#but lo and behold the power that this pretty bird has on me is on another level

[raftels]

“I have to remind myself that some birds are not meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up...does rejoice.” (Shawshank Redemption, 1994)

Happy Birthday Hawks / Takami Keigo!

[demetriandelibinaryboyfriends]

@ckfemslashnetwork

COBRA KAI SAPPHIC SUMMER WEEK 1 GOLDEN

***

HEY YALL

So uh. Remember that 10-minute All Too Well YasMoon fic that I’ve been teasing for well over a year now ???

WELL

LO AND BEHOLD!!! A few months ago, I started writing more than just lil ficlets and started creating this bad boy in FULL!!! So for cksapphicsummer, I’m posting a proper preview because a) fall color is a big thing here and it kinda accidentally fits the “Golden” prompt perfectly and b) god. I’m so proud of this funky little snippet. I’ve had so much fun working on this angstfic and I HAD to share my progress with someone. Writing the out-of-order slow burn of Moon becoming a simp who’s in way over her head has been fantastic tbh.

Also she only gets a mention here, but I had WAY too much fun creating Rosalie, Yasmine’s older (and to most everyone’s mind much cooler) influencer sister. Actually might end up including her in unrelated YasMoon fics too, because god, am I a sucker for sibling character foils :O Also it’s not fair that only Sam gets to have a sibling!!! Like give the other kids siblings!!!

…ironically, despite how spoiled she seems to be, Yasmine is one of the few Cobra Kai kids who doesn’t give off huge Only Child vibes XD Like idk. Idk. So much of Her Whole Deal strikes me as Bratty Overcompensating Younger Sister behavior XD

@karatecaulfield BIG pspsps, here’s a preview from A Big Fic coming up!!!

Preview under the cut!!! Enjoy :3

CW for some pretty crude language, and a character shouting a slur basically for shock value. But it’s one that applies to said character, so…I guess it’s reclaiming?

***

“You can travel the world But nothing comes close to the golden coast”

They were belting the lyrics as Yasmine swerved down mountain roads, rounding bends at what couldn’t possibly be a safe speed. It was times like these she thought she was invincible—away from the suffocating smog, under an endless blue sky, surrounded by fresh mountain air, free from the rest of the world’s expectations. Moon couldn’t tame her if she tried.

“Once you party with us, you’ll be falling in love…”

Moon glanced at Yasmine, and the words melted in her mouth. She burst out laughing.

Yasmine was never that unperturbed. She was all confidence and composure and power, holding onto her throne with tooth and manicured nail. Now she was just a silly, dancing teenager, shimmying back and forth and rocking her head from side to side like some kind of puzzled bird. One arm flailing about like the tube men outside of car dealerships while the other drifted on and off the steering wheel to lazily make turns.

She was grinning like she left all her inhibitions in LA.

“California girls, we’re unforgettable Daisy dukes, bikinis on top Sunkist skin so hot we’ll melt your popsicle”

Yasmine affectionately jabbed Moon’s tanned arm. Moon took a moment to be grateful the very ever-present spray-tan responsible was probably also hiding her blush.

“California girls, we’re undeniable Fine, fresh, fierce, we’ve got it on lock West Coast represent, now put your hands up!”

Yasmine did exactly that, whooping for several seconds. Moon worried they were going to hit the guardrail.

West Valley High’s queen bee self-corrected at the last possible moment, just like always. She grabbed the wheel and they made the turn.

There was something so exhilarating about her when she was like this. When she wasn’t projecting an image that didn’t match what was inside. Her voice was off-key and her movements were the opposite of graceful and every bit of control she usually gripped onto with iron strength flew out the window and into the alpine air.

And somehow, it felt like it used to when Moon finally came home after a long, shitty day of middle school, surrounded by stuck-up classmates and scornful, apathetic teachers. It felt like relief.

The song ended, and an ad came on from that annoying kick-the-competition auto dealer guy. As Yasmine complained for the seventh time about her parents not getting Spotify Premium, Moon looked out the window.

The road to Big Bear had more fall color than she’d ever seen. Only 20 miles outside of LA, and it was a whole different world—cherry reds and fiery oranges and sunset golds mixed into the deep green of impossibly tall pine trees.

It was all so foreign to her, always immersed in year-round flowers and greenery and subtropics. It seemed like something out of a Sunday morning dream, or a good shrooms trip. Strange—unnatural, perhaps—but tranquil all the same.

The aspen trees quaked in a sudden breeze. Several golden leaves peeled off their branches, glinting blindingly in the sunlight as they drifted to the ground.

Moon couldn’t quite explain it, but something felt just right. The energy…it was somehow perfectly aligned, all the stars and moons and planets in position for her to be driving off on a wilderness adventure with Yasmine Pyne.

The universe itself was humming in concord, like everything else that came before and after revolved around that moment.

Like it was the beginning of something too immense to see.

“What’re you gawking at?” Yasmine’s voice had a teasing snicker in it. “Have you never been to the mountains before?”

Moon shrugged. “Not since I was little. We only ever drove up here in the summer, though.”

“God, you should see your face.” There was a note of derision in Yasmine’s voice, but Moon barely noticed. “You look like you popped an E tablet or something.”

“Sorry, it’s just…” Moon smiled, shaking her head. “The trees are so beautiful. They’re reminding me of the healing crystals I still need to buy.”

“Um, what? Where is the connection there?”

Moon turned. The bridge of Yasmine’s nose was scrunched against her eyebrows, the way it always did when she was completely perplexed.

 “The colors, Yas.” Moon couldn’t help but laugh. “The leaves look like citrine. Or…” Her gaze strayed back out the window. “Empowering jasper. Or harmonizing tiger’s eye. Or vitality ruby. There’s so many hues!”

“You are so weird, girl.”

Yasmine laughed, but there was no disdain in it this time. It was an affectionate kind of amused—amusement at Moon’s expense, perhaps, but with an underlying fondness that caught her off-guard.

Moon looked at the autumn trees zipping by, fiery shades gleaming almost as brightly as gemstones in the alpine sun. She started to shift them in her mind, imagining clusters of leaves as giant, glimmering jewels instead. A whole forest of ruby and citrine and jasper and tiger’s eye and topaz and carnelian, polished stones budding from the ends of delicate white branches. A beautiful, serene place, quiet and peaceful. A place of healing. No sound save birdsong and babbling creeks.

She wondered how much more vivid the image would be with caps.

“I’d actually love to trip out here,” she admitted. “It’d be like…the most spiritual thing ever. I feel like there’s a certain kind of ‘oneness with the universe’ around these trees, you know?”

“What, and then wander off the side of a cliff because you’ve convinced yourself you can fly? No thanks.”

Moon sniggered. Yasmine couldn’t sugarcoat something if she tried.

She didn’t pull punches when it came to teasing out the worst-case scenario and she never hesitated when deciding that’s what would inevitably happen.

A wooden sign post flitted past. Moon pressed her palm into the window glass, eyes widening.

A trailhead.

“Let’s go for a hike!”

The words spouted from Moon before she could stop them. She blinked, wholly unsure where the sudden determination came from.

Yasmine spluttered, uncharacteristically lost for words.

“Please,” Moon added plaintively. “Just a short one?”

“Why?” Yasmine demanded, finally finding her voice.

Moon bit her lip, staring at the dashboard.

“I’ve never been.”

“You’ve never been hiking in Big Bear.”

Yasmine scoffed, punctuating the statement with a smack to the steering wheel.

“Nope.” Moon chuckled nervously, hoping this wasn’t something Yasmine decided was worthy of giving her shit about.

Her friend only snorted in disbelief. “You haven’t been hiking up here,” she said again. “Aren’t your parents like…tree-hugging mega-hippies or something? Seems like they’d be all about that meditative outdoorsy shit.”

Moon laughed, shaking her head. “Well, they’re more like…smoke-a-bunch-of-stuff-in-a-sweat-lodge-and-see-the-entire-pagan-pantheon kind of hippies. Not really the one-with-nature kind of hippies.”

“But you are, huh?”

Yasmine raised her eyebrows, and Moon’s cheeks grew hot.

“I don’t know. I guess so. Nature calms me down when I’m stressed. Helps unblock my root chakra when it gets a little clogged.”

They passed a particularly beautiful grove of red maple trees, and Moon sucked in her breath.

“If we could just…stop and take a little walk somewhere…”

“Mooooon.” Yasmine dragged her name into a whine. “I’m wearing designer boots. If I get too much dirt on them, my mom will skin me alive and use my eviscerated corpse to make another pair.”

“Oh my god.” Moon snickered. “Don’t be so dramatic. Your mom is nice! She’s not going to flip out over a little dust.”

“You don’t know her,” Yasmine grumbled.

“I’ll take the blame if she gets mad. Promise.” Moon gave her friend her most pleading look. “I’ll say…I don’t know. I got you really high and we ran around in the dirt or something. But mountain trails aren’t usually that dirty! At least I don’t think.”

Yasmine whimpered, glancing from the car clock out the window and back again.

At the next trailhead, Yasmine slammed the brakes. Moon yelped, lurching forward as the range rover screeched to a stop in a pullover surrounded by soaring pines and gold-tinged scrub bushes.

“Oh, fuck it. Rosalie’s not expecting us until 4 anyways.”

Moon smiled at her lap. She got the feeling Yasmine could have fought her harder.

***

“Tell me a secret.”

“What?” Moon’s sandals dug into the trail, grinding her to a halt.

“Tell me a secret.” Yasmine turned, hair backlit by mountain sunshine. “Come on. If you’re going to insist we trek out into the middle of buttfuck nowhere, you’d better have some juicy gossip for where absolutely no one can hear us.”

She leaped onto a nearby boulder with surprising grace, boots deftly clinging to the gaps in a way that suggested she hadn’t always been as averse to physical exertion as she was now.

“DICK AND BALLS!” Moon was completely unprepared for her friend to cup her mouth and shout at the top of her lungs. “MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING SHITHEADS! GODDAMN PUSSY-EATING DYKES! I’LL PISS IN YOUR MOUTH!”

The forest only answered Yasmine’s abundance of profanity with wind, songbird calls, and one or two annoyed crows. Not another human soul to be heard.

“See?” Yasmine turned, her grin conniving. “No one’s going to hear any of this shit besides us. You can literally say anything you want out here. It’d be a waste not to spill some tea.”

She spread her arms, and for a moment, she looked like a bird. An elegant, dainty little yellow warbler, about to take flight or break into song.

“No one can fuck with us out here!” she crowed. For a moment, Moon felt almost as free as her.

Moon laughed, shaking her head. She hadn’t known what to expect from the blonde girl in the yellow designer sundress, making snide comments in her math class, but these unrestrained dramatics were definitely not it.

“So come on, then.” Yasmine scaled down the rock as easily as she’d climbed it. “Tell me something scandalous, Moon.”

Moon frowned, quickening her pace to catch up. “Why?”

“Because. Maybe I want to get to know the girl I’m hauling up into the mountains to see my sister, huh?”

“We don’t need deep, dark secrets for that, do we?”

“Not technically, but I’m bored of all the other shit.” Yasmine groaned. “‘Where’d you go to middle school, did you grow up here, do you have any brothers or sisters,’ blah blah blah. We covered all the small talk crap when we ditched for brunch. I want something more interesting.”

Moon’s cheeks grow hot. “I don’t know if I’m hiding anything that interesting.”

“Oh, bullshit.” Yasmine turned, gray-green eyes boring into Moon. The blonde started walking backwards just in front of her friend, maintaining very intense and very judgmental eye contact the entire time. “Everyone’s got a little dirt on them, Moon. You just have to scrape it up.”

Feeling a sudden rush of bravery (perhaps the empowering jasper-colored leaves were to blame), Moon crossed her arms and returned Yasmine’s smirk. “And why should I give you my dirt?”

“Because.” Those stormy irises had a cunning gleam in them. “What’s a few secrets between best friends?”

“Best friends!” Moon laughed in surprise. “We barely know each other. And I’m your—well, I mean.” She found herself stumbling over her words. “What about everyone else at the table? Your middle school crew?”

“Oh, well.” Yasmine rolled her eyes dismissively. “Jenna, Harper, Aubrey—they’re all fake as fuck. Dumb sluts are using me to get a taste of what it’s like at the top. I know the knives come out whenever my back’s turned.” Her lips curled into a sneer. “It’s whatever, honestly. I’d just as soon get rid of them as soon as they stop making us look good. But you…”

For the first time in a while, the scornful look dropped completely.

“You’re different, Moon. You’re…real. Not basic and boring like every other bitch that follows me around.”

If Moon’s cheeks weren’t on fire before, they certainly were now.

“You really mean that?”

“Yeah, duh. I wouldn’t take you out here if you weren’t worlds better than all the other losers at our trash-ass school. Now…”

The genuine look that briefly shone through morphed into a smirk. Mood wondered if she’d imagined it.

Yasmine leaned forward, smirk widening. Without warning she grabbed both of Moon’s hands, tangling their fingers together as she continued to effortlessly saunter backwards. “Tell me a secret, Moon.”

“I…”

Moon could feel what was hovering just behind her lips. The words threatening to tangle with the mountain air and wash over Yasmine like a cold breeze, causing her hands to jerk away and her face to twist in that oh-so-familiar disgust.

I’m not normal.

It was something in the way that all through elementary school—and all through the turbulent tides of middle school, too—her eyes weren’t only drawn by soccer players showing off at recess, or the track stars who could run more gym class laps than anyone. Boys who dripped confidence like sweat and gleamed like fresh-minted coins, the names inside the hearts every girl doodled.

Just as often she found herself drawn to the ballet dancers and the child beauty pageant winners and the sirenlike voices of the girls in choir. Often as not, her mind was on billowing hair and purple nails and the scent of fruit shampoo as much as the testosterone and cologne of the ever-boisterous boys.

And it was a fascination that went beyond friendship. Moon knew that much.

She was able to join in with the other girls, gushing about the guys they liked and making bets on who would ask who to the next dance. But there was always half of it left unsaid.

She’d never told a soul. Not her easygoing parents. Not her middle school gang. No one. It was an anomaly that belonged to her and her alone.

And Moon wasn’t about to drive away her newest friend, in all her power and mystique and sheer magnetic energy.

Yasmine must’ve seen the gears turning behind her eyes. She groaned, yanking especially hard on Moon’s hands with an exaggerated eyeroll.

“Oh, fine. I’ll go first if you’re not gonna spill.”

Moon raised her eyebrows. “That was an option?”

Yasmine scoffed. “I mean, if you’re just going to stand there looking constipated…”

Moon couldn’t find a response.

Which probably made her look even more constipated.

“I don’t actually wake up like this.” Yasmine grinned mischievously, giving those flawless yellow locks of hers a graceful flip. “And it’s not Maybelline, either. I have to wake up at 5 fucking o’clock every morning to straighten this bitch. But better that than go to school looking like a fucking hobo.”

Moon laughed.

“So you don’t wake up with perfect hair? That’s not very scandalous.” Yasmine gasped, sounding half offended. “It is if you’re someone with my rep!”

“Well, if it’s that important to you…” Moon sniggered. “I won’t tell anyone. But for what it’s worth, I think the other kids would be impressed you put so much time into looking perfect.”

“Oh, no way. They need to think it’s like…an inherent part of my personality that I’m flawless and untouchable. Otherwise they might start getting ideas about replacing me if they style their hair for long enough.”

She had to laugh again.

“I don’t think you need to worry. The entire school knows they could never hold a torch to you.”

For a moment, uncertainty flickered through those stormcloud eyes.

Like the fear of being dethroned was greater than Yasmine let on.

“Damn right,” she said, smug expression returning. She tugged Moon’s hands again, bringing the girls close enough that Moon could smell traces of the strawberry-and-nutella crepes she had for breakfast.

“Your turn,” she purred.

“Um…”

Moon paused, pushing thoughts of her unspoken strangeness away. Yasmine didn’t need to know that.

“I’m worried that people think I’m kind of stupid,” she said instead.

Yasmine looked genuinely thrown off for a moment.

“What do you mean?”

Her expression turned…not serious exactly, but more thoughtful and curious than Moon was used to. None of its usual smugness.

“My friends from middle school, they—they all went to these private Ivy League prep schools. I, uh…I think some of their parents bribed their way in, but some of them were genuinely just that smart. Either way, my parents weren’t willing to pull strings to get me in. They’re really, um…‘go with the flow’ in a way that they, like, don’t like to exert a lot of effort on anything they don’t need to. Which includes keeping me with my friends, I guess.”

Moon took a breath, almost hoping Yasmine would interrupt.

Yasmine didn’t. Only waited with uncharacteristic patience for her to finish.

“I told them at 8th grade continuation I didn���t make it into Harvard-Westlake. They, um…they looked at me like I was some kind of reject. And they started talking about all the things they were gonna do in high school.” Moon winced at the memory. “Kelsey was gonna learn Latin. Rachel was gonna get into Hollywood. Tess was gonna figure out how to become like…some political diplomat or something. And I guess it was just like…we’d been together through the thick and thin of everything, and suddenly I was some dumb bimbo who wasn’t even worthy of licking the dirt they stepped on. And after that night, I never heard from any of them again.”

Yasmine’s only response was a curled lip. “Ew.”

Moon’s stomach sank. “You think I’m also…?”

Yasmine’s scowl deepened. “No, your stupid friends. They sound like a load of self-righteous bitches.” She scoffed. “Girl, you’re well-rid of them. You stuck around and they’d try to make you into a fucking lame loser nerd just like them. Who the fuck uses Latin in their day-to-day existence, anyways?!”

Moon found herself laughing.

“Yeah, I guess Kelsey was always kind of prissy that way.”

“Half the shit they teach in high school doesn’t matter in the real world, anyways.” Yasmine rolled her eyes. “And yeah, even at prep schools, too. Take all the acting classes and political science you want, but if you don’t know someone important in the industry, you’re not getting shit. The world runs on nepotism, so…your old bitches are going to get fucked over so bad.”

Something about Yasmine’s overconfident scorn soothed her. No one who spoke that surely could be wrong…right?

Moon chuckled. “Is it bad that I kind of hope they do?”

“Nah. Would serve the dumb fucks right.” Yasmine’s smirk returned—bigger than any she’d worn all afternoon. “I should be thanking them, really. They ditched by far the coolest person in their group, and now I get you all to myself.”

Moon only hoped Yasmine didn’t see how red her own cheeks were turning.

“For the record, though…”

Yasmine seemed to search her face, expression suddenly unreadable.

“I don’t think you’re stupid. I mean…not that it matters anyways, because pretty people get jobs more than smart people do, but being good at the crap they teach in school doesn’t mean anything. Being able to read people, knowing who you can open up to and who’s a damn snake, figuring out how to talk people into giving you what you want…that’s what matters. And you’ve got more intuition than anyone I’ve met in a long time.”

Well, if having intuition was what mattered…

Moon only hoped she was reading Yasmine right.

***

Some random author’s notes, in no particular order:

Love that Yasmine is canonically a terrible driver. Like she accidentally kick-started the entire plot because her dumb ass was texting and driving and rammed right tf into Johnny Lawrence’s car. I have every reason to believe she’s this bad of a driver in every situation 💛 Absolute trash queen 👑

Writing S1 Yasmine is so much fun because she’s SO unapologetically shitty, like. You can have her say the most deranged shit and it’s completely in character??? Delightfully challenging to figure out how fucking anyone could fall inconsolably head-over-heels for her, especially someone as naturally good-natured as Moon!!! Like she was simping—I know it in my soul—but how the FUCK did that happen???

Also no I absolutely do not count Demetri’s “feelings” as falling inconsolably head-over-heels for her—mans was faking being straight to get Miguel not to abandon him and then felt he had to Commit To The Bit. I WILL die on this hill btw.

On a related note, though!!! I’ve probably watched the S1 Yasmine scenes DOZENS of times for this fic (not a single fucking one without her girlfriend btw), and after a while you start to pick up on some like…unexpected softness you didn’t notice before? Like she seems genuinely pleased Sam is enjoying throwing her party! She plays wingwoman and sets Sam up with Kyler! (Granted, there could have been ulterior motives here—namely distracting Sam so she doesn’t notice That Gay Shit going on between her two new best friends—but the act in of itself didn’t seem malicious.) She’s a tad overprotective of Moon when she believes Sam has been talking crap, and tells Sam to get the hell out of Moon’s car!!! She genuinely looks hurt when Moon chooses Hawk and Co. over her!!! Like it’s few and far between, but she definitely seems to care about her friends on some level, even at her worst. With that in mind, it’s a lot easier to write Moon getting smitten with her!

Adding onto this—rewatching the S1 Yasmine clips, it’s kind of striking how often she refers to herself and Moon as a unit, especially during the 1x05 car scene with Sam. “Kyler told us what you said.” “You think you’re better than us.” “We know what went down.” She says “Moon, let’s go” when about to ditch the beach party instead of just storming off because of course she’s not leaving without Moon (who she chose to stay with over going with Kyler btw!). She doesn’t even consider it a possibility until Moon outright says it. Not only is this a cool parallel to a thing S1 Demetri also does (I.e. frequently uses “we” to speak for both him and Eli from a place of misguided-ish overprotectiveness and the confidence that “I know what’s best for both of us as a unit”), but this is something a lot of long-term couples I know irl tend to do!!! When I talk about movies with my roommate, he tends to say “we (I.e. him and his fiancé) did/didn’t like it.” When my married friend thanked me for catsitting, he said “we really appreciate it.” Point being that even at her absolute worst, Yasmine is never actually just thinking about herself—she’s thinking about herself and Moon, right up until Moon chooses to ditch her! Anyways yeah these girls were a Thing sorry. If they have a tendency that immediately calls to mind my married and engaged friends, that’s. A little gay???

Also worth noting that Yasmine only really breaks from Moon in 1x09, and then as SOON as she appears again in S3, she’s once again glued to Moon’s hip. Girl literally cannot stay away from Moon akfssrfuhbi

But all that aside!!! S1 Yasmine genuinely sucks so bad. Like GIRL. You fat-shamed a girl for no fucking reason. You verbally eviscerated an ugly sweater kid just minding his business and probably jump-started his Evil Journey tbh. You slut-shamed your ex-friend all over the internet after she almost got sexually assaulted. You cut off your closest friend and fuck buddy because she dared to ask you to stop being horrid. What in the actual hell is wrong with you. I am horrified and fascinated. I want to study Yasmine like a bug.

And I am, via this fic!!! God, am I having a blast with it. Fully intend to continue delving into why she’s the actual fucking worst and giving her the nuance the showrunners never bothered with 💛

I spent like 3 hours researching “prep schools” in the San Fernando Valley, and watched a whole-ass tour video for Harvard-Westlake to determine what Moon’s shitty (or shittier) ex-friends went off to study that made her feel inadequate. Please be proud of me for doing a deep dive into this weird niche topic to make my weird niche pairing fic feel authentic XD

Deadass role-playing as an Uber-wealthy Encino parent looking for a good, respectable high school for their spoiled 8th grader was. An incredibly bizarre experience. I do not want kids, I could not afford them even if I did, and I do not have anything anywhere close to a rich suburban husband to discuss a kid’s school options with. I guess this is the essence of trying to explore lived experiences that will never belong to you???

I legitimately do think Moon is smarter than she comes off as (Demetri wouldn’t fuck with her otherwise!) and is somewhat insecure about being seen as “dumb” because she’s bubbly, hyperfemme, conflict-averse, and in touch with her spirituality. I don’t think she likes admitting this, though—she doesn’t like “burdening” others with her own demons!

Considering Yasmine’s “natural” hairstyle in S3 appears to be more wavy, girl probably spent an ungodly amount of time and effort straightening her hair in season 1. Like yeah, she was mean at, but can you blame her??? Bitch was probably running on like 4 hours of sleep a night!

Jenna, Harper, and Aubrey are some of the extras at the Rich Girls Table! I’ve mentioned in other posts, but I’ve always kind of wondered about them, and What Their Deal Was that they’re only sometimes worthy of hanging out with Yasmine XD Git hyped to see more of them in this and other planned YasMoon fics!!!

Continuing to love looking into crystals/spirituality/incense/other kinds of Wiccan-adjacent things I think Moon would be into! As a woman of science, I’m not sure if I buy into that, but I do think it’s genuinely fascinating and fun to explore and research! There’s a lot of pretty cool and interesting belief systems out there to explore when you go in without obsessing over whether something’s 100% true or false and whatnot.

Yes, Californians really do get that hyped about seasons. I would know—I moved there after growing up in the Midwest, and seeing Californians get hyped about seeing snow or massive amounts of fall foliage for the first time is just about the most pure thing ever ;_____; But it’s definitely not out of the question for Moon to get that pumped about fall color aksssdtchh

I kind of love the idea of Moon always knowing she was bisexual, but not building the confidence to proudly tell it to the world until Piper helped her to 💗💜💙

Bitches be holding other bitches’ hands on an isolated hiking trail and think that’s a Straight and Normal thing to do. Like come on. We all know what you are, Yasmine.

Can’t give y’all an exact posting estimate for the whole fic, but I’m not giving up on it anytime soon (having WAY too much fun with this angst to do that!!!) and will try to get the rest of it done as soon as I can!!! Hoping ideally by sometime this coming winter :3

[ballonleastadiumofficial]

hey realized that it's been like forever since i sent any suggestions for sweeping your team, and i have a moderately okay suggestion. it would've been ideal if water resisted ground like i had thought, but alas empoleon is still weak to drill run.

so here's why i think that if we just scribbled out rapidash's drill run, empoleon would be pretty good for beating you: it's kind of bulky on the special side, which is good considering psychic and fairy(the two types that you have publicly specialized in) are mostly special attackers, and three fourths of your team are indeed special attackers. empoleon is also primarily a special attacker, however its physical isn't terrible.

the best set i could think of is actually all physical, thanks to the fact that it gets swords dance, but not nasty plot or calm mind. earthquake for mawile, steel claw for the rest, and aqua jet if they survive the steel claw and threaten empoleon's safety.

and typing-wise, steel obviously resists most of the attacks you can throw at the penguin, but you've still got fire and ground coverage, and water makes the fire coverage a moot point.

and, while it's a bit too competitive for my tastes, empoleon is one of the best options available to somebody fighting you in doubles. it's a simple set up really, the other pokemon sets up trick room on the first turn, then uses bulldoze(and is preferrable very bad at physically assaulting the bird). the first turn empoleon uses protect, and then every other turn it uses a move that hits both your pokemon. its ability would be competitive and it would be holding a weakness policy. the trick room would make it outspeed most of your pokemon, with the exceptions of hatterene, mawile, and a potential speed tie with sylveon. the important part though is that it outspeeds rapidash handily with trick room set up.

Hello again, Volcarona Anon.

If you'd like me to call you something else, you're going to have to sign off these essays of yours with some sort of name so I know what you prefer.

...But that's neither here nor there. To begin, I'd like to point out that Steel Claw is not a move. Provided you mean Metal Claw, as it seems you likely do, I don't know how you expect to sweep a gym leader's team with a move of 50 power. But, allow me to entertain this for a moment anyway.

We're beginning with Empoleon and Mawile, yes? I'd like to remind you that Mawile has the ability Intimidate, lowering your pokemon's attack from the very moment they meet on the field. Presuming you spend a turn using Swords Dance, I'll have Mawile use Fake Tears. Now, you might try using Swords Dance a second time to boost your attack further, or you might try using Earthquake at this point with +1 attack.

Although...

+1 252 Atk Empoleon Earthquake vs. 0 HP / 252 Def Mawile: 216-256 (89.6 - 106.2%) -- 37.5% chance to OHKO

It seems to me chances are Mawile gets to use a second Fake Tears anyway, yes?

In that case, I'll be sending out Gardevoir next, who outspeeds Empoleon even with speed training to break the Sylveon speed tie. And, lo and behold,

252+ SpA Gardevoir Energy Ball vs. -4 4 HP / 0 SpD Empoleon: 312-368 (100.6 - 118.7%) -- guaranteed OHKO

There we are.

And, just so we're clear, Aqua Jet does not undo my counter. Even if you use Swords Dance twice.

+3 252 Atk Empoleon Aqua Jet vs. 4 HP / 0 Def Gardevoir: 177-208 (63.6 - 74.8%) -- guaranteed 2HKO

Are there any other potential issues I should know about?

[highcourts]

Meet Opal Temperance Ilex!

AKA: Ottie! (she/they/he)

This bulky fae stands at 5’8 & travels the gorgeous lands working as an artist & painting murals for various different folks. They’re originally from Robaire’s kingdom but havent been properly settled in a home for more then a year or two since she was a younger teen. She sports some rather dirty & scuffed black boots, a paint-covered set of overalls, a long sleeved black shirt, and an assortment of leather & metal bracelets.

And- despite the experience you think they’d get from their travels- Ottie is actually rather awkward & bad at communicating. They’re a tad clumsy (very clumsy) and lacking grace, but they’re kind & they try their best not to let their mistakes get them down! What he lacks in confidence, he makes up for in kindness & determination!

Ottie has no love, but they hope to find a sweet fae to share their heart with one day. They just know their sweetheart is out there somewhere!

————

“What do you mean you wanted the portrait to have open wings?… ah- okay- dont worry! Its an easy fix! Gimmie just a few hours and i’ll have ‘er all fixed up!”

my, my, my ... what an unexpected yet extremely welcomed guest we have – come now, opal darling , the innkeeper has asked for your presence.

there you were, in the innkeepers quarters – with the innkeeper herself infront of you. she smiled, poured you & herself a bottle of red wine, and pursed her lips. she gave into the silence, giving you time to fully take in her image.

she was quite pale, her eyes a pretty shade of violet and wings a snow white – if you were to guess which court she came from, you'd have guessed the winter court...

if it weren't for the horns that stood atop her head proudly.

" you may be wondering exactly what I am now, aren't you little faerie ? a lady with the wings of a fae and the horns of a devil. truly a sight for sore eyes I am, am I not ?" she asked, her eyes holding an arrogant glint.

"I usually do not show my horns around here, but you caught me off guard – surprisingly, so lo and behold ! a living dark fey. "

a dark fey.

it's been so long since they've last been seen, because the last time they've been seen was -

was during the war with them and humans.

humans pulled iron from the earth, made their swords and shields with it - drove the dark fey underground, but the bullets that pierced through their wings as they flew through the skies one last time - that is what finished them.

the innkeeper grinned.

atleast that's what everyone thought.

they were not "seelie" nor were they "unseelie", they were simply dark fey. more powerful than any hornless bird like the fae could be.

perhaps, right after the age of fae — right after this age, the dark fey will rise again.

as the dark fey are recovering. they are multiplying. they are growing more and more powerful.

"what's got you so distracted, darling?" the innkeeper pulled you from your thoughts.

" eh, must not be anything important – let me get to the point..." she murmured, surprisingly relaxed. she tilted her head, looking at you through hooded eyes.

"you are the fae who works as an artist, yes? come, you should not stand - i cannot have a guest be tired in my presence. sit, sit. tell me of your travels, tell me of your art, tell me everything."

WAAAAAA OTTIE IS SO CUTE I LOVE THEM SO MUCH [ HOLD OTTIE GENTLE ] OTTIE THE ARTIST IM SUCBA. SUCKER FOR HIM HE SEEMS LIKE A WELL WRITTEN CHARACTER SHES PRETTY COOL

also say hello to the innkeeper <3

[saejinws]

let’s get it! it’s chey ( she/her ), bringing you wishbone’s act #2, paksae. he’s an indie artist with heavy influence from the bedroom pop & chillwave micro-genres, as you can gather from his three official singles at the moment: cassette, karma & late night movie. if discord is more convenient for you, you can add me there ( stream do or not#1490 ), but otherwise, i’m usually reachable in ims! here are saejin’s links : career / stats / plots / pinterest, and hopefully all the other information you need will be found below.

the story.

saejin was lucky enough to be born into a relatively happy family, albeit a small one. both parents are only children, so he didn’t have aunts, uncles or cousins, and only his maternal grandparents were heavily involved with the family, but it was alright! lower middle class, mom who made him watch bird documentaries, dad who had a face made out of stone, but there was still a lot of love. it was nice.

the first big change happened when his little sister ( saebyeol ) was born. her existence put a tragic end to his legacy as the park family’s number one baby, considering she’s a whole eight years younger than him.

in the next year, his mom was diagnosed with a chronic illness; one that would see her rapidly going in and out of hospitals for years to come, so the days of naïve happiness were over for saejin. from that point on, it was about “cherishing every moment” and “living life to the fullest” and “not wasting breath on things that can’t be changed”.

aka his mom’s circumstances meant that he was constantly getting scolded by doctors, rns, family friends, his dad, whoever for displaying negative emotions. was shut down a lot, told that he was being a hassle and that he needed to make things easier for his mom. learned to suppress his emotions unless they were positive.

but while most adults in his life were trying to teach him how to be realistic and approach life with an understanding that nothing is easy, his mom worked hard to do the exact opposite. constantly pushed him to chase his dreams because life is so short, and when he decided that he was going to pursue music, she was the first person to tell him to go for it and give it his all.

got his first guitar at age 14, which is when he started writing his own songs and messing around with editing software, but it wasn’t until 2015 that he started playing his music for people. started in coffee shops ( at this point, his songs were entirely acoustic ), then started playing in clubs in hongdae, which is when he started experimenting with his sound. struggled to gain attention. can’t think of what it’s called rn, but there’s a set amount of tickets that opening acts have to sell to earn their spot in a lineup; saejin’s parents and close friends usually bought a tonnn to help him out because strangers wouldn’t give him the time of day. a nobody. hung out after his sets to meet people, but nobody wanted to meet him. pain.

popularity steadily grew over time, and by late 2019, he was in talks with wishbone records. by the new year, he was a signed artist.

assumed that having a record deal guaranteed International Stardom, so you can imagine his surprise when his first music video hardly gained 5k views in the entire debut week... it was an eye-opening experience for him. realized that the grind was, in fact, not over yet. 

his popularity is on a steady incline, but he still isn’t anywhere close to being a household name. very lowkey. he pretends that he doesn’t care, but it eats away at him. spends most of his time in his studio nowadays, trying to create a song that will pull him into the charts. becoming more distant from his parents because he’s so caught up in work, so that’ll probably come back around to bite him in the ass eventually but yk... oh well.

saebyeol is the only family member whom he couldn’t distance himself from if she tried because she’s a parasite. always at his apartment or blowing up his phone, which drives him absolutely crazy because her favorite pastime is ruthlessly bullying him. she’s a little demon.

the character.

park saejin, aka PAKSAE. ‘97. seoulite. soloist.

social introvert. he prefers to spend time alone and usually doesn’t seek company, but if he’s approached first, he’s a relatively open book. forms bonds quickly.

gets unreasonably attached to his friends in short periods of time, so he tries to keep his circle small. he can only deal with wondering why three people aren’t texting him back in a single day: any more than that and he spirals.

pretty optimistic view of life, i think. could’ve become jaded due to his mom’s situation, but she’s made huge efforts to keep his worries minimal and be the best role model she can be in her circumstances. has tried to instill a “life is short, so embrace every moment with open arms” mentality in both of her kids, which saejin picked up on a whole lot more than his little sister has. you probably wouldn’t assume this by listening to his Pity Party Songs ( as saebyeol puts it ), but he’s a happy guy!

on the topic of his pity party songs, all three of his singles so far are a bit sad/melancholic, detailing looking back on the ending of something. he rarely expresses sadness or regret in his day-to-day life, but he considers music to be an outlet. the one place he can be as real as he wants without being criticized. ( that’s what he thought before, anyway. nowadays, he’s constantly getting comments about how nobody wants to listen to him cry about his breakups. fair enough. )

his appearance contradicts his personality. on the outside, he seems like a very loud, expressive person: vibrant colors, unusual materials ( silk chiffon, organza, velvet, etc ), lots of accessories such as gaudy rings, y2k-style beaded necklaces & polymer clay earrings that he probably buys from etsy. but he’s really, really chill & soft-spoken, tries to blend in even though it’s... impossible when he looks the way that he does.

gets most of his social interaction through the sporadic gigs that he plays. on stage, he’s highly expressive and interactive with his fans. when i think of his stage presence, i think of artists like lauv & troye sivan: he utilizes all of his stage space, even when performing more mellow songs. doesn’t want to just stand around and bore his audience. but nowadays, he rarely waits around to meet people because he’s become even more introverted than he was before. in his day-to-day life, there are only about three people whom he contacts frequently and always shows up for. otherwise, his connections are situational: associates the people in his life with certain places, things or activities and rarely meets up with them outside those situations. prefers to communicate through texts or social media messages if he can, but even then, if you aren’t one of his three closest friends, it’s difficult to reach him unless he needs or wants something.

but even tho he’s SUCH a loner... he’s what i like to call a serial romantic. not on a dating ban and also not that popular anyway, so he goes on a lot of dates. blind dates, tinder dates, whatever. texting his friends like “i think i’m in love” twice a month but he’s never talking about the same person. wears a heart-shaped rose quartz pendant to try to manifest meeting his soulmate but he doesn’t want to be clowned for believing in the power of crystals/stones ( or for being so obsessed with love even though it’s OBVIOUS if you listen to his music ) so he says he just wears it ‘cause it’s nice to look at. 

his stage name, 박새, is a type of bird. it’s usually stylized as paksae, so most people don’t question it much, but eventually his intl fanbase got curious about what it means and popped the hangul into a translator: lo and behold, he’s now “affectionately” referred to by fans in english-speaking regions as tit. it isn’t saebyeol’s fault but he’s definitely found a way to blame her for it.

if you go to any of his music videos, you will find numerous comments from paksaeanti05. that’s saebyeol. usually she’s hating on him, but if anyone ELSE tries to hate on him, she turns into a keyboard warrior. she’s his biggest critic and his most loyal supporter.

[queenlittleduck]

Siren's call

Chapter 3 - First Day in UA

Fuck, fuckity fuck! The first day and Athena was already late. She swore to god she was going to get kicked out of UA before she could even flunk her first exam. Her feet slammed against the floor and her head swung frantically from side to side as she continue my search. 1A?! Where the fuck was 1A, she was going to ki- There! She comes to a screeching halt as a huge door loomed before her with a sign above reading “1A”. The corners of her mouth pull up in glee as she reached for the handle. At last! She let it swing open and—THUNK!! Oops. Still gripping the door she leaned to peek past it. A kid was on the ground rubbing his forehead with one hand. Did this idiot just run into the door?

She stepped towards him and reached her hand out. “You okay there, bud?”

He slowly opened an eye but shot up to his feet as soon as he saw her. He seemed to have forgotten he was in pain as he beams at her. “Whoa! I didn’t know the girls here would be so cute! I don’t mind you “hitting” on me like that, ha-ha! If you get what I mean!”

She stilled. Her eyes slid down towards his finger-guns. Back up. She blinked.

Laughter threatened to bubble up her throat at the situation. This kid! She hit him with a door and the first thing he says is a bad pickup line. Priceless! The boy still stood there with his finger-guns up but his eyebrows drawn together in a confused look.

She leaned forward and squinted at him; that thunderbolt in his hair... She’d seen it before. “I remember you! You were in the practical entrance exam with me. Electricity, right? Nice to meet you. I’m Athena. Sorry about the door.”

His eyes widened in recognition. He leans forward excitedly as his confused look is replaced by a smile once more. “No way! You were that bird chick, right? Your quirk is so cool! You look different without all the... feathers.”

Her smile dropped.

“Bird? The fuck do you-” She stopped herself. She had to be friendlier to the little heroes. “Yes, I am indeed the bird chick, as you so eloquently put it.” She leaned back against the door. “What’s your name, sweetie? Actually, never mind. Can you tell me later? We should go sit down; I think we’re late.” She looked into the classroom. Most of the seats were already taken.

As soon they walked in an argument erupted. Some kid with glasses was pointing very pointedly at a blondie who has his feet propped up on the desk. Something about respect for the furniture. Damn, some stick he must’ve had up his ass.

Athena’s eyes fell to the blondie again. The blondie from the attack, the one who bought a cake in Sweet Heaven. She couldn’t believe this, what a coincidence! She should- no, she should not. It was a sensitive subject. Instead of walking up to him she headed to the back of the class and took one of the seats there. Thunderbolt kid sat down next to her, albeit slowly, as if unsure she’d let him sit there.

