#but the way so many people stopped caring about ai art putting artists out of jobs the moment it started out churning funny images

[flammedoudoune]

The shift in ai art discourse lately has been uhh... interesting to follow.

[reel-fear]

Wow, so umm... This looks bad, not only is it inaccurate due to using the wrong ink demon design [unless this is confirmation BATIM Ink Demon has been outright retconned... Which would make me pissed enough to make a new post just about THAT] but from an art standpoint this is just... Confusing and poorly done.

I wouldn't care if this was fanart, of course you should support young, indie artists... But for a Graphic Novel making sure your cover doesn't look like something Butch Hartman shat out in an afternoon is kind of important. Remember they're going to be asking us to give money to them to read this. The artist likely won't see any of that money and neither do the authors most of the time, not to mention this art screams of the artist being underpaid and overworked.

Like they Had to get something on someone's desk and their boss said 'good enough'. A concept Joey Drew Studios is very familiar with considering the allegations of poor working environments that Kindly Beast. Not to mention Mike Mood admitting in a Reddit AMA that they did in fact rush projects like Showdown Bandit. [Which they sold at full price]

He also says they can in fact say no or yes to designs involving their IP. Either Mike or Meatly had to say yes to this cover, according to his own damn words.

And do you really think this company in particular would care enough about its fanbase to not sell them garbage? They have done exactly that on several occasions. It's not like they care particularly about art either, considering their previous use of AI Art. There was no apology or even posts addressing it... Instead, they just rushed out an archives update to their game to get people to stop talking about it... Even forgetting an entire character in it. Again

This company is [or at least SHOULD BE] on thin ice when it comes to being suspected of misleading their fans or rushing out crappy products to them.

So with all that context in mind, I'm gonna talk about why this cover sucks ass.

The light sources are all over the place? Why does it look like someone put maces or knight armor on his shoulders but it's just flesh?? It looks both gross and weird [not in a good way either]

To explain more I'm going on a rant below but sadly this seems to have been confirmed to not just be a rough pass but the final cover and man... I am not excited about this graphic novel just at all. This felt like it really drained any possibility of it turning out good for me and I already had expectations low.

Okay first point, the light sources?? And there is no consistency here with the shadows or lighting, it looks like there's a hundred light sources all at once but none of them are even consistent!

the arrows here represent all the different light sources I can make out and yet the the shadow clearly implies there's only one. I understand wanting to use highlights to give the character a more clear shape but then just give him one or two lights behind him or in front of him? No matter how u follow the light sources, the highlights make no sense and the shadows make even less sense.

Why are the shoulders like that? Like on the legs it's a little understandable, at least those are clearly very heavily affected by perspective, for me I think they are so exaggerated it makes it look like one of the legs is either huge or one is small but that's maybe subjective.

However, the shoulders are unjustifiable, what happened there, what did they do??

I could pick on so much more honestly, how the color choices of piss yellow with no other colors being used, and the harsh pitch black being used for every part of his body is weird. How it looks straight out of Butch Hartman's recent crappy art. But to put bluntly bad start! Also what the HELL is going on with this background??

Seems once again the Bendy team is fine with sending out stuff thinking it's "Good Enough" for Bendy fans and honestly the people trying to tell me to "Be Grateful" for this are just proving that no matter how many times you betray your audience some of em will defend you!

Which is sad tbh. If anything we should be putting MORE pressure on the Bendy team to do better. Cause we deserve better than this, honestly we do. There are amazing artists in the bendy community who could do so much better for a cover. They've employed their fan artists before... Wouldn't it be great to do that for such a lore important book? The book that gives us the identity of one of the main characters in BATIM? The character you spend the entirety of Chapter 4 fighting to save? Not to mention will give several major characters their human designs?

But I guess this is... Good enough...

[detectivehole]

hey man the anti-AI stuff you reblog is rly. Reactionary idk how else to put it. It’s a mixed bag. AI has been used in art for a LONG time, it’s not as new as ppl think it is. It’s used a lot in animation especially. Obviously there is a difference between AI as a tool and AI as a replacement for artists/writers, but nearly every single instance of them attempting this has been catastrophically bad. (Doesnt stop the dumbass studios like Disney and Pixar to keep trying it tho, bc they value short term profit over any actual value) For AI being used in a professional setting, it’s imperative the distinction be made between tool or replacement. Machines, despite how efficient they have become, are managed by humans. Letting them run without a person actually operating it that knows what they’re trying to do is always a bad idea.

However, using AI generated pics for like. Personal use? Let’s say you aren’t a good artist, or as many have pointed out, can’t be an artist due to disability (none of that inspiration porn abt painting w your mouth some ppl can’t do that either.) and you’d like a picture of your Tabletop game character or OC or something, and you do not have the money to spare for a commission from the artist you like. Doesn’t mean you can’t pay for one later on, as a human will take the finer details you want and bring them to life, but if you’re looking for like. A placeholder? And you aren’t planning on selling it or some shit, then ppl shouldnt get on your case. Except every anti-AI bro now hears “AI” and flies into a frothing rage, saying it’s “never ok”. Nobody should care of somebody made a meme using AI or tried to make something just for themselves or friends. It becomes an issue when it’s being marketed as a “replacement” for artists.

Tldr: AI is a useful tool, the tech bros that got a hold of ot do not represent the entire scope of it. If it is used as a tool or personal use, it’s not an issue. It only becomes one when it is used as an explicit replacement for writers/artists.

i agree with the first paragraph, though im a little insulted you'd assume my knowledge and opinions on AI image generation were so shallow and uninformed as to have to explain it to me- but you lost me after that

first off, i wanna make it clear that basically no one thinks you're some sort of amoral monster for having used or even enjoyed what AI image generation and art can give you. most people genuinely don't understand the intricacies of its ethics and effects, and while ignorance like that is annoying, it's something most people who do get it understand and forgive with a sorta... exasperation. most of the time. now, maybe you're not coming from a place of good faith, i can't say, but i choose to think you are

i don't have the chops, time, or particular desire to explain what exactly is wrong with AI art generation (there's a lot in way too many directions), so i'll just give you a link to get you started (it's not a long read, just some basic critiques to jump from) and some admittedly harsh sounding (but well meant) advice that pertains to your particular use of AI:

you dont always get what you want. you're not entitled, for any reason, to the fruits of stolen (and popular AI datasets have been proven to unequivocally be stolen) artistic labor, especially if that theft is impacting the livelihoods of independent artists. (and don't give me "what about other generic media piracy" because that's its own can of worms and you know it. i won't hear it). it's not the end of the world that you have, but it's just not ethical to generate that art knowing it's based off stolen work- if it was all consensually given data it'd be different- and sometimes behaving ethically means you dont get what you want. tough shit. plenty of people can't or won't draw for all sorts of reasons, and none of those reasons suddenly make it ok for them to take other people's art

to be clear, if all the datasets used to train AI were ethically sourced- bought, donated, or taken from free use material- this wouldn't be an issue. i mean there would still totally be issues with casual generative AI, but this particular issue would be moot. the issue with AI art isn't the AI, it's what the AI's being fed. every time you engage with it gets smarter, and better, and more efficient at chewing up its stolen foods and spitting out a knockoff. the issue is what it's being fed and you are putting tokens in the little treat machine at its petting zoo enclosure

you want a placeholder? you got picrew. doll dress up games. hell, pester your friends for doodles. save up. or even just learn to handle not getting it at all- just pick something else

[ninja-boo]

"separate art from the artist" "you can't separate art from the artist" people have forgotten that art isn't made to be catered to the audience, otherwise that would just be advertising (and there's a hell of a lot of that too, see: industry plants). you, as the viewer, have no influence in what the creator conveys in their work, and since you have your own interpretations, you'll never truly know the artist's intentions. i say "since" instead of "if" because no amount of explanation by the artist will make you completely and deeply understand the creation. you weren't there for the brainstorming of the concept, the thought process during production, the moment of completion after strenuous effort put into the piece, and you would never be able to *feel* what the creator did during that entire process, making you intrinsically disconnected from the artwork. like with ai generated images, the final piece is only an interpretation of the concept the ai was given, and i believe it is the same sort of detachment viewers have with creations of others. artworks WITH viewer input are still severed from the contributors because those who brewed the concept are the ones who lead the way for others to have their say. it's like if a member of a group project that didn't show up during the entire production of the presentation gets credit when they just read out what everyone else wrote. sure you're technically helping with the presentation, but do you truly understand what you're reading? that's why i find it really irritating when there is a double standard of the way people treat musical artists in particular; when is something so scandalous that you stop "supporting" the artist by completly avoiding their work, and when is their art removed from themselves enough for you to not feel guilty for enjoying it? how is an unintentional microaggresion from an up and coming musician more worthy of a complete boycott than the countless disgusting acts of a timeless classic? i understand the surface level logic of this action by "consumers" of media, of course, if someone "problematic" doesn't have money then they won't have resources to continue their rise and fall back into obscurity. on the flip side, if a "problematic" artist isn't making money off their artwork anymore or if they've removed themselves from it, then it's completely ethical for you to indulge in the art as you're free from supplying the perpetrator with luxuries (piracy win!).

before i continue, i have to state that i don't really care what you do, even if i don't agree with it. you make your own choices, and if you don't care about the impacts of your mentality or actions, that's on you.

in my humble, I'm-neutral-on-mostly-everything opinion, both mentalities are wrong. yes, they both believe they're ethical in their own self-indulgent way. However, the issue lies in the criteria in which an artist gets judged and the vitriol when it comes to discussing the artwork itself. many people have double standards when it comes to judging what sort of artwork they would like to "support." I've seen this mostly occur in visual art spaces, but since I'm talking about music, I'll mention the abysmal arguments I've bore witness to. in the black metal space, most people are self-defeating and not that bothered by the outside population. It is a niche community first and foremost, so being understood by the general public is not a top priority for all of us in the scene. its fucking hilarious that the idiots who listen to gargling over corrupted tv static by nazis believe themselves to possess valuable opinions when it comes to the quality of music. i listen to black metal, and i get that it's art, i know the history and all the insanity that went on before, during, and after its refinement as a subculture. i also listen to various genres of pop music, which the black metal community elitists despise for... their own incomprehensible reasons. understanding your own little interest won't make you superior to something you aren't interested in, whether you deem it shallow or unimportant. same with painting purists hating on abstract art or classical literature readers criticising modern books. have your taste, whatever, but how could you, as an art enthusiast, despise *art?* everyone has their own definition of it as human creativity is hard to contain in language, ironically enough, but that reinforces that not one person can appeal to all. im sure you're thinking, "but surely everyone knows this," and unfortunately, you'd be wrong! people really love putting down artists when their artwork isn't good enough to be valued, such as a parent throwing out the sketches of a young child learning to express themselves for the first time. how come indie or alternative artists who make emotional and oh sooo deep music get away with far worse offences than a pop musician that makes catchy tunes to sing along to? is the only true purpose of art to make you think, or can you not enjoy anything as it is? no matter the intent, as i will very emotionally discuss after this, art is an expression of something, somehow, by someone, and whatever the outcome, it means something to somebody. this intellectualist superiority complex is harming your comprehensive skills. another clarification, I'm not dismissing the importance of complex works. Hell, the story im writing seems shallow at first glance, but i constantly craft it in a way that you can spot miniscule hints in which you can solve the puzzle as it unfolds. the fast-paced, short form content state of the art world is very concerning, so don't let yourself fall into the trap of doomer ideology of thinking yourself to be higher than others and steer away everyone who wants to get more out of art emotionally, narratively, or simply creatively.

i find that a lot of hatred when it comes to "problematic people" falls into somewhat concerning categories, whether that benefits or detracts from the accused. for example, if you criticise taylor swift for overusing private jets, you either get people defending her by minimising the issue by comparing her to "worse" offenders, or minimise her being as a person, reducing her to her female-ness and celebrity status. each conversation about this topic or widespread "cancellation" campaign lacks nuance in regards to what it means to be an artist, and i believe it's repeatedly perpetuated by enjoyers of art and not anyone who is artistically motivated. as artists, there's no possible way for you to be separate from your creations, no matter how many excuses you make. *you* made this piece, it represents you at the time of creation even if you've moved on and severed all ties to that part of your life. most of us have cringed at our older selves, but we continue to strive to be better even if in the future we'll begin to hate our present moment, and that concept is universal. what stays the same is who you are in this lifetime, that past self is still a part of your journey. do not take this as me saying people can't change or that you have to wallow in your past, it is just my personal opinion that there is no shame in acknowledging all of your experiences, even if they're negative. i went on this side tangent because you have to understand that no matter what an artist does in their career, what they made only exists because *they made it.* in that case, all artists are incorporeal since their status as an artist could get stripped away at any moment in which their fanbase or the public so chooses to dislike them or their art. in turn, art becomes indescribable itself as you take away the whole purpose and mainspring of its existence. by separating the art from the artist. you. make. art. extraneous. you remove all intent, effort, creativity, and personalisation from the piece, essentially boiling it down to its surface level observable state, deficient of every single incomprehensibly important aspect of the artwork, that being the HUMAN FUCKING SOUL WHO MADE THE FUCKING ARTWORK YOU FUCKING DUMBASS!!!!!!!!!!!!

[frostbite-the-bat]

stop that.

yknow how you can start with idk.. a mascot or vtubing? hit up an artist. support them. pay them. does your friend draw? maybe they'd be willing to help!

or maybe get involved!! start drawing yourself! in this day and age i know people are often very busy but if you have time to look at this ai shit and want a hobby like, as they for example say, fandom or vtubing - you probably have time to draw and design a thing.

its not about affordability, though yes, many adopts are overpriced but artists DESERVE PAYMENT FOR THEIR WORK!!! there are issues with adopts and scams and all this, and i agree that people hyping designs up because they're by someone famous is a bit... meh... and many artists will underprice because of this in the end.. but really. ai. is that your solution. stealing more art?

none of this is embracing creativity. you are stealing artwork. embracing creativity is being brave and drawing something yourself. even if it "sucks" at first - you created something! who else was going to draw it the same way you have? ai sure wont. it's just data making images based on prompts.

nobody can draw like you can!! embrace it!!! that's what is wonderful about art!!! i know people can be rude and exclude newbie artists, and people seek out these sleek "professional" art styles and you will get overlooked in certain areas of the internet if you DO not look like that. but like... why follow that??? just!! do your own thing!!!

i am all for supporting anyone starting art!! it is a difficult journey and i am still going through it!! but if you want to do an artsy thing WITHOUT putting any effort into the art itself... why fucking bother? why care? is art just assets to you??? how swallowed by everything corporate are you???

it's fucking disgusting that these people are SELLING these. art they didn't make themselves. i do give them props for "cleaning them up", at least there is minimal effort put in. but to me it is no excuse. you can draw then, right? make your own adopts!!! hell back then i had worse art and people bought my designs regardless because (it was cheap) and i put it where people sought adoptables in the community!! these people even turned their comments off. you don't even need to speak to them to get an adopt. you just buy it on the side and can download the image (which, is often cropped)

like my hand drawn adopts sold better and faster than most my base adopts - which i think says something??? not to say all base stuff is bad! it is not a bad thing. but going out of a comfort zone and drawing my own thing ended up working for me. here's the art below. it wasnt perfect but it was genuine. y'know?

you can make base adopts!! there were people even sought after and well known back then who made designs on bases and they sold WELL!! it allowed people to buy designs someone made and it was quicker with the help of a base. like as long as those are okay to use by the creator you can use them. theres nothing wrong. its like a coloring book. you still put in some effort and your own spin.

with this ai fixing you just fix the text being weird and the paw being off and are good. you did nothing.

sorry for popping off but it's pissing me off. i do believe that ai could be used for useful things - but art theft like this branded as CREATIVITY AND FREEDOM is. so sick to me. that's what ART is. that's what ANY CRAFT IS. that's not what telling words to a bot that shits out pictures based on other, real artists, art.

im so mad. ai art where fandoms come to life. no, artists who work their asses off making art for things they love out of passion is where fandoms come to life. interacting with fellow fans is where fandoms come to life. not this shit. i feel so bad for the new generation of young deviantart users. it wasnt perfect even back when when i began using it early 2015 - god it was horrible, but at least we didn't have art theft like this painted as CREATIVITY AND ART COMING TO LIFE! no the fuck you dont. but man things sure have changed since 2018, damn.

