#but. man robby as a character is so confusing at this point. like what purpose does he actually serve anymore

[unpassive-viewer]

Hi Barbie!

Saw Barbie this week, as everyone else probably did as well. Seeing everyone in hot pink was very wholesome.

The movie itself was... a lot. Not something I'd watch without the fanfare. Two hours of staring at hot pink was overwhelming, to say the least. It was definitely something I had to digest afterwards - it was like a two hour fever dream. The best thing I can liken it to was a very long SNL skit with incredible acting. Seriously, the actors in this film were pulling all the stops. Kate McKinnon in particular was great as Weird Barbie. Onto the review ~

The good:

The acting, obviously. Ryan Gosling was giving "Brad Pitt cameoing in Deadpool for the price of a coffee" - the man was LIVING. Absolutely setting the theatre kid in him free. Margot Robbie's crying scene was very real and emotional, I almost forgot I was watching a movie about a toy. America Ferrera is a goddess, I think she was perfect for her role.

The set design and costumes. Oh my goodness was the whole movie so fun. I might get crucified for this, but in terms of matching the whole set, this film reminds me of the 2003 Cat in the Hat. Unhinged and yet very well assembled.

The cinematography. The film was incredibly well shot. I loved the transition montages going between Barbieland and the real world, they were very different. I also liked the wide shots of Barbie, especially at the end. Also, as Alan from CinemaTherapy will tell you, the most versatile tool a director and actor have are close up shots of the actor. This movie employed that tactic expertly.

The comedy. Really well written, and clearly very often improvised. I felt like it drew a good balance.

The less good:

The pacing. While the monologues were amazing, I didn't feel like the movie gave viewers time to root for any of their characters... except Ken. I would have liked if we got more time with the humans beyond the car chase scene. I simply did not feel there was enough character development. Ken is... well, he's just Ken. He's simple and funny. I think I would like Stereotypical Barbie's narrative more with a second watch, it was just a lot to process on a 70 foot screen.

The theme. Do not get mad at me for this, please. I spent a lot of the film trying to figure out who the target audience of this film is, because all of the feminist overtones were so... obvious? America Ferrera's monologue in particular. Women already know all of what she said - it is born into us and moulded for our entire lives. And the part where the Mattel CEO tells Barbie to get back in the box... that felt like low hanging fruit. Was the purpose to make women feel seen, or was it an attempt to communicate something to a non-woman audience? Because that demographic has been touch and go with this whole production. It was a fun way to see it articulated, but I am still confused. Especially since Greta Gerwig's other films also touch on remarkably similar topics already. Who is this for?

Overall I think the societal reaction to this film has been more dramatic than anything contained in the movie itself. It does not make egregious statements - if anything it's a bit of a dumbed-down feminist message. Even the lyrics to the music makes is as easy as possible to comprehend the message that's being delivered. Greta Gerwig is not doing subliminal messaging, she wanted the whole audience to know EXACTLY what she was communicating... and somehow so many people still missed the point.

However, it has really seemed like the perfect storm in terms of timing and marketing reach. The fact that a message like this would get this big right now in the wake of all that is happening to women in the world - specifically the western world where this will be the most popular - is kind of incredible. I feel like Greta Gerwig is executing a Taylor Swift-level master plan.

Honestly, the most insane part of this to me is seeing all of the men who have complaints that Ken was "dumbed down" and cries of "not all men" as if there is not an obviously unproblematic man represented in the film. If you align yourself with Ken and not Alan... buddy do I have some news for you. But all of those arguments have been made already, so I will leave it at that.

Basically, go see Barbie. It's fun, it's a good balance of comedy and gut-wrenching grief for your girlhood and for your sisters, and the cult activity of everyone wearing pink to the theatre is like... my favourite thing. This was my Star Wars, people committed to the bit.

As a final thought I'd like to thank the guy who was sitting behind me in the theatre who was crying laughing at all the jokes, I think you brought me back to life with that.

[thattimdrakeguy]

I’m honestly so confuse if Tim is really Robin again or not. In joker war, he was called Red Robin despite having a Robin costume on and he was called Drake in one of the nightwing issues. Also Jorge Jimenez and Tom Taylor have been hinting a new supersons project, so maybe Jon will be deage and Damian will be Robin again unless it’s just out of continuity. Do you think it’s possible that Tim and Damian are both going to be Robin?

I'm pretty sure Tim is Robin again. Editorial just messed up and didn't keep it consistent. Cause Joker still referred to Tim as "Little Robbie", while in Batman he got the "Duck Boy" joke. So I think they just didn't know.

Cause Tim is still Robin in future slate, was said to go back as Robin in Y.J., was called Little Robbie by Joker, and was referred to as Robin by Babs in Batgirl.

More things point to Robin than Red Robin or Drake. So it's easier to me to just assumed the others are errors. Robin Eternal seems pretty blunt to me and that's still months from now.

And I sure hope Tom Taylor doesn't get another series with Damian, cause even though people like him, I don't like his Damian cause rather than a genuine sense of development (at least for younger Damian. Lots can happen for older Damian) he just panders to people. And I know that's what's in his head because he panders a lot.

He wrote a Joker story were the Joker set up a child's birthday because he felt bad for the kid. The Joker set up a birthday party.

I don't like his uses of false sentimentality to make it seems like his work has more depth, despite it not properly connecting to the characters actual dynamics or personalities, and rather fan service to get himself attention or "make the fans happy" or what ever his goal is. It just feels cheap and ooc to me.

I heard his Spider-Man stuff was good, but that's generally irrelevant given his present stuff.

I figure the hypothetical series would be out of continuity given he already writes those two.

Plus idk if it any longer makes sense for Jon to be aged down, because he's currently getting his own life and finding love. At this stage it would feel kind of uncomfortable because it would be now taking away from Jon rather than giving him something back.

Like I feel like it's gone on for so long now that it wouldn't work anymore storywise, and if it did happen it would be insanely awkward and uncomfortable.

They're in a corner with that.

As for rather for not they could be Robin at the same time they already were last year when Tim was Robin again the first time before they retconned him back into Red Robin before "Drake".

I'd rather Damian not be Robin again even if he becomes good again, cause he didn't really do anything Robin is supposed to after awhile. Like I get he's younger, but Robin doesn't actually have anything to do with age, and regardless Tim is still a kid. It's just how Dick felt, but not how Tim felt or anything. I feel like Damian quickly became his own thing so fast that he doesn't actually need to be Robin, as it doesn't have a purpose for him anymore. Where as Tim is the kid that says Batman needs a Robin.

[krat395]

Bravery, Justice, and Laughter

Happy belated Easter, everyone! :D And as my Easter gift, I proudly present to you a story featuring my depictions of the two humans that represent the BRAVERY and JUSTICE souls! Yes, after all this time, there is finally a story featuring one or more of those six human characters from Undertale whose appearances are left up to interpretation! So; enjoy, everyone! Enjoy a story that for once doesn’t feature Frisk, Chara, Asriel, or MK as the main characters! Or Toriel, Asgore, Sans, Papyrus, Undyne, Alphys, Blooky, Mettaton, Muffet, or Gaster for that matter!

Undertale(c) Toby Fox.

BRAVERY, JUSTICE, AND LAUGHTER

 A month has passed since the magical Barrier was destroyed; the barrier that kept all of the monsters trapped in the Underground for so long without any hope of ever reaching the Surface. And by some miracle, Asriel Dreemurr, the prince of all monsters that died a long time ago and got resurrected as a soulless flower, was given a chance to be himself again; in his original form with all of his emotions and feelings; and is now living happily on the Surface with all of his friends and family. And not only that, several individuals that passed away during their adventures in the Underground were resurrected and given chances to be happy along with Asriel. And two of those individuals consisted of two young boys named Bradley and Justin. Bradley aka Brad is a young African American boy with a soul that represents Bravery and Justin is a young Caucasian boy with a soul that represents Justice and once the two boys themselves were brought back to life, they were both immediately taken in by a woman named Harriet, who cared for Brad for three whole months after he was separated from Justin and Isabella aka Izzy (Justin’s cousin and a young Caucasian girl with a soul that represents Integrity who was resurrected along with Brad and Justin and others). Harriet and her family cared for Brad until they could no longer protect him from a threat that cost him his life and after a tearful reunion with Harriet and her family, Brad has been spending his days living on the Surface with them in their new home; in a similar fashion to how he did so during the good old days before his death. Only this time, his best friend, Justin, is part of his family as one of his adopted brothers; and so is Izzy, who was taken in as a new family member by Harriet’s sister, Heidi, the same day Harriet reunited with Brad and took Justin in as a new family member. Justin and Izzy have been friends of Brad’s before all three of them could even walk and since the three kids were all orphans prior to their adventures in the Underground, it makes sense that those who cared for Brad would want to adopt Justin and Izzy as well. Especially after hearing so many good things about them from Brad during the first three months he lived with them!

 It is a Friday night at Brad and Justin’s house; early November; and soon-to-be 11-year-olds, Brad and Justin, are currently in their rooms relaxing and playing video games together in two bean bag chairs after eating a delicious supper with their adopted mother, Harriet, and siblings, Benny, Robbie, and Heather; and on this particular night, Brad is feeling rather playful, wanting to do something rather amusing with his best friend and new brother, Justin, after the two of them are done gaming… or while they’re gaming; something they haven’t done together in a long time.

 Brad: Hey, Justin, I gotta ask you something; after one month, how do you feel about Harriet, Benny, Robbie, and Heather? Do you still like them? *asked Brad curiously while playing video games with Justin*

 Justin: Oh, Brad; you’re darn tootin’, ah do! Hehe! *replied Brad’s blonde-haired best friend and newest brother in a Southern accent with great enthusiasm* Ah love em’ all so much! Bettermost fuh-amily Izzy and ah have ever had after thuh deaths of our original folks. Speakin’ of Izzy, it was mighty fahn of Aunt Heidi and Uncle Harvey to adopt her. That way, she and ah ahr able t’ be thuh cousins we usta be!

 Justin is HUGE fan of westerns and cowboys and due to his love of westerns and cowboys; the long-haired boy himself has adopted a rather amusing southern accent and often dresses up like he’s a cowboy himself; donning a short-sleeved yellow and gray plaid cowboy shirt, a brown vest, a red bandana around his neck, a brown cowboy hat, blue jeans, a belt with a yellow heart buckle, and brown cowboy boots. But as of right now though, he has tossed his hat, bandana, vest, and boots aside and is only wearing his short-sleeved shirt, belt, and jeans with his feet encased in gray socks. And as for Brad, he is currently wearing his usual attire minus his all-black sneakers; an orange t-shirt with three dark orange horizontal stripes, a brown jacket with a single orange stripe, a pair of black jeans, and black socks.

Brad: Hehe. I’m so glad to hear that, man! Really, I am! And expect many more great months with them too; only this time, without the fear of ever having to leave them or being taken away from them!

 Justin: Oh, ah will! Don’t ya worry bout that, pahrtner!

 Brad: Hehe. Perfect. *said Brad while munching on a carrot stick*

 Justin: Heh; another carrot stick, Brad?! You’re not full after all that chow an cinnamon buns?!

 Brad: Pfft. Oh come on, man! They’re really good! And they’re good for you too! If you’re gonna be a part of this family, you better get used to eating carrots!

 Justin: That may tayk taahm. *stated Justin, reminiscing all of the carrots he’s eaten during his first month with his new family*

 Brad: Hehe. Well, time is certainly the one thing you’ve got these days. Especially after being brought back to life and all!

 Justin: Hahaha! You’re darn tootin! Ah hope thin’s stay jus’ like this for a mighty long taahm!

 Brad: Hehe. Me too, man; me too. *said Brad sincerely with a smile*

 About 30 minutes later, Brad and Justin reached a stopping point in their game; and immediately after saving their progress, Brad abruptly turned off the game, leaving Justin in a state of both confusion and disappointment.

 Justin: Woah there, pahrtner! Why’d ya shut off that there game?! *asked Justin disappointedly, who wanted to play a little while longer* Ahr ya upset that I was whoopin’ ya fuhr once? *he then asked curious, under that impression that Brad is being a sore loser*

 Brad: Pfft. Me?! Upset about losing a game to you?! Hahaha! No; of course not!

 Justin: Then why’d ya shut off that there game then?

 Brad: Hehehehehe. Because, dude, I know something we can do that might be even more fun. *replied Brad cheekily, moments before crawling slowly and creepily towards Justin*

 Justin: Oh yeah? And jus’ what would that be, you buzz-killin’ whippersnapper?

 Brad: Oh, nothing special, dude. Just nothing other than a little… TICKLE FIGHT! *exclaimed Brad as he latched on to Justin’s sides and wiggled his fingers up and down every single inch of them, eliciting numerous squeaks and frantic laughter from the young boy in response as well as making the young boy’s amusing Southern accent temporarily vanish* Hahahahaha! Coochie coochie coo, dude! Hahahahaha!

 Justin: PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF… HAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!! BRAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAD, *SQUEAK* *SQUEAK* HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *SQUEAK* BRAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAD, WHAHAHAHAHAT IN TARNAHAHAHAHAHAHAHATION?!!!! *asked Justin through his laughter in a non-Southern accent, squirming and thrashing in his bean bag chair with every passing second* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *SQUEAK* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAAHA!!!! OHOHOHOHOHOHOH MY GOD, STOHOHOHOHOHOOHOP!!!! *SQUEAK* *SQUEAK* HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

 Ever since their resurrections, Brad, who had countless tickle fights with Justin in the past, has been dying to tickle Justin again. But he didn’t do it until now because he wanted to allow Justin enough to adjust to his new family and home first; and now that Justin appears to have done so, Brad felt that it was the perfect time to tickle his best friend and new brother and let him know that he wants to have tickle fights just like they used to when they were younger. Brad absolutely loves tickling and by extension, play fighting. And more often than not, he would be the one to start such fights with his friends as well as his siblings.

 Brad: Hahahaha! No, I will not stop, dude! Not unless you make me stop!

 Justin: HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! MAHAHAHAHAHAAYBE I CAN, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHA, IF YOU TAKE OFF YOHOHOHOHOHOHOUR JAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAACKET!!!! *SQUEAK* HOHOHOHOHOHOHHOHOHOHOHOHOAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!! WHY ARE YOU WEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEARING IT ANYWAY?!!!! *SQUEAK* *SQUEAK* HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE HIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE~!!!!

 Brad: I think it looks cool! *Brad casually answered, moments before he began unbuttoning Justin’s shirt and tickling his ribs at the same time* Plus, it’ll help protect my torso from your fingers and long hair, I think!

 Oh my god, what a cheater! Brad purposely left his jacket on to give himself a huge advantage in this tickle fight; if you can even call it that; because if Justin doesn’t retaliate anytime soon, then what’s the point?  

 Justin: *SQUEAK* BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *Justin laughed even harder as Brad poked and prodded his ribs as well as the spaces in between his ribs* OHOHOHOHOHOH GOOD LOHOHOHOHHOHORD, NOT THERHEHEHEHHEERE!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA!!!! *SQUEAK* NOHOHOHOHOT THEHEHEHEHEHEHEHERE, PAHAHAHAHAHARTNER!!!! *SQUEAK* FWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE~!!!!

 Brad: Hehehehehehehe! *Brad just chuckled in response, relishing in the sweet sound of his blonde-haired brother’s adorable laughter as he continued tickling each one of his ribs*

 After about 90 seconds of rib tickling, Brad began wiggling his fingers all over Justin’s now exposed bare stomach, causing even more laughter to spill from the young boy’s mouth in response. Justin is pretty ticklish on his torso and while his stomach may not be ticklish as his ribs and sides are, it’s still ticklish enough to get him laughing hard. Hard enough to elicit several squeaks, at least!

 Justin: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! BRAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAD, COME ON!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!! COME ON, YOU VAHAHAHAHAAHAHARMINT, HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, ENOUGH OF THIS TOMFOOHOOHOOHOOHOOLERY ALREHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEADY!!!! *SQUEAK* *SQUEAK* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!!!!

 Brad: Heh. Who are you and what have you done with Justin?! The Justin I know would’ve tried to tickle me back by now! What’s your deal, man? *asked Brad in disbelief, right as he began blowing numerous raspberries on Justin’s belly and over his naval*

 Justin: PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF… HAHAHHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! NOTHING, PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHARTNER!!!! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! JUST, AHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA, JUST, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, JUST WAITING, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAA, JUST WAITING FOHOHOHOR THE RIGHT MOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOMENT TO STRIHIHIHIKE!!!! *answered Justin through his laughter, mere seconds before scribbling all 10 of his fingers all over Brad’s neck to get him to stop tickling him for the time being* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahahahahahhaha~!!!! *he laughed some more until stopping entirely*

 Brad: PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF… HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA, OH CRAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAP!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHA!!! OH CRAP, OH CRAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAP, NOT MY NEHEHEHEHEHEHECK!!! *SNORT* HOHOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHHA~!!!

 As Brad continued laughing due to neck tickles, Justin was provided an opportunity to swiftly push him back into the bean bag chair to the right of him to tickle him some more. Then, while continuing to tickle Brad’s neck with his left hand, Justin swiftly used his right hand to unzip Brad’s jacket to dish out some serious tickling to the front side of his torso in about a minute or so; right after tickling Brad’s neck some more with both of his hands.

 Brad: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!! JUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUUSTIN!!! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! JUSTIN, LEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEAVE MY NEHEHEHEHECK ALONE!!! *pleaded Brad through his laughter, not appearing enjoy the current tickle torture to his neck* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! COME ON, I’M BEHEHEHEHEEHEGGING YOU, MAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAN!!! *SNORT* HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!!!

 One minute later, Justin did as Brad asked and stopped tickling his neck, much to Brad’s relief. But shortly afterwards however, he lifted up Brad’s t-shirt and began tickling his belly hard with all 10 of his fingers, sending the young African American boy into pure hysterics in response.

 Brad: HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! DUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUDE, STOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOP!!! *pleaded Brad through his laughter once more, this time not appearing not to enjoy the tickle torture to his stomach* HAHAHAHAAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, NOT SO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHARD, DUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUDE; THAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAT TICKLES!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!!!

 Justin: Really? *asked Justin sarcastically with a giant grin on his face* Well, shucks, ah hadn’t noticed! *he then said sarcastically, before twirling a strand of his long blonde hair inside Brad’s bellybutton to REALLY get Brad laughing hard*

 The moment Justin twirled some of his hair inside Brad’s bellybutton, Brad’s eyes shot open as wide as they possibly could; and then not too long afterwards, some of the most maniacal laughter just poured from his mouth. Why, the poor boy laughed so much that tears began forming in his eyes!

 Brad: PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!! OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH MY GOHOHOHOHOHOOHOD, NOHOHOHOHOT… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA~!!!!

 Justin: Hahahahahaha! Man, oh man, ah love havin; long hair! Hahahahahahaha!

 Brad: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHHAAHAHA!!!! GET IT OUT, DUHUHUHUHUHUHUDE!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! GET IT OUT BEFORE I… EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!!!! …SQEEEEEEEEEEEHEEHEEHEEAL!!!! HAAHHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHEEEHEEHEEHEEHEE HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE~!!!!

 Justin: Hahahahahahahaahaha! *Justin just laughed in response, relishing in the sweet sounds of Brad’s laughter and squealing with every passing second*

 After about 2 minutes or so, Justin stopped tickling Brad with his hair and then went back to tickling him with his fingers; this time, on his armpits on the outside of his shirt; to give him somewhat of a breather.

 Brad: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Oh, thank god!!!!! *stated Brad through laughter and some occasional giggles, relieved that Justin was no longer tickling him with his hair* Heeheeheeheeheeheeeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeeheeheeheehee~!!!!!

 Justin: Hahahaha! Ya beder hold on ta that there thought, partner; cuz in about a minute or so, imma reckon you’re gonna go jus as wild and loco as before!

 After one whole minute of armpit tickling, Justin then moved his fingers down to Brad’s sides and began scribbling his 10 fingers up and down every inch of them. And just as predicted, Brad began laughing frantically once again; though not as frantically as he did when Justin tickled him with his hair not too long ago.

 Brad: PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF… HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!! OH CRAHAHAHHAHHAAP, NOT MY SIDES!!!! *pleaded Brad through his laughter, squirming frantically in his bean bag chair once again with every passing second* HAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! THEY’RE EVEN MOHOHOOHOHOHORE TICKLISH THAN MY BEHEHEHEHEHEHEHELLY!!!! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!!!!

 Justin: Hahaha! Of course, they ahr! Hahahahaha! And do ya know what’s even more ticklish than your sides? *asked Justin rhetorically* …YOUR RIBS! *he then exclaimed as he began poking and prodding Brad’s ribs as well as the spaces in between his ribs; in a similar fashion to how Brad tickled his own ribs earlier*

 Brad: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! CRAHAHAHAHAHAHAP!!!! HAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHHA!!!! CRAP, CRAP, CRAHAHAHAHHAHAAP, CRAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAP, CRAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAP!!!! *SNORT* *SNORT* *SNORT* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHA!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA~!!!!

 Justin: Hahahahahahaha! And do ya know what’s more ticklish than your ribs? *asked Justin rhetorically once again* …YOUR BACK!! *he then exclaimed, swiftly removing Brad’s jacket and tossing it aside a few seconds later.

 But then, just before Justin could once again tickle Brad, Brad swiftly pinned Justin onto his stomach and tickled his back instead, eliciting frantic squeaks and adorable laughter from the young blonde-haired boy once again in the process.

 Justin: PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF… YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *Justin laughed hard as Brad ticked every inch of his back with his ten fingers, primarily focusing on the spinal region* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!!! *SQUEAK* *SQUEAK* NO, HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE, NOT THE TICKLE SPOT!!! *he pleaded through his laughter, kicking both of his legs frantically upon feeling brad glide his right index finger slowly and steadily down his spinal region* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! NOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOT THE TICKLE SPOT!!! *SQUEAK* *SQUEAK* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEHEEHEE~!!! *he laughed more as tears began forming in his eyes*

 Brad: Hehehehe. I got you now, cowboy! Hehehehehe~

 Justin: HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!! *SQUEAK* HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEHEEHEHEEHEEHEHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHI HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!!!

 3 minutes later…

 Justin: HAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!! BRAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAADLEY, HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, YOU BETTER STOP THAT, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, OR ELSE, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA OR ELSE, I’M GONNA… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA~!!!

 Brad: What? Or else you’re gonna what, Justin? *asked Brad with a mischievous smile while inadvertently moving his right hand into grabbing range of Justin’s own right hand as he continued ticking him*

 Justin: HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! OHOHOHOHOHOR ELSE, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I’M GONNA… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, TICKLE YOUR, HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA, PALM!!! *exclaimed Justin ferociously through his laughter, hurriedly grabbing his friend and brother’s right hand by his fingers with his own right hand and then tickling his palm with his left hand fingers shortly afterwards* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAhahahahahahahaahahahaha~ *he laughed some more until stopping entirely while tickling Brad’s right palm*

 Brad: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHHHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!!!!!! *Brad laughed ferociously as Justin wiggled his left hand fingers ever so slightly all over his extremely sensitive right palm* OH CRAHAHAHAHAHAHAP, I KNEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEW I SHOHOHOHOHOULD’VE WOHOHOHOHOHOHORN MY TOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOUGH GLOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOVES!!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHA~!!!!!!!!

 Brad’s most ticklish spots are his palms and as Justin tickled one of them; he managed to give himself an opportunity to push Brad off of him and then swiftly pin him on his stomach against the floor, gaining the upper hand once again in the process. Then, as Justin positioned himself directly on top of Brad, he then had a decision to make; 1. He could continue torturing one of Brad’s palms or 2. He could tickle Brad’s second and third most ticklish spots. Decisions, decisions; but seeing as how he’s pinned Brad on his stomach, he may as well choose the latter. And after five seconds of thinking, that’s exactly what he did too. Very swiftly, he scooted on down towards Brad’s legs, pulled off both of his black socks, and then proceeded to tickle the soles of his feet; skittering his fingers all of every ticklish inch of them.

 Justin: Hahahahaha! Kitchie kitchie kitchie kitchie koo, pahrtner! Yippee, yippee, yeeeeeeee- haw! Hahahahahaha!

 Brad: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! *Brad screamed and laughed frantically as Justin scribbled his fingers HARD all over every inch of his bare soles, trying hard to kick his legs but to no avail; especially during moments when Justin scratched his heels, the most sensitive areas of his feet* JUSTIN, NOT MY FEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEET!!!!!! *he pleaded through his laughter, wiggling his ten toes like crazy with every passing second* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! NOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOT MY FEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEET!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOHOHOHOHOHOHO HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!! *SNORT* *SNORT* *SNORT* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHA AHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA~!!!!!!

 Justin: Yippee, yippee, yee-haw! *shouted Justin once again as he proceeded to tickle Brad’s toes in addition to his soles*

 Brad: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! *SNORT* OHOHOHOHOHOH CRAP, NOHOHOHOHOHOT MY TOHOHOHHOOES TOO!!!!!!! *SNORT* *SNORT* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEHEE HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEEHEEHEEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!!!!!!!

 After two minutes of feet tickling, Justin took the tickle torture a step further; by turning around and tickling Brad’s back, his second-most ticklish spot! Every inch of Brad’s back is considered very ticklish but there are two spots on his back that are slightly more sensitive than others; and those two areas happen to be his shoulder blades. So, for the next while, Justin focused on those two particular spots with every single one of his fingers.

 Justin: Hahaha! Nothin’ like a good ol’ back tickle to really get you buckin’! Hahahaha! Giddy up, horsey! Giddy on up now! Giddy up, giddy up! *teased Justin as he dug all 10 of his fingers into both of Brad’s shoulder blades* Hahahahaha!

 Brad: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! *Brad screamed with hysterical laughter, writhing and thrashing in Justin’s clutches with every passing second as Justin tickled his sensitive shoulder blades* NOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! JUHUHUHUHUHUHUUHUHUHUHUHUSTIN, DOHOHOHOHOHOHON’T TICKLE ME THEHEHEHHEHEHERE!!!!!!!! *pleaded Brad through his laughter, failing to maintain his composure as his tickle torture continued* HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! *SNORT* *SNORT* *SNORT* DOHOHOHOHHHHOHON’T TICKLE ME THEHEHEHEHHERE, JUHUHUHUHUHUHUSTIN!!!!!!! *SNORT* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE HAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA!!!!!!! OHOHHOHOHOH CRAP!!!!!!! *SNORT* *SNORT* *SNORT* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!!!!!!!

 Justin: Woah there, horsey! Easy there, horsey! *teased Justin* Hehehehehehe.

 Brad: HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! DUHUHUHUHUHUDE, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I’M NOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOT A HOHOHOHOHOHOHORSE!!!!!!! *SNORT* *SNORT* WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!!!!!!!

 Justin: No? Then why do ya sound like one then? *asked Justin, stopping briefly to pull off both of his gray socks* Hehehehehehe. *he chuckled while wiggling his toes* Now; dun, duh duh dun, duh duh dun, duh duh dun! *he sang as he began tickling Brad’s lower back with his fingers with his fingers and his neck with his toes* Hahahahahaha! Neigh for me, horsey! Dun, duh duh dun, duh duh dun, duh duh dun! Hahahahahaha!

 Brad: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESNAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAW!!!!!!! BWAHAAHHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! *Brad laughed so hard he started crying, Justin’s fingers and toes wiggling against his lower back and neck respectively with every passing second* HOHOHOHOHOOHOHOHOHOHOHOLY CRAP, NOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOHOHOHO!!!!!!! *SNORT* *SNORT* HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHI HAHAHHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! I CAN’T TAKE IT!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! I CAHAHAHAHAHAHAN’T… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!!!!!!!

 For three whole minutes, Brad was at Justin’s mercy. His back and neck are very ticklish and as Justin’s wiggled his fingers and toes all over them, Brad just couldn’t help but laugh… and squirm… and thrash… and squeal in Justin’s clutches. It all appeared to be too much for the young African American boy to handle. But after the three minutes were up however, Brad worked up enough energy to put an end to Justin’s ticklish assault. After three minutes, Brad, while still lying face down on the floor, grabbed both of Justin’s ankles with his hands, startling Justin in the process as he tickled Brads neck with his toes. Then shortly afterwards, he began tickling the tops of Justin’s bare feet, which are surprising more ticklish than his soles! Albeit only slightly more ticklish, but still!

 Justin: PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF… EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEHEHEE!!!!! *SQUEAK* HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!!! *Justin laughed and squealed hilariously, rolling off of Brad’s body as much as he could as Brad continued tickling the tops of his feet* HEY, WOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOAH, HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHA, WHAT ARE YOU DOOHOOHOOHOOHOOING?!!!!! *he asked in disbelief through his laughter and squealing*, trying to resume his ticklish assault on Brad, but to no avail* WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEHEEHEEHEE!!!!! DOHOHOHOHOHOHHOHON’T TOUCH MY FEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEET!!!!! *SQUEAK* HAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! DON’T TOUCH MY FEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEET, YOU PIG!!!!! *SQUEAK* *SQUEAK* YOOHOOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOHOHOHOOHHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOO HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA~!!!!!

 Brad: Ha! Pig?! No, no, no! I’m not a pig! *said Brad confidently as he hurriedly pinned Justin against the floor on his stomach* You’re a pig! *he shouted as he positioned himself directly on top of Justin’s legs* And I’m about to make you squeal like one! In… 10… 9! *he shouted once more, beginning a ticklish assault on Justin’s bare soles without even finishing his countdown* Hahahahahahaha! Coochie coochie coo, widdwe piggy* Hahahahahahaha!

 Justin: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! *Justin squealed the moment the felt Brad’s 10 fingers scribble all over his soles, which are only slightly less sensitive than the tops of his feet* GWAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!!! *he laughed hysterically, writhing and thrashing in Brad’s clutches with every passing second of continuous tickle torture to his bare feet* BRAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAAD, *SQUEAK* HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA, PARTNER, NOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOT THE FEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHET!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHHAHA!!!!! OHOHOHOHOOHOH TUHUHUHUHUHURKEY BUZZARD, NOHOHOHOHOHOHOOT THE FEEHEEHEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEET!!!!! *SQUEAK* THAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAT REALLY TIHIHHIHIHIHIHICKLES!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!! IT TIHIHIHIHIHIHICKLES LIKE HEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHELL!!!!! *SQUEAK* *SQUEAK* WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIH HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA~!!!!! *he laughed even more, wiggling his toes like crazy in addition to his constant writhing and thrashing*

 Brad: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Good! Hahahahahaha! Now keep squealing for me, widdwe piggy! *exclaimed Brad as he began ticking Justin’s toes in addition to his soles* Hahahahahahahahaha!

 Justin: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!!!!! *Justin laughed and squealed some more, trying to kick his legs but to no avail as Brad mercilessly tickle tortures his vulnerable soles and toes* HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE HIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOHO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA~!!!!!

 After two minutes of feet tickling, Brad spun around and scooted up towards Justin’s torso, giving Justin a small breather in the process. But then, just mere seconds before Justin could even begin to retaliate, Brad began scribbling his fingers all over the young long-haired boy’s neck, his second-most ticklish spot!

 Justin: PFFFFFFF… HAAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHHAHHAA!!!!!! *Justin laughed so hard he cried the moment he felt Brad’s fingers touch his neck* HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOLY BUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUCK!!!!!! *SQUEAK* *SQUEAK* GEEEEEYAAAAAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!!!! BRAHAHAHAHAHAAHAD, GET YOUR BUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUCKING FINGERS AWAY FROHOHOHOHOHOOHOM MY NECK!!!!!! *he pleaded through his laughter, shaking his head as much as he could with every passing second* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHA~!!!!!!

 But he didn’t though! For two whole minutes, Brad tickled the bejesus out of Justin’s neck, going so far as to use the young blond-haired boy’s own long hair against him in addition to his 10 fingers!

 Justin: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! NO, NOOHHOHOHOHO, NOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!!! *SQUEAK* HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEHEEHEE!!!!!!! DON’T TICKLE ME WITH MY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAIR, PARTNER!!!!!! *pleaded Justin through his laughter as Brad used his own hair against him* WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!!!!!!! IT TIHIHIHIHIIHIICKLES MORE THAN YOHOHOHOHHOHOHOHOHOUR FINGERS!!!!!!! *SQUEAK* *SQUEAK* HIHIHIHIHIHIHIHHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA~!!!!!!!

 Brad: Hahahahahaha! I know! *said Brad with a sinister smile, super proud of himself for gaining the upper hand against his best friend big time* Hahahahahahaha~

 Justin: HIHIHIHIHIHIHIHHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA~!!!!!!!

 After the two minutes were up, Justin made an attempt to grab Brad’s wrists; to try and tickle one of Brad’s palms once again. But once Justin did that though, Brad immediately began tickling Justin’s armpits, HIS MOST TICKLISH SPOTS!!! And once Brad starting tickling Justin in those 2 places, it was all over for Justin!

 Justin: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AHAHHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHHAHAAHAHAHA AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! *laughed Justin ferociously as Brad tickled both of his armpits, tears streaming down out of his eyes and onto the floor with every passing second of his relentless tickle torture* BRAAAAAAAAA…HASUFHIRUEUSEHRUGEGIUSHGUIHFIUGRHIUEHRGUIHEABIGUAHE!!!!!!!!!! HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHIHIHHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHI HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAA~!!!!!!!!!!

 Brad: Hahahahahahahaha! Oh yeah! Now I’ve got you! I’ve got you good now, man! And I’m not gonna stop either! Not until you admit that I beat you! Come on, tap out! You know you want to!