“I’m Kaminari Denki, by the way.” His eyes shifted slowly towards her chair. She grimaced. She made him nervous, of course. She needed to be less aggressive if she wanted to make any money as a friendly little superhero.

She smiled as nicely as she could and looked him straight in the eyes. “Nice to meet you, Kaminari. I hope we can be friends.” She forced her smile to widen. That was normal to say right? Or was it too straight forward? Man, she really wasn’t used to this type of crowd. He was just staring at her. Had she been smiling too long? Fuck. Her smile dropped and she turned to look towards the front. Where was the teacher anyway?

“If you’re just here to make friends you can just pack up your stuff now,” someone declared from beyond the door. A worn-out looking man stepped out of his sleeping bag and declared himself as the teacher, “Shota Aizawa,” but not before criticizing how loud the students were being and something else Athena didn’t hear. The man didn’t look like a teacher to her, bur rather a homeless person with insomnia but, hey, looks can be deceiving. He was kind of hot for a teacher, she thought. But never mind that. After his surprising declaration he instructed them to put on gym outfits and head outside. Let’s get to work on becoming a hero.

---

She transformed into her‘bird form’ in the changing rooms where she got a couple “oohs” and “ahs” from her peers. To be expected, she knew she was pretty fucking cool. A girl with horns and pink skin comes up to her and complimented on her wings as well. the pink-haired girl then introduced herself as Mina Ashido really excitedly. She was pretty cute and Athena was a sucker for compliments so she figured if she needed to make friends, this Mina would probably be one of the most tolerable. They continued to chat on the way outside where Athena bumped into another someone with a familiar face. She was surprised by how many faces she recognized in the group considering she didn’t typically fraternize with wannabe heroes.

“Yo, no way. Aren’t you Kirishima from the entrance exam? Did you change up your hair? It looks rad!” She gave him a thumbs-up accompanied with a smile. Way to go, Athena, that was super likable and hopefully not coming off as fake.  The former shocked face he donned turned into a bright grin as realization fell upon his face. His eyes scrunched up from his bright smile and, yeah, he was still as cute as he was in the exam.

“Yeah. Athena, right? I can’t believe you recognized me!” he almost exclaimed with a growing smile. “I was trying to start fresh with the new look so I’m sort of bummed you saw how I looked back then, but thanks I thought it was super manly!” Sadly, their conversation got cut short as they arrive to the quirk assessment area.

---

Oh, boy, did she regret this decision already. Of course, she ended up with an impossible fucking teacher. Of course there would be no orientation in the hero course and they’d just jump straight into a quirk assessment test. Dude was going to expel whoever ended up last! That’s mean, not even letting them improve. She wasn’t worried about being expelled, she had no doubt over her abilities. But she felt bad for the sucker who was going to lose.

Aizawa, the teacher, called up Bakugo, the blondie, because he got the highest score in the entrance exam to start. They were going to be doing a standardized gym test but Aizawa was encouraging, nay, demanding quirk usage. Bakugo stepped up to throw the softball to see if he could beat the 67 meters from middle school he had without using his quirk. He prepared to throw the ball but when he released it, he let out an explosion and a very loud “DIE!” to accompany it. Lo and behold, he got a whopping 705.2 meters, a big jump from his previous score.

---

The 50 meter run camefirst. Athena used this opportunity to get a good look at her future classmates and start to figure out their quirks (and hopefully how to use beat them) as well as test her own limits. They had the engine calves, Tenya Iida. Ochaco Uraraka, a bubbly girl who could nullify gravitational pull. I’m sure you know them all so I won’t bother listing them, but I will comment on those Athena recognized. Bakugo pulled up with his explosions next to a boy with green, curly hair. The same green, curly haired boy as from the library who jumped in to save blondie. Athena wondered what his quirk was, he didn’t seem to be using it to run at least. Or maybe he’s just shy, he looks the type.

Soon it became her turn. She readied herself and when Aizawa blew the whistle, she dug her feet down and used her wings to propel herself forward. She didn’t have much time to build up speed since it was only 50 meters so she ended up with a solid 3.58 seconds. Not too shabby.

Next was the grip test where Athena did only slightly above average since her arms strengthened only slightly when they turned into wings. The tests continued; long jump, running rounds, ball throw etc. She continue to do well since this is what she had been training for, either average if she couldn’t use her quirk much or extremely well, like in the long jump. The long, exhausting hours in the gym and training her quirk weren’t for nothing. She’d been training for this since Mother got sick. She was going to be the best no matter what and become a hero, for Mother.

The green-haired boy, on the other hand, didn’t seem to have been working as hard. Or he simply had a terrible quirk since he wasn’t visibly using it at all. He looked determined enough but determination did nothing in a test if he hadn’t prepared for it. He stepped up to the ring, preparing the ball. His eyes steeled as he decided on something. He raised his arm to let the ball fly, but once again, it turned out to be a measly attempt that amounted to nothing. Green-haired boy looked down disappointed and slightly confused before turning to the teacher.

Whoa there! Mr. Aizawa no longer looked as much like a homeless person but rather a sexy hero/homeless-person/insomniac. He had activated his quirk and his scarf flowed freely around him. This wasn’t just any hero/homeless-person/insomniac, but Eraserhead, a hero who could erase anyone’s quirk by just looking at them and look sexy while doing it (if Athena were in an acceptable age range for him, that is).

“You’re not ready. You don’t have control over your power.” He told the green-haired kid. He continued to berate him but stepped closer so the boy was the only one who heared him. And Athena, of course. Because of her bird hearing thing. The green-haired kid, Aizawa mentioned his name was Midoriya, looked scared at first. But again, his eyes steeled in determination as he readied himself to throw the ball. Seemed like Aizawa’s words were futile and the kid was done for before he even started.

Midoriya raised his arm again to propel the ball forward but the ball actually shot forward with greater speed than before. Midoriya stood there proudly with a broken finger. Was his body not used to his quirk? Did he not have any control over it or something? The boy looked so determined and Aizawa allowed him to continue at school because he had potential apparently for only breaking a finger and not his entire arm. Athena didn’t really think he’d be much a hero if he couldn’t even handle throwing a ball but maybe he’d grow crazy control in a short amount of time and all of a sudden get used to his quirk.

When Midoriya threw the ball, revealing his quirk, Bakugo was sent into a rage. Athena could only imagine what caused it by drawing conclusions from him yelling about how Midoriya was a quirkless loser but she couldn’t fathom how not knowing about a peer’s quirk is enough to cause someone to have an outburst like this. He meant to attack Midoriya as he rushed forward but Aizawa catches him and subdues him with his scarf. Damn, some anger issues this blondie had.

The first day was soon over and Athena headed to the bus station alone. Despite it being the first day she really felt like she’d gotten a glimpse into a lot of her classmates’ personalities. Definitely gave her an idea of how hot-headed Bakugo was, how shy and determined Midoriya was, Denki’s very bad flirting, Mina’s friendliness and she even ended up in the same class as Kirishima, the cute guy from the entrance exam. She didn’t think she’d be as good at socializing with these kinds of people since she usually ran with a different crowd but it seemed to her that being surface-level friendly really went a long way here. She didn’t plan on making friends but getting to know her classmates would help her in many ways, if not only to find out their weaknesses to beat them in the future.

---

previous (2) - next (4)

[pinkysfaultorbrainsfault]

pinky and the brain - s1e6: brainania

i’m running on like the barest dregs of energy let’s fucking do this leeroy jenkins

episode summary: brain needs to build a Very Big Tumbly Drier. he needs a lot of money to build a Very Big Tumbly Drier. he decides the best way to do this is to.... invent a country and scam the us out of a foreign aid cheque.

hm.

the rundown:

it’s acme labs!

there it is.

as we zoom in a little, we hear pinky laughing maniacally at the very mention of tom ruegger, while a couple of women are dead on the floor.

hm.

SPEAK TO ME, PHYLLIS, SPEAK. as it turns out, things aren’t quite as dire as previously thought, as pinky affirms that brain looks “simply fetching.”

narf.

“these are the only garments i could obtain. and besides, you are no helen of troy yourself.”

ignoring the fact that he chose to wear the hat and the gloves as well, brain moves onto explaining his latest plan--

but not before giving pinky a static-y poke for his crimes.

“to generate global static cling, we shall construct a massive clothes dryer.”

BEHOLD.

THE TITANOCYCLE FOUR THOUSAND, WITH THREE SPEEDS AND AUTOMATIC WRINKLEGUARD. this will surely allow brain to.... trap everyone in their clothes via static cling and. uh. allow him to seize power...... somehow......... by putting everyone in a really big tumbledryer?????

it costs fourteen billion dollars.

“oh, i have it!”

“we build a huge tooth, leave it under a huge pillow, and then fairies will leave us lots of money!”

brain tells pinky to stop eating paint chips. it’s a well deserved response to pinky’s insane, bullshit idea, not nearly as dignified and scientific as Everyone Goes In The Big Tumbly Dryer By Brain Age Two And A Half.

as he heads off to ponder an Equally Sensible idea to get a lot of money, pinky assures brain that he will not “be a bother.”

“brain.”

“if i ate a hundred jelly rolls, would i explode?”

i don’t know why pinky is sticking his ass out. maybe that’s where the jelly rolls go, in the sense that whenever i used to eat cakes around my dad he’d often say something like “a minute on the lips is a lifetime on the hips”. (also? pinky is british, so what he actually means is jelly rolls, and that sounds disgusting.)

so anyway brain gives him a piece of paper and tells him to try origami.

BUT WAIT.

“pinky! are you pondering what i’m pondering?” “i think so brain, but why the bitch stacey foreign aid office is giving chad all the money while i’ve always been a nice guy and showed her a basic level of human respect is beyond me. narf.”

no i’m sorry. he didn’t say that. pinky respects women. also apologies to the residents of the actual country of chad. big ups to all of you. lol. (he actually says “but pantyhose are so uncomfortable in the summertime”, which is wild, considering this episode was aired in november.)

brain doesn’t want to wear the pantyhose.

well, maybe he does, but not right now. instead, he suggests that they form a bogus nation and demand reparations from the united states, which is, of course, easier, saner, and far less work than Really Big Tooth. as he folds the Chad Newspaper into a vague key shape (the Virgin Tabloid never had a chance) pinky points out that, uh

you can’t just invent a country, brain. “won’t people know we’re not a real country?”

“the average american’s grasp of geography is pitiful. they’ll think we’re part of the former soviet union.”

“or canada.”

so they pick a random, tiny island on the label of a Science Chemical and set off on the boat to Being A Coloniser Town.

a long sea voyage awaits us! and at the end, we shall found a nation! and that nation shall be called!

BRAINANIA.

“can’t we call it pinkyland? or eric?”

“don’t vex me, pinky, or i shall turn on you.”

so they get on the S.S FATTY LUMPKIN and bugger off to Island X.

“i haven’t seen anybody yet, brain. i guess we’re alone here.”

“excellent, pinky. it’s time to flesh out the terrain.”

“that volcano will be mount brain.”*

“this clearing will be brain flats,”

“and that water over there--”

“very well.”

“the fjord of pinky.”

and they hoist their adorable, homemade flag, while pinky doots them a little themetune.

(*perhaps when they’re not in the middle of the jungle.)

how lovely!

less lovely.

significantly less lovely. still, it got brain to make the little O:O face, so it’s not all bad.

as the mice are scooped up onto a sphere and presented in front of this presumably-maori gentleman, brain decides to put his White Gay From Los Angeles skills to the test, and reassures pinky that he will communicate with them in the Primitive Argot Of The South Seas.

ME NUMBER ONE FELLA. OTHER FELLA NUMBER TEN. CATCHY ALL SAME SAME. YOU SAVVY?

“good day, mate. d’you speak english?”

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

anyway apparently this has happened often enough that these guys learnt english. from all the times it happened. and then they ate the guy they learnt english from and shrunk his head, but to be honest, i don’t blame them.

this is alan. “hello, alan.” says pinky.

“i would be pinky! and this is prime minister brain.”

“who is IN CHARGE OF THIS ISLAND AND EVERYTHING YOU SEEEE.”

“narf.”

sneaky bastard knows what he’s doing.

alan isn’t too happy with that, because the island belongs to the volcano god, whanganui,

WHO PROTECTS US FROM EVIL AND HAAARM AND WHAT ALL ELSE.

(i can find no evidence that whanganui is actually a god, as opposed to just A Bit Of New Zealand. if they are, i’m more than happy to go back and edit this as would be religiously considerate.)

this is the face of a man who knows he has fucked up.

still, brain decides yet again that his pride comes before any kind of rational decision, so he decides to tell them that whanganui sent him to the island to rule over them,

as proven by his fire powers.

(ETA: i missed this last time. why is brain carrying a lighter around? that episode isn’t for a good few more seasons yet.)

alan is unimpressed.

I CAN TRAP YOUR SOULS INSIDE THIS GLASS

“i can make bubbles with my spit!”

apparently this is a real talent on the island. who’d have thought. (they do not believe it to be a sign of god. it’s just really cool.)

so brain gets a hand building brainania.

it has everything one could possibly need.

actually pretty much as soon as the airport and the gift shop are built, brain heads to washington, so evidently he holds the strong opinion that this is everything a country could possibly need. odd. still, maybe he plans on adding stuff once he becomes world ruler, or whatever.

so with that established, The Most Exalted ned limpopo gets out of the car. hassan lembeck is also here. he is attempting to make an origami bird out of a newspaper.

no bird for you, mr lembeck. no bird for you.

they wander off to go and see mr bisck, who is currently playing with a little toy plane.

he reacts to the news that the prime minister of brainania is here to see him with “oh great, more moochers,”

and does not seem to take kindly to having tiny mice on his desk, even if they are reasonably exalted.

though a quick database search tells him said mice have no record of financial trouble, or, indeed, a credit rating, so. he tells them to go away.

“go away.”

okay. hassan doesn’t take this well.

as Exalted Ned Limpopo gently tries to persuade mr bisck that he could “harm negotations” between brainania and the us (a lot more politely than he usually explains things to people, may i add) hassan chimes in with a haven’t you people ever heard of bold claim that brainania, if slighted, will INVADE YOUR LANDS

GO BOOM BOOM BOOM

AND MAKE YOU ALL OUR PATHETIC SLAAAAAAAAAAAAVES.

mr bisck does not like this idea, it seems.

as he rushes off to tell the UN, brain informs pinky that he has

“just created an international incident.”

“oh, thank you, brain.”

“in the words of the immortal yogi bear, this is dejavu all over again.”

so the boys turn up on PUNCHLINE, WITH FRED FLUBBLE.

there he is. “perhaps you gentlemen would care to climb up on the desk?”

they make it, just about.

and sing a fun little song about brainania’s war victories, i guess.

WE WILL FIGHT AND NEVER QUIT

FIND ME A ROOFTOP AND I WILL SPIT. NARF

this is not well recieved by the us military.

unfortunately, as the US press secretary points out, the us cannot go to war with a country it can’t find,

(wuss.)

so instead the mice are invited to dinner at the white house.

“in a few short hours, pinky, we shall have our foreign aid loan, and then the world!”

“birdy birdy birdy! narf!”

“i sense much of this historic moment is lost on you.”

at the white house, a very bored looking individual introduces The Most Exalted Ned Limpopo (feat. hassan lembeck), and bill clinton shakes his hand.

“me number one fella. other fellas number ten. catchy all same same. you savvy?”

“i speak fluent english.”

“eyyyy. haha. sure you do.”

“all brainania ever wanted from the US was friendship. friendship, and fourteen billion dollars and fifty nine cents. the friendship i will treasure. the money i will spend on polo ponies and cruise missiles.”

brain has a brief discussion with hilary clinton over the advantages of strontium ninety versus uranium two-thirty-eight,

bill clinton pulls this face and tells them it Sounds Smart,

and the mice bounce merrily back to mr bisck to get their foreign aid check.

“you better not lose it, buster!!! i just erased your records!! you won’t get another one from me!!!!”

HA.

“one should be enough. thanks and farewell, “

“you niggling bureaucrat.”

conclusion:

upon returning back to brainania, The Most Exalted Ned Limpopo finds a letter from alan addressed to him. it’s also mouse sized, which is adorable. apparently, whanganui,

WHO PROTECTS US FROM EVIL AND WHAT ALL ELSE

is “blinking mad”, and the volcano is going to explode.

brain, obviously, does not believe in whanganui, and is mostly just mad that he’s lost his workforce. still, as pinky points out,

“at least we've still got brainania!”

“i sense life has taken another sardonic twist.”

still, they do, barely, have enough time to reach the shoreline and start swimming away from the imminently exploding volcano. perhaps it should have been, yknow, a pretty decent sign that the natives cleared out. historically, people who live in these places tend to know about them, but what of that when brain is number one guy same same you savvy.

🙄

anyway the karmatic response to all of that previous racism is that a tidal wave sweeps them back onto the volcano,

which then blasts them into space.

(okay not literally space. but they do end up on a little raft in the middle of the ocean. don’t ask me where the raft came from. i have no idea.)

oof.

“mother nature has slammed her unmerciful fist on our fair isle, pinky.”

“do you know what this means?”

“birdy birdy birdy!!!!”

brain does not appreciate Birdy Birdy Birdy.

“blast it, pinky!”

“i said, do you know what this means!!”

“it means you just ripped up our foreign aid cheque.”

one should be enough, huh?

brain: 7 pinky: 7 outside influence: 13

like, i don’t know. maybe pinky shouldn’t have been making oragami birds out of the foreign aid cheque. but, while silly, it’s not like it did any harm. brain.... brain just needs to chill.

“well, aren’t you the tiniest foreigners i’ve had in here all morning. i’m mr appleby, can i help you?”

“yes. we would like to have relations with you. and steal some milk duds.”

“we wish to establish diplomatic relations with the us. i am the prime minister, and this is my minister of finance.”

“brainania--? oh, i remember you. you used to be a.... suburb of prague.”

“can you prove you’re a nation?”

“yes! we have postcards.”

“that’s the fjord of pinky.”

“you foreign folk sure have your own.... queer little ways.”

[seb-owns-these-tatas]

Chapstick (Lance Tucker x you)

Characters: Lance Tucker x female Reader

Summary: Y/N was in the middle of getting trained for the Olympics when her boyfriend decided to talk to her just to break up. Lance sees his trainee having a mental breakdown and he didn't hesitate to comfort her.

Warnings: A LOT of cuss words. We're talking about Lance Tucker, Tater tots. An asshole ex boyfriend. Kinda asshat, Tucker. Just kinda?

Words: 3,763

A/N: This is my first oneshot for him, I guess? I hope y'all would love it because I had fun writing him!

Disclaimer: GIF'S and pictures used are not mine. Only the edits are and the oneshot of course. 😉 Credits to the owners of the GIFS.

PLAGIARISM IS A CRIME. 

"What do you mean it's not good, coach? I've did what you wanted me to do!" You huffed and panted at the same time. Chest heaving up and down as you eyed your hot coach, all prepped up with his blue, white and red uniform that he never ceases to forget to wear every damn day. He stood before you looking like a Greek god and you mentally slapped yourself for thinking about obscene things with him when you were in a relationship with your boyfriend. Plus, Lance was a total douche towards you so imagining those things could make you cringe at the thought because of his obnoxious personality that was overpowering the attraction you had for the man, mentally killing the attraction you had.

"You wobbled," Lance 'the fucker' Tucker spat as a matter of fact, squinting his eyes on your ungraceful form, probably judging you inside his head.

You rolled your eyes in discreet, he probably saw that because you do it all the time but he didn't bother acknowledging it. You marched out of the mat to go chalk your hands because it seemed to sweat a little much today. Your high bun ponytail swinging in the same time with your heavy footsteps. Here you thought your coach would stop pestering you, it turns out he never knew when to shut his filthy..gorgeous mouth of his.

"Did I tell you to fucking walk off?" Lance spat, his brows cinched together. He was acting like a pole was up in his butt, even more hot headed than the days before. He was certainly not helping your mixed emotions running inside your stupid head. "I'm this close to ripping your balls away and making you eat it alive!" You reprimanded back, teeth gritted together. The sudden power answering him back shocked you because you never did since day one. However, today seemed to be an exception. Lance was acting more of an asshole than he is and he better not make a mistake because you could turn feral when provoked.

"Do it! Fucking do it, I fucking dare you, Y/N!" He barked back, marching towards you with that fiery gaze of his. His gaze looked so sexy and hot, yet you were trying your hardest not to get affected by your raging hormones travelling inside of your head and in between your legs. You were a taken lady, have a boyfriend even. A boyfriend who appear to be distant and cold the past weeks. Your heart stopped beating when you felt Lance's hands on the sides of your arms, his fingers digging on your sides, he leaned down to be in line with your vision. It was then and there you saw how beautiful the colors of his eyes were, they were a pretty pair despite of the pissed off look he was giving you. He was being the epitome of a walking sin. "You're all talk and less action, Y/L/N. Kitty got scared?" His pretty Steele blue eyes was livid. Eyebrows all up and daring you, "I'd rather have your lips sucking my balls, wouldn't it be a waste if you would throw it away? Come on, Y/N." He clucked his tongue, cocking his head to the side as he found everything amusing, yet slightly aggravating for you. "Have a little fun while you have it,"

Lance's tasteful lips turned into a smirk, his demeanor goading you into grabbing the bait. "My nuts won't bite...unless triggered,"

Your jaw was tightly clenched, your next words coming out of your lips harshly, eyes completely trained on the piercing blue eyes of your trainer, trying hard not to back down and kiss his feet. "You sick fuck," Your nickname for him made him raise a brow, shaking his head in entertainment. "Why are you even so mad at me right now? I did nothing wrong!"

His hands began to rest on the sides of his hips, and you knew in that simple gesture meant that he switched to his coach mode, full rant about your performance with the practice was about to get jot down like bullets. "You keep doing mistakes, even have a difficult time registering the basics inside your head!" Lance licked his lips in aggravation, pointing a finger at you. "If you're goddamn distracted because of one stupid fucking lover problems, you better know to throw those pathetic distractions away while you're here! We gotta act professional, Y/N!"

An audible loud snort came out of you as you shook your head in utter disbelief. "Wow," You spat as a matter of fact, giving him a series of claps. Entirely amused by the methods of his coaching. "So much to say for yourself, Coach. Aren't you the sick fuck who was asking a twenty year old to suck his balls a while ago?"

He had back you away till your back hit a cold metal pole. Lance was eyeing you down like a lion watching his prey, never even forgetting to give you a once over because you looked completely exquisite in your leotard. "I wasn't asking," He muttered nonchalantly, popping a gum inside his filthy mouth, Mint. Definitely mint because whenever he had to talk to you up close, his minty breath was all you could ever sniff besides his spicy, macho perfume that all the itchy ladies loved. "It was a great suggestion rather than ripping my balls off alive," Lance chewed on his gum very loudly, making you more irritated by his huge ego, conceitedness and arrogance.

He was clearly even a walking asshat, you mindlessly thought over the back of your mind. Embedding that opinion inside your head over and over again.

Your staring contest was cut off when both of you heard a loud knock on a wall, letting his presence be known. Lo and behold, the boy who had forget about you for an entire week stood at the end of the gym. Looking all innocent and anxious as he stood his weight from one foot to the other. He then yelled, never looking bothered that Lance seemed to be rather much close to you and has you trapped in his presence. "May I speak to her?" Your boyfriend croaked out, sounding unattractively throaty. "It's important,"

Lance spun his heels around, his brows deeply furrowed, eyes squinted and glaring at the young man who came to see you. He looked definitely more furious than before, "What if I fucking say no?" He spoke aloud, oblivious that he raised a hand to brush his perfectly fuck boy gelled up hair. "We're practicing! Come back when she's fucking done being an uncoordinated gymnast!" He lowly snorted, only you had the advantage because you were close to your asshole of a coach. His piercing blue eyes swiftly landed on you, cocking his head to where your boyfriend was, a lopsided smile on show. "Limp dick's here to get his damsel in distress, if you ever were in a fucking distress which I clearly can't see,"

"Can you stop being an asshole for one second?" You exasperatedly whisper-yelled at the Adonis in front of you, sounding desperate as you were on the verge on exploding all your pent up emotions towards everyone. You definitely had to deal with your boyfriend right now, and Lance is not helping. Your heels whipped around, eyes leaving your very amused coach in the gym as you flipped him the bird after he yelled, "I'm giving you five minutes, so you better not fuck like rabbits in my gym!"

You shake your head, rubbing your temples together as you paraded towards where your boyfriend was, looking serious and mad. Well, what was his problem then? You weren't the person who became distant, forgetting that you have a boyfriend. It was technically the other way around. Arms crossed in front of him, you glared into his eyes. Totally showing how pissed off you were at him, yet the sentence he spat seem to irk you more. "Lance Tucker? Really, Y/N? There are tons of great coaches in the world, why the fuck did you pick him?"

"Everybody had 24 hours a day, so why didn't you fucking bother talking to me when all I ever wanted was a bit of your attention?"

(Y/BF/N)'s eyes went all wide. Igniting that growing anger inside of him. "Don't change the topic, Y/N--"

"You're here to bitch out about why I chose Lance as a coach? Why don't we skip the irrelevant problem and go straight to the main problem? Why. Did. You. Ignored. Me. For. A. Week Y/BF/N?" Your words were emphasized and even your emotions. The more that your conversation continues, the more it gets intense. From the moment you've started raising your voice, a man who have been busying himself with his phone on the other end of the gym have raised his head, instantly setting his pretty blue eyes as he was checking if you were still fine.

Which is exactly the opposite.

"Babe," Y/BF/N tried to reach your arm, yet you were faster and harshly jerked his hand away. "Oh no you don't," He dropped his hands in a tight fist, glaring down at your figure. Oh, the audacity. "Don't call me that because it's giving me shivers,"

"Bet he calls you that too," He spat, his eyebrows cinched together in fury. Was he really thinking you and Lance had something together? Sure, your coach was a womanizer, but you...you won't go that far with him. Your mind was set, you've picked Lance because he won gold and silver. He has a lot of potential in teaching you how to win the gold. You know everything happening was strictly professional..sometimes. But, it's not the point. You know he's a great gymnast.

Former limp dick shrugged his lanky shoulders, staring straight at you with no remorse, showing the animosity that you didn't expect to come from him. He was acting strange, like he's become a changed man in just over a week. "You probably moan his name in bed either, Maggie showed me the video,"

Well, that made your eyebrows grow up higher than the empire state building.

"Maggie--Maggie Townsend? How the fuck do you even know her? And what video?"

You've notice a pair of eyes have been on you since the moment your argument started, you couldn't help but take a glimpse at the asshole of a coach that you have.

His eyes were tightly squinted together, Lance looked like he was ready to pounce on Y/BF'S/N, eyebrows all furrowed and serious..Your heart skipped a beat as you saw him being all protective, guarding you like a hawk. Even thinking that your boyfriend would hurt you at that exact moment..Not until Lance started wiggling his brows, nodding knowingly at you while he raised his wrist, showing you the time while he gestured that you only had two minutes left.

Y/BF'S/N technically curved your question and started ranting with his unstoppable dirty ass mouth, making your insides go at war with your emotions. He was really getting on your nerves right now and Lance didn't let that go unnoticed when you started impatiently tapping your foot on the floor while you tightened your fists. "Don't be an in denial bitch, Y/N. You're just like everybody else. What's even special about him? His huge ego? Conceited self? A narcissistic bastard? Or his arrogance turned you on, so that's why you gave in?" He whisper-yelled, scared that Lance would hear the argument. Wow, what a limp dick indeed.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING?" You yelled and the whole gym echoed. Lance began to cross his arms, his thewy biceps already popping out of his red, blue and white uniform. Every little bit of his attention was practically on you, and only you.

"Don't play dumb on me, Y/N. I had to force this out of Maggie in exchange for..something valuable. If I didn't give her what she wanted, then I wouldn't have known this,"

"What the fuck are you talking about? What did you even give her?" You didn't realized that your voice started to go quieter, smaller and weak. There was a hunch inside your head, but you were trying your hardest not to believe it. However, your boyfriend's next words broke you whole, tearing the trust and love you had for him. Even your big, youthful heart.

Y/BF'S/N's whole demeanor changed, he held his head up high as he looked down on you. Seeing you in the verge of tearing apart was feeding his ego and pride. It was making him damn happy for a lie that was fed off to him by a woman who was extremely infatuated at him. Hard. "Paradise. Just like those kind that Mr. Lance-the-fucker-Tucker gives you,"

"W-What?" You stuttered, and Lance saw how your shoulders fell. It wasn't the Y/N he knew. You should've sassily raised a brow at your boyfriend, show him those fangs that he sees all the time.

Lance sighed exasperatedly to himself, pinching at his temples. "Fuck, Tucker. Don't interfere, don't fucking involve yourself." He chanted like it was his mantra.

"That's right, Y/N. Now, you know how it feels,"

You blew out a breath you've been holding, glowering at him with an incredulous glint in your eyes. "Are you seriously thinking straight right now?" You spat, squinting your eyes at him and realizing that his eyes looked entirely different, too different and colored. "Oh, God. No you aren't. Your eyes are full blown red, you're...you're--"

Lance saw how you washed your face with your hand, trying to hold back on punching your ex-boyfriend in the face. He saw you raise your arm, pointing towards where the exit was.

"Get outta my fucking sight, Y/BF/N! You're a fucking douche bag, an asshole!"

Y/BF'S/N cocked his head to the side, smirking widely. His mouth never knowing when to stop, "If I'm an asshole, then you're a bitch. Fair enough?"

The whole gym was quiet, your mind went blank and you just wanted to scream at him for showing you his true demons. He wasn't the boy you used to love, the boy in front of you was a huge bastard, he even had the courage to smirk after basically telling you he had sex with your friend turned enemy when she began leaving you for a new, popular group of friends and her boyfriend who have been the popular boy in school.

Past was definitely the past. Time's changed now and you were already in your freshman year, you knew she went to a university far from you but you didn't expect she'll still be around. Maggie even had to guts to ruin your relationship and lie just to have her favorite, new eye-candy who was technically not available, yet that didn't stop them from fucking each other.

You could feel yourself frowning, eyes all cloudy and warm. Uh-oh, you thought to yourself. Your tears were threatening to fall and if he doesn't leave, then he'll have the satisfaction to see you crying over a worthless boy.

"Aw, guilty as charged, Y/N?" He badly teased, leaning down to take a better view of your face. You were about to open your mouth and shout a loud cuss on his face, yet you heard a voice that you didn't expect would be your knight in shining armor because he can also be a knight in shining asshole at the same time. But, to make everything a little better, Lance probably thought it was time to show his assholey-ness towards a person who was born the same race with him.

"Hey, dick-sucking-fucker! That's enough! Out of my fucking gym," Lance crossed his arms after practically marching with heavy foot steps as he went towards where you were. Y/BF'S/N gave him a scowl and to your surprise, Lance snaked his hand on your shoulder, clamping his hand tightly on your arm. Mentally telling you now to cry over a petty boy like your ex. You bit your lip hard before squeezing yourself in between the empty space of Lance's arm, which made him lift a lopsided smile when you did.

He saw how your ex-boyfriend took notice of the interaction. That's good, Lance's mindlessly thought at the back of his mind. That's what he wanted Y/BF'S/N to feel. He wanted him to die inside his own insecurities and doubtfulness, believing over a manipulated gossip that was obviously a lie.

"What are you going to fucking do about it, asshole?"

Lance shrugged, chewing on his gum rather loudly than he intended too. "I'm letting you choke up a fucking pole while you try and smoke another joint, Limp dick."

"M-My dick is not limp," Y/BF'S/N reprimanded, stuttering by Lance's intimidating aura. Just his mere presence could make his ego turn to dust. Your coach snickered, chuckling to himself and raising his hand to point out what he wanted to say. "Small dick? better? I remember how Y/N told me it was a size of a--what was that called? Oh, a fucking Chapstick,"

"You assho--!"

"I'm an asshole, but at the same fucking time," Lance breathed though his nose, eyes blazing and taunting. "I'm the fucking God of gymnastics and that's why your fucking girlfriend whom you took for fucking granted chose me over your good-for-nothing self!"

You were moved when Lance rapidly snatched your ex-boyfriend's shirt by the neck, his steele blue eyes entirely in rage, completely heated with anger because of how Y/BF'S/N was disrespecting you. Your heart stopped as you stared at the both of them having an intense staring competition.

You could see how Lance was panting hard and how startled your ex boyfriend was from how your coach snapped. "Leave, weed dick. I don't want you near my gym at all costs, if all you'll ever do is let a beautiful, precious woman cry her heart out, then you better leave. Out. NOW. "

Beautiful. Lance's words kept replaying inside your head even after he pushed your ex-boyfriend away towards the exit. He suddenly became nice and it was impossible.

You stood rooted on the ground, completely shook from the sudden plot twist that happened in your life. The loud bang of the door made you jump, and you saw how Lance marched towards you. A grimace shown in his attractive features. Once he stopped in arms reach, you were startled to feel his rough fingers wiping your hot tears away. "Stop," He nonchalantly uttered, ignoring your questioning eyes. "Stop crying for a useless asshole like him, he doesn't fucking deserve it,"

He placed his hands on his hips after wiping your tears away, scratching his neck as he glanced to see your eyes that needed answers from him. "What--Do you--" You started but ceased yourself to continue as you thought everything all out. You were about to open your mouth for the second time when his next words kept your mouth zipped.

"I meant it,"

You raised a brow at him. Sniffing your snot away. What did he mean that he meant it? Your asshole of a boyfriend broke up with you and now your coach says he meant it? Did he meant to call you beautiful? He's kidding.."I meant that he's a fucking limp dick, Y/N. Do you really think I'll fucking call you beautiful when you're giving me a headache because of being so uncoordinated?!" Lance saved himself from being misunderstood. Unless, he was lying. He was now crossing his bulgy arms, and repeatedly placing his hand back on his hips like he was acting fidgety.

"I wasn't even saying anything?" You spoke back, a small smile wanting to come out but you're fighting it back. Trying to appear serious in front of your bothered coach. "You're uncoordinated and fucking hard headed," Lance sternly muttered to himself, his scowl and eyebrows tightly cinched together. Finding out how those words slipped out of his dirty little tucker mouth. You could feel your hidden pride clapping inside of your brain as a smirk lifted your lips up in entertainment, "I'm uncoordinated and hard headed,"

Lance huffed to himself, eyebrows raising as he nodded so big. "Took you long enough to realize, Y/N!"

You lowly laughed to yourself, eyeing him up as he was towering over you. His perfume so aromatic that it could hypnotize you and maybe it did because you were starting not to think straight, "But that didn't stop you from staring at my ass the entire time,"

You stood on your tippy toes, trying to reach his ears and the look on his face was priceless. "I'm uncoordinated and so hard headed that you so wanted to fuck, Lance Tucker."

Y/N had the last laugh because she was right and for the first time, Lance the fucker tucker was speechless because everything she said was true and he couldn't believe it himself.

PLEASE DO REBLOG, COMMENT OR LIKE THIS POST! IF YOU WANT MORE, GO FOLLOW MY BLOG PROFILE! Thank you for reading, Tater tots! 

MY BLOG PROFILE

[blindrapture]

oh my god I fucking found it.

I wanted to find an easy way of reading Dante’s Inferno New Game Plus without having to boot up Frog Fractions 2 and go digging for it, so I opened up the game’s files and starting opening shit in notepad, and the first file I tried did indeed have it. All of it.

Some highlights:

‘You cannot hide or run from the Nacho Man, My arm is long and my eyes see into space; There is no nation that is not the Nacho Nation; Of all the world I am the savior, Pedal to the metal!  Everybody knows it! Oh yeah, let me tell you what I'll do; Through every city shall I will hunt her down, Until I have driven her back to Hell, Where some weaksauce demon let her loose. I know what's best and what is MACHO! Follow me buddy, and I will be your guide, We're going to have a real adventure. You're going to see some pretty gnarly stuff Some ancient ghosts and boogums that go woo, Maybe you'll be sad if you're a wuss; You'll also see some pretty happy folks They're happy mostly because I visit them, Everybody treasures a visit from the Nacho; If you want to go to heaven afterwords, To meet your ladyfriend or whatever; That's where we'll part ways I guess; Because that rightious dude who rules heaven, Has tasked me with bringing macho madness To those less fortunate, so I remain. Heaven is the most macho city of all; And until all are macho I must wait; This is my holy task, a righteous one.'

'Tell me, my Master, tell me, thou my Lord,' Began I, with desire of being certain Of that Faith which o'ercometh every error, 'Came any one by his own merit hence, Or by another's, who was blessed thereafter?' And he, who understood my covert speech, Replied: 'When I first got here, When from the sky a long-haired dude appeared, Almost as glorious as the Nacho Man himself. He grabbed some Bible dudes, I  think they were Abe and Abel and Noah's Ark but not Noah, I think Moses was there too?  It was rad. There were a bunch of others but honestly I can't be bothered to remember right now It really isn't important Past, present, future, It's the best there is. Ohhhh yeah. And then that guy left and never came back.’

I was bent downward, but my living eyes Could not attain the bottom, for the dark; Wherefore I: 'Master, see that thou arrive At the next round, and let us descend the wall; For as from hence I hear and understand not, So I look down and nothing I distinguish.' 'Don't talk,' he said, 'for a while, Seriously.  You fill the air with noise And not the type of madness that I love.'

Wherefore I said: 'Master, these torments here, Will they increase after the mighty sentence, Or lesser be, or will they be as burning?' And he to me: 'Man do I look like a prohpet? Whatever is gonig to happen is going to happen, And I have no way of knowing which is which. These folks are trapped here forever They can't get into heaven, so who cares? It's harsh, but that's how the chips fall.'

'Pape Satan, Pape Satan, Aleppe!' Thus Plutus with his clucking voice began; And that benignant Sage, who all things knew, Said, to encourage me: 'Don't wig out, We are too macho for this jive turkey, He can't stop us entering the danger zone.' Then he turned round unto that bloated lip, And said: 'Shut up you freakshow; Why not eat yourself for a change? We got a divine purpose, higher than Nachos; The big man upstairs sent us so beat it, We're soaring eagles, you are a slithering snake.'

Dante’s Inferno featuring Randy Savage, below the break.

