#but you CANNOT actually be saying that someone else having money when other people dont makes them a bad person

[robitherat]

Man just saw someone saying that "flaunting" the fact that they spent money on the stupid little blue checkmarks on here when "there's countless donation posts floating around" makes you a bad person and just like. Congrats you reinvented catholic guilt on tumblr.

[faiseuse-d-histoires]

Well, you saying you dont know the answer of what should happened to Pen tells me more than anything. What she did it wasnt that badN it wasnt that important. Really, marina like went really well, eloise have the pretty never bad bridgertons and all the money and beauty and the protection of her brother ( unlike Colin Who is hate by him) . Are you telling you are naking that problem for a silly beast comment?? Im sure you had call poor fst girl worst in school and here you are. You just hate her for the sake of it. Thats the truth, if your dislike was genuine for her actions you would knlw the answer. Just what i thought. Another buller. And please dont lie, you didnt like Pen from books either. For Kate and Anthony you base their personalities with the ones in the books ( she is nit a family person in the show) but for Pen you dont think of that cute girls in the book and críticamente the writer like you did with KA, you blame Pen, the wallflower

Just because the consequences are any less dire because others persons intervened doesn't erase that what show Penelope wrote was actually ruinous and malicious and could have been disastrous. It's actually quite sad that in need to defend her, you have to dismiss others' suffering, and banalize what she writes, what she makes money of.

One laughable thing is that you don't actually seem to have grasped that I was being sarcastic while saying "oh, I don't know". Had you read the entire post, you would have had your answer. What should happen to her? Well, show Penelope should learn that her words have consequences, can hurt people, ostracize them, ruin them. She should learn that she could have made Marina ostracized by her words, prompting the girl to dangerous options, just because she did not want her crush to marry her, and that it is not ok (and it even backfired on her, because by association, there was that disgrace on her family that prompted Eloise to seek LW to do something about it). She should learn that calling someone a beast, especially a WOC, certainly for comic relief, or even insulting anyone like that is not ok. That antagonizing the queen was never a good idea in the first place. She should learn that she cannot criticize one for not doing something when she actually made sure that person was stopped from actually doing anything about it, else it is very hypocritical. That by unravelling everyone's dirty laundry and even twisting things at her convenience, of course it can have dire consequences and she is responsible for it.

This season had people dismissing the consequences of her actions and praising her. That should not be the case. It is at least realistic to think at least some will just give her hell for it, and some families refuse to invite her.

That doesn't mean she can't make amends. That she deserves to be unloved and alone for the rest of her life, or to be bullied. Just that she should aspire to be a better person (she certainly could have the power to inspire more reflection about social classes, the status of women, etc), and not one that thrives on others'misery while still maintaining a holier-than-thou attitude. I certainly cannot root for that last kind of person.

You keep bringing up the body, the wallflower parts. You keep patting yourself in the shoulder, telling yourself you are right. At this point, it seems you are making your own story and do not read at all what I actually said. I can see clearly you need to vent and have your enemy (any unresolved issues, perhaps), and anyone would do, and perhaps it must feel very satisfying to throw hateful words while being anonymous, for you do so on and on (I will certainly not read the others that are rotting in my inbox, and that will find their place in the bin). It is still very much a coward and a bully's move.

[demonicintegrity]

Episode 5 is where Harry and Meghan got to me. Up until this point my interest in the docuseries and in them is very much just pleasant curiosity, even with the immense sympathy for what they were going through. After this episode I am more or less flabbergasted and pissed at so much.

Starting off, up until this point I assumed the British media was doing this on their own. Their sense of entitlement and racist attitudes was just a reflection of bigoted greed. I thought the royal family was just bystanding, a false neutrality with no care for how that affects them. But the leaks.

The fucking leaks.

I don’t know how as an institute, you can be comfortable with private plans and documents getting leaked like that to the public. How are you not concerned with security? If shit like that is so easy to leak, both in terms of the people accessing it and leaking and also being okay with that, how are you not concerned that something else could leak?

Someone had gotten their hands on a letter from Meghan. She went through the trouble of trying to be sneaky about it, and yet it still somehow ended up in the Mail’s hands. Who knows if her father even got to see that actual one. And yet nothing was done about it.

And instead of being honest that they weren’t going to pursue legal action, they led Harry and Meghan on for weeks. They had to sue on their own, further adding fuel to the media campaign against them.

And then the plans to move to South America was leaked. Plans about this transition in whatever form were in development for years and it’s gone in a single leak.

Why was the palace so okay with that? Why isn’t it concerning to them that these things are leaked? Why are they so willing to be quiet? Surely, fucking surely, if this can happen to Harry and Meghan it could happen to them too.

I get my answer soon enough when Harry says the details about potentially revoking their titles is revealed only in his email to his father. An email Harry explicitly didn’t want make for this reason. I am willing to bet money it was his father, now King Charles. He leaked that one. Who else could’ve been on that email? Even if he written up a draft for something or other with it, how many people realistically should’ve saw it? What did they have to gain to leak it, so early in development? Money’s money i guess, but even then, you’d think it’d concern fellow staff and royals just how little integrity staffers would have if it’s them leaking. The emails were apparently from the 1st to 3rd and the leak was days after. They weren’t even ready to go through with it this time.

Backtracking for a second here, that letter was only sent because Meghan apparently became responsible for getting her father in line. I still find it incredulous that her father was speaking out on how terrible the family is treating her and he’s concerned and the family goes >:/ at that. So bothered. Bothered enough that when Meghan is like “hey this is happening in the news please advise I am actively trying not to cause strife with you” theyre like “write a letter” and then dont give a shit that the letter is leaked to the very news they’re having problems with! Fucking hell.

Anyways, the letter’s leaked and nothings done about it. The plans to leave are leaked. The plans to leave again are leaked, this time with a nice dose of “no you cannot see your grandma now.” Which I call bullshit on with the Late Queen btw. You’re telling me as the head monarch, you make plans with your grandson. That is the first obligation you made for the time, made entirely by yourself. Then, entirely unknown to you somehow, your week is full. And despite being the literal Queen of England, you cannot move anything around in your own schedule? Either she was being pushed around a lot in that old age or that characteristic quiet she has was just her being a doormat. In her own words (allegedly i suppose but what reason would Harry have to lie about this?) Harry was the first one she made obligations too but didn’t even bother to try and make it work at any point in that week.

Personally, if I made plans with someone, especially family who I know is struggling and want to see me, I would do those plans. It’s whoever I promised first for that time. And If i absolutely cannot, I apologize and reschedule.

I would also, in the place of any other family member or staff who decided the Queen’s schedule was full only when Harry tried to visit, not try and interfere with someone trying to have a chat with their grandmother. At best it’s rude not to give notice to those kind of things and at worse it’s a selfish piece of shit move.

AND THEN, you have this royal meeting without Meghan. Because that’s so fair. It gets heated and again, I’m calling bullshit on the Late Queen being quiet. You’re telling me as the head of the family you’re gonna watch your family turn on each other in an ugly way and saying nothing? You’re gonna watch the press lie and say you were blindsighted, painting your grandson as disrespecting you, and say nothing?

She either was pushed around by the other family and staff or a doormat. I cannot for the life of me decide which is worse. Because the former is direct disrespect for your respected and loved family member and the latter is said family member not caring enough to make a stand everyone knew would change things. Blasted woman had all this power and influence and not once tried to use a fraction of it to even encourage the press to back off of her family. What horseshit.

But of course, when William is accused of bullying, damn near instantly there’s a statement. That Harry hadn’t seen much less consented to have his name on. All this nothing for Meghan and Harry but the second the press thinks “hm, could William have a hand in this wedge? Could it be possible he’s kinda a dick about things?” suddenly they can say something.

The sympathy I had for the royal family dies here.

With this bombshell after bombshell, Meghan’s hate is a coordinated attack on twitter. I don’t know why that surprised me but it did. I think whats most surprising is how few people it took to create such a consistent storm. Once again we are seeing what unregulated harassment does. What awful seeds are planted and maintained in a echo chamber in the name of free speech without consequences. And even though Meghan is far from the first and only to be targeted, nothing will be done. She isn’t even offered support from the family she marries into once again.

The paparazzi doesn’t leave her alone. Once again no one cares about the trespassing and stalking. This is seen as acceptable for some fucking bizarre reason. I hope each and everyone of those bastards trying to peak at a family so obviously trying to be left alone gets dragged through the mud. Truly, there is no standard of morals these days.

What got me to the point of rage is when Meghan flips through her security book and a death threat tweet is an example of what needs to be reported. I think I’m jaded enough where the knowledge that she likely had death (and probably rape) threats was there, but didn’t register as much. Unfortunately I am part of the generation that grew up on this new tech. Someone getting these threats is fairly run of the mill here. To the point of what really can be done. It’s lost it’s effect, or so I thought. Until I am reminded that death threats are treated severely for a good reason. Until I am shown a person who isn’t jaded by the internet horrors reacting to this and I’m reminded that 1) this shouldn’t be just the normal internet experience and 2) seeing people echo again and again that you should be dead weighs on you. Especially combined with the stalking from the paparazzi.

I am reminded that these are real people experiencing things they shouldn’t be experiencing.

When I only knew of Harry and Meghan through skimmed headlines once in a bluemoon, I was also on team “Youre stepping back from the royal family why would you get royal protection?” I mean, it was simply just a courtesy at that point right?

Now realizing just how harassed they were, it wasn’t just pulling security. It was pulling security on a very short notice on their family with a toddler knowing damn well what harassment they were facing.

This family did not give a shit if anything happened to them. Did not give a shit for their piece of mind, for their physical safety, for anything. Even if it was a courtesy, you’re telling me a couple that has undergone so much harassment from day one, your family, didn’t deserve it? Especially when the original plan was to still do things for the Queen and commonwealth but just financially independently now?

What a load of shit. The way I would’ve cut all contact and burned bridges immediately. This isnt just a dysfunctional family, this is a truly hateful one.

[psychelis-new]

thank you very very very much for my reply snd so sorry for my very long ramble. I guess I dont know what else to do atp, I couldve done much more had I not felt the need to fit in like everyone else is currently doing even memes are less entertaining as well as a lot fo it relying so much on the internet i just want to escape all of this nonsense i really do. like just yeet me into space then if anything. i dont care anymore for my life really. ik im probs just making excuses or sounding dramatic but it seems many others at leasdt have talents or something that they care deeply about. i just seemed to have missed the chances and since we didnt have any of this stuff when i was a kid

I dont particularly care for wealth yet at the same time that too is everywhere so its like fomo and inability to simply be satisfied in anything i like or do bc someone else has more or better things they are doing and its so easy to fall into the trap of comparisons, like so and so is posting their whole life online or so and so is exceedingly popular online and irl. i dont know lets just simply say that i keep feeling lkke a nobody and all anyone else on here seems ro say manifest xyz things and how age is just a number without knowing peoples past experiences or lack thereof skills and so on. i just dont even know what i want anymore either. its like im just a soulless blob in a pile of other blobs and everyone else is blobbing about stuff i dont particularly care about online.

i regret being born in my generation, i really do, theres almost too much going on at once but itd all digitalised rather than in person. even celebs dont seem to realise their devices can have an off button maybe if they werent online so much others would be inspired to do that as well but even if you go out anywhere people on their phones or go to concert let say people on their phones again how else to gsin connection with others when its all done via a horrid little screen which i regret buying but once again it is much required in todays society. theres certain things i wouldve loved to have done in previous generations or maybe had i been a different person of a different nationality but i still wouldve had to adjust to needing to be online for the most part. even just typing shit into google feels so soulless like i havw a brain but i dont need to think or feel and i dont need opinions cause someone online will end up hating me for it so thats out the window

As I was suggesting you, you need a break and find yourself again. You're too focused on what others do, who they are, and compare yourself to something that doesn't even exist (online world is pretty much like movies these days) and try to act the same as them to fit in (no but fr, who cares what celebs do online or how long they are online? it's their life, let them do what the heck they want -plus, they're often a brand with legs, they're making money that way...). But anyway you cannot fit in something if you don't know who you are and what you're searching for and if you don't know where you want to fit in (and where you actually can fit in without losing yourself -which you probably already did, in order to not feel left out).