[imagineee-123]

I saw your post about opinions on ai art and thought I'd give you my opinion. As a young artist, I despise it. I worry that my peers and the generations below me will see ai art generators and think 'why should I spend years learning to draw when I can just press a few keys and have what I want in seconds'. I worry that companies will use ai art and not tell anyone about it. I'm tired, I'm so tired of seeing wonderful drawings online and then having to go through their profile and zoom in on all the drawings to find ai type flaws. It feels like an insult to hundreds of years of culture and hard work.

I feel like a lot of the psychology behind ai art bros (not including companies) isn't 'hahahaha I'm going to steal art and put it through a digital meat grinder to make what I want and they can't stop me' instead, most of them believe that it's transformative, that it's ok to make and profit off of other peoples art as long as it's transformative and artists have created transformative work for hundreds of years so it's ok for them to do it too. I honestly believe that there will only be massive public backlash once ai starts digging it's claws into film and song, since only then will influential people start worrying about their jobs. (Actors, songwriters, ect)

Although I definitely do see hope. Even though many artists are giving up and leaving the internet, things like nightshade are being made, some ai users are tired of the ai not generating what they want and taking on art, ai companies are losing money because in a case of pure irony, even with subscriptions, their users don't want to pay them and their stocks are sinking. This is arguably the biggest art event in all of history, but I believe that maybe we can win it to an extent. Ai art will never fully disappear, that's just how it goes, but we can still put regulations on it....so yea. That's my 5 cents, sorry if I clogged your inbox, have a nice day/night

I really appreciate your reply! This is definitely a unique take. I really like how you mentioned the view from the other side when it comes to individuals and AI, I don't see people talk about that much.

I've sadly heard of/seen AI advertisements and such from major animation studios and even a prestigious school (Disney, A24, and Gobelins is what I'm referencing here), along with Starbursts using AI in an ad, and Airheads holding an AI movie competition. A recently trending TikTok audio is also an AI generated song (how the hell you spell chauffeur). But.. I've seen plenty of backlash for some of these things. I do agree that, unfortunately, we all have to wait for those in influential positions to care before anything changes.

I haven't seen too many people talk about AI in a more hopeful manner, but I do admire that. I don't think AI art will "kill" art in its entirety just for the reasons you listed towards the end. At the moment, AI is kind of a buzzword or hot topic, so there's a lot of attention to it. It'll eventually lose a lot of that spotlight focus over time. All we can do is speak our minds and protest in the ways we can while we await regulations around AI "art".

There's so much to discuss about this topic, and I really appreciate different opinions about it being shared. It does help me better understand the topic and think of things I probably hadn't noticed about it before. I love having conversations like this. Thank you for reaching out and replying to my post!

(Completely unrelated sidenote. It was like 12 a.m. when I wrote this. Spelling is hard when you're tired hdhdhudjwiw)

[nonbinarygerard]

this is a rant about AI generated art because I am enraged.

if you want to hear a professional artist speak on AI art more elegantly than me then I highly recommend Steven Zapata’s video. he said everything better than I ever could: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjSxFAGP9Ss&t=5s

the more i learn about AI art the more i literally believe in like 10 years or so we will somehow live in a worst capitalist dystopia where most artistic professional jobs don't exist. You pay a subscription fee to some AI company that just spits out art, movies, comics, novels etc whatever you want on mass, so fast, that art will be personalised to you as in you know how google and other companies track you everywhere on the internet well so will AI companies. they’ll know you more than you know yourself. their algorithms will be fine-tuned just to ur tastes. you won't even need to type in prompts, it will do it for you and show you hundreds, thousands, of art in your feed. You can scroll forever and the algorithm will just make more art. the AI will be so trained to keep ur retention, making ur session time longer and longer and you’ll lose more hours.

Like how many tiktoks do you actually remember? vs how many hours do you stay on the app? do you think the time you spend on tiktok is worthwhile? i use tiktok as an example bc that's only the start of how good AI algorithms can get. give them a few more years with more silicon valley companies competing to be the next big app and they’ll get smart and better in ways you can never imagine.

in the eyes of companies, humans make flaws and humans take too long to make art. it's ripe for automation. companies don't give a fuck about real art and human expression. they only care about profit, profit, profit. what all tech companies want is ur time, your attention, they want to fill all ur waking moments with their products. literally billions of dollars have already been put into AI and though some of the AI art right now might be cringe or just funny, it wont be at some point. In a few months, years, decades, who knows, it will a lot more indistinguishable from human art. that's going to be a problem. you're not going to be able to avoid it because you're not going to be able to what was made by a human and what was made by an AI.

you may think that humans will stop watching or consuming AI art that is bland and seems well AI generated but thats the thing, it will always evolve. In fact companies might just make up fake people to say it was made by and you will never know how much of it was made by humans and how much was made by AI algorithms. if you dont think at some point a bunch of big budget movies, video games, tv shows etc wont be written by AI when it's possible to create a script that doesn't seem like it's written by an AI then you’re crazy.

its going to be a lot harder to make living if you’re not one of the top artists because how the fuck do you compete again AI. you can’t and that’s the point.

its so fitting for evil capitalists that they would rather fund billions of dollars into AI that was designed to replace artists than ever pay artists fair wages.

i dont think people will stop creating art but i do think that a lot of professionals are going to find a hard time keeping their careers without serious changes. you really cant become a master of ur craft without being a professional artist, it just takes that long to gain the experience, knowledge and insight to walk in the footsteps of the masters before. thats what art is. hard work, dedication and discipline. its not something that only a divine few who have the gifts of the gods can do. anyone can become a master artist it just takes devoting ur life to pursue your craft and what a fucking insult it is for billionaires to just fund their extreme amount of money into some goddam shaddy af AI companies to replace professional artists' job, well thats their hope anyway.

this isnt the same like photography was to painting or digital was to traditional. its true that those technological innovations did destroy a lot of jobs but also created new artistic jobs, and they did have massive effects on the industry and i dont want to minimize the number of people who’s careers were destroyed bc of it. But those were massive changes in tools. They didn't actually replace the concept of artists themselves. AI is meant to do as much, if not all, of the artists work for them, so artists don't need to exist in a professional sense.

why would a games company hire concept artists if an AI can come up with hundreds of different concepts in a matter of seconds? maybe human artists might be better but when the AI is good enough a company won't give a shit.

I dont know when this change will happen or how it will occur and how people will react to it but mark my words these AI companies are going to try to make it happen while maintaining the face of just their just simply pushing human progress and this was somehow just a natural evolution of technology.

none of this was natural it was funded by billionaires.

this is not even to mention how these AI’s train on copyrighted artworks with no permission from the artists. and this process is not like how humans learning from other artists, AI’s dont think, they just copy, steal, combine artworks very fast and on mass scale in away no human could ever do. You cant compare how AI’s and how humans learn. there are not the same no matter how big shot programmers try to make them more similar, AI is a machine we could never do what it does. and it is stealing from artists every time it generates art.

I study programming and literally you dont even know the number of jobs there are in AI. its a field that's expanding every day. it's not just a few companies but every big tech company putting massive resources into it. for them, algorithms are the future of humanity.

I am not saying there isn't some actually usefulness in AI created images for example i think getting insane highly specific poses and references at the click of a button is extremely useful but that's just a by-product of what these AI companies want out of their product. they are meant to replace artists' jobs by the click of a button. that's their dream.

AI companies dont care about integrity or intention or the artistic cannon or mastering one’s craft. Companies don’t pour billions of dollars into a technology just for it to be used for meme culture or quirky images. Every time you type in a prompt you are training the AI, its how neural networks work, by releasing them for free to the public you are training the AI for them. and they will train faster than you ever thought. i cant even imagine what the AI images will look like this time next year and they will improve drastically. mark my words.

You are a fool if you dont think AI won’t have a massive and very dystopian effect on society. Capitalism is somehow killing art even more.

maybe you think I’m being dramatic and I hope I am wrong but there is no doubt that AI generated art will change commercial and professional art as we know it.

[skyecreature]

Artificial Intelligence.

TL;DR. I think AI and Neural Networks are really cool as a technology, but the way they are currently being used is terrible and needs to be stopped.

You don't have to read this, I just wanted to get my thoughts down on paper. Read more block because it's long.

I don't know if there's a formalized definition, but, for the most part, AI is any program or system that can create the illusion of decision-making.

In recent times, it's been used to refer generative AI specifically, but many things could be classified as AI. Minecraft's mobs have to make decisions on how to move. In fighting games, a CPU opponent must decide how to approach the player. Both of these and many others I, and many others, have called AI before. "AI opponents." "The cow's AI is making it spin on the fence." (Weeee!)

More recently, AI is closely employed alongside Neural Networks and Machine Learning. Which is like, basically just a digital simulation of exactly how our brains work. Which I genuinely think is really really cool! You're creating something that can appear smart from only feeding it random numbers and telling if is it's doing good or bad. And from there it eventually becomes something. It's a beautiful execution of mathematics.

Now, somebody realized that, finding data to compare to for this "good" or "bad" was pretty hard to find in bulk. So people made their own data sets. Until those weren't enough. Now, we steal artwork. And herein lies my first problem with AI, as does most people. It's one thing to look at another person's artwork and be like: "oh, that's cool, I want to try copying their art style." I would have no issue with that. (And even so, if I try to copy someone's style, I will always say who.) But that's not what it is. It's taking someone's (or rather, many people, but that doesn't make this any better), and sitting down in a metaphorical classroom to study this artwork as your one and only basis in "learning to draw."

This is basically beating a dead horse, but, like, it's very very sad for me to see something I cared deeply about, (I loved watching Sethbling's videos on 'training a network to beat Mario Bros.' and similar videos, long before the whole AI thing), and now it's become perverted because it's built on a throne of lies, as the saying goes.

My second problem with AI, and while still an echo of much I've seen elsewhere, slightly less so, is that it seems to be a perfect insistence on it being generative, when you could use this technology so much better. I want AI to assist artists, not work against them. What if your paint bucket tool could tell when there was a 1-pixel gap in the fill and, even if not "smart closing" the gap, at least be able to find where it is, because those can be bloody annoying to spot. Or what if you could pull two strokes apart that you put on the same layer 20 minutes ago and didn't notice until now? What if you could just tap in an area to mask your shading brush without carefully lassoing the part you want? There's so many many better ways this technology could be getting used, and I hate it. I hate it so much, that the way it's implemented is "replace," and not "help."

IDK if I'm really trying to make a point with this. I just wanted to get my thoughts out. If you disagree or think I could have worded something better, please leave a reply.

[ericvilas]

Arguments about AI need to be actually separated. It's many different things, and I'm gonna try to separate them out as best I can. I came up with 5 different arguments, and responses to them:

Copyright: you have no right to use my art in any way

Consent to use data you put out there in ways you didn't intend

The "humanness" and "emotion" of art

Automation makes people lose their jobs

"People giving an AI instructions aren't actual artists"

#1 is. Not really an argument unless you wanna side with Disney. Nobody wants to side with Disney. Just don't. Derivative work is fair use.

#2 makes a bit more sense, but here's an example to see why it kinda falls apart: If I wanted to make a scientific paper to analyze what color pallettes are more or less commonly used, should I not be allowed to search through all of DeviantArt and go "this is the distribution of how common each color is, and what colors tend to be correlated with what other colors, and how often each pallette is used"? I feel like that's not something you should be able to object to. You might say "okay, but pallettes are basically averages, you lose a ton of data" and... sure, but if you can make one study about color pallettes you can make a different study about, say. Subject matter. Or style. Or a histogram of the RGB values of the top-left-most pixel. It's not like the program actually extracts that much data from the different pieces of art, anyway. The vast, vast majority is redundant information. (Also there's the argument of "why could I use your art to make similar art inspired by it but not to help program a bot to do it?")

#3 I just feel like it's just the same story over again: sure maybe a machine doesn't have feelings when it produces art, but there's so many things in the world that people were like "oh only a human can produce it" when actually kinda turned out to not be the case? Why is art any different? Are there no artists who just draw shit they're told to draw just cause it's their job? Do they not count as artists? Why is it any different from any other job getting automated? (Also, it's not like people will stop enjoying art-made-with-love, it will simply become a niche much like hand-knit clothes or other artisanship.)

#4 is very true. It's a real problem, but not one that's gonna be solved by stopping automation. Automation is good, and the workers should be compensated for the machines that take their jobs. However, I feel like these are two separate statements. In my opinion, which is not shared by most people I know, automation is good even if it does take people's jobs away. This is a highly controversial statement and I definitely do not speak for anyone but myself. But I do believe that automation of all jobs is important and good. I also think that we should allow people to not have to work for a living. These are two separate, complementary statements and ideally we would have both but personally, I don't care which one we get first.

#5 makes sense. I definitely agree that I shouldn't be credited with "creating" art that the AI created with my prompts, and would even go so far as to agree with the position of "AI art should be distinctly labelled as such". However, I don't know to what extent this is enforceable. (There is nuance to be had wrt the usage of AI to assist in art creation but I think that's not really under discussion, nonetheless I do think that AI-assisted art should still be labelled as such)

....whoops I accidentally spent over 40 minutes on this lol. I just. Feel very strongly about this and I wanna put it out there.

