#but they fail to realize that I am beyond the point of saving

[depresseddepot]

I hate the US grading system !!!

[obey-me-disaster]

Hey, I was wonderin if ya could write a headcanon of how the characters could deal with MCs death, if they weren't revived after Belphie killed em in lesson 16.

Thank ya :purple_heart:

A/N: I am not sure if by 'characters' you mean all of them or not. I will do the brothers for now and if you want anyone else, feel free to ask ^-^

Demon brothers x gn!MC

Spoilers for lesson 16!!

Warnings: death and description of it, grieving

MC stays dead for good

Lucifer

He is feeling so many things and none of them are good. MC is dead, his little brother did it, he failed to protect both and it all can be traced back to him.

MC's injuries are beyond healing and all he can do is watch them die and regret everything he has done up until that point. He regrets every time he tried to harm them, he regrets not hiding Belphegor better, far away from them.

When Diavolo and Barbatos appear he lets himself have some hope that they could save MC, only to get hit with the realization that not only would they stay dead, but Belphegor will be taken away for treason too.

If Barbatos decides to reveal the whole Lilith thing, this whole situation will become unbearable to him. He let down everyone he loved and he only has himself to blame.

If he knew how deep of a wound would MC's death leave in his heart, he would have chosen anyone but them for the exchange program. Or maybe not, it was still a privilege to get to know them in the first place.

After MC's death he becomes even stricter with his rules, so none of his brothers can do anything stupid that could get themselves in trouble. He can't bear to lose anyone close to him, especially if he can do something about it.

Mammon

He was the one that held their dying body. All his attention was on them, he couldn't hear the way Belphegor was mocking him for crying over a human.

Despite feeling how they were dying in his arms he was still trying to cling onto the hope that they could be healed. Unfortunately, fate was having something else in mind.

For a good while after their death he could still feel them dying in arms. He is really conflicted over trying to remember that way MC felt in his arms and trying to forget how it felt when they died.

Despite all of that he tries to be of help to all of his brothers. Lucifer can't be the only one trying to keep the family together, especially when he is grieving too. In a way this whole thing reminds him of how all his brothers were after the fall.

He stops takes a long break from gambling and from money making schemes. He really sees no use for the money if MC is not there with him.

He will most likely beat himself over the fact that he couldn't protect them. He was their first man after all, the demon that was put in charge of protecting them and he failed! He is not getting over that guilt any time soon

Leviathan

He thinks it's all a bad dream. Why else would his best friend be dying? At the hands of his brother?? He tries to deny it but it's pretty hard to do so when MC is literally dying in front of him.

He wants to believe that this is one of those moments when the protagonist of an anime is on the brink of death, but through the power of plot armor they get a new power. The only thing MC gets is a one way ticket to the Celestial Realm. guess Simeon and Luke will see them after all

He refuses to come out of his room and face reality. He will rewatch every anime he has watched with them. Will try to recreate the conversations he had with MC by talking with Henry 2.0. His brothers will have to bring food into his room to be sure he doesn't die of starvation.

It takes a long while before he starts going out again, after all, who is The Lord of Shadows without his Henry.

Any and all progress he made on seeing himself in a better light will go down the drain. He will need some time to snap out of it and realize that MC would not want to see him hate himself.

Satan

He knew there was no hope of saving MC bu just glancing at them. That was probably the only time in his life where he cursed all his knowledge and wished he was ignorant. Maybe that he way he could still have some hope that MC will live.

He goes between complete fits of rage and feeling numb. MC taught him how to better feel emotions other than anger and now that they are gone he doesn't know what to do with himself.

He doesn't know who should he direct his anger to. Belphegor for killing them? It seems obvious but it's not enough. Lucifer for creating this situation to begin with? He would love to, but Lucifer is also at his lowest so it doesn't feel right. Himself for not seeing the signs of MC working behind all of their backs? He already does that.

He avoids any and all romance books. He keeps seeing MC in the main love interest and he hates it.

He keeps thinking of all of their injuries and in how much pain they must have been in their last moments. If he wanted to, he could name all of their injuries that he recognized just by looking at their body.

He knows that logically he couldn't do anything, but sometimes the thought of 'if I was better at human medicine/biology I could have saved them'.

Asmodeus

It makes his skin crawl just thinking of the way MC looked as they were taking their last breath. He still has it in the back of his mind. Along that, he also has the feeling of helplessness memorized.

If anyone would think he would stop taking care of himself after MC's death, they would be deathly wrong. MC was one of the only people that didn't like just for his looks, and probably the only one vocal about how they loved his personality. Now with them gone, he thinks there is no one he can show flaws with.

He has to be at his best. To not let anyone know about his imperfections. The demons that don't know him may think he got over MC's death pretty fast, but his brothers that live with him can hear him sob in his bedroom.

He sleeps with a lot of demons and humans in hopes of getting rid of the pain but it doesn't help since he is missing the affectionate, non sexual, touches that MC would give him.

He made a special album of all the photos he ever took of MC. He didn't want to risk the photos from his phones disappearing by accident and lose something important for him. He would hate to not be able to gaze at their face, even if it's just through photos

Beelzebub

This man is crushed. Not only did he lose MC, he lost them at the hands of his twin. He is beyond torn on the inside, and no matter what side he chooses to take he will be riddled with guilt.

At that moment he felt just like during their fall. A huge joke of a protector that couldn't keep his loved ones alive. His nightmares after the whole incident will be nearly a daily basis.

He tries to talk with Belphie about the whole incident, he doesn't want to lose two people at the same time, but he also feels like he is betraying MC's memory by trying to save his twin.

If the whole reveal of MC being Lilith's reincarnation's descendent happens that will literally end him. He couldn't protect the last thing that was related to Lilith.

Just like Satan, his sin is out of control. He goes between long periods of not eating and periods where his gluttony is worse than ever.

The only thing worse than his gluttony is his survivor's guilt. People he loves and cares about keeping on dying/being taken away yet he remains unharmed and for what? Is that a cruel joke of the universe? He didn't even get to protect MC/talk with Belphie during the incident. He literally couldn't do anything but ask himself 'why?'

Belphegor

I already made a post on how MC and Belphegor got to bond before lesson 16.

At first he feels justified. He got his revenge, proved his point and protected his family from having the same faith as Lilith. Yet despite all of that it feels wrong.

Satisfaction from killing them quickly turned into anger at seeing his brothers cry over a 'random human' to regret. He realized that he himself got attached to them, and now that both his anger and MC were gone he was left with nothing. His brothers must hate him now, after all he murdered someone precious to them.

Due to treason he is locked up somewhere away from his brothers so in his mind, he really lost everything. If Diavolo and Barbatos reveal the whole Lilith thing he will literally want to end himself on the spot. He lost his sister, MC, the only remainder of his sister, lived in hate for something that was not even true, betrayed his brothers and lost them. In one night his life took a turn for the worst in a way he could not even imagine.

And on top of all of that, he can feel the way Beel is trying to cope with the loss of MC and feels even more guilty for making Beel go through that.

He also can't make himself grieve for MC cause in his mind, he has no right to do that, after all he killed them in cold blood and laughed over their body.

[my-writings-and-musings]

i was wondering if i could request a thing with earthspark megatron and a human reader pls!👉👈

Megatrons partner gives him some kisses early in the day, and he goes about the rest of his day as usual...until he realizes later on that his partner wears lipgloss, and he was walking around with sparkly smooch marks on his face all day

Ahhhh that's absolutely adorable, I shall do my best!

Megatron couldn't keep himself from chuckling as you took full advantage of your proximity to his face, peppering his brow with all the kisses you wouldn't be able to give while the two of you were apart. Holding you close in his cupped palms, he hesitated to check his internal chronometer for the time, knowing he was probably already late to the first of his assigned duties. There would be unpleasant quips from his human superiors if he was, but could anyone blame him for preferring your company to GHOST's?

When he finally did check the time and confirmed his tardiness, he cleared his vents to interrupt the gentle kisses you were still peppering across his cheeks. "I have to meet the others now, love." he said sadly, standing from his berth and stepping from his darkened room into the equally dim hallway. You nodded in equally glum understanding, but perked up when he leaned in so you could nuzzle his helm and offer a final kiss whilst he made a promise.

"I will message you as soon as I am free." he said as he dropped to one knee and helped you to the floor.

"Don't be long." you said playfully as you headed off, loving that he watched you every step of the way until you were beyond his sight.

---

Megatron made it a point to attend to his duties swiftly and quite mechanically, not wanting to waste a moment that could have been better spent at your side, but on this particular day he was encountering a number of unexpected hindrances.