You are worthy, your life is very worthy, but your worth is not outside, your worth is inside of you. Same as your talents and whatever good you possess (and don't tell me you don't cause everyone does). You cannot find it online or in strangers online, and for sure you won't seeing if you keep comparing with others and what they seem to have... so stop trying to do so. If others have fun online and have found their own place there, let them. Who cares what they find of so cool there. But if you don't, then it's time for you to find what you find funny by taking a break. Put in effort (the one you were calling for so much in the other ask) and find in yourself and what you want and like. The only way to find your soul inside of your blob is to look in that blob that is you and finding your voice. You cannot let others tell you who you are: only you know.

But it's useless if I keep repeating myself and you can't see you are worthy and not caged (you know it but still, you cannot leave the comfort zone you have created: you feel like you won't ever fit in and you keep finding comfirmations of it out of any interactions you have online. If you don't work on how you see things and yourself, nothing will change for real). You can think with your mind, you can believe other things than what you're told by society or people that only want to sell a product/gain from what they do (I already answered an ask or two on this... were they yours?). You can do what you would have loved to do in any other time: it's not about this generation, it's about you and what you want... don't find excuses to keep yourself out of what you desire to do or how you desire to live. Don't blame it all on this society, where you live and the times we're living in. You still have a choice, you can act differently and who the heck should care about it? If it makes you happy, do it. But if it's really so, if you know you'd feel better out of it, it's not the internet the problem, it's you caging yourself in a cycle that doesn't even exist (but was well created to sell products again)...

For real, take a moment for yourself. Maybe journal about how you feel, what you want and what you're searching for and then go find it. It may take a while and some effort, but you will make it. Maybe your people aren't online but at the supermarket you usually visit, or at the library or they share any other interest with you offlline. Idk. If you need connections, first of all connect with yourself. Then, you'll be able to connect also with others the way you need.

Again all the best! I know you're now writing me cause I am making you feel less alone, but I am not the answer you're seeking. It's only within you.

[flowersalesman]

i keep on thinking about a post i saw the other day complaining about people wrongly using the word lesbian. saying "we have to have SOME word that JUST means attraction to women, and no one else!! you cant be attracted to men and call yourself a lesbian." it took the time to specifically call out bi lesbians for, i guess, not using The Right Labels? the op had to add "this isnt for terfs" at the end.

on some level, i understand that someone might automatically add the No TERFs stipulation on any post talking about women/lesbianism. but on the other hand, does the op know why saying that We Must Keep Lesbianism Pure would be so appealing to terfs? like, how many steps away is that from We Must Keep The Sanctity Of Womanhood?

i dont know my followers, so if youre confused about how someone might possibly be attracted to men and still be able to call themselves a lesbian, here is an example for you: if someone is bigender, they might be both a man and a woman at the same time. if their partner is a lesbian, they are dating a woman and a man. there is no separation here. they are still a lesbian and they are dating a man (and a woman).

at the same time, someone might be a bi lesbian because their own gender influences their sexuality, or they might be bisexual and homoromantic. (i've seen a lot of people shitting on the split attraction model, too. it's very confusing. if you believe that someone can be gay and asexual at the same time, why would you be against applying that in other situations?)

these examples are not the whole of it. there are, presumably, infinite reasons why someone would decide on a label.

anyway, at the end of the day, what really pisses me off is the assumption that the issue is people not using the "right" labels, or not understanding the labels theyre using or whatever. listen: there is no one in the fucking world who hears someone call themselves a lesbian and think "oh, but theyre attracted to guys too, right?" so why are you complaining about people needing a label that JUST means "attraction to women"? you have that. we all know what lesbian means. you are making up this idea that some people using labels in a way youre not familiar with is, what, muddying the waters? do you even hear yourself when you say shit like "we need to have a space for ACTUAL lesbians, who ARENT attracted to men"? jesus christ, do you understand what that sounds like? let's put down the What Is A Woman argument for a second, do you know what a man is? he's the butch that goes to drag shows and throws money at the queens. she's the gay man that people always mistake for a lesbian at first glance. even if you only mean to shun one of these people, you are shunning both.

i understand that it might not make sense to someone to say "you can be attracted to men and also still be a lesbian." but you cannot start assuming that you know someone's reasons for identifying with a label better than they do.

[boa-h]

HIIII! Ive finally asked you smth hehe. Ive been waiting for the matchups to start!!!

I am an ISTP, I like to be independent but I dont mind relying on others when needed. Im bi and I just prefer strong and reliable people, mentally or physically. I also like someone who I’d be super comfortable with and just chilling with them seems fun. Plus if they have similar tastes with me or likes.

I work hard for my standards and I don’t like to be told what to do :P. I do accept criticism though and I dont usually overstep the boundaries of others; I like to keep my space too. I LOVE cats, theyre my favorite. I really like drawing in my free time and mostly doodling chibis or cats. I absolutely love and adore my friends and I cannot see a world without them, each single one of them. I procrastinate a lot on my work but somehow manage to get it done right before its due. I dont spend a lotta money, i never felt the need too really. And i think i overstress myself often (lol).

Ty for reading this and putting up the matchups!! Have a great day :))

Omg hiii! I’m so sorry I got to this so late, break really got me feeling like a sloth 😭 SAT prep is actually crazy I cannot deal with it. Now I know that you like cats, we have another thing in common, I’m going to spam you on Discord everyday with cat videos I’m not even joking.

I match you with… Roronoa Zoro

Strong and reliable you say? No one is a better fit than the one and only Roronoa Zoro, if we ignore the part where he can’t get his directions right that is. But hey, we’re all human, we all got flaws, he’s just a little silly like that.

You value your personal space, that’s great because he wouldn't bother you at all if you asked him not to, Zoro is kind of a simple minded man when it comes to romance, if you tell him to go find something else to do, he’s gonna go find something else to do.

He’s not really a person that’s good at comforting people, but trust me, whenever you’re overstressed or feeling down, just sit or cuddle with him for a bit, you’ll feel better, I promise.

Also he’s not really an animal person but he doesn’t mind pets so get as many cats as you like, he might complain a bit but he really couldn’t care less.

[dacergirl369]

HELLO HELLO I WAS TAGGED BY @horse-music HI BESTIE THANK YOU!!!!

are you named after anyone? yeahhhhh my irl first name is named after my mums favourite movie but benny is a diminutive of my surname so im named after...... myself??? slay

when was the last time you cried? uhhhhh maybe last week??? I had a very frustrating time last week and im a real crybaby lmao 

do u have kids? no unless you count my three beautiful cat children :)

do u use sarcasm? YEah i guess so. this question feels like a trap I feel like no matter what answer i say people are going to assume im being sarcastic. I'm STUCK. 

whats the first thing you notice about people? I guess whether they seem nice or not?? approachability???? idk

what's your eye colour? grey blue

scary movies or happy endings? WHY PIT TWO BAD BITCHES AGAINST EACH OTHER

any special skills? not particularly!! I can't really think of any rip

where were you born? yorkshire. white rose for life innit

what are your hobbies? DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS OBVIOUSLY. but also I don't know if i've ever really talked about this on here but im SUPER into bookbinding. largely of fanfics but also notebooks and my original writing etc. i mostly do casebound books since thats what i enjoy making the most BUT i LOVE experimenting with new types of binding as well as binding adjacent crafts (paper marbling, paste papers, box building, etc). bookbinding is highkey the love of my life rn i love CRAFTS. Its fun its cool its easy to get started with and its extremely rewarding to create a pretty good book even first try. cannot recommend it enough. the only downside is that ive started pouring all of my limited money into Bookbinding Supplies and Machines bcs i am. Obsessed. but you don't NEED that shit to do well at it i just like it. :)

do you have any pets? YES i have many beautiful children including three beautiful kitties and two Very Large Dogs (technically they belong to my parents but those r MY KIDS). 

do you or have you played any sports? im not really a sports guy but i played rounders through to the end of secondary and one time when i was in year 5 i think i got a last minute invite to come to a golf tournament bcs someone got sick and they were a person short for the team and i was like “sure, ive never played golf before but i will say yes to literally anything that gets me out of class” and so i went and i won the tournament so i guess you could say im a champion. full disclosure i dont know that any of those kids had ever played golf before that day think everyone was just picked for being vaguely sporty and i got picked for being generally well behaved and also available. plus the category was like “[city] year 5 golf champion” so it was SUPER narrow and not very competitive. lol. i dont really remember what the actual tournament consisted of but im like 75% sure it wasnt actually playing golf. I think it was just like a selection of golf adjacent activities. weird day

how tall are you? I don't know like 5’5? 5’4? something like that

fave subject at school? media studies my beloved <3 i never had more fun engaging academically than i did in gcse media.

dream job? I dont KNOW i like performing i like writing i like creating. probably like a podcaster or stand up or author i just got SHIT TO SAY. or a bookbinder. :)

TAGGING @acasternaut @blueberrybonbons @riverblujay @billhaders @tattoobedobedoo @pawpunkao3 AND ANYONE ELSE WHO WANTS TO. IF I DIDNT TAG YOU IM SOWWY :D

[manifesting-mari]

Morning Pages

I’m being haunted by the ghosts of my past. The 5 year old stuck in the shame pit. The 12 year old on the endless cycle of taking control to run away from her feelings. The 14 year old, hopeless romantic who craved for the love she saw in fairytales and the lust she saw online. The deeper i go into my psyche, the more layers of myself are revealed. Like circles in a tree trunk, i’m going through all the layers, some are more dense than others. I wonder what was happening in its environment that caused it to grow like that. Some holes on the inside. But always healing.

I’ve decided to let my blog posts live on my tumblr. Omg. i just had a realization. Whenever i go into a new version of my life, i leave the old version of me behind rather than integrating that experience. Shitt. These aremy ghosts. The parts of myself i abandoned in order to get tot he next.

I saw a post i write pn my timblr when i was 24. I was a nanny at that time. I remember very clearly what was happening in my life, and now im trying to go back and feel into what was happening to me. I was very depressed and didn;t know it. Now that I think about it, I dont think I was depressed, i think i was around lots of depressed people. Or maybe i was? I was definite disassociating like a fucking pro. Using sex to feel wanted and sexy and valid. 

I can feel the ways my emotions are a weird confused soup in this writing. Its actually sweet to read it. To feel this innocent version of love and heart break. I have such an innocent heart. I can still feel that in my heart now. The ways it would break over people who were just pit stops on each others journeys.  

“but i’m a ship, not a life raft. with proper maintenance and care, one can travel the world with me. go on adventures, live life to the fullest, but you must be willing to sail. i am not one to be used as a last resort, to float along to life goals you know you cannot reach without someone else.”

The shit really hit lolo. Go ahead 24 year old me lol. I am a writer. I always have been, and i forget that sometimes. 

So a thought is coming into my head. So what if i am a life raft for others. Just to stay with them until i’m no longer needed. I see the ways i’ve treated my own self as a life raft. Just floating along, just surviving until the next thing comes up that lights me on fire. Just gogin from goal to goal, not enjoying the journey to and from each point. Theres a high you get when you reach your goals, and that high is really a great feeling. I know i can access that feeling whenever and that feeling is not attached to any specific thing. The feeling of receiving. Ahh. its safe to receive. Its safe to receive love and attention. Its safe to receive the life you’ve always dreamed of. Its safe to receive everything you’ve ever asked for. And that feeling of accomplishment is a feeling that can be with you whenever your ready, no matter what your life looks like. 

I’m recognizing the part of me that’s like “what about people suffering, what about people in  poverty, people in warzones? How can they possibly feel that feeling when their circumstances are filled with dread. I feel that i truly do. My heart breaks for all those people and i am in no way saying that access this feeling is a simple task. This world we live in is structured to make it difficult for people (and ever more difficult for POC) to gain access to that feeling through the material world. What I am suggesting is that the feeling can be felt no matter what your life looks like. It can be hard to feel it when other emotions like fear, survival, and desperation are so much more prominent, and those feelings need to be addressed, the environment needs to be addressed so more people can gain access ot that feeling. I was once told that “money solves money problems” but i wanna amend that. “Money solves money problem which helps relieves stress so you give attention to the emotional state.