[scarefox]

Really wanna barf when I read how AI art bros admit that this will end the designer industry and artists way of creating of putting time and energy into a piece of work. But it will make it so much faster and cheaper and it’s still a “creative” process lead by humans. HUMANS WHO REPLACE AN ART PROCESS WITH PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE. Those are literally two different sides of the brain!

They all pretend as if this is such a relieve for artists and creative people for not having to spend so much time and effort with an art piece anymore and it’s done within minutes. When the process is actually a part of an artists life and being what they are taking away!

Do you know this popular quote among artists??

It’s true for many. The thing about artists is, that a lot of artists produce art to vent, to heal, to find inner peace, to express themselves and their emotions. Art is connected to an artist soul, to their being, to their life to their illnesses and pain. A piece of artwork ALWAYS has a part of the artist in it. Replacing this with typing code words into a program is absolutely not the same and is insulting to call it art as if that was on the same level! And on top of that we still have the whole disrespect of art theft that happens with AI art which profits from artists original pieces! Without all those already existing drawings, paintings, textures etc. that were all produced with lots of time and work and learning and pain - those damn AIs would not be able to produce anything!

Unethical as fuck but nobody cares for us designers or artists. Such bother that we are human beings with feelings and needs, who can’t spew out artwork every minute 24/7 like a machine, so better replace us with actual machines...

Sure, nobody tells you to stop creating art the human way. But why bother anymore?? Nobody will care, nobody will appreciate the work and the risk of getting your art stolen is not worth it. It’s all extremely demotivating and depressing.

[greenpanda-djg]

My issue with AI art.

Here's some things I've heard/read online from ai bros etc and here's what conclusions I came to. I have no idea how AI actually works same way as how I don't know how every intenational law of by heart. I've seen people who HAVE understanding of what it is from both sides the for and against.

But I'm one of those people who doesn't read the terms of service before I agree to acess my new iphone so- from the information and what others have said this is what I think.

Like crypto currency, nfts and pryamid schemes it reeks of scam,

Its easy to abuse. There is no safety nets for anyone involved and just seems as another fancier complicated way of saving an image of google and posting it on instagram for likes and follows.

"It's learning from Artists, not stealing."

Okay where is this LIST of artists that donated their artworks to the system? Where is the credit.

Instead of a # Ross/Draws or # Loish/ instead it only tags as the art style.

Because no one can OWN an art style instead of the artist used to generate this image its #pastel art. And no one can own an art style so its used as a ploy to AVOID criticism. To comes across as better to beg for forgivness than permission by using art style and being sneaky about it makes it come across as they are blatently stealing and plainly sorry they got caught not for the act. If you really care about artists you would credit the ones you stole to make a gross amalgamation of instead of reducing all that artists work and labour to an art style.

"Its an art tool."

Its too [how can I say] open world. There is a difference between posting your art on an account then deleting it later, but the program once an image is posted is open to everyone. Instead of being a tool like design doll, or making your own brushes on an art program its like anyone can invade and highjack it. Its not an indiviual program once its in the date because if you upload anything your are giving it permission to take that image and 'learn' from it. And with that- from the previous statment. Did any artist CONSENT to their art being put into this program? If I saved an image of Iyla kushinov and posted that in the AI even tho I am NOT that person does that not count as being unethical?

"Its public domain."

only artists seem to know this, and none artists have this entitlment that I've noticed. But there is a give or take system, If I upload on a website I trust there wont be too much abuse but I'm aware that yeah someone can save/take it but no matter what I know I can keep drawing or show the proof of my art in WIPS and concept stages. Me posting on a website it has its own contracts and agreement, in doing so by uploading making content getting engagment actually builds up revenue for the website as both consumer and creator its a give or take relationship. Even with artists online we learn from each other but understand the logical agreement to not 'steal' but take inspiration. I can look up ethan becker and study his work but maybe he can come across an art piece of mine and might copy the colour pallete. Its a beneficial enviorment where everyone is on the same page.

Even tho its public artists have a history of being protective of their work, no one likes art thiefs/reposters or tracers even to the point of calling people out and even cancelling bigger artists for tracing or straight up stealing.

Also if its public domain, then where does the line stop? Does that mean I can take AI art and take that as my own, its public domain? That means any ai art I like I can just save the image, change it slightly and take it as my own. Want to complain? its public domain.

"Its no different than reference." There is something called HUMAN ERROR. We make mistakes, even if we are looking at a reference hand eye coordination sometimes doesn't project this clearly. So many artists draw things that look nothing like what they had in their head but come up with something they ended up liking. We cant make a perfect copy, or even looking at references from the past, memories are a fickle thing and we misremember or think something looks one way or another.

I could think of a circle, then by drawing from memory create an oval. Then it progresses into a new shape intiarlly. Just by mistakes, by doing it wrong by accident.

Ai is designed as a computer, numbers and codes to do it as it is. There is no time for error or even experimentation. Halfway through a painting artists CHANGE their mind and change the colour, or experiemnt with brushes an ai wont do that. They would do what majority of other artists have created to make it look nice.

Ai is as limited in this, and without experimentation it just wont work.

For example, realistically, every artists is told anime art isn't 'real art' and not to use it. And yet its the most popular art style constintly used and even making its way into animation.

We were told to use red green blue. But artists use cmyk instead.

We were told that red and green are complimentary colours and yet we always pear red with Teal or blue and make purple.

Its not the same because like free guy, even if you add a ton of shit into the image that small 'code' is the source of an art piece that had no consent to being there and its unmovable and inchangable. No different that a diformed collage with too many fingers and chair legs.

"It doesnt Steal art jobs."

It doesn't steal, but it does change the market value. Art prices have dropped from $80.00 to twenty, the more quantity or easier it is to get something makes it harder to make a living as others will be forced to make their work cheaper to get commisions. Its going back on humane working and almost forces artists into unworkable enviorment to keep up with commisions keep it consistent and to be payed by the hour and enough money to earn a living. Its basic marketing 101 the more quantity the lower the value.

Its already used in conventions used in spaces when most artist sell their artworks/prints.

As well as video game developers are now using it as a shortcut to make art and even imply that human art is obsolete.

source:

Legal aka daylight robbery is what it is.

I know this might come across as wrong and not a complete comparison, but the awful condictions proffiting of labours of others work and taking all the gain without lifting a finger, makes it feel like artists are more like sweet shops. Getting pennies for doing all the work and getting NOTHING in return.

And the worst dangerous part.

The dangers of Ai, including Deep fakes, ai voices, proffiting of dead actors.

E.g Deep fake of robert downey and Tom holland in Back to the future.

From a glance you cant tell, with time AI will IMPROVE.

Look not to be a nutter, but with the way the internet is going this is a discussion to be had. With deep fakes, ai generated voices taking real photos and blending them together. It sounds fun and non-threating. But I can't help but think, with how...lax companies are when it comes to the porn industry and other really messed up stuff.

And the thought of so many kids on tik tok, their videos photos selphies then add onto ai generations to create certain types of content. Either to add their faces on a model or to change the face to make it harder for anyone to detect.

For example, if someone posts their girlfriend on only fans and profits of that video in revenge p/rn and other things happening, would the deep fakes make it harder to detect CP and other stuff will ai consider that and would people who are really detestable immedietly think of doing that?

I'm uncomfrotable talking about this, but giving that it IS a possibility - that there is no safety nets with AI, that it admits on the tik tok anime filter app it was taking your selfies and taking it without consent.

Source: Tik Tok app accused of data mining, stealing personal information.

Already the internet is a wild west of a landscape where so many things slip under the radar. Such as your email adress being taken and sold to the highest bidder and constantly recieving spam mail >.<

And the other best part, tampering with evidence. If improved you can get someon conviced of anything with an audio of a confession.

And last note.

Artistic expression, of freedom. Trying to monetise, and calling it a democracy that art is now reduced as less than human and we need to get "Real jobs." Makes you realise how much everyone looks down on artists.

But most art has mostly been used as a form of protest, expression, a call out, satire and something used as a tool to critic 'society' to reduce that feels like some dystopia type shit.

At the end of the day, I dont ai will work. There are TOO many holes in it and its too open a program. I'll admit that I agree its calling out artists for drawing the same anime picture over and over because if I can't tell its ai and all art looks the same, means that everyone IS pretty much being stagnent in artistic expression I'll admit as a whole art has gotten stagment and complacent in its style so to seperate from AI might actually make people go out there way to be indivdual.

I doubt AI wont have mistakes, would you watch a movie knowing a BOT wrote the script? I wouldn't.

Sure you can tick the right boxes but it wont hit the soul, its a quick fix but as time goes on you'll realise how lacking it is and it'll affect everyone in the long run. Take a look at movies, media, video games. Most have either gone on hiatus or not as good as they used to be, both from nostalgia but also the lack of stimuation that humans need to be ingaged is missing and makes everyone bored, and prone to being more annoyed for their time being wasted.

AI art sounds great, but like Onceler cutting all his trees down, the long term has too many issues that arent being addresed.

Already most AI bros and others overly complicate and make statments that make it seem as if they are just agreeing with anything for free art but dont realise that it deserves criticism.

And yes artists have had issues with AI and instead of listening to IMPROVE this so called 'art tool' just steam roll over artists and tell them to shut up and accept it. Is another reason why artists think AI sucks and anyone affiliated with it is just scum.

Sam does art generators VS copyright.

An artist DRAWING on a livestream had her progress stolen completed by an AI bro and THEY the Ai bro tried to accuse the artist of stealing their work.

Source

Heres is Loish opinion on AI art.

Now there are people who steal peoples work and 'finish it' with ai and take full credit. Its just more fires in this space first tracers, reposters and art thiefs NOW aI theifs who then accuse the artist of stealing. [How is AI postive when its filled with scumbags like this???]

Then an artist gets accused of being ai and is then told to CHANGE THE artstyle oh sure we'll accomodate the robot, we're hurting its feefees by stealing its unique artstlye.

The fact that AI was a TOOL TO HELP ARTISTS feels like a knife stabbed in the gut and then they have the nerve to say "Why are you upset? Stop bleeding your being dramatic."

But what else is worse is copyright.

As artists online, we have a protection of use to create fanart/fiction/videos without being sued by disney from drawing such characters. By strangling AI to protect OUR content can easily double back on use and make it diffuclt for us to make fanart/get engagment and might lose our space.

As of now the world is getting smaller and more cramped and its going to be difficult to navigate. But with the way people go on, and have no comprehensive thinking, we have to simplify and dumb things down and draw a line in the sand the right/wrong left or right.

I'm against AI it sucks. And anyone who has any other opinion is complacent and part of the problem. If that makes you angry your part of the problem. And dont bother talking to me my opinion wont change.

[greatgoogly-moogly]

i need to have a rant on ai (art and other uses of it bc it doesnt just affect artist but now writers, translators and pretty much anyone with acces to the internet)

im honestly terrified, as someone who has been drawing and doing commisions, and who in about 6 months is gonna start animation in college, i dont know what im supposed to expect from my future?? i mean, i love technology, i think it has so many amazing uses and can improve peoples lives so much but unfortunately we live in a fucking society where powerful ppl will do anything to stay in power, and people want instant gratification, the fastest and cheapest u can do it the better, i've invested time, money and passion into getting better at art, and i want to be able to make a living out of it, and not even a good life bc we all know how underpayed every artist ALREADY is and how little ppl care about it, i just wanna do what i love and not die yk? and now everytime i draw i cant stop thinking if theres even a point? bc theres an ai out there who could do it better, faster and for way less money.

i've already had struggles with posting my art online bc every social media is obsessed with numbers and algorihms to the point i felt i had to put out a masterpiece everyday to barely keep up, just so people can look at it for 3 secs, maybe like it, comment and share if im lucky and they like me enough, so then i can get a 2 minutes dose of serotonin and go on to make another souless drawing for whatever is popular right now.

i want to have a career in animation, specifically concept art and character design, but i also want to fucking leave the internet and not know anything about the world's state ever again bc its absolutely demoralizing seeing how little ppl care about art.

.

[extraordinarystardust]

Hello book community,

We need to talk.

Tell me you value profit over people without telling me you value profit over people.

AI “art” isn’t even art and I’m not going to call it art anymore. These are images generated by ignorant humans using an AI program that has been “taught” by a developer how to spit out shapes and colours after being fed real stolen art done by human beings. These AI images are stolen computer vomit that puts profit over people and looking at them makes me sick to my stomach.

I’m going to talk about three examples I think are relevant to our bookish community.

First one: I’ve had some time to think about this one and Tor continuing to move forward with the cover of Fractal Noise by Christopher Paoloni is disappointing.

The reason of “welp we didn’t know the stock image was AI generated but we can’t change it now because we have production constraints” is concerning. Will this be a one time thing? How will you prevent this from happening again TOR/Macmillan? I think readers will happily wait for a cover redesign if it means using images and art that is sourced and credited properly and aligns with our community and creative values.

I would comment this on your post, TOR, but the comments are off….. I wonder why that is.

Dear TOR/Macmillan social media person,

Sorry to flood your mentions. It’s not you (I hope), it’s your boss’s boss’s boss or whatever.

Next thing: Authors and writers using stolen artwork and AI to generate “visually interesting” covers and images for their WIPs is wrong.

I get it, it’s easy and free, but think about why that is. As a collective we shouldn’t do it. It is theft. It is hurting artists. It’s hurting our community. If you’re doing it, stop, and if you aren’t doing it, don’t start. That means all those fun free apps too.

Even if the images are just for your personal use the developer is profiting off of the stolen artwork every time you download the app and generate an image using their algorithm. The developer is benefiting from ignorant users sharing and endorsing their unethically sourced “tool”.

Now that we know better we can do better.

Final thing: Adobe permitting AI images into their stock library is going to open so many cans of worms and it is BAD. They have the power to set standards in the industry and this tool is NOT READY to be used in a responsible way (it’s not even close).

Dear Adobe,

Based on the responses, it’s obvious that this decision is a mistake. You’re getting ratioed in the qrts and replies. You’re hurting REAL people, REAL artists. Aren’t those the people you were made for? Aren’t they the only reason you’re relevant in the first place? (Answers: Yes. And Yes.)

As people and as a company you have a responsibility as an industry tool to set standards that reflect the collective values of that industry and the community you are a part of. This decision screams “WE DONT CARE ABOUT ARTISTS & PEOPLE ONLY MONEY” and I think that is very despicable of you.

***

Dear readers, writers, artists, and people in the bookish community,

If you have social media I encourage you to share your opinions with publishers, authors, writers, friends, and Adobe.

The way this AI is being used is immoral and until we can use it in a way that doesn’t put profit over people, we don’t have the right to use it at all.

Going forward I encourage you all to employ those critical thinking skills you use while reading and apply them to issues that arise in this community as well as every aspect of your life.

Anyways,

Support real artists. Support the Harper Collins Union and Strike. And remember what you permit is what you promote.

