#but now that i think about it how traumatic must it have been for sin when he took in orba and the other kids

[star--nymph]

I think people forget with Cullen, and characters like Cullen, that indoctrination is a thing. We're lucky to live in an age where we have a surplus of access to resources that allow us to think critically on the structures around us, to the point where we overlook that most people won't and haven't. Cullen was raised in a backwater village where the main educators and leaders were Templars. He was likely taught scripture by Chantry Sisters, he possibly learned to read and write through them. From the day he was born, he was being taught to love and obey the Chantry with out question--and the Chantry teaches that Templars are a force of good.

So I ask you, how the hell was Cullen, at eight or thirteen years old, going to learn about the crimes of Templars? How was he going to unlearn propaganda that was fed him to him every day by people he respected and possibly loved? How was he supposed to be aware that this idolized image of Templars being the saviors of the people and even mages was a lie?

And then he gets shipped off, happily, to be trained a Templar. Again, he's put into this position where he's fed nothing but propaganda. He doesn't get a real taste of the Order being corrupted until he's out in Kinloch and he's not sure what the hell to do because what he's seeing isn't jiving with what he's been taught for nearly two decades. So yeah, he tries to justify it, he tries to have his cake and eat it too by reasoning that mages should be treated like people but also the Order wouldn't lie to him, so they must be right to act like this. The Maker always had a plan, right?

If Cullen had been lucky, maybe he could have realized earlier on that the Order was abusing mages, that he had been tricked, he could have gotten out and unlearned the bigotry that was planted inside him.

But then BAM! the Broken Circle happened and I don't see how no one gets how perfect this is for the Order? They now have a templar that is so traumatized by mages, he will literally do and say anything to justify their abuses because now? Now he's afraid.

And remember, after Origins, Cullen becomes so erratic, he has to be sent off to a Chantry to 'even him out'--where he was more than likely manipulated even further by the Chantry to be this blood thirsty agent for them. When he's shipped to Kirkwall, they could have not delivered to Meredith a better second in command.

So yeah, is it really surprising that he says shit like 'mages aren't people like you and me' when we meet him in Kirkwall? Man is sleep depraved by the looks of him, swallowing all Meredith's frenzied rhetoric on blood mages, he's seeing for himself the damage these mages are doing, he's isolated from his family, he has no actual friends, and he's living with C-PTSD among other issues. Even under the best of conditions, none of what he says or does in DA2 is surprising when you put it all together.

And yet, the man still had enough of that idealistic child left in him to realize see that Meredith was going off the deep end and that he should be protecting the mages. That's text. That's in World of Thedas. The reason why Cullen is able to turn on Meredith in the end is because he was able to see, even clouded by his fear and hatred, that what she was doing was wrong.

And all this isn't to excuse Cullen's wrongs. It's weird how every time someone brings up Cullen's history, it's assumed that it's just a justification for his actions. It's not, it's an an explanation. Cullen was a victim of the Order that became an abuser, a tool, and he is responsible for his actions.

But the thing is, by DAI, Cullen is well aware of his sins and he actively works to better himself by leaving the Order and getting off lyrium (which for most people is a death sentence). People can argue all day about whether or not Cullen's arc in DAI redeems him or was satisfying, or if he did enough to 'prove' that he was sorry or--good god--does he deserve redemption in the first place (which is such a Catholic way of looking at shit by the way; no one 'deserves' redemption; you do it to be better or you fucking don't) but the fact is that Cullen says that he wants to be better, that he sees the Order as--at the very least--flawed.

That, yes, he's still unlearning all the bigotry he held as a younger man and he's ashamed that he was like that to begin with.

You can hate him all you like, and whatever, but Cullen's story--intentionally or not--is about a man born into an oppressive society, raised to uphold its beliefs, used and abused by it, and then awakening to those lies and trying to free himself from those beliefs so he could be a better person.

And sometimes I genuinely wonder if the reason so many people hate Cullen is because they themselves might have dealt with something similar in our own oppressive society where they also had to unlearn harmful bigotry and maybe, just maybe, he hits too close to home.

[aspoonofsugar]

Charlie's Angels

Don't you love Hazbin Hotel's angels? I do! Especially two of them:

So, here is a meta about my two favourite angels and two of my favourite characters in general!

FALLEN ANGELS

Vaggie and Lucifer are considered weird by other angels:

Lute: Sinful filth like you has NO place in heaven.

Charlie: Lucifer was one of these angels. He was a dreamer with fantastical ideas for all of creation. But he was seen as a troublemaker by the elders of Heaven. For they felt his way of thinking was dangerous to the order of their world.

Vaggie is "weak" because she shows pity, whereas Lucifer is "dangerous " because he thinks in original ways. These differences eventually lead them to be discarded by Heaven:

They become fallen angels and end up in Hell, where they find love and family:

Still, their heavenly upbringing sticks with them. In particular, both Vaggie and Lucifer are traumatized by their respective authority figures.

Vaggie has been indoctrinated by Adam to the point she feels she has no value if she fails:

Vaggie: If I can't help you, what's the point of me?

Lucifer was crushed by the Elders of Heaven and still fears them:

Lucifer: I just don't want you to be crushed by them like- Like I was.

As a result, they:

hide parts of themselves from Charlie: Vaggie conceals her past out of fear. Lucifer instead masks his vulnerability out of shame.

project their unsolved issues on Charlie: Vaggie thinks Charlie's love for her is conditional and lies to her. Lucifer wants to protect Charlie from Heaven to the point he infantilizes her.

So, their impact on the story is double:

Charlie must become able to see Vaggie and Lucifer's hidden parts, if she wants to grow

Vaggie and Lucifer need to change and solve their issues for Charlie's sake

Both these developments tie with the Jungian symbolism of light and shadow.

LIGHT AND SHADOW

Light and shadow are two Jungian Archetypes aka two complementary parts of the human mind:

Light is associated to the persona or mask. It is what a person shows while interacting with the world.

The shadow is what is hidden in the darkness. It is what a person represses and refuses to reveal to the world.

When it comes to Vaggie and Lucifer's role in season 1:

Charlie must accept both Vaggie and Lucifer's shadows and lights. Only in this way she can learn nuance.

Vaggie and Lucifer must face their darkest parts, their shadows and integrate with them. Only in this way they can mature.

Let's explore these parallels journeys.

CHARLIE: BLACK AND WHITE

Vaggie and Lucifer are similar people, but Charlie sees of them opposite things:

She sees Vaggie trying to save the sinners in the present, but ignores she was once an exorcist who murdered thousands of hell people

She sees Lucifer permitting the exterminations in the present, but she ignores that in the past he tried to help sinners like Charlie is doing now

In other words, Charlie sees Vaggie and Lucifer in black and white. In particular, she sees only the white in Vaggie and the black in Lucifer.

White Vaggie

Vaggie and Charlie have been together for three years, but Charlie still knows nothing about her girlfriend's past. Not only that, but it is obvious something is off about Vaggie. She is deeply insecure, overperforming and she basically says she learnt how to trust while fighting in the trenches:

Vaggie: I just need to teach them, the way I was taught… The scene changes to the group standing on a rooftop with half-destroyed buildings all around them. Everyone was shocked that the exercise has taken them to a live turf war battlefield with guns blazing in the background, demons screaming, and explosions booming. Charlie: THIS IS HOW YOU LEARNED TO TRUST PEOPLE?!

And yet, Charlie ignores all these red flags and never tries to go deeper in her understanding of Vaggie. She idealizes her.

Black Lucifer

Lucifer and Lilith have both been absent and have neglected Charlie. However, she only calls out Lucifer, while she justifies Lilith:

Charlie: After he and mom split, he never really wanted to see me. He calls… sometimes, but only if he's bored or like, needs me to do something.

Vaggie: Oof… how long has it been now? Charlie: Not that long, only…seven….years, off doing something important, I'm sure!

Similarly, she acts as if she is upholding only Lilith's legacy:

Charlie: But Lilith's hope remained. And her dream was passed down to their precious daughter, the Princess of Hell.

But the story makes clear the Hazbin Hotel is really an evolution of Lucifer's original dream, as well:

Charlie: So in the end, it's the view I had of you That showed me dreams can be worth fighting for

In short, Lucifer and Lilith have very similar flaws and qualities, but Charlie tends to compartimentalize them, so that Lucifer is cast in a less favourable light, while Lilith is put on a pedestal.

Microchosm and macrochosm

Charlie isn't wrong in her assessment of Vaggie and Lucifer. She is right about Vaggie's good qualities and she has all reasons to call Lucifer out. The point is that there is more to both and Charlie must become able to see it. Just like she must learn to see the shades of gray present in both Heaven and Hell:

Vaggie: Those angels' minds are hard to change.

Lucifer: Charlie! You don't understand. Heaven never listens. They didn't listen to me. They won't listen to you!

Symbolically, Vaggie and Lucifer both try to warn the Princess about Heaven's complexity, but Charlie is initially stuck in a simplistic white and black mentality. Thanks to the two fallen angels and to her trip to Heaven, though, she starts grappling with complexity on both a personal level (microchosm) and on a wider political scale (macrochosm).

Personal level

Lucifer hides his weakness and shortcomings behind a powerful and cold mask:

Lucifer: Alright, I mean, look… I love that you want to see the best in people, but these sinners… You know, they're just the worst. I, I don't know how much you can realistically expect from them in Heaven.

Still, once he opens up and brings to light his real self, Charlie sees how similar she is to him and is able to reforge their relationship:

Both: All that I'm hopin', now that my eyes are open Is that we can start again- not be pulled apart again 'Cause in the end, you are part of who I am

As a result, Charlie feels empowered and has a renewed enthusiasm and optimism towards her dream:

Lucifer: I'll support your dream, whatever lies in store Charlie: And who could ask for more?

Lucifer's hidden shadow turns out to be a bright and warm light.

Vaggie shows Charlie unconditional support and has complete faith in her and her dream:

Charlie: I just hope what I'm trying to do here will work. Vaggie: It will. I have faith in you.

However, she doesn't tell Charlie that she used to be among the very people who brought carnage into Hell:

So, once Charlie discovers it, she is hurt, enraged and temporally loses her inner balance, giving in to negativity and hopelessness:

Vaggie's shadow is darker than Charlie imagined.

Political level

Charlie sees Heaven as the perfect realm and is initially enchanted by it:

Charlie: Okay, I love Heaven! Vaggie, did you see the ice cream shop? They had sprinkles made of rainbows!

However, throughout her journey there, she realizes Heaven too has cracks, contradictions and shadows:

Charlie: Wait… none of you know what gets someone into Heaven?

Which leads her to sing this:

Charlie and Emily: The rules are shades of gray when you don't do as you say When you make the wretched suffer just to kill them again

In answer to this:

Adam: 'Cause the rules are black and white There's no use in tryin' to fight it They're burnin' for their lives Until we kill 'em again!

The world isn't black and white, but shades of gray. The moment Charlie understands it, she can finally make sense of Vaggie and Lucifer's warning:

Charlie: I was told not to trust in angels

CHARLIE'S CONCLUSION: BRIDGES

Vaggie and Lucifer kickstart Charlie's arc. It is through them that the princess starts facing nuance in three ways:

Personal relationships: Charlie thinks she knows Vaggie and Lucifer the best, but both are able ot surprise her and to show her hidden sides of themselves, both bad and good.

Politics: Vaggie and Lucifer symbolically lead the Princess of Hell into Heaven and help her make sense of this contradictive realm. Specifically, Lucifer organizes Charlie's meeting with Sera and Vaggie goes to the questioning with Charlie.

