#but that when done we are on the whole not just still a little dysphoric but able to ignore it but still extremely obsessed

[laundryandtaxes]

When the whole thing is said and done, I hope that what comes out of the medical scandal of pediatric transition is an understanding not just of the fact that it's important not to let ideology guide practice such that real physicians tell outright lies, ideological abstractions, and/or functionally religious beliefs (that one may have been born in the wrong body, or that one may have the wrong variety of brain in their body, or that one could possibly be "harmed" by going through one's natural puberty in and of itself, etc) to patients who are literally too young to distinguish between lies and truth, but also an understanding that what happened here on the whole with the medical approach to gender dysphoria was a total abdication of duty to provide least invasive practices first, total refusal to provide justification for the practice of selling extreme body modification to people who are at least often obsessively convinced that something is wrong with their body when medicine doesn't do this regularly for any other patients with body distress, total failure of safeguarding practices in a patient group very likely to contain vulnerable and otherwise emotionally distressed patients, and most of all a refusal to even try to address the mental health concerns of a group of people that these physicians just decided on no basis (there are no large studies comparing overall outcomes with transition treated as an actual variable, wherein some people are given one treatment, others none, others another treatment, underlying this practice) were too ill to respond to all of the practices we have already accepted as approaches to psychological distress.

This is at the heart of why ROGD has so many people freaked out- sure, those people who show signs of extreme gender nonconformity in childhood, who grow more distressed than normal at the onset of puberty because it means a loss of the androgyny that protects so much of child gender nonconformity, who are likely to grow into crossdressing homosexual or bisexual adults, who are more likely than other people to struggle with obsessive and compulsive tendencies, who are more likely to struggle to connect with other people socially, I'm sure they require surgical and hormonal body modification in order to live happy and healthy lives, but I am quite sure that no such treatment is right for my sweet, outgoing, heterosexual daughter who until 6 months ago was never very gender nonconforming. People like her deserve extra safeguarding so that the only treatment medicine ever even attempted at scale for this psychological problem is reserved for the people who truly cannot be integrated into society any other way. It is really quite deeply offensive that, because very gender nonconforming people are less valued, we got none of the normal safeguarding or study or approach to treatment that people who approach doctors with broken bones or other physical problems receive. Of course there is always some very real chance that we just happened upon the "right" treatment, but for one thing we don't know that because we simply never tried anything less invasive the way one normally does in medicine (let alone actual comparative studies different potential treatment options) and for another it's currently being sold to people using ideological abstractions or functionally religious concepts that have no basis in reality like the concept of being born in the wrong body. Those are both problems no matter how long medicine is allowed to continue ignoring them, which by the way will not be forever. If medicine cannot reign itself in, if it cannot police itself, then the only actors left to reign it in are all much more susceptible to their own forms of ideological capture than medicine was, such as state legislatures, which is bad for everyone in the same way that state intervention in doctor/patient decisions is almost always bad for everyone.

[baby-trapped-boywife]

I keep fantasizing about, now that I’m finally comfortably passing, starting to forget my weekly T shots. I hook up with my fwb, this older guy who lives alone in a rundown trailer park a little outside my city. Neither of us think about using protection bc we haven’t had an issue yet. Until I get knocked up. I never wanted to be a father and now I’m carrying the bastard of some fucking divorced drunk. And, yet, it feels oddly right.

We talk options and I make my choice, which is surprisingly our choice. My baby daddy says he wants us to parent our baby together. It’s unexpected, but we decide to make it official and move in together. There’s not an expectation of a relationship, we’ll just be roommates and parents to the child growing inside me. I didn’t think my life would go like this. Truth be told, I’m struggling in the early months of pregnancy. I feel dysphoric and resent having to delay my transition.

He treats me like a queen, though, and I leave my full time warehouse job to work part time as a receptionist at his brother’s garage. Me and my baby daddy start spending a lot more time together because of this and because of living together. I start to think I might be lucky.

As I get further along, I find it hard to find clothes that fit my growing curves. I’ve gotten fatter and my chest has gotten more sensitive. My hips are definitely wider. I decide to try dressing slightly more femininely, it will make the whole ordeal easier. Doctors and nurses are frequently asking me if I’m excited to be a mommy and most people I talk to at work think I’m a tomboy who smoked a few too packs before letting herself get knocked up by a greasy old drunk who hasn’t even given her a ring.

‘I must be stupid if I’m carrying this man’s three babies without a band on my finger,’ I think the week we find out I’m carrying triplets. It’s a blessing, especially considering I wasn’t even supposed to be fertile. Or, so I’d heard. Maybe it was the missed shots. I’d been Icarus flying too close to the sun, only instead I fall to my knees in front of my new fiancé that night with a big garish heart-shaped shimmery ring on my finger.

With me spending every possible moment with my fiancé in his bedroom, I move out of my room in our trailer and start converting it to a nursery. My hair is a cute bob and I’m really enjoying giving into playing my new role as trailer whore. It’s not really me, just a sorta drag performance I’ve decided to lean into for the duration of my pregnancy. My fiancé finds it hot: me in a pair of flip flops, Daisy Dukes, and a tank top with no binder or bra as I answer the rarely ringing shop phone. I sit on his lap when we host over his friends and don’t object to the idea of being his bride.

I end up in a chic boho-style flowy dress that shows off my swollen tits and baby bump. As my husband takes me as his wife for the first time, I feel something shift inside me. I wasn’t playing some caricature anymore. I was officially the wife of trailer trash and that made me trailer trash too. If this was my life now, then I was going to have fun with it.

I keep growing out my hair, dye it blonde like my husband says he wants, and stop wearing any undergarments. I’m kinda a feminist that way, by freeing the nipple. These days milk is often leaking through my tiny tops. I still get spray tans bc my salon lady says it’s okay and hubby likes when I look sun-kissed orange. Before I know it, I’ve got a tramp stamp and hubby’s name tattooed on my crotch. Both were done by one of hubby’s friends in our living room. I’ll get more once I finally give birth.

Weirdly, the sex gets better as I lean more into looking like my husband’s dream girl. I find that I want to be whatever he wants me to be. Knowing that I’m his forever and free from ever making a decision again. I love what he’s done to me, how he controls me in every way. My old life is completely erased. Getting knocked up was the best thing a misguided girl like me could have done.

I basically had the best life ever. My man was obsessed with me and always giving me gifts of cute clothes and jewelry, watching me paint my fingers and toes at work when it was quiet, contorted to reach around my massive baby bump. I always giggle when I notice him watching me from across the shop, my hubby’s such a horndog and I’m the luckiest bitch in the world.

[idiotsonlyevent]

wow, naoto's writing is bad! and its not even bad because "they should have been trans" or whatever tf ppl are saying, its bad because its inconsistent both internally as well with persona's canon lore. like, the whole basis of the persona series is that your shadow is part your true self. even though it says things that you don't want to hear or admit to others, it's still YOU. naoto's shadow 'wants to be a man.' naoto's shadow wants gcs. naoto's shadow is trans.

and that's not to say that you can't write a story or an arc about questioning gender. or a gnc woman. or about what it's like to be a woman in a male-dominated field. or a child that's forced to grow up too quickly because they're surrounded by - and doing the job of - adults. but to do that, then naoto's social link should have actually explored those things? we hear a lot about how it must be tough to be a woman detective. how the adult police officers don't take naoto seriously. but it's never shown; those issues aren't explored in a meaningful way. we know that they happen in the real world, but we don't get to see naoto react to those things; like the yosuke reacts to the junes part-timers, or the way yukiko reacts to the reporters and kasai-san. so that angle falls flat because those problems aren't acknowledged in naoto's arc.

naoto is openly dysphoric. i'm not saying that makes them trans bc dysphoric cis people exist, but they are repeatedly shown being uncomfortable when other characters bring up their height, the pitch of their voice, and their chest. and you can say that them deciding that they're a woman means that they're not comfortable being seen as a man either - that's fine, nonbinary people exist - but the scale of the discomfort is so completely different that it feels ridiculous and almost in bad faith to say they felt as uncomfortable 'as a man' as they did 'as a woman.'

and honestly, im a little tired of seeing stories where women 'dress up' as men to avoid sexism. i know the people writing these have never actually talked to trans men, but that's not how the world works. we don't come out and suddenly become magically accepted by society. you can be out for years and still be routinely misgendered! and in some cases, if you pass, you're expected to uphold and reinforce sexism - fun! /s. but those stories never show that, do they? i get that they're supposed to be escapist fantasies, and not real life, but persona 4 is a game that has relatively grounded themes and characters. many of us are or know a yosuke, a chie, a yukiko, etc. naoto's writing feels out of place because the themes it's trying to explore are either completely ignored or bastardized so badly that they become nonsensical.

it's also incredibly demeaning and egregious that to romance naoto, you basically force-fem them, when the whole point of their 'platonic' social link is that their gender doesn't matter (until at the very end, where they decide they're 'a woman after all'). this is pretty clearly done to assert the heterosexuality of the protagonist, but it's still really gross. are gnc women w lower voices not allowed to date men now? fellas, is it gay to date a woman?

but actually the most uncomfortable part to me is the rhetoric surrounding naoto's transness. i know this game came out more than a decade ago, but it uses the same negative tropes about transmasculine people that are being peddled by t€rfs and transphoßes today. and it's primarily other women (chie and yukiko) enforcing naoto's gender expression to stamp out any ideas of transmasculinity. naoto can't Actually be trans - she's just a confused little girl! she'll grow out of it and realize how stupid she was to throw away her beauty to be an ugly man! she was a girl all along! its straight out of social contagion nonsense, when their arc could have perfectly meshed w the theme of acceptance if they um. maybe accepted that they can be trans, even without needing to 'change their sex'? they can be a man with a 'woman's body'? they can see themselves however they want? (reminded of that post of a 'western' trans person saying they thought the trans man from one piece was a caricature or something, and the replies were just. japanese trans people saying that the way he's presented is empowering for them bc it's impossible to get hrt/gcs in japan, so they prefer narratives that accept their bodies as they are.)

naoto could have been amazing gnc woman, non-binary, or trans man rep, if atlus stuck to it and explored what any of those things meant to naoto as a character. instead, they fumbled the writing so badly that it becomes impossible to tell what they were trying to say. unless you're trans, then one day, you too can become normal! 

[menalez]

i agree that in the end there's no one we detransitioners hurt more than ourselves. and i too have to admit that it also hurted immensely to watch your favourite media personalities turn to gender shit.

i was gnc even before i realised that im a lesbian. i grew up in eastern europe, and didn't know that real love between women is even possible, that its called being a lesbian. everything around me implied that im bound to marry a man in the end, give birth to children and be a mother. and it was scary. i secretly dreamt of waking up a boy one day because then i would be able to marry a nice girl. when i got my own access to the internet, i was exposed to even more misogyny and it made me spiral even further to the point of dreading growing up, feeling disgusted and trapped in my own body etc. but on the other hand i slowly found about homosexuality and other stuff. and so i discovered other gnc women. famous gnc women. when i was a teen, i think i had a celebrity crush on Rain Dove(i still find her very attractive), and listened to JD Samson and LP. (i sorta built my own teen separatist utopia in my online space, when i only watched and listened to and read what gnc and lesbian women had to offer) it was like a breath of fresh air for me. and then women who were just like me, whom i looked up to one by one started to proclaim themselves non-binary and proceed to promote that rhetoric further. it threw me back so hard i got depressed. i was bullied by my dad for "looking too much like Jolie's tif daughter". it took me long to stabilise myself back. im still dysphoric, some times feel worse than others, but nothing i can't bear really.

now i don't think that those women caused more damage than my misogynistic environment,my school, classmates, dance class, family, social media etc., they just reopened the old wound in an unstable teen. but i can't help feeling wronged by them a little bit. i don't place the whole blame on them, at least not equal to what misogynistic society's done to me first. as well as i don't think that their fault as celebrities is anywhere near to anything that a regular detrans woman may have of feel. but i do think that people like them, who helped to spread those ideologies, even if it came from their own traumas and discomfort caused by misogyny, have to take some responsibility for their actions, once they decide to detrans or desist. at least for leading young, gnc, lesbian, mentally ill or unstable, autistic girl to the gender bs.

