#caught myself thinking abt how unhealthy it is my bad

[colliecan]

idk how to articulate it but when i think about it, the way the concept of being triggered applies to substance abuse is weird. i think bc it presupposes that any consumption of drugs, by u or by others, is bad. def not to say i want more alc ads. when triggered is used to refer to things that actually stringer stressful emotions in their own right are things that u use drugs dangerously(?) to cope, i think that makes sense, but talking about just seeing drugs being a trigger it doesn’t feel like the same phenomenon? like. peer pressure, direct or indirect, can def encourage someone to use, but i think calling the actual contact with drugs a trigger undermines that it seems the only way u’d use that peer pressure to use drugs dangerously(?) to cope is if u already got things u rly need to cope with. i feel like it teaches people that it’s the recognizing pain and the act of soothing themselves which are the bad parts of drug use. speaking for myself, when i was in aa and didn’t even wanna look at alc, it felt like i was teaching myself to be paranoid about doing something unhealthy if i even looked at alc the wrong way. and i spent a lot of nights holing myself as much as i could to wait til it was 2am so i knew i couldn’t get anything to drink, but like the point is my efforts were put into avoiding alc rather than seeking alternative coping mechanisms. i feel like aa indirectly addresses this by saying to call ppl every day or esp when ur struggling, but it’s framed as ‘so u don’t get the idea to drink’ as opposed to directly promoting it as a healthier coping mechanism. bc it rly helps ur mental health to talk to people instead of be alone with ur thoughts, who’da thunk. but i didn’t understand that then and prob still couldn’t apply that now bc i’m too anxious to get groceries much less have a convo with essentially still a stranger in the middle of a breakdown. basically harm reduction and explicitly relying on others to help cope in healthier ways >>>>>>> focusing on maintaining a Pure Sobriety at the cost of ur mental health. the thing that’s prob a big part of why u use so much in the first place. also i feel kinda weird describing how addicts use drugs as Dangerous, bc for a lot of people it’s just health risk that might not’ve caught up with them yet, so that feels like slapping cigs out of people’s hands telling them they’re dangerous. or maybe it’s something that does work for coping and isn’t destructive to ur health but it still makes u unproductive/ not safe to be productive (like bc u don’t wanna risk driving to work high or ur job involves heavy machinery or something) enough that u struggle financially, in that case it seems that the consequences of Addiction are completely social in origin and don’t have to exist like that, like at that point ur asking someone to feel worse by giving up their main coping method just so they don’t become homeless. idk what search terms i’d use to look up stuff talking abt... idek what the theme between these are, ‘an analysis of the concept of addiction at a societal/systemic level’?? idk but i want to know so i can read more and not have to post weird posts about not knowing thing that i wanna think about

[sage-greenery]

theres just 

something

about milkvan that really 

grinds my gears 

[chryzure-archive]

hmm… for any of the 3 ships or all of them if u wanna!!! have u ever thought abt what a sort of “bad end” or worst case scenario would b for them? how would they deal with losing each other, not necessarily by death. is there any point where they go through a tense period of time in their relationship?

I’m jst going to answer for ChrysiJacks and ChrysiGil because I’m sleepy, BUT THESE R SUCH GOOD QUESTIONS!!!

ChrysiJacks

“Bad end” for Chrysi and Jacks is definitely Jacks getting stuck back in his card again. Chrysi takes his place in the card so he can get out, but there was a bit of a… I guess curse? More like the card’s magic was running thin, so it could only take one switch—so now Jacks has his one true love stuck in a card because he was stupid and it trapped in the first place. He takes it upon himself to find some way to get her back, but… it’s not going so well, and he hurts so badly. He misses his princess :((((

OH, JACKS DOES NOT TAKE LOSING CHRYSI WELL. He reverts a bit back to being impulsively cruel, but it’s all tinged with his grief over Chrysi. He almost kills all those bystanders in my Last Apprentice AU, simply because he can no longer sense Chrysi’s heartbeat next to his. Chrysi, on the other hand, becomes reckless. She’s on a new self-destruction route :’) I actually have an AU similar to the one with Gil, where Jacks pretends he forgot Chrysi to protect her, and then he has to watch her drive herself into the ground. It breaks his heart—but what’s worse is that Azure’s there to try and help Chrysi. Jacks hates that he’s not the one that’s there for her. 

The beginning of their relationship is… very tense. Jacks is still caught up on Tella, Chrysi’s still caught up on Azure, and both of them keep on hurting each other over it. Add to the fact that Jacks hasn’t admitted to himself that he has feelings for Chrysi and he proceeds to use her in his schemes, and you can imagine how the beginning of their relationship is… very, very messy. I love it. It’s so fun to write. 

ChrysiGil

I’ve been hurting myself by thinking of my bad end for Chrysi and Gil lately, actually 😭😭😭 Where they wait for Oz and Alice to come back for the 100 years, and once they’re all reunited, Gil’s body begins to break down. He holds onto life longer than Vincent did, but he’d hiding the fact that he’s dying from Chrysi. When she finds out, she’s heartbroken—because this is the second time her lover knew he was dying and didn’t tell her. One morning she wakes up to find Gil gone, because he… died. Disintegrated. Oz and Alice wake up to Chrysi screaming. 

