#but that I’d get a more hostile reaction if I looked male or confusing

[rotationalsymmetry]

I gots trans stuff on the brain.

I went to CLF worship last night, and the person who was hosting coffee hour went by multiple pronouns and specifically said they like switching it up, and that was very very nice.

I talked with my partner about maybe possibly someday considering doing the hormone thing.

I gotta figure out how to come out to the people I live with. (I am…extremely not expecting any problems here, just, how do come out? It hard.) And also at some point I should do a Facebook coming out.

[bonny-kookoo]

Remedy | JJK x Reader | 💜☁️🔞🤖

Pairing: Jeon Jungkook x Reader

Genre: Android!AU, Android!Jungkook, AI!Jungkook

Warnings: mentions of war, PTSD, Panic attack, confused!Koo, soft reader, like my god I just wanna put her in my pocket and keep her safe, aka that’s what Koo wants to do, protective!Koo, praise kink, unprotected sex but izz fine Kookoo can’t knock her up anyways, soft sex, it’s very soft ngl, there’s a bird, some sad Koo, kook cries here and there, comfort and rehabilitation

Summary: JJK, Or J-Jungkook097 was a tactical fighter-type Android, used in modern war as a simple weapon and nothing more. Now retired after serious injuries, he has to adjust to modern life outside the war zone or he’ll get scrapped; and that’s where you come in, a rare human being ready to take on that challenge.

"Ah, what a waste, really." A worker says, looking the body of the Android over. "You sure you don't want him?" He asks, and the older worker shakes his head.

"I can't let him around my kids by himself, and I don't want him to snap around my wife either. He's not suited for my home and family." He says, looking the male robot over, before he pulls out his phone. "I think I know someone who just might take him." He says, hurriedly texting, before he gets a call back.

"Huh. Is he factory reset, or still running?" You ask, as Seokjin connects cords to the back of the android's neck.

"We tried to have him reset himself, but there's been problems." He explains. "He told us he did already, but that can't be true since he'd need a command to do it- his model isn't equipped with those AI options. Maybe his memory overloaded and deleted stuff as a survival protocol, we don't know. He's a military model, after all, they didn't let us see his original save data- they just downloaded it and went their way, leaving him for us to dismantle if he couldn't reset him properly for a new system." He says, as you type in some stuff, before viewing the screen you hold in your hand.

"So he's technically still running on his original warzone-system?" You ask Jin, and he nods, sighing. You furrow your brows, and the older male looks over at your tablet to see what you're looking at. "Are you sure? This is.. his AI settings are all set to.. look at this; companionable, friendly, all his settings are set to a companion-android, not a fighter type." You mumble, confused by this.

"Wait no no no that wasn't like that when I last looked at him." Jin says, taking the tablet from you as he types in some stuff. "Huh. This is weird." He says, showing you something. "Look at the protocol."

You do. "Huh." You say, looking at the last line of code.

Last change made by: JJK_OSADMIN

"He changed his own system." You say, and Jin is standing up now.

"I'm taking him with me, I can't let him-" He starts, but you do as well, placing your hands ontop of the Androids chest as if you're guarding him.

"NO! I already signed, I own him- Jin, I have to look into this- and he's set to friendly, he won't get hostile that easily." You try to reassure him, and he sighs after a while, taking his jacket from the chair close by.

"Keep me updated." He says, as he leaves you be.

The Android still sitting limply on your chair.

"Alright JJK. Time to wake up." You say, closing the small panel before you sit in front of him, waiting for his system to run the commands you had typed in before unplugging him. It takes a moment, but there's movement after that; his body slowly starting to sit properly, muscles moving into place, and system running it's diagnostics to detect any change in hard- or software made. It marks down his eyes, the small patches of skin re-made, and that his body-liquids had been replaced.

He feels good.

His eyes open slowly, iris moving and focusing in Various degrees before they meet your form. "Hello." He simply says. "Are you my new owner?" He asks, and you nod, expecting that question. He's not been factory reset, which means even though his memory was scattered, and his system had been changed, he was still aware of everything vital. He nods, before he looks around. "I'm now supposed to run on the companion protocol, correct?" He asks, and you shrug. He's confused, as you suddenly smile at him.

"I don't know." You tell him. "Companion, Individual- what would you like?" You ask, knowing it will bring his current system to it's limits. He's not made to make decisions like that, and you think it's quite endearing to see him suddenly think like that.

"I.. choose?" He mumbles, before he looks at you seriously. "I'd like to be given a small time frame to properly research before I come to a conclusion." He says, and your eyes widen.

You look at him, still friendly as ever. "So, you want to figure out what you want first?" You ask, and he nods, a bit hesitantly. "Okay. Just tell me when you've made up your mind then." You say, and he nods.

"What are my daily tasks?" He asks, and you shrug again. "This is frustrating." He says, and you laugh at that.

It's weird to hear it. But he notes it down as a positive response from you.

"Just don't burn the house down while trying to cook or something." You joke, and he seems to take it seriously.

"Why would I set your home aflame while attempting to cook? I'm not even capable of either task.." He says, and you get up, grinning.

"Don't worry so much. Just properly charge for now- we'll see what's gonna happen as it happens." You say.

He nods.

Jungkook knows that around 75% of fatal accidents occur in a mere household. He also knows, that a regular home is the safest place to live. Yet there he was, on the floor, holding his ears as an attempt to block out the sound of his nightmares. "Jungkook?" You ask, as you turn off the microwave. He's still shaking as you sit down in front of him, close- but not touching, unknowing if he would react to that negatively or not. "Can you hear me?" You ask, and he hesitantly retracts his hands from his ears, letting the sound in again. The beeping of the microwave is now gone, only the soft ticking of your clock on the wall and the buzzing of your fridge remain. "I'm sorry that scared you." You say, smiling apologetically as he shakes his head, face serious. His eyes move frantically as they glow an orange hue, showing his system status.

"No, I should apologize." He says. "I don't know why I displayed this reaction to a mere household object." He admits, and you open the microwave to take out your meal, before sitting down on the kitchen floor. "You shouldn't do that- the tiles are very cold-" He starts, but you wave him off.

"Its fine. Both." You say. "You're probably still confusing some sounds and things with your past use as a warzone model. So it's normal- your system has to adapt. You have to adapt." You say. "We all need some time to heal after what you've been through." You say.

He sits quietly after those words, watching you as he goes through his research on you. You're a very unusual individual, displaying a lot of behaviors he hasn't seen before. You take care of everything with a sense of care that makes him come to the conclusion that you're probably treating the machines and robots like living beings. Such as the oldschool robot-dog that he's seen under your living room table. It's currently charging, but he's seen you interact with it- genuinely displaying happiness and excitement at the very basic AI of the pet-robot that's missing a leg.

Its broken, just like him. But you're taking care of it, just like you take care of him.

You're very caring with him, too. He's seen you search for skin patches that match his color almost perfectly, even though they were more expensive than the usual models found in stores. You apologize for 'hurting' him, even though it's sometimes nescessary to repair him. You ask him about opinions, and let him roam around freely around the house.

You're a very friendly person.

And he, unknown to you, starts to create new files inside his system.

You're not there when he wakes up the next day.

He scans the house for any movement, but there is none that would lead him to the conclusion that you're there. There's no sign of you, and he becomes frantic, suddenly.

If his system would've worked properly like it should have, he would've remembered that you had told him yesterday that you would make a small trip to the local grocery store around the corner. But his system isn't working properly, already displaying several scenarios of you getting hurt, or vanishing, or leaving him alone.

He’d seen it before, so many times, hell; he’d been the reason of so many deaths in the first place and it never bothered him. So why was his internal system going absolute haywire at the mere idea of something happening to you? It was to be expected really- with how fragile you are, mentally and physically, it was bound to happen at some point. So why, if he knew it deep down already, did it make his pulse race and his skin feel weird?

You’d told him to stay home, but there was no way he’d be able to let you out of his sight. Because no, there were no emotions involved; they’d been restricted for him at the beginning after all, he was simply looking out for you. Probably a bug, maybe his system thought you were someone to be protected, a new mission to keep him occupied, that was probably it. It wasn’t because you had been so sweet with him, it wasn’t because of how gently you were in correcting him whenever he did something bad, it wasn’t because you were an absolute divine being in his eyes.

“Kook?” You said, an almost painful huff of breath escaping you when he crashed into you, holding you, his arms squeezing you a bit and his face burying itself into the crook of your neck, every sense drinking you in, saving the proof that you were okay, you were real, you were completely fine. “I-“ you started, and his eyes ripped open, suddenly realizing that he may be hurting you. As if burned he reacted, hands hovering over your shoulders as he looked you over.

“I apologize, I’m so sorry, does it hurt bad-“ he spoke hurriedly, eyes already glazing over with tears he didn’t even knew he could shed. Why did he suddenly feel so upset? His entire system was overloading, tears finally flowing and disrupting his sight so badly that he didn’t see your face anymore; sending him into panic even more. “I’m sorry- I’m-“ he pressed out, but there was nothing working anymore it seemed.

Only a few minutes later did he slowly come back to his senses, first thing he noticed being the way you held his body close, softly speaking to him while you were petting his head. It was such a weird sensation, yet it somehow soothed his mind back, as he realized that you were both on the ground. He was way too heavy, why were you doing that? But when he tried to get up, you held him tightly. “Take a Moment, Jungkook. You’re okay, I’m okay, just a breathe, yeah?” You said, and he nodded. “Let’s go back inside then yeah?” You softly said, and he nodded.

“But you need to buy groceries. We don’t have sufficient stock of-“ he started, but you giggled, the sound something he knew he liked. He didn’t quite know what to think of his newly found preferences for things, but he simply let it happen for now.

Because liking you could never be a mistake, he decided.

He calls out for you one day, his hands holding something you can't see yet. His eyes are wide open, his optics moving around frantically as he calls again. "Creator, please!" He calls, as you finally spot him, walking over as he looks at you with a worried expression. "Please- I don't know what to do. She flew against our window and probably has a concussion- you can help her, right?" He says, and you don't get curious as to why he immediately knows the birds gender and diagnosis; he can scan the tiny body, after all.

"Ah, come into the kitchen." You say, and he follows quickly, still delicately holding the tiny body in his palm, careful not to drop it. "Lets put her in a box and a nice quiet place, yeah? She'll recover on her own probably." You reassure him as he watches you place her in an old box without a lid. "Put her where you found her, okay? That way she'll know her way back easier." You tell him, and he nods, determined, as he walks back towards where he had found the bird.

Jungkook, in a way, was slowly changing nowadays.

He was a curious being, always eager to learn about the most mundane things. True to his purpose he picked up on things very easily; learning how to draw and paint very quickly. He had recently gotten interested in a video game you used to play before your work took over your time- and you loved seeing him have genuine fun with it.

He wasn't doing things anymore because they were asked of him. Or because they were an order.

He was developing hobbies, you'd noticed.

Of course you kept Jin updated about all of these things, and he had been happy to learn that his reboot was going well- joking around that he was glad he hadn't killed you in your sleep yet. And while, at first, you were quite wary of him walking around the apartment, nowadays, you couldn't imagine Jungkook even hurting a fly.

Just like with that tiny bird.

He was a gentle soul, simply a bit clumsy sometimes- apologizing over and over after breaking your alarm clock once, the alarm setting off another one of his 'episodes'- moments of flashbacks he got from his past purpose in war. You had reassured him and had let him watch as you fixed it again, praising him along when he gave you the right tools.

Praise. That was something he seeked as well.

And it wasn't just that he wanted aknowledgement of his own achievements. It was more your attention that he wanted. He wanted to be around you whenever possible, even sometimes dancing around the topic of maybe sharing a bed one day- but he had also been wary of hurting you in your sleep, by rolling over or something alike.

Always so thoughtful.

But he would be able to hold you that day; when you had complained about being tired, he had suggested a nap to you. Instantly taking on that chance, you laid down, rolling over as he was still on the couch with you, already having laid down prior. He was unsure at first where to put his hands, until he decided to just go for the common human way of affection; holding you close.

And he made a note inside his system, that he truly deeply enjoyed the feeling.

He finds you on the couch, crying, after an argument on the phone. That in itself isn't the issue he's having, however- it's the sudden wave of protectiveness rolling over him, drowning his senses as he walks over to you, his orange glowing eyes now scanning your form. "What did he do?" He asks, knowing that it was a former partner of yours, constantly calling you asking for money. It's a bad habit of yours that you can't seem to say no; and now that you did for once, he had bitten your ear off with bad remarks and names you'd rather not repeat. "I'll hurt him, just say the word. He needs to feel the same pain you do-" He's shaking a little, you can see it now; his hands unsure where to place themselves, his eyes watching over you, his breathing a little faster. He starts again, and you put a hand on his shoulder to stop his words.

“Jungkook no, he didn’t hurt me in like, a physical way.” You tried to explain, tears now forgotten as you try to calm the Android on your couch down- still absolutely terrified by your state. “I’m gonna be fine.” You say, but he doesn’t seem convinced. Or is it something else?

“But why am I hurting?” He asks suddenly, and your eyes widen. Well, why was he? Technically he was capable of understanding emotions, that wasn’t shocking. What was confusing to you however was just how he was able to share your pain. And it was obvious he did; the way his eyes glistened and his body shivered, overwhelmed by whatever was happening. “Why does it hurt to see you hurt?” He almost whispers, lost with the situation.

Jungkook was indeed a very weird android- you’ve noticed that long ago already. He was emotional, sometimes moody, and slowly began to develop an actual personality the more he was living with you.

Something his model shouldn’t be capable of.

And maybe that should scare you- maybe that should worry you, maybe you should call up support for answers, but you don’t. You do what’s best for yourself and what you think is best for him in that moment; you lean forward, and wrap your arms around him. And it doesn’t feel at all like an android you’re hugging in that moment, because an android wouldn’t cry with you. An android wouldn’t hold you like this, wouldn’t tremble in your hold like this. It makes it easy to forget that Jungkook isn’t human.

And that in itself is absolutely dangerous.

Somehow, his system had bypassed the blockade to his emotional capacities.

He had noticed it ever since you had been out to restock groceries by yourself, but he had been a little unsure back then. He now knows, for sure, that something had happened.

It was confusing, to say the least.

So many things were somehow suddenly starting to fall into place for him; his favoritism to being close to you, or his system failing whenever you weren't nearby. It also makes sense that he's standing right in front of your bedroom door that night, knocking as you open it. He feels a weird sense of protectiveness seeing you tired and vulnerable like that, and he sits down on the side of the bed where you join him. "Is everything okay?" You ask, and he shakes his head.

Nothing is okay, everything is confusing, and he's unsure what to quite think of all of this. "I feel.. confused. Scared. There's.. fear, in me, boiling up and interrupting my thoughts." He explains, and you nod.

"Feeling is scary, huh?" You ask, as he looks at you.

"How do you do it?" He asks, and you lean your head a bit to the side in question. "There's.. so much of it. How do you.. separate it, keep it in order? Its all over the place, and it's.. so distracting. Its so overwhelming- I can't seem to calm down." He mumbles, serious face turning frustrated as his fingers play with the fabric of his pants.

"We don't." You say. He looks at you for a moment, before you continue. "We just.. let it run through us, I guess. If you don't, it'll make you sick after a while. " You say, and he looks at you.

"But.." He starts. "I fear I might start to display reactions a male android model isn't supposed to openly display." He almost whispers.