 Justin: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! NOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO, HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHA, NOT A CHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHANCE!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, NEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEVER!!!!!!!!!! *Justin somehow managed to say through his laughter, in addition to shaking his head no while squirming and thrashing in ticklish agony* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHHA!!!!!!!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEHEEHEEEHEEHEEHEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE HIHIHHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA~!!!!!!!!!!

 Brad: Heh. Never, you say? Well we’ll just see about that! *stated Brad with an evil smile, digging his fingers into the hollows of Justin’s armpits a bit harder in an attempt to break the young blond-haired boy even faster*

 Justin: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! *SQUEAK* *SQUEAK* *SQUEAK* *SQUEAK* HJIESBRLIESIEIUGAEUIRHVIGBSREGURSUIBSLGJSBVJLRBJSBNJVRBSJKGBVLSBGKJR!!!!!!!!!! *SQUEAK* *SQUEAK* *SQUEAK* HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE HIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHHIHIHI HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA~!!!!!!!!!!

 It truly is all over for Justin at this point! His armpits are most certainly his “death spots” and as Brad tickles them, all Justin can do is laugh… and laugh… and laugh… and laugh… and laugh… to the point that he will laugh in his dreams during the next couple of nights! But he doesn’t want to give up though. Though very unlikely, Justin feels that there’s a chance that he can gain the upper hand against Brad once again. But HARRIET, who had been watching the boys tickle each other for a while now outside of their bedroom in the upstairs hallway without them knowing, doesn’t think so though. And because of that, she decided to step in and take matters into her own hands! But in reality though, she just wants to playfully tickle both of her adopted sons. X3

 Harriet: (Heeheeheehee! Hope you boys won’t mind if I “hop” in! Heeheeheeheehee!)

 Justin: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!!!!!!!!!! *Justin laughed once again as Brad continued tickling his extremely ticklish armpits*

 Brad: Hahahahahaha! Just remember, man! If you want this to stop, all you have to do is admit that I won… and that you lost! *stated Brad confidently* Hahahahahahaha… AAAAAAAAAAH! *he shouted nervously a few seconds later when he felt someone’s left arm wrapping around both of his ankles, forcing him to stop tickling Justin entirely* HEY! WOOOOOOAAAAAAAH! *he shouted once more upon feeling his legs being pulled towards Justin’s and then falling flat onto his stomach next to Justin*

 Justin: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Oh, thahahahank god!!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! It finally stohohohohohopped!!!! *stated Justin while giggling due to phantom tickles, relieved that Brad was no longer tickling his armpits* Hahahahahahahaahahahaha… WAIT! WUT IN TARNATION! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~!!! *shouted Justin nervously upon feeling the same individual’s left arm wrap around his ankles in addition to Brad’s*

 After shouting nervously for a few seconds, Brad and Justin then turned their heads to see the individual who was responsible for startling them so much. When they turned their heads, they saw a 42-year-old female rabbit monster with PURPLE FUR and big, always bare 3-toed feet that’s currently wearing a PURPLE SUMMER HAT, a black necklace/choker, a lavender tank top with a black corset(?) underneath of it, and black mom jeans. THEIR ADOPTED MOTHER, HARRIET!!!

 Brad and Justin: Mom?!?!

 Harriet: Heeheeheeheehee! Hello, boys! Having a tickle fight, I see. Heeheeheehee! Got room for one more?

 Brad: Hehe. You know it! Help me tickle Justin, will you? He’s gotta pay for tickling my back AND one of my palms!

 Justin: What?! No! Mom, help me tickle Brad! He’s gotta pay for ticklin’ mah armpits and neck so mercilessly!

 Harriet: Heeheeheeheehee; no, my sweet cinnamon buns. *said Harriet cheekily, declining both of her adopted sons’ requests* I’ve got a better idea! A much better idea! *she then said with an “evil” smile, moving her right hand right next to Brad and Justin’s trapped bare feet* Heeheeheehee! And all I need is my fingers and your bare feet! Heeheeheeheehee~

 “And all I need is my fingers and your bare feet.” Once Brad and Justin heard Harriet say that, their eyes widened and their happy smiles turned into nervous smiles.

 Brad and Justin: *nervous gasps* O-oh n-no!! *Brad and Justin shuddered*

 Harriet: Heeheeheeheehee! Nothing to be afraid of, boys! I’m the friendly SNOWDIN SHOPKEEPER, remember? And quite the professional at tickling little boys! Like you! So, tickle, tickle, tickle! Tickle, tickle, tickle, my sweet cinnamon buns! *teased Harriet as she began scribbling her right hand fingers all over Brad and Justin’s bare feet one by one; starting with Brad’s left foot and ending with Justin’s right foot as the two boys lied face down on the floor* Heeheeheeheeheehee!!

 OMG, THE SNOWIN SHOPKEEPER!!! HARRIET IS THE SNOWDIN SHOPKEEPER!!! :O But not just that though; she also happens to be same woman that cared for Brad for 3 whole months after he was separated from Justin and Izzy during their adventures in the Underground. Sure, Toriel may have cared for Brad during his adventures in the Underground but Harriet cared for him longer, until she could no longer protect him. After Brad died, Harriet kept his memory alive by making several Tough Gloves and Manly Bandanas by hand to sell to customers (primarily kids) in her shop. And that happens to be something that she continues to do to this very day. Regardless of the fact that that once dead boy is now back in her life!

 Brad: PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!!!!! *Brad laughed hysterically upon feeling Harriet’s furry fingers touch the sole of his left foot* OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHHOHOH MY GOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOD!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, *SNORT* MOHOHOHOHOHOHOM, YOUR FUR!!!!!!! *SNORT* HAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, YOUR FUHUHUHUHUHUHUR, IT TIHIHIHIHIHICKLES!!!!!!! HAHAHAHHAHAAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!! IT TIHIHIHIHIHIHICKLES!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!!!!!!! *he laughed some more, hugging Justin tightly as a means of dealing with his current tickle torture*

 Harriet: Heeheeheehee! *sniffles* Oh, how I’ve missed tickling your cute little feet, Brad! *said Harriet with a huge smile, crying tears of joy due to being given a chance to tickle a boy she never thought she would be able to tickle again* Heeheeheeheehee! Kitchie kitchie koo, my sweet cinnamon bun! *sniffles* Kitchie kitchie koo! *she teased as she began tickling Brad’s right foot*

 Brad: BWAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! OHOHOOHOHHOHOHOH CRAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAAP!!!!!!! *SNORT* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAAHHAAHHAHA!!!!!!! *SNORT* *SNORT* MOHOHOHOHOHOHOOHOM, HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA, TIKCLE JUSTIN’S FEET INSTEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHAD!!!!!!! *stated Brad through his laughter, moments before catching a glimpse of his mother crying tears of joy* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! WAHAHAHAHAHAIT!!!!!!! HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, ACTUALLY, HAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! KEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEP TICKLING ME!!!!!!! *SNORT* HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! KEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEP TIHIHIHIHIHIHIHICKLING ME,PLEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEASE!!!!!!! *SNORT* HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! I LOHOHOHOHOHOOVE IT!!!!!!! *SNORT* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA~!!!!!!!

 And he does too! Despite all of his pleads, Brad is enjoying himself immensely! And Justin has been too for that matter; even during that moment when Brad tickled his hyper-sensitive armpits. And Harriet knows it too! She’s tickled Brad before; on multiple occasions; and right now, she is tickling both him and Justin in a similar fashion to how she used to tickle her two biological sons, Benny and Robbie, years before they became a ROYAL GUARDSMAN and the NICE CREAM SALESMAN respectively. ;)

 Harriet: Heeheeheeheehee! Ooh, yeah, I can tell! Heeheeheeheehee! I can definitely tell! *said Harriet as she began scratching Brad’s right heel* Heeheeheeheeheeheeheehee~

 Brad: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAAHHAHHAHAHAHAAHHAHHAHAHAHAHA~!!!!!!! *Brad laughed so hard that he didn’t bother trying to speak for the next while*

 After ticking Brad’s feet for about three minutes; alternating between tickling his left foot and right foot with every passing second; Harriet then switched over to Justin’s feet; starting with his left foot as he continued lying face down on the floor next to Brad.

 Justin: PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF… WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!!!!!!! *Justin squealed and laughed hysterically upon feeling Harriet’s furry fingers touch the sole of his left foot* OH MY GAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAWSH!!!!!!! *SQUEAK* HAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHA!!!!!!! *he laughed some more, hugging Brad tightly as a means of dealing with his current tickle torture* OHOHOHOHHOHOHOH MY GAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAWSH, THOHOHOHHOHOSE FUHUHUHUHUHUHURRY FINGERS TICKLE!!!!!!! *SQUEAK* *SQUEAK* HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!!! WAHAHAHAHAHY MORE THAHAHAHAAHAN I THOHOHOHHOHOUGHT THEY WOHOHOHOHOULD!!!!!!! *SQUEAK* HEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHIHIHIHIHHIHIHIHIHIIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHI HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA~!!!!!!!

 This is the first time that Harriet has ever tickled Justin; and so far, he is not disappointing her. His laughter is just so pure and adorable and as she tickles him, she finds it rather amusing how his Southern accent just plain disappears. It’s so weird! One moment, he’s talking like a natural-born cowboy and then the next moment, he’s talking like someone that appears to show no interest in Westerns whatsoever while laughing his head off.

 Harriet: Heeheeheeheeheehee! Gitchie gitchie goo, my other sweet cinnamon bun! *teased Harriet as she continued tickling Justin’s left foot* Heeheeheeheehee! Sweet carrot cakes with cream cheese frosting, your laugh is so cute! Heeeheeheeheehee! Oh, I could just tickle your feet all night, Justin! And throughout all of the following morning! *she said with a heartwarming smile as she switched over to Justin’s right foot* Heeheeheeheeheehee! Gitchie gitchie goo goo goo goo!

 Justin: HAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHHAHAHAAHAHA!!!!!!! NO, DOHOHOHHOHOHOHOHOHON’T DO THAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAT!!!!!!! *pleaded Justin through his laughter while wiggling all of his toes like crazy and continuing to hug Brad tightly, not entirely sure if he could handle being tickled for hours on end* I DOHOHOHOHHON’T KNOW IF I COHOHOHOOHOULD HAHAHAHAHHANDLE THAHAHAHAT MUCH TIHIHIHIHICKLING!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHA!!!!!!!

 Harriet: Heeheeheeheehee! Well, we can always find out. *said Harriet cheekily, giving Justin the impression that she might tickle his feet during the last few hours of the day* Heeheeheeheeheeheehee! Gitchie gitchie goo! Gitchie gitchie goo goo goo goo! *she teased, tickling both of Justin’s feet in a crazy fast manner; left sole, right sole, left sole, right sole, and so on* Heeheeheeheeheeheehee~

 Justin: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!!!!!!! *Justin laughed even harder, wiggling and splaying all 10 of his toes in his blue jeans with every passing second as he cried consistent streams of tears from both of his eyes* GAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHA!!!!!!! *SQUEAK* *SQUEAK* HIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HIHIHIHHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA~!!!!!!!

 After tickling Justin’s feet for 3 whole minutes, Harriet stopped to give him a much needed breather.

 Harriet: Heeheeheeheehee; having fun, boys?

 Justin: Hehehehe. You’re darn tootin’, Mama Bunny!

 Brad: Hehe. Oh, yeah, fo’ sho’!

 Harriet: Heeheeheeheehee! Terrific! So that means we can do this again tomorrow, right? When the three of us have the house to ourselves?

 Brad and Justin: *excited gasps*

 Brad: HOLY CRAP, YES!!

 Justin: OH MAH GAWSH, ABSOLUTELY!!

 Harriet: Heeheeheeheehee! FANTABULOUS! We’ll start sometime after breakfast tomorrow morning! After Benny, Robbie, and Heather leave to do their things!

 While a family tickle war with all 6 members of the family does sound tempting, Harriet would first like some more tickle time with her two adopted sons; and luckily for her, tomorrow will give her a perfect opportunity to do such a thing since her three biological children will only be home long enough to eat breakfast the following morning.

 Harriet: Speaking of Benny, Robbie, and Heather; you should know they’ve been watching you boys tickle each other too. Not the whole time; but for a while, anyway. Heeheehee.

 Just as Harriet was talking, a tall soon-to-be 19-year-old rabbit monster with blue fur and big, always bare 3-toed feet wearing a yellow shirt and red pants entered the room briefly. IT WAS ROBBIE aka THE NICE CREAM GUY!! :D

 Robbie: Hahaha! It’s true, we have! Hahaha! And when you crazy kids get done in here, feel free to help yourselves to some free Nice Cream! It’s the frozen treat that warms you heart! *said Robbie out of habit with a BIG SMILE on his face* Or share a bisicle, whatever you cute kids prefer.

 Brad: Haha! Will do, Robbie! You’re a real COOL brother, you know that?

 Robbie: Oh, Brad, you! *said Robbie all flattered as he exited the room* Hahahahahaha! You flatter me, young man! Hahahahahaha~

 Harriet: Heeheeheeheehee! Good idea, Robbie! *said Harriet despite the fact that Robbie was no longer in the room* But before you boys do that though, heeheeheehee, there’s just one teensy tiny little thing I’d like to do first. *she then said cheekily with a giggle, wiggling her 6 furry toes against the bedroom floor during the next few seconds* Heeheeheeheehee~

 Brad and Justin: Oh yeah? What’s that? *asked Brad and Justin curiously at the same time*

 Harriet: Heeheeheeheehee! *giggled Harriet as she proceeded to sit on Brad’s bed* Lie down on the floor with your legs under this bed and I’ll show you. Heeheeheeheehee! *she giggled once more, wiggling her 6 toes against the floor a second time*

 Brad: (*excited gasp* Yes! Yes, I used to love this so much!) *said Brad excitedly to himself, knowing very well what Harriet wants to do*

 With that said; Brad and Justin then proceeded to position themselves on the floor; Brad mere inches to the left Harriet and Justin mere inches to the right of Harriet. Then, once they were officially lying on the floor, they slid their legs underneath Brad’s bed, just as Harriet asked them to do.

 Brad: Hehehehehe. All right, I’m ready, Mom. *said Brad with a smile after pulling up his orange t-shirt* Justin, open your shirt. *he then said to Justin*

 Justin: Huh? What’d you jus’ say, pahrtner? *asked Justin confusedly*’

 Brad: You heard me. Open… your shirt.

 Justin: Oh, well alrighty then. *said Justin, nervously opening his shirt to expose his bare torso* Ok, ah done opened mah shirt, pahrtner. Happy?

 Brad: Hehehehehe. Heck yes! Because that means that Mom is now able to…

 Harriet: TICKLE YOU WITH MY TOES! *interrupted Harriet in a singsongy voice, mere seconds before she began tickling Brad and Justin’s stomachs with her 6 furry toes; Brad’s stomach with her 3 left foot toes and Justin’s stomach with her 3 right foot toes* Heeheeheeheeheehee! Gitchie, gitchie, goo, you absolutely precious little boys! Heeheeheeheeheehee!

 Brad and Justin: HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHHAHAHA~!!!!!!! *the two boys laughed both hysterically and preciously the moment they felt Harriet’s furry toes glide against their stomachs, quivering and quivering with every passing ticklish sensation they felt in their upper bodies*

 Justin: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! OHOHHOHOHOHOH MY GAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHWSH, HAHAHAAHAHHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, MOM!!!!!!! HIHIHIHHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIIHIHIHEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE, YOHOHOHOOHOHOUR TOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOES TICKLE EVEN MOHOHOHOHOHOORE THAN YOHOHOHOHOHOHOUR FINGERS!!!!!!! *SQUEAK* *SQUEAK* WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHI HOHOHOHOHHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA~!!!!!!!

 Harriet: Heeheeheeheehee! I know. *said Harriet with a sly smile, knowing exactly what she’s doing* Isn’t it just fantabulous, boys? *she asked cheekily, before proceeding to drum her toes against Brad and Justin’s stomachs* Heeheeheheeheeheehee!

 Brad: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! *Brad laughed even harder, Harriet’s left foot toes tickling him in all the right places on his stomach to get the best laughs possible out of him* YEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHES!!!!!!! *SNORT* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! VERY, *SNORT* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, FAHAHAHAHAANTABULOHOHOUS!!!!!!! *SNORT* BWAHAHAAHAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHA!!!!!!! OHOHHOHOHOHOH GOHOHOHOHHOHOSH!!!!!!! *SNORT* HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA~!!!!!!!

 Justin: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHHAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! *Justin laughed harder as well, ticklish sensations overflowing his stomach enough to make him kick his legs and wiggle and splay his toes underneath Brad’s bed* OHOOHOHOHOHOHOH GOHOHOHOHOHOOSH INDEED, PAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHARTNER!!!!!!! *SQUEAK* *SQUEAK* HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!! HOHHOHOHOHOHOHOLY COW, THIS TICKLES SOHOHOHOHO MUCH!!!!!!! *SQUEAK* WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEHEEEHIHIHHIHIHIHIHIIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHHI HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!!!!!!!

 After 2 minutes, Harriet finished it all out by wiggling her toes against Brad and Justin’s stomachs; every single inch of them, not leaving a single area untouched.

 Brad and Justin: GLAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA AHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! *the two boys laughed ferociously, flailing on the floor underneath Harriet’s big feet with every immensely ticklish sensation they felt* FDUASIGELRFIUSGIHESBGESIGBSEBGRBSER!!!!!!!! *they then tried to speak through their laughter, all while kicking their legs and wiggling and splaying their toes underneath Brad’s bed as means of dealing with their current tickle torture* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHHAHHHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!!!! *SNORT* *SNORT* *SNORT*/*SQUEAK* *SQUEAK* *SQUEAK* HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE HIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHHIHIHIHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE HIHIHIHHIHHHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHHIHIHIOHOHOHOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHHOHOHO HAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA~!!!!!!!!

 Harriet: Heeheeheeheehee! You boys are just so cute! Heeheeheehee! Oh my gosh, I could just tickle you boys forever and ever. You know that, don’t you? Heeheeheeheeheehee!

 Brad and Justin: HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA~!!!!!!!! *the boys continued laughing, completely ignoring their mother’s question as tears began forming in their eyes*

 Harriet: Heeheeheeheehee! You most certainly do. Heeheeheeheeheehee~

 Brad and Justin: HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA~!!!!!!!!

 Harriet wiggled her toes against Brad and Justin’s stomachs for two whole minutes, relishing in the sweet sound that was their boyish laughter all the while she did so. It was music to her long, beautiful ears and by the time she stopped tickling her adopted sons, Brad and Justin themselves pulled their legs out from underneath Brad’s bed and gave her big hugs, thanking her for tickling them and for being such a wonderful mother.

 Harriet: Awww! I love you too, boys. *said Harriet, crying tears of joy* Oh g-gosh; words cannot describe how happy I am right now.

 Brad: Hehe. I know. It’s all just so much to take in, isn’t it? *asked Brad, referring to his and Justin’s resurrections*

 Harriet: *sniffles* Uh-huh. But I’m most certainly grateful for it. And this time, I’m going to do everything I can to protect you; both of you… and Benny and Robbie and Heather. No matter what!

 Justin: Oh, yeah, we know ya will, Mom; jus’ like Aunt Heidi, the INNKEEPER, will do everythin’ she can ta protect Izzy… and Bastian and Bekah and Bebe.

 Harriet: *sniffles* I’m happy to hear you think so, boys. *sniffles* ………Ha… ha… Well, anyhoo, who wants ice cream? After all that tickling, you’ve got to be hungry for some, right? I know you are, Brad; heeheehee; but what about you, Justin? Do you want any ice cream?

 Justin: Hehehe. Yes. Yes, ah reckon ah do. Hehehehe. But, ah’m not sure if I want a Nice Cream or a Bisicle. …Hmmm…

 Harriet: Heeheehee. How about both? Heeheehee.

 Justin: What?! Really?! No foolin’?! Hehe; thank ya, Mom! Thank ya!

 Brad: Hehe. Oh, wow; thanks, Mom!

 Harriet: Heeheeheehee! You’re very welcome, my sweet cinnamon buns! X3

 THE END.

[blandmemoirs]

Reflection in the Dark

Sometimes you watch a show and it changes your perspective in subtle, nuanced ways. Sometimes you consume information in a way that informs you of something you always understood about yourself, but in a way that makes it more clear. Lately, I've felt, lost? I'm not sure that's the right way to describe it. Perhaps I am trapped? In the dark? Lets go with that. I've felt as if I am in a dark place, slowly marching through the thick of it. I cant see in front of me, and I don't know if I'm making progress or if I'm just going back to where I came from. The more things change, the more they stay the same. And my life has received some small changes with larger overarching meanings that have left me confused and... At a loss. I walk down this lonely road and wonder if the path really means anything, or if I'm slowly pacing towards a bitter end. My senses tell me tragedy is on the horizon, but I am blind as to where it is to come from. Normally I see the bullets coming my way. What does intuition command my path is to be? Its silent. I hear static. I'm in the dark. What do I choose? Am I at a crossroads or have I already taken the turn? Am I going backwards? What is progress? Does it even fucking matter? Or am I concerning myself with things that dont even matter? Do I just drop it all and let go? Let it freeze over. At least the cold takes me where the wind blows.

I do as I have always done and turn to the world of fiction for answers. Be it fate or my own unwitting subconscious, I read of tragedy and loss. I see heartache and hurt. I see broken men lose it all. But as is a constant in the world of comics and capes, they persevere. They are grieving, but they still do what they are called on to do. They still protect and serve and save. Because that is their purpose. It is what they are meant to be. The memory of love lost, and a willingness to carry on. An acceptance of the loneliness and an ever-changing world. They choose to be a constant. To never let the weight of their personal conflicts hold them back from their purpose.

This brings me very specifically to The Punisher Season 2, which I just finished watching. Frank Castle is a man wandering in the dark. No sense of purpose, just drifting. He lost everything, all the love he had in the world ripped from him violently by evil men, some close to him. But he made them pay for it. He punished every piece of shit that had anything to do with his loss. But then what? What is he? Where does he go? He finally lowers his guard to start anew, only for his whole world to go back to shit and the person he fell for to be wounded in the fray. Frank is a man of conviction. He cant see suffering and let is persist. He must step in and put a stop to it. Even if it costs him a "normal life". And so he embarks on a journey of his own making in which he faces a new enemy and an old enemy he couldnt put down last time. In it he must face himself and the decisions he makes. He avenged his family. He put down eveyone involved. Yet here he is, on a violent path again. This time for no motivation other than to protect someone he has no obligation to. In the ensuing 13 hours the show took to finish, I found myself remembering just why I like this character so much.

Frank Castle is a tragic character. His wife and two kids gunned down in front of him. His only meaning in life taken from him. He takes up arms and exacts brutal, bloody punishment on those involved, and eventually, every evil doer who crosses his path. Frank lives in a world of black and white. Of good and evil. Evil must be killed, and good protected. Frank is neither good or bad. He is the line seperating them. He is the executioner carving that bloody divide. Frank doesnt see himself as good, he just sees himself as what he is, The Punisher. He kills the bad people. Thats how simple his world is. You do harm to other people, you hurt the innocent, you must be punished. Frank differs from the traditional hero because he kills. And he feels no remorse for it. He is THE Anti-Hero. He does bad things for the benefit of the good. There are times when I would like to be that. When I consider becoming that way. There are times I have done bad things to help good people. Obviously, I've not done anything as drastic as Frank, but the themes are similar. I am a man of themes and rules.

I see Frank Castle as being the model by which a part of myself wishes to emulate. A man with nothing to lose and a code to enforce. No feelings or friends, just channeling all of my anger and hate into hurting the ones who deserve it most. Its not a sustainable model, and it would only result in my loss. Frank is a sad character in great pain. There isnt a day he doesnt miss his family. But he knows the things he has done would make his family ashamed of him, so he fights his endless war instead. Frank is twice offered a new life this season, both times rejecting the women who love him for the pursuit of his purpose, punishment. Frank ends the show by "becoming what he is meant to be", The Punisher. After a season of him considering what his role in the world is, and whether he can ever allow himself to enjoy a happy ending, Frank pleads his closest friends to be permitted to be what he is meant to be. Frank has given up on his hope for a happy life, and instead is resigned to enacting pain on all who do evil.

I do not want to be like Frank Castle. He is not a role model like Captain America, or a guiding example like the Hulk. The Punisher is a character that has given up striving to be good. He just does what he wants to do because its what he does best. He has rules and a code. He has a sense of morality and purpose, but he has no humanity left in him. He has no love. He only has his wounded soul and a hate fueled by the anger he feels in his loss. Frank is a sad example of what a person can become when they resign themselves to purpose.

I enjoy The Punisher because I can feel what he feels and indulge myself in his reality without becoming him. Its catharsis. The fantasy of beating down abusers and making them swallow their own teeth and beg for mercy as they choke on their own blood. Season Two experimented with a more merciful Frank Castle. But Frank is not meant to be merciful. He is an executioner. Mercy is for the other heroes. The hope of redemption for evil or faith in a system is what separates Frank from those like Daredevil or the Batman. Each instance of mercy was unique in that's its causes and consequences were different. Sometimes more innocents are hurt, other times the man he spared was someone doing evil against their own will, fighting for a cause out of their control. Frank spares many soldiers who are only following orders so long as they can admit their orders were wrong. "Do what you gotta do" he says.

The Punisher will always capture my imagination because I feel the connection to him. That one bad day could spiral me into a position like his. My values remain, but my soul is gone. My purpose is clear, but my heart is cold. I am simply a shell of myself, acting more as a machine or a force of nature than a man. Frank is even referred to as a "whirlwind" at one point. He is defended as not being a criminal, but also not being a hero. Hes just Frank. Sometimes I see myself in a similar vein, not a good man, not a bad man, just Robbie Bland. A constant.

Frank Castle is a forbidden future I hope I never find myself venturing into. I don't want to become like that. So sad, so tragic, so hurt. But committed, committed to a purpose. Committed to a cause, a war. There is no peace for Frank Castle, and perhaps there may never be a peace for Robbie Bland.

As I wander through this dark in my life, I wonder what I may become, if I am to change at all. I wonder what road I may choose, and if it will be the right one for me. For now, I persist in this limbo state. A good enough job in a good enough apartment surrounded by what I hope is endless support from my loved ones. The times are a-changing. But the more things change, the more they remain the same. The more I begin to think I am not alone, the more alone I feel. For now, I can only persevere and wait for the sun to shine.

Waiting, I'm growing good at it. I'm a patient man, no doubt. I can wait a long time. I just need to know what I'm waiting for, and if what I'm waiting for is the right thing in the first place. I am not growing impatient. I am wondering why the hell I am waiting for something I dont fully understand. But, maybe that means I'm bad at waiting.

I'm in the dark. Wandering. Waiting. Contemplating. I think more to the past with each passing day, making peace with some things and plans for others.

Punisher Season 2 has made me realize that I do not want to let go of the chaos my heart hold. That I do not want to let my heart freeze over so that I can commit to purpose and survival. I'd rather feel and pursue what makes me happy than resign myself to loss. Whatever tragedy approaches me, I will face it, and I will make myself better from it.

Getting to live in Frank Castle's head the last day or so has me knowing it is not a place I wish to remain permanently. Merely to indulge at times when I need to be reminded why I chase the things I do.

Good things come to those who wait. I merely need to be patient, the night is darkest before the dawn.

[queers-for-true-equality]

Okay so, we're done here.

I'm Mod Robbie, but you can call me David if you want. This blog was originally intended to be an inside joke between friends, but obviously you can tell it got a little bit more than out of hand.

I expected the post to not get very many notes, and maybe a few messages trying to educate us, but sadly that didn't happen. Most messages (aside from the only positive ones I've published) were rude or disgusting.

Sometimes it's kind of hard for us to see it, me being an actual liberal aligned person specifically, (My persona was a more dramatic, kind of uwu softboy version of myself and I stand by what I said.) but from the other side here I've noticed something.

Once you have a target, like a perceived blog full of 'anti-sjws' (Even though all of our characters had different opinions...), your empathy dies. And that's not a fault of yours obviously, because it's the result of a perceived threat, but it's something you really do need to think about.

Genocide jokes referencing the AIDS crisis (from a non gay man no less!), suicide baiting, rape threats, outright homophobia... It's obvious you don't actually care about "Social Justice" or whatever, you just want the moral high ground. It's a metaphorical dick measuring contest trying to see who can be the most right, and all of you pushed aside any morals and just killed the purpose. We tried to elicit a reaction, but the way people acted over a single obvious satire post is kind of disgusting.

For instance, this anonymous ask that upset me, a PTSD diagnosed CSA survivor who frequently gets real, severe panic attacks.

I don't believe that this is true, and if a post satirizing asexual discourse makes you feel that way, you probably shouldn't be on Tumblr. Not to even mention sending mentions of graphic CSA to a bunch of kids (all or most of which I believe are victims of this kind of thing too) is kind of gross. As in, it makes me feel ill that you'd share this. Either way, I sincerely doubt you got a panic attack from that, and you should get a better friend if you actually did.

Also we talked about how we were gay (We all are.) Lmfao. So like, homophobia references aren't really appreciated. Nice move though! (This is sarcasm, since most of you don't understand facetiousness apparently.)

I'm David, I'm an autistic, nineteen year old, gay, Black, gender-nonconforming (non-cis non-trans/nb fuck White western gender concepts), Amerindian/Latino, who is a survivor of various kinds of sexual assault, csa, abuse, and even disfigurement. All with a side of professionally diagnosed severe chronic PTSD. (P.S. Thanks anon for that vivid flashback!) You guys really showed your true colors this past week. I definitely learned a lot about ace Tumblr, that's for damn sure. Thank you, even though it was a hellish experience.

== Mod Robbie

Hello, I’m Mod Yuno, but you can call me Isa. I was the one who created this blog and the notorious incel post.

As David said, this blog was started as part inside joke and part “what would happen if we-“.

My expectations TOTALLY did not meet what actually happened.

I expected, like David did, for half of the people who saw our blog to treat it like a joke, and for the other half to brush it off as something silly. While we did get people from both sides, we also got some very extreme and hurtful responses.

A trend I’ve noticed on this website is that people will jump at an opportunity to send people r*pe and murder threats as long as it is “justified”. I did not expect this to happen, but it did, just the same.

We made a point by not going out and attacking others. We made a point by spreading extremely silly ideas that nobody would buy into. We made a point by not calling names and to give off this “stupid, confused tumblr kids” vibe, rather than an actively hostile and hurtful one.

What resulted was a big, horrible, hairy mess. I don’t personally mind what people added to our post, because that’s not MY opinions. But how people reacted to it was troubling, to say the least.

We got r*pe threats. We were told to kill ourselves, in many varying, graphic ways. We had genocide and AIDS jokes in our reblogs from non-gay men. As a r*pe and sexual assault survivor, I was appalled at how eager these people were to jump at an opportunity to wish these kinds of things on us, especially when they had the option to make themselves anonymous. Seriously- it feels like all humanity and morals are erased as soon as someone can say whatever they want to whoever they want with absolutely no consequences for them to face.

My name is Isa. I’m a 15 year old ethnically Jewish lesbian, a stalking survivor, and a csa/cocsa survivor. This blog taught us a lot- I hope it taught you something too.