OBVIOUSLY NOT ACTUALLY IN MY CANON, BECAUSE IT KILLS ME, BUT IT’S KINDA FUN TO THINK ABOUT…. :(((

If Gil were to lose Chrysi, he’d be so lost… Like, he’s viewed her as a constant ever since Oz disappeared, so to have her suddenly not be there in any capacity leaves him feeling listless. He ends up mothering Oz a lot more and he shoves his feelings down in a very unhealthy way (still thinking about how he reacted to Elliot dying by not letting himself cry over it… Gil, honey….). By the time his feelings fully sink in, he’s a shell of a person. 

If Chrysi were to lose Gil… there’s a level of maturity to her losing Gil, I think, since she and Gil were more of parents for Oz and Alice, so she can’t let herself become reckless, self-destructive, impulsive—like she would if she were to lose Azure or Jacks. She has to put her feelings on hold in order to ensure everything is alright with Oz and Alice. Unfortunately, Oz and Alice care about Chrysi too, so they do the same with her. The three end up crying together a lot :((

YEPPP, it’s very tense for the beginning bit (again), mostly because Gil keeps running out on Chrysi in order to protect Oz, and he’s not clear with the fact that he also cares about Chrysi. Whenever he attempts to protect Chrysi/nurse her back to health, she keeps pushing him away as a result, which just… makes everything frustrating. Oz is like “ENOUGH. MAKE UP AND KISS RIGHT NOW.”

[lostmystyx]

Pls enlighten me with ur kankri Hot Takes I don't know alot about the dancestors 🙏🙏🙏

buddy i know EVERYTHING about the dancestors. everything. and im wrong about nothing. i have read meenahbound at least ten times and that is an underestimate and not a joke. i have read every single fucking word kankris ever spoken, even the tiny shit, multiple fucking times, because my dedication to my craft is nothing if not thorough and torturous. ive read every goddamn character analysis there is on kankri, ive seen all the posts, ive read all the fics (not rlly i love myself), and i can tell you for a fact that everything everyone tells you about him is fuckint wrong. i started studying his character because i was mad abt how ooc ppl made him and i just got madder. i learned how to write him. i perfected it. and i havent done it in years because i hate him and his fans so fucking much. the world is not READY for my kankri takes. they do not DESERVE them.

but i love it when ppl ask me things, so for you, anon, i will take the time to divulge some of my secrets. first off, kankri is a bonafide grade a fucking asshole, hes ableist and sexist and abt every -ist under the sun, and he hides biting remarks under layers of political correctness and ranting so that by the time he insults you youre too zoned out to notice. that said, hes also not an outright asshole, hes not blunt with his meanness, hes not straight up about it, and people who just make him an uncaring dick are ALSO wrong. its an extremely thin line to walk and everyone is falling off like a toddler on a tightrope. he cares, deeply, but hes also fed up with everyone around him (and for good reason, because all of the other dancestors are ALSO massive assholes). he cares about being pc more than he cares about the actual issues hes "fighting for," he makes some good points, and he also makes a lot of bad ones. sometimes hes right, and sometimes hes just so caught up in what i believe boils down to a form of self-loathing via extreme policing of himself and others that he says and does the stupidest things known to man that make me want to cut my own dick off and staple it to my forehead so he can call me a whore and a transphobe.

second, hes capable of not ranting. like, he can carry a normal conversation where he talks a normal amount. it happens. inevitably someone will say something that gets him going, but you know. not every sentence has to be an essay.

third, oh my fucking god if one more person writes some fucking shit where hes "cured" of being celibate i am going to print out and laminate cards that say "youre an aphobe" to pass out to the masses. kankri isnt aroace, hes clearly in love with latula and just has self-imposed celibacy on himself possibly bc he thinks its gonna keep him from mucking up his quads, but even though hes not, and even if he was, the way people handle his celibacy is disgusting and offensive. if you dont want to write him celibate just dont make him celibate and pretend that never happened. otherwise it plays into the "ace ppl just havent found the right dick yet" thing, which iS RLLY OFFENSIVE. this is like. one of my number one kankri pet peeves. ill kill someone over this. the sexually repressed kankri hc i constantly see sucks and is objectively wrong anf im going to rip the head off of the next person i see doing it like a rabid fucking dog.

im going to make this my last note on this, bc i already have a headache just thinking about kankri, but the way ppl characterize his interpersonal relationships is bad. its bad. his relationship with latula is a mirror of karkats with terezi, nothing more, nothing less. his relationship with porrim is fucking bad and unhealthy. porrim babies and infantilizes him and regularly crosses his boundaries, and i t hink (?? dont quote me on this one its been a minute) the only time he rlly gets angry and blows up at someone is bc porrims does something he didnt consent to. at the same time, hes rlly rude to porrim and says loads of bigoted shit to her and treats her like shit. hes super ableist towards mituna, thinks hes an idiot, and treats him like shit. he doesnt really have a good relationship with anyone, because everyone hates him and he hates everyone and all of the dancestors are lions in a cage without enrichment, pacing back and forth and wondering how much longer they can stand each other before one of them snaps and kills the rest (oh wait! damara and meenah kind of did already! and kurloz is actively plotting a second death!)