Stay safe out there kittens.

xoxo,

exstar

[silvia7272]

Miraculess Ladybug Salt AU: You Always Liked To Play With Fire ~ Blossoming Friendships???

I really hope you’re all enjoying this new series; I honestly just came up with the idea on a dime, and then after I started developing it, I knew I needed to share it with all of my fans.

Also, when I actually get around to including more characters from the movie, it’s gonna be fun giving them some personality traits. I can’t wait.

And er-… I may have accidently messed up with some off the names. Since I changed most off the names already, I then decided to change them for Barbara and Olympia, however I had forgotten that I’d already written their names down in the story. Opps. I thought this would’ve been better since I think I saw some people complain about the United Hero’s super names, so I changed them, as well as if I’m going to add in going to Gotham into the mix and there’s already a character called Barbara, I just know I’ll get hella confused for who I’m talking about. I don’t want people to get confused but maybe I should make a post off the names I’ve already changed to begin with, just to defer from canon. Well, here it is.

My OC: Rosaniline Keyne-Hill was Rosina Scoats

Soliane Rin was Crisono Tassa

Canon Counterparts: Jace Keyne was Jessica Keyne

Aveon Keyne-Hill was Aeon Hill

Medusa was Uncanny Valley

(I kept Olympia the same)

Nebula was Majestia

Brianna was Barbara

Eostrix was Night Owl

So, I might just change them when I can be bothered to.

This fanfic and its ideas were all made before season 4 came out, so if something doesn’t add up please don’t worry. That information wasn’t available then, and unless it fits into my story or I like it, I won’t include it in my story. Also, that new Miraculous wiki can get lost, I’m not putting any of that new information in here if they couldn’t even put it in the show. (Also, so far, I do not care for season 4 whatsoever so yeah, I may not include any of that in this work and the other.)

Word Count: 9435

Tags: @vixen-uchiha​ if you wish to be tagged all you have to do is say. Also, if you change your name please tell me, I don’t want to leave you out since you’ve asked to be tagged. I’m very sorry if I’ve missed anyone.

Well, I hope you’ll enjoy it.

Summary:

Note: This fic contains OOC scenes of Miraculous Ladybug as well as a ton of salt, so if you don't like that stuff you may scroll past and have a nice day.

In a world with no Miraculous, no Hawkmoth and no Ladybug, how does our little heroine do?

Well, it usually would be hanging out with her friends, as any other teenager would do...

But, of course, this wasn't normal.

This was reality. It was cold, hard and definitely not welcome.

So, when this girl wishes to have some kind of adventure in her boring, mundane life…

How long does it take for her to regret it?

***

Mlle Bustier had always believed her students were the best in the whole Collège.

In fact, she whole-heartedly believed that all her students could do no harm.

In her mind, they were at the peak of maturity, though they may be in their adolescence and had some seemingly petty dramas, they all prevailed to take whatever they wanted for themselves, when they saw opportunities, they rightfully took.

And Mlle Bustier only wanted the best for her students.

As much as Caline would never admit it to any of her work colleagues, she always knew her class was exceptional.

Kim, Alix, what with two of the sportiest people that were bound to succeed.

Max, A genius who was able to develop a fully functioning AI, when he was a teen no less. She could only imagine what other inventions her little Einstein could invent later on. The type of universities he’d get into, the job offers, oh the endless possibilities.

Ivan, Rose, Juleka, A lead vocalist, guitarist, and drummer in a popular rock band. Though she had heard there may have been a few mishaps in the band, she was sure they would be even better than before.

Mylène, A passionate environmentalist who only wanted to help the world become a cleaner place, and entered as many organisations as possible.

Nino, An inspiring DJ/filmmaker. She always wanted to help out by lending the classroom key afterschool, that way he could work on all of his works. Allowing everyone to take part even, it was truly one of her best rules.

Alya, A journalist's whose goal was to become bigger than Lois Lane.

Adrien, A model, the most famous teenage one by Parisian standards.

Chloé, The mayor's Daughter.

Sabrina, The head of police’s Daughter.

Nathaniel, an inspiring comic book artist that had gained a lot of attention online.

And Lila, a Daughter of an Italian diplomat.

Although she could admit to herself that not all of these aspirations were something that she could boast about, she could show off that all of her students had something they would work for or even show off.

And what did the others have?

Two weather girls and a writer? Caline would have to laugh, compare that with her class and you could clearly see who was at the top.

Although she hadn’t said a specific name for a reason.

Marinette Dupain-Cheng. The young fashion designer/baker’s girl.

For a while, that name had left a sour name in her mouth, whenever she had been forced to say it for the register, it only took her a few days for her to realise how much it annoyed her whenever said girl was late to her lesson. Honestly, did that girl not value punctuality? Nevermind in the workplace; what about her reputation as a teacher?

She was becoming a lot more reclused, gaining a disrespectful attitude towards her she had no recollection of when she had gained it, and became incredibly upset when she remembered every year on her birthday, the girl would give her a whole assortment of pastries and desserts.

Now, because she had somewhat highly encouraged her students to send gifts for a better grade, it was just a box of chocolates.

Just a small box of chocolates!?

How could she show off her gifts to the others now!?

And worst of all?

She refused to be the good little Class President anymore.

Her example?

Her Marinette off the world?

Did she not care about setting a good example? Or to be a role model to the class?

Really, to be so selfish, to all of her friends, how ungrateful.

She believed she had sorted this little problem when Chloé, in a fit off understandable jealousy, drew over her gift.

Marinette was unreasonably angry at the poor girl, and so Bustier had said how better it would be for her to rise up and become a beacon of light for Chloé instead of letting that hate and anger fester inside her.

To let go and help out everyone.

To not let your negative side take a hold of you and be positive around everyone in your vicinity.

After all, sharing and helping makes the world go round, and we do want to help the world, right?

She remembered those words she had spoken so fondly to her, as she was always someone anyone could come to for advice. It had always worked after all, after students were able to see the correct side, she’d be thanked which always left a small flutter of happiness around her.

Mendeleiev scared many students away, D’Argencourt with his eccentric personality, made students want to avoid being seen near him after lessons ended, and hardly anyone spent their time in the art club room.

Caline believed she was seen as a shining example of light by the other students, and knew she was seen as a Disney Princess by many, Rose had even called her that once.

However, getting back to the matter at hand, she was very pleased when Marinette had gone out of her way to make Chloé happy, of course, her attitude still remained mostly the same but Caline was smart enough to know it wouldn’t take one nice event to help the girl, so she was so proud when she carried on helping the poor girl out. Chloé was smiling more and even asking for a multitude of things from the blue-haired girl, and if she ever saw Marinette get unreasonably upset again, she’d send a very disappointing glare.

She knew being disappointed in students was a sure-fire way for them to do better and work harder, she knew how guilty her students would feel if they ever managed to get that gaze from their teacher, and… If the elder had done this a bit more on Marinette than anyone else… Well, she would just smile, telling them how much Marinette was able to accomplish, her trips for the class were so good, everyone was jealous. So, didn’t that seem good?

And even though she did see most of it going in the trash, she knew Chloé was just a little bit picky, she’d liked the interest in her, it was normal.

Her home life wasn’t something to be overlooked, she just knew the girl only wished for attention, and she was sure to be able to give it to her.

But then she… Stopped.

Caline had believed the girl had gotten wrongly impatient and told Marinette she shouldn’t be so extreme, but Marinette dared to fight back, against her?

She exclaimed that it wasn’t just Chloé anymore, how could she be expected to be nice to both her and Lila?

Bustier was confused, Lila? What did she have to do with this?

And so, the girl explained that she was just lying for attention, every breath that came out was just a lie. And she couldn’t stand it, she’d apparently turned her friends against her.

Now, normally, Bustier knew Marinette wouldn’t lie.

But, she also knew she couldn’t let this ‘lie’ be revealed.

It might harm her reputation.

She couldn’t have that happen.

So, she knew what she had to say.

That this was just girl drama that all teenagers had.

She couldn’t afford to let her empire fall so soon.

And for something like that.

The faces of the other teachers.

The gossip surrounding her.

“Looks like Caline’s not so good a teacher after all.”

No, she couldn’t bare it.

Who said a little white lie would hurt anyone?

In order to keep her class, exactly the same.

A few snips were made to maintain its image.

And if she had to snip her most prized student.

Then… So be it.

***

When she entered her classroom it was just like any other day.

Her students forming around a desk in the front of the room.

She always commended her students for such actions, she knew how sweet and silent the girl could be and loved how accommodating the class could be to her.

She couldn’t help the wondering gaze that looked upon the back row.

A certain seat was empty, but that was routine by now. And even though there was still 5 minutes till the bell, she still marked her late in her book.

Sometimes Caline had to think if at some points she had expected too much of this single girl… But only to remember that, no, in fact, when Marinette had a better attitude, she had expected too less. Back when she gained some confidence, she had always surpassed her expectations, her trips were the highlight off her job, her morning snacks were a welcomed surprise, her need to prove herself let her have as many responsibilities as possible, yes some were meant to be her own paperwork, but she’d never seen Marinette excel so much, it was a dream come true.

If she could just push her, just a little more… She was sure Marinette would go back to her obedient self, and it would make Bustier’s job a lot easier.

Although… The new student seemed like the perfect candidate as well, since Marinette may not follow her good example, she may be able to get a different example.

She could see just how sweet and pleasant the cherry haired girl was, she’d be perfect for the role. Sneaking a quick glance at the girl who was simply minding her business reading a book and keeping to herself. She did take note she had a bit of a limp for the past week, but didn’t bring it up just to not embarrass the girl in front of the whole class. She just knew if she was able to simply send her views her way, a new example would be made, hell she may even be able to have two if Rosaniline became such a good influence on Marinette she may even change again.

She also just knew Rosann would be good for Chloé, after all, they’d have so much to talk about, and coming from similar backgrounds she could make sure they could be paired together as much as possible.

Of course, only she knew about her family name, Monsieur Damocles had been informed by her residence that they’d prefer not to spread this information about, for it had been such a hinderance for her to make friends before.

Bustier frowned, she knew very well her students wouldn’t try to suck up to her, she almost felt insulted that she wouldn’t trust her students.

But the worst part was that she couldn’t brag about her new student to anyone, no one could find out or they’d all face some action from her Mother, she was very clear on that.

However Bustier tried to not let it bother her too much, after all she was sure she could give a gentle nudge in the right direction about trusting friends and not keeping secrets, to coax her out of her shell. She’d just have to be excruciatingly patient.

Clapping her hands was a symbol for them all to pay attention, she’d never raise her voice to them, not even a little, and she knew they would respect it and quieten down their chatter.

And just like that, the door opened to a fashionably late bluenette. Bustier would feign ignorance to the rather disappointing glares stares the girl was receiving, after all, she was giving one off her own.

She sheepishly walked to her seat just as the bell rang, honestly, she’d given her a lot of warnings before about her punctuality, did she really need to brief her Parents in about the situation?

“Well class, since all of you are here now, I can get on with the lesson” And so began her teaching.

It was fairly simple, she knew her students would be able to easily understand, after all, she knew they were the best, the smartest.

She had to explain the project they were bound to complete to a high standard, she just knew it was another to her list of student’s accomplishments she could brag about.

The project entailed 30% of coursework they must do in pairs in the span of 2 months. They could choose any topic so long as it followed the theme.

And this year’s theme was history, generally her students would groan at this topic, but considering they were able to decide on their personal preferences that should help encourage them to complete it to the best of their ability.

Plus, it helped towards their end of the year grade, and helped their teamwork skills. Of course, Mlle Bustier would always try to be as generous as she could, she wouldn’t remove marks from accidental mistakes unlike a purple haired teacher would, she just couldn’t bear to be so mean to them when she knew they were trying so hard to get all of their marks, she couldn’t punish them for that. Even if it was not necessarily the right thing to do, she couldn’t let there be any wrongful disappointment.

As long as they carried on being a great example, she could never fail them.

Besides everyone loved her projects, while having to be in pairs they always got to present it in any way they wanted, a science experiment, PowerPoint presentation to even a play, she was so very proud when Mylène did that play from last year, so impressive and she had gotten out of her shell. All she had to do was make them follow a simple rule before they could go all out. Her students loved the independence, and when they asked what type of ideas she had, she gleamed and expressed her own interest in the fairy tales. There was so much you could do with so many magical stories and elements, the possibilities were endless. She loved always talking about them in at least all of her lesson as she knew how many life lessons could come out of it.

And besides, in a sense, the other thing that made her the best teacher, she let them pick their own partners.

Of course, she had to make it seem like that.

It was always the same since kindergarten, everyone’s names would be placed in a bowl on a piece of paper, and one by one she’d pick a name up, when she read it out loud other people could raise their hands to ask to be their partner.

Normally it would be the first person to raise their hand, however, Caline wasn’t stupid, there were certain pairs she didn’t always want together.

Such as Alix and Kim, if it were a presentation about sports, she wouldn’t mind as much, knowing they would present a physical display of their athleticism… However, she knew if they were paired up for a slideshow presentation about let’s say, politics. She knew they would only start at the last minute, and include a very messily strown up slideshow. And with Marinette refusing to help out her classmates with even the simplest of matters, her hands were tied.

So, if they ever stuck their hand up for either of them, Bustier would wait to see who else would put their hand up, most of the time it was either Max or Nathaniel respectfully, and since they were all friends, no one had called her out for it.

And that’s how she got around it.

So, she started doing her routine, swirling her hand around the, she picked one up and began to read it aloud.

“Lila Rossi. And who would like to be her partner?” Immediately several hands shot up, bringing a smile on her face again, so many wanted to help this girl it filled her with pride and comfort.

And well, she always had to help by picking the most knowledgeable of students.

“Max, I believe I saw your hand up first” Some students moaned that they couldn’t be with Lila, but they knew that maybe next time they would get a shot.

“Ivan Bruel” Unsurprisingly Mylène’s hand shot up first followed by Juleka and Rose, now normally she wouldn’t let couples be together, but she couldn’t break them up, they did their work so well, so she let it slide.

Grabbing the next piece of paper Caline’s once bright smile, dropped as her eyes scanned over the name before sighing audibly, she didn’t need to hide it, everyone knew whose name it was.

.

.

.

Marinette Dupain-Cheng took a deep sigh.

As soon as Bustier told them about a presentation she was immediately filled with dread.

She could quite easily do it well, or at least get a well enough grade considering Bustier’s shady marking skills.

But her partners influence would be something she dreaded.

Best case scenario, they’ll be so repulsed to be in the same room with her that they’d work independently, and it would more or less seem like two separate presentations in one. Her grade was low.

Worst case scenario, she’d be subjected to either do it alone, or screamed about how much they don’t want to be near her. Her grade would be lowered.

Not theirs, hers.

Bustier would exclaim how she wanted the bluenette to rise above it all and forgive them, and until she was a better student in her eyes, she’d be punished for it.