"You don't have to openly do it." You reassure him, placing a hand on his shoulder, before moving a bit, body facing him as you open your arms. "It's just me; and I won't judge. You can be whoever you want with me, Jungkook." You say, and he lays down next to you in your arms, momentarily enjoying the quietness and closeness of the affectionate gesture.

"There are no bad feelings, Jungkook." You tell him, and he listens, as he lets them run through him, just like you told him. The sadness, the comfort of your body against his, the.. adoration he feels towards you. Everything, even though it hurts him, physically, something he only ever thought was a artistic way of describing emotions. "There are only wrong actions." You say. "If you feel the need to cry, cry. If you're angry, scream, shout, or find something to channel that into. But if you bottle it up-" You say, "they will lead to mistakes. They will bring pain, and they will bring remorse."

His voice is strained as he talks. "But how do I know when to act on them, and when not to?" He says, and you chuckle.

"You'll learn, Jungkook." You reassure him. "You'll learn."

And he nods against your shoulder, before you can feel him shake a little less, quiet sobs racking through his body until his exhausted body falls asleep to charge.

"Remarkable." Jin comments, as he watches the lines and lines of codes. "He has started to self-code his own system. He's quite literally learning." He says. "All by himself. This is amazing." He says, before he disconnects Jungkook.

"He's still a bit jumpy sometimes, and the microwave is still his worst enemy-" You say, as Jungkook reboots again, eyes slowly focusing as they start to glow again. "But he really is amazing." You say, and Jungkook beams at that, proudly smiling.

It's rare for an android to display such emotions, and he's still often very much void of any clear visual feedback in terms of facial expressions- but he's learning, and he's evolving, growing, in a way. Seokjin closes the panel on the back of Jungkooks neck, as the android stands up to walk closer to you. "Jungkook." Jin says, and the android turns towards the young man. "Do you look after her well?" He asks, and Jungkook nods. "Make sure she stays hydrated during the day, yeah? I highly doubt she's told you she struggles with that." He says, and you whine, as Jungkooks head whips around, eyes scanning your body as he furrows his brows.

"Creator, you need to drink at least 2.5 Liters of water per day. It's vital for your health, which is already very delicate." He says, and you glare at Jin for telling him anything about that.

"I'm fine- and also, please don't call me creator. I'm not anything like that." You say, picking up the walking puppy-robot as Jungkook nods.

"What should I call you then?" He asks, and Jin perks up.

"Call her baby!"

"Jin NO-!"

"No matter what she tells you-" Jin says, holding Jungkooks shoulders as he looks at him seriously. "She likes it." He says, and Jungkook, serious as ever, nods, noting it down, as you groan.

"I hate you both!" You say, and Jungkooks eyes widen.

"You.." He says, voice almost not heard over the laugh of Jin. "Hate me?" He asks, and you immediately regret your words. Jungkook still hasn't figured out sarcasm yet- the entire concept still a little too complicated for his system to grasp, so you walk closer to him, holding his cheeks in your hands.

"No no no, I don't, I could never-" You promise him, as he nods with already glossy eyes. "I just said it as a joke, okay?" You say, and he nods again, biting his lip a little before Jin clears his throat.

"I'll head off now." He says, already putting on his coat. "Thank you for letting me see him- it's really amazing to see him grow like that." He says, and you nod, giving him a short hug before he leaves.

And for some reason, Jungkook feels jealous, watching you so close to him.

Jungkook is in love with you.

He's come to that conclusion all by himself, and he's proud of it, but he's also very unsure about it. He has done a lot of research, scanned every source he could find and validate; and he has found a new interest in activities humans do in relationships to show their partner love and affection. He's not stupid, he knows what intimacy is, and is also aware that he's capable of doing these things with you; but he's also a little unsure, if you'd want that.

After all, there's nothing he could give you.

So one night, he stands in front of your door again, knocking, as you open it.

"Do you think.." He starts. "I'm capable of love?" He asks, and you look at him. "Because I think.. no, I am very sure I love you." He admits, and you get up, but there's no stopping him. "I don't know what it's like for you, but I have observed my newfound emotions, and there's a pattern I've detected; whenever I'm with you, around you, whenever you give me attention, or when you touch me, theres always the same emotions involved; there's this need to take care of you, to keep you safe, to be close." He rambles, and you listen to him as he talks, walking closer to you as his hands find your shoulders. "There's this.. urge, to partake in human intimacy with you. I want to.. show affection the common way, like kissing you, or holding you, things like that." Your cheeks grow a little red. "But I don't know if you are experiencing the same things. My research shows that.. that we could only do these things, if it's the same for you." He says, and then, almost as if hes whispering. "Is it?" He asks, and you struggle to answer. "Do you.. feel the same.?" He asks again, waiting for you to say anything at all.

You stay silent.

Its a sunday when a letter arrives at your home.

When you open it, there's several papers inside; Jungkooks personality tests, official papers that make it possible for him to leave on his own. When he reads them, he's serious, as he watches you smile at him.

"Jungkook, this is great, isn't it?" You say, trying hard to not let it show that you dread letting go of him. "You can finally get an apartment- maybe make something out of your talents, and earn a living. You're free to go now." You say, biting the inside of your cheek as he looks at you with wide eyes.

"But.." He starts, softly. "I'm yours." He states, and you shake your head, swallowing hard.

"Jungkook no.. you're you. No one owns you anymore." You say, and he suddenly shakes his head, throwing the papers in the kitchen sink as he walks towards you, his hands on your shoulders.

He looks at you, serious, as his optics focus on you. "You were the one who told me that every machine should be treated with respect." He states, as you look away from him, his hands shaking you a little as he tries to get your attention back on him. "You said even we androids have souls." He says.

"I did, but-" You start, but he cuts you off.

"And if we do, if we really do-" He speaks, his hands now holding your head, his face drenched in desperation. "Than it belongs to you." He states, and your eyes widen. "It's yours." He repeats. "If having it for myself means I have to leave you, I don't want it."

"I don't.. want to take advantage of you, Jungkook." You say. "You're.. everything is still new to you, I don't want you to regret this-" You start, and he leans down.

"I won't. I've run every possible scan I could, calculated every possible outcome, you know I can't lie to you. I could never regret this.." He says, as he leans down a little. "Can I..?" He asks, and you smile, jumping over your own shadow in a way, as you give him a nod. "I.. can you.. say it?" He asks. "Just once?"

You take his hands in yours, as you lean closer. "I love you, Jungkook." You say, and he gasps, his systems going absolute haywire in the best ways possible. He's again filled with emotions, but this time, they don't hurt; they make him feel light, as if he weighs nothing, they make him close his eyes because suddenly even the slightest light is too bright for his optics.

"Again." He asks, and you comply.

"I love you."

"Again."

"I love you."

He sighs, as his lips finally meet yours.

There's no magical fireworks or anything like that- but Jungkook decides that he doesn't need these things. The feeling itself, the emotions flooding his body are enough to outshine any beauty of reality itself. There's nothing he could ever compare to this, he decides.

He's unsure if Androids have instincts, but in that moment, for the first time, he doesn't care. This seems to be one of those situations to let his emotions run through him, lead him, show him what to do, he decides. His hands roam over your skin, ears catching every sound you make as he moves on autopilot it seems. He's letting go, he's finally doing something he really wants.

And it's all thanks to you- you've given him the chance to be himself.

You've given him the gift of feeling loved, as he finally comes as close to you as lovers ever could; entering you carefully, senses on high alert as he feels your walls around his length. He had been unsure of why pleasure seemed to be described as fun and intimate, but now he can relate to these claims fully. He's so full of love, so overwhelmed, that he simply rests his forehead on your naked shoulder, eyes closed as he simply lets himself feel. He doesn't care about his whines and groans, only focusing on you and your body, on the feedback every muscle sends to his systems, enjoying the way you make him feel.

Its truly magical, he notices.

He doesn't even notice his nor your orgasm at all, but it doesn't matter.

Because at the end of the night, he finally holds you close. Not like before, but this time, as lovers.

"I've given her exactly 0.26 milliliters of a 1 to 1 water and fruit sugar mixture every day at appropriate times." Jungkook seriously tells the vet, as he looks at the bird on the metal table.

"I see. Good job." He praises, before looking at you. "A warzone-type?" He asks, and you nod. "Barely noticable. I have one too, that's how I knew." He comments, before he turns to Jungkook again. "I'd say the bird simply likes your company, Jungkook. She just want's to stay with you That's why she comes back." He explains.

"Like me and Baby?" He asks, and you giggle at the nickname Jungkook keeps using.

"Yes, like you and her." Namjoon says, utterly entertained by you and Jungkook. "So I'd say let her be around. She's perfectly healthy, otherwise." He says, and Jungkook turns around, box in hand, as he smiles.

It's quiet that evening, sun slowly setting and drenching the walls of your shared apartment in a golden glow. Jungkook watches your sleeping form, leaned against him on the couch, as he simply remembers all of the things he's experienced because of you.

He truly is a machine capable of love.

Because you taught him how.

[screamingatanemptyroom]

Please Fix the Story pt 3 - Zombie Apocalypse

The story continues. At least one more part in the zombie world before moving on to the next one. 

Part 1 / Part 2 Linked here. (If I get to 5 pts or so I’ll make a master post)

Enjoy!

_____________________________

“Why’d they let YOU in?”

An angry shout stopped us in our tracks as we reached the center of the camp.

I paused, smiling. Ah, the nostalgic smell of unnecessary internal strife. NOW it feels like a proper post apocalyptic story.  I raised a hand in greeting. “Hey there, kind and pleasant person, I’m Blaire!”

“Don’t pretend like we’re friends! You shouldn’t be here!”  The angry young man stepped closer, allowing me to get a better look at his face. His copper colored hair framed sharp, angular features, his brown eyes practically burning with rage as he tried his best to stare a hole through me. 

He seems familiar. 

Searching my character’s memories, I was finally able to place him.  Jason, the hero’s best friend, who had gone to high school with my character. Before I could celebrate placing his identity, however,  I felt a surge of deep terror flood through me. My heart beat wildly in my chest, a cold sweat breaking out on my forehead. I frowned, pushing back the feeling that weren’t my own, but those from my character.

It’s rare for emotions from the character to be this strong, even in the last world I was able to easily put away any feelings of the character I’ve taken over. Why is she so scared? I don’t see anything in her memories that would warrant her being frightened of Jason. And why is he so antagonistic towards me?

As I stood there, trying to comb through what information my character knew about him, he had continued to rant. “Eric, what were you thinking accepting people like her?!”

Eric sent Hannah away with a smile, before turning towards his friend with a tired expression. “They have extra supplies and skills, both of which we’re in desperate need of.”

“We don’t need HER!”

As they argued, Liam walked up to me, pulling an apple from his bag. “Want a snack?”

“Sure, these idiots might take a while, I’d hate to get hypoglycemic while they argue.” Before I could say anything further, he pulled out a knife and silently started cutting the peel off.

“What are you doing?”

“Peeling the apple for you.”

“Why?”

“…” He paused, looking honestly confused. “I’m not sure, but I feel like this would make you happy.”

I couldn’t help but shake my head in amazement. “I love apples, but I can’t stand the peel. How did you know?”

“Really?” He grinned, continuing to peel. “My support husband instincts must be kicking in.”

“You’re very… optimistic.”

“Thanks!”

I sighed. “Don’t get attached, Liam. It won’t end well.” I thought of the heart wrenching pain I had felt when pressing “No”  in the last world. That was just after 4 weeks. If I have to stay here years…

“It’s okay. I already count myself fortunate being your lackey.” His smile was bright, but his attention to the apple never wavered. “As long as you live well. I think I could die happy.”

I shuddered. The habit was just too strong. A character casually mentioning dying in a story…such a red flag. “Try not to die. Happy or otherwise.”

“Yes ma’am.” He saluted, his silly expression making me feel less tense. 

“Blaire! I’m talking to you!” Jason had finished arguing with Eric while Liam and I chatted and was obviously still furious.

I felt the same edge of fear from the character at the sight of him again, and pushed it back down with irritation.

“That must be so exhausting to be so angry all the time.”  I muttered quietly as I watched him approach.

Liam nodded. “No kidding. I think I’ll need a nap just from watching him perform.”

Jason stopped just a few feet away, sneering. “I don’t know what lies you sold Eric earlier, but don’t’ forget, I know the real you! You’re a rich brat without any skills! You’re deadweight to any group, just a worthless bit….ARGH!” He flew backwards as a mostly-peeled apple struck him in the mouth, splitting his lip.

“Oops. Sorry did that hit you?” Liam watched him coldly, not sounding sorry at all. “My hands get slippery when I hear pure stupid.”

“Is that why people around you tend to get hit with flying projectiles often?

“It’s a curse…” He paused, then looked mortified. “THAT WAS MY LAST APPLE!”

“It’s okay.”

“WHY DIDN’T I USE A STONE?” He groaned into his hands. “That idiot wasn’t worth losing your snack! Now you’re going to go hungry!”

“I’m fine…” I tried to comfort him, but he had already pulled out a walkie-talkie and was growling instructions in some sort of code.

Jason, on the other hand, was now pointing in shock at Liam. “You! You’re William the destroyer!”

“…” I glanced over at the man who was still panicking over his lack of snack options to offer me.

“What’s the leader of the Blood Wolves doing here?” Jason was now looking nervous, clambering to his feet and keeping a good distance from us both

Liam ignored him, continuing to talk on his walkie talkie. Shaking my head, I stepped in between him. “He’s with me. Do you really want to argue now about whether or not we should be here?”

“But… but…”

“Jason!” Eric had returned, a grim look on his face. “I told you to leave them alone. We’ll go out hunting for supplies tomorrow, they can prove their worth then.”

Jason’s expression showed his clear unwillingness, but he slowly nodded. “Sure.” Glancing towards me, he sneered. “Then I guess tomorrow we’ll see just how useless you are.”

“Did I step on your dog or something? Seriously, try to reign in the hostility there, buddy.”  With that, I turned and walked towards the empty tent Eric had pointed out earlier. 

Despite my casual tone and outer appearance, my hands were clenched at my sides, the fingernails digging into my palms to keep my hands from shaking. My back was soaked with sweat, an uncontrollable reaction from the character I had become.

What is going on? It had been a long timesince I had been unable to fully control my character’s emotions like this. I swallowed uncomfortably. The sensation  was unpleasant, a sense of incongruity between body and soul that I couldn’t quite overcome. It reminded me too much of the first mission I had undergone, the worst time of my life that I could still remember.

Waking up without memories, with no idea of who I was or why I was there, thrust into a romantic drama where my mission was to fulfill the role of a foolish, calculating villainous side character. Overwhelmed by intense love for the male lead and mind-numbing hatred for his heroine, I lost myself in despair. Later, I would learn to maintain my sense of identity. Even if I didn’t know who I was, I at least knew who I wasn’t.

And I wasn’t this character. A spoiled, angry young woman who thought the world revolved around her.

So why can’t I remember clearly? Not just Jason, even the events surrounding my character’s kidnapping and death were vague.

Something’s wrong with this world.

Sitting down with a sigh, I pulled out my phone.

“Let’s see how helpful this new ‘character description’ function is.” I typed in Jason’s name. After a moment to process, the phone’s screen filled with text.

Jason, the hero’s best friend and this world’s hopeless secondary male lead. In the story, he is shown to be in love with Hannah, but hides his feelings for fear of hurting his friends. He often supports her from behind, helping the hero rescue her during her frequent misadventures and kidnappings. Despite his devoted acts, Hannah remains blissfully unaware of his feelings, and treats him as a friend.

