#but once she becomes emotionally invested in a person who’s suffering at the hands of this system is in the constant reminder OF her title

[fellhellion]

I have like. Thoughts brewing on Utena in episode 12 specifically hinging the “taking back” of her old self upon the repossession of Anthy when prior to their relationship she still believed she could fulfil the role of a prince

[stxleslyds]

What do you think about the theories that Jason was sexually abused as a child? Or even possibly while he was comatose after his resurrection?

Implications of this theory include his conversation with Mia (Speedy) and Bruce's message (Battle for the Cowl). In addition, when he was Robin he expressed what was then considered uncharacteristic rage towards the perpetrators of sex crimes.

Garzonas - unrepentant rapist who got no consequences

When a woman killed her sister's rapist and murderer (because Batman's evidence was not admissible in court), Batman said that she went too far with murder. Jason's disagreed with "Good riddance". Good for you, Jason.

His recklessness when dealing with a child sex trafficking ring.

I highly doubt that DC would ever confirm this theory. I would rather they leave it ambiguous because I don't trust them to not botch Jason... much less respectfully address the subject matter.

I have read so many thoughts on Jason that they're starting to blend together. So I apologize if you've already answered this before.

Hello friend! Aside from the fact that I took way too much time to answer your ask, this was also a hard question to come up with an answer to, I wanted to remain respectful of the subjects at hand even though I don’t second this headcanon. But before we keep going, let me put some trigger warnings in this post.

trigger warning: mentions of sexual abuse, child abuse, rape.

First, I would like to bring up these two concepts because I oftentimes mix them up when talking about these “ideas”.

Theory: a supposition or a system of ideas intended to explain something; an idea used to account for a situation or justify a course of action.

Headcanon: Headcanon generally refers to ideas held by fans of series that are not explicitly supported by sanctioned text or other media. Fans maintain the ideas in their heads, outside of the accepted canon.

I think the idea of Jason having been sexually abused at any point in his lifetime is a mix between a theory and a headcanon. Why I am saying this? Because as you have put in the ask, there has been instances where fandom has found pieces of information that they have considered the base of this idea.

So, if we say that there is a piece of text that might support that idea and they build from that to justify a course of action we would be looking at a theory. In this case Jason having been abused would the reason as to why he acts in that strong and violent way towards cases of sexual abuse/harassment.

In the other hand those pieces of text might not support that idea so fandom headcanons that idea in order to build another layer to a character, in this case Jason having been abused would also justify his actions towards certain criminals.

The “text” (panels, issues, mentions) are most of the time ambiguous, which makes readers have different perspectives in what is being written and what then is made into a theory or headcanon.

Personally, I don’t like this theory or headcanon for various reasons (which I will explain later in the post), and I have read and understood those moments mentioned as Jason just having survived Crime Alley as something general, I don’t think he suffered that kind of abuse but I think he was made aware of that type of behaviour every day that he spent alone in the streets and that why we saw Jason in Batman #408 saying that he had “graduated a long time ago from the streets of crime alley”.

Having said that, I do understand that some of the moments mentioned can be seen as ambiguous and that’s what leads people to theorize/headcanon that idea, because of that I would like to show the panels mentioned in your ask so everyone can read them and make up their own conclusions and then I will talk about the reasons why I don’t like this particular theory/headcanon.

As Robin:

Batman (1940) #422

In these panels we can see Jason as Robin jumping in to defend a woman that was being attacked by a man. There I only see Jason acting like a vigilante would, maybe he was hitting too hard or whatever but Batman has hit people as much as Jason was doing it this time around, plus I, personally, don’t see any kind of problem with Jason beating a man that was harassing and threatening a woman with death.

Right beside we have Jason being on the side of the woman that killed her sister’s attacker. He didn’t see any problem with that woman seeking justice for her sister on her own when the police, Batman and himself couldn’t get the job done.

Here I see Jason having a big problem with authorities and justice system, which is not something new, in Batman #408, Jason says very clearly that he doesn’t trust the system in Gotham (the police, social workers and such), and he was also shown in that comic talking very fondly about his mother and about how much he cared for her when she was at her worst. Let’s remember that Jason loved his mother, he took care of her and resented his father for being abusive towards her and even introducing her to drugs.

Instead understanding these panels as Jason having been abused himself, I see it more as Jason having a humongous understanding of how much women and others suffer in Gotham due to the justice system’s lack of action. I also see Jason as the kind of boy that respected all women and could not sit and do nothing when people were hitting and abusing women just like his father did to his mother.

Batman (1940) #424

This issue starts by saying that Jason jumps into action as soon as he hears someone scream but that he wasn’t going to be prepared to see what was happening. This is the issue where all of us meet Felipe Garzonas, the abuser and rapist of many women. At first Jason doesn’t know what Felipe was doing but after he and Batman “defeat” Felipe, he goes to the room where he finds Gloria in a bed badly hurt and scared. Jason is shocked when he first finds her and after hearing her story in the police station, he becomes more and more happy about the fact that by having caught Felipe, he and Batman would be able to offer some peace and justice to Gloria after he goes to jail, but that doesn’t happen.

They had all the evidence to put Felipe in jail and the police could easily see that Gloria was the victim but because Felipe had someone to back his made-up story up, he was able to not be arrested and jailed.

Jason once again is baffled at the lack of action by the police or simply justice not being able to be made in favour of the true victim. Batman even says that he has noticed that Jason “had become to emotionally invested with the case” which could favour either idea (Jason having suffered sexual abuse or not), in my case I see this once again as Jason not being able to remain calm after doing everything to keep that woman safe and the justice system not being able to do it themselves in a more permanent way (jail time, or whatever).

But that’s not all because Jason being too emotional with that case was brought up as a way to show that Jason couldn’t see that Felipe had been under the influence of drugs, which is something that Jason can see in people very well (do to experience with his mother and his training with Batman). So, Felipe is now a rapist, an abuser, he does drugs and he also has a market for it.

Because Felipe was allowed to go back to his “normal” life he had Gloria be killed, and he kept abusing drugs and women, when Jason finds Gloria’s dead body and that Batman still seems to abide the justice system he snaps. He goes alone to see Felipe and that’s were this iconic panel comes from. The moments before Jason made his first kill and felt no remorse about it. I know this is kinda soft topic because Jason was a teenager, but good for him, kill that bitch. Gotham doesn’t need more people like him.

Batman (1940) #226

This is the issue where Jason attacks the men that were involved with some very nasty stuff involving children. Batman narrates and says that him and Jason had been working on this case for three weeks. Jason jumps into action suddenly and “recklessly” even though Batman considered their investigation wasn’t over, he also says that he thinks that Jason had been “acting oddly” and that he was very “moody, resentful and reckless” and that that attitude could “get him killed”.

This could be used as to add more proof of the abuse idea but I actually see it as build up to Jason’s death, that happened two issues later. Let’s remember that Jason found out of his birth mother and was desperate to find and save her from Joker, because he was a good son but also because he didn’t feel like Bruce loved, cared or appreciated him anymore. Ever since Jason made it clear that he didn’t see the world and justice in the same way that Batman did back in issue #422, Jason and Bruce’s relationship suffered, they just couldn’t see eye to eye on some subjects and Bruce’s neglect or lack of care for what Jason believed in drove Jason to act the way he did in the case involving his mother and the Joker.

Jason obviously has major issues with kids being abused and put in dangerous situations, he as the Red Hood (Winick’s Red Hood) is the same, he really wants kids to be taken far away from drugs so they cannot be manipulated, used and abused by Gotham’s Drug Lords. Here I can see some of the same thing, Jason being protective of those kids and getting fed up with how much time he and Batman had to wait to do anything about the subject, along side it I bet Jason wasn’t seeing the police or the justice system doing anything about the whole thing so that could have probably fuelled his desperate attack of those horrible people.

As Batman/Red Hood:

Batman: Battle for the Cowl #3

Battle for the Cowl… yeah I am going to be brutally honest about this, if anyone thinks that this is someway or somehow proof that Jason had been abused in the past then I think we have very different ways of thinking how survivors must be treated or written in comics and other media.

This to me is pure bad writing, this is some of the worst things I have seen being written in comics. Whether or not this implies Jason being abused or not, Bruce’s message is absolutely disgusting and not at all helpful, it is even worse when you realise that Dick, a canon sexual assault survivor, is the one playing the message to Jason even though Jason explicitly said that he didn’t want to hear it again. That Book, issue, page and panel are extremely badly written and is one of the most terrible Jason and Dick characterizations ever.

So, I don’t really care if this panel is supposed to offer support to that theory or headcanon, I really dislike that speech and if it is actually referencing Jason as being a survivor of child abuse, then Tony S. Daniel needs to make an apology from today to the day he dies.

“Of all my failures, you have been my biggest” “You were broken and I thought I could put the pieces back together. I thought I could do for you what could never be done for me. Make you whole” “What happened to you as a child… the terror, the pain, the horrors” “You needed repair and instead I gave you an outlet to act out on”

Absolute garbage writing. Me, as Bruce is number one hater, know that that speech is even out of character for Bruce. Listen, if Jason had been a victim of sexual assault or just being a kid living alone in Crime Alley, no one should leave a message like that, telling a victim that they were broken and needed fixing, what the hell? No, thank you, this issue proves nothing except that Battle for the Cowl was a mistake as a whole.

Green Arrow (2001) #72

Judd Winick is clever I will always say that, and while I do see why people think that Jason is making the “child abuse idea” canon I still think that the way that he talks is still fairly ambiguous if not just him playing mind games with Mia.

I know it sounds wrong, but hear me out, Winick, in this arc makes Batman say that Jason distracted him and Oliver just to take Mia as a “hostage” because that was Jason’s way to mess with him. This arc happens right after UtRH and Jason is a bit more unhinged than ever. But he doesn’t harm Mia, he just talks to her, he tries to make her see why he acts the way he does and to do that he talks about how much he sees of himself in her. Do I believe that Jason suffered the same things Mia did? No. Do I think that their past is similar? Yes.

But Jason doesn’t only use the fact that they have similar pasts to make Mia rebel against her “no killing ways” and Oliver like he did with Bruce, but he also brings up the fact that their past is incredibly different to the lives of Bruce and Oliver, and that those differences are of importance.

Maybe it’s just me, but I didn’t see Jason bringing Mia’s past for anything other than manipulating her and kinda make her see Oliver in a negative light the way that he does Batman and Bruce. Jason was at a point in his life where all he wanted to do was deliver the same pain that he had gone through but he didn’t do it by physically harming anyone (Mia was left unscratched), he was just out there trying to play mind games so he could break more havoc in Batman’s name.

Mia’s past is just way too different to whatever we have seen in canon from Jason’s past. Maybe I am wrong, after all, I only read about Mia in that arc.

-

With all that having been said I think it’s pretty obvious that I just don’t think that Jason’ having been sexually abused as a child actually happened, and I also don’t like to think about his past in that way. His canon suffering could have made him act that violently against criminals involved with sexual attacks and drug-related crimes, but I also think that’s just how Jason was, he really disliked the justice system in Gotham and saw how much it failed to protect victims, so now that he had the training to help those who couldn’t do it for themselves, he tried his best to bring criminals to justice.

And when that didn’t work, he grew more and more frustrated with Batman’s methods which led him to be more unforgiving and violent.

I also don’t like the theory/headcanon as a whole because I think its one of those things that Fandom comes up with just for that extra angst factor in their favourite character’s story so they can make him suffer more and because of that no other Robin or character as a whole can ever understand his pain or whatever. In this fandom there is a lot of “competitive trauma” going on and I honestly dislike it a lot.

About Jason having been assaulted while he was in a coma, I don't really know, he was at a hospital for what I believe were six moths, maybe that idea comes from real life happenings but I have never thought of that happening in Jason's life and I would rather not give it much more thought.

Also, I believe that DC just like fandom would have never been able to handle the subject of Jason having been a sexual assault survivor with the respect and care that it actually needs. We have seen DC treat sexual harassment and abuse as nothing but a side plot or bringing it up in an extremely disturbing way. In Fandom some (very few) people end up glamorising or romanticising these subjects so, I don’t believe the comic world was or is ready to treat a backstory like this with the respect it needs.

Maybe I haven’t even treated the subject with the respect and care that it needs and if that’s the case then I am truly sorry.

I had never answered a question regarding this subject before and I really appreciate all the questions you send my way; they do make my brain happy. I am really sorry it took me this long to write an answer to you but I hope the post is good enough for all the time I made you wait!

I hope you have an amazing week!

[dramaticironyoflife]

The Art of Ticking

RoxieLexy

Summary:

“If he has a problem with the noise, he can stuff his ears with tissues!” Logan hears these words and feels his muscles begin to tense, he suffers from high anxiety and his body translates that into physical responses. Noises happen to be his strongest trigger but not everyone is understanding of this, or even cares. Thankfully, he has a small cluster of people he considers family who will do almost anything to protect him.

Grocery Store AU!! WARNINGS FOR TICS, HIGH ANXIETY, INDIRECT BULLYING, VIRGIL WISHING TO MURDER SOMEONE, AND SOFT SIDES BEING SOFT.

Notes:

This is a vent fic where Logan has my tics that come with my high anxiety, but he also has friends who take care of him. This is a grocery store au because that is where I work. The customer service manager is based off mine and Logan is based off me. Sadly, I do not have soft cuddly friends like Logan does in this fic. WARNINGS FOR TICS, HIGH ANXIETY, INDIRECT BULLYING, VIRGIL WISHING TO MURDER SOMEONE, AND SOFT SIDES BEING SOFT.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Logan was trying very hard not to flinch. Any sign of weakness could be taken as a victory by his opponent. The person before him wasn’t even looking at him, too busy talking to Roman. Roman was glancing uncomfortably between Logan and the loudmouth. He looked increasingly more unsure as to what he was to do. The woman who was speaking was doing so with the confidence of one who is completely unaware that their gossip is being overheard by the person they are talking about. “If he has a problem with the noise, he can stuff his ears with tissues!” She declared hotly, placing her hands on her hips. She was a busty woman with wide hips and was tall and opposing. Her name was Nikki, as specified by the plastic nametag. She was the customer service manager and so felt she could say anything without consequence. Logan stared at the ground, trying to let his mind go numb. He was the shift supervisor that night! He had a floor to run and to make sure that operations ran smoothly! This was no time to become emotionally invested. He turned stiffly and slipped out of the room, his expression somehow blank and dark at the same time. Virgil looked up from where he was filling bags, watching as Logan moved quickly by him, heading for the safe office. Once inside, Logan breathed a deep sigh. The large metal case that held thousands of dollars stared back at him. He gritted his teeth as he felt something go tingling up the back of his neck. He would not. He would not! Despite his determination, it happened. It happened far too quickly for him to comprehend until it was over. His head jerked up and to the side, jostling his glasses slightly. Like an irrepressible itch, he did it again, trying to relieve the tension in his neck. He was soon stuck in what he called ‘the loop’ as he snapped his head back in tiny repetitive movements. The frustration of losing control over his body like this was unexplainable. He whined softly, trying to stop the movement. Becoming vocal obviously proved to be a mistake. His tongue began to click as he tried to redirect the tics. When that didn’t work, he tensed, trying to suppress the feeling. His head bobbed with unrelieved tension. He growled slightly, he would overcome this. Then the noise happened. The sound of cheap plastic clappers snapping back and forth was enough to set the tics off with new energy. Tears threatened to form as Logan finally gave in. His voice was the next to act without his permission. Chanting and clicking filled the small room. “Hi!” He snapped in a high voice, unsure whom he was speaking to, “Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! H-hi! H-h-h-hi!” He slammed a hand over his mouth, trying to silence the noise. His hand didn’t obey him and moved to slam into his temple. He stopped it, redirecting the blow to his chest. It wasn’t ideal but it was better than pounding his skull. His hands began to tremble, and he reached up to grab his hair. Again, recognizing the potential harm, he gripped his shirt vigorously, shaking the material. He moved away from the door and walls to keep himself from slamming his hands into them. The clapping outside had long stopped but Logan didn’t cease the twitching movements. He looked almost possessed as he tried to work himself out of his personal hell. This was why Nikki wanted him to stuff his ears. The tics had been a recent development of his anxiety, according to his therapist. There were sounds that triggered them, and Nikki’s latest addition to the store was one of the strongest triggers Logan had ever encountered. He had tried to keep it quiet but others had noticed and, concerned and loving, they had turned to Nikki for the basic human function of consideration. They hadn’t found it. She had brought the clappers in to promote her fundraisers and she could not find cause enough to stop them. Logan felt the tingly feeling that was now possessing his whole body begin to drain. He pulled himself together as best he could, smoothing his hair and shirt. He took a breath and pushed his way out into the bustle of the grocery store. Virgil was standing near Patton, one of the best cashiers that Logan had ever come across. Roman was emerging from the manager’s office with an expression that was split three way between horror, anger, and disgust. He moved over to Virgil and tapped his elbow gently. The two grocery associates were about to wander away when they caught Logan standing there. The four of them had become fast friends. Roman and Logan knew each other, Virgil and Patton were friends, Virgil and Roman had met through grocery and Logan and Patton had bonded while working the front of the store. Now, Logan could not imagine his life without any of them. He stood still while the three of them made their way over to what they knew to be a camera’s blind spot. Roman bundled Logan into a tight hug. There was no hesitation as Logan let himself grip the back of Roman’s uniform. The cheap material felt odd beneath his fingers and the smell of Roman’s cologne was almost suffocating. He found comfort within the hold to, however. Patton made a soft noise of concern and gripped Virgil’s sleeve to keep him from going to punch someone. “You’re bigger than she is, don’t think to much on it.” Roman whispered. Logan nodded, not trusting himself to speak. As the day went on, he managed to shove it aside, stopping his ears with his fingers every time a clapper went off. Patton didn’t use his once, still managing to bring in the most donations. The night was rough, full of angry customers and tills that didn’t add up. Logan left a note about the safe being off before he finally locked the safe and the office. He tiredly pushed the buttons on the time clock, thankful that Nikki had left some hours earlier. As he stepped out of the store, he cast his eyes around for Patton’s car. The blue vehicle was idling not far away. He made his way over tiredly, trying not to tic. The passenger window rolled down and Virgil peered at him quizzically, as if trying to decide something. He jerked his head towards the back seat and Logan sighed, pulling the door open. Roman was sitting on the opposite side, looking at his childhood friend with clear concern. Logan eased himself in and pulled the door closed. Patton said nothing, just began driving. Logan clicked his seatbelt on and clicked his tongue. The noise repeated itself several times. He let his head hang loosely forward, trying to relax his tingling muscles. Instead, his whole body twisted and jerked to the right, gasping at the effort, “Hi!” He crowed, blushing furiously. He cradled his head in his hands and muttered an apology. No one responded. Patton pulled into their rental’s driveway and put the car in park. Logan didn’t look up but he could feel the three having a silent conversation over his head. Finally, the car shook slightly as Patton and Virgil climbed out. Logan sighed and followed them, Roman trailing behind him. As he stepped inside, he dropped his bags on the ground and toed his shoes off. Such an act of disorganization was alien to Logan unless he was stressed beyond belief. This was the case tonight. Patton tugged Virgil down the hall into his room. Logan stared after them in confusion, “Alright, Brainiac, c’mere.” Logan turned in just enough time to get a face full of Roman’s chest. The taller man cradled Logan’s head as he hugged him close. Logan stiffened, not necessarily wanting to break, breaking meant ticking and ticking was what had started this mess. Roman massaged the tension in Logan’s sore neck, prodding it gently with his fingers. Despite his best efforts, Logan leaned into the touch and felt his shoulders loosen. Right on cue, he ticked, dislodging Roman’s fingers from his neck. The other man pressed Logan closer, holding his head firmly to prevent him from hurting himself. Logan broke. The frustration and hurt, the fear and the uncontrollable came crashing over him with new vengeance and tears poured from his eyes. Roman shushed him softly, leading him to the sofa with gentle control. Patton and Virgil reemerged with Logan’s favorite sweatshirt and a box of tissues. With some manhandling, they managed to pull Logan’s uniform shirt off and swaddle him in the soft security of the sweater. Roman gently pulled his friend’s glasses off and set them aside. “Sorry.” Logan whispered, still tucked against Roman. Patton shook his head, “Never apologize for something that isn’t your fault, Lo. You don’t have to apologize, especially not to us.” He smiled encouragingly. Virgil snorted, “Yeah, someone else should be apologizing but, because she’s not here, we’re just gonna pretend she fell off a cliff somewhere and can’t bother us anymore.” Logan huffed a laugh as Patton turned a horrified look on the youngest of their group. Roman hummed softly under his breath, continuing to hold Logan close. His body still acted without his consent, tics and jerks ripping through him violently at times but, for the first time that day, it didn’t matter. Roman held his hands when they turned violent (he had bruises on his thighs from the attack earlier) and Patton offered words of encouragement. Virgil was a steady constant, occasionally returning the greetings that Logan chirped, and making sure he didn’t feel alone. The three of them surrounded him with a circle where no one could touch him and no one could hurt him. As exhaustion settled and the spasm of energy faded, Logan allowed himself to sink to sleep, comfortable in the company of those he trusted most.

Notes:

Remember that what people say about you doesn't define you and never apologize for what isn't your fault! Stay strong, peeps and keep being the amazing peeps you are, no matter what he Karens and Nikkis say. I love you!