It didn’t help that when her name was specifically called out, there would be a silence they’ll have to endure for what would seem like eternity.

It would either stop when someone so nobly sacrificed themselves to team up with her or Bustier would be forced to wait until the end for the last name to be picked out.

And she hated having to feel like this.

They were all friends, why did it have to be like this?

And well, just like this silence, it would last for a rather uncomfortable time, more than Marinette liked.

Her head rested on the desk, she at this point didn’t care about her appearance in front of the new girl. It had been a week already and at this point Marinette knew they’d be no point getting to know someone who was bound to abandon her.

It was a despairing truth she’d learn from experience, it was why no one hung around her, even from the other classes, they would be a target next.

Marinette couldn’t blame them, if the situations were reversed, she doubted she’d have enough courage to go out of her way to help.

So, she’d just sit, head on desk as time would pass.

.

.

-

“H-Hey! Why do you have your hand up, we told you how she was a bully, why would you want to be her partner!?”

???

Wait-

That wasn’t meant to happen.

Hesitantly, Marinette picked her head up, only to find her seatmate with an eager hand in the air.

She looked over to her face, a smile present as she glanced towards the teacher, waiting for her to say they would be paired together.

“I want to be Marinette’s partner, and I haven’t seen yet why I shouldn’t” Rosann’s head turned innocently to her classmates, she was radiating happiness as they stared in shock. A blond very much as he did want to be her partner when her name was called out, but he kept his thoughts to himself.

“Marinette! Did you threaten her as well, girl you’re unbelieva-”

“I’m afraid you are being mistaken Mlle Césaire, I wouldn’t willingly make a partnership with my enemy, now Mlle Bustier you may continue if you would please” Marinette gasped, she- she’d just put a target on her back. For her! This girl was crazy…

And yet, despite her cute appearance, she hadn’t seen someone look so confident and polite.

‘Wait did I say cute-’

Even though the girl had stated her answer, it wasn’t the answer the class was looking for.

“Mlle Bustier you can’t put their names down together” Someone protested. It sounded like Lila, she was always leading the class for this sort of thing.

“Yeah, put my name down for Rosaniline instead, we know she doesn’t mean it.” That was Alya.

“But I-” She felt guilty for the new girl, she really did, she would’ve warned her how you’ll never truly be able to say your opinion without everyone interfering or as she put it, butting in.

“She doesn’t know what’s she’s gotten herself into, the poor girl” Rose spoke, if Marinette wasn’t so used to it she’d flinch from the words Rose spoke about her.

What was bad, Rosann wasn’t able to speak.

What was worse, Bustier was very much considering it.

“I guess it would be for the best” Marinette couldn’t believe it. The one person who willingly decided to pair up with her, was being ignored to be partnered up with someone else.

Not that Marinette wanted them to be with someone else mind you, but it was their decision, why wasn’t she spared a thought and have people notice that maybe they didn’t have to decide for her?

What was crueller, was that Marinette found the one person that was on her side… Was the one person who was the first to make her clamper up.

“This is ridiculous absolutely ridiculous” Of all people, it had to be her to join in?

“How extremely hypocritical of you Mlle Bustier, if I couldn’t change my partner from the last project then neither does Dupain-Cheng in this one, isn’t this school meant to teach fairness. Well, the only fair thing I see is the fairly incompetent from this class” Of course the students didn’t take kindly to her words as Bustier sighed yet again.

She knew Chloé had a point, she’d tried to persuade Chloé to have a different partner than Sabrina a few times in previous projects, it would depend on the person, if Chloé didn’t mind, she’d moan but nothing else. If it was someone she didn’t like, she’d threaten to call the mayor, most of the times she wouldn’t considering out of all the teachers even Chloé would admit she liked Bustier the most, she’d never blame her for anything and she loved that about her, but she had a point none the less.

Besides, Bustier believed that maybe Rosaniline would prove to be a very good example to her previous one, and this could be a great place to start.

“Yes Chloé, I believe I understand now, it would be highly unfair if we didn’t let Rosaniline decide for herself” Marinette couldn’t help the somewhat annoyed glance she gave to the teacher for that comment.

“But Mlle-”

“No buts Alya, now why don’t we use the idea Chloé suggested?” The class all heard the snicker from Chloé, they couldn’t believe she could stoop so low like this.

And then it carried on like it had been, but Marinette couldn’t help but let her curiosity get the better of her and as the class was carrying on, Marinette swallowed the gulp that had formed in her throat and turned to the girl next to her.

“Err- Rosaniline?” She gently tapped the girl’s shoulder, she turned and showed she was listening.

“Yes?” Oh god Mari don’t lose confidence now.

“Why, why did you do that?” With that, she saw a smirk emerge from the girl.

“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious, but I am rather petty since I refuse to take the word of someone else before doing my own research” Oh. Somehow that wasn’t what she was expecting, but honestly it was better than pretending to care.

“Although… I should apologise, for how abrupt I was about it” Marinette widened her eyes, why- she didn’t do anything wrong?

“I would’ve preferred asking for your consent first, but seeing the opportunity I may have taken it rather quickly” She grasped one of her braids, a nervous habit maybe, Marinette couldn’t help but notice before giving her answer.

“N-No its fine, I-I don’t mind you being my partner, not like I’ve got anyone better- I mean- I didn’t mean it like that. I just- erm, I just. I’m glad you thought about me” If Marinette had been able to look past her hair, she would’ve noticed the small blush creep up on her cheeks.

“No problem”

***

Normally, a weekend would be extremely relaxing to the young designer.

She had as much time to sleep in, plus she started a late shift anyway, her Parents were the best when it came to that, since they knew how much trouble she had getting up on a school day, they knew they couldn’t ask her to get up early for work, especially since it was their workplace.

And she had completed other homework assignments a while ago, so surely there was no reason for why she should be pacing around in the living room so early for her.

Well, it may or may not have something to do with the new girl.

.

She really should stop calling her new girl, she gave her her name for god’s sake.

But she just felt so nervous.

She told her Parents about this new assignment, and how she actually volunteered to be her partner, and how Marinette in the spur of a moment offered to go to her place on Saturday to start it. And she couldn’t deny when she saw the relieved expression she had when she offered. But now…

She hadn’t had someone over in years, everyone else avoided this place like the plague, the Parents still came though, and although they were slightly informed of the situation, they also just believed it was teenage drama.

Her own Parents showed their own worry, they loved their girl, and they truly didn’t want her to ever be hurt like last time ever again, but they also knew if she never gave this girl a shot, she’d never know.

Was it better to know than to ponder it forever?

That was a phrase Marinette was all too familiar with. However, it still didn’t calm her nerves.

Her Parents had told her if she didn’t want Rosaniline to be around anymore, they’d be more than happy to just so happen have an event take place right at that moment that she would have to leave, even if Marinette hoped that wouldn’t happen.

So, as she continued to pace, she was able to see from her balcony the Parisians all around, her doorway was slightly ajar so she could hear the sound of birds chirping, cars passing, and a motorcycle coming to a stop.

The noise of a motorcycle made her come to a fond thought of her Nonna. She loved her very much, and her free spirit.

Whenever she came back from one of her grand trips, she’d always get Marinette some type of fabric that always made her determined to incorporate into some type of clothing.

It was somewhat why she always stayed in the path of fashion, not just because her Parents would be disappointed in seeing her so unmotivated, but because she still liked the challenge of turning fabric into something.

She giggled, besides that thing from last week, it was the only adventurous thing she had done.

The sound of steps interrupted her as she saw her Maman, she nodded before Marinette felt a slight drop in her stomach.

She was here, she just needed to calm down, it would be fine.

She’d just smile and brace for it.

Walking down the stairs to her bakery was the same as always, she could smell the fresh bread from the oven. She always appreciated this aspect, living in a bakery always meant the aroma was lovely.

Going through the door after her Maman she braced herself to see the ne- er, Rosaniline.

What she didn’t brace for was the little girl cuddling her leg as soon as she entered.

“Hi, my names Piper, can we go to your room now?” She had to compose herself so she wouldn’t fall over with the girl in tow, but she couldn’t help internally awwing at the little kids’ appearance.

Black hair tied back in a red bow, a pink leotard with a lighter coloured tutu skirt. And a short but worn-out blue cape. And to top it all off, sparkly pink shoes faded to orange.

“O-Oh, hi there.” She gave a little wave, still completely confused.

“I’m so sorry Mari, Piper was just too excited to meet you, I’m very sorry for the shock” She saw a concerned look coming from Rosaniline. She sure did fret a lot- ah, she knew she didn’t mean it as a bad thing she just, well, she was used to being quiet and observing.

“Its fine really, but how come you brought your… Sister here?” She was unsure if the guess was right but considering the nod from the other girl, she relaxed knowing she was right. And considering she had to ignore a comment made from her Parents about a nickname she was given, she could just ignore that.

“I’m so sorry for the late notice, it’s just, something came up and I couldn’t find anyone able to take care of her. I’m really sorry for not telling you before but I- I don’t have your phone number so I couldn’t tell you. Eheh. I promise she won’t cause any trouble. Right?” The smaller girl, now back at her Sister’s side, bounced and repeated yes several times.

She looked to her Parents, almost asking them if it was alright, this whole situation caught her slightly off guard, and she momentarily forgot the question was directed at her.

Luckily her Maman was ready.

“Of course its fine, my, your Sister is such a cutie. And what’s your name sweetie?” Her Mother crouched down to make eye level. The girl puffed her chest out before standing straight up.

“My name is Piper Keyne-Hill ma’am, and I am 6 years old” She held one hand up before she looked up.

“Did I do it right?” Rosaniline smiled before bending down to her level as well.

“Do you believe that is the right answer?” Her use of that caused attention to Piper’s hand as the little one looked back, she gasped before proudly extending another finger up.

“There you go” She ruffled her hair as Marinette saw her Mother continue talking with Piper.

And yet… She felt that dread from earlier flee away, seeing Rosaniline interacting with her Sister so fondly brought heat to her cheeks and inside. She just, felt so calm around her.

And that warm smile…

She, kinda wanted her to smile like that to her…

“Marinette?” That broke her out of her trance, she looked over at her Papa who had a confused look.

“Shouldn’t you two start working on the project?”

“Huh? Oh- oh yeah, yes of course the project… Eh, Rosaniline lets go, I’ve got some kid books to keep Piper company” She didn’t mind the weight on her arm, or the way her Parents smiled at her interactions with the cherry haired girl.

She just minded how heavy her heart was pounding for some reason.

.

Marinette never considered her room big, she always found it spacious, it might be due to her always misplacing at least something when she’s in a rush, but she knew where it would be.

Stepping over to her desk draw, she pulls out a bunch of child books, since Nadja always did spring a babysitting job on her, she figured there was no reason to place them somewhere that would be too much of a hassle to keep getting out. So, she kept them closer.

Turning back, she saw the two looking around her room, Piper held so much excitement as Rosaniline wore a smile.

“Woooooow, it’s so pink, Rosalee what type is it?” Tugging at her Sister’s cardigan the older girl smiled.

“There are many different types, so I doubt I know the exact one… But I’d say it was a coral pink” She pattered her head as she too looked over the room, a somewhat reminiscent expression as she takes it all in.

“Mari I’m so jealous, to be able to live in a bakery with all of those magnificent smells around every day, it must be like heaven” Marinette scratched her head, ok- this was all so different, no matter how much she wanted to go back to her usual self, there was always something holding her back. Almost like, if she fell in this trap again, she’d mess it up, before she could be comfortable.

There she goes again, over thinking the situation like before.

No wonder-

“Ahh- it’s a tiger, look look” Piper’s voice brought her out of it as she saw Piper sitting in Rosaniline’s legs.

“Mmhmmn, so, Mari should we get started?” Marinette could only nod before they pulled out some books to get started.

***

‘This was easier when I had to do it on my own’ The bluenette thought, now don’t get her wrong, they weren’t arguing or anything, they just couldn’t exactly agree on a subject together.

When Rosaniline suggested gory fairy tales, she had to physically force herself not to shudder, fortunately the girl opposite her said it was a mere jest, thinking it would’ve been funny to see the teachers face when they spoke about it, but maybe it would be too much.

Rosaniline even joked that they may not have anything in common at all, that did nothing to soothe the young girls’ nerves. She just knew this might not have been the best decision, if they couldn’t find a topic, she knew Bustier would blame her for it, and if Bustier blamed her no doubt the class would as well. And it would just be one more point for them as they’d slowly but surely turn Rosaniline away from her.

It’s not like she would be disappointed or anything, it’s just, she’d rather be right now than in the future with her hopes up.

But, it didn’t help that her feelings were so mixed about this. Why was it she wanted to get to know Rosaniline?

Knock knock.

“Girls, I think you’re due a break now, don’t you?” Marinette was relieved, surely after some food they’ll be able to come up with at least one idea.

“Yes, Mlle Dupain-Cheng, that would be lovely.”

“Now stop that, you can call me Sabine, aw such a polite child you are” She blushed as she rubbed the back of her head.

“Marinette dear, mind if you help me?” Her eyes were confused, her Maman would normally never ask for help, what was so different now?

But not wanting to cause a scene she nodded and proceeded to climb down, just as Piper was moving onto a different type of picture book.

Going over to the kitchen she saw that her Mother had prepared so much food it would’ve looked like a feast, but that was how she was, whenever guests came over you could see more food on a table than a table.

She hoped Rosaniline and Piper had an appetite.

“Is everything alright dear?” She felt her Maman’s hands on her shoulders, it was always reassuring that her Parents did so much to look out for her, even when she pretended to be just fine her Parents would give her time just to be by herself if she needed it and then be there if she wanted to talk.

“Yes Maman, she’s really nice… We just haven’t figured out what topic to do yet.” She laughed nervously as her Mother couldn’t help but give a somewhat serious expression.

“You know, if you at all feel uncomfortable, we can still make up an excuse-” She shook her head.

“No Maman its fine really, if anything we’ll just keep it to the school library… She’s- I don’t know, I can’t explain it, I just feel-”

“Relaxed?” Her Mother finished the sentence for her, she nodded as Sabine thought how glad this girl was making her feel.

“Alright, well then get back up there, you don’t want her thinking you abandoned her?” She nudged her cheek as Marinette pushed her hand gently. She gave her Mum a kiss on the cheek before making her way back up to her room.

She couldn’t explain the feeling much, it was like she was feeling peaceful, a smooth tranquillity around her.

It wasn’t a feeling she had around her older friends, it always seemed like whatever they did was rushed, no time to process it. Or they didn’t let her speak.

Rosaniline did, she let her speak, she listened to her, she made her- feel.

She didn’t want that feeling to go away.

“Piper- I know you like this book, but I don’t think you should be flicking through it.”

“But why? Marilee gave me these. And they look so pretty I want one.” The little one responded, she didn’t demand, she was raised better than that.

