#but sadly 2020 hit me hard and im so far away from them now

[beaversatemygrandma]

Randomly thinking about that time this fuckboi started working with me. Now, he didn’t originally come off as a fuckboi, he was rather sweet and just plain pretty. But then came the time when he was flirting/sleeping with three of us there. All at once.

One of them was an old friend of mine and while i was fwb with him (he was nice to have around, okay), she admits to me that she has a crush on him. And I’m like “oh.” bc i had a crush on her. Then there’s the third girl, she was close to this old friend and they started hanging out a lot. This third girl started dating the fuckboi. Now, here’s where the fuckboi really shows his fuckboi colors. My old friend started flirting back with him and tried to date him bc he never told any of us that him and the other girl started dating. Those two stayed talking for a while, we’d do group hangouts together just the four of us. Still. Unaware. That those two started dating. One night he invites me over, I stay the night, etc etc. (Long story, there’s more.)

The next day, my friend comes up at work like ‘Something’s off about those two’ and starts talking about how he still wouldn’t turn her down but seemed like he was avoiding the whole idea and spending a lot more time with the other girl.

A few days later, me and the fuckboi were working side by side and had a whole lot of time to chat. At the worst possible point during the lunch rush, he looks to me and says ‘by the way, me and that girl are dating now.’ (Keep in mind, this was apparently a couple months after they actually got together) So, of course I’m there like ‘what the actual fuck man. I literally slept with you last weekend.’

THEN, a week or so later, my friend comes over outside of work and tells me about how his gf told her that he cheated on her a month before. And me, putting the pieces together slowly but surely through the conversation, realizes, he cheated on her with me. And she didn’t even know about the most recent time that he had. It was definitely more than once bc that fucker was being all secretive. After that, the girl group split up for a while due to different jobs. The fuckboi moved in with his gf. Me and my old friend keep up a casual friendship with oddly homoerotic flirting that goes right over the head of our incel friend who acted as our ride 90% of the time so he casually joins in thinking its just a bit we’re doing even though both of us are subtly telling each other that we’re down to get together. Yadda yadda, six months pass Somehow. I Still Can’t Get a Girl. Which is funny bc she explicitly told me she was into girls too during that time. Fuckboi’s gf finally has had enough of his shit, allegedly he got another girl involved, and dumps him, leaving him without a home. He comes crawling back to me, but i no longer had my apartment and wouldn’t just let him crash with me. There was a whole thing and eventually he finally managed to get a new place to live after I pointed him to our incel buddy for a place to sleep, who, being the kind weirdo that he is, let him stay with him until he could finally move on.

After all that, the girls are reunited again. The three of us would spend whatever time we had outside of work at the beach. (I lived with my granddad at the time and he had a BEACH HOUSE so BEACH.)

The fuckboi brought three bi girls* (*I’m not a girl anymore tho) together and managed to get the weirdest homoerotic friendship between all of us over the unification from this guy, which none of us acted on bc apparently there wasn’t enough evidence for any of us to make a move on another.

Now, the girls started living together after the fuckboi vacancy, alongside another girl, my other old friend’s beard, and the incel buddy. It became this small lesbian coven with the token small man with weeb shit all over the house who’d give me tips on how to flirt with that one girl i had a crush on bc she had him wrapped around her fingers but zero interest in him, but he was like ‘yeah, i’ll get you the girl, dw’. So, i had all the inside tips on what she liked and what kind of gifts to randomly drop on her. It was a Solid Plan. To which, she slowly figured out and literally told me that she was telling him the most expensive things to buy her bc she really did have him wrapped around her fingers. And there i was just thinking she had an expensive taste. 

Then sadly, i ended up hitting the bricks and ditching town not but a few months later due to granddad-related situations. Shortly after that x-mas party we had where i was basically flirting with her the entire time as she kept making me her usual Dark and Stormy cocktails.

I really want to start talking to that girl again. She’s that type of friend you can just pick up without any of those years taking a toll. (Bc somehow an acquaintance i had in high school turned into a best friend that i was crushing on as an adult) I hear she’s still living with the weird lesbian coven and the incel is finally no longer an incel and has a gf and still THERE. (Plus, i think he finally started wearing deodorant. He smelled a lot better last time i saw him. His girl is doing him some good.) Anyway. I want in on that group again. It’s been too long. I need to talk to her at some point soon.