[tanoraqui]

okay I have to do this today because even I wouldn’t do it after the godforsaken finale airs, and it’s basically my specialty and I did spend like an hour thinking about it last night while washing dishes. Definitely partly inspired by @words-writ-in-starlight​‘s insightful post on everything Supernatural did wrong, and apologies in advance to all the characters for dragging them into anything related to Christian mythology:

Wei Wuxian’s parents die in a house fire when he’s 6(? I refuse to look anything up) months old

Jiangs are a hunter family I guess? That whole disaster of a family dynamic, except WWX dips out at some point to be idk an environmental activist bc at the time, that seems like the larger threat to the whole world. “Mom and Dad went on a hunting trip and they haven’t come back”, “bitch” “jerk”, 2 brothers in a beat-up old car, you know the drill

Jins are also an old hunting family, but more Men of Letters energy - they have a fancy bunker and do research and avoid getting their actual hands dirty. Jiang Yanli ducked out of the active hunting life a few years ago to be happily married to her peacock and settled down with a baby and she’s fine. We’re not going to bother Yanli. She’s safe and happy and doesn’t need to involved in any of this

so, WWX is the demon blood child developing exciting new abilities like telekinesis, mind control, exorcising demons by sheer force of will...etc, and Jiang Cheng is the Righteous Man. Lucifer, Michael, etc.

s1-3 probably proceeds more or less as spn canon...which I more or less remember...by the time they find their parents at the end of s1, Jiang Fengmian is...ugh, we probably shouldn’t kill him offscreen, I mean, we should probably meet him before he dies. I guess. Madam Yu lasts longer because I’m way more interested in her. But we do know that both Jiang parents are totally inclined to fling the boys into a metaphorical or literal escape boat and go hold the line for as long as possible, so...that’s spn energy...

Xue Yang is the one who’s like “fuck yeah, demon powers” and opens the gates of Hell, because I want him to have nice* things

*nice for Xue Yang

from characterization rather than memory, I’m 90% sure that Dean tried to hide his crossroads deal from Sam, but Jiang Cheng does it...better. I think it does come out, though. Right before the hellhounds do.

here’s where it starts to go farther off from spn canon. Jiang Cheng crawls his way out of the grave, gets stalked by a menacing presence that explodes windows for an episode, incidentally can’t find WWX...*Lan Wangji voice* “I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition” (a baller line then and a baller line now)...and then the next episode starts with them all awkwardly standing around, and JC is like, “ok well let’s go find my brother then”, and you think there’s going to be an mdzs-riffing JC+LWJ Roadtrip To Find WWX...and they’re immediately attacked by like a dozen demons

in fact, the first time we see WWX in s4 is here, wherein he goes toe to toe with an angel and...holds his own. that’s new and terrifying! also is leading a squad of demons??

because here’s the thing: for the last 3(?) months, there’s been war in hell

because unlike Some People Mooses, upon finding out that his brother’s soul was legally nearly-owned by a crossroads demon, heir-apparent-to-Satan!WWX went, “actually fuck that” and kicked open the door of Hell (metaphorically, not loosing any demons this time) and was like, “who do I have to beat the shit out of to get a specific crossroads contract around here”

this did not work, obv. He didn’t know until it was too late, Lilith had already snapped up the contract, etc. etc.

obviously he also tried to offer himself instead, and got rejected for some reason

Since Jiang Cheng died, however, there’s been a war for control of Hell. Leading one side, Lilith, the Original Babe, who wants to break all 666(?) seals keeping Lucifer bound and in the meantime, break the Righteous Man so Heaven won’t even have Michael’s destined host ready for the Final Battle. Leading the other side, Wei Wuxian, infamous upstart, who wants to rescue the Righteous Man and restore him to life, tear Lilith’s guts out through her nose, and also stop her from doing the Lucifer thing because Wen Qing explained that yes, that’s a Thing, and it’s Bad.

Wen Qing! I’ve decided to combine Bela and Ruby’s roles and let WQ be both the cool badass example of how demon deals can go Bad and the demon deliberately leading our heroes astray for most of s3-4. Wen Qing is a very new demon; she used to be some sort of herbalist/witch but then she sold her soul in a crossroads deal to cure her brother of some lingering illness. 10 years of happiness and then boom, hellhounds. WQ is so obviously competent, though, that they (Lilith, I guess?) immediately offers her a job, with the promise threat that gee, that’s a nice brother you’ve got there, even with his Designated Chronic Health Condition getting all relapse-y. It’d be such a shame if something were to...happen to him...

we find this out at some point in last s3 I guess? some Monster of the Week case involves WN as a witness or something, or possible next victim, and WQ shows up to be A Normal Amount Of Invested In This, while desperately trying to avoid actually interacting with her brother (who thinks she’s dead). YES, the truth comes out; YES there’s a tearful reunion

now in s4, Wen Ning is fine actually, health-wise, bc he maybe made a crossroads deal with Wei Wuxian personally, and Wen Qing may or may not have admitted that she’s supposed to be working for Lilith to get WWX ready to host Lucifer? Or potentially that comes out later, idk. Either way, she’s 100% his top lieutenant in this exciting Hell War they’re waging

[insert whatever the hell (ha) happened plot-wise in s4 of supernatural]

we obviously mix up the relationships, too, bc it’s like, *LWJ internal monologue* I’m too young to remember my brother Lucifer as he was before he Fell, but surely Wei Wuxian is his Heir and Destined Vessel in truth, for he is Charismatic and Charming and Makes Me Feel Things, with his Clearly Feigned Righteous Drive and Compassion for All God’s Creatures and - why does heat keep pooling in the lower abdomen of my vessel when I look at his lips, which I am definitely doing a Normal and Not-Weird Amount - I’m just keeping an eye out for the famed Silver Tongue, and not in any way wondering how it would feel in my own mouth -

it’s actually DEFINITELY plausible for Lucifer to still be released even if our designated Heir Apparent is using his demon powers to his full potential and no one’s lying to each other about their motives. You just need to let Lilith be more scary too, and especially bc by “no one” I mostly mean Wen Qing; the angels are still totally hiding the fact that they, too, want to jumpstart the shit out of this apocalypse.  LWJ decides at the last minute that that’s a bad idea actually, gets himself discorporated to send JC to intercept WWX because he accidentally releases Lucifer, etc. etc. Oh yeah, the boys were def fighting before this, bc JC has actually fairly reasonable concerns about the sort of things WWX is getting up to in his quest to become King of Hell...

SO

...I neither know nor care what happens in s5

it does end with both Lucifer and Michael locked in the cage probably, bc I rather liked that solution. Fuck both of ‘em, basically.

I was toying with the idea that WWX also found Madam Yu in whatever hellish torment she was suffering after making a deal so her idiot son(s) would survive, and she was leading forces for him in the war against Lilith as well. If she came back to life somehow, body and all, it’d probably be compelling if she offered her own body to Michael - bc it’s her lineage! - and we’re all led to believe that she’s, uh, being a bitch and actually wants to risk destroying the world in order to destroy all demons...but then she seizes back control and flings herself/Michael and Lucifer into the Pit, because she’s just That Hardcore?

which means we’d actually have had her around and having characterization for most of s4-5, too, which would be fun

More importantly, it ends with newly crowned King of Hell Wei Wuxian appointing Wen Qing as Queen-Regent and ditching to go on an indefinite honeymoon with his new angel boyfriend (they’re going to fuck for like three weeks straight, then roll up their sleeves and go conquer Heaven in the name of free will), and Jiang Cheng gets to live out his hitherto-unknown-to-himself life’s ambition to be the sugar baby of the Queen of Hell. It’s very Hades/Persephone, except he goes back down to the underworld at least once a month. He gets his own demon squad whom he trains up in all the hunting techniques and it’s gr9. Wen Qing is reforming the crossroads deal process to make it more fair to the humans.

the end

Addenda:

it should go without saying but Jiang Yanli is definitely a recurring character, like, at least once a season there’s a filler episode where they go to Jiang Yanli’s for dinner and have to get along as a family, and also do the much easier job of defeating some sort of terrible demon that gets loose in the bunker and turns the evening into a horror movie. She’s their main research/emotional check-in person, a la Bobby, more often appearing in later seasons when there’s, uhhh, more to emotionally check in about.

Jin Zixuan is actually a perfectly competent hunter; he’s just a priss and we don’t Like him

we like Mianmian, though. Oh, I guess the official Hunter’s Guild or w/e tries to declare WWX a public enemy on account of the whole “King of Hell” thing and she’s like “actually what if you’re morons and assholes?” and joins hte team in s4 or 5? Yeah.

idk how the 3zun disaster happens in this ‘verse but I do encourage it to be happening in slow motion as a recurring subplot for several seasons. NMJ is a hunter, LXC is obv an angel, and JGY is...I wanna say one of the more human monsters, like a vampire? Or, you know, something that could be born from JGS sleeping with someone/something he shouldn’t have

[iatethepomegranate]

We are not alone in the dark with our demons, Chapter 11

In which Caleb buys a house in Rexxentrum with Beau and Yasha, becomes a professor, and learns to be a person and protect those who have been hurt like he has.

Content warnings: Caleb's backstory, mentions of abuse from teachers, discussions of institutionalisation, implied medical abuse

Chapter summary: Caleb was hurting, but he wasn't the only one. If he could do nothing else, he could care for his friends, and they could care for him.

Chapter notes: Kirschtorte is just Black Forest Cake with the geographic reference removed because Zemnian. Chapter title is from Neptune by Sleeping At Last

Chapter 11: If brokenness is a work of art surely this must be my masterpiece

Dinner was a solemn affair, no matter how much Caduceus and Yasha tried to provide comfort in the food they made. The spiced, fried bugs that Yasha had convinced them all to try were actually very good. And they hadn’t made apple tarts today--Jester would have been furious if they’d tried it in her absence--but they made a different Zemnian dessert instead: Kirschtorte. Layers of chocolate sponge sandwiched with whipped cream, sour cherries and a cherry liqueur unique to the Zemni Fields, with a few cherries placed on top.

It tasted so much like home that Caleb stopped eating, folded his arms on the table, rested his head on them, and cried. He had been too tired to excuse himself.

“Was the cake that bad?” Yasha half-whispered.

“No,” Beauregard said thickly. “It’s good, babe. I don’t think that’s… I think it’s been a long day. Long two days.”

Essek rubbed slow circles into Caleb’s back, but the group let him cry without disturbing him. Caduceus handed him a glass of water when he was finished. Caleb did not miss Beauregard twisting away from him to wipe her eyes. And Caleb was struck by another wave of emotion, grief at how much Beauregard was hurting, that almost brought him to tears all over again.

After dinner, Essek helped Caduceus and Yasha with the dishes. They hadn’t let Caleb or Beauregard help tonight. Caleb caught Beauregard as she left the kitchen, and guided her to the couch. They sat together, quietly at first. Sometimes Caleb felt so many things that it seemed impossible to put them into words. But he couldn’t leave things like this; she had gotten involved because of him. She’d run into a burning house with him, she’d watched Felix so Caduceus could help him try to save the Baumanns, she’d spent a day and night watching over Nico in the same state she knew Caleb himself had once been in. Eleven years in Vergesson, broken under the weight of what he had done to his mother and father. She knew all that. She knew more than almost anyone what he had gone through; she had listened to his story and written it down so they could stop Trent from hurting anyone else, and give Caleb just a little shred of peace. She cared about Caleb. She cared about people like him. And she had also been abused by a powerful man.

And they’d had the chance to help Nico in a way neither of them had been helped when they most needed it (and what help they had received only came years after the damage was done). Then, all their efforts to help Nico had failed. She’d mobilised the monks and done her best to find him, and had come up empty just like Caleb had.

She was hurting, too.

Caleb took her hand in both of his and, feeling awkward about it, kissed her knuckles. Beauregard looked at him strangely.

“Uh, Caleb? You’re being weird.”

“You’re a good friend, Beauregard.” Caleb patted her hand, setting it down on her leg.

“Oh, we’re gonna have one of those talks.”

Caleb’s track record for emotional conversations with Beauregard was, for the most part, horrifying. They were both awkward people who sometimes understood each other well, and other times couldn’t understand each other at all. He had, on more than one occasion, stormed away from a conversation silently screaming.

“Beauregard…” He sighed. Caleb was running on sheer willpower, emotionally bruised and given to cry at a moment’s notice. But he wanted her to know how much he appreciated her, and how sorry he was for her pain. “Thank you.”

“Caleb, we’ve been over this. You don’t need to say this shit.”

“I do, though.” Caleb hadn’t meant for his voice to sound so small. So fragile. But he… Caleb needed her to hear this.

She looked away. “Sorry. I just… you’re going through a lot of shit, and I don’t want you to feel, like, obligated…” She trailed off, staring at the colourful, jewel-toned rug Jester had brought from Nicodranas.

“This is not easy for you, either,” Caleb said, and Beauregard sagged against the couch, looking at him like he had grown another head.

“Caleb, what the fuck?”

“You are a caring person, Beauregard. And you know better than most what those children have been through. You listened to my story and wrote it down for me. You stood with me while I faced Trent in the courtroom and recounted, again, everything he had done to me.” Caleb didn’t know where he found the strength to speak, to build up the steam he needed to spill out all his feelings, but he did it because Beauregard needed to know. For both their sakes. “You and Veth were the first people I ever told. You are… invested. You care. You are kind and good. I need you to know that I am grateful for everything you have done for me, and for people like me.”

“Caleb, I know you’re grateful,” Beauregard said, with that same tired frustration she often had when he was being emotionally obtuse. “You’re also a fucking wreck and need to stop wasting your time on me.”

“I am not wasting anything,” Caleb said. He had to fight down his frustration. Neither of them were comfortable having this kind of focus on them, and she was trying to be a good friend. “That is not all I wanted to say. I want you to know… I see you.” Caleb wasn’t great at eye contact, but he made a special effort now, locking eyes with Beauregard and hoping she got it. Hoping she understood he knew she was suffering, and that it mattered to him.

“Hard not to, man. I’m pretty hot.”

“I’m glad you know that about yourself.” It would have been easy to let her deflect, but Caleb steeled himself to drag this conversation where he intended it to go. “But that is not what I meant. You know that.”

Beauregard averted her eyes once again.

“Yesterday was hard. Today was hard. For all of us. And you…” Caleb reached for her hand, relieved that she let him hold it. “You have been abused as well. And yet, you ran into a burning house with me. You saw Nico unresponsive in Wulf’s arms, knowing I was once like that, too. You watched over Felix while Caduceus and I tried to save Nico’s parents. Then, you watched over Nico and had to witness what I was going through that day, and that night. You have seen me in a bad place before, and that was the worst I have been in a long time, and I know it was confronting for all of you. And you did everything you could to keep Nico from running, and you were there when it all fell apart. I know you are hurt, Beauregard. And you are allowed to be. Please allow that for yourself.”

She squeezed his hand, and some of her guardedness fell away to reveal the sheer depths of sadness in her eyes. “I love you, man.”

“I love you, too, Beauregard. Thank you, and I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.”

“I know. You are a good person. I am sorry for your pain, because I am your friend.”

Beauregard clasped his hand in both of hers, staring down at the tangle of fingers. “I’m worried about you, Caleb. And about the kids. But I can do something about you, at least.”

“You have done a lot already, Beauregard. Thank you.” He tugged her by the hand until she shuffled close enough that he could throw his arms around her and drag her into the tightest hug he could manage. She squeezed him back, and his spine cracked a little in a way he didn’t know he had needed on both a physical and emotional level until relief flooded through his system.

****

Caduceus stayed overnight in case he was needed, and Essek dropped him back at the Grove the following morning.

“Call me any time,” Caduceus had said as his parting words. “Whatever you need, even if it’s in the middle of the night, I’ll be ready.”

The Volstrucker and the monks continued searching for Nico, and Caleb was at a loose end. So he launched himself into preparing for the upcoming semester, his first as a teacher. He split his time at home between his study in the dormer, the floor of Beau and Yasha’s living room, and occasionally the Cobalt Soul Archives while Beau was working, depending on how much his need for privacy warred with his need to have his loved ones close at hand.

Essek stayed. Caleb stewed in silent guilt whenever he let himself think about it too much, but he knew better than to ask Essek to leave when the man was clearly worried about him. More often than not, Caleb left the house with his hair braided, whether it was a single braid at the back or, Essek’s favourite, two narrow braids tucked into a half or full ponytail. Sometimes it felt like Caleb’s mental health hinged entirely on the presence of a braid.

Caleb sent daily messages to Felix and Nico. For Felix, it was simple to find a routine. A question about his day, little tidbits about a spell the boy had indicated an interest in, updates on the search for Nico, and whether either of them had received responses from him (the answer, thus far, was no). He didn’t push Felix for an answer about school. Not yet.

For Nico, Caleb weighed his words far more carefully.

On one day: “Hallo, Nico. It’s Caleb. How are you? I am working from home today. You are welcome here any time.”

A few hours after that: “Hallo, Nico. Caleb again. I just wanted to say: I know how you are feeling. I went through this as well. You’re in my thoughts.”

Another day: “Hallo, Nico. Me again. Are you safe? It’s cold out. Remember to drink water. Boil it first if necessary.”

And another: “Hallo, Nico. I am a teacher at the Academy now. I intend to watch these fuckers like a hawk. Keep the kids safe, ja?”

He burned a second spell for that one: “We deserved better. I will make sure the children who come after us get it. And you… come back when you’re ready. Let me help.”

And countless other messages, little updates about his day, about Felix, about work, about just… coming back in one piece.

And he did not receive a single response. Caleb cried more often than not after going through this. He preferred to be alone in his study in those moments, and the others had learned not to disturb him until he was ready to be around people again.

Overall, he felt he had been pretty good about it. He kept busy, spent time with his friends, let Essek hover around him and take care of him. Caleb let Essek help with his lesson plans, bounce around ideas for a presentation he would have to make in the first week of semester as a new teacher at the Academy. He had already told the Nein they were invited, and had spoken to Astrid to make sure the non-citizens would be welcome.

He also remembered to invite Nico, on the off-chance the boy needed a specific call to action to return to Rexxentrum.

“Hallo, Nico. I am presenting a talk next week at the Academy on the first day of semester. 7 o’clock. You would be welcome.”

Caleb met regularly with Bettina and Alphira to work on their lesson plans together. He spent most of that time with Bettina, given he would literally be taking over one of her classes. He was mostly assisting Alphira, though she was interested to get him in to talk to the senior Evocation students at some point about his experiences with the Sending spell. Including the funny ones with Jester. There was also an interesting discussion to be had about why Sending was considered an Evocation spell while Message was considered a Transmutation cantrip. Both professors spoke carefully in a way that suggested they knew what had happened with Felix and Nico, but they never brought it up. He was relieved they let him keep his academic work separate from that heartbreaking shitshow.

Between work, Caleb found time to catch up with Astrid and Wulf. He pretended not to notice their visible relief whenever they saw him, because he was genuinely unsure what they would do if he brought it up.

At a certain point, meeting in Astrid’s office brought up too many memories, so they moved their meetings to the dance hall. Beauregard, Yasha and even a disguised Essek had “accidentally” wandered in on more than one occasion.

“Are you still talking to Felix?” Astrid asked him as the three of them sat around a table in the farthest corner of the room from the dance floor.

“Ja, he doesn’t tell me everything, but he responds at least.”

“Still nothing from Nico?”

Caleb didn’t need to say it out loud; he couldn’t school his expression to hide the pain there. And Astrid and Wulf had once known him very well.

Astrid reached out, touched the back of his hand where it rested on the table beside his mug of ale. “I’m sorry, Bren.”

Wulf had his eye on Yasha, who was calmly drinking at the bar. “Astrid’s people are still looking for him.”

Caleb did his best to shrug off the hurt. “I know.”

Astrid squeezed his hand once and then retreated. “Now, about your lesson plans…”

She had been teaching for a while, so Astrid had plenty of advice to give. However, she was also hesitant to steer Caleb too much.

“You have good instincts,” she told him every time they spoke about it. “Trust them.”

On their way out of the dance hall, where they had sat for a good three hours, Astrid caught Caleb’s arm.

“One more thing. I have secured a venue at the Academy for the support group, mid-week. I have contacted most of the Volstrucker. We are ready to go ahead when you are.”

“Astrid, the point of this is not for one person to steer it.”

Astrid raised an eyebrow at him. “Bren, we need a dedicated person to drive this. And that person is you.”

The thought of that was frightening. Caleb was barely figuring out how to be a person himself, let alone be responsible for the healing of dozens of people who had been under Trent’s thumb for far longer than he had.

“Astrid.”

“I am not expecting you to have all the answers for them,” she said firmly. “But you have had more time to process than the rest of us have.” She gave a small, wry chuckle. “In fact, you may be the most stable of us all.”

“Astrid, that is horrifying.”

“She’s right,” said Wulf. “Besides, you have a way with people. Always have.”

Caleb was not like Fjord or Jester or Caduceus who always seemed to have something to say when someone was hurting, but he could talk when he had to. He feared some of the Volstrucker would not take him seriously because he had broken, or because he had gotten out long before they had. This would take time. Fortunately, Caleb was one of the few Empire wizards with in-depth knowledge of time, learned from a reliable source.

Astrid still held his arm. She slid down to grip his hand instead. “I know this will not be easy for you. You were always sensitive. But that is why you have a chance with these people. They are not…” She sighed. “Trent made sure we don’t know how to exist in a world without his boot on our throats.”

“We don’t know how to process our emotions,” Wulf said, and it was odd to hear him admit it aloud. “Well, most of us. You do all right.”

Caleb laughed at that, because it sounded like a horrible joke. Caleb, who felt so constantly bruised on the inside that even the slightest inconvenience threatened to send him into tears. Who still woke up gasping in the night. Who was so choked by pain sometimes that words left him. Processing his emotions? It was more likely that his emotions processed him. Like a fucking meatgrinder.

Astrid frowned at him. “Let’s take a walk. Just the three of us.” She glanced back at the door, where Yasha was visible. “If your shadow will allow it.”

“My shadow does what she likes,” Caleb muttered, letting Astrid tug him along. Wulf took his other hand, leaving him little choice to let the two of them take him where they willed.

They wound up in a small park they had used to visit regularly, especially when drunk after a night of dancing. It was strange to see it in daylight, and while Caleb was mostly sober. They sat on the grass beside a small ornamental pond, Astrid and Wulf pointedly bookending Caleb, sitting close enough for their shoulders to touch. The wind played with the strands of Caleb’s hair that had fallen out of his braid. He never bothered to fix them because Essek found it endearing.

“I apologise,” said Astrid. “I did not mean to upset you.”

