sexy immortal, have to be forced back into a 16 year old’s body but everything else? Whimsical & wonderful, as expected. 

These Violent Delights by Chloe Gong - a retelling of Romeo and Juliette, except it’s set in Shanghai in the 1920′s, and the protagonists already have a history. Very well done, characters are incredibly diverse in race, sexual orientation, gender, and ability / disability (and honestly, representation has never appeared so effortless and elegant). Also it includes a monster and possible magic. Incredibly underrated and highly recommend.

The Once and Future Witches by Alix. E Harrow - this was such a unique concept, and truly captivating, the story was charming, and felt like the kind of beautiful fairytale you would read as children but with more grit? ABSOLUTELY recommend this one

The Pisces by Melissa Broder - I hated this so much, not my vibe at all. Mermaid smut x therapy but make it cynical and judgemental (I know there was a moral in there but that’s not my point) also the dog dies.

Library of the Unwritten by A.J. Hackwith (1/2) - really interesting & unique concept (all unwritten novels / ideas reside in a special library that is part of Hell and then sometimes the books can come to life) however, my first thought upon reading this was “this reads as if it’s stemmed from one of those writing prompt tumblr posts” bc of the tone and whatever and as it turns out I was somewhat correct, it did stem from a short story (not bad just obvious). It did kind of settle down as it went on but I found reading it kind of a drag, and I don’t think I will read the second one.

Abandon by Meg Cabot - 1. Meg Cabot’s writing always fucking slaps 2. Hades and Persephone but make it modern & very 2000′s & somehow kind of unique 3. I literally loved this, sue me

Medusa Girls (Sweet Venom) by Tera Childs - Like Percy Jackson except they are descendants of Medusa so they are Gorgons and have fangs & venom (hence the title). Gave me very 2000′s vibes? Quite cool but tbh I found the books quite short (like two hours each, if that)? Do NOT read the GoodReads description of the book before you read it, you will spoil it for yourself.

Bring me their Hearts by Sara Wolf - In my opinion, this is one of the most underrated YA series I read in 2020. The heroine is endearing, self aware, witty, and loves to look pretty even while kicking ass which in my opinion is an incredibly underrated trait. Also, immortality without being hundreds of years old? VERY sexy. HIGHLY recommend. 

A Deal with the Elf King by Elise Kova - High commendation to be given for the fact that it is a standalone and yet manages to fit in the plot of what would usually be a full fantasy trilogy without cutting corners or being a million miles long? Also sweet storyline & beautiful ending? If you liked ACOTAR you should read this as a “what would have / could have been had SJM had a different editor” (No shade I promise).

The Iron Fae by Julie Kagawa (4/4 + novellas) - Incredibly detailed faerie set around the modern world & our current use of technology & iron in it. Very neat adventure-style series, by the time I read the last novella I was well and truly done with the world (aka provided enough content to be fulfilling). Was definitely aimed at a younger audience though, NO smut / smut was brushed over.

The Modern Faerie Tales by Holly Black (3/3 SS) - This is technically the prequel to Cruel prince, set in the modern world, but with the fae world inside it as it traditional? All I have to say is that it is excellent & I highly recommend it.

Bridgerton series (The Duke and I) by Julia Quinn (9/9) - I read this after watching the Netflix show twice through and I am obsessed, although the books were not quite as elegant as the show, and some parts that made me cringe either by their portrayal (it is very firmly set in the 19th century and thus some things are not handled with tact or grace), the characters were exceptionally loveable and I am so excited to see where the show takes them! Lovely language & an abundance of words I had never seen before (always a plus). 

[cesabutterflywrites]

Maybe-Nevers

@jasperwhitcock made a post that put me into a trance-like state where I needed to write this little oneshot or I’d explode 

though i chose a different song than what you put in the tags Cassandra it just came on as i wrote the first bit and felt too perfect

Summary: As Jacob struggles with the frustrations of make up homework, Bella does what she can to be there for him. What was an attempt to meet Jacob halfway turns into a moment that adds to the list of ways Jacob has helped her heal from loss. Ao3 link

Songs: Through Fire and Flames by Dragonforce , It’s the Only One You’ve Got by 3 Doors Down

Word Count: 1823

Maybe-Nevers 

It was a homework day for us, so that meant it was quiet time in the garage. 

I liked doing homework in the garage with Jacob. He had a desk in the far back that he used for making lists for parts, plans for engines, and pieces of tiny machine parts that I assumed were spark plugs. On homework days we'd push that to the side against the wall. I was content keeping my reading on my lap and my writing on the desk, since he had a habit of sprawling his work out. 

The only sounds between us were our pencils scribbling on our assignments. I was so engrossed with my history assignment about the 1960s Civil Rights movement that I didn't notice that Jacob was struggling until I heard the sharp snap! of his pencil breaking. 

I jumped at the sound. I looked him up and down. Jacob's fists were shaking. 

I tried to keep my voice calm for him. "What's wrong?" 

His mouth was shut tight, and I could tell he was grinding his teeth. I tentatively put my hand on his arm. It was hotter than his usual heat. I could feel his muscles straining, but his arms stopped shaking as he registered my touch. 

"I just-" Jacob took in a deep breath when I started rubbing my thumb back and forth. His words became slow and deliberate. "I just find it frustrating. Not only do I have a ton of make up work to do, every time I feel too stupid to get it I- I want-" 

He ripped his arm away from me. He ran his hands through his short hair. My heart ached for him. Not in the way it ached for…others…but in the way it did for him. Seeing my personal sun struggling with his new self hurt. 

"What can I do to help? I can help." I knew I was begging for my own selfish reasons. I didn’t want to see my friend so stressed. I tried to take a deep breath quietly. I don't need to be scared. Jacob would never hurt me. 

His back was turned to me. He had his arms crossed, and his breathing was ragged. "Bella, I need you to leave me alone for a sec. I need a break from thinking about math and shit." 

"Okay…" I trailed off. I grabbed my bag and supplies as quick as possible, which meant that I kept dropping pencils as I walked towards the door. 

"No, Bella, I don't want you to leave for good." Jacob rolled his eyes for emphasis. "I just need a few minutes to take a break, okay. Go wait in the house and have a snack or something." 

I was confused, but I set the stuff that was still in my arms by the door. I threw a confused look over my shoulder to see Jacob walking over to the radio. 

Oh. He was going to listen to some music, and he remembered that I don't like listening to music. 

I hurried out the door before I could hear whatever song he put on. I made it halfway down the path towards the house before I stopped. Jacob didn't listen to love songs, right? Maybe…maybe I could go be there with him. I could try. 

I made my way towards the garage with intention. If he needed a break to listen to some music, I'd be there. He already had to try adjusting on his own so much. I wasn’t there for him when he changed. The least I could do was put myself through some…discomfort...for him. 

I didn't recognize the blasting beat as I opened the door. What I did recognize was Jacob smiling as he moved things around the garage. He was nodding his head along to the bass as an electric guitar solo played. 

I didn't move from the doorway yet. I was too busy admiring the way he looked like his old self. I was too caught up in seeing my smile. The grin that reminded me of the sun. 

He noticed me as the lyrics started up. His face went from shock, to confusion, to closed off. "Sorry." He went towards the radio but I blocked him before he could. 

"No, no. It's okay." I tried to smile at him. "I'm okay."  

The song was still permeating through the garage with its loud shrieks of electric guitar strings being strained. It was tough, angry, and I really did like it. 

I tilted my head towards the radio. "What song is this?" I asked loudly. 

Jacob eyed me for a second. Probably to gauge my reaction or wait to see me fall apart. I didn't blame him, a part of me was waiting for it too. Yet I knew I would be okay. I was with Jacob. He would keep me together. 

" Through Fire and Flames by Dragonforce." 

A good, tough, angry title. I could dig that. I nodded along off-beat as the solo kept building up. I giggled, sure I was making a fool out of myself. 

Jacob seemed to loosen up just watching me. "I didn’t take you for a metalhead, Bella.” 

I laughed. “Me neither” 

As Jacob started to close the space between us, the song ended on a final guitar shriek. Soon I heard the beat of drums that were much tamer than the first song. Soon a man’s voice started singing. 

I froze. The words were draping me and skirting around the edges of the hole in my chest. I think Jacob noticed the change. He reached behind me to turn it off, but I grabbed his hand. I looked up at him. My eyes were welling up with tears, and I knew I probably looked terrified. 

Each lyric felt purposeful. Like this song was from Jacob to me. I wanted to try it out. I...needed to stay with him. Without letting myself chicken out, I put my hands on his shoulders and started to sway. He didn’t stop me. Instead he put his hands at the small of my back and swayed with me. 

We went in circles around the space in the front of the garage. The words were draping over us like waves of healing water. The singer’s voice was rough and warm but tender. So soft, just like Jacob was as he held me. I leaned my head on his chest to hide my tears. 

This wasn’t a love song. Well, not a romantic one. 

Jacob started humming along. 

“You know this one too?” I whispered. 

“Of course. It reminds me of you.” 

I blushed, and brought my face away from his chest to look at him. His face was free of anger and frustration. He was soft. His brown eyes were seeing me. It was as if he was reading my mind, something even...it was something no one had ever been able to do. 

“Memories have left you broken.

And the scars have never healed.

The emptiness in you is growing.

With so little left to feel.

You're scared to look back on the days before.

You're too tired to move on.” 

We kept sway-dancing. I recalled the time when he showed up to my school dance. We had a bit more rhythm now. Maybe because changing into a wolf had given him more than a cure from clumsiness. It seemed to have given him a sense of rhythm that I still lacked. He was strong enough to lead this dance now.

“Jacob…” I started. He put his finger on my lips. 

“Just listen, Bella.” he commanded quietly. 

I obeyed, but only because I knew that the hole threatening to burst open was only closed because he was holding me. 

The music swelled, and suddenly he started moving us with purpose. Simple steps to still keep me upright, but we were becoming one with the song as it spoke to both of us. 

“You hide behind your walls of 'maybe nevers'

Forgetting that there's something more,

Than just knowing better.

Your mistakes do not define you now

They tell you who you're not.

You've got to live this life you're given,

Like it's the only one you've got.”

I smiled, which turned into a giggle, which turned to gleeful laughter as he spun us around. He lifted me into the air. 

“Oh, what will it take?

Oh, to get you to say that I'll try.

And what would you say if this

Was the last day of your life?” 

Jacob’s voice wasn’t smooth like ice. It didn’t hit a perfect pitch. It was gruff as the man on the radio. He was hitting a deeper timbre, which seemed to harmonize perfectly. His singing voice was pleasant. I’d heard him hum to himself before, even when he tried not to let me hear. Still, I heard what he was saying clearly this time. I knew what he was asking me.

I couldn’t tell if we were still dancing in rhythm, but I knew he was holding us as we went. The garage blurred around us from my tears. He was still clear. He was radiating warmth and compassion and kindness. 

We rode out the final chorus by going back to the sway-dance we started. I was full on sobbing now. He just held me. In his unique, quiet understanding, he didn’t try to speak to me. He let me cry into his chest. Eventually he picked me up to move us to the rolling chair by the desk. He just held me as I sobbed. The radio hadn’t been turned off, but the music was just a pleasant buzzing in the background. 

He pet my hair gently. I eventually brought myself back to the present through the sound of his heartbeat. It was like a steady drum. The sweetest song I would ever hear if I could help it. 

I pulled back. I smiled sheepishly while I wiped my eyes. “Sorry ‘bout that.” 

His lips upturned in a sad grin as he helped me wipe the tears. “Don’t be. Thank you for that. I needed that.” 

I nodded. “I think I did, too.” 

He looked at the desk next to us, then the clock on the wall. It was past our usual end time. He started chuckling. “Well, I guess we’ll have to save the rest of our work for next homework day.” 

I giggled. I pushed myself up off of his lap. “Let’s eat dinner, then.” 

He helped me gather my things. Then we left towards the house where Charlie was probably waiting with Billy. I noticed that the radio hadn’t been turned off as we walked down the path to the small house. Jacob kept watching me, trying not to make me notice. I think he was waiting for me to curl up in pain. 

I didn’t, and I held it together through the night as I slept. 

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Let me know if you want to be put on the taglist for any of my writing! 

[p---ink]

Stark Contrasts: Chapter Three

Author’s Note: Hello all! For those of you following this series this is part 3 in my Tony Stark Fan-fiction. Part one is here, and part two is there. So sorry for the late update by the way. Writer’s block is a bitch. But I refuse to post something I don't at least like a little bit. That being said, I loved writing this chapter. Honestly if I can get just one person to read this and say they like it, I’ll be so grateful. It’s full of “angst”. I still use that word lightly, because to me it’s a drama instead of a story that makes you feel dread or anxiousness. Anyway I really hope you guys enjoy it, because this one took me a while. 

Summary: Upon finding about you and Tony’s romance, Edward Stark loses it. Pepper Potts steps in to help mediate the situation. 

Warnings: Angst, Language. No smut this time, sorry. :(

Song: Cry by Cigarettes after Sex. 

Word Count: 8.8k

Parts: one | two | three | four | five

Chapter Title: Mother Knows Best

 The concept of silence was made by man. We know this, because the world around us is never truly silent. You could argue differently though, because in this moment it felt like time stood still. You couldn’t even hear the sound of the clock ticking, as it rang loudly throughout the quiet room. Even the sound of your heart beating rapidly against your ribcage, fell on deaf ears. The one thing that was apparent to you however, was the rage behind Edward’s cool facade. Though it didn’t make a physical sound, it screamed louder than any noise had ever made.

You stopped embracing Tony and stepped away from him.  “By all means, please don’t stop on my account.” Edward chuckled. 

“I thought you were asleep.” Tony admitted, as if his thoughts helped the situation. He didn’t say it in an apologetic or shameful way, more so just stating a preconceived notion.

“Would that have made a difference?” Edward questioned, furrowing his brows inquisitively. “You know believe it or not, I felt guilty for leaving my girlfriend all alone in an unfamiliar town.” He stated, turning towards you and putting emphasis on the word unfamiliar. “When I heard your taxi pull up, I decided to come down and make sure you arrived safely. Can’t say I wasn’t surprised to see such a beautiful declaration of love.” He relayed his thoughts and actions as if he was telling a close friend a funny story. 

“Edward, we—” You start to explain. 

“We?” He interrupts, smile dropping for a second. But as quickly as it disappeared, it was back again. He began shaking his head in disbelief as he repeated the word ‘we’. “So you guys are a ‘we’, now? This is too fucking rich.” He laughed.

His grin was so wide, it almost looked genuine, and had you not known the story behind this reaction, you would of thought his joy made him look even more handsome. Right now, however, all it did was scare you.

“You know. I always thought it was weird how close you guys were.” He confessed, waving his finger in a playful ‘you-got-me’ kind of manner. His voice was sickeningly sweet, and it made your stomach churn. “But I told myself, that it was a good thing my dad liked my girlfriend so much. You know some people can’t say the same. Man was I foolish!” He exclaimed, looking between the two of you. While you gnawed at the inside of your bottom lip and averted your gaze away from Edward in shame, Tony rolled his eyes and scoffed at the display in front of him. 

“Dad tell me” He started again, pausing for a second to meet Tony’s eyes. “This is why you needed me at my desk right? So you could fuck my slut of a girlfriend?” If the words themselves didn’t make you wince, the tone they were laced in certainly did.

“Watch your mouth, when you address her.” Tony snapped through gritted teeth. 

Edward quickly threw his hands up  in defense before saying, “I’m sorry dad, you’re absolutely right. I should have said your, slut of a girlfriend. Please forgive me.” He smiled, watching his father’s fists clench. When you grabbed one of Tony’s hands, and whispered a ‘calm down’, Edward lost it. He focused on the way your chin rested on his father’s shoulder as well your hand on his a little too long. 

“How long has this been going on?” He asked coldly, abandoning the amused act. It stayed silent for a moment, and since he didn’t address a specific person, you took it upon yourself to answer. You felt you at least owed him that.

“A little over—” you try to answer, but your attempt is short-lived. 

“I was talking to my dad” He snarled, raising his voice and a hand to silence you. Turning his attention back to Tony, he repeated his question. “How long has this been going on?”

“Does it matter?” Tony quickly retorted, growing tired of the way Edward had been talking to you. 

“You know what, I think it does.” Edward challenged, eyes turning into thin slits as he looked his father up and down. “I deserve to know when this all started.” He said as if it was a matter of fact

Tony scrutinized him for a second, contemplating on whether or not he wanted to be mature or petty. He chose petty. “Fine. Since you insist on knowing all the juicy details: I’ve wanted her since the first day we met.” He revealed, shocking both you and Edward. “Now you do the math.”

  Now really thinking about it, Edward gradually stood from his seated position on the stairs. He tried piecing everything together, but it was hard because when he was home, he really wasn’t present. The evidence was still there, however, and even a blind man could see it. How could he have missed those longing stares from across the room? The lingered touches that Tony would press against the small of your back. He somehow even managed to dismiss the way the room would go quiet whenever he walked in. The way Tony whispered to you secrets that would make your thighs clench. What innocent thing could he be saying that would make your body react like that? As you two watched anger consume him, Tony gently pushed you behind himself before Edward spoke again. 

His nails had a grip on his palms so tight, you were sure they left blood, or at the very least dents. His chest, was rapidly rising and falling, as if he was having trouble keeping air in his lungs. His jaw produced a slight bulge, that was a direct result from the way he fastened it shut. “Dad.” He growled, his carefree demeanor now long gone.“How could you? She was mine.”