Every human he needed to interact with, and he meant every last one, was acting even more unusually than he was accustomed to. He was used to them cowering whenever he turned their way, but he was not prepared for the looks of utter bewilderment he kept encountering as the day wore on. Some would stop to stare, others did double takes, those he needed to speak with directly tended to go speechless... It was as infuriating as it was utterly baffling.

By the time he arrived for his last assignment, a simple unloading of supplies, he was in a sour mood. The only saving grace was that he would be seeing you soon, and that Optimus was providing assistance. Yet even his companion was not immune to the strange behavior infecting the human personnel. As soon as they saw one another his old friend had been unable to hide the expression of surprise that had flashed across his face, yet he hadn't said a word or offered any clue as to what might be amiss. Megatron had still been more than able to spot the smirk on his face when Optimus thought he wasn't looking.

He'd have snapped and demanded an explanation eventually, but thankfully his friend spoke up first, clearing his vents during a brief window where the humans left them alone.

"Megatron?" he said politely, his tone reserved but carrying an undercurrent of what he almost dared to call amusement.

"Optimus." he clipped, depositing another stack of polished metal on the pile. Not bothering to hide his frustration, he crossed his arms as he turned to face his companion, making it as clear as possible that he was aware something was off. "Is something on your mind?"

Optimus failed to hide a flash of a smile, his optics twinkling with restrained delight before he spoke plainly. "No."

"Then why are you acting like this? Primus, why is everyone acting like this? Is there something I don't know?" he snapped, throwing up his arms as the confusion overflowed into frustration. Optimus was hardly alarmed by the outburst, and only shook his helm with a light chuckle.

"Did you have a chance to meet with Y/N this morning?" he asked as he allowed himself to smile, catching Megatron so off guard that his frustration utterly evaporated.

"...Why do you ask?" he countered with a narrowing of his optics, trying to imagine what sort of game he'd fallen into. Was this all an elaborate prank? The absolute delight on his friends face suggested as much, but he couldn't even begin to fathom what the goal of such an excercise might be.

"I would suggest you check your reflection." Optimus advised, providing no answers as he turned to grab the next batch of supplies.

Megatron was left frozen for a moment of continued confusion before he decided to comply, turning to the nearby pile of reflective metal that he'd just been stacking. Feeling a tad bit self conscious, he looked about before gazing deeply into his reflection. The issue became obvious quite immediately.

At least half a dozen glittery kiss marks peppered his helm and face, shimmering in the light before his hand shot up to wipe them away with middling success. His first realization was that the dim light of his bedroom must have hidden the shimmer of your lip gloss, and his second was that every single being he'd encountered had surely noticed... Suddenly the wide eyes and shocked silence made a great deal more sense.

He was near to paralyzed by mortification when the sound of Optimus Prime laughing tore him right out of the fog.

"Why remove it, Megatron?" his old friend said through barely restrained laughter, vents hitching as he struggled to keep his composure. "I'd say it's a good look for you!"

The Prime merely dodged the steel beam that was chucked his way with another laugh whilst Megatron silently committed to revenge that would have made the Great War look peaceful by comparison.

[romchat]

Story of Kunning Palace Ep. 20: To be free like the birds

What I love about good prison scenes is that they often reveal which of our characters are truly free.

For Yan Lin, Jiang Xuening, and Xie Wei, Episode 20 poses the following question: to what extent are we prisoners of the fate we've created for ourselves?

Yan Lin

Ironically, Yan Lin is an actual prisoner but he’s probably the freest of all our characters. He's finally free from his unrequited love of Xuening, free from the politicking of the palace, and, as @tomorrowsdrama beautifully observes, free from the burden of revenge. However he meets Xie Wei next, it won't be as the ruthless man from the story's original timeline who was hellbent on destroying those who had betrayed him.

Despite Xuening's worries, Yan Lin's exile grants him the opportunity to grow into the impressive man he always had the potential to be. @dangermousie used the word irrepressible to describe him and it's such a perfect word that encapsulates Yan Lin's boundless love and spirit. As Yan Lin and his father are taken away to Huangzhou because of their crimes, he shouts to Xie Wei the poem that inspired his courtesy name:

There will come a day when the roc finally goes up against the wind, flying up to the highest sky. I, Yan Hui, will return safely."

He will return as a great general, one who upholds peace in the world.

Jiang Xuening

I think it's a lovely touch how both Yan Lin and Xuening are symbolically represented by birds flying through the sky. Episode 1 kicked off with a bird of prey soaring above Xuening's poor childhood home and descending upon the palace. Young Xuening had always dreamed of escaping her difficult life but found herself in a different type of prison once she entered the palace. Empress Xuening narrates:

"If I knew this would happen, I would not have wasted my life chasing after fame and power. I should have traveled far and wide, to see the vast land and waters, to be free like the birds."

So when Xuening fails to escape the prison after visiting Yan Lin and she encounters an undercover Zhang Zhe, she's also granted a rare freedom: to figure out what she truly wants from life.

In previous episodes, Xuening mused about what it would be like to forsake palace life and be with Zhang Zhe, but at this point, her feelings for him are largely based on their interactions during the original timeline, not the current one. When she suddenly finds herself joining him to infiltrate the rebels, it is both a chance to explore the world beyond the constraints of the palace while also getting closer to him.

As viewers, many of us have been wondering when Xuening will realize her feelings for Xie Wei and abandon her pursuit of Zhang Zhe. And I think that shift will happen soon. Look at how dark, almost sinister, it looked when the doors of the prison were opened and they began their journey to the rebel hideout. Together, Xuening and Zhang Zhe are embarking on a dangerous adventure that will most likely illuminate just how ill-matched they are.

Xie Wei

Up until this point, everything has gone according to plan for Xie Wei. Like he fine-tunes his qin, he has fine-tuned his revenge plot against the Xue Family to perfection. Ruthless and methodical, he is the puppet master of everyone's fate.

But what I've found so tragic about Xie Wei's character is that even with all the power he has amassed, he still lives within the confines of a prison he has created for himself. Like he had sacrificed himself to save the Crown Prince and those 300 other children when he was a boy, he is now sacrificing his goodness and true sense of self to execute his revenge. "I am not a good person", he warns Xuening over and over again--and he isn't, not really (despite some evidence to the contrary).

Which makes his willingness to reconsider his plans to save Xuening even more incredible. Look at the simmering panic on his face. He warned her never to tell others who she has in her heart, and yet here he is, allowing his carefully crafted plans--the one thing that defines him-- to unravel as he makes plans to leave the palace to go after her.

[fancifulplaguerat]

Need to rant about the Marble Nest because I just. I cannot get over it. It is everything to me. Every time I hear “Birdies... birdies... Gather ye here...” I want to eat door hinges and run up the walls and put myself in a blender

There’s something utterly tragic to me about the image of Daniil lying in bed delirious and feverish and dying while these children who care about this weird Capital doctor so much are trying to break his fevers like he taught them to, and it fucks me up even more considering when Spichka asks Daniil who looks after him when he’s sick Daniil just. Doesn’t answer him. And the narrator’s line (I love that they got Martin Cooke he absolutely ate and imo elevates the entire game) “a warm, dry hand seemed to have touched your forehead soothingly. It’s going to be all right” OH MY GOD I just. I can only wretch and sob about the fact that Daniil is being taken care of and at least for a moment he feels like it’s all going to be okay, exactly as he’s been saying throughout the beginning. Also when the narrator says “Somewhere, bells are chiming, softly. Bells are chiming around the marble nest. The bells, are chiming, softly.” Not only does Cooke’s delivery make me feral beyond words (particularly that last one where he whispers ‘softly’) but I mean. surely this is referring to Daniil hearing his own goddamn funeral bells which just SCREAMING CRYING BITING SCRATCHING COMMITTING UNSPEAKABLE ACTS. 

Plus when Spichka warns Daniil against giving Shrew nuts because, as we learn, Shrew wants to let Daniil die. I unfortunately can’t find the exact quote but I believe Spichka says smth about how Shrew doesn’t think it’s right for Daniil to suffer as he is (there is blood in my mouth !!!!!). She clearly just wants Daniil to rest and not be in pain anymore; she thinks she can create a Focus so she can still talk to him. I’m also Highly Emotional about Spichka because he’s so adamant about Daniil continuing to live, even if it’s just in his fever dream, this poor kid just wants Daniil to keep going. These kids have known Daniil Bitchelor for all of ten days and they care about him so much !!! 