Identity: thanks to her conflicts with Lucifer and Vaggie, Charlie faces her own lights and shadows. She discovers an inner strength when she inspires Lucifer to trust her. Meanwhile she touches her inner darkness when Vaggie hurts her. Both this power and this vulnerability are parts of who Charlie is and it is only by integrating them that she can bloom into the Princess of Hell.

In other words, Vaggie and Lucifer are Charlie's bridges towards:

Heaven and her role as Princess of Hell (macrochosm)

Who she is deep down as a person (microchosm)

They are Charlie's bridges towards light and shadow.

VAGGIE AND LUCIFER: GUARDIAN ANGELS

Vaggie and Lucifer are meant to be Charlie's personal guardian angels, as both want to protect her. Still, they can't succeed if they do not grow. So, they go through parallel arcs that can be seen as journeys of integration with the shadow:

They are forced to take off their masks (persona)

They are overwhelmed by their most hidden and shameful parts (shadow)

They conquer their shortcomings and grow (integration with the shadow)

Let's explore these three steps.

Blinding light: Sera

Sera embodies the persona, as she tries to mask everything wrong or disturbing behind a facade of perfection:

In Emily's imagination, Sera is a generous angel, who shares her light with others.

She blinds everyone with her virtue, wisdom and goodness, all while hiding exterminations and her involvement in them:

Lute: SHHH. Sir, what was the Seraphim's one rule? Adam: Uuughhh, "No one but the exorcists can know about the exterminations".

At the same time, she is an important foil to both Vaggie and Lucifer.

Sera and Vaggie try to hide their crimes from respectively Emily and Charlie. They love the two princesses and are worried for their well-being. At the same time, they are scared the two girls might resent them if they discovered they took part in the exterminations. Despite their efforts, though, Adam eventually reveals both of their secrets:

Adam: Gotta say, I can't wait to Sera: Adam… Adam: Come down and exterminate you!

Vaggie: Don't, Adam, please! Adam: What's the fuss? Why hide the fact that you're an angel Just like us

Emily and Charlie are horrified by the truth. Still, Sera and Vaggie's reactions are opposites.

On the one hand Sera immediately forces Emily to repress everything she is feeling. In this way, the status quo is quickly re-established and superficially their relationship goes back to how it was. By the end, Sera and Emily are shown working together, as per usual:

However, it is obvious they aren't facing their problems, which will only grow deeper.

On the other hand Vaggie gives Charlie time to process her feelings and express her anger. She doesn't try to force the Princess of Hell to get over it and waits until Charlie is ready to forgive her. All while working hard to fulfill Charlie's dream. By the end Charlie and Vaggie are back together, but their relationship is now deeper and stronger:

They start facing their issues and their bond develops because of it.

Sera and Lucifer are respectively Emily and Charlie's authority figures. They both care deeply about the young girls and want to protect them from Heaven. Still, the two older angels are also condescending towards them. Not only that, but they hide important parts of their personality from the two kids. In other words, they both wear masks. Still, Sera's mask is effective and she and Emily are very close. Lucifer's mask is ineffective, as he unwillingly pushes Charlie away. In the end, both masks come off and what emerges is opposite:

Emily discovers a negative side of Sera, meanwhile Charlie sees a positive side of Lucifer. Moreover, Sera and Lucifer eventually deal with the girls in different ways. Sera decides that Emily must conform to avoid any possible danger. Lucifer instead decides to support Charlie's dream, even if it might lead her to suffer. Sera chooses to protect Emily by enforcing repression. Lucifer chooses to enable Charlie's self-expression. Sera keeps treating Emily as a childish extension of herself. Lucifer starts accepting Charlie as her own adult person.

Sera: I couldn't bear to see you suffer that fate, so please, let me worry about this, ok?

Lucifer: Okay, I can get you the meeting, but once you're in Heaven, I won't be able to go with you. Will you be ok? Charlie: I'll be fine. Lucifer: That's my girl. Good luck kiddo.

Sera, Vaggie and Lucifer all hide parts of themselves from their loved ones and have their real selves exposed. However, Sera refuses to admit her crimes and does not accept neither Emily's anger nor her wishes. Vaggie and Lucifer instead admit their mistakes and accept both Charlie's negativity (Vaggie) and her dreams (Lucifer). Sera fails to take off the mask and is stuck in blinding light. Vaggie and Lucifer instead put the mask away and step into the shadow.

The darkest shadow: Alastor

Alastor embodies the shadow, as he preys on people's fears and insecurities:

Alastor materializes and controls beings made of shadows.

He does the same with the Princess of Hell, as well. He waits until Charlie hits rock bottom and manipulates her into making a deal:

Charlie: How? I'll do anything. Alastor: Anything? Then… let's make a deal.

What's interesting is that Alastor succeeds because both Vaggie and Lucifer fail Charlie.

First of all, Vaggie and Lucifer are framed as the two main obstacles to Alastor's plan, either directly (Vaggie) or indirectly (Lucifer):

Vaggie: Charlie, whatever you do, do not make a deal with him! Charlie: Don't worry, I picked up one thing from my dad! "You don't take shit from other demons!"

For example, in the pilot Vaggie strongly advises Charlie against trusting Alastor and Charlie answers that Lucifer taught her how to handle these kinds of situations. So, Vaggie's presence and Lucifer's teachings are Charlie's main defense against the Radio Demon. Still, Alastor quickly seizes upon Vaggie and Lucifer's weaknesses:

Alastor: Not for your soul, just a simple deal. I do this for you, and you never ask me to engage with this frivolous television technology ever again. Or…Charlie can come back to absolutely nothing. Your choice.

Alastor: Sadly, there are times a birth parent is a dud They say the family you choose is better

He makes use of Vaggie's insecurities over her usefulness to Charlie and taunts Lucifer's absence from his daughter's life. He doesn't really need to do anything else because the two angels' flaws do the rest.

Vaggie's lie hurts Charlie so much, that the princess pushes her girlfriend away in a moment where she needs all the support avaiable:

Vaggie: She's upstairs. Coming up with something, I'm sure, in our room. Alone.

And in this very moment Lucifer is nowhere to be seen, despite the fact he knows of his daughter's trip to Heaven. He either ignores how the meeting went and doesn't bother to ask. Or he knows it went badly and isn't there to offer a helping hand. Either way, he is absent.

In this context, it is telling the only ones there for Charlie are Razzle and Dazzle:

The two demons are Lucifer's gift to Charlie and have the mission to protect the princess. So, they are an extension of Lucifer himself and a perfect example of his parenting style:

Lucifer: Who needs a busboy now that you've got the chef? (Woh-oh-oh!) Michelin tasting menu, free à la carte I'll rig the game for you because I'm the ref! Champagne fountains Caviar mountains That's just to start!

"I don't need to be there and struggle psychologically if I give my daughter fancy toys, like two dragon body-guards!". Except, Razzle and Dazzle aren't Lucifer and it shows:

Symbolically, Charlie pushes Razzle and Dazzle away before taking Alastor's hand. Immediately after this, Vaggie breaks into the room:

Vaggie: No. No! Alastor: Right on cue! Vaggie: What did you do? Let her go!

The framing is rather clear. Vaggie's lie and Lucifer's absence leave Charlie vulnerable to Alastor. In a sense, the Radio Demon skillfully steps in to temporally play both Vaggie and Lucifer's roles:

He is there to help Charlie save the Hotel, as the Hotel Manager Vaggie usually does

He is there to mentor Charlie, as her actual father Lucifer fails to do

So, Vaggie and Lucifer screw up and their loved one takes a dangerous bet as a result. This ties with the shadow symbolism, as both angels fail to face their darkest parts in time. Vaggie has plenty of chances to tell Charlie the truth, but doesn't. Lucifer has just promised to support Charlie's dream, but once again he isn't there for her. Vaggie and Lucifer truly love Charlie and want to change for her, but they both struggle to do so. Luckily, they are soon given a second chance.

Conquering the shadow: Lute and Adam

Lute and Adam are Charlie's two major enemies in season 1 and they are negative foils of respectively Vaggie and Lucifer:

Just like Vaggie, Lute is an exorcist, who puts all her self-worth into her ability to kill:

Adam: Lute, how many demons did you kill this year? Lute: Got a good 275 this year, sir. Adam: 275? Woah! Badass! Awesome job, danger tits! Pound it.

She deals with problems by using violence and is fiercely loyal to Adam, like Vaggie is to Charlie.

Just like Lucifer, Adam struggles with Lilith leaving and wears a mask of arrogance to hide his vulnerability and low self-esteem. Not only that, but both Lucifer and Adam are authority figures who fail the people below them:

Lucifer: Our "people", Charlie, are awful! They got gifted free will and look what they did with it! Everything's terrible!

Adam: I started everything on Earth! All of mankind came from these fucking nuts! You all should be worshipping me, you ungrateful, disgusting, fucking losers-!

So, Lute and Adam embody Vaggie and Lucifer's repressed dark side. They are who the two fallen angel might become, but choose not to be. They are Vaggie and Lucifer's shadows. This is why, the Hotel Manager and the King od Hell are asked to fight the two exorcists in the finale, in order to protect Charlie.

On the one hand Vaggie fights Lute by refusing her mentality:

She juxtaposes a defensive fighting style to the exorcist's overly aggressive one. Moreover, Vaggie refuses Lute's rethoric about violence and revenge and shows her opponent mercy.

On the other hand Lucifer fights Adam to save his people, while Adam threathens his own descendants. Lucifer fights to protect, whereas Adam attacks to kill. As a result, Lucifer protects his daughter and is helped by her:

Adam instead is killed by a symbolic child (Niffty) and leaves his metaphorical daughter (Lute) behind:

In the end, both Vaggie and Lucifer win, but they do not kill Lute and Adam:

Vaggie: Seriously, you're pathetic, you know that? Ready to die rather than accepting mercy? No, live. Live knowing that you only do because I let you, the failure.

Vaggie spares Lute and rushes to Charlie's side to help her.

Charlie: Whoa, whoa, Dad. He's had enough. Lucifer: Alright. How's mercy taste, you little bitch?

Lucifer listens to Charlie's plead and shows mercy to Adam.

This happens because both Lute and Adam represent repressed parts of Vaggie and Lucifer. They are symbolically those sides our fallen angels refuse to face. They are their flaws, their past, their fears, their worse selves. So, Vaggie and Lucifer can't really kill them because it would mean to kill themselves. In fact, you can't kill your shadow, but you have to face it, without letting it take over. That is what both Vaggie and Lucifer do for Charlie's sake.

VAGGIE AND LUCIFER'S CONCLUSION: MORE THAN ANYTHING

Lucifer: More than anything (Charlie: More than anything) More than anything (Charlie: More than anything) Both: I'm grateful you're (Lucifer: my daughter/Charlie: my father) more than anything More than anything

Charlie and Vaggie: There's something that I've been dying to say More than anything, more than anything Need you to know I love you more than anything More than anything

Vaggie and Lucifer share different versions of the song More Than Anything with Charlie. Why is that so?

The song celebrates different kinds of love, like Lucifer and Charlie's familial bond and Vaggie and Charlie's romantic relationship.

The song highlights Vaggie and Lucifer's importance to Charlie

This importance is shown in the finale, where Vaggie and Lucifer not only defeat Charlie's enemies, but are also by the Princess's side:

Vaggie sings to Charlie before the battle, when the princess fears her loved ones might die

Lucifer sings to Charlie after the battle, when the princess is grieving her losses

Both support Charlie, when she is at her most vulnerable and they reassure her she did good:

Vaggie: You've already done so much So many lives you've changed So many souls you've touched And in the end, if it's only me you've saved

Lucifer: You can do this, now I know it! For your story has just begun You can't quit now. Hell, you owe it! There's still damage to be undone You've changed my mind, you've touched their hearts Found the good in souls gone bad

Both tell Charlie she has touched their souls and saved them.