This past year i really dedicated my time to my healing and growth. I knew that i needed to take a look under the hood and see what was going on. I was living my life with my check engine on. I knew that the money wasn’t the problem. It was a me problem. It was a mari problem. And Mari solves Mari problems. Lol. I want to change the word problem and shift it to situation. Or experience. I’ll find a word that amkes more sense. I really enjoy words. Lyrics are what really hit for me in songs. And i love books and poetry. I really forgot how much i loved to write. 

I no longer wanna be a life raft. I refuse to keep myself small. And i dont wanna be a tug boat either. I dont even just wanna be the ship. I wanna be a whole maritime empire. OH SHIT. ITS MARI-TIME!!!!! Lmfaoo. This is really me season 2023 and ME. lol because i do want ot be able to be a life raft for someone who needs that kind of support. I wanna be a tug boat for someone who needs guidance. I wanna be a cruise ship where people can enjoy and relax. I wanna be a row boat you take out on the lake to read a book. Some times i wanna go white water rafting! Yeah, i need to live by the water lol. 

You knwo, i no longer choose to solely identify with only one part of myself. I choose to integrate all of it in my experience knowing that those parts of me are still active. It like when i go into different parts of my life the bluetooth is not connected ot present me, but still connected to anoer version of me and i am unable to connect. Those are my blind spots. The places in my experience where grounded me is not connected and another part is coming forward.

I have to pee really bad. 

Ok. integration. Thats the foundation of my year. Really get to know me and on a deeper level and allow myself to life in my fullness. Its ok to be messay and make mistakes. Its ok to make calculated risks. Its ok to play. Its ok to be you. 

My super power is my being. I believe that my existence is my super power. I can just be. And i’m working on it. And part of me being is being in the work. There are times where i dont need to work and i get to relax or play or create. Or have relaxing play that creates unconsciously. That sounds fun lol. That how i feel sometimes. When youre with yourself or with others and your just in the flow. Allowing yourselves to inspire each other. I was so inspired by Marcie and Ian last night. I’m beginning to be more aware of the judgements that are inside me that come up around others. 

The judgment part needs more integration i feel. It doesnt feel like me. It feel like something else. The judgement there was there to protect me. Thats the 8 year old, “youre bad, your good” because she had to judge her actions as bad or good to make sure she could be in a happy environment. Whew. all that anxiety for such a small child. 

I also feel this connection between the judgemnent and this punitive part of me. The part that feels she needs to be punished because she is guilty and she needs to feel shame. Damn, that shame is one hell of a drug. 

There was another part of my tumblr post I wanted to share

i don’t want to be someone’s best option, i want to be someone’s only option. and i think, right now, i’m your best option. i think, time is wearing thin for you. and the days being spent alone in your room with your guitar are getting old. i think you miss the security you had with me. the stability. you know if you just asked, i would be there and you would have whatever you want. let’s not confuse our lust with intimacy. let’s not confuse our friendship with romance. you made it very clear when i was looking at you right in the eyes. you set up the walls. you built the dam. actually, you were the architect. and i was the contractor who made your plans a reality. i think its now too late to change the structure.

Its interesting how that part of me is still playing out. Is this one of those sygil things that jordan was talking about? Lol. well im happy i can see it now. Im a]happy to be aware of it. And i can tell that thurga could see the pattern repeating. I dont wanna keep repeating these patterns. Im ready for new adventures. Im ready for a different. Im ready to start being and integrating all the parts of me. Im ready to get to know that version of my self and allow her to move, create, and be part fo this flow. L

Last night I had a vision of “my head above water”. I feel like i can feel my toes lightly touching the ground. But part of me is really enjoying floating in this soup.

Theres part of me that enjoys not being grounded.

[semi-imaginary-place]

bnha ch 290: yup i remember all the way back when the mountain training camp arc released and people called it then. i was just about to say something about reaping and sowing ha.

297: surprised this max security prison for super dangerous quirk users doesn't have quirk suppressants and body armor for everyone.

298: now that i think about it. eraser head knew about eri's progress. he choose to amputate himself because at that moment they couldn't afford a second, though shigaraki managed to break contact anyways and im not sure his leg could have been salvaged. also surprised the hospital isn't overloading rooms given the major disaster that happened. bakugou's room has a lot of empty space.

303: i dislike the framing here that toya a child of 13 and younger was the one in the wrong here. horikoshi is framing toya's actions as out of line and sure burning himself wasn't the healthiest coping mechanism but he was not the main problem. also i've love to say 12 year old fuyumi blaming herself for her family's problems was insightful commentary on how eldest daughters get treated as 3rd parents instead of the children they are but thats giving horikoshi-sensei a little too much credit.

314: im sensing a double standard here for who gets assassinated and who gets imprisoned. like they imprisoned all for one and gigantomachia but these smups are the ones the public safety commission is killing? see my lack of knowledge on how the japanese government works means im only vaguely guessing what all these organizations do.

midoriya dark bunny era. take a bath! bruh you need a nap. 90s edgy protag! thats what i was thinking of!

320: midoriya cannot continue as he is but wasnt the whole point to keep him away from ua. i dislike when plans are changed halfway through they either should have committed to fortifying ua or kept up support of his feral rabbit lifestyle. in terms of wellness he's gone too far in neglecting himself I'm just wondering if what they did was actually a good plan.

the diper rat confession! stain pep talk! we're getting everything this arc

historically speaking, american foreign involvement is.. iffy. if the cia are involved things are probably going to get worse im looking at like a good chunk of latin america and the banana wars. arguably some of the more publicized stuff helped like taiwan, south korea, germany, and japan are doing pretty well for themselves, and the financial/logistics backing for europe and now ukraine (well the ww2 stuff was pure war profiteering). and then there's inherent abuses of the us industrial military complex, tax payer money to line the pockets of weapons manufacturers and defense contractors, preying on the poor with funding from tax dollars, the rampant abuse and all the crimes that get covered, the lack of regulation in general so you have human rights abuses environmental damage military bases usually poison the surrounding areas.

332: hmm we're too early in this fight. i think some of the pilots will die.

335: holy shit if those hagakure is the spy than the conspiracy theorists got it right. i remember there was this old fan theory circa 2017? 2018? which posited hagakure was the spy because how else did someone so weak get into ua like she can turn invisible and that's it. and how narratively she hadn't done anything while everyone else how a few pages at least. at the time i thought it was a cool idea for an otherwise boring character but the lack of evidence stopped me from going all in on it. in the early arc its said? implied? that there's a spy in UA and people were able to logic and reason it down to probably being a student (i dont remember how they ruled teachers out). hagakure was suspect number 1 but there were a couple other 1 A put up.

336: oh yeah the secret forest training camp. and yeah aoyama was the other one speculated to be a spy. the other conspiracy theoriests got it right!

[libbee]

HOW TO HEAL FROM PAST TRAUMA AS A LADY?

I dont know how men heal from trauma because society expects different things from men i.e. power, status, money, networking and connections.

As a lady and the one who is not so outgoing, this is how I chose to heal from my trauma:

Close that chapter of your life. You cannot move ahead if you keep rereading the same pages again and again. One trauma leads to another trauma. We are not capable of making right decisions when we are thinking emotionally. Mistakes happen in a rush, impulsive, irrational manner.

Ego means to be able to make your own life choices and to have your own reasons for making those choices. It is not a bad thing. Exercise your ego over your life.

Never givaway your powers to somebody else. No one should have power over your mind, emotions, body. As young girls, we are fooled by media that men need to be "pleased". That you have to stand on one leg to please others and impress others. It is rather the other way around. It seems hard for someone with low self esteem to understand that it is the men who should please women and not women who should please men. Women should never be people pleasers.

Never expect or ask for apology. People can give explanation, justification or blame you back, but they never apologize for their bad behaviour. It is out of shame, insecurity and fear of looking weak. So do not expect apology.

But do forgive everyone. Not because they deserve the forgiveness but because you deserve the peace and self confidence.

Karma is like a boomerang. It is accumulated and every action has a reaction. You do not have to see it through. You do not need to know how the perpetrator of karma is punished. Just forget it and stop caring about it.

Virtue, values, morals are real things. In this age of free love, casual sex, kinks and porn culture, you might be called lame and boring for having values/morals. People also argue that "morals are subjective" - what is moral for one person might not be moral for the other. But this is just an excuse to justify bad life choices. I have seen a lot of people hiding behind the masks of "modern lifestyle" and "American lifestyle", but they also change their stance to project a better image of themselves when anything "respectable" is mentioned. The point is, American culture or whatever we are taught on internet these days about casual sex, open relationships and polyamory as being honest, consensual and advanced lifestyles is actually a community of low conscious energy people. Remember! Sensual pleasures should NEVER be glorified. They only lead to desires and suffering. A spiritual person would know this.

It might be tempting to walk onto the slippery slope of sensual pleasures and mindless entertainment when you are young and naive. But in the end you will realize that it was not worth it. What looked like a shiny apple was rotten in its core. So contemplate on life and what are the things that really matter and ruthlessly say NO to everything else.

It might feel boring in the beginning to switch off mindless entertainment or disconnect with the online world. Find a purpose in life and devote yourself to it. This purpose should be your inner calling not something you have copied off of someone else.

I have personally no interest in romance and love (despite being venus in 8th house). These are cheap temporary boosts to elevate your low self esteem and feel important in life. The whole thing about love and romance is probably a mental illness, a marketing gimmick for children and teenagers. It is an illusion and fooling yourself that you are happier than you really are.

[yurtletheturtlehenderson]

CHANGES ARE COMING

Yep. You heard it right! The COSMIC series is about to get some big changes. (Not really). And please note, cause I cannot stress this enough, these changes pertain to the fem copy and the fem copy ONLY.

WHAT'S CHANGING:

●This particular pronoun copy ONLY is moving away from Will Byers as the love interest.

     ○I know, you might be thinking "but what about that A/N saying you were never gonna change it?". The one I wrote in book 3, E Pluribus Unum part 3 is the one I'm speaking of and it has been updated for a while. I suggest you go look at it cause I'm not sure I can sum it up as well as I did there.

●Relatively speaking, previous books will not change. My current plan is to carry the show on out from s4 in a new direction while still putting a respectful spin on Will's sexuality in the previous 3 books. Again, without changing canon sexuality.

     ○No, i will not "tweak" his sexuality in any way. He is gay, and shown to be canonically uncomfortable by female affection on top of his feelings for Mike. This will carry over into COSMIC. Please just trust me. I promise I have every intention to get this right!

WHY IT'S CHANGING:

●Out of respect for Will's canon sexuality.

● As a lesbian, I wish I had fics that explored the concept of compulsory heterosexuality when I was younger and reading every TMR Newt x Reader I could get my hands on. (Yes, I was a Newt girl back in the day lol). Nobody has to relate to it, some people have even said it made things more confusing, but in my personal experience i just wish I had had been made aware of the concept. That's all. I can't stress enough I'm not trying to push that on you. And why I'm hesitant to try and explain it correctly on here. And no, it likely will not be referenced by name at all in the series.

●Just as much as it is to give you the readers a chance freedom to explore yours.

      ○Whether you see yourself in Y/n Henderson, or Will Byers. No one is saying you have to go out and experiment, it's just a story for entertainment and escape, but

●COSMIC has evolved far beyond what I ever thought it would be in the best way possible. And because of that, there are times where I wonder/find myself wanting to allow Y/n to be with other characters. You might have a few in mind, and they're probably right on the money.

WHO WILL BE THE NEW LI?:

●I, unfortunately, will not be answerthing that today. I will eventually, but given VOL 2 is about to premiere, we dont know who could bite it, what could happen, where the story will go exactly, what will be set up for s5, etc, I am hesitant to make it official.

