#can you tell i took my aderall today

[caralara]

Music For A Sushi Restaurant is a big FUCK YOU to the Music Industry

Okay okay okay, I watched it and I felt the holy gay spirit overcome me, give me the energy and focus to do what I procrastinate forever on to do for my uni papers: write an analysis. Guess my studies are coming in handy after all! Kindly be reminded that, with all art analysis, this is subjective and your interpretation of it is as valid as mine <3

Let’s take a look at the characters first.

Characters

Squidrry: Harry plays the mermaid version of himself - we don’t know the backstory, but we know he got stranded on a beach and has a squid tail in place of legs. Who does that remind us of? Ah, yes, his mermaid tattoo: that beauty though has her whole vulva out, making her definitively female, which is interesting because mermaids often symbolise genderlessness and genderqueerness (mermaidsuk.org.uk), and in the case of his tattoo it could be interpreted as genderqueerness with special emphasis on femininity. The little mermaid is also clearly referenced - Harry has referenced her before wearing the shirt printed with “But Daddy I love him!” on the front and “this shirt will make you look gay” on the inside. Some elements from the storyline are also picked up in this music video: losing her voice, getting manipulated into contracts...

The Discoverer: it’s the guy who finds Harry on the beach, seizes him up and immediately recognises his worth. He pulls up his phone and calls just the guy who knows how to make this fish into money. Almost like an A&R guy.

The Manager: he seems to be owning Gill’s bar. He is the one who makes the decisions as to what to do with Harry, and he also seems to have a “soft spot” for Harry, or what I would call: a fetish. He obsesses over Harry’s tail, yet he thinks the real selling point is Harry’s voice. 

The Handler: he’s the manager’s dogsbody, he does everything to his bidding. He does all the dirty work, from crushing crabs to caring for Harry. He seems to be somewhat disgusted by Harry and his other-ness.

The Woman: she is in the background most of the time, does similar jobs as the Handler, but seems to be higher up than him. She almost seems like a prop, as she does not have a proper characterisation besides being there.

The Boy: is young, handsome and wears shiny clothes. 

The Crowd: a diverse group of people that are not necessarily very entertained by Harry’s performance

Let’s go through the music video scene by scene

Shots

When The Discoverer finds Harry, he towers over the viewer, showing he’s in control & he object he looks at is at his mercy. He sees that Harry is something special, but what he sees is only the way he looks, his other-ness, not his talent. He hasn’t heard him sing yet. Interestingly, Harry is fully bearded (lol) when they find him. Is this a reference to him right now? Or is this simply a tool to show he’s been at sea for a long time (Eroda continued)?

Next we see a red crab. Is this a dig at duplishitty and the whole Sebastian drama some months ago? I remember tons of Ariel memes at the time when Harry’s character turned out to be actually called Sebastian and the larries dragged that fic through the mud all over twitter. It was glorious. Ergo a dig at hetharries’ image of him? Don’t ruin my fantasy? Your fantasy is our #1 priority?

Then we see a dirtyass industrial kitchen: it is grimey, stuff happens here that the people who enjoy their meals do not want to know about - just like in the music industry. If the people knew how bad it gets behind the literal curtain - would they still be as happy throwing their money at it? As soon as they get the call, the engine starts: the well oiled machinery of the music industry

everything is documented right from the beginning in flashing snapshots: Harry’s discovery on the beach, where he gets ‘made’ into who he will be the kitchen, closeup of what makes him special (his tail), meeting all the important people in this world. Everyone wants to be in the shot showing off their catch (the Manager at his tail, showing it off, the Woman close to his head (stunting? or maybe AnnMarie from PR who doubled as their mental health counselor, whispering into his ear?)). Is the Kitchen The X-Factor, where he proves himself and wraps them all around his finger with his siren voice? There he sees what they’re doing to the ones that are like him but don’t stand out: they’re violently cut up, produced into quick money. It is a literal competition to survive - almost like the auditions.

The crew is almost scared or weirded out at first but also entranced - Harry distracts them while he surprises them with showing up behind him or next to them, catching them off guard while taking everything in with wide eyes: he’s a quick learner, he soaks up how this world works immediately. Then the handler gets him with a bribe of fish: they dangle it in front of his face, and it’s what he wants.

As soon as he takes the bait it transitions to him performing in the venue itself. We see him with cut hair and a fancy robe, showing the Manager and Handler what he can offer. Is this Harry having to prove himself, again, as a solo artist with HS, now that he’s performing in the actual venue, where there will be eventually an audience? Or is this still proving himself with One Direction?