So, Vaggie and Lucifer fail Charlie the moment she goes to face Heaven, but they are there for her when she fights to protect Hell. They screw up, learn and do better. As a result, they stand by Charlie's side, as the season comes to a close:

Vaggie is there because she has accepted Charlie's anger and her forgiveness. By doing so, she has accepted her violent past and has realized she can forgive herself.

Lucifer is there because he has accepted Charlie's ambitions and dreams. In this way, he was reminded of his past idealistic self and has found a new faith and new hopes.

THE FUTURE - ANGELIC SIBLINGS

In season 1, Vaggie, Lucifer and Charlie all struggle with their shadows, but their integration with their most repressed parts is far from over. What new challenges await them?

Among (many) others, I think all three characters are set-up to have "angelic siblings", who may step in as shadow archetypes. So, these angelic counterparts might embody parts of themselves the demons do not want to aknowledge.

Vaggie and Lute

Lute already plays the role of Vaggie's shadow in season 1. Vaggie's flashback makes the symbolism pretty clear:

Vaggie sees her shadow as she is about to kill a helpless child and stops herself. Only for another darker shadow to appear over her. That is Lute, who proceeds to rip her eye and wings off.

The meaning is obvious: Lute is the violent part of herself that Vaggie wants to escape. And yet, she will need to face Lute again and again. Even more importantly, she will need to aknowledge their shared upbringing and trauma, which is at the root of their issues.

Lucifer and Sera

Sera mentions Lucifer twice in Welcome to Heaven.

The first time, in relation to Charlie:

Sera: Well, you failed to control the demons' unrest, and now Lucifer is involved, setting up an audience for his misguided daughter.

The second time, in relation to Emily:

Sera: Please.... if you start to question... you could end up like Lucifer: Fallen.

I think the implication is that Sera and Lucifer used to be close (probably sibling-like), but Lucifer's fall changed things.

Sera right now seems to see different sides of Lucifer in Charlie and Emily:

In her first mention of Lucifer, Sera rolls her eyes and says Charlie is misguided. Except that she doesn't really know Charlie by this point. So, she is clearly seeing her as an extension of Lucifer. Specifically, she sees Charlie's attempt to change the system as similar to Lucifer's past ambitions: dangerous.

In her second mention of Lucifer, Sera warns Emily not to end up like him. She is clearly scared for the young Seraphim. Except that Emily is an angel version of Charlie, who is a younger version of Lucifer. In other words, Sera probably sees Emily as the embodyment of everything she loves about Lucifer. So, she wants to avoid history from repeating.

In other words, Sera projects on the two girls what she dislikes (Charlie) and what she misses (Emily) of Lucifer. Except that she can't have one without the other. More importantly, Sera and Lucifer will have to eventually meet to solve their past.

As a matter of fact it is possible Sera and Lucifer share the same authority figures: the Elders of Heaven. These parental figures probably traumatized them both on some level. So, we may have a scapegoat/golden child dynamic similar to the one Vaggie and Lute have:

Lucifer and Vaggie refuse their authority figures' teachings and end up in Hell as a consequence.

Sera and Lute accept these teachings and reach a position of authority. Sera is the High Seraphim of Heaven, while Lute is Adam's liutenant.

Sera and Lute are the ones who physically banish Lucifer and Vaggie and the ones who get in the way of the fallen angels (Sera politically and Lute physically).

Given this set-up and these similarities with Vaggie and Lute, it would be interesting to see how a future interaction between Lucifer and Sera will go. Sera might have the potential to challenge Lucifer when it comes to his past, his role as a parent and who he wants to be in the future.

Charlie and Emily

Emily is who Charlie would be if she were born in Heaven instead of Hell. She shares the Princess of Hell's kindness, but also her naivety and her innocent condescension:

Emily: Gosh, I'm so pleased to show some outsiders around After you see our realm, you'll never wanna go back down St. Peter and Emily: 'Cause every single day in Heaven is a happy day Welcome to Heaven

You'll be complete! It'll be so neat! Our service can't be beat! You'll be on easy street! (Yes!) Life will be sweet at the Happy Hotel~!

These traits are actually stronger in Emily, as Heaven presents itself as peaceful and perfect.

In Welcome to Heaven, both Charlie and Emily have their vision of the world crushed:

Emily: What are you saying? Let me get this straight You go down there and kill those poor souls?

Adam: Don't you act all high and mighty Did you ever think your little girlfriend might be a liar?

However, Charlie is given the chance to work on her internal flaws, while Emily is forced to push everything under the rug:

Sera: They were uprising, Emily! It is my position as the head Seraphim to protect our people at all costs. And it's your position to keep them happy and joyful. Emily: How can I bring joy when I now know we are bringing misery to thousands of innocent people? Sera: Heaven needs us, Emily. Everyone looks to us… and we can't doubt ourselves or worry about the fates of demons when we have our own souls to protect.

So, it would be interesting to see what kind of bond Charlie develops with this other self and how they can help each other grow.

Obviously, these are all just theories, but it would be cool to have all these angel characters explored more in later seasons!

[tired-reader-writer]

Why Greylise Is My OTP: An Essay

To preface this, I would like to state that this in no way implies any other ship is wrong or invalid, we all ship what we ship! I merely hope to convey why I prefer Graham* as a love interest for Elise over Linden.

Some of my quips will get on the more negative side, since I do mislike Linden and take issue with the story's writing at several points. However, this is only my opinion and absolutely not intended to put down those who enjoy this manhwa. Hey, I keep rereading it too! Even if it makes me want blood pressure medication sometimes.

Some rare few of you might have vague memory of a post similar to this having made before, by another blog, but surprise surprise t'was I all along! It was my side-blog @a-perfect-summer-storm which I had deleted due to personal reasons. I thought I ought to remake the post since I'm still surprisingly fond of this ship even after all this time, but this time better! I'm even making this on the website instead of the app so that I can fit like, 20+ screencaps in it. The app only allows 10 images per post.

*You may have realized that I kinda spelled Graham's name two ways, that's because I thought Greyham made for a prettier ship name while as a standalone name it looked a little funny. I'll probably only use Graham to refer to him as an individual while still having the ship name be Greylise.

So then! Without further ado, here thus begins my meta!

Part I: Reflections of Each Other

Their storylines and backgrounds are placed in a parallel position from the get-go— Elise as Song Jihyun/Jihyeon's debut introduces herself as a genius young lecturer, and Graham's introduction does the same. This would make for a good way to make the readers start connecting the dots between them.

And the similarities don't end here.

They're both orphans. While we're not told how Song Jihyun turned out an orphan (given up as an infant? lost parents in a traumatic manner?)— actually we hardly know anything about her aside from the fact that she's super smart and is a workaholic which is a writing flaw imo her past life only functions as an excuse to have her be super mega capable but I digress— it is clear that she's consumed by grief and guilt.

The panels I've featured here of little Jihyun were attached to a scene where Elise was musing about how she didn't even have parents to treasure even if she'd wanted to, so that's why she's being good to her family now because she's learnt the true value of familial bonds. Imagine you'd just been burnt to death only to wake up as an orphan in a strange, unfamiliar world where you have no one in your corner and must restart from the ground-up, wouldn't at least part of you think this life full of hardships must be some sort of punishment for your sins?

We know that she specifically became a doctor to atone for her sins— and we can infer that she's buried herself into it out of guilt and didn't allow herself to be happy as her internal monologue during the plane crash says:

“No! I can't die like this! My life is still miserable! Just when I'd decided to live happily!”

This was mere moments before her death. Let that sink in.

Imagine being a young child who'd just lost his entire family to a plague. Remember how the housekeeper told Elise that Graham was the eldest son. Eldest. Meaning he had younger siblings. Imagine the feeling of powerlessness. Imagine the feeling of being useless, imagine the guilt.

While I am a youngest child, I can say with full confidence from watching my eldest sister that... eldest siblings do have a sense of responsibility and protectiveness towards their younger siblings, even if, yes, due to bad parenting friction and animosity can fester between siblings. We're not given any indication of that, though, so I'll assume that Graham's relationship with his younger siblings must've been largely positive.

With Graham specifically, I would theorize that he suffers from survivor's guilt.

What's survivor's guilt, you may ask. Well, worry not! I've got the info for ya:

“Survivor's guilt is the response to an event that some people experience when they survive a traumatic event or situation that others did not.”

×

“Survivor guilt or survivor's guilt (but also survivor syndrome, survivor's syndrome, survivor disorder and survivor's disorder) is a mental condition that occurs when a person believes they have done something wrong by surviving a traumatic or tragic event when others did not.”

It's not stated or shown directly that he suffers from this, but judging from how he, a young boy of less than ten, made it his entire life mission to become a doctor who can cure everything, yeahhh I wouldn't say it's that big of a stretch.

I wish the story would've expanded upon that, given him a proper arc/spotlight instead of having Linden hog all the screentime but I guess that can't be helped when the author favors the male lead so much...

Notice how they both suffered immense loss: for Elise it was her family, her world, her comfort, her everything— and for Graham it was his family and yeah, losing his entire family in a traumatic manner would be the equivalent of his world coming crashing down. Notice how they both (at least by my extrapolation because canon doesn't care enough about Graham to dig into it—) strove to become doctors out of guilt.

Yet another tidbit of similarity between the two. Not much to comment here, only that they both went through immense hardship.

Part II: The Answer To Each Other's Prayer

Remember the deadly plague that killed the entire Fallon family? It rears its ugly head in the narrative once more, and Graham must face the thing that traumatized him to such a degree.

Or, he would, if the story actually gave a shit about him. As it is, he barely even exists in the periphery of this plotline, even as it's something that's so twined to his backstory and character. I will never not be mad about it.

So here on out it'll be extrapolation with what little knowledge of psychology and writing ability I have, some theories, aka My City Now.

Imagine you're facing your demons. The catalyst that sent you down this path, the path you've dedicated your entire being to. More and more patients show up with similar symptoms to the ones your family suffered all those years ago. It's getting harder to deny.

What do you feel in response to that?

You couldn't save your family twenty years ago. Can you save your patients' lives this time?

Or will you fail again?

Remember my theory that he has survivor's guilt. Remember my theory that he became a doctor because of said survivor's guilt.

What is the cost of failure for him here, psychologically?

In an ideal world, his perspective would've been given proper focus, have him play a more active role by Elise's side, but as we've established canon doesn't give a flying fuck about him soooo. Ugh.

In canon Elise essentially one-man armied her way through this plot point and solved everything by herself, but imagine if Graham had been allowed to be by her side. Had been allowed to be something almost like an equal. Imagine if they were shown collaborating. Yes, they did work together, but it wasn't shown and he was shunted into the background.

Imagine them working together, and the plague is stopped.

The plague that had killed his entire family, stopped in only a mere few days.

Imagine if they were allowed to have a character arc. Imagine if their relationship were allowed to actually develop. Imagine if it'd been given the narrative significance it could've, should've had.

