#but trust me there's so much to her that any kind of gender discussion would only lead to ''yes''

[swan2swan]

....hm.

[see-arcane]

I have been possessed by a stronger than average craving for tinkering with Jonathan Harker's genders (Jonders). Jonathan Harker is undeniably and forever my favorite gothic heroine. But, being that there is so much to chew on regarding his potential fluidity when it comes to gender roles within the story--the classic damsel, the willingly submissive half of the couple, the vengeful berserker, etc--it's got me thinking.

Let's take the metaphor out. What would happen to the Dracula narrative if Jonathan Harker was...

First thing's first--she almost definitely gets shouldered out of the Important Solicitor's position due to reasons of Being Girl. But she still has to get to Transylvania to be menaced by Count Bat Bastard. How?

Hawkins! Johanna is working at the firm as a secretary and personal assistant to a still very paternally mushy old Peter Hawkins. When Dracula's request comes around, he can't give up such a lucrative client over his gout and there's no one he trusts to pass it to. He has to go. And it'd only be right to treat his surrogate daughter to a paid scenic vacation have his aide along on the business trip. Especially when she hunted down Carfax Abbey herself! What a lovely outing they'll have.

...or not.

True to form, Count Dracula is very much not to be trusted around pretty young things of any kind. Considering his canon habits, things aren't about to go any easier for Miss Harker. But at least she has Hawkins watching out for her in-person! It all makes for some very tense talk when discussing anything other than the estate purchase; which Hawkins seems as keen to rush as Dracula is to dawdle over. But at least they'll be out of here soon. What's a couple of awkward nights, right?

One in particular has Johanna nervous as she goes to bed. Hawkins had taken Dracula aside with a hard smile, insisting there was a 'delicate matter' he wished to speak with the Count about. The last time a 'delicate matter' was brought up was when he nearly lobbed a typewriter at one of his ex-solicitor's heads for some distinctly unseemly behavior in her direction. She hopes there isn't a storm brewing under their host's roof. She hopes harder that tomorrow they'll be heading back to the Borgo Pass.

Instead:

Oh.

Oh no.

Between this and one requisite nightmare-week in which the joys of womanhood come and go--let's leave it unspoken whether her set of bloodstained cloths stay in her possession or not--Johanna gets put through the wringer. Per usual. But eventually..!

Yeah. No shock there. Deep calming breaths, Jack. Don't let the wonderful diary concuss you.

Part of being one of two (gasp) G I R L S in the Scooby Gang, Van Helsing and company vote Johanna and Mina out of the dirt hunt. Except. Well. Johanna is still necessary to have on the ground here. She's the only one with the location intel--and a surprise willed gift of inheritance and the firm from poor Hawkins, who the Transylvanian locals all vouch for as being 'slain by wolves,' leaving Johanna free of blame--so she's still running around for the crew.

Even so, odds are high that she initially gets sidelined with Mina. Which isn't overly awful. It is good to be side-by-side in this timeline! No needless sequestering from each other! Johanna is already planning to see Mina back to their new house before they have to sleep another night in an asylum.

And then comes the 3rd of October.

Van Helsing: "Madam Harker, is it not somewhat attention-catching to wear trousers in public? We are meant to be unremarkable while we wait on th--"

Johanna, has already smoked through two cigars, kukri in her lap, playing a game of chicken with God: "Do you think I scaled a mountain in three layers of skirts, Professor? No? Then I will not do the same if the rancid bastard tries to escape out the window."

Van Helsing, aside: "Friend John, can you speak sense to her?"

Jack, melting off the side of the bench: "I think I hauve consumption"

Anyway. She very much does get to the Dracula head chopping. And there will be much rejoicing. BUT all that grimdarkness aside, there are other, more hijinks-flavored opportunities to think of with this particular set up. If only because I genuinely believe that Lucy and Art, having two spare best friends on hand and a general vibe that radiates 'ooooh what if triple wedding???', would come up with the following master plan. Some truly Shakespearean folly kind of shit:

Thankfully, Johanna and Mina nix the idea pretty quick. Case in point:

And, last but not least, my final word on the range of Jonders that exist within my very best gothic heroine friend:

ha ha I do that

[vaughnwrites]

Stressed Out

adaman x reader

(after a hell of a long hiatus, i am back from the dead! kinda. so, i'm not going to promise anything anymore as i apparently never know when inspiration is going to strike, and i never know where the hyperfixation will take me. i was trying to get this out for nine months now, but this was... not coming until tonight. sorry y'all for the wait, but here it is after all this time! also, this is my longest one to date. the others barely scratched 1000 words, some managing 1700, but this one... is a beast. it's near 3000 words. the inspiration to write struck me hard. hope you guys enjoy! )

reader is gender-neutral. they/them pronouns will be used if any pronouns at all.

finally, i bring to you this prompt

—

Everything was overwhelming.

The past few weeks, the stress had been mounting as you fought tooth and nail to be seen as an asset rather than a nuisance. You wore yourself down to the bone, putting your heart and soul trying to please everyone so the suspicion would die down only for it to mount more and more with people with each passing day. You had already been cast out once, and earned your way back into the Galaxy team. So why were people still suspicious? How much would you have to do to gain everyone’s trust? Why did you constantly have to fight for everyone’s approval?

Why did the other clan leaders believe in you more than your own clan did?

All you craved was somewhere to call home again. Somewhere you could rest your head at night and simply sleep, rather than spending all your time being anxious about one wrong perceived move and you’d be kicked out of the village again. The stress felt like it was piling up on your already tense shoulders, and you felt so overwhelmed. 

Everything was overwhelming.

Instead of slamming your fists into the first and cursing everyone to please, for the love of all that is holy, give me some credit — you got to work. Like always.

You’d overheard about a Zorua outbreak in the Alabaster Icelands, which was exactly what you needed. A young man in the village had asked to see the completed entry for Zorua, so this would be the perfect opportunity to finally cross this Pokemon off your to-do list. So, off you set toward the Pearl Clan settlement so you could check in in case something goes wrong. Even though you were far more trusting of Pokemon than others around you, you still didn’t underestimate the ones that were absolutely ready to kill you in a moment’s notice. Alpha Pokemon were far more angry than any other Pokemon you’d come across in your time.

Arriving in the Pearl settlement, the snow softly crunching under your boots, you hear not one, but two familiar voices to the side. Oh, Adaman is here as well. You vaguely remember them talking about a meeting about… something about traditions, or something? The details were fuzzy. You have been focusing far more on your own tasks and stresses than anything else.

Irida noticed your presence almost immediately and smiles, waving you over. Adaman joined along when he sees you as well.

“Well, our favourite Galaxy member is here! How are you?”

“I’m good, Irida, thank you.” You offer her a kind smile, keeping all your stresses tucked away neatly into a corner of your mind. Put them in a box, and file it away. Not the healthiest coping mechanism, but one that’ll at least get you through this. “How are you guys doing?”

“We’re just discussing our cultures and possibly having a party to mingle the clans a little easier,” Adaman responded easily, throwing up his three fingers as a hello with his signature grin that never fails to make you smile in return.

“Sounds like fun.”

“It isn’t.”

“Hey!” Irida responded, stomping her foot down with her hands clenched at her sides. “I’m not the one being unreasonable!”

“Yeah yeah,” he waved her off, then turned his attention toward you. “What brings you here?”

“There’s a Zorua outbreak around the Bonechill Wastes area, and I wanted to complete my research on this guy while I still have the chance.” You neglected to tell them someone from Galaxy wanted the information as well.

Adaman raised an eyebrow. “Shouldn’t you have someone to come along with you?”

You opened your mouth to say no before Irida cuts in. “You volunteering? Provided you don’t freeze to death first,” she teased as she jabs him in the ribs playfully, and grinned at his responding yelp and pout. “Jesting aside — you really should have someone to accompany you. An Alpha Glalie tends to roam that area, and no one has dared to come close to it. It seems really powerful. I wouldn’t be comfortable with you going alone.”

Adaman pursed his lips in thought. “Yeah, now that you mention it, I feel like I’ve gotten a glimpse of that Glalie before.” He turned to Irida. “You said no one has come close to it before to know its true strength?”

She shook her head. “We’ve all been too scared to try.”

“I’m sure it won’t be a problem for me,” you interjected, trying to quell their fears. “After everything I’ve faced, it feels like I should be dead at minimum four times over.”

The clan leaders share a glance to each other. It seems they’re talking through just their looks, but what they could possibly be communicating is lost on you. “Adaman, please go with them. I would go if I didn’t have a meeting later on that I cannot miss. But I know you’ll keep them safe.”

“Do I get a say in this?”

“No,” both clan leaders respond at the same time.

You were split on this decision. Deep down, you did really like Adaman — and not just as a friend. Any time spent with him you keep near and dear to your heart. His smile that could light up a room and his long hair that you wanted to card your fingers through. But with the stress you’ve been under and how overwhelmed you’ve been, you’re unsure if you can handle a couple hours of him bitching about how cold it was. One too many comments and you weren’t sure if you could keep it all bottled anymore.

Yet, you also knew having someone with you would be more helpful than not. You didn’t know how strong the Zorua were going to be after all. If they ended up being feisty and ganged up on you, there’s no way you’d leave the battle unscathed. Add an Alpha Glalie to the mix and you’d be dead as dust in less than a heartbeat. You weighed your options (which, technically, they weren’t giving you any) and finally caved in. You weren’t gonna win this fight anyway. “Think you can talk about more than how cold it is?”

“I’m sure I can come up with something. But if it wasn’t so damn cold I wouldn’t complain about it all the time.”

“It’s not even that cold!” Irida scoffed, throwing her hands in the air. “I don’t know how you don’t boil over in the Crimson Mirelands!”

“It’s barely warm enough there for me. It can get really cold by the water, y’know.”

“You’re both impossible,” you cut in to break off the sibling-esque fighting before it can truly start. “Now c’mon, I wanna get going before it gets dark outside.”

And off you and Adaman went, hands in your respective pockets.

You didn’t expect to fall in love with the Zorua like you did.

They were so cute with their flowy hair and expressive eyes. Most were on the attack if they saw you, but crouching down from a good distance away and just watching seemed to be okay. One had strayed away from the group toward you and Adaman, and you both held your breath so it wouldn’t notice you. It failed, as it did notice you, but it didn’t seem to be angry. It walked up to you slowly, and out of habit you gave it your hand to sniff so it wouldn’t see you as a threat.