I’m also hung up on everyone telling Daniil that he doesn’t know how to die properly, especially when Aspity likens him to a child covering his eyes because he doesn’t want to see the truth, which gets me too because it makes me think about how defeated and afraid Daniil probably is when he realizes what’s going on. I think it’s even more tragic in the sense that Daniil is dying having failed to meet Simon and save Thanatica, failed to prove death can be conquered, and couldn’t even protect the Town from the plague, either, and I can’t imagine Daniil would handle any of that well. I feel like he’d think everything—plague and all—was his fault, especially with the context of the Executor/Death saying, “Who was the murderer: a sickness that let no second go to waste—or you, who bothered not to hurry? I think it’s the latter.” 

Also when Daniil does agree to die properly and the Executor tells Daniil “Give me your hand,” and Daniil can say “Here it is”,,,,,, Yes I am being dramatic but actually it makes me insane to imagine Daniil finally taking Death’s hand after fighting it for so many years. Even though I love this horrible little man with all my heart, I disagree with his whole “no more death” thing. I’m not going to like. Expound on my philosophy about death here aafnkgk but suffice it to say I like the idea of Daniil accepting that death is not something that can be defeated; though, I don’t think his idealism is useless or a negative trait, only that it has to be tempered with some realism. 

So here is as good a point as any to scream about endings. 

It's a cycle. A pause. Things will change. And the day starts anew.

That. Tjat second sentence is lodged in my cortex and it is not coming out I ougghh I love stories that repeat so much. And I’ve played the Marble Nest just. Too many times (and I’ll do it again) and I might be imagining it, because I’ve never seen anyone else talk about it, but every time I’ve gotten a different ending the game is a little different when I play it again. I find that extremely immersive if I’m not just gaslighting myself, because it puts the player in the same situation as Daniil, with things changing subtly; you get to accompany Daniil on his Fun Fever Delirium Death Adventure. On the one hand I think it’s a little painful that Daniil is going to just live in this delirium forever, but on the other one, I like how Daniil’s decision to repeat the day encapsulates continuing to fight for life, even if it seems hopeless or in vain.  It feels very “Do not go gentle into that good night / Rage, rage against the dying of the light"

And finally The transition is real, and the timeline continues. So does the entity I call myself.

I don’t want to get into meta too much, but. I kind of like this line knowing people have written/drawn/etc. endings to this nightmare where Artemy saves him with panacea (Magpie Crown’s “Conjunction of Spheres” animatic !!). All these different endings people have given Daniil’s story in general. This is silly but I like to think of it as yeah, The Powers That Be played a cruel game with you, but other people are kinder to you (or make you suffer more, depends on their persuasion). Your story keeps going, depending on who picks up the thread, you’re going to keep going. 

Anyway everyone go watch CodexEntry’s video on the Marble Nest <3 

[super-hero-confessions]

The fact that there are people not willing to understand the political commentary being made with The Boys is not only mind boggling, it irks and disturbs me. I am begging people to please try to understand and stop being so childish about what they don't or maybe even look at the world around them to see why what's being presented might be more relevant than they realize.

1. The show and comic are satire. They make political commentary in often the most crude way it can be presented whether you like it not. It's fine if you don't like satire or political commentary but don't sit there and complain about it when you knew what you were getting into before it got this far. Nothing about that has changed. If you are someone who unironically takes satire seriously at face value rather than trying to listen to the message? I can't help you, sorry.

2. If I see one more complaint about Homelander not being killed in Season 3, I'm going to lose my mind. There were thousands of people in Vought tower. Thousands. Including Ryan, Becca's son. If you're someone who thinks all of those people should be sacrificed so the "goal" of killing Homelander can be accomplished? Congratulations, you think exactly like a war criminal. Fuck the "fuck Ryan" crowd.

3. Homelander's not just played by the best actor or is the biggest draw of the show, killing him off is so shortsighted. Not just because losing him would ruin the show. There will always be more "Homelander"s as long as the root causes creating them are allowed to fester and continue to exist. If you think killing Homelander will solve all of their problems and everything will be 🌈✨🌅☀️🦄🦋🌈💖🧈🪰🌈 if or when they do this, you are missing the point of this entire series. They are literally using Ryan to exemplify this.

4. The fandom misogyny against Starlight is so transparent. She's not without faults, but she is the least "traditionally masculine" woman on this show and I think that says enough. Her goal is to neutralize and damage the credibility of Homelander without pushing him directly over the edge because she doesn't want millions of people to die at the expense of "scorched earf" like William Butcher. She's quick thinking and does what she needs to in order to survive in a moment and try to protect people, but in case people forgot? She's following Hughie. Hughie is the one who gave that speech about saving everyone, even if they don't deserve it, especially if they don't deserve it. He is the guy asking why violence is their solution for everything and he has always been that guy. Why are people blaming Annie for Hughie doing what he does best and being an actual good guy that promotes goodness in the people around him? If you're going to be mad, at least be consistent. If you don't like moral lessons or questions being presented to you through media, I don't think the superhero genre is for you.

5. William Butcher is not the hero of this story. He never was and never will be. He does not have good intentions, and he never has had them. This isn't even a case of "the road to hell" or misguided pursuit. He knows what he does is wrong and does it anyway and makes this very clear on multiple occasions. This has always been the case. The guy literally "fridges" his own wife and people are actually surprised he would cheat on her? He is on an adjacent boat to Homelander as far as severely mentally ill men in dire need of help go, the main difference being that Homelander has little to no understanding of how his actions are "wrong". Butcher may actually be worse off than Homelander as when you look at their issues, at least in some ways, he's more like an evolved state of Homelander or the "next stage" of depravity. That is why he's been building Homelander up to his level so they can fight. To say either of these men are beyond saving is deeply hypocritical and commits the exact same moral failing that William Butcher is practicing. Hughie is the real hero, die mad about it.

6. This show is reflecting the current political climate and pointing out the faults of both "sides". You can't dehumanize another without first dehumanizing yourself. If you know anything about America or even the world, you'd know that some people are being forced to live in these sorts of environments. We literally have a real threat looming over us. White nationalists want to take over the country and implement a conservative hellhole dictatorship. They have a whole balls to the wall plan for this! I want to throttle half of this fandom for being so stuck in their own privilege that they won't take a second or two to think about the people who can't afford to not live through this.

I live in constant fear of what could happen to me and my family. I don't get the option to tune it out or pretend it doesn't exist. I live in a red state. I don't have the money to move. I'm pretty much everything the modern Nazi despises.

And yet, there are people in this fandom complaining about political commentary that is directly reflecting our current society, parodying and satirizing it to try and put forth an extremely important message before it's too late.?

I need people to understand this. Not want, need. My life is literally dependent on whether or not people will understand these things before it's too late because of where this country is headed. I wish I could say it wasn't that big of a deal but I can't. I can't because I don't get the privilege of living in the part of the world where it wouldn't be. Please, I am begging, begging people to take a moment to please look in a mirror, self reflect, and consider "why". Consider whether or not you might be part of the problem because we all have our bad takes, bad days, lapses in judgement. No one is perfect and that's okay. We live and we learn. Lighten up on the faults of others, lighten up on your own faults.

I really like learning so I really would love the opportunity to keep living so I can do that, but I'm scared out of my mind. I'm terrified and it's not just for me. Please, please, I need people to understand.

7. The Trump stuff is funny. It is! Donald Trump is funny if you don't think about the inherent dread of him having political power. I would love to be able to laugh and cringe at him flailing and failing and being ridiculous without that looming threat of the damage he could do on the world. I would love more specials from John Oliver with the breath of relief that Trump won't ever be given political power again. That's where the Homelander Trump metaphor comes in. That's what Homelander is supposed to give us, a way to rehumanize Trump but also reiterate why he should not be given political power. If you're bothered by it then again, this is satire. Satire is not made to be taken so seriously in that way and you will be much happier when you stop doing that.

Please. Please. Please, please, please, please, please. Please vote. If Trump gets elected again, I may actually die and it may not even be from conservative witch hunting.

I fell severely ill back in 2016 when Trump was elected. I broke out in hives the day he was inaugurated. The entire time he was elected, my health continued on a steady decline and I am still trying to recover. I'm not joking. I know how it sounds but I am not kidding at all. I don't know if it was an allergy or what but I have no idea how my body will react if he is elected again but whatever it is, I don't want it to happen.

I just want to be able to enjoy my favorite shows and or comics and live my life. I want other people to be able to do this too, but that can't happen if we keep rejecting every prompt we're given to self reflect.

You're human. So is everyone else around you. Please don't ever forget that.