(thanks for reading my rumbling. i can also call my feelings very subjective, because i acknowledge that after all this time i still feel angry at the world, and at the environment those women had become a part of, that led a little anxious insecure girl i was to think there was actually something wrong with her. can also be the case. bc page's transition also hit harder than i wanted, even though i already was a radfem)

btw shiloh jolie (john) is not trans, shes just a gnc girl and i think its awesome that her mom let her explore that stuff and called her john (as shiloh requested) bc its what allowed her to grow up to be gnc unapologetically rather than self-hating.

i get where ur coming from though, i think its a pretty toxic cycle in general, like many gnc women & girls buy into that ideology because of how it targets them & then further promote it which slowly impacts more and more gnc people negatively. i just think that people have a lot of unnecessary hostility and presumptiveness towards detrans people that acts like these detrans people were personally responsible for this cycle existing, as if they also werent harmed by that same rhetoric and aren't actively fighting against it by being vocal against it. that said, of course it's important to go against your past wrongs and to try to right them, my issue is that people assume the worst of detrans people & don't realise that its detrans people fighting against those wrongs the hardest right now, alongside gnc people.

[eulangelo]

callout for @genderfluidlucifer

google docs

tw for transmisogyny + TERFs + emotional manipulation

Transmisogyny

Lucifer is a huge transmisogynist who will complain 24/7 about how TERFs hurt the ace community, but the moment @randomclustermissile , a trans girl (who is not an exclusionist at all) tries to point out transmisogyny in inclusionist circles (in the most vague and general way possible, without pointing fingers nor calling anyone names) Lucifer will immediatly jump to block her and so they did with me (another inclusionist) and i have to suppose to everyone else who agreed with that post, even arriving to vagueing about us in private group chats to suggest that we were “sympathizing with exclusionists”. all because we dared point out transmisogyny in inclusionist circles. lucifer is TME but apparently they think they’re the authority on TERFs and their talking points but actual trans women are not, according to them, since this is the stuff that they would go and spew to other people. (screenshots from @enbyoctoling​)

here’s more examples of Lucifer (again, a transmasc person) going deep in detail about how according to them, TERFs/SWERFs hate aro/ace people and are an active threat to us

1. link

[Image ID: Three screenshots of a post by Genderfluidlucifer. The first screenshot is of a paragraph that reads, "Hey. So I can actually answer this. Anon your commentary about how you thought terfs would approve of sex repulsed aces is sort of it. Except...not. Basically terfs hate ace people for not wanting sex in the approved by terfs way. Terfs are actually extremely interested in [forcing] amatonormativity onto everyone. Because for as sex negative as terfs are...they don't want to actually acknowledge or change the fact that amatonormativity is at the root cause of rape culture and misogyny."

The second screenshot is a zoomed in section of the post that reads, "So yeah no I have NO idea where exclus allies are getting this idea from that terfs would even remotely care about the sexual rights of ace people. Terfs generally hate any sexualities in the LGBTQ+ acronym that aren't LGB because they can't force a gender binary onto those sexualities. At least, not as easily. That's why it's actually a massive sign of someone who doesn't call themselves a terf being a crypto terf if they use the term LGB in a positive manner. Along with the term SGA, as it is deliberately exclusive of nonbinary and not inherently SGA centric queer-aligned sexualities. /END ID]

link to the full post, these are just excerpts but the whole thing is just a very long rant about how TERFs hate ace people and so on (i think it’s worth noticing that although the actual post is kinda long, trans women are never once brought op in a conversation about TERFs issues and the only time transmisogyny is mentioned is not relevant to the conversation)

2. link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblog by genderfluidlucifer. The original poster is nothorses. It reads, "Because apparently I have to say it: Testosterone is not a 'violent' hormone. It doesn't make you 'more aggressive' or a worse person, it doesn't make you 'dangerous,' or 'toxic.' Transmascs do not need to be 'warned of the dangers of T.' We do not need to spend our transitions terrified that we're going to become a danger to those around us - that HRT is going to turn us into a monster.

Everyone experiences mood swings during hormonal shifts (pregnancy, menstruation, menopause, estrogen HRT, etc.) and while you might have grumpy moments or feel anger/frustration that you need to learn to handle differently, that doesn't make you a bad person.

Testosterone can change the way you access/process emotions somewhat, but if you're already thoughtful about how you handle your feelings and treat others, you're going to be fine. It's normal to lash out on occasion, by accident, then apologize and work to do better. It doesn't make you a bad person. Everyone on HRT is prone to this, and everyone experiencing hormonal changes is prone to this.

Getting HRT should be positive and affirming; you should not have to spend your entire transition terrified of becoming a monster."

The post then has a reblog by captainlordauditor that reads, "The big danger of T is that needle ouchy." /END ID]

here’s them reblogging from known transmisogynist user @nothorses (once again, the irony that a post about how testosterone is seen as the "aggressive hormone" does not mention transfem at all which are literally the main victims of this rethoric in the first place)

3. link (1), link (2)

[Image ID: Two screenshots of posts by genderfluidlucifer. The first screenshot reads, "Queer exclus: We're not repackaging terf rhetoric! Saying that is transmisogynistic! Also queer exclus: Remove the plus from LGBT!" and has tags that say, "I will pay these people to grow some god damn self awareness. Imagine being this dense. Queer discourse." The post has 15 notes.

The second screenshot reads, "Honestly it is so stupid and frustrating to see ace exclus continue to deny that the ace discourse was started by terfs. Proof was given countless times. And a big name terf like galesofnovember even admitted to starting it. Those of you who demand proof but ignore all of this never wanted proof to begin with." and is tagged with, "ace discourse. The post has 38 notes. /END ID]

heres another two post of theirs conflating TERFs with ace exclusionism

4. link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblogged post by furbearingbrick. The original poster is boxlizard, Lucifer's old account. The original post reads, "By the way for people still in denial about it, here's galesofnovember, a terf, admitting that she intended to start the ace exclus movement. She's taking credit for it. Normally if the victims of this behavior weren't ace/aro or other queer identities y'all be ready to rightfully lynch her. But since it's us, y'all just still wanna stamp your feet and go, 'Nuh uh!' instead of acknowledging facts." The part that says, "admitting that she intended to start the ace exclus movement" is a link to a galesofnovember post.

There is then a reblogged addition from furbearing brick that reads, "archived versions of the receipts" and has two links to the webarchive. The tags read, "Bringing this back since it's apparently still relevant. Terfism mention. Aphobia mention. Queerphobia mention. Blocklist." and has 1,455 notes. /END ID]

this is their post that ive already talked about but basically they found a 52 notes post made by a TERF in 2012 and this one person said "i dont know why i dont get to be the princess of the anti-ace-brigade" and apparently they are convinced that this means TERFs started the ace exclusionism movement and that this is one of their goals. which is insane when TERFs in real life only care about making life miserable for transfem people first and foremost.

5.link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblog by genderfluidlucifer. The original poster is yu-gay-fudo. It reads, “Just in case you happen to be unaware, some of the “radfem lite” they post to warm you up to their rhetoric, just off the top of my head:

- Ace/aro exclusionism

- Bi exclusionism or claims that bi people are “less queer” bc of “straight passive privilege”

- Saying you have to be dysphoric to identify as transInvalidating nonbinary people

- Calling queer a slur regardless of context, saying people can’t identify as queer, and saying that it can’t be reclaimed

- “Mogai hell”, “kweer”, or otherwise mocking less common labels and claiming they are “just cishets who want to feel special”

- Excluding sex workers from feminist discussions or claiming that sex work is inherently evil

- Basically anyone who thinks they can determine what other people identify as”. The tags read, "queerphobia tw. twerfs tw. no id." and has 70,727 notes. It was reblogged on March 22nd, 2021 /END ID]

another example of conflating radfems to things that, while wrong, have little to nothing to do with them because being a radfem, again, is something very specific that has all to do with transfem oppression.

Emotional manipulation

Lucifer has done nothing but block, break boundaries, spread lies and vague about people, some of which were even mutuals with them knowing they would see the posts. when confronted about it Lucifer's only answer was "just say you hate me and block me" but they actually ended up blocking everyone first, making it impossible for anyone to set some boundaries with them or even just to calmly confront them about anything.

[proof: Io(popncourse) and Lucifer had a disagreement in a shared discord server, which prompted Lucifer to vague Io in a vent post. Io confronted them, as being vagued is one of buns triggers, to which Lucifer initially agreed to delete the vent post, but then proceeded to victimize themself and immediatly blocked Io. later on, Jude(malewifedeckard) was confronted by Lucifer, then after Jude told them “I’m worried that you’ll vague me just like you did with Io” they proceeded to block Jude and vagued about him too. when Io made a post (which was not a callout, it was just bun setting buns boundaries) explaining what Lucifer did, Lucifer immediatly jumped to victimize themself, acting like they were being called out and straight-up lying, even going so far as to say that no one tried to hear them out, which is a blatant lie if you consider the aforementioned Io and Jude’s attempts at doing so, with Lucifer immediatly blocking and cutting ties with the both of them. ] 

(screenshots taken by @popncourse and @malewifedeckard)

as seen in the proof above Lucifer’s behaviour is not ok because they don’t accept any kind of confrontation and immediatly jump to blocking, and after blocking, they'd immediatly go and vague about the people who confronted them pacificly, spreading more lies and painting themself as the victim and even arriving to say “no one hears me out at all” which is simply not something you can say when you block people who are trying to hear you out in the first place.

this is by no means an invitation to go and harass them, send them hate or anything like that. i absolutely don’t want anything even remotely hateful or negative to be sent their way after this post. 

this post was only made because:

1. as an ace person who fully supports the inclusion of aspec identities in the lgbt+ community i don’t want to support an enviroment that costantly downplays transmisogynistic oppression in order to be taken seriously. there are hundreds of ways to make aspec activism without acting like we(as in TME aspecs)are the victims of a system that seeks for the annihilation of transfemenine people in real life everyday. i especially don’t want to support TME individuals who act transfem-friendly but then block any transfem who tries to speak on transmisogyny without a second thought.

2. Lucifer’s behaviour has hurt two friends of mine and i don’t want to associate with someone who actively breaks people’s boundaries without taking accountability when messing up.

3. i cannot associate with someone who spreads lies about me accusing me of sympathizing with exclusionists all while having me blocked so that i can’t see it nor defend me. they complain about people not hearing them out but they’re the very first person who does not try to hear people out, and instead jumps to spread baseless rumors. this is not someone i can nor want to associate with. 

(image descriptions provided by @malewifedeckard)

[mogai-sunflowers]

this is my submission for the gender art thing!! little embarassed but uh! here we go!

On Transgender Dysphoria Blues by Laura Jane Grace

And she was right,

as she often is, because I sang it

alone, before realizing that my voice 

sounded like my grandfather, that is to say,

sore, not suited to music. That is to say,

I dysphore in red. Blood and viscera and

angry, and mean. Maybe that’s the difference 

between men and women.

It’s not “take my wife, no, please.”

It’s the difference between saltwater

and scabs. The difference between 

me and a song that I’d call

“pretty obscure, you wouldn’t know it”

if I was worse.

But I am pretty bad,

(if only in terms of skill level,) 

so take this whole thing with a grain of sand.

Dust it around the rim.