It rubbed the side of its head against your hand, causing you to smile from ear to ear.

“You really do have a way with Pokemon, don’t you?” Adaman commented, watching everything with a small smile of his own. “They just trust you so implicitly. It’s one of the many things I love about you.”

Your cheeks went up in flames at the compliment, but the cold would cover it up as they were already pretty red. “I think they can just sense that I’m not here to harm them.” You started to pet the Zorua behind its ear, causing its eyes to close. “Sometimes I feel like they’re the only ones that can.”

“What do you mean?”

Oops. You hadn’t meant for this to be a therapy session. “I just… I don’t know. I guess it feels like humans always think they’re about to be betrayed, stabbed in the back. One wrong move and you’re crucified. But Pokemon… They don’t seem to be that way. Some Pokemon can sense a good person when they see one. That seems to be… a lot more rare in humans.”

“I know you’re a good person,” Adaman said softly, putting one hand on your arm.

Before you can even think about a response or the fact he’s showing a more sensitive side of himself to you, a noise catches the three of you off guard.

“Shit,” you breathe, feeling your entire body freeze with fear. “The Alpha.”

You both bounce to your feet as the Alpha comes over the hill behind the Zorua and Adaman. You can see the Glalie is pissed off that people are invading its territory, and wants to get rid of the intruders. An ice beam begins to form, and before you can think, you jump in front of Adaman and the Zorua.

The blast hit you in full force.

Your fingers and feet go completely numb almost immediately, though it almost feels like you’re not even cold anymore. You almost feel warm, actually, and you know that’s an incredibly bad sign. The sky is a beautiful haze of orange and purple as the sun is setting behind the clouds, and for a moment you just take in the colours swirling in your vision. It feels like everything has a layer of clouds over it, and your mind feels stuffed full of cotton. Oh, this is probably a very bad sign.

You can hear a call of your name, as warbled and muffled as you heard it, but can’t really respond to it. Adaman lifted your torso and pressed your back against his chest, his arms wrapped around you with his haori encasing you against him. The Zorua was curled in your lap, and you just felt… warm. You try to say thank you, but your lips feel tingly. Funny. You know you’re slurring even if you can’t hear much yourself. You try your hardest to communicate one word to Adaman.

“Camp.”

With that, though, you go unconscious.

—

You have no idea how much time has passed, but the next thing you know, you’re nice and warm in a tent. Blankets are stacked on top of you, and the fire in the furnace is crackling softly. You’re cozy and warm, but something feels… different. You sit up a bit, and promptly look down.

Oh. You’re definitely not wearing the clothes that you were wearing when you were out hunting for Zorua. You were wrapped up in a yukata that you didn’t recognise, but definitely knew the pearl clan symbol and colours. You wrapped it closer to yourself, then wrapped the blankets around you tightly for warmth. The clothes you had been wearing were hanging over a rack by the stove, seemingly drying off after the long day they’d been through.

You didn’t really know what to do. You’re not even sure what you managed to accomplish for research, or what you’re wearing, or what time it is, or really… anything. You don’t know anything that’s happened since you were out with Adaman. Now, it seems you’re alone in this little area. 

The tears fall before you even really mean them to.

When the first teardrop hit your hand, you realised what’s going on. The stress of everything was finally boiling over now that you feel comfortable and safe. You’re confused, but you’re comfortable and safe which is all you’ve wanted to feel for a while.

You allowed yourself to cry.

Trying not to be loud, you cry silently to yourself while wrapped up in blankets and the yukata, pulling the items tightly against you so you feel swaddled. You rock back and forth and let yourself have your small breakdown.

Until Adaman popped open the tent flaps to check on you, apparently.

Almost immediately your hands fly to your face to cover your tear-tracked cheeks and red eyes, burying your face into the softness of the blanket. You don’t say anything, and neither does he. But all it takes is him walking up and gently touching the top of your hair before you break completely.

The stress of everything came boiling over the edge, the fear of almost dying, the unknown of whether the research you obtained was enough to complete the entry on Zorua, whether you would have a home to go back to in Galaxy. Everything boiled up and you pressed the top of your head into Adaman’s stomach to cry.

He rubbed your back and shoulders gently as you sobbed, gently shushing you and reassuring you that you were safe, you were okay, everyone was okay. He was the much-needed rock in your mind to cling to so your head stayed above the water of emotions. Everything was going to be fine.

Everything was going to be fine.

Eventually your tears slowed and your breathing evened out, pulling away from Adaman to give him room and let him back up if he wanted. (You couldn’t help but notice he didn’t.) “I’m sorry. I didn’t… mean to break down.”

“You’ve been through a lot today, it’s understandable why you would.” Adaman sat down on the bed next to you and handed you a towel to wipe your face. “You’re in a spare tent right now, one they have set out for visitors or harmed individuals found in the wild. Do you remember what happened?”

You nodded, refusing to speak any words.

“You really scared me, y’know. When I saw that ice blast hit you, I… I saw you skid backward in the snow, and your lips were already blue. That was one of the scariest moments of my life, but I’m glad I went with you to keep you safe. Makes me want to go everywhere with you to always make sure you’re safe.”

An eyebrow raised as you look at him. “Wouldn’t that be a waste of your time?”

“Saving you wasn’t a waste of time. And I’d do it all over again, and again, just to keep you safe.”

You’re stunned speechless. You don’t know how to respond with words, so you do the next best appropriate thing — hug him. It starts as a side hug that quickly develops into a full hug, and by the way you’re both gripping each other… it seems neither one of you wants to let go.

“Adaman…” you whispered, holding him tightly. “Thank you. I couldn’t ask for a better —” you pause. You can’t say friend. He’s more than a friend at this point, in your heart, but that’s not something you can say. “— for a better person in my life. You’ve been so helpful to me, and I just… I’m so thankful for you.”

You can feel him smile against your shoulder, which makes you smile. “And I, you.”

He pulled back from the hug slowly, as if he was fighting himself. But he let go and instead stood up, grabbing the bowl he’d at some point set on the counter next to you. “I brought this in to try and wake you up to get something in your stomach, when… well, y’know.” Adaman rubbed the back of his neck. “You should get some warm food in your system though. It’ll help out.”

You grabbed the bowl of what appears to be some sort of soup, and you’re glad to have something else besides potato mochi to eat tonight. “Thank you.”

As you began to eat your soup, Adaman began to explain everything. “So that Zorua you saved came back with us. It’s sleeping with all your Pokeballs in Irida’s tent so she could keep an eye on them, and so they didn’t try to warm you too fast.” Ah, that explained the lack of Pokeballs with your clothes. “That Zorua seems pretty attached. I think you found yourself a new buddy.”

Both of you talk about the Zorua, about the research of all types of Pokemon and how it’s all going, talk about how cold it is and how much warmer the Crimson Mirelands is, how the clan meeting seems to be coming along well even through the bickering Irida and him do. Eventually, you finish your soup and set the bowl onto the chest next to you. Adaman clears his throat and begins to stand. 

“It’s about time for sleep, so I guess I’ll —”

“Please stay with me.”

Adaman’s eyebrows shot through the sky as he looked at you. “What?”

“Please, stay with me. I could use another person here so I’m not… I’m not alone.” You bowed your head. “And I don’t want you to go. But if you do, I understand.”

Hands rest on your shoulders and you looked up, meeting his eyes and matching his smile. “I would love nothing more than that. I don’t want to leave your side. Not now, not…” he stopped, but you finished it.

“Not ever?”

He smiled warmly, and it warms your soul. “Not ever.”

“Then stay with me. Tonight, at least. We’ll figure out the rest later.”

“You got it.”

He slid under the blankets with you, and without a second thought, you curled up next to him for warmth. You were warm, but after how cold you were today… warm didn’t seem to be enough. Adaman’s arms wrapped around you protectively, and with your head on his chest, the sound of his heartbeat gently lulled you into a peaceful slumber.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I told my partner I didn’t want them to be polyamorous in our relationship despite being poly myself?

This one is a little complicated. My (20NB, they) partners (varying ages/genders) are plural and all part of the same system. I am in a relationship with the host (25NB, he/she/they) and several of the others in their system. I’m polyamorous, so this is no problem for me. We’ll call the host Leaf for now, since he’s one most involved here. We have been together for over a year now and I love all of them very much.

Leaf is close friends with someone we’ll call Chair (?NB, they). I am friendly with Chair, but I mostly hang out with them with Leaf, and they’re still more Leaf’s friend than my friend. Leaf and Chair knew each other before I met Leaf. They dated in the past, but broke up and remain good friends. I don’t know the details of their breakup, but I think Leaf said both of them felt they weren’t in a good place to date at the time due to life circumstances. They broke up ~6 months or more before Leaf and I started dating. Chair is kind and fun to hang out with, and they seem a really good friend to Leaf even though I don’t know them too well.

Leaf and I were talking about 3 months ago, and she mentioned to me that she was unsure if she might still have feelings for Chair as well as for me. I was unsure of how to react, but I wanted to support them while they worked out their feelings. Leaf also told me that they hadn’t told Chair we were dating, because they didn’t want Chair to feel bad since they initially broke up due to being in a bad place for relationships. Leaf said that both me and Chair are equally important to them, which I completely respect. I don’t think romantic relationships should automatically be more important than platonic ones, and of course it’s important to me that Leaf can have relationships outside of me. Leaf said he still was not sure, so he was going to give it more thought. I asked her to tell me when she had a better idea of her feelings, and we left it at that. A month ago, I asked Leaf if they had thought it over any more, and they still weren’t sure. We haven’t discussed it since. Our relationship has been wonderful otherwise, and I love him to bits.

Having said that, I’m still kind of anxious about it. As the TLDR said, I don’t think I’m comfortable with Chair and Leaf dating, but I feel like I’m being really unfair because I’m dating Leaf and many of the others in their system. I feel that it’s different, because obviously Leaf knows my other partners very, very well and is close with all of them. I don’t know Chair well and while they seem really nice, I don’t think we have a lot of interests in common, so we never hit it off.