anyway yeah. this is less of hot takes and more of a list of my pet peeves but yeah. i hate kankri, actually, i think hes the fucking worst, and i obsessively know everything about him out of spite.

disclaimer tho: i like all homestuck charas as charas like its cool its neat theyre cool n i hate kankri like you hate a villain but also i hate the fandoms idea of kankri and i hate kankri fans and if youre going to comment on this post defending ur hcs dont

[macbookpro-hard-drive]

control [jeremy h. x squipped!reader] pt.3

did you know that tumblr no longer has those lil.. lines that i liked to separate my notes from my fic with? i didnt. until now. unbelievable.

SO NOW I HAVE TO SUPPLY MY OWN and hopefully this is fine

anyway. ive been... dead for a while. summer destroyed all motivation to do Anything, but ive been forcing myself to write on and off and this part feels... shorter than it should be, but

anyway! i am alive! i have plans! i have things to write! some of them are never going to be on this blog bc theyre original works, but im always open to talk abt them skdfhdsfh

warnings: uhhhhhhh vague manipulation, and i think thats it? just general. squip. yea.

         The last time you had seen Michael Mell as a friend had been the beginning of sophomore year. He and Jeremy sat on either side of you in his basement, clutching controllers and halfheartedly playing video games. Soda went untouched and unopened, snacks left alone, and too many times had Jeremy lost on games he knew like the back of his hand. The air had been stiff and uncomfortable, and the feeling had seeped into your nerves and bones to make your stomach turn at the thought of staying longer. Jeremy wasn’t quite there, and Michael was trying too hard to be extra present to make up for it. He became doting on the two of you - quick to refill a snack bowl that had barely been touched with Jeremy following him out of the basement. That was when you found your phone and called your parents, asking if they could come pick you up - bullshitting some excuse about how you felt sick. When Michael came down, he saw you packing up your things with a half-assed apology and a shitty acting job before you tore up the stairs and nearly rammed into Jeremy in the process. Your chest had tightened as you pushed past him with a quick apology and went to wait on the front steps outside for your mom to come get you.

          That had been the beginning of the end. After that day, Jeremy had slowly stopped talking to you almost completely. Michael had tried to patch things up, to keep things going, and then he just stopped abruptly. To make things worse, you had broken down at school a few weeks after everything went silent, because you’d been alone. You wiped at your face roughly with the sleeve of your hoodie, and left the bathroom. Barely seconds after you had turned the corner to head to class, you ran straight into him - headphones on and head down - only for his gaze to find yours the moment you stumbled back. He opened his mouth to speak, and you stumbled through a rough, shitty apology before you pushed past him and onward to your class. And then you avoided him purposefully, not wanting to address that little moment of weakness you had.

          And now you were sitting in front of him, eyes red and tears streaming down your cheeks as you struggled to find your voice. Your back pressed into cold metal, the lockers clanging behind you as you pulled away and tried to say something, anything to explain yourself. But Michael just stared at you, uncertain about what to say to you. Your legs were like stone, almost as if something was keeping you from darting away, from finding a safer place to land and cry and get over the tears forced from your body.

          “[y/n]?” Michael finally said, still staring at you. The lights overhead gleamed off his glasses and headphones as he pulled them down and around his neck, music loud enough for you to hear. He gave you a quick once-over, his attention now fully on you. “You okay?”

          You went to nod only for another sob to overtake you instead. “I don’t know why I’m crying,” you admitted after a moment, voice shaking and broken. And it was sort-of true.

          “Are you sure?” He said, “hey, I, uh, I know I sorta stopped talking to you and that was kinda shitty but... I’m still here if you need someone to talk to, alright?” After a moment, he tacked on another thought, “do you need a ride home?”

         Immediately, you didn’t want to say yes. It didn’t feel right to. But you’re already nodding before you can debate anything further. “Yeah,” you said slowly at first, reaching up and wiping at your eyes. Realization hit you quick. Your bag. “Shit.”

         “What’s wrong?”

         “I, uh, kinda left my bag in the auditorium.” You hesitated to step away - you didn’t really want to go back and make an excuse to leave, to let anyone see you with puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks. “Michael... can you-”

         “On it,” he gave you a small, two-finger salute, “I’ll be back in a sec!”

         As Michael took off down the hallway, you felt a pit develop in your stomach while he disappeared around the corner. Nothing felt right. You looked around for a moment, acutely aware of how silent everything had gone. When your SQUIP materialized in front of you, you avoided its gaze as you wrapped your arms tighter around yourself for a moment. The world felt a little colder, a little dimmer, and everything was off. The sound of Michael’s approaching footsteps minutes later played the steady beat for your incoming guilt-induced breakdown, and yet the boy smiled at you - as if nothing was wrong. Maybe that was because it looked like nothing was wrong. The strap of your bag was tossed over his shoulder, bouncing against his own backpack, and yet he looked at you like you were still friends.