-Mod “Yuno”

[movietvtechgeeks]

Latest story from https://movietvtechgeeks.com/transformers-reboot-superior-marvel-reboot-inferior/

'Transformers' reboot superior, Marvel reboot inferior

Marvel’s Fresh Start Reboot used to be a term thrown around in the realm of computers as the act of re-starting a computer when it acts unusually, acts crazy or simply stalls. After rebooting, the computer returns to an error-free state and works as efficiently as it could, until the memory is again flooded and corrupted with leftover data and buggy code. Nowadays, rebooting also means re-starting or re-doing an old media franchise. The purpose is often to rejuvenate a franchise or updating it to bring in modern and younger fans. Reboots can both be good or bad. The ideas involved in reboots can be cool and fresh but sometimes terrible, lazy and uninspired. Reboots can be a product of love by longtime fans of a franchise but can also be a tool by greedy, unimaginative folks just looking to cash in. There are two upcoming reboots that will affect geek culture and the public in general. One is generally welcome while the other is a mixed bag. The Transformers film franchise and Marvel Comics. The news came out a couple of days ago that Marvel Comics is about to do another soft reboot of its continuity. Something Marvel fans and comic book readers are now quite wary of. Marvel calls it a ‘fresh start’ indicating that several of its titles will be undergoing changes indicative of a reboot. The initiative sounds more like a re-launch. Something Marvel promised about a year ago not to do anymore. For several years, Marvel Comics has been releasing new series, new titles and new volumes of old titles left and right. Aside from that, they keep launching major crossover events one after, the other every other Tuesday much to the chagrin of comic book readers. A series of terrible decisions within the Marvel bullpen has resulted in stagnant comic book sales and more often than not, bad storylines, complicated by mishandling of social justice, politics, and diversity which they used to be good at. Every company enters a slump at some point and to get out of it, Marvel’s new editor-in-chief C.B. Cebulski has decided on another relaunch. Not much is known from Marvel’s Fresh Start initiative other than it being another relaunch or soft reboot much like what it did with Secret Wars 2015 which was followed by All-New All-Different Marvel (ANAD). It was a shame that Marvel didn’t completely reboot its continuity after Secret Wars as it was a great opportunity to finally escape their convoluted sliding timeline and bring new readers in and giving old readers something new just like DC did with its New 52. Well, Marvel could have done better than New 52. Unfortunately, Marvel was pre-occupied with race-bending and gender-swapping several of its main characters and seemed to focus more on politics than telling good superhero stories. Marvel is no stranger to politics and social issues but doesn’t seem to have a good handle on those lately. The stellar performance of the Marvel Cinematic Universe is supposed to help boost comic sales, but current returns are the opposite. Marvel Comics was supposed to promote more Steve Rogers Captain America but instead went with Sam Wilson. After the Success of Captain America: Civil War, Marvel comics decides to turn Steve Rogers into a Nazi., seemingly negating the film’s success as if it was a conscious effort. It was a good story but very ill-timed. Thor Odinson would have benefited from Chris Hemsworth and Tom Hiddleston’s popularity, but they instead had Jane Foster flying around. Jane Foster as Thor, however, was good storytelling. People are loving Bruce Banner Hulk thanks to Mark Ruffalo, but Marvel readers are greeted with Asian Hulk Amadeus Cho and later had Banner killed by Hawkeye during an obvious cash-in event. And finally, people can’t get enough of Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark, but when they pick up an Iron Man title, they see Riri Williams. In another time, these would have been cool ideas. Some of these stories are actually good, but the targeted new readers aren’t picking them up because they aren’t relatable. We don’t mind changes to characters as long as they’re nicely timed and executed. The constant reboots and relaunches by Marvel aren’t doing them much good not just with their readers but with their retailers as well. Marvel has about five Avengers title at a given time, and they hardly last 24 issues before they’re replaced with a new volume. So because diversity and politics ‘weren’t working’, Marvel decided to launch the Marvel Legacy initiative. Legacy meaning returning to its roots and bringing back classic characters. This move worked well with DC when DC merged the New 52 reality with post-Crisis reality resulting in DC Rebirth. The aim of Rebirth was to bring back classic continuity as requested by fans, thankfully killing off emo Superman and bringing back the hopeful Blue Boy Scout and most of all, bringing back good, fantastic storytelling. With Legacy, Marvel also promised not to hold any new crossover events for at least 18 months (Venomverse anyone?). However, five months in, with sales still low and more confused readers after the company returned to its classic numbering, Marvel decided to just screw it and do another relaunch, with many news sites calling the move a reboot, perhaps hopefully. Because a reboot would certainly clean things up for both old and new readers. A reboot will certainly help older readers forget about silly events, silly costumes, dialogue that give nosebleeds, bad decisions and retcons fans just can’t wrap their heads around. And a reboot would certainly encourage more new readers to pick up comic books of characters they’ve just seen out of theaters and in TV like Black Panther the Guardians of the Galaxy, the Runaways and the Agents of SHIELD. Marvel just seems deathly afraid of throwing out decades of continuity. Again, Secret Wars could have given Marvel a clean slate to work with, but the company is afraid to let older fans down. Personally, while I’m still invested in the X-Men’s Dark Phoenix Saga, Fatal Attractions, and the Onslaught Saga, I wouldn’t mind an adaptive reset. I enjoyed reading Ghost Rider’s Rise of the Midnight Sone, Road to Vengeance and Midnight Massacre and won’t forget those. But Robbie Reyes’ Hellcharger is the dope and wouldn’t mind a fresh start with new and adaptive adventures. I say adaptive as imaginative writers can always bring in classic events and make them seem like new. They did those fairly well in X-Men: The Animated Series, Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes and Spectacular Spider-Man. So letting go of old continuity is quite possible and would allow the creativity of Marvel to go wild. Not too wild as Marvel’s editor-in-chief still needs to rein things in and act like a miniature Kevin Feige. Or Marvel will just keep the current continuity but launch its titles again beginning with Number 1s, confusing the readers more and making this fresh start seem like another gimmick in a long series of uninspired cash-ins. We’re not throwing shade at Marvel Comics. Without it and its stories, we wouldn’t be having the time of our lives right now. I wish them luck on this little venture. Hopefully, they come up with something as awesome as DC’s Dark Knights Metal. Transformers Overhaul Meanwhile, in the world of transforming robots, Michael Bay’s film franchise is up for a reboot. Should we be happy with this? After the dismal performance of Transformers: The Last Knight, we should be. Transformers: The Last Knight is definitely the worst Transformers film since Revenge of the Fallen. Though it’s sad to know that there won’t be a cinematic follow-up to the Last Knight to completely wrap up the story we’ve wasted our time on since 2007. The only follow-up to it would be the Bumblebee prequel that’s currently shooting. After the poor performance of the Last film, Michael Bay will be stepping away from the director’s chair. Maybe he himself is already tired of filming the franchise because Last Knight was all over the place. It’s a terrible waste of talent of Sir Anthony Hopkins. The franchise itself is not yet out of steam with Hasbro continuing to launch toy lines and Machinima producing some G1-based web series. While I love Machinima’s generation one robots, it’s stories have much to be desired. Combiner Wars and Titans Return are based on hit IDW Publishing Transformers storylines that birthed Hasbro toy lines of the same name. Perhaps the next good Transformers film should be an animated one. It probably wouldn’t hurt as the best Transformers movie continues to be 1986’s Transformers: The Movie. What critics call a 90-minute rubout commercial has become much-elevated due to the bad taste brought about by Michael Bay’s films. Transformers fans continue to watch this classic wishing that something similar would come out, or simply justifying it as the best, giving Michael Bay the middle finger because a decades-old cartoon still bests the director’s multi-million dollar beasts. We Transformers fans now have a problem as to what stories or how to bring Transformers to the modern audience. Many want to see their favorite G1 incarnations come to life, looking much like their cartoon counterparts instead of the inconsistent, indiscernible pieces of metal Michael Bay pushes out. If so, the new film series could be a 1980s period piece much like the hit Netflix series Stranger Things. The film will please Transformers fans old and new as the period will fascinate the majority millennial audience and show off the beautiful-looking period vehicles. Hopefully, Volkswagen cooperates this time to finally give us a Volkswagen Beetle. Oh right, that’s what the Bumblebee prequel is supposed to look like now. Maybe there should be fewer humans this time as it’s the continuing complaint of all of Michael Bay’s films. The first episode of the G1 cartoon showcased only the robots where Spike and his dad only appeared at the end of the first episode. That’s entirely possible within the new film’s first hour. Spike will then play a mere supporting role for the rest of the film. The humans’ main role would be just to run away screaming while the Decepticons steal energy from power plants and to fail spectacularly while defending said plants. The Autobots meanwhile explore the planet and trying to decide whether they should stay and defend it. There’s plenty of ideas to throw around, hopefully, better than Michael Bay’s creative team of Michael Bay, Michael Bay, and Michael Bay. Poor guy has had enough trashing, and that is not my nature. We are thankful for the guy for rejuvenating this almost dead franchise, but it’s time for another rejuvenation. Time for a renewal, an escape from the convolution of stories and metal parts. Best of luck to the Transformers reboot. It will be very difficult to top the 1986 Transformers: The Movie.

Movie TV Tech Geeks News

[eddycurrents]

Marvel Legacy is the next in a line of rebranding promotions from Marvel akin to Marvel NOW!, All-New Marvel NOW!, Avengers NOW!, All-New All-Different Marvel, All-New Avengers Marvel Brand New NOW! 2.0 NOW!ER 2099, and you get the idea. Usually these initiatives involve a relaunch of a bevy of new number one issues, a few new titles or a family of titles popping up out of a singular previously successful title, and occasionally some shuffling of creative talent. 

Marvel Legacy only really differs from this in that the titles aren’t being relaunched as new number one issues, rather they’re gaining “legacy numbers” with some series seeing numbers as if their first volume was never cancelled/relaunched. 

Also, many of the Marvel Legacy story-arcs, much like the ad copy and homage covers, look to tap into Marvel’s “rich history of storytelling”. Otherwise, it’s pretty much the same as previous rebranding initiatives.

Marvel Legacy #1

Writer: Jason Aaron | Artist: Esad Ribić with Steve McNiven | Colourist: Matthew Wilson | Additional Artists: Chris Samnee, Russell Dauterman, Alex Maleev, Ed McGuinness, Stuart Immonen & Wade von Grawbadger, Pepe Larraz, Jim Cheung, Daniel Acuña, Greg Land & Jay Leisten, Mike Deodato Jr., David Marquez

Published September 2017

Marvel Legacy #1 functions a lot like the Point One issues that previous Marvel initiatives and relaunches have had, in that it focuses primarily on one central story, and then shows bits and pieces of the rest of the world spinning out into other titles.

Jason Aaron splits the issue into four main interwoven narratives.

The first was used as the selling point of the book and one of the primary marketing campaigns, the introduction of the “One Million BC Avengers”. It’s a team of gods and super-powered beings including Odin, Phoenix, Agamotto, an Iron Fist, a Ghost Rider, a Starbrand, and a Black Panther. Aaron sets them up in battle with a Celestial and, unfortunately, that’s all we really get of them. They’re interesting, but the story doesn’t go particularly in depth with them besides introducing them as the archetypes for the “hosts” we’ll see in one of the other threads.

The second narrative spins out of the one million BC flashback, with Robbie Reyes awakening thinking the events prior as being a dream. Then he gets attacked by Starbrand and most of this sequence remains a long, extended fight scene. In terms of story, it’s probably the weakest part of the book. While it’s heavy on action and allows the art the breathe, it’s a little disjointed. Robbie is displaying powers that he shouldn’t have (he’s technically not a spirit of vengeance) and Starbrand is acting wildly out of character. The former is addressed in story, so both are likely to be intentional character beats, but they don’t lead anywhere.

There is a redeeming quality of this thread, though, because it dovetails an excavation that leads to the modern day reveal of the Celestial. 

The third narrative begins with Loki rousing a band of frost giants to fight on his behalf, then spirits them away to a SHIELD storage facility. This follows a trio of legacy heroes in Jane Foster, Sam Wilson in one of his last turns as Captain America, and Riri Williams as they battle the frost giants trying to get whatever happens to be in the box Loki sent them for. It’s entertaining, and also allows Aaron to provide a gentle rib on legacy heroes sometimes not getting everything right through Riri’s inability to get “Avengers Assemble!” correctly. I also think that “Iron Ma’am” should be adopted over “Ironheart”.

Like the second narrative, this one dovetails a broader story with the return of a character lost for some time, along with what looks like an even larger quest than some solicitations have led us to believe. I won’t spoil the return, but it’s suitably epic. Especially in how Ribić handles the revelation. Just overall it’s a great sequence.

The fourth narrative provides the narration and glue to the issue. The reveal of who’s narrating the story, why, and how it ties together all of the disparate parts including the teasers isn’t revealed until the end of the book. It also features the return of a character I’ll not reveal, but it hints at something more hopeful, more optimistic coming in the future.

Aaron’s Thor: God of Thunder collaborator, Esad Ribić handles the lion’s share of the art here and it’s beautiful. Ribić is deft at action and the weird & wonderful world of gods and monsters, making the sequences with the “One Million BC Avengers” vs. the Celestial and Loki & the Frost Giants look amazing. The design for the Celestial itself is impressive, inviting many returns to its reveal page.

Matthew Wilson does an impeccable job with his colour work here. He changes styles and approaches to suit each sequence and each artist in the book, that you’d kind of think he’s multiple people. While much of the colour over Ribić’s work is somewhat ephemeral, the Ghost Rider/Starbrand sequences take on more bright primary colours, and the more explicit superhero portions show other textures and colour-schemes to differentiate them from the rest. 

Steve McNiven lends a hand to what looks like primarily the Jane Foster, Sam Wilson, and Riri Williams sequences at one of SHIELD’s storage facilities and it acts as an interesting counterpoint to the softer pages with Ribić’s work. It features more flat colouring from Wilson and acts more like “traditional” superhero art, adding a different take on the story. Where much of the rest of the book has an almost ethereal quality to it, these sequences feel much more grounded in reality.

The teasers for other forthcoming stories and characters are pretty nice. 

We get teases for Captain America, Thor, Iron Man, Deadpool, Iron Fist, Doctor Strange, Norman Osborn, The Avengers, Thing & Human Torch, Black Panther, Totally Awesome Hulk, Jean Grey, Guardians of the Galaxy, and a few other hints here and there, and it serves its purpose fairly well in whetting your appetite for some or all of these stories. 

The art alone on these pages is incredible. Particularly the pages from Ed McGuinness, Pepe Larraz, Mike Deodato Jr., Chris Samnee, and Daniel Acuña. These tease really make you want to check out what’s coming in the other Marvel Legacy branded titles. It’s just a shame that in some cases these artists aren’t going to be the ones associated with the forthcoming titles.

It’s not a bad overview of some of the corners of the Marvel Universe, but I think some of the connectivity could have been a bit better in regards to why they’re being included in-story. There’s a reason revealed at the end of the book, but some of the vignettes seem disconnected.

Now, where Marvel Legacy #1 really fails is where it goes next. This issue is incomplete in its story and we don’t know where to look next. The one page vignettes by various artists are relatively self-explanatory, but the story of the 1 million BC Avengers? No idea. The narrative of Loki, the Celestial, and the legacy hosts? Likewise, there’s no indication where this is going to be picked up next. I have a feeling that some of it is going to be followed in the Phoenix Resurrection: Return of Jean Grey series by Matthew Rosenberg and Leinil Francis Yu and another part in Gerry Duggan and Marcus To’s All-New Guardians of the Galaxy, but there are no clear sign pointers.

For something that is meant to lead people further into the wide world of the Marvel Legacy relaunch/rebranding, not having a clear direction for the main story spinning out of the book, at least at launch, is highly detrimental. It just leaves people confused as to what and where they can read further stories. It’s well and good to promote the other Marvel Legacy titles, even obliquely or simply as text pieces at the back of the book, it’s another thing to introduce a major story and not give readers a direction for where to continue reading that story.

It’s one thing to leave an audience wanting more, it’s something else entirely to leave them wanting more wondering if, where, and when there’s even going to be anything more.

This Week’s Legacy Titles

Eight titles kick off the Marvel Legacy repackaging proper, with two titles sporting new legacy numbering, four titles continuing their existing numbering, one new series, and Venom that kind of started the legacy numbering “craze” for Marvel a few months ago.

All of the series purport to start off new storylines, to ease readers in to these jumping on points, although two of them at least are definite continuations of the stories to date. Avengers #672 begins its “Worlds Collide” crossover with its sister title Champions. Jesus Saiz joins the book on art, providing a more traditional style compared to Mike del Mundo. Iceman #6 looks back to his Champions days, with the start of “Champions Reassembled”. Iron Fist #73 begins “Sabretooth: Round Two”, invoking one of the legendary battles in Marvel history from the introduction of Sabretooth back in Iron Fist #14. Jessica Jones #13 hearkens back to one of the most harrowing points in her life with part one of “Return of the Purple Man”.

Royals #9 continues its ongoing story since the first issue, but provides a point for new readers to pick up the series with Javier Rodríguez joining the series as its new regular artist, while plunging headfirst into the Inhuman Progenitor arc. Spirits of Vengeance #1 begins a new mini-series of a team-up of some of Marvel’s horror mainstays by Victor Gischler and David Baldeon. Venom #155 gains Mark Bagley as an artist while it continues its look backwards to Eddie’s days as a “Lethal Protector”, reconciling it with his and the symbiote’s attempts to be more heroic. And finally, X-Men Gold #13 begins its “Mojo Worldwide” crossover with X-Men Blue, bringing back Mojo, who really didn’t go anywhere in the first place. But Mojoworld is fun and equals ratings, right?

d. emerson eddy has no legacy numbering, has never personally been rebooted, and probably doesn’t have any iconic stories anyone remembers.

[ramajmedia]

Sam Raimi's Spider-Man Trilogy: 10 Questions We Still Want Answered

Now that Spider-Man is out of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, fans have turned back to viewing the character in his own light rather than as “The Iron Kid” as he mostly was in the MCU. What better version of Spider-Man to turn to than the most famous Sam Raimi trilogy one?

RELATED: 10 Hilarious Thanos Memes Only Titans Would Love

This film series won’t ever be outdated, and fans still get a kick out of it almost two decades after it premiered. Since the trilogy has been viewed so many times, there are questions we would like to have answered because Spider-Man 4 never materialized. And with the MCU Spider-Man out for the time being, these 10 questions about the Sam Raimi trilogy have never felt more important to be asked than now.

10 Is That Mysterio?

It’s been said by Bruce Campbell that he was supposed to be unveiled as Mysterio in a future Spider-Man film, and his repeat cameos in the trilogy were meant to be part of his illusions, even though that doesn’t quite make sense.

RELATED: 10 Marvel Logic Memes That Are Too Hilarious For Words

In any case, we don’t know in-universe of what might be going on, considering Vulture and Lizard were villains who were supposedly in line to be the antagonist in Spider-Man 4. If Bruce Campbell really was Mysterio, then we want to know why he came up with Spider-Man’s name, and why he was so happy to help Peter Parker propose to Mary Jane.

9 What Is Peter And Mary Jane's Relationship Status?

The final shot of the trilogy was of Peter and Mary Jane dancing to a slow song (even though Mary Jane was supposed to be at work, so what was up with that?), but one could see their expressions were filled with sadness. 

We can’t be certain if they were mourning the death of Harry or the demise of their relationship. Peter never did apologize to her for the hurt he inflicted while under the symbiote’s influence, neither did she do the same when being manipulated by Harry. Chances are, that might have been their break-up dance, although the scene is up for several interpretations.

8 What Became Of Flint Marko?

There was a hint of Flint Marko returning to his human form at the end of Spider-Man 3, when we saw him tear up despite being made of sand. Along with that, being forgiven by Peter won’t do squat for Flint with the cops, who were out to arrest him.

With Flint’s escape, it meant he was still at large and now had no purpose left. Presumably, he gave up a life of crime, which still leaves him broke and without any means to provide for his daughter. Being a city-wide famous criminal won’t simply land him any jobs, and signs point toward him returning to be a criminal. We just don’t any of this for sure.

7 Does Aunt May Know Peter Is Spider-Man?

There comes a point where you start suspecting how someone has just the right words for every occasion. In Spider-Man 2 and Spider-Man 3, Aunt May fit this trope when she had a philosophical solution to all of Peter’s problems.

RELATED: Spider-Man: Far From Home: 10 Best Memes The Internet Has Given Us

It didn’t stop there either, as Aunt May could even read Spider-Man like a book, despite Peter never having told her he was Spider-Man. It seemed as if Aunt May might have figured out Peter’s superhero identity on her own, and it would have been nice to see Peter discussing his superhero problems openly with her.

6 What's The Deal With Mary Jane's Career?

One might find this a silly question, but we’re too darn curious to know how it was that Mary Jane fell so hard from her former position. In Spider-Man 2, she was so popular that her face was plastered all around New York. Come Spider-Man 3, and she was reduced to singing in her lowly clubs.

Even crazier is that Mary Jane somehow went from being an actress to just a singer, as she was fired from her play due to not having a strong voice. Her later employment was also as a singer who doubled as a waitress, making it far too confusing whether Mary Jane was an actress or a singer, or now just a failed actress and singer.

5 Does Robbie Know Peter Is Spider-Man?

Some people get freaked out by this scene when they’re not prepared to watch it, as we see Robbie eyeing Peter with a knowing expression when talking about Spider-Man. It was a moment that was never touched upon before or ever since then, making it a total mystery as to what the heck was going on.

RELATED: Uncharted: 10 Tom Holland Roles That Prove He’s Ready To Become Nathan Drake

Supporters of the theories that Robbie knew all along that Peter was Spider-Man insists this was the reason why he kept arguing with J.J.J. that Spider-Man wasn’t a menace; those opposed argue that Robbie didn’t do anything to help Peter in any way. Whatever’s the case, we just want to know why Robbie was so shifty in that particular occasion.

4 What Became Of The Symbiote Sample With Dr. Conors?

Here’s something people don’t think about much: A part of the Venom symbiote is still with Dr. Connors. The one that died with Eddie Brock was the part of Venom that had assimilated the qualities of Spider-Man, but there was still the sample that Peter dropped off to Dr. Connors for inspection. 

Since the symbiote can stretch itself according to the size of its host, there’s a very good chance our dear doctor might be its target. And as Dr. Connors’ lab is full of science-y stuff, there’s no telling what the symbiote might latch onto. In this way, Peter is still not rid of Venom.

3 Does The World Know The Goblin's Identity Now?

Harry’s dumb butler waited right till the end of Spider-Man 3 to tell him what he should have revealed two movies ago, and that was the truth about his father as a villain. However, since that conversation was private, no-one else would be aware of this.

RELATED: Avengers: 10 Hilarious Endgame Logic Memes That Make Professor Hulk Laugh

That would be understandable unless you consider that the public saw Harry with the Goblin technology, and with Harry being dead and all, the technology should have been confiscated. Putting two and two together isn’t difficult here, and the conclusion should be reached that both Harry and Norman must have been the Goblins. The trouble is, we don’t know if that universe’s police is smart enough to figure this out.

2 Is Peter Still Spider-Man?

After learning of his darkest tendencies with the symbiote and realizing how his powers can be abused with severe consequences, we just can’t be sure if Peter would want to be Spider-Man anymore. 

All his villains are gone by this point, and his best friend’s death (due to his inability to save him) might just be the catalyst to Peter giving up his superhero identity. Since there was no Spider-Man 4, we only have Peter’s grief as the last image of the character, and it’s hard to see him swinging around New York City this way.

1 Did Mr. Ditkovich Fix The Door Or Does He Still Want Rent?

Ah yes, the real money question that has been nagging the fanbase for 12 years has been the Mr. Ditkovich problem. And it’s a serious one too, because there have been endless arguments whether Peter should have paid the rent first, or if Mr. Ditkovich should have fixed that blasted door. 

This is an issue more pressing than the “Chicken or the Egg” conundrum, and one we want to know more dearly than anything else in the Spider-Man trilogy. Was Mr Ditkovich’s hunger for his rent stronger than Peter’s quest for justice to get his door fixed?

NEXT: 5 Alternate Versions Of Spider-Man We Hope To See In The Spider-Verse Sequel (& 5 We Don’t)

source https://screenrant.com/sam-raimis-spider-man-trilogy-questions-answered/

[moviemagistrate]

2016 Movie Year in Review

All the 2016 movies I saw, ranked from worst to best, with superlatives in the end.

Notes: 

1. I apologize for some of these reviews being half-assed. I went a bit overboard with this and at a certain point just wanted to be done.

2. Thank you for reading this. Even if you don’t read it all, just pretend that you did and tell me how great I am. I love validation.

3. If you disagree with any of my reviews, please tell me, so I can explain precisely why your taste is shit. I also welcome regular discussion.

91. Diablo – In what was a recurring theme in 2016, I saw this under-the-radar Western despite its’ shitty reviews. I was never one to let critics influence my own opinion on something, and I figured that Scott (son of Clint) Eastwood’s Western debut with a supporting performance from personal-fave Walton Goggins couldn’t be that bad. Well, if it’s completely forgotten about and accomplishes nothing else (it already has been and it doesn’t), “Diablo” shows that even the majority of people can sometimes be totally, totally right.

This film is about a young Civil War veteran whose sexy wife gets kidnapped and he goes out on a journey to rescue her. Along the way, we start to realize that the motivations in the kidnapping and the rescue aren’t so simple, etc. The premise is decent and it starts out well (with one hell of an entrance for Eastwood’s character) but the longer the movie goes on, the exponentially faster it falls apart.

This is one of the most poorly-made and ineptly-written actual movies I’ve ever seen. It’s kind of like an Ed Wood flick minus the schlocky charm. None of the characters in this movie act or talk like actual human beings. It’d be surreal if it felt intentional. I’ve written better screenplays on toilet paper, and I don’t mean with a pen. The dialogue is awful and often goes nowhere, the direction is confusing, guns are shot with zero recoil (a personal trigger for me, no pun intended), the acting (even from good actors like Goggins and Danny Glover) sucks, the plot twist is retarded and obvious from a minute into the movie, and I’m willing to bet that even the catering for this film wasn’t that great either.

If Scott Eastwood wants a future in Westerns (or movies in general), I would ask/bribe/intimidate everyone who saw this film to sign a non-disclosure agreement, which shouldn’t be hard since so few people saw it. “Diablo” has nice intentions, but intentions will only get you so far when everyone involved in the creative process is so inept at their job that they make Sony/Warner Bros. executives look almost competent. It’s would all be hilarious if it wasn’t so damn dull. It feels a bit mean giving my bottom spot to a tiny, independent movie with almost no release when there’s plenty of studio-produced garbage to choose from (more on that shortly), but trust me, even in a shitty year for film like 2016, “Diablo” deserves it.

Nice cinematography, though.

90. Suicide Squad – I’m probably going to spoil parts of the movie here. I also probably won’t proofread this review after I finish writing it. I don’t care, honestly, because just thinking about the aptly-named “Suicide Squad” makes me lose the will to live.

I went into this film expecting it to be garbage even before the negative reviews started pouring in. When I heard that Warner Bros. were planning massive reshoots and rewrites to “make the movie more light-hearted”, a million red flags went up for me. It’s one thing to add in a few additional shots or lines, but WB wanted to fundamentally alter the film’s DNA, while still retaining much of the original footage. The result isn’t so much a new film but rather two films horrifically Frankensteined together, not unlike last year’s “Fantastic Four” (how’s that for a comparison?) The first half is atrocious. It’s just a series of introductions to the main cast that all feel like badly-edited music videos. EVERY. GODDMAN. SCENE in the first half of the movie has some really out-of-place popular song that is not only groan-inducing but also doesn’t fit the tone of the scene in most cases. Slipknot doesn’t even get one of these introductions (not that it matters much since he’s killed off about 10 minutes after we first meet him). His intro amounts to another character saying the funniest line of the movie; “That’s Slipknot. He can climb ANYTHING.” Whoa, watch out for this bad motherfucker.

I don’t know how much of this you can blame on the reshoots, but the plot is fundamentally retarded, as well. Putting aside the basic idea that the contingency plan for a rogue god-like superhero is just a small team of criminals with guns and melee weapons, only two of whom have actual powers, the story progression beats are just plain dumb. The main villain is an all-powerful witch that was supposed to be on the squad but escapes because the government was very lenient in looking after her. Upon being rescued, Viola Davis’ government higher-up kills her subordinates because they “didn’t have clearance” or something like that, even though it was literally their job to help her run everything. At one point, the Joker shows up, takes Harley Quinn away from the squad, only to crash and die (but not really), and she just returns a minute later. In wanting to show his trust, the soldier in charge of the Squad smashes his explosion-app phone, and allows them to leave if they want to. In the ONLY genuinely funny moment in the movie, comic relief character Captain Boomerang wordlessly gets up and leaves. In a move I will never forgive Warner Bros. for, he just returns unceremoniously a minute later (there might be a boomerang joke there, but that’s giving the script too much credit). During the climax, the Squad has a fight with the witch, during which no one even gets hurt so it feels pretty pointless, before she says to stop and tries to coax them into joining her by making them envision and promising them their greatest desires (once again wasting the character’s potential, Captain Boomerang’s is never shown).

The characters might have been the saving grace, but they are all handled incredibly poorly. Despite being “bad guys” (which they verbally remind each other and the audience throughout), they are more like quirky Guardians of the Galaxy-esque heroes, spouting quips and doing the right thing even when it’s against their supposed nature. El Diablo makes sense, as he’s trying to repent for his sins, but why do the rest of them have morals? Why, during Diablo’s story about how he accidentally killed his family, does Harley Quinn un-ironically give him a “how could you do such a monstrous thing?” reaction. What little character development any of them have feels rushed and/or forced, where by the end they are willing to sacrifice themselves for each other and calling themselves a “family” despite having only met a few hours earlier and only exchanged a few quips here and there. Where they could have made genuinely interesting characters by making the main-characters actual villainous anti-heroes who act against the government even while working for them, Warner Bros. just made them typical Marvel heroes, spouting typical Marvel quips while killing typical Marvel cannon-fodder enemies and trying to close a typical Marvel sky portal that can destroy the world or whatever it was supposed to do, except doing it all worse. It doesn’t help that Captain Boomerang, Killer Croc, Katana, and even Joker are all useless and have literally no practical purpose for being in the plot.

How do you fuck up a movie so badly that even Will Smith can’t save it? Smith is one of the few good things about this movie, basically playing his typical leading-man Will Smith persona but he’s so charismatic and likable that you can’t help but feel bad for him for being in this dreck. The rest of the cast is a mixed bag. Margot Robbie has the potential to play a good Harley Quinn, but none of her jokes work (a combination of her delivery and the awful script) and as mentioned before, she’s written to be way too sympathetic. Jai Courtney (Boomerang) had the career-first potential to be good here, but is barely used and what little comic relief he provides is squandered. Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (who I was actually looking forward to in this movie) has only like 6 lines as Killer Croc underneath all that makeup, and all of them make him sound like a black stereotype; as a favor for accomplishing the mission at the end, he asks for BET in his cell, which is a step above asking for fried chicken and grape-drank, so at least there’s that. The guy playing El Diablo is alright. The actors playing Col. Flagg and Katana are forgettable. Oscar-nominee Viola Davis is actually pretty bad as the government head of the squad, looking bored throughout and giving stilted line-deliveries while failing to be intimidating. Cara Delevingne (in her witch form) looks and talks like a particularly poorly-written Game of Thrones character, and is probably the least intimidating villain I’ve ever seen in a comic book movie. Ben Affleck is in the movie for like, a minute. That’s all there is to him.

And how can I forget Jared Leto’s performance as Joker? No seriously, how? Please tell me. He decided that playing the most famous bad guy in comic history would be to act like a Tourette-afflicted edgy teenager who rebels against his upper-class parents by shopping at Hot Topic. At least he was entertainingly cringe-worthy, unlike most of the movie, which is just the regular kind. Who knows, maybe in all that cut footage of him lies a good performance or character arc, but he seems less like a demented criminal mastermind and more like the type of person who would giggle maniacally to himself after tearing the tag off of his mattress. Also, if there’s a word for the introduction version of an anti-climax, Joker’s first appearance in the film is exactly that.

In summary, the acting ranges from decent to bad, the characters are weak, the writing is abysmal, the plot is nonsensical, the tone is all over the place, the music choices are head-drillingly irritating, the action scenes are dull to the point where I zoned out quite a bit during them, and all-in-all a movie that should’ve been stylish and cool is just drab and embarrassing. I know that director David Ayer is better than this (and that he didn’t even have any say in the final edit) and I’m sure there’s a decent cut of this film somewhere, so instead of blaming him I’m going to blame Warner Bros., a studio that gives Sony Pictures a run for their money in terms of sheer incompetency. They’re in such a hurry to catch up to Marvel that they forgot to properly set up their universe and don’t even have a clear vision for what they want to accomplish, story-wise. Say what you will about the MCU and how formulaic a lot of their movies are, but at least Kevin Feige has a vision for his series and makes it work. WB saw the less-than-ideal performance of “Batman v Superman”, panicked, and butchered Ayer’s film to try and make it appeal to as many people as possible, ultimately appealing to no one.

Hell, give Zack Snyder the reigns to the DCEU. He’s not without his flaws, but he’s the closest thing to an auteur working in superhero films today and he’s infinitely more competent in telling a story than the hacks who edited the “Suicide Squad” I saw in theaters. Who is the real Suicide Squad? Is it the team of “bad guys” in the movie? Or is it the audience who is forced to endure this piece of shit? If there is justice, it will be the executives at Warner Bros. who should be forced by shareholders to commit ritualistic suicide live on The CW following “Arrow”

Or just punched in the stomach.

89. Ghostbusters – A “Ghostbusters” reboot is the most politically divisive film of 2016. It’s things like this that make me wonder if we’ve lost our way as a culture. Why people got so up in arms over the casting is beyond me. Personally, I think that anyone who condemns or praises a film solely because of the sex of its leads should be sterilized. But for months ahead of release, I saw almost nonstop articles, Tweets, and arguments about “misogyny” and “the patriarchy” and “raped childhoods” in regards to a silly comedy about people who hunt ghosts, and I started to wonder if it was actually a bad thing that the Chinese will soon take over the West (not that the Chinese would ever allow this film to be released, because Commies are afraid of ghosts or something like that).

It should come as no surprise to anyone with the slightest bit of rationality and foresight, however, that all this controversy would amount to nothing because the film is just a dull, unimaginative slog. I was expecting the movie to be shit because writer/director Paul Feig is a hack who never should have moved past television comedies, and Sony Pictures is a major movie studio run by a bunch of chimps with Down’s Syndrome, and apparently I’m better at pattern recognition than most. But honestly, I can’t even get worked up about “Ghostbusters” because it was just so boring. It never reached the point of being offensively bad like “Suicide Squad”, but this movie doesn’t really have anything going for it either. The lead actresses are fine, and could do well if they had some decent material to work with, but they aren’t funny enough to carry a very improv-heavy feature length film by themselves. A good improvised bit can be like a nice sprinkling of cinnamon on a tasty dessert, but “Ghostbusters” felt like eating several spoonfuls of cinnamon straight from the container. This felt like a modern-day SNL sketch arduously stretched out to two hours.