“See that’s your problem Edward. She doesn’t fucking belong to you, or anyone else for that matter.” Tony corrected, matching his son’s hostile energy. “And if you really cared about her, maybe I would have never had the chance to fuck her.” Your brows furrowed at his choice of words, and you gave him a sideways glare. He was purposely trying to evoke a reaction.

He got what he wanted, because as soon as he said it, Edward moved like a blur as he crossed the room to connect his fist with Tony’s face. He caused him to fall to the ground before catching himself with his palms. You gasped, and dropped to the floor beside the fallen Tony, who was now licking a busted lip. 

“I hope she was worth every minute.” Edward spat, kneeling down to clutch his father’s collar.

“Every second.” Tony teased, finding a smirk under the sting he felt from his lips. Edward delivered another punch, this one landing on one of his eyes, then another that found its way under the side of his chin, leaving only a few seconds between each blow. Had you not pushed yourself between them he would have left his father’s face a bloody and swollen mess. 

“Stop!” You shriek, holding your arm up to shield any further blows. He did stop, but you two held each other’s glares. His hand was still fixed in an attack position, and thats when you began to soften your features. You realized that he was seriously considering whether or not he wanted to hit you as well. Before you just knew he wouldn’t harm you, but seeing the look on his face now you weren’t so sure. Was that how bad you had hurt him? 

Edward decided against striking you. Though his father had been taking his hits like a champ, that would quickly change as soon as Edward laid a finger on you. Fire burning in his eyes and a serious conflict within, he stood to collect himself. “You’re dead to me, Y/N.” He stated, lowly. You wanted so badly to say ‘I’ve been dead to you for a long time now’ but decided that now wasn’t the time. 

He began straightening the wrinkles from his shirt and running his long digits through his raven black hair. “I’ll send for my stuff.” Was all he said as he took a step over both you and Tony, walking away in search of his keys.

“Better send someone quick, before they have to sort through ashes!” Tony shouted, rolling to his side to pick himself up with your aid. Edward neither spared him a glance, nor another word. 

When you heard the door click, you helped Tony readjust. Once he was put back together, you pulled your hand back as far you could to deliver a solid smack to his arm.

“Ow” he wailed, grasping the area you hit. “Haven’t I been hit enough today?” 

“No. Why did you have to act so childish?” You asked, demanding an answer.

Still rubbing the sore spot on his arm, he looked down at you with a blank expression.  “He deserved it.” Was what he said in an indifferent tone.  

You rolled your eyes, before saying “Even if that’s the truth, he was upset and he had every right to be.”

“No Y/N, he didn’t.” He said slightly raising his voice, and talking with his hands. “How he could even call you his girlfriend after all of this time, is beyond me. He doesn’t get to be upset.”

“Tony we violated his trust.” You cried, searching his frustrated face in hopes of finding a sliver of empathy for his son. 

“Edward is a self-serving jackass, who relatively no one can trust. Do you really think he holds weight in this matter?” He countered, raising a brow. In realization that his face was now forming bruises, you asked these next questions.

“You have all of the answers don’t you? Was this all worth the black eye and busted lip?” You ask, gesturing towards his face.

“Absolutely.” He answered referring to both questions. “I’d do it again if it meant seeing the look on his face.” He stated proudly.

“You’re impossible.” You grumble, as you walk away to grab a dampened rag from the bathroom. 

“Edward’s the one who’s impossible!” Tony shouted from the other room.

You rolled your eyes for what felt like the tenth time tonight at his comment. “Why is he being so immature?” You mumbled to yourself, before walking back to the foyer washcloth in hand. You found him in the family room instead, studying a younger photo of Edward. He did feel guilty, he was just to proud to show it. You sighed alerting him of your presence. He instantly reacted by sitting the frame back down on its floating shelf, clearing his throat and pretending that you didn’t just capture him longing for the days when Edward was at the very beginning of his youth. You decided to play his game, choosing not to mention his shame, but still acknowledging that it existed. That was enough for you. To you it meant he was a good person. 

“Come here” you quietly say. He sauntered over to you slowly, reaching down to take the cloth from your hands. You playfully jerk it back from him, before giving him a fixed look. Pushing him down on the nearest couch to stand between his legs, he holds onto your waist to keep you steady. The cool washcloth dripped water down your arm, as you reached up to nurse his bruises. Apparently Edward had been wearing a ring, because a cut had formed just above Tony’s brow. He winced when you pressed the cloth over the mark to clean it. You couldn’t help but feel guilty, feeling to be the cause of this all.

“Did you mean what you said earlier?” Tony asked breaking the silence.

“What did I say earlier?” 

“You said you love me.” You could tell he felt insecure, and your prolonged answer only made it worse.

“Of course I did silly.” You say, pecking the tip of his nose, literally kissing his worries away. “And what about you, did you mean it when you said you’ve wanted me since the first day we met?”

“Every word of it.” He smirked. You grinned back, finding comfort in his words. It didn’t last longs though, as tonights events kept replaying in your mind. 

“So…where do we go from here?” You asked softly, voice just barely above a whisper. Had you not been standing right in front of him, he would have missed it.

The cloth covered one of his eyes completely, so he looked at you with the free one. But even with no eyes, he would be able to sense the worry in your voice, and imagine the worry on your face. He cupped the hand that was on his cheek, and kept his other hand on your hip. 

“We just wait, The hard part is over now.” He assured,  leaning in to plant a kiss to your forehead, then your nose, before settling in on your lips, tugging your shirt to deepen it.

After you finished up his face you guys prepared to go to sleep. It was the first night since your being together where you weren’t afraid of being caught. You laid in bed, and thought of his words as you forced yourself to sleep. You wished you could believe them, but knowing the man that Edward was, you knew tonight was nothing compared to what was to come. 

__________________________________________________________________

“You slept with his girlfriend, and you have the nerve to tell me to calm down?” Was what you heard when you woke up. A few days had passed since Edward found out about you two. You were trying not to think about it too hard, but life had other plans. You wiped the crust from your eyes, and slowly sat up to yawn and stretch, focusing in on the conversation unfolding downstairs. 

“Tony, among all of the morally fucked up things you’ve done, this has got to be the worst! And Stark Industries used to cater to the advancements of industrialized weapons.” Pepper. That voice belongs to Pepper. You thought.

“Okay Pepper, you’re being a little dramatic. The weapons are obviously worse.” Tony said, in a fed-up tone. You carefully let your feet hit the floor to silently go eavesdrop from the top of the banister. 

“We both know that’s not the point.” She said bringing her voice down an octave. 

“Then exactly what point are you trying to make, Ms. Potts? Why are you here?” Tony retorted. He spoke in hushed tones, but the annoyance in his voice was clear.  

“I need to see Y/N, so—”

“No.” Tony quickly interrupted, but Pepper continued.

“—So we can figure this mess out.” She cried. 

“Hell no Pepper, I’m not letting you bother her with this bullshit.” Tony bit.

“Edward is really upset!”

“Unfortunately, I am all out of fucks to give about Edward’s feelings.” 

“Tony, look at what he’s threatening to put out.” You could tell she was showing him something, you just didn’t know what “If this reaches the public people are gonna start piecing these things together, and realize it has to do with you.”

“Pepper.”

“Let me speak to Y/N.”

“No.” At this point you began making your way downstairs, curious as to why she came all this way. You liked Pepper. You met her after meeting Tony. They had been separated for months. Despite Tony’s horror stories, she was always nice to you. Perhaps the divorce helped her find herself, because the Pepper you met was nothing like the one he described. 

“Y/N! Please come down!” You hear Pepper yell from the foyer. 

“Pepper, are you out of your mind? For crying out loud.” Tony cries upon seeing you descend. He was facing the staircase, hands on Pepper’s shoulders trying to urge her out of the door. Her back was turned, until she followed Tony’s line of sight, spinning to focus her smoky blue eyes on you instead. 

Her golden blonde hair was done up into her typical tight ponytail. Makeup light, consisting only of a simple peach colored lipstick and mascara. She wore a tan pencil skirt, white blouse and safe nude pumps. As per usual, Pepper was perfectly primped, not a gold lock out of place, save her bangs and a few intentional strands that cradled her face. If only her appearance could match her attitude.

She fully turned her body so that her attention was on you. “Y/N, please tell me this whole thing isn’t true.” Pepper pleaded.

“I’m afraid it is Ms. Potts.” You reply, sheepishly, suddenly feeling ashamed again. To have Pepper disappointed in you, felt worst than getting caught by Edward himself. 

“Jesus.” She sighed, closing her eyes shut and pinching the bridge of her nose. “You two, have royally fucked yourselves.  Take a look at this.” She stepped closer to you with an iPad in hand, dragging a skinny finger across the screen to reach the content she wanted you to see. She came to a stop and handed it over to you once she reached a page that looked like an article, or at least the rough draft of one. It was clearly about you and Tony, as the entire thing talked about Edward dealing with the betrayal of two people closest to him: a person who gave him life, and a person whom he gave his love. He was the victim, and though he did not put a name to his betrayers, they were clearly the decorated villains. It was very well-written. He even added parts to the story that not even you knew happened. 

Tony watched you panic. He watched the worry lines etch themselves in your skin. He snatched the iPad from your wandering fingers, and then he watched confusion take the place of worry. “You have to get ready for class. Besides, Ms. Potts was just leaving.” He firmly stated.

“What? No Tony. I don’t think it’s a good idea for her to go to school today.” She suggested as Tony handed her the device back. “We have to figure out what we are going to do about this.” Was what she said as he gently pushed her out of the house, and closed the door in her face.

He was really upset with her for upsetting you. Maybe he was also upset about Edward, but he felt his son couldn’t do any real harm. However, he knew you felt otherwise.

“Don’t worry about him.” He assured. “Eddy is just throwing another tantrum.” 

“Another?” You questioned, both worry and confusion working hard to dominate your features. “What are you not telling me?”

“Stop worrying. That’s what I am telling you.” 

“How can I not? Tony you keep telling me not to be worried, but you and I have seen what he can do when he’s upset.”

“Yea well I taught him how to do it. His ‘power’ comes from me, and I can assure you that. Everything will be fine.” He assured once again.

You blow out hot air threw your nose, frustrated with his naivety. He was really acting like the problem didn’t exist. “I have to get ready for class.” You stated, flicking your hands in the air as if to brush off his words before stomping away. 

“Baby?” He yells from the foyer, as you retreat up the stairs.  

“What Tony?” You yell back, once you make the bathroom. 

“Are you mad at me?” He whines.

“Yes!” You scream.

“Well, I love you!” You can practically hear the grin in his voice.

“Fuck you Tony.” You yell, mocking fake agitation.

 “Sure, but we have to wait until after you get home from school.” Well at least he learned his lesson from last time. You think to yourself, smiling as you get ready for the day. 

_________________________________________________________________

It felt like days had passed as you watched Professor Maxwell drone on and on about quantum mechanics. In reality, it had only been about 4 hours since you left the house. This was your last class of the day, so of course he had to drag it on.

You sat alone in his huge lecture hall, half-heartedly scribbling down notes. Though you were easy to get along with, and many people thought you were cool and nice, you found it hard to make real friends with your peers. You attended a prestigious university and most of them came from different backgrounds. Of course, for the most part, there was nothing was wrong with that, but it did make it harder to find common interests from time to time. It wasn’t like you didn’t have any friends though, just not in this particular environment. This fact alone helped you excel in your studies and passions. You found with no social distractions you could get more done. Right now however, you were more distracted than you had ever been.

You kept thinking about Edward’s article. You kept thinking about Edward. You really hurt him. But Tony was right, Edward had been hurting you since the beginning. It still didn’t make it okay for you to cheat, let alone sleep with his Dad. Preoccupied with your self-guilt, you didn’t notice the dings that sounded off around the quiet auditorium. Gasps, and soft whispers, followed, as people looked at you, but you were far too focused on your own problems to pay attention to theirs. You weren’t too focused to not hear the professor signal the end of class though. 

Shoving your laptop in your bag, you sprung to your escape. Bursting through the grand oak doors of your university’s science hall, you rushed to be the first in line at the school’s popular little cafe. Grabbing their pastry of the day became your favorite ritual. 

You leaned down to take in all of your choices. The warm yellow light of the display case illuminating your face. You could hear a faint buzz coming from it over the humming of the espresso machines, the overplayed pop songs, and the chatter from your fellow students and locals that frequented it. Coming here was peaceful. It was much like the library would be to someone who needed to focus. You found the busyness of the world relaxing, because no matter how many problems you faced, everyone else just kept moving.  

You thought about how you were gonna treat yourself. Maybe you would have an apple strudel today. Or perhaps a blueberry cannoli? Peach scone? You decide on the strawberry shortcake, it was a classic and to die for. You pointed it out to the pastry clerk, and he was happy to go and prepare it for you. 

“What, your sugar daddy not giving you enough sugar at home?” You heard a voice ask from behind you. You mentally groaned and rolled your eyes at the sound of Amber. She was a girl from Edward’s past that had a personal vendetta against you for reasons unknown. They were long done before you entered the picture, but Amber must of felt otherwise. 

You turned around to greet her, and as always you were astonished by her appearance. She had these catlike hazel green eyes that could burn a hole through steel. A strawberry blonde curly mane cascaded down her shoulders. She also had a natural sun-kissed golden tan, and she stood at a tall 5’11. She was gorgeous. Why she was still hung up on Edward, you would never know.

She had with her, Cassie, a faithful fan of hers who couldn’t form her own standing opinion . She kissed Amber’s ass so much you were surprised to find out she didn’t live in her toilet. She also brung Jasmine one of her new recruits, a petite mousy-like sophomore. Jasmine was okay, but she was a try-hard in constant need to of approval, hence why she hung out with Amber. 

“Hi Amber.” You smile, mustering up your last bit of fucks to give. You were too tired to acknowledge the meaning behind her comment, but not too tired to throw her a bone. 

“Hi Amber.” She mocked, slurring your words. “You had everyone around you eating out of the palm of your hands, but I knew your goody-two-shoes act was just that: an act.” 

“What are you talking about?” You asked, heart dropping to your stomach. You hoped she wasn’t talking about what you thought she was. 

“So you can’t read now? Let me say this slowly so you can comprehend.” She cleared her throat for a comedic effect before she spoke again. “Edward finally let the rest of the world know what a gold digging slut you are!” She smirked, throwing out her hand to Jasmine who wasn’t paying her any attention. “Jasmine!” Amber shrieked, causing the poor girl to jump. She quickly recovered from her incompetence, and scrambled to pass Amber her phone. Amber passed it to you, careful not to take her eyes away from yours. She didn’t want to miss the face of a girl who’s life was about to fall apart.

On the phone, was the same article Pepper had shown to you earlier, only this time it had been updated with even more lies spread throughout. Edward played the part of an unsuspecting, loving, and caring son/boyfriend, who was blindsided by the treachery of his beloved father and girlfriend. 

Again no names, but if it wasn’t already obvious, people knew it was you now. You looked up to Amber, a smug look playing on her features. It didn’t unsettle you as much as she wanted it to. What unsettled you though, was when you looked around the cafe. All the noise and chatter had all but come to a cease. The humming from the coffee machines, the overplayed pop song, and the buzz from the display counter were all that could be heard. They were waiting. Waiting for an answer. Waiting for your reaction. 

No. You thought. I am not gonna give this bitch or anyone else the satisfaction of my reaction. You tighten your jaw, and turn to pay for your pastry, now in a hurry to leave the shop. 

Amber was not having it. “So you have nothing to say?” She scoffed loudly. “I am clearly talking to you.” She harshly grabbed your shoulder to turn you around. 

You were ready to throw hands but before you could you were promptly cut-off by someone else.

“Leave her alone Amber, before I fuck you up.” They commanded. Everyone’s necks snap to investigate the source of noise. Eyes land on the pink-haired girl at the back of the cafe. She had chosen a cozy little corner booth, where she could kick her feet up to watch all of those around her. 

“Excuse me?” Amber sneered.

Nao, if you remembered her name correctly, swung her feet out of the booth to make her way through the crowd. She came to stand in front of Amber’s frame, before she addressed her again. “Let me say this slow enough so that you can comprehend” You smiled, as she borrowed Amber’s words from earlier. “I said: ‘Leave her alone Amber, before I fuck you up.’”

“What are you gonna do to me Nail?” Amber challenged, feeling quite good about herself for the joke she made. 

“It’s Nao, but you knew that already, and you don’t want to try me” She warned. 

“What could possibly be worse than sleeping with your boyfriend’s dad?” Amber asked a little too loudly for your liking, she earned an uncomfortable laugh from Jasmine, and a cackle from Cassie, who playfully tapped her shoulder in approval. There were also a few scattered snickers from other people in the cafe.

“I don’t know, maybe you should ask all of those married men, who you slept with over the summer.” Nao suggested, eyes wide mocking innocence. “If they don’t know, their children and wives might.”

‘Ooo’s’ and ‘ahh’s’ erupted throughout the quiet space of the cafe. Someone whispered, “Did she say ‘men’, as in plural?”

Amber looked like she had seen a ghost as Nao looked her up and down, daring her to spill another word. Cassie took the dare.

“Nao, that’s not true! And even if it was it’s none of your business you nosy little cunt.”

“Don’t get me started on you Cassie. We all remember that time you sucked off Bryson Kidd, for a bag of hot Cheetos and a kiwi strawberry Arizona.” She said as she twisted her neck to look at Cassie’s mortified expression. Then her eyes traveled, landing on Jasmine,  who shook her head as if to say she didn’t want any part of this. 

