#chapterfourth

[chapterfourth]

A Start.

I am going to find a new place to pour my thoughts. This blog has done enough of my needs for now. I broke another promise, I know, but I think it's time to move on to something new.

Brace yourself, Gal.

Have a day.

[chapterfourth]

Problematic

I need to book a therapy session.

I have been feel like shit these past weeks and deep inside I know that I need help, however the courage I have always given to people who are afraid to fulfill their need to heal is none when it comes to my own self. Hypocrite indeed.

So yesterday I decided to talk to two friends of mine for support. As much as I know you owe no expectation to any form of beings, but I just needed to listen (or read) to some encouragement from someone nearby. Me being a validation seeker is an old news.

In any ways, the responses I got from my dear folks were on point, yet suddenly I remember Taylor Swift recent song which lyrics goes by:

It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero.

Yup. Guess I am the problem. 

Have a day.

[chapterfourth]

Critical Eleven

What do you do when your brain is on auto-pilot mode?

I have not been able to feel present for the past days ever since I got laid off from my latest company. Winter came early in edu-tech business and not-so-surprisingly, they have to cut off for over 40% of their employees. Unfortunately despite I have worked for almost a year there, I just got into probation for the past two-months, so I am fired. 

Weirdly enough when my supervisor told me that I don’t make it to continue further, I got relieved. 

It is strange... Most of my coworkers cried and depressed when they got the news, meanwhile I kind of looking forward to it? Not necessarily means I hate working there or I dislike the job. I am more than grateful, honest. That’s why I’m weirded out. 

Why do I feel... calm?

I have been trying to figure out my own feelings, because I’m afraid if it’s just my brain’s way to defend myself from getting into an emotional breakout. I mean, I’d rather get ‘ugly’ now than immerse myself in dreadful revenge later. Yet I have come barely closest to the answer. 

I don’t know, well, I guess the recent event is somewhat a reminder to force me get back into journaling my thoughts here, maybe? Who knows?

Have a day.

[chapterfourth]

Lupa

Memang kalau ada ide yang tidak segera dituangkan, pasti ujung-ujungnya tidak sreg lagi buat menuliskannya. Moodnya sudah hilang dan biasanya malas untuk mengingat atau membangun suasananya kembali. Mungkin itu alasan kenapa banyak penulis yang kemana-mana selalu membawa alat tulis yang mudah dibawa; antisipasi menyalurkan inspirasi. 

Tadinya hari ini saya mau bahas tentang kalelawar yang saya temukan saat jalan pagi dan bagaimana hal itu membuat saya tertegun cukup lama karena hey, jarang melihat kalelawar terbang secara langsung di kota ini! Namun, saat sampai di rumah, saya melupakan itu semua dan baru ingat belum sempat membuat jurnal ketika sudah memasuki jam bekerja, alhasil saya tunda.

Cuman... yah... sekarang sudah nggak mood lagi. 

Ketika ada waktu luang tadi pun saya pakai untuk menggambar atau membaca cerita online. Benar-benar tidak terbersit rutinitas untuk menuangkan isi pikiran! 

Yah, sudahlah... Mungkin memang takdirnya saya hanya meracau tidak jelas untuk hari ini. 

Have a day.

[chapterfourth]

Dread Chambers

[chapterfourth]

No Idea

I have no ideas or whatsoever to write here.

Is this what they call as writing block?

I’m so sorry.

Have a day.

[chapterfourth]

Temporary Hideout

[chapterfourth]

Bab Empat

It took me hours to finally be content with this username. I was going to go with names that’s easily recognized as me in real & alter world, however since I’m not planning to make this neither ‘professional’ or ‘private’, chapterfourth seems a decent bridge between those two. 

Inspired by the fourth chapter in thesis where findings of particular study were being described, hence have yet to be concluded. Same goes for my brain. Erratic thoughts jumbled inside, thus meet no closure.  

Dalam Bahasa Indonesia, Bab Empat yang saya maksud adalah Bab Hasil dan Penelitian dalam skripsi. Iya, Bab paling menyenangkan sebelum Bab tersulit: Bab Lima atau Bab Kesimpulan. Sejujurnya, saat saya menulis skripsi, bab terakhir justru membuat saya paling pusing, karena, ya, saya nggak biasa menyimpulkan sesuatu, tapi suka ‘menelan’ banyak data. Kemampuan sintesis saya tidak sejalan dengan kemampuan analisis, sepertinya. 

So I decided to write them instead. They’re pretty interesting, sometimes, in my humblest opinion. It’s just bizarre how my brain functions: they like to think about various things at once and connect them, but again, no solid ending. Kinda feel like “How did I get here?” 

In other side, it’s kind of like a self-talk, really. My therapist has been recommending me to try to ‘talk to oneself’ these days. She said, it helps me to be friend with my own self and hopefully, it will help me to understand that I’m allowed to love myself. So I don’t see why not have both: expressing thoughts and healing. Either is good for my wrecked mental. Oh, and I don’t think anyone will ever read my writings anyway? This is purely for personal consumption. 

Jadi ya, yasudah. Saya nggak tau, sih, bagaimana keberlangsungan akun ini. Kalo kata psikolog saya, saya harus memperbanyak kegiatan rendah ekspektasi, mengingat saya punya gangguan mood dan harus melatih kekonsistensian, tapi yah, semoga saya bisa menulis tulisan selanjutnya. 

Have a day.

[chapterfourth]

Sat Night

I hold an online meeting every Saturday nights with my ‘single’ friends to just talk and chill, sometimes even streaming movies together. I mean, we don’t have any specific activity or someone special to spend the weekend with, so why don’t we just hang out together instead? And since pandemic has restrained direct social interactions, not talking at all has driven us insane. 