●I've disclosed who I hope to elect to be the new LI to a very small hand full of people and likely won't be telling anyone else until I make the decision and next announcement. But I do have someone in mind I hope to make the new LI, but even that won't likely happen until s5 even if it does pan out cause I want a grace period for Y/n and Will. They're not just gonna go through this change together, but they're doing so on top of all these traumatic events (piling on top of existing trauma).

●It wouldn't even be the end of the world if there wasn't an LI in the end! Because romantic relationships, as beautiful and important as they are in human nature (this does vary from person to person, granted), they aren't what make us human. Friendships, the connection we have to our family, and the world around us are equally as beautiful and important and I'm stating right now I'm not totally closed off to the idea of carrying the rest of this out with no LI!

WHEN WILL WE KNOW?:

●Well, I gotta watch vol 2 tonight and if who I have picked out a) lives and b) ends up in the right place (emotionally and plot wise, but mostly emotionally) then I can actually make the decision official. Whether or not I announce it before or after I plan s4 remains to be seen

THIS ISNT NEW:

●Yes, I definitely tried to hold on in one way or the other to this idea of a Will x fem reader even as recently as just before the vol 1 premiere which isn't something I'm exactly proud of or glad I did. But I am a firm believer in making mistakes and being able to recognize them and learn from them! That's what I'm trying to do here. That, and, again I still kinda find myself battling my internalized homophobia/self hatred (emphasis on self). But! Will's sexuality (and Mike's for that matter) have been written in and been built up since season 2 of COSMIC. It is not a new theme in COSMIC. At. All.

WHERE TO FIND MORE INFO:

●My wattpad bio. If you look at the fem reader under my list of stories it will direct you to the link in my description will lead you to:

     ○An answered ask on tumblr that dives into my mistake when choosing the LI and how it's evolved this point. Try not to be warded off by the topic of the ask, I'm not anti byler, I was just explaining I'm not a super fan cause sometimes I feel like Will deserves better than Mike (for personal reasons). Not that he shouldn't gay or whatever. Also, toxic shippers in general. Anyways, it's got a bunch of links to other asks that dive into the topic of doing justice to Will's sexuality and the future of fem!COSMIC. Frankly, I'd appreciate if you followed this link trail (and sources below) first before asking more questions, I've answered this q kind of a lot.

     ○The first few opening chapters of the fem!COSMIC. Where all the info is on the pronoun copies.

     ○The descriptions of the fem books themselves.

     ○Anything in the COSMIC books that says 'announcement' or 'please read'.

     ○My announcement board. If you don't see it right away, that's cause I got messages on top of it. But, as of now, it's still the latest announcement I made on my wattpad message board.

     ○The #cosmic and #f!cosmic tags on tumblr

     ○This very announcement chapter. It's not unlikely I might come back and add something (noticeably at the v bottom) if I realized I forgot something.

●Again, I'm fine answering questions but I kindly ask you look/ask around first (others are more likely to help than you think!)

Well, that's all for now I suppose. I meant to get this out earlier but it just didn't happen. But it's here now! And it's official, Will Byers and Y/n Henderson are coming to an end. But fret not! You really think they could ever hate each other?! Please! There's nothing but love and encouragement there. There always has been and there always will be.

For now, let's all cross our fingers and send some good vibes to our faves on making it through vol 2 in one piece. Safe travels my friends, and I wish you well!

💕💕💕 - Yurtle

[sehnsuchts-trunken]

I don’t know how Uno works, but here’s another Uno reverse! If I’m gonna write a backstory for Lancelot, I want to read your idea on it as well :)

okay okay you posted this already and before I read yours I want to finish mine so mhm let's go

I don't think Lancelot had any relatives the way Percival did. So just picture, like, this is where we're starting, with a lonely ten year old and nothing but his grief and loss <3

anyway so I imagine that the first few months were more than just hard. Lancelot had barely any skills whatsoever, no idea of hunting or collecting berries, no idea of how to wield any weapons, and this I'd say made his chances of surviving,,, uh, zero. He had hardly any money and definitely not the right age to be living on the road.

Which is exactly what people thought that saw him scavenging. Like, no matter how dehydrated or starved he was, he certainly did not steal even once. All he ever did was pick up things that had fallen, stuff that was definitely nothing anyone else would've eaten. But he survived, somehow, and he taught himself the skill he needed to do so. After a few months, he absolutely knew how to catch fish, how to set traps, how to wield a crossbow (that he btw definitely bought with the few coin that he could make off of like, working on farms (which I'm assuming he was able to do because, like, in medieval times it's probably not too strange to see a twelve year old working on a farm) and trading meat that he doesn't need himself)

anyway dont know how to finish that sentence right there because it got too long so let's move on lol

I'm convinced that at some point, someone took him in for at least a few months. Because this bruised and bloodied and beaten and starved boy that knocked on their door to ask for money and almost cried when asked where his parents are (you can't argue that young Lancelot wasn't emotional, ffs, even older Lancelot is still emotional lol, and like it's accurate, hell, this ten year old lost his fucking family) is definitely not suited for life in the wild.

And you can't tell me that Lancelot wasn't happy and stayed there for a while and made friends with the young boy that was just a little older than him, and who he went on to trust so much and who went on to trust him so much that Lancelot, while he's travelling, gets his letters delivered there and visits often enough to actually make it worth it.

Anyway so Lancelot definitely kept on travelling shortly after (define shortly lol) because despite kind of now having some semblance of a good future in sight, his dream and his passion and whatever trauma caused him to be so fixed on this will always be becoming a Knight, and like, no matter how sweet this family is that took him in, this now uh, let's say fifteen year old Lancelot, just cannot stay.

The rest, let's say, is quite boring. Not actually boring but boring to talk about because it's obvious what happened. His travels continued, he worked on his skills, now he actually had a chance to work for money too, the only thing that really changed was that now he also made sure to, like, care for others. Just killing some rapists and robbers and protecting townsfolk, slaying some monsters, you know the drill.

And then one day, when finally he's decided to try his luck and travel to Camelot, he slays a very specific monster, and introduces himself to a very specific servant.

[aloeboba]

SO, brain said todoroki working the night shift at a cvs during the summer or something and I think this has already been done, actually (but i don’t remember it so i’m not plagiarizing).

But the absolute chaos that could string from this whole thing. He’s probably a cashier.

First off, he would be so done with this thing.

Like the weirdos who come into gas stations at 3 am are the people he has to deal with

So we have one sleep deprived todo and like 30 sketchy customers with issues

“no ma’am, the coupon isn’t valid. in fact it’s been expired since 2008″

“no sir, i can only scan one coupon per purchase, per customer”

He probably has so many of those interactions that he does, in fact, take multiple coupons at once and expired extra bucks.

Although, when its much to late for our icyhot boy, he probably messes with people on purpose just because he’s bored and too delusional to act like a sane person.

*scans card* “it won’t go through” “oh well try again” “*scans card and it goes through* it won’t go through”

*scanning a pill bottle* “you know, I heard the yakuza was using this as a front for their quirk enhancers, didn’t end well though. Turned people into giant mosquitoes. You should have seen it. Couldn’t eave my house for a month.”

Someone: *grabbing a container of ice cream*

Todo: i heard there was a lawsuit against them. something about smuggling drugs through that exact flavor. Hid it in the caramel chunks.”

If he has to suffer so do they

He also gossips with the older women.

Todoroki is the kind of guy to probably actively flirt with the manager or boss or something to get on their good side or just to get a 50 cent raise

Upgrade: he cannot flirt that well. it’s probably confusing with mixed in Spanish words (?) but the manager finds his efforts cute and somehow flattering.

He definetly bumps into a poorly disguised dabi at some point at 4 am buying cheap hair dye

Todoroki: *eye contact*

Dabi: *nervous eye contact*

Todoroki: ...

Dabi: ...

Todoroki: that’ll be 10 dollars

Dabi: but it says 6

Todoroki: its 10 dollars

*staring continues*

Dabi, who doesn’t want to make a scene: FiNe *digging around in his pocket*

The manager doesn’t tell him that they hired a new night shift shelve stalker so when he hears rustling and footsteps, he just assumes its a big rat or smth

No not a big rat

A human??

Oh uraraka

At first its kind of awkward (especially because todo got so tired of the noise he came at her with a broom and lysol; it did not end well) so they just kind of acknowledge the fact that they know each by staring at each other for minutes at a time, even when he’s checking someone out

They finally decide to talk to each other and its only chaos from there.

They race each other in baskets through the isles and replace labels on shampoo bottles

They probably sniff the perfume behind the counter and rate the smells (once todoroki stole a sample), doing bad french accents and huffing them like they were wine (that didn’t end well though because they both needed sinus medicine afterwards)

Todoroki, doing a bad french accent: ah yes, stronk, woodsy, cheap...

Uraraka: mm-hm, airy and floral, just like the fabreeze I keep in my room

Todo: this one is, yes, yes... balsomic... vinegar that is. what is this?

Uraraka: mm, bubbly and familiar. ah right, like non-toxic scented glue.

Todo: this one is-- *coughing* the worst. I do not recommend this scent, Uraraka.

They were once caught by a someone and todo gave him a dollar to keep his mouth shut

Uraraka and todoroki end up bonding or whatever in the form of pranks and chaos and end up growing closer than they thought they would

They look forward to seeing each other

What i’m trying to say here is this is romance

Todochako fam

Like right now they’re in between dating and best friends (whatever you wanna call that. Will and Grace, maybe?)

Mitsuki goes on a late night run one night and probably recognizes him as katsuki’s classmate and surprised to see him working as cashier like “dont your daddy got money??”

“yes ma’am but i despise him”

She probably goes on a rant abt katsuki and work and he just nods along and throws in a few comments about his job or whatever

“you know, you seem like a nice boy, todoroki-kun. I wouldn’t mind if you dated my son”.

“no offense, mrs. bakugou, but i would punch him.”

They become fast friends

She invites him over sometimes, at some point meets uraraka and loves her also

unfortunatly i have no more to write because i can’t think of anything else but this was fun actually :D I think this is a really fun idea so i might (or if someone else wants to) write a fic about this but idk bc i’m what the kids call “unmotivated most days” so use what you want with these.

(also, i’ve never worked at a cvs before so idk if this is accurate)

edit: i was lowkey brain dead from working on a computer all day when i wrote most of this so honestly i have no clue whats going rereading it so i apologize for the literal weirdness and parts that make no sense so i make edit it later :\

[mack3030]

Simplistic-sims post is actually not bad though?

Dont get me wrong, I dont support everything they've said or done in perpetuity. But their content for the sims is...theirs? They can make the choice to release it or keep it for themselves or only give it to their friends even. Their content, what they create, cannot be held hostage. Because no one is entitled to their work. They could close up shop tomorrow and no one could demand they come back because no one can force them to make content for people. And that isnt a hostage situation.

So them communicating to their community "Hey I can't continue to make this much content (or at all) because I have to be spending at least part of the time I currently use creating to support myself." Isn't wrong or bad. Its just...communication. Its saying if enough people keep donating I can keep going on like I have been. If not then I will be releasing less. That's just the facts of the situation. People need to make money to live. And that sucks. But if the money isnt there anymore then creators may have to move onto something else to support themselves.

At that point it is up to the community if they want content to keep coming out. If they decide to donate to help support a creator. There isnt anything coercive about that. People donate to creators all the time in other contexts/communities to help content keep rolling out. It is the same here.

I really appreciate what you've done up to now for the community, exposing issues within it. Jesus, I'm not even a simblr and I've seen the good you and Sunny have done. But we need to be better than telling people to jump off a bridge. Especially when Simplistic's response was actually one of the better ones I have seen? When others are just willing to keep paywalling and ignoring TOS? It doesnt help the cause to be a bully.

And just to be clear again, I'm not a simblr. I dont know all the nuances of Simplistic's behavior over the years. So I'm not supporting everything theyve done and said. But their original post did not deserve the vitriol you gave it.