The improv could have worked if the leads had actual characters to work with, but each one is given just one personality trait (Leslie Jones is scared, Kate McKinnon is koooooky, Kristen Wiig is insecure, and Melissa McCarthy is…there), and they often break their trait for their banter where they constantly try to say funny things and tell jokes, making them feel like a bad college comedy-troupe instead of actual characters. Paul Feig didn’t even bother with any character development; just one forced scene where the animosity between Wiig and McCarthy’s characters, that’s forgotten within 15 minutes, is finally brought up again in the last 5. After a point, I started to feel bad for the cast. I know that McKinnon, Wiig, and McCarthy can do better than this (and have), and even Leslie Jones (who was the worst part of the trailer but is surprisingly the only likable and believable character in the film) deserves more than what she’s given. The only somewhat funny character was the mayoral aide who privately supports the team while publically insulting and condemning them.

As with Paul Feig’s other films, the plot is thin as can be (four women team up to investigate ghosts, start their own business, and before you know it, all hell breaks loose), and it feels very disjointed, with a lot of scenes feeling like they could be put in different orders and it wouldn’t make a difference. As a result, the film fails to properly ramp up in terms of stakes and motivations. There are set-ups without payoffs, and payoffs to things that were never really set up. And of course Feig can’t shoot action or comedy for shit, to the point where even a gifted physical comic like McCarthy looks like she’s lightly swinging at air in her fight scenes. He also clearly misses the R-rating he’s had so far in his feature films, where the lack of jokes is exacerbated without the crutch of swearing to lean on. Plus, as typical of a Sony Pictures movie, there’s enough forced product placement on display to make Michael Bay blush.

The lowest points of the film are the cutesy references to the original film and cameos from the original cast, with the absolute nadir being a scene with a Bill Murray who looks like he’s wondering if it’d be faster to run away from the film set (that he was sued into being on) or to slit his own throat. This just points to a studio product that plays it so safe and close to the original that it doesn’t have any identity of its own, and funnily enough, the gender-swapping of the lead roles is the only decent idea it has to differentiate itself.

As I said before, this wasn’t terrible or painful to watch (possible because I was already detached very early in the movie, but still). I got two chuckles, one from Jones and one from Chris Hemsworth, and a handful of snorts here and there. The CGI, sets, and prop-design are all colorful and surprisingly solid. But the overall movie is just mediocre and a chore to sit through. I normally don’t write lengthy reviews for comedies because there are only so many ways to say something isn’t funny, but the 2016 “Ghostbusters” just isn’t funny, and all the controversy that was brewed up (it wouldn’t surprise me if Sony manufactured the hateful reactions to the trailers themselves to drum up publicity) ultimately led to another one of the same bland, cash-grab remakes that Hollywood has been pumping out for the last several years. Now I may be a sexist, chauvinistic white cis-het misogynist shitlord, but I think the movie-going public deserves better than this, even those dumb bitc…[REDACTED]

88. The Neon Demon - A 16-year-old girl moves to LA to become a model, and finds quick success due to her good looks (and we know she looks good because none of the other characters, including her, ever stop mentioning it), but soon after finds herself succumbing to her own hubris and the jealousy of those around her. That’s literally the entire plot of the movie, minus some of the dirty specifics. Then again, you don’t see a Nicholas Winding Refn for the plot. As can be expected from any of his post-Drive films, characters speak very obvious dialogue with remarkably long pauses, they stare off into the distance a lot (even when just looking into a mirror), jarring ultraviolence occurs, and pretty red-and-blue lighting abounds.

I found NWR’s particular brand of violent, brightly colored autism amusing up to a point, but after a while, it became increasingly grating. Part of that is that the movie as a whole just feels kind of pointless. Thematically it’s quite obvious; the modeling world exploits young women, and said women are also jealous, catty bitches (at least, that’s the impression I got from Refn). But why the fuck is this movie two hours long? So much of the film is just NWR indulging in all of his trademark filming techniques at the expense of making interesting characters. Yes, there are plenty of striking visuals with their fair share of obvious symbolism, but that’s pretty much all there is to it. Much of the movie is filmed like a modeling session or a runway show (which is probably intentional), but there comes a point where you just want to shout “YES, I GET THE GODDAMN POINT, ALREADY.” After about an hour in, I just wanted it to end and couldn’t really care about what happened next. In what seemed like an attempt to rope me back in, the last 40 minutes or so is when the twisted and violent stuff starts happening, but I was less shocked and more annoyed and disgusted by what I was seeing.

The cast is alright, I suppose. The performances from Bella Heathcote and Abbey Lee as the two models that become jealous of the main character are fun and biting. Keanu Reeves is surprisingly entertaining as a sleazy motel manager. As much as I hated that one particular scene with Jena Malone (you’ll know it when it happens), I commend her for being so committed to her performance to actually pull that scene off. Everyone else kind of just occupies that NWR character spectrum that exists somewhere between ethereal and autistic (leaning much closer to the latter in this film).

I hate it when people say the stuff I dislike about a movie is done intentionally. Was my boredom intentional? If, however, the prospect of having Nicholas Winding Refn slowly jerking himself off in your face for two hours while maintaining unblinking eye contact with synth music playing in the background sounds like your cup of tea, then “The Neon Demon” will satisfy your unusually specific fetish, you weirdo.

87. Triple 9 – Have you ever seen an urban police drama? Congrats, you’ve already seen “Triple 9”. Basically, there is a squad of crooked Atlanta cops who plan to rob a government building with some criminals in order to appease a mob wife (hammed-up by Kate Winslet in what could possibly be her first bad performance), and they aim to simultaneously stage the murder of a fellow cop across town so there would be little resistance during their robbery. There are ride-alongs, roughing up of suspects, lots of swearing, drug use, betrayals, etc. Pretty much every “gritty” urban crime movie cliché since the ‘90s is in this film, and very little of it is interesting. The movie only really comes alive during its action sequences. The opening bank robbery and mid-film raid especially are expertly crafted and are genuinely exciting. However, they (and a wonderful little cameo from Michael K. Williams) are the film’s only highlights, and the only other thing “Triple 9” is noteworthy for is having such a talented cast and wasting them on such been-there-done-that material. It’s not an ordeal to get through; it holds your attention and it’s thankfully not as edgy as I feared, but between the dull plot, lame dialogue, and unlikable, two-dimensional characters, “Triple 9” is more of a Single 5 (out of 10).

86. The Invitation – A man named Will, who looks like a cross between Jesus and Tom Hardy, brings his new girlfriend to a dinner party set up by his long-estranged ex-wife and her new husband. Things start to get weird when they begin talking a lot about a spirituality group they’re a part of, and Will’s paranoia over their strange behavior is made worse when all of his friends seem to accept it with no problem. I went into watching this movie with little to no expectations, and those expectations were steadily raised by the performances and direction, and it all got pissed away at the end. For a while, it seemed like a really good drama with a genuinely interesting exploration of grief, but without spoiling anything, in the third act it became the EXACT movie I was really hoping it wouldn’t become. I’m sure most people won’t have the problem with this movie that I did, and the good actors and Karyn Kusama’s strong directing (she expertly builds tension and creates a great sense of space) keep it going for the most part, even despite how dumb and illogical a lot of the characters are. But I was just so disappointed by the schlock it became that it just left a bad taste in my mouth. Accept this “Invitation” if you want, but I’m staying home instead.

85. Swiss Army Man – Look, I give it points for originality, but this was never going to be my kind of movie. It’s the kind of premise and cast (Paul Dano uses Daniel Radcliffe’s magical farting corpse to get back to civilization while learning about life) that seemed destined to be “baby’s first high-concept indie film”. I saw it because I wanted to give it a chance anyway, and while it’s not without its merits (a good deal of creativity, two committed performances, and plenty of visual flair), the endless grossout humor, montages, and really ham-fisted explanation of themes and character development wore me down to the point where I just didn’t care by the end. I would have liked for the movie to have a more straight-faced approach to the situation, which I think would have underlined the absurd humor present. Instead, we have the kind of ironic whimsy one would get if they saw a bunch of Spike Jonze and Michel Gondry films and completely missed the point. I also would have liked a darker and more realistic ending, one that would actually feel like a culmination of the themes of loneliness and isolation the movie wouldn’t shut the fuck up about. As you might have guessed, the tone is all over the place, too.

If you like this movie, that’s fine. But “Swiss Army Man” is certainly not 2deep4me, and if there is any point I missed in watching it, I don’t care enough to re-watch it. Someone told me that a lot the things I found annoying about this film are intentional. Well, intentionally annoying is still. Fucking. Annoying.

84. Elvis & Nixon – The premise for this movie is really neat. On a December morning in 1970, Elvis Presley strolls up to the White House to request an emergency meeting with Richard Nixon and convince the President to swear him in as an undercover agent, leading to one of the most famous photos in U.S. history. The execution: not so great. The main problem is that the actual meeting is only the last 15-or-so minutes of the movie. The lead-up involves Elvis and his manager’s efforts to actually set up the meeting with Nixon’s staff, while Nixon is hesitant about allowing it. There is way too much stuff about the manager and his family, and Nixon’s staff. It’s not a lot of screentime, but it’s stuff/people you don’t care about in the slightest and is too much by definition (no offense to Colin Hanks, but he should really stick to TV). A lot of this stuff could have been replaced by more Elvis/Nixon, or just cut out entirely, since even at 87 minutes, the film’s length is stretched out.

Luckily, the movie is saved by the outstanding talents playing the titular characters. Michael Shannon as the King and Kevin Spacey as Tricky Dick are so good that they go beyond mere caricatures and actually feel like they embody the historical figures, even if the material is rather light. Much of the movie’s focus is on Shannon’s Elvis, and he easily holds the film together, even though you wish there was more of Nixon. The meeting between the two is of course the highlight of the movie, a wonderful stranger-than-fiction moment of history that would have made a pretty good short film. Here’s hoping for an exploitation-style sequel where they team up to fight evil drug fiends, because they deserve a movie as fun and unique as they are.

83. The Little Prince – Full confession: I wrote this review a couple of months after actually seeing “The Little Prince” on Netflix and I barely remember anything about it. I remember thinking it was a nice little animated film with a nice message about not forgetting your childhood spirit and imagination and sense of wonder as you grow up. I remember thinking that the CGI animation was nothing special (it was animated in France with a modest budget, so I won’t complain), but the stop-motion sequences were pretty impressive. I remember chuckling a few times and getting the feels once or twice.

It’s alright, from what I recall, so check it out if you like. I’m sorry if you’re a big fan of “The Little Prince” and were hoping for a more in-depth and detailed review, but I genuinely had a hard time remembering stuff about this film, which (considering the film’s message and key themes) is pretty ironic.

82. Jack Reacher: Never Go Back – I was going to make a superlative at the end of this list for “most generic”, but I realized nothing came close to this Tom Cruise action thriller. This movie is so relentlessly generic that it almost feels intentional, like a satire of one of those mediocre 90’s thrillers that are shown endlessly on cable, probably as a double-feature with “U.S. Marshals”. Tom Cruise has never made a bad movie, but this is easily one of his worst ones. Typical conspiracy thriller plot from the type of shitty airport-bookstore paperback novels that boring middle-aged people enjoy (and that these movies are adapted from). Noteworthy only for the scenes with Cruise’s maybe-daughter and their dynamic, something that feels like it’s from a different movie altogether but funnily enough is the only stuff that actually works. Not terrible in any way, but this is something for a lazy Sunday afternoon or to have on in the background while you do something more interesting like ironing your clothes or vacuuming dog hair from underneath the sofa.

81. Gods of Egypt – Who would have thought that a silly fantasy movie about ancient Egyptian deities would be such a beacon for controversy the way it was prior to release? (The controversy was swiftly forgotten about, as it usually happens). Don’t get me wrong, whitewashing is certainly an issue in Hollywood, but in a film where 10-foot-tall, golden-blooded gods rule over a flat Earth consisting entirely of Egypt while Ra, the God of the Sun, rides around in a magic spaceship taking potshots at a giant space worm all day, complaining about historical inaccuracy is a bit silly. Regardless of what ancient Egyptians actually looked like, any attempt at historical realism would just be jarring and out-of-place here.

Gerard Butler and Chadwick Boseman hamming it up as the evil Set and smarmy Thoth are fun, as is Geoffrey Rush as Ra. Shame that the rest of the cast is as dull and forgettable as they are. The CGI quality is in the halfway-point between “good” and “Syfy movie-tier”. It’s not exactly convincing, but it’s pretty and colorful enough that you don’t need too much suspension of disbelief. Tonally and stylistically, the movie harkens back to those cheesy low-budget fantasy films from the 80’s (if not in budget and star-power). I particularly love how the human girl love interest is portrayed as an innocent girl-next-door-y type, but her massive, barely-contained rack is prominent in almost every frame she’s on screen.

The only major detrimental flaw (and it’s kind of a big one) is that “Gods of Egypt” feels about 20-30 minutes too long. It just doesn’t have the narrative strength or filmmaking energy to sustain its’ running time. If it was edited down (particularly the parts with the young, discount-Orlando Bloom main human character), it’d be a reasonably fun movie. Still, I appreciated “Gods of Egypt” for its goofily-sincere throwback spirit, and nothing about it was painful to watch. Not god-like, but not god-awful either.

80. High-Rise – It’s difficult for me to review a film like “High-Rise”, because while there’s a great deal I admire about the film, the overall experience just felt hollow and repetitive to me. It’s about a young doctor who moves into a fancy 1970’s London high-rise, a self-sustained building with many luxuries intended to provide equal quality of housing to all its inhabitants, where mounting tensions between tensions between the upper and lower floors eventually give way to literal class warfare (subtle). While the first half of the movie is engaging, as the doctor maneuvers through all the social groups and meets a lot of the residents, the second half where the actual fighting starts lost me pretty quickly. None of the characters behave like normal human beings, which makes it hard to be invested in their conflict. While there’s some maintenance issues and disrespect in the building, it’s not clear why they all descend into savagery so quickly. I guess it’s something we’re just supposed to accept (human nature, man), but I feel like a more prolonged slide into chaos would have helped the movie, especially since the second half is just repetitive “one side does bad shit to the other, while the doctor tries to stay out of it” nonsense.

While I don’t buy any of the characters, the cast is strong and they play these caricatures with great conviction. I actually love the aesthetics of the movie; the set design, lighting, camerawork, etc. all being very striking and creative. Director Ben Wheatley’s talent here is evident, even if I stopped caring about the material after a while. I get that this movie is intended to be satire, so a lot of my complaints about the movie could be something that someone else would enjoy because it was all intentional, man. Maybe you’ll get more out of it than I did, but to me it was just a pretty and well-acted slog.

79. Lion

White saviors

Inspirational piano-heavy music the occasionally remembers to throw in some foreign flavor

A cute kid

A solid performance from a minority actor (Dev Patel)

A former Oscar winner who cries a bunch (Nicole Kidman)

A well-intentioned but kind of condescending depiction of another culture

Over-reliance on fish-out-of-water humor

Really obvious plot beats and recurring elements

An attempt to depict “realism” in poverty but watering it down for a PG-13 rating,

A happy/emotional ending

“Based on a true story”

Ending text that not only says what happened to the real-life figures with photos and video, but also includes a statistic about missing children in India and how this film is helping to fix the problem while a pop song by Sia plays.

I know this was based on a true story, but it’s like the fucking Academy themselves made this movie.

78. Independence Day: Resurgence – Roland Emmerich is like a more boring Michael Bay. Many of his films are little more than special effects showcases, dragged down by stock characters and awful writing. Oftentimes, the stupidity on display in a Roland Emmerich movie goes past the point of fun and becomes downright insulting to the audience. Charitably put, the man’s kind of a hack., but even a broken hack is right twice a career (sort of). The first time was 1996’s “Independence Day”, one of the most famous movies of the 90’s and a fun piece of cheese in its own right. The second time was 2016’s long-awaited (by nobody) “Independence Day: Resurgence”*. I don’t wish to imply that “Revengeance” is high-art or anything, but if you’re in the right frame of mind, it’s a simple and comfortably enjoyable flick.

A big part of that is that it’s never insultingly stupid. It’s not smart or anything, but it goes about its business without giving anyone a headache. The characters aren’t deep, but they’re likable enough for the audience to enjoy following them and for possibly the first time in Emmerich’s career, they’re not irritating. “Revolutions” is sincere in its goal to entertain, and displays enough self-awareness to get the audience to relax, like when Jeff Goldblum cheekily comments “They like to get the landmarks” during the film’s main destruction sequence. There’s also some hilariously goofy dialogue like “The ship will touch down over the Atlantic.” --> “Which part?” --> “ALL of it.” There’s a little bit of Chinese pandering (including that juice-box filled with milk or some shit that I keep seeing in these movies), but not enough to annoy, and weirdly it suits the theme of different nationalities banding together.

The cast is fine, but really nothing special. Goldblum is enjoyable because he seems constantly aware of the kind of schlock he’s in, but “Regurgitation” is sorely missing Will Smith, who is more charismatic than all the new cast members combined. When Bill Pullman is giving the best performance, your film isn’t going to win any acting awards. One other thing that I personally really missed was David Arnold, whose score for the 1996 film is one of my favorite film scores of that decade, and the only time the soundtrack for this one comes alive is when it occasionally reprises his majestic themes.

In summary, if you’re looking for something original or high-brow, look elsewhere, but if you just want to kill a few hours and seeing a diverse** group of attractive, multinational humans band together to fight aliens warms your heart a little bit in these cynical times, then “Independence Day: Redemption” will scratch that particular itch.

* I also admit to enjoying “White House Down”

**by diverse I mean black, white, Chinese, and Jeff Goldblum.

77. X-Men: Apocalypse - There's a bit in "X-Men: Apocalypse" where the younger characters go see "Return of the Jedi" and one of them comments on how the third movie of the trilogy is always the worst.

How prophetic that line turned out to be.

Not that X-Men: Apocalypse is a bad movie, but it’s definitely closer to Brett Ratner’s “X-Men: The Last Stand” than it is to Bryan Singer’s previously strong entries in the franchise. This is definitely one of those “you take the good with the bad” situations. This is a really inconsistent (tonally and otherwise) movie, so instead of writing a repetitive “this is good, but this isn’t” review, I’ll just list off the positives and negatives and leave it up to you to decide if it’s worth watching or not. This will include some spoilers, but you’re not missing much and the canon in these movies is a complete mess anyway. I’ll say that I was entertained, sometimes genuinely and sometimes ironically, for most of the film, so take that how you will.

The Good:

Evan Peters’ Quicksilver, who steals the second X-Men movie in a row

The Quicksilver mansion scene

Nice visuals

Good soundtrack

The early scenes in Poland

The Wolverine cameo

The Bad:

Nightcrawler being wasted despite being one of the best parts of Singer’s “X2”

Jennifer Lawrence is clearly phoning it in

The film does nothing fun with the 1980s setting

Oscar Isaac is wasted on a generic “I’m going to destroy the world and only the strong shall remain” villain.

Storm joins Apocalypse’s gang for like no reason, then switches sides pretty abruptly during the climax

Olivia Munn’s Psylocke has like, one or two lines the whole movie

For the third movie in a row, Magneto becomes the bad guy because he’s Magneto

For the third movie in a row, Professor X gives Magneto the “You don’t have to do this, there is still good in you” speech.

I know it’s the key theme of the franchise, but to hear these characters complain about mutant rights and discrimination is getting tiring after so many movies

It’s two-and-a-half hours long

The Funny:

Nightcrawler’s makeup

Everyone in the movie keeps saying how important Mystique is when this is the most useless and unnecessary her character has ever been.

After killing like, millions of people during the climax, they just let Magneto go, with Professor X telling him “I’ll see you around, old friend”

The characters are 20 years older than they were in “X-Men: First Class”, but all still look like they’re in their 20s or early 30’s.

That scene where Professor X beats up Apocalypse in his mind

Coca-Cola product placement

Magneto destroying Auschwitz

76. The Finest Hours – “The Finest Hours” is a period disaster/rescue drama about a small 1950’s Cape Cod Coast Guard team’s attempts to rescue the crew of an oil tanker after their ship gets Titanic’d by a major storm, and it’s as old-fashioned a movie as it gets, even to a fault. It’s a refreshingly straightforward film. I liked the community/teamwork-focused buildup, as we get to know Chris Pine’s Coast Guardsman, his love interest, and the crew of the ship before the disaster hits. I liked the scenes on the water the most, the experience of them struggling to clear the huge waves during the heavy weather is actually pretty harrowing. I liked the warm tone and the understated heroism.

There’s really not much to this film. I feel like it’s a bit too safe and predictable and not as white-knuckle exciting as I’d hoped. I wasn’t a fan of how the movie kept cutting back to the generic worries of the people on the shore, and the only things in this film thicker than the nostalgia ah the faahkin New England ahhccents. Still, I enjoyed it. It’s not a first-rate vessel, but it stays afloat.

75. Warcraft – I’ll start this by saying that I’m not a Warcraft fan and have never played any of the games. With that out of the way…

"Warcraft" is the nerdiest movie I think I've ever seen. It was so geeky, I felt like watching and enjoying it gave me my virginity back. This movie was made for Warcraft fans and literally nobody else (maybe the Chinese, but they're an easy-to-please bunch).

I actually really admire that. In an age where almost all blockbusters are watered-down, homogenized garbage made by people who seek maximum profit by catering to the largest possible demographic, seeing Universal Pictures take such a risk and sinking $160 million (plus marketing) into a film so niche and nerdy warms my heart. A movie that tries to please everybody pleases nobody in particular, and I'm happy for the Warcraft nerds for having their own cinematic moment.

The movie itself is kind of a mess, however. Even putting aside the stuff you probably need to be a WC fan to understand, the pacing is wonky, the script is weak, most of the human cast is bland, the editing sucks, and it ends very anticlimactically. While Duncan Jones (who is the main reason I saw this movie) pulls off some impressive visuals and great moments, the movie for the most part lacks the epic feel you’d expect in a big-budget fantasy movie. I was able to follow the basic story, but I was definitely lost at times, and remembered like, 3 or 4 of the characters’ names by the time the movie ended.

“Warcraft” certainly has its positives, however. While most of the human cast is underwritten or boring, Travis Fimmel and Ben Foster are both quite good in their roles, easily standing out from their cardboard cut-out castmates. The orcs won the lottery on their actors, all of whom play the orcs with such conviction that they feel more believable than most of their human counterparts. Even the writing was better during the orc scenes, weirdly. Speaking of believable, the special effects on display are fantastic. Between the amazing-looking orcs, the magic effects and the scenery, the CG artists have definitely earned their paychecks on this one. The battle scenes were fun, and (THANK GOD) shot clearly without using shaky-cam or fast editing, those two errant turds on the delicious pie of most action films. It’s also nice to see a movie that seems like it was created out of love and affection by people who actually care for the franchise, and who don’t feel the need to make it ironic or quippy.

While I mentioned that the writing is weak (most characters are frustratingly undeveloped and there are lots of important-sounding proper nouns that left me scratching my head), I see plenty of room for improvement, and with more refinement and focus, I can see a great sequel arising from this. I genuinely hope this franchise continues, because even though it’s not my thing and certainly not without its weaknesses, I enjoyed it for the most part and it feels like such a refreshing medicine to the disease of bland, corporate modern blockbusters that I don’t mind the odd taste or that the spoon is made from frozen fanboy wank.

74. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows – I admit to being one of the few people that liked the Michael Bay-produced 2014 TMNT reboot, so I was also one of the few people looking forward to this year’s generically-subtitled sequel. I’m happy to say that as incremental as it may be, OOTS is a definite improvement. It feels less like the factory-assembled reboot typical of Hollywood attempts to cash in on nostalgic properties, and feels more in line with the original cartoon series. No longer is charisma-vacuum Megan Fox the main character; she is relegated to supporting duties, and the turtles (still enthusiastically played by their mo-cap actors) take center stage. This movie does the typical sequel thing where it includes more villains than the first, but all of them (besides Shredder, who is little more than a cameo) are surprisingly entertaining and never outstay their welcome. Tyler Perry is delightful as a mad scientist, as are the two guys who play man-beasts Bebop and Rocksteady. “Arrow” star Stephen Amell is clearly having a blast as vigilante Casey Jones. The action sequences are creative and fun to watch.

There’s plenty of product placement, but the Turtles have always been whores designed to sell merchandise, so it doesn’t feel out of place. I miss Brian Tyler’s bombastic music from the first film, the score here by Steve Jablonsky being much more generic and forgettable. The few attempts at character development are trite and unnecessary. The writing is still kinda crappy, and there’s a bit too much juvenile humor. I suppose my biggest complaint is that while the filmmaking is competent, it really lacks the sort of energy and inspiration to take it to the next level. Almost all the elements for a genuinely good Turtles movie are here; it just needs someone to put it all together into something that’s more than the sum of its parts, and not the dude who directed “Earth to Echo” (I’d heard of it either).

73. Zootopia ��� Nice animation, great attention to detail and some good visual gags (the population-counter on the rabbit farm, the wolf cop going undercover, etc.). Highlight of the film was the opening school-play scene. Nice message for the kids about how prejudices can lead even the most well-intentioned of people astray. Plot goes through the familiar beats of a Disney film, except for a pretty retarded third-act heel turn that I won’t spoil, but it would make more sense and have more story impact if the character didn’t feel so minor, and if it wasn’t so last-minute in the movie. “Frozen” was dull as shit, but at least the scene where HANS BETRAYS ANNA (spoiler warning) was pretty hilarious because of how well-timed and out of nowhere it was. The “grown-up” references (Godfather, Breaking Bad, etc.) feel pretty forced, mainly due to them just being references and not actual jokes. Overall, it’s a decent, well-made, and occasionally funny film (“I mean, I am just a dumb bunny, but we are good at multiplying”), but the overly-formulaic and predictable plot signifies that Disney’s lack of creative ambition is still there. Also, the sloth scene might have been funny if I hadn’t already seen it in the trailer. It’s definitely not one of those scenes that’s funny more than once.

Recommended for kids, furries, and those who love animal puns.

72. Hush – A deaf-mute writer is terrorized in her home by a psychopath intent on killing her. A nice premise with a refreshing twist on the tired home invasion genre, and the movie is a brisk 81 minutes. However, I feel like it should have been shorter, and it was only so long because the villain was so unbelievably stupid. At multiple points he could have entered her home and killed her pretty easily, but the plot dictates that she needs to think of ways to survive and outsmart him, so he’s just written as a crazy and evil idiot who wants to toy with his prey. I imagine most people would be fine with it, but his behavior became more annoying than scary after a while.

Making the film watchable is the solid directing and cinematography, along with writer/star Kate Siegel who makes for a very sympathetic and likable protagonist. We both wince and feel for her character when she gets hurt, as she sobs quietly but can’t audibly cry. Her performance is so convincing that I was genuinely surprised to find out that she’s not actually deaf in real life. The movie is decent and worth watching if you like horror-thrillers, and it shows than Blumhouse can still produce the occasional, not-garbage horror film.

71. War Dogs - I wasn’t a fan of the “Hangover” trilogy, even if the third entry was an admirably bold middle-finger to all of its established fans, but I saw talent in Todd Phillips’ direction which made me somewhat look forward to his next endeavor. Based on a true story, Miles Teller and Jonah Hill play two 20-something Miami dudes who get into the world of gun-running and happen upon a major but shady deal with the U.S. government. Basically, “Lord of War” for the new generation. However, where “Lord of War” was, despite its’ wry sense of humor, a pretty dramatic and searing look at the arms trade and the U.S. government’s involvement with it. “War Dogs”, meanwhile, feels more like a lightweight “Wolf of Wall Street”-esque rise-and-fall story of two friends and businessmen that, despite the constant references to the Bush administration, feels like only a passing criticism of the government. The key problem with the movie is how been-there-done-that it is. Even if you know nothing about the real-world story that inspired it, all the dramatic beats and character progressions are thoroughly predictable, and watching it I felt like I’ve seen this movie a hundred times already. It even opens with a variation of that freeze-frame “You’re probably wondering how I got in this situation” cliché. It’s not bad. It’s solid in pretty much every aspect. The directing by Phillips (I like a visual gag where a character sees approaching Iraqi insurgents in his truck’s side mirror, then the camera pans down to “Objects in mirror are closer than they appear”), the writing, the acting (with a noteworthy turn by Jonah Hill). It’s all fine. But the movie’s crippling lack of ambition means that by the end of the year, it’ll probably be completely forgotten about. I’m writing this review two days after having seen it and I’m genuinely having trouble remembering things about it. To put it in a hack-y movie critic kind of way; “War Dogs” is a gun that doesn’t malfunction, but never hits the bulls-eye either.

70. Jason Bourne – If the Bourne films popularized the “gritty espionage thriller” genre, 2016’s “Jason Bourne” feels like a generic knockoff made while the trend was hot, except it’s several years later and no one really cares. Still, I was looking forward to the film, because there are so few good action movies coming out these days and Paul Greengrass is at least a pretty strong director. I will always slightly resent Greengrass for popularizing the shaky-cam, fast-editing style of action filmmaking, but I admit he does it better than pretty much everyone, and it actually suits Bourne’s gritty, improvisational nature. There’s an early chase set during a riot in Athens and a climactic chase in Las Vegas that feel as urgent and intense as any action scenes I’ve seen in a while. Still, you wish the guy would invest in a tripod or something. It’s nice that Greengrass doesn’t discriminate, but exclusively hiring camera operators with Parkinson’s does make the end product a bit hard to follow, visually.

The plot is some hokum about the CIA trying to knock off a billionaire social media tech guru because he won’t let them use his product to spy on everyone, and somehow Jason Bourne is brought out of exile/retirement because of EVEN MORE buried secrets about his past. It’s pretty generic stuff that tries to be timely but comes across as trying too hard. Damon’s a compelling lead, and he’s given a decent villainous counterpart in Vincent Cassel, but it’s hard to be involved in the material. I was also disappointed by the lack of character development for Julia Stiles’ returning Nicky Parsons. Some insight into why she came out of hiding to give Bourne information would have been nice. The rest of the cast is unmemorable; Tommy Lee Jones in particular looks like he’s counting down the seconds until he stops shooting and can cash in his check.

You can tell that this is a tacked-on cash-grab sequel. They couldn’t even bother thinking of a proper Bourne title (The Bourne Resurgence, maybe?), and while Damon and Greengrass are definitely not half-assing it, you can tell their hearts aren’t really in this. Their workmanlike approach and their undeniable talent, however, does mean that Jason Bourne is an enjoyable thriller, and you’ll at least get a great pair of action scenes out of it. Still, what the hell were they thinking, making a Bourne film without Jeremy Renner?

69. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story - There is perhaps no bigger red flag to me for a major blockbuster movie than hearing about “extensive reshoots”. Putting aside the lessons we’ve learned from “Fantastic 4” and “Suicide Squad”, the main problem with these kinds of reshoots is that it speaks to the studio not having enough confidence in the director’s vision, and more in the opinions of test audiences. I know that reshoots are commonplace in the film industry, but when they announced that “Rogue One” would have several weeks of reshoots that weren’t even headed by director Gareth Edwards, my heart sank a bit.

Now, I don’t mean to compare this to the previously mentioned comic-book dumpster fires, but the fact that “Rogue One” is just “kinda good” makes it pretty disappointing for me. Before some of you nerds ask; no, I didn’t watch this film with the sole purpose of criticizing it and ruining the Star Wars circlejerk. I was really looking forward to it when I heard that Gareth Edwards would direct, because his recent “Godzilla” reboot was fucking awesome and easily one of the best blockbusters of recent years, and I had hoped that “Rogue One” would mark an effort in taking this unkillable franchise to bold, new directions. It’s not like doing so would even be considered risky; “Star Wars” fans would literally pay money to eat dogshit if they were told it’d be canon or if the actor who played Wedge Antilles told them to do it.

But there’s the problem. Despite some differences in approach to the main saga, “Rogue One” is as safe as they come. Sure, there’s no opening crawl and the visuals are grittier than usual, but in terms of dialogue, storytelling, style of music, etc., it’s still very much a Star Wars movie. I do like how the movie takes itself fairly seriously and is bereft of the typical cringe-worthy Disneyquips©, but it kind of lacks the passion and inspiration that made so many people fall in love with the original trilogy.

Michael Giacchino’s score does the job, but isn’t all that memorable. He happily mimics John Williams’ style, but doesn’t display the sense of flair or majesty that made Williams’ music for this series so famous. It’s a shame we’ll never get to hear original composer Alexandre Desplat’s work for this film (he couldn’t do the score due to rescheduling around the reshoots).

The cast is a major case of “talented actors let down by a weak script and thin characters”. Try doing the Plinkett thing and describe the characters’ personalities, without talking about their role in the plot or their motivations, and ask yourself if any of them sound interesting. The main character Jyn Erso is especially disappointing, since what initially seems like a personal quest to find her father turns into her just selflessly becoming a noble rebel hero. There’s kind of an arc, sure, but it’s seriously missing any real drama to make the arc meaningful. This is especially bad during the slow and plodding first two acts of the film, which are rather unengaging and even boring at times.

The only somewhat amusing characters are the droid K-2SO (Alan Tudyk), the blind kung-fu former Jedi (Donnie Yen), and the Death Star director (Ben Mendelsohn). The droid is pretty much the only source of humor in the film, and he feels welcome because he doesn’t feel over-the-top (he’s a kind of cross between C3PO and HK-47). Donnie Yen is an insanely charismatic actor, and he makes his character interesting enough that he can overcome the writing. Ben Mendelsohn makes for an entertaining and slimy villain, but he’s let down by the script and the constraints of the canon more than anyone. Mendelsohn’s naturally villainous performance is wasted due to his character’s frequent emasculation at the hands of old franchise baddies Grand Moff Tarkin and Darth Vader.