Toss it back like a shot,

though you‘ve never done one.

When do I get to say, “hey, call me a loser.”

it's not a kink (so he claims) or a disorder

(so he hopes), just look at me 

the way a movie bully looks at Michael Cera.

 Can’t I be wrong? Can’t I hurt you, too?

A stereotype still rings true if you hit him right.

Why is it that whenever I try to cry,

I end up with blood under my fingernails?

 - @begendered-mogai

[stickynotestoletters]

Yandere BNHA Boys pt 2

Okay, this is a continuation of the first yandere ones I did because I wrote that in basically a night and was too tired to do more, I'm probably gonna post some after for the pro heroes and villains if I have time, I might finish those on the weekend then post it.

This is just a bunch of headcanons I have about the boys in BNHA and what they’d be like as yanderes. Only the really fluffy or good things about them listed here. Neither of these works are a good depictions of a real yandere and make sure to be careful to identify yandere traits in real people around you. It’s a very dangerous world and stay safe!

sorry if you were waiting for me to come out with these and I literally took forever lol, link to the first one is here. It's basically just me comforting myself with the sweet things that I think they would do as yanderes.

Warnings: Brainwashing, blood, gore, death, trans headcanons, body dysmorphia, nonbinary they/he Sero, they/them pronouns + nonbinary headcanons for Tokoyami, he/they nonbinary headcanons with Shinsou, a little NSFW because if I don't specify then they are aged up (around 20-25 is where I imagine the timeline that they actually captured you and have a hero carrier going for them already), manipulation, regular yandere things, kinda just turns into dumbass horknee headcanons at some point after Shinsou (sorry lmfao), objectification

Sero Hanata

so basically the first time they saw you they immediately wanted to come up to you

they love to give you back hugs because once you stop trying to fight them he's gonna be so honored you finally trust him

Big time slut [non-derogetory] for you

Likes to have an apartment that's high up, probably a secured penthouse with lots of windows

If you're afraid of heights they will get a ground bed for you two, they would also vibe with a low hanging hammock if you allow it

they really really like just putting you on a custom made leash, not inherently in a sexual way just in general likes to have it look like that with their tape on you at all times

they really really like it when you come to them for hugs and comfort

If you're a trans reader, if you want a binder he will get you one as soon as you ask, cried when you told him about it.

they cried way more than you though...

Was very accepting as an nb person as well

they custom made you a tape binder of his

Kinda as a joke but high key felt like they were gonna combust at the thought of you wearing that for them

Takes you to pride but you cannot speak

only takes you to pride after they are 1000% sure that you're not gonna speak to anyone but them

Takes you to it as a part of their float because they'd been invited onto the Hero Float

You are in a costume that's exactly like his, helmet and everything, you aren't allowed to be looked at

After that though, it's gonna be your choice to go or not to go

they trust you a little more after you run away from some assholes though and after that sometimes lets you take your helmet off during pride, you have to give them a lot of kisses though

When/if you ever consider any type of surgery he is 110% on board

they demand that you have to have it performed by someone who has done this a million times before, trusts no one else

If there's a way for you to go through it without the surgery they're excited but he's more excited if there is surgery because they love the idea of you being so cuddly and clinging to them for their comfort

Tokoyami Fumikage

haha they're in love with you

like, intensely in love with you the moment they first meet you

Dark shadow thinks you're adorable but says nothing more about their obsession with you

when you met them before UA they absolutely cannot handle being around you in a 10-foot radius

Eventually, though they do try and become a friend of yours

After that, it's a hop on the manipulation train, my dude

they basically make you see them as your savior from a mean uncaring world

they love talking to you about things that make you happy and loving you in little ways

hugs, hand holding, a lot of time it's just a little peck (haha) on the cheek

they love living with you though, like really love it

they like baking and making dinner for you

but especially baking

like really, baking

the manipulation they use makes it seem like everything is okay when you only talk to them so that's what you do and to you, it seems so much better than anything you could do

they haven't come out to you by the time you come out to them so your trans journey really helps them figure things like that out as well

The first time you explain that gender is a made-up construct they're like "yeah......isn't that how everyone feels? Like, not a gender????" we love this for them

you both kind of heal each other through this process

they like seeing you when you're most comfortable so they get you as many binders as you need

also gets you a custom binder like Sero but with feather designs, not like stupid printable patterns but something that is soft and the softness isn't feathers it's regular fluffy cloth

idk I'm not a designer that's why I gave up and became a writer lmao

they also get you a compression corset because they're emo

if there is surgery it takes a lot of time to convince them

they don't ever want you to regret anything they helped you with so it takes a lot of long-winded conversations about it

there was a lot of nervousness on their part because (this is just my headcanon) they were almost convinced to get surgery to construct their face to look human-like

they had a lot of their family tell them that, because of the way they looked, they had less of a chance to become a hero, they were immensely traumatized by this and thus wants to make absolutely sure you were okay with this

but when they finally find themself comforted by you about it it happens quickly and in the safest way you could possibly imagine

Shinso Hitoshi

Shinsou didn't want to approach you at all, he was so scared you'd run away or tell him he's a villain

they always thought that they weren't good enough for you

he loved you but you needed to say hi first

and you did

so he whisked you away

they like to just brainwash you into tasting certain types of food when you're craving them instead of just getting you food

he likes to talk to you in a voice like he would talk to a kitten, not like husky or anything sexy, but something cute and adorable

especially when you're brainwashed and can't say anything to him

He likes to give you lots of soft stuff like I'm talking pillows upon pillows and squishmallows

once he gets his own house they get it in a place that's more comforting in the dark than in the light

they really like the dark and outdoorsy vibe anyway so if they choose a place somewhere in the forest to keep you what's the added bonus if no one can hear you scream?

a little bit of spice; he has this whole a/b/o fantasy (idk it's his vibes that he'd read that fanfic and stuff lmao) and kinda treats you like you were an omega

sometimes if you guys do have sex they'll brainwash you to act like an omega or once he's more experienced with bodily manipulation involving their quirk they'll make you do all of the......omega things

when you come out to them, if you're trans, they're definitely gonna not care

like if you need comfort and stuff about it they will not make a big deal about it

he legit is like "okay .....can I still fuck you or?????"

HE JUST GIVES OFF REALLY HORKNEE VIBES OKAY?????

definitely brainwashes you into not feeling dysphoric anymore though

like loves it when you come up all sad to him and uncomfy just to ask them to brainwash you

he melts over you cuddling them after those times though

if you want surgery they're gonna make sure that it's between him and the doctors that y'all are there

like no one knows you're there, completely off radius, in and out like nothing (he's basically a cryptid in the woods by the time you guys have the surgery, so they wanna make sure no one questions it)

Monoma Neito

bold of you to assume that man can express literally anything when he wants to just sit you on his lap and look at your pretty face

love at first sight taken literally but not in a shallow way

he loves just having you around him

kinda treats you as an accessory at times, talks like you're a purse or something and people don't really comment but it's really freaking them out sometimes when you don't speak up on it

likes to say he's the only one to understand you cause he's afraid you'd leave him

a hardcore fan of collars though

definitely has lots of jewelry that represents him even though you don't go out he still loves the idea of it

big time cook

loves providing for you, never lets you do a damn thing other than watching pre-approved cartoons and hobbies

absolute fucking disaster about hugging you

always has to be touching you

he thinks you're so fucking gorgeous and body worships you even out of the bedroom

if you're trans he will definitely be weird about it at first

he's just diet transphobic

he's not denying it but sometimes he's like "Are you sure???" and stuff

he clears this up with the help of you being pissed enough to not eat or talk to him until he apologizes

he then educates himself on it and comes to the conclusion that he was in fact being an asshole

talks to you about binders and stuff like that

doesn't really believe in surgery, he would never allow you to do that just because it would be too painful for him to see you go through

he instead literally searches the whole fucking globe for a person with a body-altering quirk to make sure you don't get hurt

he seeks out homophobes, transphobes, and other dumbasses on the regular just to kill them like literally it just started out for your approval but now it's just for fun

Anyway, the villain one (if I do it) will probably become just horknee brain rot cause I am a slut. Request some stuff and I'll try to put up some works if y'all want ig.

[commanderfoxdeservesbetter]

Clone Wars Headcanon: Time Travel AU

Anakin, right after he dies, time travels back to the past and ends up right back in his old body which doesn’t end up so well as he’s becomes dysphoric after being in a mechanical body for 20+ years so he disappears.

Cue a whole search party going for him (with Obi-Wan stressing out because he can’t feel Anakin even through the bond; Ashoka left reeling and thinking it’s her fault because they had a small argument that day; and Palpatine angered because he just lost sight of his (one day) apprentice and his plans, while thorough, need Anakin to turn).

Alongside that, Force Ghost Yoda and Obi-Wan time travel back and stick with Anakin as he’s processing and since he can only see them, they can’t help much. (But really, they’re there to help him with changing the past and fixing the mistakes because while the Force did give him this chance to do so, sometimes it’s not always fair when you gotta do it alone and they believe in him).

After some time, Anakin comes back to meet with Palpatine and he’s not well (he stumbles quite a bit and his eyes...the anger inside him makes them turn from blue to yellow several times). Fox sees him on the way up (the only one who does because he sees past the Force hiding) and he follows Anakin (he has so many questions but he keeps quiet; now isn’t the time).

So when he reaches Palpatine’s office, Fox reveals himself and calls out. “General Skywalker.” Anakin turns slowly as Fox walks briskly towards him, but as he nears, he finds himself at loss for words. Anakin merely raises an eyebrow. “The Chancellor isn’t in right now,” Fox ends up saying.

Anakin sneers but replies, “I know. I’m waiting for him.” But Fox knows how much the General means to the 501st, to his brothers, his vod, to Rex, and offers to wait with him. (He might not talk to his brothers but regardless of what they think, he still cares!!) Anakin remembers him as the one who shot Fives and the one who arrested Ashoka (but FG!obi-wan whispers, this is before that. He hasn’t done that yet) and so he reluctantly agrees. Maybe, Anakin thinks, I can find out WHEN exactly am I.

So they sit (or stand in Fox’s case) in Palpatine’s office and wait there and the silence is definitely uncomfortable but Anakin (as Vader) has been through worse and Fox had to sit through Senator meetings so neither are willing to break the silence. (But Fox does start recording in his helmet as Rex, his vod’ika, would appreciate to see his General if General Skywalker decides to disappear again.)

It’s only after a couple of hours have passed that they move; Palpatine comes in through the office and, surprised by Anakin’s presence, welcomes him back.

“My boy, why you’ve appeared. We were so worried about you!” Palpatine’s glance towards Fox acknowledges the clone but nothing further. “There’s been a search party out looking for you.”

Anakin, standing up, has his head lowered and his fists clenched. His doesn’t speak for many moments before Palpatine asks, “Are you okay, my boy?”

Quick as a flash, Palpatine starts choking. Fox starts but his movements are stops and (he panics) he can’t move (he’s lost control). He knows it’s the Force (it hurts; will he lose time too) and it doesn’t hurt (but it does; he can’t control himself) and he feels fear creep up his spine (he’s not himself; he’s never himself) when Palpatine starts to gag, his face turning purple (help! Someone please! HELP!) and his breaths start coming in faster (where is he? WHERE IS HE?!) and his vision starts to blur (HELP ME!) and he vaguely sees a blue lightsaber turn on (he can’t breathe; oh Fett, he can’t breathe) and quick as lightning, it strikes down (he’s gonna die) and Palpatine’s head rolls over across the office (he’s gonna die! Help! HELP!) when he realizes he’s sitting down with his head (where is his helmet?) between his knees as Anakin speaks. “Breathe, one, two, three. In and out.”

