I would absolutely live to hear about Future Plans and heritage fruits! My partners and I are looking at buying a house by the end of the year and I'm so excited at the prospect of a back yard to fill with food plants and gardening and everything! So I'd love to know more about someone else's plans!!
mmMMMMMMMMMMMMMM YOU OPENED THE CAN OF WORMS THE WORMS ARE OPEN THEY ARE EVERYWHERE NOW!!!! OHHHHHHH JEEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOTHING CAN STOP THIS!!!!
MMMMMM. I LOVE. DOMESTIC CROPS AND ANIMALS. SO MUCH.
SPECIFICALLY “heritage” varieties. The pre-industrial/commercial varieties that people lived on for hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years, or even the stuff younger than that, it’s just...so!! Good!!!
You didn’t QUITE ask for this but this is where I’m going with it. I LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. The HISTORY of our domesticated crops (specifically fruits and vegetables, but mostly Tree Fruits!!!! But I’m also suuuuper partial to heirloom sweet potatoes/normal potatoes even though I don’t like the taste of sweet potatoes, they’re just SO FRICKING COOL and I want to learn more about other vegetables too) and animals is just....HOOOOO!!!!
Locally adapted,, perfect little....NUGGETS that just...perfectly fit their own SPECIFIC LITTLE NICHES...no matter WHERE you live, no matter HOW much space you have, no matter HOW good or bad your soil, NO MATTER WHAT, there is ALWAYS something to grow or raise, and we can thank so, so much of that to the incredible variety of heritage crops/animals (and methods of agriculture) out there. Mild, cold, hot! Lots of space, little space, no space!! Fertile, barren!! Every condition in every color and shape and flavor and size and ahhhhhhh!!!!! AHHHH!!!!
Hold onto your butts because this is one Hell of a Mega Ramble okay, there is so much to talk about here, oh man.
Some background, which you can skip if you want...!!! It’s a LOT and it get’s VERY NEGATIVE but also VERY GOOD AND HOPEFUL, it’s a real big story and it’s My Story and gives a lot of insight into Why I’m Like This but it’s okay to skip for sure!! Anyway:
I’ve been researching (i.e. writing literally 1.5-2k+ words nearly every single day) for literally 7 years now about all of my various Passions and Plans in life. Obviously breaks were taken due to Sad Times but no matter what I did, no matter what happened, I’d always come back to my dumb awful stupid notes. I have notes on my current laptop, my old harddrive, my SO’s laptop, my stepdad’s laptop, my SO’s OLD gaming laptop, my old netbook, my OLD OLD netbook, every phone I’ve had in the past 7 years (which has been like uhh...five? I have bad luck with phones..) and COUNTLESS pieces of paper and cheap composition books.
To call it research, it seems to silly. Writing these words here, to you strangers on the internet, I CANNOT EXPRESS TO YOU how VITAL these notes are to my VERY EXISTANCE.
I have been researching and writing and talking to folks and asking questions and LIVING AND BREATHING this stuff for LITERALLY, LITERALLY HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS if not ALMOST A THOUSAND OR MORE HOURS at this point!!!! If we were to actually SOMEHOW backtrack all the way to late 8th grade/freshman year when I first started dipping my toes into reptiles and fell in love with my first jumping spider that landed on my arm after I read Darren Shan’s Cirque Du Freak, after being so fascinated by the intelligent giant magic tarantula in the first book, and gathered ALL of my notes from then to NOW (I’m 21 now, if I was in college, I’d be graduating next May) it would EASILY surpass that. For YEARS in high school my family thought I was always playing games on my laptop, but really from the moment I got home to the moment I went to bed, I was watching lets plays with one side of the screen and reading, reading, reading, and writing, writing, writing with the other. For HOURS. Every. Single. Day.
Hell, this has been my most recent “Renaissance” of writing, after The Big Realization of earlier this year (I’ll get to that), and this is AFTER I went on a horrible depressed/manic rampage and deleted like 80% of my notes (that would have been from...hmm. This is what I didn’t delete, what Jessie recovered, and what I’ve added...so March to Early September, when Jessie switched my notes to a new program (I lost a lot of notes from lack of autosaving so now they’re on our nextcloud so I can’t lose them...but I’m too stubborn to use it still) and this is still like. A lot.
Keep in mind the average 10-11 kb file is 1500-1700 words for me. My biggest files (only of the ones I still have, on this laptop) are 40-60 kb. (Also these are Big Secrets that I don’t ever show anyone but Jessie, who I’ve been with now for almost 7 years, so this is pretty dang important to me and a big thing to be revealing.)
Current folder I’m usually saving to:
Nextcloud I don’t bother to use usually but probably should use:
Again, this is ONLY on my newest laptop, and this DOESN’T include the files I deleted a few months ago, nor the files I lost from February-early April after Jessie updated my computer and wiped my files, and I still have a BUTTLOAD left on my old harddrive from last year, but we never moved it up and I don’t feel a need to. (I’ve learned so much. So. Much. In the past year. I think I’ve matured a lot and really become more...Me. But I’ll get to that.)