[blysse-and-blunder]

in lieu of a quiet sunday night

sunday, 11pm, September 22, 2024 ~ cider close to hand, both alcoholic and non; hozier playing in the background; evidently it's the first day of fall

reading since i skipped doing one of these last week, both of my reading picks tonight are actually from a little while ago. both were so, so compelling, but for different reasons. one an award-winning piece of twentieth-century canadian literature set in 1970s india, the other a scandalous semi-autobiographical account of drinking, dating, and divorce in roaring twenties new york.

i think that drew me into both of these first was their dialogue-- both authors are so good at writing distinctly unique, distinctly not-what-i-usually-hear character dialogue, without it sounding at all affected. i got the feeling that both authors were working from life, describing societies they knew inside and out, and had observed intimately. so much detail about the, like, material and sensory details of these two different settings-- what everyone wore out to dinner in the twenties, and what they were eating and drinking; what shopping for a chicken or going to the doctor was like in mid-seventies bombay, what school was like, how people were discussing the government... beyond that, these two feel so dissimilar that comparing them is going to do a disservice to both. though i guess both have, at different points in their histories, been the subject of some scandal. listening shout out to my 'for you' playlist last week, which was one hit after another-- but opened with this, and introduced me to rachel chinouriri! whose sound i really like. that first slow build up to the guitar bursting in? got my attention immediately. the lyrics to this one are, admittedly, wild to be singing while trying to write job apps, but it's melancholy in enough of an upbeat way that it almost feels calming?

No point in trying to prove yourself to them Why question who you are from deep within? No matter what, your youth is gonna end My god it’s sinking in There’s no point in anything

the whole album goes down so smooth, and is rewarding repeat listens. i love her voice. i love how late i am to discovering her, since she's opening for sabrina carpenter now apparently.

watching no shogun time this week, but the gang and i sat down to experience the first episode of a new series, which i cannot stop thinking about. imagine like. australian broadchurch, but only one of the main characters and all the victims are actually in a bleak crime drama, and every other character is doing like parks & rec. also it's extremely gay. and rude. and funny. favorite characters are dulcie, and sven the guy who keeps asking who he can delegate stuff to. also dulcie's wife, who i'm so worried about the world crushing somehow, she seems too optimistic to survive undamaged!

playing did i mention finishing act ii of pentiment? now that @blue--period is playing it, i realized i wanted to get further and be able to discuss. i was devastated by the end of act i, but the end of act ii feels... bleak in a way i wasn't expecting, at all. i'm already planning a second play-through using my other save file, since i failed a bunch of checks in act ii (a few i think based on the background i had chosen, aggravating since it was helpful in other ways) and no spoilers, but in other ways, i failed by succeeding. saving act iii for now, since i have a busy next couple of weeks. much love to caspar, my best boy.

making fallow week. check back soon for experiments with medieval ink making, though!! i have sourced ingredients, and parchment scraps, from kind friends and colleagues who won't ask me to pay for them, and will shortly be (i hope) benefiting from someone else's paper-making budget. stay tuned.

working on prepping for my students' quiz on thursday, and the following assignment due in early oct, by brainstorming what i want to ask them to do and then not actually writing the rubric or instructions. alternating with staring at the descriptions of various job openings and trying to pick up lots of detail about the hiring departments. wrote up a 2-page dissertation summary, which sucked. feeling more chill about the process than i thought, which is also because it doesn't feel like it's happening to me, exactly. writing sample and finalized cover letter this week?

[verdemoun]

In honor of our recent conversations

How's the gang with modern drugs and such? I'll count alcohol into that category. Now that it doesn't Have to be a part of life, it can just be a fun little addition. Who's the first to discover the new options? Fruity drinks and clubs that sell overpriced but spectacular drinks they've never thought possible?

(whos the first to make pot brownies /j)

Does anyone ban alcohol from their household, haunted by memories? Does anyone fall into addiction and is saved by the gang?

tw recreational drug use

Arthur walked into a bar, asked for whatever, and then chuckled with glee upon being served a fruity-ass cocktail he proceeded to scull before realizing it was 2.5 standard drinks. Feeling the immediate sensation of 'I drank that way too fast and am feeling it', he ordered another and marvelled how dangerous it was they could make alcohol taste not only good but delicious. He remembers little else of the night beyond that point, but was assured he ordered three more and then made an ass of himself as usual.

Bill Williamson is the one who actually is a bit of a beer connoisseur. Learning to appreciate and savour different types of beer is, in his opinion, what stopped him from spiraling further into alcoholism. Craft and local beer enthusiast who will actually know about hops and the harvesting of hops. He is very partial to a fruit-infused sour beer. (mango sour my beloved)

Arthur and Charles ban alcohol from the house. Not officially but they try not keep whiskey/spirits in the house because the two of them will finish a bottle in a night and not remember a thing in the morning. They are binge drinkers and they are aware of it.

Karen has a long unending love affair with SSRIs. She needs them to function. She cannot handle life without a drug reminding her brain everything will be okay. On the bright side it reduces her drinking.

Strauss deserves some love he's actually very passionate about spirits, syrups and liqueurs and can recreate virtually any cocktail in his house. Sometimes a man gets home from work and needs to recreate a drink he paid way too much for at a kitschy little bar but make it a triple.

Kieran and Javier attempted to make pot brownies and accidentally hotboxed the house. Bessie got home to the unmistakable smell of weed, Hosea snoring his guts out after being practically glued to the couch, and Javier and Kieran still in the kitchen just eating the brownie mix they didn't bother cooking. They also failed to open the windows so within 10 minutes of trying to help her poor boys + husband she was also very high and ordered pizza. Annabelle had to come babysit them all.

Davey convinced Mac to do poppers one night when they were out at a bar. Mac proceeded to have a panic attack while coming down and sent a frantic 'in case i die i think i love you' to Bill. Bill, who was several hours away, also panicked and asked Hosea to go find them. Mac got kicked out of the bar and was so emotional he actually hugged Hosea meanwhile Davey was calling him a pansy.

While not a timewarper Mary-Beth ended up having a bit of a laudanum habit after being prescribed it to help her sleep. In 1911 after hearing what happened to Bill, Javier, Dutch and then John, she found herself both heartbroken for the gang but also suffering with anxiety and paranoia that she would be outed as a former VDL and hunted down the same. She ended up very much addicted and reuniting with Reverend, both as an old friend who was also very saddened by the end of the gang but also helped her sort her shit out. Some say you can still find laudanum bottles hidden around Shady Belle.

[somepsychopomp]

So I kinda have problems with how Fionna is written…

I saw a post somewhere online that said that Fionna’s not even really the protag of her own show and that Simon is more prominent than she is and high key that person was right (and I’m both ok and not ok w/ this)

Fionna starts off as a super relatable and compelling character who also teaches us that her world is (suspiciously) not magical. She’s a great jumping off point and her episode being the first is a perfect fit narratively.

But the fact that she had her previous heroic abilities stripped away is both narratively compelling and the greatest flaw to her rn. Which sounds a little obvious but like… at first I assumed we’d see a hopeful and ultimately very determined fionna try and fail to be a hero when her back’s against the wall (like in the Farmworld ep). But with each episode she’d gradually learn to be a hero, albeit and amateurish and still struggling one. And she’d end the series by saving the day, maybe not as the Fionna from the original AT episodes we saw, but as someone who grew from episode one of F&C

It sounds simple enough but that really really hasn’t been happening and it’s kinda worrying me now

In Destiny, we see Fionna lose fights against characters and even sees the farmworld version of herself kick ass (doing what she couldn’t do herself) before being defeated by Scarab. The episode ends with her screaming at Simon to hit the button. Which I get- she’s been humbled multiple times this episode and just saw a much more capable version of herself go down and possibly die. She must’ve been terrified.

Then everything in the Winter King happens and that becomes a focal point for Fionna’s doubts and sadness in the following episodes. Which makes me wonder… why was she not cut up about being unable to do more for Farmworld Finn and his (maybe now orphaned) family?

This is a group problem I had with Simon and Cake too, as a whole they’re collectively hopping into universe after universe and are completely unconcerned with the fate of every abandoned inhabitant they leave behind (cough baby Finn cough).

So I was a little weirded out when Fionna and Simon wanted to just bail and leave apocalypse!bubblegum to probably die at the hands of a horde of vampires. Like I get it, this isn’t their world and they never should’ve been there to begin with, so that Bubblegum’s fate really isn’t their responsibility.

But Fionna is a mirror to Finn, and our Finn never would’ve abandoned his Farmworld counterpart when he was in trouble. He never would’ve abandoned Butchblegum. Even if he was outmanned and outpowered he never would’ve gone down without putting up a fight first.

Finn has always wanted to help everyone he could. Fionna throughout her own show is really only ever concerned with getting back to her world and making it magic again so she doesn’t have to think about getting a job or paying rent. (That is, until the end of Jerry.)