Nao let her be, then turned to address the rest of the room, “Anyone else?”  She asked, gruff voice now coated in honey. She continued her scan around the shop, trying to bait people. This was fun for her, she knew they were scared. They knew she was a revered tech major, at the top of her class. Her know-how with computers wasn’t the reason she knew about Amber though. She wasn’t invasive like people thought she was. She was just quiet and observant. 

Nao continued her rant, “Are we all forgetting that Edward Stark has slept with at least half the women in this room alone? Mind you while he and Y/N were still in a relationship.” She looked around, disappointed in her peers. She caused some of the women in question to avert their judgy gazes away from you, mumbling profanities about Nao being a snoopy bitch. Nao turned back to Amber, who was still hot from embarrassment. “Where were your words of judgment then Amber?” She said leaning in to whisper in her ear. “Oops my bad. I shouldn’t expect you to say anything to him while his cock is stuffed down your throat.” 

The light pink that dusted Amber’s cheeks, deepened to a crimson that spread across her entire face and neck. She huffed, and turned on her feet to excuse herself from the cafe, Cassie and Jasmine both hot on her trail.

When they were gone, the conversations around you picked up again as people tried not to stare. 

Nao, finally turned her attention towards you. The smile you sported throughout her entire show dissipated as you realized she was about to tear into you now. She stepped closer, and closer to you, instantly making you shy away. When she was close enough to examine the pores on your face, she took out a crinkled 10 dollar bill, that she handed to the cashier. “I’ve got this one.” She declared, smiling in reference to your strawberry shortcake. The clerk handed her the bag, which she handed to you before taking a step back. You could tell she struggled with personal space.

“Thank you” You start. “But why did you do that?”  

She knew you were referring to Amber. “You never bother anyone Y/N. You’re always so nice. If you ever need me, just give me a call.” She motioned to your phone, “May I?”

“Oh yea, sure.” You say, before handing her your unlocked device so she could type in her number. While she input her contact information, you took advantage of the temporary distraction to really survey her features.

She was Japanese,  you remembered that from the icebreaker you had in a shared class a year ago. Brown freckles, that looked like constellations were sprinkled along her rosy cheeks. Long lashes, fluttered every time she opened her eyes to blink. And as mentioned before, she had pink hair, a wavy pixie cut to be exact, that sat on her head like a fluffy cloud. She was tall, but not as tall as Amber. Lanky, with long limbs. Bushy black eyebrows sat above her honey brown eyes. Her nose was so small, you wondered how she could breathe out of it. She, like Amber, was very pretty, only in a “non-traditional” way. 

You had a girl-crush. You were giddy by the fact that a strong woman came to your aid, batting for you like that. When she looked back up at you, you realized you were staring, so you ripped yourself out of your daze of admiration. “Thank you again. Also thank you for this!” You exclaimed, lifting up the brown goody bad. 

“Its no problem. Enjoy it. It’s almost as sweet as you.” She smiled at you widely before turning to leave.

What a great way to start off your Monday. 

__________________________________________________________________

“Tony I’m back!” You called throughout the house. Your echo was the only thing to greet you back. Must not be home. You thought to yourself.

You sit your keys in the dish next to the door, kicking your shoes off, deciding to worry about them later. Grabbing yourself a bottle of wine, and a glass to pour it in , you drift into the living room. You take your seat in your favorite chair, ready to kick your feet up and relax. 

“Hi.” Pepper says behind you, making you spill your grown-up juice on the seat beside you, as well as on Tony’s equally expensive rug. You knew that neat-freak was gonna lose his shit. 

“Pepper!” You squeal, “Why didn’t you say anything when I called out earlier?!”

“I didn’t want to startle you.” She explained rushing to grab some club soda and a dish rag from the kitchen. 

“How is this any better?!” You yell, as she reenters the room, falling to the rug to clean out the stains. She threw you a spare cloth and handed you the soda to tackle the spreading splotch on the couch. 

“I don’t know! Give me a break for at least trying.”

“How did you even get in here?” You ask, vigorously scrubbing into the fibers of the couch. 

“Y/N, I used to live here.” You abruptly stopped as she continued. At the mention of it, you cringed at how awkward this might have been for Pepper. You were Tony’s new plaything, while she was his old one. Not to mention the fact that you also had been with her son. 

“I forgot.” You sigh, before apologizing. “I’m sorry for all of this Pepper. This must be really strange for you.” The spot on the couch was now faint, so you abandoned your previous efforts. 

Satisfied with the removal of her designated stain as well, Pepper stood from her knees to occupy the seat opposite to you. “Nonsense dear.” She replied, giving you a tight smile. “Sit, please.”

“Where’s Tony?” You ask as you do as she says. She must have some idea, since she was here but he wasn’t. 

“On his way to get this article pulled. I can imagine he’ll want to confront Edward as well.” Pepper informed you, crossing her legs to get comfortable. You let out a huff of air, seeing as the last time they saw each other, it didn’t end quite well. “Speaking of Edward, he’s the reason I’ve come to see you. We have to talk about this.”

“Not to be blunt Pepper, but what else is there to talk about? Everyone already knows about it, how much worse could it get?”

“That’s the thing. It will only get worse if you two continue your affair. Edward is talking about filing an injunction against Tony. He could lose his position as CEO of Stark Industries.” You eyed her in disbelief. You knew Edward was capable of being vindictive, just not this much. 

“Can he really do that? Is what I have with Tony that serious?” You were genuinely concerned.

“Ordinarily CEO’s don’t get removed because of their personal relationships, but because you and Tony have something different, I believe Edward has a fighting chance.” She paused to exhale as she surveyed your features. “Tony’s face is plastered everywhere in the world. He is Stark Industries, and a lot of his success comes from his fame. To be associated with such a scandal could prove very harmful to the future of this company.” She finished. 

Just like Edward worked hard to prove himself to Tony, Tony worked harder to prove himself to Howard Stark. He risked everything, putting his all into Stark Industries. Erasing the blemish of  its past with weapons of mass destruction, he had successfully turned it into a clean, and sustainable energy industry that had proven just as, if not more, successful than its predecessor. He also dabbled in AI, robotics, and non-lethal ways to disarm enemies. You would not be the reason that all got thrown away. Still you couldn’t help the sinking feeling in your gut.

“So I have to just stop seeing Tony?” You asked, internally pulling yourself together.

“I wish I could say it was that easy, Y/N. But we both know Tony won’t just stop seeing you.”

“So what do you suggest I do?” You asked her now slightly agitated. 

She sensed your irritation, but elected to ignore it, opting to continue her use of a soothing voice instead. “I understand you have an internship in France. I’m also sure that Tony, knows about it. Correct?”

“Yes. What about it?” You ignore the fact that she knows this despite not telling her. You had long given up on how Pepper acquired her information. Perhaps Edward had mentioned it, but you couldn’t see why it would be of interest to him. 

“Well Tony can’t know where you’re going. So how would you feel if I told you, I could pull some strings to get you an all-expense paid internship somewhere else?” 

“What’s the catch?” You ask sighing. This was all too much to process. 

“Instead of leaving in May, you’ll have to start preparing things now. You’ll need to leave as soon as possible so that you can get settled in by next week.” She quickly replied.

“Next week?” You gasp. “That doesn’t give me enough time to prepare. What about my course-load and credits? And my family, my friends? What would I tell them?”

“I already have everything handled.” She said raising her hands in a ‘calm-down’ kind of way. “Also, if you decide to leave you’ll need a place to stay for the time-being. I would offer my home, but Tony is too smart to not look there. You’ll need to stay somewhere he won’t find you until we can get you shipped out.” 

Is she for real? You thought to yourself. “Wait, you’re really serious about getting me to leave.” You say, through a pained chuckle.

“This is what’s best.” She simply replied, pursing her lips. 

“What do you get out of this Pepper?” You ask deciding now was the perfect moment to let your frustration boil over. “I mean, Tony is your ex, and I am the on who cheated on your son with said ex. You should be happy that Edward is about to ruin us. Why should I trust you?”

“Well first, let’s have the Tony conversation, it clearly makes you feel guilty.” She said drawing in a sharp breath. “His and my relationship was over before it even started. We were supposed to remain friends instead of lovers, but we ruined that with marriage. There are no hard feelings, so I don’t care who he’s with, even if it’s you. Now, on to Edward.”

She sat up in her chair to clasp her hands around her knee. “I am the reason he is the way he is. And for that, I apologize. In all honesty Y/N, I always liked you. I saw myself in you, and I still said nothing as I let him ruin you. I felt that you would be good for him. I ignored the fact that he wasn’t good for you. Guilt has consumed me, and the only way I see fit to redeem myself is to do my part in making sure he doesn’t ruin his father and you. I am trying to help.”

You wanted to believe her, but you still had your doubts. “How do I know this is all the truth? This whole injunction thing could be a ploy to get me out of the picture.”

Her patience was thinning. “If you want to risk it, then go right ahead. But don’t forget who you’re dealing with here. Edward has promised to stop if you leave. At least this way, everyone gets to keep what they worked so hard for. That article can do serious damage to your future career and Tony’s current one. And Edward will not stop until he’s satisfied.” 

At this point Pepper had said all that she came to say. So she stood to leave, but not before saying one last thing. “Tony doesn’t know I’m here. I’d like to keep it that way. Also, you don’t have much time to think about this one dear. The longer you stay, the more you risk. Contact me once you’ve made your decision”

You looked at her with your eyes full of sorrow. Pepper’s eyes could only offer you sympathy. You really wanted to believe she was telling the truth. But if she was, you had a lot to think about. You wished someone else could make the decision for you.

__________________________________________________________________

“Sweetheart!” Tony shouted, voice booming off of the walls. “Did you spill something on the rug?!Wait the fucking couch too!” 

How the hell did he see that, we scrubbed the shit out of those stains. You think to yourself, without answering him.

You could hear him as he stomped up the stairs, searching the rooms to find the one you were in. He found you in the laundry room, folding his and your clothes. “We have a housekeeper you know.” He reminded as he leaned against the doorway amused by the sight before him. 

“She’s a little weird, I saw her admiring my panties.” You answered weakly. 

He shook his head, as if you were the one being absurd. “That’s not weird, I do it all the time.  Anyway, did you spill wine downstairs?” 

“Yea sorry.” You reply. He could tell you were a bit off, since you didn’t laugh at his joke. You hadn’t even looked at him since he arrived. 

“Are you okay?” He asks stepping a bit closer. 

“I’m fine.” You responded, absentmindedly folding one of his shirts. 

“You’re lying.” He stated, pretty sure of himself. “If this is about the article, I got the publisher to pull it. It’s gonna be played off like a rumor.”

“It’s not about the article.” You sigh.

“So it is something. What is it?” He pressed, placing a hand over your folding ones to get them to stop

You knew he wasn’t going to give up, so you decided to just get it over with. “I had a talk with Pepper today.”

“Not this shit again.” He grumbled dropping his hands to exit the room. 

“Tony listen. She made a few good points.” You say following him as he strides away to his bedroom. 

“I don’t care about the points she’s made Y/N. I told you that you have nothing to worry about.” He countered, sounding exhausted. He had been exhausted since that night with Edward. 

“If that’s true then why did you go see Edward today?” 

“Who told you that?” He asked, spinning around to eye you suspiciously

“You just did.” You watched his face change from curiosity to awe. It was rare for you to outsmart him. “If you’re not worried, why were you there.”

He turned back around to loosen his tie, before saying “I don’t have to have this conversation right now.”

You exhaled loudly, frustrated with his stubbornness. “Either we have this conversation now, or we never have it.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” He asked in an amused tone. 

“It means, you should say all you want to say to me now, before I leave.” You answered. This got him to turn back around and face you. 

“Before you leave? What kind of bullshit has Pepper been spewing now?”

You pause and think before saying another word. You had already said too much. He wasn’t supposed to know you were leaving, let alone that Pepper was even here. If you were gonna do this though, you didn’t want any words left unsaid. That was your reasoning behind what you would say next. “She thinks it’s best if I leave.”

“Leave? For what?” He asked closing the distance between you. 

“Edward is calling for your removal as head of Stark Industries.

“Oh that? I'm not worried about that. Like I said, it’s another tantrum and it will blow over.” He stated, pushing a strand of hair behind your ear. 

“Your son throws huge tantrums Tony. And this one doesn’t seem like its gonna just blow over. This is really serious, and Pepper feels like he has a fighting chance.” You state, ignoring his fingers that wandered along your skin. He always tried to use sex to take your mind off of things.

“A fighting chance? On the grounds of what? That I stole his little girlfriend.” He teased, grabbing your lower back to pepper kisses along your neckline. 

“Quit it, this is serious.” You whined, shoving him off of you. 

Sighing from both rejection and frustration, Tony lowly replies “It’s really not.” 

“You know what, maybe not to you, but I will not let you throw away your entire legacy. I’m leaving so you don’t mess your life up.” You bite, frustrated with his indifference. You began making your way to your old room to go and pack your things.

You were almost in the door until Tony harshly gripped your wrist, whipping you around to face him. “Who are you to make that decision for me? Huh? You don’t know a fucking a thing about this.” He barked, tone getting more aggressive the longer he spoke. “Who cares about Edward and his little temper-tantrums. Even if he takes the company, at the end of the day, I’m still filthy, fucking, rich. And if I wanna have you, I’m gonna have you. You’re mine. No one else is gonna tell me different.” He spat. 

“Let go,” you said, flinging your wrist free of his grip. Once free, you immediately began to back away. Tony’s glare weakened once he realized how badly he overreacted. He had began to succumb to all the stress that this was all causing him. He took it out on you, which he immediately regretted. You would be a damn liar though, if you said hearing him speak that way didn’t make you sexually frustrated. But you had a face to uphold in that moment. He needed to think you were mad at him. “What happened to me not belonging to anyone? You think because you’re ‘filthy, fucking’ rich’ you can just make me yours?”

Tony let his guilt show, “Kitten, you know that’s not what I meant.”

“Goodnight Tony.” You say, as you slink in to your old room, the one you and Edward used to share.

“Wait, please.” He begged, taking a step forward. 

You slammed the door shut before he could reach inside, sliding down the cool wood until you reached the floor. He began knocking against the door, pleading with you to open it so that you could talk things out. Tony was not a man in need of much, so to hear desperation overtake his emotions left you wrecked. 

You immediately began sobbing into your shirt, doing your best to muffle your cries. You did not want to leave, but you could not be the reason his life’s work got flushed down the drain. 

He would be over you in no time. You would get over him as well. That’s what you had to keep telling yourself as you texted Pepper your decision to leave. 

__________________________________________________________________

Jerking awake after your fight, you realized that the sun had gone down. You checked your phone, and saw that it was almost time for you to leave. Pepper would be over to pick you up soon, so you quietly got up to pack, careful not to alert Tony if he was near. 

You packed light. Very light. Everything fit into a bag that you could carry over your shoulder. You were only taking the things you felt absolutely necessary, like your toothbrush, underwear, a few outfits, and anything else that you could fit into the small bag. Pepper insured that she would take care of the rest. You informed of her of your fight with Tony. She was disappointed that you let him know you were leaving but she expected it from you, which is why she never told you exactly where you were going. 

You had to stay with someone else until your departure, because it would be easier to keep the secret of your destination away from Tony among other things. Now the problem lied in where you would stay. He knew all of your friends. He had even met some of your closest family members through Edward. And as Pepper mentioned before, you couldn’t stay with her, because it would be one of the first places he checked. You thought of Samuel and Elise from your favorite restaurant, but decided against them because you didn’t know where they stayed, nor did you have any way of contacting them. 

Maybe Nao. You thought, before shaking the idea out of your head as quickly as it came. There is no way she would let me, we just met and she didn’t mean her offer literally. 

But if she didn’t mean it, she wouldn’t of given me her number. Plus, Tony doesn’t know her, so she’s perfect. You silently debated with yourself. You were desperate so you shot her a text pleading your case. You gnawed at the inside of your cheek. You weren’t one to really ask people big favors like this one, so you were nervous. 

Nao replied back not even two minutes later, offering you an invitation to bunk with her for as long as you needed. You immediately shot her a thank you and continued your packing. 

You had to move quickly before you changed your mind. Everything that Tony got for you would remain here. Not having much money to your name, you could have sold it and made yourself a pretty coin, but that wasn’t the type of woman you were. Besides all of it meant so much to you, everything had sentimental value, just because he had given it to you. You decided to display every single thing he ever got for you on the bed and floor. The shoes, the lace, the bags, clothes, etc. When you came across the jewelry that he got you, it proved to be a challenge. Every one he had purchased on very special occasions, like your birthday, Christmas…Valentine’s Day. You thought when you came across the destroyed remains of the Cartier bracelet he got for you that day. ‘My heart belongs to you, T.S.’  You wanted to take it. You desperately wanted to take it to have something that reminded you of him, but seeing as the small plaque itself probably cost him thousands you decided to leave it. Rubbing the cold metal between your fingers one last time, you set it down. 

You thought to leave your phone. Tony had it replaced it for you when you lost it in Italy  on one of your trips. You weren’t certain about whether or not he would trace it if he was really desperate. Okay now I’m being ridiculous. He doesn’t care about me that much, you thought, before placing the device back in your pocket now heading to the door. 

Even while touching the knob you were careful. Making the slightest sound could set him off to your presence. He was a pretty light sleeper unless he was blackout drunk, so you weren’t wrong for your caution. Turning it slowly, opening the door even slower, you slipped through it once it was wide enough.