I am Sunny. Just FYI. That's why my twitter handle is "Sunny not Mack". ;) I will admit my choice of gif reaction, probably not the best looking back however...you also have to understand that I'm a little suspicious and skeptical especially considering this is someone who was a former paywaller who made money off of taking the copyrighted designs/textures of companies like rifle paper company, and restoration hardware and applied them to maxis match meshes. Because before she even released THAT statement she had another which she deleted because it obviously didn't go over well:

In which she had a gofundme. My concern here would be this: If she treats this similar to a gofundme situation where if she has to receive a certain amount of "donations" to be able to continue making CC....what happens if she barely misses her amount she needs? Is she gonna take her ball and go home? How are people who donated money hoping she'd release content gonna feel? Are they gonna feel taken advantage of? You'd think not, but again, there's that little dangling transational aspect of it that can make some people mad. I just am suspicious because I don't know why someone who so blatently paywalled recolors of maxis' own stuff with copyrighted textures would change their tune and decide to be honest with people. That's all. I appreciate you trying to make sure I'm the best I can be though. Again, probably not the right gif reaction there, but also I'm kinda peeved because when my income (my job) was threatened by paywallers not once, not twice, but FOUR times...people like her were often strangely silent. Doesn't give me the right to take that out on her though. Thanks for being respectful about it. :)

[7wanderingpaws]

Mess We Made - first (m)

Pairing: Baekhyun x reader

Genre: arranged marriage au (not bbh), doctor AU, highschool AU (first chapter only), university AU, fluff, ANGST

Words: 9.4K

WARNINGS: mature content, unprotected sex, cheating (not bbh), terrible family relations

Quick A/N: Finally, the anticipated full story for this drabble is coming! This will have more chapters! I am a bit self-conscious about this one. But I think it is a good challenge to grow as a writer. Hopefully it worked. Please let me know what you thought? ^^

Plot: You were willing to put the both of you through suffering without realizing you might hurt Baekhyun's feelings in the process. Even though he was yours, you were never his. And he would not stand in the way anymore.

tags: @byunfirstlady​ (hope you dont mind the tag; you were interest and since its been ages I tagged you to let you know 🥺 if you want to be tagged/untagged please reply to this post)

parts: first -- second -- third -- fourth (final)

-

Mess We Made, part 1

“Psst,” you heard from your right side as you walked through the corridors of your high school. Before you even managed to look in the direction of where the sound came from, a hand grabbed you, swiftly bringing you into the darkness of the corner, the cold wall pressing into your back. Baekhyun came into view with his breath-taking smile as his lips hovered over yours, stretched out in a mischievous smile. “It's me.”

Instantly, you grinned, mimicking his wide smile. “I was looking for you.”

“Well, I found you first,” he whispered, and leaned in, pressing his lips to yours in a gentle manner.

He had been your boyfriend since the second half of the first year in high school. You were now both seniors, ready to graduate and enter your chosen universities. You both chose the same one, the idea of not being able to see each other too ugly to risk going to different schools.

You felt Baekhyun's hands slide down your sides, reaching the hem of your short uniform skirt and his feather-like touch made you squirm and laugh right into his mouth. He followed suit with giggles. “It tickles,” you said, and looked into his smiley eyes.

He hummed, though didn't stop his wandering hand as he massaged the upper part of your thigh, the touch sending trembles down your legs, your heartbeat growing frantic. “But you like it. When I touch you there.”

Your breath hitched in your throat, growing red. “Yeah. But only when it's you.”

These final months in high school were those moments when boys were becoming very horny, the skirts of the uniforms girls had to wear driving some of them crazy. Baekhyun, thankfully, wasn't as affected, though you were thinking if it was because he already had access to you. You would tear his head off if he tried to touch another girl, but he just wasn't that type of a guy.

Same went for you, too. Baekhyun had a sharp gaze and if he saw a guy trying to lift your skirt up, he would just deal with them in his hapkido language, and nobody wanted that. Baekhyun was a literal martial arts superstar of the school. And also a terrible nerd. He was cool and nerdy. What a combo.

While that was him, the smiling, mischievous boy many girls grew a humongous crush on, you were the more unfortunate one, though many would immediately disagree. A daughter to a huge business company, money was something that was never an issue, to put it lightly. Having your own personal driver, needing to attend pilates classes to keep your form, visiting a dermatologist at least twice per month, eating small portions… everything that would scream rich, was basically you, as much as you hated it.

The reason for your hatred was simple: you didn't belong to Baekhyun's world. Likewise, he didn't belong to yours. But how would that define anything, when both of you were literally all over each other at any given opportunity, feelings too strong to fight them? Did social status really mean something? Baekhyun was studying hard to become a doctor, wanting to bring children to this world, and he had one of the best grade averages in the entire institution. Meanwhile, you, of whom it was highly expected of, didn't have it like him. Studying was not exactly your forte, and you ended up following your parents requirements of applying for business school, so that you would study something that was running in the family. As long as they did not intervene in your relationship with Baekhyun, you would accept and agree to anything. But Baekhyun was untouchable. No matter what would happen, it couldn't, by any means, include him and you always made sure about it.

“'Cause you are mine,” he murmured in your ear seductively, and you melted in his arms.

“That, I am. Always,” you replied breathily, standing on your tiptoes to crash your lips on his before anyone could catch you not spending the break outside of the building.

You just wanted to spend time with him before your family would whisk you away from him, like they always did. Rarely have you had the power to decide your free time, sitting at your father's meetings, mothers cocktails, boredly listening to conversations about money transactions that made you feel uneasy.

“Plans for tonight?” he asked as he gave your thigh a final squeeze before letting go, patting your skirt back down to its normal form.

You hummed, leaning back on the wall lazily, your chest pushed out. “Grandparents are coming over. From mother’s side,” you said, already tired at the idea of the dreadful encounter.

Baekhyun nodded, though you could sense he was a bit disappointed. He never said anything, though. It was safe to say he was used to the way things were working with your family. After all, it had been two years by now. Two years of your relationship. And with each passing moment, the both of you seemed to grow even fonder of each other. He never complained. He loved you.

“Sorry,” you sighed again, closing your eyes for a moment when you felt his palm on your cheek that forced you to open them again, his gaze gentle. He leaned in, nudging you with his nose.

“There is nothing to be sorry about, love.”

“Of course there is,” you replied passionately. “I really want to spend more time with you, Baekhyun.”

“You will. We will be together. Once university starts-”

“Can you understand that you consume my thoughts every second? And when I am not with you, the time just drags and it's like a small hell because I cannot see your face-”

Baekhyun kissed you, interrupting your small outburst. You moaned quietly, shyly, bringing him closer by his tie. He played with your lips, teasing you with his tongue, but he wouldn't go further than that. You were in school and as much as he was mischievous, he wouldn't go that far. “I love you,” he whispered.

You smiled brightly. “I love you, too.”

“And I will wait for you no matter how long it takes, okay? Don't feel sorry. I should study anyway,” he shrugged nonchalantly as if it really weren’t a big deal.

You smiled proudly while massaging his ear with your hand. “Always responsible, my prince.”

Just like you knew he would be, your driver was waiting for you, his face typically devoid of any emotions as you trudged to the school gates, ignoring the snickering gazes of students scattered around the entrance. Baekhyun was with you, hand in hand and just before you would reach the car, you stopped to kiss him goodbye. 

“Text me,” you demanded, looking into his eyes.

He nodded, and his long hair fell into his eyes. “I will.”

Not wanting to let go just yet, you took the opportunity and brushed his soft hair out of his eyes while he gently gazed into yours. 

“Promise me you won’t go against your parents,” he said suddenly, his voice quiet and hushed.

You focused on him, slowly retreating your hand from his hair. “What do you mean?” you asked, despite having a very good hunch. He knew your family very well, if not from what you have told him already, then from the experiences of when you would bring him home to study together and his parents would be cold and heartless, especially to you, not accepting your relationship with Baekhyun at all.

He sighed and looked somewhere else for a moment, letting the surroundings absorb in his mind before facing you. “I don’t want something happening to you. It just seems to me that the more you go against them, the more they will push you, mentally or physically. And I don’t want that.”

His worries made you feel warm. Someone actually cared for your well-being, unlike other people you were blood-related to. “I will be a good girl, hm?” you murmured, hearing your driver opening his door to get out, obviously impatient. “I will obey. For you.”

Baekhyun nodded and pressed a kiss to your forehead. “That’s the talk. Now go, before Mr Lee loses his cool,” he said, stepping away from you and nudging his head towards your driver who already opened your car door, obviously urging you to hurry.

You pressed your lips together and waved at your boyfriend one more time before turning and sliding inside the car, the door shutting loudly behind you, voicing the driver's dissatisfaction with your attitude.

Even if you wanted to wave at Baekhyun, you knew he wouldn’t see you. The windows were completely black.

You were dressing up for the dreaded dinner when your mother entered your room. Without knocking, of course. She looked at your dress of dark-red colour combined with a cute black bow on your back. The A skirt was hugging your curves just the right way and the hem stopped in the middle of your thighs that were covered in black stockings. Stylish, you thought.

“Slutty,” was what she said, frowning, her forehead wrinkled into three layers of skin. “Change it.”

You looked at her from behind your shoulder, sending her a poker face before facing your mirror again. “I like it. I won’t change it.”

Your mother sighed, crossing her arms over her chest. “You’re ridiculous. Who are you dressing up for? Your lover boy isn’t coming tonight.”

“And whose fault is that?” you fired back, hating whenever they as much as mentioned him. He was too good to be pronounced in their mouths. “It ain’t mine, mother. So stop irking me!”

“Watch your tone,” she said in a low voice before sighing deeply and shaking her head. “Listen. Your grandfather and grandmother will be here soon, so change. You know they are very conservative.”

“I’m not even showing skin,” you muttered, frustrated.

“You’re still a high school student. You aren’t supposed to be looking like this.”

Swiftly turning around, you walked to her slowly. “I’m not supposed to be having a chest? A butt? I am still growing, you know. Out of all people, you should know.”

“You have those because you eat more than you should and thanks to your boyfriend you are more horny than it’s okay for someone your age which leads you to have a big appetite,” she deadpanned. “So cover yourself up. This is not a strip club.”

Your mouth fell open, complete disbelief widening your eyes. She must have not been serious. But you knew she was, so what was more annoying was the fact that you still got angry and you still fought back, despite knowing their preferences for years. You tried to ignore the sting in your chest when she talked about food and about the way your body naturally worked. You were a hormonal teenager. Why couldn’t she understand?

Quickly remembering the promise you made to Baekhyun, you collected yourself and, although in pain, you nodded. But before you could answer, your mother continued: “Besides. Given the nature of our get-together today, you do need to look more responsible.”

That made you frown in confusion. “What does that mean?”

She smiled, though it was rather smug than anything else. “You will find out soon enough.”

“Mum!”

“Change,” she commanded, something dark flashing in her eyes before she walked out of the room.

Annoying tears burned in your eyes, and you quickly grabbed your phone, wanting to complain to Baekhyun, but he beat you to it and you found messages from him sent only a couple of minutes ago that immediately pacified your wild emotions.

i’m thinking of you ❤️ always

even now

and even now

and now too

gorgeous 😘🥰

You smiled through your tears, the need of wanting to be with him growing by tenfold. He melted all the negative emotions you had in yourself and you sat down on your bed, your eyes scanning the texts, the emoticons, and then the picture you had for him. He was being silly on it, wearing your sunglasses and pretending to be a girl group member looking seductive.

With a final look, you nodded to yourself, determined to follow what you had promised. 

Changing into a white shirt politely tucked into a black pencil skirt with your hair strictly tied into a knot, you looked like any worker in your father's company; not standing out, conservative and a little bit numb.

Only one thing was eating you away as you made your way downstairs to the huge dining hall, your parents already  welcoming your grandparents whose eyes gave you a strict look over. 

The nature of this dinner. 

What could that be?

All of the dinners had something into it. Your parents never did anything just for the sake of doing it. If there wasn’t something profitable in the action, they would never bother. But what did they want from your grandparents?