Actually, the cholera arc would've been a perfect opportunity for this thread to be resolved. To backtrack a bit to back before Elise took the medical licensing exam, she saved a Duchess's life with a difficult operation, and her identity as not Rose but Elise de Clorance was subsequently revealed to Graham, who is shocked by this development, and ends up emotionally distancing himself from Elise. The cholera arc, where theoretically Elise would've been able to help him confront the source of his trauma and help him defeat it, could've been the perfect point for reconciliation. Elise could've even confided in him about her situation— her giving up her ticket to freedom for her brother's sake, her not being in love with Linden and how the Emperor has been trying to corner her into being betrothed to the prince, stuff like that. C'mon, let her be frustrated! Let her be angry! Also I really despise the king. As someone who was manipulated and coerced into attending medical school, I take severe issue with characters who do what my mother did to me. I guess I would've taken it better if the narrative called it out for what it was: manipulation, but it only ever frames the king as a jolly old good man who just really likes Elise. Ugh.

In an ideal version she wouldn't be in love with Linden but y'know, she isn't exactly in love w Linden at this point in the story (Ron doesn't count) so I'll take what I can get.

I won't get into it in this post but I have Thoughts about how there's two Fake Identity threads that ran... pretty much simultaneously, and how one could've had potential while the other (in my opinion) was completely and utterly pointless... I'll probably make another post just for it.

Despite everything, Elise heads off to war, and what awaits her afterwards is a caged life where she would surely wither. But that's in the future, and right now she's dealing with corruption, low budget, low supplies, not enough staff, and who shows up for her?

Man, imagine how resonant this moment could've been if they'd been allowed to reconcile and grow closer in the arc immediately preceding it. Imagine.

I am so mad about the wasted potential.

Just as she had saved him (in the theoretical version of the story where he's actually relevant) psychologically in the cholera arc, he will be the one to save her physically (and maybe also psychologically as well, by telling Linden who in an ideal version wouldn't be in love with her, about her struggles and pleads with the prince to help her— y'know, break out of the situation she'd been cornered into by his father).

Imagine the narrative symmetry we could've had.

Part III: The Path Forward

I actually had to skip forward to get the screencaps I wanted, my reread had only gotten to the point where he shows up for her, but I digress. I always thought it made no sense that he would've followed her back away from the frontlines where they would've needed a capable doctor to lead the hospital in her stead but oh well.

In the theoretical version where the story gave a shit about him... Elise would've been able to break off her engagement w Linden because he petitioned with his father to do so at Graham's behest, both doctors get rewarded (Elise was given a peerage separate from her family's iirc, and this would be a good chance for Graham to be able to bring honor to his family name like he wanted as well), they both become lecturers at the Royal Cross Hospital, they both get to move forwards, having broken free of the chains that bound them down, hand-in-hand.

I hope I managed to convey why I like this ship more than Linden/Elise— it's the potential they hold, and I'm very irritated that the story never gave enough of a shit about Graham to follow up on that potential. Graham was nerfed to make way for Linden and I stand on this hill.

Anyways, I now have an AU for this story (I actually have had it for a while but just never posted about it) and I have a name for it now! Kinda! Current placeholder title is From the Valley of Red Flowers. The hypotheticals and theories and stuff I mentioned in this post will be canon to the AU!

Was this too much effort for a ship nobody really cares about? Maybe! I know not many have read Doctor Elise, and fewer still use tumblr. This isn't one of the more popular ones like Who Made Me A Princess, even though Doctor Elise somehow got an anime adaptation.

[anawkwardlady]

Care for a little confusing rambling of mine? Lets go!

It brings me back to EP2's Tea Party, when Beato explains to Rosa that it would be useless to bring her to a world where she was never abused, because she would not remember being abused and would not reach closure, she would just have never felt the pain.

Here, if she just told him what sin Battler committed, he would probably simply apologize and it would not ease the pain of being forgotten (by him) and neglected (by everyone) that finding a way to make him remember would. If she told him and he apologized, she would have to deal with the fact that he actually abandoned her and there would be nothing to do to heal this deep wound anymore. It would become a closed issue. If he remembered he would have find his way back on a white horse in some ways, despite having hurt her, he would acknowledge and understand her pain, he would actually acknowledge her, he would remember her. So better to leave the wound raw and open until he does.

And it's ironic because we're basically told that it doesn't serves anyone and can lead to the worst ends... By Beato in that EP2 Tea Party. Rosa is fed her siblings who were tortured in the most cruel way possible while Beato laughs about how happy and satisfied she must feel right now. She doesn't want to move on right? She hates her siblings so much right? She wishes Eva would just shut up right? Here here, since you want to hold up to that pain and anger so bad, here have her tongue cut out nine times and while you're at it, just eat your daughter too, she deserves your abuse too the entire world does! You feel better right? You feel satisfied and healed right? It doesn't hurt anymore right?

Obviously I don't think it was the aiming but I just think theres an ironic parallel here. Because it just keeps happening.

We know it's meaningfully useless but they don't or don't want to know. When you've been deeply wounded and traumatized, it's hard and painful to be at peace with the fact that nothing you do to others will help you feel better and they can't save you either. Apologies won't work, endless torture either. It still feels right to try though, no one wants their pain to be meaningless and forgotten. We want others to bear their cross as an acknowledgment of our pain.

Pain is such a complicated thing and sometimes when it involves others we would rather feel it even more to feel it a little less. I personally relates to it quite deeply. So unfortunately no, writing "I love you" on a piece of paper was not a possibility....

[saras-devotionals]

Quiet Time 3/26

What am I feeling today?

I’m in a bit of pain that’s been lasting for about four to five days now and I had hoped I’d have gone away by now but hasn’t. I’m also saddened by the bridge collapsing in Baltimore earlier today, could you imagine how terrifying that must’ve been? To be driving across a bridge, it’s breaking and collapsing, and then you and your car are plunged in the river below in the middle of the night, surrounded by darkness? It breaks my heart, that must be truly traumatizing and I pray that they recover everyone and that they’re all okay. On the bright side, I get to travel back to my home city again and I’m bringing one of my friends and niece and can’t wait to show them Pittsburgh! It’s always nice going back home🥹

Luke 11 NIV

(v. 2-4) “He said to them, “When you pray, say: “ ‘Father, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come. Give us each day our daily bread. Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us. And lead us not into temptation. ’ ””

Here’s Jesus giving us the example of how we’re supposed to pray. I don’t believe we are meant to say this word for word every time, more so to use it as a template. Praising God first and thanking Him for what He’s gone for us. Petitioning and making our requests before Him. And finally, forgiveness for our sins because even as disciples, we sin daily, none of us can say that we’re without sin.

(v. 9-13) “So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. “Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

I know that I ask God for a lot. Every day I present requests to Him but I know that I don’t actually deserve anything. Not to put my worry down or anything but God already gave us His son when she didn’t need to. That’s already a gift that we’re unworthy of but He gave Jesus because He loves us. And He’ll give us other things we pray for (as long as it honors Him) because He loves us. Also, in the verse beforehand, at the end of the parable Jesus is giving, he says that it’s given because of the man’s “shameless audacity” and honestly it made me laugh because it’s so true! Who are we that we feel we are in any position to ask God for whatever we want when we’re not even really worthy of life (but are now bc of Jesus).

(v. 24-26) ““When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first.””

I think this is kinda terrifying, but also annoying. Terrifying in that even when the impure spirits leave us as we come into our lives with Christ, then be back and even stronger, with more wicked spirits. I say it’s annoying because they’re coming back, like come on! really? y’all can’t just leave us alone in peace but gotta keep attacking us? but, with the word of God and with Jesus and the Holy Spirit in our lives, we can resist these attacks and stand firm in our faith.

(v. 28) “He replied, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it.””

This! It is not enough to just listen to the word of God. We can listen to the Bible for every second of our life, but if we don’t do what it says, then it’s all been in vain. I think this myself sometimes, every day I sin and I’m aware that I don’t obey everything as I should. I can catch myself, and note where I need to improve, and make a daily effort, but I also know I’ll always fall short.

(v. 34-36) “Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are healthy, your whole body also is full of light. But when they are unhealthy, your body also is full of darkness. See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness. Therefore, if your whole body is full of light, and no part of it dark, it will be just as full of light as when a lamp shines its light on you.””

I had a bit of a hard time understanding this so I went to some commentary for clarity:

Here Jesus addressed himself to correcting his hearers’ inability (through their sins) to appreciate truth, and to read God’s sign, when they should finally see it. It was not at all the nature of the sign that needed correction but the quality of perception in his sinful audience, the evil generation which confronted him.

[yeo-rims]

Just watched the final episodes of TWOE and I'm still trying to process it… what made me the saddest was the fact the main couple broke up. In a way, the crime aspect is so intricate but the core four had so much feelings for each other and the screenplay only shows a glimpse of it. I guess that the dynamics between Junmo and Gicheol weren't fully explored. Their friendship had eveything to be amazing and it didn't feel like that in the end. Also Euijeong loosing Junmo after all of this, after the fact he only did this so he wouldn't be mistreated by her family. In a way, I don't doubt she would be the one to finish the relationship because even with Gicheol being a criminal he was close to her and he died in her arms and inside of her house. At the end all that was left was suffering. Anyway, JCW deserves a Baeksang for his work in this, it required a lot of facial expressions and he conveyed so many nuanced feelings

The main couple break up - If we can even call that, because you might as well say they're still together, even if it's just on paper (a family of cops don't divorce etc) - was actually my last straw. Mostly because it made no sense with Euijeong's character throughout the show. Of course, she was sad, scared he would get hurt and at the end afraid of what he was turning... but she also stayed by his side through it all and it just makes no sense Junmo would be so jealous to the point he wouldn't forgive the woman he killed a man to protect. He did the same thing to her! I believe he had feelings for Hae Ryeon, the same way I believe Euijeong had feelings for Gi Cheol... but for me it would have been more powerful if they at least got together at the end? Like, commit to something! to infidelity, to a marriage, to partners in crime or cops above it all. In the end, the show chose to do nothing. The police stayed the same, is Junmo more corrupt now? I don't know. [The final episode of Watcher [mild-spoiler ahead] left me wondering about the future of Han Suk Kyu's and Seo Kang Joon's characters, because after all they have seen (and done) are they the same? Can we trust them? It really left that question hanging. But TWOE finale just left me thinking Junmo is kinda sad and traumatized, but mostly because he lost his wife, kind of. I feel like my main issue is that the show was committed to the institutions I dislike the most (the church and the police). So we must punish the sins and we must be good and in the end, the evil is locked up and the good are repenting (because they've sinned!), but no one rebelled. Even Hae Ryeon's dream is to be what... a normal girl? But why? It's a gangster show, I wasn't looking for a happy ending, but I was hoping for an ending that wasn't boring at least. An ending that made me feel something. You know when you watch/read something and in the end a character says/does something and you just get it? It all comes together and it feels like you've been punched? The show had the opportunity to deliver that in the end, especially after how insane the past episode was, but they were too coward, I feel. And it's sad because it had a lot of potential, a charming casting, and Wi Ha Joon's charisma. As for baeksang, I do think this was probably his best work but this year gave us Ryu Seung Ryong and Nam Goongmin which for me were another lever completely.

[itsybitsylemonsqueezy]

How do you rank the Yakuza games by story quality?

Welp, this will be opening up a can of worms, but to thank you for asking... (still leaving out both Judgment games because I'm a loser who hasn't played them) And obviously, this will get long, so much more under the cut:

First: Yakuza 0 -

You can all dunk on me for putting the popular choice first, but it's popular for a reason. The story stands on its own feet; if you never played another Yakuza game, you still got a satisfying story out of this. No dangling plot threads or criminally underutilized characters*. I think as a whole the series could have built more on these themes, I think Kiwami 1 does a little, which we'll get to in due course, but in general my biggest problem with Yakuza series writing is they adamantly refuse to view their writing as a story and only see it as a vehicle for a video game which... makes for some really questionable decisions. (* I know there are those who think more should have been done with Makoto or Nishitani living and there's room to argue here. It's half the reason to write fanfiction, but I think from a bird's eye view, we have a cohesive narrative where the stakes were fulfilled.)