Also doesn’t include the SEVERAL notebooks I’ve filled front to back this year (cheap $0.50 ones from work...I’ve blown through a couple biggish ones and I think 2-3 little quarter-size memo books) and all the receipt papers I have crammed into my work uniform...
But anyway why is this important? It really helps iron in just how HUGE this is to me. My future “Plans” aren’t just...it’s really important to me. Okay? I am but a humble stranger on the internet and my life and everyone elses’ respective lives are infinitely more complex than we can ever dare imagine one anothers’ existences to be, but just trust me when I say that I’m not pulling this from nowhere, this shit isn’t some sort of “fad” to me, this has been a long, long series of events and realizations and heartbreaks and so, so much pain that have finally led to everything kinda falling into place sometime this year where it hit me.
You see...all of my research topics followed a pattern. It went, in my rough memory, something like this.
It started with reptiles. Lots of reptiles. So many reptiles. I was so naive and young then and my sources sucked and I was very much a novice who dreamed of owning all sorts of cool reptiles when I got older, and of getting a gecko when I went to college. That was how it started and it went downhill from there. I branched off into gardening (I wanted and still want a blue tongue skink and had thoughts about how I’d grow a garden for vegetables and squashes and stuff for the skink and feeder insects) and THAT grew into this whole THING about raised bed gardening, square foot gardening, then into permaculture, which planted the seed for many things to come...and now I’ve ALWAYS LOVED BIRDS,, but when I learned that keeping CHICKENS was a thing (thank you Jennifer (Nambroth)!!!!!!!!!! Our emails back and forth are still saved forever, our talks about chickens changed my life and way of thinking Forever!!!) and I researched that, then I’d jump back to reptiles again, and back to chickens, then more reptiles, then chickens and QUAIL, or OTHER poultry,, and so on and so on. This beautiful fluid branching path that would always rebound on itself and I’d drop some topics, gain new ones, revisit old ones, learn what I liked, what I didn’t like, what were brief interests, and what were there to stay.
Some topics (chickens, new caledonian geckos, antaresia pythons, tarantulas, gardening...) would always come back. No matter what I did...they came back. As I grew as a person, I started to figure out what was important to me (CONSERVATION, animal welfare, reptile/invertebrate enrichment, vivarium design, combining art with animals, and did I mention CONSERVATION? and combating climate change/The World but that came later.) and while some of those points didn’t show up in my research until later...like my obsession with native wildlife/plants and domestic species...it never went away.
And as I grew older, outside of my research life went on, and I really went through A Lot in these seven years. Undiagnosed anxiety/depression all through high school, practically living in the guidance office junior/senior year, dealing with an emotionally abusive and animal abuser teacher for many years, living with my emotionally abusive/narcissistic mother, and eventually going to an amazing art college and having both the best and worst time of my life (Hahah!! Almost straight As and skipped a writing class with my amazing scores and was top of my class, Dean’s list first semester, in the Visionary Women’s Honors society, worked in the admissions office and did lots of cool things, but hahaha also really wanted to die and was Destroying Myself) and trying to get help while keeping it a secret from my mom...lo and behold of course she eventually found out about the Depression when I had to go inpatient near the end of my second semester, and she. HA, I can’t even cry about this anymore. She literally disowned me (took all my money, sold my car, cut me off of health insurance, made me pay my own hospital bills, refused to do my FAFSA for college anymore, dropped all support, and later when I had to come home because I relapsed again and the college made me go on a medical leave of absense, she threatened to kick me out and call the police [hilariously enough though the house was owned by my stepdad, not her, so she couldn’t do anything. Also I never did anything to her and she was just crazy and made up excuses. But yeah not fun trying to walk to work and being threatened over the phone that she was going to have me dragged out of work by the cops and not to come home, hahaha!!!!!! But then also when I did live with my neighbor for a few days she was apparently so distraught?? Haha what a weird person!!!! I haven’t seen her for three years now and it’s been the best thing that ever happened to me. Don’t mourn for me, it’s SO Much better now. Speaking of, she was a PETA-hugging ARA nutjob and if she knew what I was planning on doing she would’ve disowned me either way!!!!!!), and of course fighting to be able to move out and rent an apartment with my SO (I hate the word boyfriend. It’s been 7 years come January 11th, and we’ve been through so fucking much. And she [my mom...] and other people always made fun of him being my BOYFRIEND that that word is tainted for me...so Significant Other it is) and then being forced to live alone there for a couple months,, and then even after that, the fights with his family, the car accident in November, my mom ruining all chances of me going to college (keep in mind I had after leaving college, spent the next TWO AND A HALF FUCKING YEARS OF MY LIFE trying to make it so I COULD go back, spent all of my time, energy, hope, eVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING trying to do so,,, and she manipulated me and then lied to me and made it so I couldn’t), my rebounding depression, my Intensifying Aggression (terrifying. Developed when I was in college...I guess it’s some kind of rapid bipolar disorder, maybe triggered by me going on antidepressants in college, they said. But it was so long ago and they never knew the full story for a proper diagnosis anyway. But it’s gotten manageable and We’re Coping), the housefire on Christmas, moving Once Again to the new place and being told I can’t bring my 15 year old cat (he’s with my stepdad still now but it’s not okay.), the rats have to be in the basement, and oh yeah if you want to attend college again loans will be nearly 13% interest hahaha!!! and then finally just straight up breaking down in February and not leaving bed for DAYS and nearly committing suicide, just the real worst time ever, and my former therapist/psychiatrist place weren’t responding (turns out they discharged me!! haha kinda hard to make appointments WHEN YOU DON’T PICK UP THE PHONE and we DIDN’T GET THE NOTICE IN THE MAIL because our HOUSE WAS CONDEMNED and my mail was being sent to my STEPDADS an hour away!!!!!!!! Also really hard to talk to you when you BLOCK OUR FUCKING NUMBER and HANG UP ever time we fucking call haha!!!!!! Literally on the verge of suicide and not on my anxiety meds for MONTHS but hey sure that works too guys!!!!) which really didn’t help, and yeah it was really just the pits! Just the absolute pits, the Very Worst.