Nothing to explain why my character is scared of him. I grinned maliciously as I re-read the part about his unrequited love. “No wonder he’s so high strung. If he were nicer I might even feel sorry for him.”

Unable to control my curiosity, I typed in a second name.

“William.”

Character unknown.

“Hmm. Let’s try ‘Liam.’”

Character unknown.

“Blood Wolves.”

The most notorious and highly skilled gang in this story’s world, they often sell their services as mercenaries, and are considered a major power in the post-apocalyptic society.

I stared at the screen, even more confused. Such an important group, but the leader isn’t mentioned? Who is Liam?

But no matter how much I searched, there were no answers.

_____________________________

Shortly later, Liam called me out.  The smell of freshly cooked food hastened my steps, and I sat at a table across from Hannah, ignoring her wide-eyed look of fear at my approach.

“The others are checking the perimeter. Here, I made you dinner!” Liam placed a bowl in front of both of us with a proud grin. It was filled with a stew, with vegetables and chicken. Hannah stared at the food suspiciously, although I didn’t see anything wrong with the food. Carefully, I lifted a spoonful up to my mouth, my eyes widening with shock.

“It’s delicious!”  I took another few bites before pausing. “Where did you get the ingredients?”

Liam sat down next to me, peeling an apple with an affectionate grin. “My friends happened to have gathered some extra supplies and brought them over.”

“… You sent the Blood Wolves on a snack run?”

“What were they supposed to do? Let you go hungry?” He raised an eyebrow.  “They wouldn’t dream of it.”

“I don’t know how you manage to sound so supportive and yet so… ominous at the same time.”

“It’s one of my many talents, I’m so glad you noticed!”

Hannah watched our exchange back and forth, before looking down at the food once more. She seemed very hungry, but she still hadn’t made any moves towards eating.

“You should try it, it tastes really good!” As I coaxed the girl sitting across from me, I saw Liam beaming with pride.

“…” She stared silently at us both for a long few moments before nodding and taking a bite, her hands shaking and almost spilling the stew from her spoon. As she swallowed the food however, her eyes filled with tears.

Why do all the heroine’s I meet cry so easily? Maybe the problem is with me? Do I just not cry enough?

“It tastes so good!” She ate quickly, blinking to keep back the tears that were threatening to spill over.

Oh… so… happy tears? That’s refreshing. I patted her on the shoulder gently. “Not had a lot of hot meals lately, huh?”

Hannah nodded at my sympathetic words. “Yeah, Eric and James are too busy with security and supply runs. And I…” Her words trailed off.

Why hello there, mission opportunity!I rejoiced inwardly but kept a gentle look on my face.  “You what?”

“I’m weak… I can’t fight. I can’t even cook.” She looked up at me her eyes still wet with unshed tears. “I wish I could be scary like you…”

… Scary?

Liam laughed at my dumbfounded expression, quickly silencing himself as I turned to glare at him. Looking back over at Hannah, I tried to smile comfortingly, the expression stiffening as a look of terror flashed across her face.

“You want to be a well-rounded useful person? I can help you.” Not like I have a choice.

“Really?” Hannah clasped her hands together in front of her. She still looked frightened, but excitement was clearly pushing back her fear. “I really want to be helpful!”

“Really. Just come watch me tomorrow during the outing. I’ll show you what I can do. From there, we’ll come up with a plan.”

She now was smiling brightly, giving off the impression of a small, adorable animal that should be protected. “I promise I’ll work hard, Boss!”

She trusts me so quickly… no wonder she kept getting kidnapped. 

“Wait... Did you just call me Boss…?”

“One day, I pray I can be just as terrifying as you!” Hannah cheered excitedly. 

“…”

I feel like her motivation has gone in a weird direction.

As I struggled on how to answer her, Liam nodded solemnly. “It’s good to have goals, but you shouldn’t aim too high.” He handed me the freshly peeled apple, and continued. “No one’s as terrifying as your Boss. But with hard work and effort, one day, you can reach ‘lackey status’ like me!”

“Really?”

“Yeah!” The two high-fived as I watched on silently, feeling tired.

“… I’m going to bed.”

_____________________________

The next morning, we all headed out, running into a group of zombies, almost immediately.  We halted a good distance away to discuss a plan.

“Will it be okay?” Hannah’s face looked extremely nervous as she looked at the zombies in the distance.

“Don’t worry, I’ll protect you!” Jason smiled at Hannah, his eyes full of tender emotion.  “I promise, as long as I have breath in my body, no zombie will get near you.”

I still felt a small thread of fear running through me as I looked at him, but fortunately, it was much easier to control now. I rolled my eyes at his words. Didn’t the character summary say hehides his feelings? How is this subtle at all?

Eric stared at his friend silently for a moment, and then patted Hannah’s head with a sigh. “Make sure to stay away from the fight.” Loading up a handgun, he glanced over at me. “Are you coming?”

“Ha, bet you’re gonna run and hide, huh?” Jason glared at me, his face looking extremely punchable, forcing me to hold back.  

I sighed, admiring my self –restraint. “I’ll take the ten on the right.”

“There’s only fifteen!”

“Yeah, so we’ll split it by skill.” I turned back and grinned. “Ten for me, four for Eric and one for you.”

Pulling out my sword, I headed over, ignoring his stuttered complaints.

GRRRR.

The closest of the zombies was reaching out towards my head, several fingers missing from its hands, its half rotten jaw open, ready to bite.

I lopped it head off, knocking the body away from me.

IT SMELLS SO BAD!!! I had only been able to wash in cold water from a basin. I still desperately missed hot showers.

“Go Boss!”

“Yeah! Kill the zombies! You’re the best!”

Shouts from behind me caught my attention. After killing several more zombies I glanced over, giving out a loud sigh at the sight.

Liam and Hannah cheered off to the side, jumping up and down with excitement.

“Zombies don’t stand a chance against her!”

“Yeah! They’re toast!”

… I’m just going to ignore them for now.

In the corner of my eye I saw Jason struggling to defeat his first zombie, waving a metal bat but missing several passes. He backed up, putting some distance between him and his foe, and turned to stare longingly at Hannah for a few moments, before looking over to glare at me as he realized who she was cheering for. I smiled and winked, watching with interest as his face turned even redder with rage.

Feeling an undeniable urge to taunt, I called out to him as I continued to decapitate zombies.

“Don’t lose focus, little Jason! Or do you need me to help you with your one zombie too?”

“SHUT UP!”

“Try not to bully him, please.” Eric called out as he calmly dodged attacks, occasional shots ringing out. Each was a perfect headshot, as expected of the hero of an action novel. “Jason is sensitive to criticism.”

I nodded, kicking a zombie head into the air and batting it away with my sword, watching it sail away with interest. “Sorry, I’ll try harder to support his emotional well being.”

“Thanks!”

Having finished off our respective zombies, Eric and I high fived before heading back towards the rest of the group.

“Guys… I’m still fighting here!” Jason’s helpless cries caused me to pause.

I glanced at Eric “Will he be okay?”

“Yeah, he’s just milking it so Hannah will pay more attention to him.”

“And you’re okay with that?”

Eric shrugged. “Not really, but he doesn’t step over the line and extra hands are necessary, so I just ignore it.”

Is this a… reasonable male lead? Could it be possible?

“Okay, then.” I raised a hand, not turning around. “Good luck Jason, we believe in you!”

Eric grinned and called out behind him. “See you back in camp, buddy!”

“Boss!” Hannah ran up with a grin. “That was amazing!”

Liam stepped closer, handing me a thermos with hot tea. “I told you she was awesome! She saved my life, you know.”

I ignored him, turning my attention to Hannah. Time to make some progress on this mission. “Did what you see today inspire you?”

“Yeah!”

“Do you want to be helpful?”

“Yeah!”

Getting excited, I pumped a fist into the air. “You want to be strong and fight along side me?!”

“…” Hannah stared at me in shock. “What? No. Fight zombies? It’s scary… and kind of gross.”

I looked at her silently. “I… thought you were inspired?”

“Yeah! But not like that.” She nodded firmly. “I realized I was too eager when I wanted to be as terrifying as you…”

“HEY!”

“So I’ve decided.” She grinned. “I’m going to be a professional lackey, just like Liam!”

“…”

“…”

Eric and I sighed in unison.

Liam smiled, patting Hannah on the shoulder. “Now don’t look down on us weak and vulnerable support spouses!”

“You’re not even weak…and we’re not married...”

“We may depend on our stronger counterparts to protect our lives, but we can keep everything running smoothly so you don’t have to worry about anything else.” He looked at me expectantly. “How is your tea?”

Giving up on arguing, I sipped it, and paused, shocked. “It’s… amazing. How did you even make hot tea out here?”

“It’s a trade secret.” Hannah and Liam gave each other a thumbs up, as Hannah handed Liam a thermos, which he drank from silently.

We headed back to camp.

“I feel like we’re forgetting something.” I muttered as I sipped my tea.

“GUYS? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!! I’m STILL FIGHTING!” Jason’s angry shriek pierced the air, but no one turned around.

“I know what it is!” Liam grinned, cleaning one of my hands with a warm towel before handing me a freshly peeled apple. “Here, snack!”

“HANNAH? ERIC? ANYONE?”

I nodded, taking a bite. “That must have been it.”

_____________________________

A few days passed.

I tried again to convince Hannah to train to fight, thinking that combat skills would be the fastest way to  change her status as kidnappable dead weight.  After much convincing, she agreed to start training with me.

Unfortunately, the results were not what I had hoped for.

“OWW!” Hannah laid on the ground, staring up at me sadly. “I’m dying.”

“All I did was have you hold my sword. We haven’t even started fighting yet.”

“It hurts.”

“How did you even hurt yourself?” I stared at the small cut on her leg in consternation. “You only had the sword for fifteen seconds?”

Needless to say, the sword was confiscated. Strengthening exercises were meant with similar outcomes.

“How’s it going?” Liam brought me a bowl of hot soup, as I stared in disbelief at the figure attempting to do a pushup in front of me.

I pulled out my phone, glancing at the mission screen. The first completion bar for Hannah’s mission had been stuck at 10% since we started. “Not good. This is still her first push up.”

“Well, everyone takes a different amount of time…”

“We’ve been out here four hours.”

“Oh… how’s the soup?”

I sighed, taking time to try it. “It’s amazing. I’m still convinced you might be magic to be able to cook like this in the apocalypse.”

“This is just the beginning of my skills!”

I drank the soup quietly, staring at Liam while thinking.

“What is it?” He grinned. “You think I’m handsome and finally want to upgrade me from lackey to support spouse?”

“Who are you?”

My question was whispered, but he still heard it, a look of helplessness spreading across his face. This wasn’t the first time I had asked him this.

“I’ve told you everything, Blaire. I swear I’m not hiding anything from you.”

“You’ve told me everything you’ve remembered.” I corrected him quietly, turning away. Focusing my attention back on Hannah, I couldn’t help but feel discouraged. “This isn’t going to work.”

“You said you’re trying to make her a well-rounded, useful person, right?” Liam finally spoke up, his expression thoughtful. “You might be pushing her in the wrong direction. There are many different ways to help out, fighting is just one of them.”

“Yeah… but that’s what I’m good at.” I rubbed my head. “If I have to teach her other skills, I might not be able to.”

I had memories from multiple story worlds, but most of them required me to act as a brain dead villain, not staying long. Only a few provided practical skills such as the assassin guild story.  A sense of frustration filled me.  

“I can teach her cooking, supply management, and basic book-keeping.”  Liam watched me, seemingly worried. “And you can teach her your special skill.”

“Oh? What’s that?”

“Negotiation.” He grinned. “It’s amazing to watch you reduce that idiot Jason to an apoplectic fit every time you argue.”

I thought it over, a small return smile forming on my face. “I guess I have developed some good interpersonal skills. I once helped my brother overcome an obsession with behavior modification training.”

“You have a brother?” He asked, his eyes widening.

“In a different life.” I felt a pang of loneliness for the time I had spent in the previous world. I wondered if Adam was doing well. Looking back at Liam, I reached over and patted him on the head.

“I’m glad you’re here.” That I got to see you again. Even if you look different. Even if you don’t remember me.

Liam froze with shock at my touch for a few moments, before his face lit up with delight. “I’m glad I’m here too!”

I looked back down at Hannah, who still hadn’t completed her first push up. “Let’s go with your plan.”

Scratching the plan to make the heroine a one woman army, it was time to make her into an overpowered support character.

[thoscheitrashdhawan]

It’s Been A Long Time Coming - Tom Holland x Reader

PART 3 OF ‘BABY’ PART 1  PART 2

Words: 1,891

Summary: Now that you’ve left Tom, it’s time to forget him. Turns out that might be harder than you expected.

A/N: I’m honestly amazed by how much people have been loving this series, and how much feedback I’ve gotten! I’m not complaining,,, please keep giving me feedback I thrive off it. This one... it’s going to be interesting to see your reactions to it. Please tell me your reactions to it. Honestly, I’m super excited for you guys to read it. I do have a plan with this fic now, so I know where it’s going, but I’m only going to keep writing it if I have people who are still interested, so if you do want me to write up the next part then let me know! I hope you guys enjoy this!

You were free. Finally free of that bad relationship, and although you knew you should be glad about that, it hurt you even more than when you were around him. Most days, your thoughts drifted back to him, wondering if he was okay, how he was doing. It would’ve been easy to give in, to find him on social media, but you had deleted your accounts a long time ago, and you didn’t plan on making any more. If you made it that easy to check up on him, then you knew the temptation to talk to him again would be too strong. So, you did what you always did when this happened; you switched on the tv, laid on the sofa, and closed your eyes. 

After a while, you ended up falling asleep, and you saw him in your dream. It had been a while since the last time you dreamt about him, so it was unwelcome surprise. When you woke up, the dream was forgotten, but some remnant was left behind, because you found yourself wanting to go dancing. So, you picked out a nice outfit to wear, shoved your phone and keys into your pocket, and left.

As you walked into the old-fashioned dance hall, you felt yourself relaxing. It felt like home. It felt like everything you missed, and you danced there for hours, body swaying to the beat. Occasionally, people would ask you to dance, and you’d oblige, before leaving them a few songs later, and enjoying the time alone. Your eyes closed as you lost yourself in the music, and you felt a male hand grazing yours. You held onto it, and let the person pull you closer, his hands drifting down to rest on your hips as yours went up to rest on his shoulders. After a moment of silence, your eyes fluttered open, and you froze. Your breath caught in your throat, and he looked at you with an unreadable expression.

“I found you.” He finally muttered, and his voice was full of so many emotions that you weren’t sure how to respond. There was disbelief, sadness, excitement… but the one that shone through was hope. “I finally found you.”

“Tom.” You whispered, as if saying his name would do something. As if it would make him leave - did you even want him to leave? “How did you find me?” 

“I’m travelling the world again, doing interviews everywhere. I have a week here. And every night, I’ve come to this place, hoping I’d find you.”

