#calling hajime A Person. not an undead like the others. a person. human. acceptance

[doomednarrative]

^^ me when Kamen Rider Blade Episode 14

[chalicearrow-blog]

This meeting suited a forest. Even if his double only carried a camera, seeking to calm a racing heart by taking photos of the new terrain. Even if the meeting was completely amicable, Hajime even offering a small smile.

His double accepted the offer as the truth --- he only wanted to go back to the less chaotic home he knew. He would face it if it meant defending the life he built, but this one belonged to someone else.

“I can’t understand what you’ve been through, but I wish I could take some of that weight with me.”

“Thank you.” It was an impossible sentiment, but the thought meant something to Hajime. “Good luck.”

“You too.”

Hajime raised his phone, centering his double on the screen. The double grinned as if the model for a photo instead, and then the action succeeded in sealing him away.

Lowering it, he stared at the empty spot with an equally empty expression. Was it sealing him? Did even a peaceful him that had never experienced the Battle Royale have to accept that threat? He closed his eyes. A happy life… he could hope his self-preservation hadn’t interfered in that, and had truly saved them both.

His eyes burned. Opening them, he found more than the mist interfering with his vision. Another him had enjoyed a life without carving one of his own out of the Joker. Another him had never had to fight, over and over again, with his sole survival ensuring complete destruction. He had been able to connect with others without the same struggle against his inexperience and doubt. He had been fully human, always, and someday he would die like one.

Hajime was happy for that version of himself, even if it drew out the grief over his own situation that he’d refused to confront. Putting a hand over one side of his face couldn’t hide the heavy tear streaking down the other cheek. He stood like that silently, unable to wish his life had been the same, but the wide chasm was painful anyway.

The calling sounds of bugs and the soft shaking of branches under animal feet filled the silence. He wanted to live, like this. If he wanted it to end, he wouldn’t have tracked his other self down. It meant bearing the burdens of his own life, but the person he was was someone different. It was the only self he had. It wasn’t only his, either: he had to live for others.

He lowered himself to his knees, his free hand pressing into the dry dirt trail. “Forgive me for living a life without knowing the debt I owed you,” he said quietly, to Hikaru Jo, Noboru Shima, and every other Undead that just participated in the battle as it was. He couldn’t let Kanai off without poor feelings, but in the end everyone fell to allow the victor to survive.

He owed too much to Mutsuki Kamijo, and in the end, to Sakuya Tachibana. He owed his humanity to Haruka Kurihara for taking him in. He owed Shin Kurihara for trusting him with the photo he kept with him always. He owed every human that had died in the chaos to keep standing in their place.

Amane and Kenzaki were more than that. Their unconditional affection couldn’t be stripped down to a simple sacrifice for his life or his happiness. Amane wanted to understand and love every part of him, even if she was afraid of Joker’s face. Kenzaki would do anything for him, did do everything for him to save the dear friend he saw in the destructive force. Both had cared to an unbearable extent, but neither had been in his other self’s life at all.

“I’m sorry for living a life without you,” he whispered, and settled his head against the ground as the tears washed over his fingers.