“Oh, finally you decided to show up. What are these manners, letting your old folks wait for you, hm?” Your grandmother’s words sounded like crow’s wailing. Annoying, terribly annoying. 

“Excuse me. Had to dress up properly for your company,” you replied in a calm tone, not paying attention to her nagging. You walked up to them and bowed politely, respecting them.

Your grandma scoffed, frowning at you while your grandfather’s eyes crinkled up a bit in a small smile, though he didn’t say anything besides nodding once to acknowledge your polite greeting. 

“Let’s just sit, shall we?” your father voiced, motioning to the prepared dining table adorned in a cream table cloth. “Before the food gets cold.”

“Yes, yes, we have things to discuss anyway,” rasped your grandmother as she sat down.

Your father was at the head of the table while your mother and you sat on his right, your grandparents on the opposite site. You ended up facing your grandfather for which you were thankful. He was one of the less evil. In fact, he barely ever showed any interest in the happenings around the dirty business your family was involved in.

Now that you thought about it, you didn’t know about him and your evil grandma. You had been secluded from any warm interaction since young age, so you never even bothered asking how they met and how they fell in love. How did grandfather even deal with someone like her was beyond your understanding.

Once your mother started talking in her superior tone, you concluded that your grandfather still managed to raise up someone like your mother. He probably wasn’t any better than the rest of the family.

“We have been in close contact with the rival company,” she started and you suppressed the need to roll your eyes.

Servants put all the food in front of you; seaweed soup, lots of side dishes, meat, fish, rice, rice cakes and corn tea. You usually liked the food but given you had to listen to another business talk, you lost your appetite.

“Their son is already in his thirties, so they requested the marriage as soon as our daughter is out of high school.”

You jumped in your seat, knocking your knee in the table rather painfully. You didn’t have time to curse and look at your mother, who continued talking as if nothing was happening: “Obviously we need to finish this deal before any more losses could happen to our business. Their company is overflowing with profit-“

“What are you talking about?” you snapped, not watching your tone that came out rude.

Your father frowned. “Your attitude is honestly disappointing. How can you talk to your mother in that to-“

“I am not getting married to anyone!” you shouted, growing hot-headed, your knee throbbing in pain. “I-I have a university to attend soon! How can I marry before getting a degree?! And I have a boyfriend-“

Your mother laughed drily. “How on earth can you even consider that boy?” she said, looking at you with utmost calmness. “He is just a middle-class boy.”

Your grandmother and father joined her in chuckles. “Don’t be silly,” said your grandmother. “It’s just a high school crush. It’s always about experimenting and not understanding what love is. Silly teenager stuff.”

“What do you know about love?” you asked doubtfully, turning to your grandmother with a death glare to which she returned it back.

“How dare you question your elders?! Calm down this instant and listen!”

If it were possible, fumes would be coming out of your nose and ears. You couldn’t believe what you just heard was true. It couldn’t be. You wouldn’t allow it.

“Besides,” started your father in a scolding manner, “you are not good at studies. We agreed to let you attend the university you chose, but your studies will be fruitless since you didn’t study as you were told to. You aren’t a man either,” he scoffed and gave a side eye to your mother who now froze. “But that isn’t your fault that you weren’t born a man. That’s someone else’s.”

Completely at loss for words, you fell back in your chair, devastated at what you just heard. Not only he degraded you, but he now attacked your mother.

In a sudden need to defend your mother as a woman rather than as your parent, you snapped: “It’s the amount of sperm that a man manages to put into a woman that decides the gender. If it’s anyone’s fault that I am a girl, it’s yours!”

Everyone went silent at what you just said, your father so shocked his mouth hung open. He blinked a few times, regaining his posture but you were already standing up. “I am not marrying anyone! I already have a boy-“

“So you do all the dirty stuff with this boyfriend of yours and that’s why your mouth is so nasty!” came your father’s voice like a thunder.

“She needs to break up with him. He is no good influence on her,” butted in your grandmother nonchalantly as she slurped her seaweed soup.

You snapped your eyes to her, and to your grandfather who was frowning down at his empty plate.

“I won’t break up with Baekhyun.”

“Then keep your delusions up. But once you're out of high school, the ceremony will take place,” said your mother resolutely, sending daggers your way. 

“I don’t want to do anything with your business,” you now said in despair. “I don’t want to own your company!”

Your father snickered drily in disgust. “You won’t own our company, daughter. You’re useless as it is, so we are going to merge the companies. That’s the only way we can save our hard work.”

You shook your hair. “No, I refuse!”

“You don’t have a choice,” shrugged your mother now turning back to her plate. “You can do whatever you want, but your fate is in our hands. That’s why,” she emphasized and looked at you, “for your own good, break up with your boyfriend. He is no good news. Save yourself the heartbreak. He is with you for the money anyway.”

You stood frozen, keeping the gasp in. Tears were spilling out of your eyes and you turned around, running back to your room, sobs leaving your mouth.

You always knew your family was a nightmare - cold, scary, emotionless. But this was too much for your young self.

All you wanted was warmth, safety and honest emotions.

All of those were what Baekhyun offered you.

He was more than just a boyfriend.

He was love.

That night, you didn't call Baekhyun, instead deciding to text him back to let him know that everything went fine. He was studying anyway, and if you wanted something, it was for him to become successful in a field that he was passionate about. Unlike you, who barely had any hobbies, let alone passions.

Finally crying yourself to sleep around 3am, your alarm went off too early in the morning, a strong headache first thing you felt as you turned off the blaring thing.

Sighing, you fell back on the comfortable pillows, their lavender smell engulfing your senses and momentarily offering a calming pat on your headache. Closing your eyes, you felt your eyes well up again, the idea of having to break up with Baekhyun just not adding up in your mind. How could you do that? Why would you deprive yourself of the only source of light you had in your life? For someone you never even met. Someone who seemed to be much, much older than you.

“I'm not doing it,” you whispered into the stillness of your room, your voice hoarse. Tears slid out of your eyes and down your sides until they tickled your ears. “I'm not.”

And with that, you faced your day; you washed up, put on your uniform, packed the necessary books and headed out, not saying your morning greetings, nor eating breakfast. Ignoring your surroundings, you went out not even waiting for your driver. You decided you will take the mundane route to school that day: bus and metro like Baekhyun did everyday.

“Hey, are you okay?” Someone’s fingers appeared in the line of your vision. Fingers all too familiar.

You looked up to see a worried Baekhyun, his shirt untucked and his tie loosen-up around his neck giving him the typical goofy, laid-back look that lived up very well to his personality. You managed to smile. “Yeah, just tired. Didn’t get to sleep much.”

“And why is that?” he asked, taking the closest seat to yours, looking around to check if the owner of the seat wasn’t there. When you pursed your lips, debating what to say, he added gently: “What is bothering you, hm? You know you can tell me.”

Releasing probably the nth sigh of that day, you closed your eyes for a moment before looking at him. “Let’s talk after school maybe. It’s not something to discuss here.”

Baekhyun nodded but you saw the rapid thinking his mind drifted off to. He could sense trouble, especially with your family. “Alright, let’s do that. But your driver-“

“He didn’t drive me to school, so he won’t be driving me from school,” you said in a monotone and Baekhyun raised an eyebrow at that.

“How did you come to school?”

You shrugged. “Like you do everyday. Public transport.”

Slowly, his mouth stretched to a soft, lopsided smile, his hand reaching out to caress your cheek with the back of his fingers. “Enjoyed it?”

You mimicked his smile, his touch easing up the tension you couldn’t get rid of since last night. “Yeah, thoroughly. Only you were missing. Then it would be perfect.” 

His smile only grew and you turned your head slightly, kissing his hand before he retracted it, keeping the eye contact while he kissed the same spot your lips touched on his hand.

You watched in small awe and you giggled when he added a louder smooch. “You’re unbelievable.”

He let out a laugh, standing up when the bell rang. “But you love me.” He squeezed your shoulder.

“That I do.”

After that, you couldn’t focus any more in any of the classes. Once again it was proved that you wouldn’t be able to even imagine your life without Baekhyun next to you. Yes, the idea of marriage was scary but you’d marry him. In an instant.

Finally coming up with a way to make something out for yourself and of that damn deal your parents made, you slipped out of the classroom as soon as the bell rang announcing the end of your last class of that day. Quickly pulling out your phone, you hid in the toilets and dialed your mother's phone who lazily picked up after countless attempts.

“What.”

So you were still in a war zone. “If I am to get married,” you started without further ado, “he can not touch me. And I won’t be breaking up with Baekhyun.”

It was silent for a moment before your mother let out a laugh. “Oh, honey. We do want you to finish university first before anything else will happen.”

She didn’t add anything more which confused you. “Okay, either way, I won’t be breaking up with Baekhyun.”

“Do whatever you deem correct. Though I bet he won’t like you getting married to someone else? Didn’t you always say how loyal he was?”

You grit your teeth. “Why do you suddenly care about his loyalty?” you hissed, pacing in the small toilet space. “That isn’t your business. You will always get what you want and I already said I will comply but on my terms.”

“Your terms are cheating on your husband? Or on your boyfriend? I really don’t know where this attitude comes from in you. Neither me nor your father are like that-“

Before she could finish, you burst out laughing. “What? You aren’t like that? Don’t be delusional, mother. You’re trying to marry me off for your own profit!” you exclaimed, raising your voice. “The only thing I am asking - no, I am going to do it whether you like it or not. I will be with Baekhyun. I’ll be with him until he breaks up with me.” Because there was no way you would do it.

Your mother was silent for a moment and then she sighed. “Do as you want. As long as you sign the papers…” she trailed off. “I have a meeting now. Let’s discuss once we are home.” And she ended the call.

You realized you were trembling only when you finally let your hand dangle next to your body, already tired from the fights. 

At least she didn’t say anything against the idea.

You took it as a positive sign.

You didn’t go home that night. Baekhyun suggested to sleep over at his house and you gladly agreed. It wouldn't be the first and certainly not the last time. His parents knew you well and you always felt their warm welcome whenever Baekhyun brought you home with him. His mother was a great cook and whenever you saw her, you were reminded of Baekhyun's kind smile.

“Are you staying for the night?” asked his mother with a laugh when you greeted her with a polite bow.

You smiled shyly, nodding and looking up at Baekhyun who was gazing down at you encouragingly. “Yes, if that is okay, auntie.”

“Of course! It's Friday night anyway. My son just keeps studying and not living his young life properly so please, be our guest.”

“Thank you,” you smiled and she said she would prepare a late dinner for you while you and Baehyun went to his room to change into something more comfortable.

“Could you borrow me some of your clothes?” you asked once in his room as you were working on unbuttoning your uniform's shirt and watched shirtless Baekhyun roam in his drawer for your favourite shirt of his.

“Here you go,” he said, coming up to you with the shirt and joggers, but instead of handing them to you, he just put them on the bed and mumbled a soft: “Let me.”

His fingers took over the unbuttoning process, and you closed your eyes at the feathery touch of his hands as he uncovered more skin. When he was reaching your stomach, he paused and you cracked your eyes open, finding him gazing at you intently before his eyes fell to the middle of your breasts that were exposed. He unbuttoned the last two buttons swiftly and then pushed his hands inside the shirt, dragging his fingertips over your hips and waist, tapping each bone of your ribcage until he slid his hands up to your shoulders, sliding the material off. “You want to keep your bra?” he asked, almost as if he wasn't breathing loudly, mimicking your rapidly rising and falling chest.

Shaking your head gently, you mumbled a soft no before he nodded in acknowledgement and with one hand unclasped the bra. He stepped even closer, your nose almost touching his broad and very naked chest. You felt his breath on your cheek as he whispered, pulling on the straps of your bra: “May I?”

Swallowing harshly, you nodded and looked up at him to find his fiery gaze intently set on you. When he pushed the straps off your shoulders and your bra fell to the floor, you shivered at the cool air hitting the hot skin as Baekhyun's fingers were back again, dragging them from your back through your underarms until he reached the sides of your breasts. His breathing was irregular, hot puffs hitting your face while you whimpered softly, egging him on to finally grab you.