“How did you know I’d be here?” “I didn’t. But I was hopeful. 18 months ago, we were here, dancing in this hall. 18 months ago, I woke up alone. I’ve been looking for you ever since.” He’d tried everywhere, searched any place he could think of. The first place was your house in Miami, and then your family’s houses, but you weren’t there, and they didn’t know where you’d gone. You’d told them you were safe, and you were living somewhere else for a while, and they’d accepted it. You hadn’t told them exactly where, but you’d mentioned the city, and they’d passed that along to Tom. He’d checked back in with your family a few times over the last 18 months, but after a while they started acting a little more hostile towards him. He suddenly got the feeling that they knew where you were, that they’d seen you again, and that they were simply refusing to tell him. So, he stopped calling them. But he never stopped searching for you. “I knew you lived in this city, at least. And I know you’re sentimental, and that you love dancing. I thought that maybe… maybe you’d come here. Dance, and remember your last night with me.” It was at that moment that you realised where you were. Unconsciously, you’d travelled to the same place that you’d last had fun with Tom. It had changed a lot, but it was still the same building. 

The two of you were standing in the middle of the dance floor, frozen, staring into each other's eyes. 

“I didn’t want to be found.” You whispered, and you could see the look of pain that flashed across his face.

“I know. But I couldn’t let you go. When your family refused to tell me where you were, I gave up hope. I tried to let you go. But I couldn’t do it. You’re my best friend.” You visibly flinched at the last sentence, and he spoke quickly, not wanting you to get upset and pull away. “But you’re more than that. You were always more. I thought you wanted me to just be your friend, so I never said anything, but I was going to talk to you about it the morning you left.” 

“Why then? We were ‘friends’ for years, why were you only going to talk to me about it then?”

“Because I heard you.” As he spoke, you gave him a look of confusion, and your heart jumped into your mouth. “You thought I was asleep. You brushed my hair out of my face,” Tom started, and you gulped as he gently reached out to tuck a long strand of hair behind your ear, “you got really quiet,” he lowered his voice to a whisper as he continued, “and then you said,” he leaned closer to you, his lips grazing your ear, “I love you.”

You let out a nervous breath, not sure what to say next, and rested your forehead on his shoulder, swaying to the music once again as you waited for him to say something else, yet also hoping he wouldn’t. There was a moment of silence as he moved with you, before you heard him taking a deep breath, preparing himself to say the impossible, like you once did in this very room. Except you had been saying the opposite. The revelation that had left your lips had only been uttered because he wouldn’t say what he was about to finally admit. And now, here you were, dancing with him once again, in the same hall, in a different outfit, waiting with bated breath. 

“I should’ve said it sooner. I should’ve tried harder to find you. But I’m here with you again now, so I can finally say what I’ve been wanting to say for the last 18 months.” Another deep breath, and then he whispered your name. “I love you too.” 

You knew your reaction was wrong, because there was something you hadn’t told him, there was a vital piece of information that he needed to know. But he hadn’t figured it out yet, and no one would know, so your right hand cupped his cheek, and you pulled him into a kiss. You shouldn’t have done it, you knew that. But when he kissed you back, you couldn’t stop yourself. Minutes later, the two of you pulled back, looking at each other in awe, as if you were seeing each other for the first time. Like it was the first night you’d met. And just like that night, the two of you danced, exchanging barely a word, just staring into each other’s eyes - maybe even each other’s souls, and for the first time, you knew how he felt. For the first time, Tom felt free, too. Free to feel how he did about you, and to express that love however he wanted to. A grin lit up his face, and it made you want to smile, too, as you pushed away the uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach. 

All night, you danced, the two of you feeling like you were the only two people in the world, despite the many other people moving around you. It was like you were in your own little bubble, and you both were wishing it would never end. But, as all things do, it had to come to an end. When it was dark outside and the music had stopped playing, Tom took your hand and lead you outside. You called a cab, and both of you wished that you didn’t have to do this; that you didn’t have to go your separate ways. 

The two of you stood outside, leaning against a railing in silence, him holding your right hand and running his fingers lovingly over the palm, when he suddenly thought of something.

“When I was searching for you, I asked everyone I could think of. I searched your name on the internet, and there was nothing. And you can’t completely erase your presence like that. You must’ve been doing things, being mentioned in other people’s posts. Why couldn’t I find you?” He asked, and you realised that you’d have to tell him the truth. Or at least part of it.

“I changed my name.” You simply said, and he looked shocked. 

“Why?” Just as you opened your mouth to answer, your taxi pulled up, and you jogged over to it, telling the driver your name and asking him to wait for a few minutes. As you turned around, you saw Tom following you, and you took a few steps towards him.

“I have to go home.”

“No, please. I need to see you again. I have to leave tomorrow, I’m going to another country. I can’t stay away from you for another 18 months.” He begged, and the pain was evident on his face. “Come with me, baby.” He quickly added, and, once again, it felt just like the first night you met. But things were different now. There was still something you hadn’t told him, and it meant that you couldn’t just run away with him again, no matter how much you wanted to. “Come to my hotel, and then tomorrow we can leave. It can be like it was before, but better, because now we know we love each other.” His hand reached out to grab your wrist, not wanting to lose you again. Not wanting to have to see you drive away.

You shook your head as the taxi driver called your name again. Except this time, Tom heard it. And he froze on the spot.

“I can’t come with you, Tom. I’m so sorry.” You saw the pain spreading over his face, mixing with shock, and all you wanted to do was comfort him, but you had to go home. You had to leave before you did something you’d regret. And as his eyes raked over your body, and landed on one particular piece of skin, it was like he was finally seeing you clearly. Maybe he’d noticed it before, and chosen to ignore it, wanting to believe it wasn’t what he thought it was. Or maybe he’d just been blissfully unaware, too in love with you to notice. But either way, it wouldn’t change what he was seeing. Tom dropped your hand and you sighed, fiddling with the wedding ring that sat on your finger. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s-” He gulped, wanting to be a gentleman, like he always tried to be. “It’s fine. I didn’t realise you were married. I shouldn’t have come.” 

“No, I’m glad you came-” You started, but his eyes found yours again, and both his expression and his voice were firm. 

“I shouldn’t have come.”

And with that, he left.

Were you guys surprised by that ending? I tried to drop hints (like he only ever held her right hand, and she was feeling guilty) cause I wanted you to be surprised, but not... too surprised. Let me know what you thought of it!!

BABY MASTERLIST

If you’d like to be added to the taglist then comment/tell me in your reblog or send me an ask! (Names crossed out wouldn’t tag)

‘Baby’ Taglist: @ivegotparticulartaste @brokenhearted-littlegirl @jennyparkerpizza @ballerinaphan @focusedqueensblog @littlebookbengal @edrahil-nargothrond @mindset-jupiter @a-dorky-book-keeper @frog-face-wolfhard @estate-euphoric @ad-iuficium @shitemylife @harrystylesdolan @thenerdiverse @ollie-october @greenarrowhead @lizzy077 @invisiblelakes @lost-in-translating @ooftherails @spookydreamermugroad @x-lunar-moon-x  @demonsintheair @hello-i-lovespiderman-blr 

Marvel Taglist: @avengersassemblee @peterpandco @tc5322

[rhysanoodle]

I Found You

Elriel Fluff

AO3

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Also tagging: @montherox @sncinder @rosehallshadowsinger @shadowsofthenightcourt @verifiefangirl @urbisie

Elain bolted upright, sweat causing her nightgown to cling to her skin. It was happening again. She could still hear the Cauldron singing sweetly in her ear as she shook off the nightmare. It had been a few weeks since she’d had this particular dream — being chained up by the King of Hybern, certain she was going to die before Feyre and Azriel had come to rescue her. The terror still clung to her at the memory of them both nearly dying in the attempt. Because she had been so idiotic and tried to chase after Graysen.

Elain had known he’d never really come for her.

But Azriel had. And he’d cared enough to risk everything in the process. The thought of his injuries still made her stomach churn, and she bolted for the bathing room, barely making it in time to relieve herself.

She sat there for a few minutes before feeling too caged in in the cramped room. She needed some fresh air, a distraction from the male on her mind.

She grabbed a cloak to shield her from the brisk early spring chill, ambled into the garden, and stared at the moon, heaving out a sigh. He’d been constantly on her mind for longer than she cared to admit. As much of a struggle as her adjustment was, he was the only one who made her feel truly at home. The only one she could completely open up to in the past few months since Hybern. Feyre was trying — she could tell — but she was always so busy with the rebuilding efforts that sometimes Elain fell to the wayside. And Nesta — well she wasn’t sure what was going on with Nesta, but she’d closed herself off almost completely from Elain. She felt tears begin to trickle down her cheeks.

Elain groaned, in the moment realizing that he was the only one she wanted to console her about her terrors. The only way she was going to get any more sleep tonight. One problem, though. She had no idea where he lived. Cassian had mentioned that anytime the two were supposed to sleep at the House of Wind, he subtly melted into the shadows and was absent for most of their stay.

Quietly, she unlatched the garden gate and slipped into the heart of Velaris.

Azriel was awoken by a loud banging on his door. Mother above. It was the middle of the night. Who could possibly have business with him this late? And how did they know how to find him? He’d intentionally paid for this apartment under a false name, wanting somewhere private he could retreat to whenever he needed an escape from the world.

Grabbing a dagger from his bedside table and barely remembering to throw on a loose pair of pants, he headed for the door. As he groggily opened the door, a hooded figure huskily murmured, “You’re a tough guy to find…”

Baring his teeth, he growled, “Who are you? Show yourself!”

As the hood slipped over her head and revealed her, Elain squeaked, “Azriel...” She took a step back, clearly a little confused at his hostile reaction upon opening the door.

He felt his cheeks heat as realization struck him. He’d been so sleep-addled that he hadn’t even recognized her sweet scent wafting toward him. “Elain,” he breathed, and swept her into a hug.

Without missing a beat, she crushed him back in an embrace. “I just had to see you. To know you were okay.” Her words were almost unintelligible. As he stepped out of her arms, he took a good look at her face, and noticed she’d been crying.

“I’m fine. Really,” her breath hitched, as she held her ground, face only inches from his now. Azriel’s logical side quickly lost the war raging inside him as he delicately brushed his lips against hers. She leaned into the kiss, and he lost control, parting her lips with his tongue, desperately craving more of her taste. She matched his intensity, crushing her lips against his and running a hand through the back of his hair, leaving goose-flesh along the back of his neck.

Az swept her into his arms and carried her inside. Once the door was closed behind them, he perched her in his lap. As she pulled away from him for a brief breath of air, he murmured, “How did you find me? Nobody knows about this place. Not even my spies.”

She flashed him a grin, clearly very pleased with herself for the accomplishment, and replied “To be honest, I had no idea where I was going at first. I just began wandering the streets of Velaris.” She gave him a quick shush and rolled her eyes as his face must’ve mirrored the horror he felt at hearing that. “But it wasn’t too long before I’d pick up a hint of a shadow moving here or there. They were all headed in the same direction, as if making their way back to some focal point. I figured the odds were pretty good they were rallying to you, and they led me here.” She shrugged.

He chuckled running a hand through his hair. Leave it to Elain to be so observant, so attuned to everything about him. A chill ran through him as he remembered the fact that she’d been on the verge of tears when she showed up. “And what was so important that you couldn’t wait until tomorrow to tell me?” he asked, absentmindedly grabbing her hand and soothingly caressing it with his thumb.

She blushed. “I had...a nightmare… And you were in it. I just had to reassure myself that you were okay. And...you were the only one I wanted comforting me.”

He planted a kiss on her temple. “I’m fit as a fiddle, dear. Although a bit exhausted. It’s been a rough night for me as well — though I’m flattered you cared so much about my well-being to hunt me down.”

They lay there silently for a minute before Elain let out a huge yawn. Azriel pulled a blanket over the two of them, and it wasn’t long before they both drifted off to sleep, not a single nightmare daring to make an appearance.

Masterlist  Next >

[reikiajakoiranruohoja]

The biggest issues in the Silent Hill movies

I watched the two Silent Hill movies back to back, and I wish to give my thoughts on some of its biggest flaws. Not Pyramid Head, not the change of the protagonist because both have been discussed heavily already. I instead what to focus on some core level messes.

1. People living in the Otherworld. Here's the thing, unlike in the movies, Silent Hill the town is still very much alive. People live there in relative peace. Sure, the cult exists but most townsfolk aren't hyper-involved in it. However, in the movies, there are people living in the purgatory part of the town. Why this is baffling, is that the purgatory part is exactly that, a place where you face your sins. Generally, time does not pass there for you nor the people you meet. Everyone is stuck in limbo. Not to mention, the purgatory is different for everyone, so what you see isn't what another person might see.

In the movies, people very much live in the Otherworld. They are in fact stuck there and have been for years. They are stuck in a monster-infested place that doesn't have food, water nor anything to sustain yourself with. They raised Vincent in this town. Not to mention, the rusty and even more dangerous dark world is a townwide event.

In addition to the above, the cultists who might have been born in the town don't seem to get why the nurse monsters are dangerous, trying to chase them off with cattle prods.

I'm not one to scoff at changes in adaptations, but the movies seem to have missed the point of the Otherworld entirely. Enough that its original purpose is lost.

Though I have to admit I'd love to read the lives of the regular cultists trying to live in such a hostile world. How'd they coped?

2. Changed roles and motivations for the main antagonists. My biggest gripe about the movies is the entirely changed character of Dahlia. In the games, she is very much a mastermind behind the events of the first game and affects heavily the events in the third game (from which the second movie is based on.) She is not a good person and in fact personally had Alessa AND burned her to birth the god of her cult.

In the movies, they went for a confusing theme of motherhood, so Dahlia's role was given to her sister Christabella. Dahlia herself was treated as a victim of the church. Not only does this make things more confusing (a clear foe vs one that is really more bark than bite), but it robs the story from its theme of family being people who care for you and not the ones that you were born to.

Claudia suffered even worse. Originally, she was a former friend of Alessa's who got left behind thanks to the sacrifice. A result of Dahlia's brainwashing and her own broken family, Claudia seeks to get Alessa back so the god can be born. As well as get her friend back, in a desperate attempt to find some comfort.

In the second movie, Claudia is a mother and sister of Dahlia and Christabella. Which makes her son Vincent Heather's cousin. Yay. Her relationship with her father has changed from an abuse victim to one holding power over him. What made her sympathetic has been removed entirely.

In both these cases, the clear motives and goals of the female villains have been changed in ways that only make the story needlessly confusing. Especially Claudia, whose goals would have been fairly poignant, as she is stuck in the past while Alessa moved on. Now, she is a cenobite and little more.

Christabella, Dahlia's replacement, is a very weak character compared to her. She is a religious leader and source of Alessa's suffering, sure. But her motives are shallow, literally grilling a girl alive because she didn't have a father. In a mining town, where there is always a danger of losing one's spouse. In the games, Alessa didn't have a father because it was literally the cult's god, and such did not care to get involved in her life. In the movie, who knows.

What makes Christabella even more shallow, is her lack of proactivity. In the games, Alessa was quite happy keeping Cheryl the heck away from Silent Hill, it was Dahlia who forced her to call Cheryl to Silent Hill. Christabella and her crew literally just try to survive in the Otherworld, they had no power over Alessa. Her reaction to poor Cheryl as well is strange, burn her again and then ....what? Christabella is reactionary and seems to have no goal outside survival and calling people witches.

Dahlia was a great antagonist because she seemed like a crazy old lady, but in fact, she held a lot of power and control while being only human. This made a good foe and allowed the story to use her influence to inform the actions of future characters. Christabella is simply an overtly religious lady with no further goals.

3. Overly complicated themes. (I am only going to speak about the first movie here because the second has no true theme.)