What I was expecting from episode 1 and onward was that Fionna would have had the same compassion and heart that Finn has- but that her struggle would be from the fact that due to circumstances beyond her control, she’s not experienced enough to help at all. That she’d stop seeing the people around her in each universe as akin to video game or anime characters and realize they’re as real as she is. And that the survivor’s guilt/guilt in general from being unable to help them would be devastating for her.

Maybe this is on me tho and I was just expecting soemthing completely different out of this show

(Again tho Jerry kinda shakes things up. But it’s 4 am for me and I can’t think critically anymore)

But Fionna couldn’t defend herself or her friends from the Destiny gang, got Martin killed, but really only feels bad about the events from episode 6 for killing all those candy people. Simon and Cake are also only concerned with their own goals tho- I’m not pinning this all on Fionna or the way she alone is written. But it’s more glaringly obvious when it comes to her

I guess what I’m saying is that Fionna is a complete and total girl failure, which humbles her and keeps her relatable, but in 8 out of 10 episodes she hasn’t been able to change this fact at all. It leaves me a little worried that the finale of F&C will either magically (or conveniently) give her the ability to be a hero… or just kinda flounder bc they’ve so well established that one of their titular characters is effectively useless in almost all circumstances. To the point that in the Star, Butchblegum straight up said she didn’t care about Fionna and only wanted Cake’s help.

((Even Simon who was woefully out of his depth adventuring with Finn reconfigured the remote, insisted he wanted to help the Candy Queen, instantly started making stakes for vampires in ep 7, also offered to help repair Bubblegum’s tank, and rightfully recognized that the huge decrepit man with horns and exposed bones and empty eye sockets sitting on a pile of skulls in a creepy dark cave was a horrifying dangerous figure and not just a guy named Jerry.))

In all honesty I just have absolutely zero idea where they can take Fionna at this point but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the F&C crew know what they’re doing

[alexanderlightweight]

hello, I'm not sure if it will interest you but...what about something around Maryse making a deal with a demon for her first born? Or something along those vibes

Hey anon, interesting prompt! I kind of did an au of a different idea I’m working on that I think fits.

Tw: Maryse is still in the Circle at this point, canon-typical lack of infant care and violence.

—

Maryse is heavily pregnant, close to full term and she should be resting but the codes Valentine has her working on are endless.

It isn’t until she’s blinking awake, wondering when she fell asleep that she realizes something is wrong.

“What, what happened?” Maryse barely manages to get out and it’s Lucian who is with her. He’s holding her hand; a raw wound on his cheek as she wakes up.

“Maryse, if you need me to, I’ll fix everything. I’ll figure this out. Tell me, did you say yes, did you tell Valentine he could use your baby?”

And rage. Pure hot rage, more than she’s ever felt for a downworlder, consumes her.

“This is my child.” She snarls, because until the babe in her belly is born, it belongs only to her. When it’s born, its soul will be delivered from the cradle of Raziel but for now, her baby is hers and hers alone.

Not even Robert can lay claim until he’s born.

“Okay, okay.” Lucian looks wrecked, more open and vulnerable than Maryse has seen since they were even younger than now. “He’s trying to sacrifice your son to Lilith, an offering of a child for her power.”

And Maryse whites out with how much fury takes her.

She comes back to Lucian shaking her and she swallows, wishing for something to drink, but there’s no time for physical comfort.

She needs to get her child safe which means she needs information.

She wants to demand it’s impossible but the motherly instincts she’s constantly pushed aside don’t let her.

“I am his mother.” She manages to rasp out. “I’ve already done the ritual for him to be blessed by the divinity of the Trueblood line.”

Lucian gives her a sad, small smile. “He can be blessed by two parents, by two mothers even. And Valentine doesn’t care, Maryse, about anything beyond himself. All of this is for power, you know that.”

And Maryse does know that, but everything Valentines always said has made so much sense and he appreciates her talents, in a way the Clave doesn't, thinking she’s still too young.

“What do I do?”

Because Lucian has to have a plan.

“There’s a risk. But the ritual was already started. You can change it. Make the deal yourself with a demon of your own choice and tie the child to a different, greater demon.”

“No! I will not let my child be corrupted by a demon!” Maryse is seething and she wishes she had something to throw, to break.

But she can’t barely lift herself up and has to settle for glaring at Lucian.

“You’d rather they die?”

Maryse almost bites out a yes but there is a soft flutter. The strong kick of a baby who has always been gentle, as if worried to hurt its mother.

How can she hurt her child, who has given her so little pain and so much joy.

“How will this save him?” She asks bitterly, “he’ll still be claimed by a demon in the end. What does it matter if I kill it now? To save its soul from ever being born into such torment. ”

“Because if you’re willing, there is a loophole. You can tie his soul to a descendent instead. You pick the bloodline, and ritual will guide fate into creating a soul bond with whoever he’s comparable with.”

Lucian licks his lips, “you wouldn’t personally get anything out of it. Not like Valentine is hoping to.

“And Valentine, will he notice?”

Lucian shakes his head, “he’ll simply think it’s another failed ritual. A disappointment, and go on to the next.” Lucian hesitates, “he’s already started a new experiment on Jocelyn.”

Maryse realizes in that instance that she and her child, that any of those under Valentine will never be protected.

They will never be safe.

“I’m going to return to the Clave.” Maryse says with finality. “I’m going to take every single piece of evidence I have and I’m going to make a deal. Will you come with me?”

Lucian hesitates, a strange look coming over his face, part-wistful, part-devastated.

“Jocelyn won’t come. Will Robert?”

Maryse gives a dark little scoff and shrugs.

“Who cares. If he follows me, then I will know he was a worthy partner. If any part of him wants to be a good father or spouse, he’ll follow. If he doesn’t, I will disown him from the Lightwood line and sever our union..”

Lucian seems shocked by her pragmatism, but Maryse has always been cold-blooded.

Pregnancy and motherhood have sharpened not dulled her.

“Then we’ll do the ritual. Now, quickly. Before Valentine returns. I’ll gather my stuff and yours while he’s here. He won’t allow me to stay.”

Maryse shudders at being alone and unconscious and at Valentine's mercy, as she apparently and unknowingly has been many times.

“Asmodeus’ line.” Maryse finally decides, “his hate of Lilith is legendary and his surviving children are few in number, if any still exist. There’s a better possibility that none will be compatible with my child, even with the ritual.”

Lucian shakes his head and gives her a small smile.

“Only you would already be planning your advantages.”

Maryse shrugs again and licks her dry lips, her voice will be gone soon.

—she wonders if it hurts so much because her body has been screaming without her knowledge—

“Tactics and strategy are the only things that will protect my child, Lucian. It’s been made clear that even I am not enough to keep him safe.”

So Lucian gathers the tools and Maryse steals her spine and commits the greatest blasphemy she ever has.

She commits, pledges —the child that Raziel gives to her— to be the soul companion of the most compatible of Asmodeus’ spawn.

And while she regrets that she has to, she will never regret preserving and protecting her babe.

Even if that means somewhere, down the line, her son may end up married to some warlock sorceress instead of a strong, sensible nephilim woman.

But that day may never come, and so she prays to Raziel.

And in a way, her prayers are answered.

Her child’s soul will never be connected to some unknown warlock female.

Because as soon as the ritual completes, his soul already belongs to Magnus Bane.

[picckl]

i am SO curious about what horrors saffron went through-- the post you made abt your first and most recent drawing of him is so intriguing esp bc i keep seeing the progression on my timeline

(idk if you've already talked about saffron's story, so sorry if you have! and no worries about answering if it's a personal oc story you dont want to share beyond what you already have with your art!)

Oh I can go ahead and share no problem!

Back when we first started the campaign, Saffron was an archfey warlock under Titania of the summer court which is why his powers were so nature oriented. He was also a joke character who followed the “flirty asshole tiefling” archtype which lasted like 1 and a half sessions. Most of his plot in the 1st and 2nd arc was him realizing and struggling through the abuse Titania put on him, ESPECIALLY in arc 2 where she started fucking with his magic. On top of this we have the party dynamic- almost constantly falling apart and getting into disagreements once we hit end of the 1st arc. During that he was also being forced by Titania to collect info on the magic users to use against them. Finally there’s Klaus- an Owlin barbarian who Saffron feels extremely close to who kept throwing himself in danger, often times for Saffron’s sake, and refusing Saffron’s claims that he wasn’t a monster and to stop. All together a fairly rough time.