Now at this point I don’t remember exactly when/what changed, but SOMETHING did.
Leading up to February, I wanna say it was about October that I started getting kinda weirdly depressed, and I started REALLY tanking after the fire. After the fire, I had to move back to my stepdads within the night, and had to live without Jessie again and commute really far and keep the tarantulas a secret and in general be very alone and very sad. I started wearing down and it was getting so hard to just...enjoy. Anything. Even just taking care of the pets became difficult, and doing art or researching was impossible. I just...didn’t care anymore. I stopped caring.
On top of that, my climate grief and general feelings of Despair were at an all time high, and I just didn’t. Fucking. CARE. What happened next.
I spent YEARS of my life WEARING MYSELF TO THE BONE trying to get into college, the get back into college, to just try to do this thing that I was supposed to do, my ONE hope of having a career and a future that I probably wouldn’t even be happy with (I was an illustration major. I liked drawing. It’s what I was best at. But looking back, I wouldn’t have been happy doing it for a living. And Moore [no that’s not what my blog is named for, it just also happens to be my last name] was a great college but it just...wasn’t worth $30k a year with no cosigner for loans, even AFTER my scholarships) and my body and mind were wearing down and no matter what I did I didn’t care about myself, my animals, my partner, my life, nothing. I can’t explain how terrifying that is. Of all the time in my life, I think this was the worst. On top of my life problems, it must be said again that my climate grief and Misery regarding the state of our country and the world was also at an all-time-high, and I just felt...POWERLESS. Powerless and empty and uncaring and dead inside. I really wanted to just...drive off a bridge or eat a ton of pills (which I did do a couple times, don’t do that. Please. It’s NOT worth it.) and just stop Existing.
But then something just...changed.
I don’t know what it was, exactly. But I got SOMETHING back. SOMETHING “clicked”.
I’m crying a bit now. It’s so stupid to say, but I truly believe this is what saved my life. Realizing my purpose in life. That everything fell into place and finally made sense.
I’m going to be a bit more concise here but...basically...many of my passions and smaller aspects of myself all fell into place, so PERFECTLY.
It hit me that...ah jeez.
I will digress one more second. For those of you who don’t know, I have two Eurydactylodes geckos, named Vladimir (E. vieiliardi) and Estragon (E. agricolae). They are named for my favorite drama that we read in AP English, Waiting for Godot. It’s an aburdist theater play about two men who wait under a tree for someone (we don’t know who, just that his name is Godot) and that’s about it. Everyone had a lot of different things to say about that weird little book, but my take on it was that it’s supposed to be what happens to two men when they lack a “purpose” in life. Existentialism, and all that. They sit there and sit there and completely lose themselves just WAITING for this guy that they don’t even remember, they don’t even know why they’re there, and they do nothing to try and change that. The difference between existentialism and absurdism, however, is that absurdism specifically discusses this idea of a Chaotic Universe, this Lack of Meaning, this pointless quest of humanity to seek value and meaning in a universe without reason. It’s a fruitless effort, it’s Absurd! But the beauty of absurdism, this tiny idea that stayed with me in the goofy names of my geckos (I chose the names because I thought the play was amusing and I loved the characters’ relationship, which is Quite Gay and so Loving and Charming it warms my heart, and I loved that they called each other “Didi” and “Gogo”) and really held true to my own life. I DO NOT believe that THIS is why this change happened for me, but it’s ironic, no?