“Y/N” you heard him murmur from behind you. At the sound of his voice you stifled a squeal of surprise. When you turned to confront him, determined to make your case for leaving, your eyes had to travel down to the floor where he resided. You saw him fast asleep, back against your doorway. Had he been there since your fight? Your thoughts were interrupted when you saw the flashing of lights outside, signaling that Pepper was there. You were starting to unravel. Tears did not threaten to leave your eyes, they promised. As they spilled down your cheeks you shook them away along with your weak thoughts. The sight of Tony at your doorstep almost made you drop your bags and forget all your previous worries. 

Almost.

  A/N: Please do not claim my work as your own. Please leave a comment, a like, and reblog, it honestly really means the world to me when I get comments. 

[wannawritefast]

Whiplash: Ch. 4- Pretending

A/N: Hey guys! Thanks for all the love on the last part! I totally didnt realize there was no title or link to the previous part. I distinctly remember doing that... maybe Tumblr had a goof... Just a heads up that a fixed it and all that jazz. 

Pt. 3

Pairing: Gwilym Lee! Brian Lee x Reader

Donna left the end of that weekend grateful to have spent time with her sister. And you felt equally as grateful to have gotten some bonding time before the holidays rolled around.

You and Brian continued your charade until before long it was time to leave for your family’s house. There was a plethora of Christmases where you didn’t want to go back home for the holidays or even want to celebrate the ‘happiest time of the year’ at all. But this Christmas… this one took the fruitcake.

The night before you left you didn’t get a wink of sleep. You often chalked it up to the fact that your cat was not present (having been put in a kennel earlier that day) and the subsequent lack of him in your bed. But you knew deep down that it was because, this time, you would be coming home with a boyfriend. A fake one.

That seemed to scare you more than you thought it should. If they didn’t believe you or if they found out, you would NEVER be able to live it down. And then there was Brian.

He was too kind and sweet and caring and goofy to you. He treated you better than you deserved. Sometimes you didn’t think it was real. Brian was your best friend and you knew that you could always depend on him. If anything ever happened to jeopardize that, you didn’t know what you’d do.

The two of you left in the mid-morning on the 21st, Brian picking you up and getting breakfast along the way. It took a few hours but you got to your parents’ house by mid-afternoon. Even though you jammed to cassettes the whole way there, your nerves still wracked your body.

7 days at your parents’ house in the English country and 7 days at his. Two weeks. You could do two weeks.

Finally the two of you arrived at your family’s big country house, pulling up in front of the large property. Brian put the car in park and turned off the engine. He reached to unbuckle his seatbelt in the now silent car but you grabbed his wrist to stop him.

“Brian, we don’t have to do this,” you looked him right in the eye.

He coughed out a chuckle. “What?”

“We can turn around right now. I can just say I got sick,” you reached to turn the ignition but he shooed your hands away.

“We’ve come this far and you want to turn around?” Brian questioned. You nodded emphatically. “Oh, come on now. I’m ready and you’re ready.”

“No, Brian,” you let out a panicked breath. This was such a bad idea. You should have just been honest with them from the beginning. “I don’t think I can do this.”

“We’re basically at the front door,” he turned in his seat. “We can’t go back now.”

“Watch me,” you reached for the ignition again.

“Hey, hey, hey.” Brian grabbed your hand and held it. “We’re here. It’s going to be alright.”

You looked out the windows nervously for any sign that your parents or siblings had seen you arrive. “How can you be so sure?”

“I’m not.” Brian fiddled with your fingers and kissed the back of your hand, stirring up butterflies again. “But there’s only one way to find out.”

And with that, he unbuckled his seatbelt, opened his car door and went straight to the trunk, making sure that his keys were in his pocket. You jumped out after him. He was smart. Leaving the vehicle before you could object further… 

He opened the latch and was beginning to take out the luggage. “Brian, I mean it. We can still leave. No one’s seen-”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that.” His green-eyed gaze was fixed on the front door.

“Y/N’S HOME!!”

“Y/N’S HOME!!” Donna exclaimed, throwing the door open. Her voice echoed down the driveway. She was clad in a Christmas jumper that your mum had made for you, your brother, and your sister a few years back. Mum always insisted that you wear it for at least one day when you visited. As per her request, it was folded neatly at the bottom of your luggage.

“It’s too late,” you whispered to yourself. “If we regret this, it’s not my fault.”

“We’ll be okay,” Brian put an arm around you and you leaned lazily into the hug.

“Y/n! My baby!” That was mum. Although your mum was loud at times, you loved her a lot. Your mother hustled from the front door clad in a loudly patterned apron, which itself was covered in flour and sugar. 

“This doesn’t seem too bad,” he mused to you.

You looked at him from the side of your eyes. “Oh, just you wait.”

You took Brian’s hand and moved to meet them in the middle. Your sister practically jumped on you and knocked you over when she gave you a hug; the two of you tumbled as you hit the ground in a burst of laughter. Brian and your mother both rushed to help the two of you up.

“Hey, Brian,” Donna gave him a friendly hug. “So did she drive you crazy on the way here?”

“Absolutely bonkers.” He teased. You scoffed and bumped him with your shoulder.

“Hi, mum.” You moved to embrace your mother and she pulled you into a bone crushing hug. She held you at arms length. 

“I missed you so much.” She gushed. Her fingers moved to hold your face. You couldn’t help your smile. 

“It’s only been like a month and a half.” You laughed at her emotions.

“That doesn’t mean I can’t miss my daughter!” Your mother exclaimed. “Of course your father misses you too! I tried to get him to take work off today to come greet you two but you know him!” Unfortunately, you did. She rubbed your arms soothingly, turning her attention to Brian. “Now... introduce me to this strapping young man!”

You rolled your eyes but, deep down, it was your stomach that was really rolling. “Mum, this is Brian, my boyfriend.” That word still felt weird.

“It’s lovely to meet you, Brian,” she said as he extended his hand for her to shake. Your mother brushed his hand aside and pulled him into a tight sweet hug. Brian took it with a chuckle. “You don’t need to be formal with me. If you’re good enough for Y/n, you’re more than good enough for me.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Y/l/n,” he replied politely. Brian put an arm around your shoulders for emphasis. You wrapped your arms around his waist.

“Please, call me ‘Y/m/n.’” She froze all of a sudden. “Wait a second… is this the Brian from university?!” Your mum turned to you.

“Yes,” you smiled at your mom, “that’s where we met.”

“Oh my heavens! I remember you talking about Brian!” Your mother excitedly recalled. Uh-oh… 

You laughed nervously and feigned forgetfulness. “What? I don’t think I remember-”

“I do!” She insisted. “You were her best friend.”

“I’d like to think I still am,” Brian replied. “I’m honestly surprised she didn’t run for the hills the moment I opened my mouth.”

Your mother chuckled, “Nonsense! I can see why she said you were so charming. And I remember one time she called me and said that she thought she fancied-”

“OKAY MUM!” Donna cut her off. Brian gave you and her a confused look. Thank God for Donna… “Don’t we have something in the oven?”

“Oh, good heavens! You’re right! Donna will show you to your room.” She turned and ran back inside. “JAMES!” She screeched. “HELP YOUR SISTERS AND BRIAN WITH THE LUGGAGE!”

There was grumbling from inside the house and you steeled yourself for the arrival of your brother. You turned to face Brian quickly as the two of you went back to the car to grab your bags. “I apologize in advance for anything that he says.”

“I can handle it.” He assured you. “I’ve already heard snippets of his typical vocabulary. I’ll be okay.”

As if on cue your brother materialized in the doorway looking classy as ever in an old pair of denim trousers and a stained t-shirt. He tiredly hobbled over, giving Brian a strange look as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“You must be Brian,” James grumbled out. He looked him up and down suspiciously. “I see my sisters weren’t lying about you.”

“I am very much real. Were you expecting a bloke that looked like me? Perhaps less poodle-ish,” Brian called out, trying to lighten the mood up a little bit as he pulled another suitcase from the trunk.

Your brother hummed, unsatisfied, and finally looked at you. “You brought him.”

“Yeah, I wasn’t lying,” you said, cocking your head up proudly.

James hummed again, eyeing your, unbeknownst to him, fake boyfriend. Brian leaned against the car, having unloaded the last of the luggage, nodding a greeting at your brother.

“We’re definitely dating,” you urged. You stood next to Brian and he kissed the side of your head, while you stared down James.

James hummed a third time, oddly quiet. He glanced between you and Brian as if trying to see through the ruse. You were getting nervous.

“Yeah,” your brother stared right through you, “we’ll see about that.”

You, Brian, and Donna fidgeted nervously, not quite sure how to respond to what he said.

You cleared your throat and attempted to diffuse the tension. “Is this any way to greet your sister?”

He gave you a small smile that didn’t reach his eyes and a half-assed hug. Ah, yes, the depth of your brother’s affection… 

Brian and James went to work grabbing the luggage wordlessly. You grabbed one of your bags and walked arm-in-arm with Donna. The two of you shared a look as you went inside and up the stairs.

“Here you go, lovebirds.” James half-tossed the luggage into his old room. 

So this was where your mum had placed the two of you… It was the quietest and most isolated room in the house. Sitting above the garage, in the corner of the second floor, it was hard to disturb anyone with noise especially since the other two rooms on the floor were a decent distance away.

You wouldn’t have minded the space so much if the bed wasn’t a full-size and Bri wasn’t such a tall man.

“Are…” you started, “we sharing?” You hadn’t prepared for this. You couldn't even look at Brian. 

You hadn’t counted on this being a part of the deal. And, of course, neither had Brian. God… you should have asked! At the very least to prepare yourself… To prepare Brian. You felt a pit forming in your belly. 

“Yep,” he responded. “Mum figured the two of you would want to stay in the same area during your stay.”

“She and dad were okay with that?”

James leaned against the doorway. Donna stood behind him sheepishly. She had left that part out conveniently during the phone calls. “Mum was insistent. Dad put up more of a fight. They agreed though eventually.”

You looked at him with your mouth ajar, much like a fish. “Oh.”

“Is that going to be an issue?” James looked you and your fake boyfriend in the eye, a challenge.

Brian jumped to action. “Not at all. Thank you, James.”

He gave a tight-lipped smile and walked away with his arms crossed. You waited to hear his footsteps go down the creaky stairs before tearing into Donna.

She lowered her voice with her arms outstretched in front of her. “Before you yell at me, I didn’t know how to tell you. There are ears everywhere.”

You pinched the bridge of your nose. “You couldn't have mentioned that? Like at all?”

“I’m sorry!” She whisper-yelled. “What would you have wanted me to do? Say that the two of you shouldn’t share a room? It’ll be easier to communicate with the both of you in the same space. Could you imagine being separate for a week while you try to pull this off?”

You supposed she was right. “No, no. You’re right.” You took a deep breath and changed your tone of voice so the rest of the house could hear you. “Thank you, Donna. I think we’re going to nap.”

She matched your tone. “Of course! I’ll let the two of you get settled in!” You mouthed a ‘thank you’ at her before she closed the door behind her and skipped away.

And then there were two.

“You’ve been awfully quiet, Br- What are you doing?”

Brian was setting up his luggage next to the loveseat in the room and had found the spare blankets from the closet. He was making a bed on the couch. If he thought he was taking the couch, you’d be damned.

“What does it look like I’m doing?”

“It looks like you’re making my bed, how kind of you! But really I’m the host so I must insist that you leave your accommodations to me, Mr. May.” You grabbed the spare pillow out of his hand and kicked his bag toward the bed. You began lugging your bag close to the couch. Brian stuck his foot out and stopped the bag.

“‘Your’ bed? I’m taking the couch.” He gently grabbed your bag and chucked it onto the bed. Your jaw dropped.

“No, Brian. I’m taking the couch. You’re too tall for it.” It was true. You could fit the couch much more comfortably than he could.

“Ah, but you see, as your boyfriend,” you rolled your eyes goodnaturedly, “I must be chivalrous and relinquish the bed to my beloved.”

“You’re being an ungrateful guest,” you countered.

He winced. “Low blow.”

“I’m not above it.” Brian snatched the pillow back and began rubbing his hair on it. “What on earth are you doing?”

“Staking my claim,” he answered, matter-of-factly. His hair was a static-y mess. As if to prove his point he tossed his body haphazardly onto the couch and sprawled out, limbs and all. “This is mine.”

“You act like you laying on top of something is going to deter me in any way.” You laughed at his logic. “Being on the couch does not mean it is suddenly uninhabitable.”

“It does.” He pointedly stretched his limbs out more. “Watch me.”

“This argument is going nowhere.”

“I agree. Which is why you should just let me take the couch.”

“What if we-”

A knock on the door sounded. Brian shot up and the two of you tossed the blankets and pillow haphazardly on the bed. You answered the door with Brian hovered closely behind you.

James. He had a smirk on his face. How much of the conversation had he heard?

“Yes?” you asked through gritted teeth.

“I don’t know if I mentioned it or not but I thought I’d be thorough and tell you that this room gets rather cold in the winters. The garage isn’t insulated and neither are the walls that this room shares with it.”

“Oh, really?”

“I mean, you’re already sharing a bed so that’ll help but you might want to grab some extra blankets on top of that. Perhaps a second bed’s worth.” He peeked in to see the mound of blankets on the bed. “But it looks like the two of you have already figured that out.”

You chuckled dryly. “Yep. Thanks for the pointer.”

James hummed a laugh. “Anytime.” And like the asshole he was he sauntered away humming a Bob Dylan song. You pushed the door closed and rested your forehead on it.

“We could switch nights?” You offered. Brian knew you better than that; of all the sensations that you hated (fatigue, hunger, headache, etc.) being cold was what you loathed the most.

“Or we could just share the bed like they suspect us to…” He suggested. You looked at him. He didn’t seem to be pulling your leg.

“You wouldn’t be uncomfortable with that?” Your fingers picked at the ends of your hair.

Brian had his hands on his hips. “Not at all. Unless you would be.”

You looked him in the eye and then to the floor, your arms crossed. “I’m fine with it.”

“I guess we’ll share it then,” he affirmed.

“Yep.” You popped the ‘p.’

The two of you looked at the surrounding room and its four walls. The couch. The bed. The windows. Anywhere but each other. This was real. All the time you had pretended to be dating before you got to your parents house suddenly felt like dress rehearsals. This. This was real. And things were different.

This was showtime.

“Well, then,” Brian filled the silence. “Now that it’s settled why don’t we set up the room? We did tell them we were taking a nap. We can get settled a little bit.” 

You nodded.

“I’ll do the bed if you do the closet?”

You nodded wordlessly again and took a deep breath before kicking off your shoes and opening the closet. You heard Brian take off his coat and toss it onto the couch. You set yours on top of his and reminded yourself to put in the coat closet downstairs by the front door.

As promised you began hanging some of your items and with Brian’s permission began helping him with his. The bathroom that was conjoined to the room soon had your various shampoo, tooth brushes, and regular hair brushes strewn across the counter top and among the shelves in the shower.

Amongst the thoughts of how absolutely spoiled rotten James had been up here while you and your sister had to share a smaller room was another more alarming notion. As you put yours and Brian’s shoes down on the floor of the closet and split the drawers between the two of you your mind drifted to the small part of it that realized how naturally it looked, how naturally it felt to have the items in the same space. To have Brian’s giant shoes next to yours. To have his various hair brushes that resembled Medieval torture devices right next to your own weapons of choice. To dance and bustle about a small space in a rhythm so natural that an onlooker would swear it was rehearsed.

“You’ve been awfully pensive,” Brian snapped you out of your stupor as you pulled a dress of yours onto a hangar and set it on your side of the closet trying to move in such a way that maybe you’d forget your hands were shaking and maybe Brian wouldn’t notice your hands shaking. “Penny for your thoughts?”

“I…” you took a breath. You didn’t really know what to say. Instead you just turned and let yourself fall onto the couch back first and stared up at the blank ceiling. “This is really happening.”

“Hey.” Brian appeared into view as we walked to you and looked down. “Are you alright?”

You finally made eye contact with Brian and shook your head. Trying to will your tears back into your ducts with the help of good old-fashioned gravity you stared back up at the ceiling again.

Brian rushed to crouch at your side. “Woah, woah, woah. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

You turned to face him and sat up so that he could sit next to you on the couch. “No, it wasn’t you. I’m just overwhelmed. I still can’t believe I’m in this mess. That my family sees so much of my value in my relationships and not me. That it went this far. That I actually care so much about what they think even though I shouldn’t. That I dragged you into this.”

Brian hummed in understanding and pulled you into a hug. “Well, first of all, you didn’t drag me into this. I body slammed myself into this. You didn’t even really need to ask me to help you; if anything I dragged you into this. Remember our little moment on the driveway?”

Yes… How infuriatingly encouraging he had been. How embarrassingly frantic you had behaved. He was right. Brian was unfailingly loyal to you. If he hadn’t backed down then, when you had offered him a way out.

“You know you’re earning your ‘poodle’ title more and more,” you commented.

Brian cocked his head. “How so?”

“Lanky, tall, high-maintenance-”

“Feeling the love. Thank you.”

“But still an excellent companion and unbelievably sweet.”

Brian gave you a soft smile and rubbed his arm up and down your back. “If I was a humbler person I might tell you to stop.”

“Oh I’m stopping,” you said, sniffling back your tears and exhaling the panic. “If your head gets any more full of hot air, your hair is going to start defying the laws of physics without any assistance.”

“Yeah, you’re feeling better,” Brian quipped, feigning offense.

“I’m sorry… which one of us brought more brushes and styling products?”

“I want to make a good first impression! I may be a fake boyfriend but I still want your family to like me.” He defended.

“You’ll be great! Aside from James, you’d have to do something really out of character to get them to not like you.”

“Not this ‘be yourself’ stuff again,” Brian complained and threw his head back to rest on the back of the couch.