I N F E R N O N E W  G A M E  P L U S >By Dante Alighieri !CANTO I. Midway upon the journey of our life I found myself within a forest dark, For the straightforward pathway had been lost. Ah me! how hard a thing it is to say What was this forest savage, rough, and stern, Which in the very thought renews the fear. So bitter is it, death is little more; But of the good to treat, which there I found, Speak will I of the other things I saw there. 10/I cannot well repeat how there I entered, So full was I of slumber at the moment In which I had abandoned the true way. But after I had reached a mountain's foot, At that point where the valley terminated, Which had with consternation pierced my heart, Upward I looked, and I beheld its shoulders, Vested already with that planet's rays Which leadeth others right by every road. Then was the fear a little quieted 20/That in my heart's lake had endured throughout The night, which I had passed so piteously. And even as he, who, with distressful breath, Forth issued from the sea upon the shore, Turns to the water perilous and gazes; So did my soul, that still was fleeing onward, Turn itself back to re-behold the pass Which never yet a living person left. After my weary body I had rested, The way resumed I on the desert slope, 30/So that the firm foot ever was the lower. And lo! almost where the ascent began, A panther light and swift exceedingly, Which with a spotted skin was covered o'er! And never moved she from before my face, Nay, rather did impede so much my way, That many times I to return had turned. The time was the beginning of the morning, And up the sun was mounting with those stars That with him were, what time the Love Divine 40/At first in motion set those beauteous things; So were to me occasion of good hope, The variegated skin of that wild beast, The hour of time, and the delicious season; But not so much, that did not give me fear A lion's aspect which appeared to me. He seemed as if against me he were coming With head uplifted, and with ravenous hunger, So that it seemed the air was afraid of him; And a she-wolf, that with all hungerings 50/Seemed to be laden in her meagreness, And many folk has caused to live forlorn! She brought upon me so much heaviness, With the affright that from her aspect came, That I the hope relinquished of the height. And as he is who willingly acquires, And the time comes that causes him to lose, Who weeps in all his thoughts and is despondent, E'en such made me that beast withouten peace, Which, coming on against me by degrees 60/Thrust me back thither where the sun is silent. While I was rushing downward to the lowland, Before mine eyes did one present himself, Who seemed from long-continued silence hoarse. When I beheld him in the desert vast, 'Have pity on me,' unto him I cried, 'Whiche'er thou art, or shade or real man!' He answered me: A man;  a macho man I am, And both my parents were of Ohio, And American by country both of them. 70/'Randy Poffo' was I born, though it was late, And lived at Columbus under the good Eisenhower, During the time of the war in Vietnam. An athlete was I, and I batted in the minors those red birds of Saint Louis, Cardinals, Before the Macho Man took to combat. But brother, why are you going back to such annoyance? Why aren't you heading up to heaven instead, Where all the good people always go?' 'Now, art thou that Macho Man and that fighter 80/To whom there is no limit but the sky?' I made response to him with bashful forehead. 'O, of the other wrestlers honour and light, Avail me the long study and great love That have impelled me to explore thy technique! Thou art my master, and my author thou, Thou art alone the one from whom I took The beautiful style that has done honour to me. Behold the beast, for which I have turned back; Do thou protect me from her, famous Sage, 90/For she doth make my veins and pulses tremble.' 'You should head to somewhere less grody,' Responded he, when he beheld me weeping, 'Unlike me, you cannot afford to look ridiculous; Because this beast, at which you are raging, Doesn't ever let anybody past her, She'll mess you up something wicked; She, like me, is a tower of power She is funky like a monkey and hungry too, And after food is hungrier than before. 100/Let me tell you something buddy, She may be strong but compared to her I'm stronger! She better watch out because I'm coming for her. You cannot hide or run from the Nacho Man, My arm is long and my eyes see into space; There is no nation that is not the Nacho Nation; Of all the world I am the savior, Pedal to the metal!  Everybody knows it! Oh yeah, let me tell you what I'll do; Through every city shall I will hunt her down, 110/Until I have driven her back to Hell, Where some weaksauce demon let her loose. I know what's best and what is MACHO! Follow me buddy, and I will be your guide, We're going to have a real adventure. You're going to see some pretty gnarly stuff Some ancient ghosts and boogums that go woo, Maybe you'll be sad if you're a wuss; You'll also see some pretty happy folks They're happy mostly because I visit them, 120/Everybody treasures a visit from the Nacho; If you want to go to heaven afterwords, To meet your ladyfriend or whatever; That's where we'll part ways I guess; Because that rightious dude who rules heaven, Has tasked me with bringing macho madness To those less fortunate, so I remain. Heaven is the most macho city of all; And until all are macho I must wait; This is my holy task, a righteous one.' 130/And I to him: 'Sir, I thee entreat, By that same God whom thou didst never know, So that I may escape this woe and worse, Thou wouldst conduct me there where thou hast said, That I may see the portal of Saint Peter, And those thou makest so disconsolate.' Then he moved on, and I behind him followed. !CANTO II. Day was departing, and the embrowned air Released the animals that are on earth From their fatigues; and I the only one Made myself ready to sustain the war, Both of the way and likewise of the woe, Which memory that errs not shall retrace. O Muses, O high genius, now assist me! O memory, that didst write down what I saw, Here thy nobility shall be manifest! 10/And I began: 'Poet, who guidest me, Regard my manhood, if it be sufficient, Ere to the arduous pass thou dost confide me. Thou sayest, that of Silvius the parent, While yet corruptible, unto the world Immortal went, and was there bodily. But if the adversary of all evil Was courteous, thinking of the high effect That issue would from him, and who, and what, To men of intellect unmeet it seems not; 20/For he was of great Rome, and of her empire In the empyreal heaven as father chosen; The which and what, wishing to speak the truth, Were stablished as the holy place, wherein Sits the successor of the greatest Peter. Upon this journey, whence thou givest him vaunt, Things did he hear, which the occasion were Both of his victory and the papal mantle. Thither went afterwards the Chosen Vessel, To bring back comfort thence unto that Faith, 30/Which of salvation's way is the beginning. But I, why thither come, or who concedes it? I not Aeneas am, I am not Paul, Nor I, nor others, think me worthy of it. Therefore, if I resign myself to come, I fear the coming may be ill-advised; Thou'rt wise, and knowest better than I speak.' And as he is, who unwills what he willed, And by new thoughts doth his intention change, So that from his design he quite withdraws, 40/Such I became, upon that dark hillside, Because, in thinking, I consumed the emprise, Which was so very prompt in the beginning. 'If the Macho Man catches your drift,' Replied that shade of the Champion, 'You're a giant coward baby whiner, And your lameness drags you down awful fierce, It makes you shake like a sad puppydog, Like some sort of weird lame animal thing. Nevertheless stick with the Macho Man 50/And I'll tell you why I'm here right now And why a champ like me would help you. I was pumping iron at the gym one day, When a hot lady ghost came up to me I cannot refuse a pretty lady. She had these killer eyes like wow; And her voice really revved my engine, Here's the madness that she spoke: 'O spirit courteous of Mantua, Of whom the fame still in the world endures, 60/And shall endure, long-lasting as the world; A friend of mine, and not the friend of fortune, Upon the desert slope is so impeded Upon his way, that he has turned through terror, And may, I fear, already be so lost, That I too late have risen to his succour, From that which I have heard of him in Heaven. Bestir thee now, and with thy speech ornate, And with what needful is for his release, Assist him so, that I may be consoled. 70/Beatrice am I, who do bid thee go; I come from there, where I would fain return; Love moved me, which compelleth me to speak. When I shall be in presence of my Lord, Full often will I praise thee unto him.' Then paused she, and thereafter I began: Beatrice, you're super hot I cannot resist. I'll do whatever you say. Nobody else in heaven is as rad as you. I'll happily do whatever you want 80/It's a pleasure to please a lady like you Consider your every desire fulfilled But could you do the Macho one favor It's a lot of work you've asked me to do, So if you could snap into a Slim Jim that'd be rad.' 'Since thou wouldst fain so inwardly discern, Briefly will I relate,' she answered me, 'Why I am not afraid to enter here. Of those things only should one be afraid Which have the power of doing others harm; 90/Of the rest, no; because they are not fearful. God in his mercy such created me That misery of yours attains me not, Nor any flame assails me of this burning. A gentle Lady is in Heaven, who grieves At this impediment, to which I send thee, So that stern judgment there above is broken. In her entreaty she besought Lucia, And said, 'Thy faithful one now stands in need Of thee, and unto thee I recommend him.' 100/Lucia, foe of all that cruel is, Hastened away, and came unto the place Where I was sitting with the ancient Rachel. 'Beatrice' said she, 'the true praise of God, Why succourest thou not him, who loved thee so, For thee he issued from the vulgar herd? Dost thou not hear the pity of his plaint? Dost thou not see the death that combats him Beside that flood, where ocean has no vaunt?' Never were persons in the world so swift 110/To work their weal and to escape their woe, As I, after such words as these were uttered, Came hither downward from my blessed seat, Confiding in thy dignified discourse, Which honours thee, and those who've listened to it.' After she said all that stuff, She was crying, my pecs left her in awe; So I left before I could further blow her mind; And so I found you like she wanted; I totally rocked that wild monster, 120/That was blocking your climb up the mountain. So why is it you're being so lame? What is holding back your Macho Spirit? Why aren't you as cool as I am? Given that three hot chicks are waiting They're in Heaven right now watching the clock, You can trust my word on that my friend.' Even as the flowerets, by nocturnal chill, Bowed down and closed, when the sun whitens them, Uplift themselves all open on their stems; 130/Such I became with my exhausted strength, And such good courage to my heart there coursed, That I began, like an intrepid person: 'O she compassionate, who succoured me, And courteous thou, who hast obeyed so soon The words of truth which she addressed to thee! Thou hast my heart so with desire disposed To the adventure, with these words of thine, That to my first intent I have returned. Now go, for one sole will is in us both, 140/Thou Leader, and thou Lord, and Master thou.' Thus said I to him; and when he had moved, I entered on the deep and savage way. !CANTO III. Through me the way is to the city dolent; Through me the way is to eternal dole; Through me the way among the people lost. Justice incited my sublime Creator; Created me divine Omnipotence, The highest Wisdom and the primal Love. Before me there were no created things, Only eterne, and I eternal last. All hope abandon, ye who enter in!' 10/These words in sombre colour I beheld Written upon the summit of a gate; Whence I: 'Their sense is, Master, hard to me!' And he to me, as one experienced: 'Just don't be suspicious, lil' macho, If you're scared then you'll never make it. We're coming up to a lame-ass place Full of bummed-out sad people Who honestly are not the smartest.' And after he had laid his hand on mine 20/With joyful mien, whence I was comforted, He led me in among the secret things. There sighs, complaints, and ululations loud Resounded through the air without a star, Whence I, at the beginning, wept thereat. Languages diverse, horrible dialects, Accents of anger, words of agony, And voices high and hoarse, with sound of hands, Made up a tumult that goes whirling on For ever in that air for ever black, 30/Even as the sand doth, when the whirlwind breathes. And I, who had my head with horror bound, Said:'Master, what is this which now I hear? What folk is this, which seems by pain so vanquished?' And he to me: 'The way they whine And complain about being in pain Teminds them that they're in pain.  It's weird. They're basically just Angels who were selfish I dunno, they didn't go for God or Satan Mostly they just cared about themselves. 40/They got kicked out of heaven But Hell sure as hell won't take them, So really they're like angel hobos.' And I: 'O Master, what so grievous is To these, that maketh them lament so sore?' He answered: 'Alright, well in a nutshell. They can't evr hope to die, Their life as is ain't funky enough, So they just envy everybody else. They have no reputation at all; 50/Good folks and bad both hate them. So gawk if you want, but lets keep rolling.' And I, who looked again, beheld a banner, Which, whirling round, ran on so rapidly, That of all pause it seemed to me indignant; And after it there came so long a train Of people, that I ne'er would have believed That ever Death so many had undone. When some among them I had recognised. I looked, and I beheld the shade of him 60/Who made through cowardice the great refusal. Forthwith I comprehended, and was certain, That this the sect was of the caitiff wretches Hateful to God and to his enemies. These miscreants, who never were alive, Were naked, and were stung exceedingly By gadflies and by hornets that were there. These did their faces irrigate with blood, Which, with their tears commingled, at their feet By the disgusting worms was gathered up. 70/And when to gazing farther I betook me. People I saw on a great river's bank; Whence said I: ' Master, now vouchsafe to me, That I may know who these are, and what law Makes them appear so ready to pass over, As I discern athwart the dusky light.' And he to me: 'Jesus Christ dude You ask so many, TOO many questions Once we get to the river you'll see.' Then with mine eyes ashamed and downward cast, 80/Fearing my words might irksome be to him, From speech refrained I till we reached the river. And lo! towards us coming in a boat An old man, hoary with the hair of eld, Crying: ' Woe unto you, ye souls depraved Hope nevermore to look upon the heavens; I come to lead you to the other shore, To the eternal shades in heat and frost. And thou, that yonder standest, living soul, Withdraw thee from these people, who are dead- 90/But when he saw that I did not withdraw, He said:'By other ways, by other ports Thou to the shore shalt come, not here, for,passage; A lighter vessel needs must carry thee.' And unto him the Guide:'Vex thee not, Charon; It is so willed there where is power to do That which is willed; and farther question not.' There at were quieted the fleecy cheeks Of him the ferryman of the livid fen, Who round about his eyes had wheels of flame. 100/But all those souls who weary were and naked Their colour changed and gnashed their teeth together, As soon as they had heard those cruel words. God they blasphemed and their progenitors, The human race, the place, the time, the seed Of their engendering and of their birth! Thereafter all together they drew back, Bitterly weeping, to the accursed shore, Which waiteth every man who fears not God. Charon the demon, with the eyes of glede, 110/Beckoning to them, collects them all together, Beats with his oar whoever lags behind. As in the autumn-time the leaves fall off, First one and then another, till the branch Unto the earth surrenders all its spoils; In similar wise the evil seed of Adam Throw themselves from that margin one by one, At signals, as a bird unto its lure. So they depart across the dusky wave, And ere upon the other side they land, 120/Again on this side a new troop assembles. 'My son,'the courteous Master said to me, 'All those who perish in the wrath of God Here meet together out of every land; And ready are they to pass o'er the river, Because celestial Justice spurs them on, So that their fear is turned into desire. This way there never passes a good soul; And hence if Charon doth complain of thee Well mayst thou know now what his speech imports.' 130/This being finished, all the dusk champaign Trembled so violently, that of that terror The recollection bathes me still with sweat. The land of tears gave forth a blast of wind, And fulminated a vermilion light, 'Which overmastered in me every sense, And as a man whom sleep hath seized I fell. !CANTO IV. Broke the deep lethargy within my head A heavy thunder, so that I upstarted, Like to a person who by force is wakened; And round about I moved my rested eyes, Uprisen erect, and steadfastly I gazed, To recognise the place wherein I was. True is it, that upon the verge I found me Of the abysmal valley dolorous, That gathers thunder of infinite ululations. 10/Obscure, profound it was, and nebulous, So that by fixing on its depths my sight Nothing whatever I discerned therein. 'We're in space, and space is the place,' Began the Champ, pallid utterly; 'The madness is running wild, and so shall you.' And I, who of his colour was aware, Said: 'How shall I come, if thou art afraid, Who'rt wont to be a comfort to my fears?' And he to me: 'Let me tell you now a man 20/of my position can afford to look ridiculous at any time. Now let's go, follow the Nacho Man.' Thus he went in, and thus he made me enter The foremost circle that surrounds the abyss. There, as it seemed to me from listening, Were lamentations none, but only sighs, That tremble made the everlasting air. And this arose from sorrow without torment, Which the crowds had, that many were and great, 30/Of infants and of women and of men. To me the Master good: 'Why don't you ask Who these dead dudes you're looking at are? Let me tell you about these chumps, They didn't do anything really wrong, But they could not snap into a Slim Jim Because the Slim Jim had not yet been discovered; And if they were before Sim Jims, In the right manner they adored not jerkey; They never knew the breakfast of champions. 40/As a result, they can't go to heaven, I am here as well, mostly to mock them For I did not share my Slim Jims.' Great grief seized on my heart when this I heard, Because some people of much worthiness I knew, who in that Limbo were suspended. 'Tell me, my Master, tell me, thou my Lord,' Began I, with desire of being certain Of that Faith which o'ercometh every error, 'Came any one by his own merit hence, 50/Or by another's, who was blessed thereafter?' And he, who understood my covert speech, Replied: 'When I first got here, When from the sky a long-haired dude appeared, Almost as glorious as the Nacho Man himself. He grabbed some Bible dudes, I  think they were Abe and Abel and Noah's Ark but not Noah, I think Moses was there too?  It was rad. There were a bunch of others but honestly I can't be bothered to remember right now 60/It really isn't important Past, present, future, It's the best there is. Ohhhh yeah. And then that guy left and never came back.’ We ceased not to advance because he spake, But still were passing onward through the forest, The forest, say I, of thick-crowded ghosts. Not very far as yet our way had gone This side the summit, when I saw a fire That overcame a hemisphere of darkness. 70/We were a little distant from it still, But not so far that I in part discerned not That honourable people held that place. 'O thou who honourest every art and science, Who may these be, which such great honour have, That from the fashion of the rest it parts them?' And he to me: 'The honourable name, That sounds of them above there in thy life, Wins grace in Heaven, that so advances them.' In the mean time a voice was heard by me: 80/'All honour be to the pre-eminent Poet; His shade returns again, that was departed.' After the voice had ceased and quiet was, Four mighty shades I saw approaching us; Semblance had they nor sorrowful nor glad. To say to me began my gracious Champion: 'This is a Dude named Dante, and you know me, The one for whom the sky is the limit. That one is Andre, Wrestler sovereign; Next to him is Bubba Rogers, the satirist; 90/The third is Roddy, and the last is Albano. I knew these guys when I was alive We fought and laughed and ate delicious nachos, And now we chill for all eternity' Thus I beheld assemble the fair school Of that lord of the song pre-eminent, Who o'er the others like an eagle soars. When they together had discoursed somewhat, They turned to me with signs of salutation, And on beholding this, my Master smiled; 100/And more of honour still, much more, they did me, In that they made me one of their own band; So that the sixth was I, 'mid so much wit. Thus we went on as far as to the light, Things saying 'tis becoming to keep silent, As was the saying of them where I was. We came unto a noble castle's foot, Seven times encompassed with lofty walls, Defended round by a fair rivulet; This we passed over even as firm ground; 110/Through portals seven I entered with these Sages; We came into a meadow of fresh verdure. People were there with solemn eyes and slow, Of great authority in their countenance; They spake but seldom, and with gentle voices. Thus we withdrew ourselves upon one side Into an opening luminous and lofty, So that they all of them were visible. There opposite, upon the green enamel, Were pointed out to me the mighty spirits, 120/Whom to have seen I feel myself exalted. I saw Sid Vicious with companions many, 'Mongst whom I knew both Nash and Wright, Rodman in armour with gerfalcon eyes; I saw Miss Madness and Madusa On the other side, and saw Bret Hart, Who with Pillman his buddy sat; I saw that The Butcher who drove Sting forth, And many others who I did not know, And saw alone, apart, The Repo Man. 130/When I had lifted up my brows a little, The Master I beheld of those who know, Sit with his slamtastic family. All gaze upon him, and all do him honour. There I beheld both Doink and Crush, Who nearer him before the others stand; Diesel, who puts the world on chance, Bart Gunn, Shawn Michaels, and Lex Luger, Razor Ramon, Mr. Perfect, and Albano; Of qualities I saw the good collector, 140/The Valiant Brothers; and Steele saw I, Bobo Brazil and Ladd, and The Famous Moolah, Snuka, Arnold Skaaland, and Rodz, Kowalski, Patterson, and Morales, Gorilla Monsoon, who the worst announcer made. I cannot all of them pourtray in full, Because so drives me onward the long theme, That many times the word comes short of fact. The sixfold company in two divides; Another way my sapient Guide conducts me 150/Forth from the quiet to the air that trembles; And to a place I come where nothing shines. !CANTO V. Thus I descended out of the first circle Down to the second, that less space begirds, And so much greater dole, that goads to wailing. There standeth Minos horribly, and snarls; Examines the transgressions at the entrance; Judges, and sends according as he girds him. I say, that when the spirit evil-born Cometh before him, wholly it confesses; And this discriminator of transgressions 10/Seeth what place in Hell is meet for it; Girds himself with his tail as many times As grades he wishes it should be thrust down. Always before him many of them stand; They go by turns each one unto the judgment; They speak, and hear, and then are downward hurled. 'O thou, that to this dolorous hostelry Comest,' said Minos to me, when he saw me, Leaving the practice of so great an office, 'Look how thou enterest, and in whom thou trustest; 20/Let not the portal's amplitude deceive thee.' And unto him my Guide: 'Why criest thou too? Do not impede his journey fate-ordained; It is so willed there where is power to do That which is willed; and ask no further question.' And now begin the dolesome notes to grow Audible unto me; now am I come There where much lamentation strikes upon me. I came into a place mute of all light, Which bellows as the sea does in a tempest, 30/If by opposing winds 't is combated. The infernal hurricane that never rests Hurtles the spirits onward in its rapine; Whirling them round, and smiting, it molests them. When they arrive before the precipice, There are the shrieks, the plaints, and the laments, There they blaspheme the puissance divine. I understood that unto such a torment The carnal malefactors were condemned, Who reason subjugate to appetite. 40/And as the wings of starlings bear them on In the cold season in large band and full, So doth that blast the spirits maledict; It hither, thither, downward, upward, drives them; No hope doth comfort them for evermore, Not of repose, but even of lesser pain. And as the cranes go chanting forth their lays, Making in air a long line of themselves, So saw I coming, uttering lamentations, Shadows borne onward by the aforesaid stress. 50/Whereupon said I: 'Master, who are those People, whom the black air so castigates?' 'Eh, you wouldn't know them really, They were not macho or rad,' then said he unto me, 'That lady was a real piece of work. She liked the men if you know what I mean She made all sex legal all the time, That way she could have all she liked. Her name is Semiramis, of Assyria And I'd like to _Syria_ her _Ass_ one day; 60/She was married to Ninus, a macho fellow. Over there is one you may know, She's hardcore, strapped asps to her tits; aka Cleopatra the voluptuous.' Helen I saw, for whom so many ruthless Seasons revolved; and saw the great Achilles, Who at the last hour combated with Love. Paris I saw, Tristan; and more than a thousand Shades did he name and point out with his finger, Whom Love had separated from our life. 70/After that I had listened to my Teacher, Naming the dames of eld and cavaliers, Pity prevailed, and I was nigh bewildered. And I began: 'O Poet, willingly Speak would I to those two, who go together, And seem upon the wind to be so light.' And, he to me: 'Cool your jets bro You can speak to them soon enough, soon enough They'll come to us looking for love.' Soon as the wind in our direction sways them, 80/My voice uplift I: 'O ye weary souls! Come speak to us, if no one interdicts it.' As turtle-doves, called onward by desire, With open and steady wings to the sweet nest Fly through the air by their volition borne, So came they from the band where Dido is, Approaching us athwart the air malign, So strong was the affectionate appeal. 'O living creature gracious and benignant, Who visiting goest through the purple air 90/Us, who have stained the world incarnadine, If were the King of the Universe our friend, We would pray unto him to give thee peace, Since thou hast pity on our woe perverse. Of what it pleases thee to hear and speak, That will we hear, and we will speak to you, While silent is the wind, as it is now. Sitteth the city, wherein I was born, Upon the sea-shore where the Po descends To rest in peace with all his retinue. 100/Love, that on gentle heart doth swiftly seize, Seized this man for the person beautiful That was ta'en from me, and still the mode offends me. Love, that exempts no one beloved from loving, Seized me with pleasure of this man so strongly, That, as thou seest, it doth not yet desert me; Love has conducted us unto one death; Caina waiteth him who quenched our life!' These words were borne along from them to us. As soon as I had heard those souls tormented, 110/I bowed my face, and so long held it down Until the Poet said to me: 'Whaddaya think?' When I made answer, I began: 'Alas! How many pleasant thoughts, how much desire, Conducted these unto the dolorous pass!' Then unto them I turned me, and I spake, And I began: 'Thine agonies, Francesca, Sad and compassionate to weeping make me. But tell me, at the time of those sweet sighs, By what and in what manner Love conceded, 120/That you should know your dubious desires?' And she to me: 'There is no greater sorrow Than to be mindful of the happy time In misery, and that thy Teacher knows. But, if to recognise the earliest root Of love in us thou hast so great desire, I will do even as he who weeps and speaks. One day we reading were for our delight Of Launcelot, how Love did him enthral. Alone we were and without any fear. 130/Full many a time our eyes together drew That reading, and drove the colour from our faces; But one point only was it that o'ercame us. When as we read of the much-longed-for smile Being by such a noble lover kissed, This one, who ne'er from me shall be divided, Kissed me upon the mouth all palpitating. Galeotto was the book and he who wrote it. That day no farther did we read therein.' And all the while one spirit uttered this, 140/The other one did weep so, that, for pity, I swooned away as if I had been dying, And fell, even as a dead body falls. !CANTO VI. At the return of consciousness, that closed Before the pity of those two relations, Which utterly with sadness had confused me, New torments I behold, and new tormented Around me, whichsoever way I move, And whichsoever way I turn, and gaze. In the third circle am I of the rain Eternal, maledict, and cold, and heavy; Its law and quality are never new. 10/Huge hail, and water sombre-hued, and snow, Athwart the tenebrous air pour down amain; Noisome the earth is, that receiveth this. Cerberus, monster cruel and uncouth, With his three gullets like a dog is barking Over the people that are there submerged. Red eyes he has, and unctuous beard and black, And belly large, and armed with claws his hands; He rends the spirits, flays, and quarters them. Howl the rain maketh them like unto dogs; 20/One side they make a shelter for the other; Oft turn themselves the wretched reprobates. When Cerberus perceived us, the great worm! His mouths he opened, and displayed his tusks; Not a limb had he that was motionless. And my Conductor, with his spans extended, Took of the earth, and with his fists well filled, He threw it into those rapacious gullets. Such as that dog is, who by barking craves, And quiet grows soon as his food he gnaws, 30/For to devour it he but thinks and struggles, The like became those muzzles filth-begrimed Of Cerberus the demon, who so thunders Over the souls that they would fain be deaf. We passed across the shadows, which subdues The heavy rain-storm, and we placed our feet Upon their vanity that person seems. They all were lying prone upon the earth, Excepting one, who sat upright as soon As he beheld us passing on before him. 40/'O thou that art conducted through this Hell,' He said to me, 'recall me, if thou canst; Thyself wast made before I was unmade.' And I to him: 'The anguish which thou hast Perhaps doth draw thee out of my remembrance, So that it seems not I have ever seen thee. But tell me who thou art, that in so doleful A place art put, and in such punishment, If some are greater, none is so displeasing.' And he to me: 'Thy city, which is full 50/Of envy so that now the sack runs over, Held me within it in the life serene. You citizens were wont to call me Ciacco; For the pernicious sin of gluttony I, as thou seest, am battered by this rain. And I, sad soul, am not the only one, For all these suffer the like penalty For the like sin;' and word no more spake he. I answered him: 'Ciacco, thy wretchedness Weighs on me so that it to weep invites me; 60/But tell me, if thou knowest, to what shall come The citizens of the divided city; If any there be just; and the occasion Tell me why so much discord has assailed it.' And he to me: 'They, after long contention, Will come to bloodshed; and the rustic party Will drive the other out with much offence. Then afterwards behoves it this one fall Within three suns, and rise again the other By force of him who now is on the coast. 70/High will it hold its forehead a long while, Keeping the other under heavy burdens, Howe'er it weeps thereat and is indignant. The just are two, and are not understood there; Envy and Arrogance and Avarice Are the three sparks that have all hearts enkindled.' Here ended he his tearful utterance; And I to him: 'I wish thee still to teach me, And make a gift to me of further speech. Farinata and Tegghiaio, once so worthy, 80/Jacopo Rusticucci, Arrigo, and Mosca, And others who on good deeds set their thoughts, Say where they are, and cause that I may know them; For great desire constraineth me to learn If Heaven doth sweeten them, or Hell envenom.' And he: 'They are among the blacker souls; A different sin downweighs them to the bottom; If thou so far descendest, thou canst see them. But when thou art again in the sweet world, I pray thee to the mind of others bring me; 90/No more I tell thee and no more I answer.' Then his straightforward eyes he turned askance, Eyed me a little, and then bowed his head; He fell therewith prone like the other blind. And the Guide said to me: 'He ain't getting up, Though apparently the bible says something about the end of days, so maybe then, I was never really much of a scholar, but I think it mentioned the dead rising, Or maybe that was just in Ghostbusters.' 100/So we passed onward o'er the filthy mixture Of shadows and of rain with footsteps slow, Touching a little on the future life. Wherefore I said: 'Master, these torments here, Will they increase after the mighty sentence, Or lesser be, or will they be as burning?' And he to me: 'Man do I look like a prohpet? Whatever is gonig to happen is going to happen, And I have no way of knowing which is which. These folks are trapped here forever 110/They can't get into heaven, so who cares? It's harsh, but that's how the chips fall.' Round in a circle by that road we went, Speaking much more, which I do not repeat; We came unto the point where the descent is; There we found Plutus the great enemy. !CANTO VII. 'Pape Satan, Pape Satan, Aleppe!' Thus Plutus with his clucking voice began; And that benignant Sage, who all things knew, Said, to encourage me: 'Don't wig out, We are too macho for this jive turkey, He can't stop us entering the danger zone.' Then he turned round unto that bloated lip, And said: 'Shut up you freakshow; Why not eat yourself for a change? 10/We got a divine purpose, higher than Nachos; The big man upstairs sent us so beat it, We're soaring eagles, you are a slithering snake.' Even as the sails inflated by the wind Involved together fall when snaps the mast, So fell the cruel monster to the earth. Thus we descended into the fourth chasm, Gaining still farther on the dolesome shore Which all the woe of the universe insacks. Justice of God, ah! who heaps up so many 20/New toils and sufferings as I beheld? And why doth our transgression waste us so? As doth the billow there upon Charybdis, That breaks itself on that which it encounters, So here the folk must dance their roundelay. Here saw I people, more than elsewhere, many, On one side and the other, with great howls, Rolling weights forward by main force of chest. They clashed together, and then at that point Each one turned backward, rolling retrograde, 30/Crying, 'Why keepest?' and, 'Why squanderest thou?' Thus they returned along the lurid circle On either hand unto the opposite point, Shouting their shameful metre evermore. Then each, when he arrived there, wheeled about Through his half-circle to another joust; And I, who had my heart pierced as it were, Exclaimed: 'My Master, now declare to me What people these are, and if all were clerks, These shaven crowns upon the left of us.' 40/And he to me: 'I'll be frank with you dog, These were the dudes who loved money And let's be clear, I love money too. But these guys loved money too much, And like, not so much in a kinky way either, But instead they would hurt people to get money. You might see some churchy folks here Maybe even a pope or two, and learn: Even a priest can be a huge dick.' And I: 'My Master, among such as these 50/I ought forsooth to recognise some few, Who were infected with these maladies.' And he to me: 'I dunno man, it's sort of dark; And their dim view of compassion while alive Makes their forms sort of blurry.  It's weird. So now they're stuck here forever; Or until Electronic Arts publishes Dante's Inferno And they get some cameos in World 4. I really have no sympathy, neither should you, They took from others so now their souls are taken; 60/There's not much else to say on that matter. Let me ask you a question buddy, What do you do with your money? Your wealth? Are you stingy with it, or do you help others? Just remember these guys, or maybe Jacob Marley, Yeah that's right, I know some Dickens Even literature can be Macho at times.' 'Master,' I said to him, 'now tell me also What is this Fortune which thou speakest of, That has the world's goods so within its clutches?' 70/And he to me: 'Look idiot, Are you not listening or just being dense? Let me tell you from the beginning, then. God made everything, obviously, He made the sky, and the sun, and the stars, He made the Macho Man and tasty Nachos, And distributed these Nachos to all creation; Like a generous dude at a soup kitchen Where instead of soup they serve Nachos, But then people wanted MORE NACHOS, 80/And would fight over their cheesy goodness, Warm globes dripping from chips. So people would fight wars over these things And that is greed, my macho-in-training, I was trying to be poetical, it's a metaphor. And you can't fight greed, because it's nature; Greed controls the government and church Money is what drives corruption. But hey, this is super depressing; Did you like films by a guy named Herzog? 90/I just the other day watched one. I'm not one in general for art flicks, They're just not my speed, but let me say, I learned an astounding amount about rubber. Also, are you hot?  It's pretty hot; I get that this is part of the eternal torment thing But you'd think that greed's domain would be cooler. Like, coins are made of metal, and cool to touch; But now I'm rambling, let us press forward I... I just was getting a little bored.' 100/We crossed the circle to the other bank, Near to a fount that boils, and pours itself Along a gully that runs out of it. The water was more sombre far than perse; And we, in company with the dusky waves, Made entrance downward by a path uncouth. A marsh it makes, which has the name of Styx, This tristful brooklet, when it has descended Down to the foot of the malign gray shores. And I, who stood intent upon beholding, 110/Saw people mud-besprent in that lagoon, All of them naked and with angry look. They smote each other not alone with hands, But with the head and with the breast and feet, Tearing each other piecemeal with their teeth. Said the good Master: 'What you're looking at Is those folks who were consumed with anger; REAL anger, not like we pretend in the ring Their anger is so blazing hot that even now It makes the very water down there bubble. 120/They writhe and spin and boil themselves. In this jacuzzi, they whine about their lot They can't take the heat, and unfortunately, They are not allowed to get out of the kitchen; So they sing a sad song. I don't know all the words, but it boils down to, 'Boy it's hot and we are sad, so sad, so sad.'' Thus we went circling round the filthy fen A great arc 'twixt the dry bank and the swamp, With eyes turned unto those who gorge the mire; 130/Unto the foot of a tower we came at last. !CANTO VIII. I say, continuing, that long before We to the foot of that high tower had come, Our eyes went upward to the summit of it, By reason of two flamelets we saw placed there, And from afar another answer them, So far, that hardly could the eye attain it. And, to the sea of all discernment turned, I said: 'What sayeth this, and what respondeth That other fire? and who are they that made it?' 10/And he to me: 'If you look out over the waves I figure you'll see what's going on If the view is clear, in any case.' Cord never shot an arrow from itself That sped away athwart the air so swift, As I beheld a very little boat Come o'er the water tow'rds us at that moment, Under the guidance of a single pilot, Who shouted, 'Now art thou arrived, fell soul?' 'Phlegyas, Phlegyas, thou criest out in vain 20/For this once,' said my Lord; 'thou shalt not have us Longer than in the passing of the slough.' As he who listens to some great deceit That has been done to him, and then resents it, Such became Phlegyas, in his gathered wrath. My Guide descended down into the boat, And then he made me enter after him, And only when I entered seemed it laden. Soon as the Guide and I were in the boat, The antique prow goes on its way, dividing 30/More of the water than 'tis wont with others. While we were running through the dead canal, Uprose in front of me one full of mire, And said, 'Who 'rt thou that comest ere the hour?' And I to him: 'Although I come, I stay not; But who art thou that hast become so squalid?' 'Thou seest that I am one who weeps,' he answered. And I to him: 'With weeping and with wailing, Thou spirit maledict, do thou remain; For thee I know, though thou art all defiled.' 40/Then stretched he both his hands unto the boat; Whereat my wary Master thrust him back, Saying, 'You stay in your place or I will end you.' Thereafter with his arms he clasped my neck; He kissed my face, and said: 'Disdainful soul, Blessed be she who bore thee in her bosom. That was an arrogant person in the world; Goodness is none, that decks his memory; So likewise here his shade is furious. How many are esteemed great kings up there, 50/Who here shall be like unto swine in mire, Leaving behind them horrible dispraises!' And I: 'My Master, much should I be pleased, If I could see him soused into this broth, Before we issue forth out of the lake.' And he to me: 'Just be patient man, We'll get there soon enough, you're like a child; Asking 'are we there yet' from the backseat.' A little after that, I saw such havoc Made of him by the people of the mire, 60/That still I praise and thank my God for it. They all were shouting, 'At Philippo Argenti!' And that exasperate spirit Florentine Turned round upon himself with his own teeth. We left him there, and more of him I tell not; But on mine ears there smote a lamentation, Whence forward I intent unbar mine eyes. And the good Master said: 'See that place? Dis city here is called Dis, get me? The people who live there are not macho.' 70/And I: 'Its mosques already, Master, clearly Within there in the valley I discern Vermilion, as if issuing from the fire They were.'  And he to me: 'You're in Hell, And given that Hell is both full of and on fire, That red stuff you see is... fire, idiot.' Then we arrived within the moats profound, That circumvallate that disconsolate city; The walls appeared to me to be of iron. Not without making first a circuit wide, 80/We came unto a place where loud the pilot Cried out to us, 'Debark, here is the entrance.' More than a thousand at the gates I saw Out of the Heavens rained down, who angrily Were saying, 'Who is this that without death Goes through the kingdom of the people dead?' And my sagacious Master made a sign Of wishing secretly to speak with them. A little then they quelled their great disdain, And said: 'Come thou alone, and he begone 90/Who has so boldly entered these dominions. Let him return alone by his mad road; Try, if he can; for thou shalt here remain, Who hast escorted him through such dark regions.' Think, Reader, if I was discomforted At utterance of the accursed words; For never to return here I believed. 'O my dear Guide, who more than seven times Hast rendered me security, and drawn me From imminent peril that before me stood, 100/Do not desert me,' said I, 'thus undone; And if the going farther be denied us, Let us retrace our steps together swiftly.' And that Lord, who had led me thitherward, Said unto me: 'Don't worry, I got you. God sent us so they can't refuse us. So just sit tight, watch the Macho Magic, Take a load off those barking dogs; I won't abandon you even if you're annoying.' So onward goes and there abandons me 110/My Father sweet, and I remain in doubt, For No and Yes within my head contend. I could not hear what he proposed to them; But with them there he did not linger long, Ere each within in rivalry ran back. They closed the portals, those our adversaries, On my Lord's breast, who had remained without And turned to me with footsteps far between. His eyes cast down, his forehead shorn had he Of all its boldness, and he said, with sighs, 120/'Who is it that has refused to let us in?' And unto me: 'I'm really angry now, But don't worry, I can still handle this, Their defenses are basically worthless. They're just acting tough, but it's no use; There's more than one way to skin a cat, And more than one way to enter into Dis. Look around for a stick, or maybe a bomb; We're going to knock these walls down, And march over the corpses of these demons, 130/That is how the city shall be opened.' !CANTO IX. That hue which cowardice brought out on me, Beholding my Conductor backward turn, Sooner repressed within him his new colour. He stopped attentive, like a man who listens, Because the eye could not conduct him far Through the black air, and through the heavy fog. 'We probably should win this fight,' Began he; 'or else, uh. . . Let's just not think about that!' 10/Well I perceived, as soon as the beginning He covered up with what came afterward, That they were words quite different from the first; But none the less his saying gave me fear, Because I carried out the broken phrase, Perhaps to a worse meaning than he had. 'Into this bottom of the doleful conch Doth any e'er descend from the first grade, Which for its pain has only hope cut off?' This question put I; and he answered me: 20/'Nobody really comes this way, So honestly it's really hard to say. A while back I was summoned here By some shitty wizard named Eric, Who necromancy'd me against my will. Though I hadn't been dead for very long, He sent me on a bogus quest for nachos, literal nachos, not some catchphrase joke; Down there into the lowest circle of all, The furthest from heaven you can get. 30/Anyway, that's where we're going. The swamp that we're in now, Is entirely surrounding the city, Remember, the one we can't get into.' And more he said, but not in mind I have it; Because mine eye had altogether drawn me Tow'rds the high tower with the red-flaming summit, Where in a moment saw I swift uprisen The three infernal Furies stained with blood, Who had the limbs of women and their mien, 40/And with the greenest hydras were begirt; Small serpents and cerastes were their tresses, Wherewith their horrid temples were entwined. And he who well the handmaids of the Queen Of everlasting lamentation knew, Said unto me: 'Check out those bird-ladies. On the left is one named Ozzy; On the right we have one named Flea; And in the middle Slash;' and then was silent. Each one her breast was rending with her nails; 50/They beat them with their palms, and cried so loud, That I for dread pressed close unto the Poet. 'Medusa come, so we to stone will change him!' All shouted looking down; 'in evil hour Avenged we not on Theseus his assault!' 'Oh yeah, you know about Medusa right? Just close your eyes, bumble around blindly, Because if you see her it's game over, man.' Thus said the Master; and he turned me round Himself, and trusted not unto my hands 60/So far as not to blind me with his own. O ye who have undistempered intellects, Observe the doctrine that conceals itself Beneath the veil of the mysterious verses! And now there came across the turbid waves The clangour of a sound with terror fraught, Because of which both of the margins trembled; Not otherwise it was than of a wind Impetuous on account of adverse heats, That smites the forest, and, without restraint, 70/The branches rends, beats down, and bears away; Right onward, laden with dust, it goes superb, And puts to flight the wild beasts and the shepherds. Mine eyes he loosed, and said: 'Yo, look over there that foamy bit down the river can you see? Over there where it's super smokey.' Even as the frogs before the hostile serpent Across the water scatter all abroad, Until each one is huddled in the earth. More than a thousand ruined souls I saw, 80/Thus fleeing from before one who on foot Was passing o'er the Styx with soles unwet. From off his face he fanned that unctuous air, Waving his left hand oft in front of him, And only with that anguish seemed he weary. Well I perceived one sent from Heaven was he, And to the Master turned; and he made sign That I should quiet stand, and bow before him. Ah! how disdainful he appeared to me! He reached the gate, and with a little rod 90/He opened it, for there was no resistance. 'Hey all you hated people who couldn't get into heaven!' Thus he began upon the horrid threshold; 'What makes you act so arrogant? Don't you know you should be humble, Isn't bad behavior what placed you here? Don't you ever learn that being bad is bad? You know that struggling is pointless right? It's literally impossible to escape from Hell, So why not chill, shoot some hoops or something?' 