#but maybe i am wrong and maybe it is not that bad idk let me know | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

adxmanial · 1 month

Text

—

#having a time again #I fucking hate rsd #I hate just feeling the overwhelming urge to go scorched earth and abandon everyone and everything I’ve ever known #I thought I had it under control and it got triggered again recently #and it leaves me fucking exhausted and regretting all my life decisions in the end #hate fucking relapsing #hate being unable to read people’s minds #being built fucking Wrong #and having people hate me for reasons I’m not even Aware of because I can’t pick up on it and no one just fucking Talks #no one just Says when they’re bothered they let it fester and then it’s My fault #I didn’t Completely burn this bridge yet but god I am staring at it with a lighter and gasoline in hand #all that’s stopping me is that what I’m about to burn meant and still does mean a lot to me but #I can’t keep fucking doing this #it always ends like this #it never fucking changes and I don’t know why I bother I should stay in my little hole Alone where no one can hurt me #and I can’t accidentally hurt anyone else #idk man #having a fucking time #and maybe I shouldn’t even be Talking about it here #becuase who cares it’s social media #but if I don’t spill my guts Somewhere then I’ll fucking explode and cut ties with Everyone in my life at a trigger’s notice #and I need to pour this out somewhere Else #so I Don’t do something I know is Bad #in a moment of fucking rsd anxiety panic attack #lays down under my rock and dies #becomes a mushroom #if I’m a mushroom I’ll have no more problems #the mushroom hive mind will understand me and I will understand the mushroom hive mind

6 notes · View notes

smimon · 9 months

Text

Something something hope confirmed something something I had no faith but kept going only to succeed in the most unexpected moment something something I was about to continue anyway but if I lose both the faith and the hope in the future, I should remember this one time it worked

This is a post about my creative process and it is very personal to me but it might be difficult to understand because I am not good with words and it is basically the very point here

So yeah many of the comics I make come from my need to communicate certain messages, and I am very bad at communication so it usually doesn't work.

I look at the "failed" stories and save them for later, hoping to perfect them when I have more skill, but in the meantime I recycle the same motif in a new story.

New fandom, new characters, new setting, new tone, new genre, same heart, same me.

And I keep adding them, rows of iterations of the same message dressed in new clothes like character skins in video games. And I keep thinking: I will return to you all and complete you all in the future, and this way my message will be heard, it will be heard in many voices until it maybe gets to someone.

Then something unexpected happened with giant K series. I explained it somewhere, this series is based on a kind of motif I have been using for years, every few years a new retelling, new layout, new skin, but at core always the same.

(How to explain it? It is a silly comedy series, but at the same time it can be a reflection of a strained mind, silenced heart, confused soul. I don't have the right words yet.)

And this time, for the first time ever, it worked. I managed to start posting it, I managed to complete the plot, I managed to make it consistent, whole, harmonic.

And I almost dropped the series soon after it started, ready to put it among its ancestors to wait forever for a revival. But a friend encouraged me to keep going, and after The Post I managed to regain faith in it myself. And then, just recently, I realized that I did in fact manage to tell the story. I alreay told it. This did not change much in the world, but it changed a lot in myself.

And I started to think that maybe I couldn't complete the message before because I didn't have the right material, not enough building bricks that could fit together to form the shape of my thought. And maybe I will never get to complete the other variants of this motif, because the tools I have used constructing them were not the right ones. It was always trial and error, and I am lucky to have somehow landed a way that worked.

(I can still use the plots built around the older takes to tell stories to entertain so it's not like they are useless or something. Also I love them dearly and will never leave them)

I don't know, I am just so happy this lil series got to exist, and that it brings people joy. It brings something else to me too, something I cannot exactly express with words. I might make another comic about it one day lol

#been thinking obsessively how a dream can come true almost unnoticeably #i just now noticed something that was already accomplished last year #i um. i think i am learning how to focus less on the worries and more on the real world #thanks to my friends this is possible 🥺#vent post #diary post #making this unrebloggable because i dont want to make strangers feel uncomfortable reading this if they don't know what to expect from me #but maybe i am wrong and maybe it is not that bad idk let me know #i love to read about other peoples creative process and maybe someone will enjoy this too idk idk

9 notes · View notes

pageofheartdj · 1 year

Text

Getting weirdly tired of 'mansplaining' term(or at the very least it being thrown around thoughtlessly). Are there men who condescend women and put down their intellect? Absolutely. That doesn't mean that every time a man engages in conversation with a woman it is because he assumes she knows less and not because he is just a person that talks to a person.