We see a montage of them making him feel like a star, accommodate his otherness, his tail, in a way that he truly feels like a star, and there’s so much glitter everywhere, making everything sparkly. Very interesting here: the towels they use to hydrate his tail, the thing that makes him so interesting and enticing, to keep it healthy and happy, are blue green = could be that he feels that at first they humoured Larry Stylinson - until 2012 it was not a problem and they even used the “bromance” for marketing - until they don’t anymore. While Harry’s eyes and ears are  plugged “for his own good” to relax and be distracted, you can see the handler starting to resent Harry for having to take care of Harry’s weird tail, and if he doesn’t check on him he stops actually taking care of it. In the meantime, the Manager is weirdly obsessed with the tail. Harry starts to wear a pearl necklace - the pearl is a widely recognised symbol of genderquerness (the oyster, that produces the pearl changes its sex at least once in its lifetime, usually start out male and become female).

again, everything is documented in snapshots: Harry and how the people around him feed him and take care of him

Harry becomes accustomed to the lifestyle and acts like a diva - or does he? He asks for tea which he uses to gargle, taking care of the one thing he knows is keeping him alive: his voice. He has the Manager give him a manicure while sitting in the women’s dressing room, a little white women’s chemise hung up behind him on the wall ready for him to slip into. He starts wearing sunglasses: he is shielding himself more, and he wears even more pearls, they’re on the sunglasses too now. He becomes more flamboyantly genderqueer and has the Manager help him express it? There’s even more pearly waiting for him to be worn on the table in front of him. More, more, more pearls!

He doesn’t like the music they want him to sing. But the music video synchronises with the song just in that moment and has Harry say: “whatever you want” - even though he doesn’t like the songs he will sing them, because that’s what the manager wants - and otherwise he might end up dead. In return he wears even bigger feathery gowns and boas. Pearl sunglasses are a thing now. He has glitter confetti in his hair. He is fabulous.

even though it makes it look like he’s treated like a diva, he’s still in the dingy diner with loads of filing boxes. These boxes over boxes are filled with - contracts? He is with The Discoverer in this scene. Is this Simon?

the Manager takes care of him in order to make money off of him, literally grooms him and enjoys lubing up his tail a little too much - there’s a shot that focuses on the wedding band he wears on his finger. The way the mv is shot, there is a broad sexualisation of Harry’s tail, constantly filling the frame, lubed up, glistening, primed = Harry gets sexualised, his most sexual, peculiar features on display all the time to get more people interested and enticed. And although the Handler sees that the Manager fetishises Harry’s tail, he doesn’t say anything, only judges. 

soon, Harry has dark circles underneath his eyes that he treats with patches. He is tired? Exhausted? But keeps going while becoming more impatient with everyone around him.

Another round of snapshots: food/seeing what happens to people like him that don’t stay relevant (they get chopped up and eaten), there’s beer & drinks, pretty surroundings like the coral throne for him, and a prawn dangles from string: more bribe? It’s always in front of him, even when performing

then he is finally on stage: he’s happy, wearing a pearl crown and is loaded with pearl necklaces, sings into the microphone and does his iconic whale. It’s where he’s happy. But there’s a close up shot of his birdcage tattoo = he’s still trapped and caged.

There’s a closeup of two cherries in a martini glass: Cherry, Stunts, Alcohol? Both are parts of the world he’s living in: the show biz.

when he’s performing in front of the audience, the people are not super into the performance, the ones the Manager so excitedly wants to sell Harry to don’t care too much about him or his performance, just want to watch the peculiar creature writhe. There’s a disparity between what the Manager thinks the audience want and what the Crowd actually want. The Boy asks to touch his tail (= his most sexualised feature), and Harry slaps him for it. Did people want to have Harry and he never gave himself away like that?

more snapshots: of credit cards in cash machines and cash: the Manager makes a lot of money off of Harry, the way he rejects the Boy, his performance, the musicians, him singing - it all gets documented every step of the way.

At the height of his career, his voice leaves - a nightmare coming true. The lights turn off and it gets cold, as soon as he can’t offer what the Manager thinks is profitable (his voice), his previously praised feature (his tail, his otherness) won’t save him. The Woman gets ready to dice him by sharpening her knife - she’ll take him down, too. The Handler will help cooking him, no questions asked, no emotions shown.

The Manager actually reminisces about him Harry and misses him, even though he gave the go to kill him and make him into sushi: he doesn’t see that he was the one to make the decision and instead blames the market / capitalism. Still fetishises him in retrospect: he doesn’t actually miss Harry, but what value he had for him: profit and getting his fetish satisfied (he’s swirling his fingers in the vaseline). 

Even of the process of destroying him they try to squeeze out a last little profit which they document in snapshots

I think it is an incredibly interesting choice of Harry’s to set this whole music industry metaphor in a dingy little diner lounge instead of the flashy, beautiful world that is usually chosen to show just how enticing show biz is. He isn’t trying to justify why he fell for the bait, he is way past that - he wants to remind us that behind all the glitter and beautiful lights, it is a dingy, creepy shithole. He also didn’t choose to have a beautiful, shimmery fish tail, the way we love seeing on mermaids, and have also been sexualised with their curves and the way they move, but a squishy, slimey squid tail - it’s supposed to intrigue the viewer just as much as it did the Crew and the Crowd with a little bit of disgust. Which, again, is incredibly interesting and telling as to how Harry sees his “otherness,” and - let me go out on a limb here - his queerness perceived. It also means that he cannot move around in this world just as he is - he has to be helped, carried, hauled, driven by the people around him: in this case, his Handler and Manager and Discoverer. He is dependent if he wants to survive in that world (the music industry).