“It’s true. They’ll love you!” You encouraged him.

Brian’s face took on that infamous cheeky expression. Uh-oh… “Is it because I’m… so charming?”

Your face flushed in remembrance of what your mother had almost let slip. You leaned forward and covered your face with your hand. “Why did I know you were going to bring that up?”

“Because you know me better than anyone else.” He replied, matter-of-factly. 

“I think your mum might contend with me on that, Bri,” you offered.

“And I knew you were going to say that.” Brian shrugged in consideration. “Fine. You and my mum know me better than anyone else.”

“Well,” you set your hand on his knee. A once platonic gesture, it felt different this time. You continued, hurrying your way through what you were going to say so that it wouldn’t be as awkward when you stopped touching, “since we know each other so well, I’d say we stock up on rest while we can.”

“You talk like we’re going to be running a marathon for the next week.”

“Trust me, Bri,” you responded, standing up and laying down comfortably on the bed. “You’re gonna need it.”

Brian looked at you in disbelief. “Oh please. I’ve dealt with concerts for years. How bad can it be?!”

TAGS: @andtheswordwentsnickersnack​ @phantoms-lynn​

[warriorsfireandwater]

Laurel power of the 3?

Laurel: What changes to the books would you make if you could write the series?

I got two requests for this one! While I'm sort of following the same idea of "sticking closer to canon but making it functionally better", I think this series is really indicative of how poor planning made it functionally worse than its predecessors. So while I'll try to avoid diving too deep into AU territory, there will be some more significant changes to try and make it all work together better. Some of my thoughts on this have been influenced by @tennelleflowers‘s video on their Po3 changes - it’s a really great take on the series!

First, I would straight up butcher this series into three books. There’s a lot of filler here with the ancients and visits to the tribe and the mess that is the last book, and I would just boot all that to the curb. There could be some mentions of ancients, but the tribe visits feel less than necessary to the plot.

The Sight: Lionkit, Jaykit, Hollykit are just starting to grow up in ThunderClan. I would put greater emphasis on how they’re raised by the other queens in the nursery, especially Ferncloud but Daisy as well. They still love Squirrelflight and view her as her mother, but they’re very close to Ferncloud and Daisy. Squirrelflight has kept up with her warrior duties since Ferncloud has nursed the three when Squirrel’s milk didn’t come in. All around their kithood is just fuzzy and warm and they grow up encouraged by everyone - INCLUDING JAYKIT. None of that “everyone looks at him with pity :(((((” shenanigans. If anyone suggested Jaykit was unfit for anything, Mama Ferncloud had some stern words for them.

Things play out mostly the same across the book. Jaypaw starts out his training with Brightheart and Hollypaw with Leafpool, but they do end up switching. For Jaypaw its not because he’s bad at being a warrior or because Spottedleaf is harassing him into it, but because he has been aware of the strange dreams he has and more than once has woken up in the dreams of other cats. He feels like he’s been getting signs from StarClan but he can’t make sense of them, and he likes the allure of being able to communicate with StarClan and have that position of power and respect in the Clan (which is reinforced, because the watering-down of the influence of medicine cats later series is frustrating). Hollypaw conversely realizes that being a medicine cat is far more lonely than she expected, and notices how lonely Leafpool clearly is, even if she isn’t open about it. Hollypaw doesn’t want that for herself and sees the fun the other apprentices have, so she agrees to become a warrior apprentice instead. Brightheart takes over her training.

Lionpaw doesn’t have a huge arc here, he’s mostly kind of a doofus who comes off arrogant due to his skills but starts to learn throughout his apprenticeship that just being a meathead isn’t going to get the other apprentices to like him. Him and Berrypaw have a friendly rivalry. The Sight ends with Jaypaw receiving the prophecy from StarClan.

Dark Eclipse: Borrowing the title from my Wind!Po3 au... this is when Sol is introduced. He arrives to the Clans, showing himself to lone warriors or small patrols, making minor predictions and claiming to be able to preform miracles. He mostly predicts cats futures - if they’ll find love, how many kits they’ll have, silly things like that. Cats start eating it up despite being suspicious of the loner, because their medicine cats don’t do that kind of thing and honestly, it’s fun. Sol is mysterious but friendly, keeping cats at an arm’s length while dangling information in front of them. He also generally positions himself as being very all-knowing of the history of the lake, sun-drown place, and the “ancient cats” that used to live here.

While Jaypaw is out collecting herbs on his own, he happens across a tunnel (by accident, from falling into it), where he meets a cat with no scent that leads him out. He finds the ancient stick, and wants to know more about what the tunnels are all about - so of course, he goes to Sol to learn from him. Sol is more than happy to teach Jaypaw about the history of the ancients in exchange for information about the clans today (under the guise that he is something of a historian and likes collecting information wherever he goes). Sol also has heard of Jaypaw’s prophecy, and he claims he wants to help Jaypaw understand it and grow into his power.

Lionpaw starts having dreams with Hawkfrost and Tigerstar, and while he doesn’t trust them, he DOES want to learn their fighting skill. They also seem to have some sense of his special abilities, and claim to want to help him better understand them. This is when Lionpaw’s power in the waking world starts to have more... uncomfortable tones. Lionpaw starts losing his temper easily, becomes more aggressive, and finally during a training session he unsheathes his claws to claw another apprentice. This lands him in trouble, and he’s told he has to spend a quarter-moon helping Leafpool and Jaypaw in the medicine cats’ den to learn how to take care of others. During this Jaypaw walks in a dream with him and catches him visiting Hawkfrost and Tigerstar. Afterwards, Jaypaw threatens to tell Firestar unless Lionpaw stops visiting them. Lionpaw doesn’t want to give up his training, but he doesn’t want to get in trouble with Firestar, either - so Jaypaw admits he has his own teacher who Lionpaw can visit.

Hollypaw, meanwhile, is adjusting to being a warrior apprentice. She’s unlike her brothers - she’s much friendlier than Jaypaw and more intelligent that Lionpaw, and she’s not bad at hunting or fighting but not particularly egotistical about it. She can be a stickler for the warrior code, but generally she gets along with the other apprentices and begins to become the ringleader of the group. She is notably distant from her brothers, though, which makes her upset but she isn’t sure how to fix it. Jaypaw is fixated on his medicine cat training and is inherently separated from her by his role, but Lionpaw has just been... tired and grouchy and mean. To make matters worse, he starts disappearing during the day, too! Hollypaw is fed up with this and stalks her brothers one day (feeling a bit hurt that they’ve been spending time together without her) and catches them meeting Sol. She finds this absolutely disgraceful - he’s a rogue, smart or not! Jaypaw tells her that he can help them understand the prophecy, which only infuriates her more - because why didn’t they tell her about it in the first place if that was the point of meeting him? Furious, she storms right off and reports them to Firestar. They are both in trouble now for leaving the territory and their training to talk to a rogue, and Firestar is especially concerned to hear they’ve been sharing information about the Clans with him. A ThunderClan patrol tries to track him down, but Sol seems to have vanished.

Sol later shows up at a Gathering (with mixed reviews from the audience - as it turns out, all four Clans have seen this mysterious loner, and some admire his knowledge while others are pissed off about this outsider frolicking across the territories distracting their warriors and NOW having the audacity to strut into the gathering). He says he’s going to make the sun go out. Cats are like “wtf????” and Sol repeats this and says he is more powerful than StarClan and will show the Clans that it is so. Cats grow angry and fearful, some even wanting to kill him for suggesting such a thing, and Sol just sort of smirks and says “If your StarClan is so powerful, then I suppose they’ll keep the sun lit tomorrow.” With that he takes off and cats are freaking out, clouds are covering the moon, and the Clans call off the Gathering.

Cut to the next day when things are progressing more or less normally (with some general nervousness). A WindClan patrol storms right through ThunderClan territory, claiming to have heard ThunderClan is harboring Sol. Of course, they’re not - and when WindClan is about to attack them, a ShadowClan patrol races to ThunderClan asking for help because RiverClan is attacking them for “harboring Sol”, which they claim not to be doing. WindClan turns on ShadowClan, ThunderClan is confused, fights are breaking out, its all around madness. A few hisses turns into all-out war, but no one knows whose side is fighting for whose. Someone cries out that Firestar is losing a life - 

Then the sun goes out.

Outcast: This book picks right back up in the middle of the panic, with some cat shrieking that Firestar is dying. Thing is, no one is sure who killed him, because it’s chaotic and hard to see due to the, you know, black sun. Jaypaw is trying to get his way through the fray with Leafpool to make it to Firestar.

They don't make it in time. They get there and he's dead. Actually dead. Jaypaw is in shock, and Leafpool is shaking with grief—but Jaypaw catches a sense of rage in her.

"He had two lives left," she snarls. "He had two lives."

Jaypaw understands and is horrified. Firestar's wounds are fatal, but they're not horrific. Coming back from the loss of his eighth life should have healed him enough to survive through the ninth. Someone waited and killed him again.

The eclipse ends with Sol atop a tree, declaring he has proven himself to be stronger than StarClan. Cats are horrified by the aftermath of the short but bloody battle. All the Clans are calling for blood, until Blackstar admits that Sol clearly has knowledge that would benefit ShadowClan and brings him back to camp with him.

ThunderClan is feeling really low after everyone realizes Firestar was killed. Cats are willing to accept it was an accident until Leafpool reveals what she realized, and that just ramps them up to pissed. Cats pretty quickly jump to thinking it’s Sol, but Jaypaw isn’t sure. Sol was never aggressive, and he had seemed to be out of the fight. Jaypaw tries to say this with mixed effects. Lots of fingers are pointed, but Brambleclaw doesn’t want to start off his leadership attacking another Clan without being sure. There’s a bit of an early-to-mid book lag here, with cats trying to maintain normal Clan life but Very Stressed about the fact that their leader was murdered twice in battle. Aaaand cue the fire.

Fire scene plays out like canon. Ashfur traps the three and Squirrel reveals the truth to the horror of her kids. It’s a bit more emphasized here that he had some involvement with Firestar being trapped in the fox trap a while back - he specifically says “I just regret not staying to make sure the job was finished”. Lionblaze believes this means he killed Firestar in the battle.

A couple days pass. Ashfur’s body is discovered. Cats are FREAKING out thinking someone is trying to murder ThunderClan cats now. Bramblestar finally gets a patrol together to go to ShadowClan and demand they give up Sol—but ShadowClan won't have it. Things are just weird there, with Sol and other rogues just hanging out and Blackstar declaring ShadowClan is following Sol's wisdom now. Sol comes down and says he did not kill Ashfur or Firestar but is happy to help with their investigation. Hollyleaf and Lionblaze go along and Lionblaze INSISTS Sol must be lying. Hollyleaf is notably feeling eaten up inside from the reveal of not being Squirrel's kit, and starts to work out the whole truth. At the next Gathering, she jumps on the the tree and reveals everything—how Squirrelflight lies about being their mother, about Leafpool and Crowfeather. Chaos ensues. Hollyleaf runs away, and Lionblaze chases her.

"What's wrong with you?" he snarls. "You ruined everything! Do you have any idea what I did to protect us?"

Jayfeather catches up and sees his memory of Lionblaze killing Ashfur. (I think HE should be the one to kill Ashfur so Hollyleaf's breakdown/killing feels less contradictory and because it fits Lion's power + Ash was his mentor.) When he killed Ashfur, he basically beat him to a pulp until Ashfur admitted he was the one that killed Firestar and repeated he was just sorry he hadn’t done it when he last had the chance to hurt Squirrelflight. Jayfeather shares this with Hollyleaf, who is horrified by what her brother has done and is afraid of how angry he is. She runs off into a tunnel, which collapses, and Jay and Lion believe she’s dead. Lionblaze feels a tremendous amount of guilt, believing he just killed his sister. Jayfeather is shaken and asks how the prophecy can still come true without her, which makes Lionblaze angry - “Don’t you care that our sister just died?”

The book ends on a dark tone, with Lionblaze being eaten up by guilt from Hollyleaf’s death, and not speaking to Jayfeather. Jayfeather is upset that Hollyleaf is dead but is extremely concerned for the sake of the prophecy (to the point of being half in denial about her death - thinking she simply can’t be dead because the prophecy needs her). The story ends with him helping Whitewing birth her kits, Dovekit and Ivykit, and when Cloudtail comes to visit his daughter, he is struck by the recollection that Whitewing is Firestar’s kin as well, making her daughters “kin of his kin”. He feels more hopeful after this, thinking to himself that he will keep a close eye on the kits so that they aren’t lost like Hollyleaf. This also leaves some plot threads for OotS to resolve - Sol isn’t gone, ShadowClan is clearly starting to have issues, and the Clan still isn’t sure who killed Ashfur.

[kevkesblog]

Translation: Julian Brandt Interview for “11 Freunde” (June 18, 2020)

Attention: long post! Julian talks about overblown salaries in football, why he even stays at two-star hotels, why he thinks football should not be dramaticly reformed and why you won’t see him in Gucci clothing & more.

Julian Brandt, what do you miss the most at the moment?

Ju:     Just going outside and sitting in a café with some friends. Enjoying a bit more freedom. But I think many people have the same wishes right now.

Yet, the break because of the Corona pandemic seem to have lifted you. You were involved in all four goals during the 4-0 win against Schalke.

Ju:     I would still have preferred it, without the break. I mean it’s like this: sometimes you need just a few days to arrive at a place, sometimes it takes months. Feeling well in a city, a club and with my teammates is important. I’m a football player that needs a comfortable environment.

How was it for you at BVB in the beginning?

Ju:     There were definitely no fireworks at the beginning. But honestly, I kind of expected to need more time. I think thats normal after five and a half years at Bayer Leverkusen. It was a great time there, but in the end it was a comfort zone for me. I switched to BVB because I wanted to do something new.

And because Marco Reus asked you.

Ju:     Many people were in favour of me going to Dortmund. Even my mother wore yellow pullovers astonishingly often, during the time before my transfer happend. And Marco asked me at the national team, that’s true. I felt honored, but I saw a chance playing for a team which plays competitively for the title until the end of the season and is represented in the Champions League regularly, those were the main reasons for my transfer.

What else is different in Dortmund than in Leverkusen?

Ju:     Dortmund is bigger in almost every regard. Even the stadium is enormous and it becomes even more imposing with people in it. Building such a stadium somewhere is one thing. Brining it to live however like in Dortmund – that’s an art in and of itself. You don’t get that very often in Europe. Leverkusen – and I have to be honest here – has never been on my radar for me as a boy. But it’s the perfect club if you want to develop as a young player. I already suspected this after I talked to Rudi Völler for the first time.

I was told, you said „Rudi Völler has honest eyes“ to your father afterwards.

Ju:     He has a sincere attitude. I would have believed everything he said. And his promises became reality. We were playing attractive and successful football. And you don’t get so much pressure as a young player from the outside. The media landscape for example is much smaller in Leverkusen than elsewhere.

Do you miss the fans in the stadium in Dortmund?

Ju:     I was never that guy who was aware of stuff that happend on the stands. But after the game against Inter Mailand, where we were behind 0-2 before the break and won 3-2 in the end – I recognized how important football is for the people here and how much they were willing to support us. It was so honest, authentic and direct. One of the best games thus far.

Before that Michael Rummenigge critized you as „C-youth player“. That was after the Inter game where you scored as well. Was that a key moment?

Ju:     Everybody can voice their opinions that’s totally fine for me. I’m not a person who jumps on it.  And I wasn’t really satisfied with my game as well. Perhaps the 2-1 win against Gladbach a few days before was a turning point. Not only, because I scored twice, but rather because I was able to play on the ten for the first time. After that my game became better.

You said in the beginning of your time at BVB „Peter Bosz liked the risk. We don’t really have that here in Dortmund“. Did the way you play now changed?

Ju:     We play nice football under Lucien Favre. He likes an offensive tactic. Adding that, we score alot of goals. But Peter Bosz was a special coach in that regard because we played a modern version of football with a high amount of ball possesion – often over 80 percent. And we not only wanted to keep the ball all the time, while playing until our opponent gets tired like it’s the case with tiki-taka football. We were always on the attack. At BVB we put more emphasis on the defensive at the beginning. It was a change for me, since I wanted to have the ball and not running behind him all the time.

Is football an elegant game?

Ju:     My room as child was full of „Bravo“-magazine posters with offensive players. Nedved, Robinho, Del Piero and the best among the best: Ronaldinho. I liked it whenever players carry their street football skills to the pitch. Whenever somebody is looking for something spectacular. I want to gamble and not just act in a rigid system.

Doesn’t modern tactics prevent something like this?

Ju:     You are basically being funneled at youth football academies with: receive the ball, passing, receiving, passing. There a strict requirements you have to follow. But I think good teams need self-confident players, saying „No, I won’t fit in, but I rather go into a one-on-one situation“. We have such guys in our national team. Leroy Sané or Timo Werner. Kai Havertz is a player who has a street football mentality too. Often it looks very easy, but it’s not. It just passed over into blood.

You are wearing the jersey number 10 at the national team. Like you also wore at Leverkusen. Does that do something with you?

Ju:     I feel lighter in some sense. Perhaps because I know that you have to earn the number ten. Not like in the past, but I do think it has a certain meaning yes.

We heard you don’t like to talk about your strengths. Why?

Ju:     I think, it looks like I’m a show off. I have enough self-confidence already.

Yet you do know that you can shoot really good. Who taught you?