“Well, I don’t think she meant to give you this one.” She was confused, wait what book was it?

Her heart stopped as she saw a pink cover-

That- that was her commission book!

She was rushing too much to even notice that she’d given Piper that one book.

Oh god, she was going to see her secret, that she was starting her own commission blog, that she was MDC- that she could tell everyone at Collège Françoise Dupont, and it could ruin her career. That everyone could post lies about her, making nobody trust her and demand refunds, and maybe she’d get taken in by the police- be sent to jail and never have her dream job of-

“Mari? Hey, Mari can you hear me?” She felt warm hands wrap around her own. She could feel herself look up as silver concerned eyes looked back at hers.

She felt another tug at her skirt, looking down to see Piper with her own worried expression.

“Did I make Marilee upset?” It was a simple question that pulled at her heartstrings, she felt tears prickle at her eyes for her overthinking. But she didn’t mean for Piper to be upset, or for Rosaniline to be worried either.

There she went again, overthinking every little thing that she couldn’t account for, why did she have to be this way, why did she have to be so cynical and downright negative.

“Oh no, heavens no Piper, I just- er had something in my eye, yeah. You didn’t do anything Piper, I’m glad you like the books I gave you.” Piper smile grew as she proceeded to drag Marinette over to the books again.

She seemed to be putting on an act though, from what Rosaniline could see. She was panicking over something, why? She didn’t know, she did want to find out but didn’t want to push it. She had a habit of wanting to find out answers, it wasn’t a bad thing, she remembered her Mum say, it’s just sometimes she could be just a teeny bit insensitive about it.

Looking over the scene she saw her little Sister pointing excitedly at the pages of sketched clothing, her saying how much she loved them and all the colours that she used and said how the author was so creative.

Marinette laughed along, her tears faded as she enjoyed Piper’s enthusiasm, almost making a note to definitely make her something- and for Rosaniline of course, it’ll be weird to make it for one and not the other.

And then- an idea struck.

“I know, why don’t we do it about the history of fashion?” The dark-skinned girl spoke up. She saw two heads turn towards her as she grinned. Putting her hands together near her cheeks as she spiralled in her own thoughts.

“I’ve always wanted to learn more about it, to see the transformations going through all the ages. And this could be the perfect time. So, what do you think?” It was a question that seemed as if she could reject it, but it still felt like a trick.

What if she didn’t suggest this as a solution, but for convenience for herself, since now she knew she liked fashion and would make her do all the work, it’s not like it hadn’t happened before, so why did it hurt so much to have her do it?

Did she have any right to object, wouldn’t it seem like she was being way to fussy? They already saw her sketches before, so she couldn’t deny she was a good artist. But then what if the others thought it was her idea?

That she made Rosaniline chose this subject, and get told how selfish to have done so, a disappointing gaze from Bustier, a disapproving gaze from Adrien, she felt her chest tighten up again, oh god, she was overthinking again, why did she have to be like this?

“Hey- hey Mari, we don’t have to if you don’t want… I-er saw you liked videogames; we could always do it about that if you want?” But Mari felt so disappointed in herself, she was being so accommodating to her, why, why for her? She didn’t deserve this.

“B-But Marilee’s so good at drawing, she can really really really draw. I know you can do it.” Piper enthusiastically cheered, she would’ve smiled but couldn’t, not yet, she just had to think through it.

What could she do?

“Piper, not now” Rosaniline slightly scolded, she never liked doing it honestly, but besides her Mother she had the trademark glare that told her to pack it in.

Unfortunately, Piper never did look at her while she was in such an energetic mood.

What could she do?

“Rosalee she’s amazing, she’s the best in the world. Don’t do it about stupid video games.” She tried persuading her Sister to see some sense, in the short time that she had known Marilee, she was pretty much enarmed with her, she found another Sister that needed a confidence boost.

What. Could. She. Do!?

“Piper!- Look, sometimes not everyone wants to show their skills to other people, and we have to respect that, ok?” She crouched down to her level, kids felt less intimidated when you weren’t so tall, besides, Piper didn’t mean anything by it, she was always told to follow her heart, and if she was proud of something, she should show it off for the whole world to see.

What could-

Wait?

Could someone really be so accommodating? Could it really be true? Could all of this be true?

“Aww… Ok Rosalee, sorry Marilee” Piper hugged Marinette’s leg, and even though it felt like she was getting told off, she knew she wasn’t in real trouble.

Or was it a persona?

“I’ll do it.”

If this was a plan, a plan to make her do all the work, then she’ll go along with it. It felt so mean, so immature, so senseless that she still wasn’t trusting her, but she didn’t want to turn Rosaniline away without any evidence, besides, if this was all a trick, then surely it was better this way, she would’ve foreseen it and everything would go back to normal, she’d go off to join the class while she’d be alone once more, maybe they’ll have passing glances and memories of what could’ve been but she wouldn’t leave her here open and out to be in such a vulnerable position.

Not just for her, but for both, she didn’t know what would happen after another heartbreak.

“Huh?”

“I- I don’t mind if we do it about fashion, I mean, only if you want to, I don’t mind teaching you about it, I-I even had some books stored just for this, so I guess its lucky right” A nervous laughter evolved as she looked at anywhere but her.

However, the cherry haired girl wasn’t as convinced.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I guess little Piper just convinced me.” The little girl fist pumped to herself before running along back to her books before the bluenette felt soft hands on her shoulders.

“As long as you want to as well, I… Wouldn’t want to force you or anything” Quick, she had to ease the tension.

“-Psst- Don’t worry so much Rosaniline, c’mon I’ll see where I put those books, also how far do you wanna go back, if we go too far, we might not be able to cover everything. But if we go to a few years back our presentation would just be too small. Maybe we can just go halfway. That reminds me maybe we could have a physical element, I could throw together some pieces of old works together and show them of as we talk- or” Her shoulders were gently grabbed again as she looked at the close proximity she was in, it made her blush just a tad more than she thought she ever could.

“Maybe we could discuss that, over something to eat?” She quickly looked down and remembered the food on the ground, no doubt cold now. She felt guilt come in before seeing her passionate smile.

“Sorry, I just saw how passionate you were about this, I couldn’t bear to stop you, but then I got worried if you’d run out of air, Eheh. Think we can heat the food up?” She nodded, maybe it might be better to eat downstairs after all, now that Marinette knew what topic she- they were doing, they could crack on and complete it earlier than the deadline.

She’d have to get Rosaniline’s phone number of course, just in case they needed to discuss other things but that could wait.

Of course, it could wait.

She was just so happy in that moment, she- she may have really wanted to try and be her friend.

And maybe-

No- she just wanted to continue to be near her, to hold her hand when she’s upset, to help her when she’s had a bad day.

To be… Closer to her, to that warmth.

… Was it selfish of her to want to be near that warmth for longer?

***

Night had fallen upon Paris, but the lone girl on her balcony didn’t mind at all.

Ever since that day, a part of her wished something else would happen.

No- she didn’t want the hero to be hurt again, that’s by far too sadistic to even think about… But she was really excited by all of those events, when she was able to get a breather, there was a rush of adrenaline throwing through her veins, and even if she did want something else to happen, she’d prefer to be out here just to see if she could get a glimpse of the hero again.

It had been a week since it happened, and Marinette could only guess she must have been resting from her… Fight? Was that the right word? Oh well, she must’ve been resting since she hadn’t heard anything about her from the news for a while, she could only hope her wound would heal by professionals instead of her shoddy work. But- she had to realise that she had to hope for the hero’s survival.

For Soliane Rin’s survival.

… She may have read a bit more into her- but it was only out of curiosity, she wasn’t going to gain another obsessive crush over someone famous again, nope, nada, she wasn’t going to fall for those really amazing silver eyes the press had made sure to call grey, but she was sure they were silver.

Wait, no it wasn’t like she looked at them for particularly long or anything, she definitely didn’t get lost in them, she saw a poster of them! Ah- this wasn’t helping. She needed to change the subject immediately!

Clang.

She jumped up instantly, her commissions book that was resting on her lap was now flying through the air! Oh no, she was going to lose everything, crap! Her designs!

A figure, however, flew up to catch them before landing in front of the startled girl.

“I believe these books were trying to plan their escape from you mi Belle” It was her; it really was her! She was-

“You’re alright” Her happiness took over her before she could even register that she had leapt into the arms of the hero of Paris.

She was going to regret this so much.

With her cheeks rosying so much, she jumped back until she fell back onto her chair, apology after apology escaping the girl not daring to look at her face.

‘How embarrassing, how inappropriate, how childish. Why did she have to make a fool out of herself now? In front of the new hero no less? Again!’

“There’s no need for any embarrassment, I was unaware I’d caused you such panic over my recovery, if I’d known you were worried, I would’ve visited a lot sooner.” Ah- she was always so formal with her choice of words. It was great, she was great- wait what?

“But I- didn’t realise you’d wish to see me after my blunder from last time.” That made her perk up, what… What was she talking about?

Soliane’s gaze seemed to be fixated on the ground as she looked so- so frustrated with herself. Why?

“To have failed on the first day as a hero, to have troubled a civilian with help. I can’t thank you enough to have woken you at such a godly hour just for my sake” She bowed her head forward as Marinette couldn’t help but try to make her stop.

“It’s nothing really, I mean I’m sure anyone else would help out a hero like you. I-I mean maybe not everyone else since there are some bad people but I’m sure most will. Not that you don’t need it, I mean you do- don’t I- I’m sorry I’m rambling again” Soliane Rin didn’t appear to hear her as she carried on with her tirade.

“But to not even know who it was that harmed me. I-I don’t deserve to have my title as a hero.” Why? Why was she saying this? She- no she couldn’t be serious.

But that look made it all the more real, she’d seen it so much. Every time she ever looked in the mirror after crying for so long, regret, disappointment, anything and everything negative flashed through her mind and she could tell, see everything, all of it.

And knew it broke her, would break her.

Marinette knew she didn’t have any powers.

She couldn’t shoot lasers from her eyes.

She couldn’t fly.

She couldn’t control objects through her mind.

But- how Mother always said she had a talent for one thing.

Empathy.

She could be so understanding when her mind was so calm, when she wasn’t worrying about what others were thinking of her, when she could see, truly see inside their heart, all of their feelings out on display, and helping them, by being there for them.

For knowing exactly what to say…

It- may not always work, but no superhero comes out of every battle unscathed.

“Please stop” She looked up, but it was still such a pitying look. She could see through her smile, but it felt as if she wasn’t even trying to hide it, like there was no use concealing it.

“You can’t keep blaming yourself for a mistake like that, it’s not fair to you- or to me. Yes, I was scared when I saw you injured, but I’m so glad that you’re here now. You’re still standing. You still want to continue even when you were hurt. I’ve seen just how strong you are, how confident you can be when the world tried to throw its worse at you.” She stepped closer to her, having gotten up from her fallen position.

“So please don’t give up for one mistake,”

She stepped closer…

“Don’t give up when I know you have the strength in you to persist.” She wrapped her arms around her again, and this time she wasn’t so embarrassed about doing it.

She was crying…

She tried to use those words for someone else.

It hadn’t worked… So, she had to believe in anything and everything for it to succeed now, for her.

“You risk your life every day, and yet you never ask for anything. I want to thank you for all that you’ve done, on behalf of Paris, no, the whole world. You’re a real hero Soliane Rin. Please don’t doubt that.” She hugged a bit tighter; she hadn’t meant to get so emotional on her, but maybe that emotion wasn’t just for her.

.

.

It was silent.

Too silent.

Marinette had to hold her breath in anticipation, did- did she go too far? Did she overstep her boundaries again? Did she-

“Ah I see. Thank you, I-I mean, I appreciate your gratitude Marinette” When she looked back, she could see her cheeks were red, she could see her silver eyes look back at her before seeing her own cheeks reddening as well- wait, she was so close! Again!

She jumped back again, not falling this time, thanking the heavens that she wasn’t making a fool out herself as much as usual.

“I must commend your stubbornness my dear. I- I hadn’t imagined you’d have a positive opinion of me after that, I must apologise for making such a rash assumption about you, and for- eh snapping me out of that. I’m thankful to have met such a kind and respectable hero like you.” She bowed her head again as Marinette had to comprehend what had just happened.

It felt awkward, Soliane Rin was blushing a lot, Marinette was blushing like crazy as well.

“Me a hero, what no way. You’re just joking, don’t tell me you hit your head too?” She waved her hands in front of her. She recalled how clumsy she was, how often she’d trip on the stairs to Collège or even when she dropped her tray of pastries on the floor, that one was particularly embarrassing.

However, she was too late to see that Soliane had stopped her smile as Marinette began to panic again.

“No! I didn’t mean hit your head I meant did you crack it- no check it- no I mean, how can I ever be a hero to anything, I’m just me, Marinette. I don’t have any superpowers or anything I’m just an ordinary girl ehehehe” She felt her hand taken by the hero again, her heart stopping for a moment before jumping to x2, she couldn’t believe she was holding her hand again.

“Just because I wear a mask and costume doesn’t make me a hero. It’s my ideals and thoughts for the people. Marinette, you may not have powers, or a hero name. But you can be a hero still. After all, All that is needed for the prevail of malevolence is that individuals concede defeat.” Marinette was shocked, she just- wow, that was cool. And… So sweet. To say that, about anyone, about her. Even if she didn’t fully believe it at first, she’d be sure to keep those words very close to her heart.

The bluenette smiled back, before they both looked over her balcony and over Paris, they share a moment just looking out, the silence was comforting to them as some time passed.

There was a question that may have crossed her mind at one point, she felt guilty for taking so much time out of her day- night- schedule? Oh well, she had to ask just one little thing.

Marinette fiddling with her fingers, she took a deep breath.

“S-So do you have to do a patrol or-” Soliane looked up surprised before checking something around her wrist, she laughed nervously before turning back.

“Huh- oh yes, unfortunately I won’t be able to stay longer, however it would be even more unbefitting of me to avoid my job any further” She wanted to deny what she said was true, but saw her giggle so slightly, knowing it was a small joke, she lightened up as Soliane Rin bows again and flies off from her balcony railings bidding her adieu.

With her hand resting where her heart was beating, faster than usual, faster then whenever she was late for class. Faster than-

Oh

Oh

Oh no.

No no no! Not again, how did she not realise it sooner?

How!?

This familiar feeling.

Why did it come back?

And why did she want it to stay!?

***

I hope you enjoyed it.

Anyway, I’m willing to take a bunch off prompts for Rosann and Mari on date nights/doing couple things, whether you want some added salt from the class is up to each requester, I may turn a few away if I either feel uncomfortable or simply not able to write it, these prompts will come out randomly, I have no structure to anything. To submit, I’ll allow for the idea to be within any time frame, i.e. when they first meet, to being friends, to being a couple. I do love angst although I’ll be unsure how to make it work when it should be a ton off fluff stuff. If you have any questions don’t feel afraid to ask, I might have to clarify some points. I’ll be ordering the prompts, and stating when they come in the main story, what you would’ve need to have read before, if it contained any spoilers for certain chapters and any trigger warnings, although you may need to state what might be triggering as sometimes, I too get confused on what I need to state, if anyone can do that then that’s alright.)