Anyway that was the unification via fuckboi. His ex-gf left the group and went off with a new fuckboi to Texas so who knows where she’s at. But the REST ARE STILL THERE.

I need to get back to my hometown already. I’m ready for a new bout of fuckery, this time excluding our favorite fuckboi. Well. Hopefully.

[kimmyiewrites]

All those things I didn’t say...

These words have been screaming at me to get out and I don’t think just writing them in my journal will help so if you read this thank you. If you keep scrolling that’s totally okay too. Needless to say this is gonna be a long post of feelings that I can’t post really anywhere else because I’m trying to respect the people in my life that I will be mentioning. Since I can count on one hand how many people I know in real life that knows about this space, this is where these words will rest.

In January 2019 I started to see a therapist. It was a long time coming because well, I’d been through some trauma I hadn’t dealt with properly. One of the things that helped me on my healing journey was sharing snippets of what I had learned and how I was growing on my lifestyle blog that I have over on Wordpress. 

I was going pretty regularly until about October/November of last year. We had hit all of my goals and I was ready to go out into the world and start settling into this improved me. Then 2020 said Ha! You thought!

First came COVID and because I was a non-patient facing employee (I work in healthcare by the way, oncology more specifically - that’ll be important for later) I was sent home for 3 months. I, of course, was very grateful that I still got to keep my job but I was also mourning the loss of normal, of human connection.

Near the end of March my grandmother went into the hospital for internal bleeding. On Good Friday, she passed away due to her congestive heart failure. It honestly couldn’t have been a better day for her to pass. She was a big believer in Jesus so it was only fitting that she died the same day he supposedly did. 

I got to post and be vocal about her time in the hospital and then later on my grief. I posted a memorial for her on my lifestyle blog and I plan on continuing to honor her memory in different ways. I’m so glad I got to have an extra 21 years with her because you see 21 years ago we were told that she wasn’t going to make it through the night but she fought hard and continued to fight. So while I’m relieved she is out of her wheelchair and walking around in heaven, boy do I miss her with my whole heart.

That’s sadly not where this story ends, however and this part scares me the most. My uncle, my favorite uncle in the whole wide world has been diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma and of course the type he has just has to be very rare and aggressive. He starts chemo on Wednesday and knowing just enough to be a little dangerous is pretty frustrating to me. He’s not receiving treatment at the cancer center that I work at and the one I work at happens to be one of the best so I know top notch cancer care. I can be an advocate and while we do like the oncologist (like there was even a sign at his consultation from my grandmother - the oncologist wore penguin socks and penguins were one of my grandmother’s favorite animals) I don’t know what services this other center offers in order to help him with the symptoms from the chemo treatment or to help navigate through this journey to get him well again because although it’s a rare and aggressive type it’s also treatable and can be curable. So that part’s driving me a little mad but I don’t want to bombard him with questions cause I want to help ease some of the stress, not add onto it. 

Now you see why I can’t exactly post anything anywhere else because then he’ll see it. By the way all of the emotions and back and forth and just stuckness I’ve been feeling now for the past month since his diagnosis is called anticipatory grief and it’s slightly different than conventional grief which is the grief I’ve been feeling since my grandmother passed. So I’ve been dealing with both types practically back to back and I just feel absolutely run over by a train while simultaneously walking a tightrope trying to navigate how to continue living my life after it’s been on halt, grieving the loss of my grandmother, grieving the loss of my uncle’s health while trying to be as optimistic and hopeful as I can. I mean the man has come back from near death before surely he can do it again.

If you’ve made it this far then wow, I’m actually impressed and just want to say thank you again. I also want to let you know that I’ve definitely started seeing my therapist again. I went back after my grandmother passed. I’m currently reading a book by Megan Devine called It’s OK That You’re Not Okay: Meeting Grief & Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand and it’s been weird navigating (like I said I’m working through 2 different types of grief at the moment) it but over all it has been helpful. 

Also if you’ve read this whole thing and have questions about mental health, therapy, divorce, rocky relationships with parents, setting boundaries, rejection, and grief, then feel free to ask because while I’m more than happy to talk to anyone about my journey. I’m all for normalizing seeking help for mental health and one of the ways to do that is to talk about it. My ask box and ims are always open! 

So there you have it. There’s my long ass post on my update to my healing journey that’s been dying to come out of me for a while. Basically I got to a good spot and then the universe was like alright now time to test everything you’ve done this past year but we’re only allowing like 4 months before hitting you with a shit ton to handle, good luck!