Ju:     Many things happened because I just tried. I even knew as a ten-year old boy: if I want to become a great football player I have to be able to shoot well with both feet. So, for weeks I shoot with my left foot on our lawn. Shot, flank, pass. It helped a lot. I met Federico Palacios during my youth time in Wolfsburg. He taught me insane techniques. I had a phase were I was obsessively training my first contact: not trying to stop the ball between the lines, but rather take the ball without defender nor midfielder getting the ball instead.

What are your weaknesses?

Ju:     My headers. But I’m currently working on it and I often score. At least without opponent (laughs). Some people say I can work more on my defensive work. And yes, there is some truth to it, even after I already worked on it for quite some time. The thing is: I’m not an aggressive person, its not who I am. But of course, I understand whenever coaches say I need to have a certain minimum amount of aggressive behavior on the pitch.

Do you have a career plan?

Ju:     No, everything I do, I do spontaneously.

But everything you do looks so reasonable: youth football for your home club. Training at a football academy in Wolfsburg. Professional debut at Bayer Leverkusen, your transfer to BVB a year ago…

Ju:     Honestly: I could not have imagined going to VfL Wolfsburg as well at the beginning. Why should a boy do this, when he basically grew up just a 20 minute bike ride away from the Weser stadium in Bremen and was standing in the fan curve in his youth?

Because Werder [Bremen] overlooked you?

Ju:     That’s not true. I even got invited to a try-out training. But then I looked at some other academies. I wasn’t only looking at VfL Wolfsburg. For example I looked at FC St. Pauli as well. Yet, I had the best feeling with Wolfsburg.

Why?

Especially during the ages 15 to 18 a lot is happening: you grow, your muscle mass is increasing, you slowly get to play with the professionals. On the other hand, many doors are opening. Your friends go partying for example. I liked being on a football academy for two and a half years. You couldn’t leave the campus after 11 o’clock in the evening. Apart from that we were very successful and won the German a-youth championship. But I can still remember how perplexed my parents were at the breakfast table, back when I told them about my decision to join Wolfsburg.

You are being called the “Anti-Star” of the business quite often. Does that do something with you?

Ju:     Many people seem to think it’s probably because I have no tattoos and my father is my agent. But to be honest: there are some football player clichées I fit in. I like fast cars. I like playing playstation and I have 40 pairs of shoes in my closet. I just try not to pretend to be someone else. I wouldn’t look good in a Gucci-pullover.

Others like to call you “premature”. You were allowed to train with the professionals at the age of 15 in Wolfsburg. How did you do that?

Ju:     That was insane and unreal. I was riding my bike to the training ground one day and the assistant coach Bernd Hollerbach took me to his side and said: “Introduce yourself to the coach”. So, I went into his office. “Hello Mr. Magath, I’m Julian from the under-17 team.” Of course, I was suspecting he already knew me otherwise I wouldn’t have gotten an invitation. But he was just staring at the television. After a while – it felt like an eternity – he looked at me, didn’t say a word, total silence and then he turned away. And then I was sneaking out of the room.

Magath wanted to test you?

Ju:     I was unsettled a bit, but I wasn’t thinking about it anymore on the pitch. It doesn’t matter who is on your side, or whether your opponent is twenty years older than you and who your father is.

Did you nutmeg someone?

Ju:     I would have been beaten for that. On the other hand: the pain fades away, the nutmeg stays (laughs). I remember I unintentionally shoot a ball into Marvin Hitz’s face.

How many agents were lining up at your doorstep at the time?

Ju:     I stopped counting it after a while. I don’t think all agents are bad but I don’t need one at the moment. I have my father. He may not be Mino Raiola with thousands of contacts all over the world. But he doesn’t need them.

Nevertheless: this son-father-constellation also has it’s potential conflicts…

Ju:     Our family sticks together – we are very harmonic and strong. I can’t remember a time where we were had an argument. I lived together with my brother in Cologne. I also have a connection with my father because of football. He used to play for the first team at SC Borgfeld – which was also my first club. I still remember: we went into the clubhouse whenever the Champions League was on. It was the best day of the week.

Now it’s about big business. Do you know your own worth?

Ju:     It was downgraded since the outbreak of the pandemic. I read that on so some sites.

But it’s still 40 million euros. What does such a number do with you?

Ju:     I can handle that because I can manage those numbers quite well. There is a lot money floating around in football. And I know its not easy to comprehend it with normal standards anymore. We live in our own bubble in that regard. The salaries in football are in no relation to what normal people earn – even with football being the greatest sport on earth. But why is that the case? Because sponsors are flushing so unbelievable high amounts of money into football. I think it’s important not to make the sport a luxury item. It has to stay affordable. In the stadium as well as in front of the TV.

Explain to us: why does a professional football player negotiate whether he should get 10 or 11 million euros per year?

Ju:     It shows how greedy people can be sometimes. But that’s not football specific. It’s as unfair as the richest one percent of the world’s population owning more than half of the world’s wealth, right?

Could this crisis perhaps be a chance in order for football to calm down?

Ju:     Perhaps in the short term. For the next one or two years. If any. I can’t imagine a player like Mbappé being sold next year for 80 million euros. Someone will always pay those insane sums of money.

How do you ground yourself?

Ju:     Through my family and friends. Many are studying or doing an apprenticeship. It’s never about money when we talk, I just like having a great time with them. We don’t need a luxury vacation. But one time: we went to Mallorca for four or five days just as we qualified for the Champions League with Bayer Leverkusen. We stayed at a normal two-star-hotel, one room with a bed and a bathroom – that was it. We went to the beach and relaxed.

Has there never been a situation where a friend or family member had to take you back to the ground?

Ju:     No. I can’t remember that I ever reacted arrogant or snooty. Or a situation where I thought: “Wow. That’s not who you are”. I’m fully aware of my very privileged life. In short: my greatest worry is whether we will win or loose on the weekends. It’s important to be thankful and to remind yourself what you got every once in a while.

Why do you have to remind yourself stuff like that all the time?

Ju:     In order for it never to become normal. I know cheese costs about 69 cents at the grocery store and a different one costs 1,29 euros. But if a tool or device breaks down I sometimes just buy myself a new one. Whereas in the past I would have repaired it by myself.

But is football still the same game you fell in love with as a kid?

Ju:     Absolutely. The game itself hasn’t really changed much. Okay, we have the goal line technology – which I support. And we got the video assistant referee, were people can argue. I abstain in that question. Once in a while, new ideas are being floated: like reducing the playtime to 60 minutes, new tournaments, elite leagues – I think it’s all bullshit. Keep football like it is. The way we learned it. With all its faults and tricky aspects. Even if something goes wrong.

Like during the World Cup 2018. Did you know that you could be the first DFB-team leaving the tournament after the group stage?

Ju:     At some point he heard of it. It doesn’t really look good on your vita but it happened. Perhaps we needed this in order for something new to emerge. You have to remember: other great football nations also failed in similar ways. Italy, Spain or France all crashed out of the group stage after they won the World Cup.

Did the photo with Mesut Özil and Erdogan brought some unrest into the team?

Ju:     The fact that almost all reporting was revolving around that topic was irritating sometimes. Don’t get me wrong: I think its important for the media to cover political topics extensively and with background stories. But I remember after the game against Sweden – after we barely won because of Toni Kroos free kick: shortly after the game you get asked whether the poor performance during the first 75 minutes were due to the photo – and you thinking: why don’t we talk about the game? Mesut became the poster boy for the disappointing World Cup. That’s nonsense. We all played shitty.

During the Confed-Cup the year before, many young players were in the team. At the World Cup the established players came back. Did Löw put his trust into the wrong players in Russia?

Ju:     You can come to that conclusion afterwards, but you don’t know it in advance. I could fully understand Low though. He was loyal and in some cases he felt some gratitude. He couldn’t and he didn’t want to replace a World Cup winner from 2014 with a young player. The way we were defeated at the World Cup was not foreseeable. Because we also played great football between 2014 and 2018.

The team made it to the semifinals at the EURO 2016 and you became second with the Olympic football team in Rio.

Ju:     A great experience with a team that was just thrown together. A contribution of Horst Hrubesch.

What makes him special?

Ju:     He is just great, the guy! He’s from a different generation which you can tell with a lot of things around him. Once he wanted to show me how to shot from the side. I almost tore my muscle fiber doing it. But he manages it very well forming a team with young players. He’s a very free coach and very direct. He always called me lazy (laughs). And he has a very nice and dry sense of humor.

An example?

Ju:     Me and the Bender-twins were sitting together shortly before the semifinal against Nigeria. He came up and said: “Guys, losing today doesn’t make any sense anymore.” A funny sentence, but also true if you think about it.

Julian Brandt, you made over 200 Bundesliga games, played Champions League and participated in one World Cup. You just turned 24. Do you even still have time to suck it all in and enjoy it?

Ju:     Football is quick. I can still remember coming to Leverkusen – as if it was yesterday: my first game for the under 23 team against Essen. My Bundesliga debut against Schalke a week later. That was a little more than six years ago already. Crazy. Veteran players always say: “Enjoy it, because quickly your career will be over.” But how should you enjoy it? A game every four or five days. New photos, new events. You don’t have an awful lot of time to let everything sink in for a moment. I usually do that on new years eve. On a friend’s balcony. I even get sentimental then.

[grrover]

Title: you’re no better at swimming than you were in the beginning, but you come over at night and we practice all the breathing (Percy Jackson x Annabeth Chase)

Word Count: 7.3k

Summary:  “Well, it’s hard for me to be scared of something that you live in.”

 AU - Mortals, Neighbors

Author’s note: I was listening to Lorde’s “No Better” and the lyrics that I used for the title have always inspired me to create something, so I wrote this (closely based on those lyrics and loosley based on the song in general). I haven’t written fanfiction in 4 years, so I’m a little rusty. This was originally supposed to be a quick one-shot but quickly turned into something more, so I hope y’all enjoy!

[on AO3]

Annabeth was terrified of water. 

Swimming pool, pond, lake, ocean – it was all the same to her. It was as if the substance was alive, waiting to consume her whole. She wasn’t entirely sure when her vendetta against water had begun. Maybe it was during those infant swimming lessons her dad had attempted with her (the supposed reflex for baby Annabeth to flip herself onto her back just never kicked in). Maybe it was just her fear of the unknown because with Annabeth she had to know, and the fact that the most concrete fact about the ocean was that 95% of it was unknown wasn’t cutting it for her. She’ll stay on land. She’ll stay dry. She’ll stick to what she knew.

And that’s exactly what she did. That’s what she did when she was asked on her first date in the eighth grade, her step-mother nearly exploding with excitement as she stormed through Annabeth’s closet picking what she should wear, asking where he was taking her. The answer was initially going to be a ride on his boat, but Annabeth insisted on going to an arcade instead. She knew the place, she won all the games, he didn’t ask her out again. She knew he wouldn’t, she knew she could be intimidating… so why not test the waters?

That’s also what she did after Piper had grabbed her by the belt loops and kissed her at the beginning of ninth grade. She allowed herself to dip her toe into the unknown – just for a couple of months – exploring what could be a relationship with one of her closest friends. It was good, she liked girls, she knew she liked girls. But she also knew that Piper was not for her, not right now. She was better off as Annabeth’s friend. She knew that. And she knew Piper knew that too.

***

That’s not what she did when Percy Jackson moved next door the month before her sophomore year. Messy haired, browned skin, green-eyed Percy. She tried to observe him from the comfort of her window nook as he aided his parents in unpacking the moving truck. He was taller than his mother, even taller than his father, and appeared to be laughing at jokes said in passing. The corner of her lip curved into a slight smile – he was nice. It was then she decided to go introduce herself when she knew the time was right; when they were done unloading boxes.

She decided to go downstairs and do something else in the meantime, rather than risking having her snooping area found out by the new neighbors. As she began to sip on a cup of water at the kitchen island, her father and half-brother’s burst through the front door, both of them bubbling with excitement. 

“The new neighbors are so cool,” Matthew exclaimed, his twin brother, Bobby, nodding vigorously in agreement. 

So much for waiting for the right time. Yet, Annabeth couldn’t help but feel a twinge of excitement as well: new neighbors, cool new neighbors, with a son that was around her age. 

“Oh, really,” Annabeth rested against the island, raising her eyebrows in interest, “what’s so cool about them?”

By that point, Bobby and Matthew were nearly bouncing off the walls as they informed her of all the digestible, yet important details. Like how the son is her age, how they had just moved to San Francisco from New York City, how his name was Percy…

“And they have a massive pool in their yard. Percy said he’s going to teach us how to swim!”

Her dad just chuckled, putting a hand on both Bobby and Matthew’s shoulders as they walked closer towards the kitchen island together towards Annabeth, “Boys, you already know how to swim.”

“Annabeth doesn’t,” Bobby said as he hopped on a seat, Matthew followed suit. 

Annabeth narrowed her eyes, leaning towards the two of them from the opposite end of the island, blonde curls falling over her shoulders as she stared daggers at the twins, “Well did you tell him that?”

The lack of an answer from the two was all she needed, “I so don’t need to learn how to swim! Why would you tell him that?”

“Because you so do! He’s joining your school’s swim team so he knows his stuff,” Matthew rebutted. 

Fifth graders. Annabeth didn’t even have the time to murder them before her father sent her out to say hello. So, Annabeth stomped towards the house next door, her initial excitement about the new neighbors squashed by her annoyance for her little brothers. Of course, Percy’s a swimmer, of course, he’s going to her high school. The family was nowhere in sight outside, so Annabeth assumed that they had finished unloading the van – maybe timing worked in her favor after all.

She walked to the front door, lifting her fist to knock on it, but just as she did the door swung open and she was face to face with tall, messy-haired, browned skinned Percy. He had on a crisp olive green t-shirt, with black ripped jeans showing the scars and bruises scattered across his summer skin. His slightly overgrown jet black curls framed his face, a strand falling between his brows and resting right before the bridge of his nose. He was an unexpected hybrid between a skater boy and a surfer kid, belonging to both New York City yet appearing to be a California native simultaneously. Annabeth couldn’t help but notice the faded freckles scattered across his nose and cheeks, ending perfectly under his sea-green eyes. Sea-green eyes… maybe the water wasn’t so bad after all.

Percy’s eyes darted from Annabeth’s raised fist (which she quickly lowered) to her face, his initial slight alarm turning into a pleasantly surprised grin.

“You must be Annabeth,” he said, looking down at her with mischief dancing across his eyes, “the sister who can’t swim.”

The water continued to be unbearable. 

***

“He looks like an idiot.”

“He looks like Annabeth’s type.”

Annabeth refused to look up from her sketchbook, definitely not because she was blushing, more because she was focused. AP 3-D Art and Design was one of the few classes where she could see both Piper and Thalia at the same time, with Piper being a freshman and Thalia being a senior. For Annabeth, it was a class taken to further her career, giving her the creative space and resources she needed to strengthen her architectural portfolio. For Thalia and Piper, well, they thought it would be easier. Yet with Piper never failing to have a ceramics piece explode in the kiln and Thalia’s hatred for the texture of slip, the two of them resorted to scrolling through Percy’s Instagram page.

The Jackson family had progressively started to spend more time with the Chases and, as a result, Percy and Annabeth had begun to spend more time together as well. It startled Annabeth to her core that she had begun to trust Percy so much in such a short period of time.

“I have mommy issues,” she said to him one summer day, partially a joke, partially a bitter nod to her biological mother who had abandoned her and her father. She didn’t remember the conversation that prompted her to say this, and she wasn’t entirely sure what she expected to get out of Percy with that line. The two of them were merely lying on the loungers in Annabeth’s backyard: Annabeth with sunglasses on, staring up at the sky trying to soak up in the last few moments of summer freedom, Percy glistening with beads of water across his body because he had just lifted himself out of his pool before sprinting to Annabeth’s side to shake himself off on her. She was annoyed, yes, but the youthful laughter that spilled out from Percy’s lips upon seeing her frustration melted away all feelings of indignation.

So with all things considered, Annabeth expected an awkward laugh at least, maybe an equivalent joke about Percy’s own parental issues at best. Family problems had been one of their first bonding points, after all. But instead, Percy rolled onto his side to face Annabeth and asked in a charming yet cautious voice for Annabeth to take off her sunglasses. 

After gazing into her eyes, after seeing what was truly behind that statement, he simply asked “Do you want to talk about her?”

And that’s all Annabeth needed that afternoon.

What she didn’t need was Thalia and Piper scrolling through Percy’s Instagram page when they should be doing their work.

“Please don’t like anything on accident,” Annabeth begged as she leaned over to look at the picture Piper had pulled up. It was Percy submerged in the blue of the ocean, fish swarming around his body as he flashed a peace sign at the camera. He was wearing a wetsuit and scuba diving gear, his fin-wearing feet floating beneath him, brushing the coral and sand that lay at the bottom, as his upper body turned towards the camera. And despite the regulator that covered his mouth Annabeth could tell he was wearing a shit-eating grin based off of the gleam of excitement and mischief present in his eyes. Percy fucking Jackson.

“He’s definitely an idiot, Thalia, and he’s definitely not my type, Piper,” Annabeth replied before assuming the position she had before, going back to her sketch. 

“Oh, no, I think he’s your type,” Thalia corrected as she plucked Piper’s phone from her hands and continued to scroll down the page, “But I also think he’s an idiot. You guys would even each other out in every sense.”

She put extra emphasis on the last two words right as she turned the phone towards Annabeth, showing a similar scuba diving picture as before – God, is that all this boy could do? – that was captioned “I basically live in the water.”

Annabeth hated the water almost as much as she hated how perfect Percy’s loose curls looked floating in it.