        “Thanks,” you finally said as you reached for your bag.

        Michael stepped back, “I’ve got it,” he said with a smile, “don’t worry.”

       You let your arm fall back to your side, only to then shove your hands into your pockets. “Thanks,” you said, avoiding eye contact for a moment.

       The walk to Michael’s car was mostly quiet, with concerned glances thrown your way every now and then - that, when you caught then, were met with insecure smiles at the situation he’d been pulled into. Which.... frankly, threw you off a bit. Michael had always been the one who was better with all this feelings shit - you and Jeremy had the unhealthy habit of bottling everything up. And now Michael walked in step with you, still warm as ever - and still wearing that damn red hoodie you swore he showered in, but it still made you smile because of course Michael still took good care of it. When you hesitated for half a step upon seeing his P.T. Cruiser, he looked back at you before you shot him an uneasy smile and continued towards the passenger side. One of his moms must have given it to him - whether for his birthday or as a gift for passing his driver’s test, you weren’t sure. But the seats were still well-worn, a Pac-Man sticker stuck on the head-rest of the driver’s seat that Michael had stuck there when bored out of his mind. It was worn with age, like you’d expect it to be, but you suppressed a small smile at the fact it was still there.

      If the walk to Michael’s car had been quiet (with the occasional snippit of Michael saying something about how he still feels bad about what happened between the three of you, or about how he’s kinda sorry about the walk to the back of the parking lot) then the ride to your house was dead silent. Music flooded through the car speakers, Michael’s phone resting in your lap due to him pushing it in your direction and telling you to play whatever you want, and his attention was fully on the road - the sound of his phone’s GPS spitting out directions every so often to guide him. You watched out the window, a small sense of dread resting in your stomach the entire way, and for some reason... you felt sick.

      When the car started to roll to a stop, Michael reached up and turned the music down. “Hey, uh, you still have my number, right?”

      You blinked at him for a moment, before pulling out your phone. “I, uh, think so?” You opened your contacts, flipping through them, “I don’t think I deleted it or anything-”

      “Good,” he smiled at you, “if you ever wanna hang out, I’m, uh, pretty free since Jeremy’s busy with this whole.. play... thing.” He paused for a moment, only to follow it up quickly with “I mean if you aren’t doing anything, since - I dunno, you aren’t apart of the cast so-”

      “Okay,” you cut him off, “yeah, sure - I’m only painting the set for it, so... I’ll probably try to do that during lunch.”

      “I, uh,” he began, nodding towards your jacket, “I like your pin. Have you ever played the old shit?” When you shook your head, he was filled with excitement. “Dude. You have to come over then. I’ve got the classic Zelda stuff if you wanna play.”

      Running a hand through your hair, you just sort-of nodded in response as you opened the car door, swinging your bag over your shoulder. “Thanks for the ride, Michael.”

      You closed the car door, taking a few steps back as he pulled off and drove away, before you turned and head up to your house - pausing to notice your parent’s cars were missing. Right. Letting your bag fall down to your elbow, you began to fish through it to find your keys tucked away in the bottom of your bag, and you nearly sent the contents of your bag spilling when you went to pull it back to your shoulder. But with lightning reflexes that weren’t your own, you managed to snap into action and pull it shut before anything could spill - and when you looked up, your SQUIP was standing before you.

      Huh. “... Thank you?” You zipped your bag back up, letting yourself into your house.

      “You should stick to hanging out with Michael,” your SQUIP said, watching you head into your bedroom

      Dropping your backpack onto your bed, you shrugged at the idea as you began to search for your homework. “I mean, sure, he’s still a cool guy-”

      “Michael is close to Jeremy,” it said, as if the fact wasn’t obvious, “therefore, if you get closer to Michael, you’ll get closer to Jeremy.”

      You stopped. “Isn’t that using Michael?”

      “You were friends with him before. It’s rekindling your friendship that just so happens to mean you’ll rekindle something with Jeremy.” It said, “you aren’t manipulating him.”

      You shook your head, setting one binder down and searching for another. “I don’t really like this,” you said, “I don’t want do hurt Michael or anything-”

      “Why would you be hurting him by being friends with him?”

      Thinking it over, you finally nod a little. “... I guess you’re right,” you looked down at the textbook in your hands. “It just feels wrong-”

      “Don’t feel, [y/n],” it stepped beside you, turning your head to meet it’s steely gaze. “Just listen. I’m here to help you.”

      Reluctantly, you nod. “... Right.”

      So you did. The next day, Rich fell into step beside you - inviting you to stop acting like a loner and to sit with him and Jake and the rest of his friends. You debated taking him up on the offer for a moment, only to spot Michael sitting alone in a corner of the cafeteria. You declined immediately, not looking back as you crossed the room to join Michael. That became your routine - sliding into a seat near Michael, talking about video games and whatnot, and occasionally letting the topic slip to Jeremy as Michael had the habit of occasionally venting about the boy.