#like i dunno how to differentiate those #maybe something with the tone and wording?#idk still rubs me the wrong way to expect an attack every time #i am a paranoid bitch so i WILL see everything as bad xD #but i am aware thats paranoia talking in me #and i actually try to imagine any other possible interpretation #while not letting my low self esteem just pretend everything is fine no matter what #this shit is so fucking hard okay xD #uh weirdly rambled here but okay xd

7 notes · View notes

muttsona · 6 months

Text

cause when you leave, you take more than your love

#personal #how self conceded do you have to be to think im gonna be anything but pissed after that dm #and after telling me to die #“oh i get to be selfish skmetimes too” YEHA DAWG I KNOW. YOU HAVE MADE THAT VERY CLEAR #me when being selfish does not equal doing suoer shitty things and not apologizing #yes man lets tells the chronically suicidal guy to die. this is sucha good idea #and its like. i guess ill never understand how im in yhe wrong for doing the exact same thing that he did...#or am i in the wrong for doing something you dont like And having our friend be on my side #i wouldve apologized if you didnt fucking escalate things. and now i realize this could end out friendship #but if youre unwilling to understand how this is ecen a little bit your fault...#i dont Want ro think youre a bad oerson but after this not even our shared laughs can make me have the forgiveness i need for this #and the thing is. at least im admitting its partially my fault #why are you physically fucking incapable of doing rhe same #and its funny when i realize tgat ive been happier since the day we stopped talking....#youre leaving shitty comments under my tumblr posts and im thinking less abt you then j have in months #idk man! maybe i deserve skme stability for once. if its Crazy tk believe #Spotify #💭

4 notes · View notes

collegeoflore · 11 months

Text

filing these under “lines that make xarrai feel extremely normal” as well.

#this whole conversation is a lot for them. LMAO.#i have actually fully rewritten this one as a dialogue study too bc it’s like. a very important moment for them but #idk man. i wish u could argue with him more in game LOL #this convo makes me and xarrai both batshit insane tho LOL #the inbuilt banite ambition they run from but cannot shake (let him take this power and then take it from him)#vs the love for him they refuse to admit is love (this will ruin him)#they don’t WANT this power and they don’t want him to have it but they can’t shake the part of them that plots out how to get it.#but they have to be better than what made them or none of it was worth it etc etc etc i am rambling. anyway. bye #oc. xarrai #r. hold me like a knife #(for durge!xar they r much more like ‘idk if this is a good idea but i will maybe help u??’)#(canon!xar is (after they get over their knee jerk reaction of Oooh I Want It) is very directly to his face like ‘this is an awful idea.’)#realized these tags r not even about the lines in the screenshots. lol.#the whole ‘what cazador did was only wrong because it happened to *me*’ cuts them like a fucking knife tho LOL #it’s such a flagrant rejection of everything xarrai has said to him by this point. and he doesn’t even recognize it as one LOL #but xar hears that as ‘every bit of genuine emotion you’ve shown me and the trust u put in me with ur past meant nothing :) sowwie’#‘it was only bad bc it happened to me and that means it’s not bad when ppl like cazador do things to ppl like u either :)’#and they Know that’s not what he means. but instead of communicating like an adult they just seethe abt it LOL #okay sorry now i’m done.#lord only knows why i exclusively drop lore in the tags.