I’m worried I’m invalidating Leaf’s system with that attitude though. Members of a system are often unique individuals with their own personalities, memories, preferences, and identities even though they share a body. This is at least true for Leaf’s system. I would never want any of my partners to feel like I didn’t respect and love them for who they are as individuals. Some of my partners within the system are dating each other, but this has never bothered me because I knew both of them really well. I felt I could trust that it wouldn’t hurt our relationships because of that.

Chair and Leaf also know each other really well. A part of me is anxious that because they’re so close, Leaf might have a stronger romantic connection with Chair if they dated and not want to be together. I know I have trust issues (thanks, PTSD) but I don’t want to let that overwhelm or control me in this situation and hurt my relationship. I trust Leaf deeply, but I just don’t have that level of trust with Chair.

I trust Leaf not to cheat. I know he would respect my decision if I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with him and Chair dating, but I don’t want to hurt him or his relationship with Chair. I also don’t know if Chair would be open to a polyamorous relationship, and even if they are, I don’t know if I would be good at navigating that dynamic with someone I’m only a friendly-acquaintance with. I know Chair is important to Leaf and I don’t want to hurt them because of that. I feel like I’d be a huge jerk if I forced Leaf to choose between their feelings for Chair or their feelings for me; I know how heartbreaking it would be to have to choose between my partners.

I don’t think Leaf is doing anything wrong here, because she has been open with me about how she feels and I’m grateful for that. I don’t think people can help catching feelings for others, because as long as they don’t act on them without their partners’ consent then it’s harmless. This is not a case of cheating, in my opinion.

I just don’t know. Am I being an asshole or being controlling/possessive here? Would it be okay if I told Leaf I wasn’t comfortable with them and Chair dating? Am I having a double standard by being in multiple relationships but not wanting Leaf to date Chair? Am I completely overthinking this??? I’d extra appreciate if any systems/plural folks or polyamorous people have any input here. I am new to having a poly relationship and I’m not really sure of the “etiquette” beyond open, honest and frequent communication. I’m also not a system so I don’t know if I’m actually being invalidating of Leaf’s system by not wanting Chair and Leaf to date while dating Leaf’s alters, or if I’m just being paranoid. I do plan on being open about this with Leaf if it comes up again; I just want to organize my thoughts on it first and get a gauge on if I’m being a jerk. My relationship with Leaf is the best one I’ve had. I don’t want to ruin it.

Also, hopefully this is a given, but please don’t be rude about systems in the replies. I love my partners exactly the way they are.

What are these acronyms?

[caliburn-not-calculator]

I’m not really sure how unpopular of an opinion this is in the fandom since it’s honestly not discussed a lot, but since it’s mentioned rather often on the pod I’ll go ahead a say it. I don’t like Dani/Davion. It feels remarkably forced. 

Before I get any further, I really don’t want this to come off as shading any one who does like this ship. There’s nothing inherently wrong with it, and there are even a few circumstances where I can see the appeal. Everyone’s allowed to like whatever they want to like. Personally, it’s not my cup of tea, which I’m about to explain why, but if it’s yours, go nuts and have fun. That’s what fandom is for. 

Anyways, I don’t like Dani/ Davion as a couple. It feels very hetero/amatonnormative to me. Oh a guy and a girl are bickering, that must mean they like each other and are secretly pining inside. I’m quite bored of this. Obviously this is a popular troupe for a reason, and I can…*understand* the appeal. I’m just… tired of it. 

What I *can* say is I do like Dani & Davion. As like, frenemies would be the word I guess. They’re very funny. I like that they bring out sides of each other that we don’t really see otherwise. Bad sides, they’re catty bitches and it’s great. I think the dynamic of having two people who constantly, *genuinely!!!* what to rip out the other’s throat, but also, to one degree or another, trust each other is very compelling and entertaining. I genuinely liked the moment in 5.6 when Dani asked Davion to defend Brass because she couldn’t be there. As much as she rags on him, deep down she does actually trust him. 

What I don’t like is when this dynamic is turned fully, cleanly romantic. It feels like it just flattens it down a lot. Perhaps this really is just an issue I’m having because of my particular experience being aroacespec. I find a lot of character dynamics far less interesting when they get cleanly slotted into the “romantic” category instead of all the messy facets and feelings that can exist in nebulous platonic/queerplatonic spaces getting to be explored (This is true of any gender parting btw). 

Rolling with difficulty is a show I enjoy so much largely because of the vast variety of relationships in it. There are so many different relationship smoothies with different amounts of platonic or familial or alterous love blended in. Each of them have distinct tastes even if they have similar ingredients to another paring. None of the platonic bonds are treated as less valuable than the romantic ones, none are treated like they need to turn romantic in order to deepen or obtain true value. (Shoutout to aromantic Kyana and her bestie Ione, I loved their convo in 5.6 too.) 

None of them, I feel… except for Dani & Davion. 

I know really all the Davani teases have been out of character by the players, but I actually think that’s why it bothers me. It’s literally out of character. It’s forced. Organically, without outside forces like players’ out of character preferences (which of course have a place in ttrpg settings, I’m speaking solely from an in universe perspective/preference) I really don’t think either Dani or Davion would ever see the other as a romantic partner. It just doesn’t fit. I could see them growing very close, continuing with the dynamic they currently have— tearing into each other like wild dogs anytime they meet, but under the surface, the trust growing and maybe after a while even respect too. And that’s the dynamic I like. 

I think the TL;DR here is something adjacent to: I’m not a fan of romantic relationships being treated as a better version of platonic ones, and, although in general RWD is very good about not falling into that hole, I feel like to a certain degree Davani (as a romantic relationship) does.

So sorry for the essay, but I’ve kind of been stewing on this for a while and it feels kinda good to get it all out in words. (Reiterating no shade if you like this ship, this is just my personal opinion! :D)

Oh this is very fair, I have to say I agree with you. It was kinda funny but yeah it never felt compelling to me, more like a joke than anything.

You put this incredibly well so I’m not sure I can say much that builds upon other than, yes, I get that.

[kingsmoot]

i'm interested by your interpretation of Ramsay's "[...]there was a woman promised me." line being about Theon you mentioned in the nosafeanchorage post's tags! care to elaborate? i need to see your beautiful mind

i would literally love to elaborate, yes

under the cut for general discussion of sexual violence/westerosi gendered violence

-> reblog of original post by nosafeanchorage

this is long as hell because i like talking about acok theon chapters at great length

"reek"'s intro in bran vi; i'm including this for three reasons:

the pig fucking is referenced again in theon v

the significance of theon insulting/undermining ramsay's sexuality

palla

a point of theon's arc that nosafeanchorage explains really succinctly is this:

theon’s theme is that every ill he ever committed gets punished several times over, he undergoes excessive victimisation along thematic lines for every single thing. thematically it would be fitting that he wasn’t spared that particular punishment. theon raped and enabled rape, so he was raped, sexually tortured and punished as rapist, all at the same time. possibly.

the first thing theon does when he meets ramsay is sexually humiliate him. no, it's not the worst thing anyone's ever said on-page to emasculate someone. it doesn't even make it onto the list of the Notable Things People Do To Sexually Humiliate Others in westeros. but it's significant that their first interaction is theon sexually belittling ramsay. it sets ramsay up to have a chip on his shoulder about how theon treated him when he was his prisoner, and specifically sets up the possibility of sexual humiliation in retaliation for theon's sexual humiliation of him. definitely not a proportional response but ramsay's a terrifyingly violent man who doesn't have proportionate responses to anything.

it is also significant imo that ramsay tells theon that he hasn't fucked anyone since they arrested him. you could read this neutrally and you wouldn't be wrong. but i read this as ramsay setting his intentions/explaining his frustrations. telling prettyboy in ned stark's chair that he hasn't fucked anyone in too long.

also, it's established here that palla has already been raped and brutalized by theon's men. this is further clarified in theon's next chapter when bran and rickon escape and he tells her father farlen to ready the dogs to go find them because he's [theon] the only thing keeping her safe from further assault.

"reek" swearing allegiance to house greyjoy in bran vi; this is an example you could also easily say i'm reading too much into, but i think it's important

i read ramsay in theon's acok chapters as purposefully sexually threatening. you could say my knowledge of what's to come (theon's torture and sexual assault in adwd) is influencing me here and that ramsay isn't being sexually intimidating but i would disagree. i get the heebie jeebies reading these interactions and it's because they make me think of what it feels like to be covertly sexually threatened by someone bigger and stronger than you

importantly i'll note that i don't think theon reads any of these interactions as sexually threatening, because he's blind to the scale of ramsay's threat and because he is a man who does not see himself as sexually vulnerable so he wouldn't interpret anything ramsay says to him as a threat of sexual violence

but to me, ramsay bartering for status here is him testing the waters for establishing a tit-for-tat dynamic later on. he's trying to get close to theon to put himself into a position of influence with enough trust that he will be able to leave winterfell and bring roose's garrison from the dreadfort. and that kind of trust will only come from theon owing him something, so he starts discussing trades early on. i'll wash if you set me free.

it's a very simple exchange and i think you can write it off neutrally but this is the first of their many exchanges, sets the initial power dynamic between them, and is a bodily exchange. i'll wash, if you'll have me as your man. could i have phrased it differently? sure.

establishment of terms in theon v; this is another this-for-that exchange between ramsay and theon and it's one that's very clearly negotiated

"he had gone too far with reek to turn back now" is a line that i think has clear connotations of sexual violence, specifically to theon. to me it calls to mind when a woman is being physical with a man, doesn't want to go further than a certain point, but it pressured/forced into doing things she isn't comfortable with.

the line as-is in context is of course, very literally about sexual violence. theon is conceding to giving this girl, who two of his men have already raped, to ramsay, who he knows will hurt her even more. theon understands even as he makes this deal that this is wrong, that he shouldn't/doesn't want to be doing this, but he tells us (the audience listening to his narration) that he's trapped. he has no other choice. he can't turn back now.

theon calls back to the pigfucking because he feels powerless in this situation, backed into a corner, and is purposefully referencing a time only a few days ago when he was the one with the upper hand

it's also relevant that one of ramsay's justifications for having palla in exchange for 200 men is that she's "damaged goods" anyway

there is, obviously, no situation where a man being "given" a woman in exchange for his service is telling you he'd like to have a mutually consensual relationship with her. but specifically ramsay is clarifying that palla has already been raped, so it's fair game to rape her again. the damage has "already been done" so what's another assailant?