To be honest, I thought it’d just be a fun way to enjoy the breaks and somewhat a girls’ night out kind of thing, but now it feels like something more than that.

Turns out there are so many things we can talk about, be sincere about, give advices to, share deep thoughts, be crazy over miscellaneous thing, doing funny types of quizzes without being judged ‘childish’, and so on. 

For me, it feels like a realization that there are people who know me for... me, who’d be there to tell me what to do and what not to, who’d slap my thoughts but still deeply care for my soft souls, and who’d laugh over life problems. Somehow it feels like another type of healing. And though I know this won’t last forever; time will separate our ways, priorities will cut through, I’ll just try my best to enjoy what present has to offer. 

I’m looking forward for our next sat night.

Have a day.

[chapterfourth]

Solo Living

I want to live alone.

Far, far away, from what I used to call home. 

However, I have no financial power to do so. 

I hate how I’m still dependent with my family in this age, yet I have no idea how to adult. No one shows me how. 

I do work, but I feel it brings me nothing to grow. 

Oh, how to be a loner, living between the hills and forests, and rivers, and skies. How to live like a village boy.

Have a day.

[chapterfourth]

Sore Throat

I woke up with a bad sore throat this morning. It felt heavy on my neck, but I don’t know what triggered it last night. I just had a normal biscuit with a cup of tea, nothing’s unusual. 

It kinda makes me want to be silent for the whole day. 

Which is sort of a bother since I have work for today and what I meant by work is consulting 3rd year students about their major choices which required huge amount of speaking. 

Gah, I hate working.

But I need money just for living. 

And I hate that. 

Can’t I just live in a certain area where daily necessities were not attained by buying, but self-cultivating, and working is only needed just to gain decent money to buy supplies for making artworks.

Jadi mikir tiba-tiba, di negara dengan obsesi patriarki  berlebihan ini, kalau ada yang mau nikah sama saya, apa nggak mau berikan saya mahar berupa lifetime art supply, ya? Saya nggak doyan perhiasan, kok. Kan jadi lumayan saya bisa bikin karya dan siapa tahu layak dijual, nambah pemasukan rumah tangga juga. Ya, nggak? 

Bacalah dengan skeptik karena saya masih senang sendiri tapi menangisi jiwa miskin oportunis ini.

Have a day.

[chapterfourth]

Midnight Prayer #9

Dear Lord,

I have just realized that as I'm getting older, I can't feel sadness the same as I used to.

I recall my youth was indeed full of pain and a lot of cries... there were so much pitch black and bloody red all over the places, as if I was covered in them. Sometimes, there were screams involved and I could feel how intense every sessions were. Most of the reasons why I have to let it out my system with bold highlights and paints on walls.

I do not feel as "extreme" now. Maybe it has something to do with age and Your decisions, but sadness now is a lot more like blue palette. It was not as overwhelming, but I can taste knives now every time I breathe. I can also hear my heavy breathe clearly. I feel my head is sinking in the raging waves.

It is indeed much more calm, but not necessarily better. Well, I no longer have to be so expressive with it like before...

Though, I wonder if it meant something else... like, am I getting good at lying? Or you know, my heart just goes completely numb?

I do not want that. I want to be more honest even in my lowest point with my ownself.

With You.

With the last night of Your Holy Month.

I want to be able to deliver my grieve in a better way, so that You know what is in my heart as real as it can be. I hope You listen to this one prayer too.

In the name of Allah, the most merciful and kind. May You bless us with forgiveness and peace here-after.

[chapterfourth]

Midnight Prayer #8

Dear Lord,

I hope someday You will finally let me have the ability to finish... things. May it be wips, routines, habits, believes, studies, thoughts, projects, arts, works, etc.

I pray it to be granted as soon as possible, but I know how some occassions require certain amount of time and Your final approval, so I might just manifest this out loud in order to... you know, attract vibes.

Because I desperstely need one now.

In the name of Allah, the most merciful and kind. May You bless us with forgiveness and peace here-after.

[chapterfourth]

Midnight Prayer #7

Dear Lord,

Out of all human beings You have planned to walk out of my life, I still miss my granddad the most. Not even my own dad or an old friend I used to call the best.

However, the kind of longing I have felt is somewhat different than what is defined as common. It's not the type which makes one cries every so often or feel a deep loss. It's just... I really miss his "are you okay?" looks whenever he saw me trying to fight myself from being honest that I am not okay.

He was the only person who could see through all my defenses, and now that You have taken his life, loneliness feels more suck.

Well, tonight I would like to pray for him. May he rests in peace and is placed to a better place by Your side. I know he was not perfect, I am sure, but he was kind and considerate.

So I hope one day You will reunite us in Your most beautiful storyline, at Your best site wherever it will take place.

In the name of Allah, the most merciful and kind. May You bless us with forgiveness and peace here-aftwr.

[chapterfourth]

Midnight Prayer #6

Dear Lord,

You know every hearts and their unsaid demands.

So You must have known the intentions I have hidden within abstract and indirect concepts are all by mean prayers that only to ever wish for being capable of supporting myself. Physically. Mentally. Financially. Spiritually. Religiously. Necessarily.

Nevertheless, I always seem to know none and left being alone. I just hope this typical situation will decrease in the future and I can be a proper functional adult.

In the name of Allah, the most merciful and kind. May You bless us with forgiveness and here-and-after .

[chapterfourth]

Midnight Prayer #3

Dear Lord,

I am exhausted for being a human.

Could You just make the feeling of being enough settle permanently instead?

I no longer have the will to be in charge of whatever is assigned, I just want to live simply and slowly, despite all the current marathons and sprints are going crazily in the world's present time.

All I ask for tonight is a chance.

To start it all over.

In the name of Allah, the most merciful and kind. May You bless us with forgiveness and peace here-after.