***

The end of Annabeth and Percy’s sophomore year was bookmarked by a Jackson-Chase “End-of-Year” and “Thalia’s-Actually-Graduating” hybrid celebration. The two families opened up their fences so all invited parties could easily go in and out between the two yards, with a barbeque in the Chase backyard and the pool in the Jackson backyard being a center of wet, splashing, chaos. Annabeth’s father was at the grill rotating hot dogs and burgers, using Annabeth’s Yankees baseball cap to keep his hair out of his face in the midst of the newfound barely-even-summer-yet heat. In the distance, Annabeth could hear Bobby and Matthew hitting the surface of the Jacksons’ above ground pool, screeching and giggling as they blasted Percy with the water soakers he had gifted them earlier in the day.

“In honor of your fifth-grade graduation and the fact that I am no longer thirteen years old,” he had said in an obnoxiously declarative tone, emerging from his backdoor, a water soaker in each hand. He had the same shit-eating grin he had on in all his scuba diving photos – not that Annabeth had studied them periodically ever since that one conversation with Thalia and Piper, she would never – and his hair was beginning to become overgrown once again. 

Her brother’s beaming faces almost put Percy’s own smile to shame as they each took one as Percy finished his statement with, “Plus, I have a spare one that I can use to attack Annabeth with.”

He turned towards her and winked as her brothers voiced their gratitude and dashed to Annabeth’s kitchen to fill up their new weapons with the fatal substance.

“You need a haircut,” Annabeth said as she reached up on her tiptoes to brush Percy’s loose curls out of his face with her fingers.

“I like having my hair like this in the summer,” Percy replied, taking Annabeth’s wrist in his hand and lowering it away from his forehead, “You think it makes me look more like a Californian?”

Annabeth blamed the burning of her cheeks on the sun – God, why was it so hot today? – and nodded slowly, “Oh, yeah, I noticed the overgrown hair look in the summer. Does it make scuba diving any less terrifying, or are you just part fish? Would explain the small brain.”

She didn’t realize what her words had insinuated until Percy raised his eyebrows at her, the shit-eating grin finding its way back onto his newly freckled face. He hadn’t posted scuba diving pictures since before he moved to San Francisco at the end of last summer, and they were very much buried in his feed. The sun suddenly got a lot hotter.

So now, in the midst of this Jackson-Chase hybrid celebration, Annabeth hoped that her brothers would blast Percy with their water guns so hard that he lost all memory of that conversation. Maybe she was overreacting, maybe just a little bit, but she couldn’t have Percy Jackson thinking that she liked him or anything… unless he liked her.

Annabeth aggressively bit into her vaguely burnt hot dog. Fuck, she thought, examining the scene that played out in front of her. The sun had begun to set, leaving a hazy pink mark on the horizon as a crisp warm air flooded the backyards. Piper was sitting on the table in Annabeth’s backyard (no matter how many times Annabeth’s step-mother told Piper to not do so, she never listened), facing Thalia’s little brother, Jason, who was sitting on the chair in front of her. They seemed to be caught up in an interesting conversation, based upon the sly smile and glimmer in Piper’s eyes and Jason’s animated gestures. Her father had finished grilling and was now caught up in a conversation with Thalia’s parents and Paul, Percy’s step-father.

“I had no doubt in my mind Thalia was going to graduate, I swear!” Annabeth’s father exclaimed, 

She smiled softly to herself. How bittersweet; Thalia, her mentor, her best friend, was leaving her, and it was beginning to seem like the end of an era, but maybe it was only the beginning of something else. She could still hear the shrieks and splashes coming from the Jackson side of the party, the sounds of wet feet dashing across their’ evergreen grass. Annabeth could even hear Thalia joining in on whatever rambunctious game Percy and her brothers had invented with their water soakers, screaming at Percy about how idiotic he was before more splashing took place. 

Maybe this was the beginning of Annabeth’s new era, one that had Percy Jackson in it. One that was filled with more talks like the one she had about her mother and the dozens more that followed, where she could just talk and Percy just listened, staring up at her with sea-green eyes that somehow managed to whisper all the right words in her ear. One that would allow her to continue fostering the undeniable bond that she and Percy had formed in the handful of months since he moved in next door, the bond that allowed him to let tears stream down his face as Annabeth watched and stroked his arm. She didn’t always entirely know what to say to him, and that killed her, but Percy told her that that was okay, that her just being there helped. She knew how to just be there, and she knew she wouldn’t forget how to anytime soon, either.

Maybe she did like Percy Jackson.

Maybe she could go inside the pool.

She already had on a purple swimsuit under her athletic shorts, all she need to do was go over there and dive in. Piper and Jason had already fled to the pool party side and all the adults had migrated to the Chase backyard. Annabeth jumped up and brushed her hands off on her shorts, she was going to do it. She marched towards the Jacksons’ yard and through the fence, and before her eyes could even register what was occurring she was met with three water soakers blasting her chest, stomach, and face.

“Oh my god, wait!” she screamed, putting her hands up in a pathetic attempt to stop the assault. But her screams soon dissolved into unmistakable laughter as she darted across the yard. Percy and her brothers chased after her, unforgiving with the pressure of their soakers. Piper, Jason, and Thalia picked sides from their spots inside the pool, shouting different tactics at the four players in the relentless game of chase.

“The pool is the safe spot!” Jason shouted at Annabeth, “Get in!”

He didn’t know about Annabeth’s irrational fear, fair enough. But maybe this was her cue, after all, the pool wasn’t deep, it’s not like she could drown, and if all else fails Thalia was in there to save her. Those were facts. She knew she would be fine in this pool, Percy Jackson’s above ground pool. With that, Annabeth managed to outrun Percy and her brothers and dart up the ladder of the pool before launching herself into the water.

And Annabeth wasn’t going to lie, the water was freezing and, for a split second, she was terrified. Then she felt Thalia’s warm hand on her shoulder from above the water, the laughter of all her friends, the laughter of Percy, distorted from underneath the surface. Annabeth was fine, she knew that. She broke the surface, greeting her stunned brothers and an entertained Percy Jackson with a stuck-out tongue and middle finger. Pool water, especially Percy Jackson’s above ground pool water, wasn’t that unbearable after all. 

Within the next couple of hours, Annabeth’s step-mother came to put her brothers to bed, Annabeth’s father had cleaned up from the barbeque in their backyard, the Graces had gone home, and Piper’s father sent a driver to pick her up.

“Famous father things,” Piper sighed before giving Annabeth a warm hug and jogging to the car, towel around her neck. 

Soon, it was just Annabeth and Percy in her kitchen, soaking wet with towels around the necks. Percy’s curls were weighed down by the water, sticking to his forehead. Annabeth’s blonde curls were in a similar fashion, except slicked down to the back of her head, neck, and down her back. They were both cupping mugs of tea as they sat at the kitchen island, shivering due to the cool wind that came with the near-summer nights (it probably didn’t help that Annabeth left the back sliding door wide open). She knew her step-mother would be furious that she and Percy had tracked in water from the pool, but at that moment Annabeth didn’t care. She didn’t even think about it. All she could think about was how she and Percy had stayed in the pool by themselves, hours after everybody had left, and now it was midnight and Percy Jackson was in her kitchen drinking tea with water droplets glistening all over his arms and chest with his freckles coming in across his nose and on his cheeks and his sea-green eyes looking down at her.

Annabeth knew that she was staring up at Percy as if he was the sun itself, and in a way he was. It was midnight and Percy Jackson was the sun itself. Percy Jackson’s pool water wasn’t that unbearable. The most nervewracking and electrifying part about the entire interaction was that Percy was staring right back at her, sipping his tea carefully as he tried to crack the code that was Annabeth Chase, but Annabeth hadn’t even begun to crack it herself yet.

Percy was the first one to break it – whatever it was – and put his mug down on the island with a soft clank.

“So...,” he started, and Annabeth couldn’t help but notice the bead of water that ran along the curvature of his cheek, “those swimming lessons your brother’s signed you up for last summer…?”

He looked back down at her, his usual easy and playful demeanor was replaced with a mysterious and calculating gaze and Annabeth didn’t know. She didn’t know why he looked at her like that and why she looked at him like that. She didn’t know how to handle all that was Percy – he was unknown to her in every sense. He had just moved in not even a year ago and yet she had confided in him about everything and he did the same. He knew her just as well as Piper and Thalia did, and they had known Annabeth for years, what was the logic behind that? That’s what was terrifying, there was no logic to what she felt for Percy Jackson. Every nerve in her body was telling her to go to bed, tell Percy goodnight and end whatever was going on right now because she did not know where this was going. She wanted to go back onto the dry land, forget the ocean.

She looked up at Percy and pressed her lips together in a small smile, “I believe I’ll be taking them… Mr. Jackson, is it?”

The playful and shit-eating grin crashed right back into Percy’s face and Annabeth couldn’t help but notice how close they were. How she suddenly noticed the water droplets decorating his lashes and the slight pink flush that was beginning to flood the area where Percy’s freckles were sprinkled across his nose and cheeks and underneath his eyes. She also noticed how easy it would be to lean in, to grab him by the back of his sunkissed neck decorated in water droplets that the midnight light hit just right and kiss him. And she knew Percy had the same idea as well. 

And then the upstairs light flickered on and Percy jumped out of his seat.

“So, swimming lessons,” he sputtered out.

“Tomorrow?” Annabeth asked.

He grabbed his towel and attempted to return to his playful and nonchalant stance as his eyes flickered nervously up towards the staircase, and Annabeth couldn’t help but wonder which family member she had to strangle once she got upstairs, “Tomorrow.”

So that summer they had swimming lessons. Annabeth learned how to back float and Percy even began to show her proper form, detailing what do do if she ever found herself drowning. Honestly? Annabeth couldn’t care less about the different types of strokes and what makes a bad or good form. She did care about how Percy held her up in the water as he guided her arms and legs, informing her on all things swimming with his mouth close to her ear. And Annabeth could feel her ratio between knowing and unknowing grow larger, but one thing she did know for sure was that Percy Jackson’s above ground pool water wasn’t unbearable.

***

The next summer Percy Jackson’s above ground pool was replaced with an inground pool that had no shallow end, and it was as if Annabeth could see the number that represented the things she knew now and the number that represented the things she didn’t know now grow further apart in distance right before her eyes. She tried to describe her frustration to Piper and Thalia who, upon Thalia coming back from college for the summer, were at the Chase residence almost all the time now.

“It’s not as bad as you’re making it out to be,” Piper said, sitting in the very nook that Annabeth sat in the day she watched the Jacksons move in next door. Piper looked out the window at the Jackson residence, “Plus you have an attractive swim team coming, like, twice a week now if that’s any consolation.”

Thalia made a face from her position on Annabeth’s bed, probably because she knew that Piper had a thing with her little brother at the moment. She had been concentrating on painting her nails a sickening shade of duo chromatic black and electrifying blue but flicked her eyes upwards to glance at Piper.

“For Annabeth! Not for me.”

Annabeth was being overreactive and selfish, this she knew, which is why she didn’t voice her feelings to Percy. His mom had gotten the inground pool installed in celebration for Percy being named captain of the swim team at the end of their junior year. It was also just convenient now considering that since he was the new captain, he would be able to host the team at his house. Annabeth remembered the youthful excitement that his voice carried as he told her. They were lying on Annabeth’s bed in opposite directions with their heads positioned next to one another’s. Percy had reached up to rest his hand on Annabeth’s curls as they both stared up at the ceiling and reflected on their now completed junior year. And she really was happy for him, ecstatic even. When she heard the pride that dripped from Percy’s voice as he talked about the swim team, his swim team… How could she not be? She didn’t even need to look at his face to know how genuinely happy he was, and between that and his fingers tangled in her hair, all resentment towards the inground pool had dissipated for a small moment.

All the resentment stormed back when she saw that Rachel Dare was on the swim team. She was all curly red hair, freckles, and high cut blue swimsuits. Annabeth was attracted to her yet utterly envious of her without an ounce of logic to back up her reasoning – Rachel had a girlfriend – and it was driving her insane. Add five to the “things she didn’t know” side of the ratio: why does Rachel Dare drive her crazy if she posed no threat? Why did she even feel that there were “threats” to her relationship with Percy? If she and Percy almost kissed last summer then why didn’t she bring it up? Why didn’t he bring it up? Why does she not remember anything from their swimming lessons?

“Well that won’t help,” Thalia said knowingly, examining her nails, “the only swimmer Annabeth pays attention to has lived next door the whole time.”

Annabeth felt her face begin to warm up at that statement, and it only got hotter when Piper turned from the window to smirk at Annabeth, who was seated on the carpet, “Yeah, ever since Percy developed an Apollo’s belt and a bit of abs–.”

“Okay! God!” Annabeth glared at her two friends.

She did owe them, though; that’s the answer to number five. Plus one for “things she knew”, minus one for “things she didn’t know”. There was a direct relationship between the amount of time Percy and Annabeth lived next to each other and how serious he had become about swimming, and, boy, were the results evident. Even outside of his physical appearance, Percy finished his junior year with colleges scouting him to swim on their teams. 

Annabeth remembered the amount of disbelief Percy was in, growing teary-eyed after he hung up from his phone call with UC San Diego. He came crashing into her house, insisting that he needed to be with her when he picked up the phone, claiming that he needed her to be there to comfort him after he fucked it all up. He lay stomach-down on her bed and Annabeth stood in front of him, hands on his shoulders, rubbing circles into his back with her thumbs – he was so fucking tense – as she gazed down at him. He softly put down the phone to his side before pulling Annabeth in by the waist to hug her. Full body sobs shook through him as he cried into her shirt, burying his face deeper and deeper into Annabeth’s stomach, shaking his head. He didn’t need to say anything, Annabeth knew.

“They want me.” His voice was barely a whisper, and if Annabeth wasn’t constantly hyper-focused on Percy’s every move she would have missed it. “They really want me.”

“I know,” Annabeth put her head towards her ceiling, smiling. “I am so proud of you, Seaweed Brain.”

He had begun scuba diving again, and the nickname arose after he returned from one of his day trips. He had sent her a brand new photograph, same shit-eating grin hidden behind all the gear, fins flapping in the water, and two big thumbs up as he posed with a cluster of seaweed. So you don’t have to stalk my Instagram anymore, he had said to her. Annabeth couldn’t get enough.

“Visit me,” he had whispered.

She would have walked off the nonexistent end of the world if he had asked her to. Plus one to “things she didn’t know”: why did he have this power over her? Maybe Piper and Thalia would know the answer to this one, as well. So Annabeth told them about UC San Diego, she told them about the swimming “lessons”, she told them about the red hair, freckles, and high cut blue swimsuits.

And they looked at her like she was stupid.

“Maybe we should all be shocked when Annabeth graduates,” Thalia snorted, finally closing the bottle of nail polish and rolling it around in her hands. “All smarts and logic but can’t see what’s right in front of her.”

Annabeth blinked, unsure what to make of Thalia’s statement. She had equipped her logic – at least she tried to – to no avail. It couldn’t be the length of time she knew Percy that made her feel this way because when she wanted so badly to feel this way about Piper freshman year it didn’t work, and she had known Piper for longer. It couldn’t be due to Percy telling her everything about himself and the way to care about him, because she just knew those things, she picked up on all the little details. He never needed to tell her. Annabeth ran her fingers along the carpet and tried to continue racking her brain but nothing made sense, nothing made sense except for–.

Oh.

“You love him, and he loves you,” Piper said, turning her attention away from Annabeth to look out at the Jackson residence yet again. “Geez. I thought you knew but were just scared. Or playing dumb.”

Fucking hell. She had been doing a little bit of both; plus one to “things she knew”. 

Piper and Thalia had left her house that night with a vague threat along the lines of Annabeth having to do something about the Percy situation before they did. She had texted them both later, asking for them to give her a couple of days. She needed time to process, to think, to evaluate all the points where she had known about what she felt for Percy without actually knowing; not in the way she needed to have known anyways. Both their responses could be summarized with the words don’t overthink it.

So, of course, Annabeth took that with a grain of salt and dove straight into overthinking. She tried to find the exact moment she started to love him (Was it when they talked about her biological mother? Drinking tea at midnight, cold and soaking wet? Or was it when he drove her around in Paul’s car, promising that he wouldn’t crash it as long as she was inside?). She also tried to find the reason for why she didn’t consider love the answer for so long (Does love defy logic? Was she scared of it?). She tried to find the reasoning behind why Percy hadn’t made the first move if Piper was right; if he did love her (Well why didn’t Annabeth? If she loved him?). She was going in circles. The bridge between the low number of “things she knew” and the ever-increasing number of “things she did not know” grew so undeniably large that no architectural design that Annabeth could ever sketch would resolve it.

Days after Piper and Thalia’s big reveal, Annabeth returned to the window nook where she first saw the Jacksons move in. She hoped that it would help her arrive at all the answers, turning all her “things she did not know” into “things she knew” because she could not take anymore unknowns. She hated unknowns. All Percy Jackson brought with him from the day she first laid eyes on him were unknowns, yet she loved him. Plus one. Annabeth had a mug of tea cupped in her hands as she stared out the window, sipping is gingerly. Before Percy, this had been Annabeth’s space, this was the space where she came to all major realizations at. It comforted her then and she believed that it would now. 

So when she saw Rachel Dare pull up to Percy’s driveway in her white Mercedes with her deadly red-haired-freckled-high-cut-blue-swimsuit-under-denim-shorts combo, Annabeth thought that was her spot giving her a huge middle finger. Annabeth was projecting her own issues onto Rachel, she knew that, so why was envy still burning in her chest? She watched as Percy walked out to greet Rachel, giving her a hug from the side, before the two raced to his backyard. Probably to cannonball into Percy’s eleven-feet deep pool. Percy and Rachel knew where they stood, they had the ability to dive right in because there was no need to hesitate.