Back to Absurdism, Absurdism says... “here is this meaningless, Chaotic, RIDICULOUS universe. There is NO reason for ANYTHING, there NEVER will be, you DO NOT MATTER, you DO NOT HAVE A PLACE HERE. There is NO POINT to anything. So fuck it, and try to find one anyway.”
My original therapist did not understand why I found this so wonderful and inspiring. It’s so rebellious and selfish, I LOVE IT. To embrace the Absurd is to take the bull by the horns and flip it upside down! It’s to stare all of this dreadful pointlessness in the Void, and when it says “Why bother? Why care about these insignificant invertebrates? These ridiculous reptiles? These ABSURD apples???” and flip the bird both hands and say “BECAUSE I WANT TO, BECAUSE I SAID SO, BECAUSE I AM HUMAN, AND I CAN!!!” It’s...also more than that, it’s this long, defiant lifelong journey, this stupid, ridiculous journey of fumbling about trying to find one’s place in a cruel, vast world, and finding oneself in that journey.
I love people. I love the ABSURDITY of humanity, of people, of myself, of others. A Huge part of my Future Plans has to do with People, and Community, and Changing my little patch of the world. It’s not much in the grand scheme of things, but I know it can make a difference to someone and myself and that’s what matters.
Anyway back to the Clickening.
Around that time I had a moment like that. It was as if something in my mind was screaming at me, listen. You are here, and you have always been here to love animals, to love life, to make art, to tell stories with your art, to raise little sheeps.
And like that, it started Something.
I agreed to go to a local doctor, and was put on antidepressants. I’ve been on them since late February. I also got accommodations for work, so I have two excused absenses due to mental illness each month, which was good, because they tried to fire me 4 times now and they haven’t succeeded yet. (I’m DAMN GOOD at what I do, I’m just Sad and Unlucky and Dumb, but I’m doing a lot better now!!) I started taking all of the things I learned in the past many years and what I’ve learned about myself as a person (I won’t talk about it here but I’ve always struggled with my Identity [not gender wise, just...with my mental health and my mood disorder, it’s really hard to know What is ME and What’s The Illness) and it all started falling into place. My needle felting, my love for animals, conserving native wildlife AND heritage breeds with restoration grazing and positive impact forestry, utilizing my Overwhelming Charisma (in person I swear I’m quite a good talker! Way better than my typing here!) for education, outreach, and farmers market sales, my love for life and my fellow human beings and my plans to work hard to help feed my local communities and encourage sustainable agriculture and the dismantlemant of capitalism Love of our native wilds and backyards alike (I also have Big Thoughts about getting native peoples input as well, but I need to research that more and actually talk to people, but that would be in future years!!), and so, so many things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That started in late February/early March now, and since then I’ve still had Really bad times, but I’d say in the past mmmmm...probably since late July? I think yeah since about then things have really taken great turns. I’ve Matured a lot, really embraced who I am and what I want to do, and while I KNOW my plans are going to keep changing over time (tentative goal is to look for/buy our property in 2025!! That gives us 5 years post-graduation to settle down and see how things go, where Jessie will be working, where we’ll be living, how my mind changes, all of that!!) but I KNOW in my BONES in my SOUL that this is what I have always been meant to do. To raise things, grow things, and to Care.
ANYWAY WOW HAHAHA YOU SURE DIDN’T ASK FOR ALL THAT BUT THERE YA GO THERE’S THE BACKSTORY, THE FIRST HALF OF THE WORMS!!!!!!
TL;DR: I’m a sad sap who is now slightly less sad and has Big Plans that were 7 years+ in the making and I want to take all my Big Thoughts about exotic welfare (well, reptiles and spiders mostly, but sure) and also apply it to DOMESTIC welfare and Make a Dang Difference!!!!
Okay now I’ve become very burnt out, I’ve been writing for like two hours now? So this part will sadly be shorter, but I will definitely write more about it again if you or anyone else has questions or actually wants to hear about it.
Basically...the amount of These Plans that I am willing to let you folks know, is uhh...oh jeez where do I even begin, haha...
Well it started small plans (early years of research, when I used to think a small greenhouse was Super Wild and Crazy) but nah bruh we goin’ full hog, literally. My plans are to get a decent sized property, still in my state, and have a HUGE focus on Sustainability and Positive Grazing/Management! That means rotational grazing to IMPROVE soils!!! Thinning the woodlot and clearing brush for the HEALTH of the forest!!! Reintroducing blight-resistant american chestnuts to restore our forests and support a healthy wildlife population!!!! Using both honeybees AND cultivated native bees [did you know that’s a thing???? You can buy native bee cocoons, like raised humanely, and raise them for pollinating plants!! Like Orchards!!] and grazing pastured pigs and chickens under orchard trees, while also providing BUTTLOADS of native flowers and domestic tree blossoms for native pollinators!! All that great stuff.