“I’m not upset, Astrid.” At her doubtful noise, he added, “Not at you.”

“You should get out of Rexxentrum,” she said abruptly. “Just for a few days. We have things well in hand. Your lesson plans are solid. Bettina and Alphira are pleased. You do not need to be here until next week.”

“And if Nico comes back?”

“You will be contacted. I promise.” Astrid looked to Wulf, who shrugged at her, which caused her to roll her eyes. “Jester keeps pestering me to make you visit Nicodranas.”

Caleb had been messaging with Jester regularly, and she had hinted that he should visit, but she was usually a lot more explicit when she wanted to see him. And he knew she was talking to Yasha, Beau and Essek, but none of them had said much about it.

It was odd. “Is there a reason she is pestering you and not the people I literally live with?”

Astrid shrugged. “I may have let a few things slip.”

“Astrid, you do not ‘let things slip.’”

She looked utterly unashamed. “Well, apparently you had not told some of your dearest friends you are going through a rough patch, so I did it for you.”

“In how much detail, exactly?” Caleb did not like to be angry with his friends, especially Astrid, but he needed to work out how much of a problem he needed to have with her.

“Very little, just enough that she knows you are not at your best. I would not rob you of that agency.”

That last part hit Caleb harder than he could have expected. “I… thank you.”

Caleb had to admit he missed his friends terribly. Especially Veth, who of all the Nein had seen him at his worst, helped him put the pieces of his brain together on the days he collapsed, who had cuddled up to him on bad days, who had been the first friend he’d had in many years. And Jester, who knew how to ruin a dark mood. Fjord, with his quiet understanding. Kingsley with his… Kingsleyness that was a little painfully close to Molly sometimes but more than welcome.

He always knew they would be worried sick if he told them even a fraction of what had happened in the last few days. Seeing the pain he brought to Caduceus, Yasha, Beau and Essek was hard enough. But they loved him. Those who did not know what had happened would want to know, so they could help.

And he was touched that Astrid and Wulf had taken the time to sit him down and discuss this with him. He didn’t know what they were now. Maybe he never would. Maybe they were friends again. They had all changed so much, Caleb especially, that it was hard to say if they could even be friends. But Caleb wanted it. He wanted it a lot.

“I suppose I can spare a day or two,” he finally said. It would be good for Essek to get out of Rexxentrum, too. Maybe he could drag Beau and Yasha out for a bit, even if Beau had obligations at the Archive.

Wulf and Astrid looked at each other in a knowing way he had not seen from them in seventeen years. The familiarity was strange, and a little uncomfortable, but also comforting at the same time. He had spent so much time emphasising how much he still cared for them, doing his best to drag them away from Trent, and then gently guiding them through sharing their trauma to put Trent away for good. But he had never forgotten that for such a long time, they were the ones looking out for him and protecting him. He had done the same for them, of course, but there had often been an unspoken understanding that Caleb was just a little bit squishy, needed just a little extra care.

Caleb was also keenly aware that sometimes it was easier to care for someone else than to care for yourself.

Wulf’s large hand found Caleb’s knee. “Good. Say hi to Fjord for me.”

“Tell him yourself,” Caleb muttered, because he knew Wulf would find it more funny than offensive.

Wulf chuckled and squeezed his knee. “Oh, and warn your boyfriend: if he hurts you, I will cut off his balls.”

“You will have to beat me there,” said Astrid.

Okay, this conversation had taken so many twists and turns that Caleb had half a mind to visit the Grove and ask Caduceus to check him for whiplash. Unsurprising, really. Things were complicated between the three of them and likely would be for a very long time.

He wasn’t sure what to say about the fact his exes were on the cusp of threatening his current partner, and not in the way one might expect. Caleb found himself fiddling with the end of his braid while he tried to process what the fuck was happening to him.

Finally, he said, “There are a great many people who would fuck him up if he ever put a foot wrong with me, and he himself is first in line. You need not worry about that. Thank you for your… concern?”

Astrid and Wulf shared another look, much more pained than the last. Then they both looked away, Astrid into the grass and Wulf at the pond.

“He treats you well?” she said quietly.

“Ja, very well. He came back to take care of me.” Caleb had no words for the depths of his gratitude towards Essek. He was always gentle with Caleb, sensitive to his needs. And these last few days, he had been nothing but a source of endless love and support, a soft place to land when Caleb felt like he was in freefall. He always offered this, but every protective and caring instinct in Essek had been cranked upward, like casting an old, reliable third-level spell at eighth level instead. Or ninth, though Caleb and Essek were not quite to that level of magical skill yet.

“Good,” Wulf muttered. “You play with your braid when you talk about him.”

Caleb chuckled, not even embarrassed he had been caught with such an obvious tell. “Ja, he likes to braid my hair for me.”

“Hard to hate a man who braids his partner’s hair.” Wulf’s voice was almost wistful; Caleb’s hair had never been long enough to braid when the three of them were together, but they had occasionally been able to get a small one into Astrid’s hair.

“Good. Don’t.”

Astrid’s hand found Caleb’s other knee. “You’ve been through a lot, even in the past few days alone. And… we know you are capable. You have the willpower and the support you need to get through all of this, and to guide the Volstrucker who agree to attend the support group. But we do worry for you. And we are… glad… you have people in your life who take care of you.” Once again, she could not look at him. “Wulf and I… we are sorry we failed you.”

That was a new one. “Astrid, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“Greater Restoration,” Wulf said quietly.

“If we had found the nerve to talk to a cleric ourselves,” added Astrid, “we could have gotten you out of there years ago.”

Right. Vergesson. “Trent wouldn’t have allowed it. You know that.”

“We could have tried.”

They had been teenagers. Frightened, grieving teenagers at the mercy of a powerful man. Of all the things Caleb could have held against Astrid and Eadwulf, this would never be one of them.

“You could have gotten us all killed,” Caleb said, forcing steel into his tone in the hope it would break whatever spiral Astrid and Wulf had worked themselves into. “You didn’t know that Greater Restoration would have done shit for me. Why would you? That is not the skillset Trent cultivated in us. He taught us how to hurt people, because we were to be his weapons. He had us murder our own fucking parents because all he wanted us to know was violence and pain and fear and utter reliance on him alone. You do not need to apologise for not taking on a fool’s errand.”

They refused to look at him once again. Jaws clenched. Eyes wild and staring holes into the ground.

“We were children,” Caleb reminded them, squeezing their hands where they remained on his knees. “We were children. Of all the things we have done or not done, that is the last thing I will ever let you apologise for. Do not hurt yourselves, hurt me, like this. Please.”

Astrid’s free hand pressed over her mouth, catching a sob. Wulf’s thumb drew a slow circle on Caleb’s knee.

“You’re right,” Wulf said quietly. “It would have been foolish. But we…”

“We were cowards,” Astrid snapped. “We left you there for eleven years. Trent made sure you were cared for, but… it was Vergesson. And you were defenceless.”

“I am well aware,” Caleb said before she could pull up memories that were far too painful for any of them. “I have told you before that I remember little of my time there. I would prefer it remain that way, I think.” Caleb wasn’t sure he could survive remembering that place beyond the flashes of awful that would sometimes come to him.

“I’m sorry, Bren. I’m sorry.”

“Shhhh. Enough of that.”

Astrid cleared her throat, straightened up. Evidently she had remembered they were technically in a public place.

“Do us a favour,” said Wulf. “Go to Nicodranas. Get some rest.”

“I will, if the two of you will also do me a favour.”

Astrid, newly composed, raised an eyebrow at him. “What is this favour?”

“Try to hate yourselves a little less. Hypocritical coming from me, but I think we could all stand to be kinder to ourselves.” Caleb had said almost those exact words to Essek in the Blooming Grove all those months ago, and he was struck by how much he had a type.

“All right,” she said, smiling with so much affection that Caleb was taken back to their first kiss in a freezing cold tower. “You first.”

They parted ways not long afterwards, and Yasha melted out of the shadows to walk Caleb home.

“That looked very intense,” she said, leading him by the hand like he was a small child bound to get lost in a big city. “Are you okay?”

“I think so. Think you can convince Beauregard to visit Nicodranas for a bit?”

Yasha chuckled. “I think I can manage.”

****

Making arrangements for Nicodranas kept Caleb from stewing too much in his talk with Astrid and Wulf. That was welcome. He appreciated the care they still had for him, but there were some things that were still too painful and probably always would be. He had already messaged Jester to confirm the Nein Heroez would be in dock at the time.

“Of course, Caleb! Did Astrid talk to you? She’s super nice, and she really cares about you a lot. I’m sorry I was mean to--” The message cut off at twenty-five words; Jester’s word economy, or lack thereof, would always be a source of joy even on a bad day.

Essek, mercifully, had messaged Veth for him; she would hear the exhaustion in Caleb’s voice and worry herself into a panic.

Despite the flurry of activity, Caleb still found himself occasionally caught, freezing in the act of folding a shirt or cataloguing his spell components. And he’d remember how much the two visits to Vergesson he had made since his escape had rattled him. The few memories he had were bad enough, and he knew so much of the pain the place brought him was buried in his subconscious. Or in moments that his body seemed to remember but his mind didn’t.

The bloodbath he’d caused while on the amulet heist. So on edge that he had forgotten a crucial detail about the Wall of Force spell until he had expended all his spells that he could have used to disintegrate it. Caleb did not forget things like that. Until he did, apparently. And then there had been his complete inability to do anything but fight when Trent had appeared suddenly, temporarily thwarting their escape. He’d fallen back on his training. Always his training. And the violence it entailed.

While part of him was a tiniest bit curious what had happened during those eleven years, if nothing else to further catalogue Trent’s sins on the public record and dig up his accomplices, most of him hoped he never found out.

As he stood a little too long in these thoughts, a pair of dusky purple hands lifted Caleb’s component pouch from his shaking grip, setting it aside. Essek sat Caleb on the end of the bed and wordlessly climbed behind him, knees gently pressing Caleb’s hips as he pulled the braid loose and began it anew. The gentle tugging motions slowly pulled Caleb back into his body, and the present.

Essek finished off the braid and kissed Caleb’s neck. “Do you want to talk about it?”

More like Caleb needed to talk about it before he imploded. “Astrid and Wulf apologised for not getting me out of Vergesson themselves. And… I think they know some parts of what happened to me there. Things I don’t remember. Things I don’t want to remember. Things I might know subconsciously that I don’t think I can handle knowing consciously. I’m just… out of sorts, I suppose.”

Essek slid his arms around Caleb’s chest, pressing himself up against his back, squishing their cheeks together. “I would like to turn them into spaghetti for making you think about this when you have enough to worry about, but you would be upset with me.”

“I’m not angry with them.”

“I know.” Essek kissed his cheek, nuzzling Caleb’s stubble.

“Vergesson is… I do not like the person I became when I was last there. I don’t think I could survive remembering what happened to me.”

“Then don’t try to remember.” Essek flattened his palm over Caleb’s heart and gently pressed down, forcing Caleb to focus more on his breathing. Remembering that his heart still beat. He was here.

More immediate, practical thoughts began to filter back into Caleb’s mind. He remembered he was going to Send to Caduceus and invite him to Nicodranas. Caduceus would hear the rough edges in Caleb’s voice, but he could handle it far better than most of the Nein.

“Hallo, Caduceus. It’s Caleb. We are visiting Nicodranas for a few days tomorrow. Would you like to come? We can pick you up in the morning.”

There was a slight pause, and then Caduceus’s warm, soothing tone filled Caleb’s mind. “Hey, Caleb. That sounds great. I’ll be ready, with fresh tea for everyone. And sunhats. You and Essek will burn in the sun.”

“Caduceus is in,” Caleb said, stifling a yawn. Essek laughed softly, his breath tickling Caleb’s neck. “Now for Yussa.” He cast again, directing a message to Wensforth. “Hallo, it’s Caleb of the Mighty Nein. We are visiting Nicodranas tomorrow. May we use the circle? It would be good to see you both.”

Wensforth replied quickly. “Yes, of course! The master is eager to speak with you at any time. Please… message before you arrive?”

Caleb let himself laugh a little. The Nein were notoriously awful at warning people of their arrival. And Caleb was touched that Yussa, ever a busy man, thought so highly of them now that he would happily drop everything to talk to them. They had spoken a few times since Cognouza, and if Yussa had been a less restrained man, Caleb had the strong impression he would’ve hugged each and every one of the Nein in gratitude for saving him.

And, to think, Caleb had once been so frightened of him that he could barely speak.

He felt better, so he got up and finished sorting his spell components, making a note that he would need to restock his teleportation circle chalk after a few more uses.

Caleb helped Yasha cook Eintopf that evening, a one-pot stew. Caleb had grown up eating dozens of versions of the stew, but he had his favourites. Carrots, leeks and celeriac were key to the base of the soup, as they were preparing their own broth. Along with a bunch of parsley. Yasha had found some excellent pork sausages at the market today, so those went in along with green beans (Caleb’s sentimental favourite), potatoes, and a ton of onion. Lots of garlic. Yasha had also found marjoram at the market today.

This was a recipe Caleb had helped his mother cook even as a boy, so he also insisted they add apple like she always had. For a little bit of sweetness and acidity. And surprise.

Caleb cleaned and steamed the beans while Yasha browned the meat and onions and potatoes and garlic. From there, they tag-teamed to get everything bubbling away until it was all finally ready to put into a pot and simmer away to completion.

It was a good use of the evening, and it kept Caleb busy and enveloped in happy sensory memories of his mother’s kitchen. While the stew bubbled away, he munched on a few green beans he’d set aside for the fun of it after they had steamed.

Essek hovered in the corner, reading a book about sea creatures Jester had brought him last time she was in town. Caleb pulled out his lesson plans and speech preparation, spreading it out across the dinner table, and made edits into the evening.

Beauregard arrived home from work--Yasha had visited her already to persuade her to come with them to Nicodranas. And then they ate dinner together at the table, and the taste of home did not send Caleb into a grief spiral tonight. This time, it just soothed him.

Before bed, Caleb sent one last message: “Hallo, Nico. It’s Caleb. I will be in Nicodranas for a few days. If you need shelter and the house is empty, take the key--” He cast again. “From inside the flowerpot on the right side of the house. I have an illusion set to guide you. Password: Wilkommen. Gute nacht.”

No response, but Caleb hadn’t expected one. He let Essek tuck him into bed. They curled up together, Essek slowly but firmly stroking his back with grounding pressure, until Caleb fell asleep.

[scoundrels-in-love]

Almost 300 years a week later, here are some of my thoughts on Dan Ah and her actions through ep 11 and 12. I will try not to repeat too much of the points I made here, or elsewhere in my rambles, but if it happens, it happens. + I won’t operate on mindset that you’ve read it.

First, I think her saying ‘apologies are meaningless, I can’t take back things I said, only make up for it’ is incredibly telling of her as person and the kind of environment she grew up in - the high society and family where apologies are dished out hollowly and never followed through with intention of changing something for the better or your behavior. Time and how you spend it is very important to her. She even says as much in her confession and I think it only outlines how much her time is the one thing she tries to have control of, and exert it (over herself as well). Considering the concept of possibly terminal illness that she suffers from, it makes sense. She doesn’t have time to be patient, no one will wait for her, including her own health. Yeong Hwa is the one immovable object that forces her to slow down and readjust her whole approach to life and it’s been... Not comfortable, necessarily, but it’s been functional, so she struggles to redefine it, especially without real example.

Second, there’s lot of parallels to be drawn between her and Mi Joo. And I ended up writing this all backwards, so I am not sure if I’ll manage to include it, but in some ways, Mi Joo’s line about ‘I value myself more than anyone else’ both in the sense that she’s the most important to herself and that no one else values her truly highly is very reminiscent of Dan Ah’s attitude and the way she admitted she isn’t in control of her life entirely o Mi Joo.

And there’s. of course, that moment when Mi Joo responded sarcastically to Seun Gyeom, later to apologize for it, which he took in a stride (much as he had said that he had never felt Dan Ah walked over him unjustly), because he does understand where they come from and how they work, on a certain level (even if he underestimated just how his father would strike and manage to hurt Mi Joo). I think Dan Ah isn’t at place where she cay say that yet, but I do believe sentiment is within her.

If someone asked what motivates Dan Ah, her answer could be similar to Mi Joo’s - fear and obsession, rather than Seun Gyeom’s regret. Fear of being controlled, of being weak and sick, obsession of having and exerting certain power and keeping yourself safe. Now, this point altogether is purely speculation on my part, of course, but that’s my read on the character, but also her anxiety has been mentioned several times and anxiety is basically that - fear, especially of things going wrong/being out of control, if we wish to trivialize it.

And although Dan Ah merely adds that whatever she had, got taken away from her, she basically used same method as Mi Joo - set her goals and opted for the best ‘fake’ that she could get, in this case her company, rather than being football player or the gallery. Both, in the same way, would rather put up walls to not lose what little they have but the men in their lives just... Bypassed them.

It’s interesting to note that similarly as Mi Joo is currently trying to sort ouf what is real and to go for, instead of relying on having a ‘fake’, so does Dan Ah - it’s likely she is planning to expose the illegitimate status of both her brothers to gain what is technically rightfully hers (hence asking her younger brother to side with her even when it will not be comfortable for him).

Third, I think the way she’s seeking out Mi Joo and her opinion is very interesting. And it does loop back to Yeong Hwa as well!

From the very start, we see that Dan Ah actually cares to listen to other people to an extent (she asks her secretary what she did wrong to upset Seun Gyeom, even if she ends the conversation how much simpler it’d be if all of us thought were similar, which is strongly undermined by all of her interactions with Mi Joo and even Yeong Hwa essentially). She is interested in experiencing being opposed and challenged in a way that is not downright demeaning as she does in her family. She finds their view on world interesting, if somewhat incomprehensible, and listens to it, processes it inwardly, even if her initial reaction might be defensive. (Also, it shows from start she’s willing to admit she doesn’t have all answers, same as she does with Yeong Hwa telling him that she doesn’t know what answer he wants - as she would need to know in business deal which is what most of her world consists of.)

But in some ways, I also think she is interested in what Seun Gyeom and Mi Joo have created and how. She basically instantly could tell Seun Gyeom is interested in Mi Joo which is implied as rare occurrence (or perhaps even the only time since she says she’s the last woman he liked and he debunks the theory), she asks several times what Mi Joo sees in Seun Gyeom that makes her so protective of him (which I think is both a way to see how deeply Mi Joo cares for him and to see more of Seun Gyeom). But also in some way, although it is her own act to let Seun Gyeom, she “loses” him to his own path and Mi Joo both. Because I do think she cares for him as a friend, perhaps only one she has.

Although she puts Seun Gyeom’s picture by the trash, it’s actually not taken out for several days and it’s definitely not because the secretary or the cleaner are neglecting their duties. Rather, same way as he didn’t throw away the honey but handed it back to Yeong Hwa, the secretary is aware she’s not really emotionally throwing him away. Because once she likes something, she never really stops, as per her own admission.

So there’s this certain feeling of loss that she can’t quite admit to herself and want to know both what Mi Joo saw and supported in Seun Gyeom and how and a yearning for something similar, because this is basically the first friendship/not work based relationship of the kind that she sees. (The same way she marvels is this how full-blood siblings are supposed to be when Eun Bi is upset about Seun Gyeom’s picture and how she defends her brother and then, Dan Ah actually ‘tattles’ on her so he can protect her, which can be covered up with excuse it was over the schedule, but was it really?)

In fact, she seems to be somewhat envious of relationship her brother has with her secretary, saying he still cares for her brother more and also the way she wanted to be included in the whole cat talk. She is upset when he doesn’t say he’s her person, but employed by the company, she protects him the way she knows how to (regarding revenge kick) and generally cares for him. She just wants someone truly and personally on her side, even though she probably has a hard time admitting it to herself which results in these odd and halfway there and nowhere attempts, especially paired with  the fact she doesn’t really know how to establish not-work-related connection on a deeper level.

I will add point fourth here, although it’s still technically third. It’s safer, far more practical and logical to stay detached. But the heart wants what it wants and it’s friendship, connection, being liked for who she is and being challenged but not seen as lesser, with someone who won’t smile because she’s his boss, although that sort of control is precious and hard fought to be had in part of her life.

Caring for something or someone is relinquishing this control, basically inviting the same result Seun Gyeom got taste of at ep of 12, the result she already experienced with her dreams of being football player crushed. Except if it involves another person, it increases the chances of being hurt by them exponentially. And it’s also worth considering that if her relationship with mother was close, she’s also already experienced abandonment and grief of losing someone dear and close. (Which, of the leads, only Mi Joo knows and even then it’s more the absence of reflection what other people around her have which hurts, but in a different way, as per my experience.)

Concept of Mi Joo’s friendship, and Yeong Hwa as a whole, become very images of these unsaid wish fulfillment because they’re not trying to be.

They’re themselves, argumentative and challenging, and teasing, despite her being ‘above them’ in power hierarchy, leveling the field by merely ignoring it, and, initially, she doesn’t even try to get Yeong Hwa sign a contract, it’s only when her own yearning for his work (and for him), and him denying her any of it becomes a problem that she ‘admits’ it was her own fault for not drawing the sort of lines she’s used to with everyone else, and even then she’s not really thrilled about him agreeing to it, because it’s not really what she wants from him, although it’s what would be the safest and make the most actual sense within her world.

Even then, as her employee, he refuses to follow her orders and tells her plainly - if she wants something, she is to be vulnerable and invest herself into it (she actually tries, by smiling because he had said it was cute) and she has to admit to herself and to him, that he has grown onto her, not as a ‘vending machine’ or ‘employee’, but person whose opinion and feelings toward her are very important to her.

Also, it’s very telling how she tells him she belongs to herself, of course, and that he, too, can still belong to himself. She wants him as individual separate from herself, but the thought that he is firmly on her side obviously makes her very happy. In some ways, it’s also upgrade from ‘my person’ claim she makes toward her secretary, a learning curve.