The core of the theme in Silent Hill the movie is 'A mother is a god in the eyes of her child.' Which, given the events of the first game, is a little ironic. I am glad they tried to make use of the switch from Harry to Rose, though.

What ends up happening, is that these themes are then clouded with strange choices by the writers. For one, the usage of Silent Hill 2 monsters. These monsters are coded as male frustration and guilt. Going rather poorly against the mother theme.

Another is the change from the cult from a pagan offshoot of Christianity to a Christian one. In the games, the birth and then burning of Alessa is the plan. One that Alessa stalled by creating Cheryl. They bought hospital workers off to keep Alessa's body in agony for years. The goals of the cult were very clear in the games.

In the movie, they burn Alessa literally because she doesn't have a father. There is no greater plan, there is no bigger goal than getting the 'witch' burned. In general, the witch angle is extremely dodgy, given this is still a modern town. Burning Alessa has no greater purpose or theme, it is just what crazy religious people do. Thus our antagonists are left without a reason to exist beyond the backstory. There is no push to get Alessa back, there is no goal other than survival.

The only thing that feeds Alessa is her revenge. That is her goal to get Cheryl to Silent Hill, to kill the cult and then be free. In the games, the Otherworld was punishment enough.

Where is the theme of motherhood in all of this? Other than Rose trying to get Cheryl back, the theme doesn't go into the cult nor the surroundings. Christabella might as well be a stranger to Alessa, Dahlia barely matters outside calming Alessa down off-screen. Where is the god a mother is supposed to be?

The cherry on top of this Jenga sundae is the fact that Alessa's powers come out of nowhere. In the game, the come from her father, therefore the witch and the Otherworld make sense. Not so in the movie. There is no explanation why Alessa lacks a father or has her powers.

4. Humans, humans everywhere. CGI is expensive, I want to note this before anyone else does. Regular actors are cheaper, naturally.

But Silent Hill is a very lonely place, as it is a realm of testing and challenge. You meet people there when the Otherworld chooses to let you (or they manipulate the otherworld.)

In the movies, there are humans a-plenty just existing in the hostile realm. In baffling places as well, like the sanitarium. If they absolutely had to have Heather groped, merely arms could have served the purpose.

Most blatant use of complete randos was the Mannequin scene, where there are two random women there for the sole purpose of dying to showcase the monster. Remember, people don't just randomly enter the Otherworld. Most of these people have been either trapped with the original cult or were -born- in the realm.

Looking at the movies, despite over 16 years passing, there are still enough people to glare and attack Heather in the town.

These are simply my thoughts, but I feel these are important in explaining why the movies failed as adaptations.

[rod00dles]

YGO Fan-Fiction: “HOOKED” Ryou/Jounouchi

©DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN YU-GI-OH! DUEL MONSTERS! IT IS OWNED BY KAZUKI TAKAHASHI! THIS IS FAN-MADE!

                                                     “HOOKED”

I like you.

His hands were trembling lightly. The deed was done; the message was sent. The nerve he had finally gathered was quickly falling, sinking his stomach with regret as the seconds ticked by while he waited for a reply.

"What. Have I. Done?" Katsuya breathed out. A low whistle sounded and his brown eyes shot over to look at the brunette across from him, whom was staring at him in pure astonishment.

"You really did it." Anzu awed. Her brows had disappeared underneath her bangs, "I can't believe it."

A nervous look passed over the blonde's features. "How do you think he'll react?" He questioned.

"To be honest?" She replied, "I have no idea." A frown formed on her lips as she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "Bakura's a pretty tolerant and understanding guy but this is foreign territory. Hell, I'm still pretty surprised that you like him and you told me a week ago."

"Why are you so surprised?" Katsuya countered with a flat look. In response, Anzu smiled slightly, stirring her milkshake idly.

"Well," She began, "I believe it's fair to say that no one really suspected that you of all people, batted for the other team, Jounouchi."

His face flushed a dark pink at the accusation and he stared at her with an annoyed look. "I already told you that it's not like that."

"Right." She snorted.

"Bisexual." Katsuya corrected, "Not gay. There's a difference and you know it."

Anzu snickered as Katsuya let a small smile pass over his features. Lately, he had been an absolute mess. Nothing more than a tangled ball of anxiety, as he uncovered his profound feelings for one of his close friends. There hadn't even been any sort of warning—it just happened. He found himself observing the albino is class one day and as he watched Ryou fend off his fangirls, a single thought formed in his mind:

Ryou was pretty cute.

As much as he tried to fight it off—and he truly tried—the thought had planted itself inside his head and developed from then on, blooming into something more complex and unfamiliar. The scary part was that he realized he didn't mind it so much. The feeling he got when he was around Ryou made Katsuya giddy. It felt so good to like someone so purely— it was something he had never experienced before. Is this the reason why all those girls confessed to Ryou?

The smile slipped off Katsuya's face as a realization came to him. "Oh shit." He muttered. Anzu blinked at his sudden shift in demeanor. Katsuya huffed out a breath as his brows furrowed. "He gets confessed to on the daily and rejects every single one of those girls." He squeezed his phone in his hand, as a sense of unease settled over him.

What made him any different?

"Woah." Anzu blinked, trying to calm the panic she could see stirring within him. "You're just riling yourself up Jounouchi. Relax." Her words had very little effect on the blonde. "Look. You had a reason for telling Ryou how you feel right? Don't lose sight of that reason."

"Right, right." He agreed then combed a hand through his bangs, pushing them back and holding them. "I knew that it was likely I'd be rejected but I still wanted to tell him. I don't expect anything to come from this." He pinched the bridge of his nose. "So why am I doing this?"

Ding

The melodic noise sounded and silence enveloped their table. Katsuya stared at his phone with a startled look before shooting Anzu a quick look then gazed back at it again. He exhaled and without a word, he unlocked his phone and checked his messages:

Excuse me?

Katsuya bit his inner cheek as he messaged back. I said I like u Ryou. More than a friend.

His reply was immediate. Are you serious?

Why would I even joke about this? Ofc Im serious. He watched the pending bubble appear and disappear over and over in stagnant silence. It was about a minute later that a he received a reply.

Wtf. Why?

Katsuya blinked in surprise. What kind of response was that? Why not?

There was no reply for a minute or two and Katsuya set his phone down on the table, his expression pensive.

"Everything okay?" Anzu questioned hesitantly. Katsuya looked at her, before sparing a glance at his phone.

"I… I don't know." He admitted. He drummed his fingers on the table. "He doesn't seem upset or mad, just…confused?"

"Confused? What did he say?" Before Katsuya could answer, his message alert went off. He quickly opened his phone.

Can we meet up?

"He wants to meet up…" Katsuya informed, eyes wide. Anzu gave a lopsided smile, "That's a good sign isn't it?" She encouraged. Katsuya looked at his phone before pausing.

"But where?" He drawled out quietly. Once an idea sprung, he quickly sent the text. Yeah sure. How about the park by the arcade?

That's fine. I'll meet you there. Ryou's reply came less than five minutes later.

"He's on his way." Katsuya relayed and stood up from the table. Anzu followed suit. "We're meeting at the park by the arcade." As they headed out the cafe, Anzu squealed and Katsuya jumped slightly with a look of startle.

"What the hell what that?" he demanded, staring at her with a cautious look.

"Me. Expressing my joy." she replied.

"What for?"

"The possibility that this could be something!" she exploded, "That's what's making me so excited! You and Bakura could be a thing!" she let a noise that resembled a cat being choked, "That is so freaking cute!"

Katsuya took a step away from her, "You god damn fangirl." he said dryly. "Tone down that crazy, will ya?"

Anzu sobered up quickly and cleared her throat. "How can I not fangirl? Literally the thought of you two being together is like, so satisfying ya know?"

"No."

Anzu huffed and followed the blonde as they walked. The park wasn't too far from where they were so they were able to walk there.

"What I mean is, is that you and Bakura go surprisingly well together." she continued.

"What kind of bogus crap are you spewing?" Katsuya inquired lightly. "We are very different people."

Anzu grinned, "True. But that's why it works. Think about it." she paused as they crossed a street, resuming when they reached the sidewalk.

"You're loud and Bakura is quiet. He's gentle while you're rough. You're obnoxious and he isn't."

"Thanks." Katsuya muttered sarcastically.

"What I'm saying is that you two are opposites and opposites attract."

"Not always." he countered, "Just look at me and Kaiba. Me and him butt heads all the time."

"There are two types of opposites. There is one that is chaotic and there is one that is harmonic." she explained. "You and Kaiba are the first one while you and Bakura are the other." she paused as she realized something. "Technically, you and Kaiba do attract one another since you never stop picking a fight with each other."

"What about me and Ryou then?"

"Well you guys are friends right? That proves your harmony."

Katsuya remained silent as they continued on. Soon they arrived at the park and Katsuya sat on a bench, letting out a heavy breath. He sat forward with his chin resting on his palm.

"I'm nervous." he admitted. "What if he reacts badly? Like 'end our friendship' badly? I don't think I can handle that."

Anzu rested her hand on Katsuya's head. She had remained standing while he sat down so she was taller at this moment. She gave a soft ruffle to his golden locks and kneaded his scalp gently.

"Try not to think negatively. Just try and explain the situation to Bakura, if you can. I can stay here until he comes, if you want?"

"That would be appreciated." Katsuya replied.

They waited for some time before Katsuya received a text that Ryou had entered the park and was looking for him. By then Katsuya had calmed some and gave the boy his coordinates. Anzu bid him farewell and good luck and took her leave while Katsuya waited. Not long after did he see the white haired male appear.

"Yo." Katsuya greeted once he was near. Ryou gave a small smile as he stood awkwardly, rubbing his arm. "Hi."

It was silent for a moment before Katsuya rolled his eyes and gestured to the bench.

"Sit man. I don't bite so don't act all weird on me."

"I know, I know." Ryou mumbled as he sat down. "I just…I'm still trying to wrap my head around this situation." Ryou crossed his arms loosely and leaned forward onto his knees, looking in Katsuya's direction.

"You...like me?" he started. "As in….?"

Katsuya's face flushed lightly, "Romantically."

"Ah…" Ryou already knew that but he still wanted to hear it be said; to confirm it. "...why?"

"Why not?" Again with the why?

"I just...never expected that you would ever like me. I mean, if there was a guy you would like, I would've bet that it would be Yugi and to some extent, Kaiba even. But certainly not me."

"Firstly." Katsuya started, a hand raised, "Ew. Yugi?? Kaiba?? What the hell? Yugi is my best friend—he's like a brother! And Kaiba is just—no! God no! Ew!"

Ryou laughed at Katsuya's reaction and relaxed slightly. "Actually you would be surprised at how many people think that."

"Who?"

"I do hear the girls at school gossip and whatnot. Some of the stuff they say is certainly interesting. Seems there are quite the amount of fujoshi in our school."

"But Kaiba?" Katsuya pressed. Ryou shrugged, "Some people take the hostility you two have as sexual tension."

"Oh god. Oh my god. Ew." Katsuya shook his head. "Nope. Stop. I'm done. I don't wanna hear anymore or I think I might actually kill myself."

"It would be most unfortunate if you did." Ryou replied easily with a teasing grin. "After all, I wouldn't get to hear why you like me."

Why did he always have to get flustered whenever this came up? Katsuya scratched his cheek. "I don't really know Ryou." he admitted. "I just do. It just happened."

"I don't understand."

"What I mean is...well...not exactly…" the blonde fumbled for a moment, looking about. "I like being around you. I like how nice you are. I like how you make me feel?" Katsuya coughed awkwardly. He caught Ryou's gaze and sighed.

"How can I explain something I don't even understand myself?" he inquired. "I like a bunch of things about you Ryou. Otherwise we wouldn't be friends. I just...like even more, ya know?"

Ryou gave a puzzled look with a tilt of his head. 'God he was so cute.' Katsuya thought.

"Like for example: I like that cute look you get when you get confused. Or how you look when you smile. Or how sleepy you are in math class but you try to stay awake so the teacher won't throw chalk at you."

Ryou blinked in surprise. "You noticed?"

Katsuya scoffed, "You were trying to hide it?" he teased. The look sent his way made him smile. Ryou was caught off guard by the expression. It was a normal look Katsuya had given him many times before but now Ryou noticed something different about it. A strange sense of endearment was attached to it now that he looked closer. As he stared into Katsuya's honey colored eyes, Ryou felt his face heat up. How long had he never notice?

"Alright." Ryou spoke, "You like me. Now what?"

Katsuya blinked, "Well nothing I guess."

"Nothing?"

"To be honest, I didn't necessarily have an after goal. I just...wanted you to know." he explained, "I didn't think anything would come of this which is why I'm not asking you anything because I know you would reject me. So it's cool." Katsuya gave a small smile.

"What makes you so sure that I would reject you?" the questioned was murmured quietly, almost shyly and Katsuya blinked. Almost instantly did his eyes widen once he realized what was said.

"What makes me any different than any other girl that asks you out on the daily?" he swallowed. Ryou looked at him squarely despite how red his face was getting. "Well for starters? I know you already." he spoke. "So you already have that going for you."

"Wait." Katsuya breathed, "So you—wait." he held his hand out in emphasis. "Are you telling me, that if I were to ask you out right now that I wouldn't be rejected? Is that what you're saying?"

"I wouldn't be opposed to the notion..." Ryou murmured as he fiddled with his sleeves. Katsuya couldn't stop staring in astonishment. He couldn't believe what he was hearing! He was fumbling as nervous laughter bubbled in his throat. "Well I can't really do much if you don't feel the same, now can I?" he stated airily. Ryou remained silent after that and the blonde waited with bated breath.

"Maybe so…" Ryou finally spoke. "…how about we try it out?"

"Try what out?"

"Let's...try dating." Ryou's face tinted pink. Katsuya's jaw dropped.

"Dating? As in, the two of us?" he pointed at Ryou then to himself. "You and me?"

"You and I." Ryou corrected. "And yes. Isn't that what you want?"

"What I want?" Katsuya sobered up. "What about you? Is this what you want?"

Ryou leaned back against the bench, hands folding in his lap. He looked up at the sky and let out a quiet breath.

"How about we make a deal?"

"A...deal?"

"A deal. At the moment, I see you as a very good friend to me." Ryou looked over to Katsuya as he said this. "However, I am not opposed to the idea of being in a romantic relationship with you. In fact, I am actually quite curious as to what it would be like." Ryou voice grew timid as he said the last part.

"Curious." Katsuya grunted. "You're curious."

"You say you like me and I was wondering if I may be able to return your feelings if you were put under a different light." he explained. "All I am suggesting is that we try dating each other and if it doesn't work out between us then we go back to being friends. Is that okay?"

"So what you're telling me is that you want to try dating me to figure out your feelings for me? And if this doesn't work out then we go back to normal?" Ryou nodded hesitantly. Katsuya stared at Ryou for a few moments in silence as he contemplated the situation.

"You can also decline the entire offer, you know?" Ryou said gently. Katsuya looked at him in slight surprise before he pulled his thoughts together. That sealed the deal for him and he made his decision. Ryou wasn't doing any harm. He was just curious. Besides, if it didn't work out then they could just drop it and return to being friends right?

"Sure." he finally said with a shrug. "Why not?"

Ryou blinked in surprise and Katsuya smiled warmly. "Starting now I guess we're officially a couple huh?"

Ryou let out a relieved laugh. "I suppose so."

[chaos2go]

metroid-tamer replied to your post: TWO THINGS: 1 - When you’re really proud of a...