       “I mean,” he started one day, pointing a fork in your direction, “you remember how he is. He’s just... so in love with her,” he shook his head, “and, I mean, yeah, it’s Christine, but he could, y’know... not abandon me every day.”

      You nodded, “I’m sure he’s just blinded by his crush, Michael.”

      He nodded, stabbing into his burrito bowl, “I know...” He trailed off, looking away for a moment, “I just... he’s excited about this and - and that’s great! He’s actually sort-of talking to Christine!” He smiled back at you, “every time he talks about her, he gets that stupid look on his face. He practically has heart eyes, [y/n].” He paused for half a beat, “but... y’know, I can’t blame him. He keeps talking about how she’s been helping him with his lines, and that she’s so passionate about theatre...”

      You couldn’t help but smile a little at that. From your limited interactions with Christine, she seemed to be a complete sweetheart. No wonder Jeremy liked her.

      “In time, he’ll like you more.” It nudged it’s way in between your thoughts, “as long as you do what I tell you to. I’ve got a plan-”

      Resisting the urge to roll your eyes, you busied yourself with your lunch. “Sure, buddy.”

      The stern silence that responded to your tone spoke volumes. But like a knife through butter, Michael’s voice washed away the slight tension you’d begun to feel: “hey, do you still draw?”

      You perked up at the question, turning your full attention back to Michael, answering with a far-too chipper “yes!” You immediately forced yourself to calm down, “yeah, I, uh, I still do. My art’s changed a lot, though,” you kind-of smiled, “I have a, uh, pretty decent following online now. I’m just glad I get to do what I love.”

      Snagging his phone from his pocket, Michael went silent for a moment as he opened up his tumblr app. “There’s this artist that Jeremy and I discovered - they seem really fucking cool, dude, and they seem like someone you’d like-”

      And then you were met with your own artwork, tagged with your online alias, and you had to resist the urge to immediately spill that he’d found you online after you remade your account. You could feel your SQUIP’s fingers gripping your shoulder, and you bit your tongue as you nodded, giving some half-hearted answer about how they seem cool, sure, before wondering why it had stopped you from saying anything.

      You didn’t address it until later. Halfway through your homework, you looked up and pushed yourself away from your desk. “Hey.” You spoke aloud. 

      Within seconds, your SQUIP proceeded to materialize in front of you. “You’re speaking aloud-”

      “I know,” you said with a hand wave, “my parents are still out. What was up with that earlier?”

      “You shouldn’t go around saying things-”

      “But it’s Michael,” you refuted, “I trust him. Besides - wouldn’t telling him that get me closer to Jeremy?”

      It’s cold gaze made you shrink under pressure. “I have a plan. [y/n]. If you want to get Jeremy, you have to obey.”

      “What about what I want?” You forced yourself to stand your ground, staring at the figure before you, “what if I want to do things differently?”

      “You bought me for a reason.” It crossed its arms, watching you, “this is what you want, though. That’s why I’m here: to help you get what you want. And what you want is Jeremy. I’m going to help you get Jeremy, but I can’t do that if you don’t trust me, [y/n].”

      Pressing your lips together, you mustered up a weak nod. Right. “Sorry,” you finally said, “I just - I’m scared it’s not going to work.”

       “It will.” 

        When Michael invited you over the next day, you were more than happy to take him up on the offer. He began to reason it as well, Jeremy’s at play practice, before he ended up dropping the facade and admitting he still kind-of missed you and that it’d been a while since he’d kicked your ass at video games (and, fuck, the glimmer in his eyes when he said that was enough to make you agree, and you realized in that moment just how much you actually missed Michael). So he drove you to his house, letting you take complete control of the music, and then he left you in the basement to find any games you’d be interested in while he grabbed some snacks from the kitchen.

       While the two of you played, you talked idly when the situation would allow it. About anything. About everything. About trips Michael had taken with his moms, about his and Jeremy’s brand new Halloween tradition of watching horror movies - usually the shittier ones - and gorging on candy, about how your parents always seemed so busy (and almost immediately Michael offered up his house for whenever you didn’t want to be alone, and you melted a little at the offer). The entire time, the room felt too quiet, even among the conversation and the music of each game. At first, you thought it was because Jeremy was missing. Things didn’t feel right without him. But it hit you, right as you were laughing at something Michael said.

       “Hey!” Michael brightened up at his idea, “you should join us.” When you looked over, slightly confused, he continued, “the, uh, Halloween thing? You should join our marathon.” 

       You faltered for a moment, looking down at your controller. Your voice isn’t your own as you speak, saying some sort of confirmation that felt too distant for it to be you. The guilt built within you, as you pushed yourself to hide the feeling while turning your attention back to the game, back to beating Michael this round. But the thought lingered.

       You were using Michael Mell.