Fox hungrily sucks air in and his lungs start cooperating and he can’t speak, not yet, but as he looks up, he sees (the Chancellor! He’s dead! NO!) Anakin and his eyes...they are blue. They’re blue (yellow) and he doesn’t understand but Anakin starts speaking again. “I’m sorry you had to see that.” His expression is stone cold but sounds at least a little apologetic and Fox works with Senators so he’ll take what he can get.

“Why-” Fox stops. He didn’t notice before but he can breathe (he doesn’t feel trapped) and he can think (he can think past his orders) and he starts over. “Who was he?”

Anakin grimaces. “The Sith Lord we’ve been searching for.” He pauses as Fox clings to his hand, needing something to ground him with. “Lord Sidious.”

And memories rush past Fox, of him speaking and following orders and committing (oh Fett, who did he kill?) atrocities and (he can’t breathe) he sees...the floor? Anakin speaks, “Breathe. In and out.”

Fox closes his eyes as tears run past his cheeks. He’s a horrible person (a good soldier); he’s killed his vod (he’s done his duty); he doesn’t deserve to be here (he’s only a clone).

Anakin’s talking but he can barely hear over his thoughts. Fox greedily breathes in before listening “-know when they’ll find the body but we need to leave now.”

“What?” Fox stares. Leave? Are they traitors? Have they...Are they committing treason? (Well, he thinks, General Skywalker did.)

Anakin lifts his head. “We need to leave. Are you coming with?”

And Fox...he can’t stay with the body. He’ll be decommissioned but he’s not a traitor. His eyes glance back and forth between General Skywalker and Palpatine’s corpse and he can’t...what can he...

“I’m going into shock,” Fox mutters and Anakin, for all his help, jolts back.

“Uhhh,” Skywalker stutters before Fox is laughing. “I’m going insane,” he chokes out, laughing madly at his predicament and Anakin...just stares before turning to the side.

Fox stops and realizes, he’s not the only one crazy. He listens to Anakin’s one-sided conversation (“-my problem?! I didn’t plan to bring him in this mess. I’m sorry not everyone is perfect like you but I couldn’t do nothing!”) and interrupts. “So what’s the plan, General?”

Skywalker turns and thins his lips. “We need to leave.”

Fox snorts. How we gonna do that? But as if he heard his thoughts, Anakin speaks, “I have a cruiser. We’ll need new identities but once we make it to...”

“And where will we be going?” Fox asks because if he’s gonna become a fugitive, he should know the whole plan. “Who will we become?” Why are we leaving, though that answer is pretty much a given.

Anakin just shrugs before helping him to his feet. “We’ll see when we get there, Commander.” Fox snorts and thinks, Of course he had no plan, but Anakin continues. “Don’t worry, Commander. It’ll be better this time.”

And Fox doesn’t want to think of what this time means but he mutters, “My name is Fox,” though if he’s becoming a fugitive, it will only be for a short time before he gets a new name.

It isn’t until they’re leaving the planet that Fox remembers, he forgot his helmet. His helmet, which is still recording the room.

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

(Tone/intention indicator: non-aggressive!! Pensive and open/hopeful for discussion and/or advice. Not at all trying to be a grouch.)

I do get the joke and I get that there's plenty of evidence that he does like to take it up the ass which is rad for him if he does, you know, but it feels crappy to me, the way a lot of the fandom (NOT you—I haven't seen anything like this from you) and actually also Misha treats Dean and sometimes/by proxy Jensen with the whole calling him/them a bottom, especially when Jensen isn't part of the conversation and doesn't even know that there's anything to respond to. It just gets said about him in public, and then onus is on him to find it and respond. It's a gotcha situation though, I don't think there's even anything he could say in his own defense (if he wanted to, that is. idk, for all I know, maybe Jensen is into it too, but that's sort of my problem.. I don't how he feels about being called a girl, a bottom, an omega etc) that people wouldn't claim that, by saying he isn't a bottom, sub or femme, he actually is proving he's a "subby little girlboy," or so I saw it said. I wish we as a community could talk about the nuance and inherent homophobia and transphobia in leering about it that way, in stereotyping 'bottom/subby behavior' and categorizing that behavior as feminine etc. I'm a trans dude, a dom and a top and a lot of the things I see people saying about Dean being a bottom or, worse, about Jensen being a bottom, are just so.. emasculating to me, because a lot of that stuff is stuff I do, too. Dean is a fictional character so his feelings can't get hurt, but Jensen is a real person, you know? And there's like a million people on the internet saying they can tell he's a subby, femme bottom despite whether he's ever said anything to the contrary or not. It's.. jarring, too, since I'm also a real person and they're often pointing to traits and behaviors that I share as evidence. It makes me so dysphoric to see so many people calling him girly and needy and in heat or what have you and citing how he (over)performs masculinity. I over-perform masculinity, too, but I do it because I enjoy the presentation, not because I'm over-compensating and Actually A Girl. I'm actually pretty comfortable in my relationship with gender at this point. Sometimes I also wear dresses. I'm still a dude. It sucks that it seems like the overwhelming opinion is that loudly performing masculinity can only ever mean overcompensation, and never gender euphoria. It seems like a lot more people are more interested in forcing Dean to perform femininity—like people want to humble and humiliate him for his past/present comphet and his idea of his own masculinity—not in allowing him to participate in traditionally non-masculine things according to what he likes, or to perform gender in ways that make him feel authentic and happy. It's like, instead of him aggressively overcompensating his Manly Man-ness, everyone wants to make him aggressively, stereotypically effeminate and one dimensional in the opposite direction. What are your thoughts on it, if you don't mind sharing? Do you think there's a way to have this conversation in the fandom? Or am I missing the point?

hi! okay first of all I love your tone indicators, we should all be doing this online tbh because it absolutely sets the voice for the rest of your ask and I appreciate it so very much.

preliminarily - I am not an expert on this topic in any way, so please take my response with an entire value-size canister of salt.

I think your feelings and thoughts are absolutely valid, and I don't disagree. I personally try to steer clear of most of the real person is this and that thing unless they uh. you know. tweet it out loud at the internet (for what it's worth, I do think - any joking I may have vaguely done aside - that Misha's past two top related tweets specifically were fairly pointed at himself (yes, I know one was about Dean and Cas fanfic, but he said "I" enjoy being on top, not Cas enjoys topping Dean). I am certain he is aware of the innuendo though, and how fandom will take it so your commentary on his being a participant is certainly correct as well. Also, I firmly believe that Misha does treat humans, especially those he is close w, with the utmost respect and any joking he has done re Jensen has been in a place of Jensen being okay with it (like I don't think he would ever say anything he knows would make Jensen feel uncomfortable whether he is within earshot or across the country when it's said).

*takes off Misha apologist hat*

As for the rest, I think your points are extremely well made and it's definitely a conversation that can (and should!) be had in fandom. I do agree that this topic can and has been misconstrued (sometimes for shitposting's sake sometimes not) as it applies to irl people and situations. I personally think that Jensen is a very multidimensional and layered human (which serves him greatly as an actor, I mean he contains literal multitudes) and to classify him as either pendulum end - as you mentioned, is doing his human self a disservice. I think it's also important for all of us to remember that gender is a construct and can be so fluid, so putting any of it in a socially constructed box just defies the entire point of the conversation.

I don't know if this is making any sense (your points are a lot more well spoken and coherent than mine), but I do think what you said is so important and needs to be out there. Also, I hope you know you are so freaking valid and nothing that's said on this site or others about traits/behavioors of Jensen's that mirror your own is a firm definition for those traits/behaviors, especially if people are putting them in a category you don't necessarily agree/feel comfortable with or identify as the right 'definition' if you will. Your words - "to perform gender in ways that make him feel authentic and happy" really resonated with me, and I think they hold true for both Jensen and you. To radically be our authentic selves is the goal, and I'm so glad that based on what you said you're feeling about your own relationship with gender it seems like you are in that place!!!

Sorry this is so long of a response and probably. muddy. I hope I got the gist of what you were asking, but also thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me, you expressed them really clearly and it's given me a lot to think about :) if I got anything wrong, or misunderstood a point you were making please feel free to pop by and clarify or correct me.

I hope you have an excellent day <3

[living-with-pmd]

11 Women With PMDD Share What It's Really Like

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder is the evil cousin of PMS. They share the same types of symptoms—moodiness, increased hunger, cravings, fatigue, cramps, pain, brain fog, and depression, among others—but for PMDD sufferers, those symptoms get so bad they can cripple a woman's ability to lead a normal life.  

While up to 85 percent of women get PMS, according to the US Department of Health, only about 5 percent of women experience PMDD, according to the American Journal of Psychiatry.

We asked women with PMDD what it's really like living with the disorder. Here are their stories:

"I was diagnosed with PMDD last summer. Six months prior to my diagnosis, I started taking a certain birth control and soon every month I was experiencing severe PMS issues. I am a generally happy person, but during those few days I was someone entirely different. I was extremely depressed and anxious, having much more frequent panic attacks, and was super sensitive and lonely. I was even suicidal, which was terrifying. And the worst part was I was convinced that I had always been this miserable, and that I would always be this miserable, and it was never going to change. It felt as if someone had completely burned out the light in me and all happiness and joy and hope was gone. I didn't make the connection that it was related to my period but thankfully a close friend did. I have since switched birth control, which helped a lot, and increased the dosage of my anti-anxiety and anti-depressant meds. Most importantly, I am aware of the way I feel those few days so I know to expect it, and I can logically remind myself that I will stop feeling that way soon. Looking back, I realize that I've probably always had pretty bad PMS or PMDD. The birth control worsened it but it was also causing a lot of issues I wasn't aware of previously as well." —Katherine H., 22, Edmonds, WA

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"PMDD is out of control. I cry really easily for about a week. My biggest issue is that I am convinced that I am failing at everything—being a wife, a mom, work projects, fitness, my whole life! And even though it feels so real I constantly have to question if my feelings are valid or if they are amplified by my cycle. I just set an alert in my phone to remind me to consider my hormones the next time I feel that way." —Krysten B., 32, Toronto, CA

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"A week before my period, I become a complete psycho, completely unlike myself. I'm tearful, want to eat everything that's sweet or salty, have absolutely no tolerance for anything other than perfection, and prefer to be left completely alone. I already take an antidepressant but my PMDD was a complete nightmare so my doctor gave me Prozac to take for just 10 days a month. Basically, I start it when I start to get that irrational feeling and keeping taking it until my period starts. And that's just the emotional stuff. On the physical side, I have debilitating cramps, backaches, and headaches that last for days. Yep. I'm a peach." —Kristen L., 40, Knoxville, TN

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"In the past, PMDD almost made me suicidal and totally broke my spirit. Yes it wasthat bad. Every month. Eventually I got tired of being a 'crazy PMS woman' and decided I needed to fix this. Since I don't like to take pharmaceuticals, I branched out to homeopathic remedies and I discovered St. John's Wort and essential oils, especially clary sage and Doterra Calm-Its. It's a lot better now but I still have my hard days." —Amy S., 43, Zebulon, NC

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"My PMDD got so bad I had to go to a psychiatrist and be put on Prozac along with another antidepressant I was already taking. I was a mess—anxious, crying randomly over the smallest thing, and eating everything in sight. One example is someone made a YouTube mashup of the Age of Ultron trailers with Pinocchio footage and the 'I've got no strings on me' song and that wrecked me for weeks. Every time I thought about scenes from Pinocchio I would start panicking and crying at my work desk. It's been a few years and I'm better now. I'm off birth control and weening myself off the Prozac. I notice a week before my period I will sob during any sad part in a movie or book I'm reading, and a day or two before, I notice I'm more likely to be anxious." —Kate W., 36, Alaska