Second: Yakuza 7 -

On the whole, this was a really solid entry writing wise. There's only a couple of missteps I see here and mostly they're to do with the very end. So, spoilers for the end of Yakuza 7, skip to the next point if you don't want to know. I think it would have been really cool if they'd just made Ichiban Black-Asian, but that's a personal quibble for me. I think crowbarring Kiryu in was... questionable and not really good??? For Ichiban??? But my biggest problem was killing Ryo, that was absolutely unneeded and kinda makes a mockery of Kiryu's entire arc. Like, Ichiban and Kiryu, as have oft been noted, are very different protagonists. Kiryu is haunted by the sins of his father and the death of his brother. These slowly eat Kiryu from the inside out (much like cancer) turning him bitter and away from the yakuza as a whole. We deal with these themes in every single game, more or less. That's not what Ichiban's set up to deal with. Ichiban from day 1 is Just Some Guy, started at the bottom now we're here. He's all about success and joy and loving life, especially in the face of adversity, and in particular, in the face of social convention. Killing his brother saddles Ichiban with deep guilt and grief over what could have been, should have been, or at least it should, right? Ichiban spends their last minutes together trying to save his soul and I think would have been successful if the writing hadn't fucked him at the last second. And just... why? What purpose does it serve? Tying up loose ends? I don't know how to explain this, but you actually can let a character's story be over without killing them. That's actually just a very normal thing you can do. And this is what I mean about viewing the story as a video game rather than as a story: the boss must be defeated, Ryo must die, whether or not that makes any fucking sense. And especially in the context of what Kiryu went through, this looks super fucking bad because I can almost guarantee we will never revisit any guilt or sorrow over that death in any future game. Like, we do the exact same thing, Ichiban traumatically loses a brother he had a fraught relationship with, just like Kiryu, but instead of changing him and his trajectory irrevocably it just... bounces off. Really, really bad choice, I do not care for it.

Third: Yakuza Kiwami 1 -

Haters gonna hate, but I love Kiwami 1. I think it's an excellent retelling and refinement of the first Yakuza while incorporating a lot of relevant details and character progress from Yakuza 0. If I was going to level a criticism at it, it would be that we still shy from letting Kiryu confirm his emotional tethers. For all that I think there's some very strong writing regarding what Kiryu cares about and what motivates him, at strange moments the writing will suddenly back down in a fit of cowardly homophobia and cling to just enough plausible deniability that they won't upset censors or alienate less subtextual readers. This goes hand in hand with the narrative cannot fucking figure out what to do with Majima. He's important! But not that important. He's Kiryu's closest friend and also they hate each other. Sometimes the narrative tries very hard to convince you It's Not Gay We Swear, The Rivalry Is So Straight And Malicious You Guys when two scenes before they lovingly stared into each others eyes while speaking deep personal truths for like a full three minutes, unblinking, unlaughing. And in the context of later games, it's weird to give Majima so much space in this game and in 0, to give him oodles of screen time, to make it very clear how close he and Kiryu are, and then frantically backtrack and nearly try to erase him from the narrative later, assure you he's Just Some Guy to Kiryu, after they've already painstakingly proved otherwise. It's frustrating, but certainly not a unique criticism. And I get that Majima has a big pull promotional wise, we all love the mad man, but... pick a lane. Either let him be Kiryu's one true love or stop messing with this shit, since it makes you so uncomfortable to imply otherwise.

Fourth: Yakuza 3 -

Okay, this game has really, really good writing actually! Yes, it drags in spots, but I think this game pulls off the greatest villain reveal of the whole series. It's really hard to reveal a villain's motives at the very end and have it resonate with the audience. And when you hear Mine say "Daigo is the only man I ever loved" it fucking makes sense. All his weird behavior, his barely contained rage, his psychotic choices... it all becomes crystal clear why as you see this picture of a man with the worst kind of self-esteem problems, who pinned the whole of his essence on someone else and cannot come to terms with the reality of human frailty. I make no apologies for being a huge fan of Mine and he's definitely the best written character in the game. This game still struggles with letting Kiryu put proper emotional weight on his core relationships, both with Majima and with Daigo specifically. And even with his orphanage, we introduce all those children but when do they ever matter? Yes, this is a yakuza game, Kiryu has to go out and fight people because this is a game and he's the protagonist, but then why have him retire to the beach at all if you're just going to have him come back, painlessly, every time?

Fifth: Yakuza 5 -

Oh, Yakuza 5, my ugly beloved. My swan song. My cherished disaster. Equal parts sublime and terrible. This is peak writing for Kiryu, of all the games, this one understands him the best. He's tired and sad and bitter, he's riddled with guilt and doing his best and his best is shit, and in the end he still tries to come home. God, this... this was the closest we ever came to letting Kiryu grow, letting him learn his lesson, letting him understand that dying like his father did and abandoning his family is not the fucking answer. Kiryu's arc in this game is so good, so earned, we even let him go bug fucking crazy at the idea Majima is dead, I could swoon. God, this was So Good, I will not hear any criticisms about Kiryu in this game, 10/10 Kiryu.

On the other hand, it has been well documented that I am a Mirei Park hater, RIP to her lovers, but I just hated every part of that. I think Majima was character assassinated this game. I understand that at the time, 0 and both Kiwamis didn't exist yet and so the writing is responding to this impulse that for Majima to work, for him to make sense, there has to be deep pain and tragedy in his background. But this was a catastrophic vehicle for it, it does not fit for him, and they did a 10/10 job in 0 so... that's the canon I believe. Semi-related, I don't love making Haruka an idol? Not only does she state in previous games that she's not interested in being an idol, but I just think it's a waste of her potential. I love her being a protag, I wish we could get MORE protag Haruka, god she deserves it, we deserve it. And I think there were many other ways we could have done that, I think this fell prey to a lack of imagination on the part of the writers. But, she does call her father home in the end and decide this isn't what she wanted after all so... I do love that. They snatched it back in the end.

And hey, we even got a fulfilling arc out of Saejima! Who knew! On balance, the writing of this game is really good, it just has a couple of critical failures for me. But mostly, expert characterization and finally allowing emotional weight to have its due. It's cruel of me to say, but I so wish the series had ended here. Or even hard reboot with 7, that's fine. Just... man. I wish we hadn't destroyed everything we did correctly here.

Sixth: Yakuza 4 -

Everyone loves to dunk on Yakuza 4 for being too complicated and difficult to understand. That actually doesn't bother me. I think the plot isn't that bad to follow and I think the introduction of non-yakuza members to the crime world, Akiyama and Tanimura, are really good world building. It helps to understand that there are forces that can impact what the yakuza do and what they are capable of doing. I think Daigo is 10/10 in this game, I think his mistakes are entirely justified, and I love how we have to deal with it.

What I don't love is Kiryu's amnesia from Yakuza 3, that those lessons seem to be entirely lost and have to be learned again. I don't love that there's no continuity of consequences, either from other games into this one or from this game into later ones. That's really my biggest problem with 4. That despite introducing fan favorites like Saejima and Akiyama, both of whom are executed really well and are excellent additions, the political tension and themes that I think are very coherent here don't have much impact on the later series. And maybe that was down to poor reception and people complaining that they didn't like the story. That could just be an artifact of serial publication and bending to the whims of public opinion. Again, for me that's an issue of viewing the story as a video game and product rather than maintaining loyalty to the story above all else. But that's my bias as a writer and as a professional academic when it comes to story.

Seventh: Yakuza 6 -

Full disclosure: I have almost no love for Yakuza 6. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth and a fog in my brain. I find it particularly egregious of erasing past lessons, of ignoring understandings we already had. I think it deliberately ignores emotional weight we already established and used. I loathe what we do with Haruka, that her entire autonomy is stripped from her and she is little more than a bauble used to torture Kiryu. I find the choices made for her at best perplexing and at worst deeply misogynistic and narrow. I hate that rather than use characters already long-established to deal with Kiryu's trauma regarding organized crime, family, brotherhood, and fatherhood, we introduce new people who do not matter and will never be seen again instead of resolving anything with the people we already know and care about. It feels like an incredible slap in the face to anyone who cared about those previous characters and the relationships they had with Kiryu.

Think about that letter to Daigo at the end. How earned, how deserved it is. And yet, it's so hollow because it's literally the bare minimum Kiryu needed to do for him. Think about how much more fulfilling this story could have been if we actually spent it with Daigo, resolving all the pain there. Also, Kiryu faking his death??? Abandoning his family, after we just literally in the last game proved why you shouldn't do that??? I get that this was supposed to be the end of the series and nothing is more final than death. But at the first opportunity they drag Kiryu back, like they always do. So his faked death does nothing to the plot except hurt the people around him, the people who cared about him. I in fact wrote an entire fic about how bad a job I think this game was and how much it hurt me personally. So it's very hard for me to be objective about this.

Viewing it apart from continuity, it's a relatively engaging story about a middle-aged dad trying to navigate a shady past. And if you look at this like that, if Kiryu was just some guy, some stranger, I know I wouldn't be as devastated by it as I am. For all the people who love this game, maybe that's what's working for you. It's also lush and beautiful and Kiryu's ass is in every shot. But putting it in context... I can't really think of anything I like here.

Eighth: Yakuza Kiwami 2 -

Now, now, before you get angry, I love Kiwami 2! In terms of enjoyment, I rate it very high! But... it's a pretty hot mess in terms of story. It's a real odd duck in continuity and I know that's down to it was originally a sequel to a standalone game that was never meant to have a sequel. And when they remade Yakuza 1, they couldn't very well not make Yakuza 2. But considering what we later did in the series... it just doesn't quite come together. Like, Ryuji should matter. The shit we bring up about that backstory should matter. This was a great opportunity for Kiryu to unpack some of his feelings about the yakuza and it makes sense that he's depressed as shit here, but... there's just a lot of missed opportunities. In our pursuit of putting Daigo on the throne, there was so much more work we could have done regarding the sins of the father, the narrative is kinda set up for that since we're a father-son team, but... we don't really. We again let Kiryu refuse to unpack and shy out of the emotional weight of our choices. I don't love that. And since we do some of the work, we at least start it, in Yakuza 3 with Kiryu having to acknowledge that he abandoned Daigo in a shit position (god if only, if only...), it's weird that we didn't build more of the blocks here. Again, I know this is largely down to Yakuza 2 was never supposed to exist and they didn't know how many games they would get, but since it's a remake, they had time to go back and clean things up. *sigh* Oh well, at least there's Ryuji titty and tigers to fight.

[ridiasfangirlings]

i feel like someone must have already asked something like this but oh well

high school sarumi where the boys in their class start picking on how close they are to each other to the point where to get under their skins (specially misaki's) is to call the other their "boyfriend", imagine it escalates and the girls start inviting them to hang out (yk to show "support") or if one of the teachers finds out and instead of addressing the bullying they give them a lecture on how being gay is wrong and calls their parents like "did you know your son has a bf?"

ik that's like awful and traumatic but id like a more comedic take on this than the more obvious angsty one tho the angst is welcome too

‘The teacher figures out that Niki’s kinda insane,’ yup XD Imagine after Fushimi and Yata have been friends for most of the year is when this happens, like maybe one of the former Yata Team starts making fun of Fushimi for being a loser nerd and Yata overhears. Of course Yata isn’t going to take that lying down and he starts yelling and getting angry, the other guys are mad at being called out and are like you don’t have to stick up for your boyfriend. Yata sputters all he isn’t my boyfriend he’s my best friend and the other guys laugh all yeah we know you’re ‘special’ friends right. So now the whole class sees an easy target and soon all the guys are teasing Yata and Fushimi for being boyfriends. Even the girls get in on it, asking Yata if he needs some help with his makeup and how he’s ‘one of the girls now.’ Poor Yata is easily riled up and gets angry at all this but honestly I could see Fushimi leaning into it instead, like looking the people teasing them in the eyes and then calling Yata ‘honey’ and smirking when the bullies get uncomfortable, all while Yata is bright red and very confused. 