I DEMAND TO KNOW ABOUT 2.

Two isn’t important yet. But since you really want to know to the point of demanding... 

it involves Zahir. And Deimos. And I say what I did because I don’t know what Deimos’ actual sexual preference is but I’d like to imagine they’re more seeking friendship to relationship.

Deimos would actually have the patience to deal with Zahir too. I mean, they are passive and don’t really jump in on things. At times Deimos can seem pretty uninterested in things whether or not they mean it. That’s where a lot of hostility came from with their knight too honestly. The lack of reaction. The opposite side of that being the scowling and anger towards the “spears are useless” and “you can’t become a knight” given like and goal. But back to Deimos. Just really they’re not one to show a lot of emotion unless you’re a friend or know them well enough. Once known, a more talkative side does show up and they aren’t quite as passive at showing emotion. In fact, they like to pick on people and confuse them just to see how they’d react. All in good fun though. Not in a pun or joke way though. They’d also give compliments they think people deserve that they don’t get too. And I’m sure you know people like that (being they take a while to open up despite looking really super disinterested). I probably did a shit job of showing this in their app.

My thoughts with the pairing pretty much end up going with how Deimos is relaxed and passive. Zahir would be bothered by it given she is Zahir. She would often feel she would be making an ass of herself and apologize while Deimos would just be all “Okay”. Pretty much they’d get used to Zahir before Zahir got used to them. When Deimos finally started to show a better side, they’d actually be the one on the offensive end by giving compliments. They’re usually not one to offend by accident but everyone by now knows it’s easy to with Zahir. They’d be a little thrown off and actually want to try and understand. Which pretty much I just imagine Zahir enjoying having someone like that as a friend in general. I mean Ellise listens to her from what we established and all too but I do think Deimos would actually find it intriguing in a weird way that Zahir has some of the issues she does? And want to help? Like just a little challenge to try and help someone with something they think they shouldn’t have a problem with. Not that they’d be pushing it but trying to help Zahir build around it. This would be over years too mind you. MAYBE DEIMOS WOULD EVEN BE A KNIGHT.

More or less the idea from there is just that they learn a lot about each other and become good friends. There are of course hiccups in the friendship and such but beeeh. I’m not sitting here going through everything detail for detail. Zahir gets someone to lean on and Deimos learns that being so gung-ho about their passions aren’t that bad, just the rivalry aspect and competition part. They both can be dorks together honestly. And I kinda like the aspect too that my silly desire for Zahir to learn more about her octorok thus leading to tiny monster training things (I still stand by a monster rancher of chuchus and octoroks XD) means Deimos can learn a bit too. Since they want to help people not be dumb dumbs. So you get a knight (maybe) and a former ranch hand trying to do a stupid thing together with monsters and yeaaaah. BIG DORKS. Or Dirks as I wrote. I have no idea what that means. Things happen and they get together.

The big problem? I have no idea what Deimos’ sex is too. I haven’t decided. I am leaning male (and not because of this) but because I feel like I need a definitive answer given group :/ And not just because we need more guys. Because one day someone is gonna ask XD Overall it isn’t important. Zahir isn’t into girls but if I do go female, well platonic at the least : P

JUST LET ME HAVE MY STUPID THEY ARE SUPPORTIVE COUPLE IDEA THOUGH. Because maaan I just am all up for the idea of Zahir being all cuddly and “wait am i doing this right? I’m sorry i’m just aaaaahhhhhh” thing XD Still super awkward but Deimos just doesn’t care. And just not a sexual couple. DOES THIS MEAN THEY WOULD HAVE KIDS? That’s jumping the gun. On both adoption and other ways.

I’d still much rather pair Zahir off with someone else tho Deimos too. But UGH

[invisible-mirror]

Sooo this is normally a thing I would work through in a private journal, but I deleted my LJ not long ago, so I'm gonna post it here. Feel free to engage or not.

I got on the subject of transgenderism the other day, and surprised myself by going into a bit of a rant. Let me preface by saying I support trans people's rights to undergo surgery or hormonal therapy, change their pronouns, choose which bathroom fits them better, etc. It's no skin off my back, and it clearly means a lot to them, so it'd be pretty boorish of me not to let them have it. But this conversation I had recently led me to realize that, on an emotional level, I seem to feel there might be some skin off my back after all. That's okay, though, I can work through my feelings like a rational adult, watch and see.

My rant, once I'd backed off enough to fully analyze it, boiled down to two root causes:

1) My BS meter going off. I'm sorry, I am WORKING on recalibrating the thing, that’s the point of this post. But it’s a process. Telling me that someone who was raised male and looks like a male "is actually a woman" or vice-versa evokes the same instinctive gut reaction as telling me "This Jackson Pollack painting is a masterpiece that represents the human condition." I'm sorry, maybe that's what Pollack was aiming for, but I'm like 90% sure he secretly tripped over a row of paint buckets and then sold the dropcloth. It's a reaction that says on a barely-conscious level "That can't possibly be right, the physical evidence contradicts it" and follows up with "If that's not right, it means you aren't telling me the truth. You're trying to gaslight me and wow that's rude, how stupid do you think I am." In the presence of an actual trans person (I've met a couple), it's easy to take them as an individual and accept that they're not personally trying to gaslight me, they really do simply prefer certain pronouns, and I can apply the directive in my opening paragraph (don't be a boor) without any trouble. But in the abstract, the prospect of nodding along to the statement "If you say you're a woman, then that makes you a woman regardless of any other factors whatsoever" triggers a chorus of How stupid do you think I am​? that only gets louder in self-defense when you try to shout it down.

2) While I can't technically deny the existence of sex-based differences in brain structure and function, I can (and have on occasion been known to) vehemently declare that my "female brain" even if I have one does not in any way control my destiny, these are not the gender stereotypes you're looking for, move along and freaking give me the goddamn STEM job with equal pay already. So it hurts, a little, when I look at someone like Caitlyn Jenner posing in her white corset because her female brain simply couldn't go on without a pair of breasts in a corset, I mean, those female brains and their obsession with body image, what are you gonna do. And I KNOW, I understand that gender dysphoria is much more serious than your run-of-the-mill teenager wishing she had a bigger cup size, and that there are male brains who equally feel they can't go on without flat chests and facial hair, so it's not necessarily a sexism thing. I just really wish there were a way to avoid the implicit message I see in media/dialogue surrounding trans issues, in which the definition of woman = person who wants to look feminine and nothing else matters. Because if that's woman then frankly I don't want to be one, and I was here first so buzz off.

TL;DR My current understanding of transgenderism threatens my self-identification as a Smart Person, first by questioning my perception of reality and then by hinting that perhaps Real Smart People don't actually have the same kind of brain as Real Women, and I can't be both. These are my issues. Interesting.

So I did some reading. And came away with the points summarized below, now with 200% more analogies:

1) Here is a fantastic blog entry on semantic categories:

https://slatestarcodex.com/2014/11/21/the-categories-were-made-for-man-not-man-for-the-categories/

It's very long, but it stole my heart a few paragraphs in with the mental image of King Solomon and a time-traveling biologist arguing about genetics. The transgenderism bit starts in Part III. And I fully understand the argument. There is no natural law stating that society can't redefine the words "woman" and "man" to mean whatever we darn well want them to. My hangup is actually mentioned in the blog entry's analogy, but glossed over—it's where Solomon says "I understand why you need a word to categorize creatures that are genetically mammalian, but find your own word, because my word already has a definition and it does not include whales." Put less combatively, I'll grant that we have conceptual use for a category that includes both cis women and trans women (the reason that comes to mind being that unfortunately we live in a society where we still have to deal with gender stereotypes, so everybody likes being able to succinctly say “People I stereotype as XYZ”... but someone who's thought about this more than I have can probably come up with a more charitable interpretation). But we also have conceptual use for a category that includes cis women only—for example, doctors determining whether one is at heightened risk for certain diseases, or someone determining whether a conversation partner is likely to be interested in a discussion about their birth control pill side effects. If we wanted to do this semantics thing right, then, we'd invent two separate words. Which I am 100% in favor of. But instead we seem to be taking all the words (woman, female, etc.) that used to mean #2 and decreeing that every one of them now means #1 instead. This doesn't close a lexical gap, it only shifts the gap from #1 to #2, AND it induces confusion (and hostility) because some people use the words to mean #1 but others assume that they still mean #2.

I suppose if "ciswoman" ever enters everyday usage for a majority of the English-speaking population, that could qualify. "Cis" probably isn't used as a slur outside of Tumblr, right? I could get behind that. "Woman" for the fuzzy general category of "people who are similar in some particular ways but not necessarily all of them," kind of like how bowling is a sport even though there’s no running and track is a sport even though there’s no ball. And we can use "ciswoman" for medical forms and also to reassure people like me that nobody's trying to gaslight us into believing that bowling and track are two different names for the same sport.

I went with the sport analogy because it more directly expressed my concern--that I can’t name anything I have in common with Caitlyn Jenner yet we’re supposed to share a category. But I ALMOST used an analogy about how tomatoes are biologically fruit yet we classify them as vegetables, and nobody seems to care. I actually really like this one. Has it been used much? I wonder how it would play with the whole “Men have XY chromosomes and women have XX, end of story” crowd.

2) Someone on Reddit made a compelling point, backed up by others (side note: r/CMV is a great place for intelligent discussion, whodathunk?) that for transgendered people (we'll stick with women as an example) who have decided they want to present as female, gender stereotypes can be used an effective weapon by which to fend off misgendering. They're not thinking "My female brain compels me to wear nail polish because that's how female brains work." It's more like "People keep insisting I'm a man, so I need to prove them wrong by behaving like the femalest female to ever female. What does that even mean? Well luckily, my culture has provided a convenient list of behaviors that it thinks are especially female, so I'll start with those." It's like how I was free to grow my hair long and wear pink glasses frames after I'd been accepted into an engineering school, but not before. You need the signals for your chosen category to outweigh the signals for categories you don't want, and sometimes that means artificially manipulating your own signals.

So from that perspective, it's a survival strategy. Trans women aren't trying to force all women back into the old gender pigeonholes; they're using the pigeonholes as bases to avoid getting tagged out of the game. Which means preventing the rest of us from dismantling the pigeonholes entirely, which is annoying because some of us would rather picnic than play baseball for either side... and this analogy has officially contorted beyond recognition, hasn't it. The upshot is that even when a system could use serious change, sometimes you need to play by the rules of the system in order to achieve a short-term goal that's more urgent to you personally. Lord knows I've used that excuse myself.

I still can't wrap my head around why anyone would care about being called female by others if it's not about the stereotypes/cultural baggage that comes along with the word. Gender dysphoria, yeah yeah, but then I start reading somebody's argument that not all trans people experience dysphoria and I am nowhere near being able to touch that, so I won't try. What I can do is assume that since it's not about stereotypes, there's a good chance that I would not emphatically disapprove of whatever it winds up truly being about. And I can operate under that assumption until proven otherwise.

This concludes my self-assigned transgenderism research project.

[preserving-ferretbrain]

Rapetastic

by Wardog

Friday, 02 January 2009

Wardog rambles about Twilight.

Look, there's no way of saying this gently, but Twilight (the movie) is awful. It's just awful. It's so badly paced, it's actually boring a lot of the time. And when you stop and think about it for half a second you realise that it's stupid and, potentially, offensive as well. But that's Meyer's fault, not the film's. But, still, like the book to which it is almost co-dependently true, there's something about it that makes it ... addictive, in the most tepid, bloodless way possible. Like ready salted hula hoops.

But what the Twilight movie does exceptionally well is capture the atmosphere and preoccupations of the book. The lingeringly dreary tale of Bella Swan falling for Edward Cullen, the biggest vampiric pussy ever to grace the pages of romantic fiction, is re-created with all the intensity of the original, and told without a glimmer of humour or self-irony. Which, remarkably, works in its favour - since a sense of self-irony is something that develops after being a teenager has already fucked you up beyond redemption.

So in terms of fidelity to the original, it is, at least, well done. The Cullen clan are all spot on, especially Alice (although Jasper looks lobotomised a lot of the time). And the guy playing Jacob - who I always preferred to Edward although I understand Meyer psychos him up in later books - is, true to form, hotter than Edward, much as I love Robert Pattinson. The two leads have impossible tasks but somehow they manage to imbue their lingering looks and clunky dialogue with some sense of conviction - I thought they were both nuts but I believed in their nuttitude.

But let's face it here, there's no way this review can ever be fair (or even a review) because Twilight isn't aimed at me. Far more interesting than the film, to be honest, were the reactions of the audience. It was comprised mainly of teenage girls, who shrieked, sighed and swooned their way through it, and their long-suffering kid brothers who couldn't contain their utter contempt for everything that transpired, occasionally bursting into uncomprehending, hysterical laughter or expostulating "dude! This sucks!" in tones of utter despair. As I left I ducked into the lady's toilets and was thus subjected to a barrage of high-pitched enthusiasm about the gorgeous Edward Cullen and the romance of it all. Waiting outside, my companion in being grown up enough not to get it, overheard two boys as they left:

First boy: That was the worse film, ever!

Second boy: That's the last we ever see a chick flick.

Oh bless. But then Twilight wasn't for them either.

I reason I quite enjoyed Twilight when I read it was because I gave it too much credit and thought it was an allegory. I've always really like paranormal teenage stuff. It makes perfect sense to me. I mean when you're between the ages of 13 and, well, 27, attractive members of the opposite sex do seem like these impossible, unknowable, unattainable creatures so they might as well be vampires or werewolves or vampirates (okay, maybe not vampirates). And since a large part of growing up is getting to grips with a world both hostile and full of secrets people won't tell you, again, it makes perfect sense for those secrets to be "there are vampires in it". And since you're undergoing a horrific process of unstoppable uncontrollable change that you both want and don't want, why shouldn't it be represented by discovering that you're also the High Queen of Faerie, or a Vampire Slayer, or whatever? And, finally, of course there's the problem of sex - its dangers and attractions are beautifully encapsulated by the dangers and attractions of supernatural power, manifest either in others of yourself. That it articulated these ideas so clearly, so cleverly and so wittily is one of the (many) strengths of early season Buffy.

Unlike Buffy, Twilight is not knowing. But it is terribly terribly serious and that's why it works. Teen crushes and love affairs (to be honest, crushes and love affairs in general) are rarely humorous to those involved: unrequited love is the most painful of adolescent experiences and your first taste of romance the most intoxicating. And although when you look at Edward Cullen with the eyes of an adult you see an obsessive, domineering, disempowering, semi-misogynistic nutjob, when you look at him with the eyes of a teenager, he's utterly, profoundly desirable. His whole world is Bella - because he never sleeps, he can literally spend every hour of every day either with her, watching her or thinking about her. He has no life and no interests outside her - for the rest of us that alone cries out "restraining order", for a teenager (to make this less patronising, I'll say, for my teenage self) the idea of someone being completely bound up in you is breathtakingly romantic. As a teenager, you are still semi-dependent upon various authority figures (school, parents, etc. etc.) and very probably highly uncertain in yourself - thus the idea of another person needing you for anything cannot fail to be appealing. Again, I'm making a lot of generalisations about The Way Teenage Girls Feel here, but I associate my own teenage years with confusion, helplessness and a fair quantity of misery. Quite frankly, I wanted an Edward Cullen - because I thought that through the value given to me by another I could learn to value myself. Feeling incomplete, because, quite frankly, I was, I was searching for romance to "complete" me. That real loves exists only between two fully self-actualised, functional and capable human beings is something one learns only in later life.