What started the spore bit was a deal he made with a nothic, who agreed to give him info on his past (he’s got amnesia due to the unknown amount of time in he spent in the feywild) in exchange for some of his magic. It almost killed him but he made it, got some fairly useless info and a black streak in his hair. Later the next day he had a lovely encounter with Titania which resulted in him getting his magic snatched for a bit and revealed their dynamic to the rest of the party (I’ve been posting this sketch from that scene a lot but I don’t think I ever put an explanation around it)

Cut forward to last session. Saffron had talked to the Mother of Rot earlier when he had accidentally caused a tree to rot, and Klaus had attacked a fellow party member due to hallucinations. I failed a wisdom saving throw and got Saffron locked in a partially Titania-induced mindset and he was headed out to talk to her, saw Klaus, and they got into quite possibly the worst argument anyone in the party has had yet. Failed another wisdom saving throw and Saffron attacked him. Titania ended the fight by burning Klaus’ back off and Klaus subsequently stabbing her, Saffron snapped out of the mindset and used his silly little rot powers to keep her from healing. Their connection was severed and the contract was broken.

To sum it up- he’s lost all his previous powers aka the thing that Titania did to remind him he’s useless without them, he’s lost the 2 people he’s every loved romantically (Titania’s hunting him for sport, Klaus hates his guts and is romancing another Owlin), his memories are starting to come back in the worst ways, he’s despised by 3/4ths of the team, one of his major character points is his fear of death and he’s got a NECROMANCY CLASS, he is under the power of yet another big magic lady bc his new ties to the unseelie court which he’s always known as evil, and, like previously stated, he’s being hunted for sport by his ex who is considered the most powerful being in the Summer Court.

He’s a bit fucked rn

[elliewiltarwyn]

For the ask game: Ellie’s thoughts on Urianger?

(this shot's a repost from Roevember's "elezen pal" but I mean, it's relevant!)

Ellie and Urianger get along shockingly well, to everyone's surprise including their own! One would think the most direct, straight-to-the-point Scion (at least up there with Alisaie) and the wordiest beating-around-the-bush playing-both-sides-so-he-always-comes-out-on-top Shakespeare-ass nerd would get along like a house on fire... but they have more in common than they realized at first.

Both spent much of their childhood with their nose buried in one tome or another. Both needed someone who legitimately just cares for them as a person to withdraw from that shell. After ARR, both have lost those dearest ones to machinations beyond their control...

That all being said, none of this means that they hung out together all that much before ShB, or started out that way; they only really started talking after, of all things, the showdown with the Warriors of Darkness -- after Urianger revealed both the depths of his duplicity and his unwavering commitment to the Scions' cause. After Urianger's manipulations that offered up Minfilia's life -- Ellie's aforementioned dearest one -- as the coin to pay to save two worlds, though by his own admittance, 'twas not his to give.

Ellie probably did punch him for that.

She just didn't stop there; they got to hashing it out, and Ellie found herself truly listening to him for the first time, and she realized that the grief he felt over Moenbryda and Minfilia both is just as strong as her own. She gets him some ice for his face and asks him about them, and lets him drone on for the next several hours about how incredible they were. (She also gets him some wine partway through. She politely declines to share it with him.)

They keep talking after that night and keep sharing in that grief, and then start sharing other discussions about other subjects beyond that which initially connected them. Things like Sharlayan, like favorite books. Like where he picked up his manner of speech. Like her own failed ambitions to study at the Studium, and the subjects she had wanted to research while there. By the time she, the twins, Lyse, and Tataru get on the boat to Kugane, she feels fairly confident in calling Urianger a good friend, and she's willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

It's tested, admittedly, when he gets up to similar shenanigans later. But she can tell his apology is earnest and from the heart and that he really truly means it when he says he doesn't want to lie to her anymore, that if he had a choice he wouldn't, so she just claps him on the shoulder and smirks at him before dropping it entirely. (Besides, it's not like it was his idea to hide the truth of his Eighth Umbral Calamity vision. Though in the end she doesn't have it in herself to begrudge G'raha either.)

(And gods, seeing Bloewyda hug him in the sort of way she's desired to help cope with her own losses? She's happy for him but there's a slightly bitter taste in her mouth at the same time.)

She might be slightly trying to push him and Thancred together, especially after she sees how they dote on Ryne. But she's also content with the bromances they all share with each other.

or broemances. eh? ehh? ehhh--[i am yanked offstage by the neck with a shepherd's crook]

[lazaruspiss]

So, I'm writing a long fanfic based around the characterizations of the various Bats in the 80s-00s time frame, and Nightwing is gonna be important but I don't have a good grasp of his personality yet. I'm currently reading through The Resurrection of Ras Al Ghul, but that and a few of the 2016 issues are all I've got to go off of right now.

Do you have any comics you'd recommend for getting a good grasp of his personality and general vibes?

I'd also be happy to read any kind of ramble about his personality/appeal you feel like writing. Having read your fanfiction I feel like (sincere compliment:) you are the exact kind of unhinged I want to get character opinions from.

(Also you mentioned Dick being in the mob which sounds Very Fun and I wanna know what titles so I can read that)

-redhoodinternaldialectical on anon cause sideblog

ok first of all. im flattered. i feel so powerful rn.

and second of all... my 'to read' list is embarrassingly long, and dick's been around and in a lot of comics so i have a lot of trouble keeping up ;-; but i will try my best!!

The New Teen Titans gets recommended a lot as a starting point for Dick as Nightwing, and while i havent read much of it, the stuff i have read has been pretty solid and i get why its so popular.

Nightwing 1996 is my personal go to comic for Dick, mainly bc it was his first real solo run. (it's often listed as "volume 2" of nightwing, but volume 1 aka Nightwing 1995 was really more of a test drive just to see if they should make a Nightwing solo series) It's also where Dick joins the mob! although that came off the tail end of a lot of different plot points.

(This is a bit unrelated, but in general I think knowing a bit of irl context to certain comic events is important. Like, at one point Bludhaven is nuked off the map. It doesn't make sense, and it was most likely due to some higher up DC nonsense. And Nightwing 1996's second annual is written by a man. etc etc.)

... I actually have a guide I've been working on, main reasons being quick reference for what happens where, and that writing these things down helps me remember them better

as you can probably tell, I still have a ways to go. looking at this now i'm starting to realize that i am really down bad for him lol

Mobbed Up (where Dick gets adopted by a random mob boss who took one look at his depressed mug as he was getting fired from the police force and said "new son?") is issues #107-111

I feel like I should get back to character thoughts.

Dick on his own is deeply serious, he has a job to do and it's incredibly important that he does it right. In the beginning this serves as an invaluable asset, but as he loses more people it starts to turn into more destructive. A trait that is morphed by his traumas into obsessiveness.

Dick when Tim comes to visit (or just when he's around people he cares about) is a bit softer, it's subtle, but it shows that he's aware of/cares for the people around him.

Dick with Bruce around seems to worry so much about proving himself, about being seen as a respectable peer, that it backfires into making him come off more insecure and as a bit of a "rebellious teen". (which is exactly what he's trying to avoid when he strikes out on his own) I've read various arcs and issues but I haven't actually read any focused on Dick and Bruce aside from the ones towards the beginning, so I'm sure their relationship must change, but this is how they were when Dick had first moved to Blud.

I feel like Bludhaven is also important to talk about. It's very much meant to be "Gotham, but worse". It's a place that even Batman wouldn't bother with, a place beyond saving. I'm... kind of breaking my own heart, thinking about how much Dick put into this city, only to. To fail? In a sense? A hero's home city isn't usually obliterated like that. The only other example that comes to mind is Hal Jordan's, and Hal literally went insane and became a space terrorist to bring it back. Dick is just... forced to move on.

And Dick goes back to NYC. Nightwing patrolling Gotham with any regularity feels very modern. He shows up when there's a major event and DC wants to capitalize on having a bunch of names in the same series, and he shows up when something drastic changes (like a new robin, or a death). Dick has however spent a lot of time in NYC, either because of the Titans or because. yknow. home go boom.

Anyways. Arc recs. Unironically I need you to read Brothers in Blood. Get past the initial gross out factor of Tentatodd and it's a great look at Jason and Dick's relationship. This is #118-122 and right after Bludhaven gets nuked. Dick has just experienced the lowest lows that one could low. Jason seems to know all about it, and tries to help in the worst way possible. Jason is right and blunt and convoluted and so so insecure about where he stands with Dick. Dick doesn't know where he stands with Jason either, on account of all the murder, and his tactless approach to trying to confront Dick on the copious amounts of trauma that Dick is dealing with. BiB is my Jaydick bible.

I'd also say to just give the first few arcs a shot. Beginnings are meant for introductions! It gives a good sense of who Dick is, why he's here, and what his goals are. Exposition baby! And I'm once again thinking about how ultimately Dick kind of fails said goals. I love him but he makes me so emo. Blockbuster has also been his main villain since the beginning, up until. Yknow. He became deader than his namesake. There's also a few fear toxin based issues that are good for. well. understanding what his fears are. There's also a fear toxin scene in Batman: Orphans, but i'll just reblog the post i made of it so u don't have to read that one. The art is fun, the story is weird and just kinda. meh.