And therein lies the crux of the matter, both that of the film and of Disney; they focus less on building the future or telling new, memorable stories in lieu of milking the past for all it’s worth. This is best exemplified by Disney’s decision to reintroduce a pair of ANH characters using their creepy, uncanny-valley CGI technology and body doubles. They did this in a few Marvel movies to have actors play younger versions of themselves, but here they use it to bring a dead actor (Peter Cushing as Tarkin) back to life, and it’s quite morbid and uncomfortable when you think about it. They literally bought a dead man’s likeness from his estate to milk it for nostalgia bucks. Is that where we are as a society where we’re totally cool with something like this? Wouldn’t it be much more natural (and cheaper) to just recast the old characters? You know, with human beings and whatnot?

Don’t get me wrong. As an action-space-fantasy movie, “Rogue One” works well enough. I mentioned previously that the first two acts are meh, despite some good moments (like the Death Star’s demonstration on a desert city, and the whole opening scene). Most of the movie was characters traveling from one colorless location to the next, getting into a scuffle with the Empire, then escaping. It’s in the third act where the movie really kicks into gear. The stakes are raised, things feel more urgent, and the bland locations are swapped for a beautiful tropical beach setting with an Empire base on it. It’s basically one large action sequence, but it works. Edwards again uses his excellent sense of scale and visual prowess to make the battle feel epic and exciting. As someone who isn’t a big Star Wars fan, it’s easily the best 30-40 minutes in any of the movies for me.

However, while “Rogue One” gives an admirable effort in being its own thing, it can’t help but keep calling back to the original trilogy just to please its established fanbase. I don’t blame all of the film’s flaws on the reshoots. There’s no obvious difference between original and new footage like a crappy wig or awful, forced humor. And who knows, maybe the reshoots actually made the film better. But at the end, “Rogue One” feels like it doesn’t want to be a Star Wars movie but is forced to be one (pun intended) by its strict parents. So often the characters go on about “hope”, as if they are seeking HOPE of a NEW variety. It may be like poetry (it rhymes), but after a point it becomes less poetry and more beating you over the head with a rhyming dictionary. For future installments, let’s cross our fingers for a little less “hope” and a little more “new”.

68. Passengers – Betrays Chris Pratt’s best movie performance to date, an excellent first act, and its own interesting (and pretty disturbing) premise by watering it down with schmaltzy Hollywood romance, unnecessary action, and a cancer-inducing end-credits Imagine Dragons song. I could write an entire essay on why the movie’s specific approach to its story is deeply uncomfortable. I’m also pretty much over Jennifer Lawrence at this point.

67. Three – Intriguing and unique chamber piece, but its comical elements and over-the-top melodrama feel out of place, and the final shootout feels like style just for style’s sake, which makes it oddly boring. Watchable, but a massive step down for Johnnie To after his excellent “Drug War”.

66. Captain Fantastic – Soulful performance from Viggo Mortensen and the occasional touching and insightful moment help buoy this portrayal of family and unconventional parenting whose biggest flaw is having a script and viewpoint that’s too smug and proud of itself for its own good, which makes most of the emotional moments feel cheap and unearned. Wes Anderson could have made a great movie out of this.

65. The Edge of Seventeen – Overcomes (just barely) the unlikability of its main character, the annoying way characters always describe what they’re going through, and its own sheer predictability with good performances, the occasional funny line and a fairly honest and empathetic look at growing up. I’d respect it more if it had the balls to have an unhappy ending. Woody Harrelson gives probably my favorite portrayal of a teacher in a movie.

64. Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice – Oh, boy, here we go. For the record, this review is of the extended cut of the film.

I firmly believe that you can make or break a movie in editing. No matter how good the writing, acting, directing, and cinematography are, if a film is poorly edited, it becomes confusing at best, and a complete chore to watch at worst. Such was the case with the theatrical cut of the highly-anticipated (not by me, of course) “Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice”, a film that despite being two-and-a-half hours long, felt like a rushed and confusing mess. I’m not saying that the extended cut is some sort of masterpiece, but this 3-hour version is what Zack Snyder intended the finished product to be before Warner Bros. got their stupid fucking fingers on it. Characters are given more scenes to be fleshed out, subplots are better developed, and the pacing is significantly improved, amounting to a much more coherent and downright better film. If you saw the theatrical version and are really on the fence about the film, I recommend watching the extended cut.

The movie itself is still fundamentally flawed in some aspects. It’s still a film constrained by the pressure to set up an entire cinematic universe, which makes the story itself suffer. It probably should have been solely about the personal grudge between Batman and Superman and the consequences it takes on both of them, and them eventually teaming up together when they realize they’re not so different and both want the same thing. The actual movie tries to do that, have Lex Luthor try to destroy both of them, introduce Wonder Woman, set up Wonder Woman’s origin story, set-up three other Justice League members’ origin stories, set up the Justice League movie itself, have an investigative Lois Lane subplot, hint at a future bad guy, and create a giant Frankenstein monster for the third act, among other things. The movie does keep most of these plates spinning, but some of them do fall. It’s an ambitious undertaking, but we’re still left with expensive broken china.

The writing is pretty hackneyed, too. If you can explain Lex Luthor’s motivation for hating Superman to me without citing a comic book or saying “it’s just what he does”, please do. They hint at some biblical reason for it (the Christ allegories and symbolism are even less subtle here as they were in “Man of Steel”, to give you an idea), but it came across as Lex hating him for no particular reason and trying to quote scripture to justify it. There are like three extended dream sequences in the movie, which feels like two too many. And then there’s that awful flow-breaking scene where they set-up The Flash, Cyborg, and Aquaman. I’m reminded of an anecdote where during the making of “Man of Steel”, Zack Snyder wanted to include an after-credits scene but producer Christopher Nolan opposed, telling him “A real movie wouldn’t do that.” This story is probably bullshit, but I think it’s funny that Snyder made an after-credits scene and just crowbarred it into the middle of the movie.

“Batman v. Superman” attempts (and actually succeeds for a while) to really create a sense of consequence in a comic book movie, with the whole world, particularly Batman, being concerned about Superman’s presence on Earth after the destruction caused in “Man of Steel”. But it’s all kind of thrown out the window when that conflict is immediately dropped after the “MARTHA” scene so they could team up to fight the aforementioned Frankenstein monster. The “MARTHA” scene has become kind of infamous, but I was actually fine with it (even if it could have been better written) until Batman says “Don’t worry. Martha’s not dying tonight”, which got a good howl out of me. It was at the very least an interesting movie until it became the typical third-act destruction fest that has characterized so many superhero flicks, with even a few tonally jarring quips thrown in for good measure. The actual fight between Batman and Superman only lasts for like 5 minutes, despite so much buildup. While fun, it feels really schlocky, especially when Batman rips a sink out of a bathroom wall and starts beating Superman over the head with it. Why they started fighting in the first place instead of talking it out like Superman originally intended is beyond me, as well. Zack Snyder’s penchant for outstanding visuals is never in question (he does handheld camerawork better than pretty much anyone) but his grasp on storytelling has always been a bit iffy, even if this is arguably his best work.

If you’re a comic book fan and weren’t a fan of the characterization in this film, the extended cut won’t change your mind on that. Superman is still kind of a dick, Lex Luthor is still a Jolly Rancher-sucking autist, and Batman still kills people. It (mostly) makes sense in the context in the film, and I personally didn’t care too much, but I know some comic book fans who won’t forgive it. Last but not least, I want to mention what is probably the most annoying product placement I’ve seen in a movie this year. It’s not as gratuitous as a TMNT or Transformers flick, but at least those films didn’t take themselves seriously. There is nothing that can ruin a good, serious scene like a really out-of-place product placement. I was enjoying the scene with Clark Kent and Lois Lane in the bathtub until the camera turned to the bottle of Olay and stayed there for like a solid 2 seconds. The scene I was most looking forward to in the movie (the “Man of Steel” destruction of Metropolis as seen through Bruce Wayne’s eyes, which was really well done) was really hurt by the fact that right before the movie started they showed an ad for the Jeep used in the scene, using footage from the movie. There’s also a scene where Lex Luthor tries to force-feed Holly Hunter a Jolly Rancher. I understand that the movie’s titanic budget has to come from somewhere, but it’s shit like this that really pulls me out of the movie.

The cast is strong, particularly Jeremy Irons’ Alfred and Ben Affleck, who exceeds all expectations as Batman, even if he looks a bit silly in the suit. If nothing else, I’m really looking forward to his solo Batfleck film. Gal Gadot is nothing special, but at least she isn’t terrible. Henry Cavill is solid and likable even when the script lets him down, as is Amy Adams (not to politicize things, but I feel like this movie is getting no credit whatsoever for actually having a female love-interest who is like ten years older than her male counterpart, as opposed to the typical older-male-younger-female one). I like how they try to make Laurence Fishburne’s newspaper editor like a reverse J. Jonah Jameson from Spider-Man, constantly telling Clark Kent to report on some local sports team and admonishing him for writing about a vigilante dressed up as a bat beating the shit out of criminals and branding them.

I could go on, but at least BvS feels like an actual movie, instead of the really long trailer that was “Man of Steel”. Its (many) flaws aside, Zack Snyder is to be commended for using such a massive budget to at least try and do something different and ambitious than typical superhero films, and the fact that he succeeds as much as he does despite so many expectations and so much pressure is to be lauded. His cast is good, his action scenes are brutal and weighty (I loved that “Arkham” style warehouse fight between Batman and a group of armed thugs), his heart is in the right place, and he really, honestly dares to be different. If he had a better script and a not-terrible studio to back him up, “Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice” would be appreciated for what it is, and not the kind of movie that inspires actual news articles about RottenTomatoes.

63. Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk – Uneven but occasionally powerful and refreshingly biting look at America’s oft-hypocritical worship of its soldiers and what battle can really do to their psyche, with lead actor and newcomer Joe Alwyn deftly carrying the movie on his shoulders. Let down by a weak script and most of the supporting characters being one-dimensional caricatures, however intentional it may be. The weirdest cast ever assembled for a drama (Garrett Hedlund, Chris Tucker, Steve Martin, Kristen Stewart, and Vin Diesel) works surprisingly well, except for the sadly out-of-place Martin. Didn’t get to see it in the original 4K, 120fps format, but at least I don’t get a headache out of it.

62. Hidden Figures – Typical inspirational historical drama. Sugary and as clichéd as it gets, but solid enough that it works. Elevated by strong performances from the three leading women, made amusing by how every other line spoken by any of them is an Obama-esque crowd-pleasing “Mmhmm” moment, and almost ruined by the presence of Bazinga as a racist, sexist strawman who is just there to be continually outsmarted and embarrassed by the smart, black lady. Probably going to become a staple in high school math/physics classes with lazy teachers. Thumbs up for the Oscar-bait title.

61. 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi – I let out a good chortle when I heard that there would be a movie about the 2012 Benghazi attack starring Jim from “The Office” and directed by none other than Michael Bay, a man whose approach to maturity and good taste generally amounts to a passing laugh and cocaine-sneeze. It was to my pleasant surprise (and admitted slight disappointment) that “13 Hours” turned out to be not only a solid military thriller but also Bay’s most restrained and mature movie. Don’t get me wrong; there’s still plenty of military hardware porn, explosions, and tastefully lit shots of a shirtless John Krasinski (hnnng). However, it also doesn’t include the obnoxious humor and out-of-place product placement that characterize most of his films (although there is a really unnecessary scene in a McDonald’s drive-through), and it actually takes itself fairly seriously, which is surprising coming from the guy who directed a film about two Miami cops who single-handedly invade Cuba.

It presents an account of what happened that night at the U.S. embassy and nearby CIA station as seen through the perspective of the security contractors stationed there, and it avoids politicizing the matter. There’s an annoying CIA chief strawman who refuses to let the contractors go in early to rescue the ambassador, but that’s pretty much the extent of it. The rest is a tense military action film, along with the expected jingoistic hero worship that these types of films have to include by law or something, though thankfully it’s not as bad here. Bay spends a decent amount of time setting up the location, the characters and the situation, before tits go inevitably up. The characters are fairly thin, their non-action scenes amounting to the usual dick-swinging soldier banter and some phone calls to their wholesome, attractive families back home, but the actors are good and convincing enough to make you care about them.

The action scenes are the reasons to see this, characterized by strong sound design and the aforementioned hardware porn that I admittedly enjoy, as well as some great shots, like the slo-motion one of a soldier surrounded by sparks. I also liked the atmosphere of the film, as the contractors slowly move through the ghostly streets of Benghazi, one of them remarking “It’s like we’re in a horror movie”, as some residents nearby are casually watching a soccer match while ignoring the gunfights outside their homes, as if it’s just another weekday evening.

The writing is pretty weak. It gets the needed information across, but the characterization is thin, the dialogue ranges from corny to boring, and there really isn’t enough plot to make this movie as long as it is.

Nontheless, it’s a solid action-thriller. I’ve defended Michael Bay for a long time now (mainly because he made “The Rock”, and I don’t see any other fucking director that made “The Rock”), but between this and 2013’s “Pain & Gain” he shows how much better he can be with smaller budgets and when not constrained by a plot involving giant robots punching each other and making racial wisecracks.

60. Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping – Imagine “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story”, but not as good, and you get a good idea of what “Popstar” is like. The humor was pretty hit-or-miss and definitely favored quantity over quality when it came to the jokes, as can be expected from a movie made by SNL alumni, but it kept me entertained and made me laugh enough to warrant a recommendation. Funniest bits were the TMZ parodies, Justin Timberlake, and the “Equal Rights” music video.

59. Midnight Special – I like Jeff Nichols as a filmmaker. It’s partly because Michael Shannon is in all of his films, and I’ll watch anything that man does at this point, but Nichols has shown himself to be a nuanced and compelling storyteller with an excellent command of both atmosphere and tone. It’s this skilled storytelling and another strong performance from Shannon that make Midnight Special worth watching, even if it’s all in service of a story that becomes pretty dumb by the time we find out what’s going on.

The basic plot is that of a father who runs away from a religious compound with his son and is soon hunted by a number of groups because of some mysterious power that his son possesses. The opening scene where they and a helping friend of the father hurriedly leave a motel room and drive away into the night is excellent and expertly sets up a low-key but involving sci-fi thriller tone. Unfortunately, the more the movie goes on, the more we find out what the son’s powers are and what his “purpose” is, and without spoiling anything, it lost me pretty quickly after the late-second act revelation. The strong cast led by Shannon and Nichols’ direction kept the movie compelling enough to get me to the finish line, but this is definitely a case of a screenplay being too ambitious for its own good.

58. Green Room – Punk rockers vs. neo-Nazis is a premise more fitting of a sillier movie, in my opinion. Writer/director Jeremy Saulnier (who made 2014’s underrated gem “Blue Ruin”) probably knew this, and subverts it by making “Green Room” as grim and unpleasant as he possibly could. Going off of a theme from “Blue Ruin”, the deaths in this movie are often bloody, realistically brutal, and purposely sudden and anticlimactic, simultaneously being a violent movie but also anti-violence. Saulnier’s technical aptitude and the talents of the cast are never in question, and the movie itself is quite gripping and well-paced. I don’t think “Green Room” is as good or thematically rich as “Blue Ruin”, and the ending is a bit of a letdown, but it’s still a well-made and clever genre flick, and if you enjoy feeling like shit and averting your eyes from the screen then it’s the movie for you.

57. Eye in the Sky – A government joint-operation to kill some high-ranking terrorists in Kenya via a drone strike is halted when a little local girl enters the kill-radius. The story is told from the perspective of a ground recon team trying to get her out, the drone pilots, and the military brass and government officials who argue about whether the strike is justified and should be carried out. It has a good setup and a pretty powerful climax, but drags quite a bit in the middle portion where those in charge of the operation keep referring up to their superiors to figure out if they can/should/will fire the missile. The cast, in particular the late, great Alan Rickman as a weary general, are good enough to get you through the duller bits of the movie, and it’s really nice to see Barkhad Abdi in a movie again. While it could have trimmed some of its excess fat, “Eye in the Sky” is a tense, compelling thriller, and a much more mature and responsible examination of the consequences of drone warfare than “London Has Fallen”, albeit much less entertaining.

56. Sully – You’ve got to give Clint Eastwood credit. For a guy in his mid 80’s, he sure is prolific these days, regularly cranking out solid movies every year or two. In retelling the events of the “Miracle on the Hudson” passenger plane water landing from a years beack “Sully” continues that tradition by being good. Not great, but good. Tom Hanks makes for a fine lead, Aaron Eckhart is decent as Hanks’ co-pilot and friend (albeit constantly overshadowed by his own glorious mustache), just about everything else is meh. The highlight of the movie is the water landing itself, shown 3 times at different points from the perspectives of an air traffic controller, the passengers, and finally the cockpit. These scenes are intense and pretty harrowing, dodgy CGI aside. The rest of the movie is either the lead-up to the flight, or the aftermath where Captain Sully deals with the mental trauma from the incident and contends with a federal investigative committee that easily wins the award for “Most Obvious Strawmen of the Year”. Whatever. The film is well-made and compelling enough. As I said before, it’s good. It’s the definition of a 7/10 movie. If you’re old, like the audience during my theater showing was, you’ll probably love it. Everyone else will probably just like it. If you’re expecting something along the lines of Eastwood’s “Unforgiven” or “Letters from Iwo Jima”, you’ll be disappointed, but if you just want a solid, likable movie, this won’t Sully your expectations…I’m sorry for that one.

55. Christine – An amazing, simultaneously magnetic but also hard-to-watch performance by Rebecca Hall as 1970’s reporter Christine Chubbuck, and a very raw portrayal of depression, but ultimately feels pointless as it says nothing about Chubbuck or her mental state, as if the film is keeping her at a distance when it should be holding us down face-first into what she was truly feeling, making the ordeal feel kind of exploitative, when you think about it. If you know her story, the scene you spend the whole movie anticipating is done excellently, however.

54. Certain Women – MINIMALISM. It’s either your type of thing or it isn’t. “Certain Women” is three loosely-connected stories about women who live in Montana, and it’s as grounded and un-flashy as a film can get without being a home movie. It’s one of those films that’s about normal people and their everyday problems, and makes it all seem profound. To me, it worked well for the most part. I was engaged by the nicely composed cinematography and the good performances. The three stories vary in quality. Laura Dern plays a small-town lawyer who gets caught up in a hostage situation, and this is the most straightforward of the three, but also quite engaging. Michelle Williams plays a mother who wants to build her dream home in the woods but faces ambivalence from everyone in her life, and hers is the weakest story, if only because it feels so short and anticlimactic (even by this movie’s standards). 

The third story is surprisingly the best, with a ranch hand played by newcomer Lily Gladstone who forms a bond with a young law school graduate played by Kristen Stewart, and it’s an affecting and nuanced look at loneliness. Kelly Reichardt’s direction is modest and very low-key, but it’s empathetic and creates a good sense of atmosphere. This movie is also slower than watching paint dry at half-speed, lacks any overt drama and is very light on plot, so it’s one of those movies you’ll either completely love or won’t care for at all. I liked it, because I’m an edgy contrarian, and because I like a movie that gives its characters breathing room and trusts the audience to be smart enough to get their own thematic value out of it, so it’s worth your while if you’re not feeling too sleepy. Plus, there’s an adorable corgi in it, so automatic recommendation from me.

53. Manchester by the Sea – Reading the reviews and seeing all the award nominations, you’d think this mostly plotless exploration of grief is the desperately-needed salvation of cinema. When the credits rolled, however, all that hype ended up giving me was a resounding “Wait, that’s it?”.

The film is about a Boston janitor with a tragic past whose brother dies, and he goes back to his coastal New England hometown to handle his brother’s affairs and break the news to his son. As the janitor, Casey Affleck delivers one of the best portrayals of grief I’ve ever seen. Even before you know his story, his eyes and demeanor subtly hide an ocean of pain and heartbreak, and he pulls it off so naturally you often forget you’re watching an actor. Equally as good (and possibly better) is Michelle Williams, who plays his ex-wife. The filmmaking crime of the century is only putting her in the movie for like 5-10 minutes, where focusing more on her and Affleck’s relationship would have made the movie infinitely better, in my opinion. The guy who plays Affleck’s nephew is alright, given that his and Affleck’s relationship is the core of the movie, but nothing to write home about other than one really good breakdown scene. Everyone else ranges from “passable” to “clearly acting for the first time” to “distracting cameo from Matthew Broderick”.

I don’t wish to imply that the movie fails in any major way. I wasn’t a fan of how often the movie tried to be funny (“funny” in that New England way where characters swear a lot), and there is a glaring overuse of music, but it wasn’t a deal-breaker. I suppose that outside of a small handful of powerful scenes and moments, “Manchester by the Sea” felt like it was missing that emotional gut-punch it aimed for. It peaks halfway through in a flashback where we see what made Affleck’s character the way he is, and the movie only comes close to matching it during the last scene between Affleck and Williams. Don’t get me wrong; I understand the intention of making the film understated, so as to show a realistic depiction of grief, where people kind of just continue going about life and trying to not think about it. However, it goes a bit too far in this direction, to the point where I didn’t care for the mundanity of their lives and wanted some crying and goddamn emotion. This may be an over-simplification of how I feel, but basically, the movie is 10/10 when Affleck and Williams are onscreen together, an 8/10 when it’s just Affleck, and a 5/10 or a 6/10 when it’s any other combination of actors.

52. A Bigger Splash – Seems like it’s going to be a mature meditation on romance and desire until Ralph Fiennes shows up 5 minutes in, steals the entire fucking movie away from both the director and the rest of the cast, rubs his dick on the print, then sets it on fire while giggling to himself and dancing around naked. One of the best performances in a career filled with great performances. Movie goes downhill significantly in the last 30 or so minutes.

51. The Love Witch – Clever satire of gender dynamics as seen through the eyes of a love-addicted femme fatale witch. PERFECTLY nails the old-school Technicolor horror/sexploitation vibe. The art design, camerawork, hair/makeup, and even the way the actors behave is spot-on. Bravo to director Anna Biller and all involved as far as the technical aspects go. Story is at first detrimentally slow and the movie is far too long, but it picks up in the second half. Feels a bit too written, as if the characters occasionally stop being themselves and become mouthpieces for the writer/director.

50. Hardcore Henry – Let it not be said that there is no innovative filmmaking these days. Russian musician and music video director Ilya Naishuller was given a few million dollars to make a balls-to-the-wall action film filmed entirely from the first-person perspective of the main character. The most impressive thing about the stupidly-titled “Hardcore Henry” is how much mileage it manages to get out of its first-person gimmick, and how surprisingly well-made it is. Actual stunts are performed, effects are mostly practical (aside from a few bits of awful CGI), and you always feel like you’re in the body of the main character. The action scenes are fun and inventive, there’s a good deal of humor (I liked the bit with the overlapping subtitles), and Sharlto Copley gives a great performance as several incarnations of the same man with different personalities and looks. The plot is completely shit, and gets a bit too bogged down with exposition at times, but it’s never too intrusive. I suppose the biggest concern there is with this movie is if you can handle the filming technique, because the constant movement of the camera, especially during the action scenes, can give you motion sickness. I got a headache and a bit of nausea while watching it, but it could have been from the McDonald’s I had just before seeing it, so I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt. I think that it works much better on a small screen instead of a movie theater either way, and even while on the verge of throwing up, I had a good deal of fun with “Hardcore Henry”. If you’ve ever used a VR headset while on meth, it should give you a good idea of the experience.

49. Hail, Caesar! – The Coen Brothers are my favorite filmmakers. So strong is their output that even their “bad” movies are good movies by any other standard. I don’t wish to imply that “Hail, Caesar!” is one of their “bad” ones, but it’s definitely on the lower end of their spectrum. The promotional material led me to believe that it would be a comic thriller about a 1950’s Hollywood fixer (a “problem solver” for studios) who teams up with a number of colorful showbiz people to rescue a kidnapped leading man. While the basic plot is there, the movie feels more like a leisurely series of vignettes about the colorful characters, loosely-connected by the fixer asking them for their help. It’s all amusing, colorful, and beautifully shot by eternal Oscars bridesmaid Roger Deakins, but it feels like it’s missing any sort of narrative thrust or stakes. The Coens don’t seem to be going for that sort of film, and it feels intentionally meandering and light, so the film is better if you go in expecting it. The writing is entertaining, but while the film is certainly hilarious in parts and never boring, some comedic bits feel stretched out for far too long (such as the scene with the religious leaders), which is unusual for the Coens.

The whole endeavor is less about plot and more about being a fun tribute-by-way-of-pisstake to Old Hollywood. It reminds me a bit of their earlier work “Barton Fink”, albeit broader, sillier, less existential, and much less cynical. We see old-fashioned editing rooms, grand movie sets, a wonderful musical number, Communism, etc. The Coen Brothers made a film that feels nostalgic towards a simpler era of filmmaking, while still acknowledging that even back then they made crap films. The biggest selling point in the movie is its’ all-star cast. I can’t remember the last time a movie had this many big-name actors attached to it. Sadly, due to the light nature of the story, a lot of them feel like glorified cameos, even if there isn’t a weak link among them. George Clooney is in top-form in the role of the kidnapped actor, the type of buffoon the Coens always seem to make him play. Channing Tatum is great as a tap-dancing musical star. Completely stealing the show is up-and-comer Aldren Ehrenreich, who plays a dopey but sweet cowboy actor, and who is so naturally funny, likable and charismatic here that I don’t have a single doubt about him becoming huge in the near future.

It just goes to show that even a lesser Coen Bros. film is still vastly better than the best work by most directors. While slow and kind of pointless overall, “Hail, Caesar!” is still a funny, gorgeous, and charming homage to the Hollywood Golden Age, one that rewards attention and repeated viewings, and welcomes them as well.

48. Finding Dory – Not on par with “WALL-E” or “Up”, but entertaining and nicely emotional. Feels like a welcome return to form for Pixar after so many years of disappointments. Bonus points for being the good kind of sequel, one that not only works on its own but actually adds new dimension to the original. Kind of disappointing, because before seeing the movie I was all ready to say “Finding Dory? More like FOUND IT BORING”. Nice message about family and taking care of a family member with special needs. Looking forward to “Finding Marlin”, where we see Marlin as an alcoholic going through a midlife crisis as he tries to singlehandedly raise a crippled son and his mentally handicapped friend.

47. Deadpool – One of my biggest pet peeves in movies is characters breaking the fourth-wall. I don’t mind a film being cheeky, but a movie occasionally pausing itself to acknowledge that it’s a movie annoys me to no end. I say this because “Deadpool” actually does fourth-wall breaking right, making it a key part of the humor and tone and story rather than an occasional “look at how clever and ironic we are” moment.

One would think because of this that “Deadpool” is just an endless series of self-referential jokes. It mostly is, but thankfully there’s an actual story, a bicycle for all the colorful tassels to hang on. Don’t get me wrong; the story is generic as hell. It’s still your typical superhero origin story, albeit one helped greatly by the nonlinear structure, alluding to Deadpool as an unreliable narrator. Also helping is a surprisingly engaging romance aspect, thanks to Ryan Reynolds’ and Morena Baccarin’s great chemistry and that the romance is a key part of the main character’s motivations (and that the girl feels like an actual character, not just a crowbarred-in love interest like almost every other comic book movie). One of the best scenes in the film is a montage of them “celebrating” various holidays.

Reynolds is perfectly cast as Wade Wilson, a role that his whole career since “Van Wilder” has been building towards. He effortlessly captures the character’s smarminess and gallows humor, but also makes him just likable enough to root for. Baccarin shows enough personality and comic timing that I certainly won’t mind seeing her having a bigger role in the sequel. The action sequences are the highlights. Tim Miller (in his directing debut) shows a clear aptitude for this, making the fight scenes bloody, funny, and visually creative, doing more with $60 million than most directors can do with $200 million.

Your enjoyment of “Deadpool” will come from whether you like its sense of humor. Given the sheer amount of jokes the film flings at the wall, a number of them are going to fall flat. However, to me a lot of them did land, and the movie is quite funny despite being a bit too in love with itself, and any comedy film that doesn’t give away its best jokes in the trailer (especially with a marketing campaign like this film had) is worthy of a recommendation in my eyes.

46. Blood Father – This is the best Liam Neeson movie that Liam Neeson never made. The action is tense and hard-hitting, the cast is good, and the movie is a very lean and efficient 88 minutes. However, there’s some distractingly bad editing at times, the plot is typical Liam Neeson fare (daughter is in trouble with criminals and seeks out her estranged ex-con dad to help out) and the dialogue is pretty wonky and overly reliant on swearing. Also, the girl is fairly annoying, but I suppose it suits her character so I won’t judge her too much for it. What makes the movie work is Mel Gibson’s performance. Looking increasingly like a shredded, captivity-era Saddam Hussein, Gibson is a volcano almost constantly on the verge of eruption. He plays a pissed-off man better than anyone, but he also showcases a good deal of humor and heart, able to convey more with his demeanor than most actors can with an entire monologue. Plus, watching him bite a guy’s ear off before head-butting him repeatedly is great fun. While Gibson is definitely better than the film’s B-movie material, he sells the hell out of it, elevating everything around him and making up for a lot of the movie’s flaws (you get the feeling it’d be much better if he directed it, as well). “Blood Father” is not quite the Mel Gibson renaissance-marking comeback I keep hoping for, but it’s good enough to recommend. Here’s hoping we don’t have to wait another few years to be reminded how great of an actor he is. Can’t quell the Mel.

45. The Brothers Grimsby (AKA Grimsby) - It’s been a while since we’ve gotten a comedy from Sacha Baron Cohen. His stuff other than “Borat” has gotten a mixed reception, but I’ve always felt that that as a comic he has excellent timing and creativity, and even when not doing his famous “interacting with real people while in character” routine, the guy knows how to put together a joke. In a comedy world filled increasingly with endless cameos and cringe-worthy improv humor, it’s relieving to see a comedian that can still write a solid gag and perform it well.

Cohen plays Nobby, a trashy but kind-hearted English football hooligan who lives in Grimsby, a town so squalid that on a sign it says that its sister city is Chernobyl. He’s spent decades searching for his long-lost younger brother Sebastian (played by Mark Strong), and upon finally finding him he discovers that Sebastian is a highly-trained secret agent who is involved in stopping an elaborate terror attack. Naturally, shenanigans ensue which results in the two brothers teaming together to save the world. The plot is basically “What if James Bond had a fuckup brother?”

Some of the humor is as gross-out as it can get, getting plenty of use out of genitals and bodily fluids (there’s one sequence involving elephants that I don’t think I’ll ever forget). Quite a bit of the humor is based around English class differences, which may go over the head of American audiences, but I quite enjoyed. And some is just tastelessness and over-the-top comedic violence. Sometimes it doesn’t work, but I found myself surprised at how much did. There’s a good deal of set-ups and payoffs to the jokes, which I found refreshing, like someone actually spent time to craft the comedy in this film. I’ll say that I laughed pretty often, and I was never less than amused. Strong and Cohen have excellent chemistry together, and the film is at its best when it focuses on the two and their exchanges, with Strong proving to be an excellent straight-man to Cohen’s ridiculousness. It even has a nice little subplot about the two brothers bonding and coming to terms with why they were initially separated that even pays off during the climax.

The movie is a little over 80-minutes and moves at such a fast pace that even if a certain gag doesn’t work, it quickly moves past it. The trade-off to this is that when a gag does work, it’s not given much time to play out. I full-heartedly believe that brevity is the soul of wit, and it’s not a huge issue, but I do wish some of the jokes had a bit of breathing space. Probably the movie’s biggest sin is completely wasting its supporting cast. Penelope Cruz, Isla Fisher, Rebel Wilson, and Ian McShane all feel like bit players who are there just for plot purposes. Maybe that was intentional, to play the film like a straight-faced James Bond film with Cohen there to single-handedly derail it, but why cast talented, well-known actors in such useless bit parts?

I still recommend the film for being genuinely, unapologetically funny, and while a lot of its jokes are in bad taste, they never feel mean-spirited or overly edgy. They come from Cohen’s desire to shock you into laughing, but it feels self-aware and innocent enough that you’re more amused and bewildered rather than offended. Still, if gags about AIDS, incest, bestiality, casual gun violence, lower-class scum, and things being shoved into asses don’t sit well with you, then “The Brothers Grimsby” is not the bland, PG-13, all-inclusive safe-space you want, you precious snowflake.

44. Operation Avalanche – Starts off slowly and ploddingly but before long, it overcomes its’ potentially-gimmicky premise and occasionally unconvincing façade to become a surprisingly engaging and creative foray into “historical” found-footage bolstered by writer/director/star Matt Johnson’s deft storytelling and clear passion for filmmaking, with an unexpectedly excellent car chase to boot.

43. Loving – Jeff Nichols’ “Loving” is an account of Richard and Mildred Loving, an interracial couple who were arrested and then exiled for being married in 1950’s Virginia, and whose case to return home eventually went all the way to the Supreme Court. Given the material and the convenient title, you’d think this was blatant Oscar-bait all the way through, but for the most part it’s not. Jeff Nichols’ empathetic direction and the strong, restrained performances by Joel Edgerton and Ruth Negga as the two leads make this film feel human instead of exploitative. Nichols makes an interesting choice to keep the movie very personal and focused on the couple, with the broader Civil Rights Movement only briefly mentioned. I actually liked this approach as it makes you feel the pain and struggle and love of the characters first, and then by extension see how damaging prejudices (both institutional and personal) can be to people.