Eventually a teacher finds out and they get called into the office, Fushimi’s probably rolling his eyes like great we’re going to get the ‘it’s okay to be gay’ talk. Instead they get the ‘that’s sinful and wrong’ talk, Yata trying to constantly interject that they aren’t gay while Fushimi just ignores the teacher totally. The teacher says he’s going to have to call their parents and actually in this case Fushimi might almost welcome that one, like good luck even getting ahold of his ‘parents,’ and honestly even if they do get Niki it’s not like Fushimi hasn’t been teased before (he’s probably more worried about Niki finding out about Yata over anything else) and the teacher can be the one to deal with that asshole.

The teacher does decide to try and call Fushimi’s parents first and is caught off guard when Niki just bursts into gyahaha laughter. The teacher is taken aback and is like this is serious sir, Niki just grins all so who is who is my monkey’s beloved, I bet it’s that shrimp. The teacher’s like I can’t give out information on other students and Niki laughs again, wondering if they’ve been holding hands or kissing, he can’t imagine his little monkey doing any of that. Yata and Fushimi are both in the room this whole time, listening on speaker, and Yata is just mortified that Fushimi’s weird dad thinks this about him while Fushimi probably has the dead fish eyes going on because he knew this would happen. He shows up the next day with glittery nails, a rainbow scarf and a dead-eyed expression, the teacher decides maybe calling Yata’s parents is the better idea.

Yata and Fushimi get dragged back into the office and this one goes way better, imagine their slow grins as Yata’s mom just eviscerates the teacher for acting this way towards her son, like do you call the parents of the children who have opposite sex significant others too. The teacher decides maybe it’s time to give it up and Yata feels somehow triumphant, like okay he’s still not gay with Saruhiko but it was fun listening to his mom tell that guy off. He’s less excited when he gets home and finds out that his mom has gone all out on being supportive, she’s even getting together a lot of the other moms to have a whole tolerance round table. Yata has no idea what he can say to this, now the whole school thinks he and Saruhiko are gay and Saruhiko is really not helping things by continuing to call him ‘honey.’ (Then years later post-ROK Yata goes to tell his mom that he’s dating Saruhiko and she’s just like yes sweetie I know, you’ve been dating since middle school remember.)

[bombingqueen]

1.03 Dead In The Water A.K.A Sins of the Father

Episode Rating 10/10

Monster of the Week : The Vengeful Spirit of Peter Sweeney

Road Map: Lake Manitoc, Wisconsin 2005

Favorite Quote: “Must be hard, with your sense of direction, never being able to find your way to a decent pickup line.” - Andrea

Honorable Mention: “Kids are strong. You’d be surprised what they can deal with." - Dean

Song That Represents the Episode

Wow. Just Wow. I didn’t appreciate this episode when I first watched it but it is so freakin good. I have just so many feelings about this episode. The way the episode approaches trauma and loss whether it your own or someone else’s. Although, I did hate how Sam responded to Dean being concerned and vulnerable with a child:

Dean “… Lucas was really scared.”

Sam: “That’s what this is about?”

Dean: “I just don’t want to leave this town until I know the kid’s okay.”

Sam: “Who are you? And what have you down with my brother?"

This is the episode that made begin the Dean Winchester Protection Squad (DWPS). Sam…Sam…Sam. What can I say about Sam? Now he knows for a fact that Dean hated that he was terrified of the supernatural and did everything he could to protect him. Pretty sure every time Dean sees a traumatized child, he probably gets flashbacks to his own experience in their childhood. Like Sam, do you understand how much your brother loves you, how much he has had to sacrifice, and how much pain he has gone through to make sure your childhood was even remotely ‘stable.’ Like college boy, you probably would not have actually made it to Standford without Dean taking the brunt of John’s bullshit. Jesus Sam, it’s been two years, not a century. Give your brother a little credit. (Don’t tell me you are jealous of a child being coddled by Dean). The only thing I can think as to why he reacted the way he did is because the last 2 years before Standford, him and Dean must have been at odds.

Dean constantly trying to keep the peace between two stubborn dumbasses. Dean having to pick up the slack when Sam wouldn’t put in the effort; it probably caused a shit ton of friction between them. Sam probably saw it as a betrayal because it seemed like they were no longer a united front. Of course, he knows what Dean has done for him but those 2 years more than likely overrode some of those memories. Not one of Sam’s finest moments and one of the few times I will say that he was just being a dick. Sometimes I think that Sam wanted the ‘normal’ life so bad he started to separate and deny Dean the father and Dean the mother while latching on to Dean the brother. Affluent college kids aren’t gonna be all nice if they learned that he was a child raised by another child. Best to present a normal yet distant relationship so that he isn’t seen as freak (Sorry Sam. You can’t fix years of trauma and neglect under the care of another child).

Despite all of that, it makes interesting tv and helps elevate the episode even more. I was invested in the storyline and it made the characters feel more authentic. The Sam and Dean dynamic really felt like it had been finalized in this episode. Like they had the friction and vulnerability in the first two episodes but it was just so much more here. This episode is dear to me. I think the difference between how I feel about it now compared to years ago is due to the loss and trauma I have experienced myself.

Loss, Trauma, and Peter Sweeney

“Losing him – you know, it’s worse than dying.” – Ms. Sweeney

Outliving the life of a loved one, particularly children, is a recurring theme throughout the episode. That type of loss is devastating and the first thing a parent wants is often to take the place of their child. You become a shell of your former self. Because how do you move on from that? How do you rationalize the events that led to the loss of your child? That type of trauma can cause you to turn mean and bitter; it can make you feel hopeless and dejected. Peter Sweeney experienced a trauma that was incomprehensible. Peter was a young victim of violence that did not get justice because his abusers put themselves in a position of power to make sure that the truth was never discovered. Being so young, Peter may not have understood the concept of injustice but I’m sure he felt the ripples of his mother’s pain. And considering the years that he was left without justice, that terror he felt at the moment of his death had festered into rage. It made sense that he went on to escalate the situation and punish his abusers by taking away their loved ones.

The Winchester brothers have such an intimate relationship with loss and trauma that it honestly transcends grief itself. The reason I bring this up is because of Sam’s first death. Sam’s first death has such a unique consequence in regards to Dean’s subsequent behavior and attitude towards Sam in later seasons. Dean lost so much more than a brother that day. He lost a son and he also lost a part of his soul. Sam and Dean are soulmates and their bond often transcends that very concept; the bond that they share cannot be fit within the confines of an earthly definition of a relationship. It goes beyond brotherhood and it goes beyond love itself. To me, this episode is a prelude to how Dean will react after Sam’s first death because for Dean losing Sam was worse than dying and he was never the same again.

Social Work Sidenote: Dean did so much right when interacting with Lucas. He made sure to interact with Lucas on his level and at his pace. He was open and did not try to force Lucas to move past his trauma. He made sure that the kid would be emotionally safe with him and talked to him with compassion and understanding. This one of my favorite Dean episodes.

Now on to my favorite tidbits of the episode.

Andrea insulting Mr. Casanova (Dean)

Dean stopping at nothing to protect Lucas

Dean’s connection with Lucas and their bond over losing a parent and using their silence as a method to gain back their control

Dean encouraging Lucas to be brave and not telling him to man up

Dean putting Sam in his place at the restaurant

Dean protecting Lucas emotionally

Sam learning about Dean’s trauma during childhood

[lambourngb]

last line challenge

tagged by @ravens-words to share the last line I wrote-

I'm a little unfocused, so I'm writing a tiny bit on a number of WIPs

good fences make good neighbors-

"Ice took a slow sip of his beer, absorbing that silently. Mav found himself watching as his throat muscles rippled and moved as he swallowed."

forgive me my trespass - in the middle of his divorce, Ice is notified Mav is MIA presumed KIA -

Now he was morning transport for the kids while Sarah went back to college, and ‘every other weekend dad’ in his sterile condo in Imperial Beach while the divorce proceedings continued. In theory he was morning transport, he sighed, watching the clock. They were moving past the five-minute lateness and into the unforgivable territory of twenty minutes overdue.

“We’re going to be late to pick up Michael and Erica, and he knows that. Also, he’s twelve, you have uniforms, what could be taking so long?”

“He’s twelve with a girlfriend, so he’s probably putting too much gel in his hair and then washing it out,” Caroline replied, flicking the page in her paperback. 

“A girlfriend? He’s twelve! How could he be dating already?” He repeated, uselessly. That was too young, wasn’t it? Ice thought back to his own childhood, but he couldn’t remember girls being on his radar until much later. Most of his memories revolved around Jimmy Lebedev, the only other kid from the neighborhood that his father approved of coming to the house. Girls were for after his application to the Naval Academy had been approved. Then later, it was flight school. After flight school, it was qualifying for Top Gun. 

Then he met Maverick. For a year, while they were both instructors, it was only Maverick for him and it had been perfect, right up until it had ended.

“It’s not his first.” 

and from the always in progress Last of US AU -IceMav fusion-

“Fair enough. I lost my virginity at fifteen, to Bad Company, with a girl who was in the same group home I was. I ended up getting kicked out and then sent to a much worse place. And wow, when I say that outloud, I sound like a real cliche,” Mav joked, before turning up the volume as Glenn Campbell sang about how ‘there's been a load of compromising, on the road to his horizon’. “I hope your experience was less traumatic.”

“It was. But there was a bit of an age difference between us. Enough that when I think about it as an adult, I probably should have been more bothered at the time. But I was young and I wanted to know what it was like.”

“Ice! You had a ‘Mrs. Robinson’ type pop your cherry?” Mav crowed, laughing in delight at the revelation. “To Glenn Campbell. Did your parents ever find out?” 

“No comment.” This time he knew he was blushing. “But no, I’m very certain my parents never knew about that, they were out of town for over a week.” His mother had died just before his twenty-eighth birthday. He always wondered if she had guessed that her son was different, or had she written off his non existent dating habits as just his dedication to his career? His father had figured it out, but then it was much harder to hide his preferences as an unmarried 35-year old. They were both gone before he had gained the courage to ask if they were disappointed in who he ended up being. 

“You must have been quite the choirboy at sixteen, that your parents left you alone for a week.” 

“Still no comment.”

Maverick laughed again, poking Tom in the shoulder like the jerk he was. “That’s what I like about you, you only look like you follow every rule but not even you, Mr. Perfect, could resist an empty house with no adult supervision. I swear, teenagers can't live with them, can’t kill them without doing time. I think there’s a proverb about how our sins as kids are revisited upon us as adults when we have kids of our own.” 

[my-makeshift-masquerade]

whats ur prob with clara?

I really don’t have the energy to answer this in depth, but if I must… It’s gonna be a long one. I think the fandom likes to think Mrs.Afton was a perfect mother to her children because the Afton children got a real shitty hand in life and they deserved good parents. That is totally valid. However, in terms of evidence, Mrs.Afton is characterized mostly by her absence from the story.