100/Then he returned along the miry road, And spake no word to us, but had the look Of one whom other care constrains and goads Than that of him who in his presence is; And we our feet directed tow'rds the city, After those holy words all confident. Within we entered without any contest; And I, who inclination had to see What the condition such a fortress holds, Soon as I was within, cast round mine eye, 110/And see on every hand an ample plain, Full of distress and torment terrible. Even as at Arles, where stagnant grows the Rhone, Even as at Pola near to the Quarnaro, That shuts in Italy and bathes its borders, The sepulchres make all the place uneven; So likewise did they there on every side, Saving that there the manner was more bitter; For flames between the sepulchres were scattered, By which they so intensely heated were, 120/That iron more so asks not any art. All of their coverings uplifted were, And from them issued forth such dire laments, Sooth seemed they of the wretched and tormented. And I: 'My Master, what are all those people Who, having sepulture within those tombs, Make themselves audible by doleful sighs?' And he to me: 'Those are the Heresiarchs, And their disciples, dressed in pink. A bunch more are napping in the crypts. 130/A lot of folks here spent their time sleeping; It's awfully hot and it helps to pass the time.' And when he to the right had turned, we passed Between the torments and high parapets. !CANTO X. Now onward goes, along a narrow path Between the torments and the city wall, My Master, and I follow at his back. 'O power supreme, that through these impious circles Turnest me,' I began, 'as pleases thee, Speak to me, and my longings satisfy; The people who are lying in these tombs, Might they be seen? already are uplifted The covers all, and no one keepeth guard.' 10/And he to me: 'Everything will close. Remember the Book of Revelations? The dead are going to rise someday. The seas will churn, and turn to blood Like some heavy metal album cover, There's a dragon too, it's awesome; But as for your question right now, You'll see the answer soon enough, And wish you hadn't asked at all.' And I: 'Good Leader, I but keep concealed 20/From thee my heart, that I may speak the less, Nor only now hast thou thereto disposed me.' 'Buddy, we went through a flaming city. You made it through alive, no mean feat. So chill a bit, and see what is coming up. I can tell by the way that you talk That you and I share a fatherland, and maybe I've razzed you a bit too much.' Upon a sudden issued forth this sound From out one of the tombs; wherefore I pressed, 30/Fearing, a little nearer to my Leader. And unto me he said: 'What are you doing? Look over there at Farinata the zombie; Sticking out from the waist up.' I had already fixed mine eyes on his, And he uprose erect with breast and front E'en as if Hell he had in great despite. And with courageous hands and prompt my Leader Thrust me between the sepulchres towards him, Exclaiming, 'Go talk to him dude!' 40/As soon as I was at the foot of his tomb Somewhat he eyed me, and, as if disdainful, Then asked of me, 'Who were thine ancestors?' I, who desirous of obeying was, Concealed it not, but all revealed to him; Whereat he raised his brows a little upward. Then said he: 'Fiercely adverse have they been To me, and to my fathers, and my party; So that two several times I scattered them.' 'If they were banished, they returned on all sides,' 50/I answered him, 'the first time and the second; But yours have not acquired that art aright.' Then there uprose upon the sight, uncovered Down to the chin, a shadow at his side; I think that he had risen on his knees. Round me he gazed, as if solicitude He had to see if some one else were with me, But after his suspicion was all spent, Weeping, he said to me: 'If through this blind Prison thou goest by loftiness of genius, 60/Where is my son? and why is he not with thee?' And I to him: 'I come not of myself; He who is waiting yonder leads me here, Whom in disdain perhaps your Guido had.' His language and the mode of punishment Already unto me had read his name; On that account my answer was so full. Up starting suddenly, he cried out: 'How Saidst thou,--he had?  Is he not still alive? Does not the sweet light strike upon his eyes?' 70/When he became aware of some delay, Which I before my answer made, supine He fell again, and forth appeared no more. But the other, magnanimous, at whose desire I had remained, did not his aspect change, Neither his neck he moved, nor bent his side. 'And if,' continuing his first discourse, 'They have that art,' he said, 'not learned aright, That more tormenteth me, than doth this bed. But fifty times shall not rekindled be 80/The countenance of the Lady who reigns here, Ere thou shalt know how heavy is that art; And as thou wouldst to the sweet world return, Say why that people is so pitiless Against my race in each one of its laws?' Whence I to him: 'The slaughter and great carnage Which have with crimson stained the Arbia, cause Such orisons in our temple to be made.' After his head he with a sigh had shaken, 'There I was not alone,' he said, 'nor surely 90/Without a cause had with the others moved. But there I was alone, where every one Consented to the laying waste of Florence, He who defended her with open face.' 'Ah! so hereafter may your seed repose,' I him entreated, 'solve for me that knot, Which has entangled my conceptions here. It seems that you can see, if I hear rightly, Beforehand whatsoe'er time brings with it, And in the present have another mode.' 100/'We see, like those who have imperfect sight, The things,' he said, 'that distant are from us; So much still shines on us the Sovereign Ruler. When they draw near, or are, is wholly vain Our intellect, and if none brings it to us, Not anything know we of your human state. Hence thou canst understand, that wholly dead Will be our knowledge from the moment when The portal of the future shall be closed.' Then I, as if compunctious for my fault, 110/Said: 'Now, then, you will tell that fallen one, That still his son is with the living joined. And if just now, in answering, I was dumb, Tell him I did it because I was thinking Already of the error you have solved me.' And now my Master was recalling me, Wherefore more eagerly I prayed the spirit That he would tell me who was with him there. He said: 'With more than a thousand here I lie; Within here is the second Frederick, 120/And the Cardinal, and of the rest I speak not.' Thereon he hid himself; and I towards The ancient poet turned my steps, reflecting Upon that saying, which seemed hostile to me. He moved along; and afterward thus going, He said to me, 'Why are you confused?' And I in his inquiry satisfied him. 'Let your experience here help you, against yourself,' that Sage commanded me, 'And now listen up;' and he raised his finger. 130/'When we finally reach your hot mama That lady so fine that the angels swoon, From her you'll learn all about your own life.' Unto the left hand then he turned his feet; We left the wall, and went towards the middle, Along a path that strikes into a valley, Which even up there unpleasant made its stench. !CANTO XI. Upon the margin of a lofty bank Which great rocks broken in a circle made, We came upon a still more cruel throng; And there, by reason of the horrible Excess of stench the deep abyss throws out, We drew ourselves aside behind the cover Of a great tomb, whereon I saw a writing, Which said: 'Pope Anastasius I hold, Whom out of the right way Photinus drew.' 10/'Now's the time to take it slow, It's not very macho, but so it goes Otherwise we may fall and look silly.' The Master thus; and unto him I said, 'Some compensation find, that the time pass not Idly;' and he: 'You really know nothing. Check out these rocks here, they're gnarly,' Began he then to say, 'inside are three small circles, Sort of like the circles that we're leaving now. They're full of damned souls of course; 20/And soon enough you'll see for youself, And hear their super annoying LAME-O whining. They've done basically every bad thing, You name it and they've done it probably, They lie and cheat and steal and sing. The ones up here in particular are the liars, Only humans lie so God hates liars the most, It's one of the least macho things you can do. The first circle was the violent of course; But lots of creatures can hit a dude, 30/Heck even I, the Nacho Man, have done so. And God himself uses force on stuff, Smiting a particularly sinful tree, Hurling a lightning bolt and a crab. You can die by violence, or kill, Or do all sorts of gnarly things to a guy Ruin, and arson, and straight-up punching; Homicide, patricide, fratricide, and so forth, Marauders, and freebooters, everything, They're all condemned to one circle or another. 40/Heck you can even inflict violence on yourself In more ways than one if you know what I mean And that might get you punished as well Basically never lay a hand on anybody Without their consent, or permission, Otherwise maybe you'll burn forever. Violence can even be done to God, Saying rude stuff about him, calling names, Littering or messing up nature. In fact, by some measure it can be said 50/Literally any action is violent to somebody, But liars do violence with words alone. That is why those who commit fraud, Those who decieve and hoodwink others, Are probably folks you should not trust. They have cut themselves off from the macho, Nature abhors their cunning ways. The second circle is similar of course, Hypocrisy, flattery, and sweet wizards, Falsification, theft, and puppyhaters, 60/Panders, and barrators, and the like filth. They've forgotten things to love in life, Nature's bounty, a plate of nachos, All good things from which rad feelings flow. But it is in this circle, the smallest part Of the Universe, where Dis is located, That the betrayers and backstabbers are.' And I: 'My Master, clear enough proceeds Thy reasoning, and full well distinguishes This cavern and the people who possess it. 70/But tell me, those within the fat lagoon, Whom the wind drives, and whom the rain doth beat, And who encounter with such bitter tongues, Wherefore are they inside of the red city Not punished, if God has them in his wrath, And if he has not, wherefore in such fashion?' And unto me he said: 'Come on bro, Why do you keep asking these things? Were you not listening to me at all? Don't you have any memory whatsoever 80/Of all the unethical things that exist and which heaven itself hold as uncool?-- Incontinence, and Malice, and insane Bestiality? and how Incontinence Makes you smell bad, and makes a big mess? If you think about it for a second, And remember who are trapped in this place Those doing penance for their misdeeds, Surely you'll understand why they're apart Why their sentences are slightly less painful 90/How Justice has seen to show a bit of mercy.' 'Praise the sun!  For it shines upon those, Whom you claim to be confused by, no doubt Having not even bothered to look behind us! Once more a little backward turn thee,' said I, 'There where thou sayest that usury offends Goodness divine, and disengage the knot.' 'Think about it,' he said, 'Use your head, Consider the ways in which one might sin, And how Nature might deal with you, 100/There are a few types of sins; Did you ever have physics in school, And looking through a lame-o textbook, Determine that everything you knew Was total bogus, entirely worthless; Such that you just dropped the class? Try and stir up that feeling Only think about, I dunno, Eden, The sort of sins that were commited; And whether or not blame is assigned, 110/Or maybe like, read Paradise Lost? It's written a few centuries after you die. Anyway, we don't have all day, We don't need to move slowly anymore, So let's pick up the pace a bit, yes? Let's do a sweet trick off this crag here.' !CANTO XII. The place where to descend the bank we came Was alpine, and from what was there, moreover, Of such a kind that every eye would shun it. Such as that ruin is which in the flank Smote, on this side of Trent, the Adige, Either by earthquake or by failing stay, For from the mountain's top, from which it moved, Unto the plain the cliff is shattered so, Some path 'twould give to him who was above; 10/Even such was the descent of that ravine, And on the border of the broken chasm The infamy of Crete was stretched along, Who was conceived in the fictitious cow; And when he us beheld, he bit himself, Even as one whom anger racks within. My Sage towards him shouted: 'Is it possible That you think the Duke of Athens is here, Who killed you right good long ago? Get your ugly self out of here, loser. 20/Else I say something rude about your sister And then I'll point and laugh at you.' As is that bull who breaks loose at the moment In which he has received the mortal blow, Who cannot walk, but staggers here and there, The Minotaur beheld I do the like; And he, the wary, cried: 'Run to the passage; While he wroth, 'tis well thou shouldst descend.' Thus down we took our way o'er that discharge Of stones, which oftentimes did move themselves 30/Beneath my feet, from the unwonted burden. Thoughtful I went; and he said: 'You're thinking About how I totally owned that stupid bullman And how he ran crying before my machoness. Let me tell you this: the last time I came through this part of Hell, This bit hadn't collapsed yet. And I saw the minotaur dressed up nicely Leaving his day job in Dis, coming home Ready to spend the evening with his family, 40/And I thought maybe he's just like us Just doing his day job being an evil demon And comes home to a loving household at night But then I realize no that's stupid; He's a crazy bullman with doofy cow horns And basically nothing makes that not awful. Anyway, look at that sweet river down there, It's a river of blood! Super macho! The folks swimming in it hurt other people.' O blind cupidity, O wrath insane, 50/That spurs us onward so in our short life, And in the eternal then so badly steeps us! I saw an ample moat bent like a bow, As one which all the plain encompasses, Conformable to what my Guide had said. And between this and the embankment's foot Centaurs in file were running, armed with arrows, As in the world they used the chase to follow. Beholding us descend, each one stood still, And from the squadron three detached themselves, 60/With bows and arrows in advance selected; And from afar one cried: 'Unto what torment Come ye, who down the hillside are descending? Tell us from there; if not, I draw the bow.' My Master said: 'We ain't telling you nothin' We talk to Chrion and nobody but him. Cry about if if you can't handle it.' Then touched he me, and said: 'That guy is Nessus, Who died for the lovely Dejanira, And took some really gnarly revenge. 70/And over there through the blood-mist, You can see Chiron; who trained Achilles And Pholus who is known for his bad temper. Thousands of demons stand around the river Any time a soul tries to escape the blood They plug him full of arrows! Ka-pow! Wham!' Near we approached unto those monsters fleet; Chiron an arrow took, and with the notch Backward upon his jaws he put his beard. After he had uncovered his great mouth, 80/He said to his companions: 'Are you ware That he behind moveth whate'er he touches? Thus are not wont to do the feet of dead men.' And my good Guide, who now was at his breast, Where the two natures are together joined, Replied: 'He's alive, it is true And it is my job to take him through Hell. This is no pleasure cruise let me tell you. We're on a mission from God, as it were, I've got this task direct rom upstairs; 90/So we're just going to keep on rolling. But while I have your attention, let me ask Given the macho nature of our mission, And the fact that we have to get through, Could you lend us one of your centaurs, Who can let us ride on his back; This guy isn't a ghost and can't float.' Upon his right breast Chiron wheeled about, And said to Nessus: 'Turn and do thou guide them, And warn aside, if other band may meet you.' 100/We with our faithful escort onward moved Along the brink of the vermilion boiling, Wherein the boiled were uttering loud laments. People I saw within up to the eyebrows, And the great Centaur said: 'Tyrants are these, Who dealt in bloodshed and in pillaging. Here they lament their pitiless mischiefs; here Is Alexander, and fierce Dionysius Who upon Sicily brought dolorous years. That forehead there which has the hair so black 110/Is Azzolin; and the other who is blond, Obizzo is of Esti, who, in truth, Up in the world was by his stepson slain.' Then turned I to the Poet; and he said, 'I have no idea what any of that meant.' A little farther on the Centaur stopped Above a folk, who far down as the throat Seemed from that boiling stream to issue forth. A shade he showed us on one side alone, Saying: 'He cleft asunder in God's bosom 120/The heart that still upon the Thames is honoured.' Then people saw I, who from out the river Lifted their heads and also all the chest; And many among these I recognised. Thus ever more and more grew shallower That blood, so that the feet alone it covered; And there across the moat our passage was. 'Even as thou here upon this side beholdest The boiling stream, that aye diminishes,' The Centaur said, 'I wish thee to believe 130/That on this other more and more declines Its bed, until it reunites itself Where it behoveth tyranny to groan. Justice divine, upon this side, is goading That Attila, who was a scourge on earth, And Pyrrhus, and Sextus; and for ever milks The tears which with the boiling it unseals In Rinier da Corneto and Rinier Pazzo, Who made upon the highways so much war.' Then back he turned, and passed again the ford. !CANTO XIII. Not yet had Nessus reached the other side, When we had put ourselves within a wood, That was not marked by any path whatever. Not foliage green, but of a dusky colour, Not branches smooth, but gnarled and intertangled, Not apple-trees were there, but thorns with poison. Such tangled thickets have not, nor so dense, Those savage wild beasts, that in hatred hold 'Twixt Cecina and Corneto the tilled places. 10/There do the hideous Harpies make their nests, Who chased the Trojans from the Strophades, With sad announcement of impending doom; Broad wings have they, and necks and faces human, And feet with claws, and their great bellies fledged; They make laments upon the wondrous trees. And the good Master: 'Before we go further, I want to let you know we're in the second round,' Thus he began to say, 'and will be, until We get to the Beach of Gross Sand Crud; 20/As we go, look to your sides and you'll see The proof, if you doubt my macho words.' I heard on all sides lamentations uttered, And person none beheld I who might make them, Whence, utterly bewildered, I stood still. I think he thought that I perhaps might think So many voices issued through those trunks From people who concealed themselves from us; Therefore the Master said: 'Why not break off A little bit of a tree to satisfy yourself? 30/Plants don't feel pain, right?  Probably.' Then stretched I forth my hand a little forward, And plucked a branchlet off from a great thorn; And the trunk cried, 'Why dost thou mangle me?' After it had become embrowned with blood, It recommenced its cry: 'Why dost thou rend me? Hast thou no spirit of pity whatsoever? Men once we were, and now are changed to trees; Indeed, thy hand should be more pitiful, Even if the souls of serpents we had been.' 40/As out of a green brand, that is on fire At one of the ends, and from the other drips And hisses with the wind that is escaping; So from that splinter issued forth together Both words and blood; whereat I let the tip Fall, and stood like a man who is afraid. 'Oh man, you fell for it, what a dope!' My Sage made answer, 'Hey tree buddy, This joker has no idea where he is, And so I decided to prank him at your expense; 50/Sorry 'bout that, but it was SO MACHO! Why don't you tell him who you are? That way when he leaves for the living world, Maybe he can tell your ex-wife or something That he saw you here, and she'll laugh.' And the trunk said: 'So thy sweet words allure me, I cannot silent be; and you be vexed not, That I a little to discourse am tempted. I am the one who both keys had in keeping Of Frederick's heart, and turned them to and fro 60/So softly in unlocking and in locking, That from his secrets most men I withheld; Fidelity I bore the glorious office So great, I lost thereby my sleep and pulses. The courtesan who never from the dwelling Of Caesar turned aside her strumpet eyes, Death universal and the vice of courts, Inflamed against me all the other minds, And they, inflamed, did so inflame Augustus, That my glad honours turned to dismal mournings. 70/My spirit, in disdainful exultation, Thinking by dying to escape disdain, Made me unjust against myself, the just. I, by the roots unwonted of this wood, Do swear to you that never broke I faith Unto my lord, who was so worthy of honour; And to the world if one of you return, Let him my memory comfort, which is lying Still prostrate from the blow that envy dealt it.' Waited awhile, and then: 'If you want to know more,' 80/The Poet said to me, 'don't waste time, We don't have all day so ask him now.' Whence I to him: 'Do thou again inquire Concerning what thou thinks't will satisfy me; For I cannot, such pity is in my heart.' Therefore he recommenced: 'So may the man Do for thee freely what thy speech implores, Spirit incarcerate, again be pleased To tell us in what way the soul is bound Within these knots; and tell us, if thou canst, 90/If any from such members e'er is freed.' Then blew the trunk amain, and afterward The wind was into such a voice converted: 'With brevity shall be replied to you. When the exasperated soul abandons The body whence it rent itself away, Minos consigns it to the seventh abyss. It falls into the forest, and no part Is chosen for it; but where Fortune hurls it, There like a grain of spelt it germinates. 100/It springs a sapling, and a forest tree; The Harpies, feeding then upon its leaves, Do pain create, and for the pain an outlet. Like others for our spoils shall we return; But not that any one may them revest, For 'tis not just to have what one casts off. Here we shall drag them, and along the dismal Forest our bodies shall suspended be, Each to the thorn of his molested shade.' We were attentive still unto the trunk, 110/Thinking that more it yet might wish to tell us, When by a tumult we were overtaken, In the same way as he is who perceives The boar and chase approaching to his stand, Who hears the crashing of the beasts and branches; And two behold! upon our left-hand side, Naked and scratched, fleeing so furiously, That of the forest, every fan they broke. He who was in advance: 'Now help, Death, help!' And the other one, who seemed to lag too much, 120/Was shouting: 'Lano, were not so alert Those legs of thine at joustings of the Toppo!' And then, perchance because his breath was failing, He grouped himself together with a bush. Behind them was the forest full of black She-mastiffs, ravenous, and swift of foot As greyhounds, who are issuing from the chain. On him who had crouched down they set their teeth, And him they lacerated piece by piece, Thereafter bore away those aching members. 130/Thereat my Escort took me by the hand, And led me to the bush, that all in vain Was weeping from its bloody lacerations. 'O Jacopo,' it said, 'of Sant' Andrea, What helped it thee of me to make a screen? What blame have I in thy nefarious life?' When near him had the Master stayed his steps, He said: 'Hey Bush Buddy, tell us a story What was your life like?  We're curious.' And he to us: 'O souls, that hither come 140/To look upon the shameful massacre That has so rent away from me my leaves, Gather them up beneath the dismal bush; I of that city was which to the Baptist Changed its first patron, wherefore he for this Forever with his art will make it sad. And were it not that on the pass of Arno Some glimpses of him are remaining still, Those citizens, who afterwards rebuilt it Upon the ashes left by Attila, 150/In vain had caused their labour to be done. Of my own house I made myself a gibbet.' !CANTO XIV. Because the charity of my native place Constrained me, gathered I the scattered leaves, And gave them back to him, who now was hoarse. Then came we to the confine, where disparted The second round is from the third, and where A horrible form of Justice is beheld. Clearly to manifest these novel things, I say that we arrived upon a plain, Which from its bed rejecteth every plant; 10/The dolorous forest is a garland to it All round about, as the sad moat to that; There close upon the edge we stayed our feet. The soil was of an arid and thick sand, Not of another fashion made than that Which by the feet of Cato once was pressed. Vengeance of God, O how much oughtest thou By each one to be dreaded, who doth read That which was manifest unto mine eyes! Of naked souls beheld I many herds, 20/Who all were weeping very miserably, And over them seemed set a law diverse. Supine upon the ground some folk were lying; And some were sitting all drawn up together, And others went about continually. Those who were going round were far the more, And those were less who lay down to their torment, But had their tongues more loosed to lamentation. O'er all the sand-waste, with a gradual fall, Were raining down dilated flakes of fire, 30/As of the snow on Alp without a wind. As Alexander, in those torrid parts Of India, beheld upon his host Flames fall unbroken till they reached the ground. Whence he provided with his phalanxes To trample down the soil, because the vapour Better extinguished was while it was single; Thus was descending the eternal heat, Whereby the sand was set on fire, like tinder Beneath the steel, for doubling of the dole. 40/Without repose forever was the dance Of miserable hands, now there, now here, Shaking away from off them the fresh gleeds. 'Master,' began I, 'thou who overcomest All things except the demons dire, that issued Against us at the entrance of the gate, Who is that mighty one who seems to heed not The fire, and lieth lowering and disdainful, So that the rain seems not to ripen him?' And he himself, who had become aware 50/That I was questioning my Guide about him, Cried: 'Such as I was living, am I, dead. If Jove should weary out his smith, from whom He seized in anger the sharp thunderbolt, Wherewith upon the last day I was smitten, And if he wearied out by turns the others In Mongibello at the swarthy forge, Vociferating, 'Help, good Vulcan, help!' Even as he did there at the fight of Phlegra, And shot his bolts at me with all his might, 60/He would not have thereby a joyous vengeance.' Then did my Leader speak with such great force, That I had never heard him speak so loud: 'Yo Capaneus, aren't you aware that Your arrogance increases your punishment;? The only thing making you miserable, Is yourself.  Chill out bro!' Then he turned round to me with better lip, Saying: 'This un-macho rage man here Was one of seven kings who beseged Thebes 70/And also he seems to hate God for some reason; The only reason he's here is his doing If he calmed down he could walk on out. Now follow me, but step lightly here Don't let your feet touch the grody sand, Stay close to the woods, understand?' Speaking no word, we came to where there gushes Forth from the wood a little rivulet, Whose redness makes my hair still stand on end. As from the Bulicame springs the brooklet, 80/The sinful women later share among them, So downward through the sand it went its way. The bottom of it, and both sloping banks, Were made of stone, and the margins at the side; Whence I perceived that there the passage was. 'Out of everything we've seen so far Since we began this hellish vacation Has been pretty gnarly, you'll agree But feast your eyes on this fire-water Nothing is as rad as this here river, 90/With the flames dancing on the surface.' These words were of my Leader; whence I prayed him That he would give me largess of the food, For which he had given me largess of desire. 'Back on Earth there is this island,' Said he thereafterward, 'It's called Crete, And the king there kept his world boring. On Crete there's this huge old mountain There are streams and forests and nature stuff. Nobody lives there, but it's pretty okay. 100/The Greeks believed that a goddess gave birth And hid her son on that island, which I guess Makes sense because babies are loud and all. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this It doesn't have very much to do with the river, But it somehow seemed like the right thing. Say, did you know that some guy back on Earth, Made a video game where I'm a dragon? It's awesome!  I can breath fire and fly. Did you bring any food with you at all? 110/Ghosts can't really eat you understand, But it's been so long since I snapped Into a Slim Jim that I kinda was hoping Maybe you had one in your pocket somewhere, And could just pass it through me a bit So that I can absorb some of the essence. That's how ghosts eat, like this you see; Watch 1995's 'Casper', it's in there. Anyway, this river flows down through Hell. Eventually it will go to the very bottom 120/But you'll see where, we're going there.' And I to him: 'If so the present runnel Doth take its rise in this way from our world, Why only on this verge appears it to us?' And he to me: 'You know that Hell is circular, We've come a long way but not long enough, There's still a long way yet to go, We haven't made it quite to the end yet. So if you've been surprised by the sights, Let me say: You ain't seen nothing yet.' 130/And I again: 'Master, where shall be found Lethe and Phlegethon, for of one thou'rt silent, And sayest the other of this rain is made?' 'I said nothing of the sort, you buffoon!' Replied he; 'but to answer your question, If you look at the water you might know. See the water there? That's the Lethe, Sometimes the souls of the punished bathe And forget why they're here.  It sucks.' Then said he: 'Alright that's enough for now 140/Tourism time is over, we have a schedule; Let's go this way, follow me across, I want to get out of this stupid forest.' !CANTO XV. Now bears us onward one of the hard margins, And so the brooklet's mist o'ershadows it, From fire it saves the water and the dikes. Even as the Flemings, 'twixt Cadsand and Bruges, Fearing the flood that tow'rds them hurls itself, Their bulwarks build to put the sea to flight; And as the Paduans along the Brenta, To guard their villas and their villages, Or ever Chiarentana feel the heat; 10/In such similitude had those been made, Albeit not so lofty nor so thick, Whoever he might be, the master made them. Now were we from the forest so remote, I could not have discovered where it was, Even if backward I had turned myself, When we a company of souls encountered, Who came beside the dike, and every one Gazed at us, as at evening we are wont To eye each other under a new moon, 20/And so towards us sharpened they their brows As an old tailor at the needle's eye. Thus scrutinised by such a family, By some one I was recognised, who seized My garment's hem, and cried out, 'What a marvel!' And I, when he stretched forth his arm to me, On his baked aspect fastened so mine eyes, That the scorched countenance prevented not His recognition by my intellect; And bowing down my face unto his own, 30/I made reply, 'Are you here, Ser Brunetto?' And he: 'May't not displease thee, O my son, If a brief space with thee Brunetto Latini Backward return and let the trail go on.' I said to him: 'With all my power I ask it; And if you wish me to sit down with you, I will, if he please, for I go with him.' 'O son,' he said, 'whoever of this herd A moment stops, lies then a hundred years, Nor fans himself when smiteth him the fire. 40/Therefore go on; I at thy skirts will come, And afterward will I rejoin my band, Which goes lamenting its eternal doom.' I did not dare to go down from the road Level to walk with him; but my head bowed I held as one who goeth reverently. And he began: 'What fortune or what fate Before the last day leadeth thee down here? And who is this that showeth thee the way?' 'Up there above us in the life serene,' 50/I answered him, 'I lost me in a valley, Or ever yet my age had been completed. But yestermorn I turned my back upon it; This one appeared to me, returning thither, And homeward leadeth me along this road.' And he to me: 'If thou thy star do follow, Thou canst not fail thee of a glorious port, If well I judged in the life beautiful. And if I had not died so prematurely, Seeing Heaven thus benignant unto thee, 60/I would have given thee comfort in the work. But that ungrateful and malignant people, Which of old time from Fesole descended, And smacks still of the mountain and the granite, Will make itself, for thy good deeds, thy foe; And it is right; for among crabbed sorbs It ill befits the sweet fig to bear fruit. Old rumour in the world proclaims them blind; A people avaricious, envious, proud; Take heed that of their customs thou do cleanse thee. 70/Thy fortune so much honour doth reserve thee, One party and the other shall be hungry For thee; but far from goat shall be the grass. Their litter let the beasts of Fesole Make of themselves, nor let them touch the plant, If any still upon their dunghill rise, In which may yet revive the consecrated Seed of those Romans, who remained there when The nest of such great malice it became.' 'If my entreaty wholly were fulfilled,' 80/Replied I to him, 'not yet would you be In banishment from human nature placed; For in my mind is fixed, and touches now My heart the dear and good paternal image Of you, when in the world from hour to hour You taught me how a man becomes eternal; And how much I am grateful, while I live Behoves that in my language be discerned. What you narrate of my career I write, And keep it to be glossed with other text 90/By a Lady who can do it, if I reach her. This much will I have manifest to you; Provided that my conscience do not chide me, For whatsoever Fortune I am ready. Such handsel is not new unto mine ears; Therefore let Fortune turn her wheel around As it may please her, and the churl his mattock.' My Master thereupon on his right cheek Did backward turn himself, and looked at me; Then said: 'Man, what a downer!' 100/Nor speaking less on that account, I go With Ser Brunetto, and I ask who are His most known and most eminent companions. And he to me: 'To know of some is well; Of others it were laudable to be silent, For short would be the time for so much speech. Know them in sum, that all of them were clerks, And men of letters great and of great fame, In the world tainted with the selfsame sin. Priscian goes yonder with that wretched crowd, 110/And Francis of Accorso; and thou hadst seen there If thou hadst had a hankering for such scurf, That one, who by the Servant of the Servants From Arno was transferred to Bacchiglione, Where he has left his sin-excited nerves. More would I say, but coming and discoursing Can be no longer; for that I behold New smoke uprising yonder from the sand. A people comes with whom I may not be; Commended unto thee be my Tesoro, 120/In which I still live, and no more I ask.' Then he turned round, and seemed to be of those Who at Verona run for the Green Mantle Across the plain; and seemed to be among them The one who wins, and not the one who loses. !CANTO XVI. Now was I where was heard the reverberation Of water falling into the next round, Like to that humming which the beehives make, When shadows three together started forth, Running, from out a company that passed Beneath the rain of the sharp martyrdom. Towards us came they, and each one cried out: 'Stop, thou; for by thy garb to us thou seemest To be some one of our depraved city.' 10/Ah me! what wounds I saw upon their limbs, Recent and ancient by the flames burnt in! It pains me still but to remember it. Unto their cries my Teacher paused attentive; He turned his face towards me, and 'Now wait,' He said; 'We need to be nice to these guys. If it weren't for the fact that we're in Hell Which is inherently a bad place to be I'd say that they're swell dudes really.' As soon as we stood still, they recommenced 20/The old refrain, and when they overtook us, Formed of themselves a wheel, all three of them. As champions stripped and oiled are wont to do, Watching for their advantage and their hold, Before they come to blows and thrusts between them, Thus, wheeling round, did every one his visage Direct to me, so that in opposite wise His neck and feet continual journey made. And, 'If the misery of this soft place Bring in disdain ourselves and our entreaties,' 30/Began one, 'and our aspect black and blistered, Let the renown of us thy mind incline To tell us who thou art, who thus securely Thy living feet dost move along through Hell. He in whose footprints thou dost see me treading, Naked and skinless though he now may go, Was of a greater rank than thou dost think; He was the grandson of the good Gualdrada; His name was Guidoguerra, and in life Much did he with his wisdom and his sword. 40/The other, who close by me treads the sand, Tegghiaio Aldobrandi is, whose fame Above there in the world should welcome be. And I, who with them on the cross am placed, Jacopo Rusticucci was; and truly My savage wife, more than aught else, doth harm me.' Could I have been protected from the fire, Below I should have thrown myself among them, And think the Teacher would have suffered it; But as I should have burned and baked myself, 50/My terror overmastered my good will, Which made me greedy of embracing them. Then I began: 'Sorrow and not disdain Did your condition fix within me so, That tardily it wholly is stripped off, As soon as this my Lord said unto me Words, on account of which I thought within me That people such as you are were approaching. I of your city am; and evermore Your labours and your honourable names 60/I with affection have retraced and heard. I leave the gall, and go for the sweet fruits Promised to me by the veracious Leader; But to the centre first I needs must plunge.' 'So may the soul for a long while conduct Those limbs of thine,' did he make answer then, 'And so may thy renown shine after thee, Valour and courtesy, say if they dwell Within our city, as they used to do, Or if they wholly have gone out of it; 70/For Guglielmo Borsier, who is in torment With us of late, and goes there with his comrades, Doth greatly mortify us with his words.' 'The new inhabitants and the sudden gains, Pride and extravagance have in thee engendered, Florence, so that thou weep'st thereat already!' In this wise I exclaimed with face uplifted; And the three, taking that for my reply, Looked at each other, as one looks at truth. 'If other times so little it doth cost thee,' 80/Replied they all, 'to satisfy another, Happy art thou, thus speaking at thy will! Therefore, if thou escape from these dark places, And come to rebehold the beauteous stars, When it shall pleasure thee to say, 'I was,' See that thou speak of us unto the people.' Then they broke up the wheel, and in their flight It seemed as if their agile legs were wings. Not an Amen could possibly be said So rapidly as they had disappeared; 90/Wherefore the Master deemed best to depart. I followed him, and little had we gone, Before the sound of water was so near us, That speaking we should hardly have been heard. Even as that stream which holdeth its own course The first from Monte Veso tow'rds the East, Upon the left-hand slope of Apennine, Which is above called Acquacheta, ere It down descendeth into its low bed, And at Forli is vacant of that name, 100/Reverberates there above San Benedetto From Alps, by falling at a single leap, Where for a thousand there were room enough; Thus downward from a bank precipitate, We found resounding that dark-tinted water, So that it soon the ear would have offended. I had a cord around about me girt, And therewithal I whilom had designed To take the panther with the painted skin. After I this had all from me unloosed, 110/As my Conductor had commanded me, I reached it to him, gathered up and coiled, Whereat he turned himself to the right side, And at a little distance from the verge, He cast it down into that deep abyss. 'It must needs be some novelty respond,' I said within myself, 'to the new signal The Master with his eye is following so.' Ah me! how very cautious men should be With those who not alone behold the act, 120/But with their wisdom look into the thoughts! He said to me: 'Soon what I'm waiting for Will show up here, and your curiosity Might be satisfied, for a while.' Aye to that truth which has the face of falsehood, A man should close his lips as far as may be, Because without his fault it causes shame; But here I cannot; and, Reader, by the notes Of this my Comedy to thee I swear, So may they not be void of lasting favour, 130/Athwart that dense and darksome atmosphere I saw a figure swimming upward come, Marvellous unto every steadfast heart, Even as he returns who goeth down Sometimes to clear an anchor, which has grappled Reef, or aught else that in the sea is hidden, Who upward stretches, and draws in his feet. !CANTO XVII. 'Look at that super macho monster down there! He shatters mountains and breaks city walls! Check out his power, and be awed!' Thus unto me my Guide began to say, And beckoned him that he should come to shore, Near to the confine of the trodden marble; And that uncleanly image of deceit Came up and thrust ashore its head and bust, But on the border did not drag its tail. 10/The face was as the face of a just man, Its semblance outwardly was so benign, And of a serpent all the trunk beside. Two paws it had, hairy unto the armpits; The back, and breast, and both the sides it had Depicted o'er with nooses and with shields. With colours more, groundwork or broidery Never in cloth did Tartars make nor Turks, Nor were such tissues by Arachne laid. As sometimes wherries lie upon the shore, 20/That part are in the water, part on land; And as among the guzzling Germans there, The beaver plants himself to wage his war; So that vile monster lay upon the border, Which is of stone, and shutteth in the sand. His tail was wholly quivering in the void, Contorting upwards the envenomed fork, That in the guise of scorpion armed its point. The Guide said: 'We should avoid it. Despite my macho strength and nacho power 30/He is one dude that I don't want to fight.' We therefore on the right side descended, And made ten steps upon the outer verge, Completely to avoid the sand and flame; And after we are come to him, I see A little farther off upon the sand A people sitting near the hollow place. Then said to me the Master: 'It'll improve Your experience of Hell immensely, If you go ask them what their deal is. 40/This is not space, but for them, it's the place; While you do that I'm going to sunbathe, In this Sahara that is Macho Madness.' Thus farther still upon the outermost Head of that seventh circle all alone I went, where sat the melancholy folk. Out of their eyes was gushing forth their woe; This way, that way, they helped them with their hands Now from the flames and now from the hot soil. Not otherwise in summer do the dogs, 50/Now with the foot, now with the muzzle, when By fleas, or flies, or gadflies, they are bitten. When I had turned mine eyes upon the faces Of some, on whom the dolorous fire is falling, Not one of them I knew; but I perceived That from the neck of each there hung a pouch, Which certain colour had, and certain blazon; And thereupon it seems their eyes are feeding. And as I gazing round me come among them, Upon a yellow pouch I azure saw 60/That had the face and posture of a lion. Proceeding then the current of my sight, Another of them saw I, red as blood, Display a goose more white than butter is. And one, who with an azure sow and gravid Emblazoned had his little pouch of white, Said unto me: 'What dost thou in this moat? Now get thee gone; and since thou'rt still alive, Know that a neighbour of mine, Vitaliano, Will have his seat here on my left-hand side. 70/A Paduan am I with these Florentines; Full many a time they thunder in mine ears, Exclaiming, 'Come the sovereign cavalier, He who shall bring the satchel with three goats;'' Then twisted he his mouth, and forth he thrust His tongue, like to an ox that licks its nose. And fearing lest my longer stay might vex Him who had warned me not to tarry long, Backward I turned me from those weary souls. I found my Guide, who had already mounted 80/Upon the back of that wild animal, And said to me: 'Now don't be a wuss. It's time to descend some stairs, get hype! You ride up front and me in back, So that you don't get hurt by the tail.' Such as he is who has so near the ague Of quartan that his nails are blue already, And trembles all, but looking at the shade; Even such became I at those proffered words; But shame in me his menaces produced, 90/Which maketh servant strong before good master. I seated me upon those monstrous shoulders; I wished to say, and yet the voice came not As I believed, 'Take heed that thou embrace me.' But he, who other times had rescued me In other peril, soon as I had mounted, Within his arms encircled and sustained me, And said: 'Giddyup hoss! Go forth; It's not every day you carry the Macho Man; Think of the story you can tell your friends.' 100/Even as the little vessel shoves from shore, Backward, still backward, so he thence withdrew; And when he wholly felt himself afloat, There where his breast had been he turned his tail, And that extended like an eel he moved, And with his paws drew to himself the air. A greater fear I do not think there was What time abandoned Phaeton the reins, Whereby the heavens, as still appears, were scorched; Nor when the wretched Icarus his flanks 110/Felt stripped of feathers by the melting wax, His father crying, 'An ill way thou takest!' Than was my own, when I perceived myself On all sides in the air, and saw extinguished The sight of everything but of the monster. Onward he goeth, swimming slowly, slowly; Wheels and descends, but I perceive it only By wind upon my face and from below. I heard already on the right the whirlpool Making a horrible crashing under us; 120/Whence I thrust out my head with eyes cast downward. Then was I still more fearful of the abyss; Because I fires beheld, and heard laments, Whereat I, trembling, all the closer cling. I saw then, for before I had not seen it, The turning and descending, by great horrors That were approaching upon divers sides. As falcon who has long been on the wing, Who, without seeing either lure or bird, Maketh the falconer say, 'Ah me, thou stoopest,' 130/Descendeth weary, whence he started swiftly, Thorough a hundred circles, and alights Far from his master, sullen and disdainful; Even thus did Geryon place us on the bottom, Close to the bases of the rough-hewn rock, And being disencumbered of our persons, He sped away as arrow from the string. !CANTO XVIII. There is a place in Hell called Malebolge, Wholly of stone and of an iron colour, As is the circle that around it turns. Right in the middle of the field malign There yawns a well exceeding wide and deep, Of which its place the structure will recount. Round, then, is that enclosure which remains Between the well and foot of the high, hard bank, And has distinct in valleys ten its bottom. 10/As where for the protection of the walls Many and many moats surround the castles, The part in which they are a figure forms, Just such an image those presented there; And as about such strongholds from their gates Unto the outer bank are little bridges, So from the precipice's base did crags Project, which intersected dikes and moats, Unto the well that truncates and collects them. Within this place, down shaken from the back 20/Of Geryon, we found us; and the Poet Held to the left, and I moved on behind. Upon my right hand I beheld new anguish, New torments, and new wielders of the lash, Wherewith the foremost Bolgia was replete. Down at the bottom were the sinners naked; This side the middle came they facing us, Beyond it, with us, but with greater steps; Even as the Romans, for the mighty host, The year of Jubilee, upon the bridge, 30/Have chosen a mode to pass the people over; For all upon one side towards the Castle Their faces have, and go unto St. Peter's; On the other side they go towards the Mountain. This side and that, along the livid stone Beheld I horned demons with great scourges, Who cruelly were beating them behind. Ah me! how they did make them lift their legs At the first blows! and sooth not any one The second waited for, nor for the third. 