this is part of what nosafeanchorage mentioned about theon both being a rapist himself (the captain's daugher + kyra, at least) and being complicit in rape (palla)

so this passage is relevant for the pigfucking comment, the transactional exchange, the "he had gone too far to turn back now", and theon's agreement to sell palla into sexual slavery/potential death

which all brings us to:

the end of theon vi; i think in the examples above i've been clear in how i view ramsay's interactions with theon to be allusions to/threats of sexual violence, and that all comes to a head here

ramsay's lips are often described as 'glistening' or 'wet' probably because he's a husky mouthbreather, but the movement right before he calls theon "his sweet prince" of wiping his mouth with the back of his hand is sexually predatory to me. like he's drooling at the thought.

also ramsay calling theon "my sweet prince" here is very purposeful. it's been "m'lord prince" until now, and this is the very first sign that the sexual humiliation is tipping in the other direction. it's a belittling pet name.

ramsay explains that he wants kyra instead of palla, but i think there's more emphasis on kyra being theon's bedwarmer. it's not that she smells better or is prettier, it's that she's theon's, and the scales are tipping now. their positions of power are changing.

also the fact that ramsay backhands him to me is a parallel to common images of domestic violence when men beat their wives. he doesn't punch him, or strike him with the pommel of his sword, or beat him with his shield. he backhands him. that's not. necessarily. a gendered form of violence. but to me it calls to mind a very specific image of domestic abuse.

i actually dislike calling what ramsay does to theon "abuse" because i think "torture" is simply more accurate and descriptive. but this specific interaction has always felt very gendered to me. specifically the image of a woman being struck by her partner for talking back.

i'll also include my friend's response to this when i was going crazy over this same excerpt because i think he distilled the Vibe very successfully

and then here's me

did someone order a [garrison of 200 sworn swords]? i did but i don't have any [sworn swords left of my own]

tysm for asking me to share my thoughts ~

[johannestevans]

Okay so similarly to last anon about topping as a trans guy/trans masc, how do you build the confidence within yourself to top someone with a penis? Cause my partner is super kind and willing to let me learn but I struggle with my own mental barrier of lime not being "manly" enough or confident enough for topping. I know a lot of it is internalized transphobia but I just wasn't sure if you had any past experiences that helped you over come that or other fears surrounding newness and such.

my directory of work / / tip jar

That sounds like a tough set of feelings that are all mixed up together!

I'm gonna unpack some gender stuff and ungendering things first, and then specifically get onto feelings of masculinity, because I think those are two separate mental processes that are (understandably) tangled up.

Before I go on, though, there's a lot of thoughts and exercises I'm going through in this essay, and I just want to say that more valuable than anything I'm about to say re: your sexual relationship with your partner, is to talk to them.

]Everything below is ontological gender thoughts and then feelings about your own confidence and masculinity, but given that the important thing here is your sexual chemistry and dynamic and relationship while the two of you fuck, their feelings and thoughts might well be super valuable here!

Even if you just say, "Hey, I asked this pretty writer fag for advice because I've been feeling these feelings and it's been tough for me, would you also like to read what he said?", that might be very helpful and valuable!

All these big feelings and big problems often feel less big when we share them with those we love and are intimate with. A problem shared is a problem halved - an insecurity shared with a trusted someone is one that can be soothed and be specifically treated with gentle gloves. If your partner doesn't know about it, they can't do that!

Anyway, on to me talking too much:

Me and my boyfriend were at a kink event yesterday that was very straight-dominated, and one thing that sort of occurred to us that we don't tend to think about, because we're not really in community with cishets and their sexual culture, is that for a lot of cishets, "pegging" - a cis man being penetrated with a strap-on, by a woman or by someone else without a cock, is in itself considered a kink.

And Lewis was like, "And that's ridiculous because it's just like... It's the woman topping. It's not special or important because it's just two people in a relationship and she's the one topping, but because they're straight, it becomes about him being humiliated and her dominating him when it's literally just normal."

And he's obviously right, like...

People often assume that in a sexual dynamic:

the top = the dominant partner = the more masculine partner

the bottom = the submissive partner = the more feminine partner

But the act of topping or bottoming (which I'm using in this context to refer to someone being the penetrating or penetrated partner, although "top" and "bottom" are often used to refer to a partner acting versus a partner acted upon, which is explored and discussed a lot in this glorious piece, Top or Bottom: How do we desire? from The New Inquiry a few years ago) is not in itself an act of domination or submission.

You mention not being confident enough to top, and link that confidence with your masculinity - do you think of topping as an inherently more confident act than bottoming? Is there a certain security you associate with topping, or a certain certainty of thought or intention, that you might not ascribe to bottoming, because you think of bottoming as passive and topping as active?

To be penetrated is not to be subjugated, nor is penetration in itself an act of subjugation, or emasculation, or even domination.

But while we still think of penetration as domination, we automatically association that act of domination with masculinity, with butchness, with being (as in the essay) the brute, with being the actor upon the acted, with being the "active" (as opposed to passive) partner, etc, because in cishetero ideals of sex, sex is something done by the man to the woman.

But you know trans girls that top, do you not? Whether that's them fucking boys or girls or other people entirely, there are trans woman who top. They are not less feminine for doing so, they're certainly not less womanly.

And you know cis men that bottom, yes? And not just twinky, effete, fairy boys who are fruity with lisps and grabbable hips and pretty eyes - there are big, hypermasculine butch men with glistening muscles and thatches of thick hair on their tits who just stepped out of a Tom of Finland poster who love to be fucked. It might well be those ethereal fairy boys who are doing the fucking.

Perhaps they like to be bent over and fucked - perhaps they like to lie back and cup the faces of their partner and coax them into fucking him, smiling sweetly, saying, "That's it, come into me, you're doing so well, yes," and treating it as an act of love and tenderness, but also, one in which he is still undeniably in control and the dominant party, but not by way of typical masculine, patriarchal performance. It can be anything it wants to be, depending on what the parties involved are intending, what they're thinking, feeling.

What the fucking signifies and what it means is in the eye of the fucker.

Is a cis woman topping her cis man boyfriend masculine? Is she actually taking away his masculinity, or is she having any for her own? Is she less or more feminine because she uses a strap-on? Is it more or less so if it's matched to the colour of her flesh?

What if it's pink?

And all of what I've just said really assumes a binary of tenders, of the transfeminine and transmasculine as extensions of the cisfeminine and cismasculine, as parallels of their gender thinking that in themselves are, you know, constructed by the dominant culture - white Western imperial culture, where that binary was constructed and where those boxes exist to oppress and to control, through a flimsy defence of "biology" and also through constructed social roles.

How much do you believe in that stuff?

Play it out as a mental exercise - make a list (you don't have to write it down, you can just think about it in your head) of the sex acts you and your current partner do together, and the sex acts you've done with other partners, and other sex acts that you've dreamed about or fantasised about, and ask yourself...

Do I think of this sex act as more masculine or feminine or is it gender-neutral, or do I think it's genderfucky in some way? If it's genderfucky, in what ways is it genderfucky?

Is it genderfucky because it particularly adheres to or particularly subverts certain gender roles in or outside of the bedroom? Is it genderfucky because it exists in some way outside of the gender binary for you, whether that makes it genderless or genderful, or abstracts it to some entirely different kinds of gender?

For example, if a cisgender man is penetrated by someone else's homegrown cock, how does that feel, genderwise? What if it's someone else's cock as a strap-on? Does the colour or consistency or size of that cock matter in the equation? What if the person penetrating him is an android, and their cock is part of their body, but it's metal or silicon or otherwise matched to their robotic body? What if the person penetrating him is someone who's had a phalloplasty, and their penis was made via surgery and a cool skin graft from their arm? What if it's a fantasy universe where the person did have a clitoris, but they drank a potion and it turned into an average or more-sized typical cock? What if the person penetrating the man is a tentacle monster or some other kind of alien creature, and they do not conform with the bipedal constraint of the human form?

What if all of that is the same, but the cisgender man being penetrated is now a transgender man? What if all this happens to a transgender woman? What if all this happens to a cisgender woman? What if all that happens to a nonbinary person?

If that nonbinary person was assigned female at birth, or if they were assigned male at birth, does that change your feelngs or your assumptions? Why? If that person has had different surgeries of their own - phalloplasties or vaginoplasties, penectomies or mastectomies, metoidioplasties, or any other kind of genital reconstructive surgeries? Does that change anything?

And that's just the act of penetration, but you can think of any other kind of act that you do during sex or as a lead up to sex - kissing, massage, biting, frotting, using a vibrator, nipple play, spanking, dressing up, etc etc. How does gender play into it? What are you gendering, and what are you not gendering? What about the language you use? Say, calling a cis man's chest his tits or boobies or breasts or his mommy milkers, but calling a cis woman's chest her pecs or her chest, or even her man boobs?

What acts do you see as adhered to specific gender identities or presentations or ideas of gender, and which acts are more flexible or unattached? Why are they different? What makes them different?

So that's part one of this, yes?

And all of that is. A lot of thinking and a lot of ruminating, and by no means am I saying you have to sit down and get it all done tonight like it's homework due tomorrow - that's more a set of thoughts and ideas that you can start unpacking as they come to you? As you think of new things, you can play with those thoughts and unpack them, and compare them and contrast them to each other, and see how much actively thinking about and deconstructing them in your head changes your feelings about them - and how much your feelings stay the same.

No matter what thoughts come up as you go through this, no matter what biases you find you have, or thoughts you find that you don't agree with once you start examining them, that is okay. There is nothing wrong or bad about how you think or feel.

None of the above is intended to lecture you, none of the above is intended to make you feel bad or insecure or like you've done wrong by having different thoughts or feelings about the different genders of things.

You have not transgressed by holding a bias, or by thinking of a sex act as masc or fem rather than neutral, or anything similar.

You have not transgressed. You have not sinned. You have thought thought bad thoughts, and subsequently are a bad person, or a bad queer, or a bad trans person.

This business of unpacking and untangling gender and sexuality from specific sex acts, of ungendering things or adjusting our lenses of gender, is hard and difficult and complicated work. Many thousands of essays have been written on this subject by other queer people, by BIPOC, by disabled people, by trans people, by intersex people, by everyone who has not been written into the constructed white imperial gender binary and its associated ideals of sex (which themselves have been escalated and fine-tuned and commercialised because of capitalism and other forms of white cultural supremacy), because it is hard and difficult to do. Because these are things we all have to unlearn, which is difficult!