My biggest focuses would be raising practical heritage livestock for sustainable agriculture and conserving heritage fruit trees, with a focus on apples and pears. I also want to grow a lot of mutually beneficial/low-impact perennial resources...think honey, maple syrup, nut trees, stuff like that! And I want to graze on pastures with native grasses and locality-specific wildflowers (check out Ernst Seeds, especially if you live in/near PA like I do!! Wow it’s so frickin’ cool) and focus on northern european short-tailed sheep (finnsheep, gotland, icelandic, leader, shetland, and soay) and small landrace American hogs (american guinea hog, ossabaw island hog) and the more recent but so full of potential idaho pasture pig. I also want to raise icelandic landrace chickens for utility (parasite/pest management, composting), conservation, and eggs. I also want to raise rabbits (silver fox crosses for meat, and french angora crosses for fiber! I have a dream of producing high quality tri color angora for spinners...three colors on one animal, and I want them to be especially great for fiber artists who want to raise their own fiber animals but don’t have a ton of space) and I have BIG orchard plans...SO MANY ORCHARD PLANS, HHHHHOOO YES....SO GOOD...also COPPICE WITH STANDARDS and FORESTRY and HOO YES!!!!! I LOVE SOME GOOD OL FORESTRY!!!
I think the best way to describe my current plans standings is that it seperates into a couple different “zones”, for my Current Ideas. This has taken months and so many countless hours of thinking, researching, and ironing out, and I’ve made so much headway in just this past week, but basically imagine this...
It’s mostly split into two pastures, the orchard, and the woodlot.
PASTURE 1
Pasture 1 would be the largest, where we would rotationally graze two primary groups of ruminants. Polled NES-T sheep (finnsheep/gotland) and horned sheep (icelandic/leader) with dairy cows (dutch belted) as well. Dutch belted for milk and specifically cheese production, and they would be grazed in front with the icelandics to help take care of the taller grasses that the sheep would avoid, and help keep the sheep a bit safer. All would be guarded by livestock guardian dogs. Group #1 of the icelandic chickens would be grazed behind them, to help break up manure and disrupt parasite cycles.
Pasture itself would be mostly a big bluestem/little bluestem/indian grass/switchgrass mix, with a good variety of livestock-safe wildflowers (small portion being nitrogen-fixers like tick trefoils and pasture pea) and seed-producing flowers for birds (wild birds and our birds!). Would be rotationally grazed 1-2 days at a time (avg. 3-4 days total) with a 21-35+ day rest period. Polled NES-T sheep would be moved to “silvopasture” (copse with standards, a portion of the woodlot, with coppiced trees for fuelwood/timber interspersed with standard-sized mast producting trees [would double as nut and persimmon orchard, and hog foraging in fall/winter!!!]) in the summer to help them deal with the heat. Summer would be the best time, as it’s after the spring predator pressure and before the acorns fall, which could be bad for them if they ingest too many. Rams and hogs would otherwise graze this land with much longer rest periods otherwise (more like 30-45 days or so).
PASTURE 2
Smaller pasture with similar planting, arranged ‘paddock paradise’ style for a small group of icelandic horses (SO GOOD, and useful!! Little horse hooves are much kinder to the forest than a UTV, and herding on horseback is less stressful for the livestock) and rotationally grazed shetland and soay sheep. Pretty simple, but important. Would also contain Icelandic chicken group #2.
ORCHARD
Worthy of a novel all on it’s own. I want to grow semi-dwarf heritage fruit trees with the fruit drop type synced to the rotation of pastured hogs (idaho pasture pig, american guinea hog, ossabaw island hog) and group #3 of icelandic chickens. Hogs would be in orchard spring-fall, and in the copse with standards fall-early winter. Hogs and chickens would be moved to a holding area during rainy times to help preserve the orchard floor and during winter, where we would also have a large waste management/composting set up for them to root and turn to their hearts content. Should be a lot warmer than the outside in the winter too, and I plan on it being in a high tunnel/hoop house so its covered.
I am ALL ABOUT pairing livestock with crops and encouraging multi-purpose acreage in general, so this is definitely one of my FAVORITE plans so far, and every time I revisit it, it gets better. I also want to raise BEES (honeybees, mason bees, leafcutter bees!!!) for honey and pollination. I also want to plant BUTT-TONS of native flowers and goodies for pollinators, as well as lots of seed producing plants and sunflowers for the chickens to forage for by themselves. These would be some happy livestock, for sure.
WOODLOT
Another huge part of the plan is that I want at LEAST 1/3-1/2 of the property to be Woods. Only a small fraction of the Woods would be managed for livestock foraging and more frequent harvesting (still looking at a good 7-10 year coppice cycle though for trees) and the rest would still be tended to, with the help of the local forestry folks, but it would be preserved for wildlife and low-impact timber and nut/fruit/sap collection.
The VAST MAJORITY of the farm would be multi-purpose acreage for both livestock AND wildlife benefit (and people too of course) and I truly, truly believe and KNOW it can be done. In fact it HAS been done, IS being done, in so many different ways by so many different people in different times, and I know that I want to be a part of it and I can make a difference and use my weird passions for Good and make a dang difference.