5 notes · View notes

running-in-the-dark · 9 months

Text

today was exhausting - my friend was here for about 7 hours and I just. oh man I love her and all but it's just a lot sometimes. it's probably for the best that we only meet up like 2-4 times a year now (gives me enough time to forget how draining it is so I look forward to it, and recover afterwards)

I don't talk to anyone but my husband most days, and he doesn't really talk. so that's maybe 15 minutes total of talking. and today it was literally. 7 hours. no breaks except when we were eating (but no even then someone was always talking).

first of all ouch, it hurts (my voice is very hoarse now). and also. it's so so so draining. like. we really have nothing in common at this point. but she's my oldest friend and I do love her so it's tolerable... but just barely. these days there's way too much diet/food/weight loss talk, and also she seems to be getting into alternative medicine which I cannot fucking stand (it's one topic where I can't pretend or be nice about it either). lots and lots of very preachy vegan stuff too (I don't have any problems with it, I admire people who can do it, but fuck dude you know I eat meat and that I've said many times that I *can't* go vegan (I would starve. there's not enough foods that would be left. seriously.) and it feels pretty shitty to keep going on about it every damn time. I'm not sitting there trying to convince her that she should really be an atheist or something, because I know what her thoughts are about that and I respect it.

when she hangs out with her other friends a lot it's mostly just talking about all the issues that come from that (they fucking suck). I don't know, it kind of feels like I'm her therapist. when I talk about something I'm interested in she doesn't ask many questions and it kind of sucks. like, dude I don't care about your plants either, but I'm interested because you care, so. maybe try that too. would be nice!

#like I know alllll about her other friends and their shitty behaviour #and just. it's exhausting #it's also exhausting telling her over and over again that she is too nice. yes being nice is good and all but she lets people walk all over #her and afterwards she goes 'oh well I guess it was probably just because [they had a bad day/other thing that happened/I said the wrong #thing]'. I do that too! but it's just EVERYTHING. always. even when someone is CLEARLY being shitty to her. like her shitty friends. she #will still excuse their behaviour #it just makes me sad man.#buuut #like come on maybe let me talk about my stupid tv show for 5 minutes and try to seem a little interested? I know it's irrelevant I know no #one cares but damn you really can't pretend?? I've mentioned it before a couple times on the phone and she's always just vaguely like 'ah #that sounds interesting' WHEN I HAVEN'T EVEN SAID ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT IT'S ABOUT. but she doesn't ask what it's about so. I just stop #talking about it and we change topics.#like. yeah I know it's a bit weird that I'm in my 30s and that is one of the most important things in my life rn but. that's how I am. it's #always been that way. and my other friends care (or at least pretend to because they care about *me*)#so it feels pretty shitty!#like if I can look at 15 pictures of how big her fucking plants and herbs are getting. idk maybe ask one question about my show.#or like. even things like our new apartment and stuff. she listened and everything. but it's just. there's no interest there really. just #live 'oh that's nice :)' and we move on to the next topic again #idk man it makes me a bit sad (and I know it's ironic because I say she needs to acknowledge that people don't treat her well but. I mean I #do know this isn't great. and I limit my communication with her to a level that doesn't feel too exhausting. so. idk I feel like it's #different or whatever. buut really I just don't have many friends and I get lonely and it's better to listen to someone talk about #themselves all the time than not talking at all)#okay I'm gonna shut up now #and anyway I'm just exhausted and it's all very fresh rn and I'm incredibly tired so I'm very grumpy. usually it's really not that bad.#I just needed to vent I guess #okay bye and goodnight and I will stop talking now I swear #personal

6 notes · View notes

electricpurrs · 1 year

Text

.

#i think ive been going way too overboard from what im actually comfortable with i dont actually like that #this is all weird and ive been acting weird and i feel bad maybe my mind has been way too foggy for me to. really think straight #like that sounds really dramatic i just feel weird and uncomfortable and wrong like my posts are weird and my attempts at talking #to people are weird and my conversations with my friends are weird #like im not acting like myself or im too out of it to remember how to act like myself #idk. i just dont wanna keep doing any of this but im not sure what ''any of this'' is #i got myself in some kind of spiral and im not having fun and i feel bad and gross and lame #i think im in an actual like bad mental health state #and i now im worried i have thousands of people following this damn blog and seeing my posts while im in a vulnerable state #and im acting erratic and weird and because i post my every thought in this website everybody is seeing me act erratic and weird #which just makes me much more anxious #i really hate how prone i am to letting my mental health make me act weird and how prone i am to over posting online due to a lack of #impulse control #and how i have an amount of followers that is way too large for it to be safe or healthy for me to be fucking myself over online #i am not minimally healthy or stable enough to keep my posture in front of a large audience and this should never have happened to me #i dont know that being said i should probably take a break for a bit #post less until i can get my head in place