[crimsonsalutations]

What don't you like about fandom hanzo? :o just asking because I'm really picky about it myself personally

oh anon youve asked the Wrong question bc i have A Lot of thoughts on my boy hanzo

BUT before i say anything i just want 2 say that Despite the fact that i bitch a lot abt characterization on this blog, i dont intend hate or disrespect @ anyone who portrays characters in the way i bitch about. fandom is about making yourself happy & if a characterization makes you happy then you should pursue it despite what my dumb bitch ass has to say about it. ok.

ive mentioned this a few times before but i 

A. love redemption arcs and 

B. dont like... victimization. whether its canon or not-- like a character whose whole thing revolves around them being a victim of everything in their life? eh. boring. like widowmaker: she was a happy ballerina... she got brainwashed... it’s like... now what. she was happy, now she’s a victim, there’s nothing cool in there to explore.

i dislike characterizations of hanzo where people try to explain away the fratricide with ‘he was abused by sojiro’ or ‘he was brainwashed by the clan of elders’ partially because of what i just said and partially because it just seems unlikely in canon bc

1.chu... a while ago, said genji was part of overwatch when he was human, which we took as a slip-up but i dont think(?) that he ever took that back. 

2.genji says something in retribution like ‘no matter what i do... i cannot escape my fate’ when mccree says they’ve become assassins, implying he’s tried to escape becoming an assassin.  

3. overwatch was conveniently close enough to genji & the shimadas that they could swoop in and save him before he actually died

4. genji wasnt murdered. he was brutalized. he has scars up and down his arms, he’s got burn scars on his face, and when hanzo was done with him he couldnt walk anymore. plus there’s a post somewhere on here that theorizes due to the nature of blackwatch genji’s prosthesis +  the blood spatter in hanamura, it seems that hanzo attacked him from behind

hanzo’s bio says

Upon the death of his father, the clan elders instructed Hanzo to straighten out his wayward younger brother so that he, too, might help rule the Shimada empire. When his brother refused, Hanzo was forced to kill him. This act broke Hanzo's heart and drove him to reject blah blah 

but genji’s death doesnt seem like some kind of duty driven, single-manly-tear-slipping-down-the-cheek, hold-him-in-your-arms-as-he-goes death. he was brutalized. hanzo was angry.

while hanzo’s bio talks about hanzo’s broken heart, genji’s bio says this

Hanzo demanded that Genji take a more active role in their late father's empire. Genji refused, enraging Hanzo. The tension between the brothers built to a violent confrontation that left Genji on the verge of dying. 

and i mean ok. im not here to judge hanzo or condemn him (personally i think ppl who try to assert their moral superiority over fictional characters are.. a little pathetic) & there’s a lot that goes into this, pressure from the elders, japanese culture, unhealthy environments. but hanzo had a choice.

all this stuff seems to imply to me that genji betrayed the shimadas for overwatch. maybe he caught on that he was in danger without sojiro around to protect him. maybe he just wanted out. i dont know. does it matter? 

but hanzo couldve spared him. couldve cast him out. couldve done a bunch of things, but he didnt. 

the fact is. that hanzo killed his brother. (brutalized his brother).

 and thats why i find him interesting. how do you deal with that?

like, okay. you’re standing there, and you’ve got your little brother’s blood on your hands. and you’re looking down at him (at his corpse) and the adrenaline high is leaving and it’s beginning to sink in that you’ve murdered your little brother. in cold blood. what do you do? what’s next?

i mean, you punch someone in the face and you feel bad about it, you go ‘oh shit im so sorry’ and you grab them an ice pack. but genji’s dead. there’s no one to apologize to. there’s no way to fix it. you’ve done a terrible thing. an evil thing. an abusive, awful, terrible thing. and you cant take it back. and there’s no one or nothing to blame it on: you did it and there’s nothing you can do to change that. 

what’s next? where do you go from there?

that’s what i find interesting about hanzo. because thats the thing about overwatch. anyone can be a hero. even if youve killed your brother. even if you’re the worst person on the planet. all you have to do is try.

and. in this context it makes more sense that hanzo rejects genji at first. the cycle he mustve been going down those ten years.

i killed my brother --> im a terrible person because ive killed my brother --> i killed my brother because im a terrible person

his whole concept of himself has devolved into this brother-killer who can never redeem himself, and then genji pops up one day like ‘hey whats up’ and this isnt just forcing hanzo to re-evaluate his relationship with genji, but also himself. it’s a bit self-centered, yeah, but he rejects genji in part because He Is A Brother Killer, that’s just how he sees himself. genji shows up and hanzo’s like, ‘you cant be alive because im a filthy bastard that killed my brother’

its obvious he still regrets it though. he says it was duty (i cant even get into that w/o more context abt what he means by ‘duty’ + the whole situation beyond vague descriptions in bios) and he also stopped using a sword after that. which is interesting either way. was that out of respect? did he just feel sick using one? idk. 

the whole idea of blaming what he did on abuse or brainwashing is just so meh :/ to me because i just dont like those kind of stories. partially because a lot of the time they just feel like the author is trying to garner sympathy for an unlikable character, and partially because oftentimes abuse is passed off as a motivation when it’s not. 

lots of people are abused. there is no one reaction or outcome of abuse. someone lashes out at their abuser and kills them, that’s because they were angry or scared, not because they were abused. the anger was created bc of the abuse but the anger is what led them to act, not the abuse. 