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"This has impacted my ability to work effectively. My pet peeve is when people say 'it must be close to your time of the month' when they simply don't like what I'm saying. I have run into that problem a lot at previous jobs and it makes it really hard to be taken seriously. It's bullshit because my feelings are valid regardless and also PMDD is not a joke. I am so lucky now to have a male boss who understands but it wasn't always that way. I have also have found a lot of relief with naturopathic and herbal remedies." —Amalia F., 28, Vancouver, Canada

———————————

"My PMS was tolerable until my second child was born and then everything went off the rails. I'd be looking forward to plans with others, happy, and then about 10 to 14 days before my flow would start, my mood would turn on a dime. I'd be horrible—crying, screaming that ~nobody understands~, just so much emotional pain. I'd basically lock myself up in the bedroom for a full day to cry, get angry, and feel sorry for myself. It took three doctors before I finally found one who would listen to me before I was finally diagnosed with PMDD. I took Prozac for three years for it but it made me feel numb, like a zombie and not like myself. So I quit and my family just deals with me now. As I've gotten closer to menopause the PMDD is not as bad, but can be very unpredictable due to hormonal swings from perimenopause. The worst part now is I feel like my friendships have suffered. I always seem to have episodes around major holidays and events and I end up bumming everyone out if I do show up so I end up staying home a lot." —Colleen T., 50, St. Paul, MN

———————————

"I'm overly emotional for the week before my period. Saying that makes it sound like it's not that bad but I get so distraught that my fiance has actually scheduled it in his phone as 'blood sport' to remind himself what's coming. I'm thankful that he's patient because I also feel like everyone hates me that week, too." —Kenlie T., 36, New Orleans, LA

———————————

"All month long I'm fine and feel even and calm and then suddenly, the week before my period, I can't handle even the tiniest little thing. My irritability goes through the roof (which is not great since I have a 5-year-old) and I feel like I have no friends. It really makes me sad." —Jessica S., 28, Broomfield, CO

———————————

"I know my period is coming because all of a sudden all of my joints hurt, especially my knees and ankles. I also get crazy gnarly cramps and once I even had a cyst that ruptured while I was on a date and the guy had to take me to the hospital! It was so embarrassing. Thankfully my husband now is very understanding when this time rolls around each month. The worst part is people who just think I make this stuff up. Some months are better than others and sometimes the pain is completely debilitating! My emotions are also a rollercoaster. Anytime I see something cute or inspiring, I burst into tears." —Ivie C., 21, Rexburg, ID

———————————

"My PMDD manifests in both mental and physical symptoms. From the time I got my period at age 12, I've had extreme cramps and heavy bleeding. I'd leak at school through a super maxi pad every class so I'd tie sweatshirts around my waist and have to scrub my clothes when I got home. It was super humiliating. I'd have to take six to eight ibuprofen at a time to deal with cramps, and if I didn't I'd end up on the floor sweating like I had the flu. Sometimes I'd even throw up. This meant I ended up spending a lot of time sick in bathrooms and knew where every restroom was at all times. Birth control helped manage the PMDD and other issues, but as soon as I was done having kids, I had a hysterectomy. That was the best thing I've ever done." —Mandy P., 39, Mendon, UT

https://www.womenshealthmag.com/health/a19972132/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder/

[incorrect-mha-bnha]

Trans Bakugou HC????

His first genuine smile happened after waking up from top surgery to see himself finally weightless after years of drowning. No one would ever forget how bright and alive he seemed as tears fell down his face in the hospital. Kirishima could have sworn to hearing a laugh slip through at one point, but of course that was denied.

Bakugou designed his hero suit to be a cross tank because he assumed his top surgery would have been done by then but sadly, kidnapping and hero bs got in the way. Now he has to wear sports bras under it until the appointment can be booked. Leaving him pissed and just slightly dysphoric out and about which helps aid his sour mood while training.

My poor boy Bakugou has D cups. Pray for him😔...No, but for real. The size of his unfortunate lumps caused a lot of dysphoria while wearing his hero suit. (Going back to the previous bullet) Because of their size, it was a lot harder to bind to satisfactory which led to a lot of methods being used until he just said fuck it and started weight lifting. (For those who don’t know, weight lifting turns breast tissue into muscle and some other cool pectoral shit. I know this because my Ma is a personal trainer.) It shrunk him down a few sizes while building muscle, giving the illusion of pecs so wearing a sports bra was bearable.

Bakugou went through many phases of figuring out who he wanted to be (that’s obvious but I’m not talking about gender wise) in terms of style and personality. He tried different types of styles until one stuck, now he looks like a gremlin in baggy clothes (on occasions). He also went through a makeup phase to try and darken his features.

When Bakugou is really dysphoric, he hunches over and grumbles a lot. Everyone usually stays away, discounting Midoriya and Kirishima. Them being the bravest and brightest always gang up on Bakugou to help bring his spirits and confidence up. Even let him get the anger out with a rough spar.

Bakugou changes in the bathroom of the locker room to avoid invasive eyes (Mineta) or is released 5 minutes early by his teachers to get a head start.

During his pre-top surgery days, Bakugou would wear a baggy shirt into the pool But practically avoided it altogether. The first person to really get him comfortable enough to uncross his arms in the pool, given that they somehow coaxed him in, was Kirishima.

Bakugou was never self conscious about his height, being visited by the height fairy during puberty but his hips and chest? Count them as life ruiners. Baby had so many dysphoria episodes in front of the mirror that he turned into an angry introvert.

T does a lot of shit to your body, one of those being heightening your aggression levels. If Bakugou was already slightly aggressive to begin with, his pleasancey took a nose dive after starting T.

Sigh, back on my KiriBaku bs but anyway. THE FIRST PERSON TO EVER CALL BAKUGOU MANLY WAS KIRISHIMA. AND THAT SHIT HIT DIFFERENTLY.

Uhmmm pro hero Bakuhou starting a fundraiser for trans kids and adults who are homeless, jobless (Aka struggling), in need of support or looking for others like them, searching for clarity, even protection. Bakugou is like the trans Jesus, that is all.

He literally hates what he feels like when someone points out that his mother and him look alike. Yeah, he fucking gets it but is there a need to point it out? Damn.

COMMITS himself to doing regular vocal excersises to lower his voice, even with T. His usual gruff tone is to mask the voice cracks he gets on the hormones, because that would be embarrassing.

When Bakugou got the call that he was going to get top surgery, he literally blew his phone up with so much excitment then burst into tears.

Showers suck- nuff said.

Midoriya was the first person to ever know about Bakugou being trans. So, he started bullying Midoriya into silence but soon realized the boy wouldn’t have uttered a word anyway and simply wanted to help and be there for him. Of course, Bakugou, being young and new to the life change, wanted everyone who had once known him as a girl to be gone. That meant he would try and remove Midoriya from his life for good but the green boy just kept on bouncing back. Imagine his surprise to know the one person with his secret would be attending high school with him. Shit got flipped.

All of the girls carry extra supplies for emergencies. Bakugou does too but sometimes a p*riod (I bleep because it can be a sensitive topic) just pops out of nowhere. It gets him frustrated and embarrassed whenever he isn’t prepared but the girls somehow always know the right timing to whisk him off to help or stealthily stuff some things into his pocket as they cross paths. It’s like a cartel of drugs but the girls are being true friends with pads in the end. Kirishima even got on the bandwagon and started carrying supplies for whoever may need it.

Bakugou refused to wear tampons, shit was a no go.

In the beginning, Bakugou would frequently steal one of the girl’s heating pads whenever the pain got unbearable. They hardly minded but Momo gifted him one as a present. He uses it all the time.

After he came out and became comfortable, Bakugou would joke about donating his lumps to the girls that bitched about being small chested. (We are looking at you Jirou). “Free unfortunate lumps for sale! I don’t want them, take the damn things!”, “Hey! Give me your chest, switch with me!”

Bakugou is a night dweller for many reasons. 1.) Time to not bind and give himself a break while doing stretches. 2.) snacks are Free real estate 3.) It’s easier to not bind while everyone isn’t there to witness him walking to relieve tension.

Bakugou once heard that frequent conception of coffee leads to a decrease in breast size by 0.3 cups. Bakugou ended up consuming so much that he stayed up for a total of 72 hours, almost overdosed, couldn’t sit still, finished everyone’s homework plus his own, deep cleaned the entire dorm and trained until he crashed. Now, he hates the taste of it but swears that his little shits shrunk a whole cup.

Imma say this loudly because it’s my favorite hc mostly because it’s what I do. BAKUGOU HATES WEARING LIGHT COLORS, THE BIGGEST FUCK NO GOS OUT TO WHITE SHIRTS. HE PREFERS TO WEAR DARK COLORS BECAUSE HIS BINDER IS BLACK. THE ONLY REASON HE WEARS HIS UNFORM, BEGRUDGINGLY, IS BECAUSE THE MATERIAL ISNT SEE THROUGH AND IT IS ALSO CRUMPLY. AKA, EASILY COVERS HIM UP BY GOING A SIZE UP.

His waist in snatched thanks to those bitch ass hips.

His first post surgery outfit was a very thin material white shirt because fuck yeah, get a view of his binder less chest under there!

Bakugou wears headphones while going about in public for a few reasons. 1.) He doesn’t like interacting with people and the headphones usually wards them off from bothering him. 2.) Loud music in his ears tends to tune out people misgendering him and transphobes being chucklefucks.

Bakugou got his respect to be called a guy from his family by blatantly ignoring anyone who called him by his deadman and/or used the wrong pronouns. “Bitch, suddenly I can’t hear. I don’t know who you think you are calling.”

Bakugou is very proud of any hair that grows on his body. (Sigh, take that how you wish). Literally prances around the UA grounds showing off even the tineiest hint of a beard, and raves over his growing leg hair.

Bakugou’s favorite movie is Mulan, fight me on that.

Bakugou’s life zeal is Be Trans Throw Hands

More to be added

Part 2

Part 3

[queerlyhalloween]

Not to sound like the joker™️ but i hate western society. I know that hair and clothes aren't gendered, so do most of my mates, ive been working hard at unlearning the internalized transphobia that's just a part of being trans in the UK and actually ALLOWING myself to think about going on hormones and dressing in ways other than "ambigious as possible" despite the fact im non-binary

i grew myself a little mullet because ive not been working in the pub and wanted solid snake hair, ive allowed myself to look at my face and the long hair around it and not despair because i know that longer hair doesn't make me a woman, but the moment you go into a shop, or get takeaway or pass by people in the street its all "move out the way of this lady!" and "thank you, ma'am"

i dont want the gender option of 'other' on my ID i want to know 1 good reason why gender should be listed on an ID in the 1st place

ive just come back from the range and i had my hair up like some e-thot fuckboy, i had to go BACK to the range because they got my click and collect order wrong so ive got two members of staff looking over my order, im dressed in black jeans and a black masc-looking ripped shirt, mask covering half my face and as the manager's showing the kid who served me the receipt they go "oh I served that guy earlier" and the manager corrects them "its a lady". I say "im niether" and they both just stare at me like im a toddler. Im already panicking because the air feels the same way it did when some cunt came after me in the pub toliets. "dont worry about it :)" i say, they both turn back to the tills and completely ignore me.

Anyway, micro-aggressions, ive experienced a lot of them for many reasons over the course of my life and today ive decided to snap.

Not at the people in the range like, just in general.

I will never pass. That's just an element of trans euphoria i will never get to experience. Not right off the bat, anyway. Not where i live, and most likely not in my lifetime. Maybe for kids in LA or Brighton, and hey power to you guys man im happy for you, but people assume or guess m/f when they look at me and they will never get it right.

So when i see people on this site try and twitter etc rank "who's the most oppressed"™️ like a godamn smash bros tier list it blows my mind because of all the things you could spend your days doing thats what youre expending energy on?!