 Most of the characters in this music video are men - they are all after profit, and the main trait of every single character is that they very evidently just don’t care about anything except money (profit) and sex (fetish).

It is a very clear condemnation of what the music industry is like even if you look only a little closer. 

I love that he doesn’t show himself as the Saint Victim, while still (thank god) recognising he was and is indeed a victim of the profit machine - he shows how much he likes getting pampered and enjoys the lifestyle, acting a little diva (although I would take that with a shovel of salt - Harry is known to be unfairly hard on himself and self deprecating). It still seems to be though how he sees himself there.

Another note worthy part is the audience. To me, it shows the disparity between what the Manager character thinks the crowd wants and what the crowd actually wants. And the best (and most sad) part is: neither of them are better. The Manager thinks it’s his voice and performance, while he’s privately fetishising his tail, while the audience just wants to watch something happen, in that moment a weird person with a squid tail singing, the next day said squidperson being chopped up and served to them as sushi. They’re there for the spectacle, not the person. So neither of them are good - and it makes me sad to think that’s how Harry perceives his audiences (is he wrong, though? At least about the majority of his fans?)

I also adore just how fully packed the whole music video is with his genderqueerness. You literally cannot ignore it - from being a trans symbol itself to the accumulation of mountains of pearls to the women’s clothes to him being in the women’s dressing room. If you don’t see it by now I really can’t help you.

To me, this is such a power move - he shows just how horrible these people have been in the name of the profit, the way they see themselves (nostalgic, missing their abuse victim?!) and at the same time show them for who they really are: sad little grimey dingey people in some shithole etablissement. 

I cannot tell you with how pleased I am with this music video - Sushi for a Music Restaurant has been one of my faves off the album since the day I heard it at the listening party, and to see it come to life exactly along the lines of how I interpreted it as well as being incredibly surprising and clever is just - chef’s kiss. Thank you Harry for this masterpiece.

[emieee]

hi um im scared i need comfort, so badically i take aderall for my ADD but uts fast acting so i only take it when i need it and when i got it the v first time i got v sick but i got used to it yk my body adjusted anyways last time i didnt take it for 3 days i took it and got v sick and now ive been on break for almost 2 whole weeks and just took a pill to do my schoolwork and im already having anxiety/sensory issues today and im v scared

u might want to talk to a doctor about this if you can. you should be perfectly ok with professional help

for now, it might be a good idea to tell a trusted adult and see if they can help you if you can’t get to a doctor right away

[ship-it-as-you-will]

Y'all, how have I been living like this?

So this is really the only place I can think of to write this all down. For the 3 years since my official ADHD diagnosis, I haven't been in school due to having had 2 back surgeries and many other priorities. During that time, it wasn't too hard to just let my mind wander and do whatever it wanted. Wanna clean? Gunna get halfway into cleaning then get distracted by something you haven't seen in weeks cuz you never clean your room. Got an anxiety issue over something you can't control? Welcome to hyperfixating on it for weeks. Not too hard to manage though when I've got bigger fish to fry.

But now that I'm at a point where I've healed, both physically and quite a bit mentally, I've been noticing more about how my ADHD affects my life. I'm back in school now and sitting in classes, all I can think about is what I want to leave and go do, or about whatever podcast or show I'm hyperfixating on that i would rather be watching or listening to, and not absorbing much material. Its better than it used to be the first time I tried college though! I've found little ways to simplify my life so I'm not trying to balance so much, I've pared my schedule down to a good level of classes and credits, I've found extracurriculars I feel comfortable focusing on for longer than 5 minutes, and I'm better at remembering to write things down cuz I know I forget a lot.

The worst part about not remembering things is not remembering to make doctors appointments cuz I 'don't have the time' when in reality, I just don't have a good concept of how time passes and therefore don't think I have enough when I really coulda done it 2 weeks ago when I had that day off. But! I finally made it into my doc. For years I've tried avoiding medication, finding ways to simplify and plan, but with going back to school, it just wasn't working.

So I got put on 5mg of Aderall twice a day and as the title of the post asks, how have I lived like this?? I took my first dose yesterday and I could tell as soon as it kicked in because time actually made sense for once. It didn't feel like chunks of time were slipping away from me every time I blinked. And today at school was doses 2 and 3! I think other than my first class this morning right after I took it, its the most focused I've ever been in my life. I got projects actually started and was able to leave one and move on to another more easily in ceramics, I could more easily focus on my body instead of my brain in yoga, I'm just astounded. The only part that sucks so far, is coming down tonight. I can tell when its wearing off cuz I can hear my brain again and it feels like dealing with a sugared up 5-year-old; questions about EVERYTHING. Its giving me the worst headache and again, like the title, how have I been living like this?

Moral of the story kids, if you think medication would be a good idea for you and you have a diagnosis, please go see your doctor and start slow. If you don't have a diagnosis but think any of this applies to you too, please go see a psychiatrist if you're able to, I know not everyone can and you're still valid. But don't let medication stigma keep you from trying something with your doctor that could benefit your life in a huge way, just communicate if you think its not working and work for a solution with your doctor. Never start or stop any medication without talking to your doctor, please.