Ohhh jeez I’m real sorry I didn’t quite answer your question though but I hope this gives a little insight into what I mean?? And if anyone has Specific questions after reading this (if you make it to the bottom, bless your cotton socks, I’m so proud and also distressed) I can definitely answer them a bit better than this. And hopefully much less...whatever this is, haha!!
9 notes
·
View notes
Everything I Didn't Say
Happy birthday, Mommy Maits.
Dear Mommy, happy birthday. I love you, next to God but above anyone else. Both of us love music, so I'm using the lyrics of songs that I find fit to everything that I wanted to tell you whenever I hear them.
You are my world.
🎶 There's so many things I wanna say. I will always love you, I would never leave you alone. 🎶
Hindi ako madalas mag-message sa'yo ng ganito, but I always want to talk to you. Remember how I always tell you everything that I do, everyone that I know, and all the things that run into my mind whenever we talk through the phone and in person? LOL. I always think that it's nice to tell you every thing that happens in my life kasi you're not just my Mom, you're also my best friend and my safe haven. Napapanatag ako kapag sinasabi ko sa'yo ang lahat. Yes, I want you to see how obedient and honest I am for you to trust me enough when it comes to my decisions. But also, I want you to feel that I love you. That I love you that much to tell you the truth even when I know that you won't like some of it. Kahit po alam ko na mapapagalitan o mapagsasabihan mo ako sa ibang pinaggagagawa ko o sinasamahan ko, I'd still tell you honestly how and why I did it because I love you to the point where I can't seem to lie to you. You don't deserve my lies. You never will. So I'm assuring you always that I'll be honest. I am even telling you who my crush is. LOL, medyo big deal siya but hey, you're my Mom. What's wrong with telling you who makes me blush whenever I see him, right? Haha! Just don't think that I'll be having a boyfriend soon 'cause I don't think that I'd have one this year. Ask me again in 2019. I don't tell you that I love you because we weren't really that sweet to each other, but I am making ways to make you feel it. Hahaha. Could you tell whenever I'm trying to? I hope so. I'll never leave you, Mommy. How could someone live if she'll leave her world? She'd probably die or be miserable until death.
🎶 Sometimes I just forget, say things I might regret. 🎶
I'm sorry if I make you upset, Mommy. Sorry po kasi pinapairal ko ang katigasan ng ulo ko at ginagawa lang ang gusto ko. Sorry kung nagtatampo ako sa'yo kapag hindi mo ako pinapayagan sa ibang gusto kong puntahan. Sorry kasi dumadagdag pa po ako sa mga nagpapasakit ng ulo mo when I should be comforting you kasi ang dami mo na ngang inaasikaso at iniisip. Please know that even when I'm being a brat, at the end of the day, magsisisi pa rin ako kasi I don't feel good kapag hindi tayo bati. :3
🎶 It breaks my heart to see you crying. 🎶
I'll never get used to see you crying and I don't even want to try. I don't even want to see you crying, more so, hear you sob because I always want you to be happy and comfortable. I have seen you cry more than the times that you allowed me to see. I also heard you cry and that's the most horrible sound that I have ever heard. I cried with you silently without you knowing. Alam ko po na hindi ko mapipigilan ang mga pag-iyak mo, that's normal. Tao ka na napapagod, nasasaktan at nalulungkot kaya hindi maiiwasang umiyak. Ang gusto ko lang po gawin ay damayan ka kapag dumating ang oras na iiyak ka. Even when I'm far from you, I want to comfort you and tell you how you mean to me even when you're flawed, even when you failed and even when you're broken beyond repair. I'd love you still. How could I not love the person who showed me how to love? You are the best example of a loving daughter and you inspired me to be one. After all, the best mother deserves the best daughter, so here I am!
🎶 I don't wanna lose you, I could never make it alone. 🎶
Natatandaan ko pa po ang sinabi mo noon na "Kapag ako namatay, kakagatin mo ang siko mo." Alam mo po bang simula noon, sinubukan kong kagatin ang siko ko? Hahaha. It's not because I want you gone, I just wanted to know kung kakayanin ko ba kapag namatay ka na. I'd probably be miserable my whole life. I can't imagine my life without you, I'd be lost forever. Here's a little secret; when I was young, nasa mga prayer ko ang mauna sana akong mamatay sa inyo ni Daddy kasi hindi ko kaya kapag iniwan ninyo ako. Haha. Pero nung iniwan naman ako ni Daddy, kaya ko naman pala, hindi naman kasi kami ganun ka-close at mas kailangan naman kasi kita at mas mahal. I dunno pero kahit mas spoiled ako kay Daddy and kahit you were always strict, I'd always choose you over Daddy. Strange. Strange kasi he's my blood and I thought that it'll always be thicker than water. Hmm. Maybe because you're the best among the rest of them. Kaya siguro hindi ko magawang sumama noon kay Daddy kahit mas sweet siya. HAHAHA. Alam ko po siguro deep inside me na mas mahal mo ako, mas ramdam ko siguro kahit hindi ko naririnig. I could never make it without you, Mommy. Don't leave me, ha? I'm a bit scared kapag naiisip ko po na magbi-birthday ka kasi tumatanda ka po. Thankful naman ako kay Lord kasi may isang taon kami ulit na kasama ka but still, it's freaking scary to think about you getting older. Hindi ko pa rin po kayang kagatin ang siko ko up 'til now and I probably won't be able to, kaya don't leave me, Mmy, ha?