You could be the exact same age, race, sex, gender, sexuality, you could have the exact same disabilities, mental health conditions and money in your bank as another person on this site and you'd still never understand what they've been through. Our experiences, our families, our morals and lives are always gonna be different and the moment you try to write definitive rules on whose got it worse you've already lost and you're already wrong. Oppressed classes are not a fucking hivemind and pretending they are is only going to cause you more problems. I get the strong sense that some of you looked at the word intersectionality, went "ah yeah, i know what that means" having never read up on the matter, then proceeded to play the pain olympics.

And its creating a culture where kids feel the need to spills their souls online to justify living their lives!

You've not listed your disabilites in your bio so you're able-bodied. You're Irish but haven't listed your race so you're white. You're cis man so you've never played with gender and suffered as a result. You're asexual so clearly you're a cringeworthy baby who's never experienced a wrong-doing in their life.

The reverse is true too, if you list every aspect of yourself then you're automatically honest. The more opressed you are the less likely you are of causing harm to others. Psht, don't have a carrd in this day and age? What are you, a fraud? cishet white man playing make believe? Post a selfie or face the wrath of ozymandaus. What's privacy? It takes me 3 minutes to read the bio on this discourse side-blog so clearly they're an angel.

my mam abused me for years, she did the same to my brother when i left home at 18 and my dad drank himself to death. My nan, his mother, never believed me because my mam's a disabled woman with a lot of trauma, and at 14 how do you explain to the woman who takes you to the beach that it's WORSE because as she's beckoning you to the side of her bed so she can scream point blank in your face, or hit you, you're never truely sure, you're thinking about running away because of course she physically can't chase you but she can throw. And then where would you go if you did buggar off?

"You have to sleep sometimes" she used to say to me when I'd piss her off. Other days she told me horror stories about kids in care, and disabled people having their kids taken away, made me promise that I'd always love her and always be her baby, and I'd do that for her because she's my mam, she'd be satisfied then ignore me for a while. I grew up thinking that was entirely normal until i'd tell funny family stories at school and nobody would laugh. The closest I got to truely running away was when I changed my name and pronouns and her rejection, turned to vitriol one night and I so, so, nearly held a knife to my throat and simply fell forwards in the uni showers. Obviously I didn't do that.

But she's had a shitter life than me thus far so she's in the right, as the online black/white dichotomy states. I keep her at arm's length but I'm unable to cut her away without losing the rest of my family because I dared defy the role of eldest child and care for her as I've done my whole life, as is expected.

we need to take things on a case by case basis, and learn when stuff is none of our business.

"Hey! :) I see you've reclaimed (X) slur, without submitting the proper paperwork. Real quick tell me every trauma you've ever experienced or I'll write a callout post :) delete this anonymous message (as is your right) and i'll assume you as sus ❤"

you can only call yourself a dyke if on your 13th birthday, the moon's tender rays struck you through your bedroom window and gave you your first wet dream about girls.

Great, cool. I have no interest in calling myself a dyke, i cant call myself a lesbian because it makes me dysphoric, thats why im queer, but i can assure you that when 3 kids from catholic school pinned me under the bridge and threatened to cut me open for being a "dirty dyke tramp" they didn't play 20Qs with me first to check that i was actually a lesbian.

if your first thought is "well thats just misdirected homophobia, so youre not ACTUALLY a victim" log the fuck off and consider what's wrong with you. Because all our oppressors care about is sniffing out the wrong on you and beating it out, they dont care what breed of wrong it is.

so you're going to spend your day, the enlightened adult that you are, frothing at the mouth because some 15yr old dared call themselves butch despite them being OnLY a BiSexUAl? You're gonna say that trans woman deserves to be suicidal because yes she may be trans BUT she's from the UK, so clearly she loves her horrid country and government. You're gonna say that black lad deserves racial abuse because he's trying to focus on his studies rather than go to protests. That 19yr old who's living in poverty deserves it because they work for Amazon. Texans deserve to freeze to death because there are republicans in Texas.

You're going to harass a complete stranger coming to terms with the parts of themselves society has taught them are worthless at best because they're not doing it the way YOU think is right.

This post has not ended where I started it but I really dont care:

Some of you are so fucking desperate to be the bullies you never got to be in secondary school and it shows. But you're cowards. You can't just admit you want to divide and concur so you do it in a new woke way and when your time on this earth is done, you'll have commited the same pain that's been dealt to you and wonder why you died miserable in a world thats more or less the same.

okay to reblog but dont @ me for a debate because i have, like, real problems and will just block you

[scatteredcloud]

Top Surgery: What Really Happens pt 2

Tumblr decided I couldn’t put any chest pictures in sorry

See the first guide for details about getting ready and the pre-op appointment! This guide is about the day of surgery, pt1 is about getting ready for surgery

Getting Ready - Recovery- Drains

My surgeon was Dr. Jerry Chao, who’s based in the George Washington Medical School. If you’re looking for a surgeon on the mid-Atlantic, I would absolutely recommend Dr. Chao. He’s incredibly respectful and does fantastic work. He also does FFS, and breast augmentation, and while I can’t speak for those results, he certainly did an impressive job with my chest. He has a history of working with trans patients, and is really good at avoiding dysphoria-inducing language. It’s clear that he’s genuinely committed to helping you.

Leading Up To The Big Day:

-You’ll get specific details about when you have to stop eating and drinking before surgery, but for me, I wasn’t allowed to eat after midnight the night before, and I had to stop drinking anything three hours before my surgery, which was 10am for me. (Apparently you have to fast because you might aspirate while under anesthesia, which means that your stomach fluids could get sucked up in the breathing tube which is, you know. Bad.)

-My surgery was scheduled for 1:30pm, but they ask you to arrive 2 hours before hand. We got there at 10:30, just to be sure.  

- Like I said in the last post, bring something to do while you wait. It’s excruciating to be super nervous and then have to wait for a really long time with nothing to do.

-I’m not kidding about the waiting, once they call you back you change into your hospital gown, and then you wait another 30 minutes. My mom was able to stay with me until they wheeled me off for the surgery itself.

The Medical Stuff:

-The nurse came in to put my clothes and bag in a locker, and then she did my IV. I asked her to move it to my arm, because I’m really scared of anything happening to my hands. She said they do the lowest extremities by default so the tubes don’t get in the way, but you can definitely ask them to move it if it’s uncomfortable. She also put the pulse monitor on my finger, and that just gets taped on.

-This might not be true of other places, but I was specifically in with a bunch of other breast cancer patients who were also getting mastectomies, because it’s essentially the same procedure as top surgery. It made me feel a little dysphoric, but all of the curtains were drawn around people, so it’s not like they could see me or anything. It also meant my hospital gown was purple instead of a drab greenish grey, which I liked.  

-About a thousand nurses and doctors come in and out to ask you the same questions over and over. Be ready to read off your legal name (yeah it sucks) like five different times. They have to verify that you’re still coherent and that they aren’t getting their charts mixed up.

-Because the hospital I was at was attached to a med school, some students asked me if I wanted to be in a study for a new device to help place IV’s. It was a good way to kill a couple minutes, but obviously this isn’t standard.

-The original nurse came back in and gave me some pain killers ahead of time, so they’d already be working by the time I was out of surgery, which was a huge help.

-Eventually my anesthesiologist and his crew came in to talk to me about what the medications would be and what they did. One of them put an anti nausea patch behind my ear, which has done wonders. I don’t remember the name of it, but I’m sure you cold ask about it. Then they walked me through the process of what being put under anesthesia is like, but I didn’t actually end up being conscious when they were doing all the stuff they talked about.

-My surgeon came in and marked up my chest. I had a picture here but tumblr decided that an incredibly clinical and objective picture of my chest was too titlating. This is ehere you an ask any more specific questions during the procedure, you can also ask about specific aesthetic things, like nipple size and placement, scar shape etc. Obviously the surgeon knows what’s best, but mine at least was very accomodating.

-After that, the anesthesiologist came back in and put something in my IV to make me really drowsy. By the time we got to the operating room I was already out of it, I vaguely remember them adjusting my arms, but then it was lights out for me.

Recovery:

-Anesthesia really is like time travel, you’re being wheeled out one second and in recovery the next. That was the part I was the most nervous of, just like not being aware of anything happening, but I was too sleepy to be aware of that going in to surgery  -At least in my experience, recovery nurses are always more rude than the prep nurses. (My brother has to have MRI’s all the time so I’ve spent a good bit of time in the recovery room, some how they’re always kind of tactless) I doubt this is true of all recovery nurses, of course, mine was rushing me through the process though. They probably just want people out of there as fast as possible because of COVID. -I have on a compression vest, which makes my chest feel like the first time I put on a binder. It’s pretty tight, but it forces you to sit a certain way, and it helps the drains, well, drain. I know that some people just get wrapped in ace bandages, but either way, you’ll have some kind of compression on. This is what mine looks like: It’s going to look bumpy and weird with all the gauze on it, so don’t worry.

-I managed to sit up and drink some water right away, and I was just kind of groggy, which was good. The nurse brought my clothes back and I got my shirt on ok, but I was immediately too dizzy to stand right away. I ended up vomiting into the trash can next to me, but it didn’t last and I was able to get my pants on and they wheeled me out. -The nurse sort of explained the drains to my mom, but we ended up having to look up more information about them when we got home. THIS is the best source I’ve found for it. (Dysphoria warning, it’s a breast cancer site) Like I said, they were rushing. I was officially discharged at 5:30pm. -I don’t actually have a whole lot of memory leaving the recovery room and getting down to the car, I remember thinking that the nurse who was wheeling me out was going too fast.   -My mom had wisely brought a bag to throw up in, which I did one more time, but then I fell asleep again. -I was able to get into bed, and the pain killers knocked me out until about 9:30. I had a smoothie, took a sleep aid, and was asleep by 11:30. I woke up really early in the morning to go to the bathroom, and I took another pain killer. I fell back to sleep at about 5:45am, and then I actually woke up at about 9:30am. Overall, my pain level is super low. I feel sore, but I’ve been able to get up and walk around no problem. Honestly the most uncomfortable thing I’ve been dealing with is feeling my heart beat against the gauze, and that’s just weird it doesn’t hurt. It affects people completely differently though, so I don’t want to imply that minimal pain is the standard. I’m really grateful that this is how it’s working out for me.

I’ll make another post when I get my drains out, and when I can see my chest, but I hope this helps!

[raineydaywrites]

Nesting Chapter 13

on ao3 (x)

Fic Summary: Taako and Lup are determined to kick ass at going to university, even though their childhood education was anything but traditional.

Then, Taako finds himself in a situation that threatens to undermine all their hard work.

But there's plenty of university students that have kids! Really, this is just another chance to show how much better they are at everything they do- they can definitely manage to graduate and raise a kid at the same time.

Chapter summary: The IPRE crew is starting to come together!! This is pure fluff.

Chapter: Once he'd started showing, it didn't take long for stretchy and flowy clothing choices to be his only real options. He wasn't yet stuck with only pregnancy clothes, would be able to fit into some of the stuff he'd already owned for a little while yet, but he was getting there.

By now he'd basically stolen a good percent of Lup's stretchy and flowy clothes as well, finding himself frustrated with the decrease in his wardrobe options. She'd let him for the most part, with only the occasional annoyed look instead of any confrontations about the matter, which he was very grateful for. He didn't want to feel self-conscious about the way he looked now, but every once in a while the thoughts popped up and being able to wear mostly clothing that he'd already liked instead of generic pregnancy clothes all the time was helping with that.

Random people around him were starting to notice. He could tell. Very few of them had said anything quite yet, because it was rude to assume and all that, but he noticed the way that people's eyes would catch briefly on his stomach, or they would offer him a seat or whatever without saying anything.