Either she died, or she is just not involved in the protection of her family at all. Nobody mentions her even being dead, which would be really traumatizing to her children. Micheal never says something like: “Mother may be gone, but I know you’re still here, father…” Elizabeth never says anything either, and while begging for permission, you’d think “Mommy would let me!” would’ve been a retort she’d make. This would’ve been an extremely easy way to fix this.

The few implications we get of what she is like from The Immortal and the Restless don’t paint a very good picture. It was quite toxic, with every episode having Clara focusing on getting Vlad to admit his responsibilities over their child…while the baby is clearly having a lot of difficulties and she is only escalating tensions. Now, before you accuse me of blaming the battered wife because we know William went on to murder children, hear me out.

Disclaimer: I am aware this is a cartoon, but when it’s the only real depiction we have that could be close to how Mrs. Afton would behave, we can’t exactly tell what details are irrelevant.

It is so comically obvious that the child is Vlad’s, just like how Micheal bears such a resemblance to his father he got mistaken for William in sister location.

Clara’s focus on getting Vlad “involved in his child’s life” isn’t for only her child’s sake. She says it is, but her real anger comes out when she mentions paying child support.

Clara set both her and Vlad’s houses on fire in response to not getting what she wanted. She even criticizes his house’s decor after she burned it down.

Clara also keeps only claiming valuable items in the hypothetical divorce settlement. Then her entire character shifts when she heard Vlad bought one kid’s meal.

If that is what Mrs.Afton’s behavior towards William and Micheal is identified as being like in this clear analogy of the characters, she wasn’t exactly a saint. If anything, William desperately not wanting to be involved and his wife being desperate to get him to pay her child support makes me think Micheal was a result of a teen pregnancy. Neither of his parents were really mature enough to focus on the child’s needs over their own relational conflict.

What really stuck out to me was Mrs. Afton’s depiction in Clara is painted as the one we are supposed to be rooting for, because we already know what William’s sins are. Yet, her behavior is more psychopathic and inconsiderate of the child present than Vlad’s blatant neglect of responsibility. She commits arson not once, but twice! That’s not just getting emotional and lashing out. That’s a crime that endangers everyone and leaves the child homeless!

Considering these factors, she is portrayed as self absorbed, hiding behind “won’t somebody please think of the children” to try and get resources or reconcile some dispute with her husband. Apply that rhetoric to the rest of her kids. It explains why they had three of them, and why she didn’t come around to protect them when they literally got killed off by their father. It was never truly about the children in her mind. The kids were just pawns in her attempt to make William stick around, but she eventually must’ve died or walked out on the family in order to not be mentioned at all.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk!

[findingjoythroughsuffering]

Why do good people suffer?

Well this might not make sense to most, but I believe I have the answer. See in the beginning of time God knew that in order to give people and even angels free will, evil and good must coexist. Everyone including angels must have the option to choose to love God or hate him, choose good or choose evil.

Lucifer chose evil. He wanted to be Him instead of be with Him.

Isaiah 14: 12-15

12 How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! how art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations!

13 For thou hast said in thine heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God: I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation, in the sides of the north:

14 I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High.

15 Yet thou shalt be brought down to hell, to the sides of the pit.

This choice began the many choices we have today to choose evil. Every time we sin we choose evil. When Eve ate the apple she disobeyed God and then Adam followed in her footsteps.

Genesis 3 : 1-6

1 Now the serpent was more subtle than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?

2 And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:

3 But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.

4 And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:

5 For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.

6 And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.

Now am I saying that bad things happen to good people strictly because of their sin? No. However, I do believe it is because of the inherent evil in this world, the fall of man that caused all of the calamities that exist today. So blame Eve if you want to, but don’t blame God. This was not what he wanted for any of us. He wanted the beautiful garden of Eden. Paradise.

God loves us so much that he sent His only son to make things right and prove how much he loves us. Think about it would you endure torture or have your child do so for the rest of humanity to be saved from death? I don’t think so.

For there has to be consequence for choosing evil. The consequence is eternal death. God doesn’t see our evil choices if we simply believe in Jesus death and resurrection on the cross and accept his gift of eternal life in your heart. That is all it takes. You don’t have to believe Jesus loves you, but once you are given that gift, you will feel it and you will experience the joy that only the Holy Spirit can give you.

In my own life, I have suffered greatly. I have gone through 11 years of a war on my mind in a mental illness brought on by opening the door to demons by doing a past life regression. I asked God to reveal to me who I was in a past life. After that, I immediately was confused between the voice of God and the voices of demons. I became so emotional that I was diagnosed with bipolar I with psychotic features. Jesus has now set me free, but it has been severely traumatic throughout my journey. I have a lot of healing yet to do. Watch more about my mental illness journey on YouTube @findingjoythroughsuffering

Dear Lord,

Please help those who are reading this today. Help those who are suffering come to feel your love through it, be able to endure it as long as it is going on, and have patience with it. Lord, we know your plans are good for us even if we can’t see it and it makes no sense to us. Let us rely on you and help others come to know you. Amen.

[artemisandhersilverbow]

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

I've not been in the business of paternity testing TTPD because it's led to a much richer experience without it. I've been particularly moved/saddened by religious trauma as theme throughout. To me, if there's a relationship at the center of TTPD it's her most enduring, and traumatic, one with fame. Also, I just don't think any of these songs are inspired by a single "muse." Or really any of her adult work. Maybe some songs of hers are one thing on the surface and many other things underneath... maybe all of them can be true. Maybe none of them are. Her mind is just that good.

I say this because I was really struck by a line in "The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived": But you are what you did. Which finally reminded me of the song "Innocent"... which was (allegedly?) written about K****.

Opposite sentiments, sure. But it made me wonder what that experience of rerecording it for Speak Now must have been like. That song certainly doesn't ring true for her anymore, but she rerecorded it faithfully. And then... I replayed TSMWEL and that (truly top tier) bridge hit a little different:

Were you sent by someone who wanted me dead? Did you sleep with a gun underneath our bed Were you were writing a book? Were you a sleeper cell spy? In 50 years will this all be declassified? You'll confess what you did And I'll say good riddance ‘Cause it wasn't sexy once it wasn’t forbidden I would've died for your sins Instead, I just died inside And you deserve prison, but you won’t get time You'll slide into inboxes and slip through the bars You crashed my party and your rental car You said normal girls were boring But you were gone by the morning You kicked out the stage lights but you're still performing And in plain sight, you hid But you are what you did And I'll forget you but I'll never forgive The smallest man who ever lived

She's used the "crash my party" idea in "This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things," and could refer to the VMAs moment or the Bleachella era for ex. And the first thing that really made the alarms go off was the crash of the rental car mention. K**** talks about his near fatal car crash (resulting in having his jaw wired shut/facial damage) of his rental Lexus in his music and documentary.

As for the fateful recording leak, even Tree Paine clapped back about it once the full clip came out saying what they did was illegal. But that's certainly not the only problematic thing that's come out about him in recent years.

Slip through the bars could be working double/triple time - slipping through bars of prison, his own lyrics/performing, her own songs about him.

I remember that interview of young Taylor in Miss Americana being asked if she was a K**** fan after that famous interruption and she replies something like, "Yeah, I mean it's K****." That artist who would one day become Y**zus. But I imagine that devastating line about dying for your sins carries far deeper weight than just this simple reading. And I fully think this song is inspired by more than one bad man/system and the same lines apply to any matter of sin.

The "kicked out the stage lights, but you're still performing" feels pretty self explanatory with what he's up to these days (not performing massive world tours). But I do think the "In plain sight, you hid" is pretty powerful because obviously the phone call moment was shared by him/his wife and presented as the full truth (it wasn't). And they rode that controversy for all they could get out of it.

The sexy/forbidden line is hard for me to even express in a way that feels ok to talk about in a wildly speculative way (which is what I'm doing). But there's the surface level/romantic lead of "oh we couldn't be together and once we could be you weren't interested anymore." But if we read it, knowing how K**** (grossly) capitalized on this moment, as a call out about the consent of that entire situation I read it as far more bone chilling.

Anyway, in the days after TTPD release and Taylor herself sharing articles that focus on how we should not be classifying each song as being about [insert name here] lover and an album that seems to constantly tell us "you don't know me, but if you looked closer you might find something bigger," it would be fairly genius to cloak a song about an abusive industry as a truly spectacular break up song. And for us, it can be that if we want.

One last thought... while this was an interesting puzzle to connect, and get off my chest, it's true that it really doesn't matter. I don't think there's a way to know the documentary-level truth about any of this music (unless you're her). She knows her own mythology looms too tall and I wonder what else I'll learn (more universally) while practicing forgetting as I replay and replay and replay.

[i-hope-youre-hopeful]

My Tummy Hurts

I let something bad happen. I cried and I made it worse. I did the same thing I’ve done time and time again and swore I’d do better next time and didn’t. I feel so angry at myself. I feel physically and emotionally hurt, like I’ve been violated, but I did the violating. I did it to myself and I hurt myself and I hurt you too. I hurt. I hurt. Body and mind I Hurt. Im having trouble reconciling the incongruent parts of me.

We had a good conversation tonight and I feel closer and better connected and happier. But im still scared that it’s not right and I grieve the life I thought I’d have. I feel scared and resentful.

Rachel could have died tonight. Things could have gone much differently. Much worse. Maybe it’s time to change. But I’m scared of change. But that’s selfish. I must think of the needs of my friends. Im scared of losing my friends. John says Kyle and Rachel need to break up. I don’t think that’ll fix it, but maybe he’s right. I’m scared I didn’t do enough. Didn’t take it all seriously enough. Didn’t say the right things. Please hold my friends in your hands. For this moment I release my loved ones into your care.

I did a dolphin roll wrong and jacked up my neck. I didn’t do it to show off, I just wanted to know if I still could. But I got nervous and I botched it. I could have really injured myself tonight. I might have. I really hope it’s just a little muscle strain. Im sorry I did that. Im sorry I missed my chiropractor appointment. I’m just sorry.

I keep being confronted with the word abuse. I don’t know if I can or should classify it as that. I don’t know if I can rationalize it. Still, even on good days I long to be free. Yet I long even more for my family to be healthy. I long to be in connection and not in conflict. Even if I’ve been abused what the hell am I supposed to do about it.

I don’t like how my friends make me feel when they say they want the best for me. I feel like they think I’m stupid. I feel like they think everything would be fine if I would just open my eyes and stop caring. My mom thinks that too. I’m sure my dad thinks that. It feels like everyone thinks I’m stupid. It feels like everyone wants their own inherently conflicting versions of what’s “best for me.” They want what’s best for me until it cuts into their time. So it goes.

I don’t feel like anyone really understands how I feel fully. They’ve all either let go of their sin or of their morality. They’re all reconciled within themselves. I just can’t. I can’t give up what I feel but I can’t give up believing that what I feel is wrong. I can’t give up being hurt but I can’t give up loving my family. I can’t give up my mom but I can’t give up my dad. I just feel like everyone I know views things from their own myopic lenses of a much more black and white world than I live in. So I feel conflicted in myself and alone in my conflict. I feel that if I am alone, it is because of myself. So I feel misunderstood. So it goes.

I tried birth control for one day and it nearly killed me. I almost threw up. I thought I was going to throw up. I feel traumatized by this relatively normal human experience. Now I have a fucking yeast infection. I feel like I should’ve just let myself throw up since I went through all the turmoil leading up to it, and then maybe I wouldn’t be as scared of it anymore. I probably would be though. I think I would be. But we’ll never know. I feel like I fucked up birth control and I did it wrong and I took off the patch too soon and I failed. I’m scared birth control will make me sick and fear will make me sick and pregnancy will make me sick and a husband and children will make me sick and I just can’t handle it. I really wanted to do the right thing. Instead I did the wrong thing even worse than before. I’m scared to try a different medication. I don’t want to. But I have to. But I can’t. But I should. There is fear and tearing myself up inside no matter which way I go.