What I'm trying to say here is this: it's theoretically okay to like Twilight. I even believe it performs a useful function: rarely are these private ideas and desires as well-realised as they are in Twilight. It's nice to have someone stand up and say "yeah, sometimes girls want this"; unfortunately, where it becomes problematic is that it never acknowledges its own status as fantasy and it never grows up. Now, I read a lot of a romance so I'm quite happy with fantasies progressing down whatever path they happen to progress - the alpha male may not appeal to me personally but I'm capable of recognising that it's perfectly acceptable to fantasise about having a domineering man with storm grey eyes who is secretly in love with you but doesn't know how to express it fling you down across the bed and have awesome sex with you until you get to like it. Women are very capable of recognising that when they want flinging it's on their own terms and that a man who behaves like an attractive asshole in a book may not be so attractive in real life. I like romance because it's such a grown up genre: it's a safe space where we get to shrug and let ourselves get swept away in what could be a rather politically incorrect fantasy and nobody accuses you of being too dumb to be able to tell the difference.

Because, as I have said, that Twilight isn't knowing, its status as a fantasy becomes problematised. Basically there's no acknowledgement that it is one; there are elements of the fantastic, gorgeous vampire falls for everygirl etc, of course, but the book never invites us to question their relationship. And, really, given its nature, we should. I could easily list the ways in which Edward and Bella's relationship is fucked to high heaven but since we're all intelligent readers I won't bother. I suppose the quintessential example, however, would be Edward's refusal to turn Bella into a vampire. This is never really open for discussion, one gets the feeling Edward has made his decision and that's that. You'd think that, as an equal participant in a relationship between two people, Bella's opinions should be at least relevant and that their final decision on the matter should be one they have reached jointly. That's what happens in functional relationships. But Edward is not to be persuaded: thus it is very much his decisions, not their decision. He thinks he's protecting her but his behaviour implies that he does not trust her to know what she wants and, in this, as on many other occasions, his protective streak is actually revealed to be rooted in fundamental disrespect for Bella's ability to live her life and make decisions.

Interestingly, despite the chorus of sighing from the teenage audience, I was impressed by Robert Pattinson's portrayal of Edward Cullen. I found him genuinely a bit creepy. He's so obviously ill-at-ease with who and what he is (unlike the rest of the Cullen clan who seem perfectly content to be vampires) and his self-loathing is both evident and off-putting. I think the other girls were titillated by the air of danger and emo but, actually, it's hard to love a man who hates himself. With a weirdly twisted smile, Edward characterises their relationship: "a stupid lamb and a sick, masochistic lion" - the point that Pattinson (bless him) seems to be trying to convey is that he genuinely means it. He thinks Bella is stupid for loving him and, quite frankly, she is (never trust a man who wants to eat you, girls); and he hates himself to such a degree that he cannot respect anyone who purports to love him. This is, of course, precisely what Pattinson has said in interviews - and I'd like to send him about two tonnes of love for actually managing to bring it out of the text since, you can see from reading about half of page of the book, it is something one reads into it, rather than something that is meant to be read.

Edward's love for Bella is truly masochistic at heart - since he must exert constant control to avoid eating her, he never allows himself to forget his own predatory nature, the very nature he despises. I think, through his protection of her, he is attempting to protect the part of himself he conceives as lost - his innocence, his mortality, whatever you want to call it. Regardless, it's messed up and in no way a grounding for a healthy relationship, even, or perhaps especially, with a 17 year old girl. Combine this tortured emotional masochism with an equally tortured attitude to sexuality and things really get nasty. Given Meyer's background, it's not surprising that Twilight, despite the gushyness of its romance, is essentially sexless but the intermingling of Edward's bloodlust and, err, lust-lust, however, serves to present sex as something dangerous and potentially fatal. Noticeably Bella spends most of Edward's kisses (and also her wedding night) unconscious. By this stage we have left the realm of fantasy far behind and moved full time into "just plain wrong".

Now I'm not going to get onto a soapbox and start sputtering that this not appropriate reading material for our children. The first book at least functions as a fantasy and as an honest expression of not-entirely-healthy teenage desires. And, although if you pay even the slightest bit of attention, you can see some very disturbing undercurrents, it was clear from the giggly enthusiasm in the cinema nobody gave a damn. We went there to see Robert Pattinson looking intense and beautiful with his insane bedhair, his silly sparkling skin and his dodgy crimsoned lips. That's what we were looking for, and that's what we got. And, for the moment, that's okay.

Some Rockin' Twilight Links

Oh God, no

Growing Up Cullen

Cleoland's Discussion of Twilight

, including her recaps of Midnight Sun

My second favourite Robert Pattinson interview

My top favourite Robert Pattinson interview

Themes:

Books

,

TV & Movies

,

Sci-fi / Fantasy

~

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Gina Dhawa

at 00:28 on 2009-01-03Whilst I'm not sure I can actually bear to fork out as much money as my local cinemas is asking for in order to see

Twilight

, I am actually intrigued by the movie because of what Robert Pattinson has been saying about how he's approached Edward. If he's managed to bring any hint of that about at all, it's no bad thing.

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Wardog

at 19:44 on 2009-01-03Basically it's not a good film - so it's hard to recommend it. It's very true to the book so if you hate the book, you'll hate the film. On the other hand, Robert Pattinson is obviously the best thing about it. He's fabulous to look at (although the film does its utmost to make him look *stupid*) and his interpretation of the character really comes through the performance. Which is a pretty impressive feat, when you think about it.

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Nathalie H

at 21:03 on 2009-01-03"It's nice to have someone stand up and say "yeah, sometimes girls want this"; unfortunately, where it becomes problematic is that it never acknowledges its own status as fantasy and it never grows up."

I think here you've really hit the nail on the head and said everything about my problem with Twilight.

I hated the book because it was astonishingly badly written; and I haven't seen the film, but I think I'll like it more because I am a step further away from the astonishingly bad writing, and only have to deal with astonishingly bad dialogue. ;) Oh and pacing and all that. But yes, props to Pattinson here.

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Wardog

at 00:14 on 2009-01-04The style of the book didn't bother me too much - I think I rated it as clunky/pedestrian rather than actually terrible but I was really looking at it with a proper critical eye.

The dialogue is - as you would expect - rather cringe-inducing. The ludicrousness of it seems more marked when spoken, than when read:

Edward: I've never wanted a human's blood so much.

Bella: I trust you.

Me: Wrong answer.

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http://serenoli.livejournal.com/

at 12:59 on 2009-01-10The point where I wanted to give it up was when Isabella Whats-her-name got annoyed with people for not knowing her nickname was 'Bella' not 'Isabella'. The book is annoying enough in its portrayal of the obsessive/dependent relationship they have, but Isabella is just such a self-absorbed twit that I kept wanting awful things to happen to her, and getting angry with Edward for saving her in the nick of time.

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Wardog

at 00:51 on 2009-01-11Hello and thank you for the comment. Yes, I entirely agree - Bella is infuriating. I found Kristen Stewart moderately sympathetic, insofar as I thought the actress was doing a tolerable job with an awful part (and I thought the relationship between Bella and her Dad was one of bearable aspects of the film), but the character is beyond redemption. I think she's basically a placeholder ... a big walking sign with "insert yourself here" written on it; unfortunately the fact she has no personality to speak of just makes her actions/reactions both irritating and incomprehensible.

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Jamie Johnston

at 02:22 on 2009-04-19Hurrah, I've finally got back to reading FerretBrain! And to prove it, I'm going to comment on this review of a film I haven't seen, just like I used to.

So no, I haven't seen the film and have not the slightest inclination to do so, especially having read this, but I have read the first three books, and I like them, and two remarks spring to mind as I ask myself why their uncritically positive depiction of an unhealthy teenage relationship doesn't bother me. The first is that I'm not sure that it's uncritically positive, and the second is that I'm not sure that it bothers me that it's uncritically positive. (Yes, these remarks are mutually contradictory, but never mind.)

Being unfashionably opposed to spoilers, I warn readers that as I unpack those two remarks I'll be mentioning elements of the plot of the first three books. (Likewise, if anyone replies, please warn me if you're going to mention any plot from 'Breaking Dawn' so I can close my eyes!)

So yes, having recently finished reading 'Eclipse' I don't feel that, at this stage of the series, I'm being asked to whole-heartedly approve of Edward and Bella's relationship. I think it's fair to say that by the end of 'Eclipse' we've seen, quite comprehensively dramatized, the tendency of the relationship to cause emotional and physical harm to people who don't deserve it, and that Bella and Edward have each engaged in some - perhaps tediously much - self-criticism on that point. They've even to some extent acknowledged that there is such a thing as a normal, emotionally balanced, non-obsessive relationship that can be had, one that would not be a pale imitation of 'true love' but a genuinely loving long-term relationship such as people should count themselves lucky to find, and that theirs is not it. Of course they cling to the belief that theirs is equally valid, or perhaps more so, but surely to ask anything else of these characters would be to ask the writer to be morally responsible at the expense of emotional truth. People in an unhealthy relationship do, at some level, believe that love redeems, trumps, justifies, cancels out the unhealthiness, otherwise they'd address the unhealthiness or get out of the relationship. So naturally Edward and Bella don't see their relationship as a Bad Idea, but what about the reader?

I won't deny that Meyer puts the reader in a sort of default position of assuming that the relationship is a Good Thing and the couple should stay together. But I'd have thought that was the inevitable and proper consequence of making Bella the point-of-view character. We identify with her and therefore we shrink from the emotional pain that would come from breaking them up, even if we feel it would be better in the long run. We also, through her eyes, feel strongly positive about Edward and therefore don't want to put him through the wringer either, and we have to admit that frankly he is probably the one character who genuinely would be worse off if they broke up. That's not because Bella is all that, but because he seems to have no better options and because he, unlike everyone else including her, doesn't obviously suffer any real ill effects from the relationship (apart from the fact that it perpetuates his unhealthy view of relationships in general, but that's not a problem since he's not remotely interested in having any other relationships ever).

Oh, and a quick digression here in response to the comment that "the intermingling of Edward's bloodlust and, err, lust-lust, however, serves to present sex as something dangerous and potentially fatal". Yes that's true, and yes it's a rather unhelpful way to encourage teenage girls to think about sex. But at the same time - and I admit that here I venture into dangerous territory for someone who's never been a teenage girl - is it encouraging teenage girls to feel that way, or is it merely providing a rather apposite metaphor for the way many American small-town teenage girls probably *do* feel about sex? Let's face it, there are umpteen things in modern western (and particularly unreconstructed American) culture that conspire to make sex seem to them both dangerous and desirable, fearful and forbidden and, yes, even potentially fatal but at the same time the proper and expected fulfillment of female life? Aren't they told that they mustn't but also that they inevitably must, and am I wrong to suppose that quite a few of Meyer's readers will find (or will already have found) themselves in clinches where, like Bella, they want to go further than they 'know' (as it were) it is 'safe' to? I agree that Meyer's metaphor to some extent reinforces that unhealthy fear of sex by having sex as a literally life-threatening process for her heroine. But at the same time it goes some way to redeeming itself by at least reversing the traditional 'girl resists, boy insists' caricature of sexual initiation (on which, of course, traditional 'male vampire bites screaming female virgin' stories depend) - she at least is not saying to her young female readers that they shouldn't feel sexual attraction to their boyfriends, and she does a fairly decent job of sharing the responsibility for avoiding the 'dangers' of sex between the boy and the girl (the message being that the girl is entitled to expect the boy to restrain himself, but she should also be aware that what she's doing can make that easier or harder for him, which is perhaps not the most role-busting message ever but is better than many). And, as things stand at the end of 'Eclipse', the message seems to be developing from 'sex is dangerous' to the more balanced 'sex can be dangerous but that needn't stop you doing it with the proper precautions' (though it remains to be seen quite what the precautions are in the case of Edward and Bella); and although it would be nice to live in a social and medical world that justified a rather more positive and cheerful message, I'd say that's a reasonably constructive message considering the world we (and, again, small-town American girls in particular) do live in.

So, returning from that digression, I'd say it's no surprise and no serious moral or literary failing that the most frequent and obvious signposts in these books point to 'Bella Edward 4 Eva' land. Still, as I've said (and as you've said too, Kyra), there are plenty of fairly visible signposts to 'This Relationship Is Going To Hurt Everyone Around It', and at least a few to 'Just Plain Wrong'. The question for the reader in the end is whether 'but they love each other' is an adequate answer. Isn't that the case with 'Romeo and Juliet' similarly? Don't get me wrong, I don't compare the two works for quality, and I don't suggest the central relationship of Shakespeare's play is quite as messed up as that of the 'Twilight' series. But they both depict intense teenage romances that are almost certainly, when looked at from a sober adult point of view, Bad Ideas, and that can only be seen as positive if one accepts the leading couple's belief that the intensity of their love is sufficient to overcome all objections and excuse all damage caused to themselves and others. And although in both cases there are plenty of clues leading to the sensible conclusion that it isn't, there's also sufficient force in the lovers' own view, and sufficient attention given to that point of view, that significant parts of the audience (whether teenage girls in cinemas or eighteenth century Romantics in theatres) can end up approving of the Bad Idea.

The big objection to what I've just said, I suppose, is that 'Romeo and Juliet' isn't *specifically marketed at teenage girls*. That's a fair point. But, well, I don't know, somehow that doesn't quite convince me. Partly that's perhaps just because I don't want to blame Meyer for the way her books are marketed; and even if she consciously wrote them for that audience, I'm still not entirely comfortable with the idea of not trusting young people to cope with it. I remember hearing Richard Eyre on the radio talking about his production of 'King Lear' and saying that when he was in his 30s he thought 'how could Lear treat his children like that?' and when he was in his 50s he thought 'how could Lear's children treat him like that?' Teenagers are going to read a story of teenage romance differently from us sensible jaded sort-of-grown-ups, but does that mean writers should over-compensate by steering them strongly to see things the way they 'should' see them, i.e. the way we see them? Or should we let them believe that 'Twilight' and 'Romeo and Juliet' are about all-conquering all-redeeming love and trust that the more-or-less subtle indications to the contrary will lodge somewhere in their unconscious minds and give them a richer view of the texts as their view of life becomes more complex over the years?

Of course this all partly depends how the series turns out in the end. If it ends, as it may well do, with everything hunky-dory for everyone, then my argument here will be a lot weaker than it seems to me now at the end of 'Eclipse'. But at the moment I think the most important thing for books like this is to be emotionally honest and truthful, and I think the series so far, and perhaps 'Eclipse' in particular, have enough of that for me to feel fairly comfortable about the more troubling side.

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http://viorica8957.livejournal.com/

at 05:04 on 2009-04-19tl;dr

Seriously though,I think that Meyer's comparisons of her work to other famous "love stories" and her belief that hers leaves them all in the dust, and the fact that she's openly stated that she would leave her husband for either of her male leads proves that she isn't just writing from a teenage POV; she's living through one.

(By the way, is anyone else having trouble logging in? Half the time it refuses to accept my password, and the other hald, it logs me in automatically.)

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Rami

at 11:10 on 2009-04-19@Viorica: I'd noticed you were commenting via OpenID lately. Could you drop me an email (

webmaster

at

ferretbrain.com

) with details? Let me know what browser you're using, etc?