A lot of these feelings, when we start unpacking them, cause us pain and make us feel discomfort, nausea, dysphoria, shame, uncertainty, fear.

They make us feel that way because by our existence, we are transgressing - because we exist in the way that we do, outside of this constructed binary (and unwilling or unable to conform to it, or at least feign / perform conformity), we disrupt it and we break its rules and we twist it and we bend it. Simply by being, we do those things.

And then when we start to look inward and really start doing that work, it can feel insurmountable and impossible and agonising, because how are we to unpick a framework which we've been sewn into our whole lives? How can we unpick our threads from a tapestry when we're sewn into it with surgical thread?

It's not our fault. It's not your fault or my fault, it is not our partners' faults, it's not even our parents' fault or our teachers' fault or any individuals' fault.

But it's a process.

So. Coming away from the broader thought exercises and zeroing in on your personal feelings about your own body, your own gender, your own role during sex.

How do you feel more manly? How do you feel more confident? How do you get past that barrier and feel "ready" to top?

If you want to top while feeling in control...

Does your partner normally top you? What positions do they usually top you in? Are there any positions they top you in that make you feel more vulnerable in some way, more controlled by them, in a way that you enjoy? Do you think that using those positions, you would then feel more like you're in control?

Would you feel more confident, for example, topping doggy style rather than in missionary?

Have you considered fingering your partner first and penetrating them not while fucking them, but during some other activity? So, blowing them while also fingering them, or using toys on them? Using a vibrator or a dildo on them while giving them a handjob? Even watching them fuck themselves on a vibrator or dildo while you give instructions - so not touching them or moving them down on it, but they only move as instructed by you?

All of those are playing with you being in control and dominating while they're also being penetrated, but is not necessarily topping them while fucking them with your own cock - you can use them to ease yourself more into the mental role or more of the confidence of what you want, rather than plunging directly in (pun intended).

There's roleplay, where you could play out a specific fantasy or wear a particular costume or outfit or something similar, that lets you feel more or at your most manly and confident, so that it's easy to really lean into a butch persona if that doesn't normally come naturally to you?

If you think you'd be more confident topping while ceding some control, have you thought about different positions for that? For example, you lying back and your partner riding you, and easing themselves down onto you?

Or you topping them while they instruct you exactly how to move, or you're being guided by them, acting more in the service top area?

Another option is double-ended dildos! I'm not sure how comfortable you are bottoming or being penetrated, but if you do enjoy such things, a double-ended dildo means neither of you are topping, but you're both bottoming, and that can be somewhere interesting to start that's focused on the sensation and experience together.

All of the above you can then use to transition into topping your partner more the way you first envisioned, or first fantasied about.

Sorry that's a lot to chew on, Anon, but I hope it helps and I wish you love and luck! Like I said to the other guy that asked about topping, so much of this is like...

Because it's new and because you haven't done it before, it can feel like it's a huge and impossible thing, and then once you do do it, a lot of that mystique and that sense of infinity (infinite things that can go right, infinite things that can go wrong, infinite emotions one way or the other) fades away a bit!

[k3llyb3an]

Please tell me about Sir Pentious (your special snake man)!! OwO

2, 7, 12, and 24!!!

I let this sit for so long I forgot what numbers these questions pertained to and had to go digging through my nightmare of an untagged hellscape blog to find them again -- ALRIGHT LETS GO!!!

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

My favorite canon thing about Sir Pentious is that by being in hell it's clear that however he lived his life, he wasn't a good person. But even though he's not a good person he's not a bad enough person to really succeed in any meaningful way when it comes to being in hell either.

There's a scene where the Vees -- who are all very successful at being their worst selves -- discuss putting a mole in the Hazbin Hotel and in prior scenes you can see the kind of lesser sinners who are all employed by them but still offer some sort of value to them. And then they discuss needing a sinner who's even more pathetic, more desperate and worth less than every down on their luck sinner they've already employed. Yet memorable enough in these qualities to immediately seek them out -- which ends up being Sir Pentious.

There's something very interesting to me about someone who wasn't a good enough person to end up topside but even when they try as hard as they can to indulge in their worst qualities they're not terrible enough to make any kind of impact in a place where terrible people thrive. It's a fun dichotomy to play with.

Charlie forgave him for betraying her trust in him and she was kind to him when he was at his lowest and there's something so endearing about him internalizing that second chance and that kindness and wanting to return it to her a thousand fold. He wanted to be a better person because she knew he could be a better person even if he wasn't able to see that himself in a place where you're encouraged to indulge every vice and flaw you have.

7. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

Something the fandom does when it comes to Sir Pentious that I like is they all draw his human form with this black luxurious long hair and I'm so into it. It's anachronistic for his time period sure but I love designs that play around with physical and societal expectations of gender. If he doesn't have it in his human form canonly I'm going to be despondent. Also he needs some grey in there.

Also since he died when he was 40-something towards the end of the Victorian era everyone draws him with eyebags and sickly with visible cheekbones and it's so much more fun than seeing hot young tumblr twink #13245241.

And some of the fandom pretty much decided he's bottom heavy and a little overweight which I adore because I'm constantly craving some body type diversity -- and Hazbin Hotel is a canon that desperately needs it.

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

A headcanon that I have for this character is that he was dumped in the room with the other seraphim because he shook up the order of things so much through his redemption that he is a seraphim now. His new form in heaven has a few attributes that both Emily and Sera have also seem to have?

Also Lucifer (who in this canon is supposed to be a fallen seraphim angel i think) and Sir Pentious have many qualities in common so they would be an interesting foil to one another as the seraphim who fell to hell with sinners and the sinner who rose to heaven as a seraphim.

And he kept his snake form when he ascended, is heavily associated with fire, and his most impressive invention is his zeppelin he used to fly around hell in which could all have been a nod to one of the meanings of seraphim being 'fiery flying serpent.'

If he's not that's fine too because I think being able to improve yourself as a person and letting love into your heart is peak but I think it would be a neat little perk for the first redeemed sinner in all perpetuity. Also it'd cause nothing but problems for heaven which I'd love.

24. What other character from another fandom of yours that reminds you of them?

Another character from another fandom that reminds you of them is… mmm. He's a little bit of feliks (silly and inventive) and a little bit of roderich (soft and quick to anger) and a little bit of francis (pathetic and romantic) if you ask me.

[genericwizard]

Venti :3

Ehe... under the read more for space

How I feel about this character Venti makes me unwell, he also makes me want to live so it all works out. He was my first love in Genshin and also my strongest. He is my forever favorite, even if I accept other characters may do more, be more, he is my one and only clown husband. I cried when I had to leave Mondstadt without him (and rejoiced that we'd never be apart once I rolled for him three months later). He inspired me to leave my shitty job. Character of all time to me.

All the people I ship romantically with this character I am the KaeVen CEO for a reason....... this is the only ship for the character that matters to me because I see so much intrigue. There's the mortal/immortal aspects of it but also because they are very similar characters IMO. They're both "outsiders" in their own home. People don't trust them because they're hiding behind their smile. Neither like taking credit for their good deeds or that their reputation precedes them, etc. I like the drama of "how could they ever forgive me for what I've done?" "am I worthy of being loved/ allowing myself to fall in love?" "I didn't think you of all people would understand me". And they've had more substantial moments in canon together than frankly any other Venti ship, but who's counting?

When I don't have brain worms I actually like exes zhongven a lot, I think they had a longstanding relationship that doesn't work out for various reasons, and they probably know each other quite well, or at least they used to. I also like RosaVen in a genderweird way, Rosaria realizing she thinks he's annoyingly cute and doesn't know what to do about it is fun. I also like one-sided Venlumi and Venti/Vanessa, because I know he longs for powerful women who don't reciprocate in that way... sigh.

My non-romantic OTP for this character One no one will mention- Miko + Venti friendship is S tier, I love that he gossips with her over drinks. I also prefer platonic XiaoVen, they're close but not in that way to me. As mentioned I also like Venlumi, and I'll take platonic KaeVen too since I eat crumbs. Historically I care about his relationships with Vanessa and NB but I am fixated on Venti in the current timeline so I don't think about them much.

My unpopular opinion (s) about this character Hoo boy. Well for one I actually don't like his archon design very much. I kind of dislike some of the elements that I think don't make sense on his body and also were only shown in the comic depiction, like his glowing anemo tattoos or w/e, I don't really get the point of those so I omit them in my writing. His archon design and all the discussion around it bleeds into my dislike of people who label him a tr*p or something similar/worse. Despite this, very pro Venti as a sex-haver, I don't think there's anything wrong with sexualizing him, I just have my own icks. Also pro Venti having weird gender, even if I still prefer he/him pronouns for him.

I guess I dislike that people distrust him so much. It's like, sure, he's withholding info from us, but to assume that means he has ulterior, evil motives makes 0 sense to me. I also don't like corrupted Venti for the same reason. He's fine. He just has the usual kinds of despair, from the existential crisis of his existence, perception of time, and all the loss he's faced that drive him to sleep for hundreds of years at a time. Far more tangible reasons to be "corrupted" to me than "ooooh the abyss made him Evilllll" Besides, Celestia made all that is forbidden evil, even if he is full of abyssal knowledge/power that's not a good metric of someone's morality when Celestia is our main antagonist!

I guess thinking Kaeya is his best ship is unpopular, but that's redundant ATP.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

Carmen Dei: Chapter II. Or really any new story/event appearance where he's allowed to be more than a glorified emcee / convenient plot starter.

[bisolationist]

You know being a woman abused by a woman I feel like I will never ever be able to connect with them fully.

Like even if we get along and all that I know it's all conditional. That kindness and female/feminist solidarity they all talk about is all conditional.

The second I mention the sex of my abuser and suddenly I'm seen as a gender traitor, they turn angry and attack me. And like you said now I know too much like I can't be expected to trust women, let my guard down with them stand with them etc...

And when I say this the way people talk to me its like sooo condescending like yeah I know misogyny is still a thing I'm a woman too !!! But you can't tell me to ignore women's wrongdoings towards me because men are worse.