Fifth, I suppose. While I rewatched some scenes to make sure I wasn’t actually misremembering, I started to think of another motif that repeats through her conversations.

Dan Ah repeatedly tells him not to have expectations, sentiments, disappointments toward her. From one side, it’s to draw a clear line of employee/employer and view each other in a detached way (that she tries again and again herself, but fails to), but from other, is it that simple?

She is almost crying when she asks him if he’s really stopped liking her and from preview, we learn that no one has asked her out before, seemingly? Probably because she was too much of a boss ass bitch, but still possibly left with a certain sense of inadequacy and that ‘when I am being apologetically me and I will always be that, I am not likeable although I do not entirely understand why’, as per her wondering why people always think she’s mean when by most of her society’s standards, she is rather thoughtful.

Her want of gallery has been brought up several times, her older half brother often says her pick of artist will never be good enough, her father still sees her as a tool to marry off. She as person with her goals and dreams and what she has achieved, just isn’t good enough for people around her at large.

The moment he cares for her, the moment she inherently becomes capable of disappointing him. The moment she cares for him, the moment she becomes capable of disappointing him. And that thought, of doing that and not enough to Yeong Hwa who has sneakily smiled his way into her heart, the growing awareness she truly doesn’t know how to be in some aspects, is overwhelming and painful and she tries to shut the door to it.

Also, he tells her he likes her no matter what he does, but he hates it, which I imagine is double the punch and she tries to find a solution that would make him happy and stop hating it - the perfect answer, as she would in a business deal, but she can’t, until she commits to the truly mortifying ordeal of being known (as suggested by Mi Joo).

Sixth, I really liked that she (or the narrative) didn’t make fun of Yeong Hwa crying. In fact, she’s eyerolled about her younger brother’s temper, but not really in the present made fun of him for apparently being a ‘crybaby’ in the past. I think that in a sense shows her actual streak of empathy and maybe the fact that she’s familiar with need to cry herself and doesn’t find it ‘weak’ as most ‘tougher’ characters would. Also perhaps that she cares for her younger brother more than she has admitted to herself, similarly as she kept denying she cared for Yeong Hwa and went rather far to hurt him.

[retvenkos]

anyways i guess i'm a portwell stan now (enemies to lovers/best friends brother/make each other better trope & troy and gabriella parallels my beloved)

and i'm also exasperated at the writers at ricky's path this season. and the writers in general.

i just. want miss jenn and mr mazzara to get together this season and ej and gina to be happy, if that's too much to ask for.

AND WHY DOES THERE HAVE TO BE SO MANY LOVE TRIANGLES????

nobody wants it, they're not needed- all this season has been about romance, with a few crumbs of musical theatre, and it's not what i signed up for! i want more friendship moments between kourtney and seb, and i want more of the dorky improv games.

let the kids be kids.

the north high rivalry is getting unrealistically annoying. if anything, the theatre community is supportive of each other (i'm in a performing arts school, i should know lmbo)

ricky's parents' divorce plot was completely thrown out the window.

nobody wanted the redlyn angst.

why is carlos being kinda mean?

this whole has season has been a mess, and the only people carrying the show on their backs now is ej, gina, mr. mazzara and howie's rendition of "if i can't love her".

i'm so sorry for vomiting this all over you, i just felt this show is going downhill- kinda like glee.

dfghjdsfghjhgfdsdfghjhgfd,,, i haven't watched glee but i know enough about it to know that was a sick burn, cass. i love it.

and omg,,,,, do i have thoughts™. let's unpack them, shall we?

i agree that this season has been..... a lot™. it’s just a cluster of half-baked plot points that are strung together really losely. i feel like they should have scaled back on some of their ambitions.

namely, the north high rivalry is really bland and unnecessary. the only good things to come out of it is howie, the song around you, and the stunning location (i mean, art deco ogden high? count me in). you could take out the menkies entirely and so little would change to the overall story. i’d argue the story could have been even better without it because.... big shock..... we could focus on the characters.

because, truly, they’re trying to tackle too many things at once. whatever angst is happening with carlos and seb is the worst developed plot point we’ve had to suffer through. carlos says “does chip have any big scenes?” and it’s the catalyst for a fight? then we have them split for spring break and it’s just snippets of them fighting? literally, there’s zero reason for seb and carlos to fight - their dynamic is cute but it’s background chatter when you have whatever the hell is happening with ricky, nini, ej, and gina front and center. there was no reason to make then fight and it doesn’t add to their development, it isn’t well executed, and it isn’t particularly interesting. just let them be happy?

and i feel like that’s such a running theme for all of the side relationships? like you said - redlyn didn’t really need angst? i feel like the whole “career day” arc was well done and was compelling (but maybe that’s just because i had a friend who went through the same thing as red, so i’m sympathetic to it), but whatever went on with antoine and ashlyn was just.... really unnecessary? it didn’t add anything? maybe they’ll be revisiting the plot point, but as it stands right now, it was just really random to add in, and perhaps if i were more invested with north high, i would appreciate it more. but they’re.... so inconsequential.

and now we get to talk about one of my biggest gripes,,,,,,, ricky’s parents’ divorce. listen, i thought it was well developed in season one. it had importance. it affected ricky. it affected the plot. it raised the stakes. now it’s just underdeveloped. we’ve barely seen ricky’s homelife, given the sheer amount of plot points the show is juggling, and since ricky has mainly had negative scenes through the totality of the season, viewers aren’t really interested in seeing how the crumbs of his tumultuous homelife are affecting his behavior (which is kind of important, seeing as it accounts for the degradation of his character). 

ricky is going through a lot this season, and i feel like the main reason why people are so upset with him is because the writers leaned into his sad boi™ status. maybe it’s because the screentime is so divided and the stakes are higher, or because the writers really just got rid of all of ricky’s personality, but ricky has had two personality traits this season - sad clingy boi and bitter, passive aggressive boi. 

now, these personality appeared in season one - quite a lot, actually - but because it was framed  between light hearted moments and exploration of his conflicts, it was palatable and understandable. viewers understood why ricky was so desperately clinging onto the past and resisted change so much. we saw the tempest he was in! we had moments where friends like big red or even gina mentioned it. his reactions had merit because the viewer saw the buildup! 

this season, we have not had that. we see ricky’s dad trying to do his best with moving out, and with trying to move on, and we see ricky’s mom trying to do the same, and this is all strong for them, but when ricky can’t move on, and we see less of the struggle that ricky feels, we become disenchanted. ricky has stagnated, and we see everyone else moving on, and we do not focus on hat influences ricky to stop dead in his tracks. 

what’s worse is that the writers have ricky blow up so much more than last season, when we see less reasoning, and when he mentions how his parent’s divorce is a main reason for his angst, we really have no basis for that - except for what we saw in season 1. season 1 isn’t enough anymore, though, because ricky’s dad has moved on! so has ricky’s mom! 

i’m just scREAMING because ricky’s story is important and it was done well in season 1 and now the writers are losing ricky in the crossfire and pulling out the most degraded, negative traits of his character and running with them.

where is the ricky bowen i love and miss????

and lol, i’ve spoken so much about north high already, but i agree 10000% that it’s just getting out of hand. it’s just so not realistic. the rivalries aren’t like this,,,, someone please make it stop. they north high kids are also just so underdeveloped? the only exception is howie, and we didn’t even know he was a north high kid for half of the show,,,,,, (which, imo, should have been built up much better. kourtney said they never hung out with his friends, but we should have seen that so the mystery was more fulfilling. we should have also gotten hints he was in theatre - maybe kourtney hears him sing beauty and the beast, and she thinks it’s vvv cute, and she asks him he didn’t try out, and howie has to do some mental gymnastics to come up with a decent lie.) 

there’s so much poor or just underdeveloped writing in this season,,,, i’m crying.

even gina (my beloved) is the subject of poor writing because literally what happened between her and ricky? she was so emotionally involved she was about to leave, and then she suddenly decides to stay? and she suddenly just ignores ricky? girl worked through all of that off camera and while it’s not bad per se, it’s just lazy. they just underdeveloped that entire story.

the only one who has really shined this season is ej, and that’s just... really out of left field, but i’m not complaining.

and, i mean, i could talk about my earlier gripes with nini, but i see that they’re making narrative sense, now that the show has progressed a little further. i just wish she had stayed at yac longer, or we had seen more of her, there, so that when she says “she liked who she was [at yac],” we would have more basis for that. and i kinda wish we saw more of her sans boy drama, but i’m sure that’s coming.

and the love triangles,,,,, don’t get me started. rina didn’t have to be angsty or happen at all,,,, they could have just been friends and it would have had the same effect. don’t believe me? they’re friends and they lean on each other, but then nini comes into the picture and ricky just wants to be with nini all the time. he starts to really blow gina off and gina wonders if they were ever friends at all, or if she was just a cardboard cut out that ricky projected nini onto. the angst happens, gina realizes she has friends with carlos, she has that moment with ashlyn that gets fixed, then gina gets close to ej,,,,, literally no difference.

and lol, mr. mazzara. i think he and miss jenn are vvv cute together - definitely my favorite out of the miss jenn romances. i love a good slow burn, so i’m willing to wait for an eternity to have it. i just think they’re neat.

[oceangenasi]

D&P and Merther for the shipping ask game???

Yax I would die for you except you’d probably stop me from dying with your EMT wizardry and then where would we be

🖤 D/P 💙

1. What made you ship it? I have eyes? But seriously, I like to joke about how my ships are either softboys and their badass women or queerbait m/m angst.... and then there’s this shining exception. A canon m/m ship that gets a love story and a happy ending :’’’) I started watching the show very casually, knowing David was queer but not that D/P was endgame and then the next thing I knew I had ascended to another plane of existence

2. What are your favorite things about the ship? I am never not thinking about the Dynamic... it’s the complementary aspects of their personalities for me!

You’ve got David: flamboyantly queer and deeply dramatic, who’s had intense emotions his whole life that have scared people away but he’s also brave and unique and creative and wonderful. He’s everything that Patrick didn’t know he needed. He’s been hurt a lot of times and he almost doesn’t believe that he’s capable of being loved so wholly and completely. Enter Patrick.

Patrick is so straight-laced and repressed and invested in being well-liked that he had built up a whole seemingly perfect life that was making him deeply unhappy. I don’t think that even Patrick knew he was capable of loving David the way he does, because he hadn’t cast off his old life and gone on that emotional journey until he met David. His “you make me feel right” speech is my favorite bit of the entire show. Patrick found himself in finding David.

They balance each other: Patrick grounds David, providing him the unconditional love that David can flourish with, and David brings beauty and color into Patrick’s life.

I also adore how much casual intimacy they get on screen, all the kisses and shoulder touches. It’s incredibly healing to watch after so much queer angst and suffering, when we get representation at all.

3. Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship? Yeah, Patrick’s not perfect. I get very pissy when people trash David for his actions surrounding the barbecue and/or the wedding and imply he was being unfair/selfish -- because even if he was, Patrick has a responsibility to communicate his concerns if he wants David to respond to them. Patrick has a tendency to avoid/repress his feelings and that can be incredibly damaging in a relationship if not addressed. David can’t read Patrick’s mind, nor should he be expected to. He doesn’t need to magically intuit Patrick’s distress from Patrick’s micro-expressions or whatever the fuck -- Patrick needs to step up and tell David when he doesn’t like David’s behavior. Yes, I’m projecting like hell when it comes to this but it is something that made me furious during season 6 and the discourse surrounding it.

------------

💙 Merthur ❤

1. What made you ship it? I watched the first episode and was like “oh wow this show is even gayer than I’d heard it was.” No but seriously... fellas, is it gay to be literally and canonically someone’s other half? Fellas, is it gay to stare intensely into each other’s eyes at every given opportunity? Fellas, it is gay to dedicate your entire life to serving and protecting someone? Fellas, is it--

2. What are your favorite things about the ship? ah jeez where do I even start... Arthur is Merlin’s whole world. Merlin’s magic is “only for Arthur” and Merlin’s magic is... everything he is. I literally don’t know how you could read that as Merlin not being in love with Arthur. I genuinely and honestly think this interpretation is backed up by commentary by the actors and writers: Merlin loves Arthur, and that’s not even a point of debate. I adore Merlin as a character (son boy baby sweetheart sunshine child) and his unwavering faith in Arthur, his dedication, his tenderness, the years spent protecting someone who didn’t even know how much Merlin had done for him.... it gets me good.

And then there’s what Merlin is to Arthur! Setting aside the stuff Arthur doesn’t know about, which I will talk about in a moment, Merlin is possibly the only person in Arthur’s life who has always, always treated him as a person first and a prince second. Merlin’s unwavering faith and freely given friendship are because he sees the best in Arthur, not because of Arthur’s hereditary right to the throne. Merlin is Arthur’s first and truest friend -- I know the knights and Gwen care for him, but there is a component of social discrepancy to their relationship that Merlin simply has ignored. Merlin’s disrespect is because he fundamentally views Arthur as his equal, which is a gift Arthur didn’t even know he needed. Arthur was touch-starved, emotionally repressed, and incredibly lonely before Merlin came into his life. (Yes, the similarities between my two OTPs are well-known to me.) Just because Arthur struggles to express his emotions (thanks, Uther) and doesn’t have the same plot opportunities as Merlin to show how much he’d sacrifice for Merlin, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love Merlin as deeply as Merlin does him. This is why I like writing Arthur POV so much -- I like describing how fundamental and immutable a concept Merlin is to him. He takes Merlin for granted, yes, because there is literally nobody else that he is so vulnerable around or trusts so completely. This is why the magic reveal was so temporarily devastating to Arthur -- it broke something he’d built his entire life around. Or at least, that’s what he thought.

3. Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

Canon is a trash fire and I hate a lot of things about season 5, because it had some stellar opportunities that got rushed and squished by the way they timed the plot.... but I actually really, really like the finale. I think that considering what they’d done with the plot up to that point, it was brilliantly executed and gorgeously acted. There wasn’t enough time to do everything I would have liked with the magic reveal*, but in the last episode they hit every one of my buttons at least once. Arthur witnessing a competent Merlin, Arthur experiencing realistic grief and anger but being able to see how deeply Merlin loves him... Setting aside the plotholes and the timing, the people who made the show realized what was critically important in the finale, and it was digging deep into the relationship between Merlin and Arthur. This is why it completely and totally wrecks me, incidentally, and why I can’t watch the last part of the episode because it actually unhinges me too much. I’m not joking, I went into some kind of grief spiral the first time I saw it that took me a literal week to recover from. I care about things too much and feel my feelings too intensely, but we been knew.

Oh, and an even spicier opinion on later seasons/the finale: I don’t think that Morgana “isn’t really evil” or that her fall was “unnecessary.” I think that Morgana was indeed capable of being a fiercely good and loving person, but I also think that people with the kind of anger she carries can be dragged into some very dark places. I don’t think it was unrealistic, I think it was painful to watch, and there’s a difference. She didn’t get the support she needed -- she was gaslighted, manipulated, and tortured -- and I think that the same person who could be good in another situation is absolutely capable of becoming monstrous, considering the hand she was dealt. I have very similar opinions on her as I do on Anakin Skywalker, which is to say: her evil was both believable and tragic. She was a product of her circumstances, but her actions are not excusable, and she is responsible for how she responded to her trauma.

*I can and will read every damn magic reveal on ao3 because it’s really important to me that Arthur understand what Merlin has done for him. Truly, truly conceptualizes how crucial Merlin has been in helping him build his kingdom. That’s the one thing that I wanted to see so badly that never happened in canon.

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E93 (February 4, 2020)

This week’s guests are Ashley Johnson and Taliesin Jaffe!

Announcement: Thursday, February 27′s episode in Chicago will be an in-canon live episode! VIP tickets go on sale tomorrow at 10 AM Central, and regular tickets will be on sale February 6 at 10 AM Central as well. The World of Critical Role, the new nonfiction book, is available for preorder now! All Work No Play season 2 is upon us: VOD for episode one is available now, up on YouTube on Thursday!

Episode 93: Misery Loves Company (which is SUCH a good title)

Stats for this week’s episode: this is the first episode where Caduceus and Jester have both cast Spirit Guardians in the same battle. Yasha has collected six floral pieces and a scrap of the Laughing Hand’s cloak since we met her. Jester purchased the Dust of Deliciousness from Pumat 62 episodes ago, or 186 Exandrian days. (That’s 22 days longer than Jester has had Sprinkle.)

Reactions to the cupcake moment? Neither of them had any idea Jester had something up her sleeve; they both bought it right up to the end. Taliesin thought the hand offer was just another self-sacrificial one-up, and Ashley knew it was too extreme but was still worried because of Jester’s impulsiveness. Ashley mentions how cool it was that Jester used Modify Memory in such a positive way.

Taliesin was trying to think of something that would be “appropriately sad enough” to offer to appease Matt. “Clay was thinking of offering to never go home again. So still save everything, but just be like, I agree that once it’s up it’s fine.”

Ashley on making a deal to bring Zuala back to life: “I love how everyone assumes I was thinking of Zuala.” Not making the deal was a moment of growth for Yasha, “but I think bringing back--- she’s lost a lot of people, and so I think it’s constantly on her mind, of maybe life wouldn’t be so hard or so bad if I could have some of these people I love back. Where we see some of the growth in Yasha was that she was able to put some of that aside, knowing they were there for Nott.”

Taliesin is asked whether Percy’s yelling in the back of his head during scenes like this: “There was no good way out of this problem, so I didn’t have [Percy] screaming at me that there was an obvious or easy solution.”

Ashley on Yasha’s offer getting rejected because Yasha was already too miserable: “I think, weirdly, there was some comfort in that, of knowing that maybe it couldn’t get any worse. I think it was almost good for her to hear that: you’re the bottom of the barrel right now. I do think she’s slowly finding happiness with her friends and slowly getting comfortable with those relationships again.” She highlights Caleb as “a companion in misery”. She’s growing and becoming more comfortable. “It’s a really good group of people, and they all do genuinely love each other, and I think this past game kind of showed that to her.”

On Nott’s deal, Taliesin: “Ahh, we wouldn’t have let that happen.” Ashley: “I have some thoughts on that.” Taliesin: “Yeah, that’s some RP stuff that may come up later. I do understand and respect how Sam plays Nott, as hyper-volatile, as part of the goblinization of Nott is to make her inappropriately emotionally volatile towards things.” 

There’s a brief foray into the legality of ferrets as pets in the state of California, as you do. Kindergarten Cop and Bunnicula are cited.

Ashley: “I don’t know how invested Yasha is necessarily in this war. Because of how she grew up and was raised, there’s other things to her that are more important.” Taliesin: “Clay thinks Nott needs therapy.”

Cosplay of the Week: an amazing Grog! (DressedUpMegs on Instagram, photo by LMShoots)

On Clay’s reaction to the hag: “He’s not a fan” of someone dealing in the changing of fate. He would have been okay with having to kill her if it came down to it. “It’s not necromancy, but it’s next-door to it.” But he was trying to take his cues from everyone else. “She was fuckin’ scary. Too many elbows.”

Matt told Brian after the session that he would have cliffhangered the fight if it had come to that, since it was likely to be a substantial endeavor. (Matt posted a picture of the map on Twitter!)

It was tough for Yasha to resist the urge to just jump in and attack the hag while they were one-on-one. “I’m not at the point yet to make an executive decision for the whole party, but whew, me, I was ready to kill her the second I walked in. I think Yasha was ready to go, but I think also it showed growth as well that she didn’t do it and walked out the door.”

Caduceus interpreted the “less intensity” statement Matt made when he asked about his family at the menagerie was that not everyone’s there yet. Caduceus was also embarrassed that he had to ask; he saw it as a sign of cowardice and a moment of weakness.

Yasha’s thoughts on Beau’s offer: “Yasha wasn’t about to let that happen after she finally just got back with the group. I was like, yeah, you’re not about to leave once I just got back to you. I didn’t necessarily see it as one-upping each other, but I think all of us were saying, no, I’m not going to let you do that, I’ll do something.”

Marisha tries to sneak out stealthily and Henry barks at her, forcing a cameo!

Marisha: “It makes super sense in Beau’s headspace where she is, and Beau likes controlling situations. Beau’s in a bit of a fucked-up headspace. Parents, man.”

On Jester leaning into the more serious side of the Trickery domain versus the small pranks, Taliesin: “I feel like it’s all a grand scheme, personally.” Ashley: “We don’t fully know what happened in there yet. It’s so hard not to be impressed by it.” Taliesin: “So hard not to be impressed.” They’re both pretty sure there will be consequences that Matt will spring on them in forty or so episodes...

Fan Art of the Week: Jester and the hag! (CaitMayArt on Twitter)

What was it like seeing the Traveler in physical form? Ashley: “Mixed feelings about that, for sure. I think Yasha’s very-- the relationship that Jester has with the Traveler is very intriguing to Yasha because there’s an intimacy and a closeness there that she finds very strange. But also thinks the Traveler is-- something’s up.” Taliesin: “It’s a little weird, man. Little weird.”

Why did Yasha ask Caleb about who he loves? “I think she asked him because she cares about him a lot, and I think they’ve obviously both had this weird connection of recognizing they’ve both been through things that are tough. Tough is obviously putting it lightly. What I’ve noticed in playing the game, and in the RP that seems to pop up, is that-- I don’t mean this to sound, I don’t know. She definitely cares a lot for these people, and about their well-being. And I think there’s something in her that knows how suffering feels, and seeing someone else dealing with it is too hard for her. With Caleb, she really cares about him, and sees he cares about someone, at least how I’ve taken it-- whether or not we mean the same person is interesting, because Liam and I haven’t even talked about this. But I think it’s one of those things where she knows what she’d been through with Zuala. I’m trying to figure out how to dance around this. She said it because she cares about him and wants him to be happy. It came out of care and wanting something good for him.”

Does Cad feel like his plans are getting overridden by the group? “I think ‘plans’ is a bold word. No, he’s not bothered by that. He’s got no particular problem with action or inaction. Percy would dwell on something like that. Clay doesn’t really-- he’s perfectly content to be like, oh, someone else had an idea, okay. He’s perfectly fine if other people have a thing to do, then, yeah, he has no ego about it.”