He appreciated the seat thing, honestly. His feet and legs had hurt a lot recently, which he hadn't expected so early in. He still had so much time to go; both he and the baby still had a lot of growing to do, so the discomfort was sure to only get worse from here. Sitting down as much as possible made that a lot better.

Being clocked as a pregnant person by strangers wasn't making him as dysphoric as he'd feared. It happened sometimes, but he could handle it for the most part. He could accept being seen as feminine at times, as long as it wasn't the only thing people saw him as ever. So he was getting by.

No, for the most part, it was just weird. This whole thing was so personal and private, and yet so many people knew about it without knowing a single other thing about him. Taako had always been a bit showy, but that didn't mean that he wasn't also a very private person. He liked being the center of attention when he was in control of it.

He wasn't in control of almost any of this.

Wasn't all bad though. Kiddo had started moving around a lot more- they weren't really kicking yet, which Lup was incredibly disappointed about, but Taako appreciated the fact that the movements weren't hurting him, so as far as he was concerned, baby could wait on that as long as they liked.

It was weird to feel someone moving inside of him like this, but it was nice too. A reminder that he hadn't messed them up. They were here, they were alive, and they were active.

The morning sickness wasn't completely gone, but it had diminished severely and now his biggest appetite problem had jumped to the opposite side of the spectrum. He was hungry all the time, and sometimes for really weird stuff, but at least that problem was one he was more comfortable handling. Now that he could cook again without fearing that he'd quickly lose anything he got down, he had this shit taken care of. And if he didn't have whatever he was craving, he could just transmute it from something else. He pitied the poor fools who couldn't, who just had to deal with it some other way.

He and Lup had turned in their applications for the planar exploration expedition a little bit ago, and now the only thing to do was wait. Taako had wondered if he should disclose his pregnancy in the application. The only thing worse than getting turned down for the expedition would be to be accepted, only to be told that they wouldn't send someone pregnant on a mission like this.

But in the end, he decided not to. There wasn't a set date for the mission yet, at least, not one that they'd revealed to the applicants or the public, so it might not even be an issue by then. It would definitely take months for them to make their selections, and probably a fair amount of training time after that, so there was no point in giving them a reason to doubt his capabilities before they even really considered him.

He really hoped that Lup would get the opportunity at least. If he couldn't go, the next best thing was for his sister to get the chance. She had insisted that she wouldn't go without him, but he refused to be the reason that she missed out on an opportunity like this.

But Lup had equally refused to leave him alone when he was heavily pregnant and soon to give birth.

They'd ended up managing to compromise that she would stay if the mission date would overlap his due date, because he didn't exactly love the idea of going through those experiences alone either. He'd really been trying to avoid thinking about the entire idea of labor, because he knew it would be one of the most painful experiences of his life, and that was both terrifying and unavoidable.

"The shit I'm gonna go through for you..." Taako mumbled to himself- mumbled to the parasite, more specifically, because he wasn't normally the type of guy to talk to himself when no one else was around. If only because he had very rarely been in a situation where he had no one else around.

He was sure he'd heard somewhere that babies could hear stuff at some point, but he had no idea when. He'd thought about looking up stuff like that, but it kept slipping his mind.

He'd only ended up looking up one of those 'how big is my baby' sites once, because it had made his hormones go absolutely wild and he'd turned into an absolute mess, crying about how tiny the little guy was. He had been very glad that Lup had not been in the room with him, because even though he knew she wasn't going to judge him, especially right now, she still would have found it very funny, and he'd have felt embarrassed about it.

He was a stone-cold bitch, not a sap who cried over cute things!

It was different though, when his hormones were acting different than usual,- when it was his cute thing.

He was allowed to think his own child was cute! He just didn't want anyone to think that he couldn't still be a badass while also loving his kid! He's a multidimensional being, he's allowed to feel both things!

He let one hand rest on his stomach over where the baby was fluttering around while he checked the mailbox.

He hadn't expected anything interesting, so he went still with surprise when he pulled out two envelopes from the Institute- one bearing his name and the other with Lup's.

He would wait for Lup to get back before he opened them. They should do this together- he didn't want to do it without her anyway, no matter what the results were. If they were good or if they were bad, he would figure it out with his sister by his side- as they always had been.

Still, despite his determination not to open the letters without Lup, he couldn't stop his mind from thinking about it.

The envelopes were rather thin. Was that a bad sign? Would they have sent more information if they'd been accepted? The two envelopes were about the same width, which could either mean that they'd both gotten the same results or that there was no extra info for people who had been accepted to the next phase.

Which basically meant, he still had absolutely no idea of what the results were, just as he always had. The only difference now was that he couldn't stop thinking about it.

He tried to get some homework done, but it quickly became clear that that was a lost cause. But he couldn't seem to get invested in anything else either- nothing fun, nothing productive- he just sat at the kitchen table, one leg bouncing anxiously as he waited for his sister to get home.

Her class should be done by now, what the hell was she doing?

When the front door finally opened, he shot Lup an exasperated look, and asked exactly that.

"I went for coffee with Lucretia," Lup said, frowning in mild confusion.

"Ugh, gods, of course you pick the absolute worst time to go on your first date with her," Taako groaned. He may have been low-key encouraging them to spend time together, but he hadn't expected it to backfire on him like this.

Lup blushed at his words, and Taako rolled his eyes as she sputtered, "It's not like that! We're friends!"

So apparently, even the silver lining he'd thought he spotted for a second there was taken from him.

"Did something happen?" Lup asked, putting away her bags without even looking at him. She had gotten used to the fact that Taako could be extra irritable than usual with his mood swings, and since he didn't look hurt or sad or scared or anything, she figured it was probably no big deal.

"We got the results from the Institute!" Taako announced, and Lup spun to face him, her eyes going wide.

"What? Oh my gods, gimme!" she said, reaching grabby hands out towards her brother.

Taako handed it over to her, already ripping open his own, finally.

His eyes quickly skimmed the letter, past the formal niceties to figure out what he actually wanted to know.

 You are invited to the next round of selections. An interview-

Having parsed the relevant part, he looked up to Lup with a huge grin on his face, and felt it grow bigger when he realized that she was giving him the same smile.

"You got into round two, right?" he asked anyway, needing to make sure.

"You know it!" Lup said, delighted, holding up a hand for a high five that Taako immediately returned.

"Me too, natch," Taako said, casual, as if he'd never doubted it for a second. He pulled Lup into a hug, even though that had been getting harder to do recently.

Gods he hoped they'd planned this thing for a time when he could actually go. He was already starting to show by now, and it would only get more obvious as the interview date neared, so he could hardly hide it from them.

Not that he'd ever try to keep it from them completely. He couldn't hide it forever, and it would only piss them off if they found out after they'd actually offered him a spot. And for all he knew, it could be hella risky for the baby to leave the planar system, and he really ought to ask the experts first instead of crossing his fingers and hoping for the best. He couldn't risk hurting the kid for an opportunity that he knew he was good enough to get again in the future. Going on the very first expedition would be a dream, but it would still be amazing to go on any expedition.. It would be a disappointment if he had to wait, but not one worth hurting his kid over.

Still, he'd have preferred to get in at least a good first impression before breaking that bit of news to his hopefully future employers. He knew that he could be a bit of an acquired taste, but he could do a good first impression when he tried. This wasn't going to help with that. They probably had a tone of applicants who weren't PR nightmares in the making. Taako was good, but he wasn't sure he was good enough to convince them to risk the press tearing them apart over sending a pregnant person on a potentially dangerous mission.

Nothing to do about it now though. He'd go, and he'd make his best case for himself, and they'd make a decision. All he could do was try his best to convince them that he was absolutely irreplaceable.

-

Lucretia had asked to come visit the weekend before their interviews were scheduled. She'd seemed really excited about something over the call, and Lup and Taako had news to share as well, so Lup told her she could come over now if she wanted to.

Taako had rolled his eyes at that, as if he wasn't also excited to boast about being invited to the next round, just as much as she was.

Even if Lup had admitted to herself that okay, maybe she had a bit of a crush of Lucretia, that didn't meant that everything she did around the other girl was a sign of that! She wanted to hang out with a friend and get praised for what a good job she and her brother had done! That's it! She just liked having friends and being complimented!

When Lucretia arrived, she was wearing a bright yellow sundress, and Lup couldn't quite take her eyes off of her. She looked really good in it.

See, now that was the kind of thing that Taako had a right to tease her about- even if she really hoped he'd ignore it instead of tormenting her with it.

Didn't seem like that was all that likely though, given the shit-eating grin he gave her at the look on her face, before greeting Lucretia with, "Looking good, Creesh!"

"Thanks!" Lucretia smiled at him, tossing her hair a bit and posing cutely, which was absolutely unfair. "It's finally getting warmer out so I couldn't resist."

"Hey, when you look that good in something, why try to resist at all, right?" Lup said. That was probably too strong a compliment. "That's my attitude, at least," she added. It was true- Lup knew she was hot and she enjoyed showing that off- and hopefully it would make the first thing she said less incriminating.

A slight blush had taken over Lucretia's face at the continuing compliments, and considering how hard it was for a blush to show on her dark skin, she must have been pretty affected by it.

Gods, Lup had to do something about that. It was weird how Lucretia could be so confident in some ways and so insecure and withdrawn in others. She was clearly proud of her work and her skills, but in social situation, she turned into a nervous mess. Lup found it equal parts endearing and exasperating.

"So what's this big news?" Taako asked, breaking the silence and prompting Lucretia to perk up in excitement, back to confident once again.

"I've ghost-written a few biographies before- I don't think I told you guys that, but anyway- and so I earned a reputation, of sorts and I was invited to apply as a chronicler for a really interesting project soon, and I just got the news that I've been officially chosen!" Lucretia announced, giddy with excitement.

"That's awesome!" Lup said, high-fiving Lucretia, and Taako echoed the sentiment and offered a thumbs up from his position on the couch. "What the project?"

"I'm not supposed to give out too many details, but it's a kind of exploratory mission for the Institute," Lucretia explained.

"Wait- you mean the one to explore other planes, yeah?" Taako asked.

"Yes- how you do you know about that?" Lucretia asked, tilting her head like a curious bird.

"We applied as arcanists for the mission," Taako said, voice trying to project 'casual and sure of himself,' but slowly getting more and more excited too. "Got past the first round of approval and we're going in to interview next week."

Lucretia's mouth popped open in surprise, before splitting into another wide grin. "Are you kidding me?"

"Nah, babe, totally serious," Lup said, bouncing on her toes eagerly. "They haven't made final selections for arcanists yet- obviously- but it would be so cool to go on the mission with you!"

Lucretia nodded eagerly. "Of course. I hope you get it!"

Taako stood up from the couch with a tiny bit of difficulty that Lup and Lucretia pointedly didn't comment on to give Lucretia another high five, and then offering another to Lup as well, just for the hell of it.

"How come you get to know already?" he asked, mock annoyed. "Must be saving the best for last."

Lucretia just giggled, too happy to take any offense to that. "I think probably there are fewer writers who even applied than there are arcanists. Like, a lot of writers are probably much happier not going out on brand new ships with experimental technology into places we've never been to before. Not that I can understand that at all. So it's easier to narrow us down than the narrow down all the people who have literally been studying to do exactly this."

"Okay, we have to get chosen now, Ko. This whole setup is just getting better and better," Lup said.

"For sure. I am not going a couple months without either of my best babysitters," Taako said.

"You think I'm gonna be super good at babysitting, Koko?" Lup raised an eyebrow. "You realize I know jackshit about babies, right?"

"My cheapest babysitters," Taako amended.

"I am not watching your kid for free, even if they are my nibling," Lucretia immediately denied, shaking her head. "Knowing you, they're going to be a handful, and I demand payment in food, at least."