The film doesn’t completely escape Oscar-bait trappings, however. It still has the comedy-actor-playing-a-dramatic-role in the form of Nick Kroll as the ACLU lawyer assigned to the Lovings. He’s not bad or anything, but he feels a bit distracting and the role doesn’t amount to much. The music is fine, but it still has those corny inspirational cues at moments of triumph and perseverance, places where I think silence would have been much more effective. My biggest complaint is that it’s a Jeff Nichols movie and Michael Shannon is only in it for one scene. It's an important and good one, but you really wish he’d be in the movie more or maybe that’s just me because I LOVE MICHAEL SHANNON, HOLY SHIT. I've come to the conclusion that the quality of a Jeff Nichols film is often in direct proportion to how much Michael Shannon is in it (seriously, go see "Take Shelter" if you haven't already).

The best part of “Loving” is the two leads, who share a quiet but powerful chemistry, both of them reserved people whose love for each other you can feel in the littlest gestures and who don’t need any obvious histrionics or even words to show their feelings to the audience. It’s the solid core that makes the movie good, elegantly guided by Jeff Nichols’ confident and mature direction, even if the rest of it isn’t all that remarkable. Not quite a “Loving” for me, but eaily a “Liking”.

42. Deepwater Horizon - I’ve liked Peter Berg as a director ever since his underrated action-comedy “The Rundown”, starring The Rock back when he was still billed as “The Rock”. He shows an aptitude for action, pacing, and getting good performances out of his actors, but lately, he’s had a really bad case of hero worship. This, “Patriot’s Day” and “Lone Survivor” all have a frankly fetishistic view of real-life bravery, all ending in a text commending the bravery of those involved and including the names of victims, etc. This always felt like a cheap trick to me, one meant to elicit tears and nods of approval from middle-aged audience members who don’t go to the movies that often, rather than properly characterize his heroes. He gets around this somewhat by casting good actors who are likable enough that we care for them in spite of the weak writing and schlocky sense of patriotism. It all just feels weirdly exploitative of the real-life tragedies that the films depict.

As for the movie itself, it’s quite good. It starts with the prerequisite buildup on the Deepwater Horizon oil rig, showing negligence on the part of some of the management and the BP executives (read: strawmen), while showing the intelligence on display by the regular, blue-collar engineers and oil rig workers. I don’t deny that things were actually like this (truthfully, I don’t care enough to look it up), but it does feel pretty clichéd in movie form. Then the disaster hits, and there’s a solid 40-or-so minutes of the rig blowing up while the crew scramble to try to contain the situation and evacuate. This part is great. Berg’s technical skill is on full display, helping you follow the characters and what’s going on despite a lot of them speaking in mostly technical terms and the setting feeling like being trapped in a maze that’s on fire. It’s fantastically gripping, edge-of-your-seat stuff, helped by the theater-shaking sound design and convincing visual effects.  The film ends with some tearful family reunions and heart-wrenching breakdowns when the survivors get back home. I’ll say that if I walked out of the film RIGHT after the screen faded to black, I would have a higher opinion about it.

If you like or at least don’t mind the hero-worship stuff, I’ll say that Deepwater Horizon is one of the year’s best-crafted thrillers, a disaster movie where the disaster actually feels scary and real as opposed to the dumb fun of something like “San Andreas”. I’m not against paying respects to the dead or to the bravery involved, but I think it should be done within the context of the film and the script, not forcing the audience to stay an extra five-minutes as some sort of memorial service that we paid money to attend.

41. Rams – This film is about a pair of Icelandic brothers who own neighboring sheep farms. They haven’t spoken to each other for 40 years due to implied but never explicitly-stated petty squabbles and stubborn jealousy, but are forced to work together to save their sheep when their flocks suffer from an outbreak of scrapie, a fatal degenerative disease that affects sheep and goats. This film is very affecting, low-key filmmaking, deftly handling heartbreaking drama, touching bonding, and even some surprisingly funny (albeit-bleak) comedy such as a scene where one character transports another to a hospital. It makes great use of the “show, don’t tell” filmmaking rule. Many scenes have little to no dialogue, but all serve a purpose in terms of plot or characterization or insight. The plot of sheep farmers trying to protect their flock may seem like a hard-to-relate-to storyline, but the film has universal themes of family and loss, and its observant and sympathetic storytelling makes the film accessible to anyone, even if they aren’t familiar with sheep mating procedures.

40. Kubo and the Two Strings - Laika has always been an overlooked animation studio, most known for making the wonderfully creepy “Coraline”, but finding little success in terms of box office even while their films are all quite good. Take “Kubo and the Two Strings”, a flawed but highly original and absolutely stunningly animated film that only managed to make a little over its production budget back, while “Zootopia” made over a billion dollars. Such is life.

The film itself is about a one-eyed boy named Kubo who is hunted by a vengeful demon and must team up with a magical monkey statue and a beetle-man to find some mystical MacGuffins that can help defeat it. It starts out very well, showing the boy’s daily routine of using his magic guitar and origami to tell stories to the local villagers. After shit goes inevitably down, it’s still quite compelling for a while, bringing a melancholy flavor to the boy’s journey and his interaction with his two companions. The problem is that the actual plot is pretty uninteresting, especially after the predictable late second-act plot twist, and while I can appreciate that the conflict resolution in the third act doesn’t just end by one character beating up another, the actual manner in which it’s resolved is pretty dumb.

The reason to see “Kubo and the Two Strings” is its gorgeous stop-motion animation. I had to smack my mouth a few times to remind myself that I wasn’t looking at high-quality CGI. It’s reassuring to learn that Laika is owned by the billionaire former CEO of Nike, so the studio isn’t exactly hurting for cash and can continue to focus on making their original and creative and beautiful movies without needing to dumb them down for most audiences, but it’s still a little depressing when good, accessible films fail to find their audience. While flawed (and nowhere near as good as “Coraline”), “Kubo and the Two Strings” is worth checking out if you love stop-motion animation as much as I do and you’re just waiting for the next Aardman film to come out.

39. April and the Extraordinary World - In an industry almost completely dominated by 3D CGI-animated films, it’s somewhat refreshing to come across a traditionally-animated 2D film. “April and the Extraordinary World” is a French film set in an alternate-history 1940’s where the world’s foremost scientists of the past several decades have gone missing, causing crucial technological innovation to not happen and for the world to continue relying on coal and eventually wood-burning steam power. In a world on the brink of war for resources, April is a young French woman whose parents are two of the missing scientists, and we follow her and her talking cat Darwin as they attempt to solve the mystery behind the disappearances.

I want to start off by mentioning the art style. The characters are the simple but expressive beady-eyed 2D people you’d expect from European animation, but the design of the bleak steampunk world and the technology is amazing. However, and this is what I really like about the film, while it shows how cool-looking steampunk technology can be, it also criticizes it for being completely retarded and impractical and damaging to both the environment and to people, cosplayers be damned (Europe is completely treeless and characters have to wear gas masks if they’re outdoors for too long). The characters (especially the talking cat) are spunky, entertaining, and even have their fair share of depth. The film carries a nice message about using science and optimism instead of violence and negativity to solve the world’s problems. This feels more like the film that “Tomorrowland” should have been, before it got Lindelof’d.

However, it does have kind of the same problem that “Tomorrowland” did, in that the third act gets pretty stupid. It’s certainly not as bad or as nonsensical as it was in that film, and while the plot twist and eventual revelation are actually built towards instead of just dumped on us, it does get rather silly and I sort of lost interest. Without spoiling too much, it does end up relying on that tiresome “in order to save humanity, we have to destroy it” sci-fi cliché that was dumb even back when “The Terminator” did it.

Still, on the whole, I was surprised by how much I liked “April and the Extraordinary World”. While it certainly loses some steam near the end (pun originally unintended), it’s still engaging and surprisingly entertaining enough for the duration of its running time to warrant a recommendation.

Note: If you can, see the French-dubbed version. The English voice actors are good, but the movie and lip-sync feel off by not being in their original language. For the record, this is the only time I’ll ever say that something (other than bread) is improved by being French.

38. Mascots – To me, a mark of a good comedy is if it makes me laugh a lot. By that criteria, Christopher Guest’s latest mockumentary about a professional mascot competition and its participants is a good comedy. There’s not much to say about this film if you’re familiar with Guest’s other improv-heavy comedy films, and structurally it’s very similar to “Best in Show”. It’s not as good as that gem, partly because it feels like a more manufactured scenario, a parody of a part of culture and a competition that doesn’t feel real in the first place (as opposed to the biting satire of the very real world of professional dog-shows), and partly because Fred Willard is only in this for like 5-10 minutes instead of 40-45. Guest regulars Eugene Levy and Catherine O’Hara’s absences are also felt.

Still, what I like about Guest’s style of comedy that I despise about the Judd Apatow/SNL style of improv is the timing. He knows how to edit his jokes and his characters to keep them funny, and he knows when to let a joke go, as opposed to letting it linger and rot. The fact that he doesn’t write screenplays or hold any rehearsals for himself and his cast pretty much means that he films them performing improv and leaves in whatever is funny. Despite the aforementioned absences, the cast here is still great (with standout performances by Parker Posey, Susan Yeagley, and the guy who fucks from “Silicon Valley”), the movie has plenty of laughs and a surprising amount of poignancy and sweetness, and some of the actual mascot routines in the latter half of the movie are both hilarious and even breathtaking, particularly one involving an expressionist modern-dance about feminism and art in an armadillo costume.

37. The Accountant - One of the most entertainingly uneven films I’ve seen in a long time, “The Accountant” tries to be a character study, a corporate thriller, an operator-style action film, a family drama, a quirky comedy, a PSA about autism, and it even flirts with being an odd-couple romance. It never really comes together in the traditional sense, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a blast watching it try.

The plot is about an autistic accountant who in his secret-life uncooks finances for some of the world’s most dangerous people, and how a seemingly simple assignment in auditing a robotics firm becomes dangerous and blah-blah-blah. This movie has far too much plot and little of it is worth caring about. Where it works surprisingly well is in the character study of the main character, Christian Wolff (who sounds like a name belonging to a character in a cheap erotic novel you can find in airport shops). You see his upbringing, the circumstances that led him to his current career, and his routines in trying to deal with life with high-functioning autism. I (cheekily) said from the start that Ben Affleck is perfect casting for an ass-kicking autist but he’s actually, genuinely, unironically good in a committed and fleshed-out performance that wouldn’t feel out of place in a more serious movie about adults with autism.

In trying to do the other aspects, however, the movie kind of falls apart. The first act is a mostly straightforward setup that you could be forgiven for thinking that it won’t even be a thriller. Wolff’s awkward bluntness around neuro-typicals is played for mild chuckles, because of course it is. Only at the end of it do we see that he’s a badass operator once he’s betrayed and people try to kill him. The second act where a government agent played by J.K. Simmons gives us a 10-minute exposition dump is pretty dull. There’s a hint of some romance between Wolff and a young accountant whose life he saved played by Anna Kendrick, but thankfully it’s never fully realized (“Gosh, I find your lack of social development and the way you cleanly killed the men who attacked me soooo sexy.”)

It’s only in the third act where he goes out to get the people who are after him where the movie becomes a wonderful nirvana of schlock, the “John Wick meets Rain Man” asploitation I hoped it would be. I’m not going to spoil too much, but it has the two funniest plot twists of any film this year, a solid 5 minutes where a caretaker at a home for autistic children gives a PSA about caring for people with disabilities, and a hilarious and completely unnecessary villainous monologue for the ages, courtesy of a paycheck-loving John Lithgow. My only complaint at that point were that there were no accounting-related one-liners in the film, including but not limited to:

- I just depreciated YOUR LIFE

- Don't write me off as a loss just yet

- They must be held accountable

- She's becoming a liability

- He's likes torturing people. He's accrual man

- A character named General Ledger

I don’t know. I chose a dull major, alright?

36. Moonlight – Clichéd dialogue and an annoying tendency to skip over some important/interesting events in the main character’s life, but empathetic performances, a great cast, and a good understanding and balance of the movie’s story and its’ theme of identity. I’m a bit of a tough nut to crack, emotionally speaking, so I feel like the subtle approach from this movie didn’t affect me as much as it did the many people who hail this film as the Second Coming of Christ.

35. Kill Zone 2 – Insane, jaw-dropping, balls-to-the-wall fight scenes that are too often hampered or outright interrupted by that silly and intrusive “plot” nonsense that unfortunately characterizes most post-Jackie Hong Kong kung-fu films. Still, any film that has Tony Jaa doing a flying double knee through a bus windshield and into the driver gets a recommendation from me.

34. Anthropoid – “War is not romantic”.

I’ve always held a soft spot for well-made genre films, and “Anthropoid”, a World War II thriller that, despite a title and poster that look like they belong to some sci-fi horror movie, is certainly that. “Anthropoid” is about a historical real-life mission by the Czech Resistance to assassinate a high-ranking Nazi official in occupied Prague. What I like about this movie is how solemn it is. None of the good guys are clear-eyed heroes who live happily ever after. These are anxious, grimly-professional saboteurs. Most of the resistance members question over whether killing one man is worth the possible consequences it would bring to the Czech people, while the two leads soldier on, determined to follow their orders. Cillian Murphy and the guy from “50 Shades of Grey” (Jamie Dornan) make for a likable pair of leads, and the characters feel human instead of movie-ish. Even during their romances with two local Prague women, it feels less like forced Hollywood trite and more like people trying to comfort each other in a hopelessly bleak environment.

The movie starts slow, but builds well to the more thrilling stuff. Interestingly (minor spoiler), the assassination attempt only occurs halfway through the movie, with the second half being the fallout and repercussions. A more generic movie would have ended with the assassination, before including text commending the bravery of the Czech Resistance and how their mission was successful, but “Anthropoid” instead shows and talks about the horrible things the Nazis did in retaliation, including killing thousands of Czech civilians, before showing what happens to the Resistance members involved in the assassination. I won’t ruin it, but the last half-hour of the movie is pretty devastating stuff.

There’s nothing particularly wrong with Anthropoid, as long as you don’t mind the slow build. It doesn’t really strive for greatness or deep meaning in any way. It’s just a well-made, well-acted, tense, bleak, and morally grey look at an important event in World War II and how it (and war in general) affects people. Bonus points for the cast actually making an effort to speak with Czech accents, instead of the usual historical non-British movie done entirely with British accents.

33. The Siege of Jadotville – Hey, speaking of solid genre flicks starring Jamie Dornan! I love a good war film, so when I heard that when Netflix produced one set during the Congo Crisis of the 1960’s, a refreshing change from the usual “popular” wars like WWII, ‘Nam, and Iraq/Afghanistan, my ears perked up. The plot is about an Irish company of UN peacekeepers who are sent to the tiny town of Jadotville in the resource-rich Congo during a period of upheaval and civil war. Murky politics and other UN operations in the area make things worse, and in retaliation the rebel government and French/Belgian mercenaries send a massive force to attack the isolated Irish troops.

There’s about 40 minutes of setup, in which we see the soldiers (led by Dornan), most of them still teenagers, at home before they get shipped off, we get a broad overview of the political climate in the Congo, including the coup leader and the UN representative sent to assist the central government (played by a shitty hairpiece with a Mark Strong attached to it), as well as the situation that led to tits going up for the peacekeepers. The remaining hour of the movie is the titular week-long siege, with the Irish defending a tactically disadvantaged position with limited food, ammo, and water against a very numerically superior enemy.

All of this is very well-crafted, with good pacing and editing, especially during the battle scenes, which are tense, harrowing, and filmed in a way that you actually get a solid idea of the geography of the siege. History, and even the movie at one point, both say that there were 150 UN troops at Jadotville, but it never seems like there's more than a few dozens of them. It's not a huge issue, but a little distracting.

The characters are pretty thin, with only a handful of the soldiers actually having names, and the writing is nothing special. It’s efficient in the sense that it gets the necessary information across and doesn’t intrude on the story, but it does have the usual clichés you see in a war film. The soldiers are portrayed as brave, noble, and heroic, while the UN leaders and generals are shown as callous, selfish, and incompetent. After some reading into the history, I found that this is not untrue, but it still feels like a conventional audience-pleasing dynamic. To the film’s credit however, it does a nice job of showing how morally grey the conflict was, without really claiming moral superiority for either side, but still makes you care for the UN soldiers at the heart of it. Even the trademark ending text is done tastefully and respectfully.

If you want a compelling, well-crafted war film and have a Netflix subscription, then “The Siege of Jadotville” is worth checking out. Between this and “Anthropoid”, Jamie Dornan has proven himself a capable (and wonderfully mustached) leading man, and in my eyes has done a good job getting his reputation back to “respectable” after “Fifty Shades of Grey” and...oh, there's two sequels to it coming out? Well, here's hoping for more good war films from the lad afterwards.

32. Doctor Strange – Same-old shit from Marvel, in terms of writing and story, but at least contains enough beautiful visuals and creativity to take away a good deal of the staleness. Bonus points for having a climax that is the exact opposite of a typical superhero destruction-fest.

31. The Magnificent Seven – At a film festival like TIFF, which is mainly meant for foreign, independent, arthouse films and prestige pictures, “The Magnificent Seven”, a remake of John Sturges’ 1960 original and an unapologetic, old-fashioned Western, stands out. As a genre-film aficionado, that appealed to me enough that I saw this movie even though it would come out in theaters a few weeks later.

And I’m glad I did. “The Magnificent Seven” is just plain, loud, over-the-top fun. If you see the trailer, the movie is exactly what you think it’ll be like. A woman seeks frontier justice against the power-hungry coal baron who terrorizes her town and murdered her husband, and pays a bounty hunter (Denzel Washington, who looks like he was born to play a cowboy in this movie) to go after him. He recruits 6 more outlaws, killers, and warriors to aid him in his quest to protect the honest townsfolk from the evil businessman and his army. Whiskey is drunk, guns are drawn, banter is exchanged, and lots of people get shot and blown up. Antoine Fuqua (an expert in making solid genre flicks) keeps the movie paced well, gives the characters breathing space to flesh out a bit, and makes the action loud, exciting, and well-filmed. No shaky-cam bullshit here, just good, efficient filmmaking with lots of nice Western vistas.

The cast is strong, especially Washington and Chris Pratt (who I worried would be out of place but acquits himself well here), along with solid supporting players. The writing is nothing special, but gets the job done, although there are some unfortunate missed opportunities at character development and payoffs, especially when it comes to Ethan Hawke’s (fabulously named) Goodnight Robicheaux, a former Confederate sharpshooter who hung up his guns. Also, a minor issue, but the film severely overplays how effective a mid-19th century gatling gun is.

There’s nothing altogether remarkable about this remake from a quality standpoint, but in a year filled with failed reboots and sequels and unremarkable superhero films, a good, solid personality-filled Western shoot-em-up about a multicultural team of badasses teaming up against the evil establishment is more than a welcome breath of fresh air.

30. Everybody Wants Some!! - Richard Linklater’s spiritual sequel to “Dazed and Confused” feels very much like a Richard Linklater film. There’s not much plot; it’s just about a college freshman baseball player and his team’s escapades over the weekend before the semester starts in the fall of 1980, as they hang out, go party, try to get laid, and attend their first practice. There’s no real structure to this film. It’s meandering in typical Linklater fashion, where the movie is more about the characters, the setting, and the dialogue. If you don’t mind this sort of thing, “Everybody Wants Some!!” is a very enjoyable movie. The characters and performances are on point, the banter is entertaining, the music is great (used especially well during a scene where the characters drive around town singing “Rapper’s Delight”) and even when Linklater waxes philosophical as he sometimes tends to, it feels less pretentious and more like the characters being themselves. When they talk about life, man, they’re often drunk or high or sleep-deprived, which feels like a nice bit of self-awareness from Linklataer. It even gets a bit inspirational at times, as the themes of finding out your identity and place in life and making the most of your short time on this Earth hits home surprisingly well. Funny, charming, and likable in every way that “Boyhood” wasn’t, “Everybody Wants Some!!” marks a welcome return to form for Richard Linklater, which is amazing considering it didn’t even take TWELVE YEARS to make.

29. Love & Friendship – Not being a big fan of hoity-toity costume dramas and having never read any of Jane Austen’s work, I really didn’t think this Austen adaptation would appeal to me. However, following the initial 10-15 minutes where my brain adjusted to the Regency-era English, I found that I really enjoyed this film. It’s a comedy of manners centered on a widowed socialite (played by the never-better Kate Beckinsale), a cunning and manipulative woman who is well-known as the best flirt in London, and her attempts to get her daughter married to a wealthy suitor as she herself juggles those in her social circles. I found myself loving the barbed interplay between well-written characters. The cast is uniformly excellent, with a strong performance by Beckinsale and a show-stealing turn from Tom Bennett as a wealthy but utterly gormless suitor, the kind of man who keeps talking even when he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and who is completely enchanted by the “tiny green balls” at dinner (peas). The whole movie is kind of plotless, with very little narrative drive and it feels like important character developments are often skimmed over (two characters have a pleasant conversation in one scene and are married like, 5 minutes later). The whole movie feels very light, albeit very watchable. Watch it for the excellent cast, the lovely sets and costumes, and for the genuinely hilarious writing, but don’t expect to be all that invested in what happens. The whole thing feels like a dinner party with much wittier and politer versions of your extended family, albeit just as catty and spiteful.

28. Captain America: Civil War - By now most people have acknowledged the problems with the Marvel Cinematic Universe. While most are solid superhero flicks, they all feel kind of safe and sterile, films marked-tested to appeal to as large an audience as possible. While this leaves less room for error, it also limits how good they can become. If all you want is good actors wearing ridiculous costumes punching each other and destroy expensive CGI environments while mumbling groan-worthy quips, the MCU has got you covered. Those of us who want them to approach something like Raimi’s Spider-Man films or Nolan’s first two Batman films are often left wanting. Sometimes it has gotten better than the norm. The first half of “Captain America: The First Avenger” was excellent before it became kind of a rushed mess in the second. Shane Black’s “Iron Man 3” felt like the only genuinely auteur-driven film in the whole MCU (if only because so much of the humor is based on what Black and Downey Jr. accomplished in “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”). “Captain America: The Winter Soldier” is still the high point of the MCU, a terrific and surprisingly character-driven action thriller that barely felt like a superhero flick. The point I’m laboriously trying to get to is that while “Civil War” for the most part takes itself seriously and actually approaches “Winter Soldier” levels of greatness, it can’t help but fall back on the lame, quippy, fanboy-masturbating sameness that has defined this cinematic universe since Joss Whedon first got involved with the franchise.

The plot is that a mysterious man frames Captain America’s friend Bucky for a terrorist attack, while Tony Stark feels guilty about collateral damage caused by the Avengers’ various battles and wants to sign some UN accord to make the Avengers government regulated, and tries to hunt Cap down when he goes rogue to try and protect Bucky. It’s pretty convoluted stuff if you’re not already caught up on the franchise, but not too difficult to follow. My main concern going into this film was that it’d be more of an “Avengers” film than a “Captain America” film. Cap’s films have a good track record, while the two Avengers movies are kinda crap. Thankfully, the heavy focus is on Cap and his efforts to protect Bucky from an increasingly hostile and angry Tony Stark. Despite what the marketing tries to say, the whole UN accord business feels minor at best, only there for a #WhoseSideAreYouOn hashtag to appease the autists who want their precious comic-book to be faithfully adapted. The story is surprisingly engaging, and while the aforementioned mysterious man is the real villain and does an effective job, the role of antagonist is actually filled really well by Iron Man. The characters are given enough room that pretty much everyone in the ensemble gets a moment to shine, the pacing is good, and (despite the Russo Brothers’ annoying use of shaky-cam and fast editing) the action scenes are solid and actually serve a purpose. It was almost a great “Captain America” film. And then Spider-Man shows up.

Spider-Man was added to this film halfway through filming due to Marvel striking a deal with Sony Pictures for the rights to the character, and his crowbarring into the movie is really obvious. There’s a whole half-hour of the movie that he’s in, where from introduction to the big punch-up at the airport to his exit, it feels like a completely different film, filled with the aforementioned light-hearted quippy humor that pretty much completely dissolves all tension, momentum, and conflict that movie had done a pretty good job building up to that point. It’s not bad in and of itself, but it feels like it suddenly became an “Avengers” movie, a big-budget re-enactment of a 10-year-old boy playing with his action figures. The only reason I don’t despise this part of the movie is because it at least has a few genuinely funny moments (most of them courtesy of Paul Rudd’s Ant-Man). The film recovers fairly well from this, and actually serves up a strong and pretty emotional climax that isn’t just wanton CGI destruction, but it still left a bad taste in my mouth, like I was bukkake’d by neo-nerd hipsters while sleeping and managed to clean myself off but the stains on my soul remained.

Look, I’ve said a bunch of negative (and some disgusting) things about this movie and the MCU in general, but “Civil War” is overall a good movie. The character work is strong, it’s occasionally funny, the cast is mostly terrific, and it’s definitely in the upper-echelon of this franchise. But the things that hold this series back (the sameness, the dull visuals, the lack of stakes, circlejerking, etc.) hold this movie back as well. Who knows? Once they’re done with this phase of the MCU, they can actually start to experiment and not just make the same kind of movie over and over, because let’s face it; people will come see these anyway. Hell, give me a She-Hulk movie directed by David Lynch, or a blaxploitation-style origin story about Nick Fury starring Michael Jai White, or a musical romantic-comedy about Squirrel Girl directed by George Miller. I don’t know. I’d rather see any of those than ANOTHER GODDAMN SPIDER-MAN REBOOT.

27. Train to Busan – Pretty much what you’d expect, plot and character-wise, from a zombie movie, but damned if South Korea doesn’t possess some of the finest film directors in the world, and Yeon Sang-Ho brings his A-game to revitalize an appropriately undead genre. Great cast, intense and creative set-pieces, and a nicely emotional focus on character. I’m not Korean, so I’m not sure if there’s any satire or message involved (the film does seem like a pretty accurate depiction of South Korea when StarCraft II servers go down). Somewhat dragged down by iffy CGI and the hair-pulling stupidity and dickheadedness of main human antagonist, who makes “The Walking Dead” Season 2-era Shane seem like a rational and believable fellow.

26. Fences – Little more than a filmed play, but a well-filmed one bolstered by good writing and knockout performances from Denzel Washington and Viola Davis. About 20 minutes too long.

25. Arrival - Canadian director Denis Villeneuve has been making quite the reputation for himself in recent years for his mature and well-crafted thrillers. While I find his movies just a touch overrated, I do admire a lot in them, from the technical craft to his ability to command strong performances out of all of his actors. This year’s “Arrival” continues that trend, marking his most mature film to date and one of the extremely rare mainstream hard science-fiction movies to come out these days. This is not a movie about laser battles and space explosions and sticking your tongue down the throats of hot human-looking alien babes (I’m excited for “Mass Effect: Andromeda”, alright?), but about communication.

Several banana-shaped alien spacecraft touch down at random points around the earth without any apparent motive or pattern, and countries around the globe bring experts together to try and communicate with them. The plot centers around linguistics professor Amy Adams, who is brought in by the military along with a physicist played by Jeremy Renner to head into the alien craft in America to try and set up communications with the aliens. It’s a neat perspective to see one of these alien contact movies from someone trying to understand them rather than fight them, and Amy Adams turns in another strong performance as a woman who is experiencing a personal crisis while being at the very center of a worldwide phenomenon. The rest of the cast is good too, but this is her movie to command, and she does so with ease.

While Villeneuve no longer has Roger Deakins as director of photography to rely on, he and his new DP Bradford Young make this a very strikingly beautiful movie, filled with bleak subdued colors but with an astonishing sense of scale. The scene where Amy Adams enters the alien craft for the first time is outstanding, with the camera work, lighting, and environment doing a genuinely amazing job conveying how…well, alien the ship feels. I also like the design of the aliens themselves (a sort-of cross between the facehuggers from “Alien” and the Reapers from “Mass Effect”), a refreshing change from the humanoid aliens you typically see in sci-fi.

The plot is surprisingly brainy, primarily concerned with the process of establishing of communication and later a very different perception of time and choice from how we typically perceive them. It’s not too difficult to wrap your head around this stuff, but you do have to pay attention, because this isn’t a movie that dumbs itself down or holds your hand.

As much as I admire and enjoyed the movie, I do have a criticism, and it’s that the whole thing feels…cold. I don’t just mean the color palette or the really strong air conditioning in the theater where I watched it. I mean emotionally cold. I’ve heard a lot of people praise how emotional the film is, but it didn’t really affect me all that much. Even the scenes with Amy Adams and her daughter, no matter how Malick-y they’re shot, felt mostly like salad dressing to try and make the audience connect with the main character. Even when you (no-spoiler) find out the plot significance of these scenes, I liked it much more on an intellectual level than on a gut-level. Also, and this part is hard to explain without spoilers, but there’s a love story that’s pretty crucial to the theoretical concepts later in the film that feels comically underdeveloped, like we’re supposed to believe these people fall in love despite working with each other for a few days and rarely talking about anything other than work (and because they’re attractive movie stars, of course). Plus, there are quite a few annoyingly clichéd characters, like the fear-mongering radio talk show host, the weary and no-nonsense military man, and a Chinese officer named General Shang who apparently rules the entire country of China without answering to anybody.

Despite these niggles, I still liked “Arrival” a lot. It attempts (and in my mind strongly succeeds) to present a realistic scenario of what alien contact would be like in today’s political and cultural climate, and again, it’s really refreshing to see a science-fiction film where science, communication and peace are used for conflict resolution as opposed to violence. It’s really ambitious on both a thematic level and a technical one (the special effects in this movie are some of the most seamless and believable I’ve ever seen), and even the problems I have with the writing don’t distract from Denis Villeneuve’s directorial talent. Here’s hoping he doesn’t screw up the new “Blade Runner”.

24. Shin Godzilla – Lacks the awe-inspiring visuals and sense of scale of Gareth Edwards’ “Godzilla” (which I forgive because this had like 1/10th the budget), but makes up for it with a richer story and sense of humanity. Whereas that film is about our powerlessness at the hands of giant monsters, this one is more about working together to overcome it. What begins as a bureaucratic farce eventually gives way to the Japanese government putting aside any squabbles and politics to focus on saving the lives of its citizens from a giant, rampaging lizard. It’s kind of inspiring to see a movie like this where a government tries to prevent destruction instead of causing it (with a not-so-subtle pisstake of the Americans, whose contribution to the efforts amounts to little more than bombing and almost nuking Tokyo). Plus, Godzilla himself is awesome here, looking and acting like a genuine monster, and pulled off with a nice mix of practical and digital effects (other than his initial form where he looks like a retarded CGI iguana with googly eyes). Kickass soundtrack, as well.

23. War on Everyone – “I’ve always wondered; if you hit a mime (with a car), does he make a sound?” Michael Peña’s character wonders out loud at the start of the movie, right before he and his partner (and driver) find out. Within one minute of the movie, you already know if it’s for you or not. “War on Everyone” is about two cops (Peña and Alexander Skarsgård) who are as corrupt as they come. They regularly blackmail and beat up suspects, take bribes, and drink on the job. They never really try to justify this behavior. Their attitude can be best summed up by a line Skarsgård says before getting into the driver’s seat of a car while piss-drunk; “Let’s go fuck some scumbags.” There’s some plot about their investigation into a robbery/murder orchestrated by the guy from those shitty “Divergent” movies who looks like discount-Toby Kebbell, but the plot feels like an afterthought. It’s more so about the two characters and their antics and their musings on life, greatly enlivened by the excellent performances and chemistry of the two leads, as well as the cracking, pitch-black funny script from writer/director John Michael McDonagh (who also made the fantastic Irish gems “Calvary” and “The Guard”). This feels like if McDonagh made a Shane Black film. It’s not a powerful meditation on faith and morality like “Calvary” and it’s not a great character-study like “The Guard”, but “War on Everyone” shows that even a lower-tier McDonagh film is still as hilarious and biting as they come, and it even comes with a bit of heart and soul. Still, definitely not recommended to the easily-offended. It feels kind of pointless, but I could listen to McDonagh characters talk shit to each other all day.

22. 10 Cloverfield Lane - I will try to be as spoiler-free as possible in this review. Honestly, if you STILL haven’t seen it and want to, just go watch it and know that it definitely comes recommended.

I’ll admit it; even though I wasn’t a huge fan of the shaky-cam monster-athon that was “Cloverfield”, the mysterious and vague trailer for “10 Cloverfield Lane” got me properly hyped up as I tried to figure out the connection between the two movies. In an unusual twist, most of the movie is only tangentially a work of science-fiction. The plot is about a young woman named Michelle who runs away from home as some vague disaster occurs. She’s knocked out, and wakes up in an underground survival shelter run by a paranoid survivalist named Howard, along with a young guy named Emmett. Howard says that there has been a massive attack, but Michelle is skeptical and is unsure if Howard is trustworthy or crazy.

The bulk of the film is in the bunker, as the trio try to cope with the various realities of living in a survival shelter, including each other. This entire section is excellent. Deftly alternating between lighthearted bonding, uncomfortable comedy, and pressure-cooker intensity, debut director Dan Trachtenberg shows he is an expert when it comes to tone, pacing, and atmosphere, further enlivened by Bear McCreary’s terrific score. Even better is the main trio of actors, all of whom play off of each other well and really flesh out their characters. The guy who plays Emmett displays a dopey likability that suits the character well, while Mary Elizabeth Winstead makes Michelle much more intelligent, tough and compelling than your average "horror" protagonist (I use that term broadly). Powerfully commanding the whole movie is John Goodman, who easily makes Howard sympathetic at times and genuinely terrifying at others. This is a brilliantly batshit performance by one of our very best character actors, and even if the rest of the production wasn’t up to par (which it definitely is), he alone would make this film worth watching.