[countessofbiscuit]

What are your Bobasoka headcanons? I've already gone through all of the (criminally little) fic on ao3 and I especially loved Smothered and Covered, and I saw the majority of the fics in the tag were gifted to you so I'm assuming you're the OG shipper. Feel free to essay if you like!!

Thanks for the ask and kind words about that fic :3 

Oh, Bobasoka … where to begin? It’s a pairing that’s been bumping around in exchange requests for a few years — I figure it’d be easy for anyone invested in Ahsoka’s relationship with the clones to be compelled by the idea. Lledra used to draw Boba and Ahsoka interacting, and it was probably a few panels of their incredible Destinies comic that set my Bobasoka wheels turning. I’m also drawn to them because their journeys traverse so much canon; there’s not just a sandbox to play in, but a whole goddamn stretch of beach, stretching far out into the horizon ...  (#AhsokaLives #BobaSurvived :D)

I have to lead with the proviso that almost everything I write/daydream about/headcanon has a groundsheet of Rexsoka. Ahsoka’s interest in Boba, in my head, is intimately tied up with her attraction to and/or relationship with Rex — or, at the bare minimum, her intimate fellowship with the clones. She went through puberty (maybe with heats!) surrounded by a literal army of handsome, roughly college-aged dudes; that must’ve been a heady mix of heaven and hell. If she didn’t quench her thirst before war’s end and her (eventual) separation from Rex, she’d probably be pretty dehydrated when stumbling across Boba. As for Boba’s attraction to Ahsoka, well ... she’s very pretty, she’s potentially useful, she’s not likely to skewer him in his sleep (+2) on account of being a Jedi (-1), and now she’s the one down on her luck; if he falls in bed with anyone, why not this girl who isn’t afraid of him and stares a lot at his lips?                         

And Boba is like a hot shipping potato — satisfying, hard to fuck up, goes well (read: makes for an intriguing story) with almost everyone. And I think it has everything to do with his liminality, something he shares with Ahsoka and probably recognizes.          

Their neither-this-nor-that-ness overlap in such interesting ways, and they each bring their identity issues to the table — Ahsoka as an on-again, off-again Jedi; Boba as a clone who isn’t a Clone™, a Mandalorian by birth and bearing, but not by the book. At different points in their stories, they identify as different things, and that would affect their headspace and color their view of the other. They wrestle with themselves and each other. Force-user and bounty hunter; privileged topsider and orphaned juvenile delinquent fugitive; GAR commander and outcast clone; Jedi and Mandalorian; Disillusioned veteran and disaffected army brat; Rebellion agent and Imperial contractor.

And as much conflict is baked into these dynamics, it also generates a certain magnetism; and I believe they recognize, on some level, their shared trauma and the symmetry in their experiences. Boba and Ahsoka both have happy childhoods with very little to distress or vex them (beyond the art, I do not jive with Age of Republic: Jango Fett, a Disney-canon comic that not only doubles-down on the Jango-wasn’t-Mando nonsense, but shows him being rather cavalier about Boba’s life); Geonosis happens and their adolescent lives are dominated by war (which is how they came to actively threaten each other as space!secondary-schoolers — whaaaaatf!); they are both dubiously (even wrongfully) imprisoned; and they both suffer alienation and incredible personal loss.  

Boba was set apart from the clones before he was even pulled him from the jar, othered and elevated from the beginning. He never bonded with brothers, he does not identify as a clone. And while there are examples of clones making overtures to him, canonically his relationship with them is fraught and probably made worse when he gets banged up in Republic Central at the tender age of eleven or twelve — and of course, Ahsoka is an accessory to this, the second chapter in his tragedy at the hands of the Jedi. He needed help (whether he wanted it or not), it was not given by clones or Jedi alike (hamstrung by bureaucracy, sure, but surely some other means of intervention might have been lobbied for?), and Boba becomes a right teenage disaster, well-balanced only in the sense that he has a chip on both shoulders.

(n.b. Putting my RepComm hat on for a second, I can’t help but sniffle-laugh at the idea that the Alphas watched him get thrown in a maximum-security slammer and were like “Ah, there he is, the feral vod’ika. First time, we’ll let the little snot earn his stripes. Second time, we’ll bust him out and send him on a tough love retreat with A’den or Jaing.”)

Ahsoka, meanwhile, is part-and-parcel of the institutions that Boba sets himself against, even after she too has been cast out by circumstances beyond her control. She grows up in a supportive Jedi community and then spends some seriously formative years with a whole slew of brothers — brothers that should have been Boba’s! 

Boba, on the other hand, is a great example of the proverb that a child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth. (As he tells Hondo, “Why should I help anybody? I’ve got no one.”) 

The resentment that must create! But also, later, the quiet empathy too — maybe when Boba’s having one of his better days and Ahsoka’s obviously not. 

And all of the above is interesting enough, without also touching upon the wildcard that is Mandalore.

Boba’s relationship with Mandalore .... well, that’s contested in- and out-of-universe and I won’t allow myself to essay overmuch. I subscribe firmly to a Mandalorian Fetts construction of canon, even though Boba must be someone who struggles mightily with Mandalorian identity. He’s raised by a bona fide Mando, a solicitous, loving father who’d have no reason not to pass on his language and beliefs; but at the same time, it takes that village, and when Boba’s clan of two is shattered, he has no one else. The loss of his dad unmoors him from his only anchor to Mandalorian culture and clan.

If Boba had been close to the Cuy’val Dar, one would think he’d have turned to them rather than fall in with Jango’s criminal acquaintances; or maybe the bounty hunters just scooped him up first, and troubled lil’ Boba was shepherded through bereavement by folks who enabled and encouraged him to externalize his anger in a way that gave him a (false) feeling of agency and strength. 

Whatever the reasons, Boba does not repatriate himself to Mandalore (much to Fenn Shysa’s melodramatic dismay). He strikes me as a lapsed Mandalorian; he doesn’t exactly follow the creed besides wearing the armor (scavenged? his dad’s sans helmet? canon is confused on this point, but he doesn’t go Mando until the unfinished arcs at the end of TCW, either for lack of stature, lack of armor, or lack of enthusiasm). I feel like if someone rocked up to Boba in a cantina and had the balls to ask “hey, so you a Mandalorian?” Boba would be like “<ominously slow helmet tilt> who’s asking” and never give you a straight answer.

Meanwhile, Ahsoka gets a crash course on Mandalore from none other than someone who, at one point, belonged to a sect that wanted to expunge Jaster’s legacy from the galaxy — and at the very least, had reason to dislike clones. This isn’t the place to explore my Boba/Bo-Katan feelings, but know that they are fathomless, and I would pay good money to be a fly on the wall of that Kom’rk when Bo-Katan gives Ahsoka Mando History 101 with her own special sauce. Ahsoka is probably more up-to-speed on Mandalore than Boba, and at one point, she may even own more beskar than him! (n.b. After the crash, I think one of the first places Rex and Ahsoka bounce is just inside Mando space, to scope out the Sundari situation and maybe try to scramble a signal to Bo-Katan; she’d have the goodwill to at least get them back on their feet if she can’t help them lay low herself. For a variety of reasons worth maybe ficcing down the line, they aren’t successful.)

I don’t really have a concluding statement except, I just think Bobasoka’s neat :) They hit all my depressed-Millennial buttons.

Headcanon by bullet-point isn’t really my style, but this is tumblr so ... tl;dr:

They recognize a lot in each other, even if they’re slow to admit it, if ever. Boba’s a cagey bastard and Ahsoka doesn’t ever like him enough to be emotionally honest.

They bump into each other during Ahsoka’s walkabout(s) ‘cause Coruscant’s Underworld ain’t big enough for the two of them. Without Slave-1, Boba couchsurfs at Nyx Okami’s garage, but he does his laundry at Rafa’s. He might even borrow the Martez’s new, useful friend for a job or two. 

Ahsoka eventually matures enough to be sensitive about her use of the Force on and around clones, and she definitely doesn’t use it around Boba. Definitely not during sex.

Boba is privately weirded out every time Ahsoka uses Mando slang she picked up off the clones or the Nite Owls.

Boba absolutely kills Cad Bane in that shoot-out, keeps the hat, and lets Ahsoka have it. She shoves it out the airlock and uses it for target practice. 

So many great smut flavours! Hatesex. Acquaintances with benefits. “You’re traumatized and touch-starved and you look just like him/them, and I know how to be gentle and what to do, so maybe we could … ?” They’re both privately comfortable with their bodies and sexuality, but Boba’s got trust issues a parsec long and Ahsoka’s lost confidence; it’s always an awkward affair, but desperation wins out.

They exchange comm codes every time they run into each other, which is kind of pointless because they both use burners.

Ahsoka hitches a ride on Slave-1 more than once. There really is only one bed, so it’s either sleep upright, sleep in a pokey prisoner hold, or sleep with him.

For a few years, Boba can pass as a last-generation clone — the ones that got sold off in bulk units to slavers before Kamino sunk another three years’ food, board, and training into them. Boba pretends he doesn’t notice, easy to really, since he tells himself his helmet is his face. But occasionally, when Ahsoka can convince him there’s profit in it, he agrees to play sleeper agent and assists in liberating a few here and there. 

They don’t talk about Aurra Sing.

When an Imp really crosses him, Boba passes on intel to Ahsoka to ruin their day.

Once, when they’re both super skint, Ahsoka volunteers to get handed in to some relatively minor and out-of-the-way Imperial garrison, so Boba can collect, bust her out, and split the pot with her. It’s the closest she ever comes to telling him “I trust you” — and when he brushes the idea aside, citing something about risk, it’s the closest he ever comes to telling her “I love you.”

Boba sees Inquisitors as muscling in on his game. There are so many lousy Force-users around nowadays, it should be easy pickings, but Inquisitors get privileged information. So he makes sport out of misdirecting them, especially from Ahsoka. 

When he pisses her off, Ahsoka fantasizes about Bo-Katan taking Boba down a peg or two while she watches :)))

Boba experienced Ahsoka’s heat once, secondhand through a cabin wall. He thought he was being clever by shooting Rex up with some Nevoota stim pollen, locking him in with Ahsoka, and hijacking their locked ships. Longest three days of his life, limping on broken hyperdrives and shared fuel stores to the nearest waystation to a soundtrack of violent lovemaking : \

Bounty hunters invariably bump into spies and agents because they work in the same areas. The agents pretend to be bounty hunters, eccentric business people, sex workers, or a range of other things. Sometimes each party knows all about the other, but it’s only polite not to mention it. This happens to Ahsoka and Boba A LOT, especially once she becomes Fulcrum; rebel cells and Imperials often want the same people. Occasionally they exchange fire. A couple times Boba gets imprisoned in Ahsoka’s own brig. Once, Boba blows her cover and definitely lives to regret it. 

(this essay was originally punctuated with pics, but replies with images won’t show up tumblr tags so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) 

[tren-fraszka]

Fandom5k 2021 Letter

Dear creator,

Thank you for taking your time to check my requests. I know my requests can sound a bit tricky, but please don’t be discouraged. I wish you will have good time writing first and foremost!

My AO3 is Tren, if you wish to check it out.

Likes: comedy, casefics, canon compliants, AUs, time loops, bodyswaps, roleswaps, “being hoisted by your own petard” plotlines, snark, pettiness, rivals, enemies to friends to lovers, violence, friendships, and character bonding,

DNW: explicit sex (makeouts and fade to black is okay), A/B/O, mpreg, rape depicted as positive (so no “it’s okay, because the other person enjoyed it/it was what they truly wanted”), trans headcanons, soulmate AUs, stories ending with surrender to fate/destiny, fourth wall breaking in canons where that doesn’t occur, character has cancer or other real-life terminal disease AU, word “queerplatonic”.

Also, I included what ships I’m okay with in each fandom. Please do not include any ships that aren’t canon and I have not allowed in those sections (if you feel really strongly about a ship I haven’t mentioned, you can always ask through mods just in case). 

On a separate, but similar note, I’m okay with OCs as long as they don’t overshadow the characters I requested. 

Additionally, while I almost never request fanart as possible medium, because I prefer my main gift to be fic, I would be very okay with receiving fanart treats. Also, feel free to peruse my old letters if you get your hands on them. I never stop being interested in fandoms, and if I requested something once I will still want it in the future.

                                            REQUESTS

MARIMASHITA! IRUMA-KUN

I read new manga chapters as they get translated so feel free to incorporate anything from the manga that’s available in English. 

Kirio Amy/Suzuki Iruma

There are many good ships with Iruma, but this one just has a lot things I like. I love enemy ships with both sides being way too emotionally invested into each other so this was inevitable. I love how this relationship starts as this really wholesome friendship and school festival preparation, except Kirio turns out to be a bit messed up and wants to blow up everyone. But then they both accept the outcome and go on with their lives still thinking about each other. Iruma goes through a lot of trouble to keep the club operating even though Kirio has been pretty much expelled. And then Kirio is now obsessed with Iruma as his anthitesis and perfect enemy.

I’m okay with the potential story happening at any point in the canon. I would love both a story set before the festival while Kirio is still hiding his true colors or a story set after it. Maybe Iruma runs into Kirio somewhere after he escapes prison and instead of calling an adult, he tries to stop Kirio from causing trouble on his own. As for pre-festival story. Maybe some upperclassmen steal important parts from the club and Iruma and Kirio set out to get them back.

Naberius Callego & Suzuki Iruma

I love Callego for being a much better take on Snape than original Snape ever was. The second the series made Callego Iruma’s familiar I knew this was about to get good. And it was. I love how Callego slowly warms up to Iruma, even if he is still allergic to his and Sullivan’s antics. I love that Callego is actually a competent teacher who cares about his students, but at the same time he would rather eat a whole lemon than admit it out loud.

For prompts, maybe Sullivan ends up having an important business and Opera isn’t available so he dumps looking after Iruma on Callego for a few days. Or Iruma is struggling with studying since so many things are new for him, so Callego ends up forced to help him catch up with the material (if you are following manga inclusion of Balam is always welcome). Or maybe Iruma gets into usual trouble ends up stranded somewhere and the only one he can call for help is his familiar.

Crocell Kerori | Kuromu/Gyari

One of the last thing I expected to get this year was a canonical yuri romance in this manga, but here it is and it’s perfect. I love how it is pretty much built on mutual pining. I love how Kuromu loves Gyari, but refuses to reciprocate her feelings, because she knows that she needs to remain unattainable to keep their relationship alive, and I love how Gyari is never ever going to give up.

I would love to see more of the time when they worked together. We know it was love at the first sight for Gyari, but I would love to see how Kuromu’s feelings grew. Those hours they spent together practicing, maybe a not-date where they sneak together to scout a venue where they will be having their first big concert, or maybe a small contest that would sow the seeds for their future rivalry. I would love any and all of it. Also, Gyari doesn’t seem to be aware of Kuromu’s civilian identity, so I would love a story where Gyari meets Crocell Kerori rather than Kuromu. Does she recognize her? Or does Kerori manage to successfully trick her? Maybe Gyari makes a full investigation after hearing rumors that Kuromu is attending Babylys. I would also love any sort of future fic for those two.

AUs and ships

I love the worldbuilding around the demon world, so I would ask that if you decided to write an AU that it still incorporates demons. I would definitely love an AU where rather than getting summoned to demon world, Iruma accidentally summons either Kirio or Callego into the human world. Maybe Iruma’s parents try to use him as an offering, but instead he ends up bound to a demon. I would love to see Kirio excited to unleash suffering (even if his weak powers severely limit him in that regard) onto human world just to discover that he made contract with the biggest pacifist possible. Or Callego being torn between wanting to return home as soon as possible (he has classes to teach!) and wanting to somehow help the weird human child that just keeps getting into trouble. Any other demon-focused AU is also welcome. For Gyari and Kurmou, maybe one of them is a human who ends up summoning the other as a demon. How different would their relationship be then? I’m also fine with any sort of AU divergences scenario. Maybe Iruma keeps accidentally sabbotaging Kirio’s terrorist plans without realizing it. Or Iruma ends up summoning Callego more often as his familiar when he gets into trouble. What if Gyari also attended Babylys.

As for ships, I’d rather avoid any love triangle scenarios for this canon, so please focus on just one pairing per character (competing for Iruma’s attention is normal for this canon, I’d just rather not see outright romantic competition). It’s self-explainatory for Kirio request, but if you want to include some shipping elements into the other requests I also ship Iruma/Amelie and Callego/Balam.

RE:ZERO

I watched the two season of anime, as well as the two OVA. Please don’t include any spoilers for events that haven’t been yet adapted. I’m fine with mentions of stuff from the light novel that adaptation has skipped, just please make sure to establish them properly, as I haven’t read the light novel.

Natsuki Subaru/Otto Suwen Natsuki Subaru & Felix Argyle & Julius Euclius & Reinhard van Astrea Roswaal L. Mathers (Re:Zero)

Echidna the Witch (Re:Zero)

Feel free to mix and match my requests (or cut off parts of the requests and stitch them together). Or include any other characters, I love all of them.

Natsuki Subaru/Otto Suwen

I came out of second season with a burning desire to see Otto and Subaru getting together. Otto was the MVP of the second season. Like sure, Emilia killed it in the last few episodes, but none of it would happen if Otto didn’t slap Subaru in the face when he needed it the most. Subaru even commented that Otto was like a heroine in a game at one point. They just care so much about each other and I would love to see them actually get together.

I would love to see them going on an undercover mission. Maybe they are trying to gather the information about witch cultists. Maybe they need to pretend to be a couple for the sake of their investigation. Or Emilia sends the two of them on a fake mission that actually consists of them visiting places of relaxation to make sure Subaru finally gets a break. And Otto’s mission is to make sure that Subaru actually rests and doesn’t get in trouble, but this proves to be a much more difficult undertaking that he expected. 

After first season I had a working theory that Otto is actually a sin archbishop who is pretending to be a normal person for some unknown reasons (or maybe has a split personality). Season two pretty much disproved it, but I still adore that idea and would love anything with it.

Natsuki Subaru & Felix Argyle & Julius Euclius & Reinhard van Astrea

I immediately loved the queen candidates’ knights and the relationships between them. I would greatly enjoy seeing them work together. Maybe someone is plotting to harm queen candidates and they join forces to bring them down. Or maybe the queen candidates are busy with some bureaucracy and the bored knights decide to spend a night at town, which ends with all sorts of shenanigans. Maybe Subaru and Julius decide to have some sort of competiton that hilariously goes out of control. Or Reinhardt and Subaru rope everyone into helping some poor grandma, but her straightforward request ends up becoming much more difficult to execute than anyone predicted. Also, at the end of second season Subaru officially became Emilia’s knight and I would love to see other knights throwing an unofficial party for Subaru to celebrate this achievement. Or maybe their planned celebration doesn’t go as planned and Subaru ends up accussed of a crime he didn’t commit. Luckily, there are three very handsome and equally capable knights who believe in him and are willing to help him clear his name.

Feel free to also include Aldebaran into the group if you want. He had very little screen time in anime, so I didn’t want to make this request more difficult than it already is, but if you want to write him too I would be very happy with his inclusion.

Roswaal L. Mathers (Re:Zero)

Roswaal was incredible in the second season. I loved the parallels between him and Subaru! I loved his unrequited crush on Echidna! I loved Ram’s unrequited crush on him and how her actions ended up affecting him! I loved how Emilia made him apologize! He just had so many great interactions. I would just love to see more of Roswaal.

We know that Roswaal attempted to undertake the trial, but was rejected. What if by some quirk of fate Roswaal could undertake the trial. How would it go? Would he be able to accept the past? I would also love a deeper insight into his thought process during the Sanctuary arc, but also earlier arcs. How did he feel about Subaru and other characters? What happened to him after the Subaru failed? (we don’t know if Subaru dying creates new timelines or if there’s one that gets reset, while this prompt leans on former, I’m fine with both interpretations) I would also love to see if maybe Ram had attempted to destroy Roswaal’s book or shown her feelings for him before. On a different note, I would love Roswaal being a bit too interested in Otto (after he had changed the fate written in the book) and trying to figure out how he had achieved that. Honestly, I would love to see Roswaal interact with anyone. You could write him and Reinhard meeting in a bakery and I would love it.

Echidna the Witch (Re:Zero)

Echidna is best witch (at least until anime shows more of Sekhmet who I can already tell is my spirit animal witch). I loved Echidna’s character, the aura of mystery she built around herself, and her plans involving Subaru. She was just incredible.

I would absolutely love to see Echidna holding trials for other characters. It doesn’t matter who. Maybe Garfiel ends up completing all of them. Or maybe by some twist of fate Otto gains qualification and takes up the trials. Or Ram, or really anybody else. I just loved how personalized the trials were and would love to see them for other characters and what Echidna would think of them. I would also love to see more of her interactions with Subaru. Maybe Subaru makes deal with her, but belatedly realizes it was a bad idea and tries to find a way to break it. I would be also very okay with seeing more of her interactions with other witches. Or Emilia. I will gladly take 5k words of Echidna being completely done with Emilia’s positivity. Maybe Echidna finds a way to escape her deadness, but she needs to enter a contract with Emilia and now she is her familiar like Puck was.

AUs and ships

I would prefer no setting changes for this story. Any other AUs are fine. I especially love Subaru’s reset mechanic, so feel free to abuse that if you want. If you want some AU ideas, maybe another character starts remembering bits and pieces of the reseted timelines.

I like Subaru/Emilia, but the show is doing such a good job with it that I’m not craving more. As such I’m okay with acknowledging Subaru’s canon crush on Emilia, but if you are planning to do any other pairing involving Subaru I would prefer to reframe Subaru’s feelings for her as friendship. I’m okay with pairing Subaru with pretty much any other guy in the series (especially other queen candidate knights) or leaving who he will end up with ambiguous.

SOUSOU NO FRIEREN

I read new manga chapters as they get translated so feel free to incorporate anything from the manga that’s available in English.