hearing about the abuse just makes me sad, and to be completely honest it doesnt make me sympathize with a character any more or less. it’s just like adding really bland cheese to a sandwich. i can tell the cheese is there, but i cant taste it and it doesnt really affect the sandwich. all it does is give me more to chew.

hanzo didnt kill genji because he was abused or brainwashed, or else all abused/brainwashed children would kill their siblings. hanzo killed genji because he was angry (maybe that anger as born of abuse. frankly i dont think it matters much). what i want to see less of with hanzo is ‘fucked up bastard kills his brother’ and less of ‘poor abused baby accidentally tripped and stabbed genji with his sword :(’ and more ‘confused man tries to figure out how to live with himself after realizing he is kind of an awful person’

plus i feel like hanzo is a very specific balance between a broken man and a complete jackass and no one seems to combine those 2 traits in a way that satisfies me

[assholemurphy]

it’s 7a. i have 5 assignments i have to do before mon, plus several others i should be doing to get ahead/back on track. i also need to clean up/take out all the trash in the house and (probs) do dishes (even tho they aren’t my responsibility). i also need to do a significant amount of organizing via planner/calendar/etc. i have all of my folders, planners, and other assorted school things spread out in a semi circle around me on the floor of the living room. i’m on my second monster. i woke up at like, 11:30p from my last nap (i slept from 9a-5:30p, then took a nap from 9p-11:30p, i think, idk, time is confusing and means nothing to me atm). i should be doing all of those assignments and things. i should have been doing them all day/night/time expanse. i have not and i am not. instead, i’m currently trying to convince myself to stop talking to myself and begin writing the next chap of tal. i’ve read enough of it to remind myself what’s happened and what should happen. now i just need to actually begin writing. i rly need to do my hw, but i’m just so goddamn distracted and out of sorts, so i’m hoping that by writing, i can trigger a little bit of productivity in myself and shit. writing is my self care, so i’m hoping that it’ll also help me out mentally and get me to a place where i can get some stuff done.

that is not to say i haven’t done anything. i’ve sent several emails, cleaned up my opened docs (bc there were so many it was bugging me), and finished one of my assignments (the shortest one), except for a tiny bit of info i need from the playwright, but i sent him an email (see: above). there’s a fuckton i need to do, but i’m rly, rly out of sorts rn.

my roommate has decided that since we fought (once) that we are ‘bad for each other’ and that she ‘wants to salvage what she can of our friendship’ and therefore, once our lease is up in 3 months, she wants to move out, or wants me to move out. idk which. but i’m so not happy. i could write novels abt how fucked up she is, and yet, i’m the problem bc i finally snapped at her and told her the goddamned truth. but fine, whatever. i just need to find a new roommate bc i can’t cover all the rent/bills, but see, i’ve got 3 friends. two are brothers and are NOT going to live with me. that would probs be bad. maybe not as bad as we all seem to think, bc i can stand them more than i can goldilocks atm, but still. they live on campus and like it. i cannot go back to living on campus. it’s too expensive for me and i don’t do well with all the rules. nope. i need my own place (with a roommate). so, that means i’ll have to advertise and shit and find some random human to live with me. gross af and not good for my anxiety. goldilocks probs has another potential roommate already. whatever. i’m not going to keep coddling her and walking on eggshells bc she’s too fragile to handle normal confrontation. she literally goes so far out of her way to avoid confrontation that she lets all of her frustration build up until she’s being passive aggressive abt everything and then she swears she isn’t being passive aggressive to me. but she is. i’ve got 3 months to convince her to chill the hell out and actually come to me with her problems before i have to find a new roommate. but... i’m not sure i want to. like i mentioned before, she’s a literal dark cloud sometimes and it drains me to be in the same apartment as her. she’s decided to stop being friends with pretty boy (she was never fond of rafiki, bc he calls her on her shit, i mean, he’s a bit mean abt it, but hes not wrong) so my friend group is falling apart. we (pb and i) knew this was going to happen and we put a timeline on it. two months ago he told her it’d be two months before she dropped him, and i gave her an extra 3 months before she dropped me. guess what’s happening? motherfucking prophecies. i’m getting tired of them, tbh.

so, i lay here, on the floor, papers and shit surrounding me, trying to find the will to get shit done, and all i can think is that, dammit, i wish i were drunk. or had rafiki/pb/both here. but it’s 7a and they’re probs asleep. i’ll see if they’ll come over tonight, but that means i need to accomplish some things before i go to sleep later (i’m aiming for like 1p, then wake up at like 9p). i also need food, but my ed is kicking my ass currently and i don’t want to. like, i cannot force myself to eat rn. i’ve done good for the past couple of months bc of my gallbladder issues (i don’t want to lose too much more weight and make it worse until i can get something done abt it) but it’s wearing on me and i can’t keep doing it. i was alright, mainly, until i started eating normally, then everything went downhill, like it always does. so, i think i’m gonna go back to counting cals and eating less, but i’m gonna do my damnedest to stay around 1200 so it’s not completely unhealthy (bc that’s the lowest you’re supposed to go, technically) but i’m worried it won’t be long before i’m eating <700 again. but, i was doing better mentally then. maybe it’s for the best? but ik i can’t function like this anymore. it’s wearing on me and i’m spiraling fast. i’m trying to pull myself out of it, but it’s like trying to escape an undercurrent in the middle of the ocean. it can be done, but it’s hard af and dangerous even after you’re safe. so, i’ve got to do something.