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Dan H

at 11:38 on 2009-04-19Speaking as somebody who has *not only* not seen the film but *also* not read any of the books (but who *has* poked around fandom a fair bit) I'd echo Viorica's comments that Meyer's comments about the series undermine a lot of the saner, more sensible interpretations of it.

It's a classic Death of the Author problem - you can probably read Twilight as an interesting portrayal of a destructive relationship from the point of view of somebody currently caught up in it, but if you *know* - for a fact - that the author didn't intend it to be read that way it becomes a lot harder to see that interpretation.

You get a similar problem with good old HP. The early books are convincingly written from the point of view of a naive, slightly self-absorbed teenager. Later we discover that no, they were actually written by an omniscient narrator, and that Harry's warped perceptions of the world map 1-1 onto Wizarding reality.

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Shim

at 13:54 on 2009-04-19

(By the way, is anyone else having trouble logging in? Half the time it refuses to accept my password, and the other hald, it logs me in automatically.)

Not the same trouble, I reckon. But I always have to log in exactly twice.

(also, if using Firefox you have to quickly "allow" whatever the bar asks about before it disappears - once you've done it once it seems happy enough to work in future)

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Wardog

at 15:43 on 2009-04-22Welcome back to Ferretbrain, Jamie :) Yay. I'd be interested to know what you think of Twilight after Breaking Dawn...

I think both Dan and Viorica have in to some extent my concerns with your points. But essentially, to me, the Twilight series only feels emotionally honest as you claim if you're willing to problematise it on your own behalf. And although there are plenty of sensible people of all ages who read Twilight and end up asking the interesting, complicated questions you ask about it (is twue wuv really enough to justify all this), there are plenty of people who simply don't. I can't really quality this clearly to myself I think it comes down to a few interacting issues:

1) Surrounding cultural framework and the problem of authorial intent - basically I don't think you can discount this sort of thing when you're reading a text (although, of course, you shouldn't be constrained by it). And Stephanie Meyer is basically nuts. She is very obviously not only unaware of but wilfully blind to potential dysfunctionalities in her text. Furthermore, many of the things you draw attention to, for example the fact Edward and Bella angst all the time about their relationship and the fact it seriously damages anyone who comes near it, I believe are meant to *validate* the twueness of their wuv.

2) Moral responsibility - maybe this is going to make me look like some kind of fascist and I'll probably regret it but I believe that if you're writing for children and young adults you have a moral responsibility to your audience. All readers are, of course, to an extent vulnerable. And by a moral responsibility I mean you don't necessarily need to say morally righteous things, or even give a damn about morality, but I think fostering uncritically (and I know you dipsute this) the unhealthiest notions of love and romance is genuinely hugely problematic. I know this sounds like hypocrisy because I'm also going on about and about the fundamental human right of fantasy but, again, I think this is becomes very dangerous territory when it is not accompanied by awareness. Essentially Meyer does not seem to be saying "we all have fantasies about this kind of thing" or "isn't it intriguing the way romantic may not be the same as healthy" but "hey girls, I wish I had this, so it must be okay."

3) Connected to the above - I often find reading teenage romances interesting, mainly because when I started I had to make a psychological adjustment. Initially I was found I was grumbling away in my adult "you think this insipid guy with floppy hair is the love of your life but he's just some 16 year old" way and then I realised I was missing the point completely. Ultimately what I'm trying to say is that it's possible to being true to the way love and life feels when you're a teenager, right down to the unhealthy aspects of teenage love, without also being nuts about it.

Anyway, I'm going on and on and on. I do see your points, but I think you're being way to generous to Meyer who doesn't deserve it =P

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Arthur B

at 16:27 on 2009-04-22The first time I read Wikipedia's plot summary of

Breaking Dawn

I thought someone had vandalised the article. I was wrong. This series is its own parody.

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Jamie Johnston

at 22:28 on 2009-04-24

tl;dr

Story of my life. :)

Okay, I take your collective word for it that Meyer is nuts and creepy and probably shouldn't be allowed to write for children. It's a shame. She plots well. In fact one of the things I most enjoyed about the books was nothing to do with the teenage romance but the rather thrilling moment in the first book (

spoiler alert

) when it occurred to me that (1) there was a big vampire cross-country hunt possibly followed by an even bigger vampire battle going on somewhere, (2) I wasn't being given a description of it as I would have been in any fantasy / horror book not specifically aimed at teenage girls, and (3) I didn't feel I was missing anything at all. But that's by the by.

Basically I say this stuff not because I'm an 'authorial-intent-is-irrelevant' hard-liner but because I almost never read interviews with authors and generally haven't the foggiest idea what the author thinks. Partly because it's disappointing to discover that an author adheres to a less nuanced and sophisticated interpretation of his or her own work than I do. :)

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http://descrime.livejournal.com/

at 03:03 on 2009-04-25Okay, I went on YouTube and watched the first 6 parts of the movie.

I have to give her credit for one thing: Bella and Edward clearly deserve each other. They're both self-centered, anti-social, emo kids. In fact, I think Meyers/the screenwriter does a really great job of showing that Bella would never be happy except with Edward.

I mean, on her first day of school, six kids try to befriend her. We're shown that the adults in the town also go out of their way to acknowledge her. And yet, she spurns all offers from the other kids to come join them hanging out in the parking lot. She agrees to go with the other two girls to pick out prom dresses but then sits in the window and reads a book the whole time, clearly sending off signals that she's such a martyr for coming. She derides all the towns welcoming efforts to her mother. And she never freaking smiles. She's a permanent flatline. Might as well date the dead.

And oh god, the moment in the science lab when they meet for the first time. Their eyes meet and she steps in front of the fan so that her hair blows dramatically. It was hilarious. And you know Edward jerked like that because

he totally popped a boner

felt their mystical connection. The actor clearly went out of his way to show how awkward Edward is and how out-of-control of his own emotions and body. I appreciated that in a movie he could have just cruised through.

Since I don't care to track down the rest of the movie, do we ever learn why Bella has such special smelling blood or why Edward can't read her mind?

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Arthur B

at 03:31 on 2009-04-25

Since I don't care to track down the rest of the movie, do we ever learn why Bella has such special smelling blood or why Edward can't read her mind?

I believe the answers are a) she eats a lot of asparagus and b) she has no mind lol.

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http://poeticalengine.blogspot.com/

at 17:29 on 2009-04-25I admit that I've never read the books or seen the movie (I pretty much swore not to the minute I saw someone selling "Edward Body Glitter" on eBay). However my flatmate has been reading them and doing a fairly amusing read through on LJ. Between reading this article and watching her chuck the book at walls, I think it's safe to say I won't be reading it despite my curiousity. Or seeing the movie which is a shame, really, because Robert Pattinson really is very nice to look at.

Still, I'm a bit worried at how lack-of-self-awareness is becoming a prerequisite for writing a mega-successful book series these days. It's possibly just my cynicism showing through but between Meyer's "This is True Love! Really!" and JKR's plea for tolerance, my belief that canny self-reference can be found on the bookshelves of my local ASDA for less than a fiver may have been irrevocably shaken.

-Heather-Anne

(My flatmate's read through, if anyone's interested, is here: http://augustm.livejournal.com/ )

[mmwm]

Yesterday, spouse and I went to Kezar Lake in Sutton NH, as we often do, but instead of us both walking around it, this time he brought his canoe. He took off from the inlet, after checking in with the Lake Host on the other side of the lake (the Lake Host is there to check for invasive species that could be tagging along on watercraft), and paddled an almost-straight trajectory through the marshy area — and over two small beaver dams, where he had a surprise encounter with a large snapping turtle — across the lake to the beach side, while I meanwhile walked the 3-mile road around the lake.

During the entire hour my walk took (his paddle was considerably shorter), the sound of a speeding motor boat with water-skier was grating on my eardrums like fingernails on a chalkboard. Among perhaps 10 canoists, kayakers, people fishing in bass boats, and folks in slow moving pontoon boats was this one power boat, zipping and circling around the lake, apparently heedless of the two adult loons and one chick in the water.

I watched the boat almost drive right over on adult loon. I couldn’t get the bow number on the boat, unfortunately, because while power boats are allowed on the small lake, harassing loons by being too close to them is illegal.

So dismay, anger, fear for the loons, frustration were coursing through my veins, and the noise of the clamorous power boat ringing in my ears. (I realise it doesn’t bother lots of people, but it bothers me. Sort of like the effect of Mary Hart’s voice on Kramer, in Seinfeld)

Then I watched a young (10-ish) boy in the water with a large (beautiful) doberman dog, pretending to shoot it repeatedly with a stick close to the dog’s face, then splashing water on the dog’s face. The dog seemed unsure what to do, moving away from the boy but not entirely out of the water, barking once or twice, not seeming to know how to respond. If there were parents nearby, they did nothing to stop what seemed to me like taunting behaviour. The dog seem confused, the boy persisted, and I felt sad watching this interaction.

Then I rounded the corner,  where a slightly older man, walking the opposite direction, jokingly (I guess?) said, “You’re only halfway done!” My response and the set of my mouth was apparently not what he felt they should be, because he followed up with “Smile, young lady!”

If you know me, you know I don’t swear aloud much, but with the motor boat sound, the recklessness of the boat and the danger to the loons, the way I interpreted the dog interaction, I was this close to telling him to STFU. Instead, because I know that reaction would be unkind, rude, and not compassionate, on the one hand, and I also know it would be escalatory and potentially dangerous on the other hand, I kept walking, serious face and all, angry, downhearted, and disquieted. Definitely not smiling.

When I had earlier met this man on the other side of the lake, with no other people around, and he had boomed out “Hello there!” in a sort of odd way (I felt), I’d had a slight frisson of discomfort, and now I was very thankful I was near the beach, among a small crowd people, even the taunting boy and his lax parents, because I know that what can follow non-compliance to the command “Smile, young lady!” is verbal abuse, attempts at intimidation, or worse.

I left that encounter walking fast (-er than usual) and furious, eventually breathing normally again, eventually letting my senses take over, smelling the air, observing what was around me, feeling the road and my ligaments and muscles as I moved, listening for the bird calls through the sound of the power boat.

A half-mile later or so, I encountered this lovely Yellow Wooly Bear (Spilosoma virginica), who obligingly curled itself around my offered clover stem so I could move it off the road.

Then later a white admiral butterfly (Limenitis arthemis … there is also a red-spotted purple form of the same species) —

And this interesting fungus formation —

*

I realise that some folks (even some women) don’t understand why many women react so strongly to being told to “smile.” They don’t understand how it’s patronising and demeaning, this auditing and evaluating (by complete strangers!) of another person’s emotions, this assertion of a right to control someone else’s emotions or the way those emotions show up on their face.  Here’s some help for those folks:

The Sexism of Telling Women To Smile, in Atlantic: “I couldn’t imagine that my facial expression should affect strangers in any way. I couldn’t understand how I was supposed to just go about life smiling at nothing all the time. It’s pretty nonsensical. Why would I smile for the duration of a 30-minute walk?  I felt it was very much about them, not me — as if my facial expression was a reflection of them, I wasn’t a whole person with thoughts and feelings of my own, and I was put on this earth to reassure men they were adequate on a daily basis. And I was viscerally aware that this rule only applied to me because I was female.”

Men, we need to stop telling women to ‘Smile!’ by Matthew Hansen in the Dallas News : “”You really should smile,” a man will say. Or: “Why you so mad? Smile!” Or: “You’re pretty. You would be prettier if you smiled.” In this moment, Rosie Meegan is faced with a choice that nearly all women recognize, and a choice of which most men are blissfully unaware. She can smile, even though a male stranger telling her to smile makes her feel the exact opposite of smiley. Or she can say no and potentially face his wrath. … ‘It assumes that I’m a decoration in your life, an ornament, here to give you pleasure.’ … By my count, I have talked to 19 women about ‘Smile!’ All 19 said it has happened to them. Most said it happens regularly. All 19 said they don’t like it. In some cases it’s simply grating. In other cases, it carries a vaguely menacing undertone — fear is a main reason women do force a smile, women told me. Most depressingly, all 19 women I spoke to considered it a fact of life, part of the tax that women must pay. And here I am, drifting through days during which no one ever requests that I change facial expression.”

Nope, from Shakesville: “Telling people to ‘smile’ and/or ‘laugh’ is not, in fact, nice. Telling people how to behave is an assertion of ownership; it is disdainful of individual agency, a failure to acknowledge boundaries and autonomy. That auditing other people’s emotions could be considered ‘nice’ is absurd.” (She’s responding to a “Do Something Nice” campaign in Vancouver, which is why she keeps using the word ‘nice.'”)

Tatyana Fazlalizadeh’s “Stop Telling Women to Smile” street art project: “I am not here for you.”

*

I have male friends (and a few older female friends) who sometimes make it known that they like it (me?) more when I smile (e.g., if I post a non-smiling photo on Facebook, I usually get at least one “Where’s that pretty smile?” or “I’d rather see you smiling” comment). I’m ambivalent about that — when it’s actual people who know me and really might have my best interest at heart, who really might feel sad because I look sad — but my response is totally unambivalent when a stranger on the street instructs me to look or feel the way he wants me to: I’m not here for you.

Yes, being told to smile — generally by men who are only acting on what they’ve learned and internalised, who aren’t intending harm — is a minor thing compared with the kinds of oppression, suppression, violence, and the threat of violence that many people face daily. Everything is relative. But it is a regular reminder for many women that being pretty, seeming attainable and non-threatening, looking agreeable and cheerful no matter what we feel, are what’s expected of us as full-fledged autonomous human beings in this culture, and that when those cultural expectations aren’t met — when we don’t smile on command or if we respond with something benign like “No thanks, I don’t feel like it” — men may retaliate with slurs, intimidation, threats, verbal abuse, and rarely (I hope), physical abuse. As one of the women in the Atlantic article says, just being told to smile makes us feel watched and vulnerable. Being called “bitch!” when we don’t smile makes us feel worse.

A woman quoted in the Dallas News article says that though she used to force a smile in response, and apologize, and feel bad about herself without understanding why, now she “she doesn’t smile on command, even though she’s risking the possibility that the benevolent sexism will turn into something worse — the hostility often reserved for women who refuse to accept gender norms.”

I guess that’s where I am, unwilling to smile on command; it’s certainly where I was yesterday, when I was feeling dismayed by humans and our wanton aggression and destructiveness. And I don’t want to add to the culture’s already high level of resentment, aggression, and anger by rudely rebuffing a probably well-meant (or at least unthinking) attempt at encouragement; but on the other hand, I think I have a right to look and feel the way I do, without being told to change because a stranger is uncomfortable with it.

Being told to smile leaves me with no good option here — either I ignore it, probably appearing rude and dismissive; or I react angrily, which will almost surely evoke resentment and retaliation (toward me or a convenient scapegoat); or I smile or make a joke — one woman says “I’m trying to cut down” when men tell her to smile — but that seems to me a capitulation equal to smiling on command, seeking to help him feel comfortable about her demeanor — and in fact her being.

So men (and a few women), please, please stop telling strangers, and even acquaintances and coworkers, to smile. If we’re looking serious, sad, angry, upset, dismayed, or anxious, we probably are, and you’re not going to turn that frown upside down by force or by even by suggestion. If you want us to really smile, give us a reason to do it: do something kind, say something genuinely funny, or just smile at us without expecting repayment in kind.  Thanks.

Black-eyed Susans along road

    Walking, Not Smiling Yesterday, spouse and I went to Kezar Lake in Sutton NH, as we often do, but instead of us both walking around it, this time he brought his canoe.