Even though I like a Saltinette, sometimes I still wanna see a different perspective of her, an anxious, guilt-ridden, cautious, mess like this version. I just think it’ll be interesting to basically rewrite Marinette’s character. Instead of this sassy overconfident one in most fanfic’s I’ve now changed the status quo. Haha.

And I believe I’ve taken a somewhat realistic approach to Marinette trying to trust someone else, I didn’t want to just rush into it. However, I do think it’s a bit different with Soliane Rin because she is a hero, and I think Marinette could trust her a lot easier than Rosaniline.

Also did you know that Majestia’s quote was a straight rip off of Edmund Burke’s?

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good people do nothing.

Yeah...

Cya next time.

Note: Please tell me if I should add anything else to the card, there will be one of these cards for all 15 chapters, however, because I have uni work all updates will be slower because I really need to focus on the uni stuff, then I might be able to upload quicker. They also may change in the future because I can never stop adding stuff.

[rokutouxei]

the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

ikemen vampire: temptation through the dark theo van gogh / mc | T | [ ao3 link in bio ]

The challenge seemed pretty simple: to try to befriend the university bookshop’s most sour employee, Theo van Gogh. As a literature major with a boatload of book recommendations on her back, it ought to be a simple task indeed. But as she uncovers what lies between Theo’s pages, the more she finds it harder to become closer to him without having to put the feeling directly into words. What can she learn from Theo about what it means to stay—and how can she teach Theo about what it means to let go? | written for ikevamp big bang 2020!

[ masterpost for all chapters ]

CHAPTER 13 OF 22

The sadness of rivers is their aimlessness. Though the edge of the world invites them, they refuse to go beyond themselves.

- "The Sadness of Rivers", Maurya Simon

 --

We’ll be able to rent a decent space with the amount, Theo had said.

It was never a we, though. Renting a space, holding an exhibit, submitting it for consideration for graduation requirements—those were all Theo’s ideas. The pool of money for it? All Theo’s—little bits saved from work, those that didn’t go to rent or food or his own needs. Sure, Vincent paid the bulk of everything, bills, groceries, he did part-time too, but for his own little artistic show? No. That was all Theo.

Theo always had good ideas. Somehow, he’s gotten it into his head that all his ideas are good, if his brother was part of it. Because Vincent is always a good idea to him.

But what about Vincent?

--

Their little study session ended way later than she thought it would.

Well, it wouldn’t have, if Dazai hadn’t spent a particularly astonishing amount of time picking at Isaac for bringing an apple pie to share—“It’s because of your stupid jokes! Now I get gifted nothing but apple things! Commiserate, at least!” “Oh, you don’t have to, Ai-chan.” “Dazai!”—but no matter. One apologetic text message to Theo later, she’s on her way to his apartment instead, to drop off the book she’d promised to lend him. An extra one, besides the one for their book exchange, because you can never have too many books. She would have gone to the bookstore, but at this time it’s already closed, and Theo’s already left to go do some groceries on the other end of town.

One thing about being close with the van Gogh brothers is that now, she can just drop in and out of their house unannounced. Theo will act irritable, as he always does, but he doesn’t really mind. Vincent is always pleasantly surprised. And when their little rented apartment is right in the middle of their small town, it’s just the right spot to hang out and crash.

(A great piece of information for her, and a terrible discovery for Theo.)

Maybe I should go in and chat with Vincent a little, she thinks, as she rounds the corner to the familiar house. Wait, no, Theo said he spends the late hours of the day painting. I shouldn’t bother. I’ll just drop this in the mailbox and tell Theo.

But the slightly-opened front door takes her by surprise.

Not open intentionally, to let the last rays of the sun enter the inside of the house, but just left a tiny bit ajar, as if it had been pulled on too lightly, the door not touching the frame, the lock not clicking into place. From the outside, she notices that all the lights inside are shut off, leaving most of the living room in unnerving darkness.

Vincent doesn’t like the darkness.

She knows because Theo told her.

“Vincent?” she cautiously calls out, gently swinging open the creaky gate door. No response. She pushes it back to place and takes careful steps up the open door, getting nervous with every crunch of snow. “Vincent? It’s me.”

Her hand hovers over the doorknob hesitantly, but then she grasps it and pushes the door open. True enough, the lights in the main area of the house are all turned off; the curtains are drawn; at 5:00pm, there’s barely enough light to see the silhouettes of the furniture.

“Vincent?”

She hears a sniffle.

A small one; hushed and guilty; as if it hadn’t meant to be heard.

Her heart breaks.

“…Vincent?”

She closes the door behind her, doing her best to keep it as silent as possible. The kitchen and dining area are empty, but the door to the studio is open just a peek. She puts the book bag gently onto the couch and then heads toward it. She doesn’t want to spook him; doesn’t want him to be scared of her; she just wants to be there right now. So as she walks down the hallway, she makes sure her footsteps are even, but not heavy. Prepares him for her arrival—tells him that she’s not there to harm him.

But it’s her that’s not ready for the sight she sees.

Vincent and Theo rent a small home in the middle of the university town. It’s not the biggest, but it’s still rather grand for only a pair of brothers sharing it. The most frugal of students could perhaps fit eight people in this house if there were four double-bunk beds with two bunks in each room.

But Vincent needs the art space.

The studio is the bigger one of the two rooms, and it doubles as Vincent’s working space and a small library, with small shelves of the brothers’ books.

The studio is Vincent’s holy place. This is where he spends most of his day when he’s painting indoors, perfecting what he’d started elsewhere. One entire wall of the studio room has been decked out with a ridiculously large corkboard, from which Vincent hangs all sorts of things, sketches and studies and inspiration. This is his art room. This is his safe space.

It doesn’t look like that anymore.

The corkboard has been pulled out of its place on the wall. Small cans and tubes of paint have spilled all over the wooden floor, making it into a multicolored mess, much of it having missed the protective newspapers. A multitude of papers are now unrecognizable, torn up, scattered around the room. The studio light Vincent was so proud of lies sideways on the farther end of the room, its bulb perhaps shattered.

And Vincent sits in the middle of the room, like a survivor amongst the chaos.

Sobbing.

Head in his hands, curled up in fetal position, pulling at his hair.

Hoarse.

“Vincent…”

Where should one begin?

Theo had told her about it. The reason his brother couldn’t finish his last project; why he couldn’t get past all this. The mood swings. The crippling strength of it. The way it turned him upside down, made everything impossible—sleeping, eating. And much less making art.

The cracks.

Vincent looks up at her like he’s been to hell and back; his eyes hollow.

The way he calls out her name as if it’ll break on his tongue.

She knows that expression.

She’s seen that somewhere before.

In a face more familiar.

Like in a mirror.

Making sure not to make much noise, stepping around the paint cans, she finds her way next to Vincent, and he scoots a little to afford her some space on the only dry, unstained bit of newspaper in the whole room. She’s sure her black skirt is still going to have some mad red stain on the butt, and for sure also the soles of her shoes, but that doesn’t matter right now.

What matters is Vincent.

They spend a long, quiet moment together, one minute bleeding into two, three, four. She keeps track of time with the tick-tock of the analog clock across the room, its glow in the dark clock hands proving useful in the quickly seeping night. At the five-minute mark, Vincent has laid his head on her shoulder, the golden mop of his hair ticklish against her cheek.

“Want to talk?”

Vincent doesn’t speak at first. When he finally does, it sounds like he’s pulling out his voice from somewhere deep in him. Like he’s doing his best—the way he always does. “Theo might come home soon.”

“I’ll send him away,” she says, taking her phone out of her pocket. Vincent stares at the screen just long enough for her to type [ don’t come home yet ] before he turns away. She quickly follows up with [ get something nice for Vincent, but DON’T come home yet. tell u later ] before putting her phone face-down on her thigh.

As if to tell Vincent, the world is quiet now. No one will reach us here. It’s just you, me, and this room.

You’re safe here.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” he admits, gesturing at the stack of paintings on the other end of the room. The paintings he’d been making for his project. The exhibition Theo has been looking forward to. “I don’t want to do it anymore.”

When Vincent puts down his hands, she sees they’re ink-stained, like they always are. But they look different. Thinner. Has he not been eating? She tries to remember how much of Vincent she’s seen recently. How he looks much more tired.

“Did something happen?”

“I happened,” he says, with a soft, self-deprecating chuckle. “Theo should stop working so hard for me when I can never get this right. I should just drop out.”

She’s under a different unit, being a literature major, but she and Vincent technically are in the same college—the College of Arts. Sure, she’s in the Department of Humanities and he’s in Fine Arts, but still. She hasn’t been there long, but Vincent has, and he’s become some sort of legend in their already-small department. The genius, they call him, the prodigy; so many of his previous paintings hang in the dean’s hall to serve as an inspiration to current students.

But he had a problem—he couldn’t seem to finish his bigger projects. Couldn’t see his ideas to the end. The paintings get completed, but the entire collection never comes to shape. They’re always only shattered parts of a whole dream of his—a dream that everyone in the department is sure to be beautiful, but cannot rightly prove, because they never become real.

And so Vincent has never made it out of there.

She considers the correct things to say. The right ones, the factual things. Like how he shouldn’t drop out, actually, because he’s actually good. Like how he does have a vision, it’s just a matter of discipline and having faith in it. Like how everyone is watching him—not because he’s a failure, but because he’s so much greater than he thinks.

But then she considers better things to be heard.

The ones she would have wanted to hear.

“Art block?” she prods.

He shakes his head. “I wish it were.”

She nods, careful not to stir him. “It just doesn’t make sense, huh?”

He squeezes his hands into fists so hard, his knuckles turn white. She wants to take them in hers and unclench them, but she knows better. She counts the seconds. In half a minute, he releases them.

“I can’t get it right. It seems alright, and then I get midway through, and then everything crumbles. I’m not good enough for what I can see. For what I want to do.”

Who ever is, though?

She bites her cheek. “What are you afraid of?”

“Letting him down.”

She’d heard the story, but from Arthur, instead of Theo. That Theo was a star-student, gunning for honors. If he hadn’t stopped, if he hadn’t taken a break, he would have had higher chances of getting better awards. But after Vincent failed his first attempt at setting up an exhibition, Theo requested to take lower academic loads for the meantime, allowing him to get a job and to support Vincent. Theo could risk it because while Vincent’s scholarship didn’t cover the costs of an extra year—Theo’s did.

But he’d also lost precious starting years for that.

Which may not amount to much in the long run, but at the moment—it’s all they have.

Their youth.

And Vincent was taking it from Theo.

At least, that is how he sees it.

She knows for sure that’s not how Theo sees it.

She’s 100% sure.

But when in a place like this, a lot of times, what’s true doesn’t matter much—not when you’re chest-deep into the truth you’d made yourself believe already.

There’s no convincing Vincent out of this.

Only sitting next to him.

“What do you need help with?”

An artist to an artist.

“How do you just… keep going?”

She turns to him, his head still on her shoulder. Contemplates for a moment, then presses her cheek against the mop of sunflower-yellow hair. “I’m scared of stopping.”

“Why?”

“Because I feel like if I stay in a place too long, I’ll get trapped there,” she says. “It looks like motivation, but it’s not. It’s fear. It is, and always has been.”

Silence, again. But only the kind of silence between two people who understand what lingers in between the words. “Why are you afraid?”

“This place hasn’t been kind to me.”

He reaches out, puts a hand on her knee. A wordless I know what that means.

To be taught art in such a rigid institution is always a privilege, an honor, a badge that says, “I am trained for this”, but it also gets very choking. Very prescriptive—that this is what art is. That this is the minimum of what it should be. In many ways, it stops the very art it wants to cultivate from really flourishing.

Vincent finally breaks the silence. “I’m the opposite. I don’t think I’m ready to go away.”

To send him off—that had been Theo’s dream. To lend his brother wings. He’s always seen what Vincent is capable of, even when his older brother hides behind his fear of the rest of the world, of their eyes on him.

“You’re afraid he’s investing it all on you, but then you won’t be able to give him a good return.”

He hums in agreement, but does not clarify, does not expound. The clock on the other end of the room ticks for what feels like an eternity, as they weigh their words. The sun is long out of the sky. The only sources of light in the room are the clock’s glow-in-the-dark hands and a streetlight across the road; the room is awash in weak gold.

“I want to create something that will matter, to be fair to him. But I can’t. I haven’t ever been able to. I’m wasting both of our times.”

The confession is heavy in his lips and she can feel it. How hard it was to say it. How long he’d been waiting to put it out there, instead of carrying it around. There’s a certain relief when one admits a fault—one that can quickly be lost into its consequences, but a relief nonetheless.

“Whose definition of mattering are you using, Vincent?”

It’s the boldest question she’s ever dared ask tonight, the sharpest of all the knives, but there’s no getting around this: it’s one that needs to be asked. And Vincent knows that, too, if the way he doesn’t flinch or react to it is any clue. He knew it was coming.

Maybe he’d even been asking it to himself on his own, too.

He sits up, as if maintaining any sort of physical contact with her is too much. She takes no offense at it. Clutching his arms against his torso, he answers feebly, “The rest of world’s.” The art world’s. The real world’s. The out there which won’t be as gentle to his art as this small studio room, as his brother.

She takes a deep breath, letting the answer linger in the quiet. The longer it remains there unrefuted, the more and more it sounds silly. Who decides the standards? Who decides what’s art? Who are they to decide on this?

And just like before, there are better things to say, of course. But a good friend doesn’t only coddle. They nurture. And sometimes, nurturing isn’t pretty.

Isn’t gentle.

“The art department… they’re nuts,” she begins, and it gets a small burst of sympathetic laughter from Vincent. “They’re always dreaming up of this or that. I don’t know where our professors get it, but they’re always looking out for something better out there. Even if the ones we currently have and do are pretty alright as it is.”

Vincent nods, but does not answer.

“You know the multimedia arts room? That was the most ambitious project of all. And it seemed great at the start, to have this specific area that said we have to collaborate or else. The film students took all the writing majors who were good at screenplays and just attempted to make whatever came to mind.” She takes a deep breath. “You remember what resulted out of that?”

He nods again. “The film showing last Christmas.”

“Yes! The film showing last Christmas!” She says, laughing as she goes. “They weren’t supposed to show the films, but all the shooting caused such a hubbub about it… the others wanted to see what happened, of course. So the student council set up a film showing, which the head of the department wanted to block.”

“They said the students didn’t get permission.”