The reason this movie isn’t higher on my list is because of the last 10-or-so minutes. Without going into detail (and the trailer gives this away anyway), Michelle leaves the bunker by the end. It’s like the entire film gets wrapped up and ends satisfyingly, but then it goes on for another 10 minutes that feels like a completely different movie with a whiplash-inducing change in tone. It’s all still skillfully made and well-acted, but the effect just feels bizarre if you’re watching it for the first time. At first I thought the sequence was there to connect it to the first “Cloverfield” and make it a semi-sequel, but it’s too vague for me to buy it.

Maybe it is all some continuous “Cloverfield” universe, or better yet, it’s an anthology film series in the vain of “The Twilight Zone” or “Black Mirror”, one where talented up-and-coming directors make unique sci-fi thrillers. If that’s the case, it’s best not to read too much into the ending, and to just try and accept the movie as a standalone despite the jarring tonal shift at the end. One thing I actually quite liked about the ending is that it satisfyingly concludes Michelle’s character arc, making her a surprisingly well-developed protagonist that has actually grown by the end. Maybe if I watch this again (and I do plan to), I’ll like it more and probably give it a higher spot on the list, but even on a first impression, “10 Cloverfield Lane” is an engaging and balls-tighteningly tense thriller with a top-notch cast and production working at the top of their game. John Goodman is so good, man.

21. London Has Fallen – Holy hell, where do I even begin? Rare is the movie where I honestly cannot tell if it’s trying to be a comedy or not. It has a serious post-9/11 depiction of terrorism, but it treats all the bad guys like cannon fodder to be disposed of in spectacular ways. It has some lines about the consequences of U.S. foreign policy in the Middle East, but these lines are throwaway at best and never brought up again. It tries to somewhat humanize its villains, but it also has Gerard Butler executing a wheel-chair bound terrorist before going on a tirade about how they’ll never win and that America will still be standing in a thousand years (not sure if the Third Reich comparison is intentional).

The action scenes are competently shot/staged, if unremarkable (despite a fun CGI-assisted long-take shootout). The script feels like it was either written in a weekend or improvised on the spot by Butler and company. In fact, I feel like this wasn’t originally written as a sequel to “Olympus Has Fallen”. None of the previous movie’s events are referenced, and all the recurring cast members (save for Butler and Aaron Eckhart) feel like glorified crowbarred-in cameos. It’s absurd to have a White House cabinet of Oscar winners/nominees and give them all a collective 5 minutes of screen-time. I’m pretty sure Oscar-winner Melissa Leo doesn’t even have any lines. I’m sure the paycheck was nice, at least. The first 15 minutes or so are fairly boring, even if things pick up considerably afterwards.

The one indisputable quality this movie has is Gerard Butler. Butler gives a genuinely jaw-dropping performance as bloodthirsty and very likely insane Secret Service agent Mike Banning (our hero, naturally). Mike Banning is the type of guy who reacts to getting shot in the shoulder and the birth of his child with roughly the same facial expression. Mike Banning is the type of guy who despite being very proficient with and usually having convenient access to firearms, frequently elects to brutally stab the bad guys numerous times with a combat knife. (“Was that really necessary?” President Aaron Eckhart asks after Banning slowly stabs a terrorist in the ribs to death while making his brother listen via walkie-talkie. “No”, Banning bluntly admits.) Even from the peaceful initial scenes of him accompanying the President on a jog or talking to his wife, you can tell something is very off about him. We as the audience are of course expecting/awaiting shit to hit the fan, but Butler is nearly trembling with anticipation to start murdering terrorists during these scenes. Butler makes almost every bit of dialogue sound like a badass one-liner, on one occasion offering the President a glass of water while saying “I don’t know about you, but I’m thirsty as fuck”, spewing the word “fuck” out of the side of his mouth like a shotgun blast. Even on the off-chance that the movie isn’t taking the piss, Butler most definitely is. I’m not being ironic when I say that this is one of the great comic performances of our time, and the success of the movie (for me) is due to the movie being centered around Butler and his hilariously absurd machoism.

The director of this movie is an Iranian who escaped his war-torn home to Sweden as a boy. This, coupled with Butler’s performance, Butler and Eckhart’s borderline-homoerotic bromance, the ridiculous one-liners and speeches, and an indefensibly heroic portrayal of drone-warfare, makes me feel like “London Has Fallen” is really one big satire of U.S. foreign policy subtly disguised as a stupid, offensive action movie, something conservative idiots will applaud, liberal idiots will condemn, and fun, smart, attractive people will appreciate and enjoy for what it is. I saw this and “Gods of Egypt” with a few friends as a sort of once-in-a-lifetime Gerard Butler double-feature, and I had a grand time.

I felt like I could smell this movie, and I like that. Watching “London Has Fallen” is like sex; You wouldn’t want someone walking in on you during, and you’ll probably want to take a shower afterwards, but once you get past the initial foreplay, it’s a great time from start to raucous, bloody finish.

Wow, that metaphor got gross in a hurry.

20. The Witch – I put off watching “The Witch” because every time in the past few years that people heralded the newest “great, modern horror film” (It Follows, The Babadook, etc.), I found them to be massively overrated and even a bit disappointing, even despite their good qualities. After finally seeing it, I can safely say that it’s definitely one of the best horror films in years (which isn’t saying much, but still).

The story is of an early 17th century Puritan family who get exiled from their village and set up a farm in an isolated area near the woods. Strange supernatural things start happening to them, and the movie becomes the gradual degradation of their mental states, as they start to blame and fight amongst each other, not unlike my beloved “The Thing”.

This is a very atmospheric, slow-burning kind of horror. The emphasis is on creeping dread rather than murdering attractive 20-something teenagers. For a first-time filmmaker, director Robert Eggers shows an excellent grasp of pacing, tone, and visual storytelling. Once you get used to the historical Ye Olde English manner in which the characters speak (subtitles are recommended), the writing is surprisingly quite good, with well-defined characters with clear conflicts and motivations. The acting ensemble is terrific. The whole movie is pretty much just two parents, a teenage daughter, an adolescent boy, and two young children, and they are all fantastic. Seriously, as someone who despises children (both in real life and in film), this is some of the best child-acting I’ve ever seen.

My problem with the movie is that (and this is kind of a spoiler, but it happens early in the film) I was hoping that it wouldn’t be clear whether or not the supernatural stuff is actually happening, or if the family is just losing their minds because of some clever metaphor or allegory. But no, it’s revealed pretty early on that it is actually supernatural stuff, which takes away some of the surprise and the suspense. The music is the kind of discordant “unnerving” string-heavy stuff you’d expect in a horror movie, and I often felt that silence would be much more effective during the scenes it’s used in.  Also, without giving away anything, the ending is pretty silly. It wraps up the story and the character arc of the lead character (the teenage daughter), but the manner in which it does it felt kind of over-the-top. You know what, though? I honestly thought we would get some shitty, cop-out, cut-to-black ending 5 minutes earlier, so it’s not that big of a deal. I’ll take a retarded ending over a non-ending any day of the week.

“The Witch” is a horror movie for those who don’t like horror movies, and one that treats its audience with intelligence and respect, and (the last few minutes notwithstanding) is actually satisfying and builds well to its climax. As someone who doesn’t care much for horror movies, I would say that “The Witch” lives up to the hype, and is well-worth checking out. Also, best (and surprisingly similar) use of a goat since Sam Raimi’s “Drag Me to Hell”.

19. Nocturnal Animals – A problem a lot of movies have for me in particular is when they’re tonally or stylistically inconsistent, feeling like two separate movies at odds with each other. Tom Ford’s “Nocturnal Animals” is a rare example of a movie with strikingly different stories complementing each other and actually improving the end product. The film is about a LA art exhibitor played by Amy Adams, who has an unhappy personal life despite her successful professional life. One day, her long-estranged ex-husband sends her a copy of his upcoming novel, a violent thriller about a family man terrorized by hillbillies in West Texas. The movie cuts between the novel’s story, Adams’ current life, and her past relationship with the ex-husband.

Tom Ford showed with his debut “A Serious Man” that he was great at filming and telling a story about people in rich houses being sad, as he does here, but also displays an uncanny talent at filming a gritty desert-set revenge tale. The parallels between the real life story and the novel are very finely drawn, and while I found the novel sections much more gripping than the Amy Adams story, the seemingly-disparate styles and tones never clash and instead fit really well with each other, creating a movie that is more than the sum of its parts. For a fashion designer, it’s surprising how good of a writer and director Tom Ford is, and he shows that “A Single Man” wasn’t just beginner’s luck.

Also helping the movie is the fantastic cast. Jake Gyllenhaal gives one of his best performances as both the ex-husband and the protagonist of the novel story, and Amy Adams shows incredible nuance and subtlety, reminding us why she is one of the best actresses working today. Michael Shannon steals the show for me (yes, I love him and I’m biased, shut up) as a shady detective in the novel’s story. All the supporting players are great as well, even if their roles aren’t as meaty.

My main complaints are that the dialogue is sometimes silly, some of the supporting characters are pretty one-dimensional and cartoonish (Amy Adam’s current-day husband played by Armie Hammer is a distant businessman who has to go away to New York to “make that very important sale”), and that the editing is a little wonky and overdone at some minor points. I initially had mixed-feelings about the ending, feeling that it was a bit anticlimactic and expected more to happen, but after thinking about it and how it ties to the movie’s themes and character relationships, I like it a lot more in retrospect. Unlike the movie, I can’t think of a good way to wrap this review up, but I’ll say that “Nocturnal Animals” is engaging, unique, and worth checking out, so let’s move on.

18. The Wailing – Its imposing length and frustrating lack of resolution/clarity can be hard to overcome for some people, but this South Korean supernatural horror flick is (in terms of acting, writing, directing, pacing, editing, themes, and just plain scariness and dread) the best and most effective horror film in quite a while. Like a bloodier and more emotionally tormenting version of “The Witch”.

17. La La Land – Before some of you call for my beheading for placing “La La Land” this “low” on my list, let me begin by saying that I still enjoyed the damn thing. From a purely technical perspective, “La La Land” is hands-down one of the best films of the year. Damien Chazelle’s immaculate direction perfectly captures the nostalgic sense one gets from watching old Hollywood musicals. This, coupled with terrific musical numbers and game actors makes “La La Land” an easy movie to enjoy. The story, however, is where the movie is a bit shaky.

The plot is about a down-on-their-luck aspiring actress and jazz pianist who fall in love while pursuing their dreams, and struggle to deal with the reality of keeping their relationship together while their paths go in different directions. The movie goes for a contrast between a magical, cheery Hollywood musical and a more grounded, dramatic approach, but for most of the movie it doesn’t quite gel as well as one would hope. I loved the first half of the movie, where it’s an extravagant musical about aspiring artists, but halfway through, it kind of jarringly becomes a relationship drama, with hardly any musical numbers, and this part seriously drags. It’s only near the end where Emma Stone sings her big “Give me an Oscar, goddammit” number that I even remembered this movie was supposed to be a musical. It’s like the movie takes two different approaches to its material, whereas one middle-ground approach (keep the big musical bits throughout but make them gradually more dramatic) would have made the movie a lot better, in my opinion. It doesn’t help that the two lead characters just aren’t very interesting. Don’t get me wrong; Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling try their damnedest here, but it feels more like two likable actors playing parts instead of real people with flaws and humanity, a feeling exacerbated by them not even having that good a chemistry.

If you can put up with an uneven viewing experience long enough, the film rewards you with one of the best endings I’ve seen in years, one where the themes, motivations, and songs are meshed together in a perfectly bittersweet sequence that actually makes up for a lot of the film’s flaws, and the one point in the film where the aforementioned contrast between fantasy and reality is perfectly in sync with the filmmaking style. It’s here where it stops being a movie about struggling artists and becomes something grander; a film about following your dreams but realizing that life never really works out the way you intend. This and the opening single-take number are ones for the ages, and make the film worth watching all by themselves. To put it in a one-sentence review, “La La Land” is still a case of a movie musical being really good in the first half but fizzling out in the second (something which happened in every one I’ve ever seen besides the “South Park” movie), but at least it recovers well enough to leave a positive impression.

16. The Shallows – I’m as surprised as you that this “hot-girl-gets-attacked-by-shark” film is this high up on my list, but here we are. Blake Lively plays said hot girl, a medical student who travels to an isolated beach in Mexico as a sort of spiritual journey/tribute to her deceased mother, and before long gets shark’d and stranded a few hundred feet from shore on some rocks during low-tide. I thought this would be the sort of cheeky, “Piranha 3D”-esque exploitation flick, but “The Shallows” actually has enough confidence to take itself fairly seriously. The main character has intelligence and some depth and even an arc (as obvious as it may be), and she’s buoyed by Lively’s terrific and believable performance. The shark is intimidating and scary, even when it’s not onscreen. The film has a good sense of progression, gradually escalating the threat level before arriving at the admittedly over-the-top but highly entertaining finale. It has a scene of the main character performing surgery on herself, which for some morbid reason I’ve always enjoyed seeing in movies and shows. And to top it all off, there’s a seagull that befriends the main character as she’s stranded, played by an actual trained seagull whose reactions (and lack thereof) are hilarious and his role in the plot surprisingly affecting. This seems like a stupid thing to harp on about, but if there was an Oscar for Best Performance by an Animal, Sully the Seagull’s performance as Steven Seagull would easily take home the prize.

There are a few issues, like how the main character tends to speak too much to herself (i.e. the audience) about her situation, and while I didn’t hate the very end of the movie, I do wish the film had ended a minute or two earlier right when it had a perfect moment to do so, instead of going on with an epilogue. However, given the expectations I had going in, director Jaume Collet-Serra uses Blake Lively’s good looks and strong acting ability, the beautiful camerawork and setting, his storytelling skills, and an adorable seagull to blow those expectations completely out of the water (har-har).

15. The Handmaiden – Gorgeously filmed, lurid, and thoroughly entertaining Korean erotic thriller with strong performances, writing, and a wonderfully dark sense of humor (an attempted hanging scene yielded one of the year’s biggest laughs for me). Strikes a good balance between artful grace and trashy pulp.

14. Silence – Of the 2016 films in which an accented and deeply religious Andrew Garfield has his faith tested by horrific violence committed by the Japanese, I like “Hacksaw Ridge” more, but this is still a powerful and deeply personal look at faith from Martin Scorsese. A challenging movie, but rewarding if you put in the effort to understand it thematically. A bit overlong and repetitive in the middle portion (though this is probably intentional), and I feel like the movie would be better if Garfield and Adam Driver switched roles, but from the moment Liam Neeson comes back into the movie, it’s outstanding to the end.

13. The Dressmaker – In the early ‘50s, a bus rolls into a tiny, rural Australian town that looks like something out of a Western. Out steps Kate Winslet, accompanied by a Morricone-esque guitar and violin, immaculately dressed and carrying a sewing machine in her case, who proceeds to light up a cigarette and say “I’m back, you bastards.”

Two minutes in and you already know you’re in for a fun movie. Winslet plays a dressmaker who returns to her hometown after being banished as a child to care for her cantankerous mother (Judy Davis), and before long, dredges up a lot of bad blood among the townsfolk that hurt and humiliated her years ago. To say any more would be to spoil the wonderful weirdness that emanates from this film. “The Dressmaker” blends family melodrama, Western, comedy that ranges from the dark to the surreal to the slapstick, campiness, tragedy, romance, and revenge. It’s a mess, sure, but it struts along with such confidence in itself and its source material that all these seemingly disparate elements miraculously work together, for the most part. It helps that Winslet and Davis are so excellent that they deftly maneuver through all these tones and keep you engaged in what’s happening. It’s tough to say what kind of person I’d recommend this to, but I’ll say this; If you’ve always wanted an Australian Western version of “Twin Peaks” where the protagonist is a female couturier instead of a male gunslinger, then “The Dressmaker” will quench that extremely particular thirst.

A note on why I consider Kate Winslet to be one the best actors in the business: SHE IS A FOREIGN ACTOR THAT NAILS A PERFECT AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.

12. 20th Century Women – Mike Mills somewhat tones down the quirkiness from “Beginners”, but still delivers a personal, heartfelt, and funny portrayal of humanity, here subverting the typical coming-of-age story of his teenage boy self-insert protagonist by focusing the film on the women in his life and how their feminist strength and independence help shape him as he grows up. Fantastic performances from Annette Bening and Greta “Love of my Life” Gerwig.

11. Moana – Beautiful visuals, wonderful music, top-notch voice acting, and a compelling and even touching story. I was pleasantly surprised by how long the movie took to set up the characters and their relationships and individual personalities before diving into the adventure. Even the stuff I normally find annoying in Disney movies (needless action scenes, cute animal sidekicks, hip modern references) are toned down here. Maui (voiced by The Rock, who has more charisma than the ocean has water, and a nice singing voice to boot) is extremely entertaining, but Moana is surprisingly a compelling character herself, someone who has aspirations and flaws and a sense of agency, as opposed to the usual dull Disney heroines who unwillingly fall into their fate before falling in love with Prince Flawless McGeneric. Great, empowering message (especially for young girls) about forging your own path in life. A million bonus points for not giving Moana a forced love interest. Another million points for Jemaine Clement as a giant, singing crab. Best animated film of 2016 by a wide margin. Disney’s best non-Pixar movie since “Lilo & Stitch”. Probably my favorite Disney Princess movie. I don’t care what anyone says; “Moana” was fucking lit.

10. Eddie the Eagle – One thing I’ve noticed about myself lately is how sick I am of “irony”. Not in the dramatic sense, but in the “replacing sincerity and any genuine feeling with some detached sense of humor” sense. I think it was the inexplicable but somehow expected rise in popularity of a meme involving a dead gorilla that did it for me. But my point is, lately I’ve been finding myself watching movies otherwise labeled as “corny” or “cheesy” by jaded, cynical and emotionally detached people, who do so just because said movies believe in their own stories without shame or self-referential humor. Well, fuck those people. They can rot in hell along with their precious gorilla.

“Eddie the Eagle” is about Michael “Eddie” Edwards, a British skier who despite having very little experience and natural talent managed through sheer determination and willpower to accomplish his dream of competing in the 1988 Winter Olympics. Eddie comes from a working class family with a loving, supportive mother and a stern, disapproving father. Despite being a talented skier, he is rejected by Olympic board members due to his uncouth and dopey nature. He realizes that he still has a chance of making it onto the Olympic team as a ski-jumper, since the British have not competed in the sport in several decades, so he runs away to Europe to start training, where he meets an alcoholic former ski-jumper-turned-snow-groomer that helps him train.

This film has pretty much every inspirational sports cliché imaginable, from the plucky loser underdog, to the grumpy mentor, to the uplifting synthesizer music, to the late moments where the protagonist is at his lowest point and wants to give up, and so on. In many cases these would be negatives. However, the movie embraces these clichés instead of trying to shy away from them, and in doing so it feels so sincere and full of heart that it actually works. You acknowledge the unoriginality, but you find yourself rooting for Eddie to succeed so much that you just don’t care. Dexter Fletcher’s direction is spirited and full of energy, the aforementioned synth music by Matthew Margeson is wonderful, and the two lead performances by Taron Egerton as Eddie and Hugh Jackman as his mentor are excellent. The movie isn’t all that historically accurate. The real Eddie Edwards himself said that “only about 5%” of the film is true, and even the tagline is “Inspired by a dream come true”, rather than “Based on a true story”. But as a Huffington Post critic said, “You can't believe most of it, but you can believe in it. That's a subtle but important difference.”

But do you want to know why this movie is so high up on my list? So many movies over the years have been praised as “emotional” and “tear-jerking” and to me ended up feeling manipulative and artificial (*cough*Room*cough*). “Eddie the Eagle”, however, with all its sincerity and heart and feel-good splendor, touched me so much that I actually cried at the end. I can count the movies that made me genuinely cry on one hand, and this is the only one that has ever made me cry tears of joy instead of sadness. If the ending scene at the airport doesn’t melt your heart, then congratulations on not having one.

9. Hunt for the Wilderpeople - Due to my continual disappointment in my usual preferred genres of film in 2016, I started to branch out a bit and check out films I otherwise normally wouldn’t, one of which is New Zealand coming-of-age comedy drama “Hunt for the Wilderpeople”. The plot is about a young juvenile delinquent boy and his grumpy foster father who, due to odd circumstances, find themselves hunted by the law and escape to “the bush”, the vast New Zealand forests. We follow them as the two survive, get into various misadventures, and face off with an obsessed child services worker. To reveal any more would be to spoil this wonderful movie. Suffice it to say I enjoyed the hell out of it. Rarely do you encounter a movie that does adventure, buddy comedy, or tragic drama this well, let alone one that does all three, while at the same time showing interesting aspects of Kiwi culture and the beautiful landscape without feeling like a travelogue. The boy (Julian Dennison) starts off as annoying, but this is intentional rather than the fault of bad acting, and he not only grows on you but also shows a good deal of comic timing and emotional range. Sam Neill as the grumpy foster dad gives a career-best performance, showing the kind of depth I didn’t expect from someone who I think I’ve only ever seen in the “Jurassic Park” movies. Honestly, I recommend this film to pretty much anyone (that has access to subtitles). It’s funny, touching, creative, and lovely to look at. Between this and “What We Do in the Shadows”, writer/director Taika Waititi has given me just the slightest bit of hope that “Thor: Ragnarok” will actually be good.

8. Paterson – Wonderfully understated, warm, and compassionate ode to the passion and creativity found in everyday life, making even the smallest mundanities feel profound and moving. No story arc or big dramatic moments to speak of; just the story of a quiet but observant bus driver/poet and his seemingly unremarkable but, well, poetic life. The relationship between Adam Driver and his wife (Golshifteh Farahani) is one of the most beautiful I’ve ever seen in a movie. Also; casting Adam Driver as a bus driver? Bravo, Jim Jarmusch.

7. The Nice Guys – I can’t believe I used to not care for Ryan Gosling. Granted, for the longest time the only movie I’d seen him in was “Drive”, and it’s hard to take someone seriously as an actor when all the role asks of someone is to stare silently for uncomfortably long periods and occasionally hit people. But nonetheless, in recent years the guy has done phenomenal work and completely won me over as an actor, culminating in Shane Black’s “The Nice Guys”, where he gives his best performance to date. He is shockingly funny and provides not only a lot of the laughs in this movie, but also a good deal of its heart. He’s gotten a lot of awards attention for his role in “La La Land”, but to me this is the highlight of his career so far.

Gosling plays an alcoholic, bumbling private detective and single father who teams up with the low-rent enforcer who broke his arm (Russell Crowe) to crack a major conspiracy involving a missing girl and a dead porn star. Tagging along for much of the mystery is Gosling’s teenage daughter, played by Angourie Rice in one of the best child performances I’ve ever seen in a movie (damning with faint praise, but still, give her credit), easily holding her own in scenes with Gosling and Crowe, despite a few awkward line deliveries. The three leads are great and have excellent chemistry with each other and with the strong supporting cast, helped along by Black’s hilarious dialogue, irreverent sense of humor, and his continuing growth as a director. I already harped on this in previous reviews, but it’s really refreshing to see a comedy that actually sets its jokes up before giving them a good payoff, especially one where some setups aren’t initially obvious (a seemingly throwaway story about Richard Nixon ended up giving me one of the biggest laughs of the year later on).

There’s kind of a lack of urgency to the mystery that makes the pacing a bit lethargic. I didn’t mind it much because the characters are so likable that you don’t mind spending time with them, but it’s worth mentioning. While there’s some character conflict and growth, I wish it tied into the plot a bit more. The lack of a clear antagonist for the first half of the movie also hurts. There are a lot of jokes and visual gags, and while most work, a few do fall flat. I feel like an extra rewrite and some tighter editing could fix most of these problems, and none of them are by any means a deal-breaker.

It feels weird to call this film “original”, since it’s more or less the same film Shane Black’s been making for the past 30 years, but in an increasingly bland world of mainstream filmmaking, it’s so refreshing to see a unique voice like Black do his own thing with a great cast and a solid budget. It’s a damn shame that a film which should’ve led to some sequels instead just barely made its’ production budget back. Put it another way; if you complain about a lack of originality in Hollywood but still paid money to see the latest superhero flick instead of “The Nice Guys”, please dip your head into a bucket of wet cement until the bubbles stop.

6. Hacksaw Ridge – I’m willing to go on record and say that “Hacksaw Ridge” is probably the most violent movie I’ve ever seen (at least the most violent since the last Mel Gibson movie). Considering this, only Mad Mel can make such an insanely violent film while also telling a moving story about one man’s faith and adherence to pacifism. The story is about Desmond Doss, a conscientious objector and pacifist who wanted to serve his country as a combat medic, and whose extraordinary rescue of over 70 soldiers during the Battle of Okinawa became the stuff of legend and earned him a Medal of Honor.

The movie has kind of a typical biopic structure, showing his early years as a troublesome lad who finds meaning in life with Christianity, to his young adult days where he tries to romance his impossibly attractive later-wife, before moving to the boot camp scenes where he’s persecuted by others for his refusal to pick up a gun, and finally to the war scenes. The transition between corny but solid, old-fashioned melodrama (or MEL-odrama) and the incredible, surreal, horrific war stuff may sound jarring, but in a very smart move, Gibson opens the film with a slow-motion montage of combat with a narration from Doss. This seems kind of clichéd, but it sets your mind up to expect the stuff you’ll see later, while at the same time taking away none of the impact.

Contrary to what some may think about the film and of Gibson going in, it’s not one of those shitty “Christians are good, others suck” films that do remarkably well in the southern states. The subject of the film is deeply religious and the film has its fair share of unsubtle Christ-like imagery, sure, but not only does it not beat you over the head with it, it even feels earned after seeing what Doss is put through. Plus, if anything, it’s less about the strength of faith and more about sticking to your convictions even when the whole world tests you. Plus, it’s refreshing for a war movie to heroically portray a man who saved lives instead of taking them.

Despite being away from the director’s chair for a decade, Gibson has lost none of his storytelling prowess or his penchant for striking imagery. The period and technical detail is fantastic (during one scene where you see through the scope of a Japanese sniper rifle, the film even got the scope right). Despite having to fill the late, great James Horner’s (who couldn’t do the film due to his unfortunate death in 2015) shoes, Rupert Gregson-Williams surprisingly turns in one of the strongest musical scores of the year. The mostly-Australian cast is excellent, with Andrew Garfield giving a career-best performance as Doss (at this point, I forgive him for “The Amazing Spiderman 2”), as well as strong supporting turns from Vince Vaughn as the funny/tough drill sergeant, and especially from Hugo Weaving as Doss’s PTSD-ridden WWI veteran father. Weaving genuinely looks like a man who died in the trenches in France but whose body still returned home, turning to booze and anger to make him forget the trauma he experienced.

I would say that Hacksaw Ridge has all the makings of a great film but is slightly held back by some story choices. The film kind of ends shortly after Doss’s heroic exploits with some standard biopic text and interviews from his real-life former comrades. It’s fine, but I think it would have had more impact to first show Doss returning home and reuniting with his wife and family, considering how prominent the theme of family was in the film. Also, there is one scene late in the movie involving Japanese officers, which I won’t spoil, but it feels forced and EXTREMELY unnecessary (I guess Gibson just has a thing for beheadings).

Still, considering how good this film is overall and how well it’s being received, I’m happy to report that Mel Gibson is no longer persona non-grata in Hollywood, and that I absolutely look forward to whatever he’s making next. Welcome back, Mel. We missed you.

Note: Something I thought of after watching “Hacksaw Ridge”; Mel Gibson could totally direct a “Mad Max” film.

5. Hell or High Water - On an early Texas morning, a two men rob a pair of branches of the Texas Midlands Bank. While not without a few hiccups, the robberies go smoothly. The two men are siblings; calm and smart divorced father Toby (Chris Pine), and his loose-cannon ex-con brother Tanner (Ben Foster). They are trying to raise enough money to save their family farm by paying off the foreclosing bank with its own stolen money, while being hunted down by Texas Rangers Marcus and Alberto (Jeff Bridges and Gil Birmingham), the former close to retirement. There are still a number of branches they need to rob in order to raise the needed amount. What ensues is one of the most mature and intelligent thrillers I’ve seen in a long time.

There is no black or white. Just two sides of the law. We understand both sides, and the motivation of each man. While the robbery scenes are thrilling and gritty, the movie actually shows a tremendous level of restraint. The pacing is deliberately slow, but the film is so well-made and well-written and so confident in itself that it never becomes boring, and it builds exceptionally well to its grip-you-by-the-balls climax. The movie spends a lot of time with the characters talking, with dialogue that feels both realistic and entertaining. The extremely underrated TV show "Justified" has instilled in me a joy in hearing Southern people talk shit to each other, and the movie doesn't let me down in that regard. The rural, neo-Western setting is wonderfully atmospheric and does a good job conveying how tough life can be in such a place (with a noteworthy supporting performance from Katy Mixon as a waitress who refuses to give back a large tip of stolen money to the Rangers).

Even though his character is pretty much a less alcoholic and more down-to-earth version of his Rooster Cogburn from the Coens’ “True Grit”, Bridges still impresses with a soulful and highly entertaining performance. Similarly, while Ben Foster feels a bit typecast as the “wild man” brother, he still knocks it out of the park with his confidence and screen presence. The biggest surprise is Chris Pine, tuning down his smirky charm and turning in his best performance to date as a man whose cool-headedness masks his desperation.

If I had to think of a flaw, it's that the film has a slightly-annoying over-reliance on licensed country songs in the first half of the movie...really, that's all I can think of. The slow pacing might be a turnoff for some people (some extremely thick people who very likely have ADHD and are virgins), but it pays off so well that I can't even consider it a problem for anyone with a three-digit IQ. If you are tired of action movies or thrillers being dumb, this is the movie for you. If you are tired of smart movies being dull, this is the movie for you. "Hell or High Water" is a diamond in the rough that is 2016, and deserves your attention.

4. Elle – I saw this movie solely because Paul Verhoeven directed a sizable portion of my childhood (Robocop, Total Recall, and Starship Troopers), and he has enough goodwill based on that alone that I’ll check out anything he makes. While his European films are noticeably different from his American action classics, one thing that hasn’t faltered is his skill as a director and unique voice in telling provocative stories. “Elle” certainly has one hell of an opening. A wealthy middle-aged woman named Michèle is attacked and raped in her home in France. After the intruder leaves, Michèle calmly collects herself, cleans herself and her home, and goes to work the next day as if nothing is wrong. The rest of the movie is about her conducting her own investigation into finding out who attacked her as we learn about her feelings and why she doesn’t notify the police, as well as her complicated relationships with her friends, neighbors and family.

I can definitely see a lot of people getting offended by this movie’s depiction of rape and its consequences on the main character, but considering how complex and unpredictable human beings can be, this is one of the most bracing, raw and honest depictions of the subject I’ve ever seen. Put it simply, this isn’t your typical rape-revenge film. The excellent writing and Verhoeven’s strong command of the material and his cast elevates it beyond what I thought possible. The characters are very well-defined, with all their own quirks and needs and insecurities, and despite how uncomfortable the film can be, it’s also surprisingly very funny in how it presents them and their relationships with each other, especially during a fantastic Christmas dinner scene where all the characters and their animosities come together. There is a lot of gossiping, resentment, passive-aggressiveness and cuckoldry on display (it’s a French movie, so no surprise there). The film is certainly lurid, but everything from the story and performances to the themes and subtext is done so well that you can’t stop watching. At no moment during its two-and-a-half-hour running time was I bored.

“Elle” is a film I wouldn’t recommend to everyone due to its’ length and subject matter, but thanks to the strong writing, Paul Verhoeven’s confident direction, and a stunning lead performance from Isabelle Huppert, this a bold, gripping, and surprisingly entertaining film that is absolutely worth going out of your way to see if you can stomach it. Plus, there’s a really cute cat.

With that out of the way; please come back to America and make another gory, over-the-top action film, Mr. Verhoeven. Hollywood needs you more than you need it.

3. Sing Street – An Irish lad from a broken home in 1985 Dublin gets transferred to a rough, inner-city school. Soon he meets a mysterious girl hanging around outside the school, and in an effort to impress her, asks her to be a model in a music video for his non-existent band.

What follows is a coming-of-age story about artistic expression and love where the boy gathers anyone that can play an instrument (including the funniest part of the movie where they try to recruit “probably the only black guy in Dublin”), starts making music and videos, and slowly starts bonding with the girl. It’s tough to make a movie set in 20th century Ireland feel optimistic, but writer/director John Carney deftly maneuvers between comedy and drama, makes the film simultaneously fantastic yet grounded, making the story of falling in love and following one’s dreams feel believable and easy to root for.

From the tagline “Boy meets girl. Girl unimpressed. Boy starts band”, you can probably guess the general progression of the plot. This, coupled with the fact that I don’t like coming-of-age stories, or musicals, or Irish people*, means that this film was facing an uphill battle from me. Imagine how goddamn good this film must be that it’s number 3 on my list this year. A cynic would say that it doesn’t face much competition from an unremarkable year for film like 2016, but “Sing Street” is a wonderful ode to the power of music and young love that would be great in any year, and I defy you to watch it without a smile on your face. Basically, if you possess a heart, a soul, a dream, a love for music, or a pulse, I cannot recommend “Sing Street” enough.