so, i’m gonna use the next few days to get caught up with work (at least caught up, hopefully ahead) and organized, then i’m going to work on balancing my mental health and figuring out a solution to my shit. but first, i’m gonna try to write as much of this next chap as i can. bc i rly want to get back in to writing and i think if i do, i’ll be happier and better able to face the world knowing i’ve got an escape again.

i’m also abt to make a to do list so i can keep track of what i need to do before i sleep today, if i can manage it

[babiewonho]

Haechan cc Anon . I hope you can asnwer me here and if you don't want to keep the sort of out of context post on your blog, I'll screenshot it so u can delete it the next day (I'm going to sleep). Thanks a lot, take good care

okay sorry take TWO…it took me a few days to get back to this bc it sapped so much energy when i typed out my first reply and then it got deleted + i have been adjusting to spring semester but i have some time now @.@ so first of all intuition wise i do not feel like he is in Danger or deeply upset. if that means anything depends completely on if u care about/trust in that sort of thing but anyways…to put you at peace somewhat

i do feel like it’s unavoidable for idols to have disordered eating at the very least if they do not eds which can obviously sometimes happen and we have seen it unfortunately. 

for the dreamies they said their diets are more preventative than restrictive as in they try to Prevent weight gain instead of trying to lose it quickly by just making the right dietary choices. i do agree dh has lost a lot of weight over the years but at the same time i think he mostly carries weight in his face and this creates the illusion of a chubby/fatter body when actually he has always been fairly slim and probably looked bigger in part bc he seems to be one of the quicker-to-develop rookies like in group pics he is like 2nd to mark before they all caught up to him. i really think his cheeks fool people (not necessarily you) into thinking his whole body is soft and chubby when he’s always been average/slim and kids having fat is normal anyways.

i’m sure he has lost some weight lately bc he has been promoting so HARD and im sure that comes at a price of not having time to eat/not eating enough/forgoing eating to sleep etc + they are doing  SO MUCH PHYSICAL ACTIVITY and must be annihilating the calories they do consume. it seems almost impossible they’d have anything but a deficit and at least maintain their slim bodies

i do agree that articles abt appearances tend to glamorize unhealthy or impossible to maintain weights like w/ w*ndy…unfortunately this is equated with goodness and perfection…imo and i dont necessarily have proof of this, i feel like dh is just someone who is Hungrier than others and maybe it takes more food for him to feel satisfied or perhaps he isn’t Hungry but just loves food. i remember on a czennies wld like this too ep taeyong and taeil were talking abt how haechan like absolutely devoured some crab and other food and like went into a trance and definitely overate and regretted it meanwhile some ppl like renjun are naturally super slim and they admittedly dont eat as much bc they just dont feel like it/arent as hungry/food isnt as appealing to them as others. i think that’s kind of the case with dh and think he has to diet harder than the others to compensate for that tendency to binge or just overeat carelessly (which is concerning and disordered but i feel like all idol’s diets are and that is just an unfortunate thing about the industry) but at the same time i do feel like some idols eat fairly normally?? even chenle seems to just eat the way he wants and doesnt seem very unhappy, but then again i am only on the outside

as for his weight gain it definitely makes sense bc his mom has been cooking him a lot of food/probably got concerned at his skinny idol appearance/hc has lost the ability to exercise to burn off excess calories he may be consuming. it’s the perfect equation for weight gain. i think bc of his health issue they will try to ease him back into it. i genuinely do think that and i think he will go on a diet to prepare but there’s just no way they can make him lose it all at once when he will be slowly regaining mobility anyways. it might even be the case that when he is removed from that environment where he is probably being lovingly encouraged to overeat and rest that the weight will come off on its own as he stops eating in excess and returns to a more normal portion size, at least returns to his body’s comfortable weight. at the very least it’s a good thing he got to be well nourished in this time and relax!

i understand that it feels like there is a lot of fixation on his body. personally i feel like a big part of this is bc actually a lot of dh stans like to victimize him and while i am not saying that nothing bad ever happens to him or they’re being unreasonable i think when you see so many people talking abt injustices that may or may not be ACTUALLY happening it is hard not to be concerned. i have heard ppl propose that he has an ed like hundreds of times and that’s why i pay close attention to him, but it’s hard to determine what is overly worrying and what is just like…the standard disordered eating of an idol. as someone with an ed myself he doesn’t raise any HUGE red flags for me even though i do and always will keep an eye on him esp bc he is so young. i think he is mostly okay for now genuinely.

we cannot control the future or even know for sure of course but i hope we can both just take comfort in the fact that at present he is sitting at home eating yummy food and being with his family and gaming