#60 is when Dick joins the force. The beginning of the end, so to speak, but we don't meet Catalina until #71.

#93 is That Issue. The infamous rape scene. The thing about his time with Catalina is that it was almost definitely meant to be explored for what it was- an abusive relationship. But DC wanted Nightwing in an event. It doesn't have any satisfactory end, Bruce (DC) calls Dick to fight in Gotham. He does. His story falls to the wayside for the bigger title. The worst thing that can happen to a DC character IMO is getting a Batman crossover. There was supposed to be an entire arc dedicated to what would happen to Dick in this abusive relationship. But we got 2 issues. And War Games. It pisses me off to absolutely no end. DC needed more mouths to kiss the ground that Batman walks on. They don't give a damn about the stories that exist outside their cash cow.

After all that, eventually Dick is back to his utterly depressing life. He joins the mob, finds a family, bad things happen to said family. (Mobbed Up, #107-111) He wants to protect the daughter, Sophia Tevis, and then Slade holds Sophia hostage to get Dick to teach his daughter Rose how to fight. He does, but he also teaches Rose how to question authority (aka her dad). Slade is not happy about that, and nukes Bludhaven. (Renegade, #112-117) See my earlier note about IRL reasons for dumbass plot points.

Nightwing 1996 has 2 annual issues (despite running for much longer than 2 years). The first annual is a fun murder mystery and i think a good look into how Dick handles relationships. He also reads as very aromantic/demiromantic who doesn't know it yet, but maybe that's just me, lol. the second annual is dog shit. Mark Andreyko can get bent, it sucked total ass and isn't worth reading.

[waterparksdrama]

double dare plz..

ask and you shall receive

hawaii (stay awake) - really sets the scene for the album. an upbeat pop punk song that shows off what parx does best; electronic infused pop punk that stays fresh with the equally interesting lyrics that compliment it. the song lyrically follows awsten dealing with his daily troubles but having someone to look forward to being with despite it all. really establishes the major themes of the album right from the get go in one catchy package. 7/10

gloom boys - probably the leader of the recurring theme in parx songs of "this song sounds happy but it's actually really fucked and sad ooOOOoooOOo i am the joker but an emoscene lead singer". even if that is the song's legacy for the rest of their discography, it's still a very fun song regardless. lyrically, it uses a lot of ironic imagery in its verses about how he only writes when he's sad like every other artist before going into the chorus, asking (maybe to himself, maybe to someone else) why they're so "cold" and "scared to be alone" in contrast to the more darkly playful nature of the verses. that bridge will forever be iconiccccc. 7/10

stupid for you - she is That song... probably the most well known parx song of all time what else is there to say. it's fun, it's catchy, it's smartly written both instrumentally and lyrically like c'mon it's a good ass song. to be fair there's some mild foreshadowing to the reason for the downfall of their relationship in this song already but "you're playing ring around my head / i wear you like a halo"????? c'mon this is some good shit. i love it. 7/10

royal - FUCK YEAH ROYAL. another song about feeling like he's failing to live up to expectations, both in his work and his personal relationships and wishing how those problems would just Go Away. like fuckkkkkkkkk this song hits hard. like the way it just builds up to these really cathartic big choruses really does it for me along with the subject matter. "you won't like what you see, so keep your eyes off of me / i fall in love with everything that wants nothing to do with me" you could shoot me in the face and it'd hurt less than this 8/10

take her to the moon - ok i'll admit i wasn't really a fan of this until i did a dance warmup to it and now i do LOL. the song instrumentally is the most pop sounding they've been up to this point with clear influences from owl city and early breathe carolina and hellogoodbye. lyrically, it's another well written love song using the space and beyond theming of the title specifically in the bridge's imagery with "yeah, you cloud my head, but can you really get lost in heaven?" showing the rose colored view of awsten for this person. again, foreshadowing, but it's a good ass song i can see why awsten loves it so much. 7/10

made in america - i don't get why people don't like this song it's a perfectly fine song both instrumentally and lyrically lol. from how i interpret it, it's a critique on the hypocrisy of american consumerism specifically in the ~pop punk scene~ for context during awsten's time growing up there was the rise of that sort of "this band saved my life" sentiment and non profits that would fundraise for charity (to write love on her arms specifically for their shirts and the keep a breast foundation with the infamous i heart boobies rubber wristbands). most people in the scene would wear these as trends without really caring about the causes they were for (hence "we're justice warriors when we're bored, you see? / buying bracelets and then channeling"). not to mention the glamorization of band guys' lifestyles they sell to kids who wish to be just like them without realizing they're phonies ("it's basically tradition / to lust for what you're missing / they're selling you a touched up name"). awsten points out the hypocrisy of both the bands and fans who buy into the romanticized band guy image or the causes they "support" that just end up being a fashion statement at the end of the day. honestly this commentary still holds up pretty well especially today when the prioritization of aesthetics over understanding subcultures seems to be fairly prevalent. 7/10

dizzy - a song about growing up into early adulthood, growing distant from the people you once knew, and dealing with depression all through it. pretty self explanatory, the song itself slows down much like the lyrical themes of this song. what else can i say man, it kinda hits for me stop being relatable to me pre los angeles awsten goddamn. final thoughts on this? i like the hidden vocals in the second pre chorus where awsten sings that he does wanna talk and think about all of this, though he sounds quiet and morose saying it out loud. you can hear that better in this post if you want. 8/10

powerless - again i think shooting me in the face would hurt less than this song. a head over heels love song with some subtle foreshadowing again about trying to keep a long distance relationship alive. this song is so devastatingly earnest and hopeful that i need to be stabbed. is that the best way to explain this bc this is me saying the song is really good and makes me emotional and incredibly sad from knowing how this ended up. 9/10

little violence - a song critiquing the rock music scene, specifically his band guy peers that only want to be friends now that parx is signed and making it and the music critics specifically on rock sites like absolutepunk that won't like them for heading in the more pop direction they've been shooting for. it's essentially just "fuck you: the song" and awsten being tired of all of it. the bridge itself takes a break from these shots fired though, since when he's with the person he loves, he seems to calm down about all this at least for a second. the instrumental itself carries the themes of these lyrics, with more punky riffs that still has the classic parx electronics complimenting their sound. 7/10

21 questions - another devastating foreshadowing relationship song has hit the towers. a song that starts as acoustic but builds into a full band song about awsten starting a relationship with a girl who cheats on her prior relationship to be with him and his fears of the same thing happening to him. oh god. yeah this hurts. hindsight is 20/20 and all that. the outro especially kills me "i'll forget you if you need me to, like nothing ever happened / my sun still sets without you, like nothing ever happened" please shoot me in the face it will hurt less 8/10

it follows - a song about awsten's emotions about this relationship, how he knows that he's not thinking straight with this person and how he can't think of anything else without them. if we're to believe the title refers to the horror movie of the same name, awsten feels cursed in relationships, making him nervous for this one despite how head over heels he is. i like how the guitars sort of tremble and stutter like a nervous thought before kicking into these large choruses in tandem with the lyrics. 9/10

plum island - a sort of stream of consciousness from awsten going from topics such as critiques of parx's new direction soundwise to his breakup and feeling shitty all throughout it, the chorus seeming to talk to the listener and playing into the "brooding band guy" thing and the last choruses taking solace in someone despite it all. god it's just an interesting song in general, the sort of lack of an actual chorus until the end and the sort of edm like drop that's used for most of the song with the chopped and mixed vocals of "lose your mind". not to mention those iconic drums at the beginning especially when you consider *waves hand* uh. the subjects of this song. 9/10

i'll always be around - lemme reiterate that when i react to a parx song and i say "i need to be shot" that means the song is good. this is one of the songs making me react like that. sonically, it has all the hallmarks of your regular, heartbreaking parx song with its electronics and devastating lyrics, and hopeful nature despite knowing something bad will happen. a song of awsten promising to be faithful to someone that in later performances got turned into a song about always being around for geoff and otto T___T i am going to put a gun in my mouth and blow my brains up /pos i love friendship i love love i'm dying to be your everything 9/10

candy - y'all know i gotta do the bonus tracks c'mon. this song is the most pop punk they've been while still have those parx certified electronic bits. this literally sounds like it could've been in a 2000s teen movie. hell, this sounds like if an old all time low song was good let's just admit that. lyrically, the song is about lessening your problems by sugarcoating them, which is what the song does by contrasting awsten's daily worries with the upbeat guitars. it's fun idgaf. 8/10

what we do for fun - Literally The Parx Song Of All Time. what the fuck. jaw dropped on the floor at some of this oh my god. less of a love song, more of an obsession song, mostly about sex. why did awsten bother writing about sex after this; it's articulate, mostly subtle, sexy yet playful like hello, "worshipping you from the darkest of corners like i'm practicing my own private religion" IF YOU WROTE THIS KINDA SHIT ABOUT ME I WOULD MARRY YOU ON THE SPOT. AWSTEN YOU DID NOT HAVE TO WRITE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY WHEN YOU WROTE THIS. instrumentally, it's a drum heavy song much like plum island and yeah i can't say anything more what the fuck this song is so good i need to blow something up. 10/10

all in all, double dare is such a classic. from the instrumentals to the lyrics, it's all so emotionally earnest it makes you want to pick up the nearest sharp object and sink it into your chest when you realize what happened like immediately after this album. it's such a good album and establishes a lot about parx.