Frieren

I love how this manga is a slow-paced fantasy dealing with loss and inevitable passage of time. And I love Frieren for being one of the best depictions of an elf whose long life actually affects their outlook on life and actions.

I would equally love the insight into Frieren’s present with her charges and the past with hero party. What other shenanigans they get into on their journey? What kind of weird magic Frieren pursued? I would love to see more of her mentoring Fern and Stark. I also love to see her interactions with the hero party. Maybe some more insight into how they fought with demons, since Frieren seemed to have picked up a number of enemies during that time. For some more specific prompts: maybe Frieren accidentally stumbles ona cursed item that erases her memories (or just her memories of Himmel). How would it affect her? What would the party do to help her? Or maybe a demon kidnaps someone from Frieren’s party?

Feel free to include any other characters, they are a colorful bunch. 

AUs and ships

I’m fine with AUs as long as Frieren’s long lifespan is preserved. Her perspective is very much shaped by how long she has lived, so I wouldn’t want that aspect to change. An AU with mythological creatures or similar could be interesting. I would also love a roleswap where Himmel is an elf, while Frieren is a human, and exploration of how both of them would be affected by having a different lifespan.

I would very much love Himmel/Frieren, though I also enjoy how the manga softly builds on their connection. I also enjoy the budding romance between Fern and Stark.

HATARAKU MAOU-SAMA!

While I made this request mostly with anime in mind, I also consumed the original novels up to (and including) volume six. So feel free to include anything from the novels up until that point if you want, but nothing beyond that.

Maou Sadao/Ashiya Shirou

If Demon Lord’s right hand man/strategist turned into a househusband isn’t one of the most shippy ideas then I don’t know what is. Fics are just writing themselves. I just love seeing utter domesticity and loyalty Sadao and Ashiya have (and trouble they have with their prodigal not-son Urushihara).

I would love to get some insight into their relationship before they had to escape into another world. Maybe Ashiya realizes he is actually happy with the current arrangement and feels shame over indulging himself, while his lord is working hard to earn money and regain their powers. For some more specific prompts, maybe instead of becoming househusband he ends up working in MgRonald’s alongside Sadao. Or maybe while he’s doing shopping he ends up winning a lottery organized by some local shops and receives tickets for an onsen visit for two, so he and Sadao go to have a much deserved break. Or alternatively a story where they don’t get a break and need to face some new enemy.

Maou Sadao/Sasaki Chiho

I love Chiho Sasaki. She’s one of my favourite renditions of a normal person accidentally becomes entangled into a supernatural plot I’ve seen. And amidst it all, I love how she keeps supporting Sadao, even after learning that her MgRonald’s senpai is in fact a demon lord from another world.

I would love to see more of them working together in MgRonald’s. Maybe a precanon story where Chiho is still learning her ropes at MgRonald’s, while Sadao is still not completely used to passing as a human, so he keeps accidentally mentioning things about his demonic past and then has to quickly amend them into something more human. Or maybe a “tragic” story of Chiho who instead of applying to MgRonald’s goes to Sentucky Fired Chicken (I don’t mind changing it so SFC opens earlier than in the canon). Even though Sadao works for the rival store Chiho still falls for him and his impeccable work ethic and so she keeps counting days until her contract ends so she can apply to MgRonald’s instead (bonus points if the Sariel’s plotline happens during that time and Chiho gets increasingly distreased that Sadao will hate her even if she successfully moves to MgRonald’s). Alternatively they both go on some sort of training or charity action for MgRonald’s employees. Or maybe a more fantastical adventure where a new threat appears, so Sadao and Chiho work together to neutralize it.

AUs and ships

I would prefer no setting changes for this story, because this shows premise is just way too good. I’m fine with any other AUs. One slight exception (since it’s a bit of borderline case between a setting and divergence AU) would be that I would love to see Sadao and Chiho working at a coffee shop chain instead of MgRonald's.

Please only focus on one pairing requested when writing. I’d rather not have a triangle situation and see either Ashiya or Chiho rejected (requested character feeling slight jealousy over Sadao getting along with someone else is fine, I just don’t want a full on rivalry). I’d also rather not see Sadao paired with anyone beside the requested characters.

[epiphany-of-a-madwoman]

The Unexpected Perks of War | Daenerys Targaryen x Fem!OC

Part 2

Summary: Allys Baratheon is the only trueborn daughter of Robert Baratheon and Cersei Lannister. After the explosion of The Sept of Balor and the death of Tommen, Allys grew tired of the ghosts that hung in Kings Landing and set off to Dragonstone, hoping to find a semblance of safety.

Note: Masterlist for this series here🤍

A loud knock on her door is the first thing Allys hears upon waking up. Sitting up, her dark hair, tangled and matted from tossing and turning all night, obscures her vision. She breathes in a deep breath and pushes away the hairs. Tangles get caught in her fingers, causing a few strands to get pulled from her scalp. Cringing at the pain, Allys simply tucks her hair behind her ears, careful to not pull on any of the knots and wipes the sleep away from her eyes.

“Come in,” she calls out, her voice croaky and uneven from lack of use. The door clicks as the person on the other side pushes on the handle. The wood creaks as the heavy door swings open, revealing a bright-eyed Missandei. Her attire is similar to what she’d been wearing when Allys first came to Dragonstone and her hair is styled the same, but somehow she brings a sort of...freshness to it. Allys has never seen Missandei look dull and lifeless, no matter the color palette of her attire due to the soft smile and beaming eyes she pairs with it.

And it didn’t take Allys long to figure out why.

In her time in the East, Daenerys went from city to city, using her dragons and an army that quickly grew each day to liberate the people of Astapor, Yuanki, and finally Mereen. Missandei had been in Astapor, as a slave translator to some master there. When Daenerys came to purchase the Unsullied she took Missandei as well… and then proceeded to kill all the masters and free the people. So it is no surprise that she and Daenerys are like sisters, something that makes Allys subconsciously smile, but also bringing a ping of sadness, reminding her of her own sister. Myrcella had been kind and good and so unlike their mother, and the world chewed her up and spat her out, as it does with all genuinely good people.

It had been a bitter pill to swallow when Allys’ uncle told her that the woman who poisoned Marcella, Ellaria Sand, was an ally of Daenerys. One she invited to Dragonstone to form an alliance with. It had felt like poorly made ale pouring down her throat whenever she wandered through the large castle and happened upon one of her daughters or Ellaria herself. Her fist clenching and unclenching at her side in anger, but without the power to do anything. So she was forced to let it go. And eventually, karma caught up to her when she was captured by Euron Greyjoy and dragged to King’s Landing. Allys isn’t sure what happened next, but she knows her mother did something horrible to the woman. But Allys couldn’t bring herself to feel saddened by her death. For once, her mother’s viciousness played in her favor.

“Good morning, My Lady,” Missandei said, beaming at Allys as she glides across the room towards her windows. Her heeled boots clack against the stone floor, the only proof that her feet were making contact with the ground. A stray curl rests on her forehead, bouncing with each movement. Upon reaching the windows, she throws aside the thick curtains that once blocked out the early morning sun rays. A flock of birds flies into view as they soar through the sky, unbothered by the storm that’s been brewing since Daenerys got her dragons. Missandei begins to move the curtains to their respective sides and ties them into a knot, forcing them to stay put.

“Good morning, Missandei,” Allys replies, her voice still shaky and groggy sounding. Finished with the curtains, Missandei turns to face Allys with her fingers intertwined as they rest in front of her body.

“I’m here to help you dress this morning,” Missandei said as if this was a normal thing.

It wasn’t.

“Don’t you help Daen - I mean, The Queen?” Allys asks, stumbling on her words when Daenerys was mentioned. And Allys cursed herself and her ancestors as the heat began to rise on her cheeks. A part of her hoped that the fascination she felt towards the Dragon Queen would fade with time, not wanting to become emotionally invested in someone who may die. But instead of dimming, as time went on and days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months; all the while, Allys’ affection for Daenerys only grew. And while a part of her was convinced Daenerys felt the same, she couldn’t bring herself to do anything.

It was irrational really, considering the kiss they’d shared the first night Allys came to Dragonstone.  Daenerys was warm and welcoming, often spending hours upon hours of her free time roaming Dragonstone and its surrounding island with Allys. They spoke about anything that came to mind; from the color of the sky that day to childhood trauma hidden behind porcelain masks and a gaze as hard as stone. Allys told Daenerys things she’d never dreamed of telling. And Daenerys returned the favor, whispering of the times with her brother Viserys - when she was a soft flower and nothing like the dragon breathing fire she is now. Yet still, Daenerys made no further moves, so like a coward, Allys shied away from her feelings, unable to open herself up to hurt if Daenerys had changed her mind.

“The Queen is away with Drogon and the Dothraki,” Missandei answers, throwing Allys a knowing look with a twinkle in her eyes. This only furthers Allys’ blush, turning her face Lannister red.

“Right, how could I forget,” Allys answers, eyes darting around the room, unable to meet Missandei’s gaze.

‘She knows. Of course, she knows, how could she not.’

“If you would prefer I can leave?” Missandei proposes, slightly quirking an eyebrow, but otherwise maintaining an even expression. Most time Allys couldn’t beleive that Missandei had endured all she did, being dragged away from her home as a young child and forced into slavery, serving vicous men who enjoy the suffering of those beneath them. She was so light and bright, bringing a warmth akin to the burning sun in the South. But there were times her past slipped into her actions. It was there in the way Missandei could quickly change her expression, schooling her facial expressions to reveal nothing.

“Oh no! That’s not - I just - I and - you usually - ” Allys stumbles over her words like a fish out of water. It seemed every time she opened her mouth, something ridiculous would come out. And not for the first time, Allys wishes she paid better attention to the lessons her Septa attempted to instill in her. The soft laughter coming from Missandei pulls Allys from her jumbled mind. One of her hands covers her mouth in an attempt to conceal the smile tugging at her lips. “Right, I um would love your help this morning. If you don’t mind, that is,” Allys manages to answer.

“Then I shall pick out a dress for you, My Lady,” Missandei replies, not missing a beat as she moves towards the wardrobe that now holds various outfits for any possible occasion. Gifts from her new host. It didn’t escape Allys’ notice that most were in black and red - the colors of House Targaryen.

“Missandei,” Allys said, watching as she opens the wardrobe and begins moving around the dresses.

“Yes?” she answers, not moving her gaze from her current task.

“Do you think you could braid my hair? I’d do it myself, but my hands are so shaky it never looks good. AndtheQueen’shairalwayslookssonice,” Allys said, saying the last sentence in one breath, her anxiety growing with each word.

Missandei watches Allys with an unreadable expression, causing Allys to immediately clam up. And before she can frantically spit out an apology and attempt to hide in her blankets, a beaming smile forms on her face and she gives a single head nod.

“Of course, My Lady.”

_______________________

“My niece you are practically glowing!” Tyrion Lannister calls from across the room, closing the distance between them. She begins giggling softly, unable to control the noises as they echo in the entrance of the castle, the tall ceiling carrying to sounds through the hall. Her footsteps click all around them as Allys lifts her dress slightly and runs towards Tyrion. As they meet Allys bends down slightly and embraces him in a hug with a contented sigh. It’s warm and comforting as she wraps her arms around her uncle, basking in the familiarity of his presence. After a moment he pulls away, taking in her full appearance.

“Thank you, Uncle,” Allys says, managing to stifle her laughter. She brushes her hands down the sides of her dress, feeling the small embroidered flowers dance up her dress. It was pale pink with delicate white details. The design and colors are similar to something she’d wear in King’s Landing, though this dress is thicker than the light airy dresses she used to wear. “Missandei helped me this morning.”

“I could tell from the braids,” he points out, smirking slightly as he notices the braid style is similar to Daenerys’ hair. “You’ve always been hopeless when it comes to those things,” he teases, referencing all of Allys’ failed attempts at needlepoint. What was intended to be a flower, looked like a blob in pretty colors. And don’t even bring up the lion she attempted for Tyrion’s nameday. Instead of a proud lion in red and gold, it looked like a half-dead lion someone cut open. Allys would like to use her age of nine as a defense, but the point would be moot, considering her needlepoint never progressed past that age.

“I make up for my unsteady hands by being a master at chess,” she teases back, reminding him of the countless times she beat her uncle at chess. She used to play every waking hour, almost entranced by the game, attentively watching the tactics of each opponent. She’d play anyone willing: her Uncle Tyrion, Uncle Jaime, her brothers, at one point she’d even played Ned Stark. Yet the only person more insistent to play than her was Joffery, but for all the wrong reasons. One day they played and she crushed him. Joffrey, unable to let his pride be wounded by his sister - seeing himself as superior to her for the simple fact that he was a man and she was a girl - played her every single day. But with each loss, he grew violent and would throw the chess set on the ground, his face red with anger. After he broke the fifth set, Allys settled on only playing Tyrion, preening at the praise he offered after each victory.

“Something you never allow anyone to forget,” Tyrion said. A soft smile on his face as they both reminisce about simpler and much happier times.

“How was it?” Allys asks, referencing the battle her uncle had just returned from. Daenerys, along with Drogon and the Dothraki attacked the Lannister and Tarly army while they were on the road to King’s Landing after taking Highgarden.

“It was -” he begins, but trails off, unable to find the words.

“War?” Allys butts in.

“Yes, it was war,” Tyrion replies as he nods his head. A deep sigh escapes his mouth, his expression downcast. Allys feels the urge to change the subject, pretend people aren’t dying, and live in a world where everyone’s happy, but something grips her tightly, not allowing the words to leave her mouth. Not those words at least.

“And Uncle Jaime?” she asks, her mouth moving before her brain. Another sigh from Tyrion and this time, he rubs across his face with his hand.

“Not dead… I think,” he replies, his voice muffled by his arm.

“You think?” Allys questions. While the more distant of her two uncles, Allys still greatly cared for her Uncle Jaime. She understood his facade was a means to block away the pain; a way to be unbothered by the venom lacing the tongues of the people who whispered about him, their words like a whip lashing him. He covered his pain with arrogance and bravado, but Allys would see his facade slipping through the cracks in the quiet moments. When the harsh words of the court were absent and her father wasn’t being belligerent. Jaime Lannister was softer than he’d ever admit. Even if he and her mother did questionable things, their bond just a touch closer than normal, he’s family. One of the few remaining on the list that grows shorter each day that passes.

“I didn’t see him die… I also didn’t see him after the battle,” Tyrion explains, moving his hand from his face.

“So an ambiguous ending… I’ll take it,” Allys said. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m dying to get out of this dark castle and feel the sun,” Allys said, moving towards the exit.

“Of course,” Tyrion said, stepping away from her. “And Allys,” he calls out, stopping her in her tracks. She turns to face him, a bright smile once again upon her face.

“I’m glad you’re here,” he said. And with a single nod and her smile getting even wider, Allys opens the door and steps out of the castle.

___________________

The sun while bright and inviting is far more deceiving than it had been in King’s Landing. While Allys assumed with the sun out, the air would be warm, the biting wind that whipped around her meant differently. But not even stray hairs smacking into her face and getting stuck in her mouth could stop the dopey grin on her face nor the warm fuzzy feeling slowly building into something more.

Standing exactly 20 paces from Allys was Daenerys, looking as regal as ever. Her silver hair was pulled back into an intricate style, suited for a queen riding into battle on a dragon. Her pale skin glowed in the soft sunlight, reminiscent of opal. Her clothes are dark in color, with a stark red cloak hanging off her shoulder. The cloak was held in place by a three headed dragon clasp, the silver shining in the sun and nearly blinding anyone who dared look at Daenerys. The dragons fly high above, but never get too far from her. And not for the first time, Daenerys seemed more like the Fire Goddess the Dothraki revered her as than the human girl Allys knows her to be.

The only damper to her mood was Jon Snow standing two paces from Daenerys, a touch closer than Allys ever dared get - in fear that Daenerys would hear her pounding heart. The newly named King of the North originally came here for an alliance, but upon refusing to bend the knee, he hasn’t left yet. By choice or by force, Allys isn’t sure. Either way, he’s always there, with his puppy eyes and brooding stare, constantly in Daenerys’ presence. And while Allys never felt any particular emotion towards him, an unreasonable disdain bubbles inside her whenever she sees him. And yet even with this perceived threat, Allys found herself too cowardly to say a word to Daenerys.

Daenerys’ purple eyes move from Jon, panning across the landscape until they land on Allys. Her eyes widen a fraction, her blank expression melting away as her lips curl into a sweet smile. Allys’ heart beats erratically at the small gesture, her lips turning upward to mirror Daenerys’ expression. With mumbled words to Jon, not even bothering to look at him, Daenerys moves towards Allys. Her pace is quick, crossing their distance in 10 strides as opposed to 20. And before Allys can speak or even think, Daenerys throws her arms around Allys. Her embrace is welcomed, her warm body fighting away the chilling air surrounding them. On instinct, Allys snakes her arms around Daenerys as she soaks in their closeness. Her heartbeat is loud and more frantic to the point Allys fears it might stop.

But she’ll take the risk just to spend another moment in Daenerys’ arms.

And for a split second, she is convinced that Daenerys' heart is pounding as loud as hers, but quickly dismisses that notion. Instead, determining it was simply her own echoing in her ears.

Daenerys is the first to pull away but stays a pace away from Allys. And with an alarming revelation, Allys realizes this is the closest they’ve ever been. Her cheeks heat up again, as bright as they were earlier in the morning. Allys just prayed to any god that would listen that it could be passed off as a result of the cold. Either way, Daenerys doesn’t bring it up and for that, Allys is grateful.

“I missed you,” Allys said, the words tumbling from her mouth before she could stop them. Daenerys’ smile raises a fraction, bringing a hand up to Allys’s face. With bated breath, Allys watches out of the corner of her eye as her hand comes near Allys’ cheek. She lightly caresses it, her touch so light it could be mistaken for the wind, before tucking a few stray hairs behind Allys’ ear.  

“I missed you as well,” Daenerys said, her voice so soft it was concealed by the wind, only to be heard by Allys. “Your presence would’ve been a welcomed changed to an otherwise dull event.” Her hand trails from Allys’ face down her cheeks before faintly resting on her jaw.

“I never knew a battle to be a dull event,” Allys said, managing to keep her tone semi-steady even though inwardly she was bursting with each touch.

“I’ve found in the recent months any affair is dull when you are missing,” Daenerys replies. Her purple eyes watching Allys, soaking in every reaction on her face. Allys’ flush gets deeper and the warmth spreads to the entirety of her face. And suddenly she found it incredibly difficult to breathe. Yet the feeling wasn’t unwelcomed, as butterflies flutter in her stomach and her breathing wavers in anticipation. The anticipation of what? Allys isn’t sure.

“That’s a relief. Wouldn’t want to be on the bad side of the woman with three dragons,” Allys manages to choke out, hoping to play off the excitement building in her.

“No I suppose not,” Daenerys replies, not fully paying attention to the conversation as she continues watching Allys, and Allys makes no moves to stop her. ���Your hair is different,” Daenerys points out. Her hands move from Allys’ jaw to her neatly braided hair, playing with the strands with her fingers, gently pulling on it.

“Missandei did it for me. I’m hopeless with my hands,” Allys said, finding herself once again entrance by Daenerys.

“It’s beautiful,” Daenerys said unconsciously, twirling the strands around her fingers.

And for a moment, Allys loses all sense of time. Blue eyes meet purple, both entranced by the other. Goosebumps cover Allys’ body as the hairs on the back of her neck raise, but not necessarily in a bad way. The anticipation within her builds, but doesn’t go anywhere even as it grows larger and larger. The whistling of the wind goes in one ear and out the other as Allys basks in the close proximity of Daenerys, memorizing her scent and the small freckles covering her cheeks. A mixture of lavender and rose with a hint of ash, three scent she will never be able to smell without remembering this exact moment, despite it seeming so miniscule. But any moment with Daenerys is noteworthy, something to diligently take note of and hold onto forever.

Then suddenly Allys is snapped back into reality. Daenerys drops her hand and steps back from her.

“I have to leave, but would you mind meeting me here tonight?” Daenerys asked, her eyes boring into Allys’ once again.

“Of course,” she answers without hesitation.

“Until tonight then” Daenerys said, Allys watching as she walked away completely unaware of Jon Snow as he passes or the Dothraki lingering near.

[t4tlawlight]

Parentification of a child happens when the parent and child roles are reversed. This can take the form of instrumental parentification, where the child performs physical tasks that should be the parent’s responsibility. This can be things like paying bills, performing chores that are not age appropriate/undertaking all the chores in the household, or being the primary caregiver for younger siblings. These responsibilities mean there is no time to be a child or have any aspirations. Many children who are the victim of instrumental parentification are deprived of opportunities to have a better life, such as education.

-- “I Was a Parentified Daughter”

in the beginning, drama light is exactly the same as manga light. we see him as a young boy, brilliant, planning on becoming a member of the NPA just like his father.

[photo 1: a dimly lit screenshot of light yagami as a child talking into a yellow toy walkie-talkie. his dark hair is a bit past his ears. he is wearing a red, white and blue plaid shirt. light is saying, "I caught sight of the culprit!" photo 2: soichiro yagami is crouching on the stairs. the lighting is shining from behind him, and we can see his face through slots in the railing. he is also talking into a walkie-talkie, saying "Got it, Light. Storm the place."]

[photo 3: soichiro again talking into a walkie-talkie. he is no longer on the stairs, but it's difficult to tell where he is inside the house. he is wearing a green, yellow, and white striped polo(?) and saying, "You can't join the police if you're afraid." photo 4: light as a child still, brandishing a plastic black and orange toy pistol. he's saying, "Roger, I'm going in." into the walkie-talkie.]

-- Episode 1

the light we see in the series proper, however, is not the same as manga light. he’s gentle, and sensitive, and anxious. he suffers from panic attack after panic attack. there’s a misconception that he’s the “dumb” light, which frankly isn’t true.

the difference between them is the death of Light’s mother when he was young. his father was working on a case and refused to come to his ailing wife’s bedside, presumably assuming that she would be fine, so light and sayu were alone with sachiko as she passed.