40/While I was going on, mine eyes by one Encountered were; and straight I said: 'Already With sight of this one I am not unfed.' Therefore I stayed my feet to make him out, And with me the sweet Guide came to a stand, And to my going somewhat back assented; And he, the scourged one, thought to hide himself, Lowering his face, but little it availed him; For said I: 'Thou that castest down thine eyes, If false are not the features which thou bearest, 50/Thou art Venedico Caccianimico; But what doth bring thee to such pungent sauces?' And he to me: 'Unwillingly I tell it; But forces me thine utterance distinct, Which makes me recollect the ancient world. I was the one who the fair Ghisola Induced to grant the wishes of the Marquis, Howe'er the shameless story may be told. Not the sole Bolognese am I who weeps here; Nay, rather is this place so full of them, 60/That not so many tongues to-day are taught 'Twixt Reno and Savena to say 'sipa;' And if thereof thou wishest pledge or proof, Bring to thy mind our avaricious heart.' While speaking in this manner, with his scourge A demon smote him, and said: 'Get thee gone Pander, there are no women here for coin.' I joined myself again unto mine Escort; Thereafterward with footsteps few we came To where a crag projected from the bank. 70/This very easily did we ascend, And turning to the right along its ridge, From those eternal circles we departed. When we were there, where it is hollowed out Beneath, to give a passage to the scourged, The Guide said: 'Wait and look at them, Those unhip cats who are born evil, Those whom we have not seen as of yet, Because they've been following us.' From the old bridge we looked upon the train 80/Which tow'rds us came upon the other border, And which the scourges in like manner smite. And the good Master, without my inquiring, Said to me: 'Look at the tall one there, Despite his pain he's standing up tall; See how macho he remains in its face! That's Jason, whom you've heard of maybe? He did some pretty despicable stuff. I honestly never read Greek myths So I'm sort of in the dark about this. 90/You'll have to do the reading yourself. Instead, why don't you go bother him? Ask him about his wife and kids, And if he ever was a liar to them. I do know he had a cool boat called the Argo; I heard he went searching for some mutton, But then discovered gold was inedible. Seems like you could learn a lot from him; About how to be a jerk to women and kids You know, if you weren't already.' 100/We were already where the narrow path Crosses athwart the second dike, and forms Of that a buttress for another arch. Thence we heard people, who are making moan In the next Bolgia, snorting with their muzzles, And with their palms beating upon themselves The margins were incrusted with a mould By exhalation from below, that sticks there, And with the eyes and nostrils wages war. The bottom is so deep, no place suffices 110/To give us sight of it, without ascending The arch's back, where most the crag impends. Thither we came, and thence down in the moat I saw a people smothered in a filth That out of human privies seemed to flow; And whilst below there with mine eye I search, I saw one with his head so foul with ordure, It was not clear if he were clerk or layman. He screamed to me: 'Wherefore art thou so eager To look at me more than the other foul ones?' 120/And I to him: 'Because, if I remember, I have already seen thee with dry hair, And thou'rt Alessio Interminei of Lucca; Therefore I eye thee more than all the others.' And he thereon, belabouring his pumpkin: 'The flatteries have submerged me here below, Wherewith my tongue was never surfeited.' Then said to me the Guide: 'See that thou thrust Thy visage somewhat farther in advance, That with thine eyes thou well the face attain 130/Of that uncleanly and dishevelled drab, Who there doth scratch herself with filthy nails, And crouches now, and now on foot is standing. Thais the harlot is it, who replied Unto her paramour, when he said, 'Have I Great gratitude from thee?'--'Nay, marvellous;' And herewith let our sight be satisfied.' !CANTO XIX. O Simon Magus, O forlorn disciples, Ye who the things of God, which ought to be The brides of holiness, rapaciously For silver and for gold do prostitute, Now it behoves for you the trumpet sound, Because in this third Bolgia ye abide. We had already on the following tomb Ascended to that portion of the crag Which o'er the middle of the moat hangs plumb. 10/Wisdom supreme, O how great art thou showest In heaven, in earth, and in the evil world, And with what justice doth thy power distribute! I saw upon the sides and on the bottom The livid stone with perforations filled, All of one size, and every one was round. To me less ample seemed they not, nor greater Than those that in my beautiful Saint John Are fashioned for the place of the baptisers, And one of which, not many years ago, 20/I broke for some one, who was drowning in it; Be this a seal all men to undeceive. Out of the mouth of each one there protruded The feet of a transgressor, and the legs Up to the calf, the rest within remained. In all of them the soles were both on fire; Wherefore the joints so violently quivered, They would have snapped asunder withes and bands. Even as the flame of unctuous things is wont To move upon the outer surface only, 30/So likewise was it there from heel to point. 'Master, who is that one who writhes himself, More than his other comrades quivering,' I said, 'and whom a redder flame is sucking?' And he to me: 'If you follow me a little bit, Down this bank to where that cat is sitting, He will tell you himself his sorry story.' And I: 'What pleases thee, to me is pleasing; Thou art my Lord, and knowest that I depart not From thy desire, and knowest what is not spoken.' 40/Straightway upon the fourth dike we arrived; We turned, and on the left-hand side descended Down to the bottom full of holes and narrow. And the good Master yet from off his haunch Deposed me not, till to the hole he brought me Of him who so lamented with his shanks. 'Whoe'er thou art, that standest upside down, O doleful soul, implanted like a stake,' To say began I, 'if thou canst, speak out.' I stood even as the friar who is confessing 50/The false assassin, who, when he is fixed, Recalls him, so that death may be delayed. And he cried out: 'Dost thou stand there already, Dost thou stand there already, Boniface? By many years the record lied to me. Art thou so early satiate with that wealth, For which thou didst not fear to take by fraud The beautiful Lady, and then work her woe?' Such I became, as people are who stand, Not comprehending what is answered them, 60/As if bemocked, and know not how to answer. Then said Macho Man: 'Quick-like, tell him 'That's not me, I'm a different guy!'' And I replied as was imposed on me. Whereat the spirit writhed with both his feet, Then, sighing, with a voice of lamentation Said to me: 'Then what wantest thou of me? If who I am thou carest so much to know, That thou on that account hast crossed the bank, Know that I vested was with the great mantle; 70/And truly was I son of the She-bear, So eager to advance the cubs, that wealth Above, and here myself, I pocketed. Beneath my head the others are dragged down Who have preceded me in simony, Flattened along the fissure of the rock. Below there I shall likewise fall, whenever That one shall come who I believed thou wast, What time the sudden question I proposed. But longer I my feet already toast, 80/And here have been in this way upside down, Than he will planted stay with reddened feet; For after him shall come of fouler deed From tow'rds the west a Pastor without law, Such as befits to cover him and me. New Jason will he be, of whom we read In Maccabees; and as his king was pliant, So he who governs France shall be to this one.' I do not know if I were here too bold, That him I answered only in this metre: 90/'I pray thee tell me now how great a treasure Our Lord demanded of Saint Peter first, Before he put the keys into his keeping? Truly he nothing asked but 'Follow me.' Nor Peter nor the rest asked of Matthias Silver or gold, when he by lot was chosen Unto the place the guilty soul had lost. Therefore stay here, for thou art justly punished, And keep safe guard o'er the ill-gotten money, Which caused thee to be valiant against Charles. 100/And were it not that still forbids it me The reverence for the keys superlative Thou hadst in keeping in the gladsome life, I would make use of words more grievous still; Because your avarice afflicts the world, Trampling the good and lifting the depraved. The Evangelist you Pastors had in mind, When she who sitteth upon many waters To fornicate with kings by him was seen; The same who with the seven heads was born, 110/And power and strength from the ten horns received, So long as virtue to her spouse was pleasing. Ye have made yourselves a god of gold and silver; And from the idolater how differ ye, Save that he one, and ye a hundred worship? Ah, Constantine! of how much ill was mother, Not thy conversion, but that marriage dower Which the first wealthy Father took from thee!' And while I sang to him such notes as these, Either that anger or that conscience stung him, 120/He struggled violently with both his feet. I think in sooth that it my Leader pleased, With such contented lip he listened ever Unto the sound of the true words expressed. Therefore with both his arms he took me up, And when he had me all upon his breast, Remounted by the way where he descended. Nor did he tire to have me clasped to him; But bore me to the summit of the arch Which from the fourth dike to the fifth is passage. 130/There tenderly he laid his burden down, Tenderly on the crag uneven and steep, That would have been hard passage for the goats: Thence was unveiled to me another valley. !CANTO XX. Of a new pain behoves me to make verses And give material to the twentieth canto Of the first song, which is of the submerged. I was already thoroughly disposed To peer down into the uncovered depth, Which bathed itself with tears of agony; And people saw I through the circular valley, Silent and weeping, coming at the pace Which in this world the Litanies assume. 10/As lower down my sight descended on them, Wondrously each one seemed to be distorted From chin to the beginning of the chest; For tow'rds the reins the countenance was turned, And backward it behoved them to advance, As to look forward had been taken from them. Perchance indeed by violence of palsy Some one has been thus wholly turned awry; But I ne'er saw it, nor believe it can be. As God may let thee, Reader, gather fruit 20/From this thy reading, think now for thyself How I could ever keep my face unmoistened, When our own image near me I beheld Distorted so, the weeping of the eyes Along the fissure bathed the hinder parts. Truly I wept, leaning upon a peak Of the hard crag, so that my Escort said To me: 'What are you crying for? Are you tired?  Is it your bedtime? It's been a big day for you I know. 30/You must be tired and not even know it. Let me tell you a bedtime story then To pass the time while we stride forward; Our macho hair swirling in the breeze. Once upon a time there was a warrior Sarnath was his name, from Monqurt He was a true knight, macho even as me. When he was young he traveled far Seeking the best challengers and champions Besting them all in one-on-one rumbles. 40/Eventually he came to the land of the Church, That great cathedral of Amour Lardo, Where the Cellulite Pope held his court. Sarnath did not know about religion In his land there was no church at all, And of course this world was not our own. This Nacho Man of old was truly wowed, The music of the priests blew him away And the pontiff himself was noble and kind. For a long time he lived at the court 50/Aiding young paladins in their training Serving as armsmaster for the holy army. Until finally he took oaths himself, Not those to be a clergyman, oh no, But to serve as the shield of the church. At this time an evil nation to the north, Wicked and envious of the church's wealth; Invaded and tried to stamp out the faith. It was Sarnath who held the line, Alongside his four most promising pupils, 60/Who ever after bore the title 'Hounds'. Their names are famous today They were Gleeok and Ragnasaurth Ilthor and strongest of all Thorgan. With their master they stemmed the tide, These five alone against a legion of foes Sheer numbers could not overcome their might. Yet as the battle appeared to be won, A single arrow struck Sarnath in the thigh Fast-acting poison turned his blood cold. 70/Gasping for air in his final minutes, Sarnath passed his title on to Thorgan, Appointing him leader of the Church's army. Thus ended the story of the hero Sarnath And where his spirit went I cannot say, In that world things aren't as simple. If you don't understand this story, Don't sweat it, I'm just killing time. It's actually not that great a story. And sorry if my speech has become formal 80/During the telling of this particular tale, I'm just trying to relate it I heard it. Some guy named Pablo told it to me When we were lifting at the gym last week, And I guess it has kind of stuck with me. Anyway, hopefully this happy tale Has gotten you to stop crying, or at least made you fall asleep; Either way it's the same to me, after all, We're going to have to keep going eventually 90/Unlike you I have all the time in the world. Say, have I ever tell you the cheese joke? You know, the one with the goat and the spoon? Where they end up at the sanitation plant? Well it's too long to tell now, There aren't many lines left in this Canto, But remind me in Canto XXXIV, it's great. A real knee-slapper let me tell you, The sort of joke you'll tell your grandkids Years from now as you munch on a Slim Jim. 100/And I: 'My Master, thy discourses are To me so certain, and so take my faith, That unto me the rest would be spent coals. But tell me of the people who are passing, If any one note-worthy thou beholdest, For only unto that my mind reverts.' Then said he to me: 'Normally I'd tell you But I've just spent a lot of time talking And even ghosts get sore throats, you know. I know that here there's like six more stanzas 110/And that if I stuck on-script I'd give them all But honestly I'm just not feeling it right now. So I'm going to take matters into my own hands My MACHO hands; my NACHO hands, as they were. And end this particular canto early. I hope you don't hold it against me, The next one is more interesting anyway So let's just hurry along to it shall we? Thus spake he to me, and we walked the while. !CANTO XXI. From bridge to bridge thus, speaking other things Of which my Comedy cares not to sing, We came along, and held the summit, when We halted to behold another fissure Of Malebolge and other vain laments; And I beheld it marvellously dark. As in the Arsenal of the Venetians Boils in the winter the tenacious pitch To smear their unsound vessels o'er again, 10/For sail they cannot; and instead thereof One makes his vessel new, and one recaulks The ribs of that which many a voyage has made; One hammers at the prow, one at the stern, This one makes oars, and that one cordage twists, Another mends the mainsail and the mizzen; Thus, not by fire, but by the art divine, Was boiling down below there a dense pitch Which upon every side the bank belimed. I saw it, but I did not see within it 20/Aught but the bubbles that the boiling raised, And all swell up and resubside compressed. The while below there fixedly I gazed, My Leader, crying out: 'Watch out!' Drew me unto himself from where I stood. Then I turned round, as one who is impatient To see what it behoves him to escape, And whom a sudden terror doth unman, Who, while he looks, delays not his departure; And I beheld behind us a black devil, 30/Running along upon the crag, approach. Ah, how ferocious was he in his aspect! And how he seemed to me in action ruthless, With open wings and light upon his feet! His shoulders, which sharp-pointed were and high, A sinner did encumber with both haunches, And he held clutched the sinews of the feet. From off our bridge, he said: 'O Malebranche, Behold one of the elders of Saint Zita; Plunge him beneath, for I return for others 40/Unto that town, which is well furnished with them. All there are barrators, except Bonturo; No into Yes for money there is changed.' He hurled him down, and over the hard crag Turned round, and never was a mastiff loosened In so much hurry to pursue a thief. The other sank, and rose again face downward; But the demons, under cover of the bridge, Cried: 'Here the Santo Volto has no place! Here swims one otherwise than in the Serchio; 50/Therefore, if for our gaffs thou wishest not, Do not uplift thyself above the pitch.' They seized him then with more than a hundred rakes; They said: 'It here behoves thee to dance covered, That, if thou canst, thou secretly mayest pilfer.' Not otherwise the cooks their scullions make Immerse into the middle of the caldron The meat with hooks, so that it may not float. Said the good Master to me: 'You gotta hide, So duck down behind this rock face 60/And they will not be able to see you; Don't worry about what happesn to me, None may withstand the Macho Man unleashed, I've handled these demons many times.' Then he passed on beyond the bridge's head, And as upon the sixth bank he arrived, Need was for him to have a steadfast front. With the same fury, and the same uproar, As dogs leap out upon a mendicant, Who on a sudden begs, where'er he stops, 70/They issued from beneath the little bridge, And turned against him all their grappling-irons; But he cried out: 'Step back idiots! Do you remember what happened last time, When I was strolling through on vacation, And you tried to grab me and paid the price?' They all cried out: 'Let Malacoda go;' Whereat one started, and the rest stood still, And he came to him, saying: 'What avails it?' 'How now, Malacoda? Up for another round? 80/I hope your tail is healed.' my Master said, 'There's a reason your name is evil tail, But what evil can you do if it breaks again? Why not let me pass, and spare your body Unless you're crusing for a bruising.' Then was his arrogance so humbled in him, That he let fall his grapnel at his feet, And to the others said: 'Now strike him not.' And unto me my Guide: 'O thou, who sittest Among the splinters of the bridge crouched down, 90/Securely now return to me again.' Wherefore I started and came swiftly to him; And all the devils forward thrust themselves, So that I feared they would not keep their compact. And thus beheld I once afraid the soldiers Who issued under safeguard from Caprona, Seeing themselves among so many foes. Close did I press myself with all my person Beside my Leader, and turned not mine eyes From off their countenance, which was not good. 100/They lowered their rakes, and 'Wilt thou have me hit him,' They said to one another, 'on the rump?' And answered: 'Yes; see that thou nick him with it.' But the same demon who was holding parley With my Conductor turned him very quickly, And said: 'Be quiet, be quiet, Scarmiglione;' Then said to us: 'You can no farther go Forward upon this crag, because is lying All shattered, at the bottom, the sixth arch. And if it still doth please you to go onward, 110/Pursue your way along upon this rock; Near is another crag that yields a path. Yesterday, five hours later than this hour, One thousand and two hundred sixty-six Years were complete, that here the way was broken. I send in that direction some of mine To see if any one doth air himself; Go ye with them; for they will not be vicious. Step forward, Alichino and Calcabrina,' Began he to cry out, 'and thou, Cagnazzo; 120/And Barbariccia, do thou guide the ten. Come forward, Libicocco and Draghignazzo, And tusked Ciriatto and Graffiacane, And Farfarello and mad Rubicante; Search ye all round about the boiling pitch; Let these be safe as far as the next crag, That all unbroken passes o'er the dens.' 'O me! what is it, Master, that I see? Pray let us go,' I said, 'without an escort, If thou knowest how, since for myself I ask none. 130/If thou art as observant as thy wont is, Dost thou not see that they do gnash their teeth, And with their brows are threatening woe to us?' And he to me: 'There's no need to fear now; They just want to regain their lost pride, Gnashing their teeth to shore up their image.' Along the left-hand dike they wheeled about; But first had each one thrust his tongue between His teeth towards their leader for a signal; And he had made a trumpet of his rump. !CANTO XXII. I have erewhile seen horsemen moving camp, Begin the storming, and their muster make, And sometimes starting off for their escape; Vaunt-couriers have I seen upon your land, O Aretines, and foragers go forth, Tournaments stricken, and the joustings run, Sometimes with trumpets and sometimes with bells, With kettle-drums, and signals of the castles, And with our own, and with outlandish things, 10/But never yet with bagpipe so uncouth Did I see horsemen move, nor infantry, Nor ship by any sign of land or star. We went upon our way with the ten demons; Ah, savage company! but in the church With saints, and in the tavern with the gluttons! Ever upon the pitch was my intent, To see the whole condition of that Bolgia, And of the people who therein were burned. Even as the dolphins, when they make a sign 20/To mariners by arching of the back, That they should counsel take to save their vessel, Thus sometimes, to alleviate his pain, One of the sinners would display his back, And in less time conceal it than it lightens. As on the brink of water in a ditch The frogs stand only with their muzzles out, So that they hide their feet and other bulk, So upon every side the sinners stood; But ever as Barbariccia near them came, 30/Thus underneath the boiling they withdrew. I saw, and still my heart doth shudder at it, One waiting thus, even as it comes to pass One frog remains, and down another dives; And Graffiacan, who most confronted him, Grappled him by his tresses smeared with pitch, And drew him up, so that he seemed an otter. I knew, before, the names of all of them, So had I noted them when they were chosen, And when they called each other, listened how. 40/'O Rubicante, see that thou do lay Thy claws upon him, so that thou mayst flay him,' Cried all together the accursed ones. And I: 'My Master, see to it, if thou canst, That thou mayst know who is the luckless wight, Thus come into his adversaries' hands.' Near to the side of him my Leader drew, Asked of him whence he was; and he replied: 'I in the kingdom of Navarre was born; My mother placed me servant to a lord, 50/For she had borne me to a ribald knave, Destroyer of himself and of his things. Then I domestic was of good King Thibault; I set me there to practise barratry, For which I pay the reckoning in this heat.' And Ciriatto, from whose mouth projected, On either side, a tusk, as in a boar, Caused him to feel how one of them could rip. Among malicious cats the mouse had come; But Barbariccia clasped him in his arms, 60/And said: 'Stand ye aside, while I enfork him.' And to my Master he turned round his head; 'Ask him again,' he said, 'and just maybe You've noticed I always tell you that.' The Guide: 'Now tell us of the others here; Are there any who are worthing hearing about? Best gnarly story?'  And he: 'I separated Lately from one who was a neighbour to it; Would that I still were covered up with him, For I should fear not either claw nor hook!' 70/And Libicocco: 'We have borne too much;' And with his grapnel seized him by the arm, So that, by rending, he tore off a tendon. Eke Draghignazzo wished to pounce upon him Down at the legs; whence their Decurion Turned round and round about with evil look. When they again somewhat were pacified, Of him, who still was looking at his wound, Demanded my Conductor without stay: 'Wow who was that guy?  I don't know him. 80/Also you might want to get that looked at.' And he replied: 'It was the Friar Gomita, He of Gallura, vessel of all fraud, Who had the enemies of his Lord in hand, And dealt so with them each exults thereat; Money he took, and let them smoothly off, As he says; and in other offices A barrator was he, not mean but sovereign. Foregathers with him one Don Michael Zanche Of Logodoro; and of Sardinia 90/To gossip never do their tongues feel tired. O me! see that one, how he grinds his teeth; Still farther would I speak, but am afraid Lest he to scratch my itch be making ready.' And the grand Provost, turned to Farfarello, Who rolled his eyes about as if to strike, Said: 'Stand aside there, thou malicious bird.' 'If you desire either to see or hear,' The terror-stricken recommenced thereon, 'Tuscans or Lombards, I will make them come. 100/But let the Malebranche cease a little, So that these may not their revenges fear, And I, down sitting in this very place, For one that I am will make seven come, When I shall whistle, as our custom is To do whenever one of us comes out.' Cagnazzo at these words his muzzle lifted, Shaking his head, and said: 'Just hear the trick Which he has thought of, down to throw himself!' Whence he, who snares in great abundance had, 110/Responded: 'I by far too cunning am, When I procure for mine a greater sadness.' Alichin held not in, but running counter Unto the rest, said to him: 'If thou dive, I will not follow thee upon the gallop, But I will beat my wings above the pitch; The height be left, and be the bank a shield To see if thou alone dost countervail us.' O thou who readest, thou shalt hear new sport! Each to the other side his eyes averted; 120/He first, who most reluctant was to do it. The Navarrese selected well his time; Planted his feet on land, and in a moment Leaped, and released himself from their design. Whereat each one was suddenly stung with shame, But he most who was cause of the defeat; Therefore he moved, and cried: 'Thou art o'ertakern.' But little it availed, for wings could not Outstrip the fear; the other one went under, And, flying, upward he his breast directed; 130/Not otherwise the duck upon a sudden Dives under, when the falcon is approaching, And upward he returneth cross and weary. Infuriate at the mockery, Calcabrina Flying behind him followed close, desirous The other should escape, to have a quarrel. And when the barrator had disappeared, He turned his talons upon his companion, And grappled with him right above the moat. But sooth the other was a doughty sparhawk 140/To clapperclaw him well; and both of them Fell in the middle of the boiling pond. A sudden intercessor was the heat; But ne'ertheless of rising there was naught, To such degree they had their wings belimed. Lamenting with the others, Barbariccia Made four of them fly to the other side With all their gaffs, and very speedily This side and that they to their posts descended; They stretched their hooks towards the pitch-ensnared, 150/Who were already baked within the crust, And in this manner busied did we leave them. !CANTO XXIII. Silent, alone, and without company We went, the one in front, the other after, As go the Minor Friars along their way. Upon the fable of Aesop was directed My thought, by reason of the present quarrel, Where he has spoken of the frog and mouse; For 'mo' and 'issa' are not more alike Than this one is to that, if well we couple End and beginning with a steadfast mind. 10/And even as one thought from another springs, So afterward from that was born another, Which the first fear within me double made. Thus did I ponder: 'These on our account Are laughed to scorn, with injury and scoff So great, that much I think it must annoy them. If anger be engrafted on ill-will, They will come after us more merciless Than dog upon the leveret which he seizes,' I felt my hair stand all on end already 20/With terror, and stood backwardly intent, When said I: 'Master, if thou hidest not Thyself and me forthwith, of Malebranche I am in dread; we have them now behind us; I so imagine them, I already feel them.' And he: 'Sometimes when I hear you speak, I have no idea what you're saying at all And so I imagine it's a hilarious joke. Now, for example, you just said gibberish, Which I interpreted as a very funny bit 30/About a rooster and a tractor-trailer. Let's take this downward slope here Step lively, macho men don't lose balance, Nothing shall catch us on this path.' Not yet he finished rendering such opinion, When I beheld them come with outstretched wings, Not far remote, with will to seize upon us. My Leader on a sudden seized me up, Even as a mother who by noise is wakened, And close beside her sees the enkindled flames, 40/Who takes her son, and flies, and does not stop, Having more care of him than of herself, So that she clothes her only with a shift; And downward from the top of the hard bank Supine he gave him to the pendent rock, That one side of the other Bolgia walls. Ne'er ran so swiftly water through a sluice To turn the wheel of any land-built mill, When nearest to the paddles it approaches, As did my Master down along that border, 50/Bearing me with him on his breast away, As his own son, and not as a companion. Hardly the bed of the ravine below His feet had reached, ere they had reached the hill Right over us; but he was not afraid; For the high Providence, which had ordained To place them ministers of the fifth moat, The power of thence departing took from all. A painted people there below we found, Who went about with footsteps very slow, 60/Weeping and in their semblance tired and vanquished. They had on mantles with the hoods low down Before their eyes, and fashioned of the cut That in Cologne they for the monks are made. Without, they gilded are so that it dazzles; But inwardly all leaden and so heavy That Frederick used to put them on of straw. O everlastingly fatiguing mantle! Again we turned us, still to the left hand Along with them, intent on their sad plaint; 70/But owing to the weight, that weary folk Came on so tardily, that we were new In company at each motion of the haunch. Whence I unto my Leader: 'See thou find Some one who may by deed or name be known, And thus in going move thine eye about.' And one, who understood the Tuscan speech, Cried to us from behind: 'Stay ye your feet, Ye, who so run athwart the dusky air! Perhaps thou'lt have from me what thou demandest.' 80/Whereat the Leader turned him, and said: 'Wait, And walk towards this weird duck slowly.' I stopped, and two beheld I show great haste Of spirit, in their faces, to be with me; But the burden and the narrow way delayed them. When they came up, long with an eye askance They scanned me without uttering a word. Then to each other turned, and said together: 'He by the action of his throat seems living; And if they dead are, by what privilege 90/Go they uncovered by the heavy stole?' Then said to me: 'Tuscan, who to the college Of miserable hypocrites art come, Do not disdain to tell us who thou art.' And I to them: 'Born was I, and grew up In the great town on the fair river of Arno, And with the body am I've always had. But who are ye, in whom there trickles down Along your cheeks such grief as I behold? And what pain is upon you, that so sparkles?' 100/And one replied to me: 'These orange cloaks Are made of lead so heavy, that the weights Cause in this way their balances to creak. Frati Gaudenti were we, and Bolognese; I Catalano, and he Loderingo Named, and together taken by thy city, As the wont is to take one man alone, For maintenance of its peace; and we were such That still it is apparent round Gardingo.' 'O Friars,' began I, 'your iniquitous. . .' 110/But said no more; for to mine eyes there rushed One crucified with three stakes on the ground. When me he saw, he writhed himself all over, Blowing into his beard with suspirations; And the Friar Catalan, who noticed this, Said to me: 'This transfixed one, whom thou seest, Counselled the Pharisees that it was meet To put one man to torture for the people. Crosswise and naked is he on the path, As thou perceivest; and he needs must feel, 120/Whoever passes, first how much he weighs; And in like mode his father-in-law is punished Within this moat, and the others of the council, Which for the Jews was a malignant seed.' And thereupon I saw the Macho Man marvel O'er him who was extended on the cross So vilely in eternal banishment. Then he directed to the Friar this voice: 'We're not lost, but if we were, Would you tell us if we were going wrong? 130/We're heading down this slope and it seems good, And the nacho man needs no directions, No map, but still, you'd let us know, right?' Then he made answer: 'Nearer than thou hopest There is a rock, that forth from the great circle Proceeds, and crosses all the cruel valleys, Save that at this 'tis broken, and does not bridge it; You will be able to mount up the ruin, That sidelong slopes and at the bottom rises.' The Leader stood awhile with head held high; 140/Then said: 'That guy's breath is the worst I think he ate too many salt and vinegar chips.' And the Friar: 'Many of the Devil's vices Once heard I at Bologna, and among them, That he's a liar and the father of lies.' Thereat my Leader with great strides went on, Somewhat disturbed with anger in his looks; Whence from the heavy-laden I departed After the prints of his beloved feet. !CANTO XXIV. In that part of the youthful year wherein The Sun his locks beneath Aquarius tempers, And now the nights draw near to half the day, What time the hoar-frost copies on the ground The outward semblance of her sister white, But little lasts the temper of her pen, The husbandman, whose forage faileth him, Rises, and looks, and seeth the champaign All gleaming white, whereat he beats his flank, 10/Returns in doors, and up and down laments, Like a poor wretch, who knows not what to do; Then he returns and hope revives again, Seeing the world has changed its countenance In little time, and takes his shepherd's crook, And forth the little lambs to pasture drives. Thus did the Master fill me with alarm, When I beheld his forehead so disturbed, And to the ailment came as soon the plaster. For as we came unto the ruined bridge, 20/The Leader turned to me with that sweet look Which at the mountain's foot I first beheld. His arms he opened, after some advisement Within himself elected, looking first Well at the ruin, and laid hold of me. And even as he who acts and meditates, For aye it seems that he provides beforehand, So upward lifting me towards the summit Of a huge rock, he scanned another crag, Saying: 'We've got to climb up there, 30/You first, see if it can hold our weight.' This was no way for one clothed with a cloak; For hardly we, he light, and I pushed upward, Were able to ascend from jag to jag. And had it not been, that upon that precinct Shorter was the ascent than on the other, He I know not, but I had been dead beat. But because Malebolge tow'rds the mouth Of the profoundest well is all inclining, The structure of each valley doth import 40/That one bank rises and the other sinks. Still we arrived at length upon the point Wherefrom the last stone breaks itself asunder. The breath was from my lungs so milked away, When I was up, that I could go no farther, Nay, I sat down upon my first arrival. 'Don't you fade on me now, pretty boy.' My Master said; 'Don't you know that Rest and relaxation makes you soft? As the kids say today, do you even lift? 50/You need to pump iron and run miles, Build your body up to a MACHO state. So get up off of the ground, slacker! Raise your spirits, act tough! Don't be a spineless slug, man! You're going to have to climb more stairs; This is just the beginning, let me tell you; If you hear me, then you'll prepare yourself.' Then I uprose, showing myself provided Better with breath than I did feel myself, 60/And said: 'Go on, for I am strong and bold.' Upward we took our way along the crag, Which jagged was, and narrow, and difficult, And more precipitous far than that before. Speaking I went, not to appear exhausted; Whereat a voice from the next moat came forth, Not well adapted to articulate words. I know not what it said, though o'er the back I now was of the arch that passes there; But he seemed moved to anger who was speaking. 70/I was bent downward, but my living eyes Could not attain the bottom, for the dark; Wherefore I: 'Master, see that thou arrive At the next round, and let us descend the wall; For as from hence I hear and understand not, So I look down and nothing I distinguish.' 'Don't talk,' he said, 'for a while, Seriously.  You fill the air with nose And not the type of madness that I love.' We from the bridge descended at its head, 80/Where it connects itself with the eighth bank, And then was manifest to me the Bolgia; And I beheld therein a terrible throng Of serpents, and of such a monstrous kind, That the remembrance still congeals my blood Let Libya boast no longer with her sand; For if Chelydri, Jaculi, and Phareae She breeds, with Cenchri and with Amphisbaena, Neither so many plagues nor so malignant E'er showed she with all Ethiopia, 90/Nor with whatever on the Red Sea is! Among this cruel and most dismal throng People were running naked and affrighted. Without the hope of hole or heliotrope. They had their hands with serpents bound behind them; These riveted upon their reins the tail And head, and were in front of them entwined. And lo! at one who was upon our side There darted forth a serpent, which transfixed him There where the neck is knotted to the shoulders. 100/Nor 'O' so quickly e'er, nor 'I' was written, As he took fire, and burned; and ashes wholly Behoved it that in falling he became. And when he on the ground was thus destroyed, The ashes drew together, and of themselves Into himself they instantly returned. Even thus by the great sages 'tis confessed The phoenix dies, and then is born again, When it approaches its five-hundredth year; On herb or grain it feeds not in its life, 110/But only on tears of incense and amomum, And nard and myrrh are its last winding-sheet. And as he is who falls, and knows not how, By force of demons who to earth down drag him, Or other oppilation that binds man, When he arises and around him looks, Wholly bewildered by the mighty anguish Which he has suffered, and in looking sighs; Such was that sinner after he had risen. Justice of God! O how severe it is, 120/That blows like these in vengeance poureth down! The Guide thereafter asked him who he was; Whence he replied: 'I rained from Tuscany A short time since into this cruel gorge. A bestial life, and not a human, pleased me, Even as the mule I was; I'm Vanni Fucci, Beast, and Pistoia was my worthy den.' And I unto the Guide: 'Tell him to stir not, And ask what crime has thrust him here below, For once a man of blood and wrath I saw him.' 130/And the sinner, who had heard, dissembled not, But unto me directed mind and face, And with a melancholy shame was painted. Then said: 'It pains me more that thou hast caught me Amid this misery where thou seest me, Than when I from the other life was taken. What thou demandest I cannot deny; So low am I put down because I robbed The sacristy of the fair ornaments, And falsely once 'twas laid upon another; 140/But that thou mayst not such a sight enjoy, If thou shalt e'er be out of the dark places, Thine ears to my announcement ope and hear: Pistoia first of Neri groweth meagre; Then Florence doth renew her men and manners; Mars draws a vapour up from Val di Magra, Which is with turbid clouds enveloped round, And with impetuous and bitter tempest Over Campo Picen shall be the battle; When it shall suddenly rend the mist asunder, 150/So that each Bianco shall thereby be smitten. And this I've said that it may give thee pain.' !CANTO XXV. At the conclusion of his words, the thief Lifted his hands aloft with both the figs, Crying: 'Take that, God, for at thee I aim them.' From that time forth the serpents were my friends; For one entwined itself about his neck As if it said: 'I will not thou speak more;' And round his arms another, and rebound him, Clinching itself together so in front, That with them he could not a motion make. 10/Pistoia, ah, Pistoia! why resolve not To burn thyself to ashes and so perish, Since in ill-doing thou thy seed excellest? Through all the sombre circles of this Hell, Spirit I saw not against God so proud, Not he who fell at Thebes down from the walls! He fled away, and spake no further word; And I beheld a Centaur full of rage Come crying out: 'Where is, where is the scoffer?' I do not think Maremma has so many 20/Serpents as he had all along his back, As far as where our countenance begins. Upon the shoulders, just behind the nape, With wings wide open was a dragon lying, And he sets fire to all that he encounters. My Master said: 'That guy is Cacus. It's said that when he was alive He created a lake of blood. METAL! He and his brothers are all here together Because they were thieves and brigands, 30/They stole some cows or sheep or something; They messed with the wrong guy it seems, Hercules beat them to death with a mace, It was pretty gnarly if I may say so.' While he was speaking thus, he had passed by, And spirits three had underneath us come, Of which nor I aware was, nor my Leader, Until what time they shouted: 'Who are you?' On which account our story made a halt, And then we were intent on them alone. 40/I did not know them; but it came to pass, As it is wont to happen by some chance, That one to name the other was compelled, Exclaiming: 'Where can Cianfa have remained?' Whence I, so that the Leader might attend, Upward from chin to nose my finger laid. If thou art, Reader, slow now to believe What I shall say, it will no marvel be, For I who saw it hardly can admit it. As I was holding raised on them my brows, 50/Behold! a serpent with six feet darts forth In front of one, and fastens wholly on him. With middle feet it bound him round the paunch, And with the forward ones his arms it seized; Then thrust its teeth through one cheek and the other; The hindermost it stretched upon his thighs, And put its tail through in between the two, And up behind along the reins outspread it. Ivy was never fastened by its barbs Unto a tree so, as this horrible reptile 60/Upon the other's limbs entwined its own. Then they stuck close, as if of heated wax They had been made, and intermixed their colour; Nor one nor other seemed now what he was; E'en as proceedeth on before the flame Upward along the paper a brown colour, Which is not black as yet, and the white dies. The other two looked on, and each of them Cried out: 'O me, Agnello, how thou changest! Behold, thou now art neither two nor one.' 70/Already the two heads had one become, When there appeared to us two figures mingled Into one face, wherein the two were lost. Of the four lists were fashioned the two arms, The thighs and legs, the belly and the chest Members became that never yet were seen. Every original aspect there was cancelled; Two and yet none did the perverted image Appear, and such departed with slow pace. Even as a lizard, under the great scourge 80/Of days canicular, exchanging hedge, Lightning appeareth if the road it cross; Thus did appear, coming towards the bellies Of the two others, a small fiery serpent, Livid and black as is a peppercorn. And in that part whereat is first received Our aliment, it one of them transfixed; Then downward fell in front of him extended. The one transfixed looked at it, but said naught; Nay, rather with feet motionless he yawned, 90/Just as if sleep or fever had assailed him. He at the serpent gazed, and it at him; One through the wound, the other through the mouth Smoked violently, and the smoke commingled. Henceforth be silent Lucan, where he mentions Wretched Sabellus and Nassidius, And wait to hear what now shall be shot forth. Be silent Ovid, of Cadmus and Arethusa; For if him to a snake, her to fountain, Converts he fabling, that I grudge him not; 100/Because two natures never front to front Has he transmuted, so that both the forms To interchange their matter ready were. Together they responded in such wise, That to a fork the serpent cleft his tail, And eke the wounded drew his feet together. The legs together with the thighs themselves Adhered so, that in little time the juncture No sign whatever made that was apparent. He with the cloven tail assumed the figure 110/The other one was losing, and his skin Became elastic, and the other's hard. I saw the arms draw inward at the armpits, And both feet of the reptile, that were short, Lengthen as much as those contracted were. Thereafter the hind feet, together twisted, Became the member that a man conceals, And of his own the wretch had two created. While both of them the exhalation veils With a new colour, and engenders hair 120/On one of them and depilates the other, The one uprose and down the other fell, Though turning not away their impious lamps, Underneath which each one his muzzle changed. He who was standing drew it tow'rds the temples, And from excess of matter, which came thither, Issued the ears from out the hollow cheeks; What did not backward run and was retained Of that excess made to the face a nose, And the lips thickened far as was befitting. 130/He who lay prostrate thrusts his muzzle forward, And backward draws the ears into his head, In the same manner as the snail its horns; And so the tongue, which was entire and apt For speech before, is cleft, and the bi-forked In the other closes up, and the smoke ceases. The soul, which to a reptile had been changed, Along the valley hissing takes to flight, And after him the other speaking sputters. Then did he turn upon him his new shoulders, 140/And said to the other: 'I'll have Buoso run, Crawling as I have done, along this road.' In this way I beheld the seventh ballast Shift and reshift, and here be my excuse The novelty, if aught my pen transgress. And notwithstanding that mine eyes might be Somewhat bewildered, and my mind dismayed, They could not flee away so secretly But that I plainly saw Puccio Sciancato; And he it was who sole of three companions, 150/Which came in the beginning, was not changed; The other was he whom thou, Gaville, weepest. !CANTO XXVI. Rejoice, O Florence, since thou art so great, That over sea and land thou beatest thy wings, And throughout Hell thy name is spread abroad! Among the thieves five citizens of thine Like these I found, whence shame comes unto me, And thou thereby to no great honour risest. But if when morn is near our dreams are true, Feel shalt thou in a little time from now What Prato, if none other, craves for thee. 10/And if it now were, it were not too soon; Would that it were, seeing it needs must be, For 'twill aggrieve me more the more I age. We went our way, and up along the stairs The bourns had made us to descend before, Remounted my Conductor and drew me. And following the solitary path Among the rocks and ridges of the crag, The foot without the hand sped not at all. Then sorrowed I, and sorrow now again, 20/When I direct my mind to what I saw, And more my genius curb than I am wont, That it may run not unless virtue guide it; So that if some good star, or better thing, Have given me good, I may myself not grudge it. As many as the hind (who on the hill Rests at the time when he who lights the world His countenance keeps least concealed from us, While as the fly gives place unto the gnat) Seeth the glow-worms down along the valley, 30/Perchance there where he ploughs and makes his vintage; With flames as manifold resplendent all Was the eighth Bolgia, as I grew aware As soon as I was where the depth appeared. And such as he who with the bears avenged him Beheld Elijah's chariot at departing, What time the steeds to heaven erect uprose, For with his eye he could not follow it So as to see aught else than flame alone, Even as a little cloud ascending upward, 40/Thus each along the gorge of the intrenchment Was moving; for not one reveals the theft, And every flame a sinner steals away. I stood upon the bridge uprisen to see, So that, if I had seized not on a rock, Down had I fallen without being pushed. And the Leader, who beheld me so attent, Exclaimed: 'They're all in the fire there; They bathe in the fire even though it burns.' 'My Master,' I replied, 'by hearing thee 50/I am more sure; but I surmised already It might be so, and already wished to ask thee Who is within that fire, which comes so cleft At top, it seems uprising from the pyre Where was Eteocles with his brother placed.' He answered me: 'Some pretty famous guys: Ulysses and Diomed, the Greek heroes You probably read about them in high school. It turns out that making the Trojan Horse Was weirdly interpreted as a sort of lie 60/And so they get to burn in Hell. Oops. I suspect this plot point has to do With the fact that Dante was Italian, So he felt bad about Troy getting sacked.' 'If they within those sparks possess the power To speak,' I said, 'thee, Master, much I pray, And re-pray, that the prayer be worth a thousand, That thou make no denial of awaiting Until the horned flame shall hither come; Thou seest that with desire I lean towards it.' 70/And he to me: 'Hey, now you're getting it, Good on you kid, that's the spirit now; But hold your tongue for one macho minute. Let me talk for a bit, because I think I know What you want to hear about, and why that is. I've been around long enough to guess.' When now the flame had come unto that point, Where to my Leader it seemed time and place, After this fashion did I hear him speak: 'Wubba wubba, magical fire!  Tell me! 80/I, the Macho Man, demand of you! Reveal your secrets!  Tell us stories! Wumbo wumbo, magical fire!  