-iz

[system-of-a-feather]

Relating to this post and this post, but I feel there is this stigma around "being triggeered" an acting in a way that is charged by the fact you are "triggered" as though it undermines your actions, invalidates your actions, or makes you wrong because its some "mental health symptom"

But being triggered literally has no weight to it and while it provides context, does not inherently make anything right or wrong, good or bad, valid or not.

In fact, I would even make the claim that being triggered really isn't inherently even a negative thing to be in all situations. Often times? Yes. Sometimes though? Its adaptive, appropriate, and useful to handle situations.

The difference? Control, awareness, and moderation - as well as just generally how deeply triggered you are. (cause if you are having full on flashbacks and full dissociative freeze, theres little 'control' you can put to that level of triggered; for the point of this post, I am talking about emotionally triggered / passively triggered)

There is nothing inherently wrong with operating in / from a mindset informed and charged by past experiences. Can it be excessive? Yes. Can it cloud judgement? Yes. Can it get out of hand and become self destructive / harmful and add more stress and harm to oneself if left to fester? Yes. Are any of those inherently going to happen if you indulge and allow those feelings to have space to air and inform your decisions? Absolutely not.

Cause here's the thing - especially with DID - being triggered can take up a fucking huge part of your life if you have C-PTSD or a CDD - thats just the facts of the life. If you have DID, you might have parts and fragments that in the very essence of them, are going to be triggered cause theyre trauma holders, EPs, fragments, and what not. Some of them literally don't exist outside of the constant internal existence of what they've been through. If you are going to wait until you are "not triggered" to live your life, you are never going to get anywhere. If you treat being triggered as this moral failing or intellectual failing, you are going to deeply struggle to build a loving relationship with the hurt you've been through.

The ways you act when you are triggered had / have a purpose. Even if the behavior is 99.9% of the time maladaptive and unhealthy, at least ONCE in your life it was adaptive and served to tell and communicate something stupid fucking important - otherwise it would not be there.

The challenge is figuring out what that stupid fucking important thing is beyond the stress that those 99.9% maladaptive behaviors and mindsets while triggered are, but every part and every trauma response is there to tell you something you need to know.

If you are able to be okay with being triggered, know where it comes from, know what its trying to tell you, know where it intends to go and what it will want to do, and you are able to walk away from it when you realize it is no longer serving you, being "triggered" can be an aid in your recovery and life in the occasional moments when that percentage of "adaptive behavior" presents itself.

XIV 1.0 was a pure solid EP who literally only experienced sadistic high from causing problems and screwing over established structures and would ACTIVELY look for things to be annoyed at / mad about and people making silly exploitable mistakes so that he could make them regret it and so he could get a high of some ambiguous concept of "dominating" and thus crushing people. It stems from the fact that in our household it was eat or be eaten and the most aggressive manipulative and intimidating person controlled the house, including safety, security, food, and if our dad was going to rage and hurt people. Having that insane high and joy from sadistically dominating people the second they make a single exploitable mistake is something that SEVERELY saved our ass growing up when we were a preteen left to figure out how to make sure our parents didn't get us killed.

Upon fusing with Rayku years ago I really realized as FUNNY and FUN as all that shit still registered to me, as much of an addictive high it gave me, the only place that shit was going to get me was an early grave and hurting everyone else in the system so I put a few years into learning to put that skill and joy on the shelf to use if it is ever needed again.

And every so often? Someone gets power hungry and abusive in a way that is fucked up and needs to be shaken, torn down, and have the small little mistakes exploited to punish shitty people behavior, and yeah, I'll be running off of a similar mindset to my trauma environment. Yeah I'll be having almost the same feelings and disproportionate focus and adrenaline. Yeah I'll essentially be having a passive emotional ""flashback"", but at any point, anyone in the system can say "hey XIV thats enough" and I literally can take a deep breath, sigh, and put it aside and go "yeah you're right"

I can choose to allow this to fester and direct my actions and I can choose to put it away as we see it necessary.

So yeah I am probably technically "triggered", but thats honestly by intention. Its helpful and adaptive. It lets me take down shit I find disgusting. I can put it away whenever I want to, I just simply choose to not, because in this moment, being triggered is far more helpful and adaptive to my current goals in life than being placated and peaceful. Plus, because we can turn it on and off as we need, everyone else can just exist as they do while I sit and indulge this when I feel the need to and trust that others will just tell me to cool it if I ever get too deep.

Cause honestly, its also this openness to indulge "being triggered" that is like... honestly the crux of being able to fuse and unfuse at relative will. It's how Chunn and I fuse and unfuse like every few weeks. We choose to indulge our exaggerated corners of the brain when we want to be seperate and shrug it off and let them meld when we want to be together.

[little-demy]

The more I look at the White Lady's abode, the more I realize it feels like a mockery of the Hollow Knight's sacrifice. Sorry about me bashing on the white lady but she is the biggest hypocrite. I get that she is depressed from having birthed so many kids to die. That I understand and sympathize with. What I don't sympathize with is how, she knew the Hollow Knight would fail, know that the Pale King was near working himself to death to save the kingdom, yet you pretty much undid all his hard work by leaving him alone, not even checking up on him, sealing yourself in bindings in a mockery of your child's sacrifice which has a purpose unlike yours which is just you feeling guilty and not doing anything to repent, you also straight up left the entirety of Hallownest to ruin in it's time of most dire need. Yet you still go out of your way to ask one of your children to go and put themselves in a prison to replace their sibling in containing a god when the kingdom has fallen to ruin. Are you just petty? I'm not saying the radiance shouldn't be locked up, no no... I'm saying you're foolish for not trying to be there for your husband who all of Hallownest is believing in. Then again, you're as delusional as you are blind. No wonder Hornet is such a psychotic disaster if you were her mother. I wouldn't be surprised if she felt uncomfortable with physical contact due to the white lady not really giving it back in return.

Am I pretty much saying it's the white lady's fault hallownest fell to ruin?

Yes, she may not have been the sole reason, but God damn is it a solid one. She was in a position of power and had already gone beyond the point of turning back. May as well commit to it and try to be there for him when he needed it.

He likely feels like he failed and felt ashamed of it. Feeling guilty and putting himself in a prison of his own making in his own mind. Do I think he is dead? No, but he is damn close to it, to the point where he is likely catatonically depressed and miserable. Don't even get me started on Dryaa either.

The fact that she died protecting the White Lady makes her sacrifice feel like a waste when she doesn't even acknowledge anything outside of her hiding place. Dryaa is also implied to be fiercely loyal to the White Lady too. Heck, in the original drafts the queen was meant to be dead and you would fight a rampaging Dryaa.

So yeah, I want to see Shadow make the white lady own up to her mistakes. Unn at the very least seems to be genuinely weakened, all because this sorry house plant snake is sitting in her own world. Do I think she is a good person?

She could be, but I don't have the best opinion on her. Overall, shadow and the White Lady are going to have a conversation that might end up with the White Lady on the losing end overall, Shadow most certainly will be nettled by the white Lady, yes, but that is going to be nothing in comparison to the failures of the white lady. You are a queen, yet you have done nothing.

Shadow and White Lady interaction is still being planned, I keep changing things every few days tbh, lmao

I'm still trying to understand White Lady and Pale King tbh, reading here and there and observing canon lore implications etc. Personally I think they are unique and complex, thus I often got confused how to approach them. I understand your view on her though!

Shadow and White Lady might be not in good term though, with how WL refer to both THK and Ghost will definitely will step on Shadow's landmine. And through Ghost-Shadow relationship, WL would see that she's still wrong about Vessels being empty. But how the scene will goes is still something far in the future so I'm kinda changing here and there while planning😔