A new year begins with all the same promise and hope of the previous year. Not a good sign. What will I ever do?

I am nocturnal again. I knew it would happen. God I had hoped I could do better, but I knew I wouldn’t. I bend to her will. It is much easier to be isolated when I’m only awake when others are sleeping. That’s not her plan really, but it is the effect. Asleep all day and still not rested. So it is every winter. So it is every chance she gets. So it goes.

Today it is my fault. And hunters. And my friends’. And my mom’s. And Adam’s and Eve’s and the Serpent’s. And so on.

It really is my fault lately though I suppose. At least in part. Everything is my fault if I look close enough I feel.

I don’t feel like I can survive this coming semester. I fear I will fail if I don’t cut some things out. But I don’t know what I can possibly cut out. I’m sorry. Please don’t let me fail. What if I hate this job? What if I do badly? What if she changed her mind? If I am meant to do these things I will do them. Please don’t let me suffer too greatly. I can and will successfully do whatever is needed.

God what the hell am I supposed to do? I want dramatic escape. But I think it’s mainly because gradual change feels so insufficient and simultaneously so insurmountable. I hope for the best and trust in your promise. I just fear, desperately, increasingly, that I should be making different choices. Lead me on Father. Thank you for everything.

[knowlessman]

just start watching a new anime season at 1 am knowless, that's a normal person thing to do. (bnha s5e1-e6)

(recap, prominence burn) yeah that's gonna do the ole ozone a frighten. I think exxon-mobil is jealous -- oh yeah I forgot mineta was in this show. that was nice while it lasted.

"emergency drill, hypothetical villains have infiltrated ua grounds" hypothetical villains you say? they let gentle thief out of jail that early?

"About 80% of the human population -" have taken and failed the hero course and become shitty villains about it, yes, we know

ooh, new opening… I think? or maybe it's just been that long. -- shinso! it's shinso the homestuck! yo, it's all of class B! there's the dark souls helmet person, and the geico caveman, and the goomba girl (who apparently does have mushroom powers, judging from the outfit)! -- does shinso have attack ribbons like Eraser Head now? huh

(character intros) didn't realize heroes needed a special adjective in addition to their hero name

part of yaoyorozu's costume includes a book? an encyclopedia of some kind, I guess. in case she has to do physics-y problem-solving stuff on the job and create complex rigs. neat.

aoyama definitely doesn't have the kneepad lasers and stuff he did in the movie. maybe he gets 'em this season? maybe I or whatever site I got the watch order from was completely wrong about when to watch it? who knows

oh shit it's 2-D, y'all are fucked

just realized, I don't think we know what Hado's quirk is. (eh, more likely I just forgot)

pffft bakugo still couldn't figure out a name 'XD "if you won't let me call myself God Explosion Murder I will turn to face god and walk backwards into hell" -- welp, amajiki's dead. gorillaz needs a new lead -- wait did bakugo actually just kill him

(fucking marvel after credits scene) "that's the same pose all might did, isn't it" "no, I used my left arm, it's different" frowny man in a nutshell I guess -- also dancing boy's here, how about that

"episode 2: vestiges" after code vein that word is never not gonna make me think of spiky red crystals that put you in long-winded it's-a-small-world-ass memory lane dealies. so annoying they made you walk through them when they could just be cutscenes. at least when fallout 4 did the same exact thing, you could activate specific things in the scenes for additional lore.

"I heard you killed Snatch" I don't remember him either, but with a hero name like that, I could miss him more

"that's a bad scar." …ohhhhhhh shiiiiit 'XDDD damn, last time I remember this "oh-shit-somebody-just-waved-the-flag-at-the-bull" feeling was reading that one bit in, uhhhhhhhh I think it was the second Inheritance Trilogy book. …I don't interact with stories that do that very often okay, most stories that do that are probably too traumatic for my tastes

oh yeah, the thing with the Avatar spirits. the Allvatar spirits. -- (all for one showing off) "this one longing to be thinner, this one wants to get the girl and I help them! yes I do" -- "vestiges of the previous owners" wait so this is literally like the vestiges from code vein then

…I thought shinso was in class B? eh, idfk

…lolwtf it's capture the flag but the flags are the players, this is wild

oh so asui can turn invisible now. she just… can do that. fancy.

k so shiozaki is poison ivy. I remember her vs kaminari being funny, but I forget why. could be she used feminine wiles, he doesn't make that hard to do -- is shiozaki's hero costume white robes because something something crown of thorns something something jesus, or am I reading too much into it

…bahahahahaha 'XD THAT's how shinso's quirk works! I forgot! they just gave him a voice changer!

"you used me as a decoy… what a sinful act" okay I was right about the jesus thing then. "now I must whip you" o-kay, potential weewoo tier then

(flashback to like the first ua invasion) …huh. froppy mentioned the toxic mucus thing way back then. also they are 100% gonna make her use that stomach thing someday and everybody is going to regret it

come to think of it, eraser head mentoring shinso does make a lot of sense. both of them have quirks whose only application involves taking agency away from other people, so there would've been an assumption that they must either be a hero or a villain. both chose hero, but still can't escape the correlation and the fear that other people would have of them.

ditto's costume (a fancy suit, it looks like) is pretty stupid for a guy who might have to accommodate for who knows what kind of new quirk on the fly. what if he needs to be able to grow wings or other limbs? what if he has to create materials out from his skin? he needs a teenage-sized version of Jack-Jack's onesie. "I didn't know the baby's powers, so I covered the basics."

okay so tokoyami and this kuroiro guy is a ship that just builds itself, huh -- (dark shadow's glitching out) "what is it? what's going on?" disagreeing with something he ate -- aw, kuroiro doesn't have a hero name yet… come to that, I forget what tokoyami's is

(flashback) "if you're not even letting me do anything, why did you pick me?" "we're birds of a feather." okay no yeah this hawks guy sucks

(tokoyami flying) deku: "it's as simple as columbus's egg idea!" columbus had an idea? wonder who he stole that from. … "an apocryphal story in which columbus, on being told that finding a new trade route was inevitable and no great accomplishment, challenged his critics to make an egg stand on its tip. columbus did it himself by tapping the egg on the table to flatten the tip." so, allegedly, columbus cheated in order to justify talking his stupid ass up. also the story's a ripoff of an earlier story about an architect, so that answers my follow-up question.

…and do these mushrooms, like, do anything? granted, they foil hagukure's invisibility and that's pretty neat, and I guess they give cover for kuroiro, but unless they also do cool weird shit they seem more like a nuisance to clean up after than anything else.

and how did they even find out kuroiro can control dark shadow without meeting tokoyami?

aoyama's hero name sucks

the mushrooms really don't do anything then. they aren't poisonous, they don't, idk, mind-control people or sap energy, they can't even grow really big…

kunikida wishes he had yaoyorozu's brains

"hey DM, I can cast Create Mushrooms targeting the space inside his lungs, right?" ah k so they do do anything at all

wait damn that was six episodes? uh, yeah, guess I'd better give it a rest

[ariweather]

Chapter 4: Tying the knot (part 4/4)

John returned to the flat with 2 sandwich boxes in hand, one normal and one sinful. Sinful sandwich. sinful sammy. Sherlock's sinful sammy. That sounds horrible. 

"Sherlock, I'm baaaack... I have your food......" 

"Ah, thanks, John. We can eat at the table."

Sherlock arose from his position on the couch and strode over to the kitchen table. It was cluttered with vials, test tubes, and other detective equipment. He slid everything off of the table with his arm. Now the floor was littered with glass shards and chemicals. Possibly human remains, too. Sherlock looked at John (who was considering moving out). "It's alright, the case was solved ages ago. I'll discard those later. Just mind the glass shards." 

The two men sat at the table, ready to consume their lunch. John though to himself, "mmmm sandwich finally." Sherlock's sandwich looked like one of those cursed Papa's Burgeria creations. John eyed the juicy Reuben sandwich on his plate. Oh god, it looked so tasty. He was ready to dig in when Sherlock began to open his 16 packets of mayo. Using a fork, he stabbed open the first packet. He dispersed it onto the underside of his rye bread. Fine. Then, he moved onto the next packets, except he took 8 into his hand at once. And then he stabbed them all with the fork, and that was a bad idea because all of the mayonnaise exploded onto John. 

John, a Broken, Creamy man, stopped moving in absolute horror when he realized. He thought to himself: “Oh god. I'm covered in mayo. of COURSE I'm covered in mayo. Why wouldn't I be covered in mayo?”

A pause. The air was tense and stagnant and creamy all at the same time. 

John looked at Sherlock in disbelief. Sherlock looked at John in full belief. John could feel the mayo soaking into his dry skin. 

“Let me go get the vacuum cleaner” said Sherlock nonchalantly. 

John just stood there trying to process what just happened. The way all of the mayonnaise hit him instead of spilling onto the floor was almost miraculous (in a demonic way). He remembered what his therapist had taught him about how to deal with strange and stressful situations. Deep breath in, and out. In, and out. In, and JESUS CHRIST THE SCENT OF MAYO WAS SO STRONG. Would john barf? Likely. But just then, luckily or unluckily, sherlock returned with vacuum cleaner in hand. 

“John, hold still for a moment. I’m going to vacuum the mayonnaise off of your person.” 

What happened next would traumatize John forever. 

Sherlock turned on the vacuum cleaner, and it ended up being insanely powerful. So powerful that it sucked up john’s entire Reuben sandwich from feet away. John watched in undignified horror as his only solace got sucked away by sherlock’s machine. 

“Sorry about the poor aim” sherlock said “Must be the concussion.”

Sherlock finally managed to properly vacuum john clean of all mayonnaise. John was clean and free of mayo, but at the cost of a juicy Reuben sandwich and his sanity. 

John looked to sherlock. “You know, this all could have been avoided if you had just not worn untied shoes around like a madman. Aren’t detectives supposed to be logical and smart?”

Sherlock replied “Yes, well… too late now I suppose. Sorry about the pound of mayo. How about you just tie my shoelaces and I can be on my way to solving another murder case?”

John answered back, “Fine. Sherlock, you’re weird. And you make me feel depressed. But I think I’d still like to get along with you. Lemme see your Louboutins.” John knelt down onto one knee. This was the moment. Finally, he and sherlock would be unified as soulmates! But, john could not have cared less about that. He was mostly just concerned about fixing that idiot’s stupid tangled shoelaces. Finally, sherlock’s vintage Louboutins were tied in a nice, tight bow. If john watson could do one thing right, it was tying good knots. (he had learnt a bunch of different knots during his time in boy scouts back when he was a kid). 

Anyway, John still kinda smelled like mayonnaise. The vacuum cleaner got the surface level stuff off, but it didn’t remove the scent that embedded itself deep into john’s clothing. Sherlock noticed this as he said, “Thanks for *COUGH* tying my shoelaces. Uh, you still smell like mayonnaise.”

“NOW  WHOSE FAULT IS THAT????????” john screeched.

“Yours. You were the one blocking the natural trajectory of the mayonnaise, John. It’s common sense, really.” sherlock replied.

“Sherlock, just…. just go solve your murder case. And PLEASE don’t get any mayo on the crime scene, alright?”

“fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine” 

----

link to previous chapter (chapter 3)