“You're so beautiful,” he whispered shakily and you let out a loud sigh when he finally took a hold of your mounds, squeezing them gently in his palms.

You brought your arms around his neck, stretching the skin on your chest and you kissed him hungrily, the heat in your core growing almost painful for not being satisfied as you so badly wished you would be.

Baekhyun pushed his tongue into your mouth, going for a dirty kiss right away as he gave a final, stronger squeeze to your breasts before letting them go, bringing his hands down to your backside, bunching up your skirt in lust. He let out a satisfied moan when he grabbed the meat, his finger momentarily sliding inside and between your thighs. You were fast to break the kiss, needing air and also needing to whine because you needed him so badly.

His naked torso pressed now to yours, his hands cheekily teasing you and grabbing you, he was all about games.

“Baekhyun, the food is ready! Come quickly before it gets cold!” shouted his mother down the hallway, thankfully not coming to Baekhyun's room. You froze in his arms nonetheless to which he chuckled.

“Relax,” he murmured, pressing his face into your neck. “She knows not to disturb when my door is closed and you are with me.”

Letting out a breathy laugh, you let go of him just when he did.

“Once we are back,” he said, helping you put on his big t-shirt. “I will take care of that wetness down there. Seems pretty severe.”

You quirked an eyebrow, looking at the tent that was asking for attention over his joggers. “You sound so unaffected.”

He looked down just where your eyes were set and chuckled as if it was nothing. “Oh, sweetie, it's always like this when I'm with you. I just can't help it,” he said and leaned in, biting your earlobe. “You bring out the man in me.”

Everything was a long lost dream and you should have known it. Things you imagined and desired were not what the reality had in store for you, and it just made it more difficult for you to face Baekhyun. Even when you went on the last high school trip where you had the biggest fun, made the most exciting memories, sneaking behind the group to steal a small kiss, even all of that was not able to lighten up your damp mood. Somehow, it was possible for you to fake it, but you would have been dumb if you ever thought Baekhyun believed your words or smiles. He could sense trouble from miles and given the nature of your family, he was always well-aware of how many troubles could grow overnight in your household. He just wouldn't know the severity of the problem. And you weren't planning to tell him, just like you promised yourself and your mother, not until Baekhyun would break up with you.

And right now, it was your graduation day.

The D-day had come when you would have to say goodbye to all your friends, even the fake ones, and you would be a little closer to losing Baekhyun. Except you wouldn't know it would happen that fast.

“Congratulations!” squealed Baekhyun's mother who was fast to hug Baekhyun and you both at the same time, squeezing you to her chest. Your face was pushed into the colourful bouquet of flowers that smelled wonderfully - but from a distance. You tried to  squeeze your eyes shut but you just looked down, catching Baekhyun's worn-out converse sneakers.

Baekhyun snorted a laugh when he saw your face in the freezias, and gently pushed you away from his mother to protect you. As you straightened up, you managed to scrunch your face just in time to sneeze.

“Oh dear, I'm so sorry,” giggled Baekhyun's mother and even his father chuckled from behind her which made your heart warm up.

“It's alright, auntie,” you waved your hand, feeling your eyes watering up but you laughed nonetheless because - how could you ever be mad at such a sweet woman who was the only person on Earth to have the right to call Baekhyun hers? As much as you wished, you were nowhere near close to have the right for him to be yours. And maybe you would never be. “Looking at you, I wonder how was my son able to sweep you off of your feet! You're so beautiful!”

You smiled shyly and felt Baekhyun's soft gaze on you, ready to reach out for your hand before his mother pushed the bouquet into his arms. “This is for you, son, and this is for you, my dear,” she said, giving you one as well.

Just when you were about to thank her politely and bow, your mother's cold voice interrupted the merry atmosphere, your happy smile dying down as you turned to face her, your father and a- stranger? A man, to be exact.

“Here you are,” she said, sending a cold smile towards Baekhyun's parents, ignoring your boyfriend altogether. She stepped closer so she wouldn't be overheard, and muttered: “I guess your wishes will come true soon.” She leaned back and you followed her with your eyes as she stepped aside. “Mr Kwon, please meet my daughter,” she introduced you before continuing, “and this is Mr Kwon Minheob, your fiancée. Greet him properly!” she ordered but you didn't even process what she said.

Standing frozen, your arms were about to let go of the bouquet you just received were it not for Baekhyun who was fast enough to get the flowers out of your grasp. “Oh, that's great news! I'll take these for you!” he exclaimed with a smile and you looked at him with pure horror in your eyes. “Congrats by the way! I will miss you as my classmate!” he added and quickly bowed to your parents. “I'll see you around someday!” And with that, he turned and left.

In that instance, many things were swirling around in your brain - complete, utter shock, overwhelm, fear, heartbreak. What did Baekhyun just do? Why did he say that? And where was he going-

“Nice to meet you,” said the older male with a deep voice. You turned your stare back at him, hearing your heart beating in your ears. “What a pleasure to finally meet you. I have heard a lot about you and your studies. It is so nice of you to lower yourself and your status and attend a regular high school with ordinary people. I believe we will have a lot in common.” He finally uncrossed his hands from behind his back and you found a pastel pink bag dangling off of his somewhat thick fingers. “And this is my congratulatory present for you. Congratulations on graduating high school.”

Once again, you just stared at the bag, unable to make your own hand move and accept the gift with a polite bow like you were expected to. The only thing ringing in your mind was Baekhyun and him only. He found out much sooner than he was supposed to and you hated yourself because he was most probably hating you right now. What was worse - his parents were there, too. They all saw it when it all seemed like you were just about to stay with their son forever. Yet, your family, as always, ruined it all and you weren't sure if you would recover.

Looking up to the tall, grown man, it didn't take you a lot to know he was far from anyone you could have feelings for, ever. The words he just spoke, the malice he said them with, was everything you were standing for. Obviously, he was no one you could have things in common with.

Your father stepped next to you and, painfully, pinched your side, making you gasp and automatically reach out for the gift with a low bow. His fingers were squeezing your skin through your dress and it rushed tears in your eyes, but you blinked them away while accepting the gift and staring at the polished shoes of Kwon Minheob.

“Nice to meet you,” you mumbled, straightening up. The gift bag felt heavy in your hand but you tried not to pay too much attention to it. Eventually, your father also removed his hand from your back and he gave you a pressed smile, though you didn't look at him. “Congratulations, our daughter. Now we can go all to our house and have a good di-”

“I'm sorry, but I still have, eh, friends to greet and meet,” you said, “we also all agreed to have our last meal together as a class,” you added, looking up to meet your father's eyes. You weren't lying; the entire class wanted to meet and have chicken and beer. Preferably spend the time loudly somewhere in a good restaurant.

He shot you a dissatisfied scowl, but you held his gaze. “Until when? You won't be meeting them anyway, why waste time?”

“Exactly,” pressed your mother and smiled brightly at Mr Kwon, who kept observing you with quite an unreadable expression. “And we have Mr Kwon to entertain.”

Quite literally you thought you would start wailing right then and there; everyone was going against you, nobody seeming to listen to your words. Just when you felt tears prickle your eyes, Mr Kwon spoke up and surprised all of you.

“That is not necessary,” he declared, giving a curt smile towards your parents, “she is still young and should enjoy her classmates one last time. I suppose it will be difficult to do it once they all go their own way,” he said in a diplomatic voice, looking at you the entire time. It took a lot in you not to flinch and shudder under his gaze. “So go and enjoy, miss, and I will meet you soon to have a more private conversation with you.” You nodded quickly, though blood was already draining from your face at the idea of what he suggested. Mr Kwon turned to your parents. “I will leave you to entertain your daughter and I will reach out soon.”

Before anyone else could say another word, he gave a short bow and disappeared in the mass of people.

“You do realize-” your mother started, but you were fast to push the bag into her chest, not caring whether she caught it or not, and dashing for the direction that Baekhyun disappeared into.

Of course you were aware how much you would get scolded once you actually faced your parents, but right now you couldn't care less. It was better to get scolded, but losing Baekhyun or even making him hurt just the tiniest of bits made you resent yourself.

And so you pushed past crowds, stopping to say hi, keeping an eye out for any coconut head out there with a family that shone brighter than yours would ever shine. Just when you were about to lose it and start straight up crying in the middle of the crowd, you felt a hand intertwining with yours and you just knew. He didn't turn you around, but you felt his body behind yours and it was you who turned, facing him with a scared expression. 

“Baekhyun,” you whimpered. Seeing his kind smile made you want to slap him because why was he like that after what he heard?

“Hm? Want to tell me about it now?” he asked gently and combed your hair out of your face, his smile growing by an inch. “Pretty.”

You took a deep breath, shakiness overtaking your legs from unwanted pressure. “It isn't what you think it is.”

“Then what is it?”

“I don't want to marry him,” you said and this time, your tears rapidly grew in your eyes and were rolling down your cheeks. “I-I-I never… I mean, not yet. I did-didn't know he would come, I never saw him before and-”

“Shhh, calm down,” he hushed, bringing your face to his chest, hugging you to himself. “Let's talk about it another time.”

“No,” you said, hiccuping, “I am not losing you, Baekhyun.”

“You aren't.” “I'm not losing you,” you repeated, closing your eyes and pressing your face more into him, taking a deep breath of his scent, feeling up his warmth and presence. “I'm not losing you.”

He called your name gently. “It's fine. Don't cry, hm? You know I can't stand seeing you cry. I am not mad and I'm not going anywhere,” he whispered urgently into your ear.

“I just hate my family so much,” you mumbled into his chest. Baekhyun's shirt must have been stained by make-up by then, but neither of you cared. “And I don't want their terrible attitude to damage you.”

“It won't damage me. You are important to me, you. Look at me, hm? Look at me, darling.”

You sniffed and stepped away a little, tilting your head so you could see his kind eyes. He cooed, reaching up to run his thumbs under your eyes. “My little raccoon. Let's enjoy today, alright? Just us. And our classmates,” he added with a little laugh.

You smiled weakly, nodding. Anything Baekhyun wanted, he would get from you.

Your entire class hoarded into a chicken restaurant in Hongdae, the loud cheers and chatterings making many people turn in interest to look at you. You sat down around your girlfriends while you let, though reluctantly, Baekhyun join his pals. Even though you would exchange reassuring looks here and there, you still felt incredibly anxious about the incident earlier. In fact, you were so swallowed up by the idea of losing Baekhyun that you didn't  even think about the actual fiancée, Mr Kwon.

But instead of focusing on that, you decided to enjoy tonight, for you knew events like these won't be coming up for you anytime soon. If anything, your freedom was close to gone.

“I am going to start my own clothing brand,” started one of your classmates that was sitting next to you, munching on her piece of chicken meat. She went on spilling many details that didn't add up in your brain, though you listened carefully to every word she said.

“You don't have your degree yet,” you replied eventually and took a gulp of your coke.

“Funny, coming from someone like you,” she snickered, “you can decide you want to own an island and you will.”

You sighed, rolling your eyes but your classmate just shrugged.

“I can assure you she won't,” came in Baekhyun's voice. “I know it pretty well, since I'm her boyfriend.”

The girls exchanged looks. They all had a secret crush on him, so his words made them a little embarrassed. “Would you even marry her?” they teased.

“I would. In a heartbeat,” was his answer and you looked at him with huge eyes, your mouth that was slightly oily from the chicken hanging open, your heart frantically beating in your chest.

The entire table hollored and whistled, and you caught your boyfriend smiling proudly at you, eventually sending a confident wink. He tapped his mouth with his index finger and then pointed at you. You felt your lips stretch instantly, because you knew he meant “close your mouth”.

“Whew, you really are lucky,” muttered the girl next to you, changing the topic completely.

His hand was intertwined with yours once again as you were slowly walking along the Han river. Ttukseom Han river park was, as always, busy with young people. It gave a great view on Gangnam and Cheongdam that were lying on the opposite side, the city lights of the tall buildings reminding you how life revolved around money and basically anything that smelled even the slightest of capitalism. You found yourself despising all of it.