Tell me! If you don't help me out right now I will dump water on you! Beware!' Then of the antique flame the greater horn, Murmuring, began to wave itself about Even as a flame doth which the wind fatigues. Thereafterward, the summit to and fro Moving as if it were the tongue that spake, 90/It uttered forth a voice, and said: 'When I From Circe had departed, who concealed me More than a year there near unto Gaeta, Or ever yet Aeneas named it so, Nor fondness for my son, nor reverence For my old father, nor the due affection Which joyous should have made Penelope, Could overcome within me the desire I had to be experienced of the world, And of the vice and virtue of mankind; 100/But I put forth on the high open sea With one sole ship, and that small company By which I never had deserted been. Both of the shores I saw as far as Spain, Far as Morocco, and the isle of Sardes, And the others which that sea bathes round about. I and my company were old and slow When at that narrow passage we arrived Where Hercules his landmarks set as signals, That man no farther onward should adventure. 110/On the right hand behind me left I Seville, And on the other already had left Ceuta. 'O brothers, who amid a hundred thousand Perils,' I said, 'have come unto the West, To this so inconsiderable vigil Which is remaining of your senses still Be ye unwilling to deny the knowledge, Following the sun, of the unpeopled world. Consider ye the seed from which ye sprang; Ye were not made to live like unto brutes, 120/But for pursuit of virtue and of knowledge.' So eager did I render my companions, With this brief exhortation, for the voyage, That then I hardly could have held them back. And having turned our stern unto the morning, We of the oars made wings for our mad flight, Evermore gaining on the larboard side. Already all the stars of the other pole The night beheld, and ours so very low It did not rise above the ocean floor. 130/Five times rekindled and as many quenched Had been the splendour underneath the moon, Since we had entered into the deep pass, When there appeared to us a mountain, dim From distance, and it seemed to me so high As I had never any one beheld. Joyful were we, and soon it turned to weeping; For out of the new land a whirlwind rose, And smote upon the fore part of the ship. Three times it made her whirl with all the waters, 140/At the fourth time it made the stern uplift, And the prow downward go, as pleased Another, Until the sea above us closed again.' !CANTO XXVII. Already was the flame erect and quiet, To speak no more, and now departed from us With the permission of the gentle Poet; When yet another, which behind it came, Caused us to turn our eyes upon its top By a confused sound that issued from it. As the Sicilian bull (that bellowed first With the lament of him, and that was right, Who with his file had modulated it) 10/Bellowed so with the voice of the afflicted, That, notwithstanding it was made of brass, Still it appeared with agony transfixed; Thus, by not having any way or issue At first from out the fire, to its own language Converted were the melancholy words. But afterwards, when they had gathered way Up through the point, giving it that vibration The tongue had given them in their passage out, We heard it said: 'O thou, at whom I aim 20/My voice, and who but now wast speaking Lombard, Saying, 'Now go thy way, no more I urge thee,' Because I come perchance a little late, To stay and speak with me let it not irk thee; Thou seest it irks not me, and I am burning. If thou but lately into this blind world Hast fallen down from that sweet Latian land, Wherefrom I bring the whole of my transgression, Say, if the Romagnuols have peace or war, For I was from the mountains there between 30/Urbino and the yoke whence Tiber bursts.' I still was downward bent and listening, When my Conductor touched me on the side, Saying: 'This one is Italian like you.' And I, who had beforehand my reply In readiness, forthwith began to speak: 'O soul, that down below there art concealed, Romagna thine is not and never has been Without war in the bosom of its tyrants; But open war I none have left there now. 40/Ravenna stands as it long years has stood; The Eagle of Polenta there is brooding, So that she covers Cervia with her vans. The city which once made the long resistance, And of the French a sanguinary heap, Beneath the Green Paws finds itself again; Verrucchio's ancient Mastiff and the new, Who made such bad disposal of Montagna, Where they are wont make wimbles of their teeth. The cities of Lamone and Santerno 50/Governs the Lioncel of the white lair, Who changes sides 'twixt summer-time and winter; And that of which the Savio bathes the flank, Even as it lies between the plain and mountain, Lives between tyranny and a free state. Now I entreat thee tell us who thou art; Be not more stubborn than the rest have been, So may thy name hold front there in the world.' After the fire a little more had roared In its own fashion, the sharp point it moved 60/This way and that, and then gave forth such breath: 'If I believed that my reply were made To one who to the world would e'er return, This flame without more flickering would stand still; But inasmuch as never from this depth Did any one return, if I hear true, Without the fear of infamy I answer, I was a man of arms, then Cordelier, Believing thus begirt to make amends; And truly my belief had been fulfilled 70/But for the High Priest, whom may ill betide, Who put me back into my former sins; And how and wherefore I will have thee hear. While I was still the form of bone and pulp My mother gave to me, the deeds I did Were not those of a lion, but a fox. The machinations and the covert ways I knew them all, and practised so their craft, That to the ends of earth the sound went forth. When now unto that portion of mine age 80/I saw myself arrived, when each one ought To lower the sails, and coil away the ropes, That which before had pleased me then displeased me; And penitent and confessing I surrendered, Ah woe is me! and it would have bestead me; The Leader of the modern Pharisees Having a war near unto Lateran, And not with Saracens nor with the Jews, For each one of his enemies was Christian, And none of them had been to conquer Acre, 90/Nor merchandising in the Sultan's land, Nor the high office, nor the sacred orders, In him regarded, nor in me that cord Which used to make those girt with it more meagre; But even as Constantine sought out Sylvester To cure his leprosy, within Soracte, So this one sought me out as an adept To cure him of the fever of his pride. Counsel he asked of me, and I was silent, Because his words appeared inebriate. 100/And then he said: 'Be not thy heart afraid; Henceforth I thee absolve; and thou instruct me How to raze Palestrina to the ground. Heaven have I power to lock and to unlock, As thou dost know; therefore the keys are two, The which my predecessor held not dear.' Then urged me on his weighty arguments There, where my silence was the worst advice; And said I: 'Father, since thou washest me Of that sin into which I now must fall, 110/The promise long with the fulfilment short Will make thee triumph in thy lofty seat.' Francis came afterward, when I was dead, For me; but one of the black Cherubim Said to him: 'Take him not; do me no wrong; He must come down among my servitors, Because he gave the fraudulent advice From which time forth I have been at his hair; For who repents not cannot be absolved, Nor can one both repent and will at once, 120/Because of the contradiction which consents not.' O miserable me! how I did shudder When he seized on me, saying: 'Peradventure Thou didst not think that I was a logician!' He bore me unto Minos, who entwined Eight times his tail about his stubborn back, And after he had bitten it in great rage, Said: 'Of the thievish fire a culprit this;' Wherefore, here where thou seest, am I lost, And vested thus in going I bemoan me.' 130/When it had thus completed its recital, The flame departed uttering lamentations, Writhing and flapping its sharp-pointed horn. Onward we passed, both I and my Conductor, Up o'er the crag above another arch, Which the moat covers, where is paid the fee By those who, sowing discord, win their burden. !CANTO XXVIII. Who ever could, e'en with untrammelled words, Tell of the blood and of the wounds in full Which now I saw, by many times narrating? Each tongue would for a certainty fall short By reason of our speech and memory, That have small room to comprehend so much. If were again assembled all the people Which formerly upon the fateful land Of Puglia were lamenting for their blood 10/Shed by the Romans and the lingering war That of the rings made such illustrious spoils, As Livy has recorded, who errs not, With those who felt the agony of blows By making counterstand to Robert Guiscard, And all the rest, whose bones are gathered still At Ceperano, where a renegade Was each Apulian, and at Tagliacozzo, Where without arms the old Alardo conquered, And one his limb transpierced, and one lopped off, 20/Should show, it would be nothing to compare With the disgusting mode of the ninth Bolgia. A cask by losing centre-piece or cant Was never shattered so, as I saw one Rent from the chin to where one breaketh wind. Between his legs were hanging down his entrails; His heart was visible, and the dismal sack That maketh excrement of what is eaten. While I was all absorbed in seeing him, He looked at me, and opened with his hands 30/His bosom, saying: 'See now how I rend me; How mutilated, see, is Mahomet; In front of me doth Ali weeping go, Cleft in the face from forelock unto chin; And all the others whom thou here beholdest, Disseminators of scandal and of schism While living were, and therefore are cleft thus. A devil is behind here, who doth cleave us Thus cruelly, unto the falchion's edge Putting again each one of all this ream, 40/When we have gone around the doleful road; By reason that our wounds are closed again Ere any one in front of him repass. But who art thou, that musest on the crag, Perchance to postpone going to the pain That is adjudged upon thine accusations?' 'He's not dead yet, and he's not a sinner,' My Master made reply, 'here for punishment; He's just here for the sightseeing. I, on the other hand, am dead, his guide. 50/I'm showing him the ropes of the place; Because God asked me to do this favor.' More than a hundred were there when they heard him, Who in the moat stood still to look at me, Through wonderment oblivious of their torture. 'Now say to Fra Dolcino, then, to arm him, Thou, who perhaps wilt shortly see the sun, If soon he wish not here to follow me, So with provisions, that no stress of snow May give the victory to the Novarese, 60/Which otherwise to gain would not be easy.' After one foot to go away he lifted, This word did Mahomet say unto me, Then to depart upon the ground he stretched it. Another one, who had his throat pierced through, And nose cut off close underneath the brows, And had no longer but a single ear, Staying to look in wonder with the others, Before the others did his gullet open, Which outwardly was red in every part, 70/And said: 'O thou, whom guilt doth not condemn, And whom I once saw up in Latian land, Unless too great similitude deceive me, Call to remembrance Pier da Medicina, If e'er thou see again the lovely plain That from Vercelli slopes to Marcabo, And make it known to the best two of Fano, To Messer Guido and Angiolello likewise, That if foreseeing here be not in vain, Cast over from their vessel shall they be, 80/And drowned near unto the Cattolica, By the betrayal of a tyrant fell. Between the isles of Cyprus and Majorca Neptune ne'er yet beheld so great a crime, Neither of pirates nor Argolic people. That traitor, who sees only with one eye, And holds the land, which some one here with me Would fain be fasting from the vision of, Will make them come unto a parley with him; Then will do so, that to Focara's wind 90/They will not stand in need of vow or prayer.' And I to him: 'Show to me and declare, If thou wouldst have me bear up news of thee, Who is this person of the bitter vision.' Then did he lay his hand upon the jaw Of one of his companions, and his mouth Oped, crying: 'This is he, and he speaks not. This one, being banished, every doubt submerged In Caesar by affirming the forearmed Always with detriment allowed delay.' 100/O how bewildered unto me appeared, With tongue asunder in his windpipe slit, Curio, who in speaking was so bold! And one, who both his hands dissevered had, The stumps uplifting through the murky air, So that the blood made horrible his face, Cried out: 'Thou shalt remember Mosca also, Who said, alas! 'A thing done has an end!' Which was an ill seed for the Tuscan people.' 'And death unto thy race,' thereto I added; 110/Whence he, accumulating woe on woe, Departed, like a person sad and crazed. But I remained to look upon the crowd; And saw a thing which I should be afraid, Without some further proof, even to recount, If it were not that conscience reassures me, That good companion which emboldens man Beneath the hauberk of its feeling pure. I truly saw, and still I seem to see it, A trunk without a head walk in like manner 120/As walked the others of the mournful herd. And by the hair it held the head dissevered, Hung from the hand in fashion of a lantern, And that upon us gazed and said: 'O me!' It of itself made to itself a lamp, And they were two in one, and one in two; How that can be, He knows who so ordains it. When it was come close to the bridge's foot, It lifted high its arm with all the head, To bring more closely unto us its words, 130/Which were: 'Behold now the sore penalty, Thou, who dost breathing go the dead beholding; Behold if any be as great as this. And so that thou may carry news of me, Know that Bertram de Born am I, the same Who gave to the Young King the evil comfort. I made the father and the son rebellious; Achitophel not more with Absalom And David did with his accursed goadings. Because I parted persons so united, 140/Parted do I now bear my brain, alas! From its beginning, which is in this trunk. Thus is observed in me the counterpoise.' !CANTO XXIX. The many people and the divers wounds These eyes of mine had so inebriated, That they were wishful to stand still and weep; But said Randius: 'What are you still looking at? What is there possibly of interest Down in the writhing ghost-men? You never stared like this before now; We still have a long road to walk, Twenty-two miles yet to go! Hurry! 10/It's already past midnright! See the moon? We have only a short amount of time left, So come on buckaroo, we gotta jet.' 'If thou hadst,' I made answer thereupon, 'Attended to the cause for which I looked, Perhaps a longer stay thou wouldst have pardoned.' Meanwhile my Guide departed, and behind him I went, already making my reply, And superadding: 'In that cavern where I held mine eyes with such attention fixed, 20/I think a spirit of my blood laments The sin which down below there costs so much.' Then said the Master: 'Don't think about it. Keep your eyes on the prize and move on; He isn't going anywhere, and you are; That is one of the advantages of being alive, You get to go to other places than this one And don't have to be stuck in one location. Just think of the places you could go! Albania, Morocco, Thailand, Space. Space! 30/You could go to Space!  Space is the place.' 'O my Conductor, his own violent death, Which is not yet avenged for him,' I said, 'By any who is sharer in the shame, Made him disdainful; whence he went away, As I imagine, without speaking to me, And thereby made me pity him the more.' Thus did we speak as far as the first place Upon the crag, which the next valley shows Down to the bottom, if there were more light. 40/When we were now right over the last cloister Of Malebolge, so that its lay-brothers Could manifest themselves unto our sight, Divers lamentings pierced me through and through, Which with compassion had their arrows barbed, Whereat mine ears I covered with my hands. What pain would be, if from the hospitals Of Valdichiana, 'twixt July and September, And of Maremma and Sardinia All the diseases in one moat were gathered, 50/Such was it here, and such a stench came from it As from putrescent limbs is wont to issue. We had descended on the furthest bank From the long crag, upon the left hand still, And then more vivid was my power of sight Down tow'rds the bottom, where the ministress Of the high Lord, Justice infallible, Punishes forgers, which she here records. I do not think a sadder sight to see Was in Aegina the whole people sick, 60/(When was the air so full of pestilence, The animals, down to the little worm, All fell, and afterwards the ancient people, According as the poets have affirmed, Were from the seed of ants restored again,) Than was it to behold through that dark valley The spirits languishing in divers heaps. This on the belly, that upon the back One of the other lay, and others crawling Shifted themselves along the dismal road. 70/We step by step went onward without speech, Gazing upon and listening to the sick Who had not strength enough to lift their bodies. I saw two sitting leaned against each other, As leans in heating platter against platter, From head to foot bespotted o'er with scabs; And never saw I plied a currycomb By stable-boy for whom his master waits, Or him who keeps awake unwillingly, As every one was plying fast the bite 80/Of nails upon himself, for the great rage Of itching which no other succour had. And the nails downward with them dragged the scab, In fashion as a knife the scales of bream, Or any other fish that has them largest. 'Hey you!  Yeah, yous with the fingers,' Began my Leader unto one of them, 'The finger-guys who pinch sometimes, Are any of you Italians by chance? My buddy here likes talking to Italians, 90/Not that he's racist or anything.' 'Latians are we, whom thou so wasted seest, Both of us here,' one weeping made reply; 'But who art thou, that questionest about us?' And said the Guide: 'I am the Macho Man! With boldness I leap from cliff to cliff, And I intend to show Hell to this guy.' Then broken was their mutual support, And trembling each one turned himself to me, With others who had heard him by rebound. 100/Wholly to me did the good Master gather, Saying: 'Now you can talk to them.' And I began, since he would have it so: 'So may your memory not steal away In the first world from out the minds of men, But so may it survive 'neath many suns, Say to me who ye are, and of what people; Let not your foul and loathsome punishment Make you afraid to show yourselves to me.' 'I of Arezzo was,' one made reply, 110/'And Albert of Siena had me burned; But what I died for does not bring me here. 'Tis true I said to him, speaking in jest, That I could rise by flight into the air, And he who had conceit, but little wit, Would have me show to him the art; and only Because no Daedalus I made him, made me Be burned by one who held him as his son. But unto the last Bolgia of the ten, For alchemy, which in the world I practised, 120/Minos, who cannot err, has me condemned.' And to the Poet said I: 'Now was ever So vain a people as the Sienese? Not for a certainty the French by far.' Whereat the other leper, who had heard me, Replied unto my speech: 'Taking out Stricca, Who knew the art of moderate expenses, And Niccolo, who the luxurious use Of cloves discovered earliest of all Within that garden where such seed takes root; 130/And taking out the band, among whom squandered Caccia d'Ascian his vineyards and vast woods, And where his wit the Abbagliato proffered! But, that thou know who thus doth second thee Against the Sienese, make sharp thine eye Tow'rds me, so that my face well answer thee, And thou shalt see I am Capocchio's shade, Who metals falsified by alchemy; Thou must remember, if I well descry thee, How I a skilful ape of nature was.' !CANTO XXX. 'Twas at the time when Juno was enraged, For Semele, against the Theban blood, As she already more than once had shown, So reft of reason Athamas became, That, seeing his own wife with children twain Walking encumbered upon either hand, He cried: 'Spread out the nets, that I may take The lioness and her whelps upon the passage;' And then extended his unpitying claws, 10/Seizing the first, who had the name Learchus, And whirled him round, and dashed him on a rock; And she, with the other burthen, drowned herself;-- And at the time when fortune downward hurled The Trojan's arrogance, that all things dared, So that the king was with his kingdom crushed, Hecuba sad, disconsolate, and captive, When lifeless she beheld Polyxena, And of her Polydorus on the shore Of ocean was the dolorous one aware, 20/Out of her senses like a dog she barked, So much the anguish had her mind distorted; But not of Thebes the furies nor the Trojan Were ever seen in any one so cruel In goading beasts, and much more human members, As I beheld two shadows pale and naked, Who, biting, in the manner ran along That a boar does, when from the sty turned loose. One to Capocchio came, and by the nape Seized with its teeth his neck, so that in dragging 30/It made his belly grate the solid bottom. And the Aretine, who trembling had remained, Said to me: 'That mad sprite is Gianni Schicchi, And raving goes thus harrying other people.' 'O,' said I to him, 'so may not the other Set teeth on thee, let it not weary thee To tell us who it is, ere it dart hence.' And he to me: 'That is the ancient ghost Of the nefarious Myrrha, who became Beyond all rightful love her father's lover. 40/She came to sin with him after this manner, By counterfeiting of another's form; As he who goeth yonder undertook, That he might gain the lady of the herd, To counterfeit in himself Buoso Donati, Making a will and giving it due form.' And after the two maniacs had passed On whom I held mine eye, I turned it back To look upon the other evil-born. I saw one made in fashion of a lute, 50/If he had only had the groin cut off Just at the point at which a man is forked. The heavy dropsy, that so disproportions The limbs with humours, which it ill concocts, That the face corresponds not to the belly, Compelled him so to hold his lips apart As does the hectic, who because of thirst One tow'rds the chin, the other upward turns. 'O ye, who without any torment are, And why I know not, in the world of woe,' 60/He said to us, 'behold, and be attentive Unto the misery of Master Adam; I had while living much of what I wished, And now, alas! a drop of water crave. The rivulets, that from the verdant hills Of Cassentin descend down into Arno, Making their channels to be cold and moist, Ever before me stand, and not in vain; For far more doth their image dry me up Than the disease which strips my face of flesh. 70/The rigid justice that chastises me Draweth occasion from the place in which I sinned, to put the more my sighs in flight. There is Romena, where I counterfeited The currency imprinted with the Baptist, For which I left my body burned above. But if I here could see the tristful soul Of Guido, or Alessandro, or their brother, For Branda's fount I would not give the sight. One is within already, if the raving 80/Shades that are going round about speak truth; But what avails it me, whose limbs are tied? If I were only still so light, that in A hundred years I could advance one inch, I had already started on the way, Seeking him out among this squalid folk, Although the circuit be eleven miles, And be not less than half a mile across. For them am I in such a family; They did induce me into coining florins, 90/Which had three carats of impurity.' And I to him: 'Who are the two poor wretches That smoke like unto a wet hand in winter, Lying there close upon thy right-hand confines?' 'I found them here,' replied he, 'when I rained Into this chasm, and since they have not turned, Nor do I think they will for evermore. One the false woman is who accused Joseph, The other the false Sinon, Greek of Troy; From acute fever they send forth such reek.' 100/And one of them, who felt himself annoyed At being, peradventure, named so darkly, Smote with the fist upon his hardened paunch. It gave a sound, as if it were a drum; And Master Adam smote him in the face, With arm that did not seem to be less hard, Saying to him: 'Although be taken from me All motion, for my limbs that heavy are, I have an arm unfettered for such need.' Whereat he answer made: 'When thou didst go 110/Unto the fire, thou hadst it not so ready: But hadst it so and more when thou wast coining.' The dropsical: 'Thou sayest true in that; But thou wast not so true a witness there, Where thou wast questioned of the truth at Troy.' 'If I spake false, thou falsifiedst the coin,' Said Sinon; 'and for one fault I am here, And thou for more than any other demon.' 'Remember, perjurer, about the horse,' He made reply who had the swollen belly, 120/'And rueful be it thee the whole world knows it.' 'Rueful to thee the thirst be wherewith cracks Thy tongue,' the Greek said, 'and the putrid water That hedges so thy paunch before thine eyes.' Then the false-coiner: 'So is gaping wide Thy mouth for speaking evil, as 'tis wont; Because if I have thirst, and humour stuff me Thou hast the burning and the head that aches, And to lick up the mirror of Narcissus Thou wouldst not want words many to invite thee.' 130/In listening to them was I wholly fixed, When said the Master to me: 'Just look, Don't speak, or I'll get mad at you.' When him I heard in anger speak to me, I turned me round towards him with such shame That still it eddies through my memory. And as he is who dreams of his own harm, Who dreaming wishes it may be a dream, So that he craves what is, as if it were not; Such I became, not having power to speak, 140/For to excuse myself I wished, and still Excused myself, and did not think I did it. 'People have felt less bad over worse sins,' The Master said, 'than you have committed; So don't beat yourself up about it, Remember that the Macho Man is beside you, And that while we are together all is well Take this knowledge and with it be secure; And in the future ignore boring gossipheads.' !CANTO XXXI. One and the selfsame tongue first wounded me, So that it tinged the one cheek and the other, And then held out to me the medicine; Thus do I hear that once Achilles' spear, His and his father's, used to be the cause First of a sad and then a gracious boon. We turned our backs upon the wretched valley, Upon the bank that girds it round about, Going across it without any speech. 10/There it was less than night, and less than day, So that my sight went little in advance; But I could hear the blare of a loud horn, So loud it would have made each thunder faint, Which, counter to it following its way, Mine eyes directed wholly to one place. After the dolorous discomfiture When Charlemagne the holy emprise lost, So terribly Orlando sounded not. Short while my head turned thitherward I held 20/When many lofty towers I seemed to see, Whereat I: 'Master, say, what town is this?' And he to me: 'You're looking far ahead Into what is deep and black darkness, I think you don't know what you see. When we get there you will find out, How wrong you are about what you see; So I'll say yet again: keep moving.' Then tenderly he took me by the hand, And said: 'Before we go any further, 30/To prep you for what is coming up, I'm going to tell you right now what to expect, Those things are giants yo, not towers. They're huge.  Don't mess with them.' As, when the fog is vanishing away, Little by little doth the sight refigure Whate'er the mist that crowds the air conceals, So, piercing through the dense and darksome air, More and more near approaching tow'rd the verge, My error fled, and fear came over me; 40/Because as on its circular parapets Montereggione crowns itself with towers, E'en thus the margin which surrounds the well With one half of their bodies turreted The horrible giants, whom Jove menaces E'en now from out the heavens when he thunders. And I of one already saw the face, Shoulders, and breast, and great part of the belly, And down along his sides both of the arms. Certainly Nature, when she left the making 50/Of animals like these, did well indeed, By taking such executors from Mars; And if of elephants and whales she doth not Repent her, whosoever looketh subtly More just and more discreet will hold her for it; For where the argument of intellect Is added unto evil will and power, No rampart can the people make against it. His face appeared to me as long and large As is at Rome the pine-cone of Saint Peter's, 60/And in proportion were the other bones; So that the margin, which an apron was Down from the middle, showed so much of him Above it, that to reach up to his hair Three Frieslanders in vain had vaunted them; For I beheld thirty great palms of him Down from the place where man his mantle buckles. 'Raphael mai amech izabi almi,' Began to clamour the ferocious mouth, To which were not befitting sweeter psalms. 70/And unto him my Guide: 'Idiot soul, Get away from us and blow your horn, Whenever you are feeling out of sorts. It's hanging around your neck, you fool I know you're too stupid to remember this, But if you look down you'll surely find it.' Then said to me: 'This guy is The Worst; His name is Nimrod and he lives up to it. He barely is able to understand words. Don't bother talking to him, it's pointless; 80/He will probably just get mad and confused That's what always happens. I would know.' Therefore a longer journey did we make, Turned to the left, and a crossbow-shot oft We found another far more fierce and large. In binding him, who might the master be I cannot say; but he had pinioned close Behind the right arm, and in front the other, With chains, that held him so begirt about From the neck down, that on the part uncovered 90/It wound itself as far as the fifth gyre. 'This cocky fellow decided to pick a fight And pit his own strength against Jupiter,' My Leader said, 'the God, not the planet. Ephialtes is his name; and he was strong. But not strong enough to defeat Zeus; So now he's chained here like a sucker.' And I to him: 'If possible, I should wish That of the measureless Briareus These eyes of mine might have experience.' 100/Whence he replied: 'You'll get to see Antaeus He's close by and free to speak with us, Lucky for him he never was chained up. Further past him is the one you mentioned, He is bound, much like Ephialtes here, Except Briareus is way more fearsome.' There never was an earthquake of such might That it could shake a tower so violently, As Ephialtes suddenly shook himself. Then was I more afraid of death than ever, 110/For nothing more was needful than the fear, If I had not beheld the manacles. Then we proceeded farther in advance, And to Antaeus came, who, full five ells Without the head, forth issued from the cavern. 'Hey Antaeus buddy, long time no see! How's it going down here?  Still sucky? That's a shame. Look, this here is Dante. I'm guiding his sorry rear through Hell, And we need a little bit of help from you. 120/Do you think you could lend us a hand? It would take us a long time of traveling Whereas if you could grap and pick us up, We could make some really excellent time. Don't forget that you owe me Antaeus, I never collected on last month's poker game; And if you do this for us I'll call us square. Plus there's something in it for you as well; This guy is alive; when he goes back to Earth, He'll totally tell everybody how cool you are.' 130/So said the Master; and in haste the other His hands extended and took up my Guide,-- Hands whose great pressure Hercules once felt. Virgilius, when he felt himself embraced, Said unto me: 'Come on buddy, grab my hand;' Then of himself and me one bundle made. As seems the Carisenda, to behold Beneath the leaning side, when goes a cloud Above it so that opposite it hangs; Such did Antaeus seem to me, who stood 140/Watching to see him stoop, and then it was I could have wished to go some other way. But lightly in the abyss, which swallows up Judas with Lucifer, he put us down; Nor thus bowed downward made he there delay, But, as a mast does in a ship, uprose. !CANTO XXXII. If I had rhymes both rough and stridulous, As were appropriate to the dismal hole Down upon which thrust all the other rocks, I would press out the juice of my conception More fully; but because I have them not, Not without fear I bring myself to speak; For 'tis no enterprise to take in jest, To sketch the bottom of all the universe, Nor for a tongue that cries Mamma and Babbo. 10/But may those Ladies help this verse of mine, Who helped Amphion in enclosing Thebes, That from the fact the word be not diverse. O rabble ill-begotten above all, Who're in the place to speak of which is hard, 'Twere better ye had here been sheep or goats! When we were down within the darksome well, Beneath the giant's feet, but lower far, And I was scanning still the lofty wall, I heard it said to me: 'Look how thou steppest! 20/Take heed thou do not trample with thy feet The heads of the tired, miserable brothers!' Whereat I turned me round, and saw before me And underfoot a lake, that from the frost The semblance had of glass, and not of water. So thick a veil ne'er made upon its current In winter-time Danube in Austria, Nor there beneath the frigid sky the Don, As there was here; so that if Tambernich Had fallen upon it, or Pietrapana, 30/E'en at the edge 'twould not have given a creak. And as to croak the frog doth place himself With muzzle out of water,--when is dreaming Of gleaning oftentimes the peasant-girl,-- Livid, as far down as where shame appears, Were the disconsolate shades within the ice, Setting their teeth unto the note of storks. Each one his countenance held downward bent; From mouth the cold, from eyes the doleful heart Among them witness of itself procures. 40/When round about me somewhat I had looked, I downward turned me, and saw two so close, The hair upon their heads together mingled. 'Ye who so strain your breasts together, tell me,' I said, 'who are you;' and they bent their necks, And when to me their faces they had lifted, Their eyes, which first were only moist within, Gushed o'er the eyelids, and the frost congealed The tears between, and locked them up again. Clamp never bound together wood with wood 50/So strongly; whereat they, like two he-goats, Butted together, so much wrath o'ercame them. And one, who had by reason of the cold Lost both his ears, still with his visage downward, Said: 'Why dost thou so mirror thyself in us? If thou desire to know who these two are, The valley whence Bisenzio descends Belonged to them and to their father Albert. They from one body came, and all Caina Thou shalt search through, and shalt not find a shade 60/More worthy to be fixed in gelatine; Not he in whom were broken breast and shadow At one and the same blow by Arthur's hand; Focaccia not; not he who me encumbers So with his head I see no farther forward, And bore the name of Sassol Mascheroni; Well knowest thou who he was, if thou art Tuscan. And that thou put me not to further speech, Know that I Camicion de' Pazzi was, And wait Carlino to exonerate me.' 70/Then I beheld a thousand faces, made Purple with cold; whence o'er me comes a shudder, And evermore will come, at frozen ponds. And while we were advancing tow'rds the middle, Where everything of weight unites together, And I was shivering in the eternal shade, Whether 'twere will, or destiny, or chance, I know not; but in walking 'mong the heads I struck my foot hard in the face of one. Weeping he growled: 'Why dost thou trample me? 80/Unless thou comest to increase the vengeance of Montaperti, why dost thou molest me?' And I: 'My Master, now wait here for me, That I through him may issue from a doubt; Then thou mayst hurry me, as thou shalt wish.' The Leader stopped; and to that one I said Who was blaspheming vehemently still: 'Who art thou, that thus reprehendest others?' 'Now who art thou, that goest through Antenora Smiting,' replied he, 'other people's cheeks, 90/So that, if thou wert living, 'twere too much?' 'Living I am, and dear to thee it may be,' Was my response, 'if thou demandest fame, That 'mid the other notes thy name I place.' And he to me: 'For the reverse I long; Take thyself hence, and give me no more trouble; For ill thou knowest to flatter in this hollow.' Then by the scalp behind I seized upon him, And said: 'It must needs be thou name thyself, Or not a hair remain upon thee here.' 100/Whence he to me: 'Though thou strip off my hair, I will not tell thee who I am, nor show thee, If on my head a thousand times thou fall.' I had his hair in hand already twisted, And more than one shock of it had pulled out, He barking, with his eyes held firmly down, When cried another: 'What doth ail thee, Bocca? Is't not enough to clatter with thy jaws, But thou must bark? what devil touches thee?' 'Now,' said I, 'I care not to have thee speak, 110/Accursed traitor; for unto thy shame I will report of thee veracious news.' 'Begone,' replied he, 'and tell what thou wilt, But be not silent, if thou issue hence, Of him who had just now his tongue so prompt; He weepeth here the silver of the French; 'I saw,' thus canst thou phrase it, 'him of Duera There where the sinners stand out in the cold.' If thou shouldst questioned be who else was there, Thou hast beside thee him of Beccaria, 120/Of whom the gorget Florence slit asunder; Gianni del Soldanier, I think, may be Yonder with Ganellon, and Tebaldello Who oped Faenza when the people slep.' Already we had gone away from him, When I beheld two frozen in one hole, So that one head a hood was to the other; And even as bread through hunger is devoured, The uppermost on the other set his teeth, There where the brain is to the nape united. 130/Not in another fashion Tydeus gnawed The temples of Menalippus in disdain, Than that one did the skull and the other things. 'O thou, who showest by such bestial sign Thy hatred against him whom thou art eating, Tell me the wherefore,' said I, 'with this compact, That if thou rightfully of him complain, In knowing who ye are, and his transgression, I in the world above repay thee for it, If that wherewith I speak be not dried up.' !CANTO XXXIII. His mouth uplifted from his grim repast, That sinner, wiping it upon the hair Of the same head that he behind had wasted. Then he began: 'Thou wilt that I renew The desperate grief, which wrings my heart already To think of only, ere I speak of it; But if my words be seed that may bear fruit Of infamy to the traitor whom I gnaw, Speaking and weeping shalt thou see together. 10/I know not who thou art, nor by what mode Thou hast come down here; but a Florentine Thou seemest to me truly, when I hear thee. Thou hast to know I was Count Ugolino, And this one was Ruggieri the Archbishop; Now I will tell thee why I am such a neighbour. That, by effect of his malicious thoughts, Trusting in him I was made prisoner, And after put to death, I need not say; But ne'ertheless what thou canst not have heard, 20/That is to say, how cruel was my death, Hear shalt thou, and shalt know if he has wronged me. A narrow perforation in the mew, Which bears because of me the title of Famine, And in which others still must be locked up, Had shown me through its opening many moons Already, when I dreamed the evil dream Which of the future rent for me the veil. This one appeared to me as lord and master, Hunting the wolf and whelps upon the mountain 30/For which the Pisans cannot Lucca see. With sleuth-hounds gaunt, and eager, and well trained, Gualandi with Sismondi and Lanfianchi He had sent out before him to the front. After brief course seemed unto me forespent The father and the sons, and with sharp tushes It seemed to me I saw their flanks ripped open. When I before the morrow was awake, Moaning amid their sleep I heard my sons Who with me were, and asking after bread. 40/Cruel indeed art thou, if yet thou grieve not, Thinking of what my heart foreboded me, And weep'st thou not, what art thou wont to weep at? They were awake now, and the hour drew nigh At which our food used to be brought to us, And through his dream was each one apprehensive; And I heard locking up the under door Of the horrible tower; whereat without a word I gazed into the faces of my sons. I wept not, I within so turned to stone; 50/They wept; and darling little Anselm mine Said: 'Thou dost gaze so, father, what doth ail thee?' Still not a tear I shed, nor answer made All of that day, nor yet the night thereafter, Until another sun rose on the world. As now a little glimmer made its way Into the dolorous prison, and I saw Upon four faces my own very aspect, Both of my hands in agony I bit; And, thinking that I did it from desire 60/Of eating, on a sudden they uprose, And said they: 'Father, much less pain 'twill give us If thou do eat of us; thyself didst clothe us With this poor flesh, and do thou strip it off.' I calmed me then, not to make them more sad. That day we all were silent, and the next. Ah! obdurate earth, wherefore didst thou not open? When we had come unto the fourth day, Gaddo Threw himself down outstretched before my feet, Saying, 'My father, why dost thou not help me?' 70/And there he died; and, as thou seest me, I saw the three fall, one by one, between The fifth day and the sixth; whence I betook me, Already blind, to groping over each, And three days called them after they were dead; Then hunger did what sorrow could not do.' When he had said this, with his eyes distorted, The wretched skull resumed he with his teeth, Which, as a dog's, upon the bone were strong. Ah! Pisa, thou opprobrium of the people 80/Of the fair land there where the 'Si' doth sound, Since slow to punish thee thy neighbours are, Let the Capraia and Gorgona move, And make a hedge across the mouth of Arno That every person in thee it may drown! For if Count Ugolino had the fame Of having in thy castles thee betrayed, Thou shouldst not on such cross have put his sons. Guiltless of any crime, thou modern Thebes! Their youth made Uguccione and Brigata, 90/And the other two my song doth name above! We passed still farther onward, where the ice Another people ruggedly enswathes, Not downward turned, but all of them reversed. Weeping itself there does not let them weep, And grief that finds a barrier in the eyes Turns itself inward to increase the anguish; Because the earliest tears a cluster form, And, in the manner of a crystal visor, Fill all the cup beneath the eyebrow full. 100/And notwithstanding that, as in a callus, Because of cold all sensibility Its station had abandoned in my face, Still it appeared to me I felt some wind; Whence I: 'My Master, who sets this in motion? Is not below here every vapour quenched?' Whence he to me: 'Very soon you'll know. You will see with your own eyes the answer, And know the source of the frigid winds.' And one of the wretches of the frozen crust 110/Cried out to us: 'O souls so merciless That the last post is given unto you, Lift from mine eyes the rigid veils, that I May vent the sorrow which impregns my heart A little, e'er the weeping recongeal.' Whence I to him: 'If thou wouldst have me help thee Say who thou wast; and if I free thee not, May I go to the bottom of the ice.' Then he replied: 'I am Friar Alberigo; He am I of the fruit of the bad garden, 120/Who here a date am getting for my fig.' 'O,' said I to him, 'now art thou, too, dead?' And he to me: 'How may my body fare Up in the world, no knowledge I possess. Such an advantage has this Ptolomaea, That oftentimes the soul descendeth here Sooner than Atropos in motion sets it. And, that thou mayest more willingly remove From off my countenance these glassy tears, Know that as soon as any soul betrays 130/As I have done, his body by a demon Is taken from him, who thereafter rules it, Until his time has wholly been revolved. Itself down rushes into such a cistern; And still perchance above appears the body Of yonder shade, that winters here behind me. This thou shouldst know, if thou hast just come down; It is Ser Branca d' Oria, and many years Have passed away since he was thus locked up.' 'I think,' said I to him, 'thou dost deceive me; 140/For Branca d' Oria is not dead as yet, And eats, and drinks, and sleeps, and puts on clothes.' 'In moat above,' said he, 'of Malebranche, There where is boiling the tenacious pitch, As yet had Michel Zanche not arrived, When this one left a devil in his stead In his own body and one near of kin, Who made together with him the betrayal. But hitherward stretch out thy hand forthwith, Open mine eyes;'--and open them I did not, 150/And to be rude to him was courtesy. Ah, Genoese! ye men at variance With every virtue, full of every vice Wherefore are ye not scattered from the world? For with the vilest spirit of Romagna I found of you one such, who for his deeds In soul already in Cocytus bathes, And still above in body seems alive! !CANTO XXXIV. 'Now we are in the pit of Hell, Now look at what lies at the core,' My Master said, 'if you can see him.' As, when there breathes a heavy fog, or when Our hemisphere is darkening into night, Appears far off a mill the wind is turning, Methought that such a building then I saw; And, for the wind, I drew myself behind My Guide, because there was no other shelter. 10/Now was I, and with fear in verse I put it, There where the shades were wholly covered up, And glimmered through like unto straws in glass. Some prone are lying, others stand erect, This with the head, and that one with the soles; Another, bow-like, face to feet inverts. When in advance so far we had proceeded, That it my Master pleased to show to me The creature who once had the beauteous semblance, He from before me moved and made me stop, 20/Saying: 'Look upon the core of Hell, And summon your most Macho of spirits!' How frozen I became and powerless then, Ask it not, Reader, for I write it not, Because all language would be insufficient. I did not die, and I alive remained not; Think for thyself now, hast thou aught of wit, What I became, being of both deprived. The Emperor of the kingdom dolorous From his mid-breast forth issued from the ice; 30/And better with a giant I compare Than do the giants with those arms of his; Consider now how great must be that whole, Which unto such a part conforms itself. Were he as fair once, as he now is foul, And lifted up his brow against his Maker, Well may proceed from him all tribulation. O, what a marvel it appeared to me, When I beheld three faces on his head! The one in front, and that vermilion was; 40/Two were the others, that were joined with this Above the middle part of either shoulder, And they were joined together at the crest; And the right-hand one seemed 'twixt white and yellow; The left was such to look upon as those Who come from where the Nile falls valley-ward. Underneath each came forth two mighty wings, Such as befitting were so great a bird; Sails of the sea I never saw so large. No feathers had they, but as of a bat 50/Their fashion was; and he was waving them, So that three winds proceeded forth therefrom. Thereby Cocytus wholly was congealed. With six eyes did he weep, and down three chins Trickled the tear-drops and the bloody drivel. At every mouth he with his teeth was crunching A sinner, in the manner of a brake, So that he three of them tormented thus. To him in front the biting was as naught Unto the clawing, for sometimes the spine 60/Utterly stripped of all the skin remained. 'That soul up there which has the greatest pain,' The Master said, 'is Judas Iscariot; You cna probably figure out why. If you look a little lower in the mouth, You can see a fellow hanging; that's Brutus. The way he writhes shows he must be in pain. The third one there is Cassius. See him? But the night is almost over now, yes? We need to press on. You've seen it all.' 70/As seemed him good, I clasped him round the neck, And he the vantage seized of time and place, And when the wings were opened wide apart, He laid fast hold upon the shaggy sides; From fell to fell descended downward then Between the thick hair and the frozen crust. When we were come to where the thigh revolves Exactly on the thickness of the haunch, The Guide, with labour and with hard-drawn breath, Turned round his head where he had had his legs, 80/And grappled to the hair, as one who mounts, So that to Hell I thought we were returning. 'Hold on tight and make sure not to slip,' The Master said, panting as one fatigued, 'We are leaving the center of evil behind.' Then through the opening of a rock he issued, And down upon the margin seated me; Then tow'rds me he outstretched his wary step. I lifted up mine eyes and thought to see Lucifer in the same way I had left him; 90/And I beheld him upward hold his legs. And if I then became disquieted, Let stolid people think who do not see What the point is beyond which I had passed. 'Rise up,' the Master said, 'on your feet; The way is long, and the road is hard, And the sun is now rising in the sky.' It was not any palace corridor There where we were, but dungeon natural, With floor uneven and unease of light. 100/'Ere from the abyss I tear myself away, My Master,' said I when I had arisen, 'To draw me from an error speak a little; Where is the ice? and how is this one fixed Thus upside down? and how in such short time From eve to morn has the sun made his transit?' And he to me: 'A wizard did it.' A place there is below, from Beelzebub As far receding as the tomb extends, Which not by sight is known, but by the sound 110/Of a small rivulet, that there descendeth Through chasm within the stone, which it has gnawed With course that winds about and slightly falls. The Guide and I into that hidden road Now entered, to return to the bright world; And without care of having any rest We mounted up, he first and I the second, Till I beheld through a round aperture Some of the beauteous things that Heaven doth bear; Thence we came forth to rebehold the stars.