“Yes, that’s what they said. But they did! Then they said the films weren’t qualified for showing, weren’t up to standards, but when the students argued, the department had to back off because there weren’t any valid standards to begin with, except ‘if the Head enjoys it.’” She closes her eyes, memories of last year coming back. “And the film students didn’t even have to lift a finger. It was everyone else who was curious about what they’re doing who got it all running. And so everyone who stayed here watched it anyway, the morning before Christmas, and it was such a hit they had to send it to experimental film festivals and—they won.”

“Mmhmm.” The meaning sinks in as Vincent listens. He leans back toward her shoulder.

She lets him stay there silently for a few breaths, before asking, “You get what I’m saying, don’t you?”

And in a soft voice, he begs, “Tell me anyway?”

So she does. “A lot of us will never be satisfied with what we do. I’m never satisfied with what I do. And I’m sure you know that feeling, too.” she sighs. “We’re so engrossed in getting that thing in our heads right, when they come out of our hands, that—we rarely see how closely we’ve come from the nothing they come from. We both always start with blank canvases, Vincent.”

She sees him clench his fists, then release them.

“And maybe we’ll never be content with what we do, but they’ll still be art. If not to us, then to someone else. And there will always be someone,” she says. “I’ll always think your work is art. I’ll always think it matters.”

“Thank you,” he mumbles. Tries to not make it obvious that he’s crying. Tries not to make the sleeve of her shirt damp.

“And Theo will always think your work is art. I know because he never stops talking about it. And maybe—maybe the Theo in your head will say it doesn’t matter, but to the real Theo? It will.” She gently pats his head. At this point, she’s half-talking to herself but she goes anyway, saying, “You’re allowed to change your mind in the middle, you’re allowed to abandon what you do not love anymore but—you’re also entirely allowed to continue to love something even when others do not think it is good enough. Even when you think it isn’t good enough, because sometimes… that feeling just is.” She takes a deep breath. “And sometimes the thing you love, the thing you make, it won’t be as good as the last one. Sometimes it’ll be shit. But it’ll still be a step forward, you know? It still contributes to the bigger ecosystem of all the art ever created. Maybe you’re scared of what you’re going to make, that you won’t be enough for it, that you won’t be able to give it justice, but—you’re the only one who can give it to life the way you can.”

Vincent laughs, the small, amused laugh he usually makes, and this time, it feels lighter than any from earlier that evening. He doesn’t hide the next sniffle he makes, or try to be discreet about wiping his eyes. “Has Theo been making you read his philosophy books?”

She groans. “Yes, I feel like I ended up on the losing end of a bargain.”

He laughs, finally getting back to sitting up. “Well, your poetry books have certainly made him more colorful now, if that’s any comfort.”

“Colorful?” she turns to him. “What does that mean?”

But Vincent only shrugs, that very maddening van Gogh evasion that she’s long gotten used to, just with a different person. But that’s okay. What matters is Vincent is here now. She presses the warm palm of her hand over the back of Vincent’s, and they stay there, in comfortable silence, for a few more recuperative minutes.

--

She messages Theo, and he’s at the door in three minutes. There’s surprise written on her face but she doesn’t prod, at least not now, as Vincent emerges from the room. She and Theo share a look at each other in understanding: not right now.

It’s heavy and hard to swallow but Theo knows that she’s right. He does his best to swallow down all his questions, as he sees his brother’s red-rimmed eyes, the tenderness of the smile on Vincent’s face. Instead, Theo focuses on the things he can do—it’s his turn now. He serves the still-warm pancakes from Vincent’s favorite shop as Vincent’s appetizer. When the silence begins to thicken, he switches up the banter with her, throwing biting phrases (softened with their mutual understanding) at each other like they’re hot, Vincent unable to keep up with his little reprimands. Theo cooks up an actual meal for the three of them from whatever is in the fridge—and it turns out to be fish, which isn’t his best dish, but it turns out edible anyway, so that’s what matters.

Theo gives her the bigger slice like an unsaid thank-you, and she raises a biteful in his direction in acknowledgment.

When they’re done eating, Vincent turns to Theo as he’s bringing their plates to the kitchen sink. “You should walk her home, Theo,” he says. “It’s late and too dangerous to go alone.”

It’s just eight o’clock, which isn’t exactly that late, but there’s no arguing with Vincent when he goes full big-brother mode. Theo knows that, too.

Instead, Theo says: “Where’s your bike?”

“I lent it to Dazai,” she answers, cringing just a little bit. “Just today, too.”

So after exchanging thanks for the meals and good nights—and a full, tight, caring hug for Vincent, for good measure—she and Theo are already on their way to her apartment building, walking down familiar streets only lit by lamps and the moonlight.

Once they’ve turned the corner, she finally speaks.

“I know you want to ask me about it, but I don’t think I can.”

Theo instantly relaxes—a held breath let go, one he didn’t know he was holding until she had spoken. “It didn’t feel right to ask.”

“It doesn’t feel right to say, either,” she says. “Just… be there for him, okay? I know you’re looking out for him and that’s why you’re doing all this, but you have to be there too.”

Theo doesn’t need to answer for her to know that he will do as he’s asked.

It’s a 20-minute walk from the brothers’ house to hers, and Theo is prepared to only share silence with her the rest of the way. He has nothing to say, nothing to ask, just here to give her the least bit of thanks he can for being there for his brother when he wasn’t. A part of him is panicking about leaving Vincent alone at home. But a larger part of him wants to be here, a foot away from her, like being in her presence might just be enough to clear his head, to help him consider what he has to do.

When they get to the main boulevard at the halfway point, she speaks while they wait to cross the street.

“I can’t tell you what Vincent said, but I can tell you what I think.”

The pedestrian sign turns green.

“Anything,” Theo says, suddenly out of breath. She starts to walk ahead of him and he tries to catch up.

She doesn’t speak for a while, as if rearranging the words in her head. When she finally does, she’s walking next to him so she can give him a proper look in the eye. The feeling of her gaze on his makes Theo feel a little more vulnerable than he would have liked.

“I think… sometimes, even when you have the best in mind… it can read different,” she says softly. “It might feel like you’re saying it’s what you expect. Like you’re saying it’s what you deserve out of it.”

Theo bites back the denial bitterly building on his tongue.

“You’re a cheerleader, not a strategizer.” She turns away from him. “The battle is on the fighter. If they lose, they already face the sting of the loss—they don’t need to carry the excess guilt of disappointing you.”

Theo takes a deep breath. “Okay.”

Punching him lightly on the shoulder, she says with a smile, “You ought to talk to Vincent.”

“How do I talk to him about this?”

She shrugs. “Sometimes even the worst of talking makes the difference, you know? Good difference though.”

Theo hums in agreement.

They walk the last five minutes of the journey idly, pointing at different things they pass by and talking about something or other. Theo has an answer for every comment like he hadn’t just walked out of a situation that made his view of her change altogether. Like he still feels a little raw from how succinctly she’d held his heart in her hands and told him how he could do better. Like he wasn’t still sitting on the look on Vincent’s face when he arrived, the recognition that she could see through Vincent as he could.

Something is changing.

So when they finally get to the front door of her building, he is eager to go and sit alone in his thoughts. Theo mutters a small “Good night” and turns around to leave when her hand encircles around his wrist before he can go any further.

He turns. “What is it?”

“Your brother is the world to you, isn’t he?”

She asks, as if she doesn’t already know the answer. Used to Arthur’s teasing, Theo bristles. “And if he is?”

Her grasp on his wrist loosens; she holds his shaking hand in hers gently. “I just wanted to make sure you know that he’s lucky to have someone as constant as you around,” she says—and then, before Theo can say anything else, she lets go. “Thank you for dinner, see you soon,” she bids goodbye while having already turned away, already going up the stairs.

Theo would have wanted to have something to say, but nothing dares come out of his likely traitorous mouth.

Instead, he looks down at his now-steady hands.

Lets the warm feeling settle in his stomach.

And the fear that comes with it.

Oh, he says, in his mind, as it clicks.

Oh no.

He sighs.

[sesamesaysme]

BOOKS FINISHED IN AUGUST 2019 + word cloud of their subjects

(listed in the order that I finished reading them)

Most of this month’s books were so good that I wouldn’t be surprised if half of them make end up making my Top 10 books that I read within this year. 

BAD FEMINIST by Roxane Gay / July 21, 2019 - August 1, 2019 / audiobook version / Summary - Essays exploring being a feminist while simultaneously loving things that could seem at odds with feminist ideology. / Reaction - Roxane Gay’s writing is SO RELATABLE! She allows that we may have principles we strongly support but we are human. Sometimes we find ourselves grooving to songs while knowing the lyrics are degrading or that are made by artists whose actions we don’t agree with. Sometimes we enjoy shows or movies that we know are mediocre and whose messages are flawed. Sometimes we believe in strong women but we want a man to lean on. These are the kinds of things she discusses in this collection of essays. I also previously read her book Hunger and loved that one too. I need to credit her as the writer who made me start enjoying essay collections. 

ANCILLARY JUSTICE by Ann Leckie / July 29, 2019 -  August 6, 2019 / Summary - A sci-fi book set thousands of years in the future in a time and place where the empire uses AIs to control human bodies as soldiers. First book of a trilogy. / Reaction - The reason I was drawn to reading this book is because I heard that it really makes you think about our use of binary pronouns. There are some characters in this book who do not distinguish between gender. Sometimes the same character will be referred to as she by someone and he by someone else and then she again by another person. Furthermore children are not referred to by gender. It disoriented me and I really appreciate that! Sadly that was the only aspect of the book I really liked. The world and characters felt cold to me. I couldn’t feel anything for any of them and I won’t be reading the rest of the trilogy.

SHOE DOG by Phil Knight / July 23, 2019 - August 6, 2019 / audiobook version approx. 13hrs / Summary - Memoir by Nike co-founder Phil Knight which chronicles the story of the Nike company from even before it was named Nike. / Reaction - I didn’t realize I’d be so interested in a book about how the Nike brand was developed but now I think it’s probably going to end up in my Top 10 books I read this year. How was I supposed to know that Shoe Dog would turn out to be an underdog story? In fact, you can even think of this as following the format of one of those heartwarming sports team movies or anime in which one team member after another is recruited into the fold, each with their own quirks. They meld and develop, then defeat their opponents against all odds. Phil Knight writes that these guys are all losers in some way or other, himself included, and almost none of them are athletic, yet they end up being the perfect team to build one of the top athletic brands in the world. They tackle all sorts of business-y problems with gumption and perseverance and are constantly trying to top their rivals adidas. Of course, since the author is one of the Nike owners, it is all from his POV, so you gotta be careful not to come out of reading it thinking the entire company is right in all of its actions. I’m sure there are criticisms about Nike that are still very valid. But that doesn’t take away from the book being a good read.  

CARRY ON, WARRIOR: THOUGHTS ON LIFE UNARMED by Glennon Doyle Melton / August 7, 2019 - August 10, 2019 / audiobook version approx 8hrs / Summary - Glennon Melton believes that if we stop striving to project a mirage of perfection we can get closer to people and build better lives. / Reaction - From the title alone, I thought this would be a book about gun laws! It wasn’t. It’s a nonfic by a mother who is a recovered substance abuser and now shares her struggles with friends/neighbors/readers to connect with them. I’m not a mother or a wife yet but I could still relate to many of the things she talked about. One part I particularly liked was when she described step by step how to get through your day(s). It felt like much of the advice could help anyone whether they are struggling with addiction, depression, or just having a really bad day. 

THE ARTIST’S WAY by Julia Cameron / August 7, 2019 - August 16, 2019 / Summary - An international bestseller which millions of people have found to be an invaluable guide to living the artist’s life./ Reaction - I would say this is like a textbook or workbook for how to unblock your creativity. A lot of creativity, motivation and productivity gurus these days use morning pages and this is the book from which morning pages originated. I’ve already been doing morning pages for about half a year prior to reading this so I’ve been interested in this book for awhile now. This time I borrowed it using the Libby app so I just read it without doing any of the activities. But I plan to get my own physical copy and go through the program in the book. I have a feeling this’ll turn into like a creativity bible for me that I’ll come back to over and over until it’s dog-eared and in rough condition. 

A GENTLEMAN IN MOSCOW by Amor Towles / August 15, 2019 - August 24, 2019 / audiobook version approx. 18hrs / Summary - Count Alexander Rostov is sentenced to house arrest at the grand hotel Metropol in 1922 Russia. The book then spans several decades of his life there. / Reaction - As I listened to this, it was so easy to picture everything that happened. If you like books that cover a long period of time this is a great one. Rather than trying to tell about every month and every year, the story is formed out of perfectly crafted little vignettes that represent different times in his life and they are all so charming. For example, testing out the sounds that different objects make when they are dropped from the floor above and hit the ground, or subtly helping out a young man on a first date by subtly stepping in to suggest the perfect wine that will neither bankrupt him nor make him look like a cheapskate, sneaking in ingredients to cook the perfect dish behind the back of your enemy, or trying to outsmart a 5 or 6-yr-old in a game of hiding. It’s not a particularly quick read, but it’s so freakin’ charming. And the ending turns unexpectedly thrilling as you find out if our Count makes it out of the hotel or not. 

THE COLLECTOR by John Fowles / August 16, 2019 - August 24, 2019 / Summary - A story of obsession about a young butterfly collector who kidnaps a young art student and traps her in the cellar of a house. /Reaction - I guess this would be categorized as a psychological thriller. The setup is very simple but the character development and interaction digs very deep. Essentially you take two very different people, put them in a small space together and watch the interactions. One is male, the other is female. One knows less culture (as in books, art, music etc.) while the other loves those things passionately. One has no relationship experience while the other does. At times you think, ok, this person’s motives are understandable, and at other times you find their actions incredibly disturbing. Then you start wondering what’s wrong with yourself because of those earlier moments when you found the person kinda relatable. Great read. And you can’t predict at all if the girl will survive. At least I couldn’t. 

BAD BLOOD by John Carreyrou / August 24, 2019 - August 30, 2019 / audiobook version approx 12 hrs  / Summary - Wall Street Journal writer John Carreyrou goes in depth into how it was possible for young entrepreneur Elizabeth Holmes to build a multibillion-dollar biotech startup (Theranos) that deceived countless people even though its supposedly revolutionary blood-analyzing device didn’t even work. / Reaction - Man, it really makes you realize how far money and connections can get you. People were fooled and bullied so easily. Throughout the whole book I was like I can’t believe this happened and I can’t believe that happened and holy crap, they seriously got away with that? The second I finished the book I was online googling what happened to Elizabeth Holmes and apparently she’s happily engaged like nothing even happened. 

WHAT AM I READING IN SEPTEMBER?

- currently halfway done with The Cuckoo’s Calling by Robert Galbraith (but really JK Rowling)

- To the Bright Edge of the World by Eowyn Ivey

- Somewhere Only We Know by Maurene Goo

and the rest will just depend on what becomes available from my holds list on Libby