🎶 You keep me standing tall, you helped me through it all. 🎶
When I'm insecure about myself, you'd always tell me that I could do it, except dancing. Sabi mo sa akin lagi, "Sus, kayang kaya mo 'yan." And I'd believe that I could do anything kasi kasasabi mo lang po eh. But when it comes to dancing, wala yata talaga kasi sinabi mo rin po eh. Haha. Whenever I'm having a hard time, you'd be there to guide me and tell me what to do. I appreciate all of that po.
🎶 I have always needed you, I could never make it alone. 🎶
I'll always need you kahit saan po ako mapunta kaya please be there for me always. I'll always be with you, too. I'll be your best friend and your daughter. I'll take care of you and I'll love you more because you deserve to be taken care of and to be loved more than you think you do. You're precious, Mommy.
You are my light.
🎶 Staring out at the rain with a heavy heart, it's the end of the world in my mind. 🎶
When I was a younger, I usually think that this world is better off without me because I shouldn't be here in the first place. I always thought that I was Mama and Papa's mistake, do tou know that Mommy? I thought that I ruined their lives but I never wanted any of this. I blamed them for being irresponsible and almost held a grudge against them for that. I always thought that I wasn't enough for anyone to stay just because Dad chose to leave me... He left us. Whatever, it's his loss.
🎶 Then your voice pulls me back like a wake up call. I've been looking for the answers somewhere. I couldn't see that it was right there. 🎶
Whenever I feel worthless, I think of you and I feel useful. I always wanted to be useful for you. Gusto ko po makatulong lagi sa'yo para hindi ka po masyadong mahirapan, I think that's the reason why I was born. I think I was born for you to become the best mother. If that was actually it, then I'm glad to be Mama and Papa's mistake just to be your ray of sunshine. I hope that I'm one of your rays of sunshine or even just the color orange in the rainbow of your life.
🎶 But now I know what I didn't know: because you live and breathe, because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help. 🎶
You're my one-man cheering squad. Your happiness is also my happiness. My success is invalid without you because all of it is because of you. Dearest Mommy, if some days I'll turn again into your bratty daughter, please know that at the end of those days, I am regretting it wholeheartedly but I'm just too shy to say sorry. Even when I'm shy to say sorry, I'd always try to make it up to you. I'll always appreciate how you defend me and how you take my side when you know that I'm right but please don't do that often because it makes me cry. Hahahaha. Just tell me how I'm tough to ge through it and just be there for me always, like forever. Haha!
🎶 Because you live, Mom, my world has twice as many stars in the sky. 🎶
I put so much into this letter for you because you deserve it. I'll leave all the tears and emotions that passed through me here, in this very letter, and hope that you'll feel how much you are loved by a person you named Anne Nicole. You make my world even brighter, Mommy. You make anyone's world brighter. Your love is so precious to the point that some people are scared of it because they know that it's too much for them to deserve.
Cheers to another 50 years ahead!
2 notes
·
View notes
Never Ever Did I Think I'd Have Something Like COVID-19 Happen in My Lifetime. Here's What We're Doing in Our Family.
Here we go! Buckle up everyone, because we’re in for quite a few weeks coming our way in order to try and knock this COVID-19 on it’s ass and out ouf existence. Never in my life did I ever think I’d see something like this happen. It’s really unbelievable, isn’t it? Seriously. Holy shit. It’s like something you might read about in a creepy science fiction book. Hard to believe this is what is actually happening.
Now that there is a ban on large gatherings, dining out and witnessing businesses shuttering for the foreseeable future, we’ve got to embrace being a homebody. If you know my family, you’ll instantly think this is what we do on a regular basis, so it doesn’t really have much impact on our daily lives. Sure, we go to work, school, run errands and have extra curricular activities just like everyone else. But all 5 of us really just are totally content being at home. Ever since I was a kid, as a matter of fact, I’ve always just liked staying home. Never felt the need to go someplace just to get out of the house. And that has spilled over to the rest of my family, since we haven’t left the house since last Thursday and not one of us is getting cabin fever. Isn’t that funny?