Policeman: We got a call from the hospital. Your wife’s in critical condition. Soichiro: No, Otoharada takes priority. I’ll go to the hospital later.

[photo 1: a nearly empty hospital room. there are no decorations or well-wishing gifts or cards in the space, just a seemingly bare white cabinet against the wall, a matching nightstand beside the hospital bed, and a pale blue privacy screen off to the side. there is a body (sachiko yagami) under the white hospital sheets; her face is covered with a napkin. child light and his sister, still a toddler, are sitting beside her bed, distraught. soichiro yagami has just entered the room and is looking at the scene with his back facing the camera. photo 2: child light, wearing an unbuttoned black and white plaid short-sleeve flannel over a graphic tee. he is shouting at his father, saying, "I called and I called! Why didn't you come right away?"]  

-- Episode 1

it clearly traumatized light, if not sayu. she later says that he and his father have been distant ever since then.

Sayu: He’s acting really weird. Soichiro: How so? Sayu: I mean, he never worries about you. It’s creepy. Soichiro: That’s not creepy. Sayu: Yeah, it is! You know he’s been cold to you ever since the thing with mom.

-- Episode 2

as a result of this, drama light grew up very different from manga light--manga light is likely upper middle class, given that he can afford to toss away expensive mini tv sets, whereas we can see the yagami family in the drama struggling financially. light gets on sayu about not using electricity to save money:

Light [about the television]: If you’re not gonna watch it, turn it off. You’re running up our electricity bill.

-- Episode 1

drama light simply does not get the same opportunities as manga light. he goes to a just-decent economics college instead of working towards the prestige of To-Oh simply because he cannot afford it.

Light’s boss: Yagami-kun, you want a public sector job? Light: Well, job security. There’s no risk of them running out of business.  Light’s boss: Don’t you have any ambition? Like hitting it big and getting rich? Light: Once you get greedy, there’s no end.

-- Episode 1

but also because of the second change, which is that his father's emotional absence and distance when light needed him most (both as and after his mother’s death) resulted in light shunning his father's line of work entirely; while he still grows up with his father's morals and sense of justice, he has no desire anymore to act upon them.

[photo 1: light's bedroom, where there are so many decorations and personal items it makes the room look very busy. there's a large window along the wall behind soichiro and light. the lighting tints everything almost a blue color behind light, who is sitting at his desk, head turned a bit to soichiro. soichiro is in the doorway, staring at light's back. light is saying, "I'm hoping to get into the local ward office." photo 2: same setting, but now light is looking away from his father. he is saying, "Even if that's wrong, I don't plan to join the police."]

-- Episode 1

L: Does your son want to join the police? Soichiro: No. Light doesn’t have a good impression of my job. 

-- Episode 2

Soichiro: When you were a child, you wanted to become a police officer, didn’t you? But when your mother died, you stopped saying you wanted to join the police. It was watching me that killed your desire to become a police officer, right?

-- Episode 6

furthermore, because he's blatantly depressed, he wants nothing more than to enter the public service and gain some sense of stability in his life

Light [internally]: You can invest your life in something and it might make you money, but it won’t necessarily make you happy.

Light [internally]: As long as I can feed myself and spend my days in peace and stability, that’s all I need.

-- Episode 1

most importantly, when sachiko died, soichiro refused any of the responsibilities of a mother. he was very emotionally closed off and distant, choosing instead to throw himself even farther into his job and leave his children alone in their grief.

Soichiro: You wanted me to realize you were suffering alone. That’s what you tried to tell me, wasn’t it? If I had noticed your cries for help earlier... Your lies... Your suffering... If only I had noticed then.

-- Episode 10

instead, light is the one forced to become the “mother” of the family, so to speak, taking on both the emotional responsibilities of managing both his and his sister’s grief and raising her, as well as the associated household tasks--feeding them, cooking for them, working to put food on the table, fretting about bills, and so on.

[photo 1: sayu yagami, now a teenager presumably in high school. her hair is just past her shoulders. she is wearing a pastel purple top and cropped light blue skinny jeans. she sits on the living room couch with her knees to her chest, smart phone dangling in her hands as she turns her head, calling to light: "Hey, I'm hungry." photo 2: light's bedroom. light is jumping up from his desk in surprise, turning to face sayu, who has entered his bedroom without warning. she is wearing her school uniform. she's asking, "Hey, where's breakfast?"]

-- Episode 1

he's very maternal having to practically raise sayu from a very young age and it results in a very caring, gentle man. on top of his depression, disillusionment with soichiro’s job, and lower social class, he never has the opportunity to be a genius like manga light because he’s busy taking care of his family--he’s more occupied with seeking stability than getting ahead and playing a genius, even if he’s smart enough that he could have, in another life.

Kamoda: You’ve always beaten me on grades. You could aim a bit higher if you worked at it. Light: No thanks. No thanks.

-- Episode 1

to be clear, all of these are huge red flags for drama light suffering from parentification--specifically, instrumental parentification. i’m sure you all read the introductory quote, but here is some information on the phenomenon:

Parentification is the process of role reversal whereby a child is obliged to act as parent to their own parent or sibling. Instrumental parentification involves the child completing physical tasks for the family, such as looking after a sick relative, paying bills, or providing assistance to younger siblings that would normally be provided by a parent.

The almost inevitable byproduct of parentification is losing one's own childhood. In destructive parentification, the child in question takes on excessive responsibility in the family, without their caretaking being acknowledged and supported by others: by adopting the role of parental care-giver, the child loses their real place in the family unit and is left lonely and unsure. In extreme instances, there may be what has been called a kind of disembodiment, a narcissistic wound that threatens one's basic self-identity.

All results of parentification are negative. There are no positive byproducts; the 'maturity' and 'emotional resilience' are directly linked to their underlying anxiety and displacement in the family dynamic.

we see light acting as a parent to sayu--cooking, cleaning, working, practically raising sayu on his own while soichiro is practically out of the picture. he receives no praise for this from either his sister or his father, who take it for granted or complain to him when he doesn’t. and as many children who are forced to do so, light is left depressed, devoid of aspirations, and displaced.

the name of this meta and the graphic used to represent it is maslow’s hierarchy of needs. if you’re unfamiliar, there’s a good explanation of it at verywellmind (which i cannot link), and i bring it up because drama light and manga light fall into very different categories. manga light has made it all the way through esteem, and is currently working on his self-actualization throughout the story of Death Note:

"It may be loosely described as the full use and exploitation of talents, capabilities, potentialities, etc. Such people seem to be fulfilling themselves and to be doing the best that they are capable of doing... They are people who have developed or are developing to the full stature of which they capable."

Self-actualizing people are self-aware, concerned with personal growth, less concerned with the opinions of others, and interested in fulfilling their potential.

drama light, on the other hand, has barely even broached his social needs. his place on the pyramid is “love and belonging”--he has love, from his friend kamoda, and from sayu, even if she doesn’t appreciate him--but his relationship with his father is strained and his mother is gone, and his parentification has left him feeling out of place.

it’s these relationships, though, that are the core of why he begins using the death note to begin with. 

immediately before light gets the note, he’s working and talking with his wealthier friend kamoda, who was targeted throughout their lives by a delinquent named sakota who extorted money from kamoda through physical violence. we’re shown a younger light in high school watching this violence, incapable of helping his friend. sakota is released from prison in the first episode and immediately finds light and kamoda again, extorting money from kamoda at knifepoint.

kamoda responds like this:

[photo 1: light, as an adult, standing outside. it's night, the lighting is dim. he is scowling at sakota, who is out of view. light's internal thoughts are split between these two images. the first reads "I wish guys like him--" and the second reads, "--would just go away forever."

photo 2: light's close friend kamoda, curling in on himself in fear. his fingers are laced together and he's holding his arms to his chest, cowering. he looks afraid. he is wearing a long sleeve blue shirt and an orange backpack.]

-- Episode 1

it’s moments after this, when light is walking home, that he finds the note. he writes sakota’s name not because he’s bored, like his manga counterpart; he does it because he internalizes kamoda’s words and because both he and his best friend were threatened at knifepoint by him. even then, drama light has second thoughts, attempting to erase and then scratch out the name.

when it works, light is utterly horrified, overhearing about sakota’s heart attack while eavesdropping on his wake. he nearly has a panic attack until, once again, he hears how people respond:

[ photo 1: a public setting, in front of a funeral home. sakota's funeral has just finished. it is still daylight out. two young men in black suits have come out from the funeral home and are walking down the sidewalk. one of them asks, "Sakota did nothing but make trouble for people when he was alive, right?" light is hiding behind shrubs and a tree on the other side of the sidewalk, crouching and covering his mouth. photo 2: a close up screenshot of a hand holding a smart phone. it appears to be viewing a group chat of some kind, and multiple people are messaging it and talking about sakota's death in japanese. there are several messages that contain "WWWW" which is the japanese equivalent for "lol". one of the young men from the previous picture is saying, "Deep down, they're all relieved he's dead."]

-- Episode 1

at this point, though, light is still horrified. he wants to believe it’s fake, so he throws the note in the trash and attempts to dump it. unlike manga light, who feels the need to test it and dismiss any lingering doubts that he may have unintentionally murdered a man, drama light would rather put it out of his mind entirely.

obviously, sakota is very different from manga light’s first murder, and that’s because in the tv drama the first two murders are switched. sakota, who has a heart attack on his motorcycle, is intended to be the man manga light killed at the convenience store for sexually harassing a woman. the second murder in the tv drama is otoharada kuro, the man holding an elementary school hostage, and in this adaptation he also has a personal connection to the family: the case that soichiro was on when sachiko died was otoharada’s original arrest.

in the tv drama, otoharada takes an elementary schooler and her mother hostage in order to exchange her for soichiro himself, who he blames for his original arrest. light hears about this from matsuda, and for the third time, his sister responds like this:

[photo: a large room with several wide windows streaming light into it through white blinds. there are three rows of long desks, two chairs at each, similar to a classroom. police officers and detectives are buzzing around; some are going through files and paperwork frantically. sayu and light are in the far back on a bench against the wall. light is sitting, hands folded in his lap, as he watches his sister. sayu is standing, wearing her school uniform of a blouse, tie, and plaid skirt. she is shouting, "Just kill that scum and save my dad already!"]

-- Episode 1

light returns home and uses the note for the second time in order to save his father, who light still respects and craves the approval and emotional support of even despite their distance.

at the point of his second murder, manga light has a breakdown before almost immediately compartmentalizes his guilt and doubling down on the idea that he can do no wrong because he's been told he can't his entire life. for the first week until ryuk arrives he begins killing people in earnest, whereas drama light is deeply and profoundly horrified.

[ photo 1: a mid-chest and upwards shot of light. he is in his bedroom, looking down at the floor. he is wearing an open plaid shirt over a tee shirt. the subtitles for his internal thoughts say, "I would have been happy...just letting the days pass by uneventfully..." photo 2: a close up shot of light's face. he is wide-eyed, dragging his left hand down his cheek and staring at his right. in horror, he is saying, "I killed them."]

-- Episode 1

he ultimately ends up fleeing to a rooftop in the city and attempting to throw himself off of it before being talked out of it by ryuk. ryuk tells him that he can take the note back and erase light’s memories of it--which light nearly accepts--before mentioning that if light didn't want it, he'd give it to someone else, potentially a criminal who could do terrible things with it.

Ryuk: What if a real bastard like those guys you killed, Otoharada or Sakota, picked up that notebook? Light: No! Ryuk: The person who picks up the Death Note gets to decide how they use it.

-- Episode 1

so light takes the note.

what happens after this has been summed up by tumblr user whoresband in their post about drama light (which i can’t link due to tumblr not letting this post appear in the search but i’ll link the relevant portions and you can look it up):

when he gets the death note, he gains a power that was unavailable to him as a child. it was initially his sense of responsibility to his family and his caring nature that drove him to use it, but it was that promise of power that made him keep using it. as the series progresses, light begins to change. he tells sayu to cook for herself, to wash her own clothes. he demands a seat with his father, and sayu pours him a beer just like she did for their father. he stops being kind to misa and begins to use her as a tool for his plans. he manipulates women in his path, consistently viewing them as tools and neglecting their humanity. the death note has given him access to manhood and the freedom that it provides that he was denied by taking on the role of his mother. the death note teaches him that masculinity holds power, and he gladly takes hold of it. 

i’m not going to reinvent the wheel and just restate what this person has said, because it’s spot on, but i will provide examples--

he tells sayu to cook for herself...

[photo: light is in the yagami household, but it's difficult to say which room. the lighting is dim and it's difficult to see much of his outfit or eyes. he is saying to sayu, "Cook for yourself for once. I'm tired."]

-- Episode 1

[photo: light, sayu, and soichiro are all in their dining room. it is very busy-looking; it's full of furniture which is lined with knick knacks and thriving green potted plants. soichiro is wearing his work clothes, including a white dress shirt, and he's sitting at the table watching his children. sayu is standing between soichiro and light, with her hands on the chair next to the table. we cannot see her face, as it is turned to light, who is in the doorway. he is wearing a sort sleeved button up, unbuttoned, with a tee shirt and jeans. we can see the strap of a shoulder bag across his chest. light is saying to sayu, "Cook for yourself, for once."]

  -- Episode 2

..to wash her own clothes.

[photo 1: light and ryuk in light's bedroom, both facing sayu, who is offscreen. light is sitting at his desk, looking anxious. the shinigami ryuk is looking over him, wearing a sinister grin and wearing all black. light is saying to sayu, "Then... wash it yourself."]

-- Episode 1

...he demands a seat with his father...

[ photo: a blurry screenshot of light from the shoulders up. he is saying, "Maybe I'll have a drink."]

-- Episode 2

...and sayu pours him a beer just like she did for their father.

[photo 1: a shot of soichiro from the mid-chest up. he is wearing his white work shirt and rectangular, black glasses. he looks surprised, mouth slightly agape. he is looking at light and sayu, offscreen. light is saying, "Sayu, can I have a cup?" photo 2: the yagami family in their dining room. soichiro is sitting at the table on the viewer's right in his work shirt. one of his hands is reaching for a beer, and his other arm is resting on the chair beside him. light sits across from him on the viewer's left. sayu stands between them. she is saying, "That's unusual. Here."]

-- Episode 2

he stops being kind to misa and begins to use her as a tool for his plans 

[photo: a closeup of light's face. he looks very serious, speaking to misa. we can only see the back of her head. light is telling her, "If I think you might tell them about me, I'm writing your name in my Death Note."]

-- Episode 4

he manipulates women in his path, consistently viewing them as tools and neglecting their humanity. 

photo 1: a very close screenshot of Light's handwriting in the death note. in english, he's written, "Halle Lidner". below her name is some japanese handwriting. Light reads, “After coming to an underground parking lot in Yaehashi and giving the Death Note to a man waiting there,”]

-- Episode 10

but this isn’t the only option light yagami is offered. you may have noticed i went this entire post without mentioning the other major player in the tv drama: L. 

a large part of what drives light to ambition isn’t just receiving the note and gaining power, especially when his memories are gone and he lacks that foundation; it’s his rivalry--and then, briefly, friendship--with L. L drives him to do better, both when he’s on the opposite team and when they’re on the same one.

unfortunately, this post is getting long and in order to do the next part justice, i need to flesh out drama L and his motivations a bit more, so i’ll be posting him as a standalone post in the coming days. it’ll cover his character development in the tv drama and how he affects light in turn up until the end.

if you liked this analysis i highly recommend checking it out HERE! thanks for reading!

[cypher-of-the-night]

Biography: Yuuichi Kuroi

“Between going to hell for killing leeches, or to heaven at the cost of innocent lives... I���d rather stay a sinful man for the rest of my life.”

~

Full name: Kuroi, Yuuichi

Kanji: 黒佑一

Age: 19

Meaning:  Yuuichi - To help one; Kuroi - Black, Dark

Nickname(s):

Sensei (by Yui),

Yuuichi Jiang (Alias)

Yòu-Yī  Jiang (Chinese Name)

Age: 19 (Looks around early 20′s)

Birthday: April 1st

Zodiac Sign: Aries

Ethnicity: Chinese/Japanese

Nationality: Japanese

Hobbies: Hunting, Practicing Martial Arts

Favorite Food: Cream Stew

Dislikes: Days-Off, Vampires, and Ignorance

Race: Vampire, Human (Formerly)

Gender: Male

Height: 178 cm (5’10")

Weight: 67 kg (147 lbs)

Hair color: Black

Eye color: Blue

Blood Type: O

Occupation: High School Teacher-in-Training, Vampire Hunter

Relatives:

Ying-Yue Jiang (ancestral foremother)

Naoki Enjo (Distant Relative)

Hisoka Kuroi (First-Cousin, Arranged fiancée)

Tsurara Kuroi (Parental Grandmother)

Favorite Food: Cream Stew

Hobbies: Hunting, Practicing Martial Arts

Seiyuu: Satoshi Hino (Ao from Hakkenden (Talking /Singing)

English Voice: Greg Cote (Eita Izumi from Just Because) (Talking)

~

Personality:

To the public eye, Yuuichi is a cool, collected young genius. At the age of 13, He graduates from college and is mentioned to be friendless, as he distances himself from others ever since childhood; Only having his cousin as his only other companion growing up. As he was always quiet, people found Yuuichi intimidating as he would be the only one brave enough to stare down and talk back at the Sakamaki’s, the Mukami’s, and even the Tsukinami’s; Something not even the Principal could do. Yuuichi is also observant and strict, even catching Ayato cheating but never calls him out on it; This leads to him and Ayato having a rather antagonistic relationship.

However, Yuuichi’s cool front is actually a mask, revealing himself to be passionate, but broken young man, desperately looking for love, affection, acceptance, and acknowledgment. Having grown up in a family of Vampire Hunters, Yuuichi has learned to kill vampires since he was young; While he was exceptional in this field, Yuuichi always had to live up to high expectations and was forced to distance himself from others to protect them from getting involved with his life as a Vampire hunter. He cares dearly about innocent people, but felt he must put them at a distance to keep them safe from harm. Always feeling that he must carry the burden on his own, Yuuichi bottles up his emotions in order to continue his role as a protector to innocent humans. He also has a soft spot for children, especially orphans, as he himself is an orphan.

While it was never reciprocated, Yuuichi did hold romantic feelings for his cousin, Hisoka, ever since they were children; Even before their arranged engagement. However, while he has tried to win her heart, it was apparent that She never loved him anymore than a brother. This is due to growing up believing he was a mistake by their grandmother, as he was born as an illegitimate child to the Kuroi family, and that Hisoka was the first person that has treated him as if his existence wasn’t a mistake and that he felt validated by her. This is also why he was not the family heir, despite being the oldest. He also developed a self-hatred and a case of PTSD from having to undergo harsh training as a Vampire hunter, losing his family members, to the abusive treatment from his grandmother.

Due to the way he grew up in the organization and his own hatred towards vampires, Yuuichi feels no remorse in killing the blood-sucking creatures and strongly believes that they are beasts in human form that deserve nothing more than to be extinct. While he genuinely feels that way, it only adds in his self-hatred and disgust for allowing himself become a vampire just to survive when he would rather die. As a vampire hunter, he also knows tactics to torture someone and do what ever means necessary to get the job done; Even it meant resorting to manipulation.

While appearing rational, Yuuichi also holds a sadistic side from the influence of being a vampire and would have the tendencies to succumb to vamperic urges along with his own desires; Depending on which route he’s in, He can either succumb to insanity, forcibly take what he wants as a desperate attempt to find his own happiness, and die as a tragic man, or He can be taught that he can love and be loved healthily, that he must pick up the broken pieces in order to find happiness, and to live as the avenging survivor.

~

Strengths:

Highly intelligent, respectful to elders, goal-oriented, protective, observant, a realist, serious, mysterious, cool, calm, fast-learner, outspoken when needed to, Caring to children, does show gratitude, strong-willed, kind, athletic, knowledgeable, passionate, experienced, and faithful.

Flaws: Secretly sadistic (from Vampiric urges), cold, stoic, vengeful, stubborn, persistent, easily lonely, hot-tempered, hostile, emotionally scarred, secretive, mentally scarred, self-hatred, has a hard time trusting people, hard, mentally unstable, anxious, paranoid, can’t cook, fearful of losing loved ones, socially awkward, shy, secretly masochistic (heavily embarrassed of this fact about himself) and secretly soft-hearted (can’t show it due to his upbringing as a hunter).

Skills: Shooting with guns (specifically pistols), Fluent in different languages (Chinese, Japanese, English), her intelligence (has even gotten a higher score than Reiji on tests), has high patience, high stamina, a fast runner, enhanced sense of smell, slightly stronger than normal humans, good listening skills, reading people and their emotions, skilled at playing on the flute, singing, has good flexibility, is Ambidextrous (both left-handed and right-handed), charisma, negotiation and interrogation skills, pain endurance, has slow but steady healing, a quick thinker, surprisingly observant, excellent swordsmanship, and an expert martial artist.

~

History:

Born as an illegitimate child to the Kuroi family, Yuuichi has always been deemed as a “mistake” all of his life by his own grandmother, Tsurara Kuroi. At a young age, His father was disappeared after being reported as MIA during a mission while his mother was kidnapped by a vampire. He was placed under the care of his aunt and uncle for a short time, meeting his first-cousin, Hisoka Kuroi; Falling in love with her and her innocence, Yuuichi swore to protect her and to work hard to become her husband when they are older. Such a thing even became the reason why he would eventually become a exceptional vampire hunter as he grew older.