[obsessionsposts]

🔪Yan! 2p Italy hc's🥀:

T.W : Heavy description of tortures /non-con use of drugs / implied non-con / Dead dove: Do not eat / abuse/ Brainwashing / mental illness < I do not romanticize nor degrade it, if portrayed incorrectly I'll fix it > neglect / obsessive behavior / unhealthy behavior / Luciano himself / generally really really dark shit not for feint of heart.

X - First sighting: In a Nightclub, which was hosted by a rival mafia. His goal was to take care of his enemy,lest he ruins his "business".

Yet, He didn't find his prey. Frustrated and vexed, Luciano strode hurriedly pushing anyone in his way. However, He didn't expected to be called out by.... ,at first he thought a measle, a divine lady such as you.

At least, this failed ploy brought him a new bird for his enjoyment ; that will be inserted into a cage that she will never ever leave.

X- Infatuation: Her figure burned in his mind, Her fragrance stung his nose, Her sharp arched eyes haunts his dreams, and.......her mellifluous voice along with her gallant actions has attracted him so so badly.

Luciano hadn't an ounce of sleep since then,but was preoccupied planning to cage his only one. Smirking and laughing dauntly at the idea of possessing an angel, or much preferable a songbird that will sing a song of praise and adoration for him. Only him.

Yandere type: Possessive,Sadistic,Controlling.

Luciano values power above anything else , and that extend to his s/o. Anything that cements him power over his s/o , i.e. : marriage, is granted to happen whether the s/o has a choice is up to debate.

Another thing, he will nitpick his s/o willpower; so he could relish his power through this torment.

Speaking of torments, by god any misconduct - small or big - will be chastised through many forms of tortures.

Luciano is a major sadist (Not the worst,but bad enough to declare him as the second worst) and he gets off from the cries,screams, and begging from his pretty little pet ~ .

If anything, he anticipate her disobedience; so he could see the terrific fear running amok in her irises. Oh~ such a turn on and mark of possession.

Prepare to be dictated by a tyrant charismatic man who does see you as an object to fulfil his megalomanic fantasies cherishes and adore you to a degree that you're not aware enough; so much that he will buy the world for your whims .From your everyday clothes to your behaviour will fit his sick visionary criteria of an exhilarating trapped prisoner lady.

But, worry not you're irreplaceable to him. Aren't you happy to receive the recognition and courtesy of a man with high calibre as Luciano. You deserve only the best, and he is the best for you. Luciano will make sure of it.

X- Method of stalking and frequency of it ? Frankly, he is most likely to be busy, so he'll send his men to 'observe' you. However, if otherwise he will come and play on your fears giving you the false sense of security. Then he will take you out into a new world,where you'll be spoiled as long as you don't disobey him.

X- How do they treat their s/o ?

More of an object, where he can project all his desire on. But, that doesn't mean he doesn't care for you. If anything he truly does, however not in the conventional sense. More so the s/o is obedient, Luciano will mellow down and be much less paranoid and fanatical.

On these day, he will be much courteous and kind enough to let his darling out on a picnic,library, museums,etc....... . Also, they will drown in his wealth,company, and anything they wished for as long as she submits herself completely to him as he did to her.

+ Nickname for their s/o?

Anything that indicates possession over s/o and elegant names that suits his glorious s/o. Ex: My nightingale - My songbird - Mio amore- My dove - My Juliet, My bitch, mockingbird,etc....

Punishments:

Little Nightingale has been naughty! that simply won't do. Well, you forced his hands for what's going to occur to you now. However, Luciano is delighted to put both his best loved in action ; that is his expertise in torment and his treasure.

Most of his torture consists of physical, psychological, and slight sexual. However, he specializes and adores psychological because it relish his power and gives a boost to his narcasstic ego along with that the gorgeous cascade that runs from your engaging pupils and shrilling voice of a weeping angel.

Ego Fragmenting: This method consist of killling identity of oneself, usually by psychedelic drugs. Also, known as ego death. A process Luciano will make his darling undertake by forcing drugs that will eat slowly at her neurotransmitter such as: DMT,LSD,MDMA,and similar drugs. As it will alter her perception of reality making her valnurable - leaving her in a transcendence state- and in need of his assistant. Plus it's a sure way to kill a rebellious mockingbird.

Learned Helplessness: The process above will lead to this one which is another process,but worse.Learned helplessness is behavior exhibited by a subject after enduring repeated aversive stimuli beyond their control. After the s/o is subjected to different mindfucks and drugs she'll become more accepting and apathetic of what's happening to her rendering her from thinking of treason escape.

Classical Brainwashing: After his work of art is done. Luciano will start mending and twisting his s/o to make the greatest masterpiece of all. 'Now be a good little girl for me and sit in my lap and please me~. I know you in and out disobeying me will make me upset and you don't want that do you ~ ?'

Cat O' Nine: Luciano isn't above using this if you persist (somehow, by a will of a damn saint) even more and if you tried to escape. He'll beat out the common sense out of you until a rivulets of ruby-like substance come out of you. Lo and behold Such a wonderful sight ! (What a prick! If you ask me :/)

Degradation/non-con: By God, if s/o pissed him (mind you, he is short tempered. So, dont tread on thin ice)off beyond the breaking point...well...you're pretty fucked literally and figuratively. At this point, he pretty much take you without the consideration-no lubrication either-of your feeling because in the end you'll eat it like the fucking whore you are and you're his belonging whether you like or not. At this point, Luciano is self-indulgent and impulsive. (Basically, a sociopathic piece of shit. Good luck on escaping cause' you'll need it.) It is horrid as it is that he is paranoid enough that he locks his darling in a huge-ass bird cage and will deprive the comforts inside as punishment.

In Conclusion:

There is a saying that the apple never falls far from the tree. Well in this case, it true. The sadism and machiavellianism manifested form his grandfather,Titus, neglect and borderline-abusive parenting. As years grown, his condition got worse until he committed his first offence senicide to protect his brother and to gain the absolute power he always looked up for.

Despite the power he has, Luciano is much a coward when he lack his assists as he usually abuses his authority and sacrifice his pawns to gain whatever he want(instead of doing it himself). To put it simply a treacherous man-child throwing tempers.

His obessison for power and beauty stem from the poverty he and his brother suffered from his monster of a guardian. That's why his s/o boldness and that....enticing bodice brought the attention of a hungry-driven beast to a fierce doe.

Chances of escaping is low to diminished unless you're clever enough to trick the trickster himself. If by any miracle chance you did expect a multiple deaths in the area you're living and be arrested for a crime you've never committed. Plus, a raving monster the next day. Wonderful ! Is it not?!

He has a huge libidos, so good luck satisfying it. Most of the time,Luciano will take your consent apart from when he is in tantrums. In addition, before he have s/o, he used to have a flings and that stopped when he saw his beauty.

One of the most paranoid and fanatical yandere brought to you by detrimental childhood and not getting help™.

Unlike other yandere, Luciano lets his s/o come to him not the other way around by luring her into his heavenly trap. Also, Luciano is an excellent actor as he can hide his lecherous rage with his charming flirtatious attitude that is used as a mean to gain s/o before unveil how much of.... a bastard he is. A smooth bastard.

A behaving darling keeps the demon away ™.

"Then he slowly saw their nightmares were his dreams"

~ Monster by

Meg & Dia

A/n: I am sorry for the delay. Writer block is just horrendous. But, here you go hope you like it. Like usual pic doesn't belong to me.

[nakoujou]

Detention: One-Shot

In which Class A gets detention, and the only priority is to find out who got caught making out in the boys’ locker room (Crackfic, slight Todomomo, warning for lots of cursing).

---------------------

They had only wanted to escape the gruesome, summer heat. An innocent group text inviting everybody to sneak into U.A.’s swimming pool. It was supposed to be a chill kickback, just to lounge in the cooling sensation of the waters. 

But here they were on Sunday afternoon, stuck in their homeroom to write a 5 paragraph apology essay after Aizawa and Midnight caught them. Nobody wanted to be here, already struggling to deal with one of the hottest days of July. Midoriya wondered how many would actually complete the assignment. Half of them were already dozing off, defeated from the cruel heat waves seeping through the window.

Aizawa-sensei - already annoyed from the normal school week - entrusted supervision duties to the only other student worthy of disciplining his troublesome classmates and not ignoring curfew.

"This is an embarrassment to our class!” Iida yelled, unraveling the list of strikes. “Underage drinking, unsupervised Quirk battles, inappriopriate ki-”

And suddenly, everybody’s energy zapped right back at Iida’s loud gasp. It wasn’t like their Class President to halt in the middle of a lecture, clenching the paper.

Iida took a big gulp, lowering his head as his hands shivered. “’I-I-Inappropriate kissing in the boys’ locker room.”

Across all desks, Class A shared the same expression: wide eyes, jaws dropping, blood-curling screams blasting from their mouths. 

“KISSING??!!!”

“Are you shitting us?!” Ashido gasped. 

“Wait, everybody at the pool party is in detention right now,” Tsu pondered. “Which means...”

"WHICH FUCKER HERE GOT A HICKEY?!!” Kirishima screamed.

“H-Hickey?” Yaoyorozu gasped, covering her mouth. “W-W-Why-”

“So innocent, Yaoyorozu!” Sero teased her. “No guy takes you to the locker room without gunning for second base.” 

"W-Wait! We should be more respectful of the person. What if they’re not ready to talk about this?” Midoriya said. Whoever it was here, he couldn’t imagine the embarrassment they were feeling right now.

“We’re Class A! We’re family, and family tell each other everything!” Ochaco declared. “We need to know!”

“URARAKA HOW COULD YOU??!!” Midoriya wailed. He thought she would at least be on his side.

“We’re not that close,” Ojiro muttered. Except no one cared to admit that.

“Mou, which two lovebirds here got some good action?” Hagakure giggled.

“Everybody needs to calm down and resume the essay!”

“Come on, Iida, I bet you wanna know too.”

“This shit is fuckin’ stupid,” Bakugo groaned, head falling onto his desk.

“Let’s go to the boys’ locker, find a bra, and match it to the girls here!”

“Mineta, don’t be disrespectful! It’s rude to target only the girls!”

“Iida is right. And who’s to say it’s a hetero boy-girl relationship? We should be considerate of those feelings when we talk about this,” Yayaorozu trailed off, twiddling with her jacket sleeves.

“Yaomomo has a point,” Jiro replied. “Still...”

“It’s definitely a guy and girl in this room, mark my words!” Kamimari declared.  

“So that rules out Bakugo.”

“WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, EAR FREAK?! NOT LIKE I WANNA KISS YOU BITCHES ANYWAY!”

“Language, Bakugo! Especially when it comes to our fellow sisters!” Iida lectured.

“That’s right, we must cherish our sisters!”

“They ain’t sisters if we’re shoving our tongue down their throats,” Bakugo scoffed. Iida and the rest of the class glared at him.

“Well, it ain’t Uraraka cause Midoriya would faint,” Kamimari laughed.

“W-W-W-WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING???!!!!”

“M-m-m-m-m-me k-k-k-kiss--” Midoriya stuttered under his breath, avoiding any eye contact with Uraraka.

“I have a theory-”

“We don’t care, Bakugo.”

“FINE! GO WASTE THE HOUR WITHOUT ME, WORTHLESS EXTRAS!”

“It ain’t Ashido; she would have told everybody.”

“Ne, why are we so focused on the girls when it was in the boys’ locker room?”

“Tsu’s right,” Yaoyorozu complained. “Why don’t we start with the guys first?”

“They make a valid point,” Shoji replied. “Since it was our locker room, we need to interrogate the guys first.” 

“Let’s be real; which guy in this room actually has a chance to kiss, let alone makeout with a girl?” Tokoyami spoke for the first time. 

The room fell into a swift depression, with Kirishima, Bakugo, and Kamimaro glaring at him.

“That’s so cruel...” Yayaorozu tried to hold back a snicker. 

“Aren’t you speaking about yourself too?” Uraraka pointed out. Tokoyami shrugged. 

“Recognizing one’s weakness is the key to greatness.”

“YOU’RE SAYING NO GUY IN CLASS A HAS GAME?!!!”

“HOW COULD YOU BETRAY US, TOKOYAMI?!”

“I’LL GET ALL THE GIRLS TO PROVE YOU WRONG, BIRD SHIT!”

“Regardless of who it was, this is a highly inappropriate discussion. We should respect our friend’s privacy and get back to your essays.” 

“Iida, don’t be a buzzkill.”

“But seriously, which guy here did it?!”

“Not Aoyama; he only loves himself.”

“This is hard; Tokoyami is pretty right about the guys in our class,” Tsu sighed.

“Look, everybody,” Midoriya walked to the front of the class. “This is fun, but someone here may be dealing with feelings they’re not sure of. What if it’s a new relationship they don’t want to reveal yet? Plus, we’re now making fun of each other for being single.”

The shouting subsided, followed by slumber faces. Murmurs spread across the room, and Midoriya could hear their regretful tones among each other. Midoriya dared to glance over the Uraraka, who gave him an approving smile. He stood up straighter, spiked with a new confidence to face this ordeal. 

Yes, it is always right to protect someone...

 “If this class is family, the we have to act like one: Give them their space, and be there to support when they need us.”

“As expected from Midoriya...”

“Such a powerful speech!”

“It’s so much better than me, the person entrusted to lead Class A through good and bad! I have failed as your President!” Iida cried.

“So everybody’s given up, huh?”

Everybody turned back to Bakugo, sitting with his arms crossed and a grin that looked ready to unleash the next natural disaster.

“What do you gotta say, Bakugo?” Jiro snorted

“I dunno, will everybody finally trust my god-given talents?”

“Get on with it,” Shoji sighed.

Bakugo raised his hand to the ceiling, everybody rolling their eyes at his dramatics. Then, his pointer finger landed straight directly at...

“Yaoyorozu?!” Midoriya gasped. 

“Our Class VP?”

Yaoyorozu, however, did not flinch, She shook her head, unfazed. “Now you’re just being ridiculous.”

“I can see through your shit, rich girl.”

“It’s not funny, Bakugo! Yaoyorozu would never!” Uraraka defended her friend.

“Isn’t it obvious?! She’s been too diplomatic, playing peacekeeper but getting all riled up. Telling us to interrogate boys first so we wouldn’t suspect her. Also...” Bakugo grabbed his own shirt collar, lifting it slightly as he motioning towards Yaoyorozu. “Her jacket has been zipped up the whole time, and it’s a fuckin’ sauna in here. When does Ponytail ever cover up that much?”

Midoriya caught the first hint of red flush appearing across Yaoyorozu’s cheeks. Sweat beads begin to form on her forehead.

“W-W-Why does that m-matter?” Yaoyorozu scoffed, fiddling with her jacket collar. Strange how Midoriya didn’t notice that until now. As if she was hiding...

“Take off your jacket,” Bakugo demanded.

“THAT’S SO PERVY, BAKUGO!” 

"YES BAKUGO, BREAK HER BOOBS FREE-”

“YOU’RE THE LOWEST OF THEM ALL, MINETA!”

“SHUT UP! I DON’T CARE WHO BOUGIE PRINCESS MAKES OUT WITH, WHAT MATTER IS THAT I AM RIGHT!”

“OH MY GOD, BAKUGO HAS TO BE THE CULPRIT!”

“ONLY YOU WOULD SINK SO LOW TO ACCUSE YAOYOROZU!’

“DID NOBODY HEAR ME?! I HAVE REAL EVIDENCE!” 

“I bet he dragged Kirishima and Kamimari for a good three-”

“Stop!” Yaoyorozu cried. “it was me, OK?! Is everybody happy now? Can we not taunt Bakugo like that and just finish up detention in peace?” 

Yaoyorozu unziped her jacket and lo and behold, the evidence was there. A small, purple bruise...right on her neck. Midoriya couldn’t believe it; Yaoyorozu Momo had lured herself. Not only as a rule breaker, but something even more critical to this situation. If not, worsen the mood.

“WHO GAVE YOU THAT HICKY??!!!”

“WHICH FUCKER HERE GOT YAOYOROZU??!!”

“WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL THE GIRLS FIRST?”

“THIS JUST GOT WORSE!” 

“I WAS RIIIGGGGHHHHHTTTTT!!”

“AHHHH YAOMOMO HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!”

“YOU NEVER HAD A CHANCE, MINETA!”

“DON’T EVER UNDERESTIMATE ME AGAIN!”

“It wasn’t anybody here,” Yaoyorozu grumbled, avoiding everybody’s death glares. However, Midoriya could still see her face reddening with each second passing.

“THEN WHO??!! CLASS B DOUCHES?!”

“PLEASE, YAOYOROZU, ANYBODY BUT CLASS B!”

Midoriya got startled when Tokoyami tapped his shoulder. He nudged at Midoriya to speak privately, away from the chaos of their classmates and the unfortunate victim that was Yaoyorozu.

“I don’t want to make this a big deal with them but...” he whispered under his breath. “...The only students who knew about the pool party was our class, but someone’s missing.”

“Ah, you’re right! But why does that...” Midoriya drifted off, coming to a silent conclusion alongside Tokoyami. “Wait, you don’t think it could be...”

------

“Normally, I throw everybody in the same room, but given the circumstances of your delinquency...” Midnight began, lips gradually transforming into a mischievous grin. “...It made sense to keep you two separate.” 

“Works for me,” muttered the young sixteen year old, as he mopped the teachers’ lounge.

“Think of this as a generous favor, Todoroki-kun. No one will know about you and Yaoyorozu yet.”

The emphasis on “yet,” which Todoroki tried hard not to cling to. Unfortunately, it backfired in mere seconds when he heard the voice of his explosive classmate hollering throughout the entire building.

"IT’S HALF-N-HALF BASTARD!!!! I KNEEEEWWWWW ITTTTT!!!!”

————————

That’s a wrap! I hope you guys enjoyed this fic! Please feel free to leave any feedback as I’m always striving to improve as a writer.

[shamansantics]

Some People Be Shitting on My Girl Ariel

And I am here to tell you why saying shit like "Ariel left her family for d*ck whereas Moana did it to save her village" is not on.

Ariel from the very start of the movie is shown to have a profound fascination with the human world. Her passion for anthropology is such that she befriended the only bird who'd come near her and avidly listens to him to collect every tidbit of information about humans that she can get.

In the famed song "Part of that World" she sings about how she longs to "ask them my questions and get some answers", which goes to show that she often feels ignored and tossed aside when she expressed curiosity. Her interests don't matter. Her concerns are invalid. (There's a lot of proof of this in the prequel where we see her dad completely ignore her when she tries to make a point about music and how Atlantea should have it.)

She also sings about wanting to be somewhere where "they don't reprimand their daughters", showing once again that she feels scorned and diminished. Powerless.

She doesn't sing about wanting to go to balls and meet dudes to thirst on. She sings about wanting to explore a new world, discover a new culture and - hopefully - better her own fate by going to a place she, although knowing little about it - feels and hopes is more progressive than her world in certain key areas, namely the respect given to young women.

Lo and behold, she sees a mortal man and is infatuated. Saves him. Sings to him. Bonds with him in the throes of danger. This is the first time she is close to the object of her passion - a real live human - and he is fascinating and male and pretty damn fine.

We don't know how much contact Ariel has with merman, but her best friend is a literal fish, her chaperone is a crab and like... do we see Ariel interact with any mermen? Or her sisters? Never. This isn't conclusive evidence but considering how tight a leash Triton tries to keep her on, I honestly wouldn't be shocked if she just plain wasn't allowed to talk to guys - tailed or legged - that were even remotely sexually compatible with her ever. So yeah.

She's out and about unsupervised, saves a hot dude, spends the night high on adrenaline and feeling like a powerful heroine while in the closest proximity she's ever been to a man who isn't her dad EVER... and the night before she'd seen him singing and dancing and being generally good humoured and not a jerk? She is going to fall hard and fast.

That's not a character flaw, okay. I repeat. FALLING IN LOVE ISN'T A CHARACTER FLAW.

It doesn't make her silly or weak or stupid to fall head over heels for a guy who represents everything she finds inspiring in a very short time. It makes her *sixteen*, her canon age, if I'm not mistaken. Hormones are high, mood is lit, guy is attractive. She's going to be attracted. She is going to love him. Love what he represents. Novelty. Freedom. Joy. Adventure.

Most of all, she's going love what he inspires in her: courage, strength, daring. And yeah, beauty and sexiness too.

He makes her feel more powerful than she's EVER felt before and they haven't even spoken yet! Unsurprisingly, she is going to confuse attraction and a feeling of empowerement with "true love", especially if she's never been told she was powerful before.

Ariel has been told she's pretty and sings well and all she's good for is sitting tight in her shell and combing her hair and performing for concerts.

As someone whose father has told them - and I quote - "the only thing I know that you can do well is sing" (ouch...), it smarts okay. It *hurts* to want more and be reduced to your voice. Unsurprising that Ariel didn't see trading it as a big deal.

By the time she goes to see Ursula, she has *saved a man's life* in the middle of a raging storm while the sea was on *fire*. Her chaperone has betrayed her leading to her father disrespecting her one time too many and then *destroyed* her most valuable possessions to "teach her a lesson". She is in love and angry and empowered. And he expects her to what? Go home and fucking *sing*?

Honestly, if Ursula hadn't asked for her voice, she'd probably have offered it up anyways in exchange for one (1) Atlean salt-and-vinegar chip.

So... keep in mind that this is the mindset of the girl who "gave up her world and family for d*ck".

Her dad's a jerk. Her sisters don't share her interest or understand her. Her best friend is a *fish* and just not able to keep up or truly connect with her the way she wishes he could. She is *lonely*. She is young. She is a girl.

And do you know what girls are taught? They're taught that the only thing that will make them feel more powerful than being in love... is being someone's mom. Ariel is too young to care about motherhood. But she is the perfect age to buy the "true love is the most powerful feeling you will ever experience" bullshit hook, line and sinker.

So if she feels empowered around a man? A good looking man at that? Must mean she's madly in love with him.

And see... this narrative... it isn't just Ariel who has it. She has spent *years* passionate about humanity and its culture only to be dismissed, mocked or forbidden to explore her interests at every turn. Her troves, build over years of exploration, is annihilated in *seconds*. Her father has NO respect whatsoever for her desire to learn about humans.

Ariel's true passion: anthropology of humanity is completely invalidated. No one sees it as something of value in this girl, much less something that might empower her enough to seek out the sea witch and give up her tail and voice to pursue. Least of all her.

And yet, it is. I am willing to bet that if she'd gone home after talking to Flotsam and Jetsam, the idea of seeking out the sea witch would have stayed there and within a decade, she'd have gone anyways.

The thing is... the interest of women and girls aren't taken seriously. They're "childish" and "immature" and "unimportant". The most important thing a woman can do is be in a relationship with a man and then a mother, or so we're told. That's why even accomplished career women are seen as having something fundamentally missing if they're single.

My point is... Ariel didn't abandon her family and home to chase after a guy she hadn't even talked to yet.

She abandoned her family and home to chase after a dream she'd had for years. The guy was a side quest that temporarily obsessed her because hormones and also threat of doom via seawitch... but folks. The sheer *delight* on that girl's face during her carriage ride through town is not the face of a woman whose biggest concern in life is getting married. You know... when her life isn't under threat if she doesn't.

What you should be pissed off about isn't that a sixteen year old dared fall in love with a guy who made her feel powerful, even though she didn't know him. And it's not that said sixteen year old was willing to trade the things OTHER PEOPLE told her were her most valuable assets (family that doesn't value her as a person, home she wants to leave, singing ability that has been used to demean her to a useless pretty thing)...

What you should be pissed off about... is that Triton thought it was okay to destroy the trove his daughter worked years towards. Would have NEVER allowed her to trade her legs and voice to go be human just for the sake of learning and enjoying human culture...

But was *blessing* her decision to do just that when framed under the lense "I'm in love with this dude I've know for less than a week and I'm gonna marry him, unfortunately tail's gotta go to make that happen and I'm never coming home ever."

He would have dragged her back kicking and screaming if she'd asked to leave so she could go pursue her passion. No amount of "proving herself worthy" would have made that an okay thing for her to do. But because it's "true love"... sure. Fine. She can go. He's fulfilled his fatherly duties anyways and made sure she's done the most important thing a daughter can do: marry a rich dude.

The moral of this story is...

A. Stop shitting on women for falling in love. It doesn't make them less worthy or their decisions less legitimate.

B. Stop shitting on women for confusing feeling empowered with falling in love when they're told about how amazing and magical the latter is and don't even know the former is exits, a lot of the time.

C. Start shitting on people for giving more legitimacy to the concept of "true love" as a motivator for making huge life changes than they do to shit like "because this thing interests me and I like it a lot and it makes me feel good when I do it". Start shitting on people for making a woman seeking a sense of fulfillment not worth a happy ending unless there's a romance too.

D. Moana was super selfish for wanting to leave her home to go explore even though she had a good family and her island was happy. And that's *okay*. Women are allowed to want things for themselves. They don't exist to please others and pacify their societies. Good on her for saving her village though.

E. Ariel was super selfish for wanting to leave her home to go explore even though her family was arguably much less awesome than Moana's. And that's *okay*. Good on her for meeting a dude she liked, falling for him and making the relationship last and be, as far as Ariel II shows us, a pretty decent one. WOMEN ARE ALLOWED TO WANT ROMANCE and it doesn't make them frivolous, even if they want it more than the "important" shit they're told they should be interested in instead. (Not that Ariel's main interest was romance, btw)

F. Women are allowed to be happy dammit. Be it via romance or career or hobby or academics or all of the above or *none* or other.

Just let women be happy without putting one down in favour of the other and shitting on them.

Ariel is a *great* movie and Ariel is a badass character and she is smart and extremely competent and *brave* and strong and good and anyone who says otherwise is a superficial coward whose forgotten what it feels like to be 16 and disrespected. In this essay I will...

[altalksaboutstuff]

Shantae: 1/2 Genie Hero

From the 16th of this month, March 2020, to the 15th of next month, April 2020, Games with Gold has the excellent platformer – Shantae: ½ Genie Hero. As long as you have an active Xbox Live or Xbox Gamepass Ultimate subscription

It's “FREE” to download during that period but even after April 15th, you can keep playing it, it won't leave your library and if you let your subscription expire it will still remain, you just can't play it.

I have had Gamepass for about a year now, I wanted to kind of document my journey and time with games on Gamepass and one of the first that I played when I got the service last year was Shantae: ½ Genie Hero.  Unfortunately, this game is no longer available on the service and I thought back in September of 2019 that I had lost my chance to talk about it in a relevant sense, but lo and behold its back now – kind of, in a zombie-esque way.

The game expiring from Gamepass was actually the launching point for me to a Switch.  It was my birthday in September and Shantae was just about to be removed from the service, great present Microsoft.  I was kind of depressed that in this moment in my life that I had spent about a quarter of a year playing the game that was just going to up and leave.  Now I could have bought it and at a discount but if I did that I would be getting just the base game that I was practically done with.  I also had all this extra money from my birthday burning a hole in my pocket and instead doing something smart like putting towards my mortgage – I ended up buying a Switch to cheer me up.  And what does the Switch have but the physical version of Shantae: ½ Genie Hero that includes all the DLC.  

THAT – and the fact that one of my favorite games of all time was just remade – Link's Awakening. 

So I got those two games to cope with the fact that I wouldn't be able to play Shantae on Gamepass anymore in a few days ...but I had also gotten my wife a Switch Lite for our anniversary so I kind of wanted a reason to give it to them early and we had a Switcheversay on September 28th. 

NERD!

On a side note of this tangent – I feel like I'm always a little behind with Nintendo, with my earliest exposure to Nintendo being no different.  Way back in the dark ages of the early 1990s I was a Genesis Lad.  After school I was in a program where I first got to play a Nintendo game, there were NES consoles, games and Ataris as well.  While kids at school were telling me, “YA GOTTA PLAY Donkey Kong Country 2 and Mega Man X!” The cutting edge stuff of the time, I would root around and find other games like Donkey Kong Jr. and Mega Man 2 on NES.  Now don't get me wrong, those were great games I loved then and still love now but I was behind the times. I just didn't have a Super Nintendo, like most of my peers that I went to school with.  I just had the Sega. So when most were playing Super Mario World, Chrono Trigger and A Link to Past – I was playing Sonic... Sonic (Sonic 2)... and Sonic... (Sonic 3 but not & knuckles)

BUT Sonic is great!

When my friends had a Gameboy Advance, I still had a Gameboy Color.  When the DS was the hot handheld, I got a Gameboy Advance, I got a 3DS around the time Fire Emblem Fates came out when it seemed like everyone was clamoring for a new portable technology and I got a Wii U when it was all but dead.  As previous stated, I only got a Switch last September.  Heck, I haven't even played the new Mary-o yet

Pushing forwarding in the way back machine to the time when I was a still a young teen, at the age of 14, I remember a Gameboy Color game came out that I really wanted to get – Shantae.  I don't even know why I really wanted it other than it was a new Gameboy Color game when new Gameboy Color games weren't coming out.  Like, I remember the Gameboy Advance came out about a year ago but  I didn't need one according to my parents-

Me: Mom, can I get a Gameboy Advanced? Mom: You have Gameboy Advance at Home ::At home::

So the impact of a new Gameboy Color game coming out - blew … me … away.  

Of course - I didn't get that game either.

Now don't get me wrong, I still got games as a kid on birthdays and Christmas but I feel like the games I didn't get are the ones I look back at and think – If only...

(^I never had a Neo Geo but I wanted this game)

Love you Mom and Dad

Back to Shantae though

Tangents aside – why do I think I like this game?

Why is it when I played Half Genie Hero in June of 2019 did I really got hooked on it well until the end of summer? I play, play, played it – all the modes, collect the endings, the tedious achievements like Queen of the Seven Cheese where you have to beat Risky Boots by just chomping at her as a mouse doing 1 damage at at a time.... ugh!  For achievements I even … gasp (teeth noise) … speed ran it.  And successfully, not on my first attempt though!  Or … at least successfully enough to get the endings and achievements.  I've never speed ran a game before, at least on purpose.  I drew bad fan art!  

(^Unlike everything else on this post, I actually drew that [sorry])

For the first time in my life I even looked into Fan Fiction.  

Which, on a side note, I don't recommend you look at most of the fan fiction that I’ve seen if you are at work.

The game really got its hooks into me and I'm not exactly sure why but I think I might know.

Well, it feels like a SEGA Genesis game – long story short.

Short story long - I think the best way to classify what kind of game this is, is Metroidvania.  You have a mini map and you unlock powers that later allow you to explore the rest of the levels you had previous been to and there are collectibles and upgrades you can buy in game.  As you play you can upgrade how Shantae attacks by purchasing upgrades for her hair whip attack or armor but the big mechanic is the transformations – you can turn into animals with varied attacks and abilities as well as some other inanimate objects and living things like this tree 

- to help you better get across the stages and discover the secrets of Sequin Land.

I've also read its kind of Mega Man– ish which I had never really thought about before but yeah, because I do love some Mega Man.  It has a lot of obstacles/the levels are kinds of obstacle courses like the early NES Mega Man games and there are two areas particularly in my mind – The factory in Mermaid Falls and the Hypno Baron's Castle part of the … Hypno Baron's Castle stage.  Well most of it is actually like an obstacle course now that I think about it

The score is by Jake Kauffman and man, AND if I ever make a game I want that guy doing my music.  I mentioned the factory part of Mermaid Falls before – the best track in the game and maybe even in any game I've ever heard is Counterfeit Mermaids,  its such an earworm,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KkXd26E_Ynw

I feel like this song and Neo Town Burning are the two best games 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yParHIzy1nA

You are going to be in the camp that one is better than the other (though Counterfeit Mermaids is clearly the superior track, ahem)

Its a great soundtrack, I find myself tuning into it during my commute to work and sometime even turning off my podcast or audio books to listen to this soundtrack (yes Even Neo Town Burning too).  The game's lead voice actress according IMDB is Cristina Valenzuela (sometimes credited as Cristina Vee) who sings the games title theme that also appears in the first level, Scuttle Town the first time you play the level and also when you first boot up the game its there too. POW! Give it a listen – sample plays and fades.  Its great.  This soundtrack is really memorable and still in my rotation almost a year after I played it for the first time.

The characters themselves too are varied in personality and the styles are now toted as being“in high definition”.  

Shantae is my least favorite but I think that works well in the sense of self insert. And that's not to say Shantae doesn't have a personality, she is kind of bubbly and she cares a lot about her ties such as to her family - such her uncle Mimic and her late mother - and to her friends.  The three main friends that back Shantae during her journey (that also get their own adventure in the DLC)

Sky - a somewhat more responsible friend of your that is out to give you some counsel and a ride to each stage on her cool bird

Bolo – who offers a bit of comic relief

Rotty Tops the zombie that is a true friend that shows up to support you and cheer you on, in one time literally too.  

By the way there is also Risky Boots (the best character, IMO) who is the larger than life antagonist to akin to a comic book villain.

But even with the “HD” graphics, and incredible score everything about just feels like … a Sega game.  I can't really put it to words to do it justice, like, it has the essence of games I grew up with.  I know a lot of people already had that nostalgia rush with Freedom Planet or Sonic Mania but I only just got Freedom Planet on Switch

Which is great so far, by the way

and Sonic Mania is on my to do pile 

so for me – Shantae was it.  

I felt that joy like I was 5 years old playing Sonic 2 for the first time.  I took me something embarrassing like 8 hours to beat the first time.  But after I beat it, I immediately wanted to play it again.  I almost NEVER want to replay a game after I beat it – Best case is I take a break and play it again in a year. While it took me a laughable amount of hours to beat the game the first time but by the time I was really invested and on the 3rd or 4th time replaying it, I was completing it in under 2 hours.  I was looking up speed running strats and Youtube videos of people speed running the game to compare and contrast how I played the game.  I never, ever thought that I would speed run a game. Super Metroid still takes me an embarrassing number of hours to play and I've beat that almost as many times as Shantae now.

Having played both the Xbox One and Switch versions they look pretty similar and seem to play about the same.  I noticed that the game seems to run a bit better on the Xbox One and the load times aren't as long

So I really recommend you get this game.  I'm super jealous if you've never played it, you get to experience it for the first time!  If you don't have an Xbox One but have a Switch you can get the physical version for pretty cheap, used I got this copy for about $20 and it has all the game content.  And with the DLC you can finally play as Risky Boots!

It goes without saying that the game I am most excited for this year, 2020 is going to be Shantae and the Seven Sirens.

If you don't have an Xbox or a Switch, the game is also on PC too. Steam has sales, last time the Ultimate Edition was on sale it was only about $21 (show pic) and with a plug and play controls great.  