Truth is they'll only show me kindness if I had the right type of abuser, went through the right type of abuse and had the right type of sexuality.

I mean I remember whne there was this girl who kind of did something sexual to me I told her to stop but I just kind of like gave in and whne she told everyone about what happened all my female friends were acting super weird towards me as if I was some sort of creep and then when I told them what happened they said smth along the lines of oh come on youre like down for everything (just bc I was seen as bi).

And the problem is I can't discuss this anywhere like literally anywhere if I post smth on my blog I'll have feminists and women say to me oh but you don't know hwo society treats mothers maybe she doing the best she could, oh well that never happened to me etc etc... like I can't deal with this. And on normal spaces like men don't care they'll use my abuse as an excuse to be misogynistic it's such an isolating experience. I don't expect feminists to fight for me like feminism is about female liberation they don't owe me anything but why did they have to go out of their way to attack me, mock me, call me a liar, belittle what happened to me, tell me I'm exaggerating, treat me as If I was betraying tye feminist cause for speaking up like i was a fucking mra, and I'm not even allowed to let my abuse affect me if I have one negative sentiment towards women I'm a pick me I'm sexist I'm this I'm that.

Sorry for this fucking wall of text I'm tired of them treating me this way then turn around and pretend it's not happening you knwo

I'm really sorry it took me a while to get to this. I think I'm starting to dread looking in my inbox and I keep putting it off.

Obviously I'm not in exactly the same boat as you, so I can't fully address the parts about being a woman. But you're definitely not alone - all of the women in your position *I've* talked to feel the same. I have at least one friend that's voiced very similar things (don't worry I asked for permission before linking; she said she'd be open to talking to you if you want). And while I haven't experienced it first hand... I mean... I've seen it. I've seen the anger and vitriol that gets sent you way, the way your trauma is scoured for any excuse to be dismissed, the way you get excoriated as anti-feminists for not pretending it's a lesser deal. Not that you need me to reaffirm it, but you're definitely not crazy.

And I do understand the loneliness. Sometimes I wonder if this is why I subconsciously isolate myself despite having lots of people that express they care about me, enjoy my company, etc. Because I can't fully trust any of them would take this topic seriously, and I just... couldn't bear it if they didn't. Sometimes trying to find people that will accept this, *and* my bisexuality, and have compatible values... I don't know, it feels way too unlikely you know? And that's just for friendship, throw in attraction/sexual compatibility in there and it's like... do these people exist...

The condescension is unbearable. Again, obviously not the same for me, but I'm so TIRED of people throwing it in my face like I'm saying misogyny isn't real? It's so frustrating that bringing this topic up at all invariably gets me listed as an MRA despite my beliefs being the opposite? Or they tell me things like that men are more likely to be the perpetrators against either sex... as if they ever took me seriously with that either? Either way, my bisexuality gets used against me, too. I don't think I've ever been in a situation where the excuses ran out - I guess that's the really disappointing thing. There's always someone willing to come to bat for these people, and they always try to justify their view as the moral and sensible one.

If you feel like you're suffocating about it all, I think you might as well blog about it. Who else are you going to blog for? It's your life! You're the only one that can give your voice power. But at the same time - yeah you're going to get weirdos and rape apologists. If that's too much to bear, that's completely understandable, too.

Anyway I'm not sure I managed to say anything new, but I hope you know I believe your experiences and how you've felt. I hope you know I'm angry on your behalf because you don't deserve to deal with any of the bullshit of how people treat you for it.

[roundearthsociety]

This is going to be a tad personal but how do you manage to be trans and catholic? Some of the biggest anti trans voices like Matt Walsh, Michael Knowles and Desantis base their views off that religion. Many trans people on here, Reddit and IRL have nothing but disdain for Catholicism because of the Vatican’s statements and how they’ve been treated. Likewise, a lot of Catholics I’ve seen on tumblr, Reddit and various forums view it as a sin, mental illness or pedophilia and oppose affirming care as well as IVF.

I’m an American exvangelical, who does have some conservative Catholic family members, and I’m trying to broaden my perspective a bit rather than writing Catholicism off as an irredeemable, hateful colonizer ideology and viewing paganism and Reform Judaism as the only valid religions like most Tumblr users do. How do you put up with it when many refuse to affirm it, including the pope who’s still very conservative? I’m not asking to attack your beliefs but are simply curious whether there’s more nuance than people will claim.

This is something that's a bit hard to answer, as someone who's not that good a theologian nor that good at theory. Plus, I'm not side A, so I wouldn't be all that good at discussing Catholicism While Queer with you I suspect. Anyway I will be assuming you, the reader, have got some level of legitimate Christian faith. Because otherwise I'm not sure how to like. Give you that.

So let me preface all of this by recommending you look into queer Catholic organizations such as New Ways Ministry, or especially DignityUSA which I've heard good things about. There are also some Tumblr bloggers on the more affirming side of things, most of them aren't really doing all that much advocacy work either but you might find it interesting to scroll through, idk, and-her-saints or shoutsofmybones's blogs for example, and take a look.

Also: you don't have to give up on Christianity entirely if you can't / would rather not be Catholic! Even if the specific ritual and community aspect is especially important to you, the Episcopal Church is probably decently well implanted where you live and is worth looking into, especially since it doesn't have the embedded political elements that the US Catholic Church tends to have.

As for my own personal answer below - please don't bother to get mad at me for this, it's like 4AM and I'm not too interested in writing a thesis here.

Gender-wise it's honestly pretty straightforward. I know I function better being generally recognized as another sex than I was assigned at birth, with characteristics to match; everything else in terms of gender roles names etc is really just getting a lil silly with it ngl. This is neither especially uncommon nor especially new, and the generally recognized way to deal with this has long been to just let people do their thing. While there are issues with the way that's being done (hey! you should freeze your gametes if that's available to you! don't count on never wanting kids, especially if you're a teenager! trust me on this one.), a lot of the modern discourse around it boils down to "this is disgusting to me so it must be morally wrong". And like, I'm a biologist, I can't really find it in myself to be grossed out by this stuff anymore.

Anyway the Church is far from a monolith. Even at the institutional level there's plenty of tolerance; my home diocese is based in a large and ancient Mediterranean city so God knows it's had ages to get used to the weird shit, not counting the handful of trad strongholds. My understanding of the situation in the US is that it's Kind Of Really Not That though, so I'd strongly recommend heavily looking into your local Catholic diocese and parishes before making any moves, because Catholic faith and practice are a very community-bound thing and it's not really something you can do at a distance. Thankfully though, once you start avoiding the political activists trying to use faith as a means to an end (as is the case for most of the people you cite in your ask), you'll find that it's relatively more chill than you'd think. Let me elaborate.

My own case is complicated enough that I can't reasonably apply any of the details to this, but ultimately what's important to note here is that Christianity is functionally about how everyone is flawed, and everyone fucks up, and sure you'll be forgiven but you've got to own up to it first. The members of the Church, even the Pope, even (most of) the Saints in their earthly lives, are no exception. They can be misguided, fearful, or just plain hateful; in such circumstances, it's on them to do better, not on you to adapt to their flaws, and they know this if they're honest to themselves. This, in turn, must apply just as much to you and me; as a Christian, you (generic) have everything you need to do better, and to know anything that prevents you from loving other people is probably not the way to go.

But anyway yeah. I'm trans and Catholic because both of those are just kinda who I am, and I don't intend to stop being either because I'm not interested in replacing myself with the cop in my head. So the Church can have fun with that.

[hopedefined]

Name: Anna Marie "Rogue" Lebeau

Nickname(s): does 'anna' technically count as a nickname discuss

Relationship Status: polyamorous, married to two primary partners

Gender: cis woman

Romantic Orientation: bisexual & biromantic

Preferred Pet Names: lover, darlin', sugar, baby

Opinion on True Love: spent too long pushin' it away an' now I'll fight for every moment we've got left

Opinion on Love at First Sight: look, she likes to think she was always too practical to believe in it outside of storybooks. however. it must be love is one of the first things remy ever said to her and if someone has ever made her believe, it's him

How ‘Romantic’ Are They?: I don't think it's any secret that she's a romantic at heart. full romantic, oil-painted covers and hallmark movies and all. I love you at the drop of a hat, pet names, just because kind of romantic. anna marie spent a long time pushing that down as something she would only ever experience through fiction, and reaching a point where she's able to express it is something she'll never take for granted.

Ideal Physical Traits: strong, longer hair, great ass

Ideal Personality Traits: quick-witted, affectionate, loyal, funny, adventurous

Unattractive Physical Traits: lack of hygiene, I guess? not a huge fan of scales. uhhh.

Unattractive Personality Traits: selfish, immoral, boring, wishy-washy

Ideal Date: if we're talking a go out and kinda date? dancing, racing, horseback riding--a shared experience that can get a little bit of adrenaline up. she's also a sucker for simple, sweet things like picnics and lazy movie nights.

Do They Have a Type?: canonically--

Average Relationship Length: the major ones were complicated and on-and-off-again enough that it really depends on how you count. even if she'd had the chance, though, she's never been the type for one night stands or quick flings with strangers. don't get me wrong, she's a flirt. but she doesn't do intimacy halfway.

Preferred Non-Sexual Intimacy: casual touch (wouldn't you glut yourself on it, after everything?). domesticity--the amount this woman treasures being able to wake up and brush her teeth and feed the cats and have to go to home depot for light bulbs with her partners is insane. conversation. getting better at communication has been a journey for anna, but it means so much to her when she trusts in it.

Commitment Level: high. if she cares about you, it's deep and constant even if she is sometimes too willing to believe that that love and trust was misplaced.

Opinion of Public Affection: in almost all circumstances if anna marie had her way she and her partners would be the living embodiment of the IS THIS ALLOWED vine. luckily she does in fact care about not setting a bad example for students and can be convinced to give a shit about the innocent eyes of other onlookers. mostly.

Past Relationships?: almost entirely might-have-beens. cody, wade, robert...magneto is arguably the most serious relationship she had pre-settling down™️

tagged by: @thwipsthrown tagging: @backwaterscum @asoulofstars @ficklefables @amischiefofmuses

[littleshysheep-at-da]

All my Persona Series Ships!