“Cat stole your tongue?” muttered Baekhyun playfully into the chilly air as he swayed your connected hands.

“Just… thinking,” you replied and made sure your sides were brushing.

He didn't reply, instead letting silence overtake again, but you knew he was curious. He wanted to, and deserved, to know.

“Did you mean it?” you asked, looking at the dark water.

“Did I mean what?”

“That you would marry me in a heartbeat,” you said softly, scared to actually pronounce those words. They sounded so unnatural, for some reason, despite them mirroring everything you ever wanted in life. “What you said during dinner.”

“Yes, I meant it and you know it, too, sweetheart,” he said, shaking your hand.

You smiled to yourself. If you wouldn't spill the beans now, you would probably never find the guts to talk about the main issue that was simmering like the water in a pressure cooker. “My parents want me to marry that man for business. Something along merging their companies or whatever,” you started. “I found out a while ago but I was fighting them. And then you made me promise to obey,” you sighed, feeling the well-known dread eating up your insides, “and I had to agree. But I don't want to.”

“So that's why you weren't yourself,” he muttered more to himself than to you, and he stopped walking so he could look at you properly. When you wouldn't meet his eye, too ashamed, he put his index finger under your chin and made you tilt your head up. “Why didn't you just tell me from the beginning?”

“Baekhyun,” you whispered in disbelief, “how could I? It isn't some news about apples growing backwards.”

He chuckled. “Well, you have to admit, that would make the headlines.”

You giggled, rolling your eyes. “You know what I mean.”

He let out another chuckle through his nose and slid his hand up so he could cup your cheek lovingly while thinking over his next words. “When are you supposed to marry him?”

You swallowed. “Maybe after uni? I … I never wanted to talk to them, so I don't know exactly… I insisted after university graduation.”

He hummed, running his thumb over your lower lip, his gaze focused on the way he parted your lips. “So, we have four more years?”

You pursed your lips, not liking the idea of having limited time with Baekhyun. “Of course not. I will always be with you.”

He sighed, and eventually dropped his hand on your shoulder; you tried not to feel disappointed. “I think this is more complicated than you think, love.”

“How is it complicated, Baekhyun?” you asked stubbornly. “I love you. I saw that man today for the first time in my life. How can I marry someone I don't know and barely ever saw? He is almost twice my age, Baekhyun. You know this is not okay and you also know it doesn't make any sense.”

“And you know business is anything but emotions,” was his fast reply.

“I don't care about their business.”

“And they don't care that you don't care.”

“Bu-but I just don't care! I will be with you behind his back and-”

“And how would that make me feel?” he fired back, now both of you slowly getting heated up from the small exchange of opinions. Baekhyun just asked something you never wanted him to utter. If you were to talk about him, of course, he was the victim. He'd become a secret lover; the forbidden fruit.

When you didn't reply, he nodded, his hand falling off your shoulder. “I understand.”

“Baekhyun, let's talk about this step by step,” you tried, reaching for his hand which he, thankfully, didn't retreat. “We still have a long time until any of those things could even happen. Maybe it won't happen - and I will try my best not to let it happen. But let it not affect our present. Please,” you added with urgency, looking into his warm eyes.

When Baekhyun was troubled or sad, his eyes seemed to become even more down-ward than they already were. This time, it was no exception and you wanted to reach out and make the wrinkles go away but you didn't. “Let me just think this matter through, alright?” he murmured eventually.

You pressed your lips together and nodded while you stepped close to him, snaking your arms around his waist. He gladly took you in, letting out a deep sigh as he hugged you to him and kissed the top of your head. “It will be okay.”

“May I sleep at yours tonight?” you mumbled into his shoulder after a moment of silence. “I just cannot imagine going back to that hell.”

He rubbed your back gently. “Of course. My mum is already expecting us. We shouldn't disappoint her.”

You leaned back a bit and stood on your toes to press your lips to his. “You're the best.”

And so, after walking a little bit longer and enjoying the faraway noise of the busy roads and nightlife Seoul, you slowly made your way back to the metro station, heading for Baekhyun's house, and your safety.

The both of you were lying on his bed, his parents long asleep, the quietness of the apartment giving you a sense of safeness. Baekhyun had a book open on his lap while you were doodling something you weren’t sure what was yet. Manual work seemed to preoccupy your mind enough and sadly, even with Baekhyun next to you, you couldn’t find your peace of mind. 

“Aren’t you tired yet?” whispered Baekhyun and looked at you, and on the paper to see what you were so focused on. “It’s already 1am. Your parents will want you home early-“

Your sigh interrupted him and you put down the pencil rather harshly as you sat up properly to face him. “Since when do you care about them? You know I will go home whenever I want to. I don’t care, so you shouldn’t either.”

“I don’t want you to get into trouble, okay?” he said back, his voice quiet but low. “There has been enough drama.”

“What worse can happen? They want me to let go of you. That is the worst punishment for me.”

Baekhyun’s gaze softened and he also sat up properly to face you. “I know. I can’t lose you either. And I wasn’t intending on that. I meant that they might lock you up and then I won’t be able to see you so soon, hm?” he murmured gently, his lips puckering with each word as he reached out with his hand to caress your cheek. You leaned into his touch right away. “I want to enjoy what we have now.”

You smiled gently when you recognized your previously uttered words and grabbed his hand that was cradling your cheek. “You know I would sneak out just to meet you if I were to be locked up.”

He rewarded you with a lopsided, handsome smile. “You shouldn’t, you little devil.”

You sighed and shimmied yourself closer until your knees were touching his. “Kiss me,” you whispered breathily, already eyeing his lips.

He observed you a little longer before his eyes dropped on yours. Softly smiling, he leaned in, now both of his hands on your neck to angle your face. The softest of touches was what you felt first before he pressed his lips harsher, moving his mouth against yours. Your hands snaked around his neck to urge him on while he opened your mouth and invited himself in. Without meaning to, you let out a satisfied hum that seemed to ignite Baekhyun because he pressed harder, slowly making you fall back on your back, head on the pillows.

He grunted as you spread your legs so he could settle himself there as your kiss grew dirtier, all tongues and teeth, battling for dominance. Your fingers were messing up his hair while his hands were touching you over the fabric of his pyjamas.

It was your whines and a couple of pulls on the hem of his shirt that made Baekhyun lean back so that you could undress in haste, both of you eager and very much horny. Finally feeling the hot skin of his chest press up against yours he was too eager and he already lined himself up at your center, needing the release without any foreplay.

“Just keep quiet, alright?” he reminded softly into your ear under which he placed the softest kiss before he started pushing in, your mouth falling open, but your juices doing a good enough job for his easy access.

You gasped rather loudly and he silenced you with a messy kiss, interrupting it with harsh pants on your mouth as his eyes were closed in focus, his forehead pressed against yours. You panted and tilted your head to chase his parted lips while he pushed himself in all the way, reaching the stillness that you very much needed.

Unable to take the pain, your eyes were squeezed shut, scratching Baekhyun’s back while the other hand fisted his blanket. 

“Just a little longer,” Baekhyun whispered urgently, lips against your forehead, repeatedly puckering them in tiny butterfly  kisses. “The pain will be all gone, I promise. I’ll make you feel like no one on this planet.” He moved the slightest bit, the friction making him hide his face in your neck and mouth at the skin.

Your heaving chest was pressing up against his and with his next movement, you felt the tingles of pleasure that he promised you just heartbeats ago. Giving Baekhyun the sign to move, he started rocking, already setting up a faster pace for he couldn’t wait any longer. Your influence on him was too strong, his emotions for you too overwhelming. In his eyes, you were so sexy, beautiful, sensitive, and absolutely alluring. It would be brutal if he had to hold back while having you underneath him.

Who did he try to lie to? He went absolutely crazy at the idea of him having to leave you for another man; some old dude who didn’t even know you. It might have been the reason why he grew relentless, pushing you into his mattress and snapping his hips, your face of pure ecstasy only fueling his passionate drive. He hated the entire situation. He didn’t want to share you. He never wanted to have a secret relationship with you. If he imagined a future, besides him becoming a doctor, it was your presence next to his the entire time.

Baekhyun was never one to be aggressive and stubbornly go against every rule, unlike you. In your relationship, he was the cold-headed one, the peace-maker, always fighting for what the brain said instead of the heart.

But right now, his heart was in despair, already feeling the beginning of a heart break. He thrusted into you with such passion you really couldn't contain your moans and he wasn’t sure he wanted you to keep quiet anymore. Let everyone know that you belonged to him.

He bit your skin just under your collarbones, tasting the sweat, and you gasped, fisting his hair which prompted him to grunt and reach your g-spot.

“Cum for me,” he whispered harshly, biting you again and then moving his face to push his tongue into your open mouth. “Cum for me and say my name.”

He didn’t have to tell you as you were already panting his name like a mantra that would bring you to heaven. Your walls were pleasurably stretched out, the throaty sounds he made bringing you over the edge. He followed soon after your breathy moans and your arching back that caused your breasts to press to his sweaty chest made him lose it.

His arms snaked in the space between your back and the mattress and he squeezed your body to him, hiding his face in your breasts that he mouthed and licked at sensually while feeling himself release.

With one last bite to your sensitive nipple, he moved to kiss you, your tired smile welcoming him. “I love you.”

You combed his hair away from his damp forehead. “I love you more.” But please don't leave me.

--

CuriousCat Ask box is also open! Or comments!💕

[sodrippy]

Could you tell us more about why you hate auteur theory? (I don't really like it either, but I also don't know a lot of 'film nerds' and I'm curious about your thoughts)

hi id love to!

(if anyones not familiar, auteur theory is a film theory from the 50s/60s that posits the director as the central creative force behind a film)

i think i hate it a little less in its original form, where the director often was actually taking on other roles, most prominently as a writer, but even personally editing or shooting their film in some cases, because then they really DO have more creative control overall. plus it was in part a reaction to the commercialisation of film in the west, so in terms of putting creative control back in the hands of the actual creatives behind a film rather than bending to what studios think will make them money, i can get behind auteur theory.

over time though, the term has become so watered down that now it just means the director is god and everyone else is a thoughtless little cog in their machine, which is so disrespectful and so ANNOYING. like, you cannot call the director on some billion dollar movie an auteur bc they dont really do jack fucking shit actually. id say lots of smaller films can still fit into this theory, where an independent director is the one whos come up with the story concept themselves and helped to write the screenplay, and is heavily involved in the editing process and so on, but the bigger a project gets (in my experience) the less true 'control' the director has.

personally, the way i view it is, if the director didn't come up with the story or didn't co-write the screenplay, then they are nothing to me they are just some guy they're not the driving creative force.

as someone who's involved in film myself, the main reason that i hate auteur theory is that its really just so disrespectful to film crews (on set and post) and moreover disrespectful and dismissive of filmmaking as an art form. film is inherently a collaborative art, and even if some people argue 'yeah but the director is the one telling everyone what to do and how to do it' thats such a simplistic take on it. some directors are very specific about what they want, yes, of course, but a lot of times a director will give a brief on what they want, and the relevant department will create the specifics, or they'll say 'right we can do that, but this might be much better' or whatever. filmmaking is a very fluid process as well, and things change all the time, and i think if you think that the director is in charge of it all youre very unfamiliar with how it works. it makes me really cranky when i see people talk about when things go wrong or look bad in films and they immediately blame the dop or (so so SO common) the post production departments, as if its a huge failure on their part. like ok if directors are kings, why dont you blame them for the bad shit too? or do you only think theyre in control when magic happens?

lastly, because i am running late for work now, the whole auteur aura tbh just makes excuses for sloppy work. i just worked on a project with a notoriously Auteur style director, and from what i heard about how he works, being on set is fucking hell. oftentimes when you trust in a director's 'creative vision' you sacrifice discipline and scheduling and lots of other organization that is so crucial to getting a job done on time and with high quality results, bc youre basically just working at the whim of one guy who's more concerned about realizing a singular vision than they are with the practicalities of making a film.