5 notes · View notes

mysunshine-youremoonlight · 2 years

Text

sometimes i look at things i write and i go "huh. my mental illness is showing"

#vent in tags #<- just to be safe idk what counts tbh lmao #GIRL WHY DID I CRY ABOUT SOMEONE CALLING A SONG FROM TWEWY MID FOR AN ENTIRE DAY??????#why do i keep comparing myself to a houseplant that dies when things go A Little Wrong??????????#hm. maybe i do need to get myself evaluated...#i need to get my eyes checked and go see a psych but i! am incapable! yay! <- knows getting a diagnosis can and probably will make my life #much harder #pls at least let me see if my eyes r fucked or if i am. pls.#optometrists aren't that expensive but it's bad to go alone i think :(#im glad people worry about me but at the same time it makes me wanna die bc like...... no.....#i should not be burdening others with my issues... ya'll have your own lives and issues....#bleh. subjecting myself to the mortifying ordeal of being known sucks #i think its kinda funny that my internet friends always know more about me than my own parents...#but it's not like my parents ever take an interest in me anyway lmao #when i said i wanted to study jp i only got a very sarcastic 'good luck' like... i was at least hoping they might offer to buy me something #to study off of... but they like never take an interest in me anyway lmao #they weren't even here for my birthday. and made plans over new years without me knowing #i only learned when i asked to go see my family for new years bc they hold a celebration and this might be the last time i can go #for like... 4 years. and i don't think i can take myself bc the route is over very windy mountain roads :(#and i... do not trust myself that much in the car... and it hurts me to drive even the 10 mins to and from school sometimes...#my knee and ankle get stiff and my hip starts to hurt... its bad :(#it sucks tho i miss my family i'm lucky if i see them once a year... but its not like the adults give a shit.#sighhhhhhhhhhh. ugh. my life isn't even that bad by a lot of standards so i feel shitty for whining about it #like yeah my parents don't really care about me but at least they feed me and haven't hit me since i was little?#idk man. i should stop talking i think.

12 notes · View notes

opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year

Text

...

#ugh. i wasted a lot of time and money today #bc my leg was suddenly hurting a lot more today and it kinda freaked me out so i went to urgent care #and then they had me get an x ray. luckily my hip looks fine and like i thought i probably strained or tore like an adductor muscle #so all that for something i already knew. but she said i should just chill for like 3 weeks and let it heal #at least nothing worse was wrong but its really annoying. i want to run 😫#wtf am i gonna do to dispel energy??? ugh. and i was supposed to go to thr post office today to send stuff #ill have to go tomorrow. bleh. its so annoying #part of it is just that i hate having to interact with people. like talking to people. like im sure i come across as v young #bc im so anxious and hesitant and im like zero eye contact. so idk it just feels kinda embarrassing #i wanna b like. bro i promis im not stupid. i have 2 advanced degrees in biology and im going for a 3rd. u can talk to me like an adult #its probably just me projecting. my perception is distorted from being made fun of by my sister lol #whatever. at least its just 3 weeks. tho it does remind me i havent been to an actual doctor in like 5 years #...probably should do thst before i move. or idk maybe ill just wait a month and go before school starts #ugh. fuck the American Healthcare system. they looked at me for like 5min and to go to urgent care was $125 with my insurance #thats just to b seen. like i can afford that but what r u supposed to do if u cant?#unrelated #at least its not as bad as when i passed out in class and took a 10 min ambulance ride that somehow cost $700

4 notes · View notes

sanchoyo · 1 year

Text

🧍🏻 girl help the blood tests came back and I do possibly have pre-hypothyroidism. They want me to come back in 3 months to do another panel just in case bc smth was apparently way way too high 😭 wtf !!