*kidding. I love you, you pale, swear-y, chip-shop bombing drunkards.

2. Star Trek Beyond – After a strong start to a reboot of the storied franchise with 2009’s “Star Trek”, the series took a nosedive with “Star Trek Into Darkness”, the woefully misguided attempt to make the series dark and gritty. Because of this and the new director being Justin Lin, a man who has made four (well, three and a cameo) films about Vin Diesel sleepily growling about family in between scenes of supercars performing Cirque du Soleil acts, I wasn’t all too excited for the new entry, even though it’d be written by talented comic actor and well-known nerd Simon Pegg. Who would have thought that Pegg and Lin would have been the ones that saved not only 2016 from being a shit year for blockbusters, but also the soul of the “Star Trek” franchise?

The plot is about Kirk and the Enterprise crew getting stranded on a remote world after being attacked by a mysterious warlord while investigating a missing ship. It’s a slick and self-contained adventure, making it feel like a long and big-budget episode of the series in the best possible way. I don’t want to imply that this is the “Star Trek” of yore. It’s still a big, over-the-top space action film. But it has something that the previous two films (especially Into Darkness) lacked; spirit. The spirit of discovery, of exploration, of optimism. That despite the dangers in the galaxy, any problem can be overcome as long as all the species work together. Most importantly, it has an emphasis on character, actually slowing down at times to let them breathe and talk and joke with each other (y’know, like they’re people or something, and not just plot-devices). There’s a wonderful little scene at the start where Kirk and Bones share a drink to toast Kirk’s deceased father, and the tributes to the gone-but-not-forgotten Leonard Nimoy and Anton Yelchin were beautifully done.

It’s remarkable how well Lin and Pegg capture this “Star Trek” spirit while still making an exciting, blockbuster action film. Lin brings his A-game to the action scenes, making them fun, creative, and natural as a story progression. You always understand why the action is happening, as opposed to a random fight being thrown in for its own sake. There’s a certain scene later in the film where a ship has to take on a swarm of smaller enemies with a familiar musical cue, and I cannot remember the last time I ever felt so much hype and childish glee in a movie scene.

I guess the villain is the same generic normal-guy-who-was-betrayed-and-wants revenge that the past two films had, but between the still-excellent cast (newcomer Sofia Boutella steals the show as an alien warrior/scavenger that Scotty meets), a strong soundtrack, awesome visuals, a fun story, involving action scenes, and that warm “Star Trek” feel to it, “Star Trek Beyond” feels like a jolt to the heart of a series that was in danger of becoming lost to soulless, studio-driven blockbuster territory. Assuming there’s more to this series of films, I cannot wait to see where the franchise boldly goes from here.

1. Free Fire – This is the most fun I’ve had in a theater since “Mad Max: Fury Road”. I wasn’t a huge fan of Ben Wheatley’s previous films, but among the material I didn’t really care for, I saw an undeniable talent in his work. Here, it’s like he used his powers to make a movie precisely for me.

The film is about an arms deal that takes place in a warehouse between two groups of criminals that quickly gets out of hand after shots are fired in the exchange. The remaining 70 minutes of this 90-minute long movie is basically one really long shootout as everyone picks sides, betray each other, and get increasingly wounded while rarely ceasing their shit-talking. Think “Reservoir Dogs” as a comedy of miscommunication. In an amazing feat of filmmaking, Wheatley makes sure that this lengthy shootout set mostly in one large room isn’t boring for a second. His smart, gradual escalation of events punctuated with a number of “holy shit” moments and set pieces, held together by excellent editing, keeps the film exciting and darkly funny throughout. In between the big moments, characters take pause to hurl expletives at each other and ponder their own situation as they desperately try to get out of it, adding up to people you care about and are interested in even if they’re all dicks. This is a brilliant example of how important pacing and characterization is to a film, especially to one with so little plot.

Also helping is the hilarious banter, delivered by a wonderful and colorful cast of characters played by a small but absolutely stellar cast. Everyone is great and play their characters perfectly, with a standout performance by Sharlto Copley as an unhinged, self-absorbed arms dealer who causes much of the conflict in the film. I knew I’d love him as soon as a character says “Vernon was misdiagnosed as a child genius and never got over it.” I also want to mention the sound design, which is some of the best in recent memory, with every bullet fired feeling like a loud jolt to one’s system. The writing is highly enjoyable on a superficial level, and even carries a bit of depth with the shootout being a clever allegory for human nature and just generally what happens when idiots own guns.

“Free Fire” is by far the best movie I saw this year, and when it gets a theatrical release, I implore you to go see it. The only complaints I can think of are that the ending is just alright, and after a certain point you start to wonder where some of the characters keep getting their ammo from. Time will tell if this film stands up to repeated viewings, but this was easily the funniest, craziest, and most entertaining film I’ve seen all year. Yes, my favorite movie of 2016 is a 2017 movie in which characters argue and shoot each other in a dirty warehouse for 90 minutes. Cinema isn’t dead yet.

The “30 and Still Living in Parents’ Basement” Award for Biggest Disappointment 

Nominees:

 ·         Jack Reacher: Never Go Back

·         Jason Bourne

·         Passengers

·         Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

·         Warcraft

Runner-up:

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

Winner:

Passengers

The “Clever Marketing” Award for Best Tagline

Nominees:

·         Elvis & Nixon – “On December 21st, 1970, two of America's greatest recording artists met for the first time.”

·         Free Fire – “All guns. No control.”

·         London Has Fallen – “Prepare for bloody hell”

·         The Dressmaker – “Revenge is back in fashion”

Runner-up:

The Dressmaker

Winner:

Elvis & Nixon

The “Postcore Avantwave” Award for Best Film Score

Nominees:

·         Bear McCreary – 10 Cloverfield Lane

·         Justin Hurwitz – La La Land

·         Mark Mancina, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Opetaia Foa'i - Moana

·         Matthew Margeson – Eddie the Eagle

·         Michael Giacchino – Star Trek Beyond

·         Rupert Gregson-Williams – Hacksaw Ridge

·         Shirō Sagisu – Shin Godzilla

Runner-up:

Mark Mancina, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Opetaia Foa'i - Moana

Winner:

Bear McCreary – 10 Cloverfield Lane

The "I'm Glad We Decided to Keep It" Award for Best Child Performance

Nominees:

·         Angourie Rice - The Nice Guys

·         Auli'i Cravalho - Moana

·         Ferdia Walsh-Peelo – Sing Street

·         Harvey Scrimshaw - The Witch

·         Julian Dennison - Hunt for the Wilderpeople

·         Kim Su-an – Train to Busan

·         Lucas Jade Zumann – 20th Century Women

Runner-up:

Julian Dennison - Hunt for the Wilderpeople

Winner:

Angourie Rice - The Nice Guys

The “If Only the Rest of the Movie Was This Good” Award for Best Scene

Nominees:

·         Athens riot – Jason Bourne

·         Beach drowning – Silence

·         Captain America and Winter Soldier vs. Iron Man – Captain America: Civil War

·         Car chase – Operation Avalanche

·         Christmas dinner party – Elle

·         Climactic robbery/shootout/getaway – Hell or High Water

·         Desmond’s rescues – Hacksaw Ridge

·         “Drive It Like You Stole It” – Sing Street

·         Epilogue – La La Land

·         Entering the ship – Arrival

·         “How Far I’ll Go” – Moana

·         Police station – Manchester by the Sea

·         Sabotage – Star Trek Beyond

·         The un-destruction of Hong Kong – Doctor Strange

·         The 90-meter jump – Eddie the Eagle

·         Quicksilver and the exploding mansion – X-Men: Apocalypse

·         Warehouse rescue - Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

Runner-up:

Police station – Manchester by the Sea

Winner:

Sabotage – Star Trek Beyond

The “Pig in Lipstick” Award for Prettiest Movie

Nominees:

·         A Bigger Splash

·         Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

·         Doctor Strange

·         Hail Caesar!

·         Kubo and the Two Strings

·         La La Land

·         Moana

·         The Handmaiden

·         The Love Witch

Runner-up:

The Handmaiden

Winner:

Kubo and the Two Strings

The “Premium Meth” Award for Best Chemistry

Nominees:

·         Adam Driver and Golshifteh Farahani - Paterson

·         Casey Affleck and Michelle Williams – Manchester by the Sea

·         Chris Pine and Ben Foster – Hell or High Water

·         Gerard Butler and his knife – London Has Fallen

·         Jeff Bridges and Gil Birmingham – Hell or High Water

·         Michael Peña and Alexander Skarsgård – War on Everyone

·         Ruth Negga and Joel Edgerton – Loving

·         Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe – The Nice Guys

·         Ryan Reynolds and Morena Baccarin – Deadpool

·         Sacha Baron Cohen and Mark Strong – The Brothers Grimsby

Runner-up:

Michael Peña and Alexander Skarsgård – War on Everyone

Winner:

Casey Affleck and Michelle Williams – Manchester by the Sea

The “Healed Broken Bone” Award for Best Cast

Nominees:

·         20th Century Women

·         Captain America: Civil War

·         Everybody Wants Some!!

·         Fences

·         Free Fire

·         Hail, Caesar!

·         Love & Friendship

·         Sing Street

·         Star Trek Beyond

·         The Magnificent Seven

Runner-up:

Sing Street

Winner:

Free Fire

The “Convincingly Faked Orgasm” Award for Best Performance

Honorable Mentions:

·         Andrew Garfield – Hacksaw Ridge

·         Ben Foster – Hell or High Water

·         Blake Lively – The Shallows

·         Chris Pine – Hell or High Water

·         Emma Stone – La La Land

·         Hugo Weaving – Hacksaw Ridge

·         Joe Alwyn – Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk

·         Joel Edgerton – Loving

·         Judy Davis – The Dressmaker

·         Kate Beckinsale – Love & Friendship

·         Kate Winslet – The Dressmaker

·         Kwak Do-won – The Wailing

·         Mahershala Ali - Moonlight

·         Ruth Negga – Loving

·         Sam Neill – Hunt for the Wilderpeople

·         Viggo Mortensen – Captain Fantastic

·         Woody Harrelson – The Edge of Seventeen

Nominees:

·         Adam Driver – Paterson

·         Alden Ehrenreich – Hail, Caesar!

·         Annette Bening – 20th Century Women

·         Casey Affleck – Manchester by the Sea

·         Denzel Washington – Fences

·         Gerard Butler – London Has Fallen

·         Greta Gerwig – 20th Century Women

·         Isabelle Huppert - Elle

·         Jeff Bridges – Hell or High Water

·         John Goodman – 10 Cloverfield Lane

·         Michael Shannon – Nocturnal Animals

·         Michelle Williams – Manchester by the Sea

·         Ralph Fiennes – A Bigger Splash

·         Rebecca Hall – Christine

·         Ryan Gosling – The Nice Guys

·         Ryan Reynolds – Deadpool

·         ­Sharlto Copley – Free Fire

·         Tom Bennett – Love & Friendship

·         Viola Davis – Fences

Runner-up:

Gerard Butler – London Has Fallen

Winner:

Ryan Gosling – The Nice Guys

In regards to my final award:

The whole “Fuck 2016” thing has been done to death, albeit not undeservingly, so this’ll be my only word on the matter. A lot of us had a rough year, dealing with political strife, global conflict, environmental issues, personal problems, celebrity deaths, “Suicide Squad”, etc. Even in film, 2016 has felt like a bit of a downer, with many films I was looking forward to letting me down. However, there have been quite a few gems, especially in the latter half of the year, and a good number of these are off the beaten path, ones I actively searched for to find and ones I gave a shot even if they’re the type of thing I wouldn’t normally see.

My point is, we have to make an effort to get the good out of life. You can still find some gems while wading through a river of shit (which you’re going to wade through anyway), and I’m not just talking about movies. Try something you normally wouldn’t. Try to pick up a new hobby. Make some personal time for yourself, even if you’re swamped with work or school. Start exercising if you don’t already (hell, try yoga). Don’t just accept that life is shit; do something to make it less shit. Always strive to better yourself, because while there’s no such thing as perfection (unless you’re Michael Shannon), it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t reach for it.

The mere fact that you’re reading this means that you’re actively trying to de-pleb yourself, or maybe it’s because you love me or maybe I just make you laugh sometimes. In any case, thank you for reading this year-in-review. As it has been for the past two years, writing this was fun and therapeutic. I wish you all luck in seeking happiness (and good taste in film, like mine), and for those of you who have a bad day somewhere on that journey, film is always there for you, including the following films which can cheer one up even on the rainiest days.

The “Ancient Indian Burial Ground” Award for Film Most Likely to Raise Your Spirits

Nominees:

Eddie the Eagle

Sing Street

Hunt for the Wilderpeople

Everybody Wants Some!!

Moana

Runner-up:

Sing Street

Winner:

Eddie the Eagle

[chicagoindiecritics]

New from Kevin Wozniak on Kevflix: Review – Bombshell

        Apparently 2019 was the year Hollywood decided to shit on former Fox News CEO and chairman Roger Ailes.  Ailes, a controversial figure who left Fox News after being accused of sexual misconduct from a number of women, passed away in 2017, and in Hollywood, a two year buffer is all you get before a movie can be made about you.  Ailes got the television treatment with Showtime’s The Loudest Voice and the cinematic treatment with Jay Roach’s Bombshell.

The show and the movie both focus on Ailes and his sexual misconduct while at Fox News, but they look at it from different perspectives.  The Loudest Voice looks at it more from Ailes perspective, making him a tyrannical monster who’s fall was greater than his rise, and Bombshell looks at it from a few of the women on the forefront of this controversy, mainly Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly.  Comparing the two wouldn’t be fair, as they are two different entities and two forms of media, and seeing as I am a film critic, it only makes sense that I focus on Bombshell.

Though he’s had success in the past with political-centered films on HBO, it’s interesting that someone decided that Jay Roach was the right director for Bombshell.  In a movie that focuses on the effect of Roger Ailes from the perspective of a few women, having a male director try and convey this didn’t work one bit.  What could have been a truly horrifying, yet powerful film about women rising up against a powerful, disgusting man, turns into a messy, unfocused, tonally uneven film that wastes a spectacular performance by Charlize Theron.

Megyn Kelly (Theron) is one of Fox News’ biggest anchors and personalities.  Though she reports on a news station that has a reputation for its sexist remarks and toxic work environment, Megyn is a true professional, claiming to not be a feminist and knowing that her job at Fox News pays her life.  When disgruntled afternoon anchor Gretchen Carlson (Nicole Kidman) gets fired and sues Roger Ailes (John Lithgow) for sexual harassment, a spotlight is shined on Megyn on whether or not she will defend Roger, like most of the women at Fox News, or come to the defense of of Gretchen and the handful of other women who have come forward.

Charlize Theron gives an incredible performance as Megyn Kelly.  Kelly, an infamous personality who was the face on controversy when she challenged then Presidential nominee Donald Trump during the debates about his sexist and woman-hating remarks, was the deciding voice in the Roger Ailes controversy.  Where her voice went, whether defending Roger or backing Gretchen, was going to be the deciding factor in what happened in this lawsuit.  Theron nails the mannerisms, speaking patterns, and even the way Kelly speaks.  The make-up on her is unbelievable and alone worth awards consideration.  But watching Theron depict the struggle Kelly faced really grabs you, as she goes from a woman who always looked the other way whenever something inappropriate would happen around her for the sake of her career to being biggest voice in Ailes’ downfall is really captivating and far and away the best part of the film.  I wish all of Bombshell was about Kelly and what she went through, as it would have given Theron more the work with and been far more interesting.

The Megyn Kelly stuff is just part of the film.  The other strong part of the film comes from the stuff with Gretchen Carlson.  Carlson was the key player in this whole controversy, as she was the one who initiated the lawsuit and the first to really come forward about Roger’s actions.  However, she is almost an afterthought in the film and isn’t in the film nearly as much as she should be.  The film also doesn’t give her enough credit for what she did, never giving her a truly triumphant moment.  Kidman does excellent work as Carlson, showing the desperation and determination of a woman who has had enough of Roger’s antics and goes after the most powerful man at Fox News, yet also a woman who did all of her research so that she could bring Roger down clean and hard.  If Bombshell had been Megyn’s story with Gretchen playing second fiddle, this could have been a truly special movie.

Unfortunately, Bombshell wants to focus on a character who isn’t even real.  Margot Robbie also stars in the film as Kayla Pospisil, the hot new employee at Fox News with dreams of being on camera.  Again, this character isn’t real and ultimately serves no purpose in the film.  Like Carlson’s story, Pospisil is not developed enough to matter.  She is a key player early on in the film, as she meets with Ailes and has her own personal and uncomfortable encounter with him to prove that she will do anything to be on camera.  But after that, her character almost vanishes from the film, showing up briefly after Gretchen launches the lawsuit and then having a brief encounter with Kelly about her “meetings” with Ailes.  I was confused as to what the point of her character was?  There was enough in the film between Kelly and Carlson that bringing in a fake character was unnecessary.  I love Robbie as a talent and she does some really strong work with what she is given, but it’s really a complete waste and takes away from the better stories.

I’m not sure if this movie is a comedy or drama and neither does Roach.  In a film about a very serious subject, Roach made a film reminiscent of The Big Short, yet less in control.  The editing is all over the place, the tones don’t blend, and the story and plot fly off the rails relatively quickly.  This is a movie that needed a steady, female hand behind the camera in order to get the proper emotion out the film.  This is a film that should have horrified people and gave them a sense of triumph when Ailes goes down.  Instead, this is an emotionally flat film and one of the bigger disappointments of 2019.

The post Review – Bombshell appeared first on Kevflix.

from Kevflix https://ift.tt/2r6Vnfh via IFTTT

from WordPress https://ift.tt/2Ey4gS0 via IFTTT

[theawesomesource]

Charting the many origins of Marvel’s Wall-crawling Web-head

Everyone loves a good origin story, and comics have some of the best in the business. They’re so good in fact that people can’t seem to leave them alone. Aside from the fact that they were first told anywhere up to 80 years ago, classic origin stories have been told and retold so many times that it’d be easy to get confused. Batman has one of the most successful retelling with “Batman: Year One”, and just a few years ago Scott Snyder retold his version in “Zero Year“.

In the last few years the Amazing Spider-Man has had two series attempting to fill in some of the gaps of his early years. Firstly there was 2014’s “Volume 1.1: Learning to Crawl“ by Dan Slott and Ramon Perez which, much like its numbering suggests, sets out to fill in the gaps between the early panels, pages and issues that cover the origin of everyone’s favourite wall-crawler. It’s aim was to flesh out one of the more famous origins in comics while still remaining faithful to the original. Nothing is getting rebooted here; everything that happened has happened, but as the introduction insisted, “you don’t know the whole story”.

More recently was the ongoing series from 2015 -2016 (because yes, ‘ongoing’ these days at Marvel means ’12 issues’) “Spidey” by Robbie Thompson and Nick Bradshaw. Much like an earlier, (and most would acknowledge more successful) series called “Untold Tales of Spider-Man“, “Spidey” attempted not to retell any stories but to weave new tales between the existing ones.

So all of this is great right? This way the early years can be explored and retold in a way that doesn’t invalidate anything that’s come before it, plus you get to squeeze in extra stories. It’s win-win. Except…except these aren’t the first times Marvel’s done this. Hell, it’s not even the first time Marvel’s done this with Spider-man. There have been a number of books that have ‘filled in the gaps’ of those early days of Peter Parker, so I’m going to highlight some of the more prominent ones. I’m going to focus specifically on the origin itself, and see if they all complement one another nicely, or contradict one another completely. After that we’ll try and sort out some kind of timeline, because continuity is fun!

Honourable mention – “Spider-man: Chapter One” (1998-99)

Back in the glory days of the late nineties comics were rarely better. OK, I couldn’t write that with a straight face. Unfortunately the nineties weren’t very kind on our superheroes, and while a lot of good came out of that era, a lot of terrible things did too. Take “Spider-Man: Chapter One“.

Written and drawn by John Byrne, this was a retelling unlike any other. Designed to be a revamp for new audiences before the reboot of the main “Amazing Spider-Man” title, Byrne cherry picked his favourite parts of the origin story –

  #gallery-0-13 { margin: auto; } #gallery-0-13 .gallery-item { float: left; margin-top: 10px; text-align: center; width: 50%; } #gallery-0-13 img { border: 2px solid #cfcfcf; } #gallery-0-13 .gallery-caption { margin-left: 0; } /* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */

Like the covers…

– and completely disregarded the rest. The worst offenders? Well apart from updating the way people spoke and dressed:

Yeah girl, the Stones are… cowabunga…or something.

He completely changed the setting. Did you catch that subtle change above?

He’s heading where for what now?

Yep, turns out Peter’s fatal spider bite happened not at a Midtown High Science Exhibit: Experiments in Radio-Activity (Room 30) –

Myeh. Thought I was making that up didn’t you?!

– it was actually in one of Doctor Octavius’ Great Radiation Chambers, in a crude attempt to link their destinies.

Pictured Above: Epic Superior Foreshadowing.

Obviously things go wrong:

Many arms make terrible chamber ventilators.

And the rest is history. Horribly rewritten history.

“His recovery is…amazing…spectacular…even sensatio- ok I’ll stop”

That’s not all John Byrne changed. Wanting to reboot the burglar’s origins (you remember, the one that shot Uncle Ben? Keep up), he has it so that the reason the burglar broke into the Parker residence is because he saw Spider-Man leaving…

“He must be robbing the place! ONLY LOGICAL CONCLUSION.”

…and assumed he was ‘casing the joint’.

The start of a beautiful friendship

It’s only an honourable mention on this list because for all intents and purposes it’s been completely erased from history. It didn’t even get a convoluted Mephisto handshake – it’s just quickly and quietly been brushed under the rug as a sort of awful dream…

The Amazing Spider-Man: Parallel Lives (1989)

Ah yes. One of the more famous retcons in Spider-Man’s history, ‘Parallel Lives’ is a Marvel Graphic Novel from 1989 and follows Peter Parker and Mary Jane’s lives in tandem as they grow up in the same circles.

#gallery-0-14 { margin: auto; } #gallery-0-14 .gallery-item { float: left; margin-top: 10px; text-align: center; width: 50%; } #gallery-0-14 img { border: 2px solid #cfcfcf; } #gallery-0-14 .gallery-caption { margin-left: 0; } /* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */

These truly are…Parallel Lives.

Again it goes over Peter’s origin –

Pictured Above: Drama.

Yet apart from the odd phrasing there are no real changes to the birth of Spider-Man. For the most part, Peter’s side of things is a fairly faithful adaptation of the source material. There’s even a great page that recreates and expands on two panels from AF #15 –

With great power, comes great feels.

Most of the new material comes from Mary Jane’s side of things. Her back story gets fleshed out some more in order to change her from Party Girl into Party Girl…with emotions.

Because no one is allowed to be that much fun. NO ONE.

The major retcon however comes about a third of the way through the book…

Wait for it…

Say whaaaaaaaaaaaa??

Yep. Turns out all these years – before they married, before Gwen died, hell before they even officially met – MARY JANE KNEW PETER WAS SPIDER-MAN.

Wowsers

This was a pretty huge change in the Spider-Man mythos at the time and one that caused quite a bit of controversy. People could accept that MJ could suppress years of family tragedy, but ask people to believe that she knew all along about Peter, even when she was stood there at the door –

With her thighs thicker than her waist. What a dame.

– That seemed like too much for a lot of folks. Thing is though, aside from having to view those early interactions differently, it doesn’t really affect anything else too seriously. In the long run it also adds a lot of depth to Mary-Jane that wasn’t there before, and helped her become one of the best supporting characters in comics. So for that reason it’s slowly just been accepted that yeah, she always knew. Onto the continuity pile it goes!

Spider-Man: With Great Power… (2008)

Now here is a strange miniseries. Writer David Lapham (of Stray Bullets fame) attempts to fill in the gaps between two panels in Amazing Fantasy #15, namely this one…

Face front True Believer! Excelsior! etc

…and this one…

He never mentions that award. So humble.

It’s a great idea in theory. It’s always confused me how Spider-man goes from being the ‘sensation of a nation’ to a superhero seemingly overnight, and no one ever mentions his wrestling career again. Clearly things get glossed over. So this is where ‘With Great Power…’ comes in. Set after the spider bite, but before his Uncle Ben’s death, this mini suggests there was about… a week and a half maybe?… where Peter kind of bumbled around becoming a flash in the pan success, all the while moping over Liz Allen and receiving the gift of a car from Uncle Ben. Which he promptly sells, along with his wrestling money to buy a better car, just to impress Liz Allen.

Was he really this obsessed with her?

Anyway, the whole point is he has all the power but no idea what it means to be responsible.

Then this happens.

And with eyes like a chameleon, so she can watch two different Cute Darlings at once!

Like a mid-eighties Cher mixed with a mid-nineties Cher, Tiffany Lebeck enters Peter Parker’s world and for some reason she’s his perfect woman?

Stupid Parker! You could have been the next Sonny Bono! (Ask your parents)

As the story progresses we see the usual plot points get hit – he becomes a wrestling star:

There’s that rhyming phrase again. So nice you’ve seen it twice!

…annoys Jonah…

It’s here that Parker realised “J.J.” is a better nickname than “Sheepy Mcsubtle”

…plus it also covers the infamous scene with the burglar, because that takes place between those two panels in AF #15…

He’s wearing a beanie in this version? CONTINUITY RUINED.

The series ends with a news report telling of that same burglar still on the loose, in a typically ominous fashion.

WUH-OHS.

Overall it’s an odd series. I get the point that it was going for: there was a gap in the story that needed filling, but five issues was way too long, and the characters were in sort of a holding pattern. Peter couldn’t really learn anything because that had to happen when his Uncle died. Besides, back in AF #15 before Ben is killed Peter is kind of a jerk, so all the way through this Peter is also a jerk, and whiney to boot.

Ergh. GET OVER YOURSELF.

It does have some interesting ideas. Jameson’s editorials brandishing Spider-Man a menace start to annoy his promoters…

…so they’re the ones that encourage him to be a hero, in order to clean up his personal image. Ok, that’s a strange angle to take, but not entirely unbelievable. Peter doesn’t take too well to it though…

Even Cher can’t take his whining.

So yeah, I get it. Even when given the opportunity to be a hero on a plate, Peter can’t handle it because he hasn’t had that one hard lesson yet.

There’s that speech.

Oh that reminds me! After he got his powers, but before he became a superhero, Peter Parker wussed out on helping the Fantastic Four in stopping a monster invasion, and wound up indirectly killing a man:

#gallery-0-15 { margin: auto; } #gallery-0-15 .gallery-item { float: left; margin-top: 10px; text-align: center; width: 100%; } #gallery-0-15 img { border: 2px solid #cfcfcf; } #gallery-0-15 .gallery-caption { margin-left: 0; } /* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */

Ok, not really, he tried to help him but just sucked really hard at it.

So yeah, not a great series this, and while the premise was good the execution was pretty awful. If it wasn’t Spider-Man it’d be a great examination of a teenager taking on the responsibilities of a superhero, but for Peter Parker? It just doesn’t sit right. It just further reinforces the notion that Peter Parker isn’t inherently good or heroic, and that unlike other heroes like Superman, he needs one of his family members to die before he learns the “hard” lesson that helping others is the right thing to do? Still, it doesn’t actually contradict anything that’s come before, so I guess it goes in the pot.

Amazing Fantasy #16 – #18 (1995)

Extremely similar to “Amazing Spider-Man 1.1″ in both premise and execution, these 3 issues aimed to fill in the gap between “Amazing Fantasy #15″ and “Amazing Spider-Man #1″. Here’s where we’ll potentially have troubles, because there are discrepancies between this and “Learning to Crawl”.

Written by Kurt Busiek (the writer of previously mentioned “Untold Tales of Spider-Man”) in 1995, with art by Paul Lee, these are three standalone stories that all deal with the themes of power and responsibility: the first issue sees Peter fight a ring of scam artists that pick on widows and widowers (including Aunt May):

Wolf of Wall St up in here

…the second deals with a fellow teenager Joey Pulaski who also has superpowers –

His first superhero meeting…?

But uses her powers to help the mob target select buildings to destroy, so they can reap the benefits in insurance and construction.

All the power, none of the responsibility. LESSONS, PEOPLE.

The third issue takes a similar tack, pitting Spidey against a villain called Supercharger who charges himself up in a super way –

Electro’s dad AMIRITE LOL

Overall this is a pretty awesome, if seemingly forgotten series. There’s a definite feel of “Marvels” about it, which Busiek also wrote:

The artwork is very cool too.

…and because it’s Busiek it’s extremely faithful to the source material. Anyone who’s read “Avengers Forever” knows how much he loves his continuity. So because of that there’s nothing here that really contradicts anything that came before it. Spidey’s manager is called Maxxie Shiffman here instead of Monty Caabash in “With Great Power…” but with a little artistic license you can easily see these stories fitting together. Just about.

Different name, same Jerkweasel.

Spidey has never experienced ‘Spidey Sense’ before either, and gives the sensation its name in these issues.

“Some sort of – Arachnopathy? Web-Brain? Tarantulovision?”

There are a few other things, like apparently he’s never met Jonah Jameson before –

FORESHADOWING

…and Busiek shows you Uncle Ben’s funeral…

Popular fella.

…both of which get contradicted by later storylines. The Jameson thing in ‘With Great Power…’:

Although Jameson being knocked out gets around that particular continuity knot I guess so you know, GET OVER IT

…and Uncle Ben’s funeral gets shown again in Amazing Spider-Man 1.1 Learning to Crawl, which we’ll get to shortly. In either case they’re stories that came after Busiek’s issue, so if anything they contradict his work and not the other way around.

Amazing Spider-Man vol 1.1: Learning to Crawl (2014)

 Now, as much as people may lampoon Mr Slott, there’s one thing he’s good for and that’s continuity. He knows this character inside and out, so a flashback to Peter’s early days shouldn’t be too much of an issue for him, and this story is no exception.

Picking up literally one second after Amazing Fantasy #15… (seriously, check it out:)

Here’s the last panel of AF #15…

…And the first of ASM 1.1. Neat huh?

…this series aimed to fulfil the same promise that Busiek’s issues did, i.e. fill in the blanks between “AF #15″ and “ASM #1″. So the question is, can there possibly be enough room between those books for another 3 issues?

Slott gets the agent’s name right at least

This book covers a lot of ground that’s already been covered in the books mentioned above. For example, as mentioned earlier, here’s Uncle Ben’s funeral…

He’s more popular now at least

…Jameson’s beef with ol’ Webhead…

“rasser-frassing-grumble-my son’s an astronaut-grumble”.

…as well as introducing a fellow teen who is like Peter but not…

In this case a fanboy rather than a kid with actual powers

All in all though it’s not bad. It doesn’t majorly contradict anything continuity wise –

Not at first. Unless you count ‘With Great Power…’ which I’m sure no one is at this point.

… so there’s no reason it can’t sit alongside everything else in that regard. Plus the art is just gorgeous. Ramon Perez is fantastic and it’s clear he loves the source material.

Love the Ditko dots in Spidey’s eyes.

So yeah,  I think it’s fine to go on the continuity pile! The trouble comes when you try and make one coherent whole however…

Piecing it all together.

So. Now that we’ve seen all the various attempts at filling in the blanks, do they all come together to form a coherent story? Well, if we put them in order…

“Amazing Fantasy #15” is first, at least the first part up until he starts to become famous. Then we cut to

“With Great Power #1-5″. Taking place between the panels before cutting back to

“Amazing Fantasy #15″ where we find out what happens after the burglar shoots and kills Uncle Ben. As Peter leaves his bedroom at the end of the third page of part 2 however we jump over to

“Amazing Spider-Man: Parallel Lives”, where we see (Shock, Horror!) Mary Jane catching him leaving and figuring out that (Horror, Shock!) Peter Parker IS Spider-Man! Back to

“Amazing Fantasy #15″, and right as it ends, it gets picked up in

“Amazing Spider-Man vol 1.1: Learning to Crawl” (Can you see now why the numbering is stupid?) Then

“Amazing Fantasy #16 – #18″ which would then take us up to

“Amazing Spider-Man #1″. The first one. The first number 1. Ergh.

So that’s it. Does it make sense from a continuity stand-point? Meh, I’m going to go with a solid “Just about”. Does it make sense on a story-telling perspective? Probably not. If you read them all like that, you’d end up with a bit of a mess. Peter learns, then forgets, then re-learns – twice – that with Great Power there must also come Great Responsibility. Plus reading them this way means he has a tendency to forget people and places, meet people for the first time twice, and be surrounded by characters that change names and motivations.

Apart from Flash. Good…

…old…

…faithful…

…Flash…

…Thompson.

If I had to choose, I’d say you could probably remove ‘With Great Power…’ (Sorry Mr Lapham, love your other works!), and then most everything else sort of works itself out.

Ooh I forgot to mention Silk! She also gets bitten by the radioactive spider in “Amazing Spider-Man (2014-2015) #1“:

  – but seeing as her story doesn’t effect Peter’s origins in any way and rather just runs parallel to what I can only assume is Peter running off to immediately fall in love with Cher, we can just acknowledge it as a fun extra.

So what do you guys think? Was there anything I missed? Let me know below, on Twitter or on the Facebook page!

From Amazing Fantasy to the modern day, charting The Many Origins of Peter Parker, The Amazing Spider-Man Charting the many origins of Marvel’s Wall-crawling Web-head Everyone loves a good origin story, and comics have some of the best in the business.