So why was Annabeth hesitating with Percy?

She loved him. People had been trying to figure out what the fuck love was since the beginning of time, through science, poetry, prose, and paintings. It was confusing, it was messy, it was unknown. Annabeth knew this. She loved Percy Jackson. Her “things she knew” and “things she did not know” were never going to be concrete as long as she loved, as long as other people kept loving. It was going to fluctuate, it was neither here nor there. She loved Percy Jackson. She knew this. That’s all that she needed. Sure, she did not know all the answers to everything involving love until love was figured out – until someone finally knows all there is to know about love. But that wasn’t her job. Not right now. Right now, she only had one job.

Meet me at your pool at midnight, she texted Percy. Percy Jackson’s eleven-feet deep inground pool was bearable. It was more than bearable, it was what she needed. She just hoped she remembered those above ground pool swimming lessons.

***

Annabeth and Percy’s friendship had helped her get better at sneaking out at night. Not that they were doing anything forbidden, at least most of the time. The two of them just appreciated each other’s company best when there were no distractions; when the world stood at a weird limbo where it felt like it only belonged to those who were awake at that moment. Annabeth only wanted to share those moments with Percy, and he admitted that he felt the same. So, those moments became their time. 

Annabeth climbed over the Jacksons’ wooden fence like she had done so many times before. She was aware that Percy probably – definitely – left the gate unlocked since he was expecting her, but Annabeth needed the extra adrenaline rush for what she was about to do. She walked to the edge of the pool, the eleven-feet deep pool. The water glistened under the moon, and Annabeth knew that despite the hot summer air the pool would be freezing. She took off her athletic shorts to reveal her purple swimsuit. She dove right in, headfirst.

So much for a leap of faith. Annabeth purposefully showed up only 5 minutes before midnight, wanting to surprise Percy with her skills (best case scenario), or have him be impressed with her for trying prior to coming to her rescue before the water gulped her down (this case scenario). She couldn’t remember anything about a freestyle, butterfly, breaststroke, or backstroke. All she could remember was Percy’s hands running across her arms and legs as he held her up, whispering the technicalities in her ear as he checked her form. Maybe she fucked up, maybe this was a mistake and now she was being consumed for nothing. 

In her frenzy, she managed to remember one of the things Percy had told her with his lips pressed up against her ear (why did he ever think that was the best way to instruct her on anything?). He had told her that if she ever found herself drowning, simply flip onto her back (she flipped), allow her head to float to the surface (she floated), and trust and follow the current (if the water going in and out of the pool filter counted as a current then she did that, too). Well, at least she wasn’t dying. This she knew.

As if on cue, Percy slipped out quietly from his back door.

“Annabeth?” he asked frantically before lowering himself into the pool by her side.

“I’m floating,” she replied.

Upon realizing that she was okay, he began to laugh at the predicament he had found her in. Looking back, Annabeth could see how comical that might be. He helped her up onto the poolside, trying to keep himself from exploding into a juvenile fit of laughter right in her face as he began to question her.

“How’d you end up in there?” Percy’s sea-green eyes were crinkled in amusement. “I mean, if you wanted late-night swimming lessons you could’ve just asked.”

He turned to look at her, realizing that she had been incredibly quiet. Annabeth was observing him, trying to read his face. Was Percy Jackson in love with her? She realized that she was worrying him as she saw the playful glisten disappear from his eyes, quickly being replaced by the foggy mystery that was present that night at the kitchen island when water droplets had danced across his eyelashes. There were water droplets dancing across his eyelashes now.

Annabeth broke the silence; “Percy, what are our swimming lessons to you? Were they always just swimming lessons?”

Percy furrowed his brows, but before he had the chance to just respond with another question Annabeth continued.

“Because they weren’t to me. I love you, Percy. I’m not sure when that happened but it doesn’t matter, because I love you now. I jumped into a fucking pool to show it, for God’s sake.” Annabeth laughed to herself, kicking at the water. She looked back up at Percy, but now he was staring down into the pool as if he were searching for something at the very bottom.

“I realized that I know a lot of things,” Annabeth continued, refusing to avert her gaze from Percy’s profile. Water droplets glistened on his brow under the midnight moon. “I also don’t know a lot of things. I love you and you’re just a bunch of knowns and unknowns to me all at once and I love you for it. And you don’t have to say it back, not now, not ever, because you just being here is enough. Thank you.”

Percy let out a breathless laugh and shook his head, looking up at the moon. The soft white light outlined his glistening figure. “Well, I’m going to say it back because I do. I love you.”

Annabeth took a deep breath in, relieved that he said it back because she knew that yet didn’t know it at the same time. Getting used to the unknowns was going to take some time, but if Percy was going to be there by her side during that time it was all worth it.

“Can I kiss you?” she asked, but Percy was already leaning in.

He pulled her towards him with his hand on the small of her back, gentle, and leaned down to capture her lips. Annabeth cupped his chin and arched herself into him. His lips were wet, cold, soft. She could feel the water droplets between their lips, their noses, their cheeks, their arms, their legs. When they pulled away, Percy looked down at her through half-lidded eyes, his lips reddened and slightly agape. His dampened overgrown curls framed his face and stuck between his brows and his freckles danced across his nose, cheeks, and underneath his eyes. Percy lowered himself into the pool.

“I want to teach you one more lesson, tonight,” he barely made a sound when he said it but, once again, Annabeth was hyper-focused on everything that was Percy Jackson. He took Annabeth’s wrists and placed her arms over his shoulders before taking hold of her from underneath her legs and lowered her into the pool with him. He grasped Annabeth’s chin with his index finger and thumb and lowered her lips down to his again. Annabeth ran her fingers through his wet curls before cupping the back of his head, pressing herself closer to him.

When the two parted, Annabeth couldn’t help but ask: “What was I supposed to learn from that?”

“The breathing.”

***

The summer after Percy and Annabeth’s senior year, before they embarked on their respective college journeys, Annabeth made Percy promise to take her scuba diving. The two decided to go after Percy’s birthday, now that they were both 18, so they could take themselves to the beach house Percy’s mom had gotten by the coast.

Prior to the trip, Annabeth had purchased an embarrassingly large amount of new swimsuits. Most of them were blue, Percy’s favorite color, some of them were purple and some of them were grey. Percy had also taken her to buy diving gear before they went to dinner, a perfect hybrid date. They held hands the whole time, Percy rubbing circles into her hand with his thumb. Their swimming lessons continued, and Annabeth was finally beginning to get better. It wasn’t like the other times where the two of them had said that she was getting better while they both knew that nothing had changed. It was real this time because Percy actually began to seriously teach this time (“No more whispering,” Annabeth had told him). Some lessons were just to practice all the breathing, but that was to be expected.

“You know you don’t have to go scuba diving if you don’t want to,” Percy said repeatedly, from when they were paying for the gear to as they sat across from each other in the restaurant. “I know you haven’t always loved the ocean…”

Annabeth beamed up at her boyfriend – her surreal boyfriend, Percy Jackson – and said, “Well, it’s hard for me to be scared of something that you live in.”

Not anymore, at least. The ocean had a lot of unknowns, yes, but Annabeth was slowly starting to unlearn the idea that it was her job to know everything. It wasn’t possible. Sometimes she just wanted to go scuba diving with her boyfriend without having to think too hard about it, even if he was a competitive swimmer and Annabeth hadn’t learned until last summer. Percy’s shit-eating grin made an appearance.

“I’ll watch all the Harry Potters with you.”

“Oh, you better.”

So, the weekend after Percy’s birthday the two of them set off for the coast in Paul’s white minivan (with the Jackson-Chase blessing, of course). Percy’s loose curls were overgrown, the wind rushing in from the rolled down windows blew it all across his face making Annabeth question his ability to drive with such an obstacle. His summertime freckles had fully settled in, and the two of them sang along to the radio until their throats were raw. Percy took Annabeth’s hand in his as he drove and planted kisses to it periodically. 

He was going to UC San Diego to be a student-athlete and Annabeth was going to UC Berkeley, her dream school. The two schools were eight hours apart, but they would make it work. She knew that. She didn’t know all the details yet, but that was okay. She loved Percy Jackson and the unknown wasn’t as intimidating as it was before his wave crashed into her life at full force. She didn’t have to know everything. Not right now, while he was right here, kissing her hand as they drove to the coast.

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

Do you mean the characterization where the character relived all of Peter Parker’s memories at the end of ASM #700 and was trying his best (from his point of view) to be a hero and NOT a villain? It’s almost like an important, life changing/character-changing moment like that happened in between those two scenes. But go figure. :-D

@danslott-blog

I’m writing this because I wouldn’t have space in the original post. This is to be considered a direct reply to the above poster.

You know, I can’t be 100% certain if you are the real Dan Slott or a sycophantic fan of his. Your blog page…

…leads me to believe you are in fact the real Dan Slott. 

Thing is I saw this comment last night but I didn’t check out your blog until this morning. Nevertheless, last night my first instinct was to presume you to be the real Dan Slott.

The fact that my mind immediately jumped to that possibility, the fact that I can’t rule it out and the further supportive evidence of your blog, speaks volumes.

It speaks volumes about the person Dan Slott whether or not you are the genuine article or not. Because your actions so thoroughly fall in line with his behaviour.

And it is damning. As are your words. Let’s unpack them.*

So, did I mean Otto’s characterization? That’s what you were getting at. That my original post was in reference to Otto’s characterization between ASM #700 and Superior #2?

No.

I did not.

At all.

I was referring to Mary Jane’s  characterization. I elaborate upon the topic in this post.

Tl:dr: MJ was eager to sleep with ‘Peter’ in the former issue but not in the latter.

That should have been utterly obvious  to anyone observing the post because I was presenting events from 2 issues and saying they didn’t line up. Obviously  the purpose was for the readers of my post to play spot the difference.

The similarities were Otto’s desire to have sex with Mary Jane. The difference was with MJ.

As of this writing, twelve other people grasped that obvious intent Dan.

Why on Earth do they have superior reading comprehension skills than a professional writer  for the largest comic book company in America? Surely that should be a basic requirement of the job?

Not that I’m surprised. It is exemplary of the vast majority of your pathetic, reductive and damaging  work on this franchise.

But let’s dive deeper.

You claim that Otto reliving Peter’s memories in ASM #700 (after the scene in the OP) changed him hence he was different in Superior #2.

But he’s not.

In ASM #700 he tried to exploit Mary Jane’s misconception that he was Peter Parker (and her pre-existing feelings for him) to have sex with her.

In Superior #2 he was still  trying to exploit Mary Jane’s misconception that he was Peter Parker (and her pre-existing feelings for him) to have sex with her.

So he hasn’t changed. At all.

But for the sake of argument, let’s pretend you are right. In Superior #2 (because he relieved Peter’s memories) he was trying to be a better person from his point of view.

So you are saying from his point of view   raping Mary Jane by deception constituted trying to be a hero and not a villain?**

If Otto experienced Peter’s memories then that would logically entail his upbringing and morality. Meaning Otto would in fact know that what he’s trying to do with MJ is unethical. Or he’d appreciate that he’s not the real Peter Parker and it’d be a disservice to the real man who’s legacy he’s trying to uphold to sleep with the woman he loves. Or he’d know who MJ was and appreciate she deserved better than to be deceived.

But no. He was horny and was going to satisfy himself  no matter what. Hence later in the issue after he experiences Peter’s memories of ‘being’ with MJ he says he’s ready to move on and starts eyeing up other women, including Sajani.

Furthermore, even without Peter’s memories Otto would never have attempted to sleep with Mary Jane for two big reasons.

The first is that she is frankly not his type.

Prior to Superior, the women Otto held affections for (romantically or otherwise) were either scientifically gifted (Mary-Alice, Carolyn), admirers of his brilliance (Stunner, Carolyn, Mary-Alice) or unconditionally kind towards him (Aunt May).

You know…kind of like his own mother was!

MJ is not scientifically gifted. MJ did not admire Otto’s genius. As far as he knew she didn’t even admire Peter’s genius and even the times she has canonically it has been in a different way to the ladies in Otto’s life. MJ was never singing Peter’s praises for being so clever for inventing this or that, she was never borderline fangirling over his intellect. She also wasn’t unconditionally kind like Aunt May was, her kindness manifested in a starkly different way. She wasn’t taking Otto, Peter or a stranger home for a cup of tea or a nice meal.

Since Otto wanted to sleep with her before  he was exposed to all of Peter’s memories, the only rationale reason for his interest was the superficial. She was an attractive young woman and Otto wanted her body.

Which would be weird  right because I seem to recall you and your buddy Christos Gage saying Otto didn’t care about looks in his romantic partners?

This brings me to my second reason.

Otto is evil but he’s not Purple Man/Doctor Light levels of evil. He wouldn’t do something as debase as that, he’d view it as beneath him. In his own warped way he holds a certain respect for women. Hence he genuinely cared for Aunt May, Stunner, Carolyn Trainer, Mary-Alice and of course his mother.

But let’s say I’m wrong. Let’s say Superior #2 was covering totally virgin territory for the character that had never been touched upon before. As in there had never been a word written about Otto’s love life, attitudes to women, attitudes to sex, etc.

That being the case, you established as hard canon that Doctor Octopus, the villain of the pg-13 movie Spider-Man 2, antagonist in dozens of Spider-Man cartoons for children and video games for kids and teens, is an attempted rapist!

As in if MJ hadn’t turned him down all those times his attempts would’ve been successful and he’d just be an actual  rapist.

You took a beloved, fun character (who was unique for having a somewhat humanitarian side to himself) and made him utterly irredeemable. You had him attempt an act of evil that the readers know (within the context of the genre conventions) is one of the, if not the actual, worst things a villain can do.

Good job buddy.

Oh, and needless to say, you totally and utterly failed to take Mary Jane’s point of view into account; as you did in response to my OP.

You never considered how you were using the main female character of the franchise who is beloved  within the fandom and generating cheap, gratuitous tension by threatening to rape her.

In conclusion Dan Slott, you were never ever qualified for the job as Spider-Man’s lead writer. You never ever deserved the role because of how you lied and cheated your way into Marvel, disrespected the works of your predecessors and disrespected the characters you were in charge of.

You had good ideas half the time but your writing craftsmanship skills on the title were woefully lacking hence you could only competently execute them 1/8th of the time. When combined with the raw damage you wrought to the characters and narrative you are without question the single worst on-going writer of Spider-Man in history.

I’m sure you are pleased with that record considering it was blatantly obvious you were far more invested in cultivating an eventual legacy for your self on the character than you were actually serving the characters and organically developing them.

Author of ASM #600, 700 and 800

The only Spider-Man writer to have written 3 centennial issues in a row.

The guy who has written 1 in 5 issues of Amazing Spider-Man.

Oh, and also the worst on-going writer of Spider-Man in history.

Wow.

What an achievement.

Now, why don’t you stop searching for your own name or works online and do something more practical with your time.

Like learning how to write.

*Oh and btw, I’m writing this presuming you are the real Dan Slott.

Also I’m going to try my best not to swear but that is where my politeness ends. This isn’t CBR Dan, Mister Mets (nor any other moderator) is around to censor or ban anyone to protect you.

**And yes, having sex with MJ when she didn’t know he was really Doc Ock is objectively  a form of rape. Here is literally the first sentence  about rape on Wikipedia, with emphasis by me:

“Rape is a type of sexual assault usually involving sexual intercourse or other forms of sexual penetration carried out against a person without that person's consent.”

Contrary to what your buddies Fred van Lente or Stephen Wacker might have told you, force is not a requisite.

No consent = rape.

Had MJ had sex with Otto she’d have been giving Peter her consent not Otto. Therefore Otto would have been raping her. This was acknowledged in fact in a Dead pool comic book from 1998!

Courtesy of one of your Brand New Day peers, Joe Kelly, Deadpool v1 #12 saw Wade have sex with Siryn, whom he had feelings for.

However, in the next issue ‘Siryn’ reveals she was actually Typhoid Mary in disguise, a woman who’d endeavored to bring out Wade’s darkside against his wishes.

Wade’s dialogue and body language clearly convey how he feels sickened and violated by the experience. When he asks Mary why  she did this to him she replies it was simply because she could. Whilst Wade is on the ground feeling vulnerable she stands up, leans over and licks him!

The scene when taken in context is brutally unsubtle. Typhoid used trickery to exploit Wade. She put herself in a position of power and abused that power to dominate Wade, to remove his agency.

That is literally all rape boils down to. Not sex but power. The scene, especially the last panel hammers that point home.

But just in case  you still didn’t get it the very next page depicts Wade vomiting and saying he needs a shower.

This is a common reaction from victims of sexual assault, at least in media. The ‘I need a shower’ moment is practically a trope.

Why did a 1998 Deadpool story  have a clearer understanding of the topic being played with than a 2013 Spider-Man story…that was allegedly for children no less!

P.S. You know Tom DeFalco had Peter Parker wrestle with his emotions in the wake of the ‘Death of Jean DeWolff’ story arc way back in ASM #275.

You might say that witnessing such violence and examining his own actions with perspective was a life changing experience for him.

With that in mind, how about you explain to me why Peter experiencing death, deletion, abuse of his life and body, losing a whole year of his life and then returning to it totally changed doesn’t  count as a life/character changing experience?

Because you sure as hell didn’t write him reacting with the pain, the sadness, the anguish that he (or any normal human being) would’ve had after he came back. Nope. Just back to cracking jokes I guess.

Do you like…not know how human beings work?

That’s a rhetorical question because I know the answer.