And just as I was checking before posting this, it is on sale for $20.99 until March 30th, 2020

Its also on PS4, I guess if you don’t have any other options

[masaru2042]

King of the Monsters is the Best Season of Game of Thrones Ever!

When I came out of the theater, I hadn't had warm and fuzzies about a movie in...I can't tell you how long.  And this movie gave me warm and fuzzies.  And this is despite the nay-sayers and the idiot critics who are slamming this movie.  Just a little FYI here, Godzilla beat out Aladdin for the #1 spot.  Godzilla pimp-slapped the Mouse into second place opening weekend.  And I approve of this.

But despite all the critics REEEEING over Godzilla and calling it garbage, I'm gonna tell you this movie is awesome and is worth your money.  And if you have a $5 dollar Tuesday like me because you have a Cinemark Cinema in your town...and you're worried about shelling out too much money for something you think you might not like...go see it on Tuesday, pay the 5 bucks, and then see why I said it's worth every cent.  And then go back and see it again full price if you want to.

So like any review I've done, usually I review a movie that I found bad and wanna shit all over it.  It is my thing, after all.  I mean see what all I've said about Godzilla Final Wars and everyone got pissy at me for hating on Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah 1991 and why I said I like GMK so much better...

And of course me shitting on Minya every time I mention Godzilla, because I hate that shit stain...I'm gonna actually give a positive review.

I mean the last movie review I did was Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, and...well...

It’s safe to say I really hated that movie.

But this one, I didn’t.

Just remember, this movie is worth every cent of your money.   You did it!  You did it, Hollywood!  You finally made a REAL GODZILLA MOVIE!  COMPLETE WITH THE ACTUAL GODZILLA THEME SONG!  And the Blue Oyster's Go, Go, Godzilla at the end.  And yes, there's even Mothra's theme song.  And I was singing it during the movie.  To anyone out there who said it couldn't be done...Cough-Steven Spielberg-Cough...we did it!  America has finally made a real Godzilla movie!  You also made the first Godzilla movie that actually gave a proper jump scare...and Godzilla was the one who did it, and I actually jumped!  10/10!  You made me jump at a jump scare and I don't usually jump at jump scares.   And yes, there was one, and it's at the beginning but...it's good.   First Godzilla movie to have a genuine jump scare that actually made me jump.  Thank you, movie! So, how does it start out. Well, it starts out in 2014 and we're following a family called the Russel Family.  No sign of the Brody family, but that's probably because they finally got eaten by sharks because...JAWS, damn it!  And also the Brody family was dull, save for Brian Cranston, and why the fuck didn't G2014 keep Brian Cranston in there? Anyway, we have Mark Russel, Emma Russel, and their daughter Madison Russel...who is played by the actress from Stranger Things...Millie Bobby Brown. I'm gonna refer to her as Eleven from here on out because that's who I know her the most as.  And yes, next month, Stranger Things is coming back to Netflix, and I'm gonna be watching that.  There's also Eleven's little brother, but he only appears in photographs because he ended up getting squashed by Godzilla's foot in San Francisco...so...I'm not gonna bother to learn his name.  Interesting to note, the actor who plays Mark...played Bruce Baxter from King Kong 2005.  But I barely recognize him...so, he doesn't get a quirky name. We do have Ken Watanabe returning as Ishiro Serizawa.  Who I suspect is actually the sun of Daisuke Serizawa...though Daisuke is a completely different kind of person in the MonsterVerse than what he was in the original Gojira.

Okay, so, we cut to about 5 years later, so 2019 and we meet up with Eleven and her mom and El is contacting her dad who is not with them.  He's studying wolves.  And they have a little email convo, Dad's worried about his wife, El is worried about Dad, and so on.  And I like how they build things up here because we don't realize that Eleven and her mom are in China studying Mothra's egg.  Until we hear Mothra's call, and yes it is very recognizable.  I suspect that there weren't veteran Godzilla fans like myself in the theater with me, so, pretty much every fan moment in this movie was something I would recognize but would mostly fall flat on most viewers.  The monster calls and the music.   Except for King Ghidorah's call...they were trying to do his call but...to be honest, it sounded like a bad mix of Heisei Ghidorah and the version they used in Final Wars.  With a little Showa in there.  The most perfect Ghidorah call was done in GMK.  It made him sound powerful, big, and kept the iconic call.  However, King Ghidorah's design looks rather interesting.  It's more of an updated version of Heisei Ghidorah than any of the other Ghidorahs.  Even more interesting is that the three heads all have their own separate personalities.   How can I explain them?  This fan art done by Michael J Larson just might help.

I present to you, Moe, Larry, and Curly.  Legendary turned King Ghidorah into the Three Stooges.  And here's the funny bit, Moe is the middle head, while Curly is the one on the right, and Larry is the one on the left.  And just like in Three Stooges fashion, Moe hates Curly a lot.  He even bops Curly a few times to pretty much make a point on just who these thee heads represent.

Rodan's call didn't sound much like Rodan's call either, but, I'm not a big Rodan fan, so I forgave it.

So, Eleven and Mom here goes down into a cave where Mothra's egg is so they can witness Mothra being born.  And of course call the giant moth-like creature...Mothra.  Because yeah.  We need to state that.  Complete with Mothra's theme!

Well Mom's got a gadget that seems to be able to create a signal that makes the monster docile, and lo and behold it works! And then Tywin Lannister shows up!

This is Charles Dance's character Alan Jonah...you know, like the whale...however, I'm gonna stick with Tywin Lannister.  Because that's who he is!  Well, Tywin kidnaps mom and Eleven.  Tywin actually is trying to be a little nice to Eleven, even making a silly face at her.   Which I thought was cute.  Until she flipped Tywin off...because yes, Eleven can do that to Tywin!  She's probably the only person who can flip Tywin Lannister the bird!  Anyone else would have been beheaded.

Apparently Tywin now runs an eco-terrorist group who are a bunch of nihilists.   And they wanna release King Ghidorah for the purpose of ending the suffering that man has caused the planet.  So...Anime Godzilla Xaliens? Really, Tywin?  The Dragon has three heads, but apparently you merely wanted to end the Targaryan dynasty just to set up the new Ghidorah dynasty.  Well, to tell you the truth, King Ghidorah would make a better ruler than Bran the Broken, so he has my vote on that.  Honestly, this whole movie is like the best Game of Thrones climax ever!  With a little Stranger Things mixed in for good measure.

And King Ghidorah...or rather Ghidorah as they call him in the movie...is actually located in Antarctica.  Because of course he is.  How did he get there?  We don't know.  He is a space monster just like he usually is, and he also wants to fuck over everything on planet Earth, like usual.  But this time...it's him doing it, and not someone controlling him...or rather...that device they call Orca sends out a call at first controls him, but the he's like "Naw, man, I'm my own boss."  And really fucks over Tywin's plans.  Because King Ghidorah at least listened to Olena Tyrell's suggestion of "Be a Dragon."  And he pretty much shows how much he is a dragon, rather than what Danaerys did until the very last minute.  Yes, I won't stop the Game of Thrones comparisons, shut up!  So, apparently, Ghidorah has the Queen of Thorns on his side and she's been talking into his ear more than Mamma Russel's Orca's machine has.  And to show Olena how much of a dragon he is, King Ghidorah eats a few humans as he is freed.

No, I'm serious, King Ghidorah eats people!  Olena would be proud.

He also doesn't listen to Tywin Lannister.  And neither did Aerys, but that's only because Aerys didn't want Cercei to marry Rhaegar.  So, Tywin pretty much gave that dragon a middle finger and decided to get with another three headed dragon...a literal three headed dragon, and they're gonna fuck up the planet, yo!  Until Olena Tyrell started talking to King Ghidorah about playing the Game of Thrones, and now King Ghidorah uses his magic monster call to literally "Call the Banners!"   I'm fucking serious!  There is a reason why the Game of Thrones references will not stop!  King Ghidorah pulls a Rob Stark and turns to Maester Lewin.

King Ghidorah: "Maester Lewin..."

Lewin: "Yes, your Grace."

King Ghidorah: "Call the banners."

Lewin: "All of them?"

King Ghidorah: "All of them."

And the ravens fly!

Meanwhile, Daddy Russel got wind of his wife and daughter being kidnapped, as well as Orca being used to summon King Ghidorah and well, he seems to have a big beef with the monsters in general.  Apparently, he has a bone to pick with Godzilla for the death of his son.   And he wants to Inigo Montoya Godzilla's ass.  The problem is, he's about the size of Godzilla's talon, so I don't think that duel is gonna work very well.  However, it's here where we get to the jump scare that works and why I loved it.  You see, in this scene, we're in an underwater Monarch base where they discuss what they want to do with Godzilla.  Russel is on the "let's kill the bastard" boat along with the American military, and Serizawa is more on the boat of...we becoming Godzilla's adopted children in which he protects from other threats out there.  Or rather...his pets.  Which of course doesn't go very well over with the Americans.  Because...

You honestly think we're gonna be Godzilla's little pet humans, Serizawa?  HELL NO!

But I chock that up to poor translation since English isn't Serizawa's first language.  And maybe that came out wrong.  Anyhoo...yeah, Godzilla's pets.  No.  I like you, big guy, but I ain't gonna be your cat.

So, while we're in this underwater base, Godzilla decides to show up!  And they start pointing their guns at him...which kinda pisses him off.   While Russel here hates Godzilla, even he knows it's not wise to go and pick a fight with him without a plan, so he even tells the guys to stand down, which they do.  And then we have a moment where Godzilla slowly inches close to the glass and Russel and the King of the Monsters have some kind of moment.  And to tell you the truth, it's a better moment than what we had with Brody and Godzilla.  Well, Godzilla at first slinks back into the darkness...and everything seems fine.  And this is where the jump scare happens.  They don't draw it out to where you expect a jump scare to happen, like...most jump scares do.  That's how you know it's a bad jump scare, they draw it out for so long that you know it's gonna jump out and get you.   You're just waiting for it to happen.  Here?  Nope, the moment you think everything is okay, Godzilla jump scares you by just suddenly swimming by the glass.

And that's it.

And I did not expect it at all!

That's how you jump scare people!  Again, this shows why Godzilla is King of the Jump Scares! There is no lingering shot, there is no "he's still there, he's still there, he's still there...he's still there..."  It just comes right out of nowhere like a jump scare does.  And I did jump.  So again, good work, movie.

And I will say I like Russel as well.  Yeah, he's in the "I hate Godzilla and I wanna see him dead" boat, but it's not taken to ridiculous extremes like you'd think it would be.  He's smart, he knows when to fold them if he has to, which in Godzilla movies...is a good thing.  You see, Godzilla movies tend to have characters like Russel be so over the top moronic in their hatred...you just wanna skip right over them and get to the monster fight.  Russel is not one of these characters.  His wife on the other hand...is an idiot, and I might as well address her.

She's flawed, and I'm glad we have for once a flawed female character in a world of female protagonists have to be perfect awesome people so that the feminazis can relate to them.

 Apparently, the SJWs didn't really affect this movie much, and I'm grateful for that.  Yeah, I had one guy tell me how he hated that Ghidorah wasn't called King and that he wasn't really a he...but an it.  But I had to remind him that pretty much that's all the monsters.  Including Godzilla.  And Ghidorah's first movie was Ghidorah the Three-headed Monster in which this movie is a bit of a remake of.  But not quite.  In fact, I went into this movie thinking it was going to be a remake of that movie.  Right down to Eleven being maybe a person possessed by some supernatural being who wanted to warn everyone about King Ghidorah's coming.  She wasn't at all.  I half expected Tywin to be some guy trying to assassinate her and he wasn't.  And I thought Rodan would team up with Mothra and Godzilla against King Ghidorah after Mothra smacked their asses around and talked about friendship and the heart of the cards and shit, but he didn't and neither did Mothra.  Mothra was on Godzilla's side, but not Rodan.   Rodan was on King Ghidorah's side!  He was one of the banners Ghidorah had Maester Lewin send a raven to.  And another one of those ravens went to Nevada of all places and to...and I'm shocked to say this...Kumonga!   Yes, our giant spider from the 60's Showa era has returned in the American reboot!  And much like his Final Wars counterpart, he decided to be in the American Southwest.  Maybe he liked Cowboys or something.   We also had a giant mammoth creature rising out of Wyoming.  And another MUTO.  Why, Legendary?  Why another MUTO?  I guess we needed to reuse an asset or something.  Well, it wouldn't be a Godzilla movie if we didn't.  So...you're checking off the marks here, Legendary.  We even have stock footage in the form of clips!  They are checking off all the Showa marks!

So, while King Ghidorah is flying around in a hurricane he created (totally awesome) and telling Lewin to call his Banners, we suddenly find out that Mamma Russel was actually the mastermind behind this whole "the Dragon has Three Heads" thing.  Yeah, Tywin Lannister wasn't the guy in charge, it was Ma Russel.  And she managed to convince Eleven that this is for the well being of mankind.  You see, she wants the monsters to basically cull the humans and our evil technology, and return the world to a more peaceful time where we were subsistence farmers worshiping giant monsters as gods?  Because that was a more peaceful time?

And this is why she's an idiot.  And her ideas is batshit crazy!  The world has never been more at peace now than any other era.  I'm not kidding about that.  Yeah, we're polluting the planet, and we need to cut back our carbon footprint, but to be honest here...the planet was much warmer during the time of the Dinosaurs than it is currently NOW.   And while I've touted about the lessons of the P-T Extinction Event, aka the Great Dying, in which a flood basalt in Siberia started an out of control greenhouse that resulted in nearly 90% of all life on the planet dying, including the life in the oceans, and set our planet in a biological to be resetted in a way...and that was caused by just the temperature rising on top of all the nasty gasses put into the atmosphere by said flood basalt...I don't think that just going back to subsistence farming is gonna solve the problem, lady.  In fact, it's stated even if we just stop all the polluting now, the damage has already been done.  There is no stopping it.  And NO!  Suddenly causing the entire planet to just become more radioactive is not gonna solve your problem either.  She honestly believed that radiation is some miracle grow fertilizer.  When, no it isn't.   And Carl Sagan can tell you why!  Did you not listen to Threads?  Did you not watch that movie, lady?  I feel like I need to sit you and Final Wars Godzilla down and you both watch that movie together to see why just pumping a bunch of radiation into the atmosphere is not gonna help things.  Final Wars Godzilla needs to learn that we understand the message of nuclear war.  Threads has told us that.  And you, you moronic bitch, need to learn the lesson of radiation will make farming HARDER!

And apparently for a scientist, she's never heard of the Red Forest of Chernobyl.

If you want to know what it looks like to an entire ecosystem when it's been bombarded by radiation...just radiation alone...

See those red trees?  That is caused by massive amounts of radiation being released upon a forest.

Again, I prove why I know more about radiation than anyone who makes a Godzilla movie.  But this time, I will forgive it because this lady is actually stupid and everyone else is far more intelligent in regards to dealing with radiation.  Seriously, how did this woman get a doctorate in which she ended up working for an organization built to study monsters from a time when the Earth was "more radioactive" as it's was stated in this universe's past? And unless you wanna die from cancer or bleeding out your ass, you need to sit your ass down and shut the fuck up.   But thank god this woman is basically the villain and a stupid one at that.  Even Tywin Lannister got tired of her shit.   And Eleven just figured out her mother is a loon.

Basically, Tywin Lannister makes more sense than crazy lady, because well, he at least just wants to release the monsters and wipe out humanity as a whole.  In which the radiation will certainly do that.  So, he's pretty much on the bar on the consequences of what will actually happen more than the idiot bitch.  He just wants to make it happen because he's seen enough evidence of what humans are like, and he's tired of it.  Which I can respect.  Not the whole genocide thing, but the whole...I'm not doing this to "save humanity from itself thing" like crazy moron had pretty much talked herself into...to the point of stupidity and forgetting what radiation actually will do to humans and the ecosystem. Sure, maybe the ecosystem was actually more hardy against radiation in this universe than in our own...but still...that doesn't resolve the issue that TODAY'S plants and animals are not hardy against it! Well our Monarch heroes show up to where Rodan was popping out of that volcano like in the trailer, and we finally get to the first fight.   Monarch leads Rodan to the storm and King Ghidorah, hoping to just have the two fight...but they don't.  Because Rodan is on Ghidorah's side.   So, it's up to Godzilla to take this false king down.  And he does!  He literally pulls a Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah 1991 and decapitates Ghidorah's head!

Well...the United States has a plan to finally put all three monsters down and it's....

The Oxygen Destroyer

Okay, this is where I'm gonna have to gripe.  Because this thing is the single most stupid idea ever!  But at least it does have a pay off in the stinger at the end when everyone basically states that the Gulf of Mexico is now devoid of fish.  However, the existence of this weapon in this movie is uncalled for.  But I suppose it's meant to set up the scene where Serizawa decides to sacrifice himself to bring Godzilla back onto the field.  And to be honest, it's not needed. King Ghidorah could just be enough to knock Godzilla out for a few rounds while he goes on his little mayhem run and Serizawa can still sacrifice his life to revive Godzilla from that horrid beating.  You don't need this thing in this movie, guys!  You don't!  You put it in there because you had that little teaser a few years back showing the Oxygen Destroyer in an old Monarch location and people were speculating it.   So, you had to give us something.

And people wonder why my Game of Thrones references are happening in this review...because...this is Clegane Bowl, people.  This is Clegane Bowl and how stupid Dumb and Dumber made it.  It comes out of nowhere because the fans were expecting it, and you didn't even bother to set it in the Dragon pits and fill it to the brim with chickens.  We are disappointed with you!

However, I did get a laugh out of it.   Military guy: "We have this weapon we've been developing.  It's called the Oxygen Destroyer!  We're gonna use it on these monsters."

Thanks, America, you just killed all the fish in the Gulf.  You morons!

And it didn't work on King Ghidorah because he's an alien. Tell Kiryuu Knight that!  He managed to stick his Oxygen Destroyer into King Ghidorah and it worked like magic.

However, I will say that you're not the only ones who did something stupid with the Oxygen Destroyer, Legendary.  Kiryuu did to in Halo 3 Different.  He had the thing with him, took it to High Charity, and then forgot that he had it.  Yeah, I'm capable of my idiot moments in writing as well.   But I noticed that no reader really noticed the Oxygen Destroyer was even mentioned in that story...so, can't complain.

Well the Oxygen Destroyer also didn't really kill Godzilla, however it did wound him enough that he retreated to the bowels of the Earth to recover.  Basically Hollow Earth theory.  Or rather, not really.  They call it Hollow Earth Theory, but it really isn't.  I know Hollow Earth Theory because I love poking fun at morons who claim stupid shit.   Hollow Earth Theory looks like this.

See that?  That's a sun instead of a molten core.  This is the theory touted by racists like Hitler and Lewis Farakhan.   The thing the MonsterVerse came up with is more like...the crust is made out of Swiss cheese.  Rather than the Earth being hollow.  Basically, the Earth is Tennessee.  Tennessee's crust is made out of Swiss cheese, and now these guys applied that to the entire planet.  But no, the Earth isn't really hollow in the MonsterVerse, not the way the actual Hollow Earth Theory states.  And that has been my biggest problem with the nomenclature they use for this theory in this universe.  but I guess Swiss cheese Earth didn't really catch on as good as Hollow Earth.   So Godzilla falls through one of these Swiss cheese holes and King Ghidorah regrows his head.  Holy shit!  However, I noticed, to regrow his head, he had to be sitting on a volcano with his storm raging over him.  So...he's drawing power from somewhere to regrow that head, which is why he probably can't regrow his entire body from a single severed head in the totally not gonna make Mecha-King Ghidorah with Tywin Lannister as the pilot stinger. And he's calling his banners.

So this is where we have our Serizawa sacrifice scene.  They go into one of the Swiss cheese holes after Mothra in her full glory appears and starts raining down her prettiness on top of the water to guide them to where Godzilla is...complete with her theme of course...and the guys find out some very ancient ruins of a civilization long gone.  These ruins appear to be a hodgepodge of Egyptian, Mesoamerican, Mesopotamian, Eutruscan, Celtic creation.  Why are they down there, why haven't we seen these things before, and is this the Lost City of Atlantis...I'm banking it's Atlantis.  And the Atlantians worshiped Godzilla...before they all moved to Georgia and built the greatest airport mankind has ever seen.

It's all connected, I tell you!

LAX has nothing on Atlanta!

And the closer to where Godzilla is sleeping, the more radioactive it becomes.  They decide to deliver a nuke to him to wake him up because nukes feed Godzilla.  But the battle with Rodan and King Ghidorah damaged the sub's launching bay and they have to deliver it manually.   So Serizawa draws the short straw, gives Papa Russel his notes on Godzilla, and decides to go in and give Godzilla the pick me up he needs.  But not before Serizawa boops the Goji snoot.  Which is cute. And going back to think on it.  At least Serizawa gave Godzilla much deserved pats.  Because he's a good boi, damn it!  Unlike Jon who...only gave Ghost pats at the last second!

Why you so mean, Jon?!

It seems Godzilla is very much aware of our existence.  As he's shown even in the 2014 film to notice those tiny ants under his feet.  He is very much aware of the humans, and even after he awakens...to the sound of this...

Since when did we import Akira Ifukube into this thing?

Okay, are you trying to show how awesome you are to us G-fans, movie, because we get it!  We get it!  You are awesome.   Thank you for that.

Alright, so Goji theme going on and Godzilla starts heading to where King Ghidorah is.

Meanwhile, Tywin Lannister and his eco-lions along with crazy bitch and Eleven are in Boston of all places.  While King Ghidorah is making a mess out of Washington DC.

But he is making a mess out of the place and according to the scientists, he's also trying to reformat the planet to suit his needs. In Boston, Eleven decides to steal the Orca and head into Red Sox Stadium.  She hooks it up to the massive broadcaster speakers to signal to King Ghidorah to come to Boston.  And it works.  Unfortunately.   Godzilla also gets that signal and he heads for it too.   Papa Russel then gets the idea of rather than letting the Gods duke it out in the Red Sox stadium, it's probably time for the humans to show Godzilla that they are on his team.  And so...by the power of Akira Ifukue...Godzilla and Monarch charge into battle.  And no, not kidding about that either.  They charge in with Godzilla's theme song playing in the background.  And yes, Godzilla knows they are on his team.  You can tell.  You can seriously tell.  Godzilla is surrounded by military planes and he's like "These guys are with me!"

I'm literally getting Godzilla vs. Hedorah vibes from this because Godzilla and the military actually did team up to defeat Hedorah.  And not only that, but Godzilla acknowledged humans several times in that movie.  And yes, this movie is actually dedicated to Banno, who was the director of Godzilla vs. Hedorah.  So, I approve.  And so would he.  And it's explained in the movie why Godzilla recognizes the humans as his allies.  The Orca's signal is not only mixed with the call of an alpha "titan" as the kaiju are called in the movie, but also the voice of humans.  Because we're the alpha predators of this planet!  So, Godzilla, obviously hearing not only that sound, but also seeing human dominance all over the place has pretty much recognized humanity as a partner species.  And apparently he also recognizes Mothra as a fellow partner species that helps him keep the order, so he now has "imprinted" that status onto humans as well.   We're not his pets, Serizawa, we're his partner.  I knew the Serizawa's English was off on that.  But it reaches the coexistence he is trying to achieve. Mothra also joins the fight, but a bit later when Rodan starts fucking Godzilla's shit over.  Meanwhile, Godzilla is building up for a finishing move on Ghidorah...and because of that, there's a timer.  Papa Russel wants to go in and save Eleven before that timer runs out.  And I'm suspecting Godzilla knows this because he's actually holding back a bit.  It's severely hinted that Godzilla knows this.  At least to me it is.  Like Russel shot Godzilla a message or something.

Russel: "Can you keep that thing busy, Godzilla?  I gotta save my daughter!"

Godzilla: "Sure, but not for long.  I'll give you 10 minutes, tops!  But after that, I gotta unleash this nuclear pulse, or else I might blow myself up if I don't."

Russel: "Ten minutes! Got it!"

Again, not that I mind, but Eleven has Arya Stark plot armor, so...she'll be fine.  However, the plot armor is a staple of Godzilla.  So, not that gripey about it either.  Honestly, when dealing with Godzilla, no character, not even the main ones, should have plot armor.   Unless they are so far away from the fight it wouldn't matter.

That rule goes for you as well, Toho!  Especially with that whole 24 week long half life thing you had in Shin-Godzilla!  Plot armor was the only thing keeping those boring characters alive, because it sure wasn't their hazmat suits.  Those things looked like they were made out of tissue paper.  Which wouldn't help in dealing with rads that high.  Even my mother would know that!

So, if 24 week long half life could get a pass on not killing characters in that shit of a movie, this much better one can get a pass on Eleven not dying.

Meanwhile, crazy bitch Russel finally decides to do something of actual merit and go after her daughter.  And Tywin lets her.  Because that's not his problem.  Just as long as she doesn't take his men with her...he doesn't give a shit. 

He really doesn't give a shit.

So that's it for Tywin, we don't see him again until the Stinger, but I've revealed that already.   So crazy bitch goes after her daughter, Papa goes after his daughter, and they end up finding the Orca all smashed up.  And Godzilla is not doing very well in the fight.  He is obviously holding that nuclear pulse in. And yes, it is a nuclear pulse.  He's like: "Russel, hurry up! I can't hold this fart in!"

Mothra punctures Rodan in the chest with her stinger.  And honestly, she's GMK Mothra.  Which is cool.  However, she does end up dying during this fight in the attempt to help Godzilla get back on his feet.  But like always, she is basically a phoenix and will rise from the ashes through another egg. King Ghidorah is kicking Godzilla's ass all over the place.  And when the Russels finally reunite and fix the damned Orca, they turned it on and lead King Ghidorah away from Godzilla long enough for Godzilla to unleash his secret weapon that I spoiled.  The nuclear pulse!  And it is glorious!  He goes red like Burning Godzilla from Godzilla vs. Destroyah, but...it's so much cooler.  This red burning look isn't because he's gonna die, it's him charging up his new weapon.  And that nuclear pulse is...basically like an atomic blast!  Right down to the shearing of flesh from bones!  Unfortunately, crazy bitch basically dies in the fire, leaving Russel and Eleven to watch from a distance as Godzilla incinerates King Ghidorah.

And for good measure to make sure Ghidorah doesn't come back...GODZILLA EATS KING GHIDORAH!  That has never happened in any Godzilla movie.   EVER.  Clap!  This Godzilla is just the most brutal of any Godzilla.  I think GMK Goji might have to bow to this king since he EATS his foes!

And Godzilla stands over a demolished Boston, roars in triumphant.  And as the other kaiju show up, he pretty much pulls a Robert Baratheon.

As if the Game of Thrones references couldn't stop there. So, Godzilla reveals himself to be King Robert Baratheon, which works out because Tywin Lannister is wanting to take him down.   So, I'll describe the stinger at the end of the movie.  We show Tywin Lannister and his eco-lions walking into a bunker and the guy is explaining that after the Oxygen Destroyer, the fishing in the Gulf is shit now.  Because yeah.  It would be.  It's the Oxygen Destroyer.   Well, as he walks into a large room, we see King Ghidorah's only remaining head with flies buzzing around it. And it looks exactly like the scene from Godzilla vs. Mecahgodzilla 1993 when General Aso and a team of scientists come into a room with Mecha-King Ghidorah's head in it...saying "We have it now, a robot to kill Godzilla."

And this is why I think Tywin Lannister is gonna build himself Mecha-King Ghidorah...and take over Westeros.

So all in all, I really look forward to Game of Thrones season 10.  It really is shaping up to probably the best season we're ever gonna get.   And Season 9 of Game of Thrones ended with a huge bang.  I was really satisfied with what they did.  Tywin's back!  And he's backing the real Dragon...with the Three Heads.  I don't think Maester Aemon thought the dragon having three heads meant King Ghidorah, but as George RR Martin stated...prophesies do end up biting your prick off.

So, what do you all think Season 10 of Game of Thrones is gonna be like?

All joking aside, I loved this movie.  I really did.

And continuing the Game of Thrones comparisons, the night fight shots in this film...10 times better than The Long Night of Season 8 of Game of Thrones.  Why?  BECAUSE YOU COULD ACTUALLY SEE FIGHT! But if I have one true gripe to say about it...aside from the Oxygen Destroyer...it's that this movie happened BEFORE Godzilla vs. Kong.

No, I'm serious on this.  This movie sounds like it should have been done after Godzilla vs. Kong.   And I did kinda hated that King Ghidorah had to die in this movie, rather than return as an actual threat again later.

But who knows....we do have that head left over, so anything can happen.

[shinovii]

Oh wow, what a Saturday it's become! These episodes came out of the woodwork, and holy smokes I got so excited to watch em!!!

Okay......how many episodes have we had involving Royal Woods Elementary? Not complaining, just needed a headcount. Also, with an episode name like "Stall Monitor", I was expecting something different. Hmm......ah well, on with the show!!!

Tonight is Parent Teacher Conference night, the single most worrisome day for any student in elementary school.....and maybe middle, and Mrs. Johnson aims to speak to each student's parents. Yes, that also includes Lincoln's as well and he's beyond worried (thank Clyde for the paper bag assist). With all the potential moments he listened, he feels it's gonna be rough for him once Mrs. J speaks to Lynn Sr. and Rita. As such, the man with the plan intends to put a halt to it, but not without some help from the gang...

Okay show of hands, how many actually dreadend Parent Teacher Conferences? It always feels like it wasn't as terrible as most shows made it out to be (well.....unless you were that one mischievous kid, that is.) But I digress, not too bad an episode this one was. It's always interesting seeing what kind of plan Lincoln cooks up because there's many different things he can think of, which makes for some pretty entertaining shenanigans. I'm also glad we got to see the gang's parents show up as well, and even they gave me some good chuckles too (plus seeing Liam's Mee Maw was every bit as crazy as I had thought she'd be). I'll admit the ending was just as I had figured, but it wasn't bad. Overall a solid episode, gave the gang more to work with, and shows Lincoln in his lovable goofy environment.

Also, always count on the McBrides to deliver when on screen!

I was wondering when Luan was gonna get another episode, lo and behold! Not only that......it's a ship episode too! Great!!! But, even something this good is not without its blemishes....

In the lovely residence that is Casa Loud, awakens a bright and very chipper Luan Loud! It's for good reason too, as it just so happens be her very first date with Benny (yeah, Benny! Ya know, from such classic episodes as L is For Love and Stage Plight)! It's such a joyous occasion for her, but unfortunately it gets cut short as Luan seems to have grown a bulbous boil (no one tell Elmer). Timing........it is impeccable and it hits Luan like a truck! After some helpful (and pretty much ignored) advice from dear big sis Lori, Luan sets out to get her pestering pimple remedied before her big date and the siblings are here to help!

Ohhhh wow this was just a treat! I know it's the typical zit plot, but this was a good way to do this to be honest. Luan, even when she's trying to handle a serious situation, continues to make light of it in her own way and I love it (plus Mr. Coconuts is at his A-game this time around)! Is it ever a doubt in my mind why she remains my third favorite Loud sister? No.......no there is not! We also needed an episode that helps add to the newfound ship that is Luanny (ship development is a damn needed thing), and this one delivers a tad bit! Credit to Benny too, he comes off as a pretty decent character in this! Hard to believe he was just some random teen without a single line of dialogue before. See, this is something I want TLH to do more of, expanding the world and fleshing out the extra stuff (whether in the show or comics, I don't mind it). It would help add more depth to characters that people in the fandom like but are very underappreciated. As for the closing moments, it is sweet, simplistic, but cracks me up in good Luan fashion! It's a very nice episode, but not something to be overly hyped about tho.

Well I guess that's about it for this double feature, and another Saturday done! Until next-

Oh......oh my......it's.....it's a......a.........TRIPLE FEATURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay so, remember after The Great Lakes City Tour I said I "wasn't" going to do impressions on episodes of The Casagrandes? Well........THIS ONE IS A HELL OF AN EXCEPTION!!!!!!! Yes everybody, I'm talking about "The Horror-Scope", and for good reason too! I see great things out of this one, so says the fortune! Let's get underway, shall we?

We begin this episode with.....astrology? Yes, it seems Rosa is about to watch a fortune telling show by "Ernesto Estrella" (voiced by George freaking Lopez, yes! Wait, he voices a character named.....Ernie? Ha!), and young Ronnie Anne is being a bit of a skeptic. However, it seems today's fortune reads that fire signs are gonna find love, and wait a second......Ronnie Anne's a fire sign (conveniently). She may deny, but then "COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED AND NOT WELL TIMED FOR THE PLOT", she gets a call from Lincoln......and he's on his way to hang out with her! Rosa, possibly overhearing somehow, sees this as a sign, but Ronnie Anne is quick to deny it saying the two are "just friends" (Careful when saying such a thing Ronalda, the power of love is always so strong). So the snowy haired boy arrives and the two set off to spend the day, but is the fortune proving true to Ronnie Anne? We'll find out!

Sigh.........ya know, I ship these two so much, and if I have to go through so much slowburn to see this at the endgame.......hit me with EVERYTHING YA GOT IN THE COMING EPISODES!!!! Let's be honest, this was Ronniecoln fuel in every step of the way, and by gosh do I love it! The interactions, the dialogue, even the many scenes it had were filled with shipteasing and it'd be hard to miss any of it (they know full well what to do with these two, I'm sure of it). I will admit I'm a little bummed that Sid didn't play a bigger role in the shipteasing as well, but one can't leave a pet bird flying away forever (unless you're Sergio). Also, love the callback to previous TLH episode with Lincoln, it kept some good continuity which is always welcome! Even the closing moments were just a bundle of feels for me, I was so happy by the end of it! Now I may not be the top Ronniecoln shipper around (I'd be "flying too close to the Sun" if I claimed I was lol), but I'd still recommend this even if you like the dynamic these two have when they're together! A fun episode, good choice of a guest star, and tons of shipteasing that I'd watch over and over!

Well then, I guess that's it for our triple feature! I just couldn't let this slip by me, not by a longshot! This was a crazy good day TLH/TCG fans and I couldn't be anymore satisfied! Until next time everybody when the next new episodes come by!!!!

[rowanlagrange-blog]

Tulpa

     Do you ever get hooked on an idea? So wrapped up in something you heard that you can’t push it out of your head, like a catchy pop song you hear on the radio for just a moment. This kind of hyperfocusing can lead you to some weird places. Like binge watching youtube videos about how clams reproduce or reading articles about how whales sleep without drowning. Maybe it’s just me, insomnia can make you do weird things, but I seem to get caught up in these tangents quite often. My most recent obsession, why almost every kid has an imaginary friend as a child. It’s such a weird shared instinct we all have to create our own companions. A documentary about imaginary friends association with child development led me to an article about adults with imaginary friends which led me to a forum discussion about tulpa. From my intense reading, of the tulpa wiki page, it seems like tulpa are an imaginary friend with a catch, you can actually “will them into existence”. This isn’t some Jedi mind trick either any guy on the street can do it. 

      I searched around online a little longer, read something called the book of the dead, then got tired. So I laid down in bed and stared across the room. Opposite of my bed is a massive window that overlooks a 30 foot drop and some lovely scenery. In the morning I like to stand there and watch the ripples on my neighbors pond. I even put an end table next to the window for my morning newspapers and coffee cups to pile up on. As I lay there unable to sleep an image crept into my head. It was from a scary story I read once, a dog on its hind legs wearing a black robe and a skull as a mask. It always made me smile, I mean come on it looks like a reject Pokémon. I grew so bored that I made him do a little dance in front of the window. Lo and behold, the miracle drug I needed all along. No melatonin, no counting sheep, no therapy just this dog thing dancing in my head. I passed out and slept like a baby. This would continue for the next four months. Every night I would lay in my bed and watch my tulpa dance. It was pretty nice having something there with me at night. My therapist once told me loneliness could be the cause of my insomnia. I ignored her at the time but now it seems like she might have been right. I even gave him a name, Spot. I know not very original but it was my labradoodles name when I was a kid. 

     Flash forward to about five nights ago. I get home, jump into bed, and start watching Spot dance. He twirled and swayed around in front of my window. His black fur danced in the air as he frolicked about. I watched him for maybe ten minutes before I began to drift off. The warm comfort of my memory foam mattress pulled me in. The room grew black as my eyelids fluttered shut, then I heard it. “Did my dance please you, father?” My blood curdled and I shot up in bed. Spot was standing at my feet gazing at me. I tried to force him to stop but I couldn’t. “You wish to see more” he asked. The color drained from my face. I dove under the covers and began reciting a prayer my mother used to say with me at night. When I came out he was gone, I didn’t sleep well that night.  

     I laid in bed, not moving a muscle, until the sun was well in the sky. I went and got my newspaper and coffee in the morning. The headline that day was something about a terrorist attack in Europe. Not really the kind of thing I look for in the news. I watched my reflection in the window that morning. I stood in the same spot Spot had last night. Except surely he didn’t, Spot wasn’t real. I just hallucinated him speaking like that, or maybe it was sleep paralysis, or a vivid dream but definitely not real. I threw the newspaper down on the end table and readied myself for work.

     That night I decided not to watch Spot dance. I guess I thought a night or two off would help calm my nerves. I laid in bed wrestling with myself trying to find sleep. Even after months of restful nights insomnia was still a bitch. Around 2 in the morning he spoke again. “It’s continued on the next page” Spot bellowed. My eyes burst open but I dare not move. I watched him out of the corner of my eye. He was taller now, when I first imagined him he was three foot flat but now he had to be at least seven. “The story, it is continued on the next page, Father” he echoed. His voice, it hadn’t been like that last night, it was more childlike, now it was powerful. “Father, I cannot turn the page myself, please do it for me” he asked. I closed my eyes tight and began reciting the prayer again. The more I focused on those words the less present he seemed. After a half hour of praying the dog away, he was completely gone. 

     Another restless night gave way to another agonizing day. I leaned against my window that morning. No newspaper just coffee with an energy drink mixed in. I was fixated on my stack of newspapers. They sat a foot tall on top of the end table. They were still undisturbed from yesterday when I threw the newest paper on top. When I got home from work that night I went immediately to bed. I laid there watching the sun go down through my window. It was serene, truly worth every penny I didn’t have to spend on this overpriced house. As I fell away into peace he shattered my tranquility once more. “Why do you hate me Father?” Spot sighed. I slowly rose up, I had never imagined Spot while the sun was still up. Now in its light I could see his mask was no longer the bleach white plastic looking thing I had given him. It has been replaced with a cracked yellowing bulls skull. His silky fur that twirled with him when he danced was matted and growing mold. He had sprung gnarly brown fangs from his twisted jaws. “You brought me into this world just to ignore me is that it” he wondered. When Spot spoke his jaw flapped from its hiding place under the skull like a bird's wings. He put a finger on top of the newspaper he was looking at. It began to move with his hand but then suddenly his hand just fell through the stack. That wasn’t right though Spot didn’t have hands or fingers, I gave him paws. I stared at him for hours reciting the prayer in my head, but nothing ever happened. I guess at some point I finally did pass out. I awoke the next evening at dusk. I clambered out of bed and landed on the shaggy floor. Looking down at my feet I could see my hardwood floors had been covered in black dog hair. I shuffled out to get a cup of coffee but a howling in my room drew right back. “Why do you hate me Father?” Spot whimpered. I was frozen in my doorway. Spot picked up the top newspaper, he got a few inches off the stack before it fell through his hand. “I wish to see the next page Father” Spot sobbed. My breaths were short and sharp. My vision began to strain and turn white. “Why did you create me if you’re just going to ignore me?” Spot howled. Right then and there I made the worst mistake of my life. “I don’t know,” I replied. Spots shining yellow eyes darted towards me. He swiped the newspaper from the top of the stack once more. This time he turned to the second page. “Hate is the cocaine of emotions, so addictive” Spot began. ”And like cocaine it destroys whatever it touches” Spot cackled. “I may be born of hate but I won’t let that be all I am, I will cut it out” Spot whispered. Spot then jumped out the window and ran off into the night. I don’t know what Spot meant by what he said but I do know that I created a monster bent on cutting out hate. I can hear him scratching at the walls below my window. I think he’s come back to cut me out, whatever that entails.