(Felt like Posting this here, keep y’all Updated. I made this as Google Doc to send to people when I know they also like Persona so I don’t have to say it everytime)

I actually am a crazy Shipper, strongly dislike when people don’t Ship or break my Pairings, and am OTP/OT3 for life. I just also have Self Restraint and Common Sense, so I understand Shipping's all about fun (and doesn't have to be Canon Compliant or make sense) and to not be an asshole to other people having their own fun.

Also adding Sexuality/LGBTA+ Headcanons for ones I have them for (but I don't have them for every Ship or Specific Character). Also yes I am caring about Name Order here.

-Persona 5 (and it’s many Spin-Offs):

Akira (Gay) x Goro (Demi)

Ann (Lesbain) x Shiho

Haru (Bi) x Ryuji (Bi)

Futaba (Ace) x Yusuke (Ace Pan)

Makoto (Lesbain) x Kasumi (Bi)

Toshiro x Eri

Sojiro x Wakaba

Sae x Kawakami

Tae x Chihaya

-Persona 3:

Hamuko (Bi) x Minato (Bi)

Aigis x Hamuko or Minato

Ryoji x Hamuko or Minato

Fuuka x Natsuki

Mitsuru (Lesbain) x Yukari (Bi)

Junpei (Straight) x Chidori

Shinjiro (Bi) x Akihiko (Bi)

-Persona 4:

Yosuke (Bi) x Souji (Pan)

Yukiko (Bi) x Chie (Lesbain)

Naoto (Nonbinary) x Kanji (Pan)

-Persona 2:

Tatsuya (Bi) x Jun (Gay)

Eikichi x Miyabi

Ship Numbers (because Autism)

P5 = 9 | P3 = 7 | P4 = 3 | P2 = 2 | Total 21

Gender Breakdown 18/21 Ships

(not counting Kannao or Aigis and Ryoji)

M/F = 7| M/M = 4 | F/F = 7

Other Ship Notes:

I personally DO NOT see the Protags as self inserts. I think they all have their own personalities. So I don’t really have any self insert ships were I ship them just because I want to date a character, but I do understand some people have those.

Akira and Goro are a massive call back to Tatsuya and Jun from Persona 2, and Tatsuya and Jun are written with the intent to be romantic. Though I think after the third semester I usually don’t have to explain why I feel like Akira and Goro is an obvious Ship, it’s one of those you can totally have a different preference but you understand what I'm getting at right?

I reeeally hope I don’t have to explain that Futaba and Akira are in sibling dynamic so Shipping them would be gross.

Kasumi’s infatuation with Akira makes ZERO SENSE. The only people who see through your delinquent deguise is Goro (because soulmates narrative foil) and Ryuji (who doesn’t see through he’s just a good boy who trusts everyone), so Kasumi seeing through it makes NO SENSE. If she were to follow anyone around saying “Senpei” I think it would be Makoto.

Rise’s feral one sided thirsty crush on Souji is very funny to me (and I love playing it for comedy) but I don’t think he would ever reciprocate it. Her love just feels a bit too superficial, and Souji has too many issues of not being seen for himself for me to like it as a Ship.

I do think Yukari had a crush on Minato and I think Minato would be willing to try dating her, but I feel their love languages would be too different and it would end in disaster. Minato seems like the little actions and subtle comfort where Yukari seems like she would want big romantic gestures (something Mitsuru would do for her).

I will say with all Persona Romance Routes I am very much not a Fan of the Pandering that is “Girl likes you for no real reason” (it’s honestly just a boring Romance to me) and would’ve liked if more of the Girls just weren’t Romanceable so we could just have more Male/Female Friendships. I feel (aside from the stand out VERY BAD ones) a lot of the Romance Routes aren’t that bad, just don’t mesh well with the Tone and Tension of the rest of the Game (they’re kind Mundane and Boring in comparison to the Relationships I ACTUALLY Ship). But my Opinion on Persona Romance Routes as a whole would be a completely different discussion than Ships.

Update cause I forgot:

It’s necessary to say this so I don’t get Canceled; Hamuko and Minato are Canonically Two Halves of the Same Soul, some people choose to see that as Siblings and some people choose to see that as Soulmates. I used to prefer Siblings but now I prefer Soulmates. Either is fine but don’t mix em is all.

When I say Kasumi I usually actually mean Sumire. Sorry it’s partly cause it’s a Spoiler and partly cause I never got in the Habit of calling her by her Real Name. So unless Specific Context assume when I say Kasumi I mean Sumire. I just don’t feel like going back and changing it everywhere I’ve said it.

[hatchetation]

Hello I would very much like to see you expand more on the different ways Kate and Lucy give off being queer 👀

Okayyy I'm so glad you asked!! So here were the tags:

#but i do know that lucy tara comes across as suuuuuper gay to me in the way she interacts with the world#even outside of being with kate she reads as queer to me#and i will say i also think tori is a great actress and i also get a super queer vibe from kate outside of lucy#and just as a further caveat#i know that not all queer people carry themselves in the same way. in fact lucy and kate read as queer to me but in v different ways

I may have gone overboard in this response so TL;DR: It's all about the vibes and their vibes are GAY!

I'm gonna start with Lucy. Lucy Tara is too gay to function. I'm kind of joking but also to me Lucy is the sort of queer person who cannot help but be herself. I think that she's always kind of liked girls and whenever she fully had her sexual awakening, there was no hiding it from herself or anyone else. I'm not saying that she didn't /try/ to hide it or that she hasn't gone through some shit related to being queer--it honestly wouldn't surprise me if we learn that her family took time to come around to her being gay. But I think it was hard for her to be anyone but herself. Relatedly, there's the way that Lucy refused to be Kate's dirty little secret back in season 1. Hidden away, wrapped up in shame in the shadows is just not who Lucy is. It very much felt like she was going against her nature for the few eps where she agreed for them to keep their relationship on the DL.

Imo, Lucy is also the type of friend who could listen to all of your problems and you could feel so close to her but then later you'd realize that she hadn't said anything about herself. Maybe that seems contradictory but to me it all kind of hangs together for her as a queer character: she's open about who she is but perhaps a bit wary about who she really trusts and brings into her inner circle (on the show we really only see her interact with characters she trusts so...could be cool to see her with someone she doesn't trust!).

Last thing about Lucy--it's literally just the way she walks and talks and dresses like she does not give a shit what any man thinks about her. What I mean by this is less about binary gender and more about how the life she's trying to live is outside the patriarchy…It's the way she punched Jesse on the arm back in season 1 and the way she also punched ASAC Curtis on the arm a couple eps ago. Her queerness is all up in her confident stride and her competitive nature. And look, I know very well that there are straight women who probably carry themselves like that and that nothing I'm saying is, on its own, specific to a sexual orientation. But all together, and in the context of NCIS: Hawai'i, it reads as queer.

Now for Whistler! I have to call her Whistler when I'm discussing how gay she is all on her own lmaoooo. She's gay in suchhhh a different way from Lucy. Her walls are allll the way up. I honestly identify with Whistler the most because the key to Whistler's queerness is that she's amazing at compartmentalizing. I, too, am amazing at compartmentalizing and let me tell you when you're young and closeted that coping skill is life-saving...until about ten years later when you have to go to therapy to unpack how traumatizing it was lol. But basically, I think Whistler's whole HBIC, stiff, loner tendencies show up outside of her relationship with Lucy and are coping mechanisms that identify her as queer. I know some of that stuff is related to her brother's death, but it really reads to me as queer.

Whistler presents herself as put together, not a hair out of place, focused to a fault, etc. In season 2 we're seeing her open up, but she still identifies with being a loner and I think she still knows exactly what a gut punch it is to feel existentially lonely. Like, that loneliness that happens when you're gay and you feel like you'll never be brave enough to be your authentic self. That loneliness that you think you'll never escape because YOU put the walls up and how are you supposed to take them down now?? The way her character reads to me is someone who is just beginning to live the kind of life that she probably dreamed of as a kid. Again, that vibe feels incredibly queer to me.

And of course, on a more superficial note, Whistler also reads as someone who does not give a FUCK what a man thinks. She has a more feminine style at work than Lucy. I think that's the style that makes her most comfortable, and I also think it's her armor, a way for her to assert that yes she's a woman and also yes she will kick your ass. Again, I'm sure that there are many women in male-dominated work spaces who operate similarly and not all of them are gay. But within the context of the show...it reads as gay!

[blueikeproductions]

I haven’t watched them yet for myself, but I’m not hearing great things about the final S1 episodes of EarthSpark, and it still feeds into my primary problem with TFs: Hasbro and current writers still don’t know what to do with the Decepticons. It makes perfect sense on one hand that the Earth bound Decepticons would help in defeating Mandroid’s goal of eradicating all Transformers on Earth, but… Then what. The Decepticons had been causing problems still on Earth, and they understandably are ticked off at humans locking them up, but now they’re apparently buddy buddy with the Autobots and Maltos? Something feels rushed here. Feels more like in other circumstances, Starscream’s unit would be all “We’re only helping because Earth is where we keep our stuff: after that it’s back to trying to take over this dust ball!”

I dunno, I like that Starscream has an honest friendship with Hashtag, but I think I would’ve preferred it if the dynamic was similar to Silverbolt, Rampage, and Transmutate: a young, impressionable character caught between two friends’ conflicting beliefs. Starscream genuinely cares for Hashtag, but in a self destructive Jason Dean/Holly Viola kinda way, and thinks she’d be much happier with the Decepticons/her own kind instead of slumming it up with the Autobots and fleshlings. The arc would be Hashtag and Starscream in a conflicted friendship that involves Hashtag deciding if she’s an Autobot or Decepticon, and what that means for her family. It’s this sorta thing I think I would’ve liked more from the show, instead of what feels like everyone being Heroic Autobots and slightly more agitated Autobots.

Mandroid and GHOST also have a sort of sloppy conclusion…? It reminds me of what became of Cilas and MECH, especially how MECH ceased to be without Cilas, despite implications Cilas was part of a larger cog. Sort of annoying that seems to be repeated here, as if they can’t fully commit to new leadership in GHOST, for better or worse. Ideally, I say what should happen is Schloder takes over GHOST and it becomes a proper heroic Human-Transformer unit, however those loyal to Croft and distrusting of the Decepticons and Autobots go off to form a splinter faction: a new version of RAAT, MECH or Cemetery Wind.