When he was placed under Tsurara’s care, Yuuichi was immediately taken to start the harsh vampire-hunter training for Kuroi family members; The training sessions caused him to experience horrors and force him to kill in order to save himself, resulting nightmares and eventual numbness in order to get through every training session. Becoming a professional at the age of 8, Yuuichi’s first mission was to kill the same vampire that kidnapped his mother; But once he did and comes across his mother, who was imprisoned the entire time and showed signs of abuse and bite marks, She tearfully begs him to kill her so that she doesn’t turn into a vampire, fearing she would end up hurting others the way her captive has hurt her. Heartbroken that their reunion would end up as it did, Yuuichi complies before telling his mother he loved her, in which his mother replies that she (along with his father) will always love him. From having to kill his own mother as well, this lead to the start of his burning hatred for vampires, vowing to eradicate every single one of them so that humans won’t have to suffer the same way his mother did.

After hearing about the deaths of his aunt and uncle, the memories of his father’s disappearance, and the kidnapping and death of his mother comes back to haunt him and fuel the burning hatred of vampires more; Whether or not Hisoka herself survived or not, Yuuichi will still remain guilty for not being able to be there to protect her or her innocence as he swore to.

If Hisoka did survive, whichi is Hisoka’s Route: Due to the fear of almost losing her, Yuuichi becomes heavily emotionally invested in her to a point he gets jealous of anyone that Hisoka interacts with, especially Yui Komori, who he envied and hated for being the one that helped Hisoka open up when she needed someone the most. Yuuichi would do anything for Hisoka just to make her happy and to win her love, in a similar way Richter loves Cordelia; However, when a mission to rescue Yui was changed to killing her, Yuuichi was the first to take the task to do so. Due to Hisoka’s love and devotion to Ruki Mukami, Yuuichi’s mentality breaks, becoming insane and unpredictable, and resorts to making his happiness happen by force (the happiness being promised by Tsurara herself if Yuuichi kills Yui successfully). This ends up failing and leads to his death by Hisoka’s hands.

If Hisoka didn’t survive, which is Naoki’s Route, Yuuichi becomes the only Kuroi member left in the new generation, making him the only other candidate to become heir to the Kuroi family. But Tsurara does not allow it as she still labels him a ‘mistake’, despite his adroit skills as a hunter. From this, Yuuichi comes to the belief that Tsurara had something to do with the death of the rest of his family members, especially after learning about the wiping out of the clan from his mother’s side. As such, He has decided to investigate deeper into the mystery, which lead to taking on the task to assassinate Yui Komori, only to use her to figure out a lead to Tsurara’s crimes that ended up massacring the rest of his family.

Sometime in between the Haunted Dark Bridal Saga and the MORE BLOOD Saga, Yuuichi was almost near death from a mission he was sent to by Tsurara, only to be saved by and turned by Richter on a certain condition:

Hisoka Route: Richter agrees to make Yuuichi strong enough to kill the Mukami’s, especially Ruki Mukami, who was working with Karlheinz, the Vampire King, but in exchange, Yuuichi will help him dethrone Karlheinz and kill the Sakamaki’s. Due to Yuuichi’s mentality breaking from Hisoka loving Ruki, He agrees to help Richter overthrow Karlheinz and kill the vampires. This is also because they share a mutual understanding of loving a woman that loves someone else, and will do anything just to make them happy/their own, to a point not having them in their arms makes them lose their own sanity.

Naoki Route: Richter agrees to help provide Yuuichi the information he needs to prove Tsurara was guilty, if Yuuichi agrees to keep Yui safe from the Sakamaki’s and the Mukami’s. While Yuuichi didn’t understand why Richter would give him this opportunity, seeing that they both have a common enemy in Tsurara, Yuuichi accepts this despite his own hatred for vampires as long as it would be beneficial to what he is looking for in order to get evidence of Tsurara’s crimes. He eventually does kidnap Yui, using Naoki as a distraction, but while he had her in his custody, they do eventually fall in love and Yuuichi realizes his own inhumane actions and decides to learn to love himself, as well as to move forward with his life.

Eventually, He goes undercover in the guise of a Teacher-in-Training at Ryoutei Academy.

(SPOILERS)

In Naoki’s route, in the DARK FATE Saga, It is revealed that Yuuichi is also a bloodline member of the Chinese clan of human vampire hunters with the first-blood blood in their veins, due to their foremother ancestor, Ying-Yue Jiang; Ying-Yue was the original host of a first-blood’s heart (whom was also her lover in her former life as a human), and was a human before turning into a vampire after she gave birth to a human son that carried the blood of a First-blood, Asher. Due to herself staying hidden for many centuries to hide from Karlheinz under her first-blood lover’s instructions, Ying-Yue was given the nickname “Lilith”, who was known to be the first wife of Adam but leaves him after she refuses to become subservient to him (in a similar sense where Ying-Yue refuses to let herself become experimented as an Eve to Karlheinz’s plan); However, their secret was revealed when one of their clan’s members was kidnapped by a vampire who found out about the truth of their blood. That kidnapped member was Yuuichi’s mother herself. And after the Clan was targeted and massacred, Yuuichi became one of the two only clan members left alive; The other revealing to be Naoki Enjo, the current host of Asher’s heart. The one that plotted the massacre of the clan was Tsurara herself; However, due to Karlheinz’s decision to kill off the entire family of Hisoka, including Hisoka herself, to allow one member from the Jiang clan escape from the massacre, this lead to Tsurara to hold a grudge as she had plans to use Hisoka as her perfect successor as Head of the VH Organization.

It is also revealed that, the real reason Tsurara called Yuuichi a mistake, is because she became aware of the first-blood blood in his veins, and deemed him as one with filthy blood; This is the reason why she refused to make him heir to the family, as all of his abilities were only enhanced from the blood of a first-blood, and that she only sent him on the mission where he was almost killed is to ensure that he does get killed and never returns. In Hisoka’s Route in the DARK FATE saga, where Yuuichi has already been killed, Tsurara explains that she was responsible in organizing the massacre of the Jiang clan and that she did arrange killing of Yuuichi in order to give Hisoka the push she needed to attempt rising up against her, and turn her into the perfect successor after Hisoka herself realizes the truth of her existence and the reason for the death of her family was all because she existed.

Once everything comes to light, in Naoki’s Route in the DARK FATE saga, Asher reveals to Yuuichi that his father was the one informed the clan about the kidnapping as a warning and took Naoki to the orphanage, but as a result from receiving word he gave warning of the VH Organization hunters coming to massacre them, Tsurara had him, one of her own sons, executed for “betraying the organization”.

~

Trivia:

• Yuuichi is unable to cook; Legend tells he tried to cook something himself, but he ends up burning everything he cooks into flames. Even cereal. Even in

Hisoka’s Route

in the

MORE BLOOD

saga, It is mentioned that Yuuichi himself almost burned down the organization from trying to cook; The one of the very few things he can do is brew coffee.

• While only describes as his hobbies, Yuuichi actually hunts and practices Martial arts as said hobbies is mainly because it helps him keep his figure and to ensure he does not slack off from lack of training.

This is why He doesn’t like day off’s, as he feels uncomfortable doing nothing and that he would rather much do something than doing nothing.

• In his own Manservant ending in the MORE BLOOD saga with Yui, He ends up becoming just like Richter and becomes a submissive slave to Yui, who would end up inheriting dominant, sadistic traits from Cordelia; He even ends up killing Richter to ensure Yui remains his, in fear that Richter will take her away from him.

In the DARK FATE route of Naoki’s Route, Yuuichi confronts Richter as he tries to make a move on Yui in the delusion that she’s Cordelia and denies being like him; This is ironic, considering the fact that he is very much like him in Hisoka’s Route, as his own mentality breaks and would do whatever means necessary to keep Hisoka at his side, even if it meant killing those in his way.

•  He inherited his blue eyes from his father, while his mother holds the same pink eyes as Naoki; It is implied that the bloodline family members of the Jiang clan have the same colored eyes, but the reason why Yuuichi has blue eyes is because the Kuroi family genes has been known to be arguably stronger.

• Yuuichi was originally made to be a character for Hisoka Kuroi’s universe; However, regretting such great potential to go to waste, Yuki (The creator of this blog and @star-crossedfidelity​) brought him back for Naoki Enjo’s story in an alternative universe and gives him a happy ending where he is the love interest of Yui Komori.

• Yuuichi’s real name is Yòu-Yī Jiang (Jiang Yòu-Yī; 江佑一), which respectively mean “To protect all” and “River”.

• Upon his appearance in the MORE BLOOD Saga in Naoki’s route,  

• By the DARK FATE saga in Naoki’s Route, Yuuichi is revealed to be spiritually-Endowed Human-First Blood Hybrid; This is due to Ying-Yue Jiang, his foremother and Asher’s lover, became the first carrier of the first-blood’s heart before she had sexual intercourse with another human in an arranged marriage, which lead to conceiving a human child that would later start a family line of human with first-blood ancestry from Ying-Yue carrying Asher’s heart before the child was conceived; Thus, Yuuichi is a human with first-blood ancestry.

Asher reveals that because the child was born from two humans, despite his blood running through its veins, they can not possess magic, transform, or summon familiars like a first-blood; Instead, because of his blood, The child was stronger, quicker, and healed faster than an average human, along with inheriting the ability to sense vampires and invisible familiars. This is why the clan were phenomenal vampire hunters as, while they can’t see them, they can sense their presence, using those abilities to their advantages.

Asher also reveals that Yuuichi’s enhanced abilities were due to the blood that ran through the family bloodline for generations, and if Yuuichi was the host for his heart, Asher admits that Yuuichi would’ve unlock even more power due to his upbringing as a vampire hunter.

• Due to never having a normal childhood or having a chance to relax, Yuuichi has no knowledge or recollection on what’s it’s like to be a child; For example, He has never been to an amusement park, nor has he ever been to a festival before.

• While he is good with swordsmanship, He prefers to use guns instead; The reason for this is because, when he went on his first mission, He used a sword; Which meant he had to kill his own mother with the sword, and began to use guns after that. In Hisoka’s Route, It is confirmed that Yuuichi would only use swords if he is being sent on a more difficult mission.

• Yuuichi uses the alias “Yuuichi Jiang”, a mixture of his Japanese name and his mother’s maiden name; However, in Naoki’s Route in the MORE BLOOD saga, this is how Asher began to suspect Yuuichi as another living survivor of the massacre, due to his Chinese decent, his own enhanced abilities, and his familiar scent of those from the Jiang clan.

• In Hisoka’s Route, Yuuichi is in love with Hisoka, and not Yui, who he bitterly hated and envied; However, in Naoki’s Route, Yuuichi becomes Yui’s keeper by the MORE BLOOD Saga and they end up falling in love. ~

Credits: Character sheet image, art provided by @seven-re​.

[yurimother]

LGBTQ Manga Review - If I Could Reach You Vol. 2

The first volume of tMnR’s If I Could Reach You was a nonstop barrage of emotionally shattering and resonating suffering. Uta hopelessly struggled against her feelings for her sister-in-law, Kaoru, until finally recognizing that she could never be rid of them nor act upon them. The second volume gives the readers a much-needed breath, a slower and less devastating story focused mainly on the side characters. While it does a lot right and helps build work's pacing, many parts of this volume feel like an auxiliary bridge between story arcs, which unfortunately drags it down.

The volume starts relatively happy and light, a drastic change from the first. Kaoru starts working on making jewelry, Uta can talk to her somewhat normally and is even looking for a job. However, Reiichi, Uta’s older brother and Kaoru’s husband, is once again absent. Uta’s friend Chloe, who got Uta her job at a cafe, requests her assistance studying for exams, which Uta sees as the perfect opportunity to escape Kaoru and her feelings temporarily.

This plotline allows the reader to learn more about Chloe and further develops her character beyond the brash girl who Uta unloads her problems. I mentioned in my review of Volume One that she was in desperate need of more characterization and focus, given her crucial role as Uta’s confidant, and it is lovely to see this need fulfilled.

Chloe’s father is a hopeless romantic and frequently falls in and out of love with women, to the point where Chloe is unsure of her mother’s identity. Fed up with her father’s behavior, she began living alone and developed a view of love as fleeting and unnecessary. Her past contextualizes her personality and explains her actions and opinions in both this volume and the previous, her isolation, apparent lack of attachments, and bluntness. It perfectly rounds out her character and makes her far more compelling than she previously was.

Miyabi, a coworker of Uta, challenges Chloe’s worldview and ideas of love when she asks her out. However, even after accepting, Chloe continues to be dismissive of her, as she is of everyone, and does not show much affection, physical or otherwise. Their relationship is not healthy; Miyabi is more invested and takes on the role of Chloe’s caretaker, cleaning her apartment, and making her food. However, Chloe is lack of affection leaves Miyabi uncertain about their relationship. Desperate for assistance and wanting to be closer with Chloe, she pursues Uta’s advice.

Ultimately, the conflict in the relationship is solved when they sit down to define their partnership. Chloe declares that she does not want to participate in the usual rituals of romance, but has come to rely on Miyabi and enjoys her presence. They come to an agreement that both agree on and continue their relationship with newly established terms. On the one hand, this resolution is unsatisfying. Their partnership still relies on the dynamic of caretaker and Chloe. Still, it is a defined, and consensual arrangement made between the two, and possibly more faithful to their characterization than a conventional relationship would have been. If one squints, they can claim that Chloe is asexual or aromantic, I think she is just cynical and jaded.

The plot is not poor by any means, and it provides readers with a much-needed reprieve from the emotional torture and drama of the first volume. Unfortunately, much of this plot feels like filler. In total, it makes few accomplishments that serve the greater narrative, such as further developing Chloe. However, its most significant achievements are reinforcing the story’s steady slow pace, and the final growth achieved by the main characters.

After witnessing the relationship between Chloe and Miyabi, Uta decides to become indispensable to Kauru. This revelation is matched by one from Kauru, who is by herself while Reiichi is away. She realizes that she is lonely and needs to have other people around. Her requirement to have Uta nearby, and Uta’s need to be close with her, create a dynamic of codependency. TMnR’s brilliance is on full display here. By establishing this new form of their relationship while the characters are separated, it will make their inevitable reunion that much more complex and compelling. Sadly, other choices made did not pay off nearly as well.

The final twist, which I will not spoil here, is predictable and poorly written. Sadly, it makes Reiichi a much weaker character and seems to set him up as the “villain” for subsequent volumes. One of his most exceptional qualities as a romantic opponent for Uta was that neither she nor the reader could hate him, as he was a moral and kind guy, albeit, slightly absent-minded, who tried to do his best for his sister and wife. However, to the author's credit, the change does not come out of anywhere and helps readers look at past events in a different light.

The manga continues to showcase phenomenal artwork. The characters are well designed and extremely expressive. There are significantly fewer panels featuring Uta looking wretched and exhausted than the first, which matches the volume’s lighter tone. However, the girl's heartache is still exceptionally well communicated, and a few more comically exaggerated faces and actions. Near the end is a fantastic sequence told only through images that shows the characters’ past together, which reinforces and supports their dilemmas and foreshadows coming events brilliantly.

There are a few light moments of service, such as the chapter 8 opening artwork, which displays Chloe in bed with bare shoulders, but hardly anything worth more mentioning. Jennifer Skarupa’s lettering, along with Diana Taylor’s translation and Haruko Hashimoto’s editing, is spectacular, just as it was in the first volume, and really pulls readers into the story and punctuates the more dramatic moments perfectly.

If I Could Reach You Volume 2 is a competent entry into the series, if slightly inconsequential save for the final chapter or two. It seeks to further the world by establishing supporting characters and showing just how dominating and self-destructive Uta’s love is, even when away from Kauru. It makes a few missteps in these efforts, such as an unwelcome twist and failing to serve the main plot. But even then, the story presented is not a bad one. It succeeds in setting the series’ pace and creating new beats by separating the main characters, which will contribute to the upcoming storm that I suspect Volume 3 will be. All of these elements are encased by tMnR’s robust dialogue and exceptional artwork. While it will not be most reader’s favorite, I strongly encourage that they do not skip it, as it serves for a launching point into a far more compelling and tumultuous continuation.

Ratings: Story – 6 Characters – 7 Art – 9 LGBTQ – 7 Sexual Content – 1 Final – 6

Purchase If I Could Reach You 2 digitally and physically here: https://amzn.to/2FQNzlw

Review copy provided by Kodansha Comics

Found out more at  kodanshacomics. com/series/if-i-could-reach-you/ 

[a-to-a-and-d-to-d]

The First Post, Unaffiliated

This is not my first rodeo on Tumblr, but I have not logged into my original account in some time.  I think a large part of that decision was due to a bitter taste in my mouth regarding friendships made on this site that I would eventually need to detach from, and sometimes that’s a difficult thing to not only recognize the need for, but to accept and actually do.

I am also less into fandom than I had been.  I realize that my indulgence into fandom was to find acceptance and love, but much like seeking religion or social groups for this purpose, it was bound to eventually backfire and discontinue that comfort that it brought me.  

I will probably go about discuss religion and like things in this place eventually, as I often ponder religion and spirituality, but do not take my pointing out of anything I find interesting as a means to try to disprove or prove anything.  

I thought perhaps today, though, I will talk about something that is on my mind a lot lately, and has recently been brought to the surface by a friend’s situation

One of the struggles I continue to deal with, even as I ever so slowly trudge towards that which we call mid-life,  is the child’s relationship with the parent(s), and how those that are/were damaging, we some how feel necessary to reconcile in some ways, for our sanity and for the parental love that we crave because we did not receive an adequate amount of any sort of parental relationship in our youth.

I personally did not develop what I would consider a relationship with my parents until I hit my 20s.  I spent a childhood being lonely despite being surrounded by siblings and having parents who remained married.  My teen years resulted in a tumultuous relationship with my mother and her scramble to convince teachers and other parents that she did not “screw up” as a parent.  I dealt with a significant amount of troubles in my adolescence and her reaction to that time was to become angry.  Angry that I had issues, angry that it was clear I had issues, and that I wasn’t living my teens as though everything had been and was perfectly fine.

My older siblings also had difficult times during their teen years, resulting from abusive and neglectful parenting and allowing their children - mostly due to a lack of interest in them - to stay in unsafe private schools and ruminate on those difficulties by themselves.  Somehow, I had been expected to be emotionally capable at 10/11 years old to deal with constant harassment.  I found release in music and story telling, and sometimes I still very much cling to these things.

What is currently difficult is trying to reconcile parents you had to who they are.  Can one forgive an entire childhood of neglect and mistreatment because their parents are better equipped to deal with the issues of completely independent children, or is the fact that they are no longer sole providers for any children making it easier for them to have a relationship with them?  The real question at the bottom of this barrel is, is are we - who decided we can tolerate a relationship with these people as adults - continuing to trigger ourselves?  I have had more than one night, after talking to my mother, laid in bed and unable to sleep, thinking about some violent act committed against me when I was so small, and wonder... how could she look at a child of 5 and think that was reasonable in any way?  It upsets me when I recall those my moments; of course they’re upsetting.  But the biggest part of the upset is the fact that I have the memories of this violence but a parent now that I feel more connected to and invested in their wellbeing.

When I was about 18, I was certain I wouldn’t cry at the funerals of either parent, but now I’m concerned about their well being as they become elderly.  In some ways, it feels like I’ve betrayed my child self by maintaining a relationship with them even though I had promised myself as a child I would cut them off for good.  This is a promise I’ve made a few times as an adult as well.

I think part of the reason I continue to go back is that we all yearn for a family of some sort.  And for a while, I thought I had found a “found family,” but after so many years, it was made clear that it really wasn’t that way.  Being rejected by found family hurts so much more than an entire life of biological familial rejection.  I’m sure this is due to the fact that I had been subjected to violence and neglect once I became a toddler.  Once actual parenting was required.

My childhood resulted in an odd way of feeling emotions and attachments.  I may talk about this in depth at a different time.

What’s been really bothering me is a friend and their particular relationship with their parents.  I’ve spent the better part of a year hearing about how their parents, one in particular, is vile and just the worst.  They plan to call authorities.  They let pets suffer & die (though my friend also noticed the pets in question and lives there so there is some question as to why they didn’t step up and do something about it).  They claim years of abuse and current child abuse in the home.  A lifetime of making them feel worthless and taking jabs, blaming them for a lack of confidence and depression.  They spent a lot of time discussing their anti-mask feelings and has made comments about them dying so the other parents could be free.  The other parent isn’t great, either, but the major complaint is that they’re racist as all get out.. but they excuse it away by saying “but they’re my parent.”

The bad-mouthed parent, the vile and evil one, the anti-mask one (and the racist one as well,, but less about them), the one said friend couldn’t wait to leave and never speak to them again, contracted our pandemic friend.  And the vile parent is suffering quite a bit more at its hands.  Suddenly, we love this person.

I had a similar experience several years ago, as well, of supposedly incredibly abusive and terrible parents that continue to abuse and mistreat into their adulthood, suddenly becoming a weird sort of saint in their eyes when illness/death is at the door.  its not that I believe people who have toxic parents do not love them, or should not worry or mourn if tragedy strikes them.  What I am saying is that, if you imagine your parent getting sick and suffering, and that makes your heart hurt and you feel a surge of love, then perhaps you shouldn’t have spent several years convincing everyone around you that they’re the worst person.  It makes me question what is more true.  I do think that we all unconsciously exaggerate situations that effect us, such as relaying a story of toxicity, but if you do it to a point where I think you’re just waiting for the opportunity to leave their life forever, I might wonder why you’re so bent out of shape.

Is it mourning of the relationship we wish we had?  As long as that parent is alive and relatively well, we may be thinking that there’s still a chance to have that relationship.  We hope that maybe the parents will suddenly give a shit about us and will love us in the way we needed when we were children.  And its difficult to admit to yourself that this isn’t going to happen.  Even if your parental relationships are fulfilling and loving now, they are not what you needed when you were a child and you cannot get them now, because you are not a child.

You can always experiment out in the big bad world with different avenues.  As I equate violence to the touch of a “loved one,”  I’ve fetishized some of that violence.  Just as, I’m sure, people had fetishized their own experiences and needs that had been neglected.

However we cope, we need to find healthy and viable ways to do so.  And while I do question the legitimacy of the abusive parent when a friend’s reaction to their parent takes a complete turn when something bad happens, I also understand that relationships with abusive people are weird and difficult, especially when they’re our families.