"Yeah, my cheapest babysitters, like I said," Taako insisted. He paused a moment, as another thought occurred to him. "You think they'll let us bring the kiddo if we promise not to let 'em bother everybody else? Like, they'd have three separate family members to wrangle them; I'm sure we could work something out."

"No?" Lucretia said. "I mean, like, that would be ideal, I admit, but I don't think the people arranging this mission are insane. No offense."

"I mean, totally worth a shot though, right?" Taako turned to Lup. "Worst they could say is no! You miss 100% of the shots you never take!"

"That is never gonna happen, but yeah, we can ask," Lup said. "You never know. I mean, Creesh, you say they're not insane, but isn't this whole concept a tiny bit insane? If you think about it?"

Lucretia shrugged, grinning, not letting any worries that this wouldn't work out dampen her excitement. "You know, I suppose you have a point. Ideally, this mission isn't being led by people with such poor decision making skills, but if it is- hey, silver lining, we all get to go together!"

"Yeah!" Taako cheered at her willingness to go along with the goof. "That's the spirit!"

Lup laughed so hard she thought she might fall over. Gods, as much as she loved Taako, she was realizing that having more people than just him around was even better. She hadn't realized how isolated they were until recently. She didn't actually need anybody but Taako, but it was kind of nice to have them anyway. Her family was getting bigger with at least the addition of the baby, and maybe she could even count Lucretia as family too, indirectly at least.

It had always been her and Taako against everyone else, and they could handle that. But getting a few more people on their side wasn't a bad thing. Far from it. It was the best thing.

[becausewhatiam-iswhatimnot]

I am so so sorry but I can't read your bio is there any way you can copy and paste it somewhere in black and white :')

"When given the choice between being right and being kind, chose kind"| Memento Mori My Friends | Genderfluid, Grey-romantic, Demi-sexual | Be Trans Throw Hands Bitches | I'm an Unus and you can't stop me | Minor | I'm Nøah. | I am almost always free to to talk and vent to. Just shoot an ask or DM. Please, you're worth more than you think. I want to help. | I accept all people unless you a -phobe. | I'm the scary trans person the media warned you about! | Once drowned in the depths of darkness, you lose sight of light. When that light has dispersed there is no return. My light has died out long ago and so there's nothing back for me to go back, or look forward to I shall continue to indulge myself in this darkness until it completely consumes me, then I will be nothing but an empty course left on this cold & cruel world to rot. | Knowing you’re different is only the beginning. If you accept these differences you’ll be able to get past them and grow even closer. | If you wanna stop this, then stand up. Because I’ve got one thing to say to you. Never forget who you want to become! | There’s nothing crueler than letting a dream end midway. | The deeper the darkness, the more dazzling the light shines | The things we do outlast our mortality. The things we do are like monuments that people build to honor heroes after they've died. They're like the pyramids that the Egyptians built to honor the pharaohs. Only instead of being made of stone, they're made out of the memories people have of you. | A fresh start gives us the chance to reflect on the past, weigh the things we’ve done, and apply what we’ve learned from those things to the future. If we don’t examine the past, we don’t learn from it. | Someone I loved gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift. | Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. 

-You remind me everyday, I'm not enough but I still stay. (July by Noah Cyrus) | 

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. | 

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. | 

I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.  | Maybe, just maybe I want to kiss jk jk unless... | 

Nothing is impossible. The word itself says "I'm possible!" | 

Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment, until it becomes a memory. | "Shut up, count your calories. I never looked good in mom jeans. Wish I, was like you. Blue-eyed blondie, perfect body. Maybe I should try harder. You should lower your expectations" (prom queen, beach bunny) | 

"Don't let me see what I am. 'Cause I can't stand, it, no I can't. I'm coming back round again. It's been over a year, I thought this was the end. And now I don't remember comfort. Because what I am is what I'm not. I don't belong here, it's just hopeless. Find me a way out if you love me at all. Don't let me hear what they say. 'Cause I can't stand it everyday. I'm thinking that I should leave now. And I don't think I'm coming back this time. 'Cause now I don't remember comfort. Because what I am is what I'm not. This phantom skin it's weird to live in, so find me a way out if you love me at all" (Dysphoric, Cavetown) *I legit put down the whole song XD* | "Carry on my wayward son. There'll be peace when you are done. Lay your weary head to rest. Don't you cry no more" (Carry On My Wayward Son, Kansas) | 

"Settle down, it'll all be clear. Don't pay no mind to the demons, they fill you with fear. The trouble it might drag you down. If you get lost, you can always be found. Just know you're not alone. 

'Cause I'm going to make this place your home" (Home, Phillip Phillips) | 

"Even if we both break down tonight, and you say you hate me, and we go to bed angry. I know everything will be alright. I'll be here waiting, I promise I'm changing. I just need time." (Time, NF) | 

I'm all choked up. I cannot talk. I gotta fucked up brain, Fucked up thoughts. I thought I was ok, But then I guess not. Hope you know that this is your fault. I want you to feel bad when you go to sleep. I hope you're sad when you remember me. And feel bad for all you did to me. I hope you lie there in your misery. Hey little girl, You'll never believe, There's a ghost inside of you, But it's hidden too deep. Hey little girl, You'll never imagine, When you get a little older, You'll get abandoned. Hey little girl, You know smoking kills, You don't really care 'Cause you love how it feels. Hey little girl, You're falling apart, You don't really care 'Cause they broke your heart. ( Hey Little Girl, Sophie Marie B) | 

"If I lay here. If I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world" (Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol) | I wish that I could be like the cool kids. | Just your casual dumb fatass. TERF, ARO/ACEPHOBES, NAZI, TRANSPHOBES, HOMOPHOBES DNI. | You ever just... | Gen Z | Just a plastic bag, drifting through the wind, wanting to start again. | I will fuck a bitch up if you mess with my friends. I think I have friends on here. At least 2. | 

I will see you again, oh. This is not where it ends. I  will carry you with me, oh. Till I see you again. | So, before you go

Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better?

If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather

So, before you go

Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting?

It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless

So, before you go |Single Pringle Life. |

[nonbinaryresource]

I have already distanced myself from my deadname. The only people who would deadname me are a few very distant family who last met me as a child/baby. They do not know I’m trans and consider me my agab. I actually had people stop calling me it at 15 and went by my unisex (though maybe 60% my agab) middle name and legally removed my first name (100% my agab) at 18. I did not know I was trans then but the name was disgusting to me. I only realised it was dysphoric and a deadname years later. Since 15, I do have a tiny issue with mentioning I used to go by the name by those not knowing I’m trans (pretty much all beyond immediate family don’t know) but they still know not to ever actually call me that. Because they don’t know why they are curious and ask. Now with people who only met me after I was 15. None of them know my deadname. Depends on the circle but as a whole many don’t know I am trans and consider me my agab. Anyway TLDR. Many think I am my agab. But everyone except family doesn’t even know my deadname. I don’t get too many situations when the name is used for someone else but people do expect me to use the name and sometimes there are too many people to know who the pronoun belongs to and it’s awkward when everyone else is using the name. As for nicknames, only works with one or two people but never catches on and I’ve already clammed up and looked awkward when they think I didn’t know the name and they confirm who I’m talking about.

For the most part, someone else had to explain or I went never mind. But with actual people with the name, I actually do avoid them more but it’s not yet very noticeable with 20-40 people around. It’s also troubling for me to even hear the name when someone else uses it. In fact one person actually figured out I had trouble around the name, he does know I’m trans but thinks it might be something serious like the name reminded me of a horrible bully or abusive ex. But I’m scared to tell him I only see him like one every two months anyway. TBH I have been like this since I was 15 but I was so unsocial at the time these situations were just too rare.

-someone

You don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you’re uncomfortable with something. Let people think whatever they’re going to think. Your job is to manage your own emotions and reactions. You don’t have to open up about your past. Tell people that yes, you’re uncomfortable with the name, but no, sorry, it’s a private matter why.

The fact that your deadname still has such a profound impact on you is not great, though. Not because you’ve done anything wrong or are “over”reacting, but because that’s not a very fun way to have to live life. You deserve to be able to get through a conversation with someone with your deadname without feeling like you need to avoid them because it brings you so much anxiety. D:

I would suggest that you start looking into mindfulness practices as well as CBT techniques. Apps like Pacifica can help guide you through these and give you the methods to manage your feelings so that everyday situations can be more manageable for you.

One thing you can try is that when your deadname is used, in your head, always add the person’s last name. If you don’t know it, make one up. Though you have been distanced from your deadname in some ways, you are still very much not distanced from it in other ways. Perhaps mentally clarifying the person’s last name will help you keep that distance from your deadname by reminding yourself that the name really has nothing to do with you. It’s tied up in your past, but in your present, it is only a name that belongs to others. Mentally remind yourself of that - every. single. time. This will be annoying and exhausting, but what’s happening now is also annoying and exhausting for you. This will be annoying and exhausting in a different way, and hopefully it will be in a way that starts to train your brain around punishing you anytime you happen to hear about someone with a name that you’re no longer connected to.

Perhaps even some sort of fidget or small stress ball would help you. When you’re feeling dysphoric/anxious over your name, pull out something like this (small, can fit in a pocket and the palm of your hand, so it doesn’t even have to be obvious) and play with it. There’s also wearable fidgets you could use. Use it to help semi-distract yourself, creating a mental barrier to put distance between you and your deadname when you have to hear/say it. You can be half-focused on the toy, half-conversing, so you have somewhere to focus your negative emotions into. You can even combine this with mindfulness. When you breathe in, gather the anxiety (picture it in your head) in a tight ball. When you breathe out, send it shooting out towards the fidget. Play with/squeeze the fidget, releasing the negative energy into the air where it can dissipate.

As for nicknames, who cares what a group wants you to do? It’s none of their business, and they can get over it. What matters is the person whose name it is. Ask them if it’s okay to call them by their last name or a nickname. You can explain that you’re not comfortable talking about it, and you know it’s not their fault, but due to your past, saying “_deadname_” makes you uncomfortable, and so you wanted to ask about a possible nickname they’d be okay being called. Doing this will also help get this person on your side if group decides to act like immature little brats and force you to call person by deadname; then the person can speak up and remind them “uh, no, it’s fine. we talked about this, I’m good with the nickname. drop it”. It’s likely these nicknames won’t catch on. That’s okay. In an ideal situation for you, they would, so you wouldn’t even have to hear your deadname, but the point of this isn’t to stop hearing the name altogether. It’s to keep it so you don’t have to say the name. Hearing and saying it can both be bad, but cutting down on half those things is a big step.

It will take work and time. And you have to want to put in that work and time, at least some of the time. Processing and healing from trauma is always a long, difficult road. While I don’t have the same issues with my name, my abusive ex- had an extremely common name, and sometimes I still end up dissociating when I hear or say the name. It’s surreal. Sometimes I remember to look and actually see how far I’ve come, and I feel good. Other times, I stumble and get stuck and get too caught up in how much further I have to go, and I feel despair. It’s work to pick myself up and keep going, so I have to be patient and kind to myself to make sure I do.

Remind yourself of how far you’ve come. This new struggle is difficult because you’re finding yourself more social than you were before, so this is suddenly a bigger part of your struggle that you may not have even realized may impact you this much. That can be scary and frustrating. It’s okay to be frustrated and upset. Make sure you’re setting aside time for self-care and rest. Start setting aside time for learning and practicing healthier coping mechanisms (like stated above: mindfulness and CBT techniques). Remember to measure success by how far you’ve come, not by how far you think you still have to go.

Good luck. Finding good coping mechanisms can be as hard as processing and healing from trauma, but it’s worth it so that you don’t always have to be in a panicky, uncomfortable mindspace. You can do this!

~Tera