I think it all started back when I was a kid (I’m talking 35+ years ago) when stores and such weren’t open on Sundays. You had to find stuff to do at home. Be outside. Color. Draw. Watch Creature Double Feature. Play a board game (since electronics weren’t invented and neither were VCRs!) I never remember being bored. Ever. Actually, I can remember my mother telling me, even as an adult: “You’re never bored. That’s so good.” And I’m not. There’s always something to do at home. I attribute this trait to my father because if I ever, ever said I was bored, he would say, “I’ll find you stuff to do. I’ve got a nice little list here.” And he’d have a list of about 10 things that I had to do while he was at work. It was something like this:
Clean out all the inner windowsills in the house of bugs and debris with a sponge and bucket of soapy water. It’s all ready for you on the porch.
Paint the inside of the windowsills with the white paint that I’ve left in the basement with a dropcloth, stirrer and brush. Clean up everything when you’re done.
Pick up all sticks and branches that have fallen in the yard. Make a pile to use for starter wood.
Look up these 5 words in the dictionary. Write down their definition, use them in a sentence. I will quiz you when I get home.
Here are 5 Russian words you need to memorize.
And looking back, I love that he did that. Because it made me realize there was always stuff to do. And if I couldn’t come up with anything to do on my own, he would for me. Weed the driveway. Paint the porch. Mow the lawn. Hang up the laundry on the line. There was always something. And I think I have done the same for my kids because they too are never bored… and they are perfectly content just staying at home.
So now that schools are closed for the next (at least) 3 weeks, we’ve got some homeschooling to do. The teachers will be mailing packets home at some point as soon as they can. I imagine the mad scramble they must be dealing with since we’ve never experienced anything like this in the past. So in the meantime, I’ve got plenty planned to keep these kids going, starting at getting up at the regular time, getting dressed and having breakfast. I’ve got the dining room set up as a sort of school room for them, with computer, books, art supplies and workbooks that we will be using during this home time period. My oldest is in 6th grade so she’s pretty self sufficient since most of her lessons are on the iPad and she’s already been in communication with her teachers. Not much has changed for her, except the socialization, which I know she misses. The other two are in 4th and 2nd, so we’ve got flash cards, work books and that sort of thing ready to go. Since we do this sort of thing during summer break, it’s really not a big stretch for them to start doing this sort of learning.
Anyhow, that’s what we’ll be doing! I just hope that I can keep everyone fed and on track. I’m not making a big deal about this to the kids because I don’t want them panicked. Panic = bad. They’re more on the “this is a bit of an adventure, isn’t it?” sort of thinking. I think panic breeds panic and with the whole sickness and contagiousness of this COVID-19 happening outside, we need to make sure we teach our kids to keep calm, be resourceful, don’t hoard and lose our minds and just continue on a little bit of an altered path. It just makes everyone and everything more enjoyable.
I’ll share what we did over the weekend later. Not much… lots of art, swimming, creativity and that sort of thing but nothing earth shattering! I just wanted to make sure I shared what we’ve got going on with us in hopes that it not only inspires some of you, but makes the people who are starting to freak out a bit, freak out a little less. It’s gonna be fine. We’ll all be okay. We’ve just got to be smart, not infect each other, and keep a distance. Don’t worry, you’re not gonna die if you don’t get to the gym. The world won’t end because you can’t go to the mall. People have lived a long time without these luxuries and constant activities, and we will too.
My only couple of things that I’d like to suggest is this:
Go get some take out from the little restaurants and shops nearby. They’re struggling because this is their livelihood. They still need income. So go order some sandwiches and pick them up curbside. Tip generously if you are able. This will help the small businesses we love and need to make it through a tough economic time.
Check in on your elderlies. If you’ve got a nursing home nearby, have your kids draw some pictures or color in a coloring book and then mail a packet over to their director’s office. They can distribute to our older friends who are now not able to receive visitors and are in turn, very lonely and very scared.
Think of others beside yourself. In my past life, I had someone that would have said, “I feel fine. I’m healthy. I won’t get sick so I’m going to go about my life as usual.” Yeah, he was a selfish ass who cared about no one but himself. Care about others, like those who do have a weakened immune system, those who are older and are more susceptible. Just because you feel fine and you don’t think you’ll get sick, doesn’t mean others won’t.
Enjoy the down time. If you have to work from home and it’s frustrating and lonely, go for a walk outside, clear your head, get some fresh air. Download some audio books and start listening. Use your library website as a resource to borrow books online. Find a new hobby. Start knitting, drawing, model making, clay sculpting. Learn a new language. Take up bird watching. Play a board game with your kids.
Life will go on. We’ll get back to normal (even if it’s a new normal.) This too shall pass, just give it time and give yourself space (6 feet of space between you and anyone else, please.
And for God’s sake, stop hoarding groceries and supplies. The grocery stores will not close. Do not panic shop. Buy what you need and leave stuff for others. Don’t buy shit and then try and sell it on the internet to make a buck. That’s being a greedy asshole. And just work through your daily routine as best you can and try not to stress out too much. It’s not good for your immune system.
0 notes