Still I don’t want to make any rash assumptions. Shockwave wound up being controlled by Mandroid so I don’t see him becoming a new Decepticon leader atm, which was the prevailing assumption for S2. There MIGHT be Quintessons because of Quintus Prime and the mystery of where Mandroid has been and where he got his new gear and Sharkticons, but the writing of this show sounds like it went down hill, so any potential hints or plot threads might not be followed up on.

Soundwave’s deal with Ravage is never explained. Ravage, barring S2, doesn’t reappear. It was assumed they were planning a prison break, but Hashtag accidentally caused that to happen instead. The official guidebook for EarthSpark does offer an explanation: Soundwave is a mole planted by Optimus and Megs to confirm the location of the Allspark. Apparently the implication is the two leaders might be thinking GHOST acquired it in the explosion, or it was sent back to Cybertron as intended. But I’m not sure I trust the guidebook either as it makes references to mostly scrapped preproduction stuff like usage of the Ark and Nightshade’s originally more vague gender identity (they originally identified as Terran and saw no purpose for gender as a mechanical being. Admittedly this makes the in-show discussion about being non-binary with Sam make much more sense), and having a gargoyle beast mode instead of an owl one.

There’s also the EarthSpark video game, whose potential canon is up for debate once we get the full context, but the game sees Bumblebee take on Mandroid’s Decepticons (?) to stop Mandroid’s latest nefarious scheme. Mandroid is also in his earlier healthy state seen earlier in the season where as he’s pretty much a wigged out, disheveled addict now. Also, Simon Furman helped write the game, so his contributions shall be fun to see. Grimlock is in the game, so maybe he wrote that campaign lol.

The show also talks a bit more about the other Primes besides Quintus, with it being pointed out by a fan that Optimus is NOT the 13th Prime. For context, Aligned explained in ancillary media that Optimus is the resurrected 13th Prime known as The Arisen. Apparently Optimus was indeed online during the era of the Thirteen and fought Unicron before, only “dying” in a great sacrifice that saw him reborn as Orion Pax. IDW would lean into this, but neither confirm or deny it, with Optimus hesitantly using the Caminus religion about the Primes to his advantage in continued peace post war. The Optimus being The 13th plot was very unpopular, so EarthSpark dodging the issue is pry for the best, but I could see them coyly reference it with The Arisen appearing and being voiced by Peter Cullen.

Anyway, the continued dodging of the Decepticons as the primary villains and not committing to new ones persists and it continues to annoy me. If we got Quints, Predacons, Terrorcons or even Primacron as ongoing replacements that’d be one thing, but we’re not. It makes me even more intrigued but also concerned about Skybound. On one hand the Decepticons are back to being the villains, but the starting line up lacks Megatron which feels like a red flag to me. Instead it appears Starscream is the leader, which I’m fine with but the continued… well demotion of Megatron to antihero doesn’t bode well for the Decepticons in future media (and no TF One doesn’t count because it’s ANOTHER Aligned/IDW/Cyberverse origin story). Skybound could be saving Megatron for a big reveal/showdown like IDW1 and Animated did, but I frankly don’t trust Hasbro to let Megatron be bad again. I hope I’m wrong though and we get the old revels in bring cartoonishly evil Megatron in Skybound at least.

Here’s to EarthSpark S2 addressing its unresolved bits, and finding a new villainous Transformer team that’s not the Decepticons if that’s the path they’re choosing. I’m not holding out hope for a season 3 right now because of the current Hollywood strikes, and while I hear animation isn’t affected, that could change on a dime I fear.

[hesperantha]

⁖Title: multitudes ⁖Characters: Jungkook x female OC, reader (any gender) ⁖Genre: family au. non-idol au. ⁖Rating: general ⁖Words: 1.3k ⁖Warnings: reader has an adult child who is married to Jungkook. Past death of a pet referenced. Neurodivergent character (unspecified; discussed). Manic episode. ⁖Summary: You can trust him with your heart. ⁖AN: For T, who shines burning-bright. Thanks to @sugalaritae and Jester for beta reading. Sequel to prom date

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“She went out for a run, Coach.”

Jungkook’s words are simple, but the tone is all wrong. His calling you “coach” had started as a joke when you pulled him aside to talk him through how he would propose to her, but it stuck around and the way he says it now is with both respect and worry, as if he’s lost something precious of yours and is terrified of the consequences.

“When?” you ask. Where is pointless. If he knew, he wouldn’t be calling you.

“Early. Around four, if I had to guess.”

“And you didn’t stop her?” You know he’s not her keeper, but it shouldn’t be that hard to just—

“I was mostly asleep. Just saw her putting on her running shoes and headband and figured I’d snooze until she was back. I don’t think I really realized the time. Not until I woke up later, anyway.”

Fuck, you think. Four hours. In four hours she could have run all the way to the nature preserve, around the lake. She could be deep in the woods or, just as easily, in the heart of the city, slipped into a café or down an alley.

It isn’t the first time.

“I already drove around the neighborhood,” Jungkook is saying, “and up to the reservoir.”

“Hang on,” you say, setting down the phone so you can tie your shoes. You don’t know what you’re going to do next, but it will probably require shoes, so it feels like the right choice. It feels like doing something useful. You can picture your son-in-law sitting high on the seat of his Tahoe, peering out the windshield, one hand raised to shield his eyes from the sunrise. He probably drove around for a good hour before calling you for help.

Not that you can do anything else.

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Jungkook meets you outside your house, idling in your driveway as you lock the door behind you and then, on second thought, unlock it just in case she turns up and needs to get inside. Stranger things have happened, after all.

“So I was thinking we split up,” he says, not even waiting for you to greet him in person.

“Wait,” you say. “Slow down. Was there any warning this time or did she just get up and go?”

He toys with his wedding ring, fidgeting as he thinks through your question. “Last night she was maybe a little keyed up. Not fully manic, but excited. Telling me about a kind of deep-sea mollusk that had just been discovered. Her eyes–you know the look.”

You do, after all, know it well. You’ve known it since she first opened them twenty-six years ago. That fire behind them, burning white-hot. The scream that went with it, piercing and furious. And you’ve seen it over and over again when she’s taken by an impulse when you would have wished her to be more cautious.

Wished her to be, you remind yourself again, is irrelevant. She simply is, burning-bright, rage and wonder and joy and everything so big. So loud. So much. You never want her to shrink to less, but at the same time–

You’re tired. You’ve been tired for a long, long time.

You’re trying to keep up with Jungkook as he tells you what they talked about last night, how the conversation jumped from mollusks to ostracods to a pinpoint memory of something said in anger one weekend in college, what she was wearing then, holding then, drinking then. To the vote in Tennessee, protests both past and current. To the Devonian System. To teeth: her teeth, his teeth, shark teeth. Carnivorous plants, and the poaching thereof. To the venus flytrap sea anemone. To the cat you had when she was seven, Sweaters, dearly departed, who you haven’t thought of in years. How she cried about Sweaters over styrofoam containers of delivered curry, then leapt up, determined to make a memorial.

“How?” you ask.

“How what, Coach?”

“How can you remember it? How can you keep up?”

“I don’t know, Coach. I just do. I’m sure I’m missing something else important–some big life skill or something just to make brainspace for it–but this stuff doesn’t stress me. I can listen to it for hours and remember it all.”

You’re so thankful for him. For the man he is. For the qualities he takes for granted. For being someone you can trust with your heart. You want to show him how much he means to you so you pull him to you in a hug, tight and grateful.

“Hey,” he says, patting you on the back. “Hey, don’t worry. We’ll find her.”

You realize he thought you were breaking.

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The two of you end up driving together rather than splitting up. You watch as his hands grip the wheel, tattooed knuckles blanching white. You feel small in the passenger seat, an outside observer even though he pulled you in. Jungkook looks at home in the massive seat, anxious but determined as he decides where to go, following routes that she might have taken hours ago, reaching destinations he knows she’s been before.

There has to be a clue.

You think back through what Jungkook told you about the previous night, trying to find the missing pieces. How, you puzzle, did she go from memorializing Sweaters to taking off in the dark of the morning?

“Did she go to sleep or did she stay up and actually make a memorial?” you ask.

“She started. Gathered up some photos, some scraps of paper and fabric and some knitting stuff.”

“Knitting stuff?”

“Yarn. Needles or hooks or whatever. You know.”

“Did she have a pattern?” You sense a theory floating in the ether, just beyond your grasp.

Jungkook pauses before answering. “I don’t know,” he confesses.

“Does she usually show you if she does?”

“Yes,” he says with absolute certainty. “Therefore…no.”

“Where did she leave the stuff she was working on?”

“I–” he stops, horrified. “I didn’t see it this morning. She must have taken it with her.”

You can picture her now, feet shoved in her pink running shoes, jacket zipped up to her chin, her hair scraped into a tight ponytail. And you can picture the ball of yarn stuffed into one armpit, scraps of paper covered with doodles and glue pinned under the other arm. Tight and safe.

The last thing to picture now is where she would need to go with it.

“Jungkook.”

“Yeah, Coach?”

“Did she say where Sweaters died?”

“No.”

“Take a left up ahead.”

ㅇㅇㅇㅇㅇ

You navigate, guiding him across town to the house she grew up in, where she stored treasures in the cubbyhole under the stairs, where her height was marked on the kitchen door frame every year. The porch where you first saw him looking both terror-stricken and, inexplicably, worthy.

There.

She’s there, pink shoelaces untied, ponytail askew, yarn strung up between the trees in your old front yard. You don’t need a yard like that now, don’t have the back for mowing like you used to. The memories are strong here, though, and as you watch her hook a tidy loop of yarn through a hole in the top of a photo, you have to admit that having left it behind also meant leaving behind the memories attached to it.

She hasn’t seen you yet. Jungkook parks on the street. You reach for the door handle and get out, walk toward her, call her name.

He’s faster. She turns and goes to him, safe in his arms. You’re barely a glance over his shoulder, a smile as she meets your eyes confirming that she’s all right.

He holds her as you pick up the pieces, gathering the photos and yarn, the little felt mice with their knotted string tails, the crumpled quilting cotton. It’s all precious to her so you smooth it out on the seat next to you when you settle into the backseat of the Tahoe, ready to hand it over to someone worthy of holding it